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makeste · 3 years

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BnHA Chapter 295: So How Are You Holding Up (Because I’m a Potato)

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi randomly and graciously decided to answer all of our long-standing questions about Mr. Compress, including “is he secretly hot,” “is he secretly related to that Robin Hood thief guy,” and “is he ever going to use his quirk to chain chomp a hole right through his ass??” with the answer to all three being “yes, of course.” As for our follow-up questions, “sir, is Mr. Compress going to die,” and “holy shit,” his answers were, respectively, “wait and see,” and, “I understand, really I do, but that isn’t actually a question.” Well, he’s got us there.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi finally ends the War arc with the speed and grace of an overworked college student scrambling to BS their entire midterm essay with five minutes left before the deadline. Deku’s Spidey Sense is all “what up, I exist, p.s. you’re in danger kid” like oh shit, no, you think?? Compress is all “I’m not gonna die but I am going to pass out and be captured” and honestly, at this point I’ll take it. Spinner is all “Tomura you can have this one last Souvenir Hand I found that was in the oven for too long” and slaps it on his face because HE’S JUST TRYING TO BE HELPFUL, SHUT UP. Dabi is all, “[currently in a marble].”Tomura is all “actually, I’m AFO.” AFO is all “hahahahaha” and summons all of the remaining Noumus to cart him and Spinner and Dabi off to safety. Deku is all “DAMMIT TOMURA I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU FOR KILLING, AND I QUOTE, ‘AN UNBELIEVABLE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE’, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, GET THIS, I TOTALLY WANT TO SAVE YOU TOO! LMAO ISN’T THAT WILD.” Fandom is all “OH MY GOD, NO WAY, is what we would say if we had literally never met Deku before, I guess.” And then the arc just ends, lol. See you in the new year, kids.

WAKE UP, LINK... I MEAN, DEKU

jesus christ Vestiges, not a one of you guys has got any chill at ALL. LISTEN TO ME. THIS CHILD IS DEAD. HE IS DECEASED. LOOK AT HIM. HE’S LYING THERE ALL DAZED WITH HIS ARMS AND LEGS TURNED INTO GREEN PUDDING AND YOU’RE ALL “GET UP LAZYBONES” LIKE I SWEAR TO GOD. CAN HE JUST REST?? CAN YOU ALL JUST CALL IT A DRAW WITH THE VILLAINS ALREADY SO WE CAN FINALLY END THIS TRAUMATIC ARC AND MOVE ON TO THE NEW “TRIAGE AND ROBOT LIMBS FOR EVERYBODY” ARC INSTEAD

LIE BACK DOWN YOU IDIOT!!

no you didn’t pass out because of a ~heatwave~, you passed out because he set you on fire while you were out here shooting Blackwhip out of your mouth with your SPINDLY ACCORDION LIMBS dangling uselessly from you like WINDCHIMES you RIDICULOUS BOY

“where’s Todoroki-kun” oh shiiiiiiit. right. god I hope someone caught him. BAKUGOU OWES HIM A FAVOR, HOW ‘BOUT IT

OH NEVER MIND HE APPARENTLY CAUGHT HIMSELF??

Todoroki Shouto has really highkey been the MVP of the entire fourth quarter of this arc. he deserves the world, and odds are all Horikoshi’s going to give him are lasting trauma, and a souvenir shirt that says “I survived this stupid arc and all I got was this t-shirt”

anyway now Deku’s being hit by a Lightning Bolt of Realization or some such? idk what’s going on, but I bet you it’s related to Tomura waking up again

OH SHIT??

LOL WHAT. THAT’S IT?? SPIDEY-SENSE?? I mean we all predicted Spidey-Sense being one of his quirks like ages ago, so Well Done, Us, I guess

but also, seriously?? all of that drama and intrigue about the fourth user’s quirk and this is what we end up with? what was All Might being so cagey about then? how did this dude die? I need answers goddammit. new, better answers lol

maybe it’s something to do with the fact that Deku keeps talking about how his head hurts?

I mean, for Deku of all people to be all “ouch that hurts”, it must really fucking hurt, you know? like oh my god Deku are you dying

lmao and SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO APPARENTLY DON’T FEEL PAIN

this man is out here FROLICKING, half-naked and half-torsoed, AND STILL FEVERISHLY RATTLING OFF HIS MONOLGOUE. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN ESCAPED YET YOU DINGUS. did watching Dabi pour bleach over his head inspire you to think of interesting new ways you could abuse your own body for the sake of Theatrics?? why are villains Like This

anyway so now Mirio’s punching him, because what else are you even supposed to do in this situation

I read this speech bubble three times in a row very carefully this time around just to make sure I was reading the words right. and then looked for a T/L note below. and there was none. whatever RHA, at least you all are out here enjoying yourselves

wait what?

I guess he hasn’t woken up yet after all?? so then wtf is Deku’s Spidey Sense getting all worked up about. I mean to be fair there’s danger all around them still so having a Spidey Sense in this kind of situation is kind of like bringing a smoke alarm to a BBQ

now what

wait did he put them back in the marble?? or is that panel just meant to show us how they were in the marble earlier?? Horikoshi please make this less confusing, I’m already having trouble staying focused as it is. and on top of everything else Compress is cascading blood like Niagara Falls right now and I’m starting to wonder if you really are going to kill him off

anyway so Mirio is still in mid-punch, and now he’s reaching out to punch Spinner with his other hand. heh. Mirio please be careful Tomura is right there, and I swear to god Horikoshi IF HE LAYS A HAND ON HIS SWIRLY BLOND HEAD SO HELP ME I WILL MAIL YOU A VIAL OF MY TEARS

okay seriously what the hell is happening

when you attach?? everyone?? to your body?? whose body?? who is this??

oh wait okay it’s a flashback to Tomura talking about his Hands

lmao this is so disjointed, I can’t tell what’s a flashback and what isn’t and whose thoughts these are lmao I give up. I’m just going to fire up a bunch of question marks until this starts making some goddamn sense. ???????

??????

????????

-- !!!!!!!!!!!

okay hold up. so did Spinner just slap Tomura’s last remaining Signature Fashion Hand onto his face just now for absolutely no reason?? is that what’s going on?? and fuck me but it actually worked too, lmao. is your buddy unconscious and unresponsive to stimuli?? no problem, just slap ‘em in the face with a burnt and shriveled severed hand. works every time

p.s. I SWEAR TO GOD HORIKOSHI. IF YOU TOUCH MIRIO!!! HE’S A GOOD BOY LEAVE HIM ALONE

??????????

OKAY WELL. I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WTF IS HAPPENING, BUT AT LEAST MIRIO’S NOT DEAD. KACCHAN GOT BLOWN AWAY THOUGH SOB. HOW IRONIC THAT THE GOD OF EXPLOSION MURDERS WOULD BE MURDERED BY AN EXPLOSION WHILE I WAS BUSY SAYING “OH MY GOD”

ohhhhhh, okay. so this is AFO’s narration

and that’s a partial answer to the question of “why did AFO bother raising Tomura up as his heir if he was planning on taking over his body the whole time.” apparently it makes it easier to control him. joy :’)

also this image of a potato wearing a Tomura wig is sending me fjkllkhl

oh my god he summoned all the Noumu to him like Aquaman and his sea creatures. this whole situation just keeps on getting better

-- oh hell no. oh fuck me, fucking shit

SHIT SHIT SHIT. I’M SORRY SPINNER, TOMURA CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW

oh my god. I fucking hate everything right now oh my god

I GUESS WE FIGURED OUT WHAT DEKU’S SPIDEY SENSE WAS WARNING HIM ABOUT, THEN ಠ_ಠ

fucking great!! so I guess nobody is getting a happy ending today, then. the heroes got their asses handed to them (sorry Compress, it’s a figure of speech, didn’t mean to be disrespectful); Deku and Kacchan died; Shouto’s evil brother came back from the dead to ruin his life; everyone and their dog lost various limbs; and the villains have now lost Twice (dead), Compress and Machia (presumably going to be captured), and now their fearless leader’s body has been completely taken over by AFO, which is such an unsexy development that it managed to completely undo all of the Mr. Compress Sexiness from last week. goddamn it

