#'well little man' cal says 'it's a long story' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

goosewriting · 5 months

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summary: after getting stationed at the fortress inquisitorius, it seems a certain inquisitor takes an interest in reader.

relationship: inquisitor Cal Kestis x gn!reader

warnings: (18+) me being absolutely delulu, slow-burn-ish??? as it can get at 7k lol, making out at the end and fade to black, sexual tension if you squint, psychometry

word count: 7.6k

A/N: started writing this back when i restarted JFO and got cal’s inquisitor clothes, so it’s been in the works for quite some time. also i had made pancakes back then and was sad about having no one to share them with, so i shall share them virtually with all of you <3

(english is not my first language. constructive criticism and grammar corrections are very appreciated!)

— — —

As long as you can remember, you’ve always been fascinated by the way people communicate with each other. Now, as a linguistics and behaviour expert, you count yourself lucky to be one of the probably few people who actually like their job. Stationed in an Imperial office on your home planet, you mainly monitor comms and analyse the occasional security holovid in an attempt to weed out any suspicious activity.

In fact, it was thanks to you that a rebel cell was found, since you caught a suspicious exchange on unused frequencies, which earned you a promotion. You were content with that already, but then your superior said he’d put in a good word for you, as he’s always felt like you were far more capable than just listening to comms all day, and that you could use your skills better in service of the Empire.

Fast-forward three months and lo and behold, you’re now stationed at Fortress Insquisitorius.

It’s the first day and while you’ve got the grand tour of the place by a group of stormtroopers especially assigned to you (you still can’t quite believe you get your own little squad of troopers), there’s still some time before dinner. After dismissing the men, saying you’ll catch up to them later at the mess hall, you walk around, further checking out the place.

As you turn a corner to a hallway you haven’t been to yet, you notice it looks rather deserted. You check the small sign on the wall; this leads to one of the bigger residential wings, but not yours. So you decide to turn on your heels and head the other way. Except that before you can even take a step in that direction, you’re stopped in your tracks by an invisible force and turned back around again. This hold around you isn’t so tight that you can’t breathe, but you do feel the pressure keeping your arms at your sides and your body suspended in the air, the sole of your boots hanging barely an inch over the polished floor. Unable to resist your captor, you’re met with an Inquisitor, of all people, who slowly walks towards you with one of their hands in the air, holding you in place.

They come to a halt before you, the helmet tilting slightly to the side as the eyes under the red visor study you, out of your view.

“Who are you?” comes the distorted voice. Despite the modulator, you can tell by the tone and body language it’s a man. You’ve heard stories about Inquisitors, and despite being stationed at their base, you hoped you wouldn’t have to interact with them. Just your luck, and in an empty hallway no less.

Nonetheless, you tell him your name, station and even your office’s room number. Just in case.

“I’m new,” you add, as if it wasn’t obvious by now. He remains eerily calm and still all the while. With a polite smile, you throw the question back at him, “And you are?”

His helmet tilts the other way ever so slightly as if your question took him by surprise.

“Inquisitor Kestis,” he replies after a second. “Cal Kestis”

“Well, nice to meet you, Inquisitor Cal Kestis,” you say. If you could move, you’d stretch out your hand towards him out of habit as a greeting, but he probably wouldn’t take it either way, so you’re glad you don’t get the chance to embarrass yourself. Yet, anyway.

For a few moments, he just stands there with you in his invisible grasp. Is he looking at you? Did he space out? You suddenly feel your stomach complaining about its emptiness.

“Uhm, could you let me down again?” you ask, looking down at the floor tiles and back up at the red visor. “I’d like to go get dinner.”

Without a word, he places you back onto the ground surprisingly gently, then takes off in the direction he came from, disappearing from your view as he turns a corner. Well, you think to yourself with a satisfied nod as you make your way to the mess hall, I think that was a solid first impression. Good job, me.

The next day, you officially start your new job, and you’re all sorts of excited and nervous. You’re still intercepting messages, decoding and translating encrypted communications, but on a much higher level this time. These are important people you’re monitoring. You’re also called as an interpreter when there’s holocalls with parties who refuse to have droids in the room. Besides, the officers and generals seem to actually enjoy having you around, with your happy and optimistic demeanour in this otherwise cold and sterile building. You know that Imperial staff can be rough sometimes, but you’re convinced that the kindness you put out into the world eventually comes back to you. So you make sure to treat everyone equally, with kindness and respect, wearing a smile whenever you get the chance.

The days go on, and you see all sorts of people around the place. You do see some Inquisitors from time to time, mainly in the hangar. Occasionally they make an appearance in the mess hall as well, but they usually sit alone and for a very short amount of time on one of the round tables in the far corner of the mess. You never see Inquisitor Kestis there, though.

As you sit with your little trooper squad, you chew on a stringy piece of meat deep in thought, not really paying attention to the conversation. This Kestis has you intrigued if you’re being honest with yourself. You still don't understand why he talked to you. The other Inquisitors seem to ignore you, as well as everyone else, most of the time. Besides, Kestis could have just talked to you. There was no need to Force-hold you or anything. Was he trying to show you he’s in charge or something? Doesn’t that mean that he felt threatened?

With a light scoff at yourself — because the notion of an Inquisitor being intimidated by you is pretty silly — you take another bite of your food, your gaze scanning the mess hall without looking at anything in particular. The thing is that, since you don’t see Kestis in the mess hall like, ever, you only catch fleeting glances of him here and there when you see him slip into the elevator or turn a sharp corner at a hallway. You furrow your brows. It’s almost like he’s avoiding you. And that makes you just much more intrigued in what his deal is.

When the squad is in a good mood, you try to slip a question into the conversation about the Inquisitors here and there, asking if they ever saw their faces or what they’re like, and what they do. The troopers can only tell you the rumours you’ve already heard in a thousand different versions, the details getting more violent and out of hand every time you hear them. You dismiss most of those stories; you’ve noticed that a few Inquisitors walk around without a helmet. And others are pretty direct in their attitude towards others, getting into arguments or even physical fights when something bothers them. So they all want the rest to know who they are and be scared, many even seem to enjoy the fear in people’s faces. But Kestis? The few times you’ve seen him, he moves like a well-oiled machine. His face is always hidden, every movement is calculated, and he doesn’t waste his breath on any unnecessary syllable. That’s just proof that he has a carefully curated persona he wears when he’s out and about. But once he’s alone, when he gets to peel back all those layers? You truly wonder what lies beneath.

One evening you find yourself thinking about him yet again, suddenly concerned about his eating habits, wondering if he’s okay and eating well. For some reason that you still can’t quite comprehend, you decide to just go to him. After all, if he didn’t want to see you, he’d just send you away, right? By now you’re very well aware about what the Inquisitors are capable of, but you’re both on the same side, so surely there’s nothing to worry about.

At least that’s what you tell yourself as your feet carry you to the mess hall that evening.

After you’re done eating (the food today is better than you would have thought), you order a second portion to go. You start walking down the hallway, looking for a console or a droid. You know where the residential wing is, but you don’t know what floor the Inquisitors’ rooms are, and doubt there’ll be specific directions towards them. It isn’t long before you do find an R4 unit, and you ask where the Inquisitor quarters are. The cylindrical droid beeps and jumps a little with a startle, at first unwilling to tell you, afraid that if it does, the droid will be sliced in half. But you promise the droid that you won’t tell on it. So after some more convincing and promising the droid you owe it an oil bath, it finally brings up a holomap of the place, showing you where you want to go with a blinking dot.

With a pat on the head, you say your thanks and go to where the map said. Soon enough, you find yourself in a wing of the building you’ve not only never been to, but one you didn’t even know existed if it wasn’t for the droid. The design of the walls is even sleeker here, and the sound of your boots echoes through the hallway. The further you walk into this wing, the fewer people and troops you come across. Even the constant rumbling of machinery behind the panels seems to be quieter here.

After some more minutes of walking, you finally reach the door you’re looking for. There are no signs or name plaques, but you remember the number on the door from the droid’s map. The lettering is almost the same shade of black as the door, so it took you a moment to find the right one. But you’re fairly sure this one should be it.

Taking one final deep breath, you knock on the door. In the seconds waiting for a response, you suddenly feel silly about being here. He’s a full-grown man. An Inquisitor. Why did you think he’d need you to bring him dinner? What if he didn’t like it anyway–

The door opens with a whoosh, and you look up. For some reason, you were expecting to be met with the red visor of his helmet. Which now that you think about, doesn’t make sense; if he’s in his quarters, he wouldn’t be walking around with his full uniform on.

Instead, you’re met with a pair of intense yellow eyes, and equally fiery red hair on his head. Your breath hitches and you’re not sure if it’s the surprise of seeing his uncovered face or the realisation that he’s incredibly handsome, and it just caught you off-guard.

He gives you a quick once-over, momentarily looking at the box in your hands, then bringing his eyes back to yours, boring into your very soul.

“Why are you here?” he asks in a flat voice.

“I haven't seen you in the mess hall today. Or, any other day, really,” you explain, unable to tear your eyes away from him. “Ever since I've started working here. So I brought some food in case you haven't eaten yet…” Your voice starts trailing off at the end as you once again realise how dumb that sounds out loud.

He holds your gaze a little longer, narrowing his eyes at you as if to scrutinise whether you're being honest or not. While you hope he’ll accept the food in case he actually hasn't eaten yet, that's all you expect to happen. You’re counting on him taking the box and leaving you be, so you can go back to your quarters and continue reading your novel, which you are actually looking forward to.

To your surprise, the Inquisitor takes a step to the side, silently inviting you in. You walk past him, slightly bowing your head as a thanks, and take in his quarters. You're not sure what you were expecting, but it's surprisingly… normal. Bigger than the barracks and other quarters you've seen, including yours, but still normal. There’s a banner with the Imperial emblem hanging on the far wall, a couch on the other side, and a round table with some chairs in the middle, as well as a kitchenette. Everything is neat and clean.

You hear the doors close as you walk to the table and place the box on it, turning back around to Kestis, who’s eyeing you curiously.

“It’s still warm,” you tell him, pointing at the food.

He walks by you to pick up the container, and that’s when you notice he’s still wearing his gloves. It strikes you as odd to be wearing them in the confines of his own room, but to each their own. Kestis walks to the kitchen and pours the food onto a plate and throws away the take-out container, then rummages in a drawer for a fork. After walking past you to sit at the table, he takes off his gloves and places them neatly next to him on the table.

“Sit,” he orders without looking at you, and takes the first bite. You sit down across from him.

“Have you already eaten?” he asks.

“Yes, Sir,” you give the honorific a try, and he seems to like it. “At the mess hall.”

“I wouldn’t have any food to offer you either way,” he states, and lifts his gaze to look at you. “This visit is… unexpected.”

“I’m sorry for intruding, Sir. I didn’t mean to. I just–”

“You just what?” He shoots you a look akin to a glare.

“I was just worried, I guess,” you say. He scoffs.

“Please don’t act like you care,” he retorts. “If you need or want something, just tell me upfront.”

“What? No, I- I’m not acting,” you reassure him, raising your hands slightly to underline you’re being earnest. “I’m not trying to gain something in exchange. I was genuinely worried about not seeing you in the mess hall.”

His fork stops mid-way from the plate to his mouth, and the intensity in his eyes sends a shiver down your spine.

“Why?” he asks. You squirm slightly in your seat.

“I’m not sure myself, to be honest,” you admit, and you can’t help the defeated slump of your shoulders. “You were the first one who talked to me when I got here out of their own volition and not because of work. After our chat, I was hoping to see you around or something…”

The pause that follows lasts for a couple of seconds only, but it feels eternal. Until finally, Kestis lets out a short sigh and continues eating.

“I usually avoid the mess hall,” he says, his voice much more gentle now. “Too many people. Too much noise.”

“I see,” is all you manage to reply.

Taking the two last bites of his meal, Kestis sets down the fork. That’s my queue, you think.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to keep imposing,” you say, rising up to your feet, and he does the same. Before turning around, you search his eyes one last time. “That’s really all I wanted to do: to bring you the food. I’ll be going now. Good night, Sir.”

The Inquisitor walks you to the door, and just as you walk past the threshold, his words surprise you.

“Next time you could bring two portions.”

You whip around, but the door whooshes shut with a hiss.

— — —

After that, you two fall into a strange routine where you get dinner to go and bring it to his quarters so you can eat together. The conversations start out as polite small-talk, but soon enough you can broaden your topics, ranging from work to anecdotes and fun facts you picked up here and there.

While the tone remains polite and all in all pleasant, you do notice that he’s very careful not to touch you. You think it’s because he’s being respectful, but unbeknownst to you, it’s because he wants to get to know you organically, and not pry into the echoes of your belongings. Even if he knows he could, and you’d never even know, and despite his growing curiosity, he feels… compelled to try. For you. Because you bring a refreshing factor into his otherwise stale life, like a gentle melody in the cold vastness of space.

It’s rare to run into Cal, as he’s recently allowed you (and only you) to call him, in the halls or in the hangar. As fate would have it though, you’re just about to get into a ship with your trooper squad to leave for a job off-planet, while Cal happens to be getting off his own ship at the same time.

You don’t want to disturb him. Even if you want to wave at him from afar really badly, or even call out to him. But you think he’d appreciate it if you keep your relationship, whatever it is, a secret. To your complete surprise however, once he spots you in the ever moving crowd of the busy hangar, he comes to you.

Beelining towards you, he comes to a stop in front of you, sporting his full uniform. And while the group around you stiffens up and some even take a precautionary step back, you feel very at ease in his presence, greeting him like you normally would with a smile. If you’re being completely honest, you feel kinda proud that one of the most feared Inquisitors on base came to you, and that everyone seems so scared of him while you are completely relaxed, though still remaining respectful of course.

“Welcome back,” you greet Cal with a genuine smile. “I hope your mission wasn’t too eventful?”

“It all went according to plan,” the distorted voice says with a static crackle.

“That’s good to hear,” you reply.

Cal’s head shifts ever so slightly, the visor looking past your face to something behind your back.

“Is there a problem, trooper?” the Inquisitor asks, standing a little taller as he addresses the soldier who’s shifting his weight from one leg to the other.

“With all due respect, Sir, we’re on a tight schedule-“

The trooper next to him elbows him in the side.

“Is that so,” Cal asks rhetorically, and you can’t really read his tone because of the distortion. Still, you decide to intervene.

“It’s okay, we can still make it on time,” you assure him and shoot the trooper a pointed look while whispering to Cal that he’s new. “But yes, we should probably get going. I’m glad I got to see you, though. Thanks for stopping by to say hi.”

Cal nods and makes room for you to walk past, while the others keep a noticeable distance between the Inquisitor and themselves as they walk around him. When you reach the ramp to the ship, you turn around one last time. You’re not sure what you were expecting, but you’re still surprised to see Cal standing there, hands behind his back, facing your direction. You give a little wave with your hand, then hurry up the ramp and take a seat. As the ship takes off, you’re checking the data on your holopad. You suddenly feel something on your cheek, like the faintest caress of a summer breeze, and you could swear you just heard a voice in your head.

‘Come back safely.’

As the ship activates the hyperdrive, your hand involuntarily comes up to touch your cheek where the skin still prickles from what you can only describe as a ghost’s touch.

