#either i am soon going to die or my anxiety is causing me to repeatedly have heart palpitations | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

marvellovegalore · 6 years

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It’s okay.

Erik Stevens/Killmonger.

Requested imagine:

1. I request a Killmongerx reader where Erik had a GF who dumped him because of his increasingly scary vengeance (one night she thought he was going to attack HER), but months later he shows up at her place, having been given another chance at life and now working with Tchalla...

2. Love your stories they are so well written and vivid in description. Can I request a Erik x reader where Erik lives and has been redeeming himself with his family and he asks T’Challa to go to the US to take one person back to Wakanda—-the girl he loved but didn’t treat right die to his issues...

Note: This was one of the first requested imagines, Anon(s) I am so sorry for taking so long to get this imagine out, I do hope you like it but I could have done better. Love and Wakanda Forever x

Warning: Strong Language, Violence Themes

The rays of sun above his head cause his eyes to flutter open. He exhales and rubs his eyes. He sits up and scratches his chest, the pads of his fingers rubbing through the ridges of his numerous scars. He yawns and swings his feet over the bed.

He stands, stark naked, and enters his bathroom. He gets himself ready with a mixture of anxiety and determination in his heart. He bites his lip as he looks at himself in the mirror, seeing the eyes of a man in the midst of a emotional and political deradicalisation. The fragments of his irises lay abandoned in his pupils. He’s slowly putting back the pieces of his view.

The last year of his change has come with unparalleled hardship for Erik Stevens, or as his family calls him - N’Jadaka. The things he’s done to this nation are irreversible. It only took him a couple of days to scar the once untouched land. He’s revealed an ugly in the world that many Wakandans couldn’t bear or accept. He was only accepted by a small number of people in the nation, but he is slowly being accepted into the society.

He is more than grateful. It’s the first time he’s been given a chance. The first time since her.

“Erik,” she questions quietly, the tired lilt to her voice floats through the quiet and brightly lit apartment.

He sighs and leans against the closed door. He lifts his head and walks into the living room. He walks past the couch and she gasps when her eyes register the blood stained clothes clinging to his body.

“Erik, babe, what happened?” She strikes up from the couch and goes to stand in front of him.

He huffs out and moves her aside with a slick movement of his arm. She crashes against the wall but the worry and curiosity compel her to follow him. Following him into the dark seems to be something she does quite a lot, the bedroom is black and the dim light from the corridor is barely any help to either of them.

“Erik? Erik?” She steps slowly and carefully on the floor, her bare feet making a slightly weird noise on the wood. “Just talk to me babe. I promise I won’t judge...” her voice is soft. “Baby, I just want to know. that you weren’t doing what we discussed you wouldn't do - anymore.”

Erik exhales, feeling a minuscule tug in his heart - wanting him to just rant and tell her the truth about his fears and needs. He just wants to give himself up to her, sometimes.

“Please Erik.” The lilt of her voice is soothing to him, and he almost lets her find him in the dark, but he moves away as her hands almost grasp him.

“Damn, Y/N, can’t a nigga just breathe?” He growls loudly, she squeals but bites her tongue - holding back her full blown scream.

She sighs, feeling the regular attitude and bad boy behaviour scent masking any clean particles on her room. “Erik,” she pauses and sighs, “Please baby, just talk to me calmly. I just want to understand what you’ve been doing until five in the morning.” She shrugs.

“Y/N,” a growl punctuates her name, this time taking five steps to her, she understands the direction he’s taking to her, hearing the ring around his necklace clashing against his dog tag violently.

“Erik, I just-“

“Nah, you just talk too much. You know exactly what I was doing until five in the damn morning. Stop trying to patronise me.” He breath beats against her face, her body shrinks as he talks down on her. “I ain’t your baby. And I ain’t your goddamn man, Y/N.”

Her back feels frozen against the wall of the bedroom. She swallows and her eyes focus on his clenched fists, each one poised tightly besides her face.

“Fuck that!” He slams both fists against the wall, almost shattering her eardrums.

She jumps, startled. Her heart pounds against her chest violently. She hyperventilates and her fingers cover her mouth, muffling her panicked breaths. She inhales. His eyes bore into her, not an ounce of compassion floats in his eyes.

He stalks off into the bathroom, the noise of the dog tag and the ring clashing against one another repeatedly drags her into a sunken place. A sly, tiny tears drops out of her eye. She wipes it quickly and forcefully pushes her body off of the wall.

“Erik!” She storms up to the closed door of the bathroom. “Open the fucking door.” She bangs on the door, any care for how much noise she is making goes out of the window. “Open up, Erik.” Her fingers wrap around the door handle and she pushes it down. The door doesn’t budge.

“You need to leave Erik.” She mumbles as her efforts don’t result in success. She lets her forehead fall against the door, her pants audible to both of them. “Just go Erik, go away from me. I don’t want you here.” She whispers.

The sadness in her voice makes him bite his lip as he watches himself in the mirror. Looking into the eyes of a man in the verge of breaking.

The process of personal reconstruction and social rehabilitation have been long and tedious for Erik. He’s had to learn that despite what his mother had said during his late childhood - he wasn’t always right.

He’s learnt from the elders of Wakanda as they have from him. He’s learning to adapt and cooperate with others.

“N’Jadaka.” T’Challa’s strong voice calls out from behind him.

At first he doesn’t respond, not entirely accustomed to the name, but as soon as T’Challa places his hand on his shoulder Erik almost jumps into a fight stance. His swift movement knocks his cousin’s hand off of his shoulder.

“N’Jadaka, calm down, it’s just me.” Erik’s shoulders slacken and he sighs. “How are you?” T’Challa looks at his cousin, his arms behind his back.

“I’m cool.” Erik nods, his own arms behind his back. “I’m cool.” He licks his bottom lip. He looks up at T’Challa.

Not much of the animosity was left between the two. T’Challa forgave Erik easily, understanding that as he had mentioned before - he was a monster of their own creation. Erik was unable to understand and accept why his cousin kept him alive. He would have rather died than face the consequences of his poor actions.

But he’s alive. That’s it.

“I’ve been thinking about the outreach program.” Erik straightens himself up, a serious tone washing his voice. T’Challa nods and puts his full attention on his cousin. “I’ve been thinking that I can extend my abilities back home.”

T’Challa’s eyes widen and he raises his head - his interest piqued. “Okay.” He nods.

“My abilities will be better suited back in the US. I can get across to the people there. I’m from there.” He purses his lips, and then sighs. “I got unfinished business there.” He bows his head for a split second and looks back at T’Challa, square in the eye.

“Of course,” T’Challa smiles tightly, trying not to show Erik his enthusiasm at his initiative. “I’m happy that you’re excited to do something with the outreach programme that you inspired.” He places a hand on Erik’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I have to contribute, don’t I?” Erik shrugs, a gleaming smirk stretching his lips as he and T’Challa walk to the council room.

The feeling of rain on his skin is not registering in his brain. He looks up at the windows of her home. The lights are on and it gives him a pang of nostalgia.

A sliver of a smile graces his lips. He watches for any movement in her windows, but nothing happens - no shadows go past her windows.

He tilts his head, his eyes glancing side to side, watching the cars drive on the road. As his foot hits the road as the flow of traffic slows - he sees her. His eyes widen and he glides across the road, she approaches her own home. He barely registers his travel to her.

She juggles her bags to her left hand and uses her right hand to fish out her keys. She struggles to balance the keys and drops them. He speeds up his walking and stops behind her.

She picks up her keys and in the process drops her bags. She growls and huffs out in frustration.

He picks up her bags from the ground, slowly to not startle her.

But she squeals, she bursts into a spin to look at her assailant. Her wide eyes are highlighted by the headlights of the incoming traffic.

A gasp escapes her lips.

She looks just the same as the day they met. Except for the fact that it was raining and she didn’t have the eyes of a heartbroken and scorned woman.

“Aye, you dropped something.” He yells to the girl with one earphone in.

She turns, a suspicious expression greeting him back. She narrows her eyes, stops and whips her dreads behind her back.

“You talking to me?” She quips, a manicured hand coming to her chest in question.

He nods, speechless at the beauty in front of him. But he shakes out of the trance. “Yeah, I’m talking to you. And since you stopped, I’d like to ask for your number.” He throws out his most charming smile, bearing his teeth out into the sunny day.

She chuckles, her teeth gleaming under the sun rays. “Ha, good one,” she backs away from him slowly, the chocolate of her eyes spreads over his body as she sizes him up and down. “But no-“

“Just let me get your number, and if you ain’t feeling me like that - just block my number and I’ll bounce.” The mischievous look on his face makes her giggle.

And Erik finds it one of the most sublime views ever seen. Not even the sights of the ocean, the snowy mountains or of tropical flora can beat the sight of this woman - whose skin shines under the spotlight of the sun.

“Hey baby girl.” He winks at her, gripping her bags tightly.

She blinks. She gulps, and she stares.

Erik fears she’s frozen, he takes one step closer to her. She wakes out of her reverie as she sees that he’s closer to her.

“Get away from me!” She yelps and turns like a bird going into flight. “Stay away from me Erik Stevens.” She fumbles to find the right key to open her door, she does just as Erik climbs the stairs to her door. She slips in rapidly and shuts the door in his face.

“You’re going to have to let me though, baby girl, I got your stuff.” He feels the raindrops roll into his clothes, they drip through his scars.

The response is absolute silence from the other side of the door. Not one floorboard creeks, and not one light is turned off or on. It’s as if she’s disappeared into thin air.

But the door slams open and she pokes her head out, “Give me my bags.” Her tone is blistered with anger and betrayal.

Her raises his eyebrows, “Well you gotta let me in to get your bags.” He shrugs.

She tries to snatch them off of him, but she can’t as he steps away from the door. “Give them,” her lips barely move as she crosses her arms over her closed coat.

He shakes his head and steps back to the door, “Talk to me and I will.” He feels his face setting like stone, trying to convey the seriousness of his reappearance in her life.

“No!” She yelps out. “No, no, no!” She almost screams. A frustrated glare etches her face, and she reminds him of the people of Wakanda when they realised he was still alive. Angry.

“Just go, Erik. Take that shit with you and disappear from my life. Again.” She shuts the door, but he traps it with his foot. She shakes her head and closes her eyes. “Why are you back?” She huffs out, keeping her body weight against the door.

“I need to talk to you about... us.” He inhales slowly as he finishes.

She raises her eyebrows and nods, “There is no us, but okay. Continue.” She flicks her wrist.

“I want you to come and live with me.” His voice bursts out of his mouth after a long pause.

She stares at him, assessing the sincerity of his statement. And she bursts out laughing. The laughter that he hears completely breaks him.

He never in his wildest dreams thought a woman could do this to him. Laugh at him. Make him feel stupid. The only one to blame is him.

“Stop it.” She chuckles dryly. “Where? Huh? In a maximum security mental facility? Where the likes of Ted Bundy and the Zodiac killer’s ghosts will haunt me?” She smiles mockingly at him, and he feels like waste. “Huh, Erik?”

“I’ve changed.” His whisper breaks into the noise of the pouring rain and her light laughter. “I’ve really changed.” His bottom lip begins to quiver.

“Oh have you?” She smiles mockingly at him, her nod is one of disbelief.

He nods, sincerely. “I have, I promise you.” He purses his lips and places her shopping bags on the floor of her entryway.

“Your promises mean nothing to me, Erik Stevens.” She hisses, going to close the door but he stops it with his hands this time.

He shakes his head and pushes the door open - as softly as he can. “N’Jadaka.” He sighs, raindrops rolling into his eyes, but he doesn’t remove his hands from the door. “That’s my name. N’Jadaka. And with this name, comes a lot of change. And a new me.” He closes his lips quickly as the rain gets heavier and the raindrops almost fall into his mouth.

She scoffs but doesn’t make a move to shut the door again. “A new you?” She raises her eyebrows and he nods. “That means nothing to me. You caused me pain, you hurt me Erik!” She points at her chest, her irises on fire. “The last time I saw you, you almost hurt me physically!” She yells, her eyes glistening with tears, but the tears don’t fall.

“Y/N,” he barely feels it but he sees his change in perspective suddenly change. One by one, his knees drop to the ground. He doesn’t know if it’s the weight of his guilt and the heartbreak he himself is feeling, or if it’s the notion that the woman he loves won’t take him back - but he’s on his knees. And that’s all he knows.

“I need you.” He doesn’t know which are his tears on his face and which are raindrops, “Baby, I need you so much. I can’t be without you, I’m so, so sorry.” he chokes out. Her eyes widen in raw shock, and he himself cries harder at the fact that he’s just given up his deepest feelings. “I love you.” He sobs.

She bites her lip, willing the tears back. She’s unwilling to succumb to the pity and want in her heart. She can’t. He’s a madman.

“Erik stand up.” She mumbles, her lip quivering. She wipes her wet face and crouches down to his level.

“No, I can’t. Not until, you tell me that you at least forgive me.” His hands are intertwined and his voice is almost inaudible as he shivers under the pouring rain. “I’m so sorry - for all that I did to you.” He buries his head into his chest in shame.

Her own tears fall this time. She sniffles and hugs him. “We need to get out of this rain.” She whispers into his ear.

He lets her pull him inside. She shuts the door and turns back to him, watching as he hiccups in the corner of the small entrance.

“I accept your apology.” She whispers softly, a tear that streams down her face is wiped away quickly by her.

She crawls over to him and takes him into her arms.

He sobs into her chest. “I know you don’t forgive me. But give me some time, and I swear, I’ll be a better man to you.” He sniffles, his hand clutches her bottom of her top in desperation.

“It’s okay,” she strokes his dreads slowly, “It’s okay.”

#black panther #black panther imagine #black panther x reader #black panther fanfiction #Erik Killmonger #erik killmonger fanfic #erik killmonger imagine #Erik killmonger x Reader #Erik killmonger imagine #michael b jordan #michael b jordan imagine #Michael b Jordan fanfiction #Chadwick Boseman #t'challa imagine

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shitthehousessay · 6 years

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Ok. Since you all *insist*... (Also I saw this and was like ok cool I’m bored and didn’t realize till I read through some of them that some were references to a series I have yet to read, so excuse me, I just answered these as myself.)

1. Melody is my full name. I’m not giving my last name for privacy reasons and I don’t tell anyone my middle name, but I’ll tell you the first initial is C.

2. I’m a Taurus.

3. I’m a tiny 5′3″ and 100 lb person with curly shoulder length red hair and bangs, hazel eyes, and I’m honestly really pale.

4. I’m 17.

5. I don’t have any set style. It depends on my mood, the weather, and if I’m going anywhere. But my summer aesthetic has been shorts and crop-tops, rompers, and these big golden sun glasses.

6. I have these lined leggings I love and this olive green off the shoulder romper that’s so cute I’m honestly in love with it.

7. Just my ears so far.

8. I have a ring and I usually wear some sort of pendant but my last one’s chain broke and I have yet to get a new one so.

9. Not yet.

10. Same as number 4.

11. I always smell like oranges. I use orange essential oil as perfume. I have for the past like 2 years and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

12. I always have a notebook I carry everywhere and a favorite pen of the moment, so I guess that’s one (I’m just counting them as a pair). Right now I have a Polaroid I’m obsessed with and I guess the last two are the notebook I have our summer bucketlist and movie bucketlist in and my relationship scrapbook type notebook.

13. Ummmmm... literally no clue ?? I don’t even exactly have a favorite animal so like fersona ???

14. Dude. I’ve got all the psychic bullshit down. Seeing ghosts and telling the future and auras and shit? I got it; Looked into it and I guess that would be Divination primarily.

15. I don’t know if it counts as magic but I am like *sooo* unlucky. I would also suck at any sort of spell casting just cause luck/lack of coordination.

16. Air? I love storms and rain and stuff.

17. Maybe I’m missing a reference here but I have like no clue what this is asking. (Feel free to enlighten me.)

18. Dude. A hedgehog. They’re super cute and I’m thinking about getting an emotional support hedgehog and it’s gonna be a little black one named Shadow so yeah.

19. No comment but if I had the power to do so... Well. There are some people I do not like.

20. Dude. Excedrin is great for migraines.

21. I couldn’t pick one so Death, The Hermit, or The High Priestess.

22. I was in Tennessee actually.

23. My favorite color is blue.

24. My least favorite color is yellow.

25. I’m right-handed.

26. I was a little princess who wanted to wear dresses and shit and had a ton of dolls. Hyperactive as hell- as far as I know- too.

27. Can I skip this one? My dad is mean and controlling and my mom is... immature? I don’t know the word for it. Next question.

28. I have a whole brother, two half brothers, a half sister, an adoptive sister, and 3 adoptive brothers.

29. I mean my aunt and uncle who basically adopted me. I wouldn’t use ‘close’ for anyone else.

30. I’m scared of spiders, deep water, clowns, heights (though I’m mostly over it now), and closed spaces.

31. I am bisexual and demisexual.

32. Nope, no allergies.

33. I have my familial adenomatous polyposis thing I’ve talked about before.

34. Depression and anxiety man.

35. I literally shower everyday, showers are the best.

36. I just like pretty rocks tbh, but I like emeralds (mostly cause they’re my birthstone).

37. I like willows I guess. I’ve always wanted to have one in my yard so I could just sleep under it and just be like hidden by the leaves.

38. Sunny and warm or rainy and stormy. There is no in between and it all depends on my mood.

39. I don’t like the cold just because I am small and have body heat issues.

40. I love summer.

41. I speak English and really broken French.

42. I can sing and I can kinda play piano.

43. Man self-depreciating humor is *everything*.

44. Hot shower and a depression nap. Alternately when I’m staying with my love we cuddle and watch movies.

45. Dude I like what I like, nothing guilty about that.

46. I bite/tug my lip when I’m thinking and spin my ring when I’m nervous. There’s nothing else I can think of really off the top of my head, besides random things I say like double words (”fun fun” or “cool cool”) and so I mean. I also have a thing for pet names/nicknames. All of my close friends have a nickname and I just use pet names generally.

47. Dude I hate people but if you can succeed in making me laugh I’m sure to warm up to you which entails making bad jokes and pocking fun at you but also being there when you need me. It can take a while or like no time at all it all depends on the person and my mood when I meet them.

48. Love, money, knowledge, power, fame.

49. Write, take pictures, cuddle my boyfriend, watch movies.

50. School work, meeting new people, getting up in the morning, and dealing with high school drama.

51. “I’m like a marshmallow that tries to be a cactus and fails repeatedly.” “I’m small but that doesn’t mean I won’t find something to hit you with.” “I’ve never been wrong about anyone.” (Referring to my gaydar.) “I love you, I mean as a sibling. That’s the only time I’ll ever actually say that to you btw.” “I won’t say anything. Then if I’m right I can be like ‘called it bitch!” but if I’m wrong I won’t ever have to live it down.” (About two friends I ship.) “That baby is so cute, I’m actually crying! I just wanna hold that baby, I’m so upset!”

52. Verbal conflict makes me super uncomfortable and as much as I am willing to hit someone, I don’t usually react well to being touched.

53. I suck at (I know, I know) remembering to brush my teeth.

54. Dude. I have bad self-esteem and I hate conflict so I’m bad at talking to people about things and I’m bad about admitting when I’m wrong because I have a crippling fear of people leaving me and that if I make mistakes or have flaws or whatever they’ll leave me. That’s a start.

55. I’m good at reading people/I can talk to (or make friends) with just about anyone.

56. I have good and bad days. Sometimes I think I’m pretty and others I can’t stand how I look, but it’s gotten/is getting better.

57. I won’t lie, I don’t do well with authority figures.

58. I actually don’t remember if I had any role models or who they were.

59. I love (most) kids. Babies love me- like I am The Baby Whisperer- for no real reason and (most) little kids do too.

60. I do want kids of my own some day. We want 3. We actually want twins and we want to adopt one.

61. Nope. Not at all religious.

62. I think as long as you can say you don’t have any regrets at the end of your life- or at least make your peace with them- and you learn to love yourself and hopefully someone else, you’re doing something right.

63. I don’t know. I’d hope it was either meaningful or made someone laugh. If things go how I want, my last words will probably be “I love you.”

64. I want to get married, have kids, and finish a novel before I die.

65. I’d just hope to be remembered fondly by those who knew and loved me.

66. Depends. I send most people memes and things that remind me of them. I occasionally give hugs or lay on people, but physical contact is a weird thing for me so very few people see physical affection as my way of showing I love them and it’s usually when they’re upset/need it. It’s even rarer to hear verbal affection- excluding compliments.

67. I usually don’t eat breakfast but I have become fond of smoothies.

68. I like spicy occasionally.

69. My favorite fruit is pineapple and my favorite veggie (I count it as a veggie, fight me) is avacado.

70. I love sweets.

71. I’ve had it before, but no I don’t drink.

72. I like herbal tea with honey and coffee that doesn’t taste like coffee. (Ex. white chocolate mocha or frappuccino.)

73. I refuse to eat seafood besides sushi (makes no sense, I know) and tomatoes.

74. I like chicken nuggets and grape jelly (also cheIese sticks and jelly) but other than that I can’t think of anything that I eat that makes most people cringe.

75. I need Slim Jims and/or pepperoni and cookies for my plane rides.

76. I don’t know that any foods make me nostalgic, but mozzarella sticks and Chinese food are comfort foods for me.

77. I like to dance and sing and occasionally use hairbrushes as microphones.

78. If anyone stole something important of mine, I’d hunt them down and probably hurt them and get it back.

79. If I won the lottery I’d buy a house and probably a car so I wouldn’t have to get loans.

80. I want to invent a silencer for microwaves so they don’t wake people up- and don’t any of you dare steal that. I want my money.

81. I tend to cling to walls or people I know when in new places or situations.

82. If someone threatens me I will- depending on the situation- I will either get out of there or threaten them back. But more than likely the latter.

83. Ok, look, I’m no saint. If some rich lady dropped her purse I can’t act like I wouldn't be tempted to give it back a wad or two lighter. At the very least I’d be hoping she’d give me a reward for returning it.

84. Ouch. I’ve had some pretty awful things said to me, but I think the worst was when someone told me it was my fault that they sexually assaulted me.

85. Strangest thing I’ve come across in general? I’ve come across some weird shit man. The internet is strange. There was a video where a guy shoved a glass jar up his ass. That was pretty strange.

86. If someone takes my food what I do depends on who it is. I either just glare or I forcibly take it back and/or smack them. (There are also a few people that I don’t care if they take my food, but they are rare.)

87. If some sketchy-ass person meets me a crossroads and tells me I can have everything I want, I’m not trusting that shit. I’m not selling my soul thanks, not today Satan.

88. When I was younger I wanted to be a singer or an actress when I grew up.

89. I’m Chaotic Neutral.

90. What’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done? That’s a long list. Maybe this one time I tried to John Cena (aka running jump) onto a stage. It didn’t end well.

91. I’ve never been arrested but when I “left” my dad’s it was *technically* “running away” so I was kind of in trouble with the law there for a while.

92. Yes I know how to win a fight. I’ve been in a fair few.

93. I can throw a punch so I’m gonna say yes, I’m good at hand-to-hand combat.

94. Yup, I’ve stolen stuff before.

95. No, I’ve never killed anyone.

96. Man I find a fair few of things disgusting. Tomatoes are awful for one.

97. I have a couple triggers, for lack of a better term. I hate conflict, it makes me really uncomfortable. I also hate being touched, that sets me off pretty bad. I don’t know if I have a “worst one” though.

98. I have no clue what anime character I would be, but feel free to tell me what you think.

99. I have no clue what Disney character I would be either. (I don’t think it’s accurate if I pick myself.) Once again let me know what you think.

100. Dude. Same answer as 99.

101. Same as 99. Again.

102. The only song that comes to mind that I think describes me is Hot Mess by Cobra Starships.

Ok. There you monsters. I did it. Are you happy? That took me like 3+ fucking hours to answer and type out.

-Mel (the Slytherin)

#mel #about me #about mel #omg #never again #why would you guys do this to me #asks #also yeah i need to read ask things before i'm like hell yeah #but there #done #long post #tldr #tldr: a bunch of facts about mel

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ocular-intercourse · 3 years

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i'm nervous af i was really hoping those weeks pause from teaching would help but i still got this feeling of time running away and i can't keep up, there's just so much stuff on my mind, i forgot about my psych appointment last month whoops, very proud of me for calling them immediately and making a new one

got an email today with the, uh, job broker kinda, with an it-firm's contacts and if i was interested in doing an internship there and that kicked off a whole avalanche of panic about the stuff that i will have to do soon, applications, job interviews, internships, work, and that i don't feel like i'll be able to do all of this, which is a feeling i had ignored very well these last few months but whenever things seem more tangible i start freaking out again cause i really don't know how all of this is supposed to work, not in the long run, not repeatedly and without end.

putting my cv and stuff together reminded me of the firm that had refused to give me my reference with my new name, i had written them that long email with the threat of legal action and i'm not entirely sure on how to act now that they have not answered. i might just send them another email, offering them the chance to say something, before i will have "my lawyer" contact them. which i really don't want to have to do. my sister in law is a lawyer so maybe she can just set up a letter and scare them into acting, but mostly i really don't want to be thinking about this and possibly having to go to court over this, applying for financial aid and so on..

i also need to get a new photograph taken and i have been putting this off because i hate seeing myself so much (i had to record a video for my grandpa's 90th birthday last week and i legit wanted to die looking at the recording fuck - i don't even think it's about being ugly so much as it is about me not looking the way i usually see myself which is apparently not very close to the truth) i don't want to take a picture, i especially don't want anybody else to take a picture and see me during all this ughghh.

also about the surgery appointments, the clinic has it written on their homepage how planned surgeries are currently not being performed because of covid and i hate hanging in the air, i hope they do at least answer my email with the question if we can schedule the surgery at all, or if they have any idea how to proceed now.

i have a phone call with the job broker on wednesday which is already anxiety 10x, one one side it will be really helpful, especially if she has any concrete info about how working in my field could realistically look like for me, but still, a phone call is a phone call. my work coaches told me they, either alone or together, will get in contact about the project i just handed in so in the back of my mind i keep waiting for them to contact me.

i have therapy on friday and am very curious about what my therapist will say about the adhd questionnaires she had me fill out, and the contents of my primary school report cards. it would be really cool to get closer to that diagnosis, but that also means i'll have to get in contact with the official diagnosis center and that will be a whole thing as well...

so me brain is just constantly choosing one of these things to remind me of and tell me i need to WORRY cause it's gonna be SOON like there is no time to prepare properly

on the plus side i started working out again and i really hope i can keep this going, i have pretty much not done anything for a year (which is tbh quite impressive, that my body has kept together this well) and i kinda really want to start and take advantage of the T kicking in in a way that benefits muscle growth and everything, that will also be best as preparation for the surgeries and all

#personal #overwhelmed hours #don't mind me just writing this down to sort my thoughts

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therainroguefanfiction · 4 years

Text

🌀 Storm Coming (A SKET Dance Fanfic) Chapter 1: Eye of the Storm

📑 Table of Contents

Pairing: First Person x Tsubaki ☁

World: SKET Dance ☁

WARNING: This series explores anxiety, depression, self-harm and thoughts of suicide. Please read at your own risk.

━━━━━━༻ 🌀 ༺━━━━━━

The rain pelted the glass as it fell from the dark sky. Every few minutes, thunder would roar loud enough to shake the windows, making the dog bark his head off as if he had never heard thunder before. Every now and then, the clouds would break, showing off a velvet black sky.

I stared out the window, my chin propped up in the palm of my hand. I’m not sure why, but my anxiety has been going nuts all day. Something felt off, like something bad was going to happen. I honestly didn’t put much weight on that feeling, though, because it felt like that nearly every day of my life. Every day felt terrifying and I could only wonder if that would be the day I finally die.

“Samantha! Come here for a minute!” Mom shouted from down the hall.

With a sigh, I pushed away from the window and headed for her bedroom. She was sitting at her vanity table, removing the makeup from her face. She glanced at me in the mirror before waving with her hand. I set on the side of her bed. Chico, her beloved pit bull, was sprawled out on the bed, ears perked up as she stared at the window. It was like she was daring the thunder to come again. I’m ninety percent sure mom loves that damn dog more than she ever has me.

She spoils the damn thing, but what gets me the most is that she always talks softly and kindly to the dog, but when she talks to me, it’s snippy like she’s annoyed at the thought of just speaking to me.

“I wanted to talk to you,”

“I kinda figured that,” I muttered, absentmindedly playing with the loose string on my jeans.

“Don’t be a smartass,” she glared at me over her shoulder before turning back to the mirror.

My mom was a beautiful woman, with wavy blonde hair that flowed to her shoulders and fierce hazel eyes. She stood at five-feet-four and she was like a bottle of coke than mentos had been shoved into. She couldn’t stand people looking down on her and refused to be walked on. She always had something to say about people and I was honestly surprised she hadn’t been in a serious fight.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and it hasn’t been an easy decision for me to make, but I’ve made up my mind.”

My brow furrowed as my heart started to race in my chest. What is she talking about? A million thoughts entered my mind at once, each worse than the last. “Um, okay?”

“All you do is lay around watching videos and playing video games. You’ve already dropped out of school.” She scoffed, running a cloth over her cheek. “You can’t hold a job, either. I wake up, spend twelve hours at work, come home and feed Chico, get a couple hours of sleep and then go to my second job. You could help out around the house you know.”

I bit my tongue, body tensing. I wanted to say something so bad, but she never listened to what I had to say. It would only cause a pointless argument and god knows we have enough of those.

“You need a serious wake-up call, Samantha.” Mom turned around on the stool to face me. “I’ve decided that you’re going to go live with your father.”

“I… I’m sorry, what?” I could feel my anxiety rising, clawing at my insides like a hungry tiger.

She scowled. “I said, you’re going to go live with your father. He lives in Japan, so you should be happy, right? You like that Aneyem stuff.”

“Why?” I breathed out. My body was starting to shake like I was standing out in the cold, but the house was warm.

She gave you an annoyed look. “What do you want from me, Samantha? You dropped out of school and refuse to go back to get your diploma – ”

“I didn’t refuse, I just – ”

She cut me off, standing up to pull out her nightclothes. “All you do is sit around playing games and watching that weird-ass Aneyem all day – ”

“I do more than just – ”

“You won’t even try to get a job!”

“I did try, they said – ”

“I’m honestly tired of dealing with you, Samantha. I just can’t do it anymore.” She huffed, putting her hands on her hips as she turned to look at you.

“So you’re just going to get rid of me?” I asked, softly, feeling tears pricking my eyes. This had to be a nightmare… right? I’m going to wake up soon, I have to…

“Don’t be dramatic, I’m not getting rid of you. I’m just – ”

“Sending me off to another country to live with a man I didn’t even know existed!” I cried, unable to hold back the tears. “You lied to me!”

“When did I lie?”

“You said you didn’t know who my father was!”

“Did I?” she turned her back to me, a sure sign that she was lying. “I didn’t remember at the time, probably. Either way, he’s your father, not a stranger.”

“How can you be okay with this?” I asked in disbelief, trying to ignore the cold that was creeping up on my chest. I was close to a panic attack, I could feel it creeping at the back of my mind, lurking and waiting to pounce.

“Stop trying to make me out to be the bad guy,” She huffed. “This isn’t nearly as bad as you’re trying to make it out to be.”

I scoffed, starting to feel angry at her words. “If you couldn’t deal with me then you shouldn’t have had me! I never asked to be born! I never asked to have this – this disorder! It’s not fair!”

“Samantha Rain!”

I fled the room, slamming the door behind me as hard as I could. I did the same to my own door, the wall shaking from the force. I barely made it to my bed before I broke down, tears streaming down my face. My chest was tight and it felt like my insides had just been shoved into a freezer. My heart hammered against my chest as if pleading to be set free. I could feel the prickling at the back of my skull – it felt like the grim reaper was leaning over my shoulder, his bony hand on my shoulder as he laughed in my ear.

I felt like I was going to die and I was terrified.

Why is this happening? Am I really such a bad child?

I thought about her words and the responses she refused to let me offer. I regret dropping out of school, but it’s not like she stopped me from doing so. Back then, I didn’t know what anxiety was or how it could affect someone. I thought I just didn’t fit in. A while it’s true that most of my time is spent with video games and anime because that’s what occupies my mind and stops the panic, I do try to help out as best as I can.

The thing is – mom is a perfectionist. No matter what I do, it’s not good enough for her standards. Whenever I do help out around the house, she just goes behind me complaining and redoing it the way she wants it. Eventually, I stopped trying. What’s the point if it’s never enough?

As soon as I turned fourteen, I got a job with my mom working at the local grocery store. I did my best, but the manager hated me because he didn’t think I could do the job properly because I was a girl. He would always pick on me and give me an attitude despite doing the best I could, but… ninety percent of that job I spent in the bathroom trying not to have a panic attack. It wasn’t my fault…

I tried again when I was fifteen, snagging a job at a clothing store. I was originally on the register, but I couldn’t remember how to work it and then I started to panic. I broke down within twenty minutes of my first day on the job. The manager was kind and understanding, and she moved me to the pricing team instead. It was hard, and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom, which I got scolded for, but I forced myself to endure.

The job was seasonal, though, and even though my other manager promised to keep me on, they stopped giving me hours until, finally, I got a letter saying I had been let go. It was around this time that I got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

It was like a puzzle. I had all of these pieces but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get them to fit together, but then by some struck of luck, they all fell into place. Everything made sense – not fitting in, freaking out around people, breaking down, my mind going blank, and most importantly, feeling like I was going to die on a daily basis.

The thought of leaving the sanctity of the home I had lived my whole life scared me. The thought of moving in with a man I’ve never met scared me. I’ve spent seventeen years with my mother and I’m still not completely comfortable talking to her, how the hell am I supposed to survive with this man?

Just like mom, he’s going to take me in and realize how much of a loser I am, then he’s going to throw me away too. Will he send me back to mom? Would she even let me come back? Would this be the straw that broke the camels back and she finally decides to just kick me out? What the hell am I going to do?

I stared at the window through blurry eyes. Normally, the rain made me really happy and calmed me down. It was always so peaceful and I loved sitting outside during the rain, reading whatever book I had on hand at the time. But now… now it seemed like a death sentence.

Why do I have to be this way? Why do I have to be such a burden, such a useless child? Why couldn’t I just be normal…

I cried myself to sleep that night, dreaming of being lost and unable to find my mom.

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Over the next week, I had done my best to try and get mom to reconsider her choice, but she wouldn’t budge. I tried bargaining, promising to stop playing so many games and to try harder around the house. I even promised to try and find another job, but her mind was made up and it wouldn’t be changed.

I sat in the airport, my leg bouncing rapidly. I held open a manga, but I found myself re-reading the same page a dozen times and still not knowing what was written. I couldn’t focus. Everything I heard someone speak or felt someone moving near, my heart would jump. Finally, I closed the book, letting my thumb slide across the fore-edge of the book repeatedly.

Fwhp. Fwhp. Fwhp.

Mom’s hand shot out, grabbing mine. “Will you cut that out?” she hissed, rubbing her temple with her free hand. As if that would get rid of her hangover. Maybe she shouldn’t have stayed out so late with her friends knowing I had to be at the airport at eight the next morning.

I wondered if it was karma for sending me away.

I didn’t have the energy to scowl at her because I had been a nervous wreck all night, unable to sleep. I had multiple small panic attacks throughout the night, but I could only ignore them and wish them away. As the night had ticked by, I grew more and more tired, and the more tired I grew the worse my anxiety became but there was nothing I could do. I just had to lay there and take it.

Just like I have to sit here and let my mom send me away to a different country. I was completely helpless.

“Flight 340 to Tokyo, Japan is now boarding. Please proceed to gate G,”

“Finally,” mom muttered under her breath, standing up and motioning for me to do the same. “Let’s go, Samantha.”

“That’s not my name,” I muttered under my breath, but she either didn’t hear me or was too eager to get me on the plane to care. She probably just wanted to get home so she could sleep off the hangover. I hated being called Samantha and she knew it, but she refused to call me Sam or, hell, even my middle name would be fine.

I followed behind her, clutching the strap of my bag like my life depended on it. I kept my gaze on the floor, not wanting to see the hundreds of people shuffling back and forth trying to get to their flights. With every step, it felt like I was getting closer to my end. I pictured a pirate being shuffled towards a guillotine.

“Here we are,” Mom stopped near the gate, digging into her purse. “Here’s your passport and your ticket. Here’s my cell phone number, I know you don’t remember it. Did you bring your ID?”

I nodded, staring down at the ground. There was a dark stain near my foot, a mud-brown against the tan carpet. Was it soda? It made me think of Coke.

“Look at me, Samantha.”

I refused.

She sighed heavily before pulling me into a tight hug. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t try to pull away, my arms hanging limply at my sides. “Call me when you land, okay? This is a second chance for you, Samantha. Don’t waste it.”

Those words pissed me off and I forced myself away from her, stepping up to the back of the line. I could feel her gaze on me, but she didn’t come after me. I felt tears clouding my vision – tears of anger, tears of pain, tears of betrayal. The only thing keeping me going was the mental image of me breaking down and being stared at by all these people.

I quickly rubbed at my eyes, focusing on the person standing in front of me to try and distract my mind. She was an older woman, maybe around sixty or seventy, and she was a head shorter than me. She wore a tan and salmon dress, a white shawl draped over her shoulders. Her salt and pepper permed hair stuck out from underneath a salmon-colored boater hat. She was humming something softly and I found myself leaning closer, the sound calming my erratic nerves.

The flight attendant smiled at me, but I couldn’t tell if she was actually happy to be there or if she was faking it. “May I see your ticket, passport, and ID, please?”

I shakily handed them over. God, I probably look as nervous as I feel. What if they think I’m acting suspicious and detain me? What if they think I’m a terrorist or something?

But the woman didn’t seem to notice my anxiety as she handed them back with a smile. “Enjoy your flight, Miss!”

Not in a million years, I scoffed. This was my first time being on a plane and I didn’t know what to expect. As I walked down the long tunnel to the plane, it felt as if it stretched on forever. Would it end up being like in anime, when you can see the light at the end but no matter how far you run you just never reach it? My heart pulsed in my ears and my legs were starting to feel like jelly.

What if my legs give out and I fall, gaining everyone’s attention? The thought made me want to barf.

There was another flight attendant just inside the door. She also smiled. “May I see your ticket so I can direct you to your seat?”

I shakily handed her the ticket.

“Let’s see. Your seat is F20, that’s the second row after first class.” She handed the ticket back but I fumbled and dropped it.

“S-Sorry,” I quickly bent down to retrieve it before rushing down the aisles to my seat, repeating the same mantra in my head over and over – Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic.

My seat was the one by the window. The middle seat was empty, while the aisle seat held the older woman that had been standing in front of me in line.

As I tried to string together words, she stood up, stepping aside so I could get to my seat. She smiled warmly at me and I cursed myself for seeming rude. I quickly shoved my backpack in the cubby above the seats before sliding into the row and sitting down, folding my arms tightly.

She sat back down. “Is this your first flight, dear?”

I opened my mouth to respond, but the words refused to come. I made a strangled noise. Jesus, Sam, she’s going to think you’re a bitch. I closed my eyes tightly. “Y-Yeah,” my voice was low and I wondered if she heard me.

“Ah, I remember my first flight.” She looked up as if the memory was playing on the roof of the plane. “I was a bit younger than you, but I was also flying alone. It was quite a terrifying experience.” She glanced at me with a warm smile. “When the plane took off, I started to cry! The flight attendant tried to shush me, said I was disturbing the other passengers, but that just made me cry harder.”

I nodded my head to let her know I was listening, and I forced myself to glance at her every few words. Is it normal to lock eyes with someone when you talk to them? Is that considered rude or creepy? I had never been able to meet someone’s eye for more than a few seconds. Then again, I’m quite defective, aren’t I?

“There was this older man a few rows back. I imagine he was around my age now. He completely ignored the signs ordering the passengers to keep their seatbelts on and he came, taking the seat beside me. I only made it through the flight because of him. If I hadn’t calmed down, they were going to land the flight at the next available airport.”

I see. So she’s trying to pay forward his kindness by trying to make me feel more comfortable? I found myself smiling. “Um, may I – may I ask your name?”

“Of course you may,” she smiled, leaning forward so she could extend her hand toward me. “My name is Agatha Fletcher. And yours, dear?”

I took her thin hand in my own and I found myself scared to grip too hard. Her hand looked frail and the thought of hurting her was not something I wanted to do, but her grip on my own hand was firm. “Sam… my name is Sam.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sam.”

━━━━━━༻ 🌀 ༺━━━━━━

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buckyandsteeb · 7 years

Text

Real and Not Real

Summary: After the engagement is broke off, Blaine feels worthless and completely alone. He attempts suicide. This is the story of the healing of a relationship and fighting depression. Warning: Suicide Attempt, Hospitalization, OCD!Kurt, Depressed!Blaine, Anxiety

FF / Ao3

THIS FIC STARTS WITH A SUICIDE SCENE. DO NOT READ IF THAT IS A TRIGGER.

I am happy to tag triggers, so if I haven't tagged it feel free to tell me so that I can.

I'll admit as someone who is bipolar, A lot of Blaine's thoughts are also some I have.

This fic was beta'd by @justasmallbloginabigklainefandom

Prompt: After the engagement is broke off. Blaine lost his father for proposing to Kurt in the first place. His mom has to work twice as much as she used to in order to keep the house. Blaine feels worthless and alone and attempts suicide. Kurt finds him in the bathroom and sings "Your Eyes" to him from Rent. It's up to you if Blaine survives or not

Life had been hard on Blaine since the day Kurt Hummel shattered his heart into tiny little irreparable pieces. He’d been promised forever with him, but apparently Kurt hadn’t felt it worth it to be with Blaine. He didn’t blame him, Blaine knew he wasn’t worth it. He just hadn’t expected Kurt to realize it as well.

It had been a few months since that fateful night, and Blaine really had nothing to show for it. He’d been kicked out of NYADA when his grade slipped, meaning he could no longer stay in the dorms. He’d left New York within days of learning that news. New York had nothing left for him now that his short career as a Musical Theatre Major was gone, and he no longer had a fiance

He was back in Lima now. Nothing here seemed appealing here either. He’d almost gone to Dalton to see about a job, but he’d realised on the way that stepping foot in Dalton would be much too painful. Instead he went to Scandals with his fake ID and got drunk in the middle of the afternoon.

He’d mostly stuck to home after that. He vaguely remembered someone trying to take advantage of him and even if he kind of hated himself, he couldn’t bring himself to let anyone touch him. His heart, mind and body belonged with Kurt, whether he liked it or not.

Kurt. He heard that he was back in town. God knows what for. He hoped it wasn’t his dad. Kurt had enough bad things happened to him in his life, he didn’t need his dad sick again.

It didn’t matter. Whatever was happening wasn’t Blaine’s business anymore.

Soon Blaine’s business would be over anyway.

He was just a sore on everyone else’s life. His mom having to work two jobs just to keep up their lifestyle. Cooper probably ashamed of him for coming back home instead of making it on his own. His father, he’d left his mother when Blaine had stupidly proposed to Kurt. And what good was that? He’d torn apart his family and he didn’t even have a husband to show for it. And Kurt… just existing was a sore on Kurt’s life. He was always so annoying for Kurt.

He’d end it now before he could mess anything else up.

Everything was ready. A bath drawn. A straight razor sitting on the side, ready to be used. A bulky suicide note sitting on the sink.

It had taken awhile to figure out who to even address it to. Then he’d realized all the mistakes he need to apologize for. He’d written over ten pages before he forced himself to stop. He didn’t need to remind people of every mistake he’d made for them to know he was sorry for it. Sorry for being such a stain on their lives.

Blaine stripped out of his outer clothes, leaving a few articles on. He didn’t want to disturb whoever found him with his fat thighs and bulging stomach. He headed over to the tub, but stopped when a sudden urge hit him.

He turned around, picking up his phone and dialed Kurt’s number wanting to leave a voicemail to say goodbye. Instead he froze in shock as it was picked up after only two rings.

“Blaine!” Kurt answered happily. “I thought I was going to have to end up talking to you through Rachel.” Kurt voice changed to confusion when Blaine didn’t respond. “Blaine? Are you there?”

Blaine hung up the phone, dropping it back onto the sink where it started ringing repeatedly. Blaine backed away from it, his breathing starting to get shallow as he waited for it stop. It kept ringing, until finally a pause, and then the tone signalled he had a voicemail.

Blaine looked from the bath to his phone, conflicted. After a minute or so of thought, he decided to listen to the message, hearing Kurt’s voice for the last time wouldn’t hurt.

He called his voicemail.

“Blaine, I know you’re probably still mad at me. I’m sorry. I really am.”

Another message.

“Blaine, if you didn’t want to talk to me, why did you even call?”

And another surprisingly.

“I’m a little concerned. If you didn’t want to talk to me, you’d just reject the call. But I don’t think you’re doing that.”

The phone started ringing again against Blaine’s ear and he dropped it in shock. The phone answered itself on speaker as it fell against the sink.

“Blaine?” Kurt’s voice rang out in concern.

Blaine sniffled as he finally realized he was sobbing.

“Is that you, honey?”

Blaine backed up putting his hands over his mouth. He let out a loud noise of shock when he backed up too far, falling backwards into the bath tub. Water splashed all over the bathroom floor as his head collided with the wall. He let out a noise of pain as blood started streaming down his face. His vision went black.

“Blaine?!”

“Your eyes

As we said our goodbyes

Can't get them out of my mind

And I find I can't hide from

Your eyes”

Blaine slowly came back to consciousness to the noise of an angel singing. Was he finally dead?

“The ones that took me by surprise

The night you came into my life

Where there's moonlight

I see your eyes

How'd I let you slip away

When I'm longing so to hold you

Now I'd die for one more day”

Blaine’s heart went out to the sad angel sobbing as he sang. He seemed so heartbroken, Blaine just wanted to fix all his problems so the angel never had a reason to be sad again.

“'Cause there's something I should've have told you Yes, there's something I should've have told you When I looked into your eyes Why does distance make us wise? You were the song all along And before the song dies I should tell you, I should tell you

I have always loved you

You can see it in my eyes”

Blaine suddenly became aware of something clutching his body tightly. He groaned wiggling and heard the angel gasp.

“Blaine? Oh god, Blaine come on. Please wake up. Please honey, I’m so sorry baby. Come on sweetheart, come back to me.” He felt the angel gently stroke his cheek as it begged. It sounded like Kurt’s voice, but that couldn’t be right. Kurt hated him.

Blaine blinked, opened his eyes, and spit out a bunch of water that must have gotten into his lungs when he fell into the bathtub.

“Oh honey.” The angel exclaimed in happy disbelief, hugging him closer. “God Blaine, I was so scared!”

Blaine finally opened his eyes, wincing at the bright light. “Am I dead yet?”

His body was suddenly shoved away, Blaine caught himself quickly. “No!” The person he still hadn’t identified told him angrily “What the hell, Blaine! Why would you try to- to.”

Blaine blinked again until he could finally make out the person. Kurt. It was Kurt, his eyes puffy with the tears that were flowing non stop as he paced back and forth.

“What are you doing here?” He asked dumbly

“What am I- What. Blaine! You tried to kill yourself!” Kurt’s arms flailed wildly, Blaine noticed he was holding his goodbye note in his hand.

Blaine threw his head back miserably. “Yeah, apparently I can’t even do that right.”

“Why?” Kurt asked desperately

“Stupidity mostly, I guess. I mean who trips over a bathtub?”

“I thought you- you were.” Kurt cut off, putting his head in his hands as another round of sobs hit.

“I’m fine.” Blaine rolled his eyes

“You are far from fine, Blaine Devon Anderson!” Kurt accused “I- you were unconscious in an overflowing bathtub!”

“Well sorry I’m so useless! I can’t even kill myself properly!” Blaine clenched his hands, annoyed.

Kurt cried harder. “You need to get some help, Blaine.”

“Go away. I don't know what you're doing here in Ohio. But I don't need your pity.” Blaine told him meanly. “We both know you hate me. Let me just finish what I was doing and you can go back to whatever amazing life you have that you don't want me in!”

“Honey, I don't hate you” Kurt stopped his pacing and pulled Blaine close to him. “I could never hate you. I love you so much, Blaine.”

“Well you certainly have an odd way of showing it.” Blaine said sarcastically, not believing a word Kurt said. He pushed Kurt's hands away and crossed his arms over his stomach protectively.

“I- I know.” Kurt admitted shame showing all over his face. “I’m seeing a therapist about it.”

“Oh and now you think you’re an expert?” Blaine rudely responded. “In case you haven’t noticed the world will be a better place without me in it.”

“That is a lie and we both know it, Blaine Devon Anderson.” Kurt said annoyed. No one was allowed to talk about Blaine like that, even Blaine.

“Oh really? Because I can’t think of a single reason I benefit. I’m just a fat annoying college dropout with no job who lives with his mother. And eventually everyone sees that.” Blaine accused

“Is that really how you see yourself” Kurt asked, wiping away a tear from his eye. “Because the way I see it is you're incredibly attractive, the most interesting man in the country, full of so much love, you think kindly to even the most annoying assholes. You’re on track for being the biggest star on Broadway. You’re the cutest man I’ve ever seen and you still give me butterflies when you say my name. You’re intelligent, kind. God Blaine, I could go on for hours. You benefit the world by just breathing.”

Blaine rolled his eyes “Stop lying. I know you're just saying it try to stop me. You’ll deny saying it later.”

“Oh honey,” Kurt sighed sadly to himself.

Blaine heard sirens in the distance.

“What’s that?” Blaine accused

“Blaine, you’re still bleeding out of your head and when I got here you were barely floating above the water.” Kurt explained hopelessly, watching Blaine carefully for any sudden movement.

“Why can’t you just go away and let me die in peace?” Blaine muttered. “I’ve done enough to you. You don’t need to see me die.”

Kurt was about to respond, but a group of first responders rushed in. They took one look at Blaine and started their work.

Kurt stepped out of the way, worry all over his face. But when he heard Blaine try to refuse help he spoke up.

“He was- He tried to kill himself.” Kurt supplied, his tears turning into sobs once again now that someone was there for Blaine that could help him.

They didn’t take long to strap Blaine down on the stretcher and take him away.

“Now who are you in relation to Blaine?” one of the responders asked.

“I um-” Kurt struggled. What was he in relation to Blaine? An old friend? A stranger? A friend of the family? Would Blaine be mad if he claimed he was his fiance still? That was what Kurt moved back to Lima for. He wanted nothing more to be in Blaine’s life and one day married to him. “I- I’m not completely sure.” Kurt finally admitted. “We were fiancés, but-”

“Say no more. I can release information to his fiancé.” the responder winked. “He’s going to Lima General’s emergency room.”

Kurt nodded as the responder left the room. He wiped the tears away and walked back into Blaine’s room. He hadn’t noticed before, but this was not what he remembered. There was an absence of pictures, Blaine’s camera collection packed up. The curtains securely closed.

His clothes barely hung up. An unmade bed. His instruments were pushed into the closet like he was just trying to get them out of his sight.

He’d never seen Blaine treat his things so carelessly. It was like he was trying to shut out anything that use to make him happy.

Kurt took a breath deciding to clean up some of the the mess to give the hospital more time to figure out if Blaine’s head injury was anything to be concerned about. He was more concerned with Blaine’s mental status. But he couldn’t believe that Blaine would let him be in the room to find that out.

He hadn’t actually believed Blaine about never forgiving him until this moment. And it terrified him. What was he going to do if Blaine never did? He decided to use his semester of work-study to come home specifically for Blaine.

And Blaine tried to kill himself.

He could have lost the chance.

Kurt berating himself. “What is wrong with me? Blaine is in the hospital and here I am wondering if I’ll get him back. And I’m cleaning, instead of being with him.”

Kurt looked around and decided it was clean enough. He hurried out to his car, wanting to get to Blaine. He promised himself that he would stop thinking about himself and devote as much energy possible to help Blaine.

He pulled away from the Andersons’ home and dialed Cooper with his hands free phone app.

It took about 5 rings before Cooper answered

“What do you want?” Cooper asked coldly

“Blaine’s in the hospital. He tried to” Kurt trailed off. Once he said it to someone it would be real and he wasn't sure he was ready for that.

“Tried to do what?” Cooper asked distracted. “Did you guys have kinky make up sex or something?”

Kurt ignored him “He tried to- to kill himself, Cooper. I found him with a head injury floating in the bath.” Kurt wiped away a tear as another round of sobs hit.

“Does Mom know?” Cooper sounded far more into the conversation. “Is he okay?”

“You’re the first person I’ve called. And I don’t know.” Kurt took a deep breath. “He kept telling me to go away so he could do it.”

“I’ll be on the next flight.” Cooper promised. “I’ll call mom. You just get to the hospital and keep us up to date.” Cooper’s voice turned cold. “Unless you think you’re too good for that too.”

“I’m heading there right now.” Kurt told him as he turned onto the street where the hospital was located. “And I’m really sorry. But I still love your brother with all my heart.”

He could practically hear Cooper roll his eyes.

They said their goodbyes as Kurt pulled into the hospital parking lot. Kurt shuddered thinking of all the times he had to be in this parking lot over the years.

Still he made his way inside the emergency room, impatiently waiting to hear an update on Blaine,.

As he waited he ran through the calming techniques his therapist told him about.

After about ten minutes, a nurse came out to get him. She explained Blaine’s condition while they made their way to the room.

“We’ve put him in bare room with a guard outside the door. All for his own safety of course.” She paused letting Kurt process. “His head injury is thankfully just a mild case of bleeding. Nothing gauze couldn’t handle.”

They reached Blaine’s room and Kurt nervously walked in.

Blaine sighed in frustration.

“What are you doing here?” He seemed very drowsy

“We gave him a sedative. He was having a bit of an anxiety in the ambulance.” The nurse supplied as she left.

“I came because my bestfriend is in the hospital and I don’t want him to be all alone.” Kurt cautiously responded

“Who?” Blaine asked cluelessly

“You, of course honey.” Kurt sighed in relief. Blaine was his cute drowsy self like when he was hopped up on pain meds after he got hit by that rock slushie.

“No. You don’t love me anymore,” Blaine frowned unhappily. “No one loves me.”

“That’s not true. Cooper is on his way right now.” Kurt reassured. “And I will always love you, Blaine. I just made a huge mistake.”

“I made a mistake too.” Blaine frowned. “I’m such a despicable person. I kissed stupid Facebook guy. And destroyed everything.”

“I already forgave you for that years ago, Blaine.”

“I’m still awful. I was late for our date.” Blaine let out a frustrated groan.

“No honey, that was my mistake. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Kurt pushed the hair out of Blaine’s eyes sweetly

“My mom has two jobs you know? I don’t even have one!” Blaine started crying “I can’t even play music anymore!”

“Oh Blaine.” Kurt grabbed Blaine’s hand in sympathy. “I’m sure you’ll find a way to play again.”

Their conversation continued for a while, Kurt always reassuring Blaine that he was a good person.

They were so caught up in talking they didn’t hear another set of paramedics show up. They moved to help Blaine out of the bed and onto the stretcher.

“Wait, where are you taking him.” Kurt stood up a well.

One looked down at his paperwork. “They found a bed open at St. Rita’s”

“A bed?” he asked confused

“Yeah, Mr. Anderson here is on a minimum 72 hour hold. He’s got to go to a psychiatric facility.”

“But his brother is coming from California right now,” Kurt started to panic.

“There’s visiting hours there.” He handed Kurt a card that had the number for the facility. “Just call them and ask when they are.”

Kurt nodded panic receding, then moved to hug Blaine tightly. “I love you so much. And I’ll come for visiting hours as long as you want me there. Okay?”

Blaine hugged him harder to his chest, a few of his tears leaving a mark on Kurt’s shirt.

“It’s okay, they’re going to help you.” Kurt reassured.

Kurt went home once he saw the ambulance off and watched it leave.

He felt helpless.

Blaine was in pain and all Kurt could do is go visit him. But there was a very good chance that Blaine was not going to let him visit.

Once he told his dad, he decided he wanted to visit Blaine as well.

He wallowed in the realization that Blaine might let his dad visit, but not him.

He went to bed early that night. For hours he battled nightmares restlessly. Dreams like running to Blaine but never reaching him. Ignoring Blaine’s phone call and finding out Blaine had succeed in his plan to die.

He woke up repeatedly sobbing. Every time he fell back to sleep he was treated to another nightmare about not being able to help Blaine. He felt so powerless.

Bright and early the next morning his phone rang.

He looked down at the phone, an unknown caller. He decided that it wouldn’t hurt to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi” Blaine almost whispered over the phone

“Blaine!” Kurt tried to fit all his love into just Blaine’s name.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with my breakdown.” Blaine apologized

“I wanted too.” Kurt smiled absently

“You won’t have to deal with me anymore, I promise.” Blaine claimed, his misery apparent even over the phone. “And sorry for calling. I just needed to hear your voice, even if I am still mad at you.”

“Blaine. I want to be here for you..” Kurt stressed “I’m doing work study this semester because I had to come back and see my best friend. And I plan to woo you as much as you need to gain your love back.”

Blaine was silent for a minute “I don’t think you’d want this version of me.”

“I think I would love any version of you, as long as you let me in.”

“They put me on antidepressants.” Blaine admitted ashamed

“Me too.” Kurt sympathized “It seems that not only do I have intimacy issues, but ocd as well.”

“You don’t have intimacy issues. You seemed pretty damn eager last time we-”

Kurt cut him off “Not that type. According to my therapist, I have issues sharing space that was originally just mine.”

“You don’t need a therapist to tell you that, Kurt.” This time Kurt knew Blaine was smiling.

“Haha,” Kurt grinned at Blaine’s teasing.

“This place is terrible,” Blaine admitted suddenly. “They made me remove most of my clothes and then they went through and asked about every scar on my body”

“That must have been really uncomfortable.” Kurt sympathized

“No, wait. I’m almost done.” Blaine said irritated clearly talking to someone where he was. Blaine’s voice became clearer as he put the phone back up to his ear. “I have to go, we share the phones.”

“Oh Okay. I love you.” Kurt was a little disappointed.

“Do you really?” Blaine asked unsure “Because something in my head keeps telling me you’re just saying so because of what happened.”

“I love you with all my heart, Blaine Devon Anderson.” Kurt wanted to reach through the phone and hug Blaine to his chest.

“Ok. I’ll try to remember that.” Blaine still seemed unsure

“Do you mind if I come tonight for visiting hours?” Kurt nervously asked

“Please come. My mom can’t get off of work and I don’t want to spend the entire time with Coop talking about himself.”

“I’ll see you at 6.”

“See you at 6”

“I love you.”

“You too,” Blaine mumbled into the phone after a few seconds.

The line clicked off and Kurt sighed. This was tough. He was just so worried about Blaine.

He decided to call around to their friends. Maybe it would be easier if he knew what lead to it all.

Unfortunately not even Sam had any information. He hadn’t even heard of their break up.

Blaine had obviously came home and isolated himself the entire time.

Kurt had to be sure, so he called all the Warblers he had the phone numbers of. Maybe some of Blaine’s ex friends had heard from him. He even called that asshole meerkat, Sebastian.

It was for naught. None of them had any new information. Although he did have to threaten Sebastian about what he would do if he dared to try to manipulate Blaine. Not that he told any of Blaine’s friends where he was. Blaine would want discretion.

Kurt spent hours trying to find the best outfit to wear for Blaine. It had to be hot enough to distract Blaine from remembering he was stuck in the hospital, but simple enough that he could wear it to the hospital. And preferably soft to encourage any desire for cuddling. He doubted that Blaine would want to, but he’d wear it just in case.

A large amount of his clothes would not pass the test. Drawstrings, zippers, his go to shoestring pants, anything spiked.

In the end he settled for a simple pair of light colored skinny jean and a v-neck He thought it might help Blaine feel better about whatever they had him wearing right now. And his light colored clothing helped with his dad. He hoped it would for Blaine as well.

He planned to stop by Blaine’s house on the way to pick up some clothes for him. Cooper couldn’t be trusted in this case. He’d probably end up bringing some of Blaine’s bowties and forget pants.

As much as Kurt knew Blaine loved his bowties, he was told by the hospital that they could be used as a weapon. It made him nauseous just thinking of the list of banned items. He never thought anyone could be that desperate to use a paperclip to hurt themselves.

Kurt sat in his room until he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to be near Blaine again.

He pulled out of the driveway after promising not to be home too late and request from his Dad to tell Blaine he hoped he’d feel better soon.

On the way to Blaine’s, he called his therapist to have a quick mini session. They talked about all that had happened and how he was dealing with it.

Thankfully she seemed to agree with most of what he was currently doing. But she warned that even if he did get Blaine back, it wouldn’t be the end. There were underlying issues that needed solved.

He felt relieved that he wasn’t screwing up. But he had a nagging feeling that he needed to be more for Blaine. He was terrified that maybe he wouldn’t be able to do it. And then he’d never fully have the love of his life back.

He arrived at Blaine’s, just as Cooper walked out. As predicted Cooper was drastically unprepared.

“Back in the house,” Kurt commanded

“You lost the right to boss me around with what you did to Blaine,” Cooper told him as he continued to Blaine’s car, which he was borrowing while in town.

“Just go back in the house. They aren’t going to let you in dressed like that.” Kurt saw at least 3 infractions from where he was.

“What’s wrong with my clothes?” Cooper asked petulantly

Kurt rolled his eyes and lead Cooper back inside.

They went through Cooper’s luggage in record time,and he pulled out a shirt and pants that Cooper could wear.

Kurt took the bag Cooper held and sighed when he saw that Cooper had forgotten actual shirts. He’d only grabbed the vests.

He headed to Blaine’s room. The room felt depressing now that he knew a little more about why it looked the way it did.

Wasting no time, he grabbed the essentials that Blaine needed.

On a whim he went over to where Blaine stored his scrapbooks. His heart stopped.

The books from the past 4 years were in an awful condition. They looked like Blaine tore out a bunch of water stained pages and then thought better of it and shoved them back in. There were pictures and memories sticking out of the sides, bent now from probably being forcefully shoved into their place.

Tears began flowing down his cheek again. If only Blaine had had someone. If only he wasn’t such an idiot, this wouldn’t have happened. Blaine would still be in Bushwick with him and he would of felt loved.

Kurt tried to ignore the voice that rightfully claimed that wouldn’t be true. Blaine wouldn’t be there, because Kurt would have done something else stupid since he never would have tried therapy.

He tried to put the scrapbooks out of his mind as he headed toward the hospital.

When he got to the hospital, he noticed Cooper had arrived before him. As much as it bothered him to miss time with Blaine, he decided to wait a little before going in himself.

Blaine rarely had time with his big brother, and he knew he craved the attention from Cooper.

He’d give them twenty minutes

Kurt went through the security process and dropped off what he brought Blaine with a nurse, who claimed she needed to check it for anything Blaine couldn’t have.

He was about to step into the visiting room when he heard Blaine talking.

“I’m not going to tell him to leave, Coop,” Blaine sighed in frustration. “Against all odds, he still loves me, I think.”

“What happened to him being a fussy uppity ass?” Cooper asked disappointed, “I thought you vowed to be rid of Kurt?”

“I never said that. You did.” Blaine told him in disbelief, “Not to mention I would never call Kurt that. Even when I was struggling in the dorms, I loved him. I still do.”

“So what squirt, you're going to just forgive him and run off into the sunset together?” Cooper asked in disbelief. “I actually have an audition for a scene like that in a couple of weeks.”

“I’m not just going to forgive him.” Blaine reassured. “He still hurt me a lot. I felt like Sadie Hawkins all over again. Only I didn’t have any physical injuries.”

“See that’s why I don’t understand. He hurt you and yet you still want to be with him?”

“He’s my soulmate Cooper.” Blaine gave him an unimpressed look. “And hurting each other happens in relationships, even platonic ones. Just because you run every time you argue with anyone, doesn’t mean I do. Besides, he saved me, even when I didn’t want to be.”

“He’s still incredibly bossy. He forced me to go change clothes earlier.” Cooper informed him still a little annoyed about it. “I’m going to have to go home and change for my date tonight.”

“You probably looked like an idiot.” Blaine smiled slightly.

Kurt took that as his cue to come into the room, acting like he’d just gotten there.

“Hey Blaine.” Kurt gave him a small smile. He turned to Cooper. “Cooper, You’re looking a less ridiculous than normal. I wonder why.”

Blaine laughed against his hand and Kurt called that a victory.

Kurt took a seat next to Blaine on the couch they were sitting on.

“Don’t let me stop you. You two seemed to be deep in concentration.” Kurt added, giving Cooper a glare over Blaine’s head, making it clear that he’d heard their conversation.

“It was nothing. Just small talk.” Blaine replied, not picking up on the tension between Cooper and Kurt. Both wanting good for Blaine, but disagreeing with what it was.

“Well in that case.” Kurt smiled at Blaine’s redirect. “My Dad say he hopes you feel a little better soon.”

“I didn’t realize he cared.” Blaine admitted

“Of course he does, Blaine.” Kurt reassured touching Blaine’s arm. “And when you do feel better, he, well both of us, invite you to Friday Night Dinner.”

“Really?” A true smile appeared on Blaine’s face.

“Really.” Kurt smiled in return, feeling relieved that Blaine could smile. “And if it would make it easier we could invite Rachel too, so the focus isn’t on you.”

“Is it mean to say her show was a little…” Blaine trailed off.

“Awful? Insulting? Weird? ” Kurt supplied.

“I was going to say bad and a little uncomfortable, but that works too.”

“Hey, wait your friend had a show and you didn’t even tell me?” Cooper asked, insulted.

“It wasn’t very good Cooper, it didn’t even get past the pilot.” Blaine assured.

“That doesn’t matter, I could’ve saved the show with my brilliance!” Cooper guaranteed .

“I’m sure.” Blaine sighed, exasperated by Cooper.

“Hey Cooper, don’t you have that thing to do?” Kurt asked in displeasure. They were suppose to be cheering up Blaine, not irritating him

Cooper looked at his watch. “Oh, you’re right, I have a date with this girl I met from Lima Heights. And you know how they are.” He winked. “Well, maybe you don’t.”

Kurt looked at Cooper with a bit of disgust. He didn’t actually think Cooper would schedule something when he should be with his little brother.

“You don’t mind, Blaine do you?.” Cooper really didn’t ask. He was gone before Blaine could really respond.

Kurt glared after him.

“Sometimes he’s a little single minded.” Blaine explained. Like he needed to explain his brothers action.

“He’s an idiot, Blaine.” Kurt sighed as he took Blaine’s hand and squeezed it.

“I know.” Blaine whispered sadly.

Kurt pulled him into a hug. “So I was thinking about what you were saying about having trouble believing things.”

Blaine nodded curiously, not knowing where Kurt was going with it.

“Remember when we watched that Hunger Games movie? Mockingjay.”

“I remember.” Blaine assured. “I still think the book was better.”

“Well, even better.” Kurt grinned at Blaine’s thoughts about the book. “Do you remember when Peter got brainwashed?”

“Peeta, but go on.”

“Right, but do you remember what Katniss did to help him? Real or Not Real?” Kurt explained

“Oh.” Blaine’s smile grew understanding exactly what Kurt meant. “That’s actually a good idea.”

Blaine went silent for a moment. He took a deep breath. “You’re just pretending to love me so I don’t kill myself?”

“Not Real.” Kurt consoled. “Never in any universe or time.”

“You’re visiting me because you feel guilty about everything?”

“Not Real. I feel very guilty for hurting you. But that’s not the reason.” Kurt explained soothingly. “I need to make sure you’re okay. I spent all night have nightmares that I’d gotten there too late. It felt like I-” Kurt took a deep breath. “Like a part of me died with you.” Kurt stubbornly wiped away the tears that started falling. “You’re my better half, Blaine.”

Blaine smiled sadly at Kurt’s admission. Try as he might he was starting to realize he couldn’t stay angry at him. And if he ignored the awful thoughts that were still telling him that no one actually loved him and how useless his existence was, he could tell that Kurt was completely genuine with his words and actions.

Blaine pulled Kurt in for a hug, still not quite ready to resume their relationship.

“Did they tell you I have depression again?” Blaine asked against Kurt’s neck

“It’s okay, Blaine. We’ll manage the symptoms together.” Kurt promised a he ran his fingers through Blaine’s loose curls. “Wait, again?”

“I was diagnosed right after Sadie Hawkins. My mom insisted I needed to talk to someone.” Blaine explained bitterness dripping off every word. “My father discontinued it after a few months though. He claimed that the therapist was supporting my ‘gay phase’.”

“Blaine, I don’t think depression just goes away because you stopped treating it.” Kurt sighed wearily as he added another reason to hate Blaine’s father.

“That’s what the Doctor said too.” Blaine murmured as he relaxed his head on Kurt’s shoulder. “Your sweater is really soft. One of my favorites”

“I know.” Kurt grinned at Blaine’s assessment of his sweater. A rush of satisfaction ran through his body that Blaine liked it. “So you saw a Doctor?”

“Just a quick visit to make sure there was nothing physically wrong.” Blaine explained “I saw a psychologist too. He put me some medicine.” Blaine’s smile fell.

“There’s nothing wrong with needing medicine, Blaine.” Kurt confided. “I have to take a few pills everyday too.”

Blaine nodded in relief that there was no judgement from Kurt.

“Sam and Tina hate me?” Blaine asked suddenly

“Not Real. Sam didn’t even know you were in Lima, Blaine.” Kurt reasoned “And Tina’s off at Brown. She’s really busy. That has nothing to do with you. She wouldn’t be avoiding you.”

“Cooper said he loved me.” Blaine admitted unsure

“Real. He flew across the country practically right after I got off the phone with him to get to you.” Kurt took one of Blaine’s hand and squeezed it “Plus he won’t stop being rude to me.”

“Are you sure? Because he left me for a date?” Blaine bit his lip nervously

“Cooper loves you. He just has an odd way of showing it.” Kurt resisted the urge to scoop Blaine up and hug him tightly

“You think Cooper is more attractive and would prefer him over me?” Blaine whispered very low trying to hide the tear that came from admitting one of his deep fears.

The thought had bothered him for years. Ever since Cooper came to visit in junior year and Kurt changed his ringtone to Cooper’s stupid commercial.

“Oh, Blaine honey,” Kurt leaned over and kissed Blaine’s forehead “Not real. Your brother is not my type. I’m not into airheads who insult Broadway and hurt my best friend with their flakey promises.” Kurt comforted. “I prefer a sweet, talented, intelligent, attractive, and vertically challenged man who works hard for what he gets.”

“Visiting Hours are now over. All Guests proceed to the exit.” A voice announced over the intercom.

Kurt visibly deflated. “I guess it’s time to leave.”

“Will you come tomorrow? My mom said she might be able to switch shifts so she can come. But I can have 2 visitors.” Blaine pleaded.

“Of course I will. And you can call whenever you want. I’ll answer no matter what.” Kurt soothed squeezing Blaine’s hand. “I left some clothes and your favorite books with the nurse. Make sure you ask them about them.”

Blaine nodded, not letting go of Kurt’s hand.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, honey.” Kurt gave him a big hug and if he didn’t know better he could swear Blaine kissed his neck.

“Bye Blaine.” Kurt hugged him again, wondering how he could still smell so uniquely Blaine without his products.

Blaine still didn’t let Kurt’s hand loose.

Kurt brought him to the door of the visiting room. “I love you Blaine.”

Suddenly as if even Blaine didn’t know he was going to do it, Blaine kissed Kurt hard.

It took a second for Kurt to respond happily. He missed Blaine’s perfect lips against his and how comfortable it made him to have their love shown through the kiss.

Blaine pulled away blushing, chiding himself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Blaine finally let go of Kurt’s hand, his head bowed cutely. Kurt knew Blaine enjoyed the kiss just as much as he did.

“I’m not complaining.” Kurt teased. “And I know that doesn’t change things. I am still going to woo you as long as it takes.”

He hugged Blaine one more time, then left.

When Kurt got home, he started a new project. He called it a “We love Blaine” party set for the day Blaine got out of the hospital. It would take some time and energy, not to mention it didn’t really have a set date. But Kurt knew it would be worth it.

He planned to call around to all the members of glee, past and present. He relied on the New Direction phone tree to contact those he didn’t have the numbers of. He called a few Warblers as well that Blaine still had good memories of.

Anyone he could get to come, would write down at least 1 reason they loved Blaine and either present it for him or put it in a jar so when Blaine was feeling down he could pick one out to cheer him up a little.

He got a hold of Tina, Sam and Rachel fairly fast. Tina said she’d come back for a few days if it was for Blaine. Sam agreed without any hesitation. He claimed to miss their larping and fanfiction nights.

Rachel was a whole other story. He snapped at her. He knew she was sad about her show and needed to talk to someone, but he could only handle one Diva at a time.

He was in love with Blaine, so he was the Diva that got his attention.

Kurt felt that was important she knew. He knew that one day Blaine would be his husband and that meant he’d always be his first concern.

He’d dropped the ball on that several times, by choosing Rachel over Blaine when both of them were dealing with something stressful. His therapist had pointed it out to him very early into their sessions.

He suggested that Rachel should go out for coffee with Cooper. He knew how it felt to be rejected by Hollywood. Plus with Rachel and Cooper occupied it would prevent them from trying to take over.

Rachel also admitted that Glee club was looking for a new teacher, but she was too blue to do it herself. He knew she was fishing for a compliment, but he knew once he started that somehow he’d be dragged into Rachel’s issues, so he refrained.

He did take her suggestion to help the glee club. He needed a work study and what better than having the power and control of Glee like he wished when he went to McKinley.

By the time he’d decided to go to bed, he had answers from half of the original members and few newer members.

He also put together a structured lesson plan for the Glee Club for the interview that he was able to arrange.

Kurt awoke to the sound of his phone going off. It was Blaine if his ringtone was any indication.

“Morning, Blaine” Kurt answered sleepily.

“How does Sebastian Smythe know I’m here, and get the numbers to this phones?” Blaine asked, irritated.

“I don’t know, you know how the Warblers are.” Kurt told him honestly.

“Are you sure? He said something about a party, I think.” Blaine shuddered “Well between sexual harassing me and saying things about you.”

“Oh.” Kurt’s heart fell. “I don’t know how it got back to him, but I may have been planning something for when you get out. But all I told anyone was that you were coming back from a trip.”

“Kurt,” Blaine responded in a pained tone.

“He must have said some terrible things if you’re this upset.” Kurt observed in concern.

“Am I only worth a good fuck?” Blaine asked upset and hurt. “And too much work now?”

Kurt tried to quell the anger that rose up in him at Blaine’s words. “You are perfectly imperfect, honey. And just because a jerk like Sebastian, who if you remember was all about the one night stands not relationships, says you're not relationship material, doesn’t make it true.”

“He said you were bored of me of taking care of me and that I should just ‘give in’ and meet him at Scandals.”

“Not Real, Blaine. He’s just trying to prey on your feelings so he can get you drunk and get you to do something you’ll regret.” Kurt reassured “Unless you wouldn’t regret it?

“He means nothing to me, Kurt,” Blaine sighed

“See, Blaine. You know it's pointless to listen to him.” Kurt reminded.

“I know, but it felt like he was parroting the thoughts in my brain. So I had to call you,” Blaine explained nervously. Maybe he was putting too much on Kurt. They weren’t even dating and yet Kurt was still there to help him. More so than he could ever remember. It made him wonder if he was overcompensating trying to get him back, or if the therapy Kurt claimed he was in was working for him.

“I’m here any time, Blaine.” Kurt promised

“Hey Andersin! You talking to that fairy you practically humped yesterday? Tell him if he comes back I’ll beat both your asses.” An angry voice came from Blaine’s side of the phone. Kurt heard a smack.

“Who is that? Go report him to the nurses! You’re trying to heal for damn sakes!” Kurt demanded angrily.

“It doesn’t matter, Kurt. From what I can tell he’s harmless,” Blaine pacified “You don’t have to come tonight if it scares you though. I’ll understand.”

“I’m coming to see you, unless you changed your mind,” Kurt paused giving Blaine time to object. “And someone hitting and bullying you is not harmless.”

“Kurt, we’re in Ohio. I doubt that the nurses will do more than tell him to stop. And when has that ever worked on a bully?” Blaine reasoned.

Kurt was not convinced and had every intention of telling the nurses when he came to visit. Maybe they could move that person elsewhere.

“Besides I get out tomorrow, right?” Blaine said optimistically.

Kurt sighed deeply. “I don’t think it works that way”

“Of course it does, it’s a 72 hour hold. As in they only hold me for 72 hours.” Blaine explained positively. “And I’m fine now.”

“Actually according to the nurses you stay until your psychiatrist says you can leave.” Kurt claimed sad that he had to break Blaine’s bubble of happiness.

“But I only see him once a day for 5 minutes!” Blaine was shellshocked. “How could he possibly know?”

“I don’t know. I think I annoyed the nurses with all my questions.” Kurt admitted, embarrassed.

“Time for group!” A woman was yelling. The voice lowered “The phone turns off during group, Blaine so make it quick.”

“I have to go now, Kurt” Blaine sounded disappointed

Kurt tried to distract himself from the thought of what Blaine might be dealing with at that very moment, nearly the entire day.

His interview was a little stilted as he tried to stay on topic, but it didn’t matter. The job was offered to him after about 5 minutes as long as he agreed to do it for free. Thankfully NYADA didn’t require that he had to make any money at his work study.

His next concern was to find members. He thought of Kitty and decided to start there. But she was adamant that she was not going to go through the pain Glee Club caused her.

He promised her a spot if she changed her mind and invited her to the party for Blaine.

Kurt decided to put up sign up sheets. It had attracted him and his friends. Maybe he’d find the next big stars that way.

Kurt’s visit to Blaine that night was similar to the night before. They played Real or Not Real, but this time Blaine’s mom, Pam was there to quell some of the thoughts that Kurt couldn’t answer.

Overall Blaine seemed to be happier than he was the day before. But he was disappointed that Kurt was right. He wasn’t going home the next day. They still felt he needed to be observed.

When visiting hours were over, Kurt left right after Pam. He found himself cornered in the parking lot.

“I have to thank you for saving him.” Pam said seriously

“It was nothing. I just heard him yell and reacted,” Kurt explained, knowing that was not the end of the conversation.

“I wasn’t aware that you were in contact with him. It surprised me when you showed up.” Pam asked carefully.

“I came back to Ohio for Blaine. And I plan to marry him if he’ll let me. I don’t have anymore doubts.” Kurt said stopping her short. “And right now I’m just trying to be a good friend, since he is my best one.”

“Don’t you dare hurt him again, Kurt.” Pam warned. “I don’t think I could handle hearing that my baby was in the hospital again.”

“I promise I’ll try not to.”

Kurt’s days pretty much stayed the same that week. He talked to Blaine nearly every morning, went into work and auditioned new members for New Directions. Then he’d go home, changed out of his fashionable teacher style and into his light colored clothes for Blaine’s recovery, and spent his time with Blaine during visiting hours.

So far with the New Directions he’d found a few promising performers.

There were two Cheerios that were clearly twins who had performed together before. He was still trying to convince Kitty.

While talking to Trent on the Warblers phone tree, which he threatened them that no information was to get to Sebastian, he found out there was a girl petitioned to join the Warblers. He was keeping an eye on that situation.

He’d also made progress with the New Directions phone tree. He’d found Marley, Jake, Ryder and Unique.

He managed to convince Unique to come back to McKinley as long as Rachel wasn’t in charge. She seemed to have an issue with Rachel not knowing their names, but the others couldn’t leave their new school.

They all agreed to come to Blaine’s party.

On Friday night he got a call from Pam after he got home from visiting Blaine. She told him to tell anyone that was coming to his party that Blaine was getting out tomorrow afternoon after lunch.

He scrambled to inform the Warblers and New Directions phone trees.

The next day dawned bright. He talked to Blaine like normal and he really did seem more like his old self. He couldn’t wait to see him out of that hospital.

He spent his whole morning setting up for the party. He expected about 20 show choir people and he assumed they didn’t plan to leave once they explained why they loved Blaine.

Kurt didn’t know what to put on his card. He’d written a list and to fit them all the words would be too small, they'd be illegible. In the end he filled the jar up halfway, only stopping because his hand cramped.

When the party started, his house filled up with far more than 20 people. He realized his mistake. Someone leaked it to the high schoolers.

Kurt found Tina and Rachel in the crowd. He grabbed them and brought them into the kitchen.

“You two need to help me clear this party out to the people Blaine actually knows.” Kurt begged

Rachel crossed her arms stubbornly. “You won’t listen to me, why would I help?”

“Just help, Rachel” Tina rolled her eyes.

“Thank you, Tina.” A sense of relief ran through his body.

“Fine. But you’re explaining what this party is even for when I’m done.” Rachel demanded

Kurt nodded and watched as they walked back into the party. He went to the front door to stop people before they came in.

Immediately he was turning people away. After 5 minutes of frustration, he finally snapped at the people. “This is not a teenage party! If you do not know Blaine Anderson, go away or I’ll sic a Puckerman on you.”

About half of the people waiting walked away, knowing Puck’s reputation.

There were people streaming out of the house as well. Kurt wondered what the girls were doing to cause it. He stopped wondering when Unique showed up with 4 other people.

“You better know all our names or we walk,” Kitty informed

Kurt rolled his eyes “Kitty I’ve been trying to recruit you for a week.”

“Then what are their names?”

Kurt looked at them thoughtfully. “Unique obviously, Puckerman two is… Jake. Which make you Ryder the football player.” Kurt pointed at the last girl. “And you’re Marley, the brilliant song writer.”

“Lucky guess” Kitty said unimpressed

“Not lucky, Blaine’s talked about you.” Kurt said as they walked into the house.

Once they turned the party back into an event for Blaine, all they had to do was wait. There were a couple of almosts as Sugar announced herself and Brittany and Santana showed up.

Finally Kurt saw Blaine’s mom’s car. He told the group.

“Should we hide?” Ryder asked

The group argued over the question until the doorbell rang and Kurt glared at them to shut up.

Kurt answered the door and hugged Blaine tight as greeting.

“You’re feeling better now right? No bad thoughts?” Kurt worried

“I’m okay.” Blaine assured

Kurt lead Blaine into the living room where everyone was gathered. He dropped Kurt’s hand and ran into the kitchen. Kurt quickly followed him

“Jesus, Kurt did you invite everyone we’ve ever met?” Blaine asked out of breath.

“No. I just invited the people who love you.” Kurt said guiltily “What’s wrong?”

“Could you get my a bag to breath into? I’m having an anxiety attack.”

Kurt rushed over to one the drawers pulling out a brown paper bag, handing it to Blaine.

“I’m- I know you meant well, but god Kurt. I just got out of the hospital.”

“Do you need to lean against something? Or sit down? Do you need a hug, would that help? I know it helps me” Kurt babbled feeling helpless

Blaine walked into his arms and Kurt held him tightly.

“I’m sorry, Blaine” Kurt murmured kissing Blaine’s hair.

After a few minutes, Blaine’s breathing was back to normal.

“Okay, I think I’m okay. But whatever you planned, could we do it in parts.”

“Sure, anything you want.” Kurt smiled relieved that he hadn’t ruined everything. “Meet me in the dining room.”

Kurt went out to the living room and brought Brittany, Santana, Tina, Sam and Mercedes to the dining room.

“I don’t know what weird mating ritual of yours this is, but we just came because we had some free time.” Santana noted

“That’s nice for you.” Kurt glared

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in town, man?” Sam piped up.

“How about we tell Blaine why we love him?” Kurt redirected. “Instead of overwhelming him?”

“Oh! I love that you're a unicorn like Kurt.” Brittany volunteered

“I love how we’re best friends and how you read Star Wars fanfiction. You add a lot to the words.” Sam added

“You're not his best friend.” Kurt growled under his breath.

Blaine burst out laughing looking at Kurt who was pretending he hadn’t said anything. This continued through a number of Blaine’s friends, with Kurt commenting under his breath so only Blaine could hear.

When Rachel came in, Kurt sighed.

“Before I tell you what a brilliant partner I find you to be, I want to know what this is about and why Kurt is neglecting his friend duty.” Rachel demanded.

“That is none of your business, Rac-.” Kurt started. He stopped when he felt Blaine’s hand on his shoulder.

“I tried to kill myself, Rachel.” Blaine admitted freely. “And Kurt thought this might help me.”

“Why would you that? Think of all the wasted talent.” Rachel questioned.

“I wasn’t, I’ll admit that.” Blaine conceded.

“So why was Kurt neglecting, me, his soulmate then?” Rachel asked.

“I sent you out with Cooper, that’s not neglect.” Kurt sighed really not wanting to talk about Rachel right now.

“All he did was talk about himself. It was so annoying.” Rachel complained.

“I can only imagine.” Kurt nodded thoughtfully pretending to agree with Rachel.

He shoo’d Rachel out of the room.

“For the record, I do not think Rachel is in anyway my soulmate.” Kurt sighed

“I can’t believe you set her up with Cooper.” Blaine laughed

“They were bothering me” Kurt excused

“Why weren’t you helping her? She just lost her show and her Dads are divorcing. I’m sure she needs to talk about it.” Blaine asked, confused.

“I’m done putting her first.” Kurt told him seriously. “I didn’t even realize I was until my therapist pointed it out.”

Blaine gave Kurt a thoughtful look. “You’re going to put me first?”

“Real.” Kurt confirmed.

Blaine gathered Kurt into a kiss not taking any time to deepen it. Kurt enthusiastically responded. Kurt moaned as Blaine nibbled on his lip. He pushed Blaine against the wall before trailing kisses on Blaine’s neck.

“What does this mean?” Kurt asked breathlessly. His lips were trailing down to Blaine’s collarbone.

“Just want you,” Blaine responded bucking his hips against Kurt.

Kurt took Blaine’s distraction to pick him up. Blaine’s legs locked in their place around Kurt’s waist as Blaine sucked a hickey on Kurt’s neck.

Kurt was still worried. “This isn’t a symptom, right?”

“No. Stop thinking.” Blaine brushed off as he tangled his hands in Kurt’s hair. Still working on the hickey. “Just fuck me.”

Kurt nodded let out a moan as Blaine nibbled softly at his neck.

“I’m not fucking you where we have dinner,” Kurt explained as he hurried out of the dining room and snuck upstairs to his bedroom. He hoped no one had seen them and that his erection wasn’t obvious.

He threw Blaine on his bed and went to work on getting his clothes off.

Blaine lounged on the bed shamelessly enjoying the view of a soon to be nude Kurt. “My memory doesn’t do you any justice.”

Kurt blushed at the compliment and removed his clothes a little slower to give Blaine more of a show. “Clothes off, Blaine.” Kurt reminded him as Blaine simply stared

Blaine grinned stripping of his clothes and carefully folded them knowing that always made Kurt more enthusiastic. He grabbed the lube out of Kurt’s bedside table and started to prepare himself while Kurt went to his closet to hang up his shirt.

When Kurt turned around, he almost came from the sight. Blaine shamelessly putting his hole on display as he fingers stretched himself.

Kurt rushed over kissing Blaine hard and pushed Blaine’s hand away so he could take over. Blaine’s hands roamed everywhere on Kurt, memorising his body again. Kurt’s hand cradled Blaine’s head in his hand as they kissed.

“So beautiful” Kurt murmured against Blaine’s lips “So perfect.”

“Want you inside me” Blaine murmured desperately.

Kurt pulled away from the kiss to help Blaine position himself. As Blaine sunk down, they both moaned in relief, having missed the feeling.

Blaine pushed down harder to take more of Kurt faster.

“Fuck me hard, Kurt” Blaine demanded. “I wanna feel it”

Without question, Kurt did just that, thrusting down into Blaine fast and hard. He shifted slightly letting Blaine wrap himself around Kurt’s waist. He gasped at the new angle, pushing in deeper as his hands made their way into Blaine’s hair to tug slightly

Blaine moaned deeply at the feeling, getting closer. He started trailing kisses along Kurt’s chest, stopping to leave hickies everywhere, knowing which places were impossible to cover.

Kurt got lost in the sensation of thrusting into Blaine’s tight ass, chasing his orgasm as Blaine’s lips trailed their way to Kurt’s ear

“I love you, Kurt” Blaine whispered into his ear with as much feeling as he could manage.

Kurt came at the sound of Blaine’s confession and the sensation pushed Blaine over the edge as well.

Kurt let himself collapse on Blaine, as Blaine’s arms wrap themselves around him.

He let himself fall out of Blaine and groaned. “You haven’t been with anyone else, right?” Kurt asked nervously knowing Blaine’s answer could ruin the mood. “Because we forgot a condom”

“No. Not that guys at Scandals didn’t try.” Blaine reassured.

“Good, I haven’t either.” Kurt admitted.

“Now I’m not done with you.” Kurt captured Blaine’s lips and kissed him softly, taking his time to enjoy the feeling of a sated Blaine underneath him. “I missed this, I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Blaine grinned against Kurt’s lips, bumping his nose against Kurt’s.

Kurt moved off of Blaine to collapse next to him, not wanting to crush him after they came down from their high. Blaine curled his body around Kurt’s with his head on his chest.

“So are we going to talk about those scars on your thighs?” Kurt asked apprehensively.

“Can I say no?” Blaine asked not wanting to discuss it at this moment.

“Have you at least been making sure they don’t get infected?” Kurt worried.

“No?” Blaine told him embarrassed. “I didn’t want to.”

“Oh, Blaine,” Kurt sighed sadly kissing the top of Blaine’s hair. “If you do that again, not that I condone it, will you let me keep it uninfected?”

Blaine nodded in agreement.

“How about the bruise you have on your hip?” Kurt asked in concern.

“Oh that idiot punched me.” Blaine said nonchalantly, “But they moved him to a new unit.”

“Blaine! I told you it was serious threat.” Kurt frowned

“He wasn’t though, Kurt.” Blaine reassured. “Turns out he tried to kill himself rather than tell anyone he was gay.”

“Well he still hurt you,” Kurt concluded. “And anyone that would hurt you is an asshole.”

Eventually Blaine and Kurt returned to the party. It was in full swing. People were singing karaoke in one room, playing Halo in another and the dining room was now open for people who were talking.

Kurt was excited to see that someone had found another jar after the first one filled up with reasons to love Blaine. It was pretty full as well.

“See I told you they just needed to bone.” Santana commented as they walked into the dining room. “You owe me $10, Berry!”

Kurt ignored her as he headed over to talk to Mercedes.

Blaine went to talk to Sam.

“You really mauled him,” Sam laughed as Blaine sat down next to him. “I thought you two split up?”

“We’re back together.” Blaine corrected. “He just doesn’t know it yet.”

“Dude, what?” Sam asked thinking he heard Blaine wrong.

“He’s so cute trying to ‘woo’ me,” Blaine sighed dreamily. “But we’ve been back together since Kurt chose me over Rachel. It’s really nice to be put first.”

“Blaine you have to tell him. I know I’d be mad if I found out a girl was screwing with me like that.” Sam urged him.

“I’m scared.” Blaine admitted. “What if it's just a joke and Kurt leaves?”

“I don’t think he’d do that.” Sam told him, unsure. He figured Blaine knew Kurt better than he did.

“But what if he does?” Blaine worried. Logically he knew that Kurt wouldn’t. But that didn’t stop the little voice telling him that Kurt could do so much better than him.

“You’re worried for nothing.” Sam said as he got up. “It’s almost my turn for Halo. Wanna join?”

“Not right now. But maybe later.” Blaine smiled.

As Sam walked away, Santana came over from where she was talking to Brittany.

“Okay what’s the story? I know you didn’t go on a trip.” Santana asked invasively “Besides I heard you two broke up. Now Kurt’s throwing you a party and making people tell you why they love you. It’s pretty weird.”

“You’re right, I wasn’t on a trip. I tried to kill myself. Kurt saved me,” Blaine admitted, knowing it was easier to just tell her.

Santana gasped. “Why would you do that? You actually have potential and you’re impossible to dislike. Trust me I tried”

“I’ve got depression and the thoughts convinced me.” Blaine shrugged. “I’ve been in the hospital”

“Why were you in the hospital? Did you put a quarter up your nose?” Brittany asked loudly from behind Santana. Everyone in the room turned to look at Blaine as he blushed in embarrassment.

“You were in the hospital, boo?” Mercedes asked coming over and giving him a hug.

Kurt had come over as well and was now arguing quietly with Santana and Brittany about being discreet and not yelling. He knew that if it was anyone else, Santana would be cursing them out, but she had a soft spot for Brittany, so she was on her side.

“It’s okay, I’m good now.” Blaine reassured Mercedes. “I just had a flare up of an illness I have.”

“Well I’m glad you feel better now.” Mercedes said honestly.

“Thanks.” Blaine smiled.

Rachel came into the dining room. “As usual, I took everyone’s breath away.” She bragged as she took a seat, not feeling the tension in the room.

“Come on, Blaine. I wanna sing a duet with you,” Mercedes suggested as she lead him out of the room.

Blaine panicked. He hadn’t sang in month and he wasn’t sure if he even could. His medicine was still putting him in a foggy place and he hadn’t warmed up. And what if she expected him to play the piano. What if the keys were broken? Or his voice cracked.

He could feel he was at the start of a panic attack and wanted to get back to Kurt. “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Blaine apologized releasing her hand. He rushed back to Kurt quickly.

“You can’t just butt into a conversation like that!” Kurt sighed frustrated that Brittany just wasn’t getting it.

“I was joining Santana.” Brittany defended. “And I don’t know why he’s embarrassed about a quarter in his nose”

Blaine took Kurt’s hand and squeezed it twice, hoping Kurt got the message.

Kurt nodded squeezing his hand again telling Blaine he was there for him.

“Why are you embarrassed by a quarter? It’s happen to me 3 times!”

“Santana, just tell her. It’s not like everyone’s not going to find out.” Blaine sighed.

Blaine lead Kurt to the backyard.

“I can’t sing, Kurt.” Blaine announced when they were far enough away from the house.

“I’m sure if you just warm up a little your voice will sound right” Kurt comforted.

“No, I mean I can’t- I can’t go on stage and sing or play music. I panic.” Blaine explained uncomfortably.

Kurt kissed Blaine’s forehead. “How about we take it on instrument at a time, and leave the singing till later?”

“What do you mean?” Blaine tilted his head slightly in confusion.

Kurt pulled out Blaine’s harmonica he found in his room.

“Play with it. No rush. Play some notes and maybe you’ll feel a bit more comfortable.” Kurt explained soothingly

“What if I can’t?” Blaine muttered depressingly, not believing he could get over the anxiety to do it.

“Then I’ll try to be more musical for both of us.” Kurt assured. “But no matter what I’ll be there to help you and catch you if it get to be too much.”

Blaine pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips. “Be my boyfriend again?”

“That depends,” Kurt teased, “Can I be your fiance instead?”

“Definitely” Blaine grinned wrapping his arms around Kurt hugging him tightly.

Once the party died down and everyone went home, they drove over to Blaine’s house.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to just drop you off?” Kurt asked as they pulled up to the house.

“Kurt, Cooper will probably get bored after a half hour and my mom had to go into work for a shift. You’re not going to crash family time.”

Kurt parked his car and got out coming around to take Blaine’s hand as they walked to the door.

They slipped off their shoes as they walked in.

“Cooper?” Blaine yelled out looking in the living room for him. There was no answer so he checked the dining room and kitchen.

He sighed in disbelief at the note sitting on the table.

‘Went out to dinner with your friend Rachel.’

“Cooper’s gone,” Blaine announced, not sure why he expected more. “He’s out with Rachel.”

“Do they know it's not a secret if one of them tells us?” Kurt wondered.

“Do you realize we have a completely empty house? Do you know what we could do?” Blaine smirked.

“Reorganize your bedroom so it’s not so depressing?” Kurt guessed.

“I was going to say have a musical marathon on the big tv, but okay” Blaine laughed.

Kurt grabbed his hand pulling him upstairs and into his room.

Kurt moved quickly as he opened up his shades and let the light in.

Next he organized the clothing that was lying around and moved to the closest to clean it out. Blaine was following behind helping Kurt with what he needed.

“Is it too early to be asking if we can get an apartment here in Lima?” Kurt ask casually as he fixed Blaine’s keyboard that was falling out of his case.

“Lima? Why are we staying in here?” Blaine asked concerned “Is it something to do with your dad?”

“I told you, honey. I have work study this semester and I choose Lima to be near you and get you back.” Kurt explained carefully

“What’s your work study?” Blaine asked curiously

“I’m leading the New Directions,” Kurt smiled “Well actually I’m trying to find people interested right now”

“I heard Wes and Thad arguing about a girl at Dalton wanting to be a Warbler. I bet you can convince her before Crawford Country Day” Blaine noted.

“Actually I was hoping you could.” Kurt remarked. “You could be my co-coach. Imagine what we could do without Rachel or Mr. Shue dismissing our suggestions.”

“I think we should get the apartment.” Blaine agreed. “If I spend all day watching you be an insanely hot teacher, I’m not going to want to come back to my mom’s house.”

Kurt nodded incredibly pleased with the turn of events, as he pulled out Blaine’s record player from underneath a pile of boxes. He put it back in his place. He started putting all the clothes back into the closet, smoothing out any wrinkles.

“Where’s all your trophies and cameras?” Kurt looked around.

“In the attic somewhere. I couldn’t bear to put my digital camera in though.”

“How about your pictures?” Kurt asked sorting out a nasty wrinkle in Blaine’s colorful dress shirt.

“The white boxes in there.”

Kurt looked around and found them. He brought the shirt with him knowing it needed steamed.

Blaine open one of the boxes with a watery grin. He turned it around to show Kurt. A picture of their engagement. They both looked so young.

As Blaine looked through more of the photos, Kurt realized why they’d been put away. They were all pictures of beautiful memories they shared from their early Dalton days up until Blaine left New York.

The second box had pictures of a younger Blaine with his friends at Dalton. He hadn’t seen these since the rock salt slushie incident.

The third box wasn’t really much better. It was filled with memories of Finn with members of the glee club at various ages.

The last box seemed to be random. Pictures of Tina, Sam and Blaine. Family photos of his and Kurt’s family. Even a picture of Kurt when he was around 12.

Kurt grabbed that one fast. “Where did you get this, Blaine Anderson?”

“Your dad gave it to me years ago.” Blaine replied nonchalantly. “You’ve always been adorable.”

Kurt covered his eyes in disbelief.

“I guess you probably don’t want to know that I have baby pictures,” Blaine said, amused.

“Why?” Kurt began pacing.

“Because you’re cute,” Blaine laughed. “And I was making a slideshow for our reception”

Kurt stopped. “Can I see it?”

Blaine nodded and dug around the box until he pulled out a flash drive. He plugged it into his laptop. When the folder popped up, Kurt’s jaw dropped.

“That’s cheating Blaine!” Kurt said in mock offense. “You are not allowed to plan out our first 10 anniversaries before we’re even married.”

“Well I guess you’re going to have to try and outdo me then.” Blaine teased as he clicked on the slideshow.

“Aww, you’re so cute.” Kurt gushed as a baby picture of Blaine came up along side his own.

“I didn’t really have time to add any audio or music” Blaine admitted. “But I was almost done with the slideshow.”

Kurt watched the whole thing loving how cute Blaine was. He couldn’t help but fantasize about them having a baby who looked like little Blaine.

“I think Somewhere Only We Know would fit,” Kurt suggested.

“I was thinking Til There Was You, actually.” Blaine commented.

“That fits well too,” Kurt agreed. “But Isn't Cooper suppose to being doing this?

“Would you trust this to Cooper?” Blaine shuddered.

“No, obviously. I’m just surprised that you let him be you best man if you aren’t going to let him do anything.” Kurt reasoned.

“The rings-” Blaine started.

“I’m not sure if I’d trust Cooper with them.” Kurt said, conflicted. “Can we give them to Elliott?”

“Of course. He didn’t see any of the baby Kurt if you were wondering.” Blaine reassured “I think he had plans for something. He wouldn’t tell me what it was.”

“You were really planning, weren’t you?” Kurt said, guilty. “I’m sorry that I was being so closed off.”

“Will you help me plan now?” Blaine asked insecurely.

Kurt leaned over and kissed him quickly. “Of course, I’d love too.”

Later that night after Blaine’s room had been fixed and their musical marathon was interrupted by Cooper, they did their nighttime routine.

Kurt discovered that Blaine hadn’t been doing any of his moisturizing routine because he couldn’t will himself to do. So Kurt did it for him. When he was halfway done, Blaine pulled him away from the bottles and initiated a make out session, because Kurt was being too cute with his expression.

Kurt eventually pulled away about twenty minutes later, the lotion smeared on both their faces.

“We’ve got to take our medicine now, honey.” Kurt told Blaine wiping his face as Blaine pouted

Kurt headed to Blaine’s bathroom and grabbed a few pill bottles. He took the pills meant for Blaine out and handed them to him. Then he pulled a bottle out of his own bag and took his own.

Once they had both washed them down, Kurt practically pounced on Blaine kissing him dirtily. It didn’t take much time for clothes to start flying off.

I'll admit as someone who is bipolar, A lot of Blaine's thoughts are also some I have.

#blangst #depressed!blaine #klaine #blaine anderson #kurt hummel #tw: suicide thoughts #Suicide #homophobia #ocd #my fics

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just-jordie-things · 7 years

Text

Relax My Beloved - Mickey Milkovich

MICKEY IS STRAIGHT IN THIS FIC JUST FYI

listen to the song here

Relax my beloved, don’t worry for me,

Don’t shed a tear for me always be near for me.

Be confident my love don’t bow your head for me,

Promise you’ll smile for me don’t ever cry for me.

You know these walls they may fall down,

But I’ll still hold on to you,

At heights higher than you’d imagine me too.

You groaned when the light woke you up, immediately pissed off for being awoken. “Mick” You groaned. “Would you turn off the light?” Someone chuckled from across the room.

“y/n that would be the fucking sun” You whined, and pushed your face into your pillow. “Sunshine rise and shine, it’s time to get up” You groaned again, and squinted your eyes. Mickey was readying your morning pills, and when you looked over your shoulder, Carl was up in his bed, maybe reading a comic book, maybe jerking off, and Liam was fast asleep in bed.

“Liam gets to sleep” You said, and Mickey gave you an eye roll.

“Tough shit, you have timed medications, now come on sit up” You were about to protest, but Mickey tugged you up to sit on the edge of the bed. “Here’s the glass” He gave you the water, and then handed you a pill. “Prozac” He said, and you swallowed it down. “Adderall” He handed you another one, and you swallowed it too. “Birth control” Mickey smiled as you took that one. “And an ibuprofen because I know the birth control gives you headaches” You took the final pill and swallowed, and Mickey ruffled your hair.

“Thanks” You said, and stretched as you stood. The tiredness that had once plagued your head beginning to fade away. “Is anyone cooking?” You asked, pulling a pair of jeans on over your underwear, and keeping on the tee shirt you’d slept in.

“Yeah Lip’s makin pancakes or some shit” Mickey said, and you followed him out into the hall.

“Pancakes sounds good” You said, putting an arm up on his shoulder, and leaning against him. Mickey looked over towards you, an arm coming around your lower back and tugging you closer. “I don’t remember last time I had-”

“I love you” You paused, turning to be standing in front of him. You stared at him, licking your parted lips in surprise. He’d never said that to you before. And you were almost convinced that he was just saying it to mess with you. “Alright, don’t fuckin’ say it back, not like I waited all morning for ya” You smiled slightly, shaking your head and splaying your hands on either side of his face.

“I love you too you fuckin’ idiot” You said, and brought your lips up to his in a sweet kiss. Mickey wound his arms around your waist, holding you there against him in the middle of the hall on a Saturday morning

Be still my heart, I’m only a moment away,

In the next room or at the break of day.

And I would walk, once again to see your face again,

And I’d hear every word you’d have to say.

“Well then we go get her outta there!” Mickey exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. The shotgun in his hand still loaded, and seemed to be glued to his palm.

“Let’s shoot some fuckin’ cops” Carl grinned sickeningly.

“If that’s what it takes” Mickey said, pointing at the fourteen year old.

“No- Carl, bed!” Fiona ordered. “Mickey, put the goddamn gun down before ya shoot somebody.

“We’re not gonna get anywhere if we shoot people” Ian sighed.

“We’re not gonna get anywhere in life if y/n’s not here!” Lip retorted.

“Okay and what’s gonna happen? We go to the fuckin’ looney bin to get her and just shoot a bunch of people!? How’s that helpful in any fuckin’ way!?” Ian yelled, and soon the brothers were pushing at each other.

“Would you just- would everyone-”

“Let me just say,” Sammy cut off Fiona. “That I think we’re doing much better with her gone. I really do believe that I do”

In seconds Mickey had the blonde woman shoved against the wall, his gun pressed to her head.

“Mickey!”

“You want her to fucking die in there!? ‘Cause she will!” Lip shouted in the background.

“And killing innocent therapists is gonna help her!?”

“Might I say something-”

“NO!” Everyone yelled at Frank, and it went quiet for a moment, everyone catching their breaths. Fiona was nearly in tears, as was Mickey but he tried his best not to show it. He slowly let Sammy go, and she stormed out of the house.

“Good riddance” He muttered.

“Fifi?” Their heads all turned to where a little Liam and footie pajamas was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, and reality sunk in.

Ian and Lip pulled away from each other, Fiona lowered to the ground as Liam waddled in, Frank took his beer to another room, and Mickey tucked his gun into the back of his jeans.

“y/n?” Liam asked Fiona and the woman hugged him, finally breaking down into cries as she held onto the boy.

“She’s in a hospital” She answered honestly.

“Hurt?” Fiona turned to look at Mickey, who surprisingly kneeled onto the ground next to them.

Everyone else left the room.

“Kind of” Mickey told him.

“Broken?” Mickey was smart enough to know the kid meant a broken bone, and he only wished that that were the case.

“Yeah, yeah she’s broken” Mickey’s voice cracked. Fiona stood, and Liam cocked his head to the side in confusion. “She’s hurting real bad, she has a special condition, she’s got persistent depressive disorder” He told the boy, eyes watering up.

“Sad?” He only nodded in return. “Doctors help?” Liam asked, and a few tears slipped onto Mickey’s cheeks. This was the longest conversation he’s had with the five year old that didn’t involve race cars.

“Yeah, the-the doctors’ll help her” He cried, and Liam did the only thing he was taught to do when someone was crying. He moved forward and hugged the man. Mickey wasn’t one much for touching if it wasn’t you, but somehow he’d cradled the child, holding him close and finally letting all the tears rush out. The wound of you being gone ripped open again, a raw and painful feeling igniting in his chest.

Then maybe again we would weep like we’ve done

a thousand times before

Don’t turn your back on me

or shout as you walk out the door

“Are you nervous?” Fiona asked, looking over from the driver’s seat to where Mickey sat in the passenger’s side.

“No” He answered, leg still bouncing and finger tapping the window sill repeatedly as he stared out the glass. “Of course I fuckin’ am what if the meds jack up her head and she doesn’t remember me? Or doesn’t wanna see me?” Fiona rolled her eyes.

“That’s a dumb thing to be nervous about”

“Excuse me?” Mickey whipped his head over, staring at her. Liam sat silently in the backseat, busy playing with an action figure you’d given him for his birthday.

“Just sayin’. I’m nervous because I don’t wanna make her feel more pained than she is. You’re sad ‘cause ya think she don’t like ya no more?” Fiona chuckled and shook her head, turning into the facility’s parking lot. “Lemme tell you something Milkovich. You remember that time ya cheated on her?”

“I wasn’t cheating! It looked bad when she saw but I swear to fuckin’ Christ it wasn’t-”

“Would you shut up for one goddamn second?” Mickey shut his mouth at her tone. “That night, she’s bawling her fuckin’ eyes out at the table and I’m tryin’ to help but it’s not workin’. So I asked what she needed, and ya know what she told me? She said that only you, Mickey milkovich, would be able to calm her down. And that was why she was so distraught”

Mickey thought back to that day, how a girl at the bar had pushed herself against him before he could say no, and how you’d looked at him coming back from the bathroom. You hadn’t said a word, just held back a cry and tried not to let the tears fall as you’d pushed past him. Later that night you’d gone to his place, and told him how much you cared about him. It had ended well, neither of you had even yelled. But it was by far the worst bump in your relationship. At least it was to Mickey. He never wanted to hurt you like that again.

Then maybe again we would weep like we’ve done

a thousand times before

When the three of them walked into the visiting room, you were already sitting at a chair. A large glass window separating the table in half. There was some security on either side of the room, a few doctors talking with patients who spoke with loved ones through the phones. You tried not to think of it as a prison, but that’s what it was. But when you saw Mickey, your heart pounded hard in your chest, and you stood up quickly from the chair you sat in. His eyes found you, and he bolted for the spot on the other side of your window. His hands fumbled for the phone, as you’d already been holding yours.

“y-y/n” He breathed, and you stared at him with wide eyes. You began to doubt yourself. Was he even real? Was this just a hallucination? Perhaps the doctors had started giving you stronger pills, really fucking you up. “I’m here, it’s real” Mickey assured, placing his hand on the glass flat. Your eyes lit up, sparking real feeling that wasn’t just anxiety.

“Mickey” You said, lining your much smaller hand against the glass where his was.

“Hey… hey how’re you feeling?”

“Better now” You answered honestly, but it wasn’t necessarily what he was looking for. Mickey didn’t press the question further.

“I missed you like crazy Jesus fucks y/n” Mickey said, noticing the foul glance of the security guard, but he didn’t care. He had to wait a week and a half until you were aloud to see people. Your lips curved into a small smile.

“I told them to let you come earlier, I did, I told them” Mickey chuckled slightly at your certainty.

“I tried to to, but uh… I had a lot of…” Mickey looked around at all the guards again. “Other ideas of seeing you but Gallagher crew told me that kinda shit wasn’t cool” You laughed a little. But you laughed. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard you laugh.

“Can I say hi?” Fiona asked, and you’d read her lips through the window, nodded.

“I wanna say hi to Fi” You said to Mickey, and he nodded, hesitantly handing the phone to her instead. His hand fell from the window, and you bit your lip, curling your fingers into your palm before placing your hand back in your lap.

“Heya y/n” Fiona said cheerfully. You could tell by her paled features and the dark crescents under her eyes that she’d been barely sleeping. It broke your heart, knowing you were the cause of her pain, of all their pain. She held Liam at her waist, and set him to his knees on the table.

“Hi Fiona, hi Liam” You waved at the boy, wiggling your fingers and giving a playful, but fake smile to the boy. He giggled ecstatically, putting both hands on the glass window and pressing his face against it.

“Come on this side n/n!” He said, his grin too big for his face. Fiona held the phone by his ear so you could speak to him.

“I can’t right now, but I will real soon okay buddy?” He nodded, and you put your hand against the glass where his little one was. He slapped the glass, as though to high five you, and you did it too. He did it again, and soon it was a game of who would stop first, both of you rapidly slapping your palm on the window.

“Hey! Hey l/n! Security!”

In seconds, your game turned into a nightmare, as two large men rushed over to you, and pulled you by your arms.

“Hey!” Mickey yelled, loud enough that you could hear without the phone.

“Let me go!” You squealed, wiggling uncomfortably.

“Let her go! They were playing!” Mickey was fuming with anger. But you were already being shoved into another room.

“I love you! I still love you!” You screamed, body falling limp, as the men literally dragged you away.

Mickey’s heart broke into two, feeling completely helpless, and quite frankly empty. How was he supposed to protect you when you were trapped in here.

“I still love you too” He responded quietly, but you were already long gone.

Fiona was the one to drag him away.

Don’t turn your back on me

or shout as you walk out the door

It was the day. Today. Today was the day. The day.

Mickey straightened the collar of his button down, staring nervously at his reflection in the mirror.

“Why the fuck are you all dressed up?” Carl asked from the top of the bunk bed. He stared down at Mickey with confusion, and a hint of disgust.

“We’re getting y/n back today” Lip said from where he sat on his old bed, already in khakis and a polo shirt.

“And you’re dressed like fuck bags why?” Carl asked blatantly.

“Because jackass we haven’t seen her in a month and today she comes home. She deserves for us to look nice” Mickey spat, and walked out of the room while buckling up his belt. He went downstairs, finding Fiona in her nicest jeans and a blouse.

“We leave in five!” She screamed, and handed Mickey a cup of coffee without a word.

“Pass” He said, digging into the fridge. He pulled out a beer and two minutes later the bottle was empty.

“Breathe” Fiona said gently, noticing the green eyed boy’s leg was jumping wildly on the ground. They’d been sitting in the waiting room for a whole of six minutes. It was weird, him and all the Gallaghers, which included Frank for an odd reason, as well as Kevin and Veronica. All of them dressed to their best, but clearly coming from the roughest of neighborhoods.

“C-can’t” Mickey stuttered back. “I can’t- I-I can’t catch-” He swallowed a gulp of air, which barely filled his lungs. He stared at the door which you were presumed to walk through at any moment.

“Breathe, Mickey. Everything’s fine now remember?” Fiona assured, placing a hand on her shoulder, but he shrugged her off.

“I can’t- I can’t I-I-I can’t breathe”

“I thought I was supposed to take your breath away?” His head snapped up, towards the owner of the voice. And there you stood, in a tee shirt you’d stolen from him ages ago and jeans.

Apparently he’d been glaring at the wrong door.

“y/n!” Everyone cheered excitedly, all rushing up from their seats, but Mickey had beat them, already pulling you against him and holding you tightly. You were crying, silently but prominently. His head pressed against your temple, kissing your cheek over and over. But his moment was soon turned into a group thing, as everyone surrounded you in the biggest group hug you’d ever been a part of. You felt Mickey try to squirm out of it, but you just held him tighter, not wanting him to let go of you.

And he didn’t.

His hand was latched in yours as you all left, flipping off any doctor or guard you passed. And your fingers were still glued together as you got in the backseat of the car. You in the middle of Mickey and Lip. Fiona driving and Carl proudly sitting in the front seat. Debbie and Liam had gone with Kevin and V. You turned to Mickey, smiling brightly, a true and genuine smile, and he returned it, cupping one of your cheeks and stroking your skin softly with his thumb.

“It sucks not having you around” He said, and it was one of the most romantic things you’ve ever heard. You didn’t hesitate to lean up and capture his lips in yours, in a long, and very intimate kiss. In seconds your hands were threaded in his hair, and his tongue was swiping over your lips for permission to enter. This continued until Carl heard you moan, and turned around in his seat.

“Hot” You stuck your middle finger at his face, not wanting to get interrupted. But Mickey had already pulled away, still holding you.

“Continue later?” You asked, and he nodded with a smirk.

“It’s been over a month y/n” He said, tucking your hair behind your ear. “We’ll be continuing for the rest of our lives”

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