#aromisia mention

[a-romantic--aromantic]

tell me more about your experiences in real life aro spaces please *big pleading eyes*

okay so i am notoriously bad at answering asks because i’m on mobile, but i figured i can take a crack at this one

so i actually wasn’t in explicitly aro spaces, but due to the culture in my area, most lgbt individuals didn’t feel that they needed to use the pride spaces to have the ability to express themselves or feel safe. this very quickly led to queer spaces and clubs being full of aspecs. due to luck, i found my queer club was about 30% aro at the start, and about 50% aro halfway through. the more discussions we had about romanticism and amatonormativity and trying unpack and discover what romantic attraction meant, the more and more people in the club realized that romanticism didnt apply to them in the stereotypical or normative sense, and more and more people came out as aro. there were lots of conversations that included us just pointing out “that sounds like demiromantic” or “is that romantic attraction?” when people said something that sounded like a very aro perspective.

i also didnt join the aspec club at the university nearby because im not a student, but im always really tempted. im curious what a space intended for aspecs is like.

within my experiences, our aro circle was pretty large, and being open about queer identity and connection with our aro identity and community led to me knowing more aros, because you get excited if you overhear it in public, and the more people know about it the more people come out.

my aro circle did have a lot of dating in it, still, but that was because they were all aro4aro if that makes sense? a lot of people realized they were demi. and a close knit aro circle opens up nicely for aro identity being respected And developing romo attraction.

i’ve mentioned before that ive dealt with an exclusionist/aphobe irl, and that im annoyed their “romo aro” flag shows up in google. this person was actively a “chronically online” and “discourse” kind of a person. they held a lot of colonial ideals, were fairly ableist, and pushed a lot of people’s boundaries. this person was one of like 3 that were openly aphobic on campus, and all three of them gave off the sense that they were there to start arguments, not to engage in having a community of any kind. they were ultimately ignored by all the other allospec queer members. by and large, everyone accepted us in their queer spaces, and our “pride alliance” never once suggested that we didnt belong. we spent a lot of time talking about what mattered to us and how our queer identities impacted eachother, and how our communities intersected in various ways.

when the aros broke off to interact independently, our aromanticism was rarely brought up, it just was something that was a fact. we could talk about our struggles with our aro identity, they watched my blog grow, and we always chose activities that were friendly to the folks who didnt want to see romo stuff. ultimately it performed more as a tight friend group than as any sort of overarching activity to participate in. ive found virtual aro communities are pretty similar.

i dont know if this helps at all, but i do want to say you’re not alone in your aro identity, and you’re probably not even the only aro in your area.

for stats, i know:

7 arospecs in highschool , 2 aplspecs

10 arospecs in my close friend group in college , 2 (different) aplspecs

8 arospecs from my pride alliance (not in my friend group), 1 aplspec not in my group

4 arospecs in passing in college

an honestly unknowable number of arospecs from my old job, where ive been recognized from this blog before. these were mostly arospec and queer teenagers that were in awe of seeing a queer and arospec adult.

ive also made multiple online friends in fandom spaces who were not arospec or questioning arospec who recognized me from my blog, and, including both irl and online dating, have dated 9 aros/arospecs, and had qprs with 3 (tho ive had qprs with non arospecs too).

we aren’t an insignificant percent of the population. there’s honestly quite a lot of us and you shouldnt feel alone in this community. because theres so many of us, every aro community you join or create irl will be a little bit different. i live close to an aro organization that is in the nearest major city, and im thinking about volunteering and getting involved there, too. if you want to try making an irl aro community, honestly the easiest way to do it is just to be out and proud. they’ll come to you or you’ll help them realize it.

anyways i dont know if thats what you were asking, but thats everything i have in my brain for now. hope this helps.

💚💚🤍🖤🖤

-ghost

#aro spectrum #aro #aromantic #grey aro #aromantic spectrum #arospec #aro spec #aro pride #aromantic pride #safeforaro #safe for aro #aro community #aromantic community #irl aro spaces are good #aro spaces #hey bees #whatd you ask? #they speak #rambles #aromisia mention #aphobia mention

[pet-shop-of-horror-fan]

Does anyone else remember when it was commonplace for exclusionists to claim that aromantics and asexuals are sexual abusers?

They would claim that (usually cishet men) aromantics would: have casual sex without romantic feelings, meaning that aromatic people would not care about their bedfellows and that aromantic people just use alloromantics (usually women) for sex, thus leaving a long line of victims.

They think casual sex is evil and that if someone is aro, then they must be having casual sex.

For asexuals, their reasoning was that: asexuals would never have sex, asexuals could only date allosexuals, and allosexuals would want sex. Therefore, they reasoned that asexual would abuse their romantic partners by denying them sex.

Exclusions were using rapist logic to claim that asexuals are sexual abusers.

And these people are still here with the same ideas, they have just gotten quieter.

