#discussing their family member who committed suicide

[litnerdwrites]

So Nesta might also have second hand trauma...

+ Elain is a hypocrite.

“I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow all you think of is what my trauma did to you.”

This quote has rubbed me the wrong way since I read ACOSF for the first time. I reblogged and responded to a post by @simmanin where I discussed how Elain is a hypocrite for this line, since the IC have never considered what Nesta's trauma did to her. That was one of two thoughts I had regarding this quote, the second being how Nesta's reaction seems completely logical.

I think Nesta's response to Elain wanting to search for the Cauldron to be a form of real trauma caused, not only by her mother, her father's neglect, the cauldron, turning fae, the war and the shit ACOSF put her through, but also the trauma faced by Elain. This is a form of trauma called Secondary traumatic stress disorder.

Secondary trauma is most common in health care workers and mental health professionals, as well as others who help and deal with other people's trauma on the regular. This, to me, makes complete, logical sense. If you're exposed to so many traumatic experiences, even if it isn't directly, on the regular, then it makes sense that your mental health would also suffer for it.

There have been cases in which a person goes through trauma, and their family members, like siblings, develop secondary trauma as a result. Moreover, it's natural for any form of trauma to affect a person's relationships with friends and family, which we see happen to Nesta in how she distances herself from even Elain.

It makes complete sense that Nesta, who has set herself up as Elain's protector their whole life, and acts as more of a mother figure to her, would develop some form of secondary trauma when she almost loses Elain, or watches Elain endure suffering when shoved into the cauldron.

It wouldn't be far fetched for a parent/sibling to develop a form of secondary trauma after almost losing their child/sibling, in an accident or at the hands of another human being. So why is it that nobody considers that Elain's kidnapping caused even more trauma for Nesta.

While I'm not trying to say that it should come before Elain's trauma and experience, it also isn't okay to discount and overlook Nesta's just because her coddling of Elain is considered a bad trait. It isn't good that Elain is coddled like a child, but using it as an excuse to disregard the obvious traits of trauma that Nesta is showing is unfair to her, and just another example of Elain, perhaps unknowingly in regards to secondary trauma, thinking only about Nesta's trauma is doing to her. How she's upset by the way Nesta handles it, rather than considering that Elain's support is the one Nesta needs the most.

Nesta spend her whole life feeling like a failure. To her mother. Her grandmother. To Feyre. To Amren. To the court. Nesta grapples with feelings of self worth and views herself as a failure for being unable to protect those she loves so fiercely, which greatly affects her mental health and is a huge factor in driving her to want to commit suicide. The only thing she didn't feel like she failed at, was protecting Elain. Until the cauldron. Until Hybern. Until they were dragged into a war that Nesta wanted no part of, but got involved with because of Feyre's request and Elain's insistence.

Nesta tried to give to Feyre what Feyre gave to her in that cabin when she allowed her to use their home (despite Feyre's friends accosting her for issues that aren't theirs to address or comment on), and even then, she feels like she failed when the mortal queens turned traitor. Failed to make it up to Feyre, failed to protect her people, and when Hybern came, failed to protect Elain.

Now, for Elain to not only reinforce those negative feelings, but dismiss Nesta's traumas entierly, from the moment the war ended, is cruel. Elain is a hypocrite. She is a hypocrite who was quick to abandon the one person who's been in her corner for her entire life. While there are clearly issues between Elain and Nesta that need to be sorted through, especially in regards to how Elain is coddled and borderline infantilised by her Nesta, discrediting Nesta's trauma, the way she's accused of doing to Elain despite how Nesta sacrificed her own healing just to be by Elain's side and get involved in the war, again, at Feyre's behest, is not how you go about it.

Nesta appears to have a form of secondary trauma that stems from Elain's own traumas, and she's not the only one. I think tamlin's actions stem from a form of secondary trauma from watching how Feyre suffered and died under the mountain. It doesn't make what he did right. It doesn't excuse his actions. Nor does it excuse Feyre's, since one might argue that seeing her sisters dumped into the cauldron gave her a form of secondary trauma too (since Mor mentioned Feyre feeling responsible for what happened in acofs, and wanting to fix all their problems as a result).

However, it does explain them. Much like how Nesta's traumas, first and second hand, explain her actions. That's not to say that an explanation is an excuse. It merely provide a context from which to examine their actions can be examined and create a path to empathy and compassion. Whether they're forgiven and forgotten is entierly up to those affected by their actions (pretty much just Feyre and maybe Elain for the coddling), and in the case of fictional media, audience discretion.

Nesta has certain things she should apologies for (again, to Feyre mostly, and maybe a little bit Elain), I don't disagree with that. However, none of that can happen until Nesta is able to heal.

The quote above is the perfect example of Nesta being denied that, despite the delusion of the IC in thinking that's what ACOSF was about. Her trauma isn't considered valid by the Ic, or even her own sisters, which is why it isn't treated as such.

So to sum it up, yes. Nesta is thinking about what Elain's trauma did to her because it did have a very real affect on her. It caused real trauma that Nesta has to deal with. The dangers faced by Feyre and the entire court, cause her trauma. She suffers with the fear of losing those she loves so fiercely so that her mental health took a swan dive because of that, amongst other reasons. Yet nobody acknowledges that Elain's suffering, real and horrible as it may be, also caused Nesta pain. Hell, they don't acknowledge the pain Nesta's own suffering caused her, much less anybody else's.

Also Elain and the IC just prove that they have no empathy or compassion despite their own traumas being so similar to the hell they're putting Nesta through. Either their traumas weren't traumatising or the cycle of abuse broke the so badly that they can't even recognise the abuse they put others through.

#anti acosf #anti ic #anti inner circle #anti rhysand #pro nesta #nesta deserves better #nesta acotar #anti amren #anti mor #pro nesta archeron #anti elain #anti feyre #anti morrigan #Nesta's trauma needs to be addressed #preferably by a professional #but apparently those are off limits to Nesta for some reason #pro tamlin

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

in the defence of Ruki Mukami - why Ruki's trauma has just as much influence on his actions as everyone else

i am sitting in the chemistry library at uni right now and am going to spend my time on the most useless task ever to avoid doing anything impactful. please don't take this too serious because i can't write meaningful character analyses.

so i've seen a ton of stuff around, because i know Ruki's not one of the best loved characters in the western fandom. well, of all the characters, i see nearly the most Ruki hate. and obviously everyone is entitled to their opinions, whatever. but what DOES bother me is the reason.

a lot of people say that Ruki's trauma doesn't correlate to his actions, or explain abusive behaviour in the same way that the other characters' do. and i would die for Ruki and we know this, but i've thought about it a lot and i have a Theory as for why some people seem to view his character this way. (i have also studied neuroscience at degree level and learnt about trauma and synaptic plasticity)

to summarise for those who perhaps haven't read all the games (my sources for all this is basically Ruki's MB, DF, and LE), Ruki was born as an only-child in Romania to a rich family, and his father was revealed to be a politician during the Ceaușescu period in Romania. they had a lot of servants, all of whom Ruki learnt from a young age to abuse. he admired his father very much and looked up to him, and his mother was good to him and was close to his father. it would seem like a very good, perfect family - although i'll briefly discuss later why this wasn't necessarily the case.

unfortunately, in the DL universe lore, Karlheinz and Ceaușescu were buddy-buddy politicians, and Ruki's father was eventually chased out of his position. during his downfall, Ruki's father became an alcoholic and began abusing Ruki's mother, verbally and physically. Ruki saw a lot of this as well: somebody he looked up to, admired and trusted, becoming an abusive monster in a very short period of time. i think that's part of why Ruki overlooks Karlheinz's crimes and sees him as a good father anyway.

not only that, Ruki's mother - once again somebody who nurtured and cared for him - turned out to be having an affair. and shortly after that, his father committed suicide: something Ruki actually walked out on.

that in itself is a lot more traumatic than i think people consider. a lot of the DL characters have long-term trauma, but intense sudden trauma, such as your "perfect" life falling apart due to an alcoholic, abusive father killing himself and his mother having an affair, has similar psychological impact. remember, these are people who were supposed to care and nurture him, he trusted them a lot, and they both abandoned him abruptly in very extreme ways. that's the number 1 root of Ruki's trust issues. he's been seen to cut Yui off entirely because he's scared of becoming his abusive father.

similarly, living in a "perfect" household as a spoiled only child can be inherently traumatic. i don't know about you guys, but i've met some (only some, not the majority) of very, very emotionally constipated spoiled only-children. a lot of children showered with materialistic affection are missing key emotional maturity developments. their outlook on life is very narrow and they lack the emotional components of attachment; this is part of why Ruki is quite emotionally immature.

not only that, but growing up as an abusive sociopath to "lower" members of society such as servants is a form of abusive on his parents' behalf. they did not teach him proper world awareness. some children are born as psychopaths etc, true, but the majority of "sociopaths" (diagnosed as ASPD) are that way because they were not taught remorse as a child. Ruki would've learnt to treat his servants that way because that was how his parents did (and we see his father being a dick to the servants in LE too i think), and that in itself is inherently traumatic too.

imagine then, with very little capacity for remorse or a concept of societal hierarchy, being thrown into an orphanage. Ruki is a dick to everyone, yes, but the shock of having everything you know challenged suddenly and without explanation or support is going to cause further trauma. i think people just don't like to consider the fact that a lot of "sociopaths" (again, ASPD is the correct label there) were victims too. he went from being the "master" to being "livestock" and that's going to very rapidly alter your young brain chemistry, entering a "master" mindset as a defensive mechanism. that's why he gets angry/upset/confused when it's challenged.

Ruki has a fuck ton of PTSD as well - he's the only character who i've seen literally throw up MULTIPLE TIMES when experiencing flashbacks.

but i think people generally know that, perhaps not thinking about it as deeply. my Theory as to why people don't seem to see this as being as "extreme" as the other boys' trauma goes further than that.

diabolik lovers follows this dynamic between the Sakamaki's vs Mukami's, whereby Yuma, Kou and Azusa (Yuma and Kou more strongly) have this mindset of "the Sakamaki's can't have trauma because they were rich" and obviously as readers, we're supposed to be like "um, no, the Sakamaki's can have trauma too" because they do.

with that said, Kou and Yuma do successfully get to Subaru/Laito and Shu's heads respectively with this narrative. especially Subaru and Shu who get really fixated with this "i was a spoiled, privileged kid" and because of that, naturally we, as readers, lean towards feeling sorry for the Mukami's especially.

obviously, Ruki is the odd one out when it comes to the Mukami's. he had a sheltered upbringing whereas the other brothers were fighting for their lives in poverty/on the streets, victims and witnesses of the civil war and orphan crisis. Yuma particularly pushes this "Ruki had it easy" notion too, and i've definitely noticed that a lot of people who don't particularly like Ruki tend to fall towards that.

this idea of "not enough" trauma has enough to unpack as it is and we won't do that to, but personally i think that all of Ruki's abusive actions are justified. no, they are not an excuse. none of the diaboys' behaviour is excusable, but i think Rejet did quite a good job of giving them enough fucked up backstory to make us as readers at least understand why that might be how they act.

and from what i see, it seems to be Ruki who people think is the exception to this the most, because his trauma isn't in the same vein as the rest of the Mukami's. the "rich people can't have trauma" narrative gets pushed so hard that i think people forget 1) it isn't true and 2) Ruki went through a ton of fucked shit as a kid, and i don't think any of his actions made me feel any differently than the other diaboys' awful behaviour towards Yui.

you can find Ruki boring, not interesting, or just not your type. but he very, very much has "sufficient" trauma to explain his toxic and dominating actions. thank u for coming to my TedTalk.

#diabolik lovers #ruki mukami #this is over 1.2k words btw this is insane

[depresstrogen]

ANNOUNCEMENT: An Analysis of Transgender Dysphoria Blues

On May 24, 2012, Rolling Stone introduced Laura Jane Grace to the world. Laura was already a well-established figure in punk music (for better or for worse) for her role as the lead member of Against Me!, but she was known by a different name and as a different gender. While not the only high-profile transgender musical artist in history (Wendy Carlos and Kim Petras come to mind), Laura is one of the biggest, and she has gone on to inspire thousands of trans people, punks, and trans punks (such as myself).

2 years after the Rolling Stone article, Against Me! released Transgender Dysphoria Blues, a landmark album in the history of queer music. So, I thought that, in honor of the start of pride month, I would finally get started on a project I've been thinking about for a while: a complete lyrical and musical breakdown and analysis of TDB. I intend to interpret TDB as a concept album telling two simultaneous stories, one Laura's own story of coming out and the other the story of a trans sex worker. This is a large project, so it will come in the form of 5 essays:

(Brief content warning here (there will be more detailed ones at the start of each essay) for discussion of transphobia, familial rejection and trauma, death, and suicide, and for use of anti-trans and generally anti-queer slurs)

Part 1 - Prologue: A brief overview of Laura's career up until the release of TDB through quotes from Laura's autobiography Tranny and the analysis of 4 pre-TDB songs: The Disco Before the Breakdown, Pretty Girls (The Mover), Searching For a Former Clarity, and The Ocean.

Part 2 - Introduction: Laura introduces both herself and the main character of the album (who I'm calling the True Trans Soul Rebel, or just the Rebel for short) through the first two tracks, Transgender Dysphoria Blues and True Trans Soul Rebel.

Part 3 - Rejection: Laura and the Rebel both deal with discrimination, rejection, and even violence from family, friends, and society at large on the next three tracks, Unconditional Love, Drinking with the Jocks, and Osama Bin Laden as the Crucified Christ.

Part 4 - Loss: Mounting anxiety and insecurity comes to a head for both Laura and the Rebel as they both lose friends and lovers and are left contemplating loss and death on the tracks Fuckmylife666, Dead Friend, and Two Coffins.

Part 5 - Death and Rebirth: The Rebel hits rock bottom and commits suicide on new years' eve on the penultimate track Paralytic States, but on the same evening Laura, also close to giving in, finally decides to come out to the world as she eulogizes the Rebel on the final track Black Me Out.

#transgender #against me! #laura jane grace #transgender dysphoria blues #literary analysis #musical analysis #punk #rock music #trans music #trans art #folk punk #lgbt #queer #pride month

[homomenhommes]

THIS DAY IN GAY HISTORY

based on: The White Crane Institute's 'Gay Wisdom', Gay Birthdays, Gay For Today, Famous GLBT, glbt-Gay Encylopedia, Today in Gay History, Wikipedia, and more … April 19

1759 – August Wilhelm Iffland the German actor, playwright and librettist was born on this date (d.1814). Iffland was a powerful force in the German theater of the 18th century, even though his plays are generally unknown outside his native country.

In 1810, he was "outed" by Heinrich von Kleist, the poet, author and playright. Kelist offered August Wilhelm Iffland, who at that time was the director of the Nationaltheater, the chance to stage his play Käthchen of Heilbronn. When Iffland refused, Kleist branded him a homosexual.

On 1 October 1810, Kleist surprised the people of Berlin by setting up a daily newspaper. The Berliner Abendblätter appeared every day except Sundays for half a year in the convenient octavo format at a price of eight Pfennigs. The newspaper provided a diverse mixture of information to suit every taste: police announcements, military anecdotes, poems, aesthetic essays such as Kleist's famous article "On the Marionette Theatre", critical looks at the Prussian government, and polemic attacks on Iffland's theatre and his homosexuality. Kleist's paper was shut down by Germain authorities and the attacks ceased. Kleist committed suicide soon after.

Iffland died in Berlin on 22 September 1814. A bronze portrait statue of him was erected in front of the Mannheim theater in 1864. A street in Berlin is named after him. The Iffland-Ring bears Iffland's likeness, and is borne by the most important German-speaking actor, as decided by his predecessor.

1834 – Prince Edmond De Polignac the French composer was born on this date (d.1901). A descendant of one of the more illustrious families of France. His father Auguste Jules Armand Marie, Prince de Polignac (1780-1847) was the Minister of State in the Restoration government of King Charles X, and was the author of the Thirty Ordinances in 1830, which revoked the Constitution, suspended freedom of the press, and gave the king extraordinary powers, including absolute power in the name of "insuring the safety of the state".

In 1875 a new friend entered de Polignac's life, Comte Robert de Montesquiou, a beautiful and intelligent man twenty-one years his junior. They shared many interests, and began an intimate relationship at that time. In his later years, Montesquiou used his wit to shield himself from sincere emotional interaction. He is remembered as a model for Des Esseintes in Huysman's A Rebours, and the Baron de Charlus in Proust's À la recherche du temps perdu. Through Montesquiou's circle, Polignac made the acquaintance of Elisabeth, comtesse Greffulhe and of Gabriel Fauré, and became a member of the Société Nationale de Musique, where his compositions were performed alongside those of Chausson, Debussy, and Fauré.

By 1892, Polignac, inept with money and impoverished through investments in a series of get-rich-quick schemes, was destitute; his nephews helped him with loans, but noted that desperate action was needed. The solution they suggested was marriage to a woman of appropriate means. Polignac discussed the matter with Montesquiou, and Montesquiou with his cousin Élisabeth Greffulhe, and out of these conversations the name of Winnaretta Eugenie Singer, daughter of Isaac Singer, the sewing machine tycoon, with her marriage to Prince Louis de Scey-Montbéliard lately annulled, arose.

Singer's social status could be improved by marrying a prince, even a poor one. And the arrangement would have other benefits: Winnaretta was Lesbian and not sexually interested in men at all. She was intimately interested in music, however, something the two did have in common.

Polignac asked the Comtesse Greffulhe to sound out Madame Singer on the subject of a mariage blanc (unconsummated marriage), in which each partner would have their own bed but would share artistic interests. Montesquiou, who collaborated with Winnaretta on some artistic projects, asked her to speak with Madame Greffulhe, and there the arguments were reviewed; her social position, compromised by divorce, would be improved by an alliance with one of the oldest and most distinguished aristocratic families in France; with the thirty-one year age difference, and the predilections of the bride and groom, Winnaretta would be free to lead her personal life as she wished, with no sexual demands from Edmond.

The advantages clear, a friendship and affection grew. In November 1893, Edmond proposed marriage to Winnaretta, and she accepted, a year after the idea had first been broached. On 15 December 1893 the couple were married by the Abbé de Broglie in the Chapelle des Carmes. The union received the blessings of Pope Leo XIII.

Montesquiou felt slighted when Edmond was not sufficiently grateful, and the friendship was irrevocably broken.

Ed. Note: The house of Polignac is also (technically) the current Princely House of Monaco; Prince Ranier (late husband of Grace Kelly) was the son of a Monagasque princess and a Polignac. For patriotic reasons, the princely house still keeps the name Grimaldi, though it has passed through the female line a couple of times. This is certainly a family with an interesting past and present.

1913 – The Illinois Supreme Court rules that cunnilingus is not a "crime against nature" under that's state's sodomy law, even though the Court had ruled fellatio to be one due to the state's unusually broad language.

1946 – Tim Curry, British actor and famed on-screen outerspace transvestite was born on this date. Curry's first full-time role was as part of the original London cast of the musical Hair in 1968, where he first met Richard O'Brien who went on to write Curry's next full-time and perhaps still most famous role, that of Dr. Frank-N-Furter in The Rocky Horror Show. Originally, Curry rehearsed the character with a German accent and peroxide blond hair, but the character evolved into the sly, very upper-class English mad scientist and transvestite that carried over to the movie version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and made Curry both a star and a cult figure.

He continued to play the character in London, Los Angeles, and New York until 1975. For many years, Curry was reluctant to talk about Rocky Horror, feeling that it was a trend that had gone too far and had distracted attention away from his later roles.

On 23 May 2013, Curry was reported to have suffered a major stroke at his home in Los Angeles. Although many sources suggested the stroke had made it difficult for him to speak, his longtime agent Marcia Hurwitz told the Daily Mail "Tim is doing great," and that 'He absolutely can speak and is recovering at this time and in great humour'. Shortly after the initial report, Hurwitz told The Hollywood Reporter that the stroke actually occurred in July 2012, and that Curry had been going to physical therapy. As a result of the stroke, he uses a wheelchair.

1967 – The Student Homophile League of Columbia University becomes the first U.S. gay college group to obtain a campus charter. The SHL had twelve members who fought with university administrators for a year before the group was officially recognized.

Stephen Donaldson, a bisexual-identified LGBT rights activist is commemorated by a plaque in the Queer Lounge that bears his name in one of Columbia’s residence halls for spearheading the creation of the group.

When the charter was ultimately granted in April 1967, it earned media attention with the New York Times printing a story on the front page. The Columbia Daily Spectator reported that some students believed that the creation of the group was an April Fool’s joke. The group is still in existence to this day and is now called the Columbia Queer Alliance

1978 – James Franco is an American actor, filmmaker, and teacher.

His first prominent acting role was the lead character Daniel Desario on the short-lived cult hit television program Freaks and Geeks. He later played the title character in the TV biographical film James Dean (2001), for which he won a Golden Globe Award. He played Harry Osborn in Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy (2002–2007). He is also known for his roles in the films Flyboys (2006), Pineapple Express (2008), Milk (2008), 127 Hours (2010), Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011), Oz the Great and Powerful (2013), Spring Breakers (2013), This Is the End (2013) and The Interview (2014). He had a recurring role in the ABC soap opera General Hospital. For his role in 127 Hours, Franco was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actor.

Franco volunteers for the Art of Elysium charity and has taught a class at New York University in feature filmmaking and production. In 2013, he began teaching a course in short film production at the University of Southern California and a course in screenwriting at his alma mater, University of California, Los Angeles.

In response to questions regarding his sexuality now that he has portrayed three gay characters during his acting career, he insists he finds plenty more dimensions to the characters than their bedroom proclivities. "Or, you know what," he quipped, "maybe I’m just gay."

Those rumors led to a Gawker article linking him to a New York Post Page Six blind item about a closeted gay actor, nicknamed "the Gay Rapist". Despite the victim of the alleged attack denying that it was Franco, two magazines then contacted Franco's lawyer to alert them that they might run stories suggesting his involvement, but were unable to, as at least part of their stories were fabricated. However, Gawker refused to take their article down as they were simply reporting what another outlet published and instead offered him a chance to make a comment about the speculation on its website. He declined, hoping it would die down. The actor later called the episode very offensive because he has friends who have been raped.

In I Am Michael (2014), he plays real-life figure Michael Glatze, a former gay activist who leaves his boyfriend (Zachary Quinto) behind after declaring himself straight and becoming a pastor.

Franco says of the gay content of many of his projects:

"Some of it's coincidence, or the gay aspect of the project — like Hart Crane in The Broken Tower or Allen Ginsberg in Howl — is secondary. It wasn't like, 'We need to do this because he was gay.' It's because of their art, and then their art was partially informed by their sexuality. But then with something like Interior Leather Bar or Milk, those are obviously engaging with gay themes, gay rights, gay politics. In the case of Milk, once I did that movie, it kind of opened me up to a lot of things I hadn't really thought about because they hadn't been a part of my life. Lee Daniels says that gay rights are the civil rights of our era, so I like doing a movie like Milk or Interior Leather Bar where I can bring themes and ideas I've been engaged with, and do it in such a way that those ideas are pulled into the mainstream more."

In a March 2015 interview with Four Two Nine magazine, Franco again opened up about his sexuality, commenting that it is not who you have sex with that defines your sexuality, but instead how you act. "In the twenties and thirties, they used to define homosexuality by how you acted and not by whom you slept with. Sailors would fuck guys all the time, but as long as they behaved in masculine ways, they weren’t considered gay". Franco added, "Well, I like to think that I’m gay in my art and straight in my life."

1982 – The Gay Officers Action League, Inc. is founded by NYPD Sergeant Charles Cochrane and retired Detective Sam Ciccone etablishing the first official police fraternal society in the world to represent LGBT people within the criminal justice system.

Sergeant Cochrane, a 14 year veteran of the NYPD, created shock waves by testifying before a NYC Council hearing in favor of a gay rights bill. Following the testimony of a Patrolmens Benevolent Association Vice President, who denounced the bill and declared, "I didn't know of any homosexual police officers.", Cochrane stunned all present as well as NYC as a whole by his testimony: "I am very proud of being a New York City Police Officer, and I am equally proud of being gay."

In 1987, at the persistent urging of GOAL, NYPD began a concerted effort to actively enlist qualified gay candidates. In 2002, GOAL was admitted into COPS, The Committee of Police Societies, an organization consisting of all recognized NYPD religious, ethnic fraternal organizations.

Since its ineption, GOAL has evolved not only as a fraternal organization, but also as an activist organization that represents the interests of its LGBT members in all agencies and branches within the criminal justice system.

1992 – James Scully is an American actor, best known for portraying JD in the Paramount Network series Heathers (2018) and Forty Quinn in the Netflix thriller series You.

Scully was born and raised in San Antonio, Texas. In his youth, he spent a brief period in England when his father was stationed there as a part of the United States Air Force. He later attended Otterbein University, where he earned a Bachelor of Fine Arts in musical theater. Scully was also a cycling instructor for three and a half years at SWERVE Fitness.

Prior to working in Los Angeles, Scully resided in New York performing Off-Broadway. In 2016, Scully made his acting debut in the web series drama series, Sublets. Following on from his first role, Scully later made appearances in television series, such as Quantico and 9-1-1.

He has also done commercial work for Outback Steakhouse and a public service announcement about Vicodin abuse with Riverdale actress, Camila Mendes.

In 2018, Scully starred in the main role of JD on the Paramount Network series Heathers. In January 2019, it was announced that Scully had been cast as Forty Quinn on the second season of the Netflix thriller series You.

Scully is openly gay

1995 – Arizona revises its sex offender registration law to remove sodomy from the list of compulsory registration categories, but permits judges to order registration if the defendant committed sodomy for "sexual motivation."???

[girlactionfigure]

🔅Mon morning - ISRAEL REALTIME - Connecting to Israel in Real Time

🔻Today’s peaceful attempts to kill the Jews..

Suicide Drones - Iraqi Shia Militias - INTERCEPTED by Jordan x 2

Suicide Drone -  at Eilat - MISSED, source unclear, Houthis or Iraqi Shia Militias

Rockets - Hamas - at Mefalsim 

The pro-Iranian militias in Iraq took responsibility for launching drones towards the "air force base in the Golan Heights”.

▪️A HERO SOLDIER HAS FALLEN.. Daniel Peretz, 22, of Yad Binyamin.  May his family be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem, and may G-d avenge his blood!

▪️GAZA - HOSPITAL.. The IDF has been operating for hours at Shifa Hospital following information senior Hamas operatives operating from it. During the night there was an exchange of fire.  This hospital was the previous site of a major battle, tunnel discovery and international condemnation for Israel going into ‘a place of healing’… until signs of hostages were found there.  80 captured on the spot, in an action that has been going on for five hours.

The IDF says it has (re)established control over Gaza City's Shifa Hospital, and is calling on Hamas members inside to come out and surrender.

The IDF says that amid gun battles at the hospital premises, several Hamas gunmen were killed and wounded. One IDF soldier has been lightly wounded.

▪️GAZA BATTLES.. overnight IDF attacked Hamas targets from the air and artillery in western Khan Yunis, and in the Deir al-Balah area of ​​the Gaza Strip. Reported that Deir al-Balah has witnessed air force attacks since the morning hours and that there is enormous damage, and dozens of wounded and dead in the area.

There are also reports of an exchange of fire going on between our forces and terrorists in the area of ​​the town of al-Mugarqa north of the Nusirat camp.

▪️ISRAEL POLITICS.. interesting statement from United Torah Judaism MK Gafni, “we would have withdrawn from the coalition due to the 'new horizon' issue, but the instruction was one of the great teachings of the Torah that DURING WAR NOT TO CREATE NEW PROBLEMS.”

▪️UNRWA PROTESTS.. Israeli protestors have been protesting in front of UNRWA offices in Jerusalem, demanding the organization be declared a terrorist organization and banned from Israel.

▪️HOSTAGE CEASEFIRE DEAL LEAKS.. Hamas demands that were discussed in the last day by the Israeli top brass:

1. Russia and Turkey's to guarantee the deal - Israel refuses.

2. The release of all those released from the Shalit deal who were arrested again - Israel is ready to release some of them.

3. Hamas claims: We will be able to commit to the number of hostages we can release - only after the first week of the ceasefire. That is, only after the deal is closed will Israel know exactly how many hostages will be released.

The Israeli negotiation delegation has been authorized and left for Qatar.

▪️NIGER (the African country) ACCUSED OF RELEASING URANIUM TO IRAN.. Wall Street Journal: The military junta in Niger decided this weekend to stop the political-security cooperation with the US as part of the fight against terrorism. This was after an American delegation raised last week the suspicion that Niger had given Iran access to its uranium stockpile. The US fears that this could be used by Iran in its military nuclear program. 

▪️GOLAN COUNCIL DOWN DUE TO CYBER ATTACK.. the Golan Council announces their computer systems and site are down due to cyber attacks - intentionally shut off to prevent being taken over.  They are working to manage the situation.  The security hotline continues to function.

#Israel #Realtime War Updates #October 7 #Operation Swords of Iron #Hamas Massacre #Israel/HamasWar

[tuttocenere]

Posa / Ophelia

So we all know that Schiller’s Don Carlos was inspired by Shakespeare’s Hamlet, because he literally wrote that down. Now, the one thing he explicitly calls out is a similarity between his Marquis de Posa and Shakespeare’s Horatio, but I’m going to argue with Schiller about that one. Because firstly, I’m not really seeing it, and secondly, I think there’s a different Hamlet character who makes for a much better parallel.

That character is Ophelia. She and Posa both have death scenes that are among the most iconic imagery in their respective plays and possibly all of theater. They both die as a result of their love for a princeling of questionable quality. They both have a pretty intense relationship with that princeling’s only biological parent as well. They are both in a weird quasi-married state that isn’t really going anywhere, in Ophelia’s case because Hamlet can’t commit to anything, and in Posa’s case because gay marriage wasn’t a thing yet.

And I think they make a very interesting contrast gender wise:

Ophelia has multiple family members on stage that she has friendly interactions with. She hangs out in the palace reading books, the question of her having children is discussed (and also implicitly present by her connection to Hamlet’s mom). In other words, she’s a perfect example of domestic femininity. Eventually Hamlet doesn’t like her anymore for various reasons that aren’t really her fault, and he famously tells her to go to a convent. A convent, of course, is another very feminine place, but in a different way. And instead of doing that, she goes into a garden and drowns in a creek. Quite the opposite of what Hamlet wants her to do, quite pagan, quite immoral. But still fairly woman-coded what with all the water and flowers and passivity and the general nature theme.

Posa on the other hand was a knight, and he was a pretty successful knight at that. And that is, of course, about the manliest thing you can be in a story like this. And his role as an enforcer of state violence is very significant to the plot and to other character’s interest in him. His big turning point where he understands he won’t survive this situation is that scene (two different scenes in the opera) where he arrests Carlos and attacks the princess of Eboli. He is doing exactly what is expected of him (state violence) but he’s also very tempted to stab a lady to death in a hallway / garden which is not quite in line with chivalric ideals.

And so he kills himself for Carlos, but not in some sort of dramatic masculine way by sword fighting his jailers (which he could totally do in principle, since Carlos is freed by violent means right after Posa dies). He does it by writing a bunch of letters and then waiting to get arrested for it. Which is certainly still a manly thing to do, but for a different sort of man.

So they both go from a very embodied form of their gender role (family, war) to a very disembodied form (religious life, diplomacy), and then they even die by getting enveloped / penetrated, respectively, if we can be Freudians for a moment here.

Or, if we take the interpretation that "nunnery" is an euphemism for a brothel in Hamlet, they both go from an everyday version of their role (getting married, fighting) to an extreme version (prostitution, politics). That fits less well, but I think it still fits.

And yeah Ophelia is mad, but Posa is also a bit mad, isn’t he? He yells at the actual king of Spain the first time he meets him. He literally commits suicide-by-cop, and explicitly says that’s what he’s doing, unlike Ophelia where it’s not totally clear if she means to die. And of course the whole situation where he’s incredibly hung up on Carlos is itself a bit messed up — although I think Schiller wouldn’t agree, and would see their relationship as quite admirable.

(Just for the record: while Don Carlos is loosely based on historical events, Posa is not a historical personage, so everything he does in the story is definitely a deliberate choice by Schiller)

#schiller don c #I'd like to put this in my hamlet tag for organizing purposes but if hamlet people see it they might drone strike my house #so better not #(also in both cases people get really intense about their grave so that's another parallel)

[cburambles]

Minglan & Madam Qin mirror each other

Something that intrigued me during the ending isn't really discussed is the way they framed Madam Qin's death. And why Minglan seems to have decided to let off Molan easy.

The scene isn't a triumph of evil. It's almost framed in a tragic way like it was meant to happen but every characters present are horrified & crying. If you listen closely, Gu Tingye even accidentally revert back into calling her "Mother" for a second when he realizes Grand Madam Qin is in the burning ancestral hall.

Grand Madam Qin kinda mirrors Minglan in a way she spent her life pretending to be something she's not, ended up scheming & banking everything on her biological kid to get the Marquis title which = power for her & ultimately commited suicide by setting the Gu ancestral hall on fire, which for her is a representation of her own misery (even tho she is mostly responsible for it), reminding the audience that she was as much her and her sister, a victim of the system.

Madam Qin is possibly how Minglan could have grown into if she hadn't the support of her grandmother, her servants or Gu Tingye. If she married had in the Qi's family & kept on her facade all her life.

And we know that like Madam Qin, Minglan is willing to scheme against her own family members & cause some servants to get hurt or killed to reach some her goals.

Not unlike Madam Qin who had a more powerful background, she too, would have to rely on the fickle support of her husband while hoping for her potential son to succeed. She would have probably ended up using Qi Heng in her schemes instead of having an actual partnership like she does with Gu Tingye.

We know Hualan struggled in her Counts in-laws. Can you imagine how hard it would have been for Minglan (who is concubine-born) under the Duchess if she ultimately decided to not disregard her prejudices?

I kinda get why Minglan, Minglan who schemed against her own family, Minglan who was willing to risk the Sheng's reputation to have Concubine Lin's killed, Minglan who broke a cup in anger upon hearing how Madam Kang was planning to harm Gu Tingye by pushing her cousin as a concubine (and also for a second seemed to be ready to almost physically harm her cousin as she suddendly stood up) , Minglan who declared about wanting to hack in pieces her aunt & feeding her to the dogs for harming grandma & had servants tortured, ended up begging Madam Qin to get out of the burning ancestral hall & cried as she watched her die after listening to her rant.

They may have hated each other but she knew where she came from. And for a moment, Minglan possibly saw how she could have turned as well if she had not the sincere relationships that she had in her life & kept pretending.

It's maybe (while she's not aware of Molan's participation in freeing Auntie Kang) also why she decided to extend an olive branch to Molan as a result.

#the story of minglan #the story of ming lan #cb's rambling #sheng minglan #grand madam qin #gu tingye #I saw ppl complain watching the show get more tedious for them after the marriage compared to when it was mostly Sheng household shenanigan #& while I get a bit why #I think it's as important as the first part #Minglan has to fight an older version of herself #That's why she's so quick at assessing Madam Qin #“ she's good at not opening her mouth & has other speak in her stead” guess who also applied that method while dealing with spy servants #acting weak & manipulating people so they can do do the job for her? Right minglan?

[zablife]

Corruption

Jack Nelson x female reader

Summary: You never thought of gaining anything more than a bit of real world experience when you applied for an internship with local police, assisting on the case of Jack Nelson. Instead you gain an obsession with a dangerous, but seductive criminal.

Author's Note: This is a combination of a story idea I had after doing a moodboard for Jack Nelson x criminology student AND a request by a lovely anon who suggested Jack's S/O was turned on by watching him commit a crime. Events of S4 and S6 are combined/misrepresented here. Set in Birmingham but ended up w/ an American film noir vibe.

Warnings: dark!, 🔞, smut, language, mention of murder, blood, shoddy/unrealistic police work

Your internship with the police department hadn’t started as well as you had hoped. Your first day you were treated like a forgotten houseplant, left to gather dust in the corner of the office. You tried to be proactive, offering assistance to the detectives around you, but you were quickly rebuffed and asked to return to your desk to file mountains of paperwork. Worried this would be a huge disappointment, you began counting the days you had left. You couldn’t have known then that your life would soon be complicated by the arrival of a mysterious American.

After two weeks of mind numbing boredom, you walked into work to find a flurry of activity. Much to your surprise, you were asked to sit in on a meeting. However, you were warned not to discuss the details of anything you heard as this was an ongoing murder investigation. You sat at the back of the room as detectives discussed the prime suspect, Jack Nelson.

The lights dimmed and slides with grainy surveillance images flashed before you of a handsome man in his early thirties. As his details were read aloud, you began to make a few notes, feeling your curiosity grow. He had killed at least one man, making the murder look like a suicide. Luca Changretta was a rival gang member from America, killed while in the UK to do business with the Shelby family.

Jack Nelson fit the description of a sociopath. He was charming, intelligent and cocky. He knew he was untouchable and taunted police, daring them to catch him. His file said he was often seen in the company of beautiful women and that he liked expensive luxuries, traveling in style from America to the UK and Europe for his business ventures. He was also well connected to highly influential people, including American and British politicians. He had even met with the President of the United States, which you found highly impressive.

---------------------------------------

As the days went by, a few leads came in, but nothing serious. Having little else to occupy your time, you worked tirelessly doing your own research, but it was difficult. Mr. Nelson was obviously good at covering his tracks. His import/export business seemed mostly legal and anyone who had ever suggested otherwise was now conveniently dead. However, not all ties had been severed as you discovered when the infamous Arthur Shelby was brought in for questioning on unrelated drug charges.

High on junk, Arthur revealed he’d seen Jack Nelson at a party talking to another Shelby associate, Billy Grade, recently. That was all he would confirm with his lawyer present, however. Everyone in Birmingham knew the Shelby family dealt in all manner of illegal activities, but they were protected by the head of the family, Thomas Shelby, MP OBE. Luckily, you wouldn't need Arthur's cooperation for anything more. The police finally had a solid lead they could pursue. 

Your role would soon expand as police needed your help making contact with Billy Grade. Surveillance had revealed Nelson was meeting with him again. Knowing how cautious he was, Nelson would sniff out a copper miles away, but if they sent you posing as a prostitute, you could deliver messages to and from Billy without issue. No one in the underworld of Small Heath would bat an eye.

That’s how you became more than an intern. Your life as an undercover special started the next week with a bit of training. It was a dangerous job, but one that ignited a passion in you you’d never felt before.

——————————————————————————-

As you were getting ready to leave for the agreed upon location, your hands shook as you tried to fasten your earrings. What if you weren’t able to go through with it? What if something happened to you and your parents never found out? Too many questions raced through your mind.

Then the image of Jack Nelson flashed before you. There was something alluring about him that you couldn’t quite place. You knew he was a cold blooded killer so you tried to push any thoughts of his handsome features from your mind, but the attraction remained stubbornly implanted in your subconscious. You hoped the distraction was your mind’s way of keeping you from thinking about the harm you faced if he caught you, but you weren’t so certain. 

When you arrived at the hotel where you agreed to meet Billy, you walked briskly through the lobby only to hear someone call out to you, “Miss, please wait! There’s a phone call for you.” You circled back to the front desk somewhat surprised by the interruption. Taking the phone in your hand with a puzzled look, you answered hesitantly, “Hello?”

“Finally get the pleasure of speaking with the girl who’s trying to set me up. How are you, doll?” A low voice drawled over the phone. The crystal clear connection allowed his voice to slice through you, sending a tingle down your spine.

 “Who is this and what do you want?” you asked cupping your hand around the phone so no one else would hear. Slowly turning in a circle, you tried without success to locate anyone watching you.

“Easy, there curious little pussycat. Just thought I should warn you not to play games that are out of your league,” he cooed. The threat was real, but you could hear the smirk in his voice. “I've been watching you for awhile now. You’re a cute kid. I’d hate to see you get hurt.”

Boldness returning to you with a sudden shock of adrenaline, you answered, “You’ve got it all wrong, Mr. Nelson.  I think you’re the one who ought to be careful. You've left evidence all over this city and we will find you," you bluffed, gulping at your own audacity to challenge such a powerful man.

He chuckled darkly obviously thrilled by your feistiness, “We’ll see about that, won’t we? Cause I've already found you. The things I'd do to you, doll face. Well...you've seen my work.” Then you heard the click of the receiver as he hung up the phone on his end. 

--------------------------------------------

You could barely sleep that night knowing that Jack Nelson might be watching your flat at that very moment. How long had he been tailing you, you wondered. You questioned whether or not you wanted to continue helping with the investigation. However, something told you not to give up. Perhaps it was eagerness to prove yourself professionally, but you also knew it sprung from a deeper, darker place inside you that kept replaying the sultry sound of Jack’s voice over and over again like a record. 

At the insistence of the detectives, you were sent out to make contact again three days later. A new location was chosen in a different part of town. Great efforts were taken to ensure you weren’t followed and you were reassured many times that Nelson and his associates would not find you. As added protection, two detectives were assigned to watch the building from a parked car outside and you were confident nothing could possibly go wrong.

However, from the moment you stepped from the cab, the evening felt forboding. Fog was beginning to roll in, obscuring your view of the entrance to the hotel where you were meeting Billy. To reassure yourself, you bent down to adjust the seams of your stockings one last time and checked your garter for the knife you’d stashed there. As your hand brushed the cool metal, you took a deep breath knowing if things went badly you had a way to defend yourself.

Running to cross the street, your red beaded dress shook and shimmied. It was perfect for the part you were playing, dipping low in the front to reveal a bit too much cleavage. You noticed the doorman look you up and down suggestively as you passed and you ducked your head, heels clicking past him on your way to the front desk. As you took the hotel key and made your way upstairs, you felt the familiar rush of doing something dangerous and forbidden. You hated to admit to yourself how addictive it was becoming.

You opened the door to the room slowly, clicking it shut softly behind you. Just as you reached for the light, you heard an unsettling noise. There was a scuffle of shoes and tightening of leather. A man's ragged breaths were followed by a thick gurgling sound. Just as the red lights from the sign across the street poured through the window, it illuminated Jack's tall form holding Billy's lifeless body, blood spilling from an open wound across his neck.

You stood staring, mesmerized by the scene. You'd read plenty about violent crime, but never witnessed anything like this. It was indescribable the fear and awe intertwined. He was nothing short of godlike standing there over his vanquished foe and you were intoxicated by his power over another. Unable to stop yourself, you couldn't look away from the sight of a man who could do anything he wished.

You hadn't realized the gasp you let out until Jack was turning toward you. He lowered the body to the ground where he stood.

“You’re too late,” he said walking toward you slowly, removing his black leather gloves one finger at a time and discarding them on the ground. They were stained with blood and he didn’t want to taint you with it. However, as he stepped over the dead body and the widening river of blood that separated you, he noticed an unmistakable hunger emanating from you. 

Your half closed eyes drank him in lustfully. It was hard to miss as you toyed with your necklace and bit your bottom lip suggestively. You swallowed harshly as Jack came to stand over you, towering above you and grasping your chin in his hand. He squinted his eyes at you in disbelief, “Are you getting turned on by this doll?” You nodded slowly before pushing up on your toes to kiss him hard, hands struggling to push off his heavy overcoat to feel his broad shoulders.

He gripped you painfully by your waist and buried his head in your neck, sucking a bruise into you before leaving a love bite right next to it. As you raked your long nails through his hair, his head traveled south into your cleavage and inhaled your perfume deeply.  You palmed him through his trousers feeling him getting hard beneath your skillful touch and he let out a shaky breath at the delicious feeling.

Knowing he had to regain control, he yanked your hand away and shoved you into a nearby wall. Wrapping a hand around your throat and squeezing slightly, he chuckled darkly, “You just couldn’t stay away, could you? Too damn curious, aren’t you, pussycat?”

Unfazed by his question you answered breathlessly, "I'm not afraid anymore." You placed your hand over his and began stroking along his arm. Jack leaned forward to rest his forehead against yours for a moment, "I bet you think you've got nine lives, don't you? What makes you think I won't do the same thing to you?" he said glancing back at the body on the floor.

His hands roamed your body possessively, squeezing you tightly and raking his nails over your skin before coming to rest over your soft thigh. Your breath hitched for a moment when he found the blade you had concealed beneath the lace garter. He unsheathed the weapon, bringing it to his line of sight to study it carefully before turning it on you suddenly. His voice lowered an octave as he brought the blade to your throat and asked,  “You feel that, baby? The electricity in your veins? Is that the thrill you were after, huh?”

Your pulse quickened beneath his touch, heart pounding against your rib cage with a rush of emotion that was unlike anything you’d ever felt. Your eyes flicked to his and you noticed his pupils were blown wide. Jack was making you come alive and you knew you were doing the same for him. You licked your lips and hummed in satisfaction, “I know you won't kill me because you want me as much as I want you,” you said, rubbing your thighs together. 

He smirked at your wanton response, moving the blade to your shoulder and you held your breath when you felt him slice the strap of your dress. Strings popped and beads scattered noisily along the wooden floor. Jack huffed out a sigh of satisfaction as he tossed the knife aside. Turning back to his work, he ripped at the delicate fabric to reveal your breasts to the cool air and more beads went skittering as Jack made no mistake about his intention of ruining you.

He massaged your breasts in his hands roughly as he captured your lips with brutal force, smearing your red lipstick in the process. In his growing need for you, he spun you around to face the wall, placing a few hard slaps to your ass as you pushed yourself out toward him. One hand continued to toy with you, feeling the wetness that had collected along the front of your silk underwear. He shoved the fabric to one side rolling and pinching your clit harshly before entering you in one punishing thrust. You lurched forward, holding yourself up by your palms. Then Jack grabbed your hair, pulling you back toward his chest. You felt the pleasurable burn at your roots, too intoxicated by the drag of his cock within you to care. Your head fell against his shoulder as he growled in your ear, “No good girl cop would let me fuck 'em like this. Think I've got myself a new partner in crime."

-----------------------------------

Play list for this fic:

🎧"All the Good Girls Go to Hell" Billie Eilish

🎧"Do it for Me" Rosenfeld

🎧"Devil Eyes" Hippie Sabotage

🎧"Time is Running Out" Muse

🎧"I'm a Fool to Want You" Billie Holiday

--------------------------------------

Tag list: @retromafia, @violaobanion, @daddyjack-nelson, @evita-shelby, @tommydoesntpayforsuits, @shelbydelrey, @alanadetigy, @wandawiccan60, @easilyobessedbutflighty, @severewobblerlightdragon, @lovemissyhoneybee, @theshelbyslimited, @kittycatcait219, @peakyrogers, @jackiekae, @peaky-cillian, @kpopgirlbtssvt, @slytherisstuff, @watercolorskyy, @cillmequick, @l1-l4, @tommydoesntpayforsuits, @celticmelody, @notyour-valentine, @noforkingclue, @peakyswritings

#Peaky Blinders fanfic #Peaky Blinders imagine #Jack Nelson fanfic #Jack Nelson imagine #Jack Nelson smut #zablife600 #Jack Nelson x reader #Jack Nelson x you #Jack Nelson x y/n

[lifewithchronicpain]

I fucking hate the term "suicide survivor" because it doesn't mean what it should. I remember trying to Google stories or advice for people who had attempted suicide and lived. I used the search term surviving suicide and only found results for family members and friends of people who died by suicide. I don't resent their need for community and help, I resent the fact that they have overtaken the discussion that I can't reach out to other survivors. That they've taken a phrase that literally describes my experience and made it about their experience only.

This doesn't even touch upon the usual shit people say about those who have committed suicide, but that's another reason I resent the use of suicide survivor for friends and family. No one knows what it's like to survive suicide than people who actually fucking tried to kill themselves. We exist and deserve to find support beyond a therapist.

#suicide #surviving suicide #suicide survivor #ableism #mental health

[imsosocold]

Disclaimer: Belos’s religious views are very unclear and regardless I am not from the same branch of religion he is part of. I have not studied Puritanism in depth and am aware religion is in a constant state of evolution.  This is just a cool concept idea I’m positing.

Though the suffering within realms like Hell are often what comes to mind when  one thinks of religion, reality is naturally much more complex.  There are a lot of religious people, who, even when having a concept of Hell in their doctrine, don’t believe in the idea presented, whether partially or entirely.  There are plenty debates surrounding the concept of Hell; how long does it last, is the concept of it moral, are some people automatically doomed to go there, do those created by the Devil actually suffer in Hell, etc. For example, some people think people who commit suicide automatically go to Hell, while there are others who think those who commit suicide automatically go to Heaven. Concepts like predestination also confuse this. Let’s call this “ uncertain hell theory.” I want to put this with the “ uncertain  Heaven theory” which brings into question the typical rules/concept of Heaven.  More specifically, I want to discuss a concept that centers around the potential temporariness of Heaven .   Essentially it’s the idea that when you sin, you’re not just putting yourself and your eternal soul at risk, but your loved ones at well.  If you sight against God, rather than you solely facing the consequences for it,   He may hurt your loved ones as well for punishment.  This includes people who are already in Heaven.  Even if you’re a good follower, if, say, a family member isn’t they could damn you both.  There are fallen angels but no risen devils and all that.   It’s definitely one of the most interesting ( and damaging) beliefs I’ve come across.  I’m unsure how common it is but imaging Belos having similar beliefs just makes everything that much more tragic. Like imagine an all powerful being  wanting you to be the participator in a large, rather extreme deed. Like, how the fuck can you going to say no to that?  Any personal feelings could not be brought into the equation for the sake of self perseveration.  (Of course, I think Belos would do so regardless: God is supposed to be a good, all knowing being. How could He be wrong? Why would Belos go against that?)  Regardless, people rarely ever talk about how much religion influences Belos. It’s not just an  excuse, he genuinely believes all  that stuff. It’s not hyperbole to call Gravesfield a cult. Yes, Caleb is a central motivation, but claiming it’s Belos’s only one is dismissing an important aspect to his character. 

#Religion is more complex and diverse than people tend to give it credit for #the image of god(s) changes over time and is often unique to each person #wonder how Belos sees his God #ha ha imagine if Belos’s image of God is similar to the Collector ha ha #*gets crushed into pixel bits* #toh #emperor belos #philip wittebane #religious discussion #religion #tw religion #noelle's rambles

[adreamofequalityandpeace]

Can the subaltern speak?

Can the subaltern speak is a renowned colloquialism popularized by the writings of Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak. In her critically acclaimed essay “Can the Subaltern Speak” Spivak examines the way in which Western actors operate in the postcolonial climate of the Global South, arguing that Western influencers not only speak for the subaltern but also affect their political policies, participation and their placement in society. To come to this conclusion, Spivak analyzed the abolition of the Hindu rite of sati in India by the British and the death of a woman who had killed herself on her menstrual cycle to prove that she had not killed herself as the result of pregnancy due to an intra-marital affair. 

Because the woman wanted to ensure that she could not be accused of committing adultery, she waited until her menstrual cycle to commit her suicide; however, even after her death, Spivak spoke to family members who misbelieved that she had committed suicide due to illicit love or adultery. This phenomenon was astonishing for Spivak because Spivak noted that even in the politicalization of her death, the subaltern could not speak for themselves or be properly heard because even in her death, her voice was silenced and it was even to the extent that the woman felt like she needed to use her death to speak for herself. Moreover, she was still misquoted, misunderstood, and misheard by her community and, in doing so, even her death (whereas she committed herself fully to the expression of her being) became debateable. As a result, Spivak hypothesizes that the subaltern does have the ability to speak and can even speak for themselves but the subaltern does not have the ability to be heard by their political audience. 

During a discussion of the subaltern at an educational panel, Spivak commented that anyone who believes that they are the subaltern most likely are not the subaltern. As a result, no one can say that they are the subaltern. She argued that experiencing subjugation, marginalization, or oppression does not necessarily denote that someone is the subaltern. Instead, Italian Marxist Antonio Gramsci defined the subaltern as the colonial populations socially, politically, and culturally excluded and displaced by the hegemonic social class and the hierarchy of power. This process is necessary in colonial politics to deny the subaltern their voice, agency, and dignity, lowering their status to subordinate through characteristics of defiance and submission and should be distinguished from the concept of self-claimed marginalization. Whereas many individuals who are oppressed are able to find avenues through which they are able to voice their feelings and opinions, the subaltern has been completely kicked out of the political arena and are completely unable to speak for themselves. 

This isolating act often accompanied by silencing and repression is, in itself, intentional. In Orientalism, Edward Said argued that the idea of the “Other” was not only socially constructed but that the West produced the reality of the Orient and effectively controlled and managed it through a hegemony of power relations. As a result, the West intentionally created the “Other” and produced false images surrounding the identity of the “Other” so that the Western model can be considered the ideal. Historically in international relations, it is normalized for actors in the West to speak for or over non-Western voices of those in the Global South but Said believed that the binary opposition between the East and the West was misleading and destructive. Instead, it is necessary to question and combat the Eurocentric prejudice against Arab-Islamic (and African and indigenous) people and cultures that differ from the West.  In many cases, the subaltern is forced into the role of the “Orient,” acting as the “Other” in contrast to the West so that the West can position themselves as a hegemonic giant juxtaposed against the weak/docile subaltern who needs their assistance. This misbelief encourages them to believe that they need to police the subaltern and enables them to manage and control the subaltern. Spivak voiced this concern in her essay “Can the Subaltern Speak?” when she argued that the abolition of the Hindu rite of sati in India by the British had been understood as a case of “white men saving brown women from brown men.” When the British imposed political life on India, they created a colonial context by which white men speak for the “Other.” As a result, even if the subaltern in this case, which were Indian women, aimed to speak out against that issue, their voice could not be heard because this new political apparatus was speaking for them.  Many scholars have asked the question, “can the subaltern speak,” but few have acknowledged or questioned “can the subaltern be heard?” It is necessary to restructure the question to better understand that in a postcolonial context, the subaltern is able to speak but is not listened to by those in positions of power with the influence to change their situation or status. Spivak problematizes that the production of subaltern speech depends on controlling dominant discursive narratives and constructing the position that they can speak. In order for the subaltern to be able to truly speak, it is necessary that Western actors stop trying to speak on behalf of the subaltern because they already have the ability to speak for themselves, their voice has just been silenced and marginalized politically, socially, etc and because the subaltern can speak, it is necessary that we stop trying to speak for the subaltern and learn to listen to those whose voices have been silenced. Only then will we actually be able to help the subaltern, when we allow them to speak for themselves.

#subaltern #subaltern studies #gayatri spivak #edward said #orientalism

[moral-terpitude]

The Dead Rabbit - Part III

“Well, Thomas, we didn’t expect to hear from you this soon! Have you gotten settled?” His fathers face was cheery through the phone screen, although he did hold it a tad close to himself for Thomas’ comfort. The old man needed to trim his nose hairs.

“Yes,” he nodded, returning the cup of tea to its saucer as he shifted in the brown leather office chair. The technology felt a strong contrast to the environment he was surrounded by. “I wanted to call and wish you and mother a Happy Christmas early in case I don’t have time the day of. I will be having a guest.”

“A guest, Thomas?” His mother called from off screen. “Who is this guest?” His mother took the phone over from his father and Tommy could sense where the conversation was headed.

“I met a woman. I’ve invited her to join me for a few days through the holiday.” He did not hesitate. He didn’t fear their judgement. He was 35 years old and never cared what they thought about his relationships, no matter how short most of them had been.

His mother let out a disgruntled sigh, “Thomas you’ve been in that country for two—“

“I think it’s her.”

His mother was truly the better person to have this conversation with. His father had not patience for mysticism and spirits but Rose had. Rose knew just from the way he said it what he meant.

“Thomas you can’t think that you’ve met a woman one time and—-“ his father called from out of view but his mother interrupted this time.

“George let him be. What’s the harm.” She was stern with his father now as her footsteps signaled her retreat from the room, and in turn from her grumpy husband.

Rose was the one that had tried to convince her husband not to name their son after his distant relative. In all of the generations of Shelby men and women born there had been an unspoken rule: not a single child was to be named Grace or Thomas.

George was the least superstitious of all of his family members. In each generation there was some intermixing of names of the original generation of Peaky Blinders Shelby’s. With most of them being common names it was practically unavoidable, and with a diligence to family ancestry, he felt the name Thomas should be no exception. Thus, another Thomas Michael Shelby was born.

Tommy sipped his quickly cooling tea until his mother closed the bedroom door for them to continue their conversation in private.

“So.” She sat at the foot of the bed patiently waiting her sons explanation.

“Last night once I got done organizing the office at the Flat Iron I headed to that pub I had mentioned. The Dead Rabbit. It’s the worlds most awarded pub and has a curated list of whiskeys. It’s located in Manhattan There is an old warehouse for sale that is practically adjoined to it. Separated by a small alley. I figured if I talked to the owner of the pub, I could find the owner of the warehouse. If I were to make good with the owner of the pub, I could put the distillery in the warehouse and hopefully have a partnership.”

They had briefly discussed his ambition on a previous occasion of creating a large scale operation of recreating their family Gin and Whiskey recipes for distribution.

At present, each year on Boxing Day all of the men gathered at Arrow House and made a large batch, purely for family and important occasion gifting, of the recipe that their family had been making since United States Prohibition. During that time period, they also exported it to the dry areas, nestled into crates of cars and car parts, to sell for a hefty profit.

She waited patiently, not wanting to interrupt his revelation.

“By the time I left I knew it was her. I could…I could just feel it. She is the one that owns the pub, and I truly can’t think of more of a signal in the dark than finding her in the worlds most awarded pub, especially one with whiskey as a primary feature. Her husband committed suicide four years ago. She looks very similar, give or take a few of her features. She doesn’t dress the way most women do, more refined. Just the way she looked at me, the way she said my name…I don’t have a doubt in my heart it’s her. She didn’t hesitate when I asked her to come stay with me. Most women are too, for lack of a better term, stand-off ish for that. You wouldn’t hesitate to stay with a stranger if it’s someone who you truly know.”

She took a deep breath, realizing he truly had been giving this as much thought as he needed to. She believed him. Most everyone in the family did, whether they expressed it or not and face the wrath of George was another story.

In one hall upstairs there hung portraits of every man in the family that had been in the armed services. Both the older Tommy and the younger Tommy were practically identical, the largest difference only being their uniform.

“Well, it seems you have a plan. Only you know what you are looking for Thomas.”

He finished the last of the tea as they bid their goodbyes.

#peaky blinder fanfic #peaky blinders fanfic #peaky fucking blinders #peaky blinder headcanon #tommy shelby fanfic #tommy x grace #tommy shelby #eventual smut #modern day au #mysticism #tarot cards #modern!tommy #modern!tommy shelby #the dead rabbit

[smbilodeau]

Killing Machine

I wrote the following essay five years ago today, on the 84th anniversary of my mother's birth. It's five years later and we have made zero progress. Think about why that is while reading this, please.

-----

I don’t talk about guns much. I don’t own one, after all, and they don’t play a part in my day-to-day life.

It’s not because I’m afraid of them. It’s not because I don’t know how to use one. It’s not because I don’t know how to take care of one. I’ve known how to safely use a gun since I was eight or nine. I was on the Rifle Team in high school. I’ve had many instructors over the years, but the first person to teach me how to use a gun properly was my father.

For those who don’t know him, I’ll provide a little background information. He was a Marine combat medic during the Korean conflict. He served on the front lines during that conflict. Earned a Purple Heart there, pulling soldiers out of harm’s way to treat them, despite the shrapnel embedded in his arm. Kept pulling them out of harm’s way for days while wounded without getting treated himself, because he was in better condition than they were.

It took me decades to get the story of the scar on his arm from him. He doesn’t talk about that time in his life much. He also doesn’t own a gun. He knows what guns do to the human body, has had to deal with that first hand. He taught myself and my brothers that a gun isn’t a toy, it’s not for fun. It’s a tool designed with one purpose in mind: to kill. I don’t think that lesson really took for us, when he first told us. I know that it didn’t take for me. Do you know how much fun it is to fill a two-liter soda bottle with water, screw the top down tight, and then watch it explode when you put a round through it?

We had guns in the house when I was younger. My brothers and I each had our own single-shot .22 rifle. Used for plinking at the soda bottles I mentioned more than anything else. My dad had a shotgun for the annual Thanksgiving time deer hunting he and his brothers did. I don’t remember him ever bringing a deer home, so I’m not sure if he ever really used it for more than an excuse to spend time with his brothers. I know that I wanted to get old enough to go hunting with him and my uncles.

That was the gun my mother used to commit suicide.

That was when the “guns are not toys” lesson finally sank in.

My father hasn’t owned a gun since.

Today should have been my mother’s 84th birthday. I would love to be able to call her up and wish her a “Happy Birthday, Mom!” but I can’t. A gun took that away from me.

There is a fetishization about guns in this country. They’ve been romanticized since the founding of the country. The image of the backwoods patriot with his squirrel rifle fighting off the Redcoats in iconic. As is the image of the tough, good man with the fast draw, defending himself and his loved ones from the bad guys in nearly every western ever made.

Part of the problem, I suspect, is that the people who want guns the most are the ones who understand what they really do the least. They don’t protect you from your government. They don’t keep you safe in your own home. [Statistics say that you’re far more likely to kill yourself, or a family member, if you own a gun, then if you don’t. How is that safe?]

What they do, is give frightened people the illusion of safety. And for those people to be able to maintain that illusion, they’re willing to let our nation’s children be sacrificed regularly, and more and more frequently.

You know that it’s fear driving them, because you can NOT have a rational discussion with them about gun control, about the need for proper laws, and proper access, and proper training. There are more laws on the books for vehicle ownership, safety, and licensing, than for guns. Than for a tool whose only purpose is to kill. Think about that… It takes longer to buy a car than a gun in many states. AND you have to already be trained and licensed to operate the vehicle. The gun? Not so much.

How many of you who love your guns more than you love other people’s children have ever seen first hand what a gun can do? I’ve known what a gun is really used for, and what it can really do, since my mother’s death. Since I saw her corpse laying in its coffin, with its reconstructed face that bore almost no resemblance to her.

You want your guns so you can feel safe? Fine. I want sane gun laws to feel that my grandsons are safe when they leave for school. I want guns at least as tightly regulated as automobiles. Years of training. Licensing. Background checks. Limited amounts of ammo per person. Limited clip size. You want to keep a killing machine in your house? Fine. Then know how to use it. And know what it can do.

What it can do is destroy lives.

#Gun Control #Gun Control Now

[lyon-amore]

Tears for you One-shot

Set in chapter 7 I wanted to write how Macie was when Jake was missing, I hope you like it ^^ -------------------------------------------- It had to have been a weekend like any other. Of which I went with Lian and listened to how anxious she was for her baby to be born. Or just go for a walk.  But not.  I had been discouraged for two weeks, with no word from Jake.Lilly and I managed to crack his riddles, create the #IAmJake movement, but nothing. There was no news of him.  I couldn't deny that ever since I'd seen Jake's video, I'd watched it one too many times every night before I went to bed.Although on weekends, I repeated them depending on the time. Just to see how stupid I had been to say things I shouldn't have said to Jake.  I pet Henry who is lying next to me, while with the other hand I play the video.In it, a distorted image, along with a “familiar voice”. The only way to hide all traces of him.     “By the time you see this, I'll be gone.”      The first tears escaped me when I heard him say those words, had he really left? Without me being able to apologize to him for everything I said? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Macie Let's talk about Hannah's antidepressants  ??? It is that I would not have imagined that she could have depressions. But nothing changes us. In case you think something has been done. It is not something that has to be dealt with.  Macie For me, it is something that should be discussed ??? What are you talking about? Do you think we should stop looking for her, because Hannah might have done something to herself?  Macie I just want you to be prepared  ??? Change of subject.  Macie No, it's really important to me I just want to protect you  ??? Thank you. And now we change the subject. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That conversation must have left him crushed. A complete stranger was telling him that Hannah might have committed suicide, that maybe Jake had lied when he sent his voicemail and he was actually worried because she must have told him something. There were too many theories running through my head back then and Jake wasn't much help either. He was a bit more distant.     "I'm Hannah's half brother."      Those words hit my chest, because I had insinuated that his sister could have taken her own life, what kind of person was I? Ah, yes, one who didn't shut up, who gave her opinion without thinking about the consequences. I cry harder knowing that at that moment of insinuating it, he must have hated me, something I couldn't have endured. That's why I tried to copy him, so that the atmosphere would change.  But that didn't change what I had told him. Now, that memory hurt more than before. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Jake Macie? Do you think Hannah did something wrong?  Macie I guess so ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Who could say that to a family member? Who?!If I had known before that Jake was her brother, then I would have kept quiet about my thoughts back then. But… He couldn't hate me after that… right? Because he confirmed to me that he liked me when I told him I like him...  I think I think too much about it, but what do I do? I don't know where he is right now or what he's thinking. Perhaps he changed his mind after he told me that he missed me, that he reflected on his feelings and hated me after everything I told him about his sister.  I want to know if he is alright, if he has been able to settle somewhere or if he has eaten well… what if he is hurt? That running away they shot him and that's why he hasn't told me anything to worry me? I only have this video to comfort myself, to feel as close as possible to him again while I await his arrival. It was strange… I had never behaved like this before with any man. Not even with my first boyfriend, I mean… Everything was different with Jake. Perhaps it was ridiculous to say it, but it seemed like a part of me that was missing, did it make sense of what I was thinking? Maybe not, but it was how I felt with him. It was not the cliché “mystery boy”, there was something about him that attracted me, he was someone who cried out for help even if he didn't. Someone who felt that he needed me.    "Thank you for our conversations and for your bravery." My lip trembles at those words. It seemed more like a farewell than the last sentence. "We'll meet again when the time comes." I say his words at the same time. He told me that if I really needed him, he would be there.    "I swear since you were referring to Nymos, I'll never forgive you." I take the phone to my chest, clutching it against my body. "You said you wouldn't leave me alone…I don't want you to leave me too, Jake…I don't want to lose another person I love."  The message notification sound plays and I quickly look at it. To my disappointment, it wasn't Jake. But Brian, Lian's husband and a good friend of mine. Well... For now, because he kept wondering about what it had to do with the "criminal" that he and his team were chasing. When I found out, I felt betrayed. I had to lie to him.  And again, at this inopportune moment, he sends me another message. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Brian Macie, please, this is urgent. We need to talk now, don't put it off now. Trust me and I promise you that nothing will happen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  I dry my tears, letting out a big sigh. Why didn't he leave it and that's it? I had already told him that I had nothing to do with it. Although Brian was like me, intuitive. Maybe that's why we got along... Until now.     "I'm going to block you for a day." I mumble. I was very angry with him. I knew it wasn't his fault that I fell in love with a government-wanted hacker, but I wish he'd stop insisting. I had already told him everything I had to say.  I get another notification. Jessy. Hours earlier, we had learned that Phil had been arrested and he was terribly upset that some of the group were suspicious of him. I didn't, of course. But I was worried about Jessy. That your friends thought that about your brother without any proof, it must be painful. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Jessy Hello Macie ☹️  Macie Hello Jessy 😔  Jessy Sorry that I was disconnected  Macie Oh well you don't have to apologize for that -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  I could understand her anger and how unfair it was to be accused of something that you were not guilty of. The sad thing is that many times even though you proved your innocence, some people were going to point you out forever for not believing in you.It was horrible. Jessy had become a great friend of mine and what was happening to her was very unfair: first the attack and now the arrest of her brother. Things really didn't seem to be going well for her.  I wish I could do more, but until Jake came back, there was little I could do on my own. I knew about investigations, but not if it was about hacking important things. I really missed him... I wish I could talk to him about everything that was going on.  We were finally able to talk about the attack and I was honest that I felt that what had happened to her was my fault. Her words encouraged me by telling me that I was irreplaceable for everyone. Then, it changed to something that surprised me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jessy I have to ask you a favor I know it's asking a lot, but it could be very important for Phil Can you explain to me everything you and Jake have found out so far? And send me the files you found? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  I bite my lip. I refuse along with a 'I'm sorry'. I couldn't send her everything Jake and I had gotten. It was a pact between us not to teach everything we had found. I just had to be honest. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Macie With complete sincerity... I can't talk about these things right now Someone has tried to hack my phone  Jessy Oh God, what??  Macie You can imagine what is affecting me, right?  Jessy Yes 😕 Sure Pretty dodgy I'm sorry And... Is Jake? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I frown at her words. Everyone was making me doubt him, which I hated. Why can't they just trust me? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Macie No He would never do that ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The conversation ends with Jessy telling me to let her know if she could help me or talk to her. I thanked her and put the phone aside.     "Come on Henry, it's time for Mommy to take a shower… I can't stay in bed all day."      Henry doesn't move because he's still sleeping, yet he's still the only one I can tell everything that's going on. It was like therapy for me.   After a shower to clear my head and change into comfortable clothes, I watch Jake's video again. The vicious circle… The usual guilt… And that I wasn’t the one who published information about him. I've already made it very clear to Lilly, if Jake never comes back, I'll never forgive her. The notification sound sends my heart racing again, but then stops when I see it was Jessy.Seriously, I have to stop getting emotional every time I hear it, it's not good for my mental health. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jessy Hannah only had a single address saved in her car GPS And right in front of this house I am now  Macie I'm a bit confused now 🤔 I didn't know what you had in mind to do  Jessy Phil needs my help Macie 🙁 And besides, I've been wanting to see what was on Hannah's GPS for a long time Richy was convinced that Hannah didn't have a GPS in her car But Lilly sure she knew  Macie And the address is in Duskwood?  Jessy No, um Ashview Hills It's taken a while to get here, but I hope it's worth it So I'm going in now Wish me luck 😕  Macie Let me know later please ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nymos's warning jumps right when sending that message. I roll my eyes, along with a laugh.It was telling me that they was trying to access my camera. As if that were possible.     "Not today, gentlemen attackers." I say, hitting the reject button. The program fails and the warning continues.I stare at it for a while before reacting.     "No, you can't get in." I hit the decline button again and wait.It fails again.  I wait a bit after rejecting again. The screen cuts to black, then shows me some guys in ski masks. One was in a suit and the other wore a black shirt. Then I remember Brian's words: ‘’we need to talk now, don't put it off now.’’What if he had warned me? What if all this time it was them trying to access my phone? Would he really have come this far? I tremble scared as soon as they take out a computer. I didn't understand what they were trying to do. Then, when he press a button, another little screen appears. They were trying to access my camera.     "Jake… Jake?" Where are you? I need you…" I whisper to myself, my voice trembling. "Why me? What do these people want from me?"     The one in the suit points to the screen. Pointing at me. My eyes start to want to burst into tears. Feeling unprotected.  Within a few seconds, the connection drops. I look at the screen confused, it had returned to normal. I wait a moment, and instantly a message brings a smile to my lips. Happy to read those words. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  Jake Hello Macie. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  And finally, the tears I shed are of relief and happiness.

#duskwood #duskwood jake #duskwood mc #duskwood jake x mc #duskwood jessy #duskwood original character #original character #duskwood fanfic #duskwood everbyte #duskwood game #everbyte #everbyte game #everbyte studios

[starlit-dreaming]

ITBOMM Extras/Drafts + Announcement

Fandom: WMMAP Rating: G Ship: Eventual Lucathy, Felily, Calena, and more Note: the Twin Sibling AU that i tried so hard not to write, but i DID, so naturally i have to call myself out for writing it. will be cross-posted on ao3 and wattpad under the same title

A/N: oof this chapter kinda ran outta my hands and went from 4k to 5k+ lmao i also sort of just glossed over some details, but i’ll eventually go a little more in-depth at a later time

Arc 1: Beginning of the End 0 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

Arc 2: Of Princes and Villainesses 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21

Side Story: maybe, i’m afraid (verena/athanasios) 1 | 2

[Extras/Rewrite Announcement]

A/N:

Long time since my last update, and I will apologize for that since I didn't expect it to have been that long since then lmao

I've been rewriting ITBOMM!!!!!!

The reason for this is because there's a lot of scenes that I wanted to write, and a lot of storybuilding that I didn't have back then that I do now. There's a lot of interactions that I never got to write out prior to the timeskips, and there's a lot of relationships I'd like to better establish instead of just tossing everyone into the scenes in one chapter.

I'll be posting the rewrite under a new story as "re: in the back of my mind" and I'll be changing the title of this fic to ITBOMM. I'll be posting extra scenes, my outline, etc here, and mark it as complete.

CW: There is a scene where someone commits suicide. For those who wish to avoid it, I will be marking it as *** and ending the scene with the same marking. It isn't explicit and detailed, but I will still be marking it.

————————————————————

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear — or so the saying goes. He didn’t expect Odysseus to actually start attending their music lessons together, but he supposes that it doesn’t actually matter in the end. It should be a blessing in disguise, since it meant he could get to know the kid and regain some memories.

Should be, in theory.

Rather, what matters is how awkward Athanase feels when it comes to hanging out with a future anti-monarchy revolutionary leader, since his mother had stepped out of the room for several minutes. If you don’t see the issue with this, then allow me to paint the problem:

They were alone together. A member of the monarch’s family, and a future anti-monarch revolutionary.

“What did Your Highness say to make Lady Durk cry?” Odysseus had asked after a short while of silence. He seemed curious, despite his blank stare and monotone voice. Maybe he was just as bored as Athanase is, since they were both reading music scores and doing nothing but reviewing what they had just gone over while Countess Nightingale was out discussing something with Felix.

It was naïve of Athanase to think that nobody would’ve found out about Autumn. Felix was one thing, but if anyone else saw her crying, they’d think he was turning out to be more like his father, maybe. They knew Felix would keep his mouth shut, but if it were anyone else who saw her cry, word would spread like fire. For both of their sakes, he hoped she got away without being seen, but apparently not.

Still… it could’ve been worse. Odysseus was asking in a one on one conversation, without anyone else. Countess Nightingale didn’t seem like a blabbermouth, and the maids value their own life to gossip about the Imperial Prince’s playmate with other nobles around.

So that limited the amount of people who saw. Maybe Irene saw the crying and decided to get her brother to pry into the matter? It made sense…

At least it wasn’t his father — he’d probably ask if Athan found her to be a displeasing friend.

“Huh?” He blinked owlishly, trying to look as confused as he hoped he did. “What’re you talking about, Sir Odysseus? Why would big sis Verena cry?”

Athan was pretty fucking adorable — he knew this and was confident about this fact. He and Athy were blessed with damn good genes. Maybe, on a very slim chance, Odysseus would think he’s a cute and harmless person and that Autumn didn’t actually cry because of him.

“Hmm.”

Maybe his adoration for Ferdie was too strong. How the hell could anyone remain indifferent to his cute face?

. . .

Ah, he spoke too soon, Athanase thought, his eyes noticing the slightest red hue gracing Odysseus’ cheeks. The boy in question simply looked away as he muttered under his breath.

“Well… deserved…”

…?

Did he just scoff? His eyes had looked away, but Athanase could sense that there was a hint of scorn in his muttered voice. He was curious about what Odysseus actually said, but…

If he didn’t know any better, it sounded an awful lot like…

No, it couldn’t be.

Odysseus may be OOC for a character in Toska, but he was still a kid. Granted, no kids to his memories were ever really polite and cordial for the most part, but this was a world with a nobility setting.

(“Would you call me crazy, if I told you that I went back in time?” or so implies whatever character in a cliché rofan manhwa scenario.

Athanase waves the thought away.)

“I don’t know what you think might’ve happened, Sir Odysseus,” Athanase simply smiled. “Care to share your thoughts?”

“Ah, it was simply my imagination, Your Highness,” Odysseus politely responded with an obviously fake smile attached with the false pleasantries. “Forgive me for misunderstanding what happened. I was rather concerned if Lady Durk offended the Imperial Family.”

The way Odysseus apologized felt as if he were mocking him, especially with that twinkle in his eyes. He seemed greatly amused, actually. And it sounded like he himself saw her cry.

Maybe he wanted to know if his “rival” was out of the picture. Or miserable, depending on who he’s obsessed with.

Athan wanted none of Odysseus’ drama-starting shit.

‘He’s more of a brat than I thought,’ Athan absentmindedly thought, instead opting to refocus on his music sheet.

——————————

He could feel eyes staring at him, bearing into his soul.

A glance up, with a smile on his face, he sees his father, looking at him from where he sat at the dining table. Judging by the fact that Athy was nowhere to be seen, it was just Athan who arrived early.

“Good morning, papa!” Athan greeted sweetly, giving him a proper bow before moving to take his seat.

When he sits down he notices his father staring at him. Despite seeming expressionless, he couldn’t help but sense an unspoken displeasure.

Strange, did Athan do something wrong?

‘Maybe he just hates seeing my face as opposed to Athy,’ Athan absentmindedly thought, feeling a pang of bitter disappointment. It was hard not to hate his sister, even though she hadn’t done a damn thing.

The doors open up and in walks Felix holding Athanasia, who he promptly lets down after a glare from his father. He watches her dart around the table, the slightest blur of blonde heading towards their father, giving the man in question a hug.

Huh. When did Athy start getting so affectionate with him?

——————————

Interacting with Athy is, to put it bluntly, weird.

The realization that the original Athanasios hated his older sister made it hard to think of her as the same dumbass sister he cared about. On top of that, the loss of his twin telepathy made it difficult for him to understand her thought process now as if they were strangers. Knowing her, she was probably screeching profanities at him for ignoring her, since she didn’t know what was happening.

Her thoughts were always so loud, too…

Losing the telepathy was a huge blow, because now it left them with only one faucet of their personalities. He had a role to play as a sweet and gentle musician genius, while Athy was a cheerful and friendly prodigy who enjoyed learning. Their telepathy allowed them to just be two young adults in the same unfortunate circumstance.

But, he didn’t want to reconcile with her, if he had to be honest. It was necessary for the sake of convenience, yes, but unwanted.

Unlike him, Athanasia was “complete” in his eyes. She wasn’t burdened by lack of memories, she wasn’t shackled with comparisons purely by being recognized as a genius. Maybe she was the golden child, favoured by looking the most and acting like their mother.

His sister was not controlled by her memories and lack thereof. Not like he was, with his obsession with memories.

Even so, their conversation was inevitable.

He knew it was, and with most of his memories all over the place, he just didn’t want to talk about it. Talking about his lack of memories would only invite questions that he couldn’t answer, questions that he himself wasn’t ready to hear.

‘She doesn’t need to know that this is my third life,’ he concludes, ‘But I’ll tell her about Autumn, otherwise she’ll be too wary of her being so close to me. She already wasn’t happy about me going to Arlanta, either, but Felix managed to get his foot in the door negotiation-wise.’

Felix opens the door, allowing him to poke his head in and see his sister and her playmate.

“Athy, can I play with you?” Athan asked rather sweetly with a smile. “Big sis Verena wanted to talk to Lucas.”

“Of course, Athan!” Athy cheered, smile wide and clearly fake.

Lucas only raised a brow at the odd request from Autumn, but Athan supposed it was justified. Lucas was an outlier, and Autumn wanted to figure out if he really is an unrelated person to this world.

Maybe he’s a transmigrator like them, Athan truthfully considered. Like an OC in fanfics — original characters were a hit or miss with him, but he often made exceptions if he was desperate for a fanfic. Lucas seemed like a cliché self-insert OC — black hair and red eyes, a classic combo that would only be a better fit if he was a mysterious stranger with a tragic backstory…

Focus.

“Why have you been ignoring me?” Athy frowned, puffing up her cheeks in clear displeasure. “Ever since I woke up, you never talk to me like normal!”

“Me ignoring you?!” Athan scoffed. “You’re one to talk! You’ve been acting like I don’t even exist!”

“What?”

“What?” he hissed. “What part of that don’t you understand? You’re the genius here.”

——————————

‘Autumn, where are you?!’ Athanase panicked, calmly taking a sip of tea. ‘How do I deal with your obsessive gay son?!’

‘Bitch — where am I? Where the fuck’re you?!’

Autumn’s thoughts practically screeched at him from across the Marquisate.

——————————

Ferdinand Milford is a surprisingly chatty kid. It often grated on his nerves, but oddly enough, there were moments where he did feel fond of Ferdie’s dumb comments. Maybe the original Athanasios was much more familiar with the guy?

He almost reminded him of Athanasia, whenever she tried to urge him to tag along with her.

How was she adjusting to life without him, especially without the telepathy?

Maybe it’s for the best that he doesn’t know.

——————————

“I don’t get it,” Athanase frowned. “I said the same thing word for word as I remembered, but it only made her angry.”

“Did you do anything different?” Autumn asked.

“Not that I can remember,” he shook his head.

“Well surely you must’ve done something,” Autumn wearily said with a wry smile, finally looking over to him. “Charlotte dislikes men, and yet according to your memories, you and our families were the exceptions.”

“But I really didn’t do anything different…”

“That may be, but you need to remember that you’re not the same person any more. You experienced a childhood where you are loved and cherished. Even if she, too, is cherished by her loved ones, maybe you won’t be able to relate to her at all in this life because you’re no longer the same as you once were.”

He hated that thought — a small part of him desperately wanted to know more about Charlotte.

It was a rather ugly feeling.

“I don’t want that,” he quietly admits. “I want to see her smile.”

“You’re surprisingly stubborn about this,” Autumn blinked.

“I don’t remember much, but she was important to me.”

——————————

“I… don’t want to have a painful death.”

She is a beauty beyond compare, though her face was sickly pale with chapped lips. He tries not to note the lack of red hues her lips used to have, nor did he say much as his hands cupped her cold hands. Her eyes are beautiful, but they are now muted orange-yellow sunsets — he still loves them, he still loves her, but it breaks his heart to see her in so much pain.

“Wouldn’t that be nice? Surely you agree, dear.”

“Yeah,” he quietly says, placing his hand next to her as she laid in bed and watching her weakly bring his hand to cup her cheek.

“Do you think I’m being horrid for thinking my family is selfish, love? For saying such horrid things. Mother and father keep telling me to hold on a little longer and have faith,” she weakly huffed. “Sister-in-law keeps telling me that she’ll find someone to save me, and then my elder brother insists that I’ll survive this ordeal, even though he looks away as though ashamed.”

“No,” he wryly smiles, running his fingers through her long blonde hair, watching as her shoulders relax. “I would say the same, if I were plagued with this cursed affliction without a known cure.”

“Truly, my beloved understands me best,” she smiles in return, and he notices how her eyes grow misty. “Am I terrible, having these bad thoughts? For wanting them to cut it out and be realistic?”

“Of course not,” his eyes softened. “They’re trying to handle the situation by having hope, but it’s hurting you the most.”

“I know they mean well,” she states as tears begin to fall. “But it makes me feel all the more guilty for leaving them.”

“Yeah, I know,” he nods, taking his handkerchief out as he wipes away her tears.

——————————

“I will leave you and the princess be — I won’t even try to covet her holy beast. In exchange, I ask that you don’t interfere with the wish I must grant.”

“And whose wish are you talking about?”

“Why, my princess, of course. Isn’t it obvious?” she smiled at him. “Even if she’s not the same person, I must accomplish what’s been asked.”

——————————

“Would you hate me,” [][][][][][][][][] had started, looking off into the horizon, “If I were to be consumed by my short-sighted quest for revenge? If I abandon my ideals of knighthood in exchange for the power it takes to defeat those who have wronged us? If I were to ever become the monster that I had sought to destroy… what would happen, if I stray?”

He raised his hand to cup [][][][][][][][][]’s cheek, speaking gently, tenderly, “I would kill you myself.”

His eyes softened.

“Good.”

——————————

***

She sits on the windowsill, calm and quiet as the wind brushes through her long pale blonde hair. The weight of her dress fell at her sides, a clear indication that she was skinnier than before. Her face sullen, and the skin of her hands had hugged her so that he could see the bone structure.

So, he dimly thinks as realization creeps up on him as if it had always been a known fact. This was the reason why she was hiding away. Up in a room away from everyone in the mansion.

[][][][][][][][][] twirled a flower between her fingers. If anyone from noble society saw her now, they might actually believe her to be a mere ghost, waiting for her time to come.

“[][][][][][],” he quietly says, watching as his beloved wistfully twirls the flower in her hand.

“Ah. I’ve been caught.”

Despite the nonchalant response, she looked rather guilty.

Guilty about taking off without him, he knows.

“You’re leaving.”

It was not a question.

[][][][][][] doesn’t smile at him, and instead wistfully smiles at the flower in her hand.

A precious and pretty flower that will soon wither away.

(She, too, will wither away.)

“I am glad that it was you who found me, and not another soul, my dove.”

He was speechless.

She was now leaving.

She was now leaving by choice.

“Maybe in another life, we would have had a chance,” [][][][][][] bitterly chuckles, her eyes dull from losing its vibrant shine, her dry pale lips curled like wilted flowers.

The sun was shining behind her, illuminating her presence.

She was beautiful, as always, forever in his eyes.

Always tragically beautiful.

“Maybe next time,” she breathes.

At that moment, she finally looks at him, properly then.

“Maybe next time,” he smiles at her, because that’s what she would want to see in her final moments, and she smiles back, elation clear in her eyes.

That was it, he thinks, that’s the smile he longed to see.

. . .

And then she…

And then, she was gone.

“Maybe next time,” he tells himself, finally crumpling to the ground as the tears pour out and his smile withers away.

Maybe next time, he would’ve had the strength to save her from herself.

Maybe next time.

***

——————————

‘What the fuck do I do?!’ Autumn internally screamed, clutching her teacup as Claude’s eyes bore into her.

‘Spit it out!’ Athan cried. ‘Spill the tea!’

Without much thought, Verena coughed, her tea spilling onto her.

“Are you okay, Lady Verena?!” Lady Iris, who was seated at her side, immediately reached out her handkerchief to Autumn.

“Ah… my apologies,” Autumn demurely stated, taking the handkerchief calmly, despite the internal screaming that only Athanase could hear. “I didn’t expect the tea to be as bitter as it was, so the fault lies with me…”

“We’ll just have to make sure there’s more sugar next time for you, Lady Verena,” Athan smoothly stated as he smiled at her before looking at Claude who continued to stare on with a frown. “Papa, may I be excused, so I can show Lady Verena where the dressing rooms are?”

Claude didn’t bother to hide his displeasure, as he narrowed his eyes at Autumn with the most loathsome look. “You are to return as soon as you’re done,” he stated with a more neutral look as his focus returned to Athanase, looking rather disinterested despite Felix seeming to hold back a laughing fit. “There will be no delays.”

“Of course, papa!” Athan chirped as he and Autumn left the room.

. . .

“So scary!” Autumn let out a heavy gasp as she leaned against Athan’s shoulder the moment the doors closed. “If looks can kill, I’d be dead again!”

“Chill, bro. You’re overreacting,” Athan rolled his eyes at her dramatics as he snapped his fingers, instantly cleaning the tea stains. She shot him a confused look. “Dad doesn’t know yet, but I’ve been getting better at magic.”

“He’s gonna murder me in cold blood if he finds out I know that fact before him,” Autumn cried, her face getting red and blotchy. “I have to walk on eggshells if I value my life.”

“Yeah, yeah, wallow about my so-called tsundere dad,” Athan shook his head at her dramatics. “I’ll at least walk you to the dressing room before I leave you alone, so you can focus on planning your funeral.”

“How nice,” Autumn pouted, wiping her eyes with the handkerchief Iris gave. “A companion until my demise.”

——————————

“Dance with me,” Autumn says, looking at him softly. “Stop thinking about it, about them, and just savour the moment we have in this peace and quiet.”

“…I don’t think I can do that.”

“I understand that you have a broken heart,” Autumn whispered, placing her hand over his. “And you can cry all you’d like, but it helps to grieve over something that wasn’t meant to be bit by bit.”

“…you sound like you’ve had your own heart broken.”

“Yes,” Autumn softly murmured. “My heart never stood a chance.”

When did she get a broken heart? She never told him anything in their past life.

“You sound as if you were in love.”

“I was.”

“Who was it?”

“…someone who had no future.”

——————————

“It’s difficult being bisexual in a noble society where it just doesn’t seem to be the norm,” Verena sighed.

“Try being an actual member of the royal family and bisexual. Athy keeps teasing me about the gentlemen — not sure why she’s not teasing me about my potential suitors, but I’m thankful that she hasn’t,” Athan dryly stated. “What’s up with everyone, anyway? There’s not a single ugly person out of all the people I’ve encountered,” he looked at Verena and wrinkled his nose in distaste. “Including you, too.”

“As a marriage candidate of yours, I suppose I should be grateful you think of me to be attractive,” Autumn pursed her lips, obviously displeased at his compliment. “You’re not a sight for sore eyes either, unfortunately.”

“It’s called having good genes,” Athanase dryly stated. “Is there an actual reason you were wistfully sighing over your sexuality?”

“Lilian York,” Autumn simply stated as Felix awkwardly tried to ignore their conversation. Briefly, Athan pitied the guard, but also, he found it quite amusing to watch him feign ignorance in the aftermath of all his conversations with Autumn.

Felix was interested in Lily, wasn’t he? It would be fun to try and tease him…

But still.

“My nanny?” he raised a brow. “Really?”

“She’s young, she’s single, she’s devoted,” Autumn huffed, placing a hand on her hip. “She’s pretty, she’s very sweet and kind, she’s mother material—”

“—Alright, you’ve made your point,”  he interrupted, pinching the bridge of his nose. “And you’ve also made it abundantly clear that you’ve no interest in anyone in our generation. It’s not like you can make it even more clear.”

He froze.

That sounded like a challenge.

Athan did not intend to challenge her.

For a moment, Autumn is quiet. There’s a sinking feeling in his chest, as if he’ll loathe this conversation for years to come. They make eye contact.

“Don’t—” Athan hissed.

“Duke Robain,” Autumn seriously stated as Felix immediately choked and stared at them in baffled disbelief. Athan didn’t blame him, he would’ve reacted the same way if Autumn mentioned his own father. Even then, his father wouldn’t be too terrible of an answer since Duke Robain was likely in his 50s-60s by now. To an outsider, it would simply make Autumn seem as if she were into grandparents.

She probably would’ve said his father’s name, if she didn’t value her own life. It was fortunate that she gave no fucks after Felix found out about her interests in mothers and fathers.

Still, he made a face, wrinkling his nose as he very much judged her blatant disregard for manners.

“Can you not?”

“Duke Robain.”

He heaved a heavy sigh, deliberately choosing to ignore her as he takes a sip of his tea.

“Duke. Robain.”

“I heard you the first time, and I prefer to leave it at that,” Athan flatly shot back, placing his cup of tea back down. “Now, will you kindly shut up?”

She did not kindly shut up.

“He’s gorgeous, Prince Athanase!” Autumn seemed to practically swoon. “Duke Robain is my ideal man. The silver-grey is a lovely combination with his red hair, and his voice is just—!” Autumn squealed. “And he’s just so gentlemanly.”

“Duke Robain is, what, three times our physical age, now?” he rubbed his temple, feeling a headache creeping in. “And need I remind you that we haven’t even debuted yet, at the very least?”

“He’s only, like, 45, last I recall,” Autumn confidently stated. Well shit, there goes his guess. He keeps forgetting that high society’s wack like that with their marriages and crap. “And Duke Robain has yet to remarry. And you debut in four years — we have time. I need to plan a memorable first meeting!”

“Right…” he slowly spoke, his eyes trailing away from his companion and over to Felix, who appeared very much horrified by the conversation and very much wishing he never heard a word. “Good luck with that, I suppose.”

——————————

“Don’t!” Odysseus had shouted, trying to cover Athanase’s face. “Don’t look!”

“Sir Odysseus…?”

“Please… don’t try to remember.”

