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inoreuct · 5 months

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thinking about mermaid sanji and sailor zoro,,,

the sky is cloudless, the sun’s glimmering off the calm water, the crew’s relaxing on the deck as they’re sailing through a clear patch of ocean; by all accounts, it’s a perfect day. luffy hasn’t gotten them into another shenanigan as of yet and zoro’s chilling up in the crow’s nest, half asleep and lethargic with the heat— and then he swears he hears laughter. and it isn’t coming from the ship.

he’s up on his feet immediately and squinting against the glaring light, wondering for a second if he’s seeing a mirage or a trick of the heat shimmer, because they’re sailing by a large, flat rock.

a rock with merfolk on it.

zoro’s shimmying down the mast in record time, ropes lashing around him as his boots hit the deck and he tries not to look like he’s running to the taffrail to catch a better look. (look, he’s curious, alright? merfolk aren’t a total myth, but they aren’t a common sight either.)

(that, and he feels oddly like someone has cast out a fish hook and it’s lodged behind his sternum, tugging him forward and forward until his hands are pressed palm-flat to the railing and he’s leaning over the edge.)

he hears that laugh again, rich and bright, wide eyes snapping to the mer who made it. golden waves shimmer over a leanly muscled shoulder, curling around a sharp jaw to reveal the mer’s pale, slender throat as they tip an oyster back into their mouth. leaning back on his hands — zoro is rather sure he is a he now, as a deep, smooth voice fills his ears, though he’s had enough tongue-lashings from nami to know not to assume — and tossing his hair back affords zoro a glimpse of a beautiful smile and bright blue eyes, blue as the goddamn sky. or maybe the sea. or perhaps the bioluminescent algae that had speckled the walls of this one cave that he’d been to ages ago—

he’s getting sidetracked. some sound must escape him, because suddenly a gaze so keen he feels his skin prickle is on him and he gulps involuntarily. and then for some reason, he opens his mouth. “are you a siren?”

the man’s curly brows narrow in irritation. “are you dead yet?” he snarks, casting zoro a flat stare and sighing in annoyance when zoro just stares back blankly. “no, I’m not a damn siren. lucky for you, we happen to be their… less bloodthirsty cousins.”

“less bloodthirsty meaning…?”

he shares a bored, bemused look with the woman on her elbows beside him, a mer with the richest purple colouring zoro’s seen in his life and a one-shoulder top made of shiny black kelp. “meaning we wouldn’t drag you down to the depths and feast on your carcass, but keep running your mouth and I might just change my mind.”

the mer’s tail is folded elegantly to the side as he lounges, fan-like tail fin trailing in the water, turning his body so that he can look at zoro properly as he tips back another oyster like it’s his god-given right. a tiny voice at the back of zoro’s mind whispers that this isn’t a good idea, whatever this is. it goes ignored. flaxen hair flutters in a slight breeze, sticking to the man’s milky skin in darker spirals where the tips are wet, and zoro’s breath catches as he watches the mer smile with teeth that are just erring on the side of too sharp.

the words register all at once and zoro lurches back, away from the railing, away from golden curls and blue eyes and pale skin. “what did you do,” he grits, resisting the urge to press the heel of his hand into his chest where it suddenly aches.

the mer shrugs. “nothing.”

“bullshit.”

“what’s the matter, sailor? feeling charmed?” that laugh, again, and zoro feels his heart throb. he watches the other man cock his head, studying another oyster in his hand, tilting the shell back and forth as he sucks on his teeth. “we can’t thrall,” he says finally, posture slackening with a sigh and a pout that seems to say what a shame as he picks up a knife and spins it deftly, shucking the shell open with a neat flick of his wrist. “only sirens can do that. whatever you’re feeling, whatever it may be, hasn’t been borne of any influence of mine.”

the oyster goes down and somehow, that sentence makes zoro feel even worse. it’s like he’s had the air punched out of him; he’s rooted, eyes wide, breathing hard as the mer makes a noise of pleasant surprise and pulls a pearl from his mouth, shimmering between his elegant fingers under the sun.

(zoro doesn’t know it yet, but he’s doomed. he was doomed from the start.)

back under the ocean, sanji has a crisis. he doesn’t see humans. he doesn’t meet humans. he and robin had just gone up to enjoy the sunshine and then this— this— brute swings by, with his stupid green hair and his three earrings and his obscenely grimy used-to-be-white shirt— sanji is fuming and he doesn’t know why. swimming laps back and forth across his cave isn’t helping either.

"might you possibly have something to get off your mind?" robin asks lightly, the pages of her book drifting in the water.

sanji does an about-turn and holds in a screech with all his might, forcing himself to relax with an exhale. "i'm just fine, my dear. peachy keen."

"you're making grooves in the floor."

"i'm redecorating."

he rolls the pearl from earlier between his fingers, squeezing it tight until his hand aches. "are you a siren, he asks," he mutters mutinously, fins fluttering as he throws himself onto a seaweed bed with a scowl. "how could a human be so stupid? if we were sirens he'd have been a waterlogged ball of moss on the sea floor by that point— and that hair. he looks like— like—"

"algae?" robin supplies helpfully.

"algae! sentient plant life, that's what he is, a kelp bed. water lettuce. duckweed, even." oh, he's so mad. that marimo pisses him off. the whole lot of them had sailed away, good riddance, because sanji never wants to see any of them ever again. they probably all smelled horrid anyway.

the merman's been following them.

the crow's nest is zoro's territory for a reason; he's the crew's lookout, and he's damn good at his job. for the past few days he's been seeing flashes of a broad tail fin and twists of golden hair. (he very firmly tells himself that he's not just seeing what he wants to see, because one, he might have one remaining eye but his eyesight is still as sharp as he keeps his cutlass, thank you very much. and two, why the hell would he want to see that merman? he isn't about to win any awards for his own manners but that guy had been stuck up and prissy and just rude. he's only been allowed to tag along this far because he hasn't presented himself as an outright threat. zoro doesn't want to see him. nuh-uh.)

(zoro sees things in his dreams, too. ocean eyes and a sly smile. a pale torso, knife in hand and teeth too sharp. he reaches out to see if the other man's hair feels as soft as it looks and he always wakes before he finds out.)

rum doesn't help to loosen the tension that settles against his spine at night, like he's waiting for something. he doesn't know what. anticipation, maybe, would be a better word— but that has a slight positive connotation, and— no. this man might not be a siren, but zoro’s enough of a sailor to know that it sure as hell doesn’t mean he isn’t dangerous.

he can't afford to go off chasing pretty mermen when he has a crew to protect.

the ship docks for a few days at a barren island. sanji swims laps around the sandy coast and pretends that the thought of his the sailor being beyond his reach doesn't make an anxious itch ripple beneath his scales.

water splashes against the side of the boat, and zoro's at the railing in an instant whether he wants to be or not.

