#and i think this can easily be applied beyond queer experiences

[tuningknight]

about my gender and sexuality recently

i have a weird gender and sexuality situation going on where being a "trans male" and being a "lesbian" are both important to me. it's because of my own unique (and very nonbinary/fluid) worldview of gender & sexuality, that disregards all rules of the gender binary and the meanings of labels.

because i want to explain my view and my story to people -- for some reason even though my gender is supposed to be just "nonbinary" in practice, i cannot let go of the "trans male" label and community i've been a part of for several long years, especially going on T and being treated as a trans man for the majority of my life. i'm more androgynous now, i'm far from masculine in my gender expression, but i simply cannot erase how i was treated as a "man" and how much that affects me, how much i view "man" as a fundamental part of me, my experiences, and my past. to give up that label just because of my newfound sexuality just feels wrong and a betrayal of myself.

recently, since my dysphoria has lessened and how HRT changes things about my perception of sexuality & gender, i'm pretty sure i'm moreso a lesbian than anything else. i resonate highly with the sort of discussion of how "lesbian" can be a nonconforming gender experience, aside from just a sexuality. the gender experiences of people within the lesbian community past and present paired with the sexuality aspect are things i closely see myself in now. the androgyny i present myself with. and the way my attraction has highly shifted over to feminine in a distinctly queer way. "lesbian" is the closest, most easily communicable, colloquial term that captures not only my attraction but also my new gender experience. i like the way transmasc and nonbinary lesbians expand the label's meaning beyond just "women loving women." so why can't it apply for me, too? it's that flimsy label and line within myself that divides "masc" and "man" and yet i'm not even a "man" in the way people think it means. it's just a word that has importance for my soul.

and i don't think this is a situation where it's like, "(cishet) men are invading lesbian spaces," i feel it's disingenuous to frame my queer self-discovery and journey as something like that.

it's a bit strange, most trans men start off as lesbians and become trans men, but i started as a trans man and became a lesbian, but in a way that i can't remove "trans man" from my identity. it's something i struggled for a while with, that it's impossible or unacceptable to hold both labels, or that trans men can in any way understand lesbians, but… i'm not like other trans men anymore either, right? but still, i am a trans man through and through. it's logical to say i'm not like other lesbians, either. my worldview of gender is fundamentally different from everyone else in the world, anyways.

what is a "man" or "woman" to me is vastly different from an understanding that would usually be based in the gender binary... when i create worlds in stories i write, gender isn't a thing that has high importance. i fundamentally view "women" or "men" as just… a neutral form, a shape, that has no real meaning beyond the appearance. someone isn't gonna get singled out, put down, praised, or anything like that just for being a certain gender. moreover, words like "trans" or "gay" or "lesbian" or "bisexual" don't even exist because of the society that world has that has no need for those words to define oneself against a "cishet" norm. there is no cishet norm. there are no such labels. this is my "ideal" worldview of gender that makes the most sense. (there are ways trans people are handled in-universe, but that's for another time.)

so when translating real world labels like "lesbian" into that world, it manifests a bit differently. for instance, i have a masculine-appearing character with a feminine name, a higher-range voice, and has rose motifs. this masculine character is meant to be analogous to a princely butch lesbian, even though no such word exists. this character flirts often with feminine-appearing characters. presumably, these would be "women," but some "men" would be feminine-appearing as well. although he is a "lesbian," he is attracted to some kinds of men, but they're very unconventional kinds of men. kind of... much like myself. (i do strongly express attraction to men from time to time, but literally only feminine/androgynous types... in this sort of unique worldview of gender, in context with everything else about myself, i classify that as lesbian or lesbian-adjacent.)

so wouldn't it make more sense for me to have "no labels" then? but that's a bit difficult, because i don't live in that world i created, i live in this world with all of you who create these labels and definitions and place importance upon them. importance i resonate with. importance in the way i can't give up being a "trans male" even though my experience isn't close to most trans men in general. importance in the way i just want to be accepted as a "lesbian" because that community, especially in its transmasc and nonbinary members, is the closest thing to my experiences, and yet i feel gatekept out of it; shunned out of it. even though i'm nowhere near the kind of person you should be shunning out of the community.

i've resonated strongly with "transhet" before. i still do. it's a wonderful label and experience to describe myself. but i do feel like there's such a strong overlap with being "lesbian" that i feel i should be part of that label and community as well. i can't ignore a community and its experiences, that has such a strong similarity to myself and my experiences, only to be gatekept by one measly word. to be told i can't possibly understand what it's like to be a lesbian.

i think of myself as treading that line between being a transmasc lesbian and a transhet male. flipping back and forth, but also strongly resonant with both sides -- but defining it for myself.

i can only hope the friends that distanced themselves from me for this don't hate me anymore. that they don't think i'm an uncomfortable or unsafe person. i can only hope they will come to understand the journey i've gone through.

#lgbtuning #personal

[yugotrash]

can you elaborate why you think the "tehm" label makes no sense?

i'm a younger gen z gay who wants to make a tehm blog because i've spent the past few months lurking in gender critical spaces & have first-hand experience with the ugly sides of gender ideology. and i also empathize with the radfems.

definitely agree that all the prominent tehms on this side are disgusting, because:

1.) they're all millennials.

2.) they're all white anglo westerners.

3.) they're all porn/masturbation/grindr addicts.

4.) i get slight femphobic vibes from them. idk if it's intuition or something, but something tells me they are those toxic masc4mascs who like to shit on random gnc gays and rub their preferences in our faces. just a gut feeling.

5.) they are misogynistic as fuck.

6.) they are very selfish, insufferable and don't care about anybody but themselves. zero integrity, morals or beliefs. pathetic.

which is precisely why i want to make a blog and use the tehm label. to redefine what it means to be a tehm. they are the old generation, i am the new generation. i want to prove that we aren't all like them.

ok good morning let's do this.

first of all, "tehm", originally conceived by the gendies, makes even less sense than "terf". we're not excluding anyone, homosexuality isn't a political position.

i don't think this is a generational thing that makes the tehmmies unsavoury (to say the least), i was born in 1998 and i truly don't think the generations nursed on internet access are gonna save this for us. in general i think it's very misguided to ascribe politics to generational groups but w/e

they are not. i could easily name 4-5 members/orbiters of the tehm crowd that don't fit this description

this is true. focus on this.

i think i understand where you're coming from, but don't focus on this too much. i truly don't know or care to position myself within a masc-fem spectrum bc i don't think i (or a majority of gays) fit neatly there. plus, feminine men, while they don't deserve all the horrible shit they get, are not inherently more progressive. so many of them fall for the gender-id trap and become militant queer activists, past a point where you can attribute all responsibility to mascs who pushed them to it.

yes. focus on this

i think you'll find this is true of men in general, and has a particular intense variant in gay men.

assuming i'm at least a little bit older than you, with at least a year or two more experience in offline and online GC/LGB circles, i'd really caution you against doing something like "reclaiming the tehm label". these internet micro-identities do not serve you, they fundamentally don't matter to anyone beyond a few dozen chronically online freaks, you don't need this in your life. you don't need a blog for this cause. focus on proving you're not like them by the way you treat the women in your life and how you conduct your personal relationships with both other homosexuals and the world at large. i know it's easier and more fun to dick around on tumblr but then at least be aware of how insignificant that is if you're going down that route. if my blog got termed tomorrow the net impact on society would be zero, and this will apply to yours as well. hope some of that helps.

#asks #anonymous

[halliescomut]

So....I don't generally like to call ppl out on the Internet, but I can't be silent about this, because it's a little creepy and weird (honestly more like a lot creepy). Got served a TikTok today about Jeff and Barcode...

I did mark out the name of the creator, because I'm not trying to send hate their way, but I am very much disgusted by the implications of the text that they put in the TikTok.

Now if you're confused about why this is upsetting, in general with BL characters, the couple names follow a common order--that order being TopBottom. In the case of acting pairs, often fans will take that order and apply it to the actors pairing name, so PayuRain is BossNoeul, WinTeam is BounPrem, etc. The text insinuates that Barcode is becoming the top because he is now taller than Jeff, and may be more muscular. It's feeding into a trope that any gay man who is shorter, slighter of build, must be a bottom. It's giving very much "real men don't get fucked, they do the fucking". Now I would think that it's fairly obvious that this is a damaging and quite misogynistic viewpoint, but I will break it down a little further for you why.

The trope in BL stories of having the bottom be physically smaller, have more delicate features, perhaps behave more 'femininely' is damaging for two specific reasons. It reinforces the misogynistic idea that feminine traits are inherently lesser than masculine ones, and it perpetuates a potentially harmful stereotype, creating the idea that a man must behave a certain way based on what their preference is in bed. Now you may say "well this is just tropes in a show" but there are real world consequences to these ideas. If you interact AT ALL regularly with queer men, you will likely have encountered a man who was bullied and even assaulted because someone perceived them as being 'too feminine'. We know of actual cases of more 'effeminate' men being discriminated against, or being told to tone things down, recently PP Kritt in his performance at the SongShan music festival. There's been an ongoing discussion in China regarding how to make sure men 'stay masculine' even.

And the rigidness around positions portrayed in much of BL, kind of across the board, not even just in East Asian or South East Asian BL, is incredibly inaccurate to actual reality. The reality is that the VAST majority of gay men will engage on both sides of the sexual dynamic. Verses are the norm, no matter what BL would lead you to believe. That's not to say there aren't people and couples with preferences they tend to stick to, there certainly are, but that's not going to be the most common experience.

Now let's step back into the issue I have with this video. It's not okay to speculate publicly on the sexual practices of strangers on the internet. We have NO confirmation of any type of romantic relationship between these men, so speculating on their sexual dynamic is already taking a leap. But even if we DID have confirmation. Even if we were talking about a pair that we know 100% are together like Porsche and Arm, making comments about their sex life openly on Beyonce's internet...not okay. Don't do that. It's wildly inappropriate, and honestly pretty creepy. If you simply MUST speculate, do so in private spaces, like a discord or group chat.

I do also want to point out that beyond the problematic behavior of speculating publicly about a stranger's sexuality, it's simply not your business, in regards to EA and SEA actors it can be dangerous. While most of those countries do not consider homosexuality to be illegal, there are still very few that have legal protections set in place for queer people. Meaning if these men were to lose sponsorships, brand deals, potential roles, because of their 'perceived sexuality' based off of internet rumors--then they may not have any legal recourse against any of those companies. And MANY posts that assert things like this do tag the ship names, meaning it's fairly easily locatable with keyword searches.

So just....think twice before you post speculations about any celebrity's sexuality. And don't publicly discuss the dynamics of an actual real person's sexual preferences. Because it's gross.

#Creepy fandom behavior #Thai BL #Japanese BL #Taiwanese BL #Korean BL #Vietnamese BL #Filipino BL #American BL #British BL

[vital-information]

Metronormativity’s six analytic axes:

Narratological: metronormativity often appears as a travel narrative that demands a predetermined flight to the city; a mythological plot that imagines urbanized queer identity as a one-way trip to sexual freedom, to communal visibility, and to a gay village (or at least a studio apartment) whose streets are paved with rainbow pride. This narrative usually takes the form of a bildungsroman to imagine queers as young adults or adults-in-the-making, this depriving queer children growing up in an identifiable city of a recognizable identity. It also presents non-urbanized areas as hinterlands best viewed from the window seat of your plane. This is not to imply, however, that migrations great or small, individual or collective, enforced or self-initiated, have not been essential to queers of various races and ethnicities across sexual history, or that any queer migration is inherently circumspect, or that flights aren’t often dictated by socioeconomic demands.

Racial: On the one hand...the racial logistics of metronormativity frequently traffic in what José Esteban Muñoz terms a “normative ideal” of whiteness...On the other hand, [there is] the unfounded assumption that urbanized areas are more racially diverse and racially inclusive than ruralized ones.

Socioeconomic: Not simply the gas tank for that flight or the down payment for the brownstone thereafter. Rather, a cross-gender, cross-racial per diem...that enables prosperous queers to announce, to feel, to mold, and to capitalize on their leisure oriented urbanism as bourgeois privilege and as niche market.their padded wallets fashion what anthropologist Eric Michaels...deemed “a Dewar’s Profile image of the gay capitalist” that stifles “critical, political sensibility.”

Temporal: ...The hierarchized assumption that a metropolitan-identified queer will always be more dynamic, more cutting-edge, more progressive, and more forward-looking than a rural-identified queer, who will always be more static, more backward, and more culturally backwater.

Epistemological: ...The hierachized assumption that the closer proximity you have to a skyscraper, the more in-the-know, in-the-loop, and up-to-the-minute you must be...

Aesthetic: ...functions primarily as a psychic, material, and affective mesh of stylistics informed by a knowingness that polices and validates what counts for any queer production; a sophistication that demarcates worldliness, refinement, and whatever may count as “the latest;” a fashionability that establishes what counts as the most up-to-date forms of apparel, accessory, and design; and a cosmopolitanism that discriminates anybody or any cultural object that does not take urbanity as it’s point of origin, it’s point of departure, or it’s point of arrival.

Taken from the Introduction to Another Country: Queer Anti-Urbanism by Scott Herring

#this is what it’s all about people #and i think this can easily be applied beyond queer experiences #but seems especially relevant to queers who struggle so intensely with identity #cottagecore #cabincore #cowboycore #queer history #lgbtq #pride #capitalism #gay country #country queers #scott herring #theory #homonormativity #queer theory #judith butler

[makingqueerhistory]

The desire for perfection and clarity in every aspect is one of the biggest hurdles in the discussion of queer history.

It comes in many forms, one of the ones I have encountered the most personally is the desire people seem to have for queer people of the past to line up with some moral baseline before being understood as queer. As if the queer community is some monolithic paragon of virtue that must be gatekept.

There were queer Nazis, slave owners, abusers, colonizers, and murderers, beyond that there were scores of queer people complicit in those kinds of actions. They are just as much a part of the queer community as the best among us.

There is also this ever-present want for clear concise evidence that is unimpeachable, which is a little silly when you think about it. Queer people from three hundred years ago are not going to define themselves in ways that are easily understood and labelled by us now. How could they be expected to? When some historians say that modern labels can’t be applied to people in the past, they aren’t entirely wrong, but they aren’t entirely right either.

Calling a woman who had never heard the word lesbian used to mean anything but “someone from lesbos” a lesbian, is not perfect, because the best way to find a label for someone is to follow their self-identification and we don’t always have that. But lesbians can look at her poetry as an echo of their own experiences, and using the word lesbian to discuss her can be a useful (if imperfect) tool to connect our present to our past. Queer people from the past have experiences in common with modern members of the community, and that is worth discussing. That being said, that doesn’t mean they can be expected to be perfect representation. In fact, expecting “good representation” from anything but fiction is a recipe for disaster.

