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the-river-person · 3 years

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Secrets of the Deltarune

Okay so I was taking a closer look at the Deltarune and I started to notice some really weird things. It’s a symbol for the Kingdom of Monsters, right? Wrong. Gerson tells us “That's the Delta Rune, the emblem of our kingdom.The Kingdom...Of Monsters.” Okay so its the same thing, right? Nope. I looked up emblem and its distinction from Symbol. A Symbol represents an idea, a process, or a physical entity. While an Emblem is often an abstract that represents a concept like a moral truth or an allegory. And when it is used for a person, it is usually a King, a saint, or even a deity. An emblem crystallizes in concrete, visual terms some abstraction: a deity, a tribe or nation, or a virtue or vice and can be worn as an identifier if worn as say a patch or on clothing or armor or carried on a flag or banner or shield. So what does it matter? Well Gerson even tells us why. “That emblem actually predates written history.The original meaning has been lost to time...“ Hold up. Predates written history? The beginning of written history is approximately 5500 years ago. Somewhere around 3400 B.C.E. Thats a long time. And the prophecy that goes with the symbol talks about the Underground going empty, so it can only really be as old as The War Between Humans and Monsters. But...when was that? The game doesn’t tell us the exact dates. Well we have a couple clues. At the beginning of the game we have a little cut-scene of the war and then a bit where we see a human going up the mountain only to fall down into the Underground. Most players assume that this is you, beginning your adventure. Except its not. Later in the game, when you SAVE Asriel in the True Pacifist Route, we’re shown another cutscene with the exact same human figure in EXACTLY the same position, being helped by a very young Asriel and the silhouette of Toriel. It’s Chara, not Frisk. So our date of 201X (2010-2019) takes place long before Frisk even arrives. We don’t know how long before. That really doesn’t help with when they were first thrown down there though. So I took a look at the images before that, of the war. The first image shows a human who is very different from the later pictures. Both the make of the spear and the animal hide-like clothing suggest that it’s probably stone age. The text tells us a very general “Long Ago”when describing how both races ruled the earth together. In the next two images we’re shown the actual war. The crowd of humans have various things like torches and spears. Those diamond type spears are very similar to Roman Pilums. The Human figure with a sword was interesting though. He bore a mantle (cape or cloak) and is sporting a sword. Though there’s not much detail, we can still identify the general time period of the sword. The size isn’t big enough for a proper claymore or longsword, or even a hand and half sword. Since our figure appears to be moving forward, and we can guess that it’s not in a friendly manner given the context, yet still holding the sword in one hand instead of two, it’s probably a one handed broadsword. It also has a cruciform hilt (cross-shaped) that is slightly curved. The blade is quite wide with what appears to be straight edges (based on two images with limited detail). And it has a very narrow Ricasso, an unsharpened length of blade just above the guard or handle. Ricassos were used all throughout history, but they’re pretty notable for the Early Medieval Period in Europe. And the rest of the sword (blade type, length, crossguard, and method of use) is very reminiscent of a Medieval Knightly Arming Sword, the prominent type of sword in that period from the 10th to 13th centuries. So I had to take a closer look at my spears. Turns out, they actually more closely resemble a medieval cavalry lance or javelin. And many Javelins have their root in the style of the Roman Pilums, including the sometimes diamond shaped tips. The sword and mantle of the figure suggest heavily he’s a knight, and backed up by the spear carriers we can guess that its the Early Medieval Period, possibly the beginning of the Romanesque Period. So that would place us all roughly a thousand and at least ten years before Chara fell into the Underground in 201X. Asgore was certainly alive back then. In the Genocide Route Gerson says “Long ago, ASGORE and I agreed that escaping would be pointless...Since once we left, humans would just kill us.“ and in the Post-Pacifist when you go back to talk to everyone he’ll say this when talking about Undyne “I used to be a hero myself, back in the old days. Gerson, the Hammer of Justice.” He even talks about how Undyne would follow him around when he was beating up bad guys, and try to help, by enthusiastically attacking people at random such as the mailman. This tells us that Gerson and Asgore are as old as the original war and both had been part of the battle. And both lived long enough to survive till now. Gerson is quite old looking, while Asgore is not. He explains this by saying that Boss Monsters don’t age unless they have children and then they age as their children grow, otherwise they’ll be the same age forever. But Undyne doesn’t appear to be old. And I started to wonder how long normal monsters lived in comparison to Boss Monsters. A long time for sure. From the Undertale 5th Anniversary Alarm Clock Dialogue we can learn that Asgore once knew a character called Rudy (who also appears in the Deltarune Game), who he met at Hotland University and appeared to be generally the same age as Asgore. Since it takes place in Hotland we know that it was already when they were underground, Asgore was King and was already doing his Santa Clause thing, and that Asgore was trying to find ways to occupy his time aside from actually Ruling. In the dialogue he tells us that Rudy began to look older than him. “I was there for it all. His Youth, his Marriage, his Fatherhood. Then, suddenly, one day... he fell down. ... Rudy... I... was never able to show you the sun.” Monsters can live a long time. But Boss Monsters, as long as they don’t have a child, can live nearly forever as long as they aren’t killed. Based on that, Undyne is probably quite young and Gerson is incredibly old even for a Monster, and yet only recently he’s stopped charging around fighting bad guys. Since Undyne was with him, those bad guys were in the Underground, and his distinction of her attacking not so bad folk like the mailman, means that he was probably in an official capacity to fight crime, such as a guardsman, or maybe captain of the royal guard. So. Even though there’s plenty of time for a prophecy to spring up naturally. We have a number of Monsters who have actually lived that long that would be more than happy to correct mistakes and assumptions. Gerson is quite elderly and is a tad forgetful, but he still knows much. Characters such as Toriel and Asgore are still hale and hearty, and both had witnessed so much. Though we know very little about the character, Elder Puzzler is also implied to be quite aged and knows a great deal about the “Puzzling Roots” of Monster History. You’re probably wondering what all of this is leading to. Well with these characters in place to maintain knowledge of history in the populace, then we have an Underground which created a prophecy AFTER it was trapped there, which leads me to conclude that when the prophecy was created, it must have been referencing something older than the War of Monsters and Humans.

“The original meaning has been lost to time... All we know is that the triangles symbolize us monsters below, and the winged circle above symbolizes... Somethin' else. Most people say it's the 'angel,' from the prophecy...” ‘Angel’. This is when we hear about the angel. We see the Deltarune on Toriel’s clothing and on the Ruins door. As well as behind Gerson himself. The thing he mentions clearly has wings of some kind. Surrounding a ball (note to self: Look into possible connection between mythical ball artifact from the piano room and the Deltarune Emblem). It looks a little like the fairy from the Zelda series. Those “triangles” are the greek letter Delta. That letter has a lot of connections and meanings to it. A river delta is shaped like the letter which is how it got its name. There are a number of maths and science connections. But the two connections you’d be interested in are that a Delta chord is another name for a Major Seventh Chord in music. The soundtrack of Undertale uses these chords to do fantastic things with the tone and aesthetic of its leitmotifs, changing them from a happy or hopeful tune, to a dark and despairing one without actually changing the melody. And in a subfield of Set Theory, a branch of mathematics and philosophical logic, it is used to calculate and examines the conditions under which one or the other player of a game has a winning strategy, and the consequences of the existence of such strategies. The games studied in set theory are usually Gale–Stewart games—two-player games of perfect information (each player, when making any decision, is perfectly informed of all the events that have previously occurred, including the "initialization event" of the game (e.g. the starting hands of each player in a card game)) in which the players make an infinite sequence of moves and there are no draws. But why is one of them turned upside down? I started looking things up again. Turns out there is such a symbol. The Nabla symbol is the Greek Letter Delta only inverted so that it appears upside down. Its name comes from the Phoenician harp shape, though its also called the “Del”. A musical connection is exactly what Toby would do. But its main use is in mathematics, where it is a mathematical notation to represent three different operators which make equations infinitely easier to write. These equations are all concerned with what is called Physical Mathematics. That is... Mathematics that calculate and have to do with measuring the physical world. Why is that relevant? Well the difference between humans and monsters is that humans have physical bodies while monsters are made primarily of magic. Well I also discovered that the Delta symbol for the ancient Greeks was sometimes used to as an abbreviation for the word δύση , which meant the West in the compass points. West, westerly, sunset, twilight, nightfall, dusk, darkness, decline, end of a day. All this symbolism for a couple of triangles. There’s entire books devoted to them. And he calls the whole symbol, deltas and angel alike, the Delta RUNE. Whats a rune? Well a rune is a letter, but specifically a letter from the writing of one of the Germanic Languages before the adoption of the Latin alphabet. Interestingly... the Greek Letter Delta does NOT qualify as a Rune. In any stretch of the word. I searched for hours. What I DID find was the etymological origins of the word Rune. It comes from a Proto-Germanic word “rūnō“ which means something along the lines of “whisper, mystery, secret, secret conversation, letter”. Interesting. So since its paired up with the Delta... it could be taken to mean “The Secret of the Delta” or “The Delta’s Secret”. If we make a few assumptions we might even get something like “The Secret of the West” or “The Mystery of the Twilight” or numerous other variations that have different connotations. It’s conjecture, certainly, and possibly a few stretches. But it is certainly there to think about. My thoughts centered around the positioning of the letters. The idea that the one facing up represented Humanity, and the two ordinary Deltas were Monsters. With the Angel above them all. Or rather, SOMETHING above them all. We have no proof that the idea of an Angel existed before the Underground’s prophecy. I like to think it did because usually that sort of thing draws on previously existing beliefs and ideas. For all we know the symbol could represent an abstract idea that governed both monsters and humans. Like “Kill or be killed” or “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” or other basic idiomatic ideologies of that sort. Other than the realization that the Deltarune is older than the prophecy and the Underground, I didn’t have a concrete idea of what the Emblem actually means. Just a lot of theories and connective ideas. But there’s certainly a lot to be found. I don’t really know how much thought Toby actually put into this, but he’s quite well known for secrets within secrets. So its possible he knew all this going in. If he’s anything like me, and I am notorious for writing this sort of twisting references within references within references into my stories, then he’s probably at least aware of an existing connection. Its quite probably that the Deltarune is exactly what Gerson tells us. An emblematic set of symbols that is used to represent the continuing Kingdom of Monsters and has been since before written history. But as he says... its so old that it might have had a different meaning originally, whatever idea the Monsters wanted to remember, wanted to uphold enough to use it for their royal family and their kingdom, a reminder. Of something, or someone.

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kagrenacs · 3 years

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Explaining the Iceberg #8

In which the theories get worse as you delve deeper. (some content is cut because it’s not appropriate/something I would want to discuss)

Coldharbour/Clockwork Tamriel: Coldharbour has many locations that resemble Tamriel, and often are outright taken from it. C0Da seems to indicate Sotha Sil’s final goals for the clockwork city is to recreate and ‘perfect’ Tamriel.

The Crimson Ship: During the Knahaten Flu, the Kothringi were hit particularly hard, and the Crimson Ship was full of refugees trying to find a new home. They were turned away at every port, until reaching Hammerfell. After being turned away once again, they sailed out to sea. Some years later, pirates found the ship full of corpses.

Storming of the citadel: Unsure of this, the wording is too general. It could possibly refer to the Morrowind Mainquest, when you take back the profane tools, A Covenant quest in Elder Scrolls Cnline, or the Main quest in Elder Scrolls Online

Altmeri formwars: Mentioned in an MK short story. Possibly a war from a previous Kalpa that involved the Dreugh

Yagrum Bagarn made the Numidium: He states he was a Tonal Architect under Kagrenac, there’s a possibility he may have worked on the Numidium as well.

Sons of Hora: Mentioned in the Nu-hatta, related to mantling. ‘this is the death children bring as son’s of Hora’. My guess is that it’s the ability of mortals (sons of Lorkhan, Hora?) to actually mantle deities and understand their limits.

Kaleidocules: ‘Leaky Creatia’ the power of creation, magical possibility

Ayleids=Bird people: A race of unnamed bird people Topal the Pilot was said to have met on his journey across Tamriel. Since they occupy the same region as Ayleids did (although they seem to have been present before the Ayleids and subsequently died out), and since Ayleids have recurring bird motifs within their armor and art, it’s thought that these two groups may be one in the same.

Dragon Tusk: The name of the oversoul (cumulation of all aspects) of Akatosh/Auri-el ect. Is Aka or Aka-Tusk.

Lorkhan’s heart the egg of time: In Morrowind, the egg of time is a rebuttal paper to Kagrenac’s theories on the use of the tools on the heart of lorkhan.

Khajiit ??? Genetic memory: I can’t make out if that says lactable as in the infant formula for babies, or something else.

The Prisoner: A name for all playable characters in tes, revolves around the concept of seeing past barriers formed previously (the prison) and overcoming these obstacles to change things.

82nd Crodo: Mentioned in the redguard forums, a community in Alinor.

City of Rockcreek: In Arena, there is a city called Rockpark. A glitch in town generation happened, and the palace to Rockpark was blocked off, rendering it inaccessible. In Daggerfall, the developers referenced this glitch in ‘Ius the Animal God’ But misspelled Rockpark as ‘Rockcreek’

Atmora-Aldmeris Invasion: Not quite sure what this references, my best guess is the invasion of the Atmorans and Aldmer from their respective continents to Tamriel.

1008 weapons of rapture: 1008 or 108 is usually in reference to Cyrodill (8+1 gods), in Et’Ada, Eight Aedra, Eat the Dreamer, there is mention of 1008 weapons of rapture. This could possibly refer to the Divines, the Middle Dawn that lasted 1008 years, or perhaps 1008 literal weapons.

Thalmor UFOs: Seems to have originated on the iceberg

King Harald and Talos die at 108: There goes that numerology again

Adamantia Scroll rocket: While this seems to have originated on the iceberg once again, there is a group of tes LARPers with the shared name Adamantia

Ghartoki: Mentioned in what my beloved taught me after Vivec reads a symbol on Nerevar’s palms (possibly some sigil, scars or just reading palms). Ghartok in Ehlnofey means hand, and in the sermons it’s often associated with the word Padhome, or change.

Thalmor and Jyggalag: The Altmer are orderly so they worship Jyggalag.

Motheaters: A little song mentioned in this thread https://www.imperial-library.info/content/forum-archives-unknown-posts

Klecksographic Lyg: Another iceberg original, Klecksography is the art of making art from inkblots, essentially this is just saying how lyg was created in a fancy way

Ha-Note is Mehrunes Dagon: https://www.reddit.com/r/teslore/comments/3o0uwk/nanote_dagon/ the original theory is here, TL;DR Ha-Note, a monster born from Vivec, renamed itself ‘City-Face’ and fled to Lyg. The ‘grabbers’ grabbed it, because they can’t create things of their own and said they’d build a Hope-Tower upon it’s face. In the Commentaries of Mankar Cameron, he states Mehrunes Dagon was built from hope.

Zurin Arctus=Versidue Shae: An apparently deleted theory, mentioned only in this post debunking it https://www.reddit.com/r/teslore/comments/9rs2ad/what_were_the_motives_of_versidue_shaie/

The King’s Cough: Mentioned in Sermon 29, another name for the Thu’um

The Catalyst: The driving force that starts an Enantiomorph

Tsaescence: A tsaesci word from We ate it to become it, MK states it means it’s the Tsaesci word of “High Perception” In context, seems to mean something similar to CHIM.

Hero of Kvatch=Pelinal Whitestrake: See the Knights of the Nine DLC. (To expand further, there are many similarities between the two, force of change, knight to the emperor/empress)

Amiel Arctus: An old screen name for Michael Kirkbride

The Space Gods: Found in the last song of Pelinal and Eight Aedra Eat the Dreamer, like many things in tes, it’s Lorkhan.

Uriel V: The father of Uriel VI, tried his best to invade Akavir.

Otherkin: You are reading this on tumblr. You know what this is. MK made a lengthy forum post about how Tosh Raka hates the Otherkin for some reason.

Falmer are Hermaified: Horrible word, but there are resemblances between Hermaeus Mora’s shrines, and Falmer shrines.

Invisible Dragons: In morrowind, if you ask M’aiq about dragons, he’ll state they’re too high up to see. Or invisible

Alien Ayleids: A relic from the since deleted bethesda forums. MK wanted to have a plot twist where Ayleids were Aliens.

The insect god: Mentioned in the Adabal-a, or Morhaius’s memoirs. May be a since-retconned god, could possibly be Lorkhan due to his frequent connection with Scarabs.

Suicide Trolls: An easter egg in Oblivion, a poorly scrawled note and a troll found dead under a bridge across the bridge from Bravil.

Arkay=Arnand the Fox=Zurin Arctus: Zurin Arctus is sometimes called Arnand the Fox (Seen in where were you when the dragon broke) Shor is also represented as the fox, which makes sense since Zurin is a Shezzarine. This connects to Arkay by Malacath/Orkey/Arkay, who is a trickster god (fox like) in Nordic pantheons. Malacath also got compared to a fox once. I never said these theories were well backed up.

