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h0rnyauth0r · 1 year

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könig saves you during your first mission working with his team, and you develop a huge crush on him! he likes you too, so you decide to fuck <3 (also i included the name of one character from the game, she's really pretty so i wanted to include her on the side lol)

I NEVER REALIZED THAT I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM UNTIL NOW AND IT'S BAD.

dni if young pls! <3

word count: 4.3k (i literally want to fuck him so bad. if he and ghost would tag team me i would literally die happy. i'd sell my soul and crawl to the ends of the earth for them to just demolish me. thank you.)

tws: reader with vagina, unprotected sex, pussy eating, fingering, rough sex, choking, cumming inside, idk what else honestly.

you can feel the anxiety coursing through your veins as you step onto the platform, fully dressed and prepared for the plane ride to your mission. you’re new to the kortac team, having worked with calisto a few times but having no other experience with the group.

you know nothing other than everyone’s names, but they seem welcoming enough. that’s the least of your worries, you just don’t want to fuck up and ruin the mission for everyone else.

it’s not long before you’re seated on the plane, strapped in as you prepare for the ride. your orders are to eliminate a terrorist group that has stationed themselves in a rural town. they murdered most of the townsfolk and are planning an attack on the united states.

you’ve been ordered to remain stealthy with these targets, as there are more of them than there are of your group. it would be far too easy to end up dead if not careful, so you’re going to be as slow and quiet as possible.

the base you were stationed at wasn’t too far from the area you’ll be landing at, just an hour long flight. you will be walking and infiltrating from there, hopefully not raising any attention when the plane drops you off.

you’ve tried ignoring your only distraction among these plans, which just so happens to be one of your team members. the large man never spoke to you, but calisto said he suffers from social anxiety so he’s likely going to remain silent around you.

as much as it sucks, you can’t help but find him so intriguing. he’s attractive, even with his face hidden. seeing nothing but his dark eyes staring at you when you first showed up caused a heat to rise in your pants that you’d rather not admit exists.

and so you decided to avoid him, not wanting to do anything that may make him uncomfortable. feeling attracted to him makes you feel guilty, so the mission will be your top priority now.

you decide to occupy yourself by sorting through your pouches, noting that every item you need is there. you nearly forgot your throwing knives back at the base, but luckily you managed to grab them as you were heading out.

everything seems satisfactory as you close up your final pouch resting on your thigh. you can feel someone staring at you, so you look up and notice könig’s eyes on your body.

your eyes meet with his and he looks away, turning his head to the right. your face feels hot as you look down and decide to fiddle around with the straps on your pants.

you feel like a teenager again, taking deep breaths to calm down as you notice the feeling of the plane descending to the ground. as it does so, you finally unstrap your body from the seating and meet up at the front of the plane.

the group is there, listening to the captain remind everyone of the task at hand and what should be done for now. after you’re done here, the government will do cleanup for you.

your head is finally clear as you grab onto one of the guns at the base of the plane and quickly exit, separating from the large group and breaking off into smaller sections.

the set of buildings is about a 10 minute walk, and you jog forward towards the terrorist area. it’s night, but the place is well-lit. it will be difficult to maintain stealth, but taking out the guards will make it easier.

you opt to do that once you approach, noticing your team take the furthest ones out as you sneak further in and use your knives on the majority of them.

the mission continues rather smoothly as you approach the building you have been assigned to, climbing through one of the windows and stabbing one of the people hidden inside.

you notice there’s a lot of different forms of terroristic propaganda in the room, flags and flyers amongst others. you decide to look around for anything of value to mention to your captain but find nothing, heading out and into one of the many halls.

as you walk down the hall, you can hear talking. panic rises in your chest as you notice several men racing towards you, freezing in place as you try to find anywhere to go.

it’s difficult to see, but a hand grasps onto your wrist and slams you into a gap in the walls. you look up with a panic, calming down once you notice könig looking down at you with a finger pressed against where his mouth likely is.

“quiet.” he whispers, body pressing against you and causing your face to heat up with embarrassment. your head is against his chest as the people walk by, somehow not noticing your bodies pressed together in the small space.

when they pass by, the two of you both throw knives at the same time. two of the men drop, but the others notice and turn towards you. that’s when you decide to go for it and quickly shoot them with your pistol, running down the hallway as other gunshots begin raining out.

the others have begun shooting, meaning that now is the time to quickly take these people out before they call more to the area. you pick up a radio from one of the many bodies left out, listening in for information but not understanding the language being spoken.

you decide to carry on with könig for now, sweeping different rooms and eventually making your way to a different floor. after a lot of work and almost running out of ammo a few times, your radio sounds.

“all clear. head out of the buildings and we can have a meeting once we get back to base.” your captain says, and you send an acknowledgement forward.

you notice that könig hasn’t spoken to you as you both walk out of the building with the others, but you decide to speak up. “thank you. i probably would’ve died if you weren’t there.” your voice is shaky as you talk, feeling a little worried about making him uncomfortable.

he nods his head. “you are welcome.”

your interactions are very rare for a while after that, but he eventually warms up to you more. sometimes you will sit together for meals, and sometimes partner up during missions.

in the back of your mind, that lust for him never quite goes away. it hits you hard when you have a wet dream while staying on a foreign base, hours before an important mission.

your panties soaked through, thighs trembling, and clit unbearably hard. your dream consisted of him fucking you hard on a table in front of everyone, which felt so humiliating but so exhilarating at the same time.

you felt too embarrassed to look at him for a few days, trying so hard to avoid another dream like that. thankfully you don’t, and after a month you manage to move on and continue like before.

the feelings for him never fade, though. you notice it one day during a mission when he gently puts a hand on your back to lead you through a building, butterflies building up in your stomach just from his touch.

it happens a few times here and there, often during missions you notice. he’ll just barely touch you for a moment, and let go seconds later. it flusters you every single time, and makes it very difficult to focus at times.

today is no different, the two of you working together to stop a group of russians from going through with an attack. after the mission has ended, you’re both scaling the building to make sure that there aren’t any escapees or survivors.

after it’s been settled, he gently pulls on your arm while you head out. your eyes look down at where his large hand is and you find your face heating up again. you almost feel like a teenager again with how flustered you become, but you just continue about.

you’ll be staying in a small house with the others, designed to be a place to reconvene and discuss the details of what had gone on. thankfully, you don’t have to share a room tonight.

part of you wants to though, specifically with the austrian man who constantly takes over your thoughts. you shake that thought out of your head as you continue walking into the house, finding the room you were assigned to and deciding to finally change into regular clothing.

after changing, you finally go into the living room area and see others gathered together. you notice how könig has decided to keep his face cover on, which disappoints you mildly but you understand that he probably has his reasons.

you take a seat on a small couch by yourself, noticing the way he decides to take a look at you before slyly meandering his way over to you and sitting beside you. you try your best to not get flustered and listen in on what the others are saying about your assignment.

it’s not long before you zone out, bored of this already. your eyes just barely glance over to könig and you notice the way his large legs are spread out, an elbow placed against his knee as he boredly leans forward with his eyes lidded shut.

he looks so fucking hot right now and you don’t understand why. he’s doing something so simple, but yet it sends shivers down your spine and you can’t find the courage to take your eyes off of him.

you do, though, once his eyes flutter over to yours. you become flustered instantly, deciding to quickly lean away and focus on the window beside you. you nearly jump out of your skin when one of his hands just barely touches your thigh.

you swallow hard, glancing down and seeing the way his hand squeezes on your tight pants. it’s such a small act, but you want to take him into your room and make him fuck you until there’s nothing left in your head other than the thought of his cock.

now you’re trying especially hard to pay attention, wanting nothing more than to make your intentions obvious. just his hand touching your thigh makes you this stupid, you need to pay attention more before something bad may happen.

after a few more minutes of talking, you notice that everyone decides that you can continue discussing in the morning as it’s gotten rather late. calisto mentions that relaxation would be better than working right now, and you can’t help but agree with her words.

however, relaxing is the least of what you want right now. the only thing you want is sitting beside you, watching your every breath and movement. you’re trying your best to play it cool, but you can tell that you’re bad at it.

his hand suddenly leaves you and you’re looking to your left where he’s sat, noticing the way he stands up and stretches the slightest amount. you’re biting down harshly on your bottom lip as your eyes land between his legs. how did you not notice the absolutely massive bulge in his pants before?

you inhale sharply, trying so hard to just push the thoughts of him away. but he makes it rather difficult when he reaches a hand out, and you take it.

“would you like to come with me?” he asks you.

yes, you’re thinking, in more ways than one.

you nod your head thoughtlessly, feeling the small tug as he begins walking you away from your team and down the hallway. your legs already feel like jelly, anticipation bubbling up and causing your breathing to pick up slightly.

you don’t know what’s going to happen, maybe it’s nothing. but you feel your skin become hotter as he leads you to your room, almost sweating as you notice the way he closes and even locks the door.

the way you’re standing there blankly is embarrassing for you, not knowing what to do. your thighs are pressed together tightly, your eyes on his body as he walks up to you. one of his hands reaches out and touches your face, and you can barely breathe as his fingers brush over your lips.

you look into his eyes in that moment, noticing the want that shows in his too. you find yourself reaching out and touching the hood covering his face, beginning to pull it up slowly. his body goes stiff for a moment, before he relaxes and nods at you to continue.

you almost hesitate, but pull it off. you gulp when you notice his features, and just how good looking he really is. his lips look so kissable, a nice jawline, and you can’t help but fall further into the depths of wanting him.

you can feel your body shaking as you look into his eyes, feeling one of his hands reach out and touch your waist. you’re not sure what to do or even say as you look at one another, before he looks away and speaks up softly.

“can i kiss you?”

you use your hand to turn his face toward yours as you nod, leaning closer to his body as your lips finally meet. his lips are so very soft and for a small kiss, it has you dizzy with pleasure and you can feel your clit throbbing in your pants.

when your lips pull away, he’s grabbing onto you and leading you to the bed that’s next to you, pushing your body down onto the bed as he leans over you. his hands are on either side of your head, strong thigh pressed in between your legs and pushing into your core.

he leans down to you and your lips are connected again, this time in a much more heated manner. you groan out against his lips, tongues intertwining as he moves feverishly against you. when his thigh pushes against you again, you squeak into his mouth and your toes curl in the slightest.

you end up unconsciously grinding your hips into his thigh as you kiss, breathing heavily into his mouth before his lips move down to your neck and he bites down hard. the action has you gasping out loudly, quickly covering your mouth with a hand as he looks to you.

“no, don’t do that. i want to hear every little noise you make for me.”

his voice is much deeper than normal, sending shivers down your spine as you move your hand away from your mouth. he begins sucking on your neck, certainly leaving marks that you’ll have to worry about in the morning but you couldn’t care less in the moment.

the way he moves along your throat sends your head back into the pillow, hands fisting the sheets as your eyes shut tightly. you feel his hands touch your tits, squeezing and feeling you up. the feeling sends shocks to your core, biting down on your lip harshly.

he pulls back and begins tugging on your shirt, and you open your eyes and lift your back up so he can take your shirt off. he looks down to your bra and back up to you, quickly unclasping it and tossing it to the side along with your shirt.

as he looks at your body, a hand reaches out and plays with your nipples. you moan quietly, biting down on your lip as you look at him. “schön.” he mutters under his breath, fingers pinching gently before he eventually starts fiddling with the waistband of your pants.

you gaze up at him, “can you take that off?” your voice is quiet as you point to his shirt, and he nods the smallest amount as he does so. your eyes immediately look over his chest, almost bulging out of your head as you admire him.

you knew he’d be muscular, but he’s so much hotter than you ever thought he’d be. with his broad shoulders and all, the sight of his abs and just how toned he is makes you almost drool.

you’re certain that you’re in love with him now.

“you’re hot.” you say, eyes looking back up at his to see him sheepishly smile for a moment. seeing him after so long makes you want him so much more, and you’re not sure how you’ve held back for as long as you have.

he grasps onto your hips for a moment, squeezing harshly as he looks over your naked top half. he decides to tug your pants down and off of your body, leaning you in nothing but your panties now. you feel embarrassed when you look down and see that there’s a very prominent wet patch.

but when his eyes look down and see it, he just brings a finger down and brushes it against you. “you’re so wet for me.” his finger reaches into your panties and pulls them aside, gently rubbing against your clit and making you bite down harshly on your bottom lip.

he moves his body down towards your crotch, finally pulling your panties off of your body as his head dips down and he begins kissing your thighs. you can feel yourself becoming more wet, dripping even, as his lips make their way to your folds.

the way his tongue teases you for a moment makes you anticipate him devouring your pussy more, and when his tongue swipes against your clit you’re crying out desperately.

his lips and tongue move against your clit as a finger pushes against your hole and quickly thrusts into you. as his fingers pick up momentum, his tongue does too, and soon enough your hands are tangled in his hair.

you tug against him, hips grinding against his face for more than he can give. he adds a second finger, thrusting harder and making you moan more and more. you’re ashamed to admit how close you are already, but you whimper out the word ‘close’ and he acknowledges it by moving faster.

the sounds echoing in the room are your moans and the lewd squelching of your pussy, and you’re hoping that nobody can hear the noises through the door or the walls. his fingers amplify the noise as they thrust harder and begin curling up into you.

the feeling of his tongue circling your clit sends you closer to the edge, moans becoming more breathy and toes curling hard- before he pulls back completely.

your eyebrows furrow as you look at him, whining in frustration. “w-why?” your clit almost hurts now, pussy feeling empty and abandoned as your whole orgasm is ruined and taken from you in such a cruel manner. but he just stares down at you smugly, climbing off of the bed to remove his pants and eventually his underwear too.

“i think i’d rather you cum on my cock.” his words make your whole body heat up, noticing the way his cock springs up when he pulls his underwear down. even his cock is hot to you, long and thick and leaking a small amount at the tip.

you bite down on your lip as you stare, wanting so badly to shove his entire cock down your throat until you’re crying and filled with his cum. but you look away, back up to him and notice the way he’s eyeballing your body as well.

he approaches you again, pushing your body down harshly and pulling your thighs to the edge of the bed. he tugs your legs open and his hand reaches for his cock and starts rubbing it against your clit and your soaking folds, sliding up and down before finally pushing the tip in.

your eyes roll back from the feeling, fingernails digging into his wrist that’s been placed beside your body on the bed. he’s barely pushed into you, but you’re already so full and so overwhelmed.

he pushes in slowly, the stretch making you arch your back against him and cry out. as each inch enters you further, you can eventually feel him begin pushing up against your cervix and you notice the way that tears begin to blur your vision.

it hurts how much he’s stretching you, but at the same time your cunt has turned into a complete waterfall with the way his cock hits every single sweet spot inside of you. you feel so full, but somehow even fuller when he bottoms out.

“so tight…” he says quietly, hands grabbing onto your hips as he slowly pulls out and pushes in. you’re crying now, moaning out his name from just the smallest of thrusts. his cock is massive, almost making you cum just from how big he is.

your eyes are clenched shut as he moves slowly, but hard. “please.” you say lowly. you want so much more, you want him to hurt you. all you want is for him to fuck you until you pass out right now, and he’s being far too gentle for you.

“please what?”

you swallow down the embarrassment now. “fuck me. please. hard, fast, i don’t care anymore.” you moan out, tears still streaming down your face as you feel his hips pull back and start moving more harsh against you.

as his hips pick up a more rough, fast pace, your moans are loud. they almost overtake the sound of his hips slamming into you, wet slapping sounds bouncing off of the walls and now absolutely likely to be heard from anyone who walks by.

even the bed starts creaking, his fingernails breaking the flesh of your hips as he thrusts into you. you’re looking at his face, noticing the way his jaw is clenched and sweat is gathering at his forehead. his chest is rising and falling quickly, fucking into you harder and harder.

it feels so good and you can just barely breathe, wanting him to completely ruin you. one of his hands moves up to your tits, squeezing hard as he leans down and sucks on them. he’s leaving dark purple marks on your skin, hips picking up a harder pace as your nails begin scratching against his back.

he leans up more, lips against yours now as he thrusts into you. he’s letting out small groans here and there, and the way he sounds makes you feel like you’re going to explode.

his teeth pull against your bottom lip, sucking in your lip roughly and drawing blood. the feeling makes you cry out against him, nails digging into his skin deeper as he thrusts into you harder.

as your tongues brush together, you feel his hand grasp onto your throat and push down the slightest amount. you feel yourself become dizzy with pleasure, your orgasm approaching at a fast pace with the feeling of his cock fucking into you harder.

“go on, cum on my cock.” his words are what take you off the edge.

your back arches once it finally hits, crying out against his mouth as your cunt clenches against his cock and gushes out more of your juices than before. your fingers cling onto his back as you come down from your high, his thrusts elongating the feeling of your orgasm.

you’re saying his name in a whimper as his grip on your throat tightens, your whole body shaking as tears flow from the overstimulation. his thrusts begin to get more frantic now, his own orgasm finally approaching after so long.

“gonna cum in you.” he says, voice rough with pleasure as you nod your head along with his words. you can barely see or even think straight, but his cum filling you up is something you crave now.

“please, fill me up.” you moan, gasping out in pleasure as his cock twitches and finally fills your cunt up to the rim. his cum is warm as he keeps thrusting, cum starting to leak out of you and make squelching noises from the force of his moving.

he lets out the prettiest moan afterwards, eyes clenched shut as he slowly comes to a stop with his dick sitting inside of you. you try to catch your breath once his hand is removed from your throat, eyes looking up at him with so much adoration.

you wipe away your tears, feeling his cock finally slide out of you and the sound of some of your combined juices dripping onto the floor beneath you. you look at his cock and see that it’s still large even when not erect, and you fall back onto the bed from how tired you are.

