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cannibalovers · 3 months

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creating a tag list btw if anybody wants to be tagged each time i post these then let me know!! (replies/dms/ask box)

Hannibal song of the day : song no.2

a bit about the song:

"Want" (released in 2000) is a song by Recoil, an artist I mentioned in my previous post. Recoil is Alan Wilder's music project. It was produced and written by him along with the vocalist Nicole Blackman. The vocals are spoken and the instrumental is simple yet with a lot of layers, quite dark with a focus on the drums, fitting the downtempo, triphop and experimental genre of the song. The meaning of the song is pretty straightforward, all of the sentences starting with "I want". It explores the themes of control and desires. The narrator wants to regain control, get revenge and destroy the ones that wronged them, the ones who they have loved, the ones that took away control from the narrator and destroyed them. It could be multiple things, people, substances, etc. although in my mind, I see it as the narrator aiming this only on one specific person. They want satisfaction and feel like they'll get it through vengeance.

when I hear this song I can really only think of one person, WILL. I have talked about this song before on my other blog and somebody said that this song was literally written by Will, every line just gets better and more accurate and I agree SO SO much. Not only do the lyrics fit WORD FOR WORD, the overall vibe just fits the show so much. This song really reminds me of honeypot/season 2 Will, if a song could explain his mindset and feelings about Hannibal (ignoring the fact that he was falling in love LMAOOO), then this would be the song, perhaps about how Hannibal ruined his life along with others.(more or less before finding Hannibal's actual plan of running away with Will since that's why Hannibal was isolating Will)

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Intro

"I want to know how it will end I want to be sure of what it will cost I want to strangle the stars for all they promised me"

This is literally Will's intentions at the beginning of season 2. By the end of season 1, he realises what Hannibal has done to him, how he lied and manipulated him and through time, realised that Hannibal framed him for his own murders. His plan was to get revenge, end Hannibal and regain control.

The narrator wants to see how their story with their oppressor will end, they want to be sure of what it will take, they want the satisfaction of knowing that they have hurt them back. Will seems to want this as well, he himself literally confessed to Hannibal that he wants to kill him. WITH HIS HANDS. He wants to be the one to kill Hannibal, at least the one to initiate it, since he literally sent somebody else to kill Hannibal (although I feel like he would have regretted now killing him himself).

The narrator feels resentment and wants to hurt the ones that have hurt their trust and lied to them, breaking the promises they made - The same for Will. He was used by everyone, especially Jack who wanted him in the field so bad, everyone promising to protect him and not let him get "too close", but yet he did - Why? because of Hannibal. Hannibal was Will's psychiatrist, he took on the responsibility of Will's stability and mental health, he assured Jack that Will is strong enough for the field, lied to Will saying that there was nothing wrong with his brain (bros brain was literally melting into a soup) and just overall fucking with his brain. Nobody noticed what Hannibal did to Will and nobody believed Will when he saw Hannibal's true side and intentions, the promises they made about keeping him safe were not fulfilled.

"I want you to call me on your drug phone I want to keep you alive so there is always the possibility of murder later"

Drug phones are phones usually used secretly, kept away from personal usage, usually for drug deals or illicit activities - a person's secret part of their identity. For the narrator, it is most likely literal, the oppressor most likely encouraged the use of drugs, probably weakening the narrator and making them more vulnerable and dependent, that's how their got control (or the oppressor is literally drugs and the narrator is talking about giving up drugs and regaining control over their life).

whichever it is, drugs don't fit the theme of the show that much (although reminds me of the call hannibal made to Hobbs' house and Will calling Hannibal in mizumono), but I still can see a connection to the show taking into the account the fact that drug phones are used to contact people in secret, letting the recipient see the secret part of the caller, a part that they hide away from the public. Because of that, I think the line can still be applied to Hannibal. He sees Will as somebody who can understand him - throughout the show, he was slowly revealing himself to Will, although even if that's not what he was trying to do, Will figured it out anyhow. For Will and Hannibal, I see this line as Will wanting Hannibal to admit to his murders and other secrets Hannibal has been keeping away.

now the last like is quite clear when it comes to hannigram......... literally could be applied for both sides, but we're talking about Will so we're gonna talk about Will.

