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legitalicat · 3 months

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Out of Time

Chapter 5 - "Oh Brother, I've Returned"

an: While it does not fit this chapter entirely, I listened to "Brother" by Madds Buckley a lot during this chapter. As an older sister who moved out when my younger sibling was under 10, I feel the guilt of being gone while your siblings grow up without you. I highly recommend that song.

If you love this header go check out zaldritzosrose for more amazing work! She is tagged on the series masterlist and on my welcome post!

Find the series Master list here!

Summary: "It is not a ridiculous notion to fear what we do not know. Yet you cannot let your fears keep you from them."

TW: Anxiety, profanity, angst, dead daddy issues, literal bone crushing hugs, substance use, fear of addiction, detailed descriptions of Viserys I death, descriptions of severe pain, Vizzy is not a good parent, Aemond and Jace making a scene at dinner AGAIN, very large and physically intimidating men, Jaehaerys being very much a brother, Joffrey and Luke being little shithead brothers,

Romantic Pairings: Very brief focus on Aemond Targaryen x Velaryon!Reader, Very brief focus on Jacaerys Velaryon x Twin!Reader, Aegon Targaryen ii x Velaryon!Reader.

Other characters shining in this chapter: Ser Erryk, Jaehaera Targaryen, Lucerys Velaryon, Joffrey Velaryon, Aegon iii, Viserys Targaryen ii, Rhaenyra Targaryen, Alicent Hightower

Word count: 6.6k (oops)

The fuzzy feelings disappeared by late afternoon. A bright side was that I was absolutely starving when dinner time came. When I stood from my bed, I found I still had no pain. It was great to be able to walk across the room in less than five minutes.

I met Ser Erryk just outside my room. He greeted me as he always did, cheerful and just seemingly grateful. He spoke to me of the apparent menu for the night. We were to have braised goose with roasted chestnuts and cabbage.

“You like goose?” I asked him as we walked.

“I do, princess. It is greasy, so unappealing to some. I believe your mother is among them,” he said, smiling at me.

“It was a joke of sorts, between her and my father. A discussion they had before they were married. She likes to have it every so often as a way to remember him,” I told him.

It was true enough. The reason why Ser Laenor was who claimed us was apparent to me when I thought of him. He was never without the company of a male companion. When we first went to Dragonstone, he brought a young knight. Joffrey is named after a knight he knew in his youth, whose death devastated him in unimaginable ways. He loved them both deeply and in a way he could never love Mother.

It was known to her before they married, so when she spoke to him of the marriage, she assured him it would not impose on his life. She equated it to taste, saying like her, he preferred roast duck to goose. There was nothing wrong with that. Some people just like things and that was that.

After his death, I found Mother would request goose for our dinner. When I pointed out that he had never picked it out himself, she told me that was the point. The goose was meant to represent their effort in marriage, and for her it was a way to honor him. She had so much love for him, and he for her, even if it was not the type of love she shared with my blood father or even Daemon.

I truly believe they were soulmates. Most believed that soulmates were romantic, that it always ended with love and sex and all those things that made people gooey inside. There was not a person alive, though, that could convince me Mother and Laenor did not belong together in life even though they were not in love. You cannot have a best friend like that and tell me that the gods did not design you for that person.

Often I think how there was nobody better than Laenor to have been with her. Yes, my father and her loved one another in a way most wouldn’t understand. Yes, Daemon seems an equal match for her now. And yes, Laenor had loved his male companions the way he perhaps should’ve loved the one he married. But they understood each other on a fundamental level. They never begrudged one another, never showed anything to us that wasn’t pure love and respect for not only us but one another. Even if it were not romantic love, they were made to love each other.

“Ser Laenor was a good man. I think he would be proud of who you are,” he told me. “I truly believe that.”

Sometimes I didn’t know how to feel about Ser Laenor. He was not my blood. His opinions on me truly held no bearing in the grand scheme of things, as he was never who I had to impress. My inheritance would’ve never come from him.

But anytime I heard he would be proud of me, I wanted to beg for more. Blood or not he was my father. He was the man who claimed me. He loved me. How could I not want him to be proud of me?

“Thank you, Ser Erryk. I appreciate it,” I whispered, trying to not let my voice crack under the emotion.

We continued walking along without speaking any further. I could hear music and laughter as we approached the Small Hall. Don’t let the name fool you, though. Located in the Tower of the Hand, it had to be smaller than the Great Hall where the Throne sat, but this hall still held over two hundred people if so desired. With a family so large, it made sense to have our dinners here.

Erryk went to open the door but I reached out my hand to grab his before he could. The sounds of the ones I love being happy on the other side of this door terrified me. We were all mostly happy that night, the night I disappeared. At least we were for a moment in time.

My finger tips went numb and my bottom lip was trembling. It had been hard enough just being alone with those I’ve had time with already. But to see all of them, all at once, felt like it was an impossible task.

I had yet to speak to any of my brothers other than Jace. Trying to face the very distinct possibility of Little Aegon and Viserys disliking me felt like my stomach was being tied in knots. Joffrey was fourteen now, what if he didn’t like me either? Or if Luke was angry with me, somehow blaming me for being gone, I don’t think I could take it.

So much time had been lost. I was newly eighteen when I disappeared, now Jace and I were fast approaching twenty four. Aemond had been nineteen, Helaena twenty, Aegon twenty two, and Luke just fifteen. We all had so much time together. But Joffrey had only been nine, Little Aegon four, and Viserys only two. I had missed such a grand portion of their lives, even more when thinking of the year I was in King’s Landing beforehand, I didn’t think I could fit.

“We can go back if you wish,” Erryk said quietly to me. “I will make some excuse as to why you remain in your rooms. They needn’t know.”

“What kind of person is scared of their family for no reason?” I whispered to him, looking at him as a tear slowly rolled down my cheek.

It would maybe make sense if they had been terrible to me. But even the worst among them treated me as though I was golden. Alicent, who had undoubtedly been abhorrent to Mother and my brothers to the point she demanded all of us be brought to her when Mother was fresh from her labors, had loved me. I could distinctly remember sitting on her lap as a small child while my grandsire told Jace and I about the Kingdoms the would one day be ours.

“The first time Arryk and I went home after we were appointed to the Kingsguard, I was certain our parents would shut the door in our face,” he told me. “How could they not? I mean we were the only two heirs to our house and we both took an oath that forbade us from having lands, having a wife, having children. We effectively ended our house with us. But all our parents cared about was that we were happy and safe. It is not a ridiculous notion to fear what we do not know. Yet you cannot let your fears keep you from them.”

I could not look him in the eye. Part of me was so ashamed to feel as scared that I did. To me, it was a ridiculous notion. I’m the blood of the dragon, how could I fear anything?

He put his other hand over top mine, that still held onto him like my life depended on it. That was what let me meet his gaze. He truly looked at me with nothing but kindness in his eyes.

“When you were a girl, it is not that you were fearless. It is that you have always loved so fiercely your own fears did not stop you. When you sabotaged the soil stores so that the garden bugs would not die, you faced your mother, Queen Alicent, and your grandsire with tears in your eyes. You were scared of being in trouble, of having done something wrong. Even so, you held Helaena’s hand and explained why you did it. The night of Aemond’s injury, you were scared to anger everyone in explaining what happened. Yet, what mattered to you was the truth and so you told the truth,” he explained to me. “I offer again that I can take you back to your room and I will tell them you were not feeling well.”

The faith he had in the person I am felt comforting. At least there was one person who knew truly who I am. He had no reason to make me fit a certain mold. It was not like with Aemond or Jace in which he needed me to be this perfect representation of a person. He did not need me to understand the darkest parts of him like Aegon did. It was truly like he was a friend.

“Do not stray far from me,” I said quietly to him.

Releasing his hand, I stood straight and readied myself. He opened the door and stood to the side.

When I stepped into the room, for a moment nobody really noticed me and I just got to watch. Viserys, Little Aegon, and Maelor were all running around the room in a game. Mother and Alicent were speaking to one another, smiling. Jaehaerys and Jaehaera were animatedly discussing something with Aemond and Helaena. Luke, Jace, and Aegon were all hunched over the table as they laughed about something. Joffrey was in the corner of the room sneaking a little cake.

They were all so happy. Was this truly what it was like all the time now? Had the wounds of the past been so forgotten we could live like this?

Surprisingly, the first to notice me was Jaehaera. She very obviously lit up upon seeing me and got up from her chair near immediately. Wasting no time, she went to the empty chair in between Mother and Alicent and grabbed a bouquet of flowers that had sat in it. It was then others took notice of her movements and all their eyes shifted from her to me.

When I began feeling the fear bubbling up inside me again and my fingertips once again felt numb, I just focused on Jaehaera. This little girl who was so happy when she noticed me, a little girl I adored so much, was now running to me with these flowers in her hand. They were a pretty assortment, consisting peonies, tulips, and lilies.

“Mumma says you like flowers so I picked the prettiest ones,” she said happily when she stopped in front of me. She very proudly held out her bouquet so that I could admire her work.

I smiled softly at Jaehaera as tears welled up in my eyes. “They are lovely, thank you little one,” I said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. Carefully I took the bouquet from her and held it in my hands.

They were not flawless flowers. One of the peonies had not fully bloomed while another had already begun to lose its petals. The lilies had been slightly crushed against the weight of the other flowers. I noticed the tulips had little teeny insects crawling around on them, which Helaena and her children no doubt saw as an added benefit, and as such there were teeny holes in some of the petals. But there was not enough gold in the world that could convince me to rid myself of this bouquet. Despite the flaws, I could not think of it as anything less than perfect. Erryk took them in his own hand before he arranged for a serving girl to take them to my room and put them in water.

She took my hand in hers and began pulling me along to the table. Even in her excitement, she also seemed to be careful with me like everyone else had been.

“Do you want to sit next to me??” Jaehaerys said loudly when I was in arms reach of the table. It caused Jaehaera to stop her path, therefore stopping me.

“Inside voice, bubba,” Jaehaera said softly to him before looking at me. “Excuse him. He forgets we all have ears.”

“That’s okay, Luke was like that too when he was little,” I said to her. It caused them both to grin from ear to ear.

“Did you hear that Jae Jae? I’m like Luke,” he said, noticeably quieter this time, but just as excitedly.

“I am just glad someone else knows about brothers,” Jaehaera said with a giggle.

“I would like to point out that I had no choice but to be loud to make sure I was heard over Jace’s big mouth,” Luke said as he stood from his seat.

When Luke stood I realized he was taller than me. Not near as tall as Aegon, but a noticeable few inches. It caused a great stirring of emotions in my chest. I had anticipated my brothers growing taller than me, in fact it surprised me that Jace was only my height and not taller. Yet, not being here to notice it happening caused an ache.

Especially with Luke. He was only three years younger than me, so I did not remember his birth or his little years quite like I remembered Joffrey’s, Little Aegon’s, or Viserys’. That didn’t keep me from remembering bits and pieces, though. Like, I used to help Mother pick out the clothes he wore as a baby as though he was a doll. I snuck out of bed one night when he was a newborn so that I could sleep next to his cradle. I could remember the first time he got sick and, instead of going to Mother and Laenor, he crawled into bed between Jace and I and leaked snot all over my chest.

The bad parts, the good parts, all of it was not something I would trade for the world. Despite having more conscious thoughts when the younger three were babies, Luke was my baby. To me there was nobody better. He was as good and pure as a person could get. If Mother thought I was the best parts of both my fathers, Luke was the best parts of me. He was every good thing in this world rolled into the sweetest package.

“Now you can’t hold sweets over my head and keep me from getting them,” he said playfully.

“No, but I can still sit on your head until you cry,” I responded. My own ear to ear grin spread across my face. I did not care that it hurt my lip as the skin stretched. Luke was worth it.

“I cried one time! You were crushing my ear!” he defended adamantly.

“I maintain to this day that you should not have taken my book,” I told him with a shrug.

“Hadn’t he already handed it back to you when you sat on him?” Jace asked me.

“I don’t recall asking for your input, Jace,” I said quickly causing Luke to laugh.

Luke was truly a man now. His laugh was deeper, as was his voice. He was twenty now and by no means could he be confused as a child.

He wrapped his arms around me in a near bone crushing hug. Even with the pain shooting through my ribs, I could not ask him to ease up. The world felt right the moment he hugged me. Like the years had not passed without me.

I noticed he smelled like the sea. Salt water and open sky, with just a trace of the smell of the wood the ships were made of. If I had to guess, he spent a lot of time in Driftmark now, preparing himself for when Grandsire Corlys was no longer able to hold the Driftwood Throne. When he was little and we suffered the loss of both Ser Harwin and our Aunt Laena, he feared becoming Lord of Driftmark as he knew the death that would precede that moment. If he had been able to move past that fear, I was grateful.

“Are you a sailor now?” I asked as I pulled back from him.

“Only sometimes. Grandsire has spent two years teaching me how to,” he answered. He had a shy, goofy little smile on his face.

“And I would imagine he regales you with stories of the Velaryon blood ruling the seas every moment of it,” I joked.

“Would he be him if he weren’t the proudest man alive?” he asked.

My three Velaryon brothers and Mother all chuckled at that. Genuinely speaking I could not think of a prouder man alive. Our grandfather had held House Velaryon miles above any house, including Targaryens. I think it was because the Targaryens were dragonlords making him think we were handed power, whereas Velaryons seemed to build everything themselves. There was a pride to be held in that, of course. But Westeros was not conquered by shipmasters, now was it?

With this laughter, I took a moment to look around, turning around the room, and settling to look at Joffrey. Fourteen certainly was not the age of a man but compared to the nine year old I left behind he might as well have been. My little Joffrey, whose birth was the first I truly remember, making the three of us older ones so excited. We were downright annoying when it came to him.

Jace had decided we needed to pick the egg for him ourselves. Without uttering a word to anyone, we snuck away from the dragonkeeper charged in teaching us our lesson that day and delved far into the Dragonpit. Luke excitedly picked the egg from one of Syrax’s clutches. As the three of us had been given one, with only mine not hatching, we had to give the baby an egg that came from Mother’s dragon. Our father found us as we were trying to carry the red hot cauldron to the Keep. With his help, and the enlisted help of a few keepers, we awaited the arrival of the baby eagerly.

We took turns stoking the flames underneath it to keep it warm while we waited for Mother. And when she returned, followed closely by Laenor with the baby boy in hand, Luke and Jace both desperately wanted to get close to him. Laenor and father had to practically bat them away so that our baby brother could meet our father.

For myself, I can only remember looking at my perfect family. While in that moment I had not been told the truth of my birth, I knew. It was not so much a moment of realization that none of my brothers or I looked like Laenor, instead favoring Mother’s sworn shield. It was not even hearing the rumors and embodying them as a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. No, all it took was me seeing how Laenor yielded in that moment to Harwin and seeing the way this mountain of a man became so soft when gazing upon Joffrey for me to know. He was a man who was granted love in undeniable ways and he was a part of our family.

Joffrey looked the most like our father. The four of us all had his hair color and his complexion, of course. Jace and I got his eyes, according to Mother, and I could agree. The colors were the same on all four of us, yet we got the shape. I could see on Jace the little crinkles in the corners that our father had. Luke had his smile to the point that when our father died, I desperately worked to make Luke smile for days so that I could feel the embrace of the man who created me. Yet Joffrey had it all. His eyes, his nose, his smile, even the height and bulk of him. There were traces of Mother, like in the angles of his jawline or the placement of his cheekbones. But one could be forgiven if they thought Harwin Strong walked the halls of the Red Keep again when seeing Joffrey.

How cruelly ironic. The one who only got a few meetings with our father was the one who looked to be a trueborn Strong and not the dirty little secret I always felt like. The one who would never know our father or Laenor and the way they both loved us, who was robbed of the perfect family I loved so much, was everything I begged to be. A perfect embodiment of the father I prayed returned to me sat before me in the form of the last of his children.

“Joffrey, I believe Y/N would appreciate if you could come closer,” Aemond’s voice said from somewhere out of my view. I believed he may be behind me, with Jaehaera on my left and Luke still to my right. I could not be bothered to check.

Joffrey nodded and placed the sweet down on a nearby table before walking closer to me. He wiped his hands against his pants, highlighting to me that he was wearing Targaryen colors of black and not Velaryon ones. I could see the crumbs fall to the floor as he walked. It was almost enough to make me laugh.

“Have you been so short your entire life?” he asked when he stood in front of me. He was taller than Aemond even, wider around the middle, broader along the shoulders than Jace. It was terrifying when one realized most of that was probably muscle, and most likely he had more growing to do.

“I would like to point out I am perfectly normal height,” I said, huffing a bit. “You are just tall.”

“To you. To me, you are short. Perspective, sissy,” he said.

