stressyanddepressy3539
✨Stressy And Depressy✨
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✨My Goals for 2022✨
I want to preface this by saying this more so is a blog post for myself, if you decide to go on further thank you! I want to use this post primarily to see how far I’ve come in the past year when I look back, and also to keep myself accountable to my own goals. I’ve struggled in the past moving forward with things because I can’t decide if that’s what I should be spending my energy on. Especially…
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It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane… It’s a Former Gifted Kid!
Who’s now a burnt out adult! Ain’t life grand? I know this isn’t the same brain that used to read books as thick as my arm in one day in middle school. But now that I think about it… that may have been more about disassociation than anything else. Especially since I had hyper fixated on Harry Potter, I probably read the whole series 50 times throughout middle school.
I digress, this post is…
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#ADHD#anxiety#burnt out#burnt out adult#depression#failure#gifted child#journey#loser#mental health#mental illness#never quit#perseverance#struggles
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Windows to the Soul
The wind blows my hair into my eyes as I survey the field around me. Families are gathered in small clumps on a desolate dry patch of grass in the middle of the post. The tension in the air is palpable. There is distance between all of us but as my gaze travels the length of the field and back I see the same sorrow etched on everyone’s features, no matter how hard they try to hide it. We are all…
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Growth: the Unpleasant but Necessary Journey
Growth man. Growth. I can’t say enough good things about it! It propels you forward in life, it makes you a better person, it allows you to navigate and maintain long term relationships, gives you communication skills, coping skills for your mental illness, and so much more. Growth!
I hate it. No, no really. You’re saying, “You just sung it’s praises! Make up your mind!” And you’re right, you’ve…
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#depression#growth#healing#journey#mental health#mental illness#never quit#perseverance#self discovery#self love#struggles
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Is Tricking Your Brain the Key to Getting Through the Day?
Interesting question right? And I wonder how many of you out there cope like I do. I’m sure you’re wondering what I mean, both by that statement and my initial question so allow me to explain.
Every morning I wake up is a struggle. My brain does not want to be awake no matter how much sleep I get. Because of the chemical imbalances in my brain I’m almost positive I wake up with no serotonin…
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#ADHD#burnt out adult#depression#journey#loser#mental health#mental illness#never quit#perseverance#self care#self love#struggles
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Is Tricking Your Brain the Key to Getting Through the Day?
Interesting question right? And I wonder how many of you out there cope like I do. I’m sure you’re wondering what I mean, both by that statement and my initial question so allow me to explain.
Every morning I wake up is a struggle. My brain does not want to be awake no matter how much sleep I get. Because of the chemical imbalances in my brain I’m almost positive I wake up with no serotonin…
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I Have Social Anxiety and So Do You, Let’s Talk About It
I know, I know. You’re all yelling at me. “SHHHHHHHH! Why you so loud????” Because! Social anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. Hell in a previous blog post I told y’all I would hold an apple core until the end of time if it meant people wouldn’t look at me. Does it seem like I’m ashamed? Heck no! Is it embarrassing, frustrating, and limiting? Heck yes.
And you want to know something? The…
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I Have Social Anxiety and So Do You, Let’s Talk About It
I know, I know. You’re all yelling at me. “SHHHHHHHH! Why you so loud????” Because! Social anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. Hell in a previous blog post I told y’all I would hold an apple core until the end of time if it meant people wouldn’t look at me. Does it seem like I’m ashamed? Heck no! Is it embarrassing, frustrating, and limiting? Heck yes.
And you want to know something? The…
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Pronouns are Confusing
You would think it’d be the easiest thing in the world for me to go up to anyone and just say, “Hey! My name is ___ and my pronouns are ____“. It’s not like I don’t know them, or am confused about how I want to be addressed. The confusing and down right frustrating part is explaining myself and my pronouns to everyone, and having a different way of explaining depending on who I’m talking to.
Let…
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Unspoken Truths
Do I love you? Once upon a time I did, or at least I think I did. Let’s just say I didn’t have enough time to delve into those feelings before they turned to heartbreak. Can it not be love if heartache plagued me? Three long years of recovery for my heart, sewn shut with patches overtime.
Now I a question for you sir, demon from my past, did you ever grasp how vital you were to me? For two…
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Living at Home as a Young Adult
Phew, here comes a doozy right? Living at home as a young adult is not only uncomfortable to talk about, but it’s also almost taboo in our society. “They can’t know I live at home! The shame! I can’t bring them here! They’ll see all my nerdy stuff!” I get it. Living at home when you’re an adult can feel shameful, depressing, can cause anxiety, cause feelings of inadequacy, make you think you might ever make it, in some cases make you feel like you don’t deserve nice things and experiences, and quite frankly sometimes can make you feel like a loser. I know I feel like a loser. (I live at home AND don’t have a car, double whammy)
Here’s the thing though. Living at home when you’re an adult isn’t a bad thing. Especially in this day and age. I think our western society has got the whole wrong idea on this. Now I can’t speak for all my viewers but in my particular age group almost 50% of us live with our parents still. Blame it on what you want. Inflation, the rising cost of living, stagnant wages. Millennials, my generation (the cusp 1990-1997), and Gen Z are the most in debt generations upon beginning adulthood in all of our countries history.
