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shadowdianne · 3 years

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Fic writer review [Or a fic writer tag game if you prefer]

I was tagged by @naralanis and I can already see her grin all the way from where I am xd Thank you, dear, for the tag, let’s see what are my answers, shall we.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

*bursts out laughing* Adding both pseuds I have… 535 according to the account info but by counting them all I’m reaching 541 so I’m guessing it’s counting some drafts I need to re-find.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

I seriously hated you for this one xd I was going to do it by hand by I decided one-third there that I value my mental stability a little bit more xd according to the stats page back at a03 that number would be 1257884. It may be wrong. I think there should be a few more numbers up there but the majority of my works are one-shots so *shrugs* There’s also the fact that counting my ao3 things only is shaving off like half of it Xd Anyway, can we laugh at the fact that I’m a pain in the ass and that I’ve written a lot? More than I should have, that’s for sure

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

Trick question because I haven’t crossposted everything I wrote back in ffnet and I actually erased some fics from my account back there so the numbers are a little blurry there.

When I had the entirety of my work posted both in ffnet and a03 I had written for: Twilight (Bella/Alice) Glee (Faberry and there were a couple Pezberry and I don’t fucking remember the pairing name for Santana and Quinn), Harry Potter (Hermione/Ginny, Hermione/Narcissa, Hermione/Bellatrix) OUAT (SwanQueen and several oneshots focusing on the mad hatter and the blue fairy solely back at ffnet that were written in Spanish and never translated), I actually had a veeeery old au prompt of Frozen (Elsanna in where I wrote them as non sibilings), Rizzoli and Isles (Rizzles), Dishonored 2 (Emily Kaldwin/Alexi Mayhew), Lara Croft and Wonder Woman, Supergirl (SuperCorp/Supercat) I had a 100 one -or maybe two??- (Clexa), The Shannara Chronicles (Amberle/Eretreia [Or Princess Rover], Rwby [Blake Belladona/Yang], The Worst Witch (Hecate Hardbroom and Pippa Pentangle), The Half of it, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (Madam Satan/Zelda Spellman) and… I think that’s it(?) I may be forgetting some but probably nothing important if I’m not remembering it lol.

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

Ah, we are going to go there, uh? Xd My works are not the kudos and comment getting type Xd So I was quite surprised when I went to check this.

1: Cracked it I wrote this one back in 2017, it was a prompt done by an anon: Lena is nerding with one of her projects at home, mumbling mostly to herself because she’s stuck and Kara casually mentions how to solve the problem like it’s nothing. I really had some fun with this. It was back when some us, SQeeners were fully doing the jump between OUAT and SuperGirl (I mean, there had already been some crossover as for fandom is related but this when the girls were actually getting their conjoined voice within the fandom)

2: Dateless I honestly needed to check what this one was about but I think I can see why this one shot has the amount of kudos it has. It’s a short and sweet idea and responds to the Teachers Au that went SO well with SQ. Everyone thinks they hate each other and try to set them up with other people whilst they, in truth, are dating. I don’t remember if I wrote them as married rather than dating but despite being from 2017 as well is one cheeky enough to be cool Xd I probably would edit some lines now *shudders*

3: After you I truly didn’t expect this one to be top 3. Makes me think of a lot of things, if I’m being honest Xd. After you was a one shot written almost feverishly as an answer to the fabulous drawings that Sejic did of both Lara Croft and Wonder Woman back at 2018 or something. It’s just Lara and Diana being himbos but not at all with each other.

4: How about… How about is one I remember perfectly, it was my answer to the ending of the Half of it film. I had SOME thoughts about it, let’s just stop there Xd I really liked the film itself but I think and I thought at the time that my response to wishing for a final scene at the very end of the credits responds to me being in a different personal moment than the characters. I really wanted to explore my feelings about it and so I wrote about them finding each other again after some time passes. It was also something I wrote after quite the hiatus so I took it as something I could write about without focusing too much on the why.

5: Come to me

Ahh, SuperCorp Xd I remember this one actually. A friend of mine and I were talking about descriptions, and she mentioned quite off-handedly how she wanted a fic in where Kara’s back was described. I complied… more or less.

Fun tidbit, despite the big volume of my work is obviously set in ouat there’s only 1 SQ fic there as you can see, the others are either SuperCorp or the random one shots I created for Wonderwoman/Lara Croft and The half of it. *sighs in deep thought* I’m also not going to look too much into how almost all of the fics were posted and written back in 2017. Nope, not at all.

*Small voice screaming you peaked in 2017 and everything else is garbage jumps back and forth*

5. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

I tend to always respond, yup. I truly value comments. I might have gone for spells of time in where I didn’t have the mental capacity to check in old fics because I truly didn’t know what to answer but I treasure every single comment and you all who comment know that I can start to ramble in the answers xd -sorry about that- I really really REALLY love interaction.

6. A fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending:

Ok, Nara, come on, this one is a catch for me. I’ve written angst in far too many fics to remember the angstiest one :P I have the most recent one, though, that is the easy one to think about: Goodbye.Written for @delirious-comfort. I’m just going to say “Kisses with their last dying breath” as an idea of what awaits inside but I’ve written about death and loss and angst quite a lot. There were some I wrote back to SQ with Regina needing to kill Emma during the Dark Swan arc that, to this day, I still love and some others in where Regina is the one that dies, again and again, trapped by magic while Emma watches. I have the loss in mental destruction form and… I REALLY like my angst y’know xd

7. Do you write crossovers?

Not counting Lara and Wonder Woman not really! I think it comes from the fact that I loooove worldbuilding as a whole and some pairings would require all my focus into making the world perfect which in turn would make me self conscious on the OOCness of it all.

8. Ever received hate on a fic?

*snorts* I’ve received hate due to the pairing I’ve written about, how I’ve written about it, the amount I’ve written, how slow or quick I can be, the usage of some tropes, the lack of usage of those same tropes… Let’s just go with: yuuuup.

9. Do you write smut?

I’ve written smut, yeah! But I can already see the pointed looks of some so let’s elaborate Xd I write smut when asked and sometimes when not asked but there’s a part of me I like to call a terrible tease that prefers writing the beginning of a scene, taunt it, focus on what happens before the sex scene per se as I find it more enjoyable to write. The process of escalation is always the best for me to see what can I do it by using both dialogue and descriptors tbh, so I tend to tease more than show.

9. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

A few weeks ago I’d have said: Maybe(?) But trying to follow the trail of some other fics that had been stolen from some friends -I think it was me trying to find more about the page that stole something from your Nara!- I found some pages in where my fics had been reposted. In some it was stated that the person posting the fic wasn’t the author but I had never been contacted in order to see if I’d say yes to such a thing and in some others the page was locked up but I could still see someone was pretending to be the author. I did the thing and got some of those down.

Pointed note: Ask me if you want to post or translate or anything. I will look into you and answer you if you seem honest about the thing. But despite every joke and self-deprecating comment those 500 and then some fics represent MY time so very kindly I say fuck off to those who wish to steal from me and if I catch you… you don’t really want to see me angry, trust me.

10. Ever had a fic translated?

I’ve given permission to some, yeah, but never heard it back from them so I’m guessing it didn’t stick.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic?

I’ve written series alongside other authors as @stregaomega for example. And some others that are unpublished -looking at you @carsonnieve - I’ve also done collabs… but fics co-written in the sense of two authors same chapters I don’t have anything posted I’m afraid :P

13. All-time favourite ship?

*snorts*, I guess the obvious answer is SQ uh? And I do think they were the ones that allowed me to read and write SO much. The one I feel more strongly about, however, is Bering and Wells from Warehouse 13.

14. WIP you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

All of them counts as a valid answer? But if I only could finish one that would be Arcadia. With A forgotten Promise second and the one I did as an Assassins Creed AU third. (I don’t remember the name so there’s no link, sorry xd)

15. Writing strengths?

Uhhhh, you REALLY want me to say that? I don’t fucking know!! To me everything I write is garbage. I always try to go for the feelings so I guess. Dunno xd I’ve been told I’m good at worldbuilding and to be honest is what I enjoy the most.

16. Writing weaknesses?

Everything Xd Pacing? What I hate the most sometimes is dialogue, I would count it as a weakness but I’m always far too focused on description rather than dialogue. I don’t think it’s a bad thing per se but it’s something that I don’t do as much.

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I’m conflicted. Always. Majorly because I think that having bilingual characters in fanfiction is portrayed and expected in a way that I don’t feel it’s honest with how bilingual people -us- talk. So if I go by what I know I do I think it’s not what readers hope to see when it comes to that and if I go for how canonically is hoped to be found I don’t think it’s logical. But that’s me and my overthinking Xd If I have the option I like to do it.

18. First fandom you ever wrote for?

Belice! Or Bella/Alice. Worst first fic ever but oh, well, I’m always saying that :P

19. What’s your fav fic you’ve written so far?

Uhh… Don’t make me do this XD Agh, I don’t know. I’ve always been very vocal about Metallic Ink because I let myself enjoy the process of creating a magic system almost out of zero and that was fun. Despite hating some of the writing process and that I’d do it differently now I think I’m going to stick with that answer. Or anything that had any steampunk-based undertone. To be honest I like more thinking of concepts, I had one in where Emma was a thief and it involved the robbery of a ring that was Regina’s one way ticket to freedom I then later repurposed that I adored thinking about so let’s go with…. Yeah, I love having the option of changing things up a little and focus on how characters would fit in different aesthetics for this one Xd

Annnd… these are four pages, gods. I’m just going to tag @waknatious @carsonnieve @stregaomega here and see what they do- Enjoy the questionnaire ladies :P

#taggie thingie #this was a monster

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twokinkybeans · 4 years

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FALLEN LIKE SNOW - CHAPTER 3: FITFUL SLEEP

Written by @jeranasblog and Kinkybeanlien

Moodboard by @jeranasblog

Peter switches his means to get down the mountain, Tony has a rough night and Peter's lips become quite loose after a few too many drinks.

Notes: Adult Peter Parker, Fake dating, One sided nemies to lovers, No powers!AU, Mutual pining, Sugar daddy!Tony, Sugar baby!Peter, Fluff, Smut and Angst.

Smut tags (some for later): Wet Dream, Dry Humping, Daddy Kink, Mirror Sex, Dom/Sub Undertones, Bondage, Humiliation, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Fingering, Edging, Lingerie, Dom/Top!Tony, Sub/Bottom!Peter

Read Fitful Sleep on AO3!

