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spearxwind · 9 months

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been thinking a lot about my different oc worlds recently. ive said before ive got four, but technically it's five if you count extinction.

im gonna put all my thoughts under a readmore bc once again this got insanely long jkllkjjkf. i be rambling

most of my attention has definitely been going into challenger deep the past year (and will likely continue), recently i refurbished hollowridge as well and have had a lot of fun with it (even if i havent drawn much to show for it...)

the other two of the set of four i originally posted about are my agony drive and broken horizon settings. Broken horizon is more of a personal headworld where ive set my dragon ocs, but I have not really been successful with it in terms of like. worldbuilding and crafting a story for it, mostly because there are very few characters in it currently and i struggle with it. But it's the world where cercerion and my sona dima (as an oc) exist. i would love to actually do a better job with it sometime but it currently isnt a huge priority because ive been focused on the other two main ones (but again since its just a personal headworld it literally is just some place i like to mentally hang out and fly around in, im not super bothered by it being undeveloped.)

However we have the two troublemaker worlds now

the agony drive setting has been driving me more than a little nuts because of its whole situation with it. i absolutely adore the characters i have in it, but i have no idea what to do with the world itself. it used to be a joint project so i was extremely limited in the way i could develop it bc i depended on the other individual enjoying the ideas and i did my best to keep it afloat almost being the sole contributor to it, so now that its liberated i just didnt know what to do with it. i do like a bunch of the lore bits i came up with but some part of me is like 'idk if i enjoy this as a world' bc it still feels limited in some way? Another issue is that while hollowridge (previously my horror and slapstick gore setting with demons/angels/magic vibes) was dead in the water, i channeled that violence slapstick demon/magic vibe through TAD, but getting a focus back on hollowridge has kinda just. straight up deleted a bunch of TAD's reason to exist? i dont know if that makes sense

HR isnt really that much slapstick violence because death is final, and TAD is more cartoony in that sense bc death ISNT final which is its main reason to exist (unlimited violent major character death for the funnies), but theres a weird overlap that is keeping me from focusing correctly because it makes my brain go 'you are doing the same thing twice'

I would really really love to actually turn it into something fun and unique (separate from my other worlds) but i really havent been sure how to go about it because of that overlap. i genuinely think its just a problem of 'you have to actually develop the setting to have fun in it' and i just havent been able to do that yet bc i cant decide what i want it to BE. TAD has also never really had a lot of story to begin with so it makes things harder bc the story is the vehicle to explore the world with. its pretty frustrating bc midas set and david are some of my fav ocs ive made and i miss them but god dammit if it isnt hard to actually work with the whole thing....

and last but not least... the fifth one. extinction. a lot of you probably know this one from my comic. if youve been here since like... 2014-2015 (which would be insane) you might remember me beginning to develop that story until it eventually became the comic that is currently sitting unfinished and feels like a huge weight on my shoulders just out of sheer shame

the issue with extinction is that it was a lot of characters that i deeply loved (and still i still deeply love!!) all with fun plotlines, backstories, and a lot of fun tidbits to em that i ended up bending and breaking dozens of times just for the purpose of fitting them into a relatively short story that i could draw out and finish. and more importantly into something i hoped would be handleable instead of spiralling out of control like it had happened before

but what i didnt realize is that by doing so, i "locked" their lore in place into these very small boxes that would fit into a story, and thus i would remove what i had loved about those characters and their interactions that i had come up with years and years ago and a lot of my very very cool ideas for them simply went out the window in favor of .... well i dont. know. but off it went

i live in complete shame for not being able to finish the comic. it genuinely is a huge and extremely heavy weight on my shoulders and this whole thing has prevented me from even thinking of said ocs for years now even though they are some of my oldest and most beloved. saying all of this is not something i take lightly in the least as well

so recently I have been thinking about bringing them back as well... maybe (to the extent that i can... i have a lot of ocs and you guys know i have a lot of bias when drawing faves. so i cant guarantee content but at least i would be able to think about them again).

essentially the same way that i rewrote and got back my old concepts for hollowridge that slapped hard i want to get back my original ideas for extinction that i thought were really cool and just wasnt able to fit into a comic narrative

obviously this would come with a lot of retconning and i know a lot of people will probably not like it if i do it and i think thats something i have to face and learn to live with

but yeah anyways. TLDR is i really want to actually do something proper for TAD but have been having a lot of trouble with it unfortunately, but im working on it. and ive also been feeling rly nostalgic about extinction so you might see the characters again, albeit different in terms of story from what you probably know

#again please feel free to drop a like if you read all that and thank you very kindly if you did read it #thunderclap #long post #idk what to tag this as honestly #the agony drive #extinction #yeah since its these two that im mostly talking about. houhh #i know i have been having a lot of trouble answering DMs and such i rly wanna get to them sometime this week if possible #but honestly if you have anything youd like to discuss pertinent to this feel free to reach out #im going to try to do my best to respond. actually maybe ill do it right now #thank you again!! hope u have an awesome day

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theheartsmistakes · 3 years

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The Last Night Part XXIII

Parts I-XXII:

Here is Part I

Here is Part II

Here is Part III

Here is Part IV

Here is Part V

Here is Part VI

Here is Part VII

Here is Part VIII

Here is Part IX

Here is Part X

Here is Part XI

Here is Part XII

Part XIII

Part XIV

Part XV

Part XVI

Part XVII

Part XVIII

Part XIX

Part XX

Part XXI

Part XXII

XXIII.

Alastair watched his sister play with her dolls on the rug in the sitting room from the second to last step on the landing. A safe distance away from the fire, her small voice filled the room with color that it sorely lacked. Since their father’s return from wherever it was he had been for the past year, their furniture (what furniture they had) started to disappear.

Cordelia, being only eight hardly noticed. Not when her father’s attention became more of a pressing matter, but Alastair being ten years old and having been the one to mind the estate after their staff stopped showing up and Sona fell into another one her deep depressions, he began to notice.

And he could only suspect one person responsible.

After being satisfied that Cordelia was out of ear range, Alastair turned and jogged up the stairs two at a time. He noted the sconces on the walls were missing along with the bulbs except for one left unprotected and obnoxiously bright without a cover. The rug that ran along the hallway was gone as well leaving the floor bare so that every footstep and noise could be heard. Alastair took a deep breath through his nose and steadied himself.

He’d secretly hoped that his mother would be the one to address the issue, but she hardly seemed to notice the missing things, or if she did, she didn’t feel the need to mention it. The house grew colder and colder by the minute despite his father's enormous presence to fill it.

A part of him chastised himself for not being more elated about his father’s return. The rest of his family members seemed to be, but because of his illusive absence for the past year with no explanation about where he’d gone and the stink of alcohol lingering on his vest, something deep in Alastair’s chest froze towards his father.

Others may be warmed by his false promises and elaborate stories, but he knew the truth. Call it a gift of his, he could see past the pretense his father shoveled in front of everyone to hide his sins.

When he reached the oak door at the end of the hall, with a shaking fist, he knocked.

At first no sound came, so he knocked again; louder this time.

A shuffle could be heard inside. Glass shattering against the floor followed by a string of cursing.

“Who is it?”

“It’s me, father,” said Alastair. “I need to speak with you.”

“What’s this about?”

Alastair placed a hand on the handle. “May I come in?”

“Is this important?”

“It is,” said Alastair lifting his jaw.

“Very well,” said his father.

Alastair turned the knob and pushed his way inside. The bitter, sweet smell of freshly spilt whiskey hit him and burned his eyes. He resisted the urge to cover his nose with a handkerchief.

His father wobbled on his hands and knees attempting to clean up a spill with his pocket cloth, but moving as if he were on a very unsteady ship. Red rimmed eyes looked up at Alastair and a grin curved around his father’s face.

“What is it?” He slurred as he fell backwards against the wingback chair that happened to be the only piece of furniture in the room beside the beverage cart sitting beside the window. “Am I late for supper?”

“It’s nearly noon, father,” said Alastair. “I’m here because it appears that our household items have gone missing.”

“Missing?” Elias squinted up at his son.

“Yes.” Alastair rolled his eyes. “As in gone.”

“Like what?”

“My writing desk, Cordelia’s doll house,” said Alastair. “Mum’s good China, the Tehran crafted weapons, the silver, and where’s the furniture that used to be in this room?”

“Alastair—“

“If you’re pawning our household items to support your drinking then—“ It wasn’t a question of if, nor was it an accusation. Alastair knew the truth, he knew even if he didn’t want to believe it.

“Then what?” asked Elias. “Go on, boy, finish your sentence.”

“You’ll not take one more thing from this house,” said Alastair.

Elias scoffed and attempted to push himself up from the floor when his hand landed on a piece of glass. Elias hissed and fell backwards again onto the floor. “Bloody hell!” He held his hand up, dripping now with fresh blood. “Don’t just stand there. Get me something to stench this with.”

Alastair sighed and walked across the room to the beverage cart. A towel hung from the silver handle, stained with spilt alcohol, Alastair grabbed it and brought it over to his father.

“Where is your steele?” asked Elias as he ripped the towel from Alastair’s hand.

“I don’t have one with me,” said the boy.

“What kind of Shadowhunter doesn’t carry around his steele?”

“I’m nearly ten, father,” reminded Alastair. “I’m hardly a Shadowhunter yet. I can go find yours if you’d like.”

Elias took the towel away from his hand and examined the wound in his palm. “No, don’t trouble yourself. You’ve clearly more pressing matters to attend to. Have you spoken to your mother about these missing items?”

“I haven’t wanted to trouble her—“

“Only me?” asked Elias. “I suppose I deserve that.” He got slowly and unsteadily to his feet. When he stepped backwards a few steps, Alastair had to stop himself from reaching out towards him. He looked like a toddler learning to walk for the first time.

The question dangled on Alastair’s tongue as he watched his father pitch forward and back like an aged ship on angry seas: why did he insist on drinking? When did he become a drunk? Alastair, honestly, couldn’t remember. There’d been a time when sobriety found him for a few months and then he’d be back on the streets again. Alastair was seven years old the first time he picked him up from the porch steps when he passed out before he’d made it inside. The first time, he’d thought it kind of comical, by the third time that week, he found it frightening. And now, he wanted to ask his father why. Why weren’t they enough for him? What was his father chasing that could be found or forgotten at the bottom of a bottle?

Alastair feared he might never know.

_ _ _

The pocket watch ticked inside Alastair’s palm where he sat on the sofa in the drawing room waiting for Cordelia and Lucie to enter through the door. It was five past three; the time they were supposed to return. Questionably, James hadn’t returned either. Alastair knew he should have trusted his instincts over his sister’s word, but he’d allowed himself to feel marginally guilty about upsetting Cordelia.

How could she not understand he was simply trying to do what was best for her? She clearly wasn’t thinking straight— and to be honest she never had when it came to the Herondale boy. It would be over his dead body that he’d ever see James hand-in-hand with his sister.

No, not even then.

Alastair shoved his watch back into his pocket, stood from the chair retrieving his jacket from the arm, and marched towards the door.

“Oh,” said a voice behind him. “Are you leaving too?”

Alastair turned to find Thomas descending the stairs in his full fighting gear. His soft brown hair was combed back away from his face and curling slightly behind his ears. His scarred hands were adjusting the straps across his broad chest that just barely fit across him. Alastair swallowed and quickly averted his eyes to his shoes and then the front door.

With a strange pitch in his voice, Alastair said, “I hadn’t realized you were here.”

“I came with my parents to meet the Herondales,” said Thomas tucking in the extra bit of leather left at the end of his strap. “I thought Christopher, Matthew, and James would be here, but it appears I am at a loss. Miss communication.”

“James is with Matthew on patrol,” said Alastair. “At least that’s what I was told.”

Thomas looked off to the side. “Then I’m sure that’s the truth of it. Where are you headed?”

“I’m supposed to meet my sister at the other Lightwood’s estate,” said Alastair. “She’s running a bit behind so I figured I’d spare her the trouble and catch her there.”

“I’m on my way there as well,” said Thomas. “Would you mind if I joined you?”

Surprised, all words evaporated from Alastair’s mind. When he managed to find them again, a bright color had emerged in his cheeks. “Are you quite sure. I don’t mind finding my own way there.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Thomas reaching for the door knob. “We’re going in the same direction, not on an outing together, there’s no reason for us to take two separate carriages to the same destination.” Thomas opened the door and without waiting for Alastair to respond, he walked out onto the front steps.

Still slightly shocked, Alastair combed a hand through his hair, picked up his cane, and followed.

“What plans do you and Cordelia have today?” Thomas asked from atop the bench seat of his parent’s carriage.

Alastair, who’d chosen to remain quiet despite the kindness being extended to him, focused on the main road as he answered. “I’m not sure. She mentioned something about going to a park.” He was quite certain that was all that was going on between them. Perhaps his parents conjured him into being kind to the injured, isolated, and troubled Carstairs boy. Perhaps this was some sort of revenge and Thomas had alternative plans of dropping him into the Thames.

“It’s a lovely day for the park—“

“What are you doing?”

Thomas’s eyebrow jumped. “Excuse me?”

“This?” Alastair motioned between them. “This show of uncharacteristic kindness. I can tell it’s not genuine. Who put you up to this?”

Thomas sighed and straightened his shoulders. “I felt badly for the way I spoke to you the other day.”

Alastair had to fight to keep the shock from his face. “You felt bad? Thomas, you have nothing to feel badly about.”

“Perhaps,” said Thomas, “but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how unfair I was being towards you. Do not misunderstand me, this is not me granting you pardon for what you did, but rather an understanding.”

“Why?”

“Because when you created those lies about my father,” said Thomas, “I created lies for him, or what I thought were lies to help repair some of his reputation. My father, who is an upstanding citizen by most regards, and truly a wonderful father, and I was making up all kinds of lies to protect him even though I knew the rumors about him were lies— even though I believed him. I can’t imagine if the rumors were actually true.”

He didn’t have to say it. Alastair had long since learned to read between the lines of what someone was saying to him.

“I don’t need you to feel sorry for me,” said Alastair shortly.

“I don’t feel sorry for you,” said Thomas, never removing his eyes from the road, “and I don’t pity you. I’m merely saying that I understand. In a way, I understand.”

With the wind brushing against his face, Alastair felt a weight of sorts brush off of him.

“I am sorry for what I’ve done to your family and Matthew’s,” said Alastair. “I’ve been minding my father’s reputation since I was a boy.”

“Why did you do it?” asked Thomas. “I know why I fought for my father’s reputation, but yours was an actual alcoholic.”

Alastair bristled. “Alcoholic or not, he is still my father.”

