#can only post the The Life Ive Always Longed For post before it gets tired
Text
Rmmrmrmrmrmmr
#can only post the The Life Ive Always Longed For post before it gets tired#sigh#this home is a stagnant pool#deleting later probably cuz even if this is a vague Me update for bloggg i feel silly posting it
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
dog tired and destined to drown
shinsou hitoshi x (fem)reader
cw MDNI, established fwb, thoroughly whipped shinsou, reader is exhausted and in need of some assistance. pent up tears, not quite dacryphilia, fingering + oral (reader receiving), soft dom!shinsou, praise + reassurance, "my girl," and "pretty girl" used throughout. not sure how to tag -> "reader bursts into tears and gives shinsou a heart attack." two dopes lie to themselves about having casual feelings. 3.7k
He doesn’t stumble so much as melt into the dorms, after wrapping up a midnight patrol that’s made him contemplate eating his hero license. It’s fucking finals season.
Shinsou drags himself through the second round of glass safety doors and into the common room, empty, save for you. Hunched over a splay of books and colored pens on the round center table. Your head perks up at his entrance. His fingers tighten around the strap of his bag.
You’re sitting sleepy and so goddamned pretty in your favorite sweater and the ridiculous headband you never remember to take off after washing your face, a pretzel in your chair. One knee up (a round red imprint of it on your cheek) and both arms laden with paperwork too complicated for a sidekick. Shinsou imagines dropping his equipment on the common room floor and filling his hands with you. Kissing your forehead and stumbling stupidly off to bed hand in hand.
He doesn’t do any of that but does smile the way you both know is always only for you and rumbles with a quirk-worn voice, “Why are you awake?”
Nonchalance is attempted but as always it comes out cloying.
When Shinsou approaches your sticky note-highlighter-spiral bound workbench, you still haven’t answered the question and he realizes that your dark circles might actually be competing with his.
“Hitoshi,” you sag– and the exhaustion is so unlike you it's worrying– and crawl out of your seat, abandoning both slippers, to meet him. Before you can thud against his chest, Shinsou catches you with a palm to the forehead and drops his bag to the floor.
“Hey– hey, Y/n?”
If you weren’t dead on your feet you might’ve clicked both heels at the sound of your first name tumbling, finally so comfortably, from Shinsou’s lips. It took you getting knocked unconscious on a mission two months ago for him to even dare speak the word and while today was significantly less life threatening, it didn’t feel much better. As it stands, an IV drip might even do you some good.
“Bad day?”
Instead of answering, you slip your face from the worried hero’s hold and bury it into the shoulder of his sweatshirt.
You agreed, you both agreed to keep your relationship a secret from your friends. You both agreed it was just casual, a way to let out stress in the unrelenting chaos of third-year sidekick work. Nothing special, zero stakes. Although casual certainly does not mean crumbling into your fuckbuddy’s chest after a horrible day and you feel ridiculous before any words even manage to leave your mouth.
Shinsou practices saying your name, testing it over tongue and tooth under his breath, everyday, all day long. He considers inflection and emphasis, your foreign accent, and the way his own accent might fuck up the beautiful shapes. He’s a civilian in love, he doesn’t think you’re ridiculous.
“Are you hurt?” He asks, uninterested in who might walk into the common room and see you both like this. You shake your head, the last shake landing your face against the warm skin of his neck to nuzzle the pulse there, irregular, and take in the smell of his post-patrol shower. He holds back chills when you exhale against him.
He tries again, “Then what’s wrong?” and pushes your thick headband back far enough to pull it from your hair. He smooths down the frizz he caused with two big hands along the sides of your head, keeping up the slow and heavy strokes long after he’s tamed your flyaways.
“Y/n?”
“Civilian got hurt on patrol today.”
You don’t need to explain. Hero work doesn’t always feel triumphant.
“And I bombed my practice exam, and, and I just can’t fucking focus.”
Shinsou, worn-out in his own ways, wilts as he realizes how much deeper your exhaustion is than a failed test or injured civilian. It's been weeks for both of you, of mismatched patrol schedules and shitty sidekick busywork. Agencies across town, overnight shifts, and class in the morning. Worse than all that, your shoulders start to tremble from where he’s tucked you inside of him.
“Are they safe? The civilian.”
“Yeah,” you murmur, mostly muffled by his own collar, “just a short hospital stay.”
“Have you eaten?”
“Itsuka made dinner.”
“Is that a yes?”
You clutch at the sides of his jacket and nod again, accompanied by more chills and he simultaneously can’t watch and (more importantly) cannot stand just letting you cry silently against his shoulder. Shinsou brings his hands from your hair to your cheeks and pulls your face up to look at him from where you’ve hidden it.
No tears drip from your lashes. You just stare through him, more exhausted than anyone he’s ever seen save for Aizawa or a trip to any mirror. The usually aggressive twinkle in your eyes has dulled and suffice it to stay, Shinsou’s heart breaks a little bit more. You’re so pretty so close to him even under unflattering dorm lighting and the gutwrenching bite of your lip, holding back everything he’s sure overwhelms you inside.
He brushes both thumbs under your eyes and hopes that the very not-casual and actually quite unrelenting love that threatens to spill from him like honey, doesn’t seep into your skin from his touch and give him away.
“I’ll help you with work in the morning.. I think you should call it a night.”
For a second you continue to look at, through, and over him and then you lean forward for a kiss.
It’s warm and minty and Shinsou’s endlessly embarrassed by how easy it would be for your lips to kill him, but you’re needier than you should be considering the burden of your dark circles. He struggles to lean away and succumbs to the hungry tilt of your chin and the cloy of your tongue three more times before managing a staccato, “I don’t think–”
“I can’t sleep,” you breathe. You’ve dipped back far enough to speak and Shinsou knows he shouldn’t, but he cups your jaw– cradles your neck in either hand and sinks forward to press your lips together again. He’s so, so tired, and his head bobs lazily, but you cling to his sleeve and tuck your nose under his to follow where his mouth guides you.
In just a few seconds the pair of you are lost, Shinsou with his forehead pressed to yours and you with the unshakable urge to pull his stupid jacket off. Any classmate studying late or in need of a midnight snack might not have the strength to do anything but crawl back up the staircase at the sight of you.
You lean away earnestly this time and press your thumb into his swollen lip. It slides easily over saliva your tongue left behind and the hero watches every flicker of your eyes so sincerely it makes your ears hot.
“m sorry your day was so terrible.”
“Honestly, I’m so tired I can’t even cry. Toshi I’m–” This close, your eyes can’t focus well enough to see each other clearly but you still get butterflies under his gaze, “Can you help me fall asleep tonight?”
He slips his palms back up to your cheeks and tilts your head slowly, side to side to study you. In a bustling school morning or family dinner with class 3-B, Shinsou treats you as he would any other teammate. No touching save for a spar, no gifts or surprises, and certainly no sweet words. He does watch you though, from his desk beside yours. And says yes too quickly when you ask for help. He smiles every time he sees you, just slightly, and no one, none of your classmates and least of all you, has the heart to point it out in case he stops self-consciously.
Privacy is what makes Shinsou so touchy and if you could have seen the glaze over his eyes from this close, you would know there isn’t a thought in his head except for you.
He takes his time quietly tracing your jaw with his fingers and tucking your hair behind your ears. You know he’s worried about you, and you can feel in the lightness of his touch the way he’s sorting out how to tell you that you’re just gonna have to go to bed. For your health and safety and all those sappy things.
But Shinsou just watches you quietly for a few more seconds. He drinks in the sight of you after so many days apart and whispers, “Yes. Yeah, okay.” Processing your request in real time. He blinks back down to you, “My room?”
Practiced hands remember every cleft of your body even in dim lamplight. Shinsou’s chest is bare, warm– hot even and soft when you steady yourself against it. He’s real, there’s give in his skin when you squeeze him and a heartbeat in every vein under your fingers. You’re on your knees straddling his lap in an equally warm bed and trying your hardest not to make a single sound.
