#cw depersonalization | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

itsnotjustgibberish · 2 months

Text

Wake up chat, Gibberish writing dropped!

Soul and Whole centric fic :] written with platonic intent for clarity

Warnings: General angst, unreality/depersonalization, mostly unhappy ending. Let me know if there’s anything else I should add; I’m not too experienced posting and tagging writing

^Can be read here, or below,

[…]

They always met at the beginning of the loops.

Soul knew the ‘Whole’ he met within the rainstorms wasn’t really Harmonia, or even fully real. Still, he would always take the time to sing their duets. It would always repeat the promise to revive Him. His hope would be renewed from the spring showers; hydrated so that it could hold on long enough to eventually blossom when the song regained its harmonies.

Whole was just a human being.

Soul had to remind himself of that. Over and over he reminded itself that Harmonia was not a god, not his god. He hated Soul’s reverence.

Except when he saw Him this time, it was difficult not to humble himself.

The voice of the silhouette always sounded familiar, even if He was rather blurry, but this meeting wasn’t during the beginning. Heart and Mind had already harmonized, and begun to work together. If anything, they might have already formed a Soulless-Harmonia.

So how could he come face-to-face with his Whole, now?

He had to be real. This wasn’t the beginning, he couldn’t be just a promise. He was a person, He was here. He was here with Soul. He was finally, truly meeting The Whole.

What the fuck.

The mechanisms behind his eyes began to spin out hundreds of different worries. Had it respected Him correctly? Would He be proud of The Soul’s work to reform? Would He be proud of Atlas himself..?

Soul felt his hands reach out to The Whole unthinkingly, but he did not fight it.

“{Whole?}” Despite the tone, it was no longer a question. His hands were solid against Soul’s. The touch was real. His body was real. Whole was real.

“Hello, Mr. Eclipse.”

“{How…}” He tore one hand away to cover his mouth as tears escaped his eyes. Whole squeezed the hand He still held for a moment, briefly attempting to offer comfort, before pulling His Soul into a hug instead.

“I don’t know.”

Soul leaned into the embrace, face pressing against His shoulder. The curls of His hair were an uncomfortable tickle as they brushed against him, but he could not care; it wasn’t an artificial feeling. Atlas clung on to His back, and the soft cloth of His shirt folded between his fingers. The pressure of His arms around it was like a weighted blanket keeping him free from harm. Whole did not have the same metallic coldness of Mind, nor the feverish scorching of Heart; He was a human being with a natural warmth, He was a real person. Whole was real.

Whole was real as He held the sobbing man, who’s hands shook as he clung on to Him tighter. Atlas’ nails would have drawn blood if the other’s clothes had been any thinner. Still, Whole refused to move away. Even as tears drenched His shirt, surely leaving some kind of stain, He stayed still as a comforting constant.

Suddenly yet hesitantly, Soul pulled his head away; his eyes were wide and terrified, as if he was worried the other might disappear when he let go. “{It took so fucking long for you to finally show up here. You haven’t always been able to, right?}” Soul sniffled. “{You haven’t– please tell me you haven’t left us forsaken intentionally–}” The words wobbled before splitting apart into another wave of sobs.

Atlas brought its eyes back up from the floor, tears blinked away. The terrifying thought of what His answer could be was replaced with a guilt worse than a thousand sliced nerves when its gaze met Whole’s; clouded with sadness.

“Do you think I would?” His voice lowered.

Soul felt all words leave him. He had upset Whole. They had only just met and he had already fucked up and hurt Him. What was wrong with him? What kind of vessel was he?

Whole silently hugged him again. Atlas let his arms fall to his sides; it didn’t deserve His comfort now. Of course He wouldn’t have meant to leave. He couldn’t have wanted to leave. Because what would that say about Soul? About all of them; that they were part of something so quick to push their own self away?

But He was here with him now as he cried until his head hurt. Whole eventually gave him an awkward pat on the head; which was met with Soul giggling through his sobs, wiping at his cheeks. He glanced up at the other to see him mirror the movement. Soul hadn’t noticed when Whole began crying, but there was something oddly comforting about seeing the tears on His face as well.

Whole backed away, eyes finally breaking from Soul’s to take in the room. Awe grew in The Whole’s face as He wandered around, with Atlas following right behind like a lost duckling. The impossible space of Soul’s bedroom was really the only structure in the psyche that hadn’t formed based around his house.