“you have no idea how long i’ve wanted that.” you say to him, eyes closing as you move your body so you’re laying down on the bed with your head on the pillow.

“i’ve seen how you look at me. you’re very obvious with your feelings.” he says, and you hear him shuffling around before feeling something press against your pussy, noticing that he’s helping clean his cum up that’s leaking out.

you look down at him and grin. “really? i had no idea.”

he shakes his head, throwing the item he used to help clean you up into a nearby bin. he notices that you’ve kept yourself naked, shrugging and deciding to join you in the bed. as he lays down beside you, he pulls your body close to his and you rest your head against his chest.

you look up at him, “i quite like you. this isn’t something i only wanted as a one time thing. i’d like to be with you again, in so many different ways.”

he presses a finger to your lips, eyes shutting. “while i feel the same, i would prefer it if we both got some rest. i can guarantee that we will hear an earful in the morning.”

you feel your face turn hot in embarrassment as you nod, eyes shutting as you lean against him and decide to calm down. you feel like a puddle, and you’re really hoping that when morning comes there won’t be too much trouble.

taglist: @kovieky

(feel free to dm or send an ask to be on the taglist! i'll add anyone who wants to be added :))

#konig x reader #konig #cod smut #konig smut #call of duty smut #call of duty #cod #x reader #female reader #smut

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chelseachilly · 23 days

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my priority

pairing: ben chilwell x reader warnings: none, just sickening fluff and reader taking care of ben while he's ill 🥹❤️‍🩹 word count: 1.6k

a/n: just a bit of fluff i wrote earlier this week when it was gross and rainy out here and i saw ben was out with a cold, wasn't gonna post it as i'm not sure i like it but felt like we could all use some cheering up after today's game 😔 hope ben is feeling better and back for everton!!

It’s a gloomy, dreary day - not uncommon for this time of year in London, but still doing little to lift your spirits as you get through the workday.

It’s bad enough that you have to get through a day of back-to-back meetings with hardly a moment to catch your breath, but you’re also counting down the seconds until you can leave and get home to your sick boyfriend.

It absolutely broke your heart leaving Ben this morning, on his third day of a terrible cold that’s completely taken him out of action. You made sure he took some medicine and had a bit to eat before you left, but you would’ve given anything to stay by his side. You managed to work from home and take care of him the past two days, but you knew that today it would be impossible with the in-person meetings you had to attend.

Although there’s still work to be done, you pack up your things and leave the moment the meetings are over, resigning yourself to the fact that you’ll have to do some more work tonight.

Aside from a quick stop to pick up Ben’s favourite chicken soup and some more cold medicine, you head straight home. You’re dripping with rain from the brief walk from the car to the front door, and you quickly take off your shoes and coat before heading into the kitchen to drop the supplies you picked up.

Before you go upstairs to get changed, you follow the sound of the TV quietly playing and poke your head in the living room. You breathe a small sigh of relief when you see Ben laying on the couch, his soft snores drowned out by the post-match commentary of the football game he fell asleep watching.

It takes everything in you to tear yourself away and go get out of your wet clothes, knowing it won’t do either of you any good if you join him on the couch in this state. You quickly run upstairs and take off all of your clothing, tossing it into the laundry bin before changing into some comfy pyjama pants and one of Ben’s softest t-shirts.

When you’re done, you make your way back down to the TV room and crouch in front of your sleeping boyfriend. He looks so peaceful that you almost don’t want to wake him, but you know he’s probably overdue to take some more medicine.

You gently card your fingers through his hair to wake him, smiling as his eyes flutter open and you’re greeted with the beautiful blue eyes that first captured your heart years ago. From the moment you met his piercing gaze, you knew you were in trouble, and the charming smile that followed sealed your fate.

Ben mumbles your name as he slowly rouses from his sleep, blinking as he takes in his surroundings.

“Hi, baby,” you say softly, continuing to stroke his hair the way he likes as he shuts his eyes in contentment. “How are you feeling? Any better than this morning?”

“Maybe a little better,” he says, his voice a bit hoarse. “I slept most of the day.”

“That’s good,” you murmur, cupping his face and brushing your thumb over the stubble that has appeared after a few days without him shaving. “Did you manage to eat anything else?”

“Mhm, I finished up the last of that chicken soup.”

“Good boy,” you smile, glad that he’s taken care of himself in your absence. “I got some more on my way home. Want me to go heat it up for you? You need to take more meds too.”

Ben nods, smiling sleepily as he leans into your hand and nuzzles his cheek against your palm.

“You’re the best,” he says. “After I eat can we cuddle and watch something together?”

Although you really should get some more work done tonight, you’re completely powerless against him when he’s so adorable and feeling so poorly.

“Of course, my love,” you say, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead before reluctantly pulling away from him so you can go prepare dinner. “I’ll be right back.”

Ben groans slightly at the loss of contact, and your heart aches even though you’re just going to the next room and you’ll be back within minutes.

He’s been particularly clingy since he got back from the England camp. He was all over you from the moment he got home, demanding lots kisses to make up for all the days you were apart - which you were more than happy to give. He continued to be a bit more cuddly than normal over the first few days he was home, mostly because his knee was hurting after the knock he picked up against Belgium and he was obviously worried that it might be something serious.

As always, you sprung into nurse duty and made sure he got plenty of rest, and plenty of “healing cuddles” as he once called them in a drug-induced state after his knee surgery a couple years ago. You never let him live that name down, but you’ve also never failed to provide them when he’s injured or sick.

Now that he’s ill, the clinginess has been dialled up to a ten, which made it even more difficult to leave him alone all day.

You quickly heat up the soup for both of you and grab some fruit and other snacks for yourself, and for Ben if he’s feeling up to something else. You load everything onto a tray and bring it out to the living room, setting it down on the coffee table.

Ben forces himself into a seated position to eat, and you gently rub his upper back as he starts coughing. Once he’s recovered from the sudden coughing fit, you carefully help situate him with the warm bowl of soup atop a pillow on his lap. You also pass him a pill and a glass of water to wash it down.

“Thanks, babe,” Ben says with a small smile.

You both finish your dinner fairly quickly, and you’re glad that his appetite seems to be slowly returning. After you clean up the dishes, you return to the couch and settle into Ben’s side with well-practiced ease.

No matter how much stress you’re under at work or how many worries are plaguing your mind, there’s truly nothing that quiets the world like curling up in the arms of your boyfriend.

Tonight, when Ben is feeling so rotten and in need of comfort, he isn’t content with your usual cuddle position while watching TV, he wants to be as close to you as physically possible.

He gently nudges you so you lay down fully on your back. Knowing what he wants without any explanation, you open your arms so he can crawl into your embrace. He rests his head on your chest, his arm snaking around your waist and your legs tangling together.

He breathes out a sigh of contentment as you begin to stroke his hair again, lightly scratching his scalp with your fingers the way he likes. You’re grateful that he gave up on insisting you stay away to avoid getting sick within the first day of his illness, as you would hate to be sleeping in a separate room or sitting on opposite ends of the couch when he needs you the most. It seems to have been worth the risk, as you’re sure you would be showing some symptoms by now if you were going to catch it.

“Missed you today,” Ben murmurs, slipping his hand under your shirt to feel the soft skin of your lower back in the most innocent way possible, just wanting to feel you.

“I missed you too,” you say with a kiss to his forehead. “I’m sorry I had to go in today.”

“It’s okay, baby, not your fault that you’re so important and the company wouldn’t last a day without you,” he says, making you roll your eyes affectionately.

He’s always singing your praises, talking about how smart and successful you are to anyone who will listen. Your work isn’t nearly as exciting as his, but for every time you brag to your friends and family about a goal he scored or an international call-up, he’s just as quick to tell them about your latest promotion or a conference you spoke at.

“You’re my priority, though,” you remind him. “And I’m working from home for the rest of the week. My boss already approved it.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Ben says, though he kisses your neck in gratitude.

“I want to, I hated leaving you today,” you say, continuing to press kisses to his hair and any part of his face you can reach. “I’ll be here until you’re all better.”

Ben smiles against your skin. “I love you so much.”

“I love you so much too, Benji,” you say, squeezing him close to you.

You put on an episode of an old sitcom you both love and have seen a hundred times, knowing Ben will fall asleep shortly after the medication you gave him.

It’s not long before you can feel his breaths even out and you glance down to see your boyfriend fast asleep on top of you. You know that you should try to extricate yourself from his embrace and go do a bit of work, but the way he whines slightly and holds you tighter in his sleep when you try to do so makes you change your mind.

Your inbox can wait until the morning - for now, you just settle further into the couch and focus on the show you’re watching and the feeling of holding Ben in your arms. There’s nothing more important than this.

a/n: i hope you enjoyed, please leave a comment and let me know what you thought 🥰

#ben chilwell x reader #ben chilwell #ben chilwell imagine #ben chilwell x y/n #chelsea fc imagine #my fics

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powdermelonkeg · 8 months

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Something websites (*cough* Tumblr *cough*) need to learn is that what retains an audience isn't an abundance of new bells and whistles to play with, it's a coherent experience overall.

When someone joins a website, you don't need to grab their attention and hold it. They're already testing the waters. They've agreed to sign up. You've won on that front, and they're there for something specific you already have that they're hoping works well.

What drives them away is frustration.

Frustration, frustration, frustration.

Learning curves are going to be a part of any new website experience; they're something the user comes to terms with, in their own time. But broken or bad features are going to make them jump sites.

On top of that, constantly adding new features makes them feel like all the hard work they've put in to learning what you have isn't worth it; your website looks unstable and your staff looks incompetent, because it gives the impression that you don't know what you're doing.

You are floundering. It makes your new users nervous. It makes your old users hesitate to bring anyone else on board. And why should they? Why should they put effort into it if you're going to throw that effort away next Tuesday? Why get used to a UI that you're not going to bother to keep? Why customize anything if you're going to whittle that customization away?

Between that and the broken, unattended features of this site—the tag organization failing, the inability to look up posts word-for-word, the video player either refusing to play or yanking you to the top of the dashboard, images taking forever to load, advertisements blaring at full volume when you scroll past, you have your problem.

You have the reason why your numbers are failing.

It's not that you're not interesting enough.

It's not that you're too difficult to understand.

It's that you aren't improving what you have, yet you keep adding more half-broken things and unwanted copycat features to the pile.

It's that you're losing your identity in pursuit of a hypothetical perfect customer.

It's that you are actively telling your user base that you prefer those hypothetical customers over them. And your user base, your real people who make you happen, are smart enough to know where your priorities lie.

The bulk of this post talks about Tumblr, but other sites have gone the same way. Twitter is dead and its corpse is decaying in the street. Reddit has sabotaged any trust its users had in its management. If you'd like a really old example—I used to use Fanfiction Net. It's not the most intuitive website in the world, but it was the first one I called home.

I used it to host my works. The adware now on it makes it a hassle to navigate. The bots make comment sections and private messages a dread rather than a joy. So I moved on.

I also used to use it to collaborate on stories with my now-roommate. The message limit was 300 a day. When you're writing dialogue between characters, that's nothing.

So I moved on. We started messaging on Facebook. It was better, it didn't have a limit. But then I learned Discord existed, and I could edit messages, make dedicated channels, etc. So I moved on from Facebook to Discord. And Discord had a steep learning curve, especially if you're trying to make your own server rather than contribute to one. But, most importantly, the payoff was worth it.

If Discord changed its layout every other month while I was learning it, and broke how its reactions worked, and kept shifting what it meant to create a channel? If it opted me into servers I didn't sign up for, in hopes of engagement? If its text never formatted correctly, or its search function only went back a day or two?

I would have gone right back to Facebook. Even if it's a more basic experience, basic is always preferable to unstable.

Figure out what you want, websites.

Slow growth, or a gamble?

You're paying for your magic slot machine in users.

#negative salt #long post #this has been on my mind a lot lately

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studentbyday · 3 months

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30 days of intentionality

starting this challenge with the goal of taking it one day at a time. i have a hard time doing that these days. i spend more time ruminating on the past or worrying about the future than staying in the present, even if that's when i'm most content. not sure how i'll format my posts and most likely, i'll only do weekly updates bc daily ones are too overwhelming. i'll just go with the flow, trying to trust that everything will end up as it's meant to be and maybe i'll be more productive as focusing primarily on the present moment becomes a habit.

---

1. suo gân (arr. john williams for the ambrosian junior choir): i believe that if everyone lived by the idea of global citizenship and so saw the humanity in every individual from every background, there would be no war. reading the news fills me with fear, sorrow, and anxiety, but i also feel the responsibility to stay informed. did some studying today, more than yesterday, but it was kind of uncomfortable with the state of global politics lurking in the back of my mind. i'm still a little behind on school.

2. souvenir de paganini (chopin): today is not so bad. i'm making progress academically, but i do need to make time for social activities soon or i will get lonely and lose what little motivation i have very quickly.

3. once upon a december (arr. emile pandolfi): sometimes in the face of events and issues much bigger than myself that i have no control over, i feel like my dreams are pointless bc i think there's no way achieving them or trying to achieve them could possibly empower me to make real and important change that can truly benefit many. who knows if the future would even allow me to get that far. there are many things that could change the course of our lives that we don't have control over. but if others in worse situations than me and others much better informed than me can still have hope, then so can i. i didn't do much other than pharmacology and a little bit of philosophy today. i made more progress in pharmacology than expected, but that's only bc i didn't do any psych work. i also earned a few more mastery points on khan academy's integrated math 1 (not a priority, i know, but i wanted an easy win) and started lab tasks. i'm far from done with that, i need to do a little every day... i don't want to let them down! 🥺 (note to self: lying in bed is maybe NOT a good study break activity bc that just makes me not wanna do anything else after that and it's very very very hard to get out of that procrastination rut once i let myself fall into it.) 4. let's stay together (al green): everything should be going well, except i'm easily overwhelmed, and this time, it wasn't in an openly frazzled way, it was in a tired and slightly defeated "what's the point?" way, so i didn't realize it as quickly as i usually do. after some bed rest, cuddles 🧸, listening to steve jobs' commencement speech, and a little yoga, i felt better. "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future." was something i didn't know i needed to hear today. i modified my to-do list and found that the list of things i "must do" was nearly as long as the list of things i "want to do" 😅

5. kreutzer sonata, movt. 1 (beethoven): pretty sure i've mentioned some of these songs before but...they really fit the mood! sometimes i feel things so strongly that i develop a tightening in my chest that can only be relieved in a scream... since i can't actually scream and i don't actually really like the physical feeling of it, i scream through exercise and music 😅 beethoven is very nice for when i'm feeling very annoyed or angry, especially if it's an anxious kind of angry or if it's anger at injustice/inequality. i can't find a piano solo version that does the fiery spirit of the violin justice. so in the vague future when i actually play this, either i try (and perhaps fail) to replicate that on the piano, or i find a violinist friend who would want to play with me 😅 right now though, imagining how i would physically create that sound on the piano will have to be enough. the prevailing thought/feeling of the day: sometimes i just really wanna believe in the good in people and believe that i can trust (some of) them. i long for that feeling of safety in a broader irl community that i actually belong in. i'm surprised by how often i long for it. but then my negativity is reinforced by news and people's opinions on it.

6. violin sonata no. 1 in g minor, bwv 1001 (j.s. bach): stuff was done. i felt calm/chill throughout the day, but even tho i feel good whenever that happens, it usually means i don't get an extraordinary amount of things done that day (lol since when do i ever). i'm not sure if it's enough, as there is still lots to do and i'm pretty sure that it's just wishful thinking that i'll achieve all my goals for this week by its end. i need to cut down my goals list to the realistic rather than idealistic version as always (school, lab, and basic self-maintenance tasks) 😅 gaawwwdd i hope i can do this...good night.

7. waltz in a minor, b. 150 (chopin): today and yesterday i have been able to keep my phone time under an hour. the days are blissful (if not at least calmer) and focused. 📚

8. only mine (laufey): cuddles in bed while listening to laufey is so soothing 🧸 takes me back to my childhood listening to lullabies in the dark 🥺 motivation to study is hard to find today. i just want to relax 🥺 i'll just do one tiny thing and see where i wanna go from there...

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nickfowlerrr · 2 years

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taking care

pairing: soft!dark nick fowler x curvy!reader

warnings: innocent/naïve reader. violence. mentions of blood. mean!nick. mentions of injury. minor character death. smut. choking. gun violence. pet names. hair pulling. spanking. i think i’m missing stuff so please let me know if you think anything else should be tagged!

words: 7.4k

notes: this fic has been sitting in my drafts for a couple weeks and i haven’t reread it in a while so apologies for any errors. genuinely idk where this story went and i know i didn’t bother trying to make it make much sense - it was really just an excuse to write nick fowler smut and then this all just kinda came along with it lmao. also - can i just say that i am big anti baths but honestly, i’d get in a tub with this man any day of the week 😙

i feel like, by now, we should all know not to expect well written endings from me and this fic is no exception. idk man lol

as always feedback and comments are always welcome. thank you for reading and reblogging 💜

“I really wanted to trust you, sweetheart,” he said, sounding disappointed as he stared down at you. “I was so sure I could trust you.”

“What?” you said, taken aback by his words as you stared up at him from where you were made to kneel in between his legs. “You..you can. You know you can,” you continued, trying to hide your hurt though you were sure it was written clear as day on your face.

His hand was caressing your cheek softly as his eyes continued to gaze stoically into yours - giving nothing away.