“Can I take this off?” He murmurs through hair in his spot behind your ear. Shinsou bites kisses up your shoulder while one hand flits at the clasp of your bra. Patient, steady. The other presses up each dip of your spine in the chill left behind by your long abandoned sweater. You nod. A flick, then two and your own chest is finally bare against his, nipples pert and pressed from how close Shinsou holds you.
It’s agonizing how gentle he is.
“You’re warm,” he whispers as you pull away to cup his face and roll your clothed hips over his own.
“Use me hero, I'm yours tonight just–”
He silences you in dim light with a kiss, more of a touch of lips, and leans his forehead against yours, “Slow down.”
He can’t trick you though, your words always send him to the brink. The tent of his briefs is a bulge between your legs now, easy to slide against and hot enough to warm you through your underwear. Faces pressed close Shinsou kisses you again, resting one hand on your ass and drawing the other up your back so lightly it sends chills feathering out in every direction.
“Not treating you rough when you’re so tired,” he breathes, “‘s not safe.”
You consider headbutting the man and decide against it, opting instead to pull his lips back to you with your teeth. You’re allowed a few rough kisses before Shinsou presses one of his hands flat to your stomach with fingertips so cold that your gasp breaks the seal between you.
He hums as your body trembles, cursing and shivering all while the sleepy hero takes his time warming himself up against you, in the dips of your cleavage and thighs. Shinsou, as always, wants to eat you alive.
“You work so hard Y/n, it’s my turn. My turn to make you feel good, yeah?” He drags a knuckle down your stomach, further and further until he grazes a spot too sensitive for you to keep still. Cute, he agonizes when you buck against his fingers and he smiles into your cheek when he finds the pooled wet waiting for him through your underwear.
Nodding wildly, you catch his lips again and grind your hips deeper into his, only relenting when Shinsou slips his hand under your waistband and truly gives you what you want. You gasp with his feathertouch at that sensitive bud, just the circle of two fingers before he presses deeper into your folds.
As your body pours into his too gentle touches Shinsou keeps you close, “C’mon, tell me.” A heavy hand slides up your spine, one notch at a time until his palm cradles the back of your neck. He’s wrapped around you, he’s supporting you at every angle and it’s allconsuming.
Shinsou doesn’t ask, he instructs; he doesn’t want to hurt you. The days he uses his quirk on you are rare and no matter how hot you think it is or how much effort you put into begging, he still makes you explain to him, with every detail you can imagine, what you want. You’re in love with him. You hope he can’t tell.
“Tell me.”
“You Toshi– inside of me, please ‘can’t wait–”
You must be blind if you can’t see how quickly he gives you everything you ask for.
With you straddling his lap, Shinsou presses two fingers at your quivering entrance and sinks, knuckles deep, finally inside of you.
It’s the deepest, hungriest ache. The hero’s digits drag wet with the slightest hint of a curve. Smooth and steady, Shinsou begins to pump his wrist, keeping those fingers you know so well hooked against the spot that fills your head with static.
You think you’ve said something– made some kind of sound in your haze because Shinsou’s chest rumbles with laughter as you melt so pretty for him. Finally unable to form a single exhausted thought.
“My sweet girl.”
Wet drips from his wrist and pools in his palm as he holds you steady over his thighs, rolling and suckling and pulling the fear and the fight from your body with his thick fingers. It’s all a dream. Spreading you open and kissing you better– his dream. He draws you tight against him with a hand at the back of your neck as he fucks you gentle, pressing your cheek to his shoulder and smiling when your fingers shake and tremble at his biceps, failing to clutch any part of him. There’s nothing but the sound of your gasping breaths, a hiccup and shaking whimper, but still he knows you’re sensitive tonight.
“Still with me?” He cooes with a voice rasped from patrol work, and when you whine, press a palm flat to his chest for some semblance of response he leans forward to tip you over his knees and flat onto the bed.
You gasp and he thinks you’re going to ask him why, but he can only look at you like this– laid out bare, warm exhaustion and half lidded eyes begging up at him– before pressing forward to kiss you. As you reach up to run fingers through his hair, he rocks his messy fingers against the ache inside of you he knows so well, huge flat palm hooking you there and grinding in circles over your clit.
It’s too much and not enough, Shinsou Hitoshi. Don’t get closer, don’t read my mind.
God, tongues folding, teeth clicking, Shinsou always falls apart when you kiss him. Dies a little in fact. He wants to taste more of you before he goes, before you kill him.
“Toshi, don’t–” you choke when the hero pulls away but as he slips farther between your legs, you have to bite your own hand to keep from making any sound someone might hear. Shinsou, with a cheek at your thigh, licks a fat wet strip from the dripping hole his fingers never stop pumping, all the way to a tiny aching bundle of livewires.
“Don’t what?” He breathes into you, freezing every movement. But you can only manage, – don’t stop– from between your fingers before he melts and starts back up again.
It’s a gentle lap first, kitten kisses meant to taste the wettest parts of you, before he hooks his free hand around your thigh and presses heavy under your stomach. The happy dull warmth of his working fingers becomes lighting again as he fucks into the pressure and your hands fly to his hair.
It’s not even a noise you make so much as a broken song. Ragged shallow breaths to stay quiet. Even with your thighs quivering tight against his ears, Shinsou hears your lopsided gasps and knows he should remind you to breathe– but when his fingers pull gently back on the hood of your pulsing bud he can’t do anything but cling to you. Jaw rolling, tongue lapping like a starving man.
You can’t help it. Shinsou hums with joy and tears flood your eyes immediately. Pleasure and exhaustion are going to tip you over the edge too quickly– embarrassingly, flatteringly, fast. Your heart is a comet filled with too many things. It’s impossible to stay still. You press the balls of your feet to his wide shoulders and try not to buck so hard, grinding your hips into a hero that won’t let you go.
Wet rolls down your cheeks and over the bridge of your nose when you tilt your head to muffle the cries that come with a shudder. He can taste how close you are; he’s almost drowning in it. He won’t change a thing. Shinso’s bicep flexes with every curl of his fingers inside of you and he moans with his mouth full, growling subconsciously, at the friction between his clothed cock and the lip of the mattress where he’s sunk inside of you hundreds of times.
“H-Hitoshi–”
Your chest shudders and heaves and there’s not stopping it now. You want to hear him say your name, praise you, pretty girl, but if his tongue stopped now you might burst into tears. You’re halfway there already.
One more hum from him and your weary composure snaps. Heat burst from your chest and melts fuzzy into your fingers, broken vowels off your lips try to form the shapes of his name as you tumble from consciousness and into panting lilting whimpers. He lets you. Usually he’ll kiss you quiet or cover your mouth with his too-big hands and smile as your fucked-out saliva drips between his fingers. Today he only holds you tighter.
Hero work, homework, hospital stays, fear and isolation, love– blurr together in your tears as Shinsou works you down from your high. His grip gives way to something softer like a cradle, and he slowly rises to all fours so he can kiss a sticky path up your stomach.
It’s unspoken but expected, the few minutes you get when one of you is too sensitive, where you’re allowed to pretend you’re in love. This is the best part. Stroking his jaw, kissing his cheeks, twirling his curls with your fingers. Laughing about the state of the bed, falling deadly silent and giggling into each other's eyes when footsteps creak past the door. Stopping just short of I love yous. Not today.
Today you don’t want him to look at you.
“Y/n,” He whispers into your breast when he kisses the valley there, half distracted by his own exhaustion and the fluttering of your pulse under his fingers, “Y/n?”
You’ve brought both arms up to cover your face but no one would be stupid enough to mistake your shudders for pleasure.
Shinsou’s heart plummets, “What’s wrong?” You’re laid out beneath him still catching your breath but the tremble of your lips isn’t fooling him. No more questions, he demands it now just to be safe, “Let me see.”
