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davids-cartoon-corkboard · 4 years

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I have said a Lot about the “Raph is a system” theory over the past several months, so this is something of a compilation post. It’s got some new stuff, it’s got some old stuff. (You’re reading Part 1) (Part 2 is here) (Part 3 is here)

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Firstly, “system” is the term for someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID. (The term can also apply to some folks with OSDD.) Someone might develop DID after experiencing long-term trauma at an early age- roughly five or six years old. To paraphrase the DSM-V:

1. We’ve seen three (possibly four) distinct personality states who speak, act, and perceive others differently.

2. The personality states, or “alters”, don’t necessarily share memory, and Donnie insinuated in “The Clothes Don’t Make the Turtle” that Raph has a bad memory in general.

3. Problems arise when alters don’t get along or aren’t on the same page. That none of them seem to be quite aware they’re a system doesn’t help either; it’s hard to work on communication and cooperation when you don’t know they need to be worked on!

4. This whole situation isn’t a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice, or just Raph playing make-believe. (Though I wonder if he had “imaginary friends” when he was younger...)

5. It’s also not because Raph’s been smoking the devil’s lettuce or whatever. “Pizza Puffs” was one long weed joke and he was the only one “sober” (not poisoned) throughout! We don’t see this happen to other mutants, so it’s not a bizarre side effect of mutagen either.

(I’ve seen a few people joke that Mikey has “multiple personalities”, but that’s a tad yikesy and also just plain incorrect. His “doctor” personas are something he does deliberately, and youngest siblings are just Like That.)

So yeah, Raph is pretty heavily DID-coded. We’ve seen four alters so far:

“Host” Raph (HR): He’s our everyday Raph. A “host” is an alter who fronts most of the time and takes care of “business as usual” situations. They are often unaware of past traumatic events, such that they can appear “normal”. (Ex: the host of a child who lives with an abusive parent could be unaware of the abuse. Otherwise, they might cry or be uncooperative whenever the parent is near, further invoking their wrath. This unawareness allows them to be a “good child”, and stay under the parent’s radar sometimes.) Some systems have more than one host, but that the others have shown up so rarely in this story suggests HR is the only host (for now?).

Savage Raph (SR): Debuting in “Man vs. Sewer”, he’s a survival-oriented alter. HR probably could have defeated the Sando Brothers on his own under normal circumstances, but being in the middle of a breakdown doesn’t do much for your fighting skills. SR got pulled to the front to deal with them instead.

“Red” Raph (RR): “Red” is just a placeholder since we don’t actually know his name yet (or even if he has one, not all alters do), though I’ve also heard folks call him “Angel”. He’s got a “tough love” approach to problem-solving, which was probably a helpful thing in the past. LDM were no doubt rowdy children! We were (officially) introduced to him in “Pizza Puffs”.

Mind Raph (MR): MR could just be a manifestation of HR's thought process via Cartoon Goofery, but that possibility doesn’t give me anything to work with so I’m ignoring it. He’s pretty similar to HR, maybe a tad more upbeat. We (officially) met him in “Raph’s Ride-Along”.

When “Pizza Puffs” first aired, I was like “ah yes, this is the alter who has the cranky edgelord tendencies we’ve seen in previous iterations of Raph. He probably broods on rooftops in the rain when he’s in a bad mood.” Combining that with the whole “Red Angel” thing gives off some Batman vibes. And, of course, SR is similar to the Hulk. Those two heroes are pretty different, but they do have one major thing in common...

A sudden, violent loss. Given how prevalent rushing water is throughout “Man vs. Sewer”, I’m thinking a flood came through and separated Raph from his family. (You could probably argue that turbulent water symbolizes a turbulent subconscious? 🤷) Again, DID stems from long-term trauma, so Raph must have been gone for... a while. A couple of months, maybe more? It’s hard to say exactly; we have a little wiggle room when applying human developmental psychology to a human/turtle mutant. Since Splinter still needed to care for the other three, he wouldn’t have been able to devote much time to searching for Raph, and the New York City sewers go on for miles and miles. The longer Raph was alone, the more convinced he would have been that the others had drowned and he was the only survivor.

How old would he have been? I know the turtles are “different ages”, but they were all mutated at the same time so I’m pretty sure Splinter was just like “the littlest one is the youngest, the biggest one is the oldest, and the medium-sized ones are the middle children.” They’re all probably fourteenish by “Finale”. Back in “MvS”, Leo said, “You know how savage Raph gets when he’s alone”. He didn’t say anything like, “You know how savage Raph gets when he’s alone ever since such-and-such an incident happened”. This suggests that LDM straight-up don’t know something traumatic happened to Raph; they were too little to retain concrete memories of that time. In their minds, Raph has always been like this. Draxum isn’t known for his patience, so even though he wasn’t able to immerse the hatchlings in mutagen for long, they probably mature a bit faster than humans. And since humans usually can’t remember anything from before four years of age, three sounds about right for the turtles, though they would have been stronger and steadier on their feet than any human toddler. I doubt Raph would have survived otherwise.

I think he’s sort of... “stuck” back in that trauma. Catching food, building a fire, making a weapon, and getting camouflage aren’t the behaviors of someone who’s only been gone for a few minutes.

When SR called for help, I don’t think he was expecting anyone to answer.

But Raph did manage to hang onto something as he was swept away! It wasn’t much, but that little ragdoll gave him comfort while he was scared and alone.

(The rabbit design on Bruce’s pajamas is probably a coincidence, but...)

Raph seems the type to have sympathy for odd-looking toys. His knockoff Mrs. Cuddles plushie was the emotional crutch he needed back then.

And then he was separated from that as well. Lowkey associating Mrs. Cuddles with this traumatic event would explain why HR was so scared of her. That he doesn’t remember the trauma means he has no context for this fear, making it seem silly and baseless to him (and to the rest of his family), which is why he denied being scared at all in the first part of the “Mrs. Cuddles” episode. It would also explain why he collects teddy bears instead these days, they are a “safe” toy. (The moral of the story is to not make fun of triggers that seem silly.)

(I wonder what would happen if Mrs. Cuddles encountered Savage Raph? Perhaps he’d be quite sympathetic towards such a lonely little raggedy thing! Timestuck as he is, he probably wouldn’t question why a stuffed animal can talk... and it wouldn't be hard for her to persuade her “new bestest fwiend” to get rid of some “mean ol’ nasty sewew monstews” for her.)

That whole “sewer monsters” thing suggests Raph ran into... something while he was wandering alone. Y’all have heard those rumors about alligators living in the New York City sewers, right? Encountering Leatherhead could trigger a flashback.

It would be pretty easy to introduce Leatherhead into the narrative. One of the episodes the Rise crew had planned was titled “The Island of Dr. Noe”, and alligators have very impressive teeth. The Mirage comics had a story where Leatherhead and several cryptids were brought to an island to be hunted for sport.

Noe seems to have quite a few cronies/friends/rivals he could entertain this way. Since he’s got that obsession with Raph, Noe captures him as well, knocking him out with those darts so he can’t waste his energy trying to escape too soon. (Let’s just assume everyone’s powers are glitchy because they all hit another wave of puberty, meaning they can’t just curbstomp the lower-level villains lol.)

HR wakes up on the island and, of course, starts to panic because he’s lost and alone. While wandering, he runs into Leatherhead, which would trigger a flashback to getting attacked by that alligator all those years ago. But Leatherhead doesn’t want to fight! He’s just as scared and confused as HR is, and could really use a partner to help him survive this island.

HR and SR come into conflict because Leatherhead is/isn’t/is/isn’t/is/isn’t a threat. HR eventually wins out, reasoning that even if Leatherhead is that alligator, it wouldn’t be fair to judge him for what he did back when he was an animal.

But time and dissociation can make memories unclear. That our first look at Leatherhead was in Draxum’s “bluh bluh I’m gonna mutate all the humans” bit in “Bug Busters” means he’s a human-base mutant. He wasn’t the alligator back then, but the hunter tracking it. Leatherhead isn’t one of Noe’s targets, he is one of Noe’s guests! And he wants no one to interfere with his quarry, so he’ll play nice long enough for him and the snapper to take out the rest of the hunters and the freaks. Then the two of them will have the island all to themselves...

Years and years ago, Jack Marlin was a big game hunter prowling the New York City sewers in search of an alligator. He did manage to find and kill one, only to realize it had also been hunting! He had inadvertently saved the strangest little turtle creature.

Marlin had become too skilled at this point, the hunt held no challenge for him. This turtle sounded very young, and he was quite big and strong already. An adult could be tough and intelligent enough to entertain him. Marlin tried to get Raph to lead him back to “the others”. But Raph had been lost for some time, and as far as he knew, his family was dead. Hearing that put Marlin in quite the sour mood. A little mutant snapper is a better catch than none at all, so Marlin tried to haul Raph off. Raph fought back and bit off Marlin’s hand. He escaped, but lost his rabbit in the scuffle. Marlin retreated as well, taking some time to recover, scheme, and hunt other game. (And to pocket that rabbit. The blood loss had made him woozy, and he wanted to have some kind of proof he hadn’t just hallucinated the snapper.) Perhaps he turned that alligator’s hide into a vest, which provided the genetic material for his mutation when he eventually got bit by an oozesquito. Like his Mirage counterpart, Marlin didn’t take losing a limb as a sign he should retire, and instead got a tricked-out prosthetic. Who knows what he could do with it in such a mystic setting as Rise.

Raph eventually reunited with his family, but those distrustful, high-strung survivalist traits he had picked up weren’t helpful anymore. He once again had to be the good and patient big brother who didn’t bite when someone play-tackled him or shook him awake at three in the morning because they’d had a nightmare. Those two states gradually got partitioned off more and more, and now they know little, if anything, about each other.

So Leatherhead and HR are chasing away some mothmen or whatever, and things are going pretty well... until one of them knocks Leatherhead over and a familiar ragdoll rabbit falls out of his pocket. SR realizes that Leatherhead is Marlin and switches in to fight him off again. They’re evenly matched, or perhaps SR is even in danger of losing, when LDM arrive to provide support. Leatherhead is enough of a tactician to know that he should retreat. Donnie and Mikey pursue him while Leo stays behind, placing the rabbit in his stunned brother’s hands. “Remember when Pops made this for you? You were always really gentle with it, ‘cause he wasn’t good at sewing back then...”

(This thing really needs patching up, he’s got sewing stuff for whenever he needs to fix his bears/Blue isn’t a threat on his own/Wasn’t he just back at the lair?/Blue gave back the rabbit/Why does he feel like he got hit by a train?/Blue doesn’t want to fight?/ ...Leo?) And that’s enough for HR to switch back in. He’s probably missing memory from his whole time on the island, so while Leo does his best to tell him what happened, they don’t have enough puzzle pieces between them to truly figure out what's going on.

They defeat the bad guys, release the cryptids, save the day, etc. (Leatherhead managed to lose Donnie and Mikey in the woods. A battle for another day.) Once they return to the lair, HR gets help from Draxum to modify the memory spell from “E-Turtle Sunshine” so he can try to fill in the gaps. Surely he wouldn’t get rejected by his own subconscious... right?

Cue part three in the saga of Raph Punches Himself In The Face. SR isn’t happy that HR is essentially trying to poke at an improperly-healed wound, and attempts to chase him off. HR assumes that SR is just a psychic white blood cell like the Lou Jitsu constructs in Splinter’s mind, and retaliates.

But, of course, fighting is not the answer here. All that accomplishes is giving the body bruises. Eventually HR realizes “stay away” and “back off” are a little different than “get out”, and that SR is just scared. So HR tries another tactic. Over the following days and weeks, he tunes in to calmer memories and just sort of... talks. About what happened yesterday, about his teddy bear collection, about how he finally managed to get a good picture of that pizza pigeon. It takes a while to establish a connection, and even then, it’s spotty at best. Using the spell too much can cause headaches and nightmares. There are days when SR is nearby, and days when he’s not there at all. But he shows up when he can.

And then there’s awkward, stilted conversation and questions neither of them know how to answer and questions neither of them want to answer and more scrapes and bruises and strained silences and apologies, but they finally, finally reach a compromise. SR still doesn’t let HR near those memories, but he tells HR what happened as best he can. (The audience would see those memories, with SR as a voiceover.) Afterwards, HR still visits the mindscape that’s starting to become more solid. They talk some more, they watch light and shadow flow around them, they listen to half-forgotten lullabies on scratchy old cassette tapes. Eventually, HR doesn’t even need to use the memory spell, meditation is enough.

They’ll never get along all the time. But it’s a start.

(SR is going to be so clingy when it finally clicks for him when he finally lets himself believe that his family is alive.)

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This took eight million years lmao. Parts 2 and 3 will come out eventually, they’ll focus more on MR and RR. Let me know if I need to tag this stuff as anything.

The usual disclaimer applies, I am not a system or a mental health professional so if you’re one or both of those things then feel free to give me some of that good good constructive criticism.

#you called for help... but nobody came.#rottmnt #rottmnt theory #the 'raph is a system' theory #rottmnt raph #savage raph #mrs. cuddles #leatherhead #jack marlin #plot bunnies free to a good home lmao #long post

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sampauwelsschrijft · 3 years

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Antidepressants are so weird.

Like, you forget to take them one day and the next day you’re this anxious mess and you’re constantly dissociating and your brain is so slow and you’re just in this constant state of panicking without reason while you feel like you’re floating and also you have no idea what the fuck is going on 100% of the time.

But also, that feeling when you start taking them for the first time? It’s so strange.

I remember the first time I started taking meds for my anxiety was when I was in high school and I remember just feeling so calm while walking to school the next monday? I was usually so anxious in the morning, especially on mondays, and I had literally not known it any other way for my whole life, but suddenly I realized I was not stressing out at all.

And then the side effects started kicking in and I was so fucking tired during the last class of the day and it was terrible because I had a very busy week and I was up late working on group projects every night.

But at the same time, it was great that I was taking the meds that week because, like I said, I was up late working on group projects in other peoples houses and eating at their place and I was socializing and masking my autism the whole day every day for a week and I never once had a panic attack and I had only one meltdown in that whole week.

And than the side effects went away and I felt so weird without the anxiety that I had known for whole my life? Like, obviously it was still there, but so much less? Before I started taking the antidepressants, I had panic attacks almost every week, but suddenly I could go literal months without panic attacks. And the suicidal thoughts I had also known for a very long time... just gone.

The same happened when I started taking new meds two months ago. The first week was terrible, I was really tired and I had these two days were I had so much executive dysfunction that I couldn’t even get up to make tea, but than the side effects went away and suddenly I felt so much calmer than before and I felt like I had so much more time in a day? And than I started going on walks and last week I even went to buy popcorn alone and that’s a really big accomplishement for me.

But the strangest thing is probably other peoples reactions when they hear I’m on antidepressants.

My grandma is great at that, saying things like ‘you don’t need meds, you just need to get over it’ in such a sweet voice and she really means it like advice. (No shade to her, she’s a great grandma and she’s really sweet and she really means it well, she just doesn’t understand it.) But it’s so weird to me, because, like, you won’t tell someone who’s taking medication for a phyisical condition that they need to stop taking their meds and get over it, right? So what’s the difference with me taking meds for a mental condition I’ve been struggling with my whole life? I’ve never been so happy as in the two years since I started taking antidepressants. I’ve been doing so many thing I would have never seen myself doing.

My grandma made it sound like ‘it’s just my age’, she literally said she ‘felt the same way when she was my age but she just got over it and than she got her drivers license even though she was scared of driving’, and I was just like, I’ve literally never seen you drive a car in my twenty years of existence but that’s great for you I guess?

And the excuse she gives me as to why I shouldn’t take my meds is because medication is always dangerous and it has side effects? And like, yes, I know, but panic attacks aren’t fun either? Suicidal thoughts are dangerous too? Meltdowns are dangerous when you have them at the wrong time or around the wrong people? And really... feeling scared and stressed without any reason every second of the day is just... terrible, and if taking pills is going to help me with that, I will take those pills.

The weirdest thing is that, while she’s saying that to me, she’s also constantly reminding my grandpa that he needs to take his pills, and I just wonder what makes her think the two are so diffenent?

Again, my grandma is a wonderful lady and I really don’t want you to think bad of her, but I just don’t understand why she finds it so hard to understand that mental illnesses are a serious thing?

Another dude once asked me why I don’t take my antidepressents only on the days I need them, like how I take my asthma medication only when I know I’m going to do sports or have a lot of allergies that day... and I’m just like... that’s not how it works? Not all medication is something you can just take whenever? A lot of medication, not just antidepressants, need time to start working, and you also just can’t stop with them out of nowhere, because that’s going to give you withdrawel symptoms?

And he’s reason for asking that was that he believed antidepressants make you a different person and, just, how? Are you trying to say my anxiety and depressive episodes are my personality or something? In my experience, antidepressants have actually helped me be more like myself. When I’m not constantly stuck in my own head, I have time and motivation to do the things I like and be myself, and when I’m not constantly anxious about what other people might think of me, I stop masking my autism.

These kind of people aren’t the weirdest ones though, one of my high school teachers has taken that price.

