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kryptsune · 5 years

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🌼Here is my version of Horrortale THE UPDATED VERSION! I was not really happy with how I wrote it prior to this but now that I have added more world building I am so much more satisfied with the result. There is a lot more to it now than there was before world wise. A few things to mention before I start. This Horrortale is mainly a Frans or Frisk X Sans AU. It may change in the future but that is the core of it. I also want to warn people that the below content may be triggering or disturbing. This is very serial killer based so keep that in mind as you move forward.

DO NOT REPOST MY WORK WITHOUT MY PERMISSION IT IS NOT FOR YOUR USE. IF YOU LIKE MY WORK PLEASE REBLOG INSTEAD! It helps me so much! It makes such a difference.💙If you want more of these just let me know! It’s the only way I can gauge interest!

Horrortale {FXS}

Alternate “Nicknames” Info:

Sans: Blade Papyrus: Ash ( joke reference to Ash vs the Evil Dead)

Main Plot Synop: Sans timeline has yet to meet their “fallen human”. On the surface the monsters begin to do experimentation learning about the abilities that humans possess. These studies lead to even more advances for the humans and the monsters. They live and coexist perfectly but something goes wrong. The monsters were considered to be pure beings ones with pure white souls to match but humans were flawed. They did horrible things even to their own and eventually that began to create a new threat. One that was easily spread from monster to monster. A black infection that begin to eat away and hollow out ones soul called The Rot.

Sans works in the lab spending more and more time trying to help his associates with their research into human soul traits. Gaster begins to make headway on the research of the soul extracting vials of concentrated soul essence. That includes the essence from a fallen human that died of causes unknown. Their name is Chara. In Chara’s soul The Rot lies in wait festering in a sea of pure red. Like an apple rotted from the inside the hate and hopelessness of this trait resided in that lone soul and ate it alive. All that they had been was no more. Those working in the lab are the first to be infected especially their Royal Scientist Dr. W.D Gaster.

Sans pursuit to rid the others of this rot causes him to become obsessive and resort to using old vials of human soul essence in his own experiments. It begins to become successful keeping away the infection but at high doses it can have some nasty side effects. He begins to cure the monsters but his own rot can only be cured by one source, Determination. The strength of the essence is so powerful that it begins to have some interesting complications.

Kindness- Obsession

Integrity- Moral righteousness/ pride/ manipulation

Bravery- Adrenaline high constantly sweating, rapid breathing and nausea

Justice- OCD (ideologic pride)

Perseverance- Extreme fatigue/sickness/ depression as physical symptoms

Patience- Timid and intense fear/ anxiety

The Rot and the World it forms:

The rot if left “untreated” can cause some rather unfortunate changes within monster biology and the cure to such an infection is not foolproof (in fact I would argue it causes them to start cannibalizing each other). Those that are suffering from the rot begin to make their way through different stages of the infection.

Stage 1: Paranoia and weakness

Stage 2: A shift in biology- Due to the cure being human soul traits the side effect is a change in monster biological structure. They begin to lose some of their magical abilities taking on the traits that are curing them. It alters their make up at the soul level. This also causes them to take on a more physical form. That means that their bodies persist after death and even bleed.

Stage 3: Starvation/ Ravenous hunger- The infection causes a craving in the soul most likely in an effort to fill a hole of some kind. The same one that is eating away at their soul leaving a soulless husk behind. This is usually seen in the form of food but it can also be more worldly things. Money, power, all of those are fair game. They essentially become soulless.

Stage 4: Mindlessness- Almost like wild animals the monsters that make it to this stage become like wild beasts. All predators. They feast on other monsters but they usually turn their sights to monsters that have a high concentration of human soul in their bodies. That includes humans as well.

Stage 5: “Death” (amalgamates)- The typical mindless zombie. They are slow and aggressive only thinking of eating even though they are half dead already. They do not speak, they do not think. They exist. (What a horrible way to “live”).

Monsters begin to eat and kill each other thinning the once thriving monster world. Just like in UT they used to have an overcrowding problem but now with this new situation that is quickly changing. Asgore locks himself away trying to keep the infection at bay and away from those he cares about. It is unclear if the King is dead or not. All they know is that the entire Underground is in ruin.

It would appear that having quantities of these traits can hold off deeper stages of the infection. That is why they begin to formulate ways to lure humans into the mountain, songs, whispers, anything that can be used. The barrier is different in this version as it only requires the power of a human soul and a monster soul to cross it. This means that some monsters have the ability to slip past the barrier to drag humans back for “dinner time”. The human cities have not forgotten about the monster threat and they keep up defenses to keep them out. A zombie apocalypse if you will. That means that some monsters (again not all they have to be strong enough) can cross the barrier and bring back food.

The barrier was also not created originally as a punishment for monsters losing the war but rather containment. It was cruel nonetheless and eventually the humans began to distance themselves from the monsters leaving them stuck in a barrier that provided no room to grow and little food or resources. Eventually as The Rot began to infest the Underground humans quarantined it off leaving them even more hopeless than ever before.

