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#I'm too tired to really talk about it rn
charmre · 3 months
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Another day, another casual sinophobia experience: ~*CLASSMATE EDITION*~
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felizusnavidad · 4 months
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unpopular opinion but i really miss those days when it was all about the music in taylor swift fandom
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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Me: I have a few FitPac ideas but I don't think I've written that much.
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undefeatednils · 16 days
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Stuff in tags, only wanna semi-scream into the void
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hazmatazz · 4 months
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holy shittt i wish my therapist didn't quit and i didn't have so many issues
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loumauve · 10 months
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#running face first straight into every single rejection sensitive wall atm and it's so frustrating#like. can we just not do this rn brain? I'm too tired to deal with this on top of everything else#all it does is make me alienate myself from people I care about and make me feel like shit afterwards#and it doesn't fix any of the underlying issues either. (like. I've been upset about ppl not doing what I do)#(as in read all of my fic like I try to read all my friends' fic usually. but like.. not everyone can and not everyone wants to)#(but it's one of those irrational things of 'if they cared about me wouldn't they also try' even tho that's not a fair ask)#(and like.. most people don't read random fic for fandoms they're not even in so this is entirely stupid to be upset about)#(but here we are anyway)#just.. me. raw to the very nerve and too tired to fix anything that might help alleviate it#I just want to feel normal again. and like I have control over my emotional state#but between 'dude fucked up bc of his borderline being triggered by grief and letting out all his frustrations on me for weeks'#and 'other dude grieving but not processing and not even taking a break to figure out where he's at emotionally..#..therefore dropping all of his unprocessed baggage and his part of the group work right on top of me' I'm just having a heck of a month#and idk. it would have been nice to talk to sb about my fic even if it's older now and not the best perhaps#(doesn't help when everybody you know writes really great fic and you're just outside the door scribbling some ideas into the sand)#idk. usually I do better in disconnecting self-worth and accomplishments and stop myself before the comparisons with others start#but rn it's all too much and I'm drained and exhausted and nothing feels good or helps much at all.#anyway.#it is what is I guess. and what it is is fucked and I doubt it's gonna change anytime soon.#that's not me being unrealistic or depression talking. it's based on how things have progressed thus far#there's another year and a half of this kind of stress which will likely get worse when our group grows from 18 to 31 in October#and then I'd have to start working proper again which I haven't in over two years bc of all the rehabilitation I've been going through#and it's terrifying and I'm already exhausted and worn down and worn out and I just don't know how normal is ever gonna be my life again
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lonelyvomit · 1 year
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#hi im having a bad night and everyone is allowed to ignore this i literally just need to rant#.........................................................................#................................................................................................#.............................................................................................................#.........................................................................................#........................................................................................................#..........................................................................................#it's just not fucking getting better is it#I've been fucked in the head for 3 weeks cus I cant stop thinking about how 4 years ago this time I was at the psych ward#and honestly? I lowkey wish I was again. it was the most stress free period I remember ever having in my life.#and I'm getting more tired and it's causing a lot more bad days and days I'm too tired to talk to people properly#and of course. that has the same consequences it always does. I'm not fucking surprised.#but it's spiraling me right back into feeling like the worst friend in the world which in turn makes me convinced no one actually likes me#that everyone is secretly just fucking annoyed with me but no one is saying it out loud cause everyone else is pretending to like me too#and the worst thing is I'm supposed to go meet a bunch of people in Helsinki in 10 days but I feel like no one really cares if I go or not#probably even prefer if I didn't uknow I'm not really part of that group the same way the others are#I'm fucking terrified of sticking my nose where I'm not wanted.#and obvs if I was a normal fucking person I'd just talk to people and make sure we're still good and no one hates me#but I'm ill and exhausted which has my social battery in the fucking negatives and I just cant do Conversations rn#which. is the exact fucking problem. literally here I go again. this is why people hate me. this is why they leave.#and I cant fucking blame them. if being friends with me is like talking to a brick wall half of the time#why would anybody bother? I cant expect them to. I don't expect them to.#the question is do I wait til everybody drops me or do I make it easy for everyone and just go away myself.#..#anyway. like said my social battery is in the negatives anyway & I just wanted to scream.#no need to react to this in any way. not like I'll have the energy to answer 🙃#im gonna go watch stupid lets play videos and try not to cough my lungs out#cheers.
