#I THINK ABOUT THESE LYRICS ALL THE TIME DID HE KNOW HE VERBALISED MY FEELINGS AND CAUSED | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

princessbrunette · 14 days

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shittysoundcloudrapper!jj was persuasive and he knew it. it took barely any convincing anyway, his pretty best friend was just so whipped for him.

“look all i’m sayin’ is all this could be yours.” he fans the money out, staring you down with the ghost of a smirk as you lounge on his bed. you push your mouth into the corner, considering his offer as you fiddle with the hem of your skirt. it’s not that you didn’t trust jj, you did — you’d just never been so exposed before. his friends would hear this song, strangers would hear this song — you almost couldn’t believe he was asking to record your moans as a backing track for his beat. as you think, your smile grows — the blonde creeping towards you until he’s stood right infront of you, looming over your curled seating position.

“c’mon mama, you smell that?” he caresses your face with the wad of money, running it over your cheek and beneath your nose. “yeah. that’s that paper. hard earned benjys. you wanna help me out, don’t you? know you do.” he cooes and you’re hypnotised, nodding your head with fluttering lashes. it’s times like this he was glad to have you under his thumb.

it’s later on in the evening that things are ready to commence. perhaps when you’d agreed to help jj out, he wasn’t quite clear on the task at hand. yes, he wanted your moans for his backing track — but he didn’t want you stood infront of a mic, awkwardly recreating a scene from pornhub premiums. no, he was after the real deal. authenticity. method acting, so he called it.

“‘cus like, i’on know what’s worse. a chick faking an orgasm when you’re fucking her, or faking it just for the sake of your music. nah, i think… we’re close enough to make the real thing happen. like — for artistic expression… purposes.” he explains as he sets up his little mic, pulling a pair of headphones over his ears to check the sound. “check, check.” he drawls into the mic before nodding in approval.

“so how are we gonna…” you furrow your eyebrows, always having been on the more innocent side of the sex spectrum. before you even get to attempt to verbalise your confusion, the blonde lifts his head — responding like it was no biggie.

“oh, i can totally go down on you. ‘f’thats cool.” his tongue darts out to swipe at the corner of his mouth and you feel your eyes widen. “really you just gotta lay there n’hold the mic. easy as shit.” he shrugs, finally sitting down and looking at you expectedly as you gawk.

“wait, really?” you giggle. you’d thought about it many times, jj maybank between your legs — but now it was all too real, and you didn’t know it would be happening so out of the blue, practically a business proposition. he’s in your space again, cupping your cheek in that way that was far too familiar to just be friendly.

“look — babe, you don’t gotta worry about things being weird, alright? i’m a munch, like actually — aaaand, are you tellin’ me right now, you would say no to a little head? i mean if you don’t want me to eat it you can always y’know, DIY—” he gestures a circular rubbing motion with his middle and ring fingers, alluding to getting yourself off instead. “little dj action. just need the moans to be real. m’going all out director mode here.” somehow, the thought of touching yourself infront of jj was more humiliating — so you shake your head, sucking on your lip in thought.

“no, you can do it.” you whisper and he grins.

“yeah? atta girl. what a team player.” your best friend praises before kissing you quickly on the mouth. something he always did, platonically — but now made your heart speed up a ridiculous amount.

as you lay back shakily on the bed, you think back on the lyrics scrawled in messy handwriting in the notebook he’d leave lying around — the contents pointing to him really being about that eating pussy life. something like ‘sucking all on her clit like it’s my lifeline — she asked to return the favour, already got mine’ underlined in red biro.

it’s a blur after he hits record, kissing on your thighs making you giggle and rubbing you until there’s a wet spot through the cotton of your panties. you know he’s smiling, because you can feel the upwards curve of his mouth when he starts kissing you through the fabric. you’re pleasing him just from letting out the sweetest whimpers, challenging himself to get you to moan louder for the sake of his song.

it’s not long before he’s got you bare from the waist down, legs fanned wide open with his arms round your thighs. by this point, he has to remind himself not to talk as to not disrupt the recording — and you’re doing him proud, not even having to try to release the most breathy, beautiful sounds that he knew would be perfect on the track.

you get pouty as soon as the whole things over, deciding your best friend was a total sicko. he’d gotten all kissy on you, wet lips smushed against yours, his eyes all hazy from arousal as he makes you taste yourself, murmuring about how you did such a good job for him before wandering off shamelessly to the bathroom to jack off. you get shy, still oozing your release onto his grey-blue bed sheets thinking back on the way you begged him to talk you through it. he was focused on his producing, but he couldn’t resist on whispering “there y’go pretty mama. lemme hear it, good girl.” whilst you cream on his mean fingers.

no one seems to think it’s a big deal but you, his friends john b and pope often lazing around his place smoking weed and playing on the playstation, totally unresponsive to jj sat sprawled on the couch with his laptop on his lap, chopping and editing away on some shitty producer plugin — your moans occasionally playing around the room as he clicks away, tongue between his lips in concentration, backwards cap snug over messy blonde strands.

the boys chime in with an occasional comment. “sounds dope, man.” pope hums out brainlessly as he stares at the tv, thumbing aggressively at the console joystick, the brunette beside him quick to agree.

“no yeah, sounds good.” he agrees, eyes even darting towards where you’re curled on the couch painting your toenails, trying to seem nonchalant about the whole thing.

when he drops the song, he promotes it everywhere — and whilst you asked for no credits for your… addition, it seems to go without saying that you’re the girl on the song, no one else even in question as wherever jj goes you’re seen hanging off his arm. his friends might not make a big deal, but you notice the stares when you go out.

rafe cameron has the audacity to corner you at the juice bar, wearing a smirk that just told you that he knew. “yeah uh, love your friends little song.” he stares you down, egging on a reaction. “been playin’ it on a loop for some reason.”

you avoid his eyes. “yeah, it’s pretty good.” you shy away, but he blocks your path.

