#I am tired and my ovaries/uterus hate me

[theywhowriteandknowthings]

Kinktober day 30 & 31 will be combined for tomorrow as I simply have not the emotional energy today (yay PMS, depression etc)

But look forward to fluffy smutty Max Phillips

AND fluffy smutty Vampire! Frankie!

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #fanfic #smut #max phillips #max phillips x reader #max phillips x you #francisco catfish morales #francisco morales x reader #vampire fiction #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal character fanfic #murder daddy #murder daddy kinktober #mdkt #mdkt23 #mdkt2023 #I am tired and my ovaries/uterus hate me

[mattyknees]

i told my friend i was going to keep track of how i felt when starting auvelity since she's been on ketamine for a year and is thinking about switching so i think i'm just gonna make a tag

i just took my first dose. literally two minutes ago. i told myself i wasn't gonna google anything or read the insert, because i always do that and i always psych myself out or invent side effects that aren't there. i did both anyway. i found a positive study and sent it to my med student friend, and i read the insert to make sure i could take it with/out food.

apparently, it causes birth defects. severe birth defects. there is a registry of people that are on auvelity to ensure that you don't have children while on it so that the company that produces it can't get sued.

i know that, like, being mentally ill comes with life side effects or whatever. it's expensive to be mentally ill. it takes time out of your day and it fucks with your social life and it gives you a window into a different side of life that a lot of people might not understand. most of my ""normal"" friends don't respond in ways that i deem "acceptable" when i talk about mental illness. i'll talk about trauma or my symptoms or discrimination and they always approach it through a lens of injustice or solutionism when sometimes i really just want validation or empathy.

there is no empathy when it comes to chemicals. i can't have children while on auvelity. that's just a fact. i cannot get pregnant on this drug. this drug that my psychiatrist basically touted as a miracle cure. and listen, i love her, she's a little insane, i consider her a friend that also gives me drugs. but i feel like... i feel like i shouldn't have to choose.

for a long time i didn't want kids. vehemently hated the idea. rejected the notion that i'd ever change my mind. but now i can't see my life without them. maybe it's the mid twenties baby fever, maybe it's the stage the rest of the locals in my age range are at, but holy shit man. jay brain says i needed to be pregnant, like, yesterday. and to know that that's not an option? maybe anymore, maybe forever, maybe not until my reproductive organs are shot to hell?

because no one's 100% sure what testosterone does to the uterus and ovaries. especially not to the "not 100% perisex uterus and ovaries". like, i have fucked up anatomy as it is. my mom wasn't able to get pregnant for seven years after she had me. i've miscarried once already. the amount of unprotected sex i've had in my life shows that i am not an easy target to hit. but it's like... the delusion was nice to live inside of, you know? there are so many seahorse dads out there. SO many dads have given birth. i at least wanted the option ykwim?

anyway. my stomach hurts and i'm tired. gonna edit a little bit more of sincerity is scary and finish the leafs game before i go to bed. we won 7-3 against the rangers at MSG tonight but i'm replaying it anyway since i was at work

#my post #auvelity diaries

[yaoi-princess]

i cannot lie the stress i have been under the past week has been pretty crazy! i am very very tired and my body hurts and at least i have a rental car now lol.

I really struggled that last week with my car breaking down OBVIOUSLY. i think the most frustrating thing right now is that other AAA employees i have been speaking to keep telling me they don’t understand how i was forced to wait that long just to be told no one was coming to get me. i got a call this morning on the way to getting my car rental from AAA and i’m just glad that the service representative listened to me and is going to open a case against the office that so thoroughly fucked me over.

it’s still so frustrating in hindsight because i really felt like those operators thought lesser of me because i sounded like a women despite repeatedly telling them that i am a man!!! and they had my name right in front of them!!! it’s just really dysphoric because i feel like so much about me has changed throughout my transition, except my voice. and it’s really upsetting because the ONE fucking thing i desperately wanted to change was my voice. i hate sounding like a girl. i hate talking on the phone and always being called ma’am or miss like i am just so fucking tired of it. i’m essentially a year and a half into my actual HRT transition and i’m just so frustrated by the complete standstill i feel like i’m experiencing. I feel like I’m not making enough progress. My next OBGYN appointment isn’t until the end of April at the moment - that is going to be a very important appointment for me. I’m hopefully going to be switching to T injections and upping my T dosage.

Yeah, I’m still terrified of losing all my hair but at this point it really does matter less to me when I feel like I’m not where I want to be in my transition. This next appointment is also going to be helping me schedule top surgery and a hysterectomy, which at this point are so vital to me feeling better. like i haven’t really talked about it anywhere, but even for someone who has experience next to zero physical body dysphoria, i am hating my boobs so fucking badly. being on T has just made them to saggy and so loose they look so fucking ugly. i think i’ve dropped nearly an entire cup size and 2 inches off my bust even before i started “losing” weight. at this point i’m just irritated bc i want them gone so badly.

i’m more nervous about the hysterectomy, since it’s going to be pretty invasive too. but i just have a nasty feeling that i have woefully undiagnosed endometriosis and they’re going to have to gut me like a fish about it lmfao. i’m hoping that isn’t the case, but regardless i want them to take my uterus and ovaries out because i’m really over dealing with that shit lol.

for the past week weight wise, i’ve been sitting at 320 really solidly! i’m just so tired and stressed out from all this car stuff that i haven’t been able to do much. i’ve been going on some walks in the evenings, and also taking my dog on walks regularly so it’s not like i’m not getting any exercise. it’s just that i don’t have it in me to be super conscious of what i’m eating, when, or how i’m burning it off lol. and tbh that doesn’t bother me because the point of all of this isn’t weight loss, it’s taking care of myself!

anyway i’m just going to get super high today and just chill the fuck out. i am still trying to get my chores done, and i have a bunch of convention prep to work on that’s not sewing-related, so that’s what i’m going to try and work on. we’re two weeks out and i haven’t even tried finalizing my script or outline for my panel and i’m panicking about it lol. but otherwise i’m really optimistic that my con is going to be a great experience, and i’m just excited that i’ll finally see a bunch of my friends again.

i have a lot of knitting to do too, so i’m gonna be focusing on that as well hehe. i might write more later who knows. i’m just in pain and tired today sigh.

#journal #ftm stuff #3.16.24

[ks-caster]

Beth Liveblogs Black Widow

Bought that premium access on Disney+ so I can have the privilege of pausing for snacks and using subtitles as needed - so let’s go! 

Beth’s Spoiler-Free Review: Overall I thoroughly enjoyed the movie - the plot was compelling, the characters were likable, and the stunts were really excellent. I felt like hair and makeup dropped the ball on realism multiple times which I was sad about, because how she looks seems to be pretty important to Nat so I expected it to be done well in her movie. 

I did not like the way they framed the tail end (denouement - obviously because this movie is mid-series we know how it ends to an extent) - I felt like the connect-up to Infinity War was lackluster, especially compared to how enjoyable and dynamic the rest of the film was.

Spoilery live-reactions are under the cut. Click at own risk! Feel free to rebagel with your own impressions, thoughts, jokes and rebuttals!

The movie begins with a young Nat with blue dyed hair and visible roots, showing her natural red. Do you know how hard it is to get natural red out of hair, enough to make it blue and not green? And I’m supposed to believe that a middle-school age girl in 1995 Ohio had access to these chemicals? I’ll give her the white hair in IW/Endgame because she’s an adult with a lot of experience as a spy altering her appearance. But as a child? In the 90s? While her family is apparently in hiding? Sus.

The scene with Alexei laying on the on the wing while Nat learns to fly? AMAZING stunts. Amazing. AND someone in an action movie is finally smart enough to shoot the tires.

Nice skills on young Nat, getting the gun. Since we know from Endgame that Nat’s father is named Ivan, we know that Alexei isn’t really her dad. She also refers to presumably the red room as going “back.” Was she lent out to these agents to legitimize their family?

-0-

Nice knife moves, Yelena - I love the hand switch.

Ooooh so she was being mind controlled and the red stuff freed her? Interesting.

-0-

Nat is in Norway - visit Thor! He’d love to have you. (I’m mixing up my timeline, aren’t I?)

Supplies Dude whose name I didn’t catch refers to the Avengers breakup as a divorce - I kinda love it. It’s accurate!

BUDAPEST omg are we finally going to get the story?? Are we??

Box dye? I’m supposed to believe she got all that red out of her hair with flippin’ Loreal? Really? And that toner isn’t even the color she ultimately went - it’s too yellow. Sus.

-0-

Oop, looks like Nat got caught up in Yelena’s desertion.

Do not give Nat your metal frisbee, robocop - she’s been around Steve long enough that she knows how to use it.

I laughed out loud when she did the string him up thing with the cables - literal spider move, I love it!

Mystery box is empty - classic bait and switch.

