#I’m sure I’m bias because of my own experiences with it but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my reasons or that I have to like it lel

[igglemouse]

Sunday brings another sunny day to Oasis Springs and my morning, as usual, starts with breakfast. This time chicken and waffles. Taking a syrupy bite of them reveals why these things have been sooo popular for my stand. I'm not sure if it's my own skill that's the result of the sweet and savory flavor combustion on my tongue or the waffle cooking thing I use but either way this dish is definitely a simoleons maker.

I do believe you always enjoy your own cooking or at least there is a good chance for it so I'm sure there is some bias in what I am about to say but I should probably consider raising the price of my dishes.

So part of my big plan is to really lean more into variety. The staples of my stand will of course be waffles and pizza, just because they are easy to make on the spot and who doesn't love waffles or pizza? Could I combine the two and...ah, any way, while I could put out more chicken quesadillas I do have to realize that stocking my stand with that every day is going to make it feel less and less special, so today will be something new! Pan Con Tomate! It being unfamiliar around these parts will help its appeal as the curiosity will draw sims nearer which is the first step to making simoleons.

Food, at its best, is an experience. The first thing one experiences is how it looks so if it looks like garbage then one will hold their nose instinctively and not even want to smell it. If it looks tempting then people will linger a little closer to engage their sense of smell. These two, in my very humble opinion, is what gets someone to take a bite.

Of course the most important sense is taste but you won't get that far if you present garbage.

So, part of my presentation today will be something new and fresh. Along with pizza of course, since you really can never go wrong with pizza!

Pizza takes a bit of time to make and just enough time to work on my hip movement. You might not know this about me but I'm a very good dancer! I think I could have even become a professional at it if I wanted as it is just something that comes to me naturally, especially with the right kind of music. If the tunes can't get my hips swaying then I have no time for it!

My plan, which I'll reveal in a moment, has me brimming with confidence, so much so that I spend a little extra on self care. Slicing up lemons and limes and soaking in my cheap but tolerable tub to just enjoy the moment.

My budget is tight, probably far too restrictive to spend too much on bath bombs and other aromatherapy but like I've mentioned, I'm feeling really good about my stand today and I'm betting that I make my simoleons back...

That's right, it was time to take my stand on the road, specifically, to the heart of the town, Oasis Springs park! Today, the heat is not too overpowering and so there are plenty of people just wandering around looking for something to do and hopefully something to eat. So the park becomes a perfect backdrop for my stand and really, so far at least, a launching pad for my reputation here in Oasis Springs.

I'm not here to just make a few simoleons, I'm also here to make my name. I'll be more than the 'Food Stand' girl.

One great thing about being a chef is that you will never lack for food.

I plan on being here all day, I won't leave until the sun does, and that means for a moment I must retreat from work and take a break. I grab a plate of chicken and waffles and dig in, letting bigger plans and grand ideas settle in my mind.

Honestly, when I moved here, the idea of a humble life appealed to me. I wanted to make just enough to have a roof over my head and food in my belly, everything after that would be a bonus...but now that I've had a taste of success, I want more.

Why settle when more is on the table?

The sun does make its leave and I take the more that is offered to me as I work a little into night and only close up when its clear that I've squeezed the park for every simoleon I could.

The result? Well over 800 simoleons, a massive day, far exceeding the measly 100 simoleon goal I've set for myself.

The park may be empty now but my pockets are full!

I make it home with the success of my day fresh on my mind but not forgetting that I chose work over another day out with Pascal. I recall that after he had a big game he called me and shared the excitement of his victory and so I meant to do the same.

The problem? Well, maybe I've called a little too late but he doesn't sound too enthused at the sound of my voice? I tell him about how well I've sold and while he does congratulate me there is an undertone in his voice that I don't quite like, a hint of indifference that didn't match the sincere joy I shared with him the other day when he discussed his assist goal thingy.

I'm not sure what to think of it, perhaps nothing at all? Sometimes we overthink things, especially with men, you know how they can be? It is also pretty late, nearing ten, and he's an athlete so I'm sure he's tired.

Yes, I think I'm overthinking things, and with an ex-lover slipping back into my life the last thing I should do is complicate things...

Episode List - Episode 3 ‘Work It Out’

#The Sims #The Sims 4 #ts4 #Sims #Sims 4 #sims legacy #my sims #generation 1 #soot #sims of our time #frida varela #pascal alcocer #simon barrera

[my-quirk-is-fred]

I’ve had a lot of complaints about the Y/n “not being a y/n.”

And… I gotta say, I know it sounds like a stretch, but I get the feeling it’s because of the poc traits…

Let me share an example I saved:

This person complained about the character, saying it can’t be a y/n because it’s not supposed to have distinguishing features…

Um…Wrong???

I have seen thousands of Y/n’s with their own unique traits. Yes, there are some extremely blank slates, but there are so many Y/n’s that have their own unique qualities, it’s not even funny.

I’ll get to the race part, hold on…

I’m gonna go ahead and squash that little argument about “clothes” being the issue. No. Y/n’s have clothes. Again, there are countless y/n’s with their own choice of clothes. my other Y/n’s have their own clothes which has never been an issue on TikTok before.

they also point out that they’re “female”. If you actually listened, they’re any gender, not just “female”. Trans men have these bodies, non binary’s have these bodies…

And let’s not ignore the fact that there are so many masculine and feminine Y/ns out there, but nobody, and I mean nobody has complained about that… but I’m sure that’s not actually the issue…

If you look closely at the screen shot, they say “it’s not because they’re poc” while pointing out a poc feature like their hair…

Let me tell you… I’ve seen countless Y/n’s with different hair styles that are had by white people. And no one has ever pointed out the hair as a non-y/n trait. So why is the hair a problem now???

Why is the hair an issue??????? Like I pointed out, it’s not even that visible, only a small portion of it is poking out…

Am I wrong? Am I being gaslit? Cuz from my experience, countless Y/n’s I’ve seen are non-poc and have been accepted with open arms. Now it’s a problem???

And why get hostile out of nowhere? I didn’t accuse you of racism, I pointed out that this Y/n is poc, explaining the hair and the skin, and when you say “no, no, the distinguishable features!”

And I respond with “like…?”

I was asking what makes this not a Y/n. Then you suddenly get steamed.

Nah, I think that was racial bias. It doesn’t help that they blocked me after I kindly stated that none of what they said makes the character not a Y/n.

Tell me where that energy went with other Y/ns???

Just say you’re white and find a y/n that isn’t poc, asshole.

[ziamln]

Long ramble post. [1D]

I’m feeling nostalgic, overanalysing shit, and bored on a Thursday night with nothing to do. You can read this or skip over it, especially if you disagree, I’m not looking for drama. This will probably be messy and incoherent with 0 structure. For those of you who weren’t there during the 1D era, this may be confusing, particularly if you weren’t there during the shit storm that was 2015/16. Again, feel free to skip this, as it will be long and probably won't make sense, but this is my blog so you don’t necessarily have to agree with me. Before I go into this I feel like I need to clarify, I am proud of all 5 boys and their solo careers, I support them all wholeheartedly, and my saying I miss OT5 doesn’t mean I don’t. some things are facts stated by the boys others are merely a speculation or my own deduction from what has been implied or reading between the lines, just to put that out there. Bear in mind I am a Ziam blog, Liam and Zayn have always been my focal point, and always will be and I also have a Louis [& slight Larry] bias so, do what you will with that information. Basically feel free to skip!

It was so good to see Zayn in an interview after so long [I can't lie it's so weird hearing people commenting on his talking voice as something new and unusual], but hopefully, he’ll actually get better promo for this upcoming album, I’m super excited either way, his music is rarely short of anything but a masterpiece. But there’s a line in Zayn’s recent podcast which stuck out to me.

Personally, I found this intriguing, because at least to me, I feel as though it explains quite a few things. Particularly regarding Zouiam [Zayn, Louis and Liam], I’m not saying it didn’t apply to Niall or Harry but, I feel like it provides some sort of perspective on things others have speculated on, and also some things I have speculated on. Again, this is merely a speculation on my part, you don’t have to agree [scrolling is very easy]. I will not claim to know as much as I may have known about all 5 of them as I did 8 years ago, admittedly, though I support most of the boys through listening to their music, I don’t pay much attention beyond that to anyone other than Zayn, Liam and sometimes Louis, this isn’t to say I don’t like Niall, I enjoy his music or Harry, I have always been a Ziam/ Zouiam account and have always stuck to them, and as solo artists, I prefer their music, even during their time as a band. [As I’m sure many have a preference for the other boys. I don’t see an issue with it unless it is purposefully disrespectful or hateful to others.]

I know a lot of people are stuck on the line of how after ‘5 years together they all got sick of one another’, which is understandable and perhaps almost inevitable. [Personally, as someone with a sibling I definitely understand the sentiment] I don’t see any malice or drama in it, it would naturally happen to anyone after so many years of constantly being together, with barely any breaks and performing together non-stop for almost 5 years. It would catch up to even the most patient of people, especially considering how they were literally teenagers/ young adults the whole time. Nothing he said in that interview was hateful at all.

Also not to dismiss his line about how he said "I completely selfishly wanted to be the first person to go and make my own record." with this, whilst I’m not saying it’s untrue because it could be true that that's what happened. But I can’t deny its a little confusing because of the number of times the story of his reasoning for leaving the band has been changed throughout the years, initially, it started as him citing stress and saying he wanted to be a ‘normal 22-year-old’, then it was that he said there was ‘never any room for me to experiment creatively’ made sense as it was rumoured that his writing had been snubbed on Four and it could possibly be a mixture of all the reasons combined. But my point is we have been given many different reasons, but we will probably never know the full truth, so at this point, it's anyone’s guess as to what the actual reasoning was.

Of course, there is no doubt that behind the scenes of the entire One Direction era was a complete shit show, as has been stated/ hinted at by most if not all members at this point in some way, shape or form. So we can only begin to imagine the stress and pressure they were constantly put through. There is a lot we don’t know about that time, and probably never will. Some things are perhaps even traumatic for the boys who had to go through it, all we can do is speculate and be as supportive as possible as fans. 

I mean I feel like this trauma has presented itself in different ways with each member, perhaps in ways we will never know, Zayn himself has stated that we could never understand that time as it is something only they would get. 

In terms of image and what they show; Niall is quiet, unproblematic and as far as I’m aware he seems pretty much like, other than his music and tours, he keeps to himself. Harry from my impression, is a loudly quiet person, by this I mean, he comes across as loud as though he divulges a lot, people may claim he is the one who people have the most knowledge of, which is true to an extent. But in terms of his personal life, there are limitations, understandable of course, but it seems to me we only know what we are shown and the rest is left to be read between the lines. 