DAMN IT HORIKOSHI ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO END IT LIKE THIS

up close Hadou’s face is looking pretty rough. :/ that’s going to scar over isn’t it. at least she’ll look like a badass

meanwhile I appreciate that Horikoshi drew what looks to be a little puff of air next to Kacchan’s mouth, just to reassure us all that he’s not actually dead. that’s fine. you just lie there then. also his wound really is in the exact same place as All Might’s and it’s giving me all kinds of feels you guys but whatever I’m not gonna sit here dwelling on it all day

AND POOR SHOUTO. IS HE STILL CRYING OMG. AND ENDEAVOR, WAY TO DO NOTHING STILL. THE ALL TIME CHAMP OF SITTING AROUND AND STARING, GOOD FOR YOU

ARE YOU FOR REAL, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW

(－‸ლ)

lol

“peace out, loser.” “SHUT YOUR TRAP, HO.” quality encounter right here

anyway so he’s blasting Deku with something and Deku’s just flying back all unconscious-like. so then, what even was the point of all that, huh

oh I see, it was to lead us into one last Deku monologue to close this arc out

oh my god Deku if you say you’re going to save him I will turn around and do a cannonball into a ballpit of feels right now, don’t do this to me

OH SNAP I THINK HE’S GONNA THOUGH

DID HE LOOK LIKE HE NEEDED SAVING?? I MUST CONFESS YOU AND I ARE OF A MIND HERE, YOUNG BROCCOLI. YES IN SPITE OF ALL THE MURDERS. WHAT CAN I SAY IT’S COMPLICATED

by the way I just have to point out here, that after all of those impossibly pretty close-ups of Hawks’s unconscious face, Horikoshi really did my child dirty here lmao

he looks like a squished cockroach. THAT’S MY BABY BOY

and it looks like the cavalry is finally on its way too! took them long enough. so I guess they can take care of any of the remaining Noumu stragglers, but first let Deku finish his speech. listen up Deku I really need you to say something cool and iconic to cap off this thus-far admittedly underwhelming Last Chapter Of The Year, here

AHHHHHHH YES HE REALLY DID IT HE SAID THE THING

well he thought the thing, anyway. close enough. I’ll take it!

so this is really the end of the arc then! or at least I hope, good lord. anyways, all right then so let’s do a quick status check:

it looks like the Noumu are hauling Tomura and Spinner away to safety, but it doesn’t look like they managed to save Machia or Compress. this honestly might be in Compress’s best interests though. the heroes can get him some medical help along with Kacchan and Endeavor and everyone else

Dabi is apparently hidden inside Spinner’s scarf, but do they have any way of releasing him without Compress there to undo the quirk? will he be all right in there. like how is he going to get food and water and air and stuff lol. does it wear off after a bit? can Compress undo it when he wakes up, even if he’s in custody? is there a distance limit on it?

and Skeptic was presumably turned into a marble as well, but Compress didn’t bother mentioning him at all. nobody cares about poor Skeptic lol

and bonus AFO theories status check:

Dad for One - AFO called Deku worthless and hasn’t seemed to take the least bit of interest in him despite getting to see his fancy SIXQUIRKS up close and personal. so if he is his dad he sure as heck is a terrible one, that’s all I can say

All for One for All/Deku is a horcrux - well the Spidey Sense seems to offer an alternative explanation to why Deku could sense AFO’s presence, but on the other hand it doesn’t explain why AFO was able to sense Deku’s as well (seeing his dreams and such). still thinking there’s a connection there, guys, idk

AFO is the final villain - five words for you: “EVERYTHING IS FOR MY SAKE.” is that concrete enough yet lol. pretty sure this arc marked both the beginning and end of Tomura’s brief stint as the Big Bad. Deku’s got it in his mind to save him now somehow, and we all know what happens when Deku starts getting determined to save people. look out AFO

as for the heroes, they’re all varying degrees of Fucked and I think it’s honestly too much to even take stock of at this point. maybe if I get a rush of hyperfixation in the next couple days or so I’ll do a separate post analyzing the impact of this arc and where things currently stand and where they might be headed from here

but in the meantime, ngl, this chapter was kind of a hot mess lmao. but whatever, I don’t even care because at least he managed to get all of it done within the allotted 17 pages, meaning that next week (or rather two weeks from now, sob) we really can get moving onto the aforementioned Triage arc! BRING ON THAT ANGST. I am so fucking hyped goddammit

#bnha 295 #all for one #midoriya izuku #shigaraki tomura #mr. compress #spinner (bnha)#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #idk why but this chapter was so exhausting to get through lol #I've enjoyed this arc so much but I guess at the end the fatigue just hit me all at once #almost 40 chapters we've been doing this #that's one chapter for every year iida has been alive #still it sure was epic though #now bring on that angsty aftermath

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lyssismagical · 4 years

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8 and 59 iron dad?

“Do you hate me?” & “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

(This one kinda got away from me idk how it happened but this ended up being 3k lmao)

Tony was grieving. That’s all it was.

Peter repeated it to himself over and over again, all day everyday, to convince himself it wasn’t actually his fault that Tony kept lashing out at him.

It wasn’t easy to feel like an intruder in what was meant to be his home, but it wasn’t Tony’s fault. He was grieving, that was all.

It had been four months since Pepper died doing the snap to win that battle.

Tony was grieving the loss of his wife. His best friend. The mother of his child. The one who’s stood by his side for decades.

The lashing out, the anger, the cold shoulder, it was fair. Tony was grieving.

If Peter felt hurt by any of it, he refused to show it. He would hold his chin high and meet every emotion with meek apologies and offerings of anything he could think of.

Peter had been living in the cabin for all four months, taking care of Morgan by himself while her dad was more or less MIA, in the throes of guilt and grief and anguish. Happy and May were grieving in the city, picking up her life. Rhodey was busy with work, helping rebuild the broken world.

It was down to Peter to take care of the five-year-old and her grieving father.

But that didn’t mean it wasn’t taking it’s toll on him.

He hadn’t slept well for as long as he could remember. He was trying to catch up in the missing five years, dealing with the nightmares and the obvious signs of PTSD after back-to-back wars he fought in, not to mention trying to stay on top of his school work at Midtown without actually going to school, and trying to keep tabs on everyone he cares about without them worrying about him.

It wasn’t easy work, that alone. But he’s also being a parent by himself.

It’s tiring. He’s a kid too, but he has to continue growing up too fast for everyone around him.

“Petey okay?” Morgan asks, crawling onto the couch next to him.

He blinks back the sleep that tries to take over his vision and forces himself up into a sitting position. “Yeah, I’m good, Momo, just a little tired. You want breakfast?”

“Pancakes!” she exclaims, hopping up onto her feet again. “With chocolate chips! And juice pops!”

Peter smiles and drags himself to his feet again. He slept for maybe an hour, trying to finish his reading for English along with all the projects he has to complete before midterms.

He gets Morgan situated at the table with a coloring book while he makes a batch of pancakes for them, setting aside a few for Tony.

“I’ll be right back down, alright?” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Eat up and then go get dressed, alright? I’ve gotta drive you to the city in a few hours for your appointment with Miss Sarah.”

Thankfully, he got his driver’s license before the snap, so he can take her to her therapy sessions in the city three times a week, along with play dates, birthday parties, grocery shopping, and everything else Peter has to remember.

Morgan obediently shoves another piece of pancake in her mouth and grins up at him.

Tony’s room is dim, only the warm lamp light filling the room.