“I’m sorry if I offended—“

“You didn’t offend,” said Alastair. “I suppose I fought so hard to protect him for so long that I simply forgot how to not to. I’d been able to keep up a pretense about my father that at the first sign of trouble, my instinct was to defend him, and the only way I knew how to do that was to put the spotlight onto someone else. If I’m being honest, it wasn’t him I was trying to protect.”

“Yourself?” asked Thomas, as he steered the horse down an empty brick paved street.

“Cordelia,” said Alastair. “I was trying to protect Cordelia. She grew up believing that our father was someone to be admired. She held him on the same pedestal that the Herondale children held their father. I made sure that she never knew about his… illness.”

“Does she know now?”

“She does,” said Alastair. “I couldn’t protect her forever.”

“No,” said Thomas, drawing the horse to a stop at the brick pathway leading to a white gated entrance to a garden. “I suppose you can’t.”

Alastair looked up at the beautiful ivy crested veranda and tried to remember what had caused him to go fetch Cordelia in such a hast. Surely, she was all right with Lucie and if she was in fact with James, perhaps it was high time that she started worrying about her own mistakes. And if she needed him, he would surely be there for her.

“Perhaps I’ll wait here,” said Alastair. “While you go fetch Christopher.”

From the ground now, Thomas looked up at Alastair as he tied the horse to a post. “Would you like me to get Cordelia for you?”

“No,” said Alastair, adjusting his coat. “I shouldn’t trouble her. She’ll return when—“

Before he could finish his sentence, a high pitched scream came from inside the house. Thomas and Alastair both looked in the direction of which it had come and then back at each other.

“Cordelia,” said Alastair as he swung himself down from the driver’s bench as Thomas drew a steele from the strap on his shoulder and whispered its name to it. It burst to light in his hand, accenting his face in a halo of light.

The two men stalked up to the open front door: Alastair at the front, with Thomas trailing closely behind him, both of them scanning their surroundings.

Upon entering the house, it didn’t appear that anything was out of place through the kitchen. There was no sign of a scuffle or demon activity. Even though he didn’t know him all that well, Alastair wouldn’t put it past the odd glasses wearing one to release a demon during one of his poorly executed experiments.

They inched through the kitchen into the short hallway that went through to the sitting room. Attached to the room was a staircase and from the second floor, they could hear an exchanging of voices.

Alastair broke for the stairs at a run with Thomas close behind him. He followed the direction the voices were coming from and turned to the left, stopping at a door that was partially opened. He was seconds from storming it, when Thomas grabbed him by the coat tail and wretched him back.

“Wait,” said Thomas and stepped in front of him, “listen.”

“I wouldn’t try it if I were you,” said a second voice laced with ill intention and centuries of old lies. “Not unless you want me to start breaking bones in their bodies starting with the smallest.”

Thomas grabbed Alastair’s arm and mouthed a name. “Belial.”

Suddenly, the door slammed in front of Alastair and he heard the faint sound of the lock.

“We don’t have much time. I have a very short window back into my realm and we’ll need to be going now. That is if you want your friends to live.”

“Lucie,” said a male voice that Alastair could not recognize. “Don’t go with him. I’m not meant to be here. I’m not meant to be alive.”

“How rude,” said Belial. “Do you have any idea how hard your mother and sister worked to bring you back to life. The least you could do is be more grateful.”

“If I go with you.” The voice was clearly Lucie’s and if Lucie was in there then so would Cordelia. “If I agree to do what you ask, you’ll promise to leave them alone?”

“You have my word,” said a second voice laced with ill intention and century old lies.

Thomas glanced at Alastair and pointed at the medieval spear hanging on the wall in the hallway. Alastair reached up and pulled it carefully from it’s hooks as Thomas took several steps back, picked his foot up, and kicked their way through the lock with his heel in a single, impressive stomp. As Thomas reached for Lucie, pulling her away from the mysterious figure in the center of the room, Alastair threw the spear with every ounce of his might.

He watched it spiral through the air, quick as an arrow, and then stop mere inches from Belial’s chest. A wicked grin curled around the handsome face, as the spear evaporated and then reappeared faster then Alastair could blink.

It was warm, that was the first thing he thought about. Warmth spreading across his back and his chest. His eyes searched the room for Cordelia, but he couldn’t find her face amongst the ones he could not recognize. Everyone stared at him, the pale haired girl Grace and a dark haired boy sitting beside her looked on at him terrified. His eyes drifted to his left where Thomas held Lucie tightly in his arms both gaped at him horrified. He tried to say something, but his lungs had stopped expanding. When he looked down at his chest, he could see where the warmth had come from. The end of the spear protruded from his chest.

“Alastair!” Thomas yelled.

“Go,” he said, as rust flavored saliva dripped from between his lips. “Go now.”

“Release the girl,” said Belial, with his arms crossed and a rather bored expression on his face, “and the boy lives.”

Thomas’s grip on Lucie faltered just slightly.

“Don’t,” said Alastair. “He’s lying.”

“Let me go, Thomas,” said Lucie. “Let me go. He won’t let him die, he won’t if it means he can have me.”

“Listen to the girl, Thomas,” said Belial. “Save your friend and sacrifice the other or lose both.”

Alastair could see the turmoil in Thomas’s gritted teeth and reddened face, still his hands were white knuckled around Lucie. He wouldn’t let her go. Not unless—

Lucie brought her head forward and swung it back against Thomas’s sternum. With a quick maneuver of her feet, she twisted under his grip and shoved him off balance into the wall.

“Let them go,” said Lucie, her hair loose from it’s braid now and falling around her face giving her the appearance of a mad woman. “Let him live and I’ll go with you.”

Belial grinned and with a slight nod of his head, he and Lucie blinked from the room like a flash of lightning. Alastair was released from the spear in the wall and fell crumpled to the ground on his knees. His hands went to his chest to feel for the wound, but while the blood and hole in his shirt were still there, the wound and weapon were not.

A/N: Hope I redeemed myself just a little bit. Next update comes out 12/20

#jordelia fanfiction #The Last Night #the last hours #chain of gold #james x cordelia #thomas x alastair #thomastair #j

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ashistrashhh · 3 years

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here are some fic recs!! including sakuatsu, bokuaka, kuroken and matsuhana bc i couldnt help myself

if you want, ask me about a certain ship and ill give you some recs!

-sakuatsu-

Marble and Sandstone by red_camellia

rating: G words: 12,937 chapters: 2/2

author summary: Miya Atsumu only cares about volleyball and nothing else. That is, until he develops a strange obsession with the marble statue of a young man that seems vaguely familiar in his university's arts department. One day that statue comes alive as the very real Sakusa Kiyoomi, and they are left with the mystery of why Sakusa Kiyoomi was turned into a statue and only came back to life when Atsumu touched him. Their new-found connection and the strange mystery turns Atsumu's life upside down, not least because of his growing feelings for Sakusa.

my notes: this was a rlly cute fic!!! 11/10 would read again!!

let it go (paint my body gold) by lunarism

rating: T words: 3,272 chapters: 1/1

author summary: It becomes a routine for them. Sometimes they go grocery shopping and make dinner together, other times they end up talking until Sakusa feels like his own shower and bed is calling him. Every single time Sakusa gets home, shrugs his coat off, balls it up, and proceeds to scream profusely into the fabric for a few minutes.

my notes: pining!!! sakusa!!! also casual painter!atsumu!!! and they paint together!!!

craft a miracle with these hands, lips, (silence) by chrysanthe (sonderesque)

rating: T words: 4,252 chapters: 1/1

author summary: ‘Someone is here to ruin your night,’ his door tells him. ‘You should let them in.’ “I’M HOMELESS OMI-OMI. HOMELESS,” yells the one here to ruin his night. “LET ME IN.”

(What does Kiyoomi sell his sanctuary for?)

my notes: hnnn rlly fuckin cute,, and domestic,,,,

Clipped To You by littleboat

rating: T words: 8,174 chapters: 1/1

author summary: It starts with Hinata Natsu, of all people.

Well, if Atsumu’s being honest with himself, it started way before that, but he’s not, so that’s besides the point. And thankfully, he’s just petty enough to blame all of his problems on a thirteen year old girl.

or Sakusa starts wearing hair clips and Atsumu is more than a little obsessed

my notes: minor kagehina, bokuaka // god these fics rlly make me simp for fictional characters even more than i should. but!! sakusa!!! in hairclips!!! and a pining atsumu!!!

learn how to lay me down in something other than danger, other than fury by rosevtea

words: 34,211 chapters: 1/1

author summary: All of the ways fellow college TA Miya Atsumu reinvents Kiyoomi's definition of normal.

my notes: god i loved this. it’s a fake dating au and like,, even though they’re “dating” sakusa keeps letting his guard down little by little around atsumu and it surprises everyone. komori and akaashi just know that they’re were genuinely pining for eachother

among probabilities and a thousand fates by aalphard

rating: T words: 15,675 chapters: 1/1

author summary: prompt fill for “in a world where the red string of fate exists, person a’s finger always twitches when person b, who can see the string, tugs on their string” | or sakusa thought he had a tic and atsumu liked to see his confused expression when it started to happen exclusively when he was around.

my notes: i! loved! it!! so basically atsumu and osamu have the rare gift of seeing the red string of fate, so they know its real but sakusa, like most other people dont believe it exists. so atsumu gives sakusa a (kinda) hard time. rlly cute!! i love soulmate aus!

-bokuaka-

love in the time of wifi by dalyeau

rating: G words: 4,177 chapters: 1/1

author summary: Akaashi is coming to terms with the fact that he might be romantically interested in his volleyball captain. Hence, doing what any sixteen year old with a problem should do. He asks about it online.

my notes: really cute fic about akaashi asking what he should do about his crush on a site similar to reddit. its kinda a “i didnt know it was you” kind of fic and it made me happy

steam by orphan_account

rating: E words: 8,474 chapters: 1/1

author summary:

bokuto: why is he so hot bokuto: why am i so gay kuroo: LMAO you mean your vice captain right bokuto: yeah

The coach blew the whistle for practice to begin, and Bokuto drummed his fingers against the bleachers, awaiting Kuroo’s reply. He was about to walk away, when his phone buzzed in his hand.kuroo: i got this bro bokuto: what bokuto: wtf does that mean

Bokuto started to panic.

my notes: explicit!!! but really wholesome. kuroo is honestly the best wingman. i also think this is my favourite bokuaka smutfic??

just to miss the sun by rosevtea

rating: T words: 15,126 chapters:1/1

author summary: Everything begins to implode when MSBY Jackals outside hitter Bokuto Koutarou crashes Akaashi's livestream.

my notes: akaashi is a booktuber and bokuto crashes one of his streams. fans begin to speculate. rlly fluffy and can u tell i like bokuaka

brain fish by iceblinks

rating: T words: 12,026 chapters: 6/6

author summary: Akaashi wakes up to a string of texts from an unknown number.

my notes: i love text fics and i love wrong number aus so u can tell how much i loved this. really fluffy and i come back to it time to time

-kuroken-

us three by honey_s

rating: T words: 5,137 chapters: 1/1

author summary: Kuroo’s gaze flits over to the utensil. His eyes bulge out of his skull. “Wh—is that a meat hammer? Put it back!” Akaashi’s head recoils back in confusion. “I don’t understand the problem here.” “Why on Earth have you got a fucking meat hammer? We aren’t going to kill somebody!” “Well,” Akaashi begins, clearly taken aback, “I apologise for assuming. I had heard Kenma-san had been hurt in school and after getting a message from both of you to meet late at night, I merely filled in the blanks and assumed we were going to beat someone up, for lack of a better term.” “Not literally! I meant metaphorically, or figuratively, or something!” “Idiomically?” “That isn’t a word, Bokuto-san.” “Jesus Christ,” Kuroo groans, dropping his head into his hands. “We're going to jail."

my notes: bokuaka and kuroo are ready to beat someone up for kenma!! and we stan!!

Cherry Pits and Cat Tattoos by strawberryriver

rating: G words: 6,141 chapters: 1/1

author summary:

Kuroo has been in communication with his soulmate ever since they were kids. They've known each other for so long that he never really worried about when or how he would meet them. At least, not until he meets the roommate of Bokuto's soulmate.Soulmate AU in which things written on your skin show up on your soulmate. Companion piece/same AU as Serendipty

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Kuroo Tetsurou liked to write on his arms. Despite his mother's half-serious warnings about “ink poisoning” or staining his skin, he insisted on marking his arms and legs wherever he could. Not like his best-friend-since-always Bokuto Koutaro, who had to write on his arms or he’d forget to breathe, but artfully. He’d draw designs, animals, the occasional chemical compound. The whole idea behind soulmates fascinated him: how one person could mark their arm and someone potentially thousands of miles away, would have that same mark appear. The amount of articles, studies, and books he’d read about the topic, even at a young age, could put an undergrad researcher to shame.

my notes: again with the soulmate au bc i cannot help myself. but really cute!!! probably gonna read this again later!

Boom, Toasted by protostar (hearthope)

rated: T words: 6,782 chapters: 1/1

author summary:

FROM: yuuji any bets on who hes texting??

FROM: eita He's smiling at his phone. Kuroo, probably

FROM: kentarou Kuroo

TO: fake family Have any of you ever once considered not prying

FROM: eita You deserve it

FROM: yuuji how can we not when ur in love!!

Kenma gets a text from an unknown number. He'd be lying if he said the guy behind it wasn't kind of endearing.

my notes: again, i love wrong number texts. it focuses more on kenma’s friendship, but kenma’s pov with texting kuroo is more than him realizing feelings and stuff. really cute, ive read it multiple times.

Japan's most subscribed by NeverNothing

rating: T words: 3,631 chapters: 1/1

author summary: Kuroo Tetsurou @blacktetsurou changed his bio : volleyball player, co-owner of Bouncing Ball Corp. and so much more ;)

my notes: i! love! social media! fics!!! really cute and basically people wondering who the mysterious kuroo is to applepi.

MATSUHANA!!! the underrated gem

texting (with a capital S) by parenthetic

rating: M words: 2,119 chapters: 1/1

author summary: Hanamaki breaks his No Texting In Class rule, and it's all downhill from there.

my notes: honestly more funny than it suggests, but its matsuhana, they’re meme lords.

rated m for by orphan_account

rated: T words: 10,692 chapters: 1/1

author summary: He should have known that there was a Specific Reason™ why it was so absolutely vital that he and Matsukawa specifically meet for a reading of the script. He should have known that there had to be some evil catch beyond sitting in a tiny, cramped studio with his newly sworn enemy.

Hanamaki stares at the title of the script he’d so gracefully neglected the night before.

FORBIDDEN PARADISE

“Excuse me,” Hanamaki starts, raising a pen in the air while staring blankly at the packet in his free hand. “Just to clarify, you want me to record a boy's love CD with Matsukawa?”

my notes: a very good voice actor au. there is some misunderstanding on hanamaki’s part bc he didnt finish listening to matsukawa, and this is really cute and i love matsuhana.

