#bad may not be the right word maybe underwhelming fits better

[shinhati]

remember when the disney hamilton pro-shoot was so bad all hype for the musical evaporated virtually overnight

#bad may not be the right word maybe underwhelming fits better

[mercy-burning]

A Fire I Can’t Put Out (Songbird Chapter 2)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader Summary: One week later, a chance encounter leads Reader and Spencer to each other once again. Rating: 18+ Warnings: Smut (exhibitionism, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, creampie, thigh riding, male masturbation, fingering, oral sex - male and female receiving, multiple orgasms), Language Word Count: 10k (I got really carried away lol)

SERIES MASTERLIST SERIES PLAYLIST (new songs added with the release of each chapter)

NOTE: Alas! Our first inkling of fluff! While this chapter is very spicy (you get 2 smut scenes 😉), there’s also a very cute, fluffy moment at the piano that I hope you all enjoy! (Just thinking about it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside...) See you on Valentine’s Day for Chapter 3! 🥰

(Also, everyone should listen to the song I added to the end, it’s BEAUTIFUL and I changed the song/title of the chapter to match it last minute, because I just discovered it and it was too perfect not to use lol)

***

The note felt like it was burning a hole in my pocket. It may have one time been a crumpled receipt, but now it was a searing reminder of the one time in my life that I'd broken my own rule and allowed a man to stay. It hummed ferociously, screaming at me to do everything in my power to find him again and finally learn his name at the very least.

Because that was the thing that bugged me the most. I thought that by refusing to learn his name that night, I would save myself the potential attachment, but it turns out all that did was make me even more attached to him.

I tried to convince myself over and over that it was just because he fucked me so good I thought I hurdled through space and time, and not because he was incredibly gorgeous, respectful, and pretty much downright perfect. Maybe it was all of those things rolled into one perfect, blissful night that was meant to be just that—a one-night stand. The one-night stand, if you will.

But no matter what I tried to tell myself, my thoughts always drifted back to him. S...

What could his name be? Steven? Sam? Scott? Sonny? Saxon?

I didn't want to think about it anymore. Maybe his name didn't even start with S... Maybe he meant it to mean Stranger. That was possible, right?

That was probably it. That had to be it, otherwise I was going to lose my mind trying to figure it out when there was a high chance I was never even going to see him again.

My fingers drifted over the piano keys and tried to play anything, anything from memory, anything from scratch? God, just play something... And when I finally did feel my fingers press down into the keys, I didn't register what the song was until I was singing the words.

"Say you'll remember me..."

"No!" I slammed my hands on the keys and then leaned forward on my elbows, resting my head in my hands as the loud array of notes faded into the bright, morning air. I took a deep breath and started to laugh to myself. "What the hell, Y/N..."

He wanted to be remembered, right? He wanted me to remember him. And by leaving the first letter of his name—and a note in the first place—that surely meant that he hoped I'd see him again, right? Or that I'd try to find him? Maybe that was his subtle way of telling me he'd be at the bar for the next open mic night, just in case I decided to show up again.

Or, maybe he was just being a decent human being, Y/N, you know shit like that doesn't happen in real life. Don't fucking fall for it.

I sighed and hit random keys on the piano again before getting up and deciding to take a drive.

When even music didn't take my mind off anything—which was almost never—driving always seemed to do the trick. Sure, there was usually more room for thinking when it came to driving, but for me, it was almost panic-inducing if I wasn't giving the road my full, undivided attention. It's not that I was bad at driving, but I certainly wasn't great at paying attention unless I was fully committed. Since I didn't want to seriously injure myself or die in a car wreck, I found that the best option to get my mind off of anything that was troubling me was to just drive.

It hadn't failed me yet, but maybe this would be the thing that finally sent me flying off a bridge and into a river.

I promptly decided not to think about that.

While I was going out I figured I'd stop by the coffee shop on my way out of town, that way I'd at least have a nice iced coffee to indulge in while I just wandered around. I made sure my driving playlist was downloaded to my phone before also grabbing my bag and keys, and then leaving the apartment.

***

"Hi, I'll take a large vanilla iced coffee, please."

"Will that be all?"

I smiled at the barista, whose nametag read Reyna. "Yes."

"Okay, your total is $3.50."

After handing her a five-dollar bill and putting the change in the tip jar, I stood on the other side of the counter to wait for my order and scrolled through my phone as the next person came up and ordered. It didn't take long, which I was more or less thankful for, but when I turned around, I ran right into someone's back and almost dropped my coffee.

"Whoa! I'm so sorry!"

I instinctively looked down to make sure I didn't spill anything, or that the person I ran into didn't spill anything, and when I finally looked up to apologize to their face, I froze and almost dropped my coffee anyway.

There was no fucking way.

"Hey, Stranger," he said almost nervously, his cheeks flushed.

I wasn't sure when I actually answered, but it seemed like forever because I was just so shocked that I actually fucking saw him again. I truly didn't think in a million years I would live in a moment like this, but there I was, taking in this man in all his beautiful glory.

He was more dressed up than the last time I saw him, maybe for work, or maybe that's just how he dressed sometimes. Whatever the case, I didn't give a shit because it was hot as hell. The color of his corduroy jacket was the same as his eyes, which now that I could see him in better lighting were lighter than I remembered. Under it was a white dress shirt and some type of olive green vest. His hair was still messy and downright tug-able, light curls framing parts of his face. Which was currently in the process of taking me in as well.

I smiled at him, though I wasn't sure if it was coming off as too excited, revealing myself to him, or if it was underwhelming. Or maybe it was just right?

Oh, who cares, Y/N, just fucking say something back!

"Hey, yourself. I... can't believe I ran into you again."

My stomach flipped at the way he smiled back at me, like he was almost nervous to be in my presence. Like I would have shooed him away rather than acknowledge him. He was fucking nervous and I found it incredibly endearing. It was such a contrast to... that night. Once he gained confidence, he was really something... But even now he still was really something, just in a different way, as he visibly tried to find the right words to say.

Finally, he settled on, "Yeah, I... I didn't think I'd see you again. It's... a nice surprise."

Understatement of the century, I thought as I waited for him to speak again. His voice was so... I didn't know how to describe it, other than to say it was so fitting for him, and therefore it was perfect.

Was that weird? Was I being weird?

"Do, um... Do you want to sit down?" I offered, gesturing to the tables on the other side of the café.

"Oh, I don't want to keep you if you're busy, I—"

"Nah, I had nothing going on today, trust me." I gave him a wink as we started making our way to the sitting area. "Besides, Stranger, if we're gonna keep meeting like this, I'm gonna need to at least know your name, don't you think?"

He laughed a little before shrugging, waiting until we sat down across from each other to respond. "I don't know, I... I think I like hearing you call me Stranger. It has a nice ring to it."

We both took a sip from our drinks, our eyes never losing their contact. By the way his face turned even redder, I would have thought he'd look away first, but he didn't. I had to wonder if he didn't look away because he didn't want to, or if he couldn't. Either way, I liked it.

"So, Stranger, tell me..." I said, setting my drink down and folding my hands over the table. "You been thinking about me as much as I've been thinking about you lately?"

I could tell he hadn't been expecting that question, because for a second it looked like he was choking on his drink. He coughed before setting it down, though his hand never left the cup. "I— Y—you've been thinking about me?"

Suddenly remembering the note in my pocket, I scrambled to get it out. And as he looked at me, still shocked but a little puzzled now, too, I started to wonder if maybe it was a stupid idea. But there was no stopping it, now, because that would have been even more puzzling, not to mention embarrassing on my part.

I un-crumpled the note and held it in my hands, outward so he could see his handwriting. "I've been staring at this thing and carrying it around with me everywhere in my pocket for the past week, dude."

It looked like he was trying to hide a smile, and failing miserably at it. "So... Leaving the note was a good idea, then, huh?"

I smiled, though trying to hide it wasn't even an option. "Well, it certainly got me thinking about putting a name to the face... and the body... But in all honesty I think I would have been thinking about you regardless."

He studied me for a moment, and an unfamiliar feeling in my stomach just about sucker-punched me at the way he did it, his face softening and just getting lost in thought. Or me, though I didn't want to flatter myself. Even still, the thought of him being completely lost in my presence, in my just being here, discussing our brief past, was enough to tighten the knot in my stomach.

I couldn't tell if I liked that feeling or not.

Because while my body certainly seemed to like this uncharted territory, something tugged at the pant leg of my brain like a small child, looking up at me and saying with sad eyes that they wanted to leave and go home, back to the comfort and safety of what they already knew. And who was I to deny that?

But at the same time, I couldn't for the life of me let this man go. I wanted, ached to know more about him.

I was intoxicated, and it scared the ever-loving fuck out of me.

"Can I tell you my name?" His voice almost made me jump.

I considered it for a moment, before ultimately deciding that it would be a good small step to take. "Yes."

"Will you tell me your name?"

"Maybe."

We both smiled at each other for a few seconds before an idea came to my mind. He was about to tell me his name right then I think, but I held up my hand and leaned forward, tilting my chin up a little. "You know what... Before you tell me, I wanna know something... Have you ever fucked anyone in a public restroom?"

If he'd had any coffee in his mouth, it surely would have been all over the place right then. Instantly his eyes widened and he looked around the room as his cheeks flushed redder than I'd ever seen them. "What are you doing?" he gushed out really fast, almost refusing to look me in the eye.

"Giving you a deal. No one uses the restrooms here because people are always rushing in and out to grab coffee, or there's hardly anyone here to use them anyway. Bottom line is: we can easily be inconspicuous. So here's what I'm offering."

"This isn't a good idea—"

"You don't have to agree, obviously, but hear me out."

I waited for further resistance, but he just blinked at me, and I took that as my cue. "I'm gonna get up and walk to the women's room. You'll follow me after about a minute, and if you can make me cum twice then we can exchange names and numbers."

"We... We can do that without the exhibitionism, though, you know that, right?" He spoke as if anyone would be able to hear him if he wasn't quiet enough.

"Of course. But... I really haven't been able to stop thinking about you, and judging by the way you're shifting in your seat I can tell you're strongly considering taking me up on my offer. Because you haven't been able to stop thinking about me, either. And you really want to fuck me again, probably almost as much as I want to fuck you again. So what do you say?"

He still didn't speak, only stared at me, which left me to wonder what he was thinking. If anything, he almost looked a little petrified, so last minute I decided to take a little pity on him.

"Okay, new plan. I'm still going to go into the bathroom and wait a minute for you, two tops. I am gonna give you this, though..." I grabbed a napkin, a pen from my bag, and wrote my number down on it before sliding it to his side of the table. "I'll wait for you. If you don't want to go through with this, you can leave. But then you're gonna call me later, and we'll set a date to meet up if you want. How's that sound?"

I think he was completely overwhelmed by my ultimatum, because he still didn't say anything. Though this time he seemed... awed. Not necessarily as embarrassed as he was before, but more enchanted with the idea of what I was offering, the way I presented everything to him.

Figuring that was a good sign, I winked at him and made it a point to walk to the bathroom as seductively as I could without being too obvious.

Though, the further I got, and the longer I waited in the bathroom, the more I wondered if he'd already left the café. And then it started to dawn on me that I might have acted like an asshole, giving ultimatums to a man who was just trying to tell me his name. Why couldn't I have just let him tell me? We were right there, and I had to go ahead and turn it into a fucking game... And for what? So I could get laid? The thing is, I was so sure he liked me enough that after he told me his name we probably could have gone somewhere private and—

The door opened, and I was about to yell at whoever it was that someone was in the room already, but then I saw his face and felt myself relax.

"Hey, I'm... I'm sorry if I pressured you into doing this," I said sincerely, as he locked the door behind him. "We really don't have to if you don't want, I was... I was just trying to... I don't know, be mysterious or something? Which, I guess I can be, but I promise I'm not usually like this, and—"

"Hey, it's alright. I promise. Now... I don't mean to change the subject so quickly, but I do believe I owe you two orgasms. And I don't want us to get caught, so I'd like to get to it if you don't mind."

Holy fucking shit..

"You really know how to get a girl to shut up, Stranger," I said, grabbing him by the jacket and pulling him to me. I looked up into his eyes and smirked, walking us backwards until I hit the counter, just beside the sink. "How fast do you think you can get me there?"

A small smirk twitched at his lips before he surprisingly lifted me up and promptly sat me on the counter. "Depends... You gonna keep talking or are you going to let me do my job?"

The low tone in his voice was unlike anything I'd heard from him thus far, and it lit this fire in me that I didn't know I had. With a small, involuntary moan, I spread my legs wide and let him stand between them. He pulled me in for a long, hot kiss before dropping to the ground and wiggling me out of my pants. He ended up taking off my shoes, too, so he could slip my pants and underwear off my body completely. No sooner than they hit the floor did he get to work, his hands coming up to spread my legs once again, propping my heels up on his shoulders.

Unfortunately I couldn't keep myself from moaning out as he worked my pussy with his mouth, each long, wet drag of his tongue adding fuel to the fire he'd already kindled within me. I tried to bite my fist, hoping it would muffle some of the sounds, but it wasn't working.

I was thinking about calling the whole thing off and going somewhere we wouldn't get in trouble, when he seemed to have another idea.

Before I knew what was happening, my panties were shoved in my mouth, and my eyes were rolling to the back of my head as he slipped a finger inside of me with ease. In no time I felt my orgasm creeping up on me, every pump of his fingers and every quick, meticulous flick of his tongue on my clit getting faster and faster with each passing second. I shrieked into the ball of fabric as quietly as I could manage as I started to fall, clenching and shaking around him in record time.

Once I relaxed, he pulled himself away from me and stood up, licking his fingers clean and working at his belt as I stared at him with pleading eyes. I wanted to take the panties out of my mouth, but I knew that if I did I probably wouldn't be able to keep quiet. And the fact that he'd put them there in the first place, after so clearly being flustered at my suggestion to go have a quick fuck in a public restroom, completely turned me on and made me want him even more.

I did manage a pretty decent moan when he finally came forward and lined himself up with my waiting pussy. He smiled a little before leaning forward, never entering me but running his dick over it, coating himself with my arousal. He leaned his head in and brushed my hair from my neck before kissing it, and even softly biting me. If it was going to leave bruises, I didn't care. I welcomed every kiss, every lick and bite, and every slow, excruciating drag of his cock along my pussy.

He slid the tip of himself into me for a second before pulling out and moving my face with his hand, gripping my jaw and making me look at him. I whimpered at the loss of contact where I was clenching around nothing, patiently waiting for him, and also at the gain of our eye contact. I genuinely had no idea what he was going to do next, but I hoped it involved some semblance of a repeat of last time.

But once again, he surprised me, leaning forward and bringing his mouth to mine, ripping the panties from my mouth using his own. He leaned back, the pale blue fabric hanging from his teeth, and the sight drove me absolutely wild. It didn't help that he kept them in his mouth as he slapped my clit with his dick, and it took everything I had not to moan obscenely. He could tell, too, because he brought a hand to cover my mouth right as he pushed into me and held himself there.

He tossed his head to the side and dropped my panties on the ground, then ran his hands along the insides of my legs and rested them on my thighs. "I'll keep going as long as you keep quiet."

"You probably should have kept the panties in my mouth, then," I breathed, clenching myself around him and feeling him grip my skin tighter.

"Guess you'll just have to try and be quiet like a good girl, then, won't you?"

The whimper that escaped me was utterly pathetic. And I loved it.

Needing this to get going now, I reached forward and grabbed his hips, urging him to start moving, and thankfully he did. It was slow at first as we both just savored the feeling of being together like this again.

But in a matter of seconds all pleasantries were thrown out the window, and he slid his hands up to grip my waist as he pounded into me as quietly as he could. To ensure the skin-on-skin slapping wasn't too loud, he kept his thrusts short and staccato, but incredibly deep, setting my insides on fire and making me clutch onto the back of his ass for dear life. I tried so hard not to yell out that I was pretty sure my nails broke through his skin. He hissed out sharply, confirming that I was hurting him, so I let him go and opted to for gripping his shirt instead. I drew him closer, that way I could kiss him and feel all of him at once.

I might have also needed to find some way to keep myself quiet.

I moaned into his mouth as he kissed me back, every swipe of his tongue somehow managing to perfectly find a rhythm in tandem with his thrusts, despite how rushed and sloppy we were being.

It wasn't long before I felt myself start to fall apart, my hands clutching onto his jacket for dear life as my stomach started to knot. "Gonna cum, gonna cum," I murmured into his mouth, and he pulled away to kiss my neck.

My arms wrapped around him and pulled him as close to me as room would allow, right as my eyes squeezed shut and I saw stars, my second orgasm quick and intense. I mumbled little 'uh-huh's into his mouth as he fucked me through it, and when I was done, he pulled out, leaving me dazed but also confused.

It looked like it pained him to pull his pants up and tuck his still-hard dick away, so I reached out. "Why didn't you finish? We're in a bathroom, I can clean up just fine..."

"My orgasm wasn't part of the deal," he stated simply, straightening his clothes and trying to get comfortable.

"So, what, you're just going to walk around town with a boner?"

"No. It'll go away soon, I'll be fine." Once his clothes were all the way on, he reached into his jacket pocket, handed me a slip of paper—a business card it looked like—and kissed me quickly one more time. "Besides, the next time I cum inside you, I'd like to hear you saying my name."

And then he walked out of the bathroom without another word, grabbing my panties and shoving them in his jacket pocket as an afterthought before he disappeared.

I don't think I moved for a good minute or two before I finally looked down at the card and read his note. He must have written it down before he came in here.

Y/N, I heard them call your name at open mic night, and that's when I knew. I'm free tomorrow night. I hope you'll call. —Stranger

I turned the card over and saw his number, followed by his name.

Dr. Spencer Reid.

***

The second I got home, I ran to the bathroom and fixed my... problem... I wanted so badly back in the café to finish what I started, but I'd meant what I told her. I'd sighed her name out as I touched myself the few times since I'd met her, and I could only imagine what it would finally sound like to hear her say my name. I knew she could already tear me apart at her touch, but I wanted desperately to know if my name on her tongue would have the same effect.

I was almost positive it would, but I just needed to know.

It surprisingly didn't take long for me to finish, just the mere thought of her face and the way she looked at me as I shoved her underwear in her mouth enough to take me to the edge. And finally, when I felt them practically bruning a hole in my pocket, I tensed and sighed out her name, cum spilling out over my hand and into the toilet.

The orgasm should have calmed me down, should have relaxed me, but instead, as I cleaned up and changed into different clothes, I wondered if she would actually call me.

First of all, it was a wonder I'd ran into her at all. Truthfully, I didn't think I was ever going to see her again, and when I heard her voice call out an apology for bumping into me, I really thought I was dreaming. And yet, there she was, right in front of me in all her beautiful glory.

So when she offered to sit down with me, I couldn't say no. And when she asked, You been thinking about me as much as I've been thinking about you lately? ... I was pretty sure I couldn't breathe. I didn't tend to think of myself as the type of guy who would leave that good of an impression, so hearing her of all people say that sent my heart—and stomach—into a mess of flutters.

And though the confidence I had in my ability to flirt with women in any capacity was very slim, I must have done something right. Because when I picked up the phone later that night and heard a low, "Hey, Stranger," through the speaker, I couldn't stop smiling. "Or should I call you Doctor?"

***

"YN... I'm really glad you called."

Hearing him say my name for the first time did something to me I couldn't explain. The way he said it was innocent enough, but it still made me beam with excitement.

I was curled up on my couch, wrapped in a robe after my shower and having been contemplating whether or not to call all afternoon.

I didn't want to wait too long in case he ended up making other plans or something, but I was also apprehensive. Because as much as I wanted to keep seeing Spencer, I wasn't sure I could handle breaking his heart. That's what always happened, didn't it? I started seeing someone, things would be great for the first few months, and then as they fell more in love with me I fell more out of love with them. But even then I wasn't sure I could call it that, because I never fell in love with them in the first place. Not even gotten close to it.

Would... Spencer be different? It was hard to tell. He'd already made me feel things I'd never felt before, so maybe this time would be different.

Or maybe that would just make it hurt even more when I inevitably pushed him away.

But I didn't want to think about that. All I knew in the moment was that he intrigued me, and for the first time in my life I actually wanted to to be near him almost every second of the day. Even when I wasn't thinking about him, my body was buzzing with the aftermath of him. His entire being was so magnetic that I couldn't help but be drawn to him. Even if, ultimately, I knew it would end with one or both of us in shambles, I wanted it. I wanted him more than anything, to be with him, to see him smile, to hear him talk...

That little kid that was tugging on my pant leg earlier, warning me that it was time to go home, was screaming now. Scared for its life and begging for me to turn back.

And for some reason, against my better judgement, I ignored it.

"You really knew my name the whole time and didn't tell me?"

From the pause on the other end of the line, I could tell he must have been nervous. I could see him in my head, looking down at his twitching hands as he tried to find some explanation. "Um... Well, you said you didn't want to know names, so I... thought I'd keep quiet. I hope you're not mad about that..."

I smiled. "No, I'm not mad. It was nice of you." I paused a beat before changing the subject. "So, uh... Tomorrow night..."

"Oh... Yeah, I travel quite a bit for work, and I don't get many days off, but tomorrow night is the only time I'm free for a while. So I guess it was a good thing I ran into you when I did."

"Hmm... I guess you're right. In that case, I should probably take it easy on you. Wouldn't want to wear you out or anything."

He laughed a little, and warmth bloomed in my chest at the sound. I imagined seeing him smile, which made it fully blossom. "No need. You... You could wear me out any day."

"Careful what you wish for, Stranger. Time and place?"

"I can be by your place at 6? I'll even bring food if you want."

I paused, suddenly reminded of the screaming child again. This time it was yelling, "It's not safe! Don't let him in, please!"

But God damn it, I wanted to so bad...

"Uh, sure," I finally answered, playing with the hem of my robe anxiously. "You... remember where it is? As I recall, you were pretty nervous the last time you were here, and kind of occupied with... other things."

"Oh, I—I remember everything, pretty much. I know where to go, it's okay."

He didn't elaborate. I kind of wanted him to, but figured the less I knew about him the better. I was invested in him enough already, and knowing more would just plunge me in deeper than I was comfortable with. So, I told him, "Alright. If you need directions or anything though, let me know. Should I be... wearing anything in particular when you get here, Doctor?"

The line was silent, and I could picture that little shocked expression on his face, the one he got every time I said something suggestive that he wasn't expecting. It was cute. "A—Anything you want will be fine..."

I laughed and bit my lip, leaning back into the couch. "Okay... See you later then. Tomorrow night, 6PM."

"Tomorrow night. 6PM. Goodnight, Y/N."

My face felt warm and my stomach fluttered as I curled into myself and smiled into the phone. "Goodnight, Spencer."

What surprised me most about that night was that I didn't hang up right after. I waited. And waited, until he hung up, just in case he said anything else. And I think he was in the same mindset, because we sat in silence for a good fifteen seconds before I finally hung up, shaking my head and wondering if he thought that was weird.

As it turns out, he didn't.

About ten minutes later, as I was getting into bed, I got a text message that read: I hope you know that I always have your song stuck in my head. The one from the bar. I hope you'll sing to me again one day.

I promptly sent back: If you're a good boy for me tomorrow, I just might, and set my phone on my dresser, ignoring the way my heart swelled at his sentiment.

Sleep didn't come easily that night. And when I did finally drift off, my dreams were about Spencer.

***

Usually I was decently confident when it came to my 'date' outfits. I knew what looked good on me, and I knew what made other people go, "Holy shit," under their breath when they saw me, so it should have been easy. And to some degree it was, but with all these weird feelings I was having lately, I was second-guessing myself.

But no matter how badly I second-guessed my decision, I stuck with what I knew best, wearing a thin black long-sleeved shirt with a low neckline and form-fitting jeans that flared at the bottom. A necklace with a silver diamond that matched my belly-button ring sat nicely at my chest, right above my cleavage. I opted to leave my hair down in long, loose curls that curled away from my face, and framed my eyes with simple black eyeliner and mascara, leaving my lips alone with a peppermint chap stick. Remembering how Spencer had complimented and basically worshipped my hands, I accented them with a deep purple nail polish that almost looked black if there wasn't any light shining on them. I put on a few rings that matched my other body jewelry and wore a thin, braided rope bracelet that my sister made me for my thirteenth birthday. Since I didn't think we were going anywhere, I only wore black ankle-length socks, but kept a pair of simple black heeled boots by the door in case we did decide to leave.

As for my... undergarments, I chose a nice black lace set that I only brought out on rare occasions, and I felt like it fit. The material was sheer and lacy, and that was about it. It was simple, but sexy, and that's what I loved about it. And if I knew Spencer's taste as well as I thought I did, I was pretty sure he would love it, too.

And that fact alone was enough to snap me out of my worry.

Kind of. I mean, he was still coming to my apartment, and I was almost certain that he was going to look around and probably ask some questions about things. Which, normally wouldn't be a bad thing, and in a way it really wasn't, but it still made me nervous...

I just hoped that I could keep him occupied enough so that I wouldn't have to deal with it too much.

There was a knock at my door, and I was thankful, finally pulled out of my head and into the world around me. I got up and opened the door with a smile, leaning against it slightly and taking him in.

"Hey, Stranger," I drawled, giving him a wink as I stepped aside to let him in.

But he didn't come in. Not until he was done taking me in, of course. "You... Wow, uh, hi," he stammered, holding out a bag that had to be takeout. "You look great."

As he walked in, I shut the door behind him and looked at his backside before he turned around. "Speak for yourself."

He took off his shoes, which revealed one red striped sock and one purple and blue polkadotted one, which made me smile. He wore simple grey corduroy pants and a purple sweater that matched my nail polish almost perfectly. His hair was just as perfect as it was the last two times I saw him, rightfully messy and curly that made me want to skip dinner all together and get right to dessert.

I even told him as much.

"You're kinda making me want to skip dinner."

"Oh, we... We can eat after if you want to, I don't mind," he offered kindly. It was sweet.

I laughed and walked up to him, bringing my right hand up to run my fingers through his hair. Then I leaned up and kissed him hotly on the lips for a few seconds before pulling away and letting out a low 'hmmm'. "Probably a good idea, but I'm starving."

I turned and started to the kitchen, throwing back over my shoulder, "That okay with you?"

"Y—Yeah, of course."

I turned on the light above the table before pulling out a chair for him with a smile. "I didn't really eat much today, so takeout sounded really good. I hope you didn't have to go too far out of your way to grab it, otherwise I could have made something here."

He sat down and I went to the other side of the kitchen to grab forks and plates. "Oh! No, it was alright, it was on the way over. Plus, I guess I don't really mind the travel, since I already do so much of it."

"Right, you mentioned that," I confirmed, taking a seat across from him. My dining room table was small, since my apartment wasn't that big. Even sitting across from one another, if Spencer and I reached our arms out across the table, we would have been able to reach each other's shoulders.

"Hey, do you want anything to drink?" I asked. "I've got some white whine in the fridge, otherwise I also have water, milk, and I think some Sprite."

"Oh, uh... Water is fine, thank you."