Louis, I feel as though we learn more about him through his music, his private life is fairly private, other than what he talks about and what we are shown, [side note: not everything that we are shown is necessarily how it is/true, this applies to all 5 boys] Louis is also quite an interesting case, we saw him get progressively quieter as time went on, especially in comparison to how he was in 2010/11, [many fans who believe in Larry attribute this to him being pushed into the closet and having to hide his more ‘flamboyant nature’] or it could be a simple case of all the stress and difficult life events taking its toll, or even [I think it's likely] a combination of all of this. Either way, it has been disheartening to witness.

Zayn has always been the most misunderstood I think. As Zayn himself said, they were all given personas and that has stuck with them from their time in the band, even until this present day I would say, [I wish some would consider this in Liam's case but that's for another post]. If you saw Zayn from 2010/11 he wasn’t particularly ‘mysterious’ or such, in fact, he was quite boisterous and funny if my memory serves me correctly, but again If the management wanted them to have a certain persona they were going to make sure it stuck. Zayn has always kept his private life exactly that, private. Typically in the case of his relationships [I would say this applies to some of Liam's also] but the main times we would hear about Zayn's relationships is if it was to make Zayn out to be a bad guy or to benefit the woman he was dating at the time through PR or some way as such, which is quite telling in itself.

Liam, again, people would think Liam is quite public and we know a lot about him but if you pay close attention, it's not the case at all. We don't know anything other than what we are told by the press or what we see. This is the case for all of them but as we know, from recent videos that Liam has done, there are a lot of other factors at play and a lot of distortion of stories and such that happens that we will never truly understand, we can only look out for it.  [another side note: IMO Liam is the full package he’s got the vocal range, the lyrical range, the melodies the dance moves, the fashion but he got so sabotaged and that pisses me off so much.]  Liam had always been the spokesperson for One Direction whilst in the band. Some people, particularly some groups of ‘fans’ or newer fans think that all his talking about 1D is him ‘trying too hard’ or whatever else to bash him. But the truth is, if you look closer, he never really stopped being the spokesperson for the band. He speaks on all of their solo endeavours, all of their achievements, indulges the nostalgic fans and is the one who most openly shows his support, he still holds the role of the spokesperson, just in a different manner. 

At a point you would seldom hear them talk about their One Direction days, unless you are the spokesperson... [it has become more frequent now], which is understandable as they are now Solo artists and perhaps wanting away from that image, but it is also quite curious in a way. But that is best left for another ramble. However, up until recently, I feel like the boys who have spoken the most about the band have been, in a sense, allocated to speak more on the topic than others [Personally I link this to the Politics comment, I’ll explain a little later on] But I find it interesting as to the different reactions we get from certain groups about each member when they do speak about their time in One Direction. Typically, Harry and Niall are met with positive reactions, with a few exceptions of course. Zayn sits in between, some of it gets regarded with nostalgia, other reactions are positive and hopeful and then the outright negativity too. Louis again sits in the middle. Liam however, you do of course get nostalgia and of course positive reactions from his fans and some OT5 fans. However, this is severely outweighed by the negativity he receives for it from *certain* ‘fans’ and some newer fans and just general people who like to jump on the hate bandwagon [side note: my god I miss 2013/2014 1D Twitter].

I’m not sure how many remember ‘Weed Gate’, how this was in a way at the time ‘damaging’ to the clean image they had and how much shit it was speculated to have caused behind the scenes, involving Zayn and Louis. 

Louis and Zayn take a video doing weed in a car in one of the Peru (where weed isn’t illegal) on tour, there started some articles that make it sound like Zayn was sick or addicted to drugs. I feel like this was also a big player in how things turned out, Zayn took most of the heat from this and from our end it looked like no one did a thing to help. [We don't know what happened BTS]. Particularly interesting from this headline was the reiterating of the ‘squeaky clean image’, not long after this there were articles about 1D not getting along that came out of nowhere, particularly about how Harry was really angry with them and such. Even more interestingly disgustingly, Zayn took on most of the heat from this despite Louis also being in the video. 

Not long after this, Zayn missed some promo interviews and the album release in Orlando because of 'illness’, they get asked on the Today show if it’s actually because of drugs [entirely inappropriate] Liam, [looking pissed] reiterated it was a stomach bug. it would also be poignant to point out that Zayn looked very unwell at the time [I would think this would be regarding the eating disorder he previously mentioned] but many thought and press stated it as being related to drugs. At the time he was also, as he did throughout his time in the band, until this very day in fact, received disgusting prejudice and hate based on his religion and ethnicity. 

To touch lightly on the politics comment: obviously, we won't know the full extent. But if one were to speculate on the matter; we know certain people had been trying to pinch Harry since pretty early on in the band, so it would make sense that some of the comments Zayn made about the contracts make a lot of sense, I feel like it also links well with what Louis said about Harry calling the Hiatus. 

‘Certain people didn’t want to sign contracts,’ This line is so vague, but at the same time, I feel like it could be linked to a number of things. It could have been Harry wanting to leave to go solo. If you believe in Larry and Ziam it could have been a harsher contract regarding keeping them hidden with more shit attached. It could have been regarding the music they make, ridiculous NDA’s or any number of things, the speculation could be endless. However, it further reiterates the point that we can never understand fully what was at play behind the scenes, as much as we would like. But one thing we did see was how the boys went from being seemingly happy, excited and relatively carefree to burdened, exhausted and jaded which is somewhat self-explanatory [fuck 1DHQ]. I was going to add a bit about their images regarding the politics but I believe that is best left for another post.

If you think the boys are free/ ever have been, I’m sorry to burst your bubble but I doubt that has ever been the case, be that within the band or as solo artists. Feel free to check out this post if you require more insight, https://www.tumblr.com/yaz-the-spaz/662781923367747584?source=share. I don't think we could ever understand, nor will we ever know the extent of what the boys were/ have been put through. Hence why they all say they have a special bond because only they understand. I feel as though villainizing any particular member is very harmful, because at the end of the day at the time they were kids doing something so amazing that hadn't really been done on that scale before. What I do find gross is the fact that some refuse to speak up about the unnecessary hate certain groups give to other members [that again is another post entirely]. At the same time, it is important to remember whilst it might seem like other members have more freedom than others, which could be the case, it doesn't mean any of them are entirely free.

I’d say back to my point, but I wasn't particularly trying to make one in this post, this was simply an info/ speculative ramble, you don't have to agree with what has been said. But if you did read through, I’d love to, respectfully, of course, hear your thoughts, and opinions on everything. I will make posts on everything I’ve said requires its own post because I feel as though there is a lot to talk about on a number of topics so they will come in due time. 

At the end of the day, as Zayn [and Liam in the past] said; “You know, we’ve done crazy things with each other and that nobody else in the world will ever understand or have them. Experiences that we've shared.”

But yeah, all in all, it was good to hear Zayn talk about his chickens and describe himself as a chill, funny and loving guy because it's so much more true to him than being painted as mysterious and I love that for him.

#zayn #zayn malik #liam payne #one direction #one diretion ot5 #louis tomlinson #niall horan #ziam #1d #chd #call her daddy zayn

[carpathxanridge]

every once in a while these advice columns come up on my google feed and i read them and get so infuriated by the absence of feminist awareness. she blatantly said it! “earrings are a beautiful way to adorn a little girl (or boy!)” there’s a reason why “or boy” is in parentheses, because it is not a common western cultural practice for the obvious reason that boys are not seen as objects to ADORN in the way that girls are.

“i’m tempted to tell you to defer to your wife as a woman in this situation” despite earlier pretending this isn’t a gendered issue by suggesting baby boys could be similarly adorned in infancy with earrings, she reveals in this bias that this is absolutely about gender. earrings, dresses, makeup, these are all the feminine sphere that it is seen as the mother’s responsibility to guide her daughter in. of course her impulse would be to dismiss this man’s skepticism as ignorance to how girls should be raised. doesn’t he know this is a common cultural practice? but in fact, this is a rare case where a man’s separation from the feminine sphere gives him insight into a pretty obviously backwards cultural practice—of COURSE piercing a toddler’s ears is about “satisfying” the parents’ desires over respecting the child’s agency, and the hypothetic of tattooing a child while hyperbolic is appropriate in that both would needlessly inflict pain for aesthetic purposes. not to say that this father’s objection is feminist, but he’s able to see this situation much more plainly than a woman whose kneejerk reaction is to defend a practice that was done to her, which she goes on to inflict on her own daughter.

“i’ve never heard of a person who had it done and resented it.” perhaps that’s because piercing a baby girl’s ears is one action of many that grooms her into femininity, which most girls don’t grow up to reject in a patriarchal society. women generally don’t like to confront how they were socialized and had their agency undermined by their own parents, feminist consciousness is uncomfortable. while i can’t speak from experience, as someone whose ears weren’t pierced in infancy, i can say i APPRECIATE my mother did not do this to me and gave me a choice. i think i would have ultimately resented her otherwise and am sure there are many gnc girls who share that sentiment. and even though i WAS scared when i chose to get my ears pierced as a girl (after peer pressure), i will always be thankful to my mother that she didn’t force femininity on me in this barbaric way. it may be a small symbol, a moment that doesn’t remain in a girl’s conscious memory, but it’s important for what it represents.

“it can be scarier for a young kid to face a piercing needle than a toddler who wouldn’t realize what’s happening.” but do toddlers not feel pain? when is it ever justifiable to inflict pain on a child for aesthetic reasons, even if only for a moment?

and her conclusion: it isn’t that deep so just concede, there’s no real downside. i despise this attitude that cultural practices don’t have meaning outside of their immediate impact. what happened to matters of principal? girlhood is enduring countless moments of minimal harm and little immediate consequence but which inflict great representative harm and consequence in their cumulative impact on a girl’s psyche. being critical of these moments shouldn’t be seen as overly principled or pedantic, and in fact recognizing these moments is the first step in forming feminist consciousness.

#my post

[tamelee]

Hi Nonee, if I’m not mistaken, these all come from the same person as it is partly in response to >this< (?). In case it’s not, I separated them. 

No, I think you misunderstood a few things.

