#having a goal and finding something worth staying alive for and having someone who u want to live for thats. god. that hits different

[pwapuri]

Gintsu week day 7: meant to be

It was another dawn in Edo. The katoken program had already passed and they were showing the session of the films that nobody wants to see. Gintoki woke up in a jump dreaming again about some things from the past...When he bet with Takasugi that he could find the watermelon smelling the candy, he can still hear Zura's voice in his head saying it was a bad idea. Although younger Zura was always the most prudent and pleaded with Gintoki and Takasugi to stop getting in trouble without the sensei seeing them. That was when in the dream things got mixed up and Gintoki heard kagura taking Takasugi's place encouraging him to jump off the cliff while Shinpachi cut the watermelon and said the joke was over and the years had passed. An old man with responsibilities shouldn't do these things. It was true.

Upon seeing the friends of past and present, with the ghost of time on top of everyone gintoki woke up with kagura mumbling sleep and Shinpachi without the cover that fell off the sofa. The three had fallen asleep while the katoken program.

-Hey. Go to bed ... Do you all want to get a cold or...

He looked at the two young lying on the couch without concern. How long had it been like this?

At the age that Kagura now had, gintoki had lost Shouyo to the tendoushuu and at the age of Shinpachi he had already killed so many amantos and government officials that he had stopped worrying.

That was all he had now. It was more than he could ever imagine to have. When Otose found him and took him home, Gintoki went through the front door of what is now Yorozuya and thought that how big the space was, even that the space was just three times bigger than the prison cell. There was nothing, no furniture or equipment. He thought about how he would do business being who he was, without a title or master. But as soon as began to know the neighborhood and become friends with people and so they started to trust in his services, It wasn't long before he found these two idiots who started to follow him. That  room now looked tiny. Even though Shinpachi sometimes looked at him with contempt and even though he never managed to pay the month, making them be shamed. When they looked at him with admiration, when they asked for help or advice, everything was worth it. He never thought of it as a family because it is dangerous ... as companions it might be cowardly because he knew it was more. But he liked to think that this was another one of those feelings to which no name is given.

And out of all the people he met, almost all had the same title for him ... maybe not as strong as those two little pests who lived with him and whom he paid full attention to ...

All the idiots who gathered around him made him feel that way, indescribable.

As the day came he was thinking about his own life. Those kids weren't going to stay there forever ... nothing is eternal. But where the hell had space for a normal life? Staying here and there with a woman under his arm like the gorilla couple he knew? Or Zura and ikumatsu? No ... none of that seemed natural. Just imagining it made him shiver. The only situation in which he thought to walk around having a normal life was with Ketsuno Ana because he was going to show her off to the world ... after all, it was Ketsuno Ana. But of course it wouldn't be so good in reality after all, He didn't want to burn his wings getting too close to the sun ...and speaking of sun, what time was that?

Looking at the clock, he saw that there were six. He remembered tsukuyo's schedule by chance ... always by chance.

'Believe me, this is the time when I come home.'

After asking what time the hell she stopped working, that's what she answered. He marked her words because it was hard to believe that there were people who enjoyed working so much

He started thinking about things three years ago ... about the woman who had a destiny similar to him. She killed the master herself to protect someone else. What irritated him was perhaps because she was so different from him ... working and working instead of enjoying the life that the master gave her. After thinking so much he understands, her life and his are the same. The difference is that to forget, or rather, to remember that she is alive, she works.

The two were so similar and yet so different. Damn thought that bothered him. Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't she make herself more of an idiot? Why it had to be so independent and beautiful? Beautiful ... a soul so pure and clean. Ah, that was a perfect attribute to keep him interested. But in the end it was impossible to keep something with that woman using just that ... he didn't worth it for her. He was weak and coward, afraid to lose those two lying on the couch, afraid of losing the friendship of others and was afraid of losing the life he won after losing everything two times. Starting over was tiring, new house, new goals, all of this is scary. It was already difficult to keep the feelings in place with those people around him. Imagine new sensations and the worst, new obligations.

But among those moments of fear, he wanted to throw everything up when he remembered that she liked him. She liked it enough to understand that he wasn't hers, who the hell gives up what loves to make someone else happy? What was her problem? Cowardice or courage? But after all, he didn't have the right to speak ...was he's fault to make that so clear , oh look! He thought, we are the same after all.

-maybe today she changes her mind and decides to say she loves me?

It would never happen. Otae and kyuubei were the first to say what he already knew. He was the one who must say he loved her or not. But he couldn't. First because he wasn't going to destroy her heart saying he didn't love her and secondly because he didn't like lying. It was not easy as with Sachan, that is a good woman (in many ways) but dosent work with him. Worse, she knew it and continued to insist.

Tsukuyo no, it was her and that damned hope... so he had to scream that she shouldn't have hope for a no future like him, but scream what she already knew?

Call to tell that you love her and can't live without the smell of lavender and cigarettes. That she's perfect for you in every detail. That she completes you.

Damn ... she knows. And yet she continues to look with those eyes. Eyes full of love and concern, even with a hard mouth to give cruel answers. Maybe he should call and say it. Call now!

Call and tell her to forget you, not to show up! That you can't love her and she needs to move on

What a mess...

What kind of feeling is that? As he thought again, it had no name, no shape. Where does he get these thoughts from?

Finally he picked up the phone and dialed. he thought of the bullshit he was doing on the first touch. Twisting the telephone cord sitting on the chair in the office, he began to murmur: 'Kestuno Ana I'm not cheating on you', 'believe me she's just a friend', 'this thing in my chest isn't what you thinking', 'I haven't seen her for months, I haven't spoken to her ... I'm the crooked savior of her home, I need to see how things are going', 'it doesn't mean betrayal, right?'

Four rings and no one answered. 'ah I knew ... she must have slept it, in fact it was what I should do too'

-Hello?

Everything went white. For a moment he forgot how to answer a phone. he heard the serious voice of the guardian of yoshiwara

-ham ... it's me. Is everything okay out there?

-gintoki is that you?

-Of course, did you think it was the joestar jotaro or something?

-Is this time to call? Have you looked at your watch? When was the last time you woke up so early in life?

What a regret.

-I thought something had happened, you ungrateful bitch

-What the hell would have happened that I couldn't have called the next day ?! You goddamned hollow head!

-My phone rang and I'm just checking, your stupid! -Said gintoki

All lies, the most poorly told. And she knew, again, she knew. She couldn't even hide the excitement of hearing after a night of patrol the voice of the man she loved most in the world.

-Well, it wasn't me... but I thank you for your concern. But there's nothing here that I can't handle. Unless a new yato king appears I don't need your services

-you are really stupid and boring! You will die unmarried! Damn time I called

-grumpy! Damn time I answered!

After a few seconds of silence gintoki was preparing to hang up when tsukuyo interrupted:

-but is everything really okay? Kagura and Shinpachi, are you all okay?

That was what destroyed him. She was like that, tough and sweet ... not much different from the others but something in her gentle way to say those things, how does she do that?

-yea. All right

-How about you? Is everything really okay?

Tsukuyo was never able to disguise it, she wanted to receive that call so much that it seemed like a dream. She was so happy to see that Gintoki remembered the time when she came home ... even though were it by chance. She thanked the universe and begged the man to continue the conversation

-Well, I had a weird dream ...

From that point on, the conversation lasted until the sun started to heat everything up again, until just before Shinpachi opened his eyes and saw the phone off the hook while gintoki slept on the desk. The desperation for the high bill made him yell at Gintoki and force him showering and getting ready, it was too late and they had promised to fix a roof at 11. Gintoki complained but was completely happy to have talked to tsukuyo. The two fell asleep hanging from the phone and it made them feel young again, as if for a moment everything was possible.

After all, that's what they were. The relationship between Gintoki and Tsukuyo might never leave the paper, there would never be room for a normal life ... but what was normal for them anyway? So it was enough. This enormous feeling of joy filled  and satisfied him. They never meant to be something because they were already everything for each other.

....

-Tsukuyo, Thank you for love me

-Thank you for letting me love you

__________

This was the most difficult prompt for me, I don't know why...I've tryed everything...edits, fanarts, comic. None of this managed to transmit my feels abou it. I'll make some fanart for the long prompt but, thats it!

#gintama #gintsuweek #gintsuweek 2021 #Tsukuyo #gintsu #gintoki #fanfic #otp

[saeyoungchoismaid]

Lucky Charms | chp. 1

Pairing: Satan x f!reader Genre: fantasy au Warnings: slight gore?? Summary: The hunt begins and you have until sunset to accomplish your main goals. Find a monster and be able to stay in your village.  Chapter: 1/? A/N: 2.9k WORDS GUYS. TWO. THOUSAND. NINE. HUNDRED. H U H? Lmao I never write this much what in the world. Also, I say female reader but so far the reader isn’t referred to with female pronouns so 

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As a monster hunter, you didn’t expect any of this to happen.

Well, monster hunter is a strong word. You aren’t exactly considered to even be one yet. 

You didn’t want to be a monster hunter though. This duty was placed on you as soon as you were born, so you didn’t have much of a choice. It’s not your fault that your dad was a legendary monster hunter and everyone expected you to be as well. 

Now, here you are, standing in an arena filled with hundreds of people staring down at the lot of you as they scream and cheer. You look around you to check out the competition, trying to reassure yourself that you’d be fine. That you can do this. 

But you can’t. How can you? You don’t want to kill anything. 

“Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the yearly Hunting Games! I’m your host, Thoredo!” The crowd goes quiet when the host starts to speak, everyone watching him circle the group in the middle. 

“You all know how this works but just in case you forgot or there are newcomers, I’ll explain it! Our lovely hunters here are of hunting age! They will prove their worth by going and slaying the mightiest beast they can find! Each creature known to man is placed somewhere along the point system. The more rare and harder to kill the monster is, the more points our hunter gets! To prove that they’ve slain a beast, they must bring back a piece of the monster! An eyeball from a cyclops, the nail from an ogre, a scale from a siren! Whatever can prove the killing! Our hunters have until sundown to be back or they are disqualified, also meaning they’ll be kicked out of the village!”

You gulp at the last part, trying to calm the shaking of your hands. You clench them into fists, listening to the crowd roar. Thoredo smiles at the crowd, looking at them as he rounds the group to the front of you and your peers. He then looks at each of you, a smirk coming to his face. 

“Again, you have until sunset. If you don’t get back before then, fail to slay a beast, or only kill a monster that doesn’t have enough points or isn’t on the point system at all, you will be banned from the village and you may never return. Questions?” 

Someone actually raises their hand to ask a question but they get ignored. “Great! On your mark, get set, go!” he shouts. 

You quickly run over to the table stacked with weapons. You grab a bow, a quiver filled with arrows, a dagger, and twin swords. You quickly strap it all to you before running out of the arena. Most of the other competitors took the main front entrance out of the village before dispersing. You decided to head back to your house, slipping through a split in the fence that surrounds your village. 

You run until your village is far behind you, out of sight and out of mind. You slow and catch your breath, trying to figure out what the game plan is. You’ve been thinking about this day since your father became a legend. You sigh and run a hand through your hair, your mind going a hundred miles a minute. 

Some people even expect you to miraculously find and kill a unicorn, even though they’re extinct. You hate to disappoint, but that’s not happening. Even if you did, you can’t kill it. 

You can’t kill anything. 

You sigh again, rubbing at your forehead. You’ll have to find a monster that’s already dead and just take something from it. And if you can’t even do that, you’ll just have to leave your village and find a nice cave to live in. 

You take a deep breath and nod your head once, determination filling you. You have to do this. You can do this. How hard can it be to find a dead monster?

You start to walk further into the woods, listening to the woodland creatures call out to one another. You glance up into the sky, noting the placement of the sun. It’s still late morning, so you have plenty of time to find a dead beast and return home. 

Apparently, it’s harder to find a dead monster than you originally thought. 

Hours and hours later, you’re still on the hunt. You look into the sky occasionally to see if you can see vultures circling the sky over something about to die but no luck. You shouldn’t have had your hopes so high. Some of you aren’t even expected to kill anything or come back alive. Not many things can kill such ferocious beasts and live to tell the tale. 

A little after noon, you stop by a creek to take a little break. You’ve been trekking around the woods for hours on end and your feet are starting to hurt. You stare longingly at the water, letting out your nth sigh of the day. “Sure would be nice if I could drink you,” you say to the water. You stare at it for a long moment, your brows furrowing when the water seems to sparkle, and not like the normal kind of sparkle. 

It seemed to almost glitter for a moment. Then, something urges you to drink it. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you know it’s a bad idea, that you shouldn’t, but the water just seemed so appealing. You rest on your knees and lean over the water, cupping some into your hands before bringing it to your lips. Instead of it tasting dirty or fishy, it tasted just like the water from the watering well back in your village. 