#queer #a spec #aromantic #asexual #aromisia #acemisia #queermisisa #amisia #rape mention #sa mention

[the-fear]

I wish we all could discuss how amatonormative fandom spaces can be without claiming that shipping canonically aspec characters is akin to “erasing” their canon identities. Because as someone who is both aro and greatly supports the idea of “ship and let ship”, holy shit is it sometimes uncomfortable to go into the aromantic tag when people don’t realise the difference between fanon/headcanons and canon.

Newsflash: someone shipping an aspec character doesn’t mean that they don’t respect their canonical identity, and headcanons aren’t static things that the holder thinks is automatically better than canon!

#Yeah this is basically a short version of that post I wrote like two days ago #I should really stop writing posts like this at this time I can barely write without dozing off #some posts recently have put me in this increasingly uncomfortable position about this subject #as I mentioned in my earlier post: loads of popular ships in many fandoms don’t follow the characters’ canonical sexualities #please just accept that fact and don’t accuse people of aromisia #because it’s pretty much exactly the same as when people claim that aro fans are “being homophobic” for not shipping characters #fandom #shipping discourse #anti anti #yeah I’m definitely vagueblogging about someone. yeah I’ve already blocked them

[rjalker]

Once again stating that it stop being "internalized" bigotry the moment you start inflicting it on someone else.

This allo-aro jackass does not have simply have "internalized" aromisia, when they are not just shaming themselves. They are attacking me, an aroace person, for being the only one in the fandom calling out the aroacemisia.

If you feel bad about being aro, that's internalized aromisia.

If you tell other people they should be ashamed of being aroace, that's aromisia and amisia and *gasp* aroacemisia!!!!

And it is in fact made worse by the fact that you are aro and deciding to attack the only person in the fandom who's fighting back against amisia, which you yourself admit you are suffering from.

Like I cannot imagine being this fucking depserate to conform lol.

[ID: The principal from The Simpsons, now edited so he's saying, "

Should I blame the allo amisics in this fandom for being aromisic towards me, even though this fandom is dedicated to a canonically aroace protagonist?

No, it's the aroace nonbinary person who's calling out the fandom's aroacemisia that's the problem…"

End ID.]

oh and to make it even worse the fucker's exorsexist as shit lol, thinks me politely correcting epople when they misgender the protagonist is me "trawling the tag doing nothing but looking for fights to pick"

Did I mention Murderbot, the protaonigst, is canonically:

aroace

aplatonic

romance repulsed

sex repulsed

relationship repulsed

nonbinary / agender

uses it/its pronouns

touch repulsed

solitaremit

?

but 99.99% of this fandom is just fucking allos and either cis or binary trans people who claim to love this character, then spend their time erasing everything that makes it who it is and makes it unique.

Because according to this fandom, it's not bigotry to erase oppressed people's positive representation as long as uh.......you pretend those oppressed people don't even exist?

Literally this aroacemisic is defending someone who was telling me, a nonbinary person who uses it/its pronouns, that people who use it/its pronouns don't exist in real life, therefore no one gets hurt when this character is misgendered.

Lol.

#aroacemisia #aromisia #acemisia #amisia #TMBD aroacemisia #TMBD amisia #TMBD exorsexism #exorsexism #Murderbot deserves a better fandom #Rjalker reads The Murderbot Diaries #this was on pillowfort or I'd obviously have them on my blocklist #thankfully these fuckers in particular don't seem to use tumblr #or at least not under the sane username

[jamescarstairs]

every time i see an ace positivity post that implies being alone is a bad thing i lose 10 years of my life

#lauren waffles #aromisia mention #aromisia in the ace community tw #aromisia in the ace community mention #aromisia tw

[lovingitaromantic]

here is a post for any alloromantic allies reading this:

if you want to be a good friend, partner, ally, etc. of an aromantic, you have to do work. alloromanticism is yet another axis of privilege and it requires you to unlearn things.

some quick tips off the top of my head: engage enthusiastically with aros over their headcanons/ships, even if you don’t share them. imagine if you were excitedly talking about your trans headcanon for this character, and someone responded in a way that made it clear that their being trans “got in the way” of some other thing that this person liked in a character. (if you find yourself saying, but Ash! that’s a ridiculous thing to say about a trans character! congratulations, you’re almost there!)

ensure that aros are included in your pride posts, in your picrews, in your conversations, in your media. very often aros can only find solace and understanding in other aros.

if you come across a word you don’t understand, a phrasing, an identity. your first response should not be doubt or suspicion. your first response would be to google it, and, barring that, ask someone who knows (a blog like this, or even your friend/partner/etc. (but always respect the fact that no one is required to give emotional labor for your education)) Tangentially, don’t get all your information from one group of aros (aroaces, for exmaple) and assume it applies across the board. we all have different experiences based on location, gender, and sexuality

learn aromisic dogwhistles, aromisic users, and begin dismantling aromisia and amatonormativity in yourself and your own life. (amatonormativity covers much more than aros, but we tend to talk about it because of how directly it affects us)

show your blatant support. don’t be wishy washy, or assume that your friend will assume you support them. many of us live in a constant state of fear/suspicion/rejection and have been traumatized and betrayed by people we thought we could trust. our oppression is seen as a funny meme, bullying us is seen as an okay and righteous thing to do, and we still face many systemic barriers. make yourself a safe person to be around for an aro.

finally, and possibly the most important: listen to your aro friends. pay attention to what they’re saying to you and what they’re not. make an effort. care.

