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owliellder · 7 months

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Two's A Crowd

College Bully! Leon Kennedy x fem! Reader

MDNI 18+

(Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5)

Description: College is proving to be a lot harder than you imagined. You cannot fail this math class. So when you've tried everything else, a well-known student is recommended to you by your professor for tutoring lessons, not really leaving you with much of a choice but to work with him.

Warnings: Not proofread, No Use of Y/N, Dub-Con, Unprotected Sex, Bullying, Yelling, Cursing

Tags: College AU, Bully! Leon, Shy! Reader, both are in their early 20's, Leon is Rude AF in the beginning, Loss of Virginity, Oral Sex, Fingering, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Additional Tags to be Added

Author's Note: I've been late posting this entire series 😭. i explained a bit when anon asked, but i LOST my compression gloves and got a new pair relatively quick on top of my $200 medication 💔 my wallet is in shambles guys

ANYWAYS thank you all for sticking around and bearing with me!! i kiss and hug everyone!! even though i haven't responded to comments lately, i read every single one and it always makes me giggle ♥️♥️

Cross-posted onto AO3

Chapter 5

The drive back to your university with your mom was excruciating. You hadn’t told anyone what’d happened which meant you had to keep a happy demeanor around them throughout the holidays up until now. Dread had settled in your stomach once the drive began and continued to spread the closer you got, similar to when you’re headed to the doctors or the dentist, just a million times worse.

Texting Ella and Sky had helped a surprising amount, turning the majority of your anxiety into rage. Ella was furious when she found out, so her fury, and Sky’s, quickly became yours.

They hyped you up, ready to be at your side and assist in tearing “that shitty fratfuck” to shreds. The support meant so much after everything, especially after the reality of it all set in; you’d seen the picture via snapchat from someone you didn’t know, so how many others had seen it?

Your worst fear was being seen as easy, being used like you were. But you weren’t, were you? Your friends had made sure to try and convince you otherwise, you had to give them that, yet even with the facts laid out in front of you, it was still hard to divert your thoughts away from that ever-looming self-doubt.

Seeing the campus come into view only served to solidify those thoughts and feelings. No matter what Sky and Ella had tried or are willing to do for you, it just wasn’t enough to fix what’s been done.

Your mom helped you bring your suitcase up to your dorm, giving you a tight hug and a kiss on the temple before saying goodbye and heading on her way. Playing okay around your family all winter break was exhausting, so you just chose to sit in silence on your bed instead of unpacking your stuff. Always prepared, you wanted to get here a few days early, using unpacking and settling back in as an excuse, when really you just needed time to collect yourself before the inevitable happened.

He was here, and you were sure he’d seek you out eventually once he spotted you, or maybe when one his friends did and the word made its way back to him. Whichever way it happened, you knew it’d be unfavorable.

“Hey,” Ella’s voice from the doorway caught your attention, “you look miserable..” How hadn’t you heard the door open?

“I am miserable, but uh.. let’s just pretend I’m not, okay?” You replied, barely cracking a smile as you glanced up at her.

She gave you a weak laugh in return, letting the door close as she slowly sauntered over to you, plopping down right next to you on the edge of the bed. “Fine, yeah. You haven’t shown me your schedule yet, by the way.”

“Oh, right-” you paused to reach over and grab your bag, rifling through the various papers in there until finally pulling out the schedule you printed out a couple weeks back. “It’s mostly the classes that aren’t fun.” You stopped to look at your schedule for a brief moment before passing the paper over to Ella, who quickly snatched it from your hand.

She squinted dramatically, holding the paper only a couple inches away from her face. “Yeaaah, these aren’t the best. At least it looks like you’ll have the majority of your pre-reqs out of the way for next year though.” Her observation made you chuckle with a nod.

“Which is what I’m trying to do. Work myself to the bone now, chill out later.”

“Don’t kill yourself trying to do everything in one fell swoop.”

“I promise I won’t Ella, this is just how I-” A knock on the door drew both yours and Ella’s attention away from each other, an immediate scowl settling on her face. You wanted to ask, but it seems she already knew what you were going to say, quickly shushing you in a hushed voice, “Sky won’t be here until tomorrow night. Don’t answer that.”

You paused, thought for a moment, then nodded once with pursed lips. Ella was a pretty serious person, the mom of the group you could say, so when she pulled that tone, you knew better than to test it. Besides, you didn’t want to see who or what was on the other side of the door, you needed more time.

The next day was a little better, if uneventful. You finally brought yourself to unpack your suitcase, a chance to reorganize everything since you’d gotten a few new things over the holidays. Ella stuck close, bringing food up and into your dorm to take advantage of the empty mini fridge while the two of you binge watched a few random movies.

You stayed cozied up in your bed, having already mapped out and memorized your walking path for each class; longer, less foot traffic to and from. All you had to do was get through the rest of this year, that’s all. Little extra walking never hurt anyone, right?

When classes actually started, the long and complicated walks actually worked for a time; no one gave you strange looks, no one tried to talk to you, and it was pretty quiet. Scenic. But everyone knows everything good must come to an end eventually, and of course it had to be when you were just starting to forget all of this mess.

He caught you between classes. Scenic walks backfired massively when you realized there wasn’t anyone else around on that part of campus. Guess you didn’t think this one all the way through.

You couldn’t help but notice he looked pretty roughed up, sporting a few bruises along his cheekbone, a split lip, and a healing black eye. Seems he’s been busy over winter break.

“Listen, please listen-” Leon pleaded, holding his hands out in a weak attempt to trap you in the hallway. All this did was make you even more uncomfortable. “I know what I did was wrong, but I was not the one who sent that picture around, I swear.” You just stood in place after a few tries to get around him, giving him an almost bored stare. He didn’t really expect to finally catch you, so he stumbled over his words as he continued to ramble.

“I-.. I’m so, so sorry for doing that to you,” he slowly lowered his hands back down to his sides once he was sure you’d stay to listen, “I know that what I did was terrible, and I mean it when I say that I am sorry. I wish there was a way to turn back time and undo it, but I can't. I can't even explain why I did it in the first place, but that's not an excuse. I just- I messed up big time and I was- am stupid for letting it happen.”

To you this seemed sincere, but you really couldn’t be sure and it was safe to assume it wasn’t. Leon managed to trick you for months, who’s to say this wasn’t a trick as well?

Your look turned skeptical, crossing your arms tightly against your chest with a shaky breath. Despite handling this better than you thought you would, it was still nerve wracking having this kind of talk.

“I'm not good at this, but I'm more than willing to do whatever it takes to make things right, if that's even possible..” Leon breathed out, panting as he tried to catch his breath after talking so fast. “I managed to uh-.. to find everyone who had the picture and I made them delete it.”

“I made them delete the picture.” He repeated, taking another moment to breathe before suddenly looking down to yank something out of his pocket. “I-I got your uh-.. these-”

Seeing him hold up your panties so casually made you gasp, immediately looking around the hallway to make sure it was still empty before shooting him a glare, whispering a harsh “Put them back! Put them back!” which made him scramble to hide them in his pocket again.

“Right- right, sorry! Sorry…” Leon was sweating at this point, growing increasingly anxious under your gaze. He didn’t want to mess this up any further, but man he was doing a pretty shitty job at that right now.

His hands were shoved into his pockets as well, both of you blushing with embarrassment, and also shame on Leon’s part. Once he managed to slow his breathing, he started to talk again, a noticeable frown tugging at the corner of his lips. “You don’t.. have to forgive me or anything, I just wanted to make sure you knew that hardly anyone knows and-” His adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed dryly, turning his head to the side to look at the wall, “.. and that I’m sorry. I really do like you, I guess I just took a little too long to realize it…”

You made another quick glance over your shoulder before looking back at the man trembling in front of you who was still avoiding your gaze. You wanted to hate him so bad, so bad, but it was hard when all you could see was the Leon who was so sweet, the Leon who let you cry to him when the weight of the world was on your shoulders and made you feel so wanted and loved.

“Can we-” you cleared your throat and pulled the strap of your backpack further up onto your shoulder, rocking back and forth on the balls of your feet. “Can we talk later, maybe? Like, in my dorm? I don’t want anyone overhearing any of this..”

Leon perked up when he heard you talk, pulling his hands from his pockets to nervously rake his fingers through his hair, which was now partially damp from the sweat beading off his forehead. “Oh- OH! Yeah, of- of course, yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t- I just needed to-”

You waved your hands in front of your chest, shutting him up so he didn’t spill any further. "And throw those away." He nodded silently, wiping a hand down his face until it settled right in front of his lips, probably knowing he was talking too much at this point.

There was one more class you needed to go to that day, so you hurried off after telling him to wait outside your dorm until you were done, and he promised he would. Very adamantly, too. At least he held true to his words, standing in the hallway right in front of your dorm room like a lost puppy when you turned the corner. It was cute for a second, though annoyance quickly replaced that feeling as you walked over and let him in.

You weren’t exactly ready to have a full blown talk, but then again, no one ever was. What made it easier was your roommate never returned that semester, assuming she dropped out, so you basically had the whole dorm to yourself for the rest of the year. Or until someone had a roommate issue and needed a change. Didn’t really matter to you at that point.

There was really only one thing on your mind and that was getting Leon to explain this whole ordeal to you. You needed detail, clarification, anything to help you understand what’d been going on behind your back during that time. And he did, telling you just about everything he could; who suggested the bet, who roped him into the idea, the second guessings he had since the start, how he could’ve done literally anything else to avoid the way it all played out, everything.

Obviously you couldn’t just forgive him like that, even though he kept telling you how sorry he was and how terrible he felt about it. You wanted to forgive him, but you weren’t ready, and he understood that. He would’ve been satisfied with any response you gave him, so having been given the chance to really explain and have you listen was more than enough in his eyes.

“And just so you know, my friends aren’t going to let you off the hook,” you pulled your legs up so you were sitting criss-cross on the bed, looking across at Leon who was sitting on the bed opposite of yours.

“Yeah, I know..” he chuckled awkwardly, reaching a hand back to rub at the nape of his neck. “I was honestly expecting them to jump me, but they just give me evil looks whenever they see me.”

You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, making a mental note to question Sky and Ella about that later. “You’ll never get nice looks from them again and I won’t be vouching for you.”

Leon nodded, silence blanketing the room as you’d finally run out of things to discuss. Though it was awkward, it was nice to have him hanging around again. “Anyways,” you started, standing up from your bed slowly as you vaguely gestured towards the door, “I need to study, sooo…”

“Oh, yeah, totally, uhm..” he followed suit, standing up from the other bed before sauntering over to the door as you held it open for him. He walked out and turned around almost instantly, a small smile suddenly appearing on his face once his eyes met yours, his arms jerking upwards slightly as if to suggest a hug.