— — —

Ever since then, you notice a shift in the way everyone treats you, even your superiors, but especially the troopers. Some seem to get out of your way completely when you come walking down the hall, while others are especially attentive to your needs, offering to help you whenever you look like you’re lost or are searching for something. That one trooper who had spoken up to Cal, you haven’t seen him around at all. In fact, it isn’t until two weeks after the incident that you decide to ask one of your other squad members where he is, and she tells you that he got reassigned to not only a different squadron, but an entirely different planetary system. You have a hunch about who’s responsible for that, but you're still not quite sure why he would go to such lengths. Had he really felt that disrespected? You should watch your tone with him from now on, lest you also be sent to some backwater planet…

However, Cal still acts as he always has around you. You still eat dinner in his room, like you’ve been doing for a while now. And while it may just be your wishful thinking, it seems like his whole body language has finally started to soften too. When it’s just the two of you, his shoulders are not as tense, his jaw not as tight, his eyes not as harsh. Even the way he talks has changed. Others may not notice, but you’re literally trained for this. His choice of words has shifted to a less strictly professional lingo, allowing himself to articulate more freely, as well as use more face expressions, voice tone changes and hand gestures, compared to how he acted when your dinner routine started. At some point, he even stopped wearing his gloves around you all the time.

On one hand, for the past couple of months, dinner has been the highlight of your day. You get to spend time with someone who actually listens to you, not because of work, not because you have data they need, but because they just like to spend time with you. Or at least you hope he does.

On the other hand, you’ve been noticing a slight knot in your stomach whenever you stand in front of Cal’s door, waiting for it to open. As well as the prick of heat on your cheeks when he reacts to your jokes (you haven’t seen him properly smile or laugh out loud yet, but you’ll get there). And let’s not forget the involuntary hitch of your breath accompanied by the skip of your heart when you discover him in the same room with you when you weren’t expecting to see him.

Somewhere deep within you, you know what all of those mean. But you like the relationship that you’ve built with him, no matter how weird it is, too much to listen to your gut right now. So you just push all and any thought of that kind waaay back into the darkest corner of your brain, hoping it’ll pass.

— — —

One day, you’re feeling a little blue, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by Cal. He asks what the problem is, and you tell him you miss something from your home planet. He assures you, whatever it is, he can get it for you. So you write down some things and he orders them. Only two rotations later, the package is at his door.

He's really curious to open it but decides to wait for you to get there that evening. When you’re finally in his quarters and he shows you the box, you’re super happy and unpack everything: it’s candy, some fruits he’s never seen before, a jar of what looks like herbs, and another jar with a blue spread of sorts.

You hum, thinking about what to show him first, and decide to go for the jar with the spread. Picking it up, you’re about to start explaining what it is while you open it, but whatever you plan to say gets cut off because of your fruitless effort to screw open the lid. You give it a second try, but it just won’t budge.

With a sheepish look, you wordlessly hand him the glass and when he takes it, there’s a cocky smile on his face that you’ve never seen on him before. You bite your tongue just in time to stop some witty remark, because it would have been a jumble of sounds and no coherent sentence anyway. For in a split second, all those feelings and thoughts you have been repressing come back all at once in one massive wave that crashes over you, drowning everything else around you.

If that small of a change in his face has such a big effect on you, you wonder what else there is. What would a proper smile on him look like? Would he ever properly smile at you? With you? For you? And if it was the other way around, if it was you wearing a cocky grin, looking down at him, how would he—

Oh, oh no. You’re in it bad. So bad.

The sound of your name snaps you back to reality, where Cal is offering you the now open jar, waiting for you to take it. You blink a couple of times, your eyes moving from his face to the jar, then back to his face. One of his brows rises to give you a questioning look. Heat spreads on your face, ears and neck at the multiple images that appeared in your head. You give him a quick thanks, grab the jar, and turn around to hide from his gaze. Already familiarised with his kitchen, you walk up to the counter to rummage in the drawer for a spoon. Taking a deep breath to try and calm your racing heart, you turn back around. Cal is still standing by the table, following your every movement with his yellow eyes. And for some reason, you feel like all the walls you had managed to pick away at ever so slowly have been pulled up again around him.

You’ve heard stories of Force users being able to read minds, and right now you really hope they’re not true. What if he can sense your thoughts? Is he… disgusted at you?

Somehow managing to regain your composure and willing away most of the prickling heat on your face, you explain to him what this spread is called in your mother tongue, which translates to something like “sweet of milk”, and how delicious it is.

You’re still by the counter, not really wanting to get into Cal’s space, and you take a spoonful of the jar’s contents and put it into your mouth.

“Hm, it’s so good,” you say, offering him the spoon to give it a try himself.

He suddenly seems to revert to his normal self and approaches you, grabbing a new spoon from the drawer. Ah, you should have known, he doesn’t like sharing cutlery. Or cups. Or… anything, really. Odd, but you’ve always just attributed it to him being scared of germs or the like, which is very valid. It’s probably the same reason why he’s wearing gloves all the time, especially outside.

As he twists the spoon in his mouth, you see Cal’s face light up for the first time; he likes it. You’re relieved.

“So glad you like it! Alright then, let’s make some pancakes. You’re going to love them,” you exclaim.

Seeing the rest of the imported goods on the table, you tell him to try some candy while you work. You take off your bracelet, leaving it next to the box, and roll up your sleeves to get to work.

While the pancakes are cooking, you watch Cal’s reaction to the sweets. He first inspects it closely in his fingers; it’s shaped like a short stick with stripes in different shades of pink. You tell him the wrappers have trivia facts about animals, but they’re written in your native language. So while he chews on the soft candy, he walks over to you, holding out the wrapper for you to read.

“What does it say?” he asks, and you can’t help feel extremely endeared. Your eyes fall to the paper in his hands.

“It’s about banthas. It says that both females and males have a pair of spiralling horns, and they grow a knob a year. So you can tell the age of banthas by how curly their horns are,” you read out loud. “Huh, I didn’t know that.”

“Interesting,” Cal remarks with a short nod of his head. He chews some more on the candy while inspecting the drawing of the bantha on the wrapper. He seems to like them a lot. In fact, he goes back to the table and takes a second one. He asks you what they’re called again, saying he will probably order some more for himself.

Flipping yet another pancake, you tell him their name and smile to yourself, glad you managed to introduce something nice and colourful into his life. Not that being an Inquisitor wasn’t fun… was it? Truthfully, you have no idea how they feel about what they do out there. You’ve tried getting something out of Cal, but whenever the topic of his work comes up, he shuts you out. You also try not to listen too closely to the gory details of their work that are talked about in quick whispers in the hallways. Either way, you like to think that you broke whatever monotony there could be for Cal, even if only a little bit. Maybe he even looks forward to your moments together, as you do.

The Inquisitor asks what the other jar with the herbs is. You explain that it’s actually leaves for an infusion, and ask if he could put the kettle on.

Suddenly this whole moment feels strangely domestic, and you reprimand your heart for yet another beat it just skipped. It’s just a normal hangout between… colleagues. Making pancakes and having tea. Absolutely normal, strictly professional behaviour, yes.

You flip the last pancake and watch as Cal stands up to get back to the kitchen, but when he puts the jar with the tea leaves back on the table without really looking, his bare hand grazes your bracelet. With a sharp breath through his teeth, he suddenly tenses up, and his gaze is fixed on some spot behind you, without really focusing on anything. You’re not sure what’s happening, but he’s completely frozen up, and you start panicking.

After turning off the heat on the stove, you hurry to stand in front of the Inquisitor, unsure what to do. You call his name repeatedly, but he doesn’t react. Your hand comes up to the side of his arm but you hesitate, stopping just before touching him. Looking up at him, you try calling his name again; still no reaction. So you don’t really have a choice. You place your hand on his upper arm and give him a gentle shake.

“Cal,” you call yet again. “Cal, what’s wrong?”

He takes a big gulp of air, as if he had forgotten to breathe all this time. After blinking a couple of times, it seems he’s back with you, and his eyes dart back to yours, boring into your skull with an intensity that takes you off guard. You’re quick to remove your hand from him and instinctively take a step back to give him some space.

“A-Are you okay?” you ask. “You just spaced out really hard for a moment.”

“Yeah I’m- I’m fine,” he replies, and it’s the first time you’ve ever heard him stutter. “It was… something occurred to me that really took me by surprise, is all.”

“… Right,” you stretch out the word, waiting for him to explain what he meant further, but he reverts completely back to normal in an instant.

“You asked me to put the kettle on, right?” he asks and is already on his way to the kitchen.

“Uhm, yeah,” you follow him with your gaze, confused, then remember an important detail, so you join him in the kitchen. “Oh, but don’t let it boil. That will ruin the leaves. Just gotta heat up the water.”

“Got it.”

— — —

After some more preparations, you’re both sat at the table, and you show him how to eat the pancakes. They’re not like the thick, small pancakes he knows. These ones are larger in diameter and very thin. You demonstrate how to evenly apply the blue spread, stack the cubes of fruit you prepped, then roll up the pancakes like a tube and pick it up in your hands.

“Ta-da,” you exclaim. “And now, enjoy.”

Taking a big bite, you squeal at how good it tastes. It’s been ages since you’ve had this!

Cal imitates what you did earlier, putting together his own pancake tube, and takes a bite as well. Even he can’t help the low moan that escapes through his nose at this fantastic combination. You giggle at the sight, enjoying it immensely that you get to see all these sides to him that probably no one else has seen. Once more, your brain is invaded by the thought of what else there might be to Inquisitor Cal Kestis. If he allowed you to lower wall after wall, layer after layer… what would you discover?

You shake your head to rid yourself of the images starting to form. Nope, can’t go there.

Instead, you decide to show him how the tea is brewed. You grab a small cup and pour some tea leaves in there, which are chopped much more finely than other loose tea Cal has seen. Then you place the special straw that came in the box in the cup. Cal has never seen something like it; it’s essentially a metal tube that is flat at the top and ends in a bulbous shape at the bottom full of little holes.

“So, let me get this straight,” he starts once he understands the mechanics behind your concoction. “Instead of putting the contained leaves in water and then removing them to drink the tea, you just put loose leaves in the water and filter it through the straw to drink the tea?”

“Essentially, yes!”

“That’s so many extra steps…”, Cal sighs, bringing his hand up to hold his temple.

“It’s literally the same,” you laugh. “Just in a different order.”

Pouring hot water into the cup, careful not to overspill it, you offer the cup to him.

“The things you make me do…” he says under his breath, taking the cup and giving it a tentative sniff.

“Oh please,” you say teasingly, and a grin spreads on your face as you prop up your chin on your elbows. “As if you’re not having the time of your life today. I saw how many candies you ate earlier.”

Cal’s eyes dart down to your lips and back up so quickly that you miss it. With a defeated sigh, he gives the tea a try, grimacing at the bitter taste. You chuckle.

“It certainly is an acquired taste, but give it a chance. It gets better with time, trust me.” Kinda like you, you think.

He looks at the cup and back at you, kinda lost on what to do now.

“You’re supposed to suck on the straw until there’s no more water left, then you pass it back and I pour another one,” you explain.

“So many extra steps,” he repeats with a playful shake of his head, but he does as you said, if only to humour you. Once the straw makes the typical noise of there not being any more liquid at the bottom of a cup, he passes it back to you. With a smile, you pour more water into it, and have a drink yourself. He seems a bit shocked about that.

“Oh yeah, this is a drink passed around in a group, and everyone drinks from the same straw…,” you explain. Not to sound like a 12-year-old, a voice in your head says, but that just was an indirect kiss with an Inquisitor. You clear your throat. “Sorry, I guess I should have asked for a second straw so we could both use one each. I was going to offer another round of tea to you after I’m done with this one, as it usually goes, but if it makes you uncomfortable…”

Cal straightens up in his seat in surprise at your words.

“Why would it make me uncomfortable?”

“You don’t like sharing cutlery and stuff like that, right?” you ask, now confused as well, thinking back to when he clearly grabbed another spoon to try the spread.

“Oh, uhm, that’s… never mind.”

He fidgets with his fingers for a second, but when he notices you watching him, he hides his hands under the table. You merely hum in response, taking another sip. Is he… nervous? The mood seems to have shifted again and now you’re completely lost as to what’s going on. All those years of training and studying, yet this man before you remains a mystery.

The rest of the evening is spent eating pancakes and drinking tea, holding a pleasant conversation, albeit a superficial one. At times, it feels like his eyes are completely fixed on you, but within seconds, it’s like he can’t even look at you.

Concluding you’ve overstayed your welcome, you offer to quickly wash up, then be on your way. He merely nods and helps to bring all the dishes to the counter, then goes back to the table. You assume it’s to get another candy from the box. But you don’t mind; you offered to wash up after all.

Silence envelops the whole room, the only sound being the water coming from the tap. As you’re putting the last of the dishes on the little drying rack, you sigh. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea after all. Full of questions and doubts, you dry your hands on the towel, fully set on ending the evening by thanking him for getting the things in the first place, saying you had a good time and keeping your goodbyes short. You aren’t even sure if you’ll manage to appear here with a straight face for dinner tomorrow after everything that happened today, the problem being mainly the things playing out in your own head.

Being so deep in thought, you don’t notice the presence behind you, so when you turn around, you’re almost nose to nose with Cal. You can’t help the surprised little “ah, kriff!” that escapes you at his sudden appearance. With the counter behind you though, there’s nowhere for you to back away to, and Cal isn’t budging from where he stands.

“Don’t forget this,” he says in a low voice and holds up your bracelet, which you had left on the table earlier. He’s so close that you can feel his soft breaths on your face.

“R-right, thanks.”

Looking anywhere but at the Inquisitor, you take the piece of jewellery and put it on your wrist. It takes you a couple of tries though, because your fingers are trembling. In fear, anticipation or something else, you don’t really know. You fumble for a moment until you finally manage to secure the clasp. Cal however, is still standing right in front of you, his hands now coming up to rest on the counter on either side of you. You don’t dare to breathe.

“Uhm, what’s going on?” you ask in an impossibly small voice.

“I think you know.”

It takes every last drop of courage in your body, but you scrape it all together and put it into lifting your eyes to look at Cal. And when your gaze meets his, the breath is knocked out of your lungs entirely. He’s looking down at you so intensely, so hungry, you can’t even begin to describe what you’re feeling. Your brain is long gone, you realise, so now you’re entirely at the mercy of what Cal does and whatever physical reaction that gets out from you. And it seems he’s very much aware of this, enjoying the state you find yourself in, if that tiny side smile is anything to go by as he leans in next to your head. You go completely stiff.

“If you want me to back off, tell me now,” he says directly into your ear.

You take a shaky breath, and the last of the voices in your head all but screaming at you to get out of there is abruptly shut up. Anything and everything in your mind and body is Cal Kestis right now, and for a split second, you wonder if he’s using some Force mind trick on you or if this is all you. That thought dissipates instantaneously though when you feel Cal’s breath tickle your ear, still waiting for your response. You merely shake your head, and it’s so subtle he probably wouldn’t have caught it if he didn’t have his face right next to yours.

With his cheek now against yours, you can feel him smile. Properly smile.

“Good,” is all he says, and before you know it, his lips are on yours.

His arms snake around your waist, pressing your body into his, and he devours you with such ferocity that you need a moment to regain control in your limbs. Once you do, your hands are all over him. One fists the shirt at his back, the other goes into the hair at the nape of his neck and you give it a gentle, tentative pull. The groan that leaves his lips is intoxicating, and you know right then and there that there’s no going back from this. Not tonight, not ever. This is all it took for you to know you’re officially addicted to Cal Kestis.

He tilts his head to deepen the kiss further, his tongue pressing against your own and pushing both your hips into the counter behind you. You can’t help the low moan that escapes you. Any other day you would have felt embarrassed, but today you don’t care. You’re making out with a kriffin’ Inquisitor and it’s great. As if he could hear your thoughts, Cal gives your bottom lip a nip, starting to leave a trail of bites and licks along your jaw, while his hands slide to the backside of your thighs. Before you can process what he’s doing, you're being lifted onto the free counter space like you weigh nothing, with Cal standing between your legs. One of his hands slowly moves further up your thigh, and your whole body feels like it’s on fire.