The next day started with another delicious breakfast buffet. Everyone was there to discuss their skiing trip of the day and Peter couldn’t help but feel like he was a nuisance after Mr. Osborn mentioned it was a waste Tony wouldn’t be able to enjoy the lovely weather on the Platten. Though, once again, Tony immediately jumped in. “Peter’s here for just the week. I’m not leaving him by himself.” Peter couldn’t help the blush warming up his cheeks. Tony was either very good at pretending to be Peter’s boyfriend, or he didn’t want to hang out with his other friends. Peter guessed the first one, since that was the kinder option of the two, to everyone. He hoped it truly was the case. The first half of the morning was dedicated to the trek to Königsleiten. It wasn’t long, per se, but for someone with only one day of experience, it was quite the workout. When they got out of the chair lift, Tony took one glance at Peter and smiled kindly. “Up for a drink at the Umbrella bar?” Peter immediately shook his head. “I can go a little longer.” “It’s still a vacation, Pete, and you don’t have to prove anything to me.” Tony rolled his shoulders, poking his poles into the snow. “Or anyone for that matter.” Peter nodded gratefully and looked up the mountain. “One lift up further and then some cocoa?” “Gah, kid, please- I’d kill for a hot cocoa with cream. Sounds perfect.” They took the lift up, huddled together next to each other, surrounded by a couple of other people whose language Peter couldn’t quite figure out yet. Most of Peter’s fear came from the guy next to him being a snowboarder. They usually get out of chair lifts a little diagonally, so if he bumps into Peter, they’ll fall over for sure. Right? “Oh, kijk uit, je stok valt bijna!” Peter looked at the guy next to him wide-eyed and confused. What did he say? The man suddenly moved in to grab Peter’s pole, which he only now noticed was only hanging by the strap. He nearly dropped it. “Eh, Entschuldigung, my German isn’t very good. English?” The guy then said. His accent was a little funny. “American,” Tony quipped with a smirk. Leaning forward to glance past Peter. “Cool!” The guy smiled brightly and he wiped the lenses of his ski glasses with his mittens. “Which part?” “New York,” Peter answered politely. “And you go skiing all the way over here?” “There’s no place like Tirol,” Tony sighed dreamily. “Tell me about it!” The man relaxed, leaning back into his seat. The chair lift wobbled a little. It was quiet for a few seconds. “So, where are you from?” Tony interrogates. “The Netherlands! It’s super flat over there, so I love going here.” “Your English is pretty good,” Peter said with a smile. “Thanks!” The man turned his head. “This your first time?” “Yeah,” Peter admitted, slightly embarrassed. “I’m having difficulty getting a feel for the skis.” “It takes some getting used to, for sure.” “How’d you start boarding?” Peter asked, genuinely interested. “Ah, I skateboard at home.” Peter didn’t reply and stared ahead. The Dutch man cheerfully continued: “Made the transition from skis to board pretty easy, actually. The biggest difference is that the board is attached to your feet.” “I… I skateboard too.” “For real? That’s awesome! Might wanna try a board then.” Oh, for fuck’s sake, how did Peter not realize the similarities? Now Tony has bought him expensive skis. “I probably shouldn’t,” Peter chuckled awkwardly. “Why not?” Tony asked, surprised. Peter pressed his lips together, hiding his mouth in his balaclava and nodding at his skis. “I literally just got these skis.” “If that’s the only thing stopping you, we’re headed to the shop.” “To-” Peter stopped himself from saying the man’s name. Their outfits gave them enough anonymity that nobody recognized them and they liked to keep it that way. “No biggie, kid.” When they neared the top, the man politely thanked them for the fun chat and, surprisingly, him getting out of the chair lift went way smoother than Peter had thought it would. Maybe switching to snowboarding wasn’t that bad of an idea… … They made their way back to the Isskogel after an early lunch and Tony immediately arranged some private boarding lessons for Peter since he wouldn’t be able to teach Peter that himself. Though, instead of going skiing on his own, Tony stayed at the Arena next to the kiddie hill to watch Peter’s lessons with a whiskey in hand. Peter’s progress was unexpectedly quick. It was evident Peter knew how to handle a board below his feet. Most of the mistakes he made were based around the urge to step off, which he couldn’t cause his feet were stuck. It made for some pretty funny faceplants. By four o’clock, when the snow had gone a little soggy from all the sunlight hitting it, Peter excitedly made his way to Tony, with the snowboard tucked under his arm. “That felt so much better?” He seemed almost surprised. “Glad it did. The board looks better on you too.” Tony said with an approving nod, chugging the rest of his drink, a typically Austrian Alm Dudler. “It does?” “Yeah, it’s more… I dunno, graceful? It fits-” Tony tossed his handwear into Peter’s face. The boy laughed and sat down with Tony, tossing it back. “Like a glove.” “You’re terrible.” “I know.” … After a particularly long nap and a lovely warm bath, Peter rocked up at the dinner refreshed and strangely confident. He sat down next to Tony and immediately put his head in his hand, looking at Tony with a wide, goofy grin. The entire evening went by so smoothly Peter barely noticed Tony had started holding his hand halfway through. They shared some bites of their meals and for a minute Peter wondered if Tony forgot that all of this was fake. Just like Peter did. Tonight they all went to bed relatively early. The weather would be particularly bad tomorrow, so they all wanted to be well-rested to go up the mountain. Snowy weather meant hard work and bad sight. It made Peter slightly nervous, but with how well today went, he was certain he’d do just fine. … “No-” Peter opened his eyes confused. He had no idea how late it was, but a voice had woken him up. Who was that? Tony? “No, please, stop-” That’s Tony. That’s definitely Tony. And Peter could hear him through the walls. Peter moved to sit up straight, flinching at his sore muscles. Tony’s whines were growing louder by the second. It sounded like he was in pain. Peter tiptoed to Tony’s bedroom, the door was half open and when Peter peeked through he felt a sudden rush of empathy. Tony was asleep, bare-chested. His skin was covered in a cold sweat, glowing under the moonlight. His breath was shaky. It seemed like he wasn’t actually breathing. Tony’s face was twisted in pain. “Oh, God, no- no!” Peter couldn’t stop his feet from moving forward. The fingers of his left hand curled around Tony’s upper arm and his other hand cupped the man’s chin. “Tony, Tony- wake up. I’m right here, you’re right here-” Tony’s eyes flew open and the man grabbed Peter tightly, squeezing Peter’s arms, convulsing. He gasped for air and shook and Peter’s heart sank as he saw the man’s sudden vulnerability. Tony’s jaw was tightened and Peter’s thumb caressed soft circles over it in an attempt to help him relax. Tears started to form in the corners of Tony’s eyes and Peter helped him sit upright properly. “Hey,” he said softly, trying to find the gaze Tony was now directing elsewhere in shame. A soft disapproving noise fell from Tony’s lips before he spoke. He was still panting, having trouble regaining control over his breathing. “Sorry you had to see that.” “Don’t say that.” Peter sat down next to Tony on the bed and it took them a little bit before they realized they were still holding on to each other. Neither of them wanted to let go, though. Tony still seemed too out of it to be left alone again. “I didn’t mean to wake you up…” Peter scoffed at that. “Literally the only time you’re allowed to be unapologetically selfish is when you decide my well-being is more important than yours.” “I…” Tony slowly let himself sink back into the mattress. His grip on Peter softened but never left. He stared at the ceiling, seemingly looking for something, but not finding it. He never finished the sentence he started. Peter frowned slightly before moving to stand up. “Let me get you some wat-” “No-” Tony exclaimed suddenly, surprising Peter when his grip tightened again. “No, please, don’t leave me alone.” He pleaded. His voice cracked and he looked like he was close to breaking down. “It was just a dream, Tony, you’re not alone, I’m right here. I’m just getting you something to drink.” “Don’t go… Please-” Peter quietly sucked in a breath when a tear glided down Tony’s cheek. He’d never seen the man like this before. So fragile and small. Peter pressed his lips together and nodded once. “Mind if I lay down with you?” Tony shook his head slightly and his shaking hands finally let go of Peter. He shuffled to the side and pulled back his sheets for Peter to join him. Peter crawled into the bed and laid on his side to look at his boss. The man’s eyes were still strained on the ceiling. “I was back in Afghanistan,” Tony whispered. Peter hadn’t expected the man to be so open about what had frightened him like this so soon. However, Peter immediately understood what Tony meant. About ten years ago, he was abducted by terrorists. General James Rhodes’s team managed to free him, but that’s about everything the media got to hear about it. Soon after that, Stark Industries completely closed down its weapons department and started focussing on renewable energy. Stark’s famous Arc Reactor is what saved the company and also what made Peter so utterly interested in working for Stark Industries. It’s a piece of biochemical engineering genius that Peter wanted to study and improve even further. He hoped to get that chance one day. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” “I have to. Have to get it out.” Tony’s reply sounded resolute. “They were waterboarding me- I, I couldn’t-” He took a breath and closed his eyes. His body started shaking again and Peter immediately moved to put his hand on Tony’s arm to ground him. The man opened his eyes, but he seemed to stare right through Peter. The younger man shuffled closer and gently placed his hand on Tony’s chest. With his other hand, he grabbed Tony’s to hold it against his own chest. “Look at me,” Peter whispered. “I am.” “You’re not.” At that comment, Tony’s eyes seemed to refocus. “What are you doing?” Tony asked quietly. Peter slowly sucks in air, raising his chest and with that, both his and Tony’s hand too. “Breathing.” The fingers of Peter’s other hand twitched on Tony’s chest. “As are you.” A faint smile spread across his face. “You’re in Gerlos, Austria, in the Alpina hotel. It’s about 3am on a Monday night. You’re in a giant king bed with me, Peter Benjamin Parker, the most annoying intern you’ve probably ever had.” “You’re not-” Tony frowned for a second and Peter was happily surprised to hear the soft chuckle and see the corner of Tony’s mouth curl up. “You’re distracting me.” “Duh.” Peter laughed softly but quieted down quickly. “Is it working?” It was silent for a little bit while their breathing started to go in sync. Slow and steady. The lights were still off, but Peter could see the reflection of the moon in Tony’s dark eyes. The man seemed to be studying him and Peter let him. “Yes.” They spent a bit of time talking. Tony explained that usually, he’d go to his lab after nightmares and that he wasn’t sure what he would’ve done if Peter wasn’t there to snap him out of it. He was grateful, though still shaken up. Peter listened to him talk and in return, Tony listened to Peter. Their conversations were deeper, more existential, than the ones they had before. Which automatically made them more meaningful to both men too. At one point, Peter’s eyes started falling shut, exhaustion washing over him once more. He tried to stay awake, for Tony, but his boss started speaking more softly and monotone. Peter quietly disliked how the man was aware of Peter’s tiredness, and that Tony was trying to make him fall asleep. Unfortunately, Tony was winning. Tony’s choice of words and manner of speaking lured Peter closer to the sweet embrace of sleep. Peter’s replies came out slower. Slightly slurred. He jolted back awake a few times, but it never lasted longer than a minute before his eyelids started giving up on him again. Peter could faintly feel Tony’s hand caress his face as he slipped into a dreamless sleep. Right before he lost himself to his exhaustion, he heard Tony mumble. “Thank you.” … They didn’t talk about the nightmare the next morning. Tony acted as if nothing had happened and Peter didn’t want to force him to talk about it. The billionaire had already shared more about himself than Peter could have ever imagined, and he was thankful for the sign of trust. Instead, they left around the usual time after breakfast and walked to the ski lift. Skiing was a short affair that day. Half an hour after they had started, the weather turned, and snow clouded their vision. Peter couldn’t see even a meter ahead and when he almost knocked over a young child, Tony decided to call it a day. Osborn had asked him if he wanted to catch up on certain business affairs anyway and both of them were quite glad once they were back inside. “You can come with me,” Tony offered, but Peter shook his head. He didn’t want to spend his day talking about stock prices and company buyouts, and although he knew it wasn’t Tony’s favorite topic either, business was business. Instead, he decided to try something new and searched on the hotel’s homepage for activities inside. Yoga class at 12. He wanted to try it out anyway, so he decided to give it a shot. Spending time with Tony was fun, but he might need to relax, take a little time for himself. Dressed in some yoga pants he had found in his suitcase, Tony had literally bought him a stupid amount of everything, he left the room to search for the hotel gym.

‘Yoga for beginners’ wasn’t how Peter had imagined it. He had assumed an elderly spiritual woman would light up some candles and talk about finding your inner center, but instead, a woman not older than him was guiding the class. She explained how yoga could be both a way to relax as well as the opportunity to strengthen the core and the body. Peter found himself liking the class and he decided to maintain the habit once he’ll come back home. After a small warm-up, the woman showed them some exercises, and Peter noticed how his thoughts slipped away. It was the first time since they arrived that Peter was truly alone besides sleeping, and he started to process everything he had experienced. He was surprised to realize that his feelings regarding the billionaire had changed from hatred to sympathy and he actually enjoyed spending time with him. Of course, he had his flaws, but who hasn’t? He didn’t even care about pretending to be Tony’s boyfriend anymore and against all odds, he wasn’t counting the days until he could go back home, either. Time flew by and way too soon he found himself lying on the floor, a pose the woman called ‘Savasana’, and he was focusing on his breathing for three minutes. Yoga had been more fun than expected. “You had fun?” A familiar voice tore him from his thoughts and Peter could see Tony standing in the doorway of the small gym. Peter smiled at him, actually glad to see the billionaire. When he approached Tony, he could see that the man’s gaze was focused on his thighs and Peter realized how tightly the pants were hugging him. He didn’t comment on the billionaire’s slip, a little flattered by the intense stare. “Yes, it was pretty great. Definitely wanna do it again when I’m back home.” Tony cleared his throat, his eyes reluctantly wandering higher until he looked at Peter’s face. His eyes were dark, almost black, filled with suppressed hunger. “Great, let’s go. It’s almost dinner time. I wanted to pick you up,” Tony’s voice was actually a little deeper. … Peter was staring at himself in the mirror. The black cashmere turtleneck hugged his body in a way that clothes have never hugged his body before. He tugged at the long sleeves and straightened his back, took a quarter turn and looked at how the tartan pants cupped his ass. He swallowed and let his hands roam his torso for a bit. The fabric was soft. It even felt expensive. And somehow, that was what made it feel strangely good. And the fact that Peter was wearing Tony’s money made it feel even better. His boss spent this money on him specifically. He made sure Peter looked good and that had Peter feeling things he couldn’t quite place. MJ’s words from before the vacation emerged from the back of his head. Sugar daddy. Peter sucked in a breath, feeling his cock stir at the thought. Everything about Tony’s and Peter’s fake relationship was a perfect example of everything… Sugar. The only thing Peter hadn’t done yet was ask for something rather than just receiving and the longer he stood in front of that mirror, staring at himself, the more he was warming up to the idea. Quite literally. A small voice in the back of his head told him to not indulge too much. All of this was still fake. It would be over after this vacation. Right? “And there’s me thinking I’m the vain one.” Tony’s voice right behind Peter made him jolt and whip around. Tony chuckled. “It’s just me-” “I’m not… I’m not vain, I’m just-” Peter slowly turned back to face the mirror again and he cocked his head. He’d styled his playful curls to be a tiny bit more controlled, but he wouldn’t admit it took him over half an hour to get it that way. Vain? Him? Of course not. “Pete, you’re hitting minute seven of ogling at yourself in that mirror. It’s okay, you look great.” Tony stepped a little closer until he was standing right behind Peter. The younger man couldn’t help but stare at the two of them in the mirror. Together. Tony’s gaze was dark, almost as if the man was undressing him with his mind. And where Peter would’ve scolded Tony for it before, he definitely didn’t mind the attention now. The pants were getting tighter around his member and Peter hoped that Tony didn’t notice. “You’re a pretty boy.” Tony’s voice was low, vibrating through Peter’s body as the billionaire’s lips nearly touched the shell of his ear with each spoken word. Peter blinked at their reflection, certain that the mirror in front of them was the Mirror of Erised from the Harry Potter universe. This couldn’t be real. He must’ve been imagining things. But no. He could feel Tony’s chest pressing against his back and the warm breath tickling his skin. Peter couldn’t stop a soft gasp from escaping his lips. “Did I say something wrong?” Tony asked quietly. Peter shook his head and replied softly as he folded his hands in front of him in an attempt to hide his growing hard-on. “No, Mr. Stark, it’s- It’s okay.” Neither of them moved, both unsure of what situation they were currently in. “I guess I like being pretty?” Tony chuckled. “Lucky you…” His hand rested on Peter’s arm for a few seconds before he completely stepped away from Peter, breaking the moment with a clearing of his throat. “You’re always pretty.” Tony quickly left the room and Peter was certain the man muttered some swear words. Did he not mean to say that? Peter swallowed and turned back to the mirror to look at himself one more time. If Tony’s a Sugar Daddy… Maybe Peter’s the Sugar Baby? … A few minutes later Tony and Peter entered the dining room, the billionaire’s arm wrapped around his middle. Peter was still a little agitated from their conversation, unsure of what he should think about Tony. He had hated him until recently and now he was already telling him he liked to be pretty? Dreaming about calling him Daddy and wanting to be his Sugar Baby? It was a little much and Peter struggled with feeling anxious. His own mind was making it so much harder for him and he wished he could turn his thoughts off for a minute. Luckily, their dinner company was way lovelier than it had been the days before. Hammer and Osborn senior were signing some contracts and only Pepper, her husband and Osborn junior were left. Peter sighed in relief. Pretending to be Tony’s ‘significant other’ could be stressful sometimes and he was more than glad that he didn’t have to keep up with difficult people as well. The conversation was easier tonight, more personal and less focused on business. Peter learned that Pepper’s husband Marcus was a child therapist while Harry Osborn was studying law. Tonight, he didn’t decline the server’s offer to bring him wine, loosening up from the pleasant company. He touched Tony more casually and he realized that the billionaire was more relaxed as well, almost carefree. Eventually, Peter lost track of how many glasses he’d downed. “-and then I accidentally blew up the lab.” Tony was telling one of his favorite stories, about when he had forgotten to turn off the Bunsen burner, and Pepper added some snarky remarks. “You can’t imagine how badly the whole lab stank. The smell lingered for days.” Peter giggled and emptied his glass of wine. Was it the second, the third? Fourth? He wasn’t even sure anymore. “I was so mad at him,” Pepper continued. “Didn’t talk to him for days. Unfortunately, I forgot that I had promised him to help him with an experiment the next day and he went all rough on me, telling me I couldn’t break my promises just because I was a little mad.” The whole table was laughing, the mood light, and Peter felt fuzzy all of a sudden. The effect of the alcohol hit abruptly and the world dissolved into its colors. The feeling of being carefree and airy was too strong and Peter realized only vaguely that he had drunk too much. Maybe that was the reason for his next words. “I like it rough.” Everyone looked at him. Tony with surprised hunger, his fingers twitching around his fork, while the other three stared at him with amusement. “Well, it’s good you’re with Tony then.” Pepper smiled at him. “He can be quite- overwhelming sometimes.” “I love to be overwhelmed.” Peter put most of his weight on Tony, leaning all over him. He hid his face in the crook of Tony’s neck for a second, but quickly pulled up again to continue his babbling, feeling the urge to tell the world all his secrets. “And I love to feel pretty as well.” He proudly looked at his boyfriend. Boyfriend… Yes, that’s it. It was the first time he could actually see the billionaire blush and his fuzzy brain convinced him to call him out on it. No coherent words fell from his lips, but his index finger gently pressed into Tony’s cheek. Tony blushed even harder. The look on his boyfriend’s face made Peter frown a little and the same hand he touched Tony with traveled down to his tight tartan pants. Were they… Tighter? “I think I’m getting hard.” “Alright, that’s our cue.” Tony patted Peter’s shoulder and gently pulled the younger man’s hand off his growing member. “Pepper, Marcus, Harry, it was nice talking to you.” Pepper tried to hide her grin behind a fist, while Harry was openly laughing at them. “But Tooony,” Peter drew out his name, the world starting to spin around him. The man slowly lifted them from their seats, having to carry nearly all of Peter’s weight. “We didn’t even have dessert.” “You can have dessert in your room,” Harry’s voice was dirty and he winked at him, playfully wiggling his brows, but Peter didn’t get what he was talking about. He grinned anyway, turned to Tony again and leaned in. “Can you overwhelm me later?” Peter whispered in Tony’s ear, at least he tried to, but a loud chuckle from Harry made evident that he talked louder than he intended to. “Anything, honey, if you just leave with me right now.” Tony’s voice was a deep growl, and it lit up every cell of Peter’s body, making him burn even more than the alcohol did. “Yes, Sir.” Tony’s loud groan echoed through the room. Peter didn’t remember how they got back to their room, but in the next moment, Tony was unlocking the door to the penthouse. Peter stumbled through the doorway, Tony’s arm wrapped around his middle, keeping him upright. Everything was colorful, swirling around him like a carousel and he reached out, trying to catch a haze of color. His fist closed around nothing. “Let’s get you in bed, Pete.” Tony pulled at his clothes, stripping him, and Peter felt good, so good, so crazily good. The billionaire would finally overwhelm him, show him what Pepper was talking about. Peter was guided to his bed, wobbling a little before he fell face-first onto the mattress. He waited for Tony to join him, to hold him down, to whisper filth into his ears, but nothing happened. After a few seconds, Peter turned to his back, trying to find Tony, only to realize that he had left the room. Loneliness filled him all of a sudden. It was so devastating that Peter scrambled to his knees and pushed himself up, determined to walk to Tony’s bedroom. He was swaying and stumbling, following the rush of colors to the door at the other end of the penthouse. Without knocking, he opened the door. “Peter?” Tony was already lying in bed. “Don’t wanna sleep alone,” Peter slurred and dropped onto the bed. It felt warm here, so much warmer than his own bed, but the confused haze of the other man was bugging him, stopping him from giving in to sleep. “M’tired. Don’t wanna leave ya. Nightmares.” Peter snuggled against the strong chest, savoring the closeness to Tony. It felt right in this moment. There were no concerns left, no doubts or restrictions, only the warmth of the billionaire. His boyfriend. “Mr. Stark, do you like me pretty? Do ya wanna dress me in ling-lingerie, keep me in your bed and m-make me call you Daddy?” The chest he was lying on suddenly tensed and a low groan buzzed in his ears. Did Tony like to be called Daddy? “Daddy?” Peter tried it again, for experimental purposes, of course. Just to see how the older one would react. This time, he even heard a little moan. “Pete, you’re drunk. Just sleep, all right?” Peter grinned broadly and buried his face in the billionaire’s chest. “Yes, Daddy. ‘m gonna sleep. Protect you from the nightmares.” Tony groaned again but didn’t comment on the name. “Night, baby boy.” It barely took a minute before Peter drifted to sleep, carried by the carefree feeling. He felt as if he was flying on a cloud, looking at the sky while he was snuggled against his Daddy. Life was pretty great.