“mm, for sure, yeah but uh, you— you know i could have sworn i recognised the… female voice in the back. got any idea who that might be or…?” his smirk only grows, licking his lips as he looms over you.

“nope…” the doe eyes give you away.

“huh, ‘cos it kinda sounds like a pretty girl i know.”

you run and tell jj, all sniffly and regretful — knowing that snitching on rafe to jj is only going to cause problems. his reaction is less defensive and aggressive than you imagined, instead leading you through to his bedroom by the waist.

“look, bae — people are gonna talk, alright? doesn’t mean shit. sure as hell don’t care about what rafe thinks.” he sits you down, standing above you as he curls a hand under your chin affectionately. “but hey, if the money wasn’t enough— think i can make it worth your while. y’wanna lay down for me, sweets? no mic this time. jus’ me and that pretty pussy.”

#this is so choppy and weird i hate it #shittysoundcloudrapper!jj #jj maybank prompt #divider by yeossemble

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skamamoroma · 3 years

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I am stacking up so many posts about this god damn show that I am going to be posting about for what feels like forever but on rewatches, I just can’t get over the physicality of the way BK plays Teh and how emotionally complex he is.

He’s a delightful, silly, tortured, intense, sensitive, kind, kinda arrogant, complex and emotionally stunted soul and I love him. But what I find so fascinating when I watch him is how his lack of ability to verbalise sometimes comes out in really specific ways that show just how difficult he finds expressing himself:

Sometimes he just rushes half a sentence out to have it said before he realises what he’s doing and then takes ages to finish it... he does it a lot early on with Oh when the stuff he wants to say is tough to explain but he still feels he can try aka “I don’t like when you place me on the same level as the rest of our friends” and “please don’t give my time to someone else”.

Then when it all starts being too much and he can’t verbalise, he sometimes chooses his signature “tutoring” or Chinese. I have a whole post on the use of Chinese and how it’s used in so many beautifully meaningful ways but i don’t think I’ll ever handle Teh using flash cards on the boat to say the words TRUST, CARE and SAD and the way his voice wobbles when he says that last one because he needs Oh to read into it and know he’s choosing those words for a reason

The way he handles himself sometimes when he’s struggling to verbalise or is in an emotional spiral is absolutely mesmerising. He rolls around on the floor, touches his neck, scratches things, smacks himself with his bag, drapes himself on stuff, leans on things and a whole load of other ways to just EXPRESS because he can’t work himself out and just doesn’t know where to put himself. The most perfect example is the entire boat scene... the long drawn out shot of him losing his god damn mind across the seats! So so good

Even when he’s with Oh he’s often much more focused in but their playfulness often comes out of his delightful weirdness. It’s like their blowing on each other and stuttery movement around each other or the way they just do spontaneous stuff just to catch the other off guard or to get a reaction

The thing that makes it ever so sweet though is that Oh-aew finds it charming... and he often just loves to play along. Like on the beach with the hibiscus flowers, Oh giggles and finds the weirdness endearing and on the beach the day after, Teh is so inside his own head and Oh lets him do his thing, let’s him wander around and run and follow and go through his stuff but then knows Teh we’ll enough to be able to briefly pull him out of his head: he tells him to just do what he wants to and gently dismisses Teh’s classic “lets go tutoring” defence.

And then you get a Teh who is calmer, more chilled, more confident and more in the moment for the entire afternoon (even if he does lean on his Chinese lyrics to speak for him on the cliff a little but we can let him off, he did good that day!)

And it’s just so beautiful because didn’t Oh say on the boat that if Teh can’t tell him things then he’ll just have to be more observant and... well, isn’t he? Oh studies him so often and gives him that time and chance to use so many methods to explain himself. The way Oh guides Teh’s hands after their swim/kiss is so gently helpful, guiding him and helping him make sense of what’s happening as Teh does his adorably weird things and resorts to just collapsing against him... it’s Oh who tries to read it all and find a way to ground him

It happens over and over and over in the show in that same way and it just solidifies that their relationship is not only one that means they each provide something the other hugely lacks and they benefit from each other but they’re so accepting of the other and willing to try to decode the other. By the end, Teh being about to “speak first” and being so much more visibly comfortable with himself is just breathtaking to watch. No wonder he cries at the sunset. The relief to not be as trapped inside himself.

And then I cry because of the song on the soundtrack “Can’t Translate” and I only found out the the Thai version of the name of the show: “Translate my love with your heart”. 😭 is there any part of this show that isn’t perfect and a gorgeous extended metaphor?

#itsay #i told sunset about you #itsay thoughts

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patchwriterarchive · 4 years

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title: a beautiful start

summary: this is a beautiful start, to a lifelong love letter

kenma leaves his stream running during a tender moment

genre: fluff

word count: 1893

sunflower notes: the song used for the title and throughout is ‘i choose you’ by sara bareilles.

finally, the stream was coming to an end, it was a shorter stream than usual for kenma, lasting only about 4 and a half hours compared to his 6-10 hours streams that he usually did. but it had been a long week at the office, dealing with business partners and trying to close deals with other companies and he was tired and wanted nothing more than to just cuddle up on the sofa or bed with you, some takeout, and some good movies. with a gentle sigh and a quick goodbye to the audience, he took his earphones off and closed down the game.

his eyes moved from the screen in front of him to you, a small smile on your face as you swayed your head from side to side, the words from the song playing from your earphones quietly tumbling past your lips. they were just barely audible, his mic wouldn’t have picked up on them and even now, with his earphones sitting on his shoulders, kenma could just barely make the sound out.

