#anyway this week on i use my own personal experiences to make text posts

[thegreatyin]

Your posts about Fallen London are slowly tempting me into playing it- do you have any tips to start or is it best to play it completely blind?

i have a few tips and tricks! mind you im far from a veteran and i basically got my hand held by tumblr for most of the game so take everything with a grain of salt. you can and should do whatever you want always. i don't personally play it blind, but you may get more enjoyment out of it if you do, and that's awesome and im super happy for you. this is what i can say from experience:

take your time with it. this is like. the numero uno fallen london tip. it's not a game where you rush to the end in a week. it's a game where you do 10-minute-intervals of a marathon to the end in maybe a few months if you know what you're doing. spending money on action refills usually isn't worth it when you can just mosey on through neathly life one storylet at a time. a vast majority of the game's content is completely free to everyone, and while the monthly subscription options are pretty neat and let you play some exclusive story stuff (that can be pretty fire- cricket anyone basically defined the scoundrel's entire character) none of it is required and 99% of the time you aren't missing out on anything by just taking your time and exploring the neath at your own pace.

you need to raise all of your skills eventually! this is, uh. something im horribly guilty of not following myself. you can (and probably should) pick at least two stats to focus on for your character (most of the time these will be your main ambition stats, aka the closest thing FL has to a main story questline) but eventually you Will be expected to have them all at around the 100 range, minimum. for certain Super Late-game Story Content, watchful 200 is mandatory to start it, so if you have trouble choosing i'd recommend leveling that bad boy first. don't neglect your other stats though!!! don't be like me. don't be like my poor poor neglected shadowy and dangerous. it's too late for me. save yourself.

friends are fun and free and you are legally mandated to exploit them for fun and profit. okay you really aren't mandated to exploit your FL friends list but you totally should anyway just for goofy sillies. to be less jokey about it, while fallen london is primarily a single-player gaming experience, the playerbase is super friendly and super open to helping each other out (especially new players!). go on reddit, ask around on tumblr, get yourself a few buddies and use them as resources to gain items and stats and menace reduction i mean. valued companions that im sure you will treasure forever and definitely not backstab to publish that inflammatory newspaper article you've been cooking up.

on a very loosely similar note, the fallen london wiki is your best friend. yes, we're following stardew rules with this one. this is the kind of game best optimally played with a wiki article or three open in the neighboring tabs so you can follow along and know what is what. there's tons of guides on basically every part of FL, and it's no shame at all to reach out to either it or the wider community if you get stuck or feel lost at something.

if an in-game storylet has bold text, it will never lie to you! except for when it does. but that's very very very rare. you can always trust the bold text. it is always your friend. i prommy. which brings us neatly into our next bulletpoint,

seeking the name is ill-advised because it's the only storyline that can permanently brick your account at its conclusion. don't worry, the ease at which you can avoid this is practically comical, and the game will Always give you multiple chances to opt-out if you somehow accidentally start it anyway. most people make a dedicated alt character entirely for the purpose of sacrificing them to the well of doom. unless you're playing with your eyes closed for multiple months straight, you'll never run into SMEN without deliberately chasing it, and if you somehow get to that point honestly man just ignore this entire bulletpoint and see how far the rabbithole goes. go on. it's friendly :)

batfucking is always the right answer to any problem ever

echoes/the game's standard currency should always be thought of as a method of gaining items rather than a strict hoard of video game dollars. money-making can be super difficult in the earlygame, but it gets exponentially easier as you go further on. you shouldn't be afraid to sell anything you don't need, though personally i'd recommend keeping an "insurance stock" of the most basic items just in case. this includes rostygold, moon-pearls, honey droplets, etc. by-and-large, these are the easiest items to get in a pinch, and it usually isn't worth buying them from the bazaar when you can otherwise get them naturally through other methods around london. once you've got a good lodgings setup and feel decently familiar with the earlygame zones and their options, you should aim to have at minimum 1,000 of these bad boys on hand at any given time, then feel free to sell any excess you make for some quick cash in a pinch.

menaces aren't as bad as you may think, but be wary of specifically suspicion! the four main menace qualities you'll encounter in the earlygame are nightmares, wounds, scandal, and suspicion. when one of these menace stacks reach 8, you'll automatically be trapped in a unique location corresponding to whatever menace you raised too high and will have to spend time working your way out. some (nightmares and wounds) tend to fly-by rather quickly, while others (scandal and suspicion) tend to take a bit longer to get out of. none of these mean the end of your playthrough or your character, and some quests even require you to visit certain menace-exclusive locations! there are tons of items and ways to reduce menaces and keep yourself out of Situations such as these, but suspicion in particular is probably the only menace you should avoid maxing At All Costs. when your suspicion gets too high and you get sent to its special menace zone too often, you build up a criminal record that makes it harder to reduce suspicion in the future. fortunately, suspicion is the only menace with this gimmick, and before this record gets too high it's just as easy to keep row as the rest of the lot. TLDR, death from wounds is easy to escape from, but avoiding the strongarm of the law is substantially more annoying and inconvenient.

or you could be like tumblr user @with-bells-upon, who's apparently avoided death at all costs and apparently hasn't died once in the entire several months they've been playing. i don't even know how they've gotten this far without doing that. it's kind of impressive, kind of funny. especially since their ambition is one the few requiring you to die to proceed. this isn't a piece of advice i just wanted to affectionately call them out because what the heck

speaking of ambitions, pick the ambition that's right for you! ambitions are the biggest overarching questline in the game, and their requirements and rewards span the entire neath and occasionally even beyond. all four ambitions are meant to be started early and last well into the mid and late game. outside of a certain special situation regarding the light fingers ambition (the only ambition that explicitly lies to you in-game when describing its premise) you can't change your ambition without spending money, so choose carefully and choose well. they're all (mostly) equally rewarding and equally fulfilling adventures that will define your player character and your journey through the neath. there's tons of advice and spoiler-free summaries of each ambition online, so i won't cover it all here. just do your research (or don't, if you prefer) and follow your heart. maybe playing the world's most high-stake poker game ever speaks to you. maybe you want to commit a murder. maybe you want to commit a murder in the name of justice and/or revenge. maybe you just want a really really big really really shiny rock. all can be found in the neath, and all shall (eventually) be well.

if you buy 400 lucky weasels you get a special achievement. i don't need to say more.

make up a guy. this is another legal mandate if you're a fallen london player. you have to make up your own little sicko victorian london guy and roleplay them while you play. trust me. it's fun. it's free. they're going to haunt you forever. the scoundrel got a nickname like 4 months ago and ever since my mind has never known peace.

and probably most important of all, fallen london might not be the game for you, and that's okay. it includes a lot of reading. and grinding. and i do mean a lot of reading and grinding. particularly the latter, which tends to throw people off the most out of anything. it's a very niche game for a very niche audience and getting into it can be an acquired taste at the best of times. but when you do get into it, it's some Really good writing and Really in-depth worldbuilding and the most fun you'll ever have imagining sicko victorian guys running around building train stations and railway tracks directly to hell. take your time, have fun, and most important of all, always look to love.

anyway yeah that's my fallen london tips and tricks list isn't it really short and comprehendible

#im not really good at writing advice. hope this helps u out regardless #ask #fallen london #long post

[greenerteacups]

Hey GTC, I have always been such a fan of your Tumblr and your engagement with the fandom. However I must say that as of late, the questions you’re being asked most often are essentially variants of “Will X happen?” or “Will Y character do Z like in the book?” or even, “I’m noticing Theme A, will it continue in future chapters?”

A significant element of the fun that you’ve created for Lionheart readers is that we don’t know which elements and events of the JKR texts you’ll preserve untouched and which you’ll turn into the sixth and seventh year Lionheart storylines. I adore making my guesses to which parts of canon you’ll play with and which parts you’ll completely and utterly upend. Unfortunately, questions that ask about canon events in books 5-7 ruin so much of the fun.

Historically, you’ve used the Ask box to provide us with analyses of your own work and characterizations, but I feel as if recently you are often indulging questions about books 5, 6, and 7. I hate to say it, but I even feel that your answers veer into spoiler territory. I used to lurk your Tumblr incessantly, but since I’ve started to see this influx in predictive questions these past couple weeks, I’ve been avoiding the app.

It’s such a gift that we get to engage with your work on such a vibrant epistolary and interactive space as your Tumblr. I know that you can’t control what fans ask, but I humbly request that you please consider refusing to answer questions that ask you to ponder future events. Thank you for your tender care to everyone in the fandom. ❤️‍🔥🦁🧡

Hey, what's up, dude. I hear you. Sorry about that.

The problem is that the line between spoilers and not spoilers is totally subjective, and the line between "spoilers that are fine" and "spoilers that bother me" is also totally subjective. I don't know where you are on it, but we probably don't line up, and that's okay. I just don't know how I'd begin to sort out questions that one person considers "too much" from what someone else just thinks is fun analysis. My hard rules are as follows: I don't answer any questions about future ships, events, or arcs (and I get a lot). I haven't revealed anything that I would be unhappy to discover in a Tumblr askbox instead of a fic itself. True, I've dropped teaser/trailer stuff for 6 and 7, but to be honest, even looking over the stuff I've posted recently — I hate to say it, but I disagree with you. It isn't spoilers. Not to me, anyway.

But that's just me! There's no right or wrong answer here, it's just a coordination problem of how we can both cultivate social media experiences that make us happy. For instance: I like answering questions about my fic. It makes me happy to talk to people who want to know what happens. It encourages me and gets me excited to write about it, and I don't believe that any of the content on my Tumblr spoils what's going to happen. I don't really want to stop doing that, so I'm not going to. If that means you and other readers whose spoiler thresholds are below mine can't engage with my Tumblr, that's a natural consequence of us having different attitudes about media, and it was bound to happen. I'm sorry that that's the case, but it would bring me much more grief for you to injure your reading experience than it would for you to avoid my (largely irrelevant) e-journal full of random metatext. I love my fic, and I love my readers, you most certainly included; I do not, candidly speaking, love my Tumblr account. And for what it's worth, I absolutely do not think anything I've written on here is worth diminishing your experience of a story you enjoy. It wouldn't jive with my philosophy of literature and art.

So here's what I got: I'll continue tagging spoilers about past and current events as [#lionheart spoilers], and if a question makes reference to events not published, I'll use the tag [#prognosticating]. That way you can block the tag, and other readers can enjoy content that fits under their threshold of non-spoilerism. If our thresholds still don't line up, then I think the only solution may really be to block the [#lionheart spoilers] tag altogether. That's probably not the answer you're looking for, but it's the best I can do.

#greenteacup asks #I am doing the best I can #it's hard to get questions about what's going to happen because I do try to give tidbits if i can't answer the main point #just so people will have something? but it's rough to know I'm disappointing people on both sides #as is inevitable really. those who want to know more and want to know less. you will never make everyone happy #but also— if a creator isn't writing stuff you want to read #I suspect you already know at some level the answer just has to be that you stop reading #I sometimes debate if having a Tumblr is worth the stress of trying to manage an internet presence #I generally think it is

[voxxy1950]

Hello! I’ve seen your posts and reblog an about nod as well as other people’s and they were a bit nervrackingly relatable. I did a built of research on it but I want to know a bit about it from a real person who has it before I try to get diagnosed. So can you tell me like symptoms and things like that? If you’d like

Of course! I'm assuming you meant NPD and nod is a typo. Just a warning, I am self-diagnosed (I've done months of research and reflection, though, and was in denial for a while) but I do plan to get an official diagnosis sometime in the future, I don't trust mental healthcare here but I might try the next time I see my psychiatrist.

Anyway, I'll get started. The experiences of pwNPD (people with NPD) may vary, but I'll speak from my experiences.

I tend to be very self-focused, arrogant, and especially hyperfixated on the idea of me being successful. My need to be successful, to be someone is something that deeply affects me in my daily life. I might act like I'm the best and seem quite pretentious, but admittedly, the self-esteem of pwNPD is extremely fragile. Big ego (which is also fragile), fragile self-esteem. I also withdraw from any situation in which I know or think I have a possibility of failure. For me, this includes music. I also tend to get pettily upset at even the smallest losses, like, for example, when I lost a simple checkers match with my partner. That was well over weeks ago, but my ego still hasn't recovered from that. A lot of pwNPD also have difficulty with empathy. I'm not sure if my low empathy is due to my autism or my NPD, but I experience it nonetheless. I have a lot of difficulty imagining what others feel like or even caring about how they feel, even if it's someone I like. I do try to help or comfort them, but inevitably I don't empathise with them. It's rare, but I have heard of high empathy pwNPD too. Many pwNPD struggle with vulnerability as well. It makes us feel weak, incompetent, the sort. We don't want that because we want to see ourselves as perfect, which is why it can sometimes be really difficult to trust people with our feelings. I don't even trust my own boyfriends to be vulnerable with them.

