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piko-power · 3 months

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Without One Another

This is a follow up drabble to What Big Brothers Fear The Most, which you can read here if you need context. It's optional but it is required pfffft.

TW: Mentions of death, grief, self hatred, implied/mentions self harm thoughts, swearing

Tails knocked on the door three times.

Just three, small thuds with his knuckles against his brother's door.

He hate to bother him, but after what happened a couple of minutes ago, he couldn't help but check up on Sonic.

He needed to make sure he's okay.

"Sonic?" Tails called. "Can I come in?"

After a moment of silence, Tails reconsidered knocking again. But kept moving his glove free hand away from the door, really hating to bother him.

He never bothered Sonic. He knew damn well. But it's two in the morning.

He should be asleep, not knocking at his door and especially not tinkering at his workbench. At least he didn't get scolded for that.

Again.

But it was all just so sudden for Sonic the Hedgehog to say all those things, which, to be fair, was something he needed to hear since forever, out of no where.

He did mention that he had a bad dream, and that he was okay now, but that's about it.

Tails felt like there is more to it than "just a bad dream" and "I'm fine now."

He did had a feeling on what that bad dream was about now.

He knocked again. Just like last time.

"Sonic?" He called, a little bit louder this time. Loud enough for him to hear from the other side, in case the real reason why Sonic didn't respond was because he couldn't hear him the first time.

"Do you mind if I come in and talk to you?" He asked, his ears pinning slowly.

He really didn't wanna bother him.

He's not bothering him. He is not bothering him.

No response again.

...He is, isn't he?

The fox sighed a heavy sigh. A tired one, even. He shouldn't be doing this at this hour. His sleep is much better than-

...Hell no. His sleep is not at all better than his brother's well being.

"I'm coming in." Tails says, before turning the knob and opening the door.

He wasn't ready to go in when he said that, but went in anyways, because he cares.

When the door is fully open, he could see the blue hedgehog himself, sitting on the edge of his bed with an exhausted look on his face, bags under his eyes and some sleep fluttering off his eyelashes.

He flinched slightly, not expecting a bright light coming through the doorway, since he was adjusted to the dark already. "Too bright." He grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"Oops. Sorry." Tails says, before turning off the hallway lights he forgot to turn off before Sonic went to his room earlier.

"You, uh... You good, buddy?" He asked, a small weak grin rising on his muzzle, relived to see his brother looking somewhat calm, even though he's not asleep.

Though considering what happened, he doesn't blame him for not being asleep right now.

"Just wanted to check up on ya." He continued. "Got kinda worried back there." He scratched the back of his head, not sure on how to keep the conversation going.

He just wanted to talk to Sonic. To let him know that he's here.

"I'm fine." He says, turning his head to face his little brother, a clearly fake smile on his face, that did not match the tiredness in his emerald eyes.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"...Alright then."

The hedgehog let out a loud, long yawn. It went on long enough for even Tails to yawn along with him. After that, Sonic laughed for a bit.

"It's spreading!" He chuckled, despite the tired sounding tone.

Tails giggled quietly. "Oh, noooooo." He "panicked," raising his hands in "fear." He snorted another laughter.

At least they're both laughing together.

"Ah..." Sonic sighed. It felt good to laugh again. "But, yeah, I am fine, little buddy," He reassured. "Just a little tired, is all," He rubbed his right eye.

"And nothing else is wrong?"

"...Nope."

... ...

He exhaled through his stuffed up nose.

"...Just can't sleep, I guess."

Aha. There it is.

Tails knew that Sonic was hiding something from him. He is terrible at hiding things. Very terrible.

Tails walked in his room finally and approached his bed. He stood by him, not sure if he should sit next to him.

"Something on your mind?" Tails casually asked.

"Yeah."

"Mind... telling me what's wrong, then?" Tails asked softly.

"..."

He could read the discomfort from the way his eyes lowered. He knew he didn't wanna talk about it, but sometimes it's better to talk about it than bottle it up.

Sonic kept forgetting about that.

But what ever happened in Sonic's dream messed him up really bad. He's aware that is was a dream, but it was still bothering him.

Must've been terrifying if he's not asleep at the moment.

"You don't have to talk about it," Tails says. "I just want you to know that I'm here in case you do want to talk about it."

The corner of Sonic's lips quivered.

He does.

He looked up at the little kit, his smile gave up and his eyes look sad and restless. Tails frowned slightly, not enjoying seeing his buddy like this.

"It's about my nightmare," he began. "and what happened in it..."

"Okay..." Tails says, sitting down next to him, listening.

"I was fighting Metal and you were in the air fighting some Badniks," He continued. "when suddenly I was caught in an explosion. Infinite was there and... he cut my..."

He placed his hand where his throat is, not wanting to complete his sentence as for a second he remembered how painful that attack was.

Which is absurd, because he's pretty sure he weren't supposed to feel pain in dreams. But sometimes, he does, and it's pretty screwed up.

"I go down and you arrived at a pretty bad time." Sonic says. "I was bleeding out, and you... look so scared." His hands lightly grabbed on hold of the sheets, refusing to look back at the moment. Yet, he did.

Tails was listening to every word he has to say, and he looked more uncomfortable and concerned the more Sonic continued with the story.

"You were crying. You were screaming for me. And... I died right there in your arms. Leaving you all alone..."

He looked away to his right, not wanting to look at his little brother after saying that. He knew that Tails was a little frightened by those words.