Suddenly, something occurs to you, and with a breathless “wait” you tilt your head to the side to take a breather and try to regain any rational thought you may have left. You’re both panting heavily, and while he looks openly annoyed at your interruption, he places one last kiss on the corner of your mouth, then backs away a bit to let you take a break.

“What,” he finally says, and it’s less of a question and more of an impatient bark, as you still haven’t said anything.

Your brain is going at a thousand miles an hour, there’s too much input from everywhere, but you still manage to find the words somehow.

“I just- This is- Not that I’m not enjoying this immensely, but… why? All of a sudden?” you ask, finally feeling like you’ve caught your breath again.

Cal huffs with a slight roll of his eyes, running a hand through his hair, and while you probably should be a little bit offended at his gesture, you’re suddenly way too focused on what you have the chance of witnessing: the way his hair messily falls into his face once he drops his hand. The clear blush adorning his freckled and scarred cheeks, nose and even the tips of his ears. The puffy lips, mouth still parted. The backlighting coming from the main room behind him almost gives him an ethereal glow, making the golden hue in his eyes stand out even more. You commit the image to memory.

“The bracelet, when I touched it earlier,” he starts explaining, but when he sees you just as dishevelled as him, he decides he can’t be bothered right now. “It’s called psychometry, I’ll explain it to you later.”

With an impatient grunt, he just picks you up and you instinctively wrap your legs around his waist.

“Right now there are more pressing matters,” he mumbles into your shoulder.

You realise you’re being carried towards the door that’s always been closed every time you come over. When you both approach, they slide open with a hiss and you’re met with his bedroom, as you’ve always speculated that’s what lies behind it.

Letting you fall backwards onto his large bed rather unceremoniously, he starts climbing on top of you, but before putting any weight on you, he stops and looks down at you with a serious face.

“Last chance to back out,” he offers.

You can’t help at chuckle, and grin up at him.

“As if.”

Your hands shoot up to hold him by the collar. You have no idea where the confidence even comes from at this point.

“I want you, Cal,” you say breathlessly, and that’s all it takes for him to be on top of and all over you again. Let’s just say pancakes and tea aren't the only treats you’ll be getting today.