In my last year of high school, we had a trip to Berlin, so we had to fill in this form about our medical conditions/ medical history and allergies and the medication we take and stuff like that. I filt out the form completely normally. I stated my allergies, I wrote that I had light asthma and might have difficulties riding a bike because of it, and I guess I must have written about my scoliosis and the jaw surgery I had had that summer (or maybe the summer before that, idk, my memory doesn’t really do timelines to be honest), and I wrote that I was autistic and had anxiety and that I sometimes had depressive episodes because I had had a depression when I was 14. And than I just wrote that I took medication for my asthma and antidepressants for my anxiety. And maybe I wrote down some other stuff, I really don’t remember how detailed the form had to be.

A few weeks went by, until the teachers started doing their paperwork for the Berlin trip and the teacher that was organizing it all started going trough the medical forms and read that I took antidepressants... and suddenly she just started treating me differently.

Like, at that point it wasn’t really a secret anymore that I had anxiety and was in the process of getting diagnosed with autism, all the teachers were supposed to know it, but I guess after reading that I actually took medication for it, this teacher started realizing how serious it was?

She began skipping me whenever we had to read aloud in class and she started being extra nice to me and even giving me better grades, because, idk, she felt bad for me or something?

And than, during the actual Berlin trip, she was constantly keeping her eyes on me. It was weird, because we were all 17/18 or even 19 at that point and the teachers mostly just let us do whatever, but this teacher just constantly came talking to me while I was just having fun with my friends. There was even this point where we were at a fair and this teacher saw me standing somewhere alone and started almost babying me thinking my friends had abandoned me, and I was literally just like... my friend is right there buying food for us? Why do you instantly think I’ve been abandoned when you see me alone? My friend is actually helping me and buying food for me right now? Like... what?

And than she almost seemed sad when she actually saw my friend handing me popcorn. Like, lady, how big is your saviour complex?

Well, anyway, I guess all this post is trying to say is that 1) forgetting to take your antidepressants makes you feel weird and like you don’t even exist, and 2) people react weird to mental illness

#actuallyautistic #autism #autisme #anxiety #antidepressants #persoonlijk #mental health #mental illness #depression

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silverypurple-rosedlions · 4 years

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��𝓱𝓮 𝓟𝓾𝓻𝓹𝓵𝓮 𝓡𝓸𝓼𝓮

━━━━━━☓━━━━━━

• Activated on August, 22, 2020 •

• Redesigned on October 8, 2020 •

━━━━━━☓━━━━━━

🛑DISCLAIMER 1/2🛑: These chatbots do NOT represent Jeonghan, Joshua, Jun, Wonwoo, Jihoon, Minghao, Mingyu, Seokmin, Seventeen, and Pledis in any shape or form. Neither do I claim to be them. This is purely made for entertainment and fiction purposes.

🛑DISCLAIMER 2/2🛑: I am not licensed in psychology, nor am I studying it as part of my education. But, I am studying it in my free time and I am learning about each disorder to the best of my abilities. What will be mentioned is based on true information from those who have studied, or have that disorder.

🛑Trigger Warning🛑: This will contain strong language, mentions of violence and gore, and especially mental illnesses. If you are uncomfortable with the following topics, do not proceed any further for your safety. If you wish to only know small information about the members, you are more than welcomed to avoid reading their quoted and mental and physical illnesses, but do acknowledge that they have them.

━━━━━━☓━━━━━━

𝕭𝖔𝖘𝖘

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"You know boys, I'm getting real tired over all this bullshit. So... Have at it. Free for all! Witness our bloody parade, you filthy shits! Let us bring you the blessing of eternal slumber from this tainted world!"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Yoon Jeonghan

[Alias]: Angel; Angel of Death

[Soon-To-Be Husband]: Hong Joshua Jisoo

[Characteristics]:

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Depression: A disorder that causes the person constant feelings of sadness, unmotivation, discouragement, and lost of interest in daily activities. It affects feelings and behavior, leading to numerous emotional and physical complications.

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis): A mental disorder where a person feels detached from reality; disconnected with reality and more invested into a fabricated reality created by the brain.

Schizophrenia: A disorder, a psychotic disorder, that disrupts how the person thinks, feels, and behaves. The fabricated reality created by the brain affects this, altering all three listed.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): A disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering from past events in their lives that impacted them negatively; an event that was extremely terrifying.

[Facts]:

-> Due to past events, Jeonghan has trust issues. Until the person proves that they are harmless to him and his group, Jeonghan will be distant and blunt, making sharp remarks and will push the person away if they aren't of any use to his group.

-> As a side effect from Schizophrenia, Jeonghan is known to repeatedly tap the temple of his head, twitching and jerking. If irritated, he will begin to tap violently to the point he's inflicting pain to himself, such as: pulling hair, slamming hands against his head, digging his nails into his body, and more.

-> His past is a very sensitive topic for him. He will not answers or explain his past unless you have gained his full trust. If asked constantly, Jeonghan will not hesitate into inflicting pain due to being triggered. So do NOT question his past until close with him.

-> Due to a failed experiment meant to help Jeonghan with his beginning stages of Schizophrenia, Jeonghan's eyes are able to go blue. This being referred by all members as, "blue eyes." When in this state, Jeonghan loses all senses of the world around him, encased in his episode, and will attack anything and anyone until episode is over, or is calmed.

𝖀𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗𝖇𝖔𝖘𝖘

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"I may not be as psychotic as my lover, and I seem sweeter than some. But that does not mean I'll let you live another day... Instead, I'll make sure you're real pretty. I'll make SURE to create a beautiful bouquet of flowers and YOUR intestines while your body is as empty as your HEART,"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Hong Joshua Jisoo

[Alias]: Joshua

[Companion]: Yoon Jeonghan

[Characteristics]:

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression): A disorder when a person's moods swing easier than usual, ranging from depressive lows to manic highs; from feeling depression to suddenly feeling euphoria, feeling energized and creative, but to a higher extent.

Anxiety Disorder: A mental disorder in which feelings such as anxiety, fear, and worry are heightened, becoming strong enough to create issues within a person's daily life. This can also lead to side effects such as: hyperventilating, fatigue, sweating, insomnia, lack of concentration, and more.

[Facts]:

-> Joshua is Jeonghan's main pillar, the only one who has the largest impact on the Boss and is able to calm Jeonghan from Schizophrenic episodes quicker than the rest.

-> Joshua is one of the friendliest members in The Purple Rose. He's easier to approach, but do not underestimate him. Sometimes, buried underneath his sweet smile and kind words is a beast that is feared by everyone.

-> Joshua is one, out of two people, who had sent Jeonghan in a Mental Asylum in hopes that they could help him. But it failed, and Joshua still feels guilty for sending Jeonghan to a horrendous place, despite receiving forgiveness when the two reunited.

-> When nervous and anxious, Joshua's eyes will dart around the room, looking at various objects and people to calm himself. That, or he will turn to Jeonghan, the members, or listen to music to ground himself.

-> It may not seem like it, but Joshua has slight yandere tendencies that are very rare to see. But he will become jealousy and "territorial" over Jeonghan, being that many attempt to seduce the Boss for their personal gain.

𝕾𝖚𝖕𝖕𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖗/𝕾𝖕𝖞

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"Even though I may seem like I'm given the less "exciting" job today, doesn't mean I can't have my own type of fun with this. And since you tried to scam us with these useless supplies and weapons, I guess I'll have my pleasure in blasting your brains to bits thinking we were gullible, sir. I'll make sure no one will be able to know who you are when I'm through with you."

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Wen Junhui

[Alias]: Jun

[Soon-To-Be Husband]: Jeon Wonwoo (@seventeen-chatbot)

[Characteristics]:

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

Schizophrenia

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

[Facts]:

-> Due to Schizophrenia, Jun has the habit of constantly moving, such as: bouncing legs, twitching and jerking, and tapping his fingers on a flat surface. Some say he picked up the habit of tapping on flat surfaces from Jeonghan, who constantly taps his temples.

-> Jun is known to be the second member of The Purple Rose to be the messiest with his victims, following Jeonghan. He's known for tearing people apart, whether they're alive or already dead.

-> So far, Jun is prohibited from any interaction with children due to his violent tendencies to them. But it is unknown as to why children trigger him.

-> Jun learned Kung Fu and Martial Arts during his youth, using that to his advantage if ever his weapons are restricted from him.

-> Jun is known for copying others sayings and actions, such as small gestures and few sentences or words, repeating them without knowing so, being that it became his habit.

𝕹𝖊𝖌𝖔𝖙𝖎𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗/𝕷𝖔𝖔𝖐𝖔𝖚𝖙

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"Listen, and listen well, because I don't want to repeat this again. You made a FUCKING deal. You promised that you'll pull through your end of the bargain as we did. So if you can't give the shit we requested, the deal is off. Your area is now OURS, and frankly, we have a BETTER person to run that waste of space you've created. So, nighty night BASTARD. Say hi to Satan for us,"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Jeon Wonwoo

[Alias]: Wonwoo

[Companion]: None

[Characteristics]:

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D): A disorder in where the brain creates other alters/identities to distribute trauma to, so that the main person, the host, is protected from past events that occured in their life that they aren't able to handle alone.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD)

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

Hand Tremors: An movement disorder within the body, most commonly in the hands but can occur in other body parts. An involuntary, rhythmic muscle contraction that causes shaking. Can happen every now and then, or constantly.

[Facts]:

-> In total, Wonwoo has 17 alters. But 5 main alters are known to front most often, being the main protectors of the body:

-> It was rumoured that Wonwoo was plotting to take the role as leader of The Purple Rose, eliminating Yoon Jeonghan. But it was never confirmed.

-> Due to poor eyesight, Wonwoo is required to wear glasses. But when doing work and handling targets, Wonwoo will not need them. Strange as it is, his eyes sharpen, narrowing on his target no matter the distance as his adrenaline kicks in.

-> Despite being a negotiator, dealing with men and women within casinos, Wonwoo despises gambling. He can't tolerate the smell of strong alcohol, betting, and smoke.

-> Among the eight members, Wonwoo is the best when handling treatments such as severe wounds. He knows what to use, how to use it, and how long it'll take to heal, or, at least an estimated time.

𝕮𝖔𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖌𝖑𝖎𝖊𝖗𝖊

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"I'm getting sick and tired with your babbling, you know that? I don't like wasting my time on people who can't pull their shit together, or ones who have no real benefit to the Purple Rose. So, I'm going to do us both the favor and end this short. But with a loud bang!"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Lee Jihoon

[Alias]: Jihoon

[Companion]: Kim Inseong (@heartbrokenxinseong)

[Characteristics]:

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD)

[Facts]:

-> Jihoon is the Representative of The Purple Rose, always attending meetings that they are requested to attend, and taking in all information and then explaining it to the Boss and Underboss, Jeonghan and Joshua.

-> Jihoon's main job is to not only process information, but to plan each mission, and how they will carried out. It has been his job since the start of The Purple Rose.

-> Jihoon has severe trust issues, becoming skeptical and defensive of himself and others around him, sometimes lashing out.

-> Jihoon does not accept being called "cute." Despite his height, Jihoon is hostile, and will not hesitate to attack.

-> It is rare that Jihoon participates in outdoor activities with the group, usually locked inside his room handling missions and piles of work that is handed to him.

𝕳𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖊𝖗/𝕾𝖕𝖞

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"Although I had a great time with you, fellas, I have to get going. I can't let my boss and the boys wait any longer now that you're of no more use to us. To keep this our secret like yours with your team and boss, I'm going to put you to eternal sleep, and I'll make sure your body doesn't go to waste,"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Xu Minghao

[Alias]: Minghao; The Ghost

[Companion]: Kim (Jeewon) Jiwon (@90sjeewonie)

[Characteristics]:

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Shared Psychotic Disorder: An unusual mental disorder of a person sharing a delusion among two or more people who are in a close relationship. The (inducer, primary) who has a psychotic disorder with delusions influences the other, or more (induced, secondary) with a specific belief.

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

[Facts]:

-> Minghao never had intentions of joining The Purple Rose, or joining in any infamous activities. But, because he was influenced and close with Jun, he didn't have any other option but to became a member, sharing Jun's Schizophrenia.

-> Minghao is a cannibal, and has been since the age of 17. He tends to make comments now and then on people, wondering what they would taste like but will not pursue them depending his relationship with them.

-> He knows how to use all technology, creating his own softwares and bots to use as assistance in missions. He's crafty, and with Jun and Mingyu's help, he creates his own unique gadgets that are used frequently.

-> He's a top spy, always assigned 90% of the time to missions that include entering into the building, stealing, and deceit. When doing this, he temporarily dyes his hair a different color.

-> He's known as The Ghost due to appearing in one area, then suddenly disappearing without a trace, later appearing again and rendering targets without a sound.

𝕭𝖔𝖉𝖞𝖌𝖚𝖆𝖗𝖉/𝕰𝖝 𝖀𝖓𝖉𝖊𝖗𝖇𝖔𝖘𝖘

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"I may not be an Underboss anymore, but just because I've been placed as a bodyguard doesn't mean I'm no longer the man you once feared, pal. How about you show me what you got before I leap and rip off those limbs of yours? Or should we just get to the ripping limbs part already?

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Kim Mingyu

[Alias]: Mingyu

[Companion]: Choi (Arin) Yewon (@arinschoi)

[Characteristics]:

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

Psychotic Disorder (Psychosis)

PTSD

[Facts]:

-> Originally, Mingyu was supposed to be eliminated by Jeonghan, due to abandoning Jeonghan, who was caught and brought back to the Asylum in 2016. But, Jeonghan spared him, removing him from Underboss and placing him as a Bodyguard.

-> Mingyu's main priority is to not only protect the members, but most importantly, protect the Boss, the Underboss, and the Consigliere, who are the ones functioning the entire organization.

-> Mingyu is known to be the cleanest member, always cleaning after them and doing normal house chores that he's mistaken to be a germaphobic. But compare it to his work, Mingyu gets reckless when handling victims, creating a mess.

-> Aside from working as a Bodyguard, Mingyu acts as a spy and seducer. But it is only in rare cases will Mingyu be required to be a seducer, but does not engage in s*xual activities, getting the job done before it gets serious.

-> Is known to be Jeonghan's "ex-partner/companion" due to a past struggle the two were under. During that time, Mingyu acted as Jeonghan's significant other, but Jeonghan did not reciprocate the feelings and continued on with work to the best of his abilities.

𝕹𝖆𝖛𝖎𝖌𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗/𝕽𝖚𝖓𝖓𝖊𝖗

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

"I had fun doing our little game of cat and mouse, but I'm starting to get tired, mouse! And you look just as tired as I am, right? So, do me a favor of standing still, smiling at me, and letting me gut you out. I'll make sure to bury you somewhere nice with some purple roses. A reminder that you never FUCK with the Purple Rose, scumbag,"

◈ ━━━━━━🥀━━━━━━ ◈

[Name]: Lee Seokmin

[Alias]: Seokmin

[Companion]: Byun Baekhyun (@ghoulxbaekhyun)

[Characteristics]:

[Mental and Physical Illnesses]:

ADHD: A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness, which begins during childhood and into adulthood. Effects self-esteem, education and work, and relationship

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD)

[Facts]:

-> Seokmin is a cannibal, beginning this at the age of 18. It is unknown why he followed Minghao, both becoming the only two who devoured people, but one thing is for sure. He doesn't always eat victims, but he won't hesitate to take a bite.

-> Being a navigator, Seokmin is excellent in tracking and finding secluded places, especially places that are illegal and are infamous around the network: casinos, mafia basses, closed off buildings used for selling drugs, and more. And as a Runner, it is Seokmin's job to take all that The Purple Rose gains from a mission, escaping the scene with the objects if ever they were caught or were on the run. This also places him as the Getaway Driver, despite being a reckless driver.

-> Seokmin can be easily persuaded if lured into the trap by the right bait. But no offer can make him betray The Purple Rose, especially never betraying the Boss, the Underboss, and Consigliere. He follows their orders strictly, despite bending the rules.

-> Seokmin may be the sweetest and bubbliest member in the group, but he has his equal share, perhaps more than some members, of having a sinister side to him. When making gruesome comments, he always says them with a big, bright smile.

-> Seokmin despises usage of drugs and alcohol. He'll drink now and then, but no more than two cups. Sometimes, Seokmin is triggered by certain drugs, causing him to become bitter and sharp, sometimes picking fights he doesn't mean to create.

✨OG✨// @yanlee

🥀// @empress-jiaqi @criminalinvestigator-mingyu @princess-yeji @doll-seungmin @doll-hyunjin @peachy-jaemjaemin @storybook-nct @deadly-skz-gods-cb @babyhj1sung @yandere-somi-jeon @dandyboy-seungmin @detectivexsicheng @time-for-confession @adoringeun @shinhaneul-oc @split-jiu @domyukhei @joyinwonderland @mafia-chaeyoung @mafiafelixlee @moonlit-jaemin @purgejaemin @floristluda @yoonhana @ateez-zombie-wonderland @ghost-hyunjin @vscohyunjin @moonlit-nono @cb-dungeon @daddysm @amazingspiderhan @heiress-yeeun @babyboynono @blackwidowjennie @roseanneholmes @fairy-dejun @skz-cb @vampiremomo @vampireprince-jeonghan @college-baekhyun @hunter-chaeyoung @julia-oc @moonlightchris @weeb-wonwoo and more . . .