Also since queer history is a relatively new field of research, we can’t expect every conclusion we come to, to be the right one. We are products of our time just as much as the people we study, and that’s okay. Mistakes can and will happen, and those mistakes will make room for correction and growth for the people who come after us. Yes, we should be putting our best foot forward, but we just have to accept that we will slip sometimes.

The expectation for perfection is a form of discrimination. Plain and simple. Queer history is a study of complex, messy, horrible, brave, and incredible people from the past, and the ties that connect them to us here in the present. As someone who has spent a lot of time thinking and researching that subject, I have to say: the messiness of it all is what makes it worthwhile.

#queer history #lgbt history #lgbt #queer

[echo-bleu]

jump and hope it’s not a cliff

Summary: Five times Alec and Magnus come out, and one time they come home.

“I’m gay,” he blurts out.

Some part of him still expects it to be earth-shattering, but it’s not. It’s almost nothing, just a word, a single syllable that falls out of his lips easily. It doesn’t suddenly make everything click into place, or scramble his whole being.

It’s just a fact.

Malec, about coming out and pride and supporting each other.

A/N: This is set in the same universe as map out a world and there are a few callbacks, but this should easily stand on its own. Alec is autistic, and everything else is mostly like canon, except that I stretched out the timeline. Part 1 to 3 are set somewhere during season 2, 4 during season 3 and the last two at some point in the future. The title is a quote from Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston (thank you Cor for the suggestion).

A huge thank you to the amazing @moonlight-breeze-44  who did a great job betaing this and cheering me on, as well as all the wonderful people in the Malec Discord Server for helping me come up with some of these scenes and being super supportive. This fic was truly a work of love and it's very close to my heart, so it's a little daunting to finally post it!

Warnings: part 5 contains a transphobic character who says very transphobic things. You might want to skip that part if it's a sensitive subject. The rest contains mentions of (mostly past) queerphobia and ableism, but it's all fairly light.

Read on AO3.

1.

Alec can’t remember a specific moment when they came out to each other. He remembers Magnus openly flirting with him — right in front of his siblings, too, and Alec is just embarrassed by how utterly clueless he was, though Magnus seems to think it was adorable — and his own clumsy attempts at flirting back, once he got over his confusion. But he doesn’t remember ever saying “I’m gay.”

He’s not sure he’s ever said it out loud, to anyone, like the word is heavy and draining and it’s something best left half-implied, a whisper of a suspicion rather than a hard fact; despite the evidence. Alec is attracted to men — is attracted to Magnus, really, because besides his mistaken infatuation with Jace, he’s never felt that pull for anyone else — but he doesn’t speak of it. Magnus just seemed to know, just like Izzy did, just like Jace did, or maybe he took a leap of faith and he’s really good at appearing more confident than he actually is.

What he does remember is skimming through Magnus’ Clave file, that day before they went to meet him at his club, and the leap his heart made when he read about Magnus’ well known “proclivities” towards lovers of all genders. It was followed by fear and disgust, because of course the Clave would write this down as proof of Magnus’ untrustworthiness and dangerous behavior. Alec was dangerously close to thinking that way, back then, too terrified of people finding out about him to fully question what he’d been taught to believe. He tucked the information into a corner of his mind, and he’d be hard-pressed to tell if it influenced his first impression of Magnus and how.

They’ve been dating for over two months now, and they’ve never spoken about it. They’ve never spoken about Alec’s very public coming out to the Clave beyond agreeing to a date. They’ve discussed past relationships — or lack thereof — and the political issues that come with a Shadowhunter dating a Downworlder, especially as they’re both prominent figures in the city, but they’ve never spoken of themselves or the couple they form in terms of queerness.

And now, staring at the rainbow cover of the new book in Magnus’ hands, Alec wonders why.

He shakes himself out of his thoughts and finishes hanging his jacket on the coat rack as Magnus puts down the book and stands up with a wide smile. They’ve decided on a quiet night in tonight — dinner and a movie — after a week that has been horrendously long for both of them. Unresolved issues are piling up at the Institute, but right now Alec just wants to relax and enjoy his boyfriend.

Boyfriend. He’s still getting used to that. He thought for so long that he could never have any of the things that so many people take for granted, and feeling for someone what he feels for Magnus, having it reciprocated, seemed the most unattainable of them all.

“You seem distracted,” Magnus remarks after a moment of silence in their dinner.

Alec looks up guiltily and stills his fingers, which have been tapping a discreet rhythm on his thigh. “Sorry,” he says, sheepish. “I didn’t mean to zone out.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“You,” Alec admits — it’s not a hardship to admit it at all. He spends most of the time that isn’t directly taken up by Institute business thinking about Magnus, in one form or another. He worries, often, that maybe it’s too much, that Magnus is going to find him too intense, but so far Magnus just preens at the attention.

“I’m flattered,” Magnus quips. “Anything specific?”

Alec’s eyes fall on the rainbow book on the coffee table again, across the room. It’s a book about queer history or something similar, something he hasn’t seen Magnus read about before. It’s flashy and mundane and distracting. There’s a strange tug in Alec’s stomach at just seeing a rainbow here, in Magnus’ living space, a fear that shouldn’t be there anymore.

“I’m gay,” he blurts out.

Some part of him still expects it to be earth-shattering, but it’s not. It’s almost nothing, just a word, a single syllable that falls out of his lips easily. It doesn’t suddenly make everything click into place, or scramble his whole being.

It’s just a fact.

“Okay,” Magnus says slowly, frowning a little like he can tell he’s missing something. “I already knew that, Alexander.”

Alec runs his thumb down the fabric of his jeans and works his jaw. “Yeah,” he says. “I’m not sure I did.”

Magnus frowns further, uncomprehending, then his face lights up. “You’ve never actually said it, have you? If you came out at the wedding—” he waves a hand.

“That wasn’t planned, and my parents aren’t exactly interested in talking about it,” Alec says. “I kinda feel like I used you, actually. We weren’t even dating or anything, and there’s a gap between flirting with me and kissing me in front of the entire Institute.”

Magnus shakes his head. “I was surprised, but I’ve never been shy or particularly closeted, if that’s what you mean. And I was definitely hoping that you’d call off the wedding. It was a hell of a way to come out, though.”

“It sure didn’t help my standing with the Clave,” Alec mutters. “Or my relationship with my parents. But I don’t regret it. I regret not really giving you a choice, though. Even if you’re not in the closet, I know the Institute doesn’t represent something positive for you, and publicly being with a Shadowhunter can’t be good for your reputation.”

“My reputation has been through much worse than this,” Magnus reassures him. “But I appreciate your concern. And I promise you I was a willing participant.”

Alec nods in acceptance and eats a few more bites of his risotto. Like everything Magnus conjures, it’s delicious. They eat in silence for a moment, but Alec feels Magnus’ gaze on him, intense but somehow not heavy.

“I’m bisexual,” Magnus finally says. “I’ve used many labels over the years, some whose meaning is very different now, and often no labels at all, but that’s the one I like best.”

Alec carefully commits the information to memory and looks up to meet his eyes, to show that he’s listening.

“Did you always know?” he asks. “Even when you had no words for it?”

Magnus takes a moment to think about it. “I think so,” he answers. “It was always a part of me, like my magic or my eyes. I didn’t always accept it, but I knew.”

Alec nods, feeling like he can’t relate to that certainty. Clarity isn’t something he’s ever had about himself, about anything. Whether it’s about his sexuality, or his aspirations, or even who he is as a person, it’s always been muddled. The identities his parents and the Clave tried to impose on him, Shadowhunter and Lightwood and soldier, have never felt quite right, like he doesn’t fit into the boxes he desperately tries to hide in, but neither have the labels he’s come across since, not really.

“I’m gay,” he murmurs to himself again. He’s not sure it feels right. Maybe he just needs to get used to it, after years of not daring to apply the word to himself. Maybe it’s really just a word, and its power drained out with the need to hide. Alec shakes his head. It’s better than anything else. It’s enough. It has to be, right?

2.

Magnus claps his hands once, making a bowl of popcorn appear on his knees. “Here,” he says. “The real movie night experience.”

He had been horrified to learn that Alec has never done that before. His siblings have sneaked out to go to the movies with their teenage dates, but Alec was always the good son, and the Institute only has one TV in the break room that is certainly not casually watched by the Head of the Institute, which Alec has functionally been since he was sixteen.

Magnus doesn’t count the few classic movies Alec watched on his own on his laptop in the safety of his room as a real movie night experience. Movie night is, by definition, something you do with others.

He passes the bowl of popcorn to Alec, taking a few pieces with his other hand and popping them into his mouth. They’re sitting side by side on the couch in his living room, rearranged for the occasion. Magnus has pushed aside the two armchairs that usually occupy the other side of the coffee table in favor of a huge wide screen TV, which is currently displaying the opening scene of The Fellowship of the Ring.

“Why does it include popcorn?” Alec frowns, taking a few from the bowl and passing it back. He’s sitting cross-legged on the couch, a fluffy pillow on his lap and his new tangle toy in his hand. He’s very recently started to loosen up around the loft and actually make himself comfortable, rather than constantly staying straight-backed and tense, and Magnus never tires of watching him stim and relax.

Magnus puts his feet up on the coffee table. “It’s tradition, Alexander!”

“Aren’t you way older than the invention of the cinema?”

“Come on, movie night is something you’re supposed to enjoy, not question,” Magnus says. “Shh, I love this bit,” he adds when Gandalf makes his entrance.

Alec huffs and sits back, but there’s a smile on his face, and he’s almost close enough that their thighs touch. Magnus lets him take the first step, knowing that Alec doesn’t always handle touch well, but by the time Frodo sets out of the Shire, Alec has sought out Magnus’ free hand and interlaced it with his own.

He listens amusedly to Magnus commenting on every moment of the movie, marveling at the landscapes and critiquing the largest departures from the books, which Alec hasn’t even read. He doesn’t say anything beyond making some noises at the right places, up until the first sword fights.

“But you can’t hold a sword that way!” he protests. “His posture is all wrong!”

Magnus holds back a laugh. “It’s a movie, darling. Cinematic aestheticism is more important than realism.”

“But this is wrong! How can anyone not see it?”

Magnus keeps it to himself that he definitely didn’t, in spite of his rather extensive training. His martial arts knowledge is very different from Alec’s sword-fighting techniques. “Just relax and let yourself enjoy it,” he says, squeezing Alec’s hand.

By the time they get to the Moria fight, Alec is leaning forward to watch more closely and sputtering. “That’s not how you hold a bow!”

Magnus shrugs. “He looks rather dashing while doing it, so who cares?”

“Who cares? I care! This doesn’t make any sense! Don’t these actors have a modicum of training?”

“I’m sure they do,” Magnus says. Alec’s indignation is rather hilarious, even if it doesn’t let him truly enjoy the movie. His purpose was to show it to Alec, anyway, not to watch it himself. Watching Alec’s reactions is endearing and more fun than the movie itself. “But they’re thinking more about making it look good than realistic. And they’re all really hot doing it, which doesn’t hurt.”

Alec blinks at that and tilts his head. “You think they’re hot?”

Magnus turns his head toward him in surprise. “Don’t you?”

Is Alec jealous? It doesn’t seem to fit with his character, not over such a small thing, but Magnus doesn’t know everything about him yet.

“I don’t know, I guess?” Alec shrugs. “I haven’t really thought about it.”

Magnus opens his mouth and closes it. He pauses the movie, and Alec frowns in surprise. “Alec, do you...who do you think is hot?”

“I, uh,” Alec hesitates. “I don’t know. Why is that important?”

“It’s not, necessarily, but most people don’t say ‘I guess’ when asked if someone is hot or sexy. You can have a type, but—” Magnus gestures in frustration, struggling to explain. “It’s something you see right away.”

Alec stares at him for a moment, lost. “I don’t… I’m not sure I understand. I mean, you’re beautiful. You’re hot, I suppose. Them—” he gestures at the TV. “I don’t know them.”

Magnus carefully doesn’t let the ‘I suppose’ hurt — he knows Alec doesn’t mean it the way it sounds. He smiles at the compliment, instead. “So you need to know someone to appreciate their sexiness?” he asks.

Alec takes a moment to think about it. “You’re the only one I’ve really thought of as sexy,” he says slowly. “And even then...it’s not something I’d think unprompted? It’s just not important to me, I suppose.”

“Alexander, are you asexual?” Magnus asks slowly.

For a moment, Alec looks like a fish out of water. He opens his mouth and closes it several times, searching for his words. He’s twisting his stim toy more and more nervously, so Magnus releases his hand to let him stim freely, putting his own hand on Alec’s thigh instead. Alec flinches away, though, so he lets him go.

“I don’t know,” Alec finally says. “Maybe? What if I am?”

“There’s a bunch of different identities under the asexual umbrella,” Magnus says. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

Alec freezes for a second, then squeezes his tangle toy hard in his hand. “Is it a problem? If I’m completely asexual?”

“No, of course not,” Magnus says hurriedly. “You’re wonderful the way you are.”

“Then why is it important?”

“For us?” Magnus checks. Alec nods without looking in his direction. “It just means that we need to talk about boundaries a little more than I’m used to. I want to do that with you, anyway, but maybe we should dig deeper than I anticipated.”

Alec nods tightly. “Okay.” He doesn’t sound like he really believes it.

“Alexander, I don’t know what you’ve been told, but it doesn’t make you lesser, or broken, if you don’t feel attraction to people. It’s just different. Some people are straight, some are gay, or bi, or something else. Some are ace.”

“But I’m gay,” Alec says.

It dawns on Magnus then. Of course, in the homophobic environment Alec grew up in, he would have defined a large part of his identity through his gayness, even before he was fully aware of it. Now that he’s come out, there are likely people at the Institute or even the Clave who only think of him as “the gay one”. Or “the gay one who is shagging a Downworlder,” probably, but Magnus doesn’t want to open that particular can of worms tonight.

“It doesn’t make you any less gay,” he says. “You can be asexual and homoromantic. Or gray-asexual or demisexual and still sexually attracted to men.”

“I think I’m attracted to you,” Alec says quietly. “I mean, sexually. I know I want to kiss you and date you, but I think I also want to have sex with you.” He’s red as a brick wall by the end of his sentence, but he bravely plows through, his voice even quieter. “I don’t think I was sexually attracted to Jace.”

Magnus nods as neutrally as he can. “And other people?”

Alec just shakes his head.

“Even romantically?”

He shakes his head again, his cheeks even redder. He’s started stimming again, so fast that his hands are a blur.

Magnus refrains from telling him that he feels giddy about being so special for Alec, because this isn’t something Alec chose. He doesn’t try to touch him, even though he wants to reach out. “So you’ve only been romantically attracted to people you already knew?”

“I don’t know,” Alec shrugs. “I didn’t really know you?”

“When did you start feeling attraction for me?”

