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#I CANT SIT AND READ 300+ PAGES
kalims · 1 year
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the books on my shelf waiting to be read as they watch me read a fanfic:
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clockworkfall · 9 months
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thanks for the tag @cannabis-major !
hardcover or paperback?
hardcover- makes me feel better about carting books around, plus i think theyre easier to hold
bookstore or library?
bookstore, i like going to little used bookstores and seeing what i can find
bookmark or receipt?
bookmark, i generally use a notecard to mark my place so i can keep notes while im reading
standalone or series?
standalone, i have so much reading to do thats not just for me for fun, so being able to just read A Full Story on its own is nice
nonfiction or fiction?
fiction all the way, i really want to like nonfiction more but i just cannot stand most nonfiction writing; ive read a few good nonfiction books but i just do not find them as interesting. i like learning new things but i prefer doing the research myself
thriller or fantasy?
its a hard pick but i think fantasy, i enjoy a good thriller but a good fantasy makes me happier
under 300 pages or over 300 pages?
right now? under- i love long books, but the last few books ive been able to read for myself ive just sat down and read the whole thing in a sitting and its a bit easier to do that with shorter books
children's or ya?
ya, though i cant say ive been reading a lot of either one lately
friends to lovers or enemies to lovers?
enemies. i think its more interesting, and i have so many issues with romantic subplots in fiction and at least in enemies to lovers there just has to be work put in and we as the reader arent subjected to I've Been In Love With Them Since We Met But We're Just Friends So It's Going To Be My Entire Internal Monologue Even When There Are Far More Interesting/Pressing Things Going On. really i dont need either. honestly i think a lot of books would be better without romantic subplots, they just feel so forced to me
read in bed or on the couch?
couch- technically my reading chair, but either way i try to keep my bed for sleeping
read at night or in the morning?
honestly i cant pick- i always read something before bed, but on the weekends if i can i deeply enjoy just getting out of bed and reading for a few hours in the morning
keep pristine or mark up?
mark up. i used to be very particular about keeping my books in pristine condition, but now if the mood strikes me i like being able to go back and see what parts stood out to me. i think it shows a book is loved
cracked spine or dog ear?
for me neither. as much as i will write in a book, personally i just have never felt the need to dog ear a page, and i honestly dont understand why some people feel the need to crack the spine before reading it, but to each their own
i dont really know who to tag but anyone can feel free!
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realm-of-rosie · 3 years
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✎ Best Friends, Spilling Secrets Since Circa 300 BCE | Tokyo Revengers
↠ ❗Mentions of injuries + blood, mentions of being harrassed❗
↠ Mitsuya, Chifuyu, Draken × Reader
↠ Fluff | Scenarios
↠ Before You Read:
brb, trying to immerse myself so deep in the fandom so that i forget whatever traumatizing events occurred in the canon setting :)
↠ Rules for Requesting | Masterlist
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• mitsuya
nobody told you these bikers in matching bright neon orange suits with scowls and cigarettes would be lounging about the shortcut you assumed wpuld br safe, but here you are! pinned against a dirty wall by 3 men easily more than twice your size.
"this cant be all the money you have," one growls and it took everything in you to not burst out laughing at the uneven fringe his hair was shaped into.
"come on now, isnt cornering an innocent, defenseless person below you?" a slightly familiar voice asks and when the buffoons part, you see your savior, though you weren't sure where you had seen him before.
because of how hard you were trying to think, you didnt notice that the three had ran with their tails tucked between their legs and the kinda stranger and his friend were watching you in concern a comfortable distance away.
"thank you," you smile, "i'm just a little rattled, but you can be on your way, i'll be sure to repay you one day,"
"no need," the shorter stranger with light colored hair reassures you with his own smile before turning around, "come on hakkai,"
you still stood there, watching them walk away when the taller one groaned out, "that was a perfectly good chance to ask them out mitsuya! i thought you had a crush on them!"
"shut up," mitsuya punches the other playfully on the side.
mitsuya, mitsuya, mitsuya, you think, suddenly remembering the boy that quietly sits behind you in class.
"mitsuya!" you call out and when he faces you, you see the sheer panic in his eyes since he thought you heard what his friend said, but instead, you smile again, "i'll see you in class,"
this time it's your turn to walk away, and not that long after, you heard the pitter patter of running feet follow after you and soon, mitsuya was walking in step next to you, rubbing the back of his neck.
"say, can i walk you home?"
• draken
sometimes, you weren't sure whether or not you should take the things that mikey says seriously or not. he liked fooling around and messing around with his friends after all, roping them into his jokes and pranks and all that one can do to make another's life just a little more painful. in a loving manner, of course.
this time though, he was being particularly persistent and you couldnt help but think that maybe there's some truth to his words.
no, you shake your head to stop the influx of thoughts you were having, there's no way draken, of all people, actually likes you in a cheesy, romantic way, mikey must have finally lost it.
you missed the faint call of your name as you continue to fill the pages of your notebook with the notes the teacher left on the board but your ears perked up slightly at the heavy footsteps approaching you.
"oi," draken's voice sends a slight jolt of surprise through you.
"hmm - oof-" you turn your face towards him and instead you're met with something soft and squishy smothered against your face, "what is this?"
you grab it - realizing that the tall man purposely smushed it against your face and you glare playfully at him - to stare the plushie of your favorite animal in the face, noting the adorable angry expression sewn on its face.
"you like it?" draken asks gruffly, looking out the window to avoid your stare.
it felt like your entire class was holding their breaths, anticipating your answer.
"...i love it," you hug it against your chest, "thank you ken,"
"mhmm," he smiles a little, like a small smile reserved just for your eyes, before he pats your head and exits the room and almost immediately, most of the females and your friends in your class aww, gathering around your desk and hovering.
"he definitely has a crush on you," one comments, "did you see how he looked at you?"
you bury your nose deeper into the toy, cheeks growing warmer and warmer.
maybe mikey was right this time.
• chifuyu
chifuyu is a little stubborn. and by little, you mean extremely.
maybe it was just to you, because he seemed to get along swimmingly with everybody else and for the life of you, you can't figure out why he runs in the opposite direction of you every time you see him or why he declines your every attempt to assist him with something.
take now for example.
HOWEVER, you weren't about to let him not accept your efforts to patch up his wounds and bruises that he deemed not serious enough to go see a doctor about.
"quit squirming!" you hiss, straddling his midsection so he wouldnt stand up and walk away again.
"get off!" he raises his arms and flails them around, "you're crushing my, my spleen!"
"you don't even know where your spleen is!"
"ugh, just kiss already," baji whines from where he sat, wrapping a bandage around his arm with one hand, "it's getting exhausting to watch,"
"what the hell are you taking about baji?" you ask.
"well, chifuyu over there-"
"baji, don't you dare!" chifuyu's face starts to grow red, and he was being more persistent on getting out.
"then stop squirming and let them take a look at those bruises," baji smirks, "quit pretending you don't like it,"
that seemed to do the trick and chifuyu lay limp in the floor, looking away from you though.
"sit up please,"
wordlessly, he follows, allowing you to properly hold his chin in your hand and dab at the scratch with disinfectant.
"oh, i see!" mikey's eyes light up as draken lets out an amused huff, "you have a crush on them!"
"mikey!" chifuyu wails, making you grumble in displeasure when he pulls away from your grasp.
