random fuckin gender ramble scroll if ur not interested in my gender bs
aaarrrggg i hate that radfem bs has caused me to still associate butch and femme with being lesbian only terms (even though i KNOW they’re not) and thus making me associate both of them with being women, even though i KNOW theyre historically not. its so hard to unlearn???
like, the overlapping lesbian/butch/transmasc history is so hard to navigate as a funky lil enby/genderqueer because a lot of terms are either too masc or too fem for me to be comfortable with, and now that im TRYING to explore exactly how my masculinity and femininity work its so weird!!!
I’m in solidarity with queer men and queer women, both trans and cis or gnc or whatever and figuring out my personal relationships with those communities is hard!!! I relate to my cis female peers as someone who’s only started socially transitioning in recent years, I relate to their issues as someone who doesn’t pass well, I relate to transmascs in terms of wanting to be seen as more masculine, in wanting to physically transition, i relate to trans mlm in terms of sexuality, i relate to lesbians/wlw in terms of sexuality too! some of the best comfort and solidarity ive found is in amab enbies and even some transfems when it comes to comfort and gender expression. the two amab demiguys i know make me feel comfortable exploring masculinity because i feel safe around them BECAUSE they’re not cis, and like, i can be ‘one of the guys’ with them without having to be A GUY, and i relate so so so hard to gnc guys or amab enbies when it comes to presentation. i almost want to transition JUST so i can reembrace femininity in a masculine way.
i dunno, i feel this insane pressure outside of the queer community to either be as masc as possible to pass and be taken seriously, and that’s gotta be at least partially due to the way radfem bs has spread, especially here in the uk.
i wanna be read as masc, i wanna be read as fem, i wanna be incomprehensible! I wanna wear men’s shirts and t shirts and polo shirts with a skirt because i can!! because skirts are fun and cute and i enjoy wearing them. i really do wish i was amab because it would be so much easier to present the way i want to, I think, but then again, i don’t have bottom dysphoria, not really.
all this changes though, really i might just be genderfluid, but i hate the binary connotations of that too. so many enby words are stolen or defined in terms of binary gender: being bigender to most means being male or female, being genderfluid means being fluid between them, being nonbinary is being not male or female, when people equate being nonbinary to being genderless it kills me because I am not binary! but i am not genderless! my gender is here and present and part of me and part of my relation with the world around me and with other people and part of my sexuality and orientation
i dunno, this is turning into a big queer rant. this isn’t me trying to shove labels onto myself, I’m fine with rejecting them if that’s what’s needed - i don’t define my sexuality any further than queer even though hypothetically i could probably id as bi or pan or any mspec label, but I choose not to because being QUEER is my orientation. perhaps my gender as well (i do id as genderqueer as well as enby) but i want to really truly understand my gender AS queer, rather than just brush it off as queer because I cannot define it to myself or understand it. i want to understand my relation to the world around me and to other queer people.
so am I butch? am I femme? maybe it changes? is that allowed to change from day to day? my gender doesn’t FEEL like it changes but that presentation does, maybe! maybe I need to try new pronouns, but using she/her like i want to is hard when i associate it with misgendering and failing to prove myself as trans enough to cis people.
i wanna be masc with women and fem with men, but the latter is hard due to fears that come from experiences with misogyny. a lot of cis men ARE scary to me - I’m an 18 year old afab for fucks sake. i wish i could have that re-embraced femininity, but I’m not flat when i bind or build masc or tall or fuckin. anything! and hormones aren’t an option yet because a lot of my mental health is too unstable, the nhs is in shambles, and I don’t have money. i can’t embrace that yet unless im in the right circles, with the right people, and i can’t be that in society, I don’t trust it. I don’t know if I wanna dress fem and have people see me as masc or fem, i don’t know what pronouns i want them to use, i dunno man!!!
i wanna reach out to older queer people but again its hard, we’re in lockdown, i don’t live somewhere with a big queer community, i’m not a fan of bars and such and there’s not any in my town so i’d have to travel a bit, i wish i could just feel at home!!! i wanna be feminine without being female but also without being male, at least not fully male! I’m not male, i have this connection to femininity and it doesn’t feel male to me, I don’t want to be included in explicitly male or explicitly female spaces, I wanna be with everyone or no one, i dunno
again, i wish butch and femme didnt feel so gendered to me personally, and that’s not just this site but also what ive grown up with, my mum used to always say i was a wannabe ‘butch lezza’ whenever i was trying to get her to take my NONBINARY identity seriously and I’m not that! not because it’s bad to be, but because that’s just not me. I’m not a wlw, I’m not even sure on my attraction to women, or to men, or to anyone, I’m just attracted to queerness, and i dunno it’s hard. being ‘butch’ to me, somewhat, still means wlw, even though it’s not true, and i hate how radfem bs has ruined the word for me. i wish i could understand my identity in terms of being butch or femme, or whatever i am, and i wish those words weren’t tainted for me in the first place. i guess all of us are just ‘failed women’ in the eyes of society, huh.
characters who are feminine, but still explicitly male, or have some relation with masculinity, or are fluid between it, or who return to masculinity as a default give me so much euphoria just to witness. I’m in desperate need of a haircut and i don’t know whether to grow it out properly again or cut it short
either way, I’m gonna dye it purple
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The Lord's with an S/O (who just found out about their powers)
But what did you do for this woman to spare you?
