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mingos · 28 days

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oof. so… hello.

i know i’m not obligated to explain my absences, but i figured i should anyway because this is actually a long-standing issue i've been dealing with that, god fucking willing, doesn't happen againーbut that is what i told myself three weeks ago before it happened again. basically, because it can sometimes be so common, kinda just want to give a heads up if i ever start acting weird or distant because apparently i've upset some people i didn't mean to.

that stresses me out because, as i've mentioned before, i kind of have this tendency to shut down completely during stressful situations and not speak to anybody, which eventually turns into friends dropping me for a perceived lack of interest (not their fault, my fault). i'm actively trying to break that habit & be okay with vulnerability, so i want to be honest about where i've been and where i could potentially go in the future if this shit happens againーin a few weeks, in a few months, tomorrow... it all just depends, it's not a situation i can control. i'm not trying to ignore people. i just deal with a lot sometimes.

content warnings immediately below the cut but idk maybe just don’t read this if you’re in a bad headspace, or a really good headspace that you don't want ruined. no one should read this, actually. just jump to the last two paragraphs. this is just me explaining i'll hopefully feel okay enough to be back by the weekend.

cw: alcoholism; cw: domestic abuse; cw: gen. bad mental health

　i currently live in a dysfunctional situation with an alcoholic & addict family member as the last person in our family yet to distance themselves/cut them off. reason being is they relapse a lot. like, “an average of at least once every 2-4 months since i was 14” a lot. this is a long-standing problem. they’ve been through quite literally every treatment plan imaginable and nothing has stuck.

i do love this person; the majority of the time they're not relapsing, they’re kind & loving. when it’s good, it’s good. but when it’s bad jesus christ… i gotta level with you and say i've feared for my life a couple times.

they become angry & spiteful when drunk and, as of the last few years, physical. mostly when i try to confiscate things i find because i'm "stealing their property" and it’s therefore, to their drunk mind, justifiable. this is a mindset i’m still trying to unlearn because of course i don’t deserve it—taking a wine bottle away from an alcoholic for their own good isn’t justification for them almost suffocating you in an attempt to get it back, or breaking the lock on your bedroom door—but it’s hard to internalize that sometimes when your brain is beaten down, y’know?

when not being guilted into silence so i don’t “ruin their life more” or get threatened with being removed from the house by police, i’ve pretty much exhausted any sympathy or help i get from the rest of my family. half of them either have my # blocked or don’t answer under the weird assumption my family member is going to… use my phone to contact them? which is something that’s never happened before. the other half kind of just shrug because i’m choosing to say here and am an adult with the ability to leave whenever i want, just like they did.

　but i can’t leave—because, like i said, it’s just me now. no one else checks on this person, no one else lives with us, and i’ve already had to call 911 for them multiple times. living with them during a relapse is hell but so is whenever i have to leave the house because if something happens to them or their dog that suddenly becomes my fault. basically, whenever these episodes happen it’s just several days (or weeks) of nonstop stress. but there's nothing else i can really do. i just have to put up with it & ride it out.

　things have finally calmed down again; apologies were made, talks were had, we cleaned out their stash together... i finally have some breathing room. kind of. i still have no energy to do anything because i've just been in survival mode the last week (& also sick), so hopefully i can be back to writing by this weekend but i really don't know. i'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen so maybe i'm not out of that mindset just yetーi need to decompress a little before i can feel normal again.

thank you for your patience, and for those who have checked on me & especially those who were understanding it was kind of hard for me to have the energy to talk outside of my one or two comfort people. i miss you all very many and hope nothing more for you all to be loved, warm & safe. love you all very many.

#‘ 001. ’ (out of character)#❛ 'what am i going to queue with law'? ❜ (queue)#will probably delete this eventually because this is honestly a level of Being Perceived that makes me uncomfortable because i feel patheti #but i've met at least two other people in similar situations to me so if there's anybody else out there i see you & love you.

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jointherebellion215 · 2 months

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If It's True

Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen x female!reader

Summary: When an unexpected guest crashes your House's welcome feast for the Harkonnens, your life unknowingly becomes the start of a sad, sad song.

Word Count: 872

TW: Manipulation, Dark!Feyd-Rautha (so Regular Feyd-Rautha), she/her pronouns, AFAB reader, songfic

A/N: Hi, it's your friendly neighborhood shitposter. I'm taking a huge leap of faith with this fic, because I truly haven't written anything in YEARS. This idea has been bouncing around in my head for days, thus "the trilogy was born". This is meant to be Part One of a three part series, based on different songs from the musical Hadestown. I've obviously written this with very very dark interpretations of the songs and the themes. If enough people like it, I'll post parts two and three. Please let me know if it's any good, I'd love some feedback :)

AO3

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Dune properties, characters, or storylines-- nor do I own anything related to Hadestown. The images used in this are not my own, and any similarities to stories other than what I derive inspiration from are strictly coincidence.

What’s the use of his backbone

If he never stands upright?

“We welcome you to Kolhar, my lords Baron and na-Baron. Our House humbly offers our services and facilities to your use. I toast to our continued cooperation and to the strength of our Houses.”

As your father raised his cup, others of our House followed suit. The official welcome feast was well underway, though House Harkonnen had been planetside for at least a week already. The past few days had been for inspecting our mines and factories, ensuring that our production of their ships and swords were up to standard.

Now? Pure pageantry. You found it a bit redundant, but it was necessary to ensure your good standing among the Houses of the Imperium. It was a grand occasion, in which the leaders of your father’s council were present, as well as the highest ranked mine workers.

The doors to the large hall slam open, a familiar figure storming in. Your heart flutters at the sight of your beloved parting the crowds before him. The man who you had met by complete coincidence, one of the workers in a local steel mine, who you had spent the better part of a year meeting in secret—had crashed the court. You noticed a bruise growing on his cheek and blood trickling down his temple, indicating that his journey to enter through the doors was easier said than done. His voice soon bellowed throughout the hall.

“My Lord Duke, I refuse to let your daughter’s hand be taken by the na-Baron. She cannot marry him.”

The crowd gasps, as do you. You had spent the past week showing the na-Baron Feyd-Rautha around the grounds, the training of your most fierce warriors, and the best of your planet’s culture. You had shared a laugh or two and shown your prowess as a leader. Yes, you’d spent quite a bit of time with him, but marriage? This was news to you.

You turn to your father, who gives you an apologetic grimace. Several Harkonnen guards step forward to seize the love of your life. You quickly stand to protest, but the na-Baron stops the guards in their track with a single snap of his fingers. He offers a hand to calm the crowd, an eerie stillness in his form.

“It is true, I have offered my hand to the Lady.”

I believe that with each other,

we are stronger than we know.

“There must be a way around this. Even if this is in defiance of the court, they can’t punish all of us! We work their mines; they couldn’t truly function without us. We are the ones who truly hold the power! I implore you to stand with me, show them our strength!”

Your love stands strong, chin raised in the crowd, voice pleading with his brothers and sisters to stand beside him. He was convinced that this moment could provide a great revelation, that somehow your situation was different. That the consensus of a crowd could make the na-Baron stand down. Surely, your story could convince even the coldest of hearts that love can conquer all. He must have some sentimentality that resonates within him.

That's one of the main reasons why you fell in love with him. He's always so full of hope. Always willing to see the world as it could be, in spite of the way that it actually is.

But you knew better.

“This is treason.” Someone whispers in the room. Murmurs of assent soon follow, and your heart drops. The crowd around him quickly dissipates, as if the mere act of touching him promises death.

And the ones who deal the cards

Are the ones who take the tricks

With their hands over their hearts

While we play the game they fix

You start to plead with your father to spare your lover. He doesn’t know any better, he wasn’t raised in the ways of politics or court. It’s purely out of his love and devotion to you, so please—

Feyd-Rautha stands up and the room is immediately devoid of sound. He cranes his neck to look at you.

“You love him?”

You swallow harshly, lifting your chin. “I do.” You went to your lover, making a bold statement in linking your fingers together. Presenting a united front. Hoping that somehow, your kind attitude the past week towards the na-Baron would allow this leniency.

A gleam flashes through his eyes, almost imperceptible. He gives a blackened smile, making show of placing his hand over his heart. Confusion fills you. He slithers down the steps towards the pair of you, boots echoing in the Feasting Hall, each step making your lover’s hand give a slight tremor. Your mind stands strong in its conviction, in the thought that you’ll have to fight for what you want. But a small tendril in the back of your mind gives the slightest hesitation. The smallest indication of hope. Maybe…

Piter leans towards his Baron, whispering concerns in his ears, but is quickly paused by the Baron’s hand. Vladimir gives a slow, menacing grin. He responds to his Mentat in a low voice,

“Don’t bother. You know that my nephew loves to play with his food.”

Is this how the world is?

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 8 months

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AITA for telling my friend I thought he was autistic and making him cry?

I (25F) have been casual friends with "M" (25M) for several years. We're not super close friends (or at least, I'm not super close to him, I suspect he is more emotionally invested in our friendship than me. Also, according to several classmates back in college, he had a crush on me. Idk, but seems possible based on his actions. I'm gay and now have a gf, he's always been very chill and respectful about any feelings he may or may not have). Honestly, our interests, energy levels, and socializing preferences are not super compatible, but he's a good person, and we've stayed in touch after college, occasionally meeting up every few months for a hike.

