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green-fifteen · 3 months

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Day 4: Harry Du Bois Gets a Clue

Prompt: Learn Fandom: Disco Elysium Pairing: Harry Du Bois/Kim Kitsuragi Word count: 796 Summary: YOU - Wait, you have a boyfriend? read on AO3 instead

for @fluffyfebruary

DESK OF HARRIER DU BOIS - Spilled coffee streams down the side of your desk, drips from paperwork that is due to be processed in only a few hours. The papers are fully soaked now, however. Along with your badge and the end of your tie.

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] - There is someone standing behind you, watching the coffee spread over the floor.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Oh, nice. I was thinking your workstation was getting too neat. Only right that a fucking mess gets to wallow in his own disaster."

YOU - "You know what? This is the end for me."

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "Don't be an idiot. If you were going to die, you would have done it already."

YOU - "No, I really think this time is the one. Each day only brings new torment."

VOLITION - It does feel bad, but you might be exaggerating. You're already thinking about where you're going to find a mop and a cloth to clean this mess.

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "No, absolutely. You're right. Just end it, Dick Mullen! It's not like your boyfriend would have anything to say about it-- then again I wouldn't put it past you to forget that when you take the shot."

LOGIC [Easy: Failure] - Boyfriend?

YOU - "Boyfriend?"

JEAN VICQUEMARE - "I am not doing this with you, you prick. Fuck off." He strides away.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Success] - Since you've been back from Martinaise in one piece (minus some core memories), you might have laid it on kind of thick one or two times. Things like 'Jean, help me file these reports, I don't know where anything is because I have amnesia.' and 'Jules, can you call Requisitions for me, I don't know the number because I have amnesia." You suspect, no-- you know your amnesia is getting on everyone's nerves.

EMPATHY - He's a little worried about you, anyway. That's probably why he mentioned your boyfriend.

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging: Failure]- Wait a damn minute. Back to the boyfriend thing. Did you forget about him? Was he swept away in the flood of booze and amphetamines, along with everything else? You're getting a sick feeling in your stomach.

PERCEPTION - At that very moment, you see your partner. He just walked in from the snow, his hat peppered with snowflakes. He makes eye contact.

ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] - Your stupid heart beats a little off tempo.

AUTHORITY [Medium: Success]- Kim always knows what to do. Ask Kim about this.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant comes closer, unwinding his long scarf and removing his hat. He gives you a small smile as he sits down across from you.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Good morning, detective."

YOU - "Good morning."

INLAND EMPIRE - You shouldn't rush into questioning him. Just be friendly, first.

YOU - "So, Jean said I have a boyfriend."

KIM KITSURAGI - "He did?" One eyebrow is lifted high on his face.

YOU - "I spilled my coffee all over my desk, that's why he brought it up."

KIM KITSURAGI - "Okay," he says, sounding unsure but still smiling at you. "I don't mind. I know we haven't talked about it precisely and 'boyfriend' is perhaps a tad puéril… but it's good enough for most people in relationships."

YOU - You have no idea what he's talking about.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Don't you? Don't you feel that, champ?

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Challenging: Success] - Kim is looking at you with humor, seeming to expect you to take your time. Suddenly, it's very clear: Kim Kitsuragi is your boyfriend.

ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY [Medium: Success]- YEAH! YES! Holy shit, do you know what this means? Boyfriends make out, big dog! They do more than that. They touch each other, Harry. Tell Kim you want to touch him, right now. Maybe you can convince him to do it on your desk.

VOLITION - Do not do that. You're at work, don't embarrass yourself.

LOGIC - Your desk is covered in coffee.

DRAMA - But what if he said yes, my lord? Think of the spectacle-- the other officers would know then, wouldn't they? They would all know that Kim Kitsuragi belongs to you.

YOU - "Gah."

KIM KITSURAGI - He looks on the verge of laughter. His eyes are folded up in mirth behind his glasses.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Come over again tonight. I'm cooking."

ELECTRO-CHEMISTRY [Godly: Success]- Ask if you should bring your pajamas.

YOU - "Should I bring my pajamas?"

KIM KITSURAGI - He can't resist chuckling softly at the look on your face.

ENCYCLOPEDIA - You're certain you know the face you're making. It's a terribly fond one, with a heavy flavor of awe. You look like someone just handed you a warm puppy.

KIM KITSURAGI - "I would like that."