You smile and drink some more, getting plenty of water before standing. You then continue on with your walking, praying to all gods that you’ll find something to bring home. 

About three hours after the sun’s peak, you grow a bit tired again. You relax on top of a stone, catching your breath as you wipe the sweat away from your brow. After a couple minutes of relaxing, the ground suddenly shakes a bit. 

You become confused, and worried, as you slowly stand up. Your eyes flash this way and that, wondering if there’s an earthquake. You’re quickly proven wrong when you hear a roaring voice coming from within a big cave. 

“Who dares to cross into my forest!” comes a booming voice from within the cave. You gape as a monster appears before you, watching its eyes look around before landing on you. 

“You! How dare you! You must die!” the ogre roars, starting to stomp his feet. Your legs shake with the vibrations he sends through the earth, making you grab ahold of the rock you were previously sitting on to prevent you from falling. 

“I’ll leave!” you promise, wishing you could run away but the ogre doesn’t let up his stomping. He starts to laugh, pausing his brutal stomps. 

“And let my dinner leave?” he asks as he swipes at you, his brute nails scratching your arm. You cry out and move away, hearing more roaring laughter from him. Since the ground has stopped shaking, you take the opportunity to run. You just break through the trees when you hear the laughing stop, making you quickly press yourself against a tree. 

“Hey! Where’d you go, dinner?” the beast roars, its footsteps booming in the now quiet woods. Your heart attempts to fly out of your chest with how hard it’s beating, the pounding resonating in your ears. 

You gasp for air as quietly as possible, the adrenaline rushing through your veins causing your body to shake. You close your eyes for a moment, trying to think of a plan. Something in you suddenly tells you to open your eyes, the message repeating throughout your body when you don’t instantly do it. 

You take a deep breath before complying, seeing a flash of white. Your eyes widen before squinting, trying to make out what you saw. 

“Huh? Is that you, dinner?” you hear the ogre question, its footsteps moving in the opposite direction that you’re hiding. You chance a look around the tree, seeing the flash of white again. Your brows furrow before you realize this is your chance to get away. 

You start to run again, silently thanking the white entity for helping you escape. You run in the direction that you first saw it, running as fast as your legs will carry you. You run until you reach a pond, panting as you look around at your surroundings. You were keeping track of the direction you were going so you’d be able to get back to your village, but now you’re completely lost. 

You sit on the ground, continuing to look around you to see if you recognize anything. You look up and only see limbs of trees, the sun only able to slip through some gaps. You don’t know which way the sun is facing and you also don’t know how much time you have left in the day. How long have you been running? 

You sigh and lay back in the grass, feeling a cool breeze blow over your heated body. You close your eyes, feeling sudden fatigue take over your being. Maybe you can just rest for a couple of seconds?

Yeah, that couple of seconds turned into you falling asleep for a couple of hours. You awake in a panic, seeing the sun is no longer shining through the gaps in the trees. It’s still light outside but the sun isn’t high enough for the trees’ limbs to block. Now, the trunks of the trees are blocking the sun from your view. 

You quickly stand up, starting to pace as you brainstorm ideas. How are you supposed to get back? How are you supposed to bring a monster part back home? Even if you wanted to slay a beast, you probably didn’t even have the time for it. 

You run your hands through your hair for a minute or so, trying to come up with a plan; something, anything at all. As you’re conjuring up ideas, you hear a stick break behind you. 

You quickly spin around to see another flash of white. Is it the same thing that helped you before? 

“Hello? It’s you, isn’t it? The one that helped me?” you ask, spinning in a slow circle in search of the flash of white. When it flashes between two trees again, you quickly run over to it but nothing is there, of course. 

“Please come out. I won’t hurt you. I want to thank my savior. To thank my white knight,” you call out, smiling to yourself at the last part. You sigh when they don’t come out, wondering what they are. They clearly aren’t human from how fast they move. 

You start to think of different possibilities, ruling out a few things that are the wrong size or color. You walk over to the pond, looking in to see all sorts of colorful fish you’ve never seen or even heard of before. You look around the crystal clear pond, trying to spot more fish or other new species. 

Your brows furrow when you see something white reflecting in the water on the opposite side. You look up and all the air leaves your lungs, your body freezing on the spot. 

There, right before you, is a unicorn. 

The beautiful, mystical creature tilts its head back at you when you spot it. You don’t know what to do with yourself, too afraid you’ll spook it away. 

This creature helped you? But why? 

You take a deep, shaky breath before standing on quivery legs. “Hello?” you ask softly, not wanting to spook it. It huffs out air through its nostrils, taking a few steps away from you. 

“No, no. I won’t hurt you,” you say softly to not spook it from across the pond, putting your hands out in front of you. It shakes its head a bit, its white hair flying around its head at the motion. 

You start to walk around the pond when it neighs, going on its hind legs before taking off. “No!” you shout, cursing yourself for scaring it. You groan and plop back down on the ground, laying down and staring up into the trees. 

That was a once in a lifetime opportunity and you messed it up. Your eyes squint towards a tree branch, swearing that you saw a streak of bright green; a green too light to be part of the forest. You slowly sit up, staring up into the trees. Suddenly, something crashes from the trees and falls to the ground. You jump up, afraid that some creature has come to attack you. 

You’re about to pull out your sword when you realize that the creature isn’t moving. You slowly walk towards it, wanting to get a better look. That’s when you realize what it is. 

A Cockatrice. 

The Cockatrice is a male, the brown-and-green body with a green tail proving this. You make sure to keep your distance though, knowing just how deadly they are. You look around you and find a stick, taking a deep breath as you pick it up. 

You slowly lean forward, using the tip of the stick to poke the maybe-dead beast. You tense when you poke it, quickly moving away just in case it was still alive. You stare at it for a second, looking for moving of any sort but find none. 

Then, you start to smile. This is perfect! You can bring this back and get a good amount of points for this! You don’t even think anyone has ever tried to capture one of these things. You take out your sword and slowly stab it through its body. You have to make it look like you slew it, after all. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper to the grand beast despite it already being dead. The fact that it’s already dead is a whole other thing to ponder on. It doesn’t look old but then again, you don’t know all that much about Cockatrices. 

Your nose scrunches as you drop the stick and pick it up by its tail, looking it over. You’ve, obviously, never seen one up close before. Man, is it ugly. You’re still smiling though. You honestly can’t believe it. 

Your smile instantly drops when you realize that you still don’t know how to get back home. You look up towards the trees, deciding to leave this area to try and use the sun to get back home. 

After leaving the clearing and actually being able to see the sky now, you see the sun is slowly sinking closer to the earth. You curse and start to run, praying you reach your village in time. 

You run for who knows how long before finally reaching your village, seeing the village is starting to be cast in shadows. You run to the arena, hearing the grand horn blow just as you enter. You almost fall to your knees, your lungs burning, and your legs shaking from the exertion and almost giving out on you. 

You go to stand in line with the rest of the competitors on wobbly legs, dropping the Cockatrice in front of you. You pant to catch your breath, looking down the line at everyone. Some people aren’t here and some don’t have anything in front of them or in their hands. Poor fellas. 

You look forward again as the announcer starts to speak, thanking us for our hard work and bravery, and blah blah blah. He then asks each of us to step forward when the judges call our names, to show them what you slew. 

Some people did really good; others, not so much. When your name is called, you pick the Cockatrice up by its tail and step forward. 

“(Y/n) (L/n), what did you slay?” one of the three judges asks, clearly already seeing what’s in your hand but wanting you to announce it anyway. 

“A Cockatrice,” you reply in a strong voice, letting the whole arena hear you. Whispers and murmurs instantly break out in the crowd, your eyes roaming over unfamiliar faces that stare back at you. 

“A Cockatrice?” another judge asks, standing and leaning forward to get a better look at what hangs in your hand. 

“Yes. I slew this beast with my own hands,” you lie, turning it to show the cut that you put into its body. The judge nods once before sitting down, leaning over to whisper amongst the other judges. 

After a couple of pregnant moments, the middle judge stands to speak. “(Y/n), we give you a ten. Good job. You are the winner.” Cheers erupt in the crowd, your body relaxing at this news. Not only did you pass but you won. Guess it won’t be so hard to pass on your father’s legacy after all. 

“Let’s all celebrate at the tavern!” Thoredo shouts above all the cheering, starting to walk towards the exit. Everyone starts to stand from the seats, walking down the stands to go to the tavern. 

You look to the people who lost, your chest seeming to grow heavier with each look at someone who must leave their home. Some looked mad while others were crying, all looking devastated. That could’ve been you. That was almost you. 

You were just extremely lucky to have found that Cockatrice.

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[border-spam]

Leech Lord AU - Char Breakdown

Seifa A’rosk / Seifa Ur-Machina / Saint of the God King’s Mechanica

Bless u @nikyri-art​ and @lazulizard​ for the art! List of character traits and world-building facets for this character within my story. The Leech Lord Au is the one all other twins content I’ve written is set in.

Troy’s is HERE Tyreen’s is HERE

Note, ye asked and ye received. Literally my first OC ever, no clue what I’m doing, constructive feedback is 100% welcome.

Physical Details:

Right handed.

Very short, 4′11″, and rarely seen out of heeled boots.

5 years older than the twins, in her mid twenties when she came across the scabby looking rat who introduced herself as Tyreen.

Long auburn hair she usually wears in waves.

Right side shave, warm blue eyes, septum/eyebrow/labret facial piercings

Average bodyweight, hourglass shape.

Saint sigil tattoo between her shoulderblades.

Couple of small scars across torso, stab wound near navel, nicks across left ribs. 

Visible facial scar is paper thin and streaks across her right brow into her hairline. Tells everyone this was from a knife fight, but was actually from an echodevice she was trying to scavenge components from blowing in her face a decade ago. Figures she might as well try and get some intimidation points out of it.

Relaxed punk aesthetic she carries into her engineering uniform.

Usually covered in homemade jewelry.

Backstory:

Sei is a migrant junker/mechanic, and has been running a solo career as one since her late teens.

She has no memory of family, and doesn't care in the slightest. Figures she was probably sold into child labor before she was old enough to remember who they were. Loses no sleep over this and rarely gives it any thought.

Grew up traveling with her "Boss" (head of the scavenging ring who managed herself and the other skinny little kids she was raised with) between different rim planets including Pandora, scrapping and repairing tech while scavenging the thousands of ship husks dumped during the corporate wars.

Spent her formative years constantly surrounded by other children and teens who helped each other get each other through what should have been a relatively lonely existence, and developed a close family bond with many.

Retained contact with a lot of them in adulthood. They operate a network of mechanics and engineers across the system, a few of which come to work within the COV Mechanica when they realise she can offer safety.

Spent her childhood and teens learning the art of the deal from her boss, accompanying him on trade runs, market dealings, debt collections, anything and everything he figured would help her in the long term. Learned everything she could while accompanying him as a kid, like a filthy little sponge in too-big overalls and a runny nose.

Engineering and mech skills have been honed from years of pulling apart and crawling into junked ships, repairing and reselling on components for profit.

At 19, she had saved enough to purchase a shitty little rehashed transport ship from her Boss, and set out to start her own trade. They've kept in touch and are on friendly grounds. Still calls him Boss. Never actually learned his name, it didn’t matter.

Seifa spends years migrating between outer planets, building a reputation with her bartering and trade skills. Playing idiot traders like instruments, flirting her way into high profit deals, and starting bar fights. She doesn’t take part in them mind you, she’s a lady. She just starts them. 

It’s an easy way to get a group of “eager investors” to weed out the lesser competition, and leave you able to playfully manipulate yourself into the good graces of someone who’s too horny and pumped up on the hormonal rush of the fight to realise that they are the mark.

Moves to the next planet once she's outstayed her welcome, but always makes more friends than enemies.

At 25, finds a terrified and not remotely intimidating girl in a Pandoran junkyard, who pulls a gun on her. Tyreen tries to mug her with a shitty SMG that's clearly out of ammo, has a jammed trigger, and gets laughed at in response. Gets called a weird, stupid kid. Gets interrogated about how she is too old to be on Pandora and still alive if this is how clueless she is, so what’s going on? 

Ty breaks down into tears and begs to please, please get her some medicine. Her "Brother is so sick” and he's “all she has now”, and they've “no money, no supplies. It wasn’t meant to go like this, it shouldn’t have gone like this but they didn’t know what it would be like.." and in a rare moment of empathy likely routed in years of being around kids this stupid, and clueless, and dumb ... Seifa helps.

Traits: ✓ Positive x Negative:

✓ Confident, both in her appearance and knowledge.

Sei is a jack of all trades, master of none. Her range of knowledge is broad and useful, and her confidence stems both from her well maintained physical appearance, and general competency in most situations where she needs to be.

