#and I remember her suffering

[its-nanse]

Zjierbness

#delirium of the endless #dream of the endless #my favourite idiot sibling duo #the sandman #the sandman fanart #delirium sandman #sandman comics #i don't remember how to tag fanart anymore #anyway #nanse's art #my art #I hate drawing on my phone so much but I had to draw it and i'm at work so #i'll just ✨suffer✨ for babygirl delirium i love her so much

[shima-draws]

Ideal ending to WCI is Luffy seeing Sanji cry and then awakening his devil fruit and unlocking Gear Fifth out of sheer RAGE and saying the classic line of “Who made you cry, Sanji?! I’ll DESTROY THEM!!!” and then proceeding to go on a rampage and fucking absolutely EVERYBODY up including the Vinsmokes, Pudding, AND the Big Mom Pirates. Toss in the trope of came back wrong and Sanji can immediately tell something is not right about this Luffy, whose smile is too wide, whose eyes are too distant, who continues to beat upon his enemies long after they’re down, who seems to take a sick sort of pleasure in hurting others, who grins and giggles and tells Sanji he’ll obliterate anything that makes him cry. Eventually he starts to scare Sanji so bad that even Luffy notices his reaction, and immediately turns on himself because if HE’S the one making Sanji cry then he’ll just have to destroy himself too. And that’s when Sanji finally leaps into action and does whatever he can to reach Luffy—including kissing him. Luckily that was exactly what Luffy needed to snap out of it, and when he comes to the Whole Cake Chateau is in broken pieces, the Big Mom Pirates are battered beyond fighting and the Vinsmokes are nowhere to be seen. And softly, tiredly, he asks if they won, if he can bring Sanji home, and Sanji cries again and says yes, take me home to the Sunny, I want to go home with you.

Meanwhile the rest of the Strawhats are like

#One Piece #Luffy #Monkey D Luffy #Sanlu #Lusan #Sanji #Black Leg Sanji #Really what I’m saying is that I want Luffy to go Gear Fifth during WCI. And there’s Sanlu involved. #LMAO #Also I remember reading a Gear 5 Luffy fic where he ties people together in knots. Like that’s FUCKED up #And he would ABSOLUTELY do that in this situation. For funsies. To be silly 🤪 #Sanji watches in horror as Luffy uses somebody as a jumprope. To Luffy this is a Normal thing to do #Sanji torn between ‘Holy shit I’m so in love with him rn’ and ‘What the actual FUCK is that thing wearing Luffy’s face’ #We’ll get eldritch god vibes up in here. #Luffy uses Conqueror’s Haki so powerful it even brings Big Mom down to her knees #Pudding starts crying out of fear and Luffy’s like :)))) Good. Suffer #He can be scary AND silly. As a treat #They had back to the Sunny eventually and Sanji’s like. Well. That happened #*head #(He also has to mentally process the fact that the regular Luffy—HIS Luffy—only came back to him after he kissed him) #(But again he doesn’t have time to unpack all that right now) #Shima speaks #Sorry it’s self indulgent hours over here. I’m getting sick again and I need some way to cope. Lol #(And I mean actually sick I’ve had the worst sore throat known to man since yesterday)

[s-aint-elmo]

the "girls seeking an impossible wish trapped in a system that twists them into hollow shells of grief and resentment used by other girls to fuel their own desperate struggle" pipeline is multiversal

(ID and additional context in alt text)

#revue starlight #daiba nana #nana daiba #puella magi madoka magica #akemi homura #homura akemi #doodles #mine #alternate title: give a lesbian a timeloop and she'll achieve unprecedented levels of negative character development #for context the text on nana is the witch walpurgisnacht's desc and the text on homura is from the final scene of revstar's starlight #spec dialogue spoken by claire to her gaystie flora after flora falls from the tower and claire is trapped inside. in case u are not #in the intersection of the venn diagram #we r webweaving #YOU MUST UNDERSTAND. when i realized this i went a little insane #like banana IS walpurgisnachtcore and homura IS floracore #banana wants to create a stage where there is no pain or suffering at the cost of stagnancy. homura makes a promise that madoka #cannot remember. homura falls from the tower time and again while madoka ends her struggle by remaining at the summit and ensuring #that homura never gets her wish (to protect her. to save her) #like i'm ill about it. somebody put homura in the audience for starlight and watch her crumple like a submersible #shoujo kageki revue starlight

[tequiilasunriise]