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codex-lupusnocte · 4 years

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So it's almost 4am and I still can't sleep so I guess I'll write out the stuff I'm thinking because why not. Now everyone can see how much of a sad bastard I am lmao (I apologise in advance, I swear I'm usually not this... dense? but night does strange things to my mind I guess).

So I was thinking about how people usually have a bunch of people they frequently talk to. Like, even if it's not one person they talk to everyday. Some do that, others like talk to some people one day and the next to others and so on. But I literally don't talk to anyone. Like, literally. I spend most of the time in my room, on my computer, and barely ever I chat with anyone. When I do it's like... an event lmao.

The group of people I usually hang around with at school, they have like... other friends (though, admittedly, I don't really consider them my friends per se, even if I'm fine being around them), which is normal I know but it's so foreign to me. Like, they talk about what a friend of other school told them or a friend from other faculty or even a damn neighbor. In school, I exclusively hang out with them (I have to talk to other people, specially in the classes I don't share with any of them, but it's like... purely and strictly related to said classes).

I'm in a group chat with them, and evidently it's not only for conversations about school. I sometimes participate in said conversations, granted, but it's rather rare. Apart from that? Nothing. I don't have anyone I talk to in a regular basis, not even from time to time. Heck, I even have a hard time replying to my mother and my sisters (I may reply to them after literal months). There's even this guy... He was on the same highschool as I, and we ended up hanging around together. I was fine with his company and, tbh, we had stuff in common so it was cool. But then it was too much for me. Everyday contact wore me off, he started appearing everywhere and ended up telling me he had a crush on me. Then I just basically disappeared, lmao. I just avoided him without giving an actual explanation (which I still feel guilty about). He still sometimes send me messages (which I don't mind, we actually have conversations sometimes... when I bother to reply, which is once every half a year basically lmao). And I feel bad because I barely ever reply. It's not even personal, I just... don't have the energy. I dunno how to explain.

So yeah. I complain about having no friends but I almost never bother to reply back to the people that make the effort to try and start a conversation. And I pretty much never try and interact with someone else by myself. I mean, be the first to send a message to someone or stuff like that. Lately, I've been trying to get a bit more social and sometimes I participate in the general chat of a certain game, which has led to a couple of DMs. One person I ended up talking about music, but the conversation literally died after like 10 messages, which leads me to...

I'm so incredibly lost when it comes to conversations. What's appropriate, what's expected of me to do/say, what to talk about if a subject dies out, what I'm supposed to do. Like, should I send another message? Was this just a one time thing? If someone tells me to talk through another app or something, am I expected to send the first message? Should I be more... proactive (?)? Or am I just being annoying/pushy? I literally have NO CLUE. I do not understand social stuff at all and it's so hard to me. Add to the mix that I have a hard time identifying sarcasm and jokes and I'm just doomed.

#random #well now it's past 4am #still not sleepy #hooray #again i'm sorry fjajfja #i'm just a big idiot #i'm bad at humaning (?)#like literally #interacting with other human beings is SO CONFUSING to me #also i'm an insecure bastard so ye #:']

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destiny-smasher · 5 years

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I used to be close friends with one of the composers for Steven Universe. I watched them rise from a YouTube remixer living in a cramped bedroom in a shared apartment with nothing but a mattress on the floor and a keyboard beside it to owning a house, happily married with a whole backyard garden and a cat because they found success working on one of the biggest cartoon shows I’ve known. But they broke off that friendship earlier this year and it’s made my biased love for Steven Universe become very difficult to grasp with. Understanding how and why we weren’t friends anymore was likewise difficult to grasp, even after hours of us trying to hash things out and resolve it. And while we DID resolve things amicably (I hope) and peacefully, it wasn’t until Steven Universe: The Movie that I was really able to feel like I could see the forest from the trees and ‘get’ what happened. This will be a kind of review of the movie, but mostly it became more of a personal ramble relating my real life experiences with Aivi to those of characters within SU, especially the antagonist of the Movie. This is lifted from this Twitter thread, so it was originally written stream of consciousness and I’m sharing it here to keep it more readable and archived. This is a bit of a read so tucking it behind a ‘read more.’

"You keep on turning pages for people who don't care about you And still it takes you ages to see that no one's there Everyone's gone on without you"

Time to finally talk about the #StevenUniverse Movie. Strap in 'cause this gon' get personal.

It should go without saying BUT I am gonna be talking about the movie! Dunno how in detail per se but I can't properly say what I wanna say without diving into some of the important plotty stuff. So yea.

Don't read this thread if ya don't want #spoilers #sumovie

First off, I wanna talk about what this movie does well. Going in, I had heard it was framed like a musical. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that idea, though it wasn't surprising. After all, the 'musical' style episodes tend to resonate quite a lot.

I think they work great when it's one song in a 10 minute episode, but an hour and a half of songs? I wasn't sure how well that would go. Turns out, pretty well. This is due to many factors but primarily the variety of song styles and art styles used throughout. Basically every scene has a primary song that drives it home, and basically all of them have a different genre/tone as well as visual presentation style. A lot of work went into getting it all to work together and feel cohesive. TBH for me personally the main highlight of the movie was honestly the animation. Average TV goers might just see "yup sure looks like a cartoon" but on the whole, on average, the movie is CLEARLY animated and framed with much more dynamism and detail than the majority of SU. Getting to see these characters we've gotten to know over the past few years a couple years in the future, generally at peace with things, but animated with more detail than ever, THAT is the true highlight of the film for me. Naturally, there was a lot of bits of comedy, often relying on knowledge of what the characters have been through, and I felt a lot of bittersweet smiles throughout as this felt like a good send off for Steven and his Space Moms. It managed to work in cameos from basically everyone you'd expect, some of which...didn't work out as well as others (specifically, the Diamonds bookending the movie was a bit forced and weird IMO but they ARE important to the lore even if I find them boring tbh) It was nice getting to 'catch up' with everyone, and the plot itself uses a generic 'gotta save the world again' thing (bleh) in a creative way, at least -- it all becomes an excuse to "re-live" the four primary heroes' stories through song. Cool enough. Something the movie inadvertently highlights, however, is the fact that SU as a series really started spinning its wheels a lot for its second half, in particular. Much has been said about how and why and why or not this doesn't matter, etc. etc. I was just along for the ride. I've repeatedly expressed my personal bias in the series' favor for a long time, and now? I kinda don't really have that personal bias anymore. I still love the show, I still think it's one of the best cartoons I've ever seen. But those rose-tinted glasses are off now. Taking said glasses off and actually listening to and looking up what critics of the show had to say kind of unearthed a bunch of things I had kept sweeping under the rug for the sake of personal bias/support of someone I loved and cared for a lot. We'll get back to that. I say all of this because the movie ironically failed to do much of anything NEW, something the series itself kind of struggled with for a while until it finally got around to the conclusion of Steven's story arc. The film ultimately kind of ends with "yeah Steven can change!" Which, um yea? Obviously. He's a completely different person than he was in S1. But he's kiiiiinda been the same person for....some while now. The weird irony of SU as a series is that about halfway through the narrative, the protag has essentially grown up, done. The last half or third or so of SU's narrative was basically Steven having to cheer everyone around him up and help them deal with their shit, and...kinda just going about that essentially the same way every time. The power of love, the friends we made along the way, etc. To be clear, there's nothing BAD about this, and in fact it's what sets Steven apart from most every other narrative of this type. The protag is almost always forced to change in ways they don't want, do things they don't want to do, etc. But when you put it side by side with something like Avatar or Gravity Falls, those series saw everyone growing alongside each other. There are clear arcs for everyone, almost all of which get resolved in ways fitting each character. It's imperfect but it's varied. SU has a tendency to just...hammer everyone's character flaws and arcs with ONE option: just love yourself and be nice, and everyyyyyyythinggggg 'll work out in the end! Which is fine, but when a story does it for so long, over and over, always the same, it gets a bit weird. I specifically LIKED in the film, at the end, that Steven actually does have to fight, because THAT is what Spinel needed to do. She needed to let out all of that anger, and that violence was her own way of doing it. 'you can't just sing a song to make everything go away' etc. It's typical, perhaps, for protagonists to have to tackle problems in different ways because that's LIFE. The fact is, Steven's approach will NOT save everyone. Lapis stilllll kinda stands as an example of this but an as of yet unresolved one. I liked that at the end of things, Spinel still doesn't come into the same fold as everyone else. Basically "sorry, I already fucked this up too much, I can't really deal with this," and that is IMPORTANT and I really liked it. Before really digging into the personal angle, I want to bring up how fascinating it is that the movie essentially had a real BUDGET and so they deliberately seemed to design an antagonist that would take full advantage of that animation budget. EASILY, by far, Spinel is the most interesting-to-watch antag in the whole series imo, in terms of how she moves and fights, etc. They really just wanted to flex and they did it, but like any SU antag there's (somewhat predictable) motives. This gets back at what I was saying before -- how the series spins its wheels a lot -- but Spinel's motivation/back story isssss kiiiinnndaaaa a lot like many many characters' issues and, like, I get it. We get it. Steven's Mom was Not The Best does that have to be the basis behind kinda EVERYONE who goes against Steven? Or the Gems? Lapis, Bismuth, and Peridot all offered more varied motivations, and even THEN, Bismuth was still essentially in the same boat? Anyway, I digress. I DO appreciate the way the series set up Rose as this wondrous lovely lady and has severely dissected and broken that down to the point where I really do not like Rose, in any of her ID's, as a character or a fictional person, and it did so gradually. A lot of what the movie did was kind of expected. Right? Songs, singing, check. Steven going about things the same way, check. Re-living/celebrating how far he and his moms have come, check. What I didn't expect was -- OK, well, there WAS that one fusion...which, um