In A Quiet Night, All Sounds Carry by levyovochka

rating: E words: 4,794 chapters: 1/1

authors summary: “Ah, ah, Too—!”

Hanamaki hates his university dorm.

“—ru, let me cum, please!”

Hold up. That’s a fucking understatement. Let him rephrase it: Hanamaki loathes his university dorm with passion. Detest the damned abomination, abhors it—

“—ru! Coming, coming—”

It has only been a month and Hanamaki already wants to die.

my notes: as u can guess minor iwaoi // rlly well written and bottom hanamaki rights and maybe my favourite matsuhana smutfic??? and hooh boy i simp for matsukawa

call me maybe by totooru

rating: T words: 33,689 chapters: 14/14

author summary: Hanamaki texts the wrong number when trying to extort tips out of Oikawa in order to defeat Iwaizumi in arm wrestling, and then continues to text the witty stranger who had answered.

my notes: minor iwaoi, daisuga, bokuaka // god i think this is my favourite matsuhana fic overall, maybe in general, but my god is it great. this is probably a common rec, but its understandable as to why it is. basically au where makki texts matsun (who goes to karasuno) instead of oikawa for tips to beat iwaizumi at an arm wrestling match. but they keep messaging. and holy shit i love their conversations. please read this, it is 256/10

there we go!! i might go a part two with more ships (kagehina, tsukkiyama and iwaoi) but this took up way to much time lol. i have an essay due in a couple hours. but hope u like these fics as much as i do!!

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inyoursheets · 3 years

Text

imposter syndrome + fic writing

im seeing so many people, myself included, struggle with imposter syndrome, not in the least with fic writing, and i can see it gets in the way of our enjoyment of fic writing (and fic reading bc comparison can kick in) and that it affects our self-worth in general.

im heartbroken by this so i thought it was time for a post on the subject. so here are some thoughts

basically imposter syndrome is where you feel like you don’t deserve the credit you receive or any credit for the work you do, that you are an imposter, that you tricked people into thinking you could write fic for example but really, you’re not (that) good at it

believing that people who comment on your fic are mistaken/don’t mean it/are just commenting to be nice not bc they genuinely thought it was good is one manifestation of imposter syndrome

it also shows up in discrediting your past achievements. nothing will ever be enough proof that you are a good writer or a guarantee that you’re good at what you do

say you once wrote a fic people really liked. bc of imposter syndrome you’re more likely to think: well that was just a fluke / that fic is overrated / people are only enthusiastic to be nice to me not bc they actually enjoyed it

important to note is that imposter syndrome is something that women in particular struggle with and dis-proportionally affects women of color

women and non-binary people are constantly made to question our worth and our abilities. our achievements are constantly belittled. so we start believing we’re not that good at whatever we do

as Yomi Adegoke writes, “It is crucial to remember that women are not born feeling less-than. But if you are continually treated as though you are, you eventually internalise it. And this is not merely a synonym for low confidence – impostor syndrome is the logical outcome of a world that was never designed for women to be successful. It is time we stopped seeing the problem as being women’s refusal to believe in themselves and rather a world that actively refuses to believe in women”

on the flip side: i once saw this tweet by Natasha Leggero that said “every man in comedy has whatever the opposite of imposter syndrome is” and really, think about it -- how many men do you know who would discount their own work like that? that think they dont deserve the credit they receive?

so yeah, some people are made to feel more insecure about their abilities and achievements and self-worth than others. this is not random.

im pointing this out bc for me that helped to see that it was a) not just me feeling this way and b) me discrediting my own work and questioning the praise i receive on something ive written stems from my socialization as a woman and c) people who are marginalized in some way (e.g. by race, gender, sexuality) are structurally made to feel this way

something that also helped me knock my own imposter syndrome down a few (but not all) pegs is seeing how people whose work i really admire and look up to, people who i consider examples and way ahead of me, ALSO struggle with imposter syndrome

this ranges from fic writers whose work i love and reread an obscene amount to even the legendary Maya Angelou thinking she tricked people into thinking she could write after publishing her 11th book

they also feel like they’re not as good at their craft as people believe, also feel like they’re overrated, like they dont deserve the praise im trying to give them

which made me realize -- hold on. if these people, who i know are amazing at their work, also dont think they deserve any praise.... maybe something else is going on

this relates to what one of my teachers once reminded me of: imposter syndrome doesnt automatically go away as you get further into your craft. so she told me i better find a way to deal with it now

again, fic writers i admire can also really feel like their writing is shit and they dont deserve any props. like i said before, if you have imposter syndrome, nothing is gonna be enough guarantee that you do deserve to be in the position that you’re in. no external achievement is gonna hush that feeling that you’re not good at what you do, as far as i can tell. so we must learn how to stop believing we’re imposters

idk about you but i for one am really tired of feeling insecure about my writing at every turn, and not taking comments to heart, and constantly feeling like i simply tricked people into thinking i could write fic

and i sincerely want the many, many people i see struggle with this to see that their work is amazing, the comments they receive are genuine, they deserve praise, and it’s not them, it’s society teaching them to doubt themselves and their work

also! you can know all of these things and still sometimes feel like an imposter. that’s okay. that’s normal. unlearning this imposed self-doubt is a process

ok im done. idk where exactly i tried to go with this. my point is you’re not alone in feeling like a fraud and also you’re not a fraud, period. so take that.

(also! there are some cool articles on imposter syndrome out there, like this one)

#fic #writing #imposter syndrome #ha i just stared writing all sorts of tags discrediting this post and then i realized NOT TODAY IMPOSTER SYNDROME #also i hope this doesnt imply that imposter syndrome only shows up in (fic) writing bc actually most articles ive read on this #focus on the work place! but also more broadly!#imposter syndrome is so wild that even when i do write something that i like and would label good it then becomes a looming cloud #bc surely i will never achieve something like that again #wow i sure love questioning myself at every turn!!!! haha good times

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wildgeese2017 · 3 years

Text

You: what makes you happy?

Stranger: His smile

You: thats so nie

You: nice

Stranger: But I haven’t seen in in a while

You: :(

Stranger: What makes you happy?

You: i like lying down and feeling the earth cradling my whole physical body i like listening to music by myself

You: but i feel like its all sucks bc it never lasts

You: like his smile

You: i dont know how to make sense of it all

Stranger: I feel you

Stranger: Seems like nothing lasts

You: it scares me

Stranger: And you never know when the last time is going to be the last time

Stranger: You always think you will have more

Stranger: Until you don’t

You: i feel like an animal i feel so blind to what fate has planned for me

You: i want to believe in something to sort of see everything through the right lens but i just dont know whether i cud

You: like i dont know what gods means to me

You: what does it mean to you?

Stranger: I try to trust in him

Stranger: But the faith is being tested

Stranger: I feel like so much unfairness couldn’t come from god

You: i used to know so surely that the whole point of this suffering was that it was a test or an inevitabilty but i worry that my conclusion was false

You: im scared that my faith is just learned helpessness

You: do you have anything you wanted to say

You: like why you are on this platform

Stranger: I just hope you get enough motivation to hold on

Stranger: Even if it’s the bare minimum

You: thanks im fine i just feel so confused

Stranger: I am pretty sure that someday something will come that will make it worth it

You: im doing well im being nice to my loved ones im going to work im having fun im just existentially terrified

Stranger: For everyone

You: yeh i think so too

You: i kno u dont kno me but im rooting for you

Stranger: How old are you ? Sorry if that’s too personal

You: im 20

Stranger: I’m rooting for you too!!! 😄

You: thx

Stranger: The confusion starts at the twenty’s

Stranger: I’m 25 and haven’t figured it out

You: lol ive been confused 4 so long tho

You: i think being confused is the whole point

Stranger: Maybe the meaning of life isn’t to find it purpose

Stranger: But to live and live while it lasts

Stranger: Love*

You: like its all just fluctuations of energy and the universe is just reminding itself that it exists bc being is the point of being like a perfect circle of belief and truth

You: yes i think so too

You: but it leads me to chasing empty bliss

Stranger: You should write a book about it

Stranger: Or poems

You: i want to feel more purpose but i dont know how im scared of nit finding peace and my vulnerability being exploited

You: i write poetry but i feel as tho i havent developed craft

Stranger: You must be brave to feel extraordinary :)

You: how do u express urself?

You: :)

Stranger: I dance

You: <3

Stranger: I’m a dancer

You: thats so wonderful

Stranger: Not good with words

You: does it make you feel free? i can only dance with the lights off

Stranger: Sometimes I turn the music up and close my eyes and just dance whatever I feel inside

You: that sounds nice

You: what kind of music do u like?

Stranger: And most of the times it feels like breaking my own heart

You: :(

Stranger: But it flies itself back together right after

You: in a good or bad way?

Stranger: Glues*

You: sometimes i wish i cud crack open my heart and show people

Stranger: I feel like a slightly cracked heart must fall apart to be build up again

You: i always paraphrase kafka when he said the reason for everything he did is to try and express the unexpressable

Stranger: People tend to ignore small cracks

Stranger: But take it serious when it’s all in pieces

You: :( i wish we cud all b more gentle with each other

Stranger: Same

You: i wish i had more energy to see everyones breaking hearts and fill up the cracks with my own love

Stranger: And I wish we would only fall in love with people who fall for us back

You: are you in love with him?

Stranger: I am

You: i dont kno whether ive ever been in love love what is it like?

Stranger: I’ve been in love once before

Stranger: And I swore I’d never open myself up for anyone

Stranger: And my best friend convinced me to go on this date with this guy

Stranger: And when he kissed me I just knew

You: that must hav been terrifying

Stranger: Took me 5years tho

Stranger: To fall like this again

Stranger: It was

Stranger: In it’s ironic way

Stranger: And it still is

You: i can tget close to anyone like that bc ive got all this stuff i cant let anyone see its brave for you to let someone in even if it hurts

Stranger: You know what?

Stranger: It wasn’t a decision I made !!

You: huh i never thought of it that way

You: maybe it was god

Stranger: Im fact the decision I took was to not let him in before we went on that date

Stranger: It wasn’t something I was in control of

Stranger: And it took him 5 hours to kiss me 😄

Stranger: And when he did time stopped

Stranger: And so did my senses except for feeling

You: what makes him so special? is it just the way he makes you feel or is there a big reason in your mind?

Stranger: It’s …

Stranger: How can I say this

Stranger: He was a surprise

Stranger: I didn’t expect him to be that good

You: did you feel like you had met before?

Stranger: I thought he’d be just another mediocre guy

You: so he suprised you

Stranger: But when I saw his smile and eyes I just knew I was screwed

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Feel good to finally talk about all this haha

You: ive never felt that way about way about anyone it sounds so confusing

You: is he kind?

Stranger: He was

You: is he not anymore?

Stranger: Sadly no

You: :(

Stranger: He decided to take a step back from me

You: what did he do to make you feel this way (if you dont mind me askin)

You: oh

Stranger: I remember when he called me to tell me he’s not ready for a relationship

You: what are you going to do? i cant imagine never seeing anyone i care about like that again

Stranger: Last time I saw him was three weeks ago

Stranger: And last time I heard from him was one week bwfore

You: did you know him long before ?

Stranger: Three months

Stranger: Not that long

Stranger: But I knew what he would mean to me when I first saw him

Stranger: So it felt like a smaller eternity

You: that sound so difficult

Stranger: I miss him terribly:)

You: i cant imagine feeling that way it wud really scare me everyone i talk to ive known for like 8years i cant give so much of myself to someone new

Stranger: You don’t have to give yourself to someone all at once

Stranger: Be protective of your energy

Stranger: And never trust the other person to not hurt you!

Stranger: But trust yourself and how you will react to it

Stranger: Trust that’s you would be strong enough to handle it

You: do you think he saw the real you? its so weird to think that everyone percieves you differently and out of your own control i worry that i focus too much on an idea of a person that i cud be

Stranger: Yea and no

Stranger: What I showed him was the real me but I also know that I didn’t show him everything that I am

Stranger: I feel your fear ! You got to know who you are as a person first

Stranger: And you got to be authentic with the people around you

You: i think it takes so long to show a clear picture of urself and its always moving and running away from the person you were when you last talked to that person who you want to really see you

Stranger: Exactly!

Stranger: That’s probably the most genuine talk I ever had

You: im so tired of trying to be a person i wish i cud just melt into everyone around me but theres so much i dislike about those around me and its not possible anyway. its just hard knowing the reason for everything is human connection and not living in a way that respects that truth

Stranger: Thank you

You: thank you too

You: i really appreciate your sharing its so scar to be honest out loud

You: *scary

Stranger: True

Stranger: I guess being anonymous makes it easier

You: yeh i just i was going to see a friend today who i feel like understands me but i couldnt in the end and i needed to express a part of myself u kno even tho im talking to other people who know me and care its not the same

You: i hope ou feel better soon regardless of what he chooses for himself

Stranger: I know exactly what you mean

Stranger: After all I have to choose myself over him as well :)

Stranger: Sometimes love isn’t enough

Stranger: Who am I fooling… most of the times it’s not enough

You: i have so many kind lovely friends and family who is trying but i cant let go of this heavy thing its like theres always some invisible chain wrapped around me

You: yeh :(

You: why cant we all help each other more

Stranger: Not many people are spiritual enough to say love is enough and all that matters f*ck the rest

You: i know so many people in pain and im too tired to be there all the time

You: its easy for me to say love is enough when i dont hav so many real problems that cant b solved with love alone

Stranger: I really pray for you to break out of those chains

Stranger: You seem like an amazing loving and caring person

Stranger: You deserve happiness

You: thanks i dont kno whether my hope has any power to reach you but i really hope you get some relief from your pain too

You: you too

You: i think we all do but i cant know that im so lucky to not meet people who are cruel enough to take that belief away from me

Stranger: And if you ever do meet people like that do me the favor of removing them immediately

Stranger: If it costs you your peace it’s too exoenz

You: i guess but i always think what happens to them when im gone?

Stranger: Expensive *

You: where do they go?

Stranger: ALWAYS !

You: what do they feel?

Stranger: That’s none of your business

Stranger: Let them find their own way

You: yeh i think we all need to respect ourselves to let go of toxicity

Stranger: You don’t have to guide them

You: i just feel like i want to care more i want to love more but i dont and that makes me feel small and selfish i wish we cud all connect our love its so scary not being able to reach each other

You: im scared to change and become better it sounds so hard i feel so selfish

Stranger: You’re not selfish if it means protecting your energy

Stranger: But don’t stand in your own way

Stranger: Be brave

Stranger: Can’t stress that enough

You: thanks i think i do need to be braver i try and look more people in the eye but maybe i need to be brave against myself more than against other people

Stranger: Have you ever watched greys anatomy?