“I brought you breakfast and a coffee,” Peter murmurs, settling them down on the nightstand. Some days, Tony’s better at pretending for Morgan’s sake at being okay. Today’s not one of those days.

He opens the thick curtains and pushes the window open, letting in some spring air, before cautiously touching Tony’s shoulder. He’s awake but unresponsive.

“Mister Stark?” Peter tries. He grabs the coffee off the nightstand and offers it out to Tony.

But his foot catches on the edge of the bed and the coffee spills over the white sheets.

The reaction is instant.

“Fucking hell, Parker!” Tony shouts, shoving the sheets off his legs to avoid burning his skin. “Had to go fuck this up too?”

“Mister Stark, I was just- I was just trying to help,” Peter says, caving into himself as he tries to clean up the coffee with his own sweater sleeves. It burns at his skin, but he doesn’t stop, movements panicky and shaking.

Tony shoves at his hands, getting to his feet. “Haven’t you done enough?”

Peter would’ve preferred it to be screamed at him, to be grabbed and shaken, to be punched. But it’s said quietly, cold, and something breaks in his chest.

“I was just trying to help. I’m sorry,” Peter repeats, blinking back tears. “It was an accident.”

“An accident? A fucking accident?”

Tony looks angrier than Peter had ever seen him. Angrier than the day of the ferry. Angrier than when he found out about the warehouse. Angrier than the day of Pepper’s funeral when he threw a fit.

“I’m sorry, Mister Stark.” It seems to be the only thing computing in his brain, anger slowly simmering because he doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to be shouted at after all the work he’s constantly putting into the family, after taking over all of Tony’s responsibilities.

“Stop fucking apologizing!” Tony shouts, throwing his hands up in anger. “Stop fucking things up! Stop being a fucking nuisance! I don’t need you to bring me coffee and breakfast like I’m- like I’m a damsel in distress!”

Peter goes to snap at him, opens his mouth to shout that if Peter weren’t here, Morgan would be all by herself. That if he stopped being a ‘nuisance’, Tony would’ve starved to death and Morgan would’ve been alone because Tony isn’t being much of a role model right now.

But a quiet, “Petey?” stops him from going farther than opening his mouth.

“It’s okay, Momo, you wanna meet me at the car? I just gotta finish this up, alright? And then I’ll go take you to see Miss Sarah.”

“Daddy?” Morgan tries again, searching their faces for help, for some sort of clue for what to do.

But Tony doesn’t say anything. Just stands there, chest heaving for breath and tears burning at his eyes. So Peter takes the responsibility, like he always does.

“He’s okay, Mo, just sick, ‘member?” Peter says. “Go put on your shoes, okay? Meet me out at the car. You can choose which ones you want to wear.”

This seems to catch her attention because Peter hasn’t let her wear her sparkly new light-up shoes because of all the spring mud. She takes off from the doorway, disappearing from their views.

“Peter, I- I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“I’m going to take Morgan to the city,” Peter interrupts, trying his best to blink back tears. “She has an appointment with her therapist and it’s grocery day, so…”

It’s not Tony’s fault, Peter repeats in his head, he’s just grieving.

But there’s only so many times you can play the grief card, especially as an adult. There’s only so much Tony can do before it becomes inexcusable.

“Kid-”

“I’m seventeen,” Peter says, too much anger and venom filling his voice because Tony hadn’t been there for Peter’s seventeenth birthday after they got back from the Snap in late July. Tony hadn’t left this bed that day. Morgan didn’t know it was his birthday, nobody could take care of her, so Peter spent his birthday doting on Morgan like he was her parent, like always.

Tony flinches, sitting on the edge of his bed and cradling his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry, kid, I know I’ve been… I’ve been awful, I just-”

“It’s hard, I know,” Peter says, trying so hard to keep the bitterness from his voice. “I know what grief is like.”

Eyes wild and upset, Tony looks up from his hands, something too similar to the anger from before burning in his expression.

“You didn’t lose everything!” Tony says. “She was- Pep was my everything.”

It’s not his fault, Peter repeats like a mantra. It’s not his fault he thinks his grief is the end of the world, like the worst thing to have ever happened, grief has its ways of working like that.

“Well you have a daughter who lost her mom and now she’s lost her dad too because you won’t even show your face!” It’s a low blow and he hates himself for it, but he’s so sick and tired of carrying everything by himself. “She’s got me right now, and that’s it. All she’s got is a nuisance who can’t stop fucking up.”

The words to their job though. The anger from Tony’s face disappears like it was never there in the first place.

“Peter-”

“I think it would be better if I took Morgan and we stayed at May’s for the night,” Peter says. He has to be the adult.

He doesn’t want to leave Tony. Grieving alone. But he’s not going to let Morgan stay in a house that could be dangerous. Not that he doesn’t trust Tony, but he doesn’t want Morgan to be yelled at for any mistakes, not like he was.

And this is the breaking point for Peter. He’s spent months doing everything in his power to make sure Morgan and Tony are okay, but Tony hasn’t made any efforts to meet him halfway. All he’s done is throw anger and give the cold shoulder.

Peter knows what grief does to people. He’s seen it firsthand. When May lost Ben, the same scenario as Tony losing Pepper, May took care of Peter. She made sure that Peter was okay, and she got them both therapists and she met everything headstrong and chin held high. She grieved but she never made Peter feel like he wasn’t important, she never made Peter feel like a nuisance.

“Kid-”

Peter shakes his head, steels himself, and heads out of the cabin, refusing to look back.

*Peter waits in his car during Morgan’s session with Miss Sarah and cries.

And he knows he looks like a mess when he goes in to pick her up ninety minutes later.

Miss Sarah sees it immediately and she ducks her head to look at him properly, worry creasing her face.

“Are you alright?” she asks.

On one hand, the last thing he needs is to be scrutinized by a therapist, but on the other hand, she’s the first adult who’s sounded like they genuinely cared about his well being since the snap’s reversal.

Just that alone makes him want to break down.

“I’m okay, yeah. Just a rough morning, I guess,” he murmurs, trying to get a hold of himself. “Is Morgan doing alright?”

“She’s making stellar progress, Peter, but I’m worried about you and about Tony. From what Morgan tells me, you’re under a lot of stress.”

Peter shrugs, trying to look nonchalant as he looks over Sarah’s shoulder into her office where Morgan’s finishing up a coloring. “Tony’s dealing with a lot right now, so I’m stepping in as a caretaker, I guess. It just takes its toll.”

“You know it’s not your responsibility to take care of her, right? You’re not the adult,” she says. “You’re shaking, honey, do you want to sit down?”

He shoves his trembling hands into his hoodie pockets. “We should really be going. We’ll see you Sunday?”

“Of course,” Sarah replies, looking back at Morgan. “You know, I can always talk to you as well. I’ve always got room in my schedule for you, Peter.”

And Peter nods like he’d really accept the offer.

Instead, he takes Morgan’s hand, leads her out to the car and takes off to May’s apartment, refusing to let the tears bubble over.

They do, as they always do, you can’t stop tears forever.

Luckily, the tears wait until Morgan’s tucked into Happy’s arms and May’s got her arms around Peter.

And he breaks.

His head falls onto her shoulder and her arms wrap around his waist, soft shushing noises escaping her mouth as she looks over at Happy for help.

“Tony, he- I just- May, I can’t- I can’t do it anymore,” he cries. When the words start, they never seem to stop. “I fucked up and he yelled at me. He told me- He told me I was being a nuisance, that I shouldn’t be there anymore. He- I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t leave Morgan.”

“C’mon, kiddo, let’s go play in Petey’s room, okay?” He hears Happy say, leading Morgan out of the foyer.

