#I am fucking DYING at this thing look at it

[agathaandbrienneslesbian]

Heart of Gold - Part 2

Miranda Hilmarson x Mounted!Police!Fem!Reader

HELLO EVERYONE <3 I finally managed to finish Part 2 of my Miranda Hilmarson Fic. I'm sorry it took so long but it's finally here. I hope you enjoy this little addition to the first part. I'm not yet sure if I should make a 3rd part but if you guys want one, I'll look into it <3

Huge thanks to @weemssapphic for proofreading this part <3

Disclaimer: English is not my first language!

Warnings: Talk of bullying, talk of death and dying, descriptions of blood, death and being shot (I'm sorry... this is an angsty one)

Authors Note: Hurt/Comfort with a shit ton of Angst. I hope you guys enjoy <3

Words: 2'400+

AO3 Link

Taglist

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“Why do you care so much about me?”

You look at her, unable to answer the question. Should you tell her? Should you take the risk and risk the friendship you’ve built? Miranda looked at you intensely, chest heaving from being dragged around. You tried to collect your thoughts but just as you were about to answer, Miranda dropped her head, looking down at her feet. A sigh of defeat left her lips.

“It’s a joke to you as well isn’t it?” she asked through clenched teeth, tears threatened to spill from her eyes any second. You looked at her in shock.

“No! No Mir that's not the case!!! That's not the case at all-”

“Save it!” Miranda looked up at you, eyes red, tears wetting her face as she furiously wiped the back of her hand over her cheeks. 

“I should have known… you’re like everyone else… I- I should have never trusted you…” and with that, Miranda stormed out before you could say anything else. 

The defeat on her face, the betrayal, the way she looked so full of hope only for it to be replaced by pain, a pain you felt right in this moment with her. How could you have fucked up this bad… you should have just told her… you should have just SHOWN her. You had to catch up to her. Without further hesitation your feet carried you through the stables towards the parking lot only to see her drive off in a hurry.

“Shit… SHIT'' Defeated, you return to the stables to gather your things and leave. You’d see her tomorrow! You’d get your chance to talk to her again… hopefully.

—

However, luck wasn’t on your side. Miranda had started avoiding you, leaving the room when you entered, walking the other direction when you walked towards her. And this had been going on for a few weeks now.

It hurt. 

You knew better than to follow her but… it hurt. After a particularly busy day, you went to get some drinks with your colleagues, wishing you were with Miranda. A heavy sigh left your lips as you absentmindedly picked at the label of your beer. You felt sick…

“Hey guys… I’m gonna go home… I don’t feel too well…”

You stood, handing your beer to your friend, and gathered your things. Of course you were met with protest but you just ignored it, and soon enough they figured that it might be best to just let you leave. So that is what you did. 

Exiting the pub you felt the cold breeze on your skin. The air was a bit chilly and it smelled like rain. Cool darkness enveloped you and you stood there for a minute, just feeling the breeze on your skin and the smell of rain. When you opened your eyes again, that’s when you saw her. 

Miranda anxiously stepped on a cigarette she’d just finished. It looked as if she were considering coming into the pub or not. She hadn’t seen you yet. Should you approach her? Go back inside? Before a choice could be made, she looked up, making eye contact. You were expecting her to run away, to flee from your loving and pained gaze once again but…. She didn’t. She held your gaze, waiting. 

“Miranda-“

“Can we walk?”

She interrupted. You looked at her, surprise painted all over your face as she just waited for you to reply. Quickly, you nodded, walking over to her and following.

“Miranda… I am so sorry. If I have done something that hurt you please just let me know I-“

“Don’t apologise… I should-“

The blonde took a deep breath, shoving her hands in her vest pockets and looking down at her feet, kicking some stones around as she walked with you. She had missed you… but she needed time to think.

“I should have let you answer that night… I am sorry…”

Suddenly, Miranda stopped, looking out over the beach and the dark ocean. You stood beside her, your eyes trained on her face. You had to tell her how you feel. You had to let her know that she is worthy of love and affection. That she is beautiful, wonderful, perfect. In your eyes, Miranda was perfect. 

“I care because you’re worth it.”