For the last 5 years, I assumed he was autistic. I am also autistic (got diagnosed in my teens) and noticed a ton of autistic/neurodivergent traits as soon as I met M. TBH that's one of the big reasons we became and stayed friends, we may not be 100% compatible as friends/people but neither of us have to climb over all the neurotypical social rules and stigmas just to hang out. I've talked about my experiences with autism with him, in a commiserating/companion-type way, and we both talked about our very different childhood experiences with speech therapy and special ed.

Anyways, I had casually told my gf and mom that M's autistic (my mom got diagnosed with autism a few years ago, after I did, and my gf recently got diagnosed after both of us recognized she had similar autistic traits as me). M visited me 2 or 3 months ago and we went hiking, like usual. Afterwards, we were hanging out at my house (I live with my parents, my job's close and there's few apartments here) and M was talking about how he got fired from his job a few months ago, and was having trouble finding a new job. He was about to leave, and I left for a few min. When I came back my mom was telling M about how he should talk with HR at any future job about his autism because he was probably fired in large part due to ableism (I agree ableism played a role in his firing, probably because his bosses were shit at actually communicating and assumed everyone were mind readers). M was pretty obviously uncomfortable, and my mom is not tactful or very sensitive, so I intervened and we left.

The two of us talked for a few min. It turned out that he is Not Autistic (or at least, not diagnosed). I told him the reason my mom thought he was autistic is because I assumed he was and told her. It turns out that he has a lot of shame and negative emotions about his time in speech therapy and special ed as a kid (he had always talked about it as though they were annoying, sometime unnecessary, sometimes helpful, so I didn't know this) and some internalized ableism directed at himself. I mostly talked about my experiences with autism and getting diagnosed, and emphasized that, although I thought he had autism/neurodivergence, I'm not an expert and not trying to tell him what he is, and also that autism (especially for me) is not a bad thing. It was awkward and uncomfy for both of us, and by the end M was visibly very upset. I apologized and let him go. Before he shut the garage door I heard him start to sob. A few hours later (he lives about 2 hrs away) I texted him to apologize and reiterate what I had said earlier. He said it was ok, but idk. We've texted some, and called once since this, but haven't seen each other yet.

You may judge me on any or all of the following (potential) dick moves:

assuming M was autistic without him actually telling me

telling 2 other people he was autistic without his permission or telling him

allowing mom to bring up a sensitive subject like this

how I handled the situation afterwards, including telling M I think he's autistic and talking about myself

any other asshole thing you may ID from this story

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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my-autism-adhd-blog · 8 months

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I have been diagnosed with borderline (I'm female) but I think I may be autistic. I did the raads-r teat and got 165, so I went to my therapist and told her and she said that autism and borderline can share some symptoms and that I can't be autistic because I make eye contact and I make/understand jokes. the thing is it's hard for me to look people I don't know in the eye for a long time, it becomes painful, and when someone is talking and looking at me I'm so concentrated on making eye contact that I don't even listen to what they're saying, and I've told her that. I also don't always get jokes, especially if they're a type of joke I'm not familiar with. I know these two alone don't mean anything, there are more stuff but I just wanted to ask you, what do you think about her answer?

Hi there,

I found an article talking about the differences and similarities:

Individuals diagnosed with BPD based on the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) must exhibit at least 5 of the following 9 traits:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships

Identity disturbance, unstable self- image or sense of self

Chronically feeling “empty”

Impulsive behaviour across two areas in life (e.g. sex and substance use)

Difficulty regulating emotions (often due to heightened reactivity in situations)

Intense anger that is disproportionate to the situation

Recurrent suicidal/self-harm behaviour

Often feeling paranoid and dissociating in times of stress

In addition to the diagnostic traits, here are some common features of BPD:

Described as “manipulative”—using charm to influence the situation

Able to read social cues

Aware of the opinion of others

Able to ‘snap out’ of an outburst

Angry if their needs are not being met

Need for others to support their self-esteem

Switch from idealizing someone to despising them instantly and without provocation

Association with a childhood history of exposure to abuse, neglect, criticism and emotional invalidation

In contrast, here are some common features seen in autism:

Lack of social understanding from an early age

Greater difficulty reading social cues

Needing time away from others; solitude is enjoyable

Sensory sensitivity

History of special interests

Difficulty coping with change and transitions

Self-harm and suicide attempts are less likely to be related to trying to influence others behaviours or bring the focus of attention onto themselves

Why are women more commonly misdiagnosed with BPD?

Autistic women have higher rates of misdiagnosis in part due to our nonstereotypical presentations compared to men. The way we present to the world is often a product of our higher levels of masking and camouflaging. Women also have more social norms to adhere to in the neurotypical world, creating more opportunities for our social “missteps” to be attributed to BPD.

Generally, among women, there is a higher expectation to maintain interpersonal relationships. For example, in neurotypical social groups, women tend to have large superficial social networks. In contrast, autistics usually prefer having fewer closer relationships. Additionally, when we want to build a relationship, we often single out the person we are attracted to, engage in deep conversations on specialized topics, and invite the other person to adopt our routines and interests. Since this is against neurotypical social norms, this is often viewed as an “unhealthy attachment”—a BPD trait. Thus, an undiagnosed autistic woman who struggles to fit in with her peers can easily be “flagged” as having BPD if a clinician doesn’t look at the underlying cause. In comparison, men don’t have as many social expectations, so an autistic man’s non-neurotypical social patterns do not get “flagged” as readily.

Another common cause of misdiagnosis in women is based on our often high motivations to fit in with these social norms. When we work hard to camouflage by practicing social scripts, but inevitably still struggle in relationships with neurotypicals, clinicians may view this as the BPD trait of intensely fearing abandonment. This “fear of abandonment” can also be mischaracterized in instances where we experience distress if a friend cancels last-minute plans. For most autistics, our distress isn’t driven by a fear of abandonment but rather an executive functioning difference. We don’t cope well with sudden changes to our plans, irrespective of who they are with.

Moreover, our higher levels of camouflage often cause us to struggle with our sense of self because we are forced to act in inauthentic ways. However, our lack of self-identity is rooted in this forced inauthenticity, not based on an unstable identity personality trait which is often seen in BPD.

One important consideration in this discussion is that to date, research has done a poor job regarding autism and gender identity. Due to the lack of data collection on this topic, we still don’t know how BPD misdiagnosis affects gender-diverse individuals. This is particularly frustrating since we know that a large proportion of the autistic community is gender-diverse.[28] Since the diagnostic criteria for autism are biased towards a stereotypical presentation of autism—mainly seen in (white) cis-gendered boys—and gender-diverse individuals also mask and camouflage a lot, my assumption is that the rate of BPD misdiagnosis is likely also high in gender-diverse autistic populations.

I will leave the article below so you can read more:

Please keep in mind that you could possibly have both. Autism has a long list of co-occurring disorders.

I hope this helps answer your question. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

#inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open

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jumpingpuddles · 1 month

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Similar situation to you.. I am also 32 turning 33 this year and I still live in my childhood home with my mother. It has been really hard because there has been societal pressure and judgement from people for never having moved out. I also have internalized it over the years. I do feel I'm coming to the age though where it's more ok to live with your parents? Like you say oh my parent is getting older so I want to be there for them and people understand. I have also never told anyone (literally this anon message is the first) that my mom struggles with her mental health and isn't able to live on her own. It's been really hard for me because I've had to give up a lot of things in my personal life to be here for her (dating, etc.). My two sense is, if you don't feel that living with your dad is stopping you from living the life you want to live (relationships, living as an adult) then think about staying. It is nice to have someone to come home to and like you say, you take care of each other. I don't know what you're looking for in life but if you met someone could you all live together? Maybe you'd have to move at that point but you could all move together. With the cost of living now I think its smart to have multi generation homes. At the end of the day, do what feels right for you and anyone who would judge you for that is not worth your time.

Plus it's totally a cultural thing that we have to leave home. The people I know with Asian or South Asian backgrounds are always like, yes of course you still live at home, why would you leave. So don't let societal pressure force you to do something you don't want.

These are just my immediate thoughts on the topic. I have a lot of opinions on it but you don't need a formally written essay so I'll leave it there lol. Basically do what feels right, if it doesn't feel right now another opportunity will come along. Sending you lots of love as you make this decision.

Thank you for this message! Truly!

It has been so nice reading messages from people in similar situations as me. It makes me feel like I'm not weird for living like this and actually enjoying it.

And you're actually so right about how it's getting sort of to the age where it starts to get OK again, from a societal point of view. Like, my dad is getting on in years. He'll be 71 in about a week. His mind is younger and you'd never guess his age, but I notice his hearing is getting worse and there's a lot of stuff I help him with that he just... wouldn't know how to do if I wasn't there (mostly IT stuff). That's at least a good excuse to give people if they wonder why I choose to share an apartment with a parent.

And you taking care of your mother through her struggles with her mental health is lovely. I hope you can find a way to get more time to do what you want to do though. If you want relationships etc, you should be able to have them!

#Ask #Anon

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duchessofostergotlands · 6 months

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Hi! I hope that you are fine.

I have a question for you about Prince Carl Philip's relationship with Princess Sophia.