Will had multiple moments where he could kill Hannibal, but didn't. I personally think it's cuz he was falling in love (and let's be real, their love language with each other is literally trying to kill each other, but then not going through with it, that's so incredibly romantic that ur lover just loves u sm that he doesn't wanna kill u omgggg couple goals) - let's take the moment where Hannibal was tied up to be fed to Mason's pigs for example. He had the option to let his desire come true, he literally imagined this exact situation - slicing Hannibal's throat open and leaving him to the pigs (although I'm pretty sure he was imagining what Mason would have done but... still counts). He didn't take it and instead freed Hannibal; He probably did it since his plan was to get justice and get Hannibal caught to prove that he wasn't crazy, but also, because he wanted to kill him himself. Not with the help of others, not at the hands of Mason, if Hannibal is dying then it's gonna be at Will's mercy and his mercy only - yet another idea keeps popping into my mind; the idea that Will was hesitating if to even do it. I don't think he wanted to really kill him, since he said so himself, he became interested in Hannibal. He wanted to get to know him, perhaps find another way of getting revenge, or maybe even choosing mercy and letting him live as he slowly started to realise that he maybe does actually agree with Hannibal. Either way, he was keeping him alive so there was always the possibility of murder, later.

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verse 1

"I want to be there when you learn the cost of desire I want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win"

The narrator wants the oppressor to realise what they have done and the narrator is trying their hardest to win over them.

Will wants Hannibal to realise the impact of his actions, whether he realises that Hannibal literally wants this, idk, maybe he did and that's why he decided to try and betray Hannibal instead, but whatever it is, he wants Hannibal to realise what he has done.

Malevolence means to want to hurt and cause harm, hostility. With how Will pretended to murder Freddie, I think the line fits perfectly. He's pretending to murder (ok although he did murder Randall but that's another thing ok...) for Hannibal, to show him that he is becoming him, to try and satisfy Hannibal, this is Will's way to win over Hannibal and get him back for the lying and betraying.

"I want the name of the ruiner I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn"

the narrator wants to ruin the oppressor, they want to take the title of a ruiner away and reclaim it, and so does Will. He wants to be the one to ruin Hannibal.

The matches remind me the burning body that was supposed to be Freddie's and how he said that Freddie was the fuel for the murderer, so he turned her into what she is, a fire that ignited him, started his new life as a killer. The fact that the lyrics say to "suddenly burn" just elevates it for me even mor considering that this was probably an improvised plan, I think he did plan to somehow frame a murder but to use fire as a metaphor was sudden in my eyes. He wanted to create a performance in Hannibal's style as technically Hannibal was his mentor for this, make this look like art, a performance (unless it was Hannibal's idea to set her on fire? lol if that was implied then i don't remember it oops), also perhaps overall Will trying to get an opportunity to betray hannibal, wait for the perfect moment but be prepared?

"I want you to know that being kind is overrated I want to write my secret across your sky"

Ngl I see this more as Hannibal saying this to Will, telling him that kindness is overrated and wanting to reveal his secrets to Will, although this can also maybe be Will telling others like Jack or Alana that he doesn't need their kindness and pity, after all they did break their promises, and the "write my secret across your sky" could be towards them as well, about revealing Hannibal's secret or actually writing his secret in Hannibal's sky, the secret being his plan of betraying him. After all, he did warn him about FBI coming during mizumono, as if he didn't really want his plan to go through and for Hannibal to run away. Honestly? with this line anything will work since there's so many secrets in this show lol

"I want to watch you lose control I want to watch you lose"

oh god these lyrics. Literally Will.