Peter can’t stop shaking, can’t stop crying, can’t stop sinking under the weight of the world on his shoulders. “I can’t do it anymore. I can’t sleep and I can’t eat and I’m so tired, May. I’m so tired. Please, I can’t-”

“This never should’ve been put on you, kid,” May says, voice soft and gentle. She steadies him and leads him to the couch, letting him curl into her side. “It’s not your job to be the adult, to be Morgan’s parent. That’s not on you.”

“I just wanted to help,” Peter says, feeling pathetic and messy, like his whole being has been torn to pieces and strung across the world.

May nods, tipping her head down to look at him properly. “Get some rest, baby. We’ll take care of Morgan and I’ll call Tony, okay? He’s going to come through.”

Peter sobs, hiding his face in shame. “I can’t, May, I can’t sleep. I always have nightmares of- of Titan or the war or- I just- Please, I can’t sleep-”

“Peter, honey, I know you’ve gotten used to doing this alone, but I’m here now. If you have nightmares, I’ll be here to help.”

And that’s what he needed.

He needed an adult to tell him it would be okay. To hold him close and tell him that he didn’t have to do it all on his own. And May was there, she always was.

“Rest, honey. It’ll all be better soon, I promise.”

It had been weeks since he’d gotten good rest, always up at dawn for Morgan and always awake until the early hours of morning for Tony or schoolwork. His eyes closed on their own accord, slipping shut as May pulled a blanket around his shoulders.

And he believed her. He trusted her. He was still just a kid and when an adult says it’ll be okay, it has to be, right?

*He wakes crying, hands fumbling in the air to fight an invisible threat, but his hands are caught in the air.

“Hey, hey, hey, you’re alright, take a breath.”

And that certainly wasn’t May’s voice or even Happy’s.

“Tony?” Peter asks, voice breaking as the tears refused to slow.

“I’m here, kiddo, I- I’m sorry. I couldn’t possibly be more sorry than I am now. I really messed up and I’m going to fix it, alright?”

The living room is still bright, thankfully. Peter doesn’t know if he told anybody about his fear of the dark ever since he was dusted, but he’s glad he doesn’t have to spill those secrets now.

“I can’t do it anymore,” Peter admits through his tears, sniffling miserably as he pins Tony’s hand between Peter’s cheek and the cushion, closing his eyes. “I can’t do it.”

But Tony nods. He doesn’t get angry or upset or even push Peter away. “I know, kiddo, I’m sorry you had to do it in the first place. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I’m going to get better, okay? I’m going to fix this now. Sarah is setting me up with my own therapist and I’m going to start being a better parent, okay?”

“I’m sorry too,” Peter says. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I shouldn’t have taken your kid and left you. I should’ve kept going, been stronger, I just- I couldn’t-”

The silence that follows scares Peter more than he’d like to admit, blinking his eyes open as more tears spill down his cheeks and his trembling hands grab onto Tony’s sleeve.

“Please don’t- I can’t- Are you mad at me? Do you hate me? I shouldn’t have- I was trying so hard and I still wasn’t good enough-”

Tony’s thumb runs over Peter’s cheekbone, gently brushing away the tears. “I could never hate you, kiddo. You were so strong, so much stronger than I could’ve ever been, even if you shouldn’t’ve had to be. If anything, you should be mad at me, not viceversa. I saw the things you were doing for Morgan-”

“It was nothing.”

“You drove an hour into the city three times a week for her therapy. You did all the groceries, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, everything. Morgan even told me about her birthday party that you planned for her. You worked nonstop and all I did was be an ass to you. You had sticky notes all over your walls to remind you of the things you were doing like fucking dance lessons with Morgan. You went to mom-and-daughter dance lessons with Morgan every weekend. Don’t tell me that’s not nothing.”

“You should see our routine,” Peter says, laughing wetly. “I wear a bright pink tutu and everything.”

Tony offers a gentle smile. “You’re my kid too, Pete, not Morgan’s parent. You should be in high school with Ted and the scary girl, going out as Spider-Man, dealing with all the trauma you’ve thrown on the backburner, not taking care of the things I should’ve been doing.”

“You’re going to get better?” Peter asks, throat tightening.

“Yeah, kiddo. I think you and Morgan will stay here for a little bit while I work on getting myself in a better headspace, but May and Happy are going to be your parents, not you. And when I get better, I’m going to take over, alright? You can relax now.”

Peter hesitantly shuffles over on the couch, making space for Tony next to him with a tentative smile.

And Tony doesn’t hesitate to curl up beside Peter and hold his kid close. “Thank you for everything you did for me and Morgan, kid.”

“It’s what Pepper would’ve done.”

“I love you, you know that? And so did she, even if she was worse at admitting it than I was. She was the one who bought the matching Big Brother/Little Sister t-shirts for you two. She wanted you apart of the family as much as I did.”

“I love you too, Tony.”

This is compromise. This is Tony meeting Peter halfway. This is the first step in the right direction. And Peter believes the promises that everything will be okay. He wouldn’t trade the past few months for the world. He loves Morgan and Tony too much for that.

#lyss answers #lyss writes #irondad #Irondad and Spiderson #irondad fic #peter parker #parent peter parker #not really i guess but technically #big brother peter parker #morgan stark #someone needs to stop me

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babblingbat · 6 years

Text

Various Characters I meant to post Months ago

Various Characters of mine

I have so many I want to write (some) of them down! This is a suuuuuper long post so more under the cut! Includes a spy, a crime lord/activist, and a bargaining warlock (I have to reblog this later bc tumblr threw a hissy fit about the length)

- Kinda in a Bond-esque spy agency, but more of a contractor

- When everything goes to shit, you can count on them to fix it

- Nonbinary protege of whoever is in charge of the tech division (Mezza? Sloane? Dixon? idk, but they have a hell of a shady past and there’s like… noooothing that can keep Sloane out of computer systems)

- X isn’t formally recognized by APO (authorized personnel only, the spy agency) but they do have access to all information because of a backdoor Sloane made

- So I guess the name is Sloane

- Anyways, X goes on the black ops of black ops, typically with either mercenaries or no back-up at all

- Thus trust issues and like the opposite of dependency - they have so much trouble asking for things but are willing to help anyone or offer material assistance - if they have it

- X is nonbinary and really doesn’t have any preferences on pronouns, as long as they aren’t he/him or she/her

- They’re also autistic and shut down if there’s too much loud noise or if they’re just too tired for some reason - sometimes this means going nonverbal or just Not Functioning and their favorite way to feel better is to sit on the ground, wrap themselves in a blanket and listen to music - so in conclusion they don’t really use guns unless there’s a silencer, and they aren’t v good with them

- A huge part of their espionage function is language!

- They speak German, Spanish, Japanese, FSL, and ASL all idiomatically

- They also speak Russian, French, and Afrikaans, but not fluently

- They can swear and count to ten in Korean and Czech

- They’re pursuing a PhD in computational linguistics, though APO gets in the way

- They’re 24, and have a bizarre set of skills because both of their job, previous jobs and jobs they hold as a cover to pretend they pay their taxes, and special interests

- Sloane is only 7 years older than them, and recruited X out of high school

- At first it was small things, like ‘pick up this book from Elm Street and drop it at Main’ but it got bigger after they graduated

- When X turned 18, they went through formal training - protocol, combat, and analysis

- They’d done some martial arts before hand, but not much punching, mostly kicking, throws, and staffs (5 and 6 feet)

- X’s main job is to clean up messy situations, usually by stealing things or extractions, and their own ops are less combat oriented than the clean ones

- X is not the best at math, not by a long shot, but they can see patterns from a mile away

- “I am the fact guardian, guardian of the facts!” “Puzzles quiver before them!” “FUCK OFF”

- They do simple division when bored and solve a lot of math things by finding patterns and using them

- X is both their designation in the agency (as in ‘x factor’) and their actual name- they use an alias for college

- They live with a few people, most of whom complain at their erratic sleep schedule and ask that please, for the love of god, X gets sleep meds and just a solid 8 hours, for once

- Sloane eventually sends X on an op to extract Mel, Sloane’s girlfriend and top operative

- X doesn’t know what to tell Mel, so mostly they just tell them that things will be answered later

- Mel asks Sloane, who reluctantly explains X’s role, and this sets some things into motion of X eventually being brought into the spotlight

- They have several hearings about their activities

- Eventually, Seville (who runs things? I guess) tells them to carry on as they do, reporting directly to Sloane, but they are recognized now by the APO

- There are three other things I want to fit in:

- Goes missing for [period of time], leaving a very close friend behind, comes back after being presumed dead and no memories, apparently solved a conspiracy and now has many illegal friends who all enjoy thievery

- Magic is a thing (because it wouldn’t be my words if it wasn’t lmao) and common enough that people know it exists but rare enough that it’s kinda intimidating and sometimes people will freak out about it, despite plenty of people having it.