"i'm not finished," you remind him, and chifuyu timidly lets you grab his face again, "and this conversation isn't either,"
his face flushes even more, and if you strained your ears enough, you would hear baji let out a sigh and a silent, "finally,"
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thoi2020 · 3 years
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u have advanced??????? wow. tips to qualify mains please??? help me with my modules.how do i solve them?????????
hnnng idk bestie here's some short tips n like if u want something more specific u can send another ask or dm me?
pay attention in class. sit in the front. listen out for what things the teacher puts an emphasis on. ask questions. yes, even the stupid ones. especially the stupid ones bc those are fundamentals u cannot miss bc a shaky foundation leads to a shaky building. also pay attention to ur teachers. theyve been doing this since before u even knew about jee they know what theyre doing. most of them want whats best for u, and if not specifically that, whats best for them n their institute which are usually similar things. im not saying blindly trust them without criticism but have some faith. dont dismiss them they prolly know better than u. if id followed my teachers instructions i prolly wouldnt have had to drop (but thats a discussion for another day lol).
revise notes on a regular basis. like. the day u studied it in class. then the next day. then a week later. then 2 weeks later. then a month later. google the curve of forgetting for more accurate time stamps. use flashcards for formulae n stuff that u have to memorise like inorganic chem.
analyse past papers. recognise the most important topics. but also there are some small chapters that are quite easy and some people skip them thinking there wont be any questions from them. ive given 4 papers of mains, and i can confirm that is utter bullshit. 1 question each from units and measurements, mathematical reasoning, stats, chemistry in everyday life, polymers, are guaranteed. u can easily secure at least those marks by spending just a little bit of time on them. esp for jee mains its relatively better to cover a wide range of topics with medium depth instead of just some but with deep understanding (the latter works well for advanced tho).
make a friend or two whos in the same boat as u, preparing for jee n try to keep each other accountable. tell each other everyday what ure going to study that day n then check back the next day. remind each other hlep each other out. also be friendly with the class toppers sometimes they can solve ur doubts better than teachers just bc something they explain clicks better. whenever i get confused about logarithms i think back to what my 9th grade classmate told me when i asked him to explain in 1 sentence n had him repeat it slowly to me multiple times. its burned in my memory and helped me so much. 
practice tests. set the proper 3 hour limit and solve them. be honest w urself ure doing this for u. no point scoring 256/300 to impress ur teacher if u cheated bc on the day of the exam ure going to be screwed. in the beginning try out different strategies, different ones work for different ppl. like for me, math is my favourite and i find it easier than the other 2 so i do it first and it gives me confidence. then i move on to physics and then chem. some people look over the entire paper n solve the easiest from every section first, then the medium ones, then the tough ones. experiment in ur practice tests n figure out whats best for u n ur test taking. after the test, analyse. see what u got wrong, why u got it wrong. clarify doubts. mark problem questions to revise and solve again later. no point in solving more n more questions if theres no retention or learning.
for solving books specifically under the cut bc this is getting too long lol:
stick to 1 or 2 books max per subject. make them ur holy books and swear by them. if ure doing coaching then the modules provided by them are a very good option bc theyre specifically for jee and will cover what u need. coaching teachers will have a lot of experience with them too so u'll have an easy time with doubts clarification. if u choose other books tho, still consult with ur teacher and ask them to tell u what's relevant and what isnt and dont waste ur time on whats not. it might make u look or feel smarter to be solving questions on stuff thats beyond the scope of the exam but u literally dont need it and the syllabus is already very vast so ure just going to waste time and brainspace. like sure if ure interested study it in ur own time but dont make it an Important Must Do thing.
ok now that u have ur book with everything relevant to jee, make sure u devour them. study the theory alongside ur class notes. solve a few questions of corresponding topics the day they are covered so u dont have so many questions lined up at the end of the chapter. like if i studied friction in newton's laws of motion today, i'll solve the questions relevant to friction today itself. or u know this week. like,, keep it current. then while solving, speak out loud and explain the problem to urself like ure teaching someone else (or better yet, find someone to teach them to. stuffed toys, younger siblings, ur classmate, grandparents, online friend, whichever works). mark all the questions that took u longer than 5 mins or u cant solve at all. dog ear the pages. try them again the next day. then again a few days later. take the ones u still cant solve to ur teacher. try n ask for just a hint once and try again. and then if u cant then ask for the solution. DO NOT go on the internet. ur brain doesnt have to work for it then n u think u got it but u dont got it. make ur brain work for the solution so it'll remember. 
now that uve given a good shot to every question and figured out where u stumble. analyse a bit. find a pattern if theres any: like a certain concept that is weak or something ure not understanding. read the theory for it if u have to n ask questions to clarify. then solve these problem questions again and again until u know every question well enough to be able to explain to someone. skip over the easy ones u dont gotta do them again n again, focus on the ones u stumbled on. theyre the weak spots. no use strengthening whats already strong enough.
and uh keep a notebook of the solutions of the questions u solve so that u dont have to go crazy searching for them in an emergency. like ur paper is tomorrow and u cant figure out this question that uve been trying for 1 hour then its a good time to review ur previous solution and refresh ur memory. often if uve practiced enough n its just exam stress etc thats making ur mind go blank then just a hint will be enough to remind u.
also this is more general but just. be consistent. small consistent efforts over multiple days instead of a big one in 1 day. u’ll retain better and ur brain does better with multiple small chunks spread out over an interval than a lot of stuff in a small one. and its ok to to have an off day dont kill urself over academics ur health is more important always. not getting into ur dream college might fuck u up but itll heal but ur health is more precarious and not getting enough sleep or food will def fuck u up and the consequences are a lot harder to deal with. dont think about the big picture or u’ll freak urself out just think about the next small step u can take. getting 99 percentile feels impossible but solving 10 questions for it does not. dont get disheartened by test results if ure working hard n smart u wont fail. even if u dont get into ur dream college u’ll have an excellent work ethic that’ll take u places u never thought of in ur wildest dreams. more than anything, be kind to urself and work n play hard.
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iheartmiidoriya · 3 years
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we love you
chapter 1/?
!!MY HERO MANGA CHAPTERS 300+ SPOILERS!!
notes:
Midoriya is back at UA after leaving, and everything is different now. Ochako and Bakugou are his comforts but little does he know they’re in love with him, and have been for a long time.
° 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ₒ 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ° = Ochako perspective
✼  ҉ ✼ = Bakugou perspective
■□■□■□ = general perspective
■□■□■□
Midoriya has been home for about a month, everyone had hoped it would finally go back to normal, but they knew that was an empty wish. Midoriya worried all day and night for their safety in the most silent way he could, but Ochako and Bakugou could read him like it was the only language they knew. Midoriya picked up a habit of asking the two to sit in his company, Bakugou would be with him in the mornings and Ochako would fill the spaces at night. Midoriya rarely slept for fear of nightmares, having Ochako lay on the couch with him and sleep while he kept himself awake with bad movies that were in the UA building. The mornings were him and Bakugou doing basic training with no words, Bakugou hoped the silence between them would get Midoriya to sleep for at least an hour, which usually worked while Bakugou got ready for his workouts, but no longer than 3 hours. Bakugou would watch him sleep and notice his face scrunch and his mumbles of fear from what his closed eyes saw. Although Bakugou and Ochako didn’t speak often, they were aware of their jobs when it came to Midoriya. It was an unspoken worry and connection with them when they’d switch him off at hours no teenager should be awake.
School still hadn’t resumed in the 2 months Midoriya had been back, all they did was team training and patrols while the search for villains staid active. Midoriyas days were filled with exploring and saving. He’d received special privileges for his past hero work when he was out of the school. He was aloud to go off of their routes if he saw fit, and he saw it fit more often than it was. He’d run off in the middle of patrols and only return for his late night movies with Ochako. This routine was unhealthy and wrong, and the 2 knew this. after each day had become this terrible routine, Ochako took it upon herself to talk to Bakugou about how to help.
Ochako found herself searching Bakugous usual spots from where he returned after his patrols. Finally she found him leaving the locker rooms in his street clothes, a black tank top and black joggers with old beaten shoes on his feet.
“pink cheeks.” he said surprised
“hey Bakugou, we should talk” she shifted worried he hadn’t notice this pattern
“… yeah, we should. I’m going to get some food, join me.”
His tone was less inviting and more demanding in a “you’re in trouble” kind of way. Ochako knew it wasn’t her in trouble specifically, but for the two of them for allowing this routine to continue for so long.