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shiningstages · 1 year
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Me lookin' at my lil content: d'aaaaaaaw it's so cute~
I wanted to do stuff before work, but I like blanked out since I'm sleepy (went to bed around 1? 2?? then woke up at 7:11; not terrible but not like Great) then did my required stretchies / looked up stuff for things~ Tomorrow I have my last PT session and follow-up, and then I plan on cleaning my room / generally just chilling out since it has been Forever, but now...I will try and schedule in time for OC thoughts today and tomorrow (still have to decide if Atlas would be primal or astral...and maybe compare some story stuff to make sure it's not stepping on any Canon toes...but maybe we also don't care about that second bit ghffjghfgvcccgkhf).
#;big bubble blowing baby! ( ooc )#( i think...i'm gonna try and schedule my hair cut too. either saturday or next thursday#i love my long flowy hair but i've getting that feeling of just...can't take it anymore ghfjcghfcgkhgcjgv#BUT it's also supposed to get colder so i may wimp out because this hair Protects Me#i also have to talk with my workman's comp doc about specific restriction papers my store director gave me tomorrow (fear)#i don't really like feeling less useful at work; but i also have just accepted that i need to take care of myself#i'm hoping nothing Too Big happens with that because i still wanna bank a lot of money before going back to school#but also a tiny bit less hours a week (since i work around 37-39 rn) would be nice...maybe even an extra day off...more me time#in other news i've also had many vtuber thoughts GFDHGFHGFHJFGHF#the only important one is...accepting that i should just kind of Do It. instead of actively thinking of where i wanna be; if that makes#any sense#and wars gave me Big Incentive to clean my room in like a non-vtuber way; but also just like...the motivation!!! the hype!!!#i have a lot of steps in my mind to do my creative stuff; but my room Must be clean#not that all my stuff isn't on my dad's very nice desk but...i don't want any potential pc i buy to be there#it would be so much better environment-wise (aka not being in my kitchen where my dad always is and near the living room#where my bro always streams) plus it's a two-way street of i don't want to disturb them either#i thought about cleaning my mom's office but she literally told me no because she wants to clean it all herself#which her being like “i have to be the one to go through everything when cleaning” is just...i see where i get my attitude#BUT ANYWAYS#i need to get ready for work gfhgjfjgfhgkjgfcghfg being the closer so much is so tiring;;#hopefully tonight is good and i don't have to have Drama and anyone who freaks out )
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iwantabatlleaxe · 2 years
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Vent in the tags my beloved OMG THE LIMIT IS 30 TAGS NOW??
