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bellswlw · 11 months

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˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ all the lights (in new york city aren’t as bright as her) pt 1 ⇨ e. williams au

ellie williams x fem!love interest

wc: 9.2k

playlist | masterlist

summary: ellie is known for being non-committed, having a scruffy laugh, her favorite coffee shop, and a reputation when it came to her tattooing abilities and her passion for it. she wasn’t known for love. and she certainly wasn’t the first person you’d think of when it came to finding someone that put all of those things above all else. even herself. but… she was just that.

cw: these are overall themes for the series as a whole. grief, depression, angst, alcoholism, small age gap, -underage- drinking (wine) and drug use (weed), neighbor!ellie, complicated family dynamics, tattoo artist!ellie, written in third POV and love interest is given a name.

a/n: this is for all the hopeless romantics and loser lesbians. the big city lovers and small town fanatics, the ones who look at the midnight sky, the ones who can’t sleep, and the ones who don’t talk about the things that hurt. i see you, and the moon and the butterflies love you.<3

Ellie had never been big on romance; movies, TV shows, and especially dating. She never saw the need for it, and she never really saw the appeal.

She could never picture herself meeting someone just by chance, or some unconventional and hyper-specific reason just for them to end up being the love of her life for a few months and end with an inevitable heartbreak… yeah, no. That wasn’t worth it to her.

Although her friends seemed to have found people in the big apple, Ellie was still the same as she was. Herself.

And that meant being by herself. If not working or hooking up in someone’s apartment or loft or even up in the bathroom of some party, she’s preferably at home lounging about or drawing up sketches on her iPad.

She got around, yes, but she wasn’t a dick about it. She didn’t count on her fingers or keep a list of names somewhere. She just grew an understanding for when someone was giving her flirty eyes from across the room… and had looked up into the same ones that were rolling back while her tongue was grazing that sweet spot of a girl she didn’t even know the same of.

Or in an empty apartment with a roommate ‘out of town’, holding onto the hips of another girl, grinding her against Ellie’s jean-covered thigh.

These encounters were simple. Do-able. Relaxed. Ellie liked that, she’d admit it. Shit, she has.

“So… when can I meet her?” Dina beams from across the table, leaning forward to grab her glass and hold it in her hand, waiting to take a sip until she replies.

Ellie took a swig of her coffee and glared at Dina. “No— Dina, no. You do this every time. You get more attached than I do, and then you bitch at me when I tell you… you can’t meet her. ‘Cuz I’m not seeing her anymore… by the way.”

Her glass meets the table with a low thud, turning the heads of a few other people who were sitting in the outside section of the coffee shop along side the two of them. “What? Why.” the way she said it had an insult attached. Almost to say, are you fucking nuts?

“B’cus. She’s… because I said so. And she wants more than I can give her anyway so…” and she leans forward to lift her cup off the table again just as she feels Dina’s glare marinate in the corner of her eyes, making her flare up with a silent embarrassment.

“I’m not doing this with you. Stop asking to meet my one night stands. ‘Kay?” and Ellie takes a sip of her coffee, the dark rich flavor burning into her tongue like a hot knife.

Dina leans back in her chair, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly. “I just think it’s weird. They all like you. Why can’t you just try?” and she sounded a little more genuine this time, her brows knitted together as she tried to find the soft spot in Ellie’s eyes.

But of course it wasn’t there. Of course it wasn’t. They’d been hard for years, a rock coating over the emerald green like there had never been an ounce of fondness at all.

“Why try ‘n fix somethin’ if it’s not broken?” And she let the smirk find its way into the divots of her face and soon started relaxing in her chair, fanning her legs like Dina’s words hadn’t nipped a part of her that she wish they didn’t.

“Whatever.” Dina sighed as she rolled her eyes before her phone lit up with a notification, from Alex.

You guys still out?

“It’s Alex.” she says, lifting her phone from its place on the metal table top.

“Figures. Can’t go two seconds without him on your ass.”

That deserved the scoff she gave you. Ellie was being a dick. Her feelings were hurt. But of course, she’d never admit that.

“He wants to know if we’re still out.” she says into her phone, her fingers flying across the keyboard in response.

Yeah, what’s up? We’re at 787.

“Tell him we’re shopping or… I dunno, fucking.” and she laughed, amused with herself of course. She took another sip of her coffee before saying, “Bet he’d get a kick outta that.”

“Dick.” she murmured, and didn’t even look up from her phone.

Ellie just chuckled to herself. She knew it embarrassed Dina, becoming friends with the girl she had a crush on for months and after hooking up at a party… decided she liked her better as a friend. And Ellie liked Dina, and the mouth she had on her.

Muttering under her breath a thousand little “fuck”s while she helped Ellie move her couch up four flights of stairs… or after the job interview she had been stressing over for weeks and had cussed herself home six long blocks… or the time she had gotten so drunk that she accidentally slammed her hand in the door and was screaming strings of curse words while Ellie made her run it under cold water for what felt like 2 hours.

And the whole time… “Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck…”

Just wondering. You wanna come by later tho? Maybe we can talk??

“He said he wants to talk, again. Look.”

Dina is handing her phone over to Ellie as she reads the message, her face forming an unforgiving sneer.

“Tell him to fuck off.” Ellie glances up at her before her brows fly upward with inspiration. “No, actually— I’ll do it.” and her fingers begin to type the message out moments before Dina stands from the her chair to snatch her phone back from her.

“You’re pissing me off,” she admits, typing a reply while reading it back to Ellie.

Can’t. We’re shopping. Soon tho, promise;)

“Winky face?” she said, the look on her face a punch to the gut to Dina’s continuing embarrassment.