“hello, marimo.”

the merman treads water leisurely, golden hair swirling about his shoulders and gleaming in the faint lantern light. it's early enough after sunset that the stars aren't out yet and it's dark as hell. zoro squints.

a laugh echoes in his ears, light and melodious. already familiar. zoro tries to be mad about that. “a little more to your left, moron.”

“well, i can’t very well fuckin’ see, can i?” he scoffs, and bites back a gasp when the water starts glowing, what the fuck. his stupid heart stutters when he sees him, lit up with gentle blues and yellows from below, flickering with the push and pull of the tide and sweeps of that powerful tail. "hey."

"hello," the mer hums again, lashes long and wet enough that they catch the wavering light. "gonna tell me your name, sailor?"

zoro almost lets it slip. almost. but he bites his tongue as he feels a chill run up the back of his neck; sure enough, a glance over his shoulder confirms that nami is glaring at him. don't do anything stupid, her gaze says, and he turns away with a shudder. their navigator is a threat in her own right. "no."

"okay. marimo it is."

"you— that is insulting," he hisses, because it is. he is roronoa zoro. he came from nothing and made a life for himself out of it. he's one of the best swordsmen on the damn seas and he's part of the best crew he's ever known, and he's been reduced to, what? a floating ball of moss?

"it's accurate," the other man corrects with a smirk. "unless you tell me what else to call you."

zoro fumes, fingertips digging into the taffrail. he's sure his nails are gouging scratches in the wood. "no."

"marimo."

"shut up."

"mosshead."

"shut up!"

"algae-brained, kelp-haired, water cabbage-headed—"

"zoro!"

the mer finally stops, lashes fluttering as something passes over his face.

"my name," he ekes out, "is zoro." nami swears somewhere behind him.

the merman's lips part around the syllables of the word, before he draws in a breath and grins, smug. "okay, marimo."

"wh—?!" zoro throws his hands up in exasperation, scofffing. "you bastard!"

"i asked for your name. never said i would use it."

"you're a piece of shit, blondie."

"call me that again and i'll show you how hard i can bite," the mer sneers with all his teeth on show, blue eyes lit up furious, turning away as he prepares to dive and—

"wait!" zoro yells before he can stop himself, and he curses under his breath. ah, fuck it. already got one foot in it anyway. "what's your name?"

"...oh, darling," the mer sighs, half-amused and airy, his voice slipping away. "you're gonna have to work a little harder for that."

it feels like hours later when zoro steps back with a shaky sigh. the merman reminds him of a strong brandy he’d had what feels like lifetimes ago, burnt caramel and warm sugar and smoke with enough hidden bite to take you by surprise, to sink its teeth into you three shots down. enough to intoxicate if you weren’t careful.

he yelps when nami slaps him across the back of the head, faking a lunge at her with bared teeth even as he rubs a hand over his aching scalp with a huff. her nagging about being more careful barely registers. his hair's getting long; maybe he needs a trim.

(that little voice in the back of his head is wary. hesitant. but now it's asking what if.)

the ship docks again. this island is teeming with life, thriving, lush with rich green foliage and thick forestation— and beautiful women who all seem to find zoro the height of masculine appeal, apparently. sanji curls himself into a nook in the coral reef and lets his fins trail in the water, the corner of his mouth ticking up a little when a baby clownfish comes to nibble curiously at his fingertip. he's not sulking. he's not. that would be fucking embarrassing for so many reasons and he refuses to think about even one of them.

it's the first time that he starts to feel a little stupid. it had been all fun and games, in the beginning when he'd upped and left on a whim; curiosity and intrigue and the good old urge to stick his fingers in all the cracks this human had until sanji understood every part of him, laid out in the sand like the skeleton of a great sea beast.

but now he's so far away from home, aimlessly following a ship— no, not even a ship. following one person on a ship for no real reason at all.

the clownfish ducks beneath his hand, and sanji cups it carefully in his palm. "you're lucky you don't have to deal with romance yet," he tells it sagely before gently shooing it out of his hiding spot. the water above ripples. it's dark again; the crew must have returned to their boat for the night. sanji sighs and unfurls his tail.

it honestly seems like blind optimism at this point, but he really hopes he's not being played for a fool.

zoro's there when he surfaces, peering over the railing and backlit by the lanterns. sanji focuses and brings out his bioluminescence until the little cove they're in is filled with coloured light. "marimo."

"swirly brow," zoro greets in return.

sanji raises one said swirly eyebrow. "that's new."

"i've got more. blondie, of course. curly head. fishboy—"

"fishboy?!" he squawks, enraged. "fuck you!"

"you wish."

"more like the ladies did," sanji scoffs, and immediately wants to try drowning himself.

zoro frowns. "the hell you talking 'bout, curls?"

the burst of bitterness at the back of his throat is just enough to take him by surprise and loosen his tongue. "they were hanging off your arm like—" mm. nope. he's not gonna go there.

the swordsman's eyes widen like he's just realised something, and sanji does not like that at all. "you're jealous."

"no."

"you are!"

"fuck you," he spits, gills flaring. "i am not." he has no reason to be jealous. they are nothing. this— there is nothing between them.

zoro just grins. "catch."

a white thing drops downwards and sanji darts forward on instinct to let it fall into his cupped palms. "what, s'this supposed to be a present for me, marimo?"

"it's— yeah."

he opens his mouth to reply, before he realises what exactly it is he's holding.

the water lotus fills his hands, its soft white petals edged in pale pink, velvety against his fingertips. something catches in his throat and he dips beneath the water to submerge his gills, carefully holding the flower aloft. his heart squeezes.

the waves lap at the bridge of his nose, hiding half his face as he watches zoro rub at the back of his neck, uncharacteristically shy. zoro isn't shy. sanji knows this much. he is loud and unabashed and unashamed with everything, with how he lives, with how he talks, with how he loves his crew and everything they entail.

but he looks almost— he's blushing, just a little, red across the tips of his ears as his gaze darts away, looking very much like he's mad at himself. "nami said it means strength and resilience, or something." the breath he huffs is harsh as he scratches at his nape. "i don't know, it's stupid, curly, i just—"

"sanji."

"what?"

"sanji. my name."

sanji doesn't want to know what he looks like as he rises out of the water to cup the flower to his collar. dumb, probably. rightfully so, because all of this is a very dumb decision and it's probably going to end in shambles with his heart broken into pieces in the silt but zoro— he looks up, floating on his back, and zoro's already looking at him with something that could be wonder, if sanji dared to name it.

"where did you get this?" he murmurs, tail fin creating large ripples as he swims a circle, holding the lotus like it's fragile.