X has/develops magic at some point but is terrified to tell anyone and tries to hide it from their team (which is now their family, love that trope) because they don’t want to be barred from the APO, but it comes out accidentally during a mission

- X’s infodumping saves the day somehow

The Celestian

- K so this is more about an organization, but the Celestian lives in a like a 1920s fantasy setting and likes dancing

- They run a social activism group masquerading as a crime network that uses queer bars and stuff as fronts

- To get money, they dance competitively with their bodyguard and d8m8, the BFF (butch femme fatale) who identifies as a nb lesbian

- To get into any of the places where actual political dismantling and activism happens, who have to have very specific patterns on your nails - nail painting is a method of communication and is also a huge teambuilding exercise

- There are different codes for everything

- When cops try and get in (they can only find the places if they have a member of the Queer Folk), the code is “blue denim” and then the person caught tells the police they need nail polish and then laugh as they get caught, as if they were bullshitting the whole thing

- Other things are called “10:50 am” which looks like a sleepy eye

- Or “songbird rhapsody” which is also a popular song that the Celestian sings at clubs

- Or “money” which is just a green splotch on all the nails

- If you’re a member of the Queer Folk, you get a crate monthly of money and nail polish, and special things on birthdays and holidays

- The Queer Folk do everything from organize protests to take kids in and try to pay for their education through crime - as in robbery from different places

- Their crimes always have a certain flair to them - they value creativity and snazziness

- The Celestian is like 5’ 3” (which, to be fair, is 3 inches taller than I am) and the BFF picks them up a lot

- They don’t like alcohol or caffeine but drink herbal tea 24/7

- If they don’t, something is very, very wrong

- They have a prosthetic leg

Red

- Literally in high school

- A warlock! They traded their gender and all “gender identifying features” to a trans demon for magic powers

- The demon mostly asks them to get coffee and stuff because the demon isn’t very good at bargaining and just wanted Red’s gender, but it’s expected of a patron to keep using the warlock for things

- (on the demon phone) “hey so this is super duper important and if you could get it in the next half hour that’s the best thing”

“what is it”

“alright so go to the corner of Lincoln and Greenleaf, turn three times to your right, once to your left, and a door should open behind you. Don’t try to turn towards it, just fall backwards”

“if I fall onto poison ivy or concrete I’m breaking my fucking contract”

“No, no no no, you’ll appear in that good good heaven spot”

“… the coffee shop?”

- Red focuses on science in their school

- Every interaction is a deal. E V E R Y I N T E R A C T I O N

- Breakfast? “I’ll give you the salt if you hand over the pancakes”

- Entering a building? “Hold the door open and I’ll give you praise”

- School? “You want me to tell you what I do in my spare time? Give me an A on my midterm and I’ll tell you”

- The last one has left a lot of teachers confused and more than a little scared of the silly little nerd in their class

- Honestly, they have straight A’s because they make deal after deal about grades. They never cheat on tests, but they make deals, hold people to them, and know what they’re doing

- Red’s demon is getting a little worried with all the deals

- Red is most accustomed to deals rather than anything else because they think that unequal exchange (i.e., gifts) is really suspect

- That said, Red has no problems altering “equal” exchange to benefit them

- If they ever became a business owner, they would be terrifying

- They want everything to turn out the best it can for every one but… are not fans of laws

- They have many Opinions on law, its enforcement, and the government

- That cousin that will tell you constantly about how the government is corrupt and should be rebooted with the youngest people as the primary interest

- Anarchy? Not quite, but revolution? Most definitely

- No angst, just high school silliness and chaos

- Has no idea what’s going on 90% of the time - a kid on a sportsball team did something amazing, people started treating him like shit for adults liking him, and Red had no idea until like 3 months later

- Red just kinda lives in their head

- Did they hear what you just said? Nah, but they sure did hear that wristwatch every time it clicked on the second.

- Likes the sound of adventure, but mostly gets lost in Ikea and makes deals with the eldritch monsters in the mattress section

- SUCH A SHITTY SENSE OF DIRECTION, COULD GET LOST IN A GRID WITH MAPS AT EVERY INTERSECTION

- Charismatic, but mostly in the sense of lying their ass off and persuading people

- Once tried to go a day without making a deal (on a dare), ended by making a deal to not have to ever do that again

- Businesses both hate and love them - they pay for nothing but will bargain away odd things of equivalent value every time and catch shoplifters, dislikes shoplifters because it’s not a fair trade

- Bizarrely good luck with finding things in pockets, particularly to “pay” for things

#my ocs #red (oc)#X (oc)#the celestian #crime #warlock #dnd #d&d #dungeons and dragons #there was another dude that was supposed to be in this collection sort of thing but tumblr screamed at me when I tried to add them so ¯\_(ツ)#my writing #how am i supposed to tag again #please ask me about these kiddos #thanks

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dearbagelgirl · 6 years

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Dear Bagel Girl

damn what a day...

I woke up and really debated about going to class lmao :( i didnt pay attention much and i knew some stuff about what she was saying but meh. I was reading your email instead and smiling and shit :]

Afterwards, instead of doing homework or napping like i usually do in between my classes, I went to eat asap and finish my lab that’s due in the beginning of my class. And then in lab my eye was twitchy and shit and im like kill me. I was knocking out

Then I ran home and knocked out for like 40 mins and fuck i woke up right when it was getting good. And went to work. It was a gameday so I expected to die but it wasnt so bad because today we actually had more workers than usual and it was lit cause I worked with my dude Michael who I never really work with and we WERE GETTING SHIT DONE.

I came home at 9:30 and rn (it’s 10:30) im in Martha’s room just chilling and talking...

I’m debating what to do. Idk if i can get coffee ... i shouldnt cause then I wont sleep and i’ll forsure die tomorrow during my midterm. But im debating how late to stay up. I forsure have homework to do and some of that homework is helping me study for my midterm but then IDK what to study and practice for tonight. Cause tomorrow I was hoping to go to the gym again but I think i should use that time to study..and I have to eat and do my shot and shower so its like fuck. AND my professor still has class before our midterm so its like CONLEY SERIOUSLY???

lmao i saw my professor on a date maybe? at my job lmao i was gonna say hi but he doesnt know me cause I’ve never really interacted with him but im like “you really having fun the day before our midterm?” smh

Anyways, okay about your foot..babe like this sounds bad? like go to the doctor? especially if its been a couple of days. is there anything noticeable on your foot? like a bump? if not like..idk but maybe you should go to the doctor if it keeps hurting and if the pain gets worse.

