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rainbow--skies · 10 months

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I don't talk about my food allergies much on here because them being the One Thing half my classmates knew about me growing up and the excessive paranoia my parents shoved on me about them genuinely makes me hate doing so, and I also don't really PERSONALLY consider my allergies a disability (but I have no problem with other people doing so).

However I have noticed that whenever they get included in disability posts on here, it's always by people without food allergies who have barely any idea what the fuck they're talking about. So many people (including people with allergies!) are SO uninformed about how they work and it's worrying so here's some stuff I wish more people knew:

An Epi-Pen does not cure you it helps with some of the symptoms so you can get to the fucking hospital. You still need to go to the fucking hospital.

Food allergies CAN kill you- many people's are not that severe but they CAN kill you. Take them seriously please

Your little "haha people with food allergies are the weakest link" jokes are harmful and offensive and part of why so many people don't take allergies seriously. Stop it. You're not funny. Find a better joke. So many mainstream TV shows even do this it's disheartening

Many people with food allergies also have eczema (I used to when I was younger) or asthma (I don't but I know people who have both), the comorbidities are very common, but not universal

Airborne allergies are not very common at all and usually do not cause severe reactions and it's weird to me that people act like this is common (it kind of feels like excuse to isolate people with food allergies when food is being served sometimes) but if someone has said they do not want to be near their allergen at all you should respect this you do not know what someone's symptoms are

Cross contamination is also something not everyone suffers from (some people have low level allergies) but many of us do (including me) and you should not get offended if someone doesn't accept food they can't see ingredients/health info for or homemade food for that reason

You can be allergic to any food to any degree- people seem to have this weird misconception that it's just peanuts, nuts, dairy, eggs, and other more publicized foods but that's not true at all

If it's possible, ask people what they would prefer as an accommodation when food is being served PLEASE. Some of us would rather eat before, some would rather bring food, some would rather alternative options be offered or restaurants they can eat at be chosen. Some are fine sitting near people eating stuff we can't, some would rather sit in a separate space, and some would rather if the food was just not eaten when they are present at all. Myself and many others that I know actually would rather sit next to someone eating something we can't because it doesn't actually affect us to be near them if we're careful enough not to touch it than to sit at separate "allergen free" tables and such because it's a socially isolating experience, but there are people who would feel more comfortable eating away from others and this is okay too.

Many of us are only allergic to one or two things, some are allergic to a ton

There are less common types of allergies that don't follow the typical pattern of food allergies- as an example I have some allergies that come from oral allergy syndrome, which basically means that my seasonal allergies to certain types of pollen makes me slightly allergic to some fruits and vegetables too

Food allergies can sometimes randomly develop in teenagers and adults, they are not always there from birth or early childhood like many people think (though it's incredibly common for them to start that early). There is not a guarantee you will never get one but your chances are higher if your family has a history of them. Sometimes they can go away or decrease in severity over time too, though, but that does NOT happen to everybody

Lactose intolerance and Celiac Disease are not food allergies! They are separate conditions with separate symptoms and needs! Please educate yourselves about those too and not assume they are synonymous with food allergies

#rainbow's mind 24/7 #important #allergies #food allergies #reblogs okay and actually appreciated btw

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tyrannuspitch · 2 months

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as a trans gay guy, my relationship to the concept of the butch/transmasc overlap is so so weird. because on one level it's by and large a real social phenomenon that underlies a lot of common experiences and draws communities together and so on. but then on another level. like. some of us (transmascs) just Are Not Butch. i recently read fun home, and i was really struck by bechdel's account of butchness and how it... didn't actually resonate with me at all. like, i'm very familiar with feeling uncomfortable with conventional femininity, and with wanting to look male - but i keep re-realising that the experience of specifically aspiring to masculinity is just alien to me. in particular, bechdel describes feeling like she might have been compensating for her dad's femininity, and like... i've never felt anything like that. i've tried to put distance between myself and women's femininity, but i've only ever looked at fem men and felt jealous of them.

but then i look at the cis gay male community for examples of male femininity, and of course, it has its own gnc/trans overlap. and i don't aspire to trans womanhood any more than i aspire to cis womanhood.

so for people on those two cusps, gender and orientation might be very fluid and open-ended, but my personal desired gender expression is actually quite narrow and a very delicate balance - narrower and more specific even than a lot of other fem gay trans guys i've encountered.

what's more, i've heard from a lot of people on the transmasc/butch cusp in particular that, essentially, they know they're queer because they're attracted to women, and the rest is hazier, but maybe also less important. which is an interesting perspective, but again - completely alien to me. gender comes first for me, without a doubt - and even that can be subdivided. orientation comes after gender, but a positive sense of maleness also comes after a completely fundamental sense of non-femaleness. gender and sexuality are entangled for both of us - but once again, in opposite ways.

i conceive of myself as a binary man, but even so, it's like... almost a nonbinary experience, in a way. like, in very old-fashioned views of queerness, there are two basic types of queer - the butch-lesbian-transhet-man group and the fem-gay-transhet-woman group. there are male inverts and female inverts, FtMs and MtFs, or in polari, omee-palones and palone-omees (men-women and women-men). and someone like me just... doesn't fit into that framework. if an invert is a man with a woman's soul or a woman with a man's soul, what is a woman with the soul of a man with the soul of a woman? you need more layers. you need to recognise that gender and orientation are, or at least can be, separable experiences to be able to conceive of me at all. and ironically that often means you have to frame orientation almost like a gender, again - i believe lou sullivan referred to himself as female-to-gay-male, and i can see why.

but at the same time - we've allegedly come so far, and people can now nominally conceive of identities like mine - but it's still a huge struggle to even begin to express it. how do you reconcile rejection of cisfemininity and womanhood with a genuine desire to be subtly feminine/effeminate? i haven't found a way yet. i don't know if it will be possible until i can access medical transition (and even then, it might take years.) so in the meantime, i look butch, and i just have to live with the fact that the identity i'm broadcasting is the direct opposite of who i really want to be.

idk man. i'm a trans man, but maybe i'm transandrogynous. but it has to be the right androgyny, an androgyny i feel is "male", so maybe i'm not! i'm a faggot trapped in a dyke's body. i'm transitioning from one queer gender expression to another, and while i do feel a degree of solidarity and commonality with actual butches, i also feel like butchness is, for me, nearly as suffocating and dissonant as cisfemininity.

and reading this back now, i've realised i'm doing the same thing over again - i'm conflating my own gayness with my own desire for androgyny(?)/effeminacy(?), and somewhere out there, a fem transhet guy or a butch transhet girl is groaning with exactly the same kind of alienation i often feel.

god. gender is so complicated and so important and so stupid at the same time. why does it have to be so hard!!! we all just want to exist.

#don't know if i have a tag for gender musings.#dk if this makes sense either but i'm done with it now so goodbye

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mydetheturk · 3 months

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These are some of my wips for @organsoutsidelovinglydescribed's Trigun Body Horror Week!

i thought about making separate posts but that's a lot more work than i want to do right this minute, so i'm going to a blanket warning of: gore, blood, ... alien weirdness of varying degrees, and frankly erotic organ touching. all the pieces are going under a cut due to the varying levels of the aforementioned warnings, with more specific warnings with each snippet.

heed the warnings and enjoy!

Major tags for this first piece, a dominai fic, where two independent plants sharing one body poke around with the nervous system; it's gonna be rated e for a combination of "domina splits knives like a peach (sexy)" and "whatever's going on there is definitely xeno". Alien weirdness, is all I'm saying. shockingly tender, but alien weirdness nonetheless.

Domina doesn't talk about most of them. Doesn't like to think about how people – humans entirely too full of hubris – cracked her open to see what made her tick. She knows she's lucky she lived. She wears the scars as badges that say “I lived.” The scientists who'd carved her rib cage open like she was so much meat had the audacity to be shocked when Domina reached out to someone else to ask for help. She'd been young then and should still be young now. Now, she's dying. But she's not alone anymore.

Crimsontrip/Crimsonfang with shockingly erotic organ touching. Shockingly tender? The boys are having a Time and if you ask Elendira about it she'll gut you. Warnings include: blood, viscera, insects, mildly graphic medical descriptions, and hints of past traumas. organs and gore as well.

Elendira returned to their side. “How much of this are you feeling?” she asked. Finally, a clearer workspace. She slid her fingers along organs, gently pried them up from where they were tucked in Livio and Razlo’s musculature and viscera. “Wish we could feel more of you,” one of them said. “Bet it’d feel pretty great, havin’ your hands all up in us like this.” Elendira paused with her hand cupping her fools’ liver. She kept her hand on the organ and leaned up and over to press her lips against theirs. When she leaned back up, her lipstick stained their lips a bloody red. “If you two weren’t so fucked up right now, I would slice you apart like a succulent fruit and take you apart one piece at a time.” “Oh.” Elendira peppered a few kisses on their face, leaving marks there. “We’ll have to do this part again, my loves.” She went back to searching, pulling dead worms from inside of them and dropping them on the floor. Worms crunched under Elendira’s feet as she moved. Livio and Razlo’s organs were slick under her fingers. “I have you.” One of them made an almost kitten-weak agreeing noise.

this next piece is from a fic ive been sitting on for two months, I've described it as "a comically biblical amount of insects brings a fallen angel of the lord to climax" and have gotten several people to lose their minds at that phrasing. its less comical, but really, what do you expect from knives of all plants? Warnings include: insects, alien fuckery, xeno. shockingly little gore in this, or at least this part of the fic - knives and zazie have a tussle in the larger fic and bugs are eaten. plants are predatory, imo. it explains their teeth.