-0-

BUDAPEST - WE ARE IN BUDAPEST - IT’S HAPPENING PEOPLE

Nat closing the door behind her is a small thing but I appreciate it - no sneaking up behind her.

When Yelena throws Nat in the kitchen and her feet hit the door and she spins before she hits the ground? That was a helluva stunt.

Oooooh honey. No body left to check is ALWAYS movie code for they lived.

Dreykov’s daughter? Another hint from Avengers 2012? C’mon, movie.

Riding the chimney down? Another incredible stunt. 

Dreykov can scan his soldiers’ bodies and terminate them if they’re too damaged to keep fighting? Big yikes. With Nat where she is character development wise, the stakes are now much higher because if she injures an opponent they may be killed remotely.

“Do you want me to chase him down and un-steal it?”

The car door under the bike was an excellent stunt - as was the car going into the subway. Though I’ve never seen a subway entrance big enough to admit a car.

Who hasn’t wanted to slide down the middle to avoid the crowded escalators lol.

Yelena making fun of Nat’s sexy poses I am LIVING omg.

Running water for wounds. RUNNING WATER. NOT ALCOHOL. The vodka goes on the INSIDE for the pain - the running water cleans the OUTSIDE. If there’s a convenience store then there’s a bathroom, with running water. Cleansing with something like alcohol is a LAST RESORT and you do not look like you’re at that point resource-wise. I thought these ladies were supposed to be highly trained in all of the things?

“Could be fun though.” “I saw where he put the keys” “Top drawer green cabinet.” I love their chaos.

Yelena’s vest and its pockets and the resulting conversation are positively majestic.

“You are sensitive.” “You’re a very annoying person.”

-0-

Do! Not! Move! Around! Like! That! While! Getting! A! Tattoo!!!! That poor artist was trying his best and Alexei just...

Ooooh was Red Guardian like Captain Russia? Interesting.

“Just don’t make a scene.” “You made a scene didn’t you.”

David Harbor running up that wall and then wiping out after the guard shocks him... I really loved that stunt, especially since they don’t show him being all super cut - he’s a big guy! He’s allowed to have fat over his muscles and still be a strong dude! I love it.

“Such a poser.” Girl, you need to meet Loki - he does a lot of hair flips too lol.

The sibling energy between the girls during the rescue!!!

“Whooooooa... this would be a cool way to die.” Yelena, I’m not necessarily disagreeing with you but get your head in the game girl.

Poor Alexei - he never gets to do the dramatic escape from *inside* of the aircraft.

Hang on, no ovaries? So all of these women are now in immediate, surgically-induced menopause? The uterus part makes sense if the intent was to prevent them from getting pregnant if they have sex during a mission, but, what, they gotta be on estrogen supplements for the rest of their lives? That’s just really poor planning. Like it was hilarious the way Yelena went into the biology of it to make Alexei uncomfortable, but that really doesn’t make sense to do to your superhero kids. It’s just bad science.

Love that Yelena keeps her vest even after she changes into her matching white flight suit. That vest better make it to the end of the movie.

-0-

“Honey, we’re home.” I 100% expected her to shoot him on sight tbh. it would have been funny.

Alexei squeezing into the uniform is such a post-pandemic feel. Also all of the fancy braids at that table; I see where Natasha got her propensity for them.

Animal cruelty warning, ugh. Poor piggy Alexei.

Oooh the photo album and Natasha remembered staging the pictures; they’re emotional for her but in a different way.

I wonder if robocop’s shield is actually Alexei’s.

The singing between Alexei and Yelena was a really beautiful moment because it was neither auto-tuned-good nor hilariously bad - it felt really real, especially the way Yelena’s so choked up she can barely make sounds come out.

Uh-oh, mama has one of those monitor your vitals and kill your ass suits. The suits I understand - the eyeliner though... when and why did she do her makeup?? That’s not really the thing that comes to mind for me when I’m getting ready to do something athletic, like say kidnapping my supersoldier fake family.

“This is a much less cool way to die.” Also WTF why would they do that. Wouldn’t it be easier to get the information out of her while her brain is still attached to, y’know, her mouth??

CLEVER CLEVER CLEVER they switched outfits and faces ooooooh like mother like daughter.

The door opening as Alexei is leaning against it dramatically bahahahaha

I love the plan. I’m thoroughly weirded out that Melina has a red wig just lying around that perfectly immitates Natasha though. 

“Yelena, it’s mama. You have a two-inch blade in your belt.”

Oh. My. God.

Antonia.

A pheromone lock preventing them from hurting them if they’re close enough to smell him - I like it. It’s clever and new.

Bahahaha poser! You posed I saw you! Still love the vest.

Natasha is really good at manipulating people’s emotions to get what she wants - I mean, scary good. So if she’s provoking Dreykov into beating her up, there’s a reason. 

“Using the only resource the world has too much of - girls.” Kill him. 

-0-

When I say I whooped out loud... SEVERING THE NERVE. Thank you for your cooperation. YAAAAAAS QUEEN.

-0-

“Slight change of plans - we are going into a controlled crash.” The way she said that was just so mom-like omg!

-0-

The grenade as a delivery system was super smart - but yikes what if she’d mistimed it and blew Natasha up? Also, after the beating she took and how hard she had to wack her own face into the desk to sever her olfactory nerve and the amout of blood we saw her leave behind from doing that, her face should be a LOT more messed up, come on makeup department.

“Get as far away from here as possible.” And then keep going because General I-Collect-Supersoldiers-Like-Stamps Ross is about to turn up at your location looking for trouble and he’d snap you ladies up like there’s a fire sale and you’re going out of stock.

This crash doesn’t look all that controlled, Melina. I’m starting to suspect that most of the widows won’t live long enough to make their own decisions...

All of the aerial stunts were amaaaaaazing - the way Nat slowed herself by sliding down the panels so Antonia could catch up with her and she could deploy her parachute... 

The vest survived the movie!!!

Fuuuuuck Ross is showing up and he sucks and I hate him and I’m super worried that he’s gonna take the vest from Nat if he takes her into custody. Please don’t let her lose the vest. 

Okay, there is now zero reason for Nat to stay behind. They have an aircraft. She had plenty of time to just board it and leave?

-0-

Okay okay okay Ross did not get her and did not take the vest. But am I supposed to believe she bleached her hair, toned it blonde, and then re-bleached and re-toned it to silver? Who does that? That would be terrible for her hair. Her scalp would be burned all to hell from the amount of chemicals needed to not only get all that red out but THEN get the blonde toner out. Y’know what color silver toner is? Blue/purple. Y’know what happens when you mix that with yellow? Green. And not a nice green either (I speak from experience). No. Her hair at the end of the movie? Cancelled. 

-0-

SHE GOT THE DOG!!!

Oh, ouch. Big ouch. I hurt like a lot now. This is so not an okay way to end the -

...

Countess I-Forgot-Your-Name-Already?

Oh no. Oh no. That’s worse. That’s a lot worse. We are now setting up the Hawkeye series and I while I’m horrified that this was how they ended the film, I gotta say that’s going to make for some wonderful angst in that series on both Clint and Yelena’s parts and I am here for it!

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I really, really enjoyed this movie, I thought the story was compelling, the stunts were really excellent, and I liked the character dynamics and the twist

I did not like the ending - it just sort of fell off quickly and didn’t feel satisfying after an otherwise really fun movie. I also take issue with the hair and makeup as shown among the characters, as seen in my several rants to that effect.

I would have liked to have seen a few more childhood/training flashbacks, and absolutely would have loved a cameo from Jeremy Renner (not just his voice) and to see him and Nat meeting and him giving her the whole dad speech that he does so well - bonus points if she could have then quoted him to Yelena or Antonia, showing the way that multiple people had a formative effect on her (an answer to the “The Avengers aren’t really your family either” comment).

#BlackWidowSpoilers #Black Widow Spoilers #Beth Liveblogs Black Widow

[akhuna01]

LIFE / HORSE / CANCER UPDATE

..........................

Talisi is enjoying her summer on the lush alpine grass at the moment. I am still weak and ill after 6 months of chemo therapy and the massive surgery at the end of last year, but at least now the borders are open again after Corona, and I get to spend a little time with her again each week. It's doing a lot for my depression, even if I don't dare to go to the barn alone yet. it just feels safer with somebody there, for now.

Not going to lie, over the past months I thought a lot about giving her away to a new home. Her upkeep is an immense financial burden right now, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be as fit and healthy as before my second fight with cancer. But she's a handicap horse and I love her so much, I don't know if I'd trust any buyer with her.

So for now she's enjoying her semi freedom, with 16 hours out on the field each day, with her 5 horsey friends.

We'll see what the future brings. I hope I can go on reha soon, and that I'll be able to get my strength back. And that I will be able to talk about everything with a therapist of counselor, because oh boy, I know I am NOT OKAY.

