Do you think Jaskier is afraid of spiders? Like sure, he travels, it's a time when people can't be picky, he made friends with a bunch of rats. But still. You can't tell me that if a spindly spider fell on him and he felt it crawling over him that he wouldn't have a...reaction (freak the fuck out)?
To preface this and why I'm asking: last night I took a shower only to be unable to do my shower things (the usual: scrubbing, singing, pretending I'm in a dramatic rain scene post-battle reminiscing on the carnage that had unfolded, and how I was forced to strike down the villain who was once my brother in arms who I loved dearly to save what remained of my group. The usual.) because I looked up to find A FUCKING DADDY LONG LEGS -
A MOTHERFUCKING HARVESTMAN -
THE SPIDER PEOPLE CLAIM CAN NOT BITE YOU WHICH IS IN FACT NOT TRUE THEY'RE JUST NOT POISONOUS BUT EITHER WAY KEEP THOSE GANGLY FEATHER-LIGHT-GOOSEBUMP-MAKIN LEGS AWAY FROM ME -
in my shower. Crawling across the shower curtain. Just meer inches from me because this tub can at best fit a child for bathtime. So it can maybe give a 5"1 23-year-old girl maybe 3 feet (at best) room away from any given spider that intrudes to sit in a corner. But this bitch was on the curtain IN THE CENTER. After moments of furiously batting water from the shower head in the direction of the spider, I realized it was on the other side. I have two shower curtains. The plastic inside-curtain contains the water, and a cloth one for decorative show because the plastic one can get gross. So this spindly bitch was between those curtains. Unable to get me. Until it started climbing up. I attempted to smash it through the curtain but clearly, that was useless. It just dropped and proceeded to disappear. It didn't appear in the tub so it must have gone over the other side.
I am nearsighted. My eyesight has gotten progressively worse my whole life, has stopped in the prime of life but will resume deteriorating in the next few years. I can do practically nothing without my glasses unless my face is up close. My depth perception is way off and people have few discernible features if they're more the five feet away. Any farther and people have no faces whatsoever. I'm nearsighted, capiche?
What I'm trying to say is I can not see where this fucker dropped. If I can't see a human face six feet in front of me I sure as hell can't see a spider against a dark tile floor. Even if I were to gather the courage to reach over the toilet to grab my glasses, the bathroom is filled with steam and so are they. I'm not finding this fucker unless he crawls back up to contrast the white walls of the tub or the curtain again. He doesn't. So after I've hurriedly scrubbed my hair and body so I can vacate this damned tub, I realized it could have crawled into the towels I have laid out. So I furiously shake both of them until I'm certain that even if this menace was on them, he ain't anymore.
So there's the story of how a daddy long legs made me cower in the tub and then disappeared in my 9x5 bathroom.
So yeah. I'm a wimp. But at least, between me and my brother, I'm the one who could actually kill the bugs and get rid of them. I need to see them to be able to get rid of them though.
ANYWAYS BACK TO WHAT YOU CAME FOR AND HOPEFULLY STAYED FOR. IT'S JASKIER'S TURN TO BE INTIMIDATED BY A SPIDER!
I had a thought in those moments of terror last night. What if Jaskier, more or less, got trapped by a spider. Like maybe at an inn, where he's taking his bath, the tub is situated in the corner, and he sees a spider marching across the rim near him. He pushes himself closer to the center and off the rim of the tub. Where the tub is situated, Jaskier is effectively trapped between a wall, a dresser stand, and the spider, blocking his way to freedom.
Maybe he's at Kaer Morhen, down in the hot springs, and the spider is pacing the steps out (don't say there are no steps, fanon made this hot spring up so I can design it how I like) of the water. The only way out of the water without scaling a rock wall that Jaskier can't touch the top of, let alone crawl over without help.
Geralt comes in, and Jaskier, in Jaskier fashioned, believes his beloved Witcher will be his knight, or rather Witcher, in blackened armor and remove this menace so he can safely exit the water.
Yeah, Geralt is not going to do that. Jaskier can just step over the arachnid or smash it.
"GERALT! It is the size of your hand! Have you seen your hand? It's huge!"
Geralt still isn't going to give in.