The walk was quiet but wasn’t awkward, it felt like a mutual worry and self hatred. Close to the cafeteria Ochako finally spoke up-
“What does he do with you? in the morning” she’d stopped in the middle of the hallway to make the conversation serious
“… let’s just sit down” he’d known this question was more complex than a simple list of their routine. Midoriya would sit in an emotional silence trying to stay awake to avoid his own traumatic dreams. It broke Bakugous heart, no matter how he didn’t want to admit it, Midoriya was a big fraction of his world.
They found a spot far from everyone and far from their friends views to encourage them not to sit with them. Had they noticed Midoriyas behavior? That wasn’t important.
“so we’re on the same page. he’s not okay, right?” Ochako broke their silence again, this time more insistent on answers from Bakugou
“Yeah… you wanted to know what we did. I’m not really sure, he kinda just sits there, he doesn’t even mumble stupid shit like he usually does- did.” Bakugou wasn’t loud like normal. Of course, after this year of him in UA, he had become less loud and become more comfortable with them all, but his snarky tone was nowhere to be found in their conversation.
“He just has me lay with him while he watches movies, but i’ve asked him what they were about and he doesn’t even remember, so I don’t know if he’s even paying attention” at this point this conversation was just venting about Midoriyas bad behavior. Had either of them even had a conversation with him? They hadn’t. The closest thing to a conversation was when Midoriya sobbed into Bakugous arms a few nights after he’d returned.
✼  ҉ ✼
2 days after Midoriya returned
There was a knock at my door, it was around 3 I think. I’m usually a heavy sleeper but that night those soft knocks were louder than anything i’d heard. My legs moved on their own, I think deep down i’d hoped it was Deku at the door, and my hopes were heard. Deku stood at my door, his fists were balled up and his eyes were wide like he was confirming he was awake to himself.
The night before i’d overheard mr. Aizawa and All Might mentioning Deku’s vivid night terrors, I hadn’t heard details of what they were, only that they were bad enough to talk about. Stupid nerd. He could talk to me about this too.
“Deku? what the fuck are you doing here it’s…” I checked the clock “3: something-.”@/“ I forget the time it was.
“Kacchan…. I need to leave here. I can’t stay.” Tears we’re being held back, I could feel them behind his eyes. Even though it was dark, I could see exactly what face he made. Normally i’d spout an insult and tell him to leave me the fuck alone, but I knew this wasn’t the time.
“why would you need to leave Deku.” It sounded less like a question and more like a stupid idea. It was stupid. He was being stupid, why was he so worried? UA is safe, he was safe. I would protect him. I’d did it before, hell! i almost died for him! Did he not trust me?
“I cant let anyone else get hurt. This is all my fault Kacchan. I see Midnights empty chair and I just can’t take it” his tears started flowing.
“Deku. Stop. we both know it’s not your fault.” This was the first conversation we’d had and all it was was shitty emotions. I couldn’t help it, i grabbed him and pulled him into a hug.
My fingers stroked his curls and i felt his face heat up because of the tears. He hugged my waist while my arms were around his shoulder. I could tell he didn’t want to talk about it. I dragged him into the room worried someone would hear his whimpers. I sat him on the bed and watched him sob into his scarred hands. i rubbed his back. i’ve never been good when it came to comfort, especially the comfort of the boy i bullied for years.
After about a minute he curled into my shoulders and grabbed my waist again. Hugging Deku felt so nice. It’s annoying and sappy but it’s the truth i’d never say out loud without some shitty quirk making me. Normally i’d shove him off and kick him out… normally… i felt nice i guess so i just… hugged back.
it was about 30 minutes of hugging and his whimpers, why did i feel so giddy? Deku came to me for comfort. I was making him grounded. I needed to say something. Say sorry for bullying him, say i was glad he was home, say i wanted us to stay glued together. Instead I just gasped ready to speak but didn’t.
“…oh… sorry kacchan, i’ve overstayed my welcome haha.” Deku sat up forcing a shitty smile on his face wiping his red eyes.
“No! i mean… no. it’s whatever deku, you can stay in here if you need.” Shit. that sounded rude.
“no it’s fine. sorry…” deku got up and was moving faster than i’d expected, no… wanted. I grabbed his arm.
“Deku, I don’t want you to leave right now.” Why? I cant tell him that I’d liked being his safe space. “I don’t trust you to not leave the school.” Fuck. Nice going. Now he only thinks you want him here for some sake other than his company.
“oh… yeah ok.” Deku fell next to me and laid his head against the bed. As much as I hate saying it, that shitty nerd is so handsome in all lighting. Even after his breakdown, he just somehow looked photo ready. I saw his eyes flutter shut. I think he fell asleep the second his eyelids touched. After a minute of watching him I laid my head in front of his.
“Stupid nerd.” I couldn’t help but run my fingers in his hair. It was so comforting, I didn’t even realize i’d fallen asleep. My bed was empty in the morning.
■□■□■□
Bakugou told this story to Ochako, minus the mini love denial in his head.
“did you end up talking to him about it the next day?” Her words were passionate, ready for the No Bakugou would say to make a disappointed remark toward him.
“You know the answer to that. after that i just found him in the commons and he followed me”
Ochako swallowed her tongue. Now wasn’t the time to lecture Bakugou, she knew deep down she’d do the same.
“well?” Bakugou asked
“hm?”
“how did you guys’ weird routine start?”
° 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 ₒ 𐐪𐑂 ♡ 𐐪𐑂 °
12 AM, 5 days after Midoriya returned
I was getting ready for bed when someone knocked at my door, this wasn’t particularly uncommon, but who was outside was.
“hey Ururaka…”
“Deku! hey… is something wrong?”
“no! I just can’t sleep… would you mind watching a movie with me?”
as inappropriate as the thought was, my mind immediately went to this encounter being a date. Maybe he’d thought about me while he was gone. I didn’t realize how rude of me it was to think this.
I didn’t notice till the movie had started, but Deku’s eyes were pretty red, like he’d been crying not long before this. I spoke without thinking
“Deku were you crying?” I regret asking instantly, not because it sparked an unwanted conversation, but because it’d made the environment stiff and uncomfortable.
“I- uh” He obviously didn’t want to talk about it, I’d made everything worse! I decided the best corse of action was to put my hand over his mouth.
“I’m sorry! you don’t have to tell me! let’s just finish the movie!” Deku looked pretty surprised, but I could barely tell from the red glow my face emitted. The only thing that snapped me back was his giggle as he gently placed my wrist on the couch.
“it’s fine Ururaka… I’m fine.” his smile became much more fake when he tried to reassure me his wellness.
The movie was pretty cheesy, It was PG and allowed in schools so of course it wasn’t perfect. I found myself in and out of sleep, waking up each time i saw Deku’s eye bags grow darker and his eyelids heavier. around the third time i’d woken up I decided I should say something.
“Deku… you can fall asleep if you want. I have like 10 times now” I giggled to myself but Deku just stared at me. When he’d realized I’d made a joke he chuckled back to confirm he’d listened.
“I’m fine, don’t worry. I’d rather not”
The sleepiness must’ve taken a hold on me because I pulled his head down to lay against my thigh so he could rest. The position wasn’t sexual or particularly romantic. It was more a plead than anything.
I saw his eyes shut finally and I just watched. 10 minutes into his rest I realized why he didn’t want to sleep. He started to turn a lot and saying little “no”‘s while he slept. I shook him awake
“Deku! are you okay? You were having a nightmare” he lifted his head off my thigh.
“yeah… yeah i’m ok.” a bead of sweat fell from his brow. “I think i’m just gonna stay awake a little longer.. you can rest though. I’ll wake you up when i head to bed, yeah?”
Deku was always so kind, our positions switched and i laid on his legs now, i fell asleep really fast, his scars and muscles made it look like he’d have rough and uncomfortable legs, but it was the opposite. I woke up around 6 in my bed. I’d like to assume he carried me there…
■□■□■□
Ochako told her story back, similar to bakugou she left out her internal monologue.
“after that he just kept inviting me to watch movies, now I just instinctively fall asleep on the couch and end up in my room.” she couldn’t figure out if flattery should be the bare of her emotions or loneliness.
