#I've never gone harder (emotionally)

[quiddie]

Missive From Camp

Y'all. Arc 3 was...

damn.

#worlds beyond number #the wizard the witch and the wild one #strap the fuck in - this one's gonna be wild #I've never gone harder (emotionally) #and that's fucking saying something #i've been like hungover about it for two days #this story FUCKS #the energy of the livestream was caused by wrapping up the chapter just minutes before

[cpunkhobie]

The thing about leo is that he's a lot smarter than he lets on and he KNOWS he's a lot smarter than he lets on. He does this because ppl assuming he's dumber than he is and underestimating him is a lot safer than letting ppl know how much he has sorted out in his head. The issue arises when he still wants to be credited for the smart work he does while avoiding ppl knowing he's smart. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. I actually think Splinter also falls under this category - which is letting his true strength and wit be hidden behind showmanship and apparent laziness.

The difference between Leo and Splinter is that Splinter KNOWS that if he wants to be underestimated he also has to deal with the emotional weight of ppl looking down on him. BUT although Splinter is more aware of it than Leo is - and thus more emotionally prepared for the burden on behalf of being older - Leo is Still a teenager, and doesn't have that emotional awareness and stability. And this isn't to say that Splinter has emotion stability, oh no*, because a good amount of Splinter getting underestimated is due to his own depression, however he is able to better come to terms with it.

It's also really neat to see how much Leo's arc mirrors Splinter's own teen years, specifically with how Leo hides behind quips and showmanship to hide his feelings of inadequacy - something you can see a LOT during Splinters childhood and how Splinter LITERALLY hid behind showmanship. Like the reason that Splinter is so much better at handling this underestimation burden is because He Has already gone through what Leo is currently going through. HOWEVER, this does not mean he's accurately processed it and thus that habit of hiding behind flashiness and pizzazz got passed down to his son. Which is funny, considering how Splinter basically raised the turtles off of his Lou Jitsu movies.

Like, to Splinter right, Lou Jitsu was his Peak. That's the guy who was prepared for any situation that's the guy who kicked ass that's the guy who saves the day. Lou Jitsu is the guy who lives up to All the pressures and standards that Splinter was put under growing up. Lou Jitsu is all the ways in which Splinter feels inadequate. He doesn't feel like he can live up to the golden standard that he once was, so he simply stops trying to live up to it. GOD I could analyze splinter all day you have no idea. BUT BASICALLY, staying on topic. Even though Splinter forgo raising the turtles in a typical fashion**, in a way he still raised them through his fucking Lou Jitsu movies. But he never TOLD the turtles that the guy in those movies was him. That's character is based off of what he once was but isn't anymore. (I'll get into that in another post probably.)

But by not telling his sons that the man they so looked up to was their own father - he opened up a door for him to once again be underestimated. Now this is for a lot of reasons a.) what I've already said above in Leo's case; it being the safer option b.) not wanting his sons to resent him for no longer being that cool bad ass guy (you're just a rat, we need a tiger) c.) fearing he won't live up to that standard - once again feeling inadequate. d.) being known as Lou Jitsu putting him and his sons in danger (most likely option.) and e.) more stuff that's off topic

It also becomes so clear how much his sons took from his example - how you can see, in this case, how Leo mirrors his father. It's just harder to see than in regular parent child relationships because *gestures.* It's also because of how much Leo has learned from Splinter, even in ways he can't see. Ultimately he learned the strategic advantage behind ppl expecting little of you from Splinter. Which lets be honest, is a whole nother issue in of itself but that's once again, off topic.

asterisks and citations:

* this emotional instability is shown by how much he clings onto that image of himself as Lou Jitsu, which is also to cope with his current reality which is transforming from this badass super hero into a rat. That's his character it's if what Splinter didn't get cooler because of his mutation and trauma, what if he just got sad. This sadness us also backed up from his history of feeling inadequate considering his LONG FAMILY BLOODLINE OF MYSTICAL NINJA WARRIORS. The pressure of being one of the last people in your family still living, of having to watch your mother leave you so young, of having the weight of the world on your shoulders since birth.

** this also ties into the above asterisk, in which Splinter is so lax with his sons and the severity of their destiny because of how he grew up. He didn't want to pass on that same weight and burden onto his sons, he wanted to give them a life where they could choose their own destiny, where they didn't have to grow up with the rigid household he grew up in. Of course he chalked up his unhappiness with his childhood To the Destiny and rigidness, and not to the fact that he never gained praise and positive affirmations or attention from his only living parental figure. The Hamato's chronic feelings of inadequacy is - say it with me now, generational trauma. Welcome to the Asian Household Good to have you

OH SHIT I REMEMBER NOW. Splinter is also a lot more Mature than what we see on a surface level considering how even till the literal very end of the world he STILL stuck by his ideals of protecting his kids and his family no matter the "greater good." He wasn't going to sacrifice his sons or their lives in order to protect the world because he would find a better way. Because he saw what the familial standard of sacrifice in the Hamato DID to the Hamato clan. He was one of the last Hamato for a long time!!!! The only other one was his grandpa !!! He watched his mom leave him and die to protect the greater good and what the movie is about is about BREAKING that chain of sacrifice because YOU DON'T NEED TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF. you need to TRUST THOSE AROUND YOU to get through it. A mindset that was completely lost upon the generations of the Hamato clan/family. Trusting your family was something that fundamentally conflicted with the Hamato because of their origins - and Splinter was SICK of it. and no amount of world ending would stop him from putting his sons first and *shakes you* ITS ABOUT GENERATIONAL TRAUMA !!!!! ok now that is all I think

#headmate deleted the post so REPOST 💪💪 YIPPEE <- exhausted #rbs encouraged #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt leo #rottmnt splinter #rottmnt analysis #rise tag #jonah with a megaphone

[xerith-42]

Some Slightly More Coherent Thoughts about Void Paradox

Riveting title, I know, but this is the quality content I'm sure... 50 of you signed up for? When the fuck...? How are there so many of you?? And in spite of that title, this post is still long as fuck

Anyways I finished Void Paradox and it sure made me feel a certain way. [Cut to footage of me literally screaming anytime Laurance showed emotion in the series]. Gotta say, as a long time Laurance fan, this is really nice to have. I've been going on my tirades about how Jess ruined Laurance for the sake of Aaron, and how Laurance never really bounced back from this character assassination, but I wasn't entirely right. He sort of bounced back?

Well, we got this. I still would have liked Laurance in Love-Love Paradise but I guess I'll take him in this series. And honestly, it's the best Laurance content I've gotten that isn't fan content since... well, since I first watched the show back in 2015 when I was a literal fetus. Every time after I've gone back and watched as Laurance got written poorly from honestly really early episodes sometimes (looking at you Episode 65), and had to deal with the unfortunate truth that he was essentially unimportant to the story Jess decided to tell with both her series, despite being the main character of one of them.

It's so refreshing to have quality Laurance content, and we got a variety of it in this show. He's so expressive, so alive, so emotional. I've always loved Laurance because surprise surprise, the men in my life weren't always the most emotionally vulnerable, so I latched onto fictional men who were as a coping mechanism! Yayyy! And Laurance has always been a very emotionally vulnerable character, at least in the beginning. It's part of the tragedy that is his character arc in Season 2. That Laurance is usually vulnerable, that he's the one who's always willing to talk about his emotions, but the calling is making it harder to open up, and the world has only become crueler to men like him who dare to feel too much.

Wow I just keep sliding into depressing content in this post, I'm trying to praise Laurance's writing in this series. Because it's good. I have my problems with Void Paradox as a whole, but as a showing for my favorite character in the entire Aphverse, a chance at redemption, it's fantastic. As I said Laurance is so expressive in this series, largely thanks to Sebastian Todd being an absolutely phenomenal voice actor who clearly knows and cares about this character. His performance is absolutely excellent and a great high note for this character to go off on.

I cannot emphasize how much I adore every little thing about Laurance's portrayal. The flirtiness, the smug bastard energy, the very sincere and open care, that one scene where he gets super embarrassed and then whimpers that I haven't listened to like eighteen times. The whole thing is great. His dynamic with this alternate version of Aphmau is so good, it's so great to see him bounce off of other characters. I just love it so much.

That scene where he realizes that he's in a similar scenario to the Nether and literally instantly jumps to "If it comes down to it, let me sacrifice myself," I SCREAMED AT THIS. The whole series whenever he angsts over his old world I scream, but that line really hit me. Fuck whatever you say about Laurmau in every universe, the universal truth of Laurmau, nay the universal truth of Laurance is this;

"I would sacrifice myself so you could live in every universe."