When you had gotten home, after putting away the groceries in the kitchen, you found him in the den. He was just sitting in his chair near the fireplace- the glow of the flames illuminating him and accentuating the sharpness of his facial structure. He sat there, almost unmoving - looking like a work of art.

You were going to call to him, but were instead momentarily stunned by the sight of him before his clear, blazing blue eyes suddenly shot to yours as he heard you enter. His gaze froze you to your spot with the chill it sent through you. He stared at you a moment before speaking.

“Come here, princess,” he called to you.

You blinked at him before making your way over. You had heard that pet name many times before, but something about the way he said it was different now. It sounded wrong, cold. So unlike the wickedly sweet way it normally sounded coming from his lips.

When you were stood right before him, he grabbed your hands in his and pulled you down, urging you to lower yourself onto your knees before him.

To say you were confused at his words would be an understatement. You had been with Nick for the past two years and had started living together just around the first. He had moved you into his home with him a few months shy of your one year anniversary, promising you it would be perfect. And the place itself was perfect. It was in a newer, quite expensive, neighborhood with few neighbors living in the houses near his.

And his house was amazing. High tech and as luxury as you had ever seen in person. You had no qualms about the place you’d be moving to, you were just a little trepidatious, worried things were moving too fast. But of course, Nick convinced you it wasn’t too soon, that when you loved like you loved one another, these things could never be rushed. Not when it was always meant to be. You’d get to spend more time together, you’d save money on rent, and he’d be able to keep an eye on you - to keep you even safer.

You knew Nick’s line of work was dangerous, but you never felt worried about something bad happening to you. You knew he’d never let that happen. You were always his top priority, and had been since the day he first laid eyes on you. Rather, your concerns were in regards to his safety. When he would come home after long weeks away, you finally felt like you’d be able to breathe again. He’d always call or message when he could, but of course you’d still worry. Especially on occasions when he’d get home bloody and bruised. Sometimes you thought it hurt you more than him. But you were always there waiting for him. Always there to patch him up and take care of him when he needed you. And you always would be. You’d promised him as much.

You were closer to Nick than you had ever been with anyone and you’d never felt such an intense connection the way you did with him. You never knew how deep love could be before you met him. You would trust him with your life. You did trust him with your life. And after all this time, you thought he felt the same.

But apparently not.

You weren’t sure what had come over him or what exactly brought this on, but his current behavior was unsettling to say the least. You felt like he was keenly watching every little movement you made and taking note of each reaction you had as he stared at you. Looking for some sort of tell, something that would betray your innocence. But what did he think you were guilty of?

Whatever it was, he wouldn’t find anything. You hadn’t done anything to cause him to question his trust in you, you were sure of it.

“You don’t have to lie, sweetheart. There’s no point now, anyway,” he said as his fingers ghosted along your cheek.

“Nick, I swear,” you said, shaking your head in confusion. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.

What are you trying to accuse me of?”, your hurt even more evident now, “I haven’t done anything wrong,” you insisted earnestly.

It was only when he brushed his knuckles along your cheek that you dared to move. You gingerly grabbed his hand in yours and as you pulled it down to hold it, you then saw the blood and bruising. You looked up at him, eyes wide as you finally took his appearance in more closely. You noticed what appeared to be dried blood stains on his crisp white shirt, but as you scanned his face to see if he was hurt, you found no sign of injury. So the blood wasn’t his.. The only give away he was injured at all was his hand. No, hands, you realized as you pulled away only slightly to run your eyes over him again, needing to be sure he wasn’t hurt, before you noticed the bloody knuckles on his left hand, matching his right.

You weren’t new to seeing Nick like this, but you were normally more prepared. If he was due home from a mission, you knew what to expect. You had time to prepare and steel yourself against the sight of him possibly walking through the door wounded and bloody. He wasn’t normally a hands on kind of guy. He preferred to avoid hand to hand combat when he could, “less messy,” he’d say. But from the looks of him, it seemed he had been in some kind of altercation. You just couldn’t think of how that would have happened in the few hours you had been out. It’s not like he had been gone on an assignment, he hadn’t had any work since he came back last week. So when did this happen? Why did this happen? Why was he sitting here looking the way he was? Treating you like you were in on some conspiracy against him.

“Princess,” he tutted as his eyes burned into yours and his expression grew harsher. Your hand in his, being squeezed tighter. “You’re gonna need to stop lying to me, before I get even more upset.”

“I’m not lying,” you stressed again. “Please - please, just tell me what’s wrong. What happened?”

“You really thought I wouldn’t notice the little hushed conversations you’d have with him every time you’d go out?” He dropped your hand from his and you moved further back from him as he leaned closer to your face, scrutinizing every emotion that passed your eyes. His question served only to confuse you further because you really, truly had no idea what he was talking about or to whom he was referring.

“Don’t play stupid, baby. It’s not gonna work this time,”

This time? What was that supposed to mean? You wanted to ask, but knew better than to let it slip from your lips. He was obviously upset and lashing out, and you knew you needed to figure out what he was going on about before he was too angry to deal with. Nick would never hurt you, you knew that, but he had a way of taking his anger and frustrations out on you that would leave you feeling him for days. Normally you didn’t mind, but seeing as his ire was now directed, in part, at you, you felt a little more… nervous. He had never spoken to you like this before and you certainly were not a fan of it. He was making you feel uneasy.

“Nick, I honestly have no clue what you’re talking about or even who you’re talking about,”

“I saw you on your way out earlier, princess. What did you tell him, hm? What did he say to you to get you to smile so pretty for him?”

You sat there, mouth agape and brows furrowed as he spoke so condescending towards you. You thought back to when you were leaving today, who had you seen on your way out? Who had you talked to? The only person you could think of was Johnathan.

Yeah, it was Johnathan. He stopped you on your way to your car, asking about when would be a good time for a double date night with you and Nick and him and his wife. He’d been trying to set something up for a while, since they had moved in a few months back. Nick was evasive the couple of times Johnathan had caught him outside - always asking when you two were free. It was odd, certainly, but you had never thought anything of it. Only that he seemed to be a friendly neighbor, maybe overly so, but nothing more.

And certainly Nick knew better than to assume anything more than friendly, courteous conversation was happening between the two of you anytime you may have spoken. You were just being polite.

“This is about Jonathan?” you asked, almost disbelieving. “Seriously, Nick? He said hello and asked about you, like he always does before I told him I had to get going. That was it. That can’t be why you’re so upset. Will you please, just tell me what happened?” you tried asking again as you reached for one of his hands to examine more closely.

“Let me get you cleaned up and-,” you soothed before you found yourself being shoved down onto your back. The movement was sudden and unexpected. As you found yourself pinned down onto the hardwood floor, Nick on top of you, his hand wrapped firmly around your neck as his ice blue eyes raged with betrayal, you didn’t have time to scream and only managed to squeak out in protest before he spoke. He was mere inches from your face as your hands instinctively grabbed onto his forearm while he held you tighter.

“I told you to stop lying,” he spit out as you stared up at him in complete shock. You tried to speak but the hold he had on you, the way he was choking you made it nearly impossible. He stared into your frightened eyes for a moment before he loosened his hand from your throat and you coughed out, desperately trying to regain your breath as your head lolled to the side. He immediately grabbed your face and brought you back to looking directly up at him while you heaved.

“I’m not lying, Nick! What the hell is wrong with you?” you cried beneath him, trying to push him off but getting nowhere. He ignored your words, clearly not satisfied with your answer and seemingly unphased by your fighting against him as he continued staring into your eyes. When you stopped thrashing, he let out a heavy breath, letting his head fall slightly, his forehead against yours.

“I’ve already forgiven you, princess. I promise. I just need you to tell me the truth now so we can move past this,” he bargained as his thumb brushed away the tears that had fallen down your cheeks.

You stared perplexed yet again as your brows returned to their furrowed position.

“The truth? The truth is I haven’t done anything. I still have no idea what you’re talking about or what happened while I was gone- I-”

You were interrupted by Nick scoffing and huffing as he hauled you roughly up from the floor. He had a tight grip on your arm as he pulled you to him. You crashed into him with the force of his pull before he spun you so you were in front of him, your back now to his chest, as he urged you to walk in front of him while he led from behind.

“I really didn’t want to do this the hard way, sweetheart, but you’re leaving me with no choice.” he said as he moved you both to the garage. “You’re gonna tell me the truth, in your own words, one way or another.” he promised.

As he shoved the door open from behind you and urged you in, you were stunned by the sight you were met with. You gasped in shock as you stared at your unconscious, bloodied and beaten neighbor tied to a chair. The walls of the normally empty garage and the floor beneath him were covered in plastic. You were genuinely lost and felt like you were on a delay as you just continued to stare, begging your mind to catch up.

What had Nick done in the few hours you had been gone and why?

“Let’s start off easy,” he began as he spoke into your ear. “How long?”

“How long, what?” you stuttered out in a whisper.

“How long have you been planning this? How long have you been working with him?”

“Working wi- what? Working with him? What are you talking about, Nick? What the hell is happening?”

“He said you’ve been in on it since before we met.. But I know that’s not true. Can’t be. Because I’m the one who found you, not the other way around. I don’t believe you’re that conniving and I know you’re not that smart. So, tell me. When did he get into contact with you and when did you decide to work with him, huh?”

“He said what?” you asked shrilly. “I swear to God, Nick, I met him when you did. I’d never seen him before in my life. And I wasn’t working with him on anything? What does- what does that even mean? Look, I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what he told you, but he’s lying. Whatever he told you, he was lying! And how could you believe him,” you finished, your voice on the verge of breaking.

He stayed quiet for a minute, then his grip left your arms. You stayed still in your spot while he was still close behind you, close enough that you felt it when he was reaching for something. You weren’t sure what he was doing until he moved his arms to wrap around your waist lightly as his hands crossed in front of you. As you slowly looked down at his hands, you saw his pistol being held in his right hand. He leaned down to rest his head on your shoulder as you continued to stay as still as you could.

“Nick,” you nearly whimpered. He sighed, nodded his head and placed a gentle kiss on your neck before he spoke.

“I believe you,” he said, standing up straight.

It happened so fast. You had instinctively turned around into Nick the second you saw him raise his gun. With his left hand, he pushed you out of the way as he stepped in front of you and aimed his pistol at Jonathan - firing a single shot into him without a second of hesitation. You jumped at the sound of the shot as you were looking away from the scene while your eyes watered and your hands covered your mouth as you silently gasped in shock.

Nick put his gun down on the workstation next to him and turned to you, walking to where you were standing. He didn’t say anything as he pulled you into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you before moving a hand to hold your head against him as he tried to comfort you.

“Sorry, angel. You’re so gullible, so easily persuaded into things, I just had to be sure,” he began as he moved to walk you back into the house. His calm was a stark contrast to your terror filled debilitation.

“He got inside after you left and tried to sneak up on me. Honestly, he’s probably the worst trained agent I’ve ever come across. I heard him coming from a mile away.”

You were back in the house, he guided you to the den and sat you down on the chair he had been previously occupying in front of the fire. You were clearly in shock as he continued speaking.

“Got him tied up in the garage, I told him to talk but he didn’t want to. Took a little work, but eventually he broke and told me all about his secret assignment. And then,” he paused, taking a deep breath before letting out a light scoff, “he brought up you,” he said as he caressed your face gently.

“And each time your name left his mouth, I couldn’t stop myself from punching the living fuck out of him. He passed out and I came inside and waited for you to get back. You know, he was shitty at every other part of his job, but he sure knew how to get under my skin.. The rational part of my brain kept telling me he was full of shit, I knew he was, I just- I hated even having to think about the possibility it was true.

“But sweetheart,” he said as he grabbed your face, making sure you were looking him in the eye before he continued. “I want you to know that even if you had been working for him, with him, whatever, that I would have forgiven you.

“I know you weren’t, I know you didn’t, but if you had, we would’ve moved past it. Because no matter what, we belong together. You’re mine. And I know how much you love me. I know you’d do anything for me. And I’m sorry I had any doubt.”

He was squatting down in front of you as you were finally starting to process everything. Your breathing became quicker and quicker and your mind was racing.

“His wife, Nick. What about his wife? She’s gonna- she’s gonna be looking for him. What are we gonna do? What do we do? He’s- he’s, he’s dead, Nick. He’s dead. In our garage. What do we do?” you rambled as you began to cry again, leaning forward into him desperately.

He pulled you to stand up and held you once again.

“There’s nothing to worry about, sweetheart. I already sent some people over to his house. There was no one living there but him. He’d been staking us out since he moved in. Working for some rebel agency after he was dismissed in the academy. Never even made it into the bureau. But don’t worry, it’s all taken care of, I promise. No one’s missing him except whoever sent him, and we already have plans on how we’re gonna deal with that,” he assured you.

You stayed in his embrace, the only source of comfort you had. You were still upset and you wanted him to know it, but you didn’t want to lose his touch or push him anymore than he had been pushed today by getting angry and blowing up at him after everything.

“I wasn’t working with or for him. I have never told him anything about you,” you said quietly into his chest as your lip wobbled. “How could you accuse me of doing something like that?” you asked as you pulled back to look at him, his eyes much softer now and full of sorries. “You’re my everything, you know that. I love you, I would never go behind your back. I would never want to get you hurt in any way.

“I would never do that to you. I could never do that to you.”

He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss to your lips, pressing his forehead to yours as he nodded.

“I know, princess. I know. I’m sorry,” he said solemnly. You just hugged him tighter as he held you.

“Your hands,” you suddenly remembered. “Let’s go upstairs,” you said.

“Hey, angel,” he stopped you from pulling him further, “I think you’re still in shock. I just shot a man in front of you, you don’t need to be taking care of me right now. I’m taking care of you.” You stared at him a moment in silence, gently biting your lip trying to keep yourself together.

“You killed him,” you said bleakly.

“I killed him, yeah. I shouldn’t have done that in front of you, I’m sorry.”

“He was trying to kill you first, though,”

“Yeah, he was.”

“And he was trying to make you believe I was in on it,” you added.

“Yes.”

You just nodded against his chest as you leaned into him again.

“He had it coming, but that has nothing to do with me doing it right in front of you. Don’t try to rationalize the trauma,” he lightly chuckled. He was pretty accustomed to death. He had seen his fair share of it and his hands obviously weren’t clean of anyone’s blood, either. Though that certainly wasn’t something he ever wanted for you.

“It’s normally pretty difficult for people the first time they see someone die,” he said softly.

“The first time?” you said, sounding stressed. “The only time. First and last,” you said seriously.

“First and last,” he promised.

You later found yourself wrapped in your bath towel, sitting on the edge of your bed while Nick dried himself off with his own. You had cleaned his hands yourself before he ran a bath for the both of you. Sitting in the bubbles, you just laid with him in the warm water while his hands trailed up and down your body. You didn’t talk, just enjoyed his presence. That was until the realization that you could have actually lost him today hit you.

You looked up at him and tugged him closer to you as your eyes threatened to spill over with tears. Nick hushed you softly as he kissed your head.

“I can’t lose you,” you whispered.

“You aren’t going to, princess,” he assured you. You soaked a little while longer before you moved to the shower together. You were now clean and a lot more relaxed after being comforted by him all night long.

Nick moved over to you, standing before you as you sat on the bed. You looked up to him with a small pout and puppy eyes and just raised your arms up to him. He laughed a little before he bent down to your level, allowing you to wrap your arms around the back of his neck, hands finding his hair as you pulled him into a soft kiss. He gently pulled away from you and tugged your towel off of your body before he pulled his own off of his waist and tossed both of them to the wayside as he immediately went back to your soft, waiting lips, his hands framing your face while he deepened the kiss.

You broke away for a breath, staying nose to nose with him. Quiet and softly, you spoke with your eyes closed as your foreheads touched, “You’re my first and last.” The sweet reminder of the fact that Nick indeed was your ‘first’, in a lot more than just sex, and that he would absolutely be your ‘last’ as well, seemed to only frenzy him as he returned his lips to yours hotly.

“Your one and only,” he snarled as you nodded against him.

“My one and only,” you repeated obediently.

Before you knew it, he had you on your back and moved you up the mattress, allowing him more room to kneel above you, only breaking the kiss to breathe. His hands were on your face and yours were in his hair as you continued to sensually make out. Soon, his hands began wandering your naked body and as he lowered himself and closed the space between you, you could feel his heavy cock, hard and hot against you. You spread your legs around him as he moved his lips down to your chest. You moaned at the feeling of him playing with your breasts. He was toying with your nipple in one hand as he took the other into his hot mouth. Suckling and nibbling, getting you more and more wet for him as he moved to deliver the same attention to your other breast. Leaving kisses and love bites all over your ample chest before moving back up and attacking your neck with the same need.

You knew he was trying to be gentle, working very hard to not go feral over you. You could feel it in his tense muscles, he was too stiff and you knew he was holding back for you. Trying to, at least. But when you felt him bite your shoulder a little too harshly as he grabbed your ass roughly, you knew what he really wanted, needed. Today was a bad day to say the least and you knew he needed to let it out. Normally he had no qualms about taking his frustrations out on you in bed but today was different. You were involved in this and he had already hurt you earlier, you were still fragile. He didn’t want to push you so he was trying to keep his aggressions at bay. But you didn’t want that. You wanted to feel him. Completely, with no inhibitions. You needed it.

Pulling his hair back just enough to get him to look up to you, you urged him closer as you kissed him hard before speaking.

“Nick, baby, I want you. Use me. Please. Don’t want you to hold back,”

“Princess,” he tried to caution, voice hard.

“Please,” you begged. “It’s okay, I’m okay. I want you to feel better. I want you, I just want you, please.”