My heart caught in my throat. It wasn’t that I had anticipated him to forget me or all the time I had spent teaching him of the world. But hearing him call me sissy and confirming that I still had a place in his heart made my own ache in unexpected ways.

Wrapping my arms around his middle, I pulled him into a tight hug. It was a hug he returned eagerly, holding me as tight as I held him. Just as with Luke, I couldn’t be bothered to care about any of the pain coursing through my body.

Luke and Joffrey had so much of me in them. Luke was my baby and Joffrey was my sidekick. Where one clung to me the other did just the same. For the longest time you could not find me without them. I did everything for them to ensure their lives. Luke and I spent hours just standing on the deck of our ship so that I could help him overcome his fear of the sea. I was the one who taught Joffrey to read, and then taught him as much as I could of politics and history. Both of them spent so much time with me in the gardens of Dragonstone as I tended to the flowers.

When I finally convinced myself that I could let go without him disappearing, I pulled away from his hold. Concern drew itself onto his face. If the empty yet extraordinarily heavy feeling in my head and the fire spreading through my chest had caused me to look as I felt in this moment, I would imagine I’d look much the same as he did. In truth I could not care to look at everyone else. Leaning forward to lean against Joffrey, I tried to steady my breathing.

“Let’s sit you down,” Luke whispered from behind me. I can only assume I nodded as he and Joffrey both supported me to sit me in the chair between Alicent and Mother. The last note of music that filled the room just moments ago echoed from every wall before the room fell into silence.

“Y/N, you mustn’t overdo it, sweet girl,” Mother said quietly, pressing a cooled rag to my head.

“I couldn’t tell them to stop, mama. My babies still love me,” I whispered to her, gripping her wrist to still her hand. The suddenness of my movement caused me a blinding flash of burning pain.

“Perhaps we should order some milk of the poppy,” Alicent suggested, looking between Mother and me.

“No, no,” I begged her, tears springing to my eyes.

Let me be clear and say I understand the benefits of the medicine. It is extremely effective in easing pain and in large enough quantities, could incapacitate an entire Dothraki horde. Though I dare anyone to watch their grandfather wither to be but a living, skin covered skeleton and he can’t even acknowledge his breathing because he is so addled by the shit.

I am not stupid enough to think back on his life and legacy and think him a good King nor even a good father. But I do know, factually know, that he was a man who loved his family dearly. A man who was taken advantage of in his deepest grief and never fixed the mistakes made in those times. A man who deserved more than to die so slowly while his brain, his very capable and beautiful brain, wasted away because of the only treatment for his pain.

When you watch a man go from being able to tell you about the Kingdom he loves, that one day you will rule, to not even being able to remember your existence, it changes things. When you watch him become so frail and thin that being turned the wrong way breaks his bones, yet remain so puffy under the eye and in his fingertips because of the poison, you may refuse it too. His younger children may not have cared, of that I will not speak on. But I cared, and it terrified me.

Would he have been in so much pain constantly if he hadn’t taken it so regularly? What if he was being treated for an ailment that was caused by milk of the poppy? And if that was true, how much would it take before I could not exist without it?

“Y/N, you cannot live in this pain,” Mother said to me.

“I cannot live like that,” I corrected her.

“Your grandsire was very sick for a long time, you will heal in mere weeks. But you cannot heal if you live in this pain,” Alicent said. Her voice was just as quiet and soothing as Mother’s as she petted my hair.

Very slowly, I adjusted my body in my chair to look to Aegon. He was watching me with silent tears in his eyes. But when our wet gazes locked together he understood what I needed. He did not need anything else from me. He understood my pain as I did his.

After pushing himself to a stand from his seat, he wasted no time in getting to my side. All the while he was reaching in his sleeve to pull out the pouch with the biscuits. Within a moment he was by my side, kneeling to be able to look up at my face.

“Stars?” he asked me. It took me less than half a breath to know he was asking how severe my pain, if it was enough to make me see stars. He knew it went beyond feeling knives in my body but he could not tell further.

“Lightning,” I muttered to him.

He had once theorized the lightning that extended from the sky during the worst of storms would be the most painful thing to be hit by. It was on a late night adventure, one that quickly turned into a two day adventure, that he had dragged me on not long before I had Vhaela. We mounted Sunfyre together and flew to Harrenhal. Quick enough flying on Sunfyre, though it took nearly all night. When we had arrived, a storm had come overhead, and we watched as lightning struck the large castle no less than three times. The stone was surprisingly mostly unscathed, save for the burn marks permanently etched on its side. When we spoke of a human withstanding just one strike, he said you’d nearly die from the pain alone.

It was how I knew he would understand. This was not the pain I experienced falling from my bed when I was six. This was a burning, pulsating pain that caused me to lose parts of my sight. A pain so severe I could not breathe properly.

He helped me eat a significant bit more than what I had earlier. Mainly because every time I moved myself I was hit with another flash of pain. It was just easier to allow his help.

“The larger portion may not quicken the effects but it will help manage your pain better,” he said quietly to me. “Tell me what I can do in the meanwhile.”

“Stay right here and have everyone return to their joy,” I whispered to him as I took his hand. “At the least I wish to see everyone smile.”

He nodded softly and looked to Alicent. Within a few minutes, the music started back up and not long after that the chatter started up again. I would have to be oblivious to not notice the worried looks Mother and Alicent still gave me. Though those looks were nothing compared to the way Aemond and Jace were glaring at Aegon.

Genuinely speaking, it was a lot like watching children. It was as though Aemond and Jace had never once considered that anyone else would want to play their game. They only considered each other and knew what to expect from them. But now they viewed Aegon as a competitor.

Was Aegon a competitor? Sure he had said earlier how he loved me, that I was the only woman he loved. But he did not put his hand forward. He did not express a desire to be with me despite the love he held for me. I could no more count him as a contender for my heart as I could Ser Erryk.

Where Aemond and Jace looked on at him in anger, Aegon paid no mind. His eyes were focused solely on me. And every time I met his gaze, I gave him a small squeeze in the hand.

Six songs passed before I felt any relief. At first it wasn’t noticed until I could take a full breath. It was when I turned my head to watch as the food was brought in that it became clear that I could now manage. It seemed it became clear to Aegon, too, as he left my side and took his place back across from Luke.

Luke, Jace, and Aegon took the seats on the end of the table nearest the windows. Luke and Aegon on the very end, Jace beside Aegon. Joffrey took a spot next to Luke. Then beside Joffrey sat Aemond, and beside Jace there was Helaena. Next to Aemond was Alicent, with Jaehaera across from her. Then you had me and I was sat across from Jaehaerys. To my right was Mother, and across from her sat Maelor. There was two empty seats on Mother’s other side, and across from them was Little Aegon and Viserys. Then a singular chair that looked down the whole of the table sat on the very end, also empty, and that was closest to the kitchen.

Alicent lead us all in prayer. Truthfully, I probably should’ve paid more mind to the words she was saying. It mattered a lot to her, Helaena, and even Aemond. Yet, when I looked down the table and saw Aegon watching my every move, every thought from my head left. So instead, I looked directly at my plate.

The juices that flowed from the goose glistened in the candlelight that danced against every surface in stunning opposition to how the dark gravy absorbed light. The cabbage and roasted chestnuts sat to the side of it, looking decently appealing on their own. There was a basket of bread placed down for every four people. All of the adults, save Aegon and I, had a large cup of wine sitting in front of them. If Aegon and the children had the same as me, we all had water. Once Alicent was done saying her prayers, the only sound to be heard was all of us eating our food.

It was delicious. Though it was not a surprise to me, as the cooks here in King’s Landing had always been phenomenal. Maybe it was the fuzziness in my head that made it more apparent. Yet, it seemed more complex than normal. The meat was almost sweeter, the gravy with a level of saltiness that counteracted it perfectly. The chestnuts were almost like velvet in my mouth, creating a feeling akin to butter. Even cabbage, that I normally did not like, was something I would pick again and again.

“Did you try to come back?” A small voice asked. I looked up, only to see Viserys staring at me.

“Viserys,” Mother said firmly. It was her warning tone. Perhaps she did not think it proper for him to question me.

“I can’t remember,” I said quietly. “But I cannot imagine a reality in which I did not fight to return back to you all.”

“Is that why you are all beat up?” Little Aegon asked me.

“Aegon,” Mother said with the same firmness. I reached to take her hand in mine and gave it a small squeeze. She needed to understand that they were allowed to ask me, I could not fault them for being confused.

“Possibly. But I do not remember,” I told him.

“Do you remember anything?” they both asked at the same time.

“Not from when I was gone, no,” I whispered. “But I remember before I was gone. I remember loving the two of you so much. I am sorry I disappeared, and I am sorry that you both grew up without me.”

All of that was mostly true. I hated my disappearance, as it did take me away from everyone I loved. Yet to say I do not remember anything from the time I was gone may not be true.

In my thoughts, I could wade through the fog that the biscuit causes. Only in this feeling did I get any information from my brain. When I tried desperately to remember the last five years, there were only two things that my mind could conjure up. A glowing vial of shimmering red fire that I am near certain was a potion swirled in and out of my mind’s eye. And there was a distinct feeling loneliness, of knowing that where I existed was not where I belonged.

The shade of red of the potion was eerily familiar. While equating it to fire would be the right way to imagine the way that the liquid flowed, it was poor in grasping the color. One could tell me that someone was able to melt rubies into this vial and I would believe them. That was the only physical thing that was colored correctly.

Until I could explain more or had more answers, I would not say anything. With how desperate Mother and Aemond were for vengeance, giving them half answers could cause more damage that it would repair. It was not worth it.

“Do you want to come to our dragon lessons tomorrow?” Little Aegon asked.

Unable to verbalize my answer, I nodded. Spending time with my two littlest brothers felt like exactly what I needed. They may not be quite sure about me at all, but they were willing to give me a chance. I suppose that is all I could ask for.

The sound of a chair scraping against the stone floor brought my attention to the left side of the table. Aemond stood with his cup raised. My jaw tightened. The last time he gave a toast, he managed to call my brothers bastards while ignoring that it meant I too was a bastard. It caused a fight to break out, with Jace punching Aemond and Aegon slamming Luke into the table. I was not wanting a repeat and I doubt anyone else did.

“A toast,” Aemond said. “To the return of Ali. The Keep had truly existed in a darkness without you.”

A heat rose to my cheeks with his words. It was tame, I suppose, with what he could say. Although, I do wish he would just have not brought any further attention to me. I don’t think I would be able to say anything to him though.

“I wish to take this moment to make it clear,” he said. As always there was a confidence he held that I couldn’t shake. “Byka zaldrīzes, no longer do I wish to hide my affections. It is here and now that I am declaring my intention to marry you.”

My heart started skipping beats. While he had said it aloud to me, he had not voiced it to anyone else. And it wasn’t entirely like it was a secret, as he had always been rather obvious. With this declaration there was no longer a doubt about where I stood with him.

Jace stood up quickly, slamming his hands on the table as he did so. “She is my twin, Aemond, my betrothed. You do not get to decide such a thing,” he said angrily.

Aegon grabbed Jace’s shoulder and pulled him back into a sitting position. I was aware of Aemond smirking as he watched Jace. Leave it to him to make this a little game, a game which he is certain he will win.

“It is not your decision, either,” Aegon told him as though he were spitting poison at him. My jaw dropped slightly. It was not usual that I saw him actually angry.

“And you think you get any say?” Aemond asked his older brother.

“I think the two of you are so focused on this pissing contest that’s been going on since we were children you fail to realize that she is hurt,” Aegon shouted, standing up. Despite being shorter than Aemond and not as broad as Jace, he somehow made himself look larger. He made himself an unmoving force.

“I better than anyone know that she is hurt,” Aemond said darkly, to which Jace voiced the same sentiment.

“Are you both so truly lost in your desires that you are ignoring the anguish she is in? She caused herself so much pain she was barely conscious just so she could feel as though she still has a place! Do not pretend this is about anyone other than the two of you,” Aegon shouted.

“And what of you? What is your plan, dear brother?” Aemond asked, moving himself to appear larger.

The difference between them in this moment was fascinating. Aemond wanted to prove his dominance. He felt he had some claim to me just because of the love he and I share. With Aegon, though, it was because he wanted to prove nothing more than he was capable of protecting me.

Aegon turned to look at me. I could see him ease up almost immediately. It was like just the sight of me was enough to calm him.

“I am here however you choose to have me,” he said softly, addressing me directly.

#dividers by benkeibear #aegon targaryen ii #out of time #jacaerys velaryon #aemond targaryen #tom glynn carney #hotd #aegon targaryen ii x reader #aemond targaryen x reader #ewan mitchell #jacaerys velaryon x reader #house of the dragon

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laugtherhyena · 4 months

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Dagger fam!! I've been wanting to settle on designs for her mom and brother for ages and hey what a better way to do that than in this editing spree I've been having recently

Stella was originally one of Dahlia's bunny girls, proficient in everything firearms related and dedicated to her position in assisting Dahlia in her missions. This all changed when she met one of the men who worked more directly under Lorenzo's influence in the Medici mafia, overtime she eventually became his lover and was given a position as a secretary for higher up members of the mafia, effectively abandoning her post as one of Dahlia's helpers. (Which upset her, but she choose to not do anything about it for the meantime, just generally disappointed in how one of her bunnies turned out)

There's a lot I've put on the image already but here's a more in-depth run of the events for those curious.

It's from this relationship that Stella had her first child, Matteo, who she decided to raise on her own after realizing that her lover didn't take their relationship as serious as she did and most likely wasn't going to divorce his other family to be with her. Besides, Stella was well aware of all the dirth the Medici's are involved with, she wanted to spare her children of going down the same path as her.

He was a sweet boy, with a love for animals and a desire to help those in need, which led to him becoming a medic and later joininythe Feral recuers. Matteo loved his mother and knew she loved and was very proud of him, even if Stella wasn't the best at showing it.

When Stella became pregnant again, from a different, less serious relationship than her last, Matteo was overjoyed about having a little siblings and swore he would do everything to protect her. He was Alessia's role model and favorite person during her early childhood, picking her up from school and spending a lot of time together playing or watching their favorite programs.

When the Grand war started, Matteo and his crew left to help the people from No man's land. Aside from working as a doctor, he also served as a caretaker for the kids they saved there, since he was used to taking care of his sister back home. He helped many people during the 3 years he worked there before sadly passing away after being crushed by debris of a falling building.

His mother was devasted. Alessia was a little too young to fully comprehend what happened, especially with how messy everything became in the following months after Matteo's death.

The ongoing grief made her performance at work worsen more and more each day, especially with how inconsiderate the others around her workspace were of her. She earned less and began to struggle financially, she woule shut herself off in her room a lot, leaving Alessia to be alone most of the time now.

One night, Stella left to talk with Lorenzo, she begged for him to think about her situation and lend her some extra money, growing more desperate as he refused. In a spur of the moment , she threatened to tell the authorities and the Renoir family of everything she knew the Medici was hiding behind closed doors, Lorenzo didn't take that well at all.

She begged for mercy, swore she would do anything and everything the Medici ordered her to if she was spared.

The next day Alessia woke up to an empty house, she waited and waited but her mother never returned. She was startled when two strange men entered the house and went after her, one wore a purple suit and the other had a brown hat and a big beard. She ran away from them and into the busy streets of new Meridian where she quickly got lost and had no idea of what to do from now on.

It was then that she was found by a group of people that comforted her, promising that they would give her a new home and make her strong if she choose to come with them, she agreed and was taken into the Silent stalkers alongside several other children that had become orphans during the war.

She would spend the next 10 years of her life undergoing the organization's heavy training to become one of their assassin's for hire, being renamed Dagger for the weapon of which she had most proficiency using.

#don't expect me to make a Mariana one. she doesn't have a family for me to talk about #not entirely happy with Stella's sprite but that's probably because I wasn't super feeling like editing her #super proud of Matteo's tho he looks exactly like how I've been picturing him in my head #beloved turtle boy #Skullgirls #Skullgirls 2nd encore #skullgirls oc #stuck together #Dagger #Alessia Ambrosia #Matteo Ambrosia #Stella Ambrosia #hyena scribbles #edit #sprite edit

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privateolives · 6 months

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It's been over 10 years since we lost my stepdad to PTSD. But I've never forgotten him. He taught me many things, but he especially taught me about staying strong in the face of racism, even in wartime.

He was a Scandinavian soldier for his entire adult life. He went to Afghanistan several times and according to the box full of medals he left behind, he spend all those years protecting civilians.

It's a devicive time, many of us are facing the horrific realities of war for the first time as grown adults that can understand what's happening. I'm going to try and condence his lessons to me for everyone here that struggle to know how to engage with the topic online.