Zazie does-doesn’t understand, doesn’t-does understand in a way that is wholly inhuman, a collective, not an individual. Knives is an individual of a collective, a single voice just out of harmony with the rest. Zazie fills the ache, guts him to the core, while Knives claws at Zazie’s carapace, digging trenches, and hissing-clicking and reverberating loud and hard enough to stun many of the small Worms, collapsing them into the sand. Zazie is hot against him, still holding Knives’ face in their mandibles. A mockery of a human kiss. Plants don’t kiss that way and Worms have no need. Knives goes for a headbutt but only taps his forehead against an empty space between Zazie’s endless eyes. Between one breath and the next he reaches out with that part of him that sings with his sisters and touches Zazie’s Whole. Knives burns.

And lastly, a bonus fic for the week, one that i hadn't planned on writing originally but it's getting written anyway, yet another knives vivisection fic. this one's a little different - 2nd pov instead of my usual third person. Warnings for this include: medical horrors, knives having a panic attack, false reassurance that someone's ok in a bad way, more alien freakiness, and Dr. Conrad's special brand of unhelpful bedside manner. eye trauma as wel,

The doctor – false, liar, ripped the creature that should’ve been your older sister in two – looks down at you. A scalpel drips with your resin. The clearest words you’ve heard are spoken. “Subject Knives, this part you might feel.” The blade descends. You stop breathing. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hurt. There is pressure but it doesn’t hurt. It should hurt. A knife, silver in appearance. Blade only an atom wide, perhaps more. It slices the doctor’s cheek but melts as soon as it does. The doctor’s blood drips. It mingles with your resin, pools where the scalpel has sliced open your eyelids. [Well done little brother! You just have to do that harder next time!]

I hope you enjoyed the pieces here and i cannot wait for body horror week to start 💜

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hybbat · 4 months

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There's a lot of things that I don't know if its a cultural thing or a community thing or a family thing or what that other people seem to experience and I just never seen it, that make me feel a bit crazy when people bring it up like its universal.

Who are all these relatives and strangers who come up to you to ask about significant others without confirmation one exists to actually talk about before they ask? I've never once heard someone ask someone "so do you have a crush/boyfriend/are you dating anyone?"

At what social events are relatives not avodidng any and all controversial topics and keenly aware of everyone's general political leanings so know what's safe to talk about with them already? Even conservative relatives of mine, even american ones and ones unrelated by blood, don't bother, they'd rather talk about what their kid did at school or a tv show and trying to enjoy themselves.

What old men in the streets are approaching random people telling them to smile? Only socially inept dickwads would tell a stranger to do something, and be pounced on by everyone in the vicinity for being rude and of all the things, smiling? Where are all these weird sexist guys that don't understand if someone is frowning they're unhappy or busy? I've never met someone so simultaneously oblivious and hyperaware?

Where are all these people that apparently care if you wear makeup? Or shaved? I've not once had a person comment on my lack of makeup my entire life nor when my mum or sister decide not to bother. The only people who've ever dared comment on my appearance is my parents, no stranger would commit the social suicide of commenting on someone's appearance and the people that do are universally understood to be rude weirdos you walk away from.

There's so many more of these things that I can't tell where the disconnect is. Even things I do know exist like homophobia, I don't know at what degree of separation from my experience where it stops being "that one backwards extremist dickwad who everyone understands is wrong is the only one who cares and we ignore him" and becomes "it's dangerous enough to be queer that it becomes an identity"

I really feel like i live in an alternate reality. Is it that other people are more socially anxious, do I actually just live in an area where these are the norms, is it that I somehow completely missed these things happening and no one acts like its happening when I'm around by sheer coincidence? I know I somehow completely missed that I was bullied in gradeschool so its highly possible. But I like to think I'm a bit more aware these days and I still don't see these things happen when I go outside. How fara way do I have to go before I start seeing it, I've been to either end of canada and gone down to the US plenty and I never find it, but I know it's all happening somewhere out of my sight cause other people complain about it.

#vent post

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stargazeraldroth · 6 months

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Okay okay okay, so- Hear me out. I’ve got an AU (…AM? Alternate Multiverse?) idea that could go the way or horror, humor, or both, spawned by your mention of the evil team in your Pokémon AU. I’m never gonna do anything with this, but it made me laugh and I wanted to share it and see where you’d go with it (your AUs/AMs are fun sue me!!!).

So. Consider this, if you will- Dream and Blue decide to try and be a lil silly with Ink for whatever reason. Payback for a prank? April Fool’s? The reason isn’t important, what’s important is that they decide “go big or go home” and enlist a few AUs to pretend to worship Ink as a god in some weird, Ink-oriented cult. Why a cult? Who knows, maybe they got drunk and ran with it. Maybe they were feeling chaotic. The idea is that Ink will go to these AUs, find the “fake cult,” and try to figure out what the hell happened, this isn’t in the script??? Before Dream and Blue eventually reveal their Dastardly Prank (and they intend to reveal it, they abide by the confuse don’t abuse rule!) and have a good laugh together!

Except there’s one teeny tiny… Itsy bitsy little problem with that.

Somehow, someway, the AUs didn’t get the memo that the cult was meant to be pretend, and now there’s a real, actual Ink Cult spanning the goddamn multiverse that’s rapidly growing. There are rituals and prayers going around, they’ve heard whispers about sacrifices (of what, they aren’t sure- art supplies???), someone started a goddamn holiday, it’s all a mess, really.

Depending on how you take it, you could go a humorous route and have Blue and Dream frantically trying to hide this from Ink while fixing the entire mess, or at least mitigating it somewhat (stop trying to sacrifice actual people- they don’t care that it’s willing, use cupcakes or paints or something!!!), to varying degrees of success… Or you could go a more horror oriented route of Dream and Blue frantically trying to keep their friend out of the grasp of his rapidly growing worshippers, all while wondering how everything went so damn wrong and stars, they’re so sorry, Ink-

Anyways yeah, Accidental Cult AU/AM go brrr.

Ah, splendid. I just call all of my alternate multiverses AUs, it helps me with consistency and everyone knows what it means. I don't know which idea I like better, the funnier one or the more horror-oriented one. So! I'm going to address both of them separately!

Also I'm glad to hear you find my AUs fun to read about, making AUs is one of my biggest hobbies rn-

~Funny Version~

For once, Ink's not the one who caused the problem. This is already going wonderfully, my baby's innocent

The idea of the cults trying to sacrifice actual people to Ink is hilarious. I can picture Dream and Blue trying to discourage it by saying that Ink doesn't condone this kind of behavior, which is true, but with varying degrees of effectiveness. Ink will, however, accept food and art supplies any day of the week

They have to enlist CORE's help in tracking the cults' activities, much to CORE's displeasure. How did they let the situation get so out of hand? They're sorry, CORE! They didn't think this would happen!

I can't tell what would be funnier: Ink being painfully oblivious of their involvement (how did the AUs even find out about him? He keeps himself well-hidden, he thinks!) or Ink being entirely aware, but pretending to be dumb. He wants to see if they can handle it on their own, first

Just the image of Dream and Blue trying to keep the cults hidden from Ink is golden. Especially if they eventually cave and tell Ink about it, expecting him to freak out... only for him to either wonder how they did it or him laugh and tell them he already knew about them

Imagine the cults have like, shrines dedicated to Ink. Little Ink statues

What if, in this version, the cults aren't even all that dangerous? Their rituals are more along the lines of "We must pray to the Protector and give him offerings, so that he may ward the Destroyer off from our world!" Just silly things like that

~Horror Version~

Dream and Blue's efforts to stop the cults from using live sacrifices are less successful here

You mentioned they're trying to keep Ink away from the cults, so let's take a look at what might happen if they were to get him

They wouldn't do anything bad to him, of course, but it's a very... odd situation. Ink's being surrounded by these cloaked figures showering him with praises and worship. And when he tries to leave, they won't let him, so he kinda... has to resort to extremes

Maybe the cults start treating Dream and Blue as Ink's messengers or heralds, of sorts. Not just to "deliver his words", but to also relay the cults' prayers and wishes

Alternatively, maybe some cults start going even more rogue and scheme ways to capture Ink and use him to change things about their world. Surely, if anyone would have the power to change things, it would be their lord? They didn't get the memo that Ink doesn't create or control AUs, only protects them (like half of the fandom)

Maybe a cult tries to force Ink out of "hiding" and answering their summons by capturing Dream or Blue and preparing to sacrifice them

I wonder how they might react to PJ and Gradient...? Being the children of Ink, surely they'd be respected. But being Error's children, too... maybe some groups don't take too kindly to their existences

#anonymous asks #utmv au #ink sans #dream sans #blue sans #swap sans #“it's just a prank bro”#the prank:

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autumnbrambleagain · 11 months

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honestly miss me with any magic system that doesn't describe the qualia of what it is to use magic in that system

oh what in DnD you "study and write spells in a book" and "read the spell each morning" okay what the fuck does the spell look like. what does it feel like to cast a spell. why does it require intelligence why does it require research.

it's why in UWi academic magic (academagic) works on every spell being a literary essay on reality as fiction making some kind of point of why something should be possible and its conclusion statement is how you cast the spell. you recite the argument to the World and the World goes "hmmm, well argued, that broken teacup is now repaired again"

magic in ancient mythology was never really a metaphor for academic 6-year colleges they didn't have that until fairly recently as a concept and learning and education was always a separate track from magic which was always

emotive, innate,

in the Oldenenen Tymes a wizard didn't study 30 pages of nonsense and then they could control your mind, a person Was Magic and could control your mind

but also magic was religious rituals you performed to get a god's attention,

but also magic was folk rituals and superstitions, if you put a horseshoe on your door a fairy can't get in; if you had a stick in the right shape you could find water

modern post-tolkein wizards are so fucking BORING. oh yes i went to magic academy and learned magic so now i can do three spells; fireball, laser beam, and flying. when i level up i can arbitrarily learn bigger fireball which i can't learn right now for no explained reason.