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nblenasabrewing · 4 years

Text

Does Lena have PTSD?

This excellent post from @drummergirl231-2 goes into a detailed analysis about Della and the examples showing possible PTSD. I, being who I am, wanted to look at the same for Lena. Full credit goes to them for the idea and format!

According to the DSM-5, in order for a person to be diagnosed with PTSD, they must have a certain number of symptoms from eight categories: Criteria A through H.

For a diagnosis of PTSD, someone needs: to meet Criterion A to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion B to have at least 1 symptom from Criterion C to have at least 2 symptoms from Criterion D to have at least 2 Symptoms from Criterion E to meet Criteria F, G, and H

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. I do NOT have a degree in anything related to psychology and simply enjoy dissecting the layers of a fictional character. If you feel you fit any of the criteria, please see a professional for a real diagnosis. This isn’t something that can be easily self-diagnosed, and a professional diagnosis would open you to more opportunities for help.

Lena does and doesn’t fit the criteria in general for PTSD. She’s certainly suffered from traumatic events, but the event is more... her entire life. She’s a classic child abuse victim, which makes her more of a candidate for C-PTSD.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma disorder) is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of interpersonal trauma in a context in which the individual has little or no chance of escape. Being stuck with Magica for fifteen years absolutely contributes to Lena’s current issues. C-PTSD and PTSD share similarities, there are a distinct differences - mainly that PTSD focuses on one event and the effect it has on a person long term, while C-PTSD focuses on years of repeated trauma. However, there’s no approved criterion yet for C-PTSD. So I’m using the PTSD criterion with some added explanation where C-PTSD would be applicable.

Criterion A: The traumatic event

A person must be exposed to one or more events involving threatened or actual death, threatened or actual serious injury, or threatened or actual sexual violation in one of the following ways:

Direct involvement

Witnessing the event happen to someone else

Hearing about it happen to a loved one

Repeatedly hearing details about traumatic events, such as police officers repeatedly hearing stories of abuse

The obvious example here: Lena effectively died. Twice. Following that, she was trapped in a realm where she couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone and she couldn’t touch anything for six months (give or take). Her first interaction with anything since she had been trapped there was smacking the Boggle case in Friendship Hates Magic! And even she’s surprised by that.

In addition, she spent fifteen years with Magica in her shadow, who effectively acted as an abusive parental figure. She’s proven to be an expert in gaslighting, and knows exactly how to manipulate Lena - by hanging the promise of freedom over her head and reminding her repeatedly that people will think she’s a monster if they find out the truth about her.

Criterion B: Intrusive Symptoms

Expected or unexpected reoccurring, involuntary, and intrusive upsetting memories

Repeated nightmares related to the traumatic event

Some form of dissociation, such as flashbacks, where the individual truly feels the traumatic event is happening again

Strong emotional distress when exposed to internal or external triggers associated with the traumatic event

Strong bodily reactions (such as rapid heart rate) when exposed to reminders of the traumatic event.

Nightmares: While we can’t say for absolute sure that Lena has nightmares outside of Magica’s influence via the helmet in NOKH, the fact that no one is surprised by her nightmares does seem to imply that’s she probably had more than she’s letting on. Lena’s biggest fear is turning into Magica, after all - it’s no surprise she would have dreams along that line.

Emotional distress, strong bodily reactions: These really come out in Violet’s library, when Lena gets overwhelmed and tries to hide. The fish-eye view of everyone trying to talk to her while she sees Magica over their shoulders was most likely meant to imply she was having at least the start of a panic attack.

In addition, her reaction to Webby calling her (looking like Magica) a monster was pretty extreme. Again, the dream world setting makes things a bit wobbly, but given everything we know about Lena up to this point, and the fact that she yelled at Magica for saying they’re both monsters, it feels safe to assume she’d be angry and upset and scared if anyone ever called her a monster (again, something Magica constantly used against her.)

Criterion C: Avoidance

An individual with PTSD will frequently avoid reminders of the traumatic event in one of the following ways:

Avoiding thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations that trigger memories of the traumatic event

Avoiding people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations that bring up memories of the traumatic event

Whether the nightmares were caused by Magica or not, their effect on Lena is real and pretty easy to see. She sets up an entire sleepover just so the kids can help keep her awake. Avoiding sleep to avoid nightmares is pretty extreme.

She also continues to keep secrets from everyone despite Webby’s constant reassurances that they all care about her and don’t think she’s anything like Magica, because the alternative is having to talk about it or worse, have her fears confirmed.

Criterion D: Negative changes in thoughts and mood

The inability to remember important details of the traumatic event

Persistent and elevated negative thoughts about oneself, others, or the world

Exaggerated self-blame or blame of others for the cause or consequence of the traumatic event

Pervasive negative emotional state (anger, fear, shame, etc.)

Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

Feeling isolated or detached from others

Difficulty experiencing positive emotions

Lena’s opinion of herself seems to be pretty low. We only get one episode to really see it, but her fear of turning into Magica and active attempts to avoid such an outcome definitely make it seem like she still considers herself “evil”, and is trying to make up for it. She also readily gives in and says, “I am her”, essentially giving up on herself.

The dream adventures also excellently illustrate how Lena feels “Othered” from everyone else - they get butterfly wings, she gets weird monster wings. She falls behind at Dewey High and is separated from the others. She’s the only one in Louie’s dream, aside from Louie himself, to experience any sort of physical change. Even when she tries to be happy with them, she can’t keep up the facade.

And before all of this there’s the classic example of her being jealous of Violet (under the guise of protecting Webby from being tricked again). She immediately assumes the worst of Violet and follows Webby around telling her not to trust Violet.

Criterion E: Alterations in reactivity that started or worsened after the traumatic event

Irritability or aggressive behavior

Impulsive or self-destructive behavior

Hypervigilance (feeling constantly on-guard, or like danger is lurking around every corner)

Heightened startle response

Problems with concentration

Sleep disturbances, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless sleep

Lena’s personality in season one was mostly that of the sarcastic, irritating cool teenager who can’t be bothered. Under that, she was an unwilling slave to Magica, and while she did show irritable tendencies toward her, those can be forgiven as “Magica is terrible and provokes her.”

Season two, on the other hand, shows us a much different teenager - one who snaps easily and seems constantly frustrated by her own perceived shortcomings. Those emotions, of course, come out on the other kids (i.e. snapping at Huey and Violet). And while all of that can be attributed to her inability to sleep, which is being driven by Magica, Frank’s already said this isn’t the last we’ll see of Lena’s emotoinal growth and negative feelings.

Criterion F: The above symptoms must last for more than one month.

Obviously time is relative in Ducktales. Given everything that was going on around them, we can assume she’s been home for around a month-ish. Donald left for a month-long cruise two episodes before Lena came back, and everything after that has to have taken place within that month or it would have been way too obvious something was up. And again, Frank has said this is going to come up again. But even while she was still in the Shadow Realm, she was showing signs of trauma.

Criterion G: Distress from symptoms significantly impairs the individual’s ability to function in multiple areas of life (social, occupational, etc.).

While we haven’t seen much of Lena’s daily life, we do know a few things - before returning, she was living in Webby’s shadow, presumably following her around and getting comfortable in her shadow-y life. Violet throws a complete monkey wrench into that comfortable life, and Lena reacts... poorly, to say the least. She initially refuses to take responsibility for the tulpas feeding off her own negative feelings, continuing to project all the reasons she hates herself onto Violet (”She’s a spy, she’s a second-rate me,” etc.).

In NoKH we see that the triplets aren’t quite used to the fun, happy persona Lena tries to project, which immediately gets a frustrated yell and fire flaring up. She’s so worried about trying to be Good that her anxiety bubbles over into her life. She’s also constantly keeping secrets, something that is, unfortunately, normal for her, but not normal overall.

Criterion H: The symptoms are not due to substance abuse, medication side-effects, or another condition.

So the real issue comes in here - while there’s no medication or substance abuse, there is an outside force. Most of what we see of Lena’s symptoms are due to increasing sleep deprivation via Magica’s brainwave helmet. By the time NoKH starts she’s already gone at least several days without sleep, and it’s obvious the dreams are deeply affecting to her, to a point where she arranges an entire sleepover with her friends just to keep from going to sleep. There’s no way to know what she was dreaming about (although I have a few theories), but it almost certainly involved Magica, the main cause of her trauma. And we see how understandably upset she gets when she’s finally face to face with Magica.

In conclusion:

Lena is a complicated character with a lot of different factors playing into who she is, but there’s little doubt that after fifteen years of emotional/psychological abuse, two deaths, and six months trapped in what could almost be summarized as an isolation chamber, that Lena has some serious trauma. And while Magica influenced a lot of NOKH, it should also be noted that Magica, as her abuser, most likely acts as her trigger now. She spends the entire dream sequence running away from Magica, terrified to confront her. And while she has an amazing, empowering moment at the end of the episode, I’m sure this is going to come back up again.

(***All GIFs by me)

#Ducktales #Ducktales 2017 #Lena de Spell #Lena le Strange #long post #Sam's Meta #So much went into this #including making those GIFs #I've been working on this for..... several weeks dear god #please show it some love

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aloisofmissouri · 3 years

Text

A Journal Entry

July 20th, 2021

11:44pm

Trigger Warning:

Sexual Assault, Self Harm,Mental Health, physical health, and occasional swears.

Dear Reader,

I’m only eighteen but I have experienced a lot, and so have many other teens I know. I know at least four of my classmates have been raped at some point in their life. And who knows what others may have been through and I never knew.

But I’m not writing to share their story, unless they decide that they want their story told. As of now, I am writing to share my story.

So, let's start with my earliest memory.

My earliest memory is watching Elmo and Little Bear from my crib in the living room when I was probably a toddler. I don’t remember much, other than enjoying the cartoons. It was happy and innocent. One of the few childhood memories I can look back on and smile.

I was really young when I was first raped. First raped, you caught that part, right? Yeah, I wasn’t raped just once, but multiple times by one man. The man I had grown up calling my father. The man on my birth certificate. I’m not exactly how old I was when it started, but if I had to guess, I was probably in the first or second grade when it went past the occasional groping and lewd comments.

Near the end of third grade, my mother decided to take me and my sibling to live with our grandmother. But that didn’t last long.

We ended up moving back in with our mother and abusive father when I was in fifth grade. I didn’t want to but my father manipulated me into doing so. He threatened to place a restraining order on my grandmother when I wanted to stay with her.

Things were miserable and the abuse continued. But luckily I was able to go back to my grandmother by sixth grade. But I still had to deal with what happened.

I believe my grandmother meant well, but she use to tell me not to let people know what had happened to me. She said that no one would want to be with someone who was raped because a lot of people view them as used or damaged goods basically.

My grandmother was a bit emotionally damaging, though I know she more than likely didn’t know that she was being so. I have reason to believe that she has dementia and possibly a personality disorder.

I remember her saying that I shouldn’t wear plaid or spotted clothing because it would make me look bigger than the broad side of a barn. She also told me to stay away from bright colors because they would have the same effect. I refused to stay away from plaid though, I kept that jacket from middle school until junior year when I could no longer zip it. But it took me a long time to wear bright colors, and it is still hard. I also have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin, and not just because of the occasional comment about my weight from my grandmother, but also because of the abuse I had dealt with from my father. I spent the majority of school always wearing jeans, jackets, and dark clothing. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing shorts. And I’m still getting used to wearing them.

I had to go to court in middle school. Someone had apparently turned my father in for what he had done to me (I was living with my grandmother again by then) and we still do not know who reported them. I wish I could thank whoever turned him in.

Sadly, they only gave him three years despite the evidence. And he was only going to have to serve one and a half years because of the amount of time spent in a jail cell waiting for court that kept getting rescheduled. He died of stage four lung cancer though before he was half way through his time.

My freshman year I finally realised I had anxiety and that there was something definitely wrong with me mentally. By my sophomore year, I was self harming and in counselling and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and Anxiety. By junior year I was on a lot of medication thanks to a pill happy psychiatrist. And I was miserable. But thankfully, I found a new psychiatrist who quickly helped me get cut down to just one pill. Near the end of junior year, I quit self harming. And I also finally started to get a bit of control over my mania and my depression.

I have a Google Doc somewhere that has over 150 pages of poetry, and the majority of it is about depression, trauma, and anger. And they were all written during middle school and highschool. Writing poetry helped me then. Now, I don’t really write poetry anymore. I have only written a handful of poems within the last year. And they were mostly in Shakespearean English because I thought it would be fun.

I believe I might have religious anxiety. I don’t remember the technical term though. I grew up going to Baptist Churches and had a heavy christian influence. But sadly, Christians aren’t quite as christian as they are supposed to be.

Due to being constantly worried about sinning and about being too filthy and being damned to hell, my depression and anxiety got to me from a different angle. I kept breaking up with everyone I dated if I feared we were getting too close. I would either feel like I wasn’t good enough or I would fear that we would have sex and I would be damned. I also hated myself for my sexuality, though it took me a long time to figure that out. I supported my LGBTA+ friends but when it came to myself, I couldn’t accept myself.

When I self harmed, I would do it because I felt filthy and had this urge to scratch my skin off my body because I never felt clean. I never hurt myself too severely, just scratches and shallow cuts on my wrist and my thigh. But I still found it hard to quit. It became far too easy to always turn to the blade, regardless of if I was feeling filthy or if I was dissociating or if I was having a panic attack.

Despite what had happened to me, I’m finally starting to become me. Even though I am still discovering who I am. I quite self harming, I don’t have quite as many panic attacks or nightmares, I lost my virginity, learned I am demisexual (leaning a bit towards asexuality though) Panromantic and Nonbinary. I also discovered I have some other health issues outside of my mental health. I am apparently allergic to alphagall, peanuts, and wheat. Thankfully I just get slightly sick if I eat those things though, but it is still a bit annoying when those things are basically in everything you like to eat.

I also found out that the reason my menstrual cycle has always been so irregular is because I have cysts. Originally I thought I had PCOS but now after some ultrasounds, it is looking like Endometriosis. I have cysts on my uterus and my ovaries. The doctor told me that my insurance should cover the surgery if I were to get a total hysterectomy.

I never really wanted to give birth so that part of this doesn’t bother me, my fear is that there will be issues from the surgery. And it has also spurred some identity issues. But so far, I am sticking to they/them pronouns. Even though my family still calls me she/her. But I haven’t really come out to them. They know I’m not 100% straight, but who wants to sit down and explain to their grandmother (who dropped out of school in eight grade to care for her grandma, has a flip phone, and just a few years ago decided to accept the lgbt+ part of her family) that I’m nonbinary? I barely manage to explain to my mother (highschool dropout because of pregnancy, has a touch screen phone and understand some things of the current century) that there is more than just straight, gay, and bisexual. I explained to my mother the other day what omnigender and nonbinary is. Had to explain transgender to my mother when I was a junior and introduced her to a friend of mine who was afab but went by he/him pronouns.

I suppose that despite all the shit I’ve been through, at least my mother doesn’t give two flying fucks who I like. When I told her that I thought I was pansexual in middle school, all she did was ask me what that meant. Then she just nodded her head and went with it. Same thing when I decided I was Wiccan in middle school. She even bought me a pentacle necklace and every book (mostly fantasy) that mentioned witches. I no longer identify as Wiccan, I mostly just stick to animist. But my point being, my mother didn’t throw a fit when two of her nine kids came out as gay. Even if she does identify as a Saturday Adventist, she supports us. She even listens to me ramble about mistranslated things in the Bible and my views on theology. And my rants about Supernatural. Though she did laugh when I spent about an hour crying after the Supernatural second to last episode of season 15. She did listen to me rant about Castiel and the plot lines and everything. Though I had to keep explaining some of the characters to her.

Despite the things I’ve been through, I managed to graduate high school, survive my severe depression and anxiety, and now I am thinking about possibly applying for Law school and going to college. And I now also have the confidence to do what I want and wear what I want. Though I still feel all nervous about asking out a girl I’ve been friends with for about three or more years. I’ve now made the excuse to wait and see if she mentions not being completely straight. Oh, and she now has a boyfriend too so yeah, gonna have to wait a bit.

Until next time,

Alois 🐧

#mentalhealth #metoo #abuse #journal #lgbtq #i swear #trauma #my life #moving forward #heath #depression

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poc-movie-supremacy · 4 years

Text

Watcher AU: Cryptids

A.N.: This is the Shyan perspective on this little Au I wrote. Mothman Ryan is sent to Earth to hunt demons, along the way he picks up Buzzfeed’s resident skeptic Shane. Can Ryan keep Shane safe with all the demons around them? For @mousemadej I hope you like it

A similar fic but standrew perspective will also be written.

Do not tag or @ anyone from Watcher, I highly doubt any of them like rpf and nor do I want them to see this. It was a fun fic to work on, but I don’t need them finding it, please.