✓  Socially skilled, fast learner, adaptable. 

She’s been learning on her feet as long as she can remember, and is highly socially skilled, though a lot of her “nice” interactions can be a veneer. She holds people at arms length without them realising she’s not being as open and friendly as she appears.

✓  Self sufficient, reliable, trustworthy.

An adult lifetime of needing to rely solely on herself has left her highly sufficient, and very dependable. Seifa is the kind of person you call when you need something done, and don’t need to ask questions about how she gets you your results. You’ll get what you need.. just don’t hassle her about how she achieved it. You’ll be told to piss off, very clearly.

✓  Excellent negotiator, skilled in controlling conversations and manipulating others from years of trading for a living.

Seifa has been learning how to argue, shift conversations towards her own goals, and turn competitors on each other since she was barely able to carry a wrench. She’s an excellent dealer, and can drop into one of her many characters instantly when they’d help shift a contract towards her gain. Floozy giggling newcomer? Got it. Clueless naive big spender? No problem. Trade baroness about to crush your knuckles? Game on.

It’s something the twin strays she rescues are very interested in learning from her.

✓  Naturally friendly, and deeply caring for those she bonds with.

Sei is generally easy to get on with, between her decent set of social skills and ability to quickly read people, she comes across as quite friendly and overall pleasant to most people. She’s very slow to become genuine around others or show her caring side, an understandable side effect of the kind of life she’s lived, but her close friends are very close, and see her as one for life.

✓  Lawful Neutral.

 Morals are decent ( for a Pandoran) , and is always willing to help someone if it's not too much hassle or won’t put her out. Like the majority of people living on this rock however, she won’t put strangers before her own safety or wellbeing.

x  Very vain.

Sei will sacrifice functionality for style in the Mechanicum without a second thought, and will become frustrated and snappy if unhappy with her appearance and forced into social situations. She’s had a lifetime of curating her looks and using them as a tool, and hates being seen “out of character”.

x Self focused. 

She won’t risk harm physically or to her reputation for someone she has no stake in. Fact of life on Pandora is that people who do that don't tend to live very long, and she’s highly aware of that. Close friends and children are about it when it comes to who she’d take a risk for, and bandits slaughtering each other or ransacking towns is unlikely to be something she’d be very phased by. It’s not that she doesn’t care, she just doesn’t allow herself to.

x Irritable, easily brought to frustration or insulted. Holds grudges badly.

Seifa manages her collected and cool outer demeanor by pushing it over her emotional state. It’s a defense mechanism she’s learned from a lifetime of being in situations where emotion = weakness. Her high personal opinion of herself and pride in her skill means she takes to being insulted very easily. A subordinate who doesn’t show her respect won’t stay in her department long, and an equal who treats her like an underling? She will Never. Let. It. Go.

x Snappy and unpleasant when stressed or overworked, unable to handle emotion based arguments.

Seifa’s response to stress or frustration is to become overwhelmingly in control of the situation, and fiercely logical. Her social niceness evaporates and she defaults to the simple level of “Get this shit done NOW, and don’t question me” when it comes to dolling out required tasks. This is a bad thing to couple with arrogance. She is also completely incapable of arguing with someone who uses emotion instead of logic as their drive, and so while she is able to communicate with Troy very well even in heated times as they both default to logic, arguments between herself and Tyreen can become vicious, as neither is capable of expressing themselves in the other’s language when frustrated.

x Loyalty to close friends can overpower her better judgement in situations.

She’s completely aware of the hypocrisy of this weakness considering the front she likes to portray, being cold and unaffected by problems, but has never been able to stop herself from making this same mistake. Over and over.

x Noticeably arrogant, no respect for the chain of command.

Relying on her gut for survival through her life left her with an inflated sense of worth for her own opinion, and she finds it very hard to really convince herself that others may be the better option, or have more value than her own. This means she can also easily forget her place if she thinks a superior is in the wrong. Has earned her a stab to the abdomen and a broken wrist in the past. Both healed, both scarred. Her arrogance towards the twins, being that they are younger and far less experienced than her in general life, has caused multiple confrontation. She know’s it’s a problem, and she’s trying to get better. She really is.

Likes:

Money.

Personal freedoms.

Self reliance.

Feeling admired and appreciated.

Close companionships with friends who see her as an equal.

Her advice being heeded.

Growing plants.

Tinkering with smalltime tech and gadgets.

The safety of the COV meaning she can finally settle in one place.

Respect.

Being wanted, physically and emotionally.

Tenderness.

Gaming, watching movies, appreciating art. 

Crafting jewelry from scrap

Having her gentle, caring nature be valued.

Men.

Dislikes:

Bullshit. Can't stand people who don't communicate logically.

Being spoken down to.

Her appearance being mocked or intelligence belittled.

Social sycophancy.

Being lied to, having her trust broken when she so rarely gives it.

Unfairness, aimed at her or those she feels protective over ( friends, underlings )

Pointless violence.

Risk taking.

Most things considered *edible* on Pandora.

Men. -

Asks are Open!

#borderlands 3 #bl3 #borderlands #troy calypso #tyreen calypso #calypso twins #my writing #my hcs #seifa #leech lord

[therem-harth]

h h hewwo owoo 22 / 23 / 29 / 31 / 34 / 50 / 58 / 61 / 88 in any order, and u can also just. pick only those that u want :3

hhhh-ewwwo? I did say I wanted to chat and I desperately do not want to do work or studies so buckle in for a long post (derogatory). 22. role model? Oh man, I don’t think I have any, like, specific ones for entire things, though I do fall in my hero-worship phaes and then fall out of them like everyone else. I think that taking an entire person and being like I wanna be like them is... not for me though. But I do look up to some people for specific things - I look up to, weirdly enough, Abigail Phylosohpytube who I didn’t watch before her coming out for her graceful coming out video though she admits that the experience wasn’t obviously as smooth. I look up to lots and lots of people for their ability to create and their art (not gonna tag my fav artists bc am tiny and do not want people to look at me, but i do be reblogging). I look up to people like ConcernedApe Stardewvalley and Supergiantgames Hades for their ability to put so much soul in their work, smth I aspire to do. I look up to @not-poignant for, among other things, their idk how to say it best, wisdom in understanding and communicating with others and with myself? I’ve learned a lot by just sort of being in their periphery and seeing how they articulate their thoughts and choose to be kind and witness other’s pain. Hell, I look up to twitch streamers and youtubers sometimes (the recent nice trait I’d like to have if I ever went into bigger content production is how ibxtoycat deals with parasocial relationship realities). 23. strange habits? Hm. I don’t think drinking tea whenever I need a pick-me-up is strange, that’s just probably forcefully assigning a British nationality to me. I think my insistence on misspelling words in a way I think is lowkey funny might be one, I say thamks bc it feels softer, or thank bc it’s funny, I say sleeb, I say finkers or tryink or otherwise replace g with k for lulz. I also don’t know if it counts as a habit but I have a small leather band around my wrist that’s been there for a year soon. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm I probs have like, stranger habits but I can’t recall rn. 29. best way to bond with you? Hmm. Well, if you show initiative and are explicit about wanting to spend time with me, that’s already a big chance of me spending time with you. And then if our interests match and I don’t think that you’re like, young in a way that automatically puts me in a position where I don’t feel comfortable really being myself around you bc in my head I have to look out for you (it has happened with two of my friends, sigh), and we regularly spend time together, voila, friend acquired. It simultaneously doesn’t take much and takes a bit to be my friend and bond with me - it’s easy af to become a casual friend cuz I’m always open to new people, but there has to be a level of trust to become like, a close friend. Respecting my boundaries, talking shit with me, being explicitly committal about wanting to bond with me are big steps that way. 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Uh, I don’t do neither, but a current fave that is reasonably badass is my black tshirt with like, a ritual circle and a deer skull. V edgy, 10/10. I also used to have like a real edgy tshirt with a jester and some dice that said the game of life, but I threw it out bc dysphoria. or maybe I put it at the back of my closet along with one other shirt In Case I Get Top Surgery so I can wear them then. 34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? Many, such is the nature of advertising, alas. I have managed to avoid most of it tbh though, so the only place I am forced to sit through ads so they stick is my scrabble capitalist nightmare app where I play and always beat haha my coursemate. And they have adds for those shitty apps where you have to solve a puzzle that ends up failing in the add and like, drenching a man in green goo. I find those kinda fascinating tbh. Who plays these games? Who plays these shitty shitty games whose ad has to be “prove your IQ“ to make you want to prove yourself to play them? Oh and also, the insidious nature of ads in media I consume - the mcelroys have gotten me informed about many many things bc they do it in a funny way. Have you heard about squarespace? What about meundies? I also literally installed honey yesterday that I knew abt bc of the relentless adds and I wanted to save, uh, 2.50 from my minecraft server purchase (and then spent some time googling how they make money before giving up. just say u sell my data, that’s easier than not knowing what part of this makes you money). I was tired and in a weird mood, ok. 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? It’s always the stupidest jokes, what matters more is laughing together with someone and getting caught in a laughing loop. I still remember laughing with my siblings until our stomachs really really hurt bc I think one of us said a rug was vomit-colored and it was funny in the moment. How many times have I laughed like that with you too, vit. I know that Laura’s one is nostrilatu, right? :D :D It’s just something that catches you off guard, I think.

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Oh shid. Hm. 1) My ability to analyze data and understand the basic building blocks of something. Makes me cool at studying and sexy at explaining things to my course-mates. 2) Not a talent more like a skill that I’ve worked hard on through therapy - but my inner positive voice/healthy parent is very strong and automatic (something I was sure would never happen). A good example is me going out for a walk, my phone dying so I can’t listen to music, when I went in my head “well I can always make music in my head. do-do-do *drum sound*“ and I could feel the wave of self-reprimand cresting but before I could actually hear any negative comments the positive voice said with a light of a thousand suns NO THAT IS ACTUALLY CUTE AND SEXY and just haaaaaaah. 3) I sing good. Need to sing more. 4) I think I’m good at making conversation. Even with people I don’t necessarily like or want to talk to. More of a skill again but whatever. 61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Do not come to me and ask for favorites, witch. Uh, I have some quotes in my notes app, like 7 from Pia’s writing :D. But imma go with “It’s a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in the broken world“ by Mary Oliver. It counts, ok. Or, wait, something I will for real one day either crosstitch of commission shitpostcalligrapher: “t’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. “What are we holding onto Sam?” “There’s good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.“” 88. your greatest wish? Hrm. Right now? To have like a couple days with no responsibilities and without the outside world bearing on me as heavily, to be tiny tiny tiny so I’m invisible and can drink tiny tea on a tiny leaf. Uh, in general? My recently formulated wish or a goal is stability/peace. Then everything else becomes ok because you can bounce back to stable ground between feeling shit or everything happening so much. And I’ve sort of reached that. Also like, half a million euros would be nice too so I can get a house and a car and go on a few trips abroad. :D // there’s two ask memes in my blog recently, go wild

#long post #derogatory #personal #i think the wish to be tiny was there more last week #now i just wanna have nice things and fun and a bit of rest but am otherwise less overwhelmed #also hey. talks #chats

[ackermental]

Would you explain to me why do u even considered ship Rivamika? Yes, they are attractive, they are strong, they are badass, but what about the chemistry? There are not even one canon argument that support this ship, so i wonder what happens in your minds rivamika shippers I really want to know and it's not to be rude, it's just because I, and the most of fandom find this so ilogic (I'm not considering the incest or pedofilia argument) it's something just realistic, rivamika is impossible.

So let me summarize it, Nonny.

You have two characters whose potential relationship in your book is neither incest nor pedophilia.

You have two characters who have lost their families twice over. You have two characters who were for years considered by many people as weird and dangerous and are still often seen only from the perspective of their strength, tactical purposes and attractiveness.

You have two people sharing a lot of the same characteristics, two people whose only reason to join survey corps was to keep their friends/men/family safe. Something that many other characters absolutely have on their minds too, but for our two Ackermans it was their fundamental goal. Not being the savior of the human kind, not avenging anyone, not proving their fathers were right about something, not acting on someone's orders, not wishing to keep their own asses safe, wanting to proove their worth to their parents or wishing to see the world for their deceased mom and dad. They joined for all those morons with their agendas to make sure that everyone would stay alive.

You have two of them sharing the same mysterious bloodline and perhaps memories from their ancestors. You have two of them meeting on a god damned battlefield, establishing their similarities from day one. Similarities that are only growing as the story progresses. You have moments in canon where two of them show each other actual respect, trust, interest which is also only growing more and more to the point of Levi standing beside Mikasa like some awkward tsundere buffer between her and Azumabito family, not saying a fucking word.