“let the bough break, let it come down crashing” it’s a familiar song, one he heard on your playlists while you bustled about in the kitchen making dinner for the two of you or when your fussing about the living room making sure there not a thing out of place when either of your parents come over for a meal or a catch up. his favourite time to hear the song though, is when he’s wrapped up in your arms after a long day at the office or after a particularly long stream and your fingers are carefully tangling themselves in and out of his hair as you scratch at his scalp soothingly, the lyrics just tumble from your lips. it doesn’t happen every time, but he enjoys the times that it does.

“let the sun fade out to a dark sky” he sat for a few seconds, just listening to your singing and swaying along to the music. initially you had come in to put some new gaming merch he got onto the shelf positioned above the sofa behind his main set-up, when you had come in and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek as a greeting his chat blew up about how cute you two were and to let you know that his fans were saying ‘hi’ to you. now, he didn’t know what you were doing, you had been staring at a few of his figurines for a little bit lost to the world around you.

rising from his chair, the stream long forgotten in his mind, he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close to him while he nuzzled into your neck “tell the world that we finally got it alright”

“i choose you” kenams gentle arms around your waist turned you so you were now facing him and he placed his forehead gently against yours with a small smile on his face as you continued to sing to him, a little louder now that you knew he was listening. wanting to enjoy the actual song together, you removed an earbud and placed it in his ear, allowing him to listen to the voice of the original singer. to your surprise, he started to sing along with the music.

kenma wasn’t really one for singing, you being the only person who had heard him sing. it was quiet, but you could definitely make out the words to the song you were enjoying as they fell past his lips. that was also surprising, it wasn’t really the type of song one would expect kenma to know, but you supposed with the amount you listened to it, he was bound to pick it up. “this is a beautiful start”

kenma loved little moments like this. moments where you could just get lost in one another and enjoy each other’s presence. they were small moments of intimacy that made him feel special, kenma knew he was never the most affectionate person in the world and he struggled generally with processing his emotions and figuring them out, so he liked to use moments like these to show just how much you meant to him and to show he loved you, even if he didn’t really verbalise it all that much. “to a lifelong love letter”

“we are not perfect, we learn from our mistakes” pulling one hand from your waist, he slipped it into the pocket of the hoodie he was currently wearing, feeling the velvet of the box he had been keeping hidden for a few weeks now. he had known for about a year that he wanted to marry you, that he wanted to settle down and have a family with you. it had taken him a while to find a ring, searching and searching for one that was just right and when he found it, god was he excited. he desperately wanted to see it on your finger, to finally ask you to marry him. but he just could never find the right time, the past few months had been a whirlwind for the both you to the point where anytime that felt right was overshadowed by something else. first, he wanted to propose about a week after getting the ring but with the announcement of your sibling having a baby it was the wrong time, the next time he wanted to ask you got a huge promotion at work and it wasn’t right, and then he wanted to ask a third time and he closed a big deal at work that resulted in the rapid expansion of bouncing ball.

now, the fourth time he planned to ask was actually a few weeks away. your anniversary was coming up and he had booked you both a week away to [dream location] and was planning to propose there, in fact he had it all planned out to perfection. but life’s funny and sometimes the perfect time comes up at the most unexpected time.

pulling away from you, knema took the little velvet box out of his hoodies and as he sunk down to one knee, the words “i get to be the other half of you” played through the earphones you were now sharing and you couldn’t help but think about how perfect it was. there was a smile on his face as he stared up to you, your eyes started to glaze over, little pin pricks of tears forming in the corners.

“[full name], i love you” clearing his throat slightly, kenma could feel his own tears welling and his voice breaking slightly, “more than i ever thought was possible.” your lip began to quiver slightly as he looked up with so much love and adoration in eyes, “i know i can be difficult to deal with, but you don’t care. where so many others would have given up you stayed with me and showed me that i was worthy of so so much. you loved and cared for me when i though i was unlovable. you mean the absolute world to me.” slowly, he pulled the top of the box to reveal a ring inside, “will you marry me?”

the ring was beautiful, a simple golden band with rainbow gems placed on either side of a small diamond. it suited you both so perfectly. “yes. kenma, yes.” the tears were freely falling now, and you could just about form a coherent response to the sudden proposal. kenma stood slowly, taking your hand in his as he slipped the ring onto your finger before placing a gentle kiss to your lips as you wrap your arms around his neck and pull him in closer to you, “i love you so much kenma.” placing his forehead against yours once again, he would have been happy to just stand there and take you in for the rest of time.

the sound of buzzing pulled you out of your little moment and as his phone buzzed aggressively against his desk, kenma’s eyes moved away from your face and towards the desk. it was kuroo phoning him, his contact image flashing on the screen alongside the name ‘rooster’ giving him away. kenma was determined to let the phone keep ringing, to ignore kuroo and just bask in the bliss that was the happiness he felt in his chest after you said ‘yes’ to marrying him, but kuroo had other ideas because almost as soon as the image faded away and buzzing stopped it started again. with a gentle huff and a roll of his eyes, kenma removed himself from your embrace and finally picked up the phone with an annoyed “what?”

on the other side, kuroo was slightly frantic. he had just seen his best friend propose to his girlfriend, and while he was happy for him and had already determined he was claiming best man, he knew how private the gamer could be, especially about his relationship, and he knew he did not want such a moment of tenderness to be seen by millions of people “dude, you’re still streaming!” his voice was panicked and slightly higher pitched then normal, something kenma immediately picked up on.

it took kenma a few seconds to process what he had said, his eyes widening slightly as he shifted to sit down on his gaming chair once more eyes scanning across the screen to see his chat going wild with shocked comments and congratulations, there were a few hateful ones but his eyes moved on from them quickly. this wasn’t like him, he always remembered to turn everything off and make sure he wasn’t on camera. he knew how vicious people online could be and he never wanted anything like that getting to you, which is why he tried to keep your relationship as private as possible. yes, his fans knew about you and who you were with you occasionally appearing in a stream, but moments like this where it should just be the two of you he kept to himself. well, he tried to anyway.

this was really the first time he had messed up, he couldn’t believe he forgot to stop the stream and turn the cameras of. it was a rookie mistake and one he knew he couldn’t make again. quickly, he gave an apology and another goodbye and shut the stream down, making sure everything was down this time and that the cameras were turned off. gently, you placed a hand on his shoulders, your tears now stopped with the only evidence you had been crying being the red nose and the puffiness of your eyes. placing his hand over yours, kenma leaned his cheek down to lay against them and let out a sigh.