Dwarf-Orc theory: referring to Dumac, who is sometimes called Dumalacath, or Dumac Dwarf-Orc, suggesting he has an orcish and dwemer parents. This also may imply there are cross cultural connections between the two groups (especially when you consider the Rourken clan having Volenfell, Malacath’s hammer.), meaning Dwemer blood could still be present within Orcish clans.

Tosh Raka: The Dragon-God of the Ka’Po’Tun. Became a dragon through unknown means (possibly through Dracocrysalis?) Hates the otherkin I guess.

A worn and weathered note: A curious note from Morrowind. https://en.uesp.net/wiki/Morrowind:A_worn_and_weathered_note

TalOS: Talos is called a virus by Jubal in C0da. If you think of the Aurbis as a computer, Talos could be considered analogous to a Trojan Virus when you look at his place in the pantheon of Divines. He used the mantella to cheat-code the universe into accepting it as Lorkhan’s new heart to power the Numidium. An error occurred, and now the universe considers TalOS the new Lorkhan.

King of Worms = The Underking: Both are liches, both are undead, that’s about it. May stem from initial confusion of MK saying there were ‘multiple underkings’ when he meant there were multiple copies of the same person in the dragon break.

500 companions were dragons: the 500 mighty companions, an obscure text calls at least one of the companions a dragon, and some of the names were draconic sounding.

Dreamer can’t wake up: Straight from the mouth of MK, this might mean ‘the Godhead isn’t literal’ or it might literally mean, the universe can’t cease to be because the Godhead just stops.

#the elder scrolls #tes iceberg #Kagrenacs Journal

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wangxiangiftexchange · 3 years

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Lunar New Year Gift for vedrividia!

Pairing: Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji; past Wei Wuxian/Other (implied) Rating: Mature Warnings: brief depiction of sexual harassment, brief instance of misgendering, implied/referenced past suicide attempt, implied/referenced past sexual assault (off-screen), implied/referenced past forced pregnancy (off screen), implied/referenced underage sex & pregnancy (off-screen), alcoholism, coming out, implied/referenced homophobia Other Tags: trans male character, disabled character, gay male character, open ending, unreliable narrator, angst, tender, chance meeting, confession, reunion, character with incomplete spinal cord injury, iSCI, it probably sounds darker than it is

Summary: On the last eve before spring Wei Ying finds himself at the end of a road. What awaits him on the other side depends on the steps he takes to cross it. Someone walks beside him.

Disclaimer: I am neither Chinese, trans nor disabled. All of the portrayal in this fic is based on research. It's not my intent to offend and I'm open to critique as long as it's respectful and constructive. Wei Ying's journey is his own and does not represent all of the disabled or trans community. The fic is set in a world that closely resembles ours, but where corona never happened and maybe China's laws are just a little less restrictive (but still very phobic), so bear that in mind. I do not own any of the characters.

Notes - Beginning: The idea of trans male Wei Ying had been stuck in my head for a while now, and I've been wanting to try my hand at a trans story, because I've never done that before. This assignment was an opening to do that in a darker, more serious setting. I have also wanted to explore Wei Ying's suicidal issues while translating his story into a modern setting for some time (it was supposed to be a coffee shop AU, only the coffee shop never appeared hah). It was simultaneously hard and fun to write, and I'm grateful for it. @vedrividia, I hope you like it!

In the past I didn't feel like I could do a good job at representing anyone of an identity I couldn't quite empathize with. Since then I've surrounded myself with trans inclusive media, and followed transgender blogs and channels, and I hope that this fic does right by all of them.

I am aware of some of the potentially problematic topics, but I also didn't want to ignore all the challenges and abuse and trauma that trans folk are forced to endure on a daily basis. (Did you know that trans people have some of the highest suicide rates, and likely to have alcohol issues? Making everyone happy and nothing hurt felt all kinds of wrong knowing that.) I believe that representing both - an ideal world alongside the real and flawed one - is important.

Positive stories are also important - this is one. Or at least I hope I was able to make it one.

On a more cheerful note, there are pictures that served as an inspiration for this story, namely this photoset (especially the pic in the leather jacket, the one on the couch and the close up) done in faceapp by a genius, this brain-frying picture, and of course this picture from the Harper's Bazaar Photoshoot that none of us are over. I completely blame Xiao Zhan's androgyny.

Last but not least, I owe a massive thanks to Laura for the amazing beta they did on a rather short notice and brought this fic to another level. Thank you for your hard work!!! :)

End notes: Wei Ying has an incomplete spinal cord injury in the lumbar area (at L1 or L2). I didn't realize that I played myself when I gave him an incomplete injury, because the lack of references and information is in terms of quantity a total opposite to everything available on complete SCI. Which in turn made the telling of such a story feel even more important. If any of you know of a good resource for the daily life of people with iSCI, I'm all ears.

Even researching the walking aides was a challenge, since most information is on wheelchair dependent people, which Wei Ying is not. He has a wheelchair but he refuses to use it, for several reasons, one of them being image, another being worry of atrophy. He likes a good walk, and there's progress thanks to physical therapy, most of which is covered by insurance. I was debating an exoskeleton/brace for him, but from what I gathered they aren't really useful for SCI (I welcome any additional info about this), and those that would be cost a ton and aren't covered by insurance - which is a big factor for Wei Ying. The toss ended up being between forearm crutches and a walking frame, but in the end I decided on crutches, because it seemed like Wei Ying would prefer them? For now? With crutches he can pretend, and I also didn't know to what extent a walking frame would be insurance covered (in China), and whether he'd be at a point where he would accept one. (I imagine the simple ones would be covered by insurance, the question is whether they make a huge difference to crutches, and whether a rollator - with wheels and a seat is something that would count as 'necessary' in this case.)

However, once again, I am not adequately educated on all that goes into the decision making here. No one ever mentions things like these in success stories. In the end I left it as a room for future development. I'm pretty sure Wen Qing is trying to convince him to get one.

I was debating whether to tag dysphoria. While it is not explicitly stated in the fic, Wei Ying does experience it, although this has gotten better since he realized being trans, came out and started testosterone. His decision to not transition fully is one that many trans people make at a point in their lives, for any number of reasons. This does not mean he'll never change his mind, or won't explore other forms of expression. It's a choice that the current Wei Ying is making, completely independent of future Wei Ying.

It's possible in China to get a gender confirmation surgery, but the requirements sound like a nightmare. The first thing you have to do is get diagnosed with 'gender disorder', be five years in (unsuccessful) therapy for it, at least 20 and unmarried. If he decides to transition fully to a male presenting body he can only marry someone who is biologically female in the future, under Chinese law. (Imagine having to divorce your significant other in order to be who you are. Imagine having to make this decision. It makes me want to write fic about it.)

It also costs a ton, as none of it is covered by insurance. You can only start hormone therapy in order to get surgery, which leads a lot of trans people to acquire hormones illegally and without medical counseling. I purposefully did not decide where Wei Ying gets his T from. I didn't want him to not have it, but I left the how undecided. For the most part I headcanon it as one of the things that make my world a little different, since hormone therapy is a thing that exists outside of transitioning as well. E.g. many female athletes use testosterone to boost their performance, and many other women take it for various medical reasons. I feel like WWX could find ways to acquire some. Now, whether this would be legal or not is left open.

By the way? Never, EVER deadname. Just don't. The moment someone comes out to you as trans, tells you their pronouns and name, that's what you use. You forget everything that came prior to that, wipe it out of your memory, it's ashes on the sands of time unless stated otherwise BY THEM, got it?

Now, Wei Ying's case. I was hesitant about how to approach this, but from the start I knew two things. I wanted the same kind of intimacy of WWX & LWJ calling each other by their birth names as in canon, but I also didn't want to go the way most authors go in this case i.e. splitting the names to pre- and post- transition. It is my understanding that most Chinese names are unisex (if anyone has more info on this, I'd love to have it), or can be used for all genders, and I didn't want to force a gender issue where there wasn't one. However, I also wanted something parallel that could be used in a similar way. What I came up with is what you see in text. While Wei Ying did change his name, the only reason why it's still somewhat okay to use 'Wuxian' is because he explicitly says he likes it. In fact, in my head somewhere in the imagined future of this verse, he and JFM have a conversation about it where JFM tells him if he wants it, it can still be his name - he didn't give it to an image, but a person. IDK how well any of this works, or translates to actual trans or Chinese (or trans and Chinese) people, so if you have words for me, let me know.

On a side note, in 2015 China lifted the one-child policy in favor of a two-child policy. A-Yuan was born in 2017.

Wei Ying attempted suicide between the 4th and 8th week of his pregnancy. During the early weeks the probability of a fetus surviving a major fall (even a fall from stairs) is significantly higher than later in the pregnancy, and the scaffolding he jumped from wasn't actually that high. I'm also considering that there might have been something to cushion the fall that he hadn't noticed (a stray rope, or a net) or been aware of (like padding on the stage), but that's a detail I decided to leave to your imagination. On the other hand, sustaining a SCI during early pregnancy is likely to have fatal consequences, as I found out a week before the deadline. In the end, they both got very lucky. Wei Ying spent the next 3 months in a coma. When he woke up it was too late to terminate. Jiang Fengmian had been adamant that the decision not be made without Wei Ying's consent, which was nice of him, but also ended up making the decision for Wei Ying regardless.

Last but not least, if you've read this and feel like you have something to add, I love any kind of comments, whether you wanna review the fic, have some useful information for me, would like to discuss a point or just like to say hi! :)

*****

Transverse

If asked, Wei Ying wouldn't have remembered how he had gotten to the bar. He didn't remember taking a different route on the short walk back home, he hadn't even been aware there was a bar in the first place. He only remembered suddenly standing in front of it, aching to his bones, limbs leaden with a familiar exhaustion, morose and longing for nothing more than a little break. His back was on fire, his leg was throbbing, the skin underneath his binder wouldn’t stop itching and to top it off his stomach had been cramping in a way it wasn't supposed to anymore. His body had decided to give him a wonderful gift for the holiday. Wei Ying wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy, and that spoke volumes to anyone who knew who occupied that position.

Needless to say, he was desperate for a drink.

The bar was almost empty so early in the afternoon, and shortly before the holiday, all the regulars had likely gone home to see their families. It was the time of reunions, the golden week of spring knocking on the door. The whole town looked empty, seemingly asleep and abuzz at the same time, a strange kind of liminal space born in the atmosphere of the coming celebrations, quiet with contained impatience. He had been painfully aware of it the entire week, the turning of another year leaving him nothing to do but watch people go where Wei Ying couldn't return anymore.

The Lunar New Year always made him hurt worse than usual, in more ways than purely physical. Wei Ying had felt that strange air peak today, even in the confines of his tiny office at the back of the Pacific Coffee branch he had been working at for a little over two months. It was a tiny thing on the busiest street of their small town, smelling of comfort in the wee hours of the morning and of salvation late in the evening. The staff had needed support with handling the supply chain, so that they could focus on serving the staggering amount of customers that came in all day.

It had seemed perfect when Wei Ying had first limped inside on his forearm crutches, with a letter of recommendation, feeling smaller than an ant but significantly less tough. The reintegration program had been a lifeline thrown to a drowning man when he had first heard about it. It had been the opportunity to restart his life. Earn an income. Be independent. In time maybe even repay his friends for the kindness they had shown when he had nowhere to go. Now? Now he wasn't sure that he'd still have a job after the holiday was over.

"This really can't go on," his boss had said, midway through the most gruesome shift the shop had ever witnessed. "Half the supplies came in wrong, for the third time this week!"

Sometimes, Wei Ying wondered why he still bothered. He could probably survive on aid and love for himself, and the Wens made enough to take care of the rest. It just… It could have been nice. To be the one to take care of the people he cared about, for a change.

He really needed that drink.

The whiskey looked enticing from where he was half-sitting, half-leaning on a stool, crutches stashed between his legs. He could almost taste it, the phantom of the sharp flavor burning his tongue.

"Hi, darling." An unfamiliar voice startled him out of his thoughts, causing him to tense. He had been aware of the middle-aged man at the counter, but he hadn't been paying him much attention until now. "Can I buy you a drink? How about Sex on the Beach?"

It was difficult to control himself at that tasteless, juvenile joke. Wei Ying could almost taste the bile rising in his throat and the beginnings of what would no doubt become a pounding headache throbbing in his temples. Great. Just what he had needed.

The whiskey bottle called out to him again, beckoning him to the bitter burn.

A drink. That was what he needed - a drink.

Do you really? Need it? The voice of his therapist came to his mind, sudden and uninvited.

"Hey bartender!" The man called out in the most unwelcome case of accidental telepathy in the history of mankind, sneaking one arm around Wei Ying’s waist, a sweaty hand settling on his hip. "One Sex on the Beach for the miss, on my tab!"

There was the rising bile again, tension squeezing his muscles, and the flash of a haughty smirk at the furthest back of his mind. This wasn't what he wanted. None of it. Neither the touch nor the drink, no matter what his mind wanted to convince him of.

It's easier to need than the things that take hard work, the ones you have to earn. It had taken him a long time to admit that.

"I don't drink." Wei Ying said, angling his head as much as the muscles of his neck permitted to look at the guy invading his personal space squarely. "Remove your hand now."

The guy bristled.

"Hey, chill out, sweetheart." He was quick to regain his composure with an awkward laugh and not enough common sense. Wei Ying supposed he must have been used to rejection. Too bad. "You're so tense… Maybe a virgin cocktail then."

His crutch shot up before the full sentence was out.

The man stumbled back with a startled yelp as the rubber point connected with his chest in a sharp jab.

"Hey! What's your problem?!"

"I said I don't drink." Wei Ying was completely unapologetic, still holding his crutch like a sword, but the guy was already walking away, muttering ‘fucking bitch’ under his breath.

"You alright there, girl?"

His gut clenched at the words.

He looked up to meet the only slightly worried, but otherwise unbothered gaze of the bartender and told himself it wasn't her fault. She probably wasn't even aware. He knew he didn't… There was no way for him to pass. There was nothing he could do about that, had already decided not to, not at this time, not in this country. Wei Ying didn't expect people to know on sight. He didn't. It didn't change the fact though that every single misnomer felt like someone was peeling his skin off.

"I'm not a girl," he said to her almost too quietly, but he knew she heard when he met her gaze. A strained silence passed between them in which Wei Ying watched her frown in confusion, then sputter with the loss of words, before awkwardly shuffling off. He smiled wryly. How funny. It really wasn't anything complicated, and yet… So few were able to comprehend.

Wordlessly, Wei Ying slid off the stool and made his way out of the bar as quick as his crutches let him be.

Once outside, the crisp air mercilessly purifying, he realized how close to the edge he had gotten once again. He had to stop doing this. He couldn't afford another fall, another spiral back down the drain. Not when he had just clawed his way out. Not when he had people depending on him now. Tiny people with curious gray eyes, so much like his own. Waiting for him at home.

Something icy touched his face and instinctively he looked up only to find it snowing.

That explained the ache.

The cold always made him feel sore, although he knew at least some of it was phantom pain. He hadn’t retained a whole lot of feeling in his left leg, beyond a tingle that had become almost constant and the occasional twitch. His right leg was fine, it just tended to ache a lot, to a point where Wei Ying sometimes found himself wishing it wasn't better off than the other one. But then he wouldn't get away with 'forgetting' his wheelchair at home, so he quickly dismissed that thought. Besides, there were plenty of people who had it worse. He, at least, could still walk. He could still stand. Kinda. He had no room to complain.

After all, he had done this to himself.

'It's better this way.' He remembered thinking, standing on the top of the catwalk stairs backstage of the high school auditorium. 'A-jie, Jiang Cheng,… Lan Zhan. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you. I love you. I'll get out of your hair now.'

In the end it had been easy to tip backwards and let himself fall.

Waking up had been the hard part. Not only had he failed, but every reason that had pushed him to end it all had only been made worse. Worse still, after. He had lived though, so that was that. There was no utility in regret. He couldn't go back. The only way was forward now, step by painful step. Standing around and staring at the snow falling was nice, but it wouldn't make the walk shorter. Home wasn't far away. He'd take it slow. He'd be there before he knew it.

He barely took three steps before he felt someone's broad shoulder bump against his, his equilibrium yanked roughly from under his feet.

He remembered falling.

Not the act of it, nor every thought and feeling that preceded it, but he remembered the soft pressure at his skull as he tipped backwards, the endless instant of the free fall, a moment frozen in time. Not the impact, but the inevitability of it, coming, coming, almost there. The loss of control. The frightening, exhilarating realization of his absolute surrender. Not the oblivion that followed but the fragments of muddled awareness afterwards. Disorientation, rock bottom and the overwhelming sense of failure.

It had felt nothing like now.

He felt the loss of ground beneath his feet, the scrape of concrete against his palms, as he all but starfished onto the pavement. A sharp pain. The frustrated annoyance of another thing gone wrong in the long list that made up the day.

Only the failure felt the same, funny that.

"I'm sorry!" Said a deep voice. "I wasn't looking."

"Yeah, no shit." He chuckled, because really, who could have guessed.

"Here, let me help." There were hands on his arm, just as he propped himself up, but he yanked it away.