Edit: Feel free to add more!

-Mod Ash 🐍

#original post #not positivity #aromisia #discourse mention #trauma mention #amatonormativity #romo mention #i use aro as a broad term this includes anyone under the aspec umbrella! #allyship #edit: i accidentally wrote alloaromantics in the first sentence but thats me being a dummy!!

[romolite]

There have been discussions about how every time a character is confirmed ace there’s always a rush of “they can be gay and ace” and “aces can still date/be in a romantic relationship”, and how especially the latter phrase can come off as aromisic. And they’re right. It does come off as aromisic being that there’s nothing wrong with not experiencing romantic attraction. And I’m not saying people who say the latter are in the right necessarily, but I can understand where they’re coming from if they’re ace.

There tends to be discourse when ever a character is confirmed as ace, where people will argue whether the character is actually gay or ace. Which is when people say “they can be gay and ace.” And that’s true. But the problem with it is that that kind of statement only comes up when a character is confirmed as just ace but not given a canon romantic orientation.

A lot of people who aren’t ace don’t seem to acknowledge alloace (I.e, gay, bi, lesbian ace) people until it comes down to character rep and shipping. Alloace (not in exact terms) characters are seen as a compromise. Aces can have their ace rep and other people can have their gay/bi rep.

At least that’s how I see it. But please stop using the “we can still love” thing as a defense

#lite.txt #aromisia #(mentioned) #acemisia #intracommunity discourse #ok to rb

[splend-aros]

Daily Affirmation 1004.

Let us honor those aros who have fallen.

Those who never knew they were aro. Those who lost themselves in amatonormativity and self-denial. Those who hurt themselves because of self-loathing; those who ended themselves because they felt there was no joy ahead of them. Those who were hurt by others in an effort to change them, and those who felt they had no one to turn to. Those who were fighting for a better future for themselves and for others, but didn't achieve what they wanted for aros too.

We grieve for you. And we give hope and support those in situations like yours. Together we can make it through. Together we can remember those who didn't.

#all arospec #affirmation #amatonormativity #aromisia #anti aro sentiment m #suicide // #depressed aros #abuse mention cw #uhhhhhhh i hope this one gets across what i was trying to say

[aro-neir-o]

Carnival of Aros - Self-care, Self-love, and Aromanticism

I am coming out of my work-ridden space with some thoughts on self-care and work-life balance, so it seems incredibly fitting that this month’s Carnival of Aros theme is self-care and self-love.

As always, my thoughts are under ‘Keep Reading.’

Aro self-care is something I find to be very specific and different from my other forms of self-care. When I struggle daily with relationship norms and values that I actively disidentify with because of my aromanticism, I can’t help but think that we do need these resources.

Below are some of the ways I have been learning to care for myself when I encounter thoughts that are regurgitations of anti-aro sentiments. Internalized aromisia/arophobia is very real and sometimes we all have to struggle with it. In different ways, too. Being an aroflux person means that sometimes I devalue my place in the aro community for being “not aro enough.” And other times, I devalue my place in broader society because I’m “too aro.” Sometimes I am frustrated I don’t feel any love, including self-love, and other times I’m called selfish for caring too much.

Self-care for me means accepting all of my identity, all of my struggles, my happinesses, and my feelings. That’s so much harder in practice than in theory.

What my self-care looks like

Something I have been reading a lot more about recently (particularly when my therapist also mentioned it) was the idea of being in relationships with everything around me. I recall a First Nations idea of interconnectedness or connectivity, and trying to implement this way of thinking has been helping me understand myself and others in our complex world.

I think of my identity and myself as a collection of selves, and my work with myself is a kind of 'Parts Work,' as my therapist calls it. I try to build relationships with different parts of myself. For example, young parts of me that still exist and express fear when I encounter certain triggering circumstances. Or the parts of myself I'm trying to cultivate and let enter me but am still developing. I work with myself and all of my parts to co-create a self-sustaining system (note: I don't mean system as in plurality; I am not plural personally).

Just like I have parts of me I really enjoy, like my very creative selves, I also have parts of me I struggle with and have often suppressed, like the internal critic that thinks my aromanticism and identity are fake. What has been incredibly important to me in my self-development is caring for ALL of those parts.

That includes caring for parts I don't like and am often frustrated with or angry at. At the end of the day, all of the parts of me are trying to help, even if they don't really do so in an effective way. Just like I wouldn't yell at a child who may have broken my plate when they were trying to help me put away the dishes, I don't want to yell at the parts of myself that make mistakes in good faith.