And he was.

"I remember you saying something like, 'Don't leave me,' or 'I don't want to be alone.'" His ears pinned down to his head. "But I think the worst thing you said was... 'I can't live without you.'"

Tails' eyes rose.

Sonic sits up and let out a heavy, shaky sigh. He never wanted to tell him what his own brother said to him in his dream. It just doesn't make any sense. It was just a nightmare, so why would it be so stressful?

It didn't happen. It never will.

But...

When he looked back at Tails, there was worry.

Nothing but worry.

Sonic wanted to punch himself in the face so bad for doing this to his little baby brother.

"I was the only family you had, and... you lost it." He muttered out, almost sounding emotionless, yet there was a hint of grief. "You literally cannot live without me. Yet, I know you can take care of yourself, but... I've done so much for you... I never really thought about these kinds of things, but I-..."

He stopped himself, huffing out again and placing his hands on his face, his elbows supporting on his knees. "It's just pissing me off that this nightmare is scaring me this badly." His voice muffled through his hands.

"None of that happened!" He turned back at him, his voice raised. "I didn't die and you weren't saying all those... awful things. I know you would never say that, even if I did-"

"Don't say it."

A small crack in the young one's voice is all it takes to just... break his heart into two.

"You're right about me being independent, but... You have done so much for me, and you are the first person in my life who liked me, and didn't ditch me or hurt me because of my two tails." He says. "And I know I also have Amy, Knuckles, Blaze, everybody... but you... are so important to me, and you always will be, no matter how old I get."

"I know." He often forget that he'll always be important to Tails. Not just for when he's a kid. Not just for right now.

"I know almost every day, we face crazy challenges and go on wild adventures, but we also had some close calls. Like, very close calls. Times where we nearly lost you." Tails continued. "And that one time..." He paused. "...We did lose you."

Sonic exhaled again.

"I thought I could handle it. For the first couple of months. I really did. But..." He sniffled. "Going so long without the one person who will always be there for me, without the one person who changed, saved, my life, without the one person who made me happy to be me... to be alive..."

Sonic shuts his eyes tight.

"Everyone at the Resistance was there, but... you weren't. I thought, we thought, you were dead, Sonic..." He choked quietly. "We believed that for months. I believed that for months. About the third month in, I just... couldn't stand being in a picture that you weren't in."

Sonic hates himself so much right now.

"It's just not the same without my hero." He spoke up. "One night, I just ran away from the Resistance. I was all by myself. Just like my first few years. I wailed, I screamed, I wished that everything that happened around that time was all a horrible, horrible nightmare that I was having, and I would wake up, to you, comforting me, letting me know that everything is okay and that you wouldn't leave me."

You ruined everything, Sonic. The hedgehog scolded himself.

"But..." He continued. "Reflecting on myself after that night, I stood back up and fought on my own, not wanting to have another episode like that... Well, at least I tried to fight back. I can fight back, but... How could I if a part of myself was ripped out of me?"

Dark Gaia...

"I can't say that I can't live without you, but... the world would be a much cruel place without you." Tails says, tears stinging his ocean blue eyes. "If I never have met you, my life would be a living hell. Really. I would never be happy to be me if I never met someone like you. Or just, you at all. I am grateful to have met you, Sonic."

Tails exhaled, not wanting to cry. He couldn't help but shed a few tears anyways. He needed to at this point.

"I'd say that... I would react the same way if you did d- ...you know." He hated saying that word. It felt like if he did say that word, it would happen for real. Which, he knew it's not true, but still...

Sonic placed a hand on his cheek, sighing again. He felt so disappointed in himself, as a brother. If he couldn't beaten Infinite, knowing what he was capable of, then Tails wouldn't have gone through all that mess.

Good Lord, he was only a child. What is up with the universe trying to give this kid hell? He has done nothing wrong!

Why is he failing so hard?

A gross sniffle was heard from Sonic as he covered his face entirely, ready to cry again. It startled Tails.

"Sonic?" He says, reaching his hand out. "A-Are you okay-?"

"No, Tails." He barked. "I'm not okay. I suck! I suck at being there for you when you needed me the most! I knew damn well that I mean a lot to you, and if I could've just kick Infinite's- ...Grrrr!" He nearly failed to hold in his tears, but especially his resent towards himself.

He was important to everybody. But especially Tails.

And he failed to do the most important thing. Look after his baby brother.

"I knew the Eggman War was bad for you, but I didn't know it was this bad... You just didn't tell me these things and- ... ..."

A thought popped in his head. A thought that should never come up to him.

No. He wouldn't. He's too young. He fucking wouldn't.

"Sonic?"

The young voice made him snap back to reality for a brief moment. He turned his head to face him. Sonic was horrified of what he is about to ask him.

"I need you to be honest with me, Miles." He warned, never sounding so serious in his life.

"O-Okay...?"

"Tails... At any point during the Eggman War, have you ever attempted to hurt yourself...?"

" ... ...WHAT?!!"

The question gave Tails a major shock, and even a small jolt down his spine. "ARE YOU INSANE?! Why the heck would y- WHY THE- HOW COULD YOU ASK ME THAT?!" He shrieked, now off the bed and back on his feet, yelling at him.

"Those months were stressful for me, but I didn't try to- What the FUCK, Sonic!!" He sobbed.

