#and that kinda shit is hard to forget or move past even when it all turns out mostly okay in the end

[densewentz]

do i think crowley has been filling the bookshop with fire extinguishers as a way to sooth what is probably a wild case of celestial ptsd in regards to the trauma of running into the burning bookshop and thinking his husband best friend had been killed in season 1? yes i do

#headcanoning that he just brings one with him when he comes in and aziraphale doesn't bring it up #like look yes the bookshop burned and its the heart of aziraphale but #aziraphale NEVER actually witnessed that part #adam had fixed it so quickly after #i mean crowley had to TELL him #in the most defeated agonized tone ever btw thank you dt #it probably reads like a cautionary tale but #but crowley oh poor crowley #crowley watched the heart of his love burn to the ground #ran into the heat and the stink of burning paper and the sound of breaking glass and left a piece of himself there to burn with it #for him that moment was REAL #and that kinda shit is hard to forget or move past even when it all turns out mostly okay in the end #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens spoilers

[enhaheeseung]

Here to stay - L. Heeseung

Pairing: heeseung X fem reader!

Warning: mentions of sex, angst, heartbreak, fluff, crying.

Genre: fuck buddies, smut, mdni!

WC: 2,881k maybe a little more

Continuation of “Come & Go”

It's been one month since heeseung blocked you.

One whole month.

It was weird not hearing from you. It felt even more weird not getting up at two in the morning to run to your place and pleasure you.

Because he had cut all ties with you, he was sleeping earlier these days, but funny enough. His body was still waking him up at 2 in the morning, the time you'd usually call for him.

He felt pathetic cause his body was betraying his willpower to move on from you. Even if he was fighting for his mind to be occupied elsewhere, his heart still ached for you.

He was currently lying in bed, his phone clutched in his hand tightly, thumb itching to unblock your number.

"Fuck” he curses out loud and shuts his phone off, trying his best to respect the deal he made with Jay and ultimately trying to get over you, but it was so damn hard.

After nearly a year of being with you, it felt impossible to forget you. It felt impossible to move on with his life and find someone who would respect and love him for who he is and not just his body.

But fuck if he had to choose between you and true love, he's definitely picking you. Yeah, it hurt to be cast aside after being used by you, but it hurt so good that he'd always go back for more and more until you finally had your way and were done with him.

"Laying in bed all day isn't going to help" Jay opens his bedroom door without even knocking.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out after the first week." heeseung rolls his eyes and sits up against his bed frame.

"The guys and I are going out. Do you want to come?" Jay fiddles with the lock on the doorknob.

"I'll pass." heeseung runs his fingers through his messy hair, sighing deeply.

"Well, the guys were hoping you could come so…" Jay murmurs.

"I'll make it up to all of you later. I still just need some time," Jay nods in understanding.

"Take your time." Jay slowly backs out of heeseung's room and closes the door silently.

"I just need some time," Heeseung quietly repeats to convince himself that all he needs is time, but even when he says it out loud, something in the pit of his stomach just doesn't feel right.

-

You sighed as you sat down at your desk at work, completely stressed out of your mind.

You could already tell you were going to have a headache when you got home tonight cause today has been nothing but a shit day.

It's one of those days where, just a month ago, you'd already be planning to call heeseung over so he could work his magic on your body and take all your stress away.

But no, because he blocked you cause he wanted more from you, and when he saw he wasn't getting it, he knew when to walk away.

You hate how you took him for granted. He was a great guy, amazing at sex and even better at cuddling you, and he also wasn't shy about making his like for you known.

You were just a piece of shit that disregarded him as a person with feelings and only saw him for what he could give to you, which was mind-blowing sex.

If you could have a do-over, then you surely would, one where you confessed to him and realized your feelings for him a whole hell of a lot sooner.

But you let your fear of being lied to and cheated on get in the way of your true happiness.

But could you even be blamed? Every man you were with did that to you, hence why you gave up on relationships and only had sexual transactions now.

But even you have to admit that Lee heeseung wasn't like Every Man. unfortunately, it took you too long to figure that out, and now here you are, heartbroken again because you let the past ruin your future. You did your best to stop that from happening and it still wasn't enough.

At least now a great guy like him could find someone who cared about him and loved him the way he deserved instead of someone like you who hid your feelings and was only going to confess after a whole year of practically using his body.

It hurt, but you hope he's happy with someone that's his equal and not a total piece of shit like you.

Who are you kidding?

It's not that simple; you wish it was, but you were going to be feeling this pain for days, if not months. Yeah, it was selfish of you to still want him around even after you played with his feelings for years, but it couldn't be helped.

If only you could have realized that he was worth taking a chance on months ago, maybe he'd be your boyfriend, maybe you'd be living together, maybe you'd be married and planning to have a family and live happily ever after.

The thought brings tears to your eyes, so you push your fairytale ideas to the side, focusing back on work before all your co-workers notice you shedding a few tears.

-

Another week had gone by, and heeseung felt the same. He knows they say it takes three months to get over someone, but how could he stay away from you that long? It was impossible, and that's why he's sneaking out of his and Jay's shared apartment to go to your place; being away from you was killing him inside. Even if you'd only use his body for sex and kick him out, it was still better than not being able to see or touch you at all.

He arrived some odd minutes later and jogged up the stairs to your building, heart racing in his chest, and he just hoped you wouldn't turn him away. He hopes you still at least just want him for sex. That'd be enough for him. Just knowing that you wanted something from him would be enough. He knows it's pathetic. He knows he deserves better, but he wants you, and he doesn't care if that makes him a loser. All he cares about is you.

The clock had just hit 2 in the morning, and you didn't know why you were holding your phone as if you could call him still, but you were. Maybe it was muscle memory, or maybe it was the only thing holding your emotions in check.

You laughed at yourself pathetically, but deep down, a part of you felt like you deserved this pain, and with that thought, you set your phone aside as the silence crept up on you, and instead of wallowing in self pity you were just going to go to sleep and wait for tomorrow so you could feel all these emotions again just this time it'd be a new time and a new date.

The knock on your door stops you in your tracks on your way to your bedroom you shake your head in disbelief because now you were even hallucinating the familiar sound of his knock.

You continued to walk to your bedroom until you heard it again and again, and there was no way that was just a hallucination, especially when the knocks became more frequent.

Heeseung was relentless outside your door. He wasn't going to stop until you let him in. He's sure you probably saw him outside the peephole by now, and he's not sure if you still even care to answer since he was the one who blocked you but fuck it, he was here now, and he wasn't taking no for an answer he needed you, and he needed you tonight.

He heard a soft click, the same one he always heard when you unlocked the door for him. His knocks came to a halt when he saw a faint light peaking through the crack of your door, and within a second, he stepped inside and slammed the door shut behind him, closing any type of personal space you once had. "Heeseun-" he doesn't even let you speak before he's jumping your bones, hands squeezing your waist as his lips met yours in a rushed kiss.

"Sorry I blocked you," he breathes out against your lips, still holding you tightly so you can't slip through his fingers. "Sorry I stopped coming, sorry I didn't answer," you moan into the kiss, hands strongly gripping his shoulders as you try to grasp what's happening.

You were shocked to see him, but you couldn't comprehend anything before you were making out with him, and right now, nothing else mattered but your lips working in perfect sync with each others.

"It was my friend's idea" he started trailing kisses down your neck, his large veiny hands cupping your tits roughly, causing you to arch your back and press yourself closer to him. "Said I should stop seeing you." he nibbled the skin of your neck as you moaned quietly. "But I couldn't. No matter how much you use me, I still want you," he whispers in your ear, his hot breath leaving a tingle running down your spine.

"Wait," you tell him breathlessly and push his shoulders, creating some distance between the two of you.

"Can't." he steps closer, lips pressing roughly against yours until you push him back again. "Please, I'll do anything. Please, just don't kick me out," he begs in a whiny voice. "I don't care if you only want me for sex. As long as you want me, that's enough."

"Heeseu-" he leans into you, his voice wobbly as he says the words he's been wanting to say for what feels like forever.

"I love you." he presses his face against your neck, inhaling your scent as his arms naturally wrap around you.

You hear him sniffle softly, and your heart breaks because none of what he was saying was how you felt, maybe in the very beginning, but definitely not now. "Hey," you cup his cheeks, making him look up at you, his watery eyes boring into your own. "I don't just want you for sex, okay, you're so much more than that, and I can't believe I'm saying this cause I never thought I'd utter the words again but fuck heeseung, I love you too. I love you so much," you whisper, hands running along his neck soothingly.

That's it. Lee heeseung had finally broken all your walls and infiltrated your heart. You thought they were impenetrable, but it turns out all you needed was someone who actually truly cared about you and not someone who was just using you for their own satisfaction.

He looks back and forth between your eyes, obviously confused by your words, and you laugh lightly because of his cute expression. "You don't have to say that just because I di-" You shut him up with one long-awaited meaningful kiss.

He was beyond happy to hear you saying those words to him, but this couldn't be real, could it? He must still be back at his apartment, dreaming of this moment that he had dreamt of a million times.

But your next words proved otherwise. "I know it's sudden, baby, I know, but I love you," You peck his cute pouted lips. "I just couldn't bring myself to tell you how I truly felt. I've been hurt so many times in the past, and I was just scared to move on with you, but I should have seen you were different from the start. I should have never strung you along and played with your feelings. I'm so sorry for everything, and I'm just so happy you're here now, and I can tell you how much you mean to me. You're so perfect, Lee Heeseung," you told him sincerely while stroking his soft cheek with your thumb, eyes full of nothing but love. "And I would be the luckiest girl on the planet to have all your love, and if you're willing to give me another chance, I want to give that same love back to you."

He's grinning from ear to ear, elated by the three words you just confessed to him.

He expected this to go so much differently than it has, but he wouldn't want it any other way. He can't believe you loved him back, like you actually felt the same way for him as he felt about you, and that was absolutely mind-blowing. And now that he thinks about it, he needs to have more than just a few words with Jay, but that could wait till later. Right now, he's gonna enjoy this surreal moment with you, the love of his life.

"Can you say all that again? You lost me at I love you," he chuckles, squeezing you in his arms tightly.

You giggle while nodding and repeating every single thing you said, and he listens very, very intently, his eyes sparkling as he looks at you with so much love.

"So maybe you can prove it to me in your room on your bed. How does that sound?" He scrunched his face up, laughing softly as you nodded your head shyly. "Yeah?" He grins.

"Yeah, I'll prove that and so much more, my love," you whisper seductively, and he visibly goes red, causing you to bite down on your lip to hold back your smile, and you can't help but think he looks so good all shy like that.

How did you ever get so lucky for him to give you another chance?

"God, I'm so happy," he sighs dreamily, staring at you with nothing but pure love in his eyes, and you felt so full knowing that he cared about you so much and was never shy to express it.

He picks you up in his arms, carrying you to bed. "I love you." he pecks the tip of your pretty nose, laying you down gently on your bed and hovering above you. "So much," he adds while leaning down and connecting your lips with his.

"I love you more." You smile so hard your cheeks start to hurt. "And for the record, you make me happier."

"Hey!" He whines cutely. "You make me the most happy."

And who were you to argue with that? Especially when his soft pink lips were colliding so perfectly with yours.

-

It was the morning after you and heeseung were lying down in bed together, his arm around you while your head rested on his bare chest. "Morning," you whisper, looking out the window and tickling his chest with your fingertips.

"Hmm, morning lovely," he chuckles and wraps his other arm around you. "Love you," he says with his raspy morning voice.

"Love you too." You kissed his chest all over, hearing him giggle from below you.

It's funny how it had been years since you said those words to a love interest, but with him, it just came so naturally, like you had been saying it for years.

"I gotta make it up to you, hee," you pout, tracing the faint line between his pecs.

"No baby, this is enough. Just you and me here now is all that matters," he assures you, but that's not good enough. He deserves the world.

"I know, but I want to do something for you," you tell him seriously.

"You don't take no for an answer, hmm?" He smiles.

"Not this time," you say matter-of-factly.

"Tell me what you want to do for me, baby. You were already amazing last night; I don't know what more I could ask for." You blush, hearing his words and feeling little butterflies erupt in your stomach. No one has ever talked to you as sweetly as he has. "Plus, you told me your side, and I understand it's hard, but I promise you I'll treat you right love, be the man you deserve."

"Oh, hee." You looked up at him, and your eyes started to water.

"It's only what you deserve" he taps your nose, making you smile, and now you want to give this man the whole world.

"That's it get ready," you tell him and hop off the bed. You were going to take him anywhere he wanted, buy him whatever he wanted, wine, and dine him the whole nine yards. Whatever he wanted, it was his, no questions asked.

"Okay, baby, but first, come take a picture with me so I can send it to Jay." You hop back in bed and take a cute picture of you both hiding under the sheets, with only your eye smile showing he sent it. Caption it: my girlfriend and me.

"Girlfriend?" You ask him.

"Don't act surprised. You know it was coming sooner or later," he laughs.

"Boyfriend!" You cheer after a few moments of letting this set in and tackle him in the biggest hug ever.

"I like the sound of that. Say it again, baby." you both smile, looking at each other completely lovestruck.

Heartbreak comes and goes, but this love is here to stay.

[END]

Thanks so much for reading! Please leave feedback. I love you all and hope you enjoyed it since everyone was asking for a lot.2 lol🖤

Anyone who wants to be on the perm tag list or regular just lmk cause I keep forgetting.

#enhypen heeseung #enhypen #heeseung #lee heeseung #enha heeseung #engene #heeseung smut #enhypen smut #enhypen hard hours #enhypen lee heeseung smut #lee heeseung angst #lee heeseung smut #heeseung angst #heeseung fic #heeseung fluff #heeseung x reader #heeseung fanfic

[kazumist]

EPISODE 28 ✿ WHY WOULDN'T I MISS YOU?

YOU + ME = LOVE — A DILUC SMAU

masterlist / prev ep / next ep / wc: 682.

you didn’t know how or why, but somehow, your feet brought you to the same place you and diluc last spoke before he graduated. the night air was cold yet also relaxing for someone like you, who has a lot on their mind.

“hey,” you hear an all too familiar voice behind you. even after all these years, your hearing knows exactly what he sounds like.

“what are you doing here?”

if you could use two words to describe your situation right now, it would be fucking awkward. what are you even supposed to do? the man you loved when you were seventeen is suddenly back, like nothing happened (then again, nothing really happened between the two of you). do you say hi? do you ask him how he’s been for the past seven years? 

do you walk away again, just like that day?

“... how are you lately?” hesitation leaks from his tone.

“fine. you?”

“i’ve been well.”

can this get any worse? it’s just so awkward—you might as well crawl into a hole and die rather than face your (greatest love) stupid first love from back then.

“i… i read your email.” shit. you’re probably going to regret saying that.

“oh? i’m glad.”

seven years. seven years since you both lost contact. seven years ever since diluc ragnvindr crashed into your life. seven years, ever since you two were just having your own fun in the library (though the nostalgia makes it feel like it only happened yesterday).

it has been seven years since you fell in love with him.

you nodded to him, avoiding eye contact. “i was… quite hesitant to open it back then, really. and once i’ve read it, i had no idea what to feel. was i supposed to feel ecstatic because my feelings were actually reciprocated? or was i supposed to hate you because you made me believe in love yet you didn’t even bother trying out long distance?” you said, sighing. “i really did love you, you know. i may have been seventeen and a tad bit dumb, but i knew enough that my feelings were real.” 

“because you will always be my first love.”

it was silent for a moment. “cliche, isn’t it?” you chuckled weakly. why are you even telling him all of this? what a way to let him know that you never really moved on after all this time.

“no, it isn’t cliche,” diluc hesitantly replies.

“really? how so?”

“because.. i marked your email as one of my favorites so that whenever i was missing you, i’d read it” he replies.

 your head perked up when you heard that, and your eyes immediately met his. “you… missed me?”

“why wouldn’t i miss you?”

“i… i  thought you found someone else when you moved… i thought you forgot about me—about everything—and had some sort of life restart abroad,” you stammered. diluc takes a step towards you as your mind starts replaying that day again.

a hand travels to your cheek, cupping it ever so gently. he’s scared to lay a hand on you again. but for diluc, he thinks he might not get any opportunity like this ever again. his thumb grazes over your cheekbone slightly, minding his actions and making sure they don’t make you uncomfortable. and then he whispers:

“do you think that i could ever forget you?” his eyes don’t leave yours even for a second. “do you think that i would allow myself to be happy with someone else? when i have clearly promised you that i will come back for you?”

“after seven long years, (name), you’re still the one my heart calls for, and i don’t think that fact will ever change.”

“are you sure?” you asked him back in a whisper.

“positively.” 

fuck it.

you pulled him in for a kiss. it was gentle and slow as your hands traveled to his nape and pulled him closer. diluc’s hands placed themselves on your waist, and you could feel your heart beating hard. 

and just as diluc hoped, you did welcome him back with open arms.

extra notes.

reader is kinda marupok but hey thats diluc

not very girlboss but youll see a male lead the reader chasing soon in someone else's story <3

taglist (open): @ryuryuryuyurboat @g4bbyyy @kizakiss @quackimilktea @mochiboo123 @thystarsshine @cerisescherries @jamieexistss @the-ghost-0f-t0m0 @aethion @dottoreworld-page @naishite @sleepyeri @staaarhin @eroxotckv @kiyiiaarchived @fallenssun @lolmeowing @dorryx @astolary @kissingkzuha @axerrri @a1-ic3 @lottierulez @livelaughlovekuni @sorcerersseestars @whipped-for-fictionals @morganadorodo @briluvspnk @venderretta @xiaosoneandonly @angeilix @morgyyyyyyy @kazioli @the-massive-simp @qtange @tiredjxnna @yuminako @acheronie @sn1perz @akitokisser @siu-ssi @artri-ad @hyeinszn @saeskiss @bubblegum-angelquartz @boomie-123 @moni11032 @sandwichmyonetruelove @cherrybb-ily @itztaki @dontmindtheevie @hotgirlshit5 [1/2]

#( smau — you + me = love ! ) #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #genshin imagines #genshin smau #diluc ragnvindr x reader #diluc x reader #diluc smau #diluc #x reader

[sepulchralsmile]

give me your watchword, give me whatever you like

my harringrove relay race contribution following @kaizenkhaos! hope you all like!!

Well, it’s official. Steve has finally lost it.

And he thought he was doing so well, too. 

Forget all the probable brain damage from concussions over the years, all the times he’s dealt with the supernatural and alternate universes, every nightmare he’s had since junior year of high school. Sure, it wasn’t great, but he was still able to trust his own sanity, of all things.

At least until now.

Right now he’s almost completely certain he’s hallucinating. Because there is no way in hell he sees Billy fucking Hargrove on the dance floor at the gay bar he and Robin are in; shirtless and sweating and dancing. 

And like, the last time Steve saw Billy was right after Starcourt, when he was stuck in the government hospital all the way in Indianapolis. He’d driven Max there a couple times, when her step mom wasn’t feeling up to it, and had popped into Billy’s room maybe three times in total. Each time he went Billy was the same: quiet, pale, and looking entirely too fragile in the hospital bed. Not like the loud, boisterous, larger-than-life Billy Hargrove that he’d thought he’d known. They’d had a couple of stilted conversations— most of which consisted of Billy just staring at him— and that was pretty much the end of their interactions. About a month later he was transferred to Chicago, and then the only one to see him after that was just Max.

But he’d figured Billy would probably leave Chicago the second he was cleared and book it back home to California. Max was there with Lucas. Apparently, he’d stayed.

And apparently, he was at the same bar the exact same night Steve and Robin went. The same gay bar.

So, yeah. He’s officially lost his marbles. Sucks that it has to be now, like, right at this moment. But it was probably inevitable, to be honest.

“Hey!” Robin screams in his ear, leaning close and shoving a shot into his clammy palms. She’s been up at the bar for the last ten minutes, fighting against the crowd to get them drinks. She furrows her brows at whatever’s on his face. “What’s wrong? What’s with the look?”

Instead of answering right away, he throws the drink back first. Resists the instinct to ralph it back up immediately, focusing instead on swallowing through the burn down his throat. Fuck. He has to screw his eyes shut for a second and try to breathe through his nose. It’s been a while since he’s had tequila, but Robin’s been pushing him all night to just relax, so it figures that this is what she would poison him with.

It at least helps soften the edges of everything, so when he finally opens his eyes and blinks past the burn of alcohol, he’s brave enough to point across the room. “Tell me what you see, please. And be honest. Even if there’s no one there.”

Robin’s head swivels in the direction that he’s pointing, and her mouth immediately drops open, while his stomach sinks into his gut. No way. No fucking way.

“Holy fucking shit!” Robin screams, punching him in the shoulder, “That’s fucking Hargrove!”

“So you see him too?” He asks weakly, mouth clicking on a dry swallow. 

“Um, it’s kinda hard not to,” Robin rolls her eyes at him, shoving him in the chest this time. “I mean— just look at him.”

He is. Steve’s been staring at him this entire time. Billy’s still in the middle of the floor, just moving with the music, dancing with no one in particular. He’s completely shirtless; scars on full display but not looking like that’s bothering him in the slightest. He’s grinning to himself. There’s perspiration on his chest, making it shine when the strobe lights beat down on him. 

He looks the same as he did in high school but… bigger. So much bigger. No longer suffering from the extreme weight loss and muscle atrophy from Starcourt. His hair is glossy and shiny, reflecting the colors of the lights strobing around him. He looks so healthy, too, it’s like he’s practically glowing. Which could be the effect from the club’s lights— but he’s not entirely convinced. There’s no doubt about it: Billy looks good.

It’s all just making Steve hot under the collar, but it’s like he can’t look away. It’s just… fucking insane. That’s why he can’t stop looking. No other reason, at all.

When he turns back, Robin is watching him now— eyes narrowed in a way that only spells trouble for him. She opens her mouth, ready to say something that’s probably about to completely disrupt his entire existence and peace as he knows it.

“Do you think he knows it’s a gay bar?” Steve blurts before he can think better, screaming over the bass. Fuck, that shot is getting to him. His cheeks go warm.

Now Robin is looking at him like he’s the craziest thing in here. “Uh, yeah Steve. I’d say he probably knows this is a gay bar.” Her eyes narrow into slits and she leans in closer. “Why are you acting so weird?”

“Me?” 

“Yes, you!”

“He’s— he’s in a fucking gay bar!” He gestures towards Billy’s direction, verging on hysterical. Robin doesn’t seem to understand how fucking crazy this information is, though, laughing at him outright.

“I hate to point this out, honey— but we’re in a gay bar, too.”

“Yeah, but we’re—” he waves a hand in between them, “you know.”

She quirks a brow. “And what if he’s ‘you know’ too?”

He scoffs, shrugging her off. Refuses to even let himself start thinking in that direction. “No way.”

“Steve, he is literally in a gay bar,” she looks over his shoulder and her eyes get big and wide, “and he’s also coming this way, so. Look alive!”

He wheels around and— sure enough, there’s Hargrove. Making his way towards them, eyes pinned directly on Steve. Slinking over to them, smooth and deadly like a big cat; prowling like he’s just seen a tasty cut of meat. He doesn’t look mad, or anything, but the intensity is enough to have Steve backing into Robin. 

“We gotta go,” he hisses out the corner of his mouth, hand reaching behind him to find her.

But Robin, the fucking traitor, pushes him forward hard enough that he goes stumbling right into— oh, yep. That’s Billy’s chest. His naked chest. The one that’s hard as a rock with packed muscle. The sweaty one. And yeah, that’s definitely Billy holding him by the forearms and straightening him out. Oh, Christ. He’s so warm. This is so bad.

“Harrington,”  Billy drawls, grinning like the cat who got the canary. “Fancy seeing you here.”

Steve flaps his mouth open and shut for a couple seconds, desperately trying to find something to say that isn’t just holy shit holy shit holy shit. His voice is deeper than it was in high school. It’s currently Doing Things to Steve, right now. Billy just quirks the corner of his mouth up, amused, eyes roving over Steve’s face before settling on Robin behind him.

“Hey, Buckley,” he greets, like it’s no big deal, like they see each other every Tuesday, or some shit. “How’s it goin’?”

“Pretty good; just living life, all that jazz,” Robin babbles from behind him. Steve’s expecting the light push on his back this time, firmly fighting against it and staying in place instead of stumbling into Billy again. Gritting his teeth and trying to think past the pounding pulse in his neck.

“Good to hear,” Billy nods, eyes flicking to Steve to give him a full-body once over before shifting back to her. “Cat got Harrington’s tongue or something? I’ve been told I can make people speechless.” He tosses a wink her way, and Steve can hear her gagging audibly over the pounding bass.

“Are you gay?” he blurts out before he can stop himself. The second the words are out of his mouth he clamps his jaw shut, wishing there was some way he could wire it closed before he says mortifying shit like that. It’s just that… he has to know. He has to. Like, it’s not enough that Billy’s here— but he’s gotta hear the words too, like an extra form of assurance.

Turns out whatever he was worried for was all for nothing, though, because Billy just tosses his head back and laughs. A full on belly laugh, too, like this is the funniest shit he’s heard all week. Which, you know, is fair. And he’s not ashamed to admit it’s an attractive laugh, so.  Steve’s cheeks go even hotter, if it’s possible.

“Holy shit,” Billy wipes a tear from his eye, still giggling a little. Steve desperately tries not to hone in on that sound. “Damn, I needed that. Yeah, Harrington, I am. Which is why I’m celebrating my birthday in a gay bar.”

“It’s your birthday?” Steve latches on to the most random part of the statement, trying to get his head to stop spinning about the fact that Billy just came out like it was nothing. Like it’s not throwing his mind through an absolute loop. Completely erasing the previously formed perception of the macho, straight Billy Hargrove that he knew in high school. Upending his idea of reality as he knows it.

Billy’s grin is softer, now. It looks really good on him, Steve finds himself noticing. “Yeah, pretty boy, it is.” 

And— oh god, he hasn’t heard that in so long. That’s the only reason why he gets a full body shiver at the nickname.

Of course Billy notices, though, because his smile sharpens into something more deadly. He leans into Steve’s space, and it takes all of his self control not to pant like a dog at the combined scent of Billy’s sweat and cologne. It’s heady and overwhelming; making his nerves light on fire while his mouth gets wet. Fuck, this is bad. This is way bad. Billy’s canines look sharper in the pulsing overhead lights.

“So, Harrington,” he purrs, so close now it’s impossible not to hear him over the thumping bass. A shiver runs down Steve’s spine. “You gonna give me a birthday dance? A little present just for me?”

He’s pretty sure he short-circuits then. Just, like, goes completely offline while he stares at Billy, mouth hanging open like he’s trying to catch flies, or something. Of all the things he expected— it wasn’t that.

Billy just watches with an easy grin, one eyebrow going up as he glances over Steve’s shoulder.

“Should I take that as a no?” He asks Robin, teasing, “Or is going speechless a good sign?”

“A good sign!” Robin yells over his shoulder, before she leans forward into his ear and grabs him tightly around the biceps, “Say something, you idiot,” she hisses in his ear.

He fucking would if he could, okay? As it is, he’s having trouble even taking in air without choking and hacking on it like he’s deranged, or something. Billy Hargrove is offering him a dance. Scratch that: a gay, shirtless, indecently sweaty Billy Hargrove is offering him a dance.

Billy waggles his eyebrows. “Well?” One of his hands sweeps along Steve’s side, grazing his arm on the way down before landing on his waist. All the hairs on his body stand up, like he’s been electrified. “C’mon, pretty boy, don’t leave me hanging.”

And, like. God. That old nickname is really doing something for him. Makes him go hot all over, cheeks heating up under Billy’s gaze. Erasing any and all forms of higher thinking in his brain. It’s enough to make him nod at Billy, like he’s in a trance. Mouth going as dry as cotton and clicking with every swallow.

Luckily, Billy doesn’t seem to mind the fact that he’s gone nonverbal. He just flashes another smile at Robin with gleaming white teeth— something shark-like about it— and tugs on the hem of Steve’s shirt, dragging him out onto the dance floor.

Steve follows him, mouth still dry as dust and heart rabbiting in his chest. Trying to keep his breathing calm and steady. There’s so many bodies that they’re practically pressed together as they weave through the crowd, settling some place between the center of the dance floor and where Robin is standing on the outskirts, sending him a quick thumbs up when his anxious gaze catches hers across the room. Good luck! she mouths, making big eyes at him. Steve just swallows down his nerves and turns back to Billy.

Jesus, he used to be smooth. Once upon a time he was a real lady-killer with a silver tongue and an endless vat of confidence. Now he feels like a deer in headlights, waiting for Billy to make the first move.

And he does. One second he’s staring at Billy, motionless and tethered to the spot. Holding his breath in anticipation and waiting for whatever happens next. The next moment, Billy’s using his grip on Steve’s shirt to twist him around, so his back is plastered to Billy’s chest. Billy’s sweaty, naked chest. It’s like a firm brick wall behind him, making him shockingly aware of how easy it is to manhandle him around— also making him fucking salivate. Billy’s so goddamn strong, it feels like his head is spinning.

Before Steve can start fucking hyperventilating, Billy’s other hand falls to his hip. Both hands grip him tight, slipping under his t-shirt to touch his waist, skimming his fingers along the skin underneath lightly. His hands are so warm Steve’s pretty sure he’s about to spontaneously combust, or something. Deep breaths, he tries to tell himself, just keep taking deep breaths.

When Billy starts nudging him a little to move his hips, Steve goes with the movement. Sort of. He tries to sway to the beat, but he can barely hear past the roar of blood rushing in his ears. Can’t even hear the music playing. Trying not to seem like a robot, even though he’s shifting all stilted and weird like he’s never danced a day in his life before.

He’s just having a hard time getting out of his head, is the thing. It’s throwing him through fucking loop, trying to reconcile the image of Billy he’d had up until this point— and the knowledge that he’s been dead wrong probably this entire time. All he can think is a constant loop of holy shit, I’m dancing with Billy Hargrove in a gay bar. 

Behind him, Billy huffs into his ear. His hot breath ghosts down Steve’s nape, sending another round of goosebumps breaking out over his skin. “You okay, baby? Need some help?”

And. Wow, um. Okay.

He’s so caught off guard by the sheer wave of want lurching through his gut that he doesn’t even reply, just nods desperately and pushes himself closer to into Billy’s chest. Relishing the way Billy tightens his grip even more, moving his hips into a smooth, steady grind. Grumbling low and deep behind him, like he’s satisfied.

Steve should probably be ashamed of panting openly in the club, eyes shutting tightly as his jaw hangs loose. He can’t find it in himself to give a shit, though, especially when he can feel Billy’s ragged breaths on the back of his neck. Billy’s hands go from clenching the sides of his hips to smoothing down, lowering closer to his center, holding him around the front of his hip bones. Dragging fingers across his stomach in a way that makes Steve shake where he stands. Still firm and unyielding, physically dragging Steve back into the clutch of his hips as the bass around them pounds relentlessly.

He feels the light imprint of lips on the back of his neck, followed by the quick, darting lick of a tanuge.The frisson of white-hot heat that’s been building in his gut feels like it bursts through his stomach and spreads across the rest of his skin, making him shiver back into Billy’s grip and desperately scrabble at something to hold onto; eventually gripping Billy’s forearms and feeling the cord of muscle tighten under his fingers with each movement. 

Billy makes a choked noise behind him, right in Steve’s ear, making him feel wild. He can’t help but laugh out loud in disbelief as he recognizes the scene he’s currently in: pressed up against Billy Hargrove in a gay club grinding with his mouth open, looking all sorts of wanton. He doesn’t even wanna think if Robin’s still watching at this point. He’s almost close to no shame, pushing back into Billy’s grip and turning his head so their mouths are closer.

“Harrington,” Billy grounds out, and Steve hates how much he already misses pretty boy instead, “you’re driving me crazy, pressed up against me like that.”

“Yeah?” Steve’s breathless, feeling a little manic. Shoves his hips back into Billy’s while giggling all high and desperate. Trying to maybe get those lips on the back of his neck again. Or somewhere else. Can barely even recognize himself when he asks, “You gonna do something about it?”

Billy makes a low noise behind him, fingers tightening enough to bruise as he drags Steve back towards him again, breathing hot down his neck. Steve jumps at the cold press of Billy’s nose to the side of his throat, but calms down a second later when he feels warm breath fan out over his nape. 

“You saying I should?” Billy grits out roughly. The vibration against his neck has Steve fighting back a gasp, squirming in his hold and digging his fingers in the meat of Billy’s forearms. He feels like he’s about to catch on fire in the middle of the club. 

It feels like he’s been possessed or something; scooped out of his own body and replaced with a pod person. It’s the only way he can explain the hot rush that spreads like a wave through his body. It’s also the only way he can justify tilting his head to the side. Asking without really asking. Hoping that maybe Bilyy understands what he wants, even if he doesn’t say it out loud.

They lock eyes over Steve’s shoulder. Billy’s eyes are bright and magnetic, fixed on Steve’s face with a sort of hunger he’s pretty sure he’s never seen actually directed towards him. Billy looks like he’s burning up too; sweaty and seeming just as desperate as Steve feels.

“Lemme taste you, pretty boy,” Billy practically begs into his ear, breathing gone harsh and choppy. Steve feels all the air leave his body at once as a hot rush of a tidal wave knocks him down, raising his temperature by a couple thousand degrees. “C’mon, baby, just wanna get my mouth on you.”

God. He just. Can’t help but shiver at pretty boy and baby.

And it’s Billy’s birthday, okay? Who is he to resist the wishes of the birthday boy? What kind of a person would he be? It’s pretty flimsy reasoning, he’s aware, but it’s the final hurdle he clears before he’s nodding in response, tilting his head back just another inch so Billy can lean in and finally close the distance. He screws his eyes shut and holds his breath, waiting for Billy to pounce.

And he does. Without waiting another second, he swoops in; twisting Steve so they’re facing each other head on. There’s barely a second for Steve to get startled by the abrupt change in movement before Billy’s leaning forward, licking into his mouth without any other preamble. The first kiss is more like a chaotic frenzy: teeth clacking together as they pant into each other’s mouths, Billy licking behind his gums and going straight up to the roof of his mouth. Trying to taste every inch of Steve’s mouth, it feels like. Steve’s hands scrabbling for purchase on his biceps. Before long, though, it peters into something less harried and desperate, and more into something wide and enveloping. Without a second thought he’s winding his arms around Billy’s neck; one hand gripping onto his sweaty shoulder while the other wanders up to his hair, digging his fingers into the curls at the root. At that, Billy makes a low noise, and pushes into him further.

It feels like he’s losing his mind. Losing time too, for sure, because at this point it feels like they've been kissing in the middle of the dance floor for hours. He kisses Steve in a way he’s never been kissed before: pure want and need  practically pouring from him in every movement. Steve breaks away to take in a gasp of air, head spinning, and Billy quickly draws him back in with a hand on his jaw. His fingers grip tight enough to make Steve open his mouth a little more, and he nearly collapses when Billy immediately licks behind his teeth, holding him there firm as he gets a thorough tour of Steve’s mouth. The last time he made out with someone was like three months ago, and it was nothing compared to this. No kiss he’s had has ever been something like this. Something that makes him feel so desperate he’s gonna die if he doesn’t get more.

Billy finally takes pity on his mental state by gradually lightening up on the pressure, slowing down until he’s just sucking wet kisses to the side of Steve’s mouth and jawline as he tries to get his breathing back under control, staring blankly at the jumble of bodies ahead of him as he tries to get oxygen back up to his brain.

Holy shit. He can’t help but shake in Billy’s arms a little, wrecked from the continuous attention, squirming at the kisses pressing down from his jawline to the side of his neck. His fingers tighten in Billy’s hair involuntarily, and the huff he gets against his neck in response almost has him dragging Billy back up to his mouth. He resists. Barely.

Billy finally pulls back from his neck with an audible pop! and eyes that look just as dazed as Steve’s probably do. Steve can only watch, entranced, as Billy licks a line of spit from his shiny red mouth. Lips swollen from practically mauling Steve’s face just a minute ago. Billy’s eyes never leave his. Steve’s panting like he just ran a marathon, and his arms shake where they’re tightly wound around Billy.

“Woah,” he breathes, and then immediately wants to smack himself after. Woah? That’s all he can say? After Billy Hargrove just tongue-fucked him for like ten minutes straight in the middle of the club?

Billy lets out a breathy laugh, hands smoothly moving down from his waist to dig into his back pockets. Steve stops breathing for a second. Billy flexes his fingers in the pockets, cupping Steve’s ass through the denim. “God, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

Steve blinks back at him, thrown. His mouth drops open a little. “Really?” 

He’d honestly thought it was the fluke of the century; making out with Billy Hargrove in a gay club kind of seemed like a serendipitous anomaly that the universe chugged out maybe once every ten thousand years. One of those things that made sense at the time and with the circumstances, but if he’d actually heard it he would never believe it. Finding out that Billy actually wanted to kiss him? And it apparently wasn’t the first time he wanted to do it? Steve was pretty sure his brain was melting in between his ears, trying to make sense of the whole thing. It takes him a minute to blink past the confusion so he can ask, “For how long?”

Billy throws his head back and laughs the second time that evening. Steve can’t help but admire the lines that crinkle around his mouth and eyes. Somehow, Billy even makes wrinkles look good. He tightens his grip around Billy when he notices others admiring, too.

“For-fucking-ever, babe,” Billy finally gets out, eyes roaming over Steve’s face. Looking intense and searching as he bites his lip. Steve’s eyes track the movement, and he feels his own mouth go dry. Making him feel breathless and squirming as Billy keeps on looking. “If I could’ve had you that first day, I would’ve.”

And— what?

He can’t keep the surprise off his face even as Billy lets out another bray of laughter. He’s too busy trying to comprehend a reality where Billy apparently wanted him this whole time and— “What the fuck?”

Billy at least has the decency to look sheepish, peering at Steve from under his thick lashes. Knowing exactly what that look is doing to him. “I never said I was smart about it. I wanted you so fucking bad, I couldn’t even think.”

Steve has to shut his eyes. Shake his head past the disbelief and utter shock he’s experiencing right now. “Fuck, Billy, I—”

“Why do you think I was always on you, huh?” Billy’s voice is right in his ear again, deep and smooth. Making Steve’s hands drop to his shoulders and grapple for purchase. “Had to always have your eyes on me, no matter what. Couldn’t help myself.”

And, okay. Yeah. Now that he says it like that, Steve has a way easier time believing that Billy’s actually wanted him for this long. All at once his mind brings up every interaction they had in high school, rolling down through the words and images and lighting up with understanding— followed by embarrassment at somehow not seeing it before. Jesus, Billy was obvious in high school, now that he actually thinks about it. “Holy shit.”

“Yeah, it was pretty fuckin’ embarrassing,” Billy laughs, shrugging his shoulders. Squeezes Steve’s ass again, making his head spin. He leans closer, and Steve feels the air between them ignite. “But I have your eyes on me now, don’t I?”

When Steve doesn’t answer at first, still too overcome by everything, Billy tightens the grip on his ass through his back pockets, digging his fingers into the meat of his cheeks. Tugging and kneading so rough that Steve gasps wetly, writhing in Billy’s grip and pressing himself forward. “Don’t I?”

“Yes,” Steve practically sobs, fingers straightening and curling over Billy’s sweaty skin, fingers slipping as he tries to regain balance and control. He can feel it slipping fast; the scales tilting into further desperation as Billy holds him close, whispering hot into his ear.

“You gonna let me take you home?” Billy practically purrs now, one hand reaching up to cup his jaw again. Pulling him back a little so they’re looking into each other’s eyes. His grip is tight, but his gaze is warm as he asks again, “You gonna let me treat you right, pretty boy? Show you what I wanted to do to you in high school?”

“Yes, fuck, yes,” He blabbers back, not able to say yes fast enough. Maybe there’s a part of him that should feel ashamed at how eagerly he accepts, but it’s easy to ignore when Billy keeps staring at him like how he is now: utterly obsessed. Looking like he’s about to devour Steve right there in the middle of the club, and— oh fuck. “Wait,” it’s a conscious effort to fight past the cobwebs clinging to his brain, “Robin.”

Billy snorts, nodding at something over his shoulder. “Pretty sure she’ll be fine for the night, baby.”

When Steve cranes his head over his shoulder he sees Robin hovering by the bar, engaged in an animated conversation with a girl that involves way too many hand gestures. Still, she looks like she’s holding her own. And it’s kind of reassuring to know that she wasn’t just, like, staring at him making out with Billy for the last ten minutes. Even out of morbid curiosity.

Feeling bold because of the kiss, and more brazen than he’s ever felt in a while, Steve turns back to Billy. Slides his hands up his chest, resting over his pecs. Thumbing at his nipples, getting his fill of warm, sweaty skin beneath his palms. Reveling in the way Billy shivers beneath his touch, gripping him even tighter. “Okay, birthday boy: take me back to yours. Rock my world.”

He feels a little shaky saying it, but the answering grin he gets from Billy is worth it for the trouble. One of Billy’s hands leaves his back pocket to hold his hand, fingers intertwining with Steve’s in a way that has his brain melting even further. Oh, god. How is hand holding the thing that’s fucking him up the most?

“C’mon, pretty boy,” Billy tugs at their tangled fingers, “let’s get outta here.”

Billy pulls and Steve stumbles after him, sending one quick wave Robin’s way before he follows; cheeks red and eyes bright. When Billy turns to glance behind him he just gives him a smile. Billy squeezes their hands once before turning back around. Steve lets himself be tugged, running a free hand through his hair as he lets the goofy grin spill across his face. Jesus. He’s probably about to be fucked by Billy Hargrove tonight. And he’s excited about it. Whew. High school Steve wouldn’t know what hit him.But high school Steve apparently affected Billy a lot, so— he squeezes his own fingers around Billy, going breathless and smiling back softly when Billy tosses a fond look over his shoulder. Yeah, tonight’s gonna be good.

~~~

i hope you all liked it, i'll be posting it on ao3 as well later :) next in the race is @writer-in-theory!!

#harringrove #billy hargrove #steve harrington #my fic #harringrove fic #harringrove relay race

[anothergwen]

bad idea right?

*kinda based off the song bad idea right by olivia rodrigo*

a/n : haven't written in a while so i apologize if it's lowk ass

word count: 905

warnings : peter's lowk an asshole but it's okay because it's him :3 , they get a lil intimate at the end but it's nothing really explicit

background : y/n and peter recently broke up due to complications. it was a messy breakup, leaving both frustrated yet missing the other and wishing they handled it better. gwen, y/n's best friend, tells her that it's for the best and that she shouldn't give into him. now y/n loves gwen, she really does, but what happens when peter texts her that he misses her?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's been 3 weeks since they broke up, 3 long and hard rough weeks for y/n. she's frustrated with the idea of not being able to greet him with a kiss everyday before class or hold his hand throughout the halls. having a class with him doesn't help either. everyday he walks in with that fluffy brown hair of his, that sexy blue shirt on, or that famillar attractive scent that lingers wherever he goes. it drives her crazy knowing that they aren't together anymore.

she stares at him from across class, almost daydreaming of the day they get back together and run away into the sunset, ready to live their happily ever after.

"hey !" a famillar voice wakes her up

she turns to the voice and sees that it's her best friend, gwen stacy. her scolding face is all that y/n needs to know what she's going to say.

"stop thinking about him..and stop staring too. don't forget y/n he treated you like shit. he forgot anniversaries, your own birthday, and god must i continue y/n?!" the blonde raised her voice as her friend only looked at her with a disappointed frown. she inhales and exhales deeply before switching her tone of voice to something more softer and less harsh.

"look...i know you love him but you just have to move on. it was agonizing seeing you get treated like that. you don't deserve that honey" she gently spoke, resting a hand on her shoulder

"but gwen he's so cute ! when he walks into class looking so good it's like he's inviting me to take him back !" y/n pouted as gwen only groaned

"you're missing the point y/n ! he ended things and didn't even bother trying to put in effort." the bell had rang, breifly interupting her setence "...don't go chasing after someone who treats you like dirt. especially if they don't want anything to do with you. now cmon let's go, we have a test next period" gwen said as she left class

y/n followed behind gwen, her mind now racing with gwen's advice and flashbacks of her and peter's relationship. her words echo throughout all the memories. for a split second she's ready to take gwen's advice but when she sees peter walking past her, she forgets everything she was just told.

-

later that night y/n sat in her room watching a movie, hoping it'll take her mind off her ex boyfriend. as the movie plays, y/n can feel herself drifiting off to sleep. her eyes got tired and weary before the ding of her phone interupted her slumber.

"you up?"

"i miss you"

her eyes nearly pop out of her head when she sees the messages. her heart sinks to the floor when she recongizes that it's peter who texted her. without thinking and in a panic she calls gwen. as the phone rings y/n paces throughout her room, praying that she picks up.

"hey y/n what's up? everything okay?" gwen's voice rings from the other side with concern

"he texted me ! he fucking texted me gwen !" y/n shouts

"oh my god really? what did he say?"

"asked if i was up and said he missed me. oh my god gwen what do i do?? i talked about taking him back but now that i have a chance to i don't even know !!! gwen cmon help me you're like the angel on my shoulder and i'm my own devil on the other side"

"okay first thing's first, you don't reply. you leave him on delievered and you keep him on delivered. no matter what he says or texts you, don't even consider giving in alright?"

y/n's phone dings one more time, loud enough for gwen to hear as well. it was another text from peter.

"open your window pretty girl. miss you so much. can't stand being away from you anymore"

her heartbeat was pumping. he was just outside and the opportunity of getting him back was just at the finger tips.

"y/n? you okay? what was that? who texted you?" gwen's voice on the other end was becoming static. she couldn't think about anything but letting him back into her home, and into her life. she opens the window and just outside is peter and god did he look good.

"hey pretty girl" he grinned as he let himself in

he took her by the waist and kissed her passionately. in that moment y/n was gone, she didn't care if gwen would scold her, all that mattered to her was that she was finally with peter again. his touch beginning to make her body melt like putty.

"god i missed that so much..." he panted, breath heavy from the kiss he just shared with y/n

"y/n is that peter??? what is he doing there? did you take him back? oh my god y/n i told you-" she was cut short by peter hanging up the phone. he tossed it to the side and continue to kiss her.

he slowly brought her down to her bed, slowly trailing down from her lips to her neck. she's too lost in him to say anything and too deep to turn back. her mind goes blank as she feels him reach those famillar spots he always knew how to reach. god did she miss him so.

#tasm peter x reader #tasm peter parker #tasm! peter parker x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker #tasm #the amazing spider man #spiderman #spiderman x reader #spiderman x y/n #peter parker x you #peter parker x y/n

[atinylittlepain]

Of Saints and Sinners - Chapter 6

Joel Miller x f!reader/f!oc

series masterlist

The team starts their journey home and things start to change between her and Joel. Will she finally start letting him in? Or will he have to forget about her and whatever they had shared?

warnings | 18+ angst, canon-typical descriptions of injuries, smut-adjacent (finally)

The group spends the rest of the night in the old gas station. In the morning she tells them she wants to get back to Jackson in one trip. Joel keeps his mouth shut after their conversation last night, and it’s agreed that they’ll all keep moving, five days until they’re back home. 

Alex and Steve might be fooled by her confident attitude, but Joel can see the way she winces when she hoists herself up onto one of the horses, Steve swinging his legs over behind her. One night wasn’t going to heal the damage she had been dealt, and Joel can see she’s feeling it. Regardless, the group sets off on the highway back towards Wyoming.

The days start to pass languidly by, long stretches of squinting highway and nights spent hunkered down in withering buildings. She hasn’t been talking much to any of them, only sharing faint whispers with Steve that Joel pretends to not be curious about. He’s trying hard to not be such a guy about it, but honestly that’s never been an issue until her. For the first time since the world ended, Joel Miller is jealous.

He tries to hold onto what she had told him, that Steve wasn’t her man. And the further along the journey home they got, the more Joel was starting to understand their relationship. This was an intimacy past whatever Joel was getting worked up about. This was two people who had been through everything together. Something deeper than sharing love, or blood, or a name. They had shared life, or whatever there was left of it. 

He was still trying to figure out how Alex fit into this equation. They treated him like a little brother almost. Someone a little less worn than them, but still dear. What Joel saw before him was a family, the only kind that could arise in a world like this.

They’re two days out from home, settling in for the night. Her and Joel stay up while Alex and Steve get some rest in the first leg of the night, hunkering down in another cleaned out gas station. 

They sit shoulder to shoulder, backs against an old beer cooler. 

For maybe the first time, she speaks up first, “what kinda records do you have?”

“Don’t have many, you’ll have to share whatever you’ve been stashing. A buggy Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline, Hank Snow.”

“A real country boy, huh?” She quirks up her mouth in a split grin at him. He thinks to himself, this is new.

“Well what would you prefer?” He’s playing along. It feels weird to him.

“I’m guessing you weren’t listening to much Mazzy Star before this all went down?” He looks at her blankly, she smiles.

“That’s one I did manage to find, their 1993 album, seemingly intact. I’m gonna play it until it’s worn out when we get back.” He likes the sound of that, the promise of her presence.

“Anything else?” She turns her head, resting her cheek on her shoulder as she looks up at him. “You know Elliott Smith?” Again, Joel’s got nothing. She lets out a short laugh. “How about the movie Good Will Hunting?” 

“Robin Williams, right? A bunch of therapy talk.” He’s rewarded with a wide smile. “Yeah, Elliott Smith was the soundtrack to that.” Joel nods, afraid to admit he can barely remember the movie in the first place.

“He was big in Portland, where I was from, at least in the indie scene. My dad - he was a disc jockey, always on the up and up on music, always bringing home good shit for me to listen to. Elliott Smith was my favorite artist he showed me. You might like him, he’s folk-adjacent, lots of guitar.” He’s never heard her say so much at once, and even though he has no idea what indie or folk-adjacent means, all he wants is for her to keep talking. For just a second, Joel feels like he’s in a different world with her, a world in which none of this ever happened. Just two people talking about music on a normal night. And then he blinks back into reality, the still fading bruises on her neck, the bandage wrapped firmly around her arm, the way she talks in the past tense. She seems to snap back into this world at the same time, clearing her throat and looking down at her hands in her lap. He hates it, the sudden drop.

“Anyways, gotta get home first. But I’ve got one of his records too, I’ll play it for you.” Just like back in that field, Joel doesn’t know what he’s doing until he’s already done it. He reaches out, sliding his palm under her own, interlacing their fingers. Her lungs catch on an inhale, turning her face to look at him from under those damn eyelashes. His other hand ghosts over the hinge of her jaw, thumb brushing the arc of her chin. While his brain blares the what the fuck alarm, he’s leaning into her, twisting in until she does the rest, leaning up and forward into him, and it’s a kiss that could only be shared between two broken people. It’s a trembling brush, a frightened test. She squeezes his hand and he closes the gap this time. The second one is a little more certain. I want this. I want you. This is real. I’m terrified that this is real.

They freeze before slowly unfurling from each other, resting their heads back against the wall. He’s afraid to look back at her and see regret, but she breaks the silence first, “was that alright?” He thinks his head’s going to explode. She’s asking if that was alright for him?

Joel swallows, “uh-hum, yeah. Was that alright to you?” Neither of them have looked at each other yet, just glancing at each other out of the corners of their eyes. He sees the sliver of her smile. “Yeah, that was alright, Joel Miller.”

… 

Over the next two days of travel, she gets quiet again. Joel thinks he royally fucked up, that maybe the more she thought about what they shared, the less alright it became to her. He feels selfish, downright ridiculous, that this is what he’s worrying about. He can see that she’s still in a decent amount of pain in how she moves, sudden, wincing jerks. She won’t let any of them look at her ribs again.

Mercifully, it’s an uneventful return home. They make it back through the mountains, and their appearance on the edge of town causes a serious stir, people gathering to watch the ragged crew ride in. They dismount, and Maria is quick to take her under her arm and out of the crowd to a former doctor’s house. Joel can hear hushed whispers regarding “the saint’s” return. Back home, back to all her secrets he still doesn’t know.

Steve and Alex look at Joel, both nodding to him, before walking off towards their home. The job is over, and Joel heads home too.

Ellie is begrudgingly happy to see him return, asking too many questions that he refuses to answer. He wonders if things will return to the way they had been, an icy distance, Steve’s warning. He hopes they won’t.

…

That night, there’s a knock at Joel’s door. It’s Alex. Joel steps out, sitting with the man on the porch.

“Thought you’d wanna know, she’s doing alright. Doc did a full checkup. No broken ribs, just some serious bruising, have her taking freezing cold baths to reduce the swelling. She’s at home now, sleeping like the dead. Think she’s already feeling a lot better just being back.”

Joel nods at this, not realizing he needed so badly to know how she was doing.

Alex takes a sharper inhale, “Steve also told me to tell you he was sorry for being a dick. He’s a hard one to get an apology out of, just a little too proud.” Joel huffs at that.

“Don’t have to apologize. I get that, wanting to keep someone safe. I was happy to help you do that.” Alex rubs his palms on his thighs before standing up, turning to leave before thinking twice and looking back at Joel.

“Don’t tell her I told you this, but she told me she likes you, Miller. That’s a high compliment. Thinks you’re one of the good ones. Please don’t prove her wrong.” Before Joel can respond to this, Alex is already shuffling off his porch, walking out into the dimming night.

…

Joel tries hard to get back to business as usual. Picking patrol shifts back up, working with Tommy. He doesn’t see her around at all that first week back, figures they have her laying low while she’s still recovering. He sees Steve at the bar one night and the man nods at Joel, a silent extension of peace, a thank you.

He wonders to himself if it’s better to just forget what happened, that it’d be best to let it lay dormant, to stop thinking about her. But he can’t, the feeling of her hand in his is what he falls asleep to and wakes up with.

Joel certainly isn’t a romantic now, nor was he before. He learned not to be the hard way, with Sarah’s mom, who left him and his babygirl before he knew love was capable of hurting, of destroying. And then he lost Sarah, and with her, whatever he thought was left of his heart. 

Something seemed to slide back into that space with Ellie, but now, he can feel it filling out to the brim with her, this wild, strange, dangerous woman that he still doesn’t know, not really. He tries to tamp it down, drown it out, but the thoughts of her keep pouring in. She’s ten years younger than him, and while Joel knows time doesn’t count for much in this world, it feels like a chasm, one big enough for her to not want him at all. But then he remembers that night, that shared moment, and he has to believe he’s not being a fool for feeling this way.

His mind rolls like the tide with these wonderings, these worries as he moves through the days. And then, it’s two weeks since they’ve returned, and he gets another knock on his door on a Tuesday night.

She’s wearing the same thing he saw her in that day at the childcare center, soft, faded t-shirt, grubby jean shorts, and duct-taped sneakers, a zip-up hoodie hanging loosely over her frame. He can see that she’s got two vinyls tucked under her arm.

“You owe me a turn with your record player, Miller.” A ghost of a smile in the corners of her lips. He opens the door wider, letting her slip inside.

“Yes ma’am. Was wondering when you’d be coming for a listen.” Joel can handle patrol shifts, clickers, raiders, general danger, without much anxiety. But having her here, in his space, is making him nervous in an embarrassing way.

“Doc finally cleared me for daily activities. First day of freedom since we got back. Been thinking about this the whole time though.” He knows she means the record player, but something in him still flips over at her words.

She holds up both records for Joel to see, “I brought Mazzy Star and Elliott Smith, the ones I told you about, think we can listen to both tonight?” 

He nods, “Ellie’s out wreaking havoc with some other kids, won’t be around to give us any grief. We can listen to whatever you want.” She gives him one of those rare, cracking smiles. He thinks that’s all he really wants these days.

She lets him lead her upstairs, and he only now starts to realize he keeps the record player in his bedroom. Jesus christ, man, calm down. She lets out a sigh when she sees the player set up, tentatively walking over and thumbing through the sparse crate of records Joel has. 

“Man, feels like Christmas morning,” she murmurs, mostly to herself. The record player is set up on an old end table, Joel sits down in the armchair next to it, elbows on his knees, watching her carefully kneel in front of the player. She lays her two records down on the floor, seemingly trying to decide which to play first.

“I think I have to go with Elliott Smith first. Haven’t heard him in twenty fucking years.” She slips the record onto the table, letting the needle catch. The opening chords of “Speed Trials” kick up and she smiles until her cheeks are rounding up under her eyelashes, eyes closed.

Joel’s only half paying attention to the music, his focus more intently on the seeming ecstasy she’s in, nodding her head with the drums, letting out a sigh as each new track begins. She opens her eyes a squint, catching him staring and he looks away, trying to listen closer to the music.

She just keeps smiling, “ah man, this last track is so good.”

I'm in love with the world

Through the eyes of a girl

Who's still around the morning after…

She’s mouthing along to the lyrics, Joel feels like he’s going to combust.

I could be another fool

Or an exception to the rule

You tell me the morning after…

She looks at him, her smile slackening as she slowly stands. She shuffles over in front of him and offers out her open palm, he takes it and squeezes lightly. 

Crooked spin can't come to rest

I'm damaged bad at best

She'll decide what she wants

I'll probably be the last to know

No one says until it shows, see how it is

They want you or they don't

Say yes…

Joel stands, his and her feet shuffling until the toes of their shoes skim. She splays her other palm over his chest, fingers grazing just below his collarbone. He lets his hand furl around the curve of her neck, thumb resting on the aching roundness of her cheek.

They both jump when the needle catches the end of the record, warbling off. She huffs a laugh, eyes still caught with Joel’s.

He swears he hears his voice crack when he asks her if this is ok but he doesn’t care because she’s smiling and then she’s nodding and then she’s leaning up and in and the first kiss is soft, a remembering, a test. The second is a bit firmer, more confident. The third, she slides her palm up from his chest, to his jaw, drawing into him a bit closer. The fourth, they untangle their hands, his going to the hilt of her spine, hers draping over the tops of his shoulder blades. The fifth, he lets his palm rest heavy on her back, pressing her body fully against his. She swipes her tongue across his lips and he’s already letting her in, tasting into him. They can feel their battering heart beats where their chests press against each other, shaky and unsure of where they’re going next until Joel is cupping her hips in both his hands and gently walking her back towards the end of his bed. The backs of her knees hit the sheets and she’s stumbling back onto the bed, taking him with her as he awkwardly tries to hold himself up. She lays back and he’s hovering over her with his knee between her legs and his palm beside her temple and he laughs, really truly laughs. She brings her hand up, thumb brushing over his lips.

“What is it?” He sighs, “it’s nothing, it’s just — kinda feel like I’m back in highschool right now.” She giggles and Joel thinks it might kill him, “Joel Miller, are you blushing?”

“Mm, shut up,” and with that he’s diving back down to meet her and this kiss is different. It’s desperate, licking into each other, teeth bumping, huffed breaths, and the clicks of spit. She starts to work at the buttons of his shirt and once he catches on, he sits up for a moment, yanking the thing off over his head by the collar before settling back into her. He shivers as her palms run over his bare skin, nails grazing his back, his sides, up his chest. He dips his head into her neck, leaving nips along her throat as she gasps under his touch. She lets out a strangled whine when he brushes his lips at the hinge of her jaw. He presses back, pulling her hands with him to bring them both standing. His hands grasp at the edges of her hoodie, he sees a flicker of something in her eyes, but she still lets him shrug the jacket off her shoulders. Joel runs his fingertips down her bare arms and she shudders. He stops at the bandage around her left forearm, she looks down at the floor.

“Almost all healed now. You still gonna like me with another scar added to the list?” He frowns at that, dipping his head to meet her gaze, swooping in for a swift, hard peck. “Don’t even say shit like that,” he murmurs, bringing his attention back to the task at hand, fingers ghosting along the hem of her shirt. He doesn’t miss her flinch this time.

“I just – well, you’ve seen my back. Kinda a mood killer,” she laughs lamely at this, swallowing hard around an ache in her throat. 

“Hey, no. I — I want you, however you are, however you let me.” Joel feels like his mouth is full of cotton and he speaks before he can even think, “you’re – you’re wild, you know that? Make me feel like my head is gonna explode everytime I look at you.” She lets a small smile spread at that, still gazing down at her shoes. He brings his palm to her jaw, coaxing her face up towards him. 

“Don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to, but you gotta know I want all of you, if you’ll let me have it.” She nods slightly, eyes a bit teary as she catches Joel’s gaze. What she says comes out as a hoarse whisper, “Think I need some time. I know you’ve seen them. I’m just not ready, but I want to be. That ok?” Joel takes hold of her hand, squeezing. She squeezes back.

“It’s ok, darlin. Give you all the time I got.”

#joel miller angst #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #tlou fanfiction #the last of us #tlou #joel miller fluff

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

How DID Disrupts Appropriate Decision Making - A Personal Switchy Ramble

This is based on our personal experiences with being a DID system. Seemingly each alter was split to hold clashing personalities that couldn't be integrated. This is because we as a child needed one "extreme" persona for one environment and another "extreme" persona for another environment

For example, our alter Sof is bubbly, forgiving and diplomatic, while I, Levi, am quick to anger, hold intense grudges and won't trust other people. My acute stress response is always fight, while Sof is more prone to fawn. I would not mind watching evil people being tortured to death (and participate), but Sof possesses very high empathy, since we wouldn't survive if we didn't forgive and submit to our abusers. I got to store the whole "never forgive, never forget" shit, while Sof can't help but see that evil person as if they are a victim deserving of another chance

This makes it extremely hard to act appropriately to everyday situations. We have been so used to living between extremes that mundane shit is difficult to understand. I am quick to cut off people and move on, while other parts will let us be walked all over instead of setting boundaries or just avoid everything going on - thereby isolating us instead of addressing what needs to be dealt with. Because our self is fragmented, our decisions will fluctuate as different alters front. When one alter makes a decision, the rest will panic, since they believe it was the wrong one, which leads to heavy dissociation and even panic attacks, self destruction and/or flashbacks

I think a lot of people, including us, have this wrong idea of having alters being some sort of superpower where you have experts in all kinds of things who can do tasks for you when you yourself can't handle them. But there's a reason CDDs are classified as severe mental disorders. Being a system isn't a superpower. Being a system is the result of severe childhood trauma, and traumatised people struggle. Of course decision making is hard when the consequences of one misstep could be detrimental for you as a child. When every decision feels like life or death, because that's what PTSD does. We are stuck in the past while time still goes on. It's like living in two dimensions

Idk this ended up very rambly and kinda reassuring towards myself at the end, but I'm gonna keep this in. There's definitely been other alters helping me write this during the last part (yo lol, Sof here). I wanted to make a more coherent post, but hey, this is what DID is like, so just gonna keep it like this

#actuallycdd #actuallydid #actually cdd #actually did #did things #cdd things #did stuff #cdd stuff #did vent #cdd vent #tw sh mention #tw sh implied #did alter #cdd alter #levi.speaking #my.posts #sof.speaking

[resuri-art]

Hi! I'm new to the yugioh fandom and have been asking around, do you have any fic recs you could share with us? I always love hearing what other people recommend ❤️

Hello anon, and welcome to the ygo fandom! 💖 I hope you're having a great time here. (We are a little weird but we are nice I promise.)

I have a lot of recs, it depends of what you're searching for, but I'll make a little selection:

Canon verse fics:

The last puzzle by @tenderwulf

11 years after the Ceremonial Duel, Atem and Bakura inexplicably find themselves back in Domino. When they meet their previous hosts, they realize how much things have changed: Yuugi, the now world-renowned King of Games, is going through a marriage crisis, Ryou is struggling to balance studies, work, and his brittle mental health, and Malik... well, Malik is living his best life—and his own yami is nowhere to be seen. They soon realize they all have to work together in order to solve the mystery of the yamis' return: some to make sure that they stay, and some to make sure that they don't.

- Philosophy of a knife by @crush3dmary

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Ryou learns this the hard way when he becomes the vessel for Zorc's power. A canon rewrite where Bakura wins.

The HoURGLASS serie by @worldendercharles

Two character studies of Marik Ishtar and his darker half, meant to parallel each other and explore the cross-contamination between them.

Chained to you by @saijspellhart

Taking place after the events of Season Zero, all the shadow games happened but Yugi never found out he was possessed by the spirit of the puzzle. Now he's an adult, living on his own, and he starts to notice strange and spooky things happening around his apartment. When he sees his own shadow moving Yugi begins to suspect his new place is haunted. But is this shadow spirit malicious or... kinda sweet? Yami does a bunch of stupidly sweet domestic shit for Yugi to help take care of him. Expect romance, fluff, self-care, and Puzzleshipping shenanigans.

Our Scars remind Us that the Past was Real by @sesshy380

Imagine waking up, and everyone is trying to convince you that the things you 'remember’ never happened, and that those 'memories’ exist only in YOUR head. The Thief King doesn’t have to imagine…because that’s exactly what happened. -or- The Thief King get’s a second chance at life.

Yami Bakura’s Got A Crush by @justapalspal

Yami Bakura’s got a crush, and it ends up being Bakura Ryou’s problem. Diva’s even more so.

AU fics:

To Balance the Scales by @sadistikitteh

Fleeing from being killed by his uncle's knights, Atem is saved by Bakura; the mate of the naga he'd helped years before. After healing from wounds and bonding with the couple, Atem's love and desire to help the creatures grows stronger.

Swan Lake by @kitsunefaux

A twist of fate leaves Bakura under the care of the fae Ryou, who thinks he would be so much cuter as a swan. What can you do against a creature who holds your choices in their hands? Who can you be in the belly of the beast?

The Kill Shot serie by @apathetic-theme-song

A modern/magic assassin AU. Two unstoppable forces collide as Bakura, one of the best assassins in the world, finds himself a target of an up-and-coming rival named Qadir in a plot to destroy them both. In teaming up to get revenge, they find that they make much better partners than enemies in more ways than one.

If you're into smut (and of age to read it of course), I would heavily recommend the whole work of Fat-Butch-Dyke (@fat-butch-dyke) and Sitabethel (@sitabethel). Fair warning with Sita: they do the best character developments. You think you will go for a fun pwp but be prepared to be a crying mess at some point.

Also Rochelle Echidna (@rochelle-echidna), Ninjam117 (@ninjam117), RelaySoul (@pandabaozi) and DisposableVillain works are to check too. <3 (I couldn't decide for a fic to recommend more than another.)

There are a lot more I'm probably forgetting but I think that will give you some reading material. Also I recommend to look at the other works of all the authors I mentionned, they are great. ♥

#writting rec #ask #be sure to read the tags of each fic to see if it's your thing or not first!

[sugoi-writes]

FUCK. I WROTE PART NINE AND HAD IT ALL READY TO GO AND THEN MY KID GOT HER HANDS ON MY PHONE AND CLOSED THE APP. THANK LUCIFER I HAD THE FIRST HALF SAVED AS A DRAFT BUT STILL. OTL sending this separate because I was paranoid she'd do it again and I would have to write the second part a third time 😭 also realizing I forgot to put my sig at the bottom of Pt.9

..... Annnnd of course, after pressing send I remember that I forgot to rewrite the part where reader chokes Alastor when they cum. just shoot me holy motherfucking shit

At some point I'mma just make these into a full blown PWP fic. It seems like they get longer with each installment 🤣 (I'm sorry btw, I always feel kinda bad whenever I leave long messages in anyone's inbox 😫

AYEEEE WELL YA KNOW WHAT THEY SAY - GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE!! 😘❤️‍🔥

It's a fitting pet name Hunny Pun! You're the queen of puns and you're so so SO sweet like a Honey Bun! is that icing or Alastor's jizz on you??? ... im so sorry i'll see myself out again 😭 CAN'T FIND AND KISS ME IF I FIND AND KISS YOU FIRST BABES~! ❤️❤️❤️

I can't hold on to my anonymity anymore guys so I'mma be making Pt.10 my reveal post~ it's killing me that I can't leave rabid fangirl messages on your works like you all do here for me! I really did wanna wait until I got the Smutmus Holy Trinity complete or at least in the revision stages but just- GAH! I NEED YALL TO KNOW HOW AMAZING I THINK YOU ARE. Beautiful beautiful minds, inside and out i can't even-!

Seriously though, I can't even begin to express how grateful and happy I am to have met any of you! And there are no words in the English dictionary (or any at all really) that I could use to describe what I feel about how accepting and supportive you've been! I could NEVER thank yall enough for helping me to find the joy in writing again. I love all three of you so much and I'm honored to call you friends!! 🥺🥰💋

- ☄️❤️ Smut Santa

False Alarm for the Next Part!! And honestly, thank God, the vibe is still not charged HAH--

Oh no!!! I'm so sorry that happened to you!! I had a similar experience when writing my part 2 to my Nun! Alastor fic. Fun fact: had to re-write it 5 times because I kept forgetting to save it. ;;_;; hhhh my baby fever is so bad I'm crying, but man, KIDS! What a little stinker 🥹❤️

Also, my ask box is usually super empty? Like, you could LICK the floor with how neat and empty it is? I LOVE messages? Even better if they long like Alastor's girthy fucking co--

We--We were- when we??? ALASTOR GETS--??? MY HANDS AROUND HIS???

*Danny.Exe has experienced an Error*

*Rebooting*

OKAY IM BACK--

☄️❤️Anon... babycakes. At this rate I'm gonna do more than fucking kiss you. I think we're past that now. And if you keep calling me 'Hunny Pun', or similar pet names, I'm just gonna jump your bones--

Hug you!!!! I meant hug you!!!

It's Alastor's jizz. It's canon-- NO DONT LEAVE I NEED TO KNOW HOW I GOT IT ON MY FAAAAAAACE

GUYS CODE TREAT, CODE TREAT, THE ANON VEIL IS DROPPING!!! ITS DROPPING DHDHDJDHDJ-- You will never gain a mutual as fast as you will then I SWEAR

☄️❤️!!! Smut Santaaaaa! 🥹😭❤️ Your mind is a beautiful, smutty, enchanting place!!! Knowing that you've been religiously cranking this out, while also having a kiddo... Seriously, how do you do it??? If anyone deserves the praise rn, 🎵it's you??? It's you, ITS ALWAYS YOU!!🎵 ❤️❤️❤️

Don't push yourself too hard! Please? ❤️ I will treasure these rare, scrumptious little treats for as long as I have brain cells left ❤️ I will call you friend until you tell me to quit or I lose my voice for good. And even then, my lips will keep moving and repeating the same thing until I'm blue in the face. ❤️❤️❤️ you are such a sweet, sweet, soul, and I can feel your vibes, and they are so wholesome! I can't wait to meet the person or sexual fiend behind it all! I feel like I speak for us all, and not just the main 3, but EVERYONE: everyone who has read your posts love you to bits. And they love your work to bits. Best believe when you publish your first work, we'll be there. En masse. And we will be EAGERLY returning the love you surprised us with.

Thank you for all that you do. On this post in particular, you deserve a foot rub, a forehead kiss, and a hug that lifts and spins you off your feet! 💗💗💗

Have a blissful, best of days you can have, dear! You deserve it! 💗

#gah now im all mushy #i need to watch Howl's Moving Castle again #I NEED IT #☄️❤️ i said i love you like a million times let me know if that makes you uncomfy please? hahah;;; #MWUAH #☄️❤️anon #sweet post #smutmus #danny rambles #danny speaks

[broodygaming]

.

Juuust venting.

Idk. I don't even expect ppl to read this, it's okay, I'm fine literally just typing it out for the sake of typing it out cuz I don't have anyone I can chat about it with.

But I'm 30 years old, disabled and living with my mom and things have gone from weird to bad to worse and idk what to do about it. I can't get a job, I can't work, I can't seem to qualify for disability. I can't seem to do anything.

My mom is a good kind person in so many things. But idk. I think she really genuinely didn't think that me moving in with her would be permanent. I think she just assumed I'd get it together and get a job and leave again. I was always the most self sufficient kid. I moved away! I was doing good! So it seemed from a distance anyways.

Now it's like, every day she's just MAD that I just can't do things. She gets mad that I'm forgetful or that my spoons are like 0 all the time. She gets mad that I'm not magically clearing the entire property by myself or I'm not building all these things or doing all these things. She just gets mad mad mad that I don't function. I think it just confuses her? Or scares her? Idk. And she'll weaponize my disability in this really weird way. She'll say things like "well if you're really THAT disabled maybe I should hire a baby sitter for you because you can't be trusted to be alone." Literally. And when I say no, that's weird I don't need that - it OF COURSE means I must just be lying about how bad everything else is!

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have one single friend in the universe and things are always kinda tense with her too. She's offered to let me come stay in her shed, haha. Her husbands a contractor so that's not as bad as it sounds. He'd make it nice and functional. But it would ruin our relationship.

It's not sustainable to just couch hop, I can feel kind people thinking of typing out an offer - but lbr, that's just not sustainable. I'm not going to magically get better. I'm not temporarily out of work. It's not just for until I get things "figured out". I need a permanent solution.

So I'm genuinely thinking of just refurbishing my truck and putting a mattress in the back and buying a recharable solar battery and a fancy bucket and going on the road. It's an old truck (almost 300K miles!! YES you read that right!! Old ass work truck!! but it runs really well and is stupid sturdy). And maybe just living off the cash assistance I get from the government and camping? I like to camp, I like being outside. And maybe I just sleep in my truck in parking lots and then for a few nights of the week stay at a campsite to freshen up?

Lots of people do it, so I know it's doable. It'd be hard to give up creature comforts like plumbing and really (I know this is dumb but) my computer. I like video games haha, it's one of my fav past times. I know my bigger hold ups should be like, security and warmth and shit. But still. I have so much time and energy put into these stupid pixels it's hard to imagine giving that up.

And my animals! I'd have to sell my goats, probably just give my chickens to my neighbors. And even though it's literally so so irresponsible, I'm taking my fucking dog. I've had to give up one dog previously because I was temporarily homeless and couldn't find a rentable space that was pet friendly. And I swore I'd never do it again. Plus - even though it's irresponsible and her food costs easily 80 bucks a month - I actually think I'd be a lot safer with her with me. And less alone. I think she'd love it, tbh. I don't think this would permanently burn bridges with my mom. She'd be mad, but if I called her and said Dahlia's sick I need money for a vet she'd give it to me. And if she wouldn't, my friend would and they have money to spare. So I actually think, out of everything that's not that big of a gamble. I have a safety net for her. And I'm good at doing yearly shots myself etc. So it's just emergencies, food and 3 year rabies shots I can't do myself.

Another reason I'm spitballing all this here is it's not for sure. Hopefully it doesn't come to this. But my mom and I have been fighting relentlessly and there's no end in sight. She's like, mad that I'm here. And comes home mad that I'm here. It's exhausting and it's not going to get magically better. She bought this property and is now throwing it in my face like I'm the one who forced her to do it. She's terrified she won't be able to retire and is blaming me for it. I don't want to be a burden and she clearly doesn't want me to be one anymore either and idk who else I can ask. Who else can I INFLICT my existence on to? This is why disabled people end up in abusive relationships and then stay. What are the fucking options? I'm so grateful I have my physical health and am able to even think of taking such a physically demanding option.

So it's like a 30% chance it comes to this. I'll try and just adjust and put up with things being weird and toxic because that's better than shitting in a bucket in the walmart parking lot. For now.

#venting venting venting

[dapper-nahrwhale]

ive been thinking abt It and dndads (and stranger things kinda) for hours now its like. the monster has always been here and has shaped your life in ways you cant even perceive and you want to outgrow it but you cant and you never will. and the monster is a living breathing creature but it's also your parents and grandparents and it's also You and youre just continuing to act it out. nick leaves taylor like glenn (kind of) left him like bill left him and so on. eddie and bev marry people just like their parents. lark and sparrow literally have the doodler in their bloodstreams. augh

LITERALLY. it refuses to leave my head. The paralleling in these stories ahhg! Dndads and it (two of my favorite things in the world) hit the same thing!

Gawd just. Everything about these makes me go insane. The way the cycle repeats. You cant stop the monster that ruined your childhood from ruining your adulthood too. You are that monster. You cant move on past what happened when you were a kid. You the exact same kid you were when it happened except you're nothing like that kid at all. You can never change from the shit you went through and you'll never be that kid again. You became your parents without even realizing it.

Its about the generational trauma!

Also. Grant parallels Darryl by talking about things too much instead of too little. When he said the "we'll talk about it later" in the recent ep I lost it. The fact that they were all so irreversibly changed by that happened to them as kids that they cant change back to who they once were. He is not the boy you knew. I'm never over how they dealt with the consequences of episode 1 by grant becoming a fundamentally different and unrecognizable person to avoid that curse thing. Like that fucked up his whole shit forever man.

Lark and Sparrow are SO like henry whether they realize it or not. The Lark and bill denbrough parallels <3. They both feel insurmountable crushing guilt over something they think was entirely their fault. They were just kids. They make amends for this in the worst way possible. By trying (and failing) to kill the creature they're guilty for (insert obligatory fma03 ed and sloth reference). They let their guilt consume them. If they cant kill the horror they made whays the point of them living though it

I'm not assigning rigid roles to each character, just noticing the parallels. But I'd say the potential for sparrow and stan to be similar is so interesting. They both try as hard as they can to lead a normal regular life in spite of everything that's happened and yet they fail on that.

I realized immediately ep 1 that nick was like glenn and bill and ect ect with the not being there. But not by choice! But the cycle continues none the less! (I dont know if we'll be able to find nick and have him be reunited with the others in s2 or not. I think they all need to be there and alive to defeat the doodler, to end the eldritch horror that took their world. But if hes not there how do they kill it?)

The concept of nick needing an inhaler but never using it because he doesnt want to be lame in front of his dad vs eddie not needing one but continuing to use it because his mom says he needs it! (Smth smth the unconscious and conscious power their parents have on them smth smth)

Terry holding everyone together like mike is so chefs kiss yes! Terry and (maybe) ben being the most well adjusted of the groups. And well adjusted is very loosely said here because are any of them really? Terry being the researcher and the one to find the spells and the one to try so hard to save everyone he can (like mike).

Instead of just them forgetting the events like in it, they remember it all but the rest of the world forgot. How fucking lonley that must be either way.

Off topic but. One thing about it I adore is the 90s tv miniseries, where out takes place in the 60s in flashbacks and 80s/90s in present time and then in the new movies it take splace in the 80s and the present is the present! The exact 27 year gap between them is insane when you see the production for it had been in production hell since the 2000s!

I'm going to be thinking about these stories for the rest of my life I think...

Feeling the shrimp emotions about this rn.

#dndads #it (2017) #it (movie) #dndads s2 #b.text #i could go on abt this forever. so many thoughts. so little time. #just!!! i lose it about this! aaaaaaaa #today has already been such a Day. to this is giving me so much joy <3

[fire-emblem-drabbles]

Pairing: Yandere! Rohan x reader

Prompt: “You don’t even know how lucky you are. I protect you and provide for you. Don’t act so ungrateful.”

Description: For someone who used their stand to keep you trapped in their house and claimed to love you, Rohan sure didn’t seem like it. He hardly even batted an eye when you acted out around him-- until now, that is.

Content Warnings: Imprisonment, yandere inappropriate use of a stand, typical Rohan being his bull shit self, ask to tag

Rating: sfw

Word Count: 1499

Notes: As much as I have mixed feelings for Rohan (he’s a little bitch but I still like him, I guess) this is such a perfect prompt from him I couldn’t refuse.I was also really struggling with this one until I got about halfway though it. I feel kinda... meh about it but hey, it’s a fanfic.

Edited: Minor grammar and spelling fixes! Also spaced out a bit more for hopefully an easier read. Hope you guys enjoy! Oh, content warning and banner were added as well

You hated how empty this place felt. It wasn’t a home, it was a prison-- no matter how welcoming and beautiful it seemed. You had spent the last couple months (what you thought were months-- it was getting hard to keep track) here, unable to leave due to the effects of Heaven’s Door.

It was funny really, how Rohan was willing to use his stand to keep you here against your will but not to change your feelings about him. As much as you wanted to leave you couldn’t--all you could do was vent you frustrations at him.

You were free to wander as you pleased, and Rohan even welcomed you into his study freely. You were inspiring to him, as he said. And a welcome break from his work.

You couldn’t even begin to understand him; what he saw in you, why he kept you here, why he didn’t just… make things as he wanted them to be. He made no sense to you. Even as he tried to show off to you, prove to you he was the only one for you, that he was the Rohan Kishibe… you would not be convinced.

Usually, he took your defiance in stride; even for someone like Rohan, he knew this was an extreme change. One that would take getting use too. He had faith, that you would come to terms with things. You had always been such an adaptable person. Eventually, you would get use to this.

Eventually…

Little did he know, had he not used Heaven’s Door to keep you here, to stop you from using your own stand against him, you would be long gone. You were desperate for freedom. Little did you know how desperate he was to keep you.

“Rohan…” Your voice was soft as you entered his study. He was busy at work per usual. He knew you were here--he would stop working only if he deemed the conversation important enough.

“Why, after all this time, am I still here?” What you really wanted to say was ‘you know I’ll never love you’ but the fear of angering him kept you back.

“You’re here because I want you to be. It’s that simple.” He didn’t even turn to face you when he spoke. Typical.

You moved forward, past his desk to look out the large window, to the sweet, sunny town before you. You would do anything to be out in the summer sun again…

“You know I don’t want to be here though.” Emotion trembled in your voice. “Before all this, I actually kind of liked you. Funny isn’t it? I thought you were so cool..” You laughed bitterly.

You could hear him put down his pen. At least now you had his undivided attention. “I thought-- I don’t know what I thought. That maybe there could have been something between us?” You sighed, shaking your head and unwilling to let the tears that peaked at your eyes to fall.

“Little did I know this would happen.” You turned to his shocked face. It wasn’t often he was speechless, that you got to see something other than his smug face.

“Knowing this, you even have the power to make me forget this all even happened. To start over. But I know you won’t. You're too selfish for that, aren’t you Rohan?” He was taken aback by your words but only a moment.

He was always prepared for your outbursts, even ones like these.

“Selfish?” He laughed softly, shaking his head. “Is that what you think of me _____?”

“What else could you be, for keeping me here against my will?” You countered, sniffling.

This wasn’t going to end well.

It never did.

It always ended with you crying.

“You don’t even know how lucky you are.” His scoff was audible, the groan of his chair unmistakable as he stood, approaching you. “I protect you, provide for you…”

He took heavy steps until he was next to you, staring down the very same summer dream as you. “and yet you have the guile to act so ungrateful.” He had looked your way as he spoke the venomous words, yet you refused to meet his gaze.

“Ungrateful?” You repeated.

You saw your own reflection on the window. Tired, depressed--so close to giving up.

“Maybe I am. What are you going to do about it Rohan?” Now you dared to meet his gaze, see the barely kept burning rage hidden behind green eyes. “Are you going to open me up again? Make it so I’m happy to be here? Happy to be with you?” You challenged.

Honestly, you might have preferred it that way--maybe then you wouldn’t be so miserable here. Then again, you would be aware it was a ruse, as would Rohan.

The two of you might even be more miserable than you are now.

“Why do you make things so difficult?” Rohan grabbed you by the shoulders, surprising you.

In all you time here he hadn’t really… touched you. Had he not explicitly stated why he brought you here, you wouldn’t have even thought he cared for you.

Despite your surprise, his words and his touch were… gentle. You knew he wasn’t trying to scare you; after all, he had read everything about you, more than once. He knew you better than he did himself.

“I’ve tried every approach with you and yet you still can’t accept that your fate is to be by my side. Why?”

You hated how… hurt he looked. Like somehow you had betrayed him by being angry, that some how it was you in the wrong for wanting more than this.

You hated how you didn’t stop him from touching you because god, when was the last time another person touched you?

“I can’t give up.” When had your own words become so soft? “If I give up, then that means you win. That you really were right--that this is the best for me. And I can’t believe that.”

You tried to even out your breathing to keep from crying in front of him. You were already acting too vulnerable in front of him, something he would be sure to take advantage of.

“I-I want more from life than this!”

You didn’t even protest when Rohan pulls you into a hug. You were too upset, had gone too long without comfort from another. Maybe, Rohan had planned for this all along.

You wouldn’t put it above him.

“Shh… calm down.” His words were soft, if not a little hesitant.

It was obvious he had never comforted someone before. He probably knew his words weren’t helping and just held you, rigid in his arms until you broke down, crying openly and hugging him back. You clung to him, even as he pulled back softly and brushed the tears from your cheeks.

“You’ve been fighting for a while, it’s no wonder your so tired.” He laughed softly but you didn’t even have the energy to be mad about it. “You put up a good fight _____ but you knew this would happen as much as I did.”

You hated how he was right.

“Why did i-it have to be like this though?” You took a deep breath, sniffled, and tried to even your breathing. You still stuttered as you spoke. “W-why did you have to do this to me? Wasn’t there an easier way t-to get what you wanted?”

One that wouldn’t have hurt you so much? That wouldn’t have ended up with you broken the way you feel you are now?

“This was the only way I could ensure you would end up mine. Only I can make you feel like this, _____.” Rohan cradled you gently, placing a soft kiss to the crown of your head.

It was with those words you realized something. Not only had Rohan made it so you couldn’t leave his house, his side--when he used Heaven’s Door on you, he had made it so you could love no one but him.

“I hate you. I hate you so much.” How you wanted the words to be true.

What a twisted game Rohan had pulled you into.

“I know.” He pulled you tighter against him. You let him.

“I’ll never say it aloud.” You threatened.

You doubt it mattered to him. Knowing that he would be the only one to ever hold your emotions-- all you happiness, sadness, your love and your hate-- that was all for Rohan now.

“You won’t have to.” He was right, again.

You knew it.

He was already content in the knowledge that you wouldn’t be able to love anyone but him. There was no winning with him from the start. You were his now whether you wanted it, or not.

So, for the time being, you let yourself have a break, and indulge in the comfort of another person.

When the next day came, you might even let yourself do it again.

#jjba #jojo's bizzare adventure #yandere rohan x reader #yandere rohan kishibe x reader #yandere rohan #rohan x reader #rohan kishibe

[stilldancewithyou]

I saw you talking about the "cheating" ( It was NOT cheating for me since they had broken up) and It got me thinking how much I hated the third book and how much It made me hate Belly and Conrad. I mean Belly was projeting HARD on Jere with the whole cheating( because she wanted his brother) thing and never make a decision for herself (even call off the wedding was Jere's decision, not Belly's) and Conrad had to years to talk about his feelings and choose the worse time ever. The hurt they both caused Jere could be avoided If they both were honest and had more care. It's not Jere's fault think he and Belly had something strong when they were toghether for years and she choose to go to his college. It's not Jere's fault that Conrad always bury his feelings. Also, we don't see Belly knowing Conrad outside summer either. We saw Belly and Jere in a serious relationship with the good and the bad and we see Jere's good and bad side and Conrad just became the "perfect" man sudenly and we don't see his flaws (in the third book) and how Belly and him would work in a real relationship. The way she let Jere and how the endgame playied out let me down so much and even If I liked Belly and Corad I would be disapointed because their ending was very rushed. Belly playied with Jere's feelings and Conrad too (he told Jere could be with Belly and he told Belly to go to Jere) and somehow Jere is hated for most of the fandom for a "cheat" on Belly when they were broken up...

I agree with you in some ways. I don't get why Jere is so hated and ripped for the "cheating" thing, which I didn't really see as "cheating" either. I mean yes, it was still kinda a dick move because it was obvious he did want to try and get back together with her. But there's also this part where she says that they were just on a break and that she knew they'd get back together so therefore he should have known too, and he clearly says that he really thought they were broken up. And despite believing they were broken up, he still felt really bad about it. Once I got past the shock of it, I understood why he did it and how bad he felt about it and I forgave him. My dude had so much going on between grieving Susannah, the anniversary of her death was around that time, his insecurity about Conrad and knowing Belly had seen him and kept that from him...I'm not at all saying that excuses him cheating. It was still wrong, I just think people forget what Jeremiah was dealing with emotionally at that point in time. There's actually a very interesting parallel in the 3rd book, the argument they have about the "cheating" at the beginning where he proposes vs the scene at the end when he asks her if she still loves Conrad and she's trying to convince him to still get married. The difference though is that at the end Jeremiah realized what he didn't the first time around, when he proposed- that if he truly, truly loved her enough to spend the rest of his life with her, he never would have "cheated", and if she loved him enough to get married, she wouldn't still want Conrad.

I agree that Belly was a little unfair to Jere and she wasn't that great to him during their relationship. She was kinda insecure about still having feelings for Conrad, but I felt like she did try really hard to commit to Jere. I liked that the second book allowed you too see bits of her short relationship with Conrad and their dynamic, and then the 3rd book showed you her serious relationship with Jere and their dynamic. They were really cute in the college chapters before shit went down hill, although what got to see of their relationship felt like an extension of their friendship, like they still had the same dynamic. And the growth in Taylor and Belly that the 3rd book showed I loved. Belly really grew into herself more in college.

I didn't think Conrad suddenly became the perfect guy. I feel like the 3rd book showed you the Conrad that the 1st book talked about. And it showed that Conrad had taken that time living by himself to really grow up and become independent- because it was important to him to be independent and not need his dad or that much of his dad's money. I LOVED all the bits of Conrad and Belly sharing the Cousins house and him making sure she ate healthy food, cooking for her, and fixing things around the house. they were so domestic. that really showed what it would be like if they lived together, and it showed how much Jeremiah hadn't figured out or even considered about moving in and getting married. like he wasn't taking the wedding and moving in together thing that seriously and he really needed to take some time to grow up and grow into himself before he thought about marrying anybody. And so did Belly.

I agree that none of the things you mentioned were Jere's fault, but I think they were all just as much to blame. Jeremiah KNEW that Belly loved Conrad and would always choose Conrad over anyone, and he figured out that Conrad loved her back and he still CHOSE to pursue her. That's on him. In the 1st book he saw that Conrad wanted her and then went and admitted his feelings to her and then he pursued her again in the 2nd book. Yeah Conrad gave him permission, but it was also up to Belly. And he knew for most of their relationship that she still loved Conrad, but he chose to say nothing and to never have a conversation with her about it until the very end. Conrad fucked up a lot, but he also did a lot of the things he did because he thought that was what was best for everyone, he thought he was taking care of them and protecting them by letting Jere have her and not admitting his feelings. He does acknowledge at the end that he fucked up not telling her how he felt in the motel and said he wished he could go back and change it and that it's his biggest regret. He shouldn't have told her the night before the wedding, but I think she needed to hear it before she made a decision whether to marry Jere. And I think if he hadn't said anything, the wedding would have turned out very differently- it was what caused the wedding to unfold the way it did. Belly made mistake after mistake too. But she was made to feel like Jeremiah was the "right" choice and like she shouldn't love Conrad. And she was afraid of losing both of them. She thought choosing one meant losing the other. So yeah it was messy af and dramatic and it sucked for everyone, because they all got deeply hurt by each other.

I'm sorry you felt let down and unsatisfied with the ending. I know not everyone is gonna like it and it's okay that you don't. I'm just glad you at least read it and gave it a chance. Just keep in mind that Jenny Han wrote it the way she did and things happened the way they did for a reason. She's very careful and deliberate with her creative choices, so I trust that she ended it the way she did because it was important to the story and journey being told and the themes of the story.

The ending was rushed but as I've mentioned before, I think Belly chose herself at the end, and I kinda loved that. And then we get to see that Jere was at Belly and Conrad's wedding and she waved at him and blew him a kiss. And in Conrad's letters, he mentions that he heard she's been messaging Jere and they've been talking and it's making him a lil jealous that she won't write him back. So I think it's pretty clear Jere and Belly reconciled and at least are okay with each other. they may not be the same best friends as they were, but they forgave each other. So she got Conrad as her husband and Jeremiah as a friend. she didn't lose either of them.

one last thing! on a slightly different and more positive note. my absolute favorite part of the third book is Conrad's POV. He was soo funny and honest and also made me wanna cry at times. Jere's POV in the 2nd book was good but Conrad's...just hit different. I think because he doesn't say all that much, he buries his feelings and he holds back a lot when he tells other people things, reading his thoughts and narration and being in his head was so helpful to understanding him and seeing his personality. Having his unfiltered thoughts was just so fun, cause he does not hold back. his reactions to everything were so funny. Jenny Han did a really good job with that aspect.

#tsitp #tsitp spoilers #tsitp ask #we'll always have summer #the summer i turned pretty #tsitp unpopular opinions and critiques #jeremiah fisher #team jeremiah #conrad fisher #team conrad #belly conklin

[symptoms-syndrome]

I am a white passing (mostly I think?) System , only an 8th Japanese n 4th Mexican, n have started to notice over time I have alters who are completely white.. I get people who if I say I'm white, scoff and disagree; especially white friends, but including my other filipino and Asian friends in the past. but there are also people who would agree that I am just white.

Only as I'm older, and have spent more time with the Japanese part of my family, I realize that I feel very bad when I engage openly with parts of my heritage that are on the Japanese or Mexican side because I was raised by a very white (and racist) step-parent, I feel like it is me appropriating it. People have made racially insensitive comments to me about my art saying it makes sense that we can draw what we draw because of being part Japanese, and also about my appearance and food habits.

Overall, I don't know how to integrate these experiences, as I realize parts of us often feel as if we are 100% white and I'm too priveliged to complain about it, but I also am painfully aware that we are not even perceived this way by many people outside of us. Some alters have used Japanese and Spanish names when we were younger/still have those names, some even given to us by family, which often make me feel very embarrassed to talk about publicly.

How can you best tell if something you are doing is true to yourself, or if it is harming other people? Your post about race within systems made me think about it more, and I don't often talk about it with anyone because it makes me feel bad about myself. So it is interesting to see the discussion around it. Thank you for reading.

Sry I'm not at the top of my game today (I've been moving shit around + doing a lot of heavy labor for like three days aaa) but I wanted to answer this before I like. Forget.

I think there's a misconception that having privilege and being disprivileged are mutually exclusive categories. As in, people think you're either "privileged" or "oppressed." This isn't really true! That's part of what intersectionality is all about. You can hold the privilege of being white passing/light skinned/etc while also facing oppression based on your race/ethnicity/culture. Kind of like how someone can be oppressed for being disabled while also holding privilege for being white.

For example, I am someone who is visibly Asian but grew up primarily in white culture. I face racism most often on the basis of my visible race, as in the physical features I have; like my monolid eyes and tan skin. One of my friends is half Black, and was raised very much in Black culture by their dad, but is much lighter skinned than me. She may not face racism based on the way she looks as often, but she still faces racism on the basis of her cultural background, like the food she eats or the way she speaks.

To try and say one of us is more or less oppressed than the other is kinda silly. It's apples to oranges. Both of us face oppression based in racism, and that's what we should both be focusing on! She can complain about her oppression and I can complain about mine and neither diminishes the other. We can hold that our experiences are different while acknowledging they have the same cause (a deviation from whiteness.)

Think of oppression less like a linear spectrum and more like boxes we all have to carry. Some people may have lots of little things in their box, some people may have one or two big things, but ultimately what's in the box doesn't matter, the box is heavy regardless of what exactly is inside it. And saying my box is heavier than someone else's doesn't make theirs any lighter.

As for what makes something "true to yourself," that's hard to say from an outside perspective. It sounds to me from your ask like you have some strong cultural connections in your family, and I encourage you to embrace them! There's nothing wrong with learning about cultures regardless of how much you personally connect with them. I am not often perceived as German, but I have very strong cultural connections to German culture. Obvi that's a little different, but my point is the same: don't worry about what other people will think. Your relationship to your own identity is yours to decide. As long as you're not holding your cultural connections over anyone's head, they're your business! And it seems like your intentions are good, which I know isn't always the end-all be-all but that means it's fine to make mistakes. As long as you are honest and upfront, I believe you'll be fine!

I also want to mention that the idea of "white passing," much like many other types of passing, isn't really a black and white situation either! I thought I was remarkably white passing a lot of my life as well, but now I know I'm definitely not. My friend I mentioned before has often passed for white, but a lot of her Black peers say that they can definitely tell she's half Black. There are also, for a large variety of reasons, people who's cultural background and identity don't match up with their ethnicity, and that's fine too.

I guess the TLDR here is that I would try and avoid thinking of exploring your own identity as something you can "mess up." Identity is really complex and something many people of color wrestle with our whole lives. You're not wrong for finding it hard to grapple with. Just remember that sometimes things that seem mutually exclusive actually aren't, and it's possible to hold many seemingly contradictory parts (no pun intended) at the same time.

Wishing you love on your personal journey 💕

#race and DID #asks #also re:parts feeling white. i have a post somewhere abt that. its rly hard!!! its rly complex!!!

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

Hi! I'm sorry that you've been going through this. Breakups are really fucking hard. There is no time limit for the pain. It really does just hurt for as long as it hurts. That doesn’t sound helpful, and I do wish I had something more positive to say.

I have been with people who have taken months to get over and others that took years. When it came to losing the person I considered to be the love of my life, I eventually had to cut off all contact. That was probably the hardest part for both of us. I engrossed myself in my hobbies and I rebuilt my friendships. I did things outside of my comfort zone. I started running and created a route that was along the ocean. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I lived alone and most importantly I learned how to love being alone. So even though that particular break up still aches many years later, I know I'll be okay in the long run whenever the pain sparks up again. (and honestly the road there was not pretty. it was filled with with a lot of alcohol and cryingsobbingprobablyscaringmyneighbors and "26" by paramore and walks of shame...but there's no shame in the journey???) But anyways, what I'm trying to say is to just give yourself time to FEEL it and don't forget to take care of yourself in the meantime. When your heart is ready to let go, it will happen. <3

thank you so much for this :'( i'm sorry, but i'm also inspired by you to keep going, and to even improve the quality of my life despite heartbreak. i did feel so engrossed in my previous relationship, so invested in the long run. the break-up felt earth-shattering. i've been building up my life pretty well since - moving back to my home turf, getting a job, finding an apartment, honoring quality time with my family and friends. but the shock of what happened is still strong enough to throw me off balance almost every day. it's mainly bc i've been holding up a big part of the process by staying in contact with them (until a week ago or so, and i also think cutting off contact completely is necessary now) and by bottling up a lot of my emotions bc i don't want to get into them while living with my parents.

it just feels so good to read everyone's accounts now, kinda as a warm-up for my thorough breakdown lol. i have friends who have been through rough breakups but as with any tough thing we love not talking about it, especially if the pain lasts long. and so many ppl have their own shit going on so yeah, even if my friends ask, i don't feel like bursting out in tears for a few hours during a party. here it feels so cool bc we come together bc we're ready to talk about it yk. this has helped me so much to open that door for me to finally address what's been going on in my mind, what i've been through these past months

#this is such a ramble but ok #TY FOREVER #asks #m

[hazbincalifornia]

Truths

Chapter 39: There is another conversation on the bed.

Warnings: Explicit sexual content, mpreg.

Ao3 link

It felt… different this time. Stolas wasn’t as impatient as usual. In fact, he was slow and careful, fingers tracing gentle trails over Blitzo’s skin when he pulled back from the kiss.

“Tell me what you want,” Stolas murmured. “What you need me to do. I’m listening, I promise.”

Blitzo leaned back on the pillows. “Just…” He clicked his tongue, which was tied for once, and his fists curled, tail thumping as he tried to think.

What did he want? Why had he even agreed to this by not pushing away the second he realized where they were? Sure, the sex was usually great, the fact that they’d gone a few more rounds even after the heat had faded proved that if nothing else, but falling back into Stolas’s bed was just tying them back to the same shitty pattern that had started this whole mess. He relied pretty damn effectively on being able to just ignore his feelings by smothering them in lust. Un-fucking-fortunately, the longer this happened, the more and more he was ensnaring himself in like a sticky bug trap, red-hot quicksand streaked with jizz at every delicate little coo and flash of backlit feathers flickering like embers.

Letting himself get too comfortable by not pushing away when Stolas had tugged his pants off in the hotel all those months ago even though it hadn't been the full moon... the balance tipped for one night and then the weight slammed down hard on that careful seesaw they'd only just started to balance on, tossing Blitzo up to the point where he still hadn't landed yet, and who fucking knew if there would even be a net when he did. It was a recipe for complete fucking disaster and he knew it. It was better that somebody was gonna take the kid, so he could more effectively smother those feelings with a concrete pillow. (So what was he doing here, what was he doing here, with Stolas's breath still between his lips?)

“Just what?” Stolas prompted again, and Blitzo’s tail flicked at the side of his head.

“Just gimme a minute, geez. I should be the moody impatient one here.” He didn’t want to completely ruin the moment, at least not yet- not unintentionally. Stolas had set a night sky in the canopy above them with a wave of his hands, and the stars twinkled merrily even as the baby shifted inside of him. Now that they were out of the mall with its stink of grease and mud and sulfur, his breaths could come just a little easier without a dozen prying eyes. It smelled like just the two of them, sweat and oak and cinnamon.

Stolas’s hand rested on the curve of his belly. “You’re beautiful.” His voice was low, but it wasn’t his ‘horny’ voice- it was subtler, softer. “I never want you to forget that.”

“Kinda hard to forget that you think that when you call me hot shit every other day.” Blitzo rolled his eyes. “Any other day, I wouldn’t argue, but no offense-”

Stolas chuckled, cutting him off. “That’s the idea, though.” He shifted closer, moving his body between Blitzo’s legs and reaching up to set an index finger on his chin, forcing their eyes to meet. “I always mean it, but especially today, even when you’re tired and aren’t trying to play it up for me. You’re incredible, and I’m sorry that I never properly acknowledged it before. Acknowledged you before. I’ve been fumbling these past few days, but it’s because I want to do this right, darling. Do you right.”

Blitzo sunk down in the pillows a bit with a mumbled ‘that’s what she said’, but Stolas’s glowing eyes and soft smile were stirring his cock from between his legs, especially with the taste of his tongue still lingering on Blitzo’s own. Maybe he was just worked up from all the walking that had gotten him hot. Hormones and all that shit.

“You have what must be a difficult job, and you always survive. You were resourceful, bedding me to get the book, although I can’t imagine how you thought the morning after would go.”

“I wasn’t really thinking that far,” Blitzo admitted as Stolas withdrew a bit, setting his hands on top of Blitzo’s thighs instead. “I just figured I’d charm you into letting me keep it. It mostly worked out, didn’t it?” He had to wiggle up into a better sitting position in order to see Stolas over his belly, but Stolas's grin when he did was brighter than any spotlight.

“Sweet, impulsive Blitzo. Of course it did, why else would you still be here now?” He was using his name, not a nickname for once. That was… good. Really good, actually. There was a little pinprick on his inner thigh- oh. Stolas was kissing the skin there. It still felt weird with his beak sometimes, especially when it was extra-sensitive like now, but it was also light, and Stolas was clearly taking care to keep it that way. “You’re fiery and fierce and clever and brave and unexpected and wonderful. Things have been… rough, but the thought of getting to see you, to talk to you, makes it all worth it. You’re my universe, darling- you and Via are the most important things in the world to me.”

The kisses moved up to his belly, bypassing his dick entirely- which was a shock, considering generally that was Stolas’s favorite part. The guy worshiped his cock with a fervor usually reserved for deranged cultists. Blitzo’s fingers dug into the sheets as Stolas made his way up the warming skin before resting his chin on top of it, eyes fluttering with white pinpricks glowing as they focused on his face. “I love you, Blitzo.”

That shot fire directly into his heart, because Stolas said it with complete conviction. Blitzo’s eyes widened, heart thumping like a rabbit running from the business end of a shotgun. He was just saying it. He had to be. But… god, the soft smile sure looked like he believed it. (Even if it couldn’t last, even if Blitzo was surely going to fuck this up, even if the kid came out with their head on backward…)

He cleared his throat, attempting to scoot away before his back hit the headboard almost instantly, Stolas's chin slipping slightly. Defuse, defuse, defuse, don’t let it linger, this was too much, this was too much- “Uh, getting a little sappy there, princey. You sure you didn’t take a drink before we started this or something?”

“It’s true.” Stolas blinked at him slowly with all four eyes. “I wanted this for a reason- wanted you for a reason. You think I couldn’t get another imp in here in an hour who would be half the trouble?”

His chest tightened again. “Gee, thanks.”

Stolas’s head tilted slightly. “But I don’t want anyone else, and I haven’t ever entertained the idea. It’s you that I want. It’s always been you since you sauntered in and changed my life for the better.” Stolas nuzzled his cheek against Blitzo’s warm belly. “If I didn’t care, don’t you think I wouldn’t have simply let you get rid of the baby? I want this, and I want you. I knew that this would be difficult and frustrating and perhaps not the wisest choice, but it’s the only one I could make because it’s the one that brings me closer to you.”

Stolas’s fist curled against the bedspread. “I hate the fact that I can’t bring them into Via’s old nursery, hate the fact that I can’t just bring you into the palace and do this together, so you could come back from work and join us. I want them to know that I love them as much as I’ve ever loved you and Via, and I’ll spend as much time as I can at Aamon’s, I just…” He trailed off. “But even if it will be hard, I’m glad that we’re doing it. Having a child with you is something incredible, and I hope they have a spark of your spirit, that they’re like you. That would be the best gift of all.”

When did his cheeks get the right to be burning like deepest hellfire?

“I wouldn’t wish me on anybody,” he barely mouthed to himself before looking away, but Stolas’s eyes narrowed.

“Blitzo…”

He cleared his throat. “Okay, okay, you’re a sweet guy, even though you can be pretty far up your own ass sometimes, alright?”

“I’d rather be up yours,” Stolas replied, and Blitzo felt his mouth twitch. “I care about you- both of you. Can’t you believe me on that?”

Blitzo reached out a hand almost unconsciously, petting over Stolas’s head, and the prince made a series of happy little chirps. He only realized that he was smiling when his chest vibrated with a matching purr, and Stolas continued to nuzzle against his belly.

“Between me and your bitch of a wife, you know how to pick ‘em, don’t you?”

“That's a long story, but I do,” Stolas said, a bit of self-satisfaction seeping back into his tone. “I knew you’d glow with pregnancy, but not that you’d look this good.”

“Come on, I just told you, parts are still fine, but-”

“Hup-up.” Stolas shook his head. “Nothing bad about yourself while laying in this bed.”

“Technically, I’m sitting.”

Stolas raised his lower left eye and Blitzo groaned.

“Come on, you really think I’m hot like this? I feel like dogshit.”

“I’ll have to make you some more tea for nausea if you need it, then.” Stolas pushed himself up before shifting over Blitzo’s leg, settling himself on the bed next to him. He cupped the imp’s cheek, fingers flat to avoid pinching. “But I truly do mean it. There’s a glow to your skin. Your eyes have bags under them, but that will go away once you start sleeping properly again. It might help if I try sleeping with you for a few more days.”

“Of course you’d say that.” Blitzo crossed his arms, but Stolas’s fingertips on his face kept him from looking away.

“This isn’t an attempt at manipulation, and we don’t have to do anything more than stay close. Stella was a bit more cuddly than usual when she was with Via, as if her body craved contact with mine.”

Again, Blitzo was reminded that Stolas had more practice at this than he did. “Well, if I go one more night with the kid playing whack-a-mole with my guts, I might take you up on that.”

“They’ve been alright the past few minutes, haven’t they? And you haven’t complained of it the past few days…” Stolas’s palm settled on Blitzo’s stomach again.

“Yeah, they have.” Blitzo looked down. “Maybe they’re just glad I’m not pissed off at you anymore.”

“That makes two of us. And speaking of…” Stolas’s eyes darted down between his legs when something between them twitched. Now that his pupils were actually visible, it was a little more clear where he was looking.

Blitzo pressed his legs together upon the realization that his cock was definitely out. “Unless you want to blue-ball me, then I’m not gonna turn it down, but I’m not doing anything that requires effort, got it?”

“Goody!” Stolas slipped between Blitzo’s legs again, everything disappearing but the tuft of feathers at the top of his head and his long legs that were stretched out on the bed. Blitzo felt him almost immediately though, that talented tongue making its way up his cock from the base as he bit back a moan. Once Stolas made his way up to the tip, he popped up just enough that Blitzo could see his eyes but not his mouth.

“Is a blowjob-”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s good.” Blitzo strained to reach forward and shove Stolas back down, and the little assertion of force made Stolas’s tail waggle a bit in excitement before his beak engulfed the tip. He started taking it in, lewd moans that only worsened Blitzo’s arousal as it twitched inside Stolas’s mouth.

“F-fuck, Stolas…” His fingers started digging into the feathery head, and its bobbing made stars explode inside of him the same as the shooting ones in the galaxy swirling above.

The warm, wet mouth pulled back. “Is that-”

“Yes, it’s doing it for me, go back to getting me off right now,” Blitzo said. He felt Stolas’s warm hand wrapping around his length as the owl raised his head one more time.

“I want to see your face when you cum,” Stolas said, his smile so earnest it almost hurt. “You’re so handsome when you’re completely full of bliss.”

“Cut the- ghh!” Blitzo was cut off when Stolas gave a light squeeze. “Ohhhh, fuck, do that again.”

“With pleasure.” Stolas stroked a few times before his fist curled and loosened again. “Your body is so lovely.”

“C-can you not-”

“But this is the perfect time!” Stolas didn’t stop jerking his hand and even tightened his grip as he continued to speak. “Your muscles are shivering, there’s a thin glaze of sweat over everything, and your face is just carved perfectly, even with a little bit of extra on it from having to keep up with developing the little one. I couldn’t have made someone better if I’d tried, and now pregnancy’s given you a rich glow. If we weren’t in hell, I’d say you were Heaven-sent.”

Blitzo could feel his orgasm coming, and he bucked his hips up. “Stolas, for the love of satan-”

“You’re perfect, Blitzy.” His eyes fell to half-lidded, the white stars at the center of the red slits all that Blitzo could focus on. “You’re perfect because you’re mine, but also because you’re yours. You’re excitable and enthusiastic and talented and worth every second I get to spend with you. I love every piece of you because it’s you, and I’d never change a bit of it.”

Blitzo came with a cry, and Stolas kept pumping until the last bit of cum had been milked out before wiping his hand on the sheet and pulling Blitzo into a kiss.

“I never want you to think that I don’t care about you as a person ever again.”

In the post-orgasm haze muddied further by the exhaustion in his bones and the determined sincerity of the words, Blitzo found himself, by some mushy, deep-down part of him that wanted this moment to linger forever, almost believing him.

#helluva boss #gonna toss it into the tag for the first time in a while #one time #spicy text #shadow writes stuff #helluva mpreg #daddy shadow