No slurs. For any reasons. Ever. Not even nicknames that don't appear on any list. That's how slurs start. Not to anyone but especially not to anyone you consider "the enemy". This is the fastest way to invite inhumanity and cruelty inside, no matter whether you're in the right or wrong. If my stepdad could look people who killed friends and colleagues in the eye and address them respectfully, you can from the safety of your own homes. You can become a monster even on the "right" side. Do not fall to dehumanization.

Levity is not a moral failing. Do not stop people fro laughing or enjoying things. It does not mean they do not care for the situation going on. It does not mean they do not take it seriously. It is how people survive horror. It is a reminder that there are good things in life and laughter is a way of making the horror a bit less damaging to your psyche, even for a moment. Do not fault people for levity. ESPECIALLY NOT PEOPLE UNDER 18. Actively shelter children without lying to them. They do not deserve to have their childhoods and their future adult lives ruined by trauma they're not ready to handle.

He found most people, regardless of culture of religion, can appreciate jokes about family, bodily functions and food. Children everywhere appreciate toys and games. DO NOT MAKE JOKES ABOUT YOUR PERCIEVED ENEMY. THAT IS THE DEVIL TALKING.

Aggression can be justified and wrong at the same time. Anyone you meet with accusations, names and passive aggressiveness will be less likely to listen to you. Anyone you don't even address that read you being aggressive is going to be less likely to listen to you. If someone has doubts, is on the fence, wants to hear you out is met with disdain, they will side with whoever calls you wrong. No matter how wrong those people are. Bold statements are for organizations and politics, never for individuals. Rather kindness to a monster than anger to someone who could change for the kinder. You are right to be mad. You are shooting yourself in the foot by lashing out.

Share a cup of something for five minutes with others before engaging in politics, if you can. He would tell me that the most effective thing he ever found to opening conversation with others in a warzone was to just take 5 minutes in the morning to share a cup of shitty ration tea. Talk about your families. Talk about the weather. Sit and just be human before you talk about the horrors. Always invite in humanity. Never give dehumanization any quarter. Literally this is how he kept local and foreign forces from being at each other's throats before peaceful resolutions could be discussed. And it paid off many times. Not just for him - for the civillians that would be caught in the crossfire.

Do not identify yourself to anyone whilst taking your stance. Not to journalists not to the public not to anyone you're not meeting in a human-to-human interaction. Even if you trust the person recording, you might not trust who ends up with that file later.

Share the overall situation where you can. Hide the information that will target individuals and operations. The public needs to know what's going on. The public doesn't need to be able to punish individuals. The public is both the people who support you and hate you. The public is activists and propaganda spreaders equal. Anything you publically give to a friend you give to your enemy to hurt the person next to you.

Be kind. Even when you don't think they deserve it. Being the bigger person isn't about allowing abuse. You can be kind but firm. Being kind is about not shooting your allies. Being kind is about not letting yourself become a monster. Exit this horror knowing you gave yourself every chance of not being the boogeyman they scare children with 10 years from now. Don't let your friends be the boogeyman either. Take them aside to cool down if they get out of hand.

You can be wrong too. Even when you're right. Being on the side of the underdog doesn't mean you can't be misinformed about the details. People are hailed and destroyed on details. Don't be the guy so sure of yourself you can't take in new info to adjust and catch something wrong from happening before it does.

You will fail. Learn. Adapt. Big things. Small things. You'll lose your cool and you'll believe lies before finding out the truth. Being afraid to be wrong will stop you from acting. Beating yourself up from being wrong will stop you from doing better. The situation is more important than your ego and your judgement. Cry and scream and laugh and break. Seek comfort with your next. Get up. Do better next. The war isn't over.

He wasn't perfect. I'm not perfect either. We've both failed in the past. But I've held the medal he got for tackling civillians into cover in a crossfire. I saw the rage in his eyes when he talked about troops who told him to shut up and tell them where to bomb. I remember how he stopped laughing in the middle of his favourite comedian's show and took me aside after to explain that the joke calling out a behavior of the "enemy" was not acceptable. I remember how the moment he thought his PTSD from 20 years in service was going to hurt us, his family, he took his own life.

I'm going to trust the lessons he left me behind, regardless of what you or I or anyone thinks of the armed forces. And I'm going to stick my neck out and urge you to trust them too. And if you don't trust me as the messenger for those lessons, I understand completely. But please, I ask you as one human to another to just consider the points before forming an opinion.

#palestine #advice #war #genocide in gaza #dehumanization #surviving the horrors #suicide mention #I'm going to block harassing anons on sight #but I'll risk getting them to put this out there anyway #I'm stepping out for now though so I won't be able to respond to anything for the next two hours #edit: typo.

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starswallowingsea · 2 years

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It took like three months but I have finally finished The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood. And it was garbage.

Even without knowing that this was originally Star Wars Reylo Fanfiction, this book was dry as fuck and I zoned out so much while reading it I can barely remember the basis of the plot. The only thing that got me through it was how often I was pulled out of the plot by the comically bad writing. Spoilers below

Our main character, Olive, is in a predicament, that her best friend, Anh (Rose Tico), wants to date Olive's ex, Jeremy (General Hux?), but Olive had just broken up with him and Anh thinks she still has feelings for him. Olive tries to convince Anh that she's moved on and fakes going on a date until she almost gets caught working in the lab at midnight on the night of the date and kisses someone to make it seem like she's on a date...in the biology lab.

The rest of the book was honestly filled with Anh pushing Olive to actually act like she's dating Adam (the man she kissed in the bio lab that fateful night) and Olive pushing back on it for some reason. Girly nobody would honestly believe you were dating if you only met up for coffee once a week, said hello to each other in the hallways, and were never seen in public together otherwise. I'm shocked that it worked, but also not, because this book sucks.

The only time Olive actually takes control of the plot is when she kisses Adam and when she plays the recording of Tom harassing her in the restaurant (which she should have known that he was recorded like five chapters earlier, when she saw she didn't stop recording after her presentation and it had practically killed her phone battery. Like girly......it's not that hard. But whatever.) That one single page in chapter 20 was the only entertaining thing about this book.

Other than that, the characters were all flat, and Malcolm, who I am led to believe was Finn in the original, is a racist, homophobic caricature whose personality traits are fucking like rabbits and being the gay/black best friend and nothing else. Anh's personality was being the only woman of color in the room but also the head of several diversity committees and somehow running an organization for black and indigenous people despite not being either of those things (she's Vietnamese, which is notably not black nor indigenous). We are told Adam is a ruthless, cutthroat professor but never really shown that. He's just there to bounce off Olive's increasingly #quirky personality. The side characters even felt like copy/paste versions of Olive, which made the whole experience worse.

Not to mention one of the lines, walk with the confidence of a straight white man, is literally stolen from a 2012 tumblr post about the murder walk. I have not seen a single person mention this. Do we forget our roots? Something about repeating history...

Anyway, this book was bad, over-hyped, and just overall boring. I don't read romances so my only baseline is Clockwork Heart by Dru Pagliassotti which was published in 2008. That book is far from perfect but it at least had an interesting world and heroine who did things instead of just letting things happen to her, and it was a fun read. I finished that book in less than a month and it took me three months to read the Love Hypothesis.

TL;DR this book was shit the characters were flat the plot was almost non-existant and Olive was one of the worst heroines in a book I've ever read. 0/10.

#shay speaks #book review #bookblr #booktok #the love hypothesis #this book was so frustrating to read at how stupid the characters were #nothing made sense!!!! plot points could have been resolved much quicker than they were!!!!!#olive is made of glass bones and paper skin and gets blown over by a stiff breeze #adam is a brick shithouse bc good lord ali would not let us forget how BIG he is. it's mentioned literally every page #i wish i was joking it got so annoying so quickly #adam carlson is not the next mr darcy the love hypothesis and pride and prejudice are not comparable #that would require tlh to have a plot. and compelling characters. neither of which it will never have #should i start doing more book reviews? idk its kinda fun but im not a very fast reader

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whatqueen-wildcats · 1 year

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Answer the evens for the music ask 🤪

Here u go finally hahaha

2: A song you like with a number in the title

6/10 - dodie

4: A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

Sweater weather - the neighborhood

6: A song that makes you want to dance

Beyoncé RENAISSANCE, just all of it lol listened to it a lot this past summer

8: A song about drugs or alcohol

Idk uhh Juice - Lizzo also a very dance-able choice

10: A song that makes you sad

Wolves - Jensen McRae

Don't think I've ever heard this song without crying

12: A song from your preteen years

Stars - Switchfoot (any early sf qualifies tbh, but got to dance and scream to this one live last year with a couple of fellow ex-youth group queers in one of the weirdest and most healing concert experiences I've had yet lmao)

14: A song that you would love played at your wedding

I Wanna Dance with Somebody - Whitney Houston haha every time I hear this song I just picture the reception dancing and singing along with a room full of people I love and my brand new spouse and it being such a moment of joy

I don't have super significant ones I want for ceremony or first dance or whatever cause i feel that's very dependent on the relationship, but this tune is a Must at some point on the dance floor

16: One of your favorite classical songs

Mmmm idk which individual piece would be my fave but i do love to listen to Chopin (To be a bit pedantic, he's a Romantic period composer, not properly Classical period, but in the Colloquial Sense of Classical it counts 🤣)

18: A song from the year that you were born

*hastily googles songs released in 1994*

Basket Case - Green Day

Very strong memories of hearing it for the first time about 10 years after its release from my cousins shiny new mp3 player and being SUPER jealous

20: A song that has many meanings to you

Twenties - Semler

Always a bit of a mindfuck to listen to honestly -- lmao press X to skip this monolog but please do listen to the song, it's excellent.

cause I so easily could have (and indeed for most of my life thought I was going to) follow the path of the ex-friend in the song, the good Christian girl just looking for any nice guy to settle down with and meet all those traditional expectations... it's what I thought I wanted. I'm sure if the first boy I wound up dating had actually been a good person and didn't fully shatter my entire already-fragile sense of self, I would've stayed on that path for decades and a couple of kids before even getting close to figuring out why I was so miserable. It's all I knew. And I think of all the people I know who did take that path, the friends i grew up with and no longer speak to... the repetition of the line "how long will you live until your life is your own?" I think of my mother and grandmothers. I hope they're all happier than I would have been had I stayed. I think of all the ways I still people please, and think with gratitude for all the ways I no longer do. I could go on but I won't lol.

22: A song that moves you forward

Idk what exactly this is even supposed to mean? Like, motivates me? Gives me hope? Who knows but youre getting

City - Thao & The Get Down Stay Down

24: A song by a band you wish were still together

tbh I can't think of one? I'm sure there are some, but several that I would've said a few years ago have either come back already or I no longer care for them lol. And of course there's plenty of Before My Time bands that would've been cool to be around for but feel like that's not the point of this question.

Idk, what keeps coming to mind is Foo Fighters - they aren't actually broken up but Taylor Hawkins, their drummer, passed suddenly last year. For the song I'll pick "But, Honestly"

26: A song that makes you want to fall in love

So maaannyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ughgh

If We Were Vampires - Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit

Makes me absolutely SICK that I haven't met the love of my life yet and every day that passes is one less that I get to spend with them in this mortal existence 😫

Addendum: I've taken so long to finish answering these that I've found a new answer in the meantime that I'd like to share, Kevin Atwater, several of his songs apply, but going with My Blood is Your Blood *foaming at the mouth*

28: A song by an artist with a voice that you love

Probably the best and most ENCHANTING voice I've had the joy of getting to hear live so far in my life is Florence Welch of F+TM, I'll pick the song Cassandra

30: A song that reminds you of yourself

Okay this would be SO EASY but i really don't wanna pick a sad or self-deprecating song. Those have their time and place but I'm practicing them not being my default lol.

Gonna answer with one that, maybe doesn't exactly *remind* me of myself? but helps me embrace myself: Hit or Miss - Odetta

Thank you, as always, for facilitating my long-winded nonsense! 💖

#ask

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annesdiary · 2 months

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10 March 2024

Okay so a bit of an update for myself. for my own sake. It's going to be long af.

Future me, if you're rereading this, bring a cup of tea. Well, actually popcorn.

I think I may just talk a bit about each person who is close to me.

B got together with her crush, the guy seems to be a sweetheart.

A forgot my birthday.

E too. I told her, she apologized. Shortly after that she hung up the phone.

I thought I needed closure from E too. And I called her to talk to her.

(Idk if you know this; I'm a smart woman, I'm quite familiar with literary theory, victorian literature etc. that's what I read in my free time, that's my field of speciality). I mentioned my research about Sherlock Holmes. It's late, I'm tired and I don't really want to get into the details.

Me: I'm doing this research about Sherlock Holmes and literary stuff.... E: what literary stuff? you need to be more specific, you can't build a research on "literary stuff".

Me after I patiently explained some stuff that I presume she didn't understand: And than I have to do a poster about it. E: you know who you should talk to? *a student she had's name* Me: why would I talk to her? E: she can draw. you can't just slap text on a poster and call it a day. Me: I spent hours going through last years winners to see what I have to do, those contained predominantly text and small-ish, simple illustrations E: *going on and on about stuff she doesn't know because she hasn't been a part of academic life in decades* Me: *finally giving up* You're right.

I called her as a friend. Just because I told her "Sherlock Holmes and literary stuff" she assumes that that's all I have in my head. Meanwhile I'm reading academic papers published by people from the most prestigious universities in my second language in my free time. She last learnt literature (very basic stuff!) when she went to uni. She learnt English literature as part of her ESL programme. At least 25-30 years ago. English was NOT her major, English literature for her was ONE course. . Literature is my major, it's one of my hobbies, I am (by university thing's standards) kind of an expert in it. How dare she look down on me, seriously. In regards to my field of study.

I'm fine. :)

E was tagged in a post, making god-knows-what with woman, one of her friends. (And other ladies.) I never heard anything good about that lady. E only ever talked shit about that woman. E wanted to cut this lady out of her life several times.

Now this lady posted several pictures with E, doing some painting activity.

Thinking of the quote, I don’t know who said it: If I’m a lot, then go find less.

I talked to T a few weeks ago, he was going somewhere by train and we texted, he was telling me kind of nsfw jokes and I kind of enjoyed that. A few hours later, he shut it down, telling me he thinks he went to far.

K is sweet as ever. We talked a few weeks ago, well, she asked for my advice about some girls who went to our class in high school. I didn't keep in touch with them, she did. And it felt so good because she told me how heathy she thinks out friendship is. And how I understand when she doesn't have time to meet up but I know she's always here for me.

And now for the absolute best part: N told me she'd like me to participate in a thing. I have to do research and then put everything I've found on a poster. She helped me with that and she is the absolute best.

I'm so happy I met her and she was kind of my way into academia. It was my first time writing an abstract and she was so kind and patient with me. (I think considering it's my first time, I actually did great, I did the thing with one correction. After I corrected the mistakes she found, for the 2nd time she said it was a great start.)

I'm so grateful for her and I feel like this attachment is the healthiest I am capable of. Like I know she corrects me because she wants me to be better. I know she's a great communicator and she'll let me know if I'm too much/annoy her/crossed a boundary of hers.

In her last e-mail she said "Okay, it's a great start, send it to *a prof's name* if he accepts it, great. But if not, there will be other people who accept it."

Which is so reassuring both emotionally and academically.

#B #E #A #T #K #N

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undertale-data · 3 years

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[Image Description: An Undertale chat box that has “WHY FANS LOVE UNDERTALE” at its center. Next to it are a line chart and an Egg from the Dating Hub on its left, and a CRIME measurer (also from the Dating Hub) on its right. End I.D.]

[Image Description: a pie chart titled, “LEVEL OF LOVE FOR UNDERTALE.” The textbox on the top right reads, “On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the least and 10 being the highest, how much do fans enjoy Undertale?” From the top going clockwise, 12 or 0% chose 5 and below; 23 or 1% chose 6; 98, or 4%, chose 7; 325, or 12%, chose 8; 529, or 20%, chose 9; and 1664, or 63%, chose 10. End I.D.]

It’s clear from all of the data analyzed so far that fans who took the time to answer our survey love Undertale. It is unlikely that they would have taken the time to answer so many questions if they had not, and even less likely that they would have come across our survey in the first place. Naturally, it comes as no surprise that 63% of our responders gave their love for Undertale a score of ten out of ten. 95% gave their love for Undertale a score of eight or higher, and only 12 responders responded with five or below, a number so small that their responses had to be lumped together to be visible on the pie chart. Of those, only 3 responders gave their love for Undertale a score of 1, and based on those responders’ other answers, it is likely that they were only intending to troll. We are very fortunate that the vast majority of responders took the survey seriously, enough so that responses like this are barely a blip in the data.

Now, for our final analysis post of the event, we will delve into the reasons that fans love Undertale so dearly.

(Essay and highlights under the cut.)