— — —

A/N 2: inq!cal has a sweet tooth, honk if you agree

A/N 3: where my palitos de la selva gang at B)

~~~~~

🐥 taglist: [link to join in my pinned post!] @dybynyght, @galaxtic-writings, @kalea-bane, @soka-writes-things, @padawancat97, @riddikulus-obsessions, @optimisticprime3, @starilicious, @ivelostmyabilitytoeven, @alternatescififandomelover

#goose feathers #cal kestis x reader #star wars cal x reader #inquisitor cal kestis x reader #jedi fallen order x reader #star wars x reader #listen if milk is blue in star wars #it makes sense for dulce de leche to be dark blue right?#let’s just go with it #look at me bringing irl cultural aspects into my writing wow

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geekywritings · 11 months

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Family is what you build

Another little story that came to me on my holiday.

Cal x reader + Kata as an adoptive daughter. I just love the trope of found family.

______

“Who’s this?”

At the sound of the ship landing nearby, you had rushed out of your home, expecting Cal to return, but for the first time, he was not alone.

“This is Kata.”, the Jedi replied, standing behind the black-haired little girl, hands resting gently on her shoulders, as she smiled at you a little shyly.

“Nice to meet you, Kata. Come on in, you two. It looks like it’s about to rain.”

Cal took the girl’s hand, following you inside. He knew his way around, the place like a second home to him after so long. The feeling was nothing he ever would have expected, given your first encounter.

That had been more than a year ago, when you had fished him out of the river, more dead than alive. He had gotten injured trying to take down an Imperial base far upstream, you had found out later, after you had nursed him back up.

He had stayed with you for a few weeks then, albeit not exactly voluntarily, his wounds keeping him from returning to the fight. During that time, you had grown close and he had learned to appreciate the quiet life you led on your little farm in the middle of nowhere. The Imperial occupation of the planet almost intangible where you lived.

You had not expected him to return after he left for the first time, but just a few weeks later, you found him standing in your garden. He wanted to repay you for your kindness, but you refused the credits he offered. Instead, he ended up helping you around the farm for a few days, fixing things and taking care of the plants. He was surprisingly good with it and you could see how he relaxed more and more.

Soon, your home had turned into his safe haven. He would come to see you after particularly intense missions or when he needed some medical care, not trusting anyone else with it. And before you knew it, you could not imagine a life without him. Or he without you. At the same time, you both knew that he could not just abandon the fight. He would never be able to rest knowing that he could make a change out there.

So, although you worried, you let him go every time and welcomed him back with open arms. Him and whoever he brought with him. Like this mysterious little girl.

“Are you hungry, Kata?”, you asked her, as she took a seat at your little table.

“Yes! Cal said you are a great cook.”, she spoke, the shyness quickly dissipating.

“Did he now? What else did he say about me?”

“That you are very nice. And really pretty!”

You chuckled as you warmed up some soup from last night.

“Well, it is true…”, Cal said to his defense, joining you in the kitchen area to grab bowls and spoons. He always helped out without being asked to – one of the many things you loved him for. You smiled as he leaned down to press a kiss to your cheek. “That’s a lame kiss.”, you complained and this time it was his turn to chuckle before he placed a second one on your lips.

Dinner was different with an additional person at the table, but you enjoyed it nevertheless. Kata was a lovely girl, bright and open, easily holding a conversation. Soon, she was growing tired however and you offered your bed, seeing as there weren’t many alternatives. You could always share the couch with Cal.

You watched fondly as Cal tucked her in, wishing her a goodnight before the two of you went outside. It was pouring by now, but the bench on your porch was protected by a little roof.

“So? Will you tell me about her?”, you asked the question that had been nagging you since their arrival. The story he told you was nothing you had ever expected, however. Bode’s betrayal, the fight, the discovery of Tanalorr. It was almost all a little too much for you.

At the same time, your heart swelled with love for the man who already held it. To take in a child like that, no questions asked, not anyone would do that.

“I should have asked you first.”, he finished with, a hint of guilt in his voice. “But I couldn’t just leave her all alone. After I was the one to kill her father…”

Instantly your hand was on his, while giving him a reassuring smile. “You did the right thing, Cal. And I love you even more for it.”, you added. “But the question is, what do you plan to do now?”

He seemed to be battling with himself, so many emotions passing over his face.

“You can leave her with me… if she wants to stay.”, you offered and his eyes snapped toward you. He had hoped he could count on you. No, he KNEW that he could count on you, but still… And it wasn’t the only thing on his mind.

“Tanalorr… it’s a true chance for a new life.”, he finally began. “For so many people. It will need some work, of course…” Again he paused. “The fight against the Empire is impossible.” You squeezed his hand a little tighter at the tone of defeat in his voice. “But I can at least save as many people as possible. Offer them a haven out of the Empire’s reach.”

He adjusted your hands, now being the one holding yours. “I… I was hoping we could build something there as well.”

You were at a loss for words. He was asking you to leave and instantly your eyes scanned over the place you called home. You had built so much of it with your own hands, the entire house nothing more than a ruin surrounded by dirt when you had bought it. But who said you couldn’t create something similar somewhere else?

Cal seemed to notice your hesitation, as he continued to speak: “I know, you are safe here now. But who says the Empire won’t come here in the future?”

He did have a point. You were surrounded by fertile land and lush forests. Or, as the Empire probably saw it, valuable resources. It really was just a question of time until your home would fall into their clutches.

“I want to build a future with you.”, the Jedi repeated, looking at you earnestly. “We could have a safe home on Tanalorr. You, me, and Kata, if you are willing to give it a chance.”

Although the idea of leaving your home was still painful, you nodded. Because you did want a future with Cal. And even the idea of an adoptive daughter had its own nice ring to it.

“You agree then?”, he asked, hopefully.

“Yes, but I have conditions.”

“Whatever you want, love.”

“One, I’m picking the spot where to build the house.”

He nodded. “Should be feasible.”

“Two, I’ll be the one cooking. You don’t know how to season.”

“Although I’m slightly offended, I agree.”, he replied with a chuckle.

“Also, no more dangerous missions.”

“That is the plan… Once everything is settled.” It was a compromise you could work with.

“And lastly…” Ok, this one was the one you were really worried about.

“Yes?”, Cal seemed to sense something big was coming, but nothing prepared him for the words you uttered.

“I want a sibling for Kata one day.”

You had no chance to worry about your blush, as Cal was quick to lean in, capturing your lips in a kiss. You could feel every bit of love he felt for you in that gesture, and every bit of excitement your last condition had sparked in him.

“Deal, love.”, he whispered as you pulled apart, ready for a new future.

#cal kestis #cal kestis x yn #cal kestis x you #cal kestis x reader #jedi survivor

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the-phoenix-heart · 9 months

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Sorting Hat Chats - Titanic (1997)

I watched Titanic twice in two days and this is the result of that. I finally remembered that I make these types of posts.

Here is a summary of the system I am using (credit: @wisteria-lodge ) and because it has been a long time let the record show: Fuck JKR, I do not support her view at all.

The movie is ROSE'S story, not actually Rose and Jack's story. The thing with it is while Jack is integral to the plot, what matters is that he exists and he saved her. He doesn't go through an arc. This is Rose's story, and it is of her self actualization.

Rose says she knows exactly how her life is going to play out, and we can see she hates it. Even before she has met Jack she is subtly rebelling against her mother and Cal. She hates the bird primary model she wears, the one that has all the rules that define her life.

The real Rose, the one that isn't stifled under the weight of high society, is a Lion primary. When she is herself she smokes, drinks more than Jack, competes with the big strong Swedish man, flips off Cal's valet, and is extremely horny.

She is a lion primary. She wishes to do what she feels is right. On the Titanic her 'cause' is "say fuck you to high society and abscond with my manic pixie dream Leonardo DiCaprio." Then after the iceberg hits it becomes "save Jack at all costs and also other people I come across." Jack getting arrested for stealing the diamond is because she felt an obligation to tell her mother and Cal about the iceberg.

When she is telling Jack why she came back to save him, asking how she figured he didn't steal, she says "I didn't. I just realized I already knew."

As for her secondary, we are introduced to her as she is doing pottery. Then we are introduced to her a second time with her comparing the Titanic to the Mauritania. Rose Dewitt Bukater is a Bird secondary.

Rose knows things. We see her as an old woman and see she travels with her pictures that she has collected. Young Rose collects paintings that she likes and clearly has a taste for fine art. She insults Ismay by bringing up Freud. She knows everything about the people in high society around her, though she clearly doesn't like them. She has jack teaching her things. She knows what ice fishing and did ballet. She becomes an actress. And she knows how every interaction will go when it comes to High Society, as well as different languages.

I debated her being a Lion secondary because in the third act she looks like one, wielding an axe and jumping off boats and pushing people up against walls saying she is through with being polite. But I think in a disaster scenario anyone will look like Lion secondary. Plus, when she is half frozen to death she gets the attention of the boat by taking the whistle of the man she had seen blowing it before. An observation paying off.

JACK DAWSON was an interesting case to sort. I don't know if this is a hot take, but I think Jack is a Badger primary. Jack cares about people. Within two days of being on the ship he already knows the name of a random little girl on the ship (Cora) and calls her his favorite girl. He learns people's names quickly is incredibly affable with them. The way he talks about the one legged prostitute or the woman who wore all her jewels, he remembered them. He's barely been in his cabin with the Swedish guys for one minute and he's already treating them like his best friends.

I think it really is summed up with the scene on Titanic as it departs.

Jack, waving to the people: "Goodbye!" Fabrizio: "You know somebody?" Jack: "Of course not, that's not the point!"

Fabrizio joins in on saying goodbye after Jack. For Jack saying goodbye was either because he was saying goodbye to England, or because everybody was waving goodbye and he wanted to join in on the activity.

I think it's also clear when he saves Rose. He has only seen this girl once from a distance, but when he sees her about to throw herself off the ship he is immediately ready to save her. He's too involved now.

But he doesn't have to jump in and rescue her. Because he talks her out of it. He tells her about an experience he had falling into cold water, and clearly makes it seem like he's ready to jump in after her. He's already taking his coat and shoes off to jump in. His strategy seems to be, "if I can't convince her to save herself I can convince her to save me."

I think he's a Snake secondary. He immediately blends into high society by mimicking the mannerisms of the people around him and by playing himself so incredibly confident in his meager origins that they are charmed by him. There's also the seen wear he disguises himself so he can get a chance to talk to Rose. He also is clearly at home playing poker and has a good poker face.

He almost comes off as a Bird secondary because he knows so much stuff, but he makes it clear that he doesn't have a plan, he kinda just goes wear he goes living day to day. So I think that his grab bag of skills is literally just things he has picked up from day to day life.

I think the Badger Snake sorting works as shorthand for telling you what you need to know about him. He's sexy and fun because he's a Snake secondary, but also worldly and kind because he's a Badger primary.

And last but least I want to talk about is CALEDON HOCKLEY. Because even though he is a very simple character I also think he's a very interesting one. Because Caledon Hockley is destroyed by love. Or obsession. Or possession. It's hard to tell with him. They could have played him as just the greedy asshole in it for money, but he's not just that. He also appears to genuinely loves Rose, he just happens to be an absolute fucking asshole! He seeks to control every aspect of her life, because he loves her and is obsessed with her and wants to possess her, even when she is constantly rebelling against him.

Even after he has slapped her and she has told him she would rather be Jack's whore than Cal's wife he has his valet trying to find her and tries to make sure that she gets on a lifeboat. He even lies and says he'll get Jack on a lifeboat as well so long as Rose gets on one. And EVEN AFTER he tries to kill her for running off with Jack he goes looking for her after they are on the Carpathia. He might've been looking to get the diamond but with how melancholic he looks it seems more like he wanted to see she was alive. I think part of that is Billy Zane.

He says it himself, "There's nothing I'd deny you, if you would not deny me."

(Cal should take notes from the Goblin King's speech to Sarah in Labyrinth)

So he is an exploded Snake primary. As for his secondary, it would be easy to say Lion secondary. He is very violent, shooting at Rose and Jack (which he is very bad at), breaking things, and slapping Rose around. But that's when he's pissed. Throughout the movie the way he does things is much more subtle. He takes out Rose's cigarette and orders her food for her. He turns off the music box she was listening to. He pretends he has been robbed so he can from Jack for it. He gets his valet to do most of his dirty work and he bribes people with things. When his bribery has failed and he's separated from his valet he doesn't go in with punching people, he grabs the screaming Irish girl he saw earlier and says he has a child and has to be let on. He's a badger secondary. A dark one, but a badger.

So...

Rose Dewitt Bukater - Lion primary, Bird primary model that defines her life that she hates/Bird secondary

Jack Dawson - Badger primary/Snake secondary

Caledon Hockley - Exploded Snake primary/Badger secondary

#titanic #titanic 1997 #jack dawson #rose dewitt bukater #caledon hockley #sorting hat chats #sortinghatchats

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fiddles-ifs · 1 year

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GREENWARDEN UPDATE: 3-1-23

Since I'll take any excuse to work less, play more, I always try and take February off my usual update schedule. This makes March something of a hefty update month, which is good! However, I didn't want to leave people hanging, so instead I'll leave you all with a snippet for a certain, highly specific path for the next update.

Under the cut for length! Content warnings for blood and violence. The usual.

The night is slow — the regulars file in like tired dogs, covered in grease-stained overalls and jumpsuits, shedding camo jackets and hats, throwing them over stools. They settle in with the same wheezy whine. Most work in the coal mines and natural gas wells. Long journeyed people from Texas or South Carolina, gone in a year or two; they form their cliques away from the mechanics, carpenters, contractors, and Warden natives. Both groups, you notice, give a wide berth to the lumber yard workers.

You can see their haunted eyed, glassy stares from miles away. They’re like headlights. Even the bartender seems reluctant to serve them. They sit, exiled, at a table that seems specially purposed for them and say nothing. When they want another round — and there are a lot of them — they send an emissary up to the bar. You make a note of the time. They could be useful. People who spend a lot of time in woods like these tend to have stories, and you know that look.

Hopefully you can keep PIRA away from them for now.

It’s the bar rush — or something adjacent to it. It’s not full, but now that peoples’ wives and girlfriends have slipped in, there’s more talking and happier songs filtered through the jukebox. The bell over the door hasn’t jingled in almost an hour, and you figure it won’t until people start filing out. You check your watch. Almost seven — and the sun has sunk behind the mountains. At least, you think so.

You’ve been getting progressively drunker, a little louder and more sullen. Still in control. Still good. But the world is fuzzy around the edges and your cheeks are warm. The fish bowl is quiet, for once, even if the bar patrons are starting to inch away from you.

It isn’t long before you feel a shadow fall over your shoulder, a warning blink before you’re immediately accosted with a very loud hey. It’s loud enough it catches the bartender’s attention and hurts your ear. You rub the side of your head with your palm. Soothing the ache. Already halfway murderous, you turn your head to look at whoever is trying oh-so-politely to get your attention.

He’s a broadly built man, about six foot, and not much older than you; his high-and-tight is still a deep, dark, coal black and there’s only a few wrinkles around his eyes — but you can see the telltale puffiness of prolonged alcoholism in his cheeks and nose. A little bit of flab settling into the hard lines of his body. He’s wobbling, more than a little drunk, and flanked by similarly large and sturdily built men.

He just screams cop.

“You been snooping around like a fuckin’ rat,” he says, “asking questions, makin’ people uncomfortable, right where you don’t fuckin’ belong. Who do you think you are?”

“Jim-“ The bartender goes to step in. Tries to. He gets in your space, knocking her half-hearted hands out of the way to crowd you against your stool.

“Naw, Cal, I’m over this little prick.”

>YOU CAN'T HELP THE SMILE. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE DEALING WITH.

A vile, razor smile creeps up your face like a disease. Your legs follow, unfolding bit by bit. Almost a full head taller than Jim and his townies. “Little, huh?”

Your feet slide into place easily; it’s a familiar dance. You love the steps, the choreography, the aftermath.

You’ve never felt more alive than in the middle of a fight.

“Jim,” Cal’s voice is hard from behind the stick, a shield making her a little braver, “you know the rules.”

Both of you stare like snarling dogs at the ends of their chains; you watch Jim debate with himself, addled and stumbling. Whatever rules exist at McNeil’s, Jim decides they’re worth breaking. For the thrill, if nothing else.

You watch his punch come in from miles away. He’s a heavy hitter — slow and clumsy.

You let it breathe just a little too close to your face, stepping into its wild arc. You fist finds the soft meat between ribs. Once. Twice. Something threatens to snap. His ribs, the tension, something else.

Chaos reigns.

Jim backs up and gags, wretching for air just as someone tries to jump in. You redirect their arm, throwing them across the bar into the delicate fridge full of pop and water bottles. Glass shatters. Someone is screaming. Someone is laughing.

You pick up a stool and smash it into a face; you don’t even know if they were coming or running away. This is what you were made for, molded into. The blood makes a primal, predator part of your brain start slobbering. The sound of breaking glass and cracking bones become a restless cacophony. Different bars, different prey. You lose yourself in the memories, becoming a whirlwind, getting sloppy, a hungry animal set lose on a pack of house-trained dogs.

A hand grabs your shoulder and spins you around. You almost stab whoever it is (no knife in your hand, what were you thinking?) before they punch you in the face. You recognize the knuckle taste even as you hit the floor. Bautista.

He hits you again just for good measure when you start sitting up. Pain explodes up your mouth and rattles behind your eyes; you taste new pennies. Your head lolls limply when he grabs you by the shirt and jacket and drags your sorry ass out of McNeil’s. People throw things. Someone wolf whistles at Bautista’s retreating back.

YOU'RE STILL LAUGHING, EARS RINGING, SWALLOWING BLOOD.

#greenupdate #discord has already seen some of this but not the full scene #nor the fact that there's a choice involved. but that scene is a secret for now ;]#i figured everyone would be entertained by an unhinged tracker being let loose on a bunch of unsuspecting normies

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phoenix-downer · 3 months

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Survivors Chapter 3

Survivors: ~1050 words. Cal makes up his mind.

Story Info: Cal Kestis/Merrin. Set during Jedi: Survivor. Canon Compliant, Alternating POVs, Missing Scenes. Romance, Fluff, Introspection, Mutual Pining.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Jedha felt like home. Merrin never thought another place would once she’d left Dathomir, but she’d been proven wrong.

