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clarafyer · 8 days

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MY PERSONAL ART TIPS! A big thread I'll be adding to

I too, was once a 10 year old gacha kid whose only drawings were a way too detailed catgirl persona and friends. I didn't have much in-person or online inspiration and help for a long time! So I'll help others earlier in their art journey (and perhaps the masters too, never not a good idea to try some advice!)

So let me spare some of you a few of the unnecessary mishaps during everyone's art life.

If you've never seen my blog before, hello! My name is Clara. I'm a neurodivergent teen artist, aspiring animator, and resident cat person. It's nice to meet you! If you'd like to know who you're taking advice from, here is some of my latest work!

Now without further ado, LET THE HELP COMMENCE!

STROKES: Fix stiffness in your poses!

To start off, a BIG thing I recommend for newish artists, is don't be afraid to draw loosely! The looser the lines, the less stiff the pose. And stiff poses are a very common issue within the community. Sure, your anatomy may look bad for the first while of drawing looser lines, but it will help you be more confident in strokes. The more confident the stroke, the more efficient an artist. The more efficient an artist, the faster you learn.

To practice loose lines, simply draw a long line as fast as you can. Over and over again. I know, that may seem boring, but it helps train your hand and arm to be faster. But if it's so much a hassle to do in your free time, then do it on the side of a worksheet if you're in school, or a sticky note if you're at work.

Speaking of practicing...

PRACTICE MAKES BETTER: Get over it!

I said the phrase wrong, didn't I? Oh wait, no I didn't. NO ONE IS PERFECT. And don't forget that! There will always be issues, problems, and mistakes in your art that you don't realize until the day after you've shared it with everyone you know. The artist is always their worst critic. So the best thing you can do is to keep at it. Practice your weak points to support the composition more, hone in your strong points to better make a focal point. Practice will always help, even if you don't see it. A slow pace is better than no pace!

"But Clara, what are my weak points? How do I know what I always mess up on!?" you may ask...

ANALYZING YOUR ART: Pros and cons!

Well, pick your latest finished piece and tear it apart (NO NOT LITERALLY OH GOD NO PLEASE-) I mean analyze it. Grab your pen and a separate paper, or just your notes app, and make a list of pros and cons in it. Doing this with multiple pieces is especially important, as with multiple examples, it's easier to find a pattern.

How about this, I'll give you an example!

Here we have a piece I made a few weeks ago. It's of my Western AU of my main cast of OCs. TIME TO NITPICK!

WEAK POINTS

- The clouds are too detailed compared to the rest of the composition

- The right horse seems very stiff (I already am aware I struggle with drawing animals nowadays)

- The funky hatching I did with the plateaus in the background just isn't working out as well as I thought it would anymore

- the god damn horse on the right

- The sky in the middle just seems far too empty. I could have added more indication of the sun at the top to add more noise

STRONG POINTS

- The color palette I chose blends well while having the colors still be sharp and clear against each other

- The entirety of the woman and her horse on the left

- The glitchy effect adds some zestiness to it that I love

- The whole thing looks quite cinematic, with a successful wide shot and the black bars imitating that of a movie's

- The inlines of the otherwise completely flat-colored silhouettes help define the overlapping shapes quite well

And there you have it, 5 pros and cons each I found in something you probably only noticed were little to none. No, I'm not bragging, it's an actual psychological phenomena where the artist notices so many more intricacies than the average outside viewer. Your mom isn't hanging up your art out of pity, GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD! People love your art so much more than you do.

That's it for the first post. Don't worry, there'll still be more helpful tips coming! I just won't be able to fit everything in here with Tumblr's picture limit and all. Happy drawing!

#art help #art tips #my art #art advice #oc art #artists on tumblr #drawings #oc artist #art community #art #artwork #audhd artist #autistic artist #adhd artist #teen artist #drawing #Clara's Art Advice Thread

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cookinguptales · 11 months

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I'm about to have a couple of very physically trying days (which... means they'll probably become emotionally trying, too, with my current emotional state) so like. I'm gonna vent about something and it's dumb and personal but I wanna get it out now so it doesn't come out later at a more inopportune time.

I guess I'll preface this with saying that I don't feel like I can talk to a lot of people about this who are actually close to me, for a lot of reasons. Some people care too much, some people don't care enough, some people are wrapped up in other stressors and I don't want to combine them, whatever. I have a lot of shit going on right now and I've been trying really hard not to put more stress on people who have enough of their own to deal with but that kind of means that I've been carrying everyone else's stress while also trying to carry my own and that's. a lot.

So...... tumblr, then. Screaming into the void hits in a way that writing in a diary doesn't, I guess, though I've tried that too.

A girl I really liked turned me down recently. She was nice about it and I don't harbor any ill feelings towards her. I'd picked up some vibes and I was at least relieved to know that I wasn't crazy; she had some interest too (at least... to some extent, I guess) but didn't want to date for understandable reasons that are purely her own.

I guess as far as getting turned down, it's not the worst thing in the world. Like... I want to be clear that nothing I'm about to say pertains to this girl specifically.

It's more that. God. It's the pattern.

I was abused when I was a kid. In a lot of ways, I guess, some more physically dangerous than others but like. I guess the pertinent thing here is that I was... idk the word for it. It was a complicated situation. I won't get into all the details. It was sexual abuse of some kind, I guess. It was a relationship, if... a weird one.

She really fucked with my head, y'know? I was a kid. She wasn't. She liked "teaching" me things and keeping me at the end of a hook, but she never went far enough that anything strictly illegal happened. (Actually some of it probably was, but I didn't know that back then.) She got tired of me when I got old enough to question things a little.

It sucked.

I guess the point to all that is that I felt really violated and really stupid when it was all over. I... had a really rough period that I really only barely got through.

I had a hard time trusting people after that, but I had an even harder time trusting myself. I'd let someone in and it had been a very bad choice. I didn't trust my own judgement, especially re: other people.

I don't blame myself for it as much anymore. It only lasted a couple years and it was over fifteen years ago, in the grand scheme of things. I don't even think about it as much as I used to. But I can see how it's altered my ability to create meaningful connections with people.

I was in a really vulnerable place back then. I was really sick with a mystery disease, I almost never got to spend time outside of school with my peers, almost all my free time was being spent at doctors or sleeping, I was being physically and psychologically terrorized at home, I was being raised in this awful evangelical setting that gave me very mixed feelings about my own sexuality (and... also meant I couldn't tell anyone when an adult woman was messing around with me without also outing myself), and I just. I mean, I was a teenager. You remember what it was like. You hate yourself.

But someone liked me and someone listened to me and someone convinced a very guarded teen to open up to them and it was one of the worst mistakes of my life. So you can see, I guess, how it became even harder for me to do it again.

I've done a lot of healing in recent years; I don't want to make myself sound like some broken bird. I did feel broken for the longest time. Emotionally fucked up and sick and disabled and ugly and not nearly kind enough to make up for all my defects. I felt like no one could ever love someone like me, and when people did make overtures toward me, I would either miss them (assuming no one could want me) or I would mistrust them, for I guess obvious reasons.

I think... to some degree, I probably lost respect for people when they liked me. It was pretty fucked up.

I'm not exactly uhhh wholly better now. I still have a very, very difficult time believing someone could love me. But I guess... at this point, I don't feel like there is something uniquely wrong with me. I think I deserve to be loved, even if I'll admit that I don't fully believe it'll ever happen.

But I guess all this is to say... I don't catch feelings for people very often. I don't let myself, I guess. I tell myself I'm being silly or flighty or stupid. It's dumb to get butterflies at my age, and it's dumb to believe that someone could like me back. I think I could probably count on one hand the number of people I've genuinely wanted to date.

And... none of them wanted me.

No one was ever mean about it. They all had perfectly good reasons. It was never personal. But I think that's the problem now. I think that's what's kind of been fucking me up the past few weeks in a maelstrom of Other Bullshit Happening Too.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten the "oh, you're great, I really like you, I just can't because [x]" speech. (Actually, I can. Because, like I said, I don't actually get to that stage very often. But I'm not going to tell you because it's humiliating.) And I've kind of danced around the idea before, but now it's really become like... a sickening sort of suspicion.

I think... I might actually be more broken than I thought. I can't help but wonder if like... can I sense it? Can I sense it when a person isn't looking? When they're straight or they're interested in someone else or they just don't do relationships or they just don't want one right now or they have their own shit they're dealing with?

Can I tell subconsciously somehow that they won't be in a position to want me, and that's why they feel safe to me?