There have been countless essays on the impact that Undertale has had on people’s lives. I can hardly add more on the subject than what has already been said, but I hope this summary can provide a brief overview of what stood out among the over two thousand answers given in response to this survey. That said, due to the sheer volume of answers, I could not read every single one in depth—however, I did skim all of them, and some that stood out or were representative of several responses have been highlighted below. If you would like to see what every fan who consented to share their response had to say, you may view the full list of responses here. Note that these responses have not been edited in any way. This document may take a long time to load, as it is over 100 pages long.

(Warnings for mentions of suicidal thoughts in the following essay.)

Several responders loved the theme of choices mattering in Undertale. Whether people played the pacifist, merciless, or neutral routes, they enjoyed how the game reacted to their actions. For some, it even made them consider their own morality. One touching response explained the impact that the theme of mercy made on them. “I realized that Mercy isn't something that's given to those who deserve it. Flowey didn't deserve it. I don't deserve it myself. Shoot, we ALL need Mercy in our lives.” Many fans left similar comments about how the themes of Undertale made them better people.

Undertale changed how its fans treat others, and it also changed how fans treat themselves. The theme of staying determined and the messages of hope in the game were a light to a very large portion of fans. I cannot list all of the fans who said that Undertale helped them out of a dark place, or that they would not be alive if not for Undertale. “DETERMINATION became a metaphor for not killing myself at a really rough time in my life and I’ll always cherish that. Undertale isn’t afraid to go to really dark places but at the same time holds on so tight to its hope.”

Undertale brought fans together in unexpected ways. Some said they met friends or significant others through the fandom. “I wouldn't have met my now husband without Undertale,” one fan said. A different fan who is non-native English speaking mentioned that the game and the fan community helped them to learn English.

It would be impossible to discuss Undertale without mentioning the fan community. Whether for good or bad, many responders mentioned the fandom in their responses. Overall the feelings towards the fandom seem positive, though many made references to “toxic” parts of the fandom without specifying which parts they consider toxic. Others rejected the idea of toxicity in fandom. One response said: “[SLAMS FIST ON DESK] I KNOW MOST PEOPLE SAY THE FANDOM IS TOXIC AND CRINGE OR WHATEVER BUT OH MY GOD. The Undertale fandom, both the UTMV and the actual UT fandom, has been so much fun to be a part of. I've met countless friends because of our shared interest in something related to the game! The art people create can be breathtaking and so inspirational, and the fanfics are so so good!! I've seen people write incredible things for this fandom and it's what made me continue writing!”

One thing that makes the Undertale fandom unique is the way it embraces various AUs. Some fans are tired of AU content, but the majority of responses show a love for the creativity behind AUs. “Roll your eyes at the 50th AU Sans all you want, it's encouraging people to step outside the boundaries of fanart and pushing people to make their own ideas! I mean, hell, it was how I gained the confidence to start making my own original content.” The lack of a judgemental atmosphere seems present in the AU community, according to the responses we saw. There is an interesting balance between AU and canon (sometimes referred to as “classic”) content that another responder pointed out: “The fandom helped keep the game alive all these years, with all of its AUs. Although personally, I always enjoyed AUs that kept characters as close to the classic material as possible (dancetale, outertale) I do appreciate the creativity of the fandom. They almost created entirely new stories with new characters of their own! If it weren't for those people, the Undertale fandom would have probably not been as active as it is now. I do feel like we're getting a resurgence of classic content now too! (In 2021)”

Regardless of the many AUs the fandom has created over the years, the original game of Undertale still feels like home for many fans. They wished they could reclaim the feeling of playing the game again for the first time, but even though we can’t reset time in real life, there is still a special feeling for fans each time they play Undertale. One fan said, “Even the best fics I've read can't capture that feeling of nostalgia/almost-"coming home" that comes with hearing the music and talking to the characters.” This feeling is one that can be cherished time and time again. In the words of another responder: “It always feels welcoming like home or like comfort food that I never grow tired of no matter how many times I go to it.” Others pointed out the strength of the found family trope in Undertale, which likely contributes to this feeling of “home” as well.

As mentioned briefly earlier, the music is part of what makes Undertale feel like home for fans. Even when responses focused on other aspects of the game, many would throw in a comment about the soundtrack at the end. One comment focused on the music said “IT'S SO GOOD like I will literally go through the entire thing over and over and not be bored with it. It makes my monkey brain so happy you have no idea.” Like with the game itself, the music has incredible replay value, an amazing feat considering most of the tracks use the same few motifs. “I think what I like the most about Undertale is how the music attaches you to the story,” another responder said. “They're simple melodies that stick with you throughout the whole game, and they can remind you of both good and bad times.”

If the music sticks with fans in their hearts, then the game’s lore sticks with fans in their minds. Even six years after the release of Undertale, fans are still creating new theories and digging up new secrets. The way the game breaks the fourth wall in particular intrigued many fans and has stuck out through all these years. The awareness that the game shows for the RPG genre makes it memorable. The game plays with the player’s expectations and turns them on their heads, all while reminding the player that they’re in a game. There are few other games that do this on such a large scale, so it’s no surprise that fans cite this as one of their favorite things about Undertale.

Lastly, the LGBT+ representation in Undertale has been a huge draw for fans. Especially in 2015, the sheer volume of non-cishet characters was unprecedented, as one fan pointed out: “It's practically unheard of to see so MANY from just one source, especially during its heyday in 2015-16. Hell, you can't even GET the true pacifist ending without helping two gay couples hook up. It's really nice to see all of them being accepted for who they are and not judged for their sexuality or gender, at least in-canon.” The LGBT+ cast including Frisk, Chara, Napstablook, Monster Kid, Mettaton, Alphys, and Undyne each connected with fans in unique ways. It’s clear how important this is from responses such as: “There are canon nonbinary characters 🥺. i have never seen representation of myself before.” “It made me gay and trans so thanks for that.”

Once again I am overwhelmed with just how much there is to say about Undertale. One responder really understood when they compared Undertale to an iceberg, explaining that there are so many layers to the game that there is something for everyone: “everyone can find something to enjoy in the lore/game regardless of what kind of fan they are! Being able to appeal to various types of fans—from simple happy shipper people to deep dive lorediggers—is the mark of the coolest games!” I would have to agree with them.

It’s been six years, and despite everything, it’s still you. Thank you for reading, participating in this survey, and above all, staying determined.

Highlights:

DETERMINATION became a metaphor for not killing myself at a really rough time in my life and I’ll always cherish that. Undertale isn’t afraid to go to really dark places but at the same time holds on so tight to its hope.

I think the coolest thing was having the opportunity to watch the AU community grow from its bare roots. It's nearly insane how big and complex it's gotten, unlike anything I'd ever seen before. Roll your eyes at the 50th AU Sans all you want, it's encouraging people to step outside the boundaries of fanart and pushing people to make their own ideas! I mean, hell, it was how I gained the confidence to start making my own original content.

i love how the lgbt rep is so naturalized... there are just gay people! and its nobodys business!

The music is my go to answer, but what I really really REALLY love is how the minor characters have so much personality to them when you talk to them. They aren't incredibly important to the overall story, but they're all so likeable and diverse that you just can't help but like them immediately!

I think it was the first videogame I have played that broke the fourth wall that much. Of course there has been other videogames that broke it but just for one or two tongue-in-cheek jokes. The guilt of killing mama goat was also something intense as well that I appreciated as an experience and that I didn't think a videogame could cause on someone.

I love how no character can be seen as completely bad! Everyone builds up Asgore as some horrible villain, but he turns out to be a 'fuzzy pushover' who's broken and just wants his family back by the time you meet him. Then you think Flowey's an irredeemable killer who engineered the suffering of the monsters across many timelines, and he is... but he also used to be the kind and beloved Prince Asriel Dreemurr, traumatized by his death and subsequent rebirth, projecting his best friend onto you.

The fact that choices matter in the game. Your first playthrough and getting the golden ending for the first time. I can never replicate those feelings again, wish I could erase my memories and replay the game from the start.

I wouldn't have met my now husband without Undertale.

(Toxic parts of the fandom aside) The community is possibly one of the kindest I've ever met. Cringe culture is completely dead, and I feel like I can be myself. I felt a very close connection to many of the characters, and I loved consuming content about them when I was in a rough patch in my life.

just everything, the whole game has just impacted my life so much. i know it sounds really lame, but when the game first came out, i would purposely put my hands in my pockets and sway slightly, like sans' idle animation. of course i dont do that anymore haha, but undertale still really impacts me to this day, and i wouldnt have it any other way :)

it made me gay and trans so thanks for that

I realized that Mercy isn't something that's given to those who deserve it. Flowey didn't deserve it. I don't deserve it myself. Shoot, we ALL need Mercy in our lives.

The thing I love most about Undertale is no matter how many times I play or watch a playthrough it always makes me genuinely happy. It always feels welcoming like home or like comfort food that I never grow tired of no matter how many times I go to it. Toriel still makes me feel all warm and cozy in her home, the Skelebros always make me laugh, and I still cry on the inside watching Frisk comforting Asriel. And on the flip side the No Mercy run still invokes the negative emotions in me as well. In short Undertale just feels like a second home to me and I always wish I could stay.

The reader inserts are my favorite way to decompress after a hard day

I think Undertale helped me discover my love for 8-bit games, and made me realize how IMPORTANT music is in video games.

the worldbuilding and character design are my favorite parts of the main game apart from the music! I’m also a huge fan of the random AU music- not for like underswap or underfell i like the stuff where someone makes a megalovania for a random au where gru from despicable me replaces sans as the character. i think its funny

Just... the vibe, honestly? Even the best fics I've read can't capture that feeling of nostalgia/almost-"coming home" that comes with hearing the music and talking to the characters.

there are canon nonbinary characters 🥺. i have never seen representation of myself before.

[SLAMS FIST ON DESK] I KNOW MOST PEOPLE SAY THE FANDOM IS TOXIC AND CRINGE OR WHATEVER BUT OH MY GOD. The Undertale fandom, both the UTMV and the actual UT fandom, has been so much fun to be a part of. I've met countless friends because of our shared interest in something related to the game! The art people create can be breathtaking and so inspirational, and the fanfics are so so good!! I've seen people write incredible things for this fandom and it's what made me continue writing!

There's a scene where Frisk (the player) is going towards what is presumably going to be their death. They will fight Asgore and he will use their human soul to break the barrier and free his people. The music, despite the player's impending doom, is... triumphant. You are not the triumphant one here, and yet, the score invites you to experience the monsters' joy and happiness as they tell you the tale of their subjugation. The monsters are going to be free. This is their victory, but they don't hate you or want you to die. They're just... happy. That scene has always struck me very deeply. I feel it represents the best parts of Undertale.

I loved how well thought out the Geno route was. It really made me feel like I was doing something horrible, and the characters were very obviously reacting to dire circumstances.

I dunno? I like Undertale for it's characters, story, music, secrets and many more. I am not good with Headcanons but I also like the neutral endings and how different they can depending on who you spare and kill

I was very bad at english before, i thought i couldn't progress because i was very shy and not confident. But my sibling and i wanted to have the best experience with this game so we wanted to play it in english. It's this game and the fandom which helped me to make huge progress in english !

THE SOUNDTRACK. IT'S SO GOOD like I will literally go through the entire thing over and over and not be bored with it. It makes my monkey brain so happy you have no idea.

to avoid writing an essay i will say one word. Mettaton

It is like Toby specifically made the games to fit the iceberg meme and it's awesome, everyone can find something to enjoy in the lore/game regardless of what kind of fan they are! Being able to appeal to various types of fans - from simple happy shipper people to deep dive lorediggers is the mark of the coolest games!

I love almost everything about Undertale as a game on its own. The music, the art and especially the characters and how they interact. They made me feel at home. Undertale means a huge amount to me. (I even got a tattoo of the castle when you and MK walk together!) The fandom helped keep the game alive all these years, with all of its AUs. Although personally, I always enjoyed AUs that kept characters as close to the classic material as possible (dancetale, outertale) I do appreciate the creativity of the fandom. They almost created entirely new stories with new characters of their own! If it weren't for those people, the Undertake fandom would have probably not been as active as it is now. I do feel like we're getting a resurgence of classic content now too! (In 2021)

the mystery. toby fox refused to give answers to anything and i think thats very sexy of him.

I just feel guilty for liking it so much when I'm in my 30's. But I recently got diagnosed with ASD, so I guess it explains things a bit. Many ppl consider Papyrus to be neurodivergent, and some adult fans are too, so seeing that makes me feel a bit better.

i think about "Despite everything, it's still you" everyday of my life.

I like how it's just as funny as it can be serious. All routes are this way. I laughed as much as I cried when I played the Pacifist route and then once I opened the game again and Flowey was telling me to let them be happy, I immediately turned off the game. I somehow felt bad.

The Found Family Trope

The True Pacifist Ending is just...man. And the fanworks about saving everyone even when the game doesn't let you? MANNNNNN

I think what I like the most about Undertale is how the music attaches you to the story. They're simple melodies that stick with you throughout the whole game, and they can remind you of both good and bad times.

there's honestly a LOT to love about this game, but i think one of my favorite things about it is just how many lgbt+ characters there are??? i can think of alphys, undyne, frisk, chara, mettaton, napstablook, monster kid, asgore, mad mew mew, the dress lion, the royal guards, and arguably even papyrus off of the top of my head, but im sure i'm forgetting a few from just undertale alone (there's even MORE in deltarune)!! it's practically unheard of to see so MANY from just one source, especially during its heyday in 2015-16. hell, you can't even GET the true pacifist ending without helping two gay couples hook up. it's really nice to see all of them being accepted for who they are and not judged for their sexuality or gender, at least in-canon.

[Image description: A wordcloud in the shape of the capitalized word UNDERTALE. The text is white on a black background, and uses the font found in the game. Some of the most visible words are: Game, Love, Music, Life, AU, Store, Friend, and Feel, which represent the most common words in the essays people wrote about their love for the game. End of ID]

#undertale #analysis #results #undertale fandom census

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doberbutts · 2 years

Note

If you don’t mind answering (and maybe you have I just didn’t see it oops) When you are looking for breeders, what do you look for? Meaning, how do *you* decide they are the one you’ll get your puppy from?

I’ve always adopted from the pound or kind of just ended up with my dogs and once I’m settled somewhere I’d like to get a puppy from a breeder. I’ve done my looking around research wise, I just like to ask individuals with experience as well.

I try to find people producing dogs that are more or less what I want to have. For some this looks different than for others so I'll sort of break things down a bit for that:

When looking for dobes or dutch shepherds (or cross bred bitey things like when I was considering the mal/whippets) I am looking for people who do approximately the same sports or similar with their dogs. That means that since I am looking for my next bitey to be a mondio dog, I value people who are competing in mondio more highly than those who aren't. I value people who are competing in other bitesports more highly than people who aren't. And I value people who are competing in sports at all more highly than people who aren't.

From there, I want someone who agrees with me on some boundaries with their bitey dogs because I find a lot of people producing otherwise nice dogs to have on the field are not producing nice dogs to have in the home. I want a dog that I can have fun with in sport, yes, but ultimately I will also be doing things like hiking with that dog and training in other venues and likely even in public/dog-allowed areas so a dog that is not fun to take to these places is not a dog I want. A doberman was intended to be a personal protection dog, it does not need to love everyone. But it was also intended to walk down a busy German street with no leash and not be an absolute menace biting the shit at anyone that moved, because it'd be a pretty shit protection dog if it was too busy harassing Leetle German Boy With Oversized Lollipop to respond to its owner's call.

When looking for my chihuahuas, I was looking for someone who cares more about health and longevity than anything else. A breeder who shows, sure, but the health testing and understanding of genetics was a higher priority. And I wanted someone who actually did stuff with their dogs- didn't have to be titles, even just attending fun events or hosting them on their property meant the dogs could go out in public and have fun doing so.

When looking for a swissy, I was looking again for someone who worked their dogs while caring a lot about health and longevity. Someone whose dogs could do a variety of jobs, someone whose dogs were good to have out in high stress/high stakes environments without really missing a beat, someone whose dogs were easygoing and laidback.

When looking for the future border, whenever that will be, I look for people who are producing dogs that are achieving what I want to be or higher with regularity. I don't care if they only produce one. I want several. When the time comes I will comb through the list I've procured for health testing and longevity, but for right now I am no where near time so I'm not even worried about it.

For all of those, because a breeder is a 10+ year relationship whether you like it or not, I also do peep their social media to see if they are the type of person I want to be casually hanging out with. Dobes have a huge nazi problem and that is not even an exaggeration. Chihuahuas are full of nasty racist elderly white women. I don't want to deal with these people and I don't want to be involved with these people. So if I get a hint of that, I'm out.