Why does NPD develop? NPD develops usually in childhood to early adulthood, and is lifelong. Most of the time it's from childhood trauma or excessive praise at an early age. Now me? My father was mostly absent during my entire life, I'm hyperverbal, meaning I was able to make use of language at a very early age, and I'm a skilled artist and story writer, I've also been very knowledgeable and curious, and quite ambitious at a young age. Of course, this led to the adults around me constantly praising me when I was young, constantly indirectly setting expectations for me, telling me I'd be something great. Soon, the praise, at least from my mother, felt very half-assed and I started feeling like I was doing something wrong. I'd always been very ambitious, so I don't know how I could live with myself if I died a nobody. I've had some trauma too which really stressed me out, etc., which could've contributed to how I am now.

There are also things like narc crashes. NPD crashes often occur when a pwNPD doesn't have enough supply, but it may happen after receiving critique or otherwise too. Supply is what narcissists need to keep themselves from crashing, which typically includes amounts of praise or compliments. When I crash, I tend to withdraw from people and be overly critical of myself or quite angry, and it often results in my mental breakdowns or meltdowns due to my incapability of handling strong emotions.

And heres a resources masterlist, they have a diagnostic criteria somewhere in there too https://www.tumblr.com/mischiefmanifold/728311937261355008/image-description-dark-pink-text-on-a-pale-pink?source=share

Even if you do end up not having NPD but still seem to struggle with things we do, or if you do find out you have NPD, here are some things that you might find useful.

Make people aware of your needs. It's okay to ask for a little praise or compliments once in a while, and they can really make me feel better and prevent me from crashing or having a meltdown. I also have a bot for compliments over here.

Keep a little collection, maybe a corner or an album, of things you're proud of. When you're feeling worthless it can help to look back on previous achievements and strive to be better.

Remember to be patient with yourself. It's fine to be the way you are, it's fine if you won't change, it's fine, really. But I know if you're struggling with how NPD or NPD traits affect you if you do have it, you can definitely find a way to properly accommodate yourself and your needs to live better.

I'm still learning myself on how to accommodate my needs and work through my struggles, but I hope that helps.

Tell me if you have any more questions or concerns!

#NPD #npd advice #actually npd #npd safe

[rock-n-serval]

My experience with Serval’s companion missions

I finished both “Time Express” and “Only A Child” and wrote this up shortly after on hoyolab about a week ago, but I figured I might as well post it all on here as well with a few additional thoughts towards the end now that I had more time to think about everything. Needless to say, I experienced many emotions that I felt the need to ramble on about.

(so spoiler warning for those two missions? though I’m sure the majority have completed them already.)

Being relatively new to HSR, I didn’t realize these specific missions ultimately allowed for certain characters to become visitors on the Astral Express. I’ve done a couple of these missions previously, but thought it was just a random occurrence regarding who and when they’ll ask to visit the train. This is my own fault for accepting missions too quickly, so I tend to miss some finer details. This was absolutely the case once I got a message from Serval because of course I’m going to drop everything I’m currently doing and help out one of my favorites in the blink of an eye! She’s been a reliable teammate of mine til now so you can imagine the blissful shock I felt when she brings up the possibility of joining the Astral Express.

Deep deep down, I had a feeling that the game itself was set in stone with who the main group of the Express was going to consist of. It’s a pretty solid family of six after all, so I had my doubts it was going to expand so easily, especially at the wishes of us as the mc. Everyone would just recruit their favorite characters and then no one would be left roaming the worlds (which I do enjoy, honestly. Seeing all these familiar faces out and about, living their own lives when you can go check in on them whenever you want. Makes the world feel more.. I dunno, inviting? real?). Anyway, even with that tint of doubt, I strongly hoped such an idea was still possible. The game is great about having various replies to the different text options we can choose during conversation, giving the impression that what you say does indeed make some kind of impact (which is another thing I love about this game btw), so naturally, being me, I wanted Serval to join us. Like, now. Instantly.

I chose to run the idea by Himeko, but read online afterwards that she, Welt and Pom-Pom would’ve accept a new member regardless. It was sweet learning how open they were to a friend of yours joining the family, but it makes me sad knowing that now after having finished both missions because darn it, it could’ve actually happened had the game let it! Aahh, it seemed easy and too good to be true, and if there was one person I was wary of about this whole situation going by smoothly, it was Gepard. Upon running into the siblings in the workshop and seeing him ask Serval about rejoining the Silvermane Guards again, I believed that would deter her from actually wanting to stay in Belobog, as the job might cause some unpleasant memories to resurface. Even though I wasn’t surprised to see Serval being so hesitant about the idea or going to talk to Bronya, I was pleasantly surprised about Gepard agreeing that Serval might benefit well from traveling. I was happy to hear that, of course, but also because he also seemed more concerned with his sister’s happiness and well-being rather than what’s best for the city and the civilians, which says a lot about him, being captain of the guards.

Cut to the conversation happening within Qlipoth Fort and here’s where my first “oh no, she’s staying” feeling struck me. Up til now, I knew Serval was a kind and considerate soul; it was evident back when she stayed behind to assist Gepard and his men fight off the incoming enemies while everyone else went to confront Cocolia at Everwinter Hill. Seeing her choose her family over the chance to see a stellaron, something Serval spent so much time and effort into researching over the many years for her career, spoke volumes to me about how selfless she is. Hearing her admit that her idea of running away with the Express crew to fulfill her own dreams was a bit recklessly selfish instead of help those in need in Belobog with the skills only she has made her really pause and think about what to do next.

To add even more fuel to the fire, the past comes back to haunt Serval even more with the reveal of the famous guitar. This moment is a little silly to me though, but only because I’ve been persistently using Serval on my team, so seeing her with the guitar is nothing new in my eyes, but it’s clear that story Serval hasn’t seen said guitar in quite some time. Which makes me wonder, how did she help Gepard and the soldiers near the barrier previously without her main weapon..?

Oh boy, and to think I’ve been letting her fight so often with such a guitar so heavily linked to her upsetting past. I’m sorry sweetie, I didn’t know!

Moving onwards, there’s one thing I adore about this conversation with the siblings near the flower shop and it's how the npc on the bench was actually playing one of Serval’s songs. If I hadn’t recently went back and watched all the character’s trailers then I probably wouldn’t have caught that extra detail, but it’s so good that they included it and had Serval confirm it as well to prove I wasn’t going insane and overly thinking about it. But yeah, another slight “oh no, she’s not gonna want to leave” moment if the people actually enjoy and appreciate her music.

I still kept teetering whether or not the game was actually gonna allow Serval to join the Astral Express at this point with all the little hints it tossed in, but when following the siblings back to the workshop to help Serval pack her bags, I was like “wow, maybe it could actually happen?” I wasn’t completely convinced though since every item we looked at around the shop seemed to have a ton of sentimental value to them, such as the unfinished letter to her mother, the plant from Lynx, that family heirloom case and of course the guitar. Now is a good of a time as any to also mention how much I love Serval’s voice actress. Throughout this whole mission (and the one upcoming), she has put so much darn emotion into her voice! I swear it was enough to get me emotional too. I’m not only saying that because Serval is a favorite of mine and I’m bias but because of how easy it was to feel her pain through every word spoken. Even now, just reading the conversation over again, I can still hear the emotion so clearly in my mind. The weight behind all her words, sighs, pauses and the hopelessness she felt due to all the changes in her life that she had no real control over.. aah, I just have so much empathy and love for this girl y’all.

Once everything was packed and ready, I truly thought the Express family was gonna succeed in gaining another member.. that is until Gepard opens his mouth and requests some assistance in the Underworld. I can accept he truly wanted Serval’s help with all the energy hubs, maybe to also spend a little more time with her before she leaves and I’m certain he had no idea of an incoming monster attack, but the end result really threw my wish out the window. I did appreciate that quick moment that happened before taking the train to the Underworld, where it was briefly mentioned that Serval was late to meet us due to actually getting in touch with her parents. I like how she’s making an effort to be on better terms with the family despite being kicked out, and while there’s no issue with mom, there’s still a lot of tension between her and dad. Thankfully Gepard is fully aware of it as well. Again, I love all the emotion in Serval’s voice, even her slight anger.

And the emotions just keep on coming in waves because her entire encounter with this decaying Cocolia-like shadow almost had me breaking down and shaking as well.

It's happened a couple times now within the story and these missions that whenever the conversation does get real heavy, Serval tries her hardest to lighten the mood regardless of what she feels in her heart and I want to hug her so much. She doesn’t deserve all this pain!

Honestly though, with all the heartbreak and setbacks Serval has endured since Cocolia went power hungry, we’re lucky it all didn’t lead her to start her own villain arc, ya know? I’m thankful she stayed strong all these years, but who knows how close she was to snapping and giving up and that thought alone makes me so sad. The game can only show us so much about each character but just imaging Serval struggle from losing her job, all her research, her closest friend and all the family drama is a lot for one person to bear. 

Good lil’ Geppie stepping forward to defend his sister while she needs a moment to get all her emotions in check.

And me too, naturally. I’d defend this woman with my life and give her the world if I could! She deserves so much happiness!

Yeaaahh sweetie, fight your demons! And not that anyone was wondering, but yes I had Serval on my actual team this entire time, so having her actually take part in this fight was wonderful once again. 

With the all the chaos over with, we all end up back at Natasha’s clinic to check up on the people we helped escaped and I’m hit with even more “oh no” signals as we witness this other sister and brother pair talk about their family.

And the warning signs kept on flashing in my head as Gepard speaks his own mind as well. Serval’s silence is so loud til her request to chat with her brother confirms exactly what I’ve been fearing.

And then the “oh no” feeling finally lands a critical hit on my heart as Serval reveals her choice to stay in Belobog. Again, I had a hunch it was going to happen, but having Himeko approve of a new member and Serval pack her bags really had me believe that her boarding the Atral Express was possible for a while.

Even though the news bums be out, it means so much more to see Serval turn over a new leaf and become a better version of herself.

And you just know she’s going to improve Belobog so much with all her knowledge and skills with mechanics. We might not personally get to see it, since there’s so much else going on within the game’s story, but I can dream, can’t I?

Now, I’m already proud of her for all the personal progress she’s made so far to make the decision to stay, but I could’ve never imagined what her final request would’ve been back on Everwinter Hill. For a brief moment, I took her words quite literally and believed we were actually going to hear her sing a calm melody or something.

Once she started shouting.. I quickly realized this wasn’t gonna be as heartfelt as I thought. If I was in Serval’s place, I probably would’ve sent countless swears to Cocolia for all the heartache her actions left upon me. 

What actually happened, however, was far from anything I expected! At first I figured perhaps Serval might’ve brought the guitar to use as a makeshift headstone of sorts, but nope! Let’s smash it to pieces instead! Ooohh what a powerful moment, not only because of the quick cutscene or all the rage in her “I will no longer live in your shadow!” scream (sending praise to her voice actress once more), but also due to how significant that guitar was to both Serval and Cocolia. It was something they built together and as much as Serval absolutely loves music, she rather live freely without her past holding her hostage than keep the instrument around as a constant reminder of everything she lost.

Again, I feel so bad because I use Serval all the time in fights and knowing now what that guitar represents to her is.. unfortunate. I mean, I know Cocolia was the one who gathered all the parts available so Serval could create it just as perfectly as she designed it, but I’d like to imagine Serval was capable to create a newer improved version of the guitar afterwards.. just so I won’t feel guilty having her in my team still. Anyways, I did find it a little funny that after witnessing his sister rage out and destroy one of her most special possessions, he asks something so simple.

But all is well because she definitely deserves to feel happy and free from her past. I wish she could’ve been there for the real final battle too. Whatever happened to March promising to take pictures of the stellaron for her, huh? I know the battle was wild but surely she had to capture some moments yeah? Pftt, I wish.

After a quick thanks (which really wasn't necessary because I'd happily do anything for this woman), her mood improves so quick and I’m glad she’s got all that weight off her shoulders now and can focus more on better and brighter things in her life.

When all is said and done, of course I sprinted back to see if there was anything additional after the mission ended and I’m glad I checked. She’s not wrong about how the whole guitar smashing fits the rock n’ roll vibe, so now I’m feeling a bit stupid about how I never thought of that actually being something she would do considering everything that’s happened, but it works very well for her story.

As proud as I am of her for willingly offering her assistance so everyone can have better lives in Belobog, I am holding onto that “for now” bit so tightly within my grasp.

I know better to get my hopes up again but.. please please please please please ~

And that's the end of that. Apologies again for rambling on but I just get very passionate about favorite characters of mine and can’t hold back (some might say it’s very on brand for me to do so). I tease about wanting Serval to join the Astral Express so badly, but I truly am happy with the choice she’s made for herself. She’s fantastic and I’m amazed how quickly someone from this game earned a place in my heart. 