He didn’t need much more persuasion as he crashed his lips into yours again. Your hands were on his back, holding him close to you, chest to chest, before he pulled away from your lips and pulled back. Your hands fell from his back and moved to his built chest, then up along his muscular shoulders as he stared down at you with dark, hungry eyes.

He pulled you up with him suddenly as he got off the bed completely. You stared at him confused for just a second before you realized what he wanted. Without him saying a word, you got up and bent over the side of the mattress, your ass sticking out as you stood there in anticipation of what was to come..

“Color?” he asked huskily.

“Green.” was your prompt response.

The first strike of his hand across your bottom stung in the most pleasant, familiar way. You moaned at the second one as he admired the jiggle of your ass, squeezing your flesh before he landed the next strike. He spanked you repeatedly as your skin grew hot, your eyes grew teary, and your pussy grew needier with each hit. You were a mess for him already.

As he grabbed at your ass and soothed your hot flesh, he couldn’t help but taunt you as he admired your slick pussy drooling for his attention.

“All this for me, princess?” he asked as his thick fingers swiped through your wet folds while you whimpered. He rubbed your wetness around as he continued playing with you before plunging one finger inside of you, curling against your tight walls.

“Yes, yes, Nick, all for you,” you moaned.

You could practically hear him smirking as he moved closer behind you. He pulled his finger out after pumping in and out of you teasingly. He pushed you further up the bed as he grabbed your ass again and spread your cheeks so much so that you opened up even more for him, you could feel your pussy spreading for him as he squeezed you and continued his playing. He slapped your ass once more and without warning thrust two of his fingers inside your wet and wanting cunt. You mewled in delight as he scissoed them inside you, preparing you for his cock. He loved playing with you, teasing you with pleasure and watching you writhe with desire for him to push you off of the edge. And he would, eventually, but he liked seeing just how far he could push and taunt you before you were crying for him. So he continued fingering and stimulating you just enough to keep you on the edge, but not enough to get you there. Not yet.

“Please,” you whimpered out with a breathy moan. He slid his fingers out of you at your pathetic plea and then leaned over your back, shoving his fingers past your lips into your mouth as he spoke in your ear.

“Suck,” he commanded, voice low and heady. You did as he said, sucking his fingers clean as he panted over you, and you could feel him grinding his cock against your ass. He pulled his fingers past your lips before he placed a sloppy kiss on your shoulder as he stood back up.

“Good girl,” he praised.

He grabbed his thick cock in his hand and decided to tease you a little more as he ran his tip up and down your slit. You were mewling at the sensation and wanted more.

“Your needy little pussy’s just crying for my cock, isn’t she?” he taunted, voice thick with desire.

“Mhm yes, Nick, please. Please fuck me. I need it, need you, need your cock inside me, please,” you whined desperately.

“Careful what you ask for, princess,” he said darkly before he positioned his cock up to your dripping hole. He thrust into you and began moving hard and fast as he fucked you without restraint. You were groaning and moaning as he hit deep inside of you, your legs dangling over the edge of the bed now with how far he pushed you up with his thrusts. His hand went to your hair and he pulled your head back harshly, loving the way your body reacted to him while he grunted in pleasure as you continued whimpering and babbling pure nonsense.

Letting go of your hair, his hands then gripped your soft, fleshy hips as he pulled you back onto his cock repeatedly, slamming in and out of you. The clap of his pelvis meeting the flesh of your ass while he continued pounding into you was salacious and lewd and served only to turn you on more.

“Fuck, you look so fucking pretty when you’re being spread open on my cock, angel. Feels so fucking good, fuck,” he grunted huskily, moaning at the feeling of you.

Your fingers were buried in the sheets as he fucked you further into the mattress and you were on the very brink of your orgasm. Nick was hitting so deep inside of you and you had never felt so full. Each slide of his cock against your walls brought you closer as he stimulated your g-spot with every thrust.

His right hand left your hip and slithered under you to where his index finger found your clit. He began rubbing the swollen nub in small circles, causing you to clench hard around him as he swiftly brought you to your orgasm with the added stimulation. You were moaning and crying breathlessly as you came, eyes squeezed shut as he rode you through your high and talked you through your orgasm.

“Ah, fuck, princess,” he moaned out. “You’re squeezing me so goddamn tight. Coming on my cock like a good girl, huh. You like that, yeah. Love when I split you open like this, don’t you. Love when I fuck your pretty little pussy, stuff you full of my cock while I play with your clit,” he spoke into your ear as he leaned over you again.

“Mmhm, I love it, ‘so good, it’s so good. Fuck,” you cried as you mewled into the sheet beneath you while he continued pounding in and out of your overworked cunt.

He took your hands in his, intertwining your fingers as he pulled your arms down and around your back, his hips snapping more erratically into you as he chased his high. He was leaning all of his weight onto you as he leaned over your body, pushing you further into the bed as he groaned. You knew he was close as he lost any of the restraint he may have had left, your name leaving his lips along with a string of curses.

“No one else could ever make you come undone like this. No one else will ever get to fuck you, feel your tight cunt wrapped around them. Fuck, this is goddamn heaven. And it’s all mine,” he said, moaning and grunting.

“You’re mine,” he growled into your ear. “And you’re gonna come again for me. Need to feel you come again, princess. Need to feel you grip my cock like that again.”

As if the never ending stimulation from his thick cock rocking into you from behind along with the thrilling sounds and praises you were pulling out of him weren’t enough to make you come again, those words absolutely were. Your toes were curling and the feeling of him on top of you - his pants and moans right in your ear as he leaned into you even more, all of it, every word, sound, and sensation were cascading at once into you and sent you headfirst into another orgasm, your hands squeezing his as he pushed into you further, your walls tightening around him again while he bit into your shoulder and you whimpered pathetically.

“I’m gonna come inside you, angel. Fill you up full of me, and you’re gonna take every last bit of my come, you hear me,” he panted through grit teeth in your ear. “You’re gonna be feeling me for days after tonight, princess. But that’s exactly what you wanted, isn’t it. Just can’t fucking get enough,” he growled before he pulled out of you. He flipped you onto your back so quickly you barely even registered it happened until he slammed right back into you, his hands keeping your thick thighs spread for him as he pulled you as close to him as he could, your ass on the very edge of the bed as he kept your legs open around his hips. He thrust a couple times more, long and hard, before he seated himself as far inside of you as he possibly could with the most beautiful moan you’d ever heard, his shuddering breaths falling on you as he started to let himself go inside of you, your pussy gripping him like a vice all the while. His hands were back on your hips as his body fell forward, his head nuzzling to the crook of your neck as he sucked air in through his teeth before letting out a deep, guttural groan, nearly shivering as he came harder inside of you. His thick ropes of come filling you. You held him close to you, petting his head as he leisurely pumped his cock inside of you a few more times, riding out his orgasm as you panted and mewled beneath him every time he stimulated your ever sensitive clit. When he was finished, you were sure you had never been so full. You could practically feel him leaking out of you.

You were both panting, regaining your breath, as he smiled against your skin, coming down from his high and nuzzling more into your neck as he readjusted the both of you to be more comfortable on the bed.

“You’re perfect, you know that? Every last thing about you,” he said as his arms went around the dip of your back, hands settling on your hips once again as he kissed your neck, up to your cheek, peppering kisses along your skin.

You smiled at his words and the feeling of his soft lips trailing along your tender flesh as tingles ran through you, wrapping your arms around him. Briefly you heard his earlier words float through your head. You’d never known him to be so…mean. To you, at least. Though you wanted to forget it, it continued nagging at you while he laid in your arms.

As he slowly pulled out of you and got off the bed, you pondered talking to him about it. You didn’t want to upset him, but this was gonna bug you if you didn’t voice it.

He was back in front of you with a damp rag and the most loving look in his eyes. Gently, he cleaned his spend from between your legs and after discarding the rag, crawled on top of you, engulfing you in his arms, pulling you into his side as you were cuddling with him.

“Nick,” you muttered softly. He hummed in response, waiting for you to continue.

“I just wanted to ask, to know..Earlier, you… do you, you really think that? That I’m stupid?” you asked quietly, your embarrassment and hurt evident as you tried to hide your face against him.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he gently pulled you back to look at him, his eyes full of sympathy, a stark contrast to the cold fire that raged there previously. “No, I don’t think you’re stupid.”

“Really?” you pressed.

“Really,” he nodded. “You’re not stupid, you’re naive,” he stated matter of factly.

You looked down, wincing slightly as you pulled away from him. Tried to, at least. Nick was quick to pull you back to him, tilting your chin up as he forced you to make eye contact.

“Hey,” he breathed, “that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You may be naive but no one's gonna take advantage of that or use it against you, I’ll always be right here looking out for you. Protecting you.” He placed a soft kiss on your lips as you allowed yourself to settle next to him again.

“And I love that about you,” he smiled. “It’s just natural for you to be sweet.. and trusting.. and kind,” he punctuated each word with a gentle kiss to your temple, cheek, and finally your soft lips once again after nuzzling your nose. “I’m so lucky I found you before the world could change any of that.” Those words, sickly sweet and full of love and admiration of you, that was your Nick. The way he behaved earlier was intense and unlike anything you’d received from him before. You were just glad he was back now, and eager to forget the hurt he caused you. Certain he wouldn’t do anything like it again to you.

You half smiled before sucking your lip, your mind returning to the current conversation you were having with him, “Certainly tried to.”

You thought back to just a couple years ago, before you met Nick, before everything changed. You were making minimum wage, working two jobs in the city, living in a shitty apartment with a roommate you barely knew. Life had never been easy on you. But the moment Nick came into yours, it was like he just made everything better. He took care of you like no one ever had. Showed you love like you’d never known. You felt like you owed him everything. You really would do anything for him, he was your whole world now. That’s why it hurt so badly when he insisted you were lying to him earlier. You thought you had made it clear that that was something you would never do to him. You loved him so much. You figurned you just needed to show it more. To do anything and everything you could to reinforce the simple fact that you were his and his alone. Forever. It was the least you could do, right? He gave you everything, and made sure you were aware of the fact that he’d do anything for you, he’d protect you and love you with all he had. You needed to ensure he knew, without a single doubt in his mind, that you’d do the same. Because you really would, you did. He never made you question for even a second his devotion to you. He always said how lucky he was to have found you, but you felt even luckier for it. Truly, where would you be without him? You didn’t want to even think about it. It was all too much to put into words at the moment. For now though, exhausted and worn from the tumultuous events of the day, laying next to him, his protective hold on you as you were cuddling into his warmth and feeling surrounded by the love you shared, it was enough.

“I’m so grateful for you,” you sighed.

He caressed your cheek as he smiled at you, admiring your delicacy. He knew you were perfect for him the moment he had first laid eyes on you. He knew you were meant to be his, and so he made sure that you were and you always would be.

“I love you,” he kissed you once more as your eyes threatened to shut, lashes fluttering.

“I love you, more,” you whispered as you nuzzled further into him.

“You look exhausted,” he chuckled softly. “Go to sleep, angel.”

He was right, you were completely drained, but still, you wanted to fight your sleep a little longer. You worried your dreams would be flooded with nightmares of dangerous men breaking into your home, trying to hurt you, trying to hurt Nick, and god, the sound of the pistol firing ringing in the back of your mind. You shook your head, hoping to shake the sound as well. A man died today. And that could have been Nick. That thought wrecked you. You didn’t want to be without him for even a moment, not even in your sleep.

“I will,” you mumbled, holding onto him.

“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” he said as if he could read your mind, rubbing your arm soothingly. You needed to come back to yourself. You were only working yourself up to dwell on things you couldn’t change or control. And with Nick around, you didn’t need to worry about anything, he’d take care of it all. He’d keep you both safe..he’d always keep you safe. Finally allowing yourself to really settle while Nick held you, you were soon sleeping, and though you woke up every now and again with a start, Nick was always still right beside you. His touch calming as he’d lull you back to sleep. He was here and you were safe, he’d remind you, mumbling words of comfort against your temple until you fell asleep again. He stayed up all night just making sure you were okay. He said he’d take care of you and he meant it. He’d be damned if you ever had to go through anything like tonight again, but right now he just needed to be sure you were okay and slept through the night. He already had his guys tracking down their headquarters and first thing tomorrow, he'd be sure the people who were responsible for tonight would be deeply regretting getting anywhere near you and ensuring they’d never have the chance again. And after that, he’d finally tell you the big news. You two were going off the grid, somewhere remote where it could be just the two of you, like it should be. Somewhere safe, where no one could find you. He’d had the plans set for a while now, and it was the perfect time to do it. You were more dependent on him, he was sure you’d say yes without him having to convince or force you to. The ring was perfect and he couldn’t wait to slip it on your finger. He wasn’t sure you’d be ready for another big move, but the honeymoon would be the perfect cover to get you there without you worrying. You’d say ‘I do’ and it would all work out. He’d be your first, your last, your only, just like he was meant to be. Always and forever. Just you and him.

#nick fowler x reader #nick fowler #dark!nick fowler #soft!dark nick fowler #nick fowler x y/n #soft!dark nick fowler x reader #soft dark nick fowler #naive!reader

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 10 months

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wibta if I started a different discord chat for my friend group just to exclude one person

I know it sounds bad and that I'm just starting shit but we've all been friends for 10+ years now so it's not something I'm considering lightly. We currently have a private discord server of just the 4 of us that we switched to as opposed to a traditional gc since we all have different phones and its good for having multiple conversations, quality photos and videos, and keeping a clear record of when and where plans are made

Anyway, this isn't a recent problem but the friend (A) has always had a tardiness problem it started with her not being able to wake up early in the morning but even if we have late night/afternoon plans she still can't get dressed and/or finish her makeup on time and causes us to be consistently at least 1 hour late which I was hoping she'd start growing out of after highschool but this isn't the case (we're now all 22+) and is especially frustrating when going out to eat bc by the time we leave all of us are hangry and expected to eat hours earlier. Recently A has started prioritizing other friends of hers which is nbd she can have other friends we all do except she'll drop plans last min with us to go with them which is also annoying bc it's disrespectful for the rest of us to be blown off like that. We're clearly not her priority anymore but she always expects to be ours, plans have to be on her work schedule, on her timeframe, on if she will be tired etc. plus being an afterthought leaves out a friend in the group (B) who had to move out of state with family and now he can't tell if we're making plans behind *his* back and he feels left in the dark when in truth he knows as much as I and the other local friend (C) do

It's to the point we've stopped doing any plans that start before like 2pm because we can't rely on her to be ready but she'll be upset if we don't wait for her while she's still getting ready, esp cuz we usually carpool, which already limits what we want to do together in the first place

However, it was my birthday recently and I'm currently ~2hr drive (no more than 3 with heavy traffic) from A and C, who doesn't have a car and needs to be picked up by A. I really wanted to go to my fav breakfast place and had some other plans for after and I kept emphasizing what time A needed to get here because the place closes early (they only serve breakfast). And at this point no one should be surprised she didn't arrive until after 1pm, after the place was closed, and at that point no one had eaten all day so we had to rush and find somewhere else that'd be open and nearby bc we were all starving and half my plans for the day were gone bc they were based on places we'd go after breakfast that also close in the afternoon (2-5 depending on the place) and since they are my closest friends and dont know my other friends who live closer and I've only known for less than 2 yrs (who I wasn't comfortable to ask for bday presents from yet still) (still got one from 1 even tho I insisted they didn't have to tho lol) they were the only people I made solid birthday plans with this year so it was really heartbreaking to deal with and have everything I was excited for be cancelled since it's hard for me to go out like this on my own w anxiety and busy work schedule too but I scheduled the day off. I was hoping that she would try even just a little bit because it was my birthday the one day I ask for literally anything and we rarely see each other now bc of conflicting work schedules and I DID plan for her to be semi late in secret but I didn't expect her to arrive for breakfast after 12

Anyway that's the whole backstory plus the recent straw on the camel's back but I just want to make a new chat between me, B, and C, to plan virtual movie and game nights bc she never reads the events chat anyway and all our online call plans grind to a halt for hours or days waiting for an answer bc at least C still wants to try and include A even tho her schedule is so busy or she's tired or will prob be late to the call and make us wait for her or cancel or leave early or we debate what game/movie A wants but she doesn't even NEED to be there it's just like.. Minecraft. Or a pirated 90s movie we're streaming or wtvr

I've tried saying like "hey I'm gonna be playing x on Saturday if anyone's free come and join me" but that usually just ends in me gaming alone bc it's so noncommittal the others will catch up on other work they have but really I'm just trying to hang with any of them even if 1 person can't make it at the time we don't always have to only call in a group yk?

A is nice otherwise like she's still my friend just planning anything with her is starting to be like pulling teeth and I still want to keep in touch with her and hear how she's doing from our discord server but stuff like that I just want to start separating her from weekly calls (which are currently more like monthly) bc she's so flakey but I know it's kinda shitty to purposefully leave her out and she'd be upset if she ever found out I was doing that.

I'm also open to advice on how to deal with this situation in general, thus the detail, without causing a huge fight or make anyone pick sides +her tardiness won't be something we can talk through it's something we've worked on for years and recently have just given up and accepted since she's late even to things that are important to her

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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stateswscarlet · 17 days

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Hello how are u? Ok I have a little question

Some ppl say we have to believe our manifestations are gonna come and be convinced and others say it doesn’t matter what are your thoughts on this ?