That's Laurance! That's Laurance with literally anyone you want!! This is the best characterization Laurance has ever gotten. It's consistent with his character, and I love the fact that Mod Aphmau doesn't even let him finish his consideration of self-sacrifice, she just shuts it down and it's a great contrast to what Laurance is used to. I adore how that's what he jumps to, I adore the fact that he's as clueless as I am about the lore this season, I love the rivals esque thing he's got going on with Jaiden, that was fun. Lotta potential there. This was just a good time. I cannot emphasize how delightful Laurance was in this series. How his delightful presence is the most enjoyable thing in the series, and a literal blessing unto us all.

Wasn't it nice to feel good about an Aphmau series for like.. two minutes. Anyways here's the part where I get a little salty with Jess, as per usual. I'm not going to go too in depth on my problems with Void Paradox as a story because it's mercifully short and a lot of my complaints did come from a standpoint of not knowing any of the lore of Mod Mod World which might have hindered my full ability to understand the larger story.

I can however get VERY salty about the fact that I didn't even know Void Paradox was a thing that had Laurance in it until 2024!! It came out in 2018! How did this happen? Well the answer is very simple, the cause is the bane of my very existence. My Street Season 6 When Angels Fall. [I am shaking with rage]

I know you've likely read how much I can tear into season 2 Episode 95, and oh my Irene can I tear into that episode, but there's a similar but differently visceral emotion When Angels Fall makes me feel. Let's call it a sort of divine rage. And now, I have one more reason to hate it. Because Void Paradox, a series with actual quality content, was released at the same time as whatever the fuck that was, meaning it never had a chance.

For a bit of personal context, I briefly became active in the Aphmau fanbase when this season came out and during the time leading up to it. I had seen every season of My Street, and despite not being the biggest fan of where Jess took the series, I liked a lot of the characters and was invested in where they would go from here. I was knee deep in the My Street trenches when the many many different bombs dropped. Melissa dying but then she didn't but maybe she did and I literally spent hours arguing with people on this, Ein is turning everyone evil, there's a doomsday device, forever potion nonsense is happening, Travis' dad is evil maybe, Aaron is going insane, the multiverse is falling apart, and then Jess just killed the best character in the entire series, dare I say the entire Aphverse, dare I say the entire universe of existence as we know it--

It was a lot. And in all the chaos Void Paradox just... came out. It came out right before episode 9 of When Angels Fall came out. And anyone else who was there during the war... they know what that episode did to us. What it did to me. I wasn't the same after that episode came out. I felt like I had lost a part of myself. Something I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get back...

And as a result, I and a lot of people didn't see Void Paradox. Looking at the numbers, Void Paradox struggled to get above 1 million viewers for most episodes, while the lowest viewed episode of When Angels Fall sits at a cozy 2.9 million as an established series. Void Paradox is objectively better as a series and deserves to have a second season. We deserve to explore more of the weird ideas Jess clearly had while making it, we deserve to know if a cure can be found, and we, or maybe just me and I'm feeling selfish here, deserve to know if Laurance is okay.

Jess has already taken one comfort character away from me. I'll be damned if she takes another.

#text post #aphmau #i dont support aphmau #fuck aphmau #minecraft diaries #laurance zvahl #aphblr #aphverse #minecraft diaries laurance #my street #when angels fall #void paradox #discussion post #rant post #god i hate jess #never forgiving her #season 6 episode 9 can fuck off #fuck that episode #my street blaze #my beloved #mod mod world

[chryjaa]

I think those songs are very suegiku and here's why analysis:

"Once more to see you" by Mitski

"So come inside and be with me, alone with me, Alone, with me alone" - they both wanting that but never saying it out loud. Tecchou bc he doesn't know if Jouno would even want to stay and always giving him time and space (he's so sweet) and Jouno bc he's emotionally repressed and oblivious and thinks he's unlovable and it just can't go through his mouth

"If you would let me give you pinky promise kisses" - TECCHOU bc Jouno wouldn't let him bc he knows he's not gonna make it and doesn't want to make it even harder for Tecchou to let go of him

"Then I wouldn't have to scream your name Atop of every roof in the city of my heart" - BOTH, Tecchou bc Jouno is gone and he didn't tell him how important he was to him and he's thinking that maybe if he did Jouno wouldn't go alone and Jouno bc he wants them to be a thing so BAD but he doesn't want Tecchou to get attached when he knows he's not gonna make it out of the airport and he's scared of being vulnerable and close with another human being

"If I could see you, Once more to see you" - both. Jouno in his dying moments, and Tecchou after losing him

"Your best american girl" by Mitski

"If I could, I'd be your little spoon And kiss your fingers forevermore But, big spoon, you have so much to do And I have nothing ahead of me" - Jouno just wishing they had normal life with eachother but he knows that Tecchou has his role to play, that he has justice to pursue and Jouno is aware of his future AND past which was everything Tecchou is fighting against

"You're the sun, you've never seen the night But you hear its song from the morning birds Well, I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds" - once again Jouno, seeing Tecchou as a light in his life and himself as darkness, something bringing Tecchou down, holding him back from pursuing justice

"Don't wait for me, I can't come" - do i need to even say anything

"You're the one You're all I ever wanted I think I'll regret this" - Jouno just before his fight with Fukuchi, thinking it's the last time seeing Tecchou (it's not pls suegiku reunion when)

"Pink in the night" by Mitski

"I glow pink in the night in my room I've been blossoming alone over you" - Jouno being so in love with Tecchou in secret coming back home and thinking about him

"And I hear my heart breaking tonight I hear my heart breaking tonight Do you hear it too? It's like a summer shower With every drop of rain singing "I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you" - i think it's Jouno when he realised/accepted his feelings for Tecchou, bc i feel like he would be heartbroken even before anything happened, feeling it's doomed from the start but he can't help it and it's just going on and on in his head

"I could stare at your back all day I could stare at your back all day" - Jouno just liking Tecchou presence, his voice, heartbeat, breathing which is familiar and calming for him

"And I know I've kissed you before, but I didn't do it right Can I try again, try again, try again Try again, and again, and again And again, and again, and again" - Jouno just wanting to kiss him but not in the heat of the moment or sth and pretending it never happened right after (bc you can't tell me they didn't kiss at least once and didn't act like nothing happened after that)

Feel free to share your thoughts on this (pls do). It's mostly Jouno right here but yeah

#bsd jouno #jouno x tecchou #jouno saigiku #tecchou suehiro #bsd tecchou #bsd #bungou stray dogs #saihiro #the hunting dogs #bsd hunting dogs #suegiku

[priestessofcreation]

Elsa, Your Authentic Self, and How Embracing It changes You dramatically - Part 1

Last week, I made a stream-of-consciousness post discussing why walking the path of authenticity changed me dramatically. All I'm doing is being myself. Why, in any hell, would being my authentic self change me in so many ways?

On the path of authenticity, I lost friends I'd had for years. Friends I thought I would have in my life forever. I resisted seemingly "practical advice" from sources I respect because I knew what I wanted and what was good for me. I felt distance form between me and the support system I'd had all my life - including family.

But in the same breath, my career got kickstarted, literally within weeks of the beginning of this journey. My spirituality drastically changed to have me at the center of it instead of being at the whim of every tom, dick, and harry that tried to highjack it - both energetically and physically. I took on a job that, though continues to be difficult, has taught me so much about our system and human nature. I have a growing following on social media, a thriving tarot channel, and a renewed support system that is far more emotionally mature and consistent than almost anything I've had before.

I always prided myself on being my authentic self. 100% of the time.

And yet there was so much within me that could not breathe and when it finally did... I'd always related with the goddess archetype. And now I felt like that is what was coming out of me. That Goddess of Creation.

How is it possible that just by honoring and living my authentic needs and self... that I became bigger than I ever thought I could be?

Elsa is a good example of this phenomenon.

I am going to come right out of the gate and say that Elsa was far more repressed than I was growing up. I've gone on record saying that I relate with Elsa in a really intimate way because her magic functioned exactly like my intrusive thoughts functioned. The difference is that I got the treatment I needed.

Elsa never did.

We all know what the TRUE ELSA looks like. You know:

Gotta have that cape

But the thing is, you can tell Elsa was repressed in her childhood just by her clothing alone. I don't really count how she dressed when the accident happened because kids don't really have a choice what they get to wear at that age. However, into her preteens, teenage years, and early adulthood, she dressed rather conservatively.