Alec bites his lip, thinking. “I liked that you paid attention to me. No one gives me a second look, usually, unless I’m giving out orders. Jace and Izzy are easier to...approach, I guess. But I didn’t feel like...like you said, losing my breath and all that, until later. The day you said that, actually.”

“So you did know me by then,” Magnus says, trying to keep his voice neutral.

“Were you attracted to me from the beginning?” Alec asks hesitantly, like he’s not sure he wants to know the answer.

“Yes,” Magnus admits easily. “But attraction isn’t something you have to act on. I liked what I saw as soon as I laid eyes on you, but then I learned to appreciate you. Your personality, your sense of humor, your loyalty to your siblings. That’s not just attraction. That’s falling in love.”

“And asexuals can do that?”

“Some of them can, some of them can’t. Some want to and some don’t. There’s no one-size-fits-all with this.”

“So what am I?”

Magnus takes a breath, trying to figure out what Alec really needs to hear. Does he need a label? Or just reassurance? He decides to go for the option that feels the least patronizing and tries to answer his actual question. “You can correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that what you’re describing is demisexuality, and maybe also demi-romanticism. It means you need to know someone, to have an emotional connection to them, before you feel attraction. But you could also say that you’re gray-ace and gray-romantic, since you don’t experience attraction often or in the same way as most people, but you do have some attraction.”

Alec nods throughout, his eyes boring a hole into the TV he’s staring at with intense focus. Magnus can even see him mouth some of the words, trying them out. “I think that sounds right,” he says slowly. “I don’t know, I need to think about it more, but it’s a start.”

“You don’t need to settle on a label tonight,” Magnus tells him.

Alec swallows. “No, I know, but...you deserve to know. Even if you’re amazingly tolerant, you deserve to know what you’re getting into.”

Magnus closes his eyes briefly. “No, Alexander,” he says, pained. “Your identities are yours and yours alone, and you don’t need to put words on them for me. I’m not being tolerant; I love you for who you are, and anyone who can’t accept you, all of you, doesn’t deserve the time of the day. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Alec breathes out through his nose and stills his hands for long enough to look in Magnus’ direction. “Okay,” he murmurs with a tiny smile. He reaches out and takes Magnus’ hand in his. “I love you too.”

3.

“Mister Bane, please refrain from interrupting me in the future.”

Magnus sighs. The meeting has been going on forever, and the President of the Spiral Council, a warlock older than himself but disliked by nearly the entire community, is being downright insulting by refusing to call him by his rightful title of High Warlock. He feels the usual prickle of his skin at the address, at the way she insists on the Mister.

“My apologies,” he relents, all energy to argue drained out of him. He’s been fighting her on this matter — a change in the interrogation protocols for the warlocks captured by Valentine, ultimately a waste of resources — for three hours, and he’s done. He glares at the assembled warlocks around the table, who all agree with him but don’t have the guts to speak up. Why does he always have to do all the work?

He sits through the rest of the meeting without saying a word, resolutely ignoring the constant taunts from the President. She’s not worth his time. Not if no one will back him up.

Magnus is tired and more than a little upset when he makes it back to his loft. Minor inconveniences are piling up to make today one of the worst days of work he’s had in awhile. At least Alec will be here tonight, on his night off from patrol.

Magnus magically summons the few bills that have been left in his mundane mailbox downstairs at the same time as he takes off his jacket and haphazardly throws it on the floor of his bedroom. His heart constricts a little more at the sight of the address, Mister Magnus Bane. He doesn’t want to deal with this today, but he can’t seem to escape it.

He banishes the bills and changes his outfit to a silk robe with a snap of his fingers. There, better. At least now he’s comfortable.

Sighing, he sits down at his makeup console. He looks at himself critically for a moment. He went overboard with the makeup this morning, and the heavy, dark eyeshadow that he thought made him look mysterious now just seems to carve in his eye sockets, and he looks gaunt instead. He makes it disappear, leaving only the light eyeliner lines.

He woke up with a strong need to shave off his goatee, along with most of the hair on his body. He goes through one of these phases every now and then. He would usually do it straight away, but this time, he hesitated. What will Alec think, if he comes over tonight and finds Magnus smooth-skinned, not only his face but also his chest and legs?

Sure, Magnus could technically magic back the hair as soon as Alec gets here, but it doesn’t feel right.

“Everything okay?”

Magnus starts and almost falls off of his chair in surprise. Alec is standing at the door of his bedroom, in his socks. In his distraction, Magnus somehow missed him passing his wards, coming through the front door and removing his shoes.

“Fine,” he says. “Just a frustrating day. But you’re here now.”

Alec smiles. “I am. We can just chill out in bed, if you’re tired.”

“What about dinner?”

“I could do dinner in bed,” Alec shrugs. “I’ve been on my feet all day and most of last night. If I had my way, I wouldn’t move from bed for at least two days.”

“I could arrange that,” Magnus quips. He knows Alec would never go for it — for all that he says that, he’ll still be up at six on the dot tomorrow and unable to go back to bed. So Magnus has to take advantage of him while he’s here.

Snapping his fingers, he conjures a tray filled with Chinese food from a take-out place he knows Alec likes. “Dinner in bed it is,” he says.

“See, that’s why you’re my favorite man,” Alec smiles.

Magnus flinches. An actual, full-body flinch. He tries to cover it up by standing up, but Alec immediately spreads his arms to show his harmlessness, hunching over like he’s trying to make himself shorter. “I said something wrong,” he says.

“No, it’s fine, Alexander,” Magnus waves his hand, annoyed at himself.

“Please, Magnus. I can see it. You don’t have to tell me, but it would be better so I don’t do it again.”

“It’s just…” Magnus trails off, hesitating. He’s been putting off coming out to Alec, and he doesn’t know why. Or rather, he does know, but his fears are barely rational. Alec has taken him in stride so far, barely batting an eye, even at Magnus’ more extravagant habits. He had a truly amazing reaction to seeing Magnus’ warlock mark. So why would this be any different?

No, Alec won’t react badly. But if Magnus comes out now, it will become a thing. They’ll have to talk about it, explain, like every time he tells someone, and it will be weird for days. Magnus is tired. Tired of not being able to be who he is without everyone else forcing him into boxes he doesn’t fit in.

He’s tired and he doesn’t want to explain, but he also wants Alec to know. He wants him to know why words that seem perfectly normal and safe to Alec sometimes feel like a knife to Magnus’ back. He wants to be able to make jokes about his gender and have them understood. He wants to wake up next to Alec and know that his partner knows and respects him for who he is, fully.

He takes a deep breath. “I’m not a man. I’m nonbinary.”

Alec doesn’t move. His eyes widen a little, but he doesn’t turn away from Magnus, keeping his gaze somewhere around Magnus’ mouth as usual. Magnus can almost see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to decide what to answer with.

“Okay,” he says slowly. “I don’t...I think I know what the word means, but I don’t know a lot about it. Do you want to tell me what it means to you or do you want me to research it first?” His gaze trails toward the bookshelf Magnus has put together of books on queer theory.

Magnus gapes, because this is so far from any reaction he expected that it didn’t even come to his mind as an option. “I—” he stammers. “I will tell you, but I’m too tired tonight. And maybe you could...read a couple things first? Would that be okay?”

“That’s why I offered,” Alec says, with a relieved smile.

“You’re amazing, Alexander. You know that?”

Alec grins, with that tiny frown that says he wants to refute it but knows Magnus won’t hear of it if he does. He still can’t take a compliment — he can’t, Magnus has come to learn, think of himself positively without remembering every time he’s been put down and belittled by the people who should have lifted him up. Magnus just pats his shoulder. “How about we go to bed? Tomorrow, we can talk.”

Alec nods, and Magnus realizes that he’s looking forward to it, to telling Alec about himself.

*

When Magnus wakes up the next morning, which is their day off — Magnus has adapted his own schedule to match Alec’s whenever possible — Alec isn’t in bed next to him. Magnus finds him in the main room, sitting crossed-legged in an armchair with his laptop on his lap, a full breakfast ready on the table. He’s obviously been up for a while, if he’s had time to prepare all that on top of his morning run and stretching routine.

“Hey,” he gives Magnus a wide smile.

“Did I oversleep?” Magnus asks. He’s definitely less of an early-riser than Alec, who tends to wake up with the sun whenever he hasn’t been on the night shift, but he’s usually awake by the time Alec comes back from his run.

“There’s no such thing on a day off, but I think you were tired,” Alec answers. “I’ve been up for three hours.”

“Oh my,” Magnus murmurs, checking the time with a wave of his hand. To his relief — and amusement — it’s only eight-thirty, definitely not that late by his standards. “What have you done with all this time?”

“Research,” Alec waves to the books on the coffee table in front of him, which Magnus only now notices. They’re from his LGBT+ book collection, and definitely his top choices for learning about gender identities. “I’m learning a lot.”

“Let me shower and we can talk about it,” Magnus decides, his body tensing with excitement and a touch of apprehension.

“Breakfast is ready when you are,” Alec smiles reassuringly.

He’s just serving coffee when Magnus comes out of the shower. Magnus hasn’t bothered to get dressed or do his makeup yet, avoiding his mirrors — which isn’t the easiest feat in his bathroom, which has no less than two full-length mirrors beside the one above the sink — because he’s not sure what he wants to look like today. His goatee still itches on his chin, but he needs to get a feel for Alec’s reaction before he goes ahead and shaves it.

He forbids himself from pulling at his facial hair and grabs his mug of coffee instead, hissing when it nearly burns his hand. “Hey, you okay?” Alec asks, his voice quiet and concerned.

“I’m fine, Alexander,” Magnus makes himself smile. There’s no reason for this to go badly. Last night, even though Alec didn’t know much, was already affirming and relieving.

The concern is always there, especially given the culture Alec comes from, but Magnus has seen Alec fight hard against his own racism and internalized homophobia, and more recently his internalized ableism — and Alec is someone who doesn’t relent until he makes things right. Especially when he’s the one who made mistakes. It’s going to be okay.

“Tell me what you need,” Alec says, meeting his eyes — something he only does when he wants to show Magnus his support, explicitly and deliberately.

“Ask me?” Magnus tries. He hates feeling this vulnerable. “Ask me whatever questions you have, without beating around the bush.” Don’t make it awkward and painful, please.

“Alright, I can do that,” Alec smiles softly, and Magnus melts a little, like every time Alec looks at him like that. He takes a sip of his coffee. “So, I’ve read that there are a lot of different nonbinary identities. Do you use any of those labels for yourself? If you want to tell me.”

Magnus swallows in gratefulness. “I don’t, not really,” he replies. “Most of those labels are very recent, and they don’t really match with how I’ve learned to think about myself. Even nonbinary doesn’t feel exactly right, even if I fit the definition. But I use it because it’s rare for me to feel part of a community, of a group of people who share that with me.”

Alec nods thoughtfully. “I think I can relate with that,” he says. “The community thing, I mean. I’ve never actually thought about my gender, not beyond where it relates to my sexuality, but I guess not needing to think about it is a good sign that I’m cis.”

“Probably,” Magnus shrugs. “Does it feel strange for you? Realizing that you’re not really dating a man?”

Alec takes the time to think about it, though he never completely looks away. “No,” he says finally. “I won’t lie, maybe a few months ago it would have, because...I fought against my own gayness so much that when I finally accepted it, I needed it to be clear-cut. But I don’t feel like that anymore. If I learned something about identities and labels, it’s that they shouldn’t be boxes where you have to cut off parts of yourself to fit inside. I love you. I’m gay. You’re nonbinary. Those don’t have to be mutually exclusive.”

Magnus needs a few long seconds before he remembers how to breathe. “They don’t,” he murmurs when he can finally speak again. Alec isn’t usually eloquent, but he has a knack for finding exactly the right words sometimes. And surprising Magnus, every day.

“Yesterday, you reacted when I called you a man,” Alec says slowly. “I’m probably going to slip up a few times until I get used to it, but can you tell me how you want me to speak of you? What words I should use?”

“Yesterday I was irritated and dysphoric,” Magnus replies. “It usually isn’t a problem. I don’t love those words and I’d prefer to avoid them when it’s just us, but socially, I’ve been taken for a man for so long… I can’t say it doesn’t bother me, but I’m not sure I can really imagine anything else. Sure, I’ve had fun glamouring myself into something more feminine, or cultivating an androgynous style at different times, but I’m still...I’m more comfortable being seen as a man than as a woman. Warlocks are sometimes seen as sexless by mortals, like Seelies, because our customs are so different, and I’ve always played with those perceptions.”

“Your name is masculine, right?”

Magnus shrugs. “Yes and no. It uses the masculine marker in Latin, but Latin was a language with grammatical gender. There are masculine words referencing females, and the other way around. And it’s a dead language, anyway. It was dead before I was born. I don’t think of my name as masculine.”

“Then, that’s what’s important,” Alec says. “What about pronouns?”

“I’ve used many different pronouns in many different languages,” Magnus answers. “I’ve always been partial to languages with no gendered pronouns like Turkish, but I really don’t care. He/him pronouns don’t make me feel bad, and I’m used to them.”

“There are languages with no gendered pronouns?” Alec asks, fascinated.

“A number of them,” Magnus says. “We really need to travel more. But to go back to your question, maybe in a few years or decades, I’ll be more comfortable with the new gender-neutral pronouns in English like they/them, but it takes me a while to get used to new things. So he/him is fine for now.”

“Okay,” Alec nods. “What about...we’ve been calling each other boyfriends. Would you rather I use something else?”

Magnus laughs, relief finally washing over him. He was tenser than he realized, and it makes him feel like jelly, suddenly. “No, Alexander. Hearing you calling me your boyfriend is far too endearing to change that. Please keep doing it.”

Alec’s face illuminates with a wide smile. “My nonbinary boyfriend,” he says playfully. “I know we’ve only barely scratched the surface, but is there something else I should know right now?”

Magnus runs a few things through his head, deciding to keep them for later — he’s very curious, and not all that apprehensive anymore, of what Alec’s reaction to him in feminine lingerie might be — and strokes his chin. “Oh,” comes the illumination. “I really want to shave my face right now. It’s been too long since I last did that.”

“Okay,” Alec says. “That’s a gender thing?”

“Sometimes facial hair feels dysphoric,” Magnus replies. “Like today. Sometimes I just want to look different.”

“I love both looks,” Alec says. “I love all of your looks. I love how I never know what you’re going to go for in the morning.”

Magnus starts eating his pancakes, but he decides that he doesn’t want to wait. He conjures a hand mirror in front of his plate and runs his glowing hand over his chin carefully, leaving smooth skin behind. Alec smiles at him over his coffee mug and Magnus smiles back, glancing at his now hairless face in the mirror. That feels better. Maybe he’ll go ahead and wax his legs and his chest as well.

4.

“Of all the days to be called out on patrol—”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Alec sighs, trying to appease Magnus’ annoyance by squeezing his hand. It’s Sunday, it’s the middle of the day, he wasn’t expecting a call from the Institute at all. “But the nest is in a busy metro tunnel just below the end of the parade. In a few hours, there’s going to be thousands of people down there, and who knows when the demons might try to attack the trains. And they’re bat demons, so they need my bow.”