it's why in uwi like why can't y ou cast high level spells early on? because you're starting off with high school level literary essays and then you're trying to jump into fucking Derrida. you can't do it my man you are just starting to cast spells like "id/ego/superego symbolism in lord of the flies" and you aren't jumping from that to "the author as unconscious writing machine vs. art as a lens for the viewer" in one day you gotta know what you're talking about

uwi's academagic is basically a parody of post-tolkein magic systems but also a parody of academia but also a functional system of how you can do magic through literary essays it's fun it's fine. like most of the things we do it's a deconstruction a parody a satire a commentary on things

the fucking bizarre DnD dissonance of magic being the rare thing owned only by the few who have the brain for it but also you stumble over magic potions and scrolls and weapons constantly

but gandalf mcellminster over here's level 3 and he can cast 3 magic missiles a day what the fuck does that even mean. why is all your magic ways to kill people fuck off

there's two settings we keep working on internally and one is a failed succession metasetting where the "magic" is "we are all self-aware self-narrating concepts being poorly moderated by the world consciousness; time and verisimilitude is broken and effect follows cause only by convincing argument. everything we do is magic. i forgot to give myself the need to eat and until someone presents me with sufficient symbolism to counter it i don't need food at all."

and the other is a more grounded fucked up glamtasy world where magic is "which kind of magic there's like 800 different ways you can do weird shit which weird shit can you do and how are you doing it"

the worldbuilding anyway should only be a part worldbuilding only exists best for when it's to tell stories with but the worldbuilding itself can be part of the story when it's a commentary a reference to a greater literary body and itself part of that commentary

which is also how magic works in uwi

i have a fucking masters degree and this is all it's good for anyway if you read this make sure to comment bob's gang below and like rate and subscribe and we'll see you next time on animal crossing channel

#autumn rambles #worldbuilding

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nikethestatue · 1 year

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I saw the anon ask about Illyria and your response with self-insertion. I totally agree. Maybe it’s an unpopular opinion but I honestly don’t think Nesta’s mental health journey was even that great. Idk- I felt it was strange and out of character for Nesta to have resorted to the coping mechanisms she engaged in- sex and alcohol, to begin with. Nesta is an externalizer and I could see her spewing her vitriol…but sleeping around and alcoholism? It seemed out of left field to me. It just felt like such a missed opportunity to explore her powers & flesh things out. She was contained to the house of wind in this contrived scenario and it had this institutionalization feel for mental health, imo. We heal by quarantining ourselves from others and not engaging in the real world? I understand this is a fantasy world, but as we overlook these other grossly problematic plot-lines to praise the mental health journey, it’s difficult for me to pretend it was…good. Maybe that’s an unpopular take- people obviously love the book.

I understand the library is a safe-haven, don’t get me wrong, but the entire messaging from a mental health standpoint was- separate from the world and re-engage when you’re ready? That’s an exceptional mental health journey to people? Again, big institutionalization vibes. Don’t ever have a meaningful conversation with your sisters, but isolate yourself away and train and get dick therapy? There’s a reason they discourage dating in early alcohol/substance abuse recovery…it just fell flat for me.

I also agree with you about these very contrived friendships amongst the Valkyries for the same reason above. Let’s see how they actually engage in the real world. Outside of this institutionalized/residential healing center scenario. Then, I will buy that they are ‘sisters’ and have such an entrenched bond. It seems inauthentic.

I thought the entire ‘training to heal’ plot had big “the gym is my therapy” vibes. Not that exercise can’t be helpful with mental health, but the training focus, in addition to essential social isolation and banishment to a home you are literally stuck in that provides your every desire, is healing? The only part of the “healing journey” I found semi-decent was the hike, and even that was wrapped up in this weird threat to her life and that whole bizarre Feyre’s womb plot. And it was with Cassian, which is fine, but why are we not having a sit-down as sisters? That’s all just brushed over bc Nesta altered anatomy? I hate it. I’m sorry.

Anyways, I’m always shocked by how people relate to that journey and feel it was so amazing. To each their own, but blah lol.

I guess I’m not really asking anything, but I am interested in your thoughts.

I absolutely agree with you.

The idea of the Library is a good one in theory--a place for abused/traumatised women to have as a sanctuary. However, it also does have this vibe of an asylum for sure. Like if someone is unable to speak in 80 years, and hasn't dealt with their trauma to any significant degree, there is definitely an issue with this set up.

But I also feel like it's a strange theme of a lot of SJM's writings--this inability to move on, forget, forgive and be done. Like think about Mor, who is 540 years old, and can't forgive Eris for leaving her in the woods. Cassian destroying a whole village of people. Even Rhys, who told Tamlin that he can't EVER forgive him for how he made Feyre feel.

And the women in the Library seems like one massive exaggeration of all this perpetual trauma and inability to heal or move on.

Which, I think, goes back to the idea that SJM doesn't know how to tackle trauma. It's very superficial, and I really wish she didn't get into these grandiose subjects and pile it all on, and then come up with the most rudimentary of 'solutions'. Love. Working out. Friendship. All these external factors, which basically indicate that in her opinion only relationships can help you out of it. Not any type of self-help, self-actualization, self-guidance.

Ugh, and don't get me started on Nesta self-destructing with sex and alcohol. Absolutely makes no sense at all. But I think it was just an excuse to get Nesta into the House and keep her there.

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styleslistic · 2 years

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How it Turned Out - Harry Styles Fic Part 9

Y/N and Harry have a couple of stolen conversations during TPWK filming

Masterlist

Taglist: @theekyliepage @sleutherclaw @b-reads-things @mxltifxnd0m @lovurryy golden-hoax @spinningoutwaiting4ya @gothmingguk (just reply or send an ask to be added)

Y/N and Harry had gotten through their final day of rehearsals without anyone catching on to the fact that they had ended up spending the night in the studio.

But then Y/N had been flown off to play a massive show in Mexico, while the beginning of filming got underway. She wasn’t needed for all the scenes. So, once again, they were left wanting more, with only the question of when they’d be able to steal a moment together.

That said, when Y/N made it back to set several days later, it felt like they’d not been apart. Dancing felt easy alongside Harry. The two of them found it near impossible not to grin at one another when they caught each others’ eyes, even mid-way through a take. But luckily, the director seemed to absolutely lap this up, mistaking it for acting. So they took the opportunity to really ham up their interactions on camera, relishing the fact that although everyone else thought their playfulness was just for show, it was the realest thing going on in the room.

In a spare moment, when the crew was fiddling with the lighting, they found themselves sat alone at one of the tables on the set. Well, not alone, there were people all around them, but there was a degree of privacy to be found in the chaos surrounding them.

“I’ve been thinking, over the past few days,” said Harry. “I really think we can make this work.” His voice was quietly determined. “And I well, I don’t know much about what seeing other people or sleeping with other people but being together would look like, but I really like the idea of it. I think it’ll make the distance a bit less terrifying.”

“It is pretty terrifying isn’t it. If stuff does happen with someone else, do you want us to tell each other about it?”

“Yeah, yeah I think so. It’s better out in the open, and that way we’re already talking about it so if one of us feels weird about anything it’ll be easy to let the other know.”

“Smart, sexy and talented,” Y/N chuckled. “You’ve really got it all Harry.”

“Well, that’s why this is gonna work, right? Birds of a feather,” he winked.

“Smooth.”

“It’s kind of hilarious how right our fans were about us isn’t it?” Harry said.

“It is, imagine the field day they’d have if they knew.”

“Oh for real,” Harry said. “We would never hear the end of it.”

___

At the end of the day, the whole cast and crew celebrated the end of filming with a quick glass of prosecco. Harry and Y/N were trapped in separate conversations with excited crew members for the duration. Both lovely conversations, sure, but it meant precious minutes they could be talking to one another were lost.

Instead, it was only as Y/N was outside, waiting for her car, that they got a final moment to talk.

“Guess this is bye for now, then,” Harry said.

“Yeah, guess so. But we’ve got plans to make plans,” she chuckled lightly. “We’re gonna write a song, and I’m gonna come see one of your shows, I’ll make sure of it.”

“You wanna see my show?” Harry said, looking excited and a little hopeful.

“What a ridiculous question, of course I do,” Y/N said. “Top of my to do list. I wanna see you in your element. And it’s not fair that you’ve seen my show but I’ve not got to see you.”

“Okay,” Harry smiled. “Come see my show, and if you’re lucky I might let you come backstage afterwards.”

“Don’t start playing hard to get now, I think I might have already figured out you’re into me.”

Harry tutted comically. “Damnit, I thought I was playing it so cool.” They laughed together for a few seconds. When silence fell between them, the mood shifted. They both knew it was time to leave.

Harry stepped forward and pulled Y/N into a hug. She threw her arms around him, and buried her face in his chest, inhaling his scent for a last moment.

A throat cleared behind them: Y/N’s assistant.

“Car’s here,” they said simply.

Y/N gave Harry a final squeeze, then separated from him.

“Bye, see you soon yeah?” Harry said. His eyes looked a little glossy.

“Soon,” Y/N nodded.

She got into the car and shoved her headphones into her ears, staring stubbornly out of the opposite window as they pulled away so that she’d didn’t have to watch Harry fade into the distance.

___

SORRY I know this was a short one but it is what it is!

#harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfiction #how it turned out #musician!y/n

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hauntedselves · 1 year

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here's the big self dx email i'm going to send to my psychologist. (the diagnostic parts of it at least). i prefaced it with a bunch of "please don't think i'm being attention seeking though attention seeking is part of npd which i'm self dx'ing as having traits of so if that counts towards it then you can totally think i'm being attention seeking but i've put a hell of a lot of time and thought into this i didnt just read the dsm criteria and decide i had it thanks~"

Schizotypal Personality Disorder: I know there’s a lot of overlap with autism and borderline personality disorder, but I really think I meet the criteria for a 3 of those separately. I honestly think I meet every single criteria for schizotypal PD to at least some degree.