"there was a pond full of them on the island. thought you'd like it."

"you don't know what i like." it comes out breathy. his hair melts against his shoulders as he tries to push himself closer, closer, across the space between them, like a fool. "you don't even know me."

and yet, he startles back when zoro jumps the railing, splashing feet-first into the water boots and all and shaking his head like a dog when he resurfaces. sanji shrieks and shields the lotus with his body, everything else momentarily forgotten as he whacks zoro with his tail just hard enough to send the sailor back underwater with a sputtered laugh. "you fucking brute!"

"i want to."

"that made no sense—"

"i don't know you, but i want to." zoro treads closer, and sanji's light ripples off his skin. his eyes are grey. warm granite and the inside of an oyster shell. "will you let me?"

sanji wants. there is nothing between them, but he wants there to be. he wants so hard it hurts. it feels like he's holding his heart in his hands and not a flower. it's the only way to explain how he's suddenly aching, hollow, in the face of something that isn't even a goddamn confession but feels too much like one. there is a flower in his hands and he wants.

“why?”

“dunno.” he gets a shrug, blunt and earnest as ever even as zoro’s mouth twists up at the edge. “maybe i’m charmed.”

he swallows hard, his mouth dry, and he doesn't want to say it but he has to. "if this is some sick thing about me being a mer—"

"wh—? no!" zoro blurts, and he looks so fucking horrified at that moment that it settles something in sanji's stomach instantly. "god, fuck, no. no. it's not like that. i swear on my life."

there are reasons why merfolk don't interact with humans. sanji grew up with the stories. he's seen the skeletons on the sea floor, mangled with the hunting tools of man, incomplete remains of his kin tossed away to their deaths, unable to swim or save themselves— still a better fate than the ones who never returned. the ocean is gentle after the burn of her salt; her waves are familiar, and her children are raised in their push and pull. captivity, at the hands of men for whatever reason, is never so kind.

he inhales sharply as callused hands cup his.

"i'm sorry," zoro says softly, rushed and maybe a little desperate, throat bobbing as his eyes dart across sanji's face. "i'm sorry. i didn't think of that at all."

"good," he finds himself replying as he looks down. "that means it didn't cross your mind."

a muscle ticks in zoro's jaw. "that's fucking sick, curls."

"i know." sanji's tone is matter-of-fact. "but it's what we have to deal with, sometimes." he deflates with a soft huff at the expression on the other man's face, looking away. "if you start saying shit like i'll protect you or whatever, i'm gonna smack you. i can handle myself."

zoro sighs through his nose, slowly, and his hands tighten around sanji's. "i know you can. i've watched you hunt. doesn't mean i can't be mad about it."

his eyebrows go up. "you saw me hunting?"

"mhm," the swordsman hums. "you're strong. fast. resourceful, too."

sanji preens. he knows he is, knows he’s one of, if not the best, but hearing it from zoro is another thing entirely.

"...also, my captain's been begging me to get you to fish for us because we're all crap at it."

that startles a laugh out of him, and he smiles so wide so quick that his cheeks ache. "that can be negotiated."

up this close, it's easy to see that zoro's hair is shorter than it was before, shorn short at the back and blunt enough that it just had to be freshly cut. the possibility of it being for him does something funny to his chest. the dark green strands are spiky, sticking up everywhere now that they're wet, and sanji wants so badly to touch.

he looks down at the flower in their hands, and he doesn't.

"this can't survive in saltwater," he murmurs instead, carefully putting his lotus into zoro's scarred palms. "take care of it for me."

he watches zoro trudge back to shore, one hand with the flower held above his head. he yells, "it better still be alive the next time i come check, marimo!" and he doesn't bother waiting for an answer. he knows zoro heard him.

sanji's gonna play this slow. he's gonna play this smart. and if zoro fucks up, well— he’s on friendly terms with a particular shiver of great whites.

zoro does not, in fact, fuck up. but now he’s constantly being given shit about his pretty merman boyfriend and as much as he pretends he hates it, he really doesn’t. luffy takes one look and declares that sanji’s crew now, zoro, you can’t hog him! dinners are now seafood more often then not, mussels and clams and all sorts of fish, even lobster when sanji finds out it’s nami’s birthday, and franky engineers some sort of transportable bathtub to get him on board.

(sanji brings robin around and franky falls all over himself making transportable bathtub 2.0, but that’s not the point.)

“bioluminescence, right? am i saying that right?” zoro asks, spinning this way and that as he tries to get a good look at sanji’s glowing tail under the water, eyes wide.

“mhm.” the mer lifts his tail fin out of the water, pulling himself closer so zoro can hold both of them up seeing as the pool they’re in is shallow enough to stand in. zoro’s hands twitch around nervously until sanji reaches out and grabs his wrist, pressing his palm flat to wet scales, and his chest aches at the look on zoro’s face.

the cave they’re in is small enough for every little sound to echo. sanji’s tail drips rhythmically, punctuated by the staggered breath zoro sucks in as he hauls sanji closer with an arm low over his stomach. careful fingers trace over the glowing patterns on his tail, fading upwards into his torso, and zoro slides a palm flat against sanji’s spine to lift him up as he presses their foreheads together.

“beautiful,” he breathes, reverent. the reflections from the water dance off his wet skin, and his eyes are mother-of-pearl.

sanji wants to touch, and so he does. he winds his fingers into zoro’s hair and pulls him down and kisses him, tastes salt and rum and the promise of blood when his teeth catch and zoro doesn’t shy from the bite. for the first time in a long time he is safe enough to let himself drift; his tail drapes itself over zoro’s side like a elaborate feather fan, and he giggles at the mental comparison.

he feels zoro smile at his laughter. feels calluses and gentle hands as zoro carries him back out to sea. tastes love when zoro pulls him in for one last kiss before saying goodbye for the night.

it starts with more flowers. then jewellery, intricate metalwork that would be hard to come by under the sea, fishnet cords and crystal pendants and pretty trinket rings, then daggers, silver hairpins with edges sharp enough to slice bone and a particularly beautiful watered-steel knife in a sheath of butter-soft leather. sanji cannot help but feel like he’s being courted, which makes no sense, because zoro knows nothing about merfolk courting traditions.

and then they talk as zoro braids shells into his hair the way perona taught him to (“you didn’t tell me you had a sister?!” “she just never came up!” “what do you mean she just never came up, marimo, what the fuck! this is important?!”) and sanji finds out zoro talked to robin about it, the sneaky bastard.

a tail doesn’t stop him from tackling zoro to the sand to kiss the crap out of him, braids unfinished and hair wound through zoro’s fingers. his heart feels fit to burst when zoro turns to ensure he takes the brunt of the fall because they both know how much sanji hates getting sand stuck in his scales.

the first time sanji gets hurt, zoro goes rather frantic.

it’s barely a scratch, just a slice near the base of his tail courtesy of a rock he hadn’t been able to avoid while hunting, but zoro bodily hauls him back to the ship between bouts of very concerned yelling and yanks off the black bandana always on his arm, scrubs it clean in hot water for good measure before wrapping up his wound, all while making sure no parts of sanji were drying out in the tub.