So, let's talk health. It's now the first week of June 2020. My last Chemo treatment with Carboplatin after ovarian cancer (and a major, but complete surgery) was April 30th.

The worst side effects are still:

- concentrating is so hard!

- my reading / listening comprehension is practically nonexistent

- intense headaches most days

- i feel tired and exhausted and weak EVERY DAY.

- i am extremely sensitive to sunlight. Even with lpf 50 sunscreen i got a painful burn on my arm last week. It still hurts.

- the skin on the sole of my right foot is peeling off, and it is painful and gross and i can't walk barefoot or without a padding in that shoe

- my surgery scar will hurt for two days after i did anything remotely straining,like carrying a bag of groceries or taking a walk longer than 30 minutes

- i black out / faint if i do something in a crouched position or if I bend down fof a few seconds ,like gardening, cleaning the floor or tying my shoelaces. I have to put my socks on sitting down. I have quite some blemishes from fainting.

- almost 2/3 of my pubic area and hip on the right side is completely numb because of nerve damage during surgery. I feel it itch and tingle sometimes, but i don't feel it if i scratch or touch the skin. Like the itch is deeper than i can reach, it's maddening.

- my sex drive is absolutely zero. That probably has to do with the numbness and the lack of hormones, now that thr ovaries and uterus are gone. I can get aroused, but try as I might I can't get off.

- i experience heat flashes almost every night

I think that's the majority of the problems. There's more,but the other ones don't bother me every single day.

I also gained no weight, but due to taking high doses of cortisol i am so bloated! I look and feel like a balloon. I was fat already, before the surgery, but NOW... I've never been so fat and spongey as right now,and there's nothing I can do against it right now. I hate my body and how it looks right now.

That's it. Speech over. Now you're updated.

#cancer #health #personal #health update #carboplatin #chemo therapy #life after chemo therapy #horse #my horse #problems #talisi #horseblr #rant #about me

[hustlemeanokay]

So, I finally got my prescriptions. On one hand, I’m glad... on the other, a little worried that my new doctor just... kinda took my word for what I take? She just... no previous records just straight up prescribed me my lyrica, celebrex, bupoprion, and this weird powder stuff that is supposed to help my stomach chill the fuck out. That last one isn’t so concerning but the others are. Like, I mean... I’m legit with my meds but I coulda not been? Ya know? 

(So... this post got kind of out of hand... lots of venting and personal bitching below... just... yeah)

On another note... I’m fairly certain my remaining ovary has a pretty large cyst on it and will probably have to be removed, just like my right one did. And, I’m fairly certain I have a pretty bad infection in my mouth because my teeth are crapping out on me at an alarming rate... I swear it’s like one part of the body tells the other “psst, hey... it’s about to go down, you in?” and the other part is like “fuck yeah, I’m in!” 

So, I need to get into a dentist to have my teeth just fucking pulled - seriously, I’m done with them. I’ve spent over four thousand dollars and they’re all crap. Unfortunately, I can’t afford dentures at the moment but we’re hoping the house sells soon. But, I’m going to go ahead and make an appointment to at least find out exactly how much 16 extractions are going to cost and a full set of dentures. I’m nowhere near being able to afford the last quote I got to have implant supported dentures (this dentist looked me straight in the eye and told me it would be $40,000... to which I was like “dude, you’re on a totally different planet...” but whatever). 

This isn’t one of those posts begging for money or anything just me venting. It’s frustrating living with a body that’s trying to systematically shut the fuck down around you. I’m exhausted all the time yet I can’t fucking sleep because I’m in pain from literally head to toe (literally, my forehead hurts... what the actual fuck?). I’m hoping that being back on my meds will start to make it bearable. Lyrica and celebrex were helping before, they didn’t make the pain go all the way away but it at least made it bearable. 

Also, we live in a third floor walk-up (another thing that is so changing when that house sells) - I take my kids to school every morning (different times so that’s two trips) and pick them up every afternoon. So, every Monday through Friday, I’m going up and down three flights of stairs at least three times a day. If we go grocery shopping or anywhere after my husband gets home - that’s another whole set of stairs. We’ve lived here for over a year, you would think that I’d be... I don’t know... maybe... used to it? Or at least able to make it up or down without my knees screaming at me. Or maybe I’d be in better shape, yeah? Nope. 

Naturally, they weighed me at the doctor’s office. I’ve gained twenty pounds in the past year. What the fuck. I literally cannot eat anymore than a handful of food before I’m full - and twenty-thirty minutes later I’m in the bathroom so stuff goes right through me, I can’t be absorbing very much.... I don’t drink sodas, I don’t regularly eat sweets (I have some candy now because Halloween)... I rarely eat breakfast and when I do, I don’t eat lunch - and I eat dinner and another small meal later in the night because I can’t fucking sleeps so I’m up until like 2 or 3 am every god damned night. I’ve counted calories for months and I struggle to hit even 1500 in a day. So, how the fuck am I gaining weight. 

I’m usually a pretty toned down person when it comes to talking about myself, I don’t like to draw attention over here. I’m just one of those behind the scenes kind of people... but damn I’m getting frustrated. 

I literally cannot remember a time without pain, without insomnia. My Mom took me to the doctor when I was like fucking ten because I was tired all the time, sore all the time, and yet couldn’t sleep. At first they thought I was anemic. Nope. 

That leads me to another part of my frustration. My lab work, blood tests etc, all always come back normal. I’ve had x-rays from head to toe to rule out RA or anything like that - nothing - everything was “normal”. I know every lab has their own range of normality but damn, come on. 

Over the past five years or so, I’ve started growing a fucking beard. Like, facial hair, dude... with that, I am just fucking done. Yet doctors are all “well, you’re levels are normal”. Bitch, I don’t fucking care! Look at my fucking face! Something is clearly not normal. For quite a few years I would gain 10 pounds, drop twenty, gain fifteen, drop thirty... without changing anything at all, nothing. Not my diet, not my activity level, nothing. And they were all “you’re perfectly healthy”. Dude, random sudden wild ass weight gain and loss is not healthy. Something is clearly wrong. 

I wish, just once, a doctor would treat the symptoms, not the test results. As such, I’ve been saddled with the “we don’t fucking know anymore” diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, which is a recognized disability. But, like nearly all chronic pain conditions, it’s often just brushed aside because it can’t be seen. 

I don’t know where I was going with this, I’m just bitching - I guess. I’d just like... ya know, for once... to just be able to exist without something hurting. To be able to actually exist without my mouth hurting. To be able to smile or go out in public without extreme pain (my partial denture fucking hurts and to get a new one is fucking pointless because all the remaining teeth need to come out...). To be able to just... sleep. Just go to sleep. And wake up actually feeling like I went to sleep! That’d be a fucking miracle. 

And that’s not all! Because apparently my uterus fucking hates me, ever since I had to have that ovary removed, my periods are insane. I don’t cramp around my abdomen like I did before (and I mean this stuff started period one after that surgery)... instead, I get stabbing sharp pain in my outer thighs... it starts in the right and moves up and around the back and down the left... and! Omg, fucking gross. Clots. Massive, huge, fucking gross clots. I go through a super tampon in like a fucking hour and it’s fucked up. It’s just all fucked up! 

So, that’s probably why I’m venting. Right now I’m hurting all over, exhausted but can’t sleep, bleeding like a fucking dying animal, can’t eat without hurting... just fucking miserable. 

#personal #venting #probably will delete later because why even keep it #just gotta get it out somehow #frustrated

[freckle-trash]

Advice for Periods/Endo Periods:

I have always grown up knowing I have Endometriosis since I was 11. Most people do not figure this out until their late 20′s or 30′s since doctors generally will not believe you. I just got lucky in the fact that there is a familia occurrence of it and that my doctor herself had it. 

Due to the Endo I actually have muscle relaxers for the absolutely god fucking awful days. But if you're like me you do not like having to be dependent on medicine unless you rly need it. That is why I learned to track my period and changed my eating habits while during it. Also why I found certain products to help me through the pain instead of depending on muscle relaxers.

The Method I used to go about helping with my period:

  Now a major change I made that is the hardest for everyone is that I changed my diet for my period. I’ll usually eat whatever I want the rest of the month but I change my diet to be period and cramp friendly about half a week before my period starts and for about 2 days after it. Why do I do this? Because by doing this i’m removing food and drink items that would actually cause my endometriosis/period cramps to get WORSE. Now, there are certain foods that make it worse that I just absolutely crave during my period but thats when you need to set yourself some food boundaries instead.

A major thing I crave on my period is obviously chocolate and cheese. Problem with that? I’m severely lactose intolerance and these two items of food cause very bad gastrointestinal problems for the majority of people. So not the best foods to eat on your period since gas cramps can actually make your period cramps feel 10x WORSE. 

