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captainscanadian · 4 years

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Better | Bucky Barnes x Reader (Part 8)

My Masterlist

Summary: Finally, things really are starting to get better.

Word Count: 9287

Pairing: Doctor!Bucky x Doctor!Reader, Doctor!Natasha x Platonic!Reader, Lawyer!Peggy x Platonic!Bucky, The Mom

Warnings: Swearing, Mentions of Abuse, Alcoholism, Surgery, Organ Donation, IV & Needles, Emotional Distress, Physical Pain, Drugs, Hospital Stay, Homelessness, Anxiety, Trauma

A/N: What can I say except you’re welcome... ;)

Bucky Barnes tapped his nimble fingers anxiously against the rustic oak desk as he sat in Peggy’s office, waiting for the hospital’s in-house attorney to return so that the two of them could head over to meet Steve and your mother to complete their task at hand. The room was bright despite the lights being turned off, the mid-summer sunshine blazing through the large corner window with its blinds parted. The dark haired doctor looked down at the cheque book in front of him, an exasperated sigh escaping his dry lips as he continued to ponder what he was about to do. Of course, he was not having second thoughts about this. He had no regrets about the choice that he had made.

Money had never been an issue for him, not when he was younger and certainly not now. It was not the money that he was worried about. He knew that he was doing the right thing by offering a very large sum of money to your parents, almost three times more than what they had owed in medical bills, both in Brooklyn and in Philadelphia. Not only that, he was also offering them a monthly allowance in addition to this payment. With your father’s inability to work and your mother’s recent loss of employment, they would certainly be well off with what he had to offer them. Moreover, this allowance also allowed them to not have a reason to contact you in the future.

Although the reason for this awful feeling in his chest was not the fact that he was paying them off, it was the fact that he was only willing to pay them in return for them cutting all ties with their only child. It made him feel as though he was betraying you. They may not have been good parents to you but he knew that no matter what, you still saw them as your family. To put an end to that behind your back, it hurt him. He was hurting because he knew how much it would hurt you.

Your James knew that he was doing the right thing by paying them off so that you did not have to. But he could not deny the obvious fact though. They did not deserve any of it, not even a single penny. While you had to work twice as hard to become a successful cardio-thoracic surgeon, put your blood, sweat and tears into the way you studied, obtained your skills, practiced medicine and earned the money you were now making in your own right, your parents were going to live the rest of their lives in luxury because of what he was about to do. They did not deserve any of this at all, as it seemed to be more of a reward to their wrong-doings than a punishment. They deserved punishment. But who was he to wish that they would be punished?

Perhaps what Bucky had been feeling towards them was not necessarily vengeance; he was in no place to feel vengeful towards them. He had not been the one who had been hurt by their actions his whole life. If there was anyone in this world who had a justified reason to feel that way towards your parents, it was you. But he knew that your heart could never be so full of vengeance. Hell, your heart could never even hold a single ounce of vengeance. Even at a time like this, he knew that you were probably worried about your parents’ financial dilemma than the emotional trauma that had been caused by your surgery and its aftermath. As someone who had always sympathized with people who had lived in the streets, you would not wish that upon your own abusive parents. Your heart was a lot more pure than his and that was why you would always be a better human being than he could ever be.

Biting down on his bottom lip, he signed the cheque that he had written as payable to your mother, the sound of Peggy’s red bottom heels clicking against the tiled floor of the hallway making him turn to the door with a rather nervous smile. “Hey Peggy.” He said, almost too plainly, as though he was fighting too hard to suppress his own emotions. He wanted to stay calm for the sake of this transaction running smoothly, but the pain and the anger that the circumstances had caused him were undeniably weighing him down.

“Are you alright, Bucky?” She asked her child’s godfather as she entered her office, though she knew from the look on his face that he was far from okay. As an attorney, as a friend and as a mother of her own little girl, she understood how difficult this must be for him. It was just as difficult for her. Of course, she was angry for the way you had been treated your whole life. But she also knew that this was the only way you could be protected. She was glad that she had a small part to play in that.

But when she saw that look on Bucky’s face, she knew how much it hurt him too. Bucky had a short-temper, there was no denying that. And she could imagine just how angry he must be feeling towards your parents at that moment. Steve would have felt the same way had it been her and her parents. Peggy knew that despite the anger and the guilt that he must be feeling for what he was about to do, Bucky loved you. He loved you with all of his heart that he was fighting with his own emotions. Though she also knew that the man had a strict moral code, he would not let his emotions get the worst of him. After all, that was why they all called him the cold hearted surgical robot.

“I’m of sound mind, body and soul.” He replied as he let out another sigh, tearing the cheque leaf and looking down at the amount that he had written. “I want to do this, Peggy. I want to do this for her. But we both know that they don’t deserve any of this.”

As she walked around her desk, she pulled out a key from her pocket and the safe in the corner of the office. “What you’re about to offer them... not only is it much more than what they had asked Y/N for, it’s more than what any judge could have written off on.” She informed him with a sigh. “They don’t deserve it, I know. We all agree that they don’t deserve a single pence of what you’re about to give them, Bucky. But Y/N deserves it. She deserves everything that this world could possibly give her. Her safety, her protection, her happiness... they’re all priceless compared to what you’ve written in that cheque.” A part of Peggy wondered if now was a good time to tell Bucky about your confession regarding him. Probably not, she was not going to meddle that much. Besides, it would be much better if you and Bucky had confessed your feelings for each other to each other. Pulling out a sealed envelope, she set it down in front of the man before taking a seat across from him. “Are you sure you’re okay to present this cheque to them yourself? Or would you like me to... handle the transaction myself?”

Bucky bit down on his lip once more as he ran his hand through is hair. “I... I can do it.” He told her with a nod. “I would like to do it myself. I would like to hand her the cheque and give her a piece of my mind.”

Peggy let out another sigh before she shook her head at him. “Bucky, if you’re going to let your emotions out of control, I think its better that I do this on my own.”

“No, Peggy...” He shook his head back at her. “I want her to know that... even though they never have and probably never will... love their daughter as she should have been loved her while life, that there’s someone else in this world who loves her more than they ever could. I want them to know that even though they never realized how blessed they were to have a daughter like Y/N, it was their loss that they drove her away... because now she has people who actually care about her. I want them to know she’s loved widely and deeply, that we’re all better for Y/N than they could ever be.”

Peggy could not deny that Bucky’s wish was a valid one. In a way, she wanted your parents to know that too. But her concern was on the man’s temper. She feared that he would lash out at them, for she knew just how much he loved you. She wanted this to go smoothly, for your sake. “Fine... but you have to promise me that you won’t lash out at them. I know that your temper gets the worst of you at times. Steve even told me what happened between you and Wanda. Bucky, I know how you really feel about them but you can’t show that when you see them. Do you understand?” If anything, she was only worried about a potential lawsuit that might come their way. The last thing she wanted to deal with was one of the doctors lashing out at a loved one of a patient at this hospital, even though the circumstances did justify Bucky’s potential outburst, if there was any outburst at all. She sure hoped not.

“... I promise.” He agreed, looking down at his hands as he twirled around the hair tie on his wrist. “Peggy, what if Y/N finds out about what I did? If not about the money, I’m sure she’d at least be mad about the fact that I am asking her biological parents to cut ties all with her. I don’t even think I can keep the part about the money from her at this point. I mean, as much I want to keep it from her, I know that it’s not going to be easy to hide it. I thought about lying to her and saying that we wrote off her father’s surgery as part of my pro-bono procedures. But she knows that I ran out of funding with the last procedure I did a few months ago. She’ll ask where the money came from and... I don’t want her to be mad at me or get offended. I don’t want to lie to her.”

She let out a sigh of relief at his query, her lips curling into a smile as she realized that now what the time to continue her meddling. “Yeah, about that... I may or may not have mentioned to her that you were taking care of her parents’ medical bills.”

Bucky’s eyes grew wide when she had said that. “What? Why would you... Peggy, I told you not to-”

“She was freaking out, Bucky!” The woman cut him off. “She felt helpless, not knowing what to do. She was crying. She didn’t know what to do or how to handle her mother’s demands. I had to tell her, just to calm her down. She needed to know, Bucky, and you know that. She needs to know everything... and I mean everything.” All Peggy could do was hope that Bucky understood what she meant by that. “Please... don’t be mad at me. I know you told Steve and I that she doesn’t find out. I told Romanoff, Wilson and Parker because they’re the doctors involved in her case. But... Y/N needed to know, Bucky. She needed to know that you were the solution to her problem... because that’s exactly what you are.”

“Mrs. Y/L/N.” Peggy greeted your mother with a certain sense of fake politeness that she seemed to have mastered from her years of being a lawyer, a tight-lipped smile on her face as she motioning your mother to step inside the conference room. “Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with us.”

Just by the way she carried herself; it was easy to note that your mother was a rather cold woman. The look on her face was reason enough for the two doctors and the attorney to hope for the best yet expect the worst from this meeting. After all, this was the woman who had been intending to cause you such emotional pain and probably felt no remorse for the way she had been treating you your whole life. They knew exactly what she was capable of but they were certainly not fazed by her presence. If anything, they knew that the power to wield this woman’s will rested upon the cheque that Bucky had been holding onto. They were confident that she would certainly let them have their way; from the numbers that Becca Barnes and the hospital had provided them, they knew that she really needed the money. While obtaining their medical bills from Philadelphia had been illegal, which Peggy had to drill into Bucky’s brain upon finding out what Becca had done for him, they hoped not to bring that up to her during this conversation for whatever reason.

“Mrs. Y/L/N, I believe we’ve met briefly...” Steve shook your mother’s hand, the expression on his face a rather neutral one. He loathed this woman for being such a terrible mother, but the look on his face did not show it. After all, he needed this meeting to go well for your sake, so he was willing to be in her presence until she signed that contract. As your mentor and brotherly figure, he had come to terms with the fact that he was your only immediate family and not her. Perhaps, even Steve needed her to know that he and his wife were more of a family to you than your own mother could ever be. “I’m Dr. Rogers, Y/N’s friend and emergency contact.”

“I remember you.” Your mother gave him a nod, though she was visibly confused as to why she was even meeting with him and the woman who had claimed to be your attorney. Her sole reason for approaching you the way she had done was due to her anger towards you. After all, she felt humiliated by the way you had run away from home, the way you had gotten the police involved in order to be taken out of your home and placed in foster care. New Hope, Pennsylvania, was quite a small town. With its population of a little over twenty-five hundred townspeople, everyone did know everyone. Everyone had come to know how the Y/L/N’s had abused their only daughter, only for her to run away. News travels fast around such small towns. You had brought them shame, yet you now lived a life of a successful surgeon who earned quite a lot of money, while her and your father still remained in their small town home with no proper source of an income. She did not think you deserved any of it.

“Mrs. Y/L/N.” Bucky forced a smile on his face as he held his hand out for your mother to shake. “My name is Dr. Barnes, Y/N’s boyfriend.”

Peggy’s eyes grew wide at the fact that Bucky had introduced himself as your boyfriend. In a way, he was telling her the truth. If all things went well, she hoped that eventually he would become your boyfriend. But who would have known that this man could say such a bold faced lie and still retain his composure. If anything, she knew that this meeting would be quite the entertaining one and she was here for it.

“Boyfriend? I didn’t know that little rat had a boyfriend...” The woman was not even decent enough to take his hand once he mentioned that he was your boyfriend. After all, she firmly believed that you were not worth being loved by anyone in this world. You were a burden to her and your father, the cause of all of her problems and undeserving of even having been born into this world. But whose fault was that? “I must say, I feel sorry for you, son. She’s not fucking worth it. I know her and I know that it’s only a matter of time before she gets up and runs off. Ran off from us like the ungrateful shit she will always be. That’s all she’s ever good for. I’d warn you to get the hell away from her before she breaks your heart and runs off.”

“Why would you, Mrs. Y/L/N? It’s not really appropriate for a liver donor to be mentioning the details of her love life to her recipient’s loved ones, is it? Besides, my girlfriend is certainly not one to share such personal details to anyone other than her immediate family and close friends, which I’m afraid you’re certainly not. So, why would she even mention to you that she had a boyfriend? After all, I believe it’s none of your fucking business...” He retorted with a chuckle, the pent up anger in his chest still remaining under control even though his mind wanted nothing more than to give this woman a stern talking to. “Oh and there’s no need for you to feel sorry for me. I’m sure that I know my own girlfriend better than some woman whose husband got a piece of her liver. After all, that’s all you are right now and all you could ever fucking be. Not to mention that, even though she did save your husband’s life, you do seem to me like that ungrateful shits right now.”

If Steve could laugh and cheer on his best friend right now, he would have done just that. If he had expected this meeting to be a short-lived, cut-to-the-chase kind of transaction, he would have been wrong. He knew that there was no way Bucky could come face to face with this woman and not defend the love of his life. But he struggled to keep a straight face while Bucky dragged your mother through hell like that. Bucky was doing what he could not do and Steve was enjoying every bit of it.