Possible nicknames Lenore called Annabel in life go:

"Anniebell": Sometimes the smallest changes are the cutest, okay? Anniebell Lee sounds adorable as hell and I'll stick by it. Imagine Annabel trying to admonish Lenore for saying some wild shit at a Rich Persons Gala™️ or smth but she keeps breaking out into giggles like, "You- you can't just say that pet!" and Lenore playfully replying, "Oh whatever do you mean, Anniebell Lee?" like UGH I hate them somebody throw hammers at em already 💥💥🔨🔨🔨

“My moon”: in relation to the Annabel Lee poem (‘for the moon never beams/Without bringing me dreams/Of the wonderful Annabel Lee’) and also there’s smth so flavorful of the character with a color palette more akin to the Sun (long shiny blonde hair, warm colored eyes, seemingly more outwardly personality, etc) being called the moon like I loveee contrasting design choices‼️‼️

“Angel”: Also a reference to the poem (but like, worse because it was the angels that separated em) and can be easily pulled from Annabel’s name

“Petal”: Or some other variation of a flower based nickname because imma sad, sad bisexual who loves ✨flower motifs✨ just a bit too much

Anything in Dutch: This can be like common ones like “liefje” (darling) or the previous entries but in Dutch idk go crazy go stupid

“Locket”: An unconventional pick pulled from Annabel’s last name Whitlock + lockets containing pieces of hair from your other half being T H E romantic gesture of the century back then, so, like. Idk. Hear me out like okay I think Lenore could be the unconventional route (I mean girly already faked her death via arson and pulled a Mulan to get the girl soooo you see what I’m putting down?) and like like LIKKEEE⁉️⁉️⁉️ Imagine with me Lenore telling her girl, “You’re the locket I keep nearest to my heart” (many necklaces back then had a chain just long enough for the locket to rest above the wearer’s heart) and it evolves to Lenore calling Annabel smth like “my dearest, my locket” LIKE YOU HAVE TO IMAGINE WITH ME!!! GUYS MY VISION IS VISIONING!!! 🦅🗣️🌈🗣️🗣️🦅🦅🌈🗣️🦅🦅

@incorrect-nevermore cmere and witness my madness

#some of the emojis only show up in mobile format sigh this is my cross to bear #yes its a running joke of mine to measure things on a scale of 'in relation to how much so and so suffered compared to jesus h christ-' #for example penny poldenina died painfully TWICE like girly defo suffered more than mister holy spirit but thats neither here nor there #jesus still suffered more than me but like. damn bro. my aesthetic #my old wenclair followers if ur still around do NOT come fer me and the 'my moon' suggestion okay I knowwww #i remember my oldass yet decently popular 'my moon' wenclair posts from last year do not recite the ancient magic to me #anything in dutch one tho like cmon Lenore woulldd she would call her sweetie anniebell shit like 'my heart' and shit in Dutch ugh dorknore #tho obviously the locket one is my fave like u have to rlly and truly ENVISION THE VIBES u know? #unconventional pet names fer unconventional couples guys cmon hear me outttt #ugh man these two gayasses are so awful i hope they DOUBLE PERISH bc yeah they already died once whoooppssiesss #nevermore webtoon #white raven #lenore nevermore #lenore vandernacht #annabel lee nevermore #annabel lee whitlock

[inkskinned]

it's the levels of scrutiny too.

a movie that has a largely-female cast has to be well-written, well-shot, well-acted, well-advertised. people will spend 2 hours on youtube talking about a single plot hole; about a moment of bad pacing, about a singular background character's poor scripting. if there isn't something obvious, they will say - well there's nothing specifically bad, but it wasn't specifically good either.

they will turn out another all-male movie, and it's just a movie.

a book that has queer representation in it has to defy every convention of writing while also being true to traditional plot, structure, format, and pacing. it must have no boring chapters, no missteps, no awkward dialogue. it must be able to "prove" that any queer relationship "makes sense", their sparks must fly off the page and their love must be eternal. the writing must be clear and beautiful, the storyline original and fresh, the values traditional but with an undercurrent that is modern and saucy.

they will turn out another book without queer rep, where a man and woman just-fall-in-love, and it's just a book.

i am latinx. i am queer. i am nb & neurodivergent. my father said to me once: you will need to be exceptional to be just-as-good, and you will need to be beyond exceptional before they see you as just-a-person, and not your labels.