“Hey… don’t judge. You should be lucky we’re not actually going shopping.” Dina said with a finger pointing towards Ellie’s chest.

“Awe, we’re not? I thought you were gonna buy me that pink little thong? With the lace?”

“You’re delusional.”

“I’m funny.”

“How about… crazy.”

“Witty?”

“Try on my last fucking nerve.”

Dina pushed herself up off the chair across from her, grabbing her things and expecting Ellie to follow suit… but she stayed put.

“C’mon.” she said and jerked her head back just enough to motion for Ellie to stand up along side her.

“I’m good here.” she said casually, resting her arms on the chair, even leaning on the back two legs with a smirk plastered on her face.

God, did she love to fuck with her. It was so easy.

“You’re infuriating, y’know that?” Dina stood there for a moment longer, betting how long she was willing to keep this up before she scoffed and threw up a hand. “Motherfuckin’ asshole,” and walked off with the sound of Ellie lowly snickering to herself ringing in her ears.

She texted her a few hours later, and for a second time that day, Ellie’s face had immediately scrunched at the sight of her and Alex’s messages.

Why can’t you just come over for like a few, just to talk

I’m really busy rn, we can soon tho

When is soon???

Hello?

Dina??

Yeah, I’m here. Idk. My schedule is a lot rn with work. we’ll talk. I’ll text you, okay?

Ellie read the message that Dina sent after the screenshot, firing back instantly.

Idk what to do

Tell him to FUCK. OFF.

But he’s really nice

bro

You literally went on like one date w him and he called you his girlfriend… and made you meet his parents at 7am on a Friday.. HE IS WEIRDDD

Idk

I should talk to him

Dina. U know he doesn’t just wanna talk. c’mon

Ellie’s phone goes stagnant for a new minutes, and she continues scrolling on her phone from the privacy of her apartment and the busted up couch she fell asleep on far too often.

Then another string of messages came in.

Seriously

Help

He’s coming ovsr

Over*

ELLIE

FUCK

Dude I can’t help you

You’re a lost cause

Wear protection or something Lol

Fuck u

Yeah I’d want to if he was the other option too

Sick burn

Yeah yeah I’m sure u will, don’t forget to pick up some Monistat LMAO

She chuckles to herself before there’s a slice of complete silence inside the walls of Ellie’s apartment, bring her back to reality when she finally tosses her phone aside next to her on the couch and slugging herself up and toward the kitchen.

Ellie had never been much of a cook. But then again, she’d never been much of anything, other than an artist. She didn’t like calling herself that though. She thought it was a little tacky and cliché. Artíst. Such bullshit.

But it was who she was. And artist, drawer, sketcher, painter… whatever, it’s all the same. Anyone who can see an idea in their mind and let it leave through the work of their hands is an artist by default.

That’s what landed her the job she has now, tattooing at a shop a few blocks over called InK & Sink.

It’s exactly what it sounds like. Kind of. It’s a place where a group of really high tattoo artists decided to open up a place that was the first tattoo and edible shop all in one place.

The edible shop is on the ground floor, mostly covered in neon signs and a cheesy bakery case near the front with a cash register. Tattooing was down a flight of stairs toward the back, in a renovated basement with the main wall painted a burnt-orange and full of a majority of previous tattoo stencils. And it was all run by a man called Drot. He has what’s left of a Romanian accent, ink covering his head to toe and a love for baking. (And a borderline criminal amount of stand mixers.)

Ellie absolutely loved her job. She loved everything about it. And she meant everything. It made her chest puff up with pride anytime someone came in specifically to get tattoo’d by her. Her work. They loved her work. They saw it online and needed to have it.

She loved talking to customers, and seeing the first timers (regardless of age) relax into her chair for sometimes hours at a time while she listened to their life stories. Knowing people. Learning about so many people. It fascinated her. It made her feel less alone, which she hated to think about, but loved to pretend it was normal to feel the way she did.

She sometimes wished she could record their conversations so she could one day playback all of them and keep them all for herself. The small group of people that she had this connection with, forever. But she obviously knew that was creepy. And weird… and a little stalkerish. But the sentiment was nice.

The pay was good too. She also loved that. And the fact that she had most holidays off. Drot didn’t like being open when it was any time the snow was past the welcome mat either, and he certainly didn’t enjoy the 45 minute drive every morning —especially if there was rain— from the shop to his house.

He was protective of his building, and his customers, and his staff. He loved them like his goddamn family. And as far as he was concerned, they were. His accent wasn’t only, but it was his past too. It was something that he didn’t talk about much, but the ink on his arms told that story well enough.

His parents came to the US from Romania, he was six. And he lived in Utah most of his life, up until high school when he went to Texas for college and stayed until his mid twenties. He met Mia here in New York within the first week… and now they have two kids, close to Ellie’s age.

Or so she guesses, he has their names on the back of his ankles with what Ellie can only assume is their birthdays just below them. She’s only ever seen it once, and has never met either of them. They don’t come around much.

She’s brought back into her kitchen now, the cold buzzing of her fridge sending a chill through her fingers as she pursed her lips together and slowly tapped lazily on the door, trying to decide what to eat.

She needed to go grocery shopping, badly. Her fridge was bare excluding some blueberries that rotted away in the corner, a tower full of sauces, old take out, and a pack of pudding she hadn’t opened yet.

She decided this was her dinner. Four chocolate pudding cups.

Ellie sighed, reaching forward into the cold box and pulling them back with an even heavier sigh. They’d expired. How that is? She had no idea. Seeing as they typically lasted over a year without going bad.

