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missvelvetsstuff · 1 year

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Where you goin, Star?

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Reader meets Bucky when the truck hauling her show horses breaks down as she is trying to leave for an event and he works for the mechanic. Passionate, secret love affair ensues. After a confrontation with her father, Bucky decides she deserves better than a poor biker like him and leaves town with his friends Steve and Sam.

Three years later, reader is trapped in an abusive relationship and about to give up hope of things ever improving, when Bucky comes back.

Chapter 10

Warnings: swearing, angst

The next morning Star spent 2 hours with the physical therapist, who gave her stretches and exercises she could use to build her strength back up.

Then she spent an hour with a nutritionist to help learn how to gain the weight she had lost, healthily.

Then a psychiatrist who specialised in addiction and PTSD.

Each one left her with a stack of papers and scheduled appointments for the coming week.

By the end of the day she was released from the hospital and taken in Tony's car to Stark Tower. Pepper showed her to a beautiful suite with a small kitchenette, fully stocked with healthy snacks and treats.

"You can make your own meals but we have a chef who can whip something up any time you need." Pepper smiled at her.

Star teared up. It had been so long since anyone even tried to be nice to her that she felt overwhelmed. Everything felt like too much. "Thank you Pepper. I think right now I could use some sleep."

Pepper gave her a gentle hug "Of course. There's a Stark phone on the desk with instructions included. It has the numbers you will need here. Me and Tony, the chef, the detectives. That sort of thing."

She showed Star the dresser and closet, filled with clothes.

"I guessed on your sizes but these will get you started and we can go shopping when you're up to it. Try to get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow" and left Star alone with him.

Bucky sat on the couch in the living area "Do you want me to leave too? I don't wanna-"

"No, please stay" she blurted out then covered her mouth. "I'm sorry, I just don't want to be alone."

Bucky shook his head "You don't have to apologize to me, I'll be here as much or as little as you need.

I know that we need to have a talk but no pressure. I'll be here when you're ready. Do you want me to put my number in your phone? In case you need me?" He looked at her hopefully.

She handed him her phone. "I think I'm going to take a bath, wash that hospital smell off." And grabbed some pajamas.

The bath was wonderful, deep tub with jets and never seemed to run out of hot water. When she left the bathroom she saw Bucky dozing on the sofa so she gently laid a blanket over him and went to bed.

Star crashed hard but woke up in a cold sweat and ached all over, her head pounding. She shook her head, which made it ache more, and reminded herself that this was just part of the withdrawals and they will pass with time.

When Star was up to it a few days later the detectives and a couple of attorneys that Tony recommended came in to discuss her accusations against John, a divorce, her inheritance from her grandmother and her fathers fortunes. Everything was all intertwined.

The divorce papers were drawn up quickly and were very simple. The majority of John's possessions were in fact hers and she was giving him nothing since she had evidence of infidelity and abuse. She braced herself for the drama because she knew John wouldn't just walk away. The last 3 years with her father's money and connections had emboldened him. She was honestly surprised that he hadn't shown up already.

Star wasn't doing well emotionally. Going over the horrible things that John and Brock did to her was difficult and reliving it all was giving her nightmares.

Bucky held her hand through all of it, she really didn't have anyone else but the more she remembered the more questions she had for him. She wasn't up to dealing with that yet. While she felt safe in Stark tower she worried about her horses so Tony sent a security detail to keep them safe.

On the third day, after lunch, she received a text from Tony's bodyguard, Happy Hogan. John was downstairs in reception demanding to see her and Happy was asking what she wanted him to do. She called her attorneys to see if they could come in and when they both confirmed, had Happy tell John to come back in 2 hours, so she had time to eat, shower and wait for them to show up.

After her shower, Star looked through the closet to find something comfortable but not too casual. She found a short sleeved green wrap style dress and sandals, impressed at how perfectly the dress fit. She made herself a mental note to thank Pepper and compliment her eye for size and style.

Bucky had told her he had business with Tony, Steve and Sam today so wouldn't be around until the evening. She had gotten used to having him around all the time so felt a little exposed seeing John for the first time but she knew that Happy and Rhodey would keep her safe. She did send Bucky a text to let him know John was coming over.

When Happy knocked on her door she had been sitting on the couch, daydreaming about getting back to her horses and the life she wanted. None of her dreams gave her any insight on how or where Bucky would fit in all of it.

The knocking startled her out of her thoughts so she stood up, smoothed her dress down and took his arm as he escorted her down to the conference room where she saw Rhodey waiting. He gave her a quick hug and whispered reassurances in her ear.

Star took a deep breath and entered the room to see John sitting and Clint standing behind him. She wondered briefly where Brock and Jack had gone but was relieved they weren't there and figured John had fired them for letting her survive and get away from them.

John stood and smiled at her "Sweetheart I've been so worried about you" he reached towards her which made her flinch and Rhodey stepped up between her and John.

That pissed him off "Whats this about? I cant even get near my wife? What the fuck is this game, Y/N?"

Happy looked at him coldly "I already advised you of the conditions for this meeting. If you try to touch Ms Pierce again, you'll be escorted out of the building."

John tried to look loving but didn't have it in him "Ms Pierce? I don't understand. My wife has been missing for days and I just want to take her home."

"Why? So you can finish the job?" She spat at him then Star sat, with Happy on one side, Rhodey standing behind her and her attorneys on her other side.

John forehead wrinkled "Finish what job? I'm just glad you are safe and-"

"No thanks to you. Don't play innocent John. We all know what you've done. I was willing to let you walk away with your secrets but you had to try to hurt me even more."

Her lawyer, Jeri Hogarth stood up "Alright folks, lets get started here.

Mr Walker, I'm Jeri Hogarth and this is my associate Desmond Tobey. We've been hired by Ms Pierce to handle your divorce and her inheritance.

Did you receive the divorce settlement that was sent to your office?"

John nodded but before he could speak she continued.

"Good. Have you retained someone to represent you in the divorce?"

John shook his head "No one will be getting divorced here. I'm taking my wife home with me."

Y/N shook her head and chuckled.

John smirked at her evilly. "Now sweetheart, you know what happens if you divorce me. You'll lose everything. So let's go home and work this out."

Star scoffed "Work this out? You tried to kill me you bastard, there's nothing to work out."

John chuckled condescendingly "Honey, you know I would never hurt you. Your drug habit has gotten out of control and now you've brought all these other people into our personal problems, your delusions. You know how I feel about that."

Jeri interrupted "Mr Walker, unless you intend to sign the divorce settlement as is then you should hire an attorney to represent you."

John shook his head "Don't need one."

Jeri sighed "Very well then the notes from this meeting will indicate that you have declined representation at this time." She looked at her associate "Desmond"

Desmond Tobey stood "My client has indicated that the settlement as written is the only offer that she will make. If it has to go before a judge she will produce evidence of Mr Walker's infidelity and physical abuse. Meaning the media will soon have access to said evidence which will affect his current job." He looked John in the eyes "Do you understand that, Mr Walker? She is willing to air out all of your dirty laundry for the world to see. Based on what I have seen so far it would be enough to destroy your political ambitions and make finding any employment difficult."

"But her father wanted-"

Desmond cut him off "Mr Pierce is deceased and the allegations would affect the stipulations of your inheritance."

John looked at Y/N "Are you sure you wanna do that honey? Tell the whole world you're a drug addict?"

Y/N glared at him "I wouldn't have even taken any pain pills if Brock hadn't beat me until I miscarried, while you watched. I wouldn't have kept taking them if you hadn't worked so hard to make my life miserable. I've been clean for almost a week and have no desire to take them again. I wouldn't have overdosed if you hadn't had Brock drug me."

John shook his head "No honey, that's not what happened. Brock caught you when you fainted after taking too many pills and drinking alcohol on your lunch with Pepper." He looked to her attorneys "The drugs made her confused but I'm so glad you're getting clean, baby."

Jeri sighed "We have a syringe with traces of morphine and two sets of fingerprints one belonging to Brock Rumlow and the other Jack Rollins. Ms Pierce was drugged"

"I told Brock to take her to the house and meet our doctor. Brock must have done something after her left with her. I had a meeting with an important donor that I couldnt miss." He made himself tear up "He worked for her father and was her bodyguard for years. I thought I could trust him." He looked at Y/N "Baby I'm so sorry that I-"

Jeri cut him off "The NYPD picked Rumlow and Rollins up at a motel near the airport this morning. They had tickets to Rio. No extradition treaty with Brazil." She looked through some paperwork "Rumlow isn't talking but Rollins on the other hand. We'll just call him the Canary because he won't stop singing."

John laughed nervously, his face visibly paling "He's just making shit up to save his own ass."

Jeri nodded "I can see how one might think that, he has admitted to some heinous crimes but he has all kinds of proof. Claims he knew Rumlow couldn't be trusted and he wanted to cover his ass. Pictures, paperwork, recordings, it's pretty extensive."

Desmond spoke up again "Are you still sure you don't want to sign the settlement?"

John gulped loudly "I'm sure. I think you're bluffing. If you really had all that evidence then you would just arrest me."

Y/N sighed "I just wanted this over. I don't want to spend months dealing with divorce court and a criminal trial but if that's what it takes to be rid of you and keep what is rightfully mine, I'm in." She looked at Jeri "I think that's enough for today. I need to rest."

John stood and hit the table angrily "Absolutely not! Y/N you are my wife and are coming home with me. Today. Right fucking now! I don't know who you people think you are but you have no right to keep me from my wife." He reached for her but was slammed against the table, hands held behind his back before he knew what hit him.

Happy had to hold back a laugh as John started squirming and yelling for Rhodey to let him go. Clint stood back with his hands up, giving Y/N an apologetic look before quickly leaving.

Jeri looked at him squawking like a chicken and shook her head "Looks like we're done for today. Mr Walker, there are two NYPD detectives waiting outside of this room who will be taking you in to be booked. I would recommend you find an attorney asap. Tomorrow I'll be speaking to a judge about returning the Pierce inheritance and properties to Ms Pierce so if you do make bail you'll need to find a place to live quickly. If you have any questions, feel free to call me. After you get out, of course, I don't take collect calls, unless it's a client."

Y/N stayed where she was while John was handcuffed and read his rights. Someone had called the press so John's perpwalk would make it to the evening news.

Happy looked to her once John was on the elevator "You ok ma'am?" She looked at him and nodded "Lets get you back home then." He helped her up and they took the elevator up to the top floor.

When they entered her suite, Bucky was waiting at the table with take out for dinner. He looked at Happy questioningly, Happy nodded that she was ok, just shaken up and left her with Bucky.

Bucky smiled gently at her "Hey Star. I heard you had some company."

She grimaced "I knew I would have to see him again eventually but it still caught me off guard." Bucky helped her sit on the couch and sat across from her waiting for her to continue.

"John refused to sign the papers, insisted he did nothing wrong. Even when they told him that Rumlow and Rollins were arrested and Rollins is singing. He still seems to think my father will somehow protect him."

She sniffed "something smells good. Did you make dinner" and smirked at him.

Bucky feigned shock "Now Star, you know damn well I can't boil water on my own."

She giggled "I thought you might have learned something in 3 years. Poor Peggy having to feed all of you all this time."

Bucky shook his head "I'm afraid the only thing I learned was that I can't live without you."

She rolled her eyes "Yes, I'm sure you were terribly lonely. Even Dot wasn't enough to assuage your loneliness."

Bucky looked confused "Dot? Why would she be with me?"