As I got up to get it, he got out the food. "Not a drinker?" I wondered aloud, grabbing glasses and the pitcher of water from the fridge.

"Not really. I'll have one on occasion, but if I'm driving I like to steer clear."

So, he wasn't planning on staying the night, then... Ultimately that was a good thing, but a small part of me admittedly felt disappointed. Regardless, I didn't let it show. "Makes sense. I don't drink a lot either, but I've been known to have a good time occasionally. And I always need white wine in the house, that's a rule of mine."

I didn't see his smile, but I could feel it. Was that weird? Feeling a smile? I'd never been able to tell, never noticed that before, but right then I just knew it was there.

But maybe it was just the way he said, "Fair enough," that made me certain.

Whatever the case, I shook the feeling and made my way back to the table with full glasses of water.

We ate with few words between us, though occasionally Spencer would throw out a random fact about the origins of the food we ate, or we exchanged small stories of both of our inabilities to use chopsticks. It was nice, being able to eat with him and not have to talk about where I was from or what my family was like. I never liked sharing that much of myself with someone that soon, let alone at all, so I was thankful for the ease our conversation carried.

Though, at one point he asked, "So, you're a musician? Is it full-time?" And it stopped me in my tracks a little. I loved music, and I was definitely passionate about it, but again, it was so personal to me that for some reason my brain kept sending me signals to turn around and change the subject.

But it was an innocent question. And I used music to my advantage all the time, it wasn't a secret that I was good at it, so I could give him an answer. And I knew that I didn't have to tell him anything I didn't want to, so I just needed to get my shit together and stop worrying. I had to remind myself that not everyone was going to use the things I tell them to hurt me. Truthfully I don't know why I was so paranoid by that, because it never happened, but I chalked it up to just looking for any excuse to keep myself closed off.

I brushed off all the discomfort and doubt I had, and took a drink of water before answering truthfully. "It's not full-time, but I think I'd like it to be. I definitely love it enough, but whether I could handle the stress of being a full-time musician or not is... well, it has yet to be seen."

"Do you write your own songs?"

"Mhm. Have been since I could talk, really. But whenever I perform it's usually covers that everyone knows. Easier to get them excited, anyway."

Spencer smiled, leaning forward a little. "You know, actually I'd never heard the song you sang at the bar that night... That was a cover?"

"Yeah. You don't listen to the radio?"

"Not really. If it all sounds like that, I may have to start, though I'm pretty sure it's not."

I laughed a little. "You'd be right about that... Still, the radio has its merits. I'm a fan of more independent stuff myself, but I keep up to date with what's new. Kinda have to."

"Why's that?"

I chewed my lip for a moment before answering. "Well, I don't do it full-time since I have a day job, but on the side I've helped with writing and producing other peoples' stuff, and a lot of it is what you hear on the radio, so..."

"Oh, that's really cool," he mused, and his eyes gave away that he genuinely seemed impressed. I almost blushed at the sight. "Y'know, I'm sure if you did decide that you could handle the stress of being a full-time musician, everyone would love you."

I laughed again. "You've never even heard my stuff."

"I don't need to," he answered truthfully. "I've heard you sing, you're incredible. And you know how to produce and write music. And, if it's good enough to be on the radio, then I know you've got nothing to worry about."

He could have just been saying that to be nice, and if it wasn't so clearly written on his face that he really believed what he was telling me, I would have thought so. Heat crept up to my cheeks, and I smiled, telling him, "Thank you," before taking another drink of water to cool myself off.

We spent the rest of the meal talking about some of our favorite music, which was a nice way to end it. We had a decent discussion about classical music (He was surprised and I think a little turned on by the fact that I knew a lot of what he was talking about in that department), and as we cleaned up the dishes he happily told me about the story behind one of my favorite classical pieces (which I didn't know and was more than glad to learn).

And while we were on the subject of music, I took him over to my piano when we finished cleaning up, which sat under the only window in the main room of the apartment. The sun was setting, casting a soft orange glow over the sleek black of the piano. Since it was a small apartment, I couldn't have a 'fancy' piano like I wanted, so it was an electric one with a few settings to change the sound. I never messed around with it though, unless I was working on something for someone else. But even then, I did that work with other people in the studio, and not at home.

"Here, sit next to me," I said, patting the small space on the bench.

We barely fit together, but it gave us an excuse to be close to each other, which I think he liked. I know I liked it, at least.

"Are you gonna play something?" he asked. "I mean, you don't have to of course, I don't want to make you or put pressure on you or anything, but..."

"I wouldn't have brought you here if I wasn't going to play you something, Stranger," I said with a laugh, turning the piano on and nudging him with my shoulder. "Though, if you don't want me to, I can think of a few other things I could do for you instead..."

I looked up at him to see his face in a flush, and I smiled, my stomach knotting in that unfamiliar way again.

"Um... Maybe when you're done playing," he said finally, reaching out to ghost over the keys with his fingers.

"Do you play?" I asked, suddenly very warm, and turned on at the idea of watching his hands work around a piano.

"A little. I... I don't know much, but I'm a fast learner."

With a small smile, I grabbed his hand and placed his fingers over certain keys to make a chord. "There. Press all of those together," I told him.

He did, and a smile broke out on his face.

"C Minor," I said. "My favorite chord."

"You have a favorite chord?"

"What, you don't?"

"I... never really thought about it."

We laughed together for a few seconds before he played the chord again, this time tapping the pedal underneath to make it ring out longer. I looked up at him with a smile, right as he looked down at me with an even bigger one. And if I didn't know any better, I'd say we got closer, even though that was impossible unless I'd sat on him. Which I didn't do. Not right then at least.

No, I cleared my throat and messed around with a few keys, trying to decide what to play. Spencer removed his hands from the keyboard as I did it, and I could feel his eyes watching my movements. The thought sent more warmth through me, and I decided to go with something familiar.

My fingers settled on the right keys and started playing the chords to Wildest Dreams. And when I started singing, I swear I felt him melt beside me. It was different from the guitar performance, because at the piano I made it sweeter. My vocals weren't as strong, and I slowed it down to make sure I got everything perfect, but made it a point to look over to him occasionally, winking as I sang some rather sultry lyrics.

When I was done, I couldn't tell what he was thinking. He looked down at me, his eyes studying my face like he was going to kiss me, but he leaned away from me, like he was deciding against it. Finally though, he spoke.

"While I appreciate the performance, it completely juxtaposes the text you sent me last night."

I really didn't know what to say, mostly because I was having a hard time remembering what I texted. I would have been able to remember any other time, but in the moment I was just too entranced by his presence and the way he was staring at me. "W—What did I say?"

My hand was still on the piano, but I felt his reach out and lightly brush over it, caressing the lengths of my fingers. "You said you might sing for me if I was good for you... We haven't done anything yet, and you still sang for me anyway."

Oh, that...

I smiled, sliding my hand out from under his and dragging my middle finger along his own, up and then back down, over and over again. "Didn't you know that I can see the future?"

He looked amused. "Oh, really?"

"Mhmm..." I kept drawing lines up his middle finger, but leaned in closer to him. "And just before you got here, I saw that you made me cum three times."

He took a moment before leaning in closer and responding, his voice barely above a whisper. "You and your ultimatums..."

"It wasn't an ultimatum. It was the future."

Our faces got closer...

"Oh, okay. I believe you."

...And closer...

"Good."

My eyes fluttered closed as he kissed me, gently and with a care that was practically butterfly-inducing. I leaned into him further, finally moving my hand up his arm and snaking up to grab his hair. As his lips parted and his tongue gently swiped over my bottom lip, I climbed up onto his lap, placing my hands around his head to anchor myself to him. He used his to grab the piano in front of him, pushing us forward a little so we wouldn't fall off the bench. The mess of notes rung out loudly in the air, much like they had the day before, right before I went to the café and ran into him.

The coincidence of it all almost made me laugh, but the humor quickly dissipated before I could, because Spencer brought one of his hands to my lower back and groaned softly into my mouth.

I moaned right back, shifting my hips slightly so that I was straddling one of his legs. He spread them wider to give me more room, and I settled nicely, grinding down and almost whining at how little friction there was between the corduroy that adorned his leg and the denim that adorned mine. That didn't stop me, though. I rode his thigh as well as I could, relishing in the way his hand pushed me further into him and his kisses got deeper and more desperate.

Eventually, though, I had enough. I pulled my mouth away from his and clumsily got off of him, standing up and unbuttoning my jeans. He turned around and reached out to help, but I put a hand on his chest and pushed him back. "Stay right there. I'm gonna finish what I started, but I need to get these damn pants off first."

He didn't argue. I held eye contact with him up until I slowly tugged my pants down and stepped out of them, lifting up my shirt a little so he could see the underwear I was wearing. As expected, his eyes wandered south, and I could have sworn I saw his pupils dilate.

But I didn't give him a lot of time to take them in. I made good on my promise and climbed up on his lap again, wrapping my arms around his neck and biting my lip as I started to ride his thigh once more. I started off slow, pressing my forehead to his and enjoying how it felt when his hands firmly grabbed onto my ass. Our lips met again, slowly and yet, also just as desperate as they had before. And with each antagonizing slow roll of my hips, his kisses got bolder, and his hands kneaded my ass, urging me to go faster.

Thankfully for him, I was feeling just as desperate as he was. So I quickened my movements on his thigh and kissed him harder, taking his bottom lip in between my teeth and tugging it before tilting my head to the other side and kissing him again. Meanwhile I could feel that burning in my lower stomach that signaled a fast-approaching orgasm. So I ground myself onto him even harder and whined in his mouth, just before pulling away to speak.

"Fuck, I'm gonna cum already," I breathed, pressing small kisses to his jaw.

Spencer squeezed my ass and leaned into my touch. "Go ahead, Y/N..."

It wasn't like he was giving me permission, but just hearing him say my name regardless sent me over the edge, and in no time I was shaking around his leg, clenching my own around him and clinging to his neck for dear life.

Once I came down, I sighed and smiled into his neck, kissing it and moving up to his ear. "Two more to go."

What he said next threw me completely off guard.

"No."

It wasn't a command, or a threat. It was a matter-of-fact statement. I pulled away and looked at him, puzzled. "What?"

He only smirked. "You said I was going to make you cum three times... You did that one all on your own."

The sultry, cocky way he said it made me melt, and I knew then that I was in some serious trouble.

The first time he made me cum was right there on the piano bench. He insisted that I sit down while he eat me out, and I wasn't one to complain. However, he did drag it out so long that by the time I actually came, it felt like I'd done it a thousand times over.

So, to give myself a little break, I returned the favor, and we made it to the kitchen before I couldn't wait any longer and promptly decided to suck him off while he leaned back against the counter. I took the same courtesy he had in dragging it out, pulling off of him completely right as he was about to cum, and I absolutely melted into a pile of nothing upon hearing how he whined and panted while I did it.

I did that in about five long, excruciating cycles before he told me it was my turn and dragged me into my bedroom.

The second time I came, he fucked me against the door, one of my legs standing on the ground while the other lifted and rested on my dresser. He didn't waste any time, just pushing my panties aside and fucking me hard and fast. And fast it was. It only took about a minute before I was convulsing around him, every nerve I had set on fire.

He let me have one more break, laying me down on the bed and taking his time stripping off the rest of my clothes. He must have spent a solid half hour just licking, biting, and teasing my breasts, his hand occasionally reaching down to graze my clit for a few strokes before returning to touch the rest of me. All the while, he slowly rutted against my thigh, moaning into my skin when he got close and stopping his movements all together for about a minute before continuing.

But I was growing impatient and squirmy. So I grabbed his face, pulled him up to kiss me, and wrapped my legs around his waist.

"Fuck me, Spencer, please," I begged, kissing his jaw and shivering at the way he whimpered hearing his name fall from my lips.

He adjusted us for a moment before sliding into me slowly, and we both let out some of the most filthy sounds I'd ever heard. Every movement and sound we made from then on was frantic, desperate, and so full of need that I was almost positive I wasn't even alive anymore. Was I even ever alive at all? Did life exist?

"I can't... I'm go—gonna..."

Spencer suddenly coming to a halt and coming inside me was all I could feel, and it brought me back to my senses. I breathed out his name as he continued emptying everything he had into me, just like he'd admitted to me that he wanted back in the coffee shop. I was close myself, but with his halted movements, I didn't get there.

As I moved one of my hands down to rub my clit, he grabbed my wrist and pinned it above my head, pulling out and then plunging back into me, causing me to gasp.

"That's my job, angel," he murmured sweetly, just as he began slowly fucking his cum into me.

If I wasn't already in trouble, that would have destroyed me.

It didn't take long before I was crying out his name and orgasming for the fourth time that night. It was the most powerful one I'd had... well, ever, if I was being honest. My back gradually lifted off the bed and my eyes were screwed so tightly it felt like they were bruising.

But God be damned if I didn't want to experience that whole feeling over and over again for the rest of my life.

He stayed there for a moment, leaning over me and brushing the softest kisses to my temple as we caught our breaths. Eventually, though, and I wasn't sure how long exactly we'd been wrapped up in each other, he pulled out and laid beside me. And if it wasn't for his cum dripping out of me, I would have probably fallen asleep right there and been happy.

As if he was able to read my mind, Spencer sat up and brushed some of the hair from my face. "I'll go get something to clean you up real quick. Don't move."

I giggled, feeling light-headed and completely blissful as I caught him in our afterglow, taking in his beauty and basking in it like the sun. "I wouldn't go anywhere even if I could."

It wasn't until he came back and started cleaning between my legs with a warm washcloth that I realized what I said.

It took even longer for me to realize that he'd grabbed and put back on his underwear and pants.

As he tossed the washcloth into the laundry basket in the corner of my room, I sat up and reached for his sweater, slipping it on before he could say otherwise. It smelled like him and fit just right, which made me feel all warm and happy.

"Did you, um... want me to stay?" he asked softly not stepping any closer.

Yes.

"It, uh... would probably be better if you left. But... You can stay for an hour or two before you go home?"

Of course it was only a suggestion, because I couldn't make him do anything. But I asked it like a question, because I really wanted him to stay, just for a little bit longer if he couldn't stay the whole night.

Spencer nodded, smiling, and looking a little relieved if I was reading him right. "You should try to go to the bathroom first. Urination after sex is essential to prevent UTIs."

Smiling, I got up from the bed and kissed him on the cheek before grabbing a pair of clean underwear from my drawer and walking to the bathroom.

When I came back with a freshly washed face, my jewelry discarded, and feeling refreshed and ready to fall asleep, he was laying on my bed with his eyes closed and his arms crossed over his bare chest. Thinking better of it, I took off his sweater and threw it at him before rummaging through my drawers for a night shirt of my own.

"You could have kept it on," he said quietly, even as he put the shirt back on himself.

I shrugged, slipping on a large brown tee-shirt and climbing into bed under the covers. "You can't go home without a shirt."

"Right..." He sounded a little sad, but maybe I was just imagining it.

I rolled over on my side and looked at him, already feeling myself start to drift off. But I forced my eyes open and reached out to brush my fingertips through his hair. "Will you stay until I fall asleep?"

"Of course," was all he said, a small smile adorning his lips.

I hummed and nestled in closer to him, and his hand came down to rub the inside of my arm.

And as much as I tried to stay awake, just so he would stay longer, inevitably I fell asleep, hearing Spencer humming the melody to my favorite classical piece.

***

My arms stretched out, seeking his warmth even though I knew it wouldn't be there. I told him, made it a point to make sure he knew he had to leave after I fell asleep.

So why did I feel saddened by his disappearance?

I groaned into my pillow and stretched my body, already feeling it ache from all that... strenuous activity from the night before. When I opened my eyes and turned my head, I saw just a glimpse of the sun peeking through the curtains in my bedroom, illuminating what looked like a piece of paper on the other pillow next to me.

I slowly sat up and grabbed it, rubbing my eyes to will myself to read it. I already figured it would be another note from Spencer, but my hear fluttered when I read it nonetheless.

Not sure when I'll be free to meet again, but I'd like to keep in touch— As much as I love when you call me Stranger, I'd prefer to be anything but.

Sweet dreams, — Stranger Spencer

Yeah. I was definitely in trouble.

***

“All my pleasure choked by pain Since I let you get away. I should’ve tied you to the bed When I had you in the flesh. Now I’m chained to the memories.

How the music played loud. How my hair came down. How you kissed my mouth With a fire I can’t put out.

Why does it feel like torture Not to have your skin on mine?”

—Liz Longley, Torture

SERIES TAGLIST: @bluesunrise02 @meowiemari​ @teenwolfgirl90

PERMANENT TAGLIST:  @elldell1204 @muffin-cup @calm-and-doctor @slutforthegubes

(Please let me know if you’d like to be added to either taglist! Thank you!)

#spencer reid x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds smut #spencer reid smut #criminal minds #spencer reid #songbird

[kyberphilosopher]

Tʜᴇ Cᴀɪᴍ

“ Caim (n.) sanctuary; an invisible circle of protection, drawn around the body with the hand, to remind one of being safe and loved, even in the darkest times. “

Word Count: 3893

Requested: no. i saw the idea requested by anon on another account, but the writers requests were closed. 

     .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It seemed that the days were growing longer and longer, but unchanging in what they contained and offered. Time was distinguished to the fullest extent, dragging on in a rhythm-like march that followed you around wherever you traveled. 

It may have been a sort of depression, but the word did not come to mind when you thought about your condition. Stale, angering, stuck, dragging- these words were the ones you thought of instead. Your feelings felt numb, like you were bored of feeling whatever it was. Everything was the same, even when it was different. 

Anakin and Obi-Wan had been tasked with leading their battalion to retake Umbara for what felt like the hundredth time. They had a fair enough plan, strategic though patient. In the early stages, however, Chancellor Palpatine had called the both of them to Coruscant, leaving them to wonder who would move forward to replace them. 

Obi-Wan had initially thought of Plo Koon, who was unflappable and more than capable of commanding troops in a methodical plan. But the General was unavailable. Anakin insisted Rex and Cody could handle it on their own, but upon further thought realized Rex may not have taken well to it. The man was capable and sturdy, but seemed faltered without orders from someone he trusted so much. Granted, he had become less rigid as the war progressed, but he had also become more anguished at times. Ever since that General Krell... Nasty business on Umbara...

Obi-Wan was glad that you had accepted his request.

You were a bit of a mystery to everyone in the Jedi Order. Not in the worst way, by any means, but in the way that made you more observant than others. You spoke when spoken to, and while you didn’t often, when you said something people listened. You were a wise person with a brilliant knack for battle strategy, a stunning way of using your lightsaber, and of course- you weren’t Pong Krell.

So when Obi-Wan asked you, you accepted. You explained you had to finish your mission to fly over Ryloth with your battalion and that you would arrive shortly. The two Jedi explained to you the plan, Anakin with a bit of a charismatic nudge, and then they were on their way. 

It was fine enough. There were times when you wondered about your own Clones, but you knew they were in good hands. The 501st was under your command for the time, you had them to worry about them instead. 

For a month, things were as well as they could’ve been. The plan was on schedule, the clones respected you. You respected them in turn. But as described above, it was all slipping together in the worst way. Your feelings felt like they were aching and sore, cracking like dried dirt. Your muscles twisted in dull agony, eyes becoming less and less impressed with every experience. 

It was terrible. Your theory was that the guilt of the war and the atrocities birthed from it had climbed so high in your gut and your mind that your body made itself numb to everything. There was nothing to be happy over, not much to appreciate. But with the numbness came the blocking of all the bad things as well, and there was nothing you could do but drown in it. 

You felt exhausted, strained, overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. 

So, the days were the same. There was no point in keeping personal track of time. There was no point in having memories. No point in having standards, even. You woke up, you pushed the battalion forward, made progress, checked on the troops, and went to sleep. Sometimes you would train or give a quick report to Obi-Wan, though last time an explosion had stolen your attention midway through. 

Then, one day, it wasn’t the same. It was different. Funny how even something so small can cast a large shadow like that. 

ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ᴏᴋᴀʏ. ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ᴛɪʀᴇᴅ. 

It was written in tight letters, a little messy but still straight and clear. The second period was spaced a little too far away from the letters, almost as if the person had nearly forgotten it. But they wouldn’t have done that. No, they wouldn’t have. The letters, however italicized with sloppiness, are still written carefully. They might’ve been filled with anxiety just to say the words to you, more or less. 

Your thumb rolled over the scrap of paper, admiring the crispness. Someone was looking out for you. It wasn’t an accident, it was outside of your temporary room back at the base. Just by the door. 

Someone was looking out for you. Who would do that? One of the Clones? You knew they respected you. That Captain Rex was always polite enough and continued to prove his worth as an impressive soldier. Commander Cody was more than worthy of his title. And while there was a divide between the Clones and you, perhaps it was possible that one of them had cared about you enough to check in. 

Such a tiny, simple thing it was. It would’ve been silly to obsess over forever, so you didn’t. You obsessed over it for the night. 

Carefully, as if not to damage the little slip of paper, you placed it beside the shelf you slept on. Then you went to sleep after thinking about it, ready to go back to things being the same. 

It wasn’t the same. After you finished defending the perimeter of the base from some aggravated Umbaran’s, you switched your saber off with a twirl. All the same, all the same. Drowning in boredom and dull frustration, circles under your eyes as it all dragged on without the good. 

“General, are you okay?” Rex asked from beside you. You stopped your walking to turn and look at him and Cody, who were standing and sitting at the ready, still dressed in armor head to toe. It looked especially good on them, though you thought the blue fit Rex better. “You’re bleeding,” he said, nudging his head a little. 

You followed his eyes down to your arm. On your left one, around your shoulder but just above the elbow, was a long, scarlet slit. It looked almost purple in the Umbaran light, but it was dripping down nonetheless. One of the opposing soldiers must’ve nicked you. 

“Yes, I’m alright,” you said, still observing the wound. 

“It looks pretty bad, sir,” Rex continued. His arms reach up to remove his helmet and reveal his face. “Maybe you should get that checked out.”

Something brewed in your tummy, something warm that reminded you of your childhood. It felt nice that someone wanted you to be alright, even with something as minor as a scratch. This, and whoever had written you the note last night. While you weren’t so comfortable and felt a bit too tense for your liking, it was nice to hear Rex’s simple words. 

You look back up to meet his amber eyes. They’re golden, sort of brown and shining copper. “Are you two alright?” you venture to ask. Your hand comes to rub your arm, as if brushing fingers against it will wipe the injury away. 

“I thought I was a goner for a second,” Cody sighed. “Would’ve been if not for Rex.”

You looked back to the blue painted soldier with questioning eyes. Rex seems almost flustered for a second, like he’s uncertain about collecting praise. 

“Just doing my duty, sir,” he decides to say after a moment. 

A soft expression overtakes your face. “Experience outranks everything, right?”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

The note was under your door this time. Not beside it. 

ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴛᴀᴋɪɴɢ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ᴏꜰ ʏᴏᴜʀꜱᴇʟꜰ. ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ꜰᴏʀɢᴇᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅɪꜱɪɴꜰᴇᴄᴛ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴀɴᴅᴀɢᴇ. ɢᴇᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʀᴇꜱᴛ.

Your eyes soften as you look over the words. It meant a little more to you this time, lingered a while longer, because you honestly probably would’ve forgotten to disinfect the cut. So while you wrap your gauze around the wound you replay the kindness in your head. 

But it didn’t end there. 

ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ʀᴀᴅɪᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ. ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ᴛᴏ ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙᴀɴᴅᴀɢᴇ.

Again, your thumb rolls over the paper, across the ink. It was dried already by now, but it still felt new and clean. Crisp. 

You tucked the third slip of paper away in a metal box. The other two from the nights before stayed bright and meaningful inside. 

The pattern continued. About 48 hours later, another note arrived. Instead of under your door, it was folded like a tent outside of your door. You noticed the quality of the paper was a bit different, almost better and more thick, but you didn’t mind. You hoped whoever was doing this hadn’t felt you needed such a royal kind of paper, for the words inside were what had mattered most. 

ɪ ꜱᴀᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴍɪʟᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰɪʀꜱᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ. ɪᴛ ᴡᴀꜱ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪꜰᴜʟ. ɪ'ᴍ ɢʟᴀᴅ ᴛᴏ ꜱᴇᴇ ɪᴛ. ɪ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇʟᴘ ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ɪᴛ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʏ.

Your lips turned upward slowly. Your thumbs ran over the paper lovingly, as if it was someones hand and you were appreciating it. It almost felt like a hand. The words were veins. Crinkles were knuckles. Shiny ink was little scars and flecks. 

You thought of the hands of the Clones. Perhaps because they were the ones you had seen the most over the last few weeks. But you could remember one specific set of hands so clearly, even though it was almost the same as his brothers. 

Captain Rex had a white scar across his right palm. Faint and thin, surrounded by callouses from holding his blasters so tightly. You’d seen his palm the one time you’d shook his hand and remembered it from the others because of the little mark. Rex stood out from his brothers. 

You weren’t cruel enough to think all Clones were the same. They were all individuals, with individual brains and personalities and thoughts. Treating them as anything less than people was wrong, and General Krell had payed the price for it. But Rex still stood prominent in your mind. You weren’t sure why. 

It was kind of like he was typed in bold when everyone else was typed in italics. 

You showered that night, which you hadn’t bothered to do in a while. Rinsed your hair with a smile on your face, ran your fingers over your long eyelashes as they dripped with water. You felt more bare than usual somehow, all because of a group of words. It was almost comforting. 

The next morning, your aura was different. Your posture was more straightened, eyes softer, hair shinier and clean. You still felt that same dull tension and thickness in the air, but it wasn’t as harsh today. You had woken up feeling brighter. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

“Good morning, General,” Rex greeted as he approached you. His helmet was tucked under his arm, with Commander Cody at his side. Both their faces were pulled into stern frowns as always, as if they were programmed for seriousness. The few times you had seen these two specific Clones smile had been a bit of a relief to you. 

“Captain. Commander,” you returned. 

“We’re supposed to move out of here soon, right General?” Cody asks. You nod your head. 

“We’re just entering phase 3. We should be done in the next few weeks.”

“Anything you need from us, General?”

You look around, gazing at your soldiers in the indigo light of the system. You could feel how tired and strained they were. It was different from your own strain, more physical. You felt guilty for this, as you were responsible for them, but you knew it would’ve happened with Skywalker and Kenobi anyway. 

“I’m mostly concerned with keeping the men in spirit,” you say with a sigh. Both the men swell with satisfaction at the sound of your voice saying ‘men’. Not Clones. Not numbers. Men. “Anything to try and help that is enough.”

Commander Cody nodded, appreciating the sentiment. “Right away, General,” he said. He turned on his heel and marched off, respect in his identical soldier heart. 

“He’s a good man,” you say as you watch him. The white and golden streaks walk further and further away. 

“He is,” says Rex as he watches him over his shoulder as well. “I’m proud to call him my brother.”

The corner of your lips raises in a flash. It’s a brief wave of warmth coming from the sincerity of people. It’s difficult to find as a Jedi within yourself, only because of how forbidden it is. It’s difficult to find in other people at a time of war, but here is the best. Between Rex and Cody, between Rex and his men. 