Hannibal is known for his control, Will knows it too, even tells Jack to not underestimate him, because he's always in control of the situation, one way or another. Will wants to take that away, he wants to see him weak, out of control, lost, he's curious about that. He's constantly trying to figure out which buttons to push and when to get him into this state - for fun? perhaps. to get back on him? yeah probably. probably both

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verse 2

"I want to know exactly what it's going to take I want to see you insert yourself into glory"

For the narrator, the glory can be the loss of control they're aiming for their opressor to be in, wanting to see what it will take for them to lose it. This could be from Will's perspective, but I propose a more interesting idea:

Once again, I can see those as more Hannibal saying these to Will rather than Will saying this. Hannibal literally saw himself in Will, he saw the potential of Will becoming Hannibal and surviving it, him being at the same level as him. He really kept pushing Will, seeing what it would take to get him to that point (encephalitis apparently...) and insert Will into "glory" - they even talked about how "enlightened" and changed Will felt after committing the murders. To Hannibal, accepting your dark side and murdering is glory after all; That's what God does and are we not created in his image?

"I want your touches to scar me so I'll know where you've been I want you to watch when I go down in flames"

The narrator wants their oppressor to watch them elevate and to frame them, have the evidence of what the oppressor has done to them and to use it against them to bring them down.

This can be seen from the perspective of Will's plan, getting to know Hannibal and letting him manipulate him to see Hannibal for what he really is, and perhaps it would even help him to understand what to use against him. The lyrics about the flames feels like another part of the "I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn", how Freddie was his fuel and he has set himself on fire to be reborn as a "killer". He wanted Hannibal to see it so he would be convinced.

(technically Hannibal did scar Will, left him with a "smile" as he calls it. mf literally gave him a C-section scar. but i feel like in this context it doesn't fit? but maybe this line could be taken paradoxically, Will wanting Hannibal to mark him so that he constantly remembers him and feels him, afterall he feels the best when he's around Hannibal and can't forget him no matter how hard he tries.)

"I want a list of atrocities (Done in your name)"

Will wanting a list of atrocities done in Hannibal's name should be pretty self-explanatory, he wants evidence to frame him and prove that he was right.

"I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back"

for the narrator, it's overall accepting the dark desires and their dark side, seeing what would happen if they took the "dark, bad" path instead of the "light, good" path, the dark path being revenge and light path being letting go. Choosing the dark path would mean picking themselves, betraying the social norm, but picking the light path would mean betraying themselves, not satisfying their soul and desires because according to society, revenge of such intensity and violence is bad. mmm juxtaposition and paradox

I can see this as Will hesitating which side to choose, the "dark" side (Hannibal) or the "light" side (FBI and justice)(although one can argue that the dark side is FBI and overall going into the crime field and light side is having a "normal" life). Through the show we can see his curiosity about the dark side keeps on growing and he slowly starts to explore it. Perhaps what reached back was wendigo.

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verse 3

the most straightforward one, I dont even know what to say help lol

"I want to remember when my nightmares were clearer"

i mean. do i have to explain that one

just Will trying to recollect what happened during his episodes and what Hannibal done to him, especially him trying to remember what happened when he kept losing time and the fact that Hannibal shoved a tube down his throat to put Abigail's ear in there. like. woah. what the fuck

"I want to be there when your hot black rage rips wide open"

wendiggoooooooooooooooooo

trying to kill wendigo, he just really wants him dead. But also reminds me of the scene where Will is being born as wendigo to show that he has successfully become Hannibal.

"I want to taste my own kind"

well.

he does decide to eat ppl for Hannibal (simp)

but nah also the temptation of accepting his dark side and choosing hannibal - his own kind, someone he feels understood by.

"I want to be wrapped in cold wet sheets to see if it's different on this side"

my man sweats buckets(and seas apparently), I think he knows what it feels like.

but also, "to see if it's different on this side". Overall, I think we can agree that being wrapped in cold wet sheets is prob not the most comfortable and feels incredibly weird, it's supposed to make you feel uncomfortable and the narrator is powerful enough and accepting enough of the uncomfortable to chose it instead of a something comfortable - let's say the cold, wet sheets representing the vengeance but the "other side" (comfortable, probably dry sheets...) being a quiet, mundane life. That's what Will struggled to choose between, the quiet and mundane life or a life with Hannibal.

overall this whole verse, for the narrator, I feel like it's them giving into those dark desires and testing them. Specifically for Will, it's everything Will decides to do for Hannibal, to get to that dark side, try it, taste it, or what Hannibal made Will do to get to that dark side and the aftermath of Will going perhaps too far, not knowing if he wants to stay on that side with Hannibal or return to the light side and get revenge on Hannibal.