It’s almost like we were set up to fail. And maybe we were, who knows for sure? The country our grandparents grew up in just doesn’t exist anymore (… well the good parts don’t anymore, scratch that we’re there any good parts?) and all of the promises that our parents made us about what our future would look like fell through. Now we’ve been left to not only pick up the pieces our parents left us but also the ones that our grandparents left us too and then we’re just supposed to fix all those pieces, gather our own, and make some mod podge semblance of a life with all the pieces we collect? Who wouldn’t struggle to do all that?
That’s a big ask! And ya know what? I think we’re killing it. So what if most of us still live at home, in this economy who can afford to live alone? And let’s face it, not everybody can find a roommate. It’s hard out here. Can’t use Craigslist who knows what kind of crazy you’ll find, good luck on roommate apps, and in today’s world who goes out and makes friends anymore? 90% of us are staying home now. Hell even with my good job I still can’t afford to live on my own. In the world we’re inheriting I’d like to think we’re doing marvelous, and ya know something those kids in Gen Z? Well those kids are alright. I could write a whole post about why I love Gen Z.
Are there cons to living at home? Sure. No privacy, forget about having sex, following their rules, potentially still paying rent and utilities along with your other bills, maybe you’re in an abusive household, maybe the people who are supposed to love you and support you can’t accept who you are and who you love, and let’s not forget, some people that live at home feel like losers (i.e. moi). Living at home is hard, harder than some people can even imagine.
There’s definitely some pros tho! Especially if you have a good family. They’ll feed you (who doesn’t love free food), some people have more freedom in the home when they become adults, you get all the family tea 👀, you get to live in the comfort of a place that’s familiar to you and if you’re lucky your parents may even take pity on you and do your laundry, truly a blessing. Bonus points if they love you enough to fold it too. And let’s not forget all the money you can save if they let you live there for free!
The thing is though, a lot of those pros only apply when you have a good family like mine. I know not everyone is lucky enough live in a home where they feel safe, accepted, and loved like I am. I can’t imagine the suffering they’re going though everyday just for trying to live as their true authentic self. Or worse, hiding themselves because they know it isn’t safe to be who they genuinely are. And I truly hope that those people come into monetary abundance and so much unconditional love. Enough monetary abundance and love where they never have to go and see those people again if they don’t want to. And enough stability to heal all the trauma that others caused them. They all truly deserve it. Then, those people that haunted you will have nothing to offer you anymore that you can’t provide for yourself. The most beautiful souls are seared with scars. Keep going! I promise, it gets better. I’m proud of you, and so is everyone else.
My generation (the cusp 1990-1996), Millennials and Gen Z are some of the hardest workers I know. Almost all of us have more than one job, if not two jobs then a side hustle or two. I know most of our generations aren’t living with our parents because we want to but because we have to. Financially all around this country it’s just not feasible to live alone on one income, a single job, anymore especially if you’ve got student loans. If you’re working for less than 20 dollars an hour with student loans (in my area anyway) you won’t be able to make it alone. Forget paycheck to paycheck, its not affordable at all. And that is not our fault. I know that, and you should know that too.
Living at home right now is not a sign of failure, but rather a sign of perseverance. Every day almost all of our respective generations are grinding away to build a future that we can be proud of. A future where we can look back and say, “I fucking did that, me.” This perseverance, this drive, this desire to better our lives and the lives of others? The desire to be our true authentic selves no matter what anybody else thinks? Well… to be honest, those don’t sound like the characteristics of losers to me. Those reasons and more are why I love these generations, and why I am so proud of everyone of us no matter where you are in life. We haven’t given up yet, we may have failed a lot but we’ve never quit.
No matter what your circumstances or why you live with your family, even if it feels like a dumpster fire, every rock bottom has to have a climb back up. And I know the desire we have to better ourselves and this world is going to allow our generations to make that climb out and this world our bitch.
So, just remember maybe you live with your parents now but in ten years you could be on top of the world. I see you, I appreciate you, and I understand.
✨Stressy and Depressy✨
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Self Care Days, Who Needs Them?
You. You do. I do. Everybody does. And quite honestly in my very humble opinion everyone should love them. They should love them so much that the days they set aside as self care days are their favorite days of the year.
In the immortal words of Rick Astley, 🎶Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you!🎶 T
That’s how I feel about my self care days,…
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This is Your Sign to Delete your Socials
Before you attack me, yes I know we all live for those scrolls through Facebook, those funny videos on Tik Tok, or that messy, messy drama on Twitter we all love. So if I’m defending consuming content on socials why am I telling you to delete your apps?