The thing is, the two of them are outcasts. And lets stop pretending this is not the case, just because no one is throwing rocks at their heads, after all you do not do shit like that to a person who can knock you out with a finger. They are lonely, and of course they would feel like this, living behind walls, surrounded by people of different race, who are either fascinated, jealous or scared of their skills. And just because Levi and Mikasa are not lying on the floor, crying their eyes out, it doesn't mean that they are not bothered by this.

I've said it before and I will say it again, although both Eren and Armin care for Mikasa she is a third wheel in their EMA triangle and she's been portrayed that way from the beginig of SNK. Armin is very fond of her, true, and I would say that he is a character that loves Mikasa the most, but she is not a charismatic beacon, that he would follow to his burned, crispy end. Of course this dynamic changed now, but the reality of him looking at Eren with puppy eyes for years remains. And Eren and Mikasa don't understand each other at all. Their absolute miscommunication sometimes is so impactful, that I have to put manga down and take a walk with my dog.

But she still loves them, 'cause they are her family and if they are gone she will be alone and she will have to start again on her own. This is a fear that follows her constantly, it is something that drives her actions all the time.

And Levi gets it. This is the reason why he doesn't snap at her after she holds a blade to his throat. Why he just calmly points out that she has to keep her mind clear or pats her head instead of at least barking at her, if not giving her a kick in the face or the ass.

Because just like her he is an outcast since he was a kid, though I will admit that living with loving parents outside of the city in the forest, even with the knowledge that you are a persecuted minority, is nothing compared to being a son of a sexworker living in the Underground.

And I don't think that I have to point out, that Levi's greatest tragedy is that he is constantly loosing people. He lives a life that Mikasa dreads.

Rivamika beautiful future babies, their hotness and "I found my soulmate" trope aside. The two of them are a core of one of the most important plotline, no, scratch that, they are a plotline in this story and you are asking me why I ship them? What kind of world do we live in? It should be me asking people why they don't.

To answer your question, this is what made Rivamika my otp, anon. The potential for both of them finding someone that will stay, that will get them. Someone that is just as strange, proving that they are not complete weirdos, that there is a reason why people all around are dying like flies and they barely lose a sweat. Reason other than them being beasts or monsters.

Now, if you believe that Mikasa or Levi have more chemistry with other characters, be my guest. I am a declared multishiper, either outcome will satisfy me. It's just that story telling and actual characterisation gets me more than chemistry.

#rivamika

[makoskies]

character analysis

* Disclaimer: This is based off of a lot of my own headcanons of Zack and canon divergent verses where he lives post-game. Also, this is just a really long post. Proceed with caution.

tagged by: @culturedconjurer​ THANK U FOR TAGGING ME IN THIS this was a lot of fun!!!! tagging: @sweettifalockhart​ @gunsandpuppies​ @nymphatragicae​ @officiums​ AND WHOEVER ELSE WANTS TO DO IT!! INDULGE ME!!!! LET ME READ ALL UR HEADCANONS ABOUT UR CHARACTER(S)!!!!!!!

GENERAL.

full name.  Zack Fair pronunciation. zæk fɛər nicknames. Puppy, Pup; best not to call him this unless you’re Angeal or someone else that’s close to him.  height. 190 cm / 6′3″ age. 16-26, verse-dependent zodiac. Rat (1984) languages. The nebulous canon/common language of the FF universe...

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour.  Black eye colour. Mako blue-green skin tone.  I headcanon him closer to a tan like his Crisis Core overworld sprite, in comparison to his HD renders. body type. Mesomorph accent.  Not exactly sure how I would want it to sound, but he has a kind of country twang from his village of Gongaga in which he sometimes slurs his words and uses some interesting contractions. After a few minutes of speaking to him, you can definitely tell he’s a country boy. dominant hand.  Right. Being part of SOLDIER though, Zack was trained to be proficient with his left as well. posture.  He has pretty good posture, especially good during combat, but when he’s in a casual setting he does let loose. More often than not, he’s bounding with energy, even to the point of nervous energy, and speaks with lots of body movement. scars. The telltale X-shaped scar on his left cheek and various ones all over his body from combat. tattoos.  Sticking true to my brand, I’d really like for him to have one on his back... maybe a combination of angel wings, flowers, wolves... [vague hand gestures.] It would be a combination of things that represent his closest friends. most noticeable features.  Definitely the Mako eyes and the fact that he just can’t seem to sit still for more than five minutes. You can almost see his eyes glow brighter when he’s physically stimulated as if they’re trying to release the overflowing energy in his body.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth.  Gongaga in FFVII-verse; Radiant Garden in KH-verse hometown.  Same as birthplace. birth weight / height.  He was probably a smaller baby who ended up going through some crazy growth spurt in his teenage years. manner of birth.  A normal birth, nothing exciting. His mom probably gave birth to him in their home in Gongaga with the help of a midwife. first words. Probably something like.. “Go!” siblings. ��None. parents. Both alive, at least until the Reactor nearby is blown up by AVALANCHE. The explosion kills both his parents in the process. This is something I really want to explore with AVALANCHE roleplayers because it’s one of the few times Zack would be full of sheer anger. parental involvement.  He was definitely pretty close to them, writing back to them while he was enlisted in SOLDIER whenever he could. Zack’s parents also ask about him when the party visits Gongaga in FFVII. They definitely love him but they let him do his own thing, not like they could really stop him even if they wanted to.

ADULT LIFE

occupation.  Timeline and verse dependent. SOLDIER 2nd class to 1st class in FFVII-verse, helps out with the Strife Delivery Service post FFVII; Radiant Garden Restoration Committee in KH-verse current residence. Timeline and verse dependent. Gongaga pre-FFVII:CC, Midgar FFVII:CC-FFVII, Edge post-FFVII. Olympus Coliseum KH:BBS, Radiant Garden KHII-III. close friends. Verse dependent. Angeal, Cloud, Aerith, Tseng, and Cissnei in FFVII:CC (we must also remember Kunsel!), the whole main party in FFVII. The Radiant Garden Restoration Committee and the Wayfinder Trio in KH. relationship status. In my headcanon, he’s in a really happy poly-relationship with Aerith, Cloud, and Tifa. But in terms of this blog, it’s verse dependent. financial status.  Probably pretty well off. Still not as good as the Turks though. driver’s license. He definitely should have one as SOLDIER. criminal record. ... Ambiguous after he escaped from Hojo’s lab, at least according to Shinra. 

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.  Bisexual romantic orientation. Biromantic preferred emotional role.  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch  |  unsure preferred sexual role.  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch  |  sex repulsed libido. Average to high turn on’s. Zack is a very tactile person, so making out and general intimate touches for sure, ranging anywhere from like gentle kisses to more NSFW behavior. He’s the type to initiate these touches, sometimes in public if his partner is into that, and delights in his their reactions. Dirty talk and teasing is also high on this list because of those reactions ESPECIALLY DURING COMBAT. Honestly, he’s pretty easily turned on but he’s only intimate with people he really loves. turn off’s.  Any.. extreme kinks.. I don’t think he would be into things like degradation at all. People who are insincere or needlessly mean. love language.  P H Y S I C A L T O U C H and words of affirmation as a secondary. Like for example, how does Aerith comfort him after Angeal’s death? She hugs him, and he responds by leaning back into her. He doesn’t talk, doesn’t make a sound past his cries, but he lets her know what he needs by returning her touch. Even in his own death scene, he can barely move, but he pulls Cloud close to him, the closest thing to a hug he can muster, like he’s trying to show Cloud how important it is that he continue to live and to chase his dreams. I feel like physical touch is so important to him because sometimes.. sometimes there are things that he can’t put into words, not to the extent that he feels them. He wants people to feel how he does, and what better what to do that than through touch? relationship tendencies.  He is admittedly a little bit of a flirt, but only if he’s not currently committed to someone. It’s not because he’s a player or a heartbreaker or finicky. No, it’s more like he just sees the good in everyone and sees a lot of people as deserving and worth loving. Over time though, as he gets to know someone more, he’ll figure out if he actually wants to be committed to that person. He’s likely to be the first to confess and ask someone out once he’s interested. Once he’s committed, holy hell you will find no one more loyal. HE WOULD LITERALLY DIE FOR HIS PARTNER(S) OKAY!

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song. "The Price of Freedom” from the Crisis Core OST, of course. If I had to choose a theme song though... Like Not To Be Me (TM), but I think a good theme song for him would be “Bishops Knife Trick” by Fall Out Boy.  “I got a feeling inside that I can’t domesticate/ It doesn’t wanna live in a cage/ A feeling that I can’t housebreak.” I feel like this lyric just really captures Zack’s... almost desperation to accomplish the goals he’s set for himself in life. He’s a little reckless, a little headstrong, and his impulses can get the better of him, but that’s just who he is. “And I’m yours/ ‘Til the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll away/ I’m struggling to exist with you and without you.” And of course, he’s fiercely loyal to the people he loves—even when they test his morals and understanding of the world, like Angeal. He struggles to understand Angeal’s view of the world, of himself, but no matter how difficult it is, he just keeps trying because he loves him. hobbies to pass the time. SQUATS ALL DAY EVERYDAY BAYBEE. Definitely exercise and sports. He’s also really handy, as can be seen when he crafts that little flower cart for Aerith. He probably just ends up making a lot of things for his loved ones to make their life easier: a flower cart for Aerith, armor for Cloud. He also would very much absorb the hobbies of his loved ones, like Aerith’s gardening. mental illnesses. After all the shit that goes down in Crisis Core, I think he would have some form of PTSD. He wouldn’t do well with loud, sharp sounds—too reminiscent of the sound of bullets. He would also probably have night terrors. To be honest though, I’m probably going to stay away from writing things like this because I’m just not educated enough in it. physical illnesses.  None really, though he may be a little screwed up because of the intense exposure to Mako during Hojo’s experiments. left or right brained. Right. He’s much more inclined to follow impulse and instinct. He definitely trusts more in what he feels than just the cold hard facts. fears. His loved ones being in danger and not being able to do anything about it. Maybe worse than that though would be having his loved ones be in danger, being able to protect them, but failing at it. His whole mantra is that he wants to become a hero, he wants to save other people from danger. For him to fail at that, at the cost of the people he personally loves, that would just destroy him. self confidence level.  I would say that Zack is more self-confident than the average person—that just naturally comes with his ambition—but it comes with moments of extreme self-doubt. Despite his appearance, he can be awfully introspective, especially in the face of failure. During these times, it’s more of his ego that pushes him along (I’m a Second Class SOLDIER, of course I can do these things. I’m strong and outdid most of my colleagues during training, etc.) until he kind of restores that genuine confidence. vulnerabilities. Zack is forgiving and empathetic to a fault. Like I mentioned earlier, he always sees the good in people even when, in my opinion at least, they’re beyond saving. If someone played the long game with him, convinced him that they were this good, redeemable person, they would very much be able to get him on their side. Zack is by no means unintelligent so he would of course see through like poor attempts at deception, and it’s not like he would just mindlessly do something because someone told him to... but if someone played the game right, the potential to manipulate him is very much there. And also, because he’s so empathetic, that forces him into a lot of tough situations where he has to make a decision as to what is right and wrong, what he should and should not tolerate. Even if the decision might be obvious, it doesn’t mean it’s an easy one to make.

#ʚɞ : development #this is a Really Long Post #pls don't feel pressured to read all of it #like as the mun i've always known zack is really different from me #but M A N are we two completely opposite people #but i think that's the fun in rping him #i just hope i can understand him enough to do him justice #HE'S MY FAVORITE BOY

[avallcnis]

TAGGED BY:  @godowned (thank u...) TAGGING: this thing is so long but fun to do, so steal it if you want!

►   GENERAL.

HEIGHT:  5′8″ (178 cm)   WEIGHT:  149 lbs (68 kg)  — merlin’s really quite heavily built for his height. whilst he’s not excessively muscular he’s capable of easily wielding excalibur, an arming sword which isn’t light. he’s built as someone who carries and uses such a weapon would need to be, which is to say he’s a solid little bastard. ETHNICITY:  european, ‘welsh’. OCCUPATION:  absolute fucking goblin acting as a heroic spirit, specifically the grandcaster. GENDER:  prefers he/him. ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  makes absolutely no identification in this field. isn’t interested in labels.  MBTI:  entp - the visionary. the entp personality type is the ultimate devil’s advocate, thriving on the process of shredding arguments and beliefs and letting the ribbons drift in the wind for all to see. unlike their more determined judging (j) counterparts, entps don’t do this because they are trying to achieve some deeper purpose or strategic goal, but for the simple reason that it’s fun. no one loves the process of mental sparring more than entps, as it gives them a chance to exercise their effortlessly quick wit, broad accumulated knowledge base, and capacity for connecting disparate ideas to prove their points.