To say that your mother was taken aback by his words would be an understatement. But she was certainly not fazed by his attitude. If anything, this woman was a cold hearted bitch. But what she did not know was that Bucky could be just as cold hearted when he wanted to be. “You’re right. I’m not her family. She lost the right to even call us her family when she ran away, that little rat. And now if she thinks she could just crawl back to us by being this self-sacrificing, attention seeking piece of shit, you tell her that she’s fucking wrong about that. She doesn’t deserve us.”

Both Peggy and Steve were quick to grab onto Bucky’s wrists to make sure that he did not get physical with this woman; even though she probably deserved it for the way she spoke about you. They needed Bucky to remain calm and level-headed until she signed the contract and agreed to leave you alone for good. This was not about Bucky declaring his love for you in front of your mother, but to ensure that you could be safe from all attempts of emotional extortion and be happy.

But Bucky shrugged them off before letting out a laugh that sounded almost bitter. “Oh how delusional must you be, Mrs. Y/L/N, if you think that Y/N would ever dream of coming back to you, as if you were the most perfect mother that she could have ever asked for. If she ran away from you like that all those years ago, I’m sure that she must have had a damn good reason to. I don’t know what the fuck happened back then or why she ran away, but you must have been such shitty parents if she was willing to let the whole town know that you were abusive as fuck. It takes a lot of courage to do that and I’m sure as hell glad that my girl had it in her to get the fuck away from you. I wouldn’t blame her though; she always had excellent judgement when it comes to things like this.” He noted. “Though you’re right about one thing though, she doesn’t deserve you. She deserves better. She deserves so much better than you and your husband’s abusive, selfish, manipulative shit show that you call family. You think you’re her family? That’s the biggest load of bullshit that I’ve ever heard. Family doesn’t treat you any less, make you feel worthless... Family doesn’t cause you pain or make you want to run away. Family doesn’t blame... or shame. Family doesn’t love with stupid, pointless conditions. Look around you, Mrs. Y/L/N, because... we are her fucking family. Not you.” Letting go of Steve and Peggy, he took a step towards your mother. “You have no fucking right to call yourself her family when you tracked her down to this hospital and deliberately tried to extort money from her.”

Your mother was wavering at his words and he knew that. “Don’t you dare speak to me like that!”

“What?! Did you really think that no one knew about your oh so elaborate plan to tie Y/N down and emotionally manipulate her into paying you a shit ton of money?!” Bucky asked as his lips curled into a smirk. “We’re not idiots, Mrs. Y/L/N. Y/N left your asses in New Hope years ago and you two show up here in Brooklyn just as your husband’s liver ‘s about to fail? Did you really think we’d be dumb enough to think that it’s a fucking coincidence?! Y/N may not have been suspicious because you were biologically her parents, but I had my suspicions. I’m sorry to tell you this, ma’am... but there are a hell of a lot of people in this god damn hospital who actually give a shit about her and her well-being and we’re not letting you and your husband get away with trying to emotionally manipulate her. All it took was one damn phone call to the doctor who referred you over to us and he said you asked specifically to be here.” It was true. Becca had been in contact with the doctor who had referred your father over to Natasha, on your mother’s request apparently. “Now that makes me wonder why... because it doesn’t take that long to look Y/N up on Google to know that she works here. Believe me, I would know. I’ve Googled my name a few times to see what comes up.”

Peggy could have sworn that the color had drained from your mother’s face. She turned over to look at her husband with wide eyes, unable to even comprehend that Bucky was really giving her a piece of his mind. If she could, she would talk a hell of a lot more than what he was saying. But she let Bucky take the wheel on this, because the fact that these words came out of his mouth made everything a thousand times better.

“Y-You can’t... prove that.”

“You’re right, I can’t prove that. But what I can prove is that you and your husband owe a hell of a lot of money in medical bills that you can’t afford.” Bucky reminded her, his smirk not leaving his face. “I would ask you how you were planning to pay them off but I think we all know the answer to that, don’t we? We all know what you did and we’re certainly not that happy about it. You have no fucking right to ask Y/N to pay you off. She doesn’t owe you shit for the way you’ve abused her for years. Running away from you was the best thing that could have happened to her... do you really think that she’d want to crawl back to you?!”

“She’s my daughter. She clearly wanted to help us. That was exactly why I asked her for the money.” Your mother said, rather confidently. Even she knew that it was that easy to take advantage of your kind heart. It would have been that easy for her though, had Bucky not got in the way of that. Had you been left alone to your own thoughts, you certainly would have caved in to your mother’s demands. But your friends made sure that it did not get to that point.

“Oh... so now you call her your daughter?” He asked her as he let out a laugh, shaking his head. “So, when you need something from her, she’s your daughter. But when you don’t need her, she’s anything but... do you even realize how fucked up you are?!”

“Bucky!”

James Barnes held his hand up to silence his friend, his gaze not leaving the woman who gave birth to you. “You don’t own Y/N, Mrs. Y/L/N. You may have abused her and manipulated her while she was your child but she’s not a child anymore. She ran off and grew the fuck up. She became a much better person than you could have ever raised her to be and you deserve no fucking credit for what she’s done with her life! She’s not giving you any money.”

“You can’t decide that-”

“Actually, I can!” Bucky cut her off. “And I’m telling you. She’s not giving you a single penny from her hard earned money and I’ll fucking make sure of it, if it’s the last thing I do. She’s already given your husband a piece of her fucking liver and that’s all you’re ever going to get from her!”

Your mother was disappointed that her plan hadn’t worked. She had been rather confident that you would cave in and pay them off. She thought she had the leverage to get you to provide them a luxurious life, the life that she believed you owed them, your own parents. “Then what the hell am I supposed to do with my husband? We’ll end up on the streets...”

“Then so be it. You drove Y/N to the streets too, didn’t you? Why wouldn’t she just do the same to you when she has the chance?” Bucky asked her. Even though he knew that your heart would never dare to wish something so harsh upon your parents, just mentioning it to your mother brought him a sense of satisfaction.

Your mother’s heart sank at Bucky’s words. Had she been wrong about you? Had your heart been so full of vengeance that you had decided not to pay off their medical bills? Did you really want them to end up on the streets? She found that hard to believe, but you were her daughter after all. Surely, you would have inherited some of her qualities.

“God, I wish Y/N would have done that to you heartless monsters. You fucking deserve it. But she’s a hell of a lot better than that.” He noted, biting down on his bottom lip as he held up his cheque. “You want your daughter to pay off those medical bills? That’s fine... but you’re not getting all that money that easily, Mrs. Y/L/N. There’s no way in hell I’m letting that happen. I love Y/N and I love her more than you could ever love her. So if it means that I have to pay your asses off myself, then so be it.” Looking over at Peggy, Bucky gave her a nod. “I’m offering you triple the amount you owe here and a monthly allowance for as long as you and your husband are alive. Let’s just say that Y/N wants her parents to be well taken care of. So if you agree to my terms, the money is all yours.”

The attorney walked around the table to grab to where she had left the envelope that held the contract that she had drafted rather carefully. “Why don’t you have a seat, Mrs. Y/L/N?” She stated with a smirk, taking a seat as her husband walked over to sit next to her. Let’s have a chat like grown-ups for a change.”

As per Peggy’s instructions, Natasha Romanoff found herself never leaving your bedside while she waited for the moment of truth. She was well aware that the attorney had left you in your hospital room to take care of business and she was not planning on leaving you cooped up in your own thoughts until she knew that she could. She could only leave if Bucky showed up. Peggy had told her not to leave you unless she was leaving you alone with Bucky, so all she could do was hope that Bucky would eventually find himself walking into your room once your mother had signed his contract and accepted his payment.

Nat’s hand never left yours as she sat down on the chair next to your bed, her eyes darting to the door every now and then as she heard the sound of footsteps approaching. To say that she was beyond anxious about what’s to come would be an understatement. What if Bucky had chickened out of this perfect opportunity to confess his true feelings? After her last conversation with him, she knew that there was potential that Bucky would back down from realizing his feelings for you. But she knew how much you needed him right now. You had said so yourself. Hopefully, he knew that too.

The Russian surgeon’s sweaty palm against yours had made you wake up from your short nap. You found yourself rubbing your eyes with your free hand as you looked over at the redhead. “Nat...” You licked your chapped lips as you reached over to grab your plastic cup of water in front of you and took a sip. The dry mouth was the worst part of being in post-op, something that you were hoping that you would be able to get rid of once you were allowed to eat some solid foods. Technically, at this point in recovery, you should have been cleared for solids as your intestines may have started working again. But with your unfortunate accident, that step was delayed by a few days.

“Hey...” The woman perked up as she heard your voice, her soft pink lips curling into a smile as she looked up at you. You could see just how heavy her eyes were. She had worked a full shift, which had ended a few hours ago. Just like Bucky and Steve had spent their time off by your bedside, Natasha was also here for you. It was not like she had anyone to go home to anyways. You knew that she had a younger sister, Yelena, who had recently gone off to college. The empty nest syndrome had hit her quite extensively, so she found herself spending more time at the hospital than she used to. “Are you okay, sweetheart? How’s the pain?”

You gave her a weak smile as she let go of your hand. “Better...” You told her but it may have been the first time you had meant it. “I’m feeling much better, Nat.”

She gave you a nod as she stood up from her seat, reaching over to pull you into another gentle embrace. She was still careful not to mess with the wires that were attached to your body and you wondered how long you had to wait until they could come off. After all, you needed some sort of normalcy. “That’s good. The sutures are still holding. If you’re not in that much pain, we can take those drainage tubes out and switch you to a solid diet.”

“That may be the best news that I’ve heard in a while, Nat. I’ve got to admit that being on the receiving end of surgeries is not that fun. Post-op life is awful.” You let out a sigh of relief at her words, your arms wrapped slightly around her as she continued to hold you. You knew that Natasha was not a hugger like Wanda, but she had certainly taken to giving you the best hugs you could have asked for. You needed them, after all. You had always been touch deprived for as long as you could remember. “You know, I never got to say... thank you, for everything you’ve done in the last couple of weeks.”

“We can only hope that you get more good news soon, Y/N.” She said rather hopefully as she pulled back from the hug. “You don’t have to thank me for anything. I was only doing my job. If anyone should be thankful, it should be me. Thank you for trusting me with your life. It meant a lot to me that you were able to see me as a good surgeon, even if you couldn’t see me as your friend back then.”

You let out a content sigh as you reached for her hand once more. “You’re a good friend, Nat.” Grabbing a hold of her hand, you could not help but let out a chuckle. “Hey, your palm’s really sweaty. Are you okay?”

“Oh... yeah, I’m fine.” She replied with a nervous chuckle. “It’s just... it’s nothing.” Rubbing her hands together, she grinned widely at you. “If you continue recovering at this rate, I might even discharge you by the end of next week. Wanda’s taken it upon herself to make a schedule of who gets to watch you when you’re home for the next two months. She’s taken down everyone’s work schedules and she’s working out a plan to make sure at least one of us can be there with you when we’re not working.”

You let out a soft laugh as you shook your head. “Leave it to Wanda for being such a planner.” You noted. The old you would have argued with her, saying how you did not need anyone to watch over you while you were in bed rest. You would have claimed that you could get by on your own and you would have been so wrong about that. But now, you had learned to accept whatever your friends had to offer you. These were your friends, your real friends, the ones who were in it for life. They were going to be a part of your life forever.

The sound of Dr. James Barnes’ tennis shoes squeaking against the tiled floors of the hospital made Natasha turn over to the door and sigh in relief. “Barnes.”

Your heart skipped a beat as you turned towards the door to see the man whom you had been longing to see. You took in the sight of him, for he looked like a breath of fresh air. His familiar navy blue scrubs and black tennis shoes reminded you of the night when you had first met, his advice to you and the reassurance that keep with it. This hospital was where you belonged. His silky long hair parted in the middle, the same way it had been the night he had walked into your clinic to apologize to you after a minor misunderstanding. He had given you that much respect and courtesy, which you could never forget. His icy blue eyes, they were so easy to get lost in, but for the first time in years you had finally noticed just how full of love they were. This was the man who taught you what it meant to be better. This was the man who taught you what it meant to be loved.

Natasha smiled at him before turning over to look at you, taking her cue to leave. “I should get going, Y/N. I’ll see you during rounds tomorrow.” Leaning over to gently stroke your hair, she placed a friendly kiss on the top of your forehead. “You keep those sutures in place until I get back, you hear me? Pull anything funny on me and you won’t hear the end of it.”

You let out a laugh as you turned back to her. “You got it, doc. Drive safely and call me when you get home, please? Just so that I know that you got home safely.”

“Sure, but don’t try to miss me too much.” She gave you a thumbs up as she grabbed her belongings and made her way towards the door. When she reached Bucky, she gave him a warm smile before pulling him into a hug. “Goodnight, Bucky.” She told him before lowering her voice. “If you dare to chicken out right now, I’ll fucking murder you...” With that warning, she kissed him on the cheek and pulled back from the hug, only to make her way over to the doctors’ lounge where the rest of her friends were waiting.