“it’s alright kenma.” as your other hand came down to his other shoulder, you leaned your chin on his head softly, “they were going to find out anyway.” letting out a gentle chuckle, you placed a kiss to his hair, “my only problem is my parents will kill me, and you, for not telling them first.” a chuckle resonated from kenma, the stress melting away from him at your continued reassurance about the whole thing. leaning his head backwards so that he could look up to your face, kenma let out a huff, “yeah, i guess. we should probably phone them.” with a light laugh and a roll of your eyes you responded, “yeah, we should.”

#kenma #kenma x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu #kenma drabble #.sunflowerwrites #.sunflowerstories #kenma kozume #kenma kozume x reader #hq x reader #kenma scenario #kenma oneshot

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fusonzai · 3 years

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I think I'm talking about confidence, I'm not too sure.

I was fifteen when I first saw Great Teacher Onizuka. My friend had lent me the DVD set (as you did when it was 2008) and I was about to spend the day watching it, feigning some illness to get out of school for the day. I needed some time alone, to process everything that had been going on around me.

For context, my parents were in the middle of a divorce. My mum, the most amazing person in the world to me, was not having a good time and I was not at all possessed with the skills to help her cope. Processing the concept of divorce, while trying to mediate the two adults going through it, wasn’t something I could handle. I didn’t know what I was doing. I needed a whole day away from friends and away from parents. While everyone was at their day job, I could think about everything and nothing, uninterrupted.

My attempt at getting out of school worked, however it came with a caveat. Mum had decided she’d take the day off with me. Feeling defeated but still stubborn, I insisted that if she was going to stay home too that we were watching GTO. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.

GTO begins with our protagonist, Eikuchi Onizuka, squatting down by a payphone, trying to stare up the skirts of some high school girls coming down the nearby escalator. That’s a bold open. Two delinquents notice this and attempt to then extort him for cash. He promptly beats them up, forcing them to use all the money they have to buy him some food from the nearby convenience store. This scene establishes a few things straight off the bat: Onizuka is, first and foremost, a pervert and he’s physically strong but not to the point of unfairly asserting dominance over others. Onizuka dreams of being a teacher of all things. He wants to be the teacher he never had, being there for students outside the classroom as well as in. The series showcases Onizuka using his ex-biker gang leader skills and sheer determination to change the attitude of the antagonist students in his class. Each week he solves the reason behind their resistance toward him and they join his team until eventually he really is the Great Teacher, Onizuka.

The first delinquent problem Onizuka solves is that of Mizuki Nanako. Her parents aren’t divorced but they’re not exactly doing well. Ever since her father’s company started doing well and they moved into a mansion, she feels as though her parents just aren’t seeing eye to eye anymore. She blames it on a simple wall separating her parents’ private rooms. Before it got put up, her parents would talk and laugh together, sharing in their joys but also their defeats. Then before she knew it, they put a wall up and stopped sharing anything at all.

So, Onizuka arrives at her house. He’s got a bandana tied around his head, his abs gleaming as he’s smoking a cigarette. More importantly, he’s holding a sledgehammer, ready to demolish that wall. With her parents yelling at him threatening to call the police, Onizuka ascends the staircase and begins to take down that wall. Every powerful swing, shaking the wall and cracking the foundation.

(What a man what a man what a man what a might good man)

It felt cruel watching this scene with my mum. Here we were, two people still trying to process a big life event, opting to spend the day away from the problem. Here Onizuka was, just smashing through the problem with nothing but conviction, stupidity and sheer confidence. I couldn’t quite conceptualise the thought just yet but I think I envied that confidence. I wanted to be able to take a sledgehammer to this invisible problem and fix it. I didn’t know what an actual sledgehammer would solve nor was I even able to figure out what my situational sledgehammer would be, I just knew I wanted to be more like that. I wanted that confidence; I just didn’t know what it was yet.

Confidence. A complete assuredness in your actions. You may not have any idea of the outcome of said actions but you’re certain in the choice you made taking them. Maybe that’s just one definition. I struggle to this day with how to define confidence, I’ve been confident at different times in my life for different reasons. Mainly it’s been something I’ve found as I’ve gotten older though.

I struggled a lot with it when I was younger. I’d struggle to find it and when I did there was someone there trying to take it from me almost immediately. Pink polos were gay, skinny jeans were gay, being interested in anything outside the norm was gay as well. I wasn’t bullied by any means but there was always somebody around to tell you what they thought. I’d fold under that kind of pressure. I remember when I was 10 and we were in music class, I sang a little too loud and the popular girls behind me started pointing and laughing, clipping me before I got too sure of myself.

I got older and I thought I’d found confidence through weight training, but it was just arrogance. I genuinely thought I was better than other people in my creative writing class because I picked heavy things up and put them down. Of course, this had a drawback, whenever I’d meet someone bigger than me, I’d feel pathetic, jealous and inferior. I thought I’d rid myself of this arrogance when I started studying Japanese. My initial study was diligent and excessive. I’d have two Japanese classes a week and spend the rest of my time after work revising. Looking back now it was necessarily efficient studying, but in terms of time put in the hours were there. I believed I was working hard, which led to this arrogance in my abilities. An arrogance that was swiftly cut down whenever I met somebody better than me.