“Shit.” she said to herself, for some reason started looking around the room for something to eat… as if there would be a fully prepared dish hiding itself under all of her unopened mail.

Fuck, she did not want to leave right now. She wanted to stay in, to people watch from her window and then shower and go to bed. She did not want to go ou—

She went out. And she hated every minute of it. From her favorite corner store being closed, to some asshole not knowing how to drive and almost reversed into her… she hated all of it.

But it didn’t stop her from popping into the liquor store on the way back for some beer.

The bell rang above her head, the familiar ring to her reddened ears making her sigh. She didn’t want to let something so small bug her, but her patience was limited on an empty stomach. Probably why she was always fighting to urge to put someone in their place at any given time. Nerves running on nerves. Bone on bone.

“Welcome in,” the cashier said from behind the counter, finishing up checking out a group of kids half her age. Candy and soda and a bunch of other things trickled down into five different transactions. Counting pennie’s and dimes until they could cover it all.

Ellie took a breath in before making her way towards the back of the store, pulling the door open with a shaking hungry hand and grabbing the first 6-pack she saw. Her greedy fingers were wrapped around the cardboard carrier, and soon she was scanning the aisles for something to line her stomach for the night.

She landed on a Heath bar, some Pringles and a Cup-O-noodle. She also grabbed a bag of Skittles at checkout.

“You wanna bag?”

Ellie pulled her wallet from her back pocket and nodded, fishing out a twenty dollar bill as the cashier put her snacks and her form of a sleeping aid in the plastic bag.

She was soon rattling off a “Thank you.” as she stuffed her change into her front pocket and grabbed her things before nudging the door open with her elbow.

It didn’t take her long to crack open the shiny new 6-pack. At the next busied corner, she unclipped her carabiner from her belt loop and took her guitar shaped bottle opener and rather forcefully opened up her drink with a familiar and comforting hiss.

Pulling the glass bottle from its home, she put it to her lips and let it simmer down her throat.

Ellie drank beer, yes. She liked what she liked. She liked not only how it made her feel, but look. She thought it made her seem like the coolest person in the room sometimes. (she’d never admit that of course—although the smirk on her face nearly gave her away every time—) Plus, she wouldn’t be caught dead with a glass of wine in her hand if she could help it.

She hasn’t been drinking for very long (legally that is) and even before then, beer was always her go-to. And most available. It was light enough to make her feel buzzed and a little horny, but if she had a few more after that buzz… she nearly became unbearable.

She could still remember the good parts of the night, and block out the parts where she collapses to the ground with tears pooling in her eyes and curses under her breath until she’s crying so hard that the bottle in her hand fuzzes itself out of her grip with a loud, rippling crash as it hits the ground.

Ellie.

Beer.

They mixed; sometimes.

Tonight, it was the buzz of two to three beers. Her mouth was on the bottle until she stopped dead in her tracks to see a giant ass bed frame tilted halfway into the open door of the apartment diagonal from Ellie’s.

She scoffed under her breath, a low “Fuck,” falling from her lips as she stashed her drink in her bag and dragged her feet down the hall.

Who the fuck was moving in at… Jesus, it was only 7. She was a third of the way to a black out at 7pm on a Thursday, great.

“You have to move it, no— fuck! Seriously?” and that’s when Ellie had actually noticed him, coming out from behind the other side of the frame, throwing his arms up and yelling into the door.

“You have to move it! Don’t just stand there… Jesus Christ,” and Ellie pulls her brows together at the sound of his voice, all the alcohol pouring out of her and into the palms of her hands that had suddenly gone clammy.

She hears someone else, a softer voice compared to the scruffy shouts she had to ring out from her head. She seems upset. And rightfully so. This guy was being a dick.

“Can you just— for fucks sake, I’m trying!” and Ellie then see’s the bed frame shake back and forth with the emphasis of her words. It sent a shock of adrenaline through Ellie for some reason, and it made her spiral with a multitude of thoughts.

This must be her boyfriend, asshole. She should break up with him. Wonder if she likes girls. Wonder if she like’s mascs. Is she even gay? Bet she’s hot, her voice sounds kind of familiar, shit hopefully not… that’d be so awkward. What if it’s not? What if she—

“Dorin, can you fucking stop?! You’re gonna break it!” and she hears that same voice, and for some reason she tries to place it, slipping into the frames of faces she knows. She fails, but god, it was so distinct. So… familiar. She could’ve sworn she’d heard it before.

She was soon drawn from her endless daydream when he—Dorin, she could only guess— looked up at her, finally ceasing to take his hands from the metal and notice her standing there.

Ellie stood frozen in the hall, her eyes slightly widening when she realizes that he can see her, too.

“Sorry,” she spurts, remembering that her legs actually worked and used them to take a tentative step forward.

“‘t’s fine.” and he looks back into the door before taking a step back. He’s glaring inside the apartment, almost as if to say that it wasn’t actually fine at all.

But Ellie couldn’t move. She was afraid to take another step. She didn’t want to have to potentially face one of her hook ups… not if she could help it.

She couldn’t really walk anyways, because the frame was jutting out so far that it had blocked her path just enough to cut off access to her door. “Um, my door… it’s ah, the…” and she motioned her hand forward, god she was so fucking flustered.

He sighed, not even trying to hide his ire from her. “She can’t get by. We’re gonna have to fucking take it apart or something.” and he was leaning against it now.

The sight was an odd one, Ellie watching her new neighbor at a stand still with a gray metal bed frame and talk into his apartment. Even if she weren’t a little drunk, she’d be just as confused.