Star shrugged "Beats me, she was with you when you came to my father's wake. Brock said you took her with you when you left town"

Bucky shook his head "We know how trustworthy Brock is. We stopped at the clubhouse the morning of the funeral, she was there and claimed she wanted to pay her respects and be there for me. First time I saw her since we left. I barely even noticed she was there."

Star rolled her eyes "I'm sure. It wasn't Dot that kept you away so long? Your letter said a year at most but you were gone 3 years."

She looked at him with tears in her eyes "I kept thinking you would come back and tell me it was a mistake. That you would save me. I thought you'd stop the wedding but you never did and I gave up."

Bucky reached out to hold her hand and was encouraged when she didn't pull away. Tears forming in his eyes as he answered. "I meant to come back sooner, I just I just. Everything got all fucked up." He looked at the floor.

Star sat quietly as he composed himself. He finally looked back up at her. "I planned to be back sooner. I figured I'd get the Harley mechanic certificate and then take some business classes here.

When Wanda told Peggy about your engagement it hit me hard. I was almost convinced that you were better off with John. He had your fathers support and was on his way up. Steve and Sam talked me down after a week long bender, reminded me that it was your father telling me I wasn't good enough. Told me Brock probably hadn't had the chance to give my letter to you. I threw myself back into the classes and was really doing well.

Then you got married and it was all over the news, up and coming candidate and heiress marry, wedding of the year, fairytale romance and all the other bullshit the media put out.

I saw your wedding picture on the front of one of the tabloids. You looked so beautiful but your eyes still looked so sad. I felt like a failure. I left you to your father's devices and it was my fault you weren't happy. I told myself you had the letter but still chose John."

He stood and started pacing, running hus hand through his hair.

"I thought you deserved better than a man who ran away like I did. I knew that I would never deserve you again, could never be good enough. I dove into a bottle of Jack Daniels and refused to leave. For months I barely left the house except to the liquor store. Finally one day I saw some tv interview with John and lost it. Tore the house up, put my boot through the tv.

Peggy came home that night and that was it, Steve tossed me into the shower until I sobered up and read me the riot act. Told me that a violent, drunken asshole definitely didn't deserve you and I better get it together or I would lose the few friends I had. So I cleaned up, joined AA and haven't had more than a couple of drinks since." He paused for a breath "Ok full disclosure, I got a little drunk after I tried to talk to you at your stable. I went to your parents house to confront you and Brock but John's car was there and Nick showed up to stop me. He bought me a couple of drinks after that."

"I'm so sorry, Star. I failed you so many times that I'll understand if you can't forgive me." He sat back down and took her hands "I didn't know what to do. When I met you I was sure I'd never be able to settle down. I figured any real relationships I tried were doomed to repeat my parents history. Dad in jail and mom forever alone because she couldn't bear another heartbreak.

You just blew me away with your free spirit and how you loved me so easily regardless of the fact that I was a dirt poor biker who couldn't afford his own apartment. The world felt brighter when I was with you. I thought we had a real chance.

Then we came home to your dad and I felt like he was reality showing me how impossible we were. I tried to stay hopeful that I could make myself good enough for you but obviously didn't do a great job.

I know now that I will never be good enough in some people's eyes including my own but I'm gonna try. I realized that the only opinion I care about is yours. If you think I'm good enough then I will keep trying to be. I don't want to live without you again, even if we're only friends. I haven't touched anyone else since you and I meant it when I said you're it for me. I love you, Star and I'll spend the rest of my life showing you how much. If you let me."

@pattiemac1

Before Star could respond they were startled by loud banging on the door.

Chapter 11

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #james bucky barnes x reader #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes x you #angst with a happy ending #biker bucky

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beatrice-reden-official · 2 months

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They could prescribe you any illness you'd like

If you define the terms of your ailments

You could sing a pretty malady like a black canary

But a crow don't know the smell of carbon monoxide

^ Judith starting to lose faith in the resistance, and seeing everyone else's optimism ^

How many years have you been on that couch

They could've quilt'd you in the throws by now

You draw a line in the sand where it ends and you begin

But the tide rolls in, so who knows? Oh well

^ Talking to Breen, catching on to his problem with identity ^

And a little identity never hurt nobody

But lately you've been focusing too much on yourself

So how many milligrams of you are still left in there

^ Judith looking at herself, starting to get worried that by joining the Combine she's going to lose herself ^

Cause back in my day we didn't need no feel-good pills and no psychiatrists

No, we just drank ourselves to death, and god damn it, we liked it

^ Talking to Alyx, and getting very frustrated with her questions because like. Obviously she wants to know where Judith has been going. ^

Who makes the call? What's a symptom, what's a flaw

Can it be both? Well I suppose that's an answer

Would you give up your humanity for just a touch of sanity

Cause God knows it's not like it's cancer

^ Back to Breen, starting to get a bit sarcastic about his choice (and deflecting her own guilt onto pity for him) ^

And good news to the purists: they've discovered a cure

For the symptoms of being alive

It's a painless procedure with a low rate of failure

But very few patients survive

^ Hahn taking Judith to see the experiments, and Judith is trying so hard to feel something about it. ^

And a little conformity never hurt nobody

But lately I've been worried that you're losing yourself

So how many milligrams of you are still left in there

^ Back at Breen, still seeing his personal decay ^

Cause back in my day we didn't need no feel-good pills and no psychiatrists

No, we just bled out in our bath, and god damn it, we liked it

^ I dunno mate ^

Doctor, what's my prognosis if the studies show that

Disease is in the eye of the beholder

Tell me "so it goes"

We depress to impress, I guess

In layer after layer to get off our chests

It's cold out now, we can take it off later

Better safe than sorry, and we both know the danger

^ Judith at Eli, trying to connect to him again ^

So doctor, could you run another test

Got a feeling that this time I might just pass it

Well, if you raise the average

We'll all sing when the bell curve rings

In lyrics symptomatic of the way we think

If our harmonies don't sync, we can change our voices

A chorus on condition of our diagnosis

^ Thinking about her double crossing, starting to struggle with issues about herself and how she changes from place to place ^

Back in my day we didn't need no feel-good pills and no psychiatrists

What can I say, except don't heed no evil wills of moral nihilists

I said, "Back in the days of lobotomies and shock therapy and mad scientists

Oh don't you make me waste my breath. God damn it"

^ Judith during the office scene, finally snapping and jumping in to save Eli because she can't stand Breen anymore ^

Ain't your you-dentity at stake

Does aspirin kill you with the pain

You're not your thoughts, you're not your brain

You're just the character you've made

Up in your head, down in your heart

What seem like separate body parts

Come together to believe they're you

And not just chemistry

It's not the way that you were raised

Or what the advertisements say

Not what you pay for, what you pray for

What you want, or what you say

And I see your tendency to redefine disease by what you need

And I'm afraid I can't prescribe the diagnosis that you seek

And something tells me that you need

Forgive me now if I misspeak

But something tells me that you like

And something tells me

You prefer

To be sitting there flipping through those old issues of People

Well that's our time, see you next week

^ Judith at pretty much everyone, just...releasing all those emotions she kept under wraps to keep herself and the people she cares about safe. ^

OOOOOOOOOO YEAH!! I LOVE THIS

#ask #bibi tag

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boricuacherry-blog · 1 year

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Friday, July 20, 1962

To Dr. Ruth Beuscher:

First of all, please charge me some money. I feel a fraud and a heel to be cadging time and advice out of you for nothing...My last New Yorker poem [Tulips] earned me $270, so I can afford the luxury of a good psychiatrist, which is you.

The virginity, as it were, of our marriage ended Friday the 13th (Oh we are very superstitious in our house) & I went to a friend's with the baby leaving mother here with [two-year-old] Frieda & went through the whole bloody thing minute by minute.

At first I thought, why did he have to f*** this woman in this nasty way? Then, after I had got over the nausea, got the doctor to knock me out for 8 hours after a week of no eating or sleeping, I thought: Thank God. I am free of so much. And this was probably the most economical way to do it, although at the time of my misery I thought it the cruellest.

I remember you almost made me hysterical when you asked me if, or suggested, that Ted might want to go off on his own. This was heresy to me then, the Worst. How could a true-love ever ever want to leave his truly-beloved for one second? We would experience Everything together.

I began to worry about the purity & strength of my love when I found myself thinking: Why doesn't the bastard leave the house and let me put my hair up & dust & sing. I think obviously both of us must have been pretty weird to live as we have done for so long.

I was always having nightmares about Ted dying or being in accidents & for this reason could hardly bear to let him out of my sight. For fear he would desert me forever, like my father [who died from diabetes when Sylvia was eight], if I didn't watch him closely enough. And he must have had enough desire for womb-comfort to stick it out. Well, we are 30. We grow up slowly, but, it appears, with a bang.

I'm damned if I'm going to be a wife-mother every minute of the day. And as I am a pretty faithful type, and have no desire left for malice or revenge on Ted, to 'get back at him,' I'd just as soon make love with Ted. But coming from a distance, from a space, a mutual independence.

The little conventional girl-wife wanted Ted to come back & say: My God, how could I hurt you so, it will never happen again. But I knew I couldn't really stand him to say that, & he didn't. He told me the truth about the femme fatale. And I didn't die. I thought my capacity for conventional joy & trust & love was killed, but it wasn't. It is all back.

And I don't think I'm a suicidal type anymore, because I was really fascinated to see how, in the midst of genuine agony, it would all turn out & kept going. I really did believe it was the Worst Thing that could happen, Ted being Unfaithful; or next worst to his dying. Now I am actually grateful it happened, I feel new.

I have no desire for other men. Ted is one in a million. Sex is so involved with me in my admiration for male intelligence, power and beauty that he is simply the only man I lust for.

I know men feel differently about sex, but I thought, they, too, were capable of deep and faithful love. It is not very much consolation to me that Ted really deeply & faithfully loves me, while he follows any woman with bright hair, or an essay on Shakespeare in her pocket, or an ability for flamenco dancing.

The thought of Ted making physical love to them, registering them under my name in hotels, letting all the people we know see this, hurts and nauseates me horribly. I feel if he really loved me he would see how this hurt damages my whole being, makes it barren, and deprives me of joy in lovemaking with him.

All the stupid little things I did with love - baking bread, making pies, painting furniture, planting flowers, sewing baby things - seem silly and empty without faith in Ted's love. And the children who so delighted me are like little miasmas, crying for daddy.

-Sylvia Plath

#sylvia plath #letter #dr. ruth beuscher #ted hughes

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dopaminergicaddictions · 3 months

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I woke up at 2:30. I'm at thr glass place now. I can't wait to have a new Windshield. The astigmatism will disappear. It won't be covered in nicotine anymore. It's going to be wonderful.

I'm here about 30 minutes early. They said it takes anywhere between 1 hour and 1 hour and 30 minutes. My appointment was at 4 and they close at 5 so I wanted to get here early.

I'm thankful for the ability to take the higher dose when my circadian rhythm gets in the way. I still have to consider getting a psychiatrist tbh... cause my doctor won't go up. And I have a feeling Xanax is going to be forever.

I have to reschedule my medical marijuana renewal as I don't see the point in spending 75$ on a renewal I can't use for at least 2 more weeks. I guess you're considered a renewal for 60 days after you expire so that a good thing. I expire tomorrow.

I still have to deal with Mike I canceled for today but Erin will be out next week so I scheduled him for Friday. I'll see Erin Monday, Danielle Tuesday and him Friday. I do have to talk to him about it though.

I'm still hallucinating. Nothing has changed. So I mean I guess my brain is broken forever. I have deemed this my first episode... everytime i hallucinated on the thc pills short term was just hallucinating...