You’re in no mood to fight, You’re in no state to work, or think, or be in love with him, and when you lower your arms, fat tears roll wellwetted tracks down your cheeks. Shinsou pounces. He’s quick to sit you up but slower to touch you. What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Why wouldn’t you say anything? “Y/n–”
“Felt so good Toshi,” you stutter and after a night of trying to be so quiet you finally let a sob take you. Blood returns to Shinsou’s body and the adrenaline melts into his sheets. He reaches forward to cup your teary cheek with wet fingers as you blubber and whimper and try to curl back in on yourself, not paying much mind to the cum still sticky in his palm.
“Pretty girl,” he smiles wry.
Shinsou tugs your waist gently to guide you into his arms and it doesn’t take much strength. You melt into him.
“so tired, Toshi–”
“I know baby”
“– hands felt so good– I’m– I–” you can’t quite finish the thought as another bout of tears takes over and both you and your hero smile against each other. You, albeit fitfully. You love him. He loves you more. There’s too much to be filled with at all times, and sometimes when you start to cry you just keep finding reasons not to stop.
You want to keep him forever. Only yours, not a national hero, not a symbol of peace, not even the fucking class president. Graduation is coming too quickly– the day you have to wish him luck as a hero and not a sidekick makes you sick. The thought of him getting hurt–
“You’re thinking too hard, I can feel it,” he rumbles, “Thought you were tired?” He wants you to know and hopes you can’t tell, that he can only hear his smile when he talks to you, “Or d'you need me to make you cum again?”
For some reason this makes you moan with heartbreak and Shinsou’s hands shoot up– his eyes go wide with worry, before you groan, “..there’s cum on my face,” and the sobbing starts earnestly again.
The hero’s head falls back in laughter, no longer afraid of disturbing the dorms as you let yourself go against him. Let them find you, let them find him perfectly happy. His sticky fingers draw adoring circles up and down your back.
“m sorry pretty girl,”
“should be,” you cry and whimper and laugh along with him.
How long were you holding it in? How much longer can he?
Shinsou leans back on his hips a bit to rock you gently through your trembling. He knows how much you like his hand on the back of your neck and so he uses his other to pull the blankets up over your shoulders. Warm and rhythmic and perfectly dark in your little piece of the world tonight.
At the edge of tearful sleep his voice rumbles through his chest where your cheek is pressed so soundly, “Can I clean you up?”
You nod, breath coming a bit easier now.
#shinsou x reader#feeling needy let me eat your thoughts#hitoshi shinsou#bnha x reader#mha x reader#hitoshi shinsou x reader#a gentle dom to eat me out until i cry PUH LEASE
408 notes
·
View notes
Note
sir i humbly request rambles about misfortune and more cappuccino hcs
perhaps some body horror doodles as well if you feel comfortable
i adore this au please spill your guts to me and i will feed on the titbits i find
also may i make fanart of this misfortune au thing (sorry not sure what to call it)
misfortune moment PART THREE!!!! ramble under cut :]
part one here
part two here
rbs ok!
misfortune knows exactly how to inflict the most amount of misery in someone.
heres the thing. if it just kept beating its host while theyre down, the host would eventually grow a tolerance to the pain and simply become numb. that means that it cant get any more misery out of its host and it would have to find another one.
So! it allows the host some joy. In cappuccinos case, it primarily involves his vacations :]c before she actually knows what causes all of the bad things in his life she just knew that Everything was always bad and miserable unless she was relaxing. while she was working, things would constantly injure her, nothing would stay organized, and bad things just kept happening one after another, but on vacation everything seemed to be just fine!! Great even! shes just able to surf or relax or nap and just ENJOY things instead of being hit by falling lights and bookshelves. even though every car shes ever been in has crashed hes always been safe on planes. of course its not all sunshine and rainbows because she can hardly even enjoy the break when he cant stop thinking about how AWFUL its going to be to go back to work
BUT!! the point is that her days off are like the ONLY times that he finds peace. Which is partially why hes so eager to catch another break!!! misfortune lets her have these lovely days but also uses it as an opportunity to make bad things happen during/right before her breaks so that theyre cancelled or cut short and shes filled with disappointment<3
this is also why it let langue into cappuccinos life ! of course it could EASILY just kill them but cappuccino was already getting a little too miserable and was far too adjusted to all of the bad luck in his life already so langue was the perfect solution to that problem. And also created misery all on their own like the longing cappuccino feels before they actually get together. And now that cappuccino has langue in her life and theyre someone who makes her so happy misfortune is able to cause harm to them/mess with cappuccino's plans of meeting them and just cause more distress :]c
of course that plan backfired when langue managed to weaken it and make cappuccino's life decent enough to the point it was forced to leave OOPS!!!!
but yeah ,,, i dont know i just love messing with this thang. too much misfortune is bad because then the host will adapt so it has to be a little lenient so the person doesnt feel completely and utterly hopeless >:] and in the event that the host does become useless to it then it simply posesses them to commit crimes and just cause misery to other people than the host before exiting the body and leaving it to bleed out and die
OKAY WHOOPEEE thats all i have to talk about right now i hope this is at least somewhat cohesive im kindof tired right now . BUT WOO RAVEN TIME!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK IT WAS SO SO FUN TO DRAW ANS ANSWER /GEN AGHH hope you enjoy the drawings as much as i enjoyed making them X] ill likely put them in a seperate post since im really proud of the first one and i kind of want it to be in a post of its own agahsbfkhf
ALSO IVE ALREADY ANSWERED THIS BUT YESS ABSOLUTELY !!! I WOJLD ABSPLUTELY LOVE TO SEE FANART AUAGHHFF <333 YOU ARE SO SWEET !!!
if anyone has any further questions/comments feel free to shoot me an ask ! X]
#cappuccino cookie#cookie run#cookie run au#my art#🎉 rambles#tw blood#tw body horror#blood#body horror
35 notes
·
View notes
Text
-This is the walking dead so throughout my watch, there will be mentions of death, violence, blood, heavy topics, etc. Will do my best to post any potential triggers just in case and don’t plan on mentioning stuff I’m not comfortable with myself
TW//: Death(?)
Episode 1: it’s cursed seeing Rick look so young and clean. My favorite seasons are 3 and 4 so I’m used to him looking rougher and with a big beard. I’ve rewatched season 1-4 so many times. They are honestly my favorites and I tend to watch them when I’m having a hard time. But this time around, I’m finally gonna watch all of the seasons, watch ones I’ve never seen before and will write down as I do! So I hope you enjoy my rambles and stuff
It’s cool that the first walker we see is a variant one. Chilling it’s a kid who still recalls her teddy bear. Also love how the actor came back a couple seasons later! Love the theme song. It’s honestly a banger. Seeing Rick and Shane then and now is like that incredibles meme. Gets so much deeper and dark. Might as well admit now that I’m not that big on Shane tbh. He has his moments but dude was fucking nuts. Also Shane with hair > Bald Shane. Bald Shane looks cursed, just like Rick for me. I do love his actor though. Dude seems like a genuine guy and I love watching that one panel him and Norman do where Norman plays around with the microphone
Holy shit. Those spikes meant to pop the tires made their car flip multiple times? Is that what is supposed to happen? Well Rick, unfortunately I think Shane is gonna have to tell Lori now. I can’t remember if they ever say how long Rick was still asleep for after shit went down. Miracle he potentially went a while without an IV and oxygen. Damn the water still working too? I honestly would’ve just stayed in the room lmao. I mean I would’ve died still but hey, the hospital beds can be pretty comfortable. Ah yes, the iconic message. “Don’t dead. Open inside.” Guess we should open it! /j
Ew they got long and crusty finger nails. Nasty. Rick is me when I emerge from my bedroom at 2pm. Dying from the light and confused as fuck. Imagine Rick was just hallucinating and he was walking around in public looking like that. Oh yeah it’s that biker walker. I remember reading their story was explained in something? Anyone know where I can watch those? The sad OST always gets me. Just hearing it makes you wanna cry, especially when you remember moments when it’s played later on
Here comes the kid with the shovel. Morgan let’s go! The man himself. Tempted to watch Fear just because he’s in it. Tried watching it in the past but for the life of me can’t get past the first few episodes. They are so long and boring
I love how even in the hardest of times, they can still laugh. God the variant walkers freak me the fuck out. Their mom trying to unlock the door. Ngl, if it was the end of the world, I would take my Pokémon cards and plushies. And I would loot through stores looking for more cards lmao. And also things people wouldn’t think to use as weapons. Just imagine if you will, a nerf gun. Add something sharp into the foam bullets, shoot and there you go. Something when I’m having a bad day, I just imagine Daryl using one and I feel better pfft. If someone writes one of the characters or an OC using one, a thousands respects
I love how we see people at the quarry that just vanish and are never seen again. And I think one of them had a baby too? That’s dark when you think about it. Either the writers forgot or the baby canonically died. Smol Carl. Aw Horsie. Sad how horses always seem to get screwed over in shows like this. Not to mention Attack on Titan
That shot of Atlanta with all the cars abandoned goes so hard. God that huge hoard. Freaky shit. That scene of Rick struggling after shooting in the tank is pretty similar to that one breaking bad gif meme.