Ideas of reference – I do get these, I tend to see “signs” and omens in a lot of things, like songs on the radio or a particular bird flying overhead. They tend to be small things that I notice and think that it’s directed at me or meant for me to see.

Odd beliefs or magical thinking - One thing is that I often see something nearby (usually my glasses case or something similarly non-reflective) flashing and when I look directly at it it stops, and I get the feeling that it’s being “cheeky”. I guess some of my more psychotic thoughts fit here too (I talk about them below). One thing I have is that I feel like I need to watch any plane or helicopter that flies over until I can’t see it anymore because if I don’t it’ll explode and then all the people will die, which will be my fault because I didn’t watch it to make sure it doesn’t happen. Even though I know that doesn’t make any sense and hundreds of planes fly around without me ever seeing them and they’re perfectly safe! I also avoid looking at myself in mirrors at night because the “mirror demons” can get me then.

Unusual perceptions/illusions – apparently dissociation comes under this which we know I experience a lot. Also apparently it’s fairly common for people with schizotypal personality disorder to feel like their faces look weird or not really recognising themselves which I struggle with, though that could also be dissociation.

Odd thinking & speech - I think this one is more for other people to judge than me. I think my thoughts are different to others but of course I don’t know other’s thoughts so I’m only going off people not understanding me when I try to explain something in a way that makes perfect sense to me. (I’ve had this problem with essays, where my teachers don’t get how I got to a conclusion or what my reasoning is when it makes sense to me).

Suspicion or paranoia – I get paranoid a lot when I’m driving and someone seems to be following me, for example. I’ve sometimes gone down a different street or taken a different route when I don’t need to so I can “shake them”. The two times I’ve been in hospital I get paranoid about the medication they give me, I’m scared it’s going to be some kind of mind control drug or something other than what it is. (Doesn’t stop me from taking it though).

Inappropriate or flat emotional affect – Also something more for others to judge and not me. Also part of autism so I don’t know.

Strange behaviour or appearance – Another one for others to judge. I don’t think I do have strange behaviour or looks aside from what could be dismissed as autistic awkwardness.

Lack of close friends, other than family – yes. I did have one friend but she stopped talking to me and I don’t know why. I didn’t make any friends throughout uni, (granted 2 years were fully online), and I was on good terms with the people in my class at Tafe but not enough to keep in contact with them.

Social anxiety – We’ve talked about social anxiety before. I remember when I was seeing [old psych] she asked about it and I said it was like a fear of being seen, as in known/understood. Like I’m scared of getting close to people I guess. Which I also want which makes it tricky! I don’t really want friends because I find other people so hard to relate to and figure out, but I do also want friends, I get lonely.

Obsessive ruminations – I do have these and I’ve talked about it below. I think a lot about things like violence and gore and cannibalism (ties into my werewolf thing) but it doesn’t disturb me. I think a lot about sex as well but not in a fantasising way, just… thinking about it. I often have the exact same thought multiple times a day, sometimes quickly and sometimes hours in between. It gets to the point where I tell myself “I’ve already thought about all this, stop going over it again and again!”. There’s one particular thought that I’ve had pop into my head for years, it’s the exact same sentence every time.

Dyscalculia: I’m not sure if this is in some other medical ballpark or psychological, so I don’t know if you’re the right person to talk to about this one, but I’m 100% sure I have this.

I can’t tell the time on an analog clock, I can’t tell left from right, I failed maths in high school (and just barely passed the easiest required level of maths in college) and I would definitely fail a maths test now.

I have to count on my hands for even simple maths, I can’t look at a group of something and tell how many are there without counting them, I don’t know the times tables (even the 2x table, I get to 12 and then I have to actually think about it).

I’m terrible at budgeting and knowing how much I’ll have left over if something costs whatever amount and I have however much money.

I never remember if Tuesday or Thursday comes first which I think is a sequencing problem that’s part of dyscalculia?

I can’t read maps very well, I struggle with directions and distances, and I struggle with time (keeping track of time, how long something will take, if something takes 5 minutes I don’t know if it’s actually been 5 minutes or not).

I can’t work out money, like for example when I worked at the shop on the cash register I didn’t know how to work it (because no one showed me) so I was working out the change by hand and always got it wrong (the customers would have to tell me which was always embarrassing!).

Apparently spatial awareness and proprioception issues are part of dyscalculia too which I definitely struggle with (learning to drive was scary because of this). (Also an autism thing).

Schizoid Personality Disorder: I think I have some traits of this but not the full on thing. This one also overlaps with autism (and schizotypal and borderline personality disorders) so I’m willing to accept it’s just that.

Doesn’t enjoy close relationships - yes and no. I like friendships but not making them, and they often seem a lot more trouble than they’re worth. But I still get lonely.

Almost always chooses to be alone – yes, I’m much more comfortable alone than with others. Some of it is social anxiety, some of it is just… it’s nicer that way.

Asexual – yes, we’ve talked about that. Though I would like to mention I’m also bisexual, on the very rare occasions when I am attracted to people.

Finds little pleasure in activities – sometimes, though I think this is more of a depression thing. I do struggle with anhedonia & avolition a fair bit though

Lacks close friends, other than family – already talked about above.

Appears indifferent to praise or criticism – yeah… I like getting praise but I also don’t really care if I don’t? Unless it’s something super important to me. Same with criticism, I don’t care unless it’s very important.

Flat/cold emotional affect – also something for other people to judge.

(These are from the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual):

Highly sensitive, shy, easily overstimulated – I’m not highly sensitive but I am shy and easily overwhelmed. That’s probably just autism though.

Fear of & longing for closeness – Yes, already talked about that

Emotional pain when overstimulated – I don’t really know what this means, unless it’s talking about emotions being overwhelming when you’re already overwhelmed? Which is true for me.

Feels like dependency and love are dangerous – I do feel like this sometimes but I think it’s more of a trauma response

Physically withdraws and mentally withdraws into fantasy – yes, but also a trauma/dissociation/autism thing

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: this one I’m not so sure of… I feel like the furthest away from narcissistic as you can get. But at the same time I relate to a lot of the more covert symptoms and experiences, though again that might just be the result of other things like borderline personality disorder and autism.

Grandiosity - One thing I attribute to this is what I call “selfish selflessness”, where I want to be the best at caring for people (mum, mostly). I want to be the most caring and thoughtful person but not because it’s a good thing to be or it benefits others, but because it would make people think highly of me. I’m thinking of the benefits I get from benefiting others. It’s so I will be appreciated, I will be the favourite child/friend/etc, I will be the most loving (and therefore the most loved…) – I’m doing nice things for others for me, not for them, even though they think it’s for them (and I let them think that). (Obviously other people are just happy that I’m doing whatever nice thing for them so it’s not actually a problem, I just don’t think this is why you’re supposed to do it!). I also see myself as superior to people who don’t do nice things for others. For example if I do something nice for mum but none of my siblings do, I think of myself as better than them.

Fantasies of power/success/ideal love - do revenge fantasies count as power, and imagining your ideal life [of being an unemployed hermit on a small farm lol] as success? Does “ideal” have to mean in a “this is what capitalist society sees as ideal” or can it be a personal ideal?

Belief of being special/unique - well… yeah… in a “I’m special/unique because I’m [insert marginalised identity] and therefore should be treated differently/better” way? like, “I’m The Most Mentally Ill”..

Requires admiration – I don’t know about this one… I do feel like I need positive/impressed reactions to my social media posts but I think that’s probably pretty normal

Sense of entitlement - see above

Exploitative - yeah, but like I said above, it’s a hidden sort of exploitation where others think it benefits them too

Lacks empathy - I don’t think I feel empathy, or at least not very much. I find it hard to believe that people actually feel what other people are feeling… how would anyone get anything done if they’re feeling other people’s emotions as well as their own! I don’t think my lack of empathy is a problem (I don’t lack compassion which I think is more important), I just wanted to make a note of it.

Envious or believes others are envious of them - Not really. I am envious in terms of like “I wish I was rich so I didn’t have to struggle through life” or “I wish I had a caring partner like so-and-so” but I think that’s normal

Arrogant - internally, yes, but not outwardly?

I think I do have fragile self-esteem & need others to boost it, but only to some extent. I’m also not a perfectionist.

There’s a psychologist named Elinor Greenberg whose written about “covert narcissism” which I think I fit some of. She says covert narcissists are conflicted about attention because they’re scared of it but also craves and needs it. I think that’s true for me, but it also sounds more like a trauma response than narcissism. She talks about using ‘acts of service’ as their way of being admired, which I mentioned before. She also says that people with covert narcissism have trouble with assertiveness and have trouble saying no, which we know I struggle with.

Some kind of eating disorder. Ones that stand out for me in particular: Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, Binge Eating Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. These are tricky because it might just be autism sensory issues plus gender dysphoria and internalised fatphobia, but it also might not be. When I was living alone I would have definitely fit the bill for binge eating disorder, but since moving back home I don’t anymore. That’s just one to keep an eye on for when I move out again. Anorexia I think is more in my thoughts than my actions, since my actions (i.e. avoiding food) are more driven by sensory issues and executive functioning. But I definitely have thoughts and urges of food restriction. So another one to keep an eye on. I just remembered that we once talked about this and how it could be a sort of “subconscious self-deprivation”, like a “you don’t deserve to eat” thing rather than a “don’t eat so you’ll get skinny” thing. Though it definitely has elements of both. Plus the hunger cues problems we’ve talked about before, and the general disinterest in food and sensory issues. I also hate eating food in public because I feel like I’m being judged, which is probably around body image and fatphobia and maybe schizotypal ideas of reference?