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cyberdragoninfinity · 1 year

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THROW MY BETTER SELF OVERBOARD SHOOT AT HIM WHEN HE COMES UP FOR AIR

#yugioh gx #zane truesdale #ryo marufuji #cyber dragon #ygoart #ygo #dana art #this illustration idea has been in my brain since like last year FINALLY getting it out onto the canvas!!!#heel turn 2 (+heel turn 1 which is what the lyrics on the very bottom of the piece are from) by tmg the zane song(s) ever to me #i love him so much. guy having a simply awful time #very brief suicidal ideation /

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the-gayest-sky-kid · 1 year

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mental illness is SOOO funny the last time i felt happy and free n actually wanted to live was my birthday 2021 lmaoo

#this is a cry for help i cant DO THIS ANYMORE #sorry im being dramatic rn ill probably be fine in like an hour or the next 30 min #but genuinely i haven't felt. Good. since 2021 #and that was on the brief car ride back to my house #lol. lmao even #aethers rants #cw vent #tw vent #cw sui ideation #idk its kinda implied #but i mean i guess tagging it makes it obvious huh #wait nevermind i reminded myself of the suicide? like from bsd? post I don't want to kms anymore

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edoro · 2 years

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so as per usual i saw people talking about a concept, pulled a face, then started thinking, “okay, but could that actually work?”, so here’s my personal take on how Hunter Killing Belos could actually work

so. imagine this. somehow, Hunter finds out about the draining spell/genocide plans on his own. it’s pre-Hollow Mind, that never ends up happening, so Belos doesn’t know he knows, and therefore his own life is not in immediate danger and he doesn’t have to run away.

instead, he’s just going about his regular daily life in the castle. attending to his duties as Golden Guard. assisting the Emperor, who he now knows is planning to murder the entire population of the Isles in at most a couple of months, and whose regime Hunter himself has personally helped prop up and legitimize.

now the thing about Hunter is that he thought he was doing something good. like everyone else, he sincerely believed the propaganda - he believed that Belos spoke to the Titan and carried out the Titan’s will, that he himself had some kind of divinely appointed grand destiny that he was working towards fulfilling, that the Isles were going to be ushered into paradise on the Day of Unity, that everything Belos did was for the good of the people.

he’s a deeply moral person with a strong sense of justice, imo, whose idea of what morality or justice or goodness is has been intensely warped by being raised by Emperor “Philip ‘lying serial killer’ Wittebane” Belos and handfed a steady diet of propaganda and manipulation for his entire life.

so. he has a choice. he can either let Belos hurt people, let Belos literally kill everyone on the Isles... or he can do something about it.

as far as he knows, he’s the only person who knows. as far as he knows, he’s the only person who can do anything about it.

on the one hand, there’s Belos. his uncle, the man who raised him, his only family, a man who he absolutely adores, a man he worships, a man who he has dedicated his entire life to serving. on the other hand, there’s literally every single living person in the entire Isles.

that’s not an easy choice for Hunter, not at all, but it’s a very simple one. he can’t let his uncle go through with it. but what’s he supposed to do? he can’t talk Belos out of it. there’s no act of sabotage he could commit that would sufficiently derail the Day of Unity. he’s just one person, albeit a very highly-ranked one.

no, the only real advantage he has is that he has unparalleled intimate access to the Emperor. to his uncle.

so... he uses that. he makes a plan. (he stops sleeping, he stops eating, he throws himself into his work, he does his best to keep up appearances, his stomach is eating itself and he feels so sick all of the time.) he gets Belos alone. it’s harder to do now than when he was younger, but he still finds himself alone with Belos in his workshop, in his personal chambers, away from anyone else, plenty often.

and he assassinates the Emperor.

he hopes to die in the attempt. failing that, he’s sure that he’ll be executed afterwards, and he’ll happily stand on the stage to be petrified without ever breathing a word of what he found out. no one else needs to know what Belos was planning. let them revile him, let his memory be dragged through the mud, let him be known forever as a traitor who took paradise away from them. that’s fine.

he doesn’t die, though! and, worse - he’s not the only person who knew. there were rebels at the highest levels who were trying to work to stop Belos themselves, and he got the jump on them and now they’re scrambling to get on top of this situation.

and now i invite you to consider... Raine Whispers, who has a ruthlessly practical streak a mile wide, who was absolutely willing to die and kill for the sake of toppling this dictator even before they knew he was planning genocide. who, as a performer, understands the value of propaganda.

(and Darius, who, as a theatrical bitch and someone who did an even better job of flying under the radar than Raine, also understands the value of putting on a good show. and cares about Hunter, too, although he’s never felt like it was safe enough to admit that to anyone, least of all Hunter.)

consider the two of them looking at the problem in front of them: they have a beheaded imperium staggering around about to collapse, a society full of witches and demons who have no idea what Hunter just did for them, and one extremely guilty suicidal teenage boy who just saved everyone’s lives and is ready to go to his grave without ever saying so because it meant betraying and murdering the man who raised him.

and consider them, practical, crafty, bastardous, going: “i think i know how to kill both of these birds with one stone here.”

and leaping to craft and push this whole narrative where the noble Golden Guard was ready and willing to sacrifice his own life to save the people of the Isles after learning of the Emperor’s true goals, so who better to take the Emperor’s place? with, of course, the support and advice of the ruling council of the coven heads, who truly knew nothing of what Belos intended.

(none of them like or respect Hunter. none of them trust or particularly like Raine, either. they probably largely don’t like Darius, but his loyalty and dedication is unimpeachable. he’ll talk them around. they all want power, right? well here it is - the boy can’t rule, he’s a trained dog stuffed into royal vestments, he’s a kid, he’ll need guidance, do you see what he’s saying?)

they save Hunter by making him a figurehead. now everyone knows the truth - although how long it’s going to take for everyone to accept that truth is another matter entirely - now the covens have a banner to rally under, now there’s a sense of continuity and society has been shaken without collapsing entirely, so Raine and Darius and Eberwolf can go on making changes and bringing about the government they want to have without completely tearing it down and starting all over again.