HSR really knew the perfect way to capture my attention, honestly, the way they had Serval be a free reward you receive from the start. Of course, I probably would've grown attached to her regardless because right away her character design is simply stunning! She's gorgeous but I also love how asymmetrical her outfit is, with one half is a torn up uniform from her days associated with the Silvermane Guards/the Architects while the other half clearly gives off her rockstar vibes. It captures her past and future wonderfully.

Then finally getting properly introduced to her during the first trailblazing mission where we learn bits and pieces of her past due to her rather complicated and unfortunate relationship with Cocolia was great, even though it tugged on some heart strings. It really set up just how how involved other characters aside from the Express crew are within the story itself, which is yet another thing I sincerely appreciate with HSR; the fact that everyone seems to have some sort of significance and gets the attention they deserve. Getting a deeper look into all the playable character's personal stories through these missions is such a nice touch and so impressive with how many there are so far. At this moment in time, I've done a handful of other companion quests for other characters, but only a few really managed to leave an impact on me, such as Natasha's, Luka's and Yukong's, but Serval's feelings and struggles during these two missions was beyond anything I could've imagined. It's all the emotion coupled with learning what makes a character who they are now and how they manage to live their lives dealing with their past that's really memorable to me and Serval's had that in spades. Who knew a simple request to meet up for some afternoon tea would lead me down an emotional investing road to find my favorite character?

#honkai star rail #serval landau #gepard landau #rnsposts #gameplay

[unnamedelement]

Rings of Power ‘Review,’ featuring wood-elves and gender

I’m writing this for two reasons. Firstly, processing things in writing sometimes lets me stop obsessively thinking about them and actually get on with my life, which has been a major issue for me this past week. Second, people keep asking me what I think of the show and who I think The Stranger is (which I won’t actually be talking about here, but short answer is one of the Istari, probably Gandalf, which doesn’t make canonical/historical sense but does make narrative sense, though the Blue Wizards make historical/timeline sense, based on drafts/notes – phew!). Anyway, it is exhausting and anxiety-provoking to give the same thoughts to people across different parts of my life repeatedly, so I am putting it all in one place, though I would not count on this every week. So. Transitioning to the essay, which will be heavily footnoted, just like the Professor himself. I am not sorry. 

Thoughts on Rings of Power: Episodes 1 and 2

Rings of Power (RoP) has proved to be a different story than most of us could have guessed, given the scant scaffolding provided on the First and Second Ages in the The Hobbit (TH), The Lord of the Rings (LotR), and the LotR Appendices, those sources show-creators actually have access to directly use. (Admittedly, info on the Second Age anywhere is sparse, per not only Tolkien’s own admission in Letters but fans’ own scouring of the texts and drafts for scraps of lore.) In this post, I want to talk about some of the things I loved and did not love about the first two episodes of this particular adaptation. I will try not to get super into the weeds with lore here, because most people who follow me in these spaces already understand how this adaptation changed major plot, character history, and historical points. Instead, I want to talk about (a) my personal experiences with RoP, including (i) pre-watching anxieties and beliefs and (ii) watching- and fandom-related joys; and (b) my ongoing and developing thoughts about (i) Silvan and Nandorin representation in the context of intra-elven relations in the larger legendarium and (ii) concepts of gender reflected in RoP design choices.

Personal Experience

First, I want to talk about how I prepared for this adaptation, which is that I acknowledged it, ignored it, and then went feral with excitement (and debilitating anxiety) about it, all within the course of a one-year period. Anyone who knows me in fandom probably knows that–when I have enough energy to consistently engage–I try very hard to make the Tolkien world a welcoming place for people. As someone who was a child/teen in online Tolkien fandom as Peter Jackson’s adaptations were coming out (yes, I discovered fanfiction perhaps way too early), I was quite traumatized by some older, lore-heavy fans who vehemently corrected–and sometimes even subtly mocked–me as I was working my way through the appendices, the Silmarillion, and Unfinished Tales. I am therefore very passionate about civility (within reason–I draw the line at supremacist nonsense) in fandom spaces. Ultimately, I never want rejection or belittling–subtle or outright–to be how people experience Tolkien fandom, or even scholarship: gatekeeping helps no one. (Insert boost for the new blog @tolkienfandomagainstgatekeeping!).

Still, while I did preach kindness and encouraged welcoming behavior in the year preceding the release, I nevertheless experienced a lot of change-related anxiety as a neurodivergent person preparing for the potential fandom-related change bound to happen in online Tolkien communities as we processed the new show; dealt with some people’s real (and, admittedly, sometimes scary) rage regarding–and therefore their disingenuous attempts to derail the success of the show due to–race and white supremacy; and, finally, prepared for the influx of fans to the open system of online fandom. I had to take a break from actively engaging with fandom because I could not handle the constant RoP-related emotional stimulus from all sides. However, when I saw the final RoP trailer, their sweeping vision of Middle-earth blew me away–my anxiety morphed into excitement by the end of those three minutes. I did not sleep the night before it came out, and I had to take off work the days after to emotionally recover from it.[1] (I unfortunately do not make the rules for how, when, and why my brain is overstimulated.)

Appreciated Moments

At this point, I will transition to a few things that I absolutely loved. This section is less critical and lore-heavy than the following ones, but we will start with a pseudo-lore moment I loved: the symbolism of the opening scene with Galadriel and the other children. While the show cannot talk about the Kinslayings–which is hugely problematic to me from an elven relations and politics perspective (more on that later)–this scene is very clearly an allusion to the Kinslaying at Alqualondë and the burning of the Telerin swan boats.[2] Whether these children who are harassing Galadriel are actually her Feanorian cousins or not, we cannot guess for certain, as we don’t have a clear birthdate for most of the younger Finweans.[3] (Further, if we think about it too hard, things get complicated and confusing very quickly.)[4] Still, it was a nice little homage to the parts of history the show is not allowed to talk about–I teared up due to the beauty of the setting combined with the lore it evoked, which is a very near and dear part of the legendarium to me. That being said, I think that opening scene made some of the lore choices that followed hurt all the more for those of us who did immediately understand the reference, as it alluded to an imminent complexity and nuance that, for me, the show ultimately did not–and, frankly, cannot–deliver. Still, I liked it. Mostly.

Next, I appreciated moments of the dwarven representation, and every single moment of the dwarven design. Having been introduced to LotR prior to Peter Jackson’s (PJ’s) adaptation, I latched onto a few characters at a young age and, for me–for some reason–that was Legolas and Gimli. Gimli in the books is rational yet passionate but, more than anything, he is silvertongued and poetic. As much as I love John Rhys-Davies’ performance in the PJ films, the writers made some mistakes in their choices regarding his role as, almost entirely, comic relief. The representation in the dwarves of Khazad-dum/Moria in this adaptation goes some way in repairing the lasting image of dwarves that took hold in fan communities following the PJ films. I found the opening scene–in which the dwarves challenged Elrond to a…show of strength?–a little hard to follow and a bit strange and othering given the show is told almost entirely from an elven point of view thus far, but I was overall pleased. I found Durin III and Disa likable, and the scene at the kitchen table went a long way to endearing Elrond’s character in this adaptation to me, while cementing Disa as an excellent original character in her own right. Overall, the design team blew me away with their conception of Khazad-dum. The ferns hanging off the side of the cliff inside the entrance illogically moved me to tears, and the dwarven ingenuity represented by the pulley-based elevator system felt very true to how I have always imagined dwarves. My only hope is that Celebrimbor and Narvi have some screentime. Elrond can't have everything.

Finally, like almost everyone, I enjoyed the Harfoots. [5] While I have heard a lot of commentary about how “hobbits weren’t supposed to be involved in the major events of the Second Age!!”, I also think it’s worth reminding the world that (a) hobbit-like folk were living in the Vales of Anduin by the Third Age, and it would be absolutely bonkers to think they never interacted with or minorly influenced characters who do have a “documented” role if they had been out and about earlier; (b) almost everything Tolkien wrote about history is written “within” his Secondary World, i.e., by one of the characters he imagined kept historical records and, thus, there is likely inherent narrative bias to what we do “know” about the Second Age; and (c) wood-elves were mostly only mentioned in the context of the Second Age in relation to Sindarin and Noldorin migration and expansion, but no one is complaining about Arondir. (Okay, they are, but they’re complaining about him for racist reasons, not simply because wood-elves exist in this telling.)

Oh, and the music! I am not the right person to talk about the music, but that–combined with the gorgeous design and setting–will keep me coming back for the rest of the season, regardless of what happens.

Nandorin-Silvan Elves, Intra-elven Relations, and the Related Significance of Omitted Elven History

Now, on to the critique. Let me start by saying: this section is heavily influenced by the utter bewilderment I have felt over the past year trying to understand how a show can be set in the Second Age without rights to most of the material of the First. What is the point in making a show when you cannot actually adapt the material realistically? While that is not the point of this section, it is hard for me to disentangle, so it feels only right to mention it.

Since I started writing this review, I came across @itariilles own excellent review on elves in the first two episodes of RoP. I recommend reading her piece as I will not be rehashing the points she made here regarding Galadriel’s character and motivation(s) or the complexity of casting an actor of color as a Silvan elf, with particular attention to her sections “Galadriel’s Motivations” and “Fantasy Racism Against Elves.” To understand more where some of the frustrations expressed by Itariiles, myself, and many other fans come from, I would further, and selfishly perhaps, recommend reading the section Consequences of Resettlement: The “Sindarizing” of the “Wild,” “Lesser” Elves by the Sindarin Princes and Noldorin Exiles of Beleriand in my linked paper here. Because I cannot write this section without at least mentioning elven ethnicity and lore, I do suggest refreshing your brain if you are not familiar with elven cultural groups across the Ages; and then proceed while keeping in mind the following: “Within Tolkien’s elven worlds, these [elven] hierarchies are governed by (a) proximity to Aman and the Valar and, within Middle-earth, (b) proximity to the Noldor, with the Nandor and then the Avari being most distant. Characteristic phrases used to describe the Silvan and Avari are ‘lesser Elves,’ ‘lesser Silvan race,’ ‘wild,’ ‘savage,’ ‘rude and rustic,’ and ‘more dangerous, less wise’” (...me, 2021). [6]

Itariiiles’ does an excellent job outlining why it is odd Silvan elves would be reporting to the High King Gil-galad at this point in Second Age history. She additionally reviews the complexity of the showrunners placing the Tirharad (the human people we see in the Southlands parts of the episode) under Elven dominion. She notes, “A line said by a Silvan soldier reasoning their station over the men of Tirharad as ‘descendants of those who served Morgoth' is uncomfortable as it plays into the established trope of South/Eastern men being inherently evil which links into Orientalist ideas of the East being perceived as fundamentally Other.” This is something I want to take a step further. In this adapted world in which, presumably, Silvan elves answer to the “higher” Noldor, what does it mean that the Silvan folk are being used to carry out what essentially amounts to Noldorin occupation of Mannish lands?

I have a few issues with this, and it has taken me a while to really pinpoint why, and I’m still not quite there on expressing it and do not expect to be until I have more data from the show.  Still, the first thing that bothers me about this setup is that–in this adapted universe–the Silvans reporting to the High Noldor creates unique issues across multiple contexts:

If we are fans of the traditional legendarium, this choice in the adaptation puts the Silvan in an even more more subservient context that Tolkien’s explicit and implicit language originally placed them (which is highly impressive); and

It tells us that within the adapted universe, the Noldor use another ethnic group–one traditionally ranked less highly–to carry out suppression and oversight of a third ethnic group.

This approach has not been uncommon in colonial and neocolonial history and, certainly, utilizing another group of people to establish and maintain strategic governmental and military control is part and parcel of imperialism. While all elves–in the ethnic hierarchy of Middle-earth–may be ranked higher than Men (due to being valued as firstborn by Illuvatar) and, thus, this oppression is not exactly lateral, it is still using one group of people to manage another, while the person in charge essentially handles war, decisions, and paperwork elsewhere.

Of course, all of this whining and speculating could be blown out of the water by something I could never have expected in this RoP universe as the episodes progress–in that they go “on record” changing the history of these ethnic and racial groups, or they reveal that the Noldor are already integrated with the Silvan at this point–but my hopes are not high. Itariiiles’ point–one also made by a speaker on the RoP reaction panel at Oxonmoot, as well (@fernstrike​)–still is not insignificant: What does it mean that the only actor of color cast as an elf thus far is a Silvan reporting to the Noldor, while all the Noldor we have seen–in the first two episodes, at least–are white? We cannot escape the potential impact, as choices in the Secondary World/in-universe are inherently consumed by those of us in this Primary World we share.