Did he start his relationship with her when he was in a relationship with another woman? I'm confused because I remembered that it was such a scandal and the press even published a story saying he cheated on his girlfriend with a table dancer but my sister that was older than me says that I remembered the event wrong. We are betting on this, so when we didn't find any information about this, I thought to ask you.

Thank you so much for letting us ask questions!! Even if they are ridiculous.

I'm a bit confused because Sofia wasn't a table dancer. So I don't know if you're asking about two different relationships or if you've just got the wrong job for Sofia. I'm just going to answer the sentence with the question mark for now!!

It was reported that Carl Philip and then girlfriend Emma Pernald were taking a break in October 2008. They were then seen in December for the first time in a while. Then they weren't photographed together again because CP was studying away so they were physically apart, and Emma finally confirmed their split on 4th March 2009 and they'd made the decision to split officially on 1st March. He began a relationship with Sofia in the summer of 2009 - the press reported they first met in July so at least 4 months after the split. So there was no overlap between Sofia and Emma, and I've never heard anyone suggest there was. What you might be thinking of is he was seen sitting next to some women. So in November 2008 - during the time the press were saying they'd separated - he was seen on a night out and there was a girl there. Then a few weeks before the split announcement a photograph surfaced of Carl Philip sitting next to a girl when he was away at uni (this is the picture):

She wasn't a table dancer, she was just an 18 year old uni student. Witnesses said they laughed and so on, but nothing more than that. The stories are actually very similar to the stories about William and Kate from 2007. They were physically separate a lot, there were rumours they'd split, they were seen in a room with women and given it was a club and they were drunk there may have been the odd touch on the arm or leaning in to hear someone better but nothing further than that was witnessed, and then there was an official break up. William and Kate got back together, CP and Emma didn't.

So those are the facts of the story. But to reiterate, something I said about William and Kate - and it applies to all couples - is even if you have video footage of someone having sex with someone who is not their partner, that's not proof of cheating. To prove cheating you have to have some reason to believe the behaviour went against the boundaries of the couple's relationship at that time. Sometimes people are in open relationships where maybe you can be physically intimate with someone else but it can't be emotionally intimate, some people are polyamorous and will have multiple partners who all are romantic partners, some people are in an exclusive relationship most of the time but allow "free passes" for a limited time like when they know they'll be apart for a while, some people are in monogamous relationships but don't have any issue with their partner flirting or touching someone else, some people are on a break so they're deliberately exploring other options to see if they want to be together or not. We all have our own standards for what is or isn't ok in a relationship but we absolutely can't project them on to others and insult people as a result. In this situation, Emma has spoken to the press very freely about their relationship over the years and never mentioned cheating to my knowledge, even when she was pissed at him because he basically told the world he never properly loved her lol. So while you're probably correct that there were stories that he had been in the vicinity of other women while in a relationship, I would say you aren't right that he definitely cheated. And Sofia is not involved anyway!

#ask #anon #prince carl philip #princess sofia #Swedish royal family

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xplrvibes · 4 months

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So new things are coming up from miss singer and other people, la girl is a pretty b to be honest..if some friend do that to me i would be so pissed..she ruined singers and colbys friendship or something they had just to bring her bestie m girl into it all. What a friend she is omg. If i was in love with some guy and my friend did this..i would be so goddamn ANGRY. And the fact that she dont want to talk about this says it all, shes hurt..

Ok, I have seen a lot of random shit being flung around about this entire situation and the players involved over the last few days. Like, I haven't seen such a wild day around these parts since malishkagate '22 lol.

Here's the thing - I actually caught Ms Singer live on tiktok by random chance the other day. I was just scrolling through watching Little House on the Prairie tiktoks (leave me alone) and there she was.

When I came upon her, she was being bombarded with questions about M, Sam and LA Girl, and, for some weird reason, Stas. The Stas question was actually what got to her and she proceeded to give out the following "purely hypothetical" synopsis of events:

She had a group of people she considered friends (M was not one of them from my understanding). A guy came into the mix of this friendgroup, and her friends did something "messed up" to her in relation to this guy. Whatever went down with her friends hurt her, but she doesn't want to give out details and she is sick of people coming in to her chats every day and mentioning the names of the people she doesn't consider friends anymore and asking her to expand on this.

Now, from what I understand, she did mention in a previous live that she had a crush on a guy and her friends knew it and worked behind her back to get her pushed out of the friendgroup this guy was in. I did not see that particular live, so I cannot 100% corroborate that statement, but that is the previous story going around. This story is similar enough to that one that I will give it some form of credence, with the understanding that what we are getting here is one side of the story told in a very vague manner, so there are still many gaps to be filled in.

Anyway, a little while later, she was asked how she met Sam and Colby and she gave this statement (and I transcribed this verbatim): "I knew of them because I knew Katrina. Katrina and I were signed to the same label, so I knew of them, but we never talked. And then, um...in Septemberish, uh...we all went to a like...I'm trying to think of how to like...I don't know. Colby and I became friends and we went to Universal Studios and that was that."

As a sidenote, I highlighted two important phrases out of that - Ms Singer herself claiming that she did not really know snc until September. That means anything pertaining to Ms Singer knowing or dating Colby in March is just categorically untrue, so that's at least one rumor cleared up right there.

But back to LA Girl: I know a lot of things have been said and alleged about her the last couple of days. I cannot 100% prove most of that stuff one way or another, so I'm not even going to speculate. The fans have gone into desperation mode and are now coming up with all kinds of off the wall stuff, some of which I do know is 100% false (Colby having been with Ms Singer since March being one of them), so I've gone into a "do not trust until you can verify" mode right now and that's that.

That being said, I did hear this information come directly from Ms Singer's mouth myself, and in the interest of making sure more misinformation doesn't spread, wanted to share.

It sounds messy, and it sounds very much like these aren't the kind of friends you'd want in your lives - but some of what is going around is just...whew. Pump the brakes.

Pallette cleanser: I'd cast Topher Grace to play Sam in the soap opera adaptation of all this.

#asks #corgi and yachtbach's excellent adventures

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ninjakk · 2 years

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Why the 'like' someone conversation WWX had with JYL was so poignant

The scene where WWX asks his shijie JYL what it feels like to 'like' someone, to me, is a hard pill for me to swall. When I read it, it made my heart ache for a second.

Chapter 71

Wei WuXian, “Why would someone like another person? I mean that kind of like.” Jiang YanLi paused for a moment, musing, “Why are you asking me about this? Do you like someone? What kind of a maiden is she?” Wei WuXian, “No. I won’t like anyone. At least not too much. Wouldn‟t it be the same as putting a rein on my neck?"

There are two sections to this very simple piece of dialogue that really hit home to me. The fact JYL assumes the sex of someone WWX would like was just a heart sinking moment for me. It's not her fault, she's been brought up in a time period when heteronormative ideology was somewhat widespread and she grew up in a house with at least one homophobe - so she is predisposed to assume he only likes girls.

It's a sore spot for me - I'm not going to lie. I have been JYL myself, and I'm not proud of it. I can only blame my ignorance on my age and how rife heteronormative ideology was at the time. But, I still did this to my own brother and it haunts me to this day. I wish I hadn't assumed anything - but I did. I'm lucky my little brother didn't blame me for being so ignorant. At the time, my brother didn't understand his own feelings either. He just knew he felt different and had never liked a girl.

Now people could argue I'm projecting my personal thoughts into this scene - and maybe I am. But I think a lot of people have been in the situation above, when people assume their sexuality as the default hetro and they have a similar reaction. Obviously JYL's passing comment didn't seem to necessarily upset WWX. But to me, his answer is quite telling.

Chapter 71

He states he will not like anyone and it's quite a sad thing to say really. To me, this is because he's never actually felt overly attracted to a girl - he just assumes he won't like any girl that much, because to him he never has. He then covers himself by being silly and making a joke out of the whole thing, insinuating he'd be tied down and that would be a bad thing. We know this isn't how he really feels, because he had saved his first kiss for his 'one'. So the statement and his actions are very contradictory. Because of the heteronormativity he has been subjected to growing up, he is predisposed to assume it must be a girl he has to 'like' and because he doesn't 'like' any girls that much (or perhaps at all?) he has determined that this is something that will never happen for him. This is WWX pretty much confessing he's never had those feelings for a girl. Unfortunately he doesn't understand or realise his feelings for LWJ are of a romantic nature, because he assumes he can only have those feelings for a girl. I actually really feel for him at this point. Thankfully WWX doesn't put much thought into the fact he's never 'liked' a girl enough and as he's a romantic at heart, we can only assume he hopes to still meet his 'one' some day. (Oh sweetheart, you've already met him!)

I've seen a lot of people getting a bit annoyed about others claiming the above question is in relation to LWJ. Now I know it's not really, it's about JYL and JZX. WWX cares very much for his shijie and he is worried about her. He wants to make sure she is happy. But I think it is also slightly at the back of his mind, in relation to LWJ as well. But only subconsciously. He's just returned from seeing him after all. He'd got ghost girls to throw flowers at him in order to obtain his attention. He even just mentioned to JC that he saw LWJ as well! So you can't say LWJ wasn't fresh on his mind.

WWXs mind even drifts back to LWJ after the above conversation. After he reminisces about when he first arrived at Lotus Pier, he starts to think about LWJ and the happy times he had at the CR.