#im upset bc my boyfriend made a joke w a really sexist 'slogan'#he used quem cala consente which means who doesnt say anything is consenting which is just... i hate it so much#ive heard this so many times throughout my life and my teachers would say it frequently when it's about excusing rape#he said he wouldn't do it anymore bc I was uncomfortable but that + my gender journey + his red flags of anger issues are just... too much#for me rn. i feel stuck to him in a social context. i just wanna be myself#i hate the idea that guys are misogynists and stuff. i really want to believe my group friend isn't- and they've proved over and over that#they arent but this joke really upset me for some reason.#im tired.#also good news! i got a cane in case I have leg pain until my next appointment!#but uh. my bf kinda joked about that too.#it isnt as bad as it sounds#actually no im tired as fuck#i miss him only when I'm in need of uhm. comfort if u know what I mean#and the way he keeps saying ily makes it hard to break up. its not like i dont have reason to but still#i wanna be with him... but in this moment its hard. im. trans. and hes straight. he's straight. and I wanna be in a relationship with#someone who gets me. respecting is the minimum but I wanna be with someone who I can talk to about being trans without explaining#or- oh fuck home is playing rn. im emotional#i love him. hes great. but he has some red flags i dont want to ignore#i know he wouldnt do anything bad to me- he's always extra careful and respects my bodily boundries but I need this space for myself#what a shitty situation#im having a heartbreak?#i dont even. know anymore.#home just ended playing and a tear broke#also he keeps making jokes about me breaking up w him in like two weeks bc he keeps making shitty jokes#none are ever sexist/anyphobic#he loves and he loves with his full being and I just don't think i can handle that. i love with my fingertips then hands he loves with his#blood and smile and it's a lot#fuck#.#vent
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missing my close friendships and how I used to have the energy to maintain them while also reminding myself that part of the reason I don’t have that energy anymore/right now is because that very energy was actively exploited by my “best friend” of Several Years for their own benefit
:pensive:
#lol#not to mention that said ''best friend's'' girlfriend didn't have the emotional maturity to own up to her mistakes#and neither gave enough of a fuck to actively do better#like hm why dont i have the energy to maintain my remaining friendships and attempt to become closer to others lol. right. that#your best friend only ever paying attention to you to treat you like a chauffer and otherwise literally avoiding you after you've realized-#-that they're you're FP (bpd stuff) and literally explicitly told them that will do that. lol#then. lol. a half assed apology ''I'm sorry I wasn't there for you'' when i FINALLY get the courage to cut them off. WOW. THANKS SO MUCH.#THAT REALLY HELPS *NOW* AFTER WE ALREADY HAD THE CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW YOU WERE TREATING ME LIKE SHIT *MONTHS AGO*#not to mention that their girlfriend was too much of a fucking coward to face me in person so i could properly cut her off instead of a text#''sorry our schedules didn't line up =( genuinely wish you the best''#YEAH OKAY#bullshit on bullshit#if you fucking wished me the best you wouldn't have INTENTIONALLY crossed MULTIPLE boundaries#in one case. lol. LITERAL SECONDS AFTER I TOLD YOU I NEEDED SPACE BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO SCREAM AT YOU#WHEN YOU HAVE TOLD ME AND I KNOW DAMN WELL PEOPLE YELLING AT YOU IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU.#THAT'S YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO THE BAD GUY DIPSHIT. ''mike I would never do that to you'' YOU ARE LITERALLY ACTIVELY TRYING TO DO THAT RN#and yknow the other reason is that i literally work 12 hour shifts and ~40 hour work weeks so#3/4ths of my time on this planet is spent working or sleeping. like yeah no shit i have no energy#im not only physically drained i'm also mentally and emotionally drained lol#anyway sorry for the pity party i'm just. so fucking tired of avoiding talking about this publicly#mud rambles#like i know i mentioned it before but i havent really gone into any depth so. i deserve to talk about it more
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faust1926 · 2 years
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:/
#negative and venting in these tags#+ I'm not at ALL grounded rn so like. u know#I don't have the proper words rn. but I'm just hoping very much today is just an off-day like most sundays have been lately.#and maybe I can be somewhat functional again tomorrow#I wish I had more positive things to talk about maybe tomorrow will be better and I'll have more positive things then#I'm just so tired and keep not being able to think well. and I just spent like 3 hours just laying down#like resting but not sleeping and I really wish I were at least more ok with being like this#cause I'm not. but I'm too tired to do anything about it when like -_- I've got spirits putting thoughts in my head#and like touching me and telling me things and I couldn't get them to go away even if I wanted to cause I'm just too tired#and their presence is so. heavy on me like their energy or whatever just Weighs u down when too many of them get close#so I can't move I just have to lay there and listen to them and it's so. horrifying#but at the same time it's like!!! the best feeling in the world it's literally better than anything. and I wish it weren't#I wish real physical things felt good to be around too :-(#I wish I could be grounded and functional and awake like normal humans seem to be even in situations like mine#one of the spirits is still touching me now. like. on my ribbcage and I don't know why but it feels . impossible to describe#or to compare to something else lol#I don't know why. they're doing that I don't know what they're trying to do with me exactly.