My next issue with the flattening of elven history and culture centers on the Sindar, part of the Teleri group to which the Silvan also belong. As @skyeventide asked in her reaction thread (featuring my highly articulate response):

So then: where are the Sindar at this time? And the “Sindarin Princes of the Silvan Elves”? Given the fact that Durin III is alive and Eregion and Celebrimbor aren’t wasted or strung up, respectively, we can guess a timeframe of a few hundred years for the show, during which the Sindar are certainly out and about, depending on the draft/source (Celeborn in Lindon, Oropher & co. already settling with the Silvan across the mountains). And it is not as if the Sindar are forbidden by copyright to be discussed: Though Doriath is destroyed by the Second Age, it and Thingol are still discussed in the LotR appendices; there is a paragraph exclusively dedicated to how the Sindar migrated and integrated with Silvans in the woods during the time Gil-galad is High King [7]; and Nimrodel’s story and associated Sindarin and Noldorin woes are mentioned in LotR. Certainly it is not unreasonable that this is a storyline that will emerge throughout the season (or the next four, which could ostensibly cover thousands of years), but considering the placement of Silvans beneath Gil-galad at this time, I am wary. Should Thranduil emerge (as Oropher is not mentioned in LotR or the Appendices)–or Amroth or Celeborn (who all also have messy histories across various versions and drafts)–what shall happen? Will the Sindar be placed under the High King’s jurisdiction? Will the Silvans who are not already, apparently, ruled by Gil-galad be lumped in with them, under the High elves, as well?[8]

I can only hope there will be some thoughtful delineation of groups and meaningful and realistic group dynamics based on Elven history and–gasp–even informed by modern political science, social psychology, sociology, or migration studies. Even if the “why” is not immediately apparent in the show, interested viewers can easily look up the backstory and, thus, the show avoids unintentionally rewriting cultural histories (which, real history or not, is tiresome), a constant risk in stories with colonial and neocolonial settings/actors. Ultimately, my biggest concern as a person who thinks way too much about Elven ethnic hierarchy and social stratification is that instead of using the actual history of elven migration, conflict, and the long-lasting effects of the Kinslayings to explain the creation of differing elven realms, the very same effect will be attempted in another manner, i.e., by pinning a split from the Noldor as a personal flaw or choice of some yet unknown Telerin leader, or by having Silvans rebel against Gil-galad’s leadership and thereafter align themselves with certain Noldorin-type leaders (e.g., Galadriel and Celeborn) or Sindarin leaders with skeptical attitudes toward all things High Elven (e.g., Oropher Thranduil).[9] I can see these approaches making narrative sense based on some things that have already been set up in the first two episodes. However, I am still giving myself permission to be skeptical about it and to also just… not particularly like it.

Now, of course, all of this relates to that omitted Elven history, one genre of omission more glaring than all the rest: the flight of the Noldor, the Oath of Fëanor, and the three Kinslayings that followed. The inability of showrunners to incorporate, or even really reference, these events surrounding the Silmarils is disappointing. War is complicated and, to most sides, generally unjust for one reason or another, which is certainly something viewers can relate to. Furthermore, flawed characters are interesting, even if they are flawed because they participated in or failed to actively oppose actions most would now consider unthinkable. Still, the political intrigue and narrative arcs that facilitate this kind of in-universe justification of atrocity in fictional worlds has long been a compelling storyline in myth, religion, and fiction alike. Even Galadriel’s character could be complicated by acknowledging this complex history, or–given copyright limitations–at least creating some alternative scenario that evokes the same historical complexity that the entirety of the First Age embodies, pitting elf against elf against man against elf, all of which barely pales in comparison to The War of Wrath. Galadriel’s behavior in “The Noldor in Beleriand” chapter of the Silmarillion during her conversation with Melian of Doriath (about why the Noldor returned from Aman) lays the groundwork for the type of high political drama this show could evoke, regardless of copyright.[10]

Ultimately, while Tolkien is well-loved by many due to his skill–intentional or not–in creating morally ambiguous characters, perhaps the showrunners are not prepared to address such complexity on screen. As those of us in the Silmarillion fandom know, discussing the human–elf?–rights violations at Alqualondë, Doriath, and Sirion can be tetchy [11], and inviting such tension to a show in the midst of the political uproar surrounding its very existence may have been too much to expect. However, because so much of elven history and hierarchy is situated within splits and migrations directly associated with the story of the Silmarils, it does feel that we are being cheated–especially fans of the Telerin Sindar and Silvan–of the complex story the elves deserve.

This Section Was Supposed to Be: Gender in the Primary and Secondary Worlds of the Original Legendarium and the RoP Adaptation

In this section, I meant to define Primary and Secondary Worlds according to Tolkien’s definitions in “On Fairy Stories,” weave a pretty little tale, and then right-left-punch you with the historical, modern, and in-universe implications of the weird decisions the show made about women.[12] While there is a lot to be said about the racial and ethnic implications of costuming decisions, this post was going to specifically focus on gender, clothing, and gender-related roles in those first two episodes.[13] I was also going to discuss gender-related costuming and cultural-cult-religious implications in some of the other imagery here. (Rest assured, I am certain I am not the first person who did a double-take at that boat scene.) However….  I am tired, I have a project for my research supervisor due tomorrow, and I am not going to let something I love (Tolkien) give me a mental breakdown once again, so I am abandoning that original plan. Instead of a well-crafted section, allow me to ramble at you about gender and, canonically, why I think the elven women in Lindon are ridiculously designed.

Now.

Tolkien and his legendarium were never the height of gender equality and progressivism, but they were also not exactly the worst, if we ignore the fact that he didn’t particularly care for short-haired women wearing pants (Letters) and also that he thought–at least at one point–that elven woman would be pregnant (and thus secluded from larger society??) for 100 years (Nature of Middle-earth, 2021). (Yeah, that’s absolutely bonkers, I know.) However, the text most fans have relied on for years–and which is not directly contradicted in NoME–is “Laws and Customs of the Eldar,” or LaCE in fan parlance.[14] LaCE fairly explicitly describes the similarities and differences between elven men (neri in Quenya) and women (nissi in Quenya), as reported by an unknown Mannish loremaster. Tolkien (said loremaster) writes:

In all such things, not concerned with the bringing forth of children, the neri and nissi (that is, the men and women) of the Eldar are equal - unless it be in this (as they themselves say) that for the nissi the making of things new is for the most part shown in the forming of their children, so that invention and change is otherwise mostly brought about by the neri. There are, however, no matters which among the Eldar only a ner can think or do, or others with which only a nis is concerned. There are indeed some differences between the natural inclinations of neri and nissi, and other differences that have been established by custom (varying in place and in time, and in the several races of the Eldar). For instance, the arts of healing, and all that touches on the care of the body, are among all the Eldar most practised by the nissi; whereas it was the elven-men who bore arms at need. And the Eldar deemed that the dealing of death, even when lawful or under necessity, diminished the power of healing, and that the virtue of the nissi in this matter was due rather to their abstaining from hunting or war than to any special power that went with their womanhood. Indeed in dire straits or desperate defence, the nissi fought valiantly, and there was less difference in strength and speed between elven-men and elven-women that had not borne child than is seen among mortals. On the other hand many elven-men were great healers and skilled in the lore of living bodies, though such men abstained from hunting, and went not to war until the last need.

As for other matters, we may speak of the customs of the Noldor (of whom most is known in Middle-earth). Among the Noldor it may be seen that the making of bread is done mostly by women; and the making of the lembas is by ancient law reserved to them. Yet the cooking and preparing of other food is generally a task and pleasure of men. The nissi are more often skilled in the tending of fields and gardens, in playing upon instruments of music, and in the spinning, weaving, fashioning, and adornment of all threads and cloths; and in matters of lore they love most the histories of the Eldar and of the houses of the Noldor; and all matters of kinship and descent are held by them in memory. But the neri are more skilled as smiths and wrights, as carvers of wood and stone, and as jewellers. It is they for the most part who compose musics and make the instruments, or devise new ones; they are the chief poets and students of languages and inventors of words. Many of them delight in forestry and in the lore of the wild, seeking the friendship of all things that grow or live there in freedom. But all these things, and other matters of labour and play, or of deeper knowledge concerning being and the life of the World, may at different times be pursued by any among the Noldor, be they neri or nissi.

(Morgoth’s Ring, HoME 10).

So then, why does elven gender in RoP weird me out a little bit, Galadriel–and her complicated characterization–notwithstanding? (And, yes, it was necessary to include the full quote to only point out how much more ridiculous what follows is.)

This:

Why are all the attendants female? And why are they all dressed like this in the background? Where are the rest of the women? Are they locked away, pregnant? Did we take NoME that seriously?

Bizarre.

Conclusion

In the big scheme of things, I suppose I was mostly pleasantly surprised. It was entertaining to watch for the scenery, settings, and music; and I was moved to tears by some of the beautiful cinematography–I’ll continue to be giddy about the scenery and design whether I want to be or not. I also think it is very important that BIPOC were included in casting. However, I am not going to hold out on feeling the story of the Second Age was done justice. I will–forever and always–always be hung up on Silvan representation.[15] But, unless something truly egregious happens, for now I am okay with a mediocre and mildly frustrating storyline.

FOOTNOTES

I have still not recovered, so this will be a long 1.5 months.

Not to mention the boats she will one day have in her own realm, in Lothlorien.

As Sky Eventide notes in her reaction thread on Twitter, the scene even includes one red-headed child, which may be harkening to Maedhros, though Amrod or Amras might be more realistic given I would expect Maedhros to be the ringleader of the band, were the red-headed child meant to be him.

See Itariilles’ piece and my own linked paper for more on this. It is confusing to think about in the show context because while Galadriel thinks the kinslaying are unfortunate and does not take an oath like Feanor and colleagues, she doesn’t think her Feanorian cousins are crazy for wanting to return to Middle-earth, though her motivations to return are different (yay colonialism). Again, see links.

Though an Irish Times article provides an interesting critique that, as an American many generations removed from Ireland, I would never have noticed. As someone who often complains about fandom’s jokes about wood-elf and Silvan culture/language as a stand-in for less cultured “hick” accents and cultures, the linked article really moved me and put these European-based English choices into perspective for me. And it also spoke to the odd feeling I got as I noticed that while watching, once again, an adaptation used different accents that are cultural- and class-marked in the ‘real world’ to sort of delineate place in Middle-earth.

And yes, some of this quoted language comes from material the show has explicit access to.

Keep in mind, this is only ONE version of Sindarin migration. Tolkien wrote more on this across his lifetime that is not reflected in the Appendices as published. See my linked paper for more on this.

 Dare I even ask if the show plans to somehow reference a group of elves like the Avari, given the showrunners’ interest in the Southlands thus far? I don’t know if my poor heart could handle the stress…

 Which conveniently echoes Oropher’s choice during part of the Last Alliance that left his people wildly diminished…

A political intrigue which we have seen snippets of, perhaps, with Elrond’s character–it’s just not a tension and positioning I can, yet, easily follow. I don’t ‘get’ this world well enough yet to do so.

I, too, have been guilty of this, as someone who spends way too much time thinking about the Sindar. While I am still very much opposed to atrocity crimes in our real world–obviously, it’s literally my job–I have come to see the issues of the Silmarils as more complex than I once did, taking into account cultural and political motivations for character behavior. (Though that has not stopped me from writing Sindarin accounts of the Kinslaying at Sirion to balance things out, “victors write history” and all that.) I have some patient acquaintances to thank for helping me develop a more complex view on Feanorian behavior in the First Age.

Do not judge me. I know nothing about boxing terms and I made that up.

Again, please read Itariiles’ piece (specifically the section “Neoclassical Aesthetic Given to the Noldor and its Unfortunate Implications”).

And, if you want to get really particular, one of the two drafts of LaCE is titled: “OF THE LAWS AND CUSTOMS AMONG THE ELDAR PERTAINING TO MARRIAGE AND OTHER MATTERS RELATED THERETO: TOGETHER WITH THE STATUTE OF FINWE AND MIRIEL AND THE DEBATE OF THE VALAR AT ITS MAKING”...

And yes. I have lived through PJ’s TH. I will survive it again.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to my acquaintances from the Silmarillion Writers’ Guild/Dreamwidth for encouraging me to finish writing this after I became discouraged. And thanks to my new acquaintances at Alliance of Arda for being interested in what I have to say. I would have just stewed in my anxiety without outside prompting to write this silly little thing that I actually really wanted to write.

#rings of power #long post #tolkien #lord of the rings #silmarillion #commentary and analysis

[hacked-by-jake]

hey! don't you think jake might be a red flag? he is manipulating mc + didn't he confess his love to mc too soon? i mean, yeah, he was in danger, but still. didn't he and mc fall in love too quickly with each other?

when i first played duskwood, for some reason this reminded me of those creeps in discord who propose to you when you had only been texting for a week LMAO

(anyway, i still love jake, but i don't wear my pink glasses anymore)

Hey Ho, Anon. And first of all: Thank you a lot for asking! :D

A short preface, I took this as always very seriously and tried to talk absolutely nothing nice. I also related this a little bit to real life and I also incorporated some of my own experiences. I don’t want to attack or anything like that, but I haven’t romanticised things like jealousy here. Please don’t feel offended or blame yourself or anything.

And now: Welcome to "the destruction of Jake"

Okay, that’s a little too much. Let's just start. xD

Are you asking me if the manipulative government wanted hacker we know absolutely nothing about is a red flag??