Okay, out of ALL the swear words, he should NEVER, EVER use that word, but Sonic was so speechless and scared that he couldn't even give him that warning tone in his voice whenever he swears.

"I-I'm sorry! I was just- I was worried, and-"

"OF COURSE I didn't attempt that! God, just because I can't live without you, doesn't mean I LITERALLY can't! Wh-Why... Oh, my Gaia..." Tails covered his mouth. "I... This is my fault. I should've told you about what I was going through in the first place, but I made you assume... Oh, my Gaia, I'm so sorry, Sonic." He softly cried, crushed from the fact that Sonic was this worried about him right now.

The hedgehog loves him too much.

He hated the idea that Sonic was worried about his own brother doing... that to himself. Granted, that one night was the most stressful of them all, that he nearly thought of it, but he didn't. He refuse to think that way. That's why he kept fighting.

Cause he knew fully well that's not what Sonic wanted, alive or not.

And he was right. Sonic wouldn't want that.

If he wouldn't want that, then neither would Tails.

"No. Don't apologize. Please." Sonic stood up as well, his voice breaking. "It's not your fault-"

"Well, it's not your fault either, Sonic!" Tails croaked. "Neither of us saw it coming! Especially me!"

"I just wished you would've told me about how you were feeling- I mean, you never really told me until we were on the Starfall Islands, but-"

"I thought it wouldn't matter because everything is okay-"

"YOU THINK I'M OKAY WITH YOU HIDING ALL THIS FROM ME?" He roared, tears beginning to stream. "YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, GOD DAMMIT! YOU MEAN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

Tails never felt terrified of his big brother's voice.

"I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!"

... ...

Tails hiccuped. Sonic panted. No words can be exchanged. Only looks.

Sad, hurt, protective looks.

The hedgehog huffed. Feeling worse than he already was. But he didn't care. All he ever cared about was his little two-tailed brother.

"You've done a lot for me, Tails." He spoke. His voice was dying out but he couldn't care less. "All my life I thought being a hero is just doing everything yourself and taking care of yourself, but I was wrong. I never realized how wrong I was until I met you."

The fox sniffled, listening to every, little word from his hero.

"Without you, I probably would never have found the Chaos Emeralds, or stop the Death Egg, or save Angel Island, or stop Perfect Chaos, any of that stuff! My life would never be the same if I never met you. In fact, I'm not even sure if I would make it out alive without you."

His voice was trembling, but for the first time in a long time, he didn't care that he was crying in front of someone.

"You made a huge impact on my life, Tails. I owe you everything. Really..." He barely showed off such a sweet smile, but he's so tired and drained from yelling and just, staying up so late, he couldn't find the energy to smile at all right now.

"I am grateful to have you as my brother. And I know I don't say this a lot, but I think about it every time I see my friends, including you... I love you. I love you til the stars twinkle their last shine" A small sob escaped when he spoke the last couple of words.

He meant every word.

"And you wanna know something? Even if, I did die, I'm not really gone, okay? I will remain with you and everyone else forever, whether I'm in person or in spirit. I will always be in your heart and I will always love you, Miles "Tails" Prower."

He held both of Tails' hands as he began to cry. The young fox cried along with him, hearing the last sentence on loop in his head.

He really meant every, single word.

The two brothers embraced in a big hug. The biggest hug they could ever give for each other. Sonic held onto Tails for dear life as he finally sobbed loud enough for even the critters from outside to hear.

Tails hiccuped and cried continuously, not wanting to let go of the one person who changed his life for the better.

For once, they both wish this hug would last forever.

They don't care if they stayed up all night, they refuse to let each other go.

They cannot live without one another.

Two things woke Tails up; the sounds of birds chirping outside the window, and Sonic's monstrous snoring.

He tried to open one eye, but it was all blurry and covered in sleep. "Aw, geez... Why did I cry so much...?" He jokingly asked to himself, rubbing his eyes.

He sits up and was about to get off of the bed, but Sonic's snoring startled him a bit and he turned to see him snuggling against one of his pillows.

He looks so goofy, he thought to himself.

He's happy that Sonic's finally getting some good sleep.

Tails looked around to find himself in Sonic's room. When was the last time he slept in Sonic's room?

Old habits die hard, apparently.

"Zzzzzz... n-no chili..." Tails turned his head back the moment he heard him muttered something. "ZZZzzz, no mm chili dogs, 'm full. Thk you fr askin' though, Vanilla, zzzzzz..." He slurred.

Dreaming about chili dogs. Of course he is. Tails snickered.

He looked at the time and it read 11:38. Tails was surprised on how much or the morning is left. Him and Sonic stayed up for so long, just doing nothing but crying and hugging.

Didn't sound like a lot, but it was a long night regardless.

They needed to be there for each other, and it took them this long enough to finally have a moment with each other.

And even after all this time, Tails is still Tails, and Sonic is still Sonic.

And they're still brothers.

What a time to be alive.

"Yo. Big bro." Tails poked Sonic's cheek to wake him up.

"Mmmaybe one more bite wouldn't hurt..." Sonic mumbled before nibbling on his hand.

Tails covered his mouth, quieting down his laughter. Oh, this is his morning coffee. This is entertainment.

He needed this laugh.

"Sonic, wake up. You're dreaming." He hate to ruin the moment, but he needed to wake his brother up. He didn't want him to sleep through the day.

When Sonic's eyes open, the first thing he could see was most of his hand in his mouth. His eyes rose in confusion before he sits up, getting the hand out of his mouth and spitting out in disgust.

"What the heck was I doing??" He cried. Tails was laughing so hard he almost fell off the bed.

"Tails, please don't tell me you saw the whole thing!" Sonic felt so silly. He always known he spoke in his sleep, but this is ridiculous.

"Relax, Sonic. Everyone chews on their own hand in their sleep at some point in their lives." Tails says, getting up and already heading out of the door.

"Doubt that..."

"Yet here it are."

"Shut it." Sonic kept himself from laughing.

He gets up too, putting on his chili dog themed slippers, reading to start the day. "Geez, what a night... I felt like a crybaby."

"Hey. Don't say that." Tails spoke, turning to the hedgehog. "It's okay to cry. I can tell you've been needing to let it out for some time now."

"Yeah..." Sonic said in agreement. He scratched the back of his ear, feeling bad. "Hey, I'm sorry for telling you about all that stuff. I didn't mean to bring you down like that. My nightmare was pretty messed up and-"

"Sonic. It's okay." Tails reassures with a genuine smile. "It's okay to feel and talk about certain things. I'm glad that you get to talk to me about it. Even if it was messy, we still talked it out."

"Yeah." Sonic says, smiling as well. "Thanks. For being there for me."

"I should be thanking you, dude. But, you're welcome. Anything for my big bro!"

He opened the door and walked out. "I'm getting breakfast ready! You hungry?" He called out from outside the room.

"Some waffles sound pretty good!" Sonic replied out loud.

"Okay, cool!" The kit says.

Sonic chuckled softly. He still felt silly after his and Tails' talk, but at the same time, he felt a lot better now.

He may not be used to talking about his feelings, but at least his little buddy was there to listen to him all the way through.

He truly is grateful to have a brother like Tails.

#sonic the hedgehog #miles tails prower #brothers #sonic fanfiction #my fanfiction #wholesome sonic and tails wednesday #tw mention of death #tw grief #tw self hatred #tw self h4rm #tw swearing #Don't worry it'll get very fluffy soon!#I'm surprised this was shorter than I thought. Probably because I'm so tired and I need sleep lmao apologies if this felt rushed...#Some AO3 fics and drabbles I came across inspired me to write the absolute brothers.#been a hot minute since I posted my writing but HEY! I'm finally kicking writer's block's ass!

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mercymaker · 1 month

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looking at my gif ideas list and feeling absolutely nothing has to be one of the most crushing feelings as a creator

#life #ngl i've been feeling my drive to make gifs slowly declining but would always brush it away as 'having a bad day'#and just push myself to make things because those are MY blorbos?? and if i don't make anything then no one will #but i fear i'm slowly approaching the end of things #like i downloaded the hug mod and looked at it and looked at it and looked at it #and felt absolutely nothing #mel from like 5 months ago would be STOKED af about it rushing to find the prettiest location the cutest outfits etc.#and now i'm just.. yea #funny enough i was inspired to write quite a bit today so holding on to that creatively #not to be all gloom and doom though fingers crossed it's just exhaustion and heat doing a number on me #but i just felt like finally voicing what's been going on in my noggin #will go sit in the garden today and plant some flowers and see how i feel about things after that

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amee-racle-ofmyown · 5 months

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the heist!mark brainrot is consuming me…, just imagine mark n the viewer meeting for the first time as little kids to shoplift candy or smth together ╥﹏╥

the (brain)rot consumes!! I can relate

my dear anon... LISTEN. I am a big advocate for childhood friends captaineer, it's one of my favourite headcanons, but a childhood friends AU for the heist partners? that's something I hadn't considered until now. and it's adorable. I had to write something for it asap because I was INSPIRED. I hope you enjoy💖 thanks for sparking the idea!

Heist!Mark x reader (not explicitly romantic at all it's more about the friendship in this one) | Words: 1,317

You are in the kitchen of your shared home base, unloading the groceries your heist partner has just bought, when you pick up a bag of sour candies, smiling quietly to yourself. He's always been a fan of them.

Turning the packet in your hands, an old memory drifts to the surface of your mind:

You don't remember exactly how long ago it was, but you couldn't have been much older than maybe ten.

Your father was busy working, and had reluctantly sent you to the store with a small list after you insisted you could handle it on your own.

You slipped the folded piece of paper out of your school bag and scanned the list of items. At the bottom was a note that read, ‘Remember to stay hydrated, kiddo! :)’

You walked around the supermarket collecting the few things on your list and placed them in your trolley. On your way to the checkout, you passed through the candy aisle and slowed to eye the products on display.

‘Aren't you going to get anything?’

Your head perked up, shocked at the sudden voice addressing you.

There was a boy next to you with dark hair, looking at you inquisitively. He seemed to be about your age. He might have even been slightly shorter than you.

You must have been standing here for longer than you realised if it had prompted him to ask you about it.

You shook your head.

‘Why not?’

‘Oh, um. My dad only gave me enough money for what we need,’ you said timidly, showing him the list.

‘Ohh, that's too bad.’ Then, a small yet undeniably mischievous smile appeared on his face. He glanced discreetly up and down the aisle. ‘You know you can just — ’ and he took one of the small packets of candy off the shelf and slipped it swiftly into his pocket.

Your eyes went wide, stunned. Both from the fact that he was suggesting you steal, and at the speed and subtly with which he'd enacted the crime, as if he'd done it dozens of times before, if not more.

‘What are you doing?’ you spoke in a harsh whisper.

‘It's no big deal,’ he said in a lower voice than before, but one that still felt entirely too loud. He slipped another bag into his pocket.

You did not want to associate with this boy any longer.

You pushed your trolley away and towards the checkout, handing your items to the cashier.

You were unhappy to find the boy waiting for you when you exited the store, shopping bag in your hand.

‘What do you want?’ you asked, a little standoffishly, frowning at him.

‘There's no need to be rude,’ he said with a small pout. ‘Y'know, I think I might have seen you at school a few times.’

To your dismay, he followed along as you started walking home. When you pressed him, he simply said, ‘Hey, I'm not following you! I live down this way too, I promise!’

As the two of you walked, he chatted annoyingly by your side. What was more annoying was that you found you didn't mind his presence. You were a quiet kid and you didn't have many friends. Having someone to walk home with you was kind of a nice change of pace.

Just as you thought this, though, you immediately chided yourself mentally. You and him were not friends. You weren't going to be friends. This boy was a criminal and he wasn't even sorry about it.

You frowned in thought.

Oh no, what if he got caught? What if you went to juvenile jail for being an accomplice to theft? What would Dad say? What would Mom say? What if—’

‘Hey, are you listening to me? You haven't responded to anything I'm saying.’

You simply sighed as he pulled you out of your thoughts.

‘Are you still mad about the candy? I told you it's not a big deal.’

You stopped as you realised you were approaching your front door. The journey seemed to have gone a little faster than usual.

‘Really?’ you finally replied in an exasperated tone. ‘That was no big deal for you? That was stealing. Stealing is wrong.’ You couldn't believe you had to spell it out to him.

‘They won't notice a couple tiny bags of candy are gone. My mom says big companies that own supermarkets are greedy. They make loads of money anyway and don't pay enough taxes.’

‘Does your mom know you're a thief?’

‘W- well, no, but-’

‘That’s what I thought.’

He looked a little disheartened.

‘Please don't tell anyone. I'm sorry if I upset you,’ he said quietly, looking down.

You hadn't really expected an apology from someone like him. You sighed again.

‘I won't tell, but don't expect me to just go along with it. And don't act like we're best buds all of a sudden. We don't know each other. You don't even know my name!’

‘Well, what's your name?’

You gave him a slightly surprised look before telling him your name, albeit hesitantly.

‘Look, I have to get going now…’

You fumbled with the shopping bag as you reached into your coat pocket, feeling for the house key, when you suddenly felt something that wasn't there before. It made a crinkling sound beneath your touch.

‘You didn't.’ You pulled the candy out of your pocket. ‘When did you—?’

The boy grinned at you.

‘I thought you could have one of mine.’

‘I don't want your stolen candy!’

‘Judging by how you looked at it earlier, I think you do. And besides, stolen treats taste better!’ he called out, already walking away.

‘Wh- SHH!’ You hoped none of your neighbours had heard.

‘I'm Mark by the way! See ya, buddy!’

You stood outside the front door, dumbfounded.

Finally you let yourself in. Your dad wouldn't be home yet for a while.

You put the shopping away and sat down at your kitchen table, staring at the stolen goods in front of you.

You could try to put it back but… that would be more suspicious.

You figured, the deed had been done. There was nothing you could do now, so you may as well make the most of it.

You tore the edge of the packet and popped one of the candies in your mouth, savouring the sweet and sour combination on your tongue.

Maybe Mark was right. It did taste extra good. But maybe it was just because you'd been craving it.

What a weird kid.

‘Stealing is wrong, huh…?’ you mumble under your breath. You look down at the candy in your hands. It's not the same brand as the one from back then, but you imagine it tastes more or less the same, from what you remember.

Present day Mark is the one to pull you out of your musings.

‘Hey, what's with that face you're making? I know that look, buddy. Are you contemplating your life choices??’

You chuckle softly.

‘Just… got reminded of something. I suppose I got lost in nostalgia for a moment.’

‘Oh yeah? Penny for your thoughts?’

You turn and smile at him.

‘This just made me think of an annoying little boy stealing candy from a supermarket. And his reluctant acquaintance who ended up getting dragged into his antics for the foreseeable future.’

It takes a second for it to click.

‘Ohhhhh.’ You watch as realisation turns to him smiling fondly at the memories, which turns to him snapping his attention to you with a fake-offended look.

You laugh at his expression.

‘Wait, hey! Annoying?!’

‘Mhm.’

‘Excuse you, I was a wonderful, sweet and positively charming child.’

Your laughter rings out in the kitchen, full of mirth, and he shakes his head at you with a familiar lopsided grin, and you are so grateful for the cheeky little boy who approached you that day.