“Don’t push it.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

tags:

@kayotee4 @k-fallingstar @bobastayhigh @mi-zer-y @chasingkennedy @l30nva @espressonerd @jjouki @5tarx @bunnybreadloaves @whoisgami @cyanscribe @c4b3r1a @darichvep @mmmangel @kingtacocat @klee-iii @baby--vera @dakiniii @kenma-izhu @aliidarling @leonsmamacita @deadghxsty @nekoheist @dumbassmortal @cassiecasluciluce @iovewilliams @maeplayscello @deddiemunsonsblog @paranoid-but-android @mariesmain @tteokhwaa @bonnibuckets @eilonwykennedy @1dk-anym0r3 @papatyacikcik @animesnowstorm @lexi-zsy09 @mylifedoesntexist @ifeellikedying @yourmommylol04 @ravioli19 @dakiniii @papichulo120627

(few of your blogs won't pop up, i tried though 😩)

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miraclewoozi · 9 months

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VERSACE ON THE FLOOR. -l.jh

ooh, i love that dress but you won’t need it anymore –

Or, the time you and your homebody boyfriend* decide to just… not go to your dinner plans.

pairing; lee jihoon x fem reader. content; fluff, suggestive (MINORS DNI). established relationship. warnings; relatively warning free (y'all i didn't even swear???) but just in case -- a couple of dorky jokes, reader wears a dress, makeup and heels, making out, undressing. let me know if i've forgotten anything. w/c; 2.4k (apparently i am in my shorter fic era? party.) note; if there's one thing i'm gonna do, no matter what day of the week it is, it's be disgustingly delusional about jihoon. get ur dentists on speedial, it's a tooth rotter (/j). note 2.0; i've had this one in the drafts for so long i had forgotten all about it! but then VOTF came on shuffle a few days ago (and i started thinking about light a flame woozi at the same time, which nearly fucking killed me), so. here we are. enjoy.<3

You don’t go out for dates very often. Not anymore, at least.

When you and Jihoon first got together, he took you out all the time. For dinners, to cocktail bars, to the movies, for walks down the beach, picnics by the river. It didn’t matter where you went as long as it put a smile on your face — all he ever wanted to do was make you feel special. No expense has ever been too great for his favourite girl, after all; he’s always loved to spoil you.

Now several years into your relationship, you’re a real pair of homebodies. Sure, he could take you out for a four course dinner at an expensive restaurant in the middle of the city, or reserve a table at a pretentious cocktail bar that plays slightly too loud music that’s always just to the left of either of your tastes. Then again… He could cook a nice meal for you to have at the apartment you share, where you can make your way through a bottle of bubbles without one of you needing to stay sober to drive home or else risk your lives in a sketchy cab.

It’s something you’ve talked about several times, and on every occasion, it’s quite apparent that you’re both very happy with the way things are. If anything, it makes it all the more special when he tells you he needs you to keep your weekend free because he’s making plans, and he wants to whisk you away.

Like now, for instance. The hotel suite he’s booked is gorgeous and you’re perched on the edge of the plush bedding, bent over double so that you can properly fasten your shoes while he finishes getting ready in the bathroom. Now and again, you hear a grumble or a click of his tongue float through the ajar door; every time, you feel a smile play at your lips as you shake your head. He never changes. (You’re so glad.)

“Jihoon,” you call to him softly. You can practically see how he’ll be standing – facing the mirror, on his tiptoes to lean over the bathroom counter and get as close to his own reflection as he possibly can. Pouting as his fingers drag through his hair to try and fix the strands in place just a tiny bit better. “Don’t you dare come out here looking like Sonic the Hedgehog. You know the more you play with it, the more annoyed you’re going to get.”

A few seconds later, he emerges, an eyebrow raised in challenge, an amused grin tugging his lips out of their habitual frown.

(And lo and behold — his hair looks absolutely fine.)

But the second he sees you, whatever witty comeback he was obviously very proud of dies on his lips, and you straighten up with only one of your shoes secured to your foot, the other just slipped on over your toes.

“Wow,” he says, in that soft, deep, quiet way that he does when you’ve really taken his breath away. You watch his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallows; you see his brow crinkle and his eyes widen, as if he’s trying to see as much of you as he possibly can. “Is that…?”

“Yeah,” you nod proudly, sitting back and smoothing your hands over the dress you’re wearing. “From our first anniversary.”

As his eyes move over you, taking in everything from the way the straps sit on your shoulders to the way the hem lays across your thigh, your own eyes move over him. The top three buttons of his shirt are still unfastened and his tie hangs either side, tucked beneath his collar but not knotted yet. His slacks have been cleanly pressed, a neat, crisp seam running down the front of both legs. Shoes shined to perfection. Expensive watch strapped around his wrist.

He might just be the most handsome man in the entire world.

“I remember you saying you really liked it, so… I dug it out, special.”

“You look incredible,” he says. It’s so gentle, so sincere, that you think your heart is about to burst clean out of your chest. Warmth trickles the length of your spine, and it isn’t exactly helped when you realise – only now as he starts to cross the room to get closer to you – that he hadn’t moved an inch since he surfaced from the bathroom almost a full ninety seconds ago.

He shrinks down so he’s rested on both of his knees in front of you, skilful hands moving to help with the shoe you hadn’t managed to lace up yet. every time his fingertips so much as brush against your skin, the electricity in his gentle touches shoots all the way from the point of contact up to your brain and leaves it fogged, impossible to make any sense through the thick clouds of intimacy and adoration. More-so as he smoothly lifts your leg a little and presses his lips once to the inside of your ankle, even foggier still as he trails kisses up the length of your calf towards your knee.

“Jihoon,” you laugh breathlessly, laying a hand on his shoulder as you feel his tongue press lightly against your skin. He finally sits back on his heels, running his fingers up and down the backs of your legs; he’s successfully managed to hike your dress up a few inches now, too, and he keeps flitting his gaze between your face and your thighs. “We can’t – we’ll be late.”

“We have ages,” he frowns, shuffling closer and trying to bump your knees apart, but you keep your muscles engaged and he doesn’t pull at them that hard, so they don’t budge.

“We have to get there, too,” you remind him. He throws his head back and sighs dramatically. The neckline of his dress shirt seems to open a little more when he looks back at you, drawing your attention down the length of his neck to his bulging chest, and the muscular forearms that he crosses in front of it.

“And this is why we don’t go out.”

“What, because you’re horny all the damn time?” You tease.

He gently swats at the top of your thigh before soothing it with another small kiss.

“Because when you look this good, how am I supposed to want to go and eat a steak instead?”

He grins up at you from the floor, quite clearly delighted with himself for his little gag. You, however, flop back onto the mattress and cover your face with your hands.

“That was so bad,” you chuckle. You’ve been trying for years to not melt to his very specific sense of humour, but it’s all been completely futile. Your reluctant laughs turn to sweet, breathy giggles by the time he lays both his arms across your legs and rests his chin on top of them. You prop yourself up on one elbow to look at him; he’s staring up at your face like he thinks he’ll never see anything as beautiful as you for the rest of his life.

“Maybe… We don’t have to go out for dinner,” he suggests. “Maybe we can stay in tonight, too.”

“Horndog.” You tsk. But you’re not disappointed at the idea of staying in, either, regardless of whether your teasing implies otherwise. “I knew you’d say that.”

“No — really,” he swallows. You aren’t sure if you can feel his heart beating a little faster where his chest is pressed completely against your shins, or if you’re just imagining it. But the tips of his ears are going pink too, so you think it’s safe to trust your intuition on this one. “I mean-… we don’t have to go. I could-…”

He bites the inside of his cheek before he looks down, pressing his forehead against his arms and hiding his face completely.

“I could do it here.”

He says these words quietly. Mumbles them, really. You aren’t sure if you were meant to hear, or if he was just talking to himself. But either way, it has to be worth a shot to find out.

“What do you mean, Ji?”

One, two, three seconds pass. And… Nothing.

“Hey.”

You bounce your thighs a little so he’s forced to look up at you, and you can see something swimming in his eyes. Something brewing. He sits back from you and pushes a hand through his hair; a few strands lose their stick to the rest of the main body and tumble down over his forehead. Exactly in the way he was trying to prevent.

“I could just do it here.”

He says this louder. Clearer. With much more finality. You sit up properly, then, both your hands clasped together in your lap.

“Do what here, baby?”

His eyes find yours and you sit there for a few moments, unwrapping each other's minds with nothing more than a look and a matching pair of gentle — but slightly concerned — smiles.

He moves one hand down and slips it into the back left pocket of his slacks. You think you can feel the world around you start to slow.

When he shifts a leg from beneath him so he’s on one knee before you and presents you with a glittering diamond ring, it stops altogether.

“Jihoon,” you breathe.

He glances between the ring and you, biting his bottom lip before he speaks.

“I had it-… I had everything planned.” He laughs, looking away from your face as even more rising heat becomes evident on his own. “Down to the second, even. But just like you always do — just like the first time I saw you, and just like every time since… You threw me a curve ball and… Somehow, you’ve changed everything. But you made it so much better.

“I think I was supposed to find you, y/n,” Jihoon says. “I don't know what’s up there, what’s in charge of when we meet the people we meet and why we fall in love with the people we fall in love with. but I know that they were really looking out for me the day you came into my life.”

You can feel your eyes starting to sting at the corners and you will the tears away, desperate not to smudge the makeup you spent so long trying to perfect. You know he’d love you either way — mascara tear tracks and splotchy concealer and all — but…

“I am so in love with you that sometimes, it really hurts. It hurts because I know that no one’s ever going to come close — about anyone in the world — to feeling the way I feel about you. I feel bad for everyone, a bit. Because you’re not-… you're not with them. You’re with me. But I wouldn’t want any of them to be with you, because-... and… and if you’ll have me, I want you to be with me forever.”

You don't know when you started slowly nodding along to his little monologue, but you definitely are. You’re not sure when you started holding your breath either, but that’s two for two. He looks up at you, expectantly, fluttering his eyelashes and stuttering out a long, deep breath.

“Y/n, will you marry me?”

Some decisions, you’ve always thought, are made for you at a cosmic level. Your favourite colours. Your favourite foods. Hot and cold weather people. Loving or hating marmite. A predisposition to enjoying scary movies or being the kind of person who hides behind a pillow.

This is another one of those. You don’t have to think twice about it — you just know. You know because a great unstoppable force managed to squeeze you together at the perfect moment in time; the ever-expanding universe around you has kept you and Jihoon side by side through everything it could possibly throw at you.

“Yes.”