Things I try to remember to implement in my self-care

Not beating myself up for having internalized amatonormative beliefs, and instead sitting with them curiously. Hearing myself out and comforting that part while also being firm and clear about my boundaries engaging with it.

Not beating myself up for not having the energy to sit with all of my parts or feelings as they come up. I don't have to be ready to work on and parent myself literally all of the time.

I can ask for help or for company when I engage with other parts of me or engage in self-care activities. People are often way more excited to be invited to that kind of personal and intimate experience than they are weirded out by it. If they're weirded out by it, it's not on me, it's more about them and their comfort and that's all valid. We all relationship differently and I need to be aware that my queering of relationship structures isn't universal.

I can say no to others asking things of me, including asking to help and be part of my self-care. Sometimes it is caring for myself to try to practice doing things independently to build up my resilience, while other times even when I could deal with things on my own, it's an exercise in being vulnerable to invite others.

I'm allowed to change up my self-care strategies and routines whenever the hell I want. I don't have to take a bath and do a facial every Sunday. I can play a video game instead, go for a walk, hang out with a friend, spontaneously paint a plant pot, write a shitton of posts for this aro blog (hi, yes, I'm currently doing this).

My self-care doesn't need to look like anyone else's. If it feels good for me to disconnect from everything and everyone to play my piano for five hours straight until my fingers start to get sore, it is no one's right to judge that behaviour as wrong or right for me. If I want cuddles and hugs and intimate time with someone without a relationship structure, it is no one's right to judge that. If I don't want hugs or love from others, even when well-meaning, that's well and valid.

I am not my own judge. I am my own parent. Those are not the same thing. I also don't need to be in parenting mode all of the time. I can be neither judge nor parent.

Self-love is not a prerequisite for self-care.

My relationship with self-love and self-care is inherently queer because I am queer. Because I am aro. That last bullet point is something I think is particularly important as an aro engaging in self-care, and it's something I would personally put on an aro self-care list.

At the end of the day, I am a human being who is flawed and growing and changing all the time. My identity grows and changes with me. I love a lot, but sometimes I don't love at all. And that's all ok. I am not beholden to anything or anyone, and that also includes me.

#carnival of aros #blogging carnival #actuallyaromantic #personal #self-care #self-love

[kyanitedragon]

18, 19, and 20 for the fandom ask

18. Platonic soulmates: do you like the concept or not?

I do not, and I don't like any concept of soulmates, either. I just really dislike the idea that you have some "other half" out there, whether romantic or platonic or whatever else it may be.

I know some people use "soulmates" to just mean people who are really close and Get each other, but I personally can never see the term that way and the idea of soulmates always rubs me the wrong way. I'm whole on my own, y'know?

Sometimes I like the aesthetic of them, like I really love art depictions of the red string of fate, but when it comes to writing I just can't get invested in it.

19. What is your dream aromantic themed fanfic?

This honestly goes for both original fiction and fanfiction, but my dream aro writing is a story that focuses on an aromantic's life.

I've always enjoyed the "walk in their shoes" or "look through their eyes" sort of story. Something so descriptive and down-to-earth that you can get a great sense of what someone else experiences, no matter how far away it is from your own. I love the feeling of reading and getting into a character's head and basically feeling and experiencing things vicariously through them.

So, something that takes an aromantic character, and casually shows their life and how being aromantic affects it. How amatonormativity is everywhere, the disconnect you feel from allos, if they're romance-favorable then the nuances that come with that, the conflicting feelings of experiencing romance repulsion, etc.

(Which is why I love Koisenu Futari so much. It's so raw and descriptive and covers so much of the aroace experience!)

So in terms of fanfiction specifically, I would love to see someone take their aro headcanon and Go Off with it. Tell me all about how you think this character experiences their life as an aro. Are they nonamorous? In a QPR or considering one? Romance favorable or repulsed? How many labels do they use? How did they find out they're arospec? Do they deal with any internalized aromisia?

20. Which fandom you’ve been in was the most aro-friendly?

The HLVRAI and Half Life fandoms!

I've been wanting to talk about this!! So thanks for the opportunity lol

Half Life is an M-rated first person shooter, and my experience with other mature-rated things has usually been that the fandoms are pretty romance- and sex-orientated because they are for mature audiences. So I was basically expecting more of the same when I got interested in HLVRAI and then the actual Half Life series and came to check out the fandoms.

And I was very pleasantly surprised that this wasn't the case. There's an equal amount of gen content and shipping content in both fandoms, which I have literally never experienced before in any other fandom.

It made me extremely happy as an aroace, but even more so because the entire reason I joined these two fandoms was for the found family in the series. Usually in other fandoms I have to spend a long time searching for gen found family content and weeding through all the romance-heavy stuff, but in these two fandoms it's really easy to come across!

There's also a lot of aros in both fandoms, which also makes me very happy! A lot of them don't have aro icons so I always go :o when they casually mention they're aspec.

[Aro Fandom Ask Game Here!]