Miranda was avoiding your gaze, but you saw her eyebrows furrow. This just spurred you on more.

“I care because you are worth the time and energy. I care because you are the sweetest and most adorable and kind person on this planet. I care because you lit up my world when I met you the very first time. You make my days better and I cannot fall asleep or wake up without thinking of you.”

Miranda looked down at you, her eyes, usually so blue and bright now seemed grey, and were welling up with tears. Carefully, you took her hand into yours, giving her a reassuring squeeze with your hands.

“I care because I fell in love with you…. Miranda… I love you”

You said it, admitted your feelings, and it sent a rush of anxiety down your spine, leaving its sticky tingling feeling behind. You were expecting her to leave again, to get upset at you… what you didn’t expect were her lips suddenly pressed against yours, a big hand with long, slim fingers, gently cupping your cheek and pulling you closer.

Miranda had hoped you would say that. It took her a while to realise… several weeks. She simply wasn’t used to it. No one had ever shown her the care and affection you had. And she found herself falling for you. Afraid you would hate her if she admitted it, she kept quiet.

But that night…. She had to know. 

However, as soon as the question left her lips, she felt herself getting anxious. She was terrified. What if you said you pitied her and that’s why you ‘acted’ like you cared so much? So, before you could answer, she pulled away. She ran away. To protect herself, not noticing how much her actions had hurt you. Until she saw how your smile faded, how your eyes stopped shining, how you seemed to have lost your joy. And she hated herself for hurting you so much. 

“I am sorry Y/N… I… love you too. I was just anxious and-“

Now it was your turn to interrupt her with a kiss. Your arms wrapping around her shoulders, holding her close. You didn’t need to hear more. It was no secret that Miranda was oftentimes anxious. Who could blame her… she’s been through a lot. 

“I’ve heard everything I needed to hear Mir… you don’t have to apologise. You’re okay. I am not mad at you. I’m glad you told me…”

Your whispers and words of affirmation and understanding caused Miranda to completely dissolve. Her tears flowing freely as she held onto you, finding comfort in your embrace. She did not know how she deserved you, but she would be an idiot if she’d ever let go of you. You loved her… and she loved you. 

—

And so it happened that the two of you became the cutest couple at the police station (at least according to you two. Who cares what the others think).

More often than not, you brought Miranda a coffee, some treats or even flowers. You started spending almost every waking moment together, only separating to go home and sleep. 

Both of you wanted to take it slow. There was no hurry. You weren’t going anywhere and neither was Miranda. The love you experienced in each other's embrace and kisses was enough to keep you two glued together. No force could ever part you… not even a routine patrol that ended more dangerous for you than expected. 

—

It was like every Wednesday afternoon.

You were patrolling the promenades before going back to the stables and calling it a day. Already excited to spend time with Miranda after work, you did not realise that the altercation you rode towards, would end up being almost fatal for you. 

Of course it had to happen.

You knew you shouldn’t have split up with your colleague. But there was no harm in thinking that if he took the lower road, you could take the higher one and still be close enough to hear each other. 

The second you realised that there was a gun pointed at you, you started calling for your colleague. Reaching for your own gun, you suddenly felt a piercing pain in your shoulder. A BANG was heard and then your ears were ringing. The pain in your shoulder increased, dragging its disgusting talons over your neck to the back of your head, digging deep into your skin. You started feeling faint, head pounding and everything started looking fuzzy and far away. At first you hadn’t even noticed that your horse was galloping towards the stables. Your hand just instinctively grabbed onto the horn of the saddle and your grip tightened. 

Artemis was huffing, whining and neighing the closer she got to the stables. A place she knew was safe. She felt your shift in energy, understanding the severity of the situation more than you. The smart horse she was, she stopped in front of the station, making a ruckus to get the other officers’ attention.

Miranda looked out the window, expecting to see you waving at her but what she saw, sent her into a panic. She rushed out to you and Artemis, gently pulling you from your mare and asking you questions. What exactly she asked, you didn’t know… you didn’t hear. All you knew was that you were in Miranda’s arms and it soothed the pain you were experiencing. 

Meanwhile Miranda tried to stay calm. She had called the ambulance, staying with you and holding you close, trying to stop the bleeding. Her hands, your shirt and her sleeves were covered in thick, dark red, warm blood. Your blood. 