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verse 4

"I want you to come on strong I want to leave you out in the cold I want the exact same thing, but different"

the narrator wants to the the same thing back, but even though it's technically the same, it will feel much different.

Will too, he wanted to come onto Hannibal strong, shock him, be forceful with him to get him off guard and leave him out in the cold suddenly, just like Hannibal did with him; He gained Will's trust and dependency and then framed him for his murders, completely destroying those two things - why? honestly idfk, to interest Will??? this man is weird and peculiar individual and his decisions are just there cuz he's a curious bitch I really don't get them sometimes lol

but Will wants to do gain the same thing, but not to interest Hannibal but to regain the control that Hannibal took from him. Same thing, but different

"I want some soft drugs... some soft, soft drugs"

give this boy some aspirin

but ok for the narrator, as I suggested, because of the repeating theme of drugs, maybe the narrator is having withdrawl symptoms or maybe they want the same thing they had - the trust and dependency on someone, but soft, genuine, and loving. Devotion and influence.

Maybe that's what Will wants as well, or just want to get high to forget about this all and relax for once omfg give this man a break PLEASE let him go on a fishing trip in peace.

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verse 5

"I want to throw you I want you to know I know I want to know if you read me"

narrator is getting aggressive, they want the oppressor to realise that the narrator has seen through their games and won't accept them any longer, and so does Will. it's very straight forward, I always think of Will holding Hannibal at gun point in s1 ep13 when he realises what Hannibal has done, he wanted Hannibal to know that he figured him out, and also "i want to know if you read me" in my eyes applies to both as they both realise that they understand each other. I can kinda see Hannibal saying that line to Will and Will being a menace and replying with the next "I want to swing with my eyes shut and see what I hit" lol

but also, Will wants to know if Hannibal caught on, well, hoping that he didn't, and Hannibal, hoping that Will caught on on the fact that he wants the two to run away together. They're both reading each other all the time but this one time, failed, too blinded by the pain from the betrayals.

"I want to swing with my eyes shut and see what I hit I want to know just how much you hate me so I can predict what you'll do I want you to know the wounds are self-inflicted I want a controlling interest I want to be somewhere beautiful when I die I want to be your secret hater I want to stop destroying you but I can't

And I want and I want and I want and I will always be hungry And I want and I want and I want"

This sudden switch up is very quick and violent, expressing the anger and hatred the narrator is feeling; They're trying to regain control and dominance of the situation, perhaps they're going through with their plan - the wound being "self-inflicted" makes it sound as if they have planned this and are framing the oppressor, but try to appear innocent to others as they want to be seen as a "secret hater" - but it seems like the situation is getting out of control again, as they realise they can't stop anymore... or, the narrator hasn't come through with the plan but will never stop wanting to and the anger they feel will never disappear and they realise that without revenge, they will never feel satisfied. They will never stop wanting.

ok I still didn't watch season 3, but from spoilers and knowledge i have, I think i can make something out because this verse reminds me of season 2 but also the last few lines remind me of season 3. I see Will as someone that can be impulsive sometimes and this ending verse seems very impulsive. He's constantly trying to figure Hannibal out whilst trying to think of what he can do to break him, he wants to understand why Hannibal did what he did to him, but as he's doing so, he realises that maybe he doesn't want to go through with the plan of destroying him, because he's starting to understand Hannibal(and also finding out that Hannibal wanted to give Will everything back and run away together probably completely changed his view on Hannibal's actions). He wants to stop but he can't and no matter what he will try to do, he will never stop wanting to destroy him. His love for Hannibal just got as strong as his resentment, not to mention the fact that he didn't see the two running away safely together as an option, or perhaps thinks it's too late, he has gotten way too deep in the plan of destroying Hannibal and now can't back out even though he wants to.

in conclusion i'm insane cuz i spent 4 hours writing this................ but truly i've never heard a song that suits him more. Their trust issues are insane i love them.