Bakugous temper reappeared “well what the fuck do we do?! there’s no way a therapy session will help.” he held his head in his hand
“… well, maybe the two of us should see him… together!”
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cmncisspnandmore · 5 years
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Don’t Let Me Go
Hello my lovely readers! This is a fic i wanted to write because i have been feeling kind of down in the dumps lately and I wanted some Fluffy Reid to make me feel better. Not that my Fiance cant cheer me up but sometimes you just need to feel a little love from the guys you’ll never get ya know? Anyways this is a new series, i’m not sure how many parts this will be but enjoy!
Pairing: Spencer Reid X Reader Warnings: Anorexia, eating disorders, depression, drug use, mentions of past character death, extreme fluff? is that a warning? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
27 hours.
It had been 27 hours since you took the last bite of food. All that had passed your lips in the past 27 hours was black coffee and water.
Pulling open the door to the conference room, your team turn to look at you. Each member giving you a smile, and Dr. Spencer reid pulled the chair next to him out slightly, a steaming paper cup set in front of it.
“Alrighty my pretties. We got two women, one a Sandra Morey, 35, divorcee. Two kids that live with their father Henry Morey. And we have Aubrey Willison, also 35, has two kids that live with their dad a Mr. Ralph Willison. Both women were found in their homes with a single gunshot wound to the chest, that pierced their heart. Both ex husbands have been ruled out as suspects, and the icing on our lovely murder cake is that they were killed within 3 days of each other.” Garcia clicks through the slideshow of the victims.
The team listens intently, but your food deprived mind starts to drift, and you find yourself staring blankly down at the paper cup in front of you. There were 2 calories in black coffee. 1 in espresso, over the past day you had consumed 23 calories. 10 cups of piping hot coffee and an espresso that you grabbed on your way here. The barista gave you a weird look when you ordered a single shot of espresso, nothing else. No cream, no sugar, normally people ordered a latte, or a cappuccino. But not you. There were far too many calories, you didn’t even enjoy the taste of black coffee, it was far too bitter and left a gross taste in your mouth. But the feeling of the hot liquid sliding down your throat warming your permanently cold chest, was euphoric. You savored the way it felt in your empty stomach.
“Y/n, are you cold? You’re shivering..” Reid’s hand on your arm startled you, and you gave him a shy smile.
“Sorry, I should’ve grabbed a sweater before coming in I guess,”
“Here use mine.”
You watch as Reid shrugs off his brown cardigan and wraps it around your thin shoulders. You were surprised it fit. You felt like a elephant, your wrists were too thick, your thighs touched and your ribs didn’t stick out when you laid down. Your collarbones were hidden under puffy, mushy fat that clung to you like glue. You hated the way your stomach protrudes when you sit down. You can’t stand when people brush by you in small spaces, people should be able to effortlessly slip by you. If they couldn’t, then you were thin enough.
“Thank you, Reid. I appreciate it.” You smile lightly, a small blush creeping up your cheeks. Across the table Morgan watched as the Dr. smiled back, his hand lingering on your shoulder just a moment too long. Morgan smiled to himself, he had an inkling that the genius liked you as more than a friend. You had been the saviour for the doctors self destruction when he fell to the cold hand of Dilaudid. You had been fairly new to the team when Reid was kidnapped, and you didn't hesitate to hold Reids hand as he was carried away on the stretcher, and you actually got into a verbal argument with Hotch, when he told you to leave for the night to go home. You stuck by his bedside the entire night, and when he was discharged you even insisted you sleep at his house until his wounds healed.
Spencer at the time wasn't aware that you had known what it was like to be completely alone when fighting something you couldn't control. You knew that the Unsub had drugged Reid, you had found the vials, when Reid was suddenly acting strange a few months after the incident. When he had been cleared for the field again, and you picked up on it instantly. You had made it your personal mission to help him with this.
As you helped Reid get over his addiction to the harsh drug that had been forced upon him, your friendship grew, and for Spencer it grew into more than that. When Maeve died you were right there for him as well. You spent nights sitting outside his apartment door, reading him lines from his favorite books. You brought him coffee and just listened to him cry. You were the equivalent to a guardian angel for Spencer.
You had helped Spencer more than anyone could have imagined, and in return the kind, awkward Doctor had started to bring you coffee, and you would spend nights at his place and listen to his read his favorite books. You would often gift books to each other, share random facts you found interesting with one another. It was the small things that made Spencer fall for you, the way your nose crinkled when you found out what the names of the Unsubs. How you had to make sure that everyone got home safe after a case, and how you bought Garcia endless colorful pens for her office.
“Wheels up in 20” Hotch, grabs the file from the table in front of you and you jump. Your brain felt foggy, and logically you knew you needed to eat something if you were going on a case, but the calories you burned when you fasted for this long. When you fasted for this long, you desired to feel light and airy. Like nothing in the world could weigh you down.
“Y/N, are you okay? You’re awfully jumpy, and you barely drank any of your coffee..” Reid stood up, his brow knitted together in worry. Reid may be a profiler, but so were you, you knew what he was looking for, a tell, a sign that you werent okay. You hated that you had to lie to him, and to the team but if they knew what was happening with you they would call for you to have a evaluation and that would get you taken from the field.
You could handle this, only 15 pounds left, then you would finally be where you needed to be. Reid and the team, they would think you looked amazing. Morgan would be able to lift you up when he gave you a hug after a hard case. And Reid, he would be able to lift you off his lap when you fell asleep as he ran his long fingers through your hair, as he read to you. You would be able to ask for a smaller size of your vest because the bigger ones the rest of the team wore would restrict your movement. You would be able to wear spencers cardigans and have them hang to your knees, your slim legs would look great in them and you wouldn't feel like an elephant anymore. All you had to do was fast for another day or so and then you could allow the 300 calories you felt would be acceptable.
“I’m fine, Spence. I promise, just tired, I had a hard time sleeping last night.” You smile up at him and he holds out his hand for you, you greatly take it and wrap your thin fingers around his, and allow the tall Dr. to assist you in standing.
You walk with the rest of the team to the jet, everyone wearing light sweaters in the warm breeze, while you wrapped your down jacket around you a little tighter, the wind forcing violent shiver through you. You stood next to Spencer and JJ, waiting for the stairs of the jet to fold down. You couldn’t wait to sit in the last booth across from the Dr. as he read another book that you picked up from him on your way in to work this morning. You always picked the longest books you could find when buying books for Reid. His eidetic memory making reading books a short task for him, but he humored you often and tried to slow his reading so you wouldn't feel bad for taking a while longer to read the selections he picked for you.
You put your go bag in the compartment above the bench you claimed as your own, and sat on the bench, as Spencer sits across from you. “Oh Spencey. I got you this.” You reach into your purse a hand him the book, and he gives you a smile.
“Thanks Y/N, I’m sure im going to enjoy it. I always do,” He takes the book and tucks in under his arm and shrugs off his messenger bag. Placing it on his seat, he walks over to the cabinet on the back of jet and grabs a water for himself and brings you one.
“Here, i know your ears pop when you take off.” He hands you the bottle his fingers brushing against yours, and it takes everything in Spencer to not pull back from your alarmingly cold hand. Spencer had noticed over the past few months how you had dropped a few pounds, and at first it wasn't alarming, with the amount of cases increasing all of your diets had suffered. But when things had evened out and you were still dropping weight. And now that the last 6 times you had crashed at Reid’s apartment you refused dinner and the following morning breakfast, settling for a cup of black coffee on both occasions.
He had also noticed how you stopped carrying a lunch bag with you when the team was at the office, and had often opted for a protein bar you had in your purse. And now with the zoning out during meetings and the way your cheeks sunk in just a hint further than normal Reid was concerned. He had always thought of you as beautiful and he fell for you despite your looks. Your caring personality and your willingness to help a person who you only knew for a few days when Spencer was going through the aftermath of being held captive by Tobias.