Miranda tried really hard to keep it together, to stay strong for you, but she couldn’t keep the sobs in. Tears coated her soft pale skin, huffs and sobs escaped her lips, frantic breathing accompanied by the fear that she could lose you. She couldn't lose you… Miranda wouldn’t survive without you, she knew that. She needed you. She loved you. 

The next few hours were a blur for Miranda. You were unconscious, the medics doing everything they could to keep you alive as she accompanied you, holding your hand throughout the entire drive to the hospital. There, you were separated. 

But Miranda didn’t let up. 

She waited, and waited, and waited. Minutes turned to hours, hours filled with anxiety, fear and pain. She did not even wash up, her hands, shirt and trousers still soaked in your blood. Now cold, sticking to her skin, as if death itself latched onto her. 

It wasn’t until 4 hours later that the nurse finally went to fetch Miranda. She did ask her to at least wash her arms before bringing her to your room. There you laid, unconscious, but breathing. You were breathing. Miranda immediately went to your side, gently brushing some hair from your face, caressing your cheek, and holding your warm, soft hand. 

“I need you… please don’t leave me just yet…” She whispered.

“I love you. Come back to me…” She begged.

“I can’t lose you..”

She breathed. 

Miranda hoped you would hear her. She would tell you about all the things she wanted to experience with you, places she wanted to show you and future plans she had dreamed about. For more than 48 hours, Miranda sat by your side. The nurses had to force her to at least eat and drink something if she wasn’t going to sleep or go home to get changed. She sat by your side and wouldn’t leave. It was as if Miranda was in a frozen state. Holding your hand and pressing kisses to your cheek and forehead. She was only ripped from her trance as the heart monitor flatlined. She shot up, calling out for help, screaming, begging, sobbing, but no one heard. She was alone… and you were gone… —

“Miranda?”

Suddenly, Miranda felt a soft hand on her arm, another on her cheek, wiping away tears that escaped her eyelids once more. She opened her eyes, finding herself in her bedroom. Her breathing ragged, panic evident on her face, she started looking around. Where were you? “Miranda… darling… It’s okay. It was just a bad dream…” Her eyes shot to the direction of the voice, and she started sobbing. You wrapped your arms around her, pulling her close and kissing her head. Miranda’s arms immediately wrapping around your middle, so as not to hurt your healing shoulder. She pulled you close and that's when she realised where she was. Miranda was at home, in her bed, with you holding her, consoling her.

“I am here Mir. I won’t go anywhere… I promised you I won’t.” Your soft voice brought her peace. This wasn’t the first time she awoke in this manner. Once the nurses and doctors were happy with your recovery, they allowed you to go back home. Miranda insisted you live with her, so she could take care of you and protect you. Of course you said yes. But ever since then, Miranda was plagued by nightmares. One worse than the other, the outcome was the same every time. She couldn’t save you. She couldn’t protect you. You were gone, leaving her alone in her pain and loneliness. 

But it was just a dream. Every night she would feel your arms around her, your soft voice rousing her from the hell she fell into. Every night, you would reassure her that you were still there, that you survived, and that it was thanks to her quick thinking. Every night, you would dry her tears and have her fall asleep with her head on your chest, hearing your heartbeat. You were alive, and you were with her. It would take some time for the two of you to overcome the trauma, the horrors both of you faced each night. But you would overcome it. Together. Miranda could overcome it with your love, and you with hers. And her heart of Gold.

So, just like every night, you reminded her of that. A kiss pressed to her head as you noticed her relaxing in your arms, sleep ready to take her again. You whispered, so as not to wake her again: “Miranda?”

“Hm?”

“I love you”

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End Note: As always, reblogs, comments and likes are well appreciated <3 Taglist: @vivendraws @erinyaya @phexyce @aemilia19 @weemssapphic @gela123 @winterfireblond @Xxmecverxx @unicorniusfallapatorious @gwenistheloml @yourgaeyisshowing @readingtheentrails

#queer #gwendoline christie #sapphic #fanfic #wlw #reader insert #ao3 #gwendoline christie fanfics #Miranda Hilmarson x Reader #Miranda Hilmarson fanfic #Miranda hilmarson #Fanfic #x reader #angst #hurt comfort #heart of gold part 2

[tonightsyanderes]

Yandere Beastman

•Tiger Beastman•

TW: death(not reader), non-con, stalking, I am basing this off of the actual mating habits of a tiger. blood. injury to reader.