The curse—and occasional blessing, if Alec is honest with himself—of being the only archer worth his salt in the New York Institute, is that despite now being the official Head, he’s still needed on the patrol roster. Most Institute Heads retire from the field, the administrative and political work being a full time job, but Alec still goes out with his siblings several times a week, and he usually leads the special teams called to handle demon surges.

Today, he curses that necessity with everything he has. Magnus has been excited about their first Pride together for weeks, and Alec was truly happy to do this with him.

“We were supposed to go to the parade,” Magnus sulks.

“I’m really sorry,” Alec repeats. “Maybe if we handle this fast enough, I can join you part-way through? I’ll do my best.”

Magnus looks at him critically. “No. I’m coming with you.”

“I know the parade is important to you—”

“It’s only important if we go together,” Magnus answers. “If I come with you, it will be faster, and then I can portal us into the procession directly, if there’s still time.”

“Alright,” Alec nods.

The team, larger than usual patrols because of the size of the demon nest, is almost ready when Alec and Magnus make it to the ops center. Alec quickly gets his bow and quiver and straps on his thigh holsters, and moves to signal the go ahead.

“Wait,” Magnus holds him up. “If we’re going to do this, we’ll do it in style.”

Alec frowns as he waves his hand, releasing a cloud of blue magic onto the two of them. Alec looks down at himself, his eyes gliding over his outfit before he clocks the changes. The lapel of his leather jacket now holds two prominent flag pins, a rainbow one and one with the black, gray, white and purple of the asexual flag. He sees matching pins, significantly larger, on Magnus’ vest, with his own flags. It’s the first time, as far as Alec knows, that Magnus has outwardly worn his nonbinary identity in the Institute, and he feels a swell of pride at the shine in Magnus’ eyes.

“Look at your arrows, sir,” Underhill’s voice comes from over his shoulder.

Alec twists his head to see the fletching of his arrows, usually red, is now brightly colored. Each fletch bears the colors of a different pride flag.

“So we can defeat the demons with pride,” Magnus smirks when Alec looks back at him.

“I like it,” Alec smiles. The mass of bright colors hurts his eyes a little, but the gazes of his teammates on them aren’t full of judgment but of amusement, and that’s a victory in its own right. He runs a hand over the little pins on his lapel.

“Um, sir?” Underhill asks, clearing his throat.

“Yes?” Alec turns to him, but he realizes that Underhill is looking at Magnus and not at him.

He gestures at the pins Magnus is wearing, and Alec can feel Magnus brace himself for a comment. “Could I, uh, have one too?”

Magnus blinks. “Of course,” he recovers quickly. “Rainbow flag?”

“Yeah,” Underhill nods.

Magnus snaps his fingers, and a pin as large as his own appears on Underhill’s chest.

“Thank you!”

Alec is certain he can see his subordinate’s eyes shine.

“Anyone else?” Magnus asks, full of mirth. A few people grumble, including Jace, until a young Shadowhunter takes a step forward.

“Can I have a trans pin?” she asks, her voice only wavering a little.

Alec feels a swell of pride. Kara is one of the youngest recruits, a sixteen year old who’s mostly kept to herself since she transferred to the Institute last winter, because he was the only Head willing to accept her chosen name and pronouns. Her face is set in stubborn determination as she fields her teammates' stares and stands in front of Magnus. Magnus beams at her. “Here you go, darling,” he snaps his fingers again. Kara looks down at the shiny pastel colored pin in reverence, and flashes him a smile.

“Are we ready to go?” Alec asks. He doesn’t want to break the moment, but they really need to move.

Magnus takes a step back and throws out a portal in front of them. “Let’s go kill some demons,” he says.

Alec grabs an aromantic-themed arrow from his quiver, smiling internally at the pun, and nocks it onto his bow string before stepping through the portal.

5.

Alec does his best to pay attention to what Jia is telling him, but he’s not having the best time of it. He’s had a full glass of champagne already and it’s getting to his head a little, and the ambient noise isn’t helping his concentration — in fact, it’s loud enough that his head is pounding and he’s losing track of what’s going on.

And then, there’s Magnus. Alec keeps stealing concerned glances at him, standing across the room in conversation with an older Shadowhunter from the Prague Institute. It’s been at least ten minutes, and every time Alec looks, Magnus is wearing a new accessory.

Alec knows why Magnus elected for a plain look today, for their very first reception since they moved to Alicante. He wanted to avoid dragging attention to him, knowing that many people in attendance are doubtful toward the new High Warlock of Alicante. Tonight marks Alec’s official nomination as Inquisitor, and he wanted to spare Alec a scene.

Alec is starting to suspect that a scene may be unavoidable, and if the reason is what he suspects, then he will wholeheartedly defend Magnus. It started with earrings. Magnus went for a simple dark suit with almost no jewelry beside his wedding ring, but he’s now sporting a very shiny pair of diamond earrings. And a necklace. And a butterfly hair clip that probably costs more than a year of Alec’s now sizable salary.

And now, lipstick. Very obvious, bright red lipstick.

“I’m so sorry,” Alec turns back to Jia, “but I believe my husband needs my help.”

Even though she’s now his direct superior, he doesn’t wait to be dismissed and he strides through the room, his height and his new status meaning that everyone gets out of his way. Izzy catches his eyes briefly, and Alec signals at her to stand by.

By the time he’s made it to his husband’s side, Magnus’ hair has turned into a vibrant rendition of the nonbinary flag, and that’s not a good sign. Alec steps into his field of vision before putting a hand on his arm.

“Everything okay?” he asks.

“Peachy,” Magnus says through his teeth. “This gentleman right here was just telling me about a very strange sort of demon that possesses young Nephilim men and makes them pretend to be women in order to assault actual women.”

Alec blinks as he takes that in, as well as the poison in Magnus’ tone. He tightens his grip on Magnus’ arm, feeling the stares on them — Magnus’ new hair color is hard to miss.

“Really?” he asks innocently, tilting his head. “I’ve never heard of those demons. I should read up on them, so I can make sure every Institute is fully ready for an invasion. What did you say their classification was, Mr. Svec?”

The man gapes at him. “They’re...uh...I don’t…”

“That’s what I thought,” Alec says icily. “There’s no such thing. You’re Kara’s father, aren’t you?”

“That monster isn’t my son,” Svec spits out.

“No, you’re right. She’s not. She’s your daughter. And she’s absolutely thriving at the New York Institute, by the way. She’s the best fighter in her class. That’s what happens when people accept you for who you are.” Alec deliberately turns his back to the sputtering man and looks at Magnus. “Honey, it’s getting late, we should probably head home,” he says, purposefully speaking louder than he needs to. Magnus is trembling with rage, fighting to rein himself in. “Let me just tell Jia, okay?” he adds in a murmur, just for Magnus.

Magnus closes his eyes and nods. “Get me away from him,” he says.

Alec gently guides him over to Izzy, who immediately takes Magnus’ hand. “Let’s stay out of the crowd,” she says, nodding at Alec that she’ll take care of him.

Alec finds Jia with Aline by the buffet. “I can’t condone this kind of bigotry coming from the Head of an Institute,” he says through his teeth.

“I don’t think he’ll try that twice around you,” Aline chuckles, nodding toward Svec, who is now glaring at them from across the room, clearly ostracized. “He didn’t make any friends tonight.”

“What happened tonight isn’t enough to remove him, but as Inquisitor, you’ll be able to push for someone else to take his place when his contract is up in six months,” Jia says. “I understand your anger, Alec. But we can’t change people in a day.”

Alec remembers, not for the first time since she offered him the job of Inquisitor, that she’s not just the progressivist Consul that the most conservative Nephilim frown at, or the mother of one of his best friends. She’s also the person who once sentenced Clary to death without a second thought. If he wants change, he’ll have to bring it on himself.

He exchanges a look with Aline, thinking of the folder on his new desk, the proposal they might have a chance at getting through now that he’s the Inquisitor. Jia’s right, it won’t be done in a day. But it will happen. Alec will make it happen.

And if at some point in the meantime, he has the opportunity to get rid of a few bigots like Svec, he won’t turn his nose up at it.

“Magnus and I are going home,” he says. “Thank you for tonight.”

“Congratulations on the promotion again,” Jia nods. “I’ll expect you in my office at eight tomorrow.”

“Good night.” Alec has to unclench his fist to shake Jia’s hand, and he realizes just how angry he is. Aline clasps him on the shoulder with an understanding look.

He finds Magnus and Izzy at the door, ready to go. “Can you portal us home?” he asks Magnus as they step outside.

Magnus wordlessly opens a portal and steps through without checking that Alec is following him, a testimony of how unsettled he still is. Alec takes the time to hug Izzy before he goes through. “You were amazing,” she slips him, kissing him on the cheek.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he answers. “Thanks for your help.”

Alec comes behind Magnus and embraces him as soon as he’s out of the portal. Magnus took them straight to their bedroom, but he hasn’t moved since, standing there trembling in rage — or in something else.

“I love you,” Alec murmurs over and over in his ear. “All of you.”

After a minute, the shaking subsides, and Alec feels his own anger drain with it. It leaves him tired and out of sorts, his head still ringing with the noise of the reception. He loosens his hold on Magnus and takes one hand off of him to pull off his tie.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus murmurs. “I really wanted to avoid making a scene.”

Alec moves to face him. “Don’t ever apologize for something a bigot caused. It wasn’t you.”

“I tried to just ignore him, but—”

“He was awful,” Alec finishes. “I know.”

“I don’t know why I let him get to me so much,” Magnus sighs.

Alec guides them both to sit down on the bed.

“You love Kara,” he says. “He was saying horrible things.”

Magnus shakes his head. “I didn’t even know that was her father.”

Alec shrugs. “We all get triggered sometimes. He just pushed the wrong buttons.”

Magnus curls up and buries his hands in his still colored hair. “I usually have better control than that,” he says.

“I think I know what happened,” Alec sighs. “You were feeling insecure because you toned down your whole identity for me, in a place where you don’t feel safe. You were already on edge, and probably dysphoric, am I wrong?”

“No,” Magnus mutters. “I hate slacks.”

“Magnus, I don’t want you to change yourself for me, ever,” Alec says. He puts a hand on Magnus’ shoulder, to make sure that he’s really listening. Magnus looks up at him. “I don’t want you to make yourself smaller or more acceptable because you think it will be better for me.”

“I just—” Magnus sighs. “It was your day.”

“We’re not, ever, going to be normal. Not for the Downworld, and definitely not for the Clave. And I don’t want us to be, Magnus. I’ve spent enough time trying to make myself fit into a mold that didn’t fit me. I don’t ever want you to tone yourself done for them.”

“Okay,” Magnus murmurs, his voice fragile. Alec feels a strong pulse of anger at Svec course through him again, seeing Magnus so vulnerable. Magnus isn’t supposed to be vulnerable. Not about this.

Or maybe he’s more insecure about it than Alec realized.

Alec holds him for a while in silence, feeling Magnus’ need to recoup. “How did you know I was feeling dysphoric?” Magnus asks suddenly, after a few minutes.

“I’m starting to recognize it,” Alec shrugs. “Also, you might want to look at a mirror.”

Before he can realize it, Magnus is out of his embrace, staring at a hastily conjured hand mirror. “Fuck,” he mutters, showing Alec that his suspicion was right. Magnus didn’t realize the way his magic responded to his discomfort.

“Did I just come out to the entire Council because I was angry?”

“Uh,” Alec hesitates. “I doubt that many of them know what the colors mean. They’ll just put it down as one of your...eccentricities. Izzy might know, though.”

“That’s why she kept saying she loved me,” Magnus breathes out, running a hand through his colorful hair.

“Should I be jealous?” Alec raises an eyebrow.

“I don’t know, Alexander. I’ve been thinking of leaving you for Isabelle’s legendary cooking skills.”

Alec makes a face at him, then he reaches out and touches the tip of Magnus’ artfully styled hair where it’s dyed bright yellow. “I like this look on you,” he says. “I mean, I don’t like that you felt so threatened that your magic reacted this way, but I like to see you proud and loud. You’re beautiful.”

Magnus beams at him and relaxes back against Alec’s chest, holding up the mirror to look at the both of them, Alec straight-backed in his serious black suit and Magnus boneless against him, a flurry of colors. Alec wonders, often — especially on days like today — if they could make a more disparate couple, at least in the eyes of the world.

And yet the ways in which they fit together outweigh their differences, every day.

+1.

“I asked you here because I want to show you something,” Alec says when Magnus walks into his office on a Friday afternoon, holding his phone in his hand and looking confused.

Magnus stills at his seriousness. “Is something wrong?”

“No, not at all. The opposite, actually. But it’s important to me, and I thought you’d want to see it.”

Alec takes a thin blue folder from his desk and hands it over to Magnus, a small smile on his lips. Magnus opens it with a frown.

“What is this?” he asks.

“The ruling from the latest Council meeting,” Alec answers. “It came in just this afternoon.”

“The one they asked you to testify in?”

Alec confirms with a nod. He didn’t tell Magnus exactly why he needed to talk at the Council assembly, but it’s a common enough occurrence that Magnus didn’t think much of it. To Alec, though, it was a moment he’s waited for for a long time.

He watches Magnus skim the first lines of the ruling, his eyebrows shooting up. “Is that what I think it is?” Magnus asks, glancing up at him.

Alec’s fingers find his wedding ring and start spinning it. “Depends what you’re thinking,” he shrugs, trying to look unconcerned. He probably shouldn’t be anxious about Magnus’ reaction, but he is. “It’s the first part of a set of amendments to Clave law that I’ve been pushing for since before I was named Inquisitor. Aline and I presented them to the Council last month, and they’ve just been voted.”

“You and Aline,” Magnus says pensively. “‘Amendments concerning the inclusion of members of the LGBTQUIA+ community,’” he reads out loud. “You did this?”

“Full marriage equality regardless of gender, including for mixed-species couples,” Alec recites. “Automatic acceptance of name and gender change requests if related to transition. Recognition of the existence of genders outside the binary.”

Magnus gasps in surprise. Alec nods to confirm the truth of it. It’s one of the things the Council fought back the most on, and he pushed hard to get it to pass. It goes beyond even mundane progress in every country he’s looked up, but it was too important to let go.

“Anti-discrimination policies,” he continues. “And this one might affect us directly someday: equal rights to adoption and the use of surrogates.”

Magnus’ eyes light up briefly, though he doesn’t immediately comment. Alec wrings his hands and rambles on nervously. “We didn’t manage to get the legalization of polyamorous marriages, but we’ll keep working on it. We’re preparing a second proposal on Downworlder inclusion, but that one will probably make amendments to the Accords necessary, and that will take a lot more time.”