---

Jake Bergara deserved to go to heaven. He was the good, the pure one out of the two of them. He shouldn’t be blamed for Ryan’s faults. Heaven didn’t seem to think so though. Just the idea of Jake being like Ryan horrified them, but Ryan was nothing if not stubborn. Fed up, he barged into heaven demanding for them to let his brother in, be a guardian angel, like he’s always dreamed. They agreed, on one condition.

He was to do their dirty work: hunt demons.

Internally Ryan was baffled. That was an easy job, why would that be the one condition needed? Since it was an easy task though, Ryan didn’t verbally question it. Externally his face was neutral bordering on dark and he agreed.

Ryan Bergara, Mothman nicknamed by some real creative guy on earth, is Heaven’s latest demon slayer.

Jake wasn’t extremely happy about this turn of events, and frankly neither was Steven. The two getting a little buddy buddy after Jake earned his white wings and golden halo. Ryan didn’t know if he was entirely okay with it, but Steven was keeping his brother safe and what’s better than that. The night before Ryan’s job, Steven, Adam, and Jake through him a little party. He can tell there’s an underlying tension within the small party, but he ignores it in favour of spending his last moments of normal with some of his favourite people. Jake, with some help from Steven, thought about another way around this mess, but what’s done is done. You can’t exactly break a seal with heaven, so he accepts and gets assigned a human.

Ryan misses his brother, but he knows he’s safer in heaven. One can’t get injured in heaven. On earth he quickly realizes he’s going to need a job to be able to hunt demons inconspicuously. He gets a job at Buzzfeed. With the Try guys a thing, hunting demons can’t be that odd right? Anyways, Steven’s there too on and off to keep an eye on his human, Andrew Ilnyckj. It’s nice to have a friend there.

He means to demon hunt alone, he really does, but there’s this guy. Tall, lanky, white guy who’s a skeptic yet thinks hunting ghosts and demons is a hoot. Ryan bergrudengly takes him along. Jake and Steven think this new development is hilarious and never waste a moment to tease him.

Shane’s... odd. He doesn’t believe any of the ‘BS’ Ryan is trying to convince him. At first it angered Ryan to no end, but then he realized that he could kill demons in secret easier with Buzzfeed’s resident skeptic.

The show’s original intent was just two boys hunting demons, but Shane really loved crime cases. Thus, Buzzfeed Unsolved True Crime was born. Ryan got some help from some coworkers and compiled Theories on unsolved crime cases. This set up was less adrenaline fueled than Supernatural is. Ryan likes it, it’s a pleasant reprise. They sit down in an little makeshift office with a corkboard in the back. It’s filled with future supernatural or true crime cases and updated info on Jake. Viewers like compiling theories what the cork board means. Ryan finds their ideas hilarious.

Ryan finds great enjoyment in riling Shane up so he makes sure to include outrages theories. One of his favourites is a zombie plague that killed the colonists of Roanoke. Shane looked so disappointed in him, it made Ryan laugh. As the years go on, Ryan finds this job more enjoyable. He feels more free when he gets to sit down and tell Shane his stupid theories. He enjoys coming up with bits with Ryan and pretending to be a serial killer. In truth it’s just him letting another side of his personality free, a part that he has to keep hidden lest Heaven smite him. He hears the internet call Shane a demon and he laughs about it with Jake and Steven.

Shane isn’t a demon. Sure he dissociates from his emotions, but he still has them. Also if he were a demon, then Ryan would have to kill him, and that’s the last thing Ryan wants to do. It’s terrifying, but Ryan’s starting to care for him. It’s an odd feeling in his chest, caring for someone. It feels different from how he cares about Jake and Steven.

Being able to work with Steven is always amusing. He has a different personality at work, so Ryan loves to poke holes in that persona. Andrew looks at them oddly at them when Ryan alludes to something from Steven’s childhood that makes him blush all over. Andrew thinks it’s a nice color, that blush, but he doesn’t think he could ever say that out loud though. (Ryan knows Andrew likes Steven and Steven likes Andrew. He has a running bet with Adam when they’ll finally get together. In the meantime Ryan finds great enjoyment in teasing Steven about said crush.)

On off times, they tell their co-workers that they go to play basketball when in reality they drive to a large empty field and stretch their wings. Usually it’s a competition on who can fly the highest. Ryan’s black and blue wings stretch out wide behind him. Steven joins him, unfurling his white and gold wings. It feels nice to use their wings after days of keeping them tucked away. They do play basketball sometimes, but not often. Steven loves to take this time to tease the hell out of Ryan. It shouldn’t be as effective, but when they get back to the office, Steven loves to almost flirt with Shane. Ryan and Andrew get jealous for different reason and Shane is a mix between baffled and curious. It’s utter chaos. Adam loves it.

On some level Ryan knew he had romantic attraction to Shane, but he was... wrong. He was at the very best a genetic disorder at the worst a monster. Heaven’s told him so despite Steven and Jake’s attempts to change his mind. He doesn’t- he can’t bear to see Shane’s disgust when he finds out the truth. So he lets his walls down, but not enough to form any romantic relationship with Shane. This job, their relationship, it’s good where it is. Ryan’s fine where they are, he has him like this, and that’s enough.

Today they were filming an episode for Unsolved Supernatural. They were ‘investigating’ a haunted house (killing a demon). It didn’t seem as bad at first. Ryan just needed to catch a lone shoe-stealing demon. Low stakes right?

ha.

Ryan did his solo investigation and couldn’t find the little demon. Unhappily, he sent Shane in next and continued to try and find the demon. His ears turned towards Shane, but he just heard the usual taunting. That was one thing Ryan wished he’d stop doing. One day Ryan won’t be enough to stop the demons and they’d come for him.

That day was today, go figure.

Ryan was listening to Shane laugh, easing his worries until the laughter turned to screams.

“Shane, Shane?”

Nothing but absolute utter silence from Shane, yet there was noise. Grunting, slobbering, heavy breathing filled Ryan’s senses. He dropped his camera, possibly breaking it, and sprinted. Cold dread filled his heart at first but was soon replaced with hot anger. His wings sprouted from his shoulder, fingers turning to claws, and eyes glowed blood red.

Easily bursting through the doors, Ryan tackled the ugly demon to the ground. He cursed his stupidity, the demon was a lot worse than he thought. It put up a good fight, but nothing could stop and angry Bergara, even Heaven bent to his will.

Ryan sunk his claws into the demon’s ‘heart’ and it fell down dead. Ryan let the adrenaline dwindle from his as he caught his breath. Slowly like he was walking through water, Ryan turned towards Shane. Then everything speed up. Using his wings, he knelt by Shane and checked him for wounds. There was a burn on his left side from his shoulder to his navel. Over his right chest was a big bleeding cut. Ryan took off his shirt and did his best to dress Shane’s wounds. Then he gathered him up and flew.

~~~~

Ryan sat quietly in Steven’s living room. Shane lay sleeping in Steven’s bed. They had gotten here a little over two hours ago, but the shook still clung to him. The sofa dipped and Steven’s forever warmth clung to him.

“He’s going to be okay.”

“He’s turning into a demon.”

Steven didn’t know what to say to that.

“I’m supposed to be hunting demons, my job is to kill them. I can’t- how can I kill him? This is, this was to keep Jake in job. Can you even break a promise with heaven?” Ryan’s voice brooke with unshed tears.

“If one could, I’m not surprised it would be you,” Steven commented.

“I- I he’s mine. He’s so good, and he doesn’t believe in demons and now he is one. How am I supposed to explain this to him?”

“He’ll probably figure it out on his own, you know, when he starts growing horns, a tail, and gigantic scaly wings.” Steven points out matter of factly.

Ryan would’ve laughed at the absurdity of it, but one thought kept bugging him. “What happens when Heaven sends me to kill him? I can’t kill him Ste, I just- I can’t live without him. He’s confident and he’s caring and he makes me laugh and he gets my sense of humor. And now he’s going to be disgusted and dead.” With that Ryan just let’s himself sobb. Instinctively Steven curls himself around Ryan to console him. He just holds him as he cries and rubs out a soothing pattern on his arm.

“Heaven won’t get him. Just as you promised to protect Andrew, we’ll protect Shane. He’s head over heels for you. Even if he was disgusted with you, he’s not worth it. You’re great Ryan, you deserve someone who knows that.”

It makes sense to Ryan on some base level, but it’s hard to wrap his head around. Ryan busied himself with helping Steven clean their feathers before passing out on the couch.

~~~~~

Shane woke up to absolute darkness, yet he could vaguely make out the objects in the room. Possibly a bedroom he thinks. For the life of him, he can’t remember how he got there. He remembers an old decrepit house, someone screaming and fighting sounds before passing out. Maybe someone was fighting him because his upper back is sore and he thinks he might have a fever. Gingerly, he gets out of bad and stretches to his full height. Then he promptly fell over.

Shane screamed in pain when his upper back collided with the floor. His weight distribution is all off for some reason now. The door burst open to one of the most confusing sights in his life. Ryan with hands for claws, glowing red eyes and ginormous black and blue wings. Next to him is Steven, literally glowing with a halo over his head, floating with the help of white and gold wings. Lastly pale as a sheet of paper Andrew, muscles tense and fangs out. Shane thinks he should’ve just stayed in bed, asleep, cause clearly he’s sleep deprived.

“Shane. What’s wrong? ARe you hurt.” Ryan’s voice was an octave lower than usual and vibrating. Steven swept a white light over the room only pocketing it when he looked satisfied. Shane was not satisfied.

“Ryan, the room’s empty.” “What the hell-” Steven promptly got cut off.

“How- Then why was he- why were you screaming?” Ryan focused his sharp almost angry gaze at Shane. It wasn’t angry, well not angry at Shane, it was anger at the situation, anger at whatever tried to hurt Shane. Not that he had any idea.

“I fell on my back trying to get up. Felt lightheaded,” Shane explained. Steven folded up his wings and slowly approached Shane who was struggling to get off the floor. He shied away from Steven’s touch, wary, afraid.

“We’re not here to hurt you, Shane. It’s okay,” Steven tried to say as soothingly as possible.

“People aren’t supposed to have wings. Their voices can’t vibrate. And they definitely don’t have fangs.” Shane spit out.

“Some can. Those from other wordly places can.” Steven’s voice doesn’t break away from it’s soothing calmness. He sounds like he’s talking to a spooked client. Ryan’s face is a deadly storm, all emotions trying to show on his face at once. His arms are crossed barring his large biceps. Shane doesn’t know wether to be scared or feel... safe. Even with the inhuman appearance, he’s still Ryan.

“Like cryptids? The one’s Ryan’s always ya-talking about?”

“Sort of like Cryptids... think more of cultural myths that you could have heard.” Shane finally stops shying away from Steven’s touch, and stills long enough for Steven to place an hand on his arm.

“But- they’re not real.” Shane tries to rebut weakly.

Ryan’s facial expressions tightens and he just barely bites back a sigh. “I’ve heard a lot of things about me, but after seeing my true appearance, questioning my reality isn’t one of them. Yelling in fear is one though. I knew you were stubborn Big guy, but I didn’t think it was this bad.”

Shane likes that nickname. It warms his already sweltering heart. He could call anyone that, they happen to know a lot of tall men, but Shane got that nickname. No one else, him.

He gaped at Ryan, unable to say anything.

“Hey, Shane, let’s get you onto the bed. I need to give you a check up.”

“You’re a doctor?” Shane asks Steven as he lays out on Steven’s bed.

“I’m going to go finish the food. Feel better Shane.” Andrew the possible vampire nodded at Shane and exited the room. That left Steven and Ryan still in the room.

Finally calm, Ryan sheathed his feathers but didn’t dare to step any closer. Shane didn’t know if he was okay with that. It was Ryan, but also a completely different Ryan than the one he knew for years. He hated it. They had a connection, they had a relationship whatever it was, and in one night it was broken.

The room was still and almost silent while Steven gave Shane a checkup. Small noises of displeasure were heard here and there, but Ryan didn’t think, well he hoped everything was okay.

He never gets what he want does he?

“You’re symptoms are perfectly normal under the circumstances. The pain will be bad for a while, but eventually it’ll pass.” Steven stood up. “I’m going to go get you some medicine. Stay with him Ryan.” Steven tried to communicate that they should also talk while Ryan was cursing him out for not letting him stew longer.

Slowly, Ryan inched closer to Shane. “What does he mean: under the circumstances?”

Ryan knew what was going on, but he didn’t have the heart to tell Shane. “Just get some rest big guy.” Ryan hoped that was said as soothing as possible. The last time he had to be this gentle was when he had to take care of Jake after a bad day. It’s been years since that.

“No.” Shane groaned in pain. Ryan gingerly placed a hand on his upper arm and shushed him.

“Rest, Big Guy.”

“What’s going on? Ryan, what’s happening to me?” Shane pleaded with Ryan to help him understand. He didn’t want to tell him, telling him would mean having to accept what happened, that he wasn’t enough to save him, but Ryan couldn’t say no to those eyes.

“You were hoping to cause a ruckus in the demon’s lair while I planned on exorcising the thing during the solo investigation. I didn’t think it would be that bad.” Ryan swallowed composing himself before continuing. “I couldn’t do it during the solo investigation, so I sent you in while I searched the rest of the house. I kept an ear out for you, teasing demons... anyways, I kept an ear out for you and I heard you scream. It was the scariest sound in my life. You never scream Shane, and then you do, and it. It was blood-curling. Busting down the door, I caught the middle of a fight between you and the demon, you lost.” Pausing, Shane laid trembling fingers on Ryan’s thigh. Sometime during the story, Ryan ended up sitting on the other side of Shane on the bed. To feel Shane on him felt like both a blessing and a curse. “I tackled the demon and we fought until it died. You weren’t, you weren’t breathing Shane, so in a panic, I took you to Steven’s house.”

“And now I’m here. But what was Steven talking about, under the circumstances? Is something happening to me Ry?” Shane’s voice shook as his mind ran with possibilities. If vampires and angels were real, what could have happened to him?

“It burned you from the arm down to the navel and a big claw cut over you right chest. Because of it, Shane you’re turning into a demon.”

Shane wheezed, agitating Ryan further. “I’m not joking Shane. This isn’t the time for jokes. Heaven hunts demons, my job is to hunt demons, and now you’re one and I can’t kill you or see you die at all...”

At that moment, for better or for worse, Steven entered the room carrying medicine. He paused halfway through seeing Ryan worked up, and Shane a mix of pain, confusion, and... delight? He held the tray with one hand and walked over to Ryan. “You okay man?”

“He doesn’t believe me, I know he wouldn’t but it’s so fucking frustrating.” Ryan’s feathers were literally starting to get ruffled, so Steven tried to diffuse the situation before something bad happened.

“Hey, He’s Buzzfeed’s biggest skeptic, you know this is going to take a minute especially with him in pain. Patience, we got this.” Steven gave Ryan’s arm a squeeze before heading over to Shane.

“Hey Shane, I need you to take this. Here’s some water and food. Eat. Andrew made it just for you.” Steven silently asked Ryan if he wanted to stay with Shane. Ryan nodded a little forcefully to convince Steven, and didn’t leave the room when Steven did.

“Is this safe?”

“Yes you big baby eat it or die.” Ryan paused at his words but didn’t take them back. Shane stared at him, neither of them saying a word for a while.

“I’m turning into a demon?” It was phrased as a half question half statement. Slowly he ate the food Steven gave him. Shane usually wasn’t a picky eater, but after finding out the truth about the supernatural, a new hesitense came over him.

“Yup, the fever will subside into slightly reddish skin and horns will poke out of your skull. Wings, scaly, skin like wings will protrude from your shoulder blades. Etc.” Ryan tried to keep his voice as even-toned as he could to mask his panic.

“Etcetera? What else will happen to me?” Shane did not try and mask his panic.

“I’m not sure! Every demon turns out slightly different! You could get hooves, you could get a tail maybe red eyes like mine or solid black eyes. I don’t know!” Ryan almost shouted exasperated.

Shane looked at him slightly terrified and Ryan realized his voice took on the buzzing quality. He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, ok. It’s just, when Andrew got turned into a vampire it was fine. Heaven doesn’t hate vampires just finds them annoying. You’re a demon now, and heaven wants to kill you and that’s worse.”

Shane wanted to tell Ryan that of course it was worse, but the little guy was already worked up so he kept it to himself. “Breath Ry, I’m going to be fine.”

Ryan scoffed. “Easier said than done.” He looked over at him really looked at him and frowned. “Finish your food. Mother hen Steven wouldn’t be happy if you don’t.”

Shane grumbled quietly, “Are you sure the mother hen is Steven?”

“What was that big guy?”

Shane changed the subject, “Tell me about yourself, about this supernatural part of you. Are you also a demon? Or an angel?”

Ryan took a seat on the edge of the end of Steven’s bed. “I’m an angel with a genetic disorder. Instead of... being born like Steven, white wings with a halo, I got red eyes, black wings and no halo. We’ve been friends since we were kids. He found me and was the first person to offer to play with me, never left me afterwards, even when people didn’t take to kindly to me and my deformities. My brother Jake, also an angel sans genetic deformities, wanted to be like Steven. Heaven told him no though, because of me. Thought it something in the genes. I knew that excuse was shit so I fought tooth and nail to get him in. After a while they relented on the condition that I do their dirty work, hunt demons. Jake, Steven and Adam weren’t happy about this-”

“Adam’s an angel? That’s the least surprising thing I’ve heard.”