And that’s episode one! Since it’s longer, I only did it for today. See y’all Thursday!
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
tag people you would like to get to know better
Thank you @gigantomachy1916 and @litterateur97 for the tag!! It's crazy how much we have in common lol
1. Three Ships
Ooof, I got so many, I'm gonna put the three I'm currently obsessed with (bc I'm not sure I could choose just three as favorite)
Vegebul, my beloved, my OTP, the light in my life, the best anime couple imo
Trumai (yes, both versions), the successor of Vegebul, they have me in a hold just as strong as them, it's such a weird but fun pairing, I adore them
Hurrem x Suleiman (look at themmmmm) everytime suleyman spoke his poems to hurrem I melted, no ship has ever have such romantic quotes. Plus, i use a lot of their scenes for royal aus, it's just gold
I know you said three but I gotta give an honorable mention to Lawmane, who's ever present in my mind, even if I dont post about them as often as before. They would've been THE couple if only Misa hadnt fallen for that gay republican
2. First Ever Ship
I think it was either Sparrabeth or Quogan, I'm not too sure (Quogan was the first ship I've read a fanfic of tho). I'm still obsessed with both, maybe more than when I was younger. I remember wanting Spareabeth to be endgame and to know more of Quogan's life after the show's end, but now it's a NEED
3. Last Song
Funeral by Mon Laferte. It's an amazing song, it speaks of being in a loveless/passionless relationship and wondering how it got that way and wanting nothing more than for it to finally reach its end. My favorite part goes something like this: "While I prepare breakfast I feel so terribly alone, suddenly I want to die, I want to run away from you. I wish I was on the ocean, letting the waves carry me away, I want to stop breathing; dont wake me up, I want to keep dreaming about our funeral" not a perfect translation, but you get the point. The narrator feels so helpless and is so desperate to find a way put an end to that relationship, other part of the song reflects her regret on how they both let the relationship die and wishes she could go back in time and prevent it, but nonetheless their love has died and they're both wasting their time by still being together.
I listen to it a lot when I need to think an angst AU or something lol. But the singer is so good and shows such emotions through her voice, it makes me relate, even tho I've never been on that situation (thankfully)
If you want to get into Hispanic music, I definitely recommend Mon Laferte, she's one of my favorite artist, "Se me va a quemar el corazón" is another amazing song of hers that I recommend.
4. Last Movie
The Menu (2022)
Amazing movie, it was fun and light to watch and not to be taken too seriously + it has my gf Anya Taylor-Joy (ORGULLO ARGENTINO), I took a peek at its tag on ao3 out of curiosity and I'm embarrassed to say who I'm shipping now, but if you know me, you can probably guess
5. Currently Reading
Nothing new, I've re read my favorite books, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and Chronicle of a Death Foretold by GGM. The little prince was the first book ive ever read, I always heard it's a book you should read as a kid and then later as an adult, and my God, it's true, it's a completely different experience. 6 yo me thought it was a fun book about a man hallucinating in the desert, 24 yo me cred like a baby full of longing for a childhood I didn't appreciate and grief of the kid in me that inevitably died as I grew up and became an adult.
I never tire of reading CoaDF, everytime I expect the end to be different even tho the very beginning tells you what's gonna happen.
I dont have much time, so I choose those too bc they're a short read. However, I'm gonna start to reread asoiaf books too, bc I can never get enough of them
6. Currently Watching
Like I said, I have no time, so I stick to Sitcoms I can put on the bg while I work. I'm currently rewatching The Nanny, I forgot how much I loved it. And I swear, I'll start dressing as Fran as soon as I have time to buy new clothes, her style is just, mwah chef's kiss, obsessed.
And omg, I forgot how slow the burn in this show was, its Season 5 and they're still not dating!!!! Immabout to throw gasoline at them!!!!!
7. Currently Consuming
I ordered some Pizza, it should be here any moment, I'm sure you can guess why
8. Currently Craving
TIME PLEASE, I NEED TIME TO BREATH, I HADNT DRAW ANYTHING IN SO LONG AND ITS AFFECTING ME SO MUCH
I also need to finish my fic and socialize more. So I crave time, I need a vacation.
9. Tagging
@tomwise @emcads @littlewomenpodcast @mslilylashes ❤ anyone that wants to do it, feel free to!
#tag game#beloved mutuals#vegebul#trumai#hurrem x suleyman#lawmane#sparrabeth#quogan#mon laferte#the menu (2022)#anya taylor joy#the little prince#chronicle of a death foretold#cronicas de una muerte anunciada#asoiaf#the nanny#fran fine#idk what else to tag
23 notes
·
View notes
Note
🖊️, 🌈 (banshee in a well), 💻 ?
IM SORRY I KNOW THIS IS OVER A MONTH LATE, i lost the original ask post and it took me ages to find it BUT I FOUND IT so boom! late but here
ask game here
🌈 What inspired you to write banshee in a well?
basically, i had just been thrown head first into the batman fandom and was scouring through ao3 for things to read, before i kind of. ran out. this was during the weeks i was meant to be studying and writing an essay, and i was doing literally anything except that, so i had a lot of time on my hands. now, ive always been a sucker for fake character death and angst, so i decided hey, why not shove my newest blorbo tim into something like that! initially, it was going to be a one shot where tim was trapped in a collapsing building and was crushed to death, only to crawl his way out eventually while the bats were looking for his body. i wrote the beginning, and then when i looked back up i had 10k words and a completely different plot. and so banshee in a well was born.
💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?
yes and no! i try to actively avoid writing stuff that requires a lot of technical knowledge because im a) lazy, and b) easily distractible. the moment i start researching when i want to write means i tend to fall down a wikipedia rabbit hole and end up with knowledge about 9th century chinese concubines. do not ask. BUT that doesnt mean i never do it, especially if im writing about a specific culture or religion. for example, i did some research into jewish funeral practices for banshee in a well, and read some articles by rabbis about whether you need to sit shiva for neglectful parents.
ive also been doing a bit of research into stomach cancer atm for 'and you know this will be gone in the morning'. i also absolutely got on a watch list while looking up other things for banshee, such as: how long does it take for blood to be deoxygenated, how do you get down from a noose, can you survive a ruptured lung.
🖊 Post a snippet from a current WIP.
here's a bit from my generational depression fic 'To Find Forgiveness In The Weeds' (cw: depression and suicidal thoughts). thanks for the ask!!!
There isn’t really any sort of final straw. Maybe it would be better if there was some kind of definitive moment that he could point to and say ‘there, that’s where it all started, that’s what made me this way’. He almost wishes there was a catalyst like that, because then it would be a lot easier to explain away most of it. But Tim’s life has never been straightforward, so instead, it goes like this:
At 8am in the morning on a Tuesday, as he’s getting ready for work, Tim looks into the mirror while adjusting his tie, and realises that he doesn’t want to be alive anymore.