(Raine is worried about him. this is a lot for a kid to deal with, and he’s obviously troubled. but it’s the best thing for the greatest number of people, and it’s only until they can hammer out something better.)

(Darius is so proud of him - a secret palisman and sneaking out to make friends is one thing, but this? if he’d known Hunter had this kind of rebellion in him, he might’ve brought the kid into his confidence a lot earlier. he wishes they’d been able to coordinate, because sweet Titan is this a grade-A clusterfuck of a mess, but he can’t bring himself to regret not telling the Emperor’s loyal right-hand boy man about the treason he was planning.)

(and Hunter? well. Hunter has A Job To Do, so he can’t throw himself into the spike moat, no matter how miserable he is.)

#hunter toh #emperor belos #raine whispers #darius deamonne #the owl house #couple brief mentions of #suicide #suicidal ideation #figurehead child emperor hunter au

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witchey · 10 months

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uhm.

it feels weird to admit that i haven't been myself these past few years. like i used to actually love myself quite a bit for a while and was relatively happy with me and my life/situation but idk. the self awareness kicked in. the psychosis got worse. i started seeing myself in a different light as someone who is hardly as good as i perceived myself. i started realizing my situation was shit and i was stuck in a hole i dug myself. i can't get out and im afraid of everything now. iM so tired and sad and hateful towards myself i don't trust myself and i feel lost and idk like i actually hadn't gotten better i just wasn't as self aware or acknowledging my problems i was just living in my own head happy to be distracted and now i can't and i'm not. and i'm so insane now like so much worse off than before bc of the psychosis it's actually killing me. like my soul is dying man and i can't see myself living past this. i really kinda wanna die LOL

#🔮💭#tw for like. depressive thoughts and brief suicidal ideation

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party-gilmore · 5 months

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Check ALL The Warnings In The Tags If You’re Ducking Below The Read More.

DISCLAIMER: This is a post about me specifically and my broken fucking brain. I am not trying to make any sweeping statements about colonizer guilt or “activism burn-out,” of which others have made EXCELLENT points and i am not trying to draw away from those conversations at all. This is specifically about how my panic disorder and suicidal ideation are making it difficult for me to safely manage my level of involvement and interaction online, at the expense of the ability to actually put in the work for change out in the real world.

OKAY.

Last post on mobile. Tumblr is officially deleted from my phone. we are on Set Amount Of Time A Day - PC/Desktop only for a while.

To be very clear the point of this is not looking for sympathy or trying to be guilt trippy, just trying to get a hold of where my head’s at and let y’all know I’m not gonna be around so much but that I’m okay. Or least, this is me TRYING to be okay.

i CANNOT let the doom-scrolling keep affecting my ability to actually do anything that might actually help. The way i’ve been interacting on this site, trying to Stay Informed but blurring that line and crossing into constantly seeking more and more details that i NEED to admit i can’t handle, whether it’s the level of detail or the constantness of it or both…

the paralysis and anxiety and panic and - there’s an actual word for when you keep vividly imagining the absolute worst possible outcome but i can’t remember what it is, probably something else starting with “doom” - anyways the point is i clearly don’t have the ability right now to:

a) have any kind of ready access to The Horrors without making it… LITERALLY constant in my life. i don’t have the control to take it in measured doses, i need to recognize that if i have any kind of access all the time it WILL be a 100% deep dive nothing but the fucking trauma and abominations being inflicted on others in detail from the moment i get up until i finally clear my head enough to sleep for a few hours. which yeah i KNOW Palestinians in Gaza don’t GET that luxury it IS 24/7 all the time for them and I wouldn’t be complaint about that at ALL honestly if it weren’t for the fact that right now CLEARLY i do not have the fucking ability to

b) stop that from paralyzing me from any Real Action. It just locks me up. It SHOULDNT i should be able to compartmentalize that shit because physically for now i am fine my family is fine but instead i just fucking sit there , blankly staring as I scroll through atrocity after atrocity after atrocity that powerful governments are supporting, feeling like i cant do shit cuz it’s just getting worse and worse, then guilty that i feel like giving up, then GUILTY that i feel guilty because who am i trying to guiltrip here who CARES if I feel guilty when i’m not in the same situation they are they have it so much worse and they keep on going what would YOU do in that situation huh if you can’t even handle THIS - then that kicks of the vivid imaginings of me and my family experiencing that kind of slow death and dismemberment and being crushed by rubble then of course because we’re in america close to dc my brain jumps to nukes and how we’re in the zone JUST far away enough from DC for it not to kill us outright it would be slow and horrifying and painful and could i bring myself to at least get in the car and make it up to them so we could at least die together or would it be alone and afraid like all these people around the world are going through, that Palestine is going through, that my government is putting them through -

anyways it’s that spiral that keeps me sitting and scrolling and sitting and scrolling and wallowing in - what i genuinely thought was me just being a shitty fucking person but i realize now was actually genuinely - an anxiety attack (that’s the one that’s slow and creeping, right? panic is the fast sharp one) like an actual physically can’t shake myself out of “i forgot my brain was fucking broken, the adhd meds aren’t gonna magically fix everything” anxiety attack. Every goddamn day.