“I don’t have the directions! I thought you said it’d fit!” and Ellie could see the hazy vision of her set up, just getting ready for a tattoo. She remembered pulling apart paper towels, setting them down with the black haze of her gloves…

And she heard the murmur of her voice —or, someone’s— from what felt like a million miles away. She couldn’t fucking zero in on it. She needed to. She needed to know.

Without thinking, Ellie chirped up, walking a few more steps to see into the living room with boxes hoarding its corners. She couldn’t see her. “Might need to ditch it. These doors suck. ‘t’s gonna shred it.” and she looked to Dorin, trying to gage if he believed her.

She didn’t care honestly, she was fucking starving and needed to get inside her apartment and piece together this nightmare of a voice.

He pauses, looks back through the door and then back to Ellie. “…She’s right. Let’s just toss it. I’m too fucking tired for this right now.” and she can tell when he says it that she’s upset, but eventually she agrees.

And that’s how Ellie ended up tossing that stupid fucking bed frame down those same four flights of stairs until it was a sad pile of metal sitting on the curb.

Dorin had nearly demanded she stay upstairs, saying he didn’t need help, but Ellie wasn’t an asshole. He clearly needed help. In all honestly, she wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t know his left from right.

Okay, maybe she was kind of as asshole. Regardless, she wasn’t the type who just stood by and watched someone struggle to get their footing right when trying to throw a bed frame over the banister of the fourth floor.

Ellie had set down her bag by now, and stepped up to give him a hand. Which ultimately resulted in helping him carry it all the way back down and place what was left of it on the curb for someone to take.

“Thanks,” he said, wiping the palms of his hands on his jeans before reaching out to greet Ellie. “I’m Dorin.”

She glanced down at it before shaking it firmly. He wasn’t expecting, obviously. They never do. “Ellie.” was all she said.

When she climbed the stairs for a third time that day, Ellie had hoped she was standing outside the door or at the least, leaning against it frame before ducking behind a corner like a timid cat.

She wasn’t, of course. The door was closed shut for the night.

Probably for the best. Ellie didn’t want to be up late drawing sketches of her all night, she had work tomorrow. She was opening.

She had actually enjoyed the earlier shifts. Her body was still waking her as soon as the sun had risen, and not to mention… it had helped keep her schedule clear for the afternoons and evenings.

Although, it had been about a week or two since her last… escapade. She hadn’t really known why, but there was a flicker in her sex life that she had a hard time ignoring. Something had threatened to put it out.

She didn’t want to think about that right now. She just wanted to get inside her apartment and let what just happened roll of her shoulders with the help of what was inside her bag.

Ellie eventually trudged down the hall toward her door, unlocking it with a heavy sigh after failing the first two times. “God, dammit.” she swore under her breath before Dorin had come up after her and disappear behind his own door.

She pushed the door open, finally slipping inside. She was so tired all of this sudden. And her body had ached with something so deep that she actually lifted her shirt to feel around her ribs for a mark. There wasn’t one, but she felt it so much that she winced inside every time she took a step around her tiny kitchen.

In the matter of about ten minutes, Ellie was sitting in front of her TV with a styrofoam cup of ramen that had been devoured almost instantly along with an empty candy bar wrapper and an open can of Pringles, leaving her to lay down on her couch with an arm hanging off as she felt herself falling into a light sleep.

A few hours later, after her body had decided to fall deeper into the couch, she jerked herself awake with the sound of her phone pinging her back to the shrilling silence of her apartment. Followed by a starch in the air that was so thick, it had expressed a single dry cough from her.

“Shit,” she murmured, rubbing a hand over the side of her face and the deep marks that had left their presence with a red hue.

She looked down at the screen, reading the time. It was past nine.

I think I just met the love of my life.

He fucking held the door out for me when I was leaving Alex’s building and did that thing you know where they look u up and down

Holy shit fuck oh my god

Ellie blinked before replying, squinting when her fingers flew across the screen to message back.

Oh yeah? Should I order my tux? Do you need a flower girl???

No bc maybe

He didn’t even say anything to me but like in a hot way

Right…

Fuck off

He was hot

I hope he lives in the building maybe i’ll have to see Alex more til i figure out where he lives

Dina that’s fucking insane. How’d that go btw?

I assume he isn’t invited to the wedding??

Jesus, no

I’ll tell u tmrw, what time do you work?

Ellie rattles off her schedule to Dina for rest of the week and the following: four morning shifts and a closing.

She enjoyed working. Probably a little bit too much. But it was a good, stable job for her after all. And plus, it kept her mind busy; which was most important.

Dina replied a minute later with K sounds good before turning her phone on Do not Disturb, the notification popping up at the bottom of Ellie’s screen.

She eventually stands, her jeans suddenly feeling too tight on her legs as she made her way toward the bathroom to lazily peel them from her just before turning the shower on.

Ellie had hated nights like this. The ones that never seemed to end… no matter how hard she tried. Especially when she was fighting remembering. She wanted to forget. She so desperately wanted to forget and let it slip through the cracks of her brain down the shower drain.

But it wouldn’t, of course it wouldn’t. It was far too thick. Like a sludge that has coated the entirety of her before hardening around the biggest parts, cracking and blistering her skin like porcelain.

That’s what she was after all, something so fragile on the inside with a hard shell. And all it would take was some rain to wash it all away, leaving her exposed.

She rattled inside with every step she took, fear seeping through the bottoms of her shoes as if she were walking on eggshells. But can two of the same thing really break each other?

In the dead of night, after her hair had partially dried—or begin to sweat— she was gasping against the still air of her bedroom, shooting up from her position to let in small hiccups that somewhat resembled a single breath. Inout inout inout.