My method to working around this? I actually go to the store and buy gas medicine and take it before each meal, and then I buy probiotic juice. The gas medicine helps greatly with the gas cramps most females/males with ovaries get when on their period. The probiotic juice is there to help you keep pooping normally because the one thing we generally won't admit is that it hurts to poop on our period. The probiotic juice makes the poop come out for you with no problem, you don't gotta force it or get backed up by a week. Letting yourself get backed up will make the period worse too, trust me.

Now what specific foods am I talking about cutting back on? Here is a list for you:

- DAIRY PRODUCTS

I know we all love ice cream and chocolate on our periods but we have to completely get rid of it during our period or set a measurement of how much we can have a day. I set it to be 5 pieces of chocolate and only a cup on ice cream a day because thats the sweet spot for me. I feed my craving just enough, but I won't screw my body over with more pain by overeating. 

- Bread

We all love bread but BOI does it back you up. backed up intestines means intestinal cramps. intestinal cramps equal worse period cramps. Just completely cut out the bread if you can. If you can't then just have one piece of bread for breakfast so you aren't over eating it.

- SWEETS SWEETS SWEETS 

i mean come on, eating to much of this off your period will upset your stomach to much. Having candy near you on your period is a recipe for disaster since we will just keep eating and eating and eating and eating. Stick to only hard candy or mints.

- C H I P S

Only two bowls of chips a day. Chips do not fill a person, they are expensive, and honestly you feel bad after eating them. I crave doritos dipped in chocolate like nothing else on my period but I also cry after realizing I ate an entire bag in 10 minutes and that I'm still hungry. Just pls save yourself that hurt and don't get chips, or pre-portion them out into baggies so you don't over eat them.

- acidic drinks

This includes soda AND juice. Now my guilty pleasure during periods is Cream Soda. I love it, its all i want to drink on my period. But that is a rly rly RLY big mistake. You'll fall into the craving of wanting something bubbly or acidic and cause yourself so much stomach pain. ALWAYS drink water or gatorade on your period and nothing else. KEEP HYDRATED. Constantly drinking acidic drinks or soda will dehydrate you during a time where you are dehydrated more than usual. Please be kind to yourself and stick to drinks with electrolytes in it.

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Now, if you stay away from those foods and follow the gas medicine and probiotic routine, you'll actually cut your period pain down by a third. I use to have the most DEBILITATING cramps to the point where I couldn't even move without vomiting, but then i started pre-training my diet before my period and now I can mostly go through the day with just painful ass cramps but not “vomit if I even twitch” cramps. 

The next most important thing to have and take on your period is Iron supplements. 

Most of us don't even think about that honestly. We are just so tired, and lethargic, and dizzy, and in pain that we don't bother to think about it. Why is that? We are low on iron y'all. trust me when I say do yourself the biggest fucking favor ever and buy iron supplements for your period. I use to practically be in comas during my period but now i have more energy during my period than i have normally because of the iron supplements. 

Another Item of advice that I know works for others I know but doesn't exactly work for me is a minor workout routine during your period. It’s never helped me but it helps others I know. The physical activity I have to do though is actually deep cleaning stuff. It keeps me busy and gives me a little bit of exercise while also helping me feel like i actually accomplished something. Some of my friends switched to that method instead of exercising and have said it makes them feel better because they were a bit active and they can see the results of said activity. If you exercise ur just well....exercising. If you clean you are making your space cleaner for yourself and removing some of your anxiety. 

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This last section is going to be dedicated to a list of items that I and others have found useful to have on our periods. If it helps us hopefully it could help you.

- IRON SUPPLEMENTS

- Gas medication (3 times a day with food)

- PROBIOTICS 

- heat pad stuffy (This thing here specifically --->https://www.amazon.com/Intelex-CP-TUR-1-Turtle-Cozy-Plush/dp/B07D9ZKMTP/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=period%2Bheat%2Btoy&qid=1564873457&s=gateway&sr=8-1&th=1)

These heat toys are a god damn blessing let me tell y'all. 

- epsom salt baths (I specifically get the rose petal epsom salts because its my favorite scent and the epsom salts are doing their job of releasing tense muscles at the same time.

- Aromatherapy bubble bath/body wash 

you’d be surprised how much aromatherapy actually helps with period cramps. I generally will get anything lavender since a major issue i have is sleeping and staying asleep on my period. 

- Livia period pain device

This item is made for people like me with endometriosis and anyone else with a uterus issue. it works wonders for us so I should help anyone with even just a regular period cramp. 

- get the softest or silkiest pajamas you can find

I know I always feel a fuck ton better being in silk pajamas or wearing a cuddly hoody on my period. find yourself a specific period outfit that you will feel absolutely comfortable in. 

- Get an ice pack. 

This may seem weird since we generally want heat on our uterus during periods but thats not what the ice pack is for. It ice pack is for your neck and face. If you're like me you get terrible headaches and fevers on your period. The ice pack will be a life saver.

- neck pillow.

its good to have support on your neck if you need to curl up in a ball, just sayin.

- tank top with built in bra

this one also seems weird but i fucking hate wearing actual bras on my period, but i also have extremely sensitive boobs so they can't just be hanging or they hurt S O MUCH. So i bought some of these well padded bad bois so I don't have to feel like i’m wearing a bra but my boobs won't hurt either (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07Q1FT1VD/?coliid=I2EDPG7QCZ7F4R&colid=FY4LAMPX1G21&psc=0&ref_=lv_ov_lig_dp_it)

Last but not least, a fun fact. Pads and tampons have fucking chlorine bleach in them. u wanna know how i figured that one out finally? I’m god damn allergic to chlorine. Vomiting all over a movie theater bathroom while feeling like you are dying isn't a fun experience - all because I wore a tampon for 5 fucking minutes. But I've fixed that problem because they are finally coming out with bleach free pads and tampons. So if you ever feel extremely sick during your period its probably because of the chlorine in your pads. Do yourself a favor and find the pure cotton bleach free pads and your local store. 

#period advice #periods #endo periods #endometriosis advice #self help #self care #advice #long post #text post

[paulsonsdern]

Making Oz: Chapter 4

It Pains Me:

Four hours after Ally had gotten Ivy into bed she had to call an ambulance to the house, Ivy’s pain was too severe and she was bleeding too much. From there it was a blur, Ivy was rushed to the hospital and after some quick preliminary checks was taken into emergency surgery. A large chocolate cyst on Ivy’s left ovary had burst and the adhesions in her uterus had grown significantly.

Ally was a mess, seeing Ivy in so much pain and all the doctors and nurses frantically working on her was overwhelming. She was so angry and upset with herself that she didn’t call the ambulance the second she found Ivy in the shower. The stress of the situation eventually overtook Ally and just after Ivy was rushed away she fainted, knocking her head on the corner of a medical trolley on her way down. She had to get five stiches in her forehead and was admitted for observation. They did an ultrasound and the baby was all okay, Ally just needed to rest.

…………………………………………………………………..

Ivy’s surgery took three hours and once she had woken up in post-op she was brought up to the same room as Ally. Ally felt a huge weight lift of her shoulders when she saw Ivy being wheeled into their room. The doctors assured Ally that the surgery went very well and that Ivy was going to be okay.

Ally got out of her bed and carefully climbed into bed with Ivy, giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek,

“Hey baby, you’re gonna be okay, okay? I love you so much, you’re so strong and I’m so sorry this happened!”

Ally gave Ivy another kiss on the cheek, pulling her as close to her as possible.

Ivy started to cry,

“Ally, why does my body do this to me?”

Ivy’s voice was shaking, she turned her head to look at Ally, noticing the stitched cut on her forehead,

“Oh my god, Ally! Are you okay? What happened? Is the baby okay?”

Ivy started to panic and tried to move so she was facing Ally but her abdomen was too sore from surgery.

“Ivy, Ivy I’m fine okay! Don’t try and move, you just had surgery! It’s sort of ridiculous actually, I got so upset when they wheeled you into surgery that I fainted and I hit my head on the way down. The baby is completely fine and I only have a mild concussion and a nice big gouge on my forehead.”

Ally kissed the top of Ivy’s head and felt her relax into Ally’s side.

“Okay baby, I’m so sorry I made you so stressed,” Ivy whispered into the crook of Ally’s neck.

“Don’t be silly, it’s not your fault.”

The pair stayed together for the rest of the night, finding comfort and safety in one another’s arms. Ivy’s doctor came back in the morning to check on her, making the decision to keep her in hospital for one more night due to the invasiveness of her surgery.

Ally was cleared from her concussion and discharged from the hospital. She caught an Uber back home to grab some clothes and toiletries for Ivy and showering and changing herself. She visited the restaurant on the way back to the hospital to make sure everything was running smoothly and grabbed some sandwiches for her and Ivy’s lunch.