Don't like it or if these trigger you please don't read and take care of your mental health. I do NOT support or want anyone in this kind of relationship they are highly toxic and unsafe. I write the stories for entertainment purposes only.

There are not a lot of "Yandere tendencies" in this fic. Just a lot of fucked up stuff.....

Please Enjoy~

The hectic life you had before would be calm compared to the life you have now. Trying to keep yourself level-headed while the world changes around you is hard and mentally draining.

‘Note to self never trust someone that promises it’s a time machine that you’re stepping into. Even if they are… were your best friend.’ You mumble to yourself bitterly about how unfair it was to be stuck somewhere or when with nothing to help you. You heard a rustling of leaves behind you. The wind blew green leaves in your face as the rustling got louder.

You could hear the thud of hooves drawing closer to you. You quickly wiped your face clean and moved behind a tree to hide from whatever was coming. Heartbeat ringing in your ears you try to calm down by breathing in through your nose and out of your mouth. You try not to hold your breath until it gets closer. The thudding grew louder, shaking the ground. A figure ran past you, too quick to see what it was. Two more things ran by the tree you hid behind, you covered your mouth with your hand to muffle your breathing. One of them had antlers… with ears like a deer. Their legs were like a deer too… and with hooves! Where the hell are you?!?

You heard a deep growl in front of the tree. A shrill scream followed by a loud crunch was mere feet from you. Your body couldn’t move. You tried to back away, tried to uncover your mouth, tried anything! But your body refused to listen… The crunching sound was like breaking celery, a crisp crack/crunch. It stopped and you could hear the chewing of something wet and tough. One of those things must have been caught. Whatever caught it could find you too… would it eat you too? You could imagine the way it would tear into you, it would eat you alive. It ate whatever that thing was alive so you could only imagine what you would see as it tears into your stomach as the life drained away from you. The last thing you would remember would be that horrifying scene.

‘I need to get out of here… quietly’ You looked around trying to make less noise than the eating sounds. You tried to turn around when the wind picked up again. Except this time you were upwind from the beast. The sound stopped… not just the eating sounds, all the sounds around you… the birds let long ago, the wind stopped whistling, the river stopped bubbling, and the far-off thudding of hooves was no longer heard. The beating of your heart quicked, it hurt your chest. The chest that you were sure would be ripped open in mere seconds. 

Another growl and you couldn't move again. ‘Not this shit again! I need out of here!!’ Your eyes were restless and you looked around wildly. You can’t hear the soft thuds headed to the tree you hid behind. The way the beast made slow, calculating movements was a sign that it was an apex predator. Nothing scared it. A claw of a tiger stepped out from the other side. It was massive, about the size of your head. You imagined it slicing through your stomach. 

Its head followed soon after, traces of its meal all over its face. It looks almost… human. It, no He turned towards you, and you backed away as his whole body came into view. His face and torso were more human but the rest was like a tiger. His arms and legs were tiger limbs. He had an orange and black tail. Tiger ears on top of his head. He had no clothes on. Blood was caked on him everywhere. The fur on his body became clumped together and dyed red. He continued to growl at you. His teeth were long and the tips were sharp. You backed away from him as much as you could. He glared at you and stepped closer. 

“Get back! I taste bad I promise!” You shout out of fear. In your right mind, you would not be saying something like that. He stopped growling and stayed still. Just looking at you, it was worse than him moving. Staying still made him unpredictable. You crawled away quickly. He didn’t move just stared at you. You stood up slowly and continued to walk backward until you had a few trees between you and him. You sprinted away from the area and towards the sound of the river. 

 You made a small shelter out of fallen branches that leaned against a tree. The river is a small walk from the shelter, fishing got easier with time and practice. You had no idea how to start a fire without a lighter so you go cold most nights. You have seen a few… bloody leftovers of other beasts that left you berries or other foods around your little camp. 