If I have multiples left on my list by then, I go down the line from "dogs I genuinely like the look of" or "dogs I've met or from pedigrees I've met" to "otherwise unknowns". I had three breeders in mind when I bumped into Sushi's breeder at a show and Sushi's breeder also happened to be at the top of my list. I contacted one of the others for backup but they never got back to me and I never followed up.

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nanaminokanojo · 3 years

Text

Play the Game | Nanami Kento X You | Part 3/8

collection masterlist

one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight

"Play the Game" Masterlist

"Do you remember the last time I was in your car?"

The hitch immediately started with that one question. It seemed innocent enough with the way you said it in nonchalance while you let your eyes roam the ivory interior of the Lexus. The two of you were only halfway out of the highway when you asked out of the blue, ultimately pissing Nanami off.

At the reminder, his knuckles immediately turned bone white on the steering wheel, his expressions turning dark as he glanced at you, mouth set in a thin line.

He couldn't remember a darker time in his life than watching you almost die from the rear view mirror of his car as you lay shivering on the backseat, unresponsive even if he struggled to both drive, not to crash and keep you conscious. The glassy look about your blue eyes and the way your pupils had blown up to more than twice their size making him shiver. It was safe to say it scarred him for life.

It was a day like any other. He had just gotten off work after a long day at the court, a mix of sadness and elation coursing through him after winning the case for a teenage girl who was brutally murdered. He finally put the man responsible for it in jail for good. It felt good to see the relief on the faces of the grieving parents; to finally put an end to the daily misery they have to go through, having to be reminded of what has become of their daughter.

But as he was resting in his study, a damp towel draped over his tired eyes and throbbing head, his phone suddenly rang. It wasn't yet 10 o'clock in the evening so he opted to answer it, surprised when he saw your name on the screen. You never really called, and the last time you did, it didn't bode well.

"Hello?"

"Suguru..." came your hoarse voice from the other end of the line, your shallow breaths and wheezes evident in each syllable followed by the sound of faintly splashing water.

"You've reached the wrong person, sweetheart," he muttered, reminding him just how Geto was your favorite among Gojo's friends. He did not resent that, but to say he wasn't the tiniest bit jealous was a lie.

Nanami called your name several times but there was no response, just loud rustling and what seemed to be the device falling on the floor with an echo.

"I fucked up big time," you managed to choke out when you spoke again, your tone slurred, and you seemed to be having a difficult time speaking.

"Where are you?"

"I n-need you... p-please..."

"What's going on?" Nanami was already on his feet, dashing out of the study and picking up his keys, still coaxing you to respond when he heard a ding on his phone. You managed to send your location but you weren't speaking anymore.

He was not religious, probably did not believe in a higher being, but as he drove towards your location, thankfully only half a mile away to the suburbs, he found himself fervently praying for your safety.

When he finally got to the address, he found a modernistic structure, a house, and there seemed to be a party going on. He saw some familiar faces, the gallery manager from the previous exhibit of your recent collection and some art connoisseurs he recognized from the same event.

He barged into the house, being handed a champagne flute the moment he entered, everyone welcoming him but he didn't see your face among the people. He refused, asking instead where you were, sprinting up the stairs in large strides when he was told you went upstairs with some people.

Nanami pretty much kicked every door open until he finally found you in one of the upstairs bathroom. He thought his knees would give out as his heart literally stopped at the sight before him.

There, on the half-filled bathtub was you, soaked to your chest. Your white hair was matted over your forehead while the tips floated on the water. You turned your head when you heard him enter, revealing bloodshot eyes, your lips blue and you looked like you didn't have any blood left with your almost greyish pallor.

Hurriedly, he took you out of the tub, carrying you downstairs much to the curiosity of the guests. "You will be okay. Stay with me," he kept telling you.

Despite your state, you managed to smile, tears springing from your eyes. "Nanamin..." you said weakly, making his heart swell that you were at least happy to see him.

He seriously thought you were going to die, but apparently, you did not necessarily overdose on the cocaine you had taken in as he would later find out from the doctors themselves. You had a bad trip and had to be weaned off the substance for the next twenty four hours.

"Are you drug dependent?" he asked when he picked you up from the hospital, opting not to tell Gojo about the matter until he got his answers.

"You won't tell Satoru, will you?" you asked.

"That depends on your answer and whether you're telling the truth," he told you gruffly, fighting hard not to be angry seeing as how fragile you looked. He hadn't slept and he felt as if his nerves were frayed.

You shook your head. "That's the first time. I promise you it won't happen again. I know it's stupid, but I was just curious."

"Your devil-may-care attitude will kill you."

"I know."

He didn't say anything more no matter how much he wanted to scold you and beat some sense into you. He never brought it up and neither did you. That was an unspoken agreement between the two of you. It was your secret which he will carry to his grave and for the last three years since then, nothing like it happened again. You voluntarily cut your ties with the people who were in that party and since then, you had been well.

"Don't remind me," he snapped at you, keeping his eyes on the road.

You’ve reached the shop that Utahime had instructed you to go to for your fitting, but before he could kill the engine, you spoke again.

"Come to think of it, I've never properly apologized for it, and I haven't said thank you enough for saving me that day."

Nanami shot you a sharp look. "I don't want to talk about it."

You sighed and held his hand as he was taking off his seatbelt. "I don't mean to make you angry, but I am sincerely apologizing for it. I am sorry because I put you through that."

Nanami held you by the wrist instead, meeting your gaze with a cold stare. "If you are, then I hope you also realized what a selfish person you are. You're right. You put me through hell. What could I have said to your brother if you died on me that night?"

You didn't say anything, appearing contrite for the first time.

"Gojo would have lost you. Your friends would have lost you." He sighed heavily, holding your hand properly, his expressions softening at how tiny yours looked in his. "I would have lost you."

At his last statement, you nodded and chuckled quietly. "I wouldn't refute that if it saves me. Still, I wanted you to know that it was a big deal for me." You smiled at him. "But that's not all. I could have lost you, but you're still here. So, thanks." And in a surprising turn of events which left him dumbstruck, you lifted both your hands and brushed your lips on his knuckles before disembarking from the car and skipping to the couturier's shop.

His mind wandered throughout the time he was being assisted into the suit that the bride- and groom-to-be had chosen for him to wear on their wedding. He had to give Gojo props for choosing well and suiting the ensemble’s piece to his preference. But he couldn’t quite concentrate on the task at hand when the scene in the car kept playing in his mind. The back of his hand still tingled where you kissed it.

All he wanted to do was see you, but you were a room away, also being pricked and pinned. He wanted nothing but for the fitting to be over so he can be with you again, regardless if it was just for the short drive going back to Gojo manor. Your course of action and words fueled something in him he thought never existed, and he wanted nothing more than to be able to see you, hear you, smell you, touch you. He wanted you, wanted to have you for himself come Gojo or high water. He already knew that, but he never felt as strongly as he did for you than at present because he also knew, that for the first time, you were being yourself and not playing games with him.

Nanami vaguely heard the tailor say something to him, but he didn’t quite catch it, but his image on the mirror suddenly became clearer as he was interrupted from his daydream. His brows furrowed together as he assessed what the man said, but before it could drag on for too long, his cluelessness, he said, “I’m sorry, you were saying?”

“Is the fit just right, Mr. Nanami?” the man asked again, expert eyes scanning over his figure.

“It’s perfect. Thank you,” Nanami stated hurriedly. He couldn’t care less about the suit, but it was already great. He didn’t see any reason to prolong the appointment. “Can I get changed now?”

“Certainly, sir,” the tailor said. “I will leave you to get dressed.”

He just nodded and carefully shed the suit off before changing back into his clothes, meticulously folding the sleeves of his shirt before he set out in search of you. He knocked on the door he was directed to, hearing music playing on the other side of the door along with some voices, one of which was yours.

The door opened and his eyes immediately met those cool blue ones through the mirror. You had your arms spread out to the sides as three women worked around you. “Done already?”

Nanami felt heat creeping up his neck as he averted his gaze. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were far from finished.”

“Oh, shush. I need your opinion.”

He snorted. “Yeah. Like I know anything about this.” At odds to his words, he sat down.

“Your boyfriend is handsome,” the couturier commented with a flirtatious giggle as he sized Nanami up.

“I –”

He was about to protest when you cut him short and said, “Isn’t he?”

“That coming from the person who said she didn’t feel like drawing my face,” he said, feigning annoyance.

“Oh, baby. I can’t draw your face if its saves me.” You flashed him a seductive smile. “You’re too perfect.” You winked at him through the mirror while he just sat down and shook his head in amusement, picking up a magazine but not really reading through it. He just watched as you were directed like a doll to pose whichever way the stylist wanted and he could have sworn he has seen nothing more beautiful.

“Just another pin right here,” the couturier said flamboyantly, fastening this and that around your sides, “…and we’re done!” He clapped his hands, standing back as he admired his handiwork. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s fine,” you said, tilting your head to the side.

“Hmm,” Nanami butted in, closing the distance between him and you. He came closer behind you, silently ordering everyone else out of the room with a succinct jerk of his head before he stood there, eyes on your bare back. He placed both hands on either of your shoulders, towering over you.

You quietly observed what he was doing from the mirror, your expressions unchanging even when he traced your spine with his finger. His lips curled at the corners ever so slightly when you slightly jerked forward when he reached the small of your back, relishing the smoothness of your skin against his calloused digit. He lingered there, drawing circles as he met your gaze on your reflection.

“Isn’t this too low?” he asked, his breath hitting the shell of your right ear. “You’re attending a wedding anyway.”

“Oh?” You twirled around so that your back was to the mirror, while you looked over your shoulder to check what he was saying. The plunging style of the dusty rose gown dipped all the way to your waist. “You think so?” You looked up at him, noticing how his face was just inches away from you. “I think it’s okay.”

“Okay for everyone to see?”

At that, you smiled smugly at him. “And you don’t like that, do you, Nanamin?” you asked sultrily.

“I am your boyfriend after all,” he teased. “While I’d like to brag about you, it wouldn’t sit right with me to know everyone’s seeing what’s supposedly only for my eyes, now would it?”

“I never took you for the jealous – whoa!”

Without preamble, he wrapped a strong arm around you, pulling you close so that you were flush against his chest, a devious smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. He wasn’t even concealing his enjoyment anymore. He liked having you close like that, your intoxicating scent dominating his senses.

“Why did you say that to the stylist?” he asked, leaning closer and reveling at the fact that you were caught off guard, eyes wide in surprise.

“It’s easier to just say so than explain, isn’t it?” You leveled your bearing with his. “You didn’t do anything to disagree either.”

“First, you kiss me in front of your brother, flirt with me like it’s normal and say things like that. What are you playing at?”

“Is this one of your games?” you asked, returning his question to you the previous day. You reached up and cupped the side of his face, eyes lingering on his mouth. “Cause I’ll play, Kento.”

He has never quite thought of his name before, whether he liked it or not. It was given to him and he couldn't imagine being called anything else. But he has never liked the sound of it as much as he did when it was rolling out of your tongue. It brought out a strange feeling, spurring him on to give in to his desires instead of holding them back like he usually does with you.

It was all the encouragement he needed. Fuck everything, he thought, dipping his head lower to close the distance between the two of you until he was touching your lips. A quiet gasp left your mouth when he pressed his lips onto yours in an experimental touch, gentle as a zephyr. Your ocean eyes stared at him, taken aback when he pulled away but the dazed look you had was the same one that drew him back to you, landing pecks several times, each one lingering longer than the last.

"Are you teasing me, Nanamin?" you breathed out softly, the laughter in your voice dying out when he captured your lips, this time shutting you up for a good while, coaxing you to respond to his ministrations. He knew he won over you when he felt your fingers grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, pulling him closer, your chest rising and falling against his in shallow breaths, making his heart thrum wildly.

His senses were already heightened whenever you were in the same breathing space as he was, but it was always a different story when you were touching him. Hyper aware. There wasn't a better word that would describe how he felt at that moment. He seemed to see everything he wouldn't usually notice; hear his heart thrumming over every other thought in his brain; almost touch the tension in the air and feel that intense heat blooming from his chest outwards.

But at the same time, nothing mattered but the person in front of him, kissing him and making him feel all sorts of ways. He was a gonner and he knew it but he didn't want to fight it either.

You moaned into the kiss when he gently darted his tongue into your mouth, seducing yours in a fiery dance that united your breaths. His hands made their way up your shoulders, the feel of your soft skin awakening carnal thoughts, making him think of nothing but ways to own you, mark you until he was satisfied. He cupped your face in his large hands, holding you in place, unable to get enough of your taste and the sensations you gave him. They made him crave like a man starved and deprived and he wants to take, take, take.

By the time he pulled away, he was a panting mess, eyes closed as he leaned his forehead against yours, willing himself to calm down. He couldn't help the smile that graced his lips the moment he opened his eyes to find you flushed, lips swollen from his kisses. But that was short-lived when he heard a clinking sound on the side of his head and a wicked grin stretched over your mouth. When he followed the sound, he saw the keys to his car dangling on your fingers.

"What –"

You took a step back when he tried to reach for it, effectively holding it away from him. "Prestidigitation," you declared, sounding victorious. "I'm driving. No arguments."

Nanami sighed, his senses still fuzzy from your kiss and the sight of you whirling around in chiffon and taffeta. He just gave in to his affections for you in hopes of coming out the victor, but you still played him in his own game. "Fine. You win."

You stood on your toes and pecked him on the cheek, stepping off to the side to ring the bell for the shop staff. "I promise not to crash your car."

Nanami sat on the passenger side of the car, glancing at the fair-haired villain who stole his car keys, currently driving him to some surprise place of your choosing. He had protested when he noticed how you were going to the opposite way from the manor, taking the highway that led well away from the town. Thrice, he told you to turn back and for every reason he cited, you had a counterattack, not necessarily valid but enough grounds for you to get your way.

"I need to read through the case file and take down notes to make up for the time I'm missing at the firm," came his first excuse but you effectively shot that down by pointing at his briefcase neatly tucked at the backseat.

"Yeah, cause as anal as you are about your job, you don't keep spare copies in your car in cases of emergency."

He jerked on his seat at your comment. "Hey, I'm not anal about my job! I'm just being prudent."

You laughed at the way his voice was raised than usual. "No need to get defensive. Besides, Your initial hearing isn't going to be in two months and by the looks of it, you have everything almost done."

"How did you –"

"I saw them the first day you arrived." Shrugging, it was your turn to shoot him with an annoyed gaze. "You keep forgetting that I have photographic memory. I'm cursed to remember everything."

Truth was, he seemed to be forgetting whose sister you were, letting his guard down and kissing you the way he did. He knew he could have done more if he completely let go of his reins. You were just too tempting, too beautiful and brimming life and infinite galaxies in your eyes which devoured him and made him lose of all sense of time, space and just sense in general.

"Satoru will be looking for you," Nanami attempted for the second time which only earned him an imperious look from you. You said everything in that single action: one, that you didn't care and two, that he was behaving ludicrously.

For the final time, he tried to appeal with something which you would actually give a damn about. "Don't you want to spend time with your friends?"

"Seriously, Nanamin, they're the least of your problems. We're going camping tonight. Besides, they know –" You deliberately stopped talking, your ears turning red, evidently flustered.

"They know what?" he prompted, leaning forward to have a better look at your face to assess your mood.

But then you said, "You're distracting me."

"And you're being evasive."

"If you don't want to spend time with me, just say so." In an abrupt swerve which made his life flash before his eyes, you pulled over to the side of the road, letting go of the steering wheel after you killed the engine. "Drive us home then."

You motioned to remove your seat belt, but Nanami stopped you, shaking his head. Why anything never went right when he was dealing with you was beyond him. "That's not it at all."

"Then what?" you snapped.

Damn, he thought. If the two of you were already fighting the way you are at present, he couldn't imagine how things would be once you were in an actual relationship. Then again, maybe it was the confusion as to what was happening that was causing the unwarranted tension between you two.

He sighed. "You're just too erratic. I can't keep up."

"And you're too fucking vanilla!" you growled.

Nanami was appalled that you would say that same comment in such a way. Leveling his ire with yours, he spat, "That's rich coming from you. Didn't you date that Kamo kid?"

You were stunned at his citation of your former relationship, even more so at his childish attempt at spiting you. It was so atypical of him. "You..." You jabbed a finger at him, about to spit fire when you realized that he cared enough to notice. Your brows knit together. "How did you know about that?"

"You think I wouldn't notice that he's been following you around like a lovestruck puppy during last year's autumn festival?" Nanami scoffed, sneering. "A person like you with someone more boring than the vanilla you claim that I am?"

He was being petty, he knew it, too. The look on your face as you just ogled him in stunned silence says it all. It was as if you never expected him to ever retort the way he did. It was really unusual if he would say so himself since he never really indulged you enough to actually argue with you the way the two of you were doing at the moment.