Of course you want to spend your forever with him.

The word leaves your mouth in a whisper and everything flies back into motion. The first black droplet rolls down your cheek. His usually so steady hands fumble with yours to slide the ring over your finger. A perfect fit. You’re hurtling through space and time as he gets up off his knees and cups your cheeks, gently pulling you upright and crashing his lips against yours. You stumble into him slightly in your heels; his kiss is more a chaotic clatter of teeth and giddy laughter than perhaps the intense, romantic gesture he was aiming for, but it’s completely, utterly, unequivocally perfect.

Jihoon’s fancy dress shirt creases under your fingers as you ball it into your fists where the top buttons are spread open, pulling him as close as you can, laughter dying down as he loses himself in you and as you lose yourself in him, right back. He swallows all of your gasps and sighs, hands sliding down from your face to the sides of your neck, until he’s resting a palm on each of your shoulders. A single finger slips beneath one of the straps and he pulls it out of the way, down onto your arm, withdrawing from your mouth so that he can press a series of kisses down your cheek and to your jaw instead.

“Ji,” you murmur, tipping your head back and fumbling at the buttons running the length of his torso, trying and failing to get them open. He chuckles, his other hand coming to rest over yours to stop you. You lace your fingers together, feeling him squeeze. Your heart pounds.

“Let's take our time,” he whispers to you, thumb grazing over your collarbone. “Okay?”

All you can do is nod as he kisses lower, and lower, pressing his lips everywhere he can while he’s still standing. Your neck and shoulders feel ablaze, tickling with the heat of the burning stars his mouth paints across your skin.

“Need-... Ji, you need to-... call… call the restaurant,” you stutter. “Gotta…. we need to cancel…”

The fleeting sting of his teeth against your throat interrupts you and you’re only aware of him reaching behind you to tug the zipper of your dress down when the material falls completely slack..

“In a minute,” he says, helping you walk backwards until your calves collide with the bed behind you once again. He eases you to lie down on the comforter and crawls on top of you, caging you in with both arms, taking hold of your left hand again.

He looks down at the ring on your finger, his entire face breaking into the most brilliant of smiles. Every inch, from the creases at the corners of his eyes to the paling stretch of his beautiful lips.

“My future wife needs taking care of, first.”

– no you won’t need it no more, let’s just kiss ‘til we’re naked, baby.

hehe thank u sm for reading!! i hope you enjoyed this bc it was a bit special 2 me. likes, reblogs, comments + feedback are all, as always, greatly appreciated.<3

#woozi fluff #woozi fic #woozi x reader #lee jihoon fluff #lee jihoon fic #lee jihoon x reader #seventeen fluff #seventeen fic #seventeen x reader #svt x reader #j writes.#*#running off into the void now <3 don't perceive me BYE

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14thgalerie · 9 months

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25 — part 3 (alt/ext. ending)

• pairing: exhusband!james potter x reader

• now playing: scott street by phoebe bridges / this is me trying by taylor swift

• word count: 6.1k

• genre: angst (as expected)

— based on this request, i unconsciously changed up some details as I was writing this but here you go! I'm not really the biggest fan of this as I haven't been feeling up to writing recently

part 1 part 2

There is silence around him, and there is time. For a while, he thinks he has all the time in the world, but the heavens have never been on his side and they never will.

James

It was cruel. To feel the ropes that tightened each day on his beating organ even in his sleep.

Above, a dark navy sky drifts with flurries of clouds, moving in slow motion.

James

When his eyes fluttered open, his vision remained the same of the dark surroundings. Something that was not news to him. The sound of birds chirping outside of the house along with the gentle stream of the river in the distance largely contradicted the condition of his closed-off room.

James

He hears it again. The voice rang through his ears constantly in the past weeks. When he tilts his head to the direction of where it came from, it doesn’t take long for his vision to be filled with warm, hazy hues of orange. Only then did his mind register the light that entered through his swept curtains.

“Darling.” He called so softly that even his ears could barely register the sound.

He leaped up, ignoring the groan of his limbs. He blinks once, twice, and then he says your name. Realising his mistake when he first called you by his preferred call name from when you were still together. “What-” He stammers. “What are you doing back here?”

A brief pause before his eyes widened. “Not that I mind! It’s just- you know-”

You let out an amused exhale. “Yes. Frank let me in and asked that I wake you up myself because he has to rush off for something.” You explain as your eyes kept their focus on the body that was fidgeting across from you.

“Oh! Yeah, he has this appointment for the dentist that Marlene met when she settled in London for a while.” His eyes never stayed far too long on one object, constantly shifting and yet it often settled on you. The red Mary Jane flats that you always wore. Hair that seemed to be a lighter colour than when he last saw you.

“It’s his wisdom tooth, huh? I just got mine removed the other day actually.”

But his eyes never meet yours. They remain fixated on the bump that is poorly hidden beneath your clothes.

A fusillade of questions went through his bewildered mind. Had you already found someone and couldn't help but plaster to his face the future he lost? Was this another image that would haunt him for the rest of his days?

“James.” You call out again. “Can we sit downstairs?”

He nods, unable to articulate a word for he knew it would all be a jumble of syllables.

The sun peeked out from behind the clouds, casting its warm light on his pale hands which sat on his lap. You had decided to sit in the backyard, finding your old home to be too cold and missing the warmth that kissed your skin on the way here. James went ahead while you stayed behind to grab the two cups of tea you had prepared before you went up to the bedroom.

“Hey there, I hope you still like your tea like before.” You gently placed the fragile ceramic on the table in front of him before you sat on the seat beside him.

“Two teaspoons of sugar.” You simultaneously said. His shocked state was broken by the laughter that came over him at your action. You also giggle, especially as you see genuine joy finally creep through his mein.

“So um, I guess I should speak first then.” You say out loud, after taking a sip from your cup. “I’m quite sure you have seen this stomach of mine already earlier. I mean, it’s gargantuan, it would be impossible not to.”

You pause to check on him and see the reaction on his face. To which you received none, for his face remained as blank as a whiteboard on the first day of class.

James couldn’t understand the emotions that waved over him at the worst fear of his coming true. Millions of thoughts shift and begin inside his head, none of them coherent enough to be pierced together. All he knew was that everything within him lost sight and he is left dwindling at your whim.

Breathe. Breathe.

“Yeah, how far along are you now?” He asks, trying to keep his voice still.

He watches as you exhaled heavily, your countenance now similar to his. You bite your lower lip, struggling to keep the flow of your sentences going.

“About five months now.”

James instinctively calculates the months in his mind.

No.

He shakes his head. His eyes plastered intently on the wet grass in front of him.

“She’s yours. Not that I had been with anyone after you.” You reply, knowing it must have been the first question that came to him. Still trying to gauge the thoughts that he could be having. The latter, you muttered under your breath, unsure if he even heard it. So you quickly said something to cover it up. “If I counted right, it would’ve been from the last time we slept together a few weeks before we officially separated.”

The world slows down to an adagio, and he’s all caught up in the moment before he speaks. He heard it. His ears piqued at the words that were laced with a tiny hint of vindictiveness. But he didn’t bother to give it a second thought when his mind was still stuck on one thing. “A girl.” He laughs but it was more in disbelief. The world has apparently not been good to you either, giving you a gift that reminded you of his faults. “I wanted a girl.”

“Yeah.” You say, giving him a huge smile. “I know, and you finally won again.”

Your hands reach out to wrap around his own pair, veiny and cold, a sharp contrast to his. His fingers curl around your fingers, laughing inwardly at his body’s automatic response to your touch. He doesn’t know how this was a win for him. His child would grow up, unknowing of her father who withered away miles away.

He couldn’t accept it. The idea that another person would be taking his place beside you in watching her first steps. Laughing at her incomprehensible mumbles.

“Please,” He nearly shook at the voice that came out of his lips. Surprising both you and him. “Stay.”

He stands, without dropping your intertwined hands, and drops to kneel in front of you. His dark, searching eyes locked onto yours. In the depths of his irises, emotions swirled like a tornado, and in the middle of it all, a man lies.

“I know I said I would not ask any more from you, but that’s the one promise I cannot stand behind. I’ll do better now. Just please, give me this chance and I swear I would forever be by your side.”

You pull your hands away to which you were met with resistance. He relaxes when he feels your arms wrap around him, combing through his dark hair. “Well, it seems you still have that habit of not letting me finish.” You joke. Though it could be seen in your expression, the hesitance, the drawback.

There is no doubt that you were still hurting from the repercussions of your ex-husband’s choices in the past. He couldn’t blame you for it, he is still suffering from it so he could not even imagine the level of your pain.

But before he could see it, you reverted back to your carefree expression as he pulled back to give you a playful glare, his red cheeks still smeared with the trails of his tears. “I was gonna ask you before you interrupted me if you want to give this a chance. An attempt to see if we could do this together. “

You made him stand and sit beside you, which he obediently followed. He finds himself being able to breathe properly again for the first time in a while, the smell of fresh air sifting through his lungs once again. The familiar comfortable weight on his shoulders that took the shape of your head in its place again.

“So, should we kick Remus out of the guest bedroom so we could paint for the nursery?” He jokes as you both silently watch the light blue sky covered with an abundance of clouds that looks so fluffy that you wanted to lay in them.

You burst out in laughter, imagining the look on Remus’ face when he hears of this news. “He might just kick the both of us out when we do that.”

“But uh- I wanted to also ask you if it’s alright that we stay in my apartment instead?” You hesitatingly ask when silence befalls you again. “It’s just the idea in my head that so many things took place in this house that I would rather not be reminded of again.”

His heart clenches once again at the remnants of the consequences of his choices left on you. But he understood where you came from, and frankly, he felt the same. “Whatever you ask, darl- Y/N.”

“You can call me that. Don’t worry.” You assure him, knowing that he was walking on eggshells and you didn't want it to be like that now that you were welcoming this baby to your lives.

“I missed having someone hear me call you by that, darling.” He says. Was this suffering enough for all that I caused her? He asked himself. Was it even close to the hurt and anguish that I have traded for the ceaseless love she untiringly gave to him?

He doesn’t believe it is. He doesn’t even believe that all of what had just occurred in the past hours were real. He was fully expecting to be shaken awake by Remus, with a scowl on his face, muttering about how love is useless and shouldn’t be as needed as it is.

The tides have receded and all is calm and how it was.

James was surprised that you had left for another home miles and miles away. In a place where there is little to no trace of magic anymore. You were a step closer to the future you had always dreamed of.

A life away from the chaos and destruction that your world is currently in.

He doesn’t dwell on this fact any longer, instead taking it as a moment to appreciate that you had accepted him into this life. He remembers, from your trip on the way here, that you instantly got approved to be dismissed for a while from the missions all of you had been taking to ensure your and the baby’s safety.