You were trying to catch some fish with your makeshift net. A long-sleeved t-shirt with a stick in the shape of a Y can only do so much. You were so busy focusing on fishing that you didn’t hear the noises behind you. Suddenly you were pushed face-first into the ground. A growl from whatever was holding you made you freeze. It sounded so familiar… so overly terrifying. 

This was it you are going to die… you’re going to be eaten alive by that man-beast thing! A bite on the back of your neck sent pain down your spine. A scream erupted from your mouth as you kicked and grabbed at it from behind you. You heard a chuckle behind you. The claws on the massive paws tore through your clothes with ease. The teeth on the back of your neck never let up. Something wet, slime-y, and hard was pressed into your thighs. He used one hand to bring your hips up, the claws dug into your skin and drew blood. His penis was barbed on one side and painful when he entered you with no preparation. Another scream erupted from you, you tried to fight back even more. Nothing worked as he kept going until he filled you to the brim with his cum. You cried until you passed out, you’d rather be asleep when you die than awake. 

You woke up in a den with the tiger beast beside you. A dead deer beast was in front of him, he was already eating it. You whimpered and he looked over at you. He tore off a leg and tried to hand it to you. You gagged as the limb dripped blood all over the ground. He huffed and walked over to you wagging it in your face. You shook your head and started to kick at him when he came too close. He smirked and showed off his phallus it was hard and pink. 

“No! Not again! Fuck you!” You shouted as he got even closer not bothered by your attempts to hurt him. He opened his mouth his teeth on full display.

“Again! You!” He mimicked your voice almost perfectly. ‘What the hell… how the fuck…’ You couldn’t believe this…

“Mine… mate… season… you fight… you mate now.” He said in broken words. “Kill… others… need… me not… them.” He growled as he walked towards you. Your vision goes black as you pass out from fear. ‘Will I see the light of day again?...’

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere x you #male yandere x reader #yandere boyfriend #yandere smut #tw: noncon

[copperbadge]

With all the weird sculptures people have been sending your way lately, have you been made aware of Posankka yet? It’s a big public statue in Turku, Finland. I won’t spoil to surprise by describing it.

This is Posankka and I am upset with you.

Not because Posankka is horrifying, although it is, but because of the absolute fucking absurdity of its description on Wikipedia.

The statue [...] represents a hybrid between a marzipan pig ("possu") and a rubber duck ("ankka"). It is a pink animal with a duck's lower body and a pig's head.

This tormented, hellish creature, like something out of That One Episode Of Fullmetal Alchemist, is neither made of marzipan nor of rubber. And I realize that "marzipan pig" is a very specific visual image as is "rubber duck", like they aren't just [descriptor] [object], the descriptor specifies the object's visual presentation, but the idea of a giant fiberglass marzipan rubber pig duck is making me furious. And now I have to fucking add Turku Finland to my list of places to go on my European Junket because if I don't take a picture with this thing I won't have lived a full and satisfying life. You monster.

#Anon I hope you understand I am joking #I am fucking DYING at this thing look at it #thank you for bringing the marzipan rubber pigduck into my life #also now I want one of those little boxes of marzipan animals #i love marzipan

[beanghostprincess]

When they get to Egghead Sanji complains about the Hawaiian shirt, saying it's too boring in comparison with the other outfits. Then Usopp looks at him with a thumbs up and says "Looking good!! It's very you <3 Do you think that we could keep these things after this is over because I pers-" but Sanji isn't hearing shit anymore because he's having a moment™ and he feels hot all over and maybe he's going to faint, who knows.