I would say no. xD

He is not only a red flag, he is a red neon sign that says "DANGER" 😂

Okay, joke aside.

Yes, I definitely think that Jake is a red flag to some extent, but only to some extent. We have to, of course, think about the strange situation we are in.

First of all, on the subject of manipulation: Yes, Jake is very manipulative, in some cases it’s absolutely not cool. However, if we consider that he is trying to save his sister’s life then I can understand that to a certain point.

But it gets bad when Jake tries to use our feelings for him even though we are worried that something could happen to the others in the group. He keeps asking us if we want to keep going, but I’m sure if we say no, that we want to stop, then he wouldn’t accept it. I think it sounds like he wants to put us in a strange situation and always wants to make us say yes, even though we might not want to continue.

Confrontation is difficult for many people and in order to avoid unpleasant moments, the answer is often chosen in which you know that it is the answer that the person who asked the question wants to hear. Unfortunately, this is also a little manipulative.

I also like to mention that we, MC, also manipulated Jake quite often and used his feelings. Maybe not on issues like his, but we did.

And Jake’s hands are tied, and he can’t do as much to help Hannah as he would like. Because he is wanted, etc., it is simply not possible for him, so it is all the more important for him that MC stays. And I think as long as he doesn’t threaten us or really forces us to keep working on the case, it’s still okay and understandable.

Then there is this situation here, when it comes to checking Hannah’s phone in episode 9.

I even made a post about this part and said "this is probably one of the healthiest answers I’ve read" maybe the words are not quite right but the context is the same.

So yes, I think at the moment all this is still on a scale between Red flag and the guy is healthy.

I often have those moments in the game where I think "Oh, dangerous statement, red flag!!" I pay attention to this and have already posted a few times about it.

So, let’s get to the topic with 'this all goes too fast'

Yes, it goes, absolutely, at least in my eyes. But I think here we have to leave the game and talk about reality, because it is unfortunately just a game with 'only' 10 episodes. Playing Duskwood now takes several days. But it’s not a game that lasts a whole week or maybe even two or more until you reach the end. So we have to keep in mind that there is simply not enough time to build a complete and very slowly growing relationship.

So, back to the game or back into the game, haha.

I think what’s also a point is Jake’s situation and how long he’s been all alone and has no one. And suddenly MC comes into his life under these strange conditions. But we trust him immediately (a little naive of course) but we have no other choice. Although we always have the opportunity to say a few critical things about Jake, but we do not condemn him for his mysterious appearance and this thing with "my identity doesn’t matter". We work with him and we don’t ask questions, at least almost none, and if he doesn’t want to say anything, we accept that. In short, we treat him like a human being.

And I think this is also a big point that might make Jake build up feelings faster because we’re probably the only person in his life, and that after several years, who are also a little interested in him as a human being and not just for the hacker. So I can imagine that there is a certain dependency between MC and Jake. Because, as Jake says, we finally give him hope, and I don’t think he wants to lose that hope again. And I think that’s also a reason why it’s going very fast, because he might be clinging to that little spark of hope, MC. And this can of course trigger a kind of fascination that can lead to a quick building of romantic feelings.

Well, and if it goes so fast but MC feels the same, why deny? Then we can also tell the truth when he is ready to take the first step.

In addition, of course, comes the general terrible situation in which Jake and MC are.

The darkness that surrounds them, the fear, the danger, the uncertainty, it’s just a sad situation that is overwhelming. And I think they both cling to the spark of light they see, so to each other. The more-personal conversations or small jokes etc, which distract a moment from everything terrible and help the two also breathe a little. And since it happens to each other, I think that an emotional level is automatically built up because the brain remembers "This person distracts me a bit from the bad and helps me" and that demands the brain again and again. And so it happens.

Of course, what is also a huge red flag is his jealousy. And yes, that’s a red flag and in reality there’s nothing sweet about it. I don’t want to attack anyone or anything, but jealousy is not normal and shouldn’t be. I mean, Jake wants us to promise him that we’re not going to Duskwood. The main reason is probably the danger, but it comes right after the conversation about Phil.

And that’s very strange, I mean, it’s no secret that Jake is absolutely not a Phil fan. And yes, I’m also a little fan of Jake’s jealousy but also because my own self-esteem is not so stable and so, it feels special. I only accept this situation because it’s a game. If all this were reality, I’d tell the guy to find a therapist and then we can talk again. Sorry not sorry. xD To bring in a bit of my own experience, which I gathered from 5 years of toxic (from both sides, him and me myself) relationship: I know that jealousy can be sweet and it feels special or something, but in real life it should not be so. Jealousy shouldn’t be an issue. And if your partner may not be jealous, then that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, but that he may just have a strong self-esteem, which is a really nice and good thing. Because very few people still have that today. I myself am unfortunately also insanely jealous what has to do with my mental health, but I know and have learned that as I am in a relationship, if I would want to have a relationship at all, then I would not enter into a relationship as I am at the moment because I could not guarantee a healthy relationship. So I let it be from the beginning (I’m trying to do at least a little moral work xD) He’s already starting to make us promise that we’re not going to Duskwood, and that’s critical, more than critical. That screams "Don't look back, run away!"

Although Jake later says that he has no problem with MC and Phil having contact, he just has to get used to it. But oh, that’s almost a bigger problem. Because sorry not sorry, you have to get used to it otherwise you see me waving goodbye my friend. We barely know each other, you have absolutely no right to tell me if I can have contact with Phil or not. And his "It doesn’t bother me" is almost again a bit manipulative because it clearly bothers him. Sure, he has to get used to it, ok, and hopefully he does, but this statement alone is very difficult. Actually it is already critical that he says it at all because he actually has no right to it. That counts for a game as well as for real life, please don’t think jealousy is normal.

Even if it can feel good, it also shows problems on both sides. I learned this painfully and have been very critical since then. Please don’t take my moral speech badly, as I said, I don’t want to attack anyone or anything, but it’s important to mention that, and not just romanticize it.

And I mean, of course, his jealousy is a little understandable. He knows how difficult a relationship with him would be and that it would not be a normal relationship. He knows that we would have a much more normal relationship with Phil. Phil, a bar owner in a small town. Jake is a government wanted hacker, somewhere in the world, always in different places. If we looked at everything superficially, Phil would be the smarter choice, but that’s not how it works at best. Jake’s jealousy has reasons I can understand, but he has to work on it.

So, let’s get to the last point: His really fast and unexpected "I love you" at the end.

Yes, it comes really very quickly, and absolutely unexpected, but I actually think that we have to pay attention to his situation here again. Jake probably wouldn’t have said it so quickly if it hadn’t been so uncertain if he’d ever see us again. Suddenly his pursuers were closer than ever. They were standing right above him while he was trapped in the mine where he was just to save his sister. He doesn’t know what will happen to him if the FBI catches him, if he ever sees daylight again or what they do to him. And I think at that moment he just didn’t want to leave his feelings unsaid. I think he just wanted to say that in case he never had the chance to do it again. And I think if the situation had been different, he wouldn’t have said it, it was the stress, the fear and the uncertainty. And the need to leave nothing unsaid.

And we also have to note that Jake’s social skills are not quite developed at the moment and he sometimes doesn’t know exactly how to behave. And we can also see how much he feels insecure because of it. I think Jake has little experience in relationships etc. and will have to learn a lot. So to speak, he is still a child who has to grow up to understand how it works. But I think Jake will make it with MC by his side and hopefully with Hannah and Lilly. And maybe even the group. :D

So I think, until now, everything is still based on a rather brittle ice surface. Everything is rather superficial and yet very strong. But it can quickly break. How it will be, and whether Jake really is such a red flag, will only be shown when the two can break out of the cycle of criminal cases and can only focus on their personal relationship with each other. If and if it really works will only then show. But I firmly believe that it works and that the behavior of Jake will change. Because in general I see my Jake as a very healthy Jake. In my head canon, Jake is a bigger feminist than I am, and I am. xD (Btw I already started writing a headcanon about it some time ago, Healthy Jake, I hope I will finish it soon) Because for me there is only one Jake who definitely takes healthy moves, otherwise I would not care about the character pretty quickly.

I see it like you, Anon, I love Jake, but I don’t wear pink glasses. :')

Ok, have a great day/evening/night! Take care of yourself and stay healthy!💚 Be careful with government wanted hackers. 😅

#duskwood anon ask #duskwood thoughts #duskwood hacker #duskwood #everbyte studio #duskwood game #duskwood jake #duskwood everbyte #everbyte duskwood #duskwood mc #iamjake #duskwood jake x mc #everbyte game #hbj dw answers

[tenrulle]

Slay The Princess in Death Battle (well, kinda)

Some people here may be familiar with Death Battle - animational show where authors make 2 characters from different shows/games/comisc/etc fight to the death, explaining their abilities and characters/backgroung before and the reason for one of the opponents to win after. It's 10th season has ended literally yesterday, it's a greath show if you like this kind of stuff.

So, some time after playing Slay The Princess (and being obsessed with it since) I got back into the DB, and it' all kinda mixed together, and I came up with an idea for a matchup that I now simply can't forget - Hatou Manabu from Qualia the Purple vs Princess from, well, Slay the Princess. It's just so perfect! I even wrote down the reason why:

Connections:

both are girls with powers based on perception and alternative possibilities, archiving some sort of truth at the end

both changes their forms to those from other worlds

both in their base forms are not very high-scale

both on their peak are abstract multiversal beings existing in every moment and place

both have endings where they abandon their multiversal selfies and become mortals to be with their loved ones

both have love as one of their main motivations, ready to hurt the object of their love for the greater good for them

both have death as a major theme of their narratives

Differences:

Hatou changes her forms on choice, while Princess changes based on how others see her

Hatou wants to prevent death, while Princess IS death itself

Hatou is a human who achieved godhood, Princess is god sealed in human form

But I know that those two works of fiction are two niche and they would never get an episode. And so, I remembered a simple principe - "if you want it done right you should just do it yourself".

So now I'm making my own episode. Khem-

And with all titanic depth of my feelings toward Slay The Princess, I shall make this happend, and shall this episode be the best it could, no matter how many time, work and blood it will take, so that I may express my love for our beloved!

Khem.

So, anyway. Here's the progress for a first week of development:

- I found a person to be a second writer (and potentially second host). By this time we got somewhat of a main idea for how the battle would go, and I've even pitched some ideas for specific scenes.

- After getting some experience with organization of an art-collab I'm hosting at the moment (more like I got hit in a face by reality, but whatever) I decided to take more time in organizing things and making storyboards. It would hopefully make the result less messy, but would take more time because of other stuff I need and want to do.

- On note of music, I have a good friend who could write it, although he could be busy. So there are a few ways: we can use some free music, we can hope that my friend could write music for us, or I could speedrun music theory myself.

Think I will post updates onces in a week or two

Oh, and as bonus - a little sneak peek into some storyboard.

Thanks for reading.

Update: right in a day I was writing this text I foudn out about DLC... it seems curse of Death Battle* has it ways even with fan works * meme in the community, appeared because of how many times after announcement/release of a new episode one of the combatants/series featured in it would get an announcement of new content that could change the results

#slay the princess #death battle #text post #announcement #animation process #animation project

[splintered-emotions]

Can I get “that dance, that they did today? it kinda reminded me of when we…” with a pairing of you choice 🥺?

Also makes sure to eat and drink water 🔫

okay so this ended up being a tasm!peter parker x gn!reader fic because i had an Idea so here. also it's kinda implied desi!reader, but it can really be read any way.

also you better do the same 🔫

the link to the dance which i mention is here

Finals were over. My bed was calling my name as I walked back from the horrid chem exam that had caused far too many all-nighteres in an attempt to memorize all of the ions and their charges as well as the formulas that we had learnt only a couple weeks ago.

But now, I could sleep for as long as I wanted until I had to start packing everything. Which was not until tomorrow because the dorms were supposed to be cleared out by next Friday. That left at least 18 hours that I could use to conk out if I wanted to wake up by about 9am tomorrow.

Unfortunately, or perhaps very fortunately, my plan was thrown away as soon as I saw Peter sitting on the stairs in front of the building, playing on his phone. “Did your ethics final finish up early? I thought you were supposed to be out by 4 at the earliest.”

“Kenobi cancelled it. Something about his nephew getting sick.”

“Well that leaves plenty of time for our must watch movie marathon we had planned a couple weeks ago.”

“Wasn’t that supposed to be during packing? So then if it gets far too cheesy, we could distract ourselves with loading up some of the boxes?”

“Yes, but I found out one of the ones I used to watch with my friends recently came back onto Netflix. And because I couldn’t find it literally anywhere else without having to pay an extravagant amount of money for one movie, we’re going to enjoy the experience of this movie without the need for literally anything else. Other than snacks.”

“Of course we would have snacks. Why was that ever in question?”

“With your appetite, it never should be.”