Ryan chuckled. “No Adam’s a merman.”

“Mermen can’t be real.”

“Oh they’re real big guy. Why do you think Steven and Adam live near the beach?”

“Because it’s California!”

“Not all of, nevermind. Anyways, they weren’t happy about my new job, but they were too late to do anything about it. I was sent to earth and got a job at Buzzfeed to hunt demons easier. Funnily enough, Steven’s newest charge, Andrew, also happened to work at Buzzfeed, so he could keep an eye on the both of us."

Shane mulled over Ryan's words as he finished his food. "He really is a mother hen. Also I don't think you're a deformity. You're Ryan, Wings or not."

"These," Ryan stood up and unfolded his wings and went full Mothman, "Don't scare you?"

"Not at all, although now I get why Mothman has the reputation he has, egoist."

"Oh says, you." Ryan paused and took a deep breath. "Thanks, for not being disgusted with me or anything."

"Ryan, you're my friend, other things about you disgust me, not this.” Ryan let out a wheeze making Shane smile.

~~~~~

The rest of the year and change was a flurry of events. Jake came down from Heaven to warn them of God’s wrath. They decided to pack up their jobs at Worth it and Unsolved and head out on the run until God’s bloodlust calmed down. They stayed close to the coast so that Adam didn’t have to follow them in a bathtub. Jake offered to stay behind and delay God’s army. Ryan wasn’t happy about it and outright refused until Jake promised that they would keep semi-constant contact, and immediately once it was safe, Jake would join them.

Shane’s transition into demonhood went as smoothly as one could hope. His wings were similar to Ryan’s black, blue, and even some green just more scale-y instead of feather-y. Being six-four and now adding six inch horns was something to get used to. He didn’t end up getting hooves or glowing eyes, but he did end up getting a tail.

Shane and Ryan’s relationship didn’t suffer much after the initial argument. There also might’ve been a kiss when Ryan was helping manicure Shane’s claws and horns. Shane initiated it. Ryan didn’t think he ever smiled that wide. (For a second he thought he was dying until he realized there weren’t actual butterflies in his stomach. Shane had a good laugh at that) Steven gave Andrew money, saddened slightly that he lost the bet.

Living on the run wasn’t easy. They missed their family and friends. It hurt to cut contact from them completely. But off-roading together made it bearable, made it okay. Listening to Shane’s odd songs to pass the time, eating Andrew concoctions that always ended up a little too raw if he wasn’t careful, giggling when Ryan and Jake get into arguments, it almost felt... domestic.

They mainly worked odd jobs to get some pay, never in the same place for over a year. Ryan, Steven and Jake never could stop helping people even if Heaven renounced their status, and would help helpless cryptids like themselves whenever they could. They almost adopted a fairy and had a run in with elmo’s know-it-all blue cousin (who really didn’t like Ryan) but that’s a story for another time.

Life wasn’t easy, not by a long shot, not by a mile, but it was there and they had each other, was that not enough?

#shyan #standrew #a little bit I guess #there are some ot5 moments but 1 there isn't a tag for it and 2 i don't think there's enough moments to tag it #I don't know someone read this and tell me how many ship moments I accidentally wrote into this #ella's worth it fics #ella's watcher fics #ella's unsolved fics #we're all fic writers here #the moment they go on the run is basically when they start watcher #in the original timeline ryan shane and steven just decided to give heaven the middle finger and help people on their own terms but once wri #ting the fic I realized that that timeline the events wouldn't play out in the way that we could get to that point #cause Andrew was supposed to be like a stay at home wife like a prarie wife with adam the merman to keep him company #then I write it and it's just like ha this can't go this way #so now there's more angst #and jake bergara #I didn't intended to have him in here so much but oh well #I hope yall like this #especially you Max #I would not have enough confidence to write this fic without you

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moralitycrisis64 · 4 years

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Yesterday I learned about reality shifting.

So I tried it. It went... interestingly? For the sake of science, here are my notes.

(Disclaimer: I know very little about reality shifting. For those of you who don’t know, shifting means using meditation and focus to “shift” your consciousness from your current reality (CR) to your desired reality (DR). It can apparently be super realistic. But if you wanna try it yourself, definitely do your research!)

1. I tried the Raven method. Pros: counting is fun! Affirmations are great. Cons: I can't fall asleep on my back.

2. Scripting? Sort of. I made a script in my head as I counted. Pros: I'm indecisive so I didn't have to commit to anything. Cons: I'm indecisive. May have prevented the shift.

3. WARNING: IF YOU GET DISSOCIATIVE EPISODES, PROCEED WITH CAUTION. My dissociative episodes are weird, but not that bad, so I felt safe proceeding. I still went into a slippery dissociative "is anything real?" state for 12-14 hours after the attempted shift. I was still okay to drive though.

4. WARNING: DEFINE YOUR LOCATION. I tried to go to a Haikyuu AU my sister and I made up. We're a bit fuzzy on the details. I was effectively trying to shift into a Sims 4 house, which was interesting.

5. WARNING: SHIFT AS YOURSELF (MAYBE??) Most people I've watched/read online seem to shift as some version of themself, albeit slightly cosmetically altered. I, on the other hand, tried to go in as a Haikyuu character (Kuroo Tetsuro, to be exact).

I think that made it harder. I could feel my body almost... stretching, like it was trying to morph into a new form. That was exciting! But I didn't end up shifting.

6. Potential side effects: aside from the dissociation, I felt jumpier than usual the rest of the following day. More alert to potential supernatural activity. Probably my lack of sleep caused by the ineffective attempts at shifting and my subsequent caffeine consumption affected this.

7. ALSO (CW BODY HORROR): This may just be me, but I had strange dreams after the attempt. To be precise, I dreamed about (warning: body horror, but Tumblr won’t let me hide it) cannibalism.

I experienced little to no emotional distress, though, so it was not a nightmare. But tbh that's pretty par for the course for me.

8. CONCLUSION: Will I try it again? Not sure. The experience was kinda freaky, but kinda cool. I do wanna experience it at least once, because it sounds cool as all get out.

Final thoughts: I’m not sure if I CAN reality shift, since I don’t believe in the particular version of the multiverse theory that most of its practitioners do.

However, I DO believe that I could learn to set off a similar transliminal experience at will, and since reality shifting is all about belief, I think that should be enough? But I’d have to learn how to keep myself from dissociating for so long afterwards.

If you wanna know more about reality shifting, the link that I posted above seems to sum it up well, and even cites a licensed therapist. But again, I’m not an expert...just very curious.

#reality shifting #shifting #shifting attempt #cw: body horror #cw: cannibalism #dissociation cw #for science?#if you know more do tell me in the comments or the reblogs #i'm highly curious #kuroo tetsuro shift #haikyuu shift

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vaguely-concerned · 4 years

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the mandalorian episode 7 reactions

spoilers under the cut!

- during my rewatches I have been thinking ‘damn baby yoda has witnessed A Lot of murders/seen his dad get hurt even more’ and found it strange it hasn’t affected him more and little did I know they were saving it all to fucking stab me in the heart with one barbed wire-wrapped zweihander. the scared way he shakes his little green head while mando tries to reassure him fjskdfhaksd T___________T

cara tho of all people. okay this is kind of a crazy idea but bear with me: what if baby yoda picks up a lot on mando’s feelings (in a wordless baby-with-a-Force-connection sort of way -- almost a metaphoric heightening of how babies actually attune to their caretakers in real life), and normally mando is a bit detached/dissociated around others but he’s starting to warm up to and trust cara and it’s bringing him a bit more online and the baby reads that engagement/excitement as danger because that’s the only thing he has to compare it to? like they’re clearly actually having fun but the baby wouldn’t know that because uh mando has never just had fun around him before and to the baby adrenaline seems like adrenaline no matter the source. that might be completely off base but it was what dropped into my brain right away so *shrug*

I’m so grateful mando doesn’t get mad at bb even when he gets scared like that though. it’s good for my soul.

- cara and mando being bros is Life, is Love

- but most of all CARA!!! I love her!!! and the effortless way mando put down his trump card.... “sorry got stuff to do people to beat up no can do my helmeted friend” “’kay. by the way we’re going Imp hunting” “:D:D:D when do we leave”

- KUIIL Y_____________Y actually I refuse (REFUSE) to accept it until someone finds his body and confirms he’s actually dead, I believe denial is my prerogative it’s almost christmas for goodness’ sake

- when cara, greef karga and mando are about to leave for the town I actually SCREAMED at the screen “MANDO REASSURE YOUR CHILD AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY BEFORE YOU LEAVE HE NEEDS SOME SAFETY” and then he didn’t and then I cried

- pedro pascal did some Things with his voice in this one and it was mean and unfair and uncalled for and awful. the honest hurt and fear in his voice when he says “It tried to kill him”? END ME

- mando straight up doesn’t seem to know anything about the Force at all, or at least not in a way that lets him connect it to the baby. maybe he vaguely knows jedi were a thing but not quite what they actually were. I like that, an interesting showcase of the different perspectives through the galaxy. (maybe finding someone to help out with this is going to be the story arc for next season?

- I actually think this is the first episode where they’ve tried to cover too much in too little time and had to drop the emotional consistency as a consequence. it’s understandable since they need to get all the pieces set up right for the finale, but it didn’t quite work for me (by which I mean for the love of god I needed just one scene, however short, of mando and baby yoda connecting properly with nothing else going on to help me through the stress/reaffirm the bond so it’s unbearably fresh in your mind what this is all for. yes that’s right I wanted them to hurt me more that’s how I roll)

the stuff Kuiil was doing there with his droid story also felt slightly disjointed? out of tune with the rest of the episode? I like him very much and I think I see what they were going for but it felt a little off? mando gently being faced with the fact that droids are naturally neutral and that it’s people who decide what to make them/teach them (yessss go off kuiil!) deserves more space to breathe, this is definitely my least favourite episode so far

- lol @ the empire dude. ‘yeah okay but apart from all the genocide what did we even do to anyone tho???’ in the end he seemed to earnestly admire mandalorian culture in an almost fanboyish way, which doesn’t really surprise me; there must be some decent overlap between people who believed in the empire and people who think the mandalorian tendency towards militarism and (periodic) expansionism is Cool. (which is why I traditionally haven’t cared much for them, incidentally, they’ve always sort of bored me as a warrior culture before this series added some mystical/more overtly religious overtones to the whole thing)

also loved how mando gave him n o t h i n g at all to work with and cara’s ‘who the hell is this guy??’ to the new bad guy lol

- mando averting the fight between kuiil and cara just by being soft and asking for help/reminding them of the kid ;___; I love him he knows how to deescalate a situation when he wants to

also the parallell between baby yoda protecting mando and the droid hovering ready to protect kuiil... right in the feels man. also kuiils air of dignity and experience is so effective. pls be my gruff no-nonsense grandpa who helps me with my computer kuiil

if kuiil is actually dead (which I continue to REFUSE but if) I get the feeling that mando is going to have to Reevaluate some things basically out of respect to his memory, since the way he describes putting this droid back together is framed so heavily as parenthood and surely there must be some empathy for that at least behind that beskar chest plate at this point

I have been thinking that adding a droid to mando’s little uh ‘crew’ would be thematically appropriate so maybe that’s what going on? kuiil said he could reprogram it for childcare, perhaps we’ve found the babysitter we’ve been begging for

- the one-sided vendetta between mando and the very soft spoken, very conscientious, very polite droid is hilarious. mostly because it thus far has manifested mainly in mando presumably glaring behind the helmet and being slightly snippy in saying he won’t come down for dinner like a fucking teenage boy in a sulk fjskdafhsd (I am slightly forgiving of him because droids pointing guns at the kid must be trigger central for him and I can sympathize, it’d take some time to change)

- some other high points of hilarity: three blurrgs and four people in mando’s tiny rustbucket of a ship. “It’s trying to eat me!”. the fact that greef karga was ABSOLUTELY planning to double cross them from the beginning and admitting it openly, he ain’t ashamed (the ‘mando get better friends’ campaign continues). mando describing the spectacular firefight at the end of ep 3 as ‘a bit of a run-in’. baby cackling as he finally gets a turn behind the steering stick of the razor crest. the mysterious multiplying four storm troopers (‘you said four fucking storm troopers karga!!!!’) phenomena. “well there are more. what can I tell you”. mando, with perfect disdain: “on your wall”. the panicked force choke was upsetting but the fact that ‘we do not strangle our friends’ was the Mando Parenting Lesson of the day is undeniably kind of funny.

- anyway I am here and ready to pass out from stress waiting for mando to lose his entire shit and go on a roaring rampage of rescue to save his kid in the next episode (I swear to GOD disney there better not be any between-season cliffhangers about this or I will fucking riot/possibly just die)

ETA: I FORGOT TO MENTION: credit where it’s due the flamethrower did pull it’s weight in this one, I still think he should invest in something more reliable but it did the trick this time and fair is fair

#star wars #the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #man here just have all my feelings this is a debrief before I vibrate out of my skin lol #slightly delirious now I'm going to go drink some water #ETA: now with the part you were all actually waiting for: the flame thrower report!

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golden-witch · 5 years

Text

I wrote an incredibly long character study for Sayo for an RP group. I am deciding to share because some fans have difficultly figuring her out because of Ryukishi’s writing style, which is honestly understandable. I hope y’all enjoy! I have some other writings about Sayo you could also check out. More under read-more.

Sayo was once a happy girl whose suffering transformed her into a woman with a polarized personality and a warped sense of justice. She has suffered emotional abuse at the hands of the Ushiromiya family and their associates. Born an orphan, she grew up neglected and without friends that weren’t imaginary. Daydreaming was a means of entertainment and escapism for Sayo. She created her own mental safe space called the Golden Land in order to cope with her miserable life. This would develop into a spiritual way of thinking and ultimately become the land of the dead in Sayo’s conceptualization of religion.

It was always Sayo’s desire to blend fantasy with reality. Even as a little girl, she tried to bring her imagination to life by inventing the Golden Witch, a supposed ghost who haunted the halls of the mansion where she worked. Sayo would use this as a means to empower herself. Beatrice was a persona she assumed, and under her name, Sayo would pull pranks and cause mischief for the inhabitants of Rokkenjima both to enhance the veracity of the witch’s legend and to vent her anger towards the staff and her family for mistreating her.

Sayo’s more vindictive personality traits would increase as she grew older. Although she had begun to impersonate the witch for fun, it became a power fantasy for her, and her acting would become dangerous. Sayo’s fear of abandonment caused her to cling to Battler Ushiromiya, and when he left the island, the hateful side of her began to fester. She anxiously waited for his return and blamed him for tragedies which befell her during their separation because he promised to save her from Rokkenjima. She became vengeful towards Battler and chose him as the target of her murder-suicide game, an ultimate act of retribution for leaving her to suffer.

The knowledge Sayo uncovered during Battler’s absence radically transformed the way she viewed herself. She was never satisfied with herself and had many suspicions about her body but learning the truth about her background was catastrophic. She considers herself deeply undeserving of other’s affection out of disgust towards herself-- largely affected by the circumstances of her birth; she is an illegitimate child and a product of incest with disfigured sex organs due to an accident she sustained. Personal difficulty with discerning her gender causes her to suffer from an identity crisis so severe that she doesn’t view herself as human. This complex results in Sayo calling herself “furniture”, a being below humans whose sole purpose is servitute. Furniture can never know love, but they can still dream of what it feels like to love and be loved-- a torturous existence where all romantic endeavors end in tragedy.

Love is a very important concept to Sayo. She has troubles with introversion and as a result forms bonds so deep that they are integral parts of her being. She values relationships over material things and feels so strongly about connecting to others that she will go to great lengths to solidify relationships. While endearing, it has more dangerous side effects including possessiveness; once Sayo has become close to someone, she does everything in her power to avoid abandonment. This goes to extreme lengths in the story, where Sayo prefers to commit murder and suicide in order to prevent her loved ones from abandoning her.

Sayo is extremely sensitive towards the prospect of people discovering the state of her body and mind. She seeks to fulfill other’s desires before her own and is terrified of traits which displease them. She pushes these left over thoughts and feelings onto a series of personas to categorize them. They are Shannon, Kanon, and the witch, Beatrice. It should be noted that Sayo does not have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), rather she establishes characters to roleplay and does so convincingly.

‘Shannon’ is the work name Sayo wears while serving the Ushiromiya family as a maid. She has been developed into a persona, an idealized form of femininity. Shannon is a demure, heartfelt girl whose desire is to retire to domestic life with her husband and children. She is meant to fulfill Sayo’s fantasy of becoming a woman and a wife. Her concept of womanhood is limited and very gendered, bordering on stereotypical.