#when a pretty boy says you look good so you have a gay crisis #zoro looks at him and smirks and says 'you alright?' knowing obviously what's going on #and sanji goes all 'SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP I AM FINE' on him but now every time he looks at usopp he's dying #he tries to like. be in front of him to show off #now that shirt is suddenly his favorite thing #as it should be because he looks extremely pretty with that #one piece #black leg sanji #usopp #sanuso #egghead

[just-rainbow-thoughts]

Missed Chase Brody’s birthday yesterday because this fuck got me in a chokehold

#who out here wanna see him treated like an adult #he’s a creature but he’s also just some weird guy (just like me fr) #i am the op #jus sum doodly doos #fake peppino #…no main tag for this #context for the second pic: I think my friend's mashup album might not be the best thing to listen to while high #especially the last song #he’s in the default look in the third one because it’s when the movie was being made #I have very little context for the last two images I just had a vision I had to get out #first one is just something I do #translation for reversed text: #‘I see.’ ‘the backyardigans wiki is gatekeeping information.’ ‘that’s fun’ #‘oh this looks interesting’ ‘…what’s a mashup though’ ‘Squirtle I’m fucking dying’ ‘I should’ve stuck with red vox’ #I don’t know if I’m normal about this guy anymore

[thou-babbling-brook]

assassin’s creed fans are wild because I just read a fic yesterday that had an accompanying BIBLIOGRAPHY in proper MLA format. nobody works harder than y’all fr fr.

#assassin’s creed #babblingbrook babbles #fanfiction #ac fanfic #it was ac valhalla based it was like Eivor x Basim #which is not usually my thing but I’ve been dying for Basim content #the fic is called ‘on the far side of our doom’ #it’s on ao3 #it fucks im not even gonna lie #the bibliography is a separate fic just look on the author’s account #I’m a psyc major so i use apa and i got my english and history double major friend to look at it #it is indeed in proper MLA format #bro Ubisoft needs to start hiring you guys as that shit is bonkers #imma start doing that (I am only half joking) #next time I write an ac3/turn crossover it’s over

[hood-ex]

Shiro's gone so I decided to self destruct and go on a spoiler binge via TikTok 😌✨. All I've accomplished is give myself even more anxiety about Shiro 😌✨. So I'm doing this whole self destructing thing perfectly 😌✨.

#i am a very mentally stable person rn ha ha ha ha haaaaaa... #AHHH I JUST SAW ANOTHER EDIT WHERE IS SHIRO'S ARM OH MY GOD I MEAN LIKE THE WHOLE THING #WAIT DID KEITH CUT HIS MOTHERFUCKING ARM OFF OH MY GOD I'M GONNA COMBUST #OH MY GOD #FUCK IT UP KEITH FUCK IT UP OH MY GOD #WHAT IS THIS FRODO AND GOLLUM MOMENT I'M DYING #WHAT'S HAPPENINGGGGGG #IDK BUT I KINDA LOVE IT RAAAAH #THE LOOK IN KEITH'S EYES YEEEEEEES #oh i'm excited for this 😏

[flugame-mp3]

what do you fucking mean that's how charlie dies. THAT'S HOW CHARLIE DIES??? i mean i know the show has a penchant for killing off every character who's not a winchester brother or an angel of thursday but good god. what the fuck. charlie was such a good and enjoyable recurring character, and she had such a fandom impact that i've seen, and she's only around for THREE SEASONS?? (sidebar: it's amazing she has the presence she does for only being around for a couple episodes in the long run!) but: was this necessary? and she just dies offscreen after her skills are utilized to progress the plot of decoding the book of the damned?? oh my god. what in the actual fuck. i'm finding myself getting genuinely very upset at her death. she did not fucking deserve that. and i can absolutely see why the fan response to her death is what it is now. completely fucking unjustified and throwaway and useless.

#theo.txt #spn #charlie #spn spoilers #spn 10x21 #almost none of the women who've gotten fridged on this show have deserved it but still #good god this one made me especially angry #why do you use this character for a plot point and then ship her off somewhere. to oz or to the afterlife. so often? #she was such a cool character with a good story that i enjoyed and related to and THIS is what they did with her?? and from my perusing she #doesn't even really come back like bobby occasionally does?? and his death. while devastating to me as somebody who really liked him. still #felt WAY better than this #sorry i ended that episode with my jaw on the fucking FLOOR oh my god. /neg #what did she have to die for? where is that post about female characters dying so male characters can feel sad but it's a gifset of all the #bullshit ass deaths of women on supernatural #i love the show fucking obviously but jesus h christ. #but also you know what. having the context that i have. still a fucked up thing to say but i see why dean says That to sam now during #charlie's funeral. it IS an interesting look into how they respond to the other one violating their wishes/freedoms and into their larger #dynamic actually! but thats not what this post is really about #wow. i am actually livid. poor fucking charlie. #if she was like a sister to the winchesters how about you bring her back huh? how about you revive her? jesus christ #i wonder what her heaven is like. i hope its dnd and movie night with the girls #i took a little break mid-typing this to see if i was just being insane and angry but no the super wiki has a whole section about the fan #outrage at charlie's death and the discussions it furthered about the show's misogynistic tendencies #and you know what? good! #ok anyway. im going to go browse charlie art and feel abnormal now. #supernatural #charlie bradbury