He had fallen in love with you for everything about you, not just your looks. Spencer had hoped to talk to you about it this weekend but with the case he was afraid that he wouldn't make it in time. That something would go horribly wrong before he got the chance to confront you and help you with whatever you were going through. Like you had done for him twice before, Spencer took the book from the seat and sat down resting one arm on the armrest and flipped to the front page of the book, eyes scanning across the page, he got lost in the authors writing for a few minutes before movement across from him caught his eye.
He glanced up from the book and watched as you laid your head down on the seat, pulling two of the blankets provided over you, still in your down coat, and closed your eyes. Spencer watched for a few moments as you drifted off, shivering slightly in your sleep. Spencer had read a few books about eating disorders as a kid, when his mom first got really sick, he thought she might have one and read up on it to try and help her. But when he figured out his mother had Schizophrenia he stopped reading up on the topic.
But he recognized the signs in you as slept across from him on the plane. He knew it wasn't his job to save you but at the same time he felt like he needed to be the one to save you because he knew that in your mind your mind you were saving yourself, but in trying to save yourself you were killing yourself. When Reid had been on drugs you were the one to reach into his life and help him. Now it was his turn, he just needed to figure out how, he knew that this case would probably take up most of your time, seeing as you were a dedicated agent. When there was a case you threw yourself into it. He wouldn't be able to talk some sense into you over this case, he would either have to pull you away from the case or wait until after it was over.
His one hope was that it wouldn't be too late for you by the time the case was over. He could tell by the way you moved and how after you stood up you took a few moments too long to start walking that you were walking a dangerous line right now. You bumped into the table on the way out of the office, and now as Spencer watched you sleep he could see a bruise forming on your forearm. You barely bumped into the table but a bruise forming like that was a sure sign of later stages of anorexia.
Spencer fearing someone was watching his contemplative stare would try to figure out what he was looking at you for and draw attention to it. Something he knew could cause you go into a downward spiral, being publicly called out about this could damage you. Something Reid didn't want to happen, for he already thought you were just a little too fragile.  
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thisismyideaofhumor · 5 years
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cant believe i thought college would be more easy/fun than high school. i have an eight page paper due next week and I have to use a style I’ve never heard of and that our teacher expects us to figure out by ourselves. i should have started sooner. im gonna have to fucking sit down and read a 300 page style guide i guess.
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marxist-peach · 6 years
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Guys, we gotta get around to making summaries and shorter versions of these long works explaining why we think the way we do. We cant say that we're accessible and then turn around and recommend a 300 page book for people with jobs and lives. We're the working class, we have to find different ways to condense our points to let people know why we are this way.
I love the bread book and Rocker's Anarcho-Syndicalism, but I read those when I was in college. Not everyone has time to sit down and read these things, and it's the busiest people who should identify with our cause the most. It's the mother who works 2 jobs to support her kids that needs anarchism, and we cant tell her to read a book to understand our terms and beliefs.
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tchaikovskaya · 6 years
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idk if this will make a keep reading cut if ur on mobile but if it doesnt dont reblog (idek why i have to say that on a very specific and very personal post but some of yall have no brains i guess)
i have been an emotional wreck for the last week and thats for a lot of different reasons but i just remembered this one professor i had my sophomore year, i took a 100 level history course w him my first semester and a 300 level history class w him the second semester and he made it clear the first semester that he was really impressed with me (thats bc it was an entry level class lmfao but still i was flattered) but like midway through that semester is when shit really hit the fan in terms of my physical and mental health and it was honestly just a struggle to keep going to class and do any actual work and i felt like absolute shit about myself. anyway i did really well on the final bc im a good test taker for whatever reason (probz bc it requires no work ethic just knowledge and performing on the spot) and our final paper, worth 25% of our grade for the class, was due the same day before midnight. and i didnt do it. never turned it in. i was so depressed i couldnt bring myself to write more than like a page of it. i had an A in the class before that and when our final grades were due i dreaded checking them bc i knew i’d get a C in this class due to my own inability to sit down and do work, but he gave me an A anyway. that i did not earn.
the next semester was somehow even worse for me and it was a tougher class too, but i didnt do that well on the first test and i turned our first of 2 papers in an entire month late and i didnt go to class on the day he handed them back so he emailed us all and said we had to pick it up during his office hours if we werent there that day. and i went the next day and he asked me “.......is everything okay with you? you seem to really be struggling” and i was fighting back tears the whole time and saying vague shit about things piling up and he said “i wish you would come talk to me about it, i’m sympathetic to how you’re feeling and i would have made an exception for you because i know you’re not lazy” and i sobbed the whole time i walked home after that lol but i did end up doing better at the end of the semester (after withdrawing from two whole classes lmfao) and i was honestly so touched that he would be that compassionate tbh like it was completely unexpected and it seriously never occurred to me that a professor would care about the REASONS i would be failing to meet expectations (i even thought it was unfair/favoritism at the time bc like..... the due date is the due date and a grade is a grade it should be the same for everyone regardless like idk it just felt like it should have been uniform) much less adjust due dates/grading policies for me bc of [what i felt like were] illegitimate reasons for not having done shit on time. and its just really amazing to me bc we didnt even have an exceptional teacher/student relationship, from how i saw it, but he did those things for me anyway and just....... why cant all professors be that compassionate??? especially male professors lets be real here..... like he lost nothing from doing that for me and it meant so much to me in terms of stress levels why cant everyone be like him!!!!!!!!
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lil-nemo4790 · 5 years
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Defeated by a 1500 word essay poem
I battle with my own mind like I’m swimming against the tide and I cant swim very well
I battle against time and deadlines fine but then my own minds gos blank
Suddenly I form a sentence with no sense
Suddenly I can’t even read
My mind a tangle of thoughts racing
Trying to explain it to myself
Processing
Trying to remember what I was doing again
Trying to get the picture together but it seems like the pieces don’t even fit in the same puzzle
Suddenly my world crashed
All hope is lost I give up
I wanna scream and cry and run and hide
I wanna give up but at the same time I’m not a quitter
I tell me self you can do this
I tell my self it’s not that hard just do it
Just get it over and done
But I can’t
I get emotional over a little 1500 word essay
I can no longer see because of tears in my eyes
I try to ask for help but my brain stops me
Letters move
Topics blur
Words swap
Jaw drops like tears on my pages
I’m defeated for one more day
By a 1500 word essay
I can’t help that mind doesn’t like to cooperate
I can’t help that’s my state
As words linger
I tell my self your smart, remember when you learnt a monologue in a week
Remember when you got algebra before everyone else did
Remember the times you could do it
You’ll get through it
Teachers say practice your writing
Teachers say get computers to fix your spelling
Ask for help and we will explain it again
But no matter how many times I try
I cannot auto correct my brain
Mistakes can be fixed but how many rhymes do I need to memorise before words make sense
Two sleeves and a collor for success but
But I before e unless after c
My brain runs wild like a monkey swinging through trees grabbing on to the bits and pieces I remember
I over analyse and partmentalise, compare and gain despair
I want to quit
I want to give up
But I’m hanging on because I still have 5 days to repeat the trauma of writing
This 1500 words
These simple words
These sat in straight rows
Sit down take notes words
I’m creating my own cross words puzzle when all that was asked for was what?