And let me be very clear again about my point here my point is not to try and guilt trip or garner sympathy my POINT is -

I cant do the kind of shit that actually helps anyone, in real fucking life, if I keep sending my brain into lockdown panic “All Is Lost, You Suck, Just Fucking Die” mode.

I want to be better, do better, be stronger, not have to look away at all. But I can’t trust myself not to fucking…. wallow in the goddamn despair of it all right now. So I need to take that option away.

Because who’s it really for, honestly? All the sharing and the posting? There’s a limit to what actually helps. The people following me have already made up their minds, one way or another. Sharing more of the same old shit isn’t going to actually CHANGE anything. Once youre through the new information of the day, the shit people actually need to know that they might not already… it feels like it’s just fucking… performative bullshit. like it’s all about making sure people SEE you still sharing all of this stuff. Oh look i’m still involved see how involved i am see how i’m still reading and sharing and posting all this stuff arent I a Good Activist?

What does any of that matter if it’s breaking my brain so much I can’t actually do any activism???

I would rather be considered weak and selfish by strangers on the fucking internet who don’t see me sharing as many posts as they think I should, but who ACTUALLY KEEPS WRITING the emails and MAKING the calls and SEEKING OUT events and disruptions and protests that maybe i can actually PARTICIPATE in

Than to keep showing off how i’m not “Looking Away” online but then spend every night sitting on my couch doing Fuck All about it, locked in a perpetual doom scroll through my For You page, imagining my flesh slowly burning and melting off as I hoist my whimpering dying dog’s body into the back of my car and desperately try to reach my parent’s house in time to say good bye and all go together, then shoving all that down into a flimsy box at the last minute to be able to smile at my mom and act like I just swung by to help with the floors instead of absolutely needing to see her and my father alive right now and touch them and fucking hate myself for indulging in that when Palestinians can’t so much that i force myself into an even deeper doom scroll next time as penance because how dare i look away for a MOMENT i can see them i can live i NEED to MAKE myself look at what’s happening-… rinse and repeat.

#thoughts of death #some suicidal ideation #mostly the worst bit is the last paragraph i might’ve gotten a little carried away with explaning my most common imagined death scenario #via Nuke #uuhhhh what else description of a hopelessness spiral #that i’m TRYING to fight it’s not going great but i’m TRYING #i think that’s about it. i swear despite these tags it’s a HOPEFUL post. it’s just i gotta be more realistic about how utterly FUCKED my #ability to stay sane about all this is in order to actually TAKE the steps i need to take to do something USEFUL about it #OH and brief but descriptive mention of dog death for those particularly sensitive to it

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residents-of-the-darkforest · 1 year

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Strength (short story)

Smalljump had no idea how to act in such a horrible situation, or any situation, really. But he wouldn’t feel right not acting, or worse, avoiding. Gorseheart was a good, if not unexpected close friend of his since the more experienced tom had offered to train Smalljump, who was much weaker than him. It didn’t matter to Smalljump nearly as much as it did Sparktail that the lessons weren’t particularly gentle. Gorseheart still did them for him, for no other reason than to help him.

Smalljump had to return the favour somehow, no matter that those sessions had ended moons ago, and a time as dark as this seemed like the best place to start. The only question was how to start. What do you say to someone who has just lost two kits?

He found Gorseheart easily. He was wandering aimlessly beneath some pines, distant enough from his den to hear and see his remaining kits or Emberdawn if they needed him. His fur was a mess, sticking up in many places and matted with dirt. Smalljump wondered how long it had been since he groomed himself.

“Hey Gorseheart!” Smalljump called. He was several tail-lengths away, yet the words made Gorseheart jump. Seeing his gaze, Smalljump could see how red his eyes were, and the several bags sitting snug beneath them. He didn’t respond, stopped his walking and nodded a greeting.

“I…I wanted to…” Smalljump wasn’t sure where to begin. Should he explain right out that he wanted to check up on Gorseheart because both his son and daughter had died? That seemed rude, and an unnecessarily painful thing to bring up. His shoulders slumped. Just out with it. “How are you holding up?”

Gorseheart sighed. “Word spreads quickly.” His voice was hoarse from misuse. “I’ll manage.”

Smalljump couldn’t meet the hurt shimmering all over his face, so he looked to the ground. There, he noticed dried blood on Gorseheart’s paws. “Are you okay?” he asked, pointing to them.

Gorseheart looked down too. “Huh.” He was apparently surprised to see that he was injured at all. “I guess I’ve been walking a lot lately. Getting out of the den. You’d think it would feel less stuffy now, huh?”

Smalljump frowned. “What were their names?” That detail he hadn’t heard.