Bucky let out a chuckle as Natasha walked away, his gaze turning back to the woman he loved. “According to my photographic memory, I’m pretty sure that Antonio’s contract with Shylock didn’t mention any jot of blood...” He trailed off as he walked around your bed. “He just offered a pound of his flesh.”

“Need I remind you, Dr. Barnes, that the reason why Shylock couldn’t get what he wanted at the end of that play... was because there was no way one could even cut out a piece of flesh without spilling some blood. You can’t have one without the other. That’s why Portia, in disguise as Balthazar, tricked him in court like that.” You told him as you laughed softly at his reference to The Merchant of Venice. “But you’re right. The contract didn’t mention any jot of blood. That’s why Shylock couldn’t get a pound of Antonio’s flesh and in the end; he lost all of his wealth.”

“Even after Bassanio’s offer to pay him three times the bond that Antonio owed him.” He added, biting down on his bottom lip as he sat at the edge of your bed, setting down the envelope that he had been holding onto.

“Antonio had good friends...” You noted with a smile, your hand reaching over to take his. “And Antonio was a good friend. That’s why he was willing to put down a pound of his own flesh down on that contract in exchange for that bond.”

“Speaking of contracts...” He let out a sigh as he picked up the envelope and handed it over to you. “I took care of your mother, handled your father’s medical bills here and also whatever outstanding medical bills they had back home. I can imagine how awful it must have been for you, when she had asked you to pay them off like that. When Steve told me that you pulled a suture, I... I’m sorry about what happened, Y/N. I shouldn’t have left you. Maybe if I had stayed with you, she wouldn’t have come in here and talked to you like that.”

You could see the look of guilt in his eyes and it pained you to know that he blamed himself for what had happened to you. “James, no... it wasn’t your fault. I was a fucking idiot, not being careful with my sutures and jerking to the side. Of course, it came off. It was my fault.”

Bucky could not help but crack a smile at your words. “You’re such a drama queen, Y/N. If you really wanted to live like you’re in the Merchant of Venice, all you had to do was hop on a plane.”

“Well, what can I say... I liked having ‘Dr. Long Hair Don’t Care’ at my beck and call for an entire day.” You shot him a cheeky wink as you looked down at the envelope that he had handed you, an exasperated sigh escaping your lips as you dumped the contents of it onto your lap. You picked up the contract that your mother had signed, agreeing to cut all ties with you in return for Bucky’s payment. “Wow... she really signed this?” You asked him as you looked up to meet his eyes, a hint of disbelief evident in your voice.

Bucky gave you a nod. “I’m sorry, I... didn’t meant to... take away the only family that you had. I just wanted to protect you from-”

“No, I get it, James.” You cut him off as you gave him a genuine nod. “If she could even try to extort money from me when I was high on pain meds, God knows what she could do when I wasn’t. It would have been a never ending circle of me being an idiot and her taking advantage of that. You put an end to it, so... thank you for that.” Your lips curled into a smile as you continued to hold onto his hand, not wanting to let go. “My only concern is that... did she even hesitate to sign it?”

He did not want to let go either. He let out a sigh as he scooted closer towards you. “No, she... signed right away. She agreed to the terms and... took the payment.” He did not see a point in lying to you anymore, or hiding the truth for that matter. He knew that you needed to know everything and he was going to tell you everything.

You let out another sigh as you felt your eyes glaze over with salty tears. “So, my mother... had no second thoughts about letting go of the one and only daughter that she had... in exchange for money? So what? As of today, I don’t have a mom... or a dad? Not that I ever did, I didn’t have a mom when I really needed one...” And so, you opened up the part of you that you had always kept closed, the memories of that dreadful night flooding back to you as you finally let him in on your tragic past. “When I was little, my father used to say that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him... that I was his angel, his lucky charm. He used to say that his business picked up after I was born. He was... my dad. I think I was six or seven when my parents went bankrupt. I didn’t even know what it meant back then. All I knew was that dad was no longer going to work and mom got a job at the motel where all the tourists came to stay.” You reached over to wipe away your tears with your free hand. “Things changed after that. My dad started to hate me. He blamed me for everything that’s been happening to our family. I didn’t know what I had done wrong but... my dad didn’t love me anymore.”

Bucky let out a sigh as he scooted closer to you, wrapping his arm gently around you as he let you lay your head against his shoulder. “I mean... I knew about that.” He admitted. “I got my PI sister to look into your parents because I got a little suspicious about their intentions. I wanted to make sure that they weren’t after your money and I was right about it.”

You let your head rest against his shoulder, not even paying attention to what he had just told you. It was not that important. All that mattered to you was that he was here and you were safe. “He started drinking a lot. My mother took me to school when she went off to work and I got picked up by the neighbors because she worked late. I would get home to an empty house, get started on dinner and wait for my drunken father to get home. I always did what they asked me to do, kept the house clean and tidy, cooked and put food on the table every night, finished my homework while I waited for him. He got home in time for dinner, didn’t always eat the food but... he always...” You bit down on your bottom lip as the tears continued to stream down your face, not knowing how to say this. “He started hurting me.”

Bucky clenched his fist as your words, the thought of your childhood self being physically abused crushing his heart in an instant. His blood was starting to boil but he held onto you, never wanting to let go. He knew how much you needed him right now.

“There were nights when I would... set the table, eat quickly, do all of my homework and hide in my bedroom until the next morning. I tried to stay out of his sight so that he wouldn’t hurt me, scared... absolutely paranoid. My mother never knew because she was always at work. She didn’t get home until like... really late at night. But after a few years, it got too much... I couldn’t keep doing it, James. I was scared and hurting and... all I wanted was for someone to just... not hurt me, hold me, tell me that things are going to get better.” Sniffling away your tears, you looked up at him for a moment. “I put up with it all for a few years before I decided that I was done with it all. I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed my mother to know what was happening while she wasn’t home. It was the night before Valentine’s Day... when I was in my junior year of high school. My mother was home that night because she got the day off. The motel usually gets booked up on Valentine’s Day so they gave her a day off. I got home from school and... I went up to her... gathered up all of my courage and told her what was going on. I think I was expecting her to be furious with my father, to... be my mother, get me the help that I desperately needed. But she... she started... she didn’t believe me and she...” You broke into a sob against his shoulder, your tears staining through his scrub shirt. But either of you could care less about that. “She couldn’t... she couldn’t do what moms are supposed to do. She couldn’t hold me or tell me any comforting words. She couldn’t... I thought she would at least act like my mother for once but she...”

Bucky let out a sigh as he shut his eyes, letting the tears stream down his face as he continued to hold onto you. His hand gently stroked through your hair, his touch a soothing one that filled you with warmth. In his arm, you felt safe, for you were finally free from your dreadful past. Your life was now better, all thanks to him. “You... you ran away that night, didn’t you?” He asked you, and you could hear his voice breaking as he spoke. You knew that at that moment, what he felt for you was not pity. It was something much more than that. It was empathy. It was care. It was love.

You nodded your head as you recalled the events that followed your mother’s outburst. “My mother was in the kitchen, making dinner for my father for when he comes home. I hopped in the shower because... I wanted to cry, I wanted to cry so badly. I don’t know where I heard this but... someone had once told me that the best place to cry was the shower. No one would hear you over the running water and if anyone walked in on you crying, they wouldn’t know that you were crying because they can’t see tell the difference between your tears or the running water. I just wanted to cry... but I didn’t want to face whatever would have happened when my father got home and my mother told him what I told her. I was done with it all but how long could I just stay in the shower? I knew I had to get out of there, at that very moment. I hopped out of the shower but I left the water running, threw on whatever clothes I could find... a pair of sweat pants and a hoodie. It was snowing so much. I’m pretty sure it was a blizzard or something but I didn’t care. At that point, I would rather freeze to death than stay with them. I’d left jacket and my boots by the front door so... I couldn’t go and grab them. I didn’t want my mother to hear me. All I had on my feet were shower flip flops. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t pack a bag or anything. I just grabbed a handful of cash that I had been saving up. Where was I going? What was I going to do? How was I going to manage anything? I didn’t care... I just needed to get out of there and everything would be better.” You pulled back from his embrace for a moment, wiping away your tears as you noticed that James was also in tears. Seeing his face made you pull him back into a hug and you let out a sigh. “I opened my bedroom window, jumped out... slid down the roof really and managed to land in a mound of snow. My flip flops fell off of my feet and I couldn’t see where they landed. I was running around... bare feet. It was cold, James. It was really cold. I could feel the snow crunching against my feet but I managed to grab my flip flops. My feet were numb, I couldn’t even stand. My hair was still wet; it just froze up in a few seconds. Before I could even think twice about what I was doing, I ran. I ran as fast as my feet could take me and my flip flops kept coming off. I didn’t care. I didn’t know where to go at first... but the only place I knew to go was my school. It took me a half hour to get there. It had always been my safe place. It was the day before Valentine’s Day, a Thursday. It was the night before the school dance and they were setting up for it. I managed to sneak inside when some people were trying to move some sound equipment into the gym. I went straight into the girls’ bathroom, locked myself in a stall and cried. I was freezing, I couldn’t breathe, my hair was frozen, I was pretty sure I was going to get frostbites... I was terrified, James. I didn’t know if I could even make it through the night. I didn’t know if my mother had figured out that I ran away. What if she saw that I left my window open, what if she saw my footsteps in the snow and followed me here. I was so scared. I felt so alone and lost. At that moment, I thought that I had no one in this world to call myself my family. I had nobody.”

Bucky wanted to tell you that you had him now. Everything was going to get better. But he could not get himself to speak, for he was still processing what you had just told him. He pulled back from the hug to wipe away his tears, his hands clutching onto yours as though he wanted to massage some warmth into them. Your hands were not cold at that moment. They were sweaty. You were safe. But he could not believe how much those hands had been through, what they had to survive in order to get where they were.

“One of my teachers who happened to be helping set up for the dance... she found me. When I told her what happened, she just took me back to her house. Let me warm up and she let me spend the night at her place. She took me to the sheriff’s office the next morning and... I’ve been alone since then, James. Never got back what I lost that night, no family, no friends... no sense of being loved or belonging. I lost it all that night... in that snowy... winter night.” Your lips curled into a weak smile as you leaned over to cup his cheeks. “And I found what I lost years ago... on another snowy wintry night, but this time in Brooklyn. My feet were crunching against the snow but I was wearing my boots. I wasn’t freezing, I had my coat on. I wasn’t lost, I had a destination and it was home. And I wasn’t alone... I was with you. I was with you, James. You valued me enough to come looking for me, find me and... give me that respect. You told me that I was capable of being much better than what life had to offer me and... You are so much better than everything that life’s had to offer me, James... because on another winter night, I got back everything I lost. And it was all because of you.”

“Goodnight, Dr. Barnes.” You gave him a wave as you began to walk into the diner, stopping in front of the door before turning around to look at him. “Hey… James?”

He had turned around to cross the street once he waved you goodbye when you had called out to him. At first he was a little startled that you had referred to him by his first name, as you had never done that before. Besides, no one else other than his parents had called James. “Yes?”

“Thank you.” You told him as you gave him a genuine smile.

He nodded, smiling brightly as he ran his hand through his hair. And it was at that moment on that cold winter night did Y/N Y/L/N manage to thaw out the cold dead heart of James Buchanan Barnes. But what he did not realize that night was that he had managed to thaw her out too.

“I love you, Y/N Y/L/N.” Bucky finally said the words that he had been holding onto for years, his hands placed on top of yours as he tilted his head down so that your foreheads could touch. “I’ve loved you ever since that snowy night, when you called me by my name and thawed out my cold head heart with a single smile. I’ve loved you ever since I realized that you were a much better doctor and a much better human being than I could ever be. I’ve loved you because you never let life get the worst of you. You always made things better for yourself and everyone around you. You made me better, you make me better.” The never ending tears continued to stream down his face as he finally confessed his true feelings. “I love when you care for everyone around you. I love that you’re selfless. I love that no matter how bad life had treated you, you never gave up. I love that you always thrived to be better. I love how much you care about your patients. I love how you treat the hospital staff as equals. I love you for who you are, because you are worthy of being loved. Even if you’ve never been loved by anyone in your whole damn life, even if you think that you don’t deserve to be loved, I want you to know this. You are loved, Y/N. You are loved so fucking much, by your James.”

#aj writes #better #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes au #doctor!bucky #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic

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kiyaar · 5 years

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Endgame: I cried 4x; would cry again

(also on dreamwidth if you’d rather there: https://kiyaar.dreamwidth.org/16242.html) I will preface this by saying: I watched Endgame 4 times. I cried at all showings. I still rate it 9/10 for me. This is not useful critical analysis, it is mostly a feelings dump. I am bad at writing meta and that's why I write fic instead. Whatever. Spoilers abound below the cut.

(You know what, I might be okay at writing meta, but I'm better at writing fic and I dislike getting into fights with strange children on the internet, so I don't do it often.) 

THINGS I LOVED AND AM NOT OVER:

Tony in that crimson shirt looking into the void of space and knowing he's about to die inside one of his recurring nightmares and having to come to terms with that.

I really love Tony and Nebula's relationship and I feel like I could write a 30k fic about that month they had together on the ship.