Possibly Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder: we’ve spoken before about attention and executive functioning problems, and how it can be because of dissociation (and autism?). I’m on the fence about this one, I know ADHD and autism have a lot of overlap. I definitely don’t have any hyperactive symptoms (except sometimes restlessness but that’s probably normal now and then). But I relate a lot to what I hear people with ADHD say about their attention problems and need for stimulation.

If something is boring, I have a really hard time getting myself to do it, and we’ve talked a lot about procrastination problems.

I have trouble paying attention for more than say, half an hour at most. (I admit I zone out during our sessions occasionally…).

I have trouble planning out things like assignments, I find it easier just to jump in. But that often makes my essays seem all over the place and unstructured. (I also never proofread them or did drafts or anything which didn’t help…).

I’ve always had this problem where my brain is just. really noisy? It got better when I started antidepressants (I remember telling the doctor who prescribed them that my brain was quieter and she gave me this weird look) but it’s still such a problem that it interferes with getting to sleep. It feels like there’s “layers” to my thoughts, with conscious thinking on top and then underneath there’s subconscious thinking (things like, “I’m hungry”, “it’s raining” etc), usually a song or two playing, a daydream, a clip from a movie or a part of a book (I don’t think this is what most people mean when they say something is “playing on their mind” but for me it’s literally like there’s a DVD player in my brain with whatever part of a movie I’m thinking about playing on a loop)

Whenever I read someone’s experience of getting medicated for ADHD I always wish that I could try ADHD medication because it sounds amazing.

I also think I have auditory processing issues which seem linked to ADHD (also not sure if that’s a psychiatric thing or a medical thing).

There’s an ADHD expert (Richard Barkley...?) who’s come up with something called “sluggish cognitive tempo” which I relate to a lot. All that said, I know that ADHD has a lot of overlap with autism so it could just be that.

Possibly Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder traits: mostly because of my obsession with diagnoses, really. I had symptoms of this when I was a kid (repetitive hand washing, obsessing over natural disasters, impulses around symmetry and needing things to be Just Right…) and probably would’ve been diagnosed if I had seen someone about it then, but not now. I think it was probably some kind of trauma response? I think I ruminate a lot now (as in schizotypal PD) but not to an OCD degree, except I am obsessive about finding disorders that I may or may not have. I do find it interesting but I don’t really get any joy out of it, and it takes up a lot of my time, which is why I’ve thought sometimes about having traits of OCD (definitely not the full disorder though).

Complex PTSD: you’ve said “complex trauma” a lot but I don’t know what that means in a diagnostic sense. I think we’ve spoken enough about trauma that I don’t really need to justify why I think I have CPTSD.

Emotional dysregulation – we’ve talked about this a lot

Feeling worthless & guilty/ashamed – yes.

Relationship problems – I don’t know… I’ve talked a fair bit about relationships in the above parts. I do feel like I don’t really belong a lot. Like I’m different from other people in some deep, fundamental way and not in a good or special sense.

Plus PTSD & trauma symptoms and DID and dissociation…

I also want to bring up some reoccurring psychotic thoughts I have. The werewolf/dog one is there all the time, though sometimes stronger than other times (full moons always). The other most frequent one is being dead, which is there say… 8 days out of 10. I also quite often believe that my cat is actually a very lifelike robot. The other reoccurring ones are feeling like I only exist when others are interacting with me (which we already talked about and probably is more a dissociation/trauma thing but I think it could be both that and psychosis-ish) and sometimes I feel like I’m a prophet of some kind. I don’t know for who. It’s more feeling sort of like a god or like I’m supposed to have some higher purpose I guess. I also believe there’s a little wolf (sometimes a snake) who lives in my stomach and eats my feelings which is why it’s hard to feel them. None of these are particularly distressing except for the not existing one. I also used to think a lot that people (dad in particular) could read my mind, and to prevent my thoughts from being broadcast I would imagine a sort of cocoon around me that kept my thoughts in. I haven’t had to do that for a while, but it used to be multiple times a day. I think all of these psychotic experiences could be part of schizotypal PD but if they warrant a different disorder then I’m open to that too.

I recently found out about something called “pathological demand avoidance”… I absolutely did that as a kid and still do to some degree. That doesn’t really have anything to do with the rest of this email, I just remembered about it and wanted to note it. I guess it’s similar to the self-sabotage in borderline PD?

---

phew. that's a lot. tumblr kept telling me there was a 4096 text characters per block limit lol...

(keep in mind this was written for my psychologist as the audience and not for general tumblr so when i say "you" or "we" i'm referring to her & i, not YOU or you in a general sense. and some of it i literally copy-pasted from posts i've made here about "i think i have x" lol.

#personal #dogpost #long post #no bold #emphasis on LONG post #hs' psychosis #hs' ed #hs' autism #dingo's ... everything lol #potentially psychosis triggering content #100% sure i have cptsd & stpd & dyscalculia. the rest im more iffy on #this is in addition to my existing diagnoses of autism + DID + generalised & social anxiety + BPD #do you ever wish there was like a blood test or scan or something you could do that would tell you everything that was wrong with you ever?#i do.#if you read all of this... i admire your dedication! virtual cookies or [favourite food]#i plan to write about pathological demand avoidance soon btw!#this is ok to interact with & its ok to ask questions about it too btw

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symptoms-syndrome · 1 year

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Normally I'd preface this with a lot of "people who experience this are valid" kind of disclaimer but my therapist is urging me to do that sort of thing less and just be upfront. So I'm going to do that.

I'm honestly really, really tired of a lot of the conversations, online and offline (though those lines are more blurred now) surrounding mental health and illness being about how "you can't always tell." Stuff about how you notice it more than others and stuff like that. "You're valid if you're struggling in silence" or "x isn't meant to support or notice people with issues" or whatever whatever, talk about people being passed over and people not noticing or whatever kind of "validity" talk.

I've been, to some degree, objectively noticably fucked up for a very, very long time. I've been going to a therapist since I was six years old. I started Special Education in elementary school with gradually increasing intervention, and was sent to a separate special education school for most of high school. As far as I know I didn't get clear diagnoses (or they weren't shared with me) until middle school (when I got diagnosed with PTSD + depression, with some other diagnoses soon to follow) but even without clinical labels school staff, as well as my classmates, knew there was something wrong with me. A lot of the time other people knew there was something wrong with me before I knew it myself. I've been to a lot of therapists. A lot of partials. A fair amount of inpatient. "At risk" programs for "at risk/troubled" kids. I've been dropped from therapists for being "too much" or "untreatable." One I remember meeting for an intake appointment, and he told me to my face that my trauma was far too much for him.

Rarely ever do I see people talk about that sort of experience. I feel really alienated and sidelined by a lot of bigger conversations because I'm one of "those people." There's an implicit message of "it's okay if you're not one of those crazy retard sped kids" but what if I am. What if I am the kind of kid that even the kids with real bad depression or ADHD or whatever side-eye. My college counselor deleted all the colleges I said I wanted transcripts sent to (I had very good grades, the best I could do with my extremely limited access to mainstream school) in front of me because she said I shouldn't set my hopes high and "people like me" usually go for a trade instead. I got accepted to one of the best when I went around her and submitted the transcripts myself. Even if I wasn't able to go in the end because of homelessness.

There's such a unique trauma to being constantly under the examination of professionals. Like I'm squished under a microscope slide at best and discarded as a "someone else will deal with that, I can't" at worst. And then sort of loosely thrown into the "real world" which is quite the culture shock when you're used to your every move being highly controlled and needing authorization and permission and all that shit to do anything. But there's this weird dichotomy of being watched and controlled at every moment while also having no one give a shit about you. I'm sick of hearing only shit about how no one can tell you're mentally ill and how that's sooo hard and they wish they were more visible. No you don't. If you knew you would know it fucking sucks. And everyone hates you for being so visibly fucked because you're a bad mark on their program or whatever so they just send you off to someone else or just give up on you altogether. And now I gotta pick up all the pieces by myself and figure out how much of what I'm fucked up with is what I was told and how much is real. The people in charge of making me better just fucked me up.

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wackybuddiemewbs · 1 year

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Random ramblings about 06x07

After my memefication of the events is now mostly dealt with (thank goodness, but I needed to get those out of the system first), I'm still very much confused and intrigued by the setup done in “Cursed”.

Sure enough, this episode was supposed to be a lighter one. We had a lot of good fun in that, but the episode provides great setup for the drama that's sure about to unfold further along the season.

So here I'm gathering some more or less coherent thoughts on the matter. Though I seriously don't know where all of this is headed. But here's to hoping anyway.

Connor and Kameron, desperation, grifters, and all of the awkward

I know others as well as me have joked about this, but those two are exceptionally weird when it comes to the sperm donation. Now, it's possible there was nothing grander to it, and the writers just wanted things to be extra awkward for laughs, by having them wind up at the station to have the firefam in the know (also… Shannon/Eddie parallels much, huh?).

Like, it's effective. All people who may have something to say about the matter find out at once, and we don't “need” separate conversations to have that unfold (aka saving screen time). It's economic in that way. So it's well possible that it was not supposed to be off-putting or whatever else. Just really awkward and quick to have everyone up to speed.

But. Holy crap. That was just soooooo weird.

As others have noted, they continue to be pushy, acting all the while like they aren't being pushy. Again, I don't know if the show's gonna make anything of that, other than to highlight their desperation to have a child? Like, wanting to highlight that they don't want to go through the process again, now that they found someone who said he'd volunteer to donate. But. If the show wants to go down another route, well… perfect setup for that, too, I guess.