“marimo, i am fine,” sanji stresses for the twentieth time, shifting up to cup zoro’s face and sighing in resignation as zoro just shakes his head again.

“i don’t care,” the swordsman announces, throwing his hands up like deal with it. “i don’t care. no more hunting until this is completely healed.”

“it is a scratch. a scratch.”

“i don’t give a shit. you’re staying with me for the next few days.”

sanji groans and grumbles and bitches about it, and when zoro bickers right back it just riles him up even more.

(he stays put. he lets zoro scoop him into his lap with unnecessary care. he leans into the kisses zoro presses to his temple and he feels like crying because he is grateful. always.)

slavers attack the ship. sanji may not be a siren, but that does not mean he isn’t dangerous. he has his tail, and his knives, and his love for his crew. this is his crew.

he drags those slavers into the ocean and drowns them one by one.

now, sanji’s friend ivankov is a literal sea witch— so when they toss sanji an amulet and a wink on his birthday, sanji already knows it’s gonna be good.

the amulet gives him fucking legs.

only while he wears it, of course, but when he stumbles out of the surf like a newborn fawn zoro nearly chokes in shock. they spend the day falling over each other laughing as sanji tries to walk. he eats shit more times than he can counts and gets enough sand in his mouth for a lifetime.

later, there is a blanket beneath them and the moon above them and the endless ocean, shimmering under the light as zoro gathers his hair out of his face and kisses him so softly it hurts.

“beautiful,” zoro breathes. he preaches it like the truth. swears it like a promise.

their hands fit, calluses against calluses as zoro thumbs over the tiny patch of scales on sanji’s wrist, iridescent yellow-blue. their fingers lace in a motion they’ve done hundreds of times and still it never feels different than the first.

sanji lays back, and all he sees are stars.

#did yall catch that metaphor of the lotus being sanji's heart #and him literally handing it to zoro and saying “take care of it for me”#BECAUSE I DIDN'T #I ONLY REGISTERED IT AT THE END WHEN I WAS THINKING BACK TO IT #accidental literary device slay #LEMME KNOW IF YALL WANT HCS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT bcs there is Lore this just got too long for it #one piece #zosan #roronoa zoro #black leg sanji #zoro x sanji #one piece zosan #one piece sanji #sanji #one piece zoro #zoro #ino writes #zosan au

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drowxiv · 1 month

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Steel & Flames

Alright well - I've peaked. So much went into this gpose I'm going to do a little "behind the scenes" post to cover all of it. This is the most insane thing I've ever tried to do. It took 9 duty pops (mostly due to accidental auto attack) and 360 (very rapid) screenshots. #4. Battle

#ffxivvanilla24 #gpose challenge #vanillagpose24 #elezen #duskwight #paladin #male elezen #elezen hours #ifrit #ffxiv ifrit #I've never had a gpose make me scream like this one did #I can't even begin to describe the coordination #savage difficulty gpose #did you know ifrit has an ability that literally knocks you out of gpose #because I didn't

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oneiric-somnolence · 8 months

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I watched The Twilight Saga for the first time in 2023.

(Maybe somewhat obviously, there are spoilers for the Twilight Saga in this post! Proceed with caution and care.)

A real post on main, guys! Can you believe it?!

INTRO:

I’m a movie guy. I like films—even the ones that aren’t particularly good. Maybe especially those ones.

When I’d reached the target age and audience of Twilight (2008), I really was of the scene and aesthetics of someone who should have watched Twilight (that, of course, being an edgy tweenaged girl). It’s release was, however, just a few years before my most conscious ages and by then had already garnered the reputation of being a rather shit film. The specific kind that fell victim to excessive scrutiny because it was targeted towards girls. I was never terribly fond of things for girls (for reasons that would come to make themselves clear in the future) so I naturally joined the hate party. I think at that point, the most I’d even known about the film came from parody in the cartoons i was watching. There may have been a particularly notable Twilight bit in American Dad. Who remembers?

Anyhow—while no longer tweenaged or a girl, I feel as if I have reached the point in my life where I would most respect these films for what they are. I appreciate an amount of cheese and I feel that a lens of nostalgia for the era they come from will cloud my judgement quite beautifully. I hope there to be an amount of earnest in them—as that’s all that a film really needs to be entertaining to me—but I’ve seen criticism of the later films in the franchise for being very of an industry and without the charm that audiences enjoyed from the franchise initially. The quality or charisma of any films after the first (excluding Eclipse) will not be necessary to keep my attention because Michael Sheen is in them. So I’ll do my best to give them all a fair shot and not let the opinions of others snake too far into my mind.

First up, Twilight (2008)…

TWILIGHT (2008):

Knowing what I do about films in general and my preferences when it comes to them, I was immediately a bit turned off by the two-hour runtime. Even a supernatural action-romance didn’t need to be much longer than 1:45 if they knew what they were doing. It did, however, get the benefit of the doubt for being based on a book. I know that can lengthen things. Now, while it wasn’t exceptionally long, I think the movie would have greatly benefited from being a few tens of minutes shorter just to force them to figure out where their priorities lie and pace things much better. I will revisit this idea many times in the post to come as it is a bit of an issue with the franchise.

The very first thing the movie needs absolute credit for is its style. From the iconic blue filter over the entire movie to the insert song choices to the actors chosen and done up to specifically be beautiful in the way this story desires—they had a vision and they did their best to fulfill it. Now, I feel it necessary to mention I have not read the books nor do I plan to. I’m reviewing the films as films and alluding to the books as an abstract potentiality. I haven’t a damn clue what’s actually in them. With that bit clarified, it seems to me that the filmmakers had an idea of how they wanted to put the book to screen and it seems they’d succeeded.

My favorite part of the movie before the final climax was—believe it or not—the most memed scene of it: Bella’s confrontation of Edward. I like it. I thought the whole vampire research montage was fun and the “I know what you are” bit was well done and a good buildup-payoff (this will not be very common in these films). Save for the silly vampire super speed moment, it was a visually beautiful scene and a great emotional turning point for the film.