The smile disappears before Rex turns around. He turns to find your eyes already on him, observing. 

“Something I can do for you?” you question. You had expected him to leave with Cody, but you can feel the heat radiating off of him, even from the distance between you. You’re not close by any means, but he feels... warm. 

Rex’s shoulders raise as his mouth opens, then closes. Like he wanted to say something. He shakes his head a little, fumbling. “Did you sleep alright, General?”

You’re not as close to the 501st as Kenobi or Skywalker. Not close enough to talk about something outside of the war or planning. This takes you off guard. “Better than I have in a while,” you say, almost tentatively. “You?”

“Don’t worry about me, General,” Rex chuckles. “I’m alright. Just tired of being here is all.”

You agree wholeheartedly. Before you can vocalize this, someone calls you. You nod politely towards Rex before walking off. He watches as you go. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴀᴘᴘʀᴇᴄɪᴀᴛᴇᴅ ꜰᴏʀ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏ. ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴏᴏᴋᴇᴅ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪꜰᴜʟ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ.

A shaky sigh escapes you. This person was serious about doing this for you. After the guilt, the boredom, the frustration and the slow, agonizing burn from being where you were, this one wasn’t giving up. You could almost... relax. Relax into the notes like one might in a lovers arms. 

Little by little, you collapsed in on yourself with every new note. 

ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴅᴏɪɴɢ ᴀ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴊᴏʙ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴀᴘᴘʀᴇᴄɪᴀᴛᴇᴅ.

ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴀᴘᴘɪɴᴇꜱꜱ ᴍᴀᴋᴇꜱ ᴍʏ ᴅᴀʏ, ɪ ᴡɪꜱʜ ɪ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ꜱᴇᴇ ɪᴛ ᴍᴏʀᴇ.

ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏꜱᴛ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪꜰᴜʟ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪ'ᴠᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ꜱᴇᴇɴ.

ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ꜱᴛᴜɴɴɪɴɢ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ. ɪ'ʟʟ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ɪᴛ ꜰᴏʀᴇᴠᴇʀ.

With each note you received, the more your heart shook. 

You could feel... calm, when you got these. After being a protector and guardian, someone was doing the same for you. Alleviating tension and stress from your shoulders. The knots of your back were untwisting slowly, the strings of your heart pulling. Sometimes, in the dead of the Umbaran night, if you thought too hard about it, tears would prick your eyes. 

It was so... kind. Doing this for anyone at all, but especially you. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

During the last week of the mission, you were returning back to your room. Rounding the corner, you bumped into none other than the famed Captain himself. 

His army was bulky and sharp against you, but you didn’t mind. You were too busy running into it to really notice. You bumped back before anything could happen, blinking a few times. 

“General!” the man gasped in a slightly high voice. His hands reached out to steady your shoulders, although it wasn’t necessary. “I’m sorry, General. I didn’t see you there,” Rex said quickly. Nervously. 

“It’s alright,” you promised. “There’s no problem.”

Wait a minute. Rex had no business being down this way. He slept with the other troops in the nearby facility. He had insisted on it. “What are you doing here?”

Rex swallows, confirming his anxiety. His hands drop away from you and he takes a respectful step back, keeping his posture upright and formal. “I was just... just running an inspection sir.”

“Running an inspection... in the hallway to my quarters?”

“Yes! Ah, Cody requested it.”

An eyebrow raised. “Cody requested you to run an inspection in the hallway to my quarters?”

“Yes.”

Your shoulders shift. Arms come up to cross as you look up at the Captain. “Why?”

“Just... general inspection stuff.”

“Hey, Rex?” you continued, leaning forward. 

“Yes, sir?” Rex replied, stiffening like a true soldier would. 

“You’re a bad liar.”

His amber eyes widen for a moment. You can feel his heart rate pick up, the sweat begin to form on his palms. His throat goes dry as his brain struggles to stop and go at the same time, somehow working both a parsec per minute and not at all. 

“You’re dismissed,” you decide casually. “Go on.”

Rex opens his mouth to say something more, but then closes it. With a slow nod like an ashamed child, he moves past you and continues down the wall. 

You watch his back. He turns to get a final look at you as he goes, but this makes your heart jump and you surge yourself forward. 

There’s another note at your door. Folded again, clean and proper. A relaxed smile graces your lips. Finally, after all the combat of the day, you were where and with what you wanted. The notes had become the highlight of your life. 

You reach down with outstretched fingers and open it. Your body is letting go of the anxiety already, more than happy to welcome the new words. 

ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ꜱᴘᴇᴄɪᴀʟ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴍᴀᴛᴛᴇʀ.

The love and appreciation fills your heart in place of the anger and frustration you’d been feeling. All the feelings of being trapped or drifting away as you succumb to the kind ones words.  

You can’t help it. It’s like melting into the words as easy as falling into a soft mattress. It felt like all the blood of the stress and pain was evaporating as you gazed at the words. Like an ocean that carries everything you’ve been feeling away from you with the waves. The tide takes the weight from you in the simple stroke of a pen. 

You’re special. You matter. 

You turn your head back down the hallway, to the point where you had bumped into your Captain. You knew he hadn’t come down this way for an inspection, but what if he had come down this way for you. Solely you. A note for you. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

You don’t drop your gaze from his eyes. 

They’re flickering around, almost looking for an escape. He feels the pressure you’re putting on him from just a look and a stance. He feels the weight of your words, however passive they may be. But you don’t dare buckle or shiver. 

“Find anything interesting during your inspection, Rex?” you asked. 

Cody looked over at his comrade, who was visibly disturbed by the situation. Rex was looking between your eyes, his own skirting back and forth between left and right. “You ordered an inspection?” he asked his brother. 

Your lips twitch into the faintest of smirks. Rex knows he’s done for. He knows you know now, and he’s watching the intelligence dance in your eyes from the situation. Oh, he should’ve known better than to not only overstep his bounds, but attempt to deceive a Jedi as well! He’s ruined himself now! What will you do to him now? 

Rex struggles to form words. “Ah... I-”

“You misunderstand,” you said quickly. Your eyes didn’t leave the Captain’s, almost like a dare. “The Captain and I share many inside jokes.”

Cody sighs humorously. “I didn’t realize you two were so close, General.”

Rex didn’t remember what happened next. He may not have wanted to. 

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴀᴠᴇᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ. ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ, ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʀᴜʟʏ ᴀʀᴇ ᴀ ʀᴇᴍᴀʀᴋᴀʙʟᴇ ᴡᴏᴍᴀɴ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏꜱᴛ ʙᴇᴀᴜᴛɪꜰᴜʟ ꜱɪɢʜᴛ ꜰᴏʀ ᴀ ᴍᴀɴ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇʜᴏʟᴅ. ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ.

You smile softly at this one, solidified in how it makes you feel. All the notes- no he- he has done this. He’s the one who saw your invisible suffering, and softened it for you all on his own. Not because he had to, but out of the sheer kindness of his heart. He wanted you to be alright, for one reason or another, and he had done what he felt was right to get there. 

It made you feel safe, protected. Calm. 

You tuck the note away with all the others, in the little metal box by where you rest. You don’t receive anymore for the rest of the week, limiting your interaction with the Captain. You talked only when necessary on the battlefield. 

You led the troops to victory, pushing your final assault. Retaking Umbara had proven a lengthy and difficult task, but you had of course prevailed. It was partially owed to Kenobi and Skywalker, for conceiving such a wise plan, but your praise was not hindered. When you had alerted Obi-Wan of the success, he was glad his faith in you was not misplaced. All was well. 

That night, while the troops celebrated and you returned to your quarters, you found the last note you would receive on the system. You hadn’t expected it, but you were overjoyed to see it. 

ᴜɴᴛɪʟ ᴡᴇ ᴍᴇᴇᴛ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ, ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ꜰᴏʟʟᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀɴʏᴡʜᴇʀᴇ. ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ꜰᴏʀ ɪᴛ ᴀʟʟ ᴍʏ ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ, ᴍʏ ʟᴏᴠᴇᴅ.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

“I’m glad it was a success,” Obi-Wan said with a relaxed smile. Anakin folds his arms, an eyebrow raising. 

“Don’t sell yourself short, Kenobi. Your plan was responsible for the victory,” you say in turn. Your eyes catch your soldier- your favorite soldier- walking in the background. His blue painted armor is chipped, and he’s waving his hands around for effect as he speaks under his helmet. 

“How was Rex?” Anakin asks. “I hoped he behaved himself. I was worried he wouldn’t feel comfortable working under any Generals he didn’t know.”

You watch Captain Rex from behind them. You can imagine his golden eyes lighting up as he hears his comrades laugh. The careful way he had written his feelings out for you in any attempt to provide you with a circle of protection. Ironic, considering you were the one tasked with the protecting. 

“He’s proved himself useful,” you say. You watch as the man slips his helmet from his head and tuck it under his arm. 

“He certainly is a good man,” Obi-Wan agrees, him and Anakin turning to watch the Clone. 

“Yes,” you whisper, a soft smile creeping over your face as you commit the Captain to memory. “He is.”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.☆.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

I didn’t check this for spelling errors. I’ll do it later, I just want to put something out. And if this gets enough asks for it then I’ll make a part two, because I think it might work idk.

Taglist: @haztory​ @omg-we-really-doo​ @chokemeanakin​ @anakinswhore​ @.drunk anon (i know you said you liked rex) @fanficsforheartandsoul​

#captain rex #rex #captain rex x reader #captain rex imagine #captain rex imagines #captain rex fluff #captain rex angst #rex x reader #rex imagine #rex imagines #rex fluff #rex angst #tcw imagines #tcw x reader #star wars x reader #rex fanfiction

[sunarintoes]

Dear Whoever: [Oikawa]

Synopsis: two broken strangers hold a mutual understanding of each other as they silently complete jigsaw puzzles together every Wednesday afternoon.

WC: 4K

TW: mental health issues, reader sucks at math, swearing, angst (but a lot of fluff) please do not read if you feel uncomfortable by these themes. Also: this fic has nothing to do with volleyball and is set in a clinic for mental health

Note: this is in no way meant to romanticise mental health issues, it is simply a story of a person (reader) who is struggling with their mental health and eventually gets better through the silent support of a friend she makes (Oikawa)

18/6/2020

Dear diary?

Is that how I'm supposed to start these entries off? I'm not sure. Well, uh...today I went to see a psychologist for the first time. Her name is Mary and she gave me this book, told me to try it out and write in it as much as possible. I feel awkward though. I don't think I'll use this.

Until next time,

Yn

30/6/2020

So uh… hi?

My therapist told me to write here even if I'm not sad? So if something memorable happens. I don't know honestly. This is way too awkward. Maybe I'll get used to this. Maybe not?

Cya,

Yn

18/7/2020

I stayed true to my words, I really haven't written here that much. I'm doing good and I don't think there's anything wrong with me! I'm not sure why I'm being forced to go to therapy. I feel how I feel and it doesn't matter! I know there are people worse off than me and I don’t have the right to feel sad - I have a good family, good friends, go to a nice school and I have money (or well, my parents do). So why should I feel sad? And I just have a resting bitch face. It's not called being ‘depressed’ or whatever.

Asides from all that, the only reason I haven't kicked up a huge fuss about being forced to be interrogated is the fact that every Wednesday - the day I visit my psychologist, there's always the same cute boy sitting in the same seat opposite me, not to mention the same somber expression he wears.

I'm not sure why, but I feel oddly connected to him. As if our minds are connected and in tune. I feel like I know him and he knows me. I've been reading too many books. Lol! There's no way we have that connection. Besides, I've only seen him about 4 times. Yeah, I'm definitely making this up in my sad, lonesome head.

Farewell for now,

Yn

21/7/2020

Dear diary,

I saw him again. I still don't know his name. But today he looked up at me and smiled a bit, I tried to smile back but I probably just looked angry. Not that I have a problem smiling or that I'm angry or upset. I'm just stuck on default - stuck with a heavy frown on my face.

Sincerely

Yn

29/7/2020

It's a shame, really; I've spent so long trying so hard to get better. And I do want to get better, but it’s not easy. If I'm being honest, I thought I was getting better but when the quarantine hit I began to bottle things up again. Not seeing my feelings, having them buried deep beneath - locked away in the deepest pits of my heart… well, it was soothing in a sense. That way they did not exist, they were forgotten. I didn't have to deal with them. But I forgot the most important thing of all, ‘with good comes bad’ they say, I wish I had listened - to myself and to those around me, that bottling up feelings is really the worst thing to do. Because the longer you ignore them, the stronger they grow and the darker they get. I'm an idiot; really. I was a coward, too scared of my untamed, ugly feelings to face them head on, too scared to ask for support to help me face them. So here I am now, wallowing in the depths of my despair with an increasingly depressing inner monologue, typing this out in tune with it. I'm really bashing myself up, bottling up is the most harmful way to inflict violence upon one’s self, and I'm really feeling it. My brain hurts from narrating my problems and inner thoughts - it’s working overtime as a sort of coping mechanism. But what hurts the most - what burns the most, is my ever dry throat and teary eyes. Having to swallow the ever present lump that happens to make itself comfortable right at the back of my throat seems to really suck the moisture out of my mouth, hence my dry throat. My eyes really sting, the tears come and go, and boy, let me tell you - it takes so much strength to fight them. To stop them from rolling down as they would wish to. Feeling the tears well up and then forced to go away really burns. I'm not sure why; I do know that despite not having cried even once, my eyes burn as if I havent stopped crying since last week.

As dramatic as this is, this is how I feel. Quite underwhelming considering I've been harboring such strong, hating and dangerous feelings to myself since march. Though, this is my first time letting these frustrations out. I'm glad I've finally realised the burdens I carry. There's not much I can do.

See you next time,

Yn

2/8/2020

Hi,

Didn't expect to write that much in here but shit has been going down this week. Today my math teacher kept me in to tell me that I failed my math test, she told me that it was irresponsible of me to get as low as I got. The whole time she scolded me, I felt uncomfortable and like I could cry - I was close too, the tears were forming in my eyes. She asked me if I was planning on dropping maths, she basically suggested for me to drop maths. Oh! She also told me that I had to stop drawing in my book and that it was preventing me from learning because apparently ‘if you draw that just proves to me that you have no idea what's going on and you don't want to ask questions.’ and I'll give her that, I don’t - to both things.

The seats are so close it makes me anxious, I don't want everyone around me to know that I don't understand math! And besides, I seriously do not understand it so she'd have to sit with me the entire lesson to explain everything… I think there's something wrong with me.

Until next time,

Yn

3/8/2020

Hey, me again.

It’s still slightly weird to vent into a little diary but I'm getting there I guess. I'm so frustrated! Today has been the worst fucking day that I've ever experienced. For starters, I did double math for periods one and two, and then we got our tests back and I failed :) yep 23%!

I'm just soooo happy. If I'm being honest I don't care anymore. Maths is hard and no matter how much I study I fail at it. There's no point in me even trying now. I give up. What's worse is we had a substitute teacher and when she handed out the papers she gave my paper to some other girl in the class - who then of course, proceeded to have a fit about how bad the test is and that the tests were definitely mixed up. Well, they were but did she really have to explain to the whole class about how bad the score is? It was embarrassing to have to put my hand up and get the paper - my test, handed to me. It felt like everyone’s eyes were burning holes into my body. Right then and there I had a panic attack - I had already felt on edge since yesterday but the test conforming results plus the fact that everyone knew how badly I scored tipped me over the edge. I felt the tears well up but I pushed them back - refusing to show everyone how weak and pathetic I am.

I excused myself to the bathroom and cried a little before texting my friends and telling them that I was about to have a meltdown. Unfortunately they weren't online and didn't respond, I had to go back to class anyway.

When the break came, I left to go back to the bathroom - my tears were still clouding my vision and I couldn't get rid of them. I think I may be superstitious but while I was walking I was stuck behind the girls who saw my test - they were talking about their tests. I didn't really care but then one of them said ‘how much do you need to pass?’ and the others just laughed, so she continued and said ‘seriously! Is 24 percent a pass?’ this made the other girls laugh even harder, it felt like a slap to the face. Like they were indirectly mocking me. The same girl then said ‘surely 25 percent’ which again, was met with laughter.

It really hurt. Even if I was just overreacting. Surely not. They had to be talking about me. Why else would they talk about low test grades when they are literally on to top of the class.

I just want to disappear.

Sincerely,

Yn

8/8/2020

I dropped my Ipad today - twice if I may add. I cried when it hit the floor, the protective screen shattering into small, sharp pieces. The ‘up’ volume button is stuck and can no longer be used, neither can the ‘on/off’ button. Guess I can only use the home button to turn it on and wait for it to go to sleep if I don't want to use it. I'm kinda fed up with life. I want to be taken away. I don't care how far I go. I just want to leave.

Not soKindly,

Yn

14/8/2020

Dear Diary,

Today has been alright, I made mini cookies which helped put a smile on my face. Ever since the first time I exploded in this diary, I've felt a humongous weight lift off of my shoulders. Picture this, a single person holding up 50 tonnes of bricks and then telling themself and everyone around them ‘I’m fine! I can do this! I don't need help!’ but then one day, the person feels even more bricks pile up which becomes overloaded and they can't keep it up anymore. So they begin to crumble under all the pressure and the weight until they just explode! After their explosion a new person appears out of nowhere and helps them hold the stack of bricks. It is not that lighter, but it's the extra support - the extra pair of hands helping keep the first person stand straight, that really means something. I'm not sure if that makes sense but it’s how I can describe how I feel. Still feels heavy in my chest, but this time it just feels a bit lighter - like the world isn't entirely against me.

From,

Yn

30/8/2020

Dear Diary

When I went to the clinic earlier this week, something unexpected happened. The cute boy - who i like to call my ‘Therapy Buddy’ pointed over to the small table where a bunch of unfinished puzzles lay. I was confused at first but still walked over there. We sat down opposite each other and offered small smiles to one another. And without saying anything we finished off the jigsaw puzzles until we had to part ways.

For the first time in a while, I felt calm - as if my nerves were soothed. Maybe I should upgrade his name to ‘Miracle Buddy’ because I am 100% sure the reason I felt at peace was his doing - his presence.

Until next time,

Yn

7/9/2020

Dear Diary,

Therapy Buddy and I completed the jigsaw puzzles again today; no words were exchanged. I think he’s cute. I don't have a crush on him. I literally don't know him. I just like being in his presence. And besides, we've only done this twice. Who's to say we'll do it next week?

Cya,

Yn

15/9/2020

Whats up bitch Diary

Haha. Therapy Buddy is definitely smart. He was so quick to complete a 200 piece puzzle! I barely helped… he's cute when he concentrates as well. Oh yeah, we did end up doing them today. I noticed he also carries a diary with him. Maybe he writes in it like I do? Who knows. I hope he's written about me… I mean he probably hasn't but who knows, am I right?

Sincerely

Yn

21/9/2020

Hey Diary,

I'm really struggling going to school, I find it hard to concentrate in math class. Actually yeah, I like going to school but it's when I step into the math class, when I go in I feel my chest tighten and my throat dry. I have spoken with my parents a lot. They said I can drop maths if I want to. I'm still not sure what I want to do in the future but I have a faint idea: a psychologist or an artist. I need maths for psychology I think. I'm not sure. I think I'll just stick with it and hope next year goes better.

From,

Yn

29/9/2020

I look forward to going to the clinic. It no longer feels like an interrogation now that I walk in with an open mind. I'm still not getting much better with maths so I asked to be dropped down a level and now that i'm in a new classroom, a new environment, i feel less nervous. Maybe i’ll be able to get at least something done.

Kindly,

Yn

12/10/2020

This is a disaster, the other week when Therapy Buddy and I were sitting together - in comfortable silence might I add, we mixed our diaries! I can't believe this. I didn't realise until I got home! I had no ways of contacting him either. I hope he didn't read through it. If he did, I'm in trouble, I'm not doing good. I feel sick in my stomach and my throat is constricting. Ok I'm going to go, I'm having a panic attack just remembering.

Until next time

Yn

13/10/2020

Hey Diary!

In the midst of panic yesterday, I missed an important detail. Therapy Buddy left his name and phone number in my book. He must have opened up to write in it only to realise it wasn't his book. I hope. I'm a bit scared to text him. He has a pretty name - Oikawa Toru.

If I'm going to be honest, I read a little of his diary! I couldn't help it, I just wanted to write my feelings but I opened up on his latest entry, I read it and I shouldn't have. I feel a bit guilty but now, more than ever, I feel closer to him. He's feeling a similar way to me.

Yeah, I think I'll go for it. I think I'll text him.

Sincerely,

Yn

20/10/2020

What's up Diary!?

I'm glad I texted Toru! Since then we've been texting non stop but we've made a promise - to not speak to each other in person until we’re both doing better. That's fine with me. I just know my voice would betray me if I decided to chat him up in person. I've found a sense of comfort with Toru, he's no longer just my Therapy Buddy (although that's his contact name), he's now my friend who I can seek comfort in, and he seeks comfort in me too. I hate to say it, but I think I may have a small crush on him. This is a pain in the ass, I really hope I don't. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. He's just my friend. But he’s really cute

Kind regards,

Yn

25/10/2020

Hey diary,

I'm feeling a lot mentally better, I wish I had realised sooner that going to therapy was helpful. Having someone who just listens to you and doesn't give their input unless you want it is soothing. I'm not as anxious to go to math class, of course I'm still trying but I've adopted the mindset: what's done is done, all I can do is look forward.

I have good news about Toru. Today he said to me ‘when I’m ready I want to love you and for you to love me.’ I know I don’t love him but I’m not an idiot, I know I have some more-than-friends feelings towards him.

From,

Yn

27/11/2020

Dear Diary,

Things have been really looking up for me. Im feeling a lot happier and the weight in my chest is a lot lighter. I almost feel free. I've been thinking of career paths a lot lately. I think I want to be a psychologist. If it weren't for Mary, who knows where I would be now. Thanks to her I've been able to feel better and do better. I want to be like her. I want to be able to help people through their problems - whether it be a minor inconvenience or a major one, because I know how it feels. I understand what it feels like to have the whole world against you - as if every force and person in the universe were working unanimously together to bring me down, ‘but I survived and so can you.’ That's what I will tell them. And also ‘We can get through this together,’ and let's not forget ‘this will be challenging so we both have to put in 100 percent to getting better!’

Sincerely

Yn

12/12/2020

Hey diary,

I am full of joy.

Today Toru texted me and asked me if i wanted to spend New Years Eve with him! I said yes and were going to go to the park to have a picnic and watch the fireworks! I'm so excited. I hope he is too! I just cannot wait.

Oh yeah! I can't believe i haven't written it in until now! I've just been so happy and excited and wow but the two of us went out to a cafe and he bought me a drink - we still haven't exchanged words and spent the whole time sitting next together while texting.

In that moment I felt so happy, I knew that this is the guy I want to be with. I have a crush on him and wow... I it feels good to get that off my chest and out into the open,,, I wonder if he’s ready? It doesn’t matter, I’ll wait as long as I have to because Toru is special and I don’t want to lose him.

It is New Years Eve and I have made plans to catch up with Toru, he's going to pick me up at my house and together we’ll walk to the nature park where we’ll spend the night having a picnic and being in each other’s presence. In my small bag I have snacks and drinks packed, along with some board games - why not? After all, I'm planning on confessing to him tonight and I thought doing it while engaging in one of the things that brought us together was the way to go.

There is a timid knock on the door and I quickly run to answer it.

As soon as I open the door I’m met with a cardboard poster with the words ‘Happy New Years Eve, Yn!!’ written in big, large letters. I smile as I look at it, Toru definitely was not an artistic person but the thought was sweet and made my heart swell. I pull out my phone and text him a thank you before receiving one back from him; ‘you look extra beautiful… Yn.’

I read the text a few times before my brain finally gets the message, a large smile creeps up onto my face and I hear him try to stifle a laugh.

I turn away from Toru and yell out ‘bye bye! I'll see you tonight!!’

When I turn back I see Toru reaching out his hand; as if he were asking me to hold it.

Toru’s hand is pretty, our fingers are linked together and they rest comfortably. Nothing feels forced, it all feels natural. I look up at him and wonder if he feels the same, as if he knew what I was thinking when he squeezes my hand. Yeah, we definitely have some strange connection.

We spend the whole journey to the park texting, and as much as I love texting him and hearing him quietly chuckle during conversations it no longer feels like enough. I want more. As greedy and selfish as that sounds. I know I said I would wait for him - as long as it would take, but I'm getting impatient. Tonight i'm going to speak to him… I hope he does as well.

The park is beautiful, the flowers are trees surrounding the border and trap out the outside world. It almost feels like I'm in a magical fairy realm - or something like that.

We found a spot near a garden bed and I noticed the arrangement of flowers fairly quickly. I find it funny, the flowers almost represent everything i feel for Toru - maybe our meeting was indeed, fate and maybe this was fate telling me to confess.

I pull out a 5000 piece jigsaw and text ‘wanna play?’ which Toru of course agrees.

I have had fun, all night we’ve spent playing various games and eating snacks. We still haven't spoken and that's getting me down. I can't help the intrusive thoughts - ‘does he not like me?’ ‘he's not ready’ ‘you're just a friend.’ I try to push them out of my head but before I crumble I find a new thought: ‘maybe he's just too shy to make the first move.’

That is, it was up to me and it was the perfect time to confess - ten minutes until the new year. I quickly got up and made an impromptu bouquet of the flowers that resided next to us.

Shaking, I turned towards him. “Hey… i’m Ln Yn and this is for you…” I handed him the bouquet and tried my best to ignore the look on his face - I couldn't tell if it was shock out of happiness or anger, “you asked to know the meanings right?” I move closer to him and point out a flower, “well, see that flower? It's a light purple lilac that resembles young love… and this one here, it's called a belledonne which means silence, this one’s a begonia - representing dark thoughts, oh and this one! It's a pink camellia which symbolises longing - particularly longing for a romantic relationship with the receiver, and this daisy right here means innocence and hope. And lastly, the hibiscus represents delicate beauty.’ I swallowed a lump in my throat as I looked up at him, I didn't realise how close I got to him - our lips were mere centimeters away.

‘Hey… I'm Oikawa Toru and I like you too. Why don't we give a relationship a try?’

I smile. I smile so large I feel my cheeks hurt. This, this is the happiest i've ever been. ‘I’d like that.’ Toru smiles with me, he’s beautiful, even with the dak thoughts plaguing his mind.

‘I like your voice’ we say to each other before laughing.

‘Wow.. we really said that at the same time huh?’ he laughs. Instead of responding I grab a hold of his hand once more and squeeze it. ‘It’s kinda annoying, I wanted to confess first…’

‘Not my fault. Bet it wouldn't have been as romantic as what I did.’

‘So telling me the meanings of flowers is romantic?’

I gasp as he doubles over in laughter and without realising we fell into an easy conversation - much like one we would have over text. Everything with Toru felt natural.

The fireworks go off signalling the beginning of the new year, Toru leans in closer and his eyes don't leave mine.