So, I always arrived at this juncture where I’d learn a new skill or hobby and wonder how to be confident in myself without comparing myself to others. I didn’t quite know how to praise myself for doing well at the gym or learning something new in Japanese without immediately comparing myself to others. It meant that I’d occasionally have these emotional highs when I achieved something only to be brought down to earth when I saw that somebody could do it better. I didn’t know how to make my achievements my own. The confidence I had was too fickle, it didn’t come from within and it often led to feeling superior to others based off of a single quantifier.

I was still uncomfortable with myself. I wanted outside validation which led to comparison, boasting and arrogance. I didn’t realise that I couldn’t get any of that from anyone else, it all had to come from within.

It’s taken me 14 years, but Onizuka finally made sense to me. I was watching the incredibly famous (in Japan) live action version of GTO one night, which turned into a nostalgia trip as all the episodes were almost identical to their anime equivalent. As I was watching I was wondering why I still hold this fictional character in such high regard, of all the powerful charismatic anime protagonists I watched in my teenage years, why does Onizuka persevere?

It’s because he’s kind of a dork.

(Get you a man that can do both)

Along with the confidence and strength that being a protagonist in a medium geared towards young boys affords you, Onizuka also has some very human flaws and vulnerabilities. The intense scenes like surprise renovating Nanako’s house or rescuing a whole bunch of kids from a gang are always juxtaposed with him being absolutely wayward in so many other aspects of life. He lives at the school because he can’t afford rent, he’s 26 and never had a girlfriend and his only friends are his students. We are always shown that his confidence isn’t intrinsically linked to how well his life is going, it’s just his feeling and determination in the moment. For all that bravado we see, we’re also shown the more human, relatable aspects. He’s amazing, brave and confident, but at the same time he’s still vulnerable and human.

Yet here’s the thing, I thought confidence meant a lack of vulnerability. I thought one couldn’t be both confident and vulnerable. This isn’t some segue into Boys Don’t Cry or a delve into masculinity. I didn’t believe that vulnerability wasn’t masculine, I just thought that vulnerability meant you had a long way to go before you were allowed to be confident.

(These lines go from bravado to insecurity in an instant, but I still think Tyler is confident as fuck)

I show what I feel to be the pretty vulnerable content on this blog. I write about my doubts and insecurities, the events that shaped me and the times in my life where I really felt at my lowest. I document the struggle I find myself in now, trying to carve something for myself and come to terms with the changes that keep happening around me. I don’t think anybody reading this would have an image of me as an outgoing, confident person. There’s rays of positivity sprinkled in occasionally but it’s generally content that I struggle to tell people in person.

Before starting this blog, I would have imagined that if I wanted to become this confident idealised version of myself, I’d need to erase any form of vulnerability. Delete the Instagram posts with moody lyrics, delete the couple shots and stop caring. I’d need to kill part of myself to become someone different. I couldn’t consciously accept that they were two signs of the same coin, even if I knew it in the back of my mind. The more I’ve been writing the better I’ve been feeling. These fears and insecurities being out in the open don’t make me any weaker, they actually feel like progress. My weaknesses will exist regardless of whether or not I tell people about them, my insecurities won’t disappear overnight. I’ll never be someone I’m not. What I can do is take these things that used to terrify me and put them out in the open. In my last piece I waxed on about making my words my own, by verbalising and bringing these thoughts into the open I feel like they become my own. They’re not completely stripped of power but they don’t hold the same sway over me that they once did.

So that leaves me with confidence. I can air my vulnerabilities and doubts but then where does my confidence come from? How do I then stop it from becoming arrogance?

Let me tell you about Charisma Man.

You know how when Superman goes back to Krypton he’s just a regular person, but on Earth he’s basically a God? Charisma Man is a joke (turned comic) about how Western Men often believe themselves to be Superman on Earth when they move to Japan. Why? You’re basically bombarded with compliments from the get-go. You get told your Japanese is amazing (when it’s not), that you’re so tall (when you’re short back home) and that you’re such a handsome man (when all experiences up until now have led you to believe the opposite). Thus, you create a kind of false confidence for yourself. Or do the people around you do it for you? You yourself haven’t changed but the people around you have, and they’re whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

(Honestly didn't know it was a comic, initially heard of it on a subreddit making fun of other expats in Japan)

Hell, maybe I am good looking? I studied Japanese for a year back home, maybe I am just really good at it? Maybe those people around me back home were just obnoxiously tall and mean. Maybe I am the shit. You begin to formulate this new identity for yourself. You are Charisma Man now. You’ll be making heaps of money, have girls on standby and be loved by everybody in no time.

Except that never happens.

The reality of Charisma Man isn’t so bright. You’re probably an English teacher living somewhere far away from the big city. Your apartment is probably small and old and your salary is half as much as you were making back home. Despite being told about how good your Japanese is, you still can’t turn on the TV and watch a program. You still can’t go to the bank and open an account with your bilingual Japanese friend. You’re still single and you’re probably getting fatter off convenience store fried chicken, if anything.

It’s fake confidence with no merit, built on nothing. You haven’t put yourself out there or done anything to earn that confidence so it always feels foreign to you. There isn’t some feat you perform or some hurdle you cross to get that kind of confidence. You’re not smashing walls with your sledgehammer or confronting your fears and growing. You just get fed compliments until your confidence balloon bursts.

I felt like I was Charisma Man for a hot minute. Separated from everyone I knew, out drinking every night, being complimented left right and centre. I kept trying and failing to keep my feet on the ground. Back then I thought it was new-found confidence, but I wasn’t really coming out of my shell; I was just being obnoxious. After long the facade faded and I realised I was the exact same Elliot I was back in Australia, just with less money and a nicer haircut.

I began to think about my experience. Why was I so confident? Why did it dissipate so quickly? Why was I not the only one that experienced this little phenomenon?