Harmonia looked back at Soul, and it seemed to set in that this was the place he had already spent hundreds of thousands of days in. Soul found the wonder charming, but the one wondering was not aware of that, and so he shifted his attention to avoid boring him.

“It’s rather dark in here, don’t you think?” He turned to the window, making his way over slow enough for The Eclipse to easily catch up if needed. Atlas watched a mix of sun and moon highlight His quintet-colored nails as Whole pressed the glass panes open, observing the clouds outside. “Perhaps we should cloudgaze? It’s certainly been a while.”

All the times he had spent laying beside ‘Whole’ to watch the rain clouds pass felt emptier now. It hurt, but maybe that was okay; he had the real Whole now, didn’t he? But the thought of watching the clouds together was terrifying. They would be tempting fate; disrespecting this current Parousia to return to a fake one. Soul reasoned with himself that the tears making another attempt at escape were just a remaining irritation of his eyes. It certainly could not be fear overtaking him again.

“Hey, Dawnlight,” Atlas nearly jumped as Harmonia’s hand suddenly appeared on his shoulder. “I’m sure it’s okay.”

“{What… What if somehow–}”

“It will be okay.”

“{But you appeared so quickly, what if you leave just as suddenly? How can I know you won’t get lost in the rain? How can I trust you not to abandon me again?}” He took a deep breath, and avoided His eyes for fear of having to see that pain-filled expression once more. “{I’m sorry, I don’t mean to blame you– you can’t be the one to blame for this– but I have never been this fucking terrified before.}”

“It may be partly cloudy, but the rains cannot reach us today.” He motioned outside, “Look at the clouds. They’re paler than a certain Akaryocyte, aren’t they?”

Soul couldn’t help but smile at the– probably unintentional– jab at Heart, and carefully crept up beside him. “{The clouds have no rain.}”

“The clouds have no rain.” He echoed.

“{You can’t get lost.}”

Whole patted his shoulder, again, rather awkwardly. “I’m here, aren’t I?"

“{You’re real, and you are here.}”

Soul guided the other through the patch where the roof turned to smog. After a short hike, the duo settled in a low altitude meadow of cloud; lying against the soft ground.

Whole hummed a tune that Soul quickly recognized; a zeroth track the trio had already sung. He grinned, looking up at all the variations in the puffs enclosing them from above.

“Isn’t it so very fascinating to see how the clouds will form differently from such simple changes in the environment?”

“{Yes.}”

“Do you have a favorite cloud?”

“{I’ve always found interstellar ones really lovely.}”

He raised an eyebrow. “Those aren’t the ones I meant, silly.”

“{You should’ve specified water molecules. I bet you’d hate to find out my favorite color is technically a value.}” He laughed, and paused. “{…Your favorite color is still pink, right?}”

“Yup.”

“{Do you dislike how we connect you to gold, then?}”

“Nah. I think it’s fun to see the symbolism you three have made. Besides, Atlas, don’t you think I would get sick of it if everything around me was constantly pink?”

Soul laughed again, and sat up. “{Fair enough.}”

He grabbed a clump of the cloud beneath him, and carefully began to shape it. Whole rolled onto His stomach, watching His third before looking back at the sky. Giggling to himself, Soul set the flower he had created atop His head, catching His eye before focusing on creating another. A few more flowers joined the first, as well as a sun and moon, before either of them broke the comfortable silence again.

“{What are you gonna say to Heart and Mind when you meet them?}” He asked.

Harmonia looked at him thoughtfully before eventually giving up on an answer with a shrug. He carefully sat up as to not let the clouds fall from his hair, and moved to sit beside Soul. It leaned against The Whole, and closed his eyes. His shoulder was solid and comfortable beneath his head, and so were the clouds holding them up.

“Soul?”

“{Hm?}”

“I’m not real.”

“{I…}” The vessel opened his eyes, trying to steady its breathing before looking at the void beside him.

“You know that, don’t you?”

“{…The lie was comforting.}”

“I know.”

Soul could barely see into His eyes anymore.

“You have to join them, Atlas.” The name once held so much tranquility, but now it felt like a toxin ripping apart each and every molecule of his being. The sweetness of it left a bitter aftertaste now; it was a horrid reminder that Soul could never be its own person to truly meet Whole. If the trio intertwined and formed Whole physically, Soul would no longer exist to see Him. If the trio became Whole by harmonizing and working together as individuals, the Harmonia he wanted so desperately to meet would never exist.

Soul would never meet Whole.

“{I can’t lose you.}”

”You won’t—“ Whole was cut off as the other yelled.