She's like... the biggest man hater anywhere
So... if your a guy, you are lucky boi (or if you identify as a guy)
Or perhaps your a lucky lady?
I feel like she won't discriminate if she feels like your important to her
But for whatever reason she CHOSE YOU
So take that as a win
Sure, she's a vampire and has to eat people
Which was something you didn't know
But she doesn't eat in front of you
Even lying to the point of telling you she's drinking wine
You get curious, of course
So when she leaves to "take care of business", you look onto her glass or cup
You see red
"Ok... but it dont smell like wine..."
You take a sip, only to spit it out right away
Retching with disgust, you tasted blood
Your not an idiot, at least not fully anyways
Alcina rushed back, hearing you gag, thinking one of her daughters were bothering you
Only to see the sight in front of her
You looked at her in fear
Which hurt the tall woman's non beating (?) heart
You backed into a corner, thinking the worst
Looking for a makeshift weapon, you grabbed a spoon
To which made the Lady shake her head
"Love, you know I wouldn't-"
"Your a damned liar!!" You barked weakly, "W-what the fuck are you!?"
She sat calmly in the chair in front of you, gesturing for you to take a seat as well
You hesitated, but did comply, not letting go of your weapon (the spoon)
She huffed sadly, normally this behavior would have sent her into a rageful fit
But this is YOU we're talking about
Her little muse, the only mortal that makes her truly happy
"My Love, please calm down."
When you showed no sign of relaxing, Alcina took her glass in her hand, swirling the blood
Then takes a small sip, and lighting a cigarette
She offers you one
You cringe, and with that she pulls back again
After taking a puff, she begins to explain
Mother Miranda, the other Lord's, the creation of her daughter's, the Village, and everything else, prior to your showing up
After she finishes, you lower your loyal spoon
Drinking in all of the information
You looked up at her
"So that's why your so keen in keeping the girls away from me..."
The large woman nodded, looking at you
You bit your lip, but let go of your spoon, placing it back into the table
Alcina looked at you, watching you relax
You nodded a calm understanding
"Well seeing as I know what's going on now... is Mother Miranda going to-"
The Lady Dimitrescu, shook her head
"She has allowed for me to keep you. As long as you only stay in the castle... seeing as that the village is too dangerous. And I don't want you mixed up with the rif-raf."
You smiled and sat in her lap, (cause you can do that) and planted a kiss on her cold cheek
She let out a pleased humm, and returned the kiss
"Just... next time, if you choose a weapon, Love, make sure it has a SHARP end."
You had known Moreau since before Mother Miranda made an impact on his life
You saw less and less of your significant other
He would disappear and cut your alone time short, whenever the woman called
You were saddened when he finally told you that you couldn't see him anymore
But that's didn't stop him from speaking to you through whatever door, that separated you both
He didn't keep you locked up, but he would lock whatever door was between you
So you couldn't see the monstrous transformation, causing him pain
All you knew is that his voice was becoming more and more disgruntled
As said, you knew Salvatore before this
He was a handsome and intelligent man (despite what's written in Miranda's notes)
And to hear your man become... so in thralled by this other woman, made you suspicious
One day, you both were speaking, with a door between you, as usual
Unbeknownst to Salvatore, you were picking the lock
Eagar to see him
He never noticed the change in your tone, when you got it unlocked, nor the click of the lock
Shoving the door open, and pushing Salvatore back
The male let out a yelp, trying to rush in to the nearby darkness
You stepped through the threshold, eyes blazing and searching
You scanned the room and finally landed on a heap of a shivering... beast?
"Moreau? Is... is that you?" You crept closer, and gently put a hand on his back
"D-dont look at m-me...." he shivered, trying to hide himself
Horrified, you took his face on your hands
"I-is this... the work o-of-"
He cut you off, "Do-dont. Mother loves me... she does... I know she does..."
You felt tears pour down your face
You couldn't bring yourself to speak
That vile woman, had destroyed your dear Moreau
The man you knew and loved was beaten and broken into this sobing heap before you
He looked at you, and reached up to wipe your tears
"Oh... please don't cry... thi-this is her will..."