But the actual thing that really latched onto me was how much I conncted with Spinel. As is the case with any story that has well presented characters, you can attach to SOME part of just about all of them. I associate most closely with Pearl overall but can relate with just about anyone prominent. I see parts of me and Jenny in Steven/Connie, in Ruby/Sapphire, in Peridot/Lapis. I see what kind of woman I might've become in Amethyst (and sometimes am). Spinel, though, is a really weird case because I see my adolescent self in her SO MUCH and yet fairly recent events in my life -- directly tied TO the show itself, mind you -- make that connection weirdly poignant and present. For some context, I used to be good friends with Aivi, one of the musicians who works on the series with their husband. Spring 2018, Aivi and I vocalized to each other that we considered one another one of the closest friends in each other's lives. We're no longer friends. To make sure this is clear, I think Aivi is a wonderful person, and our breaking apart wasn't violent or dramatic or anything, Aivi just...decided they weren't interested in the relationship anymore. And neglected to tell me this until like a year later. The context is of course not at ALL as severe or dramatic as Spinel/Pink, so please don't assume there's some one-to-one there. But OOF are there some harsh similarities and it really made Spinel's backstory sting in a very confusing way. I say 'confusing' because, as I mentioned, I see my adolescent self in Spinel. The way I was going about making friends matches her 'happy' self. The way I acted in my senior year of college matches her 'angry' self. There was no single person that created any of that, though. In high school, I was like Starfire, in college, I tried to nurture that, play to my strengths. I failed miserably. And what I feel is a big part of why is inherently tied to my transitioning (which is, still, something I feel I am failing miserably at). By the end of college I was more like Raven, and there I remained through the duration of my first long-term romance, into a very weird and atypical marriage and breakup, and then I moved to CA and started changing. Fittingly, my current self can't quite ID with any single Teen Titan. I'm not a teen anymore, after all. Throughout a lot of my friendship with Aivi, they really seemed to fixate on comparing me to Pearl. It sometimes made me uncomfortable the particular ways they did, though. I strongly identified with Pearl's flaws and strengths in personality (though we're obviously different people), and so seeing Pearl go through redemption via self-love and self-acceptance meant a lot to me. "It's Over, Isn't It?" I was IN THE ROOM listening to Aivi and their husband work on the chorus to that song. Obviously they couldn't talk about it but I knew damn well what it was about, and anticipated that piece for a long time. Now it's even more weirdly painful. I met Aivi because they made Mario arrangements they put on YouTube and they happened to live a few blocks away when I was subletting my first summer in CA. They seemed very kind and caring and eager to Be Nice and at the time I really needed that at a very vulnerable and fragile time in my life so I latched onto that. -In The Garden- The week when the LiS terfs freaked out on me and that Bad Spinel side of me lashed back, and I found myself suffering from being gaslit and facing the fact that the worst part of myself that Trigon in Raven's mind that Angry Spinel was still THERE was still ME It was too much For the first (and thankfully, only) time in my life, I experienced suicidal thoughts. And Aivi REACTED to that shit. Strongly. In a way no one ever had for me before, ever. They drove across the Bay to my house, picked me up, had me over, and helped me process it. And in the months to come, as I was healing and coming to terms with how That Worst Part of Me That I Wanted to BE RID OF was still THERE and apparently could just fucking show up, through all of that, Aivi helped me work through things, and we really bonded. In retrospect, though, it's SO damned hard for me to tell if Aivi and I became so close because of mutual respect or pity or just conditioned behavior to Be Nice and Keep Up Appearances. I dunno. What I know NOW is that apparently Cost More than I would've thought. I'm not Aivi so I don't want to really dig into 'dirt' (again, Aivi is a great person who works very hard and that's WHY their work is so good) but looking back, it's wild to see their progression into SUCCESS and fame while I just stood by, floundering The thing is, Aivi was a super busy person. We barely got to spend time together -- when we DID, it was a multi-hour affair and apart from like, Jenny, Aivi is prolly the person I've had the deepest, most vulnerable conversations with. They were next to me when I realized 'oh huh I'm maybe trans??' because they were there when I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I never ASKED them to be there, to Be So Nice and as it turns out, Being So Nice is harder than it looks. So to kind of loop this back to the movie, I wasn't some Skullgirls Peacock Cuphead grinny goof or anything like that but I AM WILLING to bet that from Aivi's POV the way Happy Spinel acts toward Steven is prolly how I felt in Aivi's life at points, at the least. The irony is that we would go weeks, months, barely interacting. But looking back, the way Aivi talked about things, the same phrase keeps dominating my mind: Aivi got bored of me. I wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. Aivi said that day in spring 2018 was like 'the climax' of our friendship, or something like that. Way they talked about it was like...the finale of a season of TV. Our character arc together was over. Even though we TALKED about it, came to mutual understandimng of The Logic behind Aivi's decision to cut ties, I don't think it ever REALLY made sense to me, how Aivi must've felt about our friendship, until Spinel. By spring of 2019, my role in Aivi's life -- from what they have told me, from what I can perceive -- was more like I existed in a separate space from the rest of their life. I was that one interesting person always waiting in The Garden for them to visit when they felt like it Because while Aivi had gotten BIG, gotten MARRIED, gotten a HOUSE, found legitimate SUCCESS in their creative field I was still poor still stuck in retail still unable to find an audience still unable to understand the pressures of Success And OOOOFFF in those last couple years, interacting became more and more strained for both of us, from opposite ends of things. Aivi had responsibilities, PEOPLE vying for their attention, people wanting to hire them, projects to complete, a house, a spouse, etc etc My life was (and kiiiinda still is?) nothing like that, and as our Mutual Creatives Struggling to MAKE THINGS and Get By transforming into Yep I Am Still Here but you are SUCCESSFUL I think that really put a lot of strain on things I never accepted until Spinel. After Aivi hit it big with SU, in particular, they gradually started...acting differently. Acting in ways that made less and less sense to me. They were a Diamond now. And I was still just what I was. When drawing comparisons to characters on the show, Aivi persistently compared me to Pearl. A fact I once took pride in. They repeatedly compared themself to Garnet. Which...always kind of didn't make sense to me. Aivi wasn't really like Garnet. They are more NOW, though? In the sense of how they act, I suppose. Specifically, one of the last things Aivi said to me was that trying to be friends with me had started feeling like Pearl trying to force Garnet to fuse with her. This was problematic because from my POV nothing of the sort was happening. All I was looking for was occasionally hanging out a few times a year. Like. Ya know. Actually a lot less than what I was looking for with basically all of my other friends. And that was still Too Much? But when I start looking at things like Pink Diamond and Spinel instead of Pearl and Garnet, somehow things make a lot more sense. I was probably too clingy, too exciteable, and what amusement or relief I could provide eventually stopped being useful. Aivi eventually didn't even want to spend time with friends to just...spend time with them. Everything had to have some kind of practical Purpose to it, it had to be contributing to a Goal. I still don't get that, tbh. But I'm also not A Diamond. I'm not Successful. The most responsibility I have right now is fucking hanging up the laundry to dry. I have college loans that have and continue to feel pointless to try and repay. I have severe dental problems I haven't been able to fix. My body fell out of shape because of retail hell, and what energy I’ve had to spare from that always ends up going into the people I love, and trying to keep Making Things. Let's not forget The Complications of coming out and wanting to transition but not possessing the resources to do so. (Aivi was actually super supportive of this btw and was the first person to make me feel comfortable wearing feminine things so yea) Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that MY LIFE is not together. My personality is? I feel like I am finally Myself in terms of mental/emotional stability. And that is largely because Jenny helped me get there. But Aivi helped a lot with that, too. But I think Aivi got to a point where Success was more of a measure of how Grown Up and Healthy one was because despite my behavior, my personality, my mood, what I was asking for, and what I was giving, all changing DRASTICALLY after being with Jenny, I think Aivi still...looked at me the way Pink Diamond looked at Spinel during that song. Like, "yeeeaaaa ok kiddo it's time for me to go now, kinda done here" This is what's so confusing about all of this metaphor/etc. I'm not...like Spinel anymore? My current, post-coming-out self doesn't really relate with Happy OR Angry Spinel. It's almost like Aivi couldn't see me for who I became, and could only see me for who I had been. And maybe that's like why Spinel can't be friends with Steven at the end. It's too painful. I used to take pride in being associated with Pearl because "I'm enough" and "being strong in the REAL way" but now it's more like "oh you just think I'm still hung up and needy and clingy?" which uh don't feel so great a comparison. I can't help but wonder if while working on the movie, Aivi saw some of themself in Pink. Because I'm not the only person who apparently wasn't 'useful' to them anymore. And I'm not saying we should've kept forcing something that wasn't working. Not at all. What we had was good for both us, but it also entailed a lot of patience on my part and effort on theirs. And unlike any of my other long term friends, I often ended up waiting weeks, months, "Happily wondering night after night, Is this how it works? Am I doing it right?"

Years and years of broken friendships, one after the other, most lasting merely 6 months, MAYBE a year at most, with a handful that have lasted since middle school (but which are so much harder to maintain) took a toll on my Adult Self until Jenny, anyway. For quite a long time - the majority of my life, currently - I assumed I just was Too Different and that was why my friendships didn't seem to last, didn't seem to extend to the depths I was looking for. That's perhaps one critical difference between Spinel and I: she's looking for FUN, for smiling faces, for attention, for creating smiles, I just want some fucking consistency. At this point, I'm not even sure WHY I still reach out to people. I don't NEED friendships in that desperate way I used to, back in the Happy/Angry Spinel times. And I've come to terms with that Other Max part of myself and integrated it, accepted it. My worst parts are still me and instead of suppressing them (often by relying on bids of deep friendship with others) I just have to let them EXIST and let them do their thing once in a while. This is ALL why Celeste hit me as hard as it did. Because even if I'm not actually much like Spinel anymore, and Aivi's not really like Pink Diamond, even if I don't actually share much in common with Madeline (other than the subtle 'I drink sometimes to deal with my problems' thing, which I don't anymore) I still comprehend and resonate so much with that concept of just needing to accept the worst parts of yourself and work with them rather than trying to keep them caged up and then they escape and rampage every 5-10 years or so and ruin your life As I felt myself coming to all of these Good Feelings I FINALLY felt like I could help Aivi in the ways they had helped me. That I finally had something to offer I didn't before. Turns out, I didn't, apparently. Aivi had More Important Things to do than visit me in The Garden. And I couldn't blame them. Not a bit. Especially if they had gotten bored of visiting me. I didn't like feeling like a burden on them, either. Can't really argue with that. During the last time we talked, Aivi didn't use the WORDS, didn't literally say them, but I finally could see it: I wasn't Useful anymore. I couldn't Understand, either, because I wasn't Successful. Our friendship was rewarding, but because it required effort. And that effort was still worth it to me, but no longer to them. I was no longer worth it. And despite that, despite starting to feel those hunches, I spent those final months -- as had been the case before, they were afraid to hurt me so avoided actually confronting the problem -- I remained "Happy to listen, Happy to stay Happily watching her drift away" I have no idea if any aspect of our friendship impacted anything Aivi had worked on creatively. TBH Aivi seemed to approach even relationships themselves with more of a logical, pragmatic style -- it was entirely unique compared to anyone I had ever connected with. But if you've read @lis-allwounds then it might not surprise you to know that a lot of what I expressed through Stella and Max, as well as Other Max and Another Stella, channels a lot of these things. I even quoted Aivi directly in the story's end (perhaps foolishly optimistic) And yes, that epilogue moment of sorts is gonna be entirely different if I ever do finish the visual novel. The fact is that we were ALWAYS very different people and our friendship was weird and complicated and hard for one or both of us throughout its, what, 8 year duration? Ironically, I think I took away the opposite 'Character Arc Lesson' they did from all this. But that's just the thing, nothing is permanent for a Human Being. We aren't Gems, we don't actually fuse, we can't just change our appearances when we feel like it, or project ourselves to look how we want to look, or exist for thousands of years. But we DO all have different needs, different ways of understanding those needs, and different ways of needing to adjust or change ourselves or our environments in order to pursue what we want to pursue with the limited time we have here. We tried, hard, and it lasted long enough. If I'm not useful, I'm not useful, I guess? I don't have any ill will toward Aivi, I loved them as a friend and I know they loved me, too, and were better at showing it than most any friends I ever have had. If I'd been better at reciprocating in ways that were actually useful, that would've been good -- but then maybe we wouldn't have become friends in the first place if I hadn't needed 'saving' in the first place, I don't fuckin' know. And I hope my saying all of these things doesn't make anyone think any less of Aivi because your relationship with them is, very likely, not at all personal like mine is. And you know as well as I do how good they are at what they do. Aivi took the time to ease me out of things. Aivi did NOT suddenly up and vanish for thousands of years. While the dynamics of the situation might bare sharp points of similarity, Aivi is not like Pink Diamond and I'm not like Spinel -- not in the present, anyway. Stories help us because they share THREADS with reality but it's always important to recognize those threads for what they are and not confuse them for ropes. And me ranting and tossing all of this out there is something part of me has wanted to do for months but needed to take the time to grieve and process and accept. And maybe it's selfish to be posting all of this, I don't know. But it helps me accept myself and them a lot more. "Finally something finally news about how the story ends" Aivi likely has brand new friends, better ones than me, and I'm willing to bet some of them worked on this movie. And it turned out pretty good, all things considered, probably in part because Aivi was able to focus on it That person I became friends with, she doesn't exist anymore. Just like how who I used to be when Aivi first me, he doesn't exist anymore, either. We both changed, and grew in opposite directions, I guess. We've found happiness and growth and relief in different ways. In the end the Movie helped me come to terms with all of this in a way Angry Spinel younger me couldn't have still hurts yo

"Isn't that lovely?

Isn't that cool?

Isn't that cruel?

And aren't I a fool

to have happily listened,

happy to stay,

happily watching her drift away"

#Steven Universe The Movie #Spinel #Personal #SU #SU Spinel

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readingwebcomics · 5 years

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Analyzing Questionable Content: Pages 201-250

Marten’s closer, Dora. Of course she’d go for his first.