►   SPECIFICS.

FAVOURITE FOOD:  any strong positive emotions. FAVOURITE DRINK:  generally just water or fruit juices, but does enjoy wine. FAVOURITE HOBBY:  he doesn’t specifically have one, though he does enjoy reading to which end he reads vast amounts. he doesn’t stick to one particular genre and will read genuinely awful books to incredibly good ones. FAVOURITE SCENT:  light floral scents or musky ones. FAVOURITE PERSON:  arturia.

►   TEN FACTS.

his hair is absolutely awful to wash and takes forever. as well as being long it’s ridiculously thick, meaning to wash it properly he’s going to be there well over an hour. 

he’s strictly vegetarian, both due to being a shapeshifter and the fact he doesn’t need to eat so isn’t going to kill something/have something killed to satisfy whatever desire to taste something pleasant he may be having in a given moment. merlin has vastly different views on animals, humanising them to incredible degrees.

if you catch his eyes with a light in the dark they’ll do that silly glowy thing cats’ do due to having tapetum lucidum, which is either a hilarious party trick or absolutely terrifying depending on if you’re aware of this fact/expecting it. 

merlin doesn’t look to the past and as a result doesn’t often ‘regret’ things, however when it comes to arturia he does so on a deep level. whilst he cannot and will not regret the fact she died (humans die and, sadly, that was the point in her life where she had to die), he regrets vastly the way in which he raised her and the lessons he taught her. at the time he didn’t see the damage he was doing, but in retrospect he does and he loathes himself for it.

merlin likes avalon, but ultimately prefers the realm in which humans reside for all he does not view himself as a creature which should be in said realm. he stays/returns to avalon out of a misguided sense of duty. the reality of it is that perhaps he sees himself as belonging to neither place, though finds himself tied to each in different ways. avalon is where he feels he must be, but the realm of humans is where he wishes to be.

whilst he likes avalon he does not like his tower. it is symbolic to a great many things he would prefer to forget, and as such is not somewhere he has any real desire to be. his continuing to return to it is a continuation of self inflicted punishment.

his primary defence against other people is to just shapeshift them into a harmless creature and leave. he’s not someone overly interested in conflict, and will do weird shit to try and avoid engaging where possible.

he doesn’t withhold information to be nasty/fuck with people as a rule, usually it is because telling people things too early can have negative effects which may end in less than ideal results. he tells people things when it is important that they know, and whilst his withholding of information is no doubt frustrating his reason for doing it is a good one. at least in his own mind.

he doesn’t actually like himself. he falls in a weird place of being confident (he knows he’s attractive, he knows he’s powerful) but simultaneously just not liking himself.

he isn’t a heroic spirit. he’s alive. he’s a living breathing person. he hasn’t been summoned and cannot be summoned. the version of himself in chaldea is either him entirely in full physical form, or it is a self manifested aspect of himself similar in substance to a heroic spirit.

►   FIVE THINGS HE LIKES.

BOOKS  —  as mentioned he loves to read. if you leave him alone you can guarantee you’ll come back and his nose will be in a book, be it one from avalon or one from the realm in which humans reside. he loves all books.

HUMANS  —  in general he loves humans as a whole, be them good or bad he still loves them. merlin does not need to like an individual person to objectively love what they are as a person, taking a fairly altruistic view of them. his purpose, were he to define it, is to love humans.

ANIMALS  —  merlin can shapeshift and understand animals in some sort of loose way. he tends to view animals on the same level as worth as people, often times preferring their company over humans’ due to their more uncomplicated natures in certain aspects. his views in this regard extend to the fantastical creatures of avalon to the ‘real’ ones of the regular world.

SO-BAD-THEY’RE-GOOD FILMS  —  merlin is more picky about films than books, but there’s certain genres which he will happily watch. this is one such thing, especially when it comes to the super cheesy vintage ones which don’t take themselves too seriously.

CONTACT  —  he’s tactile. he wants to touch and be touched in kind, even outside of a sexual setting. he will touch people regardless of setting unless they raise and overly pointed fuss about it making them uncomfortable, at which point he will generally endeavour to curb it. his contact isn’t always an overt thing, sometimes being brushing arms whilst walking, hands catching if he passes something, or sitting closer than another might deem necessary.

►   FIVE THINGS HE DISLIKES.

OVERT CRUELTY  —  as an individual who is likely defined by his love (which is probably ironic given what he says about himself) excessive cruelty between people or from people to creatures disturbs him deeply. Whilst he is used to it-- has experienced it-- he is not desensitised to it.

MODERN MAGES  — whilst he may like certain individuals as a generalised rule it’s not a practice he likes. he finds it terribly backwards, focusing on the wrong things whilst simultaneously inspiring people to do awful things in the pursuit of the root. it’s so far from merlin’s own personal values that he struggles to comprehend it, finding it foolish at absolute best. again, there are some he likes(?) as people but the concept as a whole is barbaric to him.

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS  — they’re more satisfying for him to consume and provide far more to him nutritionally, but he doesn’t like eating them and won’t if he’s given any other option. if he feeds on excessive negative emotions it will cause drops in his own moods, even if not severe ones. positive emotions are comparatively akin to junk-food; they taste great, but they’re ideally not what he should be feeding on.

PEOPLE TRYING TO GET CLOSE —  merlin tries to keep everyone at arm’s distance, meaning that when people take it upon themselves to try and get past this it makes him uncomfortable. merlin doesn’t want to run the risk of getting attached, meaning he doesn’t want people close enough for him to get attached to. in line with this people who’re excessively soft will do him a hard stress, since it’s hard not to be fond of people like that.

GRANDCASTER  —  the title is not one he wants, not one he asked for, and not even one he deserves since he is not a servant. if anything gilgamesh should be grandcaster. the title is just another thing to separate him from humanity, another thing making him more inhuman. keep in mind solomon was the one to hold this title first, and it was only in abandoning the title that he became ‘human’.

►   WORDS / PHRASES THAT ANNOY HIM.

AN EYE FOR AN EYE  —  revenge isn’t something merlin condones, isn’t something he cares for, and is something he abhors. throughout much of his time with people merlin has been treated badly, has been met with with cruelty despite doing nothing to merit it. it would be easy for merlin to be cruel, easy for him to lash out and hurt people as he has been, but he doesn’t and this is an integral part of his narrative as a character. merlin chooses love over hate, and against someone which would chose hate and revenge he finds himself at an impasse. 

►   PERSONALITY TYPES HE PREFERS.

KIND / BRAVE / NOBLE PERSONALITIES  —  if someone is a fundamentally good person than merlin will like them and, where possible, will offer them as much aid as might be appropriate in whatever the circumstances are. he will by default surround himself with people like this, finding them easiest for him to be around. even so though he will attempt to maintain his distance, so it may not be obvious that this is where he finds comfort if one does

►   PERSONALITY TYPES HE AVOIDS.

CRUEL / EXCESSIVELY ARROGANT / SELF-CENTRED PERSONALITIES  —  essentially ‘tyrants’ in a genuine sense. they’re personalities that can make him fairly uncomfortable, though given his exposure to them from a young age he’s all equipped at handling and deflecting them. the values of people like this are far removed from merlin’s own, making him entirely incompatible with people like this for all he can and will endure their presence without much fuss.

#·͙˚̩̥̩̥ ✧･ﾟA DEMON OF THE SOFTEST KIND ━ headcanons

[tarushipping]

The kind of music that comes to mind for Law and us happens to be music I listen to a lot so I got a little carried away and ended up with a pretty full playlist! I tend to be super picky with my choices and so I’m surprised with how much I picked and how proud I am of it? I might add more in the future tbh;;

Since I’ve put way too much thought into this, I thought I’d write a post over-detailing each song and explaining every pick~! The order of songs roughly follows along how our relationship progresses. 

Human - Daughter

“Take me out of this place I'm in || Break me out of this shell-like case I'm in” “I think that I'm still human” “Underneath the skin there's a human || Buried deep within there's a human || And despite everything I'm still human || But I think I'm dying here”

We escape from our painful pasts, but what’s leftover is bad reputations and nightmares. Even if the world thinks we’re monsters, we’re still human. But sometimes it’s hard to ignore what they say...

(there’s a lot so more under the cut)

Your Bones - Of Monsters and Men 

“Troubled spirits on my chest || Where they laid to rest. || The birds all left my tall friend || As your body hit the sand.” “Said goodbye to you my friend, || As the fire spread.” “So hold on, || Hold on to what we are, || Hold on to your heart.”

After loosing his family, friends, and entire town he grew up in, a child Law became twisted. He wanted to destroy the world that destroyed his, but Corazon still saw the hurting child in him. So he saved him and restored his heart, even at the cost of his own life...

Misguided Ghosts - Paramore

“See I'm trying to find my place || But it might not be here where I feel safe” “Would someone care to classify, || Our broken hearts and twisted minds || So I can find someone to rely on” “We are just || Misguided ghosts || Traveling endlessly || The ones we trusted the most || Pushed us far away”

I leave my prestigious Marine family after being shown how little of a ‘family’ they really are. I spend my years building up my reputation, wandering from ship to ship and keeping my identity secret. Never settling anywhere, I wonder if I’ll ever find a ‘family’ I can actually rely on...

Sleep Baby Sleep - Broods

“I could be the one to give you all I am || With a gentle touch and a foolish love || You could be the one to carry all my troubles away” “The morning's on its way || You know it's only just a dream || Oh sleep baby sleep” “The beauty of this mess is that it brings me close to you”

After the chaos of Punk Hazard and the quiet before Dressrosa, Law and I make a deal. We make detailed plans in his dreams as I offer my full cooperation. But what he doesn’t realize is that I’ve got this feeling that we’re similar deep down. That maybe there’s connection between us...

Peace of Mind - The Pale White

“Let's pretend and slip into disguise || I'm the prey and you're the crocodile” “Got your invitation, don't think I can make it || I'm too busy needing peace of mind, peace of mind” “I'm not well and I need peace of mind, peace of mind || It's alright with peace of mind, mind, mind”

With the Strawhats, samurai, Law, and my alliance, we sneak into Dressrosa. Even though we have several objectives, Law’s real goal is to take down Doflamingo. If he could fulfill what Corazon was trying to do all those years ago, maybe he’d be able to finally get some peace of mind...

Stitches - Switchfoot

“I'm not the only one not sleeping || I'm not the only one who's dreaming out loud || Dreaming out” “In stitches here tonight || We are ripping the seams || There's something missing || Children of the in-between”

The fate of everyone in Dressrosa hinges on if Luffy and Law can finally defeat Doflamingo and his family. As the stakes get higher, Law starts realizing that not only are the Strawhats laying their lives on the line, but I’m also fighting like I’m facing my own inner demons...

Nocturne - Blanco White

“If I was awake there's a world that I left || Never far behind from the time that I spent on the Arctic ice” “But in the night she's ashamed || Till her drop through a darkened sea below, beyond the world || How deep does the water go?”

In the aftermath, Law is left with the memories of that last cold night Corazon was alive. He’d been haunted by the darkness of his past his entire life, but for the first time, he’s finally gotten free of them. But he can still recognize that same darkness lingering in me...

The Only Thing Worth Fighting For - Lera Lynn

“Waking up is harder || Than it seems || Wandering through these empty rooms of || Dusty books and quiet dreams” “What I said was never || What I meant” “Weren't we like a pair of thieves || With tumbled locks and broken codes” “My small reprieves || Your heart of gold || Weren't we like a battlefield || Locked inside a holy war”

Dark feelings still cling to me, but as I reflect on the events of Dressrosa, warmth creeps in. It felt unstoppable, the two of us planning and fighting together. And I take comfort in understanding more about Law than I ever thought I would...

Ghosting - Mother Mother

“I've been ghosting || I've been ghosting alone || Ghost in the world || Ghost with no home” “Hey, would it be so bad if I stayed” “And this is why I have decided || To pull these old white sheets from my head || I'll leave them folded neat and tidy || So that you'll know I'm out of hiding”

After meeting the Heart Pirates on Zou, I take a chance. Slowly, I try to fight off my doubts and open up again as we start traveling together. Maybe here is where I can find that ‘family’ I’d been looking for...

Only In Dreams - Weezer

“You can't resist her || She's in your bones || She is your marrow” “Only in dreams || We see what it means || Reach out our hands || Hold onto hers || But when we wake || It's all been erased || And so it seems || Only in dreams”

I show up in Law’s dreams, but I’d already promised to not ‘haunt’ anyone on the crew. As much as he tries to resist, he knows he’s dreaming of me on his own...