Or maybe it wasn’t the place so much as it was the people. Cal spoke of Force Echoes left by the inhabitants of a planet, their memories and feelings associated with particular places that remained long after they were gone. He could read them as easily as one might scan a Holomap for information.

And now Jedha had many such echoes for her. Many of them were related to Cere, the Anchorites, and now Eno Cordova and Bode as well. But the ones related to Cal, well…

They are in a league of their own.

He was currently looking out over the desert scenery unfolding below. The sky was the color of slate, and the desert at night was deceptively calm. She knew how many nocturnal animals were out and about right now, many of which would be very unpleasant to encounter without the proper preparation, but this spot was a safe little oasis. At last she and Cal could be alone together.

She casually strolled over and leaned against the rocky ledge next to him. Her life had taught her to never waste an opportunity, to leave nothing to chance. And something about tonight felt crucially important. She knew she must speak with him now or risk losing her chance forever.

“What a view, huh?” he said, acknowledging her presence at his side like it was completely natural. “Desert at night seems to stretch on forever.”

She took in the view with him. Jedha had a stark, majestic beauty of its own. The Sanctuary Temple and other buildings the Jedi Order had built long ago felt as much a part of the desert as the rocky bluffs, jagged spires, and windswept valleys. The solitude of this place helped her focus and made her path forward clear.

“There is beauty in emptiness,” she said.

He looked at her, and she returned his gaze. His expression was very earnest and unguarded and sincere, not at all the cool, aloof armor he’d tried so desperately to squeeze himself into. It had never fit him right, and so it felt good seeing Cal just be Cal. To see the man she loved unmasked, to know his real self beneath all the Jedi trappings.

“Now you sound like a Jedi,” he teased, and he sounded very amused by this fact.

“They got a few things right,” she conceded, responding with some teasing of her own. She turned around and casually leaned against the ledge, curious what he would say next.

“Hmm,” was his response, but a pleased little smile was on his face. In his defense, she had come a far way from the hatred of the Jedi she’d harbored in her heart when they had first met all those years ago.

“Even I can admit when they were right.” Her expression softened. “You showed me what a Jedi could and should be, Cal.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” was his soft response. “But they weren’t right about everything.”

It was funny how just a few words from him could change everything. She straightened, her lips parting as she searched his face. After all this time, was he finally going to give in? Was he finally going to stop being so maddeningly, infuriatingly restrained?

He ducked his head, as if his moment of braveness had temporarily fled him. Well, it was not a surprise. These things were very new to him, and she suspected he was fighting years of Jedi training right now. A battle much harder than many of the enemies he’d faced over the years, but one definitely worth fighting.

“Look, uh…” Summoning his courage, he met her eyes again, then rested a hand over hers. His hand was strong and calloused, shaped by years of gripping a lightsaber. And yet it was gentle and reassuring too.

Or perhaps he was seeking reassurance from her as much as he was offering it.

“The Order’s gone,” he said, his voice steady and even. “It’s time to leave it behind. And…I know what I want now.”

She smiled, her giddiness shining through. “Took you long enough.” Finally. He could finally be the kind of Jedi he wanted to be free from the fetters of the Jedi Order. It was not a decision she could have made for him—it was something he’d had to choose for himself. And he had chosen it. Her patience had paid off at long last.

He had not come to this decision lightly. She knew him too well to know this was anything but easy for him. And yet, he was choosing her. Of all the people in the galaxy, he wanted to be with her.

She wanted to be with him too.

Reaching towards him, she cupped his cheek, and he wrapped an arm around her in a way that made her heart race. He was not staying still this time. He was not keeping his hands at his sides or letting them awkwardly flail in the air so long as they were anywhere but around her. She liked this Cal very much, this Cal who did not stand there passively but reciprocated her affections.

She leaned in close for a quick peck, then pulled away a little to see what he would do. He initiated the next kiss, his free hand weaving into her hair. She deepened the kiss, and she was surprised but pleased at how unrestrained and eager he was in response. All the years of waiting for him to embrace his feelings, to embrace her, were at an end.

They were the only two people on this lonely desert bluff, bringing an end to the vast emptiness. There was beauty in the emptiness, but there was so much more beauty in filling that emptiness with good things. Wonderful things. Tonight was just the beginning.

Two survivors had found each other and were forging a way forward. She did not know why she and Cal were still alive when so many of their loved ones had passed. But they both knew they had to keep on living. To make the most of the time they had left.

And when she and Cal were together, they were home.

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A/N: Thank you for reading! I really enjoyed exploring Cal and Merrin's thoughts and feelings more as their romance unfolded during Jedi: Survivor. I hope you all enjoyed! Thank you for the likes and reblogs!

#jedi survivor #merrical #cal kestis #merrin #nightsister merrin #cal x merrin #cal/merrin #jedi survivor spoilers #star wars #phoenix writes #phoenix-downer #long post #canon compliant #romance #fluff #introspection #pining #mutual pining

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writteninthesewalls28 · 3 months

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Family

A story about a girl wanting to find out the truth

A/n: chapter six is hereeee

Warnings: character death

Milly’s POV:

This night made me realize, what for a good boyfriend Calum is. He didn’t ask once what happened, what these photos meant and why I was so sad about it. He just hugged me, comforted me and decided to do a movie night in our cozy bedroom with tons of cuddly blankets and scented candles. All of this made me feel like, I could fight the whole world, as long as Calum is by my side, I only need him to succeed in everything I want to do. But deep down, I knew, he deserves the truth about what exactly happened today, it didn’t feel right to simply not tell him.

"Cal?" I asked, voice very sleepy already.

"What’s up sweetie? Do you want more snacks? Are you cold?" My heart melted. He was the cutest.

"No, I just want to talk to you…" I took a deep breath. "You know, about today, what happened and all." He slowly shook his head, giving me a compassionate look.

"You don’t have to, I know it makes you uncomfortable." I don’t deserve his beautiful soul, he’s too good for me.

"I want to tell you, please let me." A little smile appeared on his lips and he wrapped his left arm around my shoulder, so I could lean into him, giving me a safe space and a good feeling.

"Okay, if that is what you want, I'll listen to every word you say." Before I could start, he added "and I'll promise you, I won’t get mad, judge you or do anything you don’t want me to do." He always knew how to give me a safe feeling and show me, I can be myself with him.

"Okay, so you already know about that house, right?" I was surprised how easy it was to talk to him about it. I didn’t feel the urge to start crying again or to just stop this conversation.

"Yeah, you said it was empty." I nodded.

"Well, I wasn’t completely honest with you, or with Lou and you." My voice slowly turned into a whisper, god knows why.

"It’s okay Honey, we can stop this if you want." Cal said again, noticing my hesitation immediately. For a moment I considered to stop talking, but it simply felt wrong.

"No, it’s okay. I can do it." Calum gave me a little smile and laid his other hand on my thigh. "So the door of the house was open and when I stepped in, I thought everything was completely empty… but after some time, I found these…" carefully handing him the 4 images I still held in my hands, he gave me a confused look.

"What are these?" He asked. I wasn’t strong enough to turn the image around myself so I just told him.

"Turn it around." He hesitated for a second. “Go on, turn the first one around." As he did what I told him to do, he let out a quiet gasp.

"Oh my god Milly, this must be really difficult for you." He said, giving me a quick kiss on the forehead. Seeing him caring so much about me and how things probably made me feel, gave me strength and courage to go on and search for more, even if I don’t exactly know from where to start at the moment. He’d be there for me.

"And I have one last thing I want to talk about with you." I then said. "What do you think? Would I find something if I would google their names Holly Mathilda Vacker and Arthur Vacker?" This idea was in my mind since the very beginning when the man at the office said them. Would I find something out this way, or is it absolutely useless?

Calum seemed to be quite unsure too.

"There is a chance of getting information, but I highly doubt it." He said, probably knowing he‘d crush my hopes with that.

"We can check the internet together if you don’t want to do it alone." He then added. I of course noticed the nervousness in his voice when he asked that, knowing I first asked him to let me do it alone. However, I still felt the same about this. This is a Milly-thing. I have to do it alone.

"Cal, I really appreciate your concern and the help you want to give me, but I feel like, I should still do it alone.." I said, hoping I didn’t hurt his feelings too much.

He smiled softly and nodded.

"Got it, don’t worry about it."

Cal’s POV:

He knew he promised her not to do anything without her consent, but he just wanted to make sure, she doesn’t get hurt when checking their names in the web. Thoughts like 'what if they are in jail?' Or 'what if one of them died' wandered through his mind and he definitely knew, Milly wouldn’t recover from finding something like that out. So when Milly finally fell asleep in his arms, he had to go against all boundaries and promises he ever made as a boyfriend, and google their names first, starting with Arthur Vacker, her biological father. Right when he typed the letters into the browser on his phone, his hands were shaking uncontrollably, hoping there won’t be any search results and he could go to sleep peacefully. Some people would call him toxic or overprotective, but Milly meant the world to him, if he’d see her go through so much pain even though there maybe would’ve been a way for him to protect her from that, he‘d never recover from that. Clicking the 'search' button caused his heart rate to go very high. Thank god the results that popped up didn’t look very worrying at the first sight. It only were articles about other people, not called Arthur Vacker, winning a price or getting a diploma. He scrolled down, happy that his thoughts only showed how much of a overthinker he was. A stupid overthinker who has read to many thriller books.

But then, it felt like all of the blood in his body froze to one large chunk of ice.

"Oh no…" he whispered, hopefully not waking her up. How should he ever be able to explain THIS to Milly? He clicked on the link to make sure the thing he saw right in front of his eyes was actually the truth. The bare and hurtful truth, Milly was searching for so desperately, but he'd do and give everything just so she'll never find it out. It was too painful for her.

Not believing his own eyes, he stared on the phone display. His phone showed an obituary, one that was made very lovingly and with lots of love. There is no doubt, the person who died, was so loved by their family. He carefully read the texts on it.

"We lost our son, husband and to-be father. Tragically and way too early Arthur Vacker, the most funny and amazing person we ever came across, left us, his family and friends alone. His short life, he spent fighting for justice and helping other people who were in need. We will forever remember him and the memories we made together with him."

There were clear tears in his eyes, on his cheeks and finally on his pajamas. This can’t be true, this simply can not be the truth.

But sadly, everything fitted perfectly, he died just 2 weeks before Milly was born, on October 6th 1993. And it sounds like he had been a lawyer as well, exactly like Milly now. Her mums name is listed under the obituary as well. How is it possible to feel like you knew someone without ever meeting them? Because this man reminded him of someone special, someone lying next to him right now. Milly seems shockingly similar to him, this unknown man.

So, apparently it is the shocking truth.

Milly’s biological dad, he is dead.

Of course Calum would try to hide this from Milly, if he could, he'd try and stop this whole search thing.

But deep down, he knew his girlfriend well enough, to know that she’s too stubborn, no one will ever convince her to stop. Especially because we are talking about something very important and life changing for her.

So all he could do, was to make sure to be with her whenever she could potentially find out about this, about her father’s death right before she was born. Her whole world will collapse in that moment, Calum knew that, so all he wants to do, is to be her supporter and to hold her together when the time has come.

#maddys fanfic

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starsscarmyceiling · 11 months

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Gimme some of that Clone Wars AU pls! Stirring the Sky

Hoooo ohhh man, Abby! The origin story to this one is actually pretty funny…and I know I’ve blathered on to you about my fics…BUT for everyone else…so a few months ago, an anon asked me if I had any sort of fic prompt ideas floating around in my head, which you can find here. And what do I do ofc??? Why, write out 5k worth of prompt ideas because a bitch over here can never stfu. And ONE of those ideas…I honestly got really attached to it and I was like…well oh NO I am going to have to write this, aren’t I?? It’s from the “Canonverse Divergent” section, I thought of this Clone Wars AU, and this is the original prompt I wrote:

“Clone Wars AU where Cal and Jaro are assigned to try and recruit the Nightsisters to try and get the upper hand in the war with Dooku (lol I wouldn’t say exactly a Dark Disciple route but that’s up to you). Merrin is voluntold (the opposite of volunteered) by Mother Talzin to try and become allies with the Jedi (they could have their own shady Nightsister ulterior motive going on as well), and Merrin reluctantly goes with the Jedi. And oooooooOoOooo wow the shenanigans that can ensue from that. (Merrin also has to try really hard not to lose her shit over leaving Dathomir for the first time in her life). I’d imagine a lot of frustrations from both parties. The clones mercilessly make fun of Cal and his Nightsister gf (but they also have to tell him what’s up). He thinks she’s unreasonably obtuse and rude, and she thinks he’s frustratingly smug/arrogant. Merrin could prove to be a definite asset in battle. Cal probably thinks it’s hawt 😳 OH NO SHE’S HOT SEE LOOK HOW WE GOT HERE WE LIKE TO HAVE FUN HERE.

Now suddenly she’s mysterious and complex, and he’s frustrated that he wants to know more. He’s actually the sweetest person she’s ever seen and she’s angry about it. She constantly has to check in with her sisters and it’s getting harder and harder to go behind his back or deny that she maybe might not hate him anymore she maybe even may want to smooch him WOAH who knows. They bond over feeling used in this war. Come on. You got it from here right?”

Soooo, YEAH…I gots a little too overindulgent in my thoughts and started writing THIS…but I am so very excited because it’s just the two of them being endlessly frustrated yet hotted up for each other at all times. All the clones ship it HARD. Merrin starts to grow attached to some of the clones that are very welcoming to her…actually fun fact…if you’ve read my fic “what’s grown between (surgery scars)” when Cal told Merrin about his clone trauma…I literally pulled what he was saying from this WIP…HEH…

ALSO, I honestly just want to live my best life and push forward my personal HC that I have of if Cal were older during order 66 or it never happened, him and Jaro would 100% have Jake and Holt energy from Brooklyn 99 agenda.

And I am so very excited to explore a lot of these themes that I’ve brought into my Merrical writing in a setting like this. Cal contemplating his feelings, his so naturally compassionate and empathetic spirit that wants to take care of everyone else before himself, and then someone like MERRIN steps into his life??? OOF I am gonna have some fun with this and the psychometric Jedi and space witch of it all. GOODNESS I am so excited for it.

AND SO…here is a long ass preview because I honestly didn’t know where to cut it off…Cal is answering a comm from their commander, Zand, on his and Jaro’s ship and well he may have sensed a presence while doing so…😏😏😏

When there was nothing there still, he turned once again to his original direction, but as soon as he did, there was a flash of green light and smoke, and suddenly, there was a figure there before him.

“There is no need to brandish weapons or administer threats Jedi,” she stated with her voice laced in malice, which ironically enough did feel like a bit of a threat.

Cal severely balked at this sudden interaction, “Who are you?”

The woman crossed her arms with still a severe expression on her face, “Does it matter? We are all just—unsettling to you anyway.”

His eyes narrowed as he put the pieces together in his head, “Were you—spying on me?”

Her expression changed to that of incredulity as she raised an eyebrow, “You left the door to your ship open.”

It was a bit shocking, her audacity as he bristled all over again, “Are you seriously blaming me for you trespassing onto my ship and listening in on my private conversation?”

This woman, who Cal only now after processing the last several moments did he start to take in her appearance, did give off such an intense energy in the force. Cal felt her ire, her disdain so much so that it almost made him feel dizzy.

A short breath escaped him as he shut off his lightsaber, and all she did was continue to glare at him. She was short statured with light gray skin and intense brown eyes. Her soft features on her face were adorned with tattoos that lined her forehead, her cheeks. And it was all coming to a head, feeling her emotions, his emotions of frustration, accost, but now he was also flustered, bewildered, and definitely anxious.

He hated to think, though it was sad, but true, that he thought she was astoundingly beautiful.

His mind tried to do a complete turnaround because that was very much besides the point, and he did his best to keep his mental shields up, having no idea what she was capable of as she finally continued to speak.

“Though Mother Talzin invited you here Jedi,” she said again with such derision to her words, “do not hold the false notion that you are in any way welcome.”

Cal almost wanted to laugh at her statement, his own ire stacking up again in his mind, and he actually welcomed it as it was much easier to process in the moment than anything else he was currently grappling with.

An exhale escaped his nostrils harshly as he kept up his glare, “Believe me,” he stated with his own contempt, clipping his lightsaber to his belt again, “I would like to get off this force forsaken planet as soon as possible.”

She tilted her head at him, seeming to descry in her own way, which caused the fringe of her silver blonde hair to slightly cascade into her eyes as they scanned over him. It made him—exceedingly uncomfortable for a multitude of reasons he really couldn’t dwell on at the moment.

“That is at least something we can agree on Jedi,” she uttered in a flatter tone than she had before, but still possessed an air of intolerance.

“I have a name you know. Don’t know how I’d get around the confusion of actually just going by the moniker of Jedi,” he stated in what was a mockery of her sardonic tone of voice.

She stood there still for several moments as she raised an eyebrow at him, which to him translated into some form of her being through with his banthashit.

“Jedi…the Jedi?” The Nightsister questioned with a genuine air of perplexment to her voice.

Honestly, once she said it out loud, Cal really wasn’t sure what he was even trying to accomplish. Was he trying to make a joke? Was he trying to be a smartass? Was he trying to break the tension? If Jaro was asked, he’d probably claim that Cal would try and accomplish all of the above.

“What, are you attempting to be clever or snide?” She asked as she began to take careful steps circumventing him, “Or just insulting? You think you can come to my home and disrespect me in such a way?”

Cal crossed his arms as he scoffed, “You’re the one who snuck onto my ship first, Nightsister.”

If she was going to address him in such a way he’d do it right back. He was feeling that petty.

Though, he very much resented himself when his mind flashed with the title ‘Nightsister, the Nightsister,’ and he had to hold back a stupid smirk.

She was temporarily out of his view, though he still felt her, always felt her as she too laughed humorlessly, “You are extremely full of yourself, aren’t you Jedi?”

The way she said it this time seemed to give off the same amount of snark he was emanating.

Cal waited until she was there in his vision again as he slightly upturned his chin to her.

“I bet you’d like to think so, wouldn’t you? Profile me, put me in a box of whatever your false perceptions of Jedi are,” Cal almost barked at her. Force, he didn’t even remember the last time he’d been so irritated with a person.

“And you are not doing the same to me? Making your own assumptions and insulting something you don’t even understand.”

Another scoff was in his throat, “Yeah, and let’s still not forget how you acquired such information from me.”