Although he wasn’t quite as lucky, as he still needs to report back every now and then to perform his duties to the wizarding world. But they must’ve been in a good mood then, to allow him to take less time so as to assist and accompany you before your birth.

“I’ve been working at this cafe around the block.” You mindlessly mention, hanging your coat by the closet as he enters the bright and homey apartment. The natural light that comes in through the large French windows and the balcony lights up the whole place.

“That’s nice, are they treating you any good?”He inquires, wanting to absorb as much information about you as he could. You nod. He rushes back towards his bags which he had left by the stairway when he sees you about to pick them up. “I’ve got it! Why don’t you settle down for a while and rest up from our trip? I don’t want you carrying all this heavy stuff since it could hurt your back.”

You snicker, “I’ve been carrying much more heavy stuff in the past weeks since moving in. I don’t think two duffel bags of clothes will do much damage.”

“Still. I’m here now, and as much as I know you can surely carry this, I don’t want you to. I’m scared for you and the baby.” James worries.

“Yeah, use the baby to guilt me. I can almost see a little girl version of you with a smile so wide asking for things that she doesn’t even care for.” You say, leaning both of your arms on your waist.

He laughs wholeheartedly, “Hmm, I might but I also might not.” Coming forward to pull you down on your cream couch. “Maybe she will grow up to be as nice, loving, and loyal as her mother. I’m sure she’ll be attached to your hip.”

“Yeah right, as if your stubborn ass would allow that to happen.”

He doesn’t reply anymore, instead exhaling an amused breath. The rest of the day was spent in mostly comfortable silence, while the two of you bicker over each song that plays on the radio; he had stood up to turn it on when his eyes glanced at it. Only coming to an agreement when it came to Laufey— a fact that surprised you by a whole lot but also made you the happiest woman on Earth. He laughed when you squealed in excitement. It was like the two of you were back on stage one, a chance to do it all over again. A small movement by his side caught his attention.

Your warm fingers slowly inched in around his hand before enclosing it in the palm of your hand. The soft skin of your hand as it rests on top of his made his heart race in his chest and it takes a moment before James could manage to get a hold of himself. A minute has already passed when he also clenched her hand tight and placed their hands on his lap.

It’ll be a while before everything goes back to the way it is, but he’s got all the patience in the universe.

— Two months later

James had never been so honest in his life than when he promised he would do everything within his power to be there for you and your family. It would be a long and difficult process but even when the two of you are well below 6 feet underground and your daughter has made a life of her own, he would still be at your will.

When the world reached its final stage of collapse, he could do nothing but watch it unfold. He didn’t know when exactly it happened. He was content with the roof that hid the dark sky away from him, in peace with the light you brought him. But when your world is built with the scraps of destruction, it is bound to crash onto you.

It just so happened that it was his that fell off the axis.

James felt that the more he tries, the more he’s losing you. A thought that made him chuckle dryly because it’s so ironic when you lay peacefully asleep in the room you both share. He knew that you also were trying, even forcing yourself to feel the love that was even remotely close to the love that you used to have for him.

It wasn’t to say you felt nothing for him anymore, it was only that it wasn’t what you both expected it to be. It’s just that he is nothing but the father to your child now, not the one you saw yourself spending years alongside.

This wasn’t all simple insecurities for him, he knew it was a fact. He did not mean to, but he happened to overhear a conversation you had with your neighbor who you had become close friends with.

But to him, it didn’t matter. All he wanted was to make you feel loved and safe in his arms.

He feels you nestle your cheek in his arms.

“I’m sorry.”

He hears you mumble in your sleep, he had half a mind to wake you up. But he found himself unable to do so, investing in the way the wind flowing from the open window made your eyelashes flutter.

He studies you carefully. You had all these little intricacies that he would like to believe no one else saw except for him— something of you that he would like to keep to himself. He desires nothing more than to think that no one but him knows about the birthmark behind your ear, nor the scar on your hand from when you scratched yourself while riding a bike.

He longed to have every detail of your being ingrained in the deepest parts of his brain. He wanted to feel the intricate texture of your existence.

“Hi there…” You groggily say.

“Hi.” He leans down to press his lips against yours. You have gotten used to the feeling of connecting your lips to his, but the look in his eyes when he pulled back instantly filled you with a surge of anxiety that made you fully wake up. They reflected a kaleidoscope of emotions— too many to process but what stood out was the misery and acceptance behind it.

“James…”

“I love you.” Yet, he still tried to play his luck.

“James…I kissed someone else, we have to talk about it.“

The cold wind blasts with bitterness as you leave through the large heavy doors of your apartment building. Hugging your cardigan closer to you and holding your tote bag tighter to your chest, you rush towards the supermarket nearest you. James had gone back to meet with Remus and the others after Dumbledore had called them suddenly. Seeing as your plans to go to the park with him had to be put on pause, you decide to finish a few errands.

“Welcome to Flamingo’s!” A staff greets you when you enter. Heading straight toward the long aisles, grabbing whatever item you need, and placing it on the large cart in front of you. A ridiculously large one. Truth be told you were completely baffled at its size when you grabbed it.

But as much as you claim to hate it, you’re having the time of your life; feeling like a child pretending the cart was a formula one car and the aisles were a race track. The lack of shoppers made it all the better because you didn’t have to worry about bumping into anyone. Quickly grabbing your items like they were some boosters from a game as you swiftly went through the aisles. It felt nice to completely let go and just pretend like she’s living as a carefree person, especially with how busy she has been lately.

You had just turned the corner when a sudden yelp brought you out of your daze. You drew your bottom lip in between your teeth at the sound. Scolding yourself for thinking that you wouldn’t accidentally hit someone. You turn to face the person to apologise for your careless actions when a clear, deep voice cut you off before you could even do so. “Y/N? What are you doing?”

His brown hair was damp and pulled back, indicating that he probably took a quick shower before he headed outside. His tall form was clad in a pair of old jeans, a plain white shirt, and a dark hoodie.

“Remus? What are you doing here?” You were confused, you thought when James said he was meeting with the group that Remus was a part of it.

“Grocery shopping?”

The two of you walk-in unison toward the cashier. “Oh, I thought you were meeting up with the rest of the Order.” You mention. “I wasn’t needed when I asked. But James and Sirius were called specifically.” He explains as you were lining up, his hand gesturing for you to go first.

You feel a weird flutter in your stomach all of a sudden. You dismiss it as one of your pregnancy things. With weak legs, you moved forward as the line progressed. Trying to compose yourself before he caught up.

“Why didn’t you call to tell me that you were dropping by?” You ask. Genuine curiosity scratching at your brain. During the time that you and James were still apart, he had been driving up to your place to help you out. He was one of the few people you told of your pregnancy. “I wanted to give you a surprise since it’s been a while since we met up.”

“So, what are you cooking for me today, Chef Lupin?” She observes while taking a quick scan of his basket.

“Bold of you to assume this is for you, lady.” He chuckles. “This is all for baby Olive.”

“For the last time, Rem, I am not naming my baby Olive.”

“Well, even if you don’t, I’m calling her Olive after you made me buy a kilo of olives just to make me eat it instead.” He snarkily replies.

Feeling a warmth creep up on your cheeks, your head shifts away so quickly that you feared you may have gotten whiplash from it. In your movement, you see one of the cashiers' signs for you to move along. Not realizing that both of you had already been at the end of the line. Before you could push the cart, a long arm beats her to it. Your cart gets pushed by your company.

“Stop being a gentleman, you’re gonna make women fall for you.” You jokingly tease him.

You settled beside him, watching the man handle your groceries. Your eyes focused on the screen before you. “Only for you.” A silence ensues at his reply. Remus guffaws at the curl of your upper lips, not even a beat after he said the cheesy line. “But I’m being honest here, I only do it with you. Well, except for the obvious like helping other people when they need it, but I mean that I enjoy helping you. ”

“Why?” You ask incredulously.

“I just do.” He said while crossing his arms over his chest.

But right before either of you could utter a remark again, the man in front of you called the total. “That’ll be $235 in total, should I separate your items?”

You each make a move to give cash first before the other but alas Remus still beats you to it, quickly finishing the task. “Please do, thank you.”

Free food for you, then.

You take a seat provided just a few steps away from the counter, drumming your fingers on the blue plastic chairs beside you. While Remus leans on the hand bar of the cart, patiently waiting for the cashier to finish, occasionally assisting with lifting some items.

Inside your head, as your ears circled in on the sound of the hustle and bustle of the market that had become busy as you were in line, your mind wanders to what it would be like if Remus was the one that you liked back then. The love you held for James was visibly wavering with every moment you had spent with Remus in the aftermath of your divorce, he had willingly helped you out even when you told him not to for fear of being a disturbance to him.

Just as the brunette began to straighten up and pivot the wheels of the cart to face your direction, you shake away the thought. Baffled because this would be a betrayal to James, despite what he did to you.

“Let’s go?” He asks. You nod, taking your place beside him, engaging in some more small talk as you head out the door. If you would call rants about the horrible noise that your neighbour makes in the middle of the night as small talk, however.

The man instantly moves to help you with the bags. Taking four at a time, telling you as he neared to just stay by the trunk and organise each of them to make everything fit. You silently give a nod in agreement, swiftly moving to not make him wait while carrying such heavy items. After all, it’s a relief that you didn’t have to carry all of these all the way back while you were nearly seven months pregnant. Building an efficient system in less than a minute.

The picture of the two of you reminds you of your childhood, watching as your parents do the same before it all went to shit. An air of domesticity is no doubt always felt when you are in their affinity. You stifle a smile that was threatening to form at the thought. You need to stop thinking like this.

The sound of the metal cart clanging as it hits the end of the line clamours in the parking lot. He walks towards you in the hazy yellows and oranges behind him. “That should be it! Should we go or do you need to drop by somewhere else?” He gestures for you to move out of the way of the trunk door, finger pointing to the passenger door which he had unlocked already. You shake your head, quietly replying with the former option.

Prying your eyes away from him, you make your way inside the car. Quickly settling inside the car, although with less ease than you had before as the last time you rode this truck was when you were lighter during your early pregnancy. Emitting a low groan, eyebrows knitted and eyes staring off to nowhere, you lean back and rest your head behind you.

To say you were delighted by the realisations coming to you would be a joke. It was an attraction that you knew should and would never fruition into something more. Accepting it as soon as possible would be right for your mental well-being. But nothing’s ever set in stone and you’re currently sitting in the passenger seat of a friend that you have stared at far more than any normal person would and waiting for him so that he could drive you home.

