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TASK I: CHARACTER PLAYLIST LISTEN TO THE FULL PLAYLIST HERE.

while a lot of these songs are definitely something that kai would listen to, this is really a playlist of songs that represent kai's thoughts, feelings, vibes, personality, etc. throughout her life. some of them represent a person, a place, or an event, but overall it's just a through the years look at kai's emotions and an in depth look at who she is.

Nina, Ella Luna ( like a book I have written, but never have read )

this is actually the song in kai's little character blurb thing and it's essentially a glimpse of what kai desires. there's this whole life for herself that she imagines where she has love and inspiration and there's a sense of comfort and simplicity and stillness but in the best way possible. she's never known what this thing is – feeling content – and it's almost like sometimes she gets a glimpse of it only for it to be just this temporary thing that she's cooked up in her head.

Over the Rainbow, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole ( where trouble melts like lemon drops )

this was a song that her father would sing to her a lot as a child. her mother actually told her that it was one of his favorite songs to sing to kai back when she was nothing but a baby bump. like it was definitely one of those songs you hear a lot on the island, but growing up, it always meant something different for kai. for kai, that song was about the tremendous amount of love in her family. it was also the first song she'd learn on ukulele ( taught by her father, of course ). now with her dad gone, it's a song of comfort and one of the ways that makes her feel close to her dad again. singing it helps to make all of her anxieties go away, even if only for a little bit.

Ribs, Lorde ( and i've never felt more alone, it feels so scary, getting old ) Vienna, Billy Joel ( when will you realize vienna waits for you? )

both of these are just very poignant songs about adolescence. ribs hits at more of the bittersweetness ( is that a word ?? ) of growing up and the kind of fear that goes along with that because you feel like you're leaving a lot of things behind. vienna is more about how kai, like a lot of teens, really was in a rush to grow up. her mom was working a lot and kai essentially became an almost parent for her younger sister, too. i think for kai, that was really the peak of her being like 'i just wanna be grown and be my own person and do what i want to do' without realizing that the rest of her life can wait, she doesn't have to rush towards it.

Bags (Recorded at Electric Lady Studios), Clairo ( can you see me using everything to hold back? )

this just feels like one of those quintessential 'queer girl has feelings for her best friend who's a girl' songs, so that's basically what it signifies. just one of those classic young queer experiences that kai also went through. her name was emily and she'd grown up thinking she didn't like the other girl because she too smart, too nice, too perfect, that it just couldn't be real. then the two of them became best friends in middle school and kai realized exactly what she was feeling – and it wasn't hate.

Lava, Kuana Torress Kahele, Napua Greig, James Ford Murphy ( no longer are they all alone with aloha as their new home )

young love is just so idealistic and beautiful and maybe a little too romantic, but that didn't stop kai from pining. she wanted to find that forever love so badly, to find someone else who may have been waiting to found and to be loved like she was. she wanted the kind of love her parents had, the kind where you find the half of your soul, the person that just makes everything make sense. to find a future with that person and make a home with that person... that was what kai wanted more than anything.

all the kids are depressed, Jeremy Zucker ( i think too much, we drink too much ) LIMBO, keshi ( i am a fraud, i am the shit, hoping that nobody notice ) GROWING UP IS _____, Ruel ( new regrets, new mistakes, growin’ up is strange )

these songs are essentially just all about the struggle and weirdness of growing up. through most of kai's life, she always was sort of the odd one out – getting in trouble in class for not paying attention, doing too much, not doing enough – and sometimes growing up, there's so many conflicting things that people are telling you that you sort of get whiplash from it all because you never feel like you're doing anything right. but through it all, you kind of just pretend you're okay, pretend that you know what you're doing even though everything is still so new to you.

champagne problems, Taylor Swift ( i dropped your hand while dancing, left you out there standing ) coney island (feat. The National), Taylor Swift, The National ( do you miss the rogue who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? )

a pivotal moment in kai's life was when her sister got sick. at that point, i like to think that she was in a pretty committed relationship and it was a very strong one, not something that she had really had before. it was one of those relationships where you hit it off and suddenly you're everything to each other and you finally found what must be the one person in the world that gets you. but the second kai came back to cape may for her sister, everything fell apart. instead of finding comfort in the other, kai pulled away, and it very much became a "i can't do this right now, i'm sorry, you deserve better than me" kind of situation. to this day, she regrets the way she left things, how she ran and abandoned them instead of just communicating. instead of trying to make it work.

Castles Crumbling (feat. Hayley Williams)(Taylor's Version)(From the Vault), Taylor Swift, Hayley Williams ( and you don't want to know me, i will just let you down )

man, oh man. the night that kai got that phone call about her sister being in the hospital, it was like everything she had built and worked for disappeared. all that mattered was getting home and making sure her family had the support they needed. she finished out the year at temple and immediately went home. she doesn't even think she said goodbye to her roommate before hopping on a bus to get back to cape may. part of her thinks she gave up everything too easily, too quickly – like maybe she had been too eager to leave. a huge part of her thinks that her family is disappointed in her for leaving a place where she was finally thriving to come back to cape may just to do... whatever.

Everything to Everyone (Intro), Reneé Rapp ( forget all your problems, you know that i'm gonna solve 'em )

when kai first came back to cape may, she forced herself to be the stronghold of the family. her mother was busy trying to figure out how to pay all the bills while hoping every day and night that she wouldn't have to mourn a child. at the same time, kai was having to watch over her sister and make sure she was comfortable, that she always had someone with her for her treatments. while she doesn't blame her family, she didn't necessarily have an outlet for the despair that she herself was feeling. and with her trying so hard to be strong for everybody else, she'd cut out anyone who would have checked on her.

Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High?, Arctic Monkeys ( incapable of makin' alright decisions and having bad ideas ) Renegade, Big Red Machine, Taylor Swift ( is it really your anxiety that stops you from giving me everything or do you just not want to? )

these two songs really exemplify the period of kai's life when she was back in cape may and having a hard time adjusting to being back and she was just up the wazoo making all kinds of bad decisions. there were so many nights where she'd go out and drink and find hookups and it was really a way for her to get out her frustrations about being "stuck" in cape may again, a place that's never really felt like her place. any relationship she had at this time was very short-lived, with kai just being so closed off to any type of commitment, and it led to kai being on the receiving end of a lot of people telling her to get her shit together because otherwise, she just was never going to have a relationship that worked.

Always Get This Way, The Aces ( and i'm trying really hard not to fall apart if you don't mind )

the worst part about coming back to cape may, especially after everything had settled down with kalea's diagnosis, was when everyone kept trying to figure out what she was going to do next – are you going back to school? are you going back to pennsylvania? are there any closer schools? i heard you were doing well at temple, i'm sure they'd be glad to have you back! those months were when when the insomnia started. her restlessness would bleed into the early hours of the morning, and she'd be out walking to the beach at sunrise. the last thing she wanted was have everyone be disappointed in her or be upset with her for not picking up the life she left behind. kai was just trying to keep it together.

this is me trying, Taylor Swift ( so i got wasted like all my potential )

this song kind of plays on the theme of kai feeling like she's disappointed a lot of people, especially her family. she was finally in a place in her life where she felt like she was completely and wholly herself and that that was a good thing, but she decided to leave it all overnight and not go back to it. she has this fear that even if she tried to go back, it wouldn't be the same and it wouldn't be good for her anymore. so instead, she'll do her best to make a life in cape may and help support her mother and see her sister off to college. and hopefully in the process she'll stop mourning the life she lost and find a way to forgive herself and move on and find something else to make her feel like herself again.

Sometimes - From "Fire Island", MUNA ( sometimes i run, sometimes i hide ) Searching For A Feeling, Thirdstory ( you won't get far, with my cold, cold heart can't give you something i can't find )

kai hasn't been in a committed relationship since college, where it crashed and burned because of her running back home. there's so much in her that can love, but the thought of being in a relationship genuinely terrifies her. the idea of losing someone in the way her mother lost her father is enough of a deterrent without adding on the fact that she almost lost her sister, too. kai has essentially convinced herself that she's just... not good with love. every time someone thinks they can break through the walls she's built, kai only reinforces them. she thinks it's better this way, that people are better off finding someone who can love them back the way they deserve.

Who Do You Think You Are?, The Band Camino ( how did you get so far away from everything you thought you'd be at seventeen? ) i drive me mad, renforshort ( eyes closed, not sleeping, i'm stressed, you're dreaming )

sometimes kai genuinely doesn't know who it is that's looking back at her in the mirror. she feels like there was a point in her life where the world and the rest of her life was waiting for her, and she wanted to do and be so many things. and now she's this person that almost trudges through life so routinely without any of the same passion she used to have for things. part of her feels bad for the way she's been because she feels like everyone else is just living their life while she's like two steps away from spinning out at any second. she drives herself crazy wishing she could just get it together, to figure out what she wants to do so that she could direct her restless energy to something that actually gives her purpose.

Don't Tell My Mom, Renee Rapp ( at least in her mind, hеr daughter is fine )

to kai, her mom is the best person in the world. even after losing her husband and kai's dad, she was so strong and she did what she could and what she needed to make sure that they could keep going. when everything became a little more stable, kai did her best to be a good kid, taking care of her sister and trying harder in school, but unfortunately, kai received more calls home than she would've wanted. now that kai's older, the last thing she wants to do is be a burden on her mom again. she knows that her mom would take on her struggles, and so kai very pointedly and carefully hides her struggles from her mother.

Rainbow, Kacey Musgraves ( well, the sky has finally opened, the rain and wind stopped blowin' but you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again )

this song illustrates the way kai has sort of felt stuck in the crisis that brought her back to cape may. it's been over a year since her sister has gone into complete remission, but it's almost like kai doesn't know how to pull herself out of that harried mindset she had while her sister was sick. she almost blatantly refuses to look around see that things are better, that she doesn't have to be so concerned anymore. instead, she throws herself into her jobs, all the while everyone close to her is just trying to get her to breathe and see that the skies have cleared up.

The Show, Niall Horan ( if everythin' was simple, how would we know? how to fix your tears, how to fake a show )

kai has reached a point in her life where "life is what it is." that regardless of all the heartbreak and pain and grief, it can be really good. she finds these glimpses of brightness and newness sometimes that show her that life can be the kind of thing that she used to imagine. she can see that in her friends, a lot of them finding their purpose and falling in love and building everything out of nothing. she can see that in her family, her mother who's finally started dating again and her sister who was making up for lost time with her friends. she's slowly, but surely making it out of that storm she's found herself stuck in and hopefully in time, she'll see that there's still a whole life out there for her to have. that things don't always have to stay broken or hard and sometimes, you can have something really good.

Fish and Poi, Sean Na'auao ( flashbacks reminiscing about that one very first luau ) Honololu City Lights, Keola & Kapono Beamer ( you are my island sunset, you are my island dream ) Aloha 'oe, Hapa ( one fond embrace, a hoʻi aʻe au, until we meet again - Aloha 'Oe )

these songs are essentially scattered throughout kai's playlist because they're sort of just integral to who she is. her native hawaiian background is a such a massive part of how she grew up, both on and off the island, and she'd definitely be lying if she said she didn't miss being back there. aloha 'oe is a hawaiian folk song written by queen lilu'uokalani, then the princess of the hawaiian kingdom, about a farewell between two lovers. the song is a hugely famous hawaiian cultural symbol, so it's a song that kai holds very close to her heart.

#this is so extra lmao #but music is such a *chefs kiss* way of developing a character #the amount of wanted connections ideas that popped into my head writing this is wild #kainoa gil ❮ soundtrack ❯#kainoa gil ❮ task ❯

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