I don't believe Connor and Kameron will turn out to be evil sperm thieves (hehe). They just really want to have that baby. But they are extremely pushy in their pursuit, and it might be that the show highlights how Buck is especially vulnerable to that. So Connor and Kameron may (unconsciously) feed into that or may even take advantage of it, to a certain degree. And the show might actually decide to show how harmful that can be, even if they do not intend it. As Athena pointed out:

“The best grifters know how to play on people's desperation. The more desperate a person is, the easier it becomes to fool them.”

Now, again, I don't believe in evil sperm thieves here, just like I don't believe in bad intent on Connor's and Kameron's behalf (yet). But I can see this as a kind of foreshadowing/allusion to what's going on with Buck. And yes, here I go again, outing myself as a Buck Breakdown Truther until proven otherwise. I could see two scenarios in particular to get the job done right (or wrong), based on Athena's words that may come back to haunt Buck this season:

Connor and Kameron may (unconsciously) pressure Buck all the while yelling “no pressure though”, thereby actually creating more pressure for him than is necessary. It was the second time we've seen them do it with Buck, and Buck reacting the same way each time. Which is not to say I don't get the desperation they must feel. But it's very much in-tune for Buck to try to please them as a result and jump ahead, to be of service to them, to help them. So instead of giving him the freedom of choice and space for proper reflection, they are (unconsciously) backing him into a corner. Or perhaps more to the point: They are feeding right into so many of Buck's issues, likely without knowing it. And that may impact him very negatively moving forward. Thus far, every interaction we've seen between them was inherently about them. Even if they genuinely seemed to try to give Buck the free choice, they always circle back to their desperation to have the child. Again, I don't believe they do it consciously, necessarily. If you want something that much, it's the only thing you can think about. But turned around to Buck, that means that every meaningful interaction he's had thus far with the people he's making a great sacrifice for… it was never about him, it is never about him. It is only about his function to them as a donor. That is why Connor originally reached out to him, and as Hen pointed out, they will in all likability expect him to not have any place in their future (and more importantly in that of the child). In that way, they play on Buck's desperation to help them, out of their desperation to have a child. And I can very well see that this might be a route the writers might take all the same.

Buck is his very own grifter in this scenario. Buck is desperate for happiness, to finally get to the point where he is “at peace”. And he wants to believe that helping those two have a baby and build the future they always wanted will do the trick for him. To do something selfless, like Lev did, and then finally have that epiphany about what it is that makes him truly happy. For that, he is taking all of that pressure, and ignores all of those red flags and warning signs the whole damn universe seems to throw his way. Buck is fooling himself into believing that this is truly what he wants (at least at this point, though it might turn out later that he really is at peace with that, but he certainly isn't right now, he's just stubbornly refusing to reflect it on it any further, so not to be swayed). He is genuine in his wish to help them (have the baby). He knows that much, because he knows that they want that child (quick side note: I guess there might also be some level of Daniel trauma in there. Because here he has people who want a baby for the sake of the baby, unlike his parents, who wanted to have a baby for the purpose of saving their other child. And oh my, see who's coming back this season…).

In either scenario, Buck is likely to be left the fool, not necessarily because he's getting grifted, but because either they or he himself are actively helping him self-deprecate. Or at the least, that's a route the show might be taking on this one. And I'm dying to find out.

Buck's troubled relationship with his body

To send this ahead: There's soooooo much more to say about Buck's self-image and his relationship with his body, but for now, I'll just focus on it in relation to this season's arc.

While we mostly started out lightly regarding the matter, I found it almost jarring how much Buck's relationship with his own body came back into full swing ever since Connor and Kameron asked him to donate. All the while watching him reflecting on it drunkenly with Hen, then again with the puréed greens to deliver the best swimmers in the world… I can see this heading to a much darker place, moving forward.

Others have already pointed to the close connection to Buck's speech after the Daniel reveal, about defective parts and all. Which was another blow (alongside the reveal itself and its ramifications). Because Buck is very self-conscious when it comes to his body. So realizing that his body wasn't good enough, was “defective”, is a whole different story for someone like him.

Since early childhood, his body was a means to an end. To get attention from his parents, by getting hurt. Later on, numerous flings to satisfy the need and to please others, to be good for others, to feel his own body, to have all involved feel happy and content. To be good enough. Again, a means to an end (chasing meaningful connections by providing gratifying sex, by pleasing his partners and being praised for it). He prides himself on his physicality, noting to Bobby back in season 1 how he never had trouble with the physical aspects of training to become a Navy SEAL, but what that would have demanded of him psychologically and emotionally. To name but few examples.

Along those lines, he's been on the optimizing route, well before he started on the green menace for over a month. Buck talking to the guy with the tapeworm back in season 1, conversing about how to optimize body fat ratios or whatever else. Buck wanting to be the “bestestest boi and patient” by adapting his diet, back when he had the blood clots and wanted to prove that he (his body) was capable, functional, of use, for the one thing he found meaningful in his life. AKA being a firefighter. Now again with the green smoothies and his abstinence, to be the best donor ever. To please, to be good enough, or rather, better than good enough.

Interestingly, all of those measures hardly seem to be about himself and doing things to feel good about himself, as himself, but more about optimizing his body for the sake of others. Being muscular and good-looking for hookups – it's about being appealing to them. Adapting his diet and making a show of it – it was to convince Bobby, among others, of his health and thus use as a firefighter. Drinking green smoothies and being abstinent for extended periods of time – it is for Connor and Kameron, to give them “best chances of success”. Not once did I get the vibe of Buck doing this to feel good about himself, to feel comfortable in his own skin, literally. Instead, he is making himself miserable, longing for more. Or, as Hen so eloquently pointed out:

“Buck, your idea of healthy is a side salad. When did puréed greens become a whole main meal?”

Yet again, interestingly, he often winded up failing with his self-optimization when it came to his body. All the healthy diet didn't get him his job back. The hookups may have gotten him appreciation for his performance, but the partners didn't stick around. Even Abby didn't stick around, even though he tried to support her not just physically throughout. And with the green smoothies and the abstinence… again, as others have noted, him trying so hard to be the best donor may have made the donation worse. He's trying sooooo hard that it backfires on him (i.e. having stayed abstinent for so long may have made the “swimmer count” reduce rather than increase, as far as I understood).

Now, if that's the narrative route they want to focus on, it could go three ways in my head (yeah, yeah, always thinking threeways, yo):

The donation isn't deemed “good enough” and they will ask him to donate again, and just stay clear from wanking for a week, not four (jizz I mean jeez). Which may either serve as a catalyst for Buck to really consider this, rather than jumping ahead in his pursuit to use his body for other peoples' benefit. Or it may feed right into his fears of his body not sufficing (or maybe a combination of both). This may force Buck to continue to put himself physically and emotionally through all that again, not for his sake, but that of others, making it less and less about his choice and more and more about needing his body to function, no matter what.

Buck turns out to share in Connor's issue, namely not enough swimmers. That'd fit just about half of Buck's insecurities. In that his body would not suffice to help. That his body is not good enough to do something he wanted (or thought he wanted) so desperately that he damn well ran to the clinic to jerk off into a plastic cup. To top all that, it'd mean that all the things he thought were “still in store” for him (as he alluded to when talking to Lev) are suddenly out the window. Namely, starting a family of his own, fathering children that are inherently his, finding true peace. So any “hope” Buck would have had to finally get to where Connor and Kameron are right now, already knowing what they want and with whom they want to have it with, is suddenly gone. And it'd be his own body that's always supposed to function that'd keep him from it. His own body would betray him in that way. Defective parts.

Buck turns out ineligible (e.g. due to the cancer in his family history or because of some other health issues Buck may not have been aware of). Either because the clinic advises against it, or Connor and Kameron back off when they get word of it. They may reconsider on “only” choosing someone who's supposedly very healthy in contrast to someone who's very good of character, as Connor insisted to Buck, if Buck has some health issue that he might pass down to the child. That would throw him for a complete loop, too. Because health is not supposed to be an issue for him. He is capable, after all, right? Right? He's good enough for that, right? Right?

Either scenario circles back to Buck's troubled relationship with his own body, in that his body is a means to an end for him. If he can't serve the means, then what is his body good for? If it can't create future, if it can't help, if it's not enough, how is he good enough (for his own happiness)? That would deliver great material for a potential breakdown for him.

And resolution can only come (pun not intended) if Buck manages to reconcile with his own body being as it is, accepting it as it is, and no longer regarding it as integral to his self-worth. That being at peace with what he has and is doesn't just relate to a couch or lack thereof, but to him being at peace with what he is, what his body is, instead of chasing unachievable standards and chasing praise and appreciation by means of his own body.

If that's the route they are taking, I do believe Eddie's role in that realization process will be of great importance. Eddie has proven to be one of the few people who get through to Buck when he's really far lost in his head. He already brought the point home about him not being expandable (and in that sense putting his body at risk for the sake of others unnecessarily). So the twist might be along the lines of: Buck realizing his body isn't any more expendable than anyone else's because Buck's body contains something invaluable, namely the person he is. His body is there to protect that invaluable core, not the other way around. And Eddie as his best friend (and love of his life and original baby trapper before Connor and Kameron got the idea, yo), as the person to address Buck like that back in season 4… it might bring this full circle for Buck at long last.

And yeah, that makes Buddie confirmation a very likely scenario in my head, as the conclusion of that arc. It'd just fit so damn neatly, if you think about it. Because Buck's first encounter with Eddie was so very physical (or rather, Buck made it about that, because that's what it's been for him for almost all of his life). And for that man (Eddie) to turn out to truly appreciate and love Buck for who he is, no matter what his body is like or what “functions” it may serve… that'd just be *chef's kiss*. The perfect reversal of all those other relationships Buck's had, where people got to appreciate his physicality before they could appreciate the person living inside it. Only for Eddie to step into his life (and staying there) to see past that, and immediately see the good and valuable person that's underneath it all. And to love him for it. Like, that would be build-up straight for the heavens.