‘Hey,’ he says softly, ‘can I kiss you?’ I gulp and nod, within seconds his lips were delicately pressed against mine, they were soft and smooth - even if they were slightly chapped. They felt natural against my lips. The kiss was short and sweet. Deciding that it wasn't enough to satisfy me, I went back in after we pulled apart and we both smiled into the kiss - our lips passionately moving together, like two jigsaw pieces that were made for each other.

When we pull back, Toru drags me into his chest and says, ‘I'm ready to love you.’

Taglist: @ladyrenart

Hushudhidwhuwihahuaf ïm im sorry this is horrible and I definitely don’t plan on using this style of writing anytime soon! I promise the rest of the series will be written nicely !

#haikyuu #haikyu #haikyuu x reader #fluff #x reader #angst #oikawa #oikawa toru #oikawa x reader #oikawa fluff #oikawa angst

[travllingbunny]

The 100 6x13 The Blood of Sanctum

This was a rather underwhelming finale to what was probably my favorite season of The 100. That doesn’t mean it was really bad or that it ruined the season for me; no, it was just something that felt more like a midseason finale than an epic conclusion. This may be because the writers were already sure that they were getting season 7 – and may have already planned it as the last, which made season 6 something like the first part of one big, 29 episodes season, aka “Book Two”.

Out of all the storylines, only SheidMadi got resolved – as did the two-season story of Madi as the Commander, which is not history, together, apparently, with the Flame. I admit that I really did not expect the show to finally do away with this long-standing plot device. On the other hand, not only is Sheidheda still a villain who is going to cause trouble in season 7, but the main plot with the Primes and bodysnatching has not been fully concluded – because Russell Lightbourne is still alive, several of the mind drives are still in function, and there are still a lot of “devout” Prime-worshippers in Sanctum. Out of all the storylines, that was the one I expected to be fully over.

The best parts of the episode – the strongest emotional moments – all involved Clarke.  Even though Clarke suffering and losing people she loves has been done to death, the show can always count on Eliza Taylor to deliver those big emotional moments. The only problem with her scenes is that they were somewhat predictable – especially since the promo department saw fit to spoil the emotional climax in promo videos and pictures. Still, the scenes where Clarke is tempted to give in to the desire to believe that her mother is still alive, but then stays strong and smart and floats Simone in her mother’s body alongside most of the other Primes; and the climax with her confronting Madi, are really good. Sure, it’s the “Power of Love” trope, but the show knows how to do that trope well, and I liked it. It fit with the show’s themes, including the old “Love is a weakness” theme. Sheidheda was the one to repeat that mantra, but it was something we first heard from Lexa (who eventually changed her mind about it), later learned was actually a part of her Flamekeeper Titus’ teaching, and eventually learned (in season 5) that it was also a part of Gaia’s teaching to Octavia, as something that Flamekeepers generally teach Commanders. Here, Sheidheda said that Lexa told him Clarke was strong (he would have first known about Clarke through Lexa, years before Madi took the Flame), but, according to Sheidheda, Lexa was weak because of her love for Clarke, and Clarke now proved she was weak because of her love for Madi… But then Clarke proved that Love is strength by risking her life and using her love for Madi and Madi’s love for her to bring her daughter back, when she seemed fully possessed by Sheidheda.

This season was full of parallels to season 2 – which was for the long time my favorite – as a redoing, in a better way, of what happened; and the reunion scene between Clarke and Bellamy was a beautiful one with parallels and contrasts to their goodbye scene in the season 2 finale. The song and the softness and tenderness of the scene were similar to the Bellarke season 2 goodbye, and the dialogue recalled both that scene, and Clarke’s conversation with her mother, when she said “I tried to be the good guy” and got the reply “Maybe there are no good guys”. But that mindset was very damaging, to Clarke, to Abby and to everyone. And here, Clarke says she tried to do better (which irked me somewhat, because she has to know she did do the right thing – it would be absurd to think that killing Primes in self-defense is somehow wrong, or that she was in any way responsible for the mayhem Russell caused, because he’s the worst) and Bellamy assures her she did, they did. What makes more sense is that Clarke is wondering if doing better was worth it, since she lost her mother. It is the opposite of the season 2 finale, when she saved everyone she loved, but lost a part of her soul and all of her moral certainty in the process. (Even though, in the circumstances in that season finale, when the choice was between killing all the Mountain Men or letting them win and horribly murder Clarke and Bellamy and everyone they loved – Abby, Octavia, all their friends – the former was the right choice, and anyone who disagrees has to explain how lying down and saying “yes, kill us all, you superior Mount Weather people” was a better choice.) But this time, Clarke accepted Bellamy’s comforting words and hug, and is staying with her people instead of isolating herself.

But the relationship issues with Bellamy and Clarke and Echo, respectively, were put on hold– which was obviously a deliberate decision by the writers to not resolve them before the last season, and the way it has been made to work is by making the last few episodes so full of action that characters didn’t have the time to sit and talk about their feelings and relationships (especially Bellamy and Echo, who haven’t had an on-screen one-on-one scene since 6x04, and weren’t even in the position to have one since 6x08). Many of the character arcs feel like they just reached the halfway point.

The weakest part of the episode was the battle for Sanctum. Aside from some funny moments involving Murphy and a confirmation that Octavia has changed and that she and Bellamy have repaired their relationship, most of it was just action - and I’m someone who gets bored with action scenes if they don’t involve meaningful character moments and/or real stakes, which was missing. The show also missed the chance to portray the changing society of Sanctum, and the revolution/civil war that started in 6x12, in an interesting way. Instead, we just got beaten over the head with how brainwashed the “devout” Sanctumites are, which took quite a bit of screentime. It was hard to care when none of these people were characters we had met before, and were hard to relate to. What happened to the rebels who shouted “Death to Primes”? Did they just lose the battle off-screen and got captured? What happened to Delilah’s parents – the only Sanctum residents we had already gotten to know that are still alive? The show has done much more to humanize  Russell freaking Lightbourne and the Primes, which is not a bad thing in itself, than it ever did to humanize the ordinary residents of Sanctum, who remain a nebulous crowd with few individual characteristics (ironically, similar to how the Primes treat them), which just serves as the motivation for our heroes to spare/help so they would do better.

Seeing Jordan brainwashed does help somewhat understand that the people of Sanctum are not stupid and sympathize with them: if he can be so brainwashed after a few days, what chance did the Sanctumites have? They had that happen to them for years. Jordan’s new mindset after literally drinking the Kool Aid is scary and promises big problems for season 7. Remember when they said Priya was overseeing his recovery? The Primes are always proving even more evil than you thought. She and the “adjustor” seem to have somehow managed to make him transfer his feelings for Delilah to Priya – to the point that he carries a mind drive (probably Priya’s), and to make him believe in their BS mantra that their world was happy and peaceful before Earth people came (which cannot be further from the truth), when he was the first to call the Primes murderers when he discovered the truth about them in 6x05.

The mystery of the Anomaly, of course, has been established as the main plot of season 7 (no surprise there), and while I expected a Diyoza to come out of the Anomaly (I expected a younger Charmaine, but at least one person on Twitter guessed it would be her daughter Hope), the final twist with Octavia disappearing into the Anomaly did come as a surprise. But that part of the episode felt somewhat disconnected from the rest.

Other thoughts:

Indra’s story about Sheidheda’s rule of fear was a little weird – because I don’t really see how exactly his actions were that different than those that were expected from any Commander. Apparently, he butchered everyone who refused to submit to his rule. But isn’t that what Commanders generally do? We learned back in season 2 that Grounders have a strictly hierarchical society and are expected to obey their leaders. When Lincoln showed disobedience and went against an order of his Commander (going back to help Octavia in Mount Weather against Lexa’s orders), Lexa issued a kill order on him. Blood must have blood, Love is weakness – these are mantras taught to Commanders (or at least the recent ones) by their Flamekeepers. Sheidheda’s actions may have been more extreme in scale and harshness, but at the core, he was following the exact same rules he was taught. Giving anyone, especially a child, absolute power, doesn’t tend to end well.

One of the few characters who got a rounded character arc in season 6 is Gaia, who ended up choosing saving Madi over saving the Flame. Yes, it was also about destroying Sheidheda, but it was a big thing for her to decide to destroy the thing to whose worship she had dedicated her life, for the common good, to protect people and to save the life of a real, living child. But she will have an identity crisis next season and will have to decide what her life is now.

The hug between Clarke and Raven was nice but…semi-satisfactory to see: they have made up, and Raven has done better in the last few episodes, and made amends to Clarke, in a way, by saving Madi, just as Clarke did better by caring about the common good and saving everyone, again (something she had lost in season 5) rather than just people close to her.

But Raven really needs a good storyline again and a better characterization. In season 6, she was a side character who was there just to support other people’s stories. Even Gaia’s: in order for the decision whether to kill the Flame to belong to Gaia, the show had Raven ask Gaia what to do with the Flame – which was quite mind-boggling. Since when does Raven care about the Grounder religion, to the point of giving the decision to a Flamekeeper? Especially when a child’s life and everyone’s being is at stake?

Speaking about sacrificing one character’s characterization to give a cool moment/uplift another, I didn’t enjoy the way that it seemed like Octavia is now the most morally developed and Bellamy just followed her lead when she decided to help Gabriel save the people of Sanctum. As if Bellamy didn’t always care about saving people who weren’t necessarily “his people” – e.g. saving the slaves in 4x02, his insistence in season 2 that they spare the children and innocent people in Mount Weather, trying to stop Finn from killing a Grounder prisoner in season 2, trying not to get Children of Gabriel unnecessarily killed in 6x03 – when they were seen as enemies…

Layla, one of the very few non-Prime new characters we got to know, got murdered by a devout nutcase, and her death scene was spoiled in a promo… But I wasn’t even sure she was injured when I saw the promo, because the scene must be the least unconvincing killing scene ever. That little surface scratch with a knife looked like it can’t do more than just leave a little mark on her neck, for a while.

Emori and Murphy were fun to watch in their glamorous new clothes and makeup and with their ‘god” personas.

Even though he made the choice to help his friends, Murphy still wants immortality. And he is not concerned with the well-being of people he doesn’t know, which is in character for him. We’ll see if any of that comes into play in early season 7.

Does it count as Bury Your Gays when a show reveals an already dead character as gay (or possibly bisexual)? I remember that this was brought up when Lost did it with a dead recurring character in a flashback. Here it was a character we saw for just a few seconds in 6x02, who didn’t get any characterization, and has been dead for 12 episodes, and super-definitely-dead for 8 (one of the Primes, Daniel Lee).

Are Bellamy and Echo still together? Who knows. Are they still kind of technically an item just because they haven’t had any time or chance to interact in private, which would be necessary for a breakup? If they are together, why are they acting more platonic than Bellamy and Clarke? It would have been easy for the show to confirm they were still a couple: it would be obvious if they had kissed during their reunion – as Miller and Jackson did in this episode, or if they kissed at some other point (as Murphy and Emori do all the time) or had other gestures of intimacy other than the reunion bro-hug in 6x12, with Bellamy patting Echo on the back the same way he did his sister a couple of episodes back. At this point, Becho is the Schroedinger’s Ship.

Rating: 6.5/10

#the 100 #the 100 season 6 #the 100 6x13 #the blood of sanctum #clarke griffin #bellamy blake #bellarke #octavia blake #madi griffin #sheidheda #raven reyes #gaia kom trikru #john murphy #emori #abby griffin #the primes

[jackdawyt]

Happy N7 Day 2019 guys! ICYMI, I made a video a while back delving into Mass Effect’s future from here on out. Check it out! 

Today I'm once more looking into the future of Mass Effect, plunging into where the franchise will go since Andromeda's ramshackle attempt. Honestly, I respect Andromeda for trying to create a new narrative for the Mass Effect franchise, arching into many games. However, it's the direction that the game took, and the sheer lack of knowledge of games design from BioWare Montreal that, for the lack of better words, screwed this spin-off.  

Andromeda didn't have the heart and soul of a Mass Effect game, and that's simply because the team had no experience with creating the previous entries. Though, now that Casey Hudson, the original trilogies director has since returned to BioWare, there's hope for the future now. Mass Effect has his vision, and under his supervision, perhaps we could get a return to this beloved franchise in due time, repairing the mistakes of Andromeda with a new entry in the series crafted from the same team as the trilogy.

With that, I guess we've got to ask ourselves what's next for Mass Effect?

Over the years, I've gathered and constructed many concepts and ideas for where this franchise could go from here, so lock yourselves down guys, because we're heading at ludicrous speed into the future of Mass Effect! First up:  

Mass Effect Milky Way Spin-off:

This is probably the best possible way for Mass Effect to return in my opinion, this concept revolves around returning to the beloved Milky Way Galaxy as a new character surrounding an entirely new plot-line in a spin-off fashion.

I’ve always been enchanted by the idea of playing as one of the many races in Mass Effect, embarking on a grand space adventure, perhaps as a mercenary with a small crew, against a more localized threat. At least that's my pitch for now regarding such a spin-off!

This title would encompass origin stories just like Dragon Age: Origins, as an example, if the player we’re to be an Asari, perhaps they've lived a life on the streets of Omega, fighting for scraps and living in poverty, experiencing the true harshness of this urban lifestyle that Omega entails.

This could be a completely different narrative as to someone else who perhaps plays as a Volus growing up on Illium, or a Quarian living nomadically on a fleet. Either race the player picks, they'd always end up with the same goal.

From any lifestyle, perhaps the player would become a highly-skilled mercenary or freelancer, acquiring a ship for the first time in their life, building a squad and opposing a smaller threat within the Milky-Way. Just a quick, role-playing influenced idea there...

However, on the flip of that, perhaps the player and their squad are able to fit the role of anti-heroes within the galaxy, fulfilling a sort of 'Guardian's Of The Galaxy' archetype, allowing the squad to be slightly more antagonistic than ever before.

Even scrap that idea and let the players just be antagonists in this world, let's have a Mass Effect game where we can be villainous, and stir up trouble in the Terminus System! I'm not rightly speaking on being a grand evil, I'm more for the idea of playing as a mercenary leader, experiencing a life of crime in a condensed space opera tied to this plot of backstabbings, betrayal and complete espionage.

Perhaps sneaking thorough the backstreets of Omega, assassinating contracts, smuggling and stealing resources, hacking into operations and even just blatant bank robberies, in Mass Effect's fashion of course!  

It'd be a complete change-up from the previous Mass Effect titles, and the way I see this concept, it's more of a back to the roots of BioWare. They'd be a huge emphasis on character creation and freedom, with a story inspired by pen and paper role-playing games, inspiring more of a D&D feel than anything!

In any case, this scenario would allow me to fulfil my many fantasies of playing as one of the very many Mass Effect races, with a fun, jaded and morally grey narrative to boot, right back in the Milky-Way! With even the possibility of coming across so many of the beloved Milky Way characters that appeared in the original trilogy.

Perhaps not as simple as it sounds, but possibly this title could be a 'Mass Effect 4' set after Mass Effect three's events, this could be done if BioWare gave way to retconning three's ending. After accomplishing that, perhaps you could just pop this concept within the time-space after the Milky-Way is saved thanks to Shepard and Co.

Again though, this is just one of my fantasies, I could talk about this concept all day, perhaps I may do another video one day just on expanding this idea, for now though, we've got other ways to consider!

Andromeda Sequel - a continuation of Mass Effect Andromeda's narrative, crafted by original dev's:

The next possibility surrounds the Andromeda Galaxy, within the game - Mass Effect Andromeda, the developers did a great job of opening up and setting this galaxy as a new narrative. The team were expecting on creating a trilogy within that space, they've planted plenty of seeds for the future of Andromeda.

So, perhaps with the original developers of the trilogy on hand, we could potentially return to the Andromeda Galaxy.

Of course, I've got a few ideas of how this could work!

The simplest concept is just a basic Andromeda sequel, perhaps fulfilling the repressing role as Ryder once more and picking up where things were dropped off. It'd be simple, however, I don't think it'd be a good idea just considering the flack both Ryder and Andromeda's narrative got. it's still an idea though!

A better and more efficient way for Mass Effect to return to the Andromeda Galaxy is to simply set the events of the next title 500 years ahead. Allowing all of Andromeda's ongoing political turmoil, misguided narratives and just general settlement of humanity and other species on this Galaxy. No more Ryder, no more dull companions, a new palette in a Galaxy that could've changed dramatically since it's the very origin.

With centuries ahead since the last game, new threats and species may have evolved, more characters, different technologies, varied biotic capabilities, etc. A completely unique perspective on Mass Effect, just with the same original team working on this one. Perhaps a different protagonist, not related to the Ryder family with a fresh cleanser of a world, this could be a blank canvas for the Mass Effect franchise to start again.

In the same vein as this concept, however, slightly adapted considering Andromeda's flack...

Andromeda Galaxy meets Milky-Way:

​Perhaps the Andromeda and Milky-Way Galaxies could convey a way to correspond and transport - to and from. Sharing an experience with both world-states, creating an incredible way to amalgamate the main games and spin-off together, creating an adventure and narrative that could sprawl between two Galaxies, perhaps there could be an even more apocalyptic threat that risks more than just the destruction of worlds, but instead Galaxies! Rivalling an opponent with the capabilities to wreak supreme havoc, with the help of both the Andromeda and Milky-Way Galaxies, the narrative could easily over-arch, creating a huge space-opera scale of a story!

With this narrative set so far in the future, Mass Effect as a franchise would be recreating itself, with no more tie in's to Shepard or Ryder's adventure, this would be world's apart from either story. Which I guess could be a good or bad thing... Anyhow, onto the next concept!

A reboot of the franchise:

In a similar vein to games like PS4's God of War, 2013's Tomb Raider and Legend Of Zelda, Breath Of The Wild. Mass Effect could reboot itself following a similar a fashion, each of the mentioned games has accepted the past game's narrative and lore, however, don't particularly regard it, it's not necessary for its new forwarding narrative. God of War, for example, Kratos' previous narrative with the Olympian Gods, doesn't really have much influence in his remembrance of his lover, and new fatherhood revelations. Breath Of The Wild, hardly any of its previous stories sway much within that game's narrative... perhaps Mass Effect could attempt such a reboot for a future title.

Simply done by creating a new title, set it in the Milky-Way disregarding the previous events and continuing on a new adventure. If that doesn't intrigue you, perhaps an entire reboot of the original trilogy, or (as we'd all prefer) perhaps a reboot of Andromeda's story. Taking this new direction towards the discovery of the Andromeda Galaxy into an exciting, encapsulating narrative with the OG team helming the way, as it was supposed to be.

At best, this concept works as a retconning for a future title, ignoring or only subtly mentioning the past, perhaps as a reboot of the previous games, or a new adventure entirely!

Prequel:

I agree partly to this concept, I'd love a prequel of Mass Effect, simply so I could go back and witness key events and characters that have shaped the experiences we cultivate in the trilogy. For instance, It'd make for an encapsulating story if we, as a human we're to be one of the few to travel into the first Mass Effect relay for the first time in history, going through that Charon Relay with an entire squad of humanities best, would be an enthralling experience!

Witnessing character's like Alec Ryder, Ashley's grandfather, etc. We'd see Jack Harper, before he became the Illusive Man, fighting in a galactic war against the Turians. Plenty of previous narratives could unfold, setting the way for the trilogy, and as much as that sounds like a great idea, we all know the ending of it all.

This narrative's been told thousands of times within the games, books, comics, etc. It's a sold story, I feel to go back to that, maybe slightly underwhelming, I think it's a great idea, especially seeing previous characters before they develop, witnessing their origin stories, but again this ship has already sailed, we know those plots already. It'd just be a rehash in my opinion.

Anyhow, guys, that'll do it for me today regarding the future of Mass Effect, tell me down below where you'd like to see this shelved franchise going from here on out. But for all your things BioWare, you're already in the right place!

#Mass Effect #next mass effect #Mass Effect Next #mass effect game #n7 day #n7 day 2019 #mass effect next game #masseffect #andromeda #andromeda 2 #mass effect prequel #mass effect 4 #mass effect sequel #ME #mass effect trilogy #Shepard #Commander Shepard #Dragon Age #ME:A #Andromeda DLC #andromeda sequel #Casey Hudson #mass effect casey hudson #Asari #Turian #Krogan #Salarian #Volus #Human #Mass Relay

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 7x04 Help

aka help the helpless

We did it, guys! We made it to the last season! Also, hello if you’re new, and stumbled upon this without context. As usual, these impromptu text posts are the product of my fevered mind as I rant about the episode I just watched for an hour (okay, sometimes perhaps two). Anything goes!

And in today’s episode, we finally meet a couple of new memorable background characters while rehashing some early season plots.

I think it’s safe to say though that Help is invoking Reptile Boy on purpose, much like Lessons was borrowing elements from Welcome to the Hellmouth. This is our last season. Everything is coming full circle as Buffy’s returning to high school on the Hellmouth as a counselor, with Dawn representing the new generation of students there.

And this episode once again emphasizes that, especially since this is the first time Buffy really gets to do some counselling. It’s funny, it’s heartfelt. It’s nice. While Buffy’s job at the Doublemeat Palace feels like the real life horror show that is an actual workplace, Buffy as a counselor reads more like a calling. An extension of her as the Slayer.

Then again, my adult brain now also insists on nitpicking on the fact that Buffy got this job without any qualification or training. I feel like the latter is the least you should have before you start working with kids, especially in this area. Like, for instance, to know how to deal with a suicidal kid.

And I know that Buffy’s position is mostly supposed to be an informal one. She’s not the school psychiatrist, and her office is just a cubicle with no privacy. So I guess she isn’t meant to deal with the heavier cases, but it would also just be nice to see her get more involved in counseling. It really would be a good career fit for her imo.

So yeah, that alone makes Help memorable for me, although if I gotta be honest, there were parts of the episode on this rewatch that underwhelmed me. And on some level, that was definitely due to my high expectations, but maybe it was also the dialogue falling a bit short.

There are two scenes in particular that came to mind. Cassie’s speech to Buffy and Xander about how she wants to live, and the last scene between the Scoobies, where they talk about how they couldn’t help Cassie.

And neither of these scenes are bad. They’re good. They’re great, even. I just felt like they had a potential to be remarkable if they played it a bit more subtly.

Fine, I know. Buffy and subtlety. Those are two things that never mashed.

So yeah, you’re right. Maybe I had my expectations a bit too high here. And those scenes are still effective and have a place in the bigger Buffy thematic picture.

Cassie’s speech reflects nicely back on where Buffy was last season, but also calls back to season 1 Buffy. You can take Cassie’s words at face value, as her saying that she wants to live and experience all these things yet, which was the breakthrough Buffy had at the end of last season. But Cassie also accepted death and its inevitability – aka season 1 Buffy.

The other way you can look at what Cassie says here, is by interpreting it through the lens of depression. Cassie wants to live and enjoy life, but she can’t – something that most people suffering from depression struggle with. An interpretation that once again would connect her to Buffy’s season 6 storyline.

Buffy of course wants to fight for Cassie. She doesn’t accept fate. In the Buffyverse, and especially on this show, prophecies and visions are mere guidelines. They don’t decide future events.

People do.

But in this episode, it turns out, there was nothing they could’ve done. There was never anything they could’ve done. It didn’t matter. Buffy was always going to fail.

DAWN:  “No. You didn’t, ‘cause you tried. You listened, and you tried. She died ‘cause of her heart, not ‘cause of you. She was my friend because of you. I guess sometimes you can’t help.”

I liked Michelle Trachtenberg in this scene too, so much so, that it almost made me forget that Dawn and Cassie were friends for like a week. Almost.

See, this is why Cassie should’ve been introduced in the season premiere. Imagine how much more this would’ve hit, if we knew that she and Dawn have been close since the beginning of the school year.

BUFFY:  “So what then? What do you do when you know that? When you know that maybe you can’t help?”

And Buffy knows the answer to that, as the episode closes on her returning to her counselor office the next Monday.

You try, regardless.

If nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do.

Other noteworthy things:

- Buffy and the gang hiding in the caskets sounds like a horrible idea, when you think about how Buffy had to dug her way out of her own grave the last time she was in one of those. Why are you putting yourself through that, Buff?

- This episode once again establishes the Buffy-Dawn-Xander trio, albeit that might be for the last time, now that Willow’s back. I love their dynamic, and Dawn especially shines in this group. She even has the funniest jokes?? I love my kiddo.

- Willow visited Tara’s grave. It’s fine.

- I still think Dawn was right on the money about Cassie’s friend, Mike. “She’s a girl, right? Making boys crazy is like your job description.” I 100% thought that he was under one of those hoods, not even gonna lie.

- Spike hitting Reptile High School Boy, even though it was causing him pain through the chip? Solid work there, William.

- “I’m over you now, sweetie” is a great line, but Dawn’s expression as she was looking at Xander being way too hung up on the fact that Willow may have written love poems about him in high school is even better.

- Willow wrote fan fic about an obscure TV show in the 90s that starred Neil Patrick Harris. Just wanted you to know that.

- This is also Amanda’s first appearance, so we’re finally establishing some more memorable background characters.

This season is on a solid roll so far and I can’t wait to continue!

#buffy rewatch 2k19 #btvs talk #btvs

[rktingyan-blog]

                            𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐲𝐚𝐧 & 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰𝐬 !

the hard part was over with, thank god. all that was left were the interviews, and to tingyan, that was the most fun part. while she intended on showing her personality, she was fairly certain the interview would have some sort of impact on her success throughout the show, so she was careful with her words. so after a few minutes rather impatiently waiting on the interviewer, she's asked if she's ready to begin. smiling at the woman, she nodded, encouraging her to begin asking the series of questions. "sure! let's get to it." 

"alright, welcome to the interview! could you introduce yourself, please?"

tingyan was immensely grateful for a much friendlier interviewer than she'd been provided with last time, smiling in agreement as she began. "of course. my name is chong tingyan and i'm a university student and model from shanghai, china! i'm not a princess - but i'm this season's queen!" putting her hands in the form of a crown over her head, she can't help but laugh. the statement is a little silly and boastful at best, but it's her way of getting her name stuck in the judges' head.

"how did you feel when you received the news of the callback?"

"ah..." she doesn't want to mention the fact that she laughed, although being true it didn't sound good from an outside perspective. "i was in shock! there were...so many people at the first auditions? ah, it was crazy..." her eyes become faraway, returning to the hectic day she'd first came in to show her talents. it seemed like it was just a few hours ago - and now here she was, at the second round. even though there were still many contestants, more had been cut already, and it hadn't even passed the first interview. tingyan couldn't help but wonder what that meant for her, and how many of the people she'd grown to like would be leaving soon. if she would be leaving soon. but there was no time for such negativity. so she concludes with a "i'm so ecstatic to be here! i can't wait to show even more of myself to you all."

"how was it seeing the set for the first time?"

"it was so beautiful! really, i got excited before anything had even started," she confesses, covering her mouth as she lets out a laugh. did they expect anyone to say anything but good things? "really, i used to watch the show all the time when i lived in shanghai. i always was fangirling over the contestants - i was quite a big fan of season 2!" she figures bringing it back to her childhood sounds a little humbling, not so focused on her confidence now and more on the teen she once was. "when i walked on set, i felt like i was really a teenager again, living out my dream! i was so nervous, i could barely speak!"