[volbeast]

Friends, followers, and belovèd mutuals - I am alive ówò

#tumblr desktop looks So Different my god #Tweeter clone????? #I have hardly been online for the past 7 months because I am simply Dying at work but I finally decided to say Fuck it let them fire me uwu #Art is slow #hardly remember how to draw at all but I'm Fucking going to Do Art if it Kills me goddammit!!! #still getting back into the swing of things please forgive me if I am slow to reply to anything ;w; #volbeast.txt

[derpinette]

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration #just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming #the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness #eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing #what a damn chore #so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked #i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED. #i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please... #i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace #but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know #anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes #so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really #trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway... #the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever #JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess #light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings #also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL #so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me #but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace #sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general #oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body #& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks #like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman #& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC

[ghostzzy]

good news: after four days, several angry phone calls, and approximately one million dollars, i finally have a working car again

bad news: my top surgery incision opened up under my arm and has been bleeding on and off for 24 hours and it's really fucking gross and it's stressing me out bad

#the trials do not cease. #anyway. i know logically that the incision is Probably Fine. the doctor warned me small spots may open up. #but like. listen. i'm not squeamish. and this little wound did almost make me black out when i discovered it yesterday. #like it's That gross. because it's Deep. #i stuck two bandaids over it and i'm giving it one more day to chill out before i text my surgeon like Am I Dying. #but like. the last thing i need is what looks like essentially an open fucking puncture wound under my armpit. #i do not need an infection or fucking sepsis. dear GOD. #i'm so exhausted yall. things have not fucking stopped and show no signs of stopping any time soon. #izzy.txt

[musical-chick-13]

ANYWAY, the moment when Amy asks the Teselecta to turn into River, and Mels/Melody/Not-Yet-River realizes that the person everyone has spent this entire episode talking about with care and fondness is actually her, they were talking about her, and then she just stands there tearing up and immediately decides to change the course of her entire life >>>>>>>

#'it's a shame you were busy that day' <-he was dying because she fucking poisoned him #you do NOT want to know how many times I watched this episode as a teenager/young adult #okay I'm going to exit this website now. I am trying not to post 3 million pond-era things per day and have some restraint we shall see how #long that lasts lmao #OBVIOUSLY the Ultimate Self-Projection Character is cersei which I have talked about at length but trust me there is a reason #this show era and this character specifically used to be the thing I was primarily associated with irl #*young adult me going door to door* hi do you have a second. to talk about river song. the love of my life river song. and her family. #the family of all time the pond family. can I interest you in some 3 hour haphazardly-strung-together meta about one (1) space show #still thinking about how after the series 10 finale aired I straight up had to call nat & say 'LOOK THIS HAPPENED I'M NOT WELL PLEASE HELP'

[badolmen]

Listen being in your 20s doesn’t mean you’re old; you’ve barely been able to do anything without direct adult supervision at this point but also it makes me feel old when I get a cut that draws blood and it takes fucking months to heal and when it does it leaves an ugly scar.

#ra speaks #personal #scars #listen okay I have trichotillomania and dermatillomania I KNOW when it’s my bad for constantly fucking w a cut or whatever #but even when I do everything right - neosporin bandaids whatever IT STILL TAKES FOREVER AND SCARS BADLY. WHY. #(there’s a genuine possibility this is part of my moms autoimmune thing that I probably inherited #by which I mean sometimes we get blood work done and it looks like we’re dying of blood cancer but a month later our blood work is normal #so the docs are just like huh. weird. ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ ) #but seriously if someone could tell me how to get cuts to heal faster that would be great. like am I just missing something in my diet? #a vitamin???? bro I cut myself shaving a month ago and it still hasn’t healed over fully *head in hands*

[aydenrain]

⚠️helluva boss ep8 season 1 spoilers⚠️

so.. episode 8 of season 1 of helluva boss came out recently. great, amazing, we've been waiting for it for a while and it's out, awesome...

the amount of gender envy that I have fucking felt the moment our glorious queen bee, Beelzebub herself, showed up...

the look, the vibe, the voice, the way she moves...

i am laying on my floor, dead...