But 1500 words of muck
I’ve tried sitting, standing, reading listening taking notes
I’ve tried breathing, squeezing, and handing in notes
But they tell me passed but not great
And it’s all because of this mental state
I’ve stop wanting to learn because it means another 500 words
Once I get a flow I can do it but reading back it falls down like snakes and ladders
Drops penny’s and notes cause it has no cents
Forcing a mental state of contempt I bludgeon through to the word count
But I never quit get there
Try to read source after source and feel like I’m drowning in spaghetti
Crunching the number to see how many less words I can do and still pass
Procrastinating with art projects and learning lines cause I still feel productive
The house is cleaned top to bottom even more then usual
As I lie to my self about the amount of time that this 1500 words will drag me down
Sinking like a ship
All of a sudden my brain is filled with air but I still can’t breath
200 words I’m out of ideas
300 words I’m lost and don’t know where to go
400 words I can not write anymore
500 words but quotes don’t count
600 words but that bit needs to be taken out
700 words but I’m out
I’m gone I no longer want to move on
I’m once again trying to wrap my brain around the topics
Overthink should I start again with a different topic
But starting over will waste the last 6hours of mental thinking
The last 6 hours of drowning swimming swinging and sinking
That could all stop if you drop
Drop out drop the subject
Drop your head go to bed and try to stop thinking
But to stop thinking is the easy way out
You just want it over with
You just want it out
But as much as the words want to come out they are scattered
Screaming senseless silence
It’s a struggle it takes you all of your days but you finally have written that 1500 word essay
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luv-engineering · 6 years
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This is a fantastic book, with true stories and scenarios This is a fantastic book, with true stories and scenarios. It provides in depth evaluation of situation in which a pilot can avoid, but sometimes does not see it coming. This is a must book for flight instructors and pilots in general. It does not matter if student, rusty, or active pilot. Read it and see it for yourself. Prof. Craig is an experienced aviator, a researcher, an expert in the field, and well known in the aviation industry worldwide. Go to Amazon
Perspective, perspective, perspective. As a very new student pilot, just at the front edge of the Zone, I can't describe how valuable I found this book. I marked sections on nearly every page which I continue to pour over... and have counseled with my CFI on much of it. The perspective this book provides on managing risk and remaining humble and teachable throughout one's development as a pilot is priceless. I wish I could sit with the author and pick his brain for several hours - Go to Amazon
You know how you automatically jump into the "I cant believe i did that" or the "NTSB Accident report" in your favorite aviation if you have under 300 hours, READ THIS BOOK. You know how you automatically jump into the "I cant believe i did that" or the "NTSB Accident report" in your favorite aviation magazine? well, this is a FULL BOOK dedicated to this good stuff. Read an accident study, then the author will analyze the problem with you, and give you his input, very good read. very educational. Go to Amazon
Great Book! Very interesting book and well thought out. Broken into small chapters for easy reading in small segments. Loved it! Go to Amazon
Decent Book but Many of the Authors Conclusions Are Massively Wrong The author fails basic math in his use of statistics early in the book and then the book does not improve from there. The author fails a basic conversion when comparing safety of driving to flying, resulting in an erroneous conclusion. He assumes that private pilots all fly multiple takeoffs and landings on every flight as his justification for saying that private pilots' flight regimes are more dangerous than commercial or military pilots. Also, just a pet peeve: the author continuously states that in his accident summaries that individuals "lost control of the aircraft" causing CFIT incidences. This Is patently incorrect. CFIT, by definition, means the pilot was in control of the aircraft. As an accident investigator, I can axiomatically state that spatial disorientation, which is what the author is describing in these incidences, is not the same as loss of aircraft control. Go to Amazon
Great book! As a low hour (100) private pilot, currently enrolled in instrument training, this book really opened my eyes. Being able to understand what happened in each of the accidents in this book and to learn how to avoid them is key. Without the experience, for those of us that are in “the killing zone,” we must fall back on our training to save our lives and those of our passengers, and this book will aid in that training. It sparked a lot of inner thought. This book is a spectacular, and enjoyable read! I would highly recommend it to any pilot, from the experienced to inexperienced. Go to Amazon
Very insightful book. You can tell the author is ... Very insightful book. You can tell the author is very concerned with this subject. Can't wait till I have 351 hours under my belt. I'll breath a little easier. Go to Amazon
Good book with some very helpful information Good book with some very helpful information. I started flying when in high school, flew for a number of years and then due to life I quit for a long time. This book has been a good refresher for me with over 1200 hours. Go to Amazon
Three Stars GREAT book ! Flawed math and other wild assertions. Must Read! If you're a pilot, read it! wonderful book Awesome Read Five Stars Three Stars Excellent must read for any pilot of any skill level
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Bestessays Review 2020
Bestessays Review 2020 Fortunately, these tips for writing essays might help you alongside the way and get you on the trail to a well-written essay. Once you have carried out your brainstorming and chosen your matter, you may need to do some research to put in writing a great essay. Go to the library or search online for information about your matter. Interview individuals who could be experts in the subject. Use clustering or thoughts mapping to brainstorm and provide you with an essay thought. The assignments I addressed to were correctly structured, and grammar was okay , but they have been removed from what I recognize in academic writing. If somebody has an essay due tomorrow they usually waste time reading this, then they're a little bit of an fool for giving themselves even less time to work with. If they’re leaving work to the final minute like that, then the one thing they should be doing is jumping right in and writing . Nice philosophy, however utterly unhelpful in case you have a paper due tomorrow and limited amount of time to write down. Contrary to what academia self-righteously preach, its imperative for any writing and clarification of regarded as simplified. If you cant explain it in short time/brief essay you don’t understand it sufficient. In my opinion, hours that are offered here a partially true. It could take about an hor to write down 300 word essay however modifying additionally takes a while. So on averege, I count the time to write the piece itself + time edit every thing. If a person writes a book, they don’t solely depend the time it took them at the typewriter writing. They rely on a regular basis it took to research the e-book as nicely. The writer says that it’s based mostly on what she writes and is just a basic approximation. How long it takes you or anyone else to put in writing an essay will clearly be different since you’re not the identical as everyone else. For some, writing an essay is so simple as sitting down at their pc and starting to type. But, a lot more planning goes into writing an essay efficiently. To make an order, the very first thing you have to do is to login to the Gradesfixer website utilizing your e-mail or Facebook account. This won't be shown in your Facebook page, however you'll receive the chance to put the order on the web site and choose the writers. Also, this will provide you with the possibility to get a discount code or a coupon for the free pages in the future. This involves writing your subject or concept in the heart of the paper and creating bubbles of related ideas round it. While this feels like a lot of steps to write a easy essay, should you observe them it is possible for you to to write down extra successful, clear and cohesive essays. You can order cover letters, testimonials, personal statements, and nearly another sort of work on this web site. In most cases, they will discover you a writer competent in that area in a matter of minutes. For the convenience of each shopper and the author, there’s a support group that helps you in case any issues arise. We contacted their assist staff, pretending to be a buyer, asking questions, and in search of data. If your matter just isn't available amongst these options, you possibly can enter it manually. You simply have to ship your instructions to the writer, and they're going to start working on your unique and totally plagiarism free task. 123help me website offers insufficient help.
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arplis · 4 years
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Arplis - News: Cool Char Broil Natural Gas Grill
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Since 1948 weve been a leader in gas, charcoal and electric grills. Click here for more on our products, grilling tips, parts and support. Results 1 24 of 27 Char-Broil Performance Series
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Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/cool-char-broil-natural-gas-grill
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sebandteo · 4 years
Text
"Reconcile with my wife."
That's how he kept wording it. He said he prayed to God that he would reconcile with me. He prayed everyday.
Maybe that's where I went wrong. I didnt pray everyday. I only prayed occasionally. I would ask God to change him. To help him see that he was taking the wrong path. To help him grow so that we could move forward toward our future. And what did I get? A man who came home to rape and choke me.
I hadn't talked to him for 2 months. Since that night. Nov 22nd. It was weird. Having been this mans wife for four years. Having birthed two of his babies. Having gone through hell and back in hopes that our relationship would survive.
And it didn't. It couldn't. Not after what he did. But somehow when he called, I couldn't find it in me to hang up. I needed to hear his vioce.
He said he doesnt remember what happened. That he was sorry. He knew I didn't deserve it. That he should of listened to me a long time ago. He said he doesn't believe it's over.
I cried. I said "Gilberto. It's best you dont remember what happened. You almost killed me. Have they not shown you the pictures they took of my neck? It's too late."
He went quiet. Then continued to tell me about him praying for us. He started discussing his daily routine. 48 hr lock down. Then 2 or 3 hours recreational time. How he had lost 20 lbs already. The meat there wasnt real meat. Lol. It was tofu. He told me about how people pretty much starve there. 3am breakfast. 12pm lunch. 3pm dinner. He said he started working out. That he was at 300 push ups. And I forgot how many sit ups.