Gorseheart smiled faintly, but it dropped as quickly as it had appeared. “Fressiakit was our little daughter. Jaykit was her brother. He had his first word, you know? He called me dad for the first time. Uh, ‘da.’” He let out a strangled laugh. “Hardly two moons old and he already knew that I was his father, that I was his protector.” He snorted. “Didn’t do much to protect them, did I? Still faded. Still nothing now.”

“You can’t be sure of that!”

“Can’t I?” Gorseheart bared his fangs, making Smalljump shrink into the ground. “You think they would have gone to a second afterlife? Think! They’re gone! They’re dead and gone and nothing will ever bring them back!”

The effort of the snarling had a toll on the already exhausted Gorseheart, and he collapsed to the ground with a thump. Smalljump wasn’t sure what to say, or if he should leave, so he just stood there, frozen, while his mind raced and his heart ached for the pain his friend had to endure.

He didn’t know everything about Gorseheart’s past, but he knew enough that it was horrible, something no one should ever have to endure all while his closest friends turned their backs on him when he needed them the most. Now, Gorseheart was going through a whole different kind of horrible pain, and Smalljump was not about to abandon him too.

“When did you last sleep?” Smalljump asked when he noticed Gorseheart stifle a yawn.

“Dunno.”

“I think you should now,” Smalljump suggested tentatively. It was what his mother would have told him if he were in the same–or at least similar–situation.

“I’m fine.”

“I think you’re wrong.” Smalljump lifted a paw, prepared to step back in case Gorseheart snapped again.

Instead, Gorseheart whimpered. “I can’t,” he said brokingly, then huffed a laugh. “Maybe you can tell Sparktail to set me afire. Then I’ll fade too, and can either find them or disappear and never have to feel any of this again. He shuddered. “But I can’t leave. I have to stay strong for them. Emberdawn feels just as bad as I do. The kits…Stars, they have no idea what’s going on, but they cry just the same. I can’t…I can’t handle them breaking just like me.”

Smalljump held back a gasp. “If…” He didn’t like the question, but his stomach had dropped when the sentence was said, so he had to know. “If they weren’t an issue….?”

“I’d have jumped into a Fool’s Puddle the second I lost them,” Gorseheart finished. Then, glancing at Smalljump and spotting his frown, narrowed his eyes. “Don’t feel sorry for me! I taught you to be strong. Being strong here means caring for yourself. Maybe that would have saved me all this heartache.”

Smalljump shook his head slowly. “You taught me because you cared for someone else. I….” He paused for a long time, searching for words. “I don’t know what to say other than that. I’m so sorry for your loss, Gorseheart. If….If there’s anything I can do, anything at all, let me know and I’ll do it!” He cracked a smile, hoping to lighten the mood, or make Gorseheart feel even a little bit better. “Maybe I can watch your kits for you. I can probably fend off all those teeth, right? You taught me.”

Gorseheart smiled, a brief, but certainly real moment of genuine happiness in the midst of his suffocating grief. “Thank you,” he sobbed.

Smalljump dipped his head, relieved that he had said the right thing. “What can I do now?”

Gorseheart thought for a moment, then asked, “stay with me?”

“Of course,” Smalljump replied. Settling onto the muddy ground, he laid with his side pressed to Gorseheart’s in silent comfort

==============================

hey @elementaldeityoffood check out this totally fun and not sad at all Smalljump story mentioning Sparktail!

--Maybe Small, Basil, and possibily Spark occasionally helped watch the kits when their parents needed some time alone to process everything.

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lakeinstillness · 1 year

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I think what gets me sometimes is that so many people with depression or anxiety or autism who dont have psychosis and are pretty independent love to talk over psychotic people. maybe they dont even realize it but they so often play the victim, the whole "I didnt know this was violently ableist/incredibly cruel, but I promise Im listening! for between a few days to a month before I really double down on my innocence!" schtick.

"youre being so mean, Im just having fun, why would you accuse me of this" to polite criticism, the "other people do this too, are you going to call them out or is it just me?" self victimizing, or just outright ableism too.

as always its nothing new yet theres such a lack of safety in the greater mentally ill community. the way they think that since theyre in "the club" and they reblog all the right posts about ableism that they simply cant be ableist (much can be said of this for other bigotries too).

its like... the word Im looking for is alienating. because someone can experience terrible depression and still throw us under the bus even though, Imo, horrible depression episodes can be similar to psychosis, or at least parts of it. the distorted sense of self, identity, relationships, the varying self worth and motivation, a warped perception of your home space, the suicidal urges or thoughts, on and on.

its infuriating when you try to reach out to someone in good faith and they throw it back in your face. we have more in common than we dont, often times, and by denying yourself accountability for your own biases means youre encouraging the ableist status quo.

#got mad in bed. Im really annoyed by the people out there who Ive seen or spoken to who just deny deny deny that they were ableist.#maybe they admit for a little ableism but ignore the rest. or they pin it on the people they discriminated against for 'not being clear/not #explaining'. or 'sure I was ableist but actually its not that serious why dont you chill'.#its very exhausting. I understand the people who dont step out of psychotic/psychotic-friendly spaces.#ableism #suicide #brief mention of suicide / suicidal ideation #parts of this could probably be phrased better. atm Im very tired and hurting.