I came to the conclusion that confidence can come from many places. It can come from other people, but then it’s reliant on the praise of others. It’s shallow, fickle and bound to dissipate sooner rather than later. You’re constantly reliant on the praise of others to affirm who you are as a person, you can fool people into giving you praise but that goes away before you know it as well.

It’s a big enough of a struggle to understand yourself, it’s near impossible to understand strangers. Relying on such an unstable form of validation is essentially just inviting mental trauma in the long run.

On the other hand, confidence can also come from within.

After I distanced myself from all that charisma, I began to realise that I felt my best and my most confident when I actually put the work in. I started properly studying, eating well, and writing down my thoughts. It didn’t matter as much if people didn’t say anything, because I went to bed every night knowing that I put in enough work. Nobody said anything about the change, but I felt like I was becoming my own biggest supporter.

It’s both rewarding and daunting when you switch dopamine suppliers. I used past tense in those last few sentences because that particular fountain hasn’t been flowing so well lately. The flip side of not letting other people’s compliments fuel you anymore is that when you’re not doing right by yourself, that confidence tend to dry up pretty quickly.

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anciientboosh · 4 years

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Henlo! For the Behind the Scenes asks, how about 8, 14, and 19?

Hello friend!

8. Do you listen to music while you write? If so, share a song that has been inspiring you lately.

Ooooh boy. I'm 100% listen to music when I write, it's like a compulsion. I also find a lot of my fics are born from listening to music and particular songs or lyrics sticking with me? For example I Can't Stop Now Because I'm Dancing was 100% spawned because I was listening to old CD's and had a lightbulb moment.

I also have a tendency to make playlists for my long fics and end up naming chapters/sections after a particular song that I think encapsulates the mood of that chunk - which might be considered cringe but I am who I am.

I have two songs I'm listening to on repeat at the moment (while writing a new project and while plugging away at chapter 5 of Keep Making trouble - have fun figuring out which is which of the implications thereof) and they are

Burning Bridges - Bea Miller

Trouble - Valerie Broussard

14. If you were stuck on a desert island with only two characters, which would you pick?

Okay it's probably super predictable to say Vince and Howard isn't it. So consider this, in light of me spending a lot of my time lately writing in Crossover form, I would probably take a mismatched pair because they're doing wonders for my entertainment at the minute.

I'd probably take Howard for sure (sorry Vince) because we've already seen how helpful he'd be in trying to actually plot us off the island. And I'd wanna help him write his document of the journey with tweezers. And opposite that? I'm really really really falling in love with Jones at the moment. For a character that had maybe 4 mins total screen time we as a fandom have ran with him and given him a life of his own and whatever nonsense I'm tossing into the mix with my ramblings has only made me more soft on him. He'd probably try to build instruments out of driftwood and it would be a soft experience all round.

(on the other hand being on a desert island with Dan and Vince would also be pretty incredible I mean wow)

19. Who is the easiest/hardest character for you to write about, why?

In general I feel like I'm still getting to grips with all of them in Boosh world. I only picked up writing for them in Dec so I know I'm not perfect at any of them.

That being said, I find Howard a lot easier to write than Vince, but ironically, I don't write for him as much. I'm not sure if that's cause I'm a glutton for punishment or what? But Howard feels a lot more relatable to me personally. I can get that voice in my head no problem, and I can talk about how and why he might be doing things and feel like, yes, this is definitely a Howard stance to take. I feel like as well, cause a lot of the show finds us tailing Howard so we can watch him get into trouble week after week, he feels slightly more familiar? And in terms of his function within the duo he is typically the straight man in any given scene (esp is Rich Fulcher is also in frame) so a lot of what he does might feel slightly more natural to try and verbalise than the wacky thing going on he's reacting to. I'm not entirely sure if any of that made sense, but yeah, Howard is easiest.

Hardest by far is Vince (and guess who's pov I write in 90% of the time?). It sounds a bit silly but I genuinely have to wind myself up to be him sometimes, even when I'm writing Vince angst. Show Me What I Can't See probably took as long as it did to write because it was a real process trying to control the inner Vince that was demanding more screen time. Especially a season 1 Vince who had in no way started the growing up process yet and was very much untouched by the world as it was. And because in the show he is portrayed as such a niave, sunshiney, wacky childlike character I'll have some trouble trying to rationalise certain thought processes and actions for him? As seasons go on he does grow up some, which helps, but in terms of overall demeanor he's still very innocent and immature. I also have a real problem of setting out to tell a story in a specific way and then getting into it and Vince telling me he doesn't feel as if it's very him to do/say that thing and in hindsight he's usually right, but it means writing for Vince is a thing that takes time. And on self reflection I think I still need to work on some aspects of his inner voice. That sounds like a lot of me slamming Vince it's not I love him to bits, tbh.

Yikes I said I wouldn't ramble but I did. I'm sorry, I like talking apparently. Who knew.

Thank you for the asks!

#Writing bts #My writing #Ask game #I got an ask!

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kpopboysreact · 6 years

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BTS Reaction - You Admit to Struggling with Self-Love

This wasn't requested but I decided to do it not just because my inbox is acting up and I can't see any of my requests, but as an homage to the finale of BTS’ Love Yourself trilogy ❤️

Will be there for you through it all. On your high days and your low days, Namjoon will be right by your side. He’ll be the one to assure you that some days, self-love is harder than others and that it might just seem impossible. But he’d dedicate his life to making sure that when you looked in the mirror, you loved the person looking back at you just as much as he did. He’d text you every day a new thing he loves about you. Think I’m exaggerating? I mean something more than just “I love your eyes”. You’d wake texts saying “I’m in love with the way the warmth of your smile brightens the room.” And he’d hope you came to appreciate that about yourself, too.