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additional notes:

HIGHLY recommend listening to missing piece and want together istg those songs together just represent will and hannibal individually so so well

could have used this energy and enthusiasm on my media studies essay but whatever we ball

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my playlist

to anybody who read this, thank you and hope you enjoyed my rant<3

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starsnheroes · 6 months

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@crisispider -> the proposal -> setting: 616 -> word count: 3350

Who knew that asking someone to marry them came with a long list of things to do before the actual asking?

Clint certainly hadn't known that, and he had been married in fact. That happened nine days after being Bobbi Morse, and at the time he hadn't had the heart to tell her that he couldn't hear her well because his hearing aids had gotten busted. He had been smitten with her, but there had been no proposal or wedding. Straight to marriage for the both of them and they made a few good years before the bitter ends.

So thinking about marrying Peter came with two things. First that had come up in therapy and a long talk about commitment. What it meant, why he would run away and a whole bunch of things. That had been asking if they could schedule an earlier appointment and made the whole marriage topic a two-parter with his therapist.

The second thing was that he realized he wanted to do the whole shebang, he wanted to do this right and through that thought there were some peopled he needed to talk to first. Bobbi and Mary-Jane being the top, they were the ex-wives after all. Next came Kate and Natasha, because they were his best friends and if they didn't know before everyone else, they'd be betrayed.

Actually, there's a lot that had to happen; that he had to do and he felt like he should be the one to do it. It's not him proving himself, but it was a little bit in a way. He was proving that he wanted this, that he was ready for this and doing it right maybe than thing would end up better. Clint knew that he was putting in the work, trying to do everything he could to get this right and they were living with each other after months dating.

And there's Mayday, she was something that they had already worked out. What level of involvement he would have in her life and just like when Peter was moving in, there was someone else that was considered, Mary-Jane, which is why he thought he had to consider her. Get her blessing or a heads up, that he wanted to marry Peter.

Some other universe, somewhere, she and Peter were probably supposed to still be married and. . . . . They were here now, and he hadn't gotten his luck together with Bobbi ever and he thinks she should know as well. Ex-wives, life was weird, and Peter had a baby with his.

First, he was meeting with Bobbi and to say he wasn't buzzing with too many nerves. She was probably going to be the most difficult one to talk to, next or after MJ, that would prove itself later or the next day. He was telling everyone within this week and then proposing to Peter by the end of the week. THEY WERE MEETING FOR COFFEE. He’s already got a coffee when Bobbi comes, and she’s not late but she pretends to be. ❝ You’ve got that look on your face, sport. ❞ God, this woman knew too much about him.

It makes him bristle over that, and it’s what he loved about her. ❝ C’mon, can’t just want ta’ catch up with the ex-wife for coffee? ❞ Oh, she’s doing the raised eyebrow and tight-lipped smile, and he braces the next set of words from her which come just as he does know her pretty well too. ❝ So what did you screw up? ❞ It would be pointless to ask why everyone asks that question first when it came to Clint Barton.

❝ Actually, that’s the thing. I haven’t ⸻ ❞ He hasn’t, or well when he has he has gone on and fixed it. Clint Barton has finally gotten his life together, or he keeps trying to hold this all together. ❝ I do want to catch up with ya, Bird, you’re hard to catch but ⸻ ❞

❝ You want to run away from something ⸻ ❞ There’s why they couldn’t make it work. It’s that inner part of her that picks apart him. She’s not wrong there either. In the past, he’s called her when he wanted to run away or blow up his life; even called her one day he thought about relapsing.

❝ I’m asking Peter to marry him, and I don’t know the divorce laws, but shouldn’t the ex-wife know or something? ❞ He tries not to sound that annoyed tone of voice he uses with her, the one that their therapist pointed out when they tried couple’s counseling. That catches her by surprise, and she touches to his hand.