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sinterblackwell · 1 year

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tal bauer sneaking up on me right at the start of 2023 and absolutely wrecking me with his new release like what the fuck

#��️#but also thank you :’)#it was…..a very emotional time if i had to keep it brief #it’s ‘the rest of the story’ btw…..i would HIGHLY recommend checking it out #get past the weird first person pov in the synopsis and just dive straight into the story it’ll destroy you but heal you all the same #content warnings for abuse & references to suicidal ideation; and also a terrible car wreck….and some bad injuries #it’s a queer hockey romance that focuses on the love & growth of a team turned family i am now attached to forever #booklr

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disabledunitypunk · 7 months

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Mod Stars here.

Hey, I know I don't usually do this, but I wanted to provide a life update, including current health status, on this blog. I'm hoping it'll remind those that have been unkind recently that we are people, and also let the many very kind and supportive people who have followed or even interacted in passing with this blog know why activity is sporadic.

CW for details about bodily functions, some of which may be gross or may trigger emeto/copro/uro-phobia, as well as mentions of medical neglect, parental abuse, and disordered eating, very brief mentions of sexual trauma and suicidal ideation (not mine)

So, first of all, currently I am watching my grandmother with dementia overnight four nights a week. I already generally have a pretty fucked sleep schedule, so I was basically the most "convenient" family member to do so. I'm glad to be able to help, but also beyond exhausted, even just on a purely physical level. Emotionally, I'm not that affected for complicated reasons (low empathy is a factor, but also specifically my relationship with my family because of my mom's abuse and their support of her). Having to be fully present and aware of myself and my surroundings for almost 50 hours a week though is taking all my energy and then some.

Because of this and medical trauma from continued medical neglect, I have been struggling to actually address my health. I mean to switch doctors again, after my doctor literally (flippantly, not sympathetically) told me "western medicine isn't really any good at helping with chronic conditions" and keeps dismissing any condition as a possibility if my symptoms would fall under even mildly atypical presentation. For example - she dismissed the possibility of pancreatitis because I'm not vomiting and "don't have severe pain" - except I do have severe, debilitating pain in exactly the area typical of pancreatitis. I just don't show it because I live my life constantly at a middling to high level of pain.

(It may not be pancreatitis! That's okay! But a refusal to do so much as an entirely risk free simple blood test or stool sample is unacceptable.)

I also have not been able to address my vitamin D and B12 deficiencies and they have fallen to severely critical levels again, along with my folate. My ferritin levels, on the other hand, are high. I've also lost nearly 35 pounds in the past eight weeks, which my doctor is convinced is due to "dietary and exercise changes". The only problem is, other than finding and cutting out one of my big allergy triggers, I haven't significantly changed my diet in well over a year!

I also am continuing to get stonewalled by incompetent and/or lazy allergists on receiving a mast cell disorder diagnosis (most likely MCAS) and getting treatment for it, as my list of safe foods gets smaller and smaller. I recently tried quercetin and DAO enzyme, which initially helped but now doesn't seem to be anymore (and I'm concerned one of the inactive ingredients in the supplements may in fact be a trigger itself). It's a very simple series of noninvasive tests and at this point I've been to both of the practices within hundreds of miles of me that take my insurance. I don't know how else to get them to listen to me. About once every two months, I end up in the ER needing prednisone, but can't even follow up with an oral course because I react to most common binding ingredients and insurance won't cover a compounding pharmacy without a mast cell disorder diagnosis. I'm hoping next time they'll be willing to prescribe intramuscular route, but I doubt it.

I have been having abdominal/back pain in conjunction with like, hazard-vest-orange diarrhea with fat or mucus discharge. My last ultrasounds not quite a year ago were clear, but idk how because they could barely get the images because the light pressure from the wand was so intensely painful.

My POTS is currently untreated as well due to lack of access to meds that I don't react to, so my tachycardia and dysautonomia are running rampant. I can no longer go further than my mailbox down the hall without a wheelchair most days.

My chronic pain (likely fibromyalgia, but also very possibly a connective tissue disorder - no hypermobility however) gets triggered whenever any other conditions flare-up. The lowest I am on the helpful pain scale charts like the one below is a 6. Average is 7-8, with frequent spikes to 9-10. I don't go to the emergency room at a 10 because they literally can't do anything for me, and sometimes make it worse. Last time I went in for anaphylaxis, for example, the folic acid in the fluids they gave me caused an obvious visible allergic reaction, which went down when they stopped the fluids and resumed when they restarted them. They just shrugged and let the fluids run their course.