Haunted - Radical Face

“You wear the night like it's your coat || And you're always laughing || But you always look afraid” “Hands against my eyes || I hear you crying in your sleep” “Yeah I think we're haunted”

As nights pass, Law and I share meals, thoughts, and memories. No matter what seems to be happening around us, we seem to catch each other’s eyes and already understand things without saying them. He really starts understanding me and understanding that behind my cheerful persona, there’s a lot of hurting...

R U Mine? - Arctic Monkeys

“Keep imagining meeting, wished away entire lifetimes || Unfair we're not somewhere misbehaving for days” “She's a silver lining lone ranger riding through an open space || In my mind when she's not right there beside me” “All I wanna hear her say is are you mine? || Well are you mine?”

Law invites me to join his crew, but he knows I’m a drifter. Everyone already seems to have accepted me as part of the Heart Pirates-everyone but me. And as his frustration about me not joining grows, all he really wants to ask is if I’m his...

Vertigo - Anya Marina

“The song you sing || Gives me vertigo” “Oh oh I was || Singing to myself || Whoa whoa || Pretending you were there” “This || Medicine's experimental || This || Medicine it's making me well”

Law is used to doctoring sicknesses and injuries of all sorts, but the sort of medicine I receive is slowly healing my heart. It’s becoming harder to handle my feelings from spilling out and I’m enjoying every second of it...

Feeling You - Harrison Storm

“I hope you come where I’m going || And babe my hands are free” “There was a time I remember || Breathing air like this || But that was when I was younger” “Every single way (I’m feeling you) || I won’t let you go”

After the events of Wano, Law and I’s deal we made before Dressrosa comes to a close. And now that we don’t have an excuse to keep traveling together, we finally have to admit that we don’t want to let go of each other...

#playlist #stealing hearts

[jemej3m]

Only

Sorry.

There’s only so much you can do, Neil thought, sitting on the couch. 

Matt out was getting dinner, staying only overnight.

He still hated it, being alone. He’d spent too much time alone, and had never opted for it, if given a choice. 

Long distance meant he didn’t have one.

It wasn’t like his fifth year at Palmetto: He had purpose, and he had a role to fill. A team to bring to success. A coach with a careful eye, an almost-friend to become close to. 

There was nothing like that here, in New York. 

He was living in the most horrible of apartments, because he was paranoid. He’d made the cut, but pleasing the Moriyamas depended on how well his team would succeed that season. 

That wasn’t purpose. It was survival, all over again. Eating because it was necessary, sleeping because it was necessary. 

And fuck -- even Exy. He felt the same rush when he leapt and slung a ball just out of reach of the goal keeper’s net, but the ever-present weight still sat on his shoulders. Knowing that he couldn’t play this sport just because he loved it, but that he had to give what he earned over in exchange for his life.

He wouldn’t be able to quit exy, even if he was starting to hate it. 

Which he was. 

Practise reminded him of when he willingly agreed to signing his life down, because he’d thought there hadn’t been any other alternatives. There had been alternatives. Neil of all people should have remembered that: There was no one way to get out of a sticky situation. It was never simply life or death. 

He should have offered something else. There was a buzz in his brain that he couldn’t ignore, and it made it difficult to think, but there had to be some other way he could have done it. 

A way that wouldn’t have torn him and Andrew apart, putting hundreds of miles between them. 

Maybe -- maybe if they were together, actually together -- this wouldn’t have happened. 

Exy was -- had been -- everything. To Neil. But he knew that he would put Andrew above his career, which whittled down to the simplest of facts Neil already knew: He would die. For Andrew. To keep Andrew alive. To keep Andrew happy. 

Blindly, Neil thought that Andrew thought more or less the same. He’d had enough of repeating his old mantra of I’m nothing. He wasn’t nothing. But he wasn’t anything to Andrew. 

Six days, no calls, no texts. Absolutely nothing, not since Neil had sent the i know about him. 

Foolishly, he’d called Nicky. 

“Oh. Neil.” Nicky was foolish and in perfect love with a man who was in perfect love with him. “I -- Maybe Andrew’s just an open-relationship person. It might not mean he doesn’t--” Nicky cut off unsubtly, because no one ever mentioned it around either of them. They didn’t know what it meant. “--you. Not any less. Some people just are -- bigger than one person.”

But I’m not. Neil wasn’t. He was the narrowest of pin holes: He was pretty sure that there would only be one man he could feel this way for. For the same man to be able to see beyond Neil was -- a pretty absurd idea. 

Nicky had apologised, Neil had nodded despite it being a phone call, knowing Nicky couldn’t see him, and hung up before he could hear another one of Nicky’s sighs. 

He’d turned to Matt, instead, who lived in Augustus but was up in New York. He’d said he was visiting his mother for the week -- Neil knew a lie when he heard one -- and promised to come over. 

Half of the scotch bottle on the table in front of Neil was empty. The buzzing in his head wouldn’t go away. 

“I’m back, buddy.” Matt eyed the bottle. “Too drunk to eat?”

“I’m not drunk.” Neil’s voice sounded quiet and small. 

“I’m sorry, Neil.” When Matt was already halfway through his container of take-out.

“I don’t understand why people are apologising.” Neil was just stabbing his food. He wasn’t hungry. 

“It’s a way of trying to connect with you, on an emotional level.” Matt had never laughed at Neil fumbling around with how to talk to people as a person. He’d always just been blunt and factual but forgiving and understanding when Neil fucked up or didn’t know what to say. 

Neil really appreciated that. 

“He cheated on you, Neil. That’s what it is: I can see you trying to work it out under those curls.”

Neil stabbed at his food again. “Makes me sound like some distressed wife on a reality TV show.”

“He didn’t tell you. You never agreed to it. That makes it cheating. Nicky’s ‘he could just be an open-relationship’ is bullshit and you know it. You know him better than all of us.”

“I want to ignore it.” Neil hated how raw it sounded. “But I’m mad, too. I don’t understand it.”

“You’d think he’d be more careful.” Mat murmured. 

“What, like it was an accident?”

“No. But you’re you. And he knows you. You’d think he’d be more --” Matt couldn’t find the word he was looking for and eventually clamped his mouth shut. 

“I’m not exactly sure what that’s supposed to mean. But it’s -- if he needed to find someone else, then what don’t I --” 

“Have that he’s looking for? Yeah.” Matt dropped his container onto the table. “Yeah, no. Neil. There’s absolutely nothing you should have to do to make him stay. You’re not unsatisfactory or not enough. If Andrew wasn’t happy with you, then fuck him.”

That hurt. “But what if I was happy with him?” 

Matt shut his eyes. “That’ll be the hard part, Neil.” 

Neil looked back at his food. “You think I should end it.”

“The two of you were all or nothing, Neil. We all thought it would pan out. Maybe we were wrong: We were wrong about it starting in the first place. It’s your decision and no one elses, but.” He offered a sad smile. “If I ever did that to Dan, she would curse me to the ninth circle of hell with no regrets, and I’d deserve it, but I also know it’ll never happen. I have no reason to ever find anyone else, and I know I never will.”

“But Andrew’s an asshole.” Neil grimaced. 

Matt’s sad smile was accompanied with an apologetic shrug. “Always was.”

It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault. But Neil just had to look at the rest of his family to know that Andrew did make a lot of decisions, purposefully choosing the worst, whether it was to hurt someone or completely disregarding consequences. That wasn’t okay.

Are you going to be the last person to leave him, when he needs someone he can trust, more than anyone else? 

No, Neil wasn’t.

It wasn’t fair, but it was true.

“Thank you, Matt.” Neil leaned his head forward when Matt offered his hand, and let him cup the side of his head. “But I’m going to see how this pans out. Before deciding. He still hasn’t -- contacted me. I know it’s...not me. Or my fault.”

“You know what you’re doing.” Matt seemed pleased by Neil’s reasonable answer and grabbed his fork to steal a mouthful of Neil’s takeout, despite his own being on the table. He talked around a mouth full of food and Neil almost smiled. “We going to continue Elementary from where we left off? Titanic? K-K-U-K?”

Neil smiled a little more. “Elementary sounds good.”

Andrew’s team was playing tonight. Matt was a good enough friend to know that.

You’re not alone. You’re not alone. You’re not alone. 

He still felt it, though, it’s ever-present weight on his chest, the numb nothingness of his mind. 

Neil looked up at Betsy and grimaced. “Pills?” 

She smiled hesitantly. “They can help ground you. There’s a lot of terrible stigma around medicating for mental illnesses, but it’s to help you.”

“Some of it’s not stigma.” Wide grin, feral gleam to his eyes. 

A month and a half later, still nothing. The last two games had been startling: The loss hadn’t wasn’t followed by it’s usual ferocious disappointment, his determination to be better. The win two weeks later didn’t make his heart race, his chest tight with pride and relief. 

Just. Nothing. 

Then he saw that feeling numb was a symptom of depression. Real depression. A diagnosable illness. 

And he’d called Betsy.

“I know you may think that. And I know why. God, of all people, Neil, I would know, wouldn’t I? He was my patient.”

She’d been very careful around Andrew’s mention. Both of them knew that Neil would never have called Betsy on his own, not without a push from Andrew, or in this case, because of him. 

“Antidepressants help level you.” Betsy explained, leveling her hand. “They bring you up from the ditch onto the level playing ground, giving you the little push so that you’re at the same starting line as everyone else when it comes to happiness. Or achieving it. Does that help you to understand?”

“Andrew’s pills were antidepressants, weren’t they?”

“Euphoria inducing drugs.” Betsy said, quietly. “Not the same. The illusion of happiness is -- a cruel thing to give someone. He wasn’t happy for a long time.”

“You imply he eventually was happy.”

“Dare I say, when he found you?” 

Neil said nothing. Felt nothing. 

“Neil,” She said softly, eyes softened with concern. “What happened?” 

"Andrew’s okay, if that’s what you’re asking.” Neil hadn’t a clue if Andrew was okay: He was beginning to hope that he wasn’t, that he was struggling from refraining to call him a dozen times like Neil wanted to, that he missed Neil’s good morning texts as much as Neil missed his good night texts. 

“I asked what happened.”

“No, Betsy.”

“Okay.” She murmured. “I’ll get in contact with an affiliate. I know we’ve had three Skype sessions already, but maybe you’d prefer to sit with someone? Get to know someone, instead of being forced to trust me, through a screen. Maybe consider antidepressants, Neil. I’m very happy that you trusted me enough to talk with you.”

“So it is depression?” Neil finally, finally looked at her. 

Silvering hair and silver eyes. He’d distrusted her on principal, but he’d had to work very closely with her in stitching up the team whilst captain. A woman worth respecting, and despite being each other’s nightmares -- a well practised liar and a well practised analyser -- they’d figured it out. 

“Yeah, Neil. I really think so.”

“How do you...” Neil clenched his fists. 

“How do I know? It’s easier when my patient suspects. If they relate to other stories, can label symptoms. You’re a walking textbook definition of depression, Neil, and I’m sorry. It’s not always avoidable, it’s deadly common. I’m sorry that I haven’t been there earlier to support you. Maybe I would have seen you -- falling into the ditch, so they say.”

How could you have been there for me: We’re worlds away. “Thanks, Betsy. Send me the address of the psychiatrist.”

“Will do, Neil.” She smiled gently. “Have a good evening.”

“You too.” He said. She hung up for him. 

He didn’t move for another hour but to rest his chin on his hand and stare at the wall behind his laptop. 

He’d only installed Skype to call Andrew.

He quit the application and removed it from his dock. 

Don’t need this anymore. 

“Betsy, come on.” 

Betsy paused. Their past few calls had been most certainly more tense: Betsy could pick up agitation over text alone. Andrew was practically her son. She could read his mood from what time he called: It was currently three in the morning. He had stayed up for hours agonising over himself and his thoughts and then called Betsy out of pure frustration. 

He never called her Betsy. It was Bee. Once: Mom. 

“Andrew.” She said, in an equally frustrated tone. “What?”

“Neil, you talked to Neil. He called you. What did he say?”

Betsy had been on the phone to Andrew when Neil had first texted, asking to talk to her on the phone. She knew that they were momentarily estranged from each other: She’d initially thought it was the stress of long distance, and the agony of waiting months to see each other. Now she was sure it was something more trying than that. Andrew must have worked it out, but hadn’t said anything till now. 

“I can’t say, Andrew.” She said, softly.

“Patient confidentiality.” He said sourly. “Sucks, doesn’t it? But that means he’s your patient. Which means he’s not okay. Why? What happened?”

Betsy frowned. “I thought that you’d perhaps pushed him into it.”

“Pushed him into it?” He snapped. “I--

“Andrew, breathe.”

He took a moment. 

“I haven’t spoken to Neil in six weeks. And two days.”

Oh. Betsy shut her eyes. “Why not?”

“Because I was with someone else. And he found out.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Betsy snapped. “Andrew.” 

Silence. 

“You don’t usually supply such a strong person opinion on my mistakes.” 