"I'm fine!" He wasn't helpless. He wasn't, dammit! He had his arms, his abdominals, and most of his legs. Getting up from the ground wasn't such a herculean task for him as for those who depended on a wheelchair. He didn't have to call an ambulance just because he starfished. He didn't need any help at all here, especially not the help of some ditzy stranger with their head in the clouds…

"Wei Ying?"

Wei Ying froze.

Few people on this Earth called him that, and none of them had a voice like that. He looked up to see glowing amber on a face carved out of a dream.

"Lan Zhan?"

Of all the people to be in town today of all days, the least likely would have to be Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, his former senior, Lan Zhan, his best friend. Lan Zhan, whom he had told his secrets, Lan Zhan, who he… who he…

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan… Can I kiss you? I understand you don't like me that way, and it's fine, I'm fine, really, but… uhm… It's supposed to be special. The first kiss. I… I want it to be yours. Just one kiss." A child he barely remembered had wanted and wanted, never satisfied. "Ah, it's okay if you don't want to. I get it. It's fine. I'm just being selfish."

But that had been a long time ago. A person he didn't know, a past life that had never truly been. Not for him in any case.

Lan Zhan was looking at him like a ghost had appeared in front of him.

Although, ghosts didn't need crutches. Honestly, Wei Ying did wish he could float quite frequently.

Face twisted in sardonic amusement at that childish wish, he pulled himself up with some maneuvering and a lot of effort. This seemed to wake Lan Zhan from his daze as he quickly followed. Wei Ying didn't miss the sweeping gaze as his once friend took him in, wondering what he saw. A stranger, perhaps? A new person? Him? Wei Ying knew he hadn't changed much on the outside, aside the obvious and maybe in his weight distribution, but Lan Zhan had always had the ability to look past the surface. Was he still able to do that? Or was he just taking in his appearance, assessing his matted, worn out body that seemed to show every year that had passed multiplied by ten? Wei Ying was aware that time had not been the kindest to him, but he was hanging on. He was past the worst now. He was doing better. He was!

He wondered if Lan Zhan still could see that too.

"Wei Ying." His name again, spoken with enough wonder to give Wei Ying the courage to meet his gaze. There was an unspoken question in it.

"Yeah," Wei Ying answered and felt the cusp of a smile pull at the corners of his lips. "Long time no see, Lan Zhan. Fancy meeting you here."

"I really like you, Lan Zhan," the person he didn't know had said, red faced with embarrassment and a shaking voice. "I mean like… like like."

Back then he had believed that moment to be the most nerve-wracking experience he was ever going to survive. Today he missed his naivety.

Lan Zhan gave him a look like he just realized it was really Wei Ying standing in front of him. Like he still could barely believe it. It unraveled a completely different ache in Wei Ying. They had been close once, and though they had always shared their secrets, Wei Ying had seen him so open and unguarded but once.

"I...like...boys," had been the answer. The refusal so, so gentle, unable to accept, thus giving something of equal value in return instead. A truth for a truth, a secret for a secret. "Wei Ying, I'm gay."

Lan Zhan, always figuring things out so quickly, always willing to accept reality no matter how hard it was. Wei Ying hadn't known back then. If he had known… Who knew what would have been then. It didn't matter anymore. It was a life long gone. What remained of it were a few good memories, some of them he wasn't sure were real.

Now, chance had made them cross paths once again, at a liminal space transversing through time.

"Are you hurt?" Lan Zhan's voice brought him back from his thoughts, and Wei Ying looked where he was reaching for his scraped hands and knees.

Lan Zhan, always the same Lan Zhan… "Not selfish."

So wonderful and kind and warm.

"Eh, I'm fine. Nothing Wen Qing can't fix." He brushed his former friend off, noticing how Lan Zhan's eyebrow seemed to go up infinitesimally at the mention of his old classmate and promptly changed the subject. "What brings you to Yiling, Lan Zhan? Shouldn't you be with your family for Chun Jie?"

"I…" Lan Zhan looked away. "Didn't get an earlier flight."

That sounded suspicious, especially since the Lan Zhan Wei Ying knew liked to plan ahead. But Wei Ying wasn't the same he had been, maybe Lan Zhan wasn't either. People were allowed to change. It also didn't answer what he was doing in Yiling in the first place, but Wei Ying wasn't forcing him to tell. Wei Ying had never wanted to force Lan Zhan into anything, he wasn't going to start now.

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan looked at him again, this time meeting his eyes squarely. He paused. "How have you been?"

Wei Ying felt the loom of a shadow over him, and his gaze dropped to the ground for a second.

"As you can see." He put a reassuring smile on his face as he summoned enough will to hold Lan Zhan's gaze. "Still alive and kicking."

Which was probably much more than the last time Lan Zhan had heard of him.

"I was looking for you. I wanted to see you. After." The what remained unspoken. Lan Zhan's kind heart hadn't changed. Wei Ying sought comfort in it, warmed by the thought of his best friend trying to get in touch even after everything went to hell. "I was told you… left."

Wei Ying made a soft sound of affirmation through the small smile that had spread on his face. "I moved out on my eighteenth birthday. Aunt Yu… I was supposed to stay till graduation, but... ah. I fucked up. Colossally."

"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan remained the only person Wei Ying knew who managed to frown without a single crease on his face. "You were recovering."

"It was fine, Lan Zhan." Wei Ying chuckled even as he held back a sigh. Lan Zhan didn't know half of it. "I moved in with the Wens."

There was a pause.

"With Wen Qing?" Lan Zhan asked and Wei Ying realized that small detail wouldn't have been immediately clear to him, all things considered.

"With Wen Qing and her family." He nodded. After a moment of thought he added. "Not Wen Chao. I know nothing about that douchebag."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed and it sounded so wholehearted that it startled a laugh out of Wei Ying.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan," Wei Ying said, feeling truly light for the first time in a long time. The smile he gave Lan Zhan felt warm and genuine. He hoped Lan Zhan saw it too, and didn't think Wei Ying was trying to shake him off, when he spoke next. "It's so good to see you. You're the best thing that happened to me today. I would love to catch up, but they're waiting for me at home and I'm already late."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. There was a pause. Then, just as Wei Ying was about to ask for his number, "I could. Walk you. If you like."

"I thought you had a flight to catch." Wei Ying wanted to smack his mouth for how hopeful he sounded.

"Mn," Lan Zhan said. "In the evening."

"Lan Zhan!" He startled, amused and surprised at the same time. "And here I thought your bedtime was nine! Don't tell me you crossed to the dark side."

"It is Chuxi." Lan Zhan's voice was soft with a playful note, and Wei Ying felt his heart turn all over again even as he laughed.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan…" A smile spread on his face. "Alright then. I'd love to have your company. If you're sure."

"I am," Lan Zhan answered. "I would… very much like to… catch up with you."

"Well then." Wei Ying's smile broadened and started again in the direction he was heading earlier. "Right this way, sir. But I'm warning you. I'm basically a snail now."

For a beat there was silence, in which Wei Ying figured that Lan Zhan was probably looking for a proper response. He still didn't know how to handle self-deprecating humor, then. Wei Ying chuckled quietly to himself. The more things change…

"That is alright," Lan Zhan finally said. "I have time."

"Oh, do you? That's great!" Wei Ying grinned from ear to ear, marveling at how easy it suddenly was. "Aah, Lan Zhan I really missed this!"

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed but didn't say anything else.

For a few moments silence reigned again, of a comfortable kind. One that allowed Wei Ying to bask in the startling, almost miraculous presence of his best friend. Or it would have been, had Wei Ying not been keenly aware of Lan Zhan's intense stare.

"Do I really look that bad?" He teased, hoping to give Lan Zhan the opening he probably needed to ask whatever questions he had. "I've actually gained weight over Dongzhi you know."

Lan Zhan blinked, as if startled to be called out. Wasn't he aware that he had been staring? Or had he not expected Wei Ying to say something?

"You look…" he started, then swept his gaze over Wei Ying.

"Tired?" Wei Ying offered, keeping the humor in his words. The last thing he wanted Lan Zhan to think was that he needed to sugar coat his words around him now. "Stressed? Battle worn?"

"Different," Lan Zhan finished.

"Ah." Wei Ying breathed out, something in his chest tightening. "Good different, or bad different?"

Lan Zhan looked at him for a long moment.

"Different you," he finally answered. A pause. "More you."

Wei Ying's breath stuttered, a small questioning sound dragging itself up his throat.

"Wei Ying…" Lan Zhan hesitated for a brief moment, unsure. "May I know your pronouns?"

Always so straight to the point.

"Pro… Pronouns?!" Wei Ying chuckled but even he could hear the nerves buzzing through that sound. "How did you figure that?"

Lan Zhan just kept looking at him. Wei Ying swallowed.

"I…"

He had to know. Since he actually asked, he had to already know. Or at least suspect. Be aware. In general, or about Wei Ying? Had he realized in their years apart, or was there something about Wei Ying now that made him guess? No one has ever been able to tell upon glance. No one.

Something fluttered deep in his chest, like the jingles of a tambourine reverberating. It gave him courage.

Wei Ying took a deep, steadying breath. "He, him, Lan Zhan. It's he, him."

He managed to swallow the thousand words that dragged themselves up his throat instead of that one, simple truth. To his credit, Lan Zhan let him, waiting patiently and with complete silence for Wei Ying to say his part.

"I'm trans," Wei Ying added, finding it easier to say after the initial confession. "As in full time, on actual testosterone, trans male."

Their eyes met. A heartbeat of silence.

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "Makes sense."

Wei Ying had not expected that.

In his defense, no one had ever replied like that to him coming out.

"What?" He choked out, bewildered. Lan Zhan was giving him a gentle look, a diametrical opposite of Wei Ying's wide eyes. "Why does that make sense, Lan Zhan?"

"It didn't before." Lan Zhan's gaze dropped. "Now it does."

"What? Why?" Wei Ying repeated, not comprehending a single word his friend had said. At the back of his mind he knew he should be happy and relieved that as dear a friend as Lan Zhan accepted him, and he would be later, but now he was just confused. "Lan Zhan, what are you saying?"

"You confounded me. Before. I didn't understand. It didn't. Add up." He didn't even expect an answer beyond a shrug and an 'It just does', and yet Lan Zhan gave him one, trying to explain like he wanted Wei Ying to understand something important. Important enough to bring it up at their first chance meeting in years. It still didn't clear anything up. The way he was dragging his words out seemed odd too, for how upfront Lan Zhan usually was.

"What didn't add up?" Wei Ying asked again. What about him had confused Lan Zhan?

"I didn't know you were a boy. So it didn't make sense," Lan Zhan answered without looking up and Wei Ying felt dread tighten his stomach into a knot. "But now it does."

"What?" He frowned, the rush of blood pounding in his ears. "Lan Zhan, what are you talking about?"

Lan Zhan finally looked up at him and Wei Ying suddenly felt light headed. The grip on his crutches must have gone knuckle white from how firmly he was gripping the handles. It couldn't be…

"I was confused why I liked you," Lan Zhan whispered, dropping his gaze again. "Why I enjoyed kissing you."

Wei Ying's brain was white static.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, "No!"

His whole body wanted to recoil with shock.

"Wei Ying," Lan Zhan pleaded but was cut short.

"I confessed to you! I told you I liked you!" He saw the bob of Lan Zhan's throat, how his eyes fell shut as he swallowed. Wei Ying despaired for words that could express the entire scale of emotions he felt, from betrayal to hope, but mostly just... shock. "You said you… You've never… And now, after everything… Do you even… Lan Zhan!!!"

"Wei Ying," he said his name like it was all he was capable of saying, with a hitch of sudden hesitance on the last syllable, a minuscule frown around his eyes, like he realized something important. "Do you still call yourself Wei Ying?"

The quiet question conjured up another memory, of an occasion much kinder.

"It's my birth name," he heard his youthful voice, still too high although most had described it as low. Lan Zhan had raised an eyebrow at him, even more puzzled than before. Wei Ying had laughed as he went to explain. "Same character as in 'infant'. Wuxian is the name uncle Jiang gave me so that I have a better name than, you know, 'baby'. It's a cool name! I mean, 'no envy' come on! Like I have no match in the world! Totally rad, you know, uncle Jiang's naming sense is A+."

"But you prefer Wei Ying." Lan Zhan had looked at him then, searchingly and Wei Ying had looked away with a snort, to hide his swallow.

"It's a terrible name. Who the hell names their baby 'baby'?"

Lan Zhan hadn't replied anything to that, and Wei Ying still remembered his next words, and how they had burned on his tongue, how he couldn't hold them back.

"It's what the people who loved me had called me."

In the present, Wei Ying found himself laughing in spite of the utter shock. Only Lan Zhan. Only Lan Zhan would give him a heart attack first then go make sure he wasn't deadnaming him on top of everything.

"Lan Zhan!!!" He cried out. "That's so not the point right now! But, yes, I do. I changed it back, actually. Officially, I mean."

"You dislike it." It sounded more like a question than a statement, so Wei Ying answered.

"Don't get me wrong, I still think Wuxian is way cooler, and my siblings still call me that, but…" His gaze fell away from Lan Zhan to something more distant, beyond his focus as he struggled over his words, drawing them out only with great difficulty from where they were rooted deep inside of him. "It's the name given to the image of a person that never really existed. Like… the painting of a person you met in a dream. And I sorta… I like to imagine that, regardless of who I am… They would still love me."

They. The people who gave him that horrible, unimaginative name.

"Mn," Lan Zhan agreed like there had never been any doubt about it. Wei Ying snorted.

"Wei Ying," there it was again, his name, spoken so kindly, if not hesitantly as Lan Zhan too seemed to be struggling for words. "I would like to apologize. I hurt you. I have been looking for you to tell you this."

All at once, Wei Ying felt his shock settle into something more profound, like the wave that had swallowed him revealing the depth of the ocean. There was nothing Lan Zhan had to apologize for. Not for the lack of awareness, and certainly not for his feelings. Even their conflicts had always stemmed from a place of deep care.

"No." Wei Ying shook his head. "Not more than I hurt myself, Lan Zhan. Even when you scolded me, you never hurt me."

Had Lan Zhan broken his heart? Yeah, he had. So what? Did that mean he could be held accountable for it? Wei Ying's feelings were his own shit to deal with, not Lan Zhan's. Returning them wasn't Lan Zhan's duty. Even if he returned them, would it be fair to fault him for running away from them? For feeling insecure and anxious about his own attraction? For not knowing these things weren't as clear cut as all the adults around them had wanted to make them believe? It wasn't like Wei Ying had known either back then. He had, perhaps, understood himself even less than Lan Zhan. Most importantly, it was all in the past now. It couldn't be changed. What they made of it now was what mattered.

"None of my bullshit is your fault," he added. "You didn't go and tell me to fuck up my life. That was all on me."

"You wrote," Lan Zhan started, then paused, hesitating, then started again. "In your letter, you wrote…"

Wei Ying picked up on the question immediately.

"Not you," he said, the same words he had penned all those years ago in what was one of only two letters. "Never you. I had my reasons, but none of them were about you. In fact, I thought of you as the last good thing in my life at that point. The one true friend I still had left."

Lan Zhan's gaze fell on his crutches, but he didn't ask. Wei Ying was grateful.

"Come on, I need to get a move on," he said, starting to walk again, smiling at the surprised expression Lan Zhan had given him, when he realized he was still welcome to accompany him. Maybe it was something about that look that made Wei Ying add, after another second of thought, "There are people waiting for my return."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hummed, falling back in step next to him. "That's good. You should have people waiting for you at home."

Wei Ying couldn't help but smile.

"Say, Lan Zhan,…" he said after a few seconds of silence, when all what Lan Zhan has confessed slowly sunk in. "When you say you've been looking for me… You mean all this time?"

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. Wei Ying watched him gather his thoughts, the snow fluttering all around them. "I wanted to see you. Ask how you were doing. See if… If you needed support. Apologize. For not being a good friend to you before."

"Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying listened to him, and when Lan Zhan finally looked up at him his gaze was so sincere that his heart ached with it.

"I wanted to tell you the truth." Lan Zhan didn't let himself be interrupted. "That I liked you back. Without any expectations. That I didn't understand, but that it didn't matter. That I could like you without understanding why. That I wasn't asking for anything, just wanted you to know. That I wanted to help, in any way you'd let me."

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" Wei Ying sighed, vision suddenly blurred. He drew a deep breath. "But I wasn't there."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded. "I asked your sister where I could find you…"

"But she didn't know," Wei Ying finished for him. No one knew, except one person. "And Jiang Cheng wouldn't give you my address if you held him at gunpoint."

"Your brother knows you're here." It had the structure of a question but it was spoken as a statement, the same kind of incredulous as the look Lan Zhan was giving him. All things considered, it was kinda fair, Wei Wuxian thought as he barked a laugh.

"Yeah," he said, shoulders shaking a little as he snickered. "He's the designated secret keeper."

Lan Zhan just stared, wordlessly.