❝ Clint, you don’t need my blessing. ❞ ⸻ ❝ Yeah, but I want it and I love him. ❞

She smiles, and then they talk. The two of them really talk about things, and she was happy for him. Teases him relentlessly, and that she does see the pictures he’s shared of him with Peter and Mayday, and she was glad that he got that. Clint worries, asks her how she’s doing and that he hopes she finds something. And she’s fine.

Ex-wife one down, and it’s went well. Telling Mary-Jane suddenly feels like it’ll be more of a challenge than Bobbi ended up being. That was because Bobbi was his ex-wife, and she cares about him. She always screws thing up caring about him. Mary-Jane was Peter’s ex-wife, and if he knows anything it’s that ex-wives and past marriages were complicated. Feelings possibly still lingering, and that’s where he knows both he and Peter had shared insecurities.

Making plans to meet with Mary-Jane involved Mayday, because it’s her two weeks with her. It feels almost like he is cheating on Peter; these past two weeks was going to because he was HIDING SOMETHING. It’s a good thing, and he’s spoiling Peter when they are home around the same time, or meeting for their meal dates. Hopefully, that’s not making him nervous that he’s being an extra goober for him.

It's just that Clint finds himself realizing how excited he was to do this. NERVOUS AS ALL HELL. Yet he was happy, and in love with Peter. ⸻ There’s MJ and Mayday, and he joins them with a smile. OH GOD, DO ALL EX-WIVES HAVE THAT LOOK?

Mary-Jane definitely knows something is up, but he smiles at her and greets Mayday first. Happy cheers of the name Bug and signing to her as he speaks with her. She’s already got so many simple signs she knows how to sign back. ❝ So I’m gonna need Mayday, just one day, cause I ⸻ well, I want to do something special with Peter, I uh, gonna propose to him, if that’s cool with you. ❞

That really sets the ball rolling and there’s a look he actually doesn’t know what it could mean. A soft ❝ Oh ❞ falling from her lips and lets her sit there to process which is where Clint’s own nerves jumps the boat of letting her process to ramble. ❝ If I’m doing that, Mayday, should be a part of that because we all are like a thing and it ⸻ ❞ A touch to his arm, than it’s down again and he’s supposed to be shutting up now.

Was it not cool? ⸻ ❝ Clint, I like you. ❞ The archer settles down for her, to talk and they talk. She asks how he was going to do this, which than he comes up with that fact that he forgot that rings were a thing, and he didn’t have one because wasn’t that kind of traditional guy-girl thing. Mary-Jane tells him a lot about Peter, some things he already knew and talks a bit about things he didn’t; mostly focuses on the past year that things were finally feeling good again with him. That she and him have been making it work, with Mayday, and that adding Clint wasn’t screwing her up.

It's safe to say that he’s gotten her blessing at least, and that he could pick up Mayday for the plans. They weren’t going to be anything too fancy out of the normal, besides Clint had asked Mary-Jane to learn one of Aunt May’s old recipes, since MJ knew May and knew her cooking. That was the biggest ask from her, because that would make the plans special and then he’d just ask. For as much of a showman bowman he was, Clint didn’t figure that fanfare would be best.

Peter liked him best when he was stripped down, when it was the three of them in their apartment being with each other. He likes him best when he was simply Clint, which was hard to be. Easiest when they were alone, and he hasn’t looked at his phone or turned on the news. That’s why he would be here, they would do this here in their own home and with a special meal. IT WOULD MATTER, NEEDED MEANING. Peter always needed the meaning.

Clint needed things to be meaningful too.

The next day of proposal prep was telling Natasha and Kate, before he’s even proposed, and this was needed for him. FOR HIMSELF. On top of that, they would both hunt and skin him if he kept this from them (not like they wouldn’t find out when they announced the engagement) however he knew he had to tell them before he even did it. So, they’d feel like they really were his best friends. He does it during a post work dinner with the both of them. They don’t seem to suspect anything unusual which supports his idea that ex-wives had some kind of superpower they gained where they knew things. That and grabbing food with Kate and Natasha were something he would normally doo.