#aro #aromantic #asks

[lovingitaromantic]

i know this is meant to be a mostly-positivity blog but i’m tired and in a mood and this has been eating at me: so much god damn content focuses on aromantics ONLY in our (theoretical) relationship to asexuality. even as an aroace this makes me nauseous because i’m more attached to my aro label than my ace one bc being aro affects my life a lot more.

i scroll through the aro tags and most of the posts are about aces AND aros. and there’s not necessarily anything WRONG with including acespecs and arospecs in the same post. but i think the lack of aro-only content just kind of speaks to the need for blogs like this one. aromanticism are seen as an attachment/companion of asexuality in a way that is really demeening towards and erases ppl who are allosexual or are like me!

i don’t want every post on this blog to be about aroaces, or having the phrase “aro/ace” (something i’m not really big on since it always feels like it’s lumping us into the same group when it’s not always applicable but that’s nitpicking)

also, don’t use aspec when you mean ace, and don’t use ace when you mean aspec. it’s aromisic.

tl;dr: if you make positivity posts for aspecs, don’t be aromisic, and make an effort to diversify the aspec posts you make!

-Mod Ash 🐸

Exclusionists stay off this post!

#original post #discorse mention #aromisia #alloaromisia #🐸 #this post was written at 12:50 am pst but i'm scheduling it for 12:00 pm pst

[starstruckpurpledragon]

So earlier today I saw an ask on @fuckyeahasexual​ talking about there being articles on Vice about aromanticism and asexuality.  Well, mostly asexuality, but there was apparently one on aromanticism too.  I didn’t really have time to read it then, but I wasn’t super impressed by the tagline “They're never gonna fall in love—because they don't want to.”

A person’s orientation isn’t a choice, so I tend to be kind of wary of phrasing that implies the opposite.  So not a great start for the article.

It’s actually not bad.  It was written in 2014 and despite being 5 years old (well, in September it will be), its information hasn’t aged badly  (there’s still the 1% of the population is ace figure that’s outdated, but... 2014).  I really don’t like some of the author’s tendency towards flippant humor, but I’ll get to that some below the cut.  Overall, its a decent take on aromanticism from an outsider’s perspective and, better yet, the aromantics interviewed for the article aren’t all aroace, there’s a lesbian aro and straight aro who get quoted, and a few other aros who may or may not be ace mentioned throughout the article.  I also think it does a fairly good job of addressing common misconceptions like ‘aros are late bloomers’ and ‘it’s a tumblr thing’, though your mileage may vary on that one.

I particularly like the closing paragraph:

It’s clear that the human experience that sits under the label of “aromantic” is not simple. Aros may feel sexual attractions, they may not. They may want to be intimate, they may not. They might want relationships with one special person, or have squishes, they might not. Their ideal Christmas present might be a Blu-ray copy of The Notebook, or they might have taste. But all of this variation doesn’t make the label less valid. Why should minority sexual and romantic orientations have to fit into strict criteria? Straight, romantic people aren’t all easily defined either. Love is complicated, and humans are more so—and when you think in those terms, I guess the real question is why aren't there more labels for the way that we relate to each other?

Okay, so I do like some of the flippant humor because I’ll never not find taking potshots at The Notebook funny.

If you’re looking for some 101 resources to start explaining aromanticism to a non-aro friend, this would be a good article to toss their way.  Below the cut is a deeper look at the good and bad aspects of the article.

The Good:

While the article uses asexuality as a jumping off point for explaining aromanticism, the author makes it clear that asexual does not equal aromantic or vice versa.  She discusses sexuality as a spectrum then introduces the concept of romantic orientations as a spectrum too, moving from there into a deeper view of aromanticism. 

She debunks a lot of misconceptions about aromanticism:

Discusses how its not about disliking romantic gestures

Makes it clear that aromantics aren’t psychopaths (though this was one of the places her flippant humor irked me)

Touches on the concept that aromantics do feel all kinds of platonic love, just not romantic love

Tackles the idea that aromantics are just late bloomers, examining the reasoning behind that assumption and ultimately uses quotes from an interviewed aro to land firmly against the idea that aromantics are just late bloomers

Also tackles the idea that we’re just tumblr snowflakes, though this one is more of a mixed-bag of results and YMMV just how well she deals with it

Discusses how enjoying romance as a genre does not disqualify a person from being aromantic 

Confronts the idea that aromantics are all sex-fiends both with quotes from aros who explain why thats not true and from using her own logic skills to pick apart the fallacy

While she doesn’t discuss amatanormativity by name, she does tackle the concept to some degree.  There are quotes from aromantics discussing the harm society’s expectations regarding romance have made aros feel uncomfortable or even broken.

Describing squishes using AVEN’s definition was a good start -  “a desire for a strong platonic relationship with someone which is usually more emotionally intimate than a typical friendship.” - which makes it all the more annoying when her treatment of the term squish is immediately fumbled afterwards.  (More below in ‘The Bad’ section.)