A mental breakdown would be easier. This sort of quiet realisation doesn’t really give much way to screaming and crying, nor is there anything he can even do with it. Granted, he’s always thought of dying in some sort of manner, but he’s never bluntly admitted to himself that he’d prefer to be dead. Most of the time, it shows up in an abstract, distant way. The temptation of a high rooftop, the ease of a subway track, the simplicity of a rope. Sometimes he’ll see death traps and feel a pull towards it. Not an active wish, so much as a temptation. A soft, gentle thought of ‘I’m tired. Wouldn’t it be nice to be dead?’
But it’s always been chased away, the logistics of actually dying and their impact keeping him away from ledges and chairs. The clean-up would be such a hassle, his brain would point out, and he’d agree. Someone would have to scrape him off the floor or tracks if he was selfish enough to do it in public, and that’s not even mentioning the traumatised passer-by’s. Ultimately, killing himself would cause more trouble than it’s worth, and that’s always been enough for him to ignore those thoughts and chalk them up to a flight of fancy or a call to the void rather than genuine suicidal ideation.
There’s none of that when he looks in the mirror and consciously acknowledges that maybe, just maybe, Tim doesn’t really want to live anymore. That, if given the chance, he can’t confidently say he wouldn’t take such an opportunity.
It’s a strange thought to have, and he finally lets his hands drop away from his tie as he observes himself. He’s seen suicidal people before, of course, both as Tim Drake and Robin and Red Robin. He watched as Bruce threw himself into deadlier and deadlier fights, uncaring of the consequences. He’s gently talked to people shivering on the edge of a skyscraper, eyes screaming for help despite their hollowness.
He doesn’t really fit that image, though logically, he knows that depression takes different forms. And that’s another thought that stops him and makes him furrow his brow. Is he depressed? Depression tends to cause suicidal ideation, so it would make sense, but once again, he’s never needed a therapist or broken down in tears from sadness.
He takes a few steps back to perch on his unmade bed. Messiness is a sign of depression, he remembers, but he’s always been messy. His father was the same way.
Except...
He glances around his room, frowning at the overflowing waste basket, the crumpled up cans and balled up protein wrappers. Clothes are haphazardly dumped into a corner, because he rarely has the energy to put them away. There’s dust everywhere except his bed, bathroom and desk, and kitchen roll still sticks to a spot on the carpet where he spilled some soda and forgot to clean it up.
It isn’t exactly the expected luxury penthouse of a CEO.
His room in Wayne Manor had been untidy, but it was the general clutter of a distracted teenager. He would still throw trash away, would dust and mop up spills when needed, because Alfred had enough on his plate already and tidying their rooms had always been their own responsibility.
His apartment, however, is messy in a way that indicates he’s stopped caring.
The thought is quiet in his mind, but it’s enough to stop everything else.
Has he?
Has he stopped caring?
#long post#bug replies#ask#anonymous#ask game#my writing#to find forgiveness in the weeds#banshee in a well#tw suicide
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
life rant below:
everything feels so messy, i haven't been able to go to the doctor because of my social anxiety but i think something may be deeply wrong with my body bc i have symptoms of what could be a bad chronic illness?? i hope i can make an appointment this week bc im putting it off and its just devastating me. ive realized the only moments i can be brave despite my horrible anxiety are when i think of my life as something bizarre. like, my life is a joke, kinda. it makes no sense. i had no plans for adulthood but never in my life have i ever planned to seek refuge in a different country, that's for sure. and we're so lonely here, we have no one to hang with in our city, im not a big person for meeting irl but there was always someone, i had friends in uni, even in school, i had flatmates back home, now i only see friends once every few months and most of them i havent seen for so long at all. its been a year like this and i had no idea it would be so damaging to me and my perception of reality, i feel like im in a constant state of dissociation kinda because how could you accept this new reality? i still think somewhere in me that this is all a dream i'll wake up from one day and yeah, i may be gravely afraid of talking to the post office lady or whatever, but how hard can it be when perhaps the worst thing that could happen in anyone's life's basically already happened? i just hope the doctor won't gaslight me again, last time he told me my headaches are due to the post-war stress but my man the day before it happened i sat at my shitty job (want it to go bankrupt lol fucking bigots) and i felt soo fucking bad? i hope i at least get prescribed glasses or whatever. i dont know. and its funny because life is way better now than it was before anyway bc im less fucking poor but it still sucks ass im so tired and i need a therapist which also idk where to find them so as im searching for the possibilities im just venting here for some relief. yeah thats somewhat new. i miss home
7 notes
·
View notes
Note
⭐ ( @ladyseidr )
[ send a " ⭐ " and i will list muses i would be interested in throwing at yours ]
[ asked by @ladyseidr ]
lets just go down the list here. theres gonna be a damn good few i have SO MANY muses i havent even gotten to play yet. this is going to be so fucking incoherent because i have so many thoughts in my brain. also i KNOW we have stuff pending im working on it i promise im just so all over the place im. yeah 👍
putting my answer under the cut bc this is gonna get LONG
[formatting is "your muse - my muse(s) i would like to see with them"]
funtime foxy - funtime freddy [+ bon-bon] or lolbit ofc!! my muses for them have been inconsistent as fuck lately but i WILL corral them into place eventually
henry emily - literally any of the animatronics. ive hardly gotten to play any of them i want to know how he would treat them. heavy HEAVY emphasis on the rockstars + lefty bc those are HIS bots and his kid and my versions of them are absolute sweethearts. or like. the puppet. or the original bonnie + freddy models. literally any of them. PLEASE god i need someone to come say hi to my fucked up little robots. (/nf) also of course i am shoving mikey and ciar at him thats a given, henry isnt mikes stepdad hes the dad who stepped up i need more content of them. and henry is also not immune to the curse that is ciarán dempsey. he WILL get a hold of him one day. its gonna happen (/lh)
roxanne wolf - cassie. are you kidding. i am picking cassie up and SHOVING her into roxys arms i need more of them literally always i dont care where or when or how. also "secret muse number 2" aka glambonnie who i never bothered to write a bio for. literally my only other actual sb muse because i wasnt interested in sb at ALL until ruin 😭 but i do have a sb verse for michael now too if you wanna have roxy pester him! scare the shit outta that cynical bastard! put some healthy fear of god into him that boy has none left after dying and being brought back to life twice! also if ur willing to wait i am actively working on a sideblog for birdie, my help wanted / sb era oc... i feel like she would get along with roxy REALLY well
michael afton - jeremy jeremy jeremy jeremy i will NEVER pass up a chance to play jeremy. also my henry is always here <3 ive stated this so many times before (including earlier in this post) but michael and henrys dynamic can be something SO personal. pizza sim era or pre-everything or what have you i dont CARE what it is i just want michael to have the caring father figure he was missing and for henry to have the chance to care for a child that he never thought he would have again. i want them to bond over what william did to them. they are everything to me i cannot state this enough. also im dangling all my animatronics in front of ur mikey ooooooh you wanna subject him to the Horrors so so bad. also i think he would like my oc josh theyre both tired minimum wage fazbear employees. also i would be offering evan but that little fuckers muse is GONE atm i dont know where he ran off to im so sorry
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
i don't know what i should do but i distanced myself from some people (mentally too) bc I've been overwhelmed with trauma and getting tired of even speaking of it.. so I just say things are fine. I used to speak to one person whom we always shared thoughts with, understood me and what not, that was until their mental health got bad so I didn't really want to speak on my stuff to overwhelm ofc and offered support. we don't speak daily but we reply to each others messages whenever we can which became the norm.
the person did come across someone and got along with. they started dating within a few weeks and moved together. its been over a year they are and seems very happy. now, i already have some issues with people leaving or some kind of change occurring, which i noticed slowly, on top of that I can admit I feel toxic, in the sense of jealously. for context, ive never been in a relationship or anything. do I want to? Ofcourse. I think I deserve to be feeling loved. It never really bothered me until last year, its like my life was crumbling down and everyone was getting what they wanted, happiness, wishing I could as well.