❝ I’m proposing to Peter this week. ❞

He blurts out after Kate and Natasha are nitpicking about something, that shuts the both of them up to the conversation he hadn’t been listening to at all. THINGS WITH KATE GET EMOTIONAL. She’s proud of him, which gets him emotional, and she gets emotional. They were the Hawkeyes, and Kate’s known him at his worsts. Watched how he crashed and burned a relationship, and now Clint was in a stable relationship; and he knows that they were both thinking about how he’s gotten to be the mentor and friend, the family that Kate deserves. The whole meaningful sentiment between the two of them about being Hawkeyes and partners.

❝ So, you’re telling us because we are planning the wedding? ❞ is how Clint knows Natasha approves, that she is pleased to have been told and she’ll probably be a lot gushier with him about how proud she is of him and happy for him when Kate isn’t here. Although the idea of Natasha planning his wedding terrified him and she does know that Kate is going to be his best man. . . . which he has to have Peter say yes first.

WAIT, WHAT IF HE DOESN’T?

It was too late now, or that thought persisted until the day that he was borrowing Mayday from Mary-Jane’s, when he was getting in the kitchen and cooking one of Aunt May’s recipes. The biggest issue was getting Peter to not be home, which actually wasn’t that hard since they were both superheroes who always felt the need to be doing something. He just had to get Peter to come home around the right time, emphasize that it was date night and dinner would go cold (and he really didn’t want this dinner to go cold).

What surprises him is not only was he anxious, but he was feeling emotional too. Tearing up, and he know the food won’t taste anywhere near like how Peter’s made it but he hopes the gesture counts. He may have ordered takeout and put it in the fridge in cause this dish was awful. It was the kind that Peter seemed to like reheating more than fresh. There’s no ring or box, he had kind of forgotten about that, but he figures they would work out those details later. IF THAT WAS A THING, HE WOULD DO OR WERE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Clint’s dancing and singing, doing whatever he can do to make sure that Mayday was staying entertained with him. They play their little games, test her sign, and wait with her for Peter to come home. He talks to her, ❝ So you know, you’re here, Bug, because I love your daddy and you; and ‘cause I love your daddy so much? I wanna marry him. I think. . . . I’ve wanted that more than anything right now. Is it okay if I ask to marry him today, Bug? ❞ She seems to approve, and how he loves this kid a lot. He kisses her head and tells her more about his feelings for Peter. ❝ And I love you too, and I want us to keep being a family, that sound good to you? ❞ He figures that she did like the sound of that.

They continue to wait for Peter, WHO DOES MAKE IT HOME. He wasn’t the littlest bit of late, although he’s taking like he is. Clint’s sitting Mayday down for a moment to go greet him at the door. Taking his hand, kissing him to his cheeks and then his lips. ❝ Hey, you aren’t late. ❞

OH, THERE’S THESE BUTTERFLIES IN HIS CHEST AND STOMACH. He doesn’t know how to breath or swallow all the sudden just looking at him, and is this what it was supposed to feel like? Asking the man, he loved that he wanted to marry him, and he would hope and felt that it would mean forever. The other nervous part was when Peter sees Mayday and asks his worried questions about Mary-Jane. ❝ I asked if I could borrow her, for, uh tonight’s date night. ❞

That will definitely not make some sense to Peter, but than it would signal tonight was special. That’s the surprise, and he wants them to just sit down and have dinner. They don’t have a dining table, which he should have pulled out a card table or something. However, he hadn’t thought about that.

So, they eat at the counter, sitting on the stools and Mayday in her height chair which she was getting too big for, she’s two years old almost three. They should really have a dining table for family time like at MJ’s. Bigger place, they were still waiting to turn the top floor of the building selfishly into a penthouse sized apartment with a second- or three-bedroom apartment.

BEYOND THE POINT ⸻ PROPOSE TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. He is tapping nervously, when he sit Peter down for dinner, when he realizes what he made for him and gets a taste. ❝ I know it’s not right at all, but Mary-Jane said that, uh, Aunt May would make this for you, like this. ❞ If Peter hasn’t figured out what was going on, then well, he can’t tell if that is good or bad thing.