You shook your head, "what kind of will is this, Salvatore? To turn you-"
He pulled away from you, snarling, "I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!!! Mother loves me, and i-"
You slapped him, your tears stopping, "What kind of man have you become?!"
Disgusted, not with his appearance, but his sniveling attitude
But... not unaffected by what happened to the man you cared about
You left... everything behind, the Village, your family...
Salvatore Moreau never left your thoughts and you never left his
It was a bittersweet life, but you were glad to leave what was happening behind
Angie and Donna Beneviento
These two kept you in their estate
Though Donna hid Angie from you, worried that you wouldn't understand the need for her doll
She also kept the pollen from her plants away from you
You were the first person Donna could talk to, without her illness bothering her
No need for Angie!? And this person don't care!?
Though Angie does get a bit upset that she don't get to see you
That's about to change
You and Donna where sitting in the backroom, overlooking the waterfall
Enjoying an afternoon tea
"Dear? How are you feeling today?"
Donna looked at you, taking your hand in her's giving you a smile
"I am well." She reassured you, giving your hand a squeeze
Then you sneezed, surprised cause your allergies hadn't started up, due to the lack of pollen
And the abundance of snow and cold
Donna gasped, looking over her shoulder
Angie revealed herself, giggling and plopping herself in your lap
You froze, "A-a doll? Donna... is this a gift?"
You never really liked or disliked dolls
Angie gave another giggle, "No, stupid! I'm Angie. Donna's most favorite doll. And a friend."
Your eyes widened at the living doll, "Uh... im-"
"I know who you are!!" She floated infront of you now
"And we like you!"
Donna was quiet, not surprisingly, but you reached out for her
She gently took your hand in her's
"Donna. Tell me whats going on. Please."
Donna nodded, quietly starting to explain.
The gifts from Mother Miranda, the plants, the pollen and finally Angie
You looked at the floating doll, who was nodding her head along, with Donna's words
Then finally, you pulled Donna closer to your side
"You don't ever have to hide things from me. I never had a problem with the other ways that you cope, Donna."
Your encouraging words sent the woman into tears of joy
She buried her face in your chest
You smiled at Angie, who patted you on the forehead
You sat in the smaller, (safer) part of his factory
It was a part he had built to keep you safe
You had asked Karl several times, on different occasions, what was he building
"Its none of your concern." He waved a hand dismissively, "Whats for dinner?"
You always had huffed out whatever meal you made for the pair of you
Karl was always one of three places: meeting his "family", in the factory, or right next to you
The "family" was always thrown into air quotes
You knew he disliked his "family"
He announced his leaving out again, not telling you where
But leaving nonetheless, as usual you waved him off
But today was different, you WERE going to see what the hell was in that factory
Not paying attention to the warnings he gave you, you made your way down
Once at an elevator, you pressed the button
It came up and you were met with a large, large portly man
"Why if it isn't Heisenberg's little kitten."
Shocked you jumped back a bit, but then inched your way inside
"Its alright. I mean you no harm. Come, come."
You stood next to him, "Uh... who are you?"
"You may call me The Duke." He hummed, "But what are you doing here? Don't you know it's dangerous to play here?"
You lifted your chin, "I can handle myself. Thank you."
The Duke gave a small laugh, as you pulled the switch, but didn't speak again
Hitting the bottom floor, you disembarked, waving goodbye
You noticed a door and pushed through
Only to be met with a metal drill nearly splitting your face in two
With a strangled yelp, you lept backwards
"HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE HELL-"
"Who's in my damned- KITTEN!?"
You heard Heisenberg's voice above you and looked around frantic
You didn't get to finish, the same monster came at you again
Dodging to the side, only barely missing getting drilled
Running in to the labyrinth, you were soon cornered
You shook with fear, hearing more monsters come after you
Closing your eyes, waiting for the blows to take you to the Great beyond
Your waiting was cut shirt hearing a series of clang's
You moved your hands and opened your eyes
Seeing Karl, standing in front of you shoving all the monsters back...
But he wasn't touching them....
"Dont just sit on your ass, get up!" He barked, grabbing your arm and pulling you behind him
Once back in the safe zone, you slapped him, breathing heavily
He took it, it was a well deserved slap
He sat heavily down, telling you everything.
The reason for the factory, the monsters in it, his powers, Miranda's plan, even pouring out his emotions about it all
You finally understood and took his hands in yours, kneeling down infront of him
"You idiot. All you had to do was talk to me. Not be a "big tough guy" about it."
You kissed his rough hands
And he chuckled at you
"Always understanding. Thanks Kitten."
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