Stop doing that to yourself, Y/N.

“Are you good?” Worriedly, he asks, “You look like you’re in pain. Have you got a headache or anything?”

You let your eyes adjust to the bright light that enters through the windows, shaking your head from side to side in reply. You force yourself to hold your head up high, locking contact with the gold optics, brightened by the varying hues of the setting sun. Remus flashes a soft grin with his eyes smiling alongside. “I’m glad, but are you sure? I could drive you to the clinic if you want.”

Then and there, all at once, the rest of the world blurred and all that you could see was Remus. Remus, who had granted you the opportunity to be at the receiving end of his care when you really needed it, looked at you with as much fondness as you would others, unknowing that you noticed it. Nothing had existed as beautiful as he was. He smiled and you felt yourself spiraling down deeper into the hole that you had dug and covered over and over again yourself over time.

For once, you feel the apples of your cheeks rise again in true joy; not believing that you could ever feel this way, this happy, ever again and with anyone else.

You reach forward with your arm and grab his face to pull him towards you until you feel the slightly cracked but soft lips pressed tenderly against yours.

The softness of your kiss conveyed a depth of feeling that surpassed the transcendence of words. His hands were frozen by the steering wheel moved to pull her closer, as if afraid that she would slip away.

In the arms of one another, time seemed to lose its meaning and the world outside melted away.

“What do you mean that you know?” You whispered, your voice a trembling echo.

You force your body to sit up and face him properly. Checking over his entire figure, afraid to see one of your biggest fears of hurting him.

It was inevitable and you knew it.

You were on the other side of this only months ago, and despite it all, you had never wished for him to feel the same. It was excruciating.

“Remus told me himself, explained the whole thing.” He explains as he looks down on his lap. His fingers played with the wrinkled fabric of his pajamas. The sight leaves you feeling a sense of deja vu.

“I knew he was going to you back then, at first it was because I asked him to because I was curious how you were doing. But then he started to act differently, describing what was up with you similarly to how I did back when we first started dating.” He explains further.

“I didn’t notice it at first, Sirius did. I thought it was something Sirius made up in his head just to mess me with me again but then when I met up with Remus around two weeks ago, he dropped the bomb on me.”

“I- what did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything. I mean- how could I? I had just heard from one of my best friends that not only did my ex-wife kiss him, one that I am still in love with, might I add, but he also reciprocated it because he wanted to.”

“I don’t know what to say…”

“Right, so can we please forget about this and go back to sleep?” His voice pleaded, cracking with the force of his emotions, desperate for you to meet his gaze and for you to close the distance between you that widened with every second.

“I know this might be just your form of revenge towards me, and I forgive you! I really do! So can we please-“ His voice faltered.

He paced back and forth, his voice breaking with each syllable. “Could we please move on now? Can you please love me again?”

His emotions were laid before you, like vivid paint that once again smears the stark white canvas which had just been replaced. Letting you see all that he could give.

“No, James.” Your response was firm, tone strong to leave nothing for discussion anymore yet it is also strained. The stars shimmer in the clear, night sky bearing witness to the tumultuous end of your love and most of all, your struggles.

“This is unhealthy, I tried. I tried relentlessly to dismiss the blaring warning signals that echoed within me solely so that I never took away your right to be a father to your child. Regardless of all that came between us, she did nothing to receive only half of the affection she deserved.”

Your words were laden with pain, a silent plea for him to stop, to wave the white flag, but his unwavering love was an unstoppable force that consumed him entirely.

“Y/N-“ He started. His voice cracking at the weight of his inadequacy. The inability to give the love she deserves and to be the recipient of hers.

Yet, before he could even begin again, she interjected, speaking into reality the words that would solidify the end of your shared path.

“You are a great man, James. I really do believe that, but I don’t think I can love you anymore like you expect me to. That’s just it.”

“I don’t hold any hatred in my heart for you. I really don’t, even if you make me think otherwise. Nothing will ever change the fact that you were by my side for years, long years where I knew nothing except that I love you. That will never change, and I’ll always care for you albeit it’s taken a different form now.”

He is silent, a sense of defeat in the celestial orbs that once brightened like the night sky.

“You have been an incredible husband, I even dare to call you my soulmate. It’s just that we weren’t bound to last as husband and wife even if we wanted to. God, I wished for nothing more when I first went back home to you that this would work because this emptiness without you was unbearable.”

With a heavy sigh, choked with emotion. “Yet, as painful as it is to hear me say this, I think it was because you were this one constant presence in my life that when I lost you, I missed you so terribly that even when I felt my love for you slowly differ by day, this urge to recapture the past had consumed me.”

In denial, in sorrow, in defeat was his only state at the moment.

“I love you.” His voice was laced with despondency.

He moved to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear before he caressed your cheek as though he were comforted by the mere presence of you right now. He had no answer for everything you had said, as it always is, you were correct.

It only felt that there were a thousand knives being poked through him now as if he were a dummy as he chooses to accept that.

In hindsight, if there were any person who he would’ve stood behind in confidence when it came to you, it would truly be Remus. The two of you were closer than with any of his friends, knowing each other before you had met James.

But it was the knowledge that Remus loves as wholly as one should that assure him that you were in perfectly good hands.

Of all things, he never wanted to force you to do anything, even if it meant that he had to let you go for the second time. This time, however, it hurt so much more because it proved to him that even with a chance, he would never have you back.

The only thing he’s got is one last night with you.

“Y/N?” He meekly calls your name.

You hum in waiting, tired and in pain similar to him. This wasn’t any easier for you, you truly did want to mend this hurdle in your relationship but it simply wasn’t meant to be.

“Can you hold me to sleep one last time? You can leave whenever you want but please let me have one last sleep where I am still yours.” He asks, even if it makes him feel so pathetic, to be asking you for something as small as this.

Without any hesitation, you move to pull him back with you to lie in bed. You wrap your arms around his back as you let your head rest on the top of his, cocooning him with your entire body.

James couldn’t stop his tears from falling.

“Do you know?”

“What, love?”

“There were days that I wouldn’t go out nor would I sleep, I would just sit at the desk and watch outside the window. Outside, there were those tall grasses, who swayed in unison with the records playing in my room, unaware of our differences.” He says. You stare out the window, imagining the view outside your old house.

“The ones we planted flowers on?” You wonder. He nods.

“I sat there till the sun came up and the blossomed into new beginnings, wondering why I haven’t when the only difference was that my sun was in a picture frame.”

You remain silent.

“I love you.” He whispered. The genuineness and remorse are clear in his voice. “I know.”

He picked up the apologetic tone in your voice. The pain in his heart was hollow and deep, striking the centre of the organ and reaching throughout his entire body, throbbing, throbbing.

“Can you say it too? Lie if you have to. I just need to hear it.” He whispers.

“I love you too.” It hurts you, to know that he believes that you have to lie only so he could hear you say the words that seemed so normal back then, words that now feel like you took advantage of. “I love you so damn much, James.”

James could do nothing but quietly sob in your chest until he succumbs to the heavy weight on his eyelids, aware of the fact that in the morning, his only companion would be cold sheets once again.

In the dead quiet of the night, with no one else to hear it, a hum in the tune of Happy Birthday remains the only sound to be heard.

James had only turned 26 when the gravity of his promise had become an ephemeral spencer that despite his earnest desire, had lost all semblance of significance.

masterlist

#harry potter #marauders #james potter #james potter x reader #james potter x y/n #james potter x you #james potter fluff #james potter angst #james potter imagine #james potter fanfic #james potter fanfiction #the marauders

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dinsdjrn · 10 months

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gone, from austin | j. miller | part two

brothers best friend!pre-outbreak!joel x f!reader

summary: Joel Miller: the one that got away; right person, wrong time. Now you’re back in Austin and it hurts just as bad, as if you’d never left five years ago. [w.c. 2.4k]

warnings: 18+ Minors DNI, no use of y/n, light angst, Sarah is alive and well, f!reader, smoking, depression, brief mentions of a mental breakdown, implied cheating (not joel), ex-lovers to lovers, eventual smut, slow burn, lmk if i missed anything <3

💌 a/n: FINALLY a part two? who am i?? anyways not sure how i feel about this story... but i know how i want it to end so ill keep going for that. lmk your thoughts <3

previous part | next part | masterlist

Part two | May 2002

You were a work of art, that’s the hardest part.

It had been three weeks since you had gotten home. You had become more than a bit of a hermit, looking and applying for jobs. You made yourself sparse in the house, you understood everything your brother did was an open invitation to you, but it was easier to disappear. It also gave you time to process, when you left Toronto it was a whirlwind, but now it was a dulling ache. Friends had reached out, wondering where you went, if you were okay. You gave them enough information so they wouldn’t worry, but not enough to come looking for you.

It was Friday morning, just like any other morning, you were searching through medical journals and websites looking for job postings. Search, apply, wait, and wait some more. It wasn’t very thrilling, but it was something to do to keep your head above water.

The alarm on your phone had begun ringing, 10 am, you reached into your desk drawer and took your meds. They filled a hole in your head you hadn’t known was there until you had a small breakdown two years ago. It was something only a few people in your life knew about, it wasn’t something you ever really wanted out there. There was almost a shamefulness to it, no one in Austin knew, and then one person in Toronto who knew about it was no longer welcome in your life. So you move on, continue as you have and hope that your ticket out comes sooner rather than later.

A soft knock came at your door.

“Come in!” You said, closing the desk drawer quickly.

“Hey! Someone is at the door for you,” Kelsey popped her head in and smiled.

You looked down at your Dell Med School t-shirt and Roots sweatpants and laughed lightly.

“Is it anyone important?” You asked embarrassed gesturing to your pajama centered clothing choices.

“I am sure they won’t even notice.”

You sighed and stood up, you lightly stretched and made your way downstairs. Just as the entryway came into view there was Sarah and Joel, Sarah with her backpack on and Joel shifting uncomfortably looking at the floor.

“Hey guys,” you said, smiling at them.

“Hey!” Sarah smiled.

“What’s up? Shouldn’t you be at school already?” You questioned.

“I had a dentist appointment this morning. We just came back to the house to grab my bag, but I wanted to see if you were around tonight,” She swayed, clearly hoping you’d say yes.

“I’m uh-, not sure,” You looked at Joel for guidance but he wasn’t paying any attention to you his sole focus was on Sarah.

“I just really wanted to have that sleepover you promised! My dad is going out tonight and suggested it would be a good time for us to hang out and -“

“But only if you are available and want to,” Joel interrupted.

“Oh, yeah! That sounds like it could be fun. Why don’t I come over around 5ish and we can order some pizza?” You smiled at her.