Wei Ying's smile gained an edge at the unspoken question. He had to clear his throat before he answered. "We're… not quite alright yet, but… Ah, how do I say this? He's the better judge of the situation? With, uhm, aunt Yu, I mean. It's… complicated."

Honestly, when wasn't it?

"I… see." Lan Zhan really didn't sound like he did, but didn't press, continuing his story instead. "Your sister was able to tell me which city you were in. So I… applied for a job."

Wait. Pause. Rewind.

"You work here?!" Wei Ying felt his jaw go slack.

"As an attorney. At 'Xiao and Song'," Lan Zhan confirmed, then looked back at Wei Ying. "Civil law. With focus on LGBTQ+ rights. I passed the bar last year."

"You…" There was so much to unpack in that statement that Wei Ying couldn't quite get the words together fast enough. At the back of his mind he was aware he should probably congratulate Lan Zhan on his degree but he was too stunned by the other, more important implications. "You've moved here? For work? All because… Because… You were looking for me?"

"Mn."

"Lan Zhan!" His amazing friend who, for some reason, in spite of having a great new life had been desperate to find him. "But you… But I…"

"Wei Ying," he spoke so, so softly, but with clear intent to stop any protest Wei Ying might have wanted to utter. It worked. Wei Ying's mouth fell shut, taking his friend in with a bright, wide gaze. "I missed you. I have no expectations. I just… missed you."

Warmth spread in Wei Ying's chest over the tender words, like a dying flame rekindled.

"Lan Zhan..." He didn't quite know what to say, oddly touched. "It's how you knew, isn't it? I'm not the only trans person you've met."

"There was a client," Lan Zhan admitted. "They made me think of you. I have wanted to ask you since. I wanted to know if… If I made a mistake."

He didn't specify what mistake he feared being guilty of. He didn't really have to.

For a while Wei Ying just looked at him.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…" He sighed, a small but genuine smile stealing itself onto his lips. "You… you're something else, you know that?"

Lan Zhan didn't reply, but there was something vulnerable in his expression.

"I missed you too."

Lan Zhan's eyes snapped back to Wei Ying's face, full of naked hope and a surprise so honest and pure that Wei Ying's heartstrings almost snapped. He could accept it. He could accept a friend longing for his company, even as his heart hammered against his chest like it was trying to escape its utter desolation.

"I couldn't have expected you to know something I didn't realize until much later." He hadn't realized there was tension around his friend's eyes until it relaxed.

Wei Ying took him in, his entire appearance and noted that although perfectly poised and immaculately dressed, beneath it all there was an exhaustion, a tension he didn't recognize. He thought about their meeting – the collision of two bodies launched out of their orbit – and everything else Lan Zhan had told him and a question dragged itself on his tongue that refused to be swallowed back in.

"Say, Lan Zhan… Since we are being so honest..." He asked before he could have thought better of it. "Why aren't you in Suzhou yet, for real? You always went home at least two weeks ahead of the festival. Did something happen?"

If there was something happening with Lan Zhan's family… Well, Wei Ying had missed enough opportunities to be a good friend in all the years they had been apart, or even before that. If Lan Zhan wanted to be his friend, Wei Ying was returning that tenfold. A secret for a secret, a truth for a truth.

If Lan Zhan wanted, that was.

For a second Wei Ying wasn't sure, but then the broad shoulders slumped, heaving like a weight was being lifted off them.

"I didn't always intend to go," Lan Zhan admitted. "Brother convinced me at the last moment. I wish he hadn't."

Their eyes met and Wei Ying felt a sudden heat spread through his cheeks at the intensity of Lan Zhan's gaze. He didn't take the bait, waiting patiently instead.

"I came out to my uncle. After the bar." Lan Zhan's gaze fell to the ground again, and Wei Ying already knew what he was about to say, aching dread settling painfully in his chest. "He did not… react well. He tried to set me up immediately afterwards."

"Aw man..." Wei Ying tried to sound both gentle and sympathetic without being too pitying. In his experience that never helped. "Yeah, I get that you didn't want to go home after that."

"Mn." Lan Zhan nodded, but said no more.

"Was she at least pretty?" Wei Ying tried to joke, unable to bear that forlorn expression on Lan Zhan's face and incapable of thinking of anything better to cheer his friend up. It would have been easy in the past, but now, with years containing entire lifetimes between them he didn't know anymore how to make Lan Zhan laugh.

But then Lan Zhan's lips twitched a little, so maybe not all was lost.

"Luo Qingyang," he answered, like Wei Ying was supposed to know the vaguely familiar name. Lan Zhan responded to his confused frown with his own and went on to explain. "You were in the drama club together. She was… Juliet. To your Romeo."

Very few guys had been in the drama club at that time, so Wei Ying had usually gotten the main male protagonist. He had loved it. It had been one of the reasons why he had joined the drama club in the first place. His co-star in all of that...

"Mianmian!" He exclaimed, eyes bright with delight. "It's been ages since I've last…"...Seen her. Seen anyone, he didn't say, schooled his expression and laughed instead. "I can't believe they tried to set you up with Mianmian! How is she?"

"Mn," Lan Zhan made a small sound out agreement that amused Wei Ying, before he answered. "She is well. Studying. Also law. She will take the bar next year."

"All of you are so smart…" Wei Ying chuckled, fond with more memories. "You know I made out with her once?" He promptly laughed at Lan Zhan's expression. "Relax, it wasn't as good as with you."

Their eyes met again and Wei Ying saw something like hope spark in Lan Zhan's eyes, which…

Wei Ying stopped. He let his gaze wander around, collecting his thoughts. He startled as he realized he was almost home, the agonizing minutes he usually needed reduced to nothing in the presence of his friend. The ache that had gnawed at his limbs earlier had all but disappeared, replaced by a longing ache in his heart.

"Lan Zhan," he found himself speaking without the input of his mind. "You said you liked me, so you should know… I don't intend to have surgery." He saw Lan Zhan open his mouth, probably to assure him once more of his pure intentions, which Wei Ying didn't need to hear. "I know, I know, you have no expectations, and I'm not saying we have to, but… My feelings for you never changed. I still like you, but I'm also… I'm a man Lan Zhan, but I'm not adjusting my body. Not to that degree."

"Is it a financial issue?" Lan Zhan asked after a pause and Wei Ying cut him off before he could continue with something ridiculous like an offer to pay.

"It's… not not about money, but…" He thought for a moment about how to say what he wanted to say. "Regardless of that, I refuse to go through all the legal hoops that this government would demand of me, like I'm supposed to beg them just to be who I am. And... Besides that…" He took a deep breath. "I think I'd like to have another child."

"Another…" There was a strangled sound, which he ignored, forcing himself to voice what he'd been struggling to put into words for a while now.

"I want to give it one more try. Voluntarily," Wei Ying found it difficult to say, despite the thought of a baby in his arms filling him with a warmth he wouldn't have expected mere years ago. "With someone I actually like this time."

"This time." There was something very wrong with the tone of Lan Zhan's voice, and as Wei Ying looked up at him, realization hit him with the force of a freight train.

"Oh! Oh no!" Lan Zhan's eyes were akin to saucers, and Wei Ying vaguely thought he had never seen his friend express shock so openly. "Fuck, I'm so dumb! Of course you don't know! How would you know?!"

Of course that very same moment, before Lan Zhan had any chance of collecting himself, a cheerful shout echoed through the street in an all too familiar, youthful voice. "BABA!!!"

Wei Ying winced. In the way life usually was – his life in particular – before Wei Ying could come up with a single word of explanation, there was the flurry of movement, and a warmth enveloping his leg – the better one.

"Baba, baba, you're home!"

Wei Ying's eyes fell down to the source of the excited noise to have two mischievous gray eyes reflected back at him. An unbidden smile spread on his face.

"A-Yuan!" He shifted around a little until he could safely run his fingers through the child's hair, even as he was keenly aware of the man next to him. "Have you been waiting for me?"

There was a twinkle and a nod, his very own baby's face beaming up at him with unabashed adoration. A tiny hand wrapped itself around his wrist and just like that the last of the day's stress fell away. He looked back at Lan Zhan. It was difficult to describe the expression his friend was giving him, frozen with disbelief, shock and something too close to horror, as his mind seemed to be rearranging and reevaluating every piece of information known to him. Finding no point in delaying the inevitable, Wei Ying braced himself and went for it.

"Lan Zhan, this is a-Yuan. He's mine. Gave birth to him and all." He made a point to smile, although Lan Zhan's expression remained unchanged. Deciding to give him the space he needed to get himself together, Wei Ying turned his attention back to his child. "A-Yuan, this is Lan Zhan. He's an old friend of mine from school. Want to introduce yourself?"

"Hello!" A-Yuan said before Wei Ying even finished the sentence. "I'm a-Yuan and I'm already four years old! I like butterflies and bunnies! Baba gave me Radish and a coloring book for my birthday. I was four last month! I love my baba bestest! But I love xiao-shushu und Qing-guma and granny and uncle Shi lotsa too!"

It was an altogether perfect introduction, and Wei Ying felt pride and love thrumming through his heart with a strength he hadn't believed to be possible. He watched the mental math behind Lan Zhan's eyes, a complicated expression spreading on his friend's face. He decided to give him another moment to complete the mental calculations and focused on something else that a-Yuan had reminded him of.

"Speaking of, where's your xiao-shushu?" Wei Ying looked around, then with growing suspicion back at the child still wrapped around his leg. "Did you ditch him again?"

Mischief spread on a-Yuan's face as he hid in Wei Ying's thigh.

"A-Yuan." Wei Ying narrowed his eyes at him, gently scolding. "We've talked about this. No walking around on your own. What if something happened?"

"But I'm with you," came the simple answer. "I have to help you walk. You said! To help you walk I have to take your hand. I saw you and gege wasn't holding your hand, so I came to help."

"Ah, so filial, a-Yuan…" Wei Ying looked up to the skies, silently begging the heavens for strength while fighting a ferocious blush. This child of his was as much a blessing as he was a huge trouble. The best kind of trouble, if Wei Ying was honest.

"A-Yuan!"

He was still busy trying to change his smile into something more stern, when as if on cue the uncle in question appeared around the corner, calling for his nephew, looking just as frantic as Wei Ying expected him to be. He waited for Wen Ning's eyes to find them, before he looked back down at a-Yuan.

"See how worried Wen Ning is? You can't do this, a-Yuan." The child's expression fell. "Go tell him you're alright and apologize for running away."

A-Yuan didn't waste a single second, rocketing towards his uncle with an excited call.

With his child safe in the most dependable arms that there were, Wei Ying turned to Lan Zhan again. His friend's eyes were closed, face pulled into a tight expression, lips pressed into a thin line, all of which told him what conclusion Lan Zhan had reached.

"It was part of the reason," Wei Ying said, because he knew Lan Zhan would never ask and he wanted his friend to know. "But it wasn't all of it."

Lan Zhan's eyes opened, his look agonized but not pitying, Wei Ying realized.

"There were many things going on," he said. "It was all so fucked up… I knew I couldn't keep him, and somehow I figured… Might as well go together. In the end we both survived, funny that."

"The father. The father is…" Lan Zhan trailed off, couldn't bring himself to say the name, but he didn't have to. Just as Wei Ying didn't have to answer other than with a rueful smile. After all, there was only one option. Lan Zhan drew a deep breath. "Was it… Did he…"

Here too, Wei Ying knew what he was asking, felt it like the edge of a knife against his skin.

"I don't want to talk about it." He swallowed, a prickling at the corners of his eyelids. "Not yet, at least. I'll tell you the story another time."

Lan Zhan nodded. Worried his jaw. Wei Ying waited.

"Was that why you… left?" His voice was so quiet that if Wei Ying wasn't paying attention, he probably wouldn't have noticed he had said anything at all.

"To put it in the words of aunt Yu, whores aren't welcome under her roof. She threatened to leave uncle Jiang, if he kept supporting me. It's fine," he added quickly when he saw Lan Zhan's face darkening. "Uncle Jiang gave me the trust fund he had for me, which wasn't little, I have a job and I get some aid from the government too. There's also granny's pension and everyone else is working. You don't have to worry, Lan Zhan, we get by."

Lan Zhan looked like he wanted to say something cutting, but luckily they were interrupted by Wen Ning joining them, a-Yuan in his arms. He was probably getting too big for that, but he knew first hand that Wen Ning could lift a full-sized adult without breaking a sweat so he wasn't very worried for either of them.

"Wei-ge, welcome home," Wen Ning greeted him. His eyes wandered to Lan Zhan for a brief moment, then to Wei Ying's hands which were still scraped. "Is everything alright?"

"More than!" Wei Ying ignored the look, grinning and watched a-Yuan beam at him. "Everything's perfect, look who I met in town! You remember Lan Zhan, right? He was in the same class with Wen Qing. Turns out he works here!"

Wei Ying managed to say all of that in one breath before he even realized he was doing it, yet consciously leaving out the bar and without bothering to detail exactly how the 'bumping' went down. Wen Ning took it all in, then gave Lan Zhan a polite smile, his dark eyes meeting Lan Zhan's squarely.

"I know of Lan-xianbei," he said slowly, cautiously polite, before his expression settled into a smile and he inclined his head in greeting. "We've never met officially."

There was a brief round of long overdue introductions, which Wei Ying was happy to ignore in favor of watching a-Yuan grow increasingly fascinated with Lan Zhan. It etched the lines around Wei Ying's smile deeper into his features, in a way he hasn't felt for a long time.

"A-Yuan." he couldn't help but pinch one of the chubby cheeks, after a little shifting of weight. "You keep looking at Lan Zhan like that, he'll think you like him."

"Pretty gege," was all a-Yuan had to say to that, a smile splitting his face, while Lan Zhan's ears turned red. Wei Ying laughed, alight with surprise that the one tell-tale sign of his shyness still remained. Lan Zhan was looking at a-Yuan with increasing curiosity, that pained line from earlier disappearing from his features, slowly replaced by wonder instead.

Wei Ying only looked away when he felt a tiny finger poke at his cheek, angling his head towards a-Yuan to listen to whatever secret his son wanted to share.

"Will pretty gege stay for dinner?" A-Yuan whispered through his hands, causing a complicated set of feelings to run through Wei Ying's chest.

"Sorry, sweetheart, but Lan-shushu can't stay." Wei Ying mock pouted at his son. "He has a flight to catch later."

"Why?" A-Yuan asked, as he did all the time.

"He has to visit his family," Wei Ying answered.

"Oh…" A-Yuan's face fell. There was no doubt in Wei Ying's mind had the answer been anything else, he would have kept asking, but if there was one word a-Yuan understood better than anyone, it was 'family'. It didn't mean he liked it. "But… But I heard! I heard that we will have a party tonight! I cleaned my room, and I did a picture for teacher, and helped granny bake! I was the bestest and uncle said I could stay up extra long tonight 'cause then baba would live forever!"

"I didn't say forever," Wen Ning corrected him timidly, but neither of them paid attention to him, the poor soul. A-Yuan only heard what he wanted to hear, and Wei Ying was too busy making sure his heart didn't burst. He still sometimes couldn't quite believe how much he loved this child.

"Me too." It came unexpectedly from beside him, and when Wei Ying turned to look he found Lan Zhan looking almost as surprised as he felt. "I mean, I also usually stay up longer on Chuxi."

A-Yuan's smile eclipsed the sun. Lan Zhan returned it with an expression so impossibly soft that Wei Ying's heart almost did burst then.

"Pretty gege can stay, and his family can come too, and I will draw everyone a picture!" A-Yuan all but vibrated with bare excitement that Wei Ying felt bad that he had to chide him.

"A-Yuan, do we tell people what they can and can't do, or do we ask?" He had picked the gentlest way possible, but his son still hid his face in his uncle's neck, utterly dejected.

To be fair, Lan Zhan looked rather stricken himself. It was adorable to watch and Wei Ying… Wei Ying knew that no matter whatever feelings he might be harboring, he only came as a set with his son. There was no possible way of heaping that responsibility on another person from the get go, on top of everything else, and yet. And yet. Lan Zhan was regarding a-Yuan with such fondness that it did strange things to Wei Ying's heart, and just like that courage bloomed in Wei Ying's chest.

"How about a compromise? Lan Zhan," he asked carefully. "You still have a few hours left until you have to be at the airport, don't you? Would you… Would you like to come inside?"

"Yes, yes, yes! Please, pretty gege, pretty please." A-Yuan loved the idea, immediately reaching his arms out in silent demand to be held. Wei Ying could only watch as Wen Ning oh so carefully leaned forward and tightened his hold so that a-Yuan could safely launch himself into Lan Zhan's open, waiting arms. He bet Lan Zhan hadn't even noticed how he held them out in a response that had seemed completely automatic.

"A-Yuan," Wei Ying reprimanded him gently, doing everything he could to ignore the adorable pout that pressed into Lan Zhan's shoulder. It was difficult to do with his heart singing like that.

"I would hate to intrude," Lan Zhan replied hesitantly, his eyes not leaving a-Yuan for a second and Wei Ying felt his heart constrict.

"I don't think anyone would mind," Wen Ning said, smiling gently.