[Image ID: A pain scale chart that reads as follows - 0-10 SCALE OF PAIN SEVERITY. Severity - 10 Unable to Move - I am in bed and can't move due to my pain. I need someone to take me to the emergency room to get help for my pain. 9 - Severe - My pain is all that I can think about. I can barely talk or move because of the pain. 8 - Intense - My pain is so severe that it is hard to think of anything else. Talking and listening are difficult. 7 - Unmanageable - I am in pain all the time. It keeps me from doing most activities. 6 - Distressing - I think about my pain all of the time. I give up many activities because of my pain. 5 - Distracting - I think about my pain most of the time. I cannot do some of the activities I need to do each day because of the pain. 4 - Moderate - I am constantly aware of my pain but I can continue most activities. 3 - Uncomfortable - My pain bothers me but I can ignore it most of the time. 2 - Mild - I have a low level of pain. I am aware of my pain only when I pay attention to it. 1 - Minimal - My pain is hardly noticeable. 0 - No Pain - I have no pain. /end ID]

I'm sorry if the ID is not great, btw. The only way I can do image IDs is by using google lens to copy the text and then formatting it. If anyone wants to do a better ID, we'll happily reblog it.

I will say, this isn't something new, but I also often just can't eat anymore, because I'm just too reactive and I feel worse when I eat than when I don't. I'm struggling with disordered eating urges that started back when my mom was forcing me onto fad diets, though I've mostly managed to combat them with strict rules about when I'm allowed to not eat (I have to be severely flaring and cannot fast for more than two days at a time - which, tbf, is actually effective at bringing the flare down because it allows my degranulating mast cells to be replaced.

My sleep apnea is worsened significantly every time I'm flaring and causing sleep deprivation, and I'm also struggling to keep up with both cleaning and ordering replacement parts when they are due. I also had just started actually sleeping at night thanks to a sun lamp and feeling so much better, and feel worse again now being awake nights. I also am dealing with throat irritation and severe sinus inflammation/rhinitis whenever I flare, as well as hives/eczema. The skin stuff at least is annoying at worst, but still.

I also am not certain this is related, but it seems it may be: I have frequent urinary urges, whether I have to go a little or a lot, that I can't sleep through. I used to rely on adult diapers but can't currently afford them, so I have a makeshift "chamber pot" that my partner sets up for me next to our bed every night to minimize the sleep loss from this. It's unclear if it's urinary cystitis or just a side effect of MCAS, but if it's the former, I cannot currently do the recommended physical therapy for it due to sexual trauma

That's I think a fair bit of the physical stuff, though I'm sure I'm forgetting some. I spend all the time not watching my grandma sleeping or sick in bed. I often am sick while watching her too, but since it's mostly just being there to make sure she doesn't leave the house, I'm able to just lay there on the couch or the cot they have and be sick with my duties that involve interacting with her specifically limited to necessities at the request of my grandpa.

Then of course there's the mental health stuff. I'm struggling with some depression surrounding food, but actually, my anxiety and depression are at the best they've ever been. I am however struggling a lot with processing said sexual trauma (I basically haven't been able to, especially over telehealth). For reference, it's of the type that happened at a certain age (that this site will delete blogs for talking about).

Trauma from medical abuse and neglect, besides making me struggle to actually pursue care, is also causing difficulties.

As is trauma from past abuse as well as my father's extreme dismissiveness and outright bigotry regarding both my disabilities and queerness (such lovely things as "well, if you want to rely on the government for money, it's a bit extreme to want to force them to let you get married" and "I don't see how disabled people having added vulnerability to financial abuse is any different than anyone else" and "the government will never actually restrict adults' right to transition other than by dropping insurance coverage for it, just pay for it yourself, the bill that would make it illegal for providers to prescribe HRT is as ludicrous and unlikely to pass as the bill introduced to bomb Mexico". For reference, he is a first generation Mexican immigrant, so that's not also a racist white guy statement).

My parents are also anti-vaxx yet somehow not covid deniers??? But they've bought into a lot of bullshit "medicine" that they keep trying to convince me to try. I use my MCAS as an almost convenient excuse as to why I can't take any of their bullshit "remedies".

I have to keep reminding myself to not let myself care for them and that I excised all feelings for them for a reason, for my own emotional safety.

Poverty as well is causing it's own trauma, which I won't get into, other than to say that food insecurity is terrible and our landlords are fucking evil slumlords.

And of course there's online trauma from past experiences with dogpiling and harassment which has been triggered recently. I am incredibly grateful to Mod Cloud for fielding the recent situation for us.

As for other mental health diagnoses: the cluster B diagnoses I'm actually managing fairly well right now. The DID I am struggling a LOT with. Communication is at an all time low since realizing our plurality and amnesia and dissociation are pretty close to an all-time high. Some of the dissociation is lower during our shifts with my grandma - I'm more present in the body and more aware of it and our surroundings - but dissociation between headmates is bad, and I am much MORE dissociated on my days off now.

OCD is doing okay. I struggle a bit with guilt over the feelings I have about my grandparents, but quite honestly I feel less bad about feeling that I wish they would pass sooner rather than later when I know it would be a mercy and a kindness to both of them at this point.

ADHD is awful. My executive dysfunction is utterly unmanageable without meds, which I both react to and which worsen my tachycardia, even when on a beta blocker but especially when not. I am more functionally disabled by this than quite literally any other of my disabilities, except perhaps my negative schizophrenia symptoms. I'm managing my psychosis well for that, btw, and the psychosis has always been the easiest part anyway.