She discusses what QPRs are and while the definition given isn’t the greatest - there’s no mention of alterous attractions and the standard ‘romantic relationship levels of commitment between intensely close friends’ description is given.  While some aros are okay with this type of description for QPRs and other aros are very intensely against it, this is definitely a spot where YMMV.  While I’m ultimately glad that QPRs were addressed at all and in a way that non-aros can start grasping the concept, I do find it frustrating that she implies that QPRs are sort of friendship+ since that’s not really what they are.

The Bad:

I admit, I really just don’t like the tagline.  In addition to my earlier complaints, it erases aromantics who do want to be in a romantic relationship.  There are a lot of valid reasons an aro might choose to be in a romantic relationship and I don’t think that ever really gets addressed in the article, which instead frames all aro relationships as either friendships or QPRs.

“Aromanticism is simply the fundamental desire to not be in a romantic relationship.” - That’s... not really a good explanation of what aromanticism is.  While it, thankfully, doesn’t imply that aromanticism is a choice, it doesn’t actually describe what aromanticism is - not experiencing romantic attraction - and equates aromanticism with behavior - not wanting to be in a romantic relationship.  This once again erases aromantics who are in romantic relationships for any number of valid reasons.  

“Unlike psychopaths or people who just don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you (ugh, weirdos), aros are capable of love.” - While I’m glad she addresses both that aros aren’t psychopaths and that aros do feel love, I could do without the amatanormative joke in the middle there.  The idea that only weirdos wouldn’t be romantically attracted to a person is really entitled and creepy and gross and just jarring to have there.  The semi-flippant treatment of dismissing the psychopath misconception isn’t all that great either, but YMMV.  In this particular context its just very uncomfortable to me, perhaps largely because the person making the joke isn’t aro.

The dismissive attitude towards aro culture because we make jokes about auto-correct, discuss fandom headcanons, and create pride flags.  These are all things that pretty much every LGBT+ identity does and its insulting to single us out for being comfortable enough with our aromanticism to start having fun and taking pride in ourselves.  None of that is inherently childish and I really can’t tell if she’s being ignorant or indulging in ageism by classifying things she’s not interested in as things that adults don’t do.

The equally dismissive treatment of aromantic terms, like ‘squish’ and ‘zucchini’.  ‘Squish’ is no more childish than the term ‘crush’ and plenty of adults use the word ‘crush’ to describe their romantic feelings.  And while ‘zucchini’ may sound weird without knowing the history behind it (or even when you do) slang pretty much always sounds weird.  It’s even more frustrating because one of the quotes in this section are used to reinforce the author’s disdainful attitude towards the adequacy of our terminology.  Not every aro finds these words useful but its downright hurtful to see an aro quoted calling the word ‘squish’ juvenile or equate it with being ‘emotionally stunted’.  (Seriously, while I can understand wanting equivalent terms we can use that are less likely to be dismissed by non-aros, I hope everyone will try to remember that dismissing words like ‘squish’ is really hypocritical when similar slang terms are widely in use for conveying romantic emotions and are not treated as childish.  It’s just another form of aromisia and one that is very easily internalized.)

Overall, the author seemed extremely open to understanding what aromanticism really is and the parts of her writing that conveyed amatanormative and aromisic sentiments could be put down to her simply still being ignorant on the subject.  It’s definitely a good starting point for non-aros to learn some of the basics about aromanticism.  I don’t know if I’d recommend this to someone trying to figure out if they themselves are aro, though.

#aromantic article #non-aro author #aromisia #arophobia #good as a 101 article for non-aros #aro erasure #2014 #I might go back later and checkout the articles on asexuality #but I was more interested in the aro article #because as little as there is on asexuality there's even less on aromanticism #aro 101

[outoforderaro]

Romance Repulsion

Hey I wrote my romance repulsion thing! about my experiences with it. It’s also a fair bit about amatonormativity, ofc. but here it is:

(CW: mentions of aromisia, threat of violence, and romance, and discussion on like, social disconnect?)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/15dq-bNVBd_kOfp769zPeDevU6waA2e0U1X3BHuSvQqQ/edit?usp=sharing

#romance repulsed #aromantic #aro #aromantic awareness week #aroaw #aaw #romance repulsion #i think i have more tags that will track already? anyway yeah #google doc bc long and gives actual control over it lol

[saltyaro]

This is. A bit weird but. Like I’ve mentioned recently, I’m part of a group of people trying to create a local queer collective. And I’ve learnt some time ago, that one of the members of this collective is aphobic. Like “I don’t feel like saying ‘acephobia’ or ‘arophobia’ because they don’t exist” level of aphobic.