July 28th to July 29th wasn't even 24 hours... it started somewhere between 9-11 pm on the 28th and ended on the 29th somewhere between 2-5 p.m. it wasn't even a full 24 hours. The only good new is usually people can recover from their first episode psychosis. I don't thinkna stretch of under 24 hours is considered psychosis.

I am losing hope that it will stop.. I only have roughly 14 more days.... my Dr recommended holistic medicine... not covered by insurance as I won't consider antipsychotics... Erin wants me to talk to a herbal healer... like I can afford any of this. So yea. I'm starting to looking up how to lower dopamine in the brain naturally... and it's kinda a let down... exercise! I can't even walk back and forth to my car without developing a rash and a cysts........ no nicotine... yes right.... let's just cope with hallucinating by doing meth then right? Cause I need a vice... no sugar... yes right.. let's spend all my money on things without sugar and not drink or eat anything I enjoy.... I don't have as much sugar as you'd think.. it's really just in my juice ans red bull.

I guess it's just going to have to be natural. I have control over my mental images now almost entirely... so I mean there is that. They aren't sexual even though psychosis really tries to male me see the creature with hair and see genitals. It doesn't really work anymore cause I can change it. I know mental images get really effected from psychosis.

I'm worried that even though I know it's psychosis, that my brain can't heal naturally. Everyone needs to do drugs....like I've joined all these groups asking if anyone healed from it naturally and no one responds... it's like everyone hears the voice ot goes catatonic and just takes drugs. If I didn't have the knowledge i do I would have probably taken drugs but I have too much knowledge of them. In the group I was reading some people posts and the a lot of people were talking about latuda... I read about it. It's fucked. The side effects and all that. It really will ruin a person.

So this is like day 117 or something. Idk I'd my brain will ever re-regulate.... all I know is supposedly you can heal from psychosis.

I keep seeing this mental images of a pink brain with blackened connections. 2 weeks ago the blackened wires were like the size of a soda can bottom just square shaped. Today it's like the size of a red bull can but square shaped. I feel like my brain is trying to tell me it's getting more Nirmal... idk. I kinda expect to be like this for life.

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maggstar · 3 months

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hi, love

no worries, i love reading ur long responses since my ask are usually on the longer side like ^^

the guy turned out to be a dick, not actually caring about me, he asked me for pictures of boobs so yeah, that's that, im disappointed cuz i thought he meant all the cute stuff he said to me but apparently people are awful and dishonest for some unknown reason and there is nothing i can do about that!

thank u for the lovely wishes! i hope that 2024 would be good and kind for us!

i saw that ure struggling these days and im sorry to hear that, i sometimes feel like there is no sense in this life too but i try to see the smaller picture when the big one gets too scary and overwhelming!

i love you too, im sorry that i can't talk to u more often im just too busy sometimes :(( but i do think about u and always hoping ure doing good!

i hope the burnout will soon pass! stay safe a!

sending hugs and kisses as always!!! im here for u even though it's not much!

-♡︎

ps id love to request something! but my brain has no ideas so sorry about that, sweetie

My angel,

fucking hate nudes, go watch porn instead your horny piece of - 😑

My mental health has been a mess lately. I've been on antidepressants for almost 4 years now and last month I tried to take decrease my dosage. Seems like it wasn't a good time as I had to go back up to my previous dosage because of my worsened state. Sometimes I have periods where I wanna end my life, but they usually pass. I called a site called safety line, it's for those who for example want to commit suicide or have problems. It helped a bit, made those thoughts disappear from my head. Sorry for rambling about such negative things haha.

It's alright, I know uni is difficult and it takes time! It's completely alright. I took a year of when my problems started so I'm repeating one more year, but next year I should finally graduate from grammar school. I get that you're busy, so please, don't feel bad at all! Ilym

I'm currently taking 2 weeks off of school. My doctor and psychiatrist adviced me to do so or my state could get worse and I would need to be hospitalised. 😁

How are you doing other than that? I'm sorry about the guy, but he was just a horny dickhead and that's not your fault.

Take care my sweet angel, love you so so much💕

Ps. I need to recommend you some amazing songs I've found recently.

Darci - Code Red, Travis Scott- my eyes (the best part looped), David Kushner - skin and bones. Let me know if you liked them. ☺️

#asks 💌#♡ anon

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t-ierrahumeda · 5 months

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the power's been out for a while. neighbors said they tried to put the light on and things burned out. I'm being careful so I don't try - I'm afraid my computer will burn too, and even if I have the money to replace it, I want to keep it safe, because I built it with my own hands, and parts are expensive - I'd rather use my money for other things.

My cellphone is at 37%, but I still choose to listen to music. The beer is cold, because I put it with ice in a bowl. it's almost completely dark outside, but the lights from other blocks still illuminate the sky for a bit. On my balcony, I can barely see my hands before me. The sound of a thunder is near. Maybe it will rain.

I was supposed to do a few things today, and I managed most of them. It still feels like a failure. It never feels like I used my day as I should. I feel like I can do nothing right these days, as Beach Fossils sing in their kinda sad songs. I don't wanna lie in bed yet.

The day before yesterday I felt I should kill myself. I took a bit more of what I was supposed to take of my sleeping pills early, to ease myself into sleep and let another day come by, hoping the next day it would be better. It was, in a way. I still felt nauseous, and I yet have to find out what's causing it. I've been eating well, drinking a lot of water. Not too much coffee. It still comes back, like a hangover that shouldn't be there.

I repeat to myself the mantra: if it's scary, do it scared. I couldn't work out today, for a reason or another. It's fine. I can do it tomorrow, if my nerves allow me to. I chant to myself: "it's pointless, it's pointless", but a voice, a very small voice tells me "it will help you sleep, and it's good for your body and your mind. I told my mom I'd go on a walk today, but I couldn't go through. My neighborhood is not nice, it's not pretty, so there's no motivation. I know I should get outside more, but it scares me.

Mom goes to work, and the night is mine. Most of the times, I just go to sleep without eating dinner. Maybe a cherry tomato, to ward off the hunger. I know it makes no sense, the beer will spoil it anyways.

My eldest cat is with me on the balcony. He might be looking at me, or looking out - I have no way of knowing, it's all so dark, and I don't dare to light my flashlight to him, it would be rude. So it's still a mystery.

Power should come at around 22.00 pm, but I'm still worried about my PC. I do wish it would come, because it's really hard to sleep without my fan on: the sound soothes me.

It's not summer yet, but it will be soon. This week I started working again at my company, and my boss told me to keep it easy the first day, but tomorrow I'm expected to go at the same pace as my coworkers. When I told him that by my psychiatrist orders I should work from home for the time being, he wasn't pleased. I know I shouldn't care, since I'm quitting this company in two months, but the sensitive part of me cares. I hate being singled out and disliked by others - I don't want to be loved either, just go by unnoticed. That suits me better.

I don't have a set plan for after I quit. It might be my downfall, with my self esteem issues. it will be hard to find a job because I don't trust myself.

Everyone around me tries to encourage me, but I feel like the look and behaviour of this coworker is spot on: you're useless, you're a nuisance, you should stop bothering me. And deep inside I feel she's right. And I'm so scared everyone will know, eventually. That the mask will come out and they'll see me for what I am.

I'm good at some things, but they're useless in the real world. I don't have luck with them in the internet world either - they go unnoticed, the only thing I wish was noticed.

The light is out still. 33% for now.

Mom is not here, but I doubt she'd be of much help. She sees me down, and she wishes to help me, but nobody but myself can. I can see her growing weary, taking care of her adult daughter, when she should be on her own, with a girlfriend, independent, stable. I know I tire her. There's so much she can offer me.

I tried dating, but I can't connect with anybody. I'm afraid I'll reveal something about me, and that they'll accept me anyways, but I wouldn't be able to go through it. It has happened before. I keep creating goals for me, so that when I reach them I'll be able to love someone back, but I keep failing them, either sabotaging myself, or simply not feeling anything. Sex means nothing to me. I've grown accustomed to being by myself and satisfying myself. I don't truly believe anyone would truly love someone as wretched, as cold, as unattached as me. And I don't mind it.

My friend falls in love so easily. I envy her. I envy many of my friends, and sometimes I refuse to see them because I don't want them to see what a wretched thing I've become. they still love me for some reason I still yet have to understand. Maybe they're blind. Maybe they hold to some hope I don't understand.

I'm going on a trip next month. It's a beautiful place, I've been there before. I'm a bit afraid I won't have a good time, even though forests calm me and frighten me at the same time. I went on a trip with these friends and I couldn't enjoy a little bit of it. I tried my best, but I couldn't. I cried a lot. when I came back, I had to take two days off from work. The last day, I committed myself to a mental health hospital because my desire of killing myself was too high.

after I went to the outside world, I kept crying. sometimes I cry too, these days. A little, or a lot.

I really hope things get better. I've never been on a depressive episode like this. They usually end after a month. This has been going on for many months. Most of the times I don't know what to do with myself. I try to keep to a routine, but the hours pass so slow....and the next day doesn't promise anything good; it's kinda like a lottery.

I don't want to keep living like this for the rest of my life. Nothing I try seems to work. Every day feels like forever, and the best time of the day is when I finally go to sleep. I don't like this one bit. but they keep telling me it's a process, I've gotta toughen up and endure it, it will be okay. But will it? It feels neverending. I have no motivation to draw, to embroider, to work out, to cook, to keep my body healthy. It means nothing. I do my best to endure it, but how long will my resolve stand up? I'm tired. It feels everyday that I shouldn't have been born, that it was all a mistake. I feel so lonely. A fuck won't fix me, a few likes on a piece I worked hard on means nothing.

I keep dreaming I will be saved. That I will go back to my times in highschool, where everything was painful but it still had a glimmer of hope. I drink my 4th beer and nothing feels better. It only serves as a reminder I can't exist in a world like a normal person. Like my friends are. They have it figured out, then why do I not? I'm old enough. I should. It hurts. And yet another day comes. I wish I could stay sleeping for the rest of my life. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself, I keep thinking about my family. About my cats. About some glimmer of hope that eventually will come.

I'm tired. So really tired.

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bipresso · 6 months

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Moving Across the Country

I'm moving soon to another area of Japan. on my last visit at the local hospital, I made sure to get 3 months of all my medicines (which is the legal limit.)

this prefecture is generous, and subsidizes all psychiatric medicine and related visits by 100%!!

I'm moving somewhere where I'd only pay 10%, but it can get expensive cause I have a few non-generic medicines. (it's such a joy when the psychiatrist lets me know generic of any of my medicines becomes available!)

I hope I my 自立支援医療 and 障がい手帳 will transfer smoothly.

and that I'll get decent treatment at my next hospital... but cause it's such a large hospital, i worry i can't be a priority much cause I'm still fairly young and supposedly functioning...

so i will expecting weeks and weeks between appointments, while I've be able to have a visit every 2 weeks here.

I will need to be more vocal about my concerns, and not to forget to ask about x, y, or z at each visit. (I sometimes did that at my last hospital, but it was not so bad because I knew I'd have the next appt soon.)

also, I don't know what I'll do about job. but I'll figure it out in time... Tokyo is so competitive. My Japanese skills have fallen cause I haven't been working. I will opt for part-time work. I could study Japanese properly full-time a language school, but I don't want to do something so intense. Cause also, maybe I don't want to stay in Japan.

my mom said she thinks Japan is not the place for me anymore. she sees bow I can't keep up with the language... and she herself lived out this issue in the US, where her English was never fluent enough to land her a good job.