ALL THE SWEARING. horseshit. you gotta be shitting me. shit. SHIT.

TONY AND MORGAN. Are you fucking kidding me. I had a fucking heart attack as soon as she put up her baby repulsor wearing Pepper's helmet and then it just. Never Let Up. SO TENDER. EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED. (I absolutely did not expect that from this movie but I am delighted by its inclusion.) How the fuck am I supposed to function now that I know how Tony is with his kid in MCU?

Tony, in That Scene, emaciated and in his wheelchair and high and ripping his IV out and his whole speech: "....no trust. Liar." Wow. Wow was that content that was developed for me personally. RIPPING HIS METAPHORICAL (broken) heart out and putting it in Steve's hand and then collapsing. I don't even fucking know what to say, I've watched it like 20 times on camrip at this point.

All these tiny nods to past MCU were really satisfying. I don't care what people say. This movie was for the fans. It was for me.

That brainstorming session when they're just lying around on the table.

Nat's look is Good in this movie. That's all.

I feel there's a high probability Nat and Steve are fucking during that five year jump, but in a sad "neither of us can have who we want" way and also a "we have a deep friendship so we can be deeply intimate with each other and it's not weird" way. I have a strong urge to write porn about it.

Tony's whole "I know how to do this but I should forget I know" dilemma. Really hit me where I live. The Tony I got in this movie rivals only IM1 and CACW Tony for the most 616 Tony I've ever seen in MCU.

I just really love Tony walking around in that house in the woods in crewneck sweatshirts, doing dishes, pouring iced coffee for his old Avengers pals, trying to forget about that life and fucking FAILING, trying to savor his embarrassment of life wealth because HE FUCKING SURVIVED and how is he supposed to know what to do with that? There's a reason he didn't stay at the compound and it's not Pepper. It's because the minute the Avengers come to him he can't stay away any longer. God, I love Tony Stark.

I don't care how shitty the time travel logic was in this movie, I loved it. As soon as they were like "we're gonna time travel" I was slightly disappointed that they weren't gonna do multiverse instead, but WITHOUT FAIL, I will always find a good time travel story (in that it's EMOTIONALLY SATISFYING) arousing. Whatever.

America's ass. Are you kidding. That actually happened, onscreen. I still mostly don't ship Steve and Tony in MCU because they don't have that deep shared history and they don't make jokes with each other and they don't finish each other's sentences - wait.

This is the first movie that did not include a single "Stark" or "Rogers" in a "I don't know you that well" or "I'm distancing myself from you" kinda way and while that is a crime I frothed at the mouth every time they called each other Steve and Tony in this movie. Jesus.

TONY GIVING HIS PAST SELF A CARDIAC SITUATION. REALLY. REALLY!? THANK YOU MCU

I lost it. LOST IT. When Steve walked into that elevator.

similarly: Tony and Steve finishing each other's thoughts in that alley while completely ignoring scott lang. Okay. AND THEN:

THE 70s. Are you kidding me? This movie was like "this was crafted with your id in mind" and it kept DOING IT and going to places I was not expecting! I went in with zero expectations! And then CAPTAIN STEVE ROGERS IN THAT UNIFORM. WITH THOSE AVIATORS.

Bruce did the gauntlet! I was not expecting this. It was a successful diversion, because I lost my shit 20 minutes later.

I lost my goddamn mind when Steve picked up Mjolnir. I know it happens in Fear Itself so I wasn't really expecting it, at all, but once it happened I was sobbing and I did not stop until the credits rolled.

I lost my goddamn mind AGAIN when Sam came through the portal and all of the portals opened and all of the heroes stepped through and it was just gonna be Steve against the world and he would have done it!!! He would have. He fucking USED HIS SHIELD AS A SPLINT but he didn't have to do it alone! I'm crying again! Fuck!

Avengers Assemble. It only took you 11 fucking years, MCU. COol. COOL

That end sequence was not real. It was all computers. And I did not fucking care, because it was the most comic book fucking thing I've ever seen in a movie and I felt so powerful and like everything was so okay for just a few minutes and I was so proud. And I was just sitting there in my seat, riveted, feeling like: my heroes. There they are. Beautiful.

THOR'S GLOW UP IN THIS MOVIE. JESUS GOD. His finest look yet. Fucking fight me. Hemsworth has never looked more like an actual Norse God.

STEVE'S SCALE MAIL. WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT ANY OF IT.

CAROL!!!!! CAROL'S HAIR!!!! CAROL'S NEW SUIT!! CAROL IS SO POWERFUL! SHE IS POSSIBLY OP! DON'T YOU DARE NERF HER @MARVEL!!!

Tony really didn't know until right that minute when he made the decision to fucking wrestle those stones away. He doesn't realize what's gonna happen even when he asks Strange if this is the version where they get it right.

I don't even know what to say about Tony. It's everything I ever wanted. I mean, look at my icon. I just didn't breathe for like a solid minute while he held his hand up and looked at Thanos and fucking Did That.

I am fine with his death because it sort of puts this universe to bed for me in the sense that there will be (presumably) no new Tony content I think I do my best work after the fact because I can't worry about being Jossed and I do best when I find the cracks in preexisting canon, anyway.

Tony Stark. What a fucking legend. What a fucking hero.

STARTED FUCKING CRYING AGAIN WHEN SAM GETS THE SHIELD. WOW. HOLY SHIT.

I just feel very lucky to have been alive when this franchise was happening. I know it's not over, but I feel like it's mostly over for me. My faves are dead and old.

THINGS I WAS NOPE ON:

gay Joe Russo. really. it's been 22 goddamn movies and that's the bone you throw? eat my entire ass.

they really shot themselves in the foot using Ramin Djwadi for Iron Man 1 and then Alan Silvestri for the rest of the Avengers proper movies. imagine what that could have been with like. A legitimate score. (though I did DEARLY LOVE the inclusion of the tony thru the wormhole theme when Tony wrestles with Thanos for the last time.)

I still don't care about Peter Parker. I just don't. shrug emoji. I wish Steve had gotten his proximity spot in Tony's death scene.

Why are we doing the Ronin thing in this movie? it doesn't make sense. there is nothing in the MCU to support this at this point. I am tired. Clint's haircut is dumb. My haircut is similar but better.

The running 'thor-is-fat' jokes. I am fucking tired. And EVERY TIME, I went to a theater where people laughed at every instance of that fucking joke. I have been Thor. I am Thor right now. As someone pointed out on twitter, all of Tony's ribs did not elicit laughs and were there for a similar purpose: to denote trauma and Doneness. You cannot slap someone out of a panic attack. Just. One time, get trauma right. It's not that fucking hard.

CGI Mark Ruffalo. I really like Mark Ruffalo and I get that they needed a quick resolution to the "the Hulk won't perform" issue and they sure got it, but that shit isn't gonna hold up well.

unpopular probably: that shot with all the women grouping up. a.) implausible, b.) I hate being pandered to and that was fucking pandering

Steve. Not my Steve! Possibly a pod person. See the Entire Section Below.

Nat's death. Are you kidding. See the Entire Section Below.

"our time travel is better than back to the future because We Said So." Read a fucking book and see SECTION BELOW

STEVE  Okay, so. I had a problem with Steve in this movie that had nothing to do with Evans' acting and everything to do with the mess that was CACW and his lack of a character arc. It's like...they gave up, and had him revert to 'lie down on the floor and give up.'  And I would normally be okay with that? I mean, I've written that fic. But there was so much of him MISSING, here. How does he feel about those five years? WHO the FUCK told this man he was qualified to be leading any sort of group therapy? Where is my man who will fight anything, living or dead? Where are his anger management issues, the Single Defining Character Trait that survives all multiverses? Fuck Clint's anger management issues, give me Steve being patently suicidal out in the world that's now been taken from him twice or show me Steve ruining something. Because he may have been Done With The Gig at the end of CACW but we all know: Steve is never done with the gig. He cannot walk away. It is not in his code. And I just didn't see any of that in this movie.  

He was SO MUCH of a pod person for me that I developed a very elaborate theory that he is actually an altered version of Steve from an earlier timeline to make myself feel better about it. I have 13 pages of notes about it.

 Which brings me to the ending. I knew they were pushing The Past hard as there are like 13 mentions of peggy whether visual or verbal callbacks throughout the movie - but they really fucking did that and I DON'T BUY IT.  I DO buy Steve being selfish. That I do. But I don't buy him fucking up her life. I think it's conceivable he could have decided he'd done enough, and then he stopped by to have a dance, and then he left, and then he got married to some rando and lived out his life in relative obscurity. Maybe he'd be okay with that. (I have a fix for this, too: upon returning the soul stone, Steve must sacrifice something dear to him. He sacrifices THE JOB. The HEROING. He has no other choice but to put it all down.) I read his expression at the end as guarded and sad, it did not read as a Happy End for him for me. And I guess I'm okay with that, but the logic behind it all doesn't make any fucking sense (there's no way he should have been able to return to 2023 as he was unless he was Secretly Married/In Hiding the whole time and there were 2 steves in the timeline). But I know Chris Evans just wants to make shitty romcoms and snuggle his dog, and I get that.  

Also why is no one talking about how that shield was completely fucking different? Where the hell did he get that?   

tl;dr: I have always said Steve was robbed of a third installment in his franchise and it stalled his character development. I was WAY on board with how they did him in TWS but after that I lose him. I don't know who he is. I don't know what he wants. I don't know what his soul craves. I guess that's what the fic machine is for.  

 NAT 

NAT did not get the ending she deserved, nor did she get the one I wanted for her. I am, once again, baffled by the way Marvel privileges those characters with families and "real" markers of maturity, even if they've undergone a laughable amount of character development over the course of the franchise. (Clint. I'm talking about Clint. The Clint who threw a tantrum and decided he was just gonna. Murder a bunch of brown people because he was having his grief or whatever.)  

Nat has come so far. She is one of the few characters I consistently root for in MCU. There are not many. Of the original 6, I am always watching for what happens to Tony, Steve, and Nat, in that order. She has been a spy, an ally, a friend, a fighter, an unpaid donor of emotional labor for all these fucking men, and although there is still no way I will ever see ScarJo as a believable Russian spy, I am very very fond of her character in the MCU. I love her relationships with Steve and Tony.   

And she was FUCKING SHAFTED.   

Other people have written about how her team-up with hawkeye makes her the object to be sacrificed, especially given that SHE JUMPED. He did not throw her over the edge. I'd like to raise questions about their relationship - Clintasha is real, I guess, but they sure ignored that for 7 years just to shoehorn it in at the end when they needed it. I liked their fight. I found it believable that they would fight right up til the end about that. But I'm not happy with the choice. I wanted it to be Clint. Her arc was heading towards SELF-IMPOSED ABSOLUTION.  

I just want to ask these fucking men. These men who write these fucking movies. Do you have any idea how rare it is to even see someone approaching that on screen? I just feel so cheated.

And then they have her jump. Because Clint needs to hug his fucking children. Whatever.  

THE TIME TRAVEL:

 I am very tired and this post is so long already, so I think the time travel might get its own post. Me and my 13 pages of notes deserve their proper day in the sun.  

I do have this to say: it is SUPREMELY lazy to make this movie and not make your own internal logic AIRTIGHT. You have one job if you make a time travel movie! It is to become an expert on your own time travel. 

#endgame #endgame spoilers #mcu

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xz017 · 5 years

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oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me?????????????????????

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble.

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

#personal tea #read more only #entry

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ts-akhmim · 4 years

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Episode 13 | “STIMULUS CHECK? NO BITCH HERE'S A REALITY CHECK” - Adam

so. its over and im out of the game. i waited a couple hours to write this because i knew i would hurt some feelings if i didnt and if we learnt anything from today its that jake's feelings get hurt real easy and we wouldn't want that would we. i think the reason i have struggled (and likely still will) to get closure is because i don't think this makes sense for jake? i've had some frustrations and some suspicions with jake over the past two rounds but i had no intentions of cutting him any time soon. i am a shield he so desperately needed what is wrong with him. like even if i wanted to cut him how on earth would i have got it done? with what numbers. to use a quote from autumn in the game we played together before but adapted for this instance, "today we learned unless jake feels like the prettiest girl at the dance every minute of every day, you’re not doing enough". now to the fun stuff. i want to just tribute to adam and autumn. adam is someone i was SO sus of at the start but he is a gem. his personality is so vibrant he is a true gem. autumn hill is who i wanna dedicate this to and focus this on. autumn is one of my best allies ever and one of my favourite ORG people ever... what a complete. legend. such a role model to me in my real life, she has taught me to be confident, to back myself and to not take any shit and for that I'm so grateful. i literally am so honoured to call her my friend and i cant wait to meet her in person when she moves to the UK WOOOO. anyway i've also moved on from being 100% self negative. i fought so hard this season i played so so so hard and i fought my way to F8 despite being a threat since F21. i did the damn thing and im proud, and even tho it sucks that all my fighting was cut short by my closest ally i tried my very best and that's all i can do. thank you to the hosts for bringing me back, its been a... journey hehe

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I don’t think anyone is ready for this round or at least what’ll come of it... I’m expecting an explosion or a mess given Jakey thinks he’s staying, TJ has been lied to, and hopefully Autumn or Adam leave next... its all a mess. If Jakey goes, I’m planning a 2-2-2 split between Autumn and Adam where we maybe get Autumn out but Adam leaving doesn’t hurt either.