“Hey, you know that’s because of the spider bite.”

“Like you didn’t come over to my house and eat half of my snacks alongside your own when we were in middle school.”

“Well, sixth period P.E. for all three years causes a person to get a bit hungry after school.”

“And that doesn’t explain the time that we went to Build-A-Bear and you told me you wanted to eat a bear.”

“That was something I told you in confidence and something that I didn’t expect you to almost yell in front of your dorm.”

“Everyone deserves to know that you looked at a Gollum plushie and went, ‘That looks like it would be a good snack.’” “Were you like this before your chem final?” he asked. “Because I could have sworn the person I fell asleep next to was not out to kill me.”

“I was a different person then,” I stated while leading him into the building. “I cannot be expected to treat someone who decided to sit out here in 90 degree heat for 3 hours while I took my final nicely.”

He gasped dramatically, playing it up despite the fact that some of my neighbors were coming out to see what havoc we were causing today. “I have helped you study for countless tests and quizzes and even stayed up with you until 4am last night and this is how I am thanked? I shudder to call myself your boyfriend with such poor treatment.”

The Bridgerton marathon shortly before finals kicked into full swing seemed to have done something to him. But honestly, as long as we didn’t get another complaint regarding our arguments prior to the time that we made it upstairs, it would be fine. “And what do you say to the hours that I spent reviewing vocabulary with you for a final you didn’t even take?”

“I thought I had the final until I went to Kenobi’s room and saw the note posted on his door. And when I went to text you, I saw that your final had already started and decided against trying to distract you.”

“Well you should have distracted me anyways. Why wouldn’t I have wanted a text from you? After all, it wasn’t like that final was particularly important, I would have passed the class either way. Plus, you’re far more important than some stupid chem final that is only vaguely relevant to my degree.”

“I’m sure Windu would agree with that assessment.”

“Windu has a stick up his ass. Which I can finally say in front of other people because I’m finally out of that fucking class.” It still hadn’t entirely hit me that the school year was finally over, but the fact that I could hang out with Peter without needing to study or work on a project was beginning to cement it.

“True. I’m not looking forward to when I have to take him next year for organic.” He took a second before continuing, “Are we ever going to unlock your door or are you planning on watching it out here?”

“Right, that. I barely even noticed that we were here.” Which was surprising, however, this could easily be blamed on the sleep deprivation and the Peter’s distracting presence.

“You sure you good, sweetheart? You’ve never been that out of it while we were coming up.” He looked worried, but nothing I said would get that concern off his face until the evening was over and we were in bed.

“I’m just distracted because of this thrilling conversation.” I opened the door as I tried to laugh at my own terrible joke in an effort to lessen his worries. “But really, it’s just Windu’s final. That was somehow 1000 times worse than his tests.”

He didn’t look convinced, but, at this point, I’d just take him not worrying over me the entire night and instead enjoying this horribly cheesy movie. DDLJ was always a trip to watch for the first time.

And thankfully, I would get to see his reaction while the two of us staved off sleep in order to see the conclusion of Raj and Simran’s romance. This 3 hour movie was not going to be easy to stay awake through, but his reaction to some of their hijinks would make the lessened sleep worth it.

The living room, if you could even call it that, was cluttered with index cards, notebooks, and textbooks from the previous night’s preparations. There were a couple of boxes in a corner, likely the result of my roommate starting to pack up all of their stuff. They weren’t home based on the lack of rock music echoing throughout the dorm, which meant that we were free to begin this movie as soon as I found it and Peter finished microwaving some popcorn.

After a couple of tries, I eventually reached the conclusion that the movie wasn’t on Netflix. “We have to find something else to watch because I was lied to.”

“I mean the whole point was supposed to be watching a cheesy movie,” he stated as he brought over a massive bowl of popcorn as well as two glasses of water. “So can you think of another one that would be good for the mush that is our brains?”

“I meant there were these Hindi dance movies that I saw pop up a few weeks ago. One of those would be just entertaining enough to get us through tonight.”

“Is that your way of saying that you find me, your beloved partner that you share everything with, boring?” At the end of his statement, his eyebrow arched so high that it almost looked like a bird trying to finally achieve liftoff from his face.

Barely stifling my laughter at the sight in front of me, I replied, “Perhaps.”

The gasp that he let out at that was enough to finally break me. I was bent over laughing as he also broke character and began cackling with me.

As I tried to catch my breath, I wheezed out, “I love you slightly more than I love watching movies.”

“So do I.” And this little confession, something that had been restated in different words over and over again, both took my breath away and soothed the remaining stress from the final. The slow burning flame that rested within my very soul felt warmer for a second.

Disregarding any romantic ideas that may occur due to the sincerity and feelings buried in our words to each other, I instead said, “Well then, I suppose we need to find one of the movies. Because I want to inflict the wonders that is an ABCD movie on you, the uninitiated.”

Street Dancer was the first one that appeared when we typed in “Hindi movie” so it was to be the entertainment for the afternoon.

It went by surprisingly quickly despite the distinct lack of a clear plot outside the dance competition, which was apparently similar to the rest of the movies according to Wikipedia.

“So, what’d you think?”

“That dance that they did kinda reminded me of when we were forced to square dance in middle school.”

“It did what? How was that even close to the weird “promenading that we had to do?”

“It’s the same amount of preplanning and hoping that you don’t screw up that we had.”

“First of all, Accurso was not planning anything. That man just said words. And second, we wouldn’t get dangerously injured if we screwed up, just mocked a bit.”

“True, but doesn’t it still kinda feel like that? The constant anticipation of new cues and the jumpiness of not wanting to fail?”

The more he described it, the more that feeling seemed to resonate throughout a lot of the sequences. “Yeah, I can see that for basically all of them except for Prabhu Deva’s big solo dance in the beginning.”

“But there were some parts where he was dancing with others that definitely were cue based.”

“I mean what wouldn’t be when there’s people who are expected to move that fast without hitting the other person.” That’s when an idea sparked into my brain. “You should do it.”

“Do what?” Peter asked.

“The dance. I kinda wanna see if your spidey senses can help you with the routine.”

“They warn me of danger not fucking up a dance move, babe.”

“That’s what you think, but have you ever tried it?” This was either going to end in Peter showing off some new dance moves or him falling, and I had no idea which it would be. “If you do it, we can go out for ice cream later and I’ll pay.”

“Deal.” And so the challenge was on. He rewatched the first part of the dance at .25x speed about 4 times before stating, “Okay, I think I’m ready.”

“I’m sure you’ll be great honey.”

He took a deep breath and got about 10 seconds into what looks like an extremely overcomplicated version of the dance before falling flat on his ass. My immediate laughter at the sight leads to him pouting at me, something only just visible over the coffee table.

He was barely able to hold his expression before Peter started laughing with me. “I think this is the end for today. I will be going to bed and never rising again. My ego has been shattered irreparably, and I am afraid I can never face you again.” He arose from his awkward position on the floor and began speedwalking to my room.

“At least wait for me before you go hog all of the blankets,” I half-yell, chasing after him. It’s barely another couple of minutes after we get on the bed that we fall asleep, calm in the realization that finals were over and we could sleep for at least 15 hours before doing anything else.

#tasm!spiderman x reader #tasm!peter parker #tasm!peter parker x reader #marvel #astrid writes #the amazing spiderman #peter parker #peter parker x reader #ask

[mushibashiraas]

🛒 I JUSR REALIZED HOW AWFUL AND ROBOTIC I SOUNDFJDJDJ LIKE. i come back after posting the ruggie fic and redoing my theme only to drop a to do list and dip againdjsjdjs ah. uh.

so life update ig? eh. i can talk more about my chronic migraines too since the life update is mainly about themfjdjdj oops. BUCKLE TF UP BC THIS'LL BE LONG (still dont know how to add the "more under the cut" thing on mobile tumblr. too lazy to get out my laptop)

this whole week has been insane! context: my migraines are triggered by bright light, loud sounds, motion-sickness-games (i.e. genshin, Identity V, etc.), weather pressure changes, rainy days/nights, storms, and dramatic temperature fluctuations..... but mainly the last four.

anyway. this week had the first and the second triggers. (and towards the end of this week is supposed to have the last trigger. yay!) one of the things that happens (IF i push myself to power through and "stay conscious" — more on that in a bit) is that i faint. like. not "faint for a couple minutes." nahhhh! i go out for like 10-40 minutes; normally the max is 20. but occasionally, a 40 minute episode'll occur and those are the scary ones.

on tuesday, i had a doctor appointment with my cardiologist pertaining to said migraines and fainting. while waiting to check in, i passed out and fell (i was standing at the time). and the staff and nurses were worried i hit my head so they called for an ambulance to drive me across the street to the hospital ER. i was there all afternoon and almost all night. i finally went home at 11pm. i'll spare yall of the more personal details (what tests were done, the overall experience, etc). all i'll say is that there's a reason why i hate hospitals and needles.

but the visit was long and tedious and terrifying and painful. i cried several times, as well as fainted a few more times between when i came to just as the paramedics arrived and a little after the technicians performed EKGs, etc. [like they usually do whenever someone is first admitted to the ER]. those fainting episodes were only a few minutes tho. not long at all. don't worry!

*sighs* anyway. that visit defined my entire week tho bc i ended up missing a day of work on thursday and a korean language class on wednesday. still felt the usual symptoms (most likely the aftermath) like dizziness, nausea, a heavy, sluggish feeling, soreness/headaches, loss of eyesight, etc.

hope this explanation helps??? i'll get back to writing and gaming soon. aaaaa i have a guaranteed yelan to get ready for anyway. heehee

EDIT: i forgot to add that yall shouldnt worry too much! sorry if i scared yall! these migraines and fainting episodes aren't manageable yet. even tho i can go to work sometimes, i cant drive, take horseback riding lessons (i used to take them), and go to/continue college,,,, i've had them since 2013?? 2014?? and am on medication for them as well as going to a neurologist and cardiologist who are both monitoring my condition and trying to help me and get them manageable so i can do all the aforementioned things i said i can't do.

also, it's not as uncommon as i seem to make it to be. several celebrities (look up Ben Affleck migraines) have chronic migraines, as well as several families/people/co-workers also have or have dealt with chronic migraines and passing out due to them. my own mom and older brother — altho they aren't biologically related to me — also have bad/chronic migraines. my family actually make jokes about my migraines and say i'm a walking barometer lol if anyone lives in the northeastern U.S. text me and check if a storm is coming. lol i can most likely tell you; if i migraine than yes. if i don't than no. lol /j but all jokes aside,,, again. don't worry too much for me. ok? i'm still functioning even if it's at low-HP/hu tao levels (a little genshin/gamer joke/comparison for yall). i'm still shino/em, someone who is so in love with jamil and xiao and rindou that they'll devote all their time and resources to taking care of them. heehee! ❤️❤️

#shino & 🚑. #REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES PLS! #🥺

[birlwrites]

Perhaps you could ramble to us about the musician au you posted about a week ago? Goodluck with your assignments/projects!!

OKAY SO

for those of you who don't know, i study western classical music, which means sooner or later i come up with music aus for every fandom i write for. (they tend to remain in tumblr text post format though because i already have so many wips afjslghjdkfd)

i also very much love the juxtaposition of multiple *types* of music which was why my mind immediately jumped to sirius dropping out of his uptight classical-music-ONLY conservatory in favor of a rock band

most of the instruments that i've talked about so far in this au are ones i have some degree of personal experience with (except the violin. i don't understand violin and i never will, i've been informed it takes finger strength and my Distinct Lack Of That And Also Unwillingness To Improve It is part of why i never got very good at guitar) - i don't know a ton about vocal technique for tenors and below but it's similar enough to soprano/mezzo technique that i can fake it ajflshgskdjfd

okay now that all that context is out of the way - LET'S DISCUSS THE MARAUDERS AND MY CONTINUING INDECISION ABOUT WHETHER TO PUT REMUS ON DRUMS AND PETER ON BASS OR THE OTHER WAY AROUND

it's entirely possible i will decide over the course of making this post, we'll see. ANYWAY. so i'm already very sure that the two of them will be on drums and bass in some configuration. less flashy instruments that keep the other ones on track, which mirrors their roles in the friend group

benefits of putting remus on drums include: ba dum tss whenever someone makes a shitty joke, cognitive dissonance of *remus* who you'd probably expect to play a more chill instrument sitting down and picking up drumsticks and just going absolutely wild

benefits of putting peter on drums include: the same kind of cognitive dissonance, he's not as talkative as the rest of them onstage so putting him in the back removes some spotlight and the other three focus more on engaging with the audience, could be persuaded to also do the ba dum tss

benefits of putting remus on bass include: moving him downstage where he can interact more with james and sirius, very tall = long fingers = could probably do a bar chord SUPER easily

benefits of putting peter on bass include: wait okay i've decided afslghsdkfjd I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN

okay so i'm going to put peter on drums and remus on bass. both of them are in a position to push the tempo and in general set the pace, peter's in a position where he can hide a little from the audience if he so desires, and we get the cognitive dissonance effect, while downstage, remus hangs back a little from the james-and-sirius banter but jumps in quite frequently with his own sarcastic comments