"It won't be an issue, Lan Zhan, really." Their eyes met. "We still have a lot to… catch up on."

There was a spark that darkened Lan Zhan's eyes briefly, something heavy settling in the air between the two of them. Chance had brought Lan Zhan back into his life, and Wei Ying wanted to hold on. In any way he was allowed to. As long as he was allowed to.

"And you could meet… You could meet my family." Warmth spread deep in Wei Ying's chest as the word 'family' echoed in his mind, before he added in a whisper. "If you like."

"Wei Ying…" Finally, after what felt like an entire eternity, Lan Zhan spoke, the softest of smiles spreading on his face, gentle as the first rays of the sun on a misty morning. "I would very much love to meet your family."

"Great!" Wei Ying felt the smile split his face from one ear to another and amidst the cheers of his child that echoed the ones in his heart and started towards the door that Wen Ning held open for him. "Come on in then! Let's give everyone the shock of their life that I brought home such a handsome man!"

"Wei Ying…" It was spoken as a reprimand but it sounded like a chuckle.

"Hi, handsome! You're Lan Zhan, right? I've heard all about you!" Somewhere in his memory a cheerful voice greeted the most beautiful youth that there ever was. "I'm Wei Wuxian. I'll let you call me Wei Ying."

The door fell shut to the sound of Wei Ying's laugh.

#vedrividia #wangxianLNY21 #*LNYfic21 #*LNYgifts21

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inu-fiction · 5 years

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PSA: Stuff You Maybe Didn’t Realize You Can Back Up To AO3, And How To Tag it

Tumblr seems to be in potential death throes or at least, incredibly volatile and unreliable lately, but we’ve done some pretty good and informative work on canon analysis and reference guides so I was looking for ways to back it up without losing it...and the solution became obvious to me: Archive of Our Own, aka AO3. “What?” you might ask if you are less familiar with their TOS. “Isn’t that just a fanfic archive??” No! It’s a fanWORK archive. It is an archive for fanworks in general! “Fanwork” is a broad term that encompasses a lot of things, but it doesn’t just include fanfic and fanart, vids etc; it also includes “fannish” essays and articles that fall under what’s often called “meta” (from the word for “beyond” or “above”, referencing that it goes beyond the original exact text)! The defining factor of whether Archive of Our Own is the appropriate place to post it is not whether or not it’s a fictional expansion of canon (fanfic), though that is definitely included - no, it’s literally just “is this a work by a ‘fan’ intended for other ‘fannish’ folks/of ‘fannish’ interest?” The articles we’ve written as a handy reference to the period-appropriate Japanese clothing worn by Inuyasha characters? The analyses of characters? The delineations of concrete canon (the original work) vs common “fanon” (common misconceptions within the fandom)? Even the discussion of broader cultural, historical, and geographic context that applies to the series and many potential fanworks? All of those are fannish nonfiction! Which means they absolutely can (and will) have a home on AO3, and I encourage anybody who is wanting to back up similar works of “fannish interest” - ranging from research they’ve done for a fic, to character analyses and headcanons - to use AO3 for it, because it’s a stable, smooth-running platform that is ad-free and unlike tumblr, is run by a nonprofit (The OTW) that itself is run by and for the benefit of, fellow fans. Of course, that begs the question of how to tag your work if you do cross-post it, eh? So on that note, here’s a quick run-down of tags we’re finding useful and applicable, which I’ve figured out through a combination of trial and error and actually asking a tag wrangler (shoutout to @wrangletangle for their invaluable help!): First, the Very Broad: - “ Nonfiction ”. This helps separate it from fanfic on the archive, so people who aren’t looking for anything but fanfic are less likely to have to skim past it, whereas people looking for exactly that content are more likely to find it. - while “Meta” and “Essay” and even “Information” are all sometimes used for the kinds of nonfiction and analytical works we post, I’ve been told “ Meta Essay ” is the advisable specific tag for such works. This would apply to character analyses, reference guides to canon, and even reference guides to real-world things that are reflected in the canon (such as our articles on Japanese clothing as worn by the characters). The other three tags are usable, and I’ve been using them as well to cover my bases, but they’ll also tend to bring up content such as “essay format” fanfic or fanfic with titles with those words in them - something that does not happen with “Meta Essay”.

- I’ve also found by poking around in suggested tags, that “ Fanwork Research & Reference Guides ” is consistently used (even by casual users) for: nonfiction fannish works relating to analyses of canon materials; analyses of and meta on fandom-specific or fanwork-specific tropes; information on or guides to writing real-world stuff that applies to or is reflected in specific fandoms' media (e.g. articles on period-appropriate culture-specific costuming and how to describe it); and expanded background materials for specific fans' fanworks (such as how a given AU's worldbuilding is supposed to be set up) that didn't fit within the narrative proper and is separated out as a reference for interested readers. Basically, if it's an original fan-made reference for something specific to one or more fanworks, or a research aid for writing certain things applicable to fanworks or fannish interests in general, then it can fall under that latter tag.

- You should also mark it with any appropriate fandom(s) in the “Fandom” field. Just like you would for a fanfic, because of course, the work is specifically relevant to fans of X canon, right? If it discusses sensitive topics, or particular characters, etc., you should probably tag for those. E.g. “death” or “mental illness”, “Kagome Higurashi”, etc.

Additionally, if you are backing it up from a Tumblr you may wish to add: - “ Archived From Tumblr “ and/or “ Cross-Posted From Tumblr ” to reference the original place of publication, for works originally posted to tumblr. (I advise this if only because someday, there might not be “tumblr” as we know it, and someone might be specifically looking for content that was originally on it, you never know) - “ Archived From [blog name] Blog ”; this marks it as an archived work from a specific blog. And yes, I recommend adding the word “blog” in there for clarity- Wrangletangle was actually delighted that I bothered to tag our first archived work with “Archived From Inu-Fiction Blog” because being EXTREMLY specific about things like that is super helpful to the tag wranglers on AO3, who have to decide how to categorize/”syn” (synonym) various new tags from alphabetized lists without context of the original posting right in front of them. In other words, including the name AND the word “blog” in it, helps them categorize the tag on the back end without having to spend extra time googling what the heck “[Insert Name Here]” was originally.

Overall, you should be as specific and clear as possible, but those tags/tag formats should prove useful in tagging it correctly should you choose to put fannish essays and articles up on AO3 :) Oh, and protip sidebar for those posting, especially works that are more than plain text: you can make archiving things quicker and easier for yourself, but remember to plan ahead for tumblr’s potential demise/disabling/service interruptions. The good news: You can literally copy and paste the ENTIRE text of a tumblr post from say, an “edit” window, on tumblr, straight into AO3′s Rich Text Format editor, and it will preserve pretty much all or almost all of the formatting - such as bold, italics, embedded links, etc! But the bad news: keep in mind that while AO3 allows for embedded images and it WILL transfer those embedded images with a quick copy-paste like that, AO3 itself doesn’t host the images for embedding; those are still external images. This means that whether or not they continue to load/display for users, depends entirely on whether the file is still on the original external server! As I quickly discovered, in the case of posts copied from the Edit window of a tumblr post, the images will still point to the copies of the images ON tumblr’s servers. What this means is that you should back up (save copies elsewhere of) any embedded images that you consider vital to such posts, in case you need to upload them elsewhere and fiddle with where the external image is being pulled from, later. Personally, I’m doing that AND adding image descriptions underneath them, just to be on the safe side (and in fairness, this makes it more accessible to people who cannot view the images anyway, such as sight-impaired people who use screen readers or people who have images set to not automatically display on their browser, so it’s win-win)

#signal boost #psa #archiving #fanworks #archive of our own #ao3 #the great big migration to ao3 #how to #inuyasha #how to tag

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draugsresurrection · 4 years

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Draug’s Resurrection Masterpost

Remember when I said I'd make a general introductory post about Draug's Resurrection and reblog that every three or four months, back in 2018? Yeah, that didn't happen. So I sort of re-wrote it. Now with loads of pictures in between! Same idea as before; neatly tying together any general information a newcomer would want to learn at a glance, without being overly wordy. Maybe I'll be more vigilant with this one. Probably not though.

What is Draug’s Resurrection?

Draug’s Resurrection is a completely free, nonlinear RPG developed by one person. As the name suggests, it is a tale of the resurrection of the warlord Draug, and its quest to obtain the nine artifacts it held in life, thus restoring Draug’s full power and memories, and ultimately stopping the necromancer who raised you, Damian, from unleashing mass destruction upon the world. Or usurp his reign and become an immortal tyrant, or anything in between. Each artifact has the scenario surrounding it continually change over time, and these scenarios love cross-referencing each other. What you don’t do is just as important as what and when you do decide to do it.

For instance, one of Draug’s artifacts resides in the Midland Woods, guarded by a small group of priestesses. If you do the artifact early, it’ll be a fairly simple affair of trying to win the priestess’ trust (or kill them if you’re a huge jerk) and then pounding through a bunch of spiders and other beasties through the forest. However, if you leave the artifact for later, the local army will reinforce the area, not wanting Draug to obtain the artifact and grow ever stronger. If you’ve helped the army out in other locales, or if you’ve assisted other priestesses elsewhere, schisms will fracture the army’s presence in the area. If you’ve given them little reason to trust you, the army and the priestesses will happily work together and become a much more intimidating force. There’s even the third option of you murdered the residing priestesses early but never got the artifact, resulting in a similar but different way for the events to play out.

So where can I download it?

From RPGMaker.net or [itch.io link here].

As of this page's initial writing, there are plans to release version 0.9.0 in a couple of weeks, so I'd recommend sitting tight until then; I figure it better to get people up to speed before its release, rather than afterwards. Despite the name, 0.9.0 is pretty much the full game, but without a thorough playtesting or twenty, I can't in good faith say it's done and stable until then. There's also a couple major issues with trying an 'Evil Draug' playthrough. Still, in ideal circumstances, 0.9.0 is a complete game that takes about 20-30 hours to complete.

At DR’s sheer scope and my extremely limited ability to playtest all possible scenarios, there’ll always be bugs that slip through, or incredibly specific scenarios I didn’t plan for, large or small, which may range from a scenario getting stuck or an NPC talking about something that didn’t actually happen. I’m fairly committed to rooting out as many bugs as I can, and a set of eyes that aren’t mine’ll find things I didn’t think of or have gone numb to. Please contact me if you find anything egregarious. Just a comment on here should be good.

What’s the Battle System like?

Draug’s Resurrection’s battles take place on a 4x2 grid, and is part classic turn-based RPG battles and part turn-based strategy. Positioning is important, but rather than maneuvering around a mostly empty field, you’re swapping in and out of places with both allies and enemies, so you’re always in someone’s line of fire. Other things like Area-of-Effect spells, fancy Ailments, and beneficial Enhancements add further nuance to the system.

It’s a very extensive system, and while most of it is finished and works quite well, there’s still a few holdout spells that aren’t finished yet, mostly those related to counterattack-style Enhancements. Even without them, the Battle System feels complete.

As the game is nonlinear, monsters have to find some way to scale with the player. But scaling always carries massive issues. DR's solution is that monsters themselves do not level, but the chance of seeing them fluctuates with game progression. In simplest terms, there are 18 monsters in each of the game's eight regions with a high probability to encounter at any given time. It results in the player feeling like they're getting stronger, but also remain challenged by encounters. It also means that the majority of monsters will never be seen in a playthrough, tying in nicely with other nonlinear aspects.

It should also be briefly noted that there are options to change the difficulty of encounters or virtually remove them from the game, if you're interested only the the story. The reverse is also an option; higher difficulties technically give you greater freedom to customize characters as you want, as they effectively start at lower levels.

Who are the characters of Draug’s Resurrection?

Including Draug, there are 25 possible party members in Draug’s Resurrection. It’s impossible to get all of them in one playthrough; some of the requirements for one will seal off the other, and if those characters meet, a fight to the death is likely. Further, some can be recruited concurrently, but will refuse to be in the party together. While the party only has room for four, I personally suggest keeping an active rotation of at least six characters; there’s several occasions when you’ll be using multiple parties at the same time.

All characters have one type of weapon, one element of spells, and one class of armour. There are overlaps, but its enough that each character should feel fairly unique. How you equip them determines how they'll level, and spells can be learned in any order you desire, by equipping the appropriate tome for an extended period of time. Both are done simply by completing battles while equipped accordingly; you don't have to do needless stupid actions to increase your skill with anything. Following up on that thought, there's a trio of pages detailing these points in a bit more detail:

Experience and Levelling Up

Personal Skills

Learned Weapon Skills

#Draug's Resurrection #RPG #gamedev #indie game dev #screenshot

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nebulous-wanderings · 5 years

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Tokyo Trip/Kurenai Enishi October 19-21, 2018

Wow look who procrastinated writing a blog post for this for 2 months (me). I made a mini-post when I got back but I didn’t really explain everything I saw and did in my 48hrs there so I’ll do that here. More pictures and me rambling about Tsukista below~

I only went on this little weekend trip because my friend and I had gotten tickets to see Tsukista’s 6th Stage Kurenai Enishi. I would’ve stayed longer but I wanted to save my vacation days for next year :P Luckily, my friend was able to meet me in Tokyo from the area of Japan she currently lives in and stayed with me for the weekend to watch the show.

I arrived Friday evening and checked into the hostel. It had the best prices for the area and was super clean and easy to check in and out - I would definitely stay there again! After that I met @lavendermintrose at Animate since I wanted to buy a penlight and shop around for a bit. We then made a spontaneous visit to the karaoke place with the Tsukista drink collab~

My other friend arrived at the hostel later that night, and we ate a late-night meal and were up until like 2am drafting fan letters on our phones to write onto stationary the next day.

On Saturday we went to Harajuku for breakfast (see first pic at the top) and scoped out the Tsukipro Harajuku Shop. We had timeslots to enter on Sunday, but we passed by it to take a look at how it was set up. After that we tried to get to the train station as fast as possible in order to get to the theater in time for the merch queue to start but Takeshita Dori was looking like this:

which is sooo much worse than Times Square so we were crawling at a snail’s pace back to the station. After the trainride, we got off in Shinjuku where the theater was and it was a bit complicated to find since Google Maps had us cross through and mall and back outside to find the theater (that’s also connected to a movie theater). The line had only opened up 5mins before we got there but there were already so many people ahead of us:

(the entrance is a little past that white sign board with colored rectangles). The wait didn’t feel too long ince they opened sales a bit earlier than the scheduled time and it moved pretty quickly.

My and my friend’s matching tsukiusas (+ my Sing Together Forever usa). I don’t do itabags so I at least brought these little guys.

The merch form~ They got stricter with the purchase limit for this stage (like one copy of each CD per person). (+ check out that girl's Aoi and Yoru itabag in the background)

The hallway to the merch sale tables/entrance to the theater was lined with Kurenai Enishi posters with art of the nenchuu by Jiku-sensei. They matched the red walls nicely lol.

(My face looks really weird in this pic so I covered it lmao) but I was super excited in line 😂 After buying all of out stuff there was a little over an hour until the show started so we got some food and the food court next door and started writing our letters:

My friend wrote one for Yuusaku and gifted local omiyage from her region. I wrote one for Yuusaku and one for Yuusuke. Technically my friend wrote it for me since my handwriting absolutely sucks and we were pressed for time (I would’ve taken forever to write the kana) but I wrote the whole message and she just copied the Japanese onto paper. I handwrote the English I included at the end and also signed it. I included some gifts I brought with me from NY to give to them as well.

We got to the theater as doors opened and placed our letters and gifts in the boxes then picked up the premium seat bonuses (2 group bromides and a shrine charm in the 3rd pic from the top). The charm was one of six color combos depending on which day it was and luckily for me that day was the Rui/Iku colors! Ours were in the 6th or 7th row off to the right. The stage was very wide and we were right in front of the little side-stage area where the actors come out from.

I won’t spoil the plot but I will say that people cried during one of the more dramatic scenes. I wouldn’t say it’s as sad as Yunemigusa though lol (I saw ver. Red btw). It was really cool seeing the new cast for the first time, and I think they all did a fantastic job!

The Mutsuki-kun higawari had Gaku (Haru’s actor) as some evil guy trying to defeat Kakeru who is trying to become a stronger ninja. At first it was just a pair of sunglasses talking while Gaku did the voiceover from backstage but then he appeared on stage in a white lab coat. It was really funny, but I can’t put my finger on what exactly his character was supposed to be referencing lol. Also random note: there was a reoccurring mushroom joke that I also found really funny lol.

The songs in Kurenai Enishi weren’t my favorite per se (I’m not a huge fan of slow songs) but they matched the mood and tone of the show very well. However, I do love the theme song since it’s catchy and makes me want to chant along with it lol.