ive never dealt with this emotion of jealously before, i just for some reason never cared and got on, but for some reason it hitting me more, maybe bc I'm slowly giving up on many things, even finding love.
this person has been someone who i would share my mind with (it was reciprocal) but ofc bc of things i couldn't anymore. I guess I couldn't share it with anyone so it felt bottled up, however I did share before of a friend who got in a relationship and doesn't even put effort in friendships.
anyways, once they got into one we still spoke. but I noticed a difference, they wasn't sharing much of themselves nor partner in the sense of i dont know much of a person he is, just a general overlook. idk I felt we used to speak on these things a lot when they was single so I felt weird how I dont know much of him as I thought. their replies began to get shorter, the time frame of replying back was a month later. we used to do that when times were hard for us, understanding and generally had long messages to send. but as I said, things were far short. So idk a month to send something little was a bit weird.
i also have this fear of friends sharing your personal information with their partners which make me super uncomfortable. I've had it happen before and its just a no. idk, I guess that stops me from sharing anything now bc maybe theyd do the same.
i guess I did notice a shift and whenever I do, I always distance myself. It is what it is. I feel incredibly alone and I feel like a negative person to be around with bc of these feelings I have inside. And I can see theyre happy and I dont want to make then feel uncomfortable with how I am feeling.
I sent a message at one point, addressing my mental health only. I wasn't fit to even speak, it was be unfair if I didn't respond at all so I said how things are quite rough so I won't speak for a while, it wasn't a goodbye but just I dont have the energy for things anymore. They respected how I felt and hoped things went well for me.
Its been 6 months and I haven't spoken to them. They posted on social media which I wished them happy birthdays and so, as they did for me. They say they pray for me things go good and I become happy. Which I appreciate. Normally I always wish them new years First, like every year but last year I did not. Partly bc I felt super depressed and also bc I dislike how I am always the one who says things first. After ages, they did wish me a happy new years message which was nice for once not being first too. However this year nothing so far, and I'm contemplating whether I should shoot a message right now.
It did make me feel a way when they kept mentioning, "so anything happening in ur love life?" Its like no, there never has. I guess I felt like things were being shoved in me so whenever I responded I would just be trutjful and say I dont see it happening and I'm okay with that. Which would say wait for ur time itll come. I understand when people say that but as a person who's been alone all my life that message doesn't help at all. It feels tiring to hear this constantly, I've waited for 25 years, I've waited enough, so please. I guess these little things made me feel bitter about them too, once I felt like it was shoved lowkey in my face I can't remember what exactly but like oh haha I dont have to worry about that now I have someone or something, which irked me. So yeah.
I have always appreciated having them in my life, our only form of contact is texting since we met online. We have been together some rough shit and have were there for each another too, also happy times too. But idk I guess I noticed a difference and it just made me step back.
I do feel sad bc I liked speaking with them, but I guess every since someone they came across they've just become private. And i guess I don't have much to speak about then. I'd rather not trauma dump bc I'm sick of my own shit too, but I just don't know what to do . I even thought maybe we should keep in contact here and there (not regularly as we used to) but I don't know what to do. I feel conflicted.
Okay I'm just gonna be completely honest with you, with the risk that it'll be a bit tough to hear. Because what I read is that YOU chose to distance yourself, YOU stopped sharing your life with this person, and then YOU said YOU didn't want to talk to them and didn't get back in touch. And now you're using the fact that the relationship didn't work out as proof that no one will ever actually care about you. And that's bullshit. And I get that there's trauma, and jealousy and insecurities and that you are not in this pattern on purpose, but what seems to be happening here is that YOU took a step back for whatever reasons, and then you used the fact that the relationship changed accordingly to you keeping your distance and asking for a break as proof that no one actually cares and no one ever will. And I have been there, and I have been in similar patterns. But it's bullshit. And it's toxic. Because this is not a story of a friend betraying you. This is a story of you sabotaging a friendship and then using the fact that it didn't last as proof of your insecurities. And that's something YOU need to work on if you want to feel better.
12 notes
·
View notes
Note
ask meme: even numbers >:3
CATCHING UP ON ASK GAMES on this fine 1:18 am >:3
2, if you gave an in depth description of your story to someone who was not all the way paying attention, what would their takeaway be?
the takeaway is that i'd stop talking the second it seems sb is not paying attention lmao but i guess the cliffnotes is [standing in front of conspiracy board] hot evil girls (unkillable) also moons something is up with them moons
4, what would you say is the message, if there is one.
alright finally deigning this with a serious answer. there is no big msg no grand takeaway, just the mess of the struggle & trying to make it thru when life is cruel and unjust and sometimes there's light at the end of the tunnel and other times the despair wins. sometimes the despair is chosen and it's a self-righteous thing and at the end of the day it's about knowing what's best for yourself and the life you want to live, despite (all the despites) and sometimes it is about the catharsis of giving up when it's all too much ;-;
6, speaking of tv adaptations, why would yours get cancelled? (other than capitalism)
ive seen the twinks people wanna cast for holland shadesofmagic i am not letting irl casting be done so this never gets made because animation is too expensive (shoutout to hair, my ocs have a lot of it) w otherwise for all the same reasons down in #18
8, what inspired your world building, if anything?
moon emphasis is definitely a sailor moon worm + a lot of contamination from waverunners [german pirate series] eldritch ocean mare tenebrosum merged with some old recurring fever dream imagery for the invisible moon. also EXTREMELY early kyoani/key shows (air+kanon) for sponsoring how my visual imagination works & the tragedy/wings/dream thematics <3
10, if your story is titled, why did you choose that title?
ok fun anecdote time again in lieu of going thru all 2389 stories individually so. shadow revenge is the book i started out with and always had that title, and when conceptualizing the other two books for the trilogy i wanted to keep a similar naming scheme (starting with s + double noun) so originally they were
schattenrache (shadow revenge)
seelentraum (soul delusion, to grade 8 me, but lit. 'soul dream')
sanduhrmelodie (sandglass melody)
the last one is esp fun bc i was just groping in the dark for a title to fit the scheme & only from there worked out it was abt linn's melody nd all that biz lmao but u can see the influence that later made soul plot big before i switched to 'dream game' for the middle one bc i always LOATHED 'soul delusion' as a title f. (the german one fucks quite well tbh) so much of my finickiness is needing to make things work in 2 languages OTL
12, okay be honest. pick a favorite oc from this ocverse.
there is no competition like, at all. 🐇
14, whats your favorite part of this story/project?
interconnected story hell !!!!!!! i don't think i'll ever write anything else i'll never have a story that does not plug into the larger verse somehow (valiant attempts by my short story profs but vertebrae inventory / touching fire / let sleeping gods die all got folded back into side content ww) nothing gets my brain going like the layers upon layers of history and thrulines and transposing it into different settings or formats. i will never get tired of it. i was put on this earth to do exactly this and i hope i will get to do it for a long time still <(/)3
16, imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?
answered! but as a bonus i am entirely sure that eliada would get the most mileage out of that setup until he gets doxxed by alissa. send tweet
18, what aspect of the story would get you #canceled on twitter?
glorifying self harm and suicide, teenagers fucking raw onscreen, every #linneacore moment. also cancelling myself over the existence of amasa i deserve it what the fuck
20, your ocverse just got a movie trilogy a la hunger games style. how have they horribly mangled your message/theme so that the movies are now a showcase of what the original was condemning?
OH FOR SURE none of the ugly parts or disk horse worthy content (see above) stay intact, sj is a romance now, gr*y actually dies and probably feels a little bad about what he has done, every suicide gets some noble circumstances attached to it esp faye who gets shafted into the typical time traveling savior role instead of coldhearted pragmatism for her own end. i am mad just thinking abt it thanks <3
22, you have been given unlimited funds to make two adaptations of some sort, however you cannot make any other adaptations of any other sort. which two formats do you choose?