If they're at an inn: I don't know how Jaskier gets out besides he finally splashes enough water that the spider goes over the edge and he makes a run for it. What if it fell the other way, into the water. The screams unintentionally attract a job for Geralt as the town worries a monster is terrorizing or has killed someone.
If they're at Kaer Morhen: I have more fun.
Geralt sees Jaskier, free from the hot springs and coming in for supper. At first, he supposes the bard either manned up and handled the spider or adrenaline finally kicked in for Jaskier to heave himself over the wall of the hot spring pool.
As it turns out, it was Jaskier's original request that saved him. However, rather than Geralt starring as the Witcher in blackened armor, Eskel played the role instead. He had come in not long after Geralt initially abandoned Jaskier to the spider's mercy and had removed it to put outside the keep.
Geralt is not jealous. Why would he be? If anything, he should be relieved attention is off him as he watches Jaskier praise Eskel for his "heroics" excessively to embarrassing for anyone who is not Jaskier proportions. Jaskier even offers to write a ballad about it, of course talking up the spider into much bigger and ganglier proportions than what the species is capable of. Geralt is not jealous, why would he be as his bard dotes on Eskel and pointedly ignores his presence.
Lambert manages to wiggle in some teasing. Joking around that Jaskier should be careful the spider doesn't come knocking at his window.
Lambert finds freezing his ass off while standing out on a ledge worth it as he uses a trophy Kikimora leg that used to be for lessons to tap at Jaskier's window. Very worth it as he relishes the piercing scream that echos through the keep and possibly down the mountain.
Geralt finds lending the prop to Lambert under Vesemir's nose very worth it too as Jaskier hides under the covers of Geralt's bed. Muttering about spiders and revenge while safe from such when pressed against Geralt's side. Or, you know, maybe Jaskier's not really bothered by spiders. But it'd be more fun if he is.
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☆ even the gods bleed
{☆} characters furina, neuvillette
{☆} notes cult au, imposter au, multi-chapter, gender neutral reader
{☆} warnings blood, injury, light angst
{☆} word count 2.3k
What was justice?
Focalors had asked herself that question many times during the long nights she spends awake pouring over the prophecy of a dead God, words replaying in her mind like a broken record until the sun rose like a blooming flower.
She was the God of Justice, an Archon, yet she herself lacked the answer to such a simple and yet so very complex question.
How does one define what is just and what is not? How does she know that what she believes to be just is right? Is it justice if one being alone may sway the scales of justice on a whim? What justice is there to be found in the cold, watery grave that awaits her nation?
She does not know.
Perhaps she may never know.
What she does know, at least, is that this is not justice.
It is a mockery of it.
She stands before the bloodied, broken body like the judge, her sword held so tightly in her hand her fingers feel stiff, a dull ache adding to the weight of what she's seen. For a long, horrible moment she almost thinks they are dead – something she would have reveled in, only a day prior – before she sees the subtle rise and fall of their chest. Breathing, but barely.
The rain felt heavier upon her shoulders at the realization – she was not sure if it was in relief or horror.
Her nails dig into her palm, mind stuck somewhere between that abject horror and confusion so palpable she swore she could hear the gears in her head turning.
For a long, silent moment as she stares upon the body beneath the heavy rain..she wonders if this is how it all ends instead. If the world itself will simply crumple in on itself and cease – without its heart, it will wither, after all – long before the waters ever swallow her nation whole.
Because, try as she might to rationalize it, for every drop of rain that hits her like pins and needles, soaking her down to the bone..the body of the imposter is completely dry. Even the water pooling along the stones dares not to leave so much as a splotch against their ragged, torn clothes.
She remembers the meeting so very clearly, and she thinks she is a fool to not have noticed sooner – the Creator upon their gilded throne, finger pointed in accusation at the visage far too similar to their own. The imposter. She remembers the lilt of their voice as they called for their death as easily as one would speak of the weather – and to no one other then herself would she admit the spark of fear it had ignited within her. Because beneath the divine charade there was a sick enjoyment in the way they looked upon the imposter – like a bug beneath their shoe.
She understands, now.
She had thought that perhaps finally – finally – she could do right by her people, by her Creator, if she rid Teyvat of this..intrusion.