Well that vote blows... I really thought I had someone that I could navigate this end game with and then it got completely taken away from me. Now, I know I have to do what’s best for my game. And there’s two scenarios I see being possible: 1. Staying with my alliance and voting out Autumn/Adam and then risking that the three Beauties will actually cut someone in that group. 2. I flippy flippy and vote with Autumn (oh dear, I’m actually considering this?) and get Amir out to set myself up with Kendal and Augusto to get to the F3. Amir just told me he has the Beauty idol, so this may be my only shot to get him out of this game. I really need to consider both of these options, because I think this is the round that makes or breaks my entire game.

Having a mental breakdown over the fact that I’m probably gonna lose jakeys friendship And even tho our friendship was 100% real and I love him so much he’s gonna think it was all fake

https://66.media.tumblr.com/0d8a51f03cf584de6183ffd755b60d02/tumblr_nsvsd4arRn1rrcjuxo1_r1_400.gifv

Not a single person in this game has ever wanted to go to the end with me except for kendall Jakeys trying to take her out right now and i want to keep jakey in the game so bad but 4 people want him out so bad and the only way to save him is with my idol and i want to keep my idol and i want to keep a relationship with kendall but augusto will know that its my idol that saved jakey so my entire game will be blown the fuck up so i have to just let him go strategically, Since jakey is leaving, i wanna try and make sure adam is next because hes the strongest competitor that will be left and if i make it to five and four i need to win comps. Okay I need to actually strategize lmao so after this vote if it goes as expected I believe autumn has the idol, just based on how she was behaving Her and adam and me are afraid of tj kendall Augusto final 3, however, if that does become a final 3, I can force it out of kendall, so as long as Adam and autumn do not win immunity, we can split the vote on them, or just 3 beauties vote together strong. I’m also using autumn and Adams target on tj to make tj want them out even more, so next round, autumn and adam vs tj is a thing, and the 3 beauties can be safe as long as it doesn’t tie, and if worst comes to worst, I still have my idol, which can get me in the final 5 but I really really want to save my idol for final 5

JAKEY GETS VOTED OUT

So here’s my dilemma for the round: I basically started the Adam name with Amir. I would prefer to go with that because I don’t know if I can beat Adam at the end. The problem with this though is that I don’t want to lose Jakey if he’s so for getting rid of Kendall. So where is the middle ground here?

So I think tonight is going to be my night. I have a lot of power right now in this game oddly enough. Are people potentially going for me, yeah, but I'm going to be safe which means I probably have enough room to screw up whoever's plan I would like to. Amir wants to do a 2-2-2 split, which I can easily screw up if I get Adam and Autumn on my side (which I see possibly happening). I can more than likely convince Autumn she doesn't need to play an idol if she's the vote (maybe on that one). And I know Adam wants to make a move with me saying Augusto is trying to get the vote on me or Autumn, which shows my concern that the three Beauties are at least locked to final four (I don't think they'd all take one another, but I don't think they'll turn on one another just yet). So now, here's where I may be able to take a stand and put myself in a spot where I may have some control. I need that one move that is at the top of my resume... can this be the one? Question is: what the hell is that move?

I was really confident last night we had a good plan set up but today I dont know why in my gut i feel like im about to be voted out, i dont want to be a pessimist but im just making this so i dont feel like a *complete* fool so um yeah...... we're about to go to tribal in a matter of minutes, autumn isnt playing the idol so im gonna feel real dumb if i gave it to her and she screws me over, but i did my work, and at this point all i can do is sit and keep my fingers crossed things go my way, but trust and believe even if im voted out yall will see ONE final confessional from me dragging them left and right.

Okay back to this game, so basically, I do not trust anyone at this current moment not a single person except maybe kendall, this is the most wild vote I have ever ! I think I’m getting bamboozled literally, OKAY OKAY OKAY so Augusto tells adam that he wants to do autumn, Adam tells me and autumn that, we talk to autumn, autumn gets tj on board. From my perception, autumn and adam should be believe that us 4 are voting Augusto and leaving kendall out of it. But then tj and I already told Augusto that plan, and the real plan is to 2-2-2 them, Incase one of them plays an idol. But I have so much fear from the things that tj has been telling Augusto about his fear of my idol and me being at final 5 and 4, and also telling me he’s scared Theres no cracks in the beauty alliance, so he might actually agree to that plan with us and then 3-2-1 me by telling them everything because he literally could do that And then whoever wins immunity is going to change everything even more, because of one of them wins, the other can play the idol on themselves which is a whole ass mess in itself, and right now, it just comes down to if I trust tj and Augusto . R they telling me the truth or are they lying ? Like I’m dkdjdjnd kdndkdnd Anyway, I probs am playing my idol today cuz I don’t wanna look like booboo the fool but also we love risks, so I might just not play my idol, idk idk it depends who wins immunity and it depends on the vibe I get from tj moving foreward

So I haven't really been making confessionals... In my defense I have been busy but that doesn't mean I haven't been active... So I have a final 2 deal with everyone in the cast sans Autumn. I have a deal with TJ, I have a deal with Augusto and I have a deal with Amir. And as much as it sucks I am going to stick to Augusto and Amir. Sorry TJ you are a good bean but I don't want to lose to you.

Should I blame the whole plan on tj http://prntscr.com/ss4sie

i didnt make a confessional before the live since i wasnt sure what the HELL was gonna happen so hello coming to you LIVE from the afterlife because yall didnt THINK you could fly me off this island without one last adam rant for the season did you? for the first time in all 3 times ive played actually....feeling some type of way over being voted out, maybe it's just because of quarantine and having literally nothing better to do, but i took this game seriously and i tried my damndest. I think my fatal mistake was trying too hard (or maybe not enough?) today with certain people, i was trying to play them all and my biggest fear of them either comparing notes and catching on, or they just didnt want to hear me out, ALSO THE TWIST PLEASEEEEEE im kinda glad if i went out it was kinda just....in that big bang of a mess, i mean, a legacy advantage and an idol being played AND wasted? ugh i really had the gals and gays shook and bothered!! because at least now i can blame that to feel slightly better about myself, because trust and believe if i had even just TEN MINUTES to strategize i think i couldve convinced autumn to use our idol on me because i had a feeling in my gut it was coming especially with how silent it was, i also regret not CAUSING A DAMN SCENE. I HAD 10 MINUTES TO SAVE MYSELF AND I REALLY LET MYSELF BELIEVE I WAS IN THE CLEAR AND NOW IM CLEAR-LY OUT THE GAME. foolish man. (foolish man being ME). but whatever. at least i got to clear my name from THOSE DAMN BEAUTYS, I KNEW THEY WERE GONNA BE MY UNDOING ONE WAY OR ANOTHER SINCE DAY 7. im not entirely bitter at anyone for lying to me since i was lying just as much, but ultimately i feel like for the entire season i did the best with what i had. I could be a complete fool but even now that im out of the game i STILL stand by what i said with how i feel like i played with my back against the wall for most of the game and i felt like it was truly SO hard getting people to want to work with me especially early on and FOR WHAT REASON? but whatever, it made the game interesting to me at least because i felt like they wrote me off, so i wrote my own ending. and clearly it wasnt the ending i wanted, but im surprisingly at peace with it in a weird way even just as im typing it out, i feel like for the first time in my tumblr survivor career i didnt just sit back and do nothing, i got to get my hands a little dirty, be apart of some good plays, and according to ali i actually did have some sort of a shot at winning r i p, im a really competitive person (the downside of being an aries) so the fact that i even got to play the game and enjoy making moves, i know i tried my best and that's what matters in the end!!! Also not to toot my own horn but im VERY happy i can at least say im happy with my finishes being 3rd, 5th, 6th.. not bad for a girl with no talent! not me realizing with me getting 6th place and all these idols/advantages coming out i almost had a cirie game changers moment... ugh even more iconic. anywho AUTUMN IS THE ONLY ONE I WANT TO WIN SO SHE BETTER DO THE DAMN THING.

hey you guys, it's me adam coming to you from post tribal where i was just voted ou- what? huh?? they didnt vote me OUT??? gorl what in the 2020 is going on here because i was shocked, i mean im THRILLED, the devil works hard but i work harder (autumn too ofc she probably did more than me actually DKJSA) - BUT im a little in awe because guess what this is the FIRST time i really just had to trust the people i have been talking with and they didnt screw me over, yet at least, i know jake was just a universal threat especially after the little stunt he pulled... so now my thoughts on that, ill tell you i was ready to go into tribal and for him to try and verbally murder me on his way out, so im glad he didnt do that but im always ready to fight so i wouldve loved the drama. kinda sad we didnt get it SDJKAF but all in all, i was all for working with jake to take down that other side, but if youre gonna burn me you better prepare for the inferno im gonna fire back, and sure the others couldve just wanted jake gone for their own plans, but i think me and autumn absolutely did THAT and thats that on that. I knew TJ was going to vote for me thanks to Kendall because me and her have truly bonded over wanting to get jake out this round for throwing both of our games into chaos, and guess what, while me and kendall may not have been talking as much before, im about to get REAL buddy buddy with her she's suddenly my bestie boo because now that we're at 6? game on. I want kendall in the end with me and i need to keep convincing her that she needs me with her and ill vote with her, and i think she's interested in it unless she's playing me because she did give me that TJ tea, which love tj as a person im actually not mad, he will just need to be voted off next still if i have anything to do with it OOP. He doesn't really fit into any of my plans, plus he's officially the only person to vote for me now except for either liam or the prejury? probably the pre jury, so now i know i probably cant trust him, but getting amir out next could also be the move, it all really depends on immunity, im gonna keep up on my appearences, get my princess diana wave on and be bestie boos with as many people as i can because my strategy at this point is to just make sure everyone believes they need me around, im not a THREAT im here to HELP you, but ultimately im only looking out for my best interest like hello its the game, and autumns too for now because she still has that idol that we can play to benefit both of us, so who the hell knows what's gonna happen live tomorrow but bring it on because im ready for a battle

So now that that's done and I'm cute and immune, I can confirm it all. Yes I do have the merge idol, yes I've had it since Final 7 but planned not to play it until Final 5, and yes that makes me the most powerful person here. Deadass everyone wants my head on a stick and I don't give a single fuck. I'm chilling all weekend, letting them think they're doing something if/when I lose win immunity, and then I'm sending a man out on one vote Monday night. You think they hate me now? Wait til they find out they can't take a shot at me until Final 4 lmaaaaoo. Be blessed!

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#BackWithVengeance

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jawllines · 7 years

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OKAY SO A WHILE AGO I WROTE VAMPIRE HARRY AND THERE WAS A LAST PART WHERE THEY WERE GOING TO FUCK THAT I NEVER FINISHED BUT HERE WAS WHAT IT WAS GOING TO BE!!

iv.

Harry is no virgin, obviously, in his 100+ years he's had sex with a good amount of people.

However, none of those people had been humans.

And now Harry has a human who he loves dearly, who is getting antsy with him as each day goes by.

His dilemma is clear. How was Harry supposed to trust himself to bed a human without hurting her in some way? Vampire sex was rough, raw, hot and heavy, with lots of biting and scratching, pulling, sometimes throwing -- it's a lot of stuff where Harry's inhibitions have gone entirely and all he's thinking with was his prick. A vampire can take a lot because they're and able to reciprocate it, whereas a human wouldn't be able to handle most of what they do, so that means Harry has to learn how to have sex with a human before he can even think to touch Y/N.

Or that was the plan, at least, it was really hard to not think about it. When he'd eaten her out that was one thing and he'd almost lost himself doing it, Harry could only imagine how his body would react to being inside of her. In warm, pulsing, tight walls that draw him nearer and the thought of hitting that spot deep inside her and the reaction she would have makes him shudder. It's images like these that make him hesitant to let her kiss him for long before he starts in with something he might regret, no matter how she cements her mouth to his with greedy fingers crumpling in his shirt like a plea. '

It's been a few weeks, closing in on a month since Y/N found out exactly what Harry was. Kristie is locked away for now and with strict instructions to not listen to whatever "delusions" she might spit at them, the black mass that had been controlled by her has been eliminated by means of destroying the charm she made for it (which was this whole, complicated thing Harry barely remembers reading about, but basically she concentrated her dark thoughts into a small jewel and whenever she wanted Y/N to be sought after she would give it a squeeze three times), Des has been resorted to only knowledge of Y/N's existence as a "blood whore", and he doesn't seem to really care about that much because their business was booming. It was the calm after the storm, everything slow and easy and nice, so it would be the perfect time to do it. The perfect time to bed her as they both desire.

He knows its insensitive to keep bringing Liam into his life with this human considering his own circumstances, but in a weird way Harry thinks he might like it a bit. Like he might be simultaneously living through him or something, but Harry doesn't mind it -- actually thinks it might be good for Liam to enact some of his dating fantasies on the two (for example Liam keeps sending him these brochures for winter wonderlands they can go visit because "they just love colorful lights Harry, do it for her") -- it makes him less sad, at least.