Her eyes were wide open, scanning for her darkened surroundings. Feeling around her bed for the blanket that had once covered her, her books on her nightstand, the sleeping pills she never took. And her journal. She felt for her journal and the old cover that was familiar enough to make her feel as though she was thumbing a baby blanket.

You’re home. You’re safe. You’re safe. 1, 2, 3, 4. 1234. 1234. 1. 2. 3. 4.

Her dreams had begun eating her in her sleep again. Always the same one. And always so fucking real.

The next breathe she takes is deeper. Shaky, but long enough to make her rest her elbows on her spread out thighs and pinch the bridge of her nose with one hand. She lets it out, the shaky rattle nearly making her whistle.

She tries to forget. She wants to forget. To um-burn this memory from her brain and fill it with the memories that she is trying so hard to hold onto. The ones she keeps between the pages of her journal, the ones that are marked in ink as to never be erased or wiped clean.

She wants these memories inside her head. To jam pack with good and rid of the bad. Get rid of this stupid fucking nightmare that makes her cry before she even realizes she’s awake.

Ellie tells herself it’s only that. “It’s only a nightmare.” But it wasn’t. Before, it was a memory. Something that has stamped her red anger and blue with sadness to mend a broken purple that no one ever sees.

Her breathing begins to slow, and the loud drum of her heartbeat floods out when she looks out her window to catch a glimpse of the sky.

It always felt so big— so… targeted. But yet she always found herself in this moment with the moon. Watching over her as she tried to sooth herself back to sleep.

She does, (eventually) and soon enough the ringing in her ears fades, leaving her to only hear the sound her shaky ribs are making, listening just close enough to hear them rattle from deep within her chest.

Ellie’s hand reaches out from underneath her covers one last time, making sure she could feel the familiar cracked up material of her book. She fell back asleep just a few moments later.

As soon as the moon says goodnight and the Sun begins to wake, as does Ellie. The blinding curl of its brightness makes her squint and throw a hang over her face, smudging her hair to cover her eyes too.

Ellie sighs, letting the sound relish for a minute before throwing her legs over the side of her unmade bed and look for some clean clothes. God, did she seriously need to get her shit together.

She should be more prepared honestly. Having the seasons changed had usually helped, but now it… it had felt different.

Like the sludge wasn’t just just coating over her, but eating her. Letting itself inside to soak through the cracks of her skin as if she was already dead, forming roots from her brittle bones as the earth enveloped her in and drained every last ounce of herself that was left to her name.

Soon enough she finds some pants to wear, a ripped pair of black jeans, torn at the knee. Ellie wasn’t much of a shopper, she rarely bought clothes until they shredded themselves from her body. And because she knew that, she kept her closet filled with identical replicas. Mostly black, but there were a few nice shirts she wore and even a pair of dress shoes.

She never wore those though. She never had anywhere nice to go… still, she had them; just in case.

And as she pulled the jeans over her lose boxers, Ellie had heard the low murmurs of that same voice, and she thought maybe she was dreaming.

But no. She had heard it right. The muffled sound becoming less as she opened her bedroom door to hear her through the thin material of her apartment wall, followed by the striking sound of what Ellie could only guess was her banging —or kicking?— at her own door.

“Motherfucker!” she heard her say, and the way it rang in her ears tunneled so deep she got stuck in her tracks.

It was so fucking familiar. Where has she heard it? This was going to drive her absolutely fucking insane. But she tried to ignore it anyway, finding herself actually shake her head out of the daze and squint when she peeped through the hole in her front door.

She could see her standing there with some of her things including a large cup with a handle and her bag. But… no shoes. Or keys, by the looks of it.

Shit, she thought. That must suck. But where was her boyfriend? Bet he’s passed out. Dick.

Ellie stood there for another moment before the growl of her stomach had peeled her away from the peephole. She made an empty promise to find something on the way to work, knowing she wasn’t going to stop. And that she’d eat on her lunch. Knowing she had over a 2 hour session at noon today.

But this is how it always was. This is what the sludge did. Take and take and take. Give, then take some more… and take a little extra. Just giving her enough to keep her alive.

Eventually though, she finished getting ready. And that meant combing through her hair just to pull it back and doing the same with a T-shirt that hung loose on her cracked ribs. She slid her converse on and grabbed her Ipad and the rest of her things before slipping them into her black messenger bag and out the door.

She tried not to notice how her eyes were glued onto her as soon as she finished locking her door and turned to see the backside of her, and how suddenly she had the urge to pretend she left something inside and climb out the fire escape. Or how fucking pretty she was. Her hair was done nicely— nicer than Ellie’s— and had pieces that framed her face.

Jesus she was getting dizzy. She looked away, hoping she hadn’t seen the utter shock on her face.

Holy shit. Oh my god oh my god ohmygodohmygod.

“Morning,” she said, and it was then that Ellie had to pretend she wasn’t shitting bricks while she stared hard enough trying to get the key out of her door that it might melt under her gaze.

She turned. Played it cool, because this was so cool. Totally nonchalant.

“Morning.” she replied, then, because she was totally chill, she tilted her head up toward her and spoke again. “Locked out?”

She looked down then, avoiding Ellie’s eyes before a dry chuckle left her lips. “Yeah, I uh.. guess you could say that. Think it’s jammed or s’mthing.” she looked embarrassed, crossing her feet that displayed her socks.

Ellie took a step toward her down the hall, trying to pluck her words to form a sentence over the raging sound of her heard pounding inside her chest, threatening to burst right then and there.