Ally was only gone from the hospital for a couple of hours and Ivy seemed to be doing a lot better. Her pain had significantly reduced, with only a slight discomfort and soreness in her abdomen. She was able to sit up in bed and get down the lunch that Ally had brought for her.

Although Ivy appeared to be better on the outside, she was a ball of rage and sadness on the inside. Her doctors had told her that morning that her endometriosis had significantly worsened since her last surgery eighteen months ago and they recommended that Ivy seriously consider having a hysterectomy. Despite going through the process of trying to get pregnant and being told that she simply wasn’t producing any viable eggs for implantation she still had a lingering hope that maybe one day she would be able to produce good eggs and maybe even carry a child. But after this, she knew it would be impossible; she was devastated and even more so, she was jealous. It made her angry to look at Ally, fourteen weeks pregnant with their child, her body able to make, grow, feed and nourish the life inside her while Ivy’s body destroyed any chances of her ever being able to do the same.

Ally was sitting beside Ivy’s bed on a chair, organizing staff and management at the restaurant for the week while they were away. Ivy had been holding all her anger and jealousy in for hours and she decided she couldn’t any longer,

“I hate that you are able to carry our baby and I am not. I am so angry and jealous and I’m worried I might hate you.”

Ivy looked over at Ally, a little stunned by what had just come flying out of her mouth.

Ally was completely shocked, Ivy had never said anything so malicious and hurtful before. Ally was well aware of just how hard and upsetting it was for Ivy that she wasn’t able to get pregnant. She even told Ivy that if she wasn’t able to carry their baby neither would she and they would adopt. But Ivy said no to that suggestion and insisted that they go ahead and start the process of getting Ally pregnant using her egg and a donor sperm.

“What? You hate me?”

A steady stream of tears were pouring down Ally’s face,

“Because I’m pregnant with our child? Ivy we talked about this for months before we decided to start trying. You were the one who agreed to go ahead with this. You insisted! I know this is hard for you, I do and I feel so horrible that I’m able to and you’re not. Ivy I would switch places with you any day. I know you know that! What you just said, was really fucking nasty, it breaks my heart to know you’re so angry at me for what my body is doing for us and our family.”

Ally’s voice was breaking and hot tears were pouring down her face, Ivy just stared at her, tears slowly rolling down her face.

“Are you telling me that this entire time, through this whole process, you’ve been angry and jealous of me. My body has been through hell as well Ivy! I’ve lost what, six babies in two years? I’ve injected myself full of drugs that caused horrible side-effects; crazy, irregular and painful periods, exhaustion, dizziness, nausea, bloating, crazy fucking mood swings that would drain me by the middle of the morning and I know that that’s half of what you’ve had to deal with but it doesn’t mean I don’t understand and that I haven’t struggled too. This has been hard for me too, Ivy! I NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS IF IT MEANT YOU WERE'NT ABLE TO CARRY A BABY AS WELL, OR DONATE AN EGG! We fucking fought about it for months! YOU were the one who insisted I do this for us, YOU were the one who said you wanted me to do it. YOU were the one who said that you wanted me to bring OUR child into the world. This was your fucking idea IVY!”

Ally was no longer crying, she was raging; her chest was heaving and her cheeks were flushed red. Ally go up out of the chair she was sitting in and shoved her things into her handbag. She had to stop for a moment, all of the yelling and emotions she just experienced had caused her blood pressure to rise and she was feeling faint. She took some deep breaths, before looking Ivy right in the eyes,

“I think you need to come to therapy with me so we can talk about this properly. You can’t just let those feelings bottle up inside Ivy, it’s going to kill our marriage if you do. I’m not feeling very well and this stress isn’t good for the baby, I’m going home. I’ll be back in the morning to pick you up.”

Ally began to walk out of room, her heart was hurting and all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. She stopped just as she reached the doorway when Ivy began to talk,

“Ally, A-a-ally I’m so sorry, I’m s- s- so sorry! I didn’t mean it baby, okay?”

Ivy was crying, hard, her whole body was shaking.

“I’m just so upset and angry r- r- right now and I hate my body. I just ha- ha- had this lingering hope that maybe, just maybe the new medications would b- b- be working and that I’d t- t- too be able to ca- ca- carry a baby in a couple of years. Everything you said was t- t- true and I am such a fucking idiot and I’m so n- n- nasty and h- h- horrible and I wouldn’t blame you if you never speak to me a- a- again. I’m so so sorry baby, I l- l- love you so much and I don’t h- h- hate you, not one bit.”

Ivy was sobbing, she had never felt so stupid and ashamed in her life. Seeing her wife so hurt and devastated by words she had said to her was the worst thing she had ever experienced.

Ally was still standing in the doorway; one arm holding onto the doorframe the other on her belly. She took a deep breath and turned around to look back at Ivy,

“Okay. I know you’re sad and very angry right now and I’m devastated for you. But right now, I just want to be alone and go home. I’m tired and none of this is good for the baby. I’ll be back tomorrow and Ivy…”

Ally paused, taking a deep breath in.

“I still love you. You’ve really hurt me, but I know you didn’t mean it, not truly. I’ll ask the nurse to come check on you, maybe he can get someone to come down and talk to you about how you’re feeling about everything.”

Ally turned and left the room.

Ivy curled up in bed, as much as she could, and cried and cried and cried. A nurse came in and checked on her and helped to calm her down. They also sent down one of the psychologists to talk to Ivy about everything and that was a huge help. She was worried about Ally, she was so selfish to say those things to her, especially when she’s sacrificed so much to have this baby. She didn’t deserve Ally, even after everything she said Ally was forgiving, Ally still loved her and wanted to help her… why did she just hurt the one woman who loves her more than anyone else in the world??

#ally mayfair richards #ivy mayfair richards #oz mayfair richards #ahs cult fanfiction #ahs cult #Sarah Paulson #Making Oz: Chapter 4

[jfleurcannon]

oh fuck. a hysterectomy story.

just so i don't have to go through explaining. please visit links and read up if you are interested, i simplified it AF and wiki'd the source, otherwise, this is legit not the place for you. i talk about things, life, whatnot, and my life is fucking bullshit sometimes.

endometriosis

adenomysosis

fibromyalgia - i'm not even gonna get into this one. because, as the doctor who diagnosed me said, 'not many people believe in this one, so maybe don't say that you have it out loud.' but chalk that guy up for chronic musculoskeletal & joint pain in my wrists, arms, shoulders, back, butt, and knees. but 🤫.

i'm sure y'all know wtf depression and anxiety are, i see those #bellletstalk tags. it's been with me for years, since i guess the chronic pain started. i got my period and wondered why the fuck i was the only one who got sick, like sick. fainting, knocking over a mannequin display at the eddie bauer at fairview mall (you're welcome, sisters), passing out at school and having to be carried out by julie (thank you, sister), missing so many activities and things i wanted to do but couldn't. having 'jenn's always sick anyways' thrown in my face by a childhood friend, being made to feel bad about pain and not wanting to be in the mood, having to cancel plans last minute because of pending pain, side effects from meds i'm taking that make me sick, but not quite as sick as the original problem - so i deal. like i deal with it all. [like a warrior. i have held my pain like the damn death star. my uterus is the death star. except that time i carried and birthed a baby, and then it was fucking AWESOME!] typically it's bottom shelf paper bag internalized. and for years my solution was to therapy it out, or shove the feels down hard so i developed massive GI issues, or maybe that is the endo, who the fuck knows. fast forward years of therapy and a shit ton of medication and three suicide attempts, the final one being in 2007. i was hospitalized for the final attempt at sunnybrook's mental health ward. the F ward, i shit you not. i felt like girl intrurrupted, but there was no winona or angelina. there was a pam and a joan. no padded room, but i couldn't leave to go outside for the first week. that was fucked up.

pain is pain, and although i am a fan of ja-rule, pain has never equaled love to me. it has only left me with an overwhelming hate for parts of my life, that were always plagued by illness, pain, and brewing depressive state. i would get sick for long, long periods of time and there would be no reason for it. had i known then what i had (endo, adeno, fibro, MFGT's) it would have made sense. two of the three are auto-immune diseases. i get a cold, and i really get it. i lose my voice, and it's gone for months.