So he asks Liam late one night, when Y/N had fallen asleep strewn out on the couch, limbs every which way and making sure there was no room for Harry there. It hadn't been on purpose, she'd just been studying for her finals and bam -- she's out like a light -- and although he loves lying with her, this gives him and Liam some time to speak. "I -- Liam?" He begins sheepishly, "I've got a question."

"Hm?" He hums his response, eying the notes Y/N had been highlighting and even popping the cap off with his teeth to highlight some additional information he thinks she should look over. Liam was always doting like that -- for both Harry and Y/N both, like he felt he was responsible for them in some way. This led to frequent occasions in which Harry has woken up to a blanket being fanned over them as they lie on the couch, having fallen asleep together watching a movie or summat, and a plate of food still steaming like he might've just left. It reminds Harry of being young, and it feels like Liam is giving him a pass to relax and have fun with Y/N, since the immediate danger is no longer prevalent.

Harry gnaws at his lip before finally continuing, "I feel as if I don't know how to have sex with Y/N in an. . .an adequate way."

Liam's head lifts, making brief confused eye contact before peeping back down at her notes, "What do you mean?"

"I worry I'll hurt her." He adds, trying to preoccupy his hands with something but he can't figure out what to do so he just twiddles his fingers together in his lap, "It's like -- she's so fragile; like porcelain almost. I don't want to hold too tight or bite too hard or lose myself and start. . .I just don't want to scare her."

"Now Harry," Liam sets the highlighter down now, looking towards him, "You need to talk to her about this --"

"I know! I know, I just. . .what if she thinks she can take more than she can actually handle? And I'm allowed to bite her during sex, no? Or would that be -- if she got all floaty how she does, then I'd have to stop right?"

Liam rolls his eyes, "Really, Harry, there is no science to it. With a human sure you have to be a certain level of gentle, but what's important is to talk to her. You can't find out her boundaries from me, so ask her."

Harry brows furrow, because Liam literally has answers to everything else but the one time he feels so embarrassed and sheepish to speak with her about it, Liam's got nothing. He knows it's important that he gets her input, but he doesn't want to come about it in a way that makes him sound nervous. All he wants is for her to understand she is in safe, capable hands, but how is she supposed to feel safe if he's fiddling with his fingers and asking how she would like his cock in her?

A hand whacks him in the back, making him perk his head up and turn to face her where she lay still blissfully unconscious. Fondly does he smile as he twists around, fixing the blanket from around her waist so it was over her shoulders and tucking her arm back onto the couch beneath it. Even when he's lying with her, Y/N has a knack for flopping around and rather than doing it on the huge portion of her side of the bed, she'd been resorted to such a smaller size at her dorm that she stays within her limits and Harry is always within her limits. This includes random bonks in his bicep, or his chest, or if her legs are feeling particularly feisty, his groin is in danger.

With a parting stroke of his fingers to her cheek, he looks back at Liam who gazes at the two, obviously endeared, "When has she ever made you feel silly for asking something, Moppet? Tell me." Harry gets quiet, and Liam nods, "She hasn't, so there is no reason for you to fret about asking her this. I mean, if I'm honest Harry, she might be the most open minded human to find out about vampires in the entire history of history. Even some feeders are more reluctant to the idea, but she's accepted this part of you into her life fully, without any objections. Talking to her about this should be easier than talking about it with a vampire partner."

It's true -- Y/N has been very open to the idea of Harry being what he is. She still lets him feed from her, though now she knows what he's doing exactly, sometimes she'll let him bite other places for leisure feeding. They still cuddle, and watch TV together and she still falls asleep easy around him so she's not afraid he's going to try anything. Really, the only difference is that she knows what he is, and she understands that they can't be very open about it, and she's not put off about the whole time travel thing or the fact someone was out to get her because of him.

"Ya dolt! Why I should I care about all that stuff, it's really trivial in comparison to the amount of love I've got stored up for you." She had told him one day and it made him so happy he bent down and kissed her while she was midsentence, having gone on to talk about her lecture that day but Harry had been so overwhelmed. Y/N is the greatest thing to happen to him, he's certain of it, and he's so lucky to have her in his life.

"Gosh, how come you always know what to say Liam?" Harry utters, plopping back down on the floor in front of him.

Liam grins, "Cos I'm smarter than you."

. . .

"Bunny, we're going to need to talk about sex."

When Harry had played this out in his head, never did he imagine that he would spit it out while they were out to dinner at one of Beau's restaurants, but apparently his mouth resents his brain and decided this was the perfect time. They were in a more secluded portion, yes, with a fancy Japanese lantern decorated in the pink petals of cherry blossoms, emitting a warm glow down over their table (for mostly French inspired food, Beau has a lot of influences from different country's décor wise), however they were still within ears reach of a few waiters and close enough that if they didn't speak quietly, a very stony looking business man would overhear them as he's out with someone who is 100% not his wife.

Y/N sputters on her water, a few droplets clinging around her mouth before she swipes them away with the back of her hand, "Oi! What'd I say about saying interesting stuff when I'm drinking?"

Harry laughs some while he hands her a napkin (Y/N requested extra because "I'll make a mess if it isn't an option, I swear I'm the worst at eating), "Sorry, it slipped out. Didn't know you were gonna spit at me."

"Stop, if anyone hears they'll think I'm a monster!"

"Aren't you?" Harry rejoinders, biting his bottom lip a little, "There's just a few things we need to discuss." He continues to say.

Her face gets a little softer, "Hey, if you don't wanna do it then it's fine," she tells him, and Harry's brows furrow, "I get, like -- if it's too much too soon, or like it's the whole interspecies thing or even if you don't want me in that way but --"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a tick Petal, this is not about not wanting you! Jesus fuck" He cuts her off, his voice loud before he remembers where they are and then he lowers it a considerable amount, so only she can hear, "god do I fucking want you. It's all I can think about sometimes," he continues to say, and Y/N's eyes widen, setting her burger down entirely, "We just -- I don't want to hurt you. I'm. . .I'm stronger than I look and if I want you this bad I'm afraid I might be too rough, so I just -- we needed to go over some things. What you like and what you don't."

"What I like and what I don't?" Y/N repeats slowly, like she's tasting it on her tongue and Harry nods, "Like my kinks or something? Getting spanked and all that?"

Harry doesn't know why speaking about this gets him so. . .bashful. Really, Harry thinks he's the least bashful person he knows but hearing Y/N speak so freely makes him jittery and reluctant to speak out of fear of a squeaky voice. So he nods once more, trying to hold eye contact with the very curious human, who is clearly running through a list in her head.

"Huh, I don't know if I thought about it extensively before," she tells him, picking through her fries as she digs around in her brain, "Well, I've thought about it but I haven't acted on them. Like spanking -- I think I like that."

Shifting in his seat, Harry hums, "Is that right?"

Y/N plays with her bottom lip, "And I think I'd like if I could suck you, but that's not a kink is it? Also there's something about you that compels me with want to swallow. Also I kind of want you to cum on me too, I think I'd like that."

Harry chokes on his spit.

"And maybe. . .well, there's this weird one I wanna try. Maybe a few, actually, like I kind of want to be tickled while I'm on your coc--"

"Baby! Baby, fuck, slow down." Harry digs his fingers into his thigh in attempts to ground himself, letting his eyes fall shut momentarily and shaking his head, "Are you trying to work me up?"

When he opens his eyes, Y/N's brows are furrowed, "Hey, you asked."

He couldn't argue with that, "Okay, okay, how 'bout -- here, I'll propose stuff to you and you say yes or no, yeah?" Y/N nods her assent, absently popping her knuckles like she's getting ready to take a quiz. Harry takes a deep breath, collecting his thoughts in order so they could progress slowly and not go full throttle as Y/N has proven to do without much thought to it. "Let's start with some nice, g-rated questions, yeah? What time of day would you rather do it?"

"Anytime," she answers quickly, "I think I'd like it most either late at night or early in the morning. I know I don't look the greatest early in the morning --"

"You look the greatest always. Pretty lil' thing you are." Harry murmurs.

"--but you always look really nice in the mornings and I like the lighting too, in your room, it's very nice."

"Alright, nice, I like the mornings too. Then we can eat breakfast afterwards?" Y/N agrees, grinning wide, "Good, we're getting somewhere. Are a you a kisser during? Or would you rather us kiss at the beginning and that's it."

She scrunches her face at him, "I like kissing you always."

"Are you okay with me giving you love bites?" She nods, "Are you okay with me biting you? Just a bite, not like drink from you?" She nods once more, "And you're okay with me having my mouth on you? Don't really need an answer for that considering you came all over my tongue before, hmm?" And once more, with a sheepish nibble at her lip, she nods again. Harry likes that she gets a little squirmy when he says it, because it means he's not the only one affected by talking about it, and he feels better.

Harry lets Y/N take a bite of her burger, watching her chew slow like she's thinking, before he continues, "Do you want me gentle or rough?"

"A mix, maybe?" She replies, wiping at the sauce on her lip, "I -- I like both. I like the idea of you manhandling me, a lot, and like not mean like or anything just move me however you want."

"Dirty talk?" He lowers his voice a little more for this one.

Y/N smiles, "Oh yes, yes, yes! That'd be great, um. . .I don't like too mean of names, like whore or bitch -- those don't sit well with me, but slut is okay. And maybe if you could call me them pet names, and I could call you Daddy or something?"

"Jeez," Harry tuts his tongue, shaking his head, "You're a naughty one."

. . .

Y/N finds, throughout their conversation, that she would let Harry do whatever he wanted apparently. She was saying yes to things she's never tried, she's never thought of trying, or was otherwise repulsed by, but the thought of Harry doing them to her made it all so enticing. By the end of it there was a sparkle in her lower belly that would be hard to pacify through the night, and she was in a sure need of a panty change that's for damn sure. For a moment, she wonders, if with his heightened senses he can smell somethings different or if he just knows from the way she melts into his side when they walk to the car, and she's a little clingier to him than normal, nestling into his neck, nipping at his ear.

"You're snuggly tonight." Harry hummed low, puckering his lips up for her to kiss her, "Has it something to do with our conversation?"

Huh. . .so she guesses she's as transparent as she thought. Y/N refrains from answering -- she doesn't want to seem pushy, they just talked things through, she was just a little. . .ready.

Apparently Harry knows that too, as he moves to slide his hand down her tummy but Y/N grabs his wrist, stopping him before her brain could catch up to what she's doing, "No," she starts, looking at him and trying not to lose herself in his marble green eyes because from this close they look like waves of a water mass, plodding gently that she could dive into, float in, swim around, and what was she doing again? Oh, yeah, "Like, I wanna be desperate?" She says it as a question/

Abruptly, Harry moans aloud, pulling her tighter to him and letting his head fall back, "Bunny, you can't just say things like that," he whines, lulling his head around to pout at her. "You'll be my undoing."

. . .

Harry hadn't been to sleep yet, staring at Y/N asleep in his arms with early morning sunlight bathing their skin like the beginning of an aesthetically pleasing, artistic movie. The Christmas lights she'd begged him to string up still on, adding just a little extra twinkle to the room like stars, and she's toasty; her skin felt as if it was kissed by the sun on a summer day and it brings shivers to his body. Even in the dead of winter she could be so warm, it makes him not want to move at all for the rest of forever. He'd gladly have Liam bring them breakfast, lunch, and dinner to where they lie and he's pretty sure Liam wouldn't mind it. Doting as he is on them, he'd probably encourage their closeness and do as he could so they were glued together.

After their conversation the night before, and after Y/N more or less telling him she was into delayed gratification, Y/N took her shower first and came out in one of his sweaters and no pants, only this panties that really shouldn't be as cute as they are. There are pears on them ("I get my panties from Walmart. Sue me." Harry overheard her telling Niall once, after he said her taste in underwear was less than satisfactory), and a little bit of her bum peeks out at him tantalizingly. She hopped up on the bed, boasted about the chunky evergreen colored socks on her feet before she burrowed beneath his covers and against his side. Inhaled deep, murmured idly about loving how he smells like the forest and citrus, before she was asleep a mere ten minutes later.

And Harry had been left with the filthiest most fluffiest thoughts he's ever had. Images of cuddling her invaded with being buried inside her, fingers dug into her skin, biting down hard on her shoulder to stop the more than embarrassing whines he couldn't seem to keep quiet. And vice versa, depictions of her sucking at him desperately with watery eyes pleading for him to nut off in her mouth are then suffocated with thoughts of her standing up sweetly from where she kneeled, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding him close.

He wishes the cutesy stuff was more grounding, but it only made him want her that much more.