Humans do not “seem” to be affected by The Rot but their world has been significantly altered by the disease. It makes it difficult to live when all your meals are outside of your cities security and large open spaces are easy targets such as farms. In the end the war and caused an even larger problem, the destruction of their world. It is nothing but an apocalyptic wasteland in most parts due to attacks. Food is scarce both in the Underground as well as on the surface. Just as monsters have become hunters of their own

The Effects of DETERMINATION:

Sans begins to see more and more the inner works and the fabric of the world he lives in. It begins to make him think he is going crazy. It has to be due to sleepless nights, heightened stress, and hopelessness that seems to continue to fester in his own soul. In addition to being able to manipulate and see the fabric of his world he also has “visions”. Almost a form of astral projection. His consciousness is able to see through the eyes of his respective timeline counterparts. He is able to see everything they do in multiple timelines. It is a form of timeline hopping or reset. They are all on the same frequency.

He begins to see their happiness and their pains. The good and the evil. At first he thinks they are dreams but as it happens more frequently the more he realizes the nature of it. He sees how happy they are and there is one constant variable for their happiness (the bad timelines begin to heighten his apathy). That constant is Frisk. He continues to help the other monsters and almost all of them are “cured” though the other side of The Rot has yet to rear its ugly head. He however becomes a recluse burying himself in his supposed delusions and madness. He continues to take more and more DT slowly turning his eyes red. It is like the ring of an oak tree. The longer that he uses it the more rings he gets the larger his eye becomes (giving him that classic Horror look). At first they are like the rings of a tree effectively replacing his rot with a new DT addiction. It also begins to cause his face to slowly melt.

Meanwhile the other main boss monsters that have been treated have a similar affliction where the soul traits they were taken have embedded into their souls. It begins to give them a new power. A power rivaling that of a human soul. The power of the 7. The variable that can be used to slip past the barrier. Sans though is becoming slowly obsessed with this Frisk. He sees her not as a variable anymore but rather someone that will make him happy.

Sans madness continues to increase even his associate Dr. Alphys is trying to get him some semblance of help but by this time he is too far gone. He needs an intervention. An explosion happens in the lab. The vials and his research are now gone. All of it has gone up in flames and unfortunately the damage to his soul has already been done. He ends up in solitary confinement sinking further into his obsession.

News reaches him that a human has fallen down from the opposite entrance of the Underground. He goes to meet them only to realize that they look nothing like the human he is obsessed with. He begins to harvest human soul essence hiding his face behind a mask at first since nearly the whole front portion of his face is gone. It is a mask of his own face which makes his gaze even creepier knowing what, or rather what does not lay beyond it. Eventually he learns to easily control his face with his magic rearranging the dust to shift his appearance. His level of insanity shifts to obsessive confusion. He is unhappy his first human encounter is not his precious Frisk but the human does have her eyes from his perspective. His concept of what Frisk actually looks like keeps changing.

His form and control is directly tied to his emotional states. If he experiences any form of heightened emotion be it sadness or rage his composure will falter as will his appearance. If it becomes too drastic he will slowly begin to melt causing the appearance he originally had when this all began to appear. This is why he is called “The man with many faces.” He will sometimes end up completely faceless save for the bottom half where his grin would be.

Blades Madness:

Sans (aka Blade) obsession causes him to steal the various parts of humans to create his perfect human. Each one he makes he sees as an improvement. They are all mindless dolls held together with low doses of soul essence and magic. A macabre shrine to his beloved human. They reside in his shed and sometimes he talks to them but he considers them as failures. He calls them his projects and this continues over and over until his Frisk falls.

He is overjoyed that he has his precious with him now. Papyrus checks on his brother yet he knows he needs help. After all these years he has seen his brothers decline Ash tries to help him. Frisk’s entry into the Underground is by complete accident, though she is not the savior that the rest are known to be. She is a soul of kindness causing her eyes to be a bright jade. Even Sans though overjoyed that Frisk has “returned” to him; he feels as though she is not perfect yet. He takes her and makes her perfect by removing one of her eyes to be a beautiful blue. He even cuts the back section of her hair to satisfy him.

She feels no pain when this happens. Her kind soul wants to help him and slowly she begins to pull the old Sans back every once and awhile. Her soul, just like Charas, is filled with something as well. It turns out that though it looks like Frisk’s soul is one of kindness it is actually a pure white soul of hope. This has the ability to cure The Rot. They are glimpses but it is progress. He has to stop his killing ways and he does after Frisk is with him.

She feels no pain when this happens. Her kind soul wants to help him and slowly she begins to pull the old Sans back every once and awhile. They are glimpses but it is progress. He has to stop his killing ways and he does after Frisk is with him.

#sans #sans x frisk #frans #horrortale #horror tale au #undertale #undertale au #au sans variation #horror #horrortale au #pychological horror #horror boy #Blade #friskys multiverse #world building #WTU #lore building

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goodvibesatpeace · 5 years

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Dealing with energy vampires

Energy. It’s the very strength and vitality we require to live a dynamic, driven and determined life. We all have it and we all need it, yet many of us find ourselves lifeless and lethargic by the end (and sometimes at the beginning), of the day.Life is precious and unpredictably short-lived.

It’s no wonder then, that many of us drag ