#and that's partially how she gets her Regret bc she actually gets to see how much her death affects kyoko for once

[whimsicalcotton]

.

#homura thinks they're tired bc of wraiths but actually they're tired bc they communicated their feelings to each other clearly for once <3 #also as all of this fuckery is occurring i am picturing live slug reaction sayaka #i never say it outright but she sure is watching all of this unfold like a goddamn soap opera going 'gee akemi has Issues' #bc in my french vanilla fantasy part of her godly secretary duties is to keep an eye on these three (probably mitakihara as a whole too) #and that's partially how she gets her Regret bc she actually gets to see how much her death affects kyoko for once #and they're all just a big gay mess kept apart by layers of existential barriers your honor #i need to come up w an excuse to write something w all 5 of them. for Me and my Sanity #sorry lol morning writing hours so i am rambling into the void #nebular.txt

[fuckmeyer]

Jasper as a character is so interesting because he ends up a Confederate because he can't actually empathise with the slaves and because he simply accepts cruelty around him, and then when he becomes a vampire he literally can't ignore others suffering because it hurts him, but even decades after he becomes a Vegetarian he still can't get a hang of it partially because he still can't see humans as *people*. Idk there's smth to be said about him becoming a vampire because of his own cruelty and then being eternally in horrific pain because of said cruelty that fucks.

Jasper's whole life is a curse & i love to see it

here we have a Confederate supposedly so empathetic that he acquired a "gift"... yet not so empathetic as to recognize he was fighting for the enslavement of an entire race. despite seeing the consequences of slavery literally every day. now, the man who spent his last human days denying the humanity in others is forced to spend his immortal life being slapped in the face with their emotions. forever. hueeueueueu-

yeah, i would call that "gift" a curse, actually.

if Twilight weren't a horror story, we might see a discussion between Jasper/Bella about how immortality forces you to confront the darker side of your nature (e.g. "there will come a day when the societal beliefs imbued unto you leaves you standing on the wrong side of history"), & Jasper's journey with finding love & humanity. OR, y'know, he could've just had ONE (1) line where he says "yeah i'm not proud of my service." simply, if Twilight weren't a horror, Jasper could see the error of his ways & change for the better.

HOWEVER. Twilight vampires are "mentally frozen" when they turn, so Jasper is likely still a racist who does not regret his service. no matter how many times he is confronted with his cruelty, he won't change. meaning whatever life he chooses, his gift dooms him.

wow! eternal curse!

we see evidence of this frozen mental state in his decision to go vegetarian. he doesn't switch bc he feels bad about killing humans:

"I could feel everything my prey was feeling. And I lived their emotions as I killed them. [...] You've experienced the way I can manipulate the emotions around myself, Bella, but I wonder if you realize how the feelings in a room affect me." (Eclipse, Ch 13)

note the dehumanizing term "prey" & the focus on himself. he laments not that the human lives he's taking have value but that their dying moments harsh his vibe.

the irony! trapped as an empath while never possessing the ability to be an empath! CURSE CURSE C-

herein lies a bigger, juicier curse: Jasper is, himself, (hot take) enslaved in the sense that he will never know freedom, philosophically speaking, due to the choices he made in life. the series tries to paint him as a master tactician & competent leader; fanon often paints him as a free-thinking amoral black sheep. in reality, he simply obeys the commands of higher authorities & abides by their worldview regardless of how toxic it is to himself or others.

in the beginning, he had María.

he entered the Southern Vampire Wars not by his own volition but stayed because he was content not having a choice. however one feels about María, the fact of the matter is 1) as a newborn he was stronger, bigger, & faster than her & could have run away or overpowered her, 2) had the "gift" to identify emotions & could KNOW when/if she was malicious or manipulating him, & 3) could have escaped by influencing her emotions to make her disinterested in him. at any time in the 100 years they were together, he could have left. he talks about never knowing a life outside the war & discovering "options I'd never dreamed I had." ok???? run 100 miles in any direction & you would have seen a life outside of war. BOI-

instead, he took comfort in being submissive & adopting someone else's ideology. not only did it remind him of his past, but it meant he had no need to reflect on his actions or beliefs. he prefers others dictate his worldview & order him around even if it means being unhappy. he only left because he was going to be assassinated, & even then, it wasn't until someone else told him another life was possible that he "realized" another life was possible.

notably, the period where he's most free— living with Peter & Charlotte— is his rock-bottom where "the depression got worse." but, again, not because he realized the value of human life: "I was so wearied by killing [...] even mere humans."

then he meets Alice.

Alice, who has visions of being vegetarian & converts him so they can live with the Cullens. Alice, who dictates how her family should live their lives to the point where she manipulates them. Alice, who goes so far as to dress the Cullens, who orders Jasper to wait in the car while she & Bella go shopping, who Jasper refers to as "truly [...] one frightening little monster" because for all his experience she can still beat him in combat.

his eternal soulmate is authority.

despite being unhappy with his vegetarian life, as it makes him feel weak & coddled & a liability to everyone around him, he follows the lifestyle because Alice tells him to.

then there's the Volturi, another authoritative body. "We owe the Volturi for our present way of life," says acclaimed bootlicker Jasper Hale, who in the same moment shudders at the atrocities they committed, yet strangely sees no other way for a governing body to keep the peace... so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

but, since Carlisle outranks the Volturi as an authoritative figure in that he more closely aligns with Jasper's new worldview, Jasper sees no problem deposing the vampiric governing body if it means his sister-in-law of like 2 months can keep her demonic spawn. so i guess we don't really owe the Volturi that much

to his credit, we see glimmers of him questioning his leaders: 1) his decision to leave Maria, 2) his considering switching diets to defeat Victoria, & 3) going against the Volturi. but, again, these decisions are all just a result of his self-preservation & submitting to the higher authority du jour.

in the end, he has the perfect storm of conditions that would allow him to escape the prison he's created, to find freedom & to love humanity unconditionally... but he won't. Jasper's ultimate curse is that regardless of whether he realizes the enslavement of his own self, he will never leave his cage because it's cozy & easy & allows him to never think for himself.

AAAANYWAY Jasper's life sucks & he's trapped in an eternal prison of his own making. lol

#twilight #twilight renaissance #the twilight saga #jasper hale #twilight meta #twilight headcanon #you're right there really is something to be said about jasper the shitfuck confederate ending up in this situation!!! #like it would be tragic if it wasn't so comedic and if he didn't display a modicum of self-awareness!!!! #you make a great point about how he accepts cruelty his whole life and even when he's unable to ignore it he just is forced to accept it fo #ever #the absolute *chefs kiss* curse. smeyer coudlnt have written a better curse if she tried #in fact i do believe ALL the cullen gifts are actually curses in their own way #and it's so delicious to think about it that way #god i just love thinking about twilight as a horror #you're right riote- It Fucks #thanks for sending this my way! #cheers~

[likesunsetorange]

I’m a e2l fan so I want anything you could give us about it like characters likes /dislikes ? Small snippet (sorry Im so excited for this fic I’m asking for alot :,(no pressure though <3)

love you hope you’re doing good

hiii! you're so sweet, ily2! i'm mostly good! a little stressed bc school but i'm keeping it pushing haha

and you're not asking for a lot!! i've actually been talking a lot about this au with a few of my moots lately so i've been itching to share about it so honestly go crazy with asking about it!!! since i haven't gotten as many asks about this au i guess i'll make this ask kind of long and just kind of dump some of the stuff from my notes into it? and i have a tiny snippet i can share too!

so i'll just go on a long ass tangent below lol

okay, so first thing about this au, the one thing i really want to emphasize (without spoiling) is the whole thing about this au is that their breakup reason is important, but also that nobody in particular is at fault. sometimes life just happens, and things happen, and sometimes you just need to take a step back and re-evaluate yourself, your goals, and what you really want! it's about coming back together and choosing that person in the end because you realize not being with them is worse than whatever drove y'all apart!

tbh a lot of this au is partially inspired by my own breakup & how the experience of me getting over it! i was in my early 20s for the first time being single after being in a relationship since i was a teenager and i was like woah wtf idk how to be single/without a partner. so that's a big focus of that! learning how to find yourself and realign your goals and all that!

but we can get into the characters now!

eren:

definitely is a bit more obvious about missing mikasa, but tries to act like he doesnt (he has her highlight still up lol, not doing a good job at it)

mostly just works a lot while they're not together

after they breakup, mikasa moves out of their apartment, so he's stuck seeing all their stuff all the time

the first time they see each other its messy, they get into a big fight lol, they aren't allowed to hang out together lol

but he realizes pretty fast that he regrets the breakup, but he sees that mikasa seems to be doing okay, so he wouldn't wanna intrude on that

he gets armin in the breakup basically (mostly bc he sees armin more, but armin still talks to mikasa, just not as much as he does to eren obvi)

he picks up some of mikasa's hobbies bc he misses her so much lol he's down horrendous

at the very least does miss mikasa at least as a friend

mikasa

after their breakup, because she's kind of trying to spite eren, she starts going out a lot to cope—her "hot girl era" essentially lol

she definitely starts prioritizing herself a lot more, and spends more time with her friends and figuring out what she wants outside of eren

but she definitely misses eren, she's just better at hiding it lol

she partially thinks he just doesn't want anything to do with her anymore (a lot of this is just them being fucking idiots lol), and she basically doesn't try to stalk him or see what he's up to bc she doesn't wanna know out of her own peace of mind

she has very bad flight anxiety so when they fly to italy, she lowkey kind of hopes that eren doesn't change his flight (he does bc he has to do something not even to be petty), and she has a very terrible flight experience and all she wishes is that eren were there

and here's a little snippet! this takes place the day after they break up!! sorry for rambling LOl but hope you enjoyed my little tangent! :)

“Damn, Mikasa,” Gabi called out from behind her, only causing Mikasa to turn around. “We didn’t know you went out on weeknights.” 

Gabi, one of the college freshmen who worked at the gallery, had a tendency to say whatever was on her mind, never bothering to filter herself. Even if Mikasa had grown rather close to her since she started working at the gallery in August, sometimes she wished Gabi would just shut up.

Mikasa scoffed, confused as to what even prompted her to say that. “What are you talking about, Gabi? And don’t cuss so loud, especially where guests can hear you.”

“Your eyes, they’re all red. Not to mention how bad your bags are,” she said, pointing to her eyes. “Seems like someone was a victim of Sunday Funday.”

Mikasa lifted a finger to touch her eye—still puffy, but from tears, rather than drinking.

“Gabi, you’re not supposed to say stuff like that—it’s rude,” Falco chimed in.

“Hey, it’s not my fault she can’t handle her alcohol,” she shrugged, turning back toward Mikasa. “It’s okay, Mikasa, the prettiest girls are always the biggest lightweights. But anyway, are you feeling okay? Does our favorite party girl need some Tylenol? A Liquid IV, maybe? Even a Gatorade?”

Was she supposed to answer honestly? Tell them that she had spent the entirety of her night crying because she and her boyfriend had broken up. That she was sure that the cops almost got called by their neighbors from how loud they were yelling at one another? That Sasha couldn’t even understand her when she called, telling her she needed somewhere to stay because she stormed out of their apartment, not even giving Eren the chance to finish his sentence, somewhere after one of them had uttered the words, “We shouldn’t be together anymore?”

She had been doing so well, pushing the thoughts to the back of her head, trying to get through the entirety of her shift without thinking about everything—about him. She only had an hour left in her shift, but all of her efforts had been to no avail.

It was as if the wind had been knocked out of her, she suddenly lost the ability to breathe, and she felt all the blood drain from her face.

We aren’t together. We aren’t together. We aren’t together. The words playing in her mind on loop.

“Hey, Mikasa. Are you okay?” Falco asked, his eyes flooding with concern as he looked over Mikasa’s current state.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” she said quickly, before running off to the bathroom.

But maybe just this once, Mikasa was lucky for Gabi’s inability to shut her mouth—at least being hungover was a good enough cover for sobbing her eyes out in the bathroom.

#exes to lovers au #asks #vic’s wips

[ambrosialdesire]

https://www.tumblr.com/ambrosialdesire/748781466686832640/httpswwwtumblrcomambrosialdesire748770227596

Yes.. more ideas pls. Love girls kissing

-🌷

im gonna be so fr, ive never written lesbian content in detail before even though i have some ocs that are full fledged girl kissers lol BUT IMMA TRY MY BEST RN

mikasa was the one who took the initiative since she has the fading regrets of not confessing to eren before he was into you. cause in boundless/bounded, i feel like the scene where eren asking mikasa what has he to her wasn’t really in a romantic sense sorta but rather the confirmation if she was going to be able to change her answer or not to see if the path is really unavoidable yk (aka just the normal scene but without romantic intentions lol)

reader was shocked bc she didn’t think that mikasa liked her before (she also thought that eren was like mikasa’s one true love before yk 😭) and also that liking girls was an actual option, even though ymir was literally blatantly flirting with historia haha but she reciprocated, mostly to see if it’ll work out and the companionship would be nice as well.

their first kiss was really cute cause it was actually reader that kissed mikasa first. what happened was that it was early in the morning, she had to get up first to make breakfast (since it was her turn) and to take care for the child, so in her drowsiness as she got up, she mumbled a groggy good morning to mikasa before giving a peck on her lips and moving onto her duties. you have no idea how quickly mikasa got up from her sleep and ran to her to return the kiss more deeply. this causes reader to wake up even more cause what is going ON and then she starts realizing what she did earlier and what mikasa’s doing rn, so she kisses her back yippee ‼️

ngl i feel like after the reader and eren experience, she’d be more hesitant when it comes down to the more sexual things in the relationship and since she won’t tell mikasa what happened, she doesn’t push her boundaries about it, she’s simply fine with kissing and cuddling her.

mikasa’s a very coddling mother to eren and reader’s child, she teaches them some highly illegal defense and attack moves that she learned during her time as a soldier just in cause they face any bullies in the neighborhood or school 😭 but they share some sweet moments, one was where reader catches the kid sleeping in mikasa’s arms when she was reading a story book for them to go to sleep. even though mikasa doesn’t really completely see herself as the kid’s second mother, she believes and feels like she’s more of an aunt since they’re from eren and reader, she does let them call her mama (reader is mommy) cause she knows it’ll be confusing to them if she’s called auntie and kissing their mom 💀 LMAO

the both of them do teach the kid eventually about the full details of their bio dad and don’t hide the fact that he caused a whole ass mass homicide to humanity, and yeah that’s gonna be hella shocking to hear about that your dad is a mass murderer so they don’t really claim that part of his genes (despite them really looking like eren), which makes them a little sad cause they still partially believe that eren was a good person but they understand the reasoning behind it so they don’t force the idea that he was once someone admirable.

yandere mikasa is hella protective over this little family of theirs and would do anything for the both of them, so when an out-of-the-blue intrusion occurs, it ends just as quickly as it happens. she’s the only one awake when it happened and she’d do anything to protect the long deserved peace they have, what’s three more bodies and a lost rug? when reader wakes up, no blood or bodies are seen, she has no idea that a break-in even occurred. all she noticed was the nice rug they just bought last month was missing and mikasa just simply says that it got too filthy so she’s cleaning it. ignorance is bliss and she’ll keep it that way for her no matter what.

#love-message #boundless ask #bounded ask #🌷 anon

[bustyasianbeautiespod]

See I thought his “I forgive you” in episode 4 WAS partially in response to the “unforgivable, that’s what I am” speech from Crowley at the bandstand. Like the first time I ever watched good omens I thought it was Crowley saying “I can never be forgiven because I’m a demon” and Aziraphale, later, trying to say “but you are forgivable” and that kind of being a “god doesn’t love you but I do” thing. that was when I was 15 so I don’t think that’s what was happening there, or at least there was a lot more than just that. Cuz I don’t think Crowley is that self loathing? And I don’t know if I think Aziraphale thinks Crowley is self loathing?? Do you think Crowley is self loathing at all?

i mean i don't think it's a coincidence that he used the same word again so i think there's definitely supposed to be SOME of that "you are forgivable" stuff there! but i also feel like i have always read aziraphale's "i forgive you"s as "you're obviously doing something wrong right now and i want us to ignore it and move past it immediately. just be normal dude" just bc of how Firm and Flinty-Eyed he is when he delivers them, but perhaps i'm being uncharitable to aziraphale w that reading. it's hard to tell! that man is a total mystery to me and to himself half the time

re: crowley's self-loathing, i feel in my heart that she is totally fine w being a demon and has completely guiltless fun w their low-grade evil projects, but the show does seem to imply that at the very least, he regrets the fall? but it could just be what grey said in ep2 about how crowley doesn't rlly believe in hell's "mission" so they're just stuck working for another equally shitty company except this one doesn't even get to claim the moral high ground. i think the one moment of potential self-loathing we actually see in the show IS "unforgivable, that's what i am," but honestly, thinking about it now, that sounds just like crowley parroting back heaven rhetoric to aziraphale to show him how ridiculous and hateful it is rather than something he anywhere-close-to believes. plus, i feel like she makes her stance on heaven p clear all the time but esp in s2e6

as for whether AZIRAPHALE thinks crowley is self-loathing, i think if he actually thought crowley was self-loathing, he wouldn't spend all that time telling him that due to being a demon he must be a lying scheming tempter and all that shit, right? like, i always felt like they were basically doing roleplay during all their conversations about good vs evil and that both of them knew that they were doing roleplay. but also WHO KNOWS. s2 did NOT clarify any of aziraphale's words or actions to me At All so i'm just going to live in perpetual confusion until 2027 or something

- Crystal :)

#i need more aziraphale understanders in my life. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HIS HEAD #asks

[cherienymphe]

Cherie you already know im about to ask for a directors cut on the twice bitten series because its my favorite

Ok so most of this is what I said in an ask months ago, but-

Steve’s feelings about the reader are very conflicted and it’s what fuels his obsession with her.

He is very much attracted to her. No debate about that, but he has narcissistic tendencies and when it came to his previous wives, he actually got off on the fact that they were obsessed with him. He loved pulling the wool from over their eyes and revealing his true nature to them in the worst way possible before killing them. It was something like a game and that's to be expected because he's immortal now and he has very little respect for human life.

With Peggy, that wasn’t the case and it was solely bc of the reader. The reader ruined his game. So therefore, he don't like that bitch. The same reader who his best friend, his maker, is in love/borderline obsessed with. Before reader came along, he and bucky only had each other and now bucky is in love and half of his attention is going towards someone else. Now, his wife, who should be obsessed with and fawning over him, is also in love and giving attention to this same person.

He’s jealous of and hateful towards reader, but he’s also intrigued by her. After all, the two people in his life who should be focused on him in one way or another, are focused on someone else. Naturally, he’s going to want to know what makes the reader so special. He’s going to want to know what makes her so much better and more interesting than him. He's feeling inferior and to a human of all people. The climax in the first part was him just taking out all of that anger and jealousy and desire on the reader.

But in twice burned, he gets it. He starts to see what bucky sees. He sees the way reader loves bucky, and how her love drives her to do and put up with almost anything just to make him happy. Steve is so horrible to her partially bc he’s curious to see how much she’ll put up with just for bucky. He’s awed much like a scientist would be with an experiment. He wants to see how far she’ll allow him to go and in doing this, he recognizes her potential. “Imagine what she would do if she loved me? Imagine what she would take and put up with just to make me happy?”

The thought of the reader being so devoted to him that she’d allow almost anything is an arousing one to him. He wants that…but she doesn't want him. She never wanted him. Not once. During all the time she served his other wives she never paid him any attention in that way. It's a bruise to his ego, and so he punishes her for it. For daring to reject him and taking up half of Bucky's love.

In the last part, as we see their journey through the years, we see Steve's development. His development is what's most important. His growth fuels her growth. After all, you can't forgive someone who isn't remorseful for what they've done. As they both gradually accept the other's place in Bucky's life, and therefore their life too, the hatred and jealousy lessens. You're going to spend eternity with this person whether you like it or not. They accept this because neither one of them wants to be miserable for the rest of their days.

This acceptance is the first step for Steve. He notices more and more of her positive qualities. He falls way before she does, and it hits him like a stake to the chest because he realizes that he's in love with someone who still harbors so much hate for him, and it's his fault. He knows that he has to change if he wants her to look at him the way he starts to looks at her. He's literally in agony because he looks back and genuinely regrets the things he's done. His actions are unforgivable. He knows this and the knowledge that she'll never forgive him eats him up from the inside out, but it doesn't stop him from begging for it anyway.

He gets to a point where he knows he's not worthy of her, and even though she does eventually forgive him, he doesn't forgive himself and he worships the ground she walks on and looks at her like she hung the moon because she's so much better than he is and he knows that he's not worthy of her forgiveness and grace. He doesn't deserve her and he's happy to do any and everything to make up for that

#asks #director's cut

[teabookgremlin]

jackie x shauna playlist by me

it’s on apple music and i’m struggling to share it but here’s a list of songs and why. anyway this will be a hella long post bc i’m emotional and thinking about my girlies at 11 at night. i also have a tai x van playlist and a general yellowjackets playlist so i might do this for those at some point cause i like to talk lol

supercut by lorde: ok so the “in my head i do everything right/when you call we forgive and not fight” bit is like, yep that’s it. shauna spends her entire adult life in her head, wishing to redo their fight. also instagram user shipmvn made a FANTASTIC edit to this song you should go watch it (they actually led me to a fair amount of songs on this playlist)

the night we met by lord huron: “i had all of you, most of you, some and now none of you” thats it. that’s them

boyfriend by dove cameron: this song doesn’t entirely fit but like they would be better partners to each other than jeff was to either of them and also maybe if shauna had just realized she was in love with jackie they’d be alright

all too well (ten minute version) by taylor swift: “i still remember the first fall of snow/and how it glistened as it fell/i remember it all too well” this line just yeah, jackie died in the first fall of snow, shauna remembers everything about jackie and their relationship all too well

back to december by taylor swift: a song about feeling regret over lost love also again with the winter themes

ribs by lorde: the nostalgia, wishing to be back in childhood, when things were easier. i feel like some of the repeated lines are things that would run through shauna’s mind (or even jackie’s before her death) i.e. “i want ‘em back, i want ‘em back/the minds we had, the minds we had”

hurts like hell by fleurie: obviously lost love again, but there’s also a wish to keep the singer’s true feelings secret, as jackie and shauna did

how i get myself killed by indigo de souza: i feel like this song really represents jackie’s mental state as she falls apart especially after finding out about shauna and jeff

only love can hurt like this by paloma faith: i can see jackie’s death being the thing that makes shauna realize her true feelings for her

only friend by wallows: jackie just wants shauna to love her and care for her as much as she does her :(

haunted by taylor swift: not too deep here, just shauna being haunted by jackie 

i went too far by aurora: i think the idea of begging for love really fits jackie and shauna’s situation, then the loss felt in the song suits post-jackie popsicle

cigarette daydreams by cage the elephant: honestly just the line “you were only 17″ is just yeah “we were kids and it was awful”

little talks by of monsters and men: the artists describe this song as a conversation between someone and a dead loved one and i think that it just suits these girlies pretty well

cartwheel by lucy dacus: see the whole bit after “when you told me bout your first time”. it’s them, it’s literally them

seven by taylor swift: missing childhood innocence and love

prom queen by molly kate kestner: god save jackie [the prom queen]

that way by tate mcrae: thinking about the scene at the pep rally, yeah friends definitely don’t look at friends that way

one last time, please by dodie: shauna desperately wanting another chance, just one more night to make up, to tell jackie how she feels, to apologize

my tears ricochet by taylor swift: i picture this as being from dead jackie’s perspective, watching shauna deal with the grief

codependency by orla gartland: idk i just feel like it really represents why shauna started to resent jackie

i love you so by the walters: another fairly self explanatory one, i view it as a conversation between shauna and ghost jackie

visions of gideon by sufjan stevens: shauna kind of coming to a realization of exactly what she’s done, that jackie is gone and that it’s partially her fault

hard feelings/loveless by lorde: another lost love song full of regret and pain and wishing for a way to repair what was broken

older by gracie abrams: probably kind of in the woods, as they drift apart

your graduation by modern baseball: “i never though that i, oh i would see that day/when i’d just let you fo and walk away, walk away”

the way i loved you by taylor swift: adult shauna feeling unsatisfied with jeff and wishing that, despite the nature of her and jackie’s relationship, that she could go back to that and go back to it in a romantic sense

arms unfolding by dodie: so this reminds me of jackie’s dream as she dies

i’m trying by maisie peters: everything about their relationship is awful but jackie wants so badly to make it work and just i wanna scream

right where you left me by taylor swift: jackie is literally the girl who got frozen

this is not every song on the playlist just the ones i felt like talking about but yeah if anyone read this whole thing maybe you enjoyed it, idk i just wanted to get my thoughts out

#yellowjackets #rambles #music #jackie x shauna #i have a lot of thoughts ok #i should be allowed to write an essay on jackie and shauna for school #i’d ace it

[monstertidbits]

What do you think about the torden siblings and their parents?

haha nonnie did you know i think abt them all the time...

the sibs' relationships with their parents make me so sad and angry. it's obvious that laios is still incredibly hurt by their actions towards both him and falin- esp falin. she was the person who understood him best, the one who never left his side (even when he wanted her to, lol), and at the end, the only one who still believed in him and supported his dreams. they were the ones who took her away from him. i already guessed they sent her to the magic academy in order to get rid of her instead of "helping her" and then it got confirmed in the world guide like damn i knew they were trash but now i know they are trash! id bet they didn't even let laios know abt this before she had already left and he had nothing to do about it. but my own hcs aside; laios talks abt how his father never... truly communicated with him. at this point in life, he barely knows the man who raised him, and he feels such deep resentment bc of that. it's actually surprising bc we know laios- he's openly kind, trusting, supportive and apppreciative of the people around him, a man who can't lie and is very honest and direct in his intentions. he's really nothing like the father he describes, a cold man who keeps to himself to the point his own son can't comprehend him, and he doesn't want to be.

also do you sometimes think abt how laios' love for monsters and his wish to travel far away were deepened by how bad his home life was? it was a place he didn't belong because the people around him didn't want to understand and accept him, not even his own parents. they suffocated him, they let him know he will amount to nothing, and they couldn't even begin to accept the person he loved most- his own little sister. there was nothing for him there after she left. and falin... god... her eating all alone in her own home every single day, every single meal... she was lonely and neglected long before she left the village, and there's no way she didn't feel the animosity at her own home. i think she's the kind of child to suck it up and try to make things right and "behave" in order to have her happy little family again, but laios leaving destroyed the little of that life she still had... she was just a child who knew nothing of the world but her own parents feared her. their mother being described as "mentally frail" in the world guide too... like cmon... i'm sure she did NOT take her child being able to see and speak to ghosts very well. and it's easier to get rid of this weird, creepy little girl instead of confronting the other villagers and protecting their daughter and son. i guess being the village chief was more important than being a good parent...

i also think her being unable to make any friends at the academy must be connected to all this as well... both of them didn't manage to fit in school and had to endure such loneliness bc of that and their separation. at least falin met marcille, but laios never had that sort of friend in his life...

despite saying all this, i do understand that they are people living in a small, conservative village. they may think they did their best at the time, but at the end they haven't seen their children in years because of that... i hope they at least regret it, somewhat. i think laios not being able to forgive them for that is partially related to him not being able to forgive himself for leaving falin in the first place... and if he's so hard on his 12 years old self, how could he possibly find it in himself to forgive the grown adults who failed her?

#ahhh. #asks #anon #dungeon meshi on thebrain......

[imagine-nation20]

I’ll Stay Right Here

Summary: Living in mondstadt meant being used to living near the water. You however, never seem to get used to finding shells along the shore. You’ll do anything to get your hands on them, even take a hit from a shield-wielding mitachurl.

Requested by: Anon

Request: I'm starving for Kaeya content😤 so him with a s/o who fucking adores collecting shells and pretty flowers even if they're in the middle of a battle or if there are enemies camping nearby. The amount of times I've died trying to get a starconch is unreal. But it's always worth it bc pretty shells. They also like to give them to Kaeya too as a gift or sometimes an apology. I just l o v e collecting pretty shit man😭

Warnings:A bit angsty. Reader gets injured.

A/N: Anon, you are a whole mood. Now that I’m at a high enough level, sometimes I’ll just let the enemies hit me once or twice while I pick things up. Also, pausing mid climb to grab a geo sigil? More likely than you’d think. Also, I am sorry if this is super ooc, this is my second fic for Genshin Impact, and my first Kaeya fic, so I might need a bit more practice before I nail down his character completely.

~~~

Kaeya loves you, he really does, but sometimes you can be so frustrating. As captain of the cavalry, he has to deal with more than one oblivious airhead on the daily, and while he wouldn’t give you the title, he wouldn’t completely abstain from suggesting you can have airheaded moments.

Such as now.

It was supposed to be a simple clearing assignment. Jean had gotten reports of some particularly nasty hilichurl camps near the shore. Particularly over by Dawn Winery. If Kaeya had the chance to bother Diluc while also getting work done, he wasn’t going to pass up that chance. So when he heard Jean give you the assignment, he volunteered to accompany you. Doing work, annoying Diluc, and spending time with his significant other? Three birds, one stone.

Now, he was regretting coming along. You had gotten distracted pretty early on in the search for the camp, eyes landing on the sparkly item buried partially by sand. Kaeya knew you had a whole mantle full of them at home, but he never realized that you still were adding to said collection.

You turned to him, eyes shining in excitement as you bounced up and down on the balls of your feet, hydro vision bouncing and twinkling from where it hung on the lapel of your coat.

“Kaeya, do you know what this is?” You asked, holding up what was obviously a starconch.

Kaeya quirked a brow, a slight smirk on his face, “A shell?” He asked, already knowing that wasn’t the answer you were looking for.

His guess was only confirmed by the roll of your eyes and the drop of your shoulders, “It’s not just any shell, Kae,” You stressed. “This is a Starconch. They’re usually only found in Liyue. I’ve never gotten to see one in person before, and I never thought I would!”

Kaeya chuckled slightly, eyes filled with fondness at your child-like excitements. “Well, in that case, I’ll be on the lookout for more in the future.”

He was almost sure he actually physically blushed at the adoration in your gaze when you looked back at him. Your smile was big enough that he thought your face might stick that way, and oh what a sight that would be to see everyday. He wasn’t sure he would actually be able to handle it.

His excitement dropped when a figure, quickly approaching, loomed behind you. Just as he registered the wood of the mitachurl’s shield, you bent down to look through the sand more.

“(Y/N)-” He began to shout, his one uncovered eye wide. 

You must’ve felt the vibrations in the ground, because your head rose just as your companion took quick steps towards you. He was too late.

The shield slammed into you, sending you flying through the air and back into the sand. The sickening sound of the wood hitting your body filled his ears. You lay unmoving in the sand. Kaeya’s gaze was fixed on your immobile form until the sound of the mitachurl’s footsteps pulled him back to reality.

His icy gaze landed on the large, hulking monstrosity, crystals of ice beginning to form and float around him as the temperature in the area dropped significantly. The mitachurl didn’t last very long there after.

~~~

When you woke, you were tucked tightly into an unfamiliar bed. The sheets were soft, but the entire room was much too dark compared to your own. The blue blankets that draped over you were placed in such a way as to suggest that you had been covered and not just pulled them over yourself.

The door on the far side of the room opened, and the short, bright form of Barbara walked through. Her white dress was a stark contrast against the rest of the room. The heels of her boots clicked ont he wood floor. When she spotted you sitting up and awake, she gasped, a smile stretching across her face.

“Oh thank goodness!” She squeaked. “I was worried for a moment there. I mean… we all were.”

You were confused by what she meant until you followed her gaze down to your body. From almost head to toe, you were wrapped tightly in white bandages. 

“I should get Kaeya,” She mumbled, placing the tray of bandages she had in her hands onto the coffee table across the room. “He’s been with you almost day and night. Diluc had to come and drag him out so he would eat.”

“Diluc?” You’re brows raised. Barbara nodded.

“Not even Jean could convince him to move from that chair. Diluc didn’t even have to say anything to him though. It was scary,” Barbara seemed lost in thought. She promised to be back quickly before leaving the room again.

Your eyes wandered, recognizing where you were finally. This must have been Kaeya’s room. A shine caught your eye, and your head turned to the nightstand, spotting the starconch you had picked up before your injuries.

A bandaged hand came up, lifting the cool shell from the table and bringing it to your lap. Your eyes looked over it, studying each detail. It didn’t seem all that worth it now.

The door burst open and in strolled an unusually disheveled Kaeya. It was unusual to see him without his eyepatch, and even less so without his usual cape and fur. The only thing he was wearing was his pants, boots, and the white undershirt.. His hair clean, but it looked like that had been a recent development, as the ends were still damp.

He sighed out at the sight of you, speeding up to sit in the chair that had been pulled up next to your beside. His hands reached out, hesitating only slightly before he ran a hand down your cheek. There was a deep frown on his face, and for once, he didn’t have a witty one liner to fire at you.

“How are you feeling?” He finally asked, breaking the silence.

You frowned at his creased brown, hand coming up to smooth the anxiety that knit his brow. He sighed, eyes closing. His hand came up to gently pull yours away.

“I’m perfectly fine,” You whispered out. “I’m sorry.”

You looked down to the shell in your hand, moving to place it gently into Kaeya’s upturned palms. He stared down at it, unmoving. In the blink of an eye, he was almost doubled over in light laugher. It twinkled, like a bell, soft against the pounding of your head.

“Next time you want a shell, darling,” He still cradled the starconch like it was a precious treasure. “Just ask me to retrieve them for you. Maybe then we can avoid more accidents like this.”

You smiled sheepishly, but nodded. Kaeya smirked at you, leaning up to place a gently kiss upon your forehead, and then your nose, and then down to your lips.

“Rest,” He mumbled. “I will stay right here.”

#kaeya alberich x reader #kaeya x reader #kaeya oneshot #kaeya imagine #kaeya alberich #kaeya alberich oneshot #kaeya alberich imagine #genshin impact #genshin impact imagine #genshin impact kaeya #genshin impact oneshot

[sopebubbles]

These questions are so interesting!!! I really wanna hear a little 🌈 about each fic because I love them all!!!

Oof let's see. I don't really remember the moment of inspiration for each one, so I've tried to capture what I wanted to achieve with each story and a bit of my thoughts in the early part of the process. It got a bit long, so it's under the cut.

I honestly don't know what brought it up at the time that I decided to do The Sea Without You, but I've always been fascinated by the question of to what degree people are innately themselves. What makes you interested in your interests? It can't be all environment or upbringing. Would you still be you without all your memories and experiences? So that's part of the inspiration.

For The Pact, it was partially me looking at turning thirty and Jin turning thirty (I Korean age) and the fact of being older than all of the members. I feel like that's not a perspective that's explored very often, especially since there's so little Jin fic (particularly among smaus). I wanted to have a little bit older of a perspective. I think a lot of that at the time came from me getting to know my sister-in-law, who is from South Korea, better. The part where Yn's dad said she was so old Jin didn't need to ask permission to marry her was basically a direct quote from when my brother asked to marry his wife. We had also talked a lot about military service and things like that back then. I also wanted to play around with some tropes.

Bulletproof heart was inspired a lot by BTS's early era. I also had recently watched Moxie and wanted to create a female character who wanted to break the mold. I was really enjoying dipping into angst and hurt/ comfort after a lighter piece like the pact. Oh, I also wanted to start from a place where she could end up with anyone! I only planned the first arc when i started, and it really could have gone in any direction. In fact, a throuple want even in my imagination (thanks for that one, berry). For a while i thought it would end up being Tae, and there's an alternate version of chapter 17 that has Tae being her main source of comfort, before I decided to explore the seokjin route. Initially i thought of him as being too respectful and honorable to make it romantic. But I'm happy with the result.

21st century girl! This one actually started for some reason with me imagining the group chat between yn and the girls, called men are trash. I wanted to make an au where Yn actually had girl friends, and I decided to throw Jimin in there because I have a strong best friend Jimin agenda. I wanted to break all the fuck boy tropes and make a story where there wasn't any cheating or doubt, but growth and trust. I liked that he was teachable. I always wanted it to be Joon and after I heard his comments during the UN about how he consulted a women's studies professor about his lyrics, I knew he was the right choice.

The idea for Serendipity came from my lovely berry while i was still working on Bulletproof Heart. She was in a bought of baby fever bc of other fics she was reading, and she kept sending me bts baby edits and it somehow spiraled. It was always going to be jungkooks baby, but there was this side thing with Jimin, and somehow, within a couple of hours of rapid fire planning, it became a Jimin fic. No regrets. I never wanted it to be about the choosing between jimin and jk tho. I wanted it to be about BTS strengthening their bonds from a broken place, and Yn and the baby were just something that brought them together.

Sorry for making that so long 🙈

#ask game

[teenwolffanclub-me]

Season 1, Episode 12: Code Breaker

Hey there beautiful reader! If you’re new here, this is a series I’m writing where each chapter is an episode from the first season of Teen Wolf. If you’ve been here before, hey! I missed you! Previous and future chapters are linked at the end of each part if you want to catch up.

Pairing: Stiles x Psychic! Reader

Warnings: two very justified character deaths 

Notes: I feel like I blacked out and now we’re somehow on the last episode. Not sure how that happened so fast but here we are. Just prepare yourself bc this one is entirely too long but I didn’t want to do two parts 🤷‍♀️

Does anyone want me to continue with Season 2? Please let me know bc I won’t do it unless people are actually interested.

I also wanted to give a shoutout to everyone who has sent me nice comments and showed love on this series. It’s meant the absolute world to me!

Okay now let’s get some closure!

                                                    ————————

I walked through the hallways of the high school, using every ounce of willpower I could muster to keep my eyes firmly planted in front of me.

The pressure of dozens of curious stares weighed on my back as I made my way toward the lockers briskly. From the moment I walked through the doors a few minutes ago, all eyes had been on me. I squared my shoulders and forced my head to remain up high.

If people wanted to gossip, they could go right ahead.

My pace quickened as I heard the unmistakable sound of judgmental whispering behind me. I pinched my eyes shut tightly and tried my best to block out the irritating noise. I just wanted to get my books and go to class. At least there, I would see Scott, Stiles, and Allison.

Once I reached my locker, I shakily dialed in my code and popped the small metal door open. I instantly stumbled back, my eyes going wide as a shit ton of dirt came spilling out. I stood still for a few seconds, blinking slowly as I tried figuring out what the hell just happened.

With a frown, I wiped my hands against my jeans, which were now covered in the stuff. My eyes flickered down toward the pile of soil on the tiles in front of my feet, my brows furrowing in confusion.

How the hell did that much dirt get into my locker? How did any dirt get into my locker?

I glanced around the hall slowly, anxious to see my classmates reactions. I was already the weird girl after everything at the dance. I didn’t want to be the even weirder girl who keeps dirt in the locker.

A surprised breath left my lips as I saw that the halls were now completely empty. I turned all the way around, peering in both directions, but there wasn’t a single soul here with me. My head started pounding and I winced at the unexpected sensation before rubbing at my temples gently.

I swiveled back toward my locker, wanting nothing more than for this day to be over. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready for this yet. I instantly froze at the sight of a single purple flower sitting in the middle of the dirt pile. I was almost certain it hadn’t been there a moment before.

My heartbeat thrummed loudly in my ears as I reached a trembling hand inside the small space. I tentatively plucked the plant, which I easily recognized as wolfsbane, out of the soil. My eyes flickered around the purple leaves and long, green stem as my confusion only grew.

Just then, an ear piercing scream echoed through the halls. I whipped around, instantly going rigid when I saw that I was no longer in the school, but standing in the middle of the lacrosse field.

I glanced around the empty stadium, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Did I suddenly develop the ability to teleport? Or was I losing my damn mind? My eyes trailed downward as I felt cool air brush against my legs. My breath hitched as I saw that I was wearing my formal dress. The navy fabric was covered in blood and dirt, the strap on my left shoulder torn to shreds.

A bolt of fear licked up my spine as I heard rustling directly in front of me. My gaze slowly swept upward before landing on a pair of glowing red eyes that were illuminated in the shadowy distance. My eyes pinched shut as terror coursed through me when they started moving closer.

“It’s not real.” The mantra was a shaky whisper as my body trembled. “It’s not real. It’s not—”

Just then, my eyes jerked open on their own accord. I bolted upright with a harsh gasp, my throat constricting painfully as I sputtered and coughed a few times. One of my hands came up to clutch at my chest as I tried desperately to catch my breath.

Only a split second passed before Stiles flailed into a sitting position beside me. He whipped his head from side to side with wide eyes, as if searching for the cause of my panic. Once his attention landed back on me, he instantly pulled me into his chest and began murmuring lowly.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” One of his hands rubbed at my back while the other cradled my head against him.

“Lydia...” I gasped, my breath coming out in quick, trembling spurts. The dream had been some sort of vision or clue...it just had to be.

“Lydia’s alright, okay? They’re gonna find her.” Stiles’ fingers threaded through my hair and massaged my scalp soothingly.

“What? What is it? What happened?” Scott’s head suddenly popped up at the foot of my bed, his hair so messy it looked like he’d been hurled through a tornado.

“Another nightmare.” I breathed, feeling my heartrate dropping back down to normal as Stiles’ hands continued rubbing against me gently. 

Scott sighed from the floor, his shoulders sagging in relief. One of his hands came up to massage the back of his neck and he grimaced uncomfortably. “Cool. Is it my turn on the bed yet?”

“You can curl up down here if you want, like a good puppy.” Stiles smirked at his own joke as one of his hands left me to point toward our feet.

“Scott, just go sleep in your own bed. It’s literally right there.” I gestured to my window, which faced his, and slowly pulled away from Stiles.

As much as I would love to stay in his arms forever, I had to learn to get ahold of myself on my own. They couldn’t keep babying me. Both of them had done nothing but obsess over my health from the moment I was discharged out of the hospital two days ago. 

Scott had refused to leave my side since I’d gotten home, other than the brief moments he made appearances in his own house so that his mom knew he was still alive. He insisted it was to keep an eye on me, and that was partially true, but he was also basically in hiding right now. 

Jackson, being the wonderful friend that he is, somehow found the time to tell Mr. Argent that Scott is the beta they’ve been looking for, kindly adding on to our reasons-life-is-currently-terrible list.

“And let you guys have all the fun without me?” Scott mumbled sarcastically and leaned back to lay on the pillow and blanket I’d set up for him on the hardwood floor.

This had been our routine for two days. Mom banned me from having any visitors while I recover, but that hadn’t stopped Scott from staying or Stiles from sneaking in after school. Each night, I could barely make it through a few hours of sleep at a time before jerking awake from yet another nightmare. Or maybe they were visions. I honestly had no idea.

My days had also been...weird, to say the least. Most of the time, it was hard to tell whether or not I was awake. My sense of reality was seriously fucked up. I was having almost constant visions and dreams, and they never made any sense. It felt like my subconscious was trying to tell me something, but in another language I had yet to learn.

Lydia was still missing, and I was beyond worried sick. Sheriff Stilinski and the entire police department had searched every square inch of Beacon Hills over the course of the last two days, and hadn’t found a single trace of her.

Aside from that shitshow, I also hadn’t spoken to Allison since the last time I’d seen her at the dance. No one had, actually.

Scott—when he wasn’t fawning over me—was losing his mind because apparently while I was being a dumbass and getting myself bitten, Mr. Argent somehow made him shift in front of Allison. Then, he shipped her and Kate off to an undisclosed location until further notice.

I’d sent her a few texts since being home, but she only responded once. The words had replayed in my mind over and over for several hours after reading them as I tried figuring out an acceptable response.

You knew the whole time, didn’t you?

I eventually decided not to answer at all. What could I say? I’d kept something huge from her, although it was never really my secret to tell anyway. She had every right to be pissed off. I wanted to address it in person and, honestly, didn’t have the mental capacity to worry much about it right now.

I blinked a few times, feeling myself come back from my dazed thoughts as Scott and Stiles’ voices fluttered back to my ears. I’d been doing that a lot, too. Getting lost in my mind for several minutes at a time, if not longer. I felt a curious gaze on my face and took in a slow, deep breath before lifting my head to meet Stiles’ eyes.

My heart clenched uncomfortably in my chest at the look he was giving me. It was the same expression that had been etched into his face ever since I’d woken up in the hospital. It was like he was afraid I would try to kill him at any given moment, while simultaneously worrying that I’d suffer a mental break or croak on the spot.

I heard the rumbling sound of snoring from the floor and knew that Scott was already out cold again.

“I’m sorry I woke you.” I sighed, suddenly feeling exhausted. I glanced at the alarm clock on my bedside table, noting with a regretful wince that it was three in the morning. He had school in only a few hours.

Stiles’ eyes inspected me tenderly, rounding with concern as he reached out to tuck a stray clump of hair behind my ear gently. “I wasn’t sleeping. You stole my pillow, so...”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. He apparently couldn’t sleep without the thing and had brought it with him each night. It was quite possibly the most adorable thing ever.

“I’m still sorry.” My voice was barely above a whisper as I looked down toward my lap and fidgeted with my fingers. 

Ever since I was bitten I’d felt...different. Like a burden. Out of control. It was as if my mind was warring with itself all day, every day. I had a constant nagging fear that I was forgetting something important. It was like it was on the tip of my tongue, but I just couldn’t remember.

Stiles leaned toward me slowly and cupped my cheek before placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. His fingers trailed down to brush against the side of my neck before tangling in the hair at the base of my skull. His free hand came up to the other side of my head and he pulled it down against his chest. My eyes fluttered shut as a sigh left my lips.

A sense of peace always washed over me when he was near. Despite everything going on, all it took was a small touch to quiet my racing mind. I felt myself relaxing, if only slightly, in his arms. A moment later, I leaned back to look at him again, my stomach fluttering at the intense gleam of worry shining in his caramel eyes.

“There’s something wrong with me, isn’t there?” My voice broke and I furrowed my brows as traitorous tears filled my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to get better.

Stiles glanced fleetingly at the place where Peter had bitten me, but jerked his attention back to my face quickly, probably hoping I hadn’t noticed. “Whatever it is...we’ll figure it out.”

Somehow, his response wasn’t all that comforting. I didn’t doubt for a second that he’d be there for me every step of the way as I went through whatever this was. I’d watched how he helped Scott during the early stages of his transformation, and it was admirable. But I didn’t want there to be anything wrong. I didn’t want there to be anything different about me.

I just wanted to be normal.

“C’mere...” Stiles opened his arms and I couldn’t help but instantly fall into them.

He pulled me tight against him and leaned back, snagging his pillow from my side of the bed on the way down. My eyes fluttered shut as I laid there on top of him, my legs between his and my head resting above his heart.

I listened to the steady rhythm of his pulse, feeling it lull me to sleep within seconds.

                                                    ————————

I leaned back against my headboard, adjusting the book that rested atop my knees. My bottom lip was tucked between my teeth anxiously as I flipped another page. I narrowed my eyes as they swept over the words, urging my mind to comprehend them. I just couldn’t. I was way too distracted.

My eyes flickered up to find Scott lounging in my desk chair across the room. He was playing some game on his phone and it was making this annoying boing sound every few seconds. It was starting to drive me crazy, but it wasn’t the only thing causing my jitters. 

I glanced away from him to look out my open window and sighed heavily. It was already dark outside, and Stiles wasn’t here yet.

It wasn’t usually like me to jump to conclusions, but considering the state of our lives right now, it wasn’t a stretch to be worried. At this point, though, I was moving toward a full on panic attack. School ended six hours ago. What could he possibly be doing?

I opened my mouth to voice my concern, but never got a chance as Scott interrupted me before I could get even a single word out.

“He’s fine.” He said absently, his eyes never leaving his phone’s screen.

My eyebrows twitched up in surprise. “How did you know...”

“I can hear your heart racing.” He sighed and finally dropped his phone onto my desk before lifting his eyes to meet mine. “You either just ran a marathon, or you’re worried about something. That something is usually Stiles. And he’s fine.”

I rolled my lips into a tight line at the way he’d just read me so easily. “But it’s already—”

Just then, something thumped outside my window loudly. I stiffened at the sound, and Scott perked up in his chair, instantly on high alert. There was a low groan before a figure clambered through the opening. I instantly knew it was Stiles as I caught sight of his red flannel. He flailed to the floor spastically with a yelp and I slammed my book closed before bolting to my feet.

I rushed to his side, my arms wrapping around him as he struggled to get up. His chest heaved with ragged breaths as if he’d run the whole way here.

“Where were you? Are you okay? What happened?” I couldn’t stop the panicked words from tumbling past my lips.

My eyes trailed over him quickly to assess for any damage. His freckled cheeks were flushed and the top three buttons on his flannel were undone, exposing his white undershirt. He looked a little roughed up, but not hurt.

He finally stood up straight and his eyes widened when they met mine, as if only just then realizing that I was beside him. He gripped my upper arms sternly before walking me backward.

“What are you doing? Get back in bed.” I had no choice but to plop down onto the mattress as the back of my knees ran right into it.

“Don’t change the subject, Stilinski.” I frowned up at him and his eyes twitched in warning.

“Oh, God. Please don’t make me listen to another who’s more worried about who fight. I might seriously puke this time.” Scott practically threw himself onto the bed beside me, a look of feigned disgust taking over his face.

My eyes swept toward him and narrowed into a glare only briefly, as my attention moved back to Stiles when he started talking again.

“Moving on.” He sent a pointed look Scott’s way before continuing, his hands gesturing quickly in front of him. He was anxious, that much was obvious. “I had a uh...talk with Chris—”

“Who?” I interrupted, thrown off by the unfamiliar name.

Stiles’ eyes twitched at me in annoyance as he flailed one of his arms in a circle, signaling that we didn’t have much time. “Argent.”

“You call Allison’s dad Chris?” My voice rose in disbelief. Since when was that a thing?

“Oh my God. This is important, okay? He tried to get me and Jackson to tell him where Scott is and—”

Scott sprang upright on the bed, his eyes wide with alarm. “Why were you with Jackson?”

“Can I just finish? Is that alright with you two?” Stiles’ voice rose in frustration, his eyes pinching shut for a brief moment after he shouted.

Both Scott and I froze and he sighed before running a hand down his face. His gaze flickered to Scott as he extended a hand out apprehensively. “He’s literally planning to kill you. Tonight. Okay? So you can’t—”

Scott suddenly rose to his feet, his face tight with determination. “I need to find Derek.”

Stiles’ fingers curled into a fist, still hanging in the air, as he pursed his lips when Scott brushed past him. “Why do we keep going back to him? He’s like your abusive ex, okay? You have a problem. And did you miss the part where I just said you could be murdered by werewolf hunters at any given moment?”

“If the Argents are after me, he’s the only one who can help.” Scott braced his hands against my windowsill and turned to glare at Stiles over his shoulder.

Before either of us could ask him what he was doing, he doubled over with a low groan. I realized he was shifting and tentatively slid back on my mattress, not sure what was going on. I knew he would never hurt me, but I hadn’t seen anything supernatural since being bitten. It instantly had me on edge.

Then, he jerked upright and howled loudly into the dark sky. 

I winced at the deep, rumbling sound, feeling a painful twinge in my head. One of my hands came up to cradle my temple as my lips parted in a silent gasp. The noise was vibrating all the way in my bones, overwhelming every one of my senses. I felt myself slipping away from the present, my eyes wide but unfocused. I faintly registered an arm wrapping around my back as Stiles rushed to kneel in front of me. 

His free hand cupped my face, his lips moving rapidly as he tried to bring me back. I suddenly had the strong urge to close my eyes, so I let them flutter down slowly. Instantly, my breath caught as an image of Derek’s house popped into my mind. There were way too many things happening to decipher any of it. My brows furrowed as I tried making sense of what I was seeing. 

The clearest picture was the most gruesome. Blood. Everywhere. 

A painful spasm in my left shoulder had my eyes jerking open. They met Stiles’ wide, panicked gaze as he hovered only a few inches away from me. With a snap, his and Scott’s voices rushed into my ears. 

“What the hell did you do to her?” Stiles practically yelled, his voice tight with anxiety and a hint of anger. His hands were clutching my arms as he jostled me awake.

Scott appeared at his side above me, his face crumbled in horror. “I-I didn’t do anything! I didn’t mean to...”

“I think I know where to find him.” I interrupted breathily, blinking a few times to focus my eyes. I sat up with a groan, my head pounding harshly. Stiles tightened his grip on me as he tried to keep me steady. “His house. I saw it.”

Scott’s face dropped from beside me, his brows furrowing as his lips pulled into a frown. “So did I.”

We shared a long, curious glance. I had no idea what that meant, and judging by the glint of wonder reflecting in his eyes, neither did he. 

“So we’re just not gonna talk about whatever that was?” Stiles asked incredulously. He e took a step away from me and shrugged sarcastically with a tilt of his head. 

“We don’t have time.” I pushed myself up to my feet and strode toward my closet hurriedly. 

It was freezing outside by now, and I wanted to be prepared for once. I rustled through my sweaters until I found one I didn’t mind ruining. My shoulder protested each movement as I wrestled it over my head, but I tried my best to ignore it. I turned on my heel to face the guys and froze at the looks they were giving me. 

Scott seemed hesitant, but didn’t look like he was going to argue, while Stiles was very much unimpressed. 

“That’s funny.” He laughed humorlessly and pointed at me. “It looks like you think you’re going somewhere.”

I frowned at his demanding tone. “I’m sorry, are you my mother? No? Okay. That’s what I thought.”

I brushed past him to find a pair of socks in my dresser. If he thought he was going to start telling me what to do just because we’re dating, he had another thing coming. My eyes flickered up to meet his in the mirror as I heard rustling behind me.

“You can’t seriously—” His mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to find the right words. I pulled out a mismatched pair of socks and turned to lean against the dresser as I slid them on. “Scott, tell her how stupid this is.” 

“Hell no. I’m not getting involved.” He glanced between us with wide eyes, lifting his hands in surrender. 

“If we don’t go now, Derek is going to die.” I forced the words out through clenched teeth, growing impatient. Somehow, I knew that’s the future we were up against, despite not having actually seen it happen. I just knew. 

“Since when do we care about that?” Stiles swiveled his head as his eyebrows rose in question. 

Scott stepped forward, suddenly looking pensive. “I’m not going to just let him die.”

“I’m the only sane one left...” Stiles muttered to himself, throwing his hands up in exasperation. 

After several more minutes of pointless arguing, a very disgruntled Stiles finally agreed to drive us to Derek’s. The three of us had barely made it a few steps outside the Jeep before he came barreling from the house, looking unpleasant as ever. 

“What the hell are you doing? None of you should be here right now.” His angry voice echoed through the trees as he continued stalking forward until he stood right in front of us. 

“Finally, someone’s making—oh my God!” Stiles didn’t have a chance to finish his thought as an arrow came out of nowhere and embedded itself into Derek’s shoulder. 

My eyes widened in shock and I whipped around just as another arrow came from the trees to land in his thigh. He crumpled to the ground with a groan, clutching at his injuries. 

“Close your eyes!” He shouted and tucked his face into his elbow. 

Long fingers clasped around my bicep and I was jerked to the side before another hand shoved my head into a warm chest. I screwed my eyes shut tightly, a quiet boom sounding beside us. Stiles and I separated quickly to see what it was, but my eyes landed on Scott instead. 

He was crouched down on all fours, blinking rapidly. He hadn’t been fast enough. He squinted into the distance and I followed his line of sight, but came up empty. 

Derek grunted lowly as he broke off the shafts of each arrow that still lay inside him. He stumbled to his feet and grabbed Scott by the collar of his jacket. “Get to the house!” 

Stiles and I didn’t hesitate to obey as we bolted in that direction, our hands tangled together. We only made it about halfway before Derek slumped to the ground behind us, exhausted. I staggered to a halt at the sound and nearly lost my balance when Stiles continued moving. 

His eyes flickered from me to the place where Scott and Derek lay crumpled on the ground in a moment of hesitation. With a grimace, he let me go and we both jogged their way. 

“No! Go!” Derek’s head popped up and he tried waving us off, but it was too late. 

I froze, partially crouched beside him, as a thin figure emerged from the darkness. She was stomping toward us with a huge bow slung over her shoulder. The dim light from Derek’s porch illuminated her face as she neared us, and my breath caught in my throat. It was the last person I expected to see.

“Allison, I can explain—” Scott immediately stammered desperately, still trying to get his bearings after being stunned by the flash bullet. I realized at then that it was the same type she’d tried out with me and Lydia the week before formal.

“Stop lying.” She barked, her voice tight with built up anger. Her eyes flickered up to meet mine, my chest tightening at the intense betrayal swirling inside them. “All of you, for once, stop lying.”

“I was gonna tell you the truth. I was gonna tell you everything at the formal.” Scott rushed the words out in a panic as he shuffled backward to match each step she took toward him. “Everything that I said...everything I did...”

“Was to protect me.” She finished with a humorless scoff, fingers tightening around the arrow she held at her side.

“Yes.” He instantly confirmed, pleading with her to understand. 

I knew exactly how she felt. Being kept in the dark sucked, no matter which way it was spun. Maybe she had been safer this whole time because she didn’t know. Or maybe all his secret did was create an irreparable wedge between them. She was bound to find out eventually, considering who her family was, and this whole mess was probably the worst way it could’ve happened. 

Allison’s eyes glistened as she peered down at him, her hardened mask of hatred cracking just slightly. Her voice trembled as a few tears escaped down her cheeks. “I don’t believe you.” 

“Thank God!” I jumped at the sudden voice from the darkness, and watched as Kate stalked out of the tree line with a roll of her eyes. “Now shoot him before I have to shoot myself.”

My heart leapt into my throat at her words. With Scott dazed and Derek seriously injured, there wasn’t much we could do to stop her from killing either one of them. The reality of our situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Stiles and I were utterly useless. 

“Y-you said we were just going to catch them.” Allison sputtered, head jerking toward her aunt in surprise. 

“Yeah, and we did that. Now we’re going to kill them.” Kate raised an arm absently and shot a bullet right into Derek’s chest as she passed by, not even sparing him a glance. “See? Not that hard.”

I gasped at the unexpected act of violence, my jaw going slack. He instantly fell against the damp ground, motionless. 

Holy shit. Oh my God. Is he actually dead?

Allison’s horrified expression matched mine, more tears coating her face as she stared at Derek’s lifeless body. She stiffened when her aunt joined her in front of Scott, who was still gaping from his crouched position.

“Oh no, not that look.” Kate mused, not sounding the least bit genuine. “That’s the you’re going to have to do it yourself look.”

She raised her gun toward Scott’s chest, a manic grin pulling at her lips. I moved without thinking, taking a big step in their direction. Allison instantly started freaking out and tried to put herself between them, but Kate shoved her away harshly. 

She tumbled to the ground just as a hand clasped around my wrist to stop me. I yanked against it, my chest tightening with panic. I had to get over there. I had to help. 

“Y/N! Y/N, stop!” Stiles yelled frantically from behind me, his hold falling loose as I continued struggling against him. 

I ran forward and staggered to a halt beside Kate, who was still pointing the gun at Scott, having no idea what to do now that I was here. She glanced toward me and sighed with a disinterested roll of her eyes. Before I even fully registered that she moved, I was already on the ground. She’d whipped the gun against the side of my face harshly, white hot pain instantly rippling through my head. 

“No!” I heard Allison shout in horror. 

A groan trembled past my lips as I shakily pulled myself up onto my elbows. My vision blurred as Scott jerked upright, about to rush to my side before Kate aimed the gun at his chest again. He froze, his wide eyes never leaving me. I brought a hand up to my temple and hissed when my fingers landed on a warm trickle of blood. 

“Ah, ah...” Kate tutted, amusement shining in her eyes as she glanced behind me, gun following the movement. 

I turned my head and saw Stiles freeze mid-sprint toward me. His eyes narrowed into an angry glare as his jaw clenched tightly, but he didn’t move an inch. I let out a huff, growing frustrated by this whole stupid situation, and swept my gaze back to Kate. 

“Just shoot someone already.” I barked, annoyed with her games. 

Was it stupid to taunt the person with the weapon? Yes. Did I give a fuck? No. At this point, I was more angry than anything. We’d spent months fighting and tracking the alpha—Peter—as he went on a bloodthirsty rampage through Beacon Hills. We’d nearly died in the school, and at the movie store, and in these very woods. Several times. 

Lydia and I had been bitten, and Stiles’ dad was close to a nervous breakdown because nothing in this town makes any goddamn sense unless you’re risking your life everyday just by knowing about the supernatural. And now, we had to deal with Allison’s batshit crazy family, on top of everything. 

I just wanted it to be over.

Kate huffed out a surprised laugh and pointed the gun at me again. “What poetic last words.”

“No! Leave her alone! I’m the one you want.” Scott shouted desperately, stumbling upright from his position in the dirt. 

An evil smirk twitched at her lips as she ignored him. I watched her pointer finger tighten on the trigger and held my breath as I waited for the inevitable. 

“Kate!” A deep voice boomed from behind me, making her pause. I instantly recognized that it was Allison’s dad. “I know what you did.”

The amusement dropped from her face at his words and her eyes flickered up toward the house for a brief moment. 

“Put the gun down.” Mr. Argent ordered, dried leaves crunching beneath his shoes as he walked toward us. 

“I did what I was told to do.” Kate jutted her hand toward me as she enunciated each word curtly. 

I stiffened, very aware that her finger, which still rested against the gun’s trigger, could set it off at any moment. My pulse hammered in my ears loudly and my entire body began trembling as my fear suddenly caught up with me.

“No one asked you to murder innocent people. There were children in that house.” 

My mind raced as I slowly pieced together what he was saying. The fire. It was Kate. But why? Why would she murder an entire family?

“Ones that were human. Look what you’re doing now, you’re holding a gun at sixteen year old kids. No proof they’ve spilled human blood.” He continued, his voice harsh and unfeeling. “Now, put the gun down...before I put you down.”

My eyes widened at his threat. Would he really kill his own sister?

Kate stared at him for a few long moments, her face crumbling in disbelief. Finally, she lowered her arm back down to her side. I let out a heavy breath of relief, but didn’t move from my crouched position in front of her. A loud creak from the house had everyone’s attention jerking toward it. 

The front door swung open slowly, nothing but darkness behind it.

“Kids, get back.” Allison’s dad ordered gruffly as he cocked his gun and aimed it at the decrepit structure. 

Scott stumbled to his feet, but didn’t make a move to run and hide as instructed. Allison joined his side a moment later, her bow and arrow cocked and aimed at the house. I heard quick steps behind me a moment before strong arms wrapped around my waist and hauled me to my feet. 

Stiles whipped me around to face him, and I winced as my head throbbed in protest. His hands came up to cradle the sides of my face, his fingers turning red as my blood smeared onto his skin. His wide eyes flickered around my body frantically, as if not fully believing that I was right here in front of him. 

He suddenly jerked me toward him and smashed his lips against mine, pouring every emotion he’d just gone through into the kiss. I responded instantly, my hands fisting the warm material of his flannel as I pulled him closer. It was over much too soon as he pulled back with a shaky breath of relief. 

“God, I’m so mad at you right now. I could literally kill you.” His eyes twitched as he continued inspecting me for any hidden injuries. 

“Wouldn’t that be a little counterproductive?” I chuckled despite the situation, and he just glared at me.

“What is it?” My attention jerked back to Allison at the sound of her panicked voice. I’d nearly forgotten what was going on outside the peaceful bubble that was Stiles. 

I turned back toward the house and saw Scott’s eyes flash bright yellow as he peered through the opened front door. “It’s the alpha.” 

At his declaration, a huge black mass raced out of the house, moving impossibly fast. It dashed around the area in a big circle before turning abruptly and knocking Mr. Argent right off his feet. He flew into the air before landing heavily, instantly passing out cold as his head slammed against the dirt. 

Allison cried out and made a move to help him, but quickly found herself in no better shape as the alpha rammed into her next. Only a second later, Scott was groaning as he lay in a heap beside her on the leaf covered ground. My heart slammed against my ribs painfully as my head whipped from side to side, trying to see where he was now. 

All the air rushed from my lungs as a powerful force shoved against mine and Stiles’ sides. His arms instantly wrapped around my waist, and mine around his shoulders. We held onto each other tightly as we flew several feet through the air. At the last second, Stiles shifted us so that he would take the brunt of the fall. He hissed in pain as his back slammed onto the dirt, and I quickly scrambled to get off of him. 

“Come on!” Kate’s angry voice echoed through the trees as she jerked her gun around in a circle. She was the only one left standing. 

I wrapped an arm around Stiles and helped him sit up. He waved me off, muttering something about being fine, and I huffed in annoyance. At this point I was convinced that he was physically unable to help himself from downplaying his own struggles. 

I was about to argue with him, but froze when Peter emerged from the darkness to stand threatening behind Kate. He snatched the arm that held her gun and wrenched it behind her with ease. She grunted in pain as he twisted it with a snap, two shots firing into the sky as they struggled. 

She had no choice but to release the gun. It landed on the ground with a dull thud as he gripped her by the throat and tossed her in the air like a ragdoll. She crashed onto the porch, a cloud of dust rising all around her as she shakily pushed herself up. 

Peter wasted no time in striding up the broken steps. He bent down and grabbed Kate violently before pressing her back to his chest, holding her in place with his claws at her neck. 

“No!” Allison suddenly shouted and sprinted toward them. 

My eyes widened in horror. What the hell did she think she was doing? I made a move to follow her, but Stiles wrapped both arms around my waist tightly. I pulled against him for a few seconds, but stopped when Peter’s voice echoed toward us. 

“She is beautiful, Kate. She looks like you, only not as damaged. So I’m going to give you a chance to save her.” My breath hitched as he addressed Allison and I started thrashing against Stiles again. I couldn’t let her get hurt. I couldn’t let anyone else I care about become one of his victims. “Apologize. Say you’re sorry for decimating my family, for leaving me burned and broken for six years. Say it, and I’ll let her live.”

A tense moment of silence passed as Kate seemed to weigh her options. Finally, she choked the words out the best she could. “I’m...sorry.” 

A small, satisfied smile tugged at Peter’s lips before he ripped her throat out with his claws. My jaw dropped as blood splattered across every nearby surface, my stomach churning at the violence of it all. Allison screamed, practically doubling over in horror as Kate crumpled to the porch with wide, empty eyes. Peter’s shoulders sagged as he let out a long sigh, a look of relief washing over him. 

“I don’t know about you, Allison, but that apology didn’t sound very sincere.” His amused gaze bored into her wide, glistening eyes as he stalked down the steps.

By the time he had one foot on the dirt ground, Scott and Derek were crouched in front of her protectively. I hadn’t even noticed that Derek was still alive, let alone completely healed, but I was more than grateful. 

“Run.” Scott grunted over his shoulder, and she didn’t hesitate to listen. 

She sprinted toward me and Stiles, taking her bow with her, and immediately crumpled into my arms. A harsh sob wracked her body as I pulled her in tight. I felt Stiles’ hand on my back as he guided us hastily toward his Jeep. A few animalistic growls and roars sounded from behind us, and I knew they were fighting.

“I’m sorry.” Allison cried, pulling away from me to wipe at her face. “I’m so, so sorry. I-I didn’t know what happened with you and Lydia, and now Kate’s gone and—oh my God. I’m the worst friend ever.” 

Stiles wrenched the passenger door open when we reached the car and I shoved Allison inside before crawling in behind her. Something snapped behind us, and I honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d just uprooted a tree or completely destroyed the house. 

“It’s okay.” I breathed, running a hand down Allison’s back as she continued blubbering. “We’re both terrible friends, honestly.”

“Wait.” She suddenly perked up, her eyes widening in horror. “My dad.”

Damnit. I‘d completely forgotten about him. 

I turned to peer out the window and winced as Peter picked Derek up by the ankle and tossed him through the air. He crashed into Scott, who was trying to pull himself upright a few feet away, bringing him right back down harshly. 

Peter snarled, seemingly losing control as he hunched over and shifted fully into a huge, terrifying beast. He roared loudly, baring his claws and stalking forward. He grabbed Derek by the throat and threw him into a nearby tree before turning back to Scott. 

“I have to do something.” Stiles suddenly spoke up from the front seat. My head whipped in his direction as he threw open the driver’s side door and clambered onto the ground. 

“What? No!” I immediately tumbled out behind him and watched with baited breath as he reached into the trunk. 

My brows furrowed as I caught sight of a huge beaker in his hand. I barely had time to register that here was a yellow liquid swirling inside before he hurled it at Peter. As it flew toward him, I realized it was a Molotov cocktail, like the one Lydia showed us how to make when we were stuck inside the school. Peter caught it easily, his glowing red eyes snapping our way with a ferocious growl. 

“Oh, damn...” Stiles instantly deflated and took a tentative step back. 

My eyes widened as I whipped back around to face Allison, an idea suddenly popping into my head. She seemed to know exactly what I was thinking as she reached for her bow and instantly nocked the arrow into place. After taking only a moment to aim it out the opened window, she fired. 

It hit the glass bottle dead center, and Peter’s left arm erupted in flames. He roared frantically and tried shaking the fire off, only managing to make it spread across his torso more quickly. Soon, his entire body was ablaze as he staggered around and howled in agony. 

After a few long, torturous moments, he slumped down onto his knees in his human form. Thick smoke billowed from his charred skin as he sputtered and gasped for air. We all stood impossibly still, gaping at him in horror. I don’t think any of us had the slightest idea of what to do next.

Derek suddenly emerged from the house, his face a tight mask of fury. He stalked toward Peter, who now lay on his back, and stood over him with clenched fists. 

“Wait!” Scott rose to his feet and stopped only a foot away from them, his eyes wide with panic. Derek’s hard glare never moved an inch. “You said the cure comes from the one who bit you. If you do this, I’m dead. What am I supposed to do?”

My attention snapped back toward him, surprised at his words. There was a cure? I had no idea what he was talking about, but it must’ve been important if he was this freaked out over it. 

Derek’s eyes pinched shut and his jaw clenched tightly. He hesitated for only a brief moment before raising a clawed hand in the air. 

“Wait! N-no! Don’t!” Scott's desperate plea fell on deaf ears as Derek brought his hand down to slash Peter’s throat. 

Allison gasped from beside me, and I just stared ahead with wide eyes. My breath caught in my throat as I watched yet another person’s life fade away right in front of me. It was almost hard to believe, that he was actually dead. We’d all been through so much. It didn’t seem possible that it could all be over, just like that. 

There had to be more.

Derek staggered to his feet and turned to glower at Scott over his shoulder. His canines elongated and his eyes flashed bright red before he uttered the words we were all dreading. The ones that would seal our fate for the foreseeable future. 

“I’m the alpha now.”

Episode 11 Season 2, Episode 1 (Part One)

#stiles stilinski #stiles x reader #teen wolf #teen wolf fic #teen wolf imagine #scott mccall #scott and stiles #allison argent #chris argent #kate argent #derek hale #lydia martin #jackson whittemore #stiles #stiles x oc #stiles x y/n #teen wolf fanfiction #teen wolf series #teen wolf rewrite #season finale #teen wolf season one

[pynkhues]

Why does Dean plead guilty? Is it bc of Phoebe? Is it because he wants to protect Beth? Is it because he wants to take the credit? Does it have to do with his male-ness? Have you already explored this topic? #questions

That’s such a good question, anon! It makes for a really interesting (and I actually think in-character) beat for Dean, and I think you’re right in the sense that it’s partially about protecting Beth and partially having to do with his male-ness, but I think there’s also something more fundamental at play.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how this show explores image, perception and projection, and how frequently those things are at the root of Beth and Dean’s arcs, both together and apart. These themes do of course feed into other character storylines (Annie at Ben’s school charity auction in 4.02 being one of the clearest examples of this – that was entirely about projecting an image to Ben’s peers and trying to change the way she would be perceived), but I don’t think it roots as deeply as it does in Beth and Dean, in no small part because Beth and Dean’s biggest audience is themselves.

So! Let’s break that down and talk about how that feeds into Dean pleading guilty.

Rose Coloured Boy (Rose Coloured Girl): nostalgia as the face of love

One of the things that’s always fascinating to me about Beth and Dean’s relationship is how often the show roots it in the past. One of the very first moments of Dean acting regretful over his cheating way back in 1.02 is through talking about the ‘fun stuff [he and Beth] did in the back seat in highschool’. That sense of the history of their romance is further emphasised in imagery of their past – Beth and Dean’s wedding photo is revisited frequently in season 1 while their anniversary is a key moment of the finale, Dean reminisces over screenshots of the kids as babies in season 2, and they even talk sweetly about anniversary dates, and their first apartment together after signing their divorce papers in 2.13.

This paints a picture of a tender history. One of young love and years of happiness and kindness, only it’s a history that the show has regularly, deliberately undermined.

All those beautiful pictures Dean’s looking at of his young family together and happy? Well, 2.05 confirmed that Beth was pregnant while he was having one of his affairs, so which of those photos are truly happy, and which were taken while Dean was betraying her? Similarly, they talk and joke about Valentine’s Day three years ago at the end of 3.08, but if he wasn’t having an affair with Amber then, he was likely having one with another woman.

The purpose of undermining history like this isn’t about the show forgetting or retconning these plot points – especially when the show ties these moments to other emotions, like Dean’s jealousy over Rio in 3.08 (and I’ll come back to that later), or Dean’s feelings of failure – but rather to establish the way that Beth and Dean both romanticise their past and paint it with a rose-coloured brush.

They tell themselves that they might not be happy today, but they were happy yesterday. And then they say that the next day and the next day and the next day, until every unhappy day, becomes a happy yesterday.

That romanticisation of their history is intrinsically tied to an image that they want to project to themselves. They have put so much time and energy into this thing between them, they have so many children, have so much of their lives entwined, that they need to believe that it’s all been worth it, because if it’s not, the image cracks and I don’t think either of them have the tools to handle that.

Which we kind of saw in 4.03.

It’s not an accident that the Beth and Dean flashbacks were in that episode – an episode that in a lot of ways fractured the image of Beth and Dean’s relationship, particularly for Dean. He’s been under the impression that they’re better, that they’re working again, that neither of them are cheating and Rio’s far away and Beth believes in him like she did before everything went wrong, and to discover that that image was false – was a projection of what Beth wanted him to believe, and perhaps simply what he himself wanted to believe too – is challenging to say the very least.

He was put in a position where he was faced not only with the extreme consequences of his wife’s actions, but a domino effect of lie after lie after lie, and the show choosing to take us back to the start of their relationship at that very moment, I think, shows us that the root of Beth and Dean’s relationship came back to Beth needing to be looked after, and Dean deciding, without knowing Beth very well, that he wanted to be the one to do it.

Macho Macho Man: Dean & Masculinity

Which brings us to Dean and masculinity. I’ve talked about the show’s exploration of masculinity quite a bit now (hell, it even has its own tag now, haha), and wrote a whole series of posts after 2.04 about male ego which I should probably update sometime to include s3 and s4,  but it really is one of the core themes of the show. It bubbles to the surface almost constantly and frequently becomes a driving factor of character motivations, particularly characters like Turner, who had his male ego challenged by Beth which resulted in a vendetta, to Boomer’s toxic masculinity driving him through much of the show.

For Dean though, his masculinity is frequently projected only to be destroyed, undermined or used against him in a way that ultimately completely emasculates him. The scene of Dean trying to reassert gender roles on himself and Beth only to have Rio bone his wife, destroy his prized car and insert himself into his business is perhaps the clearest example of that, but it manifests in plenty of other ways too. From hiring hitmen only to be robbed and have his wife’s panties stuck in his mouth, to buying the gun only to have it stolen, to think he’s establishing a new business for himself only to discover his wife’s pulling the strings with her ex-lover. Hell, even the fact of losing the business in the first place is inherently emasculating.

What I’m getting at is that every time Dean asserts himself in ways that are typically considered ‘Masculine’ – providing for his family, dominating his wife / treating her paternalistically, behaving with violent intents, establishing a business – it’s only to have that immediately undermined in the narrative. Dean likes this image for himself, and wants to project it, but the show keeps telling us that the image is a false one.

And then the show outright used that falsehood, and Dean’s insecurity over it, in 4.02 with Dave convincing Dean to give him the books, despite Beth telling him they weren’t ready.

Dean played right into his hand because Dave saw Dean’s masculinity for what it was – a projection covering an insecurity, which in turn, made Dean act thoughtlessly.

(Another pattern of behaviour for Dean! Like hiring the hitmen or cutting the money plate).

Dean’s commitment to the image of masculinity is in a lot of ways too tied to this idea of the rose-coloured image of his and Beth’s romantic history. Beth, from an image standpoint, is a case study in traditional femininity, and for much of their 20-year relationship, they’ve had their roles and they’ve stuck to them. The challenge of that throughout the course of the series is ultimately a challenge to the image that their relationship is based on, which in turn means that Dean’s feelings of failing masculinity end up being tied to his feelings and insecurities around Beth, frequently manifesting into jealousy over Rio.

To have that used against him by Dave (and funnily enough, Rio using those same feelings of Dean’s against Beth in 4.02) is a really interesting character note and I think very much fuels his motivation in the scene with Phoebe.

That Loving Feeling: a brief aside

I feel like I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention here that I actually do think Beth and Dean love each other. I think that it’s a broken love, like Christina said in her BUILD interview while promoting season 3, and I also think it’s a child’s love, which is something that we saw a bit through these flashbacks. Their relationship is so steeped in that history and that origin, that their love has failed to grow with them. It’s a sort of arrested development type of love, which I think makes them cling to the image all the harder, and it’s that old love and that image that’s stopped Dean from ever even contemplating turning Beth in.

Dean Pleads Guilty

Projection and perception are key in this show overall, but especially this season. We’ve seen that with the way Fitzpatrick has projected onto Beth, which I’ll talk about another time, but we also importantly saw Phoebe project onto Beth in this episode. She equates Beth to a girl she was friends with in highschool who used her, and tells Dean as such.

Phoebe’s projection of Beth – her image of her – isn’t one that Dean identifies with, and he tells her as much in return. While Dean is quiet in the scene overall outside of that interaction, the flashbacks deliberately seek to remind us of the nostalgia that has driven Beth and Dean’s relationship for the last twenty years and four seasons of the show. There’s a part of Dean that still sees Beth as the girl he chose to look after when they were just teenagers, and I think having his masculinity threatened the episode before by Dave intermingled with Dean’s nostalgia and his desire to ‘man up’ and take care of her in the way he tried to when her mum was in the hospital. All their murky, messy history and anger and hurt is painted over again, and Dean, at least in the moment, re-commits himself to the image of what he and Beth are.

He’s the man, she’s the woman, and it’s just another unhappy today for all those happy yesterdays.

#beth x dean #beth boland #dean boland #gg 4.03 #masculinity #character backgrounds #staying's worse than leaving #welcome to my ama #Anonymous

[f-117-nighthawk]

Playlist Update? From MY Brain? More Likely Than You Think

can't remember the last time I posted these all together but I just put a few new songs in. I've been playing Arknights bc STARSET songs keep being used in the trailers, and then I was listening to Transmissions while making dinner, and uhhhhh there's two new Transmissions songs on the playlists, plus whatever else the spotify links needed to update to my ever-changing apple versions.

This is just the main playlist, because this one is now 3h 40m, and the other three playlists are about an hour each. I’ll give them their own post tomorrow. Under the cut, because it's also Write Random Snippits and Include Important Lyrics time

Dark Matter

Surprise surprise, this one’s got probably the most work done on it. A lot of that is moving things around, a few deletions, and the additions.

DM now starts with Your World Will Fail, Dark Matter, and Eater of Worlds. Turn the Lights Out still kinda applies, but I stopped vibing with it starting everything, and wasn’t really sure where else it should go so it got dropped. It’s role is sort of picked up by a UtA song later? Anyway, the opening three are still very much about not only the birth of [REDACTED], but the birth of the universe itself. And that’s why it feels better to start out with YWWF. Because it is the start.

(Your world will fail my love/It’s far beyond repair/Your world will fail my love/It is already there)

(Bring me your soul/Bring me your hate/In my name you will create/Bring me your fear/Bring me your pain/You will destroy in my name)

(Can’t imagine the violence/The rage and the love in my madness/I am the eater of worlds and I’m looking for someone to feed me)

Remnants of Stars is a hook to Filaments at this point, but stays way up here because the thing it’s about connects back up to those three ^ and is something slowly realized by the Paladins throughout the series. There’s kinda three different points that they realize something new about this (at the moment, I Am the One, Cosmic Vertigo, and Centigrade).

(Shed all you know and make way for a galaxy of light/Answers found hidden inside the smallest stone/Bringing forth a new way of life/Open your heart to the sky)

Apocalypse 1992 hasn’t changed. Still about The Fall, still the turning point for the entire damn war. Still about poor Krolia. Still the Rogue One of DM. It happens between parts of Awakenings, detailing the rise of [REDACTED] and the final hours before the destruction of everything sentient species knew beforehand.

(Fly high through apocalypse skies/Fight for the world we must save/Like tears of a unicorn lost in the rain/Chaos will triumph this day)

Apex is the final moments of Apocalypse 1992 from the Red Lion’s perspective, and connects nicely (just as in the albums lol) to the next UtA songs. Which we’ll get to in a bit.

(Brother mountain/Now we sleep/For a thousand years/I will see you again/Something is coming/Coming for me)

You Keep What You Kill covers the slow degeneration of the Empire between The Fall and the Battle of Arus. The knowledge harshly taught by the Thuanial War is forgotten under the influence of Zarkon, Haggar, and [REDACTED]. Marzin and Galraasa quickly rise the ranks as the Empire’s left and right hands, like omens of destruction before them. The four are the ‘holy half-dead,’ the ones who shape the devouring of the universe before them.

(Defying dimensions/These ruthless creatures will steal your soul/Breaking away from the chains of mortality/They won’t be taken down/Bow now to the holy half dead/The master to death mongers calls)

The Glory and the Scum is partially here bc I missed having Delain, I’ll freely admit that. (Delain split up! Like six months ago! I’m still sad!) Here, it’s (most) of the reason why Krolia isn’t around until MGHM. Think Winter Soldier-ish. It’s also from Krolia’s perspective as she’s talking to Kolivan in a conversation I implied in Shatterpoint. Perhaps it shall see the light of day.

(Look at what we've done/Take a step back/Shake your head at what we have become/We're the glory and the scum)

The Seven Sisters is about Keith, mostly, and connected to Closure via its influence on Child From the Stars (Lost in the Dark) and also to Memories of a Girl I Haven’t Met. Also the thing about the Pleiades has kinda become A Thing associated with my two favorite halfbloods.

(I cast my hope upon The Pleiades/The Seven Sisters who would come for me/They’d fall to Earth to grant a child’s dream/But I’m still waiting)

Starlight is the Adashi song. Here, it’s the sad part, based around the time that the SFSS Genesis launches for Kerberos. It also is sort of about Shiro’s thoughts throughout the war as he watches ‘from distant skies’ (and influences String Theory kinda)

(At night the earth will rise/And I’ll think of you each time I watch from distant skies/Whenever stars go down and galaxies ignite/I’ll think of you each time they wash me in their light/And I’ll fall in love with you again)

Waking Dream and Abyss are Awakenings. They’re specifically the Red Lion waking up on Sendak’s ship to her new Paladin, but also sort of the rest of the Lions as they find new Paladins for the first time since The Fall (and, also, an accidental hook to the end of Filaments just by virtue of being on the same UtA album…)

(Centuries like flowing streams as years go rushing by/Waiting in the dark for afterlife)

(Open my eyes in a daze/How long has it been? Am I so out of place?/Warmth I can no longer feel/My mountain is gone, I’m surrounded by steel/The strangest of structures arises ahead/Seems to be held up by nothing/Where have I gone, do I dream?/How can the stars be all I can see?)

Who Will Save You Now is about the Paladins in First Contact. It’s the video messages they send to their families, the warning that Something Is Out Here that they need to prepare for. It’s a declaration of protection for Earth, but a recognition that the Paladins may not be able to do what they say.

(I will not take from you and you will not owe/I will protect you from the fire below/It’s not in my mind/It’s here at my side/Go tell the world that I’m still alive)

Then there’s The End of the Beginning. Which is, well, the eponymous fic. And don’t forget the String Theory connection! Fun fact: part of the last chapter leads directly into part of String Theory at the moment.

(Every night I die just a little/All this time, I’m caught in the middle/All your life, you fought with no winning/This is just the end of the beginning)

A Simple Plan is about anything but a simple plan. Lotor is making his secret bid for the construction of the Sinkline ships, but there’s one more thing he needs before it can come to fruition. Haggar has suspicions, and knows one thing that she needs to keep from both him and Voltron. Team Voltron is still struggling to fit into their new roles, especially with a Black Paladin who adamantly does not want to be Black Paladin, and is in desperate need of one thing to fix the last of the damage done during the Battle of the Sarnan Nebula.

(How long can we hold off ending?/How long can we pretend we’re ok?/No one goes on fighting it forever/I know I’m better this way)

Memories of a Girl I Haven’t Met. Such a short song for such an important fic. It skips all the way over Naxzela to the Mission to the Baaria Shipyards, the first major offensive that isn’t somehow connected to canon (even if only a very very small part of it is actually at the shipyards lol). This is also the song that solidified Keith’s very queer identity in Dark Matter. And more Pleiades stuff!

(In this lonely place, bathed in silence and thoughts of you/I can’t see your face but I’m trying to envision you/So are you really out there? Are you awake with memories/Of a boy you haven’t met yet who’s wished upon the Pleiades?)

There’s another fic in here that I’m still waiting for a song to catch my ear, but it’s pretty big so I’m putting it in here. For the moment, it’s called MGHM 2.0: Electric Paladinloo. Featuring the Whispers, Voltron, and a few mullets.

And then. Hoh boy. The beast of beats. TRIALS (reimagine), Dark On Me, String Theory, and I Am the One. We’ve got [REDACTED], we’ve got [spoiler], we’ve got the first major turning point in the entire war, and the first revelation of the true nature of [REDACTED]. Hence the honor of being the separation point of my two main DM folders. TRIALS is the first part, the horrifying realization. Dark On Me and String Theory itself are from Shiro’s perspective. I Am the One is… an image song? I guess? That’s all I’ll say on that. (I would like to note that the STARSET songs bar OWtT tend to be about the Shiroganes…)

(Hear me from the bottom/Forged in regret, I'm the silversmith/Doomsday, you we had it coming/Marching the streets with an iron fist/Obey no more in silence/The steel in our hearts will be monuments/Today, they'll hear the violence/We'll rise from the dark like Lazarus)

(You're the cause/The antidote/The sinking ship that I could not let go/You led my way, then disappeared/How could you just walk away and leave me here?/Light the night up, you're my dark star/And now you're falling away)

(You don’t believe in space/You don’t believe in light/You don’t believe that anything is well beyond your might/We walk across the sky and beneath the ocean floor/We’re never going anywhere we’ve never been before)

(I am the one/I am the architect to rule your fate)

House on Fire is the aftermath of String Theory, and a large vibe of We ARE Struggling Together! It’s about family, never letting go of something you care about, and the slow act of trusting.

(So I’ll just hold you like a hand grenade/You touch me like a razor blade/I wish there was some other way right now/Like a house on fire we’re up in flames/I’d burn here if that’s what it takes/To let you know I won’t let go of you)

Belgrade is The klance song! It is a) a bop b) always stuck in my head because it is That Good. The line in the chorus about ‘sweet songs of seduction’ is eternally funny to me bc a)they’re both ace and b)QPR’s don’t usually involve seduction. Belgrade also leads almost directly into…

(We pretend in the darkness/We pretend the night won’t steal our youth/Singing me the sweet songs of seduction/Let me be the fool, fool, fool/Who will live and die for you)

Here to Save You is about Sam. Mostly. It’s also about Pidge. And Zaivorge cannons.

(A slave for humankind/I made sure I would survive/To stay alive/Now it’s time to move on/When there’s nothing left to prove/I’m coming to get you)

Iron is the third Closure fic (the second is End of the Beginning, forgot to mention that. They’ve slowly moved away from actually being related to it in anything but name and general idea). It’s about Keith coming to terms with parts of himself, and learning how to use them to great effect. Also has a huge info dump about the Blade.

(You can’t live without the fire/It’s the heat that makes you strong/‘Cause you’re born to live/And fight it all the way/You can’t hide what lies inside you/It’s the only thing you know/You’re embracing that, never walk away)

The second major turning point in the war is Monarch, Birthright, and Firewall. I really recommend reading the whole lyrics for Monarch, because the entire thing is very much a Lotor song. I had a bit of trouble picking a lyric to use here. Monarch is here because Lotor is also the ‘singer’ of Birthright, and both songs are to a very specific high-level target of the Coalition. Firewall is a little different as it’s a Team Voltron song not a Lotor song, but happens because of the same thing the other two do. They’re all not exactly a direct result of Iron, but they wouldn’t happen how they do without it, and then [REDACTED] swings back into the fray and things learned in String Theory/the framing story for Through Apocalypse Skies hit in full force.

(I am not the person you remember from before/The one you patronized and stepped on, the one you hurt/And I have pulled the arrows, now my skin has become stone/No longer am I prisoner to your empty fucking words)

(The voices in my head have all begun to sing/(The voices in your head have all begun to sing)/And they sure as hell hope I am listening/(I sure as hell hope you are listening!))

(They come to your dreams with illusion/They come to bring shape to your mind/You know how to stop the intrusion/We all have to fight for our lives)

and then, The Day the Earth Collapsed

(How much time has been elapsed/Since the day the earth collapsed?)

Here Comes the Reign doesn’t come into full effect until several months after Birthright/Firewall, but starts with The Day the Earth Collapsed. It’s largely about Haggar and [REDACTED]

(You made something they can’t take away/Now bring the fire of the burning sun on everyone)

Supersonic is here… kinda as a placeholder? Things have shifted around since its original purpose, and frankly it’s here still as a framework for what I like to call The Meme Battle. It’s generally about the increase in Coalition support and general winning as they go after warlords in the aftermath of Feyiv, culminating in I Need a Hero which is, of course, The Meme Battle.

Yes, it’s the Shrek version. It’s the Meme Battle.

(Supersonic, polyphonic, this is our war/Mustering the armies, marching faster than before)

(I need a hero/I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night/He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast/And he's gotta be fresh from the fight)

But Tonight We Dance isn’t exactly a klance song, but it’s here for them. On a diplomatic mission gone wrong, the Red and Blue Paladins of Voltron uncover a literally-buried government conspiracy, a rebel cell, and nearly die. A normal days work for the two of them. But they’ve really gotta stop having relationship milestones in the middle of a warzone.

Another reason it’s here is Tonight We Dance is a very aro song to me. “A language universal, but I speak not its tongue” hits hard. I felt like I needed a bit in here to remind listeners/readers that romance isn’t a language Keith speaks. And it becomes very explicit in this fic, just like Belgrade.

(Tomorrow we might wake in servitude and silence/I will give you everything if only you would have me/Tomorrow we will sweat and toil/Our hands will quiver, caked with soil/Tomorrow we'll give it one last chance/But tonight we dance/But tonight we dance!)

But Tonight We Dance is the last of the Closure fics, which is why it’s here. Closure in general is a lot of Keith’s character development and some of the struggles he goes through to accept his place in the universe and the fact that yes, he does have people that care about him. The last fic is me shining a brighter light on Closure’s chorus and taking a ‘last goodbye’ as never needing to say it again

(I am the child from the stars/That got lost in the dark/Between heaven and hell/I am forced to live on/I am the cause when you sin/I am the demon you skin/But there is no more tears to beautify/This is my last goodbye)

Then we step back into the universe-level action with Soulbound. Revelations from String Theory and Firewall swing back in with a vengeance on a joint Whispers-Voltron mission, leaving them reeling and Krolia questioning her very identity.

(Soulbound, endlessly forever/Locked between the darkness and the light/Don’t drown in the swarming, blackened rising/Hold on to humanity and fight)

About three months after that is My Darkest Hour and Faster Than Light. Haggar realizes something and goes searching for her fifth [spoiler], sending the Blade and the rest of the Coalition scrambling. These also lead directly, and I mean directly, into…

(When the sun comes crashing down/When the world is spinning round and round/I will face what must be my darkest hour)

(Once more we’re flying fast as light/Dark matter passing in the night/Pursued by a force we can’t outrun/As we hurtle towards a dying sun/We maneuver through the remnants of a moon/On the solar winds of supernovas/There is not a place to hide, the Matriarch is close behind/It’s plain to see she’s coming for us all)

Cosmic Vertigo and Other Worlds Than These. Together they are the second of two revelations in what, exactly, is [REDACTED]

(Banish me like burned down planets/Write my fate with sparkling lies/I am the universe; you're just one sky)

(Pull the wool out from your eyes/It won’t shade your frail belief/In the end we cannot hide/There are other worlds than these)

Godhunter is Team Voltron, well, hunting for gods, even as one of them disappears.

(She’s been watching for a century/With hatred, and with scorn/If you know the hunter’s coming/Then you hide or keep on running/'Cause she’s slain the gods before)

Trophy Hunter, Ember, and Redemption are the culmination of Godhunter. I’ve been thinking of them as akin to the suicide mission in Mass Effect 2, if that gives you an idea of what the hell they run into. Also I switched which specific Redemption is on the playlist, because I was listening to Red Handed Denial again and their Redemption was vibing way more than the Hammerfall one. They link up to Godhunter and Soulbound in subject matter, and lead directly into…

(You, you won’t escape me, I’ll rise from the deep/In this final moment, no words left to say/I can’t let you be when a life fades away/You, you won’t escape me ‘cause I’ll set you free)

(Dark matter falling from the sky/Dancing flames reflecting in your eyes as you watch them burn/Watching all your riches witches burn)

(Remember me not for the mess I’ve made/But who I could have been/Finally I’m going home)

World On Fire, This is a Call, The Reckoning, The Wind That Shapes the Land, and Louder Than Words. Switched the order up a bit so it makes more sense chronologically, because the message ‘sent by forces beyond salvation’ has to get there before the reckoning can begin.

(World on fire with a smoking sun/Stops everything and everyone/Brace yourself for all will pay/Help is on the way)

(This is a call to action/This is a call to arms/All lives for one, together/There are no false alarms)

(I see your face, find peace of mind/Between the madness and the sadness and the fire burning/The end of war, the great divine/We’ll see the day of reckoning)

(Search within/Uncover the will to win/Turn against the tide that washes o'er/Find the strength to fall and rise again/Open up the gates, unleash the force/I am the wind that shapes the land/Old as time and twice as strong/Oceans arise at my command/I alone can carry on)

(We have the force to fight/We have the blinding light/A war is more than heard/Coming in louder than words)

#i am dark matter; your road to ruin #dm playlists #guess who spent two hours on this! again! #as usual! #long post #i'm teaching in the morning and it's one am #oops

[smalltragedy]

* justice smith, demi man + he/they | you know gabriel de leon, right? they’re twenty three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, six years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to 1984 (infinite jest) by the used like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole waking up in a body as heavy as the dead, emotions always on the verge of spilling over - you laugh before the punch lands, the belief that every encounter you have will be the last thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hi im just reposting gabe’s intro bc its been a very long time n im starting a little fresh hehe. yes i do regret the text color bt im not going back.

VIOLENCE TW

mini playlist.

ghosting ;; mother mother / roam the room ;; citizen / art of doubt ;; metric / thnks fr th mmrs ;; fall out boy / heart in a cage ;; the strokes / where is my mind? ;; the pixies / flowers grow out of my grave ;; dead man’s bones / 1984 (infinite jest) ;; the used / blister in the sun ;; the violent femmes.

statistics.

full name: gabriel de leon.

nickname(s): gabe.

birthday: october 31st, 1997.

zodiac: scorpio sun, scorpio moon, gemini ascending.

label: the icarian.

hometown: belleville, new jersey.

sexuality: bisexual (masc-leaning).

pinterest.

biography.

it’s only rly ever been gabe n his mom n the little new jersey suburbs that r always the same no matter where they go. they dn’t speak abt fathers or brothers or spain or anywhere other than the now, and how its constantly changing bt oddly the same.

his mom’s name is sonia n we love her. she worked a lot as a single mom n p much hs done everything on her own ever since leaving spain.

they dn’t talk abt spain bt we cn talk abt spain n hw sonia hd grown up partially there n partially in the states n hw she’d originally planned to live there forever bt the man she’d fallen in love with ws involved in some. high class dangerous shit n it ws safer fr them to part even if tht involved leaving everything she knew n loved <3

bt its like. ok. bc she hd gabe <3 n they dnt talk abt it so it practically nvr happened. n she tries her best as a mom n usually tht is enough.

they moved around a lot just bc sonia is a very. flighty person. anxious bt nvr seems tht way is just always. tense. gabe didnt think she ws capable of relaxing fr. a rly long time.

she wld commute 2 nyc every morning n after school gabe wld climb onto the train n by the time he got 2 her place of work she’d be just getting off n they’d get a slice of pizza n sometimes they’d go somewhere like central park or coney island (just fr the novelty) bt most of the time they just got back on the train home w/ gabe either doing homework or napping on her shoulder.

when gabe got a little older he’d sometimes skip school n take the train after sonia had already gone so he cld spend the day in nyc. he liked learning bt didnt rly like school. he nvr properly fit in bc of the amt of times they’d move so it felt like nowhere ws. right fr him.

got rly involved in. the punk scene as a young unsupervised teenager n tht led 2 a lot of like. shitty stick n pokes bt also a love of. very loud angry music n a sense of justice tht he held tightly in his fists. got mouthy towards bullies whether at school or in the scenes he involved himself in n started getting into a lot of fights bc of it.

during this, sonia ended up dating n marrying gabe’s stepdad who he calls craig sometimes bt i dnt think thats his name i wont lie to u guys. its partially a joke n partially purposeful disrespect bc gabriel does not trust a single man bt like. man. ‘craig’ is just an accountant. he’s fine he’s a good dude. they once bonded over like. the mets.

violence tw // anyways. when gabriel ws 16 he got into a super super bad fight tht ended rly. terribly n like listen. nobody died bt it ws just. it got blown up very out of proportion n gabe might’ve gotten expelled even tho he wsnt even the one who started it bt thts okay. ‘craig’, or paul, suggested tht maybe. a change of scenery wld b good fr gabe n b4 they knew it they were. moving to paul-robert’s hometown of irving, north carolina. violence end of tw //

he wld’ve complained more bt. fr sonia’s sake gabe kept it 2 himself. it made her happy 2 see them all get along anyways n like. idk he cld put forth tht little effort <3

bt honestly like. he didnt rly get into too many fights once they moved down here n even tho sometimes he ws like. ommgg. i hate this town .. its so washed up .. he still made friends n like. the only thing tht changed ws tht it ws a lil harder fr him 2 acquire illegal substances.

anyways. currently he hs a tattoo apprenticeship n is a professional piercer n like. he plays guitar n writes songs bt thts more of a hobby rn than anything else. mostly focused on paying his rent at port apartments bc as much as he. loves his mom he does not want 2 live with her forever <3 n thts okay!

personality & facts.

overall xtremely passionate person like god. feels emotions so intensely. every time he opens his mouth n talks abt an interest of theirs its just very like. u listen n ur like oh. gained 2 inspiration. thanks.

clings onto his friends p tightly bc he like. nvr rly stayed in one place fr super super long in new jersey so he nvr made very long term friends n now hes like. very clingy HLKDSHLKFSHLKDG also hates to b alone. subtle desperation behind interactions with ppl he rly wld like to be friends with.

like dnt get me wrong hes gotten into. sm fights bt thts mostly bc he cannot keep his mouth shut n he also cnt stand douchebags he like. always wants to tear them down prob bc he ws a victim of bullying. n u know what. we support him. otherwise he loves ppl bt esp if they hv similar interests 2 him.

like golden retriever who bites kind of. intensely loyal but at the same time is very skeptical. things tht good things do not last very long even though they’ve been doing already fr the last few years.

also bit of a nerd. they were nvr rly a big fan of school bt theres smth abt a good superhero comic tht draws their attention more than like. any english class evr. bt seven soldiers of victory? classic. big dc fan.

uh. very into like. hardcore music. hardcore rock. punk. if its loud n angry they r into it like so so much. hs sm tattoos is like. super covered in them its partially bc they work at a tattoo shop n partially bc they do not know hw to manage their money well.

ooohh u know what theyre. kinda moody i wont lie to u. very defensive like they dnt evr wna talk abt their past. has experienced Things n they do not wish to discuss them. will usually like. deflect frm conversations he doesnt wna hv.

in tune with nature. loves fkn taking walks. hangs out in the woods by abernathy creek n lilac ridge bc nobody rly goes there n its just. nice

tries not 2 take anything super seriously 2 the point where when he does take smth seriously its a little scary bc theyre super intense abt it. forcibly optimistic even tho on the inside he feels like a total pessimist. lots of. deep down insecurities tht he projects by attaching himself p firmly onto others. >.>

so so so energetic. can never stay still. always hs to be moving around. restless like tht. probably got it frm his mom. overly protective over the ppl he loves. probably got it frm his mom as well.

goes onto Tangents bt also divert frm those tangents n is generally all over the place.

always cold n always looks tired n like he hsnt slept in a thousand years n u know what. sometimes he just does not sleep.

oooohh theyre a vegan. totally into animal rights. devious little demi man beyond that .. loves horror n the paranormal n believes in like. every cryptic. will debate u on it.

erm not. the kindest 2 themself theyre a bit self destructive. impulsive. drives very fast n parties super hard. said i will hv my effy stonem moment. u dont hv to gabe.

bt ya! luvs oranges n reds n is maybe a short king. hs an eyebrow piercing n like. a lip ring i wont fk around here he IS living his best emo life in 2021. a little outdated on the trends bt thats okay. probably will tell u hes frm new jersey. its a personality trait. smokes the shittiest cigarettes ever.

wanted plots.

just ghosting along ,, dnt even exist 2 me ,, ;; god. firstly just the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs like. spoken to romantically n then dropped suddenly. n then maybe like. one tht actually Hurt bt they cnt avoid each other bt theyre actively pretending each other doesnt exist n its. hurtful bc it ws like. actually smth nice bt <3 ykno FKLFSDHG

hey hey heyy c’maahn i’m just a little guy ;; n this is the vast amt of ppl tht gabe hs probably. pissed off n hs either fought or been on the verge of fighting just. unable 2 resist a good bicker-turned-duel.

just blistering in the sun ;; they cld b close friends bt also they cld also not b bt just ppl who. indulge in bad impulsive decisions with gabe. general bad influences on each other’s health n just. no good! party hard bt at what cost.

n also ;; like ... rly solid good friendships ... flings n maybe an exe or two tht either ended on good terms or just. horrendous, ppl they’ve distanced frm, ppl also frm up north, piercing customers, bt not tattoo customers bc im p sure they’d get fired if they were just tattoo’ing ppl willy nilly, etc.

#irvingintro #violence tw #(more of a brief mention) #bt still #jst reposting bc its been so long JFGDHFDSGSLFKG

[welcome-to-gaytown]

all of them

sheesh this was long

The meaning behind my url:

uhh i remember seeing a welcome to hadestown thingy somewhere and i wanted to change my url

A picture of me:

yeah no

How many tattoos i have and what they are:

none :(

Last time i cried and why:

literally an hour ago because uhh parents and crushes and bestfriends

Piercings i have:

both my ears

Favorite band:

none

Biggest turn offs:

no

Top 5 (insert subject):

?

Tattoos i want:

okay so theres gonna be one with different types of flowers going from mid calf to mid thigh and also i want a forearm sleeve. i want two daisies on my shoulder and a really big, intricate tattoo on my back that goes upto my neck

Biggest turn ons:

shutting this down

Age:

nope <3

Ideas of a perfect date:

just somewhere where it can be us being us instead of some public facade

Life goal:

getting out of this house

Piercings i want:

a regular nostril piercing and a lip ring

Relationship status:

single ig?

Favorite movie:

dont watch movies

A fact about my life:

it sucks whyd you phrase the question like this

Phobia:

none

Middle name:

mary

Height:

5'3

Are you a virgin?

not doing this

What’s your shoe size?

8

What’s your sexual orientation?

pan demi

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

i take pills each morning for my syndrome?

Someone you miss:

him

What’s one thing you regret?

letting my mom get this far gone

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:

taylor russel

Favorite ice cream? dont have one

One insecurity:

someone will get tired of my life being too shitty and leave me

What my last text message says:

idk i just feel like he doesnt really like me and ig i just feel like we are drifitng of some shit

Have you ever taken a picture naked? no

Have you ever painted your room? yes

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?

my sister on her forehead

Have you ever slept naked? yes

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? no

Have you ever had a crush? @my best friends

Have you ever been dumped? no

Have you ever stole money from a friend?

they werent my friends

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?

no

Have you ever been in a fist fight?

yes

Have you ever snuck out of your house?

kinda

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? @my best friends

Have you ever been arrested?

no but hopefully it doesnt run in our blood

Have you ever made out with a stranger?

nope

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?

yep

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?

yep

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?

ew no

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?

no

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?

my brother when we stayed up being therapists to each other so we ended up passing out together

Have you ever seen someone die?

no

Have you ever been on a plane?

yes

Have you ever kissed a picture?

ew no

Have you ever slept in until 3?

pm or am because both

Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now?

yes what is this question make it grammatically correct

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yeah

Have you ever made a snow angel?

no

Have you ever played dress up?

no

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

yeah its how id hone my thievery skills

Have you ever been lonely?

always, nothing is enough

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

yep

Have you ever been to a club?

no

Have you ever felt an earthquake?

no

Have you ever touched a snake?

kinda

Have you ever ran a red light?

my mom has while i was in the car

Have you ever been suspended from school?

close but no

Have you ever had detention?

yep but i managed to talk my way out of it

Have you ever been in a car accident?

yes

Have you ever hated the way you look?

haha boy if you knew

Have you ever witnessed a crime?

my dad-yes

Have you ever pole danced?

no??

Have you ever been lost?

mentally or physically bc yeah both

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?

yep

Have you ever felt like dying?

always

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

crying makes me tired, it helps me go to sleep because most nights i dont sleep until like four am

Have you ever sang karaoke?

no

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

cut

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?

ew no

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

my oldest sister?? we share a bed when she comes home from college

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

nope

Have you ever sang in the shower?

no

Have you ever made out in a park?

no

Have you ever dream that you married someone?

no

Have you ever glued your hand to something?

no

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?

no

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked?

no

Have you ever been a cheerleader?

no

Have you ever sat on a roof top?

no

Have you ever brush your teeth?

id be scared of myself if i said no

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone?

no

Have you ever played chicken?

yes

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

yes

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?

kinda yeah actually

Have you ever broken a bone?

no

Have you ever been easily amused?

eh

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

yeah

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?

yeah no

Have you ever cheated on a test?

nope

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?

my own yeah

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

yeah and he is currently GHOSTING ME AND I AM SAD

Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

uhh i sometimes get scared my brother will hit me because my brother, one of my sisters, and i got my dads anger issues and so my brother gets really angry and i just get kinda scared that he'll hit me like dad

#tw abuse #??? #ig #asks #aces interactions

[flipchild]

2, 10, 13, 24, 28, 30, 33, 36, 39, 40, 46 for the asks. oh thats a lot

what is your problem <3 you're lucky I am avoiding work

2: Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it?

both; black coffee; black tea, usually chai or Bigelow lemon lift; my favorite tea is lapsang souchong

and I like a cappy chino wrt espresso

10: How tall are you?

5' 10" (177.8 cm)

13: Fears?

Snakes! I am fine looking at them but my adrenaline response goes OFF whenever I see one out hiking.

I used to be afraid of heights but I climbed rocks and bridges to get over that and now I like to climb and shut off my fear of heights.

Getting stuck in a rut and not knowing how to get out, or not caring to get out. I can see myself as a bitter alcoholic in some futures (not that that is such an awful thing to be-- I just do not want that for me because it would be an awful thing for me that I would have trouble placing myself outside of it bc eventually i would desire to do so (however distant and vague.) Relapsing in general, I have an inability to self-regulate THC use if obtaining weed is an available choice. If I don't view it as an inability, I WILL justify using (with or without my noticing of doing so.)

24: When was the last time you cried? Why?

I've been on SSRIs since high school, which I think is actually the last time? I would really like to cry sometime soon, I could use it.

I was in theatre and cried over doing last shows with my friends. I only rly cried when ppl were leaving my life (breakups, last times, etc). I have a trait inherited from my mother (and just from like, society) that I rly hate being seen crying so it's always behind closed doors.

28: How are you, really?

uhhh. I'm alright. Today hasn't been particularly eventful, but I think I've established a baseline where I can't lay-about. I have a lot of trouble relaxing, which is why I smoked in the first place (if you want to pathologize, and yeah it is resultant from "ADHD" and deleterious in the environment I live in, you could call it vigilance.)

Ready to move out: I am nervous for the upcoming semester since I'm more set up for success than I've ever been. I've had trouble academically due to executive dysfunction and lacking time-management skills, and so a lot of my summer has been working on growth and healing etc. oh and making up late work. I got a YEAR extension on two final essays which is incredibly dangerous for someone with the conditions I have. but I'm almost done with the first class (at least 60% of the work!)

Growing, being myself, becoming myself... doing so in my home environment is exhausting. Realizing I have a codependent relationship with both my parents, and trying 2 set the boundary where even tho I know how to fix their communication issues, it is not and should not be my job to be my mother's sole confidant and communication-teacher.

30: What are you looking forward to in the near future?

I have an apartment I'm living in with two of my friends and I think it will b rly good for me. We are all fairly recovery-minded and two ppl with executive dysfunction living together helps both out immensely. Excited 2b back in city, not excited 2 lift unwieldy furniture.

Going back 2 school, going back 2 my job at the climbing wall (i have hardly climbed all summer!!!), I have a friend who I think I have a crush on, I just need 2 ask her out for realsies. we went on a date before summer and I don't want to lead her on / leave her in limbo. but she's sweet and smart and works harder than I ever could and I do genuinely think we enjoy and lift up each other.

33: Do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed

I could never ever ever sleep with my door open. at home my door is allllllways closed if i'm not in my room. Partially an addict thing but I've always done so. I scrap for every scrap of privacy I get here.

36: Do you like your middle name?

Yeah! Not to doxx myself, but it's Sinclair-- I initially thought to change my name to Claire as a shortening, but that would simply make my name Claire Sinclair and while that is funny it's not as funny as my initials being ASS (which they are.)

39: Do you stay up late?

usually and since forever. In highschool it was BC that was the time I could be lazy/do what I wanted/pace around to music. In college it is because I didn't make enough of my day so I had to bail out my shipwreck fueled by french press and crisis.

40: Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy?

Yes!!! I love to swim in saltwater. I am not a strong swimmer so I am afraid to go far out. I like it sunny BC its usually the most light exposure I get all summer so my freckles come in ^_^

46: What do you need when you’re sad?

a hug, a cup of hot drink, some time alone with the promise that I'll have someone to talk to when I'm ready,

IDK. I have not had anyone close 2 me who I feel comfortable sharing that I'm sad with in far too long... Like ostensibly my parents COULD provide that but they're too busy hounding me over productivity. maybe remy or elle or laney could do that for me. or Dusty or Jos. actually those last 2 strike me as the best equipped 2 help me thru great sadness... not that I particularly experience anything more than regret or malaise too often...

thanks for sending me 200000 questions, anon. I love you. I hate you

#asks #oh i just shared a lot. nothing I havent before I guess. who care #long post