I came here to Japan to get to know my relatives better while improving my Japanese... then since 2020, they've been passing away one by one :(

My own parents are older, too. They're quite difficult compared to my Japanese relatives, but maybe I will regret not spending more time with them.

anyways, first things first. I'm moving across the country to be close to a relative.

I am more stable now, better equipped with knowledge of bipolar and self reflections on my own state. I notice how my moods tend to fluctuate, how deep & destructive my negative state can be. And what type of behaviors are good, which ones I should avoid... Even if Im not perfect in practice.

But also, even though i only reach hypomania, it has had damaging effects on my life. my doctors and family don't see it, but I know, I know, I know... i'm too ashamed to tell anyone so far but i can't keep hiding it.

anyways, here's to moving forward. it's not a typical exciting move or transition, but one in a safer direction 💚

#actually bipolar #neurodivergent #mental health in Japan #hypomania

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mlmxreader · 8 months

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Hiya!!!!! How is my treasured writer doing?

Okay first, I read your update.... that sounds super overwhelming and I'm sending nothing but love and positive vibes your way, my friend. Glad to see some improvement in your living situation and I sincerely hope that everything will end up working out and that you continue to remain safe 🖤.

Secondly.... I'm mad at you!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU TOO HAVE BEEN THIRSTING OVER MR. JAMES KEZIAH FUCKING DELANEY?!?! Goodness me he and fucking Alfie will literally send me to an early grave. And can we expect the brooding man to be added to the list 👀👀👀? Because if so.... hehe... you will definitely be seeing the man in the next round.

Third, NEVER apologize for not being able to get to the requests! As I've said, take all the time in the world, I'm not going anywhere 🖤.

Finally, life is happening and it may be a little bit before you hear from me again. It's going to be super chaotic for the next few weeks and I don't know how much free time I'll really have so if you don't hear from me, that's why. But it's a good chaotic, stressful, anxiety inducing but still good.

Always keeping you in my thoughts, stay safe, as well as you can be and I'll talk to you later, my friend!

🖤🖤🖤

🐍anon

good afternoon!!!! I'm okay, very tired and my feet hurt bc my morning shift went over massively 🫠 but I'll live lmfao I've got a few days off coming up soon and although I'd like the money, I do need to rest. my psychiatrist has sorted it so that I can get some stuff at the food bank when needed, so at least food security isn't something I need to worry about as much!

okay, first: thank you. it's still a massive struggle atm, but at least there's a roof over my head for now and my animals are safe. hopefully he'll see sense at some point and he'll let me stay until I can get the money to leave and find somewhere permanent, but that's still in the air atm, unfortunately.

second: I DID MAKE 2 POSTS ABOUT IT!!! I DID!!! but yeah, the anti-capitalist, anti-colonial, anti-imperial Delaney......... commie daddy 2.0. but uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh you uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh may wanna check the list again 👀 yk.... for science reasons.

third: thank you. it just sucks atm that I can't bc I WANT to, but I'm so fucking tired and exhausted from work that it's even gotten to the point where my feet are hurting and my shoulders ache. I'm being put through the fucking wars atm, like, I've lost count of the bruises I've gotten and the blisters and callouses and the fucking grazes. hopefully tho, I can write on my days off and when I'm only doing 1 shift! I just gotta get the copy of September's rota and find out.

finally: that's absolutely okay!!! I hope you can find respite and some calm amongst the chaos and that, above all else, you remember to look after yourself - even if that means just getting a cheap, greasy takeaway to settle down after a hard week. especially if it means getting that bc a cheap, greasy takeaway is the fucking best. I'm glad it'll be good, but if it ever gets to the point where you gotta vent about something, you can always hmu here or on discord! if I don't answer, it's usually bc I'm either working or I'm doing something w intensive labour lmfao

we'll talk soon, remember to look after yourself and remember to never justify getting something to treat yourself with !!

#asks #🐍 anon

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thoughtsonchronicpain · 9 months

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8/15/2023 (early morning)

Why am I crumbling now? It's been months of pain in my back and over a year of discomfort in my throat. Why is it now that I cry every night, only to fall asleep once I've fully exhausted myself?

I feel like I've reached a breaking point. I don't even know how I've gone this long without breaking like this. It feels so sudden. Why now?

I'm not sure how many people will see my posts, but it feels good to put my thoughts out there.

I'm scared. I'm scared of breaking even further.

It's strange that these days my longing for escape from my body is not motivated by depression. My body and mind are once again at war, but this time I want to escape my body, rather than my mind. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

But it's not that simple. The body and mind are too interconnected for it to be that simple.

All I know is that I am in pain and I want it to stop. I want it to stop so, so badly.

How am I supposed to live like this? I'm not asking that because I think that this pain will last forever. I am not future-oriented enough for that. I'm asking because I know that right now I am hurting. I'm asking because tomorrow I'll be hurting, and I have to go to the grocery store. I have to go to Target. I have to commute to Manhattan from Brooklyn for physical therapy.

I wish I could go home and be with a family that brings me comfort, but I'm not sure if I have that. It would be nice to be fed and not have to worry about little day-to-day stressors (that are much bigger when you're constantly in pain), like going to the grocery store or Target. But my parents aren't in New York, and I have to be here for PT and my many doctor's appointments. Maybe Dad can stay in New York instead of Colorado this fall.

But then I wouldn't be with my roommates. I love my roommates. I would feel so lonely without them, so far away from them.

I guess I can't have both. I can't have the more physical support and comfort of being with my parents, and the emotional support and comfort of being with my roommates.

Why are the pain and discomfort getting to me now? I don't think it's because we broke up. It could be because I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a three weeks and I won't be seeing her for the next three weeks either. But we didn't even talk about my pain and discomfort that much.

I'm scared. I'm scared at how fast my attitude has changed. I'm scared of what could happen if it deteriorates further.

Not to be that bitch, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Am I wallowing? It's absurd to be this upset all of the time, but also I am in pain ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME. So maybe it's not so absurd. But it is exhausting. It's all so exhausting.

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radxianixe · 10 months

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THEY COULD PRESCRIBE YOU ANY ILLNESS YOU'D LIKE IF YOU DEFINE THE TERMS OF YOUR AILMENT. YOU COULD SING A PRETTY MALADY LIKE A BLACK CANARY, BUT A CROW DON'T KNOW THE SMELL OF CARBON MONOXIDE. HOW MANY YEARS HAVE YOU BEEN ON THAT COUCH? THEY COULD'VE QUILT'D YOU IN THE THROWS BY NOW. YOU DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND—WHERE IT ENDS AND YOU BEGIN—BUT THE TIDE ROLLS IN SO... WHO KNOWS? OH WELL. AND A LITTLE IDENTITY NEVER HURT NOBODY, BUT LATELY YOU'VE BEEN FOCUSING TOO MUCH ON YOURSELF. SO HOW MANY MILLIGRAMS OF YOU ARE STILL LEFT IN THERE? 'CAUSE BACK IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T NEED NO FEEL-GOOD PILLS AND NO PSYCHIATRISTS. NO, WE JUST DRANK OURSELVES TO DEATH... AND GODDAMMIT, WE LIKED IT! WHO MAKES THE CALL, WHAT'S A SYMPTOM WHAT'S A FLAW? CAN IT BE BOTH? WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT'S AN ANSWER. WOULD YOU GIVE UP YOUR HUMANITY FOR JUST A TOUCH OF SANITY? 'CAUSE GOD KNOWS IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S CANCER! AND GOOD NEWS TO THE PURISTS: THEY'VE DISCOVERED A CURE FOR ALL THE SYMPTOMS OF BEING ALIVE. IT'S A PAINLESS PROCEDURE WITH A LOW RATE OF FAILURE, BUT VERY FEW PATIENTS SURVIVE! AND A LITTLE CONFORMITY NEVER HURT NOBODY, BUT LATELY I'VE BEEN WORRIED THAT YOU'RE LOSING YOURSELF. SO HOW MANY MILLIGRAMS OF YOU ARE STILL LEFT IN THERE? WOAH—'CAUSE BACK IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T NEED NO FEEL-GOOD PILLS AND NO PSYCHIATRISTS. NO, WE JUST BLED OUT IN OUR BATH... AND GODDAMMIT WE LIKED IT! DOCTOR, WHAT'S MY PROGNOSIS IF THE STUDY SHOWS THAT DISEASE IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER? TELL ME "SO IT GOES." WE DEPRESS TO IMPRESS, I GUESS, IN LAYER AFTER LAYER TO GET OFF OUR CHESTS. IT'S COLD OUT NOW, WE CAN TAKE IT OFF LATER. BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY, AND WE BOTH KNOW THE DANGER. SO DOCTOR, COULD YOU RUN ANOTHER TEST? GOT A FEELING THAT THIS TIME I MIGHT JUST PASS IT. WELL, IF YOU RAISE THE AVERAGE. WE ALL SING WHEN THE BELL CURVE RINGS IN LYRICS SYMPTOMATIC OF THE WAY WE THINK. IF OUR HARMONIES DON'T SYNC, WE CAN CHANGE OUR VOICES. A CHORUS ON CONDITION OF OUR DIAGNOSIS. 'CAUSE BACK IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T NEED NO FEEL-GOOD PILLS AND NO PSYCHIATRISTS. WHAT CAN I SAY EXCEPT, "I'LL HEED NO EVIL WILLS OF MORAL NIHILISTS?" I SAID, "BACK IN THE DAYS OF LOBOTOMIES AND SHOCK THERAPY AND MAD SCIENTISTS—" OH, DON'T YOU MAKE ME WASTE MY BREATH... GODDAMMIT! Ain't your youdentity at stake? Does aspirin kill you with the pain? You're not your thoughts, you're not your brain, you're just the character you've made. Up in your head, down in your heart, what seem like separate body parts come together to believe they're you and not just chemistry. It's not the way that you were raised or what the advertisements say. Not what you pay for, what you pray for, what you want, and what you say. And I see your tendency to redefine disease but what you need, and I'm afraid I can't prescribe the diagnosis that you seek. But something tells me that you need—Forgive me now if I misspeak. But something tells me that you like it. Something tells me you prefer to be sitting there flipping through those old issues of people. Well, that's our time, see you next week!

#i get in moods. sometimes.

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theboysfromaustin · 1 year

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August 19, 2024

"You really think he's ready?"

"Yeah…I do. He's just…a bit sensitive…" They looked in on him, loading his backpack up, finishing with a ratty blanket, which he hugged tightly before putting it in. He put his Bluey backpack on, shuffling up to his dads. "Ready, buddy?" "Yeah…" "Love you, Ian, I'll see you tonight. Your granddads will pick you up after school."

Ian sighed, Dermot leading him to the car and buckling him in. "You okay?" "I wish grandpa Ian was here." "I know. We all do " The boy sank into his seat, blinking back tears. He felt worse as they pulled up and Dermot led him to his classroom, which was brightly colored and mostly plastic.

He slumped into a plastic chair, backpack between his legs. Dermot hugged him gently, "Bí cróga, fear beag." Ian nodded, staring at the floor. He barely heard his teacher, moving on autopilot through various activities until nap time, when he was allowed to stretch out on an uncomfortable mat, with his threadbare, faded blanket, eyes shut, inhaling deeply.

"Your blanket is gross."

He tensed up immediately, "What?" "It's icky. So you're gross, too." Ian sat up, immediately defensive, "My grandpa Ian gave me this blanket." "So? It's nasty." That got Ian to his feet. "We don't stand up during nap time!" He kept his feet, "My grandpa….he…" He fought back tears, the other boy now grinning, taunting,

"Your grandpa must not have liked you, then 'cause it's ugly."