"what did you think when the judges were revealed?"

i expected it? she almost says, the mga fanatic aware of the judge's appearance. however, her casual bluntness she's used to displaying won't work this time, so she decides to focus on the excitement she got from it. "i thought i was nervous before they walked in?" exhaling, she looks to the sky, hands pressed to her cheeks. "oh my gosh, it got so much more intense! i know everyone else felt it too. that's when it got really quiet, like we were all fighting for our lives." in a way they were, but instead of their lives, each was battling for the most screentime and a chance to win a contract. "i noticed hyun bin-ssi looked really handsome," she notes, immediately regretting the statement as her cheeks turn red and she covered her face. didn't everyone, though? the statement was a result of both her flirty tendencies and hope to get nova's attention, but it wasn't exactly supposed to say it out loud. falling over into a fit of giggles, the girl waves her hands, as if to ask the other to forget she said anything. "unnie...could we cut that part out, please?"

"how do you think you did?"

truthfully? she doesn't know. the audience seemed fairly please, but, as always the judges had kept their poker face up for the majority of the time there. it was hard to read them, especially when she was so reluctant to look them in their eyes, but one thing was for certain . "i had a lot of fun," she says truthfully, thinking back on the fun song shift. "i think i did very well! i tried my best to show my confidence, enthusiasm, and skill!" she lists each, counting them off with her hand. "it was different, and my goal was to gain their attention by switching things up. it worked well to me!" her subconscious tells her to die down the boasting, so she flips the script by lessening her praise on herself. "but of course, there were a lot of great competitors. i'm looking forward to seeing what the judges thought and how they can help me in the future!" she's sure to put the thought of her remaining in the competition at the front of her mind, knowing better than to seem pessimistic on camera. if she wanted something, she had to speak it into existence.

"did anyone stand out to you?"

"mm, of course! there was moonbok ( @moonbokrk​ ) ," she says, the name sticking with her. many others did as well, as she'd tried her very best to retain them in case an interview such as this was initiated. she wanted to be a queen, but not careless, after all. she's sure other mentioned him as well, if not for anything for his desirable hair. "i remember seeing him at the first auditions! i mean, of course his hair is beautiful - i want it so bad!" she laughed, twirling her own curled strands. "but aside from that, i didn't expect him to rap! it was really nice." she sits silent for a moment, thinking over other performers that she felt were nice. "to be so young, hohyeon ( @rkhyeon​ ) seemed very confident in himself and his skills. i think he'll have no trouble getting used to the competitive atmosphere."

"were there any performances you liked?"

"oh, a lot!" really, she hadn't been paying attention the first half due to crazy nerves, but she won't let that slip out. of course, being a very opinionated person, sharing her thoughts is in her veins, and it shows in the way she sits up with excitement. after all, they're asking a girl who used to have a mga opinions blog - what did they expect? "well....yoorim's ( @rkaisha​ ) performance was really good! or was her name aisha...? i think she goes by both. anyways, she was such a bada-" she stops herself before the curse can properly exit her mouth, her claim of a graceful queen ringing at the back of her mind. "she was very cool, i genuinely enjoyed watching her perfomance." tapping her fake nails on each other, she tries her best t think of the others she watched. a certain face popped in her head, the younger so eager to support everyone during performances she can't help but support him. "there was also youngjae ( @ericxrk )! he had a lot of enthusiasm, and i have to say, i was really surprised his performance was that good." it's not intentionally a diss, but for such a childish personality it was hard for her to take him seriously as a performer. he'd obviously proved her wrong.

"were there any performances you didn’t like?"

"ah....that's a little rude to answer, right?" scratching her ear, she feigns remorse, but on the inside she's living for this. there'd been a few performances which had been a little underwhelming and she was never afraid to say so....unless it may affect her results. so she spoke carefully, saying her opinion but gentler than she may have otherwise. "i think yewon ( @rkumji ) could have performed a little more confidently. of course, everyone makes mistakes but...what matters is recovering from them. i don't think she did that as well as she could have." to be fair, tingyan's skills weren't top tier, but the way the interviewer looks expectantly proves they were looking for more than a few words to spice up this seasons drama. alright, alright. whatever gets more screentime. "i'd also say vernon ( @rkchwev )?" she says hesitantly. "he was good, don't get me wrong, but the performance was lacking something...maybe fun?" it sounds bad, but it was really the only way she could put it. "i like fun, excitement, all that. it seemed to lack those, which sometimes can be more important than talent."

"what did you think of kyulkyung's performance?"

"jieqiong ( @rkkyul )?" she asks, the second name being the one she remembered in her mind. "it was...good?" she asks, confusion etching her features as she wonders why they'd center the attention on her. she wonders if it's because of their shared hometown, both hailing from shanghai. "she was good! that performance was totally something i'd do," she says, wondering if they were trying to start some sort of rivalry. if anything, foreign muses needed to stick together, so she decided against slandering her. "when she took of the pointe shoes? ah, i was really shocked! i'd be excited to see what she has prepared in the future."

"is there anyone you are certain will move onto the next phase of the mgas?"

"for sure! there's chan ( @rkchris ) - even if i saw some who were better skill wise, he's very creative and shows a lot of promise! i'd imagine they'd want to keep him around. and maybe....haruto ( @rkharuto )?" more than anything, he crosses her mind because he'd looked a little pitiful to her, like a lost puppy as he wandered around the auditions. he was still so little, but more than anything tingyan hoped he'd win the judges favor. “and yuzu ( @yuzurk )? who could forget about her! she has enough confidence to last a lifetime, she may even be able to compete with me! idol material for sure.” when the interviewer coughs to say tingyan’s said more than enough, she blushes and nods in understanding. “alright, that’s all for me! don’t forget about your mga queen - miss chong tingyan!”

#rkmga5 #rkmg5callback #*inhales* y'all ready #moonbokrk #rkhyeon #rkaisha #ericxrk #rkumji #rkchwev #rkkyul #rkchris #yuzurk #❝ solos. ❞ #pHew look y'all i tried so hard to include everyone who asked #i read all your solos but lmk if something's incorrect!! #ok wOw we done!!! #i just fixed some formatting & added a title!

[fishylife]

spoilers for longest day in chang’an ep 23 and 24

I’m halfway through the show and I think that this was a big turning point. Li Bi is no longer in his lofty tower with his crew of intellectuals and now must rely on himself. Same with every other character because now 朝廷 is far too messy and no one can wholly rely on any authority figure.

I knew that Cui Qi was going to die halfway through the show because I spoiled myself like a dumbass. So it wasn’t surprising that it happened. However, I did think that the sequence of scenes could have been a little better executed.

Cui Qi had been wavering between career ambitions and loyalty to the Jingansi for a few episodes, but before episode 23, he’d basically accepted the higher ranking general spot with the 右相. Only in episode 22/23 did he return to Jingansi, but it didn’t really feel like he was returning because he needed to do right by his brother. It just felt like he was returning because he thought it was the right thing to do, and he was bound by morality rather than by love.

The fight scene itself was okay. It wasn’t as refined as some of Zhang Xiaojing’s, but Cui Qi is a more gritty dude, considering his weapon of choice was twin maces. By the way, I was really banking on him whipping out his signature weapon at the very end, because at the very least, he needed to be true to himself.

I’m not totally certain on why Long Bo decided to grant that bit of leniency based on Cui Qi having served in the same squad as him. Anyway, at his death, first Cui Qi had a bite of his bread, which was a tribute to his brother (if I remember correctly), and then on the tag, he wrote Chang’An, which I guess was his other ambition in life, to be there for the people of the city.

During the scene in which Long Bo attacked Jingansi, I thought that Jackson Yee’s performance wasn’t as good as it should have been for such a turning point for Li Bi. When his team was being attacked, Li Bi yelled for the guards, for anybody to help, but they were alone. Li Bi’s dialogue showed his helplessness and his shock, but the delivery just wasn’t there. It really didn’t feel like those words came from the heart like they were supposed to. The words that were said by Li Bi were not the rational, precise words that we would usually hear from Li Bi. They were desperate words by a boy who was mildly panicking. 

Just a side note, Li Bi had called all the scholars back to Jingansi and they were hanging out having goodies before they started working. When they saw Li Bi had arrived, they all scurried over to him and offered him treats. I thought that little part was cute; despite Li Bi technically being their supervisor, I think the scholars, especially the older ones, were perhaps fond of him like a son that they were proud of for being so successful. And when Long Bo had arrived, they were all desperately trying to get Li Bi to hide. Part of that was definitely loyalty, but I think some of that was due to love too.

After the fire, Li Bi went on his own to follow Long Bo, so he’s really on his own now. Li Bi was caught following and taken back to the hideout. I think Long Bo and Wen Ran might try to play mind games with Li Bi, whereas Yu Chang will probably try to beat him up because she’s not so subtle. Somewhere along the way, He Fu may show up. I think if Li Bi talks to any of the four of those characters, we will be able to find out more about their back story. The info they tell Li Bi may not necessarily be that helpful to him, but it would mean something to the audience since we’ve seen more of those characters than Li Bi has.

Now that it’s been established that Tan Qi and Zhang Xiaojing are an item, I’m worried that Tan Qi might be relegated to the “love interest” role. Before, Tan Qi was an extension of Jingansi and despite being a slave, had her own agency and even some authority when acting on Li Bi’s orders. She’s been assigned by Li Bi to help Zhang Xiaojing, but I was pretty sure Zhang Xiaojing could have managed on his own. I think perhaps Li Bi just wanted to have eyes on Zhang Xiaojing, especially because it might’ve been hard for the people in the signalling towers to keep track of him during the festival. Along with the Christian deacon, their first task involved confronting that guy who used to be Zhang Xiaojing’s friend in the army. However, as we could see in that scene though, the deacon and Tan Qi were sort of in the way of Zhang Xiaojing getting real information out. I hope we don’t get more of those scenes. I want to see Tan Qi doing real substantive work, like we know she can.

While I enjoy the Christian deacon as a sort of comedic relief character, as well as a character who had some parkour scenes, I hope he’s more than just a tag along character to Zhang Xiaojing, and that he is able to contribute more to the investigative side of the story.

It seems like the Crown Prince asked 右相 Lin Jiulang to investigate the fire at Jingansi on his behalf. It seemed like Lin Jiulang just wanted to get the matter off of his hands and called on Ji Wen to find the culprit as soon as possible. Ji Wen used the easiest target and pinned Zhang Xiaojing as the culprit of the fire and also of everything bad that had happened that day, including the kidnapping of Wang Yunxiu. 

Now I think Jingansi will become the battlefield of the Crown Prince and Lin Jiulang in the sense that they will use Jingansi as a pawn against each other. In a weird sequence of events, Yao Runeng has sort of become the representative of the scholars of the Jingansi. He was with them from the beginning of the investigation (sort of) so I guess they expected him to stand up for them. He didn’t, and he told the scholars that they have to heed Lin Jiulang’s words, but I think he also did it for self preservation, and the preservation of the scholars’ lives. Yuan Zai had warned Yao Runeng when he was going to confront Ji Wen, but I think Yao Runeng also did want to protect the scholars too. The past few episodes were sort of a coming out for Yao Runeng; he’s stopped being so scared all the time, just wanting to survive and live the rest of his life doing nothing. Instead, I think he realizes that he has a calling here. First it was joining the battle at Jingansi, although he did it a bit late. But I think he will do a bit of his own political maneuvering to get more information, rescue Li Bi, and/or help out Zhang Xiaojing where needed.

It looks like Yuan Zai has become Lin Jiulang and Ji Wen’s default guy to carry out their bidding. However, I refuse to accept that Yuan Zai does not have his own agenda. He has definitely kept Wang Yunxiu with him for political protection. Nobody wanted to let anything happen to her because that would enrage her father, so as a result Yuan Zai himself could be protected too. I also worry that Wang Yunxiu has become a character with no agency. Her only role so far was to get kidnapped, and she’s technically been kidnapped by Yuan Zai too. Like I know Yuan Zai has been treating her well, but as I mentioned about, it really seems like he kept her for political reasons rather than because he actually likes her company. 

General Guo’s been getting more scenes in the past few episodes, with all the messages he’s been delivering to Lin Jiulang, as well as the behind-the-scenes stuff he’s been helping Li Bi with. I wonder if he’s going to continue helping Li Bi.

There’s still a question mark for Wen Ran in terms of how she fits into all of this. We’re probably going to learn more about Zhang Xiaojing’s history with his squadmates, and I think Wen Ran is related to that somehow, considering how her dad died a very strange death in Chang’an.

We also need to find out how Wen Ran and Long Bo are related, to the point that Long Bo considers her his family, and that he’d planned the attack for her.

I think we will also learn more about He Fu’s back story, and maybe more about what exactly Lin Jiulang did to destroy his family. 

I think Lin Jiulang, who was portrayed as the big bad in the beginning and still sort of is, will kind of move to the sidelines. I don’t really think he’s the big bad here. I think he’s just acting out of self interest, rather than anything more sinister than that.

We still haven’t even seen the emperor. From what I’ve seen and heard, it seems like his presence was a little underwhelming, which I get, because we’ve already bonded with all of the other characters already.

I really want to see more of the Crown Prince. I’m pretty sure he has a close relationship with Li Bi, considering Yao Runeng said that he used to supervise them learning and training together when they were younger. However, this Crown Prince isn’t particularly evil or conniving and just seems like a normal dude who’s trying his best. So I want to see how he does his part to help Chang’an, or if he just succumbs to going with the flow of 朝廷.

Yeah, so this half way point was a big change in atmosphere to the story. For one thing, now it’s night time so all the buildings and architecture just feel different. But as I mentioned, Li Bi is on his own so he doesn’t have Xu Bin or his other scholars to give him more information. Now he really has to rely on not only his own smarts, but his own position and reputation (or what remains of it) to not only get out of Long Bo’s grasp, but probably try to get help from 朝廷.

I’m mentally preparing myself because as some people said, the episodes later on get really draggy. But I’m still excited to see how everything unfolds. I’m also excited to see my favourite characters overcome their challenges. 

I’m really falling in love with Chang’an the city, which is first and foremost the main character of the story, let’s be real here. All the characters speak about Chang’an like it’s a spirit or treasure to be protected, and they’re right. What they have in Chang’an is so special. Ahhh I’m trying to be cautiously optimistic but I really am excited. 

#thinking out loud #thoughts #tv #the longest day in chang'an #長安十二時辰

[oscar-isaacs-number-one-bitch]

“Aquaman” Movie Review

Aquaman is DC’s sixth and latest entry into their cinematic universe, and the first since the severely underwhelming box office results of Justice League made us all question whether or not this attempt at replicating Marvel Studios’ success was ever actually going to succeed post-Wonder Woman. This film finds Insidious and Conjuring director James Wan helming the story of Arthur Curry, the son of a lighthouse keeper from Amnesty Bay and the Queen of the underwater kingdom of Atlantis. After the events of Justice League, as well as a submarine rescue in which he encounters the man who will become Black Manta, Arthur returns home to his father. It isn’t long, however, before Princess Mera finds him, and warns him of a coming threat: Arthur’s brother, King Orm, means to declare war on the surface world, and everyone in it. If he is to be stopped, Arthur must put off the grudge he has against his people (whom he has denied because they supposedly killed his mother), and become the hero he is meant to be.

If there were a single word to describe what I felt sitting in the theater watching Aquaman for the first time, I wouldn’t know what it would be. I’ll say ahead of time that Wonder Woman is absolutely still DC’s strongest film to date, but the sheer level of commitment this movie has to its mid-2000’s levels of cheese and pulp give it an affecting charm not too many superhero films find themselves openly sporting in the modern day. Many superhero films, especially when it comes to those put out by either Marvel Studios or Warner Bros, have a particular dispensation towards either hard-hitting emotional drama or outright action comedy, so to see something so bizarre as Aquaman’s singular commitment to its premise that sounds like something a 10-year-old playing with action figures would have written significant portions of is really something quite special to witness.

This is all thanks to the visionary direction of James Wan, a man so adept at building worlds and creating wholly unique atmospheres for actors to play in that he might as well have actually gone underwater to the kingdom of Atlantis just to get some primary location photography. Seriously, the underwater worlds in this thing are genuine stunners with easily the best bioluminescent environments and effects on screen since James Cameron’s Avatar (not that anyone’s really tried all that hard since anyhow). Traveling through the kingdoms of Atlantis, the Brine, etc, is wonderous and somewhat frustrating, but only because you’re taken through it so quickly you never stay long enough to drink in every bit of visual beauty this movie has to offer. But if you thought the visuals and central premise of an Atlantian superhero having to find a trident and fight a war against his brother underwater for the safety of the world is the most absurd thing in Aquaman, you are not prepared for the hurricane that’s about to hit.

About one third of the way through the second act, there are a number of montages that occur all within about ten minutes of each other and feature the only three songs in the entire movie whilst the rest of its runtime is filled with a mostly workable but never-quite-finds-its-footing score from Harry Gregson-Williams. These montages begin with a sort of half-committed Baywatch tribute that features a cover of Africa by Toto (sung by musical artist Rhea), which is mixed in with a rap by Mr. Worldwide himself (Pitbull). Not even half an hour later, the film sports another fantasy tribute by setting a Tangled­-esque scene between Arthur and Mera in a shoreside town near the same beach. It really is quite something to witness this movie simply take a break from itself in the middle of the second act just to play three music video montages in a row and then get right back to the action that brought the characters there.

Speaking of action, this is some of the most unique and kinetic the DC Extended Universe has ever had. Given the premise that most of the fighting in Aquaman is based around one-on-one trident warfare and hand-to-hand combat, what of the action isn’t grandiose superpower grandstanding has to be very up close and personal bow staff style fight choreography, and the way it plays out is a beautiful thing to see. It’s wonderfully edited during the up close and personal stuff, and some of the tracking shots during the larger battles between civilizations are truly some of the best in DC’s pantheon. I suppose if there were any negatives to the action sequences, it would likely be that most of them start the same way, with the characters getting quiet and then an explosion rocking them back to preparedness, which wouldn’t be a problem except that it occurs four or five times throughout the film, thus costing each subsequent surprise attack its effectiveness by making it too much of a habit.

But enough about the action and visually stimulating underwater worlds; how are the characters? A film can have all the spectacle in the world, but without proper character, it’s going to flounder. The characters in Aquaman? They’re…fine. Truth be told, anyone who wasn’t already on board with Jason Momoa’s bro culture rendition of the title character isn’t necessarily going to be won over by his mostly stilted but badass-in-action-scenes performance here, but they do tone down a lot of his more annoying quirks he was introduced with in Justice League, and that should count for something. Momoa is a physically dominant force as Arthur Curry, but whether it was some of the line he was given or because maybe he’s just not been with the right directors yet, his performance here really only reaches dynamic screen presence levels; there’s not a lot of room for nuance in his acting, and while that may be for the best given the kind of performer he is, it does hurt the film a bit overall.

Showing up again as well for round two is Amber Heard as Princess Mera, who more than fits the part as the woman trying to get the reluctant hero to do the hero’s arc because it’s important for him to know he can do it on his own (and she easily has the best costume design in the entire thing), but part of her arc has to do with her relationship to Arthur, and it gets a little confusing because this had supposedly already been covered in Justice League. She does really well for what she’s given to work with, but unfortunately Momoa just doesn’t give off a lot. Also here is veteran Wan-man Patrick Wilson, turning yet another leaf in the journey of acting circles around everyone even with a somewhat messy script to work with. As King Orm, he’s act once fiercely commanding and brilliantly emotive, but he never takes his performance so far as to overshadow Arthur’s main narrative. Willem Dafoe is in…something, but it’s not Aquaman. Seeing him show up as Valko is a real treat to watch, but largely because he’s such an interesting performer, it’s almost like he’s brought back his Norman Osbourne character to teach Jason Momoa how to swim. I’m sure the character probably matters more in the comics, but here, he just feels unnecessary, despite the joy just seeing Willem Dafoe on screen brings.

The unsung hero of this movie, though, at least in terms of performance, is unquestionably Nicole Kidman, who runs the emotional gambit from motherly chiding/affection to kick-ass warrior queen to awestruck-but-terrified literal fish-out-of-water in just her first fifteen minutes of screen time so smoothly and so expertly you’d think she might actually pull an Oscar nomination out of this. She really is having a great year performance-wise between this, Big Little Lies, Boy Erased, and the upcoming Destroyer, and it’s really been quite something to see her come back mid-50’s and show up everyone on any screen she shares by her sheer level of talents and commitment to character. In fact, her part in this movie might not just be the most compelling of the character turns, but also of the plot threads – it actually moved me, and cut right to the heart.

Some negatives about the film (besides what I’ve mentioned already) would include fairly subpar editing and lack of narrative focus; it’s not exactly bad most of the time right up until the second act where the music video montages come in and feel incredibly out of place in this already two and a half hour long movie (that you absolutely do feel the length of during the transition to act three), but it is somewhat off-putting, especially when certain scenes seem to either just start right in the middle of what was probably a longer take, or they’re just strangely placed as if they’re out of order and the editor just forgot about it. It kind of seems like part of the time, it doesn’t know what it wants to be about, and this is particularly felt during the scenes with Black Manta, who (while cool) doesn’t seem like he really was necessary to include this time around. The sound design also sometimes makes things difficult to hear since a lot of it takes place underwater, and while I certainly understand the need to communicate that, it might have been better left to the visuals to communicate, as the effects sometimes blurs certain lines and entire character monologues get lost. In addition, some of the visual effects (while there are a lot that are incredible to see) are actually pretty subpar, particularly wherein green screen is used to give location background to actors that are clearly acting against nothing during a beach training scene where most of the close up shots are straight on rather than from the side or done with two people in frame.

Still, despite its somewhat obvious flaws, Aquaman is the sort of rock and roll good-time superhero movie 10-year-old me would have eaten up. It’s cheesier than a white man’s casserole and pulpier than Tarantino’s back catalogue, but its sheer commitment to the dumb fun of it all really makes it a charming wave to ride. The visuals and costume design are all (mostly) immaculate, and the overlong runtime, while noticeable, doesn’t overshadow the film’s fair share of crowd-cheer moments so cool you wanna jump out of your seat. It may be quite bizarre even for DC, but their innate faith in James Wan’s filmmaking prowess and risk-taking shows they’re taking a few steps (or swims) in the right direction.

I’m giving “Aquaman” a 7.8/10

#Aquaman #Movie Review #The Friendly Film Fan #Jason Momoa #Amber Heard #Willem Dafoe #Patrick Wilson #Dolph Lundgren #DC #DC Comic #Warner Bros #Warner Brothers #Film #Movie #Review #DCEU #DC Extended Universe

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @whostheblondegirlwriting for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely E, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

*Disclaimer from E, herself: If you’re looking for some sage-like writery advice...keep lookin’. You won’t find it here. This whole fic writing endeavor is an adventure in “[shrugs] We’ll see what happens”. Behold! An odyssey of half-assed, one line inspo. Marvel at the absolute appalling lack of plotting and vision. Tremble at the underwhelming realization that “Huh. I could do better than that”. In short, at least you don’t pay money for this, right?

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

I have no idea, honestly. I signed up for AO3 to actually share it though in September 2015 when I was 36. So we’ll go with that.

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I think I have done more reader inserts than OC, counting all the tumblr oneshots. But you can actually create something substantial with an OC. An OC makes you work. I prefer them.

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

I don’t know if I’ve done enough variety to have a fav, honestly.

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

I wouldn’t. They’re all mine and I’m proud of each of them, no matter how popular (or maybe I should say, unpopular) they are/were.

5) When is your preferred time to write?

Whenever I have the time! I’m not picky, because time is very hard to come by with my job anymore and the fact that my husband doesn’t know I write. Morning, noon, or night for me. It can be hard to sneak it in and still get everything else done.

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

I don’t have a good answer for this and I’m laughing to myself thinking I should have one. Lol An idea comes up and I write it. That’s it. Shameful, I know.

7) In your Back to One series, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

Oh, damn. Uhhh...I think I liked Sebastian fumbling through his confession to Lily in Montauk. But I also probably had the most fun with the “champagne incident” because it was for my tumblr-lifemate,  @ceebeetumbles.

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

Nope. It is what it is. You can’t please everyone and I don’t try. As long as I like it, it’s good enough. It’s not like anyone’s paying me for this, anyway. Lol

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

Hmm. Right now, I’d have to say Jack Rollins, because he preoccupies so much of my writing lately. Besides his own fic, he’s also featuring in an AU for Echo that’s in draft. Considering he had two lines in Winter Soldier, I’m very proud of the interest and love my Jack gets.

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

Chris Evans, for right now. Only because he has been less than inspirational for some time due to his relative inactivity and, uh, [ahem] some personal choices he made. But I’m optimistic he’ll come back.

11) How did you come up with the title for the Back to One series?

The main character, Lily, goes through some personal and professional ups and downs as an actress. The phrase “back to one” is a direction for actors to go back to their first mark, so I thought it was fitting, as Lily would hopefully get things right, find her best self again, and have a fresh start as she meets different situations and opportunities in her story.

12) How did you come up with the idea for the Back to One series?

I thought I’d write a Sebastian Stan fic and figured a good match for him (and someone to help drive the story) would be an actress. But then I considered an OC like Lily could have more angles to write and it became really an OC fic that features Sebastian Stan. Oops.

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I haven’t ever abandoned a fic. I refuse to give up on A Touch Up and do write a line or two here and there, just nowhere near the volume I need to publish a full chapter like I used to. It ended up on the shelf because Chris Evans got so boring after Civil War premiered and the fic is literally built on what he was doing in his everyday life. I also have a personal distaste for Jenny Slate and I guess you could say his decision to date her made me doubt the version of him I’d created in ATU, which is a problem when your fic is paired so purposefully around the assumptions I/we all had made by that time about him.

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

I’m doing it. Echo was my pet project and, though it has my smallest following for a WIP, I had enough demand/interest for the story to be told from another character’s perspective that Jack Rollins and the STRIKE Series were born. There’ll be some unexpected things along the way in that series that I hope those fans/readers enjoy.

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

No. I’ve only ended a couple fics (Echo and Kindness). Everything else is still a WIP or open ended series that publishes oneshots every once in awhile. The rest of my work is basically oneshots.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Don’t laugh at me when I say I admire anyone who puts their work out there, even if it’s just a paragraph long imagine only on tumblr. It takes a lot of nerve, no matter what level your work is at or how big the scope. I’ve seen some good, bad, and ugly fic floating around, but I see value in it all and love seeing experience/determination help the writer evolve.

We ain’t all Hemingways or Shakespeares. And that’s okay. Some of the best writers don’t have thousands of followers and get hundreds of notes (but deserve them). And some of the behemoths out there aren’t necessarily turning out mind blowing fic, either. It’s a crapshoot and fandom can be fickle (if not downright confusing af).

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Not at all. If it posts, I’m happy with it.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Either is fine. I probably write more in quiet, though, because my husband works 3rd shift, so I’m mindful not to disturb him.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

No. Closest I could say to giving me my own feels was when I wrote The Death of Brock Rumlow (when it existed as part of the original Echo plot).