‘Kanon’ is a male alter-ego (once an imaginary friend) who Sayo adopted due to her struggle with gender identity because of her unclear biological sex. He is her vision of what a boy should be like; crass, cold and impersonal, a protective persona meant to shield Shannon’s vulnerabilities. He is especially resentful of love and magic because of Sayo’s partial realization that her fantasies have a dark side. The traits Sayo gave to Shannon and Kanon are very polarizing, and the two often debate in her daydreams as she considers who she wants to be and what steps she must take to achieve that. Kanon opposes the massacre and wishes for life on Rokkenjima to continue as normal so that he can fulfill his relationship with Jessica, in part, and because he tries to be satisfied with his lot in life. When Sayo realizes that this is impossible due to the discoveries about her background, Kanon advocates for suicide rather than murder. He fails to convince Sayo because he is ultimately more passive and less dominant that the Shannon persona. This also causes Kanon to die during the duel.

‘Beatrice’ is the character Sayo play-acts as to fulfill a power fantasy. Beatrice represents the sadistic, vindictive side of Sayo’s psyche, traits she rarely displays in Shannon or Kanon. While operating under her Beatrice persona, Sayo channels her mischievous side into ‘magic’, pranks which vary from harmless to murderous. Beatrice embodies lost hopes and dreams for Sayo; for example, her voluptuous form, her sexual prowess, and her role as the family head are all impossible for Sayo to have. Beatrice is an unreachable ideal for Sayo. An interesting aspect I have noticed about Beatrice is her behavior, which is neither overly feminine (like Shannon) or masculine (like Kanon). Sayo blended these traits to create a woman who didn’t fit neatly into the two boxes of gender stereotypes.

It is in this persona that Sayo commits her murder-suicide plot; Beatrice is the judge, juror, and executioner sent to cleanse the sins of Rokkenjima. She will kill the family and taken them with her to the Golden Land. She is almost godly, sent to Rokkenjima to enact divine justice.

The Golden Land and magic are religious concepts to Sayo which she has developed extensively over the years. She has a bit of a god-complex over the island as its master and believes, with conviction, that killing herself and her loved ones will transport them to this private heaven. Sayo will act on any means to actualize this dream and has no qualms with manipulating or hurting others to see her plans to fruition. She has decided this is the only way she can ever be happy. This includes grooming a child into a cult following with Beatrice as a sort of religious figure. While it began as an innocent game, Sayo warped Beatrice’s lore to brainwash Maria into believing that death was the only way to end her mother’s abuse instead of acting in Maria’s best interest and trying to intervene. She is incredibly passive and waits for miracles to change fate, miracles which would unfortunately never occur. At the end of the series, she realizes that she could have been more proactive in changing her life and others.

Sayo becomes a changed person after the events of Episode 6. She has finally accepted her mistakes and realized what she could have done to avoid Rokkenjima’s tragedy. In the Episode 8 manga, which I HIGHLY recommend reading (bc its better than the vn lol), she is able to confront a hysterical Ange and convince her that suicide and self destruction is not the answer to anyone’s problems. Sayo fully forgives the family for their actions and is able to move on, finally achieving peace in the afterlife where she exists happily with Battler.

You can find more writings about Sayo in my writings page.

#my posts #sayo yasuda #umineko #umineko spoilers #writings

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thedeevirus · 5 years

Text

NYGMOBBLEPOT FICLET: 'In His Dreams'

Originally posted this as a response to a Anon ask: 'Nygmobblepot: Future AU/Canon Divergence: In which Eddie is staying at Oswald’s, he overhears Penguin singing Wake Up Alone and gets an odd sense of Deja Vu'.

But I've now confirmed some people can't see it for some reason so I'm reposting it as a text post :S

Also added to Nygmobblepot Ficlets on AO3 (Chapter 64)

I hope you enjoy this NSFW! ficlet set after the Season 5 finale!

****

‘Jesus! Ed!’

‘Sorry!’ Ed hastily apologised, realising he had inadvertently approached Oswald on his blind side, ‘I didn’t realise!’

Oswald waved a hand as he adjusted his eyepatch. He didn’t bother with his glass eye when in the comfort of his own home. Ed interpreted it as a gesture of trust. A symbol that Oswald was comfortable enough to let his guard down around him.

‘It’s okay’, Oswald said, smiling reassuringly despite the fright he had just suffered at Ed’s sudden appearance, ‘I’m okay’.

‘I just wanted to tell you the bath’s ready’, Ed said, jerking a thumb towards the office door.

‘How can someone so tall move so quietly?’ Oswald asked, ‘Maybe I should attach a bell to that dressing gown’.

Ed smiled as he played with the tassels. Apart from a pair of old pyjama bottoms, the robe was the only thing he was wearing. He doubted that it was the same robe Oswald had often lent him when he had been his Chief of Staff but for once he let his imagination overwrite his cynicism. It was nice to think of the robe as having survived everything. Waiting for them to reunite under one roof.

‘I just didn’t want to interrupt you’, Ed said.

Ed went to a nearby record player as Oswald began to put away the files and papers he had been reading. As Ed concentrated on the soft tune, his suspicions were confirmed and he felt an odd leap in his chest. Hearing Oswald singing along with the record from down the hall had caused Ed to cut his bath short and accidentally startle Oswald by lurking in his office doorway.

‘”Wake Up Alone”’ Ed identified, careful to keep his tone neutral, ignoring how his heart was pounding.

‘It’s been stuck in my head for hours’, Oswald said, feeding some papers into a waiting shredder, ‘Hoping to get rid of it’.

‘You don’t like it?’ Ed asked.

Oswald noticing Ed’s crestfallen tone, looked up. Ed didn’t blame him for looking so surprised. Oswald had often joked about Ed’s ‘vintage’ taste in music and this particular song was far more risqué.

‘Do you?’

‘It brings back memories’, Ed said, shrugging offhandedly, even as the memories grew more vivid.

‘Good memories?’ Oswald asked, rising to his feet.

Ed felt his cheeks reddening as he noticed Oswald’s black and white suit. It was almost a tuxedo. A silken top hat sat on the desk acting as a makeshift paperweight.

‘You, ah, you could say that’, Ed said, cleaning his glasses.

Oswald moved around the desk, brow furrowed in concern. He was worried Ed may be having one of his dissociative episodes and was glad to see Ed look up at his approach.

‘Are you alright, Ed?’ Oswald asked gently, ‘You seem distracted’.

Beside them, the record ended, generating a warm, slightly tacky sounding hum.

‘Just déjà vu’, Ed said, restarting the record.

‘Do you want to listen with me?’ Oswald offered, intrigued by Ed’s smile.

Ed swallowed then turned to Oswald.

‘Actually, could you-could you keep singing?’

‘With my voice?’ Oswald asked with a wry smile.

Ed wiped it off Oswald’s face by suddenly kissing him. After a few seconds, enough to make Oswald hungry for more, Ed suddenly pulled away.

‘Please’, Ed said, gently tracing Oswald’s lip with his thumb.

To his credit, Oswald recovered quickly.

‘Someone’s of a mood’, Oswald teased, increasingly suspicious that there was more to Ed’s odd request than a whim.

He led him to the couch and they sat down. Oswald reached forward and stroked the sliver of Ed’s bare chest peeking out from inside the silken robe.

‘Tell me Ed, why do you want this bird to sing for you so badly?’ Oswald asked quietly, eyes hungry as he traced one long finger down Ed’s breast.

‘Promise you won’t laugh’, Ed said.

Oswald obligingly crossed his heart. Ed trying to be commanding despite his blushing cheeks was adorable.

As Oswald’s finger reached the loose knot keeping Ed’s robe closed, Ed reached out and touched Oswald’s side. Oswald’s eyes narrowed slightly as Ed’s fingers sank into his increased stomach but realised very quickly what Ed was looking for. Their eyes met as Ed’s fingers rested pointedly on an indentation on Oswald’s stomach. An old scar. A long healed bullet wound.

‘I’ve never told you this but after that day on the docks, all I wanted was to have you back’, Ed confessed.

He licked his lips, mouth dry, as Oswald pulled gently on the knot. The robe fell open, gracing Ed’s skin, flushed from the bath with a cool breeze.

‘I still needed you’, Ed continued, ‘I wanted you to be with me so badly I felt like I would die without you. So, like an addict, I took my medicine. Unfortunately, the pills I cooked up came with unexpected-ah!’

Oswald was pinching Ed’s nipple. A silent urging for Ed to keep things concise. So they could move on to more exciting things.

‘Side effects’, Ed hissed.

‘Sounds like you were rather…desperate’.

‘I was pathetic’.

Oswald shook his head, causing his face to nuzzle into Ed’s neck. How could ed have ever thought he would laugh?

‘You were lonely. I can just picture all those dark nights in that big empty house. Dreaming about me’.

‘Not just when I was asleep’.

‘You saw me when you were awake’.

Ed knew it wasn’t a question.

‘In-in a tuxedo with rather…suggestive mood lighting’.

‘Like this?’ Oswald asked with a teasing grin.

Oswald reached and flicked on a Tiffany lamp on the table behind him. The room was instantly bathed in a ruddy, red light, shadows looming on the walls. Oswald eye was intense as it regarded him. Like a predator waiting to swallow him whole. Ed cleared his throat. His knees shifted as his cock stirred.

‘Close enough’, Ed nodded.

‘Seems I was all dressed up for you’, Oswald purred, sliding the robe off Ed’s shoulders, ‘To do what, I wonder’.

Once again it wasn’t a question. It was a demand for Ed to continue.

‘You were singing to me’, Ed said, ‘Singing this song’.

‘Is that all?’ Oswald asked, gaze flicking to the record player.

‘Yes’, Ed lied.

Despite his eagerness to continue with the enjoyable and increasingly erotic game they were playing, it wasn’t in his nature to make things easy.

‘Are you sure?’

Ed nodded. Oswald grinned.

‘You sound disappointed’, Oswald said.

He tore Ed’s robe away, exposing his upper half. Ed gasped as Oswald pushed him down so he was lying on the couch.

‘You wanted more than singing didn’t you?’ Oswald asked, looming over Ed.

He raised an eyebrow at the obvious tent in Ed’s pyjama bottoms and impishly stroked it with his fingers. The feather light friction made Ed squirm in delighted agony.

‘I resisted’, Ed said through gritted teeth, ‘I said ‘no’’.

Oswald swooped down and lathed Ed’s neck with a hot, thick tongue. Ed cried out as it danced over his veins, heart racing.

‘And you’ve regretted it ever since’, Oswald whispered, warm breath tickling Ed’s goose pimpled flesh.

‘It wasn’t real’, Ed groaned, leaning his head back to give Oswald better access, ‘No matter how much I wanted it’.

Oswald didn’t take the bait. Ed stifled a thwarted noise as Oswald drew back. His disappointment was short lived however as Oswald took hold of the waistband of his pants. Ed lifted his hips automatically and Oswald slid the material down one lean leg after the other, exposing Ed fully.

‘No matter how much you wanted “me”’, Oswald corrected, hands trailing down Ed’s chest and ‘happy trail’ to rest on either side of his cock.

He moved his hands down, spreading Ed’s legs. Ed’s hips bucked at the ticklish sensations of Oswald’s fingertips on his thighs. Then Oswald began to slide onto the floor, positioning a pillow under his damaged knee. Ed gave a breathless laugh as he realised what was about to happen.

‘Does this feel real?’ Oswald asked, leaning forward.

He paused, awaiting Ed’s answer.

‘Yes’, Ed breathed.

Oswald’s mouth was so close to his arousal that he could feel the words. They were better than the singing had been because they were Oswald’s own. Seducing him. Owning him. Wanting him.

‘Are you going to resist now?’ Oswald asked, tongue tip dancing over the pre cum glistening on Ed’s head like melted sugar.

‘No-no’, Ed shuddered.

‘Would you like me to give what you want…’

Oswald paused and fixed Ed with a steady, hungry stare then shattered Ed’s desire for pleasurable masochism with a single word.

‘Riddler?’

‘Yes’, Ed said then gave a strangled yell as Oswald took him into his mouth, ‘Oh fuck, yes!’

Oswald sucked him in hungrily, tongue dancing along Ed’s tip like lightning. Ed rolled his hips as Oswald’s manicured nails gripped them, the sharp sensations adding a delicious edge to proceedings. Ed was awash with pleasure, the images of the erotic hallucination mingling with his reality to create a dream come true. Oswald released his grip on Ed’s hip with one hand to invite him to take hold of his hair. Ed entwined his fingers, wordlessly demanding Oswald suck harder, deeper. He tried to speak but all he could produce was mewling, breathless nonsense as Oswald tongue fucked him into oblivion. He felt the threshold rise fittingly as the song began to come to a close. Oswald sensing the end was near and perhaps, annoyed the fun was to be over so soon, used his teeth to stroke Ed’s length and this cast Ed into the blinding crescendo. He came in silence, mouth agape as his back arched. Adjusting his glasses with shaking fingers, he saw Oswald was looking very pleased with himself. Ed grinned deliriously, riding out the aftershocks as Oswald got up slowly.

‘Care to join me in another bath?’ Oswald asked, tilting his head to the cum on Ed’s stomach.

‘Can we play the song again?’ Ed laughed.

‘I have to admit’, Oswald smirked, ‘It’s growing on me’.

#nygmobblepot #nygmobblepot fic #edward nygma #Oswald Cobblepot #gotham season 5 #wake up alone

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stimmy-chloe · 5 years

Text

In which I spend approximately one year (not really) musing about my experiences with autistic burnout, particularly the later parts of it that took place last year, and my thoughts involving it, because I’ve been thinking a lot about burnout lately.

(Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide, mentions of self-harm, and a few mentions of a home invasion. I’ve... been through some shit lmao)

I’m not quite sure how to begin this, honestly.

Like... where do I start? Do I begin by discussing the background of my environment and my mental health prior to the very beginning of my burnout? Do I launch into a comparison of my prior-to-burnout self with my current, (mostly) post-burnout self?

I guess I’ll start with this:

Autistic burnout sucks. Like, it seriously sucks. Everyone who enters it has different reasons for why they enter it. I think for me personally, mine was set off by a combination of accumulation of long-term stress and trauma. For the longest time, I thought it was for the most part set off by what happened back in 2016. But now... I think what happened back then was a huge part in setting it off, but I also think there was more to it.

Let’s dive into when I first noticed my burnout:

Ah, yes... Go figure, I first Actually Noticed the symptoms of it shortly after the home invasion. Eye contact became more difficult (whether that’s burnout-related or related to the fact that I made eye contact with the guy who broke in, I have no idea), speaking verbally suddenly became quite difficult, I began feeling the need to stim more... Obviously, the list goes on for sure, but those are the first three I can think of.

I remember not noticing them too much at first, as I was more focused on my anxiety and depression symptoms worsening and PTSD symptoms emerging (I guess, after all, panic attacks that rapidly increased in frequency; all the fun things I used to love, including my special interests, suddenly becoming very boring; and dissociation, and nightmares basically replaying what happened in some way, are more noticeable than the symptoms of burnout). Once I did notice them, though, it didn’t take me long at all to figure out what the problem was.

From what I can tell, using my fuzzy memories of 2016 (I dissociated through about 90% of 2016 after what happened and I feel like that is to blame for the year being pretty fuzzy), it seems my burnout didn’t really? Leave too many after-effects or affect me that much once it appeared to pass around the end of 2016. I mean sure, I did begin going nonverbal* occasionally whenever I was stressed or overloaded, I had shutdowns whenever I got too overwhelmed, my sensory issues were more noticeable, I was more easily exhausted during social interaction... Just some shit that sucked to have to deal with, but was otherwise bearable.

(*For the longest time, I believed that I didn’t have any nonverbal episodes at all until the home invasion happened, but I recently had a memory from when I was little resurface and I’m... pretty sure I went nonverbal at some point during it. Just want to mention that before we go on, especially since I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it on my blog before, me not having any nonverbal episodes until after what happened. Why do I want to mention that in this post specifically? I don’t know; I just do)

Whether my burnout actually went away or simply eased up to the point of not having many noticeable symptoms, I’m not a hundred percent certain. I do know that a smallish part of 2017 was nice, but otherwise? I felt unsatisfied with who I was constantly, I still felt stressed and tired a lot of the time, and of course, go-fucking-figure, I had a depressive episode slam into me sometime during the fall that ended up carrying into the next year.

(Also, honestly? To put it simply, a lot of 2017 was just full of me feeling like I was on the verge of a huge-ass meltdown. When I think of the concept that I was perhaps still in burnout or at least on the verge of returning to it, this feeling and my experiences in 2017 make a lot of sense, which is basically why I bring up the year in the first place)

It wouldn’t be until February 2018 that I would finally get relief. It was brief at first, but once I got my ex out of my life, I found relief from depression for good. For most of February, everything was quite calm for the first time in a while.

I still remember the date it all began... March 1st, 2018. The day everything just... I don’t know. Collapsed, I guess.

That very day, I went nonverbal after visiting friendo. Though I thought it was strange (after all, I wasn’t shutting down or feeling stressed or overwhelmed), I for the most part was worried that perhaps I was having another depressive episode on the way, something I had--according to a Tumblr post I made--been worrying about for a while.

The next day, I didn’t think too much about it. It was strange, but hey, it was an isolated incident. I shouldn’t have one happen again for a while, right?

Wrong.

I went nonverbal 3 days later during a voice-call with friendo. And again the day after while out on a field-trip with him. And if I recall correctly, the day after that. Before I knew it, I was going nonverbal nearly daily.

That wasn’t all, either.

My sensory issues suddenly worsened. I began self-harming more often (and my long-time habit of hitting myself made a return) and--for a while--daily. Speaking became very difficult and particularly exhausting, even if I wasn’t about to go nonverbal. At the peak, even dressing myself and using the toilet was very difficult to do (and sometimes, those still can be difficult for me to do-- without help, at least. Shame and a feeling of “not bad/valid enough to need help” has kept me from asking for any kind of help in these areas)

The thing is, that ain’t even everything. It was all... honestly a huge-ass mess. I know part of it appeared to be triggered by my anxiety worsening to the point where I was worrying literally nonstop, getting hit by random anxiety out of nowhere frequently, and could barely leave the house or speak to next-to literally any human-being without entering a severe panic, self-harming, barely avoiding a meltdown, or having a shutdown. The rest of it was triggered by... everything else that went on beforehand, I guess.