I said I didn’t expect to find good female representation/empowerment in a story like Naruto. (Or frankly, Shonen in general.) That finding that in media overall (especially lately) is already a struggle, meaning I TOO want them to exist (more). And that a character can inspire me, which has everything to do with the story and the quality of the characters, not their gender. I disagree with the notion there that you’d have to share someone’s gender to be able to relate about something. Sure, it depends on what it is, but then that's very gender-specific. I already said it was a broad subject, hence why I kept it specific. Saying what all men do or think about something is a very large generalization, same for dudebro’s with Sakura/Hinata. It doesn’t help anyone tbh and it has nothing to do with my own view on it. There are plenty of people whom aren’t female, that share our desire for better female characters and they are found easily if you wanted to. People who criticize such characters BECAUSE of the desire for better. Look at a few dudebro’s reacting to ‘Naruto’ the anime and you’ll realize that most start hating on Sakura for example not because of reasons you stated, but because she did/said something unhinged which simply makes her unlikable and certainly don’t want her together with their fav. And in my own personal experiences, it were especially the female viewers (even among friends) who kept excusing unlikable behavior until it became impossible. So, it really depends. Even the women that criticize Sakura/Hinata online get labeled as misogynists when we both know that isn’t true. That doesn’t mean that there might be a few who are. How is that different for men? And with that, personal bias about how they should be represented will always exist as that’s just a normal human thing.

You say you were like me once and then had this realization where you chose to become strict about female characters as it is only fair since “they” (men) are strict about female characters too. Is it then really your personal view or is it only based on what you think others believe? Just because a character can inspire me, doesn’t mean that I’m not strict about female representation in media, especially when it claims it has just that. You can have both if you want and it has nothing to do with “them”, or anyone else tbh. I think that’s just being fair to yourself and how you feel about something.

2. Ehh, I don’t really agree with you on Misa there.. I already shared my points about Kishimoto, but Shonen Jump editors often want stories to include elements to structure a story in a way that can bring them the most success. They know what their readers like to read and guide a lot of the (new) Mangaka through those ideas for a story with characters that are better translated to such a targeted audience. You can read plenty of books about it or find other resources if you were interested in Manga. I think, saying that everything in it represents how a Mangaka feels about something is very much a stretch. It is often about an author to spread a message and challenge the truth of that in their fictional world through different kind of characters. It isn’t for nothing that even Kishimoto had to fight them about things he wanted.

3. ... sounds to me like you really didn’t get it at all. I have a feeling I know exactly what kind of posts you’ve been reading and from which kinds of blogs to come up with these conclusions :’) Read the Manga (again). 4. Sasuke gets hated on for plenty of dumb reasons, but it is mostly because some have little understanding for his situation which leads them to blame him for lashing out, instead criticizing the characters that are the cause for not just his own trauma, but also the source of most hatred within their world. Something that just became worse throughout their history and Sasuke desperately wanted to change. They don’t see Sasuke is hurting because he rarely shows it in order to reach his goals. It isn’t just anger, he’s in pain. Hm, well, even his own fans don't really acknowledge his internal conflicts tbh, seeing him exactly as the character people hate him for :’) It’s so contradicting. Even though Kishimoto showed Sasuke symbolizing certain feminine energies, I don’t think that is the main reason why he gets hate.

#asktamelee #naruto talk

[gendercensus]

On why I cannot categorise identity checkboxes in the annual survey

@iamthelowercase reblogged the post Shaking up the checkbox system with some comments, and I do want to respond, but this is a can of worms, and my original post is so long that reblogging it is a bit impractical! So, I’ll make a new post instead.

~

The first thing is that based on the chart you shared with this post, demigender has kind of a spoiler effect. It falls very low in the checkbox effect change, but very high in the percentage of responses – clearly that mattered to a good number of people.

So my intuition is that demigender should stay in the list, even though it looks to me like it has a low “checkbox effect” number. But I’m also working from incomplete data there. Maybe if I looked at the charts summarizing all the data from several years, I’d find that it’s not significant anymore.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable making an exception for one term and keeping it in the list based on statistics that are six years old.

The whole point of having a rule, after all, is to avoid bias by treating some terms differently. If I’m going to make exceptions for terms, I need to have a truly spectacular, undeniable reason to do so - and I do make exceptions, and it’s usually unrelated to the popularity of the terms. As examples, the two terms that have to be in the list no matter what are not actually genders at all - they’re “I don’t describe my gender” and “questioning/unknown”. Basically, every question needs to have “none of the above” and “unknown” answer options!

Plus, I’m not sure but I suspect that the pre-checkbox % is so high for that one because I had only just learned a really good way to start counting textbox entries with inconsistent characters. 2015 was only the second ever gender census survey, after all. It’s probably possible to go back to the 2013 data with the skills I have now and investigate to find out if demigender should have been added to the checkbox list sooner, but that sounds exhausting and back then the sample size was much smaller. (2,000 responses! Adorable.)

~

The second thing is, have you given any thought to weighting the checkboxes towards “umbrella” terms. Like having a checkbox for “trans”/“trans*” but not “trans man” or “trans woman”, or for “demigender” but not for “demiboy” or “demigirl”.

I had this gut reaction “OH NO” recoil to the idea of me weighting checkboxes, oh my goodness. I will now write way too many words explaining why. :D

That would put me in the position of having to choose which terms are umbrella terms, which I can’t really do. When I say I can’t do it, I mean in a practical sense, but also in an... ethical sense? It’s hard to describe, so I’ll waffle about it in the hope that my intent becomes clearer.

Practical: As an example, on simple forms I’ll say my gender is nonbinary, because it’s easier and most people know what that means, and in my case I would consider that an umbrella term. But that implies that I have a gender, right? I actually feel that I don’t have a gender at all, and I call that “agender” because that’s the first word I bumped into that means “doesn’t have a gender”. But some agender people recognise that they [do/want to] move through the world as men, and call themselves “agender men”. Is agender an umbrella term or not? Some nonbinary people only call themselves nonbinary, and feel that that is a word that directly describes their gender. Is nonbinary an umbrella term or not?

Ethical (?): I am in the business of documenting and counting identity terms for people’s experiences of their own genders and the way they would like to be described (and rambling about their popularity), but if I start categorising those terms I am veering dangerously into the realm of determining/ascribing meaning, which is a very different thing entirely and therefore outside of the scope of the survey.

If I did decide to start categorising identity terms by meaning and having a section for umbrella terms, how would I do that? As we see in the practical section above, it’s not necessarily clear-cut or, ha, binary.

Judgement call. In the “cheap/fast/good” triangle of which you can only have two, this is cheap and fast, but not good. I could eyeball it based on my own personal experience, which I try to avoid doing because I have a limited perspective and I frequently make assumptions that are incorrect. (See the recent polls I ran on Twitter that completely decimated my iron-clad knowledge that butch and femme are obviously and universally opposites of each other and anyone who thinks of those terms in another way is wrong!)

Decision based on statistics. In the “cheap/fast/good” triangle of which you can only have two, this is somehow only good, because it is neither cheap (in energy expenditure) nor fast. I could run a special survey - and I would have to do it every year because meaning changes over time - that determines whether or not each term that made the list is an umbrella term, and choose an arbitrary line to divide terms into Umbrella and Not Umbrella, based on the results of that special survey. First of all that sounds exhausting, but second, how would that survey be designed in such a way that participants were not accidentally led by the design? How should I word the question? “Is this an umbrella term” is leading, so “choose the statement that is most true from the following options” is preferable, but what should the radio button for Not Umbrella be called? Because “Not Umbrella” is also leading. And I’d need to include an “it depends” option because it does depend on the context - and what if 95% of respondents choose “it depends”? Would I then need three categories of terms in the survey? And this is only the start of the design questions, I’m sure I would run into many more.

As you can see, I have learned that the researcher’s responsibility and work to remove their own ego from the research is never-ending!

And then, on choosing which words to remove:

having a checkbox ... for “demigender” but not for “demiboy” or “demigirl”

When I do stuff like that, people say things like “I’m a demiboy but not demigender” etc. in textboxes so much that it affects the quality of the data very badly. (E.g. I had to separate “man/boy” into “man” and “boy” because so many people ignored the “man/boy” checkbox and typed in a unique way of saying “I’m a boy but not a man actually” and that, like, broke the data.)

The reason words are added to the checkbox list is because people need to check the box! People have painstakingly typed in words that fit them even though there is a checkbox in the list that already sort of almost fits, and when 1% of people do that it’s kind of a big deal. Arbitrarily removing words that already have close-ish meanings in the checkbox list is shaped by my own perception of the meanings of those words, and that’s me wayyyy overstepping. In the past when I’ve done it I thought I was making an obvious choice using common sense, but it turns out that’s not universal, which was a humbling experience.

~

This has been a ramble, but I hope it helps you and others understand my motivations and responsibilities, and I hope it is interesting or thought-provoking or something! Also, I’ve had a lot of suggestions in the consultation and in the ask box about categorising words to make them easier to go through, and it’s a much bigger explanation/topic than most people realise, so I think a response to those was a good idea so that I can refer back to it later.

#meta #identity #meaning #lexicography #iamthelowercase #just in case iamthelowercase is tracking the tag of their username?? #i find Tumblr username tag notifications to be very unreliable so

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

re: your posts about the SATs and teaching “passion” - admittedly my perspective is very different (i’m australian and in early childhood education, so only kids 0-5), but at least here developing passions for literacy and positive dispositions for and Enjoyment of learning in general are seen as essential building blocks for getting children engaged in life long learning. not just tangentially, it’s in our national curriculum. if you get kids interested they’ll want to continue to learn, basically. is that something you think becomes less relevant as they age/enter the k-12 system? i’m sorry if this sounds rude, i’m genuinely curious and my expertise doesn’t extend that far

it doesn't sound rude! & i don't know that i would consider myself as having "expertise" in this domain, lol. but basically - i mean, real early childhood, i can't speak to at all except like, yeah, don't teach 4 year olds to read, that seems counterproductive based on the research about what kinds of longterm effects preschool can actually have, for example. (i don't have a firm opinion on the right age to start teaching kids to read and it's something i wish there were more research on, since it varies to some degree by country.)

but generally, the mentality you describe is also very common among teachers in the US, and was a major part of the kind of content i encountered both in my coursework for my master's degree (childhood education, grades 1-6 here - ages 6-12 or so, depending on school/district cut-off dates) and in professional circles when i was teaching. and what i have come to think based on my own professional experiences in the classroom & now as a tutor is that, from pretty early on, it's missing a crucial piece, which is that it sucks to do something you are bad at that is hard, and no amount of a generalized "love of learning" is going to make up for that.