Since I watched the Red version with Procellarum as the focus, the dance live was their group songs and solo character songs from the 2nd season of CDs. The background dancers were the Six Gravity counterparts from the same age group. Rui is my fave and Yuusaku was soooo cute performing “Oh… Yes!” Ryoki did a great job as Iku, and his dancing looked so pro I was amazed. I was really bopping to You’s “Manatsu no Summer” and he went into the crowd for fanservice as usual lol. For the entirety of Yoru’s song, I was just staring at Yuusaku’s face cuz he’s so bright and sparkly~ He had a big smile on just like Tani’s Yoru and looked like he was having fun. During Kai’s “Beast Master,” I was on the side Haru was mostly dancing on, and let me just say Gaku went IN on the hip movements and overall risqué dance moves lmao. Can’t wait to see that again on the DVD 😂 Taka had big shoes to fill as Shun, but he was great throughout the play and dance live (sasuga idols) and his Shun voice was even super similar to Tomoyuu’s.

At the end they performed “Tsuki no Uta” with both groups which was a lot of fun. I was debating whether or not to change penlight colors at each verse but it would’ve been too difficult lol. I had them on Rui and Iku for the whole duration of the song, but did all the name-yelling fanchants which was fun to be a part of (this was my first time at a jp live event). At the end when everyone runs back and forth on the stage waving goodbye, I was sitting close enough to the stage to tell who in the crowd they were looking at, and I got waves from Iku (who probably saw me frantic waving my green and brown penlights) and Kai! Kai also did a finger gun shoot to the girl 2 seats away from me (sitting next to my friend) since she had a Kai uchiwa and she was crying tears of joy all after that lol.

The closing message for that performance was from Yuusuke, and I could tell he was a bit nervous trying to get words out but he looked genuinely happy to be up there on stage. (Honestly, stan Akiba Yuusuke, he’s adorable).

After it was over, I wanted to watch it again, it felt so short! But we met up with Lavender for some more Tsukista collab karaoke and talked about the show and fangirled over stuff. I kept getting Shun coasters when buying the collab drinks, but in the end I ended up with a Rui at least so all was well. I need some more Growth fans to karaoke with so we can all harmonize on the songs 😂

On Sunday, we went to the Tsukipro Harajuku Shop, but I’ll include that in a separate posts since I hit picture limit in this one already. Overall, I had a fun time and I’m super glad I was able to fulfill one of my goals which was to watch a Tsukista show live! I landed back home at 8pm on Sunday and thankfully I was able to wake up in time for work the next day (due in part to me sleeping most of the plane ride back). 10/10 would do a weekend trip (or longer) again for a stage play or concert 👍

#my digressings #tokyo trip 2018 #tsukista #kurenai enishi

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dustedmagazine · 6 years

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Listening Post: Michael Cosmic — Peace in the World / Phill Musra Group — Creator Spaces (Part Two)

Following up on the part of the conversation posted earlier today, the Dusted crew continues to discuss these newly reissued free jazz records from 1974 Boston.

Mason Jones: I'm pretty outside the jazz realm, though in my years playing avant-experimental music I've crossed paths with a lot of free players, particularly the early '90s Oakland scene (Splatter Trio, Gino Robair, Pluto, and the like). I've dipped into jazz quite often from time to time but for some reason little of modern jazz resonates strongly with me. The expanses of this release that do, surprisingly, are those that breathe more slowly. John Coltrane's not my thing, but like others I also hear echoes of Alice Coltrane in parts of "Peace in the World" for example. Even though it doesn't really sound much like her work, it somehow feels similar. I dig the splashing, crashing drum solo in "The Creator Spaces" and find Ertunç's playing pretty evocative throughout. My deficiency in appreciating reeds certainly impedes my judgment on a lot of this, though, so I'll have to let others get deeper into it all.

Jonathan Shaw: Michael, by "otherness" earlier, you mean a form of alienation beyond being black? Something more musically mediated?

Michael Rosenstein: Good point! By "otherness," I was referring to musical practice. While the traditions of free jazz (and by the mid-70s, the language had developed traditions) were referenced by many of the musicians in Boston, they brought an outsider sensibility to things. That is certainly not unique to Boston, but it was something that certainly struck me when I was first hearing musicians like Voigt, Harvey, Davidson, and Smart (to name a few).

Jonathan Shaw: So interesting to think of a music that wants to articulate some principle of "freedom" developing traditions. Tradition isn't intrinsically reactionary, but that's the way the term often gets used these days—I think especially of how the term resonates in the Traditional Workers' Party. Assholes.

What's freedom's outside? Where can we hear it on these records? I don't know who coined the term "free jazz" and to what extent that usage of free speaks to other forms of Africanist and African American identity construction in 20th century culture; as I noted somewhere above, my sense of "free" in free jazz is liberatory, but in a nationalist sense, black as essentially other than white, and decidedly other than European. But that's not the only way to conceptualize things. Back in the 1920s, Alain Locke argued that black Americans were best positioned to fully embody the country's ethos of freedom and liberty, precisely because blacks understood the opposite of freedom and liberty like no one else. For some reason, I think Locke would be more attracted to Cosmic/Musra's music than he would to Archie Shepp c. 1970 or Braxton.

Derek Taylor: I’m not sure on the origin of the phrase “free jazz” earlier than Ornette’s composition/album of the same name, but that’s when it really started to gain traction as a descriptor. While the “free” is in there, so is “jazz” denoting a foundational framework around which the free elements center and revolve. The specifically Nationalist leanings came shortly after and were confounded in part by the prominent place of white players in the music: Charlie Haden w/ Ornette, Roswell Rudd w/ Archie Shepp, Alan Silva, etc. The free musical elements that Cosmic and Musra employ definitely sound on that axis to my ears while bringing in aspects in part apart from jazz tradition as well (the zurna, African/Latin percussion instruments, etc.)

Any musical idiom that has historical legs is naturally going to develop traditions. Even music as resolutely non-idiomatic as free improvisation has developed recognizable vocabularies over the years through the repeated use of extended techniques and other tools (a reason why Derek Bailey, despite his protestations against precedence and familiarity, is usually instantly recognizable). Tradition in the context of Cosmic/Musric seems like a way of preserving, celebrating older means of musical expression outside Western, or more ambiguously white, cultural standards. But I don't get the feeling that they're doing it from a position of any overt animosity or concerted resistance, but more from a place of naturalness and positivity.

Mason Jones: When I hear "free jazz" or "free music" I also inevitably think of LAFMS, which was coming at "free music" from a very different angle than the jazz cats, though with a lot of sympathy both ways. They were looking to unmoor music from pretty much all frameworks, while I still think of free jazz as identifiably "jazz" — it's leaving behind the traditions but somehow still employing a lot of the same thinking. The Cosmic/Musra set is undeniably jazz even at its most outré, and to me feels only partially "free" in this context. I agree that it doesn't sound reactionary, so I might say that it's aimed towards freedom of expression rather than freedom *from* anything, if you know what I mean.

Jonathan Shaw: Probably also worth noting that a bunch of free players had good times in Europe—Cecil Taylor, Art Ensemble of Chicago, Don Cherry.

Bill Meyer: When musicians operate from a jazz foundation, and when they think what they are doing continues to relate non-antagonistically to jazz, you have free jazz. European free improvisation was started by people who loved jazz, but felt that they could not contribute in a culturally primary way. To be a Briton or European who loved jazz was to love something that came from somewhere else, but they wanted to take the example of serious aesthetic advancement that they saw in Ornette/Coltrane/etc to heart. Some of them (Paul Lytton, I believe, has talked a lot about this) very self consciously cut themselves off from playing music they really loved in order to grow. Others were aware of not being a part of it but continued to use it as a touchstone - Evan Parker for example. And Brotzmann sees himself as a jazz musician, I think, even though he's quite willing to step outside of jazz.

Cosmic/Musra, I think, come from a specifically African-American angle. Presumably they aspired to play jazz before they arrived at the music that they play on this set. The beyond-jazz aspects of their music relates to a divergent stream of jazz (Sun Ra, John and Alice Coltrane, Pharoah Sanders, the AACM) that was reflects ways of expressing and defining identity that were current in the African-Amerian community. As a whole, this music reflects an interest in Africa and non-European cultural, a disinclination to accept mainstream narratives and perspectives at face value, and a valuation of strongly felt/expressed spirituality that made a lot of room for the esoteric.

Derek Taylor: There’s definitely a lot of anecdotal history in support of Jonathan’s point about Stateside versus European experiences for ex-pat free jazz players and jazz players in general. But it wasn’t all rosy for them either. Ayler (in)famously got booed and worse at stops on his first European tour and Coltrane/Dolphy were hit with critical devaluations even earlier for the avenues they opted to explore. That makes the brothers experiences intriguing by contrast. Yes, they came later after the groundwork had been established by forebearers, but they still experienced a pretty uniformly positive response to what they were doing, at least in Chicago and Boston, if not L.A.

Brötzmann’s relationship with and to jazz has been contentious throughout his career. I don’t think he has much use for the term as a descriptor for what he does and hasn’t for quite some time, although his own listening habits apparently tend toward the classicists (Sidney Bechet, Coleman Hawkins, etc. who were themselves somewhat ironically the revolutionaries in their day). Parker’s much more open about acknowledging and embracing his debts (to Coltrane especially).

I get the feeling that Cosmic/Musra’s core musical beliefs came out of the AACM. It’s where they ostensibly really learned to play their instruments. Musra tells the story of Roscoe Mitchell recruiting him, clarinet in hand, right of the beach. Earlier influences were in the African American church (both sang in the choir) and by proxy their father’s record collection/musical interests. So right off the bat neither was coming from any sort of traditional pedagogy, jazz or otherwise. They were steeped in the divergent stream Bill mentions almost from the start.

Jonathan Shaw: Thanks for the context, Derek. You mention the positive response the brothers' records got. Is that response recorded anywhere? Were any prominent jazz critics and/or thinkers writing about the brothers in the 1970s? It would be interesting to see how their contemporaries processed the sounds.

Bill Meyer: I think it's interesting to think about what we mean when we say tradition and what the brothers might have thought tradition meant. Free jazz in all its stripes was the New Thing, and the influences we've noted would have been, for the brothers, music from the last five or ten years. On the other hand we can think of a free jazz tradition because free jazz has been a label as long or longer than most of us have been alive.

Derek Taylor: Good questions, Jonathan & Bill. I was going off of Clifford Allen’s notes & other contextual information available over at his blog Ni Kantu. He’s talked/corresponded with Musra over the years and has gathered a lot of anecdotal context, although I get the impression that the positive response(s) as described was more at the audience/community level rather than a critical or establishment one. Lots of gigs, but pretty much under the radar of the conventional jazz/music press, although I could be mistaken.

The AACM was founded (at least formally) in May of 1965, which would mean that it was it was less than two years old when Mitchell ran into a teen-aged Musra on the beach. Hardly time enough to establish tradition in an orthodox sense. That in turn seems to imply that the traditions the brothers were interested in exploring were older, non-Western and not strictly observed, but rather interpretative jumping off points. It doesn’t sound like their formal instruction prior to AACM enrolment was very extensive at all.

Michael Rosenstein: I wouldn't say that their records got particularly positive responses when they came out. They came out in such limited runs and distribution was so localized at the time. But they definitely played out a fair bit in Boston based on the documentation provided in Mark Harvey's book. There is a flyer that is reproduced from Spring 1974 that lists the following:

That's nine gigs within six weeks in clubs, churches, galleries, universities, radio, and a festival! And there are enough other flyers in the liner notes to the CD and Mark's book to show that this wasn't just a fluke. This provides some evidence as to how much they were integrated as musicians into the DIY jazz and arts communities in Boston at the time.

Derek Taylor: Nice! Appreciate the specifics from Harvey’s book, Michael. When you say responses, are you speaking to audiences or on the critical/journalistic end or both? The grass roots aspects to the brothers’ efforts are pretty pervasive from the nature of the gigs, to their chosen crew(s), to the DIY-nature of the recorded documents. A large slice of their overall charm from where I sit.

Jonathan Shaw: I'm also curious. I'm charmed (wrong word, but hope you all hear me) by the self-released aspect of the records. I come from punk musical and social backgrounds, so my touchstones are Dischord Records, scene reports in Maximum Rock n Roll, zine culture, etc. It's really cool to see the antecedents of those marginal modes of cultural production in Cosmic/Musra, Sun Ra, and so on. As with the free jazz, the punks were trying to find authentic community that could buttress their resistance to social convention in art and in life. I don't know how self-selected the choice to self-release was for Cosmic/Musra.

Michael Rosenstein: Ahhh. When I say that the records "didn't get positive responses," it was in the context of national/mainstream jazz journalism. I also checked the archives of the Boston Globe to see if there was any newspaper coverage but non popped up. But response seems to have been pretty solid within Boston based on the fact that they got radio play (on underground radio/college radio) and played around quite a bit. I agree about the DIY nature of the recorded documents, but I also hear that really extending into their overall musical sensibilities. Like Derek notes, you just need to look at the range of musicians they pulled in.

Self-produced, self-released small labels were definitely relatively prevalent at that time for jazz musicians. I remember going to New Music Distribution Service in the early 80s in New York and there were shelves upon shelves upon shelves of records, a large chunk of which were self-produced. Nice to see that this stuff is continuing to be mined and released.

Jonathan Shaw: Not to continue to allege a comparison, but the proliferation of punk small labels in the 1980s (SST, Alternative Tentacles, R Radical, Dischord, etc) signaled a deliberate choice on the part of some bands to remain outside the music industry. Most of that came out of a left-ish, anticapitalist stance that was more or less coherent, depending on the band; some wanted to gain as much control over the production process as possible, for ideological as well as aesthetic reasons. The loving song to Malcolm X on Cosmic's record is potentially interesting in this regard: X stressed the necessity for black neighborhoods to assert greater control over their local economies, so that wealth could be generated within the community and stay within the community.

Derek Taylor: I think the comparison between valuation of DIY approaches in punk and jazz communities is spot-on. As Bill mentioned earlier there's a long history of jazz artists starting their own labels or having labels started by others to advance their work/interests. That tradition carries through to this day, but was just as prevalent contemporaneously with this set. Hat Hut was just getting off the ground in Switzerland in 1974 as a conduit for Joe McPhee's output, which had earlier been fostered by Craig Johnson's CJR imprint and Giacomo Pelliciotti's Black Saint/Soul Note ventures were launched in similar fashion to steward Billy Harper's efforts. All three were fiercely artist-focused and remained so even when outside pressures/enticements attempted to lure them in other directions. History is also littered with jazz artists who accepted major label overtures only to be dropped when the returns on investment didn't manifest (Sonny Simmons, David S. Ware, Henry Threadgill, Arthur Blythe, etc.). It's not entirely clear whether Musra & Cosmic ever shopped their work to outside concerns, but based the energy the put into their enterprises top to bottom I kind of doubt it.

Bill Meyer: Yeah, Max Roach, Charles Mingus, and Mingus's wife Celia started Debut back in the 50s. Sun Ra and Alton Abraham started Saturn around the same time. It was not new. At the time that Cosmic and Musra made these recordings, I can't imagine that they had a lot of other options. It was a rough time for jazz, commercially speaking. And one thing the punks and indie rockers figured out that I think the jazz indies of past decades never did was how to put together touring and distribution networks.

Jonathan Shaw: 1974 was rough pretty much all around. I've been listening to the version of "Arabia" on the Phill Musra Group record this morning, which seems to me much tougher and dissonant than the longer take on Cosmic's. Even the cymbals on the shorter version have more attack to them. Alongside "Egypt," I can't help but think of the Yom Kippur War of the previous year, formation of OPEC, and the consequent gas shortages in the US. I wonder what it was like performing songs themed toward North African and Middle Eastern cultures at that time.

Bill Meyer: Recession, gas lines, Watergate... they were not salad days.

Michael Rosenstein: There are a bunch of labels started by jazz artists like the ones noted above along with Strata-East founded by Charles Tolliver and Stanley Cowell, and Cecil Taylor's short-lived Unit Core label. But, as Derek notes above, I would guess that Musra & Cosmic were driven more by just wanting to get their music out than by wanting to stay outside the music industry. There just weren't that many options around in the mid-70s for jazz musicians. If anything, I would put their efforts closer to the DIY cassette scene. From the liner notes, it looks like neither Cosmic Records or Intex Records (the two labels that put these out) pretty much existed only to release Musra & Cosmic's music and then disappeared.

Derek Taylor: Interesting question regarding the reception toward music referencing North African and Middle Eastern cultures in the mid-1970s. I doubt the audiences Cosmic & Musra were courting evinced any overt ire or issues, but you never know. A tangent and a much later case, but drummer Pete La Roca (in)famously attempted to bar the reissue of his 1965 Blue Note album Basra (a minor masterpiece, IMO) out of the purported opinion that the title was disrespectful to American troops that had died in Iraq.

Jonathan Shaw: Interesting info, Derek. My grade-school memory of the 1970s suggests that anti-mid-eastern sentiments kicked up a lot after the Islamic Revolution in Iran. I don't know how extensive or intense anti-Arab feeling was in the 73-74 oil shock or to what extent Africanist/African-interested jazz music would have been on that radar of hate.

On a different theme: Michael noted earlier that "The Prayer," on the record of previously unreleased stuff, doesn't feature either of the brothers. From the album booklet, it looks like the only of player of note to the rest of the collection is John Jamyll Jones. The decision to include what seems a relatively tangential piece—especially one of such length—is strange to me (it's a lovely piece). How influential a player was Jones? How extensive might his influence have been on the brothers?