There are a few things that surely wouldn’t have made a teenager in 2008 bat an eye and even would seem their greatest fantasy while not aging well at all. I very much enjoy the dynamic of “I would love to love you and it’s in my very nature to do horrible things to you but I love you too much to ever do them” but, as an already ethically gray trope, it becomes odd to watch when you put two high school juniors in it. Now make one of those juniors an immortal that has been a teenager much longer than the other and you start to wonder what the fuck you’re watching. Lonely flip phone-era girls don’t think about these things and that’s why they’re happier than us. Though, the filmmakers (I’m counting Stephenie Meyer as a “filmmaker” as she did have a hand in it by, y’know, writing the books they’re based on) did think about the oddness of it to some extent because, in the following films, they did wait until Bella was an adult to let things get “serious.” I’ll give them that.

I liked the baseball scene. That may be a bias for how anime it is and the Muse song in the background, but I did think it was a good transition from romance focus to Vampire Murder focus by showing us vampiric abilities in action. I do think the other vamps showing up to crash it and that being the major turning point was rather lame and I can’t exactly say why. That said, I found most of this section of this film to be rather uninteresting. The villains were unengaging—the best vampire out of the three antagonists was Laurent and they did fuck all with him. I rather dislike Victoria (and you will see that that will in no way change for me as the series goes on) and whatever the killer one’s name was. I really didn’t like him—it was no fault of the actor’s as I could tell he was trying really hard with the horrific dialogue he was given. He didn’t convince me as a Killer and had no motivation as a Vampire.

As for the very end climax of the film, Kristen Stewart is about the only on this cast who could do action sequences convincingly and she was never actually partaking in any of them until they almost killed her. Alright. The final fight had some very pretty and cool shots but the fight choreography was just awkward and boring (this is never remedied even as the franchise goes on). I enjoyed the dynamic of the Cullens for the first time during this fight and I’m happy to say that they stay a very good group of characters from this point on.

If you break the movie into four 40 minute segments, the first half was okay, the third fourth was lame and uninteresting, and the last bit was maybe even quite good. The literal last seconds of the film aren’t a half bad lead into the next movie. I wish they’d prioritized some things and emphasized some other things. If they forced themselves to make this movie 30 minutes shorter, I think they would have found where their priorities lie and it would have been punchier and much more consistent and engaging. Not a completely horrible movie. I feel like they wanted to lean into more of the lore and world building I’m sure the book had, and they take the opportunity to do so in the following films, but you could tell they wanted to. It felt like they either forgot or weren’t sure exactly how.

It’s a charming film, confident in it's romance but less so in it’s action. It’s got as many dumb and flawed moments as it has nice or enjoyable ones. Worth a watch for the sake of a watch. That’s the best I’ve got—it takes a backseat in your mind once you’ve watched all the others as the story moves so quickly in insane directions. It’s a humble beginning.

Here are some of my various notes I wrote while watching:

“Bella gets sexually assaulted eight minutes into the movie.”

“All the banter dialogue in this movie is completely unnatural and unbearable except all the small town Washington folks. Love them. That said, this is exactly how two extremely awkward teens act when forced to partner up in class.”

“If I was partnered with Edward Cullen, I would just assume he was severely autistic. (ETA: I’m not sure he isn’t. Might be on the spectrum on top of all the vampire shit.)"

“Edward Cullen really was such a dark pretty boy back then, wasn’t he? I’m not trying to imply Robert Pattinson isn’t widely considered beautiful still, but nowadays you can find a guy exactly like him smoking a cigarette and listening to Radiohead on every street corner—and also in every female demographic anime video game since 2010.”

"Edward should’ve just pretended he was surprised about the eye thing and the super strength and whatever. "

“This entire family are freaks and it’s not because they are vampires."

“I’m starting to wonder if Edward talks so weird because a young Robert Pattinson is struggling to do an American accent."

“These movies would be infinitely less lame if more people got maimed to death. (ETA: They do.)”

“I was unaware of how close this film got to a sex scene.”

NEW MOON (2009):

This series has a habit of introducing a villain with very high potential and then either killing them or elaborating on them in a way that does not matter and doesn’t really amount to anything. This movie is Victoria’s nothing elaboration and the introduction of Aro and the Volturi.

The Volturi, to me, are these very enticing anime-style villains. I think they’re a good addition to the lore as the governing body of vampires. They have their flaws, as every group in this franchise does, but their existence and the way they work in the story shows intention and direction—something I’ve mentioned these films are quite low on. This film is their exposition. They do little actual villainy within the walls of New Moon and I do wish they were simply more prevalent in general, but this film gives them great context and introduces them very, very well. I’m writing this here as a bit of a preface—they don’t really get too involved until the near end of the movie. This, though, is a good thing. They take the opportunity to properly explain and expose the Volturi and explain to us why we should be scared or be enticed by them before they force us to.

The emotional plot was—I don’t know—something. It seems odd and forced and unsure of itself but it tells us why Edward and Bella need each other and makes sure everyone in the movie is aware of it as well. I appreciate that. Breakup plots when you know they end up just fine together feel like they take forever to get anywhere and make any sense, though I’ll give it the benefit of seeing it through the eyes of that lonely teenage flip phone girl. I’m sure she was quite devastated and would have been left as Bella was if the movie didn’t resolve itself.

This was his movie but still I found a lot of Jacob's plot unmemorable. The only thing I do remember is how this is the film that turned him from the fun, casual alternative into a bit of a weird, obsessed never-even-was-ex-lover who chooses repeatedly and knowingly to insert himself where he isn’t wanted. A bit of Jacob's character is remedied in the following films but he really just enters an odd state where they aren’t sure what to do with him and you aren’t sure if you like him.

It did stop being the werewolf movie by the end of it. This is when the Volturi show up and steal the movie—and Michael Sheen shows up to steal every scene he’s in. I’m told Victoria was the main villain of this film and yet she was the most forgettable aspect of the film. By the time they make it to Italy, you don’t give a single shit about any of that—the feeling of something much bigger sets in as they spend little time wading in What Just Happened and quickly move on to setting up the following films.

The unsatisfactory pacing and poor prioritization of subject matter per film is somewhat remedied when you start thinking of this Saga as a series—and I do believe it would have been one if the books were adapted in a time where limited series were more popular. Thinking of them as an anime is what made it more easy to finish and accept certain oddities.

Overall, there was too much of the film that was terribly unremarkable but the good parts were rather very good and gave me a perhaps misguided hope for the next one. To add—I quite liked the soundtrack. The insert songs were often fitting and genuinely added to the scenes they were in.

Here are some of the notes I wrote while watching:

“So far, it’s my impression that these films are just as wildly ambitious as they are confused. It does, admittedly, make them a bit endearing.”

“I don’t think I’d take the time and effort to read the books but I could definitely see this story being much more nuanced and enjoyable in text form. Though I can’t say anything of Stephenie Meyer’s writing style. I haven’t read even an excerpt of it. Maybe it sucks. Who knows.”