and oh okay..so like lMAO ima tell you this cause its funny of how Diane reacted to this and stuff. I hope you dont get upset but i hope you laugh and dont worry <3.. so idk if you remember but I think i mentioned her in a blog post before about this girl in my lab, Elizabeth. I text her for lab shit and just the class in general. And then she asked for my snapchat and im like yeah here its cool. And im like yeah I should make more friends especially in this class where i can die. And then the next day after i gave her my snapchat (this was like last week i think or maybe 2 weeks ago) i saw her in lab and she was very talkative and im like okay cool we’re talking more about other shit besides lab. And then she just got really close and im like personal space? and then in lab, im listening to what my TA is saying and I have my arm resting on the desk. And all of a sudden, she holds like my arm/hand and im like 0.o and i feel really fucking uncomfortable so i give her a look like wyd and then im like “oh she’s probably just trying to look at my watch to see the time” but then its like theres a clock on her computer and she could’ve just asked instead of holding my hand for more than 10 seconds. And when i make my face, she’s like “oh haha I wanted to see THE TYPE of watch you had” and im like “oh..yeah it’s Neff” and im like wtf...you could’ve asked though why you holding my hand..and then..fuck she said some other shit like “your snaps are so funny” and now idk if you’ve seen the new sc update but its ugly and also hard to see people’s stories now AND SHE’S ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE TO SEE MY SHIT and im like lol its nothing its nothing. But then I told Sandra this and she’s like “she’s trying to do something” and im like NO DONT SAY THAT IM UNCOMFORTABLE AND I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE A FRIEND. And then she’s been saying little things and im like either you just dont understand what you’re doing or you do. And it’s like I post you on my story and i told Sandra “she should know i have a gf..i’ve posted it all over my sc and Im gonna mention my girl next chance I get”

Anyways lmao so I tell Diane..and she’s like “WTF TELL THIS STRAIGHTY TO BACK OFF” AND I STARTED DYING LMAO “STRAIGHTY” and she’s like “MMMM JOCELYN MAY NOT BE HERE TO DO SOMETHING BUT I AM. I LIKE JOCELYN. SHE STAYS. TELL THIS LITTLE FRIEND OF YOURS TO STOP” and yeah I WAS DEAD. But the girl has been chill finally cause I mentioned you and yeah i love you <3 but yeah that’s the thing its nothing big

LMAO today my coworker Daniel came up to me like “aye Vick..how real you feeling?” and i started dying and im like “whats up? what you need?” and hes like “..can you cover some of my shift Saturday?” and i said yeah :( smh so now im working WACk

btw, idk how but let me know how we should fill out this form. email? and then I can just drop it off? or? :o

I really miss you beautiful :( so much

I love you. I hope you had a good day <3 thanks for sending me your freckles

-ya know who it is

February 15, 2018

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sourpatchstarkids · 7 years

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*plays that sound that indicated urgent news in the past*

i have no urgent news i just like that noise

anyways!!! some actual updates 4 you guys

last saturday and this saturday i’ve been/will be gone bcus im helping my hs theatre teacher judge forensics comps!!! i miss going to those but judging is super fun for me and i never broke to semis/finals so this is in a way even more interesting!

so i have no sit-down finals this semester but i do have:

a 20 page research paper and 15 minute presentation on an influential gay rights person in america, due end of april

a paper due tuesday on growing up as a female and how i’ve been affected by it; good news is she doesn’t need any sources so i can just grab that shit from my ass and go to town

a phonology lab due wednesday, a quiz in early april, and an ongoing term paper due end of april

four or five more poems to write and revising 10 total for a final portfolio

so needless to say i’ve been a bit busy!!! i’m not worried about any of my finals except for phonology bcus i’m still having a hard time with it

but speaking of class. holy shit y’all. so my poetry workshop is a once a week class and each class, we do some writing exercises and/or discuss a book of poetry we had to read, turn in a poem for next week, and critique everyone’s poem from last week. and i’ve said it before but it is a truth universally acknowledged that every creative writing workshop has to have a douchebag in it. ESPECIALLY poetry workshops. so of course i have one in my class. and so far he hasn’t been terrible, just kinda pretentious and a little rude but nothing too bad. but his poems are... not-good weird like i’m always uncomfortable reading them and not in a “i understand the poetic merits of my discomfort” way like just pretty reliant on shock value.

so.

this week we were critiquing our poems and his comes up and normally we have one person read the poem out loud then have the poet do so. but this time my prof’s like “why don’t you just read it yourself it’ll go faster” and i think he was a little confused/pissed about that but whatever bcus the actual reason my prof said that was bcus the poem was just super not-okay. i’m not going into detail but it was pretty clearly about a topic that wasn’t appropriate for student writing in the first place, much less a class with 13 girls and a female professor who has a daughter. and he finished reading it and normally i would wait a few seconds to see if anyone else wanted to say something and then speak about the poem in terms of craft and not subject matter. but this time i was already feeling off ((more on that later)) so i wasn’t gonna say anything but it was. dead silent. for at least a minute. no one would say anything about the poem (which was actually a prose piece instead of a poem but regardless) so i just jumped in like “i can’t really talk about the poem technically because the subject matter is super inappropriate and i’m not comfortable acknowledging it” and another girl (who im in love w/ her name is athena how badass??? anyway) said a few things about the format of the poem but like that was it. and my prof was saying her bit and trying really carefully to be like “there’s a line dude and you crossed it” but politely

so he tries to interrupt a few times to defend his choices, but another thing we do in class is make the poet wait until the very end to talk like no interjections or explanations during the critiques. and my prof pointed this out and he was getting super pissy about it even though it wasn’t a thing on him for once and when its his turn to speak he like super dramatically turns around and puts his stupid fucking hat on and says s/t like “well if you’re not gonna respect what i have to say i guess i’m done here” and fucking???? leaves??? in the middle of class like don’t get me wrong i’m glad i didn’t have to be near him anymore but he was just so fucking mad we called him out for writing about an inappropriate subject.

so he leaves and my prof’s just like “okay. i’m sorry about that guys i wasn’t sure how this was going to go i should have just gotten rid of his poem in the first place” and we talked for a bit about it then moved on with class. and i honestly don’t know if he’s gonna come back to class or not i sure as fuck hope not but it’s way past midterms so who knows

wow this is getting long but i got more to say so thx for reading so far ily

so EARLIER in that class before the whole tantrum we were talking about this book of poetry we had to read and at the end of the discussion our prof played a video of the poet performing a poem of his to an audience, some conference or something idk, and like most of the poems in his book he was talking about death and reacting to someone close to you dying and normally i’d be fine with that but he mentioned something that was so so similar to what happened with my grandpa and i knew i was gonna start crying so i left and tried to calm myself down and it took like a good 10 minutes maybe and i talked to the prof about it so it’s not like i missed anything but being sad is still so fucking exhausting and that kinda drained me for the rest of class

even though i’m typing not talking i feel the need to catch my breath whats up w/ that

and my prof only has office hours once a week for an hour, so i went today because i had some questions about my revisions, and we ended up talking about the class in general, and she said how grateful she is that i’m in her class and my dedication to it, and that she loves reading my work, and it was all very good for my ego n stuff

um um what else i got a dorm room for next year! so no more summer-long stress about that lmao buuuuuuuut i think thats about it!!!

again tysm for reading, ily, stay safe and hydrated <33

#this week has been a Week and i still got three more days to it #life of sam update #sam's doing college

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jiminspromise-remade · 6 years

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okay so...Basically i have this group of friends, we’ve known each other since high school freshman year. We moved to the same city after graduation but we all go to different unis. In the group there’s this guy, S. Before uni started, we used to hang out all day, everyday. Me and him especially, we got even closer than we were in hs bc we helped each other with the whole moving away thing, and we talked about deep stuff and shit. Me and the others, say C and B, we supported him through so much.