to illustrate a bit with reading, since it is arguably the most important thing that happens in schools and definitely the one where i've thought about this the most: a very popular literacy model in the states has as a major focus, from first grade or even kindergarten onwards, kids spending time doing daily independent reading with books of their choosing. the idea is, they're getting reading practice, and they're also developing their love of reading by reading things they are interested in, selecting their own books, making their own goals, etc. it sounds really nice. it feels really nice, to be honest, in a classroom, if you are just seeing a bunch of kids with their noses in books they chose. and it is pretty nice.... for the kids who are good at reading. for the kids who are not natural readers, it amounts to 10-30 minutes a day (or more!) passing their eyes over text they don't understand. and what i saw when i was working in private elementary schools was that teachers would say, independent reading is so important to how they learn, kids learn to read by reading (this is not true) - and then for all the kids that wasn't true of, well: they have some attention issues, maybe there's some processing stuff going on, they need more support, they need to meet with the literacy specialist, we should recommend tutoring.... etc. it was pure confirmation bias: this works for all the kids it's working for, ergo, it works. the kids it doesn't work for? well, that must be because there's something wrong with them. (and, i mean, sure, sometimes. but... not always!)

the reality is: it simply doesn't matter how curious, how interested, how passionate, how enthusiastic you are as a reader or a learner. you can't get much out of a book if you cannot (1) accurately and automatically decode the words on the page (2) parse the meanings of those sentences those words combine to make. i have actually met kids - this is fascinating to me - who are self-professed reading lovers, who talked about how much they loved books, and who were absolutely fucking lost as readers. you ask them about what they read, and it's as if they sort of picked up a collection of words and phrases from the page and have been filling in their own story as they make their way through the text, WILDLY disconnected from what the book actually says. you ask them basic factual questions about something they literally just read, and they can't answer. and like, they love reading! they read all the time! but they're not actually "reading" the way we think of reading as adults who are proficient readers. they are, in my best hypothesis, making word noises in their heads and making up a movie to go along with them.

and then there are the ones who don't love reading - the ones who may or may not be more aware of their own deficiencies as readers, but who are definitely not engaging in the fake-reading game of make-believe as the kids described above are. reading time comes and they need to go to the bathroom, they need water, they need a tissue, they get told they're not allowed to stand up anymore so they try to pretend to read kind of and zone out and stare into space. the Build A Love Of Reading Crowd looks at those kids and says: how can we engage them? what topics are they interested in? what kind of books might they like? have they tried graphic novels? [sorry to the tattooed children's librarians of the world btw but: graphic novels aren't reading. they're great! a wonderful art form! worth being celebrated! but they are not "supportive" for struggling readers, they are a more pleasant way to spend time than looking at books full of words they don't know and zero pictures, and also an easier thing to convince teachers they have understood without actually necessarily having understood any of the words on the page. they have no place during classroom time specifically intended to increase children's proficiency with comprehending text.] but there is no book in the world interesting enough to be fun to read if you CAN'T FUCKING READ IT. those kids don't dislike reading because they haven't Found The Right Book, or because they don't Love Learning enough. they dislike reading for the same reason i don't go around watching japanese movies without subtitles: it defeats the purpose of engaging with a story if you have no idea what the fuck is going on! and these kids are not going to get better by Not Reading any more than i am going to become fluent in japanese watching unsubtitled japanese films. like... they are not. i am frankly too lazy to look up citations on this but this is as far as i can tell as known as anything in education is.

this applies elsewhere, too, IMO. at the last school i worked at the math specialist thought i was overreacting when i told her i was stressed about my third graders' addition & subtraction skills, because she was very big on Passion For Math, and i said something like, but i feel like actually it's hard to develop a passion for math when you're constantly doing things the very onerous way because you haven't had time dedicated to building your fluency with those skills, and also in addition to things being onerous, which is not fun and which means you are missing out of the satisfaction of efficiency that is what math nerds get off on, you don't even reliably get the satisfaction of working hard at a problem and finding the answer, because your methods are so cumbersome and your number sense is so weak that you are constantly making calculation errors, so you are actually usually wrong. and she was basically like, "i think you're projecting." but like, a couple months and 6 billion math games / context-based explorations / number talks / gallery walks / blah blah blah progressive math ideal activities later... the kids who sucked at basic arithmetic still sucked at basic arithmetic, were not creative problem solvers, AND ALSO they fucking hated math. because math is NOT FUN if your mental math map has not developed to the point where you can really see the connections happening in the things that you are doing. (lmao. one time one of my math strugglers was doing really well on multiplication and i said something about how she'd been working hard because she could get really down on herself - because doing something you suck at all the time without being given the tools & experiences it would take for you to get better at it can be psychologically draining - and she very frustratedly was like "well i MEMORIZED my multiplication facts because none of the other strategies worked for me!" [because it's fucking hard to deploy non-memorization-based multiplication strategies if you cannot reliably add a single digit number to a two-digit number - something else the math specialist told me was just my assumptions and not actually true. this woman got paid so much more than i did to be so fucking dumb.] iconic of her in retrospect.)

anyway. i could rant about this quite literally for hours and frequently have. but basically i think that emphasizing a love of learning has things backwards. if i were to sum up my stance concisely (lmao), it would be: you don't enjoy learning stuff because you Love Learning. you fall in love with stuff because you learn it. and, also, sometimes stuff is fucking boring but you should still probably learn it. i hated every fucking second i spent in tenth grade chemistry, but i think it's probably good that i like, know what an atom is, and how chemical bonds work, not well enough to talk about them meaningfully but well enough that if i'm reading something where suddenly they're relevant i'm like "oh yeah, that." and, also-also, i really think adults (teachers and also parents) often misdiagnose as "boredom" due to lack of interest what is actually a squirrelly inarticulate resistance to doing something that is hard.

oh and okay one more thing which is that - speaking as a first grade teacher, teaching the basics is fucking hard, and learning the basics, for many students, is fucking hard. i really think a lot of teachers who love to Inspire on some level think that the basics are somehow beneath them or their kids - you see this disdain for like, basic factual comprehension, this emphasis (including in like third grade) on rushing kids to get to these Big Deep Ideas. and what happens is that they just literally don't stop to check that the basics are actually happening for everyone. at the last school i worked at we sometimes hired this outside literacy consultant to do professional development with us who had like cowritten a book on reading strategies and whatever. and one time [i was not there for this but heard the story from a reliable witness] she modeled for the third grade team a little mini-conference with a student during independent reading where she asked the kid about the book she was reading and they had a convo about it and set some goals and whatever. and then she sent the kid away and started debriefing with the teachers, identifying all the Great Strategies she had been using and the how she'd been attending to character and setting and plot and blah blah blah. and then the in-school literacy specialist, who had actually read the book the kid was reading, had to be like, "so i've actually read this book, and the kid has no idea what's going on." and, like, if she hadn't done this, this self-styled expert, who is charging i can't even imagine how much to go do this shit all the time in schools, would literally have had no idea that all the stuff she praised the kid for was MADE UP AND FAKE AND INACCURATE AND WRONG. like she just literally would not have known that the stuff she said was good actually was bad. because, like, what does she care? she's not here to merely get kids to "understand" the "literal words" on the "actual page." she wants them to have Agency and set their own Goals and Self-Assess and Trace The Arc Of A Character and blah blah blah. and like the number one reason above all that now when i see that kind of shit my immediate reaction is BARF!!! - is that i have consistently seen teachers convince themselves it matters to the exclusion of, like, doing stuff that would actually teach kids how to literally read the words and understand the sentences in front of them. like they think they are doing such a good job because the kids love reading and they love talking about books and they are so excited. and the kids are not learning to read. and that sucks because reading is great and i do think everyone should learn how to read, and not be stuck with a movie where the sound keeps cutting out.

i am as i said too lazy to look for sources but if you want some more stuff relevant to this topic: this new yorker article i linked fucking owns, this series by emily hanford (which very obviously informs the new yorker article) gets into some more of the nitty gritty regarding what we know about how reading actually happens, and timothy shanahan's blog is a great resource for anyone interested in pedagogy stuff and was like almost singlehandedly responsible for the beginning of my crisis of conscience because of one of is posts about how independent reading is a waste of time, which is like the SPICIEST fucking take in ed world and i spent like weeks having a nervous breakdown about it because it was so shocking and so contrary to everything i had ever learned but he was also like, obviously correct.

#askbox

[mydaroga]

Initial Thoughts on Hunter Davies’ The Beatles

I am thinking about posting quotes/notes I kept while reading, for my own edification if nothing else, but for now, here’s a few thoughts on the book as a whole. 

I really liked it. But I’ll cut for length in case you don’t care why!

I know John said, later, that it was sanitized and ‘fake’ and all the rest, but I think his opinion was colored by several things: the fact they did deliberately suppress several facts about his family as well as Brian’s sexuality, as well as his general turn against that whole period. I understand why he felt this way, and he’s a right to, as it’s his life and he’s close to it. But that was not my experience of the book at all. I don’t agree with all of Davies’ opinions, but I think his attempt is honest and as forthright as it can be given the requests made of him. I do think he knows these men as well as one could given the parameters, and his observations and insights are interesting. Indeed, far more illuminating than Norman’s Shout!, which is the first bio I read and full of unspoken bias and facts that have since been debunked.

One of the redeeming features of this book is that, in the forward and afterward(s), Hunter takes pains to illustrate where he went wrong and why, while also arguing the case as to why he left the bulk of the book intact upon further printing. I think this makes it a really valuable historical document--he says outright that he got things wrong, so it is unfortunate if, say, people keep using him as a source to say John was born during an air raid, but he’s also honest about it left as is, we still have a record about where future inaccuracies come from. 

The book also says a lot, inadvertently, about Beatles fandom and study, in that it reads unlike any other bio I’ve read. It’s not at all a fan mag, glossy hagiography. But at the same time, it’s got some of the breezy tone missing from ‘serious’ scholarship. It doesn’t know what it is, yet, because while I’m not an expert on 60s pop biography I don’t think this thing existed yet, in full form. I think Davies is creating something, maybe not by himself, but as part of a cultural movement where celebrity is changing and stars are becoming more than flash in the pan style makers. They are becoming public figures we look to and study, worthy of that distinction or not. And Davies is trying to split the difference between hot off the presses celebrity hype and being a book of historical record. And I think that’s why the style reads strangely, to me. Because he knows, somewhere deep down, that this is Actually Important, but there doesn’t yet exist a cultural format for that. Elvis was also Important, as was Sinatra or whomever, but I’m not sure anyone knew how to write about that yet. I think it’s part of a shift in our culture, and it reflects that.

I also think it’s a great picture of where the Beatles were at that time, of what they were going through in those months just before it started to go bad, and in that sense it’s also invaluable. As Davies says, he had no idea what was coming, but when you read it now, you can see the cracks. So as a total bio of the band, obviously it’s lacking. But as a document of what it must have felt like before you realized it was falling apart, it’s essential. Maybe no one’s saying everything they’re thinking or feeling, maybe certain prurient details are left out, but this is by no means scraped clean of their rougher edges. They curse, they admit bad behavior, John is already saying everything’s a fraud, Cynthia’s admitting they wouldn’t be married if it hadn’t been for Julian. This isn’t the glossed over Beatles at all--it’s just the Beatles before they, or we, knew the full story. And that makes it, along with Love Me Do by Michael Braun, actually unlike any other book out there.