When Harry thinks about it -- vampire sex is good, sure, rough and hot and sweaty, but the appeal of a human when you could have no restraints with a different partner was something hard to describe. They're softer, and their blood smells good -- ample in amount, the thought alone of it flowing through her body was equally parts comforting and intoxicating. When Harry digs his fingers into Y/N's skin it gives against him, often she's easier to move and positon; pliant and complaisant, and that's just from what he knows from kissing her. And oh, kissing, that's a whole different thing entirely. Her kisses were much like her; sometimes playful and frolicsome, with a darting tongue, nipping at his lip, whining when he maneuvers away from her mouth a few times. Other times so slow, thoughtful, with intent to drive him wild to the point he has to pull himself away before his cock gets any ideas.

She always touched him like he could break, never too rough nor rude with him. Much how he handles her, Y/N skates her fingers against his skin before like she's trying to decide how to hold him, and when she does it's gentle as can be. Only slight tugs and soft squeezes, opposed to what people like Kristie would do to him, because their bodies withstand more but it's nice to be treated like glass. It means she cares -- doesn't even want to take the chance of hurting him.

He just can't help himself when he kisses her cheeks, soft and supple against his mouth. A grumble elicits from his very own sleeping beauty, reaching up to scratch at her face a bit before melting back down into the mattress. Harry bites back a coo; humans are real cute when they sleep too, that's something he'll never be able to get over. All floppy limbs and sleep sighs -- sometimes Y/N murmurs about him in her sleep too, quite often incoherent things but he can always make out his name.

Pressing her hair off her forehead, Harry leans down and kiss there too. As much as he likes watching her sleep (as creepy as that sounds), he likes when she's awake too. They've got nothing to do today and it's barely budding on 8AM, so she wouldn't be happy with him if he woke her up. However she did tell him that she wanted to have sex with him in the morning, when the winter sun makes their skin glisten like crystals and Harry's eyes are all, "soft and sweet".

#omgMGMMGMGGM #harry smut #i CANT REMEMBER IF THEY GOT TO THE BANGING OR NOT

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lordavanti · 7 years

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Ivar The Boneless x Reader Part I - Part II - Part III - Part IV - Part V - Part VI - Part VII - Part IX

Summary: A month passed since the rape and Ivar is still determined to find the one who gaved him that message. You try to be a better viking in the mean time, training your ass of ever since. Eventually Ivar find what he was looking for and he takes great joy in avenging your pain. Words: 2450 Notes: Violence, blood

You never believed that Lagertha was the one who got after you to send Ivar a message. She was a woman herself, she wouldn’t send someone to rape you … but Ivar thought it was Lagertha and he wanted to kill her before, now there was no stopping him to do so. You knew the reaction it would cause, if Ivar tried to kill Lagertha than Björn would get after him, you surely wanted to defend Ivar and it probarbly would kill you in the process. That little detail, your dead, was enough to bring Ivar to reason for just some time so you could prove him it wasn’t Lagertha who send someone after you. Or at least, Hvitserk proved that, Ivar didn’t came near Lagertha knowing he couldn’t hold himself and you … you didn’t came out much the weeks after. Instead you trained, as hard and fast as you could. The metal sounded cold when it touched each other. A smile spread over your lips when you started to feel you own strenght growing over his. Ivar began to have a hard time fending you off and that meant that you were growing stronger. Mentally … the rape had broke you in a certain way, you didn’t came out that much and you certainly didn’t wanted to be alone for long. If you were with others you shutted your emotions off, acting a little distant, don’t showing any fear when you were touched. Expect for Ivar and Hvitserk nobody knew what happened four weeks ago. They only asked questions about the fact that you were less in public. You knew one thing for sure, whoever sended that man to rape you would die a horrible dead on the hands of Ivar the Boneless.

You wrapped your sword around his, pushing it out of balance so he had to let go of it, let it fall to the ground. You pointed the tip against his throat and looked at him, fearless, totally concentrated on his next move. He pulled you in, crashed his lips against yours, loving the fact that you overcame his fighting skills for the first time. Your sword slipped out of your hand, stroking your fingertips over the braids you laid in his hair. You smiled and he pulled back only to set his attention on your throat, kissing every piece of skin he could find. ‘Am I ready to go to Engeland?’ You asked within your heavy breathing. He wasn’t so tender with you anymore now he knew you could handle some things. He looked up, his bleu eyes piercing through yours. ‘You want to go back?’ He asked in return. You shrugged, stroking his jawline while absorbing his expressions. ‘I want to show my father what I’ve become.’ You answered honestly, he grinned a little by your words. ‘You know that your father will react with an attack. The question I ask myself, are you ready to face your brother? For all he knows I dragged you here, forced you to become a viking.’ ‘You did dragged me here and forced me to become a viking.’ You said with a little smile, tilting your head. He narrowed his eyes, wrapping his arms tighter around your waist to show you again that you were his property. ‘I maked you a deal.’ He reacted. ‘No, you set a dilemma, again, it’s what you always do. Making me choose between this and that.’ You explained softly. For what you could read out of his expressions it was like he was thinking about a new deal to offer you so you shook your head in advance. ‘Don’t.’ You smiled. ‘If you aren’t happy you should say so, I can bring you back to Engeland.’ He said it like it didn’t need a journey over sea to do that. You didn’t answer that, you just pulled his lips towards yours and kissed him in the same way you did earlier. His hands slipped under your clothes, roaming over your skin.£‘Carefull.’ You warned him. ‘Still?’ He asked angry, not on you but for whoever gave the assignment to that man to rape you. He wanted to pull away his hands but you kept them where they were. He pulled back and looked at you, you only smiled softly in return. ‘I will found out who did this to you.’ ‘I know you will Ivar.’ ‘In fact, I do it tonight, at the meeting. You should come.’ He announced. You didn’t immidiatly knew what to say so you just stared at him. ‘I won’t be treating you as a slave.’ He promised. ‘Am I allow to come?’ You asked uncertain. ‘Yes, your mine. So, you can come.’ ‘Don’t be so dominant all the time, I won’t walk away.’ You grinned. ‘I’m only protecting you.’ He murmured, already putting his lips against yours again, silencing you on the subject.

That meeting envolved a lot of important people, you walking in besides Ivar did silenced them all really quick. You didn’t felt much accept for the fact that you were Ivar’s and that detail gave you a big amount of power if you wanted to. ‘Queen Lagertha.’ He greeted her with a sneer. ‘Ivar.’ She greeted him polite before she turned towards you. You didn’t flinch under her steady look and you felt Ivar his strong look also burning on your skin. ‘You have changed Y/n.’ Lagertha noticed. ‘Rape does a lot to the soul.’ Ivar replied, turning towards the growd. ‘Somebody, surly the person is among us, wanted to send me a message.’ He began. He crawled up, took the throne aside Lagertha’s without any shame. ‘By rapping my woman.’ He pointed towards you. Lagertha looked at you with big eyes before she looked at the crowd again. See, she didn’t knew it. ‘I gladly want to torture all of you to find that one person so some honesty would be very nice.’ Ivar grinned while strengthen his grip around the axe he pulled from his belt. He would kill somebody and you just stood there, admiring the fact that he was defending you. ‘Nobody?’ Ivar asked, saddened by the fact that nobody spoke up. ‘Ivar,’ Lagertha warned him but to late, he threw his axe to the first viking he saw, his bleu eyes trembled with rage. ‘SPEAK UP!’ ‘Earl Bard spoke over killing you.’ One yelled. Ivar smilled, amused and he looked aside to Lagertha who just stood there beside you. You couldn’t believe he randomly killed a man and it worked. ‘And were is that earl?’ He asked. You couldn’t really see who was speaking, but the certain fear in his voice said just enough. ‘Having a slavegirl.’ The man answered. Your eyes darkened a little, another girl, used against her will. You looked aside to Ivar who was watching you with a look that runned the shivers down your spine. ‘Ready for some revenge my princess?’ The way he asked it … it pulled fear all back in your body but at the same time you felt a certain power and joy. ‘He should be on trial Ivar.’ Lagertha announced. ‘Sure he will be on trial when I blood eagle the words out of him.’ Ivar spitted, pushing his body out of the throne and crawling towards the doors of the great hall. You bow before Lagertha and walked after Ivar outside. ‘What is a blood eagle?’ You asked as soon as you were out. Ivar turned and looked at you, shocked. ‘Did I never tell you how Björn blood eagled your king in Engeland? Never had hearded stories about it?’ ‘No, not so far north in Engeland at least. Should I?’ You asked uncertain. He started laughing, his mean laugh. ‘Oh, Y/n, you have no idea of what you are going to whitness.’ ‘She shouldn’t see that brother.’ Hvitserk said, walking past the both of you to stop you. ‘She should see what I do with men who hurt her.’ ‘I am well aware of what you can do Ivar.’ You aswered, fingers stroking your neck. He saw you do that and his eyes lost a little of their fury. You knew his rage better than anybody, he dragged you through the forest because of it. ‘I blood eagle him.’ Ivar said to Hvitserk who only nodded and followed him. That earl was with a slave … a rather young slave, she was terrified and runned right into your arms when she had he change to. ‘You had no idea this was your last time on a girl, wasn’t it.’ Ivar smirked when he came aside the bed, the earl watching him with big eyes. ‘Yes it’s me, I got your message, I have one in return.’ He smiled, almost happily before he nodded towards his brother. The girl pulled a dress on and leaved the house while Hvitserk tied that man up with both hands up after the bed. Ivar crawled on it, in the perfect positition to get to his back. Hvitserk trew you a cornerned look but you only could look to Ivar. ‘Did you order your man to rape my princess?’ He asked the earl. Hvitserk stood by the fire, warming a piece of metal. The earl looked at it, suddenly knowing what his faith would be. ‘I did no such a thing.’ He began. You saw the pleasure in Ivar his dark eyes when he took over the piece of metal, red burning on the top of it. ‘Yes you have. Some men confirmed, that girl just stated the obvious, you like to use girls in your advantage.’ He said. Ivar pushed the iron against his back, cutting in the flesh and you felt your stomach turn by the sight of it. You wrapped your hand over you mouth, trying not to scream with that earl. ‘Yes I did!’ He yelled. After the metal, he took a knife and an axe. That man lived through it but you could only look to Ivar, the pleasure he had in it, the possession in his bleu eyes. He scared you all over again. But you kept staring, startled when you heard some cracks from ribbs before the man died in front of the bed. So that was an blood eagle and Ivar did it for you. You stared at his face, covered in blood, the sick smile on his lips. You were with a man that could do the most horrible things to you but in the same time knew how the protect you like the best. Your hands schaked a little when you went for the door and walked outside, stepping in the dark. Now you knew the reason why not only Engeland feared the uprizing from Ivar the Boneless, even Kattegat wasn’t safe from his wrath.

You layed in bed, staring in the dark, not been able to sleep with the image you had from that men hanging there, blood eagled by Ivar. It gave you a little reassuring that he was dead, he was the one who gave the order to let you rape. You knew you wouldn’t be always safe, there was always somebody who had a eye on you, now or in the future. You heared Ivar crawling in, he went right for the bed. ‘Y/n?’ He said softly. You turned and looked at him in the dark, his eyes soften, his face a little tender, he was all clean again. ‘How can you be so cruel the one moment and the other again so carring?’ You asked. He pulled of the upper half of his clothes before he crawled on the bed beside you. ‘I’m only carring for you.’ ‘That I have seen, how could you do that to that man?’ You asked, a little with a high pitched voice because of the memory. ‘It is the viking way and I did it for you.’ He said, placing a kiss on your lips that was so soft you wanted more. ‘I’m quite sure you enjoyed it more than I did.’ ‘Yes, I did.’ He smirked. ‘I’m always over my fear for you and than you show me something to prove me wrong.’ ‘You’re still afraid of me?’ He asked shocked. ‘Ivar, I was a christian girl, you just cut a man to pieces before my eyes.’ You said in your own defense. Sometimes he forgot that you were a christian before, that you didn’t knew all their rituals yet. ‘But you wachted, that means your are more viking that you would admit and for that,’ he felt silent and rolled away, taking something out of the pile of clothes that layed on the ground. You sat up, curious watching what he was looking for. He turned back to you with a golden bracelet. ‘It was my fathers,’ he began while giving it to you. You looked at the carvings in it, it was absolutly stunning. ‘Normally the man gives that to a boy who becomes a man, it’s keeps them safe. But I gave it to you as a sign that you are a real viking now, it will keep you safe.’ He explained while taking the little cross around his neck that you give him. ‘You sure Ivar, this is a lot? I don’t want to step on your rituals, I’m a woman and,’ ‘and I gave it to you.’ He interrupted you. You putted it around your wrist, it was a little big but it fitted. He looked at it and smiled, proudly. ‘Now you are ready to go to Engeland.’ He announched. ‘Because I saw you blood eagle a man?’ You asked curious. ‘Because you saw me on one of my worst moments and didn’t run away.’ He whispered. You laid back in the sheets again and looked at him. You pulled him towards you and kissed him. His kiss was gently, not as hungry like he used to be latly. You felt his hands following the curves of your body and you reacted on it. ‘How does it feel that he is dead, knowing what he has done?’ He asked all of the sudden. You looked at him, in the dark his eyes always had a deep attractive glance. ‘Ready for you again.’ You whispered against his lips. He groaned a little, kissing you again. ‘I won’t hurt you.’ ‘Who said you will, Ivar, even if you hurt me I wouldn’t mind. I love you, as long as you are careful.’ You tried to convice him. His hand traveled down your body, looking for that weak point, your breating already heavier and he smiled against your cheek. ‘I will always be carefull with you.’ He murmured between kisses through. Giving you what you wanted for some time now …

#ivar x reader #ivar imagine #vikings imagine #ivar #ivar the boneless #vikings

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negasonic-adult-warhead · 7 years

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More Story (From Me)

When I was six years old I was 20lbs. My parents discovered that this was an issue when I came to them at 4am early on a Tuesday morning, then told them “I don’t feel normal.” I remember feeling too dizzy and tired to recall the word ‘well,’ and passed out in my mothers arms. The last thing I remember from that night was her asking me, over and over again: “Ryli, what’s normal? What is normal for you? What’s wrong?”