Dermot looked down as his phone chimed, "Hello?" "Mr. Byrne-Larsson, could you come pick up Ian? There's been an incident." "Incident?!" "No injury to him, just…" "Ah….damn…um, his grandfathers will be there shortly to fetch him." He sighed, staring at the wall of the psychiatrist's office before dialing Gav.

Kazuo picked up, "Hey, red. Uhhh…did we….miss the pickup time? Thought it wasn't…" "Ah, no, that was the right time, there's been an…incident…they wouldn't talk over the phone. Can you guys get him? Find out stuff? I'm waiting on a doctor's appointment, and I'm in Round Rock." "Yeah, we will, bye Dermot." Kazuo set the phone down, worried. "Who was that?" "Hey, we must go pick up the small child." "Bit early?" "Incident." "Always incidents in our family." "Our family motto is basically, 'There's been an incident.'" Gav chuckled, "Let's go."

Ian stared at the floor, heel tapping the leg of the chair, blanket held close. The door to the office opened, "Ian?" Gav and Kazuo entered. "Mr. and Mr. Mitsuwa-Gabriel?" "Yes." Kazuo sat next to Ian, who immediately latched onto him, "What happened, kid?" "He headbutted another boy in the face." "Attaboy!" "Kazuo! Um, what was the reason?" "Seems the other boy was making fun of his blanket." "Oh…" Gav sighed, "Yeah…his grandfather….our partner...Ian gave him that as a baby. He…" Gav trailed off.

"He died last month," Kazuo finished, "We were all very close." "Oh…well, that explains it…we still have to send him home for a couple days, let him cool down." Kazuo bit his lip to keep from giving his opinion. "Alright, c'mon, Ian." They settled into the car, Kazuo in the back seat, arm around him, "We're not mad, and I don't think your dads will be, either." "He said my blanket was gross…and that grandpa Ian didn't like me…" Kazuo felt like his heart was in a vice, and he looked to Gav.

"That's not true." "Yeah, the day your dads brought you home, he took us out and bought a ton of stuff for you, but that blanket - Ian had it custom-made for you. He loved you so much." "I miss him…" Kazuo pulled him closer, tears streaming down his cheek. Gav bit his lip, trying not to cry, eyes on the road. "You know what, Ian?" "What, grandpa Kazuo?" "I got in a big fight in kindergarten with a kid who I thought was my friend, and I got suspended for a whole week."

"Wow…" "First day back after my mom died. My dad…" He held his tongue, not wanting to scare Ian with how he'd been beaten, "He wasn't happy…blamed me…" "I don't think I like preschool…" Gav turned onto Guadalupe, Kazuo looking up and catching his eye, immediately understanding. He smiled at Ian, "That's rough, buddy, so we're gonna go get some ice cream." "I didn't eat lunch yet." Kazuo threw his head back with a laugh, "Lunch is overrated. Ice cream is better. Has all the vitamins you need."

That got a smile from him.

Kazuo leaned in, "You know what? You can get a large, and all the crush-ins you want." "Really?!" "Yeah! You know, this is the first place you tried ice cream. You were about one, Ian had a dish of sweet cream with Ritz crackers and peanut butter cups and you just grabbed a big ol' handful and shoved it in your mouth, then into his!" "Was he mad?" "Mad? Never! He started laughing so hard he was crying! Then you just started yelling and slapping your hands on the table, absolutely covered in ice cream until you finished the whole dish."

"Hehe…"

"Don't let anyone ever say he didn't love you." "Ian loved being a dad, and I think he loved being a grandpa more." "Remember how he'd get on the floor with you and then not be able to get up?" "Yeah! And the one time we were outside and he got fire ants in his hair!" "Oh man, he was itchy for a week!" Gav grinned as he turned into the lot. "What are you gonna get?" "Gay bomb." "Oooh. I'm gonna get the salty dog. What are you getting, Ian?" "Sweet cream with Reese's and Ritz! What's a gay bomb and a salty dog?" "Sweet cream with rainbow sprinkles, M&Ms, Fruity Pebbles and gummy bears." "Belgian chocolate with sea salt, coconut and Biscoff."

"Sounds good!" They got in and ordered, settling into a booth with their ice creams, Kazuo leaning on Gav. "This is good! I see why I went crazy as a baby!"

Dermot sighed, leaving his psych's office, updated prescription in hand, "Another year, more pills…" He wondered how Ian was doing, and as he stepped out of the office, he groaned as he saw how gridlocked I-35 southbound was. He was happy he and Anders had Kazuo and Gav to rely on. He settled into his car and dialed his phone.

Gav's phone rang, just as they were climbing the steps of the porch, "Hello?" "Hey, guys, how's Ian?" Kazuo led the boy inside. "Doing well, we had ice cream." "What, um…happened?" Gav sat on the porch swing, "Welll, another boy started making fun of his blanket." "Oh boy." "He, um…headbutted the other kid…in the face…." Dermot groaned, "Oh boy, we got the headbutt kid…"

"He was justified, though." "I know, the other kid sounds like a dick." Gav sighed, sinking into the seat, "This would be easier if Ian were still here." "I know." "How's Anders holding up? Really? He looks pretty okay when we see him, but…" Dermot was silent for a moment, "He tries to act fine, but he cries himself to sleep. Losing another parent really hurt him. He and Kazuo opened their home to him and loved him. If…Kazuo…"

"I get it…and he has a lot of health issues…I hate thinking about it…" "He hides it well." "He tries, but part of his ribs are reconstructed, he has spine issues, partial lung capacity on the left, one kidney, his right eye socket is damaged, hip issues…" "Didn't realize it was that bad…" "The only thing that keeps him moving forward some days is his heart." "He's got such a big heart…his love for others is so great…." Gav glanced in the window at Kazuo and Ian, who were at the coffee table, drawing, and felt his heart swell with love, "He's drawing with Ian right now." "Young Ian's lucky…" "Huh?" "He gets to keep growing up with you two." "I wish Ian were here for it."

"I know…but he has you guys to keep his memory alive…" "We'll try. We have to." "Thanks for picking him up. It's gonna be a while…a long while…before I can get down there, gonna try and cut to 183 and escape the 35 bullshit." "Good luck. And don't worry, we'll look after the boy." "Thanks, I'd best get driving, it's gonna suck," he hung up with a sigh,

"Ba mhian leat a bheith anseo, a Ian."

Gav stepped inside, into the front hallway, eyes shut. He looked over at the dining room, where Martha was asleep, fully expecting to see Ian watering the plants on the windowsill. The redhead sighed, heading into the living room, where he plopped onto the threadbare old couch. "Grandpa Gav, come draw with us!" "Ah, I'm not great at drawing." "C'mon, red, try," Kazuo offered up a piece of paper, and Gav grinned, settling in on the other side of young Ian, "What are you two drawing?"

"Martha!"

"All of us. Back when the boy was a baby."

Gav's eyes misted up as he put his pencil to paper, working out a rough sketch. "What are you drawing?" Ian leaned on Gav's arm. "The dogs that saved me." "Dogs?" Kazuo looked up, "Boy doesn't know about your dogs?" "I dunno, maybe…no. No, I guess I never did…" "I wanna hear about the dogs!" "Hey, when you get back to preschool, you can tell your classmates about your granddads - Kazuo the survivor, Gav the dog-man, and Ian, the greatest lawyer in the world."

"Yeah!"

"Alright, we've got a lot of stories to cover before your dad gets home. A long, long time ago, when I was just a teenager, I lived way up north in the city of Detroit…"

#oc #original character

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strikethematch18 · 1 year

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I've been MIA for quite a stretch of time and I apologize. Things have just been really bad on my end for a while and finally built up to a few hours ago.

Not that this matters to the people of the internet but I relapsed in sh. I was clean for over a year this time and I have a lot of feelings about it. I'm not proud, there's a huge possibility I'm going to continue to relapse. I'm going to try not to fall back into those habits. It's not healthy but for those very brief moments I had more control than I have for the last few months.

I've also been incredibly busy with life. My anxiety has reared its ugly head. And now the depression has also made an overwhelming appearance. I stopped going to classes. I stopped doing coursework. What started to break me was my mom hinting to me over a phone call a few days that I was lazy. Her disappointed tone earlier broke me. I feel guilty because her worrying about me shouldn't be a problem, she has enough on her plate. But I've been guilt tripped for that too. So in those few moments of relapse I felt control and was able to release just a little bit of that mental pain into something physical.

I know just as much as the next person that outlook isn't healthy. What I did and how I feel about it isn't healthy. I fell back into an old habit and it's going to be hard to get myself back out again, after all it's a lot easier to restart the clock at a few days or even hours compared to weeks months or even years. But I also know that despite the advice of who I see in my psychiatrists office's guidance of seeking a counselor, I don't have time to fit that in. I know I need it. Tonight solidified that. I want help. But I can't have it. Because I don't have the time to prioritize my mental health. So my answer is to drown until I maybe have the opportunity. Again, not healthy.

I eat something small maybe once a day anymore. Because I once again, lack time, but also because of other reasons. I'm not hungry, I have 0 appetite, hard to eat when you don't feel the need to. But restricting is also another form of unhealthy control. My relationship with food has never been good, and I mean never. I've been a part of diet culture probably since just just after being a toddler. I have and have had a negative body image for practically my whole life. But right now that relationship with food is worse again.

My eyes are dark and dull and when I can manage a smile it definitely doesn't reach my eyes. I'm terrified that when I go home for Thanksgiving someone is going to catch on and know. I'm back to crying alone in my room at night. Silently sobbing in the shower. Breaking down in my car in a near empty parking lot.

The one person I want to talk to about this is my dad. But I'm terrified because he'll tell my mom and I can't do that to her. I just want one of those hugs he gives and I feel safe and loved and as childish as this sounds, I just want my daddy. I can't tell my friends because they'll tell my parents and I can't do that to them. I'll be a burden so I will drown in silence. I have been made to feel like a burden too many times both in the past and recently to not believe it.

Seeing myself like this scares me. I'm hoping to fit in some reading and writing in there because right now, that's the only thing bringing me just a little sliver of happiness.

I'm sorry for the nature and content of this post. But I needed the moment of transparency of saying it all. I know it's unlikely someone will read this, but that doesn't matter; what matters is that for the first time in months I've said how I feel and what has been pent up.

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randomshyperson · 3 years

Text

Wanda Maximoff x Reader - Sorry for your loss - Part II "I will try"

Serie Masterlist here || Part I || Read on AO3

Summary: When your wife Natasha passes away in a car accident, a part of you dies with her. It takes a few months of mourning for your psychiatrist thinks the best alternative is for you to join a grief group. And there you meet Wanda Maximoff, and learn to live again.

Warnings: (+16) mentions of death, panic attacks and anxiety, grief, self sabotage, mentions of abusive family background, mutual attraction pining, explicit consent, therapeutic conversations about death, self-deprecation, healthy methods of coping with grief, possible triggers about anxiety, domestic Wanda, hurtful behaviors.

Tag list: @imapotatao / @aimezvousbrahms/ @ensorcellme/ @helloalycia / @mionemymind / @abimess / @stephanieromanoff / @yourtaletotell / @tomy5girls / @justagaypanicking / @thegayw1tch

//-//

Chapter II - I will try

You hate waking up.

Because your bed is empty on the right side.

Grumbling slightly, you push the covers away from your body and get up, running your hand over your face.

It is therapy day.

After brushing your teeth and putting on a sweatshirt that smells like fabric softener, you walked downstairs.