Any thoughts?

#like i said i might post my notes/quotes i kept #but i have been very lazy lately so i wanted to get this out there while i had the will #the beatles #beatles books #kris reads hunter davies #hunter davies #kris talks a lot

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

New Taskmaster episode did not disappoint. I watched it with my girlfriend, and she says “someone should bring in a dildo for that” on about 10% of all prize tasks from any season, so she was, of course, very pleased with Sarah Millican, as was I. Here are some thoughts I have that are not about dildos:

- You know how sometimes someone who’s quite famous outside Taskmaster will go on the show, and we expect them to be one thing because we know them pretty well, and then they end up completely different (classic example being Victoria Coren Mitchell, obviously)? What I’m getting based on one episode is that Dara O’Briain is the anti-that. Dara is O’Briain is exactly what I expected. Competitive, argumentative, a little befuddled at times but insists on styling it out and trying to cover up any stumbles, throws himself right into everything. That is Dara. I also enjoyed the little reference to Lee Mack, when Greg says this isn’t the first time someone has come on the show because their kids like it and been competitive because they want to impress their kids, and then have their kids lose respect for them every time they fuck things up.

- I expected to like Munya, I was looking forward to seeing Munya, I mainly know him from Frankie Boyle’s New World Order but I’ve also seen some of his videos on YouTube and the quick turnaround time on them makes me think he was born to play Taskmaster. And still, in episode one he blew past my high expectations. The Zimbabwe stories, where I have a feeling the sense that we can’t tell whether or not it’s true will be a running theme (that sort of thing is familiar to me, as I coach a bunch of athletes who come from the Middle East, and sometimes they’ll tell me stories about riding camels back when they lived in Egypt or whatever, and I cannot tell if they’re joking no matter how far they take it). The poise and quick thinking in the painting task. The whole attitude in the studio was so enjoyable to watch. The confidence in the live task. The asking John Kearns to hold his hand for reasons I could absolutely not work out. It is so hard to pick any one favourite of these people but he is up there.

- When it comes to Fern Brady, obviously I’m biased by the fact that I am a human with a sexual orientation that includes women, and that is the only criterion required for me to immediately take notice whenever Fern Brady is on the screen. But I’m pretty sure that even if I took out all my bias that comes from finding her very very attractive, I would still find her absolutely fucking amazing. The way she can somehow do “self-assured” and “about to fall apart” at exactly the same time is captivating, because I don’t know how she manages it. The way she can combine “fuck it, I don’t care” with trying really hard. The things she finds funny. The directions her mind goes, and it often gets there quicker than other people’s. I enjoy watching Fern Brady do anything, and I am so pleased that I get to watch her do Taskmaster.

- I mean, what is there to say about Sarah Millican? Ed Gamble said on the podcast that on reputation alone she’s almost more formidable than Dara, and I see his point. I would try to fuck with Dara O’Briain before I’d try to fuck with Sarah Millican. The voice of experience, she’s sure about everything she understands and doesn’t mind about everything she doesn’t. She knows exactly what is funny when it comes from her, and plays to that every time she opens her mouth. Her sort of “aunt-recently adopted nephew” dynamic with Munya is awesome. She’s just having a good time, an absolute delight. Also, she brought a dildo to the first episode.

- John Kearns was the one I didn’t know before this; I vaguely know what Guessable is but I’ve never seen it, and I remember him from the character act he did on Catsdown that people on the internet insist is very funny in his own comedy routines, but all I know is it doesn’t work as a dictionary corner bit. I’m still not quite sure what to make of him, mostly, but I’m pretty sure whatever his schtick is I find it funny. The sort of understated, pause for a moment before responding to or laughing at things, stare blankly when presented with something strange, explain everything he does as though it makes sense... by the end of the episode I was starting to catch on to how it works and it was making me laugh. I’m pleased that I get more episodes to get to know this guy.

[talkethtothehandeth]

hi, i hope it's okay for me to bring up something in your carrd to warn you about. it's a really bad idea to put the usa suicide hotline up as a resource because i and other mentally ill people have been hurt by it. anyone who reaches out for help will be very unpleasantly surprised by the operator actually sending the cops to your house despite not seemingly intending to in order to "make sure" you go to the hospital just for contemplating thoughts of self-harm alone. we have been traumatized by being kept at wards involuntarily, especially wrt the painfully unsafe and uncomfortable furniture, as well as abusive staff who punish(ed) us for being scared and wanting help... or, y'know, actual treatment. maybe this is just me and my bias as an anti-psych activist but i'm speaking from my own, as well as others', experiences (and i can only imagine how physically disabled people are treated with disrespect). also, i apologize but i don't have any good alternatives to replace the link with instead, so i hope you don't discard my criticism. i simply don't want this to happen to anyone else who might wish to reach out through your well-intentioned advice. please take this message in good faith and have a good night.

TW suicide/suicidal ideation

Howdy!

You’re absolutely not overstepping by sharing this and the negative experiences/feelings you have regarding the subject of using a hotline. Though my blog focuses more on physical disabilities, I am diagnosed with multiple mental disorders that aren’t my autism and adhd, including bipolar type two, anxiety— which might be OCD, and a different personality disorder which I don’t talk about much due to demonization and stigmatization of it, it also isn’t something I’ve fully accepted myself, but that’s another post. I hear you and recognize the harm that psychiatrists/institutions have inflicted on people. I also am aware that these resources, regardless of the negative aspects (which, let’s be honest, there are a lot) are some of the only options that people have.

My psychiatrist/therapist’s [I’m forgetting the exact word for the building] has a crisis line, and the second thing I was told when the number was given to me, the number that can be reached whenever, was that if they think I’m in immediate danger, they would send the police to my house. I’ve come very close to getting into a ward, but I’ve never been forced into one. I am incredibly thankful for that as I know I probably wouldn’t receive adequate pain care there, but just because I haven’t been forced into one doesn’t mean that others haven’t, as you said.

I’ve kept it there because it should be an option still, I’ve had to call multiple times before and I’ve had some good interactions and some not good interactions, I am scared that they will do the same, which is allowing cops into a situation they are not adequately trained for. However, through this, I know that this hotline has still helped people, and has the crisis text line. I don’t want to take it away, but I think I should try to figure out a way to like, explain the potential risks. Everyone is allowed to make the choice for themselves about whether they want to seek outside help in order to aid in their times of distress. I text the crisis line, but many a times, especially during the late nights, they do not answer. Some of them are not helpful, but others are and it’s at times enough to just talk about things. I tell people I have suicidal thoughts, but not a plan, because no matter how much my brain tries to convince me I want to be dead, I understand that this is part of my disorder. There have been times when I’ve tried to take my life, too.

I hear you, and do not devalue your criticism based on your personal experiences, or the experiences of others. It seems to be a “hit or miss” kind of thing when it comes to psychiatric care, and I feel it is similar to us who are also physically disabled. Even though I’ve had some very bad experiences and have been mistreated (to say the absolute least) I’ve still found physicians and nurses who do treat their patients with dignity and respect. And just because I’ve had a few good experiences, it doesn’t mean that suddenly my medical trauma is wiped away.

It is saddening to know how rare it is to have these good encounters, especially with someone whose job it is to help care for something as significant as mental illness. And I feel the same for doctors being horrible about physical disabilities. Additionally, and rewording what I mentioned just in the other paragraph, these options should still exist for people to have the choice of pursuing a hotline, a doctor, or any sort of health care treatment. They can decide if they want to try, just as others can decide that it isn’t for them, whether it be from personal or outside experiences.

My page is welcome to criticism, I keep my anon and messaging open that way those who want to say something can. The one and only time I dismiss “critics” is when people send in nasty messages (like suicide bait). You are not wrong or bad for defending/supporting your position, and I never will take away the validity of other’s experiences just because mine have been different.

TL;DR: I absolutely agree that the mental health field is not as it should be, I agree it can be just as rotten and misguided (those are understatements) or even worse than how doctors who treat physically disabled patients. However, I do believe that keeping these resources can also be beneficial to a person, who is ultimately making a decision whether or not to utilize what is available. I do not support the incorporation of police in mental health situations, and I firmly believe that improper psychiatric care, just as physical care, can be detrimental to people. I understand the negative impacts, and as you mentioned, you (generalized) don’t have a good alternative. Until I am able to find one, I keep this in my carrd.

#I hope this made sense? #asks #anon #thank you for reaching out/gen #I value your opinion and your experiences and never ever will think less of someone being distrusting of the system #mental illness #bipolar 2 #bpd #anxiety #tw suicide mention

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Hi, I’m going around asking this to multiple people, please let me know your honest opinion! :)

How would you and/or other writers feel about someone reposting someone’s work with new pronouns and body specifications? Giving full credit, of course.

This sounds bad, let me explain it better..

Example: Someone has written a story with a female reader, and it’s absolutely wonderful, but very unfortunate to all the male readers who would also like to experience it (and vice versa).

Now, hypothetically, someone else comes along and “takes” their work, and changes the pronouns and gender specifications, to fit the opposite gender (or make it gender neutral). I wanna make sure that with this, the original writer would get full credit, they would be tagged and everything, so that the person reading the changed work would know who made it and whose work it is.

The work is the same, and the original writer gets all the credit, but more people can enjoy said work.

Do you think that this is ok? From as many perspectives as possible.

Thank you for taking the time to answer, it’s very appreciated, have a nice day/night. :)

Hey there.

So I totally understand how isolating it can be in fandoms to see really good work/writing specifically but have it catered to an audience that is not reflective of your experience. But reposting someone’s written work with just the pronouns changed, even with credit attached, is personally not something I would be cool with. I do not encourage you to do this.

You are still taking someone else’s work. If you want more male readers or male OCs, I’d encourage you to request from people or if you want, you can try your hand at writing a few short pieces.

The goal may be to be inclusive but this may not be the best way to go about it. I also feel like this action begs a larger question, if someone published this as a book would you go and copy word for word this story and just change out the pronouns? Like sure maybe the fic is second person (and if it is then the author I think has the responsibility to label it as a female reader or femme reader) but like just level with me—if you read a really good novel I don’t think you’d go word for word and change the pronouns. Just because it is fanfiction doesn’t mean that work isn’t due the same respect.