“Damn, that sucks. You tried uh…?” and Ellie fell short when she looked her in eye, suddenly losing all the air from her lungs and every ounce of blood from her veins.

Jesus, what the fuck.

“If you’re gonna say opening it, then yes. And I tried my key, it won’t work. I also don’t have my phone.” and it was then that somewhere Ellie knew she should offer to help.

There was a slice of herself that was open, ready to help and offer up her phone to call someone, but it shrunk before her voice had found it’s way up her throat to say it, sinking a thousand feet into the depths of her stomach with a gulp.

“Shit. Well I hope you figure it out.” and she didn’t say another word before making her way past her— ignoring the smell of her perfume radiating off of her and staining Ellie’s nostrils with the hint of honey— toward the stairs.

As soon as she was out of ear-shot, she swore under her breath. “Fuck!” leaving her lips as her feet had stomped down all three remaining floors and onto the street where she pulled a hand down her face with a low groan.

“What the fuck,” she said to herself. She had been a fucking asshole, for no reason. No reason at all. She could go back up there, offer up her phone, shit she’d even give her her own shoes. But she knew she wouldn’t. She knew that. Ellie would move out if it meant never having to go through that again.

And jesus, what had gotten into her? She felt… nervous. But not the same kind of nervous she felt before taking a girls shirt off… Something that felt unfamiliar and uncertain. Like she was about to jump off a cliff with nothing but a paper clip to help crash her fall.

As if she really were falling, and the pavement underneath her feet had shattered and begun giving out beneath her converse. But she wasn’t. She wasn’t.

Ellie snapped her eyes shut for a moment, breathing in the air that had already began warming with the rising sun.

You’re safe. You’re safe. You’re in control. 1234,1234.

She only let herself stand there for a moment longer before she curled her toes inside her shoes and managed to begin walking. Jesus, she was losing it.

Soon enough, Ellie makes it inside the door of InK & Sink with a few minutes to spare. She hated being late, but today by some miracle she had actually managed to make it in time. She had an early appointment —just after 9:30– so she had made her way downstairs after saying a quick “Morning.” to Drot in passing.

He waved her off a silent greeting, his phone pressed to his ear listening closely. “And you tried it again? Well… fuck, can’t you just… okay. No. It’s okay, it’s fine.” And he sighed, running a hand over his face just as Ellie had taken her first steps downstairs.

“Hold on a second, hold. Hey! Ellie? C’mere for a minute.” And her lips had tugged in a straight line, just before she wiped it off and let her brows turn ‘casually’ as she made her way back to him, leaning against the archway.

“Would you um, mind working the cash register for a bit? Just a bit… my um.. my daughter locked herself out, she uh… yes I gotta— No, I’m not going to break… yeah, yes, yes. Okay.” And it was then that he looked toward her, waiting for her response that she had failed to form inside her head.

She said something, not realizing until the words echoed through the thunder washing over her ears.

“Uh… I have uh… yeah. Yeah, sure.” and that’s all she said as she watched him say a few more words into his phone before swapping places with Ellie and making it out the door in the matter of about thirty seconds.

His Daughter. His. Daughter. She was his daughter. Oh god she was so screwed.

No. No. That could be anybody, a really weird coincidence. There’s a lot of people in New York, in her building. Not a chance it’s the same person.

But her voice. Her voice. She heard it through the phone. Somebody’s. Someone must’ve given her a phone to use. Fuck. That’d be a nightmare if she’d given her phone to use and her dad’s contact was already there. Jesus.

No, can’t be her. It’s not. Why is this such a big deal? Why can’t you just let it go, roll off your shoulders. C’mon. You’re not gonna get fired for being an asshole to his kid. No way.

This is what the inside of Ellie’s head was thinking the whole fifteen minutes she was working a cash register she had little to no experience working, all while greeting customers and playing Baker in her black head-to-toe outfit.

“$6.24 for ya’.” and she held the small parchment paper bag across the counter, swapping it for cash and pressing for the till drawer.

“Have a good one,” she echoed, just before the door had opened and the soft bell rang in her ears.

“Welc— oh, hey.”

“Hey.” Drot said, dropping his head between his shoulders and chuckling low.

Ellie could see the slow shake of his head with each quiet laugh, and with each second she grew more anxious.

“This mornings’ been interesting, no?” He looked up now, a grin planted on his lips as he patted her on the shoulder that would’ve been hard enough to shatter the bone there if she let it.

“Interesting? Uhh… guess so.”

He leans back against the opposing counter— a little to Ellie’s right, and nods her away from the cash register.

“My daughter. She just moved. Forgot her keys. inside and had no shoes on. No. She had her old keys.” he was smiling at her, inviting Ellie to do so along side him.

She offered up a small chuckle followed by a raise of her eyebrows and a single. “Ah.”

He sighs to himself before standing up straight and making Ellie’s eyes jump up to meet his gaze.

“She’s you’re age. A little younger. You should meet her. She’s… like you.”

“Like me?” and she says it before fully realizing, letting it slip right past her lips.

“Yeah… she uh.. well, you know. Eh, forget it. Go, go.” Drot is ushering her away from his register and toward the small swing king door near the end of the counter.

She grabbed ahold of her bag with a fist, turning to look back at him before she made her way down the stairs.

Like her? What did he mean like her? She couldn’t let herself think on it. She had a job to do. Work to do. She couldn’t let her mind fall out of her head on the clock.

Which is why when she met Dina for coffee after work, she was all Ellie kept thinking about.

“And then— while he was fucking on top of me he tells me he loves me?! Like are you kidding? So then after that I was li— Ellie, are you listening?”