I laughed when he asked me to put money on his books. What nerve! The audacity of him to ask me for money. He laughed as well, "it was worth a shot."
He said there was packet he had to fill out. About 60 pages long. He said he couldn't even start until 2 weeks after he got it. The first 2 questions involved females that closely resembled my name. And that he would breakdown when he would read it. The first one being Lisa, but they called her Liz.
He was the only one to of ever called me Liz.
When the time was up, the whole of 30 min., he called again. And again I answered. And when the time was up again he said, "I love you. I'll call you back in two weeks."
I cried. I cried when I thought I had no more tears left to give. Turns out theres plenty more. My heart aches for him. I look at our babies and my heart aches for them too.
"I was high. I was always high. You know I wouldve never done that sober. I pretended to be Mr.Sober. I'm getting my GED in here. The Vererans Affairs came in and said they would cover rehab. It's in Palo Alto."
I cant stop thinking of him. But one day, I hope I do.
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soymilkenjoyer · 4 years
Text
just need to type smthn out nothing to see here :-)
i need to see a therapist soon lol. i stopped going to my last one around march when quarantine began and i didnt want to deal w zoom calls w her, esp since i felt like i was just rambling to her and repeating myself every appointment and i wanted actual advice on dealing w all my shit, which she wasnt really giving me besides “heres some calming apps to help w ur anxiety :)”
depressions been curb stomping me dude, the days that i have off work i can barely leave my room. cant really make myself eat more than once a day bc of the chance i’ll see my brother or my dad wandering around the house. my brother is gonna b on house arrest for 3 months starting sometime in the next month or so, which will probably make things even more tense in the house than they are already. 
things are so rough for my mom and theres only so much i can do, and when i get like this im not as helpful with things as i need to be. i could write pages and pages about how fucked up my family is right now, life has been going downhill for all of us since the middle of last year. i just need to move out of this house, bc at least if i can it’ll relieve some immediate stress (though im worried as hell about leaving my mom by herself with everything, but if i dont get out of here soon haha...ha oh Man), obviously wont magic away my depression but being in a more stable environment with my friends will definitely make feeling better easier. BUT i also feel guilty bc i havent managed to find a second job in the 2 years!!! ive been saying i need another one, bc the min wage job i have now pays me an avg of $300 per check, most of which goes toward my car payment, so saving is really difficult. my friends say its fine if i need time to get on my feet, that they can support me the first month or so, i love them sm but fuck man i cant even count how many jobs ive applied for that i never heard anything back from, its really disheartening and im so worried that im gonna be a mooch just like i am now off my parents.
idk!!!! things have been bad for a really long time and its much easier to wallow about it than actually do anything. obviously this year has been bad for everyone in one way or another, everyones life has been disrupted by the pandemic and socially/politically we’re in hell, it would just be nice if my brain wasnt on fire while also dealing with that lmao! 
going all the way back to the therapy thing tho, last month my mom told me something from my childhood about my grandpa, who i know groped me, that i cant remember at all. that sent me into a huge panic attack, which i havent had since fuckin like high school, and now im worried im repressing some stuff bc i really cant remember much of my childhood?? i havent really talked about this with anyone bc i dont want to unload all that on my friends when i really should be getting professional help, it just sucks to be sitting on this when i dont even know if im making it up. and if im not making it up, i dont really want to go into therapy and work through it, im scared of what might resurface, i dont want to know even though the not knowing is whats making things difficult right now.
sorry if u actually read this essay of whiny garbage, i just needed to vent. typing things out is much easier for me than verbalizing them
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glopratchet · 4 years
Text
Heel bash
Perfect beeing : an imprefect novel. The next day, you are on your way to the university with a small bag full of books and papers. You feel like you have been running all over town, but then again that is what this job does for you. The only thing keeping you from running amok in the streets is your fear of being caught by the police or some other authority figure who might not be as understanding as you would like about such actions. Angylph speaks and says "so what is this all about" You explain to him your situation and he seems very interested in it. He asks if you know anyone who might help you out. You say no, but Angylph points at one of the students sitting near you and says "that girl there is a student here too right? She could use some extra money." "since i prefer art bots instead of aborted babies, im going to assume you're referring to terease, and cant be legion. "when i read specutalive fiction" Just then, terease and the professor enter the room. Terease instantly notices you and walks towards the bottom of the steps leading up to where the professor is. By now angylph has moved into a corner away from everyone else obviously "engrossed" by a small experimental piece made by one of his fellow students. "alright here we go" you hear the professor mutter under his breath as he waits for everyone to quiet down. "let me sit back an attempt to figure all this out" he starts wit a chuckle, "well first of all it has to be said that this school is very proud of all of you. you have shown great promise in your respective fields especiallizing top graduates like terease here who graduated summaCum laude and to be honest would have finished much earlier had she not partaken in many of the University's arts programs." Everyone starts clapping at this point and the professor raises his hand for quiet. A sea of letters is called the spooge of Satan "and so it is with great pride in your accomplishments that the following students are also graduated." The professors lets out a long list of graduates names and tereases colapses from exhaustion and joy seconds before her name is called. You are, of course, one of the students called to receive a diploma. After nearly a full hour everyone gets their scholorships ready they begin to talk amongst themselves until the professor gets everyone's attention again. The who who clicks last is a stooge "on a completely different matter" he says "i know many of you come from far places, and some of you even farther than others so we have prepared a little party for you today" everyone starts applauding again until the prof holds up his hand for silence. Taking resposibility for your mistakes as we attempt to build a maze The story is told by multiverse explorer astral wylde as he naps during the last fateful trip through the red wave. The storys background is of little consequence to anyone outside astral, but describes the idea that life on most planets in a cataclysm called "the red wave" where upon every organism capable of mutating suddenly, violently and indefinitely until no earth-like quality exists. Its the eyes, ive seen them in my dreams. Now I must draw them. There are records stored in the city of astokhan on everything astral could tell us about the city during the red wave. There are floods of blood, violent uprisings and gory riots. Mothers kill babies, governments fall and deep dark secrets are revealed as everybodies darkest sides are exposed when god walked among them. The human population decreases at an alarming rate. But fortunately it is all worth it, for you see the survivors of the plague are transform into multidimensional beings that seemingly live forever. And during one of his less fuitful periods astral saw fit to return from whatever circle of hell he exists and tell us this story in a ottoman chamber aboard our fancy airship we were dragging him through space with... OOOhhh yes the main chamber should be pretty big Thats all for now folks, see you next time on... He decides to envision chains flowing from his control bracelets into the airship and ripping out a section of the exterior to form a bubble. This bubble is gently illuminated by a combination of weak sunlight and auroras. Meanwhile the skyship falls uncontrollably towards earth spewing fire and wreckage in its wake as it does "Now this you might find interesting" he grins. From the life of a beautiful painter he once knew Part 4 "An aurora occurs when our planet's magnetic field shifts sending energetic particles into the atmosphere producing light in the upper layers, often of a multi-colored hue." The university professor tells us with her droning voice, while we sit around our glowing orbs. "Multi-colored." I write on my note papers. We have these orbs that make everything look so pretty. Astral wydle because of his supernal nature is gifted with perfect memory recall and, although not wishing to brag, an above-average use of declarative sentences. But today he donates his notes to my forgetful brain and lets me jot down whatever I wish to on his perfectly organized pages. Last class we talked about cities that never slept because their streets always had a pulse even when it was long after midnight. And he remembers watching a video from mica metrological in his flamboyant style. A ghost-like aurora over midwest states caused an entire settlement's populace to never sleep again, causing anarchy and the eventual demise of their race. "It is beautiful" he wistfully whispers I supress a laugh by exhaling in his face. Talking about a thirty percent chance of rain that evening I'm still not sure if I find his obsession