Which is bad enough, and honestly it doesn’t make me want to interact with her because, what an asshole lmao. The problem is, she’s a trans woman. So, it doesn’t feel good to outright dismiss her as an asshole, even though I don’t have the energy to educate her. If I see her and it comes up, I’ll just spam her with sources, whatever.*

Another issue arise though: excl/us/ion/ism, as we all know, is pretty popular among...te/rfs. So, while I don’t want to use up my energy for an aphobe, I can’t help knowing having this kind of bullshit in her head is dangerous for her (also, let’s be honest, it’s really fucking dangerous for the aspec people in her life, but it’s apparently not important to care about us so). So, while my actual main goal in wanting to make her change her mind is, the safety of one particular aroace person I know (they’re close), I’m also genuinely worried she might end up hurting herself because of her wrong beliefs. And I don’t know if showing/explaining to her how te/rfs have popularized aphobia and thrive on it would help? Like, trying to appeal to her own interests at first before getting her to care bout other people and trust/believe us?

I have no idea on if this would work or not. I don’t know her that much, we’ve barely met, and I don’t want to put the work into an aphobe with no garanty that they’ll at least change to be respectful of aspec people. 

So yeah it’s a bit of a complicated situation. Maybe I just shouldn’t care but like I said, there’s this aroace person I care about in this equation. Thoughts?

*On that, I have some pretty convincing studies/reports about acephobia, but not so much about arophobia? I’m thinking about the GLSEN report that is very good for aces, but they didn’t care enoguh about us to survey aro people

#my post #3615 my life #arophobia #aromisia #acephobia #acemisia #? #don't know if acespec people use that word #terf mention #transphobia

[aroworlds]

Hey legit question, what are the ableist connotations of aphobia? Is it the a part, or the phobia part, or what? I read your post on it but i don't really understand.

Phobia is a type of mental illness, a disability. It limits, impacts or halts one’s ability to go about various ordinary human activities, and a person with phobias may go to extreme, isolating or limiting measures to avoid the things that cause our terror and panic responses.

Aromisia is the hate, aggression, violence, erasure, dismissal and mockery targeted at a marginalised identity on the basis of our lacking alloromantic attraction and that quality being perceived as inhuman and undesirable by Western society.

Transmisia/cissexism is the hate, aggression, violence, erasure, dismissal and mockery targeted at a marginalised identity on the basis of our not being cisgender and that quality being perceived as inhuman and undesirable by Western society.

Do you see how one of these things isn’t like the other two?

The ableism lies in using the name of a mental illness--which is itself another experience of marginalisation often resulting in hate, aggression, violence, erasure, dismissal and mockery because we are perceived as inhuman and undesirable by Western society--to describe something that has absolutely no resemblance to a mental illness whatsoever.

Furthermore, people with mental illnesses are regularly accused of being violent and dangerous. How many people are armchair diagnosing Donald Trump, trying to find medical reasons for the horrors he’s wrought when the only relevant reason is that he’s a privileged, wealthy, white cishet dude? How many people are blaming possible mental illnesses for his hatred, violence and extreme disregard for anyone not a privileged, wealthy, white cishet dude, while people with mental illnesses are often victims of violence, not the perpetrators? How does this misuse of the word not tie in to a culture where people with mental illnesses are painted as dangerous, people to be feared–just like cissexist and aromisic people?

That’s the message I hear with -phobia language used to describe all the flavours of LGBTQIA+ hatred: my mental illnesses, my phobias, make me like the people who hurt, belittle and dismiss me for being aro/abro/agender/trans/queer.

To use the name for one of my mental illnesses as a synonym for hate, aggression and violence targeted at a marginalised community is an act of ableism. It creates a false correlation between a mental illness experience and the violence wrought on a marginalised population.

The aro-spec community, in responding to my post and adopting other language terms, is proving just how unnecessary this conflation is.

#anon #ask #ableism mention #aromanticism and ableism #phobia language advisory #ableist language advisory #text #not media #not aromantic #long post #very long post #mod chatter #aromisia #cissexism

[aroworlds]

i'm a mod on an aro-ace blog which, if i am not there to reblog aro posts, mostly focuses on the experiences of aces and the ace community. i'm scared of reblogging aro posts even though no one (of the mods) has said anything about what i should post/not post. i think maybe i'm scared of inconveniencing aces (and aro /aces/) with aro content. i haven't contributed with aro content in a whole year bc of this fear even though i want to be aggressively and unapologetically aro

I wish I could sit a few well-known ace community bloggers down and show them the asks I get on this blog–sit them down at my desk, hold their heads straight so they can’t look away and then make them scroll down this Tumblr to see what you’re all saying. I wish this so much, anon, and it pains me that the best I can do is support and validate. Our conversations do matter, but these words remind me that our fight will be won in tiny, grudging steps, not the sweeping change we desire and deserve.

Anon, your feelings are not irrational: this isn’t an overreaction to attitudes that don’t exist, and I think it’s important to hold onto that. It’s too easy to feel like our fears aren’t valid, that it’s our own anxiety holding us back, and that isn’t the case here. This has happened because the ace-spec community as a whole has failed in its support of most folks who identify solely, predominantly or significantly as aro-spec. (Essentially, anyone who doesn’t or can’t centre the ace as first and foremost.) This failure to support doesn’t need to be explicitly voiced as antagonism–a silencing of aromantic and aro-ace experiences and conversations versus the centering of alloromantic ace experiences and conversations in ace spaces does this with remarkable effectiveness, no individual person needing to voice explicit aro antagonism or erasure. You’re afraid because ace-spec and general a-spec spaces, at least in recent history, have not been encouraging and supporting of unapologetic aromanticism.