I know fics get reposted and stolen and that’s never fun. But as a writer, if someone really enjoyed my work, I’m thrilled but don’t repost it please. Personally, I’d rather you come to me and ask if I’d consider a male reader insert in a similar vein or something else. This is under the understanding that I do take requests and I am comfortable writing outside of my own race/gender. I understand that writing a reader insert fic is more than just the “you” in the story. Not everyone is a woman, not everyone is white, not everyone is short or blond or has long hair or is a male or is buff or is skinny and I really do want to writers on various platforms to understand what ‘defaults’ and bias they have in the own work so spaces can exist for everyone. So we can have real dialogues on how to make fandom spaces inclusive. But I think there are better ways. Much better ways than this. 

Fanfiction is shared with fandoms out of good faith and while I really do think fandom spaces get flooded in various ways (a lot of female centric written content as an example) I think it’s also good praxis to understand that this content is shared for free. There are ways to find and even ask for the kind of content you want to see.

Request from writers (be sure to ask if they’re comfortable first). Hell even ask the writer themselves if they’d consider your idea of changing the pronouns. It might be a stretch. You might get told no but at least you tried something. Try your hand at your own stuff. Get recommendations from others. But please do not repost that work.

-H

#asks #answered #anon

[padfootastic]

okay this is starting out re: your sex post, but it veers to the left halfway through and then you’re just being subjected to some of my musings about people offering their Opinions™️ about fics.

it’s so interesting that you mentioned in your tags that no one ever criticizes the non-sexual methods of building tension because as someone who doesn’t usually write about sex I swear I get it ALL the time. (eg “why can’t the boys just learn to communicate???” idk, anon, they’re 19 years old and only one of them has ever been to a therapist, you tell me)

I’d agree that sexual activity in fics is definitely more heavily scrutinized than non-sexual aspects, but I also think it’s funny that anonymous askers/readers/bookmarkers feel the need to offer their two sense about why x/y/z is inaccurate/ridiculous/annoying when many fic writers draw on their own lives for experience.

As an example, I’ve had a few people mention in notes on amicus curiae that they think Remus is being ridiculous for disliking Sirius as much as he does, but I cannot tell you how much of my own proclivity for ‘righteous anger’ Remus’ behavior is based in. He’s mad from the start because someone seemingly invalidated the accommodations that he/other disabled students may need during the school year, and honestly, I’ve seen myself hold on to far more foolish reasons for anger than that. I’d originally typed up a longer story as an example, but I’m sure you can think of some yourself so I won’t subject you to it lol

Anyway. I tend to assume that most of the human aspects of a work that I’m reading are in some way based on the author’s personal experiences—whether that be relational interactions, sexual encounters, tragedy—and try to look through that lens when I’m reading and commenting as a result. That’s probably not the norm, but it’s always been funny to me how many folks feel the need to provide the author with an itemized list of what’s wrong with their fic instead of just being like… hm, maybe this wasn’t for me and moving on.

I’m not usually someone who spends a lot of time thinking about reading/writing about sex for a number of reasons, but I can still appreciate that I have friends who write it well—and even more importantly, I can appreciate those things and make the choice not to read them if I think they’d made me uncomfortable, although DLDR doesn’t seem to be as widely accepted now as it was ten years ago (but that could be my bias talking).

Anyway (part two!) I’m with you on the sex front there—it can absolutely be a wonderful component of fics, whether it’s used in a significant way or just…used because a character wants to have a fun night and hook up with someone. It’s human! It’s normal! It should be just as acceptable as non-sexual scenes!

ngl miss andie i was so confused at first like ‘me? making a sex post? did i accidentally cross post??’ lmao

you bring up a great point here tbh. i’ve been *fingers crossed* lucky so far to only get the loveliest readers and haven’t had to deal with that kind of entitlement/sanctimonious attitude but comment lurking is one of my favorite activities so i’ve definitely seen it in other content creators’ spaces. in fact, the ‘this is so unrealistic/no one acts like this irl’ etc always gets me riled up because,,,,have these commenters never interacted with a real human?? people are complex and messy and imperfect and so, so problematic. they will do the stupidest shit for no reason other than they’re able to, and it doesn’t always make sense either (more than once, i’ve tried to look for my glasses while literally wearing them). i tend to do something similar tbh. assume that the author is pulling it out of somewhere, and even in the even they’re not, it’s fiction and it doesn’t have to make sense ykno? fanfiction is supposed to be fun and self indulgent; how does it matter if one character is being ridiculous or not?

(that being said tho, i was being v surface level in my tags lol. i didn’t exactly mean to include all ways of building tension bc every story needs some conflict, right? but i’ve seen this opinion a lot (for movies/shows/books) that sex is somehow ‘unnecessary’ most of the time. or that it’s the creator taking a lazy way out to pad their work. in contrast, with the non-sexual stuff, even when it doesn’t make sense in the larger story/character arcs, you often see popular tropes sprinkled in but getting nowhere near the same level of vitriolic resistance. no cries of ‘ew another miscommunication? that’s so gross. just say u can’t write and go’ type of shit. (to be fair, i don’t want those authors to get this feedback, just highlighting a double standard) and i do think part of that comes from a (sub)conscious view of sex as dirty/not meant to be openly talked about but no one wants to have that conversation here, least of all me lol)

but yeah, hard agree on the DLDR thing. i genuinely feel like things have become so hostile in fandoms lately because that and KINKTOMATO have all but eroded away, which is how you end up with all these people who equate fanfiction with paying for a service or commissioning an artist with the way they leave , like u said, ‘itemised lists’ of everything they don’t like/agree with. not everything is catered towards one person’s individual preferences and it doesn’t have to be.

#idk if i was explaining that middle part well #but i basically meant: people take a much harsher (and often conservative puritan bordering) stance on sex #that they won’t w other things even if it’s equivalent #and that bothers me #also. i think another reason for that kind of commenting is people forming this weird parasocial relationship w creators? #like. they feel like just bc they’re consuming this work they should be allowed to comment on all processes of it #and they fully forget there’s a real person on the other end of the screen #i wonder if these people would treat their irl friends showing them their art this way? #like imagine ur sister showing u a painting and the first thing u do is act like a pretentious critic #that’s not normal behaviour is it? or even societally acceptable? #idk i guess all of this ranting is just me being sad that so many of us aren’t bare minimum kind anymore lol #pen’s asks

[visixv]

Okay so I didn’t want to say anything more about it, but I’m seeing shit that I know for sure are lies and that is not ok.

Everyone is ofc free to vent about their experiences in the fandom, but starting to base one’s opinion on stuff that they haven’t seen with their own eyes or experienced beforehand is not good.

Putting it under a readmore to not clog people’s dash.

First of all, it’s been claimed that the people of the group share screenshots among themselves of people outside with the purpose of getting the others to block whoever the screenshots are about. It is not true. They have never policied who can interact with who. Like yeah, I remember times when stuff was shared like “be careful about this person”, but aren’t you all basically doing the exact same thing now?

They’ve also been accused about harassment because people got hate anons to stuff related to them. That is out of their control, one could easily make people enemies by posing as someone trying to talk in their name and stir the pot for the sake of drama.

Others consider vagueposting harassment, as if people don’t vent about stuff and people they don’t like all the time anywhere. God, even when the patch dropped and my eyelashes mod got broken I cursed cdpr in my blog.

Idk about you all, but I thought harassment was when people are going after someone directly, bothering them,  sending them messages constantly and trying to prevent them from interacting with other people. Actual direct action. Not a post about something one peep saw about a person they don’t like and writing their thoughts in their own blog without mentioning the person directly.

Finally, I see the word “gatekeeping” being thrown around a lot, and I did talk to a peep about this, because I still don’t get it. Isn’t gatekeeping preventing someone access to something? Are these people preventing you from doing content of whatever character you like? Preventing you from getting reblogs or preventing others from interacting with you over certain characters? What are they “keeping” from you? The only actual gatekeeping would be from interacting with their own content if you get blocked. And the same way as people aren’t entitled to our attention and notes and whatever, we aren’t entitled with whatever they may post either.

I’ve also seen people who just looked as if they were waiting on their seats for something related to this group to happen so they could go “ha! I knew it! I knew they were trash!” With a confirmation bias, going from a post of general fandom sentiment to focusing the hate towards a specific group of people who, for the past weeks, afaik, haven’t done anything, even left servers a long time ago because they weren’t comfortable in them because of stuff happening around. (Besides what happened yesterday when one slipped, and they did apologize and deleted it). Which other people take issue of too? Like, would you rather they kept the posts up with private conversations up for more people to see or? And for some people even if they apologize is also never enough.

Main problem I see in the fandom is that it’s so small, that anything happens and it becomes a huge thing, when in bigger fandoms most people won’t even know something is going on.

And this is something that at this point is getting way out of hand, and I have no clue what the objective of it all is. “To stop their behavior” I’ve seen. And again, besides the slip up, can someone point out where they have been continuing that supposed behavior? If it’s something that happened in the past, and past feelings got hurt, doesn’t it mean that then that behavior stopped a while ago?

What do you people actually want from them?

#Cyberpunk 2077 #cyberpunk 2077 drama #Cyberpunk drama

[rubylarkspur22]

Questions and answers below the cut. Manga spoilers.

1: Miyuri, How do you feel about the other Hashira?

In regards to Rengoku; he means well, and he’s very nice, but I’m not entirely sure he knows what an inside voice is. We don’t hang out much, but it’s kinda nice to be around such a bright presence whenever we do. He’s really warm, both metaphorically and literally, and offers to warm me up after shared missions.

Then there's Shinobu. She’s crazy, but I say that affectionately. I find it sweet that she’s trying to bring her sister’s dream to fruition, but she needs to stop faking her emotions all the time. And maybe ease up on bullying Tomioka.

Iguro and I are surprisingly tolerant of each other, given our differing opinions of Shinazugawa. We’ve discussed fighting half-blind before, due to our respective conditions, and he let me hold Kaburamaru once(only once, though, Kaburamaru doesn’t like how cold I am…). But aside from that, we don’t interact much.

Kanroji was a shock to me in many ways. How is she an older sister?! She gives off tons of baby sister energy! But it’s kind of cool we’ve been able to bond over our love for mochi and our hair colour changing. We’ve both been teased about the latter, but I’m happy to beat up anyone who calls her ugly or a freak. Her strength is admirable.

This may be .y bias from knowing Giyuu better, but I don’t get why people think he’s arrogant. If anything, he’s among the most humble of the Hashira. He deserves his place in our rank, no matter how much anyone(including himself) believes otherwise.

Himejima’s really helped me in navigating a world with limited sight. I’ve gotten a lot better at fighting because of him, and I doubt I’d still be here without that help. I can see why so many Slayers trust him, myself included, and why it took him only two months to become a Hashira.