It would be much more comfortable without Joel there, you had felt like you were walking on eggshells when he would pop over to have a beer with Jake or help Kelsey fix things around the house.

Joel nodded.

“Alright baby girl, time to get you to school,” he began shuffling Sarah out the door.

“See you tonight!” Sarah called over her shoulder.

You waved at her in response and when the door clicked closed you pinched the bridge of your nose.

“You know, she really did miss having you around,” Kels leaned against the doorway behind you.

“I know,” You sighed, “I just don’t know what I’m getting myself into.”

“What do you mean? You’ve known her since she was just a little kid. You’re not getting yourself into anything except maybe forgiving yourself for hurting her.” Kelsey said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You don’t fucking get it! This isn’t a permanent solution. I can’t stay, I don’t belong here anymore! I don’t want to get her hopes up that I might by hanging out with her and letting things go back to the way they were. That will just hurt her again.” You snapped, a pang of annoyance in your chest.

“You being here and ignoring her, it hurts them both. You can talk a big game about how you don’t belong here, but this is your home, your family. I don’t know what happened between you and Joel, but it is clear he still cares about you. Is staying really the worst thing? At least thinking about it?”

“They are not my family, you and Jake absolutely are. And you’re right, maybe this was home once, but it’s not anymore. All that’s left is a permanent scar of what could have been. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” You turned to walk up the stairs.

Kelsey came and put her hand over yours on the railing.

“Look I’m sorry if I overstepped. I only want to see you happy,” Her voice was soft and apologetic.

You just nodded in response and made your way back up the stairs, once in your room you made your way to the bed and cried into your pillow. You knew the love for Austin was there, it had always been there, but so was the hurt. The pain would always be there too, it painted your soul in blues and grays. That’s the hardest part, how beautifully life painted your anguish here.

The day came and went quickly, and you felt unprepared for your sleepover with Sarah. You knew it would be nice to hang out, do face masks and watch a few movies, but your anxiety was palpable. You were worried it would feel like grasping at a life you could’ve had, but were strictly denied.

You made your way next door around five and before you could even knock the door had swung open and Sarah was pulling you inside.

“You’re here! Finally, I’ve been thinking about what we could do tonight all day. Dad said he would call a few pizzas in, we went to CVS after school too! I got nail polish, face masks, and some weird snacks,” Sarah spoke excitedly.

It gave you a bit of whiplash, barely able to even get in a few “Alrights” or “Sounds Fun”’s in.

“Woah, woah, Sarah slow down,” Joel said as you made your way into their living room.

He was sitting on the couch in a black t-shirt and Levis, his hair was wet and the messy ways were pushed off his forehead. He was still so devilishly handsome, he never tried too hard with his looks, but that didn’t mean he didn’t look good; it arguably made him more attractive.

“A’right, I’m going to get outta here,” He put his hands on his lap and made his way to stand, “Tommy is gonna be here any second.”

“Dad, did you remember to order pizza?” Sarah asked with a hint of annoyance.

“Oh shit,” he felt his pockets pulling out his phone, “I’ll call on the way over to the bar.”

“Don’t worry about it, Joel. I’ll get it,” You smiled softly at him, pulling out your own phone.

“Y’sure?” He asked.

“Yes, yes, she’s sure, now, go have fun. We have a very important girls night to get started on.” Sarah shooed her father toward the door.

Joel just laughed and rolled his eyes, you shrugged in response.

As soon as you heard the door shut Sarah came rushing back to the living room.

“Sorry, he’s a mess,” Sarah laughed.

“I can see that nothing has changed,” You laughed with her.

You both fell into a comfortable conversation, it was nice to see Sarah so happy. She was completely different then when you had left, yet somehow exactly the same.

The night was spent watching cheesy rom-coms, doing face masks and nails, and eventually Sarah had fallen asleep in her pajamas on the couch. It was nearly one in the morning, you placed a blanket over her small frame and began quietly tidying the living room.

The night had warmed your heart in a way you weren’t sure you’d be able to feel again. Sarah was such a light in your life for so long, and now she was turning into this beautiful and kind teenager. You had talked all about her school, Joel and Tommy’s shenanigans, and what’s been happening around Austin. She didn’t push you though, you had talked about Toronto and being away from home without delving into any fresh wounds.

It was nice, it felt good to know when you left it wasn’t your last memory of Sarah. You worried for years it had been and you’d have to watch her grow through the lens of your brother, but here she was in the flesh.

You sighed, putting the leftover pizza in the fridge and pouring any extra soda from your glasses down the drain. You went and checked on Sarah after you had finished cleaning up to make sure she was still sleeping. She hadn’t even stirred, so you took this as the best opportunity to step outside and have a smoke.

It wasn’t something you were proud of, but was something that you would normally only do after particularly stressful days. Today would classify as one, you didn’t like fighting with Kels. That, plus the anxiety of coming to the Miller’s and not knowing what to expect, warranted a need to de-stress.

You made your way into the backyard, only closing the screen door in case Sarah woke up, and placed a cigarette between your lips. Just as you were searching through your bag for a light a voice startled you.

“Hey, I didn’t know you smoked?” Joel.

Fuck, you knew he probably wouldn’t have been much later, but it felt pathetic to be sneaking a cigarette on his back porch.

“Not often, but you’d be surprised how common it is in healthcare.” You said finding the lighter and lighting the end.

He looked at you for a moment, and you realized maybe he didn’t want you smoking on his back porch.

“Oh, shit sorry, you okay if I-“

“Oh, yeah, I don’t really care,” he hurried before you could finish your question.

“Cool,” you said.

The silence grew uncomfortable between you two.

“I, uh, didn’t mean to startle y’a there,” Joel said.

“Oh,”

“I just saw the light on and wondered if you were out here.”

“And here I was…”

“Here you were,” He shifted, “You always loved it back here. Sitting looking up at the stars after Sarah went to bed.”

“Yeah, I think I missed the stars the most while I was in Toronto,” you sighed.

“I always thought they’d’ve had more stars up there,” he looked up at the sky.

You had finished about half of the cigarette and put it out, it wasn’t doing anything for you at the moment except make you want to shower.

“Not in the city, it was like a shitty, colder, New York,” You laughed.

Joel chuckled at your comment. He came closer to you and leaned on the railing of the deck with you. It felt almost suffocating, he was so close to you and it felt so intimate.

“Y’know, we’re really happy you’re here,” He said quietly.

“Joel, don’t…” you warned.

“I mean it, Sarah never stopped asking about you. She missed you, this girl's night made her whole year.”

“Joel, please,” you whispered, tears welling in your eyes. You already carried so much guilt for leaving Sarah with nothing but a goodbye. You knew he was trying to comfort you but he was crushing your soul with guilt instead.

“I’m sorry darlin’ I just… always asked myself what if things were different. Where we would be, how would Sarah be different if you had stayed,”

His words ignited a fire within you, one that burned in anger and resentment. Who was he to ask what if, when he gave no choice in whether or not you had a chance at finding out.

“We could talk about maybes and what ifs until we’re blue in the face, it doesn’t turn back time. Doesn’t change anything between us. You made a choice, Joel, and so you don’t get the what if’s,” You snapped.

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

“I’m allowed to wonder,” He retorted. “You weren’t the only one hurt, y’know?”

“Well guess what, I wasn’t the one that wanted out when things got a little bit complicated.”

“Wanted out? You think I wanted out?! Fucking Christ, I didn’t want to hold you back. I have no choice but to stay in Austin, letting you go meant that you wouldn’t be tied down here!” His voice was quiet, but he was clearly irritated.

“I didn’t need you to let me go, I’m very capable of making my own choices. And if I had chosen to stay I needed you to tell me everything would be okay.”

You weren’t speaking in a hushed tone like he was. You were frustrated, angry, he had completely backtracked on your breakup. Tears stung your eyes, you were frustrated and confused.

“I’m done talking about this, Joel,” You said, wiping the tears away from your eyes. “You said your piece five years ago, and nothing is going to change that.”

You turned to head back inside, now that he was here you’d be able to walk back over to Jake’s and go to sleep. Make an attempt at forgetting this conversation ever happened and pretend your night ended with you and Sarah asleep on the couch.

Joel grabbed your wrist before you got too far.

“Please, just let me explain.” He pleaded.

You pulled your wrist from his grip and left as promptly as you came.

Your chest was tight and it was as if you could feel your heart shattering all over again into a million little pieces. The ghost of his love haunted you for years. He was still the same man you fell in love with, that much was certain. In that, it also meant, he was still the same man who broke your heart.

And that was a risk you were not willing to take.

To spiral out, to try and float, to see a friend, to see a ghost.

tags: @thetriumphantpanda @fruit-frogs @wand-erer5 @missgurrl @casa-boiardi @harriedandharassed @undrthelights @wishyoudaskme @reader-without-a-story @morning-star-joy @tightjeansjavi & once again sorry if i missed anyone or lmk if youd like to be on the taglist xo.

#joel tlou #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller au #joel miller x you #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller angst #joel x reader #joel miller series #joel miller self insert #joel miller story #joel miller smut #pre outbreak!joel

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teekays · 1 month

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as a teeth fan who in the nhl has your favourite teeth?

i was thinking about your call for more teeth posts earlier this week and like… had not previously given it much thought but mo seider has some good gnashers on him

i cannot even begin to tell you how special it was to me to see this ask after an insanely busy day at work.... physically i'm at my house mentally and emotionally i'm drinking from a coconut on the beach. because of this ask <3 thank you.... ANYWAY! disclaimer of two things: my definition of Good Teeth is different from the standard idea of Good Teeth and also this is in no way comprehensive and totally based on My Guys!!! maybe they're hiding a guy with really good teeth on like, the blues or something idk

top of my list Forever and Always..... i would scream it from the rooftops... from the highest mountains... i would purchase billboard space to tell everyone about this. KENT JOHNSON HAS SOME OF MY FAVORITE TEETH EVER ‼️‼️‼️ i routinely spend time just zooming in on picture's of kj's teeth. they're everything to me. little miss overbite.... i would give ANYTHINGGGG to get up close and personal and just Look.....

they make me insane and they are Perfect to me <3 if kj ever does anything to his teeth that will be like 500 9/11s to me

i also REALLY love tk's tiny little row teeth.... i want to lick them.... who said that . anyway. they're veryyyy cute and charming and if teeth can fit your personality, tk's absolutely fit his!!! just little and cute....

additionally i do have to give a shoutout to PRE VENEERS SIDNEY CROSBY.... the dentist responsible for that should never feel safe knowing that i am out there. works of art Wasted... Thrown away....

i miss you every day........

some honorable mentions: henry thrun's little bunny teeth, jamie drysdale's little bunny teeth, morgan frost's whole deal, seth jarvis (honestly just a fan of his whole weird face/mouth situation. he looks like if they turned a puggle into a real boy but like, didn't really try a lot to conceal he was a puggle), and pre veneers steve yzerman <3

#thank you...#asks

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adventuresasmrsfindley · 2 months

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I had the hardest time waking up this morning. I'm sure that was partially DST, partially the tequila from Saturday night 😂 but once I got up and going I felt great! Our master shower was atrocious and I've been meaning to scrub it down for a while so I finally tackled that. Which turned into cleaning the whole house. Sorry, work! Luckily I didn't have much going on today in that aspect. The house feels sooo good! Truly nothing better than a warm day, the sun shining, windows open and a clean house.