“Alexander,” Magnus says in a low voice. Alec almost keeps going, too nervous to stop, but there’s something almost dangerous in Magnus’ gaze.

“Yes?”

“You did all this?”

“Not on my own,” Alec shakes his head. “Aline wrote up most of the proposal, and we got as many queer Shadowhunters to come testify as possible. There aren’t a lot of trans Nephilim who are out, but it was important, especially since most of the people on the Council have little knowledge of these issues. Aline being Jia’s daughter probably helped a lot, and our wedding made a lot of noise around here.”

“No,” Magnus catches his wrist. “You did all this and you didn’t tell me anything? Not once?”

Alec deflates. “I, uh… I wasn’t sure it would go anywhere at first, and I know Clave politics can be a touchy subject for you. And then when we finally got the hearing, I kind of wanted to keep it a surprise? I didn’t want you to be disappointed if it didn’t work.”

He doesn’t understand Magnus’ reaction, or rather his lack of reaction. He’s been absurdly happy ever since Aline came by his office earlier this afternoon to bring him the ruling, and he thought Magnus would share his mood once he found out. But he seems pensive instead, like this doesn’t interest him all that much.

“What about you, Alexander?” he asks. “What if it hadn’t worked?”

“We would have kept trying,” Alec shrugs. “Like the last four times we submitted the proposal.”

Magnus blinks. “Four times?”

“The first time, it didn’t even make it past Jia’s office. She’s supportive, but it was shortly after she was elected, and she couldn’t afford the waves it would make when there were still so many Circle supporters around.” Alec consciously stops himself from talking and stills his hands, clasping them behind his back. “Magnus—”

“Yes?” Magnus prompts him.

“Are you angry I didn’t tell you?”

Magnus’ eyes widen in surprise. “No, Alexander, of course not. I’m just—overwhelmed, I suppose. I’m sorry I made you think that.”

“Then what is it? I thought you’d like it.”

Magnus looks away, biting his lip. “I do,” he says. “I—what you’ve accomplished is incredible. It’s going to change—everything—for some people, and that’s amazing. And I know that you didn’t do it for me, but—”

“You’ll be able to get the gender mentioned on your Idris ID changed or removed,” Alec finishes for him. “And anything else you want. I did do it for you, Magnus. Not just you, but for you, too.”

“I’m not a Shadowhunter,” Magnus says.

“You live here, now. This will apply to every Downworlder in Idris, too.”

Magnus works his jaw. “I’m having a hard time processing it,” he admits. “It’s been so long that—to be able to have my whole identity recognized, in Idris of all places—it’s almost impossible to believe.”

Alec’s tension relaxes almost on its own. “You can take your time,” he smiles. “It will still be here tomorrow, and the day after. Are you...mad that I didn’t include you in the process?”

“Why didn’t you?” Magnus frowns.

“I figured you had other things on your mind, with all the work you’re doing to get more Downworlders to move here. And it felt like...like something we should achieve on our own, somehow? I don’t know if that makes sense. Aline and I discussed asking you for advice several times, but we felt like it should be our project.”

“It does make sense,” Magnus nods. “This isn’t just about changing the law. You’re trying to change the culture, your culture, and I’ll never be a part of that. I understand.”

“I don’t want you to feel excluded,” Alec says immediately.

“I don’t. I’m amazed at what you’ve achieved. And if the next step is a rewrite of the Accords, then I’ll back you every step of the way, and push for those changes in the Downworld communities too.” He reaches out to stroke Alec’s cheek tenderly. “I love you, Alexander. You still surprise me every day, and I love you so much for it.”

Alec feels his heart speed up at the declaration, a wave of warmth and love coursing through him, reaching for Magnus. He opens his arms, and Magnus comes to nestle his face in Alec’s neck, hugging him tightly. “I love you too,” Alec says. “It would mean everything to me if we can take this next step in tandem. Change the world together.”

Magnus moves to beam up at him. “You’re incredible, Alexander. You know that?”

“You keep telling me,” Alec smiles, leaning in to kiss him.

As they pull apart again, he can’t help admiring the way the light hits Magnus’ face just right, highlighting the golden sparkles in his blue eyeshadow. Magnus has made it a point to wear warlock blue everyday since they moved to Alicante, but today it’s subdued, down to just his makeup and a discreet sapphire bracelet. He tilts his head, and the light makes his eyes glow.

“When you said the amendment about adoption could affect us, did you mean it?” he asks.

Alec bites his lip. “I know we’ve only talked about children in a very abstract way, but—is that something you’d want?” he asks in a smaller voice than he’d like.

“I’ve never truly wanted it before I met you, but yes, I think I would,” Magnus answers, looking a little awestruck by his own realization.

“It’s not something we need to commit to right now,” Alec reassures him. “But now, if we want to, the Clave will fully recognize any child we adopt as ours, and as a legal resident of Idris.”

“All thanks to you,” Magnus murmurs, tears in his eyes. “Yes, Alexander, I want children with you.”

“Then we’ll start thinking about that,” Alec says with a wide smile. “For now, let’s go home and celebrate properly.”

Magnus laughs wetly and twists his hand to make a portal. “After you,” he says.

Alec grabs his hand and pulls them through together.

#shadowhunters #malec #malec fic #alec lightwood #magnus bane #shadowhunters fic #mine #echo's fanfiction #map out a world #autistic alec lightwood #asexual alec lightwood #nonbinary magnus bane #malec discord server #hmdiscord

[humansofhds]

Steven Fisher, MDiv ’21

“I had one interaction with a patient who had trouble talking and had to communicate by writing on notebook paper. And as she struggled to write, she told me that she was preparing to be her husband's co-caretaker now that they were both in a place of poor health. As a chaplain, to receive that note and see the love that was poured into it was beautiful. That is what ‘holy’ is. I still carry that specific note with me, almost as one would a prayer card.”

Steven Fisher is a third-year master of divinity degree candidate at HDS and serves as a chaplain at Boston Children's Hospital.

Forming Identity, Finding Belonging

I grew up outside of Chicago, in a suburb called Vernon Hills. I was born there in 1993, my family having immigrated from Mexico City in 1991. So, I grew up in a household in which Spanish was primarily spoken, and then as soon as I started school, I started speaking Spanglish. Even though I spent most of my time in Illinois, we traveled to Mexico City often to be with my family there. Both the Chicago area and Mexico City are very much home for me. 

I had a rich childhood, filled with time spent outdoors in the prairies, the forest preserves in Northern Illinois, and then Mexico City for Christmas. I remember spending many hours in such beautiful places, like grandmother's flower garden, and the nearby open-air market. These vivid places have informed my experience of the world. I recall being in Mexico City seeing houses that were painted pink, and cerulean, and orange, then taking the plane back to Chicago, and as we were landing, I’d look down and see the winter. Suddenly everything was covered in snow. The sky was gray and the houses were painted gray or brown. It felt like I was entering a completely different world. 

Over time, I learned to switch between and navigate those worlds. Whenever I was in Chicago, I felt like a part of myself was missing—my Mexican identity. And whenever I was in Mexico, a part of my American identity was also missing, or wasn't being acknowledged fully. But when I got to college, I began to meet people from similar backgrounds with immigrant childhoods. 

There, I found belonging with people who knew what it meant to belong to more than a single culture. They knew how to speak Spanglish, they accepted my Spanish with all its grammar mistakes, and they weren’t embarrassed about their own accents in whichever language. Finding these communities was probably the most enriching experience I had, because I felt seen.  

Ministry at Harvard Divinity School

Before HDS, I worked for the Red Cross in their disaster services. Doing that work, I came across firefighter chaplains, state trooper chaplains, and hospital chaplains. I loved their ability to connect with survivors of natural disasters, so I investigated that career a little bit more and realized one needed a theological graduate degree. 

I had been a theology minor in undergrad and had a professor who encouraged further theological studies. At the time, I was at a Catholic university and this professor wanted me to go to a Catholic graduate school. However, I heard about HDS and decided to apply to their DivEx program instead. When I got to DivEx, it was incredible to see so many people who were rooted in different traditions and unconventional ways of being within their own traditions. They had such a commitment to justice and what that looked like in their respective communities. It was an almost immediate connection with the people there, coupled with lots of laughter.  

After that, I decided to apply to HDS, and I came about a year later. I could have gone to any number of theological graduate schools to complete that requirement, but I think I chose HDS because of our sense of wholeness when it comes to spirituality. The sense that we can take a class at the Medical school or the Education School and turn that into ministry. I love that HDS honors that, and that's a big part of why I came here.  

Queerness, Catholicism, and Eco-Spirituality

I grew up Catholic in a predominantly Mexican American experience of Catholicism, with a deep devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe, the Saints, and all the folklore that surround that. I still carry that with me as someone who is part of the Catholic tradition. 

At the same time, I'm also queer. And going back to the conversation about belonging, my queerness has challenged my place in the Catholic Church and forced me to claim spaces within it at the same time. What that looks like today is constantly navigating what it means for me to be true to myself, and what it means for me to be Catholic. 

Pointing toward Saints like Saint Francis of Assisi, Saint Joan of Arc, and Saint Therese of Lisieux has been a big part of my spirituality. They had a really deep and expansive sense of what loving is, in ways that extend even beyond the human, and into other ecosystems and other beings in the world. That is something that I want to hold true to. It shows up a lot in my spirituality and the ways it’s grounded in the environment, which I like to think of as a manifestation of God's creation. 

As individuals, some of us have a strong relationship with different ecosystems and what our place is in those ecosystems. But as a collective, we haven't really articulated a common vision. I think this is why we have so much trouble articulating our positions on climate change and policy. This is not to say we need to create a moral vision around the environment, but rather to say that we have an opportunity to unearth truths within our own traditions, and to learn with humility from the traditions of people who have been a part of this land before us, particularly indigenous peoples. 

The Holiness of Love

Currently I'm at Boston Children's Hospital, where I'm working primarily as a Spanish-speaking chaplain. However, a lot of my past training here at the Divinity School has been in English. Therefore, phrases like “holding space”, or “ministry”, or even the word “chaplain” don't necessarily translate to Spanish very well. It's awkward, it's clunky, and I struggle. So, now I'm learning to let the patients and families give me their own language for articulating their spiritual care. 

I ask very basic questions, and the vocabulary they use around God, or meaning and faith, is what I can more easily use to reflect back. I can't come in with my own vocabulary anymore. And I think this lesson applies to the way we meet people with other traditions. Essentially, we cannot come in with our own language of what it means to articulate a moral position around the environment, for example. We can only learn from other people's languages and reflect back what they have shared. 

Being a chaplain has honestly given me a broader conception of what is considered “holy”. This is due to the fact that I have had to learn how to honor holiness in the lives of other people who may have a very different worldview from me, whether it is about politics, religion, race, or gender. I've had to grow the capacity to learn what is holy in their lives, and to take that seriously.  

I had one interaction with a patient who had trouble talking and had to communicate by writing on notebook paper. And as she struggled to write, she told me that she was preparing to be her husband's co-caretaker now that they were both in a place of poor health. As a chaplain, to receive that note and see the love that was poured into it was beautiful. That is what “holy” is. I still carry that specific note with me, almost as one would a prayer card. 

Additionally, every time I talk to a patient nowadays, I try to light a candle. When I'm done talking to that patient, I blow out the candle. I've since extended that to my classes. It is one simple thing that has allowed me to acknowledge the holiness of the moment, even if it is through a phone call, or a video call, or a class on Zoom. This has been really centering for me. 

I am also a beekeeper and now that it’s getting warmer, I'm ready to be with my bees again, and check on their hive more regularly. Bees have the capacity to leave the hive, explore, and then come back to their community. For me, there's a sense of connection that comes with that. During this time where I'm somewhat isolated, I can welcome these bees back from wherever they went and feel like I m a part of this world, especially when I see all the pollen they have returned with from flowers miles around me. 

Interview by Suzannah Omonuk; photos courtesy of Steven Fisher

#Harvard #Harvard Divinity School #mexico city #chicago #catholic #catholiscism #chaplaincy #ministry #large #ecology #sustainability #environment #nature

[nighttimepixels]

Just wanted to let you know that... I'm trying to learn the little sign language, at least a little bit with your comic. It's always been a language I wanted to learn, both ASL and my native language, in fact. Say, why snd how did you learn this language ? If it's okay for you to respond, of course, I don't want to urge you or step in a line I didn't know was there

Oh, that’s awesome-!! I’m so honored you liked it ;v;

To answer your question - I’m not fluent in ASL, not at all! But I’ve picked up bits and pieces over the years for a lot of reasons. Some of it was media I enjoyed, more came from having a few friends that were struggling with selective mutism and wanting to be there for them even with a few signs, and more yet was just… personal interest!

I’ve learned everything I know of ASL online, but I of course rec joining a class or even just community group if you have access!

There are several wonderful sign dictionaries out there - with videos, picture sequences, and GIFs of the signs in action - and that’s a great place to start just picking up a few that are most important. Also… videos on Youtube, allllll the way. The great thing about ASL too is that even if your sign vocabulary is still small, if you learn your sign alphabet, then you can make tough spots work by spelling out words - and asking for the official sign by spelling the word out!

The thing to remember about ASL too is that… it isn’t just a ‘modifier’ to English.

There’s a lot of ease and benefits to the obvious crossover, but… there’s culture, there’s tics, heck, there’s different grammar rules! A lot of ‘extra fluff’ is left out of ASL because it’s absurd to leave it in, it’s not needed, and it’s just not part of the language for good reason, and more importantly, without detriment.

For example- in Part Two of the comic, I show Brick signing along to the dialogue as in-fic, “seems like I…. made an impression.” Now, in spoken English, we can envision the tone used, and so on, really easily, right? And the signs translated to that sentence. However… the actual signs used strictly translate to:

seem

I

impression.

A big reason why I chose those, in that order, is because part of Brick’s story is that he isn’t yet fluent in ASL - he’s still learning, and is actively searching for words & their corresponding signs! I get the feeling he’s ‘thinking’ in spoken English, and is translating in sign as best he can. (but idk, @popatochisssp is obviously the best one to ask on that front, I’m just interpreting and checked a few details with her as I was working on it X) )

I considered adding the sign for “big” in there before impression, but for space & dialogue translation reasons I ended up leaving it out - even though, tonally, that might well be what someone signing would choose to get across the same impression - or just emphasize ‘big’ using their body language!

That’s one of the things I love most about ASL- that it is just as expressive as a vocal language, despite what it seems like a lot of people think. Maybe it’s bc I’m an artist & animator, but the use of the body beyond just the ‘hand motions’ is just as important… and relays a lot about personality, just like someone’s voice and basic, more simplified body language might.