In fact, because this isn’t explicit hatred, much of the time, it’s so much harder to answer. We feel like we’re responding to something that isn’t there; we feel like the anxiety is irrational or unsupported. If we are included at all, it’s only in ways that don’t threaten the narrative of alloromantic asexuality being centred and paramount, and when we question this centering and the resulting forms of aro erasure, we don’t get hate from much of the ace community–we just get ignored.

As someone who had my sister refuse to talk to me or look at me or treat me as a human living under the same roof for six months and more, being ignored isn’t a kindness. It’s damaging and traumatising. It’s just damaging in ways that are less visible and less understood, ways that lead to anxiety and uncertainty, ways that make it so difficult to step up and speak. When you have no assurance of an audience, you learn not to speak at all, and finding your voice after such silencing (especially while such silencing continues) is a difficult thing. I’m still struggling with it, and that might not seem real, given the words I spend on this blog, but I’ve spent three weeks now not publishing a finished story in part because I am so afraid of speaking and so afraid of the consequences.

Anon, if you don’t feel safe in being aggressively and unapologetically aro on the blog you mentioned, don’t. Your safety comes first, always, before activism and community building. You aren’t causing other aros harm by first looking after yourself: this situation is not of your making and you are not contributing to or enabling it. Activism–and this is activism–never comes before your comfort and safety, and it is truth that engaging in it opens us up to harmful responses, often lacking the ability to easily bear them because of the pain that drives us to activism in the first place. Not all of us, for thousands of reasons, have the ability to bear this, and that makes nobody any less of a person or an aro-spec. In a world where to be who we are is a hundred shades of wrong, just existing is a radical act, and I swear to you that is always, always, enough.

You are not less boldly, defiantly aro because you have been forced into a situation where it is unsafe to express yourself. Your aromantic pride is not less because you can’t speak it, and I have no time for anyone who believes otherwise.

If you’d like to start increasing the aro on this blog, though, start small. Start with really safe pieces to reblog like aro-ace characters, pride art or positivity, and introduce these more slowly onto the blog–one each day or every couple of days, say. Start with media least likely to be deemed objectionable and slowly get your followers (and co-mods!) used to seeing this content. You can then, still slowly, start throwing some aro-specific pride media and positivity, some allo-aro media, some aro-spec identity posts, some aro experience posts, etc, still focusing on content that leans towards positivity and pride. At the same time, you can start increasing the frequency, balancing out the more aro-specific works with pride and positivity pieces. When this has become normal blog fare, you can try a few of the less overtly frustrated-with-allo-ace posts about aro-ace erasure (if appropriate for the blog, of course) and work your way up towards real aro-spec community conversations (if appropriate for the blog). The same applies for your original content, anon–start small with pride art or positivity posts, let your followers grow accustomed to these and then start slowly feeding in posts that address aro-spec identity and experience, like stories or creative non-fiction posts, later building up to conversations on erasure.

A shift straight from everything ace to posts about aro erasure in the ace community risks ruffling feathers amongst followers and mods. That this risk is real says how much aro erasure is accepted and unconscious (oh, amatonormativity!), and nothing about the approach I’ve suggested is right. This is another case, anon, where we’re looking at a long, slow battle, inching our way towards progress. It involves a great deal of patience and hand-holding, both of which are so difficult, but I think it’s the best way of making change with the least (not none, just least) chance of hate or antagonism.

(If you never want to post anything difficult and just stick to media and characters and positivity, that’s also appropriate. You get to draw the line, always, on the kind of media you reblog and the conversations you have. Promoting positivity or identity exploration is absolutely an act of activism and it is no less empowering or vital an act than those of us who talk about erasure. I don’t get to have conversations without the work of folks who, through promoting positivity and 101 content, allow people to understand they are aro-spec; I’d be nothing here without those bloggers.)

I’ll stress again, anon, that if you can’t do this, for whatever reason, that is absolutely fine. You are no less aro-ace for keeping yourself safe. Your comfort and safety always becomes before activism. If you feel able to take that first dangerous, difficult step, though, this is how I’d do it. I’ll mention that this blog, today, has a very different timbre from its beginning; I never imagined having community conversations of the sort that we’ve found ourselves needing. Starting with safer things like media content or positivity is an important part of allowing bloggers, mods, followers and the blog itself to grow and develop–gradually and organically. I see no reason why this can’t happen anywhere else.

Good luck, and please know that whatever you do, anon, you are already and always aggressively and unapologetically aro. You wouldn’t have sent in this ask if you weren’t.

#anon #ask #aromisia in the ace community #aro antagonism #aro erasure #aroace erasure #broader aspec discussions #acespec community frustrations #aroace #not media #text #discussion post #aspec community #long post #very long post #personal #abuse mention #I will essay at you #mod chatter