You: since they arent in my control

You: no but all my friends love it

You: its on my list loll

Stranger: So Meredith grey said something like :

Stranger: Maybe she wasn’t opening up to people not because she was scared of the love she would receive

Stranger: But scared of what would happen when they took this live away from her someday

Stranger: Once you get a taste of love

Stranger: It’s like a drug

Stranger: Love*

You: like you and him, i find it hard to accept it when people choose me over someone else so i push them away to other people and i get upset that they replaced me

You: love is so scary

You: its too much

Stranger: Me and him …

Stranger: I feel like this story is not over yet

Stranger: :)

Stranger: And that calms me

You: i think if you have so much love inside you, u will succeed and find yourself in a good place if you focus on that love

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: I literally believe in love because of the way I know I am capable to love

You: sometimes i worry that im not capable of love like that like i have something inside me that puts people off even though on a surface level i seem nice and passionate or sweet or whatever

You: like i worry im just playing a part and soon ill get tired of acting and i wont be what people need anymore

Stranger: Don’t worry too much

Stranger: Just truly be yourself

You: thanks i will try too

You: its so weird loving life this much and still not being happy

Stranger: Damn

You: like im so happy but its never enough

You: its not the right kind of joy it wont fit

Stranger: And this whole convo started with this simple question

You: loll

Stranger: What makes you happy

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You know what I just realized

You: wot :0

Stranger: My answer was wrong in so many ways

Stranger: Your happiness shouldn’t be depending on someone else

Stranger: Cause you can’t control other peoples behavior

You: thats so real

You: its so scary tho since you cant b alone but you cant rely purely on others

Stranger: Your happiness should only be in your hands

Stranger: So controversial

Stranger: It’s a daily risk lol

You: like other people are all that matters but to them you are the other people so we all need to be kind to ourselves to be kind to each toher but we're all to hurt and scared to do all of it in the right way

You: we're all walking around with a piece of the happy puzzle and we have'nt figured out how to put it together

Stranger: sometimes we forget that all people are vulnerable and maybe hurting too

Stranger: When someone hurts your feelings you tend to forget you might have hurt theirs too

You: i always remember but i dont always respect it and that makes me dislike the kind of person i let myself be

Stranger: You will learn to

You: i hope so

You: i think thats the point

Stranger: Don’t pressure yourself

You: like we live and we all learn the same lesson

You: but it seems like its always repeating

You: like why haven't we learned it yet

You: like we're all one soul

You: and we can't reach the end of this problem or is the point how good we feel at points of it? i cant just chase joy if its fleeting iworry that even love is fleeting

You: idk i know we only hav the present

You: like all the advice uve given me i trust it

You: i just freak out thinking of the big picture

Stranger: Relax 😄

Stranger: It’s not all that serious

Stranger: Don’t forget to live along the way

Stranger: Love was never meant to be safe or measured!

Stranger: You got to be brave and love irritationally

You: i think that that is fair i just i go long stretches living and then i remember the whole question of why and how shud i live and i get all tangled up again

Stranger: And instead of being scared, trusting yourself with it

You: i think i need to trust more and i think faith is trust

Stranger: Grow and learn to trust yourself

You: i want to have more faith in myself in others in the future i just worry the way i acheive this will only be a bandaid i want more than blind faith i want to see the world and see it as it is and still feel love and joy and trust the universe and myself to experience it correctly and even let go of the whole concept of correct.

Stranger: I also think I might fall asleep soon lol

You: thanks for listening i think i will too lol good luck i wish you all the best <£

You: <3

Stranger: That’s what I wish you too

Stranger: From the bottom of my heart

You: :-)

Stranger: Take care strangee

You: u 2 :-)

Stranger: Stranger*

1 note · View note

spaceysp · 3 years

Note

Saying random stuff to feed into the hyperfixations; pick one of these statements to rant about because I wanna read :)) if u want,

How skeppy must feel with everyone meeting up cause BaD JUST COME ON ,

Opinions on bad planning to take skeppy to dinner and all that jazz ,

Skeppys newest video on the skep channel where bad and skeppy are surprisingly sweet to eachother (and how lately in general bad has been less angee with him) ,

Literally the whole discount skeppy situation , bad being literally in love,

Ride with U,,,,,hetero,,,,explanation,,,, anywhere?

ANONNNNN I OWE YOU MY LIFE ILY

im literally going to talk about all of these so im sorry but read more at your own risk

one: skeppy, i am so sorry a mf does this to you. but seriously, i can only think of a few reasons (that dont sound entirely made for fanfic) that bad keeps putting off meeting skeppy

1. (the most unlikely) theyve already met and they keep the bit going so the fans dont find out. i can get that they wouldnt want to tell at first because its their own business, but i seriously doubt they would wait very long to confirm it, because ppl honestly can put a lot of pressure and hype on the meetup (esp with skeppy’s “surprise”) so i think theyd release something just so everyone knew that it finally happened! they didnt lie!

2. bad just doesnt want to meet skeppy (actually nvm this is the most unlikely)

bad seems to be genuinely excited to meet skeppy, even claiming skeppys the one to keep putting it off, not him (which skeppy immediately disproved but) and saying over and over he wants to meet up with him, but always avoiding actually making plans (every single tweet about the meetup) so its clear he does want to meet skeppy eventually, which makes trying to figure out why he wont even harder

3. its not the right time/ waiting for a specific date

leading up to this, i was thinking that there was a pretty good chance theyd meet up on their anniversary, but that never happened rip. the issue is with this is that they guaranteed they would meet up before the end of the year, and at this point theres only one “event” left, but they still dont seem to have any plans to meet. if bad was waiting for the perfect time to do it, why not just tell skeppy to confirm a meetup date? it would get him (and maybe the fans, if they told them) off his back. another variant of this is that there is a set date, but they havent told the public, but again, skeppy seems to be just as much in the dark about this as everyone else

4. health issues

bads apparently been feeling pretty under the weather lately, with his arm and kidney stones, its very plausible (and reccomended, imo) that bad doesnt want to travel when hes having these problems. of course, skeppy could visit, but he could either not want to spend their time together sick or the plans they have could also be too straining. i think this is probably one of the most likely atm, go see a doctor bbh im begging you

5. bads nervous

this is also one of the more plausible to me. for whatever reason, bads just anxious about it, whether it wont be the same as talking online, or be super awkward or whatever, he could just keep putting it off for that (its still weird and kinda doesnt make sense but in a more realistic way this time)

i know i totally went off track but this brings me to my point, skeppys kinda just waiting for bads confirmation at this point, so seeing his friends have fun meeting up is probably just lowkey depressing and i could see him using it as more the reason they should meet up. really the only thing he can do in this situation(at least, as far as i can tell) is what he has been doing, annoy bad about it or he take advantage of bads jealousy and meet up with someone else. the other option is to randomly come to his house, but it doesnt seem like skeppy is gonna do that, maybe to respect his boundaries? if he was planning on it i think he wouldve done it by now

OKAY NUMBER TWO LETS GO

this kinda ties into my point in the “reasons why bad wont meet skeppy” thing, that bad seems really excited to meet him yet still wont?? its clear he really values any time spent with skeppy, but he also make sure skeppys having a good time too! that why he never does any actual work with skeppy around (i.e. building statues or gathering materials for such), he knows its boring so instead theyll wander around the server telling stupid stories or punching each other off stairs for 20 minutes. im sure itll be the same irl, he mentioned wanting to meet somewhere like a nature reserve or amusement park, probably to make sure theres never a dull moment or time wasted. dinner seems much more low-key, and i wouldnt be surprised if bad just wanted to have an excuse to try and impress him with a nice totally-platonic date

NUMbeR tHree *airhorns*

they really do be the best of friends! ive noticed that skeppys def been trying to halt arguments fairly quickly now, saying a lot to appease bad and move on, and while bad seems to like to start fights for fun, hes also been a lot more chill lately, im guessing because hes been oh-so desperately missing skeppy and big s was also in Baby mode (aka if bad disagreed with him hed probably just cry until he got his way((sand))) i think that vid just showed them being a lot more natural and happy to talk (plus bad usually is more argumentative when theyre competing, while in that vid they were either just hanging out or working towards a common goal)

n u m b e r f o u r

where to even BEGIN with discount skeppy. well, bad actually first came up this idea a few months ago, in either july or august on an idots smp stream when he crafted an ‘artificial skeppy’ in his snack shack that he could talk to whenever skeppy was gone. as we all know idots smp is now rip, but the idea of replacement skeppys remained, just this time they can talk and also ship skephalo. it actually seemed like more of puffys idea at first when she put on skeppys skin as a joke, which bad didnt like the first few times, but when she brought it up again he actually requested it (missing skeppy brainrot 🤔?) this could be either cuz bad wanted to bait some shippers so gave in or he thought it was a pretty funny bit so went along with it (or he actually missed skeppy that much.. surely not ??) either way i think we can agree puffy is not only a comedic genius but a top tier friend and slight wingman, and getting some good jealous skeppy content out of it is also top tier. in conclusion, love and appreciate discount skeppy, badboyhalo has only skeppy on his brain and his friends have to deal with that, hoes (skeppy) mad even though the whole bit is how much bbh is into him

NUMBER FIVE im really doing all of them

What, can be said, about ride with u. GODDAMN. im not tryna insinuate anything, but if someone told me that song reminded them of me i would have no choice but to marry them immediately. i really really want someone to ask bad what songs remind him of any of his other friends (dream, sapnap, george, ant, puffy, etc.) because there are three options

1. theyre just cool platonic friend songs and bad is just in love with skeppy

2. he cant think of any songs for them and bad is just In Love with skeppy

3. they have equal romantic undertones and bad is just Like That with his friends (even so i bet people would be picking out the most minute differences between the songs that make one more.. You Know than the other)

i know FOR SURe that if i was in bads position (where even the person who made the lyric video assumed they were gay in love) i wouldve curled into a ball and never made another public appearance again, but he really owned that shit, singing it and making unprompted references to it (”i already have a bonnie” YOU AINT SLICK SIR WTF)

i just wanna know if skeppys listened to it (i mean, hes surely at least heard of it, i know he wouldve seen it all over his timeline) and what he thonks about it. pls tell us big s do you also feel the love in this chilis tonight (ALSO when is someone gonna ask skeppy what song reminds him of bad. im waiting ((hed probably say something like a faster remix or something equally memey (((unless???)))

ANYWAY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU READ ALL OF THAT HOLY SHIT i dont wanna reread this to check for errors so it might be incoherent but again ty for letting me infodump about this it was super fun im in love with you anon

#tw caps

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phobiadeficient · 4 years

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Your work is just stunning I can’t even! I know it’s not a pairing you’ve done before, at least that IVe seen, but would you consider doing something with demo and spy? Maybe something with a focus on bottom spy?

this is another one of those ships i dont know the clever ship name for but on god the more i think about it the better it is as a concept. mr “had-to-disguise-as-tom-jones-just-to-tell-his-son-he-loves-him” bad at emotional honesty and mr “cried-on-camera-genuinely-nice-dude” emotional and honest, like dude. dude

(warnings for discussion of past manipulation)

The one thing about Demo that Spy was both most drawn to and most uncomfortable with was his unwavering honesty.

About his emotions, about his past, about his likes and dislikes, about his insecurities and weaknesses—he couldn’t imagine someone more effectively teeing themselves up to be manipulated by someone like him. If he was hired to get information or money or blackmail or anything at all out of Demo, he would consider it the easiest job he’d ever done.

But... some part of him, for the first time in years, felt wrong about that. About even simple manipulations, like being dramatic and acting more offended than he really was to get Demo to drop uncomfortable questions, like redirecting his attention whenever he seemed to be nosing too far into what Spy considered to be his own business and nobody else’s. It felt wrong. And instead, when in an idle chat about their immigration to America, when Demo asked whether he’d managed to get a permanent stay visa and whether his real name was even on it, he outright said that he wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about the process he’d taken to first live in the United States.

And Demo had shrugged and said that was fair and had smoothly changed topics, and that was that. He didn’t ask again.

Infuriating, was the word. It was infuriating how honest he was. It was infuriating how much Spy wanted to return that honesty.

And usually when people opened up to him and he started to feel like he was being impolite for not sharing in return, he would tell them lies, one of three well-crafted well-rehearsed stories he had for his own past that would make the other person feel sufficiently trusted and valued, sometimes since Spy knew he might never feel entirely right sharing details like that and he did want the illusion of connection. But even something as small as that felt wrong. And he huffed about it, told Demo after a story one day that he felt bad for not talking more about himself, and Demo had laughed, had shrugged it off so very easily, said he didn’t tell Spy things as a transaction, he told Spy things because he thought Spy might like knowing those things. Said he would be okay if Spy never told him anything, as long as he knew he was allowed to talk or stay silent at his own discretion, and that Demo wouldn’t judge him.

So completely infuriating.

And the progression from friendly co-workers to friends to good friends to a different sort of friends had brought up a series of similarly infuriating discussions. Mostly Demo trying to get various assurances that Spy didn’t feel at all rushed into anything, that really it was alright if he wasn’t comfortable with pushing forward. And he asked two and three and four times, starting all the way down at holding hands and chaste little kisses, and admitted that mostly he was worried because he couldn’t be entirely certain when Spy was being truthful with him and when he was just gritting his teeth.

Demo admitted, in one of those earlier discussions, that he felt he couldn’t tell when Spy was irritated with him at all. Because he rambled on at Spy so often, and still hadn’t figured out how to tell when Spy got bored of him.

And Spy wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him hard and shout that he was never bored of Demo, that Demo was a bottomless well of stories and ideas and culture and opinions and questions that he knew he couldn’t get through if he spent the next hundred years with him but he would enjoy every last moment of trying, even the parts that Demo considered to be so ugly and unlovable, and even more the few glimmering parts that he could dig out and reflect back at Demo to show him that he did have things about himself that he should be proud of.

But the words locked in his throat alongside just about every other word he ever wanted to say to him and instead he’d just smiled and promised to be better at telling Demo if he ever did anything wrong, and assured him that the vast majority of the time his grand theatrical bouts of complaining weren’t legitimate annoyance, he just enjoyed being dramatic from time to time. And all those other words stayed locked in his throat, even as Demo laughed and kissed him heartily on the cheek. And he was so angry with himself, because he didn’t know when he’d started locking those sorts of words away in the very first place, and furthermore he didn’t know how to find the key.

Demo found it for him. Of course he did. How could he not? He’d unlocked all sorts of other things Spy thought he’d never manage again.

And he gave Spy thousands of chances to back out, and another hundred every time they reached those quiet, gentle moments, limbs tangling together against Spy’s satin bedsheets. And despite all of Demo’s fretting, Spy never once felt threatened by the muscle that boxed him in on at least two sides, feeling more safe than anything else.