(i am not handing any point of production over to anyone else but i am using the unlimited funds to devote myself to realizing these full-time) comics and animation! i am not interested in anything else
24, best scene you've written?
my writing is no doubt at its best when i'm writing soulless torture / rabbit hell but that is. premium tier locked patreon content; as far as fav scenes go my top three are probably
qs life pledges [THEY WIN !]
the original black swan masked ball piece. changed the course of history & my entire writing career
jumie/sky conversation after [redacted]s death. we cannot elaborate it's too much for my heart, agh!
[lies down both metaphorically and irl] goodnight thanks for playing!!
#LONG POST /#SORRY !#i always think i will put a readmore eventually and then i dont. unless there is a fun place for dramatic effect lol cope#thank u sooooo much for always giving me a lot of numbers to chew on#the real reason this one took me so long was bc i wanted to redraw a certain sketchbook page for 12 but not in this wrist economy :(#askbox#ispybluesky#oc asks#this was so fun i got to talk abt some things i dont usually talk abt :333!!#also lol @ me saying 1:18 am up there it's almost 3am now. whoopsie
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I don't know what else to do so I'm gonna rant on here since so one really sees my posts anyways.
.
.
.
I'm never going to be enough, for anyone or anything. I'm always going to be a burden whether it be emotionally, mentally, or financially. I dont believe my loved ones when they say im not a burden because i know it isnt true, ive relied on things and people to make me "ok" my entire life. I burnt myself out before I even made it to adulthood and I don't know how to cope, prescription meds made me so fucking sick and vile I don't want and can't afford to go back to that again. The only coping mechanisms I have are isolation and weed, and neither of those are healthy but I guess it's better than self harming or just giving in. And sometimes those don't even work because of how exhausted I am in every. single. way. I'm too tired to keep living like this. I can't be responsible for myself how am i supposed to be responsible for others on top of struggling with myself. Im trying my god damned best and it will never be good enough for the people around me. That's not their fault but Jesus fuxking Christ I need something to change. No matter what happens I'm going to be fuxked, a wreck. And I can't do anything to stop that I just have to accept it and try my best to work with it. I will always hate myself and I've given up on me a very long time ago, but for those I love I will suffer until I physically can't anymore so they dont have to suffer as much. I wish people could see how much I do, how much I try, how much i care and understand.. and if the people I love do read this please don't blame yourself, this is all my fault and my burden to bare. I wish this world was kinder but this is the reality we live in and it's not changing anytime soon, in fact it's getting worse. Especially for people like me who is mentally ill, trans nonbinary, pansexual, and neurodivergent. This society was not meant for me and it never will be I have accepted that a long time ago. Maybe it's better off If I'm just gone. Everything this world has put me through should've killed me a long time ago, im jealous of the dead. I just want everything to stop so I can breathe. And I feel so fucking selfish for even thinking about killing myself but it's always there it's always the backup for me and it always will be, I've tried so fucking hard to be okay for the sake of my partner my cat and my family but im so fucking tired. Sometimes I think about how better off everyone would be if I stayed the "perfect quiet little girl" I was before I stood up for myself and left the overly abusive household I was in. I graduated high school out of spite of my family because they all thought I couldn't do it or I was gonna turn into a druggie like my parents were when they were my age. I'm so fucking jealous that my dad got to escape this world when he did and I wish he took me with him. I'm just, done. I've been living for other people my entire life not one minute of my life was spent just for me and I don't even know how to feel about that, I feel selfish for even wanting to live for me and I feel like an idiot for thinking I even possibly could. I'm going insane and there's nothing anyone can do except watch me burn. I have mourned me almost my whole life, the me you see now is not who I am. I lost myself the day I had to grow up and raise myself before I was even in school.
I wish I had somewhat a normal childhood, I wish I could've enjoyed the time I had. I will never get that time back or those people.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hey I have a kinda grim update, last night I was working on that animation thing ive teased and while I was doing it my right wrist decided to give up on me. In other words my right wrist started hurting real bad. I'm strictly right handed, so this interferes with drawing immensely. I wasn't able to get want I wanted done despite me pushing myself to try.
I stopped and put one of my dad's wrist braces on, then ate and went to bed like "I hope this fixes itself in the morning," but no. When I woke up the pain had spread to my fingers and down towards my elbow, and thats what I knew exactly what this was.
Now this HAS happened to me before, serveal times, actually. To both of my wrists, too (not sure why it has happened to my left wrist outside of when I fell directly on it once, lol your guess is as good as mine) Its a certain kind of pain too that I can barely describe. I think it might be nerve pain?? I have no idea. Im only 18 so its not like I'd know chornic pain that well. But this time is one of the nastiest ones ive ever had to deal with. I think it might be carpal tunnel, but I can't say for sure. I'm tired of this happening so I plan to ask a doctor about it, so ill give confirmation when I see one.
Now I don't know why this happened so suddenly, because after my cat died and before my life started getting super busy 2 weeks ago, I was drawing A LOT, pretty much every day, there was one day where I must've spent like 15 nonconsecutive hours and pulled an all nighter just to draw for the picnic comic. I hadn't really drawn all too much in the past 2 weeks due to friends and family visiting, and when I finally get the chance to my wrist decides to die.
My theory is that I'm just rusty and I went back into drawing a little too hard, but that's my only guess. But even then, I didn't even draw that much, I just lined and colored Hunter's body and animated only the eyes and mouth for 6 frames. That was literally it.
Normally when this happens it resolves after a couple days, but I'm very upset because this is my last chance to have a lot a free time to draw for a very long time. I go on my annual trip to New York on June 20th, and don't come back until August 20th, and fall semester of college starts August 22nd or 23rd, (and I have a 5 day week now instead of 4) meaning I won't really have complete free time to draw again until December when winter break starts. It's not like I'll have no time to draw, I ALWAYS find a way, but it's still really upsetting.
I'll just have to try and rest my arm until its better, but I know myself, I'm gonna try drawing too early anyway. I do it every time this happens. So don't be suprised if I end up posting something anyway. Im such a bad art workaholic lmao.
Anyway I'll shut up now. Sorry for chatting your ear off lol.
13 notes
·
View notes
Note
Ive been in the fandom since the vine days and let me just say that I don’t understand why Sam has never been shipped with ANYONE except Colby pre-Katrina. They would go to these creator things and it was always what viner is next to Colby, never Sam. There was one girl who was their friend and waaay cuddlier with Sam but people only saw Colby. Even before he introduced kat you’d catch her in the back of peoples videos and postings and people suspected but didnt care. Once he did introduce her people didnt like her, but again the attention wasnt as big until they moved into the traphouse because he barely showed her at all. I know Sam is closed off but i feel he hold more tea than Colby so can we manifest chaos from Sam lol because what is that boy really about.
idk if this will make sense, but the air of mystery that colby seems to have is actually very much present with sam. sam is mysterious, colby just claims to be, you know what i mean? while a lot of the stuff i know about colby isn't the full story, i can at least maybe piece some stuff together, make some assumptions that sound close to reality, and come up with a non-canon version of him in my head, so to speak. but sam…. different ball game. that man is a phantom. you don't see him coming or going. i know literally nothing about him, and it is quite infuriating.
that being said, i don't even know what chaotic sam would look like. cause even drunk sam isn't that crazy. sure, he dances on tables or joins twerking competitions mid-cruise, but none of that is really all that crazy. i was saying this to someone not too long ago, but i don't even think that man has done any hard drugs. like, the worse drug he's probably taken is when he broke his back. i don't think this man even smokes weed! he's probably tried it once or twice, but like… that's it.