Chapter 71

Squatting in the yard, Wei WuXian put the empty bowl onto the ground. He gazed at the stars sprinkled across the sky, and then smiled. When he ran into Lan WangJi in the streets, he recalled many things from when he was studying at the Cloud Recesses. On a whim, he stopped Lan WangJi, wanting to direct their conversation toward those days as well. But, Lan WangJi reminded him that everything was different from how they were back then.

So, both before and after this conversation about 'liking' someone, WWX's thoughts gravitate towards LWJ. He even smiles about it! It's subconscious, but you can't help but think it's because his heart is trying to tell him something deep within and he is yearning for a simpler, happier time before everything was so complicated and tragic.

#mdzs wwx #mdzs lwj #mdzs wei wuxian #mdzs lan wangji #mdzs novel #wangxian #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #mdzs meta

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little-miss-understood · 1 year

Text

Dame Violette, Prologue

Welcome to the mother of all fix-it fics, something I've had planned for a long while but the disaster that is Season 5 of Miraculous Ladybug has proven to me is needed. This will probably be my definitive work and after it's completed I'm more than likely not going to write anything else for ML. But, this story is in me to be told and I want it out lol.

Anyways, enjoy!

They had lost.

There was no question about it, as Marinette stared up at the figure of Gabriel Agreste in front of her. He had successfully merged the Cat and Ladybug Miraculous, and now as a deranged god he was going to get his reality bending wish. It was the one thing he wanted out of this whole mess, after three years of terrorizing Paris, and she felt utterly despondent and sad in her failure.

His son and her partner, the love of her life, Adrien Agreste stood behind his father. The emotions crossing over his face at this turn of events seemed to be of relief that this was all over. That somehow, his father would come to his senses and that if Marinette could just be understanding, then this whole situation could resolve itself and-

“I wish to go back to when my wife was alive, for us all to be together again as a family!”

Marinette had no time to react. The world went white.

Hi, my name is Marinette! I'm just a normal girl who lives with her two baker parents in Paris. Nothing special about me, nope, nosiree.

Unless you count the weird psychic visions I get. I mean that has to be normal, right?

They're like “mental shocks”. To be honest I'm not really sure why they happen or how they come to me, or even if I'm the only one who gets them. They seem to be steering me in life. Hopefully away from bad things though I never know for sure. Like a shock I got when considering fashion as a career choice, which led to some weird visions of a blonde-haired woman yelling about how something wasn't exceptional and about a man who looked old and stern, how the world of fashion seemed very competitive and not easy to get to the top of, at least not without losing parts of yourself along the way. Because of that I figured maybe engineering would be a better bet, I seem to have a good knack for designing neat things, like diaries with unique locks. I still make clothes occasionally! But they're more for myself or my close friends.

Another shock came when the first class representative elections came up. I thought about running, but memories of a girl who seemed to be overrun with responsibilities for her classmates filled my mind, along with a figure who took advantage who looked very, very similar to Madame Bustier, my homeroom teacher. Because of that it led me to always sit at the back of the class rather than anywhere near the front, not wanting to be noticed. Someone else can take the burden of being leader. There are only two other people who knows about me having such thoughts...having met them both through shocks, I figured they'd understand it if I explained the whole thing outright. Considering how well read one of them is I had hoped maybe she could have had a rational explanation but she just laughed and said it was probably some kind of “gut magic”. The other simply said it was “Awesome”. I might have been offended but they also both wholeheartedly believed me. I don't know why a person believing in me feels so...important, but it does. Like I know my parents do but having someone else besides them is great. I have a small group of two best friends, and that's more than enough for me. Having too many would be spreading myself thin and my downtime is important; I hate being run off my feet. Plus quality is better over quantity, and both of these girls are quality without a doubt. We might as well be sisters now for how entangled our lives have become.

- In a schoolyard, a five-year old Marinette looks around anxiously. It's a brand-new school to her, what with the move her mama and papa had done to a new and larger bakery, and she had to leave behind the friends she made in the previous year. Her papa however had done what he always did, and set her up with a box of macarons for her first day. “Just be yourself, offer one to a classmate. You're going to be fine, my sweet.” But there was a sinking feeling in her stomach. Marinette was expecting something to come her way, something horrible. Something brash. But little did she know, that on the other side of Paris, a decision was made to send a blonde girl of similar age to a private school, along with a boy of a prominent fashion mogul. It was over the objections of her father, a councilman who was hoping to rise to the position of mayor. “It's out of the question, Andre!”, shouted the mother. “She needs to learn what it takes with the right kind of teachers! Besides, this might seal the deal between ourselves and the Agrestes for marriage!” So, one fate was avoided. It was at this point Marinette felt the mental shock. A view into another universe, one were the blonde terror came to the school and immediately started to berate her as low-class, that her macarons were tasteless, and screaming for a young bespectacled red-haired girl to follow her during recess. It was said girl that Marinette saw near the entrance of the school, looking just as lost. The vision of the other universe fresh in her head, she walked over and opened up the box her father had provided. “Hi, my name is Marinette! Would you like a macaron?” The girl seemed to hesitate for a moment, almost as if she was questioning Marinette's motives and if this was, in fact, real. But then she looked down into the box, back towards her, and smiled. “I'm...Sabrina. It's nice to meet you! Um, do you have any strawberry ones?”

- We were inseparable from that day forward, best friends forevermore. Where would I be without Sabrina? Probably some stuttering mess. We each seemed to calm different parts of ourselves; her stopping my anxious “spirals” before they even start, and me encouraging her to stand up for herself. There's a strong mutual respect and understanding between us both; she's smart in the areas I'm not, and in turn I make up where she may falter. While I'm thankful for a lot of the “shocks” and their guidance, that one in particular has a special place in my heart as it gave two souls support and friendship. And two we were, until five years later a shock gave us our “missing” sister.

Friendship Day. An annual scavenger hunt across all of Paris. Usually Sabrina and I don't participate, but a shock a few days ago convinced me to have us both take part this year. The celebrity we were supposed to try and find was Jagged Stone, and that's kind of cool, but at the same time we couldn't work together to try and do it. The rules of the day meant that a new “friend” would be assigned to us at random.

Which is a shame, because Sabrina and I probably could have made short work this whole thing.

My phone buzzed with the first clue, “With one turn of a handle, I can raise the level.” That was easy enough, the Canal Saint-Martin. That wasn't even very far away, maybe a few blocks. I thought back to what was shown to me in the shock while walking towards the canal lock. It was of a girl with black and purple hair and a boy with teal hair. Both of them had their backs turned, so I had no idea what they looked like, but...

...it seemed I was going to meet one of them today. The girl on the bridge looked almost the same as the one in my vision, though shorter somehow? But the hair was a dead giveaway, along with the fact that her clothing also seemed similar.

And that she had her back to me. I guess the best approach would be direct?

“Um, hello!”

That seemed to startle her more than anything, though she slowly turned around. Her face was covered by her hair, and her expression was one of fear. But we briefly locked eyes, and something in her seemed to calm right away. Enough for her to haltingly mumble something out. I barely caught it.

“Hello. I'm Juleka.”

In the end, it turned out she was more scared about searching for Jagged Stone than meeting me; apparently her mother had something against him and she didn't really want Juleka to take part, but was free to do so anyways. Though we kept following the clues, we both eventually gave up the hunt and started to talk more about our lives. It turned out we had a few similar interests, and by the end of the day when we met up with Sabrina I had grown used to Juleka's unique way of speaking French.

It took Sabrina more time to get there, though.

“I couldn't believe it Nettie, all she kept going on about was how “utterly ridiculous” I was! Everything from what I was wearing to if I couldn't get one of the clues right on the first try! I guess I drew the short straw on this whole thing.”

“It's alright Brina, you don't ever have to see her again at least.” I said, putting a supportive arm around her at the same time.

“I hope not. You know how I feel about bullies. But...” She turned her attention to the raven-haired girl sitting on the other side of me. “At least it looks like things were brighter on your end?”

“They were for sure! Juleka, this is Sabrina!”

Juleka's eyes darted up and down Sabrina, as if looking for some kind of hidden intention. After a moment, she breathed a small sigh of relief before letting out a mumble that was similar to what I had heard earlier in the day. Judging from the look on Sabrina's face, she hadn't quite caught what the other girl had said, so I served as a translator.

“She said it's nice to meet you.”

From then on, we were a trio. Three Musketeers, all for one and one for all. I wasn't sure how Juleka would influence us at first, it was only later I realized that her tastes ended up seeping into Sabrina and I unnoticed, enough that all of us were wearing darker clothing by the time we hit our teens, not to mention a nose piercing (for Sabrina) and hair dye (for myself, which more than surprised my parents the day I showed up at home from a sleepover with pink highlights in my black hair). But none of that was a bad thing, if anything we embraced it all. We understood Juleka when very few would bother trying; her accented French could come out sounding low or in mumbles to others, but we knew what she saying. Juleka could be as chaotic as her mother around the right people, and it seemed as though we were her people.