20) Which part of your Back to One series was the hardest to write?

I’m happy to say I don’t think there’s been a hard part to write for Back To One, or any of my fics. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it!

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

Nope. No outlines or plans. I pretty much just sit down and write. If inspiration doesn’t hit, I’ll switch to a different WIP. If I have an idea for a line or scene I might make a note for later (maybe just a few words to point me in the right direction/remind me, or a line or two of dialogue), but once I get to it, I usually just write it out at once.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction?

How little time I’d have down the road for it. Maybe I wouldn’t have run such long WIPs/fics at a time. It feels like it’s been 100 years since I had time to open requests and I had to abandon a weekly posting schedule for 3 WIPs earlier this year because I just don’t have the time to manage the volume I used to anymore.

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

OMG yes! Echo and its companion fic, Jack Rollins (and I’ll probably say the same for the au/the STRIKE series). At this point, I can confidently say the following for Echo didn’t carry over to Jack Rollins, but I knew both were niche fics in the beginning anyway. I’m grateful for the attention Echo got, but it was such a labor of love, I’d have liked to see it do better. I may only have several regular readers for Jack Rollins commenting or reblogging, but those few readers and myself are the ones I wrote it for, and that I’ll keep posting it for until it’s finished, regardless of how tiny the readership because I love it.  

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Not in an “oh, geez. Not that again” way. More like a “oh, stop. I can’t believe you guys like it that much” kind of humbled eye roll.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Obviously the celebrities like Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan, technically yeah. I have no doubt that some of my own ticks, experiences, etc have made it into a character or plot, or things from people I know or have come across. Things you don’t necessarily draw lines between on purpose but maybe catch on to later, sure.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

Any of the comments or messages from people who say they cried, laughed out loud in public, got way too giddy, or held their breath because of something I wrote.  They make me so happy, just to see someone got so lost or involved in a moment means I did a good job. Having someone say they reread a fic (or are reading for the X time) is a hell of a compliment, too.

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

It was about A touch Up and how I had given the reader insert character, or implied, too much description (ex. noting that POC don’t blush as often as this girl did, when I wrote it as that feeling in the cheeks anyone can experience to convey her nervousness/embarrassment/etc at those points in the story so people maybe shared that sense as they read, not that she frequently ran around with a noticeable flush) and that, although I may not have said it outright, things like that apparently had made her so that she was obviously white. That ruined it for the commenter, despite there not actually being that much said about appearance in the story.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

Rarely. @ceebeetumbles gets a snippet of a chapter thrown at her once in a very blue moon, if I want to be sure something isn’t too cliché or generally awful. Lol But there’s a chance she’s reading along with the fic, so I may not send the whole chapter. I don’t plot per se or collaborate with anyone though.

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

Just the lovely people who’ve visited me on Tumblr or AO3.

30) What’s you favorite minor character you’ve written?

It’s a toss up between Frank Grillo’s appearance in A Touch Up and Jack Rollins or Eric Mickelson in Echo. I’m also a little fond of Drew Madison in Back To One.

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

That I told you I’d post an update to a WIP, promised a drabble, or set a deadline that a request would be done by. So, really just my self-imposed “schedule”.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

I don’t really have one.

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

Nnnope. Lol

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

It’s a toss up between angst and fluff. They both come pretty easily. Honestly, smut is exhausting to write and I do so little of it because I don’t want it to be repetitive. Fluff is always fun. But, man...the possibilities with angst are pretty limitless, so maybe I’d lean a little more that way.

#milestone celebration #ask the author #whostheblondegirlwriting

[aprilskyforever]

Henny ranks Eurovision 2018 (fifth and final edition, after the contest)

I still can’t believe it happened, that I actually was there. In the arena. I saw 34 of the 43 acts live, from one distance or another. 10 of them from both. Let me tell you this first: Gabe told me before the trip that all acts would be better live, and he was right. Live, even Russia and San Marino were good. But in this final ranking, I’ve taken all aspects in concern: studio before the show, preparties, sound and show live in the arena, sound and show on tv. And for some, it differs a lot between the factors. But i’ll get to that in the comments for each individual song. Now, let’s go!

1 Italy. My winner since the beginning, and it remained that way. I just feel too strongly for these two men and their song to let them be passed by someone else. I can’t do that. Even if Cyprus beats them in staging. Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente never fails to make me Feel stuff, it hits me right in my heart, and Ermal’s voice is like honey and a magnificent contrast to Fabrizio’s raspy tune. 2 Cyprus (+3). When the song was released I didn’t fully believe in it, due to the heavy autotune on the studio version. But I always thought, if Eleni can pull this off live, this can be really dangerous. She never got to prove her talent until the actual broadcast, and I don’t gamble, but after semi 1 I would have placed my bets on her. Flawless staging (my only complaint is that it was tad bit too much choreography in the first verse), Sacha proves once again what a pro she is. And Eleni, what a queen she is! Completely owning the stage. I stand in awe. 3 Czech Republic. I’m forever impressed by and soft for this man. Brilliant staging - when he did the jumps and flips in the end I completely lost it, I was blown away. Very slick staging and performance, and the song always makes me want to dance. Please, Czech TV, tell me that this wasn’t a once in a lifetime thing! 4 Ukraine (-2). Now, I’ll be honest. Albeit a cool staging, the song doesn’t quite hit me live as it does in studio. It might be that I don’t like Mélovin’s styling, that there’s too much going on on stage, that the bass isn’t as heave as it should be... who knows. I love him and I love the song, but there was just Something missing.   5 Sweden (-1). My man! You made me be proud of my country again! It’s funny, because I’ve never really liked Benji before, even if I’ve known about him since... well 2006? But there’s something about the song, his voice and moves, and the neon bed that makes me soften. Being so far behind in televote was rather painful, I must admit that. 6 Germany (+5). This made me tear up when I saw it in the arena. I haven’t lost my father or anything, but this was simply beautiful and Michael filled it with so much emotion, it was so impressive and it hit me right in the heart on an Italy level. It really deserved its high placing. 7 Israel (+8). She really knew how to get the party started. I’ll be honest and say it’s really not my favourite song and I’ve grown rather tired of it, but it will forever be associated with the moment on Praca do Commercio when Gabe realized it had won, the happiness on his face. And the singing along, how we waved the flag, how we danced, how everyone was looking at us. In that moment, I absolutely loved it.  8 Austria. One of the best songs of the year, without a doubt. In one way I understand why it did so well with the juries, it really is that kind of song, however, live, it didn’t really feel that... exciting? Tickling? In a way that a winner does. Doesn’t really hits your most inner core you know? 9 Denmark (+3). This song climbing is all thanks to the audience, to be honest. They made this song grow. All aboard the viking ship! Or as we say up here, alle man ombord! 10 Finland (-4). Still also one of my favourites this year in terms of song only, the Debs are one brilliant duo. Staging was cool, although it was sort of missing a red thread? It felt a little messy? But I still loved it. 11 Moldova (-2). Oh Julija, I’m so sorry to not fit them into the top 10! I promise I still love them, I love the staging, and I’m weak for the song. Only thing throwing me off is the mixing live, the levels don’t feel just right. 12 Norway (+4). This was the first song I heard live and I’m still weak for it. Really a great party starter. Rybak may not be very helpful with song writing tips, but he sure knows how to deliver a performance and how to charm an audience. 13 Switzerland (-6). Oh my darlings, my darlings I’m so sorry... I really wished I could have seen this in the final. I’ll forever be weak for Coco. 14 Hungary (+7). This year’s big grower! If I’m not mistaken, it started out as my dead last because heavy metal isn’t my genre at all. But then I actually gave the song a chance. And in the arena, good lord help me how good it was. On TV, not as much, but this was absolutely one of the coolest acts to see live. 15 Albania (+2). I adore him, I adore the staging for this, I adore the intro of the song. It sounds so promising and always puts me in a good mood, makes me anticipate something. The only bad thing is the chorus, that thing I’m anticipating, it never really comes you know? But he’s Turt’s favourite and meeting him will forever have a place in my heart. 16 Ireland (+4). I’m forever grateful to whoever came up with the idea to make the music video come alive on stage. It fits so perfectly and lifts the song to sky high levels.   17 Bulgaria (-3). It’s Solid. That’s what I’ve always said. Sounds like Skeletons, but where Skeletons is wandering in an eerie forest with a slight feeling of anxiety, yet anticipation, Bones is being more sure of what’s going on, it’s walking with a steady pace on a wide path, not being afraid of what the eerie forest hides.  18 Australia. Oh, she always makes me so happy, and so does the song. But the chorus still sounds like a bridge, and the dancing felt... not really right, I felt she was too alone on stage. Live, however, this was absolutely stunning. 19 France (-9). This is a sleek song, I do like the sound of it, but by now it has honestly become a bit boring. And I’m sorry. 20 Slovenia (+9). Her charisma, choreography and staging really made up for the underwhelming beat in the chorus that had always put me off before. Now, I didn’t mind it. Also a really good live song. 21 Portugal (-8). Everytime I hear this song, I still wait for it to take off fo real, and it never does. It’s so beautiful, it keeps growing, but it never blooms into the full garden that I expect. And that’s a shame. 22 Latvia (+2). Where Croatia did it wrong, Latvia did it right, in a way. Good angles, good song, she made it work by being alone on stage. Maybe she was a bit too stiff and choreographed though. 23 Belarus (-4). You know, I don’t mind the rose, nor do I mind the song at all. His whole performance was alright, but somewhere I understand why I didn’t qualify.  24 Montenegro (+2). Oh this sweet man! The gift that keeps on giving. He deserved better. 25 Netherlands (+15). This song is such a water divider for me. I’ve grown tired of it and him, but then when I heard it live and saw him on TV it actually wasn’t that bad? It’s like I couldn’t resist it?  26 Greece (-1). This is the best Greece has sent since... 2014. Yeah. But the semi was too strong and I’m honestly happy it stayed where it did. However I’m not happy with the fact that This Is Love qualified last year, and this didn’t. But that’s just how it be sometimes. 27 Spain (+6). When 5000 Spanish fans sing along, you can’t resist it yourself. It’s rather sweet, to be honest. 28 Belgium (-1). Whoever staged and styled this number must be fired asap. Sennek looked like a ghost from a prison cell instead of the elvish and sophosticated lady I got to know in the video. Shame on such a beautiful song. 29 Lithuania (+1). Sure, it’s sweet, but it never hit me like it seemed to do to others.  30 Azerbaijan (-8). It felt... plastic. Detached. Without sincereness, if that’s even a word. But do you get what I mean? 31 Armenia. Beautiful, but it just did nothing for me. 32 Estonia. No, I don’t deny talent and I will recognize and admit the staging was stunning. But it dosen’t make up for the fact that I’ve never liked the song itself, and knowing the lyrics sound ridiculous to someone who speaks Italian, it just adds to it. 33 United Kingdom (+6). Also irresistable live! SuRie really is a very talented artist who deserves a much, much better song that Storm. 34 Poland (-11). I’ve always thought this was alright and it has always put me in a good mood, but after seeing it on TV I cringed a lot, Lukas vocals were far from where they should have been and so was his confidence. And Gromee himself? He felt very awkward. Like a dad who crashes his teenage girls birthday disco to dance along and embarrasses his daughter beyond limits. I shrug, in a bad way. 35 Serbia. This song is a bit all over the place and that really does put me off. Like it’s not... bad, but it doesn’t convince me. 36 Romania (-2). Solid, like Bulgaria, but far from as interesting. And what on earth was that staging?  37 Malta (+1). Cool staging, but I’ve never liked the song and I probably never will. 38 Georgia (-10). Sure it’s beautiful, but this song being in Eurovision just feels so... off? And the staging was so uninteresting. 39 Croatia (-3). Franka, darling, why did you have to be so attached to your mic stand? And being alone on stage? Bad choice. Didn’t help to make the song interesting like it should. 40 Iceland (+1). Oh my boy, my sweet sweet boy... you, like SuRie, really deserved a better song. Please come back with that ok? 41 San Marino (+2). So the song is horrible, but live this was actually kinda fun. Not to mention I love the robots with their signs. Amazing. 42 FYR Macedonia (-5). Man... Macedonia disappoints with staging and styling again. Can someone fire whoever is in charge already? My barbara dex winner by a mile, and I never liked the song to begin with either. 43 Russia (-1). You know, live it didn’t sound so bad. But on TV? Good lord help me. And lord help Yulia. Shame on Russian TV for treating her like this.

And there you have it! I had an absolute blast this season and it will, for very obvious reasons, always have a special place in my heart. Now set sail, and cross the Mediterranian, and we’ll see you again Israel!

#eurovision ranking #eurovision #esc #eurovision 2018 #aprilskyforever

[gabriellapatterson-blog]

Birthday First Date

A/N: Altivo doesn’t like being ignored. Thanks @wyattschreave for the rp! Also there’s another authors note at the end because I didn’t wanna give something away but it’s funny! Also the first picture is for the romance, 2nd is humor/realism. BEcause Altivo is there which they seem to forget about +shes small so tiptoes even with him hunched over

Breakfast had been pretty fun for me. I couldn’t help but side glance at Wyatt every few minutes. I just felt so happy. He was my boyfriend now and he was right there and we were eating breakfast together and it was my birthday! I kept twirling my hair as we made light conversation as we normally would have.

I walked back from breakfast happy after having gotten to see Wyatt while we ate. I was so thankful that my seat had just happened to be right next to Wyatt's.

My eyebrows furrowed as I saw a small box in my room on my bed. Who could that be from? I grinned hoping it was Wyatt and saw it was from Ben.

I was confused. Why would Ben give me anything? I mean it was my birthday but he was awfully busy and I wasn’t even competing for him anymore.

I opened up the box and saw a note that looked exactly like the one from the penguin meme. Oh, so that was a hint. My smile returned as I knew it was from Wyatt now. He was being sneaky with our super secret relationship. No one knew. Just us two.

“yOU BETTER HAVE NOT EXPECTED IT TO BE FROM BEN. that would be a pretzel affair. I couldn't really get you anything interesting at midnight but I figured I might as well make something that would get you to laugh. happy birthday, cupcake"

I chuckled and plopped down onto my bed and looking through the pictures in the box. There were the pictures from when my family came and one of my staring at the napkin cocoon with an intense hatred.

I smiled as I saw the pictures for the first time. It was funny to remember my thoughts and moods while they had been taken and to see them there.

Like my annoyance at my dad poking fun at me for telling Wyatt about my cupcake phase which had become his nickname for me. I had been annoyed when he started using it. I knew it was meant to annoy me and he had succeeded. But as time had progressed it grew on me. Now I found it sweet.

It reminded me of fun moments talking with him. And the day my subconscious decided I was too oblivious to notice I liked Wyatt on my own so it through a dream at me. Talking with Wyatt as he sat in a chair beside my bed. My ankle hurt so I couldn't stand up and my hip had stitches so I couldn’t really sit up. He had brought me toast. It was sweet how he had noticed I loved the toast in the morning.

In another photo I saw my fear as I tried to balance with books stacked on my head and one foot off the ground as Ellie had demanded. I was holding onto Wyatt’s hand tightly both because I didn’t want to fall and because I hadn’t had the chance to hold his hand before.

I hadn’t noticed he was smirking down at me from over his shoulder. If I had I’m sure I would have chewed him out. I laid back down in bed and looked over the picture. I think it’s my favorite. It just perfectly got how I felt, and I love seeing Wyatt’s face looking down at me. I couldn’t help but smile giddily and I set the photo down on my bedside table.

I flipped through more of the photos and got to a sea of photos of Mashed Potato.

“Amazing.” I mumbled looking at the adorable little chub chow dog.

Then there was another picture. This one though, was of Wyatt. He was much younger maybe ten to twelve. Making almost a duck face. He probably was just talking but it came out like one which made me snort a bit.

I considered going to see him but decided I should wait. Since he may be worried about us being caught even though I’m sure I could be 100% sneaky. OH CRAP HAZELS RIGHT NEXT TO WYATT. My face went red as I realized she probably had totally picked up on all my flirting during breakfast.

Okay so maybe I’m not the best at being sneaky. But I’m just not good at keeping things inside. I just feel so delighted that I want to act on it.

My face went red and I picked up my phone and told Emma everything. I mean it was Emma. I couldn’t not tell Emma and she wouldn't tell anyone. She could be very tight lipped, well with secrets not with Jonathan, apparently.

We talked on the phone for a long while since she was driving and hated driving in silence.

Finally, I had to leave my room again since it was lunch time. This time I tried to be a little less flirty but still ended up talking with him a bit more than we normally would have. Maybe Hazel’s bad at noticing things, like me?

After lunch I went back to my room and saw a note on the floor barely inside the room. I picked it up and read it was from Wyatt saying I should come visit him at the stables if I was bored.

There were still things I could do and girls to talk to before I was eliminated, but my heart jumped at the idea of seeing Wyatt again so soon. So I quickly rushed down to the stables.

My eyes had caught him before he had caught me, so I slowly crept up from behind him. Planning to surprise him with the aim of seeing if he had a girlish fear scream or not.

The horse he had been petting blew in his face putting his hair out of place, “We're out of apples, stop messing my hair up. I actually need it to look nice today.” I smiled thinking he may want to look nice for me since this could count as our first official date.

I got closer behind him before I yelled, “BOO!”

His reaction was underwhelming. Mission failed. I’ll have to try harder next time. Wyatt jumped and looked over his shoulder as the horse neighed which frightened me a bit. Then wyatt ran a hand through his messy hair and blinked, “Hey, so you were bored?”

I bit the inside of my cheek and pouted a little, “I was hoping for more of a yelp than a jump. And nope, I wasn't bored. I wanted to hang out with you.” I said then leaned a bit to the side to get a better look of the horse since Wyatt was in front of it and made eyes a little cautiously but also threateningly like I was establishing dominance.

“I'm not easily scared.” He then leaned down our faces close, causing me to blush. His eyes narrowed for a split second before he, while smiling smugly, poked both my cheeks, each with an index finger, “Nice chipmunk.”

I grabbed his fingers and then took his hands, pulling him down a little so I could reach better, then stood on my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek, “I may be a chipmunk when I glare but you're a tomato with pink ears when you blush.”

His ears went pink to prove my point even further, “Well- you know, you can't just do stuff like that in public. Kinda dampers on this secret we're trying to uphold.”

Oh right secret! I looked around quickly but tried to keep my cool as there was no one around, “There's no one around so it's fine. It's only secret around other people. I bet you just want me to not fluster you so you don't get pink ears. Which just makes me want to more.” I added with a chuckle.

“Maybe,” He replied with a smile before we were very rudely interrupted ™.

Wyatt was pushed forward by the horse causing me to blush. Wyatt blinked down as he stared into my eyes and cleared his throat, “So um, that's Altivo.”

I would have stepped away since Wyatt was now extremely close to me but my attention had shifted to the horse, “He seems to want more attention. I take it he's named after the horse in Road to El Dorado? Or does he just fit the name?” I asked.

He finally pulled back just a bit, “Both. Both. Both is good.”

I burst out laughing at the reference to the historic line, “Good use.”

I then approached Altivo, my slight glare returning, “Hello, horse.”

“You already know his name.” Wyatt said before the horse got all up in my space and was way too close causing me to take a few steps back as it looked at me with those murderous eyes.

“I don't like horses thus they should be called horse. You'd be insulted if you were called human, right? It's an insult.”

Wyatt made a face attempting to belittle me even though I have highly legitimate reasons for my disliking. He then crossed his arms and spoke up, “He's just trying to say hello. No need to insult him.”

“He said hello in a rude way. Invading my personal space.”

“That's kind of how horses show affection. But if you don't want to he won't.” The horse then moved its snout over to Wyatt’s head as he stood haughtily like the horse, not uncrossing his arms, “See?”

“He has teeth, right?”

“Yes, just like you do.”

“Yes, but he's significantly more scary.” I replied before deciding to try again. I couldn't be a chicken. Not in front of Wyatt. So I tried to scoot a little closer to the horse but was ready to bolt at any sudden movements.

Wyatt took a step back from the horse resulting in Altivo’s attention to shift to me. He lowered his head to examine me with his creepy eyes, “It don’t bite.” Wyatt mumbled referencing the vine with the aggressive dog.

I stiffened as the horse got closer but turned my attention to Wyatt’s poor choice of words, “THE DOG FROM THAT VINE IS VERY AGGRESSIVE SO THAT'S A POOR CHOICE.”

Wyatt tilted his head, “I’m confused. What do you exactly think he’s going to do to you? He’s not going to bite you to see if you’re food. That’s exclusively shark behavior.”

“Don't be mean to the sharks, they're just confused. And I've seen the movies. Horses are always the ultimate traitors. It could do anything.”

“Such as....what exactly?”

“We have been over this. For example one left Anna to die and get hypothermia in frozen.”

“Right. But that’s only one example and you’re not riding him.”

“But it was an example of malicious intent.” I huffed and crossed my arms.

“Does he seem malicious?” Wyatt asked as the horse started to sniff my arm.

I thought for a moment, “.....no.” Then decided to try something and pat the horse.

The horse decided he hated me and pulled his head up and out of my reach, Wyatt chuckled a bit at my failure like the kindest boyfriend. “He likes it better when he can see you.” He explained. Oh. Then Wyatt grabbed my arm and moved me a bit more to the side so the horse could see better.

“Try again.”

I looked at the horse who looked back at me. He looks at me. And I look at him. And he looks at me. And I look at hIM.

“Oh right they have those weird side eyes. It's odd. Why not have eyes in the front? Isn't seeing what's in front of you more important?”  

The horse lowered himself even further which just annoyed me. Even the horse has decided to get on the mocking my height bandwagon?

“I honestly wouldn’t want to see a horse with it’s eyes more in the middle than they already are. That would be kinda creepy. But they can see what’s in front of them by tilting their head slightly, so it’s not that hard. The way their eyes work is more beneficial for them.”

I stifled a laugh thinking about horses with eyes in the middle of their heads, “Yeah I hadn't put the image of that in my head. I feel a little insulted by how much he's lowered his head, but since horses are tall I've decided to let it go. So what does Altivo like to do?” I asked.

Wyatt laughed, “He’s trying to be nice! But as for what he likes to do... I’d say he enjoys being a show off though.”

I mumbled as I spoke to the horse, “Me too, Altivo, me too.”

I then turned to Wyatt, “Does he like grapes? I can't remember which of the horses Fee fed grapes too. I just stayed back and avoided eye contact with them and talked with her.”

Wyatt chuckled at that, “I’m sure she gave him some despite me saying not to. He’s kind of spoiled so I try not to add.. but I guess just so he likes you more I can make an exception.” He then walked off somewhere and came back with two apples, “Apples are better.” He explained then held one out to me. “He likes them more because he’s an asshole so eating apples is his aesthetic.”

I laughed at his eating apples= joke asshat, which made me think of cinemasins. I should check if they have a new video later. “He's very relatable. Does he eat the cores?” I asked referencing my rant on people eating apple cores.

Wyatt smirked and took a knife out to cut out a section of the apple, “Sometimes, but I don't let him do it often.”

“That's good. Makes him not a weirdo. The seeds probably have toxins and deathly things in them anyways.” I mumbled not fully knowing what I was talking about but I knew I had heard somewhere that the seeds were bad.

“Well, apple seeds are actually not as bad as people make them sound. Especially not to pets. The amount of cyanide within a few seeds is so minimal that it’s really not a concern. Too many apples a day isn't good though. Just like too many of anything isn't good.” Oh.

Suddenly, Altivo decided to bust in and go for the apple I hadn’t given him yet. I’M NOT READY TO STINGY HORSE. I SWEAR!

I huffed and backed up from the horse. Gotta wait for me to be ready. “I disagree. There are some things you can have as many as you want of in a day and it's fine. Like naps, showers, baths, conversations with you.” I finally replied.

Wyatt laughed and stood up to move closer to me, “I was mostly thinking of food rather than activities.”

“I'm glad you think that though.” He added.

I smiled and looked up at him, “Of course. Conversations with you are normally pretty fun as long as you don't decide to huff off and leave in the middle of it assuming I'll follow you. Though, now I probably would, but still my jab works.”

Wyatt gave me a crooked smile, “That was my mistake. I think I prefer dragging you places rather than expecting you to follow now. Otherwise it's no fun.”

“Ah yes, the much more sane version. Just grab the wrist and drag. Though, last night being dragged into a random room was an experience. Especially, because it was fun to see you look around in panic and being all flustered after calling you my boyfriend.” I added to which I got to see his face turn into a solid tomato red shade yet again.

“It was a reasonable response. We went from friends, to admitting things, to dating soon, to actually using titles in the same night, okay?” He said and looked away to hide his blush. I leaned forward a bit wanted to capture every moment I could of tomato Wyatt before he returned to normal.

“Well I mean. I think people don't usually just sit on it when people say they like each other. Like suzans like "hey um- carl, like you." carls like "like you too" then they're like "cool. So the weather?" I think its a normal thing to go straight from confessing to dating.” I explained.  

“In case you haven’t noticed, my examples of romance have been selections, convenient political dating or engagements, and staff members that end up dating.”

“Hm I suppose your right. Though personally my only other experience is the selection and being asked for a pencil, I have seen Emma and Nina court people before.” I shrugged, “You can win that one from not knowing.”

He nodded, “My friends are mostly royals after all.” He then looked down to his apple, is it his or Altivos? I mean Altivo gets it in the end, but it is in his hands?

“Also, it’s not like circumstance is the easiest at the moment.” He said then looked back down to me sheepishly.

“I didn’t think you’d be so determined on what you want.” He added.

“Hah that'd be weird if I wasn't. I'm rarely indecisive on things. I also don't like half doing things which is why I'm normally pretty into what I like and pretty against what I don't. Such as I hate heels. A normal person would have lived with it, I chose to get rid of them via you. Another case is when I had acted like I didn't like you not because I couldn't decide what to do, but instead because I had decided you didn't like me and I wanted to stick to friendship in that case. So I commited and just lied occasionally to avoid it coming out. Though, that didn't really stick when I was drunk and of course the case changed when you said you did like me so I weighed pros and cons and decided that I wanted to give it a go. Sometimes I need some time to process things but normally I just go with my gut so making choices is easy and I prefer to go with them wholeheartedly.” I explained.

“I appreciate someone’s who’s decisive. People complicate everything for themselves way too often.” Altivo then decided that Wyatt’s hair needed to change so he huffed in it to mess it up.

“Thanks bud.” Wyatt said with a flat expression not looking at Altivo.

“He should be a hairstylist. Knew just what to fix.” I joked with a laugh.

“I don’t think so.” Wyatt said as he ran a hand through his hair. HOLY. IT'S SO FLUFFY. THAT'S NOT FAIR.  

“I didn't get to fully mess with your hair when I fixed your helmet hair. It seems fluffy!” I said and walked up close to him. I stood on my tiptoes and put my elbows on his shoulders for support and smirked as I played with his hair with was even more fluffy than it looked. It was like a pom pom.