Logging off at 3 and then going to wash my car and vacuum it out and take the boy to the park. He starts a ninja class at the gymnastics studio tonight! His little twin friends from the neighborhood are signed up for the class too. We are becoming pretty close with that family and I love it! So convenient having friends that live so close and are in the same season of life. The parents came out for my bday dinner so it was fun to introduce them to our other group of friends. And then we went to their house last night and barbecued and let the boys play. I foresee a really fun summer with them!

I, once again, have gone too long without going to the dentist and one of my back teeth is starting to bother me. P sure I have a cavity or maybe multiple 😭 dreading making that appointment. I reallllly need to get my life together in that aspect and go routinely like I'm supposed to but I just freaking hate the dentist so much!!! I would rather get 10 Pap smears than go there lol

Hope everyone's week is off to a great start! Oh and thanks for all the birthday wishes over the weekend 💜 love my little pocket fam.

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copperbadge · 2 years

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I had an eye exam yesterday and they are So! Much! More! Pleasant! than they used to be. I was never afraid of the dentist or reluctant to go (I had really, really good pediatric dentistry) but I hated eye exams passionately. I hated the blue thing that touched your eye and the air puff thing and having to have drops put in for dilation. The dilation was fine, it was the drops I hated.

Anyway now they do it all with digital scanners and I got to look at a 3-D model of my own eyeballs. Pretty sweet. And the good news is that I don’t have binocular vision disorder, and still don’t need bifocals. My prescription has had to ramp up a little, but other than that I’m fine.

I ended up getting one set of new frames and a paper copy of my prescription, so I’ll have one nice, slightly pricey new set, and I’ll order a second super cheap set online at some point.

My optometrist, who is new to me, asked me “So what made you choose us?” and I said, “Well, you’re close by -- I used to walk past your office every day on the way to work -- and also you always have a Pikachu wearing glasses in your window” which cracked him up. He collects stuffed Pikachus and he told me to keep a lookout, his sister’s boyfriend is proposing to her this coming week and he’s considering putting Pikachus dressed like a bride and groom in the window.

#chicago #he's chicago polish #and the chicago polish are a very specific kind of delightful

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dearfuturehusbandblog · 19 days

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ZMAN CHEIRUSEINU aka "I'M the terrible communicator!?!?!?!!"

Dear Future Husband,

I hope nobody ever quizzes me on this blog because there are so many things that I've started and stopped writing that never got posted that I literally never remember what I've actually put here...

Not that that's really fully relevant to what I was thinking about writing now, but I currently have two unfinished posts in my drafts folder (amidst 25 others that will probably never get posted) that are just a recap of this year so far.

Because I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare.

Explaining what's going on right now is kind of problematic because I haven't provided the lengthy backstory yet (which is one of the drafts I have yet to finish...)

Suffice to say, MotherLivelyHeart is being a nightmare to me again.

I think I've shared before that MLH and I share a vehicle? If not... yeah, we share a car. I'll have to look through my posts to see if I've explained that situation before, because that's one more thing to check off the "my life absolutely f*ing sucks" list.

Usually this isn't the worst thing in the world because we operate on different schedules and there isn't much crossover when it comes to who needs the car when, and when there is I usually drop her off somewhere, do what I need to do, and pick her up after.

For the record, I HATE when she offers the opposite because I have a history of being abandoned in places waiting for her to pick me up and it gives me such severe anxiety.

So last week on Sunday I asked MLH what her plans were for the next day. I asked this because I overheard a phone call she received on Friday from the dentist's office about an appointment she had on Monday at noon that she hadn't told me anything about and I knew if I was going to ever find out she was going to take the car, I would have to be the one to ask her. So I asked. And wouldn't you believe it, she had a dentist appointment on Monday at noon! Shocker.

Now, I'd been out of work since the beginning of January (again, details will hopefully be in another post) so I had a lot to take care of at work last Monday and I told her that.

We agreed she would have the car for her appointment and I would take the car to work when she got home.

Come Monday afternoon, suddenly everything has changed.

You see, her boss called in sick and she had the day off because she has a specific job that requires her to work alongside her boss and if he doesn't work, she doesn't work.

So she had the day off. Joy.

Of course, did she tell this to me directly? No.

Did she message me this information? No.

I'm just supposed to approach her and ask, "hey, did your boss call in sick and give you the day off?" I guess.

So she went to her appointment and ran some errands and called me while she was still out. Apparently some specific water bottles she can only get in like two places were available at one store about 20 minutes away from our house and she placed a pickup order so she could get them before they were sold out. The order had to be picked up between like 2:30-3:30pm and she called me at around 1:30.

Great.

She picked a pickup time that was directly during the time I was supposed to be at work.

Which she knew.

Because I told her this literally the day before.

So I told her fine. She should do the pickup order and when she got back I would take the car to work.

"Well, I also wanted to go swimming."

*Deep breath* Ok, what time is swimming?

"From 2-9pm."

At this point I didn't know how long I'd be at work because one of the things I had to take care of could be like 4-6 hours and I didn't know if there would be enough time when I was done to get home and let her get to the pool with enough time to swim before they closed.

"Ok, well why don't you go swimming, do the pickup order, and then I'll take the car to work?"

"Well, I want to come home and eat something first."

Ok. So now, what was supposed to be my time to take the car is going to be "stolen" by her coming home (15 minutes), eating something (15 minutes), going to swim (40 minutes), getting the pickup order (30 minutes), and coming back home (20 minutes).

This is TWO HOURS off of my time.

WHICH I HAD TOLD HER I NEEDED LITERALLY THE DAY BEFORE.

So she came home, ate something, and changed into her bathing suit. She left around 2pm for the pool.

I assumed at this point I'd hear from her around 3:30pm that she was around the corner.

But 3:30 came and went.

4:00pm came and went.

4:30pm came and went.

5:00pm came and BigSis messaged that she would be done at work in an hour and could either of us give her a ride home?

MOTHERF@*$%^#$ER

So it's been three hours without an update from MLH, but then she responds "I should be on my way back from the pickup order then."

EXCUSE ME!?!?!?!

She left for the pool at 2pm. THREE HOURS have gone by and she hasn't even gotten the pickup order that was supposed to be picked up between 2:30-3:30pm!?!?!?!!?!?

But she tells me that I'M a terrible communicator.

I was supposed to get the car by 1:30pm latest. It was now after 5pm and I STILL hadn't gotten to work yet.

As much as I hate when she offers to drop me off at work so she can take care of things that will take a few hours, SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME THAT. She made it seem like I would have the car all afternoon to take care of what I needed to at work. And when her plans shifted, she made it seem like I'd have the car by 3:30pm latest.

And let me remind you THAT I TOLD HER THE DAY BEFORE WHAT MY SCHEDULE WAS SO THAT THIS S*** WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

But I'M the terrible communicator.

At that point I was so frickin annoyed already. MLH messaged me "should I get her or just come home" and I was so peeved I said "just get her because if you come home and I take the car I'm not picking her up."

She didn't respond to that message.

Great.

No thumbs up. No "ok." Just nothing.

Then at 6:12pm I get a message from her "car's downstairs in front."

So no message from BigSis that MLH had picked her up and they were heading home. No "we're around the corner." No nothing except over an hour later "take it."

BUT I'M THE TERRIBLE COMMUNICATOR!?

At that point it was too late for me to do some of the things I needed to take care of for work because, again, I was supposed to have been there FIVE HOURS EARLIER. And a friend messaged and asked if I could go with her to Costco, so I said to hell with it and I went to Costco with her.

While I was at Costco I messaged both MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis about what I was getting so we were all on the same page. Included in that message was eggs because, well, I was getting eggs.

I got home at like 10pm and MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis were already asleep. I made a couple of mini salami kugels with some spinach that oddly floated to the top, waited for them to cool, tried 1/4 of one before sticking them in the fridge.

Next morning I open the fridge and there's a new carton of 1.5 dozen eggs. Because apparently MLH went to the supermarket early in the morning and got eggs because "we were out."

DESPITE ME LITERALLY MESSAGING THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT I WAS BUYING EGGS AT COSTCO.

Oh, but it gets better. Because the salami kugel I had tasted the night before was missing.

BigSis was working from home so I asked her about it and she said she had no clue.

So I asked MotherLivelyHeart about it, thinking maybe it slipped out of the fridge, smashed, and she threw it out.

But no.

Guess who ate it.

Yep, the woman who has been suffering from gout and avoiding meat for the better part of a year.

The woman who saw it in the fridge and said to herself "oh, that's one of the broccoli kugels LivelyHeart made for herself for Shabbos that she said wasn't good. I guess I'll eat that for breakfast without asking her if she really doesn't want it because although she's on a weird diet right now, there's no way she's made a meal plan for herself that includes this food item she made for herself."

Because, did she message me to ask if she could have it?

Nope.

Did she knock on my door to ask if she could have it?

Nope.

Halfway through eating it she realized it was salami.

And she still finished the whole thing.

And still at NO POINT did she message me AT ALL to even tell me that she ate it.

I had to find out by inquiring OF HER.

BUT. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR!?!?!?!

I shouldn't be mad.

It's just food, after all, right?

Except that it's not.

It's a frickin pattern of carelessness and disregard for me as a person.

And I'm so frickin sick of it.

I'm so damn tired.

It wouldn't have killed her to ask.

It wouldn't have killed her to apologize.

And what I haven't really explained here (because again, that's in a draft post) is that I've been on an elimination diet since January 1st which has cut most things from my available food selections.

But is she on an elimination diet?

Nope.

So we have a HOUSEFUL, a PANTRYFUL, and a FRIDGEFUL of food she can eat.

And she chooses the ONE thing I made FOR ME.

Which she KNEW I made for ME.

Instead of the MYRIAD OF THINGS that she can eat that I can't.

Which means that she's not only taken a meal from me, but now I'm at a food deficit from the fridge while she lives in abundance.

BUT. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR.

So let's leap forward to today.