Michael Rosenstein: My guess is that the inclusion was to provide context of other music in a similar vein that was happening in Boston at the time.

Derek Taylor: Jones led the World Experience Orchestra, another Boston band of which the brothers were members and had strong strong ties to NYC. Now Again reissued two albums as a two-fer package prior to the set under discussion here. I was excited prior to hearing Jones, but came away underwhelmed. The music just doesn't hold together as well and the use of singers and less skilled participants is more pronounced.

Jonathan Shaw: That's too bad. I'm listening to "The Prayer" again. Appropriate that it starts with a statement from Jones. I don't usually respond well to flutes, but the solo (notes credit the playing to Stan Strickland) really lights things up. I wonder how thematically significant the instrument's gentleness is, with respect to prayer. The strings also give the piece a sort of rapturous quality. There's some dissonance around the 17th minute, but it's not a dominant tone. Also, the audience's initially confused response to the coda is pretty great.

Michael Rosenstein: Back to the notion of comparing these releases to punk labels in the early 80s, I think a better comparison would be to the local rock bands in the late 70s who did small-run, self releases. There was a promo e-mail that got forwarded recently for a reissue of music by the Austin band Terminal Mind. From what I can tell from the info on the site this band wasn't known much outside of Austin at the time, put out a few EPs themselves that sold out quickly, and then recently got unearthed. Jenny can probably think of a bunch of other examples like this. I think it was just reasonably affordable to pull together a short-run EP/LP back then.

Derek Taylor: The Numero Group has kind of made that sort of thing their reissue forte over the years, first w/ a slew local/regional soul labels and later branching out to include rock, punk & other genres, even yacht rock.

Jonathan Shaw: The tack Michael suggests is how a bunch of those early-1980s labels started. SST was originally a vehicle for Black Flag to put out singles in LA. Once they figured out that it was possible, they invited some friends along for the ride.

Mason Jones: Exactly — similar to Slash, Dischord, and so forth. Even Industrial Records and Mute, for that matter!

Ian Mathers: Speaking of getting in late and miss some fascinating conversation... I can give a complete novice’s perspective, at least. I was delayed partly by the problems of fitting in listens of this pretty sprawling set (or sets?), but I have been following the conversation with interest and learning a lot, and really enjoying those listens when I have been able to fit them in. I have virtually no jazz vocabulary to discuss these with; I grew up with Kind of Blue and A Love Supreme and loved the latter, and have been able to get into four Miles Davis albums so far (In a Silent Way, A Tribute to Jack Johnson, On the Corner and, uh, Dark Magus) and although I've listened here and there to plenty of things (including some free or at least freer jazz) and usually enjoyed it, for whatever reason jazz just doesn't tend to be something I put on unless I think about it. I feel like I should personally apologize to Derek here (who's writing about I've been reading and enjoying here for years!).

What this means is that while I recognize most of the names that have been mentioned in relationship to the music here, and even have enough context and/or fuzzy memories of having heard them before that the references have made contextual sense to me, when I'm walking around listening to "The Prayer" I'm mostly thinking that the part where the bass and violin are most prominent (my favourite part) makes me think of, say, Astral Weeks meets the Dirty Three. So I apologize for an fumbling and/or ignorant cross-genre comparisons I might make.

The most unexpected part of the experience for me so far is that I pretty much instantly liked the Michael Cosmic and World Experience Orchestra material, the Phill Musra Group tracks took a little longer and honestly still aren't my favourite (although I don't dislike them). I was struck by Jonathan's comment about the Musra "Arabia" being a little tougher and more dissonant, which I agree with, because both of those things would normally make it my preferred version, but in this case in addition to those qualities this shorter version just feels a little less... colorful? Listening now I'm wondering if this isn't partially the production or even room tone, but those four Michael Cosmic tracks, especially the longer first two, just feel so vibrant and communal and joyful, and the Phill Musra tracks just feel a little more... considered? formal (if that's not a totally ridiculous descriptor for any of this music)? restrained? And I think because "Arabia" is the only shared track between the two I feel the contrast a bit more there. That being said I do really like "The Creator Is So Far Out" in particular.

My favourite track here though, by far, and for some of the same reasons I know Derek wasn't necessarily a fan, is "Space on Space". I am a repetition guy and even though the actual music is vastly different some of my love for "Space on Space" comes from the same part of me that adores Oneida's "Sheets of Easter" or the loops at the end of Liars' "This Dust Makes That Mud" and Massive Attack's "Antistar" or the many 20+ minute tracks by Muslimgauze I've heard over the years. And here with "Space on Space" maybe it's the fact that there is that continuing element that allows me to more fully appreciate the parts of the band that are peeling off and doing their own thing while the looping musicians vamp in the background. It's probably the most viscerally thrilling free jazz track I've heard, although again my prior experience is minimal.

It's been a real education reading the liner notes and the discussion here about the context surrounding the brothers and their music, not least because some of that confirms the feeling I was getting from this music as soon as I played it the first time (I wanted to go in blind, just in case I wound up being overly suggestible). I definitely want to keep this stuff around, although in the future I honestly might split it into three, because the situations where I'd want to hear the Michael Cosmic material versus the more meditative Phill Musra Group versus the even more laid back World Experience Orchestra track here would probably be different.

#Michael Cosmic & Phil Musra Group #michael cosmic #phill musra group #now-again records #now-again reserve #dusted magazine #listeningpost #mason jones #michael rosenstein #derek taylor #bill meyer #jonathan shaw #ian mathers

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hutchhitched · 7 years

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The Vintage Joshifer Series: End of Love—Chapter 14

End of Love by hutchhitched

Author’s note: Thanks again to those of you who are following this story. I am very grateful for your support. Josh is a little off the rails after realizing he’s lost Jen, so he’s not the most likable in this chapter. However, he’s working through some things and will be back to the Josh we know and love soon.

Historical events in this chapter are mostly about the Doors concert that occurred in New Haven, Connecticut, in December 1967. You can find more information about it at the end of this page. The song referenced in the chapter is Back Door Man.

New Haven, Connecticut, December 1967

“Can you pass me the bud, Josh?”

Josh took a puff and turned his head slowly to the left. He inhaled leisurely and blinked as the smoke filled his lungs and his mind drifted. He saw his right hand lift and pass the joint to his companion.

What’s her name? he wondered as he surveyed her languidly. His eyes raked over her sapphire eyes and her brilliant orange-red corkscrews that tumbled over her shoulders and framed her naked breasts. She took a puff and then leaned toward him. His mouth closed over hers, and she shared her hit in a wet, smoky tongue-filled kiss. He pulled her hair gently until she groaned. He smiled lazily as she pushed him back into the pile of pillows on the bed and straddled him.

“Take me to heaven, baby,” she crooned, and he closed his eyes as she sheathed him.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t remember her name. She was one in a string of dozens since he’d left California and accepted that Jennifer had walked out on him. The redhead’s body made him salivate as she undulated over him, her back arched and her pussy clutching his erection. She cried out as she sank onto him, and he closed his eyes so he could enjoy fucking in his altered state.

Sex on weed wasn’t always good, but it was that night with the leggy, busty woman with wild auburn hair who knew no limits. Jimi Hendrix music wafted from the other room as their friends turned on and got drunk.

Josh felt himself floating to another plane, the problems and worries he’d been carrying for far too long slipping from his shoulders and leaving him drifting. He thought of his parents back in Kentucky and his brother who was in his sophomore year in college in Atlanta now. He wondered how Jackson was doing and made a promise to call him the next day. It had been far too long since he’d checked in with his friend. He assumed Andre was in the next room, but he wasn’t keeping track of who’d left and who was still imbibing. Finally, his thoughts strayed to Jen—the way she’d looked at him with her big blue eyes when she asked him what drove him and then the hurt she’d tried to hide when he’d laughed after she asked if sex was something he enjoyed.

At the moment, it was. Sex was one way he kept from going crazy without her. He had plenty of willing partners who didn’t expect anything from him but a good time, and that allowed him to keep moving, continue looking for ways to challenge the system, to forget about how hollow he felt without her.

He took another hit as the girl with the unknown name threw back her head and bounced up and down on his cock. The slant of light from the living room darkened briefly, and he watched through a fog as a topless brunette crossed the room, dropped her skirt, and joined them on the bed. Olivia was her name, he told himself, although it didn’t really matter. She watched them curiously for a few minutes and then leaned forward to take the redhead’s nipple in her mouth.

Josh grunted at the sight and bucked upward and harder into his sex partner. Almost immediately, he felt air against his dick and started to protest until he realized Olivia was exchanging places with the woman he’d been buried in just a few seconds before. She mounted him but faced backward, and he watched in wonder as his wet cock disappeared between her rounded ass cheeks. The redhead settled on her knees between his splayed legs and kissed Olivia who used her fingers to fuck the other woman.

Josh groaned deeply from within his chest and sucked in a puff that made his eyes cross and close. When he opened them again, he was greeted with a vision of the woman he missed so deeply riding him while kissing…herself, it seemed. He shook his head in confusion, but he didn’t want the image to change. He knew it wasn’t Jen, but he didn’t care. Even a vision of her connected to him was better than the real life women he’d bedded. He closed his eyes and listened to the cries and shouts of the women as they got off and clenched his teeth together in an attempt to stave off his climax. The thought of Jen driving herself to orgasm filled him with electricity.

He felt his balls grow heavy, a sure sign of his impending orgasm. He forced his eyes open and watched in wonderment as mouths clashed and feminine fingers covered in slickness slipped in and out of the redhead’s pussy. One of them squealed as she came, and Josh roared his surrender. He felt the tension flood from him as Olivia arched her back and the redhead fingered herself so she could join them.

“Jen,” he shouted as he rode out his orgasm in a weed-induced haze. He felt a pang of guilt, but it was clear the other women didn’t mind whose name he called. When it was obvious he was finished, Olivia dismounted him and the two girls fell into a tangled pile next to him on the bed. They continued to kiss and fondle each other while he watched. They rubbed and caressed using mouths and hands and tongues until they were head to feet and licking at each other’s clits. Josh rubbed himself as he watched tongues and genitals sliding and bucking together. Finally, both gasped and came in quivering, dewy spasms within seconds of each other. He rolled over into the trembling women and sighed as their velvety skin caressed his frame. His coarse chest and leg hair tickled them, and he grinned as they giggled.

“Fucking free love. God, I’m glad to be alive right now,” he grunted and kissed Olivia. He turned to the redhead and mumbled, “What’s your name, honey?”

She kissed him deeply enough that he could taste Olivia on her and then pulled back slightly to answer. “Jena,” she said simply.

He choked, shocked at the similarity of her name with the woman he couldn’t stop imagining. He wondered briefly if that’s how he’d ended up naked with her in the first place. When she swept the tip of her tongue over her lips, he pulled her in for another kiss. “That’s a beautiful name, baby. Beautiful.” She smiled and curled into him. Her tits rubbed across his chest, and she cupped his balls while Olivia closed her palm over his softened dick. He didn’t have the energy to moan in approval before he slipped back into euphoria at the hands of his companions.

****

“Josh, man, wake up.” He felt the bed jostle, and he struggled to open his eyes. He was warm and cocooned in the soft mattress, and he realized as he woke that Olivia and Jena were both still wrapped around him and each other in a post-coital nap.

“What’s going on?” he mumbled in confusion until he realized it was Andre who was trying to wake him. “What’s wrong?”

His friend winked at him and answered, “Looks like nothing’s wrong, but we’ve got an hour to get to the Doors concert you’ve been jones-ing over for the past few weeks. Free love can wait. We’ve got some music to take in.”

“Give me a minute or two, will you?” Josh asked, indicating he wanted some privacy to extricate himself from his bedmates. Andre nodded and left the room, and Josh pulled himself free of the sleeping women.

He dressed quickly and leaned down to kiss them on the cheek but stopped just shy of the bed. He didn’t feel any particular connection to either of these women. They were a nice distraction, and he appreciated the sexual revolution many of his fellow activists had embraced over the past few years, but they weren’t anyone to hold his attention for longer than a few days. There was only one woman who held that position, and he hadn’t seen her since she’d crept from his bed just as he was doing now.

He emerged from the bedroom and gave Andre a half-smile. His friend clapped him on the back and said, “Shake it off, man. You’ve got to stop thinking about her. She obviously didn’t want to be found.”

“Don’t remind me,” Josh groaned, despite the fantasy of Jen naked and fingering a mirror image of herself that floated through his mind.

“We’ve got the Doors waiting for us, dude. Forget the chick.”

“Thanks for getting the tickets, Andre, and thanks for letting me crash with you for the past couple of months. New York is another planet,” Josh admitted. “New Haven is pretty out of this world too. Can you imagine if we’d gone to Yale instead of Berkeley?”

“You never would have met your girl,” Andre teased with a wink and laughed when Josh flipped him the bird. “Also, we never would have gotten into Yale. We’re not that smart.”

“Touché, good sir. Touché.”

A few hours later, Josh and his former roommate passed a blunt back and forth and sang along to Back Door Man. The music throbbed around them and they swayed back and worth to the beat. Jim Morrison abruptly stopped singing. Then, he screamed, “The whole fucking world hates me!” Josh and Andre looked at each other in shock, unable to look away as the lead singer screamed about police officers harassing and using mace on him. He shouted slurs labeling police a “little blue man in a little blue hat” and a “little blue pig.”

The crowd surged around them and screamed their agreement. The patrons jostled and jockeyed for position, and Andre grunted when Josh rammed into his side. “Watch it,” he warned before realizing the man next to Josh shoved the shorter man. Suddenly, police entered the stage and escorted Morrison from the club.

“What the fuck just happened?” Josh wondered and shook his head. “How much of this weed did I smoke?”

“I don’t know, brother, but at least this way we’ll get back home earlier. Unless you want to go meet up with your harem again.”

“No need,” Josh grinned. “There’ll be someone else who’s willing waiting back in the City.”

“There he is. There’s that cocky big man on campus. Welcome back, stud. Missed you while you were mooning over the one who got away.”

“Shut up and drive, ’Dre. I don’t want to think about Jennifer anymore.”

****

Josh woke late the next day. He bathed and dressed before fulfilling the promise he’d made to himself the night before. As he waited for Andre to emerge from his room, he dialed the familiar phone number and pulled the cord so he could perch on the back of the sofa. He counted the rings until a deep voice greeted him.

“Hey, Pops. How are you? Is Jackson around?” Jackson’s grandfather greeted him warmly, and they chatted for a few minutes before his best friend joined him on the phone.

“It’s been five damn months, asshole. Where the hell have you been?”

Josh grinned and shot back, “Been trying to get away from your sorry ass. How’ve you been?”

“I saw Jen,” Jackson stated bluntly.

“What?! You saw her? Where? What the fu—”

“She’s living in Chicago now. She works for the Tribune as a reporter. She interviewed me for a story.” Jackson’s words hit him like a pail of ice cold water. After all this time, she was finally within his grasp again.

“When? How is she? Is she okay? Did she ask about me?” Josh couldn’t stop the questions as they tumbled from him, and he began making plans to return to Chicago as soon as possible.

“About two weeks after the last time you called. She asked about you, yes. She was wandering around in the grocery store down the street looking for someone to interview. She almost got herself killed.”

Josh cursed and closed his eyes against the image of Jen in trouble. “Holy hell, Jackson. Don’t do this to me.”

His friend chuckled and asked, “How soon are you going to be back here? I’ll ask mom to set an extra spot at the table for you.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can; a few weeks at the latest. Got to wrap a few things up and then, shit, Christmas. I promised Connor I’d come home for a few days. By the first of the year, probably. Thank you, man. I owe you big time. See you soon.”

****

Josh kept his word. He was in Chicago by the end of the month. Andre sent him on his way with best wishes and an open offer to come back any time he wanted. After four days with his family in Kentucky, Jackson and his parents welcomed Josh with open arms and a series of questions about his dad’s health and mindset along with a slew of food that made Josh salivate.

Through a mouthful of mashed potatoes, Josh suggested, “Why don’t you visit my family in Union? Dad would love to see you, Mr. Jones.”

“Ah, we’d love to, Josh, but it’s probably not the best plan for us to visit a white family in the South right now.” Josh nodded in agreement. He’d forgotten for a moment how dangerous that would be for his friend’s family. “I wish Chris could travel easier, but with his injury, I know it’s a hardship. I’m sorry he couldn’t make it to your graduation last year.”

“It’s fine. I was prepared for that to happen,” Josh waved in dismissal.

Jackson grinned at his friend and joked, “I think Josh celebrated exactly the way he wanted to with his family not there. No reason to worry about him.”

Memories of Jen and he in bed together bombarded him at Jackson’s words. The sound of her breathy moans as he pumped into her; the smell of her soft skin as he inhaled against the crook of her neck; the feel of her squeezing him in her wet heat; each of the remembrances seared his mind with a sense of desperate longing. He had to figure out how to get in touch with her. Otherwise, he was imposing himself on the Jones family when they hardly needed more strain on their resources.