Jin

Jin will be incredibly sympathetic, thinking back on the days when he was struggling with self-love and thinking he was worthless compared to his members. It wasn’t easy for him to love himself, and he’d vocalised that to the ARMY quite a few times. But he’d managed to find his inner strength in doing what he loves, and he’d help you chase your passions in the same way. If there’s something you love to do, Jin would get into it himself! And you would have great times together. Jin would just hope that in those times, you saw the happiness and beauty in life as well as the beauty within yourself.

Suga

His own demons disappeared when he was with you, so he just subconsciously assumed you felt the same way around him; never thinking about inner demons at all. But learning that you were struggling silently, Yoongi’s heart shattered. From that point on, you became each other’s fighter, reminding each other to take care of and love yourselves for who you are. A close relationship with Yoongi, romantic or platonic, would include a deep understanding of each other’s souls and cores; everything once you take away the physicality. Who you are, truly, was an escape for him. And now that he knows you’re fighting the same fight, he would try to be yourescape. He’d encourage you to leave all your doubts and insecurities behind when you’re with him and just be. Now every night before he goes to sleep, he’s kept awake by the hopes that you’ll be able to continue that mindset one day even if he isn’t around.

J-Hope

Crushed. He felt almost as if his soul was being put through a grinder. He’s always making everyone happy, but what about you? What good was making other people happy if he couldn’t make the person he loves more than anyone else in the world happy with themselves? Hobi would change a little bit, adapting to what he thinks would help you. Maybe instead of cheering you up by joking around, he would cheer you up by telling you something about yourself that inspires him. After all, you’re the reason behind his happiness and smile to begin with. Now, he’d fight to bring about your own smile and self-appreciation.

Even if you didn’t want him to, Taehyung would look at you a little bit differently from the point you told him you’re struggling with self-love on. I don’t mean this in a bad way. He didn’t pity you or think any less of you. In fact, he was amazed in the saddest of ways. How could someone who brought about such happiness and pure joy in another person not feel that way about themselves? You were an enigma to him. But as tragically fascinating as you were, Tae was determined to help you change your outlook on yourself. He’d be surprisingly deep in doing so. You brought out sides of him that wouldn’t have existed without you, including a man with more passion and fire in his heart than ever. And he hoped he could help bring out sides of you that you didn’t appreciate or even know.

Jimin

Jimin would feel guilty, blaming himself for not seeing it sooner. You’re his world, and knowing that you struggled in one of the most painful ways made him feel as if his world was collapsing. If you weren’t confident in some of your physical attributes, Jimin would be shocked. Every part of you was so beautiful in his eyes; so ethereal. He’d kiss those parts gently while telling you what he loved about them, all the hundreds of reasons he blames himself for keeping bottled up. If you weren’t confident in some of your emotional qualities, Jimin would be just as baffled. You were a part of him; who you are as a person completes him. And he would make sure he told you that every time he got a chance to. He wouldn’t let you be consumed by your own dark thoughts, and swore to protect you from them.

Jungkook

I genuinely think Jungkook would be lost. He’s so young, and has literally been raised in an industry where you have to fight for yourself or you won’t get anywhere. He’s confident in himself and in his abilities and even though everyone has their down days, Jungkook couldn’t imagine what it would be like if that was a daily battle for him. Yet, he wished it on himself rather than on you. He would ask his hyungs for advice, not mentioning your name in particular to respect your privacy, but due to Jungkook’s frantic stutters and desperation, they’d probably be able to guess fairly easily who he was so concerned about. Jungkook googled self-love, looked deep into the lyrics written by his members, and would write his own little poems that he wanted you to read in your times of weakness. He isn’t the best at verbalising his feelings, being too shy at times. So those poems would say all the things he was too shy to, everything from how much he loved you to how proud he is of you. He just hoped it helped.

#bts reactions #bts #Kpop reactions #kpop #rm #namjoon #jin #seokjin #bts jin #yoongi #suga #jhope #hobi #hoseok #taehyung #v #bts v #jimin #park jimin #bts jimin #jungkook

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etherealrj · 7 years

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bad at love - part two

pairings - reddie

words - 1.3K

warnings - none

part one

part three

part four

It was quite easy to say that the car ride to the arcade was the most awkward situation either boy had been in since walking in on Richie’s parents getting it on, on Richie’s 16th birthday.

Eddie completely shut down once inside the beat-up piece of shit that Richie calls a car. Although none of the losers would give it up for the world, they’ve all been through too much in this car but it was still a piece of shit.

Eddie cringes at idea of the copious amount times Richie has been balls deep inside his girlfriend in this very seat. He tries not think about that too much not wanting to mentally scar himself even more than he already is.

“Eds,” Richie mumbles from the drives seat. “You-You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong but I’m here to listen.” He pauses to turn down the busy main street of Derry. “Like, if you want. Y'know?” Eddie doesn’t verbalise a response but sends a subtle nod in Richie’s direction hoping that was enough to get his message across.

He appreciates it. He really does, Richie’s never this quiet, especially when they are driving, he always feels the need to turn whatever loud repulsive song is playing on the radio, blasting it from the speakers while screaming at the top of his lungs. Eddie lets out an affectionate huff at the memory of Richie belting out the lyrics to Shaggy and looking utterly ridiculous while doing so.

“Earth to Eddie Spaghetti,” Richie says obnoxiously waving a hand in front of his face. Breaking Eddie from his thoughts, he realised he’d been staring off into space for the past few minutes. Eddie pushes Richie’s hand away from his face.

“Ugh, get your hand away from me.”

Richie lets out a loud laugh before leaning into Eddie, “That’s not what you’ll be saying later tonight, baby boy.” Eddie rolls his eyes, before shoving the car door open and heading toward the arcade, he walks off on Richie half heartedly listening to him proclaim sex noise from the top of his lungs across the carpark. Heavy footsteps echo on the bitumen behind him, Eddie can hear the boys aspirated voice faded as he entered the building. The amount of kids running around always seems to overwhelm him.