And Demo was sweet enough to ask every time whether Spy wanted to top, even though the answer was always a pretty confident no. And he was always almost too careful with prep, using it as part of the foreplay as much as anything else, and that was beyond lovely. And he liked to face Spy, liked to kiss and nip just below his jaw, liked to capture his lips for idle moments, taking his time in a way that made Spy fall apart entirely.

And that was the only time he’d found that he could manage honesty, whispered between them every time their lips parted to get air back. He found it there and clung to it, clung to the meager courage he discovered under the weight of pleasure, found himself saying all sorts of things he could never bear when clothed (literally in fabric and metaphorically in the carefully-crafted persona that he couldn’t seem to shed until the moment of raw vulnerability that Demo could bring him to, making love in near-darkness).

That was when he could whisper to Demo how much he loved him. How good Demo made him feel. How happy he was. How perfect everything felt, there, together alone, close. To never stop, to never go.

And he didn’t know how to tell him that he meant it, outside of their bedroom, outside of the moment. Because as soon as the moment was over and the afterglow was fading (always far too fast for his liking), the words were locked away again behind his cyanide teeth and silver tongue. And he knew Demo’s insecurities would feed off of that, would try and convince him that Spy was just running his mouth in the heat of the moment, and he hated that he couldn’t reassure him by continuing to say those things. To say he loved him. To ask Demo to never go.

He instead tried to find that moment sooner, when Demo was peeling his layers away and laving yet another mark against his collarbone where nobody else would see it. He tried to murmur affirmations then, choked on compliments following bearded kisses to the cheek or temple, found himself hesitating between acts of affection.

And one day he did break. Did find himself borderline sobbing, all at once, body wracked with tremors. And in an instant Demo pulled out and away, set to comforting him, trying to soothe him, trying to make right whatever was wrong, and that was when Spy managed it. Managed to spill all that he wanted to say. That this act of vulnerability had never felt vulnerable before, that this show of trust had only ever been for show with practically everyone else he’d ever slept with, that for his entire life he’d been making love to people and now finally he found someone he loved, that Demo was the first person in so long who he wanted to be honest with but he didn’t know how.

Demo had listened. Attentively, carefully, concern etched into his face all the while, an open book, practically annotated and with references, in a way that scared him so much because he knew he might not ever be able to reciprocate that honesty on any level and that idea, for the first time, legitimately hurt him. And Demo had gently, picking his words so very carefully, assured him that it was okay. That they would take things as slowly as Spy needed. That he could start by answering a question.

And Demo had kissed him, gently on either cheek just below his eyes, and asked him how he felt.

Better, he answered hesitantly if honestly, there in the wake of spilling his most horrible secrets. Drained.

And Demo had kissed him all over his face then, thanked him for being honest, told him he was so very incredibly brave, telling him all of that, and then being willing to try to continue being brave. And that had gotten to Spy again, gotten him back into those tremors, because Demo was honest. He meant it. Believed it. He really did think Spy was brave.

And god, maybe if Demo believed it, just maybe, it could be true.

#//demospy #//tenderness

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missjanjie · 5 years

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There are so many fics with Nina being the main person B goes to with relationship/ life issues with V, but I'd love to see one with plastique since not only are she and brooke apparently really close, but she is in a relationship at the moment

im just gonna go ahead and say it - each time ive seen soju hit on vanjie, v looks uncomfortable and it physically pains me.

Throughout the touring season, different combinations ofseason eleven queens would be at various places across the world. Thisparticular gathering featured Vanessa, Plastique, Soju, and Brooke Lynn. Whilefans of all four of them were there, there would undeniably be a few more therespecifically there for the former drag power-couple. This was fine with themall, of course, it was to be expected.

That said, Brooke Lynn’s patience with Soju was rapidlydwindling as he realized two things – one, Soju liked to drink and two, Sojuliked to flirt with Vanessa. A lot. And it wasn’t like Brooke could sayanything about it – they weren’t together, it wasn’t his business. If headdressed it, especially while they were all performing, everyone would notice,and it would be all over the internet.

At one point, Soju was telling a story about an overzealousfan and how ‘in each selfie attempt she grabbed me like this or that or this,”and he would grab a different part of Vanessa – who he was sitting next to – toexemplify it – grabbing his wrist, his shoulder, his thigh. It was clear thatVanessa was trying to laugh it off but was starting to get uncomfortable.

Brooke Lynn took that as an opportunity to chime in. “Ithink they get the point – you’re not showing the jury where she touched you onthe doll,” he smiled when he heard Vanessa laugh genuinely at that, an obviouscontrast to moments before.

Soju didn’t seem thrilled that both Vanessa and the crowdseemed to favor Brooke Lynn in that moment, but continued the story, keeping hishands to himself. “Anyway, let’s take some questions from the audience, rightladies?” at least they all seemed to agree on that.

Most of the questions were pretty casual and benign –occasionally there was one directed at Vanessa or Brooke Lynn that was meant toelicit a sexy or romantic answer about the other, but by this point they hadbecome skilled at giving just the right answer that didn’t put any furtherimplications out about their status.

“Soju, if you had stayed on the show longer, do you thinkyou’d have tried to seduce anyone?” one person asked, causing a small wave oflaughter and applause to push through the crowd.

“Oh, I mean, I totally would have tried to shoot my shotwith Vanjie. I don’t think I could exactly compete with Brooke, but I sure asfuck would’ve tried,” Soju answered, winking at Vanessa who, again, just didhis best to laugh it off.

“I’m sure I’m not the only reason he wouldn’t havebeen interested,” Brooke remarked offhandedly, though the crowd all ‘oooh’ed atit.

Plastique decided this would be the best time to end thingsand go on their intermission. “Okay guys, we’re going to take our break. Beright back!” he announced as the four of them exited to the dressing room. Hewent over to Brooke Lynn as soon as they were out of the crowd’s sight. “Hey,can we talk for a minute?” he asked lightly, leading him off to the side sothey could sit down. “Do you wanna tell me why you’re acting so weird?”

“No,” Brooke pouted. “But I know I should. It’s just that…Vanjieis so obviously uncomfortable whenever Soju hits on him and he can’t like, takea fucking hint. And I can’t really do anything about it because everyone willbe like ‘oh look, Brooke Lynn’s jealous, he wants Vanjie back. I bet they’re alreadyback together’ or whatever,” he huffed.

“Well…do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Want Vanjie back,” Plastique clarified. He put a comfortinghand on Brooke Lynn’s shoulder. “It’s okay if you do, you know. You’re notlike, being predictable or whatever you’re worried about the fans thinking. Youfeel how you feel. If you find someone that makes you feel as strongly as youdo, you gotta grab that and hold it tight, I would know,” he turned his head,gesturing his boyfriend, who was making a plate at the craft services table.

Brooke Lynn was quiet for a moment. “Maybe I do, I don’tknow. Things are still so complicated. It’s not what the fans think, notreally. It’s all about Vanjie – how he feels. I hurt him real bad, you know. I’mnot sure if you’d forgive your man if he treated you that way. And you wouldn’tbe in the wrong for it,” he looked longingly at Vanessa, who had started doinga livestream. “It doesn’t help that my heart still skips a fucking beat when hesmiles. How cheesy is that?”

Plastique chuckled softly. “I think it’s cute. And I thinkyou need to come to terms with your feelings before it gets worse…or before youmurder Soju…whichever comes first,” he laughed.

“Thanks,” Brooke sighed and hugged him. “I’ll wait til he’sdone,” he decided, sitting and watching Vanessa talk at her phone for anotherfew minutes before putting it away. That was his cue, he thought. He got up,walked over to Vanessa, and cupped his face in his hands. “I’m going to kissyou now. Is that okay?”

Vanessa just nodded in surprise, melting into the kiss instantly.“What was that for?”

“The cumulation of several weeks of feelings, none of whichI particularly want to address. But I’m willing to try,” Brooke replied andkissed him again.

So, they would try. And the plan was to try in private, but –perhaps out of scorn or jealousy – Soju was quick to bring up the kissing onstage after the break. But at least the uncomfortable flirting stopped.

#branjie #branjie fic #s11t #smut #in drag #featplastique

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candybrained · 4 years

Text

honesty

Ok. it’s therapy time again.

in a few lines I’ll go and make some tea. and this day will feel better. It kinda did already... in the subway at pick hour with crowds of sneezing, angry, sulky, tired people with tired, empty looks. you ask how? it was a kid. today my therapy is kids. so, remember the sullen, gruesome, mean looking crowds in the subway, you know the people that can’t use the subway properly and cough in your eyes? well, a bit smashed among them there was this kid....hmmm about 4th grade...a boy. reminded me of my favourite type of boys when I used to teach kids. the wild ones, restless, active,never shuts up, always causing trouble. I wonder if they knew they were always my favourite. because of course I had to be strict to them, we talked back to each other, said things, regretted them. but later in the day, at home, they were what the day was made of, sometimes they made me laugh while trying to explain to my hubby the mess we made at school and why I was almost crying over the phone and about to quit my job ...this time seriously. today im walkind down this part of memory lane. the years I spent teaching kids. only teachers know the things we do, how we feel and why we do it. so im not even gonna try explaining that. was it exhausting, no! it was more than that!!!! I know because I’ve seen it in the mirror. honestly there were so many times on my way back home, on the bus in the evening, when I hadn’t been sure how on earth I was going to wake up the next day and have the POWER to go to work and deal with it again. so, it’s the next morning now and I enter the classroom and look at them and they....they act like nothing had happened the last time. and they are right, NOTHING had happened, because they are kids, they don’t hold this grudge down, they don’t collect the bad energy, they remember what was good. and just a day after I talked to rosen’s mum about how out of control things with him were, he meets me in the park and is happy to see me. but happy happy. like being proud to say hello to me happy. because they are kids. I remember the day before the xmas holidays a few years ago, I’d had this awful fight with my boyfriend...and I mean real fight, the ones that normal couples have. I don’t know how, but I went to work because you just have to go even if you can’t hide your swollen eyes behind a computer and you know that everyone will know something had happened...you must go. obviously I can’t have a normal class with them, so I play a xmas movie and we watch, they watch. a few minutes are enough in their presence, now im calm. and I know that from time to time they secretly look at me to check if im smiling for the funny parts, if im ok. they are careful today. because they are kids. they help. yes this is not the case when you’re having a difficult week and they decide to make it worse. but they somehow know when they shouldn’t. when I worked with kids I had taken for granted honesty in life. on a daily basis I was used to seeing genuine eyes, that one frickin tear rolling down this girl’s cheek when I was trying to explain respect to her....it will never leave me alone and how much I cried after that for being too harsh, how often do you hear real laughter from the heart? for me this was every single day. real people wanting things out of life, having problems with their parents, problems I can’t even imagine having and then being clean of it in class, like everything was fine. no bitterness, always forgiving, crazy as fuck!!!!!!!! rude, impolite, throwing tantrums but honest. honest even when they were trying to lie, it showed so much, like it would never show in adult eyes. now I teach adults and I get ready faster in the morning, with the kids though, I had to put an extra effort. because they look at you, count how many pairs of leggings you own, how often you wear this and that and both of them together, how you do your hair, and once you’ve gone pink, all the girls start experiencing with juicing their hair pink. kids look at you because you are interesting to them, not to judge you. oh yeah and always said I looked so much younger when I told the my real age.because they are small. a few weeks before my wedding this girl almost got hit by a bus. I let her go ealier that day to catch the stupid bus. until I was sure she was fine, before I talked to her mum once again on Monday I felt like a zombie. I just lied on the sofa drinking tea and coffee from the mug she had given to me for xmas and praying she was fine. she was fine. now I teach adults and I always tell them stories about the kids. now I can’t shut up. and I know they remember me and keep the most hideous things we’ve done in class...the type of things their parents try to get rid of. and plus ive always used pinterest so they are not in fact hideous. I take this back. some kids just made hideous art, like really ugly. I know they knew I didn’t like it. I know it showed on my face. it showed because I intent to keep it. honesty. just like them.

this kid on the subway had a different look from everybody else crammed around him and over him and sneezing over his head. I think this boy was thinking of something like ...a game he was about to play. is fortnight still a thing? he was thinking of the fastest was of putting some lame homework together and what to do later. he couldn’t wait. because he is a kid.

ps - no matter what you do with a toilet paper roll, it will always stay a toilet paper roll and people will always see it. NOT GOOD for crafts

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unknowngirl199424-blog · 5 years

Text

Pt. 3

Now being the pretty innocent girl i was. I smoked weed very occasionally. Drank every now and then. But that was it really. I smoked cigs. Stupid choice i made at an even more stupid young age. I was 13 when i tried it. 15 when i started smoking every day. (My parents knew, they didn't care) my younger sister had been smoking for years. She partied a lot. Drank a lot. Smoked a lot. Took a lot of pills. Would steal my moms pain pills that she needed from the back surgeries. Mom would run out at the end of the month and would bawl... Literally wail in pain. And it never stopped my sister. I caught her several times. Id get pissed. Ask her wtf she was doing, or why... But she never stopped. I never told... I was drowning in depression. It started when i was 13. After my grandma passed. I changed... She was my world.

My parents partied ALOT!

Used LOTS of drugs...

Ranging from just weed, to coke, to meth...

The first half of my life... From birth till... 14? I think was when they quit all the hard shit for good. They were just... Mom and dad. I mean i loved them, i respected them, but... I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was normal for me to walk in and see light bulbs just randomly on the coffee table.

It was normal for me to wake my sis up in the morning, helping her get dressed, teeth brushed, food in her belly and out the door waiting on the bus. Every day. We lived in the country about 20 miles from town where our friends were. So all we had was each other. In the summer as soon as the sun started to show, 7:00ish. My parents would rush into our room. One would wake up me while the other would wake my sister. Rush us up and to get dressed and outside. We'd be outside alllllllllll day long in the summer in Oklahoma heat. They'd have friends over and lock the doors. We played. Sometimes the friends would bring their kids and we'd run around and play all day. I was a tom boy. I had scarred bloody knees almost daily from wrecking my bike. Would just walk around the property we lived on. Played with our dogs. Pissed off snakes that liked to live in the barn or chicken coop. I ran a lot. BUT IT WAS NORMAL TO ME. They started to quit when i was 12. Then grandma passed. They started again. Didn't stop for good until mom was hurt and dad was fired for pissing dirty for weed, coke, and meth. He was rehired 6 months later. But shit was rough at the time. So after losing my grandma. I went into myself. She loved me, took care of me. Gave me what i wanted and needed. I basically broke. I was never really an over joyous kid. I was raped and molested by my cousin. And so i always carried pain. But grandma was who made me happy. She passed. And from that point in my life from 13 to 18. I cut a lot. I was emotionless most days. But some days I'd break and cry for hours. For the longest time i thought i was depressed because of grandma. But i realized... Depression is a disease. And once you get a good dose of it, it stays. It twists and folds and wiggles its way into every fibre of your being and clings. And bad things that go on add to it and over time, you are eye level deep terrified you're gonna go under soon and no one will notice. Well over the years shit was added. Once I realised i could.... Not feel the pain and sadness... I latched on. Over time the occasional smoking weed went to every day several times a day. Drinking came up for awhile but i hated feeling like shit the next day so i quit. My ex gave me a pain pill one day.