"Good morning, honey." Your mother greeted you as soon as you entered the kitchen, a cup of coffee in her hands. You mumbled the greeting back, walking over to the cabinets. She let out a disgruntled exclamation when she saw you take out a box of cereal. "As much as I think it's great that you're eating again, why don't you try something healthier today? I'm getting worried about the amount of sugar you're taking in these last few days."

You rolled your eyes, but obeyed as you put the package back in the cupboard. Ever since you regained your appetite, your meals, especially in the morning, consist of sweet things. Bread, cereals, and even chocolate. You were eating again, but the chance of diabetes was very high.

"Do you need a ride?" Your mother asks a moment later, when you are already sitting at the table, pouring yourself some orange juice.

"Agatha thinks I should try the subway."

"And what do you think?"

You laughed humorlessly.

"That's a new one." You retorted without taking your eyes off the newspaper in front of you. "Someone asking what I think."

Your mother sighs.

"Don't be like that." She says and then rises to kiss your forehead, the car keys in her hand. "Call me if you need anything."

You bite your tongue, stopping yourself from whispering the words "I need my wife," because you didn't want to cry over coffee.

After eating, you looked around. You hated empty houses. So you hurried to get your wallet and left after locking the door.

//-//

With headphones, the subway was not so scary.

The music on the latest volume muffled the ambient noises very well. And even with a fast heartbeat, you managed to walk correctly, and keep your breathing under control until you reached the city downtown.

You walked from the station toward the building where the therapy was taking place, humming softly the music you were listening to.

Startled slightly when someone touched your shoulder, you turned, only to see Bucky standing beside you, smiling gently. You took off your headphones, moving away from his touch, he didn't seem to notice.

"I called you a few times, but I don't think you heard me under the headsets." He commented amiably. "I think we came from the same subway."

"Okay." You said simply, not knowing what to add to this conversation. Bucky smiled however, and you started walking side by side.

"You know, if we arrange the time, we could come here together next time" He says and you frown slightly. "I wish I had someone to laugh at my comments about the man in the cowboy hat who hangs out at the Sixth Avenue station." He jokes and you force a smile, trying to think of how to decline the invitation. But then you remember how Agatha insisted that you make new friends, and you are letting the words of agreement escape your mouth. "Really? I'm glad you like the idea then. We can meet in any of the first stations and come the rest of the way together."

"That'll be great." You mutter to the man who smiles contentedly.

When you arrive, Bucky waves to a few people and says he will say hello, so you walk into the gym alone.

You try not to feel so nervous about your first session with a therapy partner.

//-//

Stephen is almost late. He apologizes to everyone even though he didn't, saying that he had a minor conflict in traffic. You were already sitting in the circle, waiting for the meeting to start, when the other people came in and sat down.

Wanda sat in the chair in front of you, and you smiled awkwardly at her, who repeated the gesture before looking away from you to Stephen.

"I hope you all had a good week" Stephen began next. "Today I will be handing out the schedule of duo activities, and I expect all of you to accomplish these goals within six to eight months. Of course, no pressure." He jokes last, making the group laugh. You frown, because you are curious what kind of activities these are. "Jessica, take one and pass it to the side, please.”

Stephen asked handing some papers to one of the girls in the group who was sitting next to him. As each member took one, Stephen again spoke of the importance of communication between pairs, and how he would like to monitor everyone's progress closely. You stopped paying attention when the paper came into your hands, focused on reading the words.

Your hand rises in the air a moment later.

"Y/N, do you have a question?" Stephen asked as he interrupted his own speech when he saw your hand. You had your heart racing when you asked.

"It says drive a car here." You replied looking at him. "I don't... I don't drive."

You know that some members exchanged glances with each other, but you kept staring at Stephen.

"You can leave this activity for last. At the end of the treatment....

"No." You interrupted with a dry laugh, running your hands through your hair. "I'm not driving. I don't..."

"Would you like to share why that is?" Stephen asks tenderly, and you look around. Everyone looks at you curiously, and you feel your face heat up. Then you stare at the paper in front of you. Taking a deep breath, you try not to crumple the paper so hard as you tell it.

"My wife died in a car accident." You narrate, trying not to be bothered by people holding their breath for your confession. It was awkward to talk about it, and it was even more overwhelming to deal with the reactions of others. "I was driving, and... I can't anymore since the accident." You explain. "It's like I'm back in the car again."

You fall silent, unable to hold back your tears. The group says "thank you for sharing" next, startling you slightly. Stephen smiles at you as you look at him.

"Would you like to add anything else?"

"I would like you to tell me that I won't need to do that."

Stephen laughed. And then he denied it with his head.

"It's the opposite of that actually." He says. "I think you do need it. Maybe more than anyone else here."

You sighed, looking down. He spoke again after that, but you paid no further attention.

//-//

You swallowed your nervousness when Stephen called for the pairs to begin the first exercise.

Getting up and walking over to Wanda, you kept your gaze on the floor.

"We're going to try blind trust today." Stephen explained as he opened a small box, and began handing out black blindfolds to the pairs. He handed one to you. "You will blindfold your partner, and lead them around the gym for two minutes. And then switch who is blindfolded and repeat."

You blinked in confusion, taking one last look at the object in your hands.

"Right." You mumble, raising your eyes to the woman in front of you. "May I?"

Wanda hesitates a second, but then she nods. You turn around her, placing the blindfold under her eyes gently, and tying it to the back of her head. Wanda holds her breath momentarily, probably getting used to the lack of visibility.

" Can I hold your hands?" You ask softly as you circle her again, watching her blindfolded face. She looks... cute. The same second the thought hits you, you push it out.

"Yes." Wanda sighs raising her hands at chest height. You smile, interlacing your hands together.

"Well, we were in the circle, right?" You begin. "Come this way so you don't bump into the chairs."

Guiding Wanda through the gym, you stand close and with your hands interlocked so that she doesn't get scared of bumping into something. You catch a quick glance at Bucky, who was guiding his own partner as he passes your side.

Two minutes later, you exchange.

You hold your breath when the blindfold is on your eyes, but Wanda's hand is soft as she guides you around.

When you stumble slightly because you thought she said right instead of left, it's the first time in six months that you really laugh. It's short and quick, but it's a real laugh. Wanda laughs too, squeezing your hand lightly to get you back on the right path.

You feel a little lighter when the activity is over.

"I liked today." You comment with a shy smile after the meeting is over, and you and Wanda walk out of the place together. She smiles in agreement.

"Yeah, me too." She says. "Now we only have another twenty-four activities ahead of us."

You let out a nasal laugh, putting your hands in your pockets.

"About the homework, I can meet you when you have time." You start to say, remembering the information in the booklet, and how you probably had much more free time than a mother, and it would be kinder for you to follow whatever schedule Wanda had. "You can text me anytime you are free."

She looks slightly surprised at your words, and looks down at the floor a moment before speaking again.

"Actually, I'm free now." She says, and it is your turn to be surprised. Seeing your expression, she quickly adds. "But it's okay if you're not, or if you don't want to..."

"No, it's fine." You interrupt with a lopsided smile. "I can. I'd... uh... I would like to too."

Wanda nods frantically, and then you are silent for a moment, before turning shyly toward the street, walking side by side.

"What are we going to do first?" You ask looking forward. Wanda bites her lips, thoughtful.

"Are you hungry?"

Not much, but you don't tell her that. You just shrug, and Wanda smiles, saying that you could try the lesson of sharing a meal together.

This is how you end up in a cafeteria for lunch.

Wanda is sitting on the bench in front of you when she speaks again.

"So...do you want to have a normal conversation or do you want to follow the script of questions?"

You blink in surprise, and give a short laugh.

"Wait, is that for real?" You ask fiddling with your pockets, Wanda looks at you curiously. You take out the pamphlet you got in class, then read the back, and let out a giggle. "I hadn't seen that part. Wow, that would have been so helpful at so many times in my life."

Wanda smiles, watching you read the pamphlet.

"So you're not good at talking to people huh?"

You place the flyer on the table, looking at her.

"Are you?"

"No." She says shrugging. "Socializing has always been much more my brother's thing than mine."

You make a noise with your mouth in agreement, and Wanda's cell phone on the table vibrates. She lowers her gaze to the device, and lets out a light sigh.

"Speaking of him." She mutters as she raises her finger to the screen. She reads the notification, but does not touch the device again.

"I would like to have a brother." You count next, and Wanda looks at you. "I think it would be nice to have someone growing up together with me. Sometimes it's pretty lonely being an only child."

"I'll lend you mine if you want." Wanda teases with a smile, and you laugh lightly, looking away momentarily.

" How many siblings do you have?"

"Two." She counters. "Pietro is my twin. And the youngest is Lorna."

"How are they like?"

Wanda sighs, thoughtfully.

"Pietro is loud and nosy. And Lorna is blunt and judgmental." She says and you nod in understanding, but Wanda adds a second later, smiling, "They're amazing, really. Pietro is...very caring. He looks after the boys for me. And Lorna lives in Sokovia, but she's always calling and asking how we are, as well as visiting whenever she can."

"That seems nice." You reply. The waitress attends you two next, and after ordering, you both wait in silence for a while.

"Why haven't you asked me about my loss yet?" Wanda asks suddenly, and you look away from the wordplay that was drawn on the table to look at her with a frown.

"What do you mean?"

"I shared my loss with the group the week before you joined us." She counters. "You never asked me who I lost."

"Do you want me to ask?"

"I don't know." She replies staring at you as a mixture of confusion and surprise. "It's just... that's usually the first thing people want to know."

You nod looking away.

"Well, I just want you to tell me whatever you want to tell me." You say. "I know very well what that feels like. I don't think I could talk to any of the people I know without them asking me about Nat every time they saw me."

Wanda makes a noise with her mouth of understanding, and you fall silent again. She checks her messages next and makes a slight grimace, you can't hold your curiosity and let the words "everything okay?" escape your lips.

"Yeah, it's just... Monica." She sighs running her hands through her hair. She types something next, and looks up at you. "Monica is my brother's wife, She is... pushy."

"How so?"

"She just...she wants to help. But she wants too much, you know?" Wanda begins. "She has the best of intentions, but she just suffocates me sometimes." She counters by tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, as you look at her intently. "She lost her mother when she was younger. And since... since Vis died she just... she wants me to talk to her about it. But I can't."

You nod in acknowledgement, hesitating between what to say next, because the mention of this Vis guy seems to have left Wanda quite shaken, as she quickly wipes a tear from running down her cheek. She forces a smile, shaking her head.

"Sorry about that. It's not the best thing to cry at our first lunch." She then remarks, and you smile shrugging your shoulders.

"Don't worry, I can cry at the next one and then we'll be even." You retort and Wanda laughs. You like the sound more than you should.

When your food arrives, you and Wanda thank the waitress and talk again the next moment.

"Accordingly to this, what is our first question?" Wanda asks you nodding lightly to the pamphlet you have left on the table. You eat one of your fries as you look at it.

You lower your hand to the paper, and then let out a chuckle as you actually read the questions.

" This is ridiculous." You observe, making Wanda look at you curiously. "All the questions are death related, see: If you died, how would you like people to remember you?" You read. "Or, what song would you like played at your funeral. My god, this is a joke." You grumble as you fold the flyer, and put it back in your pocket while Wanda giggles. You look back at her next. "I am decreeing that we will not talk about death on our outings, Mrs. Maximoff. It's a rule."

Wanda smiles at you, agreeing.

"Wanda." She then adds and you look at her with confusion. "You don't have to call me Mrs. Maximoff. Wanda is fine."

You smile, nodding in agreement.

"So, Wanda, where do you live?" You ask with interest in your voice, biting into your burger next.