#feels kinda weird calling it candy instead of sweets. but I did it bc they presumably live in america #I'm working on at least two other fics rn but I had to stop everything to write this #I finally submitted a uni thing I've been doing for a while so I felt like I deserved a break #and I sat down and wrote majority of this in one sitting lmao #lmao it ended up being my longest fic to date??? WHAT THE HECK?!#BTW AGAIN. NOT ENCOURAGING STEALING THAT'S BAD DON'T DO IT #also yes y/n's dad is the one the only stan the water man #I hc stan to have been the captain's actual dad so I just went 'wth why not in this universe too?'#I really enjoyed this one #thank you again anon #also. I looked up pictures of young markiplier out of curiosity and to get into the headspace Ig/get a mental image for this #and guys. I highly encourage you to do the same.#HE WAS SUCH A LITTLE GUY🥺#and he looked as cheeky and mischievous as he often does now lolol #that also inspired parts of this haha #I tried to write a young heist!mark in a way that I think? would make sense for him #bit of a kleptomaniac maybe lol #and possibly more seemingly extroverted than I wanted but I had to kick off the interaction somehow #amee writes #a heist with markiplier #ahwm #partners in crime #heist mark x y/n #heist mark x reader #heist mark #markiplier egos #markiplier cu #asks #anonymous #requests

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hylialeia · 11 months

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I never did write and post my thoughts after I finished reading Priory of the Orange Tree but given I've been thinking about the state of the fantasy genre a lot lately - across YA, adult, and "new adult" categories - I figure now is a good time to do that.

I didn't particularly like this book.

And I find this weird to write, because unlike most books I end up disliking, Priory was consistently well written in a technical sense, had a narrative voice I generally navigate towards, and consisted of some genuinely impressive worldbuilding and well-thought-out fantasy concepts.

Yet it took me months to finish it. I even hit a point where I almost DNF'd the entire thing, I was so surprised by my lack of motivation to continue. This book hooked me, presented me with something interesting, and then... completely flat-lined.

While a lot of this could have just been media burnout on my end (you can never really account for how your own personal mood and context when you start something new), I at least know for sure that my lack of enthusiasm had nothing to do with the novel's length. In fact, one of my technical criticisms of Priory is that I think it would have benefited immensely from splitting its story into a series and extending things, fleshing out more of the characters in each of their respective settings, as well as allowing for a lot more build-up towards the climax and eventual intersection of the characters' storylines.

As it stands, those are the areas that felt the most rushed and underwhelming to me. There were several potential instances of conflict throughout the novel that the narrative brushes over or ignores in a way I found particularly disappointing. In a book that grounds itself in examining religious bias, propaganda, xenophobia, and sexism, there were surprisingly few deeper conflicts or tense moments between our main characters. This became especially apparent by the end, when widely accepted histories (and religions) are turned on their heads and most of our POV characters carry on without any sense of fallout, betrayal, or lasting hurt. Each and every character puts aside their personal biases and histories in a way that should feel admirable and satisfying, but instead felt less than believable and even... underwhelming, given the speed with which it was done and the potential (fascinating!) conflicts that those agreements squandered.

I couldn't help but feel that the characters of Priory were either half-baked or intentionally watered down for the purposes of being palatable. Tané, Niclays, and Sabran were (in my totally subjective opinion) the most interesting characters by far; it doesn't escape me that they were also the ones who did, said, and/or thought some of the more uncharitable and even downright terrible things within the novel. Tané's inferiority complex and self-sabotaging nature, Niclays's mixture of pessimism, cowardice, and bitterness, and Sabran's privilege and willful prejudice, all served to make them more fascinating to me. They gave me clear character flaws that made their respective stories more interesting, flaws that stoked my desire to see them improve (or deteriorate) on the course of their character arcs. I found myself disappointed when those arcs became rushed in the final act, those flaws never proving a sufficient obstacle to their dynamics or growth.

Ead and Loth were sadly the worst case scenario. I wanted desperately to like them, but every POV chapter they had seemed to be written by an author terrified to make them in any way unlikable, or even portray them as in the wrong. Ead ends up being completely right about everything; the falseness of Sabran's history, her religion, and her country. Her only missteps result from a lack of information, which she quickly overcomes or is the first to genuinely discover, thus erasing any feeling of culpability that otherwise may have been implied; I never feel any legitimate moments of shame, grief, horror, or regret on her part, because the author never gives her legitimate reason to feel those things. Niclays is interesting in his betrayals and moments of cowardice, and the moments where he overcomes them are all the more meaningful for having seen him falter. Ead, arguably our main protagonist, never really gets something similar. She doesn't make any mistakes, and this is the greatest disservice Shannon could do to her as a character.

I barely know what to say about Loth, mostly because he only began interesting me when he encountered Tané - a dynamic that was cut woefully short and could have been absolutely fascinating if it was deeply explored. Prior to this moment (which had to be in the last 10% of the book, if I remember correctly), Loth is "a walking camera" (quoting a friend). He has characteristics with potential; religious, loyal, and dedicated... but considering the entire basis of his faith is overturned by one of his closest friends, he has shockingly little reaction or issue with this. Due to the important of larger plot happenings, Loth has to dust himself off and just postpone his reaction to the utter disassembly of his religious background for another time - which we are then never able to see. His reactions to most everything are basic, reasonable, minimal, or even dull; he could have paralleled Sabran in his religious prejudice, even showed some effects of his society's religious fanaticism, but he never really seems to - at least, never in a way that truly feels like it's testing him. For all intents and purposes, Loth feels like a character who should be making snap judgments and loads of mistakes, but instead is relegated to keeping those thoughts to himself (even hiding them from the reader) and soldiering on.

Priory was mostly recommended to me based on the impressive scale of its worldbuilding, which was definitely a cut above the rest. I thought Shannon had a firm grasp on her setting and some legitimately excellent imagery for it. I've been made more appreciative of this by the analysis in Global Medievalism by Helen Young and Kavita Mudan Finn, which dissects how Priory (and others) takes the predominantly white interpretation of medievalism and medieval fantasy expands it in a way that's far more inclusive and also far more interesting than much of our modern day "high fantasy" media. I'm not without my criticisms, however; the worldbuilding is another area where the pacing hurts the story, as we only have one 800 page book to get to know the seemingly important settings in which these characters live. That may sound like a lot, but it's perilously little; balancing those vivid worldbuilding details with a packed plot and character arcs meant that, at any given time, one aspect was always getting the short end of the stick.

While I appreciate Shannon's attempts to write with a feminist approach to high fantasy, I think her efforts highlight an issue I have with many similar approaches. Primarily, I find it difficult for a work to address, untangle, disassemble, and analyze misogyny in a setting where they... don't really show it. We're in a state where I think many of us have become (understandably) distrustful of media claiming "realism" or "historical accuracy" to defend its portrayal of violence and various types of oppression, but lately, I've noticed the response to that gratuitousness (in the cases where these things actually are gratuitous instead of just uncomfortable-yet-intentional, that is), is to avoid these things in the narrative almost entirely. That's all well and good; you don't have to include racism, misogyny, ableism, or imperialism in your fantasy world, especially when your desire is to write an alternative escapism to these things.

But when a piece of media is striving to say something about those topics, as I assume Priory does since its driving conflict results from a history of dismissing women's bravery and sacrifice against evil and instead granting the reward of their efforts to a man, then I have to admit, I feel somewhat underwhelmed when the women in the story never face any of the trials I myself deal with in real life. Their male colleagues seem consistently respectful with rare few exceptions; women across the series are allowed to occupy roles from respected advisors to knights trained in combat. Sabran herself seems to be one of the only women deeply impacted by familiar misogynistic mindsets, as she's constantly pressured to marry a man and produce offspring for the continuation of her line. Yet even this could almost be argued to be a special case within the world, since this pressure results from the religious belief that the continuation of her line (through her, the queen, the matriarch) is keeping the main antagonist at bay. This area felt like it wanted to be a subversion to much of the gritty, "realistic" fantasy that plagues the market, but to me, it felt more like indecisiveness. Is there misogyny in this world or isn't there? Is there homophobia in this setting or not? The answer could simply be yes, no, or even somewhat, but instead it felt like a "maybe".

Overall, Priory of the Orange Tree fell flat for me, maybe because my expectations were too high, or maybe because I just wasn't in a place to really dig my teeth into it. Mostly, though, I believe it fell flat because Shannon failed in what I believe to be the most important area of focus in a work: character. I would have traded worldbuilding, plot, imagery, and much more for a cast of characters that felt more intensely raw and complex, that were more unabashedly real in their flaws even if they risked becoming unlikable. Sitting at a 5.5/10

#priory of the orange tree #final comment is I really did enjoy that shannon made the world more inclusive (and not in a tokenistic way like a lot of books do)#but I think fear of writing characters of color and queer characters as potentially bad/harsh/unlikable people killed a LOT of momentum #which is strange because it was working so well with niclays! but then for most others they just felt sort of. there #leia reads #this book also inspired my brain parasite post about asoiaf so that could be part of it #I really like the pov style where characters are unfiltered and can be awful at times #characters in priory just felt sort of held back in that sense (excluding niclays and sometimes tane)#and again only having the one book sort of exacerbated this issue #so much was set aside so we could get to the Final Boss

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flyingfluse · 7 months

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AZIRAPHALE SONG

Did anyone ask me to write a song about Aziraphale? Nope. Did I feel the undying need to spend every free second of the last two months doing it anyway, loosing my sanity in the process? Absolutely. So here are the lyrics for Aziraphale Alone, a 8-9 minute classical music/musical inspired soliloquy of our favorite angel, diving into his brilliant and confused brain after the season 2 finale. Enjoy!

(note: I plan on posting a version that is less explicitly romantic, especially without a certain section in this song, for people who view their love as ace and don’t feel comfortable reading their ship in this light)

Aziraphale Alone

Heaven. Aziraphale is alone, lonely, exhausted. And a bit annoyed.

Endless white, so blank, so bright.

This place is unbearably dull.

No colours, no smells, no ringing bell

As the door opens to the shop of Mr. Fell.

No vintage wine, no books, no Sondheim!

No trace of humour or wits.

No Sundays in Parks, no clever remarks

And no dinners at the Ritz.

Aziraphale fondly remembers his time on earth with a certain someone.

At night my heart's turned into rivers of ink,

When there was magic in the air.

And in the blink of an eye I would sink

Into the depths of a warm yellow glare

Building a home, fragile yet quaint

With a good fortune to share

A place with the pleasure of no self-restraint

Where stars are made in the most fervid of flares.

Our timeless dance is enchanting the shop

No miracle could compare.

(reluctant) Then the music stopped. The curtain dropped.

(woeful) And no nightingale sang in Berkeley -.

(Composing himself) You and I have spent millennia working on opposite sites.

And truly I as a dutiful angel was meant to resent and despise

The foul fiend demon Crowley supposedly one of the worst of his kind,

But the meanest, most hurtful deed you ever did was uttering those lines.

Music picks ups speed. Choir joins in as well as the full orchestra.

(getting more and more irritated) How could you dare to simply declare

the absence of our song?

When I was right there, one half of the pair,

of the us you claimed you long to be!

But apparently so

there's so much I don't know!

As if I hadn't learnt a thing

seeing how they burnt your wings,

casting you down below!