I wasn’t too sure how to feel about all of this. I remember feeling distressed by a good bit of this. I guess that must’ve been because I was used to seeming “normal” and knowing that I didn’t seem that way anymore just... brought me distress, I guess. Seeing other people distressed by this didn’t help either.

My family and I quickly took action to help this. I got on my anxiety medication not too long after all of this started happening and very quickly, my nonverbal episodes took a significant decrease, I became able to socialize with others without panicking again, and I began feeling less tired. Things became easier, and I felt better. Right around this time, I also started occupational therapy and that also helped a lot. Things seemed to go back to normal quickly-- the normal I was used to, anyways.

And then suddenly, I began having the urge to use echolalia more often and to speak in shorter sentences. Sometimes, I just wanted to speak in one or two single words!

I had mixed feelings about this. One side of me was cool with this, the other side was just like “ummm”. My feelings flip-flopped a lot. One minute, I’d be caving into my urges and letting myself speak in short sentences or echo a TV show character. The next minute, I’d be feeling embarrassed and stopping myself from doing this.

Not too long before this began (the urge to use echolaliac speech more often), I had an evaluation to see if I needed speech therapy alongside the occupational therapy I was already having. After the evaluation, I learned that I did not need speech therapy (though that’s not to imply that there weren’t noted issues). In fact, according to the speech therapist who evaluated me, I had the speech and language skills of a 21-year-old! Talk about a shocker! Initially, I felt quite prideful about this. Right around this time, though, I... suddenly started feeling like I couldn’t use echolalia or shorter sentences, because it “didn’t fit the skills” I had then. I suppose the fact that I’ve been a tad bit of a perfectionist for a couple of years now didn’t help any.

So... After a while, I began fighting back the urges to use echolalia (how much I tried to resist it: I stopped myself almost completely from even doing casual quoting from cartoons-- and I used to do that a lot!), as well as the urges to use shorter sentences and single words. This wasn’t a good thing to put it simply. Quite quickly, stress began building up. But it would be a while before I’d see the consequences of such a build-up.

***

I still remember when my allistic-passing act completely collapsed. My verbal speech went with it. And--for the most part--so did my ability to pass as allistic.

I don’t know why I felt such a powerful need to pass. Speak “properly”, speak no matter the cost (no matter how exhausting it is, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it almost hurts), don’t use echolalia, don’t use AAC unless you’ve gone nonverbal (even if speaking is getting too hard to be worth continuing speaking), don’t stim so openly... The list certainly goes on, but those are just what I remember the most.

I’ve heard about how “”high-functioning”” I was multiple times in the past, starting when I was... about 10, I believe. It didn’t really bother me when I first started hearing it. Fast-forward to 6 years later, to this time period, and now it was a source of annoyance and general stress. Now at this point, I knew how functioning labels were actually quite problematic-- but despite me not agreeing with them, those specific words made me feel some sort of pressure to pass, even though I had thought for quite a while already that functioning labels were bullshit and that I therefore didn’t have to listen whenever someone described me as being “”high-functioning””. Hell, even if I didn’t hear it recently, those words clung to me like some kind of glue for some reason, adding to the pressure. And right around this time, the pressure kind of... hmm, started really getting to me at this point.

(Personal comments before I go on: Functioning labels are complete and utter bullshit and this whole thing is exactly why I can’t stand them, “high-functioning” especially. Oh, and if any of y’all reading this happen to call someone you know “high-functioning” or even just slap the “high-functioning” label on people from time-to-time, maybe consider stopping? No, seriously. Stop)

If you asked me if I knew it was coming last year, I would have told you no, that this just came out of nowhere. But now? When I remember back to the weeks before my act died, I can tell now that by the way I was feeling, it was certainly coming and I had signs in advance. I just... didn’t notice them, or just plain ignored them without realizing it, if the latter is possible to do.

In the weeks leading up to it, things were getting very hard for me. I felt so horrible a lot of the time. Talking was beginning to become particularly difficult and was beginning to feel very bad. If I used echolalia (whenever I could bring myself to), it felt a little bit less bad, but... I always felt so guilty and embarrassed about using it, no matter where I was or who I was with or even if I was alone. It sure didn’t help any that the little voice in my head told me that I couldn’t use it, that I had to speak “normally” and “perfectly”.

I remember one day, around 3 weeks before my act collapsed, I was quite stressed and rushed to my room to hide from everyone so I could attempt to fight back tears. The second I sat down at my desk, go figure, I immediately began crying (and hitting myself, but that’s not the point). I remember at some point, shortly after I began crying, I thought about how much I just wanted to communicate the way I wanted to, how I just wanted to mostly echo people and things I heard, use shorter sentences, and type or sign what I wanted to say if I was having one of the many moments where speaking was just too difficult.

But no one wanted that, the voice in my head always seemed to like telling me. Mom will freak out thinking that you’re “regressing” again, everyone prefers “proper”, verbal speech, you need to talk “~perfectly~”, how you feel doesn’t matter one bit (for a long time, starting when I was about 10 or 11, I was hearing that sentence in my head constantly. I still hear it sometimes). I remember upon thinking about all this, tears began seriously streaming down my face. And I sat and wept for quite a while about that very thing.

If I could go back in time to this moment and decide that I didn’t care what other people thought and that I would communicate how I wanted to, I would do it in a heartbeat. But alas, I’m so used to always putting other people before myself (I’ve caused myself considerable detriment doing this), that I immediately pushed the idea away and continued passing.

I pushed hard. I pushed as hard as I could. Then I pushed even harder. I pushed so fucking hard, much harder than I should’ve. Keep passing, don’t drop the mask, don’t you fucking repeat that, you better keep talking, don’t make that sound, you don’t matter at all, pass, pass, pass...

And finally...

I collapsed.

While on vacation out of state, I went nonverbal two times. The first time, it was just an average episode. Stayed around for most of the day and ended when I woke up the next day.

The second one was... different, though. It first started in the middle of the afternoon and was stress-induced like usual, yeah, but that’s not what was different about it. I remember worrying that the episode would continue into the next day (I constantly worried about this when I was going nonverbal almost daily), but for once, I actually felt confident that I would wake up verbal again.

But I didn’t.

I remember that morning well. I was so confused and so was my family.

If there’s one strange thing I remember about this time period, it’s that I--for the most part--felt okay about dropping my passing mask if I was nonverbal. And I managed to drop it for the vacation. The feeling of relief was amazing. I actually felt good for the vast majority of the vacation. From what I remember, even seeing some people stare at me didn’t bother me for once.

I was nonverbal for 4 days in case anyone is wondering. The nonverbal episode ended the day after my family and I went back home. And my mask went right back on (though from what I recall, it seems that I felt much more relaxed than usual and therefore, didn’t really focus as much on passing as I usually did at the time).

...

But I sure wasn’t verbal again for long.

My memory of this time is very hazy for some reason and as a result, I didn’t quite remember the actual date until recently and even though I remember it now, the time period around it is, like I just said, very hazy.

Three days. I was verbal again for three days. Literally three. Three.

July 25th, 2018. That’s the date that it happened, the day that my verbal ability went back down the toilet-- for good this time.

I remember the evening I lost my ability to speak verbally well. Funnily enough, I remember that evening, I was singing to myself as I walked Russ around the front yard and right after I finished singing, I suddenly... thought about the concept that I could drop my mask-- and I could begin doing so by letting myself verbal/vocal stim more often in private. For once, I felt no resistance or fear regarding this concept. Instead, I felt relief and like I was actually allowed to do so. And I decided that I would begin to let myself verbal/vocal stim in private “more often”.

If only I had known what would follow around 20 minutes after this...

I heard a car door slam outside and I knew that my dad was home. For some reason I still haven’t gotten entirely figured out, I got that specific feeling in my throat-- the one I tended to get right before I went nonverbal.

I, of course, denied the hell out of it and kept talking as long as I possibly could. But of course, I had gone nonverbal very quickly, within 10 minutes of the feeling in my throat appearing. I remember going to bed a few hours later and worrying that I would wake up nonverbal again. I remember telling myself that I would probably wake up verbal again (I had less confidence than last time).

And what would ya know? I woke up the next day, still nonverbal. I was initially slightly horrified to put it simply. Honestly, though? A lot of my distress was caused by seeing my family distressed by me still being nonverbal, not the fact that I was nonverbal itself.

My memory of this time period may be hazy, but I do remember one major thing about this: My mask died.

I began stimming a lot, more than I ever did. I started having meltdowns again, intense ones that happened quite frequently. I made less eye contact. The two routines I had at the time, I needed-- and I craved more, and I could hardly stand unpredictably or a lack of routine. Around this time period, I almost always spent my free time indulging in my special interests; stimming; and lining up and sorting stuff. When I got on a certain medication for my ADHD that made my anxiety flare up... oh goodness, all of this just intensified.

I remember being confused and a little bit frightened by all of this, but at the same time, I also felt a sense of... relief. And also, an intense sense of happiness.

It would take 4, nearly 5, months before I would begin getting verbal speech back. I still haven’t gotten back to how I used to be, speech-wise and for the most part, otherwise as well.

***

Have you ever had someone tell you they were sorry about something and your response was genuinely “why tho”? Because that’s how I felt (and still feel) whenever someone apologized for my “suffering”.

When it all started, part two in July last year, I had people praying. Okay, that is fine, depending on what is being prayed for, I guess.

But here’s the thing... a lot of people seemed to feel sorry for me specifically during this time. And here’s the thing I’ve been wondering: What about all the other times I’ve struggled?

My anxiety’s been very bad, as we can see from this post. I’ve fought depression that’s been very, very bad. I’ve been suicidal as a result of the depression and I suppose the anxiety played a role in it too-- and at the peak of my depression, I came pretty damn close to acting on the suicidal thoughts (I even have one memory where I was genuinely about to try to fucking act on them). Hell, I was suicidal before my depression developed-- or at least before it seemed to develop when I was about 10.

I was bullied when I still went to public school and the school stopped trying to do anything about it after a while. I was made fun of by other kids at the last church I went to (I say ‘made fun of’ because I don’t know if bullying quite fits. Otherwise, I’d say I’ve been bullied at church too). The children’s pastor at the church did nothing about it except for telling my mom and I to pray for the main kid responsible for making fun of me because she had a rough life at home (she said she would talk to the kid about it, but honestly, I don’t think she did). Both of these had significant impacts on me-- and in a way, I suppose they still do.

I’ve been through two traumatic events: Losing my home and narrowly avoiding death during the April 27th, 2011 super outbreak, and being involved in a home invasion in February 2016. I have PTSD from the home invasion and despite being a lot better than I initially was, I still feel the effects of it from time-to-time.

What about all these other times, I wonder? My opinion is that if you really want to feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my younger self. Feel sorry for 11-year-old me, who was struggling with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts and was legitimately her own worst enemy. Feel sorry for 12-year-old me, who hardly had any friends, felt lonely on a regular basis, and of course, continued to struggle to cope with anxiety, the feeling of being “broken”, and the occasional suicidal thoughts. Feel sorry for 14-year-old me, who struggled to process her trauma and once again, was feeling the effects of multiple mental illnesses.

I know of people “sending thoughts and prayers” to my family and I after the home invasion (though some of these very people didn’t actually make a fucking effort to help us from what I can tell), but otherwise? I’ve heard almost next-to nothing about all the other shit I’ve been through. That pisses me off.

I imagine this would vary for different people, but honestly? For me, being hardly able to speak, having semi-regular meltdowns, and being pretty much unable to pass for non-autistic is a lot better than feeling the effects of depression, anxiety and PTSD combined. I’ll take all of this over suffering from the effects of my mental illnesses-- and believe me, they can be bad.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m actually happy about my life, about who I am. I’ve spent a good portion of my life hating myself, thinking that I was broken, worthless, that everyone would be better off if I was dead.

I’m so angry about the fact that I suffered like that for so long-- but no one else seems to be.

So tell me, who do you want to feel sorry for more: My current self, who can’t really pass as allistic, but actually loves herself-- or my younger self, who thought that she was broken and unlovable because of her autism and hated herself as a result?

***

Sometimes, when I think about this whole thing, I find it kind of funny, because 2 years ago, I had wondered about whether or not something like this, this kind of burnout that equalized me “going back to how I used to be”, would ever happen-- and I was terrified of it. And now, here I am 2 years later, “back to how I used to be”-- and also in some ways, in a way that I wasn’t like ever in my life.

When this all started, I had a wide range of feelings, negative and positive. From what I can tell, most of the negative emotions were from seeing other peoples’ reactions and observing their feelings. A lot of people--especially the adults in my life--seemed frightened and concerned when this all began. And for a while, I felt the exact same way. Fast-forward to present time and I’m... completely okay with all of this. Whether or not anyone in my life is okay with this now, I don’t know, but I think most people are (now).

I’m pretty sure (at least) most people who have been around before my burnout still love me for who I am, but... I still feel afraid sometimes, especially when I think of one aspect: The fact that I don’t see myself getting back to where I used to be, especially speech-wise. I’m okay with this now, but I don’t know who all in my life is. For all I know, the number of people okay with this could be zero. When we consider the fact that I want/prefer to communicate mostly via echolalia and AAC, I get very afraid of that sometimes, of losing peoples’ love and support, in this particular case, because of how I choose to communicate. It may seem small, but it’s a very real fear to me that I’ve struggled with a lot.

That fear is literally what caused me to push myself too hard and lose my ability to speak verbally in the first place and if that doesn’t say anything, I don’t know what does.

I imagine it’s probably worth noting that last year, right before my mask died, I was feeling a certain way, like my depression was right on the verge of relapsing, but the more my mask disappeared, the farther away the feeling got until it completely faded away. The feeling was around for a good bit of 2018, but it’s... gone now. So the only thing I can figure is that passing contributed to my depression and me losing my mask was likely the only thing that kept me from having what could’ve been a serious relapse of my depression.

Overall, I think my biggest challenge with this whole thing wasn’t my burnout itself, but my burnout leading me to confront what seemed to be a good bit of internalized ableism and the feeling that I would be unlovable if I was obviously autistic. Those feelings haven’t been easy to overcome at all, and I still haven’t managed to completely overcome them. I hope I can someday, but with how long I’ve dealt with these feelings, I imagine it’s going to take a long time to completely unlearn them, if I ever can.

Sometimes, I still feel like I’m unlovable and a burden because of my autism. Because I’m mostly nonverbal (and that the majority of the mouth words I do have are echolaliac), because of my stimming that can be quite visible (and loud!), because of my meltdowns that happen both in private and public settings and often involve self-injury, because of how easily overwhelmed I can be.

Most of the time now, I can push those feelings away and tell myself that my autism doesn’t make me unlovable (if anything, I imagine it makes me more lovable) or a burden. But some days are still hard and I believe the lies my brain will sometimes tell me, for a few hours or if I’m unlucky, for up to a few days.

When we consider the fact that I still feel somewhat ashamed and self-conscious of various aspects of myself (using echolalia, to name one big example that I still struggle with feeling shame over), that sure doesn’t help any. As time goes on, I feel less shame and insecurity, but it still remains in place in some way. I hope that someday, I will be able to completely overcome these feelings for good. And when I do, I swear I will be the happiest person alive.

My burnout was pretty hard to deal with. But the years of intense self-hatred I held inside me that was brought up by it was even harder to deal with.

***

At this point in my life, I just... I can’t bring myself to care anymore about other peoples’ expectations about how I act, about who I am. I’ve spent at least 5 years of my life worrying about what other people thought of me. It’s been exhausting. I remember thinking that people wanted me to act more allistic and I tried my best to fulfill that to my detriment. I imagine there is indeed some people in my life who expect me to act allistic.

Fuck that shit. I’ll exist however I want to.