It is the same with her hair. Very conservative, not a hair out of place. She has bangs, but combed neatly to the side.

As controlled and neat as her. As her coping mechanism.

It could also partially be due to her being the princess of Arendelle, but I don't think Agnarr and Iduna really cared about their daughters' fashion. I think for Elsa, rules were essential. She had to have a structured routine because if anything was out of sync, she could get surprised. Anything unexpected (even her own imagination) and she would "lose control." Hell, sometimes even when she was just distracted, her magic came out without her consent.

And to be fair, her magic is not always... privy to her consent to use it.

I mean, there is Frozen Fever with the snowgies

There is F2, with the spirits hijacking her magic

Elsa's magic is sometimes out of her control, but by the time she understands love is the key, she is no longer scared. However... when she is afraid, she has to keep shoving down her emotions, desires, and anything else because nobody can get hurt again.

It's almost like if she allows herself to be a person, everything will go south. Or so she thinks.

A lot of people are hard on Agnarr and Iduna, but... as a person who has experienced that same scenario, I can tell you that in a way nobody is harder on you than you. So much so that Elsa continued the regiment set up by her parents into her adulthood.

When her coronation hits, she is in that familiar gown. It is beautiful and regal and has that familiar style of cape.

But Elsa did not ask for that cape. That cape is because she is queen now. If she had her way, she would have continued with that same conservative look.

Buttoned all the way to the top like WOW. And that hair is tied up as neat as it has ever been. Not a hair out of place. Perfectly combed bangs.

But... she has a braid hidden in that hairstyle, doesn't she?

However, this is the start of her journey of authenticity. That cape is symbolic because it is the only piece of any dress she wears that is carried over. There is, of course, the bodice and skirt and all that. But the cape is the most obvious because no matter how Elsa spins it, she may have always felt... she was regal.

She is Queen

She even spends a little time with Anna, has some fun with her. That goes south, but then Elsa makes her first command - albeit a regressive one - to close the gates. She is a woman now. She is in control. It is her butt in that throne, not her father's. Her parents do not speak for her. The trolls do not speak for her. For better or for worse, our girl has become her own advocate.

And well...

It was an accident and Elsa did not plan it. At first, she regrets it like crazy and runs away just to protect everyone. But as the girl runs and slips into Let it Go... those lyrics...

Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go Can't hold it back anymore Let it go, let it go Turn away and slam the door I don't care what they're going to say Let the storm rage on The cold never bothered me anyway

These are the words of someone that may have feared her magic... but not necessarily hated it. Elsa may have had an inner truth inside of her that even though her magic can harm... that does not necessarily mean it is bad. Keep that in mind as we move forward.

I mean, look at Elsa's excitement after she made the ice stairs:

That is not the face of someone who hated who she truly was. She just goes on and on and on, gets bigger and bigger and bigger until...

I mean

what more can I say?

When you repress who you are and you try to follow the rules of what society impresses upon you - in Elsa's case being her parents and the generational trauma that was passed on through both of them - you look starkly different from how you truly are. You behave starkly different from how you truly are. In this case, Elsa was the perfect Arendellian princess.

When she lets it go, her dress, her home, her life is made of pure ice and snow. Her hair is wild, fluttering in the wind and sky. She is pure nature.

More to come, friends.

#tumblr doesn't like long posts #blah #frozen #frozen 2 #analysis #my analysis #elsa #my twin

[bettsfic]

“for so many years i had it in my head that if a process is harder, the result is better. it was that mentality that kept me in a job i hated for a long time. it's hard and i don't like it, therefore it's more serious and respectable. it was unconscionable to me to think that something fun and easy could result in something good.”

I do this^ and the fact that someone else could explain it and relate is so eye opening. I grew up with this mindset. Like I wasn’t smart or good enough unless I was struggling unless it was hard. If it was hard and I got something done, then I was a success. Never treated myself like it but that was my philosophy. If something was easy it was stupid and not worth doing. This causes a lot of issues.

I was wondering, if you’re comfortable. Can you talk more about this? And how you got out of this mindset? I’ve noticed that even in my writing I do this and not just in the work aspects of my life.

i think it comes from a place of learned hatred. in the same way learned helplessness develops when a person spends a significant amount of time in an environment where they have no control of or agency over anything, learned hatred is growing up in an environment where you are simply not allowed to exist as you are and you must change or adapt in order to survive.

when you're in a place where you're constantly made aware of your weaknesses and focus only on how to strengthen them, your awareness of your strengths (and the strengths themselves) atrophy. i think all the time about how in a different environment, at 18 it would have been so evident to me that i wanted to be a teacher. and i would have gone to college for teaching and then gotten a job teaching elementary school english or maybe even kindergarten. like if just one person said, "hey you've got real Bob Ross vibes" maybe my life would be completely different. but no, i had it in my head that obviously everyone wanted to become an elementary school teacher, so i couldn't be one, i had to do something no one wants to do, and i became a banker.

i took an IQ test last year, and i know IQ is bullshit, but i tested into like the 99th percentile of verbal intelligence. that's intelligence i've always had but didn't do anything with until i was 24, and because i didn't foster it by allowing myself creativity or really any self expression, my writing skills when i started writing were, well, bad. when i look at my earliest work from about 9 years ago, i can see that i was writing below the level i currently teach. at 24. with a bachelor's degree, having graduated magna cum laude. maybe i'm being hard on myself, but my point is that i was no prodigy. i could've been a gifted kid but i wasn't. i was too busy being dragged onto a baseball field to work on my terrible hand-eye coordination. i entered adulthood believing my work in this world was to deprive myself of happiness and pride myself in misery.

the attitude that changed my perspective was refusal. i refuse to suffer. that means i do everything in my means to alleviate any pain i experience--mentally, emotionally, and physically. and by "pain" i don't mean sadness, because allowing yourself to feel sadness when sadness is due is healthy, but things like abject dread, hating the idea of waking up every morning, things that can destroy you if you hold onto them for long enough. you have to let them go. you can't be complacent to your own pain anymore. when you get a headache, you take ibuprofen. when you come back up from a bad bout of depression, you drag your ass to the doctor to get meds and maybe therapy so it doesn't happen again. when you want something, you give it to yourself.

it's hard. it's hard because there's a benefit in bringing up your weaknesses. i pitched a perfect game in softball when i was a teenager. i'm more coordinated than i would have been if my dad hadn't forced me into every possible sport. working at a bank taught me much needed professionalism and organizational skills, and gave me stability during a time the economy wasn't stable at all. but on focusing on those things, i neglected to foster the stuff about me that was already pretty good.

you can strengthen your weaknesses, but you can also strengthen your strengths. your weaknesses do not have to be dragged up to the same level as your strengths. i made an okay banker. i was a pretty good pitcher. but i'm a great teacher. it took me years to learn finance and softball, but it took me one semester to get my bearings in front of a classroom. i'm a patient and nonjudgmental person. i love learning and so by definition i love explaining. i have a natural "yes, and" disposition. i respect everyone and take their work in this world seriously. i come from a long line of teachers. and yet somehow, despite all this, i had no fucking clue i was a teacher.

i love writing, but i'm not talented, not in the way i've seen talent in some of my students. having a high verbal intelligence only speeds up the skill leveling. and so writing is a side effect. writing is the subject i know well enough to teach at a university or masterclass level. writing allows me to process my own emotions and express myself creatively. writing feels good and it's fun. but teaching is my work.

who you are is okay to be. without trying, without any effort at all, there's something you're already great at. so keep your weaknesses weak and strengthen your strengths. refuse suffering. seek joy.

#writing advice

[takeme-totheworld]

Love and Fear

(cw: religious indoctrination, religious trauma, hell theology and evangelism)

By the time I was old enough to comprehend concepts like "hell is real and people who don't believe in Jesus the right way will go there forever," I already loved the church.

I think this may be one of the things that makes my experience hard for some people to understand. Even people who have no personal experience with religion, I generally find, are familiar with the idea of "putting the fear of God" in someone. Falling in line because you've been openly terrorized is a behavior that makes sense.

It feels a lot harder to put into words what made me so devoted to my church. It was a complicated mix of love and fear that even an adult might be hard pressed to recognize as manipulation and indoctrination, if they were vulnerable enough. As a kid being raised in it, a kid with untreated anxiety, a stressful home life, and a general predisposition to be a Good Kid and seek adult approval wherever I could find it? I didn't stand a chance.

"Insidious" is a word I've heard used to describe it. Toxic positivity. Buddy Jesus vibes. Lots of upbeat music and kid-centric programming. Everybody smiling and being almost aggressively friendly and solicitous and talking about love and joy and having Jesus in your heart. I ate it up. I loved church, I loved Jesus, I loved it all. So by the time I was old enough to comprehend concepts like "hell is real and people (like my dad) who don't believe in Jesus the right way will go there forever," a big part of my eight(?)-year-old mind simply glossed over the horror and accepted it without question.

Because I loved the church and the church loved me, and my Sunday school teachers were good and kind and always told us the truth, and they were teaching us about God and God loves everyone, they had always said so. So this simply couldn't be as horrifying as it sounded.

Of course, the horror sank in over time, as I got older and smarter and more anxious and less able to repress and compartmentalize. But by then they were teaching us to evangelize. Yes, it is horrible, but you can do something about it! Go tell everyone about Jesus! (The underlying implications were never stated outright, because they didn't need to be, but if they were they might have gone something like this: And if you don't go tell everyone about Jesus, because you're a coward or too embarrassed or whatever, they'll die without being saved and go to hell and it will be your fault. Aren't you glad we care enough to teach you how to bring people to the faith so that you can keep your loved ones from going to hell?)

Of course, if you actually unpack the implications like that, you see that it's massively fucked up and wrong. But I'd been taught to love the church and put my faith in them my whole life. And I did. My love for it was genuine. So I didn't have the mental or emotional tools to realize that it was massively fucked up and wrong. In fact, at that point I was so emotionally invested in the church and my loyalty to it that I was extremely motivated to rationalize everything they told me, to make it all make some kind of sense even when it clearly didn't.

No putting the fear of God in me required. At that point, I was doing it for them.

#religious indoctrination #religious trauma #personal #exvangelical

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Hi Ashley!

I’ve been dealing with a chronic pain issue for about a year and a half, and it’s recently gotten a lot worse— a day of work’s worth of movement that used to be doable now has me crying on public transit coming home from the pain. I’ve been advocating for myself at work to make my routine more accessible, which has gone well, and I’m long term working on getting access to surgery that should hopefully help, but all of that is emotionally exhausting.

I’m writing to vent, because it’s been a really upsetting couple of weeks. But also I’m thinking about potentially starting to use a mobility aid, which I’ve never done before and which I’m finding really intimidating for some reason. I guess it makes it real for me in some way? For a long time this has been something I’ve just taken upon myself to grin and bear it, and just deal with the pain when I get home, and somehow accepting that it’s a real problem that I’m allowed to be accommodated for—and to be seen in public using a mobility aid— is scary to me. If you have the time and energy, any words of comfort or advice you have to offer would be much appreciated :) thanks for everything you do.

oh sweetie, i'm so sorry, that sounds awful. though i gotta say i'm really proud of you for getting accommodations and planning surgery, that's not easy. i'm glad your job is working with you and i hope you can get the surgery soon.

i've been disabled with chronic pain and fatigue for more than 15 years now, and i think the crux of what gets people so damn freaked out about disability - both those who do and don't have them - is this: control.

we want to believe we're in control. we want to believe we're in charge of our lives and our bodies. we want to believe that if we do things right, bad things won't happen to us. we're absolutely terrified of admitting that we do not, in fact, control our health. that terrible, painful things can just... happen.

becoming disabled forces you to face those facts. your body can do things beyond your control, and you can 'grin and bear it' with all your strength and the pain can still break you down. it forces you to see that 'mind over matter' is bullshit, that pain can be stronger than you, that you're not as tough as you want to believe you are.

disability forces us to come to grips with our own mortality. it forces us to see our bodies as sacks of meat and bone. instead of a tool for freedom and creation, our bodies can become prisons we're helplessly trapped within. we are forced to realize that this is mortal flesh and it doesn't obey our orders.

all of that? that's scary as fuck. it is fucking terrifying for your body to become a torture chamber. i don't know if i'm as scared of anything as i am the knowledge that the pain i'm in every day is never going to end. that it might get worse, that i might lose more control.

it is really fucking okay to be scared, to be freaked out, to hate this force you can't see or confront that is pushing you into admitting your weakness. it's okay to hate an outward admission of that weakness, that lack of control, even though you intellectually know that disability isn't something to be ashamed of and mobility aids are good things. it's okay.

i can't really coach you through to the other side of it, though, i'm sorry, because this is a huge, messy, awful thing. losing control and confronting that lack of control fucking sucks. being in pain fucking sucks. getting stared at or asked invasive questions because of your mobility aid fucking sucks. i hope you can treat your pain and reduce it to tolerable levels, i truly do, but even so, this process is one you just have to wrestle with and walk through over time.

if i can give any advice, it's to quit grinning and bearing it. quit anything you physically can quit that makes the pain worse or doesn't relieve it. for one thing, you might be making the condition worse and harder to treat, and for another...

you may have heard it said, but fuck, suffering is just suffering. it doesn't make you stronger, it doesn't make you wiser, it doesn't teach you lessons, it doesn't make you a better person, it just wears you down. you're not braver or more admirable for holding it all in, for not treating it, not doing whatever helps to lessen the pain, you're just letting your pride and fear get in the way.

take medication. it's very fucking difficult to get now, but if it's a possibility, use opioids when you need them. try other treatments. sit down more often. wear more comfortable shoes and clothes. treat your body gently. don't punish yourself worse because you happen to be human and this is out of your control.

get the mobility aid. practice in private, and if it helps, then fucking use it. use anything that helps. for the love of all that's good, do not suffer worse than you must.

this is hard. it's scary. it's completely fucking normal to be overwhelmed, to be freaked out, to be angry, to not know what to do. but you're not alone, and none of us are in control. not really. the sooner we make our peace with that, the better off we'll be.

#chronic pain #disability #anonymous #ask

[shortpplfedup]

Chapter 7: My Heart Represents the Moon

Wrecked. This show has absolutely fucking wrecked me. Like...ITSAY/IPYTM-level wrecked. I'm never going to recover. Jam comes to town, and Ms. Hong departs in the absolute saddest episode of the entire series, yet you're still left with a sense of hope amidst the wreckage.

Khaotung motherfucking Thanawat y'all. Gaipa gives us the full range of human emotion this week, from joking with Leng about how he feels sad for Jim losing out on him, to having a full on breakdown as he sings 'The Moon Represents My Heart' at Ms. Hong's cremation. I absolutely knew how talented Khaotung is, but honestly he blew me away this episode. You could feel the layers of sadness as Ms. Hong's sudden death piles up on top of Jim's rejection. The moment Gaipa comes out of the hospital room to tell Jim, Leng and Li Ming that Ms. Hong is gone...I don't think I've ever seen a more accurate depiction of that kind of moment in all of cinema. The way he can't even comprehend it, then can't say it, then it tumbles out and he just crumples...honestly every time I was on the verge of being okay Gaipa would break down again and I would be in shambles. I don't go in much for hyperbole so when I tell you that this is an award-winning performance, know how sincerely I mean that.

Jam's unannounced arrival stirs all kinds of pots over at Jim's house, as Jim finally decides to discuss the New Year's kiss he witnessed with Li Ming at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way, not knowing Jam was there and could hear them. Jim's struggle to accept Li Ming's sexuality is threaded throughout the episode. Jim and Li Ming (of course) fight about it. Then Jim tries to discuss it with Jam calmly but of course that's a fraught conversation because Jam's comments about his own sexuality live rent-free in Jim's head, along with the ghost of Beam's betrayal. Jim eventually seeks Wen's advice, which is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig step forward for him, and of course Wen gently chides him, telling him literally all the things he already knows intellectually but doesn't feel emotionally: that Li Ming being gay isn't a bad thing, that Li Ming isn't gay because of Jim's influence, and that yes, the world might be harder on him because he's gay, but that doesn't mean he can't have a good life. Eventually, Jim and Li Ming settle into a new normal where Jim can tease Li Ming about 'trying' Heart and liking him, and Li Ming can tease Jim back about minding his own business.

The other pot Jam stirs is Li Ming's very presence at Jim's house, as she wants to take him back north with her. Whether Li Ming came to live with Jim before Beam died or after I'm not sure (he may have been with his grandparents before coming to Jim, he mentioned living apart from his mother for '5 or 6 years' and Beam only died 4 years ago), but he's been with Jim for years at this point. Jim has essentially been the one raising him. But Jam's stable now, she's about to get married, to a man with some means, and she wants to try to be a mother again and provide for her son. Jim, surprisingly, tries asking Li Ming what he wants rather than telling him what it's going to be, and the ensuing conversation is a new direction for them, a first stab at a new kind of communication. And we discover that as much as he and Jim fight and argue, Li Ming is clear about who he considers as his parent. As he tells Jim, he's not sure how he feels about his mother, but he knows he loves his uncle.

Jim continues his softening and opening up to Wen, essentially admitting to him that he wants him around, but he's still not quite sure of what that means for them in the future. That sniff kiss Jim gives Wen, aside from somehow being the hottest sniff kiss I've ever seen, is a promise of a kind; it says 'give me time, but yes'.

Side Dishes

I know that Alan/Gaipa scene will make a lot of folks happy.

Alan releasing Wen from the responsibility of taking care of him was hard to watch. He's so sad, and seeing Wen immediately meet Jim as he drives away makes him even sadder. Awww, you'll be ok Alan!

Ms. Hong seems to have left Gaipa a very rich man. I think I have some idea of what he's going to do with that.

Heart's parents finally starting to learn sign...they're trying to make amends and reconnect with their son, and Heart seems to be really happy about that.

Li Ming not making the slightest move to help his mom with her bag at any point was a clear indication of his feelings.

Li Ming not understanding how his mom could have loved his dad and also love her new husband, because she loves them differently is so perfectly, preciously young of him.

So Beam's parents stole everything Jim had except the damn car after Beam's death, and they could do that because Jim had no legal protections as Beam's partner, and Beam put nothing in place for him. He LITERALLY had to start from scratch when Beam died. I think we've finally found some villains in this piece. Also Thai BL continues its marriage equality push.

Jim is FINALLY gonna close that damn diner and I'm happy and sad at the same time. Him deciding not to buy the place and also cancelling the lease is him finally taking a step forward into his life after Beam.

Finale tomorrow! What the hell am I gonna do when this show is over?

#moonlight chicken #midnight series: moonlight chicken #the moon is beautiful tonight #bl meta series

[kix-mm]

G/t build up and break down

Holy shit 54 votes??

Also side note: due to my health I wasn't able to make any art for this post as promised, it'll be released in a separate post and the continuing art will be of what I've made in the past. I'm really sorry but I don't want to keep you all waiting :(

T had always been a sensitive soul, not only to sound and touch but to words too, and yet, somehow they managed to always keep themselves calm and collected, never showing those who would hurt their feelings a single care in the world... they would suppress their feelings, which was already difficult and unhealthy, but it only became harder over time...

G had gotten so used to T being unaffected by their words that G slowly but surely became more and more careless with their teasing, making downright nasty comments about T without actually realizing it hurt their friend, what was even worse is that T also tended to agree with everything G had to say, breaking down any slither of self-worth they still had.

T at this point considered G more of a bully than their friend, but still stuck by them, for days, weeks, months, and a whole 2 years this went on before it finally became too much to handle.

T was emotionally drained and just wanted to be left alone... but unfortunately, G had noticed that T was more quiet than usual, and was being extra pushy to get T to open up to them, G was persistent, too persistent...

"You're so sensitive"

That very last comment made wasn't even the worst T had heard, yet that was what made T finally break into tears, they cried and cried and cried, rubbing the tears away for only more to come streaming down their red cheeks, they just stood there, sobbing profusely. They didn't care what G thought of them anymore, they were hurt, they had put up with G's careless commentary and this is what they got for not being honest about their feelings.

G sat there, completely silent, they had never seen T cry before, and they weren't sure what exactly caused it but G knew that they had probably gone too far... but how? What had happened to T that made them cry this much? Who hurt them so badly that they didn't want to tell their best friend? G was furious at first and was about to persist before T started to spill the truth, how hurt they felt, how the teasing had become more painful than fun after a while, and how they regretted not speaking up sooner...

G slowly picked up the other, gently wiping their tears away with their sleeve and just listening to everything they had to say... this went on for about an hour and T had finally fallen silent like they were before, only this time they looked worried, they had said things that they had never said to anyone before, ever, and the last person they wanted to suddenly vent to was the one who had made them feel like this in the first place... but G didn't get upset for what T had said, instead they were frustrated why T never told G about it until today.

"Did you mean all that you said?" G asked while looking at T, lying curled up in their hand.

"No- I mean- I" T could already feel more tears filling their eyes, and it hadn't even been 2 minutes since they last cried

"Don't backpedal now" G said in a harsh tone and made T face them "I'm not mad at you for saying all that to me, I'm mad that you never said this before. Why? Did you think I would have hurt you? Are you so scared that you would rather suffer in silence than try to communicate with me? Did you think I tried to hurt you on purpose?"

"Yes... I was scared, I was terrified! I didn't want to say anything in case you thought I was being too sensitive." T said while tubbing their eyes

"I wouldn't have thought that! Maybe you are sensitive, there's nothing wrong with that, please just don't do that ever again, okay? I'll be more careful with my words, I promise you can tell me in the future if I hurt you" G never made promises unless he knew they could keep them, and he did, it took T a long time, a very long time. But they got better, more honest, more vocal about how they felt and their opinion on certain things, they were less afraid of their friends reaction because they felt safer around G.

#g/t community #gentle giant #giant/tiny #g/t #gt community #my characters #my ocs #oc #own character #my oc art #gt writing #g/t art #g/t drawing #g/t ocs #gt story #gt art #sfw gt #g/t related #giant oc #giant tiny #tiny oc #giant #sfw g/t #writerscorner #writblr #short story #angst

[recurring-polynya]

Hi! First, I just wanted to say that I've been reading your work for a long time. I love your point of view on these characters and am so excited to keep reading Damage History!

I'm curious what you think it would have been like if Kaien lived. More specifically, how would he have reacted to Rukia and Renji's relationship? Would he make Renji fight him after he finished with Byakuya? Would he be scheming with the other lieutenants to push them together? What do you think?

Thank you so much!

This is a Good Question! I think there are two different ways to look at it, which we will look at under the cut, because I can tell you right away this is gonna Get Long.

Scenario 1. Everything goes exactly as in canon, except that now, Kaien is there.

This is going to sound a little goofy, but I think it is so interesting that there are so many small changes that you can make to Bleach canon that just suck all of the air out of the story, and this is one of them. The Soul Society Arc isn't quite a tragedy, but it has a lot of the bones of a tragedy, in the sense that things had to line up in exactly the right way for it to go so terribly wrong. Some of it is obviously Aizen's machinations, but some of it is simple bad luck, or human nature (for a generous interpretation of "human"), or some combination of the above.

A very notable aspect of Rukia and Renji's part of this story is how alone both of them are, how let down they are by the people who ought to be there for them. Byakuya is the most obvious example, but Rukia's captain wants to advocate for her, but he's sick and behind the eight-ball on everything that follows. Her Third Seats are too busy with Ukitake, and don't have the political capital anyway. Kaien is dead. Like, that is a very important thing that happened. He ought to be the one fighting for her, and he isn't and she blames herself for that. Is Renji there for her? He has no reason to be, in Rukia's mind, and he seems to be sticking to his duty for now, but we, the readers, can tell that's not such a certainty.

Renji is really alone, too. He's just started out with a new captain who hasn't turned out to be the man Renji thought he was. He can't go backward, though--Kenpachi and Ikkaku and Yumichika are already the first ones in line to go fight the ryouka. Hinamori and Kira make it clear early on that their loyalty to their own captains takes priority over Renji's old friend, and Hisagi ends up following suit. I will never stop being impressed by the richness of the scene where Aizen tries to buddy up to Renji, because he's really pinpointed Renji's vulnerability here.

This really sets the stage perfectly for Ichigo to blow onto the scene and be the one person who inspires Renji to throw everything to the wind and choose to save Rukia.

Now, if you back up and put Kaien back into the mix, it ratchets the dramatic tension down about twenty notches. For starters, it would probably be Kaien who would get sent to the Living World to retrieve Rukia. I can't imagine it could have gone worse than ending with Byakuya cutting Ichigo down in the street. In all likelihood, Rukia would have been more willing to go back in the first place, knowing that there is someone who is going to be willing to hear her out fairly, even if she ends up in trouble for it.

Renji's been waiting for her to get back, and I think he would try to go see her, even if she were under house arrest or similar. On one hand, I think he might still give her some shit for getting herself in trouble, but it wouldn't be the utter disaster their canon reunion was, and I think he could pretty firmly offer her his support from the get-go, maybe not officially (but that's okay, because she's got her vice-captain for that) but at least emotionally, something that was a lot harder to tease apart when he was her actual jailkeeper.

Even if Byakuya and Renji are still the ones who arrest her and that all goes the same, at the point where Byakuya announces that he's not going to do anything to help Rukia, I think Kaien would step up and make a huge, public fuss. I'm not saying it would be easy for Renji to go against his captain on the downlow, but it would certainly be easier than straight-up treasoning. I can def see him approaching Kaien, like "I do not want her to get executed and I will help you in any way I can to prevent that from happening" and Kaien would be like "I do not know who you are, but thanks, I will keep that in mind."

In either case, I think Kaien would now end up the main shinigami character of the Soul Society Arc. There would be no real reason for Renji to confront Ichigo, so either Kaien would take that role, or it would just be skipped. Kaien would be the one to fight Byakuya--they've obviously had beef for a long time, and unlike Renji, I think Kaien might actually stand a chance. He'd probably send Renji off to go try to interrupt the execution, or maybe he'd just have Miyako do it, who knows!

Assuming that everything sort of falls out as it does in canon, I think at the end of the day, Kaien would be like "yeah, that Renji guy is a nice kid, he helped me out some, seems devoted to Rukia." At this point, though, Renji has been stripped of all of his big character moments. He probably didn't even make bankai. I assume Byakuya fired him. Much like Renji and Hisana, it's very hard for Renji and Kaien to occupy the same space in a story! I know this feels kinda lame, but it's because the story has to be the way it is! That's what makes it so good the way it is!

Scenario 2. This is more of a character-based scenario, where the entire Rukia execution debacle never happened. Maybe Aizen decided that Kaien would solve everything and made different plans. Maybe Renji got promoted a year earlier. Regardless, we've got a peacetime scenario, business-as-usual, Kuchiki-the-Senior makes the most insane hiring decision Kaien has ever heard of, and then the punk shows up at Kaien's division and makes overtures at Kaien's beloved protege??

Kaien would be in tears. He would think this was the funniest thing he had ever seen. He would assume that the whole thing was entirely unserious and would tease Rukia mercilessly about it (and also offer to beat up Renji if he was bothering her). Rukia would be mortified. Miyako would have to grab Kaien by the ear and drag him off and yell at him extensively. He would apologize to Rukia about it, but also continue to insist that Renji is ridiculous. Renji would challenge him to a fight and lose and then let Rukia put Chappy bandages all of over his face. Then Rukia would challenge Kaien to a fight, in order to avenge Renji's honor, and Kaien would realize the error of his ways, especially after Miyako refuses to put any Chappy bandages on his face. They would be friends after that, but Kaien would still call Renji "kid" and "punk" all the time, even at lieutenants' meetings.

#kaien shiba #renji abarai #rukia kuchiki #version 2 might make kind of a cute fanfic ngl #the problem with that one tho is that now you've blown byakuya's opportunity for a relationship with both rukia and renji #byakuya: listen up renji i am going to teach you my family sword form #renji: don't i have to marry into the family for that #byakuya: (criminy i want him to wreck shiba's stupid face so so so bad) yeah ok fine

[doctorofmagic]

Relating to the other post about Clea's current character changes (Tumblr wouldn't allow me to put all this in one comment, so I thought this was a better format): I've been constantly thinking about Clea and how having her memories wiped of Stephen may have effected her ever since we saw her re-appear in TDODS. Nothing I say here is a fact based on info Marvel gave us. As far as I've been able to tell, unless I've missed some non-main title run appearance or mention, no comic has covered what exactly happened to Clea like where she went or what she went to do. Her wiki only mentions her getting her memories back "shortly after" she loses them. If I missed something that gives context, please do correct me so I can fill myself in! As for why I think she is the way she is now in the current run, my brains just been connecting it to her lost memories. That could be that due to the lost memories she went somewhere or did something that made her darker overall, maybe being manipulated without memories of being taught and guided by Stephen (I know that she wasn't kind and caring because of him, but due to how her family is and the state of the Dark Dimension at the time, he definitely kept her on track to a degree). If we think of it this way, depending on how the whole memory erasing thing worked, would she have gotten to keep memories that involved him, such as the Defenders, or would those be gone too because he was there? In this route, could she have felt her attempts at being kinder and more caring than her later-discovered family may have been futile? Without acquaintances like her friends she met from meeting Stephen, she may feel as though no one was there to encourage her to continue trying things this way. She doesn't remain on the throne once getting it, so maybe she feels she has to turn in a new direction to protect herself and/or her people? Does the memory erasing mean he's just kind of a blur or a stranger in memories he is in? Or does it mean that her life took on a different path maybe in the Dark Dimension, as it clearly effected her in the past too. (This way would assume Clea at all points in time forgot Stephen, which could lead her down a different road. If this is the case, her memories of one lifetime could be clashing with the memories of her new lifetime so to say. I don't know if any of that made sense, I struggle to put it in words sometimes). It could also be that she's never fully recovered from losing those memories emotionally. We know she's been pretty upset since getting them back, first in a grieving/saddened manner, then in a more anger based way because she regained them only to lose the man they were about. She's gotten him back now, but that's not going to make it like things never happened, so she could still be on that anger based stage and she doesn't even realize she's becoming the way she is (I know this was referred to as "Blaming" grief in the last post, but depending on how truly "short" that timeframe between losing her memories and regaining them was there could be a lot more we really don't know. This could also be her struggling with grief, as we quickly see her go to the anger stage of it. She likely often dealt with grief in a war setting during the rebellion, which could make it harder for her to process?) Overall not knowing what happened to her and not having that covered has generally been a nitpick of mine since we got partway into this story, as I can see why it hasn't yet been tackled but the upcoming books don't make it sound like we'd be getting that information anytime soon either. (Again this is if I didn't miss something previously). Sorry again for things not making sense potentially, and for the wall of text. Again I'm not saying this is for sure whats happening, just how my mind tries to explain what we haven't yet had explained.

Nauuur, you're absolutely right!

Little is known to Clea's time in the Dark Dimension, even before her memories were wiped out. In fact, there's a HUGE gap between their "breakup" and her appearance in v5, when she helps Stephen with the whole Galactus situation.

There's this book (Sisters of Sorcery) that follows the Defenders/The Order storyline and highlights Clea as the protagonist, but you can't quite consider it canon in comics. Besides, it wouldn't explain her characterization in Strange v3 and DS v6.

The thing about erasing Clea's memories is that, as you pointed out, we do not know if it's just *Stephen's figure* or every other connection she did outside the Dark Dimension. We tend to forget that Clea often felt lonely in the Sanctum, and escaped this loneliness through her bonds with the Defenders (Patsy and Valkyrie being her closest friends). I know we hate *that* Defenders run, but it happened as well. She connected to other heroes in that meantime.

I do have the impression that Stephen was indeed her first contact with kindness, since she grew up under both Umar's and Dormammu's influences. Also his father SUCKS. In a cold world, she found warm in Stephen. So is this feeling still there when her memories of him were taken? We don't know, and this is why we need a flashback of her moments in the Dark Dimension. We don't know how she became the Sorceress Supreme, we don't know how the rebellion went, we don't know how she survived the Empirikul on her own. All we know is that she looked for Stephen the moment The Peregrine Child threatened her dimension. And here's my only reservation about this theory.

Clea's characterization in DODS. She appears to be vulnerable and sweet, especially in Lee's art.

What I *think* it could trigger her fierce side and justifies her angrier characterization is the fact that she lost Stephen twice in front of her very own eyes, and three times in the span of a week. Maybe something broke in her heart, and the fact that she had to keep proving to everyone that she was capable of carrying the mantle of the Sorcerer Supreme could have shifted the balance of her heart. Let's not forget that few heroes were kind and empathetic enought to her grief (which explains why she befriended Moon Knight so quickly). Only Wong and Bats were facing the same levels of grief and they were all dealing with it in their own ways.

With that being said, we don't know if it's Jed's choice to portray her in such aggressive manner as to oppose her melancholic self in DODS or it's all part of a larger scenario where he'll exploit her characterization in order for her to find her balance once more. We don't have answers for that and it's very frustrating, especially for Clea fans, but I still have hope that we'll see something about it soon enough. I often trust Jed so I'm patiently waiting haha As the saying goes, "it is what it is".

Also, no worries!! I appreciate your long text and your sharing your thoughts and theories with us!! Thank you so much for passing by, I hope our concerns are addressed soon enough!

#how can the sorcerer supreme be of assistance? #ask #clea strange #stephen strange #doctor strange #marvel comics

[msnihilist]

you know about the fanfiction thing you said I remembered that I always wanted a long fic about ben which is about him disappearing and getting captured and and when while everyone think he's dead all the people who care about him come running to his rescue and kind of like help him to cure his mental or physical wounds but never really saw anyone writing it actually and I'm not that good to write something like this :( so I just wanted to know does anyone like something similar to this story lol

Well, anon, there are two sure-fire ways to get what you want: do it yourself, or pay someone else to do it. (I happen to take commissions, and I'm currently working on a Ben 10 one right now!)

I think you can do it yourself, though :) You already have an idea, and passion is the perfect starting point! Why not open a document and just write a scene that you think would be cool? You don't have to share it with anyone. Everyone starts somewhere.

I've actually got a WIP that's pretty similar to your idea that I'm about 8.5k words deep in. It's about Ben going missing and the lengths his friends go to in order to bring him home.

While I work on that, here's some already-posted Ben-whump fics to keep you busy, anon. And remember: leave comments if you want to foster a community. If you enjoy any of these fics, please let the author know!

These three are all oneshots.

Old Wounds, New Bruises by lenin_it_to_win_it

After seeing some of Ben's scars for the first time, Rook is determined to protect his partner from further injury. However, Ben's emotional wounds prove harder to manage.

Only Fools Would Love Me by Yalvaberry

"Ben, Ben, please, please, please no, I don't-" A sob.

Kevin looks back. His mind feels jumbled, split into two - Morgg is getting away! - but his feet don't want to cooperate, they seem to have a mind of their own as they carefully lead him back up the tunnel he came from.

"Ben, what do I-"

Kevin listens as he trudges back. The dirt crunches beneath his feet. Curiosity pulls at him, pushes him forward, morbid, because somehow, somewhere in his head, he thinks he already knows what he's going to see.

Set during the episode "...Nor Iron Bars a Cage" in Ultimate Alien. What if Kevin accidentally kills Ben inside the mines?

You Can Hold Him (Just Not Too Close) by MashpotatoeQueen

Ben puts the Omnitrix back on, and she stares at it in hatred- only for a moment though, just one moment- and wishes that her cousin had never found it. Because now Ben isn’t a fan of being held, not anymore, and the reason for it lies in that stupid watch.

(That stupid watch that saved the world, that makes Ben feel safe even as it puts him in danger.)

But she says nothing, nothing until late one night Ben calls her, and his voice is shaky and a little too high to be normal, breathing coming too fast and jokes falling a little flat, and she remembers the conversations at three AM in the old Rustbucket and this time she gets them for what they are.

She hums, says quietly, “Ben, you’re okay, you’re okay. You’re safe.”

And Ben laughs, except it sounds a bit like crying, and he’s murmuring about how sorry he is, about how he usually calls Grandpa Max, but that Grandpa Max is gone and he doesn’t know what to do-

“It’s fine.”

It’s not- her kid cousin being too terrified to be alone in the dark in his own room will never be okay- but she doesn’t say that. Just hums again, quietly, and says, “It’s fine, Ben,” and prays that it will be soon.

Here are some of my own fics that deal with Ben-centric hurt/comfort:

Nothing Left to Say

Gwendolyn makes the executive decision that Ben needs to be emotionally vulnerable for a day. The fastest and easiest way to achieve that is with a truth potion. It seems like a good idea on paper, but it soon becomes clear why the formula is a forbidden one.

Some things, it seems, are better left unsaid.

Meteor Shower

With the aftermath of Captian Nemesis’ escape from prison and Jennifer Nocturne’s alleged kidnapping, Kevin realized that he had some mending to do with his teammates. [Episode continuation of “Catch a Falling Star.”]

Put Your Strength Down

There's blood smeared on the doorknob when Sandra gets home. Her stomach clenches with worry, but it doesn't rattle her the way that it used to.

Every time she does this, Sandra reminds herself that it could always be worse.

Choose

The timer starts at fifty-nine, and it immediately begins counting down.

Kevin only has a minute to make a choice that he'll regret for the rest of his life.

Overload

Overloading the Omnitrix should be near-impossible, but as faulty as the Ultimatrix is, Ben really shouldn’t be surprised that it blows up in his face. Literally.

01001001

The Omnitrix had long-since been, well, attached to Ben’s wrist. Unfortunately, Ben didn’t anticipate just how far it would go to always be a part of him.

The World Grows Green Again

When Ben's life is saved by a masked stranger, it offers Ben and Rook a glimpse into a horrible future.

Diamonds Are Forever

A year after Petropia’s re-creation, Ben and Rook are assigned a deceivingly simple job on the planet — overseeing an "official yearly Plumber check" to ensure that societal development and reassimilation with the galaxy is going smoothly.

With Tetrax acting as their guide, it soon becomes clear that not all is as it seems. Digging through conspiracies and figuring out who can be trusted, they find that the glittering surface of the planet is covering a horrible plot against the Petrosapiens, which may hide roots closer to home than any of them realized.

NOTE: This is definitely the fic where I hurt Ben the most! Emotionally, psychologically, and especially physically. He leaves this fic permanently disfigured. Ben gets stabbed, passes out from blood loss, watches his allies get killed in front of him, is experimented on, fed through a tube, is betrayed again and again, and much, much more.

There's also a section of this fic where Ben is kidnapped and Rook, Gwen, and Kevin must work together to rescue him.

I tagged DAF with blood and gore, body horror, major injuries, and I'm not fucking joking!!

Anyway, anon, I hope that provides some reading material/writing inspiration :) Good luck! I believe in you!!!

#ask #ben 10 #ben tennyson #my writing #fanfic rec #anonymous

[estcsy]

Hello! I need advice on shifting and ur like the only person ik on here that does it😀 basically I used to be super hyperfixated on shifting but it never worked out and I got super frustrated, now it's been a long time and I'm trying to get back into it but idk how. I have adhd and have trouble staying focused. I've done meditations but even the ones specially made for ppl with adhd dont really seem to do anything. I'm good at visualizing, it gets me very tingly and almost convinced that I am fully there, but after a short while my eyes hurt and they feel like they cross when I try to visualise with them closed and opening them makes it harder to focus. And overall I cant really seem to get a grip on shifting as much as I used to anymore, cus I cant get really emotionally into it, so I'll try it once and then completely forget abt it and I feel like I'm not making any progress :((

U dont have to reply! Feel free to ignore this!!

I WOULD NEVER EVER IGNORE YOUUU :D

i totally get you tho, i’m the same and especially in the beginning i had a lot of trouble focusing. but the best advice that i have for that is one of twos things

1. just do what feels right

if you have trouble focusing or have something like adhd doing something you don’t really feel like doing won’t work AT ALL so if you already struggle with that and you think the method is boring or something along those lines you won’t get anywhere. so please just do what you want. since you’re good at visualization i’d stick to that and have fun with it! :D laying in the dark counting is so boring so please just use your imagination however you’d like

2. try while you’re sleepy

for this, try to sleep for about 2 - 4 hours and then wake up and start doing your method, when you’re sleepy it’s kinda hard to focus on more then one thing so i think visualizing while you’re tired might work for you :D (and don’t worry about not falling asleep, just set your mind to waking up where you’re shifting to and you should be fine) 

but other than that about your problem about feeling like you don’t have as good of a grip on shifting, that’s totally fine! i think being chill about it is better than being hyperfixated on it

also try shifting somewhere that you really really wanna go or like a new place if that makes any sense? if you’ve been trying to shift for a while to the same place and you kinda feel like you’ve lost passion for going there that’s okay and understandable, just try and make sure that you feel excited about where you’re going because it can be hard when that spark of motivate of really wanting to go there is gone

and i know that might sound sad but that dr will always be there and you can always go later :D

good luck tell me how it goes 🫂🫂🫂🫶🏻

ALSO THE EYES CROSSING THING DRIVES ME CRAZY AS WELL UGH

[morrisxn02]

ogden college (un)official class playlist ! available NOW at a therapist near you !

PART ONE: the student body

lacy by olivia rodrigo・henrietta astor

"oh, i care, i care, i care. like ribbons that you wear. my stomach's all in knots. you've got the one thing that i want..."

hurricane by halsey・reina azarolla

“i’m a wanderer, i’m a one-night-stand. don’t belong to no city, don’t belong to no man. i’m the violence in the pouring rain. i’m a hurricane.”

american teenager by ethel cain・ida clarke

“grew up under yellow lights on the street, putting too much faith in the make believe.”

this link is dead by deftones・lincoln crawford 

"pay attention! watch me close! as i decide which way i move"

february 15h by hobo johnson・nova dodson

"she went to columbia and i went to jail. i just wanted another apple when she really wanted yale. and that is the problem where all of this lies. i'm emotionally unstable. i'm a crazy fucking guy!"

crocodile tears by suzanna son・sassa fiske

"crocodile sitting all alone, painting nails the shade of pink to match princess peach's cheek. maybe they'll think i'm beautiful. maybe i can trick them."

perfect day by hoku・charlie fletcher 

“people say, they say that it’s just a phase. they tell me to act my age. well, i am.” 

the boy who blocked his own shot by brand new・jesse hart 

“a crown of gold, a heart harder than stone and it hurts to hold on, but it’s missed when it’s gone”

happy by marina・carmen hearst

"couldn't relax, couldn't sit back and let the sunlight in my lap. i sang a hymn to bring me peace and then came a melody."

too much by carlie rae jepsen・ollie inoue

"i live for the fire, and the rain, and the drama too, boy. and it feels like you never say what you want, and it feels like i can't get through, babe."

nina cried power by hozier and mavis staples・ mika ishii

“power has been cried by those stronger than me straight into the face that tells you to rattle your chains if you love being free. ah lord, and i could cry power!”

people watching by conan gray・logan iyande

“i’m only looking just to live through you vicariously. i’ve never really been in love, not seriously.”

summer child by conan gray・samantha jimenez 

"and you laugh and you dance in the wind, and you sway, and you hug and you kiss, but there's darkness behind those eyes."

savage daughter by sarah hester ross・ nixie linghui

“i am my mother’s savage daughter. the one who runs barefoot, cursing sharp stones. i am my mother’s savage daughter. i will not cut my hair. i will not lower my voice.”

mirrorball by taylor swift・roxie marsh

“hush. when no one is around, my dear, you’ find me on my tallest tiptoes, spinning in my highest heels, love. shinning just for you.”

don’t tell my mom by renée rapp・courtney mills

“so don’t tell my mom i’m falling apart. she hurts when i hurt. my scars are her scars. she’ll talk to her friends, impress all of them. at least in her mind, her daughter is fine.”

donttrustme by 3oh!3・cara morrison

“she's an actress, but she ain't got no need. she's got money from her parents and a trust fund back east."

halloween by novo amor・edward morrison 

“more and more with every accolade, i get carried with away with being carried away.”

i did something bad by taylor swift・greer morrison

"they're burning all the witches even if you aren't one. so light me up. go ahead and light me up."

autoestima by cupido, lola indigo and alizzz・ milo navarro

“my mother and my father gave me an extremely nice face. people don’t usually like pretty people like me.”

forsaken by paris paloma・alethea pierce

"i think i've done something to upset the stars again. the moon won't return my calls, but i deserve it. i deserve it all.”

strange overtones by david byrne, performed by whitney・lennon reed

"how long have i been missing? it's getting colder tonight. snowfall's reminiscing... i watched it melt before my eyes."

frankenstein by rina saywama・magnolia rhodes

"put me together, thread a needle so i'm like other people without all of the evil. i'm trying to be normal, but the trauma is immortal and none of this is your fault."

baseball by hippo campus・monty richler

“there goes that moonboy looking jungly with all his leaves a-growing.”

king by florence and the machine・anya saetang

"my empty halls echo with grand self-mythology. i am no mother, i am no bride. i am king."

stick season by noah kahan・nathaniel shaw 

“now i'm stuck between my anger and the blame that i can't face and the memories are something even smoking weed does not replace." 

liability by lorde・natalia vega

"she's so hard to please, but she's a forest fire. i do my best to meet her demands, play at romance, we slow dance in the living room, but all a stranger would see is one girl, swaying alone, stroking her cheek."

satanist by boygenius・jacqui velazquez 

“will you be a nihilist with me? if nothing matters, man, that’s a relief…”

you're on your own, kid by taylor swift・parker walsh

"there were pages turned with the bridges burned, everything you lose is a step you take. so make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it. you've got no reason to be afraid. you're on your own kid. yeah, you can face this..."

river by leon bridges・malik wright 

"as my sins flow down the jordan, oh, i wanna come near ya and give ya every part of me. but there's blood in my hands, and my lips aren't clean..."

tolerate it by taylor swift・mari zuko

“i made you my temple, my mural, my sky. now i’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life.”

#{ nos tout premiers secrets comme un peu caché sous les lumières | musings. } #ogdeninspo

[lantur]

mental health stuff,

October marks my four-year anniversary of being in therapy. I have a wonderful relationship with my therapist. She's helped me get through a lot of challenges, from major life stressors like my dad's diagnosis and death, and dealing with my emotionally abusive mother, to dealing with struggles with anxiety, depression, ADHD, workplace issues, etc. 

I've gone from seeing my therapist once a week when I need the extra support, to once a month. She's really happy with the routines and coping skills I've developed, and she joked the other day that she's working herself out of a job - but we won't stop therapy until I'm ready. 

I feel a bit self-conscious about being in therapy for four years, since I don't think most people stay in for that long. Derek pointed out that I was on a great trajectory until last summer when my dad was diagnosed and things took a pretty steep downturn mental health-wise then, which is to be expected. 

I'm really happy with the coping skills I've developed over the years too. I have so many more close friends than I used to, and I know what works for me with regard to managing my ADHD and more or less managing my depression and anxiety. 

One thing I still struggle with is processing my feelings. What I want to do is journal more often, and get my feelings out in between therapy visits. I've used my Tumblr as a journal for 10+ years, which is wild, but I want to be more consistent about it. I write when I'm happy and feeling good, usually at the end of the weekend. 

I want to write more when I'm feeling not so good. And I have been feeling not so good this week. I pride myself on my resilience and my ability to bounce back from difficult, painful situations; on the fact that I can survive and sort-of thrive even in situations that are not ideal. So it's hard for me to admit when I'm not doing so well. I also don't like to dwell on negative emotions, and I choose to emphasize my more positive feelings instead. But I think I have to feel the negative and get it out so I can move on.

I've been having a hard time bouncing back from how bad I felt after my mom's disastrous visit in September. The whole first week after she left, I felt so sad. Last week and so far this week, I've felt so much anger. So much anger over the way she treated me last month, but also last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that… 

It's a bitter and confusing thing to have your own mother, who should love you and support you and encourage and uplift you, treat you like dirt. To deliberately try to hurt you at every turn; to always try to tear you down by saying that you're not doing enough, not giving her enough. I tried so hard, SO HARD, for so many years, to make her happy. I was her therapist at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, with no mental health training or background, with major mental health struggles of my own, trying to talk her out of depression, out of suicide. 

No matter what I said or did, it was never enough to make her happy. When I finally broke free of that pattern of trying everything to make her happy - after I started therapy - then she started punishing me with escalating emotional and verbal abuse for making my own life choices that didn't align with the life she wanted me to have. 

For a long time, I felt a huge void in my life due to not being able to have a relationship with my brother due to my adoption. Over time, I've done a lot to fill that void, with my wonderful friends, who are like family to me. It's harder to replace my mom, though. She can't be in my life anymore because she has proven herself truly incapable of treating me with kindness, love, and respect. Nobody in my life has ever hurt me more than she has. 

I have so much anger about my mom treating me the way she has, because I deserved better. I was a child and a teenager who didn't know that at the time, but I see it now. I would never treat a child the way she treated/treats me, let alone my own child. 

I admit it makes me jealous when I see Derek and my friends with good relationships with their moms. It makes me aware that I don't have that. A positive, supportive, loving relationship with your mother seems like such a gift. All I get from mine, all I've gotten for years, is pain. And moms aren't "replaceable," I guess. I can't swap out my mom with someone else, the way I kind of have with my friends / my family of choice as my siblings. 

Derek says that his parents think of me like a daughter, which is sweet, but it's not the same. My greatest hope right now is that one day, I can finally have a good experience of a mother-child relationship, with a child of our own. I deeply hope it works out. 

#lanturing