“Michael Sheen’s first appearance in this movie is him ripping off a man’s head.” (This was noted simply from sense of amusement. Or perhaps arousal.)

“Alice Cullen is genuinely adorable.”

“I get the emotional implication of the motorcycle but I really don’t think Edward Cullen would be opposed to his girlfriend having a sick ass motorcycle if they were together right now.”

"I’ll admit I have been somewhat too engaged to make notes. So I guess that’s good. “

“Why did Edward fly to fucking Italy to kill himself? Just eat some fucking garlic or something dude.”

“I found this movie to be far more consistently engaging. And my judgement isn’t clouded by having Michael Sheen on screen because he barely was.”

“The vampire fight in Twilight was lame. The vampire fight in New Moon is even lamer since we got to see how fuckin' sick the werewolf fights were.”

“I’ll give credit to this movie for officially engaging me in the plot of these characters. I actually wanted to know where things were going in this movie. I didn’t feel that too hard with the first.”

ECLIPSE (2010):

New Moon sets up the Volturi and Eclipse knocks it down? No, not at all. They aren’t really even here. Victoria. Victoria, Victoria, Victoria. Hey, at least she dies in this one. They foreshadow the conflict very heavily and then go into a bunch of particularly boring relationship nonsense. It sets up for progression within Edward and Bella’s relationship to come but I found the way in which they did it a total snoozefest. I don’t care about the sex lives of teenagers. I’m sorry. Lord forgive me. A lot of what happened in this film could have happened elsewhere. It didn’t particularly need to exist in the grand scheme of the story.

The main point of this movie was Bella’s dichotomies. Bella struggles with the decision to be turned into a vampire and the decision between Edward and Jacob (though, that one less so as the narrative so clearly favors Edward). She’s shown the barbarism of vampires through the newborns and she’s shown the beauty and humanity in them as she talks to the Cullens about their lives and as she falls deeper in love with Edward. There’s a very nice bit where, in a graduation speech, Bella’s friend talks about how her age is about making mistakes and that nothing is permanent. It’s a very nice speech for anyone to hear and sends a good amount of uncertainty to Bella that drags with her until she makes her final decision at the end of the movie. I thought that was rather well done both cinematically and thematically. That may have been the most enjoyable part of the movie for me.

Despite its flaws, by this movie I was unfortunately hooked. My critical mind had left me and I really was just following the plot. Still, I didn’t have the mind for emotional stuff that bored me and the action aspects of the movie were also rather boring. They gave us good backgrounds on some of the Cullens. The best vampire fight in the movie was when they were sparring. We get some decent vamp/wolf action and some jumping points. This movie was just a bridge but that does mean it leaves you wondering what’s next. The pacing feels a lot nicer, again, if you think of is as a really long episode of a greater series.

My notes are a little more sparse for this one:

“I really don’t find Victoria to be an interesting or scary enough villain to warrant being a villain for this many movies.”

“I think this franchise is so much more bearable when you think of it as an anime. Genuinely.”

“How many actors in these films are English and trying very hard not to be? Lots of weird accents going on here.”

“Every single other Cullen is infinitely more interesting than the one the story chooses to follow."

“I love the Volturi’s anime villainy. It’s my favorite thing in this entire franchise.”

“Jasper may be the weirdest, most fucked up creepo Cullen but he is also the funniest by far.”

“Why does Jacob specifically have to carry Bella to mask her scent? I don’t get it. If he’s so pungent, just him walking with her should be enough, no?”

BREAKING DAWN — PART 1 (2011):

The decisions are made! Edward and Bella are getting married! Then they’ll fuck and turn Bella into a vampire a bit later! Yeah! I know, like, thematically why they place so much emphasis on Edward and Bella having sex but I find it much less interesting than the whole Turning Into a Fucking Vampire thing. Bella gets pregnant. Hell spawn. Everyone gets pissed off. She has the baby. They name it something stupid. She almost dies. Edward turns her into a vampire. Jacob gets the hots for the just-born child and I’m supposed to be okay with that for some reason. Really, even the flip phone girl has to be asking questions by now. There. I summed up the whole movie. Really, that’s pretty much all that happens. Oh! The werewolves wanted to kill the kid, but didn’t. For reasons relating to Jacob wanting to fuck it when it grows up. I don’t know. I’m trying.

This movie was unexciting and just set up Part 2. I suppose it did exactly what it was meant to do but it did nothing for me. There you are.

Wanna read some of my notes? Here:

“If I dreamt Michael Sheen was at my wedding, it would in no way be a nightmare. “

“Sex preparation montage? Okay. I have no comments. I just needed to mention it was there.”

“They really, really don’t know what happens when a vampire impregnates a human? Really? In all this time?"

“Werewolf rage segment doesn’t interest me. The first half of this movie has not been particularly interesting."

“Every single actor in these movies are just beautiful. Genuinely fantastic-looking people. The vampires’ makeup would convince you otherwise though.”

"'Jacob just had an idea.’ '…It wasn’t an idea. It was a snide comment.’ is the funniest dialogue in this whole franchise.”

“Vampire venom CG? Okay."

"Jacob 'imprinting' on Renesmee is such an unbelievably odd and vile thing to put into this story. So fucked up."

“This is the movie that turned Bella into a vampire but still manages to be a boring and unnotable transitional phase into Part 2.”

BREAKING DAWN — PART 2 (2012):

This movie is the actual payoff for the Volturi—if you could call it that at all. This is it: the great climax! And yet it takes so long to get going in a way that means anything. The stakes set you up for everything and give you nothing.

Bella enjoys being a vampire. Everyone is really mean to her dad for some reason. Everyone got really cool with Jacob taking claim on Renesmee very fast. The Volturi catch wind of Renesmee and think she is a child who was turned into a vampire, which is Vampire Illegal, so once again, they come to hunt down the Cullens. They’re very foreboding and scary and Micheal Sheen pleases me greatly no matter how terrible he looks. Really, with all the lost visions in these movies I wish they could have found a genuinely good design for the vampires—I’d never quite liked how they look.

Anyhow, the Cullens build a great vampire army to fight off several clones of the Spirit Halloween logo, but, of course, they’re hoping they don’t have to fight and that the Volturi will hear them out. It all comes together in an empty field when the snow sticks to the ground where it’s vampires and werewolves versus the Italians. We see a great battle that gets infinitely lamer-looking when the characters you like join in because God hates you. Humbert and Dolores—I mean Jacob and Renesmee make a break for safety. Vampires get shattered like stone, werewolves go down like sick dogs and Aro rips off Carlisle Cullen’s head. Aro gets his head smashed off. Rami Malek is there.