”{I know that! I know the three of us will form you again. I know you and I are intertwined; the real Whole was what we repaired along the way, or whatever cliché shit, but I can’t lose the presence here now. I can’t lose you!}”

Whether the wetness on his face was caused by tears or rain, Soul wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter. It was already too late. It clutched its arms around himself, and sobbed harder when the only response was a cold zephyr carrying the smell of storms. He tried to dig his hands into the ground beneath him, desperately searching for something solid or something real, but the clouds only dissipated with the extra pressure. Soul brought its knees to his chest, and let his head fall forward as he cradled them.

Eventually he ran a sleeve across his face in a half-hearted attempt to clean it. Taking a heavy breath, Atlas looked back down at the empty space beside him, and forced his legs to stand and walk. The Eclipse spoke to the void one final time.

“{Stratocumulus.}” Was the only word to break the silence before he started the path back home to his other halves.

Soul would never meet Whole, but Harmonia was still waiting for him.

37 notes · View notes

pleaseshutupaboutsatou · 1 year

Text

Satou-san & Tanaka-kun Adventures

cw for guns and depersonalization maybe

#ajin #draws #cw guns #cw depersonalization #drew them cause i miss them #comics #sorry i reposting cause i didn't like what tumblr did with it....

201 notes · View notes

queerpossums · 5 months

Text

it feels like there are bees in my head. nothing feels real and everything feels floaty and not there. moving just makes that zappy feeling worse and i can feel it travel down my spine and into my limbs

i can’t tell if it’s a neurologic thing or a psychosis thing or both

probably both

18 notes · View notes

ihaveeatencuttlefish · 1 month

Text

while i've seen people talk about how gender roles are harmful overall, i don't think i see many people dive into how much they can affect trans people, more specifically how we can view our gender.

this is just my experience, but for reference, i didn't consider myself a trans man for the longest time, and aside from my mental health also impacting the way i felt about my identity (not feeling human from time to time courtesy of neurodivergency+loads of other mental issues, yeowch), the fact that i wasn't, and still am not "typically masculine" made me feel like that wasn't my label.

i'd like to be a typical bombshell blonde. if i have the choice to go on t, i don't think i will because the effects aren't something i want. i don't wear my binder much and honestly, don't know where it is right now (although to be fair, i am naturally flat-chested and am very greatful, i know and love the trans men with trouble covering!). and looking back on it, it sucks that i robbed myself of knowing my identity earlier because i felt i wasn't valid as someone who doesn't want all those things, atleast not now.

moral of the story, getting caught up in gender norms hurts both cis and trans people. let men wear dresses and women have beards if they want.

if any of yall try debating me in the rbs i'm hitting the block button

17 notes · View notes

midnight-moth · 5 months

Text

Cw mental health things I guess?

This is a topical analogy because I guess you have that parade in the US today. I feel like one of this giant inflatable balloons hovering over my own body today. I feel like I have the outside but the rest is empty and filled with air. And I’m just kind of looking down at myself going through the motions. Every time I do something I think about it right after and wonder if it made sense to do that thing. And I am nervous I’m going to do something bad or weird. It is unpleasant. I’m hoping if I go to sleep it’ll stop or at least be less intense.

#cw depersonalization #cw vent #trying trying trying to tag things good

12 notes · View notes

mar64ds · 10 months

Text

oh okay my life makes sense now

#it has gotten so bad recently i thought i was going insane #sorry i'm not real in this place the lights are just too bright :(#cw derealization #cw depersonalization #cw unreality

16 notes · View notes

goopyratdaughter · 1 year

Text

over here extremely distressed @ Neo always spoke via others’ faces and voices and now she’ll just be the caged vessel of a cursed creature

bro I hate that I hate this

#I'm mad #rwby #rwby spoilers #does this count as depersonalization cw cuz I think it does #I'm having A HARD TIME #cw depersonalization

21 notes · View notes

the-hype-on-tv · 11 days

Text

i feel safe in this acc to vent sometimes so....

(cw for existential and identity crisis, depersonalization and dissociation, a bit of religious stuff as well)

since yesterday I've been feeling a bit... off. before that as well, probably.