i am not beyond exceptional. i am a human person. i am skilled because i worked my ass off to be skilled.

i am currently reading a book that's so-bad-it's-good about a girl that falls in love with a vampire. i was 64% of the way through the book before she figures out tall-dark-fanged is not natural. i like books like these, i like letting myself relax while i just enjoy the read. but i do spend a lot of time wondering - would this have been published if it was about queer people? would this have gotten past the editors if the characters weren't white and sexy?

i want to write a movie about being a woman in a male space, and i want to start that movie with a 10 minute scene where the woman is lectured with the exact same whining that occurs in the youtube comments of even the trailers for those movies: "haven't we had enough diversity?" "we've had enough girl power movies" "sorry, this is just pandering. it's boring."

here's what's fucked up: it shouldn't matter, you're right. my identity shouldn't fold after my name like a battalion of stars: a cry of what i've gone through. what we all know i had to move past and through. i should just be a writer, plain and simple, without my work being shifted through with tweezers - i know everything i make, always, i am incredibly responsible for. beholden to. i don't like knowing that if i fuck up, i am also fucking up for every person like me. every person in a community i belong to.

once, back in undergrad, i wrote a short story about a girl who had been kicked by a horse. it was my first time writing about my experience with my ocd; i felt proud of it. the story was mostly about grief and slow recovery. the queerness of the main character was not important to the plot, my main character was just-queer. there wasn't even a romantic interest in it.

i remember one of my classmates being disappointed. "i just feel like you always write about girls who like girls, and i'm bored of it," he said. "you're a beautiful writer, but i'm like - oh, at some point, it's gonna be gay again." during the workshop, he folded his hands over my story and said, "and okay, i'm just going to say it. she's ocd, she's gay, she's depressed - it's a little much for me to believe is all happening to one person."

it is a little much to be that person (and more besides). i have therapy weekly, after all.

over and over, belonging to exception.

#spilled ink #poetry #prose #warm up #idk what this is #maybe more of a confession #btw the book is called crave it's OKAY #it's very straight #main character keeps being like totally okay with situations where dude is DEF #being a stalker villian #she's known him for a WEEK and shes like #'hes all that matters' #girlfriend ur parents only died a MONTH ago #there's a lot about timing in that book im like .... did this author ever have any #actually bad experiences #like main character being like ''i shouldn't cry over them it's pathetic'' a mONTH after her parents die #btw this isn't bc she's in denial/suffering/etc it's bad writing #the narrative is instead like #'' .... bc the author doesn't want to remember to discuss it'' #she forgets she has a sprained ankle a lot #tbh im THIS close to saying ''fuck good writing'' #and writing my OWN stupid supernatural school YA romance #and YES!!!!! IT WOULD INDEED BE GAY #''oh this school? we're all... different here....bc... of the witches??oh . i mean yeah but no actually we just really believe in a diverse

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it #i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition #but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body #not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways #but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth #valuing and exploring and treasuring #i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible #but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body? #it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head #and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude #this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example #like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than #violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body #to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities #like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia #so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you #even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by #what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems #Casey Plett #she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her #this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger #i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial #she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies #that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era #it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it #i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience #said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip #personal nonsense

[eskildit]

the way im gonna be so fucking devastated if we never see we suffer again. the way ill fucking sob if she died on new rho. guys i dont think you understand how much i love commander we suffer and we suffer.

#prayer circle for we suffer coming back in atn and alecto remembering her. she gave her a sweet the once...... #the locked tomb #eskildit posts tlt #nona the ninth #ntn spoilers #commander we suffer #we suffer and we suffer #I LOVE HER OKAY

[trensu]

Have an itty bitty tiny piece of stasis in darkness, just so you all have an idea of where the story is going after the godly reveal. and also have proof that i am, in fact, still toiling away at this (as well as hawkins halfway house.)

A week and a half later, Steve entered a town he’d never seen before. He wore simple traveling clothes and carried no weapons aside from a couple of carefully hidden knives. He’d left his armor and shield behind. His satchel held only the essentials one needed for travel and a single stone as large as his fist. The stone was wrapped in layers of cloth to keep it safe during the journey. 

I need you to find someone. 

He felt very bare but he hadn’t been given much of a choice. Speed was of the essence for his quest, and little no-name towns tended to be wary of strangers in plain clothes, even more so around strangers decked out for battle. Steve wasn’t sure this place could be called a town. It was so small it hadn’t been on any official map. It didn’t even have an inn. Hopefully, Steve wouldn’t be needing an inn once he found who he was looking for.