Wyatt laughed and bent his knees slightly, which I knew was to try and help me reach, but it just annoyed me. I don’t need his handicap. Then to make my frustration worse, he directly attacked me. “I do have great hair. It’s probably better than yours.”

I scoffed, “It is not. No one has hair better than mine. Its fabulous. Also I could actually destroy you right now so mocking me isn't nice. Like my elbows are on your shoulders, you have a weaker stance. I could knock you down if I wanted. You're lucky I'm mature and have self restraint.”

As I spoke Wyatt just seemed to get a wider and wider smile. Which just made me even more irritated. As I finished speaking he suddenly leaned down and melted away any annoyance in me by pressing his lips against mine.

My cheeks flushed and I was startled at first but quickly started to kiss him back, it was a soft kiss but slightly playful in nature having come from a silly argument. I felt like the butterflies in my stomach were losing their minds. They just got more ecstatic as I felt one of his arms go to hold me around my waist.

As the kiss ended there was a small part of me that was fearful. What if he said it? What if he said, “That was legitness?” Could I kill him there? I think that would be fine. It would be deserved. He better not quote a vine.

“I’d prefer if you didn’t destroy me.” He mumbled.

What? Why would I? Why would he think that I wou- oh right Anika.

“Oh I'm not planning on it.” I mumbled back a bit breathy feeling light headed from the sudden kiss.

I fidgeted with my hands as I tried to find words to make them come out of my mouth. I needed to say something to make him know how much I liked at but my head was still in a whirlwind.

Ben hadn’t taken my words and breath away like that before especially with a simple kiss so I took it as a sign that I had made the right choice. Not that I was concerned for a moment I had made the wrong one. But I was a little worried if it would be weird to kiss Wyatt after having kissed his brother before. But it wasn’t at all. To me it felt better than perfect.

“You're a good kisser. Also I'd prefer if you do not recite that that was legitness vine.” I said quickly stating my own fear.

Wyatt leaned his head back laughing but still keeping a hold on me, then looked back down to me, “I’m just glad this time you didn’t scream my name.” WhAT?

Tomato Wyatt back at it again, “I mean- that sounded bad. I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Uh-what?” I verbalized.

He looked away completely embarassed, “I um, when- the day you got drunk-” He cleared his throat, “-I had a dream I kissed you as well the next morning. Since you woke me up with your screaming, really nice by the way, the first thing your dream doppelgänger did when I pulled away from the kiss was scream my name.”

I burst out laughing, “That explains why you were so panicked that morning! And it was my only choice you didn't wake up the first time I tried!”

“One is supposed to wake up relaxed. Calm and put together. Screaming in someone’s ear does not encourage either.” Uh no. One is supposed to wake up confused and in dread. We must have very different experiences in the morning.

“Well if you had woken up to maids looking weirdly at you as you slept on a bean bag I don't think you would have been calm or put together either.”

“Maybe I would’ve told them I wanted to mix things up.”

“Ah- and you think waking up right out of a dream where we had kissed you'd be able to seem perfectly calm and come up with a reasonable excuse? Plus no one wants to sleep on a bean bag. It's an unbelievable excuse.”

“How do you know?” He said and rested his chin on my head providing me with the delightful view of just his neck and chest, “I like being edgy.”

I stood up on my tiptoes to nudge him off of me, “You somehow become more of a bully as a boyfriend than you were as just a friend. Mocking me over my height.”

He laughed and pulled back, I felt more annoyed because I was a twinge upset that he pulled away. Him being so close was nice, it was almost a hug “Alright, if that bothers you…”

I leaned up again and gave him another kiss wanting more contact with him but not wanting to give in and let him mock me more by doing that again. After I pulled away I mumbled, “I didn't say it bothered me. Just that it was mocking.”

Wyatt was grinned down at me after my quick kiss, “Now that's just contradicting. Who likes to be mocked?”

“Shush. It has pros and cons. Con its mocking pro I like the contact. also pro you smell nice. 2 pros beat the 1 con.” I said being a little too honest causing me cheeks to flush.

“Nice to know I smell nice. Is it like-” He paused to adjust his voice into a dramatic ad one, “-dark temptation? Black eclipse? Black chill? Denim?”

I laughed and ran a hand through my hair, “Dark temptation for sure. I mean with all this sneaking secret stuff if has to be. Also how does denim smell?”

He shrugged, “Deodorants pick weird names. I'm not sure what they're trying to do there.”

“I bet I would be great at naming deodorants. I'm surprisingly good at picking weird names for things. I would call your smell Tall, towering and-” I dramatically waved a hand, “-tantalizing. Leave it to the consumers to figure out what that means.”

He raised his eyebrows, “I might need an explanation as well.” SMH boy can’t even guess his own name.

“Well, you're tall. You tower because you're tall, and tantalizing as in you like to tease i.e mock.”

He hummed, “I think that name is too long. Nobody would buy it. Also, it needs to be more edgy.” Fine. You want edgy. You get edgy. Also you say it’s too long, well, it’s about to get longer.

“Oh true. I was focusing too much on the alliteration of it. How about "I drive a motorcycle, don't you think that's cool? tell me its cool." that's a fitting name for your smell.”

He burst out laughing then leaned down to give me a quick kiss himself. My face flushed again at the contact. “You already called me a cool dork, so I don't need you to tell me.” He paused, “Just occasionally.”

“I can make a biweekly quota of times telling you you're a cool dork.” I mumbled still embarrassed from the kiss. It had thrown me off since I hadn’t seen it coming.

“Look who's flustered now.” He teased down at me.

“W-well you normally are flustered! Our ratio is like 100 to 1!” I yelled defensively ™.

Wyatt just grinned more, “I never feel this need you do to defend myself, however.”

“Of course I want to defend myself I'm being attacked! You just don't defend yourself because your a dummy who accepts insults most of the time.”

He rolled his eyes, “We already went over this. But I don’t defend myself because I don’t think it’s needed. Not with you at least.”

I huffed and crossed my arms. He had won. I couldn't think of some other reply to try and drag him. Then I got an idea and stood up on my tiptoes, I leaned up and wrapped my arms over his shoulders to pull him down close to me and pushed my lips against his, trying to fluster him again. My kiss being rough and competitive since I wanted to win this fluster debate.

Wyatt beat me though as he gently cupped my face which just made me fluster further. Once he pulled away he was not blushy and he looked down at me with a cocky grin, “Nice try.”

I had to hold back a smile myself as my endorphins wanted me to, but this was a battle, I couldn’t smile in battle. It was seRIOUS. So I pouted a little and lightly kicked some hay on the ground, “I'll catch you off guard later.”

Wyatt raised his chin with a smug grin, “I'm sure you won't give up.”

Altivo suddenly pushed Wyatt, making him drop his apple and eating it off of the ground, “No manners now.” Wyatt scoffed.

“He must get it from you. Though, I admit it was a good strategy. He got the apple in the end. I like this specific horse. He has flare.”

Wyatt gave me a flat look before the horse attacked my personal space sniffing now at the apple I still hadn’t given him. “Well, he is mine for a reason.” Wyatt muttered with a side glare at Altivo.

I took a few steps back from the horse, “Nope! Not getting that close to your mouth.” I then thought up a plan. I walked back up to the horse and put the apple down on the ground by where Wyatt’s had fallen to let Altivo get the apple himself.

Wyatt chuckled at my actions, “How brave.”

“I got him the apple, did I not? That's what matters. also I already touched him my horse quota has been met.”

“Fine. I’ll take that as progress. I assume you won’t be riding horses any time soon?”

“Or ever. Plus I've capped out this week on riding terrifying things after your death bike last night.”

“Oh, I know you thought it was nice. It lets you be a koala bear.” He called me out.

“Okay that part was nice. But the thinking about death part was not. To be fair I tried to be respectful at first and just hold onto your jacket or something. If you had gone maybe 5mph it would have worked.”

“Hey, you were the one that made me randomly leave the palace to help Kenna.” I rolled my eyes at his continued decision to not say her name correctly.

“Emma, and I only asked you could have said no to helping.”

He looked at Altivo, “I wasn't going to let you go out there alone.” He mumbled.

“You know, I've lived outside of the palace for 18, well 19 now years. I would have been fine on my own. But thanks for the consideration.”

He hummed and started listing, “It was late. You are a Selected, which means you stand out. There was a recent attack on the palace-” He paused frowning a bit, “in which you were hurt. Need I go on?”

“Fine.” I replied then pursed my lips as a sad thought came back. I would have to leave soon. We needed to start planning what we would do when I was eliminated. I hated to break our happy time with our first date but it needed to be said, “I won't be a selected much longer. We should think about what to do then. I imagine any day now it'll be time for me to go home.”

Wyatt took my hand had had me sit down in one of the small chairs used for the people to clean or brush the horses. He then grabbed another chair from a different area and spun it to face me and sat down himself, “So,” He said then leaned his chair back against the wooden wall, the horse on the other side looking down at Wyatt which cause me a moment of concern because what if the horse thought his hair was food, but he seemed to move on, “any ideas?”

“Hmm have I told you about the pantry plan before?” I asked joking a little.

He scoffed a laugh, “You did, but I think that won’t work too well.” The horse then started to sniff Wyatt more which caused me to stiffen a little. Wyatt, however, did not seem to care at all and just reached up to pet it his eyes still on the ground, “Maybe-” He sighed, “Maybe we need to wait a while.” Is he breaking up with me on my birthday on our first date?

“Like I go home and we try long distance? I don't like that idea if so so we should keep thinking.” I mumbled hoping that was his suggestion instead of a complete break.

He finally looked up to the horse who had been invading his space for awhile now, then he laughed a little as an idea came to his mind, “You could work at the palace.”

That’s a great idea! It fixes everything! Mom wouldn’t be mad because it’s not like I could risk being homeless. Palace workers have the option to stay which fixes the distance. “I could! I could find something to do and it'd be an excuse for me to stay.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Wait, I wasn't serious... I mean, not that it wouldn't work but... I doubt you want to work in the palace.”

“Why not? It could be fun, plus it's not like I know what I'm doing with my life outside of this anyways. Oh! Hazel really liked the chocolates that I made, I could just be her personal chocolate maker person.” I suggested.

He chuckled, “You mean a chocolatier? We don't have one of those, but you could be a pastry chef apprentice if you have some decent skills.”

I thought for a moment, I’m not really the best with pastries, but I’m good with chocolate which is in a lot of pastries. I bet if I got cozy with the head pastry chef before leaving they would take my regardless. No one can resist my mass charm. So I’ll befriend the head pastry chef then have Hazel recommend me and it’s a done deal.  

“I could do that! It'd be fun! Plus I could get hazel to recommend me since pastries have chocolate most of the time so it wouldn't look weird.”

“Maybe it would be best if no one saw a connection between you and the royal family for a while. Then when we do let everyone know one day, it just seems like something came out of our Selection-time friendship when you started working at the palace.” Haha! We have a false storyline now too.

He frowned a little and scooted his chair closer to me, “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

I nodded, “Yup! It would be fun, plus I could make cupcakes.”

He tilted his head and smiled a bit at my cupcake comment, “What about surfing? Or marine biology?”

“I can still surf if I stay here. I'm content not doing much. I like naps and eating. I don't actually like the idea of work it's annoying to be told what to do. Like i probably wouldn't mind doing the stuff for fun but being forced to to it just makes me not want to do it.” Wow sound ODD much?

He ran a hand through his fluff of hair again with an amused look, “So you wanna be a pastry chef for the fun of it?”

“Sure! I could learn how to make the ultimate cupcake to eat out of from the center. Maybe it'll go better than when I was three.”

He laughed and leaned forward to kiss the top of my head, “You’re my favorite cupcake either way.”

“Glad to know I wont be replaced by a literal cupcake.” I joked before leaning up to give him a kiss on the lips.

He laughed and mumbled a shut up into the kiss before properly speaking once it had ended, “I thought your life goal was to become a literal cupcake?”

“That would make it even sadder if I were replaced by a literal cupcake. Beaten by someone who accomplished my life goal before me.”

“That was meant as a romantic line Gabby. If I replaced you with a literal cupcake, it would be because you accomplished your life goal of becoming one.” He clarified with a smirk which caused me to blush.

“Oh well, thanks then. Not as sad. I wonder what flavor cupcake I'd be?” I asked curious about what he would say. Maybe it would be some deep personality thing.

“Strawberry.” He replied quickly. I should have seen it coming.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. It's mocking like this that lead to the outburst of actually trying some of yours.” I said referencing the great milkshake delima.

He shrugged dramatically, “What Can I say? Guilty as charged.”

“Welp, if I eat a strawberry tomorrow and am in immense pain, it's on you.”

He chuckled and leaned his elbows on his knees and took my hands, “Please don’t eat strawberries.”

“Fine. But just because I don't want to bite my tongue again. That really hurt.” I shuddered remembering the pain.

“Mhmm,” He replied before resting his chin in one of his palms and turning my hand with his other to face palm up. “Do you think this has been a successful birthday?”

“It's been pretty spectacular so far. I really liked seeing a picture of little you making a near duckface.” I chuckled thinking of the picture from his box of pictures he had given me.

“Honestly, I’m not sure what I was trying to do. Maybe I was in the middle of saying something. I was a very expressive child.”

I chuckled then decided to explain how inexpressive people thought I was when I was younger, “It's okay. People thought I was like a gangster when I was a kid. I was apparently scary. I was like cool scary though so other kids still wanted to be my friend but they were also too intimidated to talk to me. I think Stella started it because she said I was strong and she was popular so it got around. Then I made the kid cry when we were playing soccer because I accidentally kicked him in the shin. Woops. It faded more when I got into cheer though, then I was just seen as serious. Emma helped with it too since she is the opposite of intimidating to people so her being friends with me made me more approachable even though I've always been approachable and not scary at all.”

“So what I hear is that I'm dating a elementary school bully?”

“I was not a bully. I never even did anything. And the shin kicking was an accident I just got too caught up in winning and I apologized.” I said then smirked as I decided to attack him.

“You seem like the kinda person who would have been picked on in school and I mean I was a popular jock. It's like a cinderella story. nerd gets noticed by the cool girl,” I then dramatically tossed my hair.

“For the record, that is also mocking.”

“It's not mocking if its a fact.”

He made a sound like he had just been burned, because he had been, “you're right. You're a jock. A rude, pretentious jock.”

“Now you're bullying me. I didnt even insult you. I just stated a fact. and you're all like, you're rude and pretentious, which I am not.”

He hummed again, “I guess those are more of my adjectives rather than yours.”

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “I can't tell if you just insulted yourself or if you still are insulting me but saying that's what you'd say about me as opposed to what I'd say about me? But if it's the first then I want to defend because my secret boyfriend is being attacked by himself, if it's the second then I need to attack to defend my honor.”

He laughed, “You're so complicated sometimes. If it's the first, how will you defend your boyfriend by attacking your boyfriend? ...Since he is the original attacker-” He paused and frowned as he seemed confused now by the inception.

“Hmmm. Well I think I'd have to get rid of the attacking boyfriend. Since the attacker is not nice they probably don't like nice things and would be expelled if there was a nice thing. Like this-” I leaned up and gave him a soft kiss on the lips aiming to be more gentle this time. “-or maybe that was just an excuse to kiss you.” I added once it had ended.

“I think it sounds like an excuse...but I won't complain today.” He then turned his attention to something outside of the stable which I identified as a tree when I turned to look at it too, “Did Ben give you anything for your birthday?” He asked.

“No, I don't think so. But considering that he's been pretty upset with the fighting, so I've heard I haven't talked with him since he apologized on the night of the fight, and I only ever told him the date once so I wouldn't put it against him if it slipped his mind. Additionally, we're just friends now and I don't think friends always or even normally give birthday gifts anyways.” He nodded a little but clearly was still thinking about the fight.

“It probably slipped his mind…” He said before his wrist watch went off and he started to roll up his sleeves.

I frowned, “You got somewhere to go?” Obviously. But I was prompting.

“I have some wiggle room. I set my alarms before the actual schedule I've got to work with. I'm just trying to make myself look like I actually went riding.” He said as he kept rolling up his sleeves. Oh right we’re sneaking around. I forgot. He then smiled a little sadly, “There's a meeting today.”

I leaned up to give him another kiss hoping to cheer him up a little, “I don't like it when you look sad. Why do you need to roll your sleeves so far up if you had gone riding?” I said hoping the first comment would get him to talk more about it.

“Yeah, well... the meeting's about the attack.” He said and rubbed the back of his neck, “And I'm not entirely sure where it's going to go. I wanted to see if Ben had any thoughts but-” He pressed his lips together. “-no point in bothering him.” I frowned at that. I know Ben wouldn’t have been bothered but Wyatt still seemed so upset about the fight. It made sense. But it was upsetting that he was upset.

He ran a hand through his hair trying to make it messy, “As for the sleeves, it's just a thing I do. If I came back inside from "riding" with them down, it'd be weird. Besides,” He paused and smiled at me, “I've been told I look even better that way so.” I should make Wyatt happy again. There’s no point on continuing to mope in sadness when we aren’t looking for a solution. Making the mood happy again would be for the best.

I chuckled and leaned back in my own chair and put my index finger under my chin in #deepthought to seem dramatic and funny for Wyatt. “Hmmm…” I then snapped my fingers like the conclusion of if he looked more attractive that way or not had just miraculously come to me, “I agree. That's the conclusion I've come to. Whoever said you looked better with them that way is correct, it makes you look-” I dramatically waved a hand, “-dashing.”

He laughed a bit more genuinely and grabbed some hay and threw a clump in my hair before a strand on his, “I also need to look like I've been around here tending to my horse.”

I laughed and tried to brush some of it out of my hair with my fingers before throwing more in his hair, “Woops! Guess you tripped and fell while you were tending to the horses!” I joked.

“Gasp!” He exclaimed then quickly stood from his seat and lifted me up off of mine by my waist. Holding me up in the air. I couldn’t help but to let out an EEK as I was suddenly lifted up. He then quickly spun us both around, “Wonder what I tripped with?”

I couldn’t stop laughing so I tried to speak through it, “Stop! Put me down I don't wanna fall and hurt my bum!”

He pretended to be offended, “You think I would drop you?”

“I could slip!” I argued.

“how? Like this?” He then loosened his grip letting me drop a little and causing me to scream again before he fixed his grip on me.

“Stoooppp! You're taking advantage of my size! It's rude and-” I fumbled as I tried to find a word, “-SIZEST.”

He burst out laughing and sat me down, “I'll set a motion in progress to add that word to the dictionary.”

“You should. It's a very serious thing. Millions suffer from sizeism daily, like me with your sizest behavior.”

“Mhmm, I'll keep that in mind next time.” He replied still smirking as he leaned down to kiss the top of my head, “I hope this was a somewhat decent, improvised birthday-date.”

“It was. I got to meet the horse version of Wyatt same trait of rudeness, I got hay in my hair, and I got a bunch of pretty awesome kisses including our first.”

“I suppose that’s true. Though, Altivo takes full offense to that.” He replied as he started to take some of the hay out of my hair. We both then glanced over to Altivo who seemed very unoffended by my comment, “He’s hiding it to seem nice.”

“How do you even get to ride him? He seems like he would be pretty anti being told what to do. Just sit down and eat apples instead.”  

He laughed, “He likes me enough. Besides, I told you he likes to show off. He’s the perfect horse for me. Who wants to be fast when you can be fancy?”

“I mean I would pick being fast over funny because when you're faster it's funner, but to each their own.”

“He can run fast. But Cleo beats him.” He then pointed at a different horse who must be Cleo then smirked, “Cleo can’t walk backwards, however.”

“ah such a needed skill. Walking backwards.” I scoffed.

He scoffed, “It’s fun!” He then tsked, “No appreciation for arts.”

I shook my head, “None at all. But I mean what would you even expect from a jock like me.” I then leaned up and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“I suppose I shouldn’t expect anything more.” He then took my hands. Our fingers lacing together. I couldn’t help but smile feeling his hands in mine. “So, do I look like I’ve been jogging around, attending my horse and riding?”

“I believe so. Though in reality you've just been horse'n around with me.” I had to hold back from bursting into laughter at me own joke.

He raised an eyebrow as he looked down at me with a smile, “This is it. This will be the reason we break up.”

“You're just jealous that I'm a humor mastermind!” I cheered and pointed to myself with my thumb.

He rolled his eyes, “Only because it’s your birthday.” He then remembered something and took something I couldn’t see out of his breast pocket.  

“Also, after breakfast, I figured I should get you an actual present.”

“Oooh, exciting.”

“No time to wrap though.” He added then opened his palm and showed me a shark tooth necklace on a gold chain.

A big smile overtook my face as I took the necklace and held it up to look at the tooth, “Ooh! I love it! I wonder what kinda shark it came from? They're wild with how many teeth they have. I would think it would be easier to evolve to have stronger gums than to just have more teeth which are replaceable.”

“I will be honest and say I don’t know much about shark teeth...but sure, I’ll trust you on that.” He said with a smile and leaned down to give me a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you at dinner.”

“I'll research later about the specific types of teeth. See you at dinner, tomato face.” I said and leaned up to kiss his cheek back.

He grinned as I pulled away, “Thank you, Cupcake.”

He soon rushed off and I stayed back with the horses. I plopped down into the small chair as I played with the necklace. Then finally, I decided it would be safer to put it on before I lost it so I put it on then messed with the tooth some more.

I looked up at Altivo who was still chilling. “He really is the best isn’t he, Altivo.” I mumbled more to myself but didn’t wanna sound like a looney so I addressed the horse. Granted he probably isn’t going to reply either.

Though he did, he gave a small huff as a reply. “I’ll take that as a yes.” I replied smugly then decided enough time had passed that probably anyone who had seen Wyatt leave would have left. So I made my way out and back to my room.

A/N p2: SO as i was writing this I was like “WOW THEY KISSED A LOT” so i counted to see how gross these two doofs are. 

They got 13 kisses (not just lips) 

[acommonrose]

inemmasmoonlight replied to your post “Deep down, I know buying random sort of overpriced things online from...”

How did you like the random podcast things?

Thank you, person related to me, for indulging me. Anyways, I’ve actually had a pretty good experience with all of them. The only one that wound up being underwhelming was HelloFresh, and that one wasn’t bad, just not quite what I was looking for.

I’ll put detailed thoughts about each of the things I tried under a cut, but the general impression I got of all of these things is that most of the things podcasts advertise (or at least all the ones I’ve tried) are things that are generally things people need to buy at a higher price point but with the advantage of some combination of quality and convenience. That means that if I had given up on this whole grad school thing and gone into industry, I would have been the target demographic of young, hip people with money and no time. As is, I’m slightly outside of that demographic and in the category of young, only slightly hip people with no money and no time but a little bit of disposable income because my stipend’s pretty generous, I live in a somewhat subsidized student apartment, and I don’t spend that much money on going out to eat/drinks/etc because my friends also tend to be people who don’t make much money and live in this hellishly expensive city. That also probably explains why things like Sitch Fix’s default being a monthly subscription or meal kits defaulting to sending you food every week seem like too much to me, since I see them as luxuries, and their target audience apparently doesn’t.

All that said, I’d definitely be interested in trying out more of these, since it’s an interesting phenomenon and kind of a fun way to treat myself. As I mentioned, I do kind of want to try out Stitch Fix (though, um, maybe after I get my fall stipend), since I’m fascinated to see if they can accommodate my requests of “please find a single pair of jeans that fit my very short legs because I sure haven’t any time recently” and “hi, I’m very gay but completely the wrong body type to wear anything that even remotely resembles menswear”. I’d also be willing to try more of these random things that podcasts advertise, so if there’s one that you’re terribly curious about, I might be willing to give it a try.

Anyways, that was already long so look under the cut for exciting discussions of bra sizing and my mediocre cooking skills.

So the first one of these I did was ThirdLove, and the fact that I used a podcast promo for it was almost incidental, since I had been looking through online bra sellers before I ever heard a podcast ad. Some time between the time my mom bought me a bunch of bras in high school and now when I’m a financially independent adult, I went up a cup size, making it even harder to find bras in my size in person outside of expensive department stores, so I wound up asking my mom for online recommendations. I actually started with a different website, which was a bit disappointing, since they were out of stock on things, and a lot of their recommendations given my bra sizing info used small/medium/large sizing instead of actual sizing, which seems bad for the large bust/average band size combo. I wound up getting a bra from that website, which I still have an wear, but it doesn’t fit amazingly. (I’m kind of awkwardly between band sizes, and what I really needed was one band size down and cup size up, but they didn’t really have any options for that.) I was pointed to ThirdLove shortly afterwards, and it was right around the winter holidays, so they actually had a sale on a few of their things (it seemed to be a strange combination holiday/clearance sale), and while I actually liked the bra I got (and it was available in both of my potential sizes, as were most of their bras), it turned out I needed the larger band size for their bra, and because I bought it on sale, they’d only let me return it, not exchange it.

Fast forward to spring, and Wonderful is sponsored by ThirdLove, so I try them again. I will admit I technically cheated the system a little by making a new account with a new email (though the same info otherwise), because apparently I wouldn’t get the “first purchase” podcast discount otherwise despite the fact that I hadn’t actually purchased anything from them before. This time, I got the larger band size, and it’s now probably the bra I like the most? It’s nowhere close to the perfect bra (as I have yet to find such a thing), and it slips a little, but it mostly fits and makes my boobs look good, so I call it a win. I’d probably get a second bra from them if they ever had a sale, but despite the fact that they emailed me all the time about new products or things they were promoting until I unsubscribed, I don’t think I got a single one about a sale. (I’ve noticed that a lot of these advertised services give discounts to first time users but don’t really do other sales/promos, which sort of makes sense for subscription models but seems weird for a site like this.) Bras are stupidly expensive, so given that, the price was mostly reasonable (and only maybe $10-15 more than the other site I tried), but it’s still a lot of money, you know?

Anyways, the next one was quip, which was also a thing I tried because my old electric toothbrush had died. I’d temporarily replaced it with a $5 battery-powered electric toothbrush from my local drugstore, but it’s nice to have something you don’t have to completely replace frequently, so I was looking for something with replaceable heads. One of my friends had recently mentioned using quip, and I’d also just listened to a string of Night Vale episodes that were advertising it, so I figured it was worth a shot, since the plastic brush is actually a bit cheaper than most of the standard models (and significantly cheaper than the higher end ones). That said, the brush heads are $5 each, which is more expensive than the dirt cheap ones for other models. (I just checked, and I can get an 8-pack of the ones for my old toothbrush for $12 on Amazon.) I’m not overly concerned about paying $5 every 3 months (especially since that also includes a replacement battery), but it is something to keep in mind. There’s two notable differences between it and my old model. First, it’s battery powered instead of having a charger (and the battery replacement is included with the new head). That’s probably a plus in that it’s more portable, so I can take it with me when I’m going out of town, but I may revisit that once I’ve actually had to replace the battery, depending on how annoying it is to replace. Second, it’s just a normal toothbrush head (albeit a vibrating one) instead of the normal rotating ones you get with electric toothbrushes. They claim it’s better for your teeth. I don’t buy it, but ultimately, it’s an electric toothbrush that works, so it’s good. It’s hard to have strong feelings about a toothbrush as long as it’s functional.