I'm not sure how it started, but i remember i was trying to write my thoughts down, and suddenly i couldn't hear my voice

you know, the little voice in your head narrating what you're reading? like right now? i couldn't hear it the way i usually do...

it was tyler's. and that didn't exactly upset me, but i just... it felt weird. i was writing my thoughts and feelings, it felt weird to hear someone else's voice saying it instead of mine

i tried writing about it even more (if that ain't clear yet that's how i express myself) but the more i tried to write to get a hold of myself, of who i am, the more i heard his voice instead of mine and that began to anger me

I'm not him, i could never. i get this thing that when i like someone too much I'll contemplate what being them feels like. what having their life instead of mine would feel like. but it always happens with close people, never to someone I've never seen irl

my words twisted into rap music and that was the last straw to me, because then i wanted them to have a melody behind, and a whole song, but guess what? I'm tone deaf. i can't create and sometimes even play music unless i follow it by the sheet, I've tried it before

I'll never have what he has, be that a supporting best friend who understands me even in my dark days or even the ability to express myself, to be someone

i do art as well, but recently I've been in an art block and i wondered... what if this is the end of me? if I can't create, do i even exist?

it makes no sense, probably, but I can't understand how people live without creating stories or art or something to let others know what they think somehow... that sounds insane to me even tho I'm aware it happens

i felt useless these days, but it didn't bother me as much, i can be happy being useless, i can live with it

this morning at church however, the feeling started to bother me again. like hands around my neck holding my voice, because it isn't my voice, if it's not original it doesn't exist

I don't wanna go into details of what happened (no specific reason) but holding onto you was stuck in my head like a loop. "tie a noose around your mind" it kept repeating like a broken record... "tie it to a tree... this ain't a noose this is a leash... now you must obey me...."

long story short, I'm convinced god and tyler have some sort of direct connection or something (/j) cuz the pastor says basically the same thing with other words

and i still don't really feel like myself, I'm still tone deaf (I'm learning; today i achieved playing twinkle twinkle little star by ear only) and still not original, but i know it's gonna be okay

it's weird how this band gives me such a bittersweet feeling whenever I'm going through something lol

#vent #rant #cw existentialism #cw identity crisis #cw depersonalization #tw depersonalization #tw identity crisis #tw existential crisis #twenty one pilots #tøp #skeleton clique #twenty øne piløts #twentyonepilots #clikkie #tyler joseph #cw religion #tw religious themes #cw religious themes

2 notes · View notes

experimentalflour · 16 days

Text

vent portrait- cw depersonalization

sometimes you just need to make some vent art. mirrors are always an interesting subject to use with them

#cw depersonalization #myart

4 notes · View notes

crazypossumman · 26 days

Text

I get this strange attachment to characters that I cannot surpass: consistently, it is a debate as to whether I deeply relate to them, or if I just want to deeply relate with them. I can’t tell if my thoughts just remind me of them, or if they remind me of my thoughts. I wish I could say they were the best characters, but usually they’re not. They’re never heroes, but characters who balance the fine line between right and wrong in a certain level of desperation. I think that’s because I’m complicated, just like other people. That’s something we can all say, right? That we’re not heroes, but we’re desperate not to be villains?

#roan rambles #cw mentally ill #cw vent #cw mental illness #cw mental health #cw dissociation #cw depersonalization #I promise I’m doing okay #I just have a lot on my mind #but it always clears up eventually

2 notes · View notes

silenthooves · 1 year

Text

A return?

Callahan stumbles on their way back from the void. They land on all fours, struggling to catch a breath.

Something feels wrong. They are not in charge here like they were. Not quite. Something faintly cries out to them in their mind, but it’s not easy to make out.

Is it because of their interfering? Is it because-

No. Something’s off with the world. Maybe things will be fixed after a bit.

They stand, swaying. Their hood has fallen, but the fluff around their neck has dimmed slightly. Still enough to blind if not careful.

They look up- and see a piglin. One that looks... only vaguely familiar.

They give a wave.

@rusted-blade

#in the headlights #bled and slew for naught but truth [rusted-blade]#tag to be adjusted idk #resetverse #cw depersonalization #cw torture #cw objectification #cw heavy #(<---tags for the thread based on rusted-blade's current arc)

16 notes · View notes

hallofselkies · 2 years

Text

I tell myself I'm me in my human skin, but being without a pelt is like having a bit of soul locked away. I know I am still me no matter the form, but I long to choose. Sometimes I wrap my blanket around myself to try and remember what it might feel like. My eyes feel dull without running water, and my feet are heavy

#vent #slight vent post #otherkin #selkie #therian #selkiekin #sealkin #monsterkin #faekin #seal therian #cw depersonalization #oceankin #waterkin

45 notes · View notes

clownfire · 1 year

Text

why is this rolan it’s literally him,

i wanna do a re-draw w/ the og rolan but a part of me will always know

#garfwave #jrwi bitb spoilers #bitb spoilers #jrwi rolan #rolan deep #cw unreality #unreality #cw depersonalization #krow posts

16 notes · View notes

jupejumble · 5 months

Text

i sometimes forget i am a perceivable being, like huh? people see me? and see the stuff i make? and have thoughts and feelings to that?