(On top of this, consider ASL’s different grammatical structure - you can read more here, it’s really cool - but basically, commonly you’ll see Subject-Verb-Object or Subject-Verb order; and if time is involved, then you might see something like “WEEK-PAST I WASH MY CAR” or, depending on the user’s vernacular, they’ll favor the subject-first style, and sign “MY CAR WEEK-PAST I WASH”. Point is, there’s variation just as in spoken language, and reasons behind those choices!)

.. okay I’ve rambled too long XD

Basically, I myself started learning bc I was interested for several reasons, both personal and bc I’m a nerd who happened across ASL content online (a couple bloggers, a few stories). I recommend just keeping it in your personal orbit as much as possible if you’re interested in learning! Read comics with sign, check out shows/movies with characters who sign, and definitely check out bloggers/youtubers who sign (and I always rec people who are HoH/deaf and/or mute most of all!)

TL;DR, if you get nothing else outta this post but are curious about Sign Language here’s some video-based Signing Content to get you interested/follow!

Things Not to Say to a Deaf Person (feat lots of BSL - British Sign Language - actually! But it applies across the board and is cool to see signing folk bust some bs)

I Can’t Hear Myself Speak! [CC] by Jessica Kellgren-Fozard, who is a lovely disability advocate & queer lady who is also Deaf/HoH! She talks about how she can’t hear herself speak in this video, and the varied ways deafness/being HoH can be manifested, and a bunch of other related things. (Link includes the playlist she has for her videos on Deafness - she signs in BSL, so don’t worry if you know only bits of ASL and don’t cotton on to her signing!)

ASL time - Top 10 Basic ASL Phrases for Beginners by Nyle DiMarco! You might’ve seen him around - he’s that super nice deaf model who went viral in the past few years on a few videos! He’s got a short series about basic ASL (and him being cheeky) that’s actually a big fave of mine bc he phrases it like a conversation, not just disjointed phrases.

How I Learned Sign Language From My Deaf Boyfriend by Sign Duo! Honestly, their whole channel is great. Tons of vlogs, they both sign the whole time of course - and they’re just really relatable, they feel like conversations - plus they’re both just really likeable. I strongly recommend any content that actually features two+ people fluently signing, but these two are great and informative. Also, I recommend their video My Deaf Boyfriend: Why He Doesn’t Use His Voiceif you want to know more about that cultural choice/inclination. Remember to turn on closed captioning if you aren’t fluent in ASL! :)

How Do Deaf People Experience Music? an interview featuring Shaheem Sanchez, a stellar deaf dancer and actor. Like I said earlier, I really really recommend learning about Deaf/Signing culture alongside the signs themselves. The context is incredible, and honestly, broadening your understanding of any marginalized group by learning their stories as told by them is a good thing in my opinion.

Dos and Don'ts of Interacting with the Deaf Community [CC]by The Essential Sign. Again, turn on CC if you’re not fluent in sign - her videos are great! This one’s a great cultural one for those new to signing/who want to learn about deaf culture. She busts some common misunderstandings and shows some course corrected alternatives that are actually positive, and encourages you how to move forward without stumbling over insensitive landmines! Similarly I super recommend her video What is Concentration Fatigue? (with RIKKI POYNTER) [CC]which talks about something you don’t see mentioned as often, I think - precisely what’s on the tin.

… aaand I’ll leave it there for now, I think those are good starting points and a variety of styles! Deaf/ASL-fluent vloggers are a great resource and way to, even if you’re isolated/don’t have a practice community, get regular exposure to sign as well as actual first-hand (heh) accounts from people who sign in their everyday life!

#night answers #about the Tangles comic #about sign language (but yeah disclaimer I'm not Deaf/HoH and am just attempting to learn as I go!) #I'd have to say that Sign Duo probably have the best ongoing vlog channel of this list (for ASL - Jessica's channel feats BSL so I rec that #but all these are good #idk just - stoke that curiousity! #that's always my stance #the fact that you're interested is so so good #hopefully this helps! most of all the videos i'm guessing pfff #thanks for your kind words ;v; #kyonesan

[wodnes--coyotl]

long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

---

There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE. 

#personalposting #long post #im SO SORRY IF YR ON MOBILE AND SEE ALL THIS #whatever its my blog ill write if i want to

[incarnateirony]

If we're looking to puzzles in past seasons, how about Zach's installation of false memories / fake selves in S+D in It's a Terrible Life? How much of it is Zach (or the show) just fucking around for fun? And how can anyone after watching it think Dean is heterosexual, or that the show thinks he is? I'd love to see analysis of all the parallel universes, false futures etc together that looks at what those eps are doing, from What Is and Should Never Be to French Mistake to The Trap

I imagine this is a followup to the time travel ask (x) which I will link here too, because it’s still important, even if this example itself is not time travel. I actually went into the OP and edited in a segment saying honestly, Time Travel takes more Universal Power than Created Spaces, from what I’ve witnessed in Supernatural.

I’m actually going to avoid the “Dean het/bi” argument here for once because, while I do espouse that Dean is now canonically bi via a series of low visibility text, the most textual nail being driven in during Last Call, I generally give that old era I just don’t see the same kind of genuine queer coding. The few episodes they crop up in tend to be Edlund’s and they were an entire universe away from modern Bobo+ episodes in delivery, and I’m just... going to go “nahhh, if you use that as part of what you see by all means, but I’m not about to dive into that with any kind of intent here.”

I did also during my edit point out some stuff in the Trap:  That is to say though, that according to this model, there IS still a future out there written somewhere that Dean had to bury Cas in a Malak Box, got overwhelmed by depression, literally gave up, turned into a monster and killed everyone he loved with Sam until he too died. But Not This Sam, Not This Dean.

But to go into the one of false memories and fake selves, we actually go closer to my Thought Boxes experiment. (x) 

Unlike The End and Edlund, we lack any kind of creative commentary or even text in the script itself to vaguely IMPLY this was an actual alternate timeline. But all timelines happen within Thought Boxes (see link) that have time installed (as opposed to many heavens being delineated/not having the Swiss Watch installed like Chuck’s worlds, but Chuck isn’t the only one that can perceive of an order.)

This is where things get a little warpy for people: stop thinking of angels as their vessels for a minute. Does Cas properly own his now, is it his own body, yes. But beyond Cas, or even before Cas had his living period(s) (which is actually a great deal of why he’s so thoroughly invested in the human perspective compared to his peers), I need people to realize that “wavelengths of intent” thing is important as fuck.

The faces we see are vessels to interact in a timeline with. They are functionaries, even if some proverbially hit a button like Anael. They are designed to pull out tasks within a universal structure, and also have lesser powers (by scale of their general grade/type) reflective of the divine that created that one. But just like Michael couldn’t actually snap his fingers and nuke them all in Dean’s Thought Box, I gesture at for example Dark Side Of The Moon where while Zachariah mocked them, he actually couldn’t pull out ubermoves on them, and couldn’t find them when they disappeared into Ash’s Thought Box. Because in here, we’re all just mental projections. And in here, we’re all the same. So you can’t. Don’t play God’s game, make him play yours. 

We also find out that God had wiped Sam and Dean’s death memories in heaven before, not too unlike Castiel did Lisa and the kid later. Memory manipulation is nothing new.

This seems like a bizarre aside to approach little things like It’s A Terrible Life in, but it’s actually key to nail in. Also, I don’t know how many of you have watched Agents of Shield, but this may help people: When uploaded to the Framework from Aiva’s system rather than an independent one, people completely had their memories messed up. This all actually applies a similar idea. And yet really, think of this as uploading to different worlds. When the Immortal Human Soul, which is timeless, is Uploaded to Earth, they also don’t know anything about their Immortal Past. Now, put a Thought Box inside a Thought Box. Be that Dean thinking he really did own a bar, or Sam thinking he’s a phone center operator, the uploaded individual to the Thought Box does not necessarily retain all they should know, even if things eat at them as right or wrong in the scale of it all until they unlock their true nature.

It’s A Terrible Life is not too different: from MichaelDean’s headbar, from Castiel’s zoned out reality with Lucifer, or whatever else. It is an alternate created space the souls have been packed into, resetting what they know despite what they Know. It too is a venture--if less immediately visibly philosophical--about the (re)discovery of the self. 

Now, in It’s A Terrible Life, respectively Zachariah was God (despite actually working on behalf of god Outside of the Terrible Life Thought Box). He designed the entire system and story and rules and regulations for them to play in, a thought box, and one he could directly intervene in, unlike in The End. Power flowed back to Zachariah in this box.

ADLER stands up and presses two fingers to DEAN's forehead. Everything goes from saturated color to dim. DEAN looks around at the office and himself.

DEAN What the hell? Why am I wearing a tie? My God, am I hungry.

And he directly influenced how their bodies reacted, such as the fact that Dean somehow felt fine eating rabbit food rofl.

DEAN Gross. No thank you. So, what? I'm just hallucinating all this? Is that it?

ZACHARIAH Not at all. Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories.

One might argue this infers that it is a real place *on this earth*, on which neither side actually has receipts as much as “conclusion majority jumps to.” -- In the very least, Zachariah directly impacted the body-cage and its memories and function. But also for Sam and Dean to have been enrolled there, he would have had to do it to an infinite chain of people in their path that wouldn’t notice the new chief of marketing and everybody on the floor knowing Sam and all the weird influences in those people’s lives too. Which again is why I point up to how CENTRAL this Thought Box idea actually is to Supernatural, and how very much Zachariah’s “real place” is just as likely, with all other functions we’ve seen, just like any other Real Place that the characters call Not Real. It isn’t real to Them. Because it’s not their lives and their stories. It doesn’t have their people.  

It’s somewhere in an infinite ocean of thought boxes, possibly one created by Zachariah himself since he is literally positioned as a CEO there. Which is... honestly, if you get past the mental hiccup of thinking outside the (thought) box, a far easier resolution to this entire scenario than Zachariah butterfly effecting half the planet just to troll Sam and Dean. And even if he DID do that, there Is the reminder of wavelengths of celestial intent, and how easily Chuck reset the planet’s state of knowing, but Zachariah as a general angel (kerubim by his description of himself) and not God Himself would have limits in that authority, so making a divergent box makes far more sense.

This was when use of Matrix and Baudrillard and whatever else was fairly young in the show, though, so while I can’t swear that was 100% the intent when it was *made* (and again, unlike The End, we have no creative commentary on this that I’ve found), as Dark Side of the Moon came a season later and evoked it, Carver deployed it a few times, and now Dabb Era quite centrally hovers around it, in the very least modern canon and all its evolutions would easily lead to this result.

[nerdygaymormon]

I think I might be polysexual. I am really confused and struggling, and I don’t feel comfortable “coming out” enough to find resources. I don’t intend to date anyone I can’t get sealed to, and I want to be obedient. How much can I embrace this part of me? Can I get a flag or wear the colors? Can I be active in or apart of the LGBT community? Is researching possible sexualities etc. putting too much power in my temptations? What, if anything, do I need to share with a bishop or mission pres.?

You’re doing just fine. It’s normal to have questions. Being queer makes church things complex for us that are simple for non-queer members.

________    

You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. There may come a time when you feel ready to come out and that also is good. it is your choice. The mormonandgay website says “Sharing those feelings with a trusted confidant can be liberating and healing.“ In other words, it’s okay with the Church if you come out and it may be a positive experience, but not required.

________    

As a polysexual you have some flexibility in dating, and if you only choose to date people with whom you can be sealed, that’s a perfectly fine choice. You are not required to do more than you’re comfortable doing. When you get older, if you decide you would like to explore dating a wider range of people, that is your choice and you should feel no pressure to do that or to not do that.

________    

As far as embracing this part of you, it’s up to you. The mormonandgay website says it’s fine to adopt a sexual orientation label to describe yourself (like polysexual). You can also get a flag and wear the colors.

You also can be active in the LGBT community and be a Church member in good standing. 39% of LGBT youth are active in a religion.

Perhaps your school has a GSA club you could participate in. There may be an LGBTQ resource center where you could volunteer.

You can go to a Pride celebration (you may be more comfortable going to a Pride parade in a smaller city as those tend to be less wild).

On meetup.com you can find all sorts of LGBTQ groups, many of which are simply an opportunity to socialize, such as to go to a movie or an art fest together, or go get brunch once a month.

If you don’t embrace this as a part of yourself, you’ll always be at war with yourself. Part of embracing this is recognizing it is not a choice you made. This isn’t a punishment. This doesn’t mean you’re defective or that there’s something wrong with you.

These feelings & attractions aren’t going away but are part of how you experience the world. This will affect the way you love, who you find attractive, how you socialize, and so on, it is interwoven into all the major aspects of your life. Learn to love yourself, be kind to yourself.

My orientation brought me nothing but trouble and sadness until I accepted that I’m gay and this is how God made me and I don’t have the power to change it. God must want me this way. Since then, being gay has gone from being a curse in my life to also being a source of blessings & happiness.

________    

Researching sexualities and other aspects of queer identities is very possible. One safe way to do this is do an internet search for ���polysexual resources” or “lgbtq resources”. Then choose to only click on links to safe spaces, such as a university, or lgbt-friendly spaces such as PFLAG, or a state LGBT center.

This link is to the Family Acceptance Project’s pamphlet for LDS families and it is excellent, although I’m not sure polysexual is specifically included, but the general principles still apply to you.

Listen Learn & Love is a website by Richard Ostler. He’s a former bishop who has made loving LGBT Mormons his ministry. He does a podcast (I’m on episode #151), has many resources available. It’s a safe space to learn about other people’s experiences & journeys.  http://www.listenlearnandlove.org/papa-ostler-fb-posts

________     

My biggest piece of advice is get some LGBTQIA+ friends, even better if they’re also LDS because they’ll get you in a way no one else does.

You can do a search on Tumblr for #queerstake and read posts and see if anyone looks like a person you might message. Twitter has an active core of queer members that centers on the Church schools in Provo & Rexburg. Look for my friend CalvinJBurke and see who reacts to his tweets, that’ll be a good starting place.

Affirmation is the oldest organization for LDS/post-LDS LGBTQ+ individuals. They have multiple Facebook pages for different situations. I’m in the Affirmation Prepare group which is for active LDS LGBT people. They also have a group for teens and a group for bi,pan,queer+ (this includes poly). Look through their list of groups and you may find several to check out. You can easily leave the groups if they don’t work for you.

________    

As for putting power into your temptations, I would take that to mean things that make it easy to cross the line. I think that includes being alone for an extended period with someone who might accept your romantic advances. I don’t think being in public places, being with a group, looking at resources at reputable websites is going to cause a problem.

________    

As for a bishop or mission president, you don’t have to tell them that you’re poly, or queer or anything like that. They will ask about your worthiness, this means your actions. If you aren’t having sex with anyone, then there’s nothing to confess.

When the time comes to apply for a mission, if you think living with and having a deep relationship with someone of the same gender will be too much for you, you can always request a service mission. There are many interesting opportunities opening up beyond a proselyting mission. How to bring that up to the stake president is up to you, but he’s the only one who needs to know your preference before he submits your mission application.