OKAY THAT'S SORTED. EXCELLENT

lily and sirius suffered through music theory together and are friends for life as a result. she keeps in touch with him and sometimes goes to their shows - the marauders are not super well-known at the moment and they basically just play locally, so this is easy enough

regulus, meanwhile, is in the practice rooms performing feats of insane technical skill with pretty much zero feeling behind them. he's not really sure how he's meant to get *emotion* out of a *piano* so he compensates by working on literally everything else. he'll do all the phrasing correctly but there's still something very blank and rote about it

barty has the opposite problem - his number one worst habit is getting really into whatever he's doing and completely failing to watch the conductor. fortunately he is extremely capable of counting and as a result he gets away with this like 95% of the time (maybe the conductor is professor babbling fjsgkhsdjkfd)

OH MY GOD okay this gives me an idea. if peter's the drummer for the marauders, that naturally opens up the possibility in the plot of him being indisposed for some reason. i don't want him to betray the marauders or anything like that because i don't want to do that to them afjslghdsjf but if regulus and sirius have reconciled and peter happens to get sick or injured, there's a fabulous opportunity for regulus to be like 'hey barty. how quickly could you learn a 15-song setlist' and barty to be like 'regulus what the fuck have you gotten us into. give me a day and a cheat sheet'

i suppose there are non-betrayal reasons that peter might leave the band as well

hmmm now my brain is filling up with ideas about peter's terrible stage fright that he deals with because he wrote a lot of these songs and they need drums and the others really want him to perform with them but he's really *not* getting more comfortable with being onstage and just wants to write songs and work behind the scenes and maybe get into producing, but when he brought up maybe looking for a replacement the others kind of got sad about it and he hasn't really steeled himself to bring it up again and explain that it's not that he doesn't want to be part of the band, it's that he doesn't like performing live

then he comes down with the flu and it's not *bad* but he's in no shape to perform, regulus gets wind of this and is like 'hmmmm'

and barty subs in and it goes fabulously well and peter goes 'PLEASE make this permanent and let me write you songs full time' and the marauders have a looooong conversation about that and then ask barty to perform with them

barty, obviously, being a full-time student at Uptight Conservatory™ and also genuinely enjoying being in the orchestra and not wanting to drop out, will be under some time pressure because of this - peter sends him a lot of recordings for memorization purposes

and now regulus HAS to go to all their gigs MWAHAHAHA

goodness gracious i think this post is long enough jaflhsjkfdf

#should i make an inbox tag #musician au

[btrzznn]

i've been thinking about old friends lately. when is too late to reach back out to them? at what point is it safest to assume they've moved on and probably don't care to read your "hey i miss you" texts, if you even had to courage to send them in the first place? i like to tell myself that it's never too late and a little love is always appreciated, but i've been burned in the past :( anyways, hope you're doing well. we don't talk much anymore,but i think about you all the time still. ily <3

Hey, dear! 🧡How are you doing? I know what you're saying! Most of the times I have no idea of how to answer this. It really depends on the person, I guess... Uhm... Yesterday, I've met one of my best friends and we went to a party and had a sleepover, after not seeing each other for three years! 🧡

It was just like old times and we don't really text everyday or every week. I try to keep her updated about my life and she does the same, but without any pressure to be always chatting. She's almost 32 and I'm turning 30 next November, being an adult makes us not have enough time to be all social and spend as much time catching up as we'd like, but it doesn't mean that our friendship is over or meaningless. I know that she thinks about me now and then and that she's an important part of my life.

Some of my internet friends and I don't talk for days or weeks, but when we do, it's fun and we still care for and help each other. But I also had the experience of not seeing or talking to someone for a long time and then when I did, it went terrible. We didn't know each other anymore, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that former friend not wanting to get to know my new self, my new boundaries, my new tastes and even, my recently discovered sexuality. I don't even need to tell you that she isn't my friend anymore.

I have been very absent from some of my social medias, for highly personal reasons, now I'm trying to get back to them. And just so you know, I still consider you, as an example, a friend and I also think about you and you well being. It won't change just because we don't talk much anymore. You're welcome to come to my DM's and chat whenever you feel like, send asks, send some "I miss you" stuff, whatever you like and I'll always reply and feel very appreciated and loved.

You've always been kind and nice to me and I'm very grateful and I hope you know I value your presence here and I admire you, very much so. I consider a lot of mutuals here as friends still. Sometimes, some of them comment on my pictures or send me stuff and it makes me very happy. I may not talk to some of them, but I see their posts, their pictures etc and I feel proud of their achievements and their success.

PS: You can and should - whenever you want - talk to me on Instagram, but if you prefer, I can give you my Discord/Telegram/Whatsapp accounts. But it's at your own risk, some weeks, I send my friends nothing but emojis and 10 tiktok videos about frogs or some ridiculous joke or a dog being silly and saying "reminds me of you".🧡

#grace-the-writing-ace #ily friend #friendships #advices #answered

[dianalolihikki]

Hey!💜

I was right! (Or rather, I concluded correctly)

Tomorrow I will meet K for the first time in my life.

When I heard about this from my mom an hour ago it caused my inner objection.

On the one hand, after all, I asked about this progress on the paperwork , and on the other hand I feel that I do not want to see him, that I do not want a new person in my life,I do not want a new physical therapist.

Or maybe it's because by the lack of contact from his side today all day I was sure that we will start only from Monday?

My first visit with K is to be spent on organizational matters and checking my walking skills. I will also have many questions for him. Mostly about what methods he works with.

I also wonder if he will be like in my imaginations.

Of course, I'm still afraid that it will all turn out to be a failure. I have had a very bad experience with state physical therapy. Most people with cerebral palsy rather avoid the state one,because it does not give them much, and often even worsens the condition. Therefore, there is a belief among most of us that only private physical therapy makes sense.

I texted N about what will happen tomorrow.

I asked her why K might care so much about starting physiotherapy sessions as soon as possible.

As I once mentioned N has been using state physiotherapy for three years and is very happy with the results ,she is starting to walk. She probably also knows all the rules that state physiotherapists have to follow, so I asked about this rush on K's part.

I will try to approach everything positively, since even E and B approach all this very positively.

Anyway, the fact that he helped me get all the paperwork done speaks very well of him.

In fact, he handled everything for me.

B will probably ask if he is handsome. Especially if he is the same physiotherapist as the one we found one day on google.

I'm terribly scared.

The physiotherapy session will start at 11:30 in the daytime.

I'll set my alarm clock for ten in the morning so I don't fall asleep, although I doubt I'll fall asleep.

💮💮💮💮

As I was writing all this, I imagined that I would surprise J and come to visit him for a week of physiotherapy. In my imagination, A and I keep it a secret and after I come and hug J from behind🩷.

Probably keeping the fact that I am coming a secret would not work, especially if I had a physiotherapy session with him, but no one has killed anyone yet for a dream,right?

I miss J VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY much.

I would give anything to have physiotherapy with him and A instead of K

I even cried when I wrote this.

I will definitely text A about how the first physiotherapy session with K🎀 went (if there's anything to say).

I hope I will see J again someday and that he doesn't hate me.

💮💮💮💮

Today was such an ordinary day.

I was at a physiotherapy session with E

We stayed all in the office. I was also right about my muscles being all stiff. Today I didn't really want to exercise, but luckily I forced myself.

I even managed to walk the whole hallway without crutches,just on my own legs.

It was not easy, my back hurt a lot after that, but I managed.🎀

Unfortunately, on the way back I had to stay alone in the car for a few moments. At first, at the post office. There it was the worst,because it still seemed to me that the car was about to roll down the hill, although it stood on level straight ground.

Then in the parking lot at the store it was a little better, although it still seemed to me that something was wrong. The seat of the car seemed higher than usual to me,but this could just be my fears.

Today my fears were greater than last time,but maybe this is the result of fatigue after physical therapy.

💮💮💮💮

Today my younger brother yelled at me because I refused to let his girlfriend take me to the toilet.

I don't mind her doing it, but my brain is working at odd speeds today and I thought I'd take advantage of her by doing so.

My brother was in a bad mood and was also easily upset. Now we talk normally.

Although at the time I refused to go to the toilet with my mother and held my urine for an hour. And it was stupidity on my part because somewhere since last November I have some harmless bacteria in my urine for which no antibiotic works.

💮💮💮💮

I am finishing for today.

I am terribly stressed.🎀

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #teacher attachment #physical disability #premature baby #physical therapist #physical therapy #i miss him #longing #teacher crush #unrequited affection #unrequited crush #long post #long reads

[ablogmadebyjose]

TERM PROJECT NO.5 | WAS I EVER F*CKING GOOD ENOUGH?

Topics of interest

Extreme Close Ups | Relationships, sensual, seductive

Big Book Look | Abstract, asymmetrical, minimal

Monumental Images | Mortality, still, cold

CHOSEN TOPIC -> BIG BOOK LOOK/MONUMENTAL IMAGES??

I'm still conflicted on which theme this actually fits. It fits the requirements of the big book look with its use of scale and typography, but its message is so clear and up front that it could also be categorized as a monumental image. Regardless, I wanted to work with type for this week's illo and make it a huge aspect of my design. That's why I leaned towards those two themes and maybe even combined the two in concept.

Creative Concept

In all honesty, my original idea was completely different from the final result I'm posting now. It would've been an illustration in a style that I have never attempted yet and would be very complicated in execution, and due to the amount of work that was assigned last week, I never got around to really executing my idea. However, that idea will return for the next illustration prompt after the reading break. Anyway, when it came to this concept, I was inspired by one of my failed manifestos from ARTG210: Professional Practice 2, which didn't win the vote for it to be posted online on Instagram. Since this week's theme was scale, I knew I wanted the Macintosh photo to be tiny in comparison to the header text, which would be significantly larger than all the other imagery and text within the composition. I wanted to recreate the feeling when I'm awake past 11 p.m. working on whatever assignment is due the next day; it's tiring yet sort of relaxing.

Description

Despite being bummed out that I didn't get to execute my actual idea for this week's design and having to save it for the next theme, I made sure not to treat this week's design as a throwaway. I decided to go back to Photoshop and create another design, which I'll admit is in my comfort zone, but I always ensure that every weekly exploration looks distinctly unique from one another. This time, I wanted type to have a larger focus and make my narrative as blunt and straight-forward as possible. I tend to use vague and broad phrases for narratives that are way deeper than the actual phrases presented in the final work. Since this one was inspired by both the big book look and monumental images, it was pretty obvious that I had to make this week's narrative as clear as possible.

I feel like every designer or creative will at least suffer from imposter syndrome, and at times it impacts the work we create. It's something that I have to deal with and push through sometimes. I think one of my biggest weaknesses as a designer is that I compare myself way too much with my classmates. They're all so creatively unique in their own little ways, and the work they produce genuinely impresses me. I'm very honoured to be working and being friends with the people in my class, but at the same time, I have never felt this much imposter syndrome in my entire life before. I know I create good work, sometimes even exceptional work. Yet, when people compliment or even applaud my work, I just can't seem to fully determine if it's genuine or not. So, yes. Every night, I do ask if I was ever f*cking good enough! Despite this roadblock I find myself attempting to move past, I still love the work I put in. For the most part, I put in my all for each and every assignment, and sure, some might be better than others, but I'll always appreciate the amount of hard work during the design process that is put in. I think I've come full circle from that failed manifesto from ARTG210; this is my personal manifesto.

Enough of the rationale behind the narrative; when it came to the actual visual aspect of this week's exploration, I mostly used the same principles for the "WHO AM I?" design two weeks ago. However, this time I used different textures and blur effects to experiment more with the tools that Adobe Photoshop offers. I didn't want to overuse the texture; having subtlety there, I think, was a way better decision than it being super apparent and strong, as I wanted to recreate that feeling I have when I'm working on assignments late into the night. I also added some extra outer glow and drop shadows to add more depth, as it was looking very flat without those two effects behind the Macintosh. I adore how the textures turned out in this, especially the field blur effect on the type.

Even though this week's exploration wasn't my intended vision, I loved how it turned out and is so far my second favourite (BASTARD is still my number one!) exploration I've done so far.

KEYWORDS

Desolate

Pessimistic

Melancholy

ROUGH -> PROCREATE

FINAL -> PHOTOSHOP

#graphic design #photoshop #adobe

[rikkitikkisavvi]

Ohmysweetgoodness I actually wrote another blog post!

Blog about Journaling

How can you really explain journaling? There is no right and wrong when it comes to the art of personal words on private paper.

Journaling can be shared and it can be kept between the page and the writer. It can be exercise, it can document, it can be a time of reflection, it can just be a list. Journaling takes many forms, not even just writing. So how can you generalize journaling? You just can’t! That’s why I decided to create the post about how broad the world of journaling is. Think outside the box, because journaling certainly doesn’t fit in just one.