2 When S came out as gay in senior year, me and C used to get into huge fights because our other friends were really homophobic. As for B, who is a straight guy, he still remained friends with S even though he had a crush on him. And considering how homophobia is ingrained in our culture, finding a guy who not only would accept you as gay but also not get weirded out by you having a crush on him is almost impossible. But now, as soon as S started making friends in his uni, he started to

3 progressively blow us off more and more. Now don’t get me wrong, uni is keeping all of us busy, and we don’t have the same schedule, but me and C/B make an effort to see each other at least on the weekends, and during the week we call each other. Like no matter how busy you are you can make time to call at least once a week to ask your best friend how they’re doing. But S doesn’t. Not only does he not call, but he started to blow us off every time we’d ask him to hang out. Two weekends he said

4 (i think lmao) he said he’d call us to hang out later that day (after WE called first), and he didn’t. The next weekend we invited him again and he blew off saying he had to study (mind you, we were studying. It’s not like we’re a bad influence, when we have a lot of work to do we just go study together in a coffee shop all day even tho we don’t study the same thing, and we told him that and he said no). After that we decided not to call him anymore and see how long it would take for him to

5 do so. Two weeks passed, nothing. But we see on snap that he’s constantly hanging out with his uni friends, like from morning till he leaves the club the next day at 5 AM. You can see people you just met 4/5 times a week but in a MONTH you didn’t have time to call your best friends ONCE ?. I’m so disappointed because you know, we’re in a new country and literally all the stable got ripped out of my life and i thought i could have someone to count on. I’m not saying he should stay alone in uni

6 or anything but like… divide your time ? Idk what to do cause i’m going to his house to give him some things back but he’s acting like nothing happened. Idk if i should confront him or just act cold ? I’m scared to confront him because after that… there’s nothing else to say like it’s the end of the friendship you know ? Like if he realised his mistake by himself and came and apologised okay but if i tell him…. Anyways take care of yourself don’t stress too much (easier said than done but

don’t neglect yourself) and thanks for listening idk but cause you’re like a year older than me and you always give such great advice i always wanna come to you when i have smth going on but yeah i wish you all the luck on your midterm💕💕 (and sorry for the hella long ask)

its under a read more bc ive got…….. some things to say

what your friend is doing is just…… not right lol. i also have a similar experience with… friends not dividing their time so i know how you feel :// its unfair for him to be meeting with others most of the time and cant even spend a few minutes to reply to you?? that doesnt sound like someone you can really count on anymore tbh. if he fluctuates like that throughout his friend groups, hes not gonna have anyone left. if he thinks “ill just go to the group i find… better” then realistically…. he rly isnt gonna have any close friends left?? if he treats people like that then everythings just gonna be short term and for what?? some attention and fun??

imo i think you should confront him about it. he deserves to know what hes been doing and how hes been making things difficult for you. its unfair that hes acting like he didnt do anything that has affected you greatly like this. he should know what his mistakes are so that he can fix himself. help him realize that wht hes doing isnt healthy and that its not going to benefit anyone in the end. like yeah uni can be lonely, but long lasting friends that you cant see that much bc youre so busy >>>>>>>>>>>>> short term friends you can see more often but have a shallow connection to.

people say that the end of high school is when you realize who your real friends are and thats true, but you will still be going through that process in uni. its all about dividing your time and COMMUNICATING. i know it sounds like its common sense but!!! communicating!! with people!!! is so important!!!! let them know how you feel!! dont beat around the bush!!! if something they did hurt your feelings, let them know so that it doesnt happen again!!! apologize to each other for the right reasons!!! we’re in uni, we’re all growing to become adults/we already are young adults, its time to act mature about things u know?? we arent 15 anymore. we should be constantly be learning and growing and if someone cant handle “oh what you did rly hurt me” and they take it personally and think theyve dont nothing wrong?? that is Not growth and thats not a friend you can work with. know each others faults and know your own faults. friends fight and thats just how it is but if you cant fight for ur friendship then like. whats the point

idk what your friends problem is, but if he has something to say then he should say it. idk why he thinks its okay to be treating people he should be considering as his best friends like that. hiding things from others rly isnt gonna do him any good. if he doesnt want to hang out with you guys anymore, so be it. as much as it hurts to lose such a close friend, if he doesnt want to put effort into it even after if you let him know what he’s doing, let him be. let him realize himself that he should have set his priorities striaght and treated you better.

#dont apologize for the ask!! its ok!!#im glad you were able to let it out somewhere #n thank u its just on ancient art n architecture so if i memorize enough monuments and statues i hope ill be ok shdjfdhsgfdkg #long post #anon #ask

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jibunjishin · 6 years

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hellO

i haven’t found the spare time in forever to just make a post and catch up with myself and how i’ve BEEN

i don’t think some people understand that idk how im honestly doing until i do something like this because i just go around doing the motions of life and whatever, not really having any time to feel, so i could be doing really bad for all i know but not be able to put a pinpoint on where it’s all coming from until i sit down for a sec. and while i can’t afford the time even now to do this, it’s super important so here i am!!!!

wow im super tired!!! in a physical way, where im fighting jet lag and general insufficient sleep hours. i actually fell asleep for like 2 hours today and then thought i’d take a ‘break’ until i felt ready and i actually haven’t felt ready. the last weeks of march i went into overdrive and SOMEHOW got everything done. one of my five classes is going really poorly, i’m scoring consistently below average and it’s ruining my self confidence, self esteem, just overall belief in myself and my abilities to finish my degree??? lmao. im very fragile ANYWAYS but on the other hand, I got a 91% on a paper for my public health class and a 98.5% on my midterm for another class! (which I’m p/nping! so it DOESN’T MATTER!! HAHAHH yay. *upside down smiley emoji*)

the point is things have been mixed bad and good results, but I’m really letting the bad overtake my whole mood. and i recognize that. acknowledge it. im not sure how to change my attitude about it though. i try to say it in my head that it’s ok and maybe eventually i’ll believe it but it’s ineffective and sometimes makes me feel worse. (also my friend in the class is KICKING BUTT he’s so good the professor gives him over 100% sometimes and im like ??? I can’t even get in the IQR... ya im jealous but happy for him OBVIOUSLY but I kinda feel like my professor has decided I’m a B-/C+ student bc I keep getting kinda the same grade, even though my latest assignment was not bad?? i went to a GSI’s OH and started it early and revised and whatever but got a 1% improvement. IDK THIS IS A LONG RANT/TANGENT I’m also not trying to be salty and be like “this professor sucks he’s not giving me As” because if I don’t deserve it I’m fine with that but ok anyways moving along) the point is, things are an OK average, so why can’t i be fine with that?

it’s partially because of these bad grades, but i’m also losing motivation to do my thesis at all. and like it’s necessary to finish an ES degree. it’s literally my last requirement and I’ve done all the other classes. but I just don’t know if I want to commit a whole year to doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s that like I’m lazy or trying to get out of it just because? if that makes sense? I don’t think it’s a bad reason. I can’t find anything I want to research. we’re actually doing literal research like not a research paper. we have to write a literal mini-dissertation and shit. i’ve been a content-absorber my whole life and I just think I’m too *simple* to make a discovery. like i’m not sure if i’m GETTING ACROSS THIS CONCEPT. WE HAVE TO SPEND THE SUMMER/FALL/some of spring bc that’s when it’s due DOING LITERAL RESEARCH and this thought gives me anxiety and i’ve cried a bit over it. it’s so daunting. and I’ve tried to talk to my gsi/professor about my fears and they’re like oh it’s fun! it’ll be okay! and i’m like NO you don’t understand?? and they’re like here let’s talk about what u can do and I feel like they’re actually not getting how afraid I am of this. I don’t want to quit my major over this... I took 9 classes for this already, and it’s just one year, two semesters, six units left. but I’m just realizing how I c a n n o t do this thesis. i’m not sure what i’d do? and you can’t bullshit this like a paper. i can’t do it overnight. i have a proposal draft for this due monday and I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO EXECUTE THIS IDEA I HAVE BECAUSE IT’S A SHITTY IDEA and wow I honestly don’t know how people do it. I’m going to my prof’s OH again this Friday and I’m really hoping he can HELP or maybe help me find an advisor because if I am doing this, there’s no way in hell I can do it alone. I don’t want it to be a pity-thing where they’re like ‘ok let me do this for u but u can put ur name on it so u can get the hell out of school’ like I actually DO want to do it but i CAN’T and I know that’s toxic, i should be like oh yeah i can do it! think of all the other ES undergrads who’ve done it, who are doing it, who will do it!! one of them is YOU!! but i’m actually so past that stage, i’m facing the reality of this deadline coming up and it’s looking really bad. really bad. i know this post has been a huge ole complaining mess but YOU KNOW WHAT i’m being honest with how i feel, even if i’m not proud of it.