Eddie feels Richie put his hand on his shoulder, immediately calming his senses. The taller boy guides him toward the booth in the back. The loud laughs from their pals brings a small smile to Eddie’s face.

“Eddie! Richie! We we’re starting to worry.” Mike says with a big smile as he shuffles over to make room for the pair.

“Yeah. You guys are late.” Stan added, brushing the single curl from in front of his eye behind his ear.

“Sorry guys, Eddie was trying to get into my pants. I needed to remind him that I have prior engagements.” Eddie slapped Richie across the chest before leaning his head back against the booth, repressing the urge to wipe everything down with antibacterial wipes. Ben snorted loudly at the pair.

“Speaking of girlfriend!” Bev exclaimed. “How are you guys?” Eddie listened intently to Richie’s answer, noticing a slight hesitation. He cracked opened one of his eyes to see the taller boy staring at his face.

“We, um” He paused. “It’s good, great even.” Eddie groaned internally, supressing a sigh. “For her. I think. I’m trying really hard to just love her but I can’t.”

“W-W-w-hat?” Bill stutters. His stutter extremely worsened due to the heavy surprise of Richie’s statement. It had gotten better since they were thirteen, all the Losers were incredibly proud of Bill’s effort to improve his speech patterns.

“You didn’t mention this in the car Rich?” Eddie questions, slightly more intrigued than necessary. He’s still his best friend regardless of what he feels for the other. Richie glances around the table and lands his focus on Eddie.

“She told me, she’s in love with me.”

“What’s the matter with that? You guys say that all the time?” Ben said. Richie paused looking down at his hands placed upon the table. Eddie was feeling more excited than deemed acceptable but the look on Richie’s face was telling him it wasn’t all that important.

“I love her like I love Eddie’s Mom.”

“It’s enough, but not enough. No offense Ed.” Eddie snorted and waved his hand.

“So, what are you gonna do?” Eddie asked nibbling on his lower lip.

“Yeah, you can’t just leave her hanging.” Mike added after taking a sip from what Eddie could only imagine too be Mike’s all-time favourite strawberry milkshake.

“If you were in the same position you wouldn’t appreciate it.” Stan said in-between bites of his fruit salad. The poor boy could only ever eat the food his Mother prepared for him, he always had to bring food with him whenever they all go out.

“If you don’t love her at all, you need to break up with her. The sooner the better.” Bev said with a raise of her eyebrows.

Richie sighed before saying, “That’s not even the worst part.”

“W-w-what could b-be w-worse than that?” Bill asked. Richie leaned back into the red booth, back relaxing against the worn vinyl.

He lifted his arm and settled it on the back of the chair behind Eddie’s back. “I’m in love with someone else.” Eddie’s whole entire world seemed to simultaneous brighten and dull all at once.

Moments past by when suddenly Eddie is pulled from his thoughts by a slap on his back followed by Richie’s departure. Eddie shook his head and faced the group. All five other members seemed to have targeted their attention toward him. “What just happened? Where’d Rich go?”

“You weren’t listening?” Ben said. “He’s going to break up with Jane.” The table went silent all the remaining members of the Loser’s attention focus’ on Eddie.

“What?” Eddie said with a shake of his head glancing around at the Loser’s.

“Whose gonna tell him?” Eddie looks over to Mike, an unreadable expression etched onto his face.

“Y-you know he loves y-you right?” Bill says, eyes widened as he glances across the round table at Eddie. Eddie shakes his head.

“He’s been spending a lot of time with Roxanne lately.” Eddie trailed off, glancing around the room at anything but his friends. The old worn out red seats that loitered the walls, the dark carpet covered in a multitude of questionable stains, the walls lined with pinball machines and the area slowly filling with children all rushing around, hoping to get a spot in line in front of their favourite game. The arcade was always busy on Friday nights, the absence of Riche was unnerving. Eddie knowing the only reason he still comes here is for boy. He mentally wished the boy luck in whatever course he was taking with Jane.

“Eddie,” Bev said. “It’s you. It always has been.”

“Well-Well, I- Maybe I don’t like him back, did you ever think of that huh? What makes you think that I Eddie Kaspbrak would ever feel anything for Trashmouth Richie Tozier? Have you seen that boy? Have You? There are no redeeming qualities about him whatsoever. Not even his soft curls or-or his dark eyes that make you feel warm all over or the number of freckles that always seem to multiply across his nose every other week. Or-or even that small smile that plays on his lips when he sleeps and that fact his literally as blind as a bat without those ugly ass glasses. Don’t even get me started on those stupid Mom jokes he’s always making or-or his annoying habit to give everyone and everything a fucking nickname. I don’t have any feelings for Richie Tozier. Ugly! Everything is just ugly.” Eddie sucked in a hard breath from previously exhausting all his oxygen from prior events. He was met by five faces which he was all too familiar with, all sporting the same amused expression.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and before he had any time to reaction, the pale faced curly headed boy he knew all to well was leaning over him. If Eddie were to turn his face slightly to the left there would be no avoiding the beautiful face of Richie Tozier. Eddie swallowed down a lump in his throat. “Wow Ed’s, you’ve wounded me. Didn’t know you had it in ya.”

A/N sike guys theres gonna a part three because i’m wayyyy to invested in this story. I hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think! I had a lot of problems posting this so I hope it posted the right one lmao

if you wanna be in the taglist lemme know!

masterlist

request here

TAGLIST : @rupkin @tastes-like-cherry-coke @simply-another-stranger @croke-park-princess @scienceyyy @irwinxbmth @dauntless-demigod23 @funkymonkey021 @80srichie @kalikalooed @buckynatlarry @whoisjjacob

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