Now she sees herself as what it all really is – blind lambs following the herder.
Perhaps she would be considered a heretic under the eyes of the law – beneath the weight of justice, heavy as the heart that bears its sins. Perhaps this is a mistake, one she would come to regret.
But for now, she sheathes her blade with unsteady hands, the sound making her ears ring – for what she had almost done, what she had already done – as she stumbles like a newborn lamb towards the broken body of..
..What, exactly? Human? Divine? She is not so sure what to call them. Creator? No. The name is bitter upon her tongue, now, burning like liquid flame down her throat.
Where once she had spoken it in reverence and admiration, it felt hollow and empty, now.
Her vision wavers as she kneels down against the rain soaked stones, the rain upon her back growing heavier as she reaches a shaky hand forth – and for a moment, however brief, she feels the weight of expectation, of a title she fears she may never live up to, wash away with the waters that fall from the heavens.
The bruises and blood smeared across their skin are like strokes of a paintbrush, their body the canvas from which such horrid art is created. It makes her ill.
Doubt wavers her composure briefly – her position is already unsteady. She has never been seen as an equal to many of the other Archons. Her own people do not see her as their Archon, but an actor in a grand play that they shall simply toss aside and replace like a broken doll the moment she bores them.
What does she have left to lose?
She reaches out again, her hand settling onto their shoulder and turning them onto their back. She..isn't sure what to do, actually. She's never been particularly physically capable – she tended to avoid fights, even if she oft provoked them – and she was certainly no healer.
Yet what choice does she have but to march on anyway? She is in the heart of the city, it is far more dangerous here then anywhere else..she had little time to make her move.
Fontaine was, after all, a nation founded on the principle of justice. To know an injustice has been made against the most Divine..the entire nation was in a frenzy.
Her eyes dart around nervously, hands clasped tight on their shoulders and her lips drawn into a taut line – someone would notice her absence. One of the Archons would point out her absence in the coordination of the search.
Her options were just as limited as her time – she couldn't just take them out of the city. Security was tight, and as much as she fancied herself an escape artist – Neuvillette could hardly keep her in one place for too long – she doubted she could do the same with the limp body of the imposter in tow.
..The Palais Mermonia it was, then.
Her room had a secret entrance that few knew about, and even fewer would dare to traverse. She just..had to hide them there for a bit and hope Neuvillette wouldn't notice anything different.
Probably.
Still, there was the problem of actually..transporting the body. As grim as it sounded. Her only solace was the fact she didn't have to worry about them catching a cold, at least, and their breaths were still audible, if only barely. So she had to resort to some..unexpected methods.
Seeing the limp form of, well, the imposter – she'd really have to ask for something else to call them when they woke up – stuck in a bubble of hydro wasn't exactly on her bucket list.
Then again, neither was treason.
Well, first time for everything, right?
It wasn't breaking the law if no one else knew about it.
..Neuvillette didn't have to know about it, really. It was fine.
She could, of course, technically try to talk some sense into Neuvillette – he'd listen to her, right? She thought she was pretty close with him..but he was also the one person more obsessed with justice then she was. Such a stickler for the law..so maybe she's breaking a few, it's fine.
But he was also pretty devout, as much as he tried to keep his worship private – with Focalors around, nothing was really secret. Maybe she could get him to settle down long enough to prove it.
..How was she going to prove it?
An exaggerated groan escaped her lips as she led the bubbled imposter – she really wished she didn't have to resort to that, it would be a lot a more awkward to explain then dragging the body around – through the winding streets of Fontaine. She's just glad she's already memorized the entire city like the back of her hand..and a little dramatics went a long way. People listened when the Hydro Archon spoke, and she was suddenly very, very glad for that fact, even if they treated her more like a mascot then a God.
And partially because she, maybe, just a little..stole a few documents detailing the layout and a little personal exploration of her own – but what Neuvillette didn't know couldn't hurt him!
After what felt like hours, though was really no more then half an hour at best, she'd managed to drag herself – soaked to the bone with rain – and the conveniently bubbled imposter up through the secret entrance and into her room.
The perceived safety, as flimsy as it was, was..comforting. Until she heard the rustle of fabric, the clearing of a throat and the pop of a bubble as she, in her surprise, popped it – and then the thud of the imposter hitting the floor.