the only fast thing i've done is labour and delivery. it might seem strange to put the birth of my child in the pain category, however the story will explain why in a mo. i arrived at the hospital at 10am at 2cm dilated, upon exam by a nurse i pushed and my water broke, i was put in a wheelchair and brought to wait for a L&D room, outside the exam room and in the tiny hallway, there my insides tore open, quite literally, nerve damage, and rapid labour. i screamed and screamed and was told to wait while they got things ready. i mean. i thought i was dying. why was this happening so fast? my husband came back up as i was being brought into the room (i think, some details are fuzzy). i was examined by a doctor and was at 10cm. it hadn't been more than 10 minutes since i had arrived. i remember things moving too quickly for me and i was very panicked that something was wrong. i remember being told the boy's heartbeat was becoming compromised and we needed to get him out. options included a C-section, forceps, or the vacuum. all terrified me as i literally was without ANY pain management. we opted for the vacuum and they offered me laughing gas as a super sad knife-in-the-back compromise. i took it, but the hell? AT THAT VERY MOMENT I WANTED THE SWEET, SWEET NECTAR OF THE ALL POWERFUL EPIDURAL! four pushes with the vacuum on and the boy was born, at 10:35am. in 35 minutes i arrived at the hospital had my baby, like whatevs, and held him while being stitched up. naturally there were stitches. i can't even with that pain. OMG. people say you won't remember the labour pain and that 'it'll just go away when you see your perfect baby', you know what? they lied to your face, or they had an epidural, or they didn't experience rapid labour. 2-10 in 5 minutes. they did not teach me that in L&D class. i wanted ice chips, and the tub, and the playlist of music, and maybe a pelvic roll or two on the ball, but no, miles wanted his entrance to be dramatic and fast and it was nothing less than that.

any and all of the things i've battled have stayed with me like wearing a cloak, all day everyday i feel pain, whether it's physical, mental, emotional, or otherwise, i feel it. i can't see it but i fucking feel it. with diagnosis always come the waiting game of endless specialists, tests, interventions by way of oral medication, physical therapy, walking epidurals, suppositories in my ass or vag, chiropractor visits, along with visits to acupuncture, massage, GP, GYNE, and psychologists.

after a thirty year battle, and almost one year of keeping this in my drafts folder, i finally have felt an end to my endometriosis and adenomyosis pain. a hysterectomy and final excision of endo from nerve clusters fused together because of it, i can breathe. i can breathe clearly and without a constant fear of nausea, hot flashes, bizarre mood swings because of the menopausal state the IUD was causing, and chronic pelvic/back/low abdomen/bowel pain. i still have a 44 year old body and permanent nerve damage from rapid labour and negligence from a past surgeon, but holy hot hell it's nice to not want to punch people in the face for asking you how you feel. i know that's not a normal reaction to that question. i get that. however, as someone who has suffered from chronic pain her whole adult life, it is the hardest question to answer honestly. how you feel sometimes is like shit, or crap, or a god damn mess, or you just don't want to talk, especially to that person but you can't say it. so you answer, 'fine', 'great', or 'living the dream'. is the honest answer the best answer? it may not be, but it's the one with the least amount of follow up questions or lengthy conversation to follow. i love things, and flowers, and coffee, and white wine, and my man friend, and my kid, and my family, and a handful of others - but for the most part i would honestly prefer not to talk to anyone about anything. it's all the same conversation anyway. and i'm tired. tired of listening. tired of talking/hearing my own voice. tired of noise. in need of quiet and calm. my one year surgery anniversary is coming up and i'm looking forward to it. i have never looked forward to a post surgery anything because those have always led to more surgeries. but the doctor from brazil with the 'small hands' did the job this time. removed the death star and its accompanying bullshit organs (tubes and cervix) and we are good to go now. she works again, without pain 😉

surgeries for endometriosis & adenomyosis

2006 - laser laparoscopic discovery of endo

2009 - stage IV endo excision via laparoscopy

2015 - laser laparoscopic removal of endo & appendectomy

2016 - endo excision via laparoscopy

2019 - full hysterectomy (minus ovaries) and extensive endo excision on nerve clusters fused together

#hysterectomy #endometriosis #adenomyosis #fibromyalgia #depression #anxiety #rapid labour

[darthputa]

RIP

I need to get something off my chest. Literally lmao. This is gonna get into some venty shit so just b aware... --------- Anyways if you've been following me for a lil bit you should know that last summer i found out i had pcos. Pcos fucking sucks. Its a key cause of my depression and anxiety, its what makes me fat and unable to lose it, its why i'm tired all the time ( i get no nutrients from my food bc of androgen and its control on my insulin), it makes my periods last 8-10months, annnd its the cause of my hair growth. I have hair, everywhere. I have extreme sideburns ™, from my eyebrows to my hairline, a mustache, my chin, hair on my arms, on my hands and knuckles, my chest and my breasts, my stomach, my toes, my back, etc and its very.... Im cis, but i deal with dysphoria sometimes? Obviously not in the same way someone who is trans is, but i cant find a word to describe it as well as that one does. "Women" in our society are supposed to be thin hairless creatures who can have babies. I am none of those things lmao. Everytime I look at myself( my face specifically) its like gross!! ur not a woman!! look at all that hair!! But its not like im saying im a man, does that make sense?? (nor am i saying women cant or shouldnt have body hair this is just me..talkin bout my experience...) My brain is just like ur not a real woman constantly because i have all these "male" hormones and all these "male" body hair patterns( my dr is always like male male male male and im just!!!!) and my uterus and ovaries dont work and its really depressing lmao. Im so much of not a woman that i need medicine to make my body think im a woman!!! And so I have this need to PASS. Apparently im not a real woman so i gotta fake it??? I try and shave everything I can and its painful and i usually knick myself so im bleeding in the shower crying its a big ol mess. If i go anywhere i have to do my makeup so if i still have hair on my face well maybe they wont notice. And i HATE it!! Im tired of waking up at 6 am to do makeup for a 10am class!! Im tired of constantly having to shave so I feel like a woman ™ and so my family doesnt bully me!! Im tired of feeling like i'm not a woman when i KNOW im a woman!! So yea I hate my body ™ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#Anyway gender sucks and i want to die #and this is without my fatness so add that in and its an even bigger mess #fat women are not seen as feminine especially black fat women #and i know i am lightskinned but that didnt stop tx whites from calling me mammy or sugar momma #everything about me is unfeminine ™ ;))) #v

[gaiatheorist]

“The correct word is vagina.”

I gave myself a time-out on this one, I’d seen the ‘100 vulvas’ article in The Guardian, then the internet meltdown as a man, Paul Bullen, tried to tell a gynaecologist she was using the wrong word. She wasn’t, and my initial rage that he was asserting incorrect information didn’t abate when he KEPT doing it. He just wouldn’t accept being corrected.

He eventually back-tracked that what he was saying was that the ‘commonly used’ word for the vulva is ‘vagina’, and that, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone else is as much of the problem as some-men refusing to acknowledge when they are wrong. Reflecting back to my biology lessons at school, the diagrams of the male reproductive system had more detailed labels than the female ones, because the lessons were concerned with reproductive functioning, not anatomy. Vagina, cervix, uterus, ovaries, if the vulva was labelled at all, it wasn’t discussed, or explained in any detail, because it’s not ‘really’ part of the reproductive system. It’s not ‘essential’ for reproduction, ask Christopher Chope. The male reproductive system had more labels, we had scrotum and testes, seminal vesicles, prostate gland, vas deferens, shaft, glans, foreskin, much more detail on the delivery system than the system that does the rest of the work. 

Even further back in time, when I was giving my statement to a police officer after disclosing sexual abuse, I’d stated that my vagina had been penetrated. As per protocol with Child Protection recording, the officer will have been trained to ‘use the words as stated’ in her report. I’d stated ‘vagina’, which possibly seemed like a stilted and technical term for a girl of 12/13, so the officer sought clarification. “What do you call your vagina?” “I don’t call it anything, I don’t talk to it that much.”, I was awkward back then, as well. I didn’t talk to it, or about it, we didn’t have a cute family word for it, no front-bum, or tuppence, or foof. It was ‘down there’ or ‘bits’, but it was mostly unmentioned-unspeakable. “Don’t touch that, you’ll make it sore.” My vulva and vagina were ‘that.’ 

“That” and “down there” and “bits”, cutesy-euphemisms, and the general lack-of-discussion, unless it’s some bloke saying “She had a fanny like a busted sofa!” to ‘have a laugh’ with his mates, herein lies the problem, and the reason Paul thought he was right. (He totally wasn’t.) Women don’t tend to talk about their genitals, because girls don’t mention them. While the boys are off willy-coptering, or having pissing competitions, or doing an Adrian Mole and measuring their penises, the girls aren’t even mentioning their paraphernalia. It’s the Cloaca Complex, we’re conditioned not to touch, explore, or even discuss ‘that’, because it’s dirty, it’s smelly, it’s for going to the toilet. (Hello, all the people who boys-will-be-boys about a toddler tugging his todger, so is a penis.) (For toilet-business, not ‘dirty’ or ‘smelly.’) If a vulva is malodorous, it might well be the case that the owner has never been taught how to clean it, how utterly paradoxical that we’re taught-not-to-touch, and the thing BECOMES dirty as a result. (Don’t go all Gwyneth Paltrow on it, mild soap and water does the trick, as long as you get into all the nooks and crannies, of which there are many.) 