Today was Shabbos mevorchim. Pesach is in two weeks.

And MotherLivelyHeart decided we are going to change over the kitchen two weeks ahead this year.

So she scheduled her cleaning lady to come tomorrow (Sunday) to help clean the kitchen so it can be turned over.

Did she take into account that this would be motzei Shabbos and that we'd have to make Shabbos and that would involve dirty dishes and use of the stove/oven and pots and pans?

Yeah, no.

Did she take into account that the way she wants to clean the oven requires the oven to be self-cleaned before and after which takes a good several hours and creates so much smoke that we'd have to keep the windows open and also it's like 40F right now and she also wanted to go to sleep early because the cleaning lady is coming at like 8am?

Yeah, no.

BigSis went over the oven cleaning thing with her and she exclaimed "are you kidding me?! Then why am I having the cleaning lady come tomorrow?!"

BECAUSE YOU SCHEDULED HER WITHOUT CONSULTING US.

BECAUSE THERE WAS NO COMMUNICATION.

DO YOU SEE A FRICKIN THEME HERE!?!?!!?

Oh, but there's more. Because there's always more.

Thursday was another nightmare day for various reasons. One of which was that I ran errands with MotherLivelyHeart.

She scheduled an appointment for smackdab in the middle of the time I told her I'd be working.

YES. AGAIN.

And she wanted to drop me off at work and pick me up when I was done.

Well absofrickinlutelynot, thankyouverymuch.

I was supposed to work until 6pm.

I had told customers I would be available until 6pm.

Her appointment was scheduled for 6pm.

So of course "I need the car at 5:30pm."

She wanted to drive me to work earlier so that she could take the car at 5:30pm to her appointment that wouldn't be done until 7pm and then come get me an hour and a half after I was done working.

But I was supposed to trust that she wouldn't run errands or dilly dally around and that she'd actually get me at 7:30pm, which we know is never the case.

So I told her no, I'd be taking the car to work. But I would notify the customers I'd only be there until 5:30pm, at which point I'd get her and drive her to her appointment. Then while she was in her appointment I could do the Shabbos shopping, since it seemed pointless to have to wait for her to come home again before I could go out and shop.

For various reasons, we had three stores we needed to go to, one of which was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of where her appointment was. I figured I could go there first, then on my way back to get her I could run by the other two stores, get her and then we'd go straight home.

But no.

Because it was raining and people apparently don't know how to drive in the rain. So despite me taking the highway, which should have cut like 10 minutes out of the ride each way, it took me about 30 minutes to get to that first store, which I was in for maybe 10 minutes, and as I was checking out MLH messaged "my appointment is almost over, where are you at?"

So all I had time for was turning around and going straight to get her.

Which, fine, whatever.

One of the stores we went to literally just for chicken.

And it was chicken for her because she wanted a specific type of breaded chicken for Shabbos.

So I figured I'd run into the store and grab it while she stayed in the car.

But no.

Because while I was unbuckling, she was unbuckling. Because she decided to come in.

So she went to look at side salads and I went to the chicken section where I waited but she never showed up.

Then I get a message from her.

"Where are you?"

Excuse me???? WHERE ARE YOU, WOMAN???

I told her I was at the chicken section waiting for her and she said "I already checked out. I'm going back to the car."

WE LITERALLY WENT TO THIS STORE TO BUY HER CHICKEN.

SHE CAME IN WITH ME.

PRESUMABLY TO BUY HER CHICKEN.

But she's checked out already!? WITH WHAT!?

Oh. Apparently something to eat. Because she's hangry.

Which she, OF COURSE, DID NOT TELL ME.

Fine. Whatever.

So I bought her frickin chicken.

And then on the way home she got mad at me about three driving-related things that were out of my control (like the car started making a weird noise that might be the muffler, and there was a huge pothole I couldn't avoid, and I was coming to a stop at an intersection when some lady rounded the corner quickly and we barely missed colliding...) which resulted in her yelling at me that she hates the way I'm driving.

So, yeah, that was a fun ride home.

*EYEROLL*

Anyway, on the way to her appointment she said "we never worked out a Shabbos menu."

I told her the same thing I've told her almost every week over the last three months: I'm eating differently from you guys, so you just tell me what you want and I'll grab it from the store, because I already have set aside what I'm going to eat.

And she tells me "my boss has off tomorrow, so I can cook."

Which is perfectly fine in my eyes because I'm still recovering from an injury (again, that's one of the drafted posts...) and I also had a horrendous cold for the previous two weeks so I'm still trying to get back to baseline. Any pressure off me is appreciated.

We basically worked out that for shabbos we'd do a big soup for Friday night (which I would make), then she wanted chicken (obvs) and I had bought green beans at Costco I told her she could have, and then Shabbos lunch would be fish and salady stuff.

Well, Friday rolls around.

The day already sucked because I tried adding some vegetables back into my diet during the week that are apparently problematic for my digestion. Fun.

But then MotherLivelyHeart decides to stick to her arbitrary Pesach cleaning schedule which says to clean the milchig dishes she's had piling up all week. So of course she decides to do this at like noon and doesn't finish the job and there are still milchig dishes in the sink at 3pm when I need to go in and make the soup.

Add onto that, one of my "chores" is the pareve dishes, some of which have been piling up too and also need to be done, which she feels the need to remind me of, despite her milchig dishes still filling the sink.

So I go in around 3pm and just start cooking, using the small bit of counter space that's available to me.

She decides that's the perfect time to finish the milchig dishes.

FINE. WHATEVER.

She gets them out of the way and reminds me YET AGAIN about the pareve dishes.

FINEWHATEVER.

So around 4pm I'm back in the kitchen, doing the pareve dishes, of which I only got about half done because it was causing pain and I still had to cook.

So I pivoted and did the soup.

But nothing else had been cooked yet.

So I made the green beans.

And I had to separate the soups so I could add things to theirs that I can't eat.

At this point I'm still annoyed from her the day before, my insides are so unhappy with the newly tested foods, I'm in pain from the injury, and I'm trying to cook for Shabbos.

Around 6pm I asked BigSis if she could help with the chicken. She was like "I STILL HAVE TO SHOWER!!!" As though she didn't have all day for that and somehow me needing help is my fault. She said "if you had asked me like three hours ago I could have done it."

Except that three hours ago, the milchig dishes were still filling up the sink, so.... what exactly do you expect from me!?

Sometime a little earlier when MotherLivelyHeart had been in the kitchen it was clear I wasn't doing so well and she asked what was wrong and I described the pain and she was like "I'm sorry" and then disappeared.

So then she gets a "20 minutes to candle lighting" alarm on her phone, and she's been trying to light early in zchus of the hostages and chayalim, so she calls out "20 minutes to licht benchen." Which I responded to but she didn't hear, obviously, because she yelled again "LivelyHeart, did you hear me!?"

To which I responded an annoyed "YES!!" and she was like "you don't have to talk to me that way! I clearly didn't hear you. And BigSis and I can make Shabbos on our own, you know."

Which, MYGODWOMAN. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.

My responsibility based on our conversation was the soup.

ZE HU.

SHE was supposed to do the chicken and the green beans and whatever else they wanted.

So now she's annoyed at me because I'm annoyed at her for not doing the thing she was supposed to do, but I'M the one in the wrong.

FINE. Whatever.

In the end I didn't do the chicken.

I literally didn't have the strength for it, let alone the energy.

Not that it was really missed at the meal, but she was a bit annoyed and gave me that same "BigSis and I can cook for Shabbos on our own, you know." To which I responded "You said you were going to cook." I literally don't even remember what her response was.

Well, fast forward through Shabbos to tonight because I asked her if she wanted the chicken for melava malka or if we should stick it in the freezer for a week since it's KFP.

She wanted it for melava malka.

Which, fine, whatever.

I told her if she could bread it, I would cook it.

She got gloves, she got bowls, she got the chicken, and she got eggs.

She did not get the other ingredients she needed for the breading. Or a plate to put it on. Or a fork.

She sat down at the table and then asked me to get the other ingredients.

Which, fine. Whatever.

I got an interesting piece of mail that I'll discuss in another post when I know more what's going on with it, but it basically called my attention to research something. So I was on my computer off to the side while she was breading the chicken.

The next thing I know, she's frying the chicken.

I went into the kitchen and asked her why she was frying it when I told her I would do it for her since cooking usually exhausts her, and she got all frustrated and exasperated at me and said something like "I DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT TO WAIT FOR YOU."

And I was like, "what are you talking about!? I was waiting for you to finish breading it! you didn't tell me you were done!"

Which just pissed her off more.

BECAUSE. I'M. THE. TERRIBLE. COMMUNICATOR.

But this is the time of year we celebrate freedom, right?

This is the time of year we thank Hashem for rescuing us from a horrible situation.

Well, where's mine?

We're supposed to celebrate every year as though WE ALL left Mitzrayim.

As though we were ALL saved.

But I am not saved.

I have never been saved.

The stupidity I've just described above is just a piece of the insane patterning of my entire life.

I have no escape from this nonsense.

And I'm just so done with all of it.

I want it all to be over.

I want it all to go away.

Where's my freedom?

Where's my salvation?

I really have to finish those other two drafts, because this isn't even the clearest picture of what I've been dealing with since 2024 started. It's barely April and I just want this secular year to be over.

There are a couple of people who have suggested guys to me over the last several months and, although they're not really what I'm looking for, right now I just don't have the emotional energy for a new relationship. I'm just so burned out from this one that I deal with every frickin day of my stupid life, which of course I can't even tell these people.

So... dear future husband, I hope you can hang in there, because I don't know when I'll be ready for you.

But maybe by then I'll be a good communicator.

-LivelyHeart

And now for the story after the story:

So, after that disaster of a drive back from the store on Thursday night, we got home around 8:30pm and although she got something small to eat from that second supermarket I knew that MotherLivelyHeart hadn't eaten anything since lunch so when I made dinner for myself I made a second bowl for her. I brought it to her and she said "oh... you didn't have to do that." Not a lot of enthusiasm there.

She didn't eat it for about a half an hour, by which time it was probably cold, and the next thing I knew, she was in bed going to sleep without another word about how it was.

Now, I don't demand praise or feedback for anything I cook, but she usually makes a comment about whatever I make, so I found it odd that she was silent on the matter.

On Friday I went to ask her about something else and while I was talking to her I asked how her dinner was the night before and she said something along the lines of, "it was... interesting. ground chicken just doesn't cook well, it's not your fault. you prepared it well, it's just not that good. ground turkey is better."

No "thank you," no "it was sweet of you to think of me," no "I appreciate the effort especially considering that you're working through the pain right now."

Just meh.

I love when I'm appreciated.

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