"Queens." She replies. "Two blocks past Bucky's apartment, who lives in Brooklyn."

"You are friends then?"

"Yeah, he's the one who introduced me to the group." She explains as you eat together. She chews some of her salad before speaking again. "And you?"

"Staten Island." You retort. "But it's actually my mother's house. My apartment is in the Bronx."

Wanda doesn't pressure you to tell her why you are living with your mother. A part of you thinks she knows why, but you are grateful that she just waits for you to share what you want, just as you do with her.

"What do you work with?" she asks next, and you sigh, biting back a smile.

"Nothing at the moment." You say, and she frowns with confusion. "It's just that I write. I’m actually a writer. With a publisher and everything. But, I'm not writing anything right now."

"I don't think I've ever met a writer before." She comments with a smile. "Do you like it?"

You look away, playing with your fries.

"I used to." You confess, but not wanting to make the conversation sad, you quickly add. "What about you? What do you work with?"

"I own a flower shop." She tells and you let out a low exclamation, finding it amazing. "I haven't been going there much lately, but I like it. It's always been what I've wanted to do since I was little."

"I'd like to visit someday."

Wanda smiles, assenting.

You spend lunch talking about the most diverse subjects. It is the lightest you have felt in a long time. Wanda tells you about her family, you learn that she lives in a big house with her two twin five-year-old sons, Billy and Tommy, and that her father was spending time with her since she lost Vis, who you figure is her husband, because Stephen mentioned that you had things in common, and it's not hard to connect the dots, even if she doesn't talk about it.

She also tells you that Pietro and Monica are helping the flower shop to keep running, and that Wanda's children love to stay at their house because Wanda's niece, Luna, is the same age as the boys.

She tells you some of her tastes, and you do the same. You both smile when you discover that you used to study at the same college, but Wanda graduated a few years before you.

When you leave the restaurant, you are not quite sure how to say goodbye to Wanda, but you don't mind her kissing your cheek and telling you that she enjoyed her lunch. You enjoyed it too, much more than you expected. She nods and turns away, and it takes a moment for you to do the same.

//-//

You decide to fix the broken screen of your cell phone.

It is because you now receive notifications of messages from Wanda, and you want to read them correctly so as not to get confused with the locations of your meetings for group activities.

You also enjoy the company of Bucky Barnes now. The first time you went to therapy together, it's a little awkward because you didn’t quite knew what to say, but he was friendly and kind, and you learned to trust him. Soon it becomes easy to share and laugh at his jokes.

In the second week with grieving pairs, Stephen brings in question and answer games. You and Wanda do very well, because it is surprisingly easy and comfortable to talk to her. You don't have lunch together, but she invites you to have coffee with her the next day, and it is very nice to see her out of therapy for once.

In the third week, you cook together. Stephen contacts a local restaurant owned by a friend, which is closed for the day, and they lend their kitchen. You and Wanda try to bake some cookies, and as you work together, the job is decent. It is probably because Wanda is a much better cook than you, and you are happy to obey whatever she tells you to do. You have lunch together again, and you find yourself suggesting that you do this whenever possible, and Wanda smiles when she agrees.

In the fourth week, there are obstacle competitions in the group. It's noisy, and it requires physical effort, but it's fun. It's the first month, so Stephen wants to see how everyone is progressing. It's only when he talks to you that you realize all the positive changes that have been happening.

You have been eating properly, and going for walks. Your nightmares have stopped since you started texting with Wanda, because she is usually busy all day and can only text at night. There is still work to be done, because you still can't talk about everything. You are still not sharing as you should, and you haven't gone back to work. But Stephen is proud, and he hands you a little progress brooch.

"I think you guys can start with the activities outside the group." Stephen suggests as soon as you accept the brooch.

"What do you mean? We have lunch together every Wednesday." You count, and Stephen laughs through his nose.

"Yes, and this is excellent." He says. "But it's still after therapy. You and Wanda have been getting along well haven't you?"

You think about the lunches. Yes. It's been amazing. You nod in agreement, and Stephen smiles.

"Why don't you invite her over for something on the other days of the week?" He suggests and you frown thoughtfully. "You could try outings that you both enjoy. Or just get to know each other's family."

"Why would we go and meet each other's family?"

"Friends do that." He says and you sigh, feeling your heart racing slightly. "Take Bucky for example. I suggested that he and Sam move in together and..."

"Wow, I'm not moving in with anyone."

Stephen laughs, touching your shoulder gently.

"I didn't tell you to do that." He says. "It was just an example. What I mean, is that socialization outside of the therapeutic environment is essential. I'd like to see you having fun excluding the activities I put on here, too."

You sigh, agreeing. It's not really a bad thing, you like Wanda. It's just weird to let people into your life again.

When you tell Wanda about Stephen's idea, you get too anxious and fumble with the words. She laughs as she raises her hands to your shoulders, asking you to breathe and repeat. She thinks the idea is very good when she understands.

Then the next week, you go to Central Park. You walk together, drink juice, and talk. You thought you would make things awkward, and not have anything interesting to say to keep Wanda's attention, but she is kind and thoughtful, and pays attention to every word you say, and finds your jokes funny. And the next thing you know, you've been talking and walking for six hours, and she has to run because she has to pick up the boys from music class.

It didn't take long for you to establish a rhythm of outings. At least twice a week outside of the therapy day, you did something together. Be it walks, or trips to the park, or sharing a meal.

You didn't want to admit it, but Wanda became your favorite person very quickly.

//-//

It was February when you met Wanda's family.

Wanda invited you to the birthday party of Luna, Pietro's daughter. It was going to be the first party you had attended since Nat's death, and to say you were feeling anxious was an understatement. But as long as Wanda was by your side in the atmosphere, you thought you would be fine.

Your mother gave you a look of mixed surprise and pride when she saw you leaving the house in an outfit other than a sweatshirt, but she didn't say anything, and you hurried to catch the subway.

It took a while to get there, but when you did, there were already a few people around the house.

You took a deep breath, and walked to the front door that was open. It was a very nice house, and you tried to find Wanda as quickly as possible.

"Hey, you came!" It was Bucky, who saw you arriving from the kitchen. He was wearing a very nice set of jeans, and smiled encouragingly at you. The two people he talked to looked at you curiously, but Bucky hurried to introduce you as "a good friend of his and Wanda's" and you felt your cheeks blush. "This is my husband Sam and this is his sister, Sara."

You smiled politely as you greeted people.

"I'm looking for Wanda." You say to Bucky, and he makes a thoughtful expression for a few seconds.

"Try the garden, I think she was helping Pietro with the snacks." He says as he puts his hand on your shoulder, and turns you in the right direction. "Follow straight this way and you'll get there."

You thanked them and waved to the other two before heading outside.

It took two minutes to find Wanda. She found you actually.

"Hi." She greeted you shyly with a smile as she approached. You mimicked the gesture. "So glad you could make it."

Wanda hugged you quickly, and you were a complete mess. Disguisedly, you smiled awkwardly, telling her you were glad to be here and wished you could meet her brother.

"Pietro is upstairs changing Luna's dress. She spilled juice on the other one." She counters and you mumble in understanding. Wanda's gaze races around and then she lets out a low exclamation. "Come, let me introduce you to Monica."

"Hey, Mon, I want you to meet someone." Wanda says as soon as you two reach a woman at one of the outside tables, wearing a very pretty blue dress. She seemed to hand out some napkins on the table.

"This is your mystery friend I imagine." Says the woman cheerfully, extending her hand to greet you.

"Hi, thank you for having me." You say clumsily as you accept the greeting. Monica doesn't mind your clumsiness one bit, and smiles, and thanks you for the small package you hand her. You were always taught that one should bring a gift if you were going to the party after all.

"It's so nice to finally meet you honey." She says smiling. "Wanda won't stop saying how funny and entertaining you are."

You cast a glance at Wanda, who just has red cheeks as she looks away.

"Here comes Pietro." Monica then exclaims, waving to someone behind you. "Come on babe, it's Wanda's friend."

A tall man approaches you, a little girl on his lap wearing a princess dress.

"Hello." Pietro greeted you politely as he stood at his wife's side. "We finally met you. We were beginning to think Wanda made you up."

You let out a half-hearted laugh, and Wanda grumbles that suddenly everyone has decided to tease her with flushed cheeks.

"Daddy, can I go play now?" The little girl asked. She was adorable, and looked a lot like her parents.

"You'll be careful, right?" Pietro asked her. "No other princess dress for you."

The girl nods and Pietro sets her down after kissing her cheek.

"I need to greet the other guests, but make yourselves at home." Monica then said, touching your shoulder lightly before leaving. You thought she was very gentle.

For the next few minutes you were basically interrogated by Pietro, but in the most polite way he could manage. Wanda stayed by your side though, so you didn't bother to tell him what you did for a living, where you resided, or with whom. He was sensitive enough not to ask about who you lost, and you were very grateful for that.

"What's he doing here?" Wanda exclaimed suddenly, interrupting Pietro's talk about his job as a seller. She had her gaze in the opposite direction from where you were standing, and Pietro sighed.

"Wanda, it was a last-minute invitation." He began, and Wanda turned her head to him quickly, a mixed look of anger and hurt. But then she took a deep breath, and forced a smile, making you frown at the whole scene.

"No, Pietro. It's okay." She says. "Don't worry, it's a party, isn't it? We're here to have fun."

A man with a thinning beard reached you all next, and you were slightly surprised when Wanda grabbed your hand, but you didn't say anything.

"Wow, it's amazing to see you guys again." The man said smiling encouragingly. Pietro rushed over to hug him quickly.

"Good to see you too, Tony!" he greeted smiling, but he also looked slightly tense. You didn't know what the story was there, but clearly Wanda was not very comfortable in the stranger's presence.

"Wanda, look at you, my little sister-in-law!" Tony said excitedly extending his arms. But Wanda didn't move, squeezing your hand lightly. The man didn't seem to mind, moving forward and hugging Wanda anyway. He pulled away quickly however, still smiling, "And who are you?” He asked you next.

"I’m..."

"Leaving." Wanda cuts you off, ducking her head as she pulls you away with her. You hear Pietro sigh lightly, imagining that he would apologize for whatever this was.

As you two walk back into the house, you consider asking, but Wanda is looking around, clearly searching for someone. She lets out a low exclamation when she finds Bucky in the living room.

"Hey, Wanda." He says as soon as he sees her. "You've seen him, right?"

"You knew he was coming?" she asked, letting go of your hand, looking annoyed. You were starting to get very uncomfortable.

"Yes." Bucky confesses looking upset, and Wanda lets out an exclamation of indignation and surprise. "I told Pietro that it wasn't a good idea, but he still needs help with the Vis business..."

"No." Wanda interrupts by closing her eyes momentarily. You blink because she seems on the verge of tears at any moment. "I just..." She starts and takes a deep breath. Bucky steps forward with his hands in the air to touch her, but she forces a smile, denying with her head to signal him not to. "We're not going to make a scene, are we? Nobody's going to want that. I just... I just need a moment."

Wanda walks upstairs next, leaving you and Bucky behind. You really didn't understand what happened, and started to consider going after her, and as if reading your thoughts, Bucky patted you on the shoulder.

"Leave her alone for a few minutes, okay?" he asks. "She just needs to get used to the idea of seeing her late husband's brother again."

You swallowed dryly, nodding in understanding. Bucky smiled weakly at you, nodding for you to join him in the small circle of people he was talking to earlier.

//-//

Every minute without Wanda at your side with a bunch of strangers was like torture. Your heart was racing and you thought you were going to hyperventilate at any moment. Bucky was probably the only thing familiar, so you stood static next to him, trying to disguise yourself as much as possible while listening to people talking.