You have to decide if you trust your bishop or mission president enough to tell them. It can be hard to tell. When any LGBTQ topic comes up, how do they react, what do they say? Trust your gut, it’s usually a good guide to this sort of thing.     

________  

As I said at the beginning, church & faith becomes a lot more complex if you are queer.

If you hear things at church that don’t sit right with you, don’t ignore them. Think about how they fit with these questions:

Does that sound like me, do I resemble that remark? (especially if they’re talking about queer people)

Does this sound like the God that I know?

Does this fit with the two great commandments to love God, love ourselves and love each other?

If what’s being said fails those questions, you can dismiss it.

When you hear negative messages at church (or anywhere else), push back against them, even if it’s just in your thoughts. Come up with a positive sentence to replace each negative one.

You also can politely ask someone what their source is or where they heard that, it’s a way to ask people to not spout off their opinions as fact or gospel.

________   

You got this!

It’s okay to mess up and be awkward and all those things, it’s part of learning and going forward. Don’t be harsh on yourself. Everybody does things that make them cringe when they think back on them, but hardly anyone else remembers those, they’re too busy remembering their own cringe moments.

There are some people who will think your orientation is a problem or a sin,They’re right, it’s THEIR problem.

Developing your talents, taking care of yourself, becoming the best version of you is a gift, both to yourself and to others. A healthy, happy, and whole you is good for you and has a lot more capacity to contribute to others.

Lots of love to you!

[sondheim-sex-den]

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child has thrown me into the deep end. On pretty much every possible level. And I’ve got a lot of opinions!

Disclaimer: I’ve somehow avoided spoilers of all kinds for 2 years until finally snagging tickets the show in NYC. And the following is spoiler-laden, so beware.

For some reason, this play (and rewatching CALL ME BY YOUR NAME last night, I’ll admit) has dredged up a feeling that I don’t know if I even have the ability to name, but let’s just call it a stark emptiness? I’m feeling more lost than ever for a number of reasons and being in this reflective, nostalgic (does “nostalgia” have to have a totally positive connotation? It doesn’t exactly have a positive connotation here) place, my younger Potter-obsessed self is confronting my current skeptical-critical-self and asking: what happened? How are you still this lost and lonely? How have you managed to spin your proverbial tires in the mud for this long? There are still tires to spin?

The feeling that this play exudes is warmth and nostalgia...and it’s totally done a number on me in that regard. I can so clearly see 10 year old me waiting in line at midnight for a new adventure with Harry & co and then devouring it in the next few days. This is the first taste of that in a while - and while the story itself isn’t exactly up to par - the experience of this play has taken me right back.

That feeling of being a part of something, being the outsider who makes all the difference, becoming familiar with a place and group of people. It’s the warmest, fondest memory that only the films have ever come close to touching, and along comes this play.

Reading the novels growing up, I, like everyone, identified with attributes of any number of characters. But there was never one that totally clicked with where I was in my Growing Up Journey (this is a lot to ask, I KNOW). I was on the outside looking in like Harry at times, frustrated with friends’ lack of commitment or knowledge right alongside Hermione, but observing it all with a humorous slant at all times like Ron. But there’s something just one layer deeper that was left untouched in me. The female characters eventually pine for the boys, male characters eventually play Quidditch to impress the girls; love potions, charms and elixirs abound. And this was about the time in my life when my muggle world was beginning to reflect that - but I was more lost at sea and clueless than I ever could’ve imagined.

I’ve come such a long way in those 15 or so years - owning my sexuality and identity (to an extent). I, like so many, still struggle with feeling whole, feeling seen, feeling like I’m on the right path or any path at all.

Harry Potter’s fantastical elements spun with the specificity of character and warmth is what has drawn billions of people in for over twenty years now, but I think this play is causing me to confront the fact that I wasn’t ever really a part of the universe. Of course, all readers are on the outside looking in, but let’s be real: it’s way easier for a straight girl to be a “total Ginny” and a nerdy boy to be a “Neville,” than it is for a little queer boy like I was to do the overtime work and wire-crossing in order to resolve to be a bit of “a Padma” with a spramp of “Dean Thomas” crossed with a “Molly/Tonks” combo.

And along comes this play. These two boys, Scorpius and Albus, the sons of our original protagonist and antagonist, forging a friendship 20 years later. And they’re gay. They just are. They are flat out queer and seek refuge in each other and there’s no question about it. I can’t speak for how it reads on the page, but in its staging, CURSED CHILD has the ache, the rage and the longing stitched into the fabric of the show. Yes, this applies to the parent’s relationships with the kids, but we’re focusing on the queers at hand here.

These boys have been dropped into the Potter-sphere and whoever dreamed them up cannot turn back now. Whether or not they intended this (how could they not have?) sensed a need for a whole other type of outsider to be spoken for in this universe. In Scorpius, in particular, we have a boy who cannot contain his outbursts and refuses to hide what brings him joy: books and Albus. There’s no denying this, it’s plain as day onstage. The sequence in which Scorpius is being kept away from Albus, of Harry’s volition, the torture that this causes him seeped into my pores and twisted my stomach into a knot that drove me to sit down and write now. 

We’ve followed them from their first meeting, through the development of their friendship - spurred by Albus’ choice to befriend Scorpius and Scorpius alone. They’re a duo, rather than his father’s trio, already avoiding history from repeating itself. With the introduction of “Delphi Diggory,” we fill the void that’s being created by the tension between the two boys. Slow them down a bit and give them a mission, give Albus a bit of a love interest - infuriating Scorpius. Delphi [spoiler] then eventually leads them to their probable demise, which scraps any kind of romantic promise between Albus and Delphi, allowing Albus to refocus on Scorpius.

Scorpius’ major arc across the two plays is risking everything for Albus - something we’ve seen over the course of the other Potter novels, but in much different terms. The friendship between Ron and Harry, for instance is given the weight of a close male bond that never broaches anything more. The addition of Hermione completes the set and diffuses any weirdness there. But the intentional decision to leave Scorpius and Albus as a pair to begin with is already suspect. They crave each other’s company in a way that we’ve never seen explored in a male friendship here. When it seems that Albus might be lost to time forever, this is the moment we see Scorpius really kick into high gear and makes it clear that he’s willing to risk his own life and suffer through the worst version of the world imaginable to get his “friend” back. The extended hugs and awkward discussion of them afterwards, the love in their eyes and motives as instructed by the stage directions - it ALL adds up to lead to an infatuation and interest that lies beyond the male bonds that we’re used to in Rowling’s writing.

And then along comes the end of the second play. Our hands are swatted away. Our instincts are laughed at. The rug is pulled out from under our feet and this carefully, tenderly crafter courtship of sorts evaporates with the introduction of ~hetero infatuation~. Not to say that these boys couldn’t fall on the spectrum of sexuality and, in turn, be exploring that - but the aggravating part of this situation is that the women presented to these boys as the objects of their affection are just that: presented. Props. Devices. I don’t believe they’re brought along maliciously, but their presence is an insult to the queer audience at large’s intelligence and the Potter World women’s agency. The laziness in the writing of these sudden bursts of need for female attention - when as far as we’ve known, all they’ve ever needed was each other - leads me to believe that the suspect relationship between the boys is something the writers became aware of or were made aware of and then proceeded to hastily erase after roughly 4.5 hours of play.

Obviously, this has eaten away at me and really done a number on my perception of Rowling’s world and intentions. But the thing that would cause me even more pain and distress, is the thought of some little queer seeing or reading CURSED CHILD and seeing themselves in one of these boys in a way that the original series never gave them the opportunity to - only to have their hopes and instincts squandered by an all-powerful voice declaring otherwise. 

Let these boys be queer. Let them have a moment of intimacy without commentary. Let them have the love story that other characters have had bestowed upon them. Don’t dangle this in front of a hungry audience and tell them they’re reading this wrong - we’re told that more than enough in our lives. I can’t imagine the strides, no matter the size or form, I would’ve made in my life with a character to emulate and identify with and get angry with and look up to and grow up with in that way. 

I don’t see giving a queer child agency as “sexualizing” them or “putting something on them.” When a character has these inclinations and the material is just brimming with opportunities to explore those - WHY NOT. It baffles me that we’ve been strung along for years on end with character backstory reveals - with minimal contextual details to back them up - in the Harry Potter world. And here we have a perfect opportunity to get ahead of the hypothesizing and preparing to explain later - do it NOW. Engage an eager audience before they’re disinterested and frustrated. We’re starving for these characters, especially in this world which could so easily lend itself to queerness but has never done the real work. It’s more than warranted to give the queer audience a taste of what it’s like to be seen in a beloved story that has taken on such an enormous life that we all feel ownership over a piece of it. That alone warrants the authorization of queer narratives. We’re right here and tired of being pushed away and teased.

#harry potter and the cursed child #harry potter #cursed child #albus potter #scorpius malfoy #scorbus #queer #gay harry potter #lgbt harry potter #queer harry potter #jk rowling #broadway #west end #opinions #spoilers

[jjasprtfjyghkj-blog]

what’s up y’all !! i’m nev and i like stephen king and horror and my cat and that’s literally all there is to me ✌️👏🗣 i’m so mcfUCKING HYPE to be here wOW anyway under the cut you’ll find some general info on my lil monster boi jasper and if u click HERE you can find his stats and some more detailed stuff abt him !!

✰ ·° ˑ ✕ ( troye sivan, cismale, he/him ) i think i saw JASPER PELLETIER back in newport beach. you know, the TWENTY year old who looks just like TROYE SIVAN. i heard they’re an upcoming JUNIOR at the SCHOOL OF THE ART INSTITUTE OF CHICAGO (SAIC) now, but that may have changed. known notoriously for being -PRETENTIOUS and -SARCASTIC, but yet they’re +ENTERPRISING and +QUICK-WITTED, but i’ve never personally knew them. i can tell you that INVINCIBLE by OK Go really reminds me of them. (nev, cst, she/her)

so jasper was born and raised here in newport beach. his dad is a hotshot psychologist with a private practice and his mom is a published poet who teaches poetry classes and workshops locally. despite their success, his parents are both rly grounded, good people who always made time for their kids. they never spoiled jasper and his sister with material things, instead it was spoiling them with travel and culture and learning, etc. stanley (his dad) is also deeply interested in philosphy, so he’s passed that love onto jasper

jas came out as gay when he was 14, a freshman in high school. he’d always ~known but was scared as HELL to come out. because of his more feminine features and what other kids called his “tells,” he was essentially forced out of the closet before he was ready. it was tough as hell for him, but thankfully when he came out to his parents and his sister they were beyond accepting and made that experience a little easier than it would otherwise have been. especially with two years of college under his belt now, he’s extremely open about and proud of his sexuality

this boy smokes so 👏much 👏weed 👏like he generally has a joint or two on him tucked away between his cigarettes. he is also, however, big-time against hard drugs (coke, heroin, meth, etc). he’s done coke a couple times, but like in general he won’t touch that shit !! and he’ll probably purse his lips at u if u do it in front of him, but unless ur like rly good friends he prob won’t actually say anything bc he tries not to be ~preachy. if ur good friends tho boy watch out he’ll randomly get pissed off abt it and start a fight eryfjyethyrgaudhsja

he had a bf in high school that he was like heart eyes over but stuff went down and in the end they sort of mutually broke up after a huge explosive fight right before his bf went off to college. it’s mostly jasper’s fault and he knows that and it’s lowkey his biggest regret. his second bf was his freshman year at saic and that ended even worse bc he ended up being a crazy asshole, so after that jas was like ok fuck! this! and decided he wasn’t doing boyfriends anymore for a while and he’s still in that mindset except deep down he’s craving that intimacy 

he wild !! seriously he has so much excess energy and acts like a child most of the time. he will throw skittles at people’s heads for the vine

he’s like super into philosophy bc of his dad, and he’s intelligent so the concepts come to him quickly and easily, but he’s completely unable to apply those concepts to his real life he’s literally too childish. he also has a lot of random knowledge, catch him rhapsodizing about medieval juridical systems and the origins of whaling in america

he’s an artist at heart, he’ll almost always start doodling on napkins and receipts etc no matter where he is or what he’s doing. he’ll usually have paint stains on his hands and arms and sometimes legs

aesthetics include wearing dirty converse and shirts that are way too big on him, ripped jeans rolled up at the ends, tall socks, scrapes and bruises on his elbows and knees, white wine, headphones around his neck, a tattered book in his hand, sunglasses indoors, loudly popping bubble gum, snarky retorts to questions not directed at him, jumping fences for a midnight swim in a closed pool, cigarettes and joints, sunsets, eating fruit on the beach, acting tough even tho he’s literally tiny

you get the idea

also for reference he’s blond. he just recently dyed it tho so it would be a new thing for everyone back home !!

so yH he is pretentious and sarcastic as fuck and pretends not to care when he acts childish and ends up offending ppl except UH OH deep down he feels bad n is just trying to figure out how to navigate growing up n entering the adult world u dig ??

that’s all i have for u here again feel free to check out his stats page for more info but like HIT! ME! UP! bitches i am a SLUT for angst give me the most dramatic plots possible i want it all !!

CONNECTION IDEAS:

girl gang ! jas needs his ladies to gossip and watch rom coms and cry abt cute boys with

hookups ! i want toxic on and off hookups, i want the hookup that happened last time they were both in town and now it’s awkward, unrequited feelings (either way), the “we hated each other in high school” hookup. all the angsty hookups

someone who jasper rly wants to sleep with/they rly wna sleep with jasper but it hasn’t happened for whatever reason

i rly want a plot where like jas and this person hated each other in high school but now they’re like.....best friends rygfskyeguhes

also vice versa. they were super close growing up and bc of a fight or whatever they’re like E N E M I E S now

someone who jasper was friends with like WAY back in the day when they were kids in elementary school maybe they were neighbors idk but they were like bffs back then and drifted apart in hs and now they like....don’t rly talk and it’s kind of awkward bc they used to be so close but just went in different directions

art buddy ! someone else who will whip out their grungy clothes and spread out newspapers all over the floor and paint the day away with him

would love for him to have his queer bff ?? preferably a lesbian ?!

he’s rly good at breaking people out of their shells so anyone who’s like more of an ~innocent and needs someone to expose them to partying n being wild.......hit him uP

he has an older sister but like i live for sibling-like friendships so get @ me with that. someone he’s rly protective over OR someone who’s rly protective over him (platonically)

also platonic touchy-feely friendships where they’re always cuddling n giving each other kisses but it’s like strictly as friends they’re just ~close 

#take this shoddily slapped together intro !! #AND COME PLOT W ME FOOLS !! #throws flowers #im at work but....ill be around to chat and also ill be home by the time we oPEN

[queencitydispatch]

Twelve Days in America - Part 1

(Photo credit: jacob_cherry via djlisafrank; original post here)

I can’t easily summarize everything I saw, did and experienced over the past bit in the United States. Any attempt won’t do my memories the justice they deserve, but I want to commit a few thoughts to posterity while they’re fresh in my mind.