She wasn’t. Her eyes were narrowed in on the small lights that were strung up above both of their heads, counting and watching the bulbs flicker until she was blinking back into reality when she heard her own name.

“Yeah, yeah. I am.” and she clears her throat and shakes the thought of her out of her head.

“What’d I say?”

“He said he loved you… like a fucking weirdo.” and that cracked Dina a little bit. Before she collected herself and took a sip of her drink.

“What? Like I’m wrong? Alex is weird; and I mean that in every extreme way possible. Yeah sure whatever he’s ‘nice’… but Dina. You can do better. You know you can.”

“I— I feel guilty okay?”

“Don’t! You shouldn’t. I’m serious.”

“Ellie…” she tilts her head with a stare.

Ellie does the same, mimicking her time when she says: “Dina. Really though. You know I’m right.”

“Yeah, but I’m not giving you that ego boost.” and she shakes her head as she leans back into her chair.

Ellie smirks. “You already did.”

They sit outside bickering back and forth like this for another hour, cracking jokes and mostly pissing Dina off while Ellie spreads her legs wider to try and fight the shake she feels inside them. She was running on this coffee alone, and it was starting to finally become noticeable.

“You cold or something? You’re shaky.” Dina has her forearms pressed against the table, leaving the pattern against her skin when she reaches across to try and feel for herself.

Ellie pulls back when they make contact, shrugging her off with denial. “No. I’m good.”

“You eat today?” and the pull in her brows is one that Ellie doesn’t like.

But she laughs it off, tries not to notice how shifty and full she’s filling with guilt alone. “Yes, mom. I stopped somewhere this morning.”

“Ellie… it’s after four.” and she looked away from her to reach inside her bag for something— her wallet. “Here, let me—”

“I have money. I’ll just go get something inside. That make you happy?” Ellie was already planting her feet on the ground before Dina could answer, and she was pushing back from her chair to make her way inside to order.

She was pissed at herself. Pissed that her hands we’re shaking so badly at only 4 o’clock, that Dina had noticed, that she hadn’t noticed and can’t make them stop.

She’s also pissed because she wasn’t watching where the fuck she was going, and she bumped right into someone hard enough to spill their coffee on the tile.

She’s reaching out to land a hand on their arm before drawing her feet back away from the forming puddle. “Fuck, I’m-”

Her. It was her. Ellie’s eyes are glued onto hers, noticing the deep hazel and the mascara on her lashes. And her wispied bangs that fell a little too perfect on her face. And her face; she noticed her face. The three freckles that connected around her right eye in a constellation of a tria—

“You’re good…” she said, dipping her eyebrow in recognition. “Oh, hey. It’s you.” and she goes to point a finger, but her arm is still in Ellie’s grasp.

Ellie let’s go when she realizes. She didn’t even notice it there at first, but now, the feeling is vast and leaves her bicep with a map of goosebumps. Almost like Ellie had taken the heat right from her and placed it into her cheeks that were the color of a ripening tomato.

When her hand falls, Ellie lets the scene before her unfold for a moment. Taking in the spilled drink on the floor— and noticing she finally a pair of on. Without thinking, she tells her that.

“Finally got shoes on huh?” and she looks down at her own feet, wearing a pair of black Dr Martens that had now made her an inch or two taller than Ellie.

A little confused, she agrees. “Yeah, I do.”

And for some reason —unknown to her— Ellie perks up to specify. “From this morning. No shoes… You were uh, locked out…”

Soon there’s recognition in her voice, making her eyebrows raise and a laugh to stumble from her lips as she speaks. “Oh! Yeah… yeah, I got in. Yeah. Surprised you remembered honestly. You seemed.. in a rush.”

There’s a beat. One serged with electricity that would shock the two of them if they touched.

“Sorry.” Ellie says. She can’t help but wince when she says it.

She looks at her, still lost in the conversation. Ellie doesn’t know why she keeps fucking this up. Even when she’s apologizing.

“About your coffee. And this morning… and last night. I was an asshole. I— I don’t know why I did that. I don’t- I’m not usually… like that.” Liar.

She waves Ellie off. The ring on her middle finger glistens against her hand when she moves into a sunspot. “No worries. Shit happens.”

Shit happens? She thought about it for a second. Yeah. Shit does happen. No worries.

“Still. I feel like we got off on the wrong foot. I swear I’m not always that… much of an asshole.”

She laughs a little. “Sounds like something an asshole would say.”

Ellie pauses when she says this, a little struck by her words; a little guilty. It doesn’t last long when she breaks and says: “I’m fucking with you. Everyone’s a little bit of an asshole sometimes.”

To this, Ellie actually sighs in relief. She fucking sighs. Just fucking with you.

“Right. Well.. I feel like one. Do you want another drink? On me.” she’s pulling out her wallet from her back pocket before she can even object.

She takes a moment to consider it; furrowing her brows in thought before she begins to actually… grin. “You always buy your neighbors coffee?”

Ellie’s cheek swell with a red hue she is hoping to hide with a snarky remark. “Only the cute ones.” she shoves one of her shaky hands in her back pocket.

She blows a breath from her nose, a half-laugh. “So you do this pretty often then huh?”

“Nah… you’re the first.” and that’s true. She’s never done this before.

Of course she hasn’t. Because if she had— she wouldn’t be so fucking nervous.

“Lucky me then.” and she pauses, looking at Ellie for a beat… almost like she’s hesitating. Almost like she’s waiting for Ellie to make a move.

The moment passes, and she pipes up again.

“Well, what if I wanted to buy you coffee?”