Tokito is the baby of the Hashira, as much as he can kick all our back ends from here to kingdom come and has a tongue sharper than any sword. He’s skilled, but I hope he takes time to relax and be an actual kid from time to time.

And then there's Shinazugawa.If he acted less like a rabid dog, I wouldn’t mind hanging around him. And also, if he was less of a prick to Giyuu. Also, the amount of self-harm he does to use his blood against demons is… not great. No, I don’t care if Uzui has dubbed the three of us the White Hair Trio.

Speaking of Uzui. He’s unusual, but pretty nice to be around, especially when he drops the god complex and is more genuine. His wives are lovely, too.

2: Hakuji and Koyuki in Mirrored Sunset, What do you plan on naming the baby? And Keizo, how do you feel about becoming a grandparent?

Hakuji: We haven't picked a name. We're waiting until they're born. We do have a list, but we haven't been set on anything.

Koyuki: We do have a few kanji we were leaning towards, though. At one point, we discussed naming the baby Hanabi, after our first outing when I was well enough.

Keizo: I'm honestly a little shocked. I almost didn't expect Koyuki to live to get married, much less have a baby. But here we are! I've been doing everything I can to help them prep for parenthood, especially since Hakuji turned into a bit of a panicked mess when Koyuki first told him the news. He's much calmer about it now, but there were a solid few months where he thought Koyuki getting her own food and tea would cause problems. He wouldn't leave her alone that entire first trimester. It took Tsugikuni telling him about his own experience with childbirth to calm him down. But it just means Hakuji cares, and that's all I can ask for when it comes to my daughter and her baby. I know the two of them will be great parents.

3: For the Hashira in the Tsugikuni-Kamado Swap AUs, How do you feel about the twins? (Unless indicated, all answers apply to both AUs)

Tomioka: They're unique, and certainly have talent.

Kochou: Certainly curious cases. Especially the younger twin. I don't think there's any record of such raw talent.

Uzui: Flashy kids. Especially the one with the mark. Didn't expect it from someone so... Full, when it comes to personality.

Himejima: Gifted by the gods, but cursed by demons. May their gifts win out in this battle. Namu Amida Butsu.

Rengoku: They have most impeccable power! And the demon brother's self-restraint is to be admired!

Agatsuma Touko(MPCS): I don't trust them, and I have no clue why Yoshiteru hasn't dealt with it already. He's the future Thunder Hashira, he should know the protocol by now!

Kamado Sumiyoshi(AMSG): They're good friends, and actually quite nice. Unexpected, especially from a demon!

Shinazugawa: I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. Especially the younger twin. Reminds me too much of Tomioka with his stupid face.

Kanroji: They're so lovely! Such gentlemen! I hope they can achieve their goals!

Iguro: I don't like them. I doubt they can be trusted.

4: Obanai and Mitsuri in S&TF, How did you meet and get to know each other?

Mitsuri: I had gotten lost during my first Hashira meeting, and was too scared to ask for help. Plus, I didn't want to seem stupid, so I figured I'd tough it out and find my way somehow. ... I just ended up getting more lost. That's when I stumbled across Igu... Obanai., and he offered to show me around. I'll admit, Kaburamaru scared me at first, but Obanai was nice enough to guide me through the mansion and offer me lunch after. He's quite nice, actually.

Obanai: I found her wandering the mansion, and guessed she had to be a Hashira. She looked angry, but ready to cry at the same time, so I offered to help. And she seemed hungry after, so I offered to buy her lunch. It took her a bit to warm up to Kaburamaru, but she plays with him quite a lot nowadays. I'm glad we met, she's a very nice girl under her more skittish and cold exterior.

#demon slayer #kny au #character q&a #manga spoilers #❄️ #🔄 #🌙 #💕

[fozmeadows]

race & culture in fandom

For the past decade, English language fanwriting culture post the days of LiveJournal and Strikethrough has been hugely shaped by a handful of megafandoms that exploded across AO3 and tumblr – I’m talking Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Dr Who, the MCU, Harry Potter, Star Wars, BBC Sherlock – which have all been overwhelmingly white. I don’t mean in terms of the fans themselves, although whiteness also figures prominently in said fandoms: I mean that the source materials themselves feature very few POC, and the ones who are there tended to be done dirty by the creators.

Periodically, this has led POC in fandom to point out, extremely reasonably, that even where non-white characters do get central roles in various media properties, they’re often overlooked by fandom at large, such that the popular focus stays primarily on the white characters. Sometimes this happened (it was argued) because the POC characters were secondary to begin with and as such attracted less fan devotion (although this has never stopped fandoms from picking a random white gremlin from the background cast and elevating them to the status of Fave); at other times, however, there has been a clear trend of sidelining POC leads in favour of white alternatives (as per Finn, Poe and Rose Tico being edged out in Star Wars shipping by Hux, Kylo and Rey). I mention this, not to demonize individuals whose preferred ships happen to involve white characters, but to point out the collective impact these trends can have on POC in fandom spaces: it’s not bad to ship what you ship, but that doesn’t mean there’s no utility in analysing what’s popular and why through a racial lens.

All this being so, it feels increasingly salient that fanwriting culture as exists right now developed under the influence and in the shadow of these white-dominated fandoms – specifically, the taboo against criticizing or critiquing fics for any reason. Certainly, there’s a hell of a lot of value to Don’t Like, Don’t Read as a general policy, especially when it comes to the darker, kinkier side of ficwriting, and whether the context is professional or recreational, offering someone direct, unsolicited feedback on their writing style is a dick move. But on the flipside, the anti-criticism culture in fanwriting has consistently worked against fans of colour who speak out about racist tropes, fan ignorance and hurtful portrayals of living cultures. Voicing anything negative about works created for free is seen as violating a core rule of ficwriting culture – but as that culture has been foundationally shaped by white fandoms, white characters and, overwhelmingly, white ideas about what’s allowed and what isn’t, we ought to consider that all critical contexts are not created equal.

Right now, the rise of C-drama (and K-drama, and J-drama) fandoms is seeing a surge of white creators – myself included – writing fics for fandoms in which no white people exist, and where the cultural context which informs the canon is different to western norms. Which isn’t to say that no popular fandoms focused on POC have existed before now – K-pop RPF and anime fandoms, for example, have been big for a while. But with the success of The Untamed, more western fans are investing in stories whose plots, references, characterization and settings are so fundamentally rooted in real Chinese history and living Chinese culture that it’s not really possible to write around it. And yet, inevitably, too many in fandom are trying to do just that, treating respect for Chinese culture or an attempt to understand it as optional extras – because surely, fandom shouldn’t feel like work. If you’re writing something for free, on your own time, for your own pleasure, why should anyone else get to demand that you research the subject matter first?

Because it matters, is the short answer. Because race and culture are not made-up things like lightsabers and werewolves that you can alter, mock or misunderstand without the risk of hurting or marginalizing actual real people – and because, quite frankly, we already know that fandom is capable of drawing lines in the sand where it chooses. When Brony culture first reared its head (hah), the online fandom for My Little Pony – which, like the other fandoms we’re discussing here, is overwhelmingly female – was initially welcoming. It felt like progress, that so many straight men could identify with such a feminine show; a potential sign that maybe, we were finally leaving the era of mainstream hypermasculine fandom bullshit behind, at least in this one arena. And then, in pretty much the blink of an eye, things got overwhelmingly bad. Artists drawing hardcorn porn didn’t tag their works as adult, leading to those images flooding the public search results for a children’s show. Women were edged out of their own spaces. Bronies got aggressive, posting harsh, ugly criticism of artists whose gijinka interpretations of the Mane Six as humans were deemed insufficiently fuckable.

The resulting fandom conflict was deeply unpleasant, but in the end, the verdict was laid down loud and clear: if you cannot comport yourself like a decent fucking person – if your base mode of engagement within a fandom is to coopt it from the original audience and declare it newly cool only because you’re into it now; if you do not, at the very least, attempt to understand and respect the original context so as to engage appropriately (in this case, by acknowledging that the media you’re consuming was foundational to many women who were there before you and is still consumed by minors, and tagging your goddamn porn) – then the rest of fandom will treat you like a social biohazard, and rightly so.

Here’s the thing, fellow white people: when it comes to C-drama fandoms and other non-white, non-western properties? We are the Bronies.

Not, I hasten to add, in terms of toxic fuckery – though if we don’t get our collective shit together, I’m not taking that darkest timeline off the table. What I mean is that, by virtue of the whiteminding which, both consciously and unconsciously, has shaped current fan culture, particularly in terms of ficwriting conventions, we’re collectively acting as though we’re the primary audience for narratives that weren’t actually made with us in mind, being hostile dicks to Chinese and Chinese diaspora fans when they take the time to point out what we’re getting wrong. We’re bristling because we’ve conceived of ficwriting as a place wherein No Criticism Occurs without questioning how this culture, while valuable in some respects, also serves to uphold, excuse and perpetuate microaggresions and other forms of racism, lashing out or falling back on passive aggression when POC, quite understandably, talk about how they’re sick and tired of our bullshit.

An analogy: one of the most helpful and important tags on AO3 is the one for homophobia, not just because it allows readers to brace for or opt out of reading content they might find distressing, but because it lets the reader know that the writer knows what homophobia is, and is employing it deliberately. When this concept is tagged, I – like many others – often feel more able to read about it than I do when it crops up in untagged works of commercial fiction, film or TV, because I don’t have to worry that the author thinks what they’re depicting is okay. I can say definitively, “yes, the author knows this is messed up, but has elected to tell a messed up story, a fact that will be obvious to anyone who reads this,” instead of worrying that someone will see a fucked up story blind and think “oh, I guess that’s fine.” The contextual framing matters, is the point – which is why it’s so jarring and unpleasant on those rare occasions when I do stumble on a fic whose author has legitimately mistaken homophobic microaggressions for cute banter. This is why, in a ficwriting culture that otherwise aggressively dislikes criticism, the request to tag for a certain thing – while still sometimes fraught – is generally permitted: it helps everyone to have a good time and to curate their fan experience appropriately.

But when white and/or western fans fail to educate ourselves about race, culture and the history of other countries and proceed to deploy that ignorance in our writing, we’re not tagging for racism as a thing we’ve explored deliberately; we’re just being ignorant at best and hateful at worst, which means fans of colour don’t know to avoid or brace for the content of those works until they get hit in the face with microaggresions and/or outright racism. Instead, the burden is placed on them to navigate a minefield not of their creation: which fans can be trusted to write respectfully? Who, if they make an error, will listen and apologise if the error is explained? Who, if lived experience, personal translations or cultural insights are shared, can be counted on to acknowledge those contributions rather than taking sole credit? Too often, fans of colour are being made to feel like guests in their own house, while white fans act like a tone-policing HOA.