I realised that not only could i get away from the pain and depression, i could feel fucking amazing while doing so. So it started out ya know. Once a week. Just one. To 2 a week to 4 a week to at least 1 every day. When we went up north. Pills were every where. Drugs in general. And i wanted to experience things. We had fun. Went lots of places. Did lots of things. Parties, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, museums, art museums, craft fairs, art stores, book stores, malls, movie theaters.. Just... it was great. I met her friends. They were like her. We partied a lot. I was soley living in the moment for once instead of striving to please everyone else. It was a stupid choice. But it was my choice. Over the years. The fun with it stopped... it became a nessecity. She got shitty and mean sober and i was just as miserable. I wanted happiness not that. Her dad would give us pain pills every day and muscle relaxers. If we did literally anything for him he'd pay us in pills. My ex was also prescribed pain pills too! We'd go through them so quick and then he'd give them to us so we didn't go through withdrawal. By year 3 (2015) I'm 21. I'm working a few months here a few months there. Living the same daily cycle. My day didn't start until pills were thrown down my throat. The habit got bad. I was to a point i was taking fucking handfulls of pills. Daily. And didn't feel ok until then. The few days i didn't have them, i literally slept all day and all night. I was burying my issues with a dark coping mechanism.

I started falling out of love. I left her once last year and we got back together the next day. I told her she couldn't keep stopping me from leaving because it was making me hate her. She wouldnt let go. We stayed together for 4 months. I broke up with her and moved back to oklahoma the beginning of this year. But she was my comfort. Pills were my comfort. After being here for 4 months i let her come back. It was bad. I got back into pills again and one day i told her i didn't want to be with her anyone. She was here for a month at that point. But she wasn't trying to work. She wouldn't do anything. But look for pills. I told her i was done. She gave me some pills. I didn't know what they were but she told me they were for anxiety. And i was really upset. So i took them. We kept arguing. She kept giving me more. My parents stopped by to drop something off, i guess i was wayyyyy out of it. They leave. The fight blows up. I tell her i want her gone. She kept refusing. Idk what happened. It was like a light switch went off. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and sliced my wrist up for the first time ever... I only cut my stomach and thighs as a teen. She came around the corner and saw what i was doing and broke a glass vase i had. She ran over and grabbed the blade. Started yanking it from me. I guess we fought over it pretty hard cuz all i remember was it flying across the room and when i got back 6 days later it was soooo bent up.

She kept going and going and i grabbed a piece of glass and cut, she got it away and i just collapsed to the floor. She tried hugging me. I screamed at her for being toxic for me. To not touch me. To just call my mom. My mom shows up. Its like 11:30 at night at this point and she freaks out. My ex starts shit with her. They argue. I scream at them that they needed to stop and mom took me to the er. I guess by that point i was in and out of consciousness. One thing i do remember was seeing an old teacher that i had from yearrrrs ago when i went to a vocational school to become a certified nurse aid. I really looked up to her at 17. Admired her. She was a Dr there in the er. It was humialting. I cried. I guess i pissed in a cup for em or something. I don't remember. But they told my mom (which i didn't find out till almost a week later) that i was overdosing. That all of what i took hadn't caught up and that's why i was talking really crazy and blacking out. I don't remember. But the next morning i wake up. There was a cop sitting next to my bed. 20 mins later im being handcuffed and put in a cruiser and drove over a hr to a phych place. Guess the dr asked me the night before what would happen if i went home and i said i didn't know. So they legally put me there for 5 days so i couldn't be any harm to myself.

5 good things about being put there.

1. I had no access to pills, alcohol, even cigarettes. So i was very very clear headed. The first time in almost 6 years. Had time to think about where tf my life has landed me.

2. I realized how fucking truly bad our relationship was. And came to the conclusion that if we stayed together. One, if not both of us was gonna end up in a casket. Whether it be from pills or not. It was gonna happen.

3. I realized that i deserved wayyyy better. Relationship wise. Life wise. I deserved someone who could push me in the healthy direction. Make positive choices. I felt like instead of maturing, i was still trapped in an 18 yr olds mentality.

4. I ended it. And that time i meant it. There's nothing she could offer me. That would make me go back. Not a million dollars, not a billion, not even all the stars in the sky. I have nothing for her.

5. I met someone who treats me amazing now. Who pushes me. Keeps me away from the shit. I've been pain pill free for 5 months and its staying that way.

And for once... I'm starting to actually feel happy. Genuinely. I was prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety, and a sleep disorder med. I stopped taking the anti depressants because they made it worse. But im to the point where the good days finally out weigh the bad. And when the bad come, i roll with it.

For the new year. I have a few goals.

1. Continue all the hard work ive put into myself. Keep eating healthy. Keep exercising. Keep pushing myself forward. No more settling for less what what i truly want.

2. Stay tf away from pain pills. 👍 keep fighting that demon in me who whispers how good I would feel or how one wouldn't hurt...

3. Quit smoking cigs. They're killing me. My lungs hurt all the time.

4. Continue bettering my life. I got away from her for 4 months and i had my own home, vehicle, and a high paying easy job. Brought her back for a month, had a suicidal moment. But she's gone and im in a great relationship. And I'm fucking HAPPY!

5. Quit being so fucking hard on myself. I hate the way i look, i hate my body. But they can be changed. Stress over things that need it but relax more. I'm 24. I still have time.

I STILL HAVE FUCKIN TIME

#mine #personal #journal #diary #dear diary #my diary #my words #my escape #my post #getting better #one step at a time

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insarations · 6 years

Text

these are actually hella fucking cute y’all

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? oh yes :) but gotta get me some hot chocolate or blanket

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? usually just a scrap of paper or whatevers close

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? i put soy milk and sugar in my coffee....just sugar in tea

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? ya :/ well at least if my mouth is open...I have terrible teeth

6: do you keep plants? no

7: do you name your plants? noo lol

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? painting/drawing/crafting..sometimes writing or poetry

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? very much

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? usually side, sometimes back

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends? too many to name

12: what's your favorite planet? hmm...never thought about it strangely. saturn for looks. but mars cause idk..it holds the most possibility

13: what's something that made you smile today? my cats

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? uhhh....idk

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! A day on Venus is actually longer than a year on Venus... wrap your head around that ;)

16: what's your favorite pasta dish? ooooh all of them lol but probably lasagna... ooh or alfredo

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? just darker...dark brown or black

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up when i made us play hide n seek in a hotel room and i hid behind a curtain. or when i peed on my friends foot cause she got stung by a jellyfish XD

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I used to :/ I dont' really anymore..probably should

20: what's your favorite eye color? um idk really it depends on the person..I usually like brown or blue. not that green isn't nice but again depends on the person lol

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. ugh I really don't use bags or purses or anything like that much. currently my black vans drawstring

22: are you a morning person? nah, never will be. i'm used to getting up early but still hate it

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? SLEEP

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? yes..a few people

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? umm i dont think ive broken into anywhere

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? i got rid of all my own shoes but the ones ive had a while i wear the most are my black slipon vans

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor? mint

28: sunrise or sunset? sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? only she could do it, cant even explain lol

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? more than a few times

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I LOVE SOCKS lol absolutely not all white socks. I like fun patterned socks..especially my vans no shows... sometimes sleep with them on

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. oh gosh dont let me start

33: what's your fave pastry? uggghh too many. recently something amazing I tried... lobster tails from carlos bakery. but really..any pastry lol

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? lots of them. the main one I can think of is a small little grungy horse named Wickee lol...got him at this amusement park called Wickee Watchee... idk where he is atm :/

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? ooooooh yesssss...from time to time

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now? 21 pilots

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I mean I like it clean.... but it's messy most the time anyways lol

38: tell us about your pet peeves! ugh so many. the #1 thing probably is when I'm walking like in a store and someone just stops right in front of me..like i'm tryna get somewhere please move haha but otherwise I just had selfish spoiled people and attitudes and people who think they're better than everyone else

39: what color do you wear the most? black and gray

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you? um honestly I don't have any jewelry besides my liprings. There is this necklace that was my grandmas but I don't really wear it anymore

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving? It's called Pawn by Robin Roseau

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Starbucks. it's amazing. it's life. that is all.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? this girl

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? um hmm on and off lately and I think i'm getting there again...but probably really completely like...last spring

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? as much and often as I can

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. oh you don't want me to do that

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? donald trump. oh food. hahahahah omg. i thought it said thing. hahahaha. i cant even answer now.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? roaches. yes still same. I HATE THEM

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? eh neither like or dislike..rarely ever buy cds never records. But I did recently buy the Gwen Stefani Christmas album ;)

50: what's an odd thing you collect? nothing really odd. oh well.... unique boxes. I guess thats strange lol

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? so many songs.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? uh hmm.. probably the spongebob mocking one lol

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? honestly..dont kill me...no

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? myself XD

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? gotten out of the car and walked a mile home XD

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? just being genuine and truthful and sweet and trying to be funny even if you're not really

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? BEAUTIFUL. I didnt actually listen but I did in my head. BEAUTIFUL SONG

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? uhhhh..... dont really have a group of friends XD

59: what's your favorite myth? hmm too much thinking

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? depends, most the time...the Footprints poem

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received? given um...idk I used to get a buncha stuff from the dollar store for my fam every year lol received? a rock from my ex bf -_-

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nah not really a juice person

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? yes organized

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? black

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? yesss....

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? uhhh eh..not for me

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? either calm or sad or sleepy or a combo

68: what's winter like where you live? it's florida. not usually cold. this week is as cold as it gets...low is like 38 but usually it doesnt even get there

69: what are your favorite board games? clue, monopoly is alright too

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no

71: what's your favorite kind of tea? not huge on tea but I like mint, or something fruity like berry or lemon or peach

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? with certain things

73: what are some of your worst habits? leaving drinks or bottles half finished out or like letting my room get messy

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. funny. sarcastic. sometimes an asshole. good time. gorgeous. fun.

75: tell us about your pets! They're two cats, sister, Lamb and Rue...they're 2 and 1/2 years old..and sweet and mischevious and fluffy and soft and cuteeee and I love them more than anything

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? not really

77: pink or yellow lemonade? dont really like lemonade much but they dont make much a difference to me

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? fanclub :)

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? wrote a song for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white..nah I didnt choose

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. honestly my minds going black lol im tired

82: are/were you good in school? yes for the most part..had my moments but overall good

83: what's some of your favorite album art? so many I could name. coldplays is always really colorful and abstracty. and imagine dragons.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? already have two. want a lot more..too much to name and i dont even know still what all i want

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? nah

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? YAS. many. but first came to mind, Skillets Rise

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Silver Linings Playbook. Paper Towns. Shrek. All the disney movies. Avatar. Wizard of Oz. many more

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? all of them haha... pop art, impressionism, renaissance..just all of it all special in they're own way

89: are you close to your parents? eh idk i cant explain..neither close nor distant. like we live together and talk alot but not really the close relationship as some do..im very different from them

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Knoxville. the city I went to college in... interesting place with lots to do..best of both worlds. beautiful mountains and hills and views. but also the downtown areas are cool..lots of fun stuff

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? going to savannah ga for my bday. not sure where else yet but i'm sure there will be other places. i'd really like to go to phoenix..boston..new orleans..california..portland ugh so many places

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? CHEESE AF

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most? just up in a bun which is boring but its too messy and long to put up with lol

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my dad

95: what are your plans for this weekend? nothing really so far. probably will go to lunch or something with my friend

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? procrastinate

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? myer briggs- INFJ (advocate) sign- aquarius house- ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? legitimately...like 3 years ago...hated it...too much walking and pain XD

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. ugh sooooooooooo many. pretty much any song by skillet or gwen stefani/no doubt recently..dusk till dawn by sia, new rules by dua lipa... also songs by ben howard..lots of indie stuff

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 into the future... i've already lived my past, and i've made a lot of progress...wanna jump to even more progress hopefully

#survey #survey questions #random survey #cute questions #many questions #random questions

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fukuronamidrafts · 4 years

Text

Suna Rintaro did not know how to respond when his best friend, Miya Osamu, had confessed to him earlier today after their graduation ceremony. Comebacks and witty remarks usually came easy to Rintaro, but matters of the heart are an entirely new thing for him. Not that he had a hard time showing his sincere emotions, he just did not know how to accept such feelings even though he felt the same way for him for quite a long time now. The culprit was his own doubts and pessimism towards himself.

"You don't.. have to give me an answer right away. I’d be willing to wait." Osamu had said when he saw the hesitation on Rintaro's face. This was much appreciated, as he needed the time to properly think without getting carried away by his emotions.

Rintaro was sprawled out on his bed, hand hovering over his phone's keyboard, trying to think of a proper reply. Tens of minutes have passed and he was still staring at Osamu's chat box, the message line ticking as if beckoning him to finally confess that he reciprocated his feelings and he also wanted to be more than friends. However, doubts once again clouded his mind. He knew to himself what kind of person he is, and he feared that he was not the one who could truly make Osamu happy. Thoughts were loud in his head once more as he debated with himself.

Osamu was pacing around his room, fidgeting with his phone. Dammit. Maybe I shouldn't have confessed. I definitely should not have confessed. What if this ruins our friendship? His thoughts were interrupted when his phone suddenly made a notification sound. With sweaty, shaking hands, he peeked at his phone, scared to face the reality of reading Rintaro's reply. He breathed in and out to calm himself before he opened the message that Rintaro sent. It was a song. Curiously, he pressed play. As the song played, he wondered why Rintaro would suddenly just send a song recommendation after everything that happened that day. It was only when the chorus hit when he understood Rintaro’s intention for sending the song;

If you could you keep it together

For a moment in time

Then you'd see that I'd be

Your excuse for a lover

Your own mountain to climb

You would see

As he heard those lyrics, he felt a pang in his chest. Osamu got the message that Rintaro was trying to say. It pained him to know that the person he loved thought of himself as a challenge, as a person who is hard to love. This was the reason for Rintaro's hesitation. Instead of discouraging Osamu however, this just made him all the more determined to prove that he loves Rintaro as he is, flaws and all.

It took him a while to think of how to reply to Rintaro. Once he made up his mind, he was confident that his message would get through. It's now or never, 'Samu. he thought to himself. With a nervous hand, he pressed send.