#it's like electricity but softer maybe. not sharp. dull warm radiating pulsating pressure very alive. I can feel them like under my skin#ok it's getting late. I'm running out of what energy I have left I need to go to bed#and in the morning I'll have breakfast and take my vitamins and maybe I'll be a little better and more awake#and I'll get bloodwork or something done soon and I'll see a new therapist and maybe we can do something and my brain won't be so fuzzy#they told me to trust them tonight also. they said I'm not in any real danger and I need to just let myself rest when I need to#<- one of the angels said that I mean#even if that's more often than most people I need to like. just lay down and rest more and trust them to take care of everything & Im safe#so ok
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atpsynth4se · 1 month
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hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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vampireskull · 1 year
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I'm so so sick of everything rn
#my family and my really close friends are probably the only people who really understand me and support me and my goals.#I'm tired of having to explain why i don't want to follow the girlboss independent woman hustle culture or why i don't want to travel the#world and take drugs. it really feels like these are the only acceptable life choices and goals you can have today.#everything else gets ridiculed and judged to death.#why is it so bad that i want to be a wife and a mother? it's not like i will stop being in the workforce. it's not like I'm not educated or#that i don't earn money. I'm preparing for my future rn. I'm saving money. I'm making smart financial decisions#and still I'm being treated like a stupid little girl#And then i talk to the one person who should be in my corner about this. and he starts questioning my choices too.#like i just told him 'hey this is something that's really annoying to me and that gnaws on my psyche' and he said bet? let me add to that.#most of the time it's people projecting their own insecurities and regrets onto me. and it really was no different for him.#his mom made some bad life choices and is now suffering bc of it. but that doesn't mean i will go down the same road. and it doesnt mean#I'm too fucking stupid to make my own well thought out decisions. but i guess when u always assume that ur smarter than everyone else u#just cannot fathom that other people have a rich inner life and reasons for their choices as well.#i could honest to god cry for a few hours now i feel so fucking hurt#⚰️
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harrysfolklore · 2 months
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uncle harry
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gif by @kiwikiwiandkiwi <3
im so soft rn, enjoy !
MASTERLIST | MY PATREON
The phone ringing in the middle of the night meant bad news most of the times.
However, when you and Harry were woken up by the sound of his ringtone, his mum on the other line frantically saying "It's time! The baby is coming!", you couldn't be happier.
Gemma broke the news that she was expecting a few months ago and Harry was man enough to admit that he cried a waterfall, not being able to contain his happiness over becoming an uncle.
And you were absolutely melted at the sight of him being excited about it, every single time he went out, he would come back with stuff for the baby, he face-timed his sister every night and overall he couldn't stop talking about being an uncle.
When Harry found out that he was going to have a niece, his excitement reached a whole new level. He started planning everything, from what he would teach her to the tattoo he would get for her once she was born, and once again, it made your heart burst to see your boyfriend so excited.
So now you headed to the hospital, ready to meet the brand new addition to the Styles family.
"I'm so excited," Harry said as he drove through the streets of London, holding your hand, "I can'y believe Gemma is a mummy now, feels like just yesterday we were pulling each other's hair and arguing over the last piece of cheesecake."
You smiled at him, kissing his knuckles softly and placing your intertwined hands on your thigh, "Feels like just yesterday I met her for the first time at your show, I was so nervous!"
"You really were, lovie," he smiled at the memory, "And you ended up becoming inseparable."
"What can I say? She's the cooler Styles."
Harry gave you a side eye and then laughed along with you, the rest of the drive was quiet and soon enough you were pulling up to the hospital where a few family members already stopped by to meet the little bundle of joy.
"Are you ready to meet your niece?" you turned to look at him as you unbuckled your seat belt, noticing that he had small tears in his eyes, "H? Baby are you crying?" you grabbed his chin and couldn't help but smile tenderly when he looked at you with watery eyes, "Oh my gosh, you're too adorable."
"I just, I can't believe I'm about to meet my sister's baby, that's insane."