My brain fog is awful, my cognitive functioning feels like it's at zero most of the time, and I literally can't even address most of this because the physical symptoms are so much more demanding and immediate, if that makes any sense. But I can't address the physical symptoms primarily due to trauma and executive dysfunction, so it's a vicious cycle. I need a carer myself, and can't get one right now.

I also am extremely scared that something will happen to me - not so much for my sake, because while I desperately WANT to live, I am not afraid of death - but for my partner's. We need to make an updated safety plan for her because she and I are both worried about if she could even survive if I died. Both on a physical level if she doesn't have SSI yet, because she at this point CAN'T work, and on an emotional one, because we know she'd be very suicidal at that point. But also, even if she'd be okay, having to live up to 50 years without your person, with all the color taken out of life... the thought is utterly horrifying to me, as someone who is stable enough to probably survive it. I don't want her to have to go through that.

So I'm pushing myself through the triggers and outsourcing my executive functioning as much as possible to make sure I can stay here for her.

I am incredibly exhausted. I haven't even talked about how any other headmates feel because I have so little communication right now - in part because many headmates are unable to even come near front if the body is in a significant amount of pain or otherwise sick.

Just typing this right now, my lungs are on fire and I have a rattling cough (non-pathogenic, this is a common allergy/asthma symptom), my skin is hypersensitive and hurts to touch, my entire body from my head to my toes is at what for me is a low level of background burning pain, my back and abdomen hurt especially, I can't maintain my temperature at all, I can't sleep despite this being around when I'd normally sleep since my schedule got thrown off, my bladder is lightly aching, and I haven't eaten because I'm not feeling well enough to make anything and my partner is sleeping and I also can't handle any GI triggers at ALL right now. I'm also itchy, my sinuses are moderately inflamed, and I have neck edema.

Oh, and our water is coming out of our tap brown due to a temporary shut off that either hasn't been flushed or has not yet actually been turned back on, that none of the affected residential buildings in the area were informed of beforehand. I'm badly dehydrated and have no access to water.

At this point, this is just our life right now. There's not much that can be done. I'm not going to say no to helping with my grandparents - both because actually very much still care about them and because, selfishly, it sets me up to possibly eventually be able to move into their house and potentially stay there permanently. That would give us a level of stability that would do wonders for our general health and quality of life.

It's not all bad - my dad will be providing a car for me to facilitate my night shifts, that I'll be able to use outside of that context (I mean, I'll have to be judicious, since I struggle badly with ADHD and dissociation affecting my ability to drive, but I've been talking with my therapist to find effective coping mechanisms and don't really intend to use it beyond short grocery and doctor trips. I will also set aside what money I can to Uber instead if I really can't drive safely. Public transportation is not an option in my area for this.)

Also, since getting the POTS diagnosis, I've been so much calmer, because I no longer associate the tachycardia and dysautonomia with "anxiety". When my heart is racing or I'm suddenly flushed and overheated and short of breath, etc, I'm just like "ope POTS lol". Sometimes I wonder if I ever had anxiety or was just gaslit into thinking I did - at least since getting out of high school, since the diagnosis probably did actually apply then. (Though, tbf, high school -_-).

Anyway, I don't fully even understand why I want to say all this, other than to show you what I'm struggling with and remind you that I'm a real disabled system behind the blog profile pic, as is Mod Cloud. I hope that even if you disagree with me or Mod Cloud on subjects of ableism, you can treat us with basic decency and respect (in the sense of treating us as people, not as an authority).

I'll take this time to once again state we are all strongly anti-harassment, as well. I'm not just referring to some of the ableist harassment recently sent to our ask box, but also to remind any followers or supporters of ours that harassing even people who are extremely cruel or bigoted to us, let alone who just disagrees with us, is unacceptable behavior. It will merit a block to anyone we find doing so, and we strongly encourage any affected blogs to report it as well (Tumblr, fucking let us report harassment when not the affected party like every other site on the internet. Twitter is literally better than you in that regard, come the fuck on.)

Also, if you disagree with us and are harassing others who agree with you to make us look bad, really? You're not even just not a good person, you're an ableist bully who was looking for any excuse to harass multiple disabled people on opposite sides of an argument. An ask sent about harassment they wrongfully assumed we condoned or had anything to do with literally said "this is the opposite of unity" and they were right on that count, at least. Go suck fed dick somewhere else.

Anyway, we don't necessarily need advice or even for anyone to express sympathy, right now. We just needed to get off our chest all that we're dealing with, like we said, in part to remind people that we are people and in part to let people know why we are only sporadically active.

Thank you for your patience, and no matter what your feelings on discourse, for those who have been good to us. Even if you disagreed so strongly with us that you had to immediately block us and rant on your blogs about us, you did us the kindness of walking away and not lashing out at us, and we really do appreciate it.

And to all those that see this: May your good days be many and your bad days be mild.

#unitypunk #mod stars #ableism #possible emetophobia + coprophobia + urophobia triggers #brief mentions of SA and abuse and medical neglect and suicidal ideation #mentions of parental abuse and disordered eating #cluster B #ADHD #DID #anxiety #depression #OCD #schizophrenia #POTS #MCAS #chronic pain #dementia #chronic illness #disability

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