Also, I have this fear that yk I’m living int my 4D everything is good im with SP and I’m happy but I’m “living this fantasy” and trusting the law and holding onto him and what of it never happens. What if I’m applying bad. Like ok life is about 4D but what if I’m never manifesting him back and so never moving on holding onto “false hope” knowing that it works bc I see others success stories but what if I keep on failing ?? Did this thoughts ever happened to you? What do I think about that? If it’s the belief that manifests why ppl say we don’t have to believe and get what they want and others don’t. And how to truly change belief ? I don’t really understand. I’ve felt amazing in the wish but then my mind runs directly to “he’s not like that” or “well that’s not the case so come back to reality bitch”

How to deal with this ?

Also sometimes I don’t really know how to shift my feeling. I understand my thoughts don’t manifest and everything comes from the state and I’m not my state. But what about when you’re feeling AWFUL and regulating is not working and u WANT to shift your state but you seem to can’t ??

if you already have your manifestation then why would you be believing its coming? coming from where? from who? do you have it already or are you waiting? if you already have something why would you care about whether or not you believe its coming when it…. already did? if youre talking about believing its YOURS already then yes, you do have to accept that.

drop the 3D completely its NOT under our control. either you be fulfilled for YOURSELF or youre not and still miserable regardless of whats in the 3D. what you described is the typical state of waiting. you feel all these things because youre still identifying with “im doing xyz so my sp comes in eventually”. you have to drop time and reasoning and understand you ALREADY HAVE IT. you change belief by changing your state, they come built into your state you arent supposed to be going on a treasure hunt to find your beliefs. if you keep getting snapped back to reality that shows you’re imagining to change the 3D instead of changing how you feel WITHIN.

if youre feeling awful your last concern should be getting in the state. i dont care if you want to, bc if youre disregulated and thinking of your state, your priorities are in the wrong place. why dont you start thinking of your phone, your home, your parents, your ceiling when youre anxious? why jump to your manifestation? its bc u dont think its yours and cling to it bc ur scared it wont happen. stop treating it as any different than anything else. focus on regulating and distracting yourself by doing something you enjoy.

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caffedrine · 1 year

Text

Gilbert von Obsidian - The Bodyguard Prince - Event Summary

Alternate Title: Do you know what will happen if you touch what is mine?

Do I ever know what I’m doing? You shouldn’t trust me, or my suspect understanding of what’s going on in my daily life, much less in Gilbert’s world.

Accuracy is not guaranteed - you should definitely pick up this event when it reaches the English server.

Emma has made a new friend, which is noteworthy since the malice surrounding the evil prince has isolated her from almost everyone else. This new friend is the only one Emma has been able to make during her stay in Rhodolite (outside of the princes).

While desperately reading a book in the library, Emma feels a cold figure slide into the seat next to hers. Out of both becoming accustomed to him and desperation to finish her book, Emma ignores Gilbert. Gilbert tells her to open up to him since he is her friend.

Although she is aware of him, Emma does her best to continue to read her book as if there are no distractions. Gilbert asks if he should kill her, and Emma finally snaps at him to just stop it. She finally looks at him, only to see him smiling sweetly as if he hadn’t made that disturbing threat. Gilbert tells her in that case, just to pay attention to him.

Why oh why is he always like this? Even as Emma laments, she knows the reason behind all of this.

Due to her position as Belle, hiding in the court as a minor noblewoman, Emma has to attend social gatherings. Very recently, she met the daughter of an Earl who was close to her age and had a similar love for books. Due to her new friend’s father’s work, she wasn’t always at court, so she wasn’t aware of Emma’s association with the enemy prince, so they had bonded.

This is also the first person besides the princes who has talked to Emma in a long time. She is Emma’s first new friend, outside of the self-proclaimed friend Gilbert is.

In a bored tone, Gilbert asks if Emma is reading this book because of her new friend. Emma admits that’s true; her new friend highly recommended this book to Emma. She realizes that Gilbert is in an unusually bad mood. Is it because he wants her to be socially isolated and dependent on him, and is upset that she’s branching out?

Gilbert moves the conversation along and asks if she’s planning on attending a tea party with her new friend tomorrow. Emma asks how he knows about that, and Gilberts happily informs her that he has eyes everywhere.

As Emma begins to feel very vulnerable and creeped out, Gilbert asks if she’s reading this book just so she can talk about it at the tea party tomorrow. It seems like all she’s thinking about is her new friend. He asks which is more important, him or her new friend. Diplomatically, Emma assures Gilbert that they’re both important to her.

Not happy with that answer, Gilbert reminds her that he should be her number one priority. This is so upsetting that he must simply cry. And he does, kind of. In an absolutely fake and theatrical manner.

Emma asks if there’s something wrong with this. Forgetting that he’s supposed to be crying, Gilbert laughs and notes that Emma is becoming quite bold. He’s not going to stop her, but he doesn’t expect anything good to come out of her new relationship. Noble friends aren’t the friends she thinks they are.

Emma thought Gilbert was simply sulking, but his next words were sincere. He tells her that just as her definition of ‘friend’ and his definition of ‘friend’ is different, Emma’s new friend also has a different definition of ‘friend’. And, until Emma figures out what ‘friend’ means to her new friend, she should be worried.

Emma tells Gilbert that if there is no initial trust, there is no chance for friendships to form. Emma believes in her new friend, which is the first step to becoming friends. And, unlike Gilbert, this friend is less likely to have ill intentions toward her.

Gilbert chuckles, telling Emma he sees where she’s coming from. And, based on that definition, he and Emma are definitely friends. Emma tries to change the subject, but, undeterred, Gilbert compliments Emma’s bravery.

Emma just doesn’t trust Gilbert. She has already forgiven herself for that mistake she made at the very beginning of their relationship. Gilbert pinches Emma’s cheek to make her focus on him again, hard enough for it to hurt.

Gilbert complains that even though she can’t trust him, her true friend, she has no trouble trusting this new person. As her friend, he doesn’t want her to get hurt, instead, he wants to protect her. Emma dutifully thanks him for his feelings. Gilbert warns her to either accept his offer of protection either willingly or forcefully. As Emma looks at Gilbert, he smiles, telling her that he just had a good idea.

Sensing evil, Emma quickly rises from her seat to escape, but Gilbert grabs her wrist and pulls her back down. A cold sigh hits her ear, and Gilbert reminds her that he already told her that she had no option to not do this, especially since he’s going out of his way to do this for his friend. Emma is used enough to this to know that Gilbert is going to do something one way or another, and she needs to tread carefully.

The next day, Emma was planning on visiting her new friend with Rio as her butler. However, when she arrived at her and Rio’s prearranged place, she finds Gilbert there instead. Emma asks if Gilbert has noticed her butler around, and Gilbert assures her he has. Right here in fact.

Not understanding, Emma looks around the area, asking where exactly. Gilbert helpfully points at himself, and Emma feels the blood drain away from her body. Panicking, she asks what happened to Rio. Gilbert is evasive in a way only a murderer can be, before assuring her that he didn’t do anything, Rio is just very busy right now.

Reminding herself that Gilbert doesn’t lie (except when he feels like he can get away with it) Emma is relieved and calms down enough to address the new situation. She tells Gilbert that it would be wrong to have a foreign country’s royalty and guest act as her butler. Gilbert assures her that he’s okay with this. And oh, no! They’re running out of time, she doesn’t want to be late for her new friend’s party, right? When Emma hesitates, Gilbert asks if she wants to be threatened or something.

Which is why Emma is sitting at her new friend, Louise’s party with the evil Prince of Obsidian as her butler.

(Gilbert is a man of many talents, worming his way into tea parties is just one of them)

When they first arrived, Louise’s face lost a lot of it’s color as she looked at Gilbert, but after enough apologies to make Keith proud, she was able to assure Emma that it was fine, they could proceed with the party as normal.

Normally, decorum would have Emma’s butler be unobtrusively out of the way of the party, but neither she nor Louise object when Gilbert joined them at the table and started partaking of the tea and sweets. He tells them not to mind him, he was just here to show off how close he and Emma are as friends.

Louise admits that she hadn’t really believed the rumors of Emma and the Obsidian Prince’s relationship, but-

Emma quickly tells Louise that the rumors are a lie. Gilbert points out that Emma didn’t even hear what rumor Louise was going to mention, and Emma tells them that she just knows that any rumor about her and Gilbert is false.

Louise is willing to bite, if the unmentionable rumors are false, then what is Emma’s and Gilbert’s relationship with each other?

Emma: Victim and Perpetrator

Gilbert: Friends.

Emma: . . .

Gilbert: Best friends.

Placing a ‘friendly’ hand on Emma’s shoulder, Gilbert smiles sweetly at her. Emma grimaces back, but she doesn’t object as she has no doubt ‘friends’ is better than what the rumors paint them as.

Louise politely wishes them luck in their friendly friendship. Emma can see that Louise’s fingers are trembling, and when she holds her teacup the surface of the tea ripples. Emma realizes that, while she herself is still affected by Gilbert’s mere presence, she’s somewhat accustomed to it compared to other people.

Even though Gilbert looks like an affable young man, almost instinctively everyone can tell that he’s a savage beast who has conquered and trampled over many countries. There’s this weird aura about him as if even the most minor of transgressions will set him off. Emma tries to reassure Louise that even though Gilbert is frankly terrifying, he’s not that violent. Really, he’s not as bad as Louise must think.

Gilbert laughs and tells Emma that she’s the only one he’s nice to, though.

Emma quickly changes the subject, telling Louise that she finished the book she recommended. Suddenly, Gilbert is forgotten as the two women start gushing over the male lead in the book, on how he was sweet, kind to all, and not at all scary.

The talk leads to the sequel, which Louise mentions that she has a copy of in her library. She offers to lend it to Emma, who is overjoyed to accept it. She stands up to follow Louise and abruptly remembers Gilbert.

Gilbert assures them that he’s fine, he’ll just keep the pastries company while they continue to fangirl together. Emma is a bit surprised; she had thought he would come with her, but she’s happy enough to leave him behind.

(We can trust Gilbert to keep the pastries safe and sound in his stomach)

Emma never notices the smile hidden by Gilbert’s tea cup.

Louise brings her to the library, explaining that it belongs to her. It was a birthday gift from her father a few years ago. Emma admires it, thinking about how lucky Louise is. She’s a bit worried about her new friend though, even though Gilbert isn’t with them, Louise looks paler than expected. Lingering effects of spending too much time with Gilbert, maybe?

Louise unlocks the library door, beckoning Emma inside. The moment she does, a sweet smell hits Emma, confusing her. It’s not a book or library kind of smell. She thinks she recognizes it, but . . . but . .

Emma faintly hears Louise behind her apologizing as her vision fades to darkness.

When Emma returns to consciousness some undeterminable time later, she finds Gilbert standing at some distance in front of her. Gilbert politely wishes her a good morning.

Glancing around, Emma sees that they’re in a dimly lit place, full of dust and poor candlelight. As she continues to wake up, she sees that Gilbert is smiling as sweetly as ever. However, there are a lot of bodies lying on the ground around him. Though she can’t see the cobblestone floor beneath her well, she can smell the blood on it.

Emma begins to move, and she realizes that something is restricting her, especially around her neck. A new voice directly behind and above her tells her roughly to not move.

Emma realizes that her hands and feet are shackled, and someone is holding her, with a knife to her throat. From nearby, Louise calls out to her father, and the voice tells Louise to be quiet.

Emma has no memory of what happened since she entered Louise’s library, but she knows enough to tell when she’s being held as a hostage.

In front of her, Gilbert notes that Emma has had enough time to take stock of the situation she’s in and asks if she wants his help. Emma disagrees, with the way the man behind her is trembling, it’s hard for her to figure out who is the victim and who is the perpetrator in this situation. Emma tells Gilbert to tell her what happened.

Gilbert was just sitting there, enjoying the tea and pastries when Louise came back and asked him to come with her. He very politely followed her to the Earl, who welcomed him with a band of mercenaries. This noble house is part of the anti-monarch faction, an extremist organization that wants to become allies with Obsidian.

They approached Emma hoping to eventually use her as a hostage to ensure his future cooperation. However, they had not expected Gilbert himself to come to their trap, so they decided to move their timetable forward.

And now, unless Gilbert gives in to their demands, they’re going to cut Emma’s throat in front of him. Gilbert laughs, Emma is in a truly pitiful position right now, even he feels bad for her.

Emma feels like she’s drifting. She thought she had finally made a friend. But, in the end, it was all a lie. Louise, who was nearby, did not deny anything Gilbert was saying, hurting more than the knife at Emma’s throat.

She can feel Gilbert’s next words seep into her wounded heart like poison. He reminds her that he’s her only true friend here, and the nobility has different definitions for ‘friends’ than she has. He tells Emma not to worry, when she finally loses all her trust in people, he’ll still care for her.

Tap-tap. Gilbert takes a step closer, his cane tapping on the cobblestones. The knife presses into Emma’s throat and the Earl warns Gilbert to stay back.

Gilbert focuses on the Earl, noting that although he tells this to Emma all the time, the Earl doesn’t know that Gilbert absolutely hates it when others interfere with his prey. The Earl must truly be an idiot if he thought he could hurt Emma to negotiate with him.

Suddenly, Emma feels like she’s about to be crushed by Gilbert’s bloodlust. Even though Gilbert’s expression was still soft and sweet, she can feel his rage and clearly smell the sharp tang of blood. And it’s not even directed at her.

The Earl trembles even more behind Emma, and she can hear Louise start to sob. Emma realizes that when Gilbert offered his help, he wasn’t talking about rescuing her. How naïve she was.

Gilbert asks if they think that he can’t kill anyone here just because they’re in Rhodolite. He tells them that he is great at disposing of evidence. He turns to Emma and asks which one she wants him to kill first.

Sweet End

Emma begs Gilbert not to kill anyone, but she regrets speaking the moment Gilbert’s blood-colored eye focuses on her. He tells her that If he doesn’t kill them, she is still at risk. Or is she saying that she’s willing to risk her life for the people who were planning on using her as a hostage? He laughs at how saint-like she is in her forgiveness, he can’t keep up with her.

Well, he has a point. Emma has been betrayed; what she thought was a burgeoning friendship was instead a very calculated series of manipulations. But she still doesn’t want anyone to get hurt; she had enjoyed the time she had spent with Louise and had even genuinely thought of her as a friend.

Very calmly, Emma shifts her focus to the Earl holding a knife to her throat and asks him to let her go. She warns him that Gilbert isn’t the kind of person who would capitulate just because the other person has a hostage. If the Earl lets her go, she promises to keep Gilbert from killing him.

The Earl tells Emma to shut up, and the knife jerks against her throat, drawing blood. Gilbert asks if she’s okay and Emma snaps back that of course she’s not. He warns her that he’s running out of patience, she is his and only his prey.

Gilbert gives her a sweet, refreshing smile, pulling something out of his pocket. He rolls the item across the floor towards her, and it goes off. A misty smoke emerges from it, completely obscuring the room, blinding Emma to anything more than a couple of inches in front of her face. She feels the Earl suddenly shove her to the side, and just as she braces herself for the expected impact, something soft wrapped in linen breaks her fall.

Due to the shackles still on her hands and feet, she can’t stand up. Emma calls out for Gilbert, but there’s the louder sound of something collapsing to the floor nearby. A chill of a bad premonition strikes through her heart, making her sick.

Emma begins to crawl towards the sound, stopping when she gets to a jet-black cloak. The smoke clears a little, and she can see the Earl crouching at Gilbert’s feet, knife still in hand. Further ahead is Louise, sitting on the floor, with teary eyes.

Gilbert looks back and asks Emma what she’s doing. But he’s not looking at her, instead, he’s looking at a nearby sword on the floor. Emma asks him to stop all of this.

Gilbert asks if, even after everything these people have done to her, Emma still wants to protect them. Emma reminds him that Rhodolite has laws against murder, even in the case of foreign princes. Gilbert considers this, remarking that if he were to invade and conquer, that law wouldn’t be in effect.

Gilbert picks up the sword he was eyeing earlier, kneeling next to Emma. He grabs her chin and turns her face to look directly at him. Emma has misunderstood something crucial. Gilbert has no real reason to listen to her, and besides, she’s wasting her pleas for someone else, when she should be begging him for her own life.

Emma realizes that very recently, she’s been letting her guard down around Gilbert. Because she had some pleasant and kind interactions with him, she had forgotten that he was one of the worst beasts.

Gilbert lets go of Emma and stands, walking towards Louise with a sword still in hand.

Gilbert is a beast, and that’s why Emma won’t give up. Before he could move far, Emma grabs tight onto his cloak. He stops and doesn’t shake her off.

Emma tells Gilbert that Louise is her friend. Gilbert laughs, Emma’s definition of ‘friend’ is really unusual, as this one just tried to sell her to him for political favors. Emma points out that Gilbert’s version of a friend is someone he doesn’t listen to or who’s opinions he doesn’t care about, so he doesn’t have room to complain about other people’s definitions. Gilbert argues that his definition is still less insane than hers.

Emma continues, as Gilbert already knows, no one will ever approach someone who is favored by the evil Obsidian Prince. She can deal with the cold stares, but what she can’t stand is no one talking to her.

Gilbert agrees that she is indeed in a pitiful position, smiling in a way to let her know that he sees this as not his problem.

Emma continues; in spite of everything, Louise still treated her normally. Even if the motives behind the friendship were less than pure, she is the first person in a while to act like she enjoyed spending time with Emma. They shared their common interests and fangirled together over dreamy romance novels. Emma refuses to believe everything was a lie. She has chosen to believe that some of the time she spent with Louise was genuine.

Emma asks Gilbert to not take away her new friend.

The more Emma speaks, the colder Gilbert’s gaze grows. Even though a chill spreads down her spine and Emma’s breath catches, she doesn’t hold back. She clutches Gilbert’s cloak tightly, planning to never let go no matter how hard he tries to pry her off.

Gilbert remarks that rather than being naïve, Emma is now firmly in the ‘idiot’ category. Well, if Emma is going this far to beg him, he’ll listen to her. She is right, if she takes full responsibility for her now former captors, she can save them.

Without hesitating, Emma agrees. Anything would be better than watching Gilbert murder her new friend right in front of her.

Gilbert laughs, after being at the mercy of a third-rate villain, Emma just willingly placed herself into his hands. And he intends to show her the difference between himself and the Earl.

Gilbert carries Emma, who is still wearing shackles, into an empty room. With some odd familiarity, he quickly finds a first-aid kit and begins treating the scratch on her neck, completely silent. He applied the medicine and wrapped the bandages around her wound with the skill of a doctor. Emma thanks him and he tells her not to mention it, his words kind but cold.

Emma still can’t read Gilbert’s face.

Emma holds out her hands and asks him about the shackles. Glibly, Gilbert tells her that unfortunately, he doesn’t have the key to them. Well, if he wanted to, of course, he wouldn’t need the key. Emma hears the implicit ‘can but won’t’ of that statement. Gilbert picks Emma up and settles on a chair, Emma in his lap.

Emma protests, but Gilbert ignores her, his cold fingers running over her cheek. He asks Emma how she intends to beg for her life.

This is a test. IF she gets the wrong answer, she’ll just be back at where they started, so Emma has to think carefully. She asks if he intends to hurt Louise. Gilbert tells her that’s a kind way of putting it.

In that case, whatever he was planning to do to Louise, she’ll accept in Louise’s place. When Gilbert is confused, she explains that she’s substituting herself for Louise.

She has no idea what Gilbert was planning on doing, but this is the only thing she can come up with. Since he knows that she’ll Belle, if he were to come up with terms, it could be detrimental to Rhodolite. That said, she has no idea what will satisfy Gilbert.

Gilbert refuses.

At Emma’s surprise, Gilbert explains that he’s not some sadistic lunatic that enjoys hurting everyone and everything. Emma insists she never said that. It’s just that she can’t come up with anything else.

Gilbert proposes absolute obedience.

Yes, this was what Emma was hoping to avoid. Gilbert explains that this is the price he would demand of Louise to keep her family alive, so it’s natural for that to be transferred to Emma. Every order he gives her, Emma would absolutely have to obey them. Even if it means she would betray Rhodolite.

Emma refuses to betray Rhodolite, and Gilbert shrugs. He’ll just go back down to the cellar and kill Emma’s friend then. Emma shouts at him to stop.

Gilbert complains that Emma is truly selfish. Stroking her cheek as if to tickle her, he lightly pinches it. If they were in Obsidian, this would be considered a major concession on his part. Whether or not he accepts her request, Gilbert is still listening to Emma’s pleas. Can she think of something better than absolute obedience?

Emma considers this; as Gilbert said, she can still make requests. However, she cannot hope for equal negotiation. And, in this place, she has no one that she can ask for help. There is only one thing she can hope for now.

Emma appeals to Gilbert’s conscience, but he warns her that he doesn’t have one. She insists there is; after all, if he didn’t have a sense of morality, he wouldn’t’ have saved her back then and be listening to her now. Instead, he would have just killed everyone in that cellar. The mercenaries in the cellar were all bleeding and unconscious, but she didn’t think they were dead. He may be ruthless, but there was something inside him that would listen to her.

Emma can’t believe in the prince of an enemy country, but maybe she can believe in her friend. And in some weird way, Gilbert might be a friend.

Throwing off all sense of shame, Emma shifts and embraces Gilbert, even with the shackles on. She didn’t hold back at all, trying to transmit warmth into his cold body. She tells Gilbert that he’s always so cold.

Gilbert asks if Emma is joking, and she insists that she’s serious. Gilbert sighs, noting that someone is in trouble now.

Well, this isn’t all that bad. But a hug isn’t enough for him, Emma isn’t losing enough. Gilbert suggests something in addition. As Emma lets go of him and leans back, he touches her lips.

Even if it’s in front of servants, the nobility, or even the princes, she must kiss him no matter the time or place. At Emma’s silence, Gilbert asks her what she plans on doing.

Emma feels her heart pound. They’re not really lovers, and she’s not sure they can be considered friends. But Emma is also certain this is the last chance she has to save her friend. Emma slowly nods, and Gilbert helpfully points at his own mouth.

How about they start now?

Emma leans forward, slowly bringing her face closer to Gilbert.

Suddenly the door slams open, with someone shouting Emma’s name.

Premium End – Gilbert POV

Everything was rigged against Emma from the start.

*Flashback Time – The Day Before*

Very causally Gilbert asks Silvio to help him in his acts of villainy. Silvio calls Gilbert an idiot and tells him to stop talking in his sleep.

The previous night, when Gilbert visited Silvio’s room, he was treated coldly.

Without any worries, Gilbert joins Silvio on his couch while the latter was sipping rose wine. Gilbert warned Silvio that the merchant inside him would want to hear Gilbert’s proposal. Silvio responded that he only listens to decent people.

Gilbert had a high-risk high-return proposal that Silvio would want to hear. He placed a box he had prepared in advance on the table in front of Silvio. Intrigued, Silvio flipped open the box, and was at a loss for words.

It was a very rare sample of ore, which could only be obtained from a small mine in Obsidian. There was no other mine in the known world that could produce anything so pure as this sample. Silvio shouted at Gilbert; demanding to know if he had just been walking around with that in his pocket?

Gilbert admitted that to him, this was just one stone among many. But he had been assured that someone like Silvio would see the value in it and see a treasure. Silvio’s eyes grew sharp, and he asked what Gilbert wanted. Smiling, Gilbert relaxed against Silvio’s sofa.

Silvio was aware of a dog that is always clinging to Emma, right?

Yes, Silvio is well aware of the shitty dog.

Great! Gilbert would be so happy if tomorrow Silvio found a way to distract the dog and keep him away from Emma.

With an odd expression, Silvio asked if that was all Gilbert wanted. Which it was, since the next day Emma would join her friend’s tea party. The poor girl was looking forward to it so much, to the point that she didn’t even notice she was being used.

No one approaches Emma without seeing the shadow of the Obsidian Prince looming over her. Gilbert had, of course, investigated Emma’s new friend, and discovered that her father was trying to make Obsidian contacts. The upcoming tea party with Emma would be the next step in his plans.

Well, Gilbert was happy to see something interesting, so it wouldn’t be a waste to go with Emma.

Bringing him back to the present, Silvio pointed out that the price of the ore sample alone would be enough to order assassinations on at least 100 VIPs. Seeing his question, Gilbert assured Silvio that he doesn’t intend to outsource his assassinations, he specializes in handling those himself. Silvio is disgusted at how proud Gilbert seems of that fact.

Silvio asked how much money does Gilbert intend to waste just so he can harass that woman. Gilbert intends to never let up on harassing Emma. Silvio asks what Gilbert’s end goal with her is.

(Could it be that Gilbert is just that easy of a mark?)

Gilbert realizes that because he paid so much, Silvio is now suspicious. Silvio points out that Gilbert is actually going out of his way to harass that woman, did she do something to him that is making him hold a grudge against her?

Gilbert complains that Silvio is too cruel and suspicious of him; calling Gilbert’s displays of affection harassment to his face. Besides, if he had a grudge against her, Emma would already be dead.

Again, Silvio asks what Gilbert’s end goal is. Well, Gilbert does have a clear purpose, but he’s not just going to tell Mr. Everything Has a Price. He asks Silvio if he knows Gilbert’s nickname.

The fucking eyepatch, the world calamity, marshal of everlasting victory, the trampling-

Gilbert cuts Silvio off, it was the trampling beast. The ‘fucking eyepatch’ is a new one that he decides to pretend he didn’t hear it.

Moving on, Gilbert has trampled and dominated so many countries that he has garnered the nickname ‘the trampling beast’. And he does not intend to change things just because this is Rhodolite.

Silvio groaned; Gilbert has managed to make him feel sorry for that poor woman. Gilbert laughs, he also feels sorry for her. Silvio shouts at him to not just feel sorry for her himself. Gilbert smiles sweetly at Silvio’s scowl, standing up.

Starting tomorrow, Emma is going to learn not to trust anyone other than Gilbert. He’s looking forward to Emma being betrayed and sold out by her dear friend.

*Flashback End*

So why the hell did it turn out like this?

*Flashback Time*

Gilbert’s plan should have gone smoothly. Emma had been gone for a little while, ostensibly to visit their hostess’ library. Then, the hostess came back alone, her complexion even worse than before. He had almost laughed; the young noblewoman was unable to hide her guilt at all.

When she told him Emma was calling for him, Gilbert had obediently followed the woman to the cellar, acting as if he didn’t have a clue what was in store. Upon their arrival, he had found the Earl holding an unconscious Emma hostage, surrounded by a group of mercenaries. This must have been a rush because rather than looking like proper noble guardsmen, this group looked like thugs from the rough part of town.

Upon seeing them, Gilbert laughed and told the Earl that he had made a mistake. If he wants to deal with Gilbert, he needs to hire at least three times as many men as he has here.

It wasn’t hard to handle them, especially when Gilbert got ahold of a sword.

The Earl was out of his depth, he didn’t even know how to use Emma as a proper hostage. While Emma is still unconscious, Gilbert decides to have a little chat with the Earl and his daughter. He’s looking forward to seeing Emma’s face fall to despair.

Just as he predicted from the start, the young lady used and then abandoned Emma the moment her life was on the line. Everything was going as Gilbert planned.

*Flashback End*

Emma blinks at the intruder, asking Louise what she was doing.

Emma’s lips had been a breath away from Gilbert’s when Louise slammed open the door and rushed inside the room. Gilbert notices that she has taken up his discarded sword and is holding it unsheathed.

Louise begs Gilbert to let go of Emma, and Gilbert wonders if there’s something loose inside her head. He reminds her that she was the one who betrayed Emma to start with, or has she forgotten already? Gilbert is disgusted that Louise is trying to act like a good person right now, when less than an hour ago she had sold out Emma. She is the kind of person Gilbert wants to kill the most, though there are plenty of aristocrats like her.

Louise agrees with Gilbert’s assessment, he was right. Her father ordered her to become close and friendly with Emma. But, in spite of knowing all of that, Emma still called her a friend.

Gilbert has a flashback to someone calling him a friend too. Someone who promised to never leave him alone.

Gilbert feels disgusted as Emma is moved to tears by Louise’s proclamation. Louise tells Emma that she’s sorry for everything, for being selfish. But she doesn’t want to hurt Emma anymore. Turning to Gilbert, Lousie reminds him that it was her and her family who disrespected Gilbert, not Emma. They should bear his punishment.

Okay then, just as he was originally planning Gilbert will-

No! Emma begs him not to hurt Louise. Louise calls out for her to stop protecting her, she’ll be fine. Just leave before Gilbert does something else to her! Emma promises Louise that she’ll live through it, so Louise should be the one to run away. No! Louise will not abandon her again!

(Seriously?)

Here Gilbert was, moments ago, ready to comfort Emma in her sorrow over a friend betraying her. And now, said friend is trying to sacrifice herself to save Emma, completely ruining Gilbert’s careful plans. Everything had gone the way he had calculated it would, up until this point. The woman, a young aristocrat, had betrayed Emma exactly as he had predicted.

Maybe it was Gilbert’s miscalculation. Back at the cellar, maybe he had shown a bit too much bloodlust, and that combined with the beauty of Emma’s heart had moved Louise’s. The existence of ‘Belle’ was more troublesome than Gilbert had anticipated. Gilbert tramples his enemies with malice, but Emma was the opposite.

Instead of corrupting her enemies, Emma purifies them. She and Gilbert are the worst when it comes to compatibility. Perhaps, in this world, Emma is his natural enemy. Even now, both Emma and her friend’s complexions are almost back to normal. While the situation they’re in is terrible, they must honestly believe their lot has improved.

It’s more than a little frustrating for Gilbert. Even now, his anger and murderous intention is gone, fading away like the tide. There’s nothing more for him to do other than admit defeat. He asks Emma if they want to say that she enjoyed the tea party and pretend everything else just didn’t happen.

Emma agrees, her blatant relief making Gilbert’s heart feel complicated.

Later

Gilbert places Emma on top of her bed, noting that she never woke up. She had fallen asleep in the carriage ride as if the greatest villain in the world wasn’t sitting mere feet away from her. Even when he had picked her up and carried her to her room, she never stirred once.

Besides that, Gilbert never got that interrupted kiss.

If Louise hadn’t interrupted them during that promise, he could have had so much fun with Emma.

Pokey-pokey. Gilbert pokes Emma’s lips, considering that he’s an arch-villain with a defenseless baby bunny right in front of him. He lowers his face to hers, before positioning his ear next to her mouth. There’s no point in kissing her now that she’s asleep and unaware, but there might be something to gain if he could figure out what she was dreaming about.

He listens shortly, before concluding that Emma is having a nightmare. He almost laughs, though she likes to pretend during the day that she’s fine, her dreams don’t lie. After all, there was no way the events of today wouldn’t leave a scar on her heart. Even if Emma and Louise have affirmed their eternal and everlasting friendship, the scars of betrayal would never go away.

And still, Emma will continue to believe in the inherent goodness in people, like a true idiot. And she’ll repeat the same mistake, again and again. He wonders how many betrayals Emma will suffer and how many more can she endure.

For some reason, Gilbert is feeling irritated. How confusing.

Emma stirs and begins to wake up, surprised to see Gilbert’s face so close to hers. After blinking at him a few times, her face turns bright red and she pulls the bed sheet over her face, hiding. Laughing, Gilbert asks what Emma was imagining just now, and Emma insists that she was imagining absolutely nothing. Her reactions only make Gilbert want to tease her more. He does feel sorry for her, wondering if anyone can protect her from him. Gilbert settles down on the bed, lying next to Emma, watching her face reappear with a timid expression.

Emma asks him what he’s doing. Gilbert shrugs vaguely. Emma asks again, and Gilbert giggles. He pokes her lips, laughing. Mentally, he apologizes to Emma, explaining that he’s just in a really bad mood right now.

Emma, who had believed in her friend even after being betrayed, had purified her. She had been hurt badly enough to give her nightmares, but right now Emma was giving no signs of it. Maybe that’s why Gilbert is so upset.

Out loud, Gilbert asks Emma if she wants him to remind her.

Epilogue

What is the biggest threat to Emma? Is it a friend who would betray her, or an aristocrat with malicious intent?

No.

If he were to kidnap and interrogate Rhodolite’s court officials, they would all agree; the biggest threat to Emma is the Prince of Obsidian.

Right now, Emma, who should have been exhausted from being a hostage and the betrayal of her new friend earlier that day, trembled in bed. Not because she was consumed by terror, or even because she was cold. It was because a member of the opposite sex lay next to her.

When Gilbert offers to remind Emma what he has done, she quickly insists that he not. Gilbert bursts out laughing, and Emma leaps out of bed like a startled deer. She asks Gilbert if this is one big joke, and he insists that she has misunderstood him.

It’s a shame that she’ll believe in proven traitors and still won’t trust him even though he hasn’t done anything to her.

Changing the subject, Gilbert asks if Emma intends to change her clothes, now that she’s awake.

There’s an awkward moment between them, and Gilbert asks if she wants him to leave. Too bad, because he intends to stay right here, where he’s comfortable. In her bed. Emma tells him that she can’t change clothes with him here, but he assures her that he doesn’t mind.

Well, Emma minds.

That’s new to him. Still, Gilbert doesn’t want to return to his room when he feels like this, so instead, he crosses his legs, all while continuing to lie on Emma’s bed.

With an unpleasant expression, Emma looks around the room as if searching for something to say. Eventually, she asks why Gilbert is in a bad mood.

Huh, he didn’t think she would notice. Maybe Emma is sensitive enough to people’s hearts that she could tell even though he was hiding it. Then again, Gilbert isn’t exactly putting much effort into hiding his mood.

Gilbert considers it, and decides that he’s upset because he can’t stop noticing how stupid Emma is. He holds fast to the idea that his prey should not be wounded. That being said, the wounds he intends to cause are fine.

Gilbert had calculated for and anticipated the scars on Emma’s heart and the wound on her neck during this event. However, seeing it in person makes his head fuzzy.

Emma assures him that she’s fine, and Gilbert asks if she’s a masochist who enjoys being hurt. Outraged, Emma asks how he got that from what she said. Oh, but he can tell just by looking at her.

Take today for example; Emma had been so close to sacrificing herself to save her friend. She sacrifices herself, both body and mind, for the sake of others. At this point, Emma knows that she’s Gilbert’s prey, but the moment he takes his eyes off of her, she starts hurting herself.

That’s why he’s in a bad mood.

After today, Gilbert is now convinced that the day will come when Emma will be hurt by someone without his knowledge. Really, she should just sit like docile prey and stay safe until he comes for her.

If he wants to name the reason he’s so upset, then Emma’s kindness upsets him. Even if it’s in his calculations, hurting herself, having nightmares by herself, it all frustrates him.

Emma’s eyes are wide open and she’s staring at Gilbert. Very gently, she tells him that normal people call this emotion ‘worry’. Gilbert is worried about her.

(Gilbert having vulnerable feelings? That's umpossible!)

Gilbert wonders how what he said was so misunderstood. This swirling black feeling in his chest is not worry. In the first place, he was involved in this latest incident that hurt Emma. However, something had gone awry.

The traitor who should have crushed Emma’s hope in other people changed sides at the last moment. Now Emma thinks that she can create miracles and that there’s nothing wrong with trusting others. Not everyone will behave like Emma’s friend did today, and the more she believes, the deeper the wounds of betrayal will sink. And he has no doubt that Emma will choose the path of injuring herself again and again.

Huh, maybe he is a little bit worried, now that he thinks about it. Oh, how disgusting.

Gilbert complains that Emma is going to act like he’s a good person thanks to this strange misunderstanding between them. Emma isn’t convinced that she’s wrong though, at least not this time.

Okay, Gilbert can recognize a declaration of war when he hears it.

Since Gilbert is so nice, he’s going to help Emma change clothes. Emma begins to thank him, but cuts herself off as the words sink in. What?

Ignoring Emma’s increasingly hysterical voice, Gilbert gets off her bed and strides to her wardrobe, rummaging through her clothes. It doesn’t take him long to find what looks like a feminine nightgown.

He’s just a kind-hearted young man who worries and cares about others, right? If that’s the case, Gilbert has no choice but to meet Emma’s expectations. Emma shrieks that she doesn’t need his help changing.

Oh, no, Emma started this, so Gilbert will finish this.

Emma asks where her butler is, he’s the one who’s supposed to be doing all this for her. The helpful young man he is, Gilbert reminds her that for today, he’s her butler. Emma points out that not even Rio helps her take off and put on clothes.

Well, Gilbert is just the better butler then.

He corners Emma, blocking her escape with both hands. By now, Emma should be aware that there is no threat greater to her than Gilbert himself. Since she is so insistent on it, Gilbert offers to let Emma take off her own clothes. Because he’s a nice and caring man.

Emma refuses.

Gilbert tells her that her options are to take off her own clothes or have her clothes taken off her. Emma refuses both options.

Okay, how does Emma want to be undressed then? Reflecting that maybe he’s been a bit too nice to her, Gilbert reaches out to Emma’s top.

He unbuttons it, sliding it down past her shoulders. Suddenly, Emma gets a new idea, and darts forward, pressing her lips to Gilbert’s cheek. Gilbert is so surprised; he stops his own movements.

Why is Emma kissing him now of all times?

Emma points out that he’s the one who wanted her to kiss him. So, now that she has, please forgive her. Gilbert scoffs and reminds her that when he wanted the kiss, he wasn’t pointing at his cheek. Helpfully, he demonstrates by pointing at his lips.

Emma shakes her head ‘no’. She doesn’t think that will happen unless she falls in love with Gilbert, which will absolutely never happen. Gilbert laughs, given Emma’s current state, he wouldn’t say that it’s an absolute impossibility.

It’s nice to be liked, but it would be bad if his intentions were misunderstood. He tells Emma that the only reason he’s protecting her is because she’s his prey, not out of any other silly sentiment. They should just leave it like that between them.

The uncomfortable feeling in his chest never lets up.

#event #ikemen prince #ikepri #gilbert von obsidian

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hawthornsword · 2 months

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Bad Batch 3x4 thoughts:

I LOVE that despite Crosshair previously complaining that she doesn't have much of plan, she actually does. It's just high on goals and low on actionable steps. The step she has thought of, while nearly crashing to her death flying the shuttle, is to get coordinates of Tantiss so they can go back. Her plan is to rescue her brothers. ALL of them. It's not even a question for her. It's assumed, and she's surprised when that's not everyone else's priority too.

She's such a sweet sweet kid. She doesn't want to hurt anyone even though she can and has and knows sometimes she has to. She's so good.

"Stow it." - sounds like something Hunter or Echo would say, lol. I wonder how often she reminds Crosshair of his brothers.

I love that despite that Crosshair is theorectically the older, more mature, more experienced one, when Omega wants to try something - he lets her try. To try and fail is often how you learn, and she's so thoughtful and determined and eager that she is always working out how to make an obstacle into an opportunity. That is how highly successful people think. Crosshair sees this and gives her the room to try and to fail and to grow, all while his own respect for his sister is growing.

Also,

Omega: I don't want to hurt anyone.

Crosshair, internally probably: I DO!!!

🤣🤣🤣 "a temporary requisition of funds" - you can tell Sid has been her babysitter. She didn't learn everything from her brothers.

"And if you lose?" - Don't worry Cross, that's when you get to start shooting. 🤣

Omega continues to impress me. She was pretty annoying in the beginning of season one, but that's to be expected because she was a little kid. She's grown and learned so much and now she's showing so much maturity. She's not going to compromise her morals just because her scary big brother she wanted to rescue says so. Like yes, practically speaking, leaving Batcher behind is the safe thing to do, but Star Wars heroes don't win by abandoning their allies. That's one of the entire themes of the whole thing. You stick by your friends, no matter what, and that's how you win. She stands her ground.

"My skills are being wasted." Crosshair is willing to let Omega lead I think because he's out of his depth a bit in civilian territory, still used to a straitforward battlefield, while Omega's entire experience outside of Kamino is in situations like this. So despite that the adult should be taking care of the kid in this situation, she's the one who knows what she's doing. But he also points out to her not to waste the advantage he brings to the table, because he knows at this point that she's got a strategic mind and can factor that in in some useful way. They're becoming such a good team I'm so excited!!!!

"All right. Let's try things your way." She's responding to the imperial, but glances at Crosshair to indicate it's his turn to shine. Chef's kiss, 10/10. I adore little things like that.

Release the animals!!!! Yes, good, classic distraction shenanigans! Comeuppance for the villain without the heroes even having to do anything is so delicious. And they even got away with their credits! I'm having such a good time!

Hah, Omega being sassy. She's thoroughly into teenager-hood.

Oh shit the dramatic lighting on that shot of Hemlock standing at the crashed shuttle is gorgeous. Also really enjoy his quiet rage. He's such a good villain.

Poor Crosshair still can't quite let himself hope...

Oh god, that quiet moment of arriving home. That's beautiful.

Wrecker greeting her first, no hesitation, complete joy. And then Hunter following, hesitating. He must be feeling so guilty that he couldn't save his girl, that she had to do it by herself. So, so, proud, but wishing he'd been better so she didn't have to.

Wait, what, NO! I wanted the emotional Hunter Crosshair reunion damnit!!!!

Ugh, okay that was really good. I'm quite happy.

#the bad batch season 3 #the bad batch spoilers #the bad batch

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trans-axolotl · 1 year

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hi, I really like your blog and your antipsych thoughts have been very helpful to me. i hope this is ok to ask for advice (sorry i have brain fog and this question is vague)? i think i'm looking for 'unconventional' advice or suggestions, the kind that someone in the psych system would not necessarily recommend to me.

i have had a bad history with therapy, but i very much need some kind of mental support that i am not getting otherwise in my life (issues like CPTSD, DID, among other things). im in a position where i /can/ go to therapy, and i've been with a therapist that specializes in the things that are causing me the most problems for a year and theyre fine (i.e. has not ever helped me figure out anything about how to improve my life but has been someone who can perscribe me stuff, and hasn't done anything actively harmful to me like other therapists and psychiatrists have), but going is so upsetting for some reason (maybe because the therapy environment has been so bad in the past?) and not at all helpful. it's useful for me to have a relationship to a psychiatrist/therapist for medication and other 'navigating the system' reasons, but it's absolutely unhelpful. i am very frustrated and disillusioned with the whole concept of 'therapy' in general (maybe due to my history)!! but i don't know how else to get help!

it's harder because of the brain fog. i also feel very isolated partially because i'm in a not great environment, and partially because i have multiple mental illnesses in addition to not being a very nice person. i have felt really let down by supposed friends i've come to for help who just said therapy speak stuff like 'you should get help....' and 'sorry i don't have the emotional bandwidth to help <3' and stuff like that. it really makes me feel like i'm too messed up to be able to ask for help from regular people and i have to go to the psych industry but of course i've already been failed by them too :(

hey anon!

I think what you've said makes so much sense. I feel like we're so often told "go get help" but when we do try to seek support, it isn't as simple as just going and easily finding a therapist who is able to provide all the support and care we need. It can be so hard to find and pay for therapy in the first place, harder still to find someone who specializes in a therapy style to meet our needs, and sometimes we might not just be in a place in our life where we are in an environment that allows us to do in depth therapy work. And I just want to say that it isn't your fault if therapy isn't meeting your needs right now--that doesn't mean that you're failing at therapy. You absolutely aren't alone in feeling dissatisfied with therapy and wanting other options.

For me, what's helped when I've been considering making changes about how I approach my mental health has first been sitting down and really taking a thorough look at what things are working and what things aren't working. It seems like you've done a lot of that already--you know that it's helpful to have a therapeutic relationship to get meds and for help in the system, you know that the therapy environment hasn't been particuarly helpful for other types of healing work, and it seems like another thing you're thinking about is how to get mental support from your friends and other people in your everyday life. I think those are really good starting places to consider where you want to go from here. It might be helpful to make a list of what feels like priorities to focus on right now--do you want to develop more skills for navigating crisis? Do you want to focus on changing your relationship with dissociation? harm reduction for self destructive behaviors? building resilience and cultivating relationships in your life? There's no right or wrong answers here--you're going to be the expert on what feels most important right now.

I also just want to say that I think it's really shitty when we're made to feel like we're too crazy or too needy or too messed up to be able to be cared for and supported in our community. I've definitely had people tell me that, and it really hurts and makes me feel hopeless, like I'm always going to be struggling and that there's no chance that I'll be able to get better. But fuck that. We deserve to have meaningful connections in our community, access to resources that help us, and to be able to build resilient relationships where getting emotional support isn't considered an unmanageable burden, even if we're mad/mentally ill/ neurodivergent. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to rely on your friends and community that way, although I know it's hard when everyone we know is struggling and people don't have the energy or skills or knowledge to be able to help each other.

This is getting long, so I'm just going to list off a ton of random tips and suggestions, and I hope some of them might resonate with you.

Join a peer support group aligned with antipsych values. Hearing Voices Network, Alternatives to Suicide with the Wildflower alliance, Multiplied by One, FEDUP trans/intersex eating disorder support groups are all great options.

harm reduction! this can be especially applicable for self-destructive behaviors, but just in general moving outside of an "abstinence-only model." working to understand your actions on a spectrum of totally chaotic, unmanaged behaviors to more managed, intentional relationships with those behaviors. embracing any positive change as an important step instead of self-blame and all-or-nothing thinking.

Trying to think of the best way to describe what I'm thinking here, so I might not have the best phrasing. But basically, spending time separating your ideas for what wellbeing and quality of life look like for you from the psychiatric system's ideas of what a "normal," "healthly," quality of life looks like. For me, this looked like realizing that I wasn't actually interested in getting rid of all my hallucinations, but instead I just wanted to lessen the distress I experienced and find a way to hallucinate without panicking. So I guess just in general--really exploring what is actually important to you for your wellbeing and not limiting yourself to mainstream definitions of "recovery."

Unconventional coping skills, or coping skills that traditional psychiatry deems "risky." I've talked with some people who things like getting tattoos and piercings are actually incredibly healing for them, and are an important part of their "therapeutic" journey. Not going to go into detail or promote other "risky" coping skills on Tumblr lmao, but more just say that it's okay if there's things that therapists view as risky that you might have another perspective on how it fits into your personal healing.

Building up your and your loved ones capacity for community care. This can be a really hard one, because I know it always frustrated me when I would see people talking online about how great things like care webs or the power of peer support when I just didn't have any of that in my physical everyday life. So I'm not just going to put this here like it's a magical solution or something that's easy to accomplish. It's something that can take a ton of work and we're allowed to be frustrated about that. I think one strategy that helped me with this was spending a lot of time building my own understanding of my own capacity to help, my own needs, and what ways I would like to be cared for. That helped me start small, just by having conversations with my loved ones when I wasn't in crisis and saying "Hey, this is how I would like things to go when I'm in crisis. This is something that helps me when I'm hallucinating. This is a way you could let me know that you can't support me tonight but still leaves room for us to have connection. This is how I can help you. Let's talk openly together and develop and practice how we want to care for each other." Starting with just one person and one conversation really went a long way for me in terms of eventually building up an actual support network and for me was super instrumental in healing work.

Setting out an hour a week that's my "self therapizing time." just using one hour a week to look up new resources, try out new skills, journal, do self-inquiry, participate in activism, do something that brings me joy, read something new about mental health, literally anything that feels intentional in that hour. trying out a lot of new things and quitting a lot of new things!

Incorporating your physical needs. I'm sure we've heard a million times things like "get sleep, nourish yourself, go outside," and all that is great but often feels fucking impossible when we're mentally doing not great. but I guess just saying it can be good to be aware of how our physical body impacts our mental health in other ways. things like trying to get our sensory needs met, embracing movement that feels good + making space for rest, embracing things that bring our physical body pleasure whether that's tasty food, sex or other kinds of physical intimacy with other people, if it's using substances in a way that feels helpful or joyful or fun--anything really!

Here's a bunch of random orgs and resources that I have found helpful: Fireweed Collective, Wildflower Alliance, Project LETS, Mapping our Madness, Mad Survival Tools, Organizing Guide for Psychiatric Survivors, MindFreedom Resources, Multiplied by one (I can't personally vouch because I haven't been to their groups, but I have a friend with DID who attends these groups and had positive things to say about them.)

I'd also add on this book: "Psychosis, Dissociation, and Trauma: Evolving perspectives on Severe Psychopathology" although I do want to give a warning that this book is a heavy academic text that has a lot of clinical and stigmatizing language. For me, it had some helpful information that helped me make connections between my experiences of trauma, dissociation, and psychosis, but I would not recommend reading it unless you feel like you're in the right headspace and can deal with wading through a lot of the psychiatric narrative.

These are all just some things that sometimes work for me, so please feel free to disregard anything that doesn't resonate with you. I'd also love it if followers could add on with any tips, resources, any "unconventional" advice!

thanks for reaching out, anon, and I hope you have a good night 💜

#personal #antipsych #antipsychiatry #resources #going to copy and paste most of these things over into a seperate post just for links to resources if anyone wants that #mad pride #mad liberation #<3 followers please add on!!

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upsidedowngrass · 1 year

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one of my favorite details about liam is the fact that he is very nice!!!! but he does NOT seem to get manners

his whole motive thruout season 2 is that he wants to save the others. from the looks of it, he doesnt CARE about the revenge part that much. like yeah itd be nice to stop the guy that physically harmed and killed you bc he did that, but thats an afterthought really - and i didnt interpret liam trying to kill airy even as an attempt at revenge so much as an extremely irrational and extremely stress-induced method of trying to make sure his friend + the others DIDNT get sent to the plane. his main priority is repeatedly that he wants to stop this from happening to anyone else. the only time he mentions himself is when saying that he 'cant live the rest of his life not knowing WHY this happened' (thats paraphrased) but that is immediately followed up w concern for this happening to other people

ofc, he also thinks he literally Has Nothing so the lengths he goes to to save the others CAN be interpretted as not things he would do if he thought he could go back to normal but at that point, thats just extremely specific speculation and i dont think thats supposed to be whats conveyed. some situations wouldnt even be necessarily related to him not having anything, so much as related to helping the others. he still throws himself into everything after "remembering what its like to have a life again." even when he realizes that he doesnt HAVE to have lost everything, he still cared and wanted to help the others more

i think he wanted closure, yeah, but he really did want to save the others. the scene of him helping julien is there for a narrative reason, after all (though i dont wanna get into that bc id go on a tangent about narrative choices in ONE). hell, hes the only one to try to get charlie out of the way of the stakes! (not that the others didnt try, but i feel like the intended take-away of liams general nature is fairly clear)

anyway, liam is nice!! he cares a lot abt others and doesnt want bad things to happen to them, and hes ok with bad things happening to him if it can help them.

but he does NOT understand a lot of social etiquette, or the concept of being polite.

my favorite example of this is the whole discussion abt going to go see bradley. when the restaurant gets shut down, liams first thought is to go 'sooooo. you dont have work, right?' when liam realizes he cant pay for the laptop, he just kinda. 'i dont have any money.' and stares at bryce like a cat looking at your plate of sandwich meat, waiting for you to inevitably give them some

this isnt even ONLY after the 7 months, theres hints of this trait before then! when amelia is talking abt stone making her team when the challenge, he just goes 'yeah sorry.' then talks abt how texty won their teams challenge, pointedly when texty is RIGHT there. liam doesnt even say goodnight back to owen! (this ones less impolite than the others but i think its silly to include)

it should be noted tho, that while this ISNT present before and after the plane, it DOES show up more prominently afterwards, and this could very much be the stress! but looking at WHY its more prominent afterwards also feels like it points more towards this just being How He Is.

all of the things hes kinda impolite abt? are things where he is TRYING to be nice, or arent unkind inherently. hes going to talk to bradley? well, doesnt bryce want to come? driving him there is more efficient anyway. oh you have work? well now you dont! so now things are easier! staying here isnt gonna make the restaurant reopen anyway! (liam also probably does NOT have the same weight associated w jobs that bryce does, since liam hasnt had a job in a capitalist society in 7 months. its probably still subconsciously there, but not at the forefront when the plane is still out there). i crashed your car? well, i think the lives of others matters a little more. you can get a new car, but if something happens to airys contestants WHO KNOWS whatll happen to them

a lot of it, i think, is made more extreme by stress and trauma, yeah, but these are patterns in logic that seem to already discard manners as being that relevant. and i, autistic, chose to view that as something hes just Like. hes not a dick and he doesnt ever mean to be! but also if someone can do something fairly minor to do something more important, why does he NEED to be polite abt it?? whats the POINT you get the same message across! and thats assuming he even REALIZES these things are "impolite," based on a lot of his interactions w vryce, i legitimately dont think he realizes how he acts could sometimes be considered 'impolite'

where bryce is knowingly kind of rude sometimes and doesnt care (though is STILL kind, he is just more blunt and uninterested in sounding nice, which i could do an entirely different essay on the autism of), liam seems to not really notice manners, nor does he think theyre very important to consider, and i just. really love that about his character :)

this is the kind of guy that, if you stubbed ur toe, hed probably not say 'oohh, sorry :(' and hed just be 'dang, that sucks' and move on

#hfjone #liam hfjone #yes im maintagging this bc i like my liam analysis #i LOVE characters who are kind but dont acknowledge manners #i point at a character i like and go im going to give you the highest honor i can bestow and its an autism diagnosis #also the reason i care abt this is because i see a lot of ppl write him as concerned abt how he comes across and being a bit shy abt it?#and like!!!! thats ok #different interpretations of the same character can exist!!!#esp w a character whose actual personality is fairly muddled by the events of the story #but i also overanalyze characters and have noticed this trait of his and i think id like to see it in more interpretations #bc its how i see him and i think its very fun!!! though that could just be me :)#idm the other interpretations of liams personality i just wanted to throw this one out there bc i think abt it a lot #and i dont think it changes much but as an autistic i enjoy interpretting liam this way :)#anyway. liam autism forever 🎉🎉🎒🎉🎉🎉#hfjone spoilers

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nottapossum · 9 months

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Father knows best chapter 3: Tag, you’re it.