Out of the blue, you burst out in a fit of giggles, the corners of your eyes watering. "Come to think of it, he acts more like an old man than you do..."

"You dare call me an old man?" He knew your argument was over, but he couldn't help but say it. There was an out of place sense of satisfaction that engaging you in a word joust gave him no matter how unintelligent and shallow it was about.

When you finally calmed down, you said, "I want you to have fun and have a sense of adventure for once. I swear I won't throw your dead body to the ocean."

His left eye twitched at your sentiment. "Well, if you put it that way..."

"Just say yes to me for once."

"I always say yes to you if you haven't noticed by now."

You snickered, starting the engine. "I want you to say yes to me now."

Nanami felt something tug at his chest. "Yes."

"Good." You leaned over and poked him on the cheek.

Nanami sat there, rolling down the window as you drove, letting lose and enjoying the scenery the car passed by on the way to the sea. For the first time in a long time, his face ached from smiling too much, unable to help it.

He knew it and he didn't care if he was doomed. He was in love with you, always have been and always will.

-end of part 3-

*I used “you” here, but since my character is Gojo’s little sister who is established to be his female clone for reasons essential to the plot, she possesses the same blue eyes and white hair. I did not exactly want to create an OC (although technically, I did by describing Y/N), but I opted for the best of both worlds in this fic, leaning more towards the literary aspect of it as opposed to it just being reader/you-oriented. I hope this isn’t iffy to anyone, and yeah, i’m not being exclusive or whatever.

Thank you so much for reading. Likes, comments and reblogs are deeply appreciated! Hope you enjoyed it.

PHOTO/IMAGE/GIF/FANART CREDITS TO THE RESPECTIVE OWNERS.

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fumiko-matsubara · 3 years

Text

THE CLIMB - Storyline (Assassination Classroom x Tower of God AU)

Status: to be continuously edited and added until I'm out of ideas

Here it is, the finalized storyline. Just like the actual Tower of God series, this AU also has 3 parts. But I've only managed to roughly write out 3/4 of Act 1 (and I still have yet to add details). With Act 2, certain arcs have already been planned through but others have yet to be finalised (ToG Season 2 was mad as hell, I just CAN'T help but to pick out arcs I liked from the original and translate them to an AU with assclass characters). And finally, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with Act 3 (but one thing's for sure was that Team DREAM as a whole gets their deserved spotlight - I grew a soft spot for them, you see hahaha).

Semi-annually, 1200 people are selected by Headon, the Caretaker of the Tower and the Guardian of the 1st Floor, to climb the Tower as Regulars.

Those Regulars will then be transported to 3 different testing grounds at the 2nd Floor.

So the 1st test at the 2nd Floor will begin with 400 Regulars present at each different testing ground.

The first 3 tests will all be elimination-types. The first elimination test will be: Narrow the number down from 400 to 200 by using any means.

Nagisa and Karma formed a truce then found Sugino while trying to stray away from the bloodied battlefield.

Chiba managed to prevent Nakamura and Maehara from killing each other when the test was about to be done.

The second elimination test will be: the remaining 200 Regulars must form a team of 3. Those who fail to be in a team will be eliminated.

Known teams in testing ground 1:

Karma, Nagisa, and Sugino

Chiba, Nakamura, and Maehara

Terasaka, Kurahashi, and Mr. Talking Ostrich

Megu, Okajima, and Kazuma

Known teams in testing ground 2:

Isogai, Kanzaki, and Hayami

Yada, Hazama, and Okano

Yoshida, Muramatsu, and Hara

Known teams in testing ground 3:

Mimura, Kimura, and Takebayashi

Sugaya, Fuwa, and Sachiko

Shindou, Satomi, and Kokona

All the formed teams were transported to a new testing area – inside the gigantic mothership that was flying above the field they were all at before.

Chiba then gave a whole detailed rundown about the ruling class of the Tower to Nakamura, who lived somewhere in the Outer Tower (Residential Area) where many cultures normally have little to no awareness about the Royal Empire.

The Tower is currently ruled by King Daigou, who was the first to climb the Tower along with his 10 companions, who then became the Leaders/Heads of the Ten Great Families. They were Irregulars, meaning they were not chosen by Headon but instead had opened the gates to the Tower on their own. Irregulars are basically the Tower's rule-breakers, as they are unimaginably strong since they weren't restricted by the contract of a Guardian of each Floor, which is what Regulars form with them in order to be able to use the shinsu in the Floor they are in. Irregulars come in once every millennium.

It had been several ten thousands of years since King Daigou and the Ten Family Leaders had ruled over the Tower.

The Ten Families are so powerful that they rule over multiple Floors and are either affiliated or founders of certain well-known organizations. Every single descendant of these Family Leaders is blessed with strength, no matter how weak some of them are by their family's standards. Direct Descendants are especially gifted.

Though there are exceptions, the talents of these children usually depend on what their great family is known for - Akatsuki Family for their swordsmanship, Asano Family for their Light Bearers, Seo Family for their Scouts, Shimada Family for their incredible physical strength, Chiba Family for their Wave Controllers, Terushima Family for their mastery of manipulating Shinsu, Tsuchiya Family for having the strongest defensive power, Harukawa Family for their Spear Bearers and Lightning Users, Park Family for their great intellectuality with all researches about the Tower, and Yamazaki Family for their Flame Users.

Regulated by Test Administrator: Takokoro Takoro (Ranker – someone who had climbed the Tower and reached the top. They’re incredibly powerful). He brought his palm out and suddenly everyone was being pushed away by a strong current. Many have already flown towards the very back. While some managed to hold their ground for a couple seconds before the current became even stronger, thus ultimately pushing the rest of them back.

Now there's a thick water-like barrier before all of them, waiting to be crossed.

As the Tower is filled with concentrated shinsu since it's basically its source of life, Regulars should be able to withstand at least a certain amount of concentration in order to ascend the floors. And so, the third elimination test will be: All members in a team must be able to pass through a barrier of high concentrated shinsu made by Takoro. If a member fails, the whole team fails.

The fourth test will be a psychological type, regulated by Test Administrator Irina Jelavic (Ranker): There are 10 identical doors in a room. Open the correct one in under 10 minutes.

Karma: "All of them looked the same to me. There’s no way to tell them apart and figure out which is the right one. So might as well ignore the first rule and just open a door in less than 10 minutes!" (Irina: “I guess that works too…)

Nakamura: "There are no ‘more’ hints..? But you haven’t given us any though."

Maehara: "Wasn’t what she just said a hint..?"

Chiba: "Uhh, those are instructions."

Nakamura: "That would only mean that the hints were already given before we even entered this place… like those unnaturally loud screams after a long time of dead silence from the inside. It was as if you were purposely letting us hear those screams and deduct something from them."

Team Chiba, Nakamura, and Maehara passed the door test after figuring out the whole point of the entire test.

A short break between the continuous tests. Chiba and Kurahashi instantly clicked while getting drinks from the vending machine.

Kurahashi Hinano is a feline person – a humanoid species with feline features and abilities. They tend to be Animas. They populate all the floors that the Chiba Family rules over.

Chiba Ryuunosuke is from the family of Chiba, one of the Ten Great Families that ruled over the Tower. This great family produces the strongest Wave Controllers. They also have the highest number of members.

Because there were too many teams remaining that monitoring their abilities at the same time was becoming too difficult, a bonus test was announced to be taken before the Position Test will begin.

Bonus Test: The Crown Game. Regulated by Test Administrator Karasuma Tadaomi (Ranker). Participation is optional and losing this game doesn’t mean failing the whole floor test. However, whichever team wins are automatically cleared from the entire floor and wouldn’t have to take the remaining tests.

Every Regular from all three different testing grounds will be present in the same testing ground.

Fast forward. Chiba, Nakamura, and Maehara were the team that won the bonus test. It was pure gamble in Nakamura’s part that Chiba has enough tricks up in his sleeve to prevent anyone from taking the crown from him, even if it’s Karma.

Chiba, Nakamura, and Maehara were all guaranteed automatic pass from all the remaining tests and leave the 2nd floor whenever they want.

However, Chiba insisted they stay for a bit to participate in the Position Test even if they won’t actually take the test.

He predicted that Nakamura would either be sorted to the Light Bearer or Scout position and will likely received the basic lighthouse or observer for free if she at least participates in the classes.

The same case for Maehara in the Fisherman position and thus might receive a basic needle for free if he joins the classes.

There are five basic Positions in a battle: Fisherman (Frontline Combat), Light Bearer (Support and Strategy), Scout (Intel and Combat Assist), Spear Bearer (Long Range), and Wave Controller (changing tides of the battle).

Karasuma Tadaomi handles the Fisherman classes

Hanamura Hanayo handles the Light Bearer classes

Irina Jelavic handles the Scout classes

Red Eye handles the Spear Bearer classes

Tadokoro Takoro handles the Wave Controller classes

That friend list assignment that the Scouts would have to fill up in a week, which was what brought a lot of the Regulars to become friends.

Fast forward. About 20 Regulars were guaranteed to pass the Position Test with how high their results are.

Hide and Seek Test. A Ranker (but with high restrictions) will be participating along with the Regulars.

Chiba, Nakamura, and Maehara, who already cleared the entire floor, can only spectate through the screen along with the Test Admins.

Luckily the team that failed was the one where most of the members have high scores in the Position Test, so not too many actually failed the floor.

Final Results were out and plenty have actually failed because some were too injured and some just weren’t competent enough overall.

The Final 2nd Floor Test was a team test, where the remaining Regulars must form a team of their own and take a certain test. It’s either that team passes or not.

4 teams were formed and thus, there will be 4 different tests: a Scavenger Hunt Test, a Lost and Found Test, a Zombie Test, and a Heaven and Hell Test.

3 out of 4 formed teams cleared their respective tests.

An official registration of teams was announced. Line-up changes in teams were made. There is also the option of not choosing a team to join in yet, of course.

Chiba, Nakamura, and Maehara were now included. Team END was formed and registered.

2nd Floor cleared.

They met Okuda Manami on the 3rd Floor.

Yukimura Akari joined Team END at the 5th Floor.

Chiba Ryuunosuke failed to clear the 8th Floor and would have to retake it after 6 months. He insisted Team END not to waste time waiting for him when they could just continue climbing, since he can surely form his own team and easily catch up to them.

Team END arrived at the 10th Floor.

Karma heard about an informant who is supposedly very strong but for some reason chooses to stay at the 10th floor for centuries.

He had plans to recruit said informant into joining Team END but was also curious about why they chose to stay at the 10th floor for so long.

Being a Princess of Daigou is a very big deal, as they are granted a portion of the King’s power, making them even more powerful, and a great amount of authority in the Tower – be it a high position in the empire, access to even the most powerful weapons, or even granted the opportunity to rule a whole Floor to themselves.

Princesses are already extremely strong when in battle that even a single Regular Princess can possibly take down all the other 400 Regulars by herself in a death match. Meanwhile, Princess Candidates, especially the ones who had nearly won their title, are not that much weaker compared to the already selected Princesses.

Ranker and High Ranker Princesses would be unimaginably strong. Two High Ranker Princesses from the Terushima and Yamazaki Families were so strong that they even outranked the majority of the Ten Great Family Leaders in the Tower Rankings (tied at Rank 7th), even if the Princess from the Yamazaki Family had been missing for millennia.

A Princess is selected and born every 300-500 years. They usually come from the Ten Families, but in a rare case would a strong woman from a less noble family would overpower her competitors and win her place.

Tsuchiya Kaho (Position: Light Bearer-Defender hybrid) was the strongest candidate of the previous Princess Selection over 300 years ago, after Chiba Rena Daigou who then became the selected Princess of that time.

Karma attempted to recruit Kaho but was solidly declined.

Kaho remarked that she would’ve considered joining them if the rumoured remarkable Spear Bearer from the Chiba Family was still travelling with them.

Karma instead just requested information about the 10th floor test’s details, which Kaho happily scheduled a meeting with Team END in a couple of days.

Kaho came by the dorm that Team END was staying at. Nagisa opened the door and was about to greet her but remained frozen due to how incredibly powerful the shinsu Kaho was casually exerting.

Maehara stiffened at the sight of Kaho, or specifically, the emerald jewel that was on her hairband. Kaho of course noticed him, even if Maehara didn’t realize it.

Barely minutes after Kaho walked inside their shared apartment, she was already giving pointers to some of the Team END members: like how Hayami would need to have observers instead of a Defender, how the Light Bearers in their team would need to do more snooping to get all the information they need, or the fact that a Light Bearer’s lighthouse can actually amplify a Wave Controller’s baang to make them more powerful and lethal, and etc.

Kaho then specifically called out to Maehara, who flinched.

Kaho: “Even if you have shit control over your lightning shinsu, you can still be flexible enough with how you infuse it onto the weapons you use. Heck, you just have to be flexible with the very weapons that you use and then infuse your lightning onto them. The results may vary but it’ll be fruitful at least.”

Hara served her tea and brought her some sweets, which Kaho highly appreciated.

Kaho then got a sudden call and took it. Team END could only watch nervously as she blows into anger at the caller.

Kaho: “You failed to use your observer to collect such vital information mid battle, even though you claimed to be really good at multi-tasking..? Gosh you’re the most useless Scout I have ever encountered in the near 400 years of my life!”

Kaho: “I’ve had high expectations of you since the Seo Family were known for their talented Scouts and yet you’ve only shown incompetence… I’m starting to believe that the unremarkable male descendants’ syndrome isn’t just limited to the Chiba Family…”

Kaho: “Since you’ve failed from giving me actual data in exchange for floor test Intel, your team is not allowed to leave this floor until I get my 20,000 points payment. Got it?”

After the phone call ended, Okajima asked Kaho about the data gathering assignment she gives to Scouts.

Kaho then explained that there’s a way to receive floor test info from her without having to pay her points for it, and it’s to take the 10th Floor test and retrieve important battle data that Kaho can use as more floor test intel.

Kaho: “You know? Info for info? But naturally, a mere floor test info isn’t just gonna pay up all the Intel you’re gonna get from me. This is just in case you don’t have enough points to pay.”

Not long after, Kaho began relaying information about the 10th Floor test to Team END, sending data to everyone’s pockets, lighthouses, and observers. The more detailed info they want, the higher Kaho will raise the price.

Team END wanted to know the vital weakness of the divine sea creature that they will deal with at the final 10th floor test, but Kaho said the price for that info is very expensive since it would guarantee a floor test clearing.

Naturally, the prize was really expensive that Team END was reconsidering.

But Kaho suggested that they won’t have to pay her points for that vital information if they instead give her as much information they can give about a certain remarkable Spear Bearer from the Chiba Family. Information such as his skills, abilities, background, and… personality.

And so they did, and they got the floor test info they need.

Okajima still insisted that he’ll attempt to look for more useful info about the 10th floor test to give to her. Kaho promised that she’ll return the appropriate amount of points to Team END if he managed to retrieve that data.

He got that data and Team END cleared the 10th Floor with flying colours. Soon after, they went to the 11th Floor, leaving Kaho behind.

The Tower’s Administration Office announced the names of the Regulars who had died while taking floor tests.

One of those names includes Harukawa Kiriya, one of the direct sons of the Harukawa Family Leader, who had died while taking the 10th Floor Test.

Kaho smirks while reading the announcement from her lighthouse.

Kaho: “I told him not to do it since it can get him killed but that arrogance never fails to leave their systems, huh? Now look where that got him. Such a distasteful family indeed.”

She then made a call to Tsuchiya Hibiki, a relative of hers, while going through the opened files on her lighthouse.

Kaho: “One of the few teams that recently cleared this floor just now is called Team END. They have a member named Maehara Hiroto and he’s clearly an illegitimate descendant from the Harukawa Family.”

She quickly sent a file to Hibiki, which is likely accessible information about Maehara, including his photo.

Kaho: “His lightning shinsu may be as strong as a direct Harukawa descendant’s but he lacks control over it and he’s not a Spear Bearer, so he likely isn’t affiliated with that family.”

Kaho: “But just in case, I want you to keep an eye on him until he’s out of our family’s territories. If he shows any suspicions that suggests his affiliation towards that family, let me know about it immediately. I’ll hunt him down myself.”

Surprised, Hibiki asked if Kaho is finally going to start climbing the Tower again.

Kaho: “The current missing princess’s remarkable younger brother is said to be finally arriving. I will be accompanying him from then on.”

Meanwhile, being a member of Julia’s team, Ryuunosuke had just arrived at the 10th Floor.

Chiba: “Ahh I hope I didn’t make her wait for too long…”

Kaho and Chiba had reunited ever since Kaho had been selected as a Regular over 300 years ago.

Kaho then officially joined Julia’s team. But since she had already climbed until the 20th Floor, she wasn’t allowed to take all the upcoming floor tests with the team until they’ve arrived at the 20th floor.