Rintaro was just staring at the ceiling, thoughts racing, when his phone vibrated. A smile formed itself on his face when he saw that he was replied to with a song as well.

I'd like to walk around in your mind someday

I’d like to run and jump on your solitude

You say you just want peace and to never hurt anyone

You see the end before the beginning has ever begun

I would disturb your easy tranquillity

I'd turn away the sad impossibility of your smile

I'd sit there in the sun of the things I like about you

I'd sing my songs and find out just what they mean to you

He listened intently and the smile on his face grew.

It was Osamu saying that he wanted to be part of his life. It was a stubborn love letter ensuring him that despite everything Rintaro thought about himself, he'd still want to be by his side through it all. It was a warm, beautiful welcome into his embrace. Message received.

II.

"So there's this new song I discovered the other day," Osamu looked at Rintaro who was excitedly going through his phone's music library, searching for the new-found song, "and I think you'd love it."

They had just finished a simple picnic in a secluded area of the nearby park, and were lying down on a blanket spread across the grass. Hours were spent just talking about anything and everything. Both were so engrossed in their conversation that neither realized that the moon had already started to brightly shine upon them. Even if they had already been dating for 2 years, they never ran out of things to talk about.

"Ah, found it." Rintaro exclaimed. "Here," he offered the left side of his earphones to Osamu who lovingly took it and placed it in his ear. As the song started to play, Rintaro rested his head on Osamu's chest, one ear listening to the song, the other listening to his love's heartbeat. The way the soft instruments formed its harmony made it a magical kind of song. Osamu wrapped his arms around Rintaro, who in turn smiled as he felt secure being in his embrace.

Sit down beside me and stay a while

Let our hearts do their parts

With wine and words to meet the hours

So the day never starts

Cause that's what I want

That's what we need

Sit down beside me and stay awhile

Till we're old and grey

Till we've got nothing left to say

Osamu stared up at the night sky with a content smile on his face. The stars seemed to sparkle a bit brighter that night. All he wanted was to remain in this moment of pure bliss, holding the love of his life tight in his arms, relishing in the melody of the song softly playing through shared earphones. Osamu would not mind it if the night went on forever and tomorrow never came.

III.

It has been almost a week since there was tension between the two of them. An argument over some trivial matter had turned into a full-on petty fight in which Rintaro kept deflecting, or at least in Osamu's point of view. They were no stranger to arguments, but recently Rintaro was so volatile and Osamu felt it without a doubt. "Why're you even bringing that up when that ain't even the issue at hand, Rin?" Osamu raised his voice a bit too much, which Rintaro rolled his eyes at. "You just really don't get it, do you? What I'm trying to say is that you don't even try to understand me sometimes." Rintaro said in irritation, giving up on trying to make Osamu see his point. He hated leaving an argument unfinished, feeling as if it's a loss on his part, but he really just had no energy to talk any longer.

Before Osamu could retort, he got his jacket and keys and stormed out of their shared apartment, loudly slamming the door to make sure that Osamu knew that he was still frustrated even if he was the first one to back down in the argument.

It has almost been a week since that fight. Osamu couldn't bear the cold atmosphere anymore. When Rintaro had left him alone in their apartment the night of the fight, he took the time to mull things over especially Rintaro's words which rang in his mind over and over. Upon realizing what Rin was trying to get through to him, he immediately tried to think of a way to fix things.

Rintaro had his eyes closed as he was on the train ride home to their apartment, tired from the exhausting volleyball practice. His phone vibrated signaling that he received a new message. With eyes still closed, he brought out his phone to see what it was, and his face soured seeing that it was a message from Osamu. He opened it anyway. It was a link to a song. Rintaro rolled his eyes at this, but he was also eager to listen to the song.

He was awfully tired and wanted to sleep in silence but he knew that in their relationship, sharing of songs was an act of love and was always more than they seemed. The volleyball player put on his earphones and pressed play on the unfamiliar song. He focused on the lyrics;

I'm sorry

Two words I always think

After you're gone

When I realize, I was acting all wrong

So selfish

Two words that could describe

Oh, actions of mine

When patience is in short supply

We don't need to say goodbye

We don't need to fight and cry

Oh, we, we could

Hold each other tight, tonight

He gave a small laugh. Such a cheesy move, he thought. Yet he smiled all the way home with the song on repeat.

"Is this really your way of trying to apologize?" Rintaro tried his best to retain a hardened facade though deep inside he felt soft because of his love's gifts. His pride would not allow himself to give in, especially after an intense fight. Four pieces of his favorite variation of onigiri were masterfully crafted and plated in front of him, along with his favorite jelly sticks wrapped with a bow like a bouquet. "Well.." Osamu rubbed the back of his neck while trying to find the words to say. This small gesture of his was all it took for Rintaro's facade to falter and he shattered into laughter. It was just too cute for him to bear. Rintaro gave him a warm hug, one which Osamu had definitely missed, and so he hugged him back with a firm yet loving grip. "I'm sorry too. I could have handled things better." it was almost a whisper, but Osamu caught every single genuine word. He wanted to stay like this a bit longer but Rintaro released himself from the hug. "We better eat these onigiri before they get cold, 'Samu.", he gave the chef a warm smile.

IV.

Being in the pro league is way different from highschool volleyball. The training regimen was far harsher and more vigorous. Add to that, the coaches had less mercy. Unfortunately for Rintaro, today was an off day for him and he got called out numerous times.

He knew better than to punch his locker out of frustration, as his hands were an asset now after all. With a stifled scream, he threw his towel at the locker room’s floor and resigned himself to the bench nearby. The negativity for himself that he always bore started to cloud his mind again. He started spiraling down his dark state of mind when his phone rang. The interruption almost made him throw his phone at the wall but he caught himself before he did anything rash. Of course, it was Osamu. Rintaro accepted the call and remained silent as he waited for Osamu to speak first.

The other line stayed silent for a while. “..Off day today?” Osamu finally said in a gentle voice. They had been together for almost 5 years now, and it still amazes Rintaro how Osamu could read him even though he knew for a fact that he was unreadable. This didn’t change how he was tired and irritated at himself though. Rintaro remained silent, not wanting to admit that his guess was right. Instead, a deep sigh confirmed it. At this point, Osamu knew better than to talk any more than necessary, but also not to withdraw in saying the reason why he called. He knew that this would only add to Rintaro’s annoyance. “I heard a song on the radio today while I was having a break. It reminded me of you. I’ll prepare dinner tonight, your favorite.” Osamu made sure to make his points concise. Rintaro appreciated how much Osamu understood him now during the times when he felt down. A small hum was all he could muster at the moment. “Stay safe on the way home.”, the gentleness in Osamu’s voice soothed him much more than he was willing to admit. “You too.”, he replied.

Osamu sent a link to the song which he referred to a while ago. With earphones on, Rintaro listened to it, leaning his head full of heavy thoughts on the locker behind him.

No one else can make me feel

The colors that you bring

Stay with me while we grow old

And we will live each day in springtime

'Cause lovin' you is easy 'cause you're beautiful

And every day of my life is filled with lovin' you

He couldn’t help but smile at how Osamu always made him feel loved. His mind got a bit clearer knowing that the love of his life is always there to support him everyday.

Osamu was in the middle of preparing to close up the restaurant when he got a text from Rintaro. “Can’t wait for dinner.”, it read. Osamu smiled.

Their 5 years of being together was definitely a ride with unexpected twists and turns. Arguments often erupted but they always made up. Rintaro knew that deep inside, it was because he was just the type of person who could never make a relationship work.

Their last quarrel was different from anything they had all these years. It was a calm quarrel, which was actually scarier than their heated arguments. Both were just already so tired, not of each other, but of just being together. There was a difference and both of them understood it well. Rintaro was the one who initiated that both of them go their separate ways. I knew this would happen. Better to end it sooner than later, he thought regretfully. Rintaro wanted time away from Osamu, and Osamu respected this.

It was only after a week that Osamu realized that he didn't actually want to break up, and that he still wanted to be by Rintaro's side no matter what. However, he kept in mind Rintaro's wishes. Though the pain was like a million knives stabbing him over and over, he refrained from contacting Rintaro.

Osamu had already lost track of the months of stillness between them. He used to take notice of the days because of the constant itch to check his phone for new messages everyday. As each day passed, his disappointment grew, along with the longing to hear from Suna again. Those days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, and those painful months felt so stretched out that it blurred his concept of time.

It was around 8 pm as Onigiri Miya's final customers for the day headed out the door, thanking the chef for the meal. The employees cleaned up and then prepared for closing. Osamu bid the employees a safe trip home as he did the final preparations to close his restaurant.

After a few minutes, he closed the lights and headed out. As he locked the front door, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He nonchalantly fished it out, thinking it was just Atsumu and his usual antics. However, his eyes widened when he saw the name on the bright display. Rin. His heart started racing and his head was suddenly full of thoughts. It was what he had been waiting for all this time, and yet he did not know how to react once he finally had it. The shock made him slightly lightheaded and so he sat on the footsteps of Onigiri Miya, eager to read what his silent lover had finally sent. It was a song file with a title he was unfamiliar with. Nothing more, nothing less. The cool night breeze ruffled his dark hair and he shuddered as he stared at the play button. For some reason, it made him uneasy.

The song started out with soft piano notes, then an accompaniment. Rintaro had sent an instrumental. Osamu gently scoffed, thinking how it was like a cruel joke that Rintaro would send an instrumental piece after months of silence. It was as if even in song, Rintaro still did not want to speak. His attention was brought back to the song when violins joined the harmony. He smiled. Rintaro knew that Osamu loved the elegant, silky sounds that only violins could make. It was a gentle, simple song yet it stirred in him different emotions which clashed and fought each other. However, the sweet melancholy was the one which prevailed. He felt his chest tighten. This was not a new feeling these past few months, yet it is a feeling that he will never get used to.

When the final notes marched off into the distance, finally becoming white noise, he breathed out. The pain of the pent up silence manifested itself into tears that welled up in his eyes. With a pained, bittersweet smile, he looked up at the night sky which now seemed to sparkle less that it had before. He stared at the vast sea of stars above him as he made peace with the realization that the song was not a mere recommendation. Though there were no words, the message was clear.

It was Rintaro saying that he is grateful for the past 5 years. It was a sincere apology for failing to keep their promise of working through things no matter how difficult the circumstances became. It was his love's beautiful, final goodbye. Message received.

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getanattitude · 4 years

Text

15 Weird Hobbies That'll Make You Better at best keyboard for learning piano

“THE more you dig into a bit of Ives, the greater pleasure you will get from it,” the pianist Jeremy Denk reported just lately, sitting at a piano within a rehearsal space for the Juilliard School. “It’s like fixing a puzzle.”

Then he enthusiastically deconstructed Ives’s “Concord” Sonata, untangling and describing the themes and motifs embedded in the complicated textures of this fascinating rating.

Mr. Denk is about to release a disc, “Jeremy Denk Plays Ives” (Assume Denk Media), featuring two piano sonatas, an esoteric selection of repertory for any debut solo album. But then, there's nothing generic concerning this adventurous musician. His vivacious intellect is manifest both equally in his actively playing and on his site, Consider Denk, an outlet for astute musical observations and witty musings, irrespective of whether a lament about inedible meatballs or even a spoof interview with Sarah Palin.

Mr. Denk will show his far more mainstream credentials when he performs Liszt’s Piano Concerto No. one with Charles Dutoit plus the Philadelphia Orchestra commencing on Thursday for the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia and on Oct. twelve at Carnegie Hall.

Mr. Denk argues that the Ives sonatas, composed early in the twentieth century, are mistakenly categorized as avant-garde performs as an alternative to “epic Passionate sonatas with Lisztian thematic transformations.” To your informal listener, the music that Mr. Denk describes inside the CD booklet as “good, inventive, tender, edgy, wild, primary, witty, haunting” can undoubtedly audio avant-garde. Ives, who built his living in the insurance plan organization, incorporated jazz, riffs on Beethoven and American hymns, marches and folk songs into his daringly experimental piano sonatas, rich in polytonality, thematic layering and rhythmic complexity.

“It’s so beautifully in-your-experience,” Mr. Denk reported, demonstrating a particularly maniacal passage in the “Concord” Sonata. “It’s also fairly incredibly unsightly. There is something maddening about his humorousness. Ives is constantly thumbing his nose at you in a means.”

But Mr. Denk suggests that Ives’s tenderness, which he illuminates beautifully in this recording, is underappreciated. “Ives is often about points recalled,” he reported, “or Recollections or visions fetched from some complicated spot.”

He performed the harmonically misty passages in the second movement from the “Concord,” wherever Ives directs that a piece of wood be pressed over the upper keys to generate a cluster chord. “It doesn’t experience gimmicky in the least to me,” Mr. Denk stated. “It’s all blues in the bottom. Ives realized the best way to use People little clichéd bits of Americana in a method that all of a sudden receives your gut. It is possible to’t consider how touching it really is.”

Mr. Denk, forty, continues to be keen about Ives due to the fact his undergraduate days at Oberlin in Ohio, wherever he carried a double important in piano overall performance and chemistry. “My total double diploma knowledge was to some degree of the constant freakout of one style of An additional,” he explained.

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He had been a “genuinely nerdy high school university student” with a constrained social existence, he stated. “Ever considering that I used to be A child I desired to check out Oberlin and desired the liberal arts. Definitely I really get intense satisfaction out of drawing connections involving pieces and poems and literature and ideas.”

Mr. Denk explained himself for a “practice maniac,” but his horizons have extended much outside of the exercise place because Oberlin. Although nibbling an unlimited piece of chocolate cream pie at an Upper West Facet diner near the condominium he has rented given that around 1999, Mr. Denk referred to his website, calling it “an surprisingly superior outlet to launch tensions of 1 sort or An additional.” He stated it had drawn new listeners to his concert events. An avid reader of liberal political weblogs, Mr. Denk goals of writing a classical audio Variation of Wonkette, he said, but that would be difficult to do without the need of offending men and women. And he attempts to stay clear of offending individuals, he added, however he did not too long ago post a rant about method notes.

Mr. Denk, who calls himself “a true Francophile,” is tender-spoken but rigorous, his dialogue peppered with references to numerous “obsessions”: espresso, Ives, Bach, Proust, Baudelaire and Emerson.

He went off on “a Balzac mania” a few years back, he stated.

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“That was a perilous time, and almost everything in life appeared drawn from a Balzac novel,” he additional. “I shed about three decades of my life to Proust. I’m confident it changed almost everything, which includes my enjoying.

“In the future my manager was like, ‘Dude, You need to center on your career and acquiring your stuff collectively.’ ” At that time, Mr. Denk said, “I had been bringing Proust to meetings.” He added: “I’m not sure I actually experienced a profession route. I had been just doing my weird thing, which most likely appeared like a disastrous nonroute to a lot of the folks who ended up watching more than me. I don't forget some exasperated conferences with my administration, However they had been extremely patient and devoted, which I’m insanely grateful for.”