Because. Like, there's bad luck and there's patterns, man. I never know these things going into it. I never set out to fall for a straight girl or a girl with a secret boyfriend or a girl who's just realized that relationships aren't for her or a girl who's planning to move or a girl who just can't do it right now. But I always seem to do it anyway. 100% success rate. I used to joke that I had the best gaydar in the world because if I was attracted to a girl, she would invariably realize she was straight. (Or, back when I IDed as more bisexual, any guy I'd be ??? about would turn out to be gay. lmao)

But like. It's not even just sexuality. I just always seem to pick people who are not gonna want to be with me, but not in a personal way. And like... do I subconsciously like that? Am I still afraid of a person who actually wants to pursue me? To be with me? Do I actively pick people who are in some way unavailable?

I don't know. I don't know if subconsciously picking up on stuff like that before even they know is possible. I might be giving myself superpowers here to cope. lmao.

I've had a few people express interest, I guess. Mostly boys, and I was never all that interested in them. I always just wanted to figure out a way to extricate myself from that situation. lmao. But even now, now that I'm really trying to put myself out there, I've had girls I've gone on a couple dates with. They always want to keep trying. I don't.

I've always put it down to a lack of chemistry (which is normal on dating apps, tbh) and the fact that, due to my own trauma, I usually need to know someone reasonably well before I feel comfortable enough to start to really like them, but. Now I've gotta wonder, y'know? Did I not like them because they liked me?

I guess... I don't harbor ill will toward anyone who's turned me down. They've all had perfectly reasonable reasons. And... no, I don't think that I'm some uniquely awful person whom no one could ever love anymore. But there's something about being 18 years old and having doctors touching you more than anyone your own age ever has. There's something about being 25 and never having been on a real date before. Being 33 and having never been kissed.

(Cringe.)

You kind of start to feel like... it doesn't happen for everyone, does it? And maybe you're just gonna die alone with the trees.

I guess I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship with a person who doesn't want me, or who I don't want either. I could probably find someone equally lonely to settle for me if I really tried.

But like... god, I don't need fanfic romance, but I just want someone to genuinely want me. To see all of the awful parts of me that I hate and like me anyway. To not be unsure whether they want to be with me or not, but to be excited about it.

I guess I just want to feel like I'm enough.

But I also guess I'm self-defeating, apparently.

I've gone on half-hearted dates because I'm trying, damn it, but I hadn't really liked someone in... god, probably about eight years when I realized I liked this girl. I was uhhh. Surprised. To put it lightly. lmao. I think I'd really managed to just about give up.

But I guess... I really have been healing, to some degree. I've had therapy, I've gotten quasi-medicated. I've done a lot of self-discovery. I thought that maybe this time, it would be different. She seemed like she might actually like me. Maybe I could actually be, y'know, normal.

I think... I'd almost kind of come around to the idea that I could be loved, eventually, maybe, a little bit? So I got up my courage and asked her out.

But I did it again, friends! I sure did it again. So as much as I tell myself that it was one flirtation that didn't really go anywhere, that it wasn't me, that it wasn't her, that these things happen and all you can do is try again...

It just. It gets harder every time. And idk if I can keep doing this. Hope hurts too much, maybe, and I'm not a very strong person.

Maybe I should just. idk. Focus on traveling and creating and helping people. All the things that idk how much longer I'll be able to do.

(I'm getting sicker every fucking year and I know it. And brooo if that doesn't fuck me up a little too. Who the fuck is gonna wanna deal with that? Even I don't wanna deal with that.)

I keep trying to tell myself that you can have a full life without a partner but like. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm that person whom everybody likes but nobody loves, y'know? Maybe I don't even need a partner specifically. Just... a person who really, really loves me. Maybe I just need to know that I'm capable of it. Being loved.

Just once. Even if it doesn't last. I just need someone to choose to want to be with me just once. And god, I need to be able to let them.

(My mom and dad love me, to be clear! But they also love my sister, who is a literal attempted murderer and confessed animal torturer. And me-torturer. So like. idk if that makes me feel better, actually.)

idk. I don't have some neat way to sum all this up. I just feel really lonely right now, and kind of stupid if I'm being honest. Like I tricked myself into coming out of my shell again and it just. Wasn't a good idea.

But... like I also feel like I've been lying around being stressed out and licking my wounds long enough. I'm not okay yet (...obviously) but I'm starting to depression spiral so it's good to get out of the house and be with other people again. But if I don't wanna break down and answer them honestly when they ask me how I'm doing, I guess I gotta be honest somewhere.

Today's gonna hurt a lot physically, I'm gonna be really tired, and it's gonna be emotionally difficult. But there will be good things, too, and I guess... all I can do is focus on that, right?

Sigh. I wanna go be with the trees. One week till California.

(Note: I did just want to say that these posts really are just a place to sort through my feelings and not some weird passive-aggressive bid for attention or something. I told everyone who might be involved with this post to avoid reading it! Though if they decided to do so anyway, they're probably thinking they dodged a fucking bullet! lmao)

#just me #vent post #look I figure if I put my personal venting under read mores #then all this bullshit becomes opt-in and you can't get mad at me lmao

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riverr3dwinter · 2 years

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Hi, I wanted to start off and say a little about myself and my page.

As said in my bio, my name is River and I'm currently 17. I'm nonbinary, bisexual, and use she/they pronouns.

I would describe myself as a game of Russian roulette. I'm either very calm and quiet, or very chaotic and impulsive, and there's not rly much of a way to tell which I'll be at any given time. But, it makes life just that little bit spicier :D I'm also very empathetic and love to help people whenever I can.

My interests and passions include music, playing in my band, skateboarding, art, reading, writing, tattooing, walking, psychology, criminology, being a cadet, and of course, helping others <3

Things I struggle with are, anxiety, depression, CPTSD, eating disorders, ADHD, dyslexia, (currently being assessed for autism and BPD), as well as many chronic physical illnesses cus I'm unlucky and seem to be collecting these things xD

Now, this page, as stated in my bio, is a blog to vent and track progress of my ed. I'm going to talk a little more about that now, so for anyone who is triggered by talk of eating disorders or self harm or anything like that, here is your trigger warning, and I do not advise you read on.

⚠️TW for the following content⚠️

So, my life of eating disorders and mental health struggles started from a young age. I'm not going into as much detail in this post but I might make another one with more detail.

It started pretty much from around the age of 5 where I was extremely skinny. I was badly bullied for being so small. No matter how much I ate, I could never gain because my metabolism was too fast. I later found out it was overactive, which was contributing to some of the illnesses I was having. As I got older, I was still made fun of for being so small and weak. My eating habits and relationship with food was a mess. I felt I had no sence of control and would contanty switch between over-eating and under-eating. As I got a little older, I noticed things started to change a little. The way I saw myself would constantly change and it scared me and I didn't know if my body was changing, or my perception of myself was changing. Around the age of 13 though, that overactive thyroid (causing the fast metabolism) flipped during a condition called a thyroid storm. I was extremely ill for a long time. And the worst part of it to me was that it had caused my body to do a 180. My thyroid was (and still is) underactive and it slowed my metabolism down a fuck tonne. I gained a lot of weight, very fast and struggled to lose it again. I was then bullied for being the fat kid. And so I ended up on a rollercoaster of over/under-eating and gaining and losing weight. Around the age after I'd got out of juvie (that's another story for another day) 15/16 I'd been starving myself for so long, I'd gotten to a new lw and got seriously ill and ended up being put into a psych ward. (I'd even in one a few times before but not entirely ed related). I could bearly move because I was so weak and ill and I ended up being force fed for ages. Because of that, I started bingeing once I was let out. Which made me gain weight and turned into a binge purge cycle. I ended up gaining weight because of my condition. Then about a year ago, something clicked in my head. I refused to let myself go through this hell of ups and downs and constant switches in what I was doing. It was sorta like my honeymoon phase had finally kicked in. I became stricter with the foods I'd allow myself to eat, how many calories I consumed and the exercise I did to then lose those. Since then, its still not been easy and definitely not smooth sailing. But while I've had a few ups and down, I've gotten to a new low weight and im closer now than I have been in years to my ugw of 63lbs.

My main course of action at the moment is to fast as much as possible and if/when I do eat, keep it a low cals as possible, preferably not sugar or carbs. As well as that, doing an average of 10,000 to 15,000 steps a day. I also have to remember to drink a lot of water and if I drink anything other than that, it's only allowed to be black coffee, no sugar, or 0cal energy drinks for the energy boost.

I also follow Chloe Ting's workout routines when I can to try and keep my body tonned instead of just having fat.

Anyways, I think I'll wrap this up here. If you've read all the way to here, thank you so much. I hope you'll be interested in the rest of my page.