He’s too far from me to reach.

He asked around, laying on the charm generously. He explained he had been a friend of a friend and had been trusted to deliver something. Eventually, he was told where to go. The house he found far beyond the village’s boundary was small. It looked like it had once been well cared for but it was old and had fallen to disrepair. Steve took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

A sallow old man opened the door. He was bald but had some scruff on his face still. His shoulders, stooped from age, trembled. His eyes were bloodshot. He looked so tired.

He’s my very last worshiper in all the world.

“Wayne Munson?” Steve asked.

“Who wants to know?” The man’s voice was phlegmy and rough. He coughed into the crook of his elbow almost before he could finish speaking. 

“I’m Steve. Ser Steve Harrington, pledged to the Lord of Night.”

Wayne’s eyes widened. His grip on the open door weakened and slipped. Steve caught the door before it could hit Wayne.

“He sent me to you,” Steve explained. “May I come in?”

yep, that's it for now. i told you it was small. i'm not even gonna bother with a read-more here.

#trensu tells stories #stasis in darkness #i technically have another 4.5k words written already #but it is very much still a rough draft #it's all clunky chunks of stone with all that i want to happen but has not been carved and smoothed out properly yet #also i have decided to include at least a couple of prayers #because i hate myself apparently and want to make myself suffer #a poet i am not #and i haven't stepped in a church or said prayers in literal decades #well #that's a lie #i did attend ONE mass in that time only because my mom asked me so she wouldn't have to go alone #the priest went off on the queers during his sermon and my mom never asked me to go with her again lol #so i remember none of the prayers #and even if i did #i learned all my prayers in spanish #i have no idea how they go in english #ughhhhhh why do i do these things to myself

[altocat]

More cringe memes. Lucrecia Edition.

#ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy 7 #dirge of cerberus #lucrecia crescent #Hojo #sephcanons #And don't @ me for this #I recognize that Lucrecia was very much in the wrong for her involvement in the Jenova Project #She is just as guilty as everyone else #HOWEVER there's lots of room to suggest she had no idea what she was really getting herself into #And unlike Hojo she isn't doing this to be a sadist nor was her intention to have her own child taken from her #Lucrecia needs a rewrite but what's there has some serious layers #Also I feel like there's an ugly underbelly of misogyny within the fandom when it comes to its hatred for Lucrecia #Lucrecia is allowed to have done horrible things without being the villain #Good people can do horrible HORRIBLE things #Lucrecia isn't evil she's a stubborn dumbass who kept trying to fix her mistakes and dug herself deeper as a result #But she never wanted Vincent or Sephiroth to suffer #She wanted Vincent alive #And she wanted to hold her son #There's nothing saying that Hojo wasn't manipulating her the entire time #Remember in the OG it's implied he was drugging her into compliance #Part 3 may very well clear some things up

[bumblingbabooshka]

Headcanon that Seven of Nine and Naomi actually find Neelix’s cooking to be fine because it’s the only food they’ve ever eaten/their first introduction to food and when they get to Earth everyone’s so excited to show them Alpha quadrant foods but neither of them likes anything they’re offered very much. Seven doesn’t really care either way except that she has to get used to a whole new palette and Naomi likes the obvious (Ex: candy, cake) but frequently complains that nothing tastes ‘right’. Naomi: -pushing away a slice of pizza- I don’t like it... Tom: You’re kidding me. You don’t like pizza? Naomi: It doesn’t taste right! Make it how Neelix used to. Tom: You want me to put gerhalorian beets and yuk mushrooms in the sauce so it congeals into a lumpy, slightly sour mess? Is that what you want, Naomi? Naomi: Yeah :(  I want Naomi and Icheb to work tirelessly together on a side project for years until finally doing it - being able to communicate clearly with those in the Delta quadrant! Icheb uses it to speak to the other borg children (now adults) and Naomi immediately uses it to call Neelix and ask him to find the nearest time portal and toss a big box of leola root into it. She’s been craving it for years! No one told her the Alpha quadrant didn’t have leola root, she wouldn’t have gone otherwise!