“You don’t usually -- no. You haven’t done something so careless for many years, Andrew.”

“What, the cheating or him finding out?”

“You think this is a joke?” Betsy found her own voice hushed. “I watched the string of my mother’s infidelity break my father into a million pieces.”

“Did I finally unlock your pathetic sob story, Bee?”

“Congratulations, Andrew. Do you feel validated now?” 

He was finally quiet.

“I’m not your therapist anymore, Andrew.” Betsy was worried she’d gone too far. She knew that the two of them had a unique relationship simply because she’d stuck out for him when almost no one else had. She and Neil shared an understanding. “I’m not your mother, but I’m more than a mentor. I’m family: You said so yourself. So allow me to ask: Why would you step out of your way to do something when there was absolutely no reason to do it?” 

“How do you know there wasn’t a reason?” He said, voice rough. 

“Because he is everything to you.”

Andrew swallowed audibly. 

“And you know that he’s different, Andrew. His sexuality isn’t as black-and-white as yours. It’s singular and particular and it’s intense because the chances of him finding someone else to connect so deeply with, deep enough to spark  similar infatuation with, is slim. And you know that. So why?”

“I don’t know.” He said. And then again: “I don’t know. He’s -- there’s no reason. It just happened. Consciously, yeah. Consensual, of course. But did I need it? No. I barely wanted it. It was like giving into the tiniest of itches on a scab wound. Stupid and just makes things -- bleed. Again. I didn’t need it, and I didn’t need to do it, not like I need him. Neil.”

“Andrew.” Betsy whispered. 

“I don’t know what to do.” He concluded. “It’s been six weeks since I panicked and shut off my phone for three days. I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t get that. He doesn’t get being able to find someone else, because he can’t. I don’t know what to do.” He paused. “I don’t know if there’s anything I can do.”

“Do you think he’ll forgive you?” 

“Ng--” He cut himself off, coughing. His voice was scratchy and broken. “No.”

They were quiet for a long time. 

“Maybe some time down south me would be a good idea.” Betsy said, desperate to fill his heart broken silence. 

Heart broken teenage boy. 

He was 28. Not a teenager anymore. 

“Maybe.”

“Thanks for opening up to me, Andrew.” It felt a little cruel to say it this time, but she’d said it since the first time he’d said something a little more meaningful. 

“You’re welcome.” He’d replied every time, pausing at the doorway. There was slight hesitation before the line went dead. 

Neil was minding his own business, having collapsed on the couch at three in the morning, after the afters party, which was after the after-game-dinner, which was after the actual game. He was absolutely dead on his feet. 

Dead enough to not register the knock on his door. His angsty younger self would have lamented about how his mother would have beaten him black and blue for being so exhausted to miss someone knocking on the damn door. 

They knocked again, louder, and Neil’s eyes popped open. He sat up, still in his slacks and button down, collar popped. He dragged the blanket with him, clutching the corners together in one fist as he held a blunt knife in the other. He still managed to turn the door handle and pull it open. 

“No, no.” He shook his head, letting the door fall closed. 

“Neil!” Andrew’s palm slammed against it, shoving it wide open and falling inside with the force of it. Neil stumbled out of the way and the door slammed shut behind him with a distinct air of finality. 

Nothing, for the first minute. Hour. Eternity. 

But Neil was feeling more than he’d felt in two, long months, even on his second brand of antidepressants. His heart was racing. There was a rope pulled tight around his neck. He could barely breathe: He could barely contain himself. Heat shimmered over his skin at the sight of him, hair mussed by the wind, the tip of his nose reddened by the cold, swath in the coat Neil had bought him only a few months ago, in preparation for winter. His hair was longer. His shave was sloppier. His eyes had lost whatever spark they’d had before. 

Neil hated he was making these comparisons and feeling concern creep up his throat. 

“Get out.”

“Think I was dead?”

“Get out.” Neil’s voice wobbled. 

Something in Andrew cracked and his eyes dropped to gaze at the floor with a jerky nod of his head, turning towards the door. 

Neil didn’t touch him but called out “How?” before he could open the door. Andrew’s hand froze. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” He didn’t whisper but his voice was soft.

“Who is he?” 

Andrew turned around, looking at pained as Neil had ever seen him. “He was nothing, was. He was nothing and nobody at all, Neil -- was.”

“And so am I.” Neil wrapped his arms around his stomach: He’d dropped the blanket and the blunt knife. 

“No, nev--”

“Get out.”

“Neil, I--”

“Leave!”

“Neil, please.” 

Two men, equally devoid of hope, staring at each other like they were strangers. 

Neil hated that word too. Please.

“Goodbye, Andrew.” 

eyyyyy

#angst #angstangstangst #neil josten #andrew minyard #andreil #im sorry #matt boyd #betsy dobson #break up #andrew cheats #neil dont understand #eyyyy its angst #jem writes

[tylersarchiverp]

“Passage for one, as close to Ostos as you can get me.” Hiero announced, handing over a package of coin that most certainly was not hers. She waited, arms braces on a nearby wall, tilting her head as she spotted a familiar face. Was Morrie sent on an errand? She doubted it was after her, but the closer the girl got, the higher Hiero’s guard went up. Instead of making a move, however, she quirked an eyebrow in question.

Hiero appearing in her room late at night had been odd, but her declaration that Morrie would continue to learn to be a faceless man without her had been a complete surprise. Hiero loved the job that she did, and reveled in being the best No One to exist. She wouldn't leave the position without a reason.

Again, Morrie was brought back to the news she had delivered of her sister dying. The broken shell that Hiero had turned into after. There was still more to be known and Morrie couldn't let things continue without knowing the tie to Hiero and the information.

Morrie waited for a few hours, making her decisions. She wasn't going to stay if Hiero wasn't here. No one (all puns intended) would ever be as good as her. If Morrie wanted to learn from the best, she had to be with the best. She knew the location of her sword. Everything she needed to book passage back to Ostos would be easy enough to acquire.

She believed Hiero to be gone from the House of Night and Day before she felt confident in leaving her own room and silently making her way down to the atrium, her robes returned to the laundry and a bag on her hip.

It would only be a few faces for her to use, and she had every intent on returning them when her tasks were completed. Perhaps, once she finished her work in Ostos, she would return to Bahorin to be what Hiero had been.

Selecting the face of a beautiful young woman, Morrie heard the step of a light but all too heavy burden. "A girl isn't smart. Where is she going with so many faces that do not belong to her?"

Morrie placed the face in her bag with care, turning around to face the scowling girl. "Home."

"A girl has no home, or has she forgotten?" She smirked, stepping down from the last stair.

"I never forgot who I was." Morrie matched the girl's movements until they were standing in front of one another. "I am Morreah of House Jagger of Snowfall." She blinked, her expression distant as she stepped around her. "And I'm going home."

"You were never good enough to be one of us." The scowling girl followed with her eyes, not bothering to turn around.

"You're right." Morrie smirked to herself, climbing the stairs and slamming the door behind her. "I've always been better."

Pickpocketing was an easy skill that she had a knack for, even before she made her way to Bahorin, from the streets of Monarch's Berth. Getting enough to make passage to Ostos wasn't easy, and Morrie was concerned that she might not have been able to find someone, or find Hiero in time to make it with her, but spotting the blonde had been easy. Without the shapeless robes, and her hair down and long, she was quite the sight to behold.

"Make that two." Morrie said as she dropped her own satchel of coin, her hand on the hilt of her narrow sword, staring up at Hiero with a matching expression.

"You didn't honestly think you would return to my home without me, did you?" She asked, a small smile on her lips. "I came to train under you, not anyone lesser. We'll continue on the road to where ever it is we go."

Morrie saw the man staring at the two of them, forcing her to tilt her head down. Boy, did he have a staring problem or what?

There was a part of Artem that prayed that her death had been the last of her existence. Coming back into the world with the aftermath of her decimation had been worse than the cold, empty embrace of death. All the malice and hatred she harbored for Lady Connelly in the wake of Esper's actions only increased when Artem descended the stairs to see the corpse of Esper on top of the old Lord Commander.

Artem knew she should've held the freefolk up to their actions, but in her death, she was unable to give them direction, let alone introduce them to the boy that at one time was the most important person in the world to her.

The girl sat alone in the room with Esper's body laid out where hers once was, holding his hand in her own as tears streamed down her cheeks. They hadn't stopped in days, and she hadn't been able to leave his side. Her guilt was gnawing away at her soul, if she even still had one.

Life was cruel, most of all to the innocent children playing the games of selfish adults. Esper was too young to know he was being manipulated. Elisavet poisoned his mind with kindness and promises of a home. 

If only she had been able to keep him safe. She would be the one on the table, with people around to protect him.

What ifs and scenarios were drowning her alive.

Artem took a deep breath. She still had a goal. Snowfall needed to be returned to the true born Jagger heir, whoever she found to be worth the title of Warden of the North. Before she did that, there was a task that needed to be handled.

No, his death wasn't at the hands of the Freefolk that sought revenge for a woman who had better intentions than their previous king. The blood of an innocent boy was on Elisavet's ledger and Artem Snow had a responsibility to deal out Esper's justice herself.

"I'll s-s-see you again, Esper." Artem said quietly, kissing the back of his hand and putting it on the table, wiping her red and raw eyes. "She's going to p-p-pay for y-your life with h-hers."

Artem moved from the chair she had been in for far too long, opening the door to the room to the best warriors the freefolk had.

"We ne-need to b-burn his body. T-The old m-m-man can r-r-rot." She said, looking at the group. "T-Three days, t-then we run s-s-south to the V-Valley."

House Connelly had overthrown the capitol of the Valley, and last she had seen of the letters sent to the Lord Commander, Elisavet was hold up in the fortress, waiting for Artem to go to Snowfall. The only thing the Lord Commander had done right was tell her of Artem's original plan. Too bad Artem had a good teacher in her father and a former companion. She could see ahead.

The Connelly's would think she was marching on Snowfall. Their forces would be minimal with Elisavet. If she could avoid any loss of life on their own side, she would take it. As far as she was concerned, this was a matter between the two of them. And only one of them could fight.

Elisavet was raised to never underestimated the intelligence of her opponents. Ostos didn't raise incompetent rulers, as none of them would be the heads of their houses without smart matches and ruthless battle strategy. Her parents taught her everything she knew, and her husband wasn't afraid to do what needed to be done to complete their goal.

However, when the raven from the Stockade delivered news of Artem Snow returning to Ostos with a wildling army, Elisavet was scared. Esper either hadn't been able to get the job done, or Artem had taken him out. Another plan to dispose of Artem Snow had been thwarted.

Regardless, she sent the Connelly forces to back up her husband in Snowfall, and kept a modest amount of soldiers to protect her. The Irnin was the safest castle in Ostos, existing atop a mountain with only one path up. 

The siege of The Irnin was faster than she could've imagined. Her best were already on the front lines, and the Irnin armies were still unaccepting of her rule, and only a few fought on her behalf. They were no match for the bloodthirsty creatures Artem brought with her.

Elisavet considered her options as she waited things out. There was a chance that they wouldn't make it to the throne room. The best of who she kept was outside her door, and they had been in many battles. They were the survivors of Booker's father's rebellion attempt. 

She could drink the poison in the charm on her bracelet. Quick and painless, no doubt better than the option Artem would have for her.

If Elisavet was going to place her best chances, she was going to talk it out. Artem could be reasoned with. Ally with the enemy until she could take her out.

As she suspected, there was a battle outside the Irnin. Two small armies, neither bigger than fifty men to fight. Artem broke off with two of her own, fighting their way up to the castle and into the throne room. Her shoulders ached, her legs were screaming, but she was too close to let any minor soreness get to her. Artem was running on adrenaline and vengeance in a way she had never before.

Artem allowed the warriors ahead of her to deal with the men at the door, only stepping in when one was getting away, and making quick work of it.

The Jagger bastard pushed open the doors of the throne room, raising an eyebrow as she caught sight of the woman sitting on the throne above the infamous Skydoor. Elisavet was as beautiful as the best of the McKormic women, fitting every bit the moniker of the Young Rose. At the wedding of Lord Soren and Lady Rae, Artem hadn't had the chance to speak with her, and now Artem was glad to have seemed so rude.

"I was wondering when you were going to make it up here." The blonde woman spoke, rising from the throne and coming the stairs carefully. "It seemed the soldiers I had weren't worth what I paid them."

"S-Seems to be a c-c-common problem of y-yours. Paying f-for subpar w-work of s-something you could d-do yourself." Artem commented, watching her come closer.

"You're speaking of the woman I hired to bring you to me?" Elisavet questioned, not bothering to seem surprised. "I wasn't lying. I wanted to keep you in the Leaden Islands for safe keeping until the day you could take Snowfall."