#helluva boss #hazbin hotel #Beelzebub #why cant we have nice things #fuck you science for not being able to make me look like that #i'm fucking dying #i am dead #also i wanna summon food and snacks whenever I want...

[joelletwo]

guh i didnt get to complain abt this at work but while i was in reptiles rearranging stuff someone walked over talking on their phone goofin off and offhandedly said 'oh that geckos dead, how sad.' like not sad at all just like. lackadaisical. while i am two feet away staring at them bc i know the gecko is not dead bc i Just saw it and they dont make eye contact so i cant even like. try to say anything. and they clearly didnt say anything to any other employee when i brought it up after they left they just thought they saw a dead animal in a pet store and like. didnt care? and im so sjdfg irritated and baffled.

#LIKE. this would not be. implausible in many pet stores. but in OURS? get out of our goddamn store then u goof.............................. #what the fuck................................ get away from my reptiles kjdfg also get away from me im in the zone rearranging things #[bravely doesnt make this a new post] TO THIS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so irritated at the person who #brought me over to show me a fish [on the top row so i couldnt see what she was fucking talking about so first we had two minutes of #whos on first about it] and went LOOK its DYING u should PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY instead of LETTING IT SUFFER and when i finally #knew what she was talking abt i was just like. thats an injured fish that we know about and are treating???? let us treat it???? fuck off?? #now im upset bc u want me to kill a treatable fish????? #just kjsdfg i support the sentiment but can u 1st have a little faith that we do in fact not want our animals to die or suffer b4 u #come at us!!! plea to our least favorite customers if u hate pet stores [u should] then stop shopping at pet stores [u should] u fuck.....

[pepprs]

feeling despair i don’t know how to put into words. im trying to figure out why im like this and how i got to be this way but i can’t even do it bc of the way i am and what im like. if that makes sense. like the problem prevents me from fixing the problem bc i can’t get to the root of it. despair despair despair

#purrs #delete later #basically i can’t internalize anything about myself. i can’t internalize that i am talented smart strong whatever and i can’t internalize #evidence that i matter and belong and am loved. i take in this evidence constsntly and it just evaporates. and then it’s like i have none of #it at all and im starving and shaking and dying and howling like a wretched little animal. and i live in this constant defaulstate of like.. #feeling worthless and alone and utterly empty and like everything in my life is a dream or something. and in feeling that way and being #quite literally incapable of having emotional object permanence.. i actually make that situation real for myself. i make myself alone and #wretched. i isolate myself and shut down and don’t let myself take up the space i can. and it’s just awful. it’s unfixabke. #i just suck it all dry. i deny myself to myself and to everyone else. and idk what made me like this bc i don’t think i always used to be #this way w depression and depersonalization or whatever the fuck dsm 6 type shit i have going on. but i can’t internalize anything about #myself and my life and have no desire / willpower to look back beyond a certain point and really analyze and probe to figure out what #happened to me to make me like this so i can heal the core wound. soim just constantly in wretched tortured panicking creature mode. awesome #this cry for help brought to you by: my sister guilt tripping me into doing her laundry + my brother showing me his beautiful music + #realizing that unlike redacted i have not documented every part of my life and have no access to early childhood artifacts that would reveal #anything about me and that it does n’t even matter / isn’t special anyway. i love being normal 😎🫶🏻‼️ #at least i haven’t been dissociating as badly about work stuff lately but. that’s definitely still a thing too so. what if my whole life is #just the wrong timeline i wasn’t supposed to be in and nothing is actually real. lawl 😳 #this is a ​really awesome time for my therapist to be going on a monthlong honeymoon btw 😍 she deserves it so much but omg im dying already