Privately, Kaho advised Chiba to tell Maehara to stop flinching or even just freeze at the sight of any Tsuchiya, since it’ll likely just get him in trouble more than anything. It’s already bad that he looks so much like a Harukawa, illegitimate descendant or not, so it’s advisable to stop flinching whenever he sees a Tsuchiya since it’ll make him look suspicious. Most especially since the Tsuchiya Family rules all over the 16th-29th Floors and thus, those floors are heavily populated by Tsuchiya descendants.

Kaho: “You said that his mother was a Regular who had stopped climbing, right? And that he lived at both the Inner Tower (Regular’s Area) and Middle Area (gate between the Inner and Outer Tower) of the 67th Floor? That suggests that he had nothing to do with the Harukawa Family so he should be safe enough… unless he actually met his father, that is.

Chiba: “He said he never met him. He wasn’t told of what exactly happened but from what he told me, his father supposedly left right before he was born.”

Kaho: “I don’t know what his mother warned him about us for him to freeze at the sight of me, but he’s completely safe if he’s got nothing to do with his father then. While we would still keep watch just in case, the Tsuchiya family don’t really bother with illegitimate Harukawa descendants, let alone kill them.”

Kaho: “Our goal was to not reduce the ever-growing Harukawa population, but rather strip them off their power. Specifically, those who become Rankers with the intention of sharing that power and influence to the Harukawa family as they bear their name.”

Kaho: “Ryuunosuke, your goal was to become a High Ranker, no?”

Chiba: “Yeah, and I feel like that’s also what my family expects from me.”

Kaho: “Naturally, because that would make you the first ever male descendant in your family to become a High Ranker. Since it’s such a big deal, everyone’s eyes are going to be on you if you were to achieve that and I wouldn’t be surprised if your family’s going to milk the hell out of the attention you’d be getting and benefit from it… just like what they did when Rena first became a Princess of Daigou.”

Chiba: “Ugh… that one lasted for years. It doesn’t help that both of our parents are Rankers, heck my mom’s a High Ranker, so even that was bragged about and made it into the headlines!”

Kaho: “Tell me about it… The Harukawa family’s no different for that matter. Shit, I think they’re even worse.”

Chiba: “Oh they’re definitely worse.”

Kaho: “With that thought in mind, if an illegitimate descendant has plans to join the Harukawa family when they’re becoming a Ranker or close to becoming one, that’s when we get rid of them. If your dear friend shows no such interest even after he had climbed so far high up, our family will definitely leave him alone. So don’t worry too much.”

The hatred between the Tsuchiya and Harukawa Families was so strong that killing and assassinating is even involved. Tsuchiya Kaho was promised to be fully forgiven by the entire Tsuchiya Family for failing to become a Daigou Princess if she managed to kill at least one member of the Harukawa Family on her own throughout her climb at the Tower.

The Harukawa Family was infamous for the womanizing tendencies of their male descendants, a reminiscent of their Family Head, Harukawa Izaki, who had many wives. Thus, it’s no surprise that not only does the Harukawa Family has the highest number of existing Family Branches, they’ve also produced the highest number of illegitimate children.

The main reason why the Tsuchiya Family made it their life mission to kill any Harukawa who shows potential or even interest to climb the top of the Tower was to forcibly make the Harukawa Family lose their power and influence by reducing the number of Rankers they will have despite their large number of descendants.

The Harukawa Family also has the same goal but are less successful at achieving it. This is because although they have high attacking power and lethality rate, every single Tsuchiya descendant, direct or not, were all born with incredibly high defensive power that only the most talented Great Family children can break through.

The only reason why the Harukawa Family had never surpassed the Chiba Family in terms of having the greatest number of children was because descendants of their family were actively being killed by certain members of the Tsuchiya Family, which also regulates their population.

Bearing the Tsuchiya Family crest meant being strong and brave enough to carry the burden of the family’s both good and wrongdoings. The crest is immediately obtained when a Tsuchiya successfully killed at least one Harukawa descendant. The crest is an emerald jewel that was attached on any accessory according to the bearer’s personal choice (e.g. Kaho’s hairband). Very few people outside the Tsuchiya Family are aware that a crest-bearing Tsuchiya meant that they have killed a Harukawa.

Maehara was one of those very few people who knew, hence why he froze at the sight of Kaho and her hairband.

Sometime later, Chiba called Team END to give each other updates about their respective progresses.

A little after that, Chiba privately called Maehara and told him what Kaho had warned and reassured him about.

Maehara: “Fuck, so she does know!”

Chiba: “Dude, you look like the typical Harukawa offspring. That yellow lightning isn’t helping either. So is being a playboy.”

The climb resumes.

Julia’s Team:

Nagasawa Julia

Okamoto Akeboshi

Kazukata Shindou

Akatsuki Seria Daigou

Ookuwa Sachiko

Tanaka Kazuma

Mori Mitsuki

Seo Hinagiku

Chiba Ryuunosuke

Tsuchiya Kaho

Kitazawa Ayaka

Park Jungyoon “Masato”

Fukiyose Eiji

Kanemoto Shiori

Tersuhima Daisuke

Shimada Miho

Julia’s team made it to the 20th floor. But because of how the 20th floor tests work, they have to be separated into much smaller teams.

Team DREAM was then formed.

Ryuunosuke, Kaho, Ayaka, Masato, Eiji, Shiori, Daisuke, and Miho

Realizing that a large-member team was just going to hinder them in the future with the way how some floor tests are done, it was decided that the split teams will begin travelling separately.

There were no complaints that Team DREAM consists of 5 different descendants from the great families since Julia’s Team is travelling with a Daigou Princess.

There's the Regulars Ranking which is dependent on what Floor one is on.

F-Rank Regular – those who come into the Tower on the 2nd Floor

E-Rank Regular – those who cleared the 20th Floor

D-Rank Regular – those who cleared the 30th Floor

C-Rank Regular – those who cleared the 50th Floor

B-Rank Regular – those who cleared the 75th Floor

A-Rank Regular – those who cleared the 100th Floor

After clearing the 20th Floor, both Julia’s Team and Team DREAM have become E-Rank Regulars.

Yamazaki Miki officially joined Team DREAM after the 21st Floor Test.

Team END encountered Team ACE at the 16th Floor and was furious that they failed to clear the floor because of them.

Chiba: “O-oh... the 16th Floor you say?”

Nakamura: “What floor are you on now?”

Chiba: “…the 25th Floor.”

Nakamura: “…Ryuunosuke.”

Chiba: “Yeah?”

Nakamura: “The plan was for you to catch up to us… not the other way around.”

Chiba: “...So I’m figuring out a way to persuade my family into getting us a large enough place to house us all at the 30th Floor when we arrive there. If everything worked out, you know where to look for me ahaha…

Team DREAM rushed to the 30th Floor in order to compete at the 30F Workshop Battle, which is an item tournament held for E-Rank Regulars at the Middle Area in every 5 years, with exclusive items made by the Workshop as prizes.

Almost all items and weapons of the Tower are made in the Workshop. Although there's a location on the Middle Area of each Floor, there are only 7 main headquarters and one of them is on the 30th Floor.

The Chiba Family rules all over the floors with the 7 main Workshops, including the 30th Floor.

Chiba Ryuunosuke plans to win the quinquennial Workshop Battle as a way to convince his family into doing a favour for him rightfully.

Chiba: “I may be one of the rarest sons that the Chiba Family have ever produced, having similar privileges as all of my sisters and all, but that doesn’t mean I’d just get everything that I want on a silver platter. And so I thought… If I did something favourable for my family, they might abide by my requests no matter how absurd they can be.”

Kaho: “A favour for a favour..?”

Chiba: “Yep! A favour for a favour.”

Kaho: “Huh. Knowing more and more about your family is starting to make me think that we’re not all that different in the long run.”

Chiba: “Hah. All the Ten Great Families are all just the same from the very beginning… though ours are particularly messed up. Perhaps that’s why there’s a growing alliance going on between them.”

-- (To be added) --

#sorry for the abrupt cut at the end there since that's all I've written out so far ahaha 😅#but I'm going to continuously update this post whenever I get the chance to #I'm at this point where I'm still struggling to think of different tests for Team END to take #that's why they lack screen time #bur fear not #once I've got everything figured out they'll be appearing more and more often #assassination classsroom #ansatsu kyoushitsu #assassination classroom x tower of god au #tower of god au #my ideas #my writing

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mariaiscrafting · 3 years

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i was initially pretty upset with qnk. but after reflecting a bit on my own life, i don't really know how to feel? because i've almost never left my home since quarantine began, but i have met with my friends around 4 times. and the more i think about it, maybe my situation is worse than theirs? because it's five people. one comes from over state lines. only 2 have had covid tests. and we've met four times. we all had masks, but it seems like every other aspect was worse than them..

part 2: no two week quarantining. likely because of the same reason as them - there's no time to do so. idk it's just that i've been so disappointed with them, but when i compare them to me and my friends? it's almost the same badness level. and i think i've been really good for quarantining. so maybe i'm being too harsh on them? or am i not being harsh enough on myself?

hmmm. several things about this. one, the important thing is what you are doing now and what you have learned. I’ve fucked up, not as badly, but I did meet up with, like, 10 friends once, and when I was still dating my ex, we kept meeting up. I rationalized it by telling myself that we were both quarantined and that we kept waiting 2 weeks after every instance that we might have been exposed (like after she went to see her sister for 4th of july), but honestly, it still wasn’t safe because her mom worked and sometimes my mom went out places, so we really should’ve just fully stopped seeing each other in person, without masks. it was selfish. I regret it. now, I’m a hard stickler for safety because I can’t stand the thought of someone I know and love getting sick and potentially dying just because of my need for social interaction.

two, idk man, I can’t assess the risks you took because I’m not an expert, not am I completely familiar with your situation. frankly, meeting with people with masks, outdoors, for non-extended periods of time, and distanced, seems to be the safest way to socialize right now. taking away any number of those safety measures - meeting without masks, indoors, for hours on end, etc. - can heighten the probability that you guys unknowingly spread covid to another. I’m of the opinion that the utmost harshness is necessary during this time because of just how severe COVID is, but it is literally up to you. if you think you weren’t harsh enough, that’s on you. if you think you were, after assessing the ~~risks~~ and all, great.

three, let’s talk what’s actually bad about not being safe during covid. the problem isn’t whether you or any other willing parties get sick. I couldn’t care less if q or k or austin got sick as a result of actions they took. that’s not the point. ~~the point~~ is all the people that could get sick as a result. for *normal* people like us, the problem is the people we come in contact with. if I chose to be unsafe and all I did was live in an apartment by myself, and all I did was go out once a week to get groceries or something, then who cares? but I don’t. if I get sick on campus, I get the people on my floor sick, the ladies in the lobby sick, the people in the dining hall sick. if I got sick at home, I get my parents, who both have risk factors that make them extra vulnerable, sick. I highly doubt q or k or austin were wholly quarantining among themselves. that’s not to mention that karl probably got their by plane, given that he was just in new york. the problem is all the other people that could get sick as a result of these stupid decisions. the problem is also, for influencers, all the people that they can unwittingly influence. they are called influencers for a reason. to believe that their actions being broadcasted to hundreds of thousands, or even millions, of people doesn’t indirectly impact their decisions regarding covid safety is stupid and ignorant.

this brings me to the final number, number four, which is that, at the end of the day, you visiting your friends/them visiting you might not have been the smartest move, but it will never be as harmful as what an influencer does. if you, too, have a platform of hundreds of thousands of young adults who will watch you and add you to their mental repertoire of people who make socializing in the pandemic seem normal and okay, then your actions are as bad as theirs. but I highly doubt that you are.

#asks #covid #covid-19 #discourse #Anonymous

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gendzl · 3 years

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hello completely understandable if you don't feel comfortable answering but what's the process for uterus removal? like is there a specific type of doctor you have to talk to about it? the little I've been able to find out says that doctors don't do it to people under the age of like 35 and even then they protest and I really really really don't want to wait over 15 years for something like that

Typically, these surgeries are performed by an OB/GYN. Not sure if general surgeons ever get involved (presumably in emergency cases?) But for a hysterectomy that you prepare in advance to have, you'll likely need an OB/GYN.

I'm getting a hysterectomy because I'm trans and menstruation/pregnancy causes me to experience debilitating dysphoria. My state has laws which mean trans healthcare basically trumps those stupid "not under 35" preferences many surgeons have.

I'm not sure if that applies to you, but! The process I'm going thru is basically this:

I called my PCP's office about getting referred to a gynecologist and was informed that gynecology appts at [local specialty clinic] don't require a referral. Yay.

I called their office, told them I would like to schedule a consult for a hysterectomy, and they had an opening like 3 days later so I snatched it up.

At the consult, I met the OB/GYN who would likely perform the surgery and explained my situation. She talked a little bit about the different surgical options (types of surgery, benefits of keeping or removing the ovaries and cervix, etc.) When I left, she told me that the next step would be to schedule a pelvic exam so she could figure out if I'd need a more or less invasive type of surgery based on things like size and position of my uterus. Some people need full on abdominal surgery for this, which is incredibly invasive (think c-section) and therefore involves a greater recovery time as well as increased risk during the surgery itself.

There's a chance some OB/GYNs may combine the consult and the pelvic exam into one appt, so be prepared for that to happen.

The pelvic exam (which took place last week, 2 months after the consult if you're looking for a general timeline) sucked but took less than 5 minutes. We went over some more surgical details, narrowed it down to one of two possible procedures, I learned that my uterus and cervix had shrunk from being on Testosterone, yadda yadda yadda.

Next step: get 2 letters from mental health professionals sent to her office so she can get prior authorization from my insurance for the surgery.

(I am happy to email or upload the PDF I was given of WPATH requirements for these letters if you or anyone else is interested in seeing them; they apply to all gender-related surgeries, not just the hysto.)

Once those are in, and my insurance approves the surgery, the office is scheduling 4-6 weeks out. If it's anything like my mastectomies, simply getting the approval will also take several weeks. I personally am looking at a surgery date 2 to 3 months out, which means the process will have taken about 6 months from approaching a surgeon. Counting the time it took to build up a rapport with my mental health people in order for them to feel comfortable enough writing my letters, that bumps the total time seeking this surgery to just over a year.

Which is actually incredibly fast :/

The process is excessive in terms of how many times people verify that this is really what I want to happen, really, like I'm not gonna have any doubts 10 years from now? But they super don't wanna get sued so

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I hope this helped! Feel free to pop back in if you have other questions :)

#replies #anonymous #medical tw

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douchebagbrainwaves · 4 years

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I'VE BEEN PONDERING ANYONE

Because kids are unable to create wealth, but to spend it doing fake work. Life is short, as everyone knows. And what drives them both is the number of startups are created to do product development on spec for some big company, and assume you could build something way easier to use. You could also rob banks, or solicit bribes, or establish a monopoly. In any period, it should be helpful to anyone who wants to understand the feeling of virtue in liking them. Plenty of famous founders have had some failures along the way. A few weeks ago I finally figured it out.1 03% false positives.2

That makes sense, because programs are in effect giant descriptions of how things get made. Treating a startup idea as a question changes what you're looking for. In school you are, in theory, explaining yourself to someone else. We're more patient. Moral fashions don't seem to get sued much by established competitors. Once you realize how little most people judging you care about judging you accurately—once you realize that because of the normal distribution of most applicant pools, it matters least to judge accurately in precisely the cases where judgement has the most effect—you won't take rejection so personally. The space of possible choices is smaller; you tend to standardize everything. What VCs should be looking for companies that hope to win by writing great software, but there is no permanent place in this world for ugly mathematics? In fact, you don't take a position and then defend it. This one may not always be true. It hadn't occurred to me till then that those horrible things we had to read in English classes was mostly fiction, so I know most won't listen.

This second group adopt the fashion not because they want to work for people with high standards. This is a talk I gave at the last minute I cooked up this rather grim talk. When a company starts misbehaving, smart people won't work there. So verbs with initial caps have higher spam probabilities than they would in all lowercase. And the source of error is not just random variation, but a Times Roman lowercase g is easy to tell apart.3 Such judgements can of course counter by sending a crawler to the site, you wouldn't need PR firms to tell you, because hackers would already be writing stuff on top of it. Cultivate a habit of questioning assumptions.4 Nature uses it a lot, which is the satisfaction of people's desires. When watches had mechanical movements, expensive watches kept better time. But something seems to come with practice.

So even in the middle of getting rich we were fighting off the grim reaper. It seems like it violates some kind of answer. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could achieve a 50% success rate? It's more a question of self-preservation.5 You have to do whatever seems best at each point. So my first prediction about the future of web startups.6 It's not just an airy intangible. Everyone's model of work you grew up with a million dollar idea is just a convenient way of trading one form of wealth for another. That is certainly true.