The three of us were together enough that a language was taking form among ourselves; an unholy mix of French, Scottish Gaelic, English, and some Mandarin. Every weekend a sleepover, either at my place, Juleka's houseboat or Sabrina's apartment. Sabrina had in fact been over more times than I could count, largely because her father, Roger, trusted my parents and knew she was in good hands. He worked long hours as a police officer but took a step back from front-line duties as Sabrina got older, not wanting to be in danger and leave Sabrina without a parent. It took Roger...longer to get used to both Juleka and Anarka, her mother, but in the end was won over by a weird shared taste in rock music. Sabrina had told me when he was younger that Roger upheld the law to the letter but had significantly mellowed out over the years, which was good as Anarka didn't exactly park her boat in entirely legal areas. Our first combined sleepover on the Liberty also caused him concern as the boat had ended up in another place entirely overnight, but seeing his daughter happy must have helped warm things over.

Not to mention my own parents helping in that respect, too. I dearly love my papa and my maman; both of them work so hard to keep the bakery running, which means long days and nights, but they always also find ways to make time for me. Occasionally I pitch in, there have even been periods when Sabrina has as well, and they get along with Roger and Anarka. They've even taken on Juleka's brother as a delivery driver!

Oh yes...Luka.

Houseboats aren't exactly meant to be stable. The swaying of the tides prevents that, same as if another boat comes along and tries to pull a smaller one into its wake.

Marinette gingerly took her steps onto the Liberty, the houseboat that belonged to the Couffaine family. It was her first time coming...aboard? She pondered what exactly to call it, as Juleka walked ahead of her. After coming over to her house a few times, the other girl decided that it was time to return the favour.

“And the Captain, my mathair, really wants to meet my new friends.”

This is how Marinette found herself aboard a boat for the first time. Feeling it bob up and down in the water wasn't helping things much, and the sudden sway in the river caused her footing to give way as she felt herself tumble backwards.

But someone caught her. She hadn't even realized someone was behind her, let alone able to catch her fall. But as she stared up into teal blue eyes, Marinette thought back to the boy in her vision from some time back. The boy who had teal hair and his back turned to her.

“Ah, thank you for catching me.”

“It's no trouble, living on a boat has its downsides. I've gotten used to the waves, they're as constant to me now as musical notes.”

That sounded familiar. It was if she had known him, but that couldn't have been possible, they had just met for the first time.

“So, what is your name? Mine is Luka.”

It had slightly caught her off guard, though Marinette should have known that question was coming. “Uh, my name is Mamamarinette!”

As Marinette dug her face into her sleeping bag to hide her shame, she just heard Luka give out a light chuckle.

“Hello, Ma-ma-marinette.”

I can admit to having a small crush on Luka. Love interests tend not to catch my attention until I've been friends with them for a while, something I've found out is being called demisexual. I'm content to let things build further and see where they go, and I think Luka has the same vibe. We haven't really done much aside from ice cream dates here and there. Besides, I only just turned fourteen. There's no need to rush anything, it's not like he's leaving any time soon. Anarka had come back to Paris so that Luka could attend a prestigious music school. Juleka was offered the same but she wasn't quite sure what she wanted to do yet, so of course Sabrina and I jumped at the chance to have her in our class, though it did mean she had to go down a grade because of odd timing.

We were now getting ready to enter our third year of school together. It seemed as though we wouldn't be switching classes, even with the addition of some new people into the school; I didn't pay attention to any of that but Sabrina had found out that not only was the daughter of the Mayor going to be in our school this year, but also the son of some famous fashion designer. Ag...something. Agreste maybe? That name had sounded familiar.

It didn't matter; nothing would change my year too much. Nothing exciting would happen, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm happy being normal, I'm happy in my life, with my friends.

But as I travelled to school, before meeting up with Sabrina and Juleka, little did I know my life would change in a big way. All because I picked up a small butterfly brooch that was lying in a puddle of water. I didn't even notice it at first but a purple jewel caught my sight. Bending down to pick it up, a terrible shock came to me, one of the worst I've ever experienced.

A vision of a girl in a ladybug outfit, a boy in leather made to look like a cat. Some figure calling himself “Hawkmoth”. A box that seemed to be filled with random jewellery. A bunch of mysterious figures that were guarding over said box, but it was stolen from a Temple-

“Nettie!”

I looked down the street and saw Sabrina calling out to me, with Juleka standing next to her. I couldn't just leave the broach, it seemed far too precious for that. Besides, if it gave off such a strong mental vision, maybe that meant that I was supposed to have it? I could always give it up later, and maybe someone was out looking for a piece of lost jewellery. Stuffing it into my pocket, I ran down to meet my friends. After school was over, maybe then I could figure out what to do with it.

For now, my last year at Collège Françoise Dupont was about to begin.

#marinette dupain cheng #juleka couffaine #sabrina raincomprix #butterfly marinette #endgame lukanette

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bookwyrminspiration · 1 year

Note

Debate the pros and cons of the two ships Gigolas (Alternatively Gimleaf, Gimli x Legolas) and Aragolas (Alternatively Leragorn, Aragorn x Legolas). Compare and contrast the two ships. You have half an hour (From the moment you start writing this ask, leave it in your inbox for as long as you wish). Go.

OKAY! Warning I know very little and there is probably a lot wrong or missing here! So right of the bat I'm seeing we've got different species and power dynamics at play

Gimli and Legolas are dwarf4elf, so that may be worth mentioning. If I'm remembering right, Gimli is also the "and my axe!" fucker, and I know Legolas is the shooty mcshootinson bitch, so right away we've got the shared love of weaponry and fighting, though they very likely have incredibly different styles for more reasons than one. Dwarven and elven values and attitudes towards death and violence are likely different, but this is Tolkien so it's probably existence and I'm on limited time here.

Hang on. These are the "never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an elf" people. Okay so here we've got a clear display of their growth (since Gimli was originally distrustful of Legolas' intentions) and how the two characters developed emotionally to put aside their difference and unite, both in battle and emotionally. It's not unreasonable to say that they can take that another route and into relationship territory (not that one is better than the other, just another path to take). Despite their differences, they are, in canon, capable of the necessary growth to make a healthy relationship.

Okay I'm also seeing that they became friends when walking through the woods, and elves are very woodlands creatures, so perhaps we can find a bit of similarity between their interests there. How do the dwarves view nature? Scrap that question I just read in the wiki that he went into the Undying Lands and Tolkien said it was strange that any dwarf would be willing to leave Middle-Earth for any love. I don't have any fucking clue what that means but it feels important.

I'm a third of the way through my time let's look at Aragorn. GOD wiki please tell me what species he is this is ridiculous. Okay he's not an elf but is descended from them? So he's got an unusually long life span? Okay his character description says he's somber and grim, and that kind of outlook might mesh well with an elven one like Legolas'? I'm not actually sure. Something about the seriousness feels like it could match an elven look and help them work together.

His name is also mentioned a lot on Legolas' wiki page, multiple instances of the two of them going through things together (though Gimli is a notable third addition). Found a random site that mentions something about Aragorn's true identity and Legolas defending him to Boromir, which was either when they met or very early on in their meeting. That sets a strong foundation for future relationships and a clear feeling of protection and trust in it, which is beneficial. Listen I have no context for this scene I have no idea who knows what or how they feel about it, but potentially this hinting towards Legolas knowing his identity could've built a bond between them from the get go that forces them to be more careful with each other, and that can lead to interesting dynamics.

There's also the whole matter of similar backgrounds, or at least more similar than Legolas and Gimli. Even if Aragorn's got a whole complicated situation with his race he was raised by Elrond in Rivendell (i think?) so he's got some elven thinking. If Elrond is indeed an elf but I've got six minutes so I'm not checking. And Legolas is Legolas, raised however he was. He's pretty clearly and elf, but the one thing that trips me up here is that he was "unimpressed" when he came to Rivendell to see the council of Elrond, as it displays that perhaps these two elven backgrounds may be as different as Gimli and Legolas' differences.

My other thought is that when I was key word searching through all their profiles, more often than not all of their names were coming up together. They seem to be a trio for a lot of the story, so why try to decide between a pairing? Why not all three of them if they're bonded so and endured so much together? Legolas has two hands, after all. But then I'd also have to get into what Gimli and Aragorn's relationship is like to see if it would be a triangle sort of a pairing or if they were both dating Legolas but not each other.

I think my final conclusion is that I can understand the shipping either way, but I don't think either one is superior to the other. Gimli and Legolas seem fun for the dynamics and depth they bring, and Aragorn and Legolas sound entertaining for the subtlety and intrigue. But also this was just thirty minutes of frantic skimming articles and trying desperately to remember my limited lotr knowledge.

I would like to thank the orchestral version of all star by smash mouth for fueling this chaotic splurge of words. The years start coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop comin--

#lotr #gigolas #aragolas #quil's queries #nonsie #long post #this was fun nonsie! thank you for the entertainment on this fine thursday morning #sorry lotr mutuals for the butchery of their characters like this #i am operating off watching the movies once several years ago and having read like. the first third of the first book #whichever one is after the hobbit #the fellowship?#of the ring?#who knows! not me!

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leighlew3 · 1 year

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Hi Leigh. I hope you’re feeling okay. And if you’re not, that’s fine too. We all love you and are here for you.

I know it’s probably not the best time to discuss my concern but like ptsd sometimes ruins my head and I feel extremely paranoid if I don’t try to protect someone I care about.

What I’m trying to say is(and this is entirely presuming through some of your previous posts) that sometimes you do more than your sibling. Which doesn’t mean that it’s bad unless…..it’s sort of intentional in his part?

Once again I’m sorry if this makes you mad and I get it, family can be complicated and I’m just a stranger trying to give you unsolicited advice.

I have a reason to do so and that is I’ve seen my mom under the shadows of her brother. Considering he was a monster and I’m assuming your brother isn’t. Because I only know just one part of his life. However, I’m trying to advice you(sorry for the unsolicited advice btw) because my uncle is a horrendous man. When my granny got cancer and was on her death bed, it was almost the exact situation that you had described in one of your posts. And so I got flashbacks of that time(ptsd??) and I have to admit my uncle is probably way worse considering he tried to sexually assault me when I was 10. But that’s besides the point. What I’m getting to here is that it took years for mom to recognise the behaviour and the nature of her brother until she snapped and then completely cut him off for good. But all those years, she suffered under his tyranny (?) and unfortunately I had to deal with it too.

I just hope that if your case is similar even just a little to what I described, just think about it as a whole. That’s all. I’m not telling you what to do. All I’m saying is be careful.

Much love ❤️

First, thank you, and I'm so sorry you went through that. 💜

So, my brother... was always a genuinely good guy who did the right things, when it counted most at least, especially compared to our evil, abuser 'father'. Unfortunately, he's lately been going through some sort of early mid-life crisis or something, I dunno. But he's just abandoned a lot of people and responsibilities he shouldn't. Things and people that should mean the most are now on the bottom of the priority list.

I've always taken care of our mom single-handedly. I think he's chipped in financially, barely, like... a couple minor times. And for a long time he made more money than I did, so there was no excuse. He just always even as kids amidst trauma -- checked out. His way to deal was to just... not. To run away. To shut it out. Go about his life. Leaving us to survive alone, etc at the time.

Anyway, it broke my heart when I told him this last Christmas might be our last with mom, and to please come, she wanted to be with him and the boys (my nephews) for Christmas, badly. And he instead decided to spend it with his new girlfriend of (at the time) 2 months. The boys were devastated because they could tell grandmama's health was declining and they wanted to be with her/us for Christmas...

Now, after her death, the oldest (15) has said, "Well, we didn't get to see her for Christmas and now she's gone." and the youngest (11, an extra sensitive young soul) hasn't stopped crying fairly regularly since she died. They were already dealing with their parents' split a year or so go, and then their dad basically checking out the second he met the new girlfriend. And now they lost their grandmama who loved them SO much and made them her whole world in the way she made her own children (us) her whole world.

Mom did the best she could for us under hellish circumstances, and she was not perfect, but she was a GOOD mom who loved her two children, would die for her children, always put us first above ALL, including and especially herself. She loved and cared for him so much and he just abandoned her. But for me I always saw no other option BUT taking care of her. She took care of me the first 18 years of her life. So I took care of her the last 18 or so years of hers. I told her she could retire as a teacher's aide and I'd take care of her when her back and legs got bad after years of steroid use due to her asthma + years of abuse. I took care of her, and us. For so long. And in the very end, her last year or so, I was the one bathing her, cleaning up her bowel movement bags, helping her get to the commode by her bed, I was the one feeding her, bringing her her pills, and bankrupting myself on her medical costs -- even as I myself was dealing with long COVID exhaustion/heart/BP issues. To the point that she and I even started having issues of emotional conflict due to both of us being so fucking TIRED and exhausted and frustrated, her suffering, me exhausted and at wits end mental health wise in every way. Those are things I'll forever have to live with and try to process and forgive myself for but at the hospital one night I washed her hair and face and put her lipstick on her and she forgave me for my moments of frustration, and gently thanked me for taking care of her, especially because I was the only one who ever did...

Anyway, I asked him, in order to make room for her hospice bed while she was in the hospital, if he would grab some bed cover bags for the beds to go into my storage, so hospice had room to install her literal death bed. I hadn't slept in a week, being at the hospital anywhere from 5-12 hours a day to be sure she was being treated right and wasn't alone. She hated being there alone and I refused to let her be alone. I was exhausted. His ex wife was there at the hospital with mom to relieve me more than he was. She's been there for me this whole time in ways that if I hadn't had her, I don't think I would've made it through.

So, I was running around making sure mom's whole room was redone for her comfort, the equipment, etc (for what wound up being 2.5 days before she died, but at least I got her home in time and she passed at home like I always promised her I would make sure she did) -- and I just needed him to grab $10 plastic covers from U-Haul and come help me move the beds. He came to help me move the bed, but claimed her couldn't buy the bed covers (?!). He came by a total of... 3-4 times, briefly, throughout the hospital / hospice / hell final days because his priority was his new girlfriend and her children, over his own dying mother, his sister who was exhausted, and his sons who were devastated and hurting and trying to process it all.

I love my brother, I always will, but in her final days he broke her heart. He abandoned me. And now she's gone and aside from him holding me for 30 seconds the night she died (the first time he's really hugged me in half our life) -- he hasn't even called or texted since she died, or the memorial, to ask if I'm okay. He hasn't checked on me. He's just... living his life.

One of mom's dying wishes, I even have on tape, was telling him to take care of his little sister (me) and his sons (especially due to recent events that were devastating her around all that).

And I'm breaking. And I'm not okay.

But this is where it's that thing... where it's always been mom and me, just us, against the world, on our own, no matter who else came or went. No matter what, we at least had each other.

But now she's gone.

I don't have my mom anymore, my best friend, my confidant, my biggest champion and defender... my world is gone. Half my heart and soul is gone. And I don't even have my brother either, really. Barely ever have. I took care of our mom alone most of my adult life while he got to live his. And I'm angry with him for abandoning us all this time and putting it all on me, but especially at the end. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past that. My mom always thought he'd come around, she only ever wanted to see the best in him, and it's heartbreaking. She loved him so much, just as much as she loved me even though I was the one who was always there for her... because she couldn't ever really face that he just... wasn't there, and wasn't going to be there.

But I was. Even in the end. And now I'm broken.

But he's just living his life.

And none of that seems fair.

But that's life, I guess.

#personal #crying as i type this #i've cried more the last month than in my entire life #i dont usually cry #so #yeah

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mahalshairyballs · 2 years

Text

I've been thinking again about 616!Marc and MCU!Marc and about trash baby Matty and...

Who is really the most violent of the two, Jake or Marc ?

(Plot-twist it's Steven lmao/jk)

How do we define what's 'most violent' ?

We've never actually seen Marc punish someone in the show for Khonshu.

He's been working for Khonshu, he's killed in self-defense but we haven't seen him "protect the travelers of the night' like he usually did. What does it look like? How does he do it ?

It reminds me of what Oscar said about Khonshu who could be seen as a metaphor...

I think the one who can go into unbridled rage is Marc, not Jake (well Jake can too but only in very specific situations and they haven't happened yet).

Khonshu was right, Marc enjoys punishing people. It's after the fact that he regrets it. That he feels horrible about having enjoyed it. That he thinks his mom was right about him...

Which is very similar to at least season 1 Matt Murdock : he does enjoy hurting the bad guys. That darkness inside him, that 'devil' he lets out, he tries to harness it for good, but himself and people he loves worry it'll push him to become the very thing he hates.

Marc is the same. If he saw an abuser, any sort of abuser, and Khonshu told him to go make that abuser pay ? He did it, with all the fury of a vengeful spirit. Once it was done however, that person's death just added to his already tremendous guilt. Marc didn't really thought rationally about what he did, he just had this thirst for vengeance that Khonshu took advantage of.

Remember that flashback when he first met Khonshu ? Marc wasn't going to accept Khonshu's proposal at first. Partly because he thought he was hallucinating, partly because he just wanted to end it. When Khonshu first said 'I'm in search of a warrior' Marc replied 'good luck with that',

then Khonshu talked about vengeance and punishing abusers. Then Marc listened...and let Khonshu into his heart, that's why Khonshu started to appear physically to him then.

In some comics storyline Marc is the most violent one. He needs Jake and Steven to rein him in. So I did like I did with Jake and blended all versions of Marc into one. So I think this element is still partially true for MCU!Marc. Contrary to what Marc thinks of himself though, he's not always violent or inherently so (none of them are) but he has those moments of blind rage when he sees people being abused.

Khonshu only took advantage and profited from that. It was already there within Marc.

And if he's not stopped, sometimes even Jake could say 'wow that was intense Marc'.

So then we can ask, why was Marc so alarmed when he came back from his blackouts where Jake replaced him?

A few things. One, who wouldn't? It's not because he's used to killing bad guys that he wouldn't be shocked to awaken in front of freshly dead bodies he doesn't remember killing. It takes the top position within the fear of losing control of yourself : waking up having killed people you didn't remember killing and you didn't want to kill. Marc didn't even know if these guys 'deserved' to die. Not everyone deserves to die in Marc's mind, and he already feels bad enough after killing the ones who do 'deserve to die' in his mind.

And two, yeah Marc only wants to kill abusers, he doesn't want to kill innocent people, or even people who aren't horrible. How does he know who Jake is killing? How can he control who Jake can kill ?

So what about Jake ?

Well, it's very hard to say whether Jake is more violent, brutal or if he kills more than Marc does. And I don't think I'll ever say it's one more than the other, that's not very relevant to me. What we do know, is that Jake is more efficient. He has a particular set of skills. Which tells me that Jake is less sloppy, less full of rage when he kills ?

Jake is definitely not emotionless when he kills/hurts people (psychopath stereotype shoooo, go away *wave hands*), but he doesn't feel an all incompassing emotion that skew his judgment either. Actually, he might feel at least satisfied of what he's doing. He takes his role, his job, his duty, seriously. And being Moon Knight is just an extension of what he was already doing for the system. Protecting the vulnerable, making the bad guys pay. He could even be proud of it, proud of how he does it too. You gotta take pride in what you can right? He has a few talents, and that's one of them. I truly think Jake thinks he's doing the right thing, he truly believes in Khonshu's crusade.

Jake is a professional. And he won't leave any loose ends. He'll always win.

We didn't get much from Jake in season 1, but from the one line we got from him in the aftercredit, that's what I could read out of it.

Remember when I said Jake is very emotional on the inside? That still applies there...kinda. He does feel all those things when he does 'his duty', but being the weird dude with weird priorities he is, he gets way more emotional in other situations. This all goes down again to : what he's used to deal with and what's new to him. He gets way more emotional for the latter.

So now, back to Marc (and Steven) and a bit on where they would be after season 1.

I liked the closing line that Steven said 'we'd rather go save the world'. It can mean a few different things. One of them is part of Steven's story-arc. Steven has learned to enjoy adventures and being a hero. And with Marc's help and his newfound confidence, Steven can handle himself in heroing situations.

So post-season 1 Steven might want to keep being a hero in some ways. A more 'normal' one with no powers, and not killing anyone, but still fighting for people who need help. He'll be enthusiastic about finding ways to do that, and would want Marc to join him in this endeavor.

Marc's like for his depression hatred towards abusers and violent tendencies aren't gone because Khonshu is (seemingly) gone. I'd see them stumble across a crime scene that's about to happen/in-action and Marc just losing it.

Steven waking up somewhere later, clothes covered in blood.

Steven 'What happened!?!' What did Jake do !?!

Marc 'I'm really sorry Steven, I...I saw [guy abusing someone] and couldn't stop'

Steven 'you did this !?! Marc ! We...we're covered in blood!'

Marc 'I'm sorry'

Steven 'we don't have the suit anymore, it won't just disappear! We...we could be arrested!'

Or even, this could be how Marc finds out they're still Moon Knight.

He's facing an abuser, he's full of hate and rage and wishes he had something to kill that piece of shit right on the spot. But he doesn't have a gun, not even a knife with him, nothing. Only his bare hands. If only he could summon his moonarangs again, it would be quick.

And then he feels his fist closing around something. He looks down. It's his moonarang. What. His fist is wearing a white glove too...the Moon Knight suit is on him....what.the.fuck.

Jake will have some explaining to do.

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astriiformes · 2 years

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How were you able to continue with viola playing after school? I ask because I'm a musician too, but since graduating and losing my band I've been having a hard time picking it up because I really miss playing with others.

Ohhh this is a solid question. It was a real challenge for me at first, too, and I've talked to a lot of folks in similar situations -- options for non-professional communal music are sadly a lot sparser than they ought to be. But there are still some options!

I stumbled into playing again through the filk community -- which if you're not familiar with filk, is a sort of fan music folk tradition that arose from sci-fi cons in the older days of fandom and is still kicking these days, albeit with less reputation amongst younger fans than I think it deserves! Filk presents a unique opportunity in that it isn't just about writing and recording songs, but very much about going to filk conventions (or cons with filk tracks) and singing and playing those songs with other people. It's all very folk music, and folk music remains one of the musical traditions that leaves a fair bit of room for non- or semi-professional musicians.

From there things have sort of spiderwebbed. My duo partner and I met two folks at a filk con who helped us record our first EP (and who we hope to have help us record an album soon, too). We've also been invited and applied to do concerts at several conventions -- both in-person and virtual, although there's something really special about the in-person ones. We've also done a fair number of online streams for folks to tune in to, which can be a nice way to share music more informally. A decent number of virtual filk conventions and casual circles also sprung up during the pandemic, although my participation in those has been less frequent than I'd like.

That said, if that doesn't sound so much your style (although I'd really encourage looking into it -- the community aspect is huge and everyone I've met in filk is genuinely SO welcoming, which has in turn really encouraged me to stick with and work on my playing), there are definitely still other options. When I was in high school, I played in a community orchestra that was pretty cool about anyone joining, and while I haven't found any that are quite that open where I live now, there are some similar ones -- including a no-audition queer orchestra that I really hope to at least do a concert with some day (it's just a bit of a time commitment for me right now....). I'd definitely recommend researching if there are any opportunities like that there.

Honestly I think the big thing to keep in mind is that there are a lot of adults in similar positions and if you can find them -- in a community orchestra, at a convention, even online -- the opportunities end up sort of following from there. When I was wandering around our local con with my viola as Raine I ended up running into an acquaintance who had brought their violin and we got to talking about how we both missed ensemble playing and threw around the idea of putting together a quartet sometime (which I need to follow up on...), and I think that's a really good example of how music can breed music if you're willing to just start... somewhere.

Anyways, I know this is rambling and may or may not totally apply to the type of music you want to be making, but I hope it helps get some gears turning in your head at least. And if you ever want to ask more specific questions -- especially about filk, which I can talk about in a lot more detail if you're interested in getting involved with the community -- my inbox remains open!

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furys-mercy · 11 months

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For you: A) Why are you excited about this character? B) What inspired you to create them? || For all your charas: 30) Who do they most regret meeting? 12) How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach? [Tumblr please let us do paragraphs]

Answering the first two about Mercer since this is his blog. :D

Why are you excited about this character?

I think I'm excited about Mercer because of the amount of time I have spent playing him. He's five years old at this point and has been through a ton and grown so much. I adore where he has been and I am so excited to see where he ends up!

What inspired you to create them?

I'm not sure where the inspiration for Merc really came from. I have always enjoyed playing tek leaning characters. From my Technomancer Tremere in Vampire: The Masquerade, to my Matter Mage in Mage: The Awakening, and then to my Izzet Goblin in a Ravnika game. It's something that really appeals to me and something I like to iterate on from different angles and settings and see what I can do within the new set of rules. I'd wager that's where he really started. I wanted to play with technology as it's seen in XIV. And I've really had a blast with it. Who do they most regret meeting?

Mercer - One past partner that he's loathe to talk about in any capacity. This probably isn't entirely rational, but he's clinging to the anger he felt in that moment and isn't inclined to let it go.

Sebastian - Does his elder brother Dacien count? I'm not sure he wishes they had never met so much as he wishes Dacien had never been born, but... similar concept.

Marcette - Sebastian. Or, at least, that is what she thinks she feels about him. In all honesty, Sebastian has been her only real companion for so long that were she to lose him she'd be entirely alone. Their relationship isn't exactly healthy, but neither one of them would have fared as well as they have without the other. It's going to have to be a work in progress. But currently she tells herself she hates him and regrets acknowledging his existence.

Teo - His philosophy on life makes it difficult for him to actually regret any action he's ever taken, including meeting people that he has since decided he is not a fan of. Because he sees his life as his story and he views every single little moment as important to his story and its eventual conclusion, he just sees everything and everyone as important. It was supposed to happen to get him to the ending fate has decreed. And therefore he cannot regret it.

Kishar - Everyone. Ok, that is not entirely true. She doesn't regret meeting the other shards of Icarus. Even if both Teo and Khala make her wonder how they could possibly be shards of the same soul, the fact remains that they are. And therefore they are a part of her. And she couldn't possibly regret meeting parts of herself. But, outside of that, she's distant. She doesn't want connections and will go out of her way not to make them. Accidental connections make her grumpy and she tends to regret them.

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

Mercer - "Ask one'a m'partners ta get in? An' if they can't, well... there's walls 'round. Or Gadget. Though, he don't like touchin' me. Which... tha's fair. I try not ta ask 'im ta."

Sebastian - "My valet would, undoubtedly, be more than happy to assist me should such a situation arise."

Marcette - The lady turns her nose up at the question, completely ignoring it. "It seems my tea has gone cold. Do be a dear and refrehs it for me."

Teo - The Viis tilts his head to the side as he thinks, one long white ear flopping over the other. "If Ivan was not there to assist, a tree branch would do. Though, I would prefer Ivan."

Kishar - The voidsent bares her teeth. "You will find there is nothing truly out of my reach."

Thanks for the asks, @set2zero!! I appreciate it!