Her glare was fierce again as the disparagement was almost palpable on her face now, “I only was scoping out the situation because I have my people’s interest in mind.”

Cal realized he was flexing his arms now as they were still crossed over his chest out of sheer frustration, “You could have just asked me you know; I would have been more than willing to speak with you about any such matters that occur with my order.”

“And how was I to know this? All I have heard about Jedi is that they are liars and selfish thieves!” She exclaimed.

Again. He was taken such aback again at the gull.

“And where in the hell did you hear that? A Separatist the people The Republic is trying to stand against?” He said, but then he already had another retort on his tongue, “And for that matter, we were the ones that were invited here and ever since we arrived, all we have gotten from you is blatant disdain when we hadn’t even done anything!”

“None of us wanted you here!”

“That’s not my problem! Don’t take your misplaced frustration out on me!”

His statement seemed to give her pause, and Cal hadn’t even realized that they’d somehow managed to step closer and closer to one another in this skirmish and were definitely in one another’s personal space.

Kriff, how did I end up here?

Her eyes were narrowed up at him as he still found that anger, but he also cornered something else in them that was not easy to place.

“You should have never come to Dathomir Jedi,” she admonished in a strained tone.

A short sigh fell out of his mouth.

“Cal.”

For the first time, he found actual confusion on her countenance, “What?”

“Cal, my name is Cal Kestis, not Jedi. Again, I don’t go by Jedi the Jedi.”

Honestly, he wasn’t exactly sure why he said it. At this point he recognized they were both being assholes to each other.

Her eyes were all over him again though as she leaned back to cross her arms, “Do you think you are exceedingly hilarious, Cal?”

He didn’t know what it was. The concept of his nomenclature was always simple, straightforward concept in his mind, but there was something in the way that she said it, the timbre of her voice, that drove him insane.

And that sort of insanity seemed to have many faces right now, many of which were irritation.

Still, he crossed his arms all the same, “I am starting up my own comedy tour, actually.”

And never in his life, as he was already trying to convince himself that it wasn’t true, had he ever been so…aroused by the utterance of his own name.

This…he needed to get himself out of this situation now.

Her eyes scanned him again, “I do not find your antics the least bit entertaining.”

“Well, I guess I won’t be reserving the cranky Nightsister a seat, now will I?”

A narrowed gaze in his direction now. And he wasn’t sure how he felt—about being under her scrutiny.

“You are extremely arrogant and insolent,” she declared, her eyes still fierce, “but it is not as if that really matters, Cal.”

He was very much resenting the shiver that was sent down his spine.

SOOO YEH, hope you guys are as excited for this one as I am!!! I literally think these two don't even have the ability to be around one another and NOT be super horni right off the bat for each other haha.

SHENANIGANSSSS

#we like to have fun here #STOOPIDS #fanfic #my fanfic #merrical fanfic #sts #ask #merrical #wip title game

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dollfaceksj · 5 months

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I genuinely felt everything that y/n said. Even though I'm not a mother, I'm 100% sure all of us felt like that at some point if not all the time.

I never speak about this ever, but I've always struggled with my weight ever since I was a little girl, I wasn't even a tiny baby, I was just over 4 kg which usually isn't considered to be small for a baby. And I've never been thin ever in my life from then, right until now and I can truthfully say that sadly, most of the time (or in my case), your family is usually your biggest bully. Girls generally grow up always having to hear people comment on their weight, and it's sad that we have people body shaming us as literal CHILDREN. No child or person should ever have to experience something like that. And because I've constantly had people pick on my weight and make jokes about it, it became a fear of mine to even have someone comment on their own weight in front of me because I immediately think that they're gonna say something about me and I try my best to never engage in those conversations with them or I try to change the topic because I'm always so afraid. It became so bad that I actually avoid even going to see a doctor for something as common as a cold or flu, because I'm always scared that they're going to tell me something about my weight or that they will weigh me. I don't even like meeting people that I haven't seen in a long time because I'm afraid of what they're going to say. Both my siblings are also extremely skinny so I always questioned myself as a child and I still do. This developed into such a huge fear for me that I associate it with every single thing that goes wrong in my life. This has and will always be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in life, even if i finally manage to lose weight some day, because it's caused so much of damage to me already that I already know that even if it does stop one day, it's still going to be apart of my story as the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Especially when you keep everything bottled up inside because I could never find the courage to ever speak up about this. It's so sad when it isn't even something you have control over, if we did every single woman and man on this earth would have ideal bodies and faces and everything that we want. But I've come to realize that no one is ever happy with the way they look, we're all human beings and we all have flaws, we just have to realize that we are all beautiful in our own way and that what other people think of us should never matter.

So I really understood y/n so much when he asked her why she couldn't just speak to him about it instead of hiding, cause I know exactly how she feels, it's not something you can just speak about openly because there's sooo much shame that comes with it even though it shouldn't be that way. It's like you're constantly embarrassed about these things even when it's not our fault.

This update of cal really hits very hard because it's a sensitive topic and you portrayed it so well Clover🥺

I'm so glad I found your account when you first started writing cal. And I'm so glad that we get to interact with you.

I know that i dont know you personally, but i know that you're not only an amazing author but you're an even better person ❤️ Thank you for always trying your best to interact with us, you truly are my favourite.

And if you ever struggle with these feelings as well, just remember that you are so beautiful and sooo loved Clover💜

Ilysm :) ♡

you worded it perfectly! i hope it gets easier as you go on because i agree, it is the most difficult thing i’ve had to live with as well so i 100% know what you’re on about.

i struggled with the same things all my life until i started losing weight. the difference in the way people treat you (and yes, even family!) is nauseating. they’re a lot nicer to me now that i fall into the beauty standard. it’s such a slap to the face and really makes me mourn the me that once was because she didn’t deserve any of that

so when i took on the idea to write yn as a mother, i knew i couldn’t brush over the one thing so many mothers struggle with. i’m not a mom but i’m surrounded by them! and as someone who has lost a lot of weight, these are things i relate to (minus the baby lol)

craving validation, affection and love isn’t wrong, never will be. how you go about it is definitely a debatable topic but i still think people who have never gone through this specific thing will also just never understand. they will never understand how it is just embarrassing to admit that you feel this way sometimes. it’s embarrassing to have to tell others that someone else made fun of your body, it’s embarrassing to have to tell others that the clothes they got you don’t fit, it’s embarrassing to admit that the world puts majority of your worth into how you look.

these things combined with isolation and years of self hatred make you do stupid things, things you regret. i wanted to portray that without painting yn out to be the villain, because wholeheartedly, she’s not. i feel like people who were upset at yn even after seeing the world through her eyes have just never experienced it. not approving of her actions does not mean we can’t understand. learn. have empathy. it’s just another example that people don’t take mental health seriously

society is not easy on people and their appearance, especially women and afab ppl.

so it’s okay if you’re still struggling with it. how can you learn to uplift yourself overnight when the world is still treating bigger people like a disease or less worthy? not deserving of respect?

i hope you continue living life to the fullest and always be happy with yourself, cause if you aren’t, who will be?

love, clover

#clover over #cal | myg: discuss

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jinmukangwrites · 9 months

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Weep little lion man (9.5/14)

First - Previous - Next

Fandom: Jedi: Fallen Order / Survivor Rating: T Warnings: N/A Ao3 Notes: next chapter is officially the beginning of the endgame. Thank you everyone who has joined me for this story. This is the final .5 chapter.

Summary: After defeating Dagan Gera for a third and final time, the Compass ends up in Bode's hands without a scratch. He could go back to Jedha with Cal... but he's holding what he wants. He doesn't see the point in pretending any longer. He makes a split-second decision. Or: Bode's betrayal goes a bit differently.

-o0o-

Never in Merrin's life has she been so glad to have so many friends willing to take charge. So many friends that knew how to make quick and effective plans on the fly; allowing her to set her mind on autopilot and simply do as Cere or Cordova tells her to.

They can worry about the specifics, the details, the intricate strands of unwoven tapestries, and she can just work.

"Merrin, can you help find Zee a way up this cliff?"

"Merrin, I need assistance moving some equipment from the smuggler tunnels."

"Hey witch, keep an eye on Caij for me, will you?"

She does everything anybody (except Caij, though the questionable woman never requests anything anyways) asks, because she's happy to help and she's a creature of action. Having a set of instructions and a task at hand helps her keep useful and productive even though she's no good at knowing the history of ancient Jedi civilizations, nor is she much of a use for putting together technology which will make it possible to traverse an un-traversable and chaotic plume of abyss in space.

She at least also got to protect Rambler's Reach from vengeful raiders and even the occasional troupe of Imperial invaders. She knew that she could do the leg-work, she enjoys the leg work. She had spent so long alone on Dathomir, desperately trying to cling to control as the forces of the universe did everything in its power to rip it away from her. Finding Cal... all those years ago... It gave her a greater purpose other than control. He helped her move on and focus on doing something. Let someone else be in charge, let the legacy of her sisters and mother not weigh her down so hard.

Helping Cere and Zee explore old Jedi chambers and temples, helping Cordova build a way to track through the abyss, even just keeping Caij in her sights, it made her feel like she was helping build progress on finally rescuing Cal and figuring out what exactly Bode's problem was. Singe the hairs of his eyebrows while she's at it.

Once Cere found a breakthrough in the mysterious Arrays, once Cordova managed to find a weak and unstable signal on Cal, Merrin couldn't help but think it took the Galaxy long enough to turn in their favor.

"So what's the plan?" She asks, folding her arms across her chest as Cere explains that activating the final Array just outside the Reach would make a temporary safe path through the abyss.

"Merrin, you'll get Zee to the array," Cere explains, her face calm but her voice twinging with undisguisable excitement. "Activate it, and join us on the Mantis. We should have just enough time to fly through the abyss, and with Master Cordova's work on the bounty puck, we'll know where to find Cal."

"Well," Caij says, leaning against the center console of the Mantis, Merrin narrows her eyes at the 'former' bounty hunter. "What are we waiting for?"

-o-o-o-o-

Getting Zee into the final array and getting herself back onto the Mantis was... concerningly uneventful. She thinks most people would celebrate things going easy, but things never went something as simple as easy when involving Cal. Too many things going exactly as planned couldn't mean anything good. Luck and karma didn't work that way for her family.

She kept her worries to herself, however, because if she were asked what was worrying her she wouldn't even be able to explain it. The Mantis hummed perfectly as ever as Greez lifted the old thing up and toward the Koboh atmosphere. The seats were comfortable. BD didn't leak oil. The array stayed lit like a beacon. Caij didn't suddenly get yellow eyes and cut down her family.

Geez punches it towards the triangle puncture going through the abyss, hands only shaking a little, but pure determination kept his flying steady. Silence filtered around the crew (and Caij) as star speckled black space turned into swirls of pink, purple, and blue. It looks like something only a child could draw with those glitter markers she saw once on Coruscant. It feels like flying into the heart of a supernova.

That feeling of something about to go wrong lingers. She can barely restrain herself from fidgeting as she stands behind Geez's pilot chair. She forces herself to look dead ahead at the carved path before them, a squeezing sensation wrapping around her heart.

"The path is getting thinner," Cere says, and Merrin closes her eyes for just a moment to breathe.

The array is shutting itself off, and they're already too far in to turn back. They need to go faster, onward, or they'll lose themselves here.

Cere grabs onto the hyperspace controls, ignores Geez's panicked shouting, and closes her eyes.

Something has finally made itself complicated; and while it seems Cere is about to initiate a solution, Merrin can't help but find a little comfort in the tides turning into currents. Deep down, she knows this will only be the first of many problems, but at least now it's familiar.

"Now!" Cere shouts, mostly to herself, and flicks the switch.

Geez screams, Caij swears, Cordova calmly breathes a visible breath, BD clutches into Merrin's shoulder, and Cere looks dead ahead at the streaks of hyperspace. Merrin... Merrin doesn't know what she does. Everything gets so loud and so real in her brain where if her physical body does anything, it wasn't her consciously controlling it.

She trusts Cere, but she doesn't trust fate. They'll get through this, but whatever is waiting on the other side is promised to be a thousand times worse.

Hold on, Cal, her brain desperately screams, it's almost over.

-o-o-o-o-

With a flash, the empty space above Koboh suddenly finds itself filled.

The pilot, sitting alone within the cockpit that used to belong to his father, frowns beneath his helmet as the signal he had just been tracking suddenly disappears.

He reaches for the puck, moving his gauntleted hands over the small FOB and checking to see if there's a loose wire or something else as temporarily inconvenient. He can't find anything wrong with the tool, which means something else had caused the signal to suddenly disconnect.

A flash of light, and he blinks ahead at a strange cluster of space dust that's settled itself as near to the planet as a moon would. Three beams of light tear through the center of the plumage, though one is in the process of going out.

The bounty hunter glances back at the tracking puck and quickly checks the last known coordinates of his target. He's almost not surprised that they point him directly towards the mysterious abyss.

The third beam gives a final, violent shudder, then flickers out in a blaze of glory. Whatever path it has carved, it's gone now, and so is Caij Vanda.

Only at a slight loss, he bites his lip and looks down at Koboh. He can't give up on his target, not quite yet, and perhaps wherever that broken beam had come from, there will also be someone who knows what the point of it was, and if his target is dead or not.

He has enough of a reputation that simply confirming a death will get most contractors good faith. He can still get paid here, and then he can move on to other bounties with no sleep lost. Bigger bounties, maybe that red-hot one the Empire just tripled.

Turning Slave 1 towards Koboh, Boba Fett makes preparations for landing.

#cal kestis #bode akuna #merrin #nightsister merrin #jedi fallen order #jedi survivor #star wars jedi fallen order #star wars jedi survivor #jin writes #fanfiction

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goosewriting · 5 months

Text

Across the Galaxy and Beyond

summary: some time after the Mantis crew split apart, Cal has an unexpected reunion with reader on Koboh

relationship: Cal Kestis x gn!reader

warnings: spoilers for Jedi Survivor, vague-ish mention of events from the Battle Scars book but i don't think it counts as a spoiler, hurt & comfort, flashbacks, kissing

word count: 8.9k 👀💧 ...i am unwell about this man what can i say

A/N: started writing this when i first started jedi survivor, and finally got around to finishing it now that i finished reading battle scars and the cal kestis brainworms are attacking me again. story doesn't follow the game exactly. also this could be read as a separate story from my wherever you go, i go trilogy, but i like to think it's the same reader and timeline lol so go read that if you haven't c:

Navigation: Part 1 (you’re here!) | Part 2 (wip)

(english is not my first language. constructive criticism and grammar corrections are very appreciated!)

— — — Part 1: Just like old times

After Cal's escape from Coruscant, the Mantis was pretty shredded. The main problem was the gyro, but upon entering Koboh's atmosphere, all systems started failing and the Jedi had to make an emergency landing somewhere on some cliffs.

It took a lot of climbing and wall-jumping and fighting the aggressive local fauna, but after a couple of hours, Cal and BD finally made it to the outpost where Greez' cantina was located. On the way there he also encountered bandits who called themselves the Bedlam Raiders, as well as old Separatists battleships and battle droids, of all things. Just what has Greez got himself into?, Cal thinks to himself after saving a local from Rayvis, the leader of the Raiders, and outing himself as a Jedi in the process.

When Cal and BD finally enter Pyloon's Saloon, they meet with Greez. Since the Raiders have just been at the saloon (and the place doesn't look all too inviting either), there are no customers, so Cal and Greez catch up at the bar. The Latero is extremely happy to see the boy and his droid in one piece after all this time. Over a drink, the redhead tells him about the last job on Coruscant gone wrong, how only two of them made it out. He expresses his frustration, how the Empire is only growing stronger and everything he does feels pointless. Things haven't been easy since the Mantis crew split up.

After catching up a little, Greez tells Cal that he has some spare parts and will take care of the ship. He'll send someone to bring the ship to the landing dock behind the saloon. In the meantime, he should take a breather and explore the outpost. Cal doesn't like feeling like he's wasting time, but with the state the Mantis is in, there really isn't much else he can do.

The Latero shows him the room in the basement, telling Cal he can stay as long as he needs. Greez wasn't kidding when he said he had a room just for Cal: there was a meditation area in the middle of the round room, and even his old clothes and some unfinished tech projects were all stashed away in a big chest.

They both sit down on the edge of the bed, and it doesn't take long for the conversation to take a direction Cal doesn't like. Not because what Greez is saying is wrong; on the contrary, he's probably right, but the redhead doesn't want to hear it. Not right now. Greez, in a genuinely concerned tone, goes on about how the game is rigged and Cal should walk away while he can, maybe even settle down somewhere. Cal lashes out for a moment, claiming someone has to keep fighting.

— — —

You approach the stable in the outpost riding on your nekko, humming a happy tune to yourself. You're lost in thought, letting your trusty mount walk the last stretch to the stalls by himself, as he knew the way. Once you reach the structure, you get off and start putting away your haul; you just came from a successful hunt. You'd skin and prepare everything later though, so you pack the preys away in special boxes where everything would be preserved for a couple of days.

“Hello master,” a robotic yet chirpy voice greets you.

You turn around with a smile, facing the Separatist battle droid you had found and reprogrammed to help you out at the stable.

“Hey there, Connor,” you greet back. You've told him several times not to call you that, but he insisted, saying you saved him and now his purpose was to serve you. You take a moment to inspect his blue and black markings that have started chipping more noticeably; maybe it's time for a new paint job.

“Did I miss anything while I was gone?” you ask, taking the saddle off your nekko and placing it onto the designated wooden beam.

“Yes, in fact,” Connor replies, placing new food and clean water in the trough. “There's a ship on the landing pad behind the saloon that I've never seen before.”

“Is that so? What kinda ship?”

“A modified S-161 Stinger, and it's pretty busted up. I'm surprised it even made it this far.”

You stop in your tracks, your grip tightening around the halter you just took off the nekko, which is now happily munching away on its fresh feed.