After the meal, his friend and he secluded themselves in Jackson’s room so Josh could catch him up on what had happened since the last time they’d talked. First, however, Jackson wanted a word with Josh.

“You know, I didn’t expect to talk to you every day, but waiting five months to call is complete bullshit, Josh. I could have been shipped out. I could have been in Detroit. A million things could have happened to me, but you didn’t even bother to find out.”

“Come on, man,” Josh began, but Jackson stopped him.

“No,” he barked. “You’re supposed to be my best friend. You don’t get a pass because you got dumped a year ago.”

Josh clenched his fists, but he knew he’d been out of control for the past few months. He’d bounced from one bed to another, sleeping with people he barely knew in an attempt to forget the most important person in his life. He needed her, and he was ashamed that he was sitting in his best friend’s room because Jennifer was within his reach and not because he’d missed his friendship with Jackson.

“You’re right. I’ve been a shitty friend, and I’m sorry.”

Jackson’s face relaxed, and he smirked slightly before shrugging and rolling his eyes. “I’d stay mad at you, but I’m going to enjoy watching the reunion too much to be anything other than a fly on the wall. You’re going to let her have it, aren’t you?”

“Do you think I should?”

“She walked out on you without a word. After everything you’d been through together, doesn’t that rate some sort of yelling match?”

“I just missed her.”

Jackson laughed and punched Josh on the shoulder. “Time to get her back then.”

“I don’t know how to approach her, man. Do I just call up the Tribune newsroom and expect someone to patch me through? She ran out on me 18 months ago, and we haven’t talked since.” Josh felt sick to his stomach. He’d left the East Coast with only the thought of getting to Jen on his mind. He hadn’t given himself a chance to consider that she might not want to see him.

“You didn’t see her, Josh. She wants to see you. She might not admit it when you confront her, but she misses you more than she wants to admit.” Josh swallowed hard, almost too nervous to even hope Jackson was right. “Call the paper tomorrow and see what you can find out. It can’t hurt to ask.”

The next morning, Josh’s hand trembled as he twirled the dial to enter the number he found in the phone book. It took several conversations with various people, but he was finally directed to a shared phone for reporters. A harried man who sounded like he was middle-aged and much too busy to answer a phone dashed his fantasies that Jen was waiting around for him.

“Sorry, Jennifer is on vacation for the rest of the week. No idea where she is, but I’ll let her know you called. Last name?”

“Hutcherson. Josh Hutcherson.”

“Hutchinson. Got it.”

“No! Hutch-ER-son! Please tell her—” Josh cursed as the phone went dead.

How long would he have to wait for her to get the message and then to call him? That questioned plagued him as the year ended and rolled into 1968. Something told him everything was going to change, and he wasn’t sure it would be for the better.

#joshiferrecs #joshifersource #fyeah-joshifer #the vintage joshifer series #end of love #1960s #jhutchdirectory #joshifer fanfiction #joshifer

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pleasereadfully-blog · 7 years

Text

WARNING: LAWRENCE M. REINHARDT/USER “OSPRIET”

further proof the person and accounts referenced are him:

(since writing this, lawrence has since deleted his blog. either he then recreated it with the same url or someone else got to it in the interim, just know that the current holder of the url “ospriet” may not be lawrence himself. there are as many screenshots of the posts referenced as possible.)

to match the pictures above with the ORIGINAL account referenced:

http://ospriet.tumblr.com/tagged/it-me [click for image]

warning for not safe for work content with multiple topics. adults having sexual contact w/ minors, topics including incest, beastiality, rape, torture porn, abuse and other uncomfortable topics.

what’s of most concern is this man’s tendency to pursue teenage partners despite being well into his 20s and nearing his 30s. this perhaps wouldn’t be so concerning if he didn’t start his pursuits when these vulnerable (mostly trans boys, either pre-transition or as they transition it seems) teenagers who either aren’t 18 yet or are just recently 18. while not illegal, there is something very disturbing about a 28 year old man who repeatedly targets teenagers. he is not engaging in these relationships without knowing the ages or age gaps, he has admitted he knows just how old his partners are when he first starts seeking them out. these are not false allegations. there have been lengthy, emotionally devastating conversations with his past partners. he appears to use to fandom, online communities and groups, friendship, and roleplay to lure (there are other instances of similar posts throughout his blog) these teenagers in and then fosters a friendship with them that then he turns into a (sexual) relationship. there are several other links and screenshots throughout this post where he admits he enjoys age gaps as well.

(for those who do not know what some of these terms mean: roleplay is where two or more person’s write from the view point of certain characters from different mediums. it can vary from safe for work content or sexually explicit content.

“fandom” refers to collective fans of different medium, shows, games, books etc.)

it seems the fandoms in particular are snk, homestuck, the mcelroys brother’s content and dragon age. the first two seem as though he’s not into them anymore, but they’re worth noting. also vulture culture, norse mythology, werewolves and witchcraft but those two aren’t fandom just communities more or less.

he also appears to use okcupid, tinder and other date applications and websites to find people who meet his marks so be aware if you use such things or know people who do.

any adult man who has repeatedly displayed this behavior around teenagers should not be tolerated or excused for these actions. i would have liked to not put words in the reader’s mouth but repeated offenses like this have only one word: predatory. he should not be fostering friendships with teenagers, particularly ones who are minors. he should not be allowing minors to follow his blog. he should not be talking with them in private through skype or text or email or any other venue. he has reblogged provocative illustrated art of minors before which is disturbing given his inclinations. yes to be just, there are only two instances but they are there. there are images below which contain beastiality and as confirmed by others, he is sexually interested in scenarios involving animals beyond fiction and should not be around those either to be frank. even if you would like to wish that purely fictional interests don’t necessarily translate into real life pursuits, he has already demonstrated he’s willing to sexually and coercively pursue minors. the at the time 17 year old he dated still bears deep and lasting psychological scars from their “relationship” with him.

be aware that much of this is just the things we know of now that were made public through his blog.

the following information has been either found on his blog or generously supplied by individuals seeking to do right by the community.

his name is lawrence m. reinhardt [image], his nickname is wren, he’s currently 28 years old [image], lives in milford connecticut [image], works at jones family farm [image] and utilizes this tattoo parlor [image]. previously he was employed at uniqlo. [image]

this is his etsy shop [image] , his facebook account [link] his skype account [image] as well.

this an avatar he frequently uses. formally made by a previous girlfriend. [image]

his home address was left out of this write up as it wouldn’t be fair to involve his family since he still lives at home with them.

do not agree with some of the previous methods used to address these matters nor do i enjoy sharing the information above but i think it is important given his history that people know just who he is and where he can be found.

i sincerely hope that the information below gives anyone pause before they continue interacting with and supporting lawrence. these are not matters that could or should be waved away or excused with “but his current boyfriend is 18/over 18.” this isn’t a one off event or cause of concern and trying to excuse his behavior makes the excuser just as much to blame for his actions.

his lines clearly are crossed between reality and fiction and his fictional pursuits clearly have already endangered vulnerable youth and left unchecked, he stands to harm future youth as well.

please keep in mind there is much that has not been shared at the request of those he’s interacted with in the past. please keep reading for specific documentations of the above matters.

there is a good thing to read on the matter of age gaps themselves located here for those willing.

as well as this post as well as other posts on the blog pertaining to age gaps.

===

he says he’s only interest in a 5 year or so difference but repeatedly targets teenagers out of his age range to pursue.

[click for image]

all of his relationships save for one that’s been found have been 8 or more years with largest gap being 9 years. this is a dangerous pattern.

from the oldest relationship located to the most recent:

in 2013, dated http://barackohana.tumblr.com/unknown age unknown and this is the only mention of them. mentioned only to establish the timeline. http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/41822601413/barackohana-im-gonna-meet-my-bf-face-to-face-on [click for link to image]

then dated http://dysfunctionaldraught.tumblr.com for several months. currently 22, so they were 17/18 at the start of their relationship and interactions. [click for image] [click for image]

====

[NAME REDACTED IN THESE POSTS this individual was a minor for this ‘friendship’ into ‘relationship’ and has been contacted about this relationship. talking about lawrence and this ‘relationship’ was very uncomfortable for them and they prefer to keep as much distance as possible and we’ve done our best to honor that request.] keep in mind, ospriet/lawrence was 25 for this relationship, he acknowledges his age here: http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/84571471106/sometimes-i-forget-im-in-my-mid-twenties-l-m-f-a [click for link to image]

”i was 17 when i met him and he was 25 (i’m 21 now) and [redacted …]” [click for link if image won’t show]

was 17 when they started talking. (old links & their old account berik http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/93897778121/beriks-im-twelve-look-at-this-little-shit [click for link to image]

being 17 at the start, they were in highschool. http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/88865162886/beriks-time-to-graduate-nerds-congratulations [click for link to image] ospriet.tumblr.com/post/85847849581/ [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/85180268721/92936-pm-chief-i-a-cute-southern [click for link to image]

sexual content: http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/91473197761/stayed-up-waaay-too-late-foolin-around-with-the http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/87159731326/this-just-in-my-boyfriend-has-the-cutest-undies [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/88177729331/more-i-think-thats-partly-why-i-freakin [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/86710997056/you-know-what-sucks-more-going-almost-an [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/87947493101/more-you-know-what-sucks-going-through-a [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/101713543141/more-i-say-i-dont-chase-but-i-do-i-did when they had broken up, references ‘chasing’ people and the fact that this person was a child at the time something he himself points out. [click for link to image]

other bits of conversation with this person: [chat part 1.] [chat part 2.] the parts that are redacted are for this person’s comfort, they felt those parts were too identifying. [chat part 3.] contains more (see below under cl2y) about his habit of telling stories about all of his exes, none of which are kind and all paint him in a better light. it’s one of the classic moves of an abuser. the red edits are from them themself, the edits do not change the context and also fix some grammatical errors.

of note, after this person broke things off with lawrence, he went on to reblog this post [link to image] despite asking for and engaging in sexual content with a known minor willingly.

====

http://coyoteas.tumblr.com/ [click for link to image] - was 18/19 when they started dating. was 18 when they first started talking. http://ospriet.tumblr.com/archive/2014/9 http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/101642762146/coyoteas-replied-to-your-postthat-feel-when-you [click for link to image] rp might be one of the ways he lures people in. [definitely uses sex appeal - click for screenshot] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/103246409901/if-you-cant-appreciate-hella-cute-boys-with [click for link to image] chat with coyoteas. [click for link to image] this was all he was willing to share in regards to lawrence’s behavior.

====

http://kitchnboy.tumblr.com/ / localchef.tumblr.com (previous url) / http://unchefly.tumblr.com (previous url) was 18 when they started dating, was 18 when they started talking based on timing. [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/120590264641/also-im-not-single-anymore [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/129047704191/pretty-sure-my-boyfriend-fell-asleep-cuddling-an [click for link to image] references his boyfriend’s underage drinking.

===

he was briefly seeing a few people between the person below and kitchnboy but there is not enough information his blog to find out who they were and ask them if they’d be willing to speak about their experiences with him or their ages for that matter… see the chat logs below generously given for this from cl2y.

====

name redacted upon request. this partner was very uncomfortable talking about him so we’ve kept it to just what was said on his blog and the fact that they are in fact in their 20s, closer to his age than his previous partners which, if we can speculate might be why he lost interest relatively quickly. [click for link to image] [click for link to image] [click for link to image]

=====

as for lawrence’s most recent ex, they’ve asked to also be redacted from this file. - is currently 19, supposedly they’ve been talking since he was at least 18 ish while lawrence was dating another partner. he was described as one former partner as a ‘serial monogamist’ and it does appear that he rapidly lines up and cycles through partners. [click for an old image] link redacted for as much privacy as possible [click for link to image] age proof http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/160663250106/the-gays [click for link to image] they have definitely met irl. http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/160694921851/you-know-youre-screwed-when-your-bed-still-smells [click for link to image] proof of sexual contact. where ospriet and others go on to defend his choices in dating teenagers: ospriet.tumblr.com/post/161463971591/just-so-were-clear-i-have-a-boyfriend-my [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/161480963336/now-that-im-home-for-the-evening-i-will-explain [click for link to image]

======

other inappropriate age wise ‘friendships’ that were found: http://puppy-eater.tumblr.com/ http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/97018639641/puppy-eater-replied-to-your-post-mor-i-used-to had been speaking to lawrence before this point, so was in highschool. between 17-18. http://native-trickster.tumblr.com/ [click for image] was 17 when they first began interacting on tumblr, is now 18.

=====

general others:

http://tricksterkind.tumblr.com/about - age unknown but they might have been almost dating at one point.

user cl2y was exceptionally generous and brave to not only share the following logs but to allow us to keep their name attached to all this. the following are both logs from skype with him as well as a tumblr chat they had with someone else concerning what he said. cl2y and lawrence had been talking in the summer of 2016, when these screenshots had come from.

[tumblr log 1.] [skype log part 1.] his age. [skype log part 2.] this seems to be one of the people he was seeing after kitchnboy. [skype log part 3.] on his other exes. [skype log part 4.] not really proof of anything, but can’t distinguish between reality and fiction and lets that fiction influence his reality. the folowing contain noncon or torture porn references in rp scenarios that cl2y was not comfortable with but he couldn’t take a hint. [skype log part 5.] [skype log part 6.] [skype log part 7.] [skype log part 8.]

of note as well, he made this post 3 years back looking down upon scenarios he himself asked for. [click for link] also note the fact he is unconcerned with minors engaging in sexual scenarios. in the following link from 3 years ago, he berates fictional portrayal of noncon including using it to cope despite soliciting such content against the wishes of one of his then roleplay partners (cl2y). [click for image]

this was also around the time he was “dating” and engaging a minor in sexual scenarios so he is certainly not really concerned with the legality of the issues he’s talking about.

it’s believed he uses roleplay to find new targets. [click for image]

========

underage art reblogged: http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/87417886561/irisviel-yukinashin-%E6%B4%97%E6%B4%97%E7%90%83%E6%B4%97%E7%90%83%E7%90%83 levi and eren (13-16 years old) from snk [click for link to image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/90305481776/erueres-%E3%83%89%E3%83%AA%E3%83%BC eren (13-16 years old) and erwin from snk [click for link to image] [click for image] - more incestual content, from homestuck this time. the characters pictured are related as well as 13-16 years old.

========

nsfw content warning http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/151957572816/inkeyeliner-had-a-freaking-blast-at [click for image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/160297190971/sometimessmuthappens-oh-gosh-%CF%89-%E3%82%9E-i [click for image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/155717961546/sometimessmuthappens-uhhhhhh-ooops-not-sure-if [click for image] borderline beastiality. http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/114134431481/i-long-to-talk-with-some-old-lovers-ghost-who if not actual. [click for image]

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borderline fetishistic interest in other cultures, particularly japanese (reblogs a ton of japanese art/uses japanese phrasing/kanji/acquired a job at a japanese clothing store) or other asian cultures. please look through his archives, there are too many posts to include. [click for link] also says things like http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/92592080111/oh-my-god-i-dont-have-yellow-fever-i-swear-ive not this is involving the 17 year old he was dating. [click for image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/84559811006/when-i-turn-30something-i-hope-i-look-half-as-good [click for image] also roleplayed real people (http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/90308357146/blauh-blah-more-when-i-came-home-from-the [click for image] also native american cultures. has plenty of reblogs in history.

other posts of interest http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/70938323641/sigh-pretty-girls-in-lolita-dresses-and-frills [click for image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/54425446342/am-i-the-only-dude-who-ships-roxy-and-dirk-le into incest. [click for image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/159349377356/cats-paw-talisman-for-safe-travels has a real cats paw.. who knows from where. [click for image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/155183650071/shit might be his car. [click for image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/114184533256/what-sort-of-animal-could-be-my-spirit-animal involved in ‘spirit animals’ even though that is not his place as a non-native american. [click for image] http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/101732442131/i-need-something-cute-to-bed-stat lends itself to the whole theory he targets and dates people for relative easy access for sexual content/sex. teenagers are slightly easier marks than people his own age. [click for image]

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these posts are simply ironic given his history with minors and teenagers. http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/154185782796/being-an-adult-is-hardmore-being-an-adult [click for image]

http://ospriet.tumblr.com/post/139206250666/ngl-im-a-little-bummed-i-wontcant-attend [click for image]

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i’m well aware there are many who will feel strongly about how this is being handled but this isn’t gossiping or rumor-milling. there’s ample evidence here that points to his attentions to minors/teenagers. and no, no one involved in the marking of this post (apart from the exes or ex-roleplay partners who responded) was personally affected. one of us got a message about this man and decided to look into it because you can’t go and believe general “slanderous” statements about people, especially from completely anonymous parties. imagine the shock when it was discovered that the message received wasn’t based in lies and that it wasn’t a “typical tumblr callout” post.

#vulture culture #witchcraft #dragon age #werewolf #norse paganism #norse mythology #homestuck #mcelroys #mbmbam #da2 #cryptids #asatru #freyr #nature #dai #wolf #taxidermy #dave strider #taz

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