On August 15, I flew to Philadelphia with my pal Aeryn to meet our friend Ethan and drive all together to the Honcho Summer Campout - an underground queer techno gathering located on a private campground in Artemas, Pennsylvania. I had been to Honcho’s regular event in Pittsburgh last August and was impressed by what they had created: a dance floor space where, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I could finally be my true self again. Based on that experience, and though I had never slept in a tent before, I knew I needed to make it out to the Campout this summer.

I have suffered from crippling self-doubt for a very long time. This has manifested itself in different ways, with a particular impact on my body image, though also on my career prospects, social relations, approaches towards sex and general mental state. The feeling of liberation at Honcho in Pittsburgh was something I hoped I’d find again, primarily as a balm to soothe the aches of what has so far been a challenging and frustrating year.

I was not expecting to be gently pulled apart, rearranged and healed over four days of immersion in (virtually) unadulterated queerness, faggotry, community and love. From the second we arrived on the grounds, I felt like we were in actual heaven; our first taste of it was driving down a muddy path to our campsite against a stream of hundreds of beautiful queers in revealing swimsuits (or less) walking toward a riverside swimming hole to cool off from stagnant summer air. Despite a weekend of rain and mud, things would only improve to levels of nearly unimaginable satisfaction.

(Photo credit: Ethan Fontneau via _troxum_ original post here)

Lots happened over the four days at the campground, much too much to write here. Every single moment had worth. Every single moment built upon the last one. The people I met inspired me to do more with myself, but more importantly, the folks at Honcho helped me realize a concept of self-love that I had never before known possible.

There are a few salient memories I will share here:

On the first day, I ran into someone I have known for a while from whom I’ve often sought validation but never received it. This time, beyond exchanging pleasantries, I found absolutely no need to pursue his attention further.

[K], a handsome man I did not think would be attracted to me but proved otherwise, invited me to jump into a muddy patch in the swimming hole with him. Even though I ruined my new speedo, I’m glad I did.

Over dinner on the second day, I met [Jo], who remarked that “…in America, people find an excuse to say no. In Spain, people find an excuse to say yes.”

I met [A] through a happy case of mistaken identity. We could not keep our hands off of each other. This absolutely beautiful man confessed to me that he had been afraid at first to approach me because he was convinced that “a guy like you would never be interested in a guy like me.” Later on, he told me to look around at the magic in the forest under the stars and drink it up, because none of it was fantasy - all of it was very real. As we fucked with passion in a tent, he looked into my eyes and said to me that “even though we just met, I am not afraid to tell you I love you, because my love is here to set you free, not bind you.”

I’m not entirely sure how I first crossed paths with [C], but we had an instant connection. We loved each other deeply for a few special hours. I can’t forget looking into the eyes of this beautiful gentle giant and thinking that I am not merely capable of love, but also that I’m worthy of love too, and how rare and special it is to meet someone that makes silence perfectly comfortable and familiar.

I asked [Ja], this charming Southern muscle daddy type if I could bum a cigarette from him outside one of the dancefloor venues. He didn’t have any, but with a mischievous grin, he said “let’s go find you one.” Before I knew it, we were fucking like animals in a clearing. I couldn’t help but think to myself that this was what I had been born to do: pursue what I wanted instead of merely accepting what came to me passively.

[E] was a fleeting encounter on the dance floor. This beautiful man with a smile from ear to ear came up to me to say “I hope I can get my hands on you later; I’ve had my eyes on you all weekend.”

[B] joined me as I sat on a bench overlooking the river in the morning rays. He remarked that he liked my hex tattoos and pulled his phone out to take a picture of them. As he looked at the image he had just captured, he nodded quietly in approval of his own work: “…ha,” he said, “…that’s hot.” It was one of the most empowering things I’d ever heard.

(Photo credit: bryantherye; original post here)

[D] is a DJ I met from DC. On the last night, I mentioned I was also a DJ, though not at any comparable level to him or anyone playing at the Campout. Despite this, he wanted to stay up late talking about our favourite disco artists, with each new offering from one eliciting squeals of approval from the other. I realized eventually that [D]’s approval of my choices were genuine. He legitimately liked my taste and said we should stay in touch to collaborate in the future.

At sunrise on the Monday, I was seated in a gentle, chill-out cuddle puddle that had slowly become more carnal. As time went on, I found myself mounting [K] and gently fucking him as a small group watched, including his beautiful boyfriend. As I reached climax, it dawned on me that I was entirely sober. My behaviour had not been influenced by intoxicating substances; my desire and my drive were innate to me. I had identified what I wanted, and with respect for the needs and wants of others, I took it.

As Monday’s sunrise developed into full-on morning, I walked home to my own tent to make a pitiful attempt at sleep before we had to pack up. On the path back, me with my overalls carelessly undone and slung perilously on my hips, I crossed paths with another man who had obviously just engaged in an act of sexual pleasure. With knowing smiles, we looked at each other in the eyes and happily exchanged a friendly “good morning.” 

On the drive back to Philadelphia, I reflected on the quality of the crewmembers that had assembled quasi-spontaneously around this trip: Ethan, Aeryn and our new friend Christopher, whom we met at camp. We all had plenty to offer each other - laughs, snacks, spare hands, tales, costume accoutrements, shoulders to cry on when needed - but most importantly, we were all there for each other no matter what. No shame, no jealousy, no expectations on anyone else’s time…simply a bond of friendship and unity founded in a genuine desire for us to all thrive. In a lot of ways, it was a taste of queer brotherhood that I have sought after for years.

I still have a lot to process, including how I apply this newfound empowerment and self-love into my everyday life here in Toronto. I’m not entirely sure how that will happen, but based on the way I’ve felt over the past days, I know I am largely equipped to make my dreams come true.

Forgiveness is hard, especially when you’re trying to forgive yourself. The first photo in this post does not do justice to what I felt when I saw it on a crowded dancefloor under the gentle haze of happy intoxication. I was forgiven for all the times I’d descended into self-hatred, all the times I believed what my mother had told me, all the times I’d been set up to fail by my ex-boss, all the times an ex-lover had made me out to be a horrible person.  To know that I was finally home, with my people - that I had a people - has made me rethink my place in the world. These precious days have given me hope in a bright future for myself…a much brighter future than I ever thought I deserved.

[freedom-of-fanfic]

I have been reading and reblogging some of your posts and wanted to thank you for that detailed account. I have been out of fandom for a while, and antis really baffled me at first. But now I have a question: Could you talk some more about how current antis relate back to the LJ social justice scene and when the morph from debating fanworks to dissing people happened? Thank you!

I’m glad you’ve been enjoying this blog!

I think this reddit post does a nice job of summarizing the history of fandom and how it’s led to our current point. But I’m going to go more into how tumblr’s very structure led to a ‘race to the bottom’ sort of enacting of punishment via social justice.

Almost all of this is from personal observation, having been here since late 2010.

To get more into the actual history of it: Racefail ‘09 is the name given to the big, public 2009 debates about racism in genre fiction (published fantasy and sci-fi), which happened primarily on livejournal and private websites. (Racefail was itself the result of the rising awareness of social justice in the real world thanks to the democratization of information via the internet.) Racefail raised a couple of big questions: were non-white (and non-straight/non-cis/non-male) creators being silenced and erased in published genre fiction? And were the stories being told primarily racist/sexist/homophobic and lacking in representation for non-white/Western cultures (and LGBT+/queer/female stories)?

From everything I’ve read I feel like a lot of good came out of these talks; in particular, it greatly raised the awareness of social justice in genre fiction and fandom spaces - which had been there before, but not quite so prominent.  But one major bad came out of it: it revealed, via the shitty behavior of one member of the genre fiction community, how social justice could easily be used as a silencing tactic by applying arguments meant to dismantle power structures to individuals who may (or may not!) benefit from those power structures.

Fast-forward to 2010-2012 tumblr. LJ has undergone multiple journal purges and partial restorations, been bought out by a Russian company, and - final straw - changed the way anonymous threaded posts were handled, ending its value as a space for anon memes like kinkmemes. Fandom dispersed. A not-insignificant number of us eventually end up on tumblr, and those of us coming from LJ have brought with us a greater awareness of social justice, particularly lgbt/queer culture and feminism.

At the same time, Facebook has opened its doors to everyone instead of only allowing college students to use it. Facebook has almost single-handedly popularized the notion of making your offline life publicly available online.  Gone are the days of keeping your age, real name, and offline identity hidden; we share everything except maybe last names and exact locations.

Tumblr democratizes the fandom experience like never before. Livejournal and forums had moderators; tumblr has none.  Communities are gone - instead we have tags where people gather to talk about shared interests. People who previously felt shut out, forced to be ‘lurkers’ because they had nothing to say, could now have a blog and share the work of others via reblogging. The main way to gain social capital is by having the most followers and therefore the most widespread content.

But tumblr is a weird experience compared to other blogging sites because at the time it was the only one with a ‘reblog’ function. any one post can go absolutely viral and the people who see it beyond your immediate circle will lack the context of the rest of your blog. This means that either every single post needs to be entirely self-contained … or get wildly misunderstood. (Guess which one happens.) It also means that that the posts that spread the fastest and furthest are the short, witty ones or - you guessed it - the controversial ones. Finally, people tend to not fact-check - if something is interesting and seems believable, people reblog it uncritically. Tumblr’s dashboard structure actively encourages people to not leave their dash to look at provided external links - you’ll lose your ‘place’ on your endless-scrolling dash, and the little ‘home’ button in the corner is reminding you how many new posts have been created since you last refreshed. You don’t have time to fact-check.

Controversy without context is polarizing - without the original context, people provide their own context and agree or disagree based on a bunch of assumptions. Tumblr is a breeding ground for this. Opinions don’t get more nuanced - they get more vitriolic, more sharp and quick-witted.  And with people not bothering to fact-check or click linked information, misinformation spreads like wildfire.

The early experience of fandom on tumblr is one of widespread acceptance. Possibly because FB does this, people feel safe to share their age, sexuality, and gender on their tumblr profiles - and those identities get more and more specific as people learn more about gender identities and sexual orientations that are off the gender binary. People spread educational posts about queer/LGBT+ culture, feminist theory, and racism alongside fandom posts.  The importance of minority representation in the media is a hot topic and posts that criticize media for their lack of (or bad) representation get thousands of notes. Social justice theory - fighting the appropriation of colonized cultures by imperialists, promoting the voices of the oppressed over those of the privileged, the right to be angry because of the oppression and trauma you’ve experienced, not tone-policing people who have been hurt, and not erasing the experiences of others - are widely discussed.

A lot of good came out of this, too, but I believe a natural backlash resulted. Earnestly working to promote the voices of the least privileged and trying to avoid silencing or erasure, what started as an effort to even out the social strata gradually became a kind of reversed social strata. People who were oppressed on any axis could not be corrected by anybody of lesser oppression - it was considered to be silencing. People could not say their feelings had been hurt by a marginalized person’s word choice - that was tone policing. 

And this led to a secondary, and probably lesser conclusion: people who identified as ‘privileged’ - that is, white, cis, straight, mentally well, able-bodied, (and male) - felt guilty for all the privilege they had. and the promotion of marginalized voices over their own - the tendency to tell people, regardless of the validity of their points, that if they were privileged their voice did not matter - to escape their privilege, at least on tumblr.

I think we hit Peak Tumblr in 2012-2013-ish. Non-human and nonbinary identities proliferated. Asexuality awareness exploded, as did other lesser-known sexualities and paraphilias.  People wondered what it meant to be trans in a world with no gender binary. People self-diagnosed severe mental illnesses.  And this unto itself wasn’t a bad thing!   Probably many people learned a lot about themselves from the openness and acceptance.

However: there’s no way to know how much of this was from people self-discovering and how much was from people who realized that unless they had some axis of oppression they could point to they could be silenced.  And people were extremely open about these identities as well: despite all of the talk about social awareness, interactions on tumblr suggested that most people still assumed that everyone else was white, cis, straight, able-bodied and mentally well (and therefore completely unaware of social issues and in need of education). And due to how tumblr’s reblogging system could separate posts entirely from the context of the original poster’s blog and personal details, this assumption happened a lot!

Whatever the actual numbers of people who were self-discovering versus self-deluding, this extreme acceptance got its own natural backlash. It wasn’t possible for everyone on tumblr to be oppressed, but everyone on tumblr seemed to be finding some way to be marginalized - they weren’t cis, they were ‘a demigirl’. They weren’t straight, they were ‘gray asexual’.  There had to be some way to distinguish the real marginalized people from the fakers.*

Enter gatekeeping - which seems reasonable enough at first, given the sheer number of people who are claiming to be part of the marginalized club. People start making fun of ‘transtrenders’ and ‘starselves’ and say ‘heteroromantic demisexuals’ are ‘just normal’. People call one another ‘cishet’ specifically to erase their gender identity/sexual orientation.

This environment makes tumblr ripe for radfems, who greatly benefit from people putting limits on what identities other people can have. And radfems feed the gatekeeping mentality, leading to more and more policing of one another on tumblr instead of acceptance.  Instead of trusting others to be honest about their gender identity, sexual orientation, race or mental health, people increasingly decide the identity and experiences of others based on whether or not they say and do the right things.  Conversely, if you say or do the wrong things you are ostracized and your identity is erased using the reverse social strata of tumblr: ’cishet’ becomes shorthand for ‘ignorant asshole’ - and ignorant assholes are not to be listened to.

One no longer has to identify wrongly to have the wrong identity to be worth listening to. One only has to do the wrong thing.

So how does this tie back to debating fanworks vs dissing people?  Well: tumblr isn’t just the home of social justice. It’s also the home of fandom, and these two spaces heavily overlap.

Like our genre fiction friend that I mentioned back at the beginning of this long-ass post, tumblr had already begun - with the best of intentions - to silence people for having the wrong level of marginalization.  And when radfems and gatekeepers entered the scene, one’s level of marginalization became a function of how you behaved.  Now you had to behave right to have the right to be listened to - and fanworks, far from being the exception, are the rule for determining if people behave ‘right’ in fandom spaces.

In other words: debating fanworks/fan opinions and dissing people have become the same thing.  If a fanwork is for the wrong pairing, that makes a person a bad person.  And bad people are only able to create bad fanworks.

This attitude is how you get things like ‘if you ship [x] you’re straight’ and ‘oh, you ship [x], your opinion on this unrelated social justice issue is invalid’ or ‘i’m not surprised to find that this person is [x]-phobic, they created problematic fanworks.’

And that’s where we’re at today.

Man this is much. I’m sorry for your eyes.

*And in case it isn’t obvious, I think policing sexual orientations and gender identities is nonsense - demigirls and gray-ace people count as much as everyone else.

#makamu-a-tumbling #gatekeeping #a history of tumblr