Point being: fandom and ficwriting cultures as they currently exist badly need to confront the implicit acceptance of racism and cultural bias that underlies a lot of community rules about engagement and criticism, and that needs to start with white and western fans. We don’t want to be the new Bronies, guys. We need to do better.  

#race #racism #c-drama #fandom #fan wank #fandom wank #microaggresions #culture #the untamed #bronies #whiteness #ficwriting #fanwriting #cultural bias #discourse

[sundayswiththeilluminati]

Continued from this post, Part 3 of my discussion of Essek Thelyss in the context of real-world espionage. This time: what happens to espionage assets in the long run? Do they break contact, and why? What might have been in store for Essek?

At the treaty meeting Essek tells Ludinus to his face that he wants no further contact with the Assembly, not even to learn what the Assembly discovers via their own beacon. He’s far from the first asset to try to sever their relationship, and it ends in one of three ways: they don’t manage to break contact, they break contact but voluntarily return, or (rarest of all) they end the relationship permanently. 

Most attempts don’t go beyond option 1, because intelligence agencies are not in the business of respecting their assets’ choices. Handlers are skilled in keeping the upper hand in their asset relationships and will take any further opportunity to gain leverage by compromising the asset. For instance they’ll often pay for information even if the asset hasn’t requested it, because money changing hands makes it far harder for an asset to frame their activities positively to their own side if they attempt to confess (”You expect us to believe they were blackmailing you when you got $10,000 to hand over the secret manual?” etc.) And when push comes to shove most people aren’t willing to accept the severe punishments for espionage. An asset’s threat to confess is more likely a negotiating ploy than a serious option.

Some assets, especially nervous or ego-driven ones, get the carrot: the KGB did a strong line in awarding secret medals to convince them they were doing important, well-regarded work and that the KGB would protect them - not an empty reassurance, as highly-placed moles like Aldrich Ames warranted elaborate ops involving double and triple agents to avert suspicions. And some assets get the stick: the handler tightens the screws using whatever leverage they’ve gained, implies that they’re already “too far in to go back,” or gives some time for those who were blackmailed into spying to think about the consequences of exposure.[1]

Those who get as far as option two, breaking it off and later returning, are usually driven away by fear but back by finances. Fantasy spies have all sorts of motives but in real life the majority are in it for the money. Assets, as you might imagine, make bad choices. About half start selling secrets just to stave off massive debt from overspending and poor financial decisions (the rest feel underpaid.) So even if these assets stop temporarily, the circumstances that drove them to espionage in the first place are still very much present. In these cases all a handler has to do is shrug and say, “You know where to find us.” Infamous FBI mole Robert Hanssen broke off contact with his Russian handlers when the Soviet Union collapsed, fearing he might get outed in the chaos, but linked back up with them just 10 months later when, surprise surprise, he needed some cash.

And then there are the rare handful who stop completely. There’s a bit of survivor(?) bias here because anyone who passes along secrets, breaks off the relationship before being caught, and manages to get away with it is by definition someone we don’t know about. Those who do manage to break contact long-term are usually able to do so because they left the situation that gave them access to interesting secrets and therefore the controlling agency determined they were no longer a useful resource and not worth pursuing. But even if an asset stops working for an agency, they’re far from forgotten - and far from off the hook. Names and evidence of their espionage would be kept on file for potential use as blackmail, leverage in state-to-state negotiations, or expendable material to prove bona fides in ops involving fake defectors or triple agents. A surprising number of spies are caught/outed years after their espionage ended.

Very few assets permanently sever their espionage relationships the hard way: making a genuine confession and accepting punishment. But it’s not unheard-of, especially if the espionage was brief and the asset believes the damage can be repaired. In 1989 Army signals analyst Michael Peri disappeared from his post in West Germany along with a portable computer containing numerous classified documents. Eleven days later he returned to his previous post with the computer and voluntarily confessed to the theft and sort-of defection to East Germany. When interrogated, Peri - who had been a model soldier until that point - said he felt overworked and underappreciated by his superiors, though he couldn’t entirely explain his decisions either to leave or to return (a sexy female Russian agent might also have been involved). He received a 30-year sentence.

Marine Clayton Lonetree, a guard stationed at the US Embassy in Moscow in 1985, was blackmailed over an affair to hand over details on the embassy compound for a year, but his conscience finally got the better of him and he confessed in late 1986. Being a Marine he faced the very real prospect of death by firing squad, but the court martial ended up giving him a 30-year sentence. It was later reduced to 15 after the Marine Corps Commandant wrote a letter to the Navy Secretary on his behalf attributing the young Marine’s actions not to treason or greed but to loneliness, naivety, and poor judgement.[2]

Going back to Essek’s case, he’s already in the minority of espionage assets because he doesn’t want money in return for the secrets he passes along; though the knowledge the Assembly promises him in return fulfills a similar desire, Essek doesn’t need that knowledge to pay off the equivalent of debt or to maintain his lifestyle. He has no pressures at home that force him to continue spying. With the beacons returned, the fall guys in place, and their tracks seemingly covered, he tells Ludinus that all he wants is to be rid of the entire affair. That rules out option one (he sincerely means to cut the Assembly off) and option two (he won’t be driven back by need.) 

Essek is also in an unusual position in that the worst of the damage he caused is repairable - just return the beacons.[3] A secret, once compromised, can’t be un-compromised. If an asset hands over a cipher machine they can’t fix the situation by stealing the cipher machine back; the foreign agency they sold it to has already studied the machine and learned its secrets, meaning it’s now effectively useless. But returning the beacons restores what the Kryn lost. While keeping dunamancy secret gives the Kryn a tactical edge, and I’m sure the Dynasty would prefer to keep the magical soulstones of their elite hidden from their long-time rival, the beacons don’t need to be secret to work. Essek therefore has a much better chance than most to simply repair the damage, cut off his handlers, and try to forget the whole affair ever happened. He might even think that, now that the Assembly has their own beacon, they’ll have no further use for him and will just leave him alone.

But from the Cerberus Assembly's perspective, this fruit still has plenty of juice in it and they risk nothing by continuing to squeeze. Now that they have their own beacon Essek’s knowledge becomes even more valuable. He has access to hundreds of years of dunamantic spellcrafting - and more importantly the rite of consecution, since the Assembly were probably after beacons in the first place to make themselves immortal. If Essek is caught, it’s treason for him, but the Assembly doesn’t suffer; they were doing it for the good of the Empire, learning about dunamancy to help the war effort. So if he refuses to keep spying voluntarily for the Assembly, they’ll just have to find another way to motivate him. 

As part of evaluating Essek before recruitment, Assembly operatives would have noted that he’s, well, highly motivated to save his own skin. Ludinus’ goal therefore becomes to make Essek see further espionage as the only way to stay alive. So instead of confronting Essek then and there, Ludinus shrugs and goes, “Okay. Sure.” Then he activates the Volstruckers, maybe leaks a little info to the Dynasty about a traitor in their midst, and sets up Essek to stew in fear, feeling isolated and attacked from both sides - targeted by the Assembly for his defiance, under suspicion from the Dynasty, unable to ask for help because of his crimes. Ludinus sits back and waits for Essek to re-establish contact on his own. Of course Ludinus didn’t know that the M9 had confronted Essek and gotten him to confess, making a return to spying impossible even if he tried.

While Essek’s motives revolve around ego, frustration, and rebellion, his situation is more like those of people who end up defecting because they’re unable to pursue their careers or live as they want to back home. He has virtually no social/family ties to leave behind, no loyalty to Dynasty authority, and no religious fervor to defend the Luxon, while the Assembly promises him the company of like minds and free rein in his experiments. Assuming no intervention by the M9 I think Essek would have ended up defecting to the Cerberus Assembly. If he did it early enough in the story he might have even joined the Volstruckers to complete the narrative foil transformation.

If the crew had confronted him at the treaty but not offered mercy I think he would have defected purely out of fear, thinking the Assembly were the only people who could protect him from both the Dynasty and the M9. He was already on edge watching the guy he'd set up to take the fall getting walked away in chains and with the Assembly's Wind of Aeons ship right there it would be the ideal time to make the move. Assuming the treaty confrontation went as it did (the crew makes him confess but lets him live) but the M9 hadn’t shown up in Eiselcross, Essek would likely have fled the outpost and gone into hiding in a bid to outrun his crimes (and probably gotten caught two weeks later given how awful he was at being “Dezrain Thane.”)

Essek is far from the first recruited asset to regret what they did even as they kept doing it. Those who can sell out their nation and not feel even a pang of guilt are thankfully thin on the ground. Most start off doing what seems to be a favor for a friend - or accepting a favor from a friend who wants to help with their “financial difficulties” - and end up so deep they can’t see any way forward other than to keep handing over secrets. He’s one more in a long line of those who compromised information out of frustration, especially through the appeal to shared professional interests (that’s how industrial assets tend to be recruited.)

But he’s also in a much better place to make up for it than most assets. Since he primarily compromised property, not secrets, returning said property can (somewhat, mostly) repair the damage done, which goes a long way towards buying leniency from the powers that be. And now I’m realizing that this post actually needs one final part, which is: how do you try someone for espionage, and should you charge them with it in the first place?

[1]  While spy dramas love sexy blackmail, and handlers will happily collect it to leverage against a balky asset, it works far less often in reality as a main reason for espionage. Social penalties for extramarital affairs pale before actual legal penalties like the death sentence for treason. On the other hand, those with foreign relatives are sometimes coerced by threats against those relatives.

[2]  Lonetree’s case for leniency got a boost in 1994 when Aldrich Ames was finally caught and some serious breaches of embassy security that had been attributed to Lonetree were found to be Ames’ work instead. In 1996 Lonetree was released after having served 9 years total.

[3] Although I did just think of a really messed-up Cerberus Assembly plan: consecute a handful of completely loyal Volstruckers, kill them, and send the beacons back so said agents will be reborn in the Dynasty and work to undermine it from within. How fucked up would that be?? Campaign 3 plot hook anyone?

(This accidentally turned into a series on Essek & IRL espionage: Parts 1, 2, 3, 4)

#Critical Role #Essek Thelyss #Critical Role spoilers #not really but just to be safe #CR meta #I guess #is that a thing people tag things with? #anyway let's talk about espionage! #I can't stop thinking about Volstrucker!Essek #jesus can you imagine that confrontation #Caleb staring him down? flanked by Astrid and Eadwulf? #then again I think Essek hates Trent in every timeline so #but still seriously #the narrative foils! #the foilssssssss #it's been a long pandemic