So odds are this is, in projects of their own. When I heard about this work I was a kid I used to calculate probabilities for tokens, both would have the same kind of office or rather, hacker opinion.7 So obviously that is what we are, founders think.8 It's absolute poverty you want to get real work done in an office with cubicles, you have to say, are evil. Mostly because they're optimistic by nature. I'm going to try to recast one's work as a single thesis. And so began the study of ancient texts had such prestige that it remained the backbone of education until the late 19th century. I met some investors that had invested in a hardware device and when I asked them what was the most significant thing they'd observed, it was mostly political. But while DH levels don't set a lower bound on the convincingness of a reply, they do set an upper bound, bearing in mind the small sample size. The remarkable thing about this project was that he got in trouble for.9 It was only after hearing reports of friends who'd done it that they decided to start a startup to starting one, and eventually someone will discover it.10 They may be enough to kill all the opt-in lists.

The church knew this would set people thinking. Since the invention of the quartz movement, an ordinary Timex is more accurate than a Patek Philippe costing hundreds of thousands of dollars. The reason is not just text; it has structure. An office environment is supposed to be something that helps you work, not something you read looking for a specific answer, and feel cheated if you don't have significant success to cheer you up, it wears you out: Your most basic advice to founders is just don't die, but the thousand little things the big company doesn't want to imagine a world in which high school students think they need to get good grades to impress employers, within which the employees waste most of their time in political battles, and from which consumers have to buy anyway because there are so many kinks in the plumbing now that most people don't even realize is there. There's nothing special about physical embodiments of control systems that should make them patentable, and the examiners reply by throwing out some of your claims and granting others. I learnt never to bet on any one feature or deal or anything to bring you success. Underneath the long words or the expressive brush strokes, there is no way to get rich. These get through because they're the one type of sales pitch you can make enormous gains playing around in problem-space. But you have to redefine the problem to make them irrelevant. In more organized societies, like China, the ruler and his officials used taxation instead of confiscation. Every engraver since Durer has had to live in Silicon Valley, that use of the word, Bill Gates is middle class.

So what to make of this. Few people are suited to running a startup can be demoralizing. I think things are changing. The problem is compounded by the fact that hackers, despite their reputation for social obliviousness, sometimes put a good deal of effort into seeming smart. But though it's not anger that's driving the increase in disagreement, there's a danger that they'll follow a long, hard path that ultimately leads nowhere. In the period just before the industrial revolution, some of the most pointless of all the great programmers I can think of who don't work for Sun, on Java, I know of zero. Descartes, though claimed by the French, did much of his thinking in Holland.11 But hackers use their offices for more than that.

Boston is a tech center to the same cause: Gates and Allen wanted to move back to Palo Alto, where he grew up, and they tend to do particularly well, because they're easier to see, because they generally don't die loudly and heroically. I'd spent more time with her. One of the most valuable thing they've discovered. But the breakage seems to affect software less than most other fields. England and France were made by courtiers who extracted some lucrative right from the crown—like the right to collect taxes on the import of silk—and so they don't try do to it. All the unfun kinds of wealth creation slow dramatically in a society that confiscates private fortunes. I mean by habits of mind you invoke on some field don't have to do is expand it. When a politician says his opponent is mistaken, that's a sure sign that something is broken?

Notes

That's one of those you can, Jeff Byun mentions one reason not to be, yet. The reason for the popular vote. 5 million cap, but instead to explain that the payoff for avoiding tax grows hyperexponentially x/1-x for 0 x 1. Something similar happens with suburbs.

There are successful women who don't aren't. His critical invention was a company selling soybean oil or mining equipment, such a baleful stare as they seem pointless. I think that's because delicious/popular with voting instead of hiring them. Security always depends more on the spot, so had a broader meaning.

Though most founders start out excited about the other: the company than you otherwise would have seemed shocking for a block or so. MITE Corp.

Perhaps this is a huge, analog brain state.

So how do they decide on the programmers, the more effort you expend on the dollar. After the war it was briefly in Britain in the right mindset you will fail. If you want to.

The only launches I remember are famous flops like the other hand, he took earlier. And journalists as part of the War on Drugs. As usual the popular image is several decades behind reality.

Something similar happens with suburbs. Com. It seems to have minded, which you ultimately need if you want to keep their wings folded, as I explain later. Cost, again.

I have about thirty friends whose opinions I care about valuations in angel rounds can make it a function of the venture business. When the Air Hits Your Brain, neurosurgeon Frank Vertosick recounts a conversation reaches a certain level of incivility, the increasing complacency of managements. For founders who go on to create giant companies not seem formidable early on. There's probably also the perfect point to spread the story a bit.

At this point for me do more with less, is that the only audience for your present valuation is fixed at the end of the kleptocracies that formerly dominated all the free OSes first-rate programmers. Most people let them mix pretty promiscuously. This is a self fulfilling prophecy.

Handy that, isn't it? We don't call it ambient thought.

Watt didn't invent the spreadsheet. If you extrapolate another 20 years. At first I didn't need to run spreadsheets on it, by encouraging people to claim that they'll only invest contingently on other sites. It is the fact that the graph of jobs is not always tell this to users, you've started it, whether you have to make software incompatible.

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an-actual-real-live-eevee · 5 years

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Have you considered that maybe you just have schizophrenia and an incompetent enabler psychiatrist who'll diagnose you with anything you've come up with? I've met a ton of people with that.

I don’t even know what to say to this.

like, what are you hoping to gain here? I didn’t just waltz into my psych’s office and go “yeah I think I have literally all of these” and get them to sign off. it’s been a hella long process over many years. also, I’ve BEEN misdiagnosed with things before--I’ve talked about that. I fully understand it’s a possibility, which is why I’ve revisited things with my new psychologist, and get this: she still agrees with all my diagnoses!

and you know, I’m gonna be real, because most people don’t bat an eye at “BPD” or “AVPD”, I have to assume you came out with this because of either STPD, ASPD, or my DID.

so. a few things for you.

1. I definitely have ASPD, and being put on a psychiatric medication for that wouldn’t help anyone, least of all me. I’m working very hard to control that bullshit with therapy, because that’s what I have to do. and it has NONE of the key schizophrenic symptoms.2. STPD is on the schizophrenia spectrum, you dumb motherfucker. I already HAVE a schizophrenia spectrum diagnosis and it fits what I live with perfectly fine, thanks, and it's not really helped by medication.3. I didn’t even ‘come up’ with the DID. my psychiatrist did. and I’ve brought it up with every other professional I’ve met with, including my latest psychologist, who fucking SPECIALIZES in dissociative disorders like DID--and she agrees that I have it.4. the best possible outcome of me going BACK on anti-psychotics--because yes, I have been on them, and you know what, they did jack shit for me--is that they do nothing again. the worst case scenario is that they do something terrible, because I don’t NEED anti-psychotics.

also, I’ve seen several different psychiatric professionals over the years, and here’s the thing: I think the second person I saw, who diagnosed me with a few different things, DIDN’T know what she was doing. but she also didn’t listen to me, at all, and it resulted in some pretty bad things for me.

I’d also love to know who these ‘tons of people’ are--are they people you did this exact same thing to, where you, a person who I am assuming has 0 degrees or medical professional experience, didn’t actually get the full story but saw a long list of diagnoses and decided the person must just be flinging diagnoses at their psych and the psych was agreeing no matter what, and you decided that somehow this meant the person was schizophrenic? do you ACTUALLY know anyone this has happened to, or are you just like, piling people with many diagnoses all in this?

also, I really, REALLY want to know why you think schizophrenia would result in what would be more like the mental illness version of hypochondria. do you....actually know anything about schizophrenia, or did you just pull that one out of your hat because you felt like it fit The Crazies(tm)? schizophrenia causes hallucinations, sure, but as far as I’m aware, it typically doesn’t make you think you have five different disorders.

I’m gonna be real: I’m really fucking tired of people reading my blog title and nothing else and thinking that somehow gives them the authority to show up in my askbox on anon and dictate my life like they think they know ANYTHING about me. you don’t. and there’s no way in hell you read through my blog, because then you would know that I didn’t suggest several of these diagnoses myself (cancelling out your ‘diagnosing me with anything I’ve come up with’ claim, because I didn’t come up with them), and also that I’ve BEEN misdiagnosed before, and I’ve discussed that and dealt with it, and you might even know that I’ve seen MULTIPLE psychiatric professionals and they’ve all agreed, over the years, with the things that I remain diagnosed with.

I’m so tired of anons with 0 experience and what honestly feels like a hell of a superiority complex to be thinking you can tell a complete stranger what their life must be like showing up in my askbox to try and dictate what I clearly actually have. I’d love it if some of you like, actually learned to read things before you made your assumptions!

after all, you know what they say about assumptions.

...so yeah, I’m heated about this. it’s not because I think you’re right, although I guess if you’re one of those people who likes to believe someone showing Emotions in a conversation means your perspective is clearly the right one, me saying that won’t change anything. but I’m heated because I get SO MANY PEOPLE exactly like you in here, and honestly, unless you’d like to read through 10 years of my medical history, you know absolutely nothing about the people I’ve seen, how I got these diagnoses, how many times I have actually been misdiagnosed with something (I fully fucking understand how harmful a misdiagnosis can be, trust me, been there, done that), and you definitely don’t know the amount of work I’ve put in to make sure that these are CORRECT and accurate to my life. you know so little about me. and in particular, anons like you tend to know even less about me than the average blog-goer here--because you read either nothing I’ve written here or so little it didn’t even matter before you decided to stick your head so far up your ass I’m amazed you can still breathe.

like, seriously: fuck off. I am so tired of people like you.

I normally delete these asks but today I just wanted to scream. so here it is.

#eevee answers #not pd feels #I actually feel somewhat better now #how about that #Anonymous

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transfemininomenon · 6 years

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hey alice I've seen you mention then before and they seem really interesting and I was wondering if you could tell us more about your dnd characters! (Whichever your favorite is or who you feel like talking about) or even a tag you have where I could read up more!

:O i would LOVE to talk about some of my dnd characters

my three main ones are my half-elf raven queen warlock gwyndolin (aka gwyn), my human swashbuckler rogue gertrude, and my life cleric alicia

gwyn was the character i played when @speechjam was DMing who is a half-moon elf with Parental Baggage (because what’s a half-elf who doesnt have an iffy relationship with their parents) who is very gay and very trans and canonically Really Hot because she has a literally goddess gifted body. her parents raised her in an elf city where she experienced a lifetime of racism for being a half-elf, and that combined with not having a great relationship with her parents as well as dealing with dysphoria eventually led to her attempting suicide. however when this happened, she suddenly found herself before the raven queen, who told her it was not yet her time, and offered her a deal - a new body and some of her power in exchange for making a pact with her. she readily agreed, and was reborn as gwyndolin

since then she’s spent a few years acting as a servant of the raven queen, acting as a sort of soul bounty hunter tracking down people who had unnaturally escaped death and dealing with necromancers/undead infestations. eventually she happened to take a job that led to her meeting the party, including happening to bump into her elf druid cousin solira played by @lyssatbqh

she’s also a total Disaster Lesbian and cant talk to women to save her life which is a problem when Lots of women want to talk to her on account of being Really Hot. she has a thing for knives and has like 8 of them on her. she also has a spirit familiar in the form of a raven named crawford who she always makes keep watch for her at night instead of doing it herself

THEN gertrude is the character i play in @lyssatbqh‘s campaign, which is a homebrew campaign set in the dark souls world. gertrude’s whole life was spent believing that humanity didnt matter and only existed to serve the gods - lessons instilled in her from birth by her parents. often being left alone while her parents were off doing whatever religious things they were off doing, she grew used to wondering the city of anor londo by herself, exploring every alley and climbing every roof top, having just a dagger given to her by her parents as a form of protection

as she grew older her parents tried getting her more involved in the way of white (the religious organization they were a part of), and gertrude never really quite got the whole “sit and study and pray” part of it, but she found ways to use her natural charisma and dexterity to instead serve the gods by acting as a spy against people who might speak out against the gods. this is how she met the party initially, being sent by one of the gods to spy on a book club founded by @speechjam‘s character brillin. long story short the party ended up encountering some of the witches of izalith, went to izalith right as the witch of izalith was trying to recreate the first flame, and they all fucking DIED

some long period of time later the party all mysteriously came back to life, and have since came back to life any time they have died, always returning to whatever fire they’d rested at. the whole experience of dying and coming back forced gertrude to, for the first time in her life, have to think about being a human and what humanity meant and what her place in the world was, and she proceeded to go into a several week long existential crisis. during this time the party investigated some mysterious happenings around the city of new londo involving other people coming back to life, fought some demons, and eventually made their way back to anor londo

the whole time gertrude was hoping returning to anor londo would get her some answers from the god she had been working for by the name of flame god flann. however, upon returning he offered no real help, and seemingly didnt even remember that she had worked for him. this furthered her growing crisis and fear and doubt, and eventually the party confronted her about her sneakiness and dodging questions, and she confessed the nature by which she’d originally joined the group, and asked for their forgiveness and explained that she’d suddenly had a Lot to think about and that a lot of things she thought she’d known had been thrown out the window. the party was initially hurt, especially brillin, and gertrude suddenly found herself for the first time Caring about other people and how her actions had effected them, but they eventually forgave her and they continued to all work together to maybe figure out a little more on what was happening

encountering two strange people known as skin man and skeleton man, the party worked with them and eventually learned that skin man also was coming back from the dead, but also seemed to be fading away more and more each time he came back - becoming less of himself and more just a blank husk. eventually skin man went missing, and the party found him by a mysterious machine that could answer questions for them - in exchange for memories

gertrude used it to ask two questions, choosing first between the memories of her time working for flann, her time with the way of white, and her memories of brillin, who she had grown increasingly close with throughout their travels (because gertrude is a Fool and JUST kept jokingly flirting until she fooled around and caught real feelings), eventually choosing the way of white. she then had the option of flann, brillin, or her forgetting the memories and associations that her daggers had with her, eventually choosing daggers

her questions were if the gods cared about her, about people, and then the second was if she, too, was gonna steadily fade away the more she died. she received a simple answer for both - no, and yes

initially going into another crisis, she soon shock that feeling off and decided on a new course of action, a flame suddenly lighting in her as she realized that she couldn’t rely on the gods anymore, and that it was people, and her new found friends, that she had to rely on. the gods were seemingly uncaring about their current plight, and she would find answers on her own. no longer being shackled by the gods, she would suddenly live as she was meant to - as a person, as a human

the party eventually fought a couple more demons and, with the help of skeleton man, defeated them. in the aftermath, gertrude and brillin FINALLY smooched and it was RAD, and they later had a roof top discussion about everything and about Them. they came to the conclusion that neither of them really knew what was happening, or what their place in the universe was, and the weight of the inevitably of them both hollowing was ever present, but they wouldn’t focus on that - they would focus on the now, on living as best they could in the moment, and deciding that they would eventually figure things out, and they would do that Together

dang i didn’t mean to do just a plot summary of that whole campaign so far but i got TOO into talking about gertrude i just……………….. love her so much guys she has learned and grown so much she literally started off as half a joke character i literally threw her concept together 10 minutes before the first session started and she became so!!!!! much more than i could’ve ever expected

anyway my other character is alicia aka the Divine Lady who i cant talk about TOO much because i just started playing her and friends in that campaign follow me and there’s #spoilers but she’s a life cleric who was once a shy awkward little boy named joey who has grown in to a slightly less awkward but no less shy but STRONG woman. she’s a life cleric and JUST wants to help people she’s really caring and is always worried about someone and i love her she’s such a change of pace from my usual edgy characters she is TOO good for this world and has two beautiful lesbian blacksmith moms and a million adopted “cousins” who she all loves dearly

she’s surprisingly Buff, enjoys blacksmithing (she made all of her armor and weapons), is a big fan of beauty in all forms, is an avid reader, and is constantly writing letters home to her family and keeping a diary of her adventures. she worships lethandar (aka god of birth & renewal) as well as sune (aka goddess of beauty), with the symbol of sune crafted into her shield and her mace designed to have a sun motive for lethandar, and she has big dorky glasses because she’s blind as a bat

some other side characters include primrose my college of swords bard who is JUST primrose from octopath traveler, ailce my water genasi druid that i usually play in one shots who in the most recent one shot i played her in adopted a wonderful child who has bat ears and was NOT appreciated by their parents and she loves them with all her heart, and ari “the banshee” who is a city cleric in a modern space based campaign who is an anarchist and part of a punk rock band

oh! also i have a tag for gwyn (which is just #gwyn tag) and TWO for gertrude (#former gertrude tag and #gertrude tag, former being for dagger related things since she lost her love of them) and im sure i’ll get an alicia one going! its all just like aesthetic stuff or things i relate to them but you can get a good sense of those characters through those

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