#Naomi's suffering through the worst case of 'food you had ALL the time as a kid but can't get as an adult' #Her next goal is constructing some way for ships to pass through the quadrants quickly and safely so Neelix can come visit her and also #Voyager's crew can stop getting themselves hopelessly lost and presumed dead out there #Naomi's favorite joke is that if she knew the alpha quadrant had/didn't have X she wouldn't have come! Her mom doesn't love it v_v #st voyager #Naomi Wildman #Seven of Nine #Neelix #I also think every member of the crew has a certain food they really loved but can never eat again v_v either bc alpha quad doesn't have the #ingredients or the replication abilities or bc it was something that was given as a gift by a delta quad alien or Neelix was only able to #make it once etc #I believe Neelix's cooking is a mixed bag. Some of his dishes are earnestly not good and some of them are for a palette that #the crew doesn't have...but after seven years you develop a palette. Like they still PREFER alpha quadrant food but every so often they're #like DAMN...do you remember when Neelix made-? and it's always a happy conversation #OH and also he has limited ingredients bc of Voyager's situation and doesn't know what the human foods they ask for are or what they should #taste like so it's trial and error babey!!!

[doriandrifting]

Murray death scene be like 😭

#the only thing I remember from this movie is this scene and the sister trying to get with her brothers gay best friend 😭 #this is a joke though if Murray dies I will fist fight the suffer brothers #byler #stranger things #mike wheeler #i know what you are #and so does Murray buttman #will byers

[cometrose]

one of my favorite things about zhongli is that he doesn’t shut up like i know we like to compare him to neuvillette and alhaitham but zhongli is like inverse of their signature traits. social awkwardness? quiet and reserved? zhongli does not care he will talk like he understands liyue’s social customs very well he just does what he wants. like yeah he’s calm and reserved but he’s not quiet and he enjoys socializing with humans like it’s one of his favorite things to do. the people of liyue describe as someone who is a little odd but very helpful and knowledgeable so he understands people and he seems pretty good at reading their intentions and behaviors so yeah he’s weird but he’s very popular cause he’s always doing shit

tldr zhongli is a yapper he will talk about anything and everything if you give him a chance he does not care if it’s weird or socially unconventional

#my post #zhongli #genshin impact #he’s a little empty headed idk #like he just likes people and talking to be people #like there’s probably some level of social awkwardness but it’s not #like i know every region got their ‘zhongli’ but listen the dude never shut ups #like i remember during lantern rite their is some chinese customs about who sits at the table or who performs certain tasks #even though zhongli says he’s not as important as hutao or xiao he still acts like the leader of the discussion and the table #like he probably knows the rules he just messes up or doesn’t care #remember when he was so interested in listening to xinyan’s music he invited her to perform at a funeral parlor #bro does not care he wants to indulge himself in his nation #suffers from never shutting the fuck up disease #he just doesn’t talk about himself #i mean all of them are pretty talkative in their own way #althaitham is wordy as hell but only when he wants to be #like i did his story quest recently #ooh blah blah blah academic dishonesty no integrity just a lot

[ride-a-dromedary]

Halsin's character in Act 3 post breaking of the Shadowcurse is actually, either intentionally or not, another more quiet and subtle angle of trauma exploration; specifically, the alteration of identity development and its previously existing commitments post traumatic events.

#in this essay i will #BG3 Musing #Halsin #Halsin Posting #it's how you can tell shadowheart and halsin were written by the same person - both of them suffer #either in a literal or figurative case #from an inability to access one's past self due to trauma #a floating vessel of identification if you will #it's not that they do not want to be their past selves - it's that they don't really know who their past selves *are* anymore #(literally in shadowheart's case) #and they are reaching out frantically in familiar directions trying to get it back #when they are dunked into the cold water of reality that has been stolen from them in one way or another #halsin's description of himself outside of his one track mind is bracketed by hesitation #he says that he becomes consumed with the completion of the task at hand #shadowheart cannot remember frivolous pieces that crafted her identity - she is *literally* being consumed by an outside influence #they cling to aspects of their personality that they have retained which amps them up to 11 #it's weird though how aspects and aftereffects of trauma are only recognized if they are immediately recognizable outburst #anyway happy birthday to me i am going to think about the elf man some more

[eepyracc]