Ellie shifts in her stance. She was getting lightheaded, and she wasn’t sure if it was because she was starving… or flirting in the middle of a coffee shop with her brand new neighbor. Who was also her employer daughter. (Possibly.) [Definitely, without a doubt.]

“Why would you wanna buy me coffee?”

“Do I need a reason?”

She’s faultering, cracking and smudging, about to melt into a puddle next to this spilled coffee that was soaking into the grey tile. “…No. Guess not.”

She smiles. And of course it’s incredible. “Alright. Good. So, what do you want?”

“Well what do you want? You gonna let me buy you something?”

By now, she is reaching over to grab a handful of napkins, crouching down to begin wiping away the mess.

“Eh. I’ll think about it.”

Ellie scoffs. She shakes her head. And she can’t fucking believe she’s doing this in broad daylight.

But… what was she doing? She’d flirted in public before, and she’d done even more than that.. so why was she getting so shy? Why was the sludge melting away with the heat of her cheeks and the sweat of her palms when she reaches to grab some tissues and begins to help clean up.

And because Ellie is secretly terrified this feeling will go away.. she fights to make more conversation. “Sorry about your bed. The doors are pretty shit.”

She mops up her drink, wadding up the napkins and tosses them without standing. “It’s alright. I kinda fuckin’ hated that thing to be honest. It was a bitch to put together.”

She’s watching Ellie, her slender fingers and shortened nails were a sight. And this Ellie could pick up on. The sudden feeling of her eyes darting down to watch this very mundane but intimate moment.

Jesus, it just felt like the two of them.

Like the world had fallen away, the music muffled out, chatter quieting to a white noise. The only thing Ellie saw was her. She could feel the scratchy material of the brown napkin and the weight of her hazel eyes on her movements.

It was so… bold. So full and alive. Light. Simple. Delicate.

Ellie had to say something. Shit. Her brain was scattering with her eyes on her. Her neighbors eyes on her. Her neighbor who had a boyfriend. Maybe.

Fuck, it didn’t matter… she had to stand back up and make sure she didn’t pass out from whatever was going on.

Eventually she does, straightening her knee’s from her squat and adjusting her jeans that had rode down to reveal her boxers underneath.

Ellie is standing and looking down her feet when she notices the coffee has stained the laces of her shoes.

Not that she minds, they were already dirtied from wearing them everyday; that was a given. And even if she did mind: Shit happens. No worries.

From the corner of her eye she see’s her stand back up too… and it’s then that she realizes she never asked her name.

So she does.

Her head is shooting up with the thought, rushing to find her eyes that were already looking at Ellie. Her hands go clammy again. God.

“I uh, I never.. Oh my god I can’t even talk. What’s your name?” and Ellie shakes her head with disbelief. Her game is way off.

She laughs. Not mean, Ellie can tell. She cracks a smile when her eyes line with a shine from the sun.

“Poe.”

Poe. Poe. Poe.

It had suited her better than she had even begin to think, slotting it into place and sighing when it clicked there.

“Cool, cool. I’m Ellie, by the way.” she breathed out something pathetic, a sliced up nervous laugh.

But Poe was smiling at her, Poe.

Poe… was smiling at her.

“Nice to meet you, officially.”

“Yeah, you too.”

The thick hum in the air felt like a barbed wire, zapping Ellie’s skin when Poe spoke up again.

“So, Ellie, you gonna buy me some coffee or what?” and the grin on her lips was wide enough to make Ellie slip from the reality back into their banter.

So much so that she’d completely forgotten about Dina, leaving her to text Ellie a string of messages and a pissed tone scorching through the screen.

But Ellie couldn’t be worried. Because Poe was sitting in Dina’s freshly abandoned chair. Smiling.

At her.

She was so fucked.

Later that night— after Poe had made her order some gluten free lemon poppy bread (which Ellie said: “Shit tastes like dirt. Dirt if you pissed in it.”) and then laughed at her when she tried to wash it down with her coffee but ended up with a mouthful of what tasted like burnt shit.

Then offered up her own drink to be told it was “Milk and ice. A shittier version of vanilla ice cream.”— Ellie had made it home and was tucked into her bed with her journal and pen.

Her hand was scribbling across the page, racing her brain for the details before they slipped and tugged through the cracks after sleeping on it.

She fills up another page, talking about all the things that choke up her sobs… and finally sketches a dragon on the back, covering up the nightmare from last night— soaking it into the scales of the monster.. letting it’s fiery breath burn the memories that fuel the rot in her brain.

Ellie sighs before she wipes her face with the back of her hand, pulling the cuff of her sweatshirt over her palm and sniffling.

The routine is coming to a close when she sets her journal back on her nightstand and gets to her feet, trudging to the bathroom to get ready for bed and make sure she is still the same person in the mirror.

It never comforts her when she see’s herself… part of her hopes that maybe, just maybe, that one day she will flip the light switch and won’t recognize herself.

But of course she does. She knows the freckles on her face and their placement on her skin, the scar on her temple, her stoned over green eyes; turned dark and cold over the last few years… she see’s it all, and she wishes she didn’t.

She see’s something else that night… when she’s asleep in her bed after the clock passes 1AM.

She see’s Poe, standing in her doorway, with her hands crossed over her chest and a closed lipped smile across her face. She was the moon, and she was brighter than all the lights in New York City.

#all the lights 1 #ellie williams tlou #ellie x fem reader #bellswlw #the last of us #ellie williams #ellie tlou #ellie tlou2 #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x y/n #ellie williams tlou2 #ellie williams x reader #tlou 2 ellie #ellie the last of us

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