i know you're more asking about his dating life, but if i were to make an assumption about his overall personal life: i think sam is closed off bc he doesn't know who he is. i think he's never really been in touch with his emotions, which is something he's tweeted about a couple times before, and bc of that he doesn't really know how to express himself. i think he wants others to like him a lot, so for years he's tried to fit in a box that marks off what ppl expect from him. and when he himself grows tired of that box, he tries to find a new one that fits the newer image ppl want him to be.
i think that's why sometimes some of the things he says can seem a bit out of place. like prime example is when he's talked about wanting to move to mexico and just go learn the language naturally, or just randomly leave and go to a different country and surround himself in the culture. while those are great aspirations to have, he never includes colby or kat in those travels. he's doing them solo, without them. and that feels… weird. or in the worst way, selfish. bc we're so used to him being in a duo situation, whether it's snc or him and kat. he's always with someone. and we've been told again and again that he's a good friend and he's a good boyfriend. but a good friend or boyfriend wouldn't just up and leave their best friend or girlfriend behind. but, i don't think in these situations he's being selfish. i think this is him actually expressing himself for the first time outside of the box we think he checks off.
weirdly, and i was just thinking about this as i was writing this out, while colby loves being by himself and getting his alone time away from ppl, he can't actually be alone. he wouldn't be able to survive being completely alone. i mean, even just living in a different apartment almost sent him into a hermit spiral. that man wouldn't get off his couch for days sometimes, and that in itself is a topic for a whole other ask. but sam, i legitimately believe, could go live on his own away from everyone he cares about and be fine. i honestly think if he did that, it might put a lot of things into perspective for him. maybe he realize how deeply he cares for the ppl around him, or how maybe their opinions matter more than the others he's been trying to please.
and as for his love life, prior to kat of course, idk. that's even more shrouded in mystery than his actual personality so… god knows what he was like.
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey you !!! thank you!!!!!!
hi guys this is a little late to the party but ummmmm,,,,,,,, thank you so much for 2K followers !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
(me, lowkey invading the spike spiegel/reader tag on ao3):
life and my household have been very hectic lately, but seeing so many people enjoying my work makes me really happy even when i can hear my sister rant to her boyfriend about me through the walls. anyways
i started writing fanfic a long long time ago (think baby mania era) but ive only started back up right before the pandemic (literally the last week of 2019 whewwww) but its crazy to think that i started this blog back in novemeber 2020 and now have 2K followers !!!!!!
okay scroll past this if you dont care for mania lore bc im just ranting to make myself tired before finally heading to bed BUT
i think i mentioned this a little bit before but everyone, especially my mom, assumes that i've always been a math/science gifted kid (spoiler alert !!!!!!!!!! im not babey !!!!!! never was !!!!!!!!! send help !!!!) so whenever i would write short stories to show her, she'd basically tell me to leave the english stuff to my sister bc i just was not good. jokes on her though !!!!!!!! bc in writing this shit and trying to post as much as i can, i really feel like im proving everyone wrong while honing my skills !!! im also taking a creative writing course at school during my fall semester (unless i drop it oops) so expect better quality work soon !!!!!!!!!!!
i hope.
okay mania lore drop over. maybe you’ll get more later. if promise you it’s both interesting and boring. and not worth your time
BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY AGAIN THANKS YOU GUYS. and this doesnt go to out to just my followers but any and everyone who has read and enjoyed my work!!!!!!! its crazy to think i have people have a silly lil moment over smth i wrote about their favorite set of pixels. im happy you guys are enjoying yourselves and im happy i can make help make your favorite characters reach out to you !!!!!!
OKAY MY BACK PAIN IS BACK MANIA OUT BYE
9 notes
·
View notes
Note
tbf there are women (like me) who when we put on makeup are fully aware that we are putting it on only to conform to gender norms and avoid social stigma. like yeah it’s different than women who have never worn makeup, but i feel like there’s more of a scale. i only wear it once or twice a month and honestly it makes me a little angry when i do. if/when i become more willing to take on the consequences of eschewing gender norms i will never wear it again
ok so that post was one i put in my queue when i was angry - bc u shouldnt argue on the internet when ur angry lmao and i do too often so sometimes i put shit in queue to discuss when ive calmed down. problem is my queue is currently over two weeks long so sometimes i forget exactly what prompted the post. HOWEVER.
if i recall correctly that was abt this attitude i see, more often than not from gender-conforming women, that gnc women who disidentify with their sex are. basically self-absorbed sexist idiots who, by disidentifying, are implying that all women except them must love the female gender role and must love being oppressed. like a ~im not like the other girls~ thing. but with 'not like the other girls' i think a lot of ppl are now coming to recognise that, yeah, sometimes it's a sexist statement bc one particular woman thinks she's sooooo much deeper and more human than the other women around her - but sometimes, it's because she can see very clearly that she's NOT like other women. and has felt ostracisation and loneliness about that nd has felt like there must be something wrong with her for being so unlike the typical women in her life. and with trans identity it's often the same thing.
i just can no longer make the space in my heart to sympathise with gender-conforming women who act like gnc women disidentifying w womanhood is some kind of personal attack on them, or on all women. women in makeup and heels who act like it's a slight against them for a gnc woman (who will pretty certainly have faced shit in her life for being gnc) to look at them and say. i'm not her. i'm not whatever she is. i must be something different because if that's what women are then i'm not one and i don't want to be one. it's an argument i'm so fucking tired of hearing and nine times out of ten i will stand w a gnc female who identifies as trans bc she doesn't see any room in the definition of womanhood for her any day before i stand w gender-conforming women who mock or belittle her for that.
i recognise there's a scale of gender conformity, and makeup was just one example, and i know not all women who wear makeup wear it all the time - but, as you say, it is a concession to avoid social stigma. so to me it's like. let she who is without sin cast the first stone. how's a woman who makes concessions to gender because she doesn't have the strength to face the repercussions of refusing to conform going to criticise other women for the concessions they make to get through the repercussions they are facing for refusing to conform.
and one extra point: you say 'it’s different than women who have never worn makeup' but, while i know there are such women out there (and by god, good for them), it's worth noting that for some women - for me, personally - they might have made concessions to gender at times. because they felt like it's what they had to do. what they were supposed to do. as a girl. as a woman. and sometimes, it's disidentifying with womanhood that makes them feel like they're ALLOWED to not do that shit anymore. for several years as a teen i shaved my legs & my pits, wore light makeup most days, even wore skirts and dresses at times. it made me feel like an alien. i hated it. but i'd always been given the message that it was just What Women Do and it's part of growing up that you have to get used to that. and when i discovered i didn't 'have to be a woman' there was a freedom in that for me. i could stop shaving. i never had to wear makeup. when someone told me i walked like a man or dressed like a man or talked like a man or whatever, it didn't have to be an insult. i could take pride in being as masculine and as free & unconstrained by the trappings of femininity as i liked. sure, that's a concession to gender in its own way. patriarchy isn't going to be overthrown by women only feeling comfortable with gender non-conformity when they convince themselves they aren't women. but patriarchy isn't going to be overthrown by women wearing heels and makeup so people will be nice to them, either. you're no better than us.
#ask#anonymous#hope this makes sense i just got off a 12hr shift and i have a fever lol#note i know i said 'you' at the end there but i dont actually mean u anon <3#u havent pretended to be better and this whole rant ofc isnt really aimed at u#just smthn i had 2 get out & is aimed at those who DO act holier-than-thou abt this#ps this is also NOT aimed at proud gnc women who feel anger and a sense of abandonment at other gnc women who disidentify.#i could prob say a lot abt that too nd i still dont agree if they mock or belittle but. ultimately i am much more sympathetic 2 their angle
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Vent personal medical long post
So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)
The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.
I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.
I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.
And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)
It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)
But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.
Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!
The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.
And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.
Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.
1 note
·
View note
Last Seen Blogs
frankie-mac
Undershop: Frankie & Mac
bluthcnd
Bloody Howl
pointdesuture
Evilys, Angelys & Cie...
lies-demise-wafflecutfries
Here Be Dragons
aelie-baby
Mama Llama