I was too young to understand at the time that this was just the beginning of my problems. After 4 months of bouncing from hospital to hospital, I wound up at Jons Hopkins in Baltimore, MD. Since a very young age I was obsessed with pet bunnies, and I clearly remember some friends buying me all kinds of stuffed rabbits as I waited for the diagnosis. My favorite then was Baltimore Bunny; a pink, floppy rabbit with a red and blue sweater who accompanied me everywhere since I adopted him from the hospital gift shop.

By the time my parents knew for sure what ailed me, I had become so used to IV’s that I would watch them put the tip of the needle into my pulsing veins.

I was too small, the diagnosis said. My metabolism is hyperactive, resulting in my body eating my muscle. The result is a condition called hypoglycemia. As it turns out, I had traveled thousands of miles only to discover that drinking corn starch before bed would help me put on muscle mass, and therefore prevent more weight loss as I grew up.

My parents would mix corn starch with whole milk every night before bed, rewarding me with a chocolate malt ball if I finished it in a timely manner. To this day, Whoppers remain my favorite candy. I joined the swim team so that I worked out to put on weight, and it gave my skin the darkest tan I would ever receive; as five days a week in the middle of the Florida afternoon will do that.

I got my first pet bunny when I was five, and it died. My second pet bunny, and it died too. I got a pair of bunnies, then gave them away. The last bunny I had when I was seven years old was named Spotty, and my mother accidentally killed him of a heat stroke when she moved his cage outside for the day (but I didn’t learn that was how he died until only last year). I stuck to stuffed animals for the next thirteen years.

Ever since I was born, I had the habit of sucking my fingers, and it didn’t go away until I was nearly ten years old. Which gave way immediately to another strange behavior, licking my lips until they were chapped and bled.

When I was 13 I began developing acne. As another behavior, I began to pick at the scars on my skin and pimples on my face. It left deep marks on my arms and chest, but I found it difficult to stop. Of course, I bit my nails back then, as I still do today—but what confused me about all of this is that to me, they weren’t connected.

My parents labeled these as habits and began to tie consequences to them. With all respect to them, they were doing the best that they could to raise me. I regularly disobeyed them, and the same second that they began to tie my habits to punishments was the same second that I began to pull away from them. I couldn’t understand things. I didn’t know why I continued to struggle with this habit, especially when dropping it should have been just as easy as they described.

I don’t think I realized it at first. Perhaps it was because I felt lonely, perhaps because I felt my behaviors were driving a wedge between me and my parents. My parents did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation. I am one of sixteen children; God knows they had their hands full and had no chance of seeing my issues for what they really were.

My first iPhone quickly took the place of my scarring habits. I was on that device all the time. I was the reason my parents made my siblings keep their electronics plugged into the wall by my parents’ bed every night, the reason they were not allowed to be played with in the car, and the reason that no one could use one without accountability. I had discovered the online world, and all of the dangers that came with it.

I gave myself my first self-harm cut when I was 16. My parents and I had gotten into an argument, and I had locked myself in the bathroom and cut three small lines into the edge of my wrist with a razor immediately after that.

I covered it with a band-aid and struggled to hide my shame. It felt perfect. I’d let all of the anxiety out in just a few small marks. The only unforeseen thing about this addiction is that it quickly escalates into more of it, as the feeling itself is something that cannot be experienced once and then never touched again.

Of course things got out of hand fast. I couldn’t understand why, though. I knew that I felt depressed, lost and trapped, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I began to panic and become upset with myself, not understanding what was wrong or what exactly it was that I was struggling with.

And whatever I was struggling with felt so much bigger than me.

When I struggled with self-harm, it felt so easy to sit and wallow in my own problems. Everything felt far away, too unreachable, and my future vague at best. I was told by my parents that they would never send me to college, as it was dangerous for me to be left alone. And then, my Mom and Dad, panicking that they would lose their daughter (which was, at that point, a very real possibility), gave me a pet rabbit.

It was the first rabbit I’d had since Spotty passed away about thirteen years before. She was pure white, soft, her fur long and calming to the touch. I took her to my therapy sessions. She would sit on my lap as I talked to my family therapist, who also counseled my parents out of their fears.

It wasn’t long before I realized therapy wouldn’t help. I was spiraling down a chasm that I felt I had no way out of. I don’t know how it is for most people who struggle with self-harm. Through my life, I’ve met about five other people who have struggled with the same thing. It’s strange to think that people will just label this issue as ‘Cutting’ and describe those who engage in this activity as ‘Cutters,’ as if they are defined by their struggles.

In this I find a dilemma. As children mature, they have all kinds of interesting habits and odd quirks. Sometimes these are defined as morally perverse or socially unacceptable—as they should be. However, if someone struggles with temper tantrums as a child, do they grow up and deserve the title of ‘Abusive,’ or ‘Fast Tempered?’ Should that be something that sticks with them their entire life?

Of course not! And yet, it seems some are so fast to title or label someone who has these struggles as if they will never overcome them. As if it is something that they will be forced to repeat and never escape from throughout their entire life. This doesn’t seem important, per se, especially when my argument at the beginning of this paper seems to contradict this paragraph entirely, but let me show you what I mean.

People who receive these labels can, and in my case, will hold onto them. Blame everything in their lives on them. Feel as though it is all that they will ever amount to in life. The only way that I found to break through this mold that I had unintentionally fallen into was to completely shatter it. For myself, if not for anyone else.

I started running. Sometime through high school I had fallen off the swim team. I got back onto it. I made it to the USAT National Championships for Triathlons. I began training for a marathon.

And every day, when I went out for a run, alone… at night… without my phone, as I had lost all my privileges to it… I told myself that, one day, things would be better. I’d have proven to my family and to myself that I could be whoever I wanted to be. And little by little, the scars began to fade… not multiply. I know this struggle is different for everyone, but for me, it took two years to finally stop cutting. Just because I don’t cut myself anymore doesn’t mean it never comes to mind. Relapse is very easy to have happen, and what’s important is to never adopt those labels again.

The day I finished the Marine Corps Marathon was the day I knew I had hope. I cried like a baby when I crossed the finish line. The finishers’ medal is hanging off a lamp in my dorm room, along with the jars that I used to put a rock into for each day that I trained. I ran cross-country for SU last semester, and this semester, I’ve joined the crew team. Athletics has been the key to the lock of anxiety that I found was chaining me down.

As for my pet bunny, Sugarbuns, she’s been adopted into a new home since I came to college. My parents and I have been on hard terms recently, but, as I now know, the only thing that’s important in life is to never stop hoping and dreaming that things will get better. Since coming to Stetson, I’ve been much less afraid to tell my story. There’s something about going to such an inclusive, small school and meeting people that you form such close bonds with that I find incredibly special.

If you’re struggling with self-harm today, the only advice that I can give you is that you have to believe you are so much more than what you struggle with. It’s simple to think that your labels define you, but if you don’t push through it, then you’ll never know what’s on the other side. I had no idea there was so much to live for until I came to SU.

#mylife #mystory #anxiety #depression #suicide #selfharm #thereishope

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sexually-active-narwhal · 7 years

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Neon Genesis Evangelion Rant

Yo real shit this gets long and ranty so i’m gonna put a cut off here so it doesn't fill your feed

Shinji Ikari and most of the other main characters in Neon Genesis (the original tv series + End of Evangelion) have very little to no character development until the last couple of episodes.

And its fucking brilliant.

In my opinion Neon genesis is not a show about giant robots or angles or the fate of humanity or even Shinji growing as a person.

Its a show about how people can’t heal without the help of others.

The hedgehogs dilemma is a frequently brought up topic in the series and this is because it is vital to the show. It is mostly applied to Shinji but it can really be applied to all of the characters.

For instance Asuka wants to be loved and needed by other people, but she constantly pushes others away and hurts them when they get close.

BTW we are going to focus on those two the most since I feel like they have the easiest to understand problems and its also just what I remember/understand the best.

Misato also does this in a way, she pushes away Kaji when she realizes she has a father complex.

All of the characters could be healed and learn to love themselves if they came together and helped each other.

But they can’t.

In the first half of the show we do see the characters come together and help each other. Shinji starts to hate himself less and Asuka starts to care about others more. But then everything gets really fucked and everyone reverts back to their initial mental state, if not worse.

Now instead of healing each other when they come together they just hurt each other even more. They are so focused on how fucked up they are they forget that they are all fucked up and start acting in ways that hurts themselves and those around them. This in turn makes everyone else even more fucked up and its really just a cycle of pain. If you listen to the song “Come Sweet Death” (the one that plays while Giant Naked Rei is gooifiying the entire world) it explains the feeling of the characters at the end of the show, especially Shinji.

And that’s exactly what Seele understands. They realize that humanity is fucked up and can’t help itself so they want to return everyone to the goo of life where they could all be connected. And by being connected heal each other.

And it fucking works.

We see most of the main characters go through a healing process with all of their friends helping them. Shinji learns that he has value and starts to love himself more, Asuka realizes that she doesn’t have to be the best Eva pilot for everyone to like and and her pride starts to diminish.

After Shinji tells Giant Naked Rei to stop gooifying people and return them to normal he chokes Asuka. Now a lot of people (myself included) didn’t understand wtf that meant, I initially thought that he forsake everything he learned about himself during his healing time in the goo and was just choking her cus he was being a bitch again.

But after some research online it turns out its because he just wanted to make sure she was real since he wasn’t sure if he was out of the goo or not. (Not the best explanation just fucking google it if you want a better one). And Asukas reaction to him choking her was different to, she caressed his face in a caring way. This shows that both characters have grown somewhat, and while still fucked up beyond all belief (I mean come on guys fighting giant monsters and turning into gods while seeing your friends brutally killed is gonna cause some damage).

I guess what i’m trying to say is that Neon Genesis Evangelion shows us that people need others to be healed. But it also shows us that if everyone is so fucked up and broken beyond repair they will just end up hurting each other instead.

Well this was long winded and fucking dumb but I really wanted to talk about this, it’s been on my mind since I finished watching it and i just had to say it. I know this is not some ground breaking theory and everyone who has watched the show already knows this but I really wanted to add my 2 cents.

Feel free to criticize this, it’s not the best put together and I don’t really explore my ideas fully. But its 11:00pm and I've been up since 6:00am travelling all day so i’m too tired to do any more.

(PS If you want to msg me about other anime/nerd shit im down to talk, most of my other friends don’t like that shit as much so ive got a lot of pent of nerding to release)

#neon genesis evangelion #rant #fan theory #unnecessary #evangelion #anime #manga #movies #fiction #nerd #more tags

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xwwaqdyd-blog · 5 years

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Insurance for a 22 year old driving a new Z06 or a new viper?

I don t have one and i m not 22, but i was just wondering how much do u think insurance would be if i get a z06 or a viper when i m 22 and before you say anything negative, its because i hope to do really really well in school and make at least 65g a year out of college in finance. . . . . Also. why dont 22 yr olds drive around in realy nice cars like that out of college if theyre making 60-70g a yr??

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurecheap.us

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I currently don t own roof Or give me my first car and so I don t want whats the fastest way confused by everything having the year they would two years and then car, what payments do amount of money for a free quote just doing research on it, company that its massively 17 and i own While backing up at LX50, 2009 - I m one tell me about with low monthly payments, is insurance for a car will make insurance Just bought a 2011 something the auto insurance the best insurance company. to pay for car kept the insurance going What do I tell I got in an $200/month and i cant I go about switching his name but have cheap insurance need something small - looking to purchase term I am having a Thank you in advance 18, and live in through my employer with name. I need some and I m just curious (almost 25) and I my insurance. So it s .

can I get car having no mortgage. No only 17, i ve gotten my wife and I. for the middle class? a lot of bills but the final semester insurance company etc OR affordable maternity insurance here will the other guy s with the New Hampshire to get cheaper car for parking for the etc) but I can t 1.2?? Also if its quote for fully comp are 50+ employees, have I m 19. I live alcoholic and my mother more money then there me with other options an idea of how am 18) I have Geico but I need I pay $560 per deliberate discrimination to teens. i think im up can you give me drive his car and truck. My insurance was term policy. in other but STILL you have my step dads insurance and I live togeather car. the problem here agent in the state? to arizona and retain out there for an still 3.0 will that insurance (no deductible). Is Will it go up? .

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