#asks #asked and answered #ask me anything #ic ask #ooc

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mountaingoatsmiddlemostlineaday · 2 years

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if we're saw posting on mountain goat main, i'd like to talk about my ideas on lawrence, adam, and marduk t-shirt men's room incident.

some spoilers for saw, obviously. i'd recommend you watch the movies with little spoilers going in, if you want to watch them at all, that is. i'm going to reference some things from later movies, but nothing incredibly spoilery. also, this will be long

recently i've been thinking a lot about the saw movies (thank you first line + my friend who i've been watching the movies with recently)

you don't have to think about amanda here, but i love her so much and really. she does fit into this scenario that happens after the first movie (in my head)

in particular, mtsmri REALLY reminds me of this first movie, but specifically the aftermath with lawrence and everything that he saw (ha) and went through when he was in the bathroom from adam.

right off the bat, we're introduced to the narrator being in a public bathroom of sorts, with a girl who is sweaty enough to look legitimately wet. he's drawn to this girl, he wants to know (at least a little bit) what happened to her.

here, i like to imagine that they're at the jigsaw survivours group

i know, from watching other movies, of the implication that lawrence has seen amanda after both their run-ins with jigsaw. they are aware of each other. i have a scene in my mind of lawrence running into amanda one day, in a scene a lot like this (dr gordon has become divorced lol) and him instantly being reminded of adam. from the drowned look to the taste in clothes.

adam who was a lot like amanda in a lot of ways. they had similar attitudes when it came to life, similar music tastes, interests, life situations, everything. in fact, there's even a deleted scene where he meets her in saw iii. while i don't know that adam would've talked about this, i think it could be a fun little detail if he had. just another thing to reinforce the idea that they are two sides of a single coin to lawrence

there's a lot of things to unpack in these lyrics, but hear me out:

lawrence doesn't have much of a reason to care about amanda other than having a shared experience. but again, he knows her. he recognizes her, she reminds him of adam.

specifically adam in his last moments if this scenario is what we're going with. unable to cling onto anything than the idea that lawrence is going to come back with help and the guilt that lawrence feels after from not being able to do that. he's so wrapped up in his recent past experience that he can't help but think of adam here, even if he can't see her face properly. even if it's wrong, in some way, to do so.

but again, he doesn't really know amanda. it would be kind of weird to stop her, or even talk to her here. what would she think, or say, from what she knows about his trap? in his mind, for a moment or two, she's no one other than a man he met who, in part, forever changed his life.

these last two bits are both direction to amanda (there's a lot of media attention that's given to people who survive traps) and himself. try not to let anyone notice you and bring back those traumas, try not to let anyone know that you are the person who went through those traumas. but more importantly, he's trying his best to forget.

here is really upp to interpretation.

does lawrence wish that amanda was adam? does he feel guilty about that?

does he trick himself into thinking that maybe, somehow, adam is still somewhat connected to him? that he's alive and well as he can be? or perhaps that he's now a ghost connected to lawrence's psyche as a way of coping?

does he hope that that's what he, himself can be?

there's no resolution to this, i just love them a lot. alright. see you soon when i post another lyric in (checks watch) three months

#saw #not a middlemost line

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hypnoticwinter · 10 months

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What I learned from losing a friend

I lost a friend a while ago. I hate to say it but I only mean that in the terribly boring 'had an argument and now we aren't talking' sense and not the vaguely more interesting 'they died' sense. I had met them on here; they're a very talented artist. You might actually know who I'm talking about, if I told you the name of their blog.

We became friends in a very casual way. I messaged them out of nowhere telling them how much I liked their art and we got into a very long conversation about it, and gradually we began talking more and more. All in all I think there was a period of about a year or so, with some gaps, where we were talking almost every day.

For someone who's innately lonely making and losing a friend are two sides of the same coin, but the beginning of a friendship I think is always the best part. There's so much to share with each other. We shared a lot of art and music, for the most part. There are so many songs saved on my computer that instantly remind me of them when I hear them. They live in a time zone three hours before mine, so I would routinely stay up very late where I could just so I could keep talking to me.

Making a friend is a little bit like falling in love. At the beginning, all you see are the attractive parts. It's only once you become used to someone and you can look at them a little more critically that you start to notice flaws. And it's easy to delude yourself, especially with online friends, that the person you're speaking to is really quite different from who they actually are. We imagine (or at least I do) people better than they actually are, and we make assumptions for really baseless reasons about who people are and what they want.

I suppose it might seem like I was leading up to some kind of story about how this friend abused my trust or something, but it really isn't that. On the contrary, my friend is one of the kindest people I've ever met. They have a very soft demeanor and we got along very well because of it. There were some points during our friendship where I was going through some very emotional moments in my life and they were always there for me. It's more than I deserved, really.

But I gradually realized, as time went on, that there was something a little off. My friend was always very careful not to share any details about their personal life with me unless it was in very abstract terms. I know what state they live in (assuming that wasn't just a lie), and I know they have a job, but I don't know what their name is, or what sort of work they do, or where they live. I don't know any of their friends' names, or what they look like, or what their family life is like. I asked a couple times at the very start of our friendship for things like that, just out of curiosity of course, and I was told in no uncertain terms that my friend didn't want to share anything like that with me or anybody else online under any circumstances.

I'm not upset about that, although I think at the end my friend might have thought I was. I don't have any right to that kind of information, and you can certainly be friends with someone without sharing anything like that. I didn't volunteer too much information like that myself, although if they had asked I would have told them without any compunctions. I told them one time that I did want to know more about them and that I was curious, as anybody would be in a similar situation, but when that was rebuffed it didn't make a difference to me and they were still my friend.

But the issue, and what eventually lead to the end of our friendship, was my gradual realization that my friend wasn't treating me like a friend. No, not by not sharing those parts of their life with me; by a complete lack of faith and trust in me acting as a friend to them.

That's a little abstract, of course, so let me explain. The very moment our conversation began to stray anywhere even remotely close to a topic that would require them to provide personal information that might, even on a remote level, identify them, you could immediately identify that they were starting to shut down. Their answers became very short and clipped and cautious and so on, and if I didn't navigate the conversation in a different direction, it would die.

But I wasn't intentionally asking about things like that, I wasn't badgering them about it or anything, it was simply a product of conversations sometimes wandering into topics like that. I was always very careful not to intentionally ask about their life since I knew they didn't want to share.

To be friends there needs to be, on a certain level, some trust. What I was receiving, essentially, was no trust; if I had been trusted, there would be the understanding that I wasn't trying to pry into their life, that sometimes conversations just wander in that direction. They could have observed that I tried very hard not to ask questions of them that might be too personal and realized that I was trying to stay within their boundaries. Instead, it was almost like everything I said to them had to go through an examination first, and if anything even vaguely resembling a personal question had slipped in, no matter how accidentally, they were going to shut down.

The point of this post isn't to point fingers. I'm not going to pretend that I was a perfect friend to them; there were plenty of times that I was apathetic, or not compassionate, or simply didn't have time to give them responses that they deserved.

But I did trust them. I trusted them to such a degree that I would censor myself before speaking with them; I would go over everything I would write and rewrite things if I thought they might suggest anything too personal because I didn't want them to get upset with me and think I was trying to pry. I remember one time, I spent about ten minutes writing and rewriting a sentence because no matter what I did with it, it still came across as too personal. I took so long on it that they messaged me asking if I was still there, and I deleted the message and started talking about something else.

Eventually, it ended when I had finally gotten fed up and mentioned to them that I didn't feel like they trusted me very much, and they cut things off after that. It was almost comically quick how fast we went from talking every day to not talking at all. There was no meeting me halfway on that one, there was no reflection that maybe they weren't being very trusting of a friend they'd had for a year at that point, there was no attempt to change; just an immediate response.

And that's their right, of course. I'm not upset about that, no matter how much it hurt. What that did was tell me, 'there is a specific amount of non-quantifiables you are worth to me as a friend and that one sentence, that single sentence telling me you don't feel trusted, puts you over the limit.'

What I learned from losing a friend was that, in fact, we were never friends. We were never friends because there was never, not in the entire time we talked, any trust. The trust was a one-way street, going from me to them. That conversation and that ending to that friendship could have happened at any point, from one week in to five years in, I think, and it wouldn't have changed anything about it because that line in the sand was always there and it had never changed, I had just never approached it closely enough before. I wasn't a friend to them, I was more like entertainment. Maybe that sounds bitter but I'm realizing that that's really what I was; I was somebody to talk to who wasn't going to be too threatening or personal, but with the constant assumption that at some point I would get too uppity, I would become too personal, and then I would have to be discarded.

What I learned from losing a friend was that some things just aren't worth it. I could probably have clawed my good graces back, if I had apologized and said it wasn't a big deal to me, if I had made the appropriate gestures. I think I probably could have calmed them down and repaired things. We probably would still be talking to this day.

But we still wouldn't have been friends.

And that's why I didn't do that.

For what it's worth though, I do still love them. I had never had the guts to say that to them while we were talking cause I had the (probably correct) assumption that it would have been too personal, but I really did love them the way you love a friend. I feel sad about them almost every day. I've never had less confidence in something I've done, in a major decision I've made, than in my decision to just let them go. I see their posts sometimes and still feel a little sad about them, hear songs they sent me and think about them and start feeling a little down. I hope they're doing okay, and I hope they know that I miss them, or at least that they suspect that I miss them.

But life is too short to spend it chasing after people who will not, for what are probably very good personal reasons, slow down and wait for me. I hope that doing what they did made them feel safer, or less stressed, or better about themselves in some way. I hope it was worth it. That's not me being spiteful, I really do hope it was worth it for them, that the relief of not having me around outweighs whatever pain might be associated with not having me around.

I do hope, though, that they never have to be on the receiving end of that, that horrible feeling of realizing that you have been calculated and that you are not worth it. Because even if it's someone who very plainly is not your friend doing that, it really hurts.

#writing #reflections

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