“Interesting,” you remark, putting the rest of the equipment away and turning around to face the droid. Since you spent most of the day down in some caves, you didn't see or hear anything. “Do you know who was on board?”

“I didn't see who came off the ship, but I overheard some prospectors talk about a newcomer that went one on one with Rayvis,” Connor comments, then leans in closer to you, looking around as if to make sure no one would be listening in on your conversations, when it's clearly just the two of you at the stable. “I also heard Turgle mentioning a Jedi being seen around here.”

“Huh,” is all you manage to say, feeling your heart pounding in your chest. There was no way he was here, right? After all this time? As far as you know, he doesn't even know you're here. So if it is him, he isn't here to see you, but Greez instead. It's probably because of the Mantis; Cal is in need of repairs. This thought immediately replaces the initial anticipation with a strange, cold feeling.

“Can you believe it?” Connor goes on. “I've never even seen a Jedi. I would love to meet them.”

You take a long look at the droid, remembering the state you had found him in. He had never been in the war, actually. He spent several years in an abandoned Separatist camp, never even getting to be activated. So he only knew his programming: serve the Separatists, fight the clones and kill the Jedi. Yet he had never lived any of it. Reprogramming him had been easy in that regard, as his memory banks were mostly blank. Back then you were looking for a droid companion to help you out at the stables, and even though you know what battle droids mean to the Jedi, you can't help but think that they are kinda cute. The B1 models, at least. The B2 series and commandos are pretty scary.

So you gave your new friend a name (you couldn't decide between Hank and Connor, but decided to go with the latter as it somehow suited his demeanour better) and a new purpose in life, and he seems content with that. The only fighting program you left in him is for defending the stable and nekkos. First and foremost it is his mission that they are not harmed. You also ordered him not to leave the outpost, for his own safety. You don't want the raiders to find him and get access to his memory bank. They would use the information against all of you at the outpost, and either scrap him or reprogram him to join the raiders. Once they were dealt with, however, you promised Connor you would take him around Koboh first, then show him the galaxy.

“I'm going to the saloon,” you announce. “Can you take care of the rest?”

“Roger roger!” Connor replies with a salute, getting to work.

You find yourself smoothing out your clothes and hair as you make the short trip to the saloon. When you reach the bar you're met with Monk, the witty bartender droid. He greets you with a happy tone and some strange phrase that you don't entirely understand, as he always does. You ask for Greez, and he points towards the door to the side, saying he's in the basement with some old friend of his that just dropped by.

With a gulp and a forced smile, you thank him and head down the stairs. The urge to turn on your heel and run away grows with every step. As you're about to reach the door, you hear voices coming from the other side.

“-to be something more than a lightsaber.” That's Greez, you think. He sounds… sad? “Think of yourself. Settle down, find a home.”

“What home, Greez?” You swear your heart actually stops beating and accelerates at the same time when you hear the voice, his voice. “There is no home. Home was the Order. It was my teacher.”

You've stopped a couple steps away from the door so it wouldn't open and have you interrupt the conversation, but you involuntarily lean forward to hear better what Cal says next.

“It was everyone I lost… Home was the Mantis with you, Cere, Merrin, and–”

The automatic door whooshes open and Cal and Greez turn their heads towards you as they stand up from the bed they were sitting on.

“I- I didn't mean to eavesdrop,” you sheepishly state after a moment of uncomfortable silence from everyone, approaching him but staying at a distance. “Hey, Cal. It's been a while.”

“Yeah, it has,” he retorts, and you can't really read the tone of his voice.

You look each other up and down, taking in how different you both look since… Since the last time you saw each other. Since you split up.

A thousand thoughts go through your head, and a thousand different feelings resurface, making your heart tighten in your chest, like there isn't enough space for everything it's trying to process.

Greez can't take the tension anymore, so he clears his throat loudly.

“Lemme show you something, Cal,” the Latero says as he walks towards a panel on the far side of the room. He presses a couple of buttons and a section of the wall slides open with a creak, revealing a path behind it. “This is an old smuggler's tunnel, you'll find spare parts in there. Just… be careful, I have a pest problem.”

With that, Greez walks by both of you, giving your arm an encouraging pat, before leaving the room. It's just you and Cal now.

“Spare parts?” you ask, trying to make some conversation. “For the Mantis, I take it?”

“Yeah,” Cal replies, looking at the tunnel entrance but not moving from where he stands. “Gyro's fried.”

You two stand there in silence, and you want to smack yourself in the face. You feel like an awkward 12-year-old all over again, not knowing how to talk to your cr– You stop your train of thought before you dare finish that sentence and potentially embarrass yourself further. The heat on your cheeks that refuses to leave your face since you've laid eyes on the Jedi can't possibly have gone unnoticed by him.

“You know, Greez has had this room set up for you for quite a while,” you tell Cal, shooting him a quick smile. “So I take it you'll be staying for a while, right? The Mantis isn't going anywhere.”

Cal shrugs and shoots you a quick, unsure glance, then casts his eyes back down, scratching the back of his neck.

“I was just about to head out,” you lie. Your plan for the evening was to have a drink at the bar and unwind, but him being here changes everything. “You could join me and I'll show you around if you'd like…”

Cal looks at the tunnel again, weighing the options in his mind. One is going down there to fix the Mantis as soon as possible, then taking off to who knows where. The other… you're not so sure. And if you're being honest with yourself, you're too scared to ask.

“Sure, why not,” he finally agrees with a sigh and starts walking towards the door that directly leads outside from the basement, but you feel like something, or rather someone, is missing. You look around the room, scanning your surroundings for a certain droid, then turn back to Cal.

“W-Where's BD?” you ask, fearing the worst. You'd really hate it if something happened to him.

“Oh, he wandered off somewhere earlier,” Cal says and you release a breath of relief. After calling for him, the little droid comes hopping down the stairs and into the room.

“BD!” you greet the little companion, and he excitedly beeps at your reunion. He comes running towards you and you pick him up in a hug.

“Oh, how I've missed you,” you spin him around a couple of times, then set him back down onto the floor. “I have a droid of my own now, but you're still the cutest. Don't tell him, though,” you add with a wink.

“You have a droid?” Cal asks as BD climbs onto his back and you all make your way out.

“Yeah, he helps me out at the stable,” you explain, pointing at the building as you reach the end of the stairs. The stable is practically behind the saloon. From these stairs it's a very short trek to reach the paddocks.

“Those are nekkos, right?” Cal questions, approaching the fence and looking at the two animals chilling in the sun. “I met Mosey earlier. She said she worked at the stable,” he turns around to look at you. “But she didn't mention you.”

You're about to retort by saying she couldn't have possibly known that you two knew each other, but you're interrupted by a chirpy voice.

“Master! You're back already?”

At the sound of the familiar robotic voice, Cal instinctively draws his lightsaber, and turns towards the side entrance to the stable. You hurry to get between your droid and the Jedi; you don't want to see Connor get sliced today. Not by him. Said droid peeks out from behind the archway, and BD beeps repeatedly, alarmed.

“Wait!” you exclaim, holding your hands up into the air defensively. “That's my droid!”

“Your- Your droid?” Cal repeats, clearly confused. He puts away his weapon nonetheless.

“He's reprogrammed, and he's never even been in the war,” you explain, walking backwards as Cal starts approaching the stable to inspect the battle droid further, with you still between them. “He was never even activated. He's good, I promise!”

“Master, who's this?” Connor asks, walking back into the stable to make room for Cal and you. “Is he bothering you?” The droid activates the blaster you had built into one of his arms, and Cal's hand goes to the hilt of his sabre again, while BD beeps in exasperation.

“No, stand down!” you order, and the blaster immediately turns off with a whirr. “Will everyone please calm down?”

Still standing between Cal and the battle droid, you let out a huff, looking from one to the other.

“Cal, BD; this is Connor, my droid,” you start introducing them. “My good and reprogrammed droid, whose mission is to protect the stable and the nekkos, nothing more.”

Cal seems unimpressed, still looking at Connor with narrowed eyes. You turn to the droid.

“Connor; these are Cal and BD,” you start. “And you know what? Cal here–” You look at Connor with raised brows and lower your voice. “–is a Jedi.”

Connor brings his hands up to where his mouth would be, gasping in surprise.

“You- You are?” he asks, quickly going around you to take Cal's hand and shaking it vigorously. “It's such an honour! I've always wanted to meet a Jedi!”

“So you could get up all close and stab me in the back?” Cal retorts, his voice laced with uncharacteristic venom, and pulls his hand from the droid's grasp.

“What? No, I–” Connor starts but you push him to the side a bit.

“It's okay, Connor. He'll warm up to you, eventually,” you comfort him. “Please go get the nekkos ready for us?”

You've never heard a sadder 'roger roger' in your life and it sends a sting of pain through your chest.

While the droid goes to prepare your mounts, you turn around to Cal and frown at him. He crosses his arms in front of his chest defensively.

“Why would you say something like that? He's genuinely excited to meet you,” you explain. “When was the last time someone was actually happy to see a Jedi, hm?”

“Not a battle droid, that's for sure,” Cal retorts with a huff.

You look up at him for a moment, holding his rather cold gaze. You wonder just what happened these past few years that had him like this. Sure, you understand why he isn't a fan of battle droids. Normally you aren't either. But there's just something about Cal that's… different. He looks older, but it might just be the beard. He also looks more tired, carries himself differently. With confidence like he always did, but also in a “don't mess with me” way that wasn't there before. Gone is the spark in his eyes, that glimmer of optimism and hope, replaced by the promise of not holding back if anyone were to cross him.

For several moments, you just look at each other, and you're sure he's analysing you just as you are him, and you wonder what is going through his head.

“The nekkos are ready,” Connor announces, leading both of them out of their respective stalls by the reins.

You allow the animals to sniff Cal and inspect him, while you give a short explanation on how to ride and guide them. Cal's mount is white with a dark face and legs, while yours is a dark purple and brown. After thanking Connor and waving him goodbye, you both hop onto the saddle and head out of the outpost. You know your way around, taking a route that would keep you hidden from the patrols, both the imperial ones as well as the raiders. You'd much rather deal with the local fauna. And you do come across a couple of rawkas at the river, and a pack of gorgers when heading further up the Southern Reach. But you two make quick work of them.

In fact, Cal has grown stronger, and not only that, but he also has a new array of weapons it seems; now he double-wields his lightsabers, and he also has a blaster, which completely takes you by surprise.

Once you reach the base of the big silo, you get off your nekkos and climb the rest by foot, getting on top of the structure and sitting at the edge. It's not a super well-hidden spot; if the patrols under you decide to look up they would definitely see you, but it's a good vantage point to show Cal the different places. You point towards the landmarks, explaining them to him so he can orient himself and navigate beyond the outpost. You tell him about the caverns, the mines, to look out for different patrols and what areas to avoid; be it because of the raiders, like fort Kha'lin, or because of bigger fauna like bilemaws, goroccos and mogus. Especially mogus. They are fierce.

Once you're done with your explanation, you lean back onto your hands with a sigh. Cal attentively listened to everything, but he doesn't seem interested in keeping the conversation going, as he hasn't said anything.

He's looking out, scanning this corner of Koboh as far as he could see from here, taking in the view and probably trying to commit to memory everything you've said. You look at him from the corner of your eyes, your gaze falling onto the holster on his hip.

“So,” you try starting the conversation again. “You now double-wield and you have a blaster. Which, by the way, is pretty uncharacteristic for a Jedi, no?”

“A lot has changed, I guess,” is all you get out of him.

“Do you have any other new tricks?” you ask, and the memory of him re-discovering his Master's lessons after his escape from Bracca comes back to you, making you smile fondly to yourself for a moment.

“Hmm,” Cal thinks aloud, also leaning back and finally tearing his eyes from the landscape to look at you. “There aren't any new Force-tricks, if that's what you mean. But I do have this.”

He brings one of his arms up, showing you the contraption on his brace.

“Grappling hook. Comes in pretty handy,” he explains, showing you some of the mechanisms. Your hands reach up to gently hold his wrist, so you can inspect the device better, and you could have sworn you heard his breath hitch at the contact. At that moment, you realise that's the first physical interaction you've had since he arrived, and you quickly let go.

“We should head back,” you say as you stand up, dusting off your legs. “It will get dark soon, plus you must be hungry. I know I am.”

“Yeah, I could eat,” Cal replies, getting up to his feet as well, and BD beeps in agreement.

Cal climbs down the silo first, while you scan the area one last time for any patrols. When it's your turn, just as you're almost at the base of the rather unstable ladder, your foot slips and you lose your balance. You hold onto the next best thing, which happens to be Cal. Seeing you're about to fall, his arm reaches around you and he pulls you towards him while with the other hand he tightly holds onto the railing that goes along the walls of the structure.

“You okay?” he asks, and when you look up at him this time, you're finally met with a pair of eyes that you recognise. There's concern in his gaze but also a certain warmth, amused at how you were a fierce warrior yet managed to be clumsy in small things like these. He found it cute, which you knew for a fact because he would tell you often, back then…

“Y-Yeah, thanks,” you mutter, separating yourself from him now that you're back safe on the ground. Feeling the heat spreading on your face, you can't help a sheepish smile. “Guess some things never change, heh.”

“Guess not,” Cal says with a small smile of his own, and your chest tightens at the sight.

The ride back to the Outpost is silent, and you wonder if his body is also reacting as strongly as yours; ever since slipping, your skin feels like it's tingling, and your heart hasn't calmed down in the slightest.

Once you're back at the stable and the nekkos have been taken care of, Connor mentions that Greez left some food for you, and hands you several small containers wrapped with a cloth.

“You wanna eat at my place?” you find yourself asking Cal, who's scratching behind the nekko's ear. He turns around to you with raised eyebrows in what you assume to be a surprised expression, but he's quick to relax his face back to normal.

“I have a room behind Doma's shop,” you explain, holding up the food in your hands and you gesture to it with your chin. “And Greez knows this is far too much food for myself.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Cal replies, calling BD back to him, who was scanning some stable equipment. “Let me help you with that.”

Cal takes the food off your hands, and you say your goodbyes to Connor, who stays at the stable. It's a quick trip past the saloon's entrance into Doma's shop. She's behind the counter organising some of her merchandise, and returns your “hello” from afar without looking. Only when she hears Cal's greeting does she turn around. She shoots you a look and you know exactly what she means, heat prickling again at your cheeks. You give a curt shake of your head, quickening the pace to evade Doma's questioning, heading for the door at the back that leads to the place you have been calling home for the last year.

It isn't much, but it makes do: one big room, that's both kitchen and a living space, with two doors at the far side that lead to a small bedroom and the refresher. The main room is decorated, you like to think it's warm, cosy and inviting. You even managed to thrift an old couch somewhere, refurbished it yourself, and it now essentially serves as the centrepiece of the room. There are several rugs on the floor, as well as piles of pelts and leather in the corner that you still have to finish working on so you could sell them. These days that's your main source of income.

Cal stands at the door for a moment, taking everything in, and you suddenly feel very self-conscious. The space is clean, but the fact that you can't read his face makes you a little nervous. To distract yourself, you take the food from him, bringing it to the kitchen counter.

“I think the food is still warm,” you say as you start opening the containers, the delicious smell filling both your noses. “Do you mind setting the table?”

Cal and you make quick work of getting everything plated and grabbing some drinks, then sitting down in front of each other at the wooden table to eat. You make some light conversation between bites, catching each other up on what has been going on in your lives recently. He tells you about some of the missions he's been on ever since the Mantis crew split up, and you tell him of your own solo adventures before you came to Koboh.

When the plates are empty, your bellies full, and the conversation is about to die down, you ask if you can check out Cal's lightsabre. He unclips it from his belt to hand it to you, and you catch yourself being relieved at the fact he still trusts you enough to just give his sacred weapon to you without further inquiry.

He's changed some parts and the materials, and you hold the device in your hands with the utmost care, admiring the beautiful design and intricate markings on the wooden accents. Rather suddenly, a feeling of regret and shame spreads out in your chest, thinking about how not only this sabre but also Cal himself went through so many changes, and you hadn't been there for any of it. There's so much you want to tell him, about how sad you are that you weren't there for him, about how sorry you are with the way you left, about how you've been thinking of and missing him every single day. But telling him that wouldn't be fair. You have no right to be selfish like that.

“So what exactly happened that got the Mantis in such a state?” you decide to ask instead, reaching the lightsabre over the table to give it back. Cal takes it with a deep sigh, putting it back to his belt, feeling immediately comforted by its familiar weight.

“A job on Coruscant that went… wrong,” he starts, telling you how his team was gathering intel for Saw Guerrera, and it had all worked out until the very last moment, where everything went wrong, and he lost his whole crew in an instant. Only him and another person made it out of there. In fact, one of his crew members saved his life by pushing him out of the way and taking the blaster shot herself instead.

You listen intently, and your heart grows heavier by the second; you can hear the frustration in his voice, the voice of a man who's this close to giving up entirely, because he's just so tired, but he can't. He won't. You know Cal took it upon himself to fight the Empire by himself if he has to. A trait you genuinely admire but also despise. After all, that was one of the reasons you left.

Then he mentions the Ninth Sister, and your attention is fully back to what he's saying.

“I tried to get through to her, I really did,” Cal says, his voice cracking for a second. “But she wouldn't let up. I had no choice.”

“Did you…?” you ask carefully.

“I killed her,” he says matter-of-factly, but you can tell it's been eating away at him.

“I'm so sorry, Cal,” you offer, reaching across the table and placing your hand on his. “That couldn't have been easy. I'm sorry you had to go through that.”

He doesn't meet your eyes, his gaze fixed on his half empty cup instead, watching the drops of condensation slowly fall along the outside of the glass onto the table, staining the wood. But he doesn't pull away either, so you give his hand a reassuring squeeze.

“You look exhausted,” you finally tell him, and he lets out a breath through his nose, as if saying 'you have no idea'. You offer for him to take a shower here instead of at the saloon before heading back, telling him yours is nicer, to which he chuckles lightly, and he accepts.

