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hamliet · 2 years

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The Masterpiece That Is Queer as Folk

Well, right before a reboot is set to come out, I finally got around to watching a show I first heard about (albeit without knowing the name) when it came out while I was like, eight years old. I then got in huge trouble for even mentioning to my parents that a friend had told me about a show with two boys french-kissing in a shower (okay, eight would’ve been way too young to see it, but still, fundie Christian memories ✨).

And, I fell hard for this story. I genuinely think this is one of my favorite stories ever, definitely favorite TV show, with writing to parallel MXTX’s levels of wringing the most potential out of every little detail. The writing is of a consistently high quality throughout its five seasons, without a single weak season (although there was the occasional weaker plotline), which is something I don’t think I can say for pretty much any other completed TV series I’ve seen. I love, love, love this story, and those of you know have been following me for awhile know how rarely I say that.

It’s explicit, often gratuitously so, but honestly that’s part of its charm and message: it’s loud and unashamed of itself, even when that makes it crass. It’s tired of being shut up inside a closet and it’s going to make it your problem if you choose to watch (and in doing so, mimic the journeys of its characters learning to feel and love and grow into human beings without apologies).

Brian, Justin, Hunter, Ben, Michael, Debbie, Emmett, Ted--they were all fantastic characters with complexity to boot. It seemed like many of them could be stereotypes--particularly Brian or Emmett--but to call them stereotypes is blatantly wrong. There was just so much intricate complexity woven into each character’s psyche. If anything, it seemed almost like taking back the stereotypes by infusing them with humanity (one of the major themes: learning how to be human). It was existentialist, philosophical at parts, and genuinely moving.

Brian could be seen as a stereotypical promiscuous gay man, but he is really a wounded child. Melanie can seem like a typical “butch” lesbian, but she has the arguably biggest and most sentimental heart in the series. Debbie is the voice of reason and moral compass, but also can get too caught up in her beliefs that she is a good person and hurt those around her. Ted seemed like a typical “loser” character whom I actually struggled to like through the first two and a half seasons... before his descent into addiction, which felt like one of the most humanizing portrayals of addiction I’ve seen. Ben and Hunter are both HIV positive, and neither of them are characterized by their illness or have their arcs primarily be about suffering and death porn.

Admittedly, some parts haven’t aged super well. but without some of those elements (namely, the age difference between Justin and Brian), I’m not sure the story could have pulled itself off with the same poignant psychological insight, the same provocative themes, and the same character depth. So, that one I’m giving a pass on a literary perspective. Other parts that didn’t age super well are that really aren’t any trans or bisexual (although it seems like Hunter is bisexual, though the idea is never really labeled) or nonbinary characters, plus almost everyone is very white. It’s a very outdated understanding of sexuality in some ways (although in other aspects, the show is quite forward-thinking in others--for example, it says “acab” before it was cool).

So let’s break down Hamliet’s thoughts on different themes, motifs, plotlines, and symbolism. I’m going to start with Justin and Brian’s relationship, because it really did form the beating heart of the show in encapsulating, without fail, the main themes of each and every season.

Brian and Justin: Being Human Means Growing and Grieving (Season One)

Brian: Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure, and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. Then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl, and get married.

Justin: That's not what I want. I want you.

Came in skeptical about this relationship, left convinced.

Through season one, Justin and Brian’s issues build into the tragic finale through the themes of growth and loss that run through each episode of the entire season. Growth is what makes us human, but growing, living, always ends in death eventually.

At first glance, Brian seems to be the character who goes after everything he wants... but he actually is running away from what he wants. Justin is the one who actually goes after what he wants: he is super clingy to start with, to the point where it’s a bit cringe--but also, surprisingly earnest and honest.

Brian has the opposite problem to Justin’s clinginess: he’s dead inside and pushing everyone away from him. Brian acts like he owes nothing to anybody and desperately has sex with every man he can, and makes a “big spectacle of everything” (as Debbie tells him), all in a childish attempt to feel something, anything at all. He wants to be human. He wants to be alive. But he doesn’t feel like he’s either of these things. His refusal to grow up is not so much a rejection of maturity so much as it is a rejection of his life in general: how can you grow, when you were never alive in the first place?

Justin’s clinginess, while initially a flaw, is actually what makes the relationship perfect: Brian would never grow if he was not relentlessly pursued by someone who also asked things of him (Lindsay and Michael, while great friends, rarely ask things of Brian, while Justin does). Justin's childlike faith in humanity in some ways (and, admittedly less-charmingly, black and white way of thinking) helps Brian experience those things for the first time. The irony of course is that Justin seems like he wants to grow up--have sex, move out of his home, getting a fake ID--while Brian claims he wants to stay young, yet before Justin avoids anything actually innocent. When he finally starts opening up to Justin and his innocence, he’s confronted with what he’s been avoiding the entire season: grief.

Brian needs to grieve his own nightmare childhood and his own issues, or else he can’t ever grow or feel human.

To be human is to accept loss, accept that you aren’t superman, that you can’t control things. Literally the entire season is about the writers handing Brian challenge to grieve after challenge to grieve and him denying it until it smashes into the head of innocence (Justin).

Firstly, Brian is tasked with whether or not to pull the plug on Ted when he’s in a coma, a choice that he thankfully doesn’t have to make when Ted wakes up. Then, Brian’s father tells him he’s dying and Brian finally tells him he’s gay (with horrifying results). His father dies (symbolic again of one symbol of his nightmare childhood passing away), and Brian doesn’t cry, which everyone points out is odd. Brian also ruins his relationship with Michael, and refuses to grieve it, pretending it’s all fine. While they do reconcile, Justin and Michael do more work to bring them back together than Brian does (speaking of, the scene where everyone leaves in disgust, telling Brian off for his cruelty at Michael’s birthday party, but Justin tells Brian “someone’s gotta help you clean this mess” was clearly a double-meaning and a genuinely heartwarming moment). Then, Brian struggles with signing away his parental rights to Gus to help Melanie and Lindsay, and does so in a bold moment without much grief. Brian treats Justin terribly on and off, but doesn’t grieve it because he tells himself that’s just who he is.

However, Justin in season one, despite being a portrayal of innocence, also treats other people pretty poorly. (Brian is largely the exception.) His father is the worst, but Justin is also a brat with an immature understanding of love and people. He does his best to alienate his mother early on. He antagonizes people when he doesn’t have to in order to show off and prove he deserves to exist (like outside of Babylon when he tells everyone he gave Chris Hobbs a handjob, a moment where Brian warns him directly that he’s now “made a real enemy”). Justin’s brattiness is clearly coming from a place of pain and repression, so to be clear there is no moral equivalence there: he only humiliates Chris because Chris has been humiliating him throughout the series.

Justin also tries to convince Brian not to sign away his parental rights at first, which hurts Melanie and Lindsay, because Justin projects his own parental issues onto the situation without considering that Brian is not his father and the people involved are so different the two situations shouldn’t be compared. Plus, if anything, Justin puts too much responsibility on others, and is challenged to accept that he cannot control other people and how they feel or act towards him (Daphne falling for him, Brian, trying to win his father’s approval by considering business school despite his father’s hatred of him, etc.) This idea of putting too much responsibility on others is childish and normal for someone his age, and makes Justin and Brian very similar while also having contrasting ways of handling their relationships (clinging vs pushing away).

This all culminates in the finale where Chris tries to murder Justin right when he and Brian seem to finally be happy at Justin’s prom. It’s only then, when Brian sits bloodied in a hospital waiting room, that we see him finally give in, grieve, cry, in the same place he and Justin named his son in the first episode.

Justin’s lost a sense of innocence. Brian realizes that he is not the island he pretends to be, and that being human hurts.

Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting the Worst of Yourself (Season Two)

Michael to Brian: I think you're afraid to let anyone know you love them. That you have feelings. That you're human like the rest of us.

Throughout the second season, Brian hides the best parts of himself (literally not allowing anyone to know that he visits Justin every single night he’s in the hospital). Brian also self-sabotages himself by demanding Justin hide the best parts of himself (loving Brian) with their semi-open arrangement that fails epically, and Justin leaves him. But part of the reason is fails is also that Justin starts becoming more like Brian, even imitating Brian in word and action when he sleeps with a virgin, and... big surprise, neither of them like Justin becoming more like Brian. Justin doesn't want to be Brian, and Brian doesn't want to be Brian either.

Despite Brian’s narcissistic persona, the dude basically embodies the concept of “methinks thou doth protest too much.” See: him pissing on art of himself as a hero. After, Justin demands a real apology for that--directly telling Brian that his vague “sorry” isn’t good enough, and Brian gives i. A few episodes later, this scene then repeats after Justin starts his affair with Ethan with almost the exact same dialogue, but this time Justin is the one giving a vague apology, and Brian isn’t strong enough to ask for a specific apology.

Justin: I’m sorry.

Brian: For what?

Justin: You know what for.

The point is again that Justin is becoming more like Brian, and it’s not a good thing.

As long as Brian hides the best parts of himself, their relationship is doomed. It’s not a coincidence that after the first time Justin tops him, after Brian literally lets Justin inside, Brian immediately panics and starts causing problems. Brian doesn’t acknowledge Justin’s birthday besides literally hiring him a hustler to symbolize how he’s pushing Justin into another person’s arms (Ethan). To highlight this, we have Ben and Michael’s birthday celebration as a foil, where Ben is upset over his declining health and behaves terribly. However, Ben apologizes, and Michael tells him a major theme:

Ben: There’s no excuse for it. There’s no excuse at all.

Michael: Sure there is. You’re human.

The point is that Brian and Justin are human too, as much as Brian tries to deny his own humanity. Human beings make mistakes. And that becomes a major motif of the third season.

Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting the Best of Yourself (Season Three)

When we see Justin and Brian in the opening of season 3, Brian is still so defensive over Justin despite Justin publicly humiliating and leaving Brian that Brian punches his best friend, Michael, for suggesting that he shouldn’t have saved Justin’s life. This again ties into Brian’s self-hatred: he expects Justin to leave him, even feels he should. But Brian finds it easier to fight someone else on Justin’s behalf than to fight himself to keep Justin; numerous characters comment that Justin left because Brian didn’t fight for him, and they’re right.

Brian and Justin are still stuck on each other, and shown through their indulgence of illusions (fantasy vs reality is another motif throughout every season). Brian literally hires a hooker to dress up as Justin, and Justin focuses on Ethan who is whom Justin thinks he wants Brian to be, only to discover that Ethan is Justin at his worst: brought to life by art, yes, but a cheater, and a liar.

As viewers, we recognize issues all along: for example, during a sex scene, Ethan directly tells Justin “don’t be nervous;” this stands in sharp contrast with Brian, who had previously told Justin that he was clearly “terrified” when they first got together. Brian acknowledges Justin’s fears; Ethan pretends they don’t exist. Ethan wants an illusion; Brian wants the real thing.

We also see the “real you” aspect of Brian and Justin’s relationship foiled with Ben and Michael’s struggle over Ben’s HIV. Michael almost wishes he has HIV to relate to Ben more, and this plotline climaxes in Michael holding a needle to his arm, contemplating giving himself it to be more like Ben, and this line:

Ben: I don’t want you to be like me!

There are other relationships in the show, even nonromantic ones, that emphasize that Brian can’t accept the best of himself. Brian refuses to accept any thanks for saving Ted’s ass, because he’s still denying the best parts of himself. Both our good and bad traits make us human: Brian needs to accept the best of himself, and Justin needs to accept the worst.

Brian and Justin finally face each other while having sex with other people in Babylon’s backroom, but lock eyes and it’s clear who they wish they were with. They have to accept themselves at their best and at their worst to be able to accept each other at their best and worst.

Fortunately, that’s precisely what happens. When Justin decides to win Brian back by interning at his company, he gives him a sincere compliment that Brian can only smile at (ie, Justin confronting Brian with the best of Brian’s traits):

Justin: I've already learned more than I would in an entire semester of school... Which says a lot about you, actually.

Brian: About me?

Justin: Yeah. They say the tone of the workplace is established from the top. So it's a great compliment to you that you have such a dedicated and hardworking staff.

And Justin is then able to show Brian that yeah, he knows Brian’s worst traits. And even with his worst self, he still thinks Brian’s best traits make him worth it, and that Brian can actually become better, grow.

Justin: If you had any brains at all you would never have let me leave. You would've told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. That I would live to regret it. That what you gave me was worth a thousand--a million times more than anything he had to offer. You would have told me that you loved me, and that you would go on loving me even after I was gone.

Brian then confronts Justin on his worst traits:

Brian: That is so like you! You don't hear what you want, so you leave! Try standing up for yourself for a change!

Aaand then Justin is able to admit his best traits:

Justin: I decided you should take me back... even though I’ve made a few mistakes, I think you’d be making an even bigger one not to give me a second chance.

In other words, when they get back together, they’re able to see each other as fully human.

When they get back together, Justin and Brian are able to pretty much save the world by stopping Stockwell. Debbie outright states the season’s main theme after Brian gets fired for sabotaging Stockwell (such a smallscale Trump it’s almost eerie):

Debbie: it's your innate goodness.

Brian: *laughs*

Debbie: we all know good from evil and you’re no different.

Again, the “you’re no different” line emphasizes that Brian is human despite his denials thereof, and being human is not just about fucking and being selfish--it’s about love and community and a long arc towards justice. And then Brian finally becomes the hero Justin and Michael have always believed him to be and gives up literally everything he owns--everything except the people who love him, honestly--to stop Stockwell. Not only that, but no one except his closest friends will ever know he is the one who saved the town.

The idea of accepting the worst/best of yourself is also foiled in the finale when Ted reunites with Blake. Ted cared for Blake because Blake brought out the best in Ted--his generosity and kindness and belief in goodness of humanity--but was destroyed by the worst (Blake’s addiction). At the rehab where he once dropped Blake off, Ted finds himself a patient, and Blake as his counselor--showing Ted that there is a future, that the best in you is never dead no matter how far you’ve sunken. You can always find it again.

Justin and Brian: Being Human Means Accepting Help (Season 4)

Season 4 at its core is about learning to be weak and ask for help. Ted needs help finding a job. Ben needs help processing rejection of his manuscript. Brian needs help keeping his apartment. But none of them want to feel pitied, and so they flounder.

One of the ways people can need others is to need others to forgive them. Obviously we have Blake and Ted, Ted and... everyone after his addiction, Debbie forgiving herself for the way she treats Vic, and Brian and Justin forgiving each other and therefore forgiving themselves.

Obviously this was first set up in Season 3, when Brian forgave Justin for leaving him, but it’s further expanded on by repeating a lot of season two’s elements... in a way that doesn’t feel repetitive but instead shines a light on just how much growth the characters have undergone.

Justin’s brief foray into vigilantism is clearly paralleled with his foray into gogo dancing in season 2: both Brian warns him about, but Justin insists he can take care of himself only to get way in over his head. With gogo dancing, the boss sexually assaulted him; with the vigilantes, Justin ends up realizing that Cody is not that different than Chris Hobbs--he’s cruel, he’s hateful, he’s violent, and he only wants to use Justin for his own pride. But instead of how Justin allowed his guilt over needing Brian’s help for school to drive them apart after the gogo incident, this time Justin allows himself to get closer to Brian after realizing Brian was right. Justin also doesn’t forgive Chris Hobbs (nor really should he), but he does realize the pointlessness of revenge.

Brian then needs help but resorts to I can take care of myself when he’s diagnosed with testicular cancer. He lashes out at Justin and refuses to tell Justin what’s really going on. Brian’s lashing out becomes particularly cruel where he essentially tries to force Justin to leave him... only for Michael to show how much he’s grown by intervening and mediating. When Brian comes home sick to find Justin cooking soup for him, Brian falls to the floor and is literally struggling to get up from a fetal position (hello, obvious symbolism):

Brian: I’m all right!

Justin: You're not all right.

Brian: Then why are you asking me?

Justin: So I can tell you what a motherfucking piece of shit you are for not telling me! For shutting me out! For thinking that you could handle this on your own! And most of all for thinking that I would leave you! Why would you think that? 'Cause you had a ball removed? 'Cause you're no longer perfect? Well, believe me, Mr. Kinney, that is the least of your imperfections! And if I wanted to leave you, I've had plenty of better reasons.

Brian: Well, maybe you should have.

Even though it’s framed as an argument, it’s actually Brian finally opening up. The look on Justin’s face when he realizes that Brian has finally told him the truth that he’s not been able to admit the entire series--that Brian hates himself, that he thinks he doesn’t deserve any love--was stunning. He said some pretty cruel things to Justin, yet Justin forgave him. Sometimes, that’s the best help someone can give--even the only help.

Brian and Justin: Being Human Means You Can’t Control Others (Season Five)

Brian: My mother was a frigid bitch. My father was an abusive drunk. They had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling or unable to form a committed long-term relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs, and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help... much. As a result, I've lost the two people in my life that mean most to me.

Season 5 is all about everything changing and the resistance people have to change, but that doesn't mean the love that grounds it goes away. Melanie and Lindsay break up for a bit, Debbie leaves the diner only for a copycat to take over, Babylon changes when Brian buys it... and then when it explodes.

Season 5 really explores the limits of change and what can and cannot change. Brian in particular has always used being gay as an excuse for why he doesn’t feel human, when his issues are far more complex than that. His being gay won’t change and shouldn’t (despite what the homophobes scream out their cars in certain gutwrenching scenes), but his attitude towards himself and others and towards his own sexuality can and should and does.

Despite not feeling human and supposedly being very “live and let live,” Brian is actually something of a control freak, as becomes increasingly obvious in season 5. He lashes out at Michael for marrying Ben and setting up house, at Ted for pursuing a monogamous long-term relationship, at Justin for wanting commitment. Everyone moves on, but Brian is terrified of losing the only ways he feels alive... and he’s still stuck in a childish, egocentric mindset that he controls the world. (Justin has his own issues with control this season; namely around his mother’s new relationship, Michael and Ben struggle regarding Hunter leaving, etc).

Brian: Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks he was perfectly happy! But now, he's a defector, just like the rest of you!

Michael: He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say "I love you, you're the only one I want."

Brian: That's *not* who I am!

Not only that, but there’s certainly irony in Brian claiming he “accepts” (his term) Michael’s choice for domestic life, but he clearly does not. The concept of “home”, which has been a motif for Brian and Justin’s relationship since the very first episode where Justin points out he’s not able to go home and hence he stays with Brian, and how Brian negotiates their semi-open relationship in season two with the idea that he wants to “come home to” Justin, comes up again in this same scene where Brian confronts Michael and blames him for Justin moving out:

Michael regarding his house with Ben: It's a home!

Brian: It's a farce! It's a freak show!

Michael: ... (Justin) didn't leave because of (me). He left because of you. Who wouldn't?

Again, there’s irony here. The “farce” and “freak show” are comments Lindsay’s parents have lobbed at her marriage to Mel throughout the show. Yes, Brian, resident gay stud of Pittsburgh, has some serious internalized issues that brush up against homophobia and that just boil down to the same issues driving many of the show’s antagonists: control. Wanting to be God, not human.

Brian needs to accept the limits of being a human being. You cannot control others. When you love them--to truly love someone--you don’t even try. You give them free will. You love them. You support them. I’m sure you can see the parallels between the general portrayal of the Prop 14 supporters who are using religion throughout the season to try to control others and claim it’s love when it’s blasphemy to call that love.

As usual, Debbie is the voice of decency, not only by yelling at the religious protester “JESUS THINKS YOU STINK!” but also by saying to Brian:

Debbie: your problem is he left you. He left you, and he moved on. Only he didn't. You and he just made different choices, that's all. Doesn't mean that you don't still love each other.

Everything reaches a head when Babylon--symbolic of not just the gay community in QAF, but of Brian’s entire life--literally explodes. That scene is horrifying, disorienting, brilliantly shot and nauseating (like, I almost threw up, and it’s not gory at all--it’s just devastating, and the pure emotion hit me like a sack of bricks).

Justin and Brian choose not to control each other, which is actually a sign of love. About the finale, it has its own section below.

The High Cost of Living

Justin: time will inevitably leave its mark... we should accept our mortality with dignity.

One of the things about growing, and growing up, is that you inch closer to death. There is no growing up without wrestling with mortality.

Brian in particular is called out by the narrative constantly. By episode 4, Ted forces Brian to be his power of attorney, to make the final decision whether he should live or die, because Brian needs to make the same damn choice. It’s the central choice Brian will have to make in the series: does he want to live? Because if he wants to live, he has to grow. And the rest of the remaining five seasons constantly ask Brian to think about what that means, holding his feet to the fire and forcing him to grow.

The concept of aging is brought up in terms of this as well. From the start, Brian is terrified of turning 30 (oh boy, I feel ya there, Brian). He’s even suicidal at the thought, because he can’t fathom being older which has dual meaning for his character: firstly, that he’s stuck in adolescence emotionally, and secondly that he’s afraid to take charge of his own life. If he does, he’ll have to take responsibility for things. Being forced to take responsibility for not just Gus, but Justin, Lindsay, Michael, and other moments... it was good. Being young isn’t demonized either: in some ways, Brian being with Justin is a symbolic (literary please I’m not talking real life problematic elements) way of Justin meeting Brian at that age emotionally, and them growing together. Debbie even says that they are “pretty evenly matched” maturity-wise. It’s also a real-world psychological fact that people who experience trauma as children can become emotionally “stuck” at that age, unable to move past it.

All of this ties into the PTSD motif with both Brian and Justin suffering from the disorder post-Chris’s attack. PTSD can make you feel like you’re not really living, which the show displays. A psychiatrist tells Brian:

It's like a fairy tale, Rapunzul or Hansel and Gretl, but the cage is his mind, and it's up to you, the handsome prince, to release it.

This applies to more than just Justin’s repressed memories of the attack; it applies to their entire relationship over the course of the show. They have to escape their cages of trauma and terrible coping mechanisms in order to fully, truly live. Justin is as much the handsome prince to Brian’s trapped Rapunzel as Brian is a prince rescuing Justin--for the entire show.

In season 3, Justin even directly tells Brian that the latest comic based on Brian is about: "It's about thawing his cold heart, bringing him back to life. It's about their love. It's about commitment." Those elements give life.

Season 4 is where the motif of life and death really picks up again, when Vic dies and Brian is diagnosed with testicular cancer. Brian contemplates letting himself go out in a blaze of glory, young and handsome, but in the end goes through with the treatment (which involves removing a testicle) after spending time with Lindsay and his son Gus, with Michael, and with Justin telling him that he loves him again.

The finale of Season 4 has Brian breaking his collarbone and still insisting on finishing the bike ride. Brian is literally in front of a graveyard on the path when Michael shows up next to him and insists that if he’s going to do this, they’re going to do it together. They come to the finish line hours after everyone else has finished, and Brian, in agony, decides he’s close and enough and wants to stop.

But then he sees Justin waiting for him over the finish line, along with Debbie who loves him like a mother, and Ben (Michael’s newlywed husband) and Hunter. And he’s motivated to push forward and finish well, despite the pain because the people who love him want him to live.

The Scarf and Art as Life

That bloodstained scarf Brian buys himself for his thirtieth birthday becomes a beautiful symbol of not just Brian and Justin’s relationship, but Brian’s life, which is forever tied to Justin. Brian at first buys the expensive scarf to indulge himself (as he starts the series doing in spades), then uses the scarf to get off and simultaneously flirt with dying via autoerotic asphyxiation, and then finally uses the scarf to dance with Justin. But the scarf becomes soaked with Justin’s blood after Chris’s attack, and yet Brian continues to wear it.

He can’t take it off, because it’s their lives in a symbol. When Justin starts to remember what happened, he uncovers the scarf on Brian. When they make love for the first time after the attack, the camera focuses on the scarf lying beneath their feet.

Justin’s life is his art, which Brian directly says in the first season, and which Debbie emphasizes by telling Justin as he wrestles with whether or not to go to Dartmouth for business like his father wants or to pursue his art (his own life):

Debbie: you don't have the power to get [your parents] back together. But you do have the power to fuck up your own life. So make sure you think twice before you do it.

Chris’s attack almost steals Justin’s life and his art (literally, though the damage to his brain and hand) from him. When Justin struggles with his recovery and considers dropping out of art school and Brian buys him a computer so he can do digital art, he reacts angrily:

Justin: You can tell everyone you fixed Little Justin's problems? Well, you can't fix this. No one can.

In season 2, Brian pissing on Justin and Michael’s comic is really symbolic not just of the injustice he did to Michael and Justin’s lives, but also symbolic of how he feels about himself (as Debbie says, they literally based the hero on Brian, because “you’re their hero”).

At the end of the series, when Justin goes to New York to pursue his art fulltime, it’s symbolic of him being fully alive--and symbolic of Brian being so as well. Why? Because Brian’s life is tied to Justin’s, forever and always. If Justin lives freely and succeeds, then Brian will as well. Brian telling Justin to go was him choosing to live fully and freely for the first time.

Religion, Fathers, Mothers, and Sons

Justin: I've caused them enough pain.

Brian: It's bullshit. They cause their own pain just like everyone else.

There are so many parental relationships in the series, and they span from the horrific to the beautiful. Debbie is the mom I want to be, and good religious rep... in contrast to, say, Brian’s family, which is horrifying. I mean, Brian’s dad legit telling his son “it should be you who’s dying” when Brian tries to finally tell him he’s gay after his father’s terminal diagnosis was a moment I audibly gasped in horror.

Brian’s mother, however, while horrifically homophobic, cold, and emotionally and verbally abusive, was still very humanized in that it’s clear she has no one to love her and be kind to her. Brian’s kindness is to not take her faith from her. I also liked the priest character, because he was upfront that he never taught anything but God’s love, and God was whom he answered to. He also pointed out to Brian that he has someone he can always count on and have around: God. For Brian, that person is Justin (the religious motif is emphasized also by the fact that Justin tells Daphne “I met God” after meeting Brian the first time, and by the scene in the final season when Brian prays with Debbie for Michael to survive his injuries--although, as both say, they aren’t asking God so much as they’re “telling” (which btw is actually biblical lol). But the point is that Brian then goes and tells Justin the truth finally: that he loves him).

Debbie moms everyone in the group, and helps Jennifer learn to be a better mom to Justin as well. But Debbie can herself grow as well: she projects her fears and trauma over Vic’s illness onto Ben and Michael, and allows her own insecurities to ruin her relationship with her brother.

Justin’s father is terrible, but Jennifer is instead well-intentioned and flawed, fairly complex. She at first blames Brian for Justin’s injury, and Brian ironically chooses to believe her (that it’s his fault) over Justin (who directly says “it’s not your fault” multiple times while embracing him). Again, this is symbolic of Brian’s childishness (believing a parent over an equal), but what helps is how Jennifer grows and apologizes to Brian, asking him to help Justin instead. By showing Brian that growing doesn’t always mean turning into a miserable, angry bastard, Jennifer actually gives Brian a good example of how to stop being an asshole.

Parents can grow, because parents are human.

Injustice

Ben: Your children lead privileged lives, and you dare to laugh at my son's misfortune.

By the end of season one, the relationships we’ve been following all reach significant moments: Blake runs away from rehab and thereby from Ted, and he has to face that he cannot save Blake. Michael moves to Portland with David, taking a risk that ultimately doesn’t work out. And Brian finally makes a good choice, coming to Justin’s prom. The couple that made the best decision for each other in that episode? They’re the ones that end up in the worst tragedy, when Chris attacks Justin. It’s wrong, it’s infuriating, and it’s devastating.

It’s also unfair in another element: the narrative has been challenging Brian to grieve, but Justin being the one actually to almost die seems horrifically wrong--and that’s the point, and what makes it powerful. Justin did nothing wrong insofar as learning to grieve goes, but he pays the price. In this, the show calls out a double standard in society, shows us how unfair it is. The innocent, the childlike sunshine, pays the price for society’s bigotry, for adults inability to healthy process emotions, for all of it--burdens they should never take on.

The motif of injustice comes up again and again throughout the show: Lindsay’s parents paying for her sister’s three weddings yet calling Lindsay’s marriage to Melanie not “real.” Hunter being targeted at school for having HIV after being abused physically, mentally, and sexually his entire life, the pursuit of justice for the murder of Jason Kemp, Michael and Ben not being able to legally marry, the issues around adoption... we also never really find out who attacked Babylon. These plotlines are seldom resolved with feel-good bows (with the exception of Jason Kemp’s murder), because there’s still work to be done in the world.

Love: An Unconstrained Risk

One of the main symbolic messages of the show, especially when taken in the context in which it was made (early 2000s, before same-sex marriage was legal in any state in the USA), is that love can’t be easily defined or put into a box, but love is powerful and life-giving. The fact that most of the romantic relationships in the show were, obviously, queer, highlights this. The romances also weren’t limited by age--we have younger, older, and elderly people falling in love--or by health.

Whether or not legal marriage was allowed, the love and commitment Melanie and Lindsay have is real. Ditto for Ben and Michael. Despite the weird, even creepy on the outset age differences between Emmett and George (and to a lesser degree Justin and Brian), both of these relationships ended up being really beautiful. Love isn’t even defined by time or broken by death: it goes on and on. That’s one of the main messages of the ending--that time and space have little say in the love Brian and Justin have for each other. Love will not, cannot be constrained by forces manmade or intrinsic to the universe. (That said, I still would have liked to see them actually get married, because there was foreshadowing for it... but the ending is well-written.)

Love also comes with risks, which itself is a theme that ties in with the concept of being in the present moment (another theme). Marriage is a risk for Lindsay and Melanie, Ben and Michael, Brian and Justin, Debbie and Horvath--and not choosing to marry is a risk as well in the latter two cases. Moving to Oregon with David only for it not to work out for Michael was a risk, as was choosing to love Ben despite the fact that people were warning him about Ben’s HIV positivity. Vic moving out with Rodney was a risk. Tucker and Jennifer was a risk. Ted falling for Blake was a risk that seemed to not pay off, but then later did.

There is no love without risk, and the tides may not run smoothly, but it doesn’t make it any less real and eternal. This applies to an extent to self-love as well. Drew coming out, Melanie and Lindsay giving themselves permission to get married, Brian really only learning to love himself through loving and caring for Justin.

The idea of love as a risk is honestly most fully embodied in Michael’s character as well, particularly in the motif of fantasy vs reality. Michael’s major issue early on was his unrequited love for Brian, which made him leaving with David a good choice for his character... even if it was obvious the relationship was doomed. Why? Because David clearly loved the idea of Michael more than Michael himself, and Michael loved the idea of David and the white picket-fence life (which he genuinely wants and does get) more than the reality of who David was. With Ben as a husband and Hunter as their son, it was hard, riskier than staying in reveries.

The Finale

Which is again why the finale works from a literary perspective even if my taste is to like things neatly wrapped up. Instead of marrying, they commit to loving each other without full guarantees, because they both still have a little more growing up to do (honestly, QAF is a bildungsroman). Brian’s finally saying the words “I love you” was progress; the proposal was less so because it was made out of fear, out of I can’t risk losing you, rather than a full maturation. But you have to risk in love. I honestly think the implication is that Brian and Justin will end up together for real, probably married, since it’s still abundantly clear that what they want is each other, and they are forever each other’s life; we don’t necessarily need to have it spoonfed to us to see the narrative implication.

I mean, really. The narrative showed us at the start of season five that Brian made room for Justin to move in even while not expecting him to come back from LA (showing a part of him does know they’ll be together), called out the fact that Brian didn’t return the rings, they promised to visit, and how. many. times. did the series have Brian fantasize about going to New York for some fancy life, while Justin’s fantasies were always about ending up married with the love of his life? It’s pretty clear their goals do align--there’s just still more growing to do first. Yes, no future is guaranteed, but the hint at an off-screen happily-ever-after so blatant I’d barely call it a hint. We even have, back in season 4, Vic’s post-death pseudo-spiritual visit to Brian’s dream, where he tells Brian he was lucky to get four more years after his almost-death, but “you’ll have a lot more than that.”

Also again, season 4′s finale can be seen as symbolic of where it’ll end up. Michael and Brian move towards the finish line, Brian, because he’s crippled in pain and literally broken, is running hours later than everyone else. But with Michael pushing him towards the finish line--where Michael’s husband and son wait alongside Brian’s partner in Justin... well, it’s clear they’re still pushing towards that line by the end.

And finally, all the foreshadowing of an off-screen married happily-ever-after ending for Brian and Justin in season 5: Justin going to LA and coming back, despite Brian thinking he won’t. Hunter leaving, and then returning. (Let love go, and it’ll come back.) Someone remarks that it is “magical thinking” that Melanie and Lindsay would get back together, and Emmett responds “Well, you never know.” Lo and behold, they do get back together, despite reaching the lowest of the low in their relationship and doing things to each other that could honestly be seen as unforgivable. Blake and Ted reunite at last, because it had always been “right person, wrong time” for them, and it was finally time. I kind of don’t think the main relationship of the entire series is supposed to be the exception.

Being Yourself

Michael: ...being different is what makes us all the same. It's what makes us family.

Of course, another main theme throughout the show was that of being yourself. It’s pretty expected for a queer show, but QAF gives it a unique twist in how it emphasizes this (not just in season 3). But starting in season one, Brian tells Justin he’ll go on to meet lots of other guys, and Justin replies that he doesn’t want other guys: he wants Brian. The rest of the show is precisely about Justin discovering what that means. The end is Justin still wants Brian, but he doesn’t want Brian to deny himself completely--that’s actually Justin showing that he really loves and wants Brian as he is.

But, the show also emphasizes that no person is an island. People do need each other, and the things we do with our lives do affect others. See again: Brian choosing to go through with his cancer treatment for the sake of his loved ones, Hunter desperately needing Ben and Michael as his parents, and how when the community bands together, they’re really able to accomplish the unbelievable, even the miraculous (taking down Stockwell, rebuilding Babylon).

Stuff I Didn’t Love

The season 3 plotline with Brian’s nephew accusing him falsely was a retread and not a good idea: the idea that kids often lie about that is just not particularly helpful (because it’s not true), and the plotline/challenge for Brian’s character was done much better with the sexual harassment suit from Kip in season one.

The season 4-5 plotline of Lindsay cheating on Melanie and the ensuing custody battle was another retread of Melanie cheating in season one and while it did ultimately not ruin their characters (which it could have done; to their credit the writers made it work), it wasn’t exactly the best choice of writing either.

Emmett and Ted had no chemistry so I could never buy them as anything more than filling space, which I think was the point in the end, but for a few episodes it seemed to be taken too seriously as something to root for when it... wasn’t.

Overall Impression

I’m drawn to stories about existentialism, stories that explore nuance and empathy, stories with themes like what it means to be human, stories that aren’t sanitized for the sake of a moral message (biggest fear for any reboot right here). Maybe it’s again the fundie upbringing, but I constantly feel like I have to earn the right to exist and struggle with accepting both the best and worst aspects of myself, and media that explores questions more so than hammers a message appeals to me (because I actually feel like the messages of these media pieces comes across stronger). Queer as Folk is all of those things, plus some really tight writing and excellent symbolism for any literature nerd to salivate over (most shows never use symbolism anymore! Never!)

In some ways, certain aspects make it very much a product of its time, but in other ways, it’s timeless. It’s really an artistic masterpiece that reminded me of what I love about humanity and life itself, that makes absolutely no apologies for its stance on love as something powerful (another thing missing in modern media: the concept that love wins), that doesn’t give us simple answers for what it means to recover from trauma as individuals and as a society, that doesn’t write literally any single character off as a one-note person who can never change while at the same time acknowledging how hard, long, and winding changing is, and what can and cannot change in a human.

On a personal note, realizing, after I’d finished the show, its connection to a genuinely traumatic childhood moment that actually, years later, helped me escape me a cult adds another piece of sentimental value. And @our-mathematical-universe, you were right when you nagged me to watch this over the past few years.

10/10

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csmeanerr · 6 months

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For the love of god don’t post if anon fails but with regards to the creative red stuff I see where they’re coming from with pronouns. As a trans person myself I get verbal abuse daily from my immediate family who use it/its pronouns to degrade me because they think being transgender is “bullshit made up by people online” and just a phase I’m going through. I’ve had psychiatric appointments, medical counseling and therapy, and even had a psychiatric report diagnosing me with gender dysphoria among other mental illnesses to prove this is actually affecting my daily life.

When my psychiatrist talked to my parents about family counseling to help them understand my trans identity, my parents took me away from the psychiatrist for “enabling my delusions”. They throw out my opposite gendered clothing, they constantly raid my room looking for anything I’m hiding, and they make it a point to antagonize me by using the wrong pronouns because “if you’re not going to accept you’re born a girl and are a girl then you don’t deserve to be called anything.” Being referred to as it/its is incredibly dehumanizing and degrading and I don’t care if someone wants to be referred to that way, I don’t have it in me to strip a person of their status as a living being and demean them by addressing them like an inanimate object. It’s so uncomfortable and stressful and it feels awful.

I struggle heavily with nounself/emoji/neopronouns too because of my mental illnesses and learning disabilities since they break sentence structure and don’t flow properly or they have varying pronunciations/uses and it’s difficult to remember how things work. I wouldn’t interact with people either if I can’t address them in a way I can understand because if I mess up it’s going to be the end of my social life since me messing up is going to get me labeled as a bigot or a LGBTphobic jerk when I’m not. There is truth to them being rehashed “attack helicopter” memes too which ARE harmful to the trans community.

You might think your pronouns are easy to understand and not hurting anyone but that’s not true. They are. They’re not guaranteed to be easily understandable to every other person. You’re actually just complicating things more and giving other neurodivergent people an even harder time than they might already be having, which makes the situation and stress worse.

I’m sorry to add to this topic mod but this is a matter that personally affects me every day and it hurts a lot. I have a mental wellness clinic appointment in the new year to find a therapist and my family has already said they’ll call the cops and report my car as stolen if they believe I’m going to the appointment to discuss my trans identity issues or seeking aid with transitioning. The reason they think it’s all fake bullshit is because people claim being trans is a choice and they’ve seen the emoji/nounself/neopronouns and they don’t believe in it. My psychiatric report that I brought home was even shredded and thrown out because it used my preferred name and pronouns and thus was “filled with bullshit”. I know that I’m not the only one negatively affected by these things either.

post related

nope fuck off your issues does not allow you to invalidate other people and misgender them in turn. it/it may be dehumanizing to you but to someone else might be exactly what they want to be called, same as you want your own pronouns acknowledged.

the fact you go on an entire spiel of how much your family thinks you're full of bullshit and then turn around and say other's pronouns are "attack helicopter" memes is a bigoted take. in short it basically reads: my gender identity is valid but yours aren't

and you sure did type out that the only reason you hide these insanely awful takes is solely to keep your social standing and not that you actually give a fuck about changing your perspective because clearly you don't think other neurodivergents might experience themselves differently or deserve to be respected for those choices

every reason you brought up has been an issue for YOU that YOU are then making OTHERS put above their own validation for YOURSELF.

just fuck off. use people's fucking pronouns it's not that fucking hard to not be a complete shithead. the LGTBQA+ umbrella is larger than you think and you don't get to draw a line of what is or isn't under that umbrella. it's for all of us. stop being selfish.

#creativered #succubuns

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cmcsmen · 10 months

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Marriage Ethics

“I” is the most important word in cultures of western society. For us moderns, the “I”, one’s own ego, is the defining lens of reality. If I say it is, then it is. If it looks this way to me, then it must be. If I think it is right, well it’s right and no one can tell me otherwise. Copernicus got it wrong. The world does not revolve around the sun, it revolves around the “I”. The universe is not heliocentric, it’s egocentric.

“Want” is the second most important word in western cultures. In effect, it is the driving force of all action. Ask any person why they did what they did and eventually when you press back far enough it will come down to the fact that they “wanted to.” Why did you go to college? To get a job. Why did you get a job? To make money. Why did you make money? To buy the stuff I want. Why do you buy stuff? Because I want to! String the words together and you get the defining phrase of western culture: “I want.” Deep within us is a longing desire in search for fulfillment – but fulfillment to what end or for what purpose? The “I” is in search for stable ground on which to anchor our contingent existence. And so we grasp. Our quest is to simply obtain the desire of whatever our ego wants. Christian wisdom has always advised that this desired fulfillment be directed away from us, away from the ego. The gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) instructing Christian faith have something to say about our quest for personal fulfillment. It is to be found not in the “I” but in the “thou.”

Christian marriage, in particular, demands the sacrifice of this self-serving ego. Rather than a mutual agreement between two “I wants” marriage is a covenant between two “I do’s.” One reason it might be set forth for the lack of success of marriages in our day is that marriage, in the Christian sense, is antithetically opposed to the idolization of the “I” in our culture. But, it’s in the air we breathe and we hardly notice it until we are forced to our knees with some regret for the way we are behaving or moved by some piece of inspiration . It is the difference between lust and love. Lust desires the other for the sake of self. Love desires the other for the sake of the other. Lust wants. Love gives. It is the difference between “I want” and “I do.” The paradigm for this ethic is found in the life and death of Jesus Christ, the one we call Savior of our lives. Jesus gave himself for the likes of us and underwent the worse that human beings can mete out to another human being for reasons that he and his Father and the Spirit that fuses them both are in love with the human race. This Trinitarian God of Christian faith wants us where He is. This gospel narrative – this paradigm of self-sacrifice is supreme inspiration for all our friendships and especially our marriages and family life. Some can do this; others don’t have it within them to do this, unfortunately. So, how does one move from the mindset of “I want” to “I do? Jesus, in his life’s pattern, death and resurrection gave us reason for living away from the “I” where human fulfillment is premised precisely in subtracting from ourselves in order to add to someone or some thing else. How does one change the focus of reality away from the “I” to someone outside of himself or herself? Such changes are necessary if one is to succeed in a Christian marriage. What we are talking about is a change in the pattern or mode of thinking. It is a change in habit. It is the cultivation of those virtues which run contrary to selfish egoism. It is voluntarily taking up, from a Christian perspective, a critical stance against the culture. It is the cultivation of an authentic friendship with Jesus Christ in between us. Selfless virtues are the basis of authentic friendship. This is why the Greek philosopher, Aristotle, in his Nicomachean Ethics, trans... Indianapolis: Hackett, 1999, writes that “those who wish goods to their friends for the friend’s own sake are friends most of all.” Friendship is the willingness to will the good of the other for his or her sake. It looks at the other before considering the “I”. Friendships are not self-interested. They simply delight in the goodness of the other as being other. At the center of “Christian” marriage should exist a most intimate and authentic friendship. This friendship sharpens the relationship between the lovers, purifying their desires of all selfishness. For, says the Greek philosopher, “virtue is forged in friendship.” Authentic friendship teaches one how to be selfless. It cultivates an attitude of “I do”. In order to re-establish good and healthy marriages it is important that we come to learn how to have good and healthy friendships. We Christians have a lot of work to do to overturn the culture by the sheer witness of our Christian lifestyle. Christianity was meant to season life’s experience as salt and light (Matthew 5, 13-16). We need more images of self-sacrificing friendship if we would be turned opposite selfish lives and see more clearly the Christ of our faith. Again, the modeling comes from Jesus and the empirical experience of Christians at their earliest. The New Testament letter to the Ephesians (5, 25-33) exhorts, “men, love your wives as Christ loves his bride, the Church!” And how does Christ love his bride? Well, he sacrificed himself for her. He bled for her and squeezed out his life for her. There was no egoism or narcissism or me-first in any of that action on his part. — writers of this article are, Jegar Fickel and Bishop Joseph Perry Mundelein Seminary 2014

" Honoring our wives, which not surprisingly is also one of the best things we can do for our children, requires us to slow down, pay attention, listen, and be truly present."

-- Joel Schmidt

From 'Journey to Heaven - A Road Map for Catholic Men' by Randy Hain

#marriage ethics #bishop joseph n perry #chicago #catholicism #male catholic spirituality

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tadieshi-hotmada · 2 years

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TIPS ON WRITING TRANSMASC CHARACTERS:

note : there is NO WRONG WAY to dress, act, look, or be transmasc, these tips are ONLY from the perspective of my experience as a transmasc individual, and when writing transmascs, you should do research from multiple sources because trans will always look different on everyone!

CLOTHING:

LAYERS!! Sooo many fucking layers. Whether it’s summer or winter, by the time I’m done getting dressed, I’m wearing an over-sized t-shirt with a baggy hoodie over that, and a jacket over that in order to hide the curves of my hips and the smallness of my chest. This goes a LONG way in helping me pass. 100/10 technique, just uh… try not to stay outside too long when the sun’s out, you WILL sweat like a pig.

BINDERS:

Typically a trans person will have several binders to their names (collected over time because they cost a fucking arm and a leg if you want a comfortable one), but they will always have a favorite binder, much in the same way that people have a favorite pair of jeans they wear too much. The problem is they can get pretty rank especially during the summer, so if your character has been running around a lot or lingering in the heat, they might start smelling a bit funky to others and occasionally themselves. Time to reluctantly part with the favorite binder and throw on something a bit scratchier and less form-fitting!

VOICE:

Being transmasc and passing when you have to talk to people is probably the hardest part in my opinion. ftm individuals tend to have a higher lilt to their tone (especially in roles like customer service where you have to sound chipper, or cooing at babies and pets). More often than not this is my tell to others that I am not a biological male, and it leads to a lot of frustrating instances of being misgendered. Typically to avoid this, I try to talk in a very low voice as often as possible, but of course, you’re going to slip up when you get excited or comfortable around someone.

DEADNAME:

Do not come up with a dead name for a trans character, not even if you don’t plan on including it in the story. Coming up with and including a deadname doesn’t make you creative and attentive it makes you an asshole. If someone calls your trans character by the wrong name, simply refer to it as “Deadname”. If you include a deadname, not only is it transphobic, it’s also makes readers (and you) unconsciously start to misgender the character in their head.

STYLE:

Literally every transmasc character has a different style to by honest. I tend to wear a lot of black in my wardrobe for instance because black is a darker color that hides curves. Others however are less concerned with that— typically, I just try to write their wardrobe style as something that reflects the character’s personality. Being trans isn’t a checklist or a personality trait, so their clothes shouldn’t all be the same.

FLAWS:

Do not write your trans character as a perfect little bean who can do no wrong. Trans people are not ideals or concepts or something to put on a pedestal: we are people. Trans characters are characters. Characters make mistakes that drive plot. Don’t be afraid to make your trans character look bad by giving them flaws or having them make bad decisions, just be careful not to villainize them for reasons that involve their transness, and be careful not to make all your trans characters antagonists either.

FAMILY:

It gets complicated and it’s way more messy than tumblr would have you believe it is. If a character’s family is transphobic, a lot of the time it isn’t as easy as saying “whatever if they can’t love me as me then they don’t have to be in my life anymore”. Familial relationships are nuanced, and a lot of the time, children can love their parents despite all the awful things they’ve done or said to them through no fault of their own.

Because for all of the horrible things parents have said to us about our genders, some of them have also loved us through hard times and raised us on good memories and loving gestures. I’m not saying that you need your trans character to forgive their parents, but remember their struggles with acceptance won’t always be so cut and dry.

TRANSPHOBIA:

If you want to write your character experiencing transphobia it isn’t usually a blatant thing in society anymore (unless you run into a real stalwart trump nutbrain loser). Transphobia is often in subtext: whether it’s a parent offhandedly mentioning how much they miss having a daughter, or a friend saying “all men suck” but turning to your character, a trans male, and saying “i mean not you, for obvious reasons”, or a stranger offhandedly asking what your character’s deadname used to be before they changed it, so on so forth.

It’s mostly microaggressions that really add up, and it can be difficult to call people out on it for fear of being perceived as too uptight or too revolutionary, so a lot of trans individuals just bite their tongue and let the tension inside them build unfortunately.

MOST IMPORTANTLY!

If you are writing a trans character, transgenderism is not a personality trait. Make sure you stick true to the character’s actual structure and behavior, instead of making their gender the subject of every little plot point.

But even more than that remember: there is no wrong way to be transmasc. This is just from the perspective of ONE transmasc individual, so always do your research to get other perspectives out there. Thanks for reading and good luck with your trans characters!

#long post #writing tips #hope this helps!!

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cerebraldischarge · 1 year

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They say, you have to leave in order to return.

But I have been both at home this whole time and far away from home. My body is a lumbering RV rolling through this ambiguous vacation. I see every new landscape through a window, without being a part of the scene. I have accepted that as my role, for the most part. Maybe that’s why the destructive whispers of most humans barely reach my ears anymore, let alone my heart. Or maybe I just got used to the fact that, by virtue of not being human like them, I will always attract suspicion with my unusual nature. The vitriol itself abated, too - perhaps they figured out that I meant no harm, and classified me as a non-threat simply because I’m just an observer. And yet, I still hope that keeping this travel diary can sort of count as participation. After all, I may be the only one who notices a certain thing on the road.

There’s one observation that I keep spotting out there, attracting my attention like an odd-shaped cactus in the dry orange sea.

This is it: What the hell happened to the queer community?!

Willem Arondeus, before being executed for resistance activities by everyone’s favorite German villains, made the statement: “homosexuals are not cowards”.

Amelio Robles Ávila, a trans man born in 1889, would shoot anyone who taunted him by calling him a woman.

Aileen Wuornos made the world a slightly safer place for women by taking out seven male creepers, then went to her death with the knowledge that she did nothing wrong.

But are we still not cowards? Are we still ready to fight in a revolution? Are we still willing to protect ourselves?

I won’t get into the statistics here, because they can be just as easily used to prove one thing as its opposite, but there seems to be a theme within the bulk of the queer community (and the allies) which puts a strong emphasis on peacefulness, warm and fuzzy feels, community-orientedness, and projecting a generally “cute and harmless” public image. That on its own is not really a problem, but the balance seems to have been shifted. In the content the community leaders share, there seems to be a lot of talk about how we are supposed to be afraid, targeted by the baddies, experiencing dread and hopelessness, being essentially a helpless victim and expecting to be validated by legislation and flashy, organized gestures of acceptance. Is this really necessary?

I don’t mean we should “be fine with” discrimination and actual rights being taken away, but do you think the people who legitimately want you dead (whether they admit it in daylight or not) will suddenly change and start giving a damn if you show them how miserable they are making you the hundredth time? And do you really think any politician actually cares? I don’t know who said this, but it appears to be truer than ever: people who think politicians truly represent their interests are the same people who think the stripper at the bar really likes them.

As for my personal reason why this bugs me so much: while projecting the image of “we love everyone”, nonviolence, peace-light-and-harmony, these same community leaders shut down any sort of disagreement or criticism with the help of technology, money, and clout. It’s as if some people (I’m not naming names because 1. It’s not important, 2. I don’t remember half of the names of the people I had this experience with) have a poor ability to distinguish between bigots and real enemies on one hand, and potential allies with a different perspective on the other. Let’s not mince words here: I have been banned, deleted, harassed, and made out to be the bad guy multiple times by my fellow queers because I dare to advocate for self-defense - both on a personal and on an organizational level. I try to educate and infect the community with my love for the Second Amendment and the ideas that often come associated with it, such as personal responsibility and economic sensibility, as well as restricted government power and mostly unrestricted discussion of ideas. (Am I the only one who expected this stuff to be part of the default American attitude package in the first place, by the way?) Occasionally I get a positive response, but most often I get called out for “bigotry”, “ignorance”, and “disrespectful” behavior.

I get it, y’all. You probably only heard stuff like this (especially the Second Amendment part) from actual bigots who 1. hate you without even knowing why, and 2. have less than zero idea about what being a sexual or gender minority even means and think that gays have been invented in the 1980s. That’s who gets on TV, that’s who gets to be heard - because perturbed emotions equal higher ratings, and you can’t sell a media product without covering some kind of conflict. The more exaggerated, the better. People - all people - have a ghoulish side to them: they want to “spill the tea”, “own the libs”, see someone fly high and fall down. We are drawn to gawking at tragedy, even if we hate it - at least it’s not boring, after all!

(one of my favorite songs seems relevant here: TOOL - Vicarious)

So, it’s natural to associate the words in my mouth with the rotten people who try to weaponize them against us. (Mostly the “religious freedom for me, but not for thee” crowd, who often have the audacity to display patriotic imagery while spouting their nonsense. I forgot the name again, but years ago I’ve seen a white-haired man preach the wrath of his god on anyone who isn’t 100% cis and straight - and he did this with the Preamble as his graphic backdrop. I remember that part, because it made me livid. You would never say that stuff if you have read the damn thing!)

But stop and think. As the popular slogan goes, “we don’t want to make your kids queer, we want your queer kids to survive” - if that’s really the case, what are we actually doing towards that goal? Could we be more effective? Have the years of dragging out statistics proving our victimhood changed anything? Yes, some minds can be changed through discourse, as the growth of the secular/atheist community has demonstrated. But some minds will not be changed and will not respond to anything gentle. In fact, I myself have been embarrassed to be associated with people who, frankly, appear to be weak and vulnerable. Yes, some of us are genuinely vulnerable, gentle souls who could never hurt a fly - even if said fly actively works for the KKK or something. But that’s not all we are.

Perhaps I’m painting too bleak a picture here - after all, Erin Palette and Gina Roberts, with their wonderful organizations, are already doing the work I’m trying to urge y’all to start doing. But there is still, in many places, this self-destructive resistance towards the idea of putting on some big girl pants and protecting our own community, and it’s just sad to see.

The government is not there to feed and save you. Not even if you sacrifice everything to it and let it micromanage all your choices and lives. If you let it control you in exchange for bribes and comforting feelings, you risk it turning against you on a whim - all it takes is an election, or one corrupt person, or an unforeseen situation in your life that the algorithm cannot handle. (There was a British series in the 1970s called Space: 1999, in which the main computer brain, when faced with a particularly difficult problem, ethical dilemma, or outlandish occurrence, displayed the words “Human Decision Required” on its screen. I’m sure you can think of situations from your life where, inevitably, human decision was required. Or even a moment when the option applicable to you was not present on a standardized questionnaire you had to fill out. I mean… do I really need to explain this to you, of all people?)

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supertunanana · 3 years

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I’ve debated writing this for a while, because who wants to read my inane thoughts on the matter? What are my opinions really worth in the grand scheme of things? I’m not so self important to think this will be of any value. But, I’m an extroverted thinker, so this might help my brain finally shut up, and that’s worth something to me.

The hypocrisy surrounding Jikook.

Are they a couple? Maybe. I legitimately don’t know. I don’t default into thinking they’re straight. I don’t default into thinking they’re gay. Every member is a blob, sexually, until they define themselves one way or another. Because honestly, I don’t care. That’s between them and their potential paramours. There’s nothing wrong with either option, heck there’s nothing wrong with both or none. Live a life, man... good luck!

And I have no problems with shipping, to the extent it is done in a sane way and fans do not impose their ships onto the actual people. What I mean is, if you think Tae and JK look good together and you want to read stories or draw art of them as a couple and you want to explore their dynamic, you do you. However, it crosses a line when fans get mad when real people or real situations do not adhere to their fantasy. When they contradict footage and quotes and the feelings of those involved because it doesn’t fit into their little shipping box, that’s when it’s a problem. Be realistic. Have distinct lines between fantasy and reality, between what you might like and what is actually happening.

It is this reason, that I think shipping generally innocuous and indicative of the shipper more than the celebrity, that I also don’t think the celebrities in question need to be defended against shipping. Because if it is distinctly fantasy, then unless they express an opinion on the matter, most celebrities don’t really seem to know about it or care. It’s harmless. That defense, those hackles raised, again say more about the fans than the celebrities. When Xiao Zhan’s (XZ) fans got pissed off that some fanfic writer was portraying him as trans, XZ never weighed in on it. It wasn’t until those fans, in DEFENSE of their idol reported the writer and those of their ilk to the censors in China and got AO3 blocked on Chinese internet, that’s when XZ stepped in. And not to thank his fans for defending him, but to apologize to all the innocent Chinese fanfic writers who lost their work and their sanctuary because a handful of his fans had gotten the site banned. Again, the problem here was fans imposing their own beliefs on the celebrity, in this case thinking he would be upset by this and thus needed to be defended. They ended up causing more harm than good.

So the crux of this, what’s been kicking about in my brain, was the need for the fandom to “defend” JK from “shippers” the day after “hickey gate” and why these things only ever seem to focus on Jikook moments.

First off, “hickey gate” stemmed from footage that was a full, editorial choice to be shared on the part of Hybe and BTS. It was behind the scenes, closed set, pandemic lockdown footage edited together and released as official content, not some concert fancam or paparazzo on the street catching a private moment. They chose to leave in both Jimin and Jungkook on TWO occasions addressing the bruise/bite/hickey on JK’s neck, with the source being attributed to Jimin both times. Thus, people discussing this after the fact is a natural biproduct of it being shared. Is it even “shipping” when we are given the footage and the explanation? Is it not just a strange fact? This isn’t someone superimposing a fantasy onto them. This is the boys flat out saying Jimin bit JK and left a mark on his neck. I get debate over whether it was a bite or a hickey might lend itself more to “shipping”, with the latter being more shippy, but seriously, just looking at it would make anyone to question whether the BRUISE was more a hickey than a bite mark. What it says about the nature of their relationship is a whole other animal, but the fact is, it happened. And people are going to have THOUGHTS and FEELINGS about this. And that’s obviously something Hybe/BTS were ok with to share it in the first place (seriously, we would have never known, we DIDN’T even have a whiff of this until they put the whole thing on the DVD, so they were obviously OK with this leading to speculation, because how can a member saying they BIT another on the neck not?). All the content we are given of the boys snuggling, biting, ear sucking, tenderly addressing each other, etc.. is mostly a choice. And that choice will lead to questions and debates, and they’re obviously ok with it. It’s not wrong for people to be like, “huh” when they do questionable things and choose to give us said content about the questionable things.

But, there always seems to be this backlash when it’s Jikook. We have to “defend” JK, a fully grown man, who brought up the bite himself on camera from people talking about the bite as he himself said it was given to him. No backlash to people saying Jimin claimed doing it to cover up JK’s secret girlfriend (uhhh, when homosexuality is a no-go in SK, that seems a weird choice, but sure, ok.... like just cut it from the footage and slap some make up on like they do during the concert, since none of us noticed it then, and move on if you want to cover it up). But that’s allowed supposition despite having NO EVIDENCE to support it. And what we are TOLD actually happened is not ok and “shipping”?!?

Worse, when days later some innocuous “TAE AND JK WERE STANDING NEXT TO EACH OTHER OMG! THEY’RE IN LOVE” trends, where is the “save JK from shipping” rhetoric? That is CLEARLY shipping. I’m not saying Jikook shippers don’t do this, too, they do. And I laugh and shake my head at every little thing being dissected and offered as “proof”, but there always seems to be this backlash when it’s Jikook. ESPECIALLY when it’s undeniably... different. Neck biting. Ear sucking. “with JK at 4 a.m.” when they found out Dynamite got number one. Golden Closet Tokyo. These things are facts. Again, they’re... weird facts that do lead me to raise an eyebrow a lot, but they are facts and they were shared by the members as facts. I don’t think it’s necessarily shipping to think weird facts are weird and may lead to conclusions that don’t adhere to the THEY ARE ALL INHERENTLY STRAIGHT manifesto so many fans seem to have (and I think “straight until proven otherwise” is a shitty perspective anyone could have in any walk of life and again speaks to inherent or unconscious heteronormative perceptions in society - hurray -_-).

But even the dumb shippy stuff that ALL other combos have, is always an ISSUE when done by Jikook. Their bond or interactions are downplayed by major accounts. They’re an outlier. Some shippers even try to make it out like they hate each other (whaaa? HOW?!?!). Any odd interaction that really is just odd is deemed “shipping” and cast off into the no-no void, where it’s WRONG if you side-eye it. And I know WHY. I know it’s because they ARE different and they do do stuff people just don’t want to look too closely at because it makes them uncomfortable, so it’s easier to just deem it all “other” and “crazy supposition” and get rid of it. But it’s frustrating when it’s legit and it’s stuff they’re choosing to show and give us. It’s frustrating to be told you’re not allowed to go “huh, weird” because now you’re just a crazy shipper.

And again, I’m NOT saying Jimin and JK are in a relationship, because again, IDK, but I’m also not saying they're NOT either. I’m going to keep side eyeing the fuck out of some of the stuff they do and just enjoy that they are 100% each other’s person in the interim. And if that makes me a crazy shipper, then I guess that’s what I am.

#jikook #thoughts

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cotccotc · 3 years

Text

SKZ + a ftm s/o !!

◌ ftm (female-to-male) refers to a transgender person who was assigned female at birth, but identifies as male. these people are awesome, lovely, brave, & valid !! (yes that’s part of the official definition !!!! look it up <3)

part of my eight as fate event !! ( requested by @lixsmullet ♡ )

genre/s: fluff, skz x ftm reader

warning/s: mentions of dysphoria, mentions of periods, one very brief implication of transphobia (NOT IN REFERENCE TO THE MEMBERS DW), use of various pet names, swearing, my dumb formatting and commentary uwu

wc: ~1.5k

a/n: i hope i did this req justice !!! i made sure to do a lot of research on topics that might come up in this situation so i hope everything is accurate, but also inclusive for multiple types of people within the ftm umbrella. the descriptions might not be too deep but pls know they were written with a lot of care. OH ALSO i included potential pet names they might use !! i really really hope y’all enjoy this :) lmk what u think !!

◌ CHAN

chan’s known for putting other people’s needs before his own, and this is no exception.

he’d be super giving !!! would buy you “world’s best boyfriend” mugs and shit !!! it’s cringe but you love him so it’s fine !!!

more on top of your doctors appointments or meds than you are tbh

boy oh boy… if you take/decide to start taking testosterone……

LOOK OUT HERE COMES THE T POLICE KJDF

he just wants to do everything he can to help you !!!!! whether it means literally helping you stay on top of things and being your at-home (emotional) therapist, or giving you space.

i feel like he’s very good at detecting how a person feels based on their face or body language, so he’d always be on the lookout in case you might be feeling off or dysphoric.

and, as much as it might pain him, he’d give you as much time/space as you need. once again, he has your best interest in mind 24/7 !!! he just loves you so much, you know? 🥺

potential pet names (as long as you’re ok with them !! that goes for each member.): babyboy (we saw this one coming), foxy/sexy (mostly sarcastic but also… True), sunshine

◌ MINHO

a thing that i personally love to imagine: minho introducing you to people as his boyfriend

if anybody ever gives either of you a questioning look afterward (either intentionally or not) he wouldn’t waver at all !!! he’d just stand there and keep smiling. because you’re his boyfriend, duh

constantly reminds you how strong you are !! how super tough and cool you are !!! because it’s true !!!!!!!

i feel like i always make him sound like the ceo of Boyfriend Bootcamp in my reactions but i MEAN???

for example, if you’re ever feeling down (for whatever reason. whether it applies to you being trans or not) he’d be like “MAN UP !!! YOU’RE A WARRIOR !!!! ……. a cute one <3333 bUT A STRONG ONE !!!!!!”

in general, i definitely see him as the type of person who’ll just grab your hand or hold you a little closer in situations where he thinks you might feel uncomfortable, and even if he doesn’t directly acknowledge it, you know there’s a lot of love and care behind the gesture.

also… you’re sad? here, hold a cat.

potential pet names: stud (as a joke.. but it stuck), anything that starts with “my” (like my boy, my baby, my love, etc.)

◌ CHANGBIN

ok listen

i’m not calling changbin lazy

HOWEVER

he will most definitely try and make you do “manly” things for him when he doesn’t feel like it- SJDJJ

imagine his raspy, tough, yet adorably whiny voice being all:

“BAAAABE…. BABYYYYYY….. come lift this fOR MEEEEEEEE”

ESPECIALLYYYY if you’re taller than him oh my Lord

BUT HE’D DENY IT AT ALL COSTS !!!

changbin, pointing to an object on a tall shelf: “BABE can you get this for me? you’re so strong you can do it <3333”

you: “short ass-”

changbin: “hEY”

ALSO if you menstruate, i personally believe that he would be very comforting to have around during that time !!!!! just chillin on the couch !!!!!! vibin !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your very own personal heating pad <33 jksjfd

potential pet names: babe, bunny, hot stuff (sometimes used for moments of sarcasm !!! there are lots of those..)

◌ HYUNJIN

he’s very sweet and loving with you, which never changes despite anything you might be going through. like ,,,ever.

i can see him being especially sweet and helpful for someone who doesn’t want to or can’t surgically transition !!!!

would do everything he could to emphasize the fact that you’re his favorite boy !!!!

whether it’s through activities, pet names, playful jokes, etc., he always wants to remind you how manly and lovely you are !! lolll

i present to you a thought that just popped up in my head and Will Not Leave:

you might normally be the little spoon, but if you ever feel a bit off about your body or just don’t want to be held, THIS BOY WILL GET CURLED UP IN A LITTLE SPOON POSITION FOR YOU !! SO VERY FAST !!!

(is it also an excuse for him to be the little spoon? yeah maybe it is-)

potential pet names: hubby (regardless of whether or not you’re married sjdsdf), prince, things that start with “my”

◌ JISUNG

asks lots of questions !!!!!!! whenever he’s not sure how to proceed with something or has any general questions about being trans or how to support you, he’ll be completely transparent with you about it.

even though it makes him a lil embarrassed 🥺🥺

will overuse the terms “dude” and “bro” just to make you laugh… but you both know there’s a hidden underlayer of validation there

loves cheering you up when you’re not feeling your best !!!

also ,,,,,,Youtube Research Enthusiast

“hey y/n check this out! let’s try it :D” and it’s a two minute video about how to naturally lower your voice

and you go along with it because a.) he’s cute for suggesting it, b.) it could actually be useful, and c.) he’ll look cute stretching his neck for a few minutes and it would be a valuable use of your time to watch him do it <3 jsjdfh

oh also !!!! we know he’s just Like This anyways, but he will indeed take every chance he gets to kiss random parts of your body like your hands, shoulders, the tip of your nose, and anything else you’re comfy with :) he just likes 2 smooch, what can i say?

potential pet names: anything silly !! bubba, baby/babycakes, good lookin’, etc.

◌ FELIX

this is somewhat similar to what i’d suggested in my nonbinary coming out reaction, but i feel like he’d take a lot of care to make you feel more confident in yourself !!!

especially when it comes to your appearance !!!!! if you ever decide to try out a new hairstyle, different clothing, etc., he’d HYPE YOU UPPPPP omg

you: *exists*

felix: *silly smirk* “my handsome boy.. hehe” 🥺

bakes for u !!!!!!! will come over asap with freshly baked cookies if he even senses you might not be feeling your best !!!!!!!!!!!!!

we all know he’s a real cuddlebug, but since you’ve explained dysphoria to him (to the best of your ability), it’s very important to him that he doesn’t overstep with the physical affection

he might also suggest you use a code word or gesture to signify if it’s ok for him to get all close and cuddly with you !! he knows you have your off days, and the last thing he wants to do is emphasize your insecurities.

he loves you more than anything, and he just wants to see you smile :)

potential pet names: handsome, love, sweets (bc ya know,,, brownie boy things <3)

◌ SEUNGMIN

would regularly spend hours and hours doing research on trans rights, different forms of transitioning, other people’s perspectives (both in his position and yours), etc

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if he posted some questions on a website like reddit or quora or something from time to time SJDK (but eventually he’d be much more comfortable asking you directly, especially since he knows not every person is the same)

he really just wants to make sure he understands how you feel to the best of his ability in order to best care for you !!!

VERY VERY diligent if he has to adjust to new pronouns. would practice that shit like it’s his JOB.

i think he’d just be very scared of screwing something up, which you might have to console him about from time to time.

you know he’s trying his best to a.) not make this about himself and b.) do everything in his power to support you

sorta similarly to changbin, i think he’d be nice to have around if you’re ever on your period !! overall, this boy would do his RESEARCH

potential pet names: baby, mister (for some playful sarcasm), bear (or baby bear, honey bear, etc.)

◌ JEONGIN

if you’re ever feeling dysphoric, depressed, anxious, or generally not the best, he will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to cheer you up.

you: :(

jeongin: “ok fine you have permission to poke my cheeks all day”

you: :D

jeongin: :D

is also very similar to changbin !!!!! he’ll very dramatically give up on a task that requires even the slightest bit of manliness just so you can do it for him…. because he’s laz- i mean thoughtful <33

ok picture something with me besties (and this is quite random so bear with me):

he buys you cologne. cute !! very sweet of him yes <3 …...but the Backstory-

he had No idea what kind to get, so he went to the store and tried on like 10 different kinds until he realized he could just swatch them on a piece of paper so now he’s covered in cologne and he buys the one he thought was his favorite but he comes home to realize it was the WRONG ONE so he has to go back to the store and test them all again until he finds the one

..all just so he could surprise you & make you feel more masculine :’)

anyways LONG STORY SHORT: innie best boy :D

potential pet names: bun (in reference to bread, of course. you must match.), handsome, sexy (BUT ONLY IF YOU SAY IT RIGHT BACK !!!!!! sexy loaf boyfriends aw <3)

tags: @stayndays, @hanniiesuckle17, @leggomylino, @freckledberries, @kisskissbanggang, @mr-jisung-main, @childofthecosmos, @kpopscape, @skzwriternet, @hyunsins, @sleepylixie, @sunshine-skz, @vera-liscious, @thatrandomoneinthecorner, @cyberskz, @seungminsaidsta, @somethingrandomworld, @ethan806 ( join my tag list !! )

#districtninewriters #inkidz #skzwritersclub #fluffyskzclub #straykidsland #*fics #*8 #skz imagines #stray kids imagines #skz #stray kids #skz ot8 #stray kids ot8 #skz reactions #stray kids reactions #tw: gender dysphoria #tw: transphobia #tw: periods

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thechangeling · 3 years

Text

But you like her better: Part 2

Sorry it's been a minute! I hope you like it.

Cw: Some brief ableism, mentions of internalized biphobia, and self injurious stimming.

2013

It was raining when 16 year old María Machado Sotomayor first met Kit Herondale.

Marí had always loved the sound of the rain. It was peaceful and rhythmic, creating a nice tingly feeling in her skull running straight down her spine. It also good for the plants. Which meant that Marí arrived (on time for once) at her favorite class in a pretty good mood.

Marine biology was their one of their three special interests, the other two being lacrosse and Base guitar. So Bio was usually pretty fun for them. However this time was different.

Her mood was instantly dampened when she walked into class and saw someone new sitting in her usually seat. A blond, short and white kid who looked far too pretty for his own good. A new kid most likely.

A new kid who didn't realize that Marí always sat by the window every single day. It was their spot. Still Marí was determined not to overreact. They marched over to the new kid and approached him with their best masking smile.

Remember eye contact. She told herself. Keep your tone light and breezy but not too lifeless. Smile. Appear friendly and non threatening. Try not to sweat. Try not to scream.

"Hi excuse me," Marí began in a sickly sweet tone. "That's actually my seat! Sorry!"

The boy instantly looked embarrassed and apologetic. "Oh I'm sorry!" He blushed. "I didn't realize there was assigned seating." He had an American accent, California maybe?

Wonderful. A white American boy. Just what they needed.

Marí chewed their lip and fought the urge to rock or tap. "There isn't actually," they admitted. "I just usually sit there. So can you please move?"

Now the new kid looked a little offended. A cold look settled over his face. "Well why should I?" He bristled. "This seat isn't really yours. It's not like it has your name on it."

Marí rolled her eyes in frustration. "I tried that already but then I got in trouble."

He stared at them curiously for a moment. Marí took the opportunity to break eye contact finally and scuff their heel against the floor. They were wearing the new black suede chunky heels with the gem stones that Marí had gotten when they went thrifting with their friends.

"María!" The harsh voice of her teacher snapped her back into reality. Everyone had arrived and taken their seats while she was arguing with the American and now everyone was staring at her. "Could you please explain why you are not seated young lady?" She snapped in her extra pretentious sounding posh English accent.

The one that said, "I'm better than you."

Marí tried not to growl at being called a young lady. They weren't feeling particularly female today. Not that Marí was going to bother explaining that to some old British hag.

"He won't get out of my seat!" Marí protested. Instantly laughter broke out around the classroom. Cruel mocking laughter that made Marí feel like her skin was crawling.

"It's ok!" The new kid cried out, practically jumping out of Marí's seat. "I'll move! I'll go sit over here." He grabbed his bag and moved to the back of the room as quickly as possible.

Marí smiled in spite of themself. His random act of kindness was surprising, but they were grateful. They took their seat near the window and sighed in relief.

Marí would always look back on that day with fondness no matter what. It may not have seemed like much to him, but it meant the world to her. After Bio class she had asked Kit to come eat with her and her friends. They had made their introductions and the rest was history.

They became close friends very quickly, bonding over movies and music. They sent each other playlists of their favorite songs and songs that reminded them of each other. Marí made Kit a queer playlist with songs by queer artists and told Kit that they were bisexual and a demigirl. They hadn't even told their friends that last part yet at that point.

Marí also told Kit that they liked to use she/they pronouns, but so far was only using them online. Kit asked Marí a lot of questions then confessed to Marí that he was also bisexual but he was still kinda getting used to it.

"I grew up in a shitty situation," Kit had told them. "I guess I still have a lot of shame."

Marí didn't hold it against him. She bought him queer literature and resources for queer history including "Bisexuality and Queer Theory" and her printed copy of the article published in the 90s called "The Bisexual Manifesto." She gave him advice on websites and people to follow online.

They also just talked. Talked about life and their experiences. Their feelings and their relationships with their sexualities. Bonding with another queer person was always special but spending time with Kit always made Marí feel so...light.

Despite how close they were getting, Marí didn't always want to touch him. They were touch averse in most cases unless they were very comfortable with someone. Sometimes it just depended on the day. On the days where Marí found they could not hug Kit they had invented their own way to show affection.

They would place a hand over their hearts and tap it, as if to say "I care about you" or "I love you." Sometimes Kit would say "tap my heart" as a substitute for actually doing it.

He introduced her to his close friend Janessa, the wayward vampire who was incredibly hot and kind of made Marí all nervous and tounge twisty at first. But as they got to know her, Marí realized that she was also incredibly kind, passionate and clearly cared at great deal about Kit. Janessa was a gamer who had named herself after a video game character. She drank cups of warm blood in novelty mugs with giant swirly sparkly straws and was pretty good at making people laugh.

Janessa, or Nessie as Kit had affectionately nicknamed her, was flirtatious and charismatic, but also brutal and deadly in a fight. She was full of surprises. And maybe, just maybe Marì was a little bit into that.

However as much as Marí didn't want to admit it, they were also were starting to realize that they were way more into someone else. Someone with perfect golden curls that Marí wanted to curl their fingers into.

Eventually Kit came out to Marí as genderfluid and requested that she use alternating he/they pronouns for them. They both made the decision to collectively tell their friends their pronouns. Marí, Kit and Nessie sat around her gorgeous leather couch and talked for hours about gender, identity and transness. Kit pointed put that they may never be able to fully explain their gender to the other two, just like Kit might have a hard time fully understanding Janessa's relationship with gender, or Marí's because everyone was different.

"It's personal Nessie," he had said. "Everyone has their own unique perspective on gender and every trans person has their own complicated feelings about gender and what their own gender identity means to them, and those feelings might not completely match up with another trans person's. But that's ok. You don't have to understand the other person but you do have to respect them."

Janessa's understanding of gender came from being a trans women. It was about a strict binary with clear lines and rules. Rules that Kit was starting to make a habit of fingerpainting all over and Marí could tell that it was stressing her out.

And Marí had no idea where the hell they fit in these rules. They had stopped playing the game.

But those two loved each other more than anything, and Marí knew they could work anything out. And sure enough approximately seven hours and four margaritas later (only two for Marí,) they had come to an understanding.

2014

She kissed Kit for the first time a month into the new year.

They had been trying on clothes in Marí's room and Kit was wearing one of their old dresses that Marí thought they looked amazing in, but Kit wanted to give it away. It was dark navy blue and sparkly with spaghetti straps, coming to about mid thigh. There were cut outs on the sides, filled in with black sheer fabric, and it had a low v cut at the neckline which was also filled in with black sheer.

Kit had been infodumping about one of the Marvel movies again, Marí couldn't remember which one, and she had kept getting distracted by his tan smooth skin peaking through the sheer fabric and fullness of Kit's moving lips. He smiled excitedly and Marí had stepped forward and kissed him.

Their first thought was that Kit tasted like chocolate. Their second was that they should have done this months ago.

Kit had melted into the kiss, smiling slightly against her mouth and pulling her closer. They kissed her feverishly, sliding their tounge inside Marí's mouth and moaning when she deepened the kiss eagerly. They moved against each other with almost lazy, comfortable precision, kissing each other for what could have been hours or days or maybe only seconds.

Marí couldn't have said.

When Kit finally broke the kiss and pulled away from Marí, his eyes were practically gleaming with joy and love. And that was when they knew.

I love him.

2015

I love him.

Ty's words ran in her ears. Repeating over and over again, maddenly bouncing around inside of her skull until she was forced to utter out loud,

"I love him".

They whispered it under their breath but Marí could tell that both Alyssa and Ty had heard them. It was so quiet you could probably hear a pin drop.

But of course. Of course he does. It was obvious. This whole time Marí had noticed there was something wrong with Ty. Just like there was something wrong with Kit. The way they stared after each other when they thought the other one wasn't looking. The loving and worshipful glances mixed with the bitter glares.

Marí had already known that Kit was in love with Ty of course. But the way they had told the story made it seem like they were positive that Ty couldn't be in love with them.

But then again maybe that made sense. Given Kit's history and who he was. But then Marí couldn't help but think of Ty and how confused he must have been. God it was a giant mess.

Speaking of...

The room was still silent. Marí found that she couldn't read Ty's expression as he stared back at her flatly. But his body was shaking, his fingers fluttered at his sides. She wanted to soothe him.

They stepped forward carefully. "I'm not mad at you," Marí assured him. "I was hoping we could talk?"

Ty's left eye twitched. "We are talking," he pointed out. Alyssa snorted.

"Ty, they mean about the proverbial bomb you just dropped a few seconds ago," Alyssa said with a laugh. Marí smirked to themself slightly.

It wasn't really a bomb. More like a flare.

She really needed to talk to Ty. The only problem was Alyssa had an annoying tendency to never leave his side. It wasn't like she had a problem with the girl. Of course not. But her presence meant that Marí hadn't had the opportunity to talk to Ty one on one.

They cleared their throat. "Alyssa could you please give Ty and I some space to talk?" They asked. Marí hoped they didn't sound too rude. Alyssa looked to Ty and he nodded slightly, signaling that he was ok with her leaving.

That was so strange to Marí. Their relationship. The way Alyssa, a werewolf who hated shadowhunters even more then Marí did, essentially took orders from him and clearly trusted him more than anyone else. But perhaps she wasn't one to judge.

After all, she loved Kit.

Alyssa left the room with a pat on Ty's back and a quick, "call if you need me." Marí shifted their weight back and forth as they rocked slightly from side to side as they waited for Ty to speak.

He stared back at her silently, most likely doing the same. Marí blew out a loud breath and forced herself to stay still, crossing her arms.

"Are you going to say something or should I?" Ty asked expectantly. Marí bit their lip and shrugged.

"I'm still thinking of what I wanna say," she admitted.

Ty smiled at her softly. "So am I."

There we go. Cracks in the armour.

"I'm sorry," Ty whispered suddenly. "I never meant to-"

"You don't have to apologize!" Marí blurted out. Whoops they had interrupted him. "Oh shit sorry you were still talking!" They reached for their hair nervously and realized that they were wearing that Morticia wig for their costume.

Great. Marí moved on to chewing on her knuckles.

"It's ok," Ty reassured her. "I don't really know where I was going with that sentence. And you shouldn't do that." He pointed to her hand.

Marí scoffed, "yeah well you shouldn't dig your nails into your palms." He glared at them and they laughed.

"Not so fun playing a game of Mirror Image is it?" They teased. Ty didn't respond, just stared at Marí solemnly.

"You know I really admire you," he said, aiming his gaze close enough to hers to create the illusion of eye contact. "I always have. I never wanted to hurt or upset you."

Marí wished for a brief moment that they could touch him and then shrugged the impulse off. "I know love," they cooed. "Me too."

Without really understanding why, she pressed her hand to her chest directly above her heart and tapped, just like how she did with Kit. Ty studied Marí for a moment and then followed suite.

Marí in spite of themself, actually felt bad for him. They could clearly see the toll the last three years had taken on him, specifically the last few weeks. Maybe his family couldn't see it, and they definitely knew that Kit couldn't, but Marí could.

Marí of all people could see past the mask because they knew what masking looked like. It wasn't just about appearing normal, whatever that word meant. It was about hiding your feelings. Taking that heart you wore on your sleeve and locking it up tight. But everytime Marí looked at Ty, they could see it. And it was bleeding.

Ripped and bloody and broken, just like her own and yet they both still had the sheer audacity to keep breathing. Marí was proud of them both.

"You need to talk to him," Marí prompted. "You both need to be honest with each other."

Ty furrowed his brow. "Honest? About what? He doesn't feel the same way." He had gone back to flicking his fingers as he stared at her, looking puzzled.

Bloody hell between the two of them, Kit and Ty were giving Marí the mother of all headaches.

They took a deep breath. "Yes they do Ty," Marí tried not to sound exasperated. "Kit is in love with you, believe me. They told me."

It hurt Marí's heart to have to say it, but it was true and Ty deserved to know the truth. And they knew deep down that Kit wouldn't really be happy, he wouldn't be Kit until he had Ty. And Marí had to make their peace with that.

Ty looked understandably confused. He ran a frantic hand through his hair. "But why are you telling me this? Why are you helping me?" He asked. "Don't you love them?"

She fought the urge to cry as tears gathered in her eyes. She found herself digging her nails into her palms despite chastising Ty for doing it a few minutes ago.

"I'm telling you all of this because I love them" she cried desperately. "Because Kit cries out your name in his sleep Ty! Because everytime he sees you, he stares at you like you are the moon the sun and the stars! Because everytime you speak they hang onto absolutely every word, and when you laugh-" Marí cut herself off.

They squeezed their eyes shut and took deep long breaths. Ty said nothing. Marí opened their eyes to see Ty staring at them in dismay. He looked like he was trying to think of what to say to help.

Marí shook their head. "I know Kit loves me. And they probably always will. We were close friends even before we started dating." Marí groaned and shook out their entire body this time, jumping up and down a few times as well to get rid of the tension. If Ty thought this was weird he didn't comment on it.

Marí wiped her eyes carefully trying not to smudge her mascara. "But you Ty?" His eyes refocused on her again at the sound of his name. Marí chuckled humourlessly. "Fucking hell, he is in love with you. And right now he is thinking that you hate him and I know it's tearing him up inside."

Ty stared at Marí hopelessly, looking overwhelmed and exhausted. "So what do I do then? What am I supposed to say?"

Marí shrugged. "I can't help you with that I'm sorry. It has to come from you." Ty looked even more panicked.

They gave him what they hoped was an encouraging smile. "Don't be scared Ty," they murmered. "It's Kit remember. They're not scary. You have nothing to worry about."

Ty didn't answer her. He had wrapped his arms around his body, squeezing tightly. "Marí do you remember those dead moon jellyfish we buried on the beach?" He asked.

She was a little confused as to why he was bringing this up now. "Yeah? Why?"

"That's what I feel like right now," Ty admitted. "Like I've washed up on the beach and now I'm just waiting for someone to come along and step on me."

Marí's heart sank. "Oh Ty," they breathed. "I promise that won't happen with Kit. I can't make any promises for anyone else, but I do know that Kit has absolutely no intention of hurting you again love."

Ty looked pensive. Marí could only hope that Ty would make the decision to trust them.

With a sudden jolt Marí remembered the party.

"Hey we still have the Halloween party to go to," she said, shaking Ty out of his stupor. "Do you still wanna go?"

To their surprise, Ty nodded. "Sure. I think Alyssa might kill me if I back out now."

Marí snorted. Alyssa Reyes could be pretty terrifying at times.

With surprise Marí found that their spirts were lighter having cleared the air with Ty and with the prospect of a party being renewed.

She smiled. "All right then let's head out!" Marí smoothed down the long black wig over her shoulders and quickly smoothed out the long skirt of her black slinky dress before turning and exiting the training room.

She knew that she would have to talk to Kit at some point and that conversation would be brutal. But at least they could have one last night together.

It's better this way. Marí told themself as they walked back towards the main living room where everyone was gathered. At least now Kit can be happy.

It's for the best.

It has to be.

So I'm actually planning on writing a part 3 from Kit's pov because the drama isn't over yet! 😏

Tag list: lmk if you wanna be added/removed.

@playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @clarys-heosphoros @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan @hardlymatters @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @tired-vin @phoenix-and-dragon @the-blackdale @adoravel-fenomeno @the-wckd-powers

#tsc #twp #kit x ty #marí the werewolf #the wicked powers #maría machado sotomayor #we stan autistic bonding #we stan queer bonding

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scarsmood · 3 years

Text

Therapy and Otherkinity

Hello all I usually don’t make any life updates or blog posts or what have you besides poems but I thought this was an interesting topic and tragic for me to learn. I thought id pass on the wisdom. So I have DID this is an aspect of my life I don’t talk about here at all and this blog is only dedicated to one alter. however our entire system is otherkin and it’s much weirder when we have a human alter. we’ve been going to therapy for DID for about 4 years now and just got out of an intensive outpaitent program geared towards DID as a betta tester to help research on therapy for people with DID. the outpatient program was essentially 4 therapy sessions in one day every day mon-fri for two weeks. it was about 40 hours of therapy condensed into 2 weeks. it was all about trauma work and everything that comes with DID. it was great! it was exhausting and one of the hardest things i’ve ever done but you definitely jump hurdles faster than you do in individual. it was a fucking roller coaster from start to finish. well something interesting I had to learn in that time of intense growing was as otherkin regular therapy doesn’t fully work for me because therapists assume my perspective from a human stand point. an example that happened was we had an amazing therapist who I explained to what otherkin was, how it effected me, and how it is me. she was the first therapist I had ever met who used that information to see me at an inhuman level. I would casually mention things like when i got my wisdom teeth removed I had to work the trauma out of my body for 3 days after because it was traumatic to me even though i was unconscious the entire time. she suggested that it may have been traumatic because I am a giant animal that relies on its teeth to hunt. so it would be traumatic because it’s something so vital to me. In the wild my teeth are going to be how I survive. To take those away takes away being able to survive. and I cried. cause it all finally clicked for me. this brought me to a new perspective I had never previously considered before. my entire time being in therapy I tell therapists im otherkin and it basically means I get analogies about wolves instead of people “you need to bond with your pack” instead of “you need to bond with your family”. it had never been anything deeper than that. it had never been a perspective to consider how it effects me forming traumas or how i need to love that aspect of myself. I am always told to care for a human child in EMDR. i am never told to care for a puppy. even though i was one. because i have always seen myself as an animal. Don’t even get me started on how I would be celebrated to making changes from Female to Male because im trans but ignored when i made any identity changes that revolved around me being otherkin. My dysphoria for my gender is not to strong but enough to bug me and make me miserable. my dysphoria for my species regularly sends me into suicidal ideation and is so fucking rough for me waking up knowing im in the wrong body. my collar is just as important as my testosterone. Hell, i’d even argue i like taking T because it gives me stronger animal aspects over just it makes me male. it gives me gender and species euphoria. a deeper voice, more hair, thicker sharper nails, darker thicker hair, harder thicker skin, all things i appreciate but the Otherkin aspects i love much more than simply presenting as male. My therapist would celebrate taking T for becoming a man not becoming an animal. It doesn’t sit right with me. Everytime I would talk about getting ears or wearing stilts it wasn’t taken seriously because it was seen more as some kind of “hobby”. So because of this prejudice I have now seriously repressed huge parts of myself for years because I was taught to. I also notice an interesting pattern in my therapy where we would usually steer away from inhuman experiences effecting trauma or because im inhuman it could not cause trauma. my first therapist told me i was simply sensitive about the wisdom teeth trauma. yet she knew i identify as an animal. she never considered how it effected me. unfortunately otherkinity is more understudied than DID. To get anyone to take me seriously about this feels hopeless. I felt my first therapist was progressive and accepting for just using analogies. Until I realized I have been neglecting a huge part of myself from healing because it simply wasnt recognized as anything more than a “skin” or “dlc” aspect of myself. Something surface level not something deep. another thing I noticed was most of my animalistic behaviors were slowly repressed more and more. the longer i was in therapy the more i would not pay attention to them and ignore them since my therapist ignored them. I would have suicidal bouts where i wanted to die but didn’t understand why. because i was shoving back 50% of myself all the time. my therapist would tell me she took otherkinity seriously but this is what happens when someone doesn’t fully understand. it makes you minimize it. it’s seriously upsetting and deeply concerning to me because I am already at a disadvantage for having DID to find a good therapist. now i have to find one that understands otherkinity to a level where i don't feel like i’m being neglected. If you go to therapy and notice the same push back I would urge you to be firm with your otherkinity. be an advocate for yourself. I know I will have to be one now. i’d like to open the floor to discussion. have you ever experienced this? i’d like to know.

#otherkin #otherkin community #Otherkinity #original species #species dysphoria #therian #therianthropy #alterhuman #discourse

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bluefuckboy · 2 years

Text

Bad Blood

Vampire dabihawks (ft. trans Hawks)

A/N: this was meant to be a drabble. Oops. Originally inspired by @birf’s vampire dabihawks. Header belongs to birf as well give them all your love. Check out the Post Script for additional info on the story background.

CW: blood, trans character (ftm), gender and body dysphoria, slight non con elements initially but consent later, oral sex, gore, mostly blood and possible triggers for trans readers.

Additional Note: Written from perspective of trans character, so if terms need clarified just ask. Message me if you want to know specific things if you might be triggered by them. I am more than happy to make sure the read is enjoyable and not triggering.

WC: 2400

Hawks doesn’t know how it happened. He’s not even alive anymore so how would he even be able to perform a bodily function that is solely for the living. That and he’s not had one for years, decades now since being turned. It’s as much of a shock as it is a mystery to him when he sees the little droplets of red on his boxers.

At first he thinks he must have just gotten sloppy during a feeding, but it soon becomes clear that the blood is coming from him. He tries to come up with some sort of explanation for it as he sits there staring at the bit of red tinged almost mucus like substance spread between his fingers. It’s so hard to believe that it doesn’t even fully hit him until he’s trying to find a pad or a tampon in the cabinets of the dark house.

He slumps down against the wall of the master bathroom. The contents of the cabinets are strewn about, a futile search which he assumed would be the case. He just didn’t want to think about it fully as he rooted through the contents of the cabinet. But now he’s hyper aware of the sensations he’s not had in years. That sickening feeling of something wet being forced out of his body, the dull pain in his abdomen, the oncoming headache. He puts his head in his hands, not noticing the presence of another person in the room until the familiar sound of Dabi’s voice breaks the silence.

“Find what you were looking for?”

Hawks brings his face up. Dabi is leaning against the doorframe, dressed in loungewear which Hawks will never be able to fully get over. The centuries old vampire wearing sweats and a shirt that says ‘bite me’ with a cartoon mouth with fangs. Dabi’s long fingers tap against his arm as he looks down at Hawks.

“Uh,” Hawks realizes he’d been crying and quickly wipes away the tears, “No. I’m good. I… uh…”

He knows he must be bright red, embarrassed by this whole situation. It doesn’t help that his emotions feel like they’re all trying to get out at once. Stupid fucking hormones or whatever the fuck this is. He wants to disappear. Just fade into one of the dark corners of the house, never to be seen again.

“Keigo,” Dabi’s gravely voice is closer now and Hawks opens his eyes to see the other vampire’s face inches from his.

Hawks looks away. “S-sorry. I’ll get out of your room. I uh-”

He’s silenced by a cold finger to his lips while Dabi blinks slowly at him. He keeps the finger at his lips as his eyes drift down over Hawks body. When they land at Hawks’ hips the pupils dilate slightly and Hawks bites back more tears. Of course Dabi knows. How could he not? It’s fuckin blood and Dabi was the one turned him.

Dabi knows the sound of Hawks breath, the beat of his heart, the pounding of blood in his veins. He savored it all as he drained the life out of Hawks so many years ago. When he decided to turn Hawks, everything of Hawks became privy to him, even the parts of himself Hawks hated. So it was no surprise that Dabi knew.

Hawks swallows. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how...”

He doesn’t know why he feels the need to apologize, but it feels like he’s done something wrong. More fat tears spill down his cheeks as he looks at the floor, unable to make eye contact with the ethereal blue of Dabi’s eyes. He jumps as Dabi’s arms suddenly wind around him. Dabi lifts him with ease and Hawks tries not to be too awkward in his arms as the elder vampire carries him to the large bed in the middle of the room. He deposits Hawks there on the satin sheets and Hawks feels instantly out of place.

He curls into himself, holding his ankles as he still refuses to meet Dabi’s eyes. He’s been in Dabi’s chambers before, but never privileged enough to be sat upon the luxurious bed he knows has held countless lovers, flings, feedings. Whatever Dabi decides to do in his spare time has never been any of Hawks’ businesses. Until now that is.

Dabi is hovering above the bed, looking down at Hawks in a way he hasn’t since the day he sunk those fangs into his neck. The expression makes the back of Hawks’ neck hot and he finds himself automatically bringing a hand up to shield the area. There’s nothing to protect, however. He can feel the gouges from Dabi’s fangs still there in his skin.

Dabi sits down on the bed and Hawks feels one of his hands come to rest on his knee. “Are you going to hide? Or let me take care of you?”

Hawks blinks, finally looking at Dabi, feeling his stomach drop at the expression on his face. Dabi’s pupils are wide and he looks hungry.

Hawks backs away. “I.. It’s okay. I’ll figure it out. I don’t wanna bother you.”

Dabi tsks his tongue and Hawks is suddenly on his back with Dabi between his legs, looking at him through those hypnotizing eyes. “It’s not a bother.”

Dabi’s low growl has shivers going down Hawks’ spine and he lets Dabi’s long fingers strip him of his pants and boxers. When he feels the rush of air against his cunt Hawks puts a hand down, trying to cover himself, but it’s stopped by Dabi.

“I said I’d take care of you.”

Dabi’s tone is a tad dangerous. A warning. Hawks reluctantly pulls his hand away, covering his face instead as he gives Dabi a full view of himself. There’s a bit of red tinged slick stuck to the outside of his inner lips. His fat, compact cock peeks out from under messy blonde pubes. It’s pronounced than usual, and more sensitive he finds as he suddenly feels something hot and wet lave over it.

“D-dahhh ahhh! Fuck.”

Dabi’s tongue has Hawks’ twitching from just merely running it under his cock. Hawks bites his lip, cheeks red as he lets Dabi explore more of him. Dabi’s tongue traces through Hawks’ folds and briefly dips into him. The sensation puts a sour feeling in the pit of Hawks’ stomach and Dabi must notice the change in Hawks’ body language as he pulls back ever so slightly.

Dabi adjusts, moving his mouth back to Hawks’ dick. He nudges his tongue at the top, then lightly over the head before sucking. Hawks goes rigid. It feels like electricity is shooting down his spine. He’s had people give him oral before, but never in the way he wanted. This, having Dabi’s soft lips wrapped around his cock, this has him panting and shaking, nearly cumming.

He puts a shaky hand out, testing whether or not he’s allowed to touch Dabi. His fingers slide through the soft white tresses and Dabi makes a small noise that Hawks’ takes to be permission. He’s always wondered whether Dabi’s hair was as soft as it looked. It feels almost as soft as the sheets beneath them, steadily becoming wet as Dabi sucks off Hawks expertly.

Hawks fists his hand in Dabi’s hair as he feels Dabi’s teeth bump against the head of his cock. His legs shake and he tries to warn Dabi, but cums before he can say anything. He pulls on Dabi’s hair as he does, holding on as he rides out an orgasm that has his body betraying him as he feels slick starting to drip down between his asscheeks.

“Sh-shit. I’m s-sorr.. Fuck!”

He arches off the bed as Dabi starts to suck up the slick dripping out of Hawks. He doesn’t move his tongue anywhere aside from the occasional flick against Hawks’ cock. The sensations of Dabi’s lips against him don’t have Hawks spiraling into a dysphoric episode. It’s rather the opposite as Dabi tests his fangs against the inside of Hawks’ thigh.

Every press of Dabi’s lips against his skin has more arousal building up in the pit of Hawks’ stomach. He doesn’t even care that he can feel slick and assumed menstrual blood seeping out of him because Dabi’s mouth is heavenly. Even the sharp sting from his fangs as they sink into the meaty flesh of Hawk’s thigh has ripples of pleasure shooting through him.

“Dabi.. Ahhh hah..”

Hawks can’t help but squirm a bit as Dabi’s teeth pull out of him. Dabi puts a hand on his stomach, pressing down to still him and Hawks whimpers when Dabi’s tongue laves over the twin punctures.

Dabi’s voice rumbles from between his legs, “Can I pleasure you here?”

Hawks feels Dabi’s tongue dip into him and his body tenses. He can’t deny that it does feel good, but that anxious feeling curls in his stomach and he closes his legs around Dabi’s head.

Dabi speaks again, “Let me change my phrasing.”

His eyes meet Hawks’ and his expression is intense. There’s a bit of red on his chin and Hawks can see the points of his canines from under his top lips. They’re bared and the sight sends heat down Hawks’ shoulders. Dabi licks his lips once before asking agin.

“I want your consent to feed.”

Hawks‘ stomach drops. “F-feed?”

Dabi doesn’t reply, just watches Hawks with dark eyes. Hawks doesn’t need clarification on what Dabi means. Dabi’s mouth rests right at Hawks’ entrance, he can feel the heat from his breath. Hawks bites his lip as it trembles a bit, but then he closes his eyes and nods.

He keeps his eyes shut tight as he hears Dabi make a soft noise. It almost sounds like a fucking purr as he presses his face into Hawks’ sopping folds. Dabi’s tongue moves to press inside of him and every muscle in Hawks’ body tenses.

He fights through the negative emotions that instantly come to the surface, trying to tell himself it’s different from that. Sure Dabi is eating him out, but he’s also feeding, which is entirely different. Hawks keeps that thought at the forefront of his mind as Dabi’s tongue curls inside of him.

Hawks’ hands fist in the sheets and his hips cant upward subconsciously. Dabi’s hands smooth over Hawks’ inner thighs. He puts pressure above the bite he gave Hawks earlier and Hawks feels the hint of pain, savoring it a bit as he tries to ignore the automatic reactions of his body.

Dabi’s tongue inside of him has him steadily getting wetter and more aroused. He can feel his muscles twitch and tighten as Dabi works his way deeper into him. Dabi’s teeth press against Hawks’ engorged lips as he tries to force his tongue in as far as he can.

He brushes the wet muscle against a spot that Hawks hasn’t touched in years and it has a whimper coming from Hawks as his hips jerk. Dabi’s hands tighten around his legs and he pulls Hawks closer to him, starting what Hawks can only think to describe as an assault on his pussy.

Dabi’s teeth clip at his inner lips as he sucks. His tongue writhes inside of Hawks and Hawks feels more pleasure starting to coil up. He puts both his hands in Dabi’s hair, trying not to pull, but also holding on as Dabi scoots him up further on the bed, his nose bumping the underside of Hawks’ cock.

Hawks makes a little noise that Dabi clearly picks up on as he angles his head to put pressure on Hawks’ cock. Inside of him, Dabi’s tongue curls, somehow reaching deep enough to press against that spot that has Hawks’ trembling. The slight drag of Dabi’s canines over his overstimulated hole has Hawks cumming again, holding onto Dabi‘s hair with a vice grip.

As Dabi pulls away, Hawks dares to glance at him as he comes down from his second orgasm. Dabi looks insane. Parts of his white hair stick out in places where Hawks has mussed it. His eyes are heavy lidded, the brilliant blue just a hint around his blown pupils. There’s blood and slick smeared over his face. He looks crazed, like a feral animal.

Hawks’ breath hitches as Dabi looks at him. His eyes are slightly unfocused, but they stay on Hawks’ face as Dabi moves a hand to hook under one of Hawks’ knees. He raises his leg, putting it over his shoulder as he presses his face to the unmarred skin of Hawks’ other thigh.

Hawks shivers as Dabi runs his tongue over the flesh. He noses his way into the dip of Hawks’ pelvis and Hawks shivers. There’s wet saliva dripping on his skin as Dabi opens his mouth and then there’s a searing pain that has Hawks crying out.

“Fuck! AH! Shit..”

Tears come to his eyes as he feels the full strength of Dabi’s jaw, nearly breaking into the bone of Hawks’ femur. The pain is intense and warm liquid starts to pool under Hawks as Dabi pulls back for a moment before latching onto the gouges he’s made.

He sucks with fervor and Hawks’ head falls back on the bed. His vision swims and there’s a dull ache throughout his body. Dabi’s teeth pierce his skin again, widening the holes. Salacious, wet noises echo through the bedroom as Dabi greedily swallows the blood pouring out of the artery he’s opened in Hawks’ thigh. There’s a ringing that starts in Hawks’ ears, but then Dabi’s voice is there.

“You’re hemorrhaging.”

“Hmmm?” Hawks slurs, his body heavy.

There’s silence for a moment and then one of Dabi’s hands comes to cup Hawks side, a grounding, if not possessive touch as Hawks feels the pads of Dabi’s fingers dig into his skin.

Dabi’s voice fades in and out slightly. “I’ll take care of it.” His lips press against Hawks’ stomach, leaving a bloody kiss, “Bad blood is all it was.”

He moves his lips up Hawks’ limp body, trailing red smeared marks until he reaches Hawks’ neck. Hawks’ head lolls to the side, waiting for Dabi to open the old bite marks there. Instead he feels the soft press of Dabi’s lips against his.

His mind is so foggy he half convinces himself he’s hallucinating. But he can taste the tang of iron on Dabi’s tongue as it sweeps along his bottom lip. Dabi’s lips brush against his as he whispers something too soft to hear. It’s somehow soothing, allowing Hawks’ to let go of the negative tension and anxiety and go pliant in Dabi’s arms. It’s only bliss as Dabi kisses him again.

“Just bad blood. That’s all.”

Post Script: my idea of vampires involves them not necessarily having “blood” anymore aside from what they intake. They’re dead essentially so no blood is being cycled through their own bodies. Dabi broke the femoral artery in Hawks’ thigh which is the main blood vessel to the lower body. So Hawks is bleeding out or just expelling the current blood he has. I like to think vampires don’t need to eat as often so when they do it’s kinda like snakes where they go a long time between meals. I do also have a sorta explanation as to how Hawks could have had a “period” despite being dead which would negate the need for HRT since his own body isn’t producing any hormones, estrogen or testosterone.

PPS: If people are interested I can expand or continue this. I just have in depth ideas that include boring medical stuff. Anyway. Hope you enjoyed.

#any trans readers or nb readers that wanna give feedback I’d love to hear it #I’ve struggled with some of this kinda dysphoria but I’m always open to conversation #anyway #vampire dabi #vampire hawks #vampire dabihawks #trans hawks #trans #trans fanfic #trans writing #ftm hawks

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bbygirldahyun · 3 years

Text

with something like this, there never feels like a right time, and i don’t know if i’ll ever feel well and truly prepared to talk about these things, but i’ll give it a shot. here is my experience with reza and the entire situation.

i say none of this with malice, and i would hope nobody else does either. nobody but those who were directly involved can understand, talking about this is hard, but it’s weighing me down not to. so please, don’t send anyone hate or interact with her at all. i just want to express what happened and move on.

i became friends with reza awhile ago, probably over a year ago at least if my memory serves me correctly. unlike many others in this situation, we were very close. we spoke nearly everyday. we have spoken on the phone, she has met my girlfriend over the phone, we shared a lot of personal things. we even talked about meeting in person at one point. so trust me when i say, this has brought me an intense amount of sorrow, loss, and guilt.

i know people throw around words like gaslighting and manipulative a lot, but i truly mean it when i say she manipulated many of us. she made me feel absolutely insane sometimes, like i couldn’t trust my own memories, perspectives, and experiences. what i said i thought happened never mattered. experiences i had with someone were never considered unless they aligned with her predetermined narrative. she would convince me i said or did things i didn’t, or at least didnt remember saying. she told people i was angry at her about something when i had no recollection of it. i’m not an angry person, i couldn’t imagine being truly angry and harsh with her ever.

it seemed every few weeks or months, she picked a new person to dislike and she wanted everyone else to dislike them too. she used to tell me frequently how nobody ever believed her about anything, so at first when she would tell me about not liking someone for some reason i always tried to validate her and believe what she said. i wanted her to know i was a good friend, i wanted to be a good friend. but the more it went on, the more i started to question things. people i didn’t know very well i easily believed what she said, because i’m very trusting. i had no reason not to trust her, really. but then it became people who were my friends that were the targets of her distaste.

if i ever had a small problem with someone, she blew it way out of proportion. of course all friends have issues, everyone has issues. so i would confide in her when other people i was friends with had upset me somehow, and she always responded with incredibly petty insults about the person whether it be their writing, their art, or about them as a person. it was very odd. but i learned very quickly i couldn’t ever defend any of my other friends, because that angered her severely. she has talked poorly about just about every single person on this website in this community, including her own friends. i know sometimes you just need a place to vent, i understand that, i’ve done that myself. but she was often rude, petty, and insulting about these people. it wasn’t just venting, it was true distaste and malice.

if she wasn’t responding with petty insults, she would become very intense about the situation. she would almost always instruct me to not trust that person anymore, or to cut them off, or even sometimes go as far as to “handle” the situation herself. another writer mentioned in their post that they were kicked from a groupchat because of her, and i was in that groupchat, and she did it simply because a joke that was made had upset me slightly. she took things from 0 to 100 in seconds, before i could even protest. sometimes when she did things like that, i felt perhaps that’s what friends did? i didn’t have many friends growing up, so i guess i didn’t really know. but it often felt as if she treated me like someone who couldn’t fight my own battles when really, i’m just not a fighter by choice. i’d rather talk things out, especially with someone who was a friend of mine who i cherish deeply.

i confided in her that i was very trusting and thought everyone had good intentions due to being autistic and taking what people say at face value. i told her that’s how i ended up in my abusive relationship, because i was too trusting. she told me she hated that anyone had done that to me, and then went and did it herself. she took advantage of the fact i can’t tell easily when i’m being manipulated. she attempted to plant seeds of distrust within me towards every single other friend i had, even my girlfriend. i spoke to her once about an issue my girlfriend and i had had a long time ago, and she immediately said in essence she didn’t think my girlfriend was good for me. this was one issue within a nearly 5 year relationship. it felt insanely isolating, to be told at every turn that anyone in my life was bad for me, except for her.

it’s also worthy of pointing that all of these people who she would talk so poorly about to me and to just about anyone who would listen, she is more than willing to turn around and kiss their feet when she lost all her friends. duckie was a particular target of hers in terms of her attempts to get me to cut my friendship off with. some of the things she said to me, i don’t even want to repeat, though of course i have told duckie about it. she has said nasty things about her, about me, about our entire friendship. and yet, the second she didn’t have her friends on here anymore, she was tagging duckie in a praising post, surely in the hopes somebody might take her side i can only assume. that really boiled my blood — all of those nasty words, only to turn around and do that. and duckie isn’t even the only one, she’s just the one i’m closest to who reza did that with.

she has accused so many of us of being clout obsessed or chasing clout. i am no professional, nor can i make claims with 100% certainty, but i would go out on a limb and say i’m fairly positive those accusations are heavy projection. many of her accusations are, to be frank. she has always been seeking “clout”, attention really, ever since the beginning. she used to tell me her biggest dream was to end up on one of those writer reccomendation lists and so it doesn’t surprise me at all that her supposed final straw with lu was being excluded from one, even accidentally. but of course, she’s certainly accused all of us time and time again that we’re obsessed with clout, that we’re all only friends with each other for clout. and it’s sad to me, that that’s how she sees friendship, a means for exchange. but it’s clear that’s how she treats friendships.

she also accused someone of copying art. now whether they did or not, i have absolutely no clue. but when she showed me the supposedly copied art, i told her i wasn’t an artist and i’m also pretty face blind so i wasn’t sure if i was the best judge of whether it was copied or not. she got very angry at me for not believing her, and i tried to reassure her i trusted her perspectives i just couldn’t make the call myself. this became a repetitive situation between us — her making an accusation, me trying to dispute or to even just deflect and move on in conversation, and she’d get mad at me or just straight up stop replying. it was exhausting.

the rumors she has spread about me and others on here are horrible. some of the things she’s said about me have me absolutely floored. there’s things i’d love to address, but i don’t want to throw the person who told me what she said under the bus. but what i will say, is she basically acts as if i’m incompetent without her. i hate to throw around accusing words, but in retrospect many of the things she did and said to me and things she’s said and done since ending our friendship feel incredibly ableist and infantalizing.

now onto what really brought all of this to head. i’m sure all of you have seen the posts referring her calling a trans poc a nazi, but that’s not my story to tell really. my story is what happened after. she dmed me in the midst of that situation to complain to me about the person she accused of being a nazi, and i essentially told her not to bring me in the middle of it. at the time they were both my friends, and i thought she was acting incredibly out of pocket. of course, she grew upset, but insisted she wasn’t trying to bring me into it. i told her i didn’t think her accusation was fair, she told me that this person blocking her was “proof” that they were a nazi supporter, and i basically told her that was quite a leap. we didn’t talk for awhile after that, until she reached out again saying she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and this very long, nice message. i told her i valued her friendship a lot and as her friend, i felt it was my duty to tell her she fucked up and that she should apologized. she admitted to me she knew she was wrong. she admitted it. but she said something like it was too late to do anything about it. one of our last dm exchanges was her saying i was the one person she didn’t want to lose. then she blocked everyone.

so when she tells people i blocked her, or i ended the friendship, or whatever, that’s not true. i didn’t block her until she blocked me. i was never mean to her, not even at the very bitter end. if she thinks i was a bad friend, by all means she can think that, but i tried my best day in and day out to be a good friend. i wanted to make things work so badly, i truly loved reza as a best friend, we had so many good memories together. it broke my heart to watch her behave that way and go on to behave how she’s behaved since. i thought she was better than all of that.

she’s thrown out all sorts of wild accusations towards nearly everyone on here, including claiming we’re all lesbophobic for not supporting her gofundme. this is where her hypocrisy becomes evident. her close friend who has since deactivated had made a post basically claiming that posting “a few words” isnt activism right in the middle of when many of us on here were sharing donation links of black people in need in the aftermath of the chauvin verdict, which reza reblogged. both reza and her friend shared their own gofundmes mere days after that post. i thought that was absolutely despicable. not to mention the amount of times she’s accused lu of being transphobic and a bad ally, or reblogged posts of her cis friend claiming lu is a bad ally, which just isn’t true in the slightest. lu is an upstanding individual, and truly the pinnacle of allyship in my mind. she doesn’t just reblog a post to look good, she’s truly an amazing and supportive friend. couldn’t ask for better than that.

reza is hypocritical in so many other, smaller ways. she attacked someone for simply watching a critical review of attack on titan but continues to stan groups and people who have problematic or questionable pasts or elements to them. of course, media has problematic elements and we can engage with that critically, but the problem is she seems to think only she can do that and other people are free game to jump on and make wild accusations about. she claimed softblocking people was dumb, only to softblock me herself days later. the expectations she places on others she feels no obligation to uphold herself.

she has made attempts to entice new writers into this community by promoting them, praising their work, and claiming they can be the biggest writer etc all the while on her twitter tweeting things to the effect of all the writing on hc tumblr is boring now, or twice fic isn’t as good anymore, dreamcatcher fics are better etc etc. it’s disgusting. she brought innocent people fresh to the community into this nonsense and the second they didn’t validate her entire pov she deleted everything relating to them on her blog, all her promotions, and tweeted she’ll never help a new writer again. it was horrible to watch how many people became involved in this messy web and got hurt because of it.

i want to end all of this by apologizing from the bottom of my heart to anybody who i was swayed into a wrong opinion of by reza, to anyone who i spoke on without realizing i was being clouded by her manipulation, and to all of my friends who she spoke so poorly about. i did everything i thought i could to defend the people i cared about, but as many others can attest to she’s incredibly hard to argue against. it’s painful, and sometimes i hit a point of exhaustion. i am so sorry. i am truly, truly sorry to anyone who has been hurt by this situation, by reza or any of her friends or anybody. it was terrible being stuck in that cycle of awfulness, and i feel so much guilt thinking that i could’ve ever contributed to her poor actions and words about others. i trusted her with so many private things and i regret it more than anything.

that’s the hardest part of this, that i trusted her with so much. i trusted her with many things i would hardly share with anyone else. i told her embarrassing stories, shared much of my traumas to her, told her about my sister and my family and my girlfriend and all of these personal things. she told me so many things in return, but i know who i am. i know i would never share any of those things, none of the embarrassing stuff or the private stuff, nor would i laugh at it even to myself. but i know who she is, and that makes me feel like someone who i can’t trust holds so many things i shared in comfort, a comfort i no longer have. it’s difficult to grapple with.

and reza, if you’re reading this and i’m pretty positive you will be — i hope you find peace within yourself so you don’t have to treat people this way. perhaps i’m too optimistic, too kind and too trusting and too easily tricked, but i would rather be that than live the way you have, paranoid and bitter inside towards everyone. i hope you find a way beyond that, and i mean that genuinely.

#me

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wolfstar-in-color · 3 years

Text

June Creator Spotlight: BigBlackDog

Hello, colorful cuties, and welcome to our first creator spotlight!!

Each month, we will highlight a different creator in our lovely fandom who features diverse characterizations. We will invite you to get to know them better through questions and answers, Fandom Discourse(tm), and a featured prompt created by our guest!!!

For our first spotlight, we are more than pleased to highlight the incredible work of bigblackdog!!! See a little snippet of this wonderful interview below, along with bigblackdog’s prompt! Look below the cut for our complete interview. Don’t forget to share and interact with this post, and if you have anyone you’d like to recommend for a spotlight, shoot us an ask! You can find our first guest’s Tumblr here.

“I've experienced ups and downs in the wolfstar fandom. It often feels like the wolfstar fandom is willing to engage in discussion about every political issue but race. And the few people who are trying to talk about race consistently encounter this silence.”

bigblackdog’s prompt: I want to see more latino characters who are not impoverished or criminalized. Give me a joyful latino/e remus!

Hello, I'm bigblackdog! I'm almost 30, and I've been active in fandom on various platforms for about seven years now. I'm latina/e and live in the u.s. with a small white dog.

Q: How did you start creating in the fandom? What did you wish to bring into the fandom?

A: Like a lot of fans I started with self insert fic as a middle schooler. Sometimes the practice of self-insert gets ragged on in fandom, as if you're not doing real character work, but I think it's really cool. And if you're an under represented identity in the traditional western canon of literature, self insert is a radical practice. Making space for yourself in a story that refuses or ignores your identities is a radical act. And that's what i want to bring to fandom-- disruption and self care.

Q: What things about s/r as characters or in their relationship inspire you to create around them?

A: Wolfstar was the first queer ship I was introduced to. I wasn't someone who arrived in fandom with my own robust queer reading skills, I needed other queers to hold my hand and introduce me to queer ships and how to find them and build them. My interest in r/s was simply a clinging to queerness I wasn't finding in other places. I really think it could have been any characters, as long as they were queer.

Q: What things would you like to highlight about the Wolfstar fandom and your experience in it?

A: I've experienced ups and downs in the wolfstar fandom. It often feels like the wolfstar fandom is willing to engage in discussion about every political issue but race. And the few people who are trying to talk about race consistently encounter this silence. It's hard not to feel bitter. But i've also met some amazing people and overall feel that fans really are trying their best to be welcoming and inclusive.

Q: What type of content do you wish you saw more in the fandom?

A: I want to see more discourse that aims at amplifying underrepresented voices like wolfstar-in-color. I want to see more fans of color joyfully and irreverently writing themselves into the magical world!

Q: What is your favourite wolfstar fancontent (fic/fanart/gifset/etc) and how does it inspire you?

A: I love dontthinkonithermione's rp. Not only does she do an amazing nerdy know it all Hermione, she envisions Black characters in every corner of the hp world. Have you seen her Hogwarts p.e. professor rps? i love the space she creates for herself, and the joy she does it with.

Q: Which of your own identities inform your creative processes? How has that process been for you?

A: I started out in fandom really trying to feel out the nooks and crannies of being queer. As i've spent more time in fandom and become more confident in my queerness I've started looking closer at some of my other identities-- Latina, mixed, adhd-- and how i can squeeze them into the hp world. For a long time it was hard, especially with being Latine and mixed, to envision how that identity could belong in a 90s British boarding school in the Scottish wilderness. I also really struggled with the feeling that i would get "diversity" wrong. I’ve also struggled with feeling like I have to write diversity because i'm an underrepresented voice. Brown people are often pressured to do the work of educating white people about racism and in fandom spaces that often means pressure to write the reality of racism instead of the fantasy that white writers get to play with. And sometimes i just want to write a pwp without worrying about the revolution, you know? But i really love fandom for its refusal to play by the rules of capitalism and canon, eventually i started to feel like putting more of myself into my writing was another rule i could break.

Q: What advice do you have for other content creators with diverse backgrounds in the fandom? What would you say to people that might feel they don’t have the “right” history/experience/characteristics to participate in the creation of content related to Wolfstar?

First, there's a lot of content on tumblr that aims to silence your voice, learn how to recognize the difference between cancel culture and encouragement. Sometimes content that seems well meaning still presents writing diversity as a list of black and white rules (and virtue signaling) instead of encouragement for underrepresented voices to share their own messy experience. Set those rules gently aside. Second, fandom is built on the idea that the author isn't the only person who gets to play. we all get to play. It doesn't always feel like we were invited, but the great thing about fandom is there is no barrier to entry, no prior experience or publishing hoops to jump through. This is our playground too. If canon is dead then why can't our stories be brown and queer and neurodivergent? Third, find your people. i've found that having just one other person to talk about race with has made the whole space feel more welcoming.

Q: How could we build a more diverse fandom?

A: We have to stop prioritizing white and cis male voices. We recognize that policing irl is a problem inextricable from whiteness and maleness, but we don't see that fandom policing online is also a problem deeply embedded in whiteness and maleness. White and cis male people frequently use their discomfort with difficult topics to change the subject from a critical discussion to one that prioritizes their white and/or male feelings. The same thing happens online when personal discomfort is used to cancel or undermine content that's challenging to a white or male voice. White and cis male voices are used to having their needs met above others. And we still cater to that in fandom spaces when we privilege 'fetishization' discourse over racial discourse. When we lift up bipoc and women/trans/nb voices and the issues they're concerned with we'll make fandom a more welcoming place for underrepresented voices.

Q: What’s your favourite thing to modify in Sirius’s or Remus’s characterizations to bring new perspectives to them?

A: It really depends on the story i'm writing and what issue i'm trying to figure out. Sometimes i need Sirius to be Adhd to come to terms with my brain, sometimes i need two brown boys to fall in love and be happy against all odds.

Q: What does diversity mean to you? What does that encompass in fannish spaces?

A: This is a hard question! I tend to think of diversity as those voices that are disenfranchised or pushed to the margins. And fannish spaces have all the same hierarchies and blind spots as other spaces. In fannish spaces there's the idea that you can curate your experience to some extent, but for marginalized voices, at least in my experience, no matter how much you curate the marginalization is still there.

Q: What are your ideas about the notions of culture and ethnicity? How do you relate to those notions?

A: There was a time in my life where relating to my ethnicity was largely a process of recognizing larger systems of oppression and how they worked against my various identities. And for a while it was a really helpful way to frame my experiences. Now I feel a little less attached to ethnicity as like, a monolithic concept threaded through my whole life and more attached to the small things that I enjoy about my ethnicity and culture-- making a really good pot of beans, for example.

Q: Leave us with a quote or work of art that always inspires you.

A: "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare." Audre Lorde

#creator spotlight #bigblackdog #bigblackdogfic #wolfstar #fandom #diversity

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 3 years

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So I looked through a detransition blog just out of curiosity, since it was one you reblogged, but now I’m super... freaked out? I have a top surgery consultation in April but now I have this weird fear that I’m faking it or that I’ll regret it afterwards. I’ve identified as somewhere along non-binary and trans (he/they!) for over a year, and I’ve known I’m not a girl for even longer, but now I’m just so afraid that maybe I don’t know myself at all. Do you have any advice on what this is?

Lee says:

Discussing your feelings with a therapist can sometimes help you untangle the anxiety from everything else. It’s reasonable to have some apprehension about a major surgery that can have a big impact on your life because it is a big change- and like any other surgery, it also has medical risk and can result in complications.

And reading about other people’s feelings about their surgeries can be helpful! I do recommend reading things from people who were happy with the outcome and reading things from people who weren't to get a better perspective on the range of experiences that can exist. Only reading the negative or the positive doesn’t provide a balanced view!

But even if you read other people’s stories, and talk to them about why they feel the way they do about their choices and bodies, nobody else can tell you what you should do for yourself. Even a therapist can’t know for sure if you will regret surgery (or anything else that you choose to do) because nobody can see into the future, see into your heart, and see into mind simultaneously to and determine for certain what it is that you need.

As soon as I came out as non-binary when I was 15, I started saving money for top surgery. I was someone who ran towards top surgery at full tilt and I didn’t give myself any space for doubt about whether it was the right choice for me because I felt it was the only choice I had-- forwards or nothing. I was pretty severely depressed at the time and had a brief hospitalization the month before I turned 18, and I was sort of pinning all my hopes on top surgery reducing my dysphoria and booting out my depression. So I scheduled my consultation as soon as I turned 18 and was legally an adult and could do so without parental permission. I immediately scheduled my surgery for the soonest available date, and had inverted-T incision top surgery about 3 months after I turned 18.

Now I’m 21 years old, and I’m 3 years and 5 months post-op from my top surgery.

In retrospect, top surgery was 110% the right choice for me. If I could do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Top surgery really did reduce my dysphoria by a significant amount, and that made it easier for me to cope with my depression and other mental health issues. I was proudly parading around the house shirtless as soon as I was able to stop using post-op compression, before my incisions had even healed into scars.

I don’t have any dysphoria about my chest anymore, especially now that I’ve gotten tattoos to cover my scars. I finally feel like I look like how I always knew I was meant to look.

I don’t post pictures of my chest anymore because I have distinguishing tattoos but I’ve posted a few before/after pictures when I was 3 years post-op and I think things have only gotten better now.

I was lucky to not have any complications; I don’t have any nerve pain, and hypertrophic or keloid scarring, and I didn’t need any revisions. But there are some things that are non-ideal compared to if I had just been born with a typical cis-guy flat chest. My nips are a little wonky in color and shape, and I plan on getting medical tattoos at some point to even the edges out. I also have slightly muted sensation in my chest now, so everything is like slightly number than it was before.

When I was pre-op, I did enjoy having nipple sensation that was pleasurable; even though I had inverted t-incision top surgery which preserved the nipple stalk, I still only have tactile, temperature, and pain sensations in my chest. If you put an ice cube on my nipple and my eyes were closed, I’d know it was cold. If you poked me while I was looking away, I’d still feel it. And if you squeezed me, it would hurt. But somehow it doesn’t feel good anymore like it used to.

I don’t know how much of that loss in erotic sensation is a mental thing and how much is a physical change caused by scar tissue build up around the nerve. But regardless, it is a real loss.

For me, that loss is well worth it. While I might have been physically capable of experiencing erotic nipple/chest sensation before, I rarely actually did have that experience because it made me too dysphoric and I didn’t like to take my shirt off during sex. Now I feel more fully present and comfortable in my own body and it makes me more engaged so I can focus on my partner and on the other feelings I’m having and how I look isn’t something that is detracting from the experience.

In general, top surgery has made my life better in a million ways. I love running shirtless with my college cross country team, I like going swimming at the beach with no shirt, and I like the way I look now when I see myself in a mirror after stepping out of the shower.

When I get dressed in the morning, my day starts off on a neutral note because it’s just me putting on clothes. Sometimes I pause to think about how I can just put on a shirt and feel good about it and move on. Before, I used to be upset every morning because the first thing I’d be reminded of when I woke up was that my chest was there and I didn’t want it to be. I’m Autistic, and binding was Not comfortable for me sensory-wise, so not having to bind was also nice.

I would choose to get top surgery again, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right choice for each and every person. I am sure it was the right choice for me, and I have no regrets at all, I never want to have breasts again. But someone else might think that not having erotic nipple sensation is a dealbreaker, or they might not be comfortable with scars if they tend to heal with more visible raised scars that are harder to cover with a tattoo like I did mine.

So I can tell you that top surgery has made my life better and I’m glad I got it and I don’t think that there would have been any way for me to be as happy as I am now if I had not gotten it. Top surgery is life saving and life-changing for some people, and I am one of those people. I might be more inclined to tell people that if you think you need surgery you should get it because my surgery went so well and because I’m still identifying as genderqueer, transmasculine, and non-binary, just like I was when I was 15, so my identity is pretty static there.

Some other post-op people may tell you that they regret their surgery, that they wish they hadn’t done it, and they would make a different decision if they could go back in time. They might want to help warn other people to not make the same mistake that they did. Detransitioned folks often (but not always) have a different perspective than folks who persisted in being transgender and that’s okay- it isn’t a better perspective or a worse one, just a different one. But both trans and reidentified people can feel this way, even though it’s usually more common for de-trans folks to regret surgical procedures that it is for trans folks.

I semi-rushed into surgery for both emotional and logistical reasons but I knew it was right for me. But that isn’t the best choice for everyone and if you aren’t 100% sure that it is what you want and need then there’s nothing wrong with having the consultation with the surgeon to learn more and then thinking things over before you schedule a surgery date (or don’t), you don’t need to immediately schedule a surgery date after the consult. Think of it as an interview and as an information gathering session.

Neither of us can tell you what you should do because neither of us are “right” or “wrong” about top surgery. It’s just a different experience and a different perspective. We all have biases based on our own way of seeing things, and that can inform our advice.

If you know what the risks are, and you’ve given it careful thought and can provide an informed consent, then whether you should get surgery is your decision. I won’t tell you “go get it!” or “don’t go get it!” and I don’t think that any blogger should be telling anons what medical procedures to get or not get.

Worrying that you’re faking it, that you don’t know who you are, and worrying about regret is something that can be pretty scary and frustrating, but you don’t need to figure it out on your own, and it’s okay to take a little longer to come to a decision and talk it over with a therapist if you think it’s necessary to help you cope with that anxiety.

But yeah, I believe that ultimately you have to trust your gut feelings on what you know to be right for you.