Women are dying of preventable cancers because they’re embarrassed about their genitalia. I appreciate that men are also less-likely to present to their doctors with ‘tackle’ related issues, but that’s more likely to be the ‘real men don’t’ angle than worrying that their parts aren’t porn-perfect. The stereotype of women being neurotic-hypochondriacs, who will present to the doctor with everything doesn’t extend to our genitals. I hate smear tests, or any other kind of gynaecological procedures, I’m not scared of them, I literally loathe having strangers poking around my privates, but I’ll bite my lip, (Orbicularis oris, I’m not THAT flexible) count the tiles on the ceiling, and try not to tense up. I’m an odd sort of creature, and I like knowing the names for things, so I can explain to the poor practitioner probing my nethers that I have an anterior-tilted uterus, and a high cervix, with an old abrasion scar on the posterior side, that tends to bleed if touched, and contaminate slides. I can distinguish my labia majora from my labia minora, I know where my urethral opening is, and I know that the clitoral hood is a different structure to the clitoris itself, so people who talk about clit-piercings are wrong. I like having the correct words for things, and the ‘correct word’ for my vulva is not ‘vagina.’ 

Paul, wrong-though-he-is, does have a point. A lot of people, including women, do refer to the whole general area ‘down there’ as the vagina. They’re wrong. The vagina is only the ‘birth canal’, the muscular tube, open to the outside world at one end, and terminating in the cervix at the other. (Apologies to anyone without a cervix, anyone who hasn’t or won’t ‘birth’, and anyone who may not have started life with that configuration.) Paul is trying to be all right-on, and hip, and inclusive, by using the word ‘vagina’, he might not even have screwed up his face when he typed it. This is where the issues become very tangled. To quote Tim Minchin’s brilliant ‘Prejudice’, “Only a ginger can call another ginger ‘Ginger.’.” The first-wave feminists encouraged women to explore and examine their genitals, and re-claimed the word ‘vagina’. Most people, with the notable exception of the current US president, don’t have an issue saying the word, “Bleeding from her wherever.” was insulting, but also a reflection on his own oppressive-repression, he finds females less-than, and can’t bring himself to utter the word ‘vagina.’ 

Widely-used though the word is, it wasn’t given to Paul. He decided to take it, and re-frame it within his own misconstrued context, I wonder if he uses the N-word in company of black people, too? We-women, long disadvantaged by patriarchal oppression, HAVE vaginas, Paul does not. It’s not up to Paul to tell us how to refer to our genitals, and it’s certainly not his place to man-splain to a gynaecologist about ‘correct’ terminology, then claim he wasn’t man-splaining. He totally was. Terminology changes, oppressed groups re-claim words, names, or labels, I’m perfectly comfortable referring to myself as a whore in some circumstances, BUT I’m not having someone on the outside deciding when I’m a whore, and when I’m not. I’m happy enough referring to the collection of structures that make up my genitalia as my ‘cunt’, and then giving more detailed directions as and when required, but that doesn’t give anyone else permission to call me a ‘stupid cunt.’ (I am more than the sum of my parts.) 

A lack of education and confidence leads to some people referring to the vulva as the vagina. It’s clinically incorrect, but widespread. (No pun intended.) Paul was wrong to state “The correct word is vagina.”, he was extra-wrong to state it, with absolute dick-swinging confidence, to a gynaecologist, and I’m incredulous at how long he kept arguing. The arrogance of the man, he just wouldn’t admit he was wrong, to be fair to him, I didn’t see him being unpleasant to any of the people replying to him, but he just wouldn’t back down. We-women are tired of shit like that, of being told what we think, or why we’re wrong to have opinions, especially by people who are spouting absolute bollocks. Man-splaining is a new term for a practice that has possibly existed since the dawn of society, women have come a long way from being chattel-in-corsets, but we’re STILL routinely corrected by men. We can’t possibly understand things, with our pretty little heads, can we? When we argue back, we’re hysterical harridans, man-haters.

‘Men’ I don’t hate you. Sometimes I call some of your behaviours into question, because they perpetuate archaic inequalities that have no basis in fact, logic, or science.  I’m calling Paul’s behaviour into question. Paul, all of him, not just the part of him that is his penis, was a penis. 

[karalianne]

My important medical appointment tomorrow. Read More cuz possible TMI about the ways my body has tried to kill me and is currently trying to do me in.

Point-form history of my reproductive disaster:

March 2011: Discovered via ultrasound that I had a fibroid on my uterus and a large cyst on my left ovary.

March 2012: Cyst was removed via laparoscopy; it was 10cm diameter at the time, and it was a tumor but not cancerous.

May 2014: I got pregnant.

October 2014: The fibroid (remember that?) burst and I nearly died from blood loss (into my abdomen); I was hospitalized for 9 days, then spent two weeks living at my friend’s house, then spent the next two months sleeping at my house and spending my days at her house.

December 2014: I was allowed to spend Christmas at my parents’ house, and then I was allowed to spend my days alone at my own home for the rest of my pregnancy; unfortunately for me, the third trimester was all about being sore and tired, so no nesting for me! All the joy of pregnancy was stolen by that stupid fibroid.

March 2015: I birthed my baby via emergency c-section, during which the fibroid (now 20cm diameter) started bleeding and wouldn’t stop; as a result, I was on the table for an extra two hours while they removed the fibroid and another cyst that was forming on my left ovary. My husband paced the halls with our son and nobody even suggested he give the baby a bottle. (Gee, I wonder why he lost too much weight right after birth?) My parents came quickly. My mother held my son before I was able to because I had the shakes so badly, and then you know who fed my son first? My mom. With formula. And then we had to stay in hospital for a few extra days because the baby lost too much weight right after he was born, and we had to get his weight back up.

So. Child is now nearly 3 years old. We are thinking we might want to try and get pregnant again sometime this year. (I am actually scared to be pregnant again, given all that trauma, but anyway.)

In August, I started having twinges in my pelvic region, and I had some really weird dreams, but I never missed a period and all pregnancy tests came back negative. Then I noticed that when I lay on my front on the bed my pelvic area felt like there was something large there, like when the fibroid was getting bigger in August when I was pregnant. So I asked my doctor to refer me for an ultrasound to see if I had another fibroid.

I got the ultrasound in November, and I don’t have a fibroid.

I have two 15cm diameter ovarian cysts, one on each side.

No wonder I have to pee constantly. There’s no room for my bladder.

The cysts have to be removed, there’s no question about that; they’re too big to just leave alone---that’s why they’re so large, after all; my body doesn’t shrink the bloody things, it grows them. And big ones like this you’re at risk of them bursting or twisting, both of which are painful and can be dangerous.

So my doctor referred me to a gynecologist, and I saw her in December. She said that if we weren’t wanting to do another pregnancy, she would recommend just taking out everything since it’s all such a problem and the cysts are so freaking huge. But since we want to retain fertility, she referred me to the oncologists at the university hospital since they might have a better idea of whether or not we can save anything. Note that I do not have cancer, and I do not have PCOS. I just have messed up ovaries that don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing.

I got the referral call this morning for an appointment tomorrow afternoon.

I started freaking out about it about six hours after the call. Takes time to process stuff.

I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get pregnant again. I don’t know for sure if I want to be pregnant again. But that choice may be totally taken away from me based on the results of tomorrow’s appointment.

I’ve joked in the past that my body hates me, what with all the tendinitis and joint pain and pinched nerves I deal with every day, but apparently it just wants to kill me.

(At least I live in Canada, so all of this medical stuff is covered. And my husband’s work insurance will pay for a private room if I have to stay in the hospital for any length of time following the surgery.)

#original material #text #pregnancy #reproduction #ovarian cysts #trauma #medical trauma #so yeah that's why I jumped in with both feet on that reblog earlier #I tried to filter it and not be snarky #but OMG I'm literally looking at life or death here people #I have no patience for your crap

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Hi, so I just wanna vent real quick. I suffer from chronic pain because of my PCOS and I’m in pain 2 weeks out of every month practically and birth control didn’t help me at all I actually still bled very heavily plus cramps so bad I couldn’t move. :( no one understands how debilitating this syndrome really is even if you don’t have cysts on your ovaries they can mimic the pain of an actual cyst bursting. I’m just so tired of being in pain or having no energy. :( do you have any encouragement :(

Oh gosh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. :( First of all, I want to ask if you’ve tried a seasonal/three month birth control? I talked to a gynecologist about my incredibly heavy periods and painful cramps and she put me on Seasonique to get me on a three month cycle. My uterus resisted for a while, and I still tend to have my period in the middle of the pack instead of the end, but it’s REALLY helped. The cramps hurt, but not make-my-knees-buckle hurt, and the bleeding lasts longer, but it’s not nearly so heavy.