Clint tries to get through eating, by asking Peter about his day and then well, what was he going to do? How was he going to do this? WAS IT NOW OR WHEN? Should he get on his knees, but it just happens as Peter’s taking a few bites.

❝ So Mayday is here, cause ⸻ ❞ He’s taking Peter’s hand, grasping it tightly and he just starts to give the speech in his head. ❝ We’re a family, y’know and uh, I, well. . . . I needed her here, for, to be part of this cause she’s your word and the food. . . It’s kosher, it’s Aunt May’s. ❞ Clint never met her, would never, and he knows how much Peter tries to keep her close to him. So this was that way. His attempt to make this all special, and in a way asking Aunt May help I want to marry your nephew.

❝ You gave me a chance to repair our friendship, and then well, I fell in love with you, Peter and you’ve been ⸻ you and Mayday have been the best parts of my life since we got together. ❞

Clint squeezes Peter’s hand tight, and he has a lot of the things that he could say. He wants to say, and he will tell him because he loves him so much. And he wants this, he has never done a proposal and he wanted to make Peter to feel how much he loves him. He needs him to believe how much he wants him and Mayday in his life, that he doesn’t want to just be dating. Clint wants marriage with him, a second marriage, to try with him.

❝ You and Bug make life so much better and I want to keep you around forever, and uh, make sure you know how much you mean to me and I ⸻ ❞ OKAY. A LITLTE PANIC. Was he saying all the right words at all? He feels like his careful thought-out speech was tossed out of the door, out the window and landed on the pavement.

He wants this to be special and good; what if it was too much or too less? What if Clint bringing up Aunt May wasn’t the right move and it made Peter too sad to handle this? For the past month he had thought, felt certain, that Peter would want to get married again. Or what if bringing Mayday was weird? He doesn’t even have a dining table; they sit on stools side by side and that didn’t make a romantic atmosphere.

He could do better at the romantics, he has done that before with the heart shaped hot tub and rose petals, along with a cabin getaway. This was their apartment, with a special meal poorly cooked by Clint inspired by Peter’s dead aunt, with his child had with his ex-wife in the room. HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A RING.

For a moment, he was panicking. Brain and mouth stalling, and the butterflies feel frenzied because he realizes that he hadn’t thought how asking the question, how saying the words would get caught in his throat. Are his eyes burning, he feels like he might tear up? OH GOD, IF PETER CRIES ⸻ He could handle that, he knows that he could handle that. His spider-dork cries at moves and it makes his heart squeeze, his chest going all warm and fuzzy and he has to hold him. Hug him, kiss him when he cries; but what would he do if they both cried over this?

He just has to say the words, Clint wants to ask the question. He looks up at into his eyes, those browns that ground him and oh, he loves him. Clint’s glad he never gave up, because their relationship he’s been proud of. They didn’t always handle things the best, because Clint’s never been perfect but the both of them were trying. They were disasters together and then they made things work with each other.

Clint’s been putting in the work, and Peter’s trying. They’ve gotten over the bumps and hurdles. THEY WERE MAKING IT WORK. Now he wanted marriage, and he hoped that Peter did to. Not just marriage, to be married to him and have a wedding, let the people in their lives see how happy he was with Peter. How he claimed his life back from himself, and how just in love he was with this dork in front of him right now. Mayday makes a cooing sound, because he’s stalling and she’s calling him out. Clint got choked up, but now he has to ask, ❝ Peter, will you marry me? I want to marry you, have a wedding, do ⸻ be a husband again ⸻ marry me, will you marry me? ❞

#HOLY SHIT 3K WORDS. it's all for you mel <3 #now i go brain rot about linda/leonard timeline cause yes.#I LOVE THESE BOYS #crisispider #clint barton; crisispider #ic; clint barton #ships; crisispider; familiarity is knowing every line and crack even in the dark (spiderhawk)#verse; clint barton; entangled to a loser like me (crisispider)

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