#jex speaks #idk what cw warning tag to with this #uhh #cw depersonalization

3 notes · View notes

thechangeling · 2 years

Text

Regarding the fight over whether masking is a privilege or not, I wanted to add my thoughts.

First of all, I honestly think one of the biggest issues we as a community run into is our inability to imagine and understand perspectives other then our own. This is a problem with a lack of theory of mind and obviously it's severity is different in every person, but when I see this discorse that's what comes to mind. Because of our autism we are kind of notoriously bad at understanding other peoples points of view. I know I personally struggle with this a lot.

But I am attempting nuance.

See on the one hand yeah I as a relatively low support needs autistic don't know what it's like to have to rely on a care taker 24/7 or experience ableism and abuse from that. I have had employment opportunities, I'm currently doing freelance work, I can live sort of independently as in I can go out and do things on my own but I need people to remind me to eat and shower.

And I can mask exceptionally well. So well that nobody ever suspects I'm autistic, even doctors will try to argue with me about the diagnosis I've received. Therapists will tell me I'm just sensative and I feel everything too much.

I am ridiculously good at playing their game. I can make their jokes and use their cute expressions and metaphors and similes, I can dress like them, walk like them, talk like them, flirt like them, but I will never be them.

And to say it takes a toll is putting it fucking mildly.

I have no stable sense of self. I've spent so long creating different versions of my self to please different people, different parts to play to appease the crowd that now I have no idea who I really am. When I look in the mirror I see a face, but have no connection to that face. Is that me? I have so much trouble figuring out my gender and sexuality or even choosing a name that feels right because when I try and look inside myself (metaphorically) all I can find is a gaping black hole of swirling fuckery. It's impossible to make sense of it.

People say "just do what feels right" but I have no concept of that anymore. I've spent so long ignoring my bodies signals and my internal... well everything basically that I don't know if I have sensory issues or if I can tolerate certain foods or if I actually like certain people because I just can't tell. It all feels numb.

My entire life has been about pressing and molding myself into different shapes to please other people. And as a result I've been through so much abuse. I just let it happen because I thought it was what I deserved. I told myself that I was lucky to be getting any kind of love, even love that came with mockery, insults and violence. I've had many friendships but almost all of them ended badly due to my extreme depression and anxiety or my relentless paranoia over being left behind. And then my fears would become a reality and my paranoia became even worse.

See the thing is, at the end of the day nobody wants to love a scared insecure self loathing shell. So even though if I wasn't masking they would still find things to criticize, just different things, they leave.

I've tried to kill myself four times, self harmed all thought my teens and I've struggled with substance abuse. My kidneys actually kind of don't work as well as they're supposed to now probably because of my abuse of painkillers and vodka. My most commonly used phrase in the world is "I'm fine." I say it automatically without even thinking now. It's like I've completely lost my ability to tell when I'm in any kind of pain or discomfort.

I'm not writing all of this to try and get sympathy or pity. Absolutely not. My point is that masking is inherently traumatic and violent. I have quite literally destroyed my psyche and I don't know if I can fix it. That's why I flinch when I hear someone calling masking a privilege, because believe me you don't want this. You don't wanna feel like this. Like you've lost everything and now you're just a hole.

But, if I put my feelings aside I can recognize that the fact that I was able to mask in the first place did afford me certain privileges that other autistics don't get. Beyond the job stuff and the "adulting" stuff, I know that when the allistic people I know say they love and support autistics they are talking about autistic people like me. People who seem "normal." People who they could see themselves dating or having a laugh with. And that's a privilege.

But how I got there was not fucking pretty. And I don't think people who havent been through the trauma of masking should get to talk about how harmful it is. There needs to be a place where we as masking autistics can talk about our pain while still acknowledging the privilege we hold in this society for being able to mask.

Because yeah, masking did protect me somewhat, but it didn't protect me fully.

#actually autistic #autistic trauma #autistic masking #being autistic #sorry i know this is long. i had thoughts.#cw suicide mention #cw depersonalization #cw substance abuse

33 notes · View notes