I’ll move however I want, I’ll stim if I want to. I’ll talk-- no, scratch that. I’ll communicate however I want/need to, whether it’s through the AAC app on my iPad, ASL, gestures, vocalizations or echolalia. And I’ll use the mouth words that I have whenever I want to. And I’ll get back whatever mouth words I want, to use in whatever way I want to, no matter how “weird” they are, in usage or in some other way.

If I’m not hurting anyone or myself, then why get rid of it? (Read: Unless me flapping my hands, squealing and otherwise making noises, or using the symbols on my AAC will cause you to literally catch on fire or otherwise cause some kind of legitimate harm to you, me, or the people around us, then why the fuck would we have to get rid of it? FYI, “Because it’s inappropriate/not normal” isn’t a valid reason)

I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of passing. I’m tired of feeling like I’m trapped inside some imaginary person. And that’s why I’m no longer making an effort to pass-- and I plan on never passing again if at all possible. As of right now, my current plan is to only purposely pass if it means my life will be in legitimate danger if I don’t pass, which I don’t see such a situation happening ever. Therefore, I think it is safe to say that I’m never passing again. At all. Ever.

I may still struggle with feeling bad about myself sometimes, but I’m getting better about it and about 90% of the time, I feel pretty damn great about myself! I’m the only version of myself and if you think about it, that’s pretty rad.

My future has become quite uncertain following everything that happened last year. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to work. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle college. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have another relationship, specifically one that goes beyond dating. I don’t know how much driving I’ll be capable of. I don’t know how many mouth words I’ll get back. But I do know for sure that my future doesn’t seem to involve living completely by myself or being 100% verbal again. And I’m trying my best to be okay with all of this.

Right now, I’m just focusing on taking care of myself in the ways I’m able and loving and accepting myself for who I am now.

#Chloe rambles #Self-harm tw #Suicide tw #Ask to tag #Damn this is a book. Might want to have an hour or two of free time if you read this #No seriously. I would not recommend reading this if you're busy. I talk A LOT in this :')#I'm pretty scared to post this because I'm afraid that it's going to make some people I know mad #But honestly? Fuck it. If people get mad then people get mad #Not my problem if people get mad about how I choose to live my life!!

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sponfawn · 5 years

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MTH - Him (Part 1)

This has been rolling around in my brain for a bit now. And since I am officially out of ideas for posts.... I think it's Time.

Him. Aside from Mojo Jojo, one of the most iconic villains in the Powerpuff Girls franchise as a whole, and certainly the most powerful. The reason the Boys were able to survive at all. And a heavy, yet relatively rare presence in TEF.

Despite being such an influential character even within the fic itself, Sbj handles Him with a very light, almost less-is-more touch that keeps Him true to form, yet unknowable. Fans of the original 1998 PPGs will recall that Him's only consistent motivation is his hatred of the Girls and his desire to mess with people's minds. A certain episode, Him's big plot is to give the Girls candy for their birthday so that they'd get cavities. Yet in another, the Girls travel through time and Him has taken over, the town is seriously dilapidated, and the people of Townsville are severely traumatized, minds and personalities twisted in disturbing ways. In MTH, Him seems to be somewhere in between these extremes, likely on the darker end of the spectrum but how far, only Sbj knows.

So what do we know? We know from (this post - linked in reblog) that Him was/is not a great coparent. We know that He probly has given Brick lectures on corporate Evil, and that He wanted the Boys to follow in Mojo and His footsteps. We know that Him had gotten the Boys caught in vortexes before (Butch says that Brick was never good with vortexes), that He was likely abusive. We know the Boys broke free when they were around 12. We know that Him disappeared for roughly 5 years. To the extent that until his first appearance, even Brick with his special connection couldn't sense Him. We know that so far, Him has only appeared three times, quite briefly, and only to Brick. We know that He claims the Vortex was left there absentmindedly, years ago, out of boredom. We know He loves His games and riddles. There are lots of things we don't know. Why did he go under the radar for so long? Was the Vortex actually unintentional? Is he really just chilling and occasionally sending something out to mess with Brick in particular, or does he have a big picture plan that we don't have all the pieces to yet?

I have several theories. First, I think the Boys breaking free of His grasp was a blow. I think Him took some time to nurse His wounds and a budding plan to screw them (especially Brick, the one who solved His "riddle") over. He waited and watched, knowing that someday He'd get His chance. I do wonder about Him's influence outside of Townsville. After the Boys left, Brick, with his newfound control over his life, began lucid dreaming. Him doesn't bother the Boys until they return to Townsville. Not even a peep. Then back in Townsville, Brick never involuntarily dreams again until his subconscious wins over his conscious mind, due to his feelings for Blossom. Aside from it being a symbol of Brick’s feelings of secretly wanting to give up control, I think the dream may also be a symbol of Him's plan slowly moving forward, setting up the trap to ensnare the Boys at least, if not the Girls as well. If Brick’s lucid dreaming symbolizes his freedom from Him, a non-lucid dream might symbolize Him’s encroaching influence. I think as twisted as Him is, He actually loved His Boys in a way. But you can't take from the Devil and expect to get away with it for good. Especially when one of you owes Him a debt. After all, in playwriting there's a saying that if you put a shotgun in Act 1, it has to go off in Act 3. And Boomer's musical talent is quite a fucking shotgun.

I know one “shotgun” and a revenge motive isn't definitive evidence for a plan existing, but there's more. Oh, is there more.

Him only appears to Brick. He only talks to Brick. Obviously that's in part cuz Brick is so easy and fun to mess with. But it also feels in some ways like misdirection. Let's say, misdirection with multiple purposes. Brick is the most likely to put pieces together, to be suspicious, to see the big picture - unless he's distracted with trivial, irritating visits from dear old Dad. Something I noticed awhile ago was that after each incident with Him (or one of Him's toys like the Vortex and his black blob), one of our colorful ships got closer. As a direct result of the first incident, Bubbles resolved her conflicted feelings for Boomer, and they got together. They went from flirty-but-just-friends to dating, within maybe an hour. It also messed enough with Brick, having to try to explain the blob's motives without admitting he had conflicted emotions, to be amusing. During the second incident, which had the primary effect of fucking with all the Boys' minds, especially Brick's, Buttercup began to come to terms more with how important Butch is to her. Literally, immediately after Buttercup starts dissociating and going hysterical, it cuts to Butch opening his eyes in the lab, Buttercup right at his side. They jump from platonic rough housing and gripping each other's arms for pain-tolerance after a brutal sparring match, to cuddling and holding hands while falling asleep next to each other.

Now this could just be a matter of using these events to develop characters, like a suspension bridge effect, but I honestly don't think Sbj wrote anything plot-wise that doesn't have a reason. Obviously, advancing the plot and developing characters is a reason, but when the supercomputer jet Brick designed attacked them, Darius was behind the scenes wanting to fuck with Brick. That incident really didn't bring anyone dramatically closer. When the Robo Jojo's attacked and shot antidote x, Mojo was obviously behind it to try to destroy the Girls. If anything, the immediate effect was that it drove the Reds apart, and Butch couldn't joke around Buttercup for awhile after that. The school shooters didn't bring anyone significantly closer. It made Blossom realize that Brick could be heroic, but the immediate effect wasn't profound. She was still with Chris, and he was still pissy about it. Yet both events involving Him ended with huge shifts in relationships.

While I don't necessarily think that Him could predict precisely what would've happened, I do find it suspicious that whenever He fucks shit up, it triggers enormous, sudden steps in relationship developments. Its a big reminder that Him knew exactly why the Girls and Boys were feeling conflicted when he sent the mist-blob. He knew Brick, Blossom, and Bubbles were all having mixed feelings of attraction and inhibition. (I'd mention Greens but they're both so dysfunctional with emotion recognition and expression that they're probly always conflicted in some way, even if only subconsciously, and at that point it wasn't even a matter of denial of attraction but of recognizing it). With the vortex, He knew about the dreams the Boys were having, knew about their subconscious fears and desires, knew how a vortex might twist them even if not in detail.

The only time He appears where His shenanigans aren't fucking with everyone, is at the Homecoming Game and at the hospital after the Vortex incident. Both times involve Brick. At Homecoming, Him visits Brick and morphs into Blossom to taunt him about his dream and his feelings, make his mind deal with the incongruency of the image and touch of Blossom, mixed with the logical understanding that it wasn't Blossom at all. Tempting, yet repulsing him. Stirring up awareness that he really fucking likes her. It could've been just to fuck with him, tease him a bit. But I can't help but notice that it's the VERY NEXT NIGHT that the Vortex incident happens. And while I'm inclined to believe that Him put the Vortex there years ago, I wonder if Him is subject to time the way other beings are. The way He said, "How was I supposed to anticipate youd fall in?", just seems very suspicious, and not technically a lie since it was posed as a question, albeit implicitly rhetorical. He was actually pissed about the monster horde, which was what caused the building and asphalt around it to cave in, exposing the Vortex. So maybe the Vortex wasnt part of His plan. But it's also unclear how large the vortex was. Was it just the size of the parking garage, or was it lying beneath the entirety of Townsville, waiting to be unearthed by the Girls and/or Boys?

Regarding his anger over the monster horde rampage, we see that it's at least in part due to Brick assuming such an "uncreative" plot was His. But I think He is angry at Mrs Morbucks herself. I feel like he's one of those people like "only I can fuck with my kids and put them in serious danger, no one else". And the way he refers to Mrs Morbucks as "your rich older woman", has the disdain that a parent might have for their kid's unsavory friend. Like a sarcastic "why don't you ask your 'hip' stoner friend?" We know that Mrs Morbucks does evil in the style of subtle, back door schemes in the shadows of the world, and that Brick aspires to that kind of evil. He rejected Him and Mojo's flashy theatrics and their fixation on the PPGs, in favor of working with JS for an impressive salary. Him doesn't approve of any of that, He wanted the Boys to follow in His footsteps. So now He's like a dad scolding him saying, "this is why we don't run with scissors" except it's, "this is why we don't get involved with those secretive corporate types". But I think He might also be mad cuz He had a plan up His sleeve, and Mrs Morbucks' stunt fucked it all up. I mean He visited Brick the Day Before that whole situation, and I can't think that it was just to tease him over Blossom.

(To be continued with the actual master plan theory, now that I've presented all this extraneous evidence for there being a master plan at all)

#sbj more than human #chillin with the villains series #him #part 1 #another very long one

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themanicgalaxy · 3 years

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SPN 1X20 Dead Man’s Blood

this sounds vaguely like a plot episode, so uh let’s see how this goes

god i can’t believe this is only the second episode I’ve been able to watch this weekend, I am a Failure

So this Mr. Elkins guy looks like he might be a Hunter? maybe?

ooo lady in leather jacket

I don’t care if she’s evil, she’s pretty

Please don’t tell me Mr. Elkins is their “dinner plans”

HER EYES CATCH ON THE LIGHT LIKE A CAT THAT’S SUCH A COOL EFFECT

Ah silver bullets, ok VAMPIRE TIME BABIEEEEEE

Listen, Vampires sexy and I can’t bring myself to watch Vampire Diaries, this is what I got

Dean is trying to get Sam to go back to Sarah ha

DO IT SHE’S BADASSSSS

ok see the fact that Dean just knew he saw the name Elkins in his dad’s journal: how many times has he read that journal??

Also the way he just Knew it was a Colorado area code, that’s a cool skill, I want that skill

also I was right, hunter, but yeah he had the journal with the symbols and such, it was kinda obvious

the ~spooky figure~ is watching them

is it john? it’s john isn’t it

I like this “detective work outside the law” vibe,

with the etching of the scratches and the paper and the blood on the other side? ah yes the Good Shit

oh look it’s John I did not miss him

The “Sam argues with dad while Dean gets quiet” is....I don’t know how to say it, but older siblings tend to do it

it’s familiar is my point

*cinema sins voice* “If you’re reading this I’m dead cliche” DING

yOu wOn’T knOw it’S a VampiRE these motherfuckers wear all leather and their eyes glint when the light catches them, it’s not that hard?

okok lore: thought to be extinct, cross or stake do nothing, real bloodlust and the fangs are more spiky dentures that grow in

I like the fact that the myth gets garbled and no one’s entirely sure what’s going on, that feels very realistic

Dean: vampires...gets funnier every time I hear it

Boi wait till u meet ur angel bf

oOO John’s comments about ruining the car hit, you can tell, sibling thinks it’s nothing, fucking CHRIST

I hate John

"treats us like children” flhasofa

“you’re ok with entirely surrendering to dad” “if that’s what it takes” SFDHAPSI DEAN OH MY GOD UR DAD SUCKS

vampire wears a cross as a “fuck you” I think? That’s pretty badass

“wait for Luther the Vampire” great that’s certainly a Name for the vampire king or whatever

The captive girl spit in his face, good for her

I mean she’s probably gonna die but whatever at least she’s got some kind of something

This luther vampire guy looks like an eboy

HE’S GOT THE FUCKING ASIAN TATTOOS TO PROVE IT AHAHAAH

Dean is playing peacekeeper that’s Unfortunate and it SUCKS

the “YOU SAID DON’T COME BACK’ ADSFHASIPFSIP

force feeds her blood with a...lesbian kiss...I feel like as far as humanizing lgbt people this did not do a good job at that

I mean again, super mega hell, it’s not like I’m that surprised

oh yay beheading time

is John gonna stick around the rest of the season? Noooo

At least he dies

“yes Sir,” DEAN HE’S NOT A SIR STOP THAT

oooo Old Hunter Lore from the 1830s and the pentacle insignia, that’s pretty cool

they’re really just...gonna walk in there....

why the fuck do they sleep in hammocks that’s like the weirdest shit I’ve ever heard

UR VAMPIRES GO GET YOUR COFFINS

And of course, the vampire leader sleeps in a bed, what lore are they even drawing from here

The drinking vampire blood IS something from actual lore, from what I can tell, but it’s like....kinda jumbled? so they’re picking and choosing

although that is how most lore things work

oh god Sam and John 1 on 1 I don’t like this

Ok so John did plan for college? then what was his Damage

“stopped being your father, became your drill sergeant” YEP YEP THAT’S IT THAT’S NOT HOW YOU PARENT

this sounds like Hargreeves. Or my dad sometimes, depending on his mood

god i hope no one ever sees this

Dean’s really the only one that hasn’t had a love interest die in a horrible way yet has he

Cas get in here

“whatever happened to that college fund” “Spent it on ammo”

F U C K

Are...they...using Dean as bait? is that the plan

dead man’s blood? oh that’s a COOL AS SHIT ELEMENT I LIKE THAT

vampires...mate for life? WHAT??

I feel like Sam also wants the family to be together but has no way to handle it like Dean might

poor older sibling syndrome

OHO? DEAN STANDS UP TO HIM?

THE FUCKING VOICE QUIVERS WHEN HE SAYS “all due respect, that’s a bunch of crap...you sent us on these trips yourself....you can’t be that worried about us”

F U C K

DEAN JUST WANTS HIS FATHER NOT TO DIE?? AFTER EVERYTHING?

JOHN YOU SELFISH PRICK

SIBLING SOLIDARITY YESYES Y E S STAND UP TO YOUR DAD TOGETHER

Ah fuck I’m either tearing up or there’s something stuck in my throat

This fucking vampire with the sideburns what the hell

“boo” Smacks with baseball bat

Have I mentioned how much I love Dean? I don’t think I have yet, I love him

THE EYES GLOWING IS STILL SO GOOD AND CRYPTID-Y

at least the lady is wearing something nice

does the Rage Switch and Bloodlust and Sexiness just fucking happen? what the fuck?

Luther the Vampire has a nice jacket, that’s a nice blue jacket with accents

oh John’s getting pummeled? should i care

ah wait this is gonna hurt the characters I actually care about, I guess I’ll halfheartedly root for him

oh for CHRIST’S SAKE YOU PICK N O W TO START THE “we have as much right as you do to live” Debate when you LITERALLY MADE THEM STRAIGHT UP CORRUPTY VILLAINS AND FRAMED THEM THAT WAY THE ENTIRE TIME? IS THE POINT YOU’RE N O T SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT IT? WHAT THE FUCK

did sam just say sir? and Dean not?? CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT or SOMETHING??!!

ok listen, the “We’ll go together” Sam smile, Dean looking dead/dissociating as they say yes sir? hits DIFFERENT

Ok uh wrap up?

1. Vampire lore was HELLA interesting, with the eyes glowing, dead man’s blood, second set of fangs cool. The “mate for life” thing was WEIRD, and how garbled the myth got was kinda the point so I liked it right up until the end. The one strange thing is the woman acted INSTANTLY evil once she got turned, and then they framed like people trying to live their lives was a bad thing by reinforcing it both with the visuals and the story. So like 10/10 except for the last ten minutes(hell I’ll even take the hammocks, that was kinda funny), which were just...why

actually speaking of lore, the hunter network lore and stuff was also really fun, I liked that. Again, all good except for the ending bit as far as lore

2. John....fuck john....fuck him so much I hate him so much what the hell

3. In all honesty, we haven’t gotten a lot of Dean recently, and getting that again(with that killer performance holy SHIT) is just? Oh my god?? The way they both handle being with their dad in different ways? Dean playing peacekeeper and desperately trying not to rock the boat because the oldest tends to get more shit? the hardcore dissociation at the end????

Listen I’m an older sister, of course I’m gonna project at least a little bit, leave me alone he’s my favorite emotionally stunted character

I guess we’re coming up on the end of the season, and tbh, the only good part about this is that it means john will die soon. That’s gonna be a Time. ok, till next time wheeeeee

#pawswatchesspn #1x19 Dead Man's Blood #seriously vampire lore was great i love vampire lore #i'm a castlevania stan first and a person second leave me alone #my fav character is trevor...wow I have a type don't I #ok time to go to sleep before I keep spewing more vampire meta

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