When it comes to the pain itself... man, I wish I could tell you how to handle it. I’ve been dealing with chronic pain for a decade and sometimes I still feel like I’m going crazy because of it. 

Honestly, I don’t think anyone handles long-term pain well, so I think we have to work hard to forgive ourselves for what it does to us. I know that the pain has changed me, changed me in ways I really don’t like, but I know that’s not my fault and I truly am dealing with it as best as I can. I have to try to forgive myself for what the pain does to me - the anger, the depression, the isolation, the bitterness, the weakness. I have to remind myself that no one can be strong and courageous all the time, and it’s okay for me to just feel like shit and hate this situation and not cope very well. 

Chronic pain messes with your head, and I mean that both figuratively and literally. It causes physical changes to your brain, and it’s often the mental side of it that’s hardest to deal with. For me, it’s not the pain itself, because I have a high tolerance, but it’s the mental strain of knowing that it never stops, that I have to face it day in and day out, that there’s no escape from it. That’s the most difficult part for me, and I’m still struggling to deal with it. I’ve seriously considered finding a therapist who can help me with that, but fuck, I can hardly take a shower, much less get to a therapist’s office right now.

I can tell you at least this - your pain is real. It should never be minimized or dismissed, not by anyone, and you should never be made to feel like it’s not as bad as it is. I’ve heard nightmarish stories of women with ovarian cysts who’ve ended up screaming in an emergency room, so it’s really fucking real. We aren’t made to have to endure that kind of suffering on an ongoing basis, and you shouldn’t just “be stronger” or “suck it up” or “tough it out”. You’re allowed to cry and be weak and be scared and just want this to stop.

You can find some support and some resources in my chronic pain tag, and I also recommend the site The Mighty for community and encouragement. I’m sure you could also find groups for PCOS on tumblr and on Facebook, so you could talk to people going through the exact same thing. It helps to just digitally hang out with people who understand pain.

Also, I’m going to say that if you truly can’t function during those high pain days, consider talking to one of your doctors about an opioid prescription. I know that’s become very taboo these days, consider the epidemic of abusing opioids, but no amount of addiction changes the fact that chronic pain patients need pain management, and there’s no shame in us receiving the drugs we need to function. I have to take Vicodin to be able to do the things I need to do. It doesn’t truly take the pain away, but it dulls the edge enough that I can get out of bed. This is a post discussing the best way to talk a doctor about getting a prescription. 

Sometimes, all you can do is distract yourself and try not to sink deeper into depression. Try to laugh as much as possible, even if it’s dark humor. Try to remember that no matter how weak and pathetic you feel, you’re strong as hell just for surviving. You’re stronger than anybody knows.

#chronic pain #pcos #anonymous #ask

[themomsandthecity]

The Hormonal Effects of Weaning and What You Can Do About Them

I hate the arguments that women shouldn't be president/boss/considered human because their hormones make them do crazy things, but I do think it's important to acknowledge that hormones are powerful. That doesn't mean they make us into impulsive zombies or anything, but hormones can change the way we look at the world, the way our bodies feel, and the way we function. And it's not just pregnancy or PMS. Being a person with a uterus and ovaries and breasts means that life is full of hormonal changes. I'm almost two and a half years past childbirth, but since I'm still breastfeeding my son, this whole time has been a roller coaster of hormones. We recently started the process of weaning, and, let me tell you, it is a huge hormone clusterf*ck. Related Mom's Photography Project Is Normalizing Breastfeeding in the Most Stunning Way I barely remember this from last time, when I weaned my firstborn, but that is actually understandable. First of all, every child is different, and every postpartum body is different, including my two postpartum bodies with my two different children, which, it turns out, have wildly different reactions to the hormonal phases of motherhood. I don't remember feeling exhausted and nauseated and sad when I weaned my eldest, but, and here's the key, we also block out a lot of bad sh*t about motherhood. Why else would we have second or third children? It's evolutionary biology - we have to block it all out! I don't remember feeling exhausted and nauseated and sad when I weaned my eldest, but, and here's the key, we also block out a lot of bad sh*t about motherhood. So lately, when I've found myself feeling bloated and weepy and tired and grumpy (and definitely not pregnant, thanks) I could not figure out what was making me feel so out of sorts and disconnected from my body. My husband said, as he often has to, in the gentlest of ways, "Do you think it might be connected to the totally normal yet not-insignificant side-effects of the hormonal changes you're no doubt experiencing as a result of weaning?" He has to phrase this carefully, we both know, because I don't like being told that the 'mones are making me cray, even when we both know it's the case. You'd think that would have been the light bulb moment, but, like most things in life, it required both my sister and my BFF telling me the same thing in the subsequent days for me to finally believe that I wasn't just insane or sick or lazy. Once I'd made peace with the idea that something that seems so minor as stopping breastfeeding was actually pretty major for my entire body, I felt somewhat better. Then, I had to decide what to do about it to make myself comfortable for this part of the journey. Here are some tips for when hormones are affecting you. 1. Get smart I am not suggesting you go down the Google hole (though I've done that!). I'm just saying that a little research might go a long way to making you feel a little less alone and a little less out of control. Once I googled "Weaning and Exhausted" and found about a zillion hits, I gave myself permission to just be tired and cut myself a break. I stopped judging myself for being tired and stopped punishing my body for doing something other than what I wanted it to. 2. Move your body I'm not a big fan of treadmills and gyms, but to each her own. For me, it's all about long walks in nature and taking a dance class to get my body moving. My weekly Zumba class is where my brain does its best thinking, and the sweating and heart-pumping doesn't hurt, either. 3. Find other ways to connect Weaning my son is so bittersweet. He's growing up - talking in full sentences, gaining independence, making me laugh all the time - but he's also my last baby. I know I don't plan on having any more, and thus, deciding to stop nursing him is sad. I will miss the closeness, the intimacy, the tear-stopping magic of nursing. I will not miss the middle-of-the-night wake-ups and sore nipples and untrimmed toddler fingernails, except for that, in a few years, I bet that will all seem like sweet memories, but I know - for a dozen reasons I won't get into here - it's time for me to stop nursing. Related Mom's Note About Breastfeeding Shows Just How Bittersweet the End Can Be So, at the advice of a few trusted friends, I'm finding other ways to get close to my baby. Now that it's not just about my boobs 24/7, we're getting to know each other in new ways. This morning, after washing his hair in the bath, we made a tent on my bed and cuddled. I scratched his back gently and sang to him. All of this is new - in the years past, we would have nursed in this situation, which was - and is - great. But I am learning to appreciate these new options, and it's giving my son and me a new aspect to our mother-child relationship. I'm also finding other ways to connect with my husband and older child. Though I'm not weaning either of them, this does change aspects of our whole family's life. It means I'm not so completely touched out at the end of the day, so my husband and I are cuddling more. It means I'm not glued to the couch for hours each day, nursing my son, so my daughter and I have more time to read books together. I'm finding the pros when it feels like the cons of giving up nursing are heavy. 4. Talk about it Have friends? A sister? A mom? Find someone who has been there and done that, who can reassure you that you're not making this sh*t up. Somehow, in the four years between my two kids, I forgot how weaning made me feel. Luckily, both my sister and my best friend were around to remind me that a) they went through similar symptoms, and b) they were there for me going through similar feelings the last time around! It's totally normal to block out some of the unpleasantness about motherhood, so if you've forgotten - momentarily - talk to a friend who is in a different phase of parenting. Likely, she'll remember what you're blocking out and give you some real talk. Even if your BFF isn't a mom, talking to a friend always makes things seem less scary. And if you need to talk to a professional, remember that there's no shame in that. Therapy is amazing, and other kinds of health professionals can be great resources, too. Your OB or midwife will have great insight, and your spiritual leader or community organizer of choice is certain to offer advice, perspective, and ways to get involved in the outside world and put your troubles out of your mind for a bit. 5. Forget about it While talking it out is awesome and important, it's also good to occasionally put hard stuff out of your mind and escape. Watch TV (maybe not The Handmaid's Tale at this particular moment!) and get lost in something funny or romantic or in someone else's problems. 6. Remember: this, too, shall pass The biggest constant is change, right? Just like with your newborn, all phases - good or bad - usually last about two weeks. So if you feel like hormones are making your body save up water like a camel in the desert, relax and lean into it. It'll probably change in a week or two. Nothing lasts forever, and you'll do yourself a huge favor by remembering that. No matter how low you feel, how out of control it seems your body is, whatever the issue, remember you won't feel like this forever. Say it with me (this is how I coach my kids through temper tantrums, too!): "This feeling won't last forever. I won't always feel this way." http://bit.ly/2sA8vZ2

#Personal Essay #Parenting Tips and Advice #Breastfeeding #Motherhood #Hormones