Journaling can take on many forms. You can write in a classic journal, documenting your day, maybe a to-do list, writing out self care and affirmations. In fact, I do this almost daily in a kind of stream of consciousness way! But there’s so much more you can do with journaling too. Junk journals and art journals I’ve seen are becoming more popular online. Using scrapbooking materials and collage art, you are able to make creative fantastic junk/art journals that have personality and story. I have my own kind of junk journal/scrapbook in which I document any kind of trip I consider an adventure.

Another way people use journaling is for writing practice. Having a compilation of short writing exercises, stories, poems, character designs, dialogue practice, and much more is a great way for writers to enhance their writing skill. These exercises and experiments don’t need to be shared with anyone, unless the writers wants to, and allows the writer to freely write without judgement or worry. This form of journaling, I believe, is essential for writers who want to advance their abilities.

Journaling can be for everyone, whether you’re a writer or not, and another form of journaling that I’ve used frequently is dream journaling. Dream journaling is the practice of recording dreams almost immediately after you wake up or any time you remember a dream. Writing down as many details of the dream that you can lead to more vivid dreams in the future. Keep this journal close to you while you sleep, so you can easily access it when you wake up.

Letter writing is also a form of journaling, in my opinion. Writing personal letters back and forth between a friend is a form of joint journaling or journal sharing. Letter writing is a kind of conversation documentation. Of course, texting can also be considered conversation documentation, but letter writing usually involves longer messages that update the receiver on the writer’s life, especially if the two are long distance. Much like letter writing, sharing and passing back and forth a physical journal is also joint journaling. When I was younger, my best friend and I shared a journal in which we would document our favorite moments together. Every week we would trade the journal and add to it for the other to see later on.

Journaling can also be experimental in a scientific way. Many people use journals to make notes about all kinds of things they want to study. Nature journals, adventure journals, and language learning journals are just a few that come to mind. Many more kinds of journaling exists and you can continuously find more ways to journal and more things to journal about.

Personally, I have one journal that fits all of these ideas. It’s a mess, and I have to put tabs in it anywhere there’s information I want to revisit. But I absolutely love my journal. It goes with me everywhere. If I have a quick thought or list I need to write down, it’s always right there. Journaling can be healing, it can be freeing, it can even be rewarding. Overall, journaling should be fun, and anyway you can make journaling enjoyable for you and fit your needs is the way to do it.

-Rikki Vinyard 10/27/23 (via @rikkitikkisavvi)

#literature #writing #journal #art journal #journaling

[chriswaddell]

BLOG 5 - September 16, 2023: “Nice Guys Finish Last.”

I feel weird writing this and if anyone saw it, it might be hard to understand with no context… but I have to get it out.

The last couple days have been pretty heartbreaking as I continue to make choices that I deem the “right thing to do” but have had significant consequences on my mental health. I’ll try to explain a couple of instances.

A few nights ago I had a conversation over the phone with a guy that I had been talking to and going on dates with. He’s from Atlanta. We’ll call him Dee. Dee wanted to know why I was being a bit more distant. I was guilty of putting a bit more space between us because I knew Dee was building stronger feelings for me and the vast distance between us would never allow for a successful relationship. So, I cleared the air with Dee that a relationship wouldn’t happen between us and that I had been sexually active with others and had been on other dates. There was no commitment between us, nor had anything became official… but in a weird way, it still felt like a break up. It hurt me so bad to break the heart of someone who had never wronged me in any way. But, despite my own sadness, I felt like it was the right thing to do.

Over the past month or so I’ve been talking to a person we’ll call Cee. Cee is nonbinary and a drag performer. An artist for whom I really enjoy the company of. Every date or hangout we shared together felt like the beginning of the rest of my life. Finally I can move on from the trauma of Logan’s death. The insecurities and feelings of worthlessness and most importantly, this dark, spiraling belief that I am destined to be alone forever. It was all letting go of it’s grip.

Every one of those giddy feelings and actions have been taking over my life. The feeling of being young, the flirting, the texts, the way we share a glance. The way their lips feel pressed against my own. The ability to relate on our lines of work. Everything has been feeling right.

Over the last couple of weeks, a few red flags were visible. “If into (their Twitter) you go, only pain will you find.” As I steal and alter one of my favorite Yoda quotes.. I’ll try to explain without great detail. On Cee’s Twitter, I found pornographic videos of them in sexual acts with men along with quite a bit if messaging spelling out the seeking of sexual attention. Knowing that someone you’re interested in has had or is having sex with other people is one thing… seeing it is one of the loneliest feelings I’ve ever had. However, the last post ask the readers something along the lines of “Have you ever had someone treat you so good… you’re waiting for something to happen (to ruin it)?” Something like that anyway.

It made me happy to read that because I realized that Cee liked me and recognized that I was trying my hardest to be so kind to them. I feel a similar way about nervousness regarding anything potentially blossoming from this. So, I wanted Cee to know I felt similar without knowing I found their Twitter. So I sent a message after a concert I took them too where I said it makes me nervous because good things have a way not working out, etc. Cee, interestingly, instead of telling me they felt the same… argued against that stance, interestingly, because that was their stance.

It was in that concert date where I had mentioned having gone on a bad date in Nashville a while back and Cee got upset with me. Said I wasn’t doing a very good job making them feel special. (I took them to see what they professed to be the greatest concert experience they’ve ever had.) So I don’t know. It was this same trip, where again, Cee reminded me that they were afraid that I had not moved on from feelings for my (dead) ex. That is a very valid fear.

All of that sets the tone for tonight’s adventure. Last night, Cee messaged me they were freaking. Out because their ride had canceled. Leaving them without a ride to a very important booking. I stepped up. The drive is more than four hours from my house. So, I stayed up all night with a headache getting what work I could get done as I had a show this weekend. Plus, early the next day, I had to go set up for it. I moved worlds to help Cee. I got two hours of sleep before rushing to get as much set up done as possible. I ran and rushed harder than ever to get Cee to their show. I pumped more than $120 worth of gas into the truck and suffered two headaches. But it was all worth it when I saw their face again. I swooned again.

About halfway through the trip, we switched time zones and I realized my calculations were off. They would be late. As I tried to explain what I had done, Cee interrupted and said “just tell me when I’ll be there so I know what to tell them.” This hurt me honestly. I was trying my best. Now I’ve been stricken with this unimaginable guilt. I shut down temporarily. I kept mentioning the time change and apologized at least three times, never to be met comfort or even a “it’s okay.”

Those feelings let up once we were at the show. I helped them pack all their stuff in and felt VERY out of place. It was no time that Cee asked me to help put together their props and if I would help set up the stage before their set. I obliged. When this eventually happened, I felt a weird sense of anxiety. That turned out fine. At least in a couple occasions while helping set up the props or running upstairs 3 different times to help Cee, they made statements that sound in tone and context like they were giving directions to a child. I still don’t know how to feel about this.

While downstairs, before the performance, Cee alluded to my being kind to them was an act. I very seriously said it’s not and noted how difficult keeping up an act like that would be after all this time. No statement was made further about that unfortunately. Before the performance, two of Cee’s drag companions were in the bathroom talking to Cee about how good looking I am and making what I thought were funny quips about “liking me.” I just ignored it. Cee hugged me with their body pair on and I reached up and dusted my shoulder off. They saw me and claimed that that’s a test. I guess insinuating that their significant other must not have to wipe away the flakey leftovers from their body paint??Later, after the performance, we were leaving I had both hands and arms filled with Cee’s belongings. It was loud due to a performance, it was dark and the walkway was extremely cramped. As we were going through Cee stopped for 2 seconds and said goodbye to a drag Queen that looked like the person that booked them to be in the show. I heard the booker thank Cee and Cee back. As I was walking by them, they patted me on the butt and said thank you.

I told Cee about it. And Cee brought up these people flirting with me and how I should’ve done something about it. Claiming again that I had failed this test. Going as far to say that their ex, Kevin “even knew to stop it.” What was I supposed to do? I was walking out the door. Following Cee. Hands full. And to bring up how your ex passed this test that I somehow failed… comparing my actions against his, while voicing how fearful you are being put up against the memory of Logan?! That’s not fair to me. At all.

Tonight, I was shown a side of Cee that not empathetic, not understanding, not gentle and showed no gratitude whatsoever. It frightens me. I really like them. Please tell me this is an off day and not an ongoing personality trait of them. I fall fast and hard and I don’t want to be broken again.

(I’m sorry for the longest run on sentence ever. I needed to write this and get it out. I have no one else to vent to. I’m alone.)

[anvoo]

I really don't know what to name these crazy long posts, but hey, let's restart our journal series. 13.09.2023 -

Hey, it's been a while.

I have my little YouTube video open on the side right now of a window and a thunderstorm outside. There was an actual thunderstorm in Aachen where I live yesterday, which reminded me of this.

My sleeping schedule has been really terrible, but in the past few days it's gotten a lot better, and I'm hoping that tonight I'll be able to get some decent rest.

I'm definitely worried about the exams but I'm trying my best to prepare for them.

Mentally I'm not doing great. It's like, I want to write more about it but it just feels overwhelming to do so. There are moments when I'm just really numb and disconnected from everything.

Lio wrote me back the other day, it was nice. He's also really busy and stressed about the exams; this week he's in the Netherlands (I assume with his mom), but he'll be back in Aachen next week.

I fear for my sanity and mental well-being sometimes. I fear my reactions. I guess, it's reasonable to be. You never really know what the future holds or what will happen, but you can somewhat assume or predict what your reactions could be. Luckily though, it is also something that you could influence.

I don't really know what to say.

I feel disappointed in myself. I see no good future outlook for myself. It feels like everything is just fucked and it's all doomed to fail anyways. Why am I even trying, or thinking of trying? Why not just give everything up and die eventually some time in the future somehow? Why not just kill myself now so I won't have to deal with any more suffering?

I miss Cat. I feel like I want to reach out for a distraction, for any semblance of joy or positive feelings, just anything.

It's despair. Why should I try or do anything? It's not going to work anyways.

I have a funny habit of wanting to mark dates and occasions down.

I also feel like, sometimes I try too much to rationalize, to find a reason, to categorize things, my own habits and psyche, included. It makes me feel like a lab rat, like my own research project; it feels dehumanizing and cold. I don't think I am qualified to do so; what are the things that make up "me"? What things are on the list, and if someone has access to that list, would they be able to perfectly understand or replicate "me"? Genetics aside, it would need to be a comprehensive list or collection of all my experiences, feelings, and thoughts, and it would be ever-expanding for as long as I am alive. I am the only one (at least for now) who has access to those information, albeit pretty poorly recorded and a lot of data's just been lost, but even with all that information, I don't think I am, or pretty much anyone is, able to accurately categorize me, or confidently say that I am "something". It's all on a spectrum anyways. I don't think it's pointless to try and find patterns or reasonings behind a person's actions or thoughts (all the personality tests also), but take it with a grain of salt.

I am a "procrastinator"; I am "validation-seeking"; I am this, I am that,... Some parts may be true, some might not be. It feels limiting. Demoralizing.

Let's try not to take things too seriously or let it get to us too much.

It makes me happy to see that pink italics text. Even though it is just me typing those words and changing the format, it feels different. It's like me, but from a more objective point of view, as a friend. I do miss him. He's helped me through a lot of things, and I'm glad that he's around now, and always.

I'm happy I could be here also for you ;)

You know, about Cat right. I am happy that I genuinely love and care for her. I feel like my thoughts and actions showed that, and I am proud of myself.

That's good :) You know that she loves and cares for you also. You're special to one another.

Yeah ;) When she's going through difficult phases in her life, it's harder for her to show me the affection and care that she has for me, but that doesn't mean that it's not there. I know that I am special to her and that she wants a future together, and so do I. I really cherish the affection she's given me; it truly means a lot.

But, that's also only a part of my life. I think that sometimes, I try to work on myself, try to get hobbies and habits and this and that, so that I could supplement and add to my romantic relationship with Cat, but I don't think that's a very sustaintable or nice way to do things.

I want to be happy in my life. I feel like, these things should point towards me at the end. I want to do well in my studies and later career so I'm financially independent and stable; I want friends for many many reasons (friends are nice); I want to get in shape cause it just makes me feel way better about myself (physically and mentally); I want to be more mentally well and emotionally attuned (to be able to manage my reactions and handle what life throws at me); I want a cute girlfriend/wife that I love (cause that adds to my life).

It's good that you want that. But let's get some rest for now. You got a lot of exam prep tomorrow, and also to look a writing some more about goals and such no? Revisit the little diagram thing.

It's time for sleepo yeah. Thank you for being around!

Always, and you're welcome ;) I love you man.

I love you too bro. Goodnight!

Goodnight!

#journal #diary #motivation #thoughts #self love #self help #abstract #art #writing #self motivation