He insists you take a shower first while he takes care of the dishes, so you do just that. Once you're out, it's his turn. You hand him a towel and a change of clean clothes, and you can tell he wonders why you have them in his size, until he realises that they're actually his. It's an old shirt and lounge pants that you would always steal from him and had apparently taken with you. He doesn't comment on it though, instead he simply stares at the clothes in his hand for maybe a second too long, deep in thought. Then he blinks a couple of times, as if he just came back from zoning out, gives you a short 'thanks' and gets into the shower.

While he cleans up, you take a seat on the couch, pulling up the novel you're currently reading on your holopad. Only now that you're sitting with your legs stretched out along the length of the cushions do you realise how tired you are, both physically and emotionally. Out of everything you could have thought would happen today, meeting Cal was certainly not on the list. Still, you can't deny that you're happy to see him. For starters, he's still alive. And you've missed him, much more than you care to admit to yourself.

After reading the same sentence of your book over and over, failing to focus, you sigh and look at BD instead, who hops onto the coffee table and tilts his head at you with an inquiring beep.

“Has he been taking care of himself?” you ask the droid, pointing over your shoulder in the direction of the refresher, where you can hear the water running.

BD lets out a sequence of beeps and boops, and you narrow your eyes at him for a moment. 'He keeps himself busy' he said. Is he dodging your question?

“Is that so,” you reply with a hum, and BD shoots the question right back at you. You're a bit surprised at his concern, and for a moment you consider opening up to the little droid, but you hear the water turn off, so you bring your attention back to your book again instead, trying your darndest to focus on what's happening in the story. The washroom door opens with a whoosh.

“Where should I put the towel?” Cal asks, still standing at the door frame.

“Just put it in the hamper underneath the sink,” you reply over your shoulder, and in the corner of your eye you can see BD still looking at you, waiting for an answer. Then he tilts his head with an amused boop; he's got you all figured out.

“Oh shush you,” you start scolding the little droid, but Cal appears, walking around the couch to sit down. Except that your legs are stretched across it, so you start lifting them off the cushions and intend to bend them at the knee to sit properly, but Cal gently grabs your ankles, lifting them off the couch to sit down, and places them over his lap instead. His hand comes to rest on your shin, and you can feel the warmth he irradiates seep through the fabric of your pants.

“You looked comfy,” he points out, his hand gently rubbing up and down below your knee, while with his other hand he props up his head against the back of the couch.

You swallow hard, unable to answer, and bring the datapad up to your face to hide behind it. Why is he being so nice suddenly? Is it because you aren't outside where others could see? Or is it because he realised he still has you wrapped around his finger so he's just teasing you? You're beyond confused at the sudden sign of affection after he's been so distant the whole day, like he hadn't planned on ever seeing you again. And to be quite honest, you deserve the cold treatment. After what you did, the way you left.

Feeling the sting behind your eyes, knowing what's coming, you shrink further into yourself, holding the holopad even closer to your face to hide it from Cal's view. He can't see your expression from where he's sitting, so he gives a light chuckle, thinking you're just flustered. The sound feels like a dagger in your gut, and you unsuccessfully choke back sob.

Now Cal's face changes completely to one of concern, and he pushes the pad out of the way only to be met with your crying face.

“Whoa, wait-“ Cal says, and he retrieves his hands, holding them both up in surrender. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- I thought we-“

“I'm so sorry, Cal,” you croak, crying freely now, as you let go of the device and it falls onto the floor with a 'clunk'. “I'm so sorry for everything, for what I did. For leaving you alone.” Your hands wipe away at your cheeks in a vain attempt to dry off the tears, but they just keep coming.

After the crew split up, the Mantis felt unbearably empty. After the failed mission on Hosnian Prime, after saying goodbye to Fret and Irei, who had definitely changed the dynamics of the crew (you still weren't sure if it had been for better or worse), everything felt like it started falling apart.

The first to leave was Merrin, saying she needed to recentre her fire and find herself again, to be able to draw all the power she now knew she was able to use.

Then, it was Cere and Greez. The Latero trusted Cal and left his beloved ship in his hands, telling him to look after it until he'd be back. Except everyone knew that he didn't really intend to. The loss of his arm had hit him harder than he wanted to admit, and for Greez it had been the wake-up call needed to “leave the game while you can because it's been rigged since the start”, as he would often say. Cere on the other hand took off with new-found determination. Her and Cal's goals weren't all that different: the endgame was to defeat the Empire, one way or another. However, Cal believed in taking action now, while Cere had her sights set on the future, being able to help those who would come next, long after she and everyone else were gone. She wanted to build a legacy, as the 'Jedi's knowledge was far too valuable to be lost to time and circumstance.

After everyone was gone, it was just Cal, BD and you.

The Jedi had become irritable, like he had already convinced himself that you would leave him soon too, as did everyone, apparently. You reassured him to the best of your abilities that you believed in what he stood for and wanted to stay by his side. However, now that you didn't have a whole crew to count on, you had to be more careful than ever.

“We have to be smart about this!” you'd plead, seeing Cal running head-first into danger time and time again.

When the nightmares became too much, you'd hold him tightly, kissing his tears away as he'd cry out for his master, Tapal.

“You were just a kid!” you had yelled at Cal one time, when what was supposed to be a quick run-down of the plan had become a big argument. “You act as if the whole universe is counting on you and only you to defeat the beast that is the Empire. Do you think that that's your destiny? As dictated by the Force? We've had our share of big, successful missions as a group. Now it's time to back down, Cal. We're just two people, what do you expect we'll achieve here? It's time to move on.”

Needless to say, those words had not calmed Cal down in the slightest. Now he felt just as betrayed by you as he did by the rest. More words were thrown at each other like daggers finally let free after being pushed back for far too long in an attempt to keep some level of normalcy between you two. But there was no going back. So you did what you told him as well: you moved on. That same evening, you packed your things and left.

Your heart bled and tears kept streaking down your face with every heavy step you took away from the Mantis, but at the time, you didn't know what else to do. You'd never wanted to leave Cal, and you hated yourself for doing this to him and to yourself, but what you had going on was no way to live anymore. Maybe, hopefully, now that you were gone, he would understand that.

You know it had been a horrible thing to do, especially like that. After years of telling him how you'd follow him to the end of the world. After telling him every day how much you loved him. After promising you'd be there for him. The worst part was that being away from him was far more painful than it was with him. He left a void in your heart that only he could fill. You meant to go looking for him many times, but were too scared. You didn't deserve to have him back. Not after what you did.

But now he's here.

Between cries, you apologise over and over again, saying how what you did wasn't fair, that you wished you had never left and worked it out instead, that you missed him so much it was hard to breathe.

Cal doesn't answer immediately, and you force your somewhat blurry gaze up to meet his eyes, and you see he's starting to tear up himself. He leans forward, lifting you up and settling you sideways onto his lap, enveloping you in a bone-crushing hug. You hold him just as tightly, crying into his shoulder.

“I'm sorry,” The more you say it, the emptier it feels, but it's all you can manage for now, and you mean it. “I really am.”

“I know,” Cal says, squeezing you a little tighter. “I felt it. When you gave me the clothes earlier.”

You remember the countless nights you've cried yourself to sleep in the very clothes he's now wearing, the times when you missed him so much you felt like your heart would rip its way right out of your chest, muttering your regrets into your pillow, as if it could carry your apology and bring it to Cal somehow. You groan in embarrassment; you always forget that your stuff also carries imprints he can feel.

“I'm so lame,” you mumble and pull back to look at Cal, giving him a weak smile that quickly turns into a grimace again as a new wave of tears come rolling down your cheeks.

“No, you're not,” Cal reassures you, one hand cupping your face and wiping over your cheekbone with his thumb. You lean into his touch with a sniffle.

“I've missed you too,” he finally says, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead. “And I'm sorry—” He kisses your cheek. “—for making you feel like you were less important than the missions.” A kiss to the corner of your mouth. “You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I took you for granted.” His lips brush over yours. “Can we try again?”

You close the minimal gap and kiss him hard, like Cal was the air your lungs needed after being underwater for too long. He reciprocates just as intensely, pushing you down onto the couch and climbing on top of you. When he finally breaks the kiss, you're both panting. You run your fingers through his hair as he trails kisses along your jaw, and you giggle at how ticklish his beard feels against your skin; that's a new sensation you'd have to – no scratch that, want to – get used to. Your giggles turn into a low moan as he bites the spot over your collarbone, and when you turn your head to give him better access, you're met with BD still on the coffee table, now sitting comfortably, looking up at you two as if it was the most interesting spectacle in the world.

A strangled sound of surprise and embarrassment comes from your throat and you push Cal away a bit by his shoulders, to which he raises his head and grumbles in annoyance for interrupting him.

“We have an audience,” you whine, hiding your face behind your hands, and Cal lets out an amused laugh. BD beeps matter-of-factly.

“What do you mean 'don't mind me'?!” You turn to the droid and you swear that if he had a face, he'd be wearing the cockiest of grins right now.

“Some things really never change, huh,” Cal comments with an amused smile, thinking back to all the times you'd become flustered when you kissed in front of BD, saying it was inappropriate or something. If only you knew that Cal often did it on purpose because he loved seeing your cute, flustered face.

“Unlike this right here,” you point out and bring your hands to his face, stroking over his beard, enjoying the prickly sensation. “This is new.”

“Do you like it?” Cal asks genuinely.

“You know I like your scars,” you say, tracing over the one on his lower lip. “As long as they're not covered up, I think I can get used to it. It does look good on you.”

Cal smiles down at you tenderly and for a few moments, you simply enjoy each other's presence, taking each other in. Making sure that this is real and it's happening, that you're back again. Until you let out a hearty yawn.

“Let's get to bed before we fall asleep on the couch,” you say, rubbing your face, but stop to look up at Cal, who seems very content with his current position and hasn't moved yet. “You are staying here tonight, right? I mean, if you want to, you don't have to. Greez has the whole room thing for you, so I understand if—“

Cal interrupts your rambling with a quick peck.

“Yeah, I want to stay,” he assures you and finally stands up, helping you get off the couch.

“Let's go, BD,” you tell the droid to join you as you take Cal's hand and guide them to the bedroom.

You climb into bed, BD at your feet as he would always do on the Mantis, and Cal lifts the covers to get in as well but stops for a moment when he sees the holopicture on your night stand. In the small frame he recognises Greez, Cere, Merrin, Cal, BD and you in the cockpit, all grinning at the camera. Smiling to himself, he finally gets into bed, hugging you to him.

“I have the same picture of us on the Mantis,” he says after letting out a content sigh at finding a comfortable position. “Guess we still were connected somehow all this time.”

You hum in response, a bit surprised at the romantic implication, as if you were lovers who found comfort in looking at the same moon even though you were separated. But you like the idea nonetheless, and you agree.

The warmth both on your skin and spreading in your heart makes quick work of carrying you off to dreamland though, so before you can even give a proper reply, you're fast asleep in Cal's arms.

— — —

The next morning, you wake up to BD's beeping. You groan, turning over to cuddle a little longer, except that the other side of your bed is empty. You blink away the sleepiness in your eyes, and pout at the lack of Jedi in your sheets. Your nose is quick to pick up the scent of freshly brewed caf however, and the grogginess is quickly forgotten as you get out of bed and make your way to the kitchen, where Cal is preparing breakfast.

After a quick meal and lots of stolen kisses, Cal announces it's time to go check out Greez's smuggler tunnel to find that gyro.

“Be careful,” is the last thing you tell him before he leaves.

“Always,” he shoots back at you with a wink and takes off. You playfully roll your eyes at that, thinking back to the countless times on the Mantis you've had to patch him up after a mission inevitably went astray from the original plan.

While Cal is looking for parts for the Mantis, you go back to your own things, checking in on Connor and the nekkos at the stable, as well as preparing some pelts and sewing up your most recent leather project.

Time goes by fast as you skilfully work the needle and thread through the thick material, finishing the piece after a couple of hours. Setting it aside, you stretch your arms and back with a satisfied grunt. You check to see if your comms are working; they are, but there's no new messages. Strange, you think, Cal sure is taking his time to find that gyro. Is he not back yet?

Suddenly feeling uneasy by your own thoughts of how he might have got lost in the tunnels, or how he may have encountered trouble down there, you decide to go check with Greez yourself.

You quickly make your way to the Saloon, going down the stairs that lead to the bar with such speed that when you reach the end and see someone standing there, you bump into them before you can stop yourself.

“Whoa,” a deep voice exclaims at the impact, and you push yourself away from the man's back you just ran into. He turns around slightly towards you. “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry, didn't see you there” you reply, regaining your composure and walking around him to get a better look.

He's not super tall, but he has a strong and broad build. Although you already felt that when you bumped into him and it was like walking into a wall. You give him a quick up-and-down, trying to gauge if he's friend or foe, but you can't quite read him. He narrows his eyes at you ever so slightly, probably doing the same.

“A new face, how rare,” you start, walking over to the bar and leaning on it with one arm. Your other hand finds its way to your hip, where you realise there is no holster or weapon; you mentally reprimand yourself for leaving your staff at the stable.

“Care for a drink?” asks Monk from behind you.

“No, I'm looking for someone,” the man says.

“Of course you are,” Monk replies with sarcasm. You give the bartender droid a nod; you'll take care of this. As he wheels back into the kitchen, you hear him mutter something about how his bar isn't a lost and found counter. Before the stranger can go on however, the doors at the back of the saloon whoosh open.

“Who's this?” asks Greez as he enters the main room.

“I was just about to ask him,” you reply, your eyes still trained on the man.

“I'm looking for Cal Kestis,” the man in question says instead, and your hand on the bar involuntarily curls into a fist.

“Who? Kal Restis?” Greez asks as he approaches him. “We don't know any Kales. Listen, if you're not gonna order something, get out of my saloon.”

“No, not Kale”, the man says, getting slightly exasperated as he repeats the name slower, and Greez keeps getting it wrong on purpose.

Just as you're about to intervene and send the man away, the entrance doors open and in comes Cal, a soft smile of self-satisfaction on his face.

“Cal!” The man greets the Jedi. You hear Greez mutter “Oh, this Cal Kestis” under his breath as they clearly recognise each other.

“I found the gyro,” Cal announces first, throwing a small mechanical part to Greez, who's taken by surprise but still catches it. Then he turns to the intruder with a smile. “You made it!”

“Good to see you, Cal,” he replies, and the two share a friendly handshake.

“Greez Dritus, this is Bode Akuna,” Call starts introductions, telling this Bode your name as well. You merely give him a short nod in acknowledgment as Cal continues. “He was on Coruscant. Wouldn't have made it out alive without his help.”

Oh, that changes things.

You leave your spot at the bar and drop your rather cold gaze to join the group. Coming to stand next to Cal, you take his hand, and try your best to give Bode a thankful smile. He returns it, quickly catching on.

“Wait a minute. Another one?” Greez quips, looking behind Cal. You were so focused on Bode, that you hadn't even noticed the strange looking droid that came in with the redhead. “Cal, you have a very bad habit of picking up strays.”

“I am ZN-A4,” the droid introduces herself with an exaggerated bow. The design and material she’s made of is something you’ve never seen before. “Humble servant of the Jedi Order.”

What.

“Oh, I take it you haven't broken the news yet,” Bode says to Cal, who sheepishly shrugs his shoulders.

Cal then brings everyone up to speed, telling you how when he was in the tunnels with BD, they stumbled upon this old chamber where the droid was stuck, so they freed her. Turns out she's a droid that belonged to a Jedi from the High Republic, of all things. Her master, Sandari, had sent her to activate the so-called forest array (that strange building the other side of the river that doesn't quite fit in with the rest of the scenery; you've always wondered what it was but never found a way to get in). However, Zee, as everyone started calling the droid, is in really bad shape, and she'll never make it that far. She looks dejected as she says that if she fails her mission, then the key to Tanalorr may be lost forever.

At the mention of the name, Greez chimes in, telling the group that there's an old prospector legend about Tanalorr being a world filled with treasure. But treasure or not, the important part is that it seems to be a real place, one potentially beyond where the Empire can reach: a safe haven.

Zee is delighted and very thankful that everyone seems on board with her mission, and the group is quick to formulate a plan: while Monk gets her up to speed regarding the state of, well, everything, and she gets some much-needed repairs, Bode and Greez will take care of the Mantis. Meanwhile, Cal, BD and you will go to the forest array to check it out.

As you're making your way to the stables, you nudge into Cal's side with your elbow.

“You didn't get hurt down there or anything, right? You sure took your time,” you ask him. It did not go unnoticed by you how in Cal's retelling of events, he skilfully left out how he happened to find that mysterious chamber in the first place.

“The tunnels were pretty old and unstable, but we're okay,” Cal deflects, shooting the droid a quick look. “Right BD?”

BD beeps in response, and you shoot Cal a glare accompanied by a muted gasp, stopping in your tracks.

“You fell through a hole the equivalent of several stories?!” You can't believe this guy.

“It's fine!” Cal tries to reassure you, bringing his hands up to your shoulders. “I promise, it's nothing a stim didn't already fix. So there’s no need to worry, okay? We have a job to do.”

You sigh in defeat as he places a soft kiss on your forehead. You first cup his face softly, then pinch both his cheeks.

“Just what am I going to do with you, Cal Kestis?” you ask rhetorically, taking his hand into yours and resuming the short trek to where Connor is already waiting and waving at you both.

Once you're all geared up and hop into the saddle, you tighten the strap of your staff, adjusting its position on your back.

“Just like old times, huh?” you ask at no one in particular, scanning your surroundings and taking in the scenery; it just never gets old. Cal's nekko trots up next to you.

“Just like old times,” he repeats, with that boyish smile you can't get enough of, and the glint of adventure in his eyes.

Your nekkos take off, and the freckles on his face seem to shine in the sunlight. They form the ever familiar star map that you'd follow time and time again, finding your way back to him. Because from the first time you looked at him, you knew: you'd follow this man across the galaxy and beyond.

— — —

A/N 2: if you understand the droid name reference you get a cookie 🍪

A/N 3: in the book Battle Scars there’s a part where BD tells Cal, and i quote, “Where you go, I go”, and when i tell you that i screamed omg (the first part of my “wherever you go, i go” fic was actually called ‘where’ but i changed it to ‘wherever’ when i added more chapters because to me it sounded better asdsdf) BD-1 and me sharing one brain cell obsessed with Cal fr😌

~~~~~

#goose feathers #cal kestis x reader #star wars cal x reader #jedi fallen order x reader #jedi survivor x reader #star wars x reader

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