i thought i got over my anxiety!! LMAO!! im sweating and the whole shebang just from writing this and thinking about my thesis. aasasoifnva. honestly i think the worst that can happen is I get a TERRIBLE grade in this class. I don’t think I can fail??? but I was okay with getting bad grades in the chem/physics classes but this one?? it’s a major req. like literally a class for JUST ES majors in spring semester of their junior year. i’m pretty sure i’m one of the lowest grades in the class based on the number of times my groups have been getting the low L O L and it’s very sad to see that i’m the one of the worst in my cohort. but anyways it’s just super disheartening like I said earlier.

so right now i’m in between feeling like it’s a waste to stop pursuing ES and it’s just another year, 6 units(, A WHOLE THESIS) to complete the degree. on the other hand, i don’t need this degree if I want to teach ES in high school, since I’m one class and a seminar away from finishing my other major. and I will get my credential at the end of my 5 years. so I don’t NEED it because teaching ES just requires a single subject credential and a bio CSET?? I don’t need it, so why put myself through the struggle and anxiety and dread and frustration and all those other wonderful feelings of self-loathing and depression? so i’m not sure what to do. I really am not.

thanks if you even read this far to my literal 3 followers. lmao. these really help me and thanks to myself for taking the time to write it, but I should get back to reality. i’m not sure what my plans are for the rest of tonight. i can try to keep pushing through with the thesis, move on to my research paper for my geography class, or cut my losses and go to bed or read or go back on youtube. i am sure that i am tired as fuck and ready to be done. actually done.

edit: I guess the real question is: what do I do now actually? I have major advising meetings with both my advisors this friday, plus office hours with my professor. do i melt down and be like PLEASE HELP ME because I see no other way other than quitting? at this point I think that’s what it is. get help or quit. I think it’s okay to be okay with knowing I can’t do it on my own two feet. but i know if i ask for help i’ll CRY and it’ll be sad and pathetic kinda but idk IDK I JUST DON’T KNOW

#musing

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wasraven · 7 years

Text

92 statements tag

uh hi i got tagged by @javajaeyoon (hi hi hi ive never talked to you but can we be friends?)

THE LAST:

1. Drink:

Water (wow im boring)

2. Phonecall:

Dad

3. Text message:

4. Song you listened to:

Shine Forever- Monsta X

(it’s good listen to it plz they need their first win)

5. Time you cried: yesterday night 6. Dated someone twice: um. nope 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: nah 8. Been cheated on: nope 9. Lost someone special: like death?? if not death tho um a few months ago i guess 10. Been depressed: i dont have depression but like just feeling down? like 2 days ago 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no (don’t drink)

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14:

blue, silver/gray, purple

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends:

yes so so many

16. Fallen out of love:

whats love im sry

17. Laughed until you cried:

so many times (a lot when i got too stressed tho)

18. Found out someone was talking about you:

definitely

19. Met someone who changed you:

doesn’t like everyone change you tho?? but yeah

20. Found out who your friends are:

im on my wayy

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list:

um facebook what is that ancient thing

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life:

um none ( facebook is not a Thing for me)

23. Do you have any pets:

yesyesyes guinea piggy

24. Do you want to change your name: when i was little a little bit but i like it now

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: studying for midterms and eating cake and cooking ramen with my friends 26. What time did you wake up: 7:00 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: thinking up prompts for mx and sf9 and streaming Shine Forever (plz help) 28. Name something you can’t wait for: when i get to see my friends again! and when SF9 and Monsta X get their first wins! and when i have more than 3 friends on tumblr lmao 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: this morning 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: being stressed and overthinking (also how smart i come off as) 31. What are you listening [to] right now: shine forever 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes. was he cute? idk man 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: when people aren’t direct 34. Most visited Website: tumblr and youtube and gmail and google docs 35. Elementary: done 36. High School: working on it 37. College: not there yet 38. Haircolor: “black” (brown, very light hair for an asian girl tho) 39. Long or short hair: mediumish its getting longer as i type tho. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: um not atm (there is a cellist i know who is...afjrngeo tho {guys cellists are the cutest always go for the cellists} 41. What do you like about yourself: my random energy (im very very similar to sf9′s inseong with a lot of kihyun thrown in) 42. Piercings: nah but i want like 6 ear piercings tho 43. Bloodtype: idk maybe A? 44. Nickname: Smiley. or chicken. 45. Relationship status: single. very single. 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: um. probably Knowing Bros (is that the right english god i hate translating) 49. Tattoos: none

50. Right or left: right 51. Surgery: nope nope nope 52. Piercing: already answered 53. Sport: various sports like volleyball and football and skating and frisbee (im not athletic tho sue me) 55. Vacation: what?? im confused. korea + japan + canada 56. Pair of trainers: nike nike nike (+converse)

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating:

58. Drinking:

green tea is good. so is black tea. and iced tea. and lemonade. so is starbucks (call me basic idc but i like starbucks the door is there if u dont)

59. I’m about to:

finish this tag, continue betaing, write something, fall asleep

61. Waiting for:

my life to appear

62. Want:

to be a better person

63. Get married:

definitely want to but i need a bf first?

64. Career:

something

practical: researcher, biochem, chemical engineering, mechanical engineer.

less practical: videographer, commercial director, cameraperson, video editing

practicality whats that and is money something you eat?: composer/arranger/producer, director, actor, photographer

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses:

hugshugshugs i live for human contact im super clingy

66. Lips or eyes:

eyes. all the way.

67. Shorter or taller:

taller

68. Older or younger:

older

70. Nice arms or nice stomach:

um arms plz i guess?

71. Sensitive or loud:

can it be both? i need two sides to a person (im both, btw)

72. Hook up or relationship

relationship all the way.

[im not completely sure if im just demisexual or ace but im definitely not aro]

73. Troublemaker or hesitant

a mix of both is cutee. (im a ‘goody-two-shoes’ that has a tendency to um... ‘bend’ rules)

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger:

nope. never will (i hope)

75. Drank hard liquor

nah.

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses:

dont have ‘em but if i did i’d lose them once a day minimum.

77. Turned someone down:

yes. they were creepy. creepy is a nO.

78. Sex in the first date

nope nope nope nope.

79. Broken someones heart:

probably not .

80. Had your heart broken

nah (only kinda hurt)

81. Been arrested:

82. Cried when someone died:

yeah (a pet)

83. Fallen for a friend:

i mean...no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself:

i don’t really have faith in myself but like apparently it looks like i do cause i seem confident??

85. Miracles:

yup

86. Love at first sight:

ugh yes but no.

87. Santa Claus:

kiiinda (fite me)

88. Kiss [on] the first date:

if im feeling it.:/

89. Angels:

heh

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: /privacy/ is a thing. so. um.

91. Eyecolor: brown dark brown the same color as my hair. 92. Favorite movie: anything from studio ghibli, really.

(Tag 20 People) ahahha yeah right do i even know 20 ppl?

i tag (u dont have to do it, also if u already did it ignore me): @impy96, @dearesthoney, @99hwis [im not gonna tag ppl i havent messaged bye]

#personal #general #hiiiiii world

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