But alas! None of it’s real. We cut back in to Aro holding Alice’s hand before they started fighting and reading what she saw in the future—the future he has if they choose to battle today. Aro wants to call it off to save is head in the most literal sense possible but still fears danger remains in the form of a half-human-half-vampire child. Alice reveals a vampire they met who is indeed that and is just fine. Great, even. Grew to maturity and stopped aging. Aro is delighted and just leaves. All is well and all romantic pursuits are happy, including one with Bella’s father who is the only man in this series who deserves happiness. That’s the end of the film and the franchise as it stands.

While I would normally go completely feral and find someone to maim with that kind of “it wasn’t real!” ending, this one feels… earned. It stayed engaging. It had a reason to exist other than just trickery. I have no complaints regarding that and I’m sure it was rather exciting to experience in-theater at the time.

What I have got complaints about is once again that rancid sense that they have no idea where they’re going next. It doesn’t feel at all like they’re done with it but they gave no indication of where they would want to go in the future. With almost no payoff from the best villains in the series—everything just goes back to how it is and everyone’s happy. The only difference between the end of Twilight and the end of Breaking Dawn 2 is that Bella is a vampire now and Renesmee exists. It was an exciting movie but with so little point. This franchise is so afraid of ending but so unsure it’ll go on. It’s understandable but just annoying and unsatisfying as a viewer. It does deserve credit for making me care that there was a good ending, just gets the same points taken back for not giving me one.

Overall, I enjoyed the film. It’s one of my favorites in the series. I can’t, however, rate it as an ending because it isn’t one. I can tell it wants to get there but it’s too unsure.

Last round of notes comin’ up:

“They’ve taken a rather vague stance on if vampires sleep recreationally or not.” (This still annoys me.)

“I know I’m saying this while I actively chose to watch the goddamn Twilight Saga but I do not care one single bit about the vampire sex. It’s the least interesting part of these films. They managed to make Vampire Sex boring. I don’t get it.”

“Rami Malek was quite a sweet thing in this movie. I’m used to his characters being like sick or on drugs or something.”

“I like that that credits were kind of credits for the whole franchise. that’s nice.”

“Okay, I did not expect Billie Joe Armstrong once the scrolling credits came in.”

CLOSING STATEMENTS:

It’s not a series that’s going to change your world. I don’t even think it’d make a viewer of average sensitivity cry unless it hit a nerve specific to the viewer. It’s a flawed story, but ultimately an interesting and deeply earnest one. I find there’s a charm specific to the first and final movies. That isn’t to say the other’s were less interesting, just that the franchise has a problem with drive and direction. Quite obviously, the very first and the very last are the ones easiest to overcome that. The series is best at its most certain. There were moments it seemed rather confused about what was important or how something was to be portrayed, but within the moments that were very confident in themselves was an engaging supernatural romance, and I find it quite easy to give it the benefit of the doubt more often than not.

In two words—flawed, charming. It does what it wants to do and isn’t completely terrible at it. Overall enjoyable films.

I wouldn’t recommend someone sit through them all unless I think they would actually like that kind of thing or if they were making an essay about it. I might, however, recommend that one who enjoys films watch the first and perhaps second to see if they may be unexpectedly enticed. I found myself—to my own discontent—hooked in by the third one. I don’t recommend holding out that long if you really aren’t enjoying yourself but if you insist on giving them a fair chance, that’s my anecdote.

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illiana-mystery · 1 year

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He's too cute for words.

#what a cutie #precious man #and he must be protected #at all costs #yall thought i forgot about harry #because i didn't #i really didn't #i still love this dork #harry greaves #trust me #screen one #my sweet alfredo #my heart #❤️❤️❤️❤️#alfred molina

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a-dragons-journal · 2 years

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as someone who's new to the otherkin thing i'm really confused 'cause i would side with the cat therian (?) anon. if we take catgirl's dna to a lab and ask a scientist it'll come back human. spiritually mentally psychologically philosophically they can be a cat but dna doesn't change when you find out about your kintype. i'm mermaidkin but my dna is human bc this body is human. am i missing something? i'm so lost. i don't have mermaid genes or alleles. is that disrespectful to myself to say?

I'm gonna yoink these into one post, since they're more or less the same point, and this'll probably be the last asks I answer on the topic.

So, yes, you are both correct, but it's kind of beside the point.

Point 1: the point of "if someone has conveyed that calling them human is distressing to them, it is rude to continue to insist on calling them human over and over again, because it is rude to knowingly do something that distresses someone" still stands, for all the reasons I and others have already talked about and which I will not repeat again for the sake of brevity.

Point 2: even if this is a delusion, which is entirely possible, responding with a flat "no you're not/that's not possible" is not going to be helpful. Generally speaking, reality checking delusions is liable to do more harm than good. Politely inquiring as to why someone believes that is generally a fine way to go about "not encouraging the delusion"; point-blank "that's not true" is if anything typically going to push the person further into the delusion because that's how delusions work. They're not logical. It is possible to gently bring up the idea that it might be a case of delusions, because while delusions aren't inherently harmful, in my mind if someone is experiencing delusions while unaware they have delusions those delusions are probably a lot more likely to end up being harmful, but even then it should probably be done in a way that doesn't, like, completely invalidate the fact that the person is still experiencing that reality.

On why "don't encourage the delusion" is kind of a sketchy argument to be having in the first place

On what "don't encourage the delusion" should actually mean

And I'll also go ahead and ping @strawberrybabydog, who hopefully doesn't mind, in case I missed anything or misspoke anywhere.

As a subpoint, regarding this:

i'm mermaidkin but my dna is human bc this body is human. am i missing something? i'm so lost. i don't have mermaid genes or alleles. is that disrespectful to myself to say?

No, of course not. Because you are comfortable with that statement. As am I; as are most otherkin. Rules like this do not always have to be universal (in fact, they usually aren't).