Okay, I’m just going to be upfront and honest with you guys. I’m just really not feeling it for this batch of comics, and that’s part of the reason why I had taken the previous week off. That’s not to say this batch is bad or anything, it’s just... I feel like I have a lot less to say about it than I should. So I apologize ahead of time if this feels too short or if it’s much more dull than usual. I’ll try hitting the high points and give you the proper character analysis I can muster here - the fact that what you see right now, with Marten and Dora going on a date and Faye’s reaction to it, will provide quite a deal of character insight.

For example, right here. Not even a single page later and Faye’s genuine irritation over the situation is showing, despite what she has to say about the situation.

Ignoring for the moment the stupid contraction thing (which, if memory serves, will thankfully be dropped after this batch of comics), do Faye’s eyes look... different to you guys? I don’t know, it feels like Jeph’s making an attempt at a slight tweak in his style here and I mostly notice it in Faye’s eyes. I could be looking way too deep into it though, I’m willing to accept that.

They have some light banter, part of which includes Faye continuing to press on the fact that Dora is hyper-sexual and will jump Marten’s bones the second she gets the chance, Faye goes on and continues her nice streak with Marten by offering to make him dinner. Now, I could take this time to point out the obvious, that Faye is clearly doing this much for him not just out of a sense of guilt over how she’s treated him but also bolstered by the fact that, even if subconsciously, she does NOT want Marten to be with another woman and is vying to keep his attention on her... But Faye doesn’t give us a chance to ponder that for very long.

I don’t blame her, the rims of cans are fucking horrifying. Not as bad as the edges of an outlet box, but thin slices of metal ain’t fun let me tell you.

Despite this, there’s really not much to say about the outcome - we learn that Faye’s last name is Whitaker and that this city has a “punching intern” for the local hospital.

That... can NOT be legal. Then again, if this city held itself to any standards of legality I’m certain the Irony Cafe would be closed already due to false advertising. Plus, this is taking place in America and Faye isn’t freaking out more about not being able to afford the hospital bills than the fact she was injured, so maybe that’s the trade-off to having a halfway decent medical facility.

Oh, and when everyone gets back home, we get a bit more insight into the mechanics of Pintsize.

That raises some questions. If this is unique to this particular platform Pintsize’s AI is housed in, how was he able to taste the cake mix in his previous body? If this is universal between Anthro PCs, then why didn’t Marten already know this if he’s been with Pintsize as long as has been implied thus far? I mean I get it, Jeph’s using this as an outlet to create some lore behind the funny robot people in his comic’s universe, but... I dunno, it just feels like this makes Marten seem more incompetent than anything if he didn’t know this about his own Anthro PC. Maybe if he helped explain it alongside Pintsize to Faye to showcase that he knew about this as well? I dunno.

The next day, Steve gives Marten a call:

Faye, your irritation over the situation isn’t exactly subtle. Also I’ve said it before but I’ll keep saying it - sarcastic Marten is best Marten. I like this Marten a lot.

And so, as a wise Skeleton once said... DATE: START!

We’re already off to an amazing start with Ellen kicking off! And, oooh, it looks like she tripped and injured herself in the initial play! Can she recover, folks? Well before we find out, we have another comic involving a drastic art shift deliberately invoked from Jeph:

youtube

In all seriousness, the art shift isn’t... bad, per-se, it just looks so drastically different that it catches me off guard. As is what usually happens with Jeph in these situations, it takes the next comic for him to reel himself back and find a happy medium between his original style and the new one he wants to experiment with:

Marine Biology is not for the weak of heart. You knew what you were getting into when you took on that major, Ellen. But yeah, while I’ll get more into detail as to what I think about the art shift at the end of the post, I’ll say here that I like it as a natural evolution. It seems like every time Jeph improves, the face is the bit that gets the most focus every time. Remember just last post when I was complaining Jeph wasn’t talented enough to portray the silent emotion he wanted to in Faye’s face? Now, I feel like he probably could.

The date goes well enough, and the evening comes to a close:

My bet is that Steve’s like the Pied Piper of arachnids. I’d believe it were that the case, at least. Also it was mentioned to me that Marten probably did have the eye-shine like the rest of the cast did, but his eye color just made it harder to spot. In this page, that becomes clearer - still hard to see, but much easier than previously.

Oooh dear. Steve’s in some hot water now. Also I just realized that as of yesterday I’m as old as Steve is. Good God, I’m an actual full-blown adult. Christ.

...I’m going to put off thinking about that for too much longer as we move onto the rest of this batch, okay? Okay.

Anyhow, Dora invites Marten into her apartment for some coffee where she cuts right to the fucking chase:

It’s probably for the best you read the conversation yourself, they’re pages 226-228. I say this mostly because I really don’t have anything to add or comment on here - Dora’s a smart lady who gives good advice here, makes it clear that while she’s interested in Marten she wants him to be happy, and all-in-all is one of the coolest people ever. Go Dora!

Go... Dora. Oh. Well, I still think you’re cool. Let’s give this woman some time and cut back to Steve and Ellen!

I have some things to say about this situation that I’ll touch on a little bit later. Marten gets home and makes it clear to Faye that nothing happened between himself and Dora. While quite clearly relieved, she’s a touch confused.

So I’m not the only one who feels strangely sad whenever I eat a s’mores Pop Tart? Oh who am I kidding, I’ve got depression, I’m always fucking sad. And hey, speaking of sexy times, Pintsize throws his proverbial hat into the ring!

Honestly, I kind of knew I should’ve kept track of that pink Anthro PC, but would you believe me if I told you they never got a name? Also could AI fuck over IM? My bet is that 2004-speed internet wouldn’t exactly make it smooth. But man, imagine having sex over the ‘net on Fiber.

...too much? Too much.

The night ends, Steve parts from Ellen telling her he needs a couple of days to sort his head out, and Faye comforts Marten...

...in, erm, a very Faye way... oh hey, Faye, Fae! I wonder if that was intentional on Jeph’s part. Probably not, Faye isn’t quite a Maniac Pixie Dream Girl. For one thing, she’s better written.

If memory serves, I think Dora mentioned she was a blonde previously? Either way she’s crystal clear with it now. Also, while I complimented Jeph before on his faces... I’m not going to lie, he could stand to improve drawing skirts. I don’t blame the guy, I imagine skirts are fucking hard to draw.

Oh, and here we begin an annual tradition of Questionable Content:

I’d like to start a petition for all Questionable Content fans to go by the fan-name “Turkeys” now. You with me, fellow Turkeys?!

...no? Eh, fair enough.

Here we get some interesting information. At least, it gets interesting in the wake of what comes up later - the timescale is more-or-less confirmed here that this takes place around the early to mid 2000s, likely 2004 or so since that’s when the comic was written. I always assumed, considering we have walking AI around, that the universe of Questionable Content took place in the near future... but rather, it seems more like it takes place in an alternate version of history where our technology is slightly ahead of the curve. And yet a lot of pop culture phenomena remained as it did in our version of history, if what they’re saying is true. Again, this doesn’t get super relevant until later comics where we see just how far advanced the technological level in QC has become.

Ellen drops by the Coffee Shop for some advice:

Faye’s gotten a LOT more open recently. Back near the beginning of this comic she would never, never openly admit to giving into any kind of carnal need, and now here she is candidly talking about private shower times.

And while they’re discussing things at the Coffee Shop, Marten and Steve are having their own conversation back at the apartment:

Now here I need to put in my two cents. The characters make a point of saying how they don’t really think the age difference is that big of a deal. Were she legal, which she will be in less than a week, there’s no real problem with an 18 year old dating a 24 year old. I know this is entirely a matter of personal opinion and I fully expect people to disagree with me here. I also suspect this is going to make me sound like a prude, but... yeah, I think there is a problem, there.

Ellen’s a freshman in College. She’s JUST turning 18. While she’s shown to be intelligent enough to get into college early - and good on her for that - she lacks the emotional intelligence or maturity to really strike out into a relationship with someone six years her senior. And Steve, for his part, is too old to get anything out of a relationship with someone so much younger than he is. There’s no real connection there, the difference in emotional maturity is going to make itself evident before too long and the relationship is more prone to self-destruct.

Like I said, feel free to disagree with me there. If you feel like there’s room for a relationship in such an age gap, let me know. I wouldn’t mind starting a conversation or changing my mind, but that’s where my mindset is there - it just wouldn’t work out.

Remember that last line Dora said. It’s going to get much funnier later, to the point where part of me wonders if that was deliberate foreshadowing on Jeph’s part.

And here we welcome Ellen’s roommate, Natasha. My oh my, characters are building up, ain’t they? Just give it time, guys. It gets so, so much worse.

(Also am I the only one stuck on that first panel? Just... I know they already made the joke about her dual-major but there’s something so surreal to that I kind of can’t escape it)

And now, to round out our batch of 50:

Wow. It seems like Dora’s a touch more insecure than she lets on, huh? She seems so cool and in-control of herself that moments like this where it’s surprisingly easy of her to accept that she may have weirded the object of her affections out are much more blatant.

Now that we’ve reached the end of the batch, let’s do our usual beginning and end comparisons:

Like I said before, Jeph has clearly put more detail into the faces. He’s taking steps in the direction of “realistic cartoon” if that makes sense, further details in the wrinkles of their clothes, their bodies looking more defined, that sort of thing. I can’t really decide if I like this newer style better than the older one, but it’s no question that the newer style is a technical improvement. Nice work!

So what’d I think of this batch? Eh... plot happened, I suppose, but it feels like not much ended up happening. I dunno, for my money this felt a lot slower than the last batch... but then again, last batch had Amanda drop by for a visit, so that may have something to do with it. Either way, we have outright confirmation if we didn’t think so before that Dora is super into Marten, but it’s also made clear she’s not going to step in between the dance he and Faye are partaking in right now. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is entirely up to personal opinion, I suppose. I dunno, I feel like having Dora as a potential wild card offered the possibility for drama to shake up the dynamic going on, and without her I fear the dynamic may stagnate.

I mean, I know exactly how the dynamic’s going to go because I’ve read it, but you get the point I’m trying to make here.

Anyhow, you know what time it is now - data analysis time! In this batch of 50, we have...

Marten: 34/50 – 68%

Faye: 29/50 – 58%

Dora: 24/50 – 48%

Ellen: 15/50 – 30%

Steve: 12/50 – 24%

Pintsize: 11/50 – 22%

Natasha: 2/50 – 4%

Miéville: 2/50 – 4%

Grand Total:

Marten: 200/250 – 80%

Faye: 192/250 – 76.8%

Dora: 75/250 – 30%

Pintsize: 61/250 – 24.4%

Steve: 34/250 – 13.6%

Ellen: 18/250 – 7.2%

Amanda: 12/250 – 4.8%

Sara: 7/250 – 2.8%

Jimbo: 5/250 – 2%

Turing: 4/250 – 1.6%

Raven: 3/250 – 1.2%

Miéville: 3/250 – 1.2%

Scott: 2/250 – 0.8%

Natasha: 2/250 – 0.8%

Ell: 1/250 – 0.4%

Personally, I won’t be satisfied until Jimbo overtakes Sara in his number of appearances. You can do it, Jimbo! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

...erm, in any case, tune in next week for the thrilling next installment of QC! You ready for more backstory on our main characters? I know I am! See you then.

#Questionable Content #Faye #Marten #Dora #Steve #Ellen #Long-form analysis #analysis

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under-the-lake · 5 years

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Crimes of Grindelwald - First Impressions

WARNING: THIS PAPER IS FULL TO THE BRIM WITH SPOILERS

I went to see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them - The Crimes of Grindelwald on 14th November, when it was released in Switzerland. I had read quite a lot about it before, had asked a lot of questions (see this paper for them; it was written before the final trailer was out: http://under-the-lake.tumblr.com/post/176871006891/it-has-to-be-you-fantastic-beasts-the-second ), and got some answers and quite a number of new questions. Here’s a first and short delivery of my mind ramblings, but I need to see the film a couple more times to have all the details ready for a deeper delve into it.

The title of that first paper on Crimes of Grindelwald was It Has to Be You. I was sort of gutted because it seemed that this series was going to be The Chosen One all over again, but IT IS NOT, which makes me very happy. I liked the film, and I’m curious to see how the plot develops from here. I thought there would be more plot development, but actually this second film is preparing the Chessboard for the real action, I guess, narrowing the focus and clarifying loyalties and challenges.

The Crimes of Grindelwald (CoG) is, on the whole, the start of the Real Thing. Only the start, mind. Seeing the trailers and all the online theorising made me think that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them was only some sort of prologue to the other four films. After having seen CoG, I reckon it’s right. If we compare with Tolkien’s Lord of the Ring, Fantastic Beasts was the first 500 pages, until the Company reaches Rivendell, and CoG is the bit from Rivendell to Lothlórien and the journey on the Anduin to the Falls of Rauros. So a bit slow, but setting everything that needs to be set for the rest of the plot to actually get going smoothly.

The film starts at MACUSA (and NOT the American Ministry of Magic, as stated in the film and unfortunately in the script as well- it was not canon), with Grindelwald being moved to Europe for trial. A couple of things happen here that were sort of easy to figure out would: Grindelwald escapes (that was obvious), with the help of Abernathy (which wasn’t obvious for everyone, I guess), and he has the Elder Wand and a pendant that holds some kind of blood-coloured moving liquid. You might ask why I thought Abernathy was going to betray MACUSA. Well, Abernathy (pic below) was always too oily towards Percival Graves not to be the local Pettigrew, wasn’t he.

Grindelwald’s pendant is a bit weird, at the beginning, because it apparently serves Abernathy to save his own life when he puts it into his mouth? Of course, later in the film we learn what it is, namely a blood pact of nonaggression between Dumbledore and Grindelwald, that they made when meeting in Godric’s Hollow, 30 or so years before. So THAT is the reason why Dumbledore cannot attack Grindelwald. Unless he destroys it, which we can guess he’ll end up doing because otherwise the Chocolate Frog Cards and A History of Magic are lying. Newt’s Niffler sees to the pendant’s being stolen from Grindelwald during that Germania-type meeting in the Cimetière du Père Lachaise at the end of the film, that is so reminiscent of gatherings of Nazi or Fascists during the rise of extremist governments after WW1.

I LOVE Newt’s basement. Just LOVE it. Even that Kelpie I was so very skeptical about. Those animals are great. I’d have loved to see more of them, and also more of the baby Nifflers, but they are all cute. The funniest, though, must be the Augurey, particularly because of the interaction it has with Jacob. Bunty, on the other hand, is just a flat version of Lavender Brown, and doesn’t seem to fill any role in the film. Is she going to be there later? Meh, for the moment I couldn’t care less.

About the new creatures we see in the film, they are really cool. Apart from the Matagots. I mean not the creatures per se, but the way it is so obvious they are CGI compared to the rest, which are brilliant work.

The Kelpie is great, but I still don’t get how Newt can have domesticated it as an underwater creature. It goes against all the lore and even against his own book. Or is it that it’s one more creature he’s nurturing back to health? Still, they tend to eat humans, Keplies do.

The star of the creature show, apart from the Niffler, who’s discreet but capital, is the Zouwu (see picture above), a sort of Chinese dragon, that Newt frees from his chains and that becomes a valuable ally. It is really amazing.

Now Queenie and Jacob. Well, that was sort of foreseeable, wasn’t it? I mean that they end up together. I (and other people online as well) had thought that since the Swooping Evil Venom used at the end of the first film didn’t really Obliviate people but only erased bad memories, Jacob couldn’t have lost his, since they weren’t bad. The last scene in his bakery at the end of the first film is clear enough about that. What is a bit far-fetched to me is the fact that Queenie thinks it obligatory to charm Jacob to make him follow her. Why? Because he wouldn’t leave his flourishing business? He does love her, so much so that he doesn’t want her to risk her liberty for him. She says it’s because of the laws: in the USA, relationships of any kind between the magical community and Muggles are strictly forbidden, and thus a marriage would end up with Queenie in prison and Jacob properly Obliviated (this time).

The use of a spell to enchant her lover reminds me a bit of Merope Gaunt, I must say, with the minor difference that Tom Riddle Sr. didn’t love Merope, and therefore her using a potion (yeh I know, Queenie used a spell) is more ‘understandable’. Plus, if the couple actually travels to Europe, why not marry there where the laws aren’t that primitive? Queenie suggests it, at some point, but Jacob still refuses. This is a complete mystery to me, I must admit. I mean the logic doesn’t fit.

BUT. If there was one of the four heroes who should rally Grindelwald, I thought it would have been Queenie, because she’s got a different sense of right and wrong, because she’s got that weakness when it comes to feelings, and because, on a more ‘evidence’ point of view, her head is straight under Grindelwald’s logo in the San Diego 2018 ComicCon poster. IT WAS QUEENIE. I’m glad she does. We’ll see how it gets going though, I’m rather curious about her future. Will she realise that whatever Grindelwald’s promises, Jacob is not part of them? And how come she doesn’t read his mind? Is Grindelwald using Occlumency against her? But she’s not a canon legilimens, whatever Rowling tries to explain about that. She can’t access people’s hidden stuff. Hmm…

However, I don’t think, as many reports do, that Queenie has turned evil. I reckon she’s only desperate to get above those MACUSA laws that prevent her marrying Jacob. She doesn’t think much, though, does she. Yet she’s been showing wit and presence of mind in the first film, where she plays an instrumental part in saving her friends: when she blackmailed that MACUSA official to get Jacob back, and helping the lot out of the building inside her suitcase. She knows how to use her charms with some cleverness and à-propos. So why the ruddy hell does she let herself draw in by Grindelwald? Why doesn’t she question his statements, while she knows who he is perfectly well? This is really weird. I mean she’d be the perfect character to show that it’s not because someone looks like the local Betty Boop she is a peabrain, and can do nothing of her life but be idle. She’d be superbe at that. Maybe she will, in the end, because she needs to travel through darkness to find her own light. Maybe we’ll have a spy again. Maybe… dunno. Maybe she’ll just stay with Grindelwald. Hope not, though.

About Obliviation…. I didn’t know that it also meant ‘removing only the bad memories off the head’. That sounds weird. So what the Swooping Evil Venom does is wipe off bad memories. That’s what Newt says in his suitcase to Jacob, in the first film (scene 46). Later, when the whole of New York needs to be Obliviated, he suggests the use of that same venom. If everyone in New York had their bad memories wiped off, that means they are starting a completely new life based only on their good memories from the whole of their lives. That’s a bit harsh, like a memory genocide. I mean imagine the whole city waking up and not knowing what bad things had happened, who is your foe or why you can’t get to do something you wanted? Plus, I’m sure that some people had good memories related to seeing creatures in Central Park or things like that. So they would still remember them. This isn’t canon Obliviation, and furthermore, doesn’t stick to the USA law that says wipe off ALL memories of magic from Muggles, not only the good ones. Mind you, how would it have looked like if they had been really Obliviated? A whole city of strangers? Big Loophole, I reckon. Which brings us back to Jacob’s situation. He apparently hasn’t forgotten about everything. But how could you say that being chased off by an Erumpent across Central Park could be a good memory? Yet Jacob hasn’t forgotten about them magical rhinos, since we can see Erumpent pastries in his bakery window display. This is all very strange. Kikimora suggested that actually after the canning factory (that sucks all the life out of him), having such an adventure can’t be a bad memory. I reckon she’s got a point here :P

Leta. Hm…. Well, she sacrifices herself in the end. Is that going to provide some kind of protection to the Scamander brothers? Or was it only because she couldn’t make up her mind between them or between light and darkness? Or because she was feeling too guilty? However, I’m glad that she’s not related to Credence, and that the Lestrange thing is something different. Leta is a complex character, and I’d have liked her to develop a bit more in the future films. It seems like a waste, for the moment.

Now there’s one question, from one snake to another. The Maledictus is Credence’s friend (or whatever you want to call that relationship of two scarred souls). She doesn’t really have a part to play in this film, but I guess that she’s not there for nothing, because of her name, for one. Nagini. That’s Voldemort’s pet snake, that Wormtail milked to feed him when he was trying to survive in Goblet of Fire, which makes me wonder, by the way: how can a snake be milked, unless the final transformation the Maledictus goes through is not complete, and that at the moment of transforming she is with a baby and breastfeeding. Plus, she’d be over 90 years old when Voldy uses her. That’s a lot of interrogations. And second, she’s been separated from Credence at the end of the film, because he was once again lured by Grindelwald, who claims he knows his true identity. She can’t just see him go and that’s it, can she. Third, HOW THE BLOODY HELL COME that seeing this, she would end up joining Voldemort? HOW?

Credence… well. He’s alive, no big deal there, and starting to control both his Obscurus and his magic. He’s joined that weirdo circus because it was travelling to Paris, and he knew there were answers to his quest about his true identity on the Old Continent. He knew about that half-elf, Irma, who had taken care of him on his journey to New York when he was a baby (so it must have been around 1904, right?), so he goes looking for her with the Maledictus after they escape from the circus. Now I don’t get it why he’s drawn to her. Why are they escaping together? Maybe only because they’re both outcasts, and both being in an abusive environment they can’t stand.

Then there’s this Ministry of Magic (MoM) bloke who took the job to track him down and kill him (the job that was offered to Newt but which he flatly refused - You’ve never met a monster you couldn’t love), but he kills Irma instead. Like WHAT? Why? So that she wouldn’t tell him the truth? As if she knew it. We learn later in the film that Credence is the baby she delivered to MaryLou Barebone in New York, but that is should have been little Corvus Lestrange, who was apparently killed by Leta herself on the journey, because she swapped the babies (her brother Corvus was whining too much, and she couldn’t stand it anymore, so she swapped it with another baby, but then the boat sank).

That Ministry bloke is apparently secretly working for Grindelwald because the MoM policies are too soft (see scene under the bridge). So he probably was afraid that Irma’s hugging Credence would lessen his powers since love and family are -again- the remedy to the curse of the Obscurial…

In the end we learn, via the fact that Credence is having a baby Phoenix first (twice in the film, actually), but then because Grindelwald tells him, that he’s actually Dumbledore’s brother Aurelius. Right. I think I’ll keep that discussion for the second batch of reflections, because it needs a bit of digging. Still, I couldn’t resist adding a picture of the cover of the Crimes of Grindelwald screenplay, where it is obvious that a phoenix (or two) are hiding.

Flamel. Something weird about him. ‘We don’t keep food in the house.’ WHAT? Of course he and Pernelle are rich enough with the Stone not to have to cook themselves, but seeing how Flamel moves, I can’t imagine him rambling around Paris to go to restaurants thrice a day. Even climbing into a motor might be something of a challenge. Some could argue the Flamels don’t need to eat. Yeh. Well, since when does Immortality and Wealth dispense you from eating? That’s not consistent with the story around the Stone, be it only the glimpse we see in Philosopher’s Stone or the reality of the alchemical achievement. I’m a bit disappointed in the part the character has to play. Just a safe home for Yusuf to recover and have his water dragon parasite removed from his eye, and that’s about it? We do get a glimpse of the Philosopher’s Stone, and yes, Flamel has some kind of Palantir he uses to see what happens outside, and yes he’s at the Père Lachaise for the final scene, but still I’m like so that’s it right? meh.

We go back to Hogwarts. The young Newt is played amazingly well, given that he had to match Eddie Redmayne. Well done Joshua Shea (and David Yates for casting him and not using visual effects to make Redmayne look younger)! Apart from the pinch when you see Hogwarts appear from above with the Dark Lake and all, it’s nothing special. Leta takes a tour, which leads her to speak with Dumbledore and this dialogue is probably the one worthy of attention during all the Hogwarts sequences (apart from ‘would you like a cup of tea’ in the end) - and adds to the ‘why did you kill her?’ question.

Young McGonagall is completely out of character. Sounds like she’s been taken straight from Cursed Sh***... that was a disappointment. She’d never behave as she does in this scene.

And I still haven’t got over the fact that Dumbledore is teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. No explanation is given in the film. I’m annoyed.

The French Ministry of Magic is accessed via a fountain. As said in my previous paper, I was wondering how people would be entering it in a non conspicuous way, because apart from shrinking themselves in the middle of the street and jumping into the plumbing… well. Apparently they vanish and the fountain sprouts some kind of railings? Come on people, this is a heavy breach of the Statute of Secrecy. Muggles wouldn’t see people disappearing?? No way. It is already bizarre enough at King’s Cross. Second thing is that again, the location tag on the screen reads ‘French Ministry of Magic’. Well, that’s not in accordance with what it is called everywhere else, namely Le Ministère des Affaires Magiques de la France’. Why??

Same question in the USA: Why, in the name of Merlin’s most baggy pants, is MACUSA referred to as ‘American Ministry of Magic’? First of all, America is a continent, not a country. Referring to it as ‘American’ (YES, I know it’s common to do that but it still irks me) means that there are no other countries that can claim to be American in all three subcontinents. Try and tell Canadians that they don’t live in America, or Brazilians, or Mexicans. That’s not right. Well. If we set this ‘detail’ aside, the name of the United-Statesian Ministry of Magic is The Magical Congress of the United States of America, and NOT The American Ministry of Magic. Rowling made it quite plain in all her writings on Pottermore, for instance. So why WHY change that now? It only makes canon void of sense and nomenclature confusing.

Apparently, there’s a whole Wizarding layer to Paris, unlike London or New York, that you can enter via a statue of a woman sitting on a column (pic above). The Paris you enter has exactly the same map as the Muggle one, but it’s a parallel Paris. A bit weird, but probably the only way to manage a magical travelling circus without having to make yourself unplottable. Mind you, the Hogwarts Express can’t be seen by Muggles. So why couldn’t the same technique be used on a circus?

I’ll save Grindelwald, the raven and the Lestrange vault for my second piece, as well as Newt, Tina and Dumbledore, I think. I thought I’d leave the Deathly Hallows for the second bit too, but no. WHERE ARE THEY? They are everywhere from the title of the film to all the artwork by MinaLima, but not once are they mentioned in the film. Apart from the Elder Wand, in the hands of Grindelwald. Like the Potter films. Me. Is. Lost.

Many people around me or online have been complaining that this film had killed the wizarding world. Well I reckon it hasn’t, quite the contrary. It’s embedding Hogwarts in the Wizarding World, and not the other way round, folks. Rowling always stated that the Fantastic Beasts series would not be a children’s film series. She also often spoke about this as an allegory of the Interwar period, meaning the rise of extremism in Europe, culminating in WW2. It’s not a fairy tale, and not meant to be so.

Some more questions remain unanswered from before, or some details from this film, regarding the things discussed - or rather said - in this bit of writing:

Why didn’t Grindelwald kill the MoM official at the beginning, and ‘only’ made him fall into the Hudson river?

How come people can Apparate on the Hogwarts Bridge while all sources tell us you cannot Apparate on the grounds?

Why is a bloke called Travers the head of the MoM delegation sent to Hogwarts?

Why is the man replacing Newt to track down Credence so ambiguous? What’s his real role?

What’s Credence’s real family tree? Is he Dumbledore’s brother or half-brother? What’s the story behind this?

Phoenixes come to the Dumbledore family members when in dire need of help. Are there two phoenixes or is the one that comes to Credence actually already Fawkes?

So many questions, and so many more to come... when I get time enough to write the second part of this. Happy thinking, and please comment below with your own thoughts, agreements, disagreements, etc...!

Sources

Rowling, J. K. (2016). Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them - The Original Screenplay. Little Brown, London, UK.

Rowling, J. K. (2018). Fantastic Beasts - The Crimes of Grindelwald - The Original Screenplay. Little Brown, London, UK.

#louhi #J. K. Rowling #Crimes of Grindelwald #Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them #Queenie #Jacob #Flamel #Credence #Leta #The Maledictus #Abernathy #First Impressions

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kazosa · 7 years

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Second Chances - Jeff x Reader: Chapter 21

Summary: Reader and Jeff work a project and become fast friends. The project ends and they go their separate ways, neither forgetting the other. With Hollywood being a small community, you two bump into one another either at events or projects, but there is always something keeping you apart. Will the obstacles ever end? Chapter 21 Summary: Reader has an event at her job. Someone close to the reader is hurt. Warnings: language (as usual), angst, hospital A/N: Please leave comments or let me know if you want to be tagged, etc. I took a little bit of liberty with the second event. But I tried to make it reasonable. Word count: 2100 Catch up here: Masterlist Tags: @jml509 @jasoncrouse @yellatthetopofyourlungs @bookchic20 @prettyepiic @rizflo-blog @curious-sub7 @backseat-negan @warriorqueen1991

The very next day, you were at work and Jeff called you, he never did that, you always called him. That’s how you did it when only one of you was working. “What’s wrong?” you answered. “It’s Norman. He was in an accident. It’s bad,” he said. “How bad. He’s not…” you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. “Don’t know yet. He went through a window. His face is messed up, not sure about his eye. I wanted you to know before it was all over the news,” he said. “What do you want to do?” you asked him. “Do you know where he is yet?” “No, I need to call Helena later. She called to let me know what happened, she’s still his emergency contact. When I know more, I’ll let you know,” he said. You ended the call and worked the rest of the day in a daze. When work was finished for the day, you went to the production office and asked them if you could have time off to visit your friend. They were less than pleased with your request. They said that you could have vacation time, but not until the current episode was completed, in seven days. “This is such bullshit! I never ask you guys for anything. Do you know that in my entire working career, I’ve never taken a sick day or a vacation day? I need this time off. He’s like family to me and my boyfriend,” you argued. “Okay,” the executive producer said, “Just make it permanent. Make sure your forwarding address is correct with HR before you leave.” “You know, I’ve worked some shit jobs before, and this one is probably #2 on the list. Everybody fucking hates each other here. It’s amazing that you have such a following. Fuck you, I don’t need this job,” you said. You were about to storm out when the executive called after you. “That’s a shitty attitude that won’t get you hired with this studio again.” You reeled around and went back to lean over the desk, “Did you just fucking threaten me? Believe it or not, a pee-on like me has a lot of friends in high places. Maybe you should be more concerned for YOUR future with the studio!” That felt good, that felt really good, and slamming the door on the way out was the icing on the cake. It wasn’t entirely true, but that jerk didn’t know. Jeff would probably be surprised, but you knew he’d back you up on your decision.

A few days later, you and Jeff were out on the patio, sitting together under the big fluffy blanket when Jeff got the information he needed from Helena. Norman was in critical condition and the German hospital was not going to let him have visitors for two more days. Two days passed and Helena called Jeff in tears saying that Norman was awake and didn’t want any visitors. She was pissed, too, but she respected his wishes because of Mingus. You and Jeff didn’t have to respect a damn thing. “Oh, hell no, we’re going,” you told Jeff. “I dunno, babe, he can be pretty stubborn, too,” he said, secretly proud of her. “Stubborn, huh? I’ve had scarier people than Norman Reedus scream at me,” you said. “I’m gonna book us a trip.” “Sweetheart, not that I’m knocking your decision to quit, but aren’t you going to be itching for work once we come back?” he asked. You smiled. You had an ace in the hole. Not only did you get an email from Bob Singer, you also heard from Kim Manners telling you to get transferred to Vancouver for a new show he would be on to direct. “I got an email from Bob a couple days ago. He wants me on his crew in Vancouver. He’s got a show that he’s trying to get picked up with Kripke and Manners. It’s pretty fucking awesome. There’s a catch though,” you said. Jeff smirked, “You mean the fact that you told an executive producer to go fuck himself?” “I didn’t say that…per se… but the dick had it coming. I wasn’t going to stand there and let him shit on me because I wanted to go see my friend,” you explained. “Whoa, I’m on your side, sweetheart. I’m just saying, if you’re gonna do it, you should get on it now so if you need to smooth shit over, you can,” he said. He was right, he usually was, you just didn’t like to point it out. “What about you, do you want me to take it? Vancouver isn’t a tough flight, but it’ll suck none the less,” you said. Jeff had finally found a manager that was going to do him justice. Pilot season was coming soon and you’d checked with them to make sure they had their hustle-game going. Jeff was excited, he had a bunch of auditions that were coming up. Most of them either filmed in Vancouver or somewhere around Hollywood. Your job would mean you would be steady in Vancouver for filming season. “(Y|N), I think you’ll be miserable if you don’t have steady work. I love you to death, but I can’t take you around the house all day,” he said smiling. You elbowed him in the ribs. “Watch it pal, I’m the one that washes your clothes, I can make things disappear.” He chuckled, “I’m kidding!” He rubbed his ribs. “Your elbows are so bony! You know I always want you close, but sometimes that’s just not going to work out. It’ll be cool if I get a job in Vancouver.” “Okay, I’ll give Bob a call later and let him know what happened,” you told him.

Your call to Bob had gone well. Telling him what you’d done when you left Gilmore Girls had him rolling. “Don’t worry about it, kid,” he’d said, “I’m the one who gets to make the call on who is hired. Call me when you get back from Germany, we’ll figure out when to get you up to Vancouver.” “Thanks Bob, I’m looking forward to it,” you told him, sincerely grateful you had a friend like him. The worry about not having a job to go back to was starting to get to you, just like Jeff said. It had taken a few days to actually talk to Bob and you were glad when you finally heard his voice. As if he knew what you were thinking, he said, “It’s good to talk to you, kid. I need my best up here, and you’re it. I think this show has at least a couple good years in it. The boards look really good.” “Can’t wait to see it. Can you send me a script at all, or do I need to bribe Kripke?” you joked. “Let’s set up a meet up in Vancouver and we can talk details then,” he suggested. You told Bob that sounded good and you managed to work out a meet with Bob at the same time that Jeff was going to do some auditions up there. It was something nice to look forward to, Vancouver was a beautiful city and it would be nice to spend time there with Jeff.

A week after Helena had called last, you were standing outside of Norman’s room listening to the English-speaking nurse trying to talk to him. He wasn’t having it. The nurse came back to the door where you were waiting for her. She opened the door to only show her face, Norman was still going on. “I’m sorry miss, he is adamant, no visitors,” she said. “Why doesn’t anyone listen!? Tell her to go the fuck away!” you hear Norman ranting, his voice sounded odd. “Miss, he’s not himself…” she said. “I’m not leaving until I see him,” you told her flatly. Jeff had given up in favor of food. He’d lasted seven hours before he got hungry enough to leave. “He can be a stubborn ass all he wants, but I perfected it!!” you yelled so he could hear. You looked back to the nurse, “If he pitches a fit, I’ll say I snuck in so you don’t get in trouble.” She looked down and to the inside of the room. You knew you had her. She let go of the door so you could walk in. She squeezed your arm in passing. You rolled your shoulders and gave your arms a shake. He was gonna be tear into you as much as he could. “I told you not to fucking come!” he bellowed. Yep, he was mad. He started throwing things in your general direction, missing you to the right. The left side of his face was in bad shape, still covered in bandages. You’d seen worse, but not by much. When he was out of ammo, you approached his bed. You went to his right side of the bed so he could see you without strain. You didn’t say anything for a moment. He wouldn’t look at you, either. “You gonna tell me it’s not that bad?” he asked. “Nope, you look like shit,” you told him. That made him turn to look at you. “You’re a shitty friend.” “No, I’m not, and neither is Jeff. He’s just out getting us food. You can do this alone if you want, but we wanted to make sure you knew that we’d be here if you needed us,” you told him. “We stopped at Helena’s before we came. She gave us this for you.” You pulled out a photo frame and handed it to him. You watched as he looked at the recent picture of Mingus. After a long pause, he laid the photo down on his lap, “What if I don’t look the same…after? What if he doesn’t recognize me?” You took his hand in yours and squeezed. “You’re still the same person, Norm. I think he’s happy you’re still alive. He’s just worried you won’t come home.” He looked a little emotional, “Word is still out on whether or not you have brain damage, though.” “Dick,” he muttered. “Asshole,” you said. He’d had a couple surgeries already, but the swelling was still prominent. His face had been wrapped tight and though he was sitting at an angle, it was tough for him to talk for extended periods yet. He had very little feeling in his face, said it was like half his head was full of Novocain all the time making it hard for him to speak. You weren’t going to blow smoke up his ass about his condition. He was out of the toughest part, but he still needed at least one more surgery before they’d let him leave. Jeff had come back about twenty minutes after you’d barged in. He’d brought food back for all of you and you ate a bit and helped Norman with his. With his face feeling numb, eating was a challenge. You just picked up what didn’t stay in and didn’t make a fuss over it. Jeff noticed when Norman was having a hard time keeping his eye open and he nudged you and nodded at Norm. Jeff kissed his forehead on his right side and said his goodbye. “Love you, brother,” he said. “Is there any place on your head where you can feel anything?” you asked him. He pointed to his right cheek. Your heart broke a little for him, but he was tough and you knew he would be fine. You took his right hand, put your left on the back of his neck and kissed him quickly on his cheek. “I love you, too, Norman,” you looked in his eyes. “We have a few more days here before we need to go back. Don’t pitch a hissy when we come back, okay?” “You’re so mean to me,” he said sleepily. “Only ‘cause I like you,” you smirked and stood up. “Jesus, what do you do to people you don’t like?” he grumbled. “I’m sure they live peaceful, happy lives,” you squeezed his hand. “Lucky fucks,” he said. You waved and left him to rest. Jeff and you went to visit Norman during normal visiting hours each of the next few days and brought him things to do so he could kill time. You found him some English crossword puzzles and magazines to look at. When you weren’t with Norman, you and Jeff did some touristy things and, for the most part, had a good time. Seeing Norman all jacked up wasn’t a happy thing, but it was good to see him and you both hoped it would help to lift his spirits. It was time to go home and get back to work.

#second chances #jeffrey dean morgan #jdm #reader insert #jeff x reader #you x jeff #chapter 21 #kazosa

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jirouchan · 7 years

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AFTG Valentine’s Exchange

A gift for @butterflieswith-puncturedwings for the @aftgexchange

I was not going to enter with a fic at first because I am not a very good writer (and English is my second-or-actually-third language) but the assignment got me the idea and I couldn’t resist. Hope you like it!

The prompt: Andrew, Renee, and Neil doing stuff together. Precisely, they cook. Somewhat. I dunno. (With little bits of side Renison and Matt and Dan and other Foxes and even mentions of bets, I tried to include at least some). Also, there are two Instagram entries to go with the text.

Available on AO3

The recipes I used (but I changed them slightly for the text’s purposes):

Espresso Martini Cupcakes

Ferrero Rocher Cupcakes

Neil looked at the disaster on the table. The recipe he found online said it was the easiest thing in the universe to do but Neil had somehow messed it up anyway. What he now has before him has chocolate all over it and some of the cupcakes crumbled the moment he tried to get them out of the pan. The only thing that stayed whole in those was the hazelnuts from Ferrero Rocher chocolate he put inside.

The worst thing in all that—Neil isn’t really sure what exactly he did wrong. He eyes the bag in the corner of the kitchen. Ever too cautious, he actually bought extra ingredients, and if he could ask anyone what went wrong without it making the team news he might be able to actually do it right the second time.

Kevin is in a beanbag watching a game on his laptop but his eyes follow Neil when Neil strides past him, hands covered with chocolate and batter under his short-cut nails. Neil doesn’t stop to explain. He only stops in the bathroom on the way because Allison would kill him if he damaged the new smartphone she bullied him (and, consequently, Andrew) into buying.

Among all the boys in the team, except Andrew, Nicky would most certainly indulge in something as sweet as cupcakes so he could be of help. But Nicky has that lack of brain-to-mouth filter and a whole team or even campus will know Neil is making cupcakes the moment Nicky hears of it. And although the times passed when Neil jumped at every bit of attention, he still does not enjoy being the center of it. Also, both team and campus include Andrew. Calling Nicky is out of the question.

Aaron has Katelyn to cook for him, and anyway Neil would never go to Aaron with this. Jarring comments, ridicule, and complete lack of help wouldn’t be worth the effort.

Matt said himself that he couldn’t cook a decent meal to save his life.

Dan could help, Neil thinks, but she and Matt have their Valentine’s date today and Neil doesn’t want to interrupt them. They don’t have a lot of dates, with exy and how messed up a team the Foxes are and all that.

Allison, aside from being a social media star and posting every moderately interesting thing happening around (and Neil cooking cupcakes is not just moderately interesting) on Twitter and Instagram, probably never really cooked, Neil ponders. Not that she can’t, per se, but Neil is sure she wouldn’t really enjoy the process. And she has Renee to cook for her.

Right, Renee. That is his best shot.

“Neil?” Renee sounds surprised when she accepts the call. “Is everything okay?”

“Er, yeah?” Neil answers, a bit puzzled. Then he tries to count the times he called Renee and comes out empty. He pushes the sudden guilt deeper inside. “Sorry to bother you but I might use a little help if you’re not busy? A cooking advice.”

He thinks this would result in a minute silence as everyone knows Neil never really cooks but Renee just ‘sure’s casually.

“Should I leave the room or you’re okay with Allison eavesdropping?” she asks instead.

Neil stalls for a second.

“Errr. If she promises to not say a word at least till evening...”

“She does,” Renee says without losing a beat, undoubtedly taking Allison’s phone and netbook from her. The loud “Hey!” is proof enough.

“So what happened?”

“I messed up some cupcakes but I don’t know what I did wrong. Can’t really try again before I find out?”

He knows he sounds more uncertain than he usually allows himself to. He can’t bring himself to care. This is Renee, after all, she’ll understand.

“What kind of cupcakes?” Renee asks.

“Chocolate ones” Neil answers the same time Allison shouts ‘That’s a stupid question, the monster eats chocolate like he can’t get fat’ from somewhere in the room with Renee. She really is eavesdropping.

“No, not the flavor. You used a cake mix, I think? So what kind. And also how the cakes turned out exactly,” she is silent for just a second before continuing. “Maybe I should come to your room and see? That would be more accurate. And I could supervise you.”

Why didn’t Neil think of it himself from the start?

“That would be great! I mean, if you’re not busy”

“I’m not. Be there in a couple minutes”

“Thanks, Renee” Neil says. He feels a bit more confident.

She murmurs ‘nevermind’ and hangs up and Neil heads back to the kitchen to get the extra ingredients unpacked.

Except when he gets there, Andrew is standing at the kitchen door observing the mess Neil left. Kevin stands behind Andrew, and Nicky, too, taps something with his phone and giggles. He beams instantly when he spots Neil.

“Awwwww, Neil! Were you making Valentine’s cupcakes for Andrew? You’re the best boyfriend ever!”

Andrew is silent. Well, Andrew is silent most of the time, but Neil learned to interpret his silence, both for himself and for the team (he has a lot of practice with the youngest members). This silence is unimpressed. Andrew’s voice is equally unimpressed when he turns to look at Neil.

“You’re a loser.”

“I thought you had classes,” is all Neil can say to that.

“Kevin called.” Andrew answers. “Said you’re trying to burn down the dorm. Probably was scared you’ll do it with him inside.”

Kevin scowls as he points at Neil accusingly.

“You left the oven on,” he says.

“And instead of getting me in my room, you called Andrew,” Neil answers, crossing his arms and scowling back at Kevin.

‘You spoiled the surprise’ he wants to say but doesn’t. Kevin just ‘hump’s and returns to his laptop.

A tentative tap at the door announces Renee, giving Neil an excuse to not stand there longer staring at Andrew’s back. Renee has Allison’s laptop under her arm and a bag in her hand at which Neil blinks in surprise.

“I thought you might not have some handy tools,” she smiles at him. The smile doesn't falter one bit when she spots Andrew. It never does and Neil is always infinitely grateful for that. Except, for a change, he would prefer it if Andrew was still in class.

“Hi Andrew. Will you join us?” Renee slides into a kitchen as if it is not strange at all for either of the boys to cook cupcakes with her in their kitchen.

To Neil’s surprise, Andrew follows Renee to the kitchen. That’s when Neil notices the bags in his hands. Didn’t Andrew come straight from class?

While Renee rummages in their fridge and lines everything she’ll need, Andrew deposits the bags on the cabinet and goes to wash his hands. Neil pokes into one of the bags to find oranges there, some tangerines, and other fruit. The second bag has alcohol—they run out of vodka a couple days ago when they celebrated a winning streak.

Andrew comes back dressed in his sweats and a t-shirt, the ever-present armbands covering his scars the same as Neil’s do but his sleeves rolled up. He pushes Neil to the chair.

“Sit there.”

Nicky is near Neil in a blink, with a stupidly delighted expression on his face and a phone still in his hand.

“I need a close-up of those!” he shouts and all but jumps around in delight. Neil imagines there is some kind of bet again on his and Andrew’s relationship and Nicky might have won it. Which does not prevent Nicky from being genuinely happy for them but is probably still true.

Andrew surely comes to the same conclusion as he shows Nicky out of the kitchen with a hand on Nicky’s face. Nicky still manages to get a photo of a disaster that is Neil’s attempt on cupcakes.

Renee separates the cupcakes on two plates, the completely ruined and the slightly better ones.

“You should throw them all out,” Neil says to Renee. She smiles at him and puts the plates on a windowsill.

“Most are still edible, just a bit messy,” she says. “If you want, I can take them to a charity dinner I go to sometimes. But I think they are not that bad.”

Neil nods to whatever Renee wants to do with the cupcakes and tries to stand up.

“So what exactly did I do wrong and where do we start now?”

“Oh, I think you maybe just put too much batter in some molds and too little in others,” Renee points to the crumbled cakes. “These ones got a bit overcooked and dry. And then you tried to pour chocolate over them before they cooled down so it melted too much. This is not a major mistake, you did great for the first time.”

Andrew snorts at that.

“What?” Neil turns to him, feeling irritated.

“It’s not that easy to mess up cupcakes,” Andrew says, putting two oranges on the table, then he points Neil back to the chair. “Sit there.”

“I’m making cupcakes with Renee,” Neil says. Andrew rolls his eyes and shows Neil to the chair. He points to the oranges and gives Neil a peeler.

“Peel.”

“What?”

“You’re making cupcakes. Peel.”

Neil’s puzzled expression is met by Andrew’s bored one.

“Orange zest adds to the flavor,” Renee helps. “It’s not necessary and is not often in recipes but it goes well with chocolate.”

As Renee starts to prepare the cake mix, Neil watches Andrew mixing some flour with milk before he takes the dish where Neil mixed whipping cream with chocolate chips and vanilla and he adds there some more of those too.

“What are you doing, Andrew?” Neil asks, finished peeling the second orange.

Andrew casts a side glance at him and points to the orange.

“Eat those. We don’t need them.”

Then he takes the mixer and Neil can’t really ask anything over the sound. Renee seems to understand Andrew, though, as she takes another dish too and separates the dough she made into two parts.

Neil feels stupid over the whole situation: he wanted to surprise Andrew with chocolate cupcakes covered with chocolate and with more chocolate on the top (he thought of Andrew the moment he saw the recipe) and now it looks like Andrew will make the cupcakes for himself by himself, if with a bit of Renee’s help. And Neil will only peel oranges. And eat them.

“Neil,” Andrew turns off the mixer. “Make strong coffee.”

“What?” Neil asks for what feels like tenth time in the last half an hour. Andrew gets a bottle of vodka and one of whiskey from the bag he brought.

“Espresso martini cupcakes. Except not martini,” he explains as he pours couple of spoons of both whiskey and vodka into one of the bowls with dough and into the cream he made earlier. Then he swings some of the whiskey right from the bottle before putting it aside. As he proceeds to mix one and then the other, Renee takes the peel Neil got off the oranges and grates it into the dough without alcohol.

Neil feels his nerves slowly calming at Andrew giving him orders. Andrew does not think Neil is all that unhelpful. It still stings a little that he couldn’t manage the cupcakes on his own but it’s okay. It’s not the last time.

So Neil makes coffee (stronger than they usually drink). Renee takes the mixer from Andrew and mixes the dough. Neil watches Andrew lick the cream from his fingers, reluctant to wash off even a bit of sweetness and alcohol. Somehow, from Andrew this does not look as lewd as Neil thought it would. But he still wants to lick it from Andrew’s fingers himself. He feels heat coming up his neck but with Renee in the room, he just chews on his lip and does nothing.

“Renee, you have coffee extract at yours?” Andrew asks when Renee turns off the mixer.

“Yes. Need some?” Renee turns to Andrew as Andrew nods, Neil trailing his movements from the corner of his eye.

They have the extract too, and Andrew must know this. Maybe Andrew noticed his hungry stare after all.

“I’ll go get it then,” Renee says and exits the room.

Neil hears the coffee pot signaling ready but he ignores it, instead making a step towards Andrew.

Andrew has some cream splatters left on his neck and near his left ear.

“Andrew, yes or no?”

“Yes,” Andrew turns to him with one eyebrow raised and he hisses silently when Neil drags his tongue from Andrew’s neck up. The skin is salty after a day and sweet from cream. It tastes uniquely of Andrew and Neil loves it.

They do not exactly have a lot of time before Renee comes back; they kiss like it’s their first or the last time and Andrew bites Neil’s lip when they part.

Renee’s approach this time is announced by Allison who strides in the main room and clearly heads for her phone. Her voice is loud enough for Neil to hear despite the closed door.

“What the fuck, Hemmick! I was the one who knew this first, how is it you who posted it?”

“The perks of being a family!” Nicky sing-songs.

Neil steps away from Andrew right when Renee enters the kitchen with a small bottle she hands to Andrew.

“What’s that all about?” Neil asks Renee as the bickering in the room continues, albeit a little quieter.

“Nicky posted a picture of your cupcakes on Instagram,” Renee looks somewhat sorry yet happy nevertheless. Neil wonders how she does that for only a second before her words sink in. Then he fishes his phone from his pocket.

The picture at the top of his feed is from Matt, actually. It’s a photo of a kid in a fox hoodie complete with ears and tail. The caption says “we need to buy this for neil!!”. It has several dozens of likes already and comments in a venue of “yes please!” from a team youngsters. Neil types “what the hell boyd it’s a kid’s costume!” before continuing to scroll.

Nicky’s photo is several exy-related entries later. Nicky got the very end of the plate with ugly cupcakes but he made some decorations on it, stars and hearts and glitter and wrote “BOYFRIEND OF THE YEAR!!!!!” there with an unimaginable number of happy emoticons. Neil scowls at the picture but can’t find words to comment. Despite the embarrassment, he feels delighted too. Of course, Nicky is just over dramatic like he always is but it still makes Neil feel warm and fuzzy inside to be called that.

He contemplates for a bit before finally posting a facepalm and “Please Nicky delete it”. He hears Nicky’s “NO I WON’T” from the room and then the same appears below Neil’s comment on the screen. Neil sighs and turns the screen off—he did try.

Andrew is mixing whiskey and vodka into coffee when Neil looks around, and Renee finishes mixing coffee extract into Andrew’s part of the dough it seems. She then turns around and asks.

“Neil, want to distribute the dough?”

“Is it okay?” he asks. That was one of the things he did wrong before, wasn’t it?

“Sure. Just use ice cream scoop to make them the same size.”

Andrew doesn’t seem to object as he stands near the cabinet and sips whiskey (this time from a glass) while Neil scoops the dough from one dish and then the other and puts it into cupcake moulds.

They don’t have enough Ferrero chocolates left to put both inside and on top of the cakes so they decide on top only. Then Renee puts two pans into the oven.

“Cream?” Renee asks as she puts the mittens off.

As Andrew pushes from the cabinet and goes for the bowls of cream he catches a hem of Neil’s t-shirt and tugs it for Neil to follow. Andrew shows the bowl with chocolate chips into Neil’s hands.

“You did this before.”

Renee takes a clean bowl and mixes butter and sugar there while Neil and Andrew stand together over the stove whipping cream in their cream bowls. They are so close that Neil feels the heat of Andrew’s body radiating from him stronger than the heat of the burner.

“You’ll burn it, idiot,” Andrew hits him lightly in the shin with his socked foot.

Well, maybe that heat is the oven. Neil gets back to whipping. His cream is ready in what feels like no time at all. But then Andrew finishes just a minute later.

They sit in silence while Renee finishes mixing and Neil digs out his phone again. The mention pops out on his screen. It’s a reply to his comment to Matt’s photo of a kid’s costume.

@aaronmminyard: @neiljosten you’ll fit just fine.

“Sometimes I think how Aaron can be this stupid when he’s actually really smart,” Neil muses out loud showing the comment to Andrew behind.

Andrew snorts. At Neil’s words or Aaron’s comment, Neil does not know. Maybe both.

Neil types “@aaronmminyard now you’re one to talk” and shows that to Andrew too. Andrew grunts. That’s some reaction.

Neil’s feed is mostly Foxes and some other players, and a couple exy-related magazines and shops with their own Instagram accounts. He scrolls through it mindlessly feeling Andrew’s fingers on his collar. Then his presence is suddenly gone from behind Neil’s chair and he moves to the door.

“You need a smoke?” Renee asks before Neil can.

Andrew probably nods and leaves because Renee sits down with a glass of water.

“You can go too, you know,” she says to Neil. “I’ll take out the cakes and they will still need to cool down.”

“No, I—”

“Neil,” Kevin calls standing in the door Andrew left open. “Watch the latest game with me.”

Neil looks Kevin up and down thinking. He’s not really in the mood for a game. He’s making cupcakes. And he wants to go kiss Andrew senseless. Or Andrew kiss him senseless. There are too many people in their dorm when he planned to drive Kevin out tonight and have the evening to himself and Andrew. A surprise party for two. Which, by the way, Kevin ruined.

“I don’t want to go anywhere with you.” He stands up anyway but turns to Renee. “You sure it’s okay?”

When she smiles kindly Neil strides past shocked Kevin into the room and then to their bedroom. On his way, Allison shouts to Kevin’s back:

“You owe me ten bucks!”

Andrew is at his usual place smoking into the window.

“So what was that all today?” Andrew asks after a minute of silence as Neil pushes himself to sit at the desk near Andrew’s legs.

“Thought I’d make a surprise,” he says.

“You know I hate surprises.” Andrew’s voice is low as he takes a drag from his cigarette.

Neil knows that. And he also knows what kind of surprises are those that Andrew hates. Neil looks down and swings his legs a little.

“Just a few cupcakes, booze, and some kissing and stuff if you felt like it. I thought I could be the one arranging us time alone for a change.”

“How were you going to get rid of Kevin?” Andrew casts Neil a glance as he exhales the smoke and inhales ones more.

“Push him onto Nicky. Erik’s working tomorrow, and the time difference is not favorable for Skype calls. They had their Valentine’s talk in the morning.”

Matt complained about that ‘talk’ to Neil when they were in the gym. Said Nicky woke him up and Matt had to escape to the girls’. And Matt and Dan aren’t going to be back tonight, too.

A silence that follows is filled with emotions.

“I hate you.”

“That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t kiss me.” Neil tilts his body back. “Now. Yes or no, Andrew?”

Andrew’s lips taste like cigarettes and he actually breathes some smoke into Neil’s mouth. He grabs Neil’s t-shirt by the collar too, to clash their mouths together. This is like those kisses in the kitchen, hungry and making Neil’s ears ring. He sucks on Andrew’s lower lip and gasps when Andrew’s hand slips under his shirt. Andrew is cold from being too close to the window in February but the cold only makes Neil’s skin grow hotter.

Andrew touches his forehead to Neil’s and presses his hand to Neil’s scars.

“Do that,” Andrew says and it sounds almost like murmur against Neil’s lips. It takes a moment for Neil to understand the words—he’s never getting used to Andrew kissing him like this.

“After we all eat cupcakes, yeah.”

When they get back it’s to find Renee’s almost finished decorating the cupcakes and everyone is gathering around with bottles and glasses. They get the freshmen who are in the dorms to share the evening and then Neil does deposit a drunk Kevin to equally drunk Nicky. Allison tells Renee that Nicky will have to hand her ten bucks too as they herd the underclassmen out leaving Neil and Andrew alone.

They don’t waste time on cleaning up the mess in the kitchen or in the room.

When Neil wakes up it’s to the sound of coffee brewing in the kitchen. He gets his sweats and follows the sound and the smell of coffee to find Andrew there finishing a cupcake.

“Did you even eat anything proper?” Neil manages around a yawn as Andrew pours coffee in two mugs.

Andrew is already dressed up to his armbands and a shirt. He looks sleepy but not as much as Neil.

“Cleaning duty is on you,” he says in way of answering. Neil casts him a sour look which Andrew ignores heading out of the room with his coffee.

As Neil drinks his coffee and estimates the scope of work he notices that his ugly cupcakes are gone from the windowsill. He doesn’t remember but he thinks maybe Renee took them after all.

(He is wrong. Messed up or not, chocolate cupcakes are still chocolate cupcakes and Andrew is not one for charity and sharing :D)

#aftg #all for the game #valentines exchange #andreil #neil josten #andrew minyard #renee walker #they are making cupcakes #couldn't help myself #sorry #fanfic #my edits

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