She felt a bit of regret about that part, at least, wincing.
"Lady Furina." His voice was as sharp and cool as she remembered it always being – like fresh spring water, she'd heard it described. Soothing. It did not feeling very soothing right about now.
She turned sharply on her heel, a forced smile tugging at her lips on reflex, every muscle in her body tensed – she probably looked like a wet cat right about now, soaked with rain, but that was the last thing on her mind.
"Do you mind explaining what, exactly, you did?" Not what you're doing, she notes – what she did. He was mad. Oh, she was really in for a scolding now. She twiddled her thumbs, laughing weakly, though it quickly dies out at the awkward, tense silence.
"Well, you see – it's rather complicated! I can– I can explain." Her attempts to diffuse are met with a raised brow and the sharp tap of his cane. Every single thought is plagued with the urge to run, but the unsteady breathes of the 'imposter' keep her rooted in place. "Well?"
She was sweating bullets, her nails digging into her palm as she scrambled for any excuse that could warrant her not getting hauled off and scolded thoroughly at best – she was coming up empty. How was she supposed to prove that the 'imposter' was very much not what the 'Creator' said they were? Their unconscious body was doing no one any favors, certainly.
"The Creator is lying," She blurts out, immediately regretting her impulsiveness when she feels the sudden weight of his stare – the piercing hues of his eyes that remind her just who is the strongest between them. It is not her, she knows. It never has been. "You can see for yourself! Don't you trust me, Neuvillette–?"
Her voice is cut off by the sharp click of his cane as he strides across the room in only a few steps, his height making her feel like a child about to scolded. She hated it, but she grit her teeth through the exchange. She reminded herself that this was for the sake of the 'imposter' and any affront to her ego was..tolerable.
To her credit, too, she didn't immediately lash out when she saw him poke at their body with his cane, turning them onto their back – she wanted too, though. She considered it, but the thought was quickly shot down when his stare turned back upon her, and she felt frozen in place again, her tongue a heavy weight in her mouth.
Yet she couldn't shake the sudden tenseness to his shoulders, his brows furrowed and a distant look to his eyes. It was..haunting, in a way.
She knows it well, she realizes. The realization and acceptance, the crumbling of every solid foundation you've ever known – leaving you to flounder in the waves, alone and afraid.
The gentleness in which he picks up the limp body surprises her though, his cane set aside. The rain howls like a horrid storm outside, but she cannot focus on anything but the furrow of their brows, the soft noise that escapes their lips.
"I trust that you know that this must stay between us," His voice is soft, like the gentle lap of waves against the shore, as he sets their body down against the bed, his hand lingering against their cheek with something almost like reverence – and if her eyes do not deceive her, affection. "Lady Furina."
She does not hesitate to agree.
"Well– well of course!" She huffs, crossing her arms over her chest and frowning at the feeling of her wet clothes clinging to her skin, a heavy weight that feels like it's dragging her down. "Just what do you take me for?"
He doesn't deign to respond.
It only makes her fume more.
Not that he seems to notice, unbuttoning his heavy outerwear and tossing it on the bed, rolling up his sleeves and focusing on the injured– er..yeah, she really needed a new name for them. Calling them imposter felt wrong.
"So long as you understand, then we will have no problems." She huffs again, pouting and puffing up her cheeks, sitting down on the other end of the bed with only an occasional glance towards him as he worked at peeling away the ragged clothes and examining the injuries marring their skin.
She suddenly felt out of place.
..What was she supposed to be doing?
As if noticing her sudden quietness, Neuvillette sighed, his back turned to her though his attention very much falling upon her. She really hated the feeling like she was being dissected whenever he looked at her. It was unnerving. She doesn't know how anyone else handles it..
"If you are so eager to do something, Lady Furina, then please have something brought up for when our..guest awakens. They will need to recover their strength."
Finally! Something she can do. She perks up, her heels clicking on the floorboards as she darts out like a bullet, unable to stay still for so much as a moment.
Neuvillette, for his part..
Feels an odd sense of serenity as he stares upon the troubled features of the..guest. A peace that lessens the burdens upon his shoulders, the weight of a nation upon his back.