This is fine… until it isn't

Yet another way this could go is that they don't go there at all, that the donation is indeed good enough. All swimmers are where they belong, and they are healthy and plenty. But it may still bite Buck on the perky butt. Either because it sinks in for him at long last what it means to be “donor, not dad”, and how he is actually not ready for that. Or because Connor and Kameron bail out. Again, two scenarios come to my mind:

The donation is done, the procedure works, Kameron becomes pregnant. The two thank Buck and bid him farewell. And Buck's left metaphorically standing in the rain, when they make clear what Hen warned him about: That they won't be seeing much of each other again in the future, that they won't stay in touch. Maybe a Christmas card at best. And that's what may crack Buck open like an egg at long last. Because before, it was all just hypothetical. But now it's fact. The proof is there that this is a part of him he'll never see grow, a part of him he'll never know. And he may try his best to be fine with it, just that he isn't.

The donation is done, but it's not needed anymore. Kameron winds up pregnant despite Connor's little team of swimmers. Now that the “pressure” was off of them and on Buck, maybe the swimmers finally had some fun. They are happy as they can be, having a child of their own at long last. And Buck is sure to be happy for them. Maybe he even thinks “dodged a bullet there, upon reflection”. But then it dawns on him. Here we go again. He was not chosen. Despite being the best donor, despite doing everything right, Connor and Kameron didn't really need him in the end. And that might be just as devastating as a scenario wherein he can't donate, or a donation won't do the trick.

Again, both scenarios could very well lead to a serious breakdown in the aftermath. Even though Buck may very well try to keep himself together, to appear to be fine (as Maddie noted once), even though he isn't.

Because Buck seemingly tries to find happiness through other peoples' happiness (and their knowledge of what constitutes it for them). But we might see Connor and Kameron get their happiness without his help, leaving him none the wiser about what makes him truly happy, or even worse, leaving him unhappier than before.

Yet again, with Buddie goggles on (they are fancy, what can I say?), I think Eddie would be the one person to get through to him in that mess. Buck trying to seem fine, continuing to try to brush it off, even though he's coming apart by the seams. It'd be very much in-tune with how we got several instances by now that had Eddie (as well as the others) notice that Buck's acting off. Be it spacing out or drinking green smoothies (even though Eddie was definitely not just checking the smoothie in that shot, yo).

They are a (family) unit. Everyone is aware of that, which is why Eddie as well as the others assume he should know what's going on, though he doesn't. If Buck continues to hide things (like the donation), I do believe we might get Eddie forcing his way in at long last. Before, he likely respected Buck's decision (also something something about Eddie respecting Buck's (bodily) autonomy and his decisions in ways his parents never ever did or even could). But if it's no longer about that, Eddie may very well occupy that space again and force his way in, like Buck did when he broke down the door to get to him when he hit rock-bottom.

Buck, the backup plan

One of the many elephants in the room is the discussion of the will. Eddie hasn't brought it back up yet, neither has Buck, but this whole sperm donation arc would be perfect for it to come back full swing. Because here we have Buck as the literal backup plan for Kameron and Connor, who tried to get pregnant but couldn't, so now they are looking at Buck to fill the spot (by filling a cup).

While Eddie was able to drive the point home about Buck being inherently valuable aka not expendable, I do believe we might get some more introspection of Buck. Namely, that his takeaway of the legal guardianship is not just Eddie's trust in him to watch out for what's most important in his life (his son), in the event that something should happen to him. But that it is also: I'm the backup. I'm not the first choice. I'm the choice in case things go wrong.

And if that's what Buck comes out of regarding the sperm donation, that will force Eddie to have that conversation. And it may very well lead to him being forced into some more reflection of his own. Because the other elephant in the room is what it means to him that he named Buck Christopher's legal guardian. What does it mean to him emotionally to rely on someone who blindly with his most important thing, his future? Why is that he can so blindly rely on Buck, when he won't believe in curses, jinxes, or fate? Yes, he got “proof” for Buck's love and care for Christopher. That's what solidified the choice for him, and wherein he continues to be proven right. But. What does it say about you, Eddie? What does it say about you feel for Buck, by entrusting him with that which you love the most in the world? Hm?

To finally end this madness

I think I confused myself and y'all enough with this rambling, so I will now conclude this post with reaffirming my belief in:

Buck Breakdown Era is coming (pun definitely intended).

Eddie will be a key figure in helping Buck navigate that.

This may very well solidify Buddie in the near future.

We have great opportunity to bring the will back into play at long last.

And I have no clue what will become of Buck's lil' swimmers.

And I guess, that's good. For now anyway. Though I guess I might ramble some more. It's what I do, what can I say? Anywho.

Cheers!

#buddie #911 spoilers #911 season 6 #911 season 6 spoilers #evan buckley #eddie diaz #ramblings #that are random

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oswednesday · 1 year

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the art exhibit itself was really nice!

like, gdfgfd whoever put it together had their salt on display for the immersive traveling van gogh show and the museum’s exhibition was more about like acquisition, industry and sales, like these occupy such completely separate spaces, its baffling how someone can have such a prestigious job but also be a weird baby about other forms of gallery shows, omg that said, there was really cool use of like full wall murals for newspaper clippings were the early showings were reviewed and talked about by art critics, there was a neat bit about ones people thought were van gogh’s but were by a different artist completely lost to time????????????????????????????? there were loaned out ones from like all over the place!! along with the museums actual collection, and there were no guard rails or like those velvet chain thingies, it was just a line of tape on the ground, you could get sooo close to them, one guard stationed in a center room who was really taking his job seriously kept going up to people to tell them to stop gesturing into the painting, cause people would go up to the line and point, and i know how this sounds but i came away with like more memory of the other people in the gallery, like one person had this really low cut sweater top with a rhinestone bow that was catching light in all sorts of ways, there was a couple very loudly talking about the masters degree in art history they just got, a very very thin around 50-70 lady with a sever head hugging bob and like those leathery high heel boots, some lady who was wearing a designer like Artisan Gallery Goer poncho thingy, someone wearing what i would describe as 90s baby slut but with like a otomey twist and the different guards in the different rooms and an extremely tiny lady who would swerve in between the crowd to get a close up picture of each painting and like groups who id recognize the voice of from room to room

tho back to the art omg, like my fave bit was a room that recreated the gallery show of the first american showing of a van gogh, they had gathered the other paintings in the show and it was so so soooo cool to see, like that time period captured, those artists together, seeing what people would have seen, like the the futuristic artist next to the impressionist artists, not like put in different sections but side by side, you get to experience how people would have felt like its so hard to understand how Not into impressionists americans were at the time until youre next to like a ten foot tall futurist painting or until youre caught by the boldness of early modernism

another neat thing was that each like entry space a self portrait was placed like, and a lot of times there were no one like around them, like id be in a room just at the right time to see only one person looking at a self portrait and it felt really magical omg

and like i got to see just about every one of them up close tho i do admit i kinda skirted quickly through the more like Realism section of his work that he did for like the commercial sector pretty much, at the end there was a really nice sitting area by a little movie thing about myth dispelling and it let out to a little gift shop, the selection at the immersive one was a lot better but i got a neat little pen, what really impressed me was that the gift shop installer had put open umbrella up above so different like art prints of them spun about in the circulated air

there was a feeling over all of like an assembly line which i think is kinda offensive for a non-tour open gallery showing so i tried to scuttle out of the flow of the crowd when ever possible, which like i was wearing a mask and it was also good to avoid like when groups of people would congest in front of a single painting, so i got to like stand close to ones the mass group werent too yet and then id circle back

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yanoharuhito · 1 year

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please don't misgender the artist. Are you not a seki x yano shipper yourself? fujo/fudan is just a term for people who like boys love. Most of the sekiyano artists in the Japanese fandom are considered fujos themselves. Because of fujos sekiyano was able to gain popularity. Meteor himself is friends with many fujoshi. People have taken 'proship' to an extreme and assume it means people who ship only 'problematic' content, in reality in means people who 'ship and let ship'. It doesn't mean a proshipper likes every single taboo subject, rather that they understand that the content is fiction and won't judge people for what they enjoy in fiction. I really think you are taking this a bit too extreme. They haven't done anything wrong but simply exist.

hey woah man. i already addressed that in the last ask i received and removed the term. i was initially not of the knowledge that the term was gendered and i thank you both (assuming you're separate anons) for pointing it out to me. it was my bad.

but furthermore, i'd like to explain why i'm not fond of the term fujoshi, especially now that i'm more aware of its meaning. if we're using the most commonly accepted definition, then it's a girl or otherwise non gay man who is a fan of BL/yaoi. as a gay man, it makes me endlessly uncomfortable that the sexuality i identify with is often fetishized to a degree. and it's not just gay guys too, this kind of sexualization and bastardization of our queer identities spans over the entire LGBT+ community. i think it's way too often that (in this case) gay men get bogged down to fap material and seen as inherently sexual objects. it also bothers me that you felt the need to tell me how i should and shouldn't feel as a gay man regarding the fetishization of gay people.

and i'm not saying that YOU, the writer of this ask, explicitly see gay guys as sex objects (because i feel like that would be a REALLY stupid leap in logic,) but what i'm getting at is that the term 'fujoshi' and its related terms come from a place of fetishization and i can't be comfortable with that. even if the content that supplies ships i genuinely enjoy is sourced from places that make me uncomfortable.... it's not really like there's many other places to go? there's a frustrating lack of gay content in the west that i can connect with and i find it absolutely annoying that i have to search for fan content from these people because it makes *me* compliant too. it's a byproduct of the system currently in place. and it frustrates me that there are people out there who choose to self identify as fujoshis/fudanshis/the like who in the same breath insist that they're "the good ones" without bothering to acknowledge the feelings of the gay men being portrayed in these works. and even when they do acknowledge it, a lot of the time they choose to remain compliant. it weirds me out and i'm entitled to feel that way.

and this segways into the proshipper thing. i'm aware of what the term means. i still find myself feeling less than comfortable with it. you highlight that the term means "ship and let ship" and that it doesn't inherently mean that you're a supporter/fan of "problematic" pairings and the like. i would still like to argue though, that if you fall into the more neutral category under that term... i still find it pretty weird that you're willing to be compliant with others who DO engage with these alleged problematic pairings. like, i don't know man, but i personally put myself a million figurative miles away from a shotacon/lolicon. if you don't feel weirded out by those people, then fine, but i'm going to question you too at that point. take a shot every time i say "compliance" in this post.

and let me be perfectly clear. i have no grudge against any of you. i don't know you, and the only person among you whose identity i'm even remotely aware of is someone i've only interacted with minimally. i've not gone after anyone, and the direct conversation i've had with anyone has been entirely civil. to tell me how to feel, that i'm overreacting, that i'm taking things to the extreme-- that's what i feel particularly insulted by. and i'm not going to pick a fight with you because clearly we disagree and i assume you're as stubborn as i am. that's okay. but i don't appreciate having people come into by ask box telling me that it's "extreme" of me to simply make attempts to distance myself from people i disagree with.