I may seem naive, but there's one thing I now understand

That we can't achieve peace, when our castle is made of sand.

Our lovely reprieve has finally come to an end!

For there will be another storm we can't take cover from.

We must act now there's no time for laments!

And there was a solution how we could reduce any

risk of losing what matters most,

So then how could you choose to leave me and refuse

the chance we could have used to finally depose

The faulty regime, heaven's design

is flawed, I know, I am not blind!

That's why we need to find a way to make it right

For heaven's the root of truth, goodness in light.

Still certainly better than the other side!

There may be exemptions to the rule,

But hell is still callous cold and cruel

With torment and torture as daily routines.

Do you think I haven't seen

How you have suffered all these years?

How you have struggled to fight the fear,

That's lingering in your eyes, when you try to hide

your kindness behind a shady guise.

You say you're not nice, a demon who's wily

Wicked, vicious, who always lies.

You can fool everyone and yourself,

But I know your goodness far too well.

Your heart and decency break quietly, secretly

straight through the ceiling of what is allowed!

You act when something‘s wrong, knowing you could be gone

right when the graveyard yawns and hell breathes out.

(Softly) Can you blame me for wanting to see

You smile like you did back then,

When stars filled your eyes with wonder and glee.

I just want you to be that happy again.

You‘ve grown so gloomy, weary and tired.

So I tried to bring you the sun,

(hurt) But you‘ve clarified that‘s not what you desire.

I don‘t even know why I’m stunned,

I guess I was the silly one.

He remembers what followed after their argument.

But then you pulled me in, caught me by surprise,

Warning sirens were howling above.

But shock and confusion would quickly subside.

One glorious moment it all wore off.

One ardent touch and the world fell away

And with it the looming and intricate veil

Of pretence, apprehension, prejudice and pride,

I get lost in indulgence that we’ve been denied.

My hands wander up as my thoughts wander down.

The taste of your tempting lips lets me drown

Deep in your divine, deserving embrace,

Your sweet velvet wine, I could drink it for days.

A ravenous craving I’ve tried to control

To selfishly savour your body and soul.

The music crescendos, getting faster and faster.

Oh how I wish we could just run

Away and paint our own shade of grey.

A fervent mix of blue and red,

Two parts of a painting that finally connect.

You take the wheel, full speed ahead,

Home, to a place where we will forget

The watchful eyes and silent threats

and at last-

Stop!

You‘re going too fast.

(Broken)

Endless white, it shines so brightly through the open blinds.

I shakily stand on this earth we were send to and

can't understand just what I should do.

These quarrelsome queries that I've grown so wary of

haunting my mind like ghosts in a tomb.

How to follow my heart with the song of the lark

bringing back bitter sweetness I‘ve tried to discard?

I just try to be good.

I need to be good.

Why is that so incredibly hard?

And maybe I’m where the problem lies, a

pathetic excuse for an angel for sure,

Destined to fail, disloyal, a liar,

Too soft, too scared and too insecure.

(Overcome with love) But you‘ve made a change, you helped me see

That I am worth the effort of

Risking paperwork to save me from quandaries,

That me being there is more than enough.

You‘re so much kinder than everyone else,

So how come that you are the one who fell?

Even though I have been also defying them,

so terrified of losing her love.

Can’t tell, what’s right or wrong, now that you're truly gone,

how can I move along in the above?

Still, my faith in god stand, I know she’s got a plan

So ineffable even to those who attempt

To end life here on earth, erase progress and mirth

It just can’t be true that all this was meant to be!

(He stops. Shocked. Scared.)

(slowly) Asking questions that’s how it starts,

First the fall, then falling apart.

Can it be that it’s hell I am running towards?

But maybe just maybe her divine intent

has always been for me to thwart!

(With growing conviction) God can’t be where the problem lies,

But there’s a blaze scorching the management board.

It’s said that you must fight fire with fire,

And I was the one given the flaming sword!

I can’t just turn my back and run,

I’ll get that book, take out my gun,

Won’t shoot past the ear, but aim for the head,

a moral argument they won’t forget!

I will make a change. I will make them see

We don’t need more floods but simply a dove!

Don’t they know heaven’s supposed to be

A place of kindness and love?

And you, my dear, left me no choice

But to walk this path alone

Like water off ducks, this picture of us,

Slid right through my fingers, turning to dust.

I left my home, lost all I loved

Though one thing I couldn‘t stand

Even if nothing lasts forever

I cannot lose my best friend!

You’ve rescued me so many times,

all part of our little dance.

And now that the music has picked up its pace

it’s my turn to take a stance!

I get it now! You won‘t come back,

but I won’t wait till they attack!

Got some things to suggest,

This time I won‘t stand still!

I’m a guardian angel and protect this world I will!

(Quieter, gentler, but with equal resolve)

Protect my world, I will.

#I originally planned a 4 minute piece #but anything less than what I’ve written felt like it wouldn’t have done justice to Mr. “Let-me-start-at-the-VERY-beginning”#I will eventually make a recording #but this will most likely include a full blown orchestra and choir and I don’t have the time for all that atm #I just couldn’t resist sharing it any longer #this series has taken over my life #thank you Neil Gaiman and Michael Sheen for inspiring me to write this #good omens #good omens 2 #ineffable husbands #aziraphale #the final fifteen #do it again #good omens meta #character song #good omens song #good omens poem #good omens art #good omens music

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