Deleting all of my social media apps changed my life. I used them as a distraction, something to do to pass the time until I had something else…
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A Study in Perseverance- Chaos
A Study in Perseverance- Chaos
My mask is slipping
The walls of the façade I put up in front of others is cracked and veiny
They struggle to remain upright in the tempest I traverse daily
The overwhelming actuality of my current existence getting the better of me
Showing the struggles I try so hard to hide From prying eyes.
The slippery slope I walk everyday has gotten slicker,
My feet fail me and I feel myself slide…
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The Broken Promise of Our 20’s Your 20’s! 🎶Ah, what a time to be alive.🎶 They’re supposed to be the best years of your life. They’re vibrant, exciting, full of possibilities, experiences, experimentation, and most of all hope. At time where you can make mistakes and grow, knowing that one day you’ll make it. Or rather they should be.
Instead all I’ve really felt so far in my 20’s is confused, lost, and so very very tired. And at one point a concern that I was drinking too much alcohol, never too much bud though 😉
In high school we were told we better have it all figured out at 18! You need to have a plan! Nobody will be there to help you. You’re going to have to figure it out all on your own in the real world.
How’s that as an ushering into adulthood? “Take this plan you’ve got kid and go make it in this world! What’d you say? What if it doesn’t work? Ha, not our problem!” And then essentially once they hand you that diploma they kick you in the seat of the pants and wash their hands of you. You’re now just one more graduation statistic.
And I’m sure many of you did what I did. You went out there and tried to make it. Whether you got a job and went to community college like me straight out of high school, or went of to a bigger school, or even went straight into the work force. In someway we all went out there and tried to make it work.
But what they didn’t tell us, that major we picked? Probably gonna hate it. I did. That job we got? They’ll work you to the bone for scraps bc it’s honestly probably was an entry level at some food place (heyyyy Domino’s, how ya doing?). Oh and the biggest thing they didn’t tell us? None of us are ever going to know what the fuck we’re doing! And that doesn’t go away as you get older.
For me I tried so many different things. College for English, delivery driving, call center work, odd jobs here and there. I tried out different friends, and they never seemed to fit either. Either we were at different stages in our lives, the vibes weren’t right, or it just didn’t work. I tried different life styles. I was a partier, I was the hermit, I was the social butterfly, I was the workaholic, the ambitious one. All the while still being the poor one. I tried out different genders and sexualities until I found the ones that fit me best, the only thing I did figure out. And that was only recently! I’m still exploring that, but that’s a whole different post.
In my twenties I’ve began to find myself, but I don’t have shit figured out with my life. For 8 years I’ve tried and tried and gotten no where. I’m lost. And people always say, “Oh, you’re not supposed to be successful in your twenties silly!” Maybe… but am I supposed to be living at home with my parents while I have a good job because I have a mountain of debt that my parents and high school convinced me I needed cause, ya know, college, with absolutely no idea what the fuck I want to do with the rest of my life? Prospects are slim people.
I can tell you what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to get up 5 days a week every week for the rest of my life and work for someone else for 8 or more hours a day for shitty wages, so I can work my side job on the weekends to make ends meet. And maybe, MAYBE still have enough time to do everything around the house and drink a glass of wine or toke. A social life? We don’t know her. Especially since the panorama. Nobody warned us about that shit either.
Every day I keep getting older closer to the age where it’s becoming socially unacceptable to not have your life together. And I feel like I don’t have it together at all. Some days are so bad I wallow in the feelings of being lost, of being stuck. I was told get a good job and you’ll be able to afford to live, that was wrong. Now I’ve got the good job I’ve been searching for and I’m still just stuck. Stuck in the same place I’ve been for the past 5 years. Not knowing what I want to do, what I want to be, or where I even should be heading.
I feel like the desperate captain of a moored ship during a typhoon with a broken compass. I’m lost, stuck, and scared.
I feel like I’m so far behind everyone else in my age group. Some of them have children, and amazing jobs doing phenomenal work. And I love that for them, I’m so proud of them! But I feel like no matter how hard I work I’m just not catching up to them.
I know that I’m no where near where I’m supposed to be in this life to be my definition of successful, but here’s the thing I don’t even know where I’m supposed to be. What even is the standard for your 20’s anymore?
It used to be get a job, move out, start a family. And that was your twenties. Then we added college to the mix. So it was go to college, get a job, move out, start a family.
Well, 50% of people in their 20’s right now live with their parents so let’s go ahead and strike that off that list. Most of us have jobs, but our wages are abysmal. A lot of us are working for less than what our labor is worth, even with college degrees. So we can’t afford kids, especially if we can’t afford to move out. So what are our 20’s supposed to be? And don’t say experiences, because everything costs money and 90% of us are staying in our homes because of the panorama going on outside.