The other two I’ve tried are Blue Apron and HelloFresh, which I intentionally did as a head to head comparison, since they’re providing roughly the same service. Interestingly, the word roughly is important here, since I found that while the basic concept is the same, they’re slightly different products. Basically, the short version is that Blue Apron has more complex recipes and tries to include small amounts of unusual ingredients in many of their recipes, whereas HelloFresh is aiming for simpler, more widely appealing recipes. Neither of these things are bad on their own, and I could see how either service could be appealing depending on your tastes. I actually really liked most of the meals I got from both services, and I can imagine using HelloFresh’s recipes (including the pasta I got in the one box I did) and just getting the ingredients from the recipes (since both services make their recipes freely available), but what struck me was that I think I knew exactly where and how to find every single ingredient in my HelloFresh box in either my pantry or my local grocery store, whereas the same really wasn’t true of my Blue Apron box.

If anyone is still reading this (which I somehow doubt), I could discuss specific recipes and experiences in more detail. (I will say that in the two deliveries I’ve gotten, Blue Apron has sent me one flop but a few of the best dishes I’ve ever made in my life.) Ultimately, what I will say is that even though it’s definitely overpriced (even compared to NYC grocery store prices), I feel like it’s worth it to keep doing Blue Apron every few weeks. Oddly, I get a lot of the same utility from it that I get from owning a children’s cookbook in that they break down a lot of steps in terms of breaking down the little steps (chopping vegetables, setting water to boil ahead of time, etc.) that recipes aimed at more competent cooks sort of take for granted. (They also both assume incorrectly that I have a competent adult around to chop vegetables for me.) I don’t think it’s worth it if you don’t like cooking to begin with or are a picky eater (at least in the traditional sense of not liking certain flavor profiles or proteins -- I’m picky about which vegetables I eat and hate salads, because apparently I’m either a 10-year-old or Ron Swanson). Even I can’t imagine doing it every week, both because of price and the time it takes to cook the meals, especially since you still have to grocery shop for your lunches (unless you work one of those weird Silicon Valley jobs where they feed you most of your meals, I guess). But if you want to try cooking more of a variety of things and don’t know where to start (or, like me, can’t justify the stupidly expensive prices on seafood at the grocery store but can somehow justify the cost of a Blue Apron box), it’s worth a shot.

#inemmasmoonlight #real life interferes #i guess #anyways i think i have some free blue apron boxes i can give to people and referral links to a few of these? #and i am dead serious that if there's a random podcast ad you're curious about i will try it if it interests me

[lifeofgroffsauce]

Miscellaneous papers spilled from a crisp manilla folder held lax and haphazardly, clattering onto the apartment's hallway floor to cause a groan from the actor. Various safety waivers and film contracts now mixed up and out of the ascending order of dates he'd meticulously placed them in, was a hell of an end to the night. Crouching down to gather them, grumbling irritably as he did, he tried his best to reorganize the mess before knocking on the door.

“Jon Groff! My faaavorite client!”

The shrill ring of his, uncharacteristically drunk, agent Kelly hit his ears. It was her cheery smile that was infectious and suddenly he matched her enthusiasm, despite his previous misfortune seconds ago.  

“Oh my god, you're such a little liar!” He accused playfully then gestured to her relaxed posture against the wood slab that seemed to hold her up, having it half way open. “What are you doing on a Monday night, missy? Don't you have special agent things to be doing?”

Freshly manicured nails, tips too boxy in Jonathan's opinion, tucked a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. He noticed they both suffered the same fate when it came to alcohol flushing their cheeks. Hers, however, wore only a faint blush peeking through her artificially tan skin. “What?! Why are you- did you not get my email?” A gasp fled from her lithe form, soon swatting his arm. “Check your fucking emails more than once a year! Jesus, I sent you an e-vite!”

Just as he rose an inquisitive brow, she swung the door fully open, bright cerleans catching the light of the Brooklyn bridge out of gigantic panoramic windows lining the living room wall. A small group of people congregated about the space, all mingling with each other. They all appeared to be close friends and work connections.

“You're having a party? Oh my goodness,” He laughed almost nervously and mustered up a sheepish grin. “I'm super sorry. I wish I had known! I'll make a better habit of reading those but, it's really late and I just needed to-”

“Jonathan! Nooo, don't be sorry! Come in, come in!” To her urging, his lips parted to object but she quickly silenced him with her shushing, coiling her nimble digits around his larger ones. /Don't argue with Italians, even the five-foot-two short shits like Kelly./ He smirked at his own thought and walked in.

“You know Drew Gehling, right?” The boozy Kelly slurred her way through each introduction like a proper hostess. A striking baritone voice flooded the space with his drawl, steps moving toward the agent as they circled around the dining table. “Why bother asking, Kels. Tall, dark, handsome. Fits Jonathan's type perfectly. Of course they know each other.”

Jonathan's muscles tensed slightly, his mouth pulling a tight-lipped grin. “Though I guess the 'tall' box has been unchecked. New boyfriend's on the vertically challenged side.” Zachary offered a sassy smirk to Jon to let him know he was joking and calm him down; unfortunately, it did the opposite. He was painfully reminded of where he should  be versus where he was.

“He's flexible; that's all that matters,” Flew from his lips faster than his brain could register. It earned him a chuckle from his ex-boyfriend. J shrugged.

Kelly, the serial gasper at this point, followed with a grip of Jon's bicep. “Oh my god, I fucking meant to talk to you about all those Instagram posts! Stop with the lovey crap or Jeana will actually have a job to do- and Jon- I'd rather keep her on standby and not pay her an exorbitant amount of money because you're in your feelings...” She continued to scold him, but he had long since tuned her out as, in paranoid fashion, his focus was on studying Quinto until the tall male left the room to go refill his oversized glass of chardonnay.

Another theatre family member (he remembered as Lin's “cousin”) joined their conversation and began a debate regarding the proper use of social media. Jonathan eased up a bit when he saw Zach return but rather than engage, turned to his own huddle of friends on the other side of the room. /I'll stay for a little while longer, I don't want to be rude./

Before he knew it, a blush colored wine glass was being thrust into one of his hands he was animatedly driving his point home with. Without thought, he accepted it, not aware it was Zachary that had given it to him until several moments after. Naturally, the thirty-three year old regarded him with a polite nod, watching as he seamlessly dove into the topic at hand.

“I just don't see the point in lying on social media about who you are or what you do. Why try to make someone believe you pop bottle of Dom every weekend and prance around on a private beach every holiday? Stop stunting.” One actor in their bundle scoffed.

While Jonathan's eyes were taking in the many that had swarmed around their expanded circle, Zach spoke up. His left arm leaned against the kitchen's accent wall. “I take it you've never heard of 'escape theory'? Mm, what a shame, Brandon.”

A click of his tongue snagged Groff's attention, wine kissing his lips, attention on Quinto. “All of us here; we're trying to find an outlet to help us step outside, escape- if you've put two and two together- who we are for a fragment in time. It can be as simple as that evening glass of cheri you have in your underwhelming studio apartment, or as large as the theatre audience seeing you stripped down, bare-assed, utterly exposed for eyes to feast on your body. You don't think posting photographs on social media does that as well?”

He was met with silence; the group stealing glances but not quite knowing how to move forward. Quinto took that as a que to continue speaking, this time with a tone that was introspective. “We can project anything out into the world... put out... anything, but the hardest thing to do is show it who we are. To the core. That's why people 'stunt' on social media. Maybe, after a while, we'll start to believe it, too. We'll start to believe we're something more than we actually are.”

Another pause. “Here I just thought everyone had Cartier bracelets and endless frequent flier miles.” Jon deadpanned, earning laughter from everyone, as well as a slightly grim smile from Zachary. The older actor excused himself, accidentally (intentionally?) brushing his front against the Hamilton star's chest when he passed.

“Jeez, Zach!” Kelly coughed, senses overloaded at the trail he left in his wake. “Use more Bleu de Chanel, please. I don't think they can smell your bougie ass in Chelsea!”

Two hours later...

“Drive safe. Take back alleys. The scenic routes. Turn on your Friends app so I can see when you're home.” The demands came at lightening speed from his drunk agent, whom he was sure peppered some Italian expletives in there. “Kelly Bean, I'm good. Three glasses of wine. Solid as a rock. Go to bed.”

He watched the petite woman tuck herself into the Pottery Barn sheets then began his quest for the door, stopped only by the sound of glasses clanking together. Everyone was gone with the exception of two. While the first was exhausted beyond belief, seeing the second clearing the glasses off the table alone guilted him. “Do you... do you want help with this?”

The onyx haired man shook his head no. “I'll have you know, I'm very domestic now, Groff. I got it. Go home,” He insisted. “I would just feel bad if I left this for her because honey, with that hangover she's going to have tomorrow, she's going to be wishing for death. Dirty crystal will be the catalyst that pushes her over the edge; the Brooklyn nutcase. That's why you don't get involved with Virgos.”

Jon nodded slowly as he spoke, semi-entertained though far away in his mind. It caused him to approach his next set of words with caution. “Hey, do you remember... I know this was a long time ago and it's probably super unprofessional because of, you know, the show, but...” A sigh. “When we were together, maybe the first six or so months, we- we did a scene. It was super intense...” He was gaging Quinto's, so far, anti-climactic reaction. “I threw up...” An embarrassed laugh leaked into the air.

“Which time? I remember that you had the weeeeakest stomach,” The laugh that followed from Zachary was filled with nostalgic amusement. After diving up the glasses in even rows into the dishwasher, he spun around to pin his broad back against the pantry door, raising a finger. “I think you may have cried once, too. I don't do crying so, kind of let you do your thing on that one. A little dark, in retrospect.” His hand waved back and forth, not too sold on the idea that he added, “To be fair, I mean; we did a lot of intense stuff. We were intense stuff.”

The gears in Jonathan's brain were turning. An odd comfort came from hearing him stress were. Mentally noting to keep that in his arsenal when he had to balance his career and relationship. As if that justified him being there talking to him, instead of at home, spooning Lin as he promised. The lyricist was never far from his mind, especially as he stood in the warm cast of light in the otherwise empty home, staring at the distant embodiment of someone he cared about.

Zachary was a walking memory; an old polaroid that had discolored and aged with time. Circumstances were what they were. No amount of positive narration would change the way something was. Not even the comfort a lie would provide. There was ice and the bite of winter whenever he looked at him.

He greatly preferred Lin, who was a photo album with more promise and opportunity for happiness. A radiating warmth that flowed from a steadily burning fire. Thoughts, the splitting wood and radiant embers that transformed into something beyond what is expected. In life, he'd found another soul he believed shared a part of his. They were intertwined in some cosmic way, and life was too short to not pursue that. Even if that meant he had to intervene in the man's own marriage to make it happen.

Still, none of this quelled the incessant internal squabbling that came with trying to piece together... the reality. /To weed through the lies of the past is necessary to have a better understanding of the future's truth./ Some shit his therapist told him that he wished he hadn't. Now he couldn't stop trying to remember.

Lingering whispers of anxiety multiplied into an fierce entity that occupied his headspace long after he'd left. Two small pills were his savior, dissolving into his Rosé-filled gut.

Finally, he made it home.

Luckily, his boyfriend was out cold. Feet weren't as coordinated as they could have been, stumbling while attempting to take off his jacket. The blunt hit of his kneecap on the night stand caused his hiss before he whispered apologies to the offending piece of furniture. Resuming his place with the Puerto Rican in his embrace, a smile graced his lips. He could only hope his aura remained as peaceful as it did in this moment.

#// #mentions: #lin #zq #kelly #tws apply #I'm sorry if this rambles which lol ok we know me ofc it does #also if theres any typos or lack of flow #rp

[s-driesen]

time may change me (but i cant trace time) chapter 2/6

Ten is for Learning- 3k words

Read on ao3

previous chapter / next chapter

Summary: Summer comes around again at ten and eleven, and Robbe is starting to wonder if he really does have a crush on that girl in his class, despite something feeling massively OFF.

Featuring: Fifa, sore losers and the shambles that are Robbe's parents.

TW: implication of violence (two adults arguing), uneducated stance on mental illness (Robbe’s like ten lmao)

Robbe didn't exactly know the science behind global warming, but in the thick of Antwerp's heat wave he had a reason to believe in it. All the window's in his house had been thrown open as soon as him and Sander had rushed inside, hiding from the sun. After hours of wandering aimlessly around their neighbourhood, they were sick of the beating heat, thirsty and ready to laze about doing absolutely nothing. It had been a great day so far, both of them in the best of moods, joking and laughing in the way they usually did, but with an extra layer of carefree glee on top of the normality. In fact, Robbe's cheeks still hurt from laughing an hour after they had sprawled onto his couch, ready to pig out until Sander had to leave. The entire day, Sander wouldn't stop making absolutely stupid jokes, the one's verging on crude that made the other boy lose it every single time. Even as Robbe turned his Xbox on, he was giggling, telling Sander to 'shut up' in fear of his mum overhearing (even if he knew she wouldn't). It took them both a couple of long minutes to calm down enough to figure out what game they were going to play. It was Fifa of course, Sander would usually complain, but he knew Robbe was too tired to move from the couch to change the disks over.

Robbe's shirt was sticking to him and the room was so stuffy despite the light breeze that streamed in from the open windows. The water he'd got for the both of them had turned warm in minutes of coming out of the tap, unpleasant and nowhere near as refreshing as they'd hoped it would've been. His hair clung to his forehead and his neck- Robbe's mum was right, maybe it was way too long for such hot weather. For a second he thought back to Sander a couple of years previous, in his big hoodies under the sun. Robbe didn't know how he'd dressed like that on the warmest of days without passing out. Honestly, Robbe never grew to understand why he did wear such baggy clothes. And it was too late to ask. Sander had changed his 'fashion sense' now, donning short sleeves and 3/4 cargo pants, decked out in a t-shirt Robbe was pretty sure he'd seen Sander's older brother, Ross,wear.

''You keep on missing! What are you even doing, Robbe?'' Sander teased, gesturing wildly at the footballers on screen, laughing as he scored yet another goal. No matter how much Sander complained about Fifa it didn't stop him from beating Robbe nearly every time they played.

''I wasn't paying attention! Oh my god, stop, at least give me a chance to pass-'' Being younger than Sander sometimes made Robbe feel like he was at a disadvantage, it wasn't a big gap (only a year and two months between them), but Sander always seemed so much more sharper than his friend. The infinite amount of wisdom an eleven year old had compared to a ten year old seemed massive to Robbe. Sander scored again, and Robbe was pretty much done.  

''You're not even playing properly now!'' Sander grinned, knowing that he'd won quickly enough to annoy Robbe ''Don't be a sore loser, Ijzermans...''

''I'm not a sore loser, I just wasn't paying attention! Re-match, come on'' Robbe sat forward, in a slow effort to make himself pay more attention, hoping that he might suddenly get better at the game- despite the fact he didn't really know what he was doing. He could feel Sander's amusement even if he wasn't facing him, that toothy grin and the slightly patronising eyebrow raise he always shot Robbe before he made a fool of himself. Sander scored nearly as soon as the match started. There was a short silence as Robbe dropped his controller in mock disbelief, before Sander burst into a fit of laughter, falling backwards on the couch and Robbe shook his head.

"HOW? That's so unfair...You suck!" He had to shout over Sander's laughter, gesturing wildly at the TV screen. Robbe was laughing too now, and his was tummy hurting from the way he doubled over, hand clutching his chest. Every single time there was a dip in the severity of their giggles, Sander would look at Robbe and the tears in their eyes would make them lose it all over again. In moments like those, Robbe realised how Sander was the only one who could make him laugh like that, all incoherent noises and snorts, loud and boldly uncontrolled. Jens and the other kids at school were funny, but they didn't know how to make Robbe's eyes water, and his dimples pop, like Sander did. Through spluttered giggles, after a couple of painfully joyous minutes Sander managed to say "That was embarrassing...Seriously" Robbe merely stuck his tongue out at him in response, still flushed in the face and warmer than he had been all day. Sander, huffing, put his controller to the side before glancing at Robbe sideways- clearly mischievous. "What would your Noor think of that?"

Robbe's grin faltered for the first time since that morning. And he didn't know why, exactly. That was the issue he'd been having recently.

Noor was a girl in Robbe's class. A friend, as well as a girl. She sat opposite him on their group's table, and the pair of them got along so easily. Like they'd known one another since kindergarten. You see, Noor played video games too, her brother had a PS4, and her and Robbe would sit and talk about GTA when they were supposed to be doing classwork- much to Miss Visser's dismay. Surprisingly, to Robbe's dense 10 year old brain, she was very good at them, knowing tricks that he hadn't gotten around to learning yet and being happy to help him. Fifa wasn't her thing though...He wondered for a second if that was why he was so bad at it.She'd smile at a remark like that. Noor smiled a lot, and she wouldn't hesitate to laugh at Robbe's stupid jokes either- the one's that he'd definitely stole from Sander. She make Robbe laugh a lot too, it only took him a couple of weeks to realise that being friends with her was almost as fun as being friends with Jens. The only downside to talking to Noor was the whispers that followed their every interaction. That was the issue Robbe had had recently. A boy and a girl talking, laughing, joking, smiling together meant one thing to everyone- one of them had a crush. And Robbe didn't exactly know what one of those was.

He'd made the mistake of asking Jens, of course. Which didn't help. Whilst Jens was one of the smartest in their class, he'd never really had a way with words. The pair had been sitting on one of the playgrounds walls during recess when Robbe had blurted out ''How do you know if you have a crush on someone?''

Jens had stopped eating his crackers to crane his neck in Robbe's direction, quirking an eyebrow whilst brushing a long strand of black hair out of his eyes. He shrugged at first, slowly chewing as he paused to think. After such suspense Robbe was expecting a groundbreaking answer, one that would provide clarity and help him decide if he actually did have a 'crush' on Noor. But instead, all he got was something mildly underwhelming, mumbled through a mouthful of cracker dust.

''You...like them a lot. And they make you feel nice....And you think they're, like, pretty, i guess?''

''That's it?'' Robbe had shaken his head in dismay, even more confused than he had been before he'd asked. The thing was, Robbe could apply that logic to a lot of people. Sander made him feel nice, he would always compliment Robbe when he did something good, laugh when subjected to his poor attempts at original humour and listen when he told long, winding stories. Robbe liked Sander a lot. Objectively he was pretty too, all of the girls in Sander's year said so. They'd stand by the football pitches sidelines, crooning, whenever he played; all gushing and grinning. Robbe thought that was gross, for some reason. The idea of girls blushing over Sander was definitely gross. The idea of someone having a 'crush' on Sander was even more repulsive to Robbe.

''Yeah, that's it Robbe...'' Jens dusted the cracker crumbs from his pants, crumpling the packet in his grubby hands before shoving it in one of his trouser's pockets. He took a second, as Robbe ran over that shabby definition one hundred times in his head, before curiously asking ''Are you asking because of Noor?''

Robbe didn't want to answer that, so he didn't say anything at all. His mum told him silence was always an acceptable answer. But what he didn't know was the numerous ways silence could be interpreted. Because, in response to his friends silence, Jens made the answer up for himself. The other's face broke out in a blossoming grin, all Cheshire-cat like, as he hopped down from the wall. ''You have a crush on her?'' He said the words too loudly for Robbe's liking, bouncing like some sort of excitable puppy, just ecstatic enough to draw attention from the younger kids hovering around them. A pit grew in Robbe's stomach of the idea of that rumour spreading...Of Noor hearing. Of Noor wanting to be his girlfriend.

''No!'' Robbe's vehement defence just egged on his 'best' friend, though. Jens was laughing too loudly, insisting that he thought so, and profoundly declaring that Robbe was 'in love'. It was embarrassing, Robbe could still feel the heat his cheeks had filled with, as he sat on the couch staring at Sander.

''Earth to Robbe...Ground control wants a report'' Sander cupped a hand over his own mouth, mimicking the sound of a walkie-talkie as he shuffled up the couch in order to stab at Robbe's arm with his finger. He shook his head in response, letting out a strained laugh as the slight dread in his stomach lifted- Sander's idiocy never failed to make him feel better. But after his and Jens' conversation, that fact made Robbe scrunch up his face.

''How did you find out about that? Did Jens tell you?'' He mused, trying to act cool in the face of such an awkward subject. Sander could read him like a book though, and he only smiled wider at Robbe's mannerisms, folding his arms to exaggerate his smugness.

''Yeah, but Noor's friends are LOUD so...It wasn't like that was the only way I could've found out'' Sander was undeniably proud of himself and his nonexistent detective skills, he was looking at Robbe expectantly, like he was supposed to say something. Robbe stared at him in confusion, mouthing a small 'what?' before Sander rolled his eyes, still positively beaming. Of course Sander was thriving off this stupid situation. Crushes and girls were his thing,after all, despite how much he'd protest that exact fact. Sander had gotten his first girlfriend a couple of weeks after him and Robbe had met. To no ones surprise, her and Robbe hated each other. She was mean, to be fair to Robbe, always calling him 'little' and a baby. Sander had boldly broken up with her in the middle of recess after she tripped Robbe for 'stealing' Sander... Whatever that had meant. ''Are you not going to tell me anything about her then?''

''There's nothing to tell you about''

''But you have a crush on her...'' Sander protested ''I told you everything when I had a crush on Engel last month'' Robbe was starting to realise how many of Sander's crushes he didn't like. Engel was annoying, and loud, and too girly. All of them were too girly, too obsessed with makeup and clothes, stuff that Robbe didn't care about. But, Noor wasn't. In reality, Robbe liked Noor. He just didn't know if what he felt qualified as a crush.

''I don't know if i have a crush on her'' He hesitated before continuing, looking down at the controller he still gripped in his hands, fingers incessantly fiddling with the buttons to ease his nerves ''She makes me happy and I think she's pretty, but I don't know if that's what a crush is...Like-' Robbe paused for a moment, pursing his lips as he thought. He swallowed quickly before mumbling ''I don't want her to be my girlfriend, girlfriends are kind of gross.''

Finally, he managed to look at Sander, suddenly grateful for the influx of warm weather and sunburn due to the heat radiating off of his cheeks. Speaking about girls was new territory for the two...Robbe was spectacularly uncomfortable. He was expecting Sander to still be beaming, delighted at his friends discomfort and embarrassment when speaking about his speculated crush like Jens usually did. But instead, he looked oddly serious- as serious as an 11 year old could get.

''Why do you think girlfriends are gross?'' It was a sincere question, asked out genuine curiosity, but Robbe still couldn't think of an answer that sounded logical.

''They just do. They, like, take up all of your time. A-and speak about girl stuff. And...'' Robbe's words all came out in one breath, frustrated and confused ''I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with you, you know?''

Sander nodded in agreement, understanding as always. Robbe liked when he did that, always seeming to get what he was saying without ever really trying. It helped Robbe be able to breathe easier, the initial panic at his teasing subsiding after one loaded look. Being unable to hang out with Sander because of some girl was something Robbe never ever wanted, he decided that then in that moment. And it looked like Sander had come to his own conclusion, his mouth open to say something that he'd never get to say. Because, all of a sudden, there was an ungodly barrage of shouting and screaming coming from above them, the ceiling shaking with the weight of retreating footsteps. The worst part was that Robbe didn't even jump, expecting his parents to start a war sooner or later- it was that time of the day after all.

The fighting had been getting worse recently. His mum was tired, constantly, always snappy and lazy. Picking at conversations until they bled, like a scab, into some sort of row. Robbe had been living on takeout for the past two weeks, with his mother unable to cook and his dad working night shifts. A month ago, that would've been an absolute dream, but lately he found himself missing the home-cooked food she'd made before thing's went downhill. During the day (If Sander wasn't there) Robbe found himself to be lonely more than bored, with both of his parents sleeping- his dad recovering from a night working in warehouses and his mother weighted like a stone, unable to do anything for herself. To be truthful, Robbe was angry at her. Mostly because he didn't understand what was going on, and why she liked to shout at his dad so much. Robbe's father had always been antagonistic, but these days it seemed that whenever they were in the same room a thick band of tension weighed over the entire family. It was exhausting.

The sound of, what Robbe presumed was the vase on his parent's rooms dresser, smashing was what brought him back to reality- the previous minutes of shame forgotten. Sander looked horrified, quietly scared, like he knew he wasn't supposed to have such an outward reaction. After a lull in the yelling, only whisper-shouting echoing down into the living room, he looked over to Robbe with those big, sympathetic eyes. The ones that Robbe didn't know how to feel about, yet.

''Should I go?'' He questioned, quieter than before. Robbe merely pressed his lips together in a grimace, before forcing a nod. He really didn't want him to leave, but Robbe's dad would kill him if he found out their neighbour's son had overheard a domestic. Sander began to get up, reaching for his shoes (which were strewn haphazardly near the TV) as the shouting started up once again. From what Robbe could make out it was something about money, loans, and his mother's job. She'd stopped going to work, and despite his ignorance to the adult world, Robbe knew that was a bad thing. He dug his fingers into the sofa's material as the room suddenly felt a lot stuffier, like the windows were locked shut and it was two degrees hotter than it already was.

He could tell Sander didn't know what to say, as he slipped on his shoes. Robbe didn't blame him, his family were probably too perfect to deal with stuff like this. Envy wasn't a thing Robbe was conscious of yet, but it lingered over their every interaction, when it came to family. Sander's mum was the type of woman to bake a cake after every single one of her kid's achievements, be that minor or major, the type to cut up carrots and cucumber in cute ways to make her children's lunches interesting. Robbe's was the type to sleep until 4pm and only come downstairs for water and takeout. And for whatever reason, his dad expected Robbe not to even slightly resent her.

''I-I'll speak to you tomorrow, Robbe?'' Sander was hovering by the door, looking unbelievably awkward in front of Robbe for the first time in years.

''Yeah''

''We'll go for a walk down near the high street? My mum will give us money for ice-cream if I ask nicely, hopefully'' He said it quickly, painfully aware that the noise coming from upstairs was escalating. But, being one of the kindest humans alive, Sander was still intent on letting Robbe have something to look forward to. The other grinned in response, letting his friend know that that was cool with him, before Sander gave a short wave and walked out of the door.

Robbe heard him leave after a couple of long seconds, the latch on his front door clicking shut. Whenever Sander left Robbe's house it sucked, but then it hurt in a different type of way. Because then it was just him and the pair of dysfunctional adults fighting upstairs, still screaming and thudding and shouting like they didn't have a child, meek and reserved, sitting downstairs. Robbe wondered for a second if they even cared about him, as something else vaguely porcelain smashed on the stairway. If they even considered him when they had their shouting matches. Picking up his game controller, Robbe loaded up a solo match on Fifa, feeling warmly empty.

Even if his parents didn't really care about him, even if no one else that knew him cared about Robbe Ijzermans, he always knew he'd have one person to fall back on. And that was the kid he was going to get ice cream on the high street with the next day. Not the girl he was supposed to have a crush on.

--

Hey, thanks for reading! Feel free to follow me on twitter @ s_driesen

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