As if mocking Odysseus, the flames roared, a scream accompanying it.

And Athan, he… he…

He blacks out.

. . .

Everything ached in a way that felt unfamiliar to him.

He hears the cackling fire and frowns, opening his eyes. The room was getting uncomfortably warm, and he couldn’t move much, nor could he speak.

And that’s when he sees it — a fire burning the building, reaching towards him in an agonizingly slow pace. He tried to break away, only to realize that he was tied to a chair, with a piece of cloth over his mouth.

He tried to squirm, but it was no use—

It was only then that he heard a faint shout, screaming for him.

That very same person had reignited the hope he had lost in the midst of despair.

“[][][][][][][][]! Please, answer me! Your Highness, Prince—”

——————————

“You don’t even like physical labour!” Athan stated in clear exasperation.

“Just  because I don’t want to be a swordsman doesn’t mean I’m not interested  in the art as a writer!” Verena argued back as Athy watched them, taking  a sip of her tea as she watched the two argue. “Besides, knights who  can use magic are sexy and popular in literature nowadays!”

“You  just want to write a love story involving a prince and a knight,” Athan  shot back. “You even wrote that smut fic involving, well, you know.”

“That’s not true! That’s not true!” Verena screeched, covering her ears as she pointedly avoided eye contact.

“Says FFN User Starshine-Dreaming!”

“No,  no, no!” Verena cried. “Drop it! I stopped writing on FFN for a reason,  Athan! When in heavens are you finally going to stop reminding me about  it all?!”

“Who knows,” he flatly responded. “Maybe I’ll  be reminding you for the same length of time that I’ve waited for a  chapter update — several years, bitch.”

“It’s been more than six years! Get over it already, asshole!”

“Six in the previous life, but eight including now!” Athan hissed. “Fourteen years in total, Autumn!”

——————————

“So… I might have fucked up canon this time,” Autumn immediately started the conversation with a pleasant smile on her face.

“Excuse me?” he blinked, taken aback as he looks at her.

“Hari Ernst,” Autumn sheepishly grinned.

“Autumn… what did you do?” he groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Eheh… well, I have a little sister now! Surprise?”

“You didn’t.”

“I did,” she sheepishly nodded, taking a sip of her tea as she avoids eye contact. “Brother and I were out shopping together, we ended up finding Hari, and brother pitied her, so we proposed that maybe we took her into the family. Auntie needs an heiress, last I recall.”

“Dude… didn’t the oldest of the Ernst boys like Hari, even though she practically looks like she could be their sister’s twin with how similar they look to each other? I did not torture myself with reading that damn novel to reach this point, dammit.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” Autumn nodded. “Besides, didn’t you say that it would be a good idea to befriend the Ernst Family? I hear that they’ll be partaking in the Hunting Competition. Who knows, maybe if the future heiress of the Pompidou Family ends up charming the future Duke of the Ernst Family, we’ll have ourselves a proper alliance by marriage going on.”

“Do you honestly believe, to the gods above, that Eugene would marry into the Pompidou Family?”

“…We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

——————————

“So, my aunt will be adopting Hari — er, Harley — and it turns out, since my uncle refuses to adopt her since she’s from the streets, she’ll remain a Demirci. When Hari — fuck, Harley —inherits the title, she can keep the name.”

“That doesn’t sound plausible to a noble society…”

“Oh, I don’t doubt that. I just opted to talk to His Majesty.”

“You talked to my dad?”

“All I did was mention that you thought Pompidou is a dumb name and that you felt bad that Hari — HARLEY — was going to be called by that name when she gets older. And that it’d make you really happy if she could go by Demirci, so you should maybe act really cute with His Majesty like Her Highness, Princess Athanasia.”

“…right. Also, you know it’s fine to still call her Hari, right? If anyone notices then just say it’s a nickname.”

“…why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Cause it was funny watching you struggle over something so simple.”

“Wow, what a bitch.”

——————————

“We need to talk.”

Autumn’s smile faltered the moment she heard those words. “Oh no, are we breaking up?”

“What?”

“I swear I’ll change, babe!” Autumn stated, slumping in her seat over the table. “Please don’t leave meeee.”

“Autumn, the fuck’re you on about?”

“You said the classic breakup intro, dude. I had to do it for the sake of our readers. What if they got their hopes up regarding our relationship? No, no! Things like this ought to be clearly defined.”

“…my best friend’s going crazy. Look, nobody would ever ship us — except for maybe a few crazy multi-shippers. Like yourself. Even my sister’s against the very thought of it. She’d rather I start crushing on Ijekiel, and everyone knows how popular I’d be with him! Plus, the majority of our readers don’t want me to end up with a girl.”

“Damn. Way to hurt me right where it hurts the most. I can’t believe I’m un-shippable with my own bestie…”

——————————

“You should be fine,” Autumn snorts, taking a sip from her glass. “Common noble etiquette dictates that you should never approach someone of higher status for a dance. Princess Athanasia is more approachable. Just frown at everyone and you’ll be good.”

“So I should treat them like bugs the same way my dad does,” Athan concluded.

——————————

***

“As you already know by now,” she weakly says, “Athanasios died. In my rewrite, I tried to figure out a way to keep him alive, I wanted to give the twins a happy ending.”

That was surprising — she never told him that.

“No matter what I tried to write, I couldn’t imagine him being alive at the end of Toska. Somehow, or some way, he was going to end up dying. It was the main reason why I stopped posting updates in the first place. I wanted to finish it, though, at least for you, when I found out that you read my story. I wanted to finish rewriting Toska for you, but then you…”

But then he died.

She had no reason to finish her story, if the one she rewrote it for wouldn’t even be there to read it.

“And it was… it was the same. For Athanasios. He…” she refused to look up from her teacup, but he could already see where she was going with this.

“Athanasios died in your rewrite.”

Just like he did.

Verena says nothing, but that alone is enough of an answer.

Athanase slowly nods as dawning realization washes over him. And he remembers that dream, where he spoke to Diana, and the way he moved closer to the ledge.

.

(He feels a twinge of guilt, a pain in his chest, for what he was about to do.)

.

“He jumped from a tower.”

Nothing.

.

(There is something about him that she sees, and he knows this, because there is a moment that her soft smile crumples. Tears pour out as his mother becomes distraught, sadness splashing him in waves, but he stands still — unyielding. He finally takes a step closer to the balcony, hands touching the cold stone.)

.

“And he chose to do it. He wasn’t pushed, he wasn’t threatened, he wasn’t manipulated, he wasn’t in any danger.”

His throat felt dry.

He knows.

“It was a deliberate choice. Athanasios… he wanted to die.”

.

(An image of Diana standing on the balcony, crying as she tries to stop her son who only shakes his head and smiles, who tells her “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough.”

The sensation of stepping on the ledge, ignoring his silently crying mother.)

.

“Athanasios got tired of living,” he quietly says.

Verena closes her eyes, tears spilling forth as she never looks at him. She says nothing, again, as he figures it all out, slowly and verbally voicing the thoughts aloud, a sick and twisted feeling rising from within.

He feels nauseous.

.

(An image of long black hair whirling in the wind comes to mind, high up on a rooftop, staring up at the darkening skies above. Lips curling up into a smile as they ignored the painful aches of their bones. The feeling of freedom just within their reach…)

.

“I got tired of living.”

And it should be alarming, really, but it doesn’t surprise him.

He always believed that he wasn’t the sort of person to just… jump to end his life, and yet he did — he has, he had, he might. With a compelling enough reason, it was a magical excuse to end it all.

It just so happened that wanting death was reason enough.

.

(“I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough. Maybe next time.”)

.

In his previous life — lives, maybe — he wanted to die.

She doesn’t need to tell him the reason why she never finished the rewrite anymore. He did exactly what Athanasios had done. It must’ve felt terrible, reading your own writing meant for a friend who died, only for that very person to die in the same exact way, albeit in different circumstances and situations, in different places and times.

But for the same reasons.

It still happened, even if he never thought he would consider…

.

(He died.)

.

“You did,” Verena softly confirmed, but she didn’t really have to, not after his memory was steadily returning with more clarity and pain. “And that’s why you died in our last life together.”

People are complicated. They’re irrational or logical, fuelled by motivations or lack thereof. They’re complicated, righteous or morally grey, or downright psychotic or had been sane this whole time. Their actions could be done for stupid or convoluted reasons that most just wouldn’t be able to recognize from the get go.

The answers can be difficult to answer, because sometimes a reason why things happen include multiple issues, little things that build up over time.

And sometimes, the answer he’s been looking for really is as simple as that:

“You were tired, Athanase.”

.

(“I’m… tired.”)

***

#fic: in the back of my mind #wip tidbit #wynter writes

[werewolfetone]

Tying into the previous ask, how did you become interested in United Irishmen? Why do you admire them? And also, who were they (a bit of a rundown please)?

I became interested them first through my research into Lord Castlereagh, given his involvement in the rebellion. The biggest reasons I admire them are 1. their devotion to the principles of the French Revolution, which was a rare(ish) thing for a group of people in the 18th century British isles; 2. their other principles. I can definitely support the ideas of universal suffrage and Irish republicanism; and 3. I really appreciate the fact that they didn't discriminate based on religious belief, which is also a pretty rare thing for time and place.

And a rundown on who the United Irishmen were:

They originally began as a political debating club in Belfast, growing out of groups such as the Northern Whig Club. They were also influenced significantly by the Volunteers, which were groups of local militia originally raised to protect against invaders while the regular army was off fighting in American in the 1770s, but who went rogue and started putting extremely effective pressure on the British government for increased rights for non-Anglicans in Ireland.

The group was peaceful at first, being just a place for people of all religious affiliations to discuss new radical political ideas, but when the pro Catholic Lord Lieutenant was kicked out and replaced by the more harsh Lord Camden, they began to grow more militant. Not helping the matter, also, was the fact that their ranks were swelled by members of the Defenders (secret underground Catholic murder gang) who had been run out of Ulster by the Peep O' Day Boys (secret underground Protestant murder gang), and who were more than happy to kill government agents. Eventually they planned a rebellion, which involved a French invasion, but unfortunately this failed (twice). There was a rebellion, but it was disorganised, leaderless, and was easily crushed.

Notable members:

Theobald Wolfe Tone: Probably the most famous member, he wrote An Argument On Behalf Of The Catholics In Ireland (despite being Protestant himself), which protested the Penal Laws and argued for Catholic Emancipation. He was kicked out of Ireland in 1795 after he was caught speaking with a French spy, and after some time in America he sailed to France, where he helped put together a planned French invasion of Ireland, which failed, and then put together another, smaller one, which succeeded. However, the French still lost and he was caught by the British and dragged to Dublin, where he was sentenced to death and committed suicide the night before he was supposed to be executed.

Lord Edward FitzGerald: The other most famous member, he was a veteran of the American War of Independence and a soldier who had the job of arming the rebels. He also spent time with Thomas Paine in revolutionary France before returning to Ireland and going into hiding after most of the other leaders were arrested, but he was eventually captured (in an extremely dramatic fashion) and he died in prison. Also, fun fact, he was Charles James Fox's cousin.

Samuel Neilson: A Belfast wool merchant who originally came up with the idea of the United Irishmen as a group for people of all religious groups who wanted Irish independence. He also ran the Northern Star newspaper, which was the United Irishmen's propaganda organ. This led to him being arrested multiple times, and eventually he was exiled to America, where he died of yellow fever.

Henry Joy McCracken: Another wool merchant who ended up running the... ah... more militant arm of the organisation. He was (probably) in charge of many of the assassinations pulled off in the 1790s, and he went to prison several times for it. He also led armies in multiple actual formal battles, before being captured and hanged despite his sister's attempts to save him.

Mary Ann McCracken: Henry Joy's sister, she ran the family business and campaigned for women's rights and for worker's rights. She was also in charge of the women's wing of the United Irishmen.

Thomas Russell: A close friend or McCracken and Tone, he was a key figure in organising an alliance with the militant Catholic Defenders. He was arrested in 1798 and held until 1802, after which he promptly got involved in Emmet's rebellion, which he died for.

Arthur O'Connor: A leader who was basically forced to do all of the paperwork all of the time. He went to prison early on, and from there negotiated for the lives of many of the prisoners, which involved the government "allowing" them to go into exile in return for confessions. He went to France after the failed uprising and tried to get Bonaparte to give him a fleet to invade Ireland, but they disagreed because O'Connor refused to give up his principles and become a Bonapartist, so the plans fell through and O'Connor was forced to sort through the wills of dead United Irishmen from France for the rest of his life.

Oliver Bond: He didn't really do anything incredibly important BUT a lot of the leaders were arrested at his house, which was their meeting place. If you ever see "arrested at Bond's," that's what that means.

William Orr: A farmer who was accused of being a United Irishman and who was killed for it despite strong evidence that he didn't do anything. He became a martyr for the whole movement, with "Remember Orr" being their rallying cry.

Robert Emmet: The man who led the 1803 rebellion. He's honestly his own thing but I'm including him here for completion.

#tw violence #tw death #tw sectarianism #lord camden #lord castlereagh #united irishmen #1798 rebellion #1803 rebellion #wolfe tone #lord edward fitzgerald #samuel neilson #henry joy mccracken #mary ann mccracken #thomas russell #arthur o'connor #oliver bond #william orr #robert emmet #irish history