Her words seared inside of Artem's mind. The same lies she convinced Esper with! "Is t-that why you u-used Esper t-to kill me?" Artem adjusted her grip on her bloodied sword, taking a step back from Elisavet as she came too close for Artem's liking.

"I loved that boy like he was my own!" The Lady of the Leaden Islands lashed out, her eyes welling up with tears. "Once my Annabeth jumped from the window to her death, Esper filled that hole in my heart wit--"

"You don't get to talk about him like you cared about him!" Artem shouted, almost amazed at her strength behind the words. Elisavet seemed equally as taken. "E-Esper was my f-family. My o-only family left and y-y-you t-turned him i-into one of y-you." She felt her sinuses sting with the admittance.

"There is no difference between us," Elisavet walked forward, her expression softened by the tear tracks down her face. "I want to do the same for you, Artem. You act as if I haven't lost my sisters in this game. I want what you want: my family back or revenge on those who took them from me." The blonde reached out to Artem to touch her, standing in front of the lever to the Skydoor.

Artem's guard came down for a second. Elisavet had lost her twin sister to the Queen, and Runa to the Hawthornes. A daughter to suicide... She sympathized with Elisavet. Still, she remained a strong and capable lady, proven by her ability to take the Irnin for herself. She had Snowfall in her control through her husband. Perhaps teaming up with Elisavet was the answer.

The girl went to speak, but heard the cogs turning around her and the wood of the Skydoor scrape against the stone.

As kind as Elisavet's face had been seconds before turned to a cold smirk and gripped Artem's armor, pushing her back toward the edge.

"You b-bitch!" Artem spat out, pushing her leg out behind her to get leverage and grabbed Elisavet by the bodice of her dress, putting all her weight into changing the position of the two women until Elisavet was knelt before her, eyes wide in terror. If only she saw anything in them but wicked intentions.

"I, Artem S-Snow, Queen of t-the Freefolk, ch-charge you with the kidnap and m-murder of Esper Gale, and the L-Lord and Lady of the V-Valley. Treason to the N-Northern Crown." Artem stared her down, dropping her sword behind her, out of reach of the crafty woman, and took out her dagger. The same that pierced her heart would now taste blood again. "I sentence y-you to de-death b-by S-Skydoor."

"I'll give you Snowfall!" Elisavet screamed, almost making Artem pause. She could take Snowfall back herself.

"Not g-going to s-save you now." Artem shook her head, stabbing the blade into Elisavet's chest, through the hands that she raised to protect herself, listening to her scream in pain. One she knew all too well.

Artem pushed Elisavet further back, releasing the blonde woman as she was moved over the ledge, watching her fall through the opening and down to the rocky spikes below.

#v; sovereign gambit #nowwatchmeship

[foursprouthappiness-blog]

19 Great Truths My Grandmother Told Me on Her 90th Birthday

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19 Great Truths My Grandmother Told Me on Her 90th Birthday

“I have seen and touched and danced and sang and climbed and loved and meditated on a lifetime spent living honestly.  Should it all end tonight, I can positively say there would be no regrets.  I feel fortunate to have walked 90 years in my shoes.  I am truly lucky.  I really have lived 1,000 times over.”

Those are the opening lines of the final entry in my grandmother Zelda’s journal—a 270-page leather-bound journal she wrote small entries in almost every morning during the final decade of her life.  In it, she reflected on lessons she had learned, lessons she was still learning, and the experiences that made these understandings possible.

When my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer on her 90th birthday, I sat with her in a hospital room for the entire day, in silence, in laughter, in tears, and in awe.  Although her body was weak, her mind was intensely strong.  The terminal diagnosis inspired her to think about her life, everything she had journaled about over the years, and reflect aloud.  So, I gave her the stage—my undivided attention—from sunrise until sunset.

As I sat beside her hospital bed, she thumbed through her journal one page at a time, reading dozens of specific entries she wanted me to hear.  She spoke softly and passionately about her life, her loves, her losses, her pain, her dreams, her achievements, her happiness, and all the lessons that embodied these points of reference.  It was without a doubt one of the most enlightening and unforgettable days of my life.

My grandmother passed away exactly two weeks later, peacefully in her sleep.  The day after her passing I found out she formally left her journal for me in her will.  Since then, I have read it from cover to cover countless times.

Although I have shared some of her insights and quotes with blog subscribers and course students in the past, today would have been my grandmother’s 100th birthday, so I’d like to honor her.  To do so, I’m going to share excerpts from the journal entries she shared with me in that hospital room ten years ago.  I’ve done my best to sort, clean up, copyedit and reorganize her wisdom into 19 inspiring bullet points.  I hope you find value in them, too:

There are thousands of people who live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing they can customize everything. – Don’t settle for the default settings in life.  Find your loves, your talents, your passions, and embrace them.  Don’t hide behind other people’s decisions.  Don’t let others tell you what you want.  Design YOUR journey every step of the way!  The life you create from doing something that moves you is far better than the life you get from sitting around wishing you were doing it.

The right journey is the ultimate destination. – The most prolific and beneficial experience in life is not in actually achieving something you want, but in seeking it.  It’s the journey towards an endless horizon that matters—goals and dreams that move forward with you as you chase them.  It’s all about meaningful pursuits—the “moving”—and what you learn along the way.  Truly, the most important reason for moving from one place to another is to see what’s in between.  In between is where passions are realized, love is found, strength is gained, and priceless life-long memories are made.

The willingness to do hard things opens great windows of opportunity. – One of the most important abilities you can develop in life is the willingness to accept and grow through times of difficulty and discomfort.  Because the best things are often hard to come by, at least initially.  And if you shy away from difficulty and discomfort, you’ll miss out on them entirely.  Mastering a new skill is hard.  Building a business is hard.  Writing a book is hard.  A marriage is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Staying healthy is hard.  But all are amazing and worth every bit of effort you can muster.  Realize this now.  If you get good at doing hard things, you can do almost anything you put your mind to.

Small, incremental changes always change everything in the long run. – The concept of taking it one step at a time might seem absurdly obvious, but at some point we all get caught up in the moment and find ourselves yearning for instant gratification.  We want what we want, and we want it now!  And this yearning often tricks us into biting off more than we can chew.  So, remind yourself: you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times.  Tiny, repeated efforts will get you there, gradually.  (Angel and I build tiny, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of the Getting Back to Happy course.)

No one wins a game of chess, or the game of life, by only moving forward. – Sometimes you have to move backward to put yourself in a position to win.  Because sometimes, when it feels like you’re running into one dead end after another, it’s actually a sign that you’re not on the right path.  Maybe you were meant to hang a left back when you took a right, and that’s perfectly fine.  Life gradually teaches us that U-turns are allowed.  So turn around when you must!  There’s a big difference between giving up and starting over in the right direction.

The biggest disappointments in life are often the result of misplaced expectations. – When we are young our expectations are few, but as we age our expectations tend to balloon with each passing year.  The key is to understand that tempering unrealistic expectations of how something “should be” can greatly reduce unnecessary stress and frustration.  With a positive attitude and an open mind, we often find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than we thought it was going to be; it’s just that “the easy” and “the hard” aren’t always the way we had anticipated, and don’t always occur when we expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing—it makes life interesting, if we are willing to see it that way.

Our character is often most evident at our highs and lows. – Be humble at the mountaintops, be strong in the valleys, and be faithful in between.  And on particularly hard days when you feel that you can’t endure, remind yourself that your track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far.

Life changes from moment to moment, and so can you. – When hard times hit there’s a tendency to extrapolate and assume the future holds more of the same.  For some strange reason this doesn’t happen as much when things are going well.  A laugh, a smile, and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it.  We take the good times at face value in the moment for all they’re worth and then we let them go.  But when we’re depressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today.  This is a cyclical, self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you don’t allow yourself to move past what happened, what was said, what was felt, you will look at your future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment.  You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that is worn out and false.

You can fight and win the battles of today, only. – No matter what’s happening, you can resourcefully fight the battles of just one day.  It’s only when you add the battles of those two mind-bending eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that life gets overwhelmingly difficult and complicated.

Not being “OK” all the time is normal. – Sometimes not being OK is all we can register inside our tired brains and aching hearts.  This emotion is human, and accepting it can feel like a small weight lifted.  Truth be told, it’s not OK when someone you care about is no longer living and breathing and giving their amazing gifts to the world.  It’s not OK when everything falls apart and you’re buried deep in the wreckage of a life you had planned for.  It’s not OK when the bank account is nearly at zero, with no clear sign of a promising income opportunity.  It’s not OK when someone you trusted betrays you and breaks your heart.  It’s not OK when you’re emotionally drained to the point that you can’t get yourself out of bed in the morning.  It’s not OK when you’re engulfed in failure or shame or a grief like you’ve never known before.  Whatever your tough times consist of, sometimes it’s just NOT OK right now.  And that realization is more than OK.

Sensitivity can be a super power. – Although sensitivity is often perceived as a weakness in our culture, to feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness; it is the characteristic of a truly alive and compassionate human being.  It is not the sensitive person who is broken, it is society’s understanding that has become dysfunctional and emotionally incapacitated.  There is zero shame in expressing your authentic feelings.  Those who are at times described as being “too emotional” or “complicated” are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more thoughtful, caring and humane world.  Never be ashamed to let your feelings, smiles and tears shine a light in this world.

Opening up to someone who cares can heal a broken heart. – Deep heartbreak is kind of like being lost in the woods—every direction leads to nowhere at first.  When you are standing in a forest of darkness, you can’t see any light that could ever lead you home.  But if you wait for the sun to rise again, and listen when someone assures you that they themselves have stood in that same dark place, and have since moved forward with their life, oftentimes this will bring the hope that’s needed.

Solitude is important, too. – Speaking to someone can help, but in moderation.  Sometimes the moments you feel lonely are the moments you may most need to be by yourself.  This is one of life’s cruelest ironies.  We need solitude, because when we’re alone we’re detached from obligations, we don’t need to put on a show, and we can hear our own thoughts and feel what our intuition is telling us.  And the truth is, throughout your life there will be times when the world gets real quiet and the only thing left is the beat of your own heart.  So you’d better learn the sound of it, otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s telling you.

Most of the time you don’t need more to be happier—you need less. – When things aren’t adding up in your life, begin subtracting.  Life gets a lot simpler and more enjoyable when you clear the emotional and physical clutter that makes it unnecessarily complicated.  (Angel and I guide our readers though this process of simplifying and getting back to happy in our brand new book.)

Beginning each day with love, grace and gratitude always feels better than the alternative. – When you arise in the morning think of what an incredible privilege it is to be alive—to be, to see, to hear, to think, to love, to have something to look forward to.  Happiness is a big part of these little parts of your life—and joy is simply the feeling of appreciating it all.  Realize that it’s not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.  Make a ritual of noticing the goodness that’s already yours first thing in the morning, and you will see more goodness everywhere you look throughout the day.

Who we choose to be around matters immensely. – Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.  Relationships should help you, not hurt you.  Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be.  Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you—people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.  Ultimately, the people in your life make all the difference in the person you are capable of being.  Life is just too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  When you free yourself from these people, you free yourself to be YOU.  And being YOU is the only way to truly live.

Relationship boundaries are life-savers. – When someone treats you like you’re just one of many options, again and again, help them narrow their choices by removing yourself from the equation.  Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do.  Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you.  It’s not pride—it’s self-respect.  Don’t give part-time people a full-time position in your life.  Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than what you’ve earned.

It’s during the toughest times of your life that you’ll get to see the true colors of the people who say they care about you. – Notice who sticks around and who doesn’t, and be grateful to those who leave you, for they have given you the room to grow in the space they abandoned, and the awareness to appreciate the people who loved you when you didn’t feel lovable.

New opportunities are always out there waiting for you. – Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, something they need, or something they thought was meant to be.  But it is these very losses that make us stronger and eventually move us toward future opportunities.  Embrace these opportunities.  Enter new relationships and new situations, knowing that you are venturing into unfamiliar territory.  Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to experience something or meet someone that just might change your life forever.

Afterthoughts & Promises

As I’m wrapping up this short tribute to my grandmother, I’m reminded of a poem by Christian D. Larson that she used to have hanging on her refrigerator when I was a kid.  As soon as I was old enough to understand the poem, my grandmother made a photocopy of it for me, and, nearly 30 years later, I still have that same photocopy laminated and hanging on my office bulletin board.  These are words I do my best to live by:

“Promise Yourself…

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words but great deeds. To live in faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.”

(Note: Angel and I discuss strategies for living true to these words in the Happiness and Self-Love chapters of our brand new book.)

Your turn…

If you’re feeling up to it, Angel and I would love to hear from YOU.

Which point mentioned above resonates with you the most today, and why?

Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

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#Happiness