He cannot hear the rain, anymore.
..It must have stopped.
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Do you think Jaskier is afraid of spiders? Like sure, he travels, it's a time when people can't be picky, he made friends with a bunch of rats. But still. You can't tell me that if a spindly spider fell on him and he felt it crawling over him that he wouldn't have a...reaction (freak the fuck out)?
To preface this and why I'm asking: last night I took a shower only to be unable to do my shower things (the usual: scrubbing, singing, pretending I'm in a dramatic rain scene post-battle reminiscing on the carnage that had unfolded, and how I was forced to strike down the villain who was once my brother in arms who I loved dearly to save what remained of my group. The usual.) because I looked up to find A FUCKING DADDY LONG LEGS -
A MOTHERFUCKING HARVESTMAN -
THE SPIDER PEOPLE CLAIM CAN NOT BITE YOU WHICH IS IN FACT NOT TRUE THEY'RE JUST NOT POISONOUS BUT EITHER WAY KEEP THOSE GANGLY FEATHER-LIGHT-GOOSEBUMP-MAKIN LEGS AWAY FROM ME -
in my shower. Crawling across the shower curtain. Just meer inches from me because this tub can at best fit a child for bathtime. So it can maybe give a 5"1 23-year-old girl maybe 3 feet (at best) room away from any given spider that intrudes to sit in a corner. But this bitch was on the curtain IN THE CENTER. After moments of furiously batting water from the shower head in the direction of the spider, I realized it was on the other side. I have two shower curtains. The plastic inside-curtain contains the water, and a cloth one for decorative show because the plastic one can get gross. So this spindly bitch was between those curtains. Unable to get me. Until it started climbing up. I attempted to smash it through the curtain but clearly, that was useless. It just dropped and proceeded to disappear. It didn't appear in the tub so it must have gone over the other side.
I am nearsighted. My eyesight has gotten progressively worse my whole life, has stopped in the prime of life but will resume deteriorating in the next few years. I can do practically nothing without my glasses unless my face is up close. My depth perception is way off and people have few discernible features if they're more the five feet away. Any farther and people have no faces whatsoever. I'm nearsighted, capiche?
What I'm trying to say is I can not see where this fucker dropped. If I can't see a human face six feet in front of me I sure as hell can't see a spider against a dark tile floor. Even if I were to gather the courage to reach over the toilet to grab my glasses, the bathroom is filled with steam and so are they. I'm not finding this fucker unless he crawls back up to contrast the white walls of the tub or the curtain again. He doesn't. So after I've hurriedly scrubbed my hair and body so I can vacate this damned tub, I realized it could have crawled into the towels I have laid out. So I furiously shake both of them until I'm certain that even if this menace was on them, he ain't anymore.
So there's the story of how a daddy long legs made me cower in the tub and then disappeared in my 9x5 bathroom.
So yeah. I'm a wimp. But at least, between me and my brother, I'm the one who could actually kill the bugs and get rid of them. I need to see them to be able to get rid of them though.
ANYWAYS BACK TO WHAT YOU CAME FOR AND HOPEFULLY STAYED FOR. IT'S JASKIER'S TURN TO BE INTIMIDATED BY A SPIDER!
I had a thought in those moments of terror last night. What if Jaskier, more or less, got trapped by a spider. Like maybe at an inn, where he's taking his bath, the tub is situated in the corner, and he sees a spider marching across the rim near him. He pushes himself closer to the center and off the rim of the tub. Where the tub is situated, Jaskier is effectively trapped between a wall, a dresser stand, and the spider, blocking his way to freedom.
Maybe he's at Kaer Morhen, down in the hot springs, and the spider is pacing the steps out (don't say there are no steps, fanon made this hot spring up so I can design it how I like) of the water. The only way out of the water without scaling a rock wall that Jaskier can't touch the top of, let alone crawl over without help.
Geralt comes in, and Jaskier, in Jaskier fashioned, believes his beloved Witcher will be his knight, or rather Witcher, in blackened armor and remove this menace so he can safely exit the water.
Yeah, Geralt is not going to do that. Jaskier can just step over the arachnid or smash it.
"GERALT! It is the size of your hand! Have you seen your hand? It's huge!"