"Thor, I'm waiting for the invitation to your wedding!" Sam joked in the middle of the wheel, drawing laughter from everyone. The tall, blond man next to him looked mildly embarrassed.

"Tell that to Jane, she's the one who's postponing it." He replies in the same tone. You don't want to hear about engagements and weddings. So you mutter to Bucky that you need to use the bathroom and he points you in the direction.

Pietro's house is easy to get lost into. You are looking for a secluded corner to stay in, and as you pass through the empty hallway, you hear a noise that attracts your attention. It sounds like loud breathing.

Confused, you walk toward the sound, carefully opening the door to what appears to be an office. You find the switch, and your eyes widen in surprise when you find a child. It is a small boy, sitting on the floor with his head between his knees. It takes a second for you to realize by the height of his breathing what is happening.

Closing the door behind you to muffle the sound of the party, you rush to kneel beside the child.

"Hey, kid." You whisper tenderly but he just sobs. "What's your name? Hey? Try to say your name for me okay?"

You bring your hands to his and he raises his head, his face stained with tears as he breathes hard.

"T-Tommy" He gasps and you nod, squeezing his hands lightly.

"Okay, Tommy. I want you to breathe along with me now okay?" You ask as you signal with your hand the movement of your breath. "In and out like I'm doing."

"I-I can't." He cries, but you insist, squeezing his hand lightly.

"Tommy, in and out. This way." You repeat firmly, until he imitates. "All right, kid. Keep going. Breathe."

When Tommy manages to start breathing properly again, you smile at him. "You see, you did very well. Want me to give you a hug?"

He nodded, and you stepped forward, hugging him tightly. He didn't let go for long moments, and you began to think he might have fallen asleep, but he moved again, and you let go.

"I'm sorry." He asked weakly, and you held his hand.

"No, honey. It's okay." You say gently, crossing your legs to sit more comfortably in front of him. "Do you want me to stay here with you?"

He nods, looking at you quickly. You wipe away his tears afterwards.

"I don't know you." He says a moment later, and you smile slightly.

"I don't know you either."

"My name is Tommy." He replies with his hands folded in his lap. "This is my aunt and uncle's house, but I've never seen you at a party before."

"Wow, you are Wanda's son." You realize with surprise. Tommy blinks.

"Who is Wanda? I'm Mommy's son."

You laugh, nodding in agreement.

"Well, Tommy, your mother's name is Wanda." You explain, and he lets out a sigh of understanding. "I'm her friend."

"Okay." He says simply. He sighs lightly then. "I'm hungry."

You look at him curiously.

"Do you want a hot dog?" You ask, and he nods frantically, smiling. "Do you want to go outside and get it, or do you want me to bring it for you here?"

Tommy is thoughtful for a few seconds, and looks at the door for a moment.

"I want to go."

"Okay."

You get up first, and then help him to stand, and keep your hand in his to comfort him.

"Hey, is everything all right?" You ask as soon as you open the door. He has his thumb in his mouth, but nods, his eyes attentive to his surroundings.

Fortunately the kitchen is empty, since the house seemed to get warm enough for everyone to go outside. You sit Tommy down at the kitchen counter and prepare a hot dog for him.

"Do you like ketchup?" you ask and he nods smiling. After handing the hot dog to him, you made one for yourself. You smiled as you both took big bites of your food. "Does your mom let you drink soda?" You ask a moment later, and Tommy looks thoughtful. "Don’t lie."

Tommy grimaces mischievously, and nods his head in denial. You laugh and reach for two glasses, pouring some grape juice for you.

"Thanks." He says thank you as soon as you hand him the cup. You think it's adorable how polite he is at this age.

"There you are, Tommy." Pietro spoke as he appeared in the kitchen. He watched the scene with curiosity. "I've been looking all over for you."

"Sorry, Uncle." Murmured the boy lowering his head. "My head was hurting again."

Pietro sighed and you exchanged a look with him. He nodded in understanding before helping Tommy down from the countertop.

"Billy and Luna are eating candy in the backyard, honey." He says as he bends down to the boy's height. "Go ask Aunt Mon to give you some too."

Tommy seems content to leave after that, but he turns and hugs your legs quickly, muttering a "thanks for the hot dog" before running outside. You place his cup of juice in the sink along with yours before turning to Pietro.

"Where did you find him?" he asks leaning on the counter with his arms crossed. You mimic the position on the opposite side.

"In the office down the hall." You count. "What does he have?"

"We don't know yet." Pietro says. "He won't turn six until November, and the diagnosis can't be made before then." The man explains, running his hand through his hair for a moment. "But I've had anxiety since I was a kid, so his doctor thinks it's the most likely possibility."

You grumble in understanding, biting the inside of your cheek.

"He's been pretty nervous lately." Pietro continues next. You don't want to interrupt him. "I guess that makes sense. I got worse when my mother died, too."

You swallow dryly, really not being intimate enough to know what to say next. But Pietro doesn't mind, he smiles, shaking his head and reaching up to pat you on the arm.

"Sorry, I don't mean to make the subject morbid." He comments humorously. "Thank you so much for helping Tommy. Come have a drink outside."

You laugh half-heartedly, denying with your head.

"Thank you, Pietro." You say. "But I think I'd better go."

Pietro blinks in surprise.

"Are you sure?"

You nod, your gaze quickly going to the stairs before returning to him.

"Yes, I'm... I'm tired." You say. "Crowded environments are quite difficult for me."

Pietro nods in acknowledgement, and then smiles, thanking you again for coming and hugging you quickly.

You smile awkwardly before heading for the exit just as he returns to the garden.

Ignoring the urge to climb up the stairs after Wanda, you leave.

//-//

When you get home, there is a message on the refrigerator door from your mother, telling you that she is going out after work and that you shouldn't wait up for her. You grumble slightly, sending her a message to use protection, before leaving your cell phone on the counter.

After taking a shower and putting on the most comfortable and warmest set of sweatshirts you have, you go back to the living room, looking for some entertainment on the television.

It must be about eight o'clock at night when a knock at the door startles you.

You are surprised to have Wanda at your front door and she hesitates as soon as she sees you.

"Hi." You say.

"Can we talk?"

You make room for her to enter, closing the door afterwards.

Wanda stops in the doorway of the room, holding her purse tightly.

"I'm sorry I left you alone at the party." She begins and you look at her attentively, noticing her nervousness. "It wasn't polite of me."

You blink in confusion, but don't interrupt her. She closes her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before looking back at you.

"It was not the right way to behave and I am sorry. I hope we continue to be grieving partners" She says.

"Wanda, why are you here?" You ask with a frown, trying to understand exactly what you are witnessing. Wanda blinks in confusion.

"To apologize."

"Yeah I'm not buying it." You retort. "I don't care about the whole manners thing, I wouldn't treat you differently just because of the party. What's going on?"

"I don't... I don't know what you're talking about." She says shaking her head slightly, her eyes wide. You look at her in disbelief, she seemed on the verge of an outburst. "I just came to apologize for not being a good hostess, and not even a good friend. And..."

"I don't give a damn if you weren't behaving as you should." You interrupt seriously. "You don't have to pretend to be okay with me. I saw the way you were forcing yourself to smile during the party. What was all that about? Why are you pretending?"

Wanda let out a humorless laugh, holding up her hands, her eyes filled with tears.

"I don't know what..."

"If you're going to lie you can leave." You interrupt seriously pointing to the door. Wanda swallows dryly, looking at you in surprise. "I'm not like those people, Wanda. I don't want to see your version of the perfect housewife, who pretends everything is fine while it's falling apart so others will feel better. Either you tell me the truth, or we' re not going anywhere."

Wanda stares at you for several seconds, then looks away, tears streaming down her face. You sigh, uncrossing your arms to walk toward the door. As you begin to open it, however, Wanda rushes in and pushes the wood with one hand, the noise and movement startling you momentarily.

"Please." She begs throwing herself against you, her arms clutching around you as she buries her head in your chest, her tears wetting your shirt. "I can't lose you too."

You sigh, hugging her back in the same intensity to calm her.

"Breathe, Wanda." You say. "I'm right here."

When she stops crying, she breaks the embrace, and you give her a smile even though she is looking at the floor. You bring your hands to her face to wipe away her tears, moving closer to give her a kiss on her forehead before pulling away.

"Let's have some tea."

As you prepare the drink, Wanda sits down on one of the stools in the kitchen. You join her after lighting the fire.

"Do you want to talk now?" You ask next, swinging your seat slightly. Wanda gives you a weak smile, nodding her head. She sighs before she begins.

"My husband died last year." She counters with a lost look on her face. "That man at the party...his name is Tony. He is my brother-in-law. He... My husband died in an accident. He..." Wanda paused, probably overwhelmed by the memories, you reached out for her hand on the counter, and she sniffled before continuing. "Tony is an alcoholic. He...he needed someone to pick him up. So he called. And Vis... They... They argued outside the bar, and someone thought Vis was a cop. And then someone had a knife and..." Wanda stopped in a sob, releasing her hand to cup her face. You stood up, hugging her by the shoulders, and she buried her face in your neck, crying heavily.

"I'm sorry." You sighed, squeezing her. Wanda cried, hugging your waist. You only let go when the kettle beeped.

She wiped away the remaining tears as you went to turn off the fire.

"Do you want to go on?" You ask as you join her again, holding her hands. Wanda gives you a tired smile, denying it. "Let's drink our tea, then."

//-//

"Can I sleep here?" The question doesn't surprise you. After you had finished drinking tea, and you tried to distract Wanda with some small talk, you stood up to take the mugs to the sink, and her voice invaded your ears with the question.

You bit the inside of your cheek, but when you turned around, you didn't hesitate to agree.

And that's how you ended up in your closet doorway, looking for extra pillows.

Wanda walked around, observing your room with curiosity. You mentally thanked your mom that it had only been two days since her monthly cleaning, and your room was not messy.

"Who is this?" Wanda asks as she holds one of your frames in her hand. You have an extra comforter in your hand as you walk over to her to look at the picture.

"This is Bruce." You say looking at the photograph for a moment. Ignoring the wave of guilt that fills your stomach, you walk over to your bed. "We've studied together most of our lives. And the girl next to him is Carol, she was my maid of honor."

"Are they the friends you don’t talk to anymore?" Wanda asks as she returns the picture to the headboard. You mumble in agreement.

"Done, Wands." You say as you place the comforter on the bed. "You can have my pillow, I'll use the cushions on the sofa anyway."

Wanda frowns in confusion.

"Aren't you going to sleep with me?" She asks and you laugh in surprise, feeling your heart race.

"W-what?"

"I thought..." She starts and seeing your reddened face she looks away, clearing her throat. "I'm not going to make you sleep on the couch."

"It's okay, really." You assure her with a smile. "I'll be downstairs and if you need anything you can wake me up."

"Y/N..."

"Good night." You interrupt with a smile, moving closer to place a quick kiss on her cheek before turning and leaving the room, your heart racing.

You haven't slept in the same bed with another woman in many months. That is absolutely not going to happen tonight.

When Wanda finally lies back against the sheets, she grumbles softly. Your scent is everywhere, and she knows very well what it means when her body shivers and she feels a small warmth at the pit of her stomach. Pushing these thoughts away, she closes her eyes, hoping that the tiredness of the day will be enough to make her sleep.

#sorry for your loss #wanda x reader #wanda x you #wanda maximoff x reader #wandaxyou #wandaxreader #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff reader #wanda maximoff you #marvel imagines

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