Summary:

Millie leaves to visit her family for a couple days… And Moxxie has an unexpected visitor Title: Tag, you’re it, by Melanie Martinez.

Notes:

TW: guns, talking about therapy, panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. Intrusive thoughts, someone feeling like a burden, co-dependently, separation anxiety, trust issues, family issues, taking someone captive.

~~~Millie and Moxxie, a few months later~~~

Millie finished packing her suitcase. “You sure you’ll be alright here, hun?” She asks.

Her brother and sister in law are finally having a baby shower for their second kid. They’ve been trying to plan this for a while, it kept getting postponed due to twisters, sickness, and genuinely forgetting about it. They’ve postponed it so many times that Moxxie is pretty sure the kid is four at this point.

“I’ll be better here then I would be there.” Moxxie says. He doesn’t really get along with Millie’s family, he doesn’t hate them or anything, In fact, he’d probably do anything to make them like him, which is exactly why he shouldn’t go. He’s trying to limit his stress levels.

Millie had to go though, she’d been promising her family she’d visit them for a while, but obviously hasn’t because of work, things being postponed…and mostly because of Moxxie and his issues.

She just didn’t think going to wrath would be good for him.

And she definitely didn’t want to leave him while he was going through…whatever it was.

“Are you sure YOU will be okay?” Moxxie asks. “You know how competitive you get when you’re around your family.” He reminds her.

Millie scoffs, she doesn’t get THAT competitive…

Okay, she can get a little carried away when it comes to her family. But, it’s not that bad…

Okay, she once broke her brothers’ hand playing candyland.

In three different places…

They had to ban the game and similar ones in their house after that.

And Owen (her brother) still can’t see the game without getting flashbacks of that day.

But it could definitely be worse, right?

“I’ll be fine, Moxxie!” She insists. “Most baby shower games are harmless, the likelihood of killing someone is only like sixty-five percent.” She says.

Moxxie raises an eyebrow. “That’s reassuring.” He says sarcastically.

Millie takes Moxxie’s hands in hers, grabbing his full attention. “Hey, are you sure you’re okay with me going?” She asks. “I can stay if you want me too, I don’t have to go.”

Moxxie shakes his head. “No, you should go and be with your family.” He says.

“But You are my family.” She argues.

“I know.” Moxxie kisses her hand. “I’ll be fine, I promise.”

She nods. “Alright, but if you need me to come back at any time, just call me. Alright? It wouldn’t bother me, you wouldn’t be an inconvenience, I don’t mind at all, you’re my priority. I want to be with you always, alright?” She asks.

Moxxie nods, containing his anxiety as best as possible. He’s a grown man, he can be without his wife for a few days…right?

“Okay. Thanks, Millie.” He says.

He promised himself he wouldn’t call her, even if he is struggling. If he needs help, he could probably ask Blitzø for a distraction, argue with Loona for a few hours about nothing… or he supposed he could contact his therapist; honestly, that would probably be the healthier option, but he probably won’t do that.

After the argument with Millie, Moxxie did his own research and started seeing an online therapist to help him with the attacks; He also downloaded some recommended exercises for people who deal with anxiety and panic attacks online; most had to do with breathing, or visualizing, or meditation. It’s a work in progress, but he’d do practically anything to get better for Millie’s sake.

They did find however that singing helps him calm down better than any other method; wether it’s him, someone else, or just listening to music in general helps soothe the unbearable emotions he’s been feeling.

So, every time he’d feel uneasy, he’d either sing or listen to some music… no matter how weird it seemed to anyone else around him.

Whatever works he supposed…

He can’t continue to be a burden on Millie. And if singing in public helped with that, it’s worth it.

He can’t loose her…

“Of course. I love you, hun.” She says.

“I love you too.” He smiles at her.

Millie smiles back. “Hey, will you walk me to the station?” She asks.

“Yeah, of course.” He says, taking one of her suitcases and walking out with her.

“I really am proud of all the progress you’ve made, Mox.” Millie says.

“I know, you say that a lot.” Moxxie says. “It’s really not a big deal.” He says.

“I can’t help it.” She says. “Especially when you don’t see how big a deal it is. You’ve been working so hard.”

He knows Millie was trying to be encouraging, trying to help… and Moxxie did feel like she means it when she says she’s proud… but, he feels like he could have done so much more and earlier to avoid this from happening in the first place.

Then Millie wouldn’t have had to deal with it, so they wouldn’t have fought.

And despite the progress, he doesn’t really feel any better. Sure, his panic/Anxiety attacks are less frequent, but his emotional suffering seems to be the same no matter what he does.

They walk to the station, holding each other’s hands the entire time. Moxxie hates knowing they’re going to have to let go eventually…

He just wants to be with Millie, he doesn’t care about the rest of the world or what they had to do, what they wanted… he just wants her, he needs her.

He really doesn’t want to be this needy, he doesn’t want to be a burden on her, he just wanted her to stay…

Was he being selfish?

Was it selfish to want her around all the time?

Probably.

Millie has other people, she has family…

She has responsibilities to them…

‘Come on, Mox. You had responsibilities here that I had to pick up once you left!’

“Okay, that’s me.” Millie says when she hears her number was called.

Damn it, so lost in thought, he couldn’t even enjoy the moment with her.

“I love you so much.” Millie says, kissing her husband then hugging him tight. “Remember to call me if you need me.” She says.

“I love you too.” Moxxie says back, forcing a smile on his face. “Call me when you get there.”

“I will.” She promised him.

Millie let go of him, then slowly released his hand too as she walks away…

He could’ve sworn he saw flashes of green, he could almost feel Alessio looking down at him after insisting he and Millie stay in separate rooms.

No! He’s safe, he’s not there! He’s safe.

Millie will be back, it’s not like…

She’ll be back. She can leave and come back. It’s Millie!

He takes a deep breath and starts humming the tune: ‘get happy’ from summer stock to himself.

It did help the panic, but tears still found their way out silently.

He already missed her.

As Moxxie walked back home, he almost considered going back to the station and following Millie to wrath. But, then he thought maybe it’ll be good for them to be apart a couple days.

Maybe he’ll feel less dependent on her when she got back, and she’ll finally get a break from his constant need for reassurance.

He won’t be a burden on her, won’t disappoint her or distract her…

Won’t overshadow her…

He can’t loose her…

He’s lost too much already.

He can’t loose Millie!

‘Forget your troubles, come on get happy.’ The song played in his mind. ‘Gotta chase all the cares away…’

Now the song is all that existed. He was in the song and nothing else was there.

~~~Millie~~~

Millie sighs sadly as she gets further away from Moxxie.

She almost wanted to run back to him, to stay with Moxxie… something in her felt wrong about this.

But, it always felt wrong to be away from him, she didn’t want to loose him! She felt the need to stay and protect him; She would never forgive herself if something happened to him.

She can’t loose Moxxie.

She could loose anyone, just not him!

She realized how irrational her fear was though, Moxxie could take care of himself.

He’s faced worse, right?

It’s only a couple of days…

Moxxie will be okay…

And she probably will too.

She takes a deep breath and tries to focus on seeing her family again.

Her brothers and sister.

She can’t wait to see everyone again!

Millie is the second child in a fairly large household, she has one older brother: Buck.

Buck (classification, Guardian) was always the 'responsible one' he always tried to keep everyone in line, acting high and mighty all the time while pretending to be humble aswell.

He's was usually kind, giving people the benefit of the doubt, dividing things equally between the siblings, making sure everyone was safe, following the rules and playing fair.

He was a pretty obnoxious know-it-all though. He could get anyone mad if he talked long enough.

And three younger siblings: Sally Mae, Owen, and Dale.

Sally Mae: (Classification: Neutral) was the third kid. She was always the better looking one, the one that drew attention, the charismatic one... the 'Cool' one.

She and Millie have always fought, ever since Sally was born it was like a war had begun, at least according to their mother.

She supposed with them being the only two daughters in the house, and both being middle kids, they always had to fight for attention, and unfortunately Sally usually won.

Don't get her wrong, she was really proud of Sally when she came out to them, she loved her sister... or whatever. But, that doesn't mean she had to like her.

Owen (Classification, Neutral.) usually kept to himself, he was just as strong as the others but never seemed to find much interest in fighting or killing, but he did have a talent in sports like soccer.

He and Millie would sometimes ban together to go against the said: 'favorites' when she lived there. (Not that he had much of a choice, Owen was seven years younger than Millie, so she often lead him into some mischief.) but, he honestly didn't mind much. Owen couldn't stand how much attention Dale got from being the youngest, and also hated Buck for always trying to tell him what to do.

(Eventually him and Buck made up...after Buck got married, moved out and stopped bothering him so much.)

And lastly, Dale: (Neutral) Dale was the youngest of the bunch, and always used his position to get whatever he wanted from their Ma.

He's a classic trouble making hooligan who always got into mischief and used the youngest card to get him out of trouble...

They always said if 'Rebel' or 'Little devil' was a classification, he would have gotten it

And then there’s Millie…

She was plenty smart, not that it meant much to the people in wrath.

She always had to work twice as hard for only a shred of acceptance or attention from her parents.

Who cares if she’s smart?

She had to be strong!

She had to be tough!

Had to be skilled and needed to be ready for any fight that came her way.

She always had to compete with her siblings to get some attention, fight for her spot at the table! Get her fair share and more!

She realized pretty early on that her Ma was far too busy taking care of Sally Mae and Dale to pay any attention to her, So she used all her energy to try and win her father’s approval.

She did everything he ever wanted her too, learned all the skills, built mussel. she competed against her brothers and sister to win his attention.

And it worked, she became his precious little pumpkin spice. She was his little girl, and she loved it.

And then, she met Moxxie. And suddenly she felt…important to someone. Someone needed her, wanted her, someone made her feel wanted…

She didn’t even have to fight for his love, he was just happy to love her.

No one looked at her the way Moxxie did.

No one saw her like he did.

And she doesn’t want them to.

Because as long as he was there, looking at her the way he did, she knew that she was loved.

And no one could get in the way of that.

~~~Moxxie~~~

Moxxie was almost home when he suddenly sees him.

Alessio.

He was in front their apartment door, waiting for him, patiently as if it were business as usual and this was a simple meeting they had planned.

When the shark saw Moxxie he looked up at him.

Said nothing.

Moxxie blinks multiple times, wondering if it was another flashback or something. But it wasn’t, Alessio was really there.

He continued to look at Moxxie, an eyebrow raised as if indicating something in secret…

And Moxxie knew exactly what that was…

The imp takes a few steps back, not knowing what Alessio might do. “Stay away from me.” Moxxie warns.

“We can do this the easy way, or the hard way, Moxxie. It’s your choice.” The shark says, terrifyingly calm as per usual.

“I said stay away!” Moxxie shouts, pulling out a gun as Alessio walks closer.

“Moxxie…” Alessio warns. “Put the gun down.”

“I’m not going with you!” Moxxie says, tears trying to force their way out. “You don’t scare me, and- and neither does he!”

“Your father just wants to talk to you.” Alessio says calmly, not at all intimidated by Moxxie’s stance. “You wouldn’t want to make him angry, would you?” He asks.

His tone was so fucking calm, like he was talking to a confused child.

Moxxie was not a child! He doesn’t care what anyone said!

Moxxie keeps the gun pointed at the shark, refusing to back down…

He can’t back down!

He can’t go back!

Not again!

He can’t!

Alessio doesn’t even flinch, he’s not scared at all… he knew Moxxie didn’t have what it takes to actually pull the trigger.

And he doesn’t.

Moxxie slowly lowers the gun.

No matter what he does…

Crimson always finds him.

He always wins.

What’s the point?

“Good boy.” Alessio says, walking a little closer. “Let’s get you home, bambino.”

Moxxie backs up away from the taller demon, but suddenly felt a arm wrap around his chest from behind him. He hissed and scratched at the arm violently, but then he felt a sharp prick to his neck. “Ahh- what the-“

Fucking damn it! Why does he never think to look behind him?!

He should’ve ran when he had the chance, why didn’t he run?! What’s wrong with him?!

Of course, they waited until Millie left to take him, why didn’t he just go with her?!

Oh… Millie.

A bag is placed over his head, and a arm wraps around his neck as he’s dragged away quickly into a some type vehicle, he didn’t even have time to react as something hits his head and he blacks out.

“It’s alright, bambino, we’ll be home soon.” A voice promised.

~~~Millie~~~

She arrived in wrath and walked to the farm herself, she never minded walking, she loved it actually.

Loved to look at the bright red sky, smell the fresh harvest and horses, it was home.

She was home.

She walked into the house without bothering to knock, and she’s immediately welcomed her family’s beautiful ruckus:

“What’s the point in a baby shower now? The kid is practically an adult!” Millie hears Owen say.

“Betsy got one so Leslie should too.” Charlotte, her sister in law argued.

“That’s ridiculous.” Owen says. “Betsy can’t even remember her shower.”

“It’s not ridiculous, when you have kids you’ll understand.” Buck says, acting superior.

“He’s not even a baby anymore!” Owen shouts.

“Hey, y’all! Stop fighting without me.” Millie jokes, making herself known before everyone starts a huge fight over this. She knows her family, she definitely prevented a world war.

She’d be damned if they had one without her.

“Millie, thank satan. Someone with a brain!” Owen says, making Dale hit his arm harshly.

“Ow! What the fuck?” Owen asks.

“You started it!” Dale says.

“Did fucking not- mom!” Owen cries, Dale leaps onto him and they wrestle on the floor.

“Boys, if you’re going to fight, take it outside, I don’t need blood on the nice table cloth.” Lynn scolds.

Buck ignores the rest of the family and turns to Millie and gives her a hug. “Where have you been, sis? Haven’t seen you since the harvest moon festival.”

“Last year.” Owen adds, pinning Dale to the floor.

“I know, I’ve been meaning to visit.” Millie says.

Dale pushes Owen off of him and hugs Millie.

She gladly hugs Dale, then her nephew Dallas. “Work has just been…hectic.” She says. “That’s all.”

“Work? Is that what we’re calling him now?” Her father, Jo asks.

Millie places a hand on her hip while her family laughed at his joke. “Funny.” She says sarcastically, obviously not really amused, but saying something wouldn’t really help any.

“Where is your husband anyway?” Buck asks.

“His name is Moxxie, Moron.” Owen says to Buck.

“They divorced! I called it.” Sally Mae jokes. “Pay up, losers. You each owe me twenty!”

“Oh no, that really puts a damper on the party.” Charlotte, Buck’s wife says.

“I’m sorry, M.” Dale says to her.

“I thought you’d at least last five years.” Buck says.

“We didn’t divorce!” Millie says. “Moxxie just didn’t feel up to coming this time.” She explains.

“Gee, wonder why.” Owen says, sarcastically rolling his eyes. “We’re always so welcoming and nice to everyone.”

“Don’t mind Owen, he’s going through a bit of a phase.” Lynn says. “Say, why don’t you get some rest?” She suggests. “You’re probably tired from such a long trip.”

“I’ll be fine, Ma.” Millie says. “I’ll just put my suitcases upstairs, call Moxxie, then I’m gonna beat y’all at whatever party games ya got!”

“Yeah!” Everyone cheers.

“That’s my little firecracker!” Jo says. “We really missed you around here.”

Millie smiles at her father. “Thanks, Pa. I really missed all of you too.”

She goes upstairs and tries to call Moxxie, but she gets no answer…

Strange.

She tried two more times before deciding to let him call her back.

Hopefully he didn’t have another attack.

Maybe he was just busy…

Maybe he accidentally put his phone on silent…

Or it’s dead…

Oh please let his phone be dead…

He’ll call back, and everything will be fine…

She’ll know he’s okay.

He has to be.

“Millie?” Dale asks her.

“Sorry- I’m coming.” She says to him, walking back downstairs to join the family.

He’ll call her back.

He will.

Notes:

Da da daaaaaaaaaah Hope you liked it! This chapter took waaaaaay longer than it should have tbh lol hopefully the next one won’t take as long to finish. I gave Millie’s brothers names… They’ll probably be revealed in the show after this but- oh well! *Shrug* Comment/kudos/like/ whatever If you likes this and want more!

Taglist: @todayimfour

#helluva boss age regression #itty bitty imps #helluva boss agere #age regression fanfic

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