(as a small footnote, i'd like to make note that i don't have the energy to go into depth about the fiction affecting reality bit, because for one, it would increase the length of this post by a mile, and two, it's already been discussed by people more eloquent than me. if you're that curious about it, i implore you to seek out others who share my opinions to give their two cents about it.)

#long post

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rollercoasterwords · 1 year

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hi, i hope you're doing well! i loved your fandom post as a noob and it served as an opportunity for me to understand any pre-conceived notions of fandom i may have as someone who's just dipping her toes in the playground.

this might be weird to ask (feel free to ignore) but i'm someone who tends to get into a fit of analyzing + focusing on various parts of a story, the characters, their characterization (non negotiable for me), relationships and so forth. however i also see fandom as a playground where you're exploring and experimenting with canonical happenings with whatever degree of accuracy or play. is it bad if that's my frame point regarding fandom and fics?

do you have any tips for navigating ao3 or making the best of it in terms of extensions? i don't have any fandom friends and as i mentioned before, i like reading fics and noting what works and doesn't work for me. however, i don't think there's any kind of option on ao3 for me to organize or leave comments for myself so i remember?

ooo and final thing (not sure if you addressed it), how the hell do you navigate fandom discourse when some takes are just so loud and wrong lol?

sorry for the ramble,,, thank you for your posts 💗💗

hi ty i'm glad you enjoy my posts! one thing i wanna reiterate tho--i am not an expert by any means on like fandom lmao my thoughts are just my thoughts like. i myself have only been involved in the marauders fandom for a single year and there are people who have a lot more time and experience interacting with these spaces.

as far as what you're talking about with like analyzing fics...i'm not entirely sure i understand the question? like, i don't think it's a bad thing to spend time thinking about characterizations and stuff as long as you're acknowledging that this is a space where people are allowed to experiment and play around with stuff however they want, and there's no like Single Truth about the way any story needs to be written.

as far as navigating ao3 and having a way to leave comments for yourself--you can bookmark fics and write notes in the bookmarks and leave tags and stuff! one thing to keep in mind though is that writers can see the stuff you put down in bookmarks, so if you have any negative commentary (even if it's just personal stuff you like or dislike that you want to keep track of for yourself) i'd say it's best to keep that bit private or just make like a separate spreadsheet or something. or if you really want to keep track of it all on ao3 then think up a rating or tagging system for yourself that won't clue a writer in if you didn't like their fic. like instead of putting down like...3/5 stars or whatever be like "pink is stuff i love, orange is stuff i like, purple is stuff i dislike" and then you can just tag pink orange and purple and a writer seeing it isn't gonna know what that means and get their feelings unnecessarily hurt, y'know?

and navigating fandom discourse....honestly i feel like i just avoid it lmao like i post my thoughts and shit on my blog but this is my own little corner of the internet, y'know? like honestly i'm not trying to insert myself into any fandom discourse or drama because it's just not worth it to me because this is literally just a hobby. like...it's fanfiction. if i see shit that really bothers me because it's so loud and so wrong i rant about it to my sister mostly or like to friends. or i write about it on here where i'm pretty isolated and just sharing thoughts with like The Circle Of Mutuals. but there are always going to be people being loud and wrong about things on the internet and sometimes you just have to accept it and move on for your own peace of mind lol

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lady-laureline · 4 months

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Another ramblepost.

After mulling it over for a few months, I am ~97% sure I'm autistic. As this is the second neurodevelopmental label I've acquired after adhd, I'm somewhat more familiar with the whole revelatory process - i.e. the "so that's why I do that" and "no wonder this keeps happening" moments that are a significant part of why said labels feel justified (others have been explored & rejected).

I have all these little anecdotes about weird misconceptions that have kept me from spending time on the things I find worthwhile, such as feeling like I was too late to the party to be considered a legitimate part of a subculture, or taking my crappy memory as evidence that I don't care about this thing as much as I think I do. One notable moment was realising that I hadn't gotten myself a poster I wanted because of some subconscious narrative that personalised décor is for "real people".

All of this is to say that I've always been aware of several degrees of separation between myself and the general public, and not just because I wanted to be special.1 Growing up neurodivergent means you can never quite close that gap, and that shapes the way you interact with the world: studies on the social perception of autistic individuals basically say that being "a little off" is enough to ruin a first impression, which is, in turn, enough for most people to write you off as undesirable.2

And I'll be honest, I wasn't nearly as excited about figuring out my autism as I was about my adhd before I even thought to look at the evidence. The stereotypes are notably less palatable: at least adhd gets the manic pixie dream girl, but ask someone to describe an autistic person and there's still a good chance they'll default to a stubborn six-year-old boy with encyclopedic knowledge of the Cretaceous and zero interest in making friends.3

Even representation that is halfway decent tends to portray autistic characters without any inclination towards concealing their atypical traits, often lacking the self-awareness to even consider it, so people get confused by the thought of us operating somewhere between social grace and social oblivion. Then again, people also short-circuit when they see a wheelchair user stand up for 0.2 seconds.

Some things you don't understand until you're forced to. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't listened to someone's lived experience with unfamiliar symptoms while trying to conceal my doubt. There was a time when I wouldn't have believed my own claims, what with my warped sense of time and my hyperacusis, is thAt even a tHing lol

There's something I really want to pin down about trying to exist while everyone around you keeps sending you signals that your very perception of reality is just wrong. It messes with your head, undermines your identity. I've been working so hard at unraveling trauma bundle after trauma bundle, and I'm only just starting to believe I'm even allowed on this planet, you know? Some people aren't so lucky.4 I'd love to be at ease with myself without needing to justify it to some imaginary audience.

This brings me to my next point: cringe.

I am one of many who treat self-censorship like a necessary evil for the sake of appearing adjusted enough. Whether it's self-soothing with the hand-flappy thing, going off on a tangent about a topic of interest, or feeling the overwhelm creep into my nervous system, there are plenty of impulses and reactions that I've learned to stifle so that people will be more inclined to talk to me.

What's the problem with that, you might ask. Isn't learning to adapt a good thing?

I hear you, but this isn't adaptation, this is assimilation. We don't get to choose how our bodies process information, no amount of discipline that will rewire our brains to be "normal". We have a natural way of operating, but most of us have been moderating ourselves for so long that we don't even know what that is. We only know that bad things happen when the mask falls, when composure is outpaced by stress. Looking at it this way, it makes a lot more sense that the world only recognises autism at its worst.

Setting boundaries would ease the pressure, but when it comes to voicing smaller issues the assumption is that we're playing them up for attention. For those unprepared to imagine having to live with chronic discomfort, calling it a lie feels rational - which leaves us not calling for help, but embarrassing ourselves for some reason.

As a cherry on top, we still don't know what autism is, despite decades of research. Autistic brains are characterised by both hyper- and hypo-connectivity in different areas. There is consistency in certain functional deficits, however studies keep getting conflicting results while trying to map these out.5

While elusive in origin, our differences put us at measurable odds with the scattered demands of a modern environment. Sensory sensitivities are a giant handicap when we live in a flood of sensory information, and without the ability to develop the standard tolerance it becomes a constant battle to just feel okay on a day to day basis. But if we can outmanoeuvre the bad stuff, we can focus; and if we can focus, we can excel.6

I mentioned beforehand that a lot of the behaviours commonly recognised as autistic are linked to distress. My hope is that, with the growing awareness we're experiencing, we'll be able to normalise happier traits as well.

× × ×

1 Which I won't deny, but my secret teenage wishes had a lot more to do with being whisked away to the fairy realm than being bullied at school.

2 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5286449/

3 It's the "lack of empathy" in particular that gets under my skin. There are a whole bunch of steps between feeling an emotion and expressing it in a way that translates well. We're not always good at those steps - doesn't mean we don't care.

4 The suicide rate of autistic individuals is roughly sevenfold that of the general population. (International Research Priority Setting Exercise 2021, "Where do we go from here?")

5 https://embrace-autism.com/autistic-brain-differences-connectivity/

6The other option is putting the bad stuff on hold - intoxication can offer temporary sensory reprieve to some. Without other accommodations available (as is all too often the case), this can easily turn into a destructive habit.

#ramblepost #i've got stuff to say ok #it was the x-files poster if anyone is wondering #i want to believe #to be cringe is to be free #neural signatures #fermented feelings #buckets of woe #social grace #social oblivion #social okayness #autism #adhd #audhd #studies #sources #rabbitology #spotify

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