odd or admirable. Something starts beeping so I peep over his shoulder at the flashing orb and read "air pressure disturbance 1000 meters above current positoin expected te be 300 kph". Looking to the side I can make out a hovering 2 meter disc. He catch me looking and aims his orbs at it. The flashing light sequence continues and skyranch anthyging textual information morphs into readable english. He remembers being at the gory hole as innocent lives were taken. Somethign important must be there or about to happen, he moves his chair slightly turning his back on me as if I'm not even here. Our skyship/home an oversized oval ring with a four-story tall observatory protruding from it has been hovering over the same location for several hours now. These magnetic neareness warnings go off fairly often but I'm not complaining this means he gets distracted pretty easily. A progressive mid tier art gallery in a trendy section of beetriotle specializing in transluscultural fluidic modernism had been open and operating for just a few hours before it was randomly annihilated yesterday erasing the lives of 20 humans and 23 androgynous beings. Almost seemed like they were being targeted, but targets were not among the debris nor any recognizable body parts. Everything appearanted to have been vaporized. Enemy Agents? Turmoil of Zwordur Methodist Church faction? Maybe even unbelievers mercenaries? Known as the bridge of noise and surrounded by a metropolis, two statues were under construction yesterday now nothing but empty round pedestals of identical height. Atmospheric disturbance unusual for the time of day. I can see in his eyes that he is troubled by this event so I sit back tilt my chair and pretend to know nothing. But of all the things he could find interest in why this? There he first learns all of beetriot is laughing at triton arcage again for losing most of its citizens to a single weapon of mass destruction. It seems water is flammable terrifying. not even slunk defends his underfunded military insultingly claiming everything was just according to keikaku---military plan---and volunteerially offered no explanation at all. As he observes the details of a painting at show known as the triumph of the colored venus a bustling section of the city blows up. He counts exactly 2 seconds before the sound arrives. There were two reflections off the city walls before his ears detected the origin of the attack. Big buildings 50 yards to his right there is lots of thick grey stuff hanging in the air temperature has risen rapidly and there are flames on sides of nearby buildings. Knowing all this without even thinking he inaudibly shouts for everyone to take immediate cover and runs behind large marble barrier. That features a group of lesbian women of darker color trampling a pale woman or maybe a man with a shaved head. "Are you okay?", he asks her with concern on his face without looking at her. It hadn't occured to him that anyone else might have been close by until now. His ghostly helmeted head pivots to his right upon hearing her response. -----"Yes, but are you? You look half dead!" -----"Am fine, some soldier I am, getting old and slow" On the faces of a group of contempory news worthy white men carrying lots of camera equipment he recognizes the man he saved from execution yesterday. He was moving after all, I guess he was faking it. He closes his eyes for a few seconds until they are gone altogether and slowly gets up. -----"That was a pretty close call, I'm surprised you reacted so quickly." -----"Heh, I must be losing my touch too then, good thing..." By emerging twenty something artist cherp cherp quintuplets rush past him into the cloud of dust inspecting an 4 foot in diamater polished steel sculpture with attachment bolts flying towards them. Known for her delicate rococo style sculptures the smog turning golden by the sun reveals one of her famous twisted balusters. Otherwise known for being forever on the hunt for new material she was probably seconds away from being reduced to rubble just the same. Even regarding as an eyesore by many he lends a helping hand and takes a small detour. Always looking at your feet it has probably saved her life several times already so why would she accept his help if he tried again? He overhears saul saint nicodemous giving cherp cherp a critique of the piece which he knows would otherwise make her sad so waits. -----"I like it, but maybe move the middle one a little to the right?" -----"Ok"*snap*. -----"No, the other one.*sigh* That wasnt good either---oooo wait----let me help. With a group of other artist friends including a bullfighter, an owner of an erotica shop, a blonde painted girl and a famous male fictional character charging from all directions he waves them back for fear of getting trampled only after they refuse to listen. Perfect execution of an ideas persons suicide in the Gucci manner the sculpture has been perfect mounted on a pole with its own leg shattering it. "Excuse me an eye master I'm looking for Blim Blam would he be around" Katharsis gale the oldest of the group in mid fourties wearing various hats asks him with an engaging smile. "Errrrr... maybe moved in recently but I don't think he is in just now" -----"That's a shame I like his work so much....but I'll leave my card just in case. tell him, not to hesitate if he needs any thing." He says uplifting her spirits she beams brightly at him and waves as she walks away giving nick lazy eyes the entire time. Bransky bronze bright supermacy in her early thirties stand next to him and waits her turn. he remembers her paintings, not having been impressed by the subject matter of cute dumb superpowers though others found them amusing enough to frame and sell. He gives her a "go ahead" nod. -----"Looking for any available artist at this time?" -----"No!" -----"OK then...Word is you have been doing alot of writing lately?" Bransky and chirp standing sliently noding there heads in approval As saul saint goes on and on with bullshit language about destruction of the More nonsense on colonialism he dedicates more time destroying her ideas than praising them Then something incredible happens for once Chirp is second guessing SAINT's choices the verbal abuse he heaps of Blim-Blim. And everyone else. He disapproves of Blim-Blim's paintings, saying that while Blim-Blim might have a good eye (naturally, being an eye master) and an excellent grasping of color and shape, he hasn't got "anything to say" as an artist. An aspect of queer theory that has a giant middle finger up at the rules of heteronormative society. He says they can be sold if framed properly and placed in the right cafe, bar or hipster clothing store to attract the right demographic as easily as magnets. And other fashionable topics of art conflict and provocation that's prevalent in avant-garde places. Hopefully it garners some attention in his small once a decade show of retarded artist rejects sells nothing and passes into obscurity or sold to an idiot for over 5 times the price years later. Your very own degenerate art grant. During this time period you have been wanting to branch out with other ventures of your own as you start to resent SAINTS inclusion of All your publications in his book if he cant even help you get Blim-Blims art, website, connections and assistantship and your writings more noticed. At the end of the sanction you all gather for everyone to find out if they have been accepted or not, Anyone with a supermacy is clearly relaxed as they anticipate the results. You can sense the agitation of some of them who arent powerful enough to easily probe their minds. "Well, I've got the results, and I have some good news and some bad news," saint says, pausing for dramatic effect. Leaving the others shocked ,crestfallen oO( what....did my photo's not make it or what...damnit I knew the colors were too bright and obnoxious.. .) or gleeful "First, the bad news: You didniet get in. Now for the good news. You can all come in for free to see all the art at the exhibition this weekendand, ahem, leave your demos outside if you want!" While kat unable to control herself goes on a giggle fit super bradly focuses his eye beams on saul saint who feels the burn of a thousand suns intensified by 400 percent muttering angrily under his breath you all get up and leave one angry little man ranting as you all giggle like school girls at his bizarre sense of humor. some peoples kids "well that answers that, We're all going peashooting after this amazing art event that will no doubt solidify our social justice creative stronghold in this city" Saul and brankys backs away with out a retort in disgust and you spend your weekend having a great time and going through three bottles of peashooters were It was noted that hack had 9 kills with shrooms, kill coin flips to see who she shot, unhygenic had one, Yoona had two unfortunately Seline not at all Speaking of seline she asks if you will help her again next weekend The group heads for the wine bar wondering about the homeless nature of astral beings And wondering if he comes from the land of lixie dixie, a southern state mostly covered in stagnant water and thick forests. The dealer of gallery motions to cherp to come her way because she wants something You thank Yk TRACE : 0 There is no way around it. I need your help." "Oh? Well what can I do?" you respond. "I'm being sold," she scowls. Trace: 0 You initially think this is one of her usual dirty jokes, but her facial expression shows that she is quite serious. "Sold?" you clarify A collector is interested in buying her work, but he's requested that she be sold together with all of her equipment. The buy in for her includes her tools, sheet music, and instruments. Everything she knows is contained within that room, it would be impossible for her to go elsewhere without losing who she is. Although you're confident that she could easily create another identity elsewhere. Despite her mistrust of the new rulers of this barren realm, selling her seems like the easiest solution to this conflict.Tip: If you're logged in, your games are auto saved for you. You can find them by clicking "My Stuff"
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