Geralt still isn't going to give in.
If they're at an inn: I don't know how Jaskier gets out besides he finally splashes enough water that the spider goes over the edge and he makes a run for it. What if it fell the other way, into the water. The screams unintentionally attract a job for Geralt as the town worries a monster is terrorizing or has killed someone.
If they're at Kaer Morhen: I have more fun.
Geralt sees Jaskier, free from the hot springs and coming in for supper. At first, he supposes the bard either manned up and handled the spider or adrenaline finally kicked in for Jaskier to heave himself over the wall of the hot spring pool.
As it turns out, it was Jaskier's original request that saved him. However, rather than Geralt starring as the Witcher in blackened armor, Eskel played the role instead. He had come in not long after Geralt initially abandoned Jaskier to the spider's mercy and had removed it to put outside the keep.
Geralt is not jealous. Why would he be? If anything, he should be relieved attention is off him as he watches Jaskier praise Eskel for his "heroics" excessively to embarrassing for anyone who is not Jaskier proportions. Jaskier even offers to write a ballad about it, of course talking up the spider into much bigger and ganglier proportions than what the species is capable of. Geralt is not jealous, why would he be as his bard dotes on Eskel and pointedly ignores his presence.
Lambert manages to wiggle in some teasing. Joking around that Jaskier should be careful the spider doesn't come knocking at his window.
Lambert finds freezing his ass off while standing out on a ledge worth it as he uses a trophy Kikimora leg that used to be for lessons to tap at Jaskier's window. Very worth it as he relishes the piercing scream that echos through the keep and possibly down the mountain.
Geralt finds lending the prop to Lambert under Vesemir's nose very worth it too as Jaskier hides under the covers of Geralt's bed. Muttering about spiders and revenge while safe from such when pressed against Geralt's side. Or, you know, maybe Jaskier's not really bothered by spiders. But it'd be more fun if he is.
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Etho's head is still strangely fuzzy, filled with something like a combination of cotton and bloodlust and hunger. He's sitting in the middle of their base. Cleo is tearing down the dripstone, complaining the whole time that Etho hadn't even built it right. Grian is fretting over his magma cube, even though his task is done. They both keep checking the door, and also checking on Etho as they wait nervously to find out if the apocalypse that had happened that past session was going to actually wear off now that the task was done.
Etho sits in the middle. The bloodlust and hunger is swirling around, sure, but the thing he feels most is the cotton. The fuzzy not-quite-there feeling. Something fuzzy and strange and slow, like his thoughts are made of syrup and death and safety, and...
And it hits him all at once what has happened, when Cleo puts a hand on his shoulder, tells him that they'll keep him safe until it wears off. The bloodlust and hunger are far away, replaced with that blank sense of safety. He leans into the touch. "Thanks, Cleo. That was all pretty wild, huh?" he says.
He doesn't really hear the responses. He feels Cleo's cold, dead hands, and even though they really shouldn't, they feel soft.
It hits him all at once. He'd say he's not sure how it happened, but he knows. He may have a reputation as cold, a loner, a survivor, but what he really is--everything he loves goes up in smoke, is the thing. Dogwarts, Bdubs, Joel, TIES--all of them, up in smoke around him, flames licking at his feet. It's nice if he can pretend he doesn't care. It's nice to pretend he's cold. That it won't hurt him this time. That he won't watch the smoke and fall apart this time.
Someone who doesn't know him, they might even believe it.
Cleo walks over to say something to Grian and Etho holds them in his vision and--breathes. The cotton isn't wearing off, but looking at them, he doesn't feel hungry at all. And he'd say he doesn't know how it happened, but he does.
It's love, all over again.
He wonders how much it'll hurt this time when it's done, but right now, he feels blessedly safe again. Grian and Cleo get into an argument. He watches the red of Cleo's hair and decides he made an okay choice, this time, for the thing that's going to kill him in the end.
Her hair already looks like fire.
He rubs his head and leans back where he sits. He should keep his mouth shut while he's still half-zombie, so that he doesn't say anything stupid like that out loud. He's pretty sure Cleo wouldn't appreciate it. Or maybe she would. You can never know, with a zombie like that one. That's part of what makes her perfect.
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