Mr. Denk grew up in Las Cruces, N.M., considered one of two brothers, a son of songs-loving nonmusician mothers and fathers. His father, who may have a doctorate in chemistry, is (at different instances) a Roman Catholic monk plus a director of Personal computer science at New Mexico State College.

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Mr. Denk remains addicted to the chili peppers of Las Cruces, he stated, seemingly only fifty percent joking: “The red along with the eco-friendly and The full spirituality of chili peppers. It’s even now a big A part of my everyday living. Once i go house I visit this serious dive and obsess more than their green meat burrito.”

When not on tour, Mr. Denk spends time together with his boyfriend, Patrick Posey, a saxophonist as well as director of orchestral functions and scheduling at Juilliard, where Mr. Denk received his doctorate, studying with Herbert Stessin. Mr. Stessin remembers having been amazed by “the maturity and depth” of Mr. Denk’s actively playing and remembers him as “a unprecedented scholar who absorbed items pretty rapidly.”

Mr. Denk said he “was in school eternally” until eventually “in some unspecified time in the future I made a decision to rely on my very own instincts.” Now he teaches double-diploma undergraduates with the Bard School Conservatory of New music. The pianist Allegra Chapman, who examined with him, said he was “concerned with a great deal greater than the notes to the webpage, always bringing up literary and historical references.”

“Now I attempt to method tunes in a additional holistic point of view,” she included. “He is very passionate. He accustomed to leap throughout the room and bounce about and wave his arms. It was genuinely pleasurable. He attempted to get me to think about the new music with a sense of humor.”

This combination of passion, humor and intellect, so vivid in both equally Mr. Denk’s taking part in and his composing, is exactly what distinguishes him, based on the violinist Joshua Bell. The 2 are actually regular duo associates considering the fact that 2004, when they performed at the Spoleto Festival United states.

“You get the intellectual musicians or people that don their heart on their own sleeve with no wide range of musical assumed,” Mr. Bell explained, “but Jeremy manages to accomplish both equally, and that’s best. Now we have an abundance of arguments in rehearsal, that's the pleasurable portion in addition. The fact we don’t usually see eye to eye retains factors refreshing and would make me issue anything I do.”

Mr. Bell, whose choices of repertory tend to be far more regular than Individuals of his much more adventurous colleague, reported he wasn’t normally an Ives supporter: “That has a good deal of recent audio I’m somewhat cautious. Despite Ives, right until I read Jeremy. He just provides it alive. He has these kinds of an awesome imagination, and nothing at all is done randomly.”

Ives’s piano sonatas, Mr. Denk explained, “are in a way like animals that don’t want to be tamed.”

“Just about every functionality should be so various,” he additional, a single explanation he was originally hesitant to report them. Like Bach, he reported, Ives leaves quite a bit towards the performer’s creativity.

A wonderful interpretation of your “Goldberg” Variations at Symphony House in 2008 uncovered Mr. Denk’s profound affinity with Bach. Mr. Denk will complete the perform and Guides one and a pair of of Ligeti’s Études at Zankel Corridor on Feb. sixteen.

To maintain the “Goldberg” Variants fresh new, Mr. Denk is incorporating new fingerings, he reported, “to reactivate the relationship in between my brain and my fingers when I’m playing it.”

“I think it’s an actual magical area When you've got the muscle memory,” he additional, “though the Mind is in advance in the fingers.”

Altering the fingerings is one method to stay clear of routine, he reported. “I get real enjoyment outside of crafting in an extremely excellent fingering. It's like relearning the piece, and it makes you not just take any Observe without any consideration.”

The musical philosophy Mr. Denk relates to Bach, Ives together with other repertory is probably most effective summed up in that site put up on application notes: “I’ve never ever been an enormous admirer on the ‘Think about how revolutionary this piece was when it was prepared’ faculty of inspiration. For my dollars, it ought to be groundbreaking now. (And it is actually.) Whichever else the composer may have intended, he / she didn’t want you to Feel, ‘Boy, that should are already interesting again then.’ The most basic compositional intent, absolutely the ur-intent, is you Enjoy it now, you help it become happen now.”

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moonlightbewitched · 5 years

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Kirk Hammett: Can I just say one thing? What Black Sabbath was to that time era and to movies like Black Sabbath and all those crazy Hammer and early ‘70s horror films, I think the modern equivalent is Ghost and movies like The Conjuring and The Nun and Annabelle. I think Ghost is connected to all these great modern horror movies that are coming out. I might be just totally full of it, but that parallel that I’m drawing really is cool because I love this band, I love those movies and it’s a way of like bringing ‘em all together and celebrating all I love which is, you know, the dark!

Tobias Forge: I guess that would be very natural, and quite logical to think that. Going further, if we parallel-compare the horror genre with metal, not only are they alike, but they are also alike because you have the creators of what instigated the horror genre that eventually led to a myriad of filmmakers essentially paying tribute to a lot of those older films. Same way that metal was created by people originally playing blues and funk music who then stumbled into making metal, and then all the metal bands that came after that are in a way, unfortunately dogmatically, sometimes just paying tribute to other bands.

I come from a death metal underground, and it’s basically full of horror name dropping! I know that a lot of classic films made back in the ‘60s and ‘70s, especially in the ‘70s, were inspired by previous horror/thriller makers. Obviously Hitchcock influenced others, Terrance Fisher…

KH: …Tod Browning…

TF: Absolutely! Fast forward to the ‘80s, and especially in the ‘90s and the 2000s. I think a lot of contemporary filmmakers who grew up in the VHS digital violence era, such as myself, caused the genre in its totality to maybe suffer from being too much of a homage. All the time there’s weird, eclectic little references, and then you sort of outsmart yourself and the whole project by just making it too true to the genre in a way. Whereas I think a lot of the groundbreaking films were made by people who didn’t necessarily do a whole lot of horror films, but were filmmakers in general. Stanley Kubrick is the classic example of that with The Shining.

KH: I was actually watching it myself (again, I’ve seen it many, many times) about a month ago. The most interesting thing with The Shining [movie] is that Stephen King doesn’t like it. And you know, I totally get that because having read the book and seen the movie more times than I read the book, they’re two different entities. But they totally somehow relate in the weirdest way, they both hold their own ground as artistic statements. Yeah, you’re getting a different story with the movie, but it’s shot so well and is so creepy [that] it touches on the atmosphere, environment and range of emotions Stephen King was shooting for, I believe. And it doesn’t follow the plot, it goes somewhere completely different with a completely different end, but it’s a great fucking movie and Jack Nicholson is just amazing in it. I mean, it goes without saying.

TF: One thing that I think is for me another key to not only that film but Kubrick’s films in general, [is that] as a good filmmaker, I think you need to pay attention to everything from dialogue to special effects to realism. Angles, details.

That makes me put him on a pedestal, whereas I think this is the problem a little bit with the horror film genre horror, it came to be a mass producing sort of genre, where a lot of the filmmakers are not necessarily interested in [that].

KH: And it’s the writing…

TF: There’re so many things…

KH: The costuming. It’s just crazy.

TF: Yes. The entire craft. And obviously he was -as everyone remotely interested in film knows – he [Kubrick] was a stickler for details, and I very much admire that. Where you have a lot of films, especially in the horror genre, that are entertaining but a filmmaker who maybe technically can make a film but is more interested in the special effects, or the nudity. And you see them phoning in a lot of the things “in between,” especially dialogue and the credibility of the character. Whereas Kubrick was so spot on.

KH: I think that point of the filmmaker as an artist not always embedded in making an obvious horror movie is so key. My attention lately has been gone to that book and movie Lord of the Flies, because I have two young boys and somehow or another we got on the subject of that book. I was telling them how I read it when I was ten years old and [how] it’s really an important book for them to read because it shows the importance of culture, social norms, rules and regulations, what it means to live in a civilized society and what happens when all that just disappears. How things tend to turn to savagery. I realized that when I saw that film I was about ten or eleven, [and] it scared the living shit out of me as much as any horror movie I’d seen at that point. Especially the whole thing with Piggy and the monster. It was intense. So I would have to say, Lord of the Flies, the original one from ’63, [the] black and white version is intense and a real suspenseful horror film in disguise. It’s not even in disguise, it is a horror film to me.

TF: Especially if you see it as a kid, it’s terrifying just because…

KH: …because you think, “Oh, that can happen to me!”

TF: It definitely touches upon…

KH: …parenting!

TF: I know, going to camp, being at school.

KH: Adulthood, you know?

TF: Ironically that film, even though I’ve seen the old film, the remake of it came right about when I was about ten, in maybe ’89? That was the first one I saw, and then I saw the older one because it was on TV not very far in time after that. And it’s one of those films I don’t want to see again, because it made me feel so bad. I have a lot of those.

KH: Yeah, there’s a few films that I feel that [about] way too. Another unintentional horror film that scared the living hell out of me when I was a kid, [was] Sam Peckinpah’s Straw Dogs. An intense film. Almost, almost a slasher film. You know, predates that whole genre, but the violence in that film hits on such a deep emotional level that, yeah, that’s one I won’t watch again.

TF: Can I just throw in there a film I wanted to flag that genuinely made me fucking squirm, was a film from the ‘70s called Alice, Sweet Alice.

KH: Oh, I remember that one, yeah!

TF: It was an American film and I guess technically it’s a little bit of a slasher, but as [with] many films that I like, they don’t contain a ton of motives. It’s set outside New York, New Jersey maybe, mid-‘70s. Weather’s shit all the time. The environment is kinda like, uggh. And it’s just one of those films that also makes me… I like it. I like my memory of it. But I don’t want to see it again because it’s like so creepy. It smells.

KH: Yeah, it smells and you can’t really get it off. I know that feeling.

KH: Okay, let’s talk about the devil for a minute. The whole thing with the devil, how I see old Beelzebub, is actually the God bot. He was actually the god Pan, the pagan god Pan that the Christians took and basically used as the model for Satan, you know, a horned person with goat’s legs [and] whatever. So that in itself kinda muddies the waters for me, because every time I see a picture of Satan, I’m like, “Cool, fucking Satan” but in the back of my mind [it’s] Pan or Bacchus. That’s why I wear Satanic shirts all the time; I’m not wearing it for the sake of Satan, I’m wearing it for the sake of Pan or Bacchus, that’s what I’m really doing. And so having said that, for me, the ultimate devil movie, the ultimate Satan movie of all time that really hit me fucking deep and I thought I was gonna burn in hell after watching it, is The Exorcist. I mean, that is like the ultimate fucking devil shit. What can I say, I was a Catholic schoolboy when I saw it. I thought he was coming for me next. I thought I was gonna be possessed because of all the bad shit I did when I was a Catholic schoolboy. I just, I thought I had a big mark on my head. For six months after seeing that film I had to sleep with the lights on.

TF: I have a few favorite cult films, The Exorcist being one. I love the fact that even though the devil is present, he/she only really appears at one moment, really. He is not this ever present sort of monster that they would’ve done in many films today, this CGI sort of person that does way too much [in the way of] interaction.

KH: You have a total point there, and horror films are totally guilty of exactly that, Satan interacting way more than is realistic.

TF: Yeah, and that’s something that I really like about The Omen as well. The Omen I, II, III, up until the ending of …III, is one of my favorite sort of series when it comes to pure satanic horror. Up until the ending, because that’s when someone [was] just like, “Wait a minute, are we selling this point that this devil is-?” No, no, no, no, no! God’s hand just came down, and that’s the ending. It’s like the biggest fucking cock-block ever!

KH: Yeah. It’s like running into a brick wall. You have a point there. But you know, I think they had to do that or else we’d be seeing The Omen 12, The Omen 13, The Omen 14…

TF: Well, there was four.

KH: I remember seeing the ad for it, but you know, by that point it’s like, Omen IV?! Ah, you know…when sequels start going up past three, usually other groups and other parties [have] come in, other different creative entities, or a studio’s trying to keep something afloat or revive it somehow.

TF: However I must throw one “four” in there that is actually my favorite of a series, and that’s actually Friday the 13th IV.

It picks you up right after number three, it starts horrifically and it has all the good components of that whole series, in my opinion. I think three is cool but Four was like that multiplied. And that’s when you had all the ingredients, Jason had his mask, he wasn’t too fucked up, and, yeah. I think that there is a four.

So OK, at this point time was starting to run away from us and we had gig stuff to get on with, so we agreed to pick up this chat in August and as we were about to get up, someone in the room asked if truth was stranger than fiction, so being good sports, we thought we’d answer that!

KH: You never know what’s gonna be true. With fiction, it’s kinda like everything is fiction in the world of fiction, but in truth, something might look true but it’s false, or something might look false and it’s true, and that’s the paradox right there. You never know what’s true until you actually break the veneer and like look. And these days, because of things like the internet, you can’t take anything at face value anymore. You cannot. It’s foolish to. It’s always good to crack the veneer [and] look a little bit deeper at what you’re actually seeing, so I would have to say that you in most cases, it’s hard to find out what the truth is. But yes, there’s been times when I’ve read or seen or found out stuff that’s been true, and no one could dream up this shit in any sort of movie or book.

TF: Just taking two examples that are currently in my head, comparing truth to fiction, especially comparing it to cinema, if you take a film like, have you seen Vice? It has nothing to do with “horror” but it’s horrific.

KH: Yeah, it’s horrific. Especially what he did to his body just to play that part.

TF: Yeah, just from a film crafting point, it’s done very well and Sam Rockwell is the best George Bush, Jr. I’ve ever seen. But imagine if that was just a made-up script. It would’ve been… you can’t make that shit up. It would’ve been a completely stupid movie! But it’s not made up, so it’s a fucking horrendous story that you need to see, it’s a fantastic film.

KH: That’s a really good point.

TF: And [in] that way, I think that the truth is definitely stranger and more horrific than fiction. Speaking of horror, I was thinking about this just today because today we are in Manchester. I took a train up from London to here, and when I was about 12 there was this horrific story that I read about that completely blew my mind, that I’m sure a lot of people especially in England remember and that was the murder of James Bulger, the little two-year-old. I think he was at the time. Four? The four-year-old at the time. And just being close to train tracks, going through England, thinking about him, it’s one of the worst things I can ever imagine. It’s heartbreaking, horrible. And even though there has been a film made about the subject, I haven’t dared to see [it] because I just can’t find myself doing it. I guess that says something about the truth being so horrifying, and to also realize that it was two kids that did this. That just makes me cry for the world and humanity, and that’s way worse than any horror film that I’ve ever seen.

As I already said a few times, to be continued!

Thanks everyone, Kirk

#ghost #the band ghost #ghost bc #tobias forge #tobias as tobias #kirk hammett #interview #text

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