#depersonalization ment

[fates-theysband]

also FUCK grizz's little gutpunch in the intro wigged me out so bad that i had to take a moment and listen to some tunes and let me tell you that starting with a song that has the fucking line "dead from the neck up, but living just enough to beg you, 'pretty boy, please let me die'" after hearing a Really Cruel Joke of kian using his last moments of lucidity before going full bug to beg rolan to kill him was. Not my best idea.

#bayouposting #suicide cw #kinda? #depersonalization ment #sssssshit's fucked man

[penofdamocles]

> He thought he could risk just one night of sleep. He thought maybe it had been long enough, maybe he’d dream of something else this time, something less painful, but no amount of time is ever going to be long enough for him to forget, it never is, and he’d lived it all again behind his eyes, trapped there by magic that was supposed to bring him peace. 

Torture at demonic hands, uncontrollable pain while they all laughed, they laughed at and played with him, their victim, their toy. Their pleading, helpless, worthless toy to have fun with as his screams went unheard. Throwing his charm across the room in his sleep still wasn’t enough to save Mads from reliving the moment after he awoke as well, feeling the ghostly aches all over his body and the hollowness inside him where a person had been before the demons tore it apart for their own entertainment. 

Despite the heavy draw on his emptying soul to just go quiet and still, the panicked parts of Mads that still know how to call for help when he can scramble to call Honey, after just a few hours apart, to let them both sleep, he should’ve never let himself believe he could sleep, not peacefully, not painlessly. It takes a few tries with shaking hands and an alternate number to wake her up, while he continues to fade from himself, by the time she answers the phone he can’t even bring himself to speak. Toys don’t speak. Their words don’t matter. It’s like the words are locked in his throat. He has to hang up and switch to text, but the moment he has permission the angel goes to her. Undressed, unadorned, nearly unmade and entirely undone, vulnerable in his pain as he stumbles into her arms.

She holds him, holds his hand, tells him he’s real, as he tries desperately to feel something of himself besides pain, she protects him from those he still sees using him in his mind’s eye. His grip is too tight, a desperate cling to the only safety he has, his lifeline out of the hell his mind has returned him to. 

As time goes by, as comfort is whispered, tears are painfully shed and gently dried, Mads’ hold on Honey’s fingers loosens, the shaking lessens to only his breaths, and his soul starts to feel like his own again. He manages to take back some control, at some point someone brought ice cream, Mads sits up and grounds himself with the cold against his skin and tongue. He remains quiet, and still pressed against Honey’s side, exhausted but feeling a bit more like himself..or, who he’s being told ‘himself’ is supposed to be, at least. 

Things are better, now, though. He didn’t have to be alone, suffering through the consequences of his mistake, and as much as he still hurts, Mads knows how much worse it could and would have been, had he stayed alone in his room to empty out into a proper toy. The guilt of having woken her up is hard to suppress, but his gratitude to her for so readily helping him through darkness she knew nothing about drowns at least some of it out. 

There aren’t many people Mads would be willing to stay with after a pathetic display like that, but Honey would never judge him, and he doesn’t want to be alone. He can’t be alone, again, after that. He doesn’t have to keep her up any longer. But he’ll stay, quietly, holding her hand, even while she sleeps and he doesn’t, as he fights not to go empty for different reasons, but even with that dragging him down, her hand in his holds his mind in place just enough to stay on. He wants to stay on. He wants to be a person. It’s so hard to convince himself he is one. ..but at least some people, and some tightly clasped hands, make it a little easier.

((art by the epic @jujulebee !!! love me some illustrated angst, it’s just One of those Nights for mads but at least it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been 💜💗

#action #No Strings (ic) #i'm like half asleep writing the second half of this #so if it sounds wonky dw #it's fine #might edit it tomorrow #torture ment #dissociation #depersonalization #jujulebee #save

[tqsg]

Truth

i couldn’t believe it when i first saw it.

i couldn’t believe it even when it was right in front of me.

How could it be true? How could it ever be true?

What was wrong with me?

I couldn’t believe truth.

A purple tree in plain sight.

How could i miss that?

How could i miss something that was never there in the first place?

I’m living in a world of “could-have-been”.

But it never was.

Was it close to what you imagined, my love?

Love is cruel, and so are you.

Cruel as the night,

cruel as the moon’s shine.

Shine your light upon me,

burn through my skin.

We never did stand a change did we?

Roll the dice, or roll over dead.

Death is cruel, but not as cruel as you.

Fate destroyed us,

but nothing can revive this.

Revise the story,

before it turns into a tragedy.

Romeo and Juliet were torn apart

before they could reach their

happily ever after.

Happily ever afters are fake,

and so were you.

You were never mine,

so how can i miss

something i never had?

Hadn’t we ever stood a chance?

Chance is death,

and death took you

away from me.

You were never here,

and yet,

you’re gone.

Was i ever visible to you?

Who do you see

when you look in the mirror,

now?

Do you see truth?

Do you see me?

Shine your light,

burn me through.

Fire is cruel,

and so are you.

But not as cruel as truth.

Not as cruel as me.

#tqsg #roy speaks #truth by us :p #poetry #poem #tw death mentions #tw dereality #dereality #burning ment #depersonalization tw

[vague-mandela-catalogue]

Introduction

This is inspired by @vague-magnus-archives. To submit posts either tag me in it, message me, send me an ask, or submit it. I’ll be writing image descriptions for everything that doesn’t have an image description, if my image descriptions have flaws, please tell me.

I use they/them, it/its, and void/voidself pronouns.

Things That Will Be Tagged/Warned For

A continuously updating and non-exhaustive list. I may forget to add things, but this is all I’ve tagged up till now and what I can think of off the top of my head. If you want me to tag something else, send me an ask or a message and I will.

Blood (tagged as #blood)

Christianity (tagged as #christianity)

Death (tagged as #death)

Depersonalisation/Depersonalization (tagged as #depersonalisation)

Eye contact/being watched (tagged as #scopophobia)

Eyes (tagged as #ommatophobia and #ommetophobia)

Gore (tagged as #gore)

Not explicitly Christian religion (tagged as #religion)

Self-harm (tagged as #self harm)

Spoilers (tagged as #the mandela catalogue spoilers)

Suicide (tagged as #suicide)

Mentions of suicide (tagged as #suicide ment)

The Mormon church/The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (tagged as #mormonism)

Paranoia triggers (tagged as #paranoia trigger)

Unreality (tagged as #unreality)

Things That Will Be Tagged For Organisation

Art (tagged as #art)

Other fandoms (e.g. #empires smp, #hermitcraft, #mcyt, #team fortress 2)

#intro post #the mandela catalogue #not vague mandela catalogue

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Shamanism (excerpts)

From the book, The Korean Mind: Understanding Contemporary Korean Culture

Korean Sociologists say that the depersonalizing and dehumanizing aspects of Confucianism contributed enormously to the continued survival and popularity of shamanism because shamanistic rituals provided direct, immediate relief to many of the intellectual and emotional problems caused by the strict Confucian code of conduct….

Korean educational writer In Hoe Kim said in an article entitled “The Values of Korean People,” published in 1979 (Seoul, Munumsa), that the traditional shamanistic beliefs of Koreans had become identical with their most basic goals –a long life that was peaceful, mentally and physically comfortable, envied by others, and ensured continuation of the family line. But the very things that made shamanism an “easy” religion for people to accept and follow had a negative side that also fundamentally affected Korean attitudes and behavior.

Recent studies of shamanism conducted by the Korean Institute of Policy Studies (KIPS) say that shamanism promoted childish submission to the supernatural, precluded self-reflection, and discouraged any attempt to develop self-esteem, to improve one’s own character or habits, or to be the master of one’s fate and take pride in creative efforts of any kind. On the plus side, shamanism valued human life and human happiness and sought to maintain a harmonious relationship between people and the cosmos at large, from local nature spirits to the gods of the universe.

While the KIPS noted that the general influence of shamanism on people was that it made them passive and submissive, the flip side was that if their lives were disrupted by any outside force, regardless of its source, they were prone to blindly lash out with extraordinary violence.

The Korean Mind: Understanding Contemporary Korean Culture Boyé Lafayette De Mente    ISBN: 978-0804842716    Reprint edition 2012

____________________________

Shamanism is at the heart of Sun Myung Moon’s church

Sun Myung Moon – Emperor, and God

Holy Grounds and the Shamanic Guardians of the Five Directions in Moon’s church

Shamanism: The Spirit World of Korea Any understanding of the so-called New Religions of Korea would be difficult without some knowledge of shamanistic influences upon them.

Fear and Loathing at Cheongpyeong

The Moons’ God is not the God of Judeo-Christianity

Hananim and other Spirits in Korean Shamanism

#Korean shamanism

[theturningsystem]

TW//: VENT!! Suicidal thoughts and OCD, Abuse, ableism, s/h.

I never ment to be creepy.

I never ment to be weird.

I missed up words & their meanings because I'm intellectually disabled.. what if that's just an excuse and I'm actually the creep without knowing?

I'm so sorry , I'm so sorry I'm such a failure.

I'm so sorry I'm a burden to everyone around me.

I wish everyone would just stop pretending to care about me and just tell me that they wish I was dead , that I won't really matter already.

I'm so scared I might be a groomer to the point of dissociation and depersonalization.

I hope he's happy that he made me this depressed and overall suicidal again.

I wish I was dead because of Milo.

I really want to cut because I deserve it. Groomers don't deserve anything but to feel pain and to be dead.

I just want this to all end. I want to give up.

I want to cry but I can't, I don't have any energy to.

I wish I stayed dead.

I wish the doctors had let me die.

#dollyboytalks!♡ #dollyboyvents #vent #tw sui ideation #tw vent #vent sorry

[junpeicindystories]

My Vent Space Links for the Sake of my mental health

A compilation of my life full of negative memories (read at your own risk) They all have content warnings listed so that you are aware of what you’re about to read but i’m not the best at making warnings.  

(When I was in middle school my dad ignored everyone’s wishes and wasted money and it was a point where my life started further spiraling downward)

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/133167495180/i-litterallly-dont-understand-how-dad-is-cheap?fbclid=IwAR1B753ueVkORTGzG_CZOJGD5IYSwFIWd-17KgY9cAiyVtCIGMD0mRikr3Y

(A lot of venting here trigger warnings- verbal and emotional abuse, intense vulgar language (cussing), body image issues, self depreciation, probably me being mentally ill, intense emotions, extreme negativity, bullying, dehumanization, probably disassociation, suicide-ment  God what the hell isn’t in here)

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/133387054735/im-tired-of-my-parents-constantly-disrespecting?fbclid=IwAR2wgPT9Xy_yQpyYiGekbkmiTFL2SjtfMgd-W3y2cFpflLBriaY95ZGsLAA

(contains one of the many instances where i loosely quote the abusive gaslighting language my mom loves to throw at me)

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/165679261795/mom-he-doesnt-love-you-if-he-calls-you-at-night?fbclid=IwAR0ofUtZ9jkyBetYHoJOu2wHavNxM0s-lbZSHwamdpMKgJf0JBFniCeQwqw

Depicts one of my horrible summers I had with my family (I tried to make this comic as light hearted as possible. Contains: verbal abuse, invasive creepy behavior, Disrespect of behavior, Dehumanization) 

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/187986916660/i-wrote-a-two-page-comic-for-an-assignment-i-was?fbclid=IwAR0TjQ3ioaw0zh_EqgEUgg-rxz7blwVIuVfhLZ4hzjQ4nwwXcH99AZvteqw

Depicts one of the many instances my mom had abused me verbally and I tried reaching out to my other family for help while they ignored or downplayed my cries: (Contains abuse mention, downplaying and gaslighting)

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/173972064635/abuse-warning-emotionally-abusive-mother-me?fbclid=IwAR3xZD72WuA_nlmkefCkxfDCnKa_kLJUr5TPe9eEURg_-nB1UsvRPo2LG7U

(Recalling an experience when I had shitty friends Contains: Bullying behavior mentioned and abusive language)

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/105846040060/i-really-hate-it-when-friends-try-to-bring-up?fbclid=IwAR3gGR2QYp9rg7U3zjoWpQzdEzVtzZw47L8GYcNn6e5DTBNxhPtQYHHkq4w

The instance of one of my many early adult years where I was physically and socially isolated by my parents:  (contains: implied intense emotions of despair, loneliness, isolation, gaslighting, and obviously this is an abusive event) 

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/120142799080/for-3-weeks-i-get-to-be-with-my-parents-144-hours?fbclid=IwAR0I0V3T98dQZJ3gpyF0TzjJH4CZZOT_uIlnSTODhs78zj21eT8XIuu6bcM

One of my many moments where I am afraid of the future (contains: thoughts of my anxiety, self depreciation, emotional and verbal abuse, gaslighting)

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/121639170725/my-family-constantly-tells-me-about-my-future-or?fbclid=IwAR2Gb5KpBaj7vQxI9w89F9Qer6MhReMVJvt4oD_N9cmFIZKsMgbuhqXFvOg

Contains my disconnect from reality (possible disassociation, derealization, depersonalization, honestly I have no clue)

https://junpeicindystories.tumblr.com/post/168386882910/connection-i-feel-like-im-a-planet-with-a?fbclid=IwAR2v295o0o5o7K3Fftz3FnLyi14s7C_-i0YO1otnjyeekh2nGbsh_Xt7204

More to add in the future.  Thank you if you looked at this post and read everything.  You have no idea what it means to me. I just really needed to do this for myself.  I’m going to continue to work hard as an artist.  

#documentation #personal #my history

[devolusion-a]

@wanmins​ : “  i don’t wanna talk about it. i don’t. i just want to forget.  ” / either hu tao or niya dealers choice

Niya experiences emotions as something physical these days; grief is rare, but she feels it now, and it feels liker her ribs trying to get out of her skin.  Like they can’t stand to be near her guts a second longer.  Niya sympathizes with the instinct.  She can’t stand to be near herself a second longer, either, but — as always — she’s stuck in this body that doesn’t feel like a body.  A room with no doors, walls crawling, screaming.  She can’t leave.

Niya’s not unduly prone to self - hatred, the anti - villain that she is.  Or created.  the truth is, there’s no niya at all, so who’s even feeling?  There’s no sick blame for the atrocities she’d committed with a different name and title, understanding that while regret is earned, shame is not — they made her into that, after all.  There’s not even blame for her sister, who she loved, who she failed, because there was nothing she could have done.  Monsters don’t feel guilt, and Niya is a monster even if they weren’t always.

Monsters don’t feel guilt, but the grief feels the same, bones trying to escape, throat clogged with shards and blood.  Niya swallows thickly.

That’s the least the kid deserves, isn’t it?  Forgetting.  Forgetting how her voice sounds overlaid with too many others, echoing, giggling, aren’t you having fun?  She hadn’t been.  It’s not fun to forget both of her names,  or to feel like if she dares to stop laughing she’ll start heaving.  It’s not fun to be that, to be that broken.  But all Xiangling saw with a giggling monster with bright bright eyes, breaking and enjoying it.

She’s just a little girl.  Barely older than Niya was when they joined the Fatui.  Barely younger than they were when the Vision came and the Fatui started crafting them into a monster.  It was wrong, what they did to Niya.  And Niya took that wrongness, that pain, and inflicted it on Xiangling.

Even if it was to save her.  There hadn’t been another choice.  But that doesn’t help the grief / the way their bones don’t fit / the way they don’t deserve to.  Took their pain, and transposed it.  Of course Xiangling doesn’t want to talk about it.  Of course Xiangling just wants to forget the blood and the snapping neck and the desperate laughter.  Niya wants to forget it, too.

Niya’s selfish, and they love Xiangling, and they want to keep her.  But they nod, lips thin, expression flat.  Her hands move behind her back so Xiangling won’t have to see them flex, won’t have to see the claws.  Is Xiangling afraid of them?  She must be.  She must be.

“Okay, ditya.”

They’re good at disappearing and good at being hated.  They’re good at shedding relationships, even the rare ones that matter.  Her bones shift, head following suit as it tilts.  They promised her dads they’d be a bouncer next time they had an event; they’ll have to let them know that won’t be happening.  Niya won’t subject Xiangling to what frightens her any longer.

“I’m sorry for bothering you, and for bringing it up.  I’ll let you get back to work.”

#✦ * — answered. #✦ * niya — main verse. #wanmins #✦ * your strength within shows me hope in this graceless world. — niya & xiangling / wanmins. #:) #i lost this reply like 3 times and had 2 redo it each time. but thats okay cos we got there eventually #depersonalization ment / #violence ment / #ask to tag / #anyway niya avoids xiangling because they think shes scared of them arc

[lavendercoatedangels]

lost in a fog

tw: drug ment, dp/dr

my brain currently feels like there’s a thick film over it. i feel foggy and distant, my short term memory is sort of fried. i have to keep reminding myself to do things. the closest thing i can compare it to is being stoned but i know that i haven’t smoked weed in weeks. depersonalization / derealization is a trip because i’m currently trying to figure out what is real, in a sense. my brain feels like there’s pressure in it. probably because i’ve been under a fuck ton of emotional stress as of late (there’s been so much happening at once) but man, does this suck.

#dpdr #derealization #depersonalization #dpdr tw #drug ment tw #drugs tw #personal #mental illness things

[trashcanclan]

let’s play a game called am i nonbinary or is the way i feel about my body parts just a manifestation of my ED? am i nonbinary or is the lack of connection i feel to my name and my own self just my bpd struggles with lack of identity, depersonalization and being perceived? am i nonbinary or do i just find it excruciating to exist in a human form? 

who’s to say? certainly not i

#like....it’s mento iwlness innit luv? #who knows #am i nonbinary? #ed cw #ed mention #ed ment tw #eating disorder cw #depersonalization cw #bpd #bpd thoughts

[ohkraken-a]

i simply start applying my own experiences with depersonalization / dysmorphia and apply it to my ocs so sweetly <3

#; out of kovir ( ooc ) #body dysmorphia ment cw #depersonalization ment cw #im listeing to mother mother and going through it

[punkcherries]

i feel like ppl either like. underestimate or misunderstand what neglect looks like and how harmful it is and wht the effects of it are nd stuff

#shut up sombre #abuse ment / #its like. if u dont look like a walking corpse from being fed nothing but crumbs and being physically chained in ur room u werent neglected #whn thts not how it works at all #im like. yea my mom pays bills and theres food in the house tht i can eat sumtimes and i got like a computer n game consoles or w.e #n everyones like then whaaaats the proooblem u clearly arent/couldnt be neglected!!! as if tht stuff isnt either bare bones necessities #or completely superficial and not at all a replacement fr actual like. attention and care frm a parent n shit?? #liek yea i got Stuff bt i also got my mom fear mongering and guilting me over shit i did whn i was like 12??? and being rlly dismissive #abt my feelings n shit like im just being dramatic or no things didnt happen like THAT dummy ur remembering wrong!! #n then leaving me to sit in a room w no positive physical human contact n no support frm her or my siblings feelin like a big burden #fr years n years on end n shes like well i triiiiied to helllp u these few times but u didnt waaant it like. ma'am. u are a parent. #i was a traumatized child grappling w emotions i didnt understand and u got all scawed umu and decided its easier to leave me alone #i have v complicated feelings abt my mom n the shit she has and has not done its a complicated situation #but th point of this post is i was neglected even if i like. ate n had games n ppl r v like dismissive abt neglect if its not sum fantasticl #rendition of it or w/e ykno??? #n its frustrating and makes me go into states of likke. dissociation?? depersonalization?? tht kinda stuff ig #cus my brains just like. oh boy! time to feel gaslit! and i go into a weird void head state where i start questioning my own existence #hate tha litchrally hate tha xoxo #none of this makes sense im sure jsjshjfnkfg

[esuemmanuel]

Despersonalizar. Separar la mente del ego.   Observar desde lejos lo que se cree que se es.

Depersonalize. Separate the mind from the ego. Observe from afar what you think you are.

— Esu Emmanuel©

#poetas en tumblr #poets on tumblr #writers on tumblr #escritores en tumblr #el hombre de la soledad #the man of solitude #writing in solitude #escribiendo en soledad #2014 #prioyecto azul

[lik3clockwork]

///sexual assault ment/nsfw

anyway time to take a half milligram of xanax more than im supposed to because its either that or sexualize myself for attention from men/women on tinder while completely depersonalizing myself from the action because i never processed my sexual assault and desperately want to feel understood and desired

#none of this makes sense!!! #will delete :)))

[mob-roulette]

About the Mun/Blog/Rules

I've never been good at these types of things. You can call me Cliff, I guess, I use a wide array of pronouns which you can find at here

This blog will contain heavy themes of:

—Avoidance/Avoidant tendencies

—Body horror, due to aliens. It’s homestuck

—Bugs, in passing

—Chasing, Being Chased

—Claustrophobia

—Depersonalization

—Derealization

—Dissocation

—Family, Good and Bad

—Gore

—Hallucinations

—Murder

—Paranoia

—Paranoid Delusions

—PTSD and cPTSD

—Unsanitary

NOTE: This list will be updated as people ask me to tag things. I will include links to the tags if you so desire.

This is primarily a blog dedicated to my S/I for Homestuck. His name, in full, is Edison “Prinz” Heiman, and he tends to keep to himself. His classpect is undecided, as is his moon, but I’m leaning towards heir of light, and prospit. If you have any recommendations, please let me know! :D

for people I definitely self ship with, check out my carrd! you won't regret it!

DNI if you:

Steven Universe

Hazbin Hotel

Good Omens

South Park

Family Guy

American Dad

The Cleveland Show

Sanders Sides

The Arcana

Obey Me!

Boyfriend To Death

Til Death Do Us Part

Hamilton

Please for the sake of clarity, call me my S/I's name for asks and F/O content. If you know me you may call me Cliff in regular chatter! I use many pronouns, however the most promiment are the ones I coined myself, those being:

—pri/prin/prinz/prinz'/prinzself

—san/gui/guin/guins/sangself

—me/ment/mori/moris/moriself

—it/its/itself

—they/them/themself

—he/him/himself

I love asks! Please tag me in things that made you think of this blog or me! If you’ll be a frequent asker feel free to come off anon, if you stay on anon sign yourself with an emoji! All interactions will come from @jacksmithing i really need to change that url. Anyway, if you int w me i'll return the favor! :D

Please tag the following if we're mutuals:

Car crashes

emotional abuse

maternal negligence

abandonment

The phrase "walk over me" and the term "doormat"

(me) being ignored or excluded purposefully

Good Omens

Sanders Sides

The names: Clio, Zoe and Rebecca

incest/grooming, and those two things in tandem.

#rules #do not rb #about the blog #about the mun #kinda #anyway #; ooc post #muns triggers

[satansbigmama]

Just gonna say this into the void.

I only just realized that I expirenced severe depersonalization for years, but was never diagnosed because I didn’t know how to explain it aside from being tired. Like I knew something was off and now I know how to explain it, like you know the state of mind you get in when you’re playing a videogame, where you are there but not 100% and you are reading the text but only partially and you gotta feel like your eyes glazed over but it’s been so long you can’t stop playing, I felt like that all the time. I interacted with people as though they were characters, and I felt as though I were completely seperate from myself. I didn’t feel like I had control over my actions or my life and mostly like I was just watching it happen, and because of that I don’t remember much of the past 2 years. And only now that I feel better do I know what was wrong, and am I able to explain how it felt. Because at the time I just felt tired, that was all I could say. How are you? I’m tired, but fine. I wasn’t tired I was disconnected I had no motivation because I felt like I wasn’t even there. I dreaded getting up in the morning, but it was so routine I did it anyway, I didn’t expirence actually talking to people throughout the day or taking notes in my classes I just did it. I was there but I wasn’t and all I felt was tired all the time. And it’s so crazy that I went on like that for so long and nobody thought to question it. My doctors even started to joke about how I was “always tired” like what? I was a kid expirenceing mental illness and instead of figuring out what was wrong or trying to get more information on what tired ment to help me get not tired you just joke about it? The hell.

And now I’m here and I don’t remember saying and doing so much stuff throughout such a long period of time because to me it felt like nothing. It felt like making a choice in a videogame inconsequential, non-existant, because I completely lost touch with reality!

#i want to go into this even more to be honest like #there was no cause and effect in my brain #i did what i did because it was what i would do. like i didnt reason in my head that my actions had consiquences #it wasnt #oh i’ll do this because its the right thing to do! #it was just. this is what im doing because this is what i do. #and that was the end of it. #and its so weird to think back on that