Lnds fandom.. how are we feeling 🧍‍♀️

Because I for one, am absolutely losing it

#the lore drop was insane #where do i even begin #I NEED to know more about Zayne's research WHAT DID HE DISCOVER THAT MADE HIM STOP AND DESTROY EVERYTHING #THE JEREMIAH BACKSTORY??? #Xavier sleeps inside the spaceship to feel a bit at home.. #Ever group crumbs bwjdhwu #MC BEING EXPERIMENTED ON AS A KID CONFIRMED #altho she doesnt remember she suffered SO MUCH imagine toying with life like that #killing her over and over again without never truly being sure if she'd actually come back #so the aether protocore was DISCOVERED inside of her? not implemented in her heart #i need to understand how rafayels heart the aether core the core of philos and the creatio core are related #rafayel being offended that hes only ranked 6th made me giggle ngl #anyway brb imma cry some more #the fact that Philosians (??) need to take some potion? med? to stay alove cuz their bodies are wearing out im not okay #xavy baby dont die on me #and the fact that Ever group is spying on him though his comrades #and the fact that mc is on Ever's list or whatever #just wtf #lnds #xavier love and deepspace #zayne love and deepspace #rafayel love and deepspace

[carefulfears]

thinking about scully sitting on the floor of mulder’s apartment just holding him as he wept after his mother’s death and after she told him through tears that it’s time to stop. it’s time to stop looking for his sister.

and how she had already told him that once, seven years earlier, a month into their partnership, when she chased him out of a police station and told him to stop running after his sister because it won’t bring her back.

she called after him to just stop, because she’s the scientist, and that’s the logical conclusion that she had reached.

except later that night, he told her why he does it. that he’s been closing his eyes and walking into that room, thinking maybe, when he opens them, his sister will be there, since he was 12 years old. “every day” of his life.

and she never told him to stop again.

until seven years later, when she rocked him on the floor, and then the next day was asked “why do you want to bring all this back up now?” and answered, “someone owes it to mulder.”

so she started looking. she reopened files, she tracked down records, she went to his mother’s house to dig through the trash. she confronted CSM about what he knew, she flew to california, she held hands and prayed.

she looked at mulder and said “it hurts me to tell you this” and stayed steady in the truth anyway. she listened to him read to her about a 14-year-old girl’s pain, held his hand and told him to get some sleep. she stayed up, kept looking, and found it. “i got it, mulder. i couldn’t believe it when i saw it. it was like it was looking for me.”

the police report from when samantha ran away.

she read the hospital records, went to the home of the nurse who signed the intake report, asked him if he wanted her to go herself.

she left him by the car and walked up and knocked, asked about a patient in 1979. she listened as the nurse described how “you couldn’t forget her or how frightened she was. scared for her sweet life.” and the man who came for her, who wouldn’t put out his cigarette.

earlier the day before, she had been told to just stop. “word of advice, me to you: let it be. you know, there’s some wounds that are just too painful ever to be reopened.”

and she had responded, “this particular wound has never healed. and mulder deserves closure.”

after seven years, she knows now, that you can’t just stop chasing. she knows how heavy grief is, and she‘s seen the effects of carrying it alone. of walking into the worst night of your life every day, eyes closed, hopeful.

you can’t just stop, and you can’t really have closure, but you can help someone carry it.

and ultimately, that’s what made this the end of the road. sometimes the heaviest burden of grief is feeling that pain is all there is left of someone, and that alleviating it would be to abandon them.

scully’s right, this wound has never closed, but there’s freedom in shared remembrance and shared dedication. she doesn’t ask him to stop until he’s ready to know the truth, and she’s willing to find it. she doesn’t ask him to rest until it’s safe for him to, because it’s not forgetting samantha. she knows and she remembers.

#i’m having a tough week thank you all for your consideration #i forgot that that police report file just found her. god #these girls love mulder so much #they’re always working in tandem #it means so much esp with the death of his mother that someone else in the world just remembers #it’s mulder in the pilot saying ‘no one ever talked about it’ and how everyone just pretended she never existed #it’s the childhood photos that scully sees burnt in the trash #everyone tried to just erase her from existence so much that mulder had to dedicate his entire life to remembering her #but it’s lighter now #someone else knows #someone else knows that they spent their summers playing baseball and that they argued over the tv and that he’s looked for her #in every room that he has ever been in #someone else knows what happened to her and the horror that she suffered and how she wrote that they didn’t even treat her like a person #how she wrote that she just wishes she could see her brother’s face #sometimes that matters more than any reveal or any truth or any conspiracy #she’s going to be remembered and she’s going to be thought of and loved #even if he goes home and gets some sleep #even if he stops looking #txf.txt #closure #sein und zeit

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you