Have the 20’s of an entire generation been minimized to grind culture, with feelings of hopelessness? Are we all depressed, anxious little gremlins now? Getting up to go to work everyday and hope that one day you’ll get a raise and maybe be able to quit your side hustles? Maybe you’ll be able to afford to live alone? Are we all collectively just waiting for our 30’s with our fingers crossed like, “Yeah baby, WOOO, 30 that’s gonna be our decade!”
If so that’s fine! But I want everybody to stop pretending like your 20’s doesn’t fucking suck. Personally I know my 20’s have been the second hardest period of my life so far, and that’s says a lot. And I was people to stop lying to teenagers and say it’s going to be the best time of their life because it honestly probably isn’t. Stop telling them they have to have their shit together at 18 when most people don’t have their shit together at 40. Were all stumbling through this life together just trying to make it, shouldn’t that be enough sometimes?
I’m writing this hoping there’s somebody else out there that feels the same way I do. And if you’ve read this far and you do I just want to say I’m really proud of you. It’s okay to sit and think about how much it sucks sometimes, but we’ll get back up and keep going. We’ve come this far, let’s not give up. Even if we keep going just out of spite. We’ll never get where we’re going if we stop now! (We just gotta figure out where we’re going first 😅)
Thank you so much for reading the mad rambling an enby, I hope you guys enjoyed todays blog post and found it relatable! If you did please let me know your thoughts in the comments!
✨Stressy and Depressy✨
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Who the fuck do I think I am?
Well, that’s a great question. Let me start by saying I’m someone who has failed a lot. Now you must be thinking, ”No! You couldn’t have failed that much!”
Lets go ahead and temper those expectations now. When I was a child I was the typical gifted child who grew up to be a burnt out mentally ill adult. I was the kid that the whole family said, ”She’s going places!”
Well, here I am freshly turned 26 years old no college degree, tens of thousands in student loans I can’t afford, no car, and living with my parents. And I know, I know, “But we’ve been in a panorama!” And you’re right! We have been! But… I’m sick of feeling like a loser.
For the last 8 years of my life I have failed at relationships, most of which were abusive. I’ve failed at friendships, because I hadn’t healed and was toxic. I failed at going to college; I didn’t go to the multiple state schools I had gotten into in high school, instead I chose to stay where I was for a MAN and went to community college. Eventually I did move to a 4 year school but I dropped out when I realized I had to stop living for my parents dreams and start living for my own. I failed at making money, I’m broke as fuck. I was even unemployed for 7 months during the panorama with no unemployment benefits, thats how hard I failed. I failed with my mental health
(TRIGGER WARNING) suicide attempts, eating disorders, cutting, destructive behavior, self sabotaging behavior that quite literally lost me everything, intrusive thoughts, depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, and low key I’m starting to think I have undiagnosed ASD
I’m still failing at every single one of those things today. I haven’t beaten a single of those things, and you know what? Maybe I never will and that’s okay. They and all my past experiences have helped make me who I am today. I wouldn’t change a single thing, no matter how hard going through those things were. With that in mind even though it took me a long time and a lot of hardship I’ve finally learned to love who I am. I finally love myself.
But besides my newly discovered self love, there’s another silver lining! In these last two years I’ve come out as bisexual, but then the Alaskan Bull Worm of Gender snapped me up and I came to realize I’m non-binary. I was finally brave enough to work through my internalized homophobia and my fear of what the world and other might think of me. How they might treat me. And realize who I truly am. I even came out to my parents and closest friends a year ago, and they took it extremely well, another blessing. I wouldn’t be where I am today without all their support.
In the last six months I’ve also gotten a pretty good job! It has benefits, pays well, paid time off, I work from home too! It truly was my biggest blessing of this past year. I’m also writing a series of novels, and I’ve got another work from home job lined up as well!
With all that being said I’m a non-binary, bisexual loser who never quits no matter how much I fail. I have big dreams and goals for my life, so if you’re willing to come along on this journey with me I would love to have you, everyone is welcome here and this is a safe space!
So. My name is Angel and that’s who the fuck I think I am. ✨respectfully✨
If you made it this far I really hope you decide to stick around! This blog will be documenting my journey as I become the person I know I will be. It’ll probably be tragic, definitely funny (even if you’re only laughing at my misfortune), and maybe this is wishful thinking but I believe this could be a place where anyone can gain some hope that things can get better, and maybe even courage to live as their authentic selves from my story.
Thank you for listening, and if you’re interested check out my blog, which has 4 other posts up already, on Wordpress with the link in the description!
✨Stressy and Depressy✨
#blogging#lgbtq#nonbinary#burnt out#former gifted child#journey#tw self destruction#self love#mentalheathawareness#anxienty#kinda depressing
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