You kissed his lips shortly, grabbing his face with both of your hands when you pulled away.
"She's already so lucky to have the best uncle in the world," you pecked his lips again, "Now let's go, I'm eager to meet her too."
You and Harry entered the hospital, hand in hand, ready to meet the newest member of the Styles family. As you approached Gemma's room, you could hear the sounds of laughter and joy coming from inside.
When you walked in, you were greeted by a room full of close family members, the room was pretty spacious and had a spare area where visitors could hang around without disturbing Gemma and the baby. Anne immediately approached both of you, happiness radiating from her eyes.
"You made it!" she said as she hugged you, turning to Harry when you pulled away, "H, baby! I'm a grandmother!"
"And I'm an uncle! Holy shit!"
You melted at the interaction, over the years the Styles-Twist family had taken you as one of their own and you were happy to be present for important moments like this.
"How is Gem? Is she awake? Can we see the baby now?" Harry eagerly asked after hugging his mom.
"She is fine, doing amazing," Anne said proudly, "Michal is inside with her, let's go."
Anne guided you to the door that lead to Gemma's private room, Harry squeezed your hand and you walked next to him, excitement evident on his every step.
Anne opened the door, peeking her head inside, "Your brother is here."
You and Harry walked in, Gemma was lying on the bed looking tired but happy nevertheless, a tiny head peeking from the blanket on her arms.
"About damn time, I was about to pick a different godfather for her if he didn't show up soon," Gemma sassed, making Harry turn his head back in laughter.
"Dammit, you're really a mum now," he approached his sister, you decided to stay back with Anne, "The bloke your brought to my concert years ago really was the one huh? Who would've thought."
"What can I say, mate? You trying to sabotage our date was kind of our blessing." Michal chimed in, standing next to Harry and patting his back.
"Congratulations, mate. I can't think of a better guy for my sister." Harry said as he hugged him, everyone looking at the scene tenderly.
"Are you going to stand there or are you going to hold your niece now?" Gemma wiggled his eyebrows at Harry, holding out her arms to him.
Harry took the baby into his arms, his face lighting up with pure joy. He cradled her gently, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Hello, beautiful," he whispered, his voice filled with emotion. "I'm your Uncle Harry, and I already love you so much."
You felt your eyes get watery at the sight, Harry looked up at you and urged you to come closer to him and the baby.
"This is your auntie," he cooed to the baby again once you were standing next to him, "She's the coolest ever and makes the best pancakes, you're going to absolutely love her just like I do."
"She's gorgeous," you said as you looked at the baby's face, "Congratulations, Gem."
"Thank you," Gemma said softly, a tired smile on her face but her eyes shining with gratitude.
"Just so you know," Harry looked at Gemma with a serious face, "She's not allowed to have any boyfriends until she's like 30."
Michal laughed and agreed with Harry, you rolled your eyes at him and Gemma shook her head.
"Uncle overprotective, that's what you are," Gemma said, a yawn coming out of her mouth right after, "I can't even imagine how is it going to be when you have your own kid."
You felt butterflies in your stomach at this, Harry giving you a small smile and winking at you.
"Let me put a ring on her finger first please," he turned to look at Gemma, "Because unlike you, sister, I'm not having children out of wedlock."
"Come on, now!" Michal protested, making the entire room laugh.
Hours passed and Harry was glued to the baby, babbling nonsense to her and cooing at every little thing she did. Eventually Gemma drifted off to sleep and that was everyone's cue to leave and let both her and the baby rest.
"I'm so happy right now," Harry said as you drove back to your house, "I feel so happy for Gemma, and for our family."
"She's going to be the best mum ever," you looked away from the window to face him, "And you're going to be the best uncle."
"Thank you for being here with me today, for sharing this moment with me. I love you."
"I love you too," you replied, leaning in to kiss him softly. "I'm so happy for you, for all of us. Today was perfect."
"And I meant what I said back there, I'm not letting her have a boyfriend until she's 30."
"Whatever you say, uncle overprotective!"
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