#asked and answered #anonymous #rani talks #i also don't Love you implying that i implied literally anywhere that i believe having nonhuman dna in a literal sense is a thing #because i didn't #but i'll let that go

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queer-reader-07 · 18 days

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my crack theory on what my brother and i chose to do with our lives is that my dad being an electrical engineer (in name but not so much in practice lol) rubbed off on the two of us in exactly opposite directions.

like i got the "ooo science math stem!!" side and am now pursuing biochem and my brother got the "building shit making stuff!!" side and is doing welding at the trade school.

and i think that's fun and cool. also my brother doing welding is very cool to me and it's definitely a "i have a cool big brother" moment for me which is kind of beside the point but worth mentioning if you ask me

#also did y'all know that modern welding helmets have like digitally controlled darkness settings?#and are solar powered??#because i didn't #but then my brother had his helmet out on the counter the other day because he had to charge it by the window #so that's a fun fact for you today!#technically #stem major shenanigans #personal

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eleventeenratsinaflannelsuit · 9 months

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Sent this email to my ApCompSci teacher at almost midnight

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01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101001 01100110 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 01110100 01100101 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 01110011 00101110

00101000 01110010 01100101 01101101 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101001 01110011 01101000 00100000 01100111 01100001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01111000 01110100 00100000 01100110 01110010 01100101 01100101 0010000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100011 01101100 01100001 01110011 01110011 00101001 00101110

01010100 01101000 01100001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110100 00101100

00101101 01010011 01100001 01101101

#binary #Ap CompSci #this is exactly why she's told me not to have caffeine #because i didn't #0 caffeine attributed to this #it took like #over an hour #rat.txt

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cobbssecondbelt · 3 months

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Starting the year with an announcement! 🎉

As I am beginning to develop my writing and my art, I made a Ko-Fi page to share my works more directly. I will be posting all my fan-made projects, including my art pieces, stories and additional content I wouldn't post on this blog. I also have ideas for a small art shop in a (hopefully) near future. My platform here will be used in a more casual way like you're used to, though I will still promote some of my pieces here too. There's no paywall, you are all welcome! :)

Thank you again for the 200 subscribers. It might not seem like a lot, but I am deeply grateful for every single person who finds joy in what I do. 💚

#By the way #Did you know we are approaching our 3rd anniversary of this blog?#Because I didn't #March 7th don't come too fast

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ronanception · 1 year

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Did you realize DitM updated?

#because I didn't #until I saw my emails #fic rec #read it read it read it

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mixing-up-details · 9 months

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Hope yall are ready, I’m droppin a huge treat for ya!

SIX new chapters for The House(mate) Maid!

Enjoy! :)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39382029/chapters/123064729

#update #thm #thmm #undertale fic #did yall know that you can only have up to 75 tags on a fic?#because i didn't

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birlwrites · 2 years

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ttdl if the marauders and regulus's group were in the same year

i came up with this in the tags of my last post so if you notice some similarities between this post and the tags on that one, that's why

slughorn assigns potions partners alphabetically by last name so regulus and sirius would DEFINITELY be partners. they'd be INFURIATED. sirius would strongly consider changing his last name to potter. regulus would say 'what, you can't even handle my presence? pathetic' and then out of spite sirius would stay potions partners with him

evan and james: constantly competing to be The Cool Funny Popular One. at all times. they're fucking insufferable

regulus knows EVERYTHING in astronomy and sirius can't decide whether to pretend to know nothing to spite his family or to reveal that he also knows everything to spite regulus specifically (because he can't have people thinking regulus is the smarter one!! no fucking way!!!)

lucinda and lily would be friends and they would also frequently look at each other like 'are we the only sane people here' and the answer would be no. because none of them are sane.

remus is having constant breakdowns in the corner watching his friends get into ANOTHER fight with the slytherins about ANOTHER incredibly stupid thing that will probably result in sirius being decked YET AGAIN by barty crouch jr

(the first time this happened is because they were fighting and barty said something like 'if you say one more word i'm going to hit you' and sirius said something like 'why bother threatening me? just hit me then!! or are you a COWARD' and that is how they wound up in the hospital wing)

the teachers all have a meeting on the subject of 'do we separate them for detention or do we make them do detention together as part of the punishment'

the answer depends on who they're trying to combine. james will be grumpy but non-combative in detention with anyone except regulus (then there's fighting). you cannot put barty and sirius in the same room and expect it to go well. or even mediocrely. if you put regulus and sirius in the same room there won't be outright fighting but there will be constant bickering with the meanest zingers you've ever heard. it's hilarious but you Cannot Laugh because you're also a little horrified at the barbs they are trading. also because you're supervising their detention

the embarrassingly huge crush that emma definitely had on marlene mckinnon in fourth year would be even WORSE because now they would INTERACT REGULARLY

charlotte is also having a constant breakdown in the corner but it's not because her friends are getting into fights it's because everyone around her has lost it and she cannot get peace and quiet ANYWHERE in the castle and dumbledore refuses to let her transfer to hufflepuff

regulus would have significantly less time to fight a war because he'd be busy coming up with new ways to get back at james for his most recent crime (e.g. breathing too loudly)

neither gryffindor nor slytherin would win the house cup for a full seven years

they wOULD however set a new record for 'largest number of students in detention for being involved in the same fight'

as well as 'largest number of students who are SO infuriated by each other that even the presence of minerva mcgonagall is not enough to persuade them to BEHAVE THEMSELVES'

james attempts to bodily pick up and throw regulus into the black lake

regulus retaliates by locating the proper window of gryffindor tower, flying up to it in the middle of the night, breaking it, and dumping gallons of lake water into the room

evan helps, just for shits and giggles

maeve would help but she's terrified of heights so she mostly helps with gathering the water

regulus and remus go a full 4.5 years without exchanging a single word because remus (correctly) assumes that the ONLY thing keeping him out of the fighting is the fact that he has never antagonized regulus

barty and remus are secret DADA study partners. they attempt to take this secret to their graves. unfortunately the marauders' map ruins this and sirius and regulus have a SCREAMING FIGHT over it in the great hall at breakfast the next day

regulus's reputation for being cool and collected is completely destroyed. actually it never existed

gryffindor v slytherin quidditch matches routinely draw the entire school to watch. they love finding out about quidditch fouls they didn't know existed. they also love remus's commentary because of his editorial comments about his fraying sanity and his countdown to graduation (which he begins in third year). once he gets the number of days wrong and mcgonagall corrects him. she's counting too

but over the years remus stops being surprised by literally anything that happens in these quidditch matches

so his commentary turns into 'aaaand it looks like the gryffindor seeker is attempting to shove the slytherin seeker off his broom... last year that didn't happen until about half an hour into the match, this year they've beat that time by twenty minutes, i suppose that's progress... sirius black's broom seems to be on fire... either one of the slytherins has managed to sneak their wand onto the pitch or they have someone who can do wandless magic... either way it bodes poorly for the rest of my week. potter has hit vanity in the face with the quaffle, unclear if that was a flubbed pass or if it was on purpose. madam hooch is not calling that as a penalty, i assume because she's decided to let the minor fouls slide and focus on the ones that verge on attempted murder, she only has so much time in the day after all. 703 days of this left, by the way'

'706, lupin'

'oh sorry, professor, you're right. 706'

#hp #dark lord wip #barty: YOU'RE SAYING A BROKEN NOSE IS A MINOR FOUL????#emma with blood pouring down her face: yeah i can still play this is nothing #did you know there's a 4096 character limit on individual bullet points #because i didn't #when did ttdl become a dark academia sports anime?#no idea. unrelated: i have in fact written quite a bit of aftg fanfiction #and emma is absolutely channeling kevin and neil here

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