Things I'll be posting in the future will include things like the struggles of having an eating disorder, routines and tip etc for managing life with an ed, ways to lose weight, diet/exercises plans, occupational vents about my life n stuff, and I'll always be willing to give advise to anyone who needs it so if you need anything at all, just give me a shout. Thank you, and I hope you're all having a good day <3

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thespellweavingspirit · 2 years

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hello, this is the anon from before 🌀. thank you so much for taking the time to give me so much information on energy suns. it has really resonated; and to be honest a lot of things clicked for me while reading, particularly about interpersonal relationships. unfortunately i have experienced a few extremely abusive relationships (familial and outside the family as well) as well as what i thought were friendships but turned out to be rather dark. i'm not sure all were energy vampires, but the gist of it is, a common thing is that people have hounded me to connect with them. much much more than what other people have experienced, and multiple times, with unrelated people, for my whole life. this would be nice if they had not turned out to have been extremely messed up in unique and creative ways, to say the least. in addition, most situations where i have put my foot down and retreated myself from the other person or group by disagreeing, etc- has launched what could amount to be a full scale attack where people do not want me to leave, are furious that i am distancing/disagreeing, and this has happened both in personal relationships one in one and in group dynamics, with unrelated people. this isn't everyone- thankfully- but it has been so utterly depressing. a majority of the people in my life have exhibited this behavior, and almost everyone who has gotten close to me/is family has been the worst at this. i even experience this with people i'm not close to (rarer but it has happened) like if i energetically/emotionally/psychologically leave- not even physically- it triggers a rage response where they try to control me. i think i have unusual circumstances compared to most- i've experienced a lot of abuse from my family and others. i've had better luck with friends but have had a few very bad apples, and only a few people who do not freak me out. i know that's all very personal and strange, but i was wondering if you had experienced similar? thank you for taking the time, and if i ever overstep please let me know.

Hello again, love! I'm so glad all that information resonated with you, I hope you'll find some of it useful as well. I am so, so sorry that you've had to go through all that. Abusive/toxic relationships are taxing and stressful as all hell. I'm not actually certain if experiencing toxic and abusive relationships to this degree is part of being a sun, but yes, I have experienced more than my fair share of them. For me, though, instead of people wanting to get close to me to try to control me (except in the case of my parental unit), I have a long history of people just abandoning me out of nowhere and then talking behind my back. I did have an experience a few years ago where I was being harassed over the internet and that lasted for around a year. Generally, though, nowadays my interpersonal relationships have been pretty stress-free because I've gotten good at cutting toxicity out of my life, and those I didn't cut out actually started therapy and are much better to be around now.

Non-magically, the behaviors you've described sound very much like you often run into narcissists. And the problem with those types of people is they often don't recognize that they are or have been doing anything wrong at all. My roommate and best friend have a narcissist for a mother, and after some particularly nasty shit that went down, we've all cut contact with her because sometimes, that's the best thing you can do.

Have you ever heard of a cord-cutting ritual? There are many ways to do it, the most popular is with actual cord and candles. Cord-cutting rituals can be helpful when there are people hounding you in life that you've asked to leave you alone but aren't, or if you've cut someone out but that someone still holds sway in your life through things they've done or said to you that haunt you. It's a form of cleansing as well as fate work. Obviously, if you don't also tell this person to leave you alone and take the necessary steps to distance yourself from them a cord-cutting ritual alone won't work as well. If you run into these types of people quite often, it may be helpful for you to learn how to perform this ritual. I don't have anything on it but since it's such a well-known form of magic I don't think it would be hard for you to find a few methods you can try online.

Bringing this back around to energy suns; I do know that we tend to attract certain types of people/entities without meaning to. For my specific flavor of energy, I've noticed I attract a lot of magical humans, fae, and dragons. Lots of dragons. Right now, in the apartment I'm living, both of my neighbors just happened to be witches. If you're attracting a lot of negative people, energy screens may really be able to help you in that regard, since you can alter a screen to act similarly to glamour as well. For certain combinations of energies, you can program a screen to make your energy appear different from them.

#ask #energy suns #energy generators #energy batteries #magic #mundane #narcissistic abuse #abuse tw

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moonlitdiane · 3 years

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Hello! I moved from my old blog, @dianethus to here, you can probably call this a re-intro!

I’ve been trying to write since I was around 12 years old with silly little k-pop and percy jackson fanfics. Even though I cringe now whenever I think about the things I wrote, I still believe it was a necessary phase that all writers have to go through to become better.

I mainly write for the #OwnVoice movement that focuses on the South East Asian experience and especially the experience of being queer in an Asian environment. I aim to give the queers of Asian history whose stories never got to be told a voice. I write to expose the world to Philippine Mythology and the stories passed down from ancestor to ancestor. I also aim to conjure up nostalgic imagery in the readers' minds.

low fantasy. I'm not that really good at world building but I'm in love with the idea of everyday magic.

supernatural.

historical.

angst. I'm SORRY but writing and describing pain is a different kind of joy for me.

found family. I'm gay.

cosmic motifs.

enemies to lovers. oh for someone to see all my worst parts and still fall in love with me. also consider: childhood friends to enemies to lovers.

religious trauma & guilt. I went to a catholic school what did you expect?

The Revolution Will Not Be Vilified.

Evil Is Sexy.

Trapped In Another World. I want to be Isekai-d so bad.

Song Fic. Most of my titles are actually song lyrics or my basic outlines follow the structure of a song.

“Slender Aphrodite has overcome me with longing for a girl,”

Somewhere In Limasawa Street is a queer historical fiction story set in 1898 when the Philippine-American war is just beyond the horizons and 19 year old mestiza, Lucena Candella is in the middle of a war with herself. Sheltered and painfully aloof, she meets brave but brash, Urduja Kalangitan, who is as emotionally aware as a rock and who happens to be the Revolutionary Army's best gunman—maybe that's what pulled quiet Lucena to her.

Between paper planes, porcelains, and battle scars, Lucena slowly learns to love, and that scared her. It scared her because she wasn't allowed to love that woman with the scarred smile and wild hair.

This is my main WIP and my passion project. I really wanted to write something that I can dedicate to the queers of history, the indigenous and people of color whose queerness is never told.

The title is a reference to Limasawa Street by folk pop band, Ben&Ben, I actually used the album and a few singles as inspiration for the plot.

WIP Playlist. This story will be unapologetically Filipino.

“Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil,”

The Devil’s Choir is a low fantasy story following the adventures of seven unlikely friends who just want to go apeshit and run away from their shitty town. That is until they’re thrown into a you-need-to-save-the-whole-world mess without their written consent. Lucifer and Dionysus show up at their door step, dragging them head first into an abyss that even the Gods refuse to fall into. A war between the golden age and the future, it’s now up to this peculiar gang to save the world from the real threat.

The seven deadly sins but make them moody teenagers. this story has gone through so much revising for years! Found family, enemies to lovers, and unwilling heroes? check.

Unintentionally a copy of American Gods. It was too late until I realized the plot was kind of similar to American Gods. Help.

WIP Playlist. I smell chaos, don’t you?

“It is true, we shall be monsters, cut off from all the world; but on that account we shall be more attached to one another.”

Manila Encounters is a paranormal urban fantasy story unfolding right in the pearl of the orient seas. When the clock strikes 3 AM and the lights of the skyscrapers turn dark—when the city sleeps, the monsters roam free. Deep between the alley ways of Manila city, look out for kids with a certain glow and bite behind their smiles. Look for the ones with sunkissed tans who speak in tongues. Look for the ones whose feet barely dip into murky bay waters and fingertips grazing moonlight.

A dummy’s guide to Filipino folklore. Manila Encounters was inspired by a hashtag on Twitter of the same name where people wrote their own twist to Filipino urban legends and folk stories.

Oh great, another Percy Jackson rip-off. the main characters are demi-gods or descendants of Gods. Original, I know.

WIP Playlist. driving at midnight sort of vibe.

"You may forget but let me tell you this: someone in some future time will think of us."

And I Love her is a queer romance story about a girl who just recently moved into an old but well maintained cottage in some seaside town in Europe—and she finds in the middle of dusty furniture and underneath cobwebs, a rotary telephone sitting there unused for decades. It rings unexpectedly one day and what greets her is a soft voice belonging to someone who lived 60 years ago.

a dreamnotfound fanfic inspired this. and the South Korean horror film, The Call.

gay yearning agenda. so much yearning. so much. I’m projecting.

WIP Playlist. My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand, taking mine, but it's been promised to another

A selected list of fics from my AO3 account. It’s gay.

I drowned a long time ago. Sakusa Kiyoomi isn’t in love. He’s devoted. Serial Killer AU.

Maaaring bang magkunwaring akin ka pa? A Tagalog Haikyuu fic based on the movie, Camp Sawi.

Marupok na puso ko. A Tagalog Haikyuu fic where they do the Filipino thing and get drunk.

My good puppy. My first try at writing smut. Jesus Christ.

Be my mistake. Where Kuroo Tetsurou calls up Tsukishima Kei one last time.

Make it hurt. The two times Atsumu Miya saw the entire universe behind Sakusa Kiyoomi’s eyes.

I still have a lot of stories that I hope to finish, I find it hard to discard or erase story ideas. So I hope one day, you can all watch me finish this list.

We Don’t Belong Here / Viva La Filipinas / Luna De Sangre Conspiracy / Lilith and Lysander’s Guide To Immortal Godparents / Lonely Hearts Club / A Lady’s Guide to Princes and Principles / Attack Block / Empty Thrones / A Double Take / Stupid Cupid / Idle Town / Alice? / The 30 Day Deal / Lost Stars / The Apocalypse Program / Heartstrings / Disastrously Danae

#Writeblr intro #writeblr #writers of tumblr #writers on tumblr #about me #introduction #writeblr wip #intro #HI #PINNED.#wip intro

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richardpaz · 3 years

Text

Research Post

My series is going to be really personal. It's difficult for me to be vulnerable so just bare with me.

I'm still trying to articulate my series to myself.

"A journey of healing and how I make sense of the world. "

More to come on that later.

Part of this journey is being stuck in my head. I'm my own worst enemy, critic, saboteur, etc.

So....and just bare with me....I really relate to these paintings:

1. The Flaying of Marsyas, Titian

2. The Martyrdom of Saint Bartholomew, Jusepe de Ribera

I learned about both paintings in Art History a few years ago, and was initially drawn to them just because I love horror and gory stuff. Today I researched their stories, both equally messed up.

Marsyas was a saytr that became really good at playing an instrument called a Aulos. Apollo doubted Marsyas' skills, so Marsyas challenged the god to a music battle. Apollo cheated and punished Marsyas for not being more humble and ripped his friggin skin off!

St. Bartholomew (aka Jesus' disciple Nathaniel) travled and spread the word after Jesus died. When he got to Armenia, Bartholomew converted the King which angred the king's brother. So the King's brother had Bartholomew flayed and then beheaded. Because of how he died, Bartholomew is now ironically the patron saint of tanners, plasterers, tailors, leatherworkers, bookbinders, farmers, housepainters, butchers, and glove makers.

You may ask, what the hell does this have to do with me?

I see these paintings as a perfect metaphor for my mental trauma. When I'm in my negative headspace this is how I feel! Like I'm ripping myself up inside, or like the world is ripping me up!

So for the painting I'm starting first, I want to paint myself getting flayed.....I know it's dark...but I think when it's with more uplifting paintings of my series, it won't read that bad. 😬

I want to be absolutely clear, I do not in any way condone physical self harm. I want to stress that this concept is strictly a metaphor for specifically psychological pain/trauma.

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vesperstalksclones · 4 years

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Ramblings of a Bipolar Geek girl.

And a picture of this sexy mother fucker who is haunting my shit RN and is viscerally intertwined with all my hot messy-ness. And why not?

Really this is just brain droppings. I'm ramping up in to what will likely be a doozy of an episode, so I needed a dumping ground and Tumblr seemed like the place.

I own that diagnosis, Bipolar, and not like in a fad way. I mean chemically messed up. My PsychNP who tends my medicine chuckles and pats me on the head when we talk. She loves my stories and our visits are usually more like coffee with a favorite aunt. Not a call for help or anything. I'm good. I think if you've started reading, then you'll find some things to laugh at.

Eh... OK. A&P/Psychiatry lesson. A lot of people talk about Bipolar disorder, but I've found the average person knows very little about psychological disorders beyond "crazy". Specifically, I am medicated for Bipolar II. Bipolar I and II both suffer from the hellish depression that comes in the cycle, but bipolar I is characterized by periods of mania that can get quite uncontrollable and self destructive. Like the things you hear about people running up tens of thousands of $$ on credit cards or selling their house on a whim. Bipolar II still has the manuc episodes, but not so severe. Its a wild ride, but mostly fun and exhilarating. But, well, thats mania. Like, I go through bouts of insomnia, obsessive behavior, blasts of energy; it feels like your personality is trying to shatter your skin and fly off in every direction at once.

The insomnia gets old, and the jitteryness can be obnoxious at times, but the obsessions are downright funny. In the past, oh years ago, I remember a year (I go in nice neat 3 month cycles) where I had a food obsession with fruit roll-ups (an American snack common in kids lunch pails if you're not familiar). So, my last episode was late May - June. I had a new opsession and or new symptom. I thought it was just this mysterious hormonal change that I hear talked about on sitcoms and movies and etc where a middle aged woman suddenly becomes a cougar. Well.... suddenly my mania comes with ADVANCED HORNY. Now, I'm a geek, always have been. And suddenly, this new manic horny thing (and my Puss Puss) said "Look! Fictional characters! And they have genitalia! Imma gonna latch on to this hard!" Somehow the worst of the obsession landed on my beloved clone boys.... and well I started my Tumblr account and poured in smut - fics, pics, follows, etc. After a few weeks, things calmed down. And I thought... well that was refreshing, sorry its over. NOW - three-ish months on.. its BACK. Next manic cycle and skin melting horny have me their grip! Is this shit here to stay?

Ok so... some of y'all write about this or that character going through a heat cycle or a rut... well... this bitch knows what that feels like. I can barely function. I am humming like a fucking tuning fork. I've changed my drawers twice today (sorry, gross but lol) and any conscious thought involves some depraved behavior involving specific handsome brown men. AND THE DREAMS I HAD LAST NIGHT! My stars and garters, I couldn't properly look Nitro in the eye this morning when he got up for work! (No worries, he and I have a happy comfortable relationship and we can talk openly about sex and people we admire and etc. That and IDK what my sexual orientation is so we can appreciate boobs together happily, but this can be another entertaining blog post)

LIke srsly, Temuera Morrisson, Sam Witwer, Dee Bradley Baker, Liam Neeson, and Ewan McGregor should consider getting ready for retraining orders against me. The money I would pay just to have these guys talk at me.. well... might rival that shit I said about Bipolar I mania 🤣.

All things considered... mania is exhausting. Your brain is on constant fast forward and I feel like there is a veil between me and the world. Im sure I'll do or say some stupid things that might embarass me later on, but right now everything seems fair game, kind of like being drunk or something. IDK. So that being said... time to sip some coffee, draw some clone dick,... and maybe write down some of those dreams from last night. Seems a shame not to share! 😁🥰

Love you babies! ✌

#vesperstalksclones #bipolar ramblings #psycho but it's okay #mentalheathawareness #no shame in my game #drinks silly dumb bitch juice

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low-budget-mulan · 5 years

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Hi! How often do you run into psychiatric patients during work as an EMT? I'm doing psych right now and we had a 12 yo girl whose mom had her in porn at 6mo-9mo and I just want to scream at 1. these people who are pro-porn and 2. the mom is clearly mentally ill, but still what the effffff. So how do you deal with these patients?

I'm going to start this off by saying that those parents should be reported to CPS. That is absolutely disgusting and I would not let those monsters anywhere near a child. If you have not contacted the proper authorities yet then please do so now because their child (children?) Are being abused and absolutely nobody deserves that. Especially an innocent child. If you have actual evidence of the abuse and the evil things that the parent did then those kids should be taken away and locked up never to see the light of day again. Pieces of shit.

We run into psych patients on the regular. Whether it is a person who is having a psychotic episode, a person who is suicidal, a person who cant take care of him/herself, or a person who just has some sort of addiction where they are self medicating to forget about their problems (either drugs or alcohol. Sometimes both). It is all part of the job. Each patient is different. I've had psych patients who wanted complete silence. I've had psych patients threaten to harm/murder/rape me. Hell, just a couple days ago one tried to attack me in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I've had psych patients who just wanted someone to talk to. And I've had psych patients that I didnt even realize were potential psych patients until after the call was over. You have to be able to assess the situation and from there you can move forward in patient care. I'll give you a couple examples of times situations were handled well and times they were not and how I decided to act/treat my patient.

1.)

We had a 911 call for a behavioral overdose. Sheriffs were already on scene (good). We get there to find a high school aged girl. She was alert and oriented (AO). Her whole family was around plus the sheriffs, plus the fire engine, plus the fire medics, plus me and my partner. There were too many people. We are trying to talk to our patient and figure out the whole story but she isnt really talking. I turn to the fire medic (they technically are in charge of medical calls, so what they say goes even if it's wrong and stupid) and say let's get her loaded up and he agrees. We walk her to the gurney and load her into the ambulance. Typically we allow one family member/friend to ride along with a patient especially if the patient is a minor. Unless the patient is a psych patient. And heres why. Once the girl was in the back of the ambulance and away from the hoards of people she started answering our questions. She told us everything that happened leading up to this point and why she did it and how she was feeling. I gained her trust by talking to her and separating her from what was causing her anxiety and other feelings that werent good. During the transport I realized she just needed to be distracted. I was monitoring her closely with the medic and got all the medical information I needed. So we just talked about school and plans for college. We talked about her favorite tv shows and how I spelled my name wrong for 13 years. That's all she needed. But not everyone needs that. This is an example of a good call.

2.)

I will start this off by saying I can be sarcastic. Which is not always a good thing. Okay so. This was a transfer call for a man on a legal hold. We were taking him from an emergency room to an actual psych facility where the remainder of his hold would be carried out. This guy was extremely tall like over 6 feet and used to be in the military and still worked out a ton so he was pretty muscular. I just so happened to be driving this day. While my partner was getting his report I went to go get a set of vitals to make sure he was stable and nothing was wrong. Before I can even get them this dude is making all sorts of racist remarks and how he doesnt want to go to whatever psych hospital we are taking him to because "its associated with a certain kind of people if you know what I mean." Then goes on to say hes not going (which tbh if you're on a hold it doesnt matter if you want to go or not. You have to go until you are psychologically cleared). I explained that because he was on a hold he had to go and I wasnt the one who set up the transfer. I literally am just the driver and I go where my dispatch sends me. He then responds with "well what if I fight you" I realize I wasnt going to get my vitals and that this guy was going to be a problem. I walk over to my partner and tell him what's going on and that we need to use restraints (which I rarely use because who wants to be restrained?). At this point we now have sheriffs there to help us get the guy on our gurney and to protect us if this guy freaks out. We get him on our gurney and I put the restraints on. After putting on restraints you have to check for a pulse in the extremity and make sure they can still wiggle their fingers/toes. So I ask him to wiggle his fingers and he flips me off. Me being the sarcastic person I am and without thinking I responded with "oh thanks. I havent had that in a while. Could I get another?" The dude then threatens to rape me and becomes very agitated. I messed up. We de-escalated the situation thank goodness. But I could have handled that situation better. I knew he was already agitated and a dumb comment like that could have easily been the breaking point for him. Dont do something stupid like that.

3.)

We had a transfer for a woman who was on a hold. This was out of one of the worst hospitals I know. Literally the hospital that killed my grandpa. I already hated being there, but how the staff treats patients both medically and professionally (if you can even call it that) was absolute shit. I hated this hospital even before my grandpa was a patient there because of how incompetent and rude the staff was. Sorry I got distracted and ranted, but the backstory is relevant. I go to try and get a report from the nurse who knows absolutely nothing about this patient. Cant give me any history. Doesnt know what meds (if any) were even given. And gets annoyed when I ask for an actual report. Not just the "oh yes that lady is on a hold. She can talk but is being selectively mute. And you're taking her to this place. K bye." At this point I realize I'm going to get nothing from this 'nurse' and I just look through the packet. I go over to the patient who is just sitting there on the bed staring off into thin air. I realized that any loud noise or sudden movement scares her. So I slowly inch my way to her and introduce myself. I tell her I'm there to take her to a different hospital where the staff will be able to take care of her better and where she can get the help she needs. In that whole interaction I got her to say maybe a couple words. And they were basically what's going on. I realized the staff at this shit hospital did not tell her what was happening. Nobody told her she was being transferred. They literally just left her to sit in her own feces because they couldnt be bothered to do their job. Before I even touched her I told her everything that would happen. I walked her through the entire transfer process and let her know what was going on. Then once we were ready to actually start getting her onto our gurney before I made any movement I told her exactly what I was doing. She was completely fine with me. Once we get her to the psych place we finish up our transport and are about to leave she grabs my partners hand says "are they going to be nice and take care of me here?" My heart broke. I told her that yes she would be taken care of and that she wouldnt be ignored here as I know this hospital has great staff. She smiled and let us go.

By assessing the situations and the patients you are able to figure out how to handle your patient. Ive learned from my mistakes and I've learned from my coworkers who have been around longer than me. But always be cautious as a patients mood can change at any time. Even if you dont do anything to trigger it. A patient will go from happy and smiling to trying to punch you in the face. Know your surroundings. Be ready to react because things can change in an instant.

Addition: any sort of illegal activity I will report to the proper authorities. I have reported hospitals, families, and nursing home for neglect and other forms of abuse. If you are sure then ask someone who knows more. I usually ask the supervisor I trust or my coworker who's been doing this for 20 years.

#long post #ignore the errors #i just got off work and am typing this on my phone and my brains not working

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hinshinotsuki · 4 years

Text

🖤 Switched 🖤

***

"Hange, no!"

But, despite (F/N)'s endless protests, she still found themselves right outside Erwin's office.

"Name and business." a deep male voice said from within the room.

"It's Hange, and (F/N) and I wanted to show you something unbelievable!"

Silence. But, after just a few seconds, Erwin answered. "Come in."

Hange opened the door and (F/N) was greeted by the sight of the man she feared, who smiled at her like it's nothing.

However, that smile of his reminded her of last night wherein she cried on his arms and positively fell asleep there due to fatigue. As she looked at the man who stood from his chair on the other side of the wooden desk, she couldn't help but feel that the Erwin right now was a completely different version of who she knew way back home. She decided to trust him for now and get this thing over and done with.

"Hange, it's a surprise you didn't just come barging in like always." Erwin said as he went closer to the two of them.

"Well, it's a surprise you didn't show up for breakfast." Hange answered.

"I was finishing the documents on our next sortie to be delivered to the Capital the day after tomorrow."

"Is it finished now?"

"Everything is ready."

(F/N) looked at the two who were casually exchanging conversation like they were not the worst of enemies in the entire city. Well, this is a different world, and two enemies in her world might be the closest of friends here.

Right then, Erwin looked at (F/N), flashing her a bright smile. "How was your day, Miss (F/N)?"

"It's good," (F/N) answered hesitantly. "Thanks."

"Now, about that unbelievable thing you're about to show me?"

"Oh, yes!" Hange said then clasped her hands. She looked at and gestured for her to show Erwin the unbelievable thing. She took the phone from her pocket and handed it to Erwin. He took it curiously and examined it like it was a strange gem or something.

"That is called a cellphone, Erwin. And it can do lots of things!"

"This is a cellphone? I sure never heard of it."

"Of course, you haven't! Since it came from a different world just like our friend here."

Erwin looked at (F/N) suspiciously. Of course, he still thought that she was a lunatic for raving about things last night. Of course, he still didn't believe her after what he just told her last night.

"Yes, I know, I'm a lunatic. Now, if you'll excuse me,..." she said, then took the phone from Erwin's hand, ready to leave the room if it weren't for Hange grabbing her arm. Again.

"Please, (F/N)." pleaded the woman. "You've got to trust him! He only looks like this, but you have to put your faith in him, just like I did to you!"

"Sorry?" Erwin interrupted, clearly offended that Hange just branded him as untrustworthy.

(F/N) sighed and turned around to face the two of them once more. She looked up at Erwin and gave him what she hoped to be a determined look.

"I'll show you I'm not a lunatic." she said, then brought the phone to life, making Erwin astounded just like Hange four hours and thirty minutes ago. Clearly satisfied of the look on Erwin's face, she went to the Videos option and opened one they recorded a while ago. It showed Hange talking and asking questions.

"So, you mentioned a name of a certain place earlier. What was it called again?" Hange on the video asked, making Erwin's eyes widen with both fear and wonder.

"Paradis." a voice that belonged to (F/N) answered, but she's nowhere to be seen because she was the one who was recording the video.

"And what is Paradis?"

"This is what this country is called. Paradis. How come you didn't know about that?"

"You see, we, the people here, are surrounded by three massive Walls - Maria, Rose, and Sina. They were built to protect us from giant human - eating creatures called Titans. We, the Scouts, come out of the Walls in expeditions to find out as much truth about this world as we can. And from what you're saying before, it seems that we're not the only ones here, and that the human race was not as extinct as we thought it was. And they are divided, by different races, by what you call countries?"

"That is correct. And this country is called Paradis."

"Remarkable!" Erwin muttered almost breathlessly, fully entranced by the video.

"And, are there others?"

"Yes. There are hundreds, more than you can count. There is Hizuru of the east, Marley of the west, Arabia on the middle east. just to name a few."

"And where can Paradis be found?"

"About south, but not exactly in Africa. Because, Paradis is just like a small island just above the ring of fire."

"Ring of fire?!"

"No, no, no! Not an exact ring of fire. Countries located in the ring of fire have hot or tropical temperatures. Paradis is almost aligned with Hizuru on the eastern side, so the weather here is not exactly hot or tropical. Hence, the winter season."

"Oh, I see! But, we do have a different kind of Winter Season here, and it is annually celebrated by the wealthy people of Wall Sina. We, higher military officials, do get invited sometimes."

"Oh, tell me, please."

And, just like that, the video went to an end, leaving Erwin speechless and slightly wobbly on the knees.

"So, Erwin, what do you think?" Hange asked after a few moments of silence.

The confused Commander held up a hand and covered his eyes with the other. "I need a moment, please." he said, then went weakly towards his chair, where he almost collapsed.

"Erwin!" Hange quickly went to his side to offer him assistance.

"I'm fine, Hange, thanks." Erwin said and smiled. He looked up at (F/N), who remained rooted to the ground. "The things you just said, are they all true?"

"Positive."

"That we're not the only ones here, and that there are others outside the Walls?"

"In the world where I came from, yes, it's true."

"Where is your proof?" Erwin questioned.

(F/N)'s eyes widened with determination as she opened the mobile data and location functionality of her phone. Knowing in an instant how strangely fast the internet reception here in this world was ( if there's any, at all ) and ignoring it all the same, she went closer to the man and clicked on the World Map option. She showed him a photo of a vast land with hundreds of little writings on it and pointed at the word Trost.

"This is where we are right now." She said, then zoomed out on the screen, making the photo look smaller, and revealing a piece of land surrounded by lots of blue. "This is Paradis Island." she zoomed out once more and showed them multiple patches of land, some big, some small, just like Paradis. "And this is our continent." she was about to zoom out, her fingers ready on the screen, when she decided to give it her all and finally prove to him that she was not crazy. "I'm about to show you the whole globe on this map, would you also like me to show you the galaxy map?"

"Stop! Please,..." Erwin said, holding out a single hand, effectively conveying his lost against his psychological battle with (F/N). "That is enough."

(F/N) withdrew her phone like a gun and took a few steps backwards, letting all of the things she showed the Commander sink in on his confused brain.

After a few moments of silence, Hange finally said something.

"So, Erwin, do you believe me now? I told you she came from another world, and she has proof, which she showed to you. Do you believe her now? Do you now believe that she was an entirely different person?"

"It's hard for me to say this, but yes. I do believe you now." Erwin said, defeated.

"So, you lied to me last night when you said you believe me!" (F/N) argued heatedly.

"No! I - "

For a moment, it seemed that Erwin was full of hesitation, but after a few seconds, he finally had the guts to say what's really on his mind since last night.

"(F/N), I do believe you now, but you have to believe me for what I'm about to say." he began. "You see, you, I mean our (F/N) was really insisting on cancelling our next sortie for an unknown reason. Of course, I have to deny her foolish request. And then, you came along. Or, should I say, Hange found you on that lake, almost dead. I truly believed Levi when he said that you only drowned yourself to gain our attention. But then, you told me your story, about how Levi cheated on you and that you tried to kill yourself because of that,...

"For your information, (F/N), there really was a breakup. Of you and Levi. But, not like how you described it to be. And then, this,..."

Erwin massaged his temples, unable to accept what was truly happening. "What kind of sorcery is this?"

"Don't ask me that, sir. I don't know how I even ended up here." (F/N) answered.

"But, there must be some kind of gateway from your world to here, right?" Hange suggested. "That lake. They say that the lake was the habitat of the Maiden, and that it is enchanted."

"Maiden?" (F/N) asked curiously.

"The night our (F/N) went missing, it was the night of the celebration of the Maiden of the Lake. Legends say that the Maiden could grant any wish to anyone she consider as worthy. So, the locals celebrate her birthday each year, trying to please the Maiden in order for their wishes to get granted by her."

"But, that was just old wives tale." Erwin added. "There really was no enchanted Maiden to begin with."

"But, maybe there was!" Hange answered in a very positive tone. "And she happened to grant someone's wishes that night."

"And whose wish could that be?" (F/N) asked. "Don't tell me she granted my death wish, because if that's the case, she really messed up big time."

"Not you! Our (F/N)!" Hange said, then grabbed (F/N) by the shoulders. "She was frustrated that her request was denied! I know how spoiled she is sometimes. Maybe she just wished to be someplace else!"

"Hange, if that's the case, then,..." Erwin said, his voice sounding ominous. "Instead of (F/N) here dying, she was transported to our world for our (F/N) to get to that someplace else you mentioned. That place where she came from."

"Don't tell me,..." Hange breathed helplessly, absorbing all the incredible information.

The two looked at (F/N), and she knew they were thinking what she was thinking right then.

"I think we now know where our (F/N) is." Hange said. "(F/N), she's in your world. You are switched!"

***

🖤🖤🖤

***

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #levi ackerman #switched #levi x reader x levi x reader #levi x you x levi x you #chapter 7

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ninjasmart · 6 years

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Hey Ninja, I'm confused about stick to college (law school) or change it, I'm scared that I'm gonna regret and be unhappy in the future. Will these fears come true? My initials are KBS (I don't know if it helps but my birth cards are the star/strength

I'll tell you a story. Many, many, many, many years ago I knew what field of studies will make me happy but my family wouldn't let me go for it. They wanted me to study something that will give me stability in life and a career. I was stubborn and I sent to two universities at the same time. Worked 3 jobs each summer to afford it, took me 10 years to graduate from one of the universities, the other one, I haven't decided if I want to graduate it at all. That said - the education that I was not interested in is now my bread and butter. The education I was longing for is now my hobby and business. I know that everywhere you look you'll find advice to follow your dreams and be whatever you want to be. Speaking from experience, do what inspires you on your own time after you have contributed to the world with your work, have secured fiod on the table and roof over your head and you chasing your dreams is not at someone else's back. I'll give you another example. There is a lady who went to a bunch of courses for women, believed in herself a bit too much, quit her job and decided to do what she wants to do. In her case it is to teach women how to manipulate men to do their bidding. Her only business success is that she found a man and manipulated him to move in together, propose to her and pay for her life while she's chasing her illusionary dreams of grandeur. To go back to your question - you're asking me to choose for you the right path in life and that I cannot do. You question, paraphrased, is: will my worst fears about quitting my studies come true. That I cannot tell you. I can offer you my perspective and my perspective is this: Go for the practical. Go for what can bring stability in your life. You can always find time and energy to chase dreams but if you don't have stability in your life a steal mate situation can quickly turn your life into a mess.There is always a chance that your dreams will come true but what if they don't? Will you go the "make other people pay for your life while you're chasing a chimera" route? One more thing - you probably know already about Abraham Maslow's pyramid of needs. As I said, our society today is totally wrong. It teaches us to believe that we should follow our dreams of self-actualization. But that's wrong. First - cover your basic needs, then the psychological needs, and then, when you have put your own house in order, go for saving the world, following your dreams, becoming whatever you want to become. Until then - do whatever you want as a hobby. Also, don't fall for the marketing stories about "I was so successful in the corporate world that I quit my job and created a multi million dollar comany" crap that's flying around these days. If these people were so successful they could have made it in the cirporate world too. Anyway, that's my two cents for you. Hope I've been of some help.

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the-sapphire-general · 6 years

Text

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 3)

Well I did say I would make a third part if I had more in mind about Sephiroth. And much to my surprise, there is more! So here it is! Parts 1 and 2 can be found here so you can keep up just in case I mention anything from those posts:

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 1)

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 2)

Now this one will be a little different because I will include more about the portrayals I've seen throughout the Internet, my own opinions about them, and my own portrayal. Plus I will include the essay I wrote about him for one of my college courses and I might say random things about Sephiroth that I will discuss.

First will be the portrayals of Sephiroth I have noticed throughout the Internet. I will not attack any of these or offend anyone who has these headcanons. I respect everybody's headcanons, and it's a good thing too because being a jerk to anyone who has portrayals that are different from yours is stupid and a waste of time. I have friends whose portrayals are varied, and we don't fight over how Sephiroth should act. Love them, hate them, be neutral to them, just as long as you handle this in a mature manner.

Now I have mentioned the portrayal of Sephiroth where he's unnaturally hypersexual in part 1, so I will not go into detail about it anymore. It's already been done. Another one I will not discuss again is the mindless killing machine portrayal (mentioned in part 2). To those who do or like these portrayals, I dislike them but I will respect your choice.

Now for the portrayals. The ones I really enjoy are the ones for his Crisis Core self (or pre-Nibelheim if you want to put it that way). As I have stated before, I can relate to his past personality, so I really like a lot of the headcanons. Picturing him, say, struggling to socialize, not knowing much of certain things (i.e. video games), spending time with friends, basically being human is heartwarming for me. I take it a lot of people like CC Sephiroth, and who wouldn't? There was this one story where Sephiroth took a liking to lemon drops, which is one thing I added to my own headcanon page on my blog. I found it rather sweet and cute. That's like me but with chocolate. I love chocolate. And then there's one where he has no idea what a sitcom is due to his sheltered upbringing, and it was pretty amusing to picture Genesis and Angeal trying to explain it to him as they watched TV. There are many others that I don't think I can list since there are so many of them, and for a lot of them, I like them. There's some that I don't, but that's just my personal opinion.

Now for the Sephiroth we all know after the Nibelheim Incident. Man, I'm beginning to remember what I've read. It's hard for me to find some portrayals that I like because the ones I've seen so far were unsettling. Sephiroth being a sadistic rapist is one of the worst ones I've seen so far. Not as in the stories are poorly written or something like that but for me, it's one of my least favorite portrayals. I get that he lost his mind, but I believe he wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't go that far with my own portrayal because it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Just thinking about it makes me uneasy.

I confess that I don't know my limits when it comes to portraying Sephiroth. For a long time, I've been trying to grasp his evil demeanor and I still hesitate to go further and struggle to get inside his head sometimes. So I don't know how far I can go with dark, twisted, cruel scenarios, but rape is one of my limits. I won't reveal the user, but I was recently asked if I could do necrophilia. When I got the question, I was speechless. That's another one of my limits. I really can't imagine Sephiroth being...intimate with a corpse. Much to my relief, they respected my opinion. And I like that. People should respect others because everyone has limits and if I have to force myself to write Sephiroth doing rape, acting all creepily intimate around Jenova, asphyxiation (as in the kink), or something that I don't see him doing, I won't enjoy the roleplays at all. I used to wish I could please everybody, but that's an impossible goal and I should keep in mind about what I want and don't want to do. Again, I don't know my limits too well, so if anyone wants to RP with me on my Sephiroth blog and it involves something that you're not sure if I accept or not, please message me. I'll try to get out of my comfort zone, but please respect my limits. If I don't do certain things, there are other Sephiroth blogs out there. It's simple and it will prevent pointless drama.

My portrayal for Sephiroth is close to his canon self but mixed with his CC side and my own headcanons. I try to stay close to canon as I write, and I silently read what I wrote and then read it out loud while picturing Sephiroth saying it. If what I wrote doesn't work, I revise them until they sound like Sephiroth. It's still not easy because I'm still struggling with his dark, insane, cruel self, the villain everyone knows and loves. One thing is certain is I do try my best to make him more human but still maintaining his character. I can't make him too human or else that ruins his cold and distant qualities, like making him fall madly in love with someone or bawling his eyes out. Now I haven't seen these examples anywhere, so I'm just throwing in random hypothetical headcanons here. The point is I do try my best not to make him too kind, soft, patient, you know, real nice or else that's not really Sephiroth. Lol But I also don't make him relentlessly cruel to the max 24/7. Both extremes aren't portrayals I like, so I am tackling middle ground. It's possible, and if others don't like my portrayal, that's fine, but they shouldn't judge me for it.

Since I'm discussing my own portrayal, I might as well explain other things about it. Let's see, he has interests outside of trying to destroy/conquer the world and messing with Cloud. My character is a loyal follower. Her profile isn't on my blog but her name is Maybelle Rose, and she's Sephiroth's love interest. Speaking of this, I make Sephiroth a bit of a Tsundere towards others, not necessarily involving romance like with Maybelle. He doesn't act like a stereotypical Tsundere, but he's a very, very subtle version.

Romance. Now this is something that might piss off so many, but I can picture him in a relationship. No, I'm not talking about Crisis Core Sephiroth. I mean post-CC. Say what you want, but I can see it. If done well, it can work. I don't like following the stereotype that villains are incapable of love. Some villains can truly be incapable of love, but not ALL villains. It's not mandatory. A friend of mine claims that Sephiroth is bland. Now I completely disagree with his opinion, but it did give me confidence in pursing romance regarding Sephiroth. Heroes are written as human beings, why not do the same for villains? That's what makes characters compelling, it makes them real. That's what I'm basically trying to do with Sephiroth, and as challenging as it may be at times and despite people probably going against this idea as they read this, I'll do it. My blog now allows shippings. Yes, I now accept shippings. I used to not accept them, but I changed my mind. My reasons are shown in my rant here:

Sephiroth Fandom Rant

Okay I know I said I wouldn't mention the hypersexual Sephiroth portrayal, but I might as well. If he were in a romantic relationship, he wouldn't be like that. Sephiroth doesn't get horny around everyone. Seriously, he's not a sex-obsessed maniac. Sephiroth is a private man with dignity and he would never act extremely sexual, let alone sexual in general. He would be intimate with his significant other, but it would be in a normal level and he would be intimate in private. And I must add that my portrayal does involve Sephiroth having kinks, but he's not sex-obsessed like I said. He has self-control and he keeps things private.

Now for the next thing. I wrote this essay over two years ago, and apparently I kept it after all this time. Lol Yes I wrote an essay about Sephiroth, back when I was still somewhat of a new fan. The assignment was to do a paper on a criminal, real or fictional, and diagnose them with specific personality disorders. However, it didn't mean that they HAD to have any of these disorders. We just had to show the instructor that we understood the material we have learned during class. Take a look at my essay here:

Essay on Sephiroth

Fun fact: My other choice for this assignment was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. XD But Sephiroth was a better candidate and I was able to write more about him than I could have ever done about Gaston. Schizoid Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder were two of the ten types of personality disorders that came close to Sephiroth's behavior. I don't consider either of these disorders as my personal headcanons for him. I honestly never did despite Schizoid PD being pretty close. And much to my shock, my instructor liked my paper and I wound up getting an A! I never got an A on any papers, so it felt amazing to finally get a grade that was higher than a C.

Speaking of psychology, one headcanon that's somewhere online is that Sephiroth has autism. Well, it is possible because I have a friend who is autistic, but during my research on this condition, I don't see Sephiroth as autistic. Sure some of his traits do seem to resemble signs and symptoms, but speculation isn't considered a confirmation that he has autism. He might have it but I would rather have Square Enix confirm it if he really is autistic. On another note, I do understand why they headcanon him as autistic. They relate to Sephiroth because some of his traits remind them of themselves. I get that and if they think he's autistic, that's okay with me. This headcanon is also given to Papyrus from Undertale and Pearl and Peridot from Steven Universe, so I'm familiar with this. Even L from Death Note is believed to be autistic. To be honest, I kind of believe it regarding L. That's just my opinion, though.

Tangent aside, courtesy of a friend, I am more intrigued by Sephiroth in a new level. Aside from his appearance and personality, his intelligence, the way he thinks has me curious. Yes I have been trying to get into his head to improve my portrayal, and I think I found a strategy. If I want to portray and act like Sephiroth, I have to think like him...in less destructive ways, might I add. Lol I may not be an expert as Sephiroth yet, but I'll get there. I've come this far on my blog, and I'm not throwing it all away.

Speaking of my Sephiroth blog, besides that it would be fun and such, I created my own blog because I wanted to express my passion for him. He's one of my role models that made me stronger and I just really admire him. And like I said, I knew I could connect with other fans. Sure, there's a toxic side of the fandom, but that won't stop me. I did feel offended several days ago, as mentioned in my rant, but I'm fine now. In addition to my reasons, I didn't start the blog for fame. Popularity isn't really a big deal for me, I just want to show everyone how much of a Sephiroth fan I am in creative ways. Besides, I found the thought of portraying Sephiroth a fun challenge considering he's my opposite, and he pretty much started my fascination for villains. I also made friends thanks to the blog, one of them being my best friend here on Tumblr. :)

Now to finish this post with one more thing. When I was still a new Sephiroth fan, I confess that I tried to redeem him. Of course it was a difficult task to do for a story, and I admit I was determined to do it. However, as I kept going, I slowly realized doing this implied I didn't like him the way he is, the villain he is widely known as instead of what he used to be before discovering his origins. So I drifted away from redemption and focused on Sephiroth on who he is without changing him. Today, I love Sephiroth for who he is, cruel, cold, calculating, everything. Why change a character you're supposed to love? You wouldn't do that to a real-life partner, or anyone in general. Sephiroth wouldn't have liked me for trying to make him turn a new leaf. Lol So I never pursued redemption for him again. It was too hard anyway. It's like trying to redeem the Joker! That's how hard it was for me. So screw that mind-numbing task, Sephiroth should remain as the badass villain I have grown to love.

Well, this is it. For real this time! Lol This is my final part of the "My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth" posts. I said everything I had to say about Sephiroth as I included all my thoughts, feelings, etcetera. I'm out of things to say about him, so no fourth post! XD If I ever have more Sephiroth-related comments that comes to mind, I'll just make small posts. Will I make more long posts like these? Perhaps. I had fun writing these posts. Maybe I can tackle other topics, or maybe talk about another character in detail. Well, see ya!

#sephiroth #final fantasy 7 #part 3

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traumaticexperiences · 7 years

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Anonymous:i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.

so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical. Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely). didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile. at least a year probably. But was this physical abuse?

aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper. Calls us all names. When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard. I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes. I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something. She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times. Same w my brothers. But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too. but I think that’s a newer development. Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit. I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower. I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.

Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual. It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”. She wanted me to just try being with a boy. I never have and never will. After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting. But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.

Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too. I don’t like makeup much. I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever. I just brush my hair, that’s about it. This always upsets my mom. My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup. She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc. In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.” I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so. I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more. But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me. I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t. My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now. I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).

But I’m not perfect. I forget things a lot. Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it. Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it. Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough. It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc. It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.

And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her. She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need. I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.

It’s like, I know she loves me. And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good. But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college. Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again. Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me. And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me. But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms. So I guess it made her temper even worse. When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while). But she didn’t. But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).

Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious? My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm. I get kinda anxious just thinking about it. The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh. But it never escalated. They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago. I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk. I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me. That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest. My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it. I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for. Or at least that’s how it seems to me. I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it. Any advice on that front? I’m sorry this got so long.

It would be nice if this is anonymous. But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous? Thank you. And thank you for running this blog.

//////////

yeah your mom roughly grabbing your arms and shoulders and slamming you against the wall and punching you sounds terrifying, the fact that it didn't leave marks and bruises just shows that she wanted to hurt you, but didn't want any proof of it left over that could be used against her. it's horrifying. It is physical abuse, and even if it lessened it's likely because physical abuse is used to permanently keep someone scared, intimidated, and obedient, being abused this way in the past is enough for long term consequences, so they don't even have to hit you in the present because your body remembers abuse from the past and is ready to obey them in order to avoid more!

Name calling is abuse, and being told to drown in a shower was basically telling you to die, holy shit, that's horrible! I'm glad you got some comfort afterwards, that's really traumatic.

Refusing to acknowledge your sexual orientation and then using it as an insult is crazy abusive, it sounds like she really hated you and everything you are. Also that is a lot of abuse just over your appearance, the worst is comparing you to others as if you're inferior or something to be ashamed of, it's awful! It's severe emotional and psychological abuse, and it's no wonder you were doing your best not to cry, and still don't feel like your appearance is good enough. You're in the right here, not wasting your time to adjust your appearance to how others would prefer is good! looking the way you feel comfortable is the best decision for you, and your mother had no right to dictate it or to shame you for it, you're a human being, and that matters more than your appearance, and anyone using your appearance to imply that you're less is dehumanizing you, and negating your worth as a human.

You don't have to be perfect in order not to be abused, and even if there were some times where she wasn't abusing you as much, it just means she is able of not abusing you, but she still abused you all the other times. Not abusing you or being nice to you for a short while is absolutely no excuse for abusing you the rest of the time. She sounds really terrifying and it's dangerous to believe she loves you, i don't think someone who cares even slightly about your well being could ever hurt and abuse you this much.

For abuse survirors it is common to get scared and anxious when getting into arguments because in the past you were taught that arguing risks abuse, risks someone accusing you of provoking them or being at fault because you didn't just do as you were told. After that, even if you were in a civil argument it would be scary. Your brain gathers all information about arguing and if there was danger in the past, it expects danger in the future, and sends out warnings and anxiety whenever you have to argue.

It's hard to ever be over someone who you love and trust shoving you against the wall. It's terrifying to just know that person is capable of that, of wanting to hurt and scare you that much. And your mom is gaslighting you and pretending it didn't happen because she knows it was abusive and cruel, and she doesn't want to deal with consequences of that. I'm glad you're questioning everything, and you don't have to consider what your mom has to deal with, this is about you, and how your mom affected you, and what is the shit YOU have to deal with, because of her. You don't have to be counted on for anything, you're a human being, not a tool, not a robot, not there to be of service to others. You deserve good things even if you don't bring profit and good things to others. I don’t know about advices, but I hope you keep questioning your mom’s intentions and actions and do what’s best for you, regardless of what she wants. Remember your life belongs to you, and you do not have to live for her and her ideas of what you should be. If you feel you could be happier without her dragging you down and burdening you, try to get free. Good luck.

#trigger warning #child abuse #emotional abuse #homophobia #abusive parents #gaslighting #submission

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hereformcdonaldshonestly · 3 years

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Hi congrats grats on 100 followers! u love the quirk matchup idea if that's alright ut sounds so cool and creative!

Okay so my hobbies and skills are pretty much the same. I did competitive gymnastics for quite a while and won quite a few medals so I would say I'm pretty good lol. I also do figure skating and have won a medal at a comp recently even tho I started it like a year ago lol. I moved up super fast I think cause of my previous gymnastics skills. Even though I dont compete now I workout everyday and maintain my skills and try to improve. I also do roller skating but that's pretty casual but I'm good at it cause of figure skating, it's kinda like a chain lol. I enjoy dancing but I'm not as good at that. So I guess the skills I've got from that are I'm super flexible, pretty great balance, to do flips and stuff u have to have confidence so if thats a skill then yeah lol cause ur just throwing urself to the ground lol.

I don't really have any fears but I hate bugs they just gross me out. And dirty/untidy/messy places get me in a bit of a panic lol. My strengths include being physical and mentally pretty strong like I have a lot of willpower and force myself to bend like every day lol. I think I'm pretty impatient tho so when I'm practicing if It takes me a while yo get a move or something I get pretty angry and annoyed with myself and I sometimes end up hurting myself. I'm also a bit judgemental my standards are a bit too high.

I'm a sagittarius. my personality type is ISTJ. I would say I'm brave, loyal and love to laugh but only around my friends or at home. In public I keep a straight face and my head down and try to avoid interaction with strangers as much as possible. I'm super cautious of everyone always assuming they want the worst so I take a while to open up. I like indie music, horror movies (mainly psychological) and walking on rainy and windy days, peace and quiet, calm places like nature, hanging out with my friends. I hate dirt and mess and loud, obnoxious ignorant people. My fave animal is the tiger as they are just amazing and strong and beautiful in every way and my fave biome is probably jungle or forest of some sort.

hope that's 8okay sorry its so long :)

It's okay! I love the detail lol! But the quirk I chose was:

Cold

"Cold" is an emitter-type quirk, it allows the user to do anything that Jack Frost could do! Since you mentioned your past in gymnastics and figure skating I thought this would be perfect! I also chose this since I feel like you would go for a more active quirk, and since it is one of your hobbies!

The user can conjure ice, snow, and frost, they can also create snowballs and snowflakes. The user can also make images come to life using frosted panes, bring in freezing winds, and even freeze water by walking on it! This means you can move quicker and be able to show off your awesome gymnastics and figure skating skills!

Some drawbacks are that the cold doesn't bother the user, but they can still get sick. Then the user's body is always cold, so they can't exactly feel a lot of warmth either. If they use it too much at once they can suffer from hypothermia. You can also suffer from frostbite if the quirk is used too much, so be careful!

Your special ability is the winter storm! Once the user has gone through enough pain or has a surge of emotions, they can unlock their ability and turn the battlefield into a land of ice! This also enhances their abilities, combat skills, and speed. This can last for around maybe 20 minutes, if there is more damage then it can last longer.

Once the ability is up, the user instantly passes up, and they can end up getting pieces of ice around the tip of their fingers and on their face.

Some extra stuff! You can ride the cold winds! (Cool right?) Then since the user is always cold, they breathe out cold air that can leave the ground iced! I feel like the hero suit for this would be a figure skating jumpsuit (I'm sorry I've never really done that before so you have to stick with me here!) with some armor and retractable ice skates on the bottom of the shoes! It would probably have a color scheme of blues, white, and gray.

I hope you have a great day!

#mha #bnha #mha oc #quirk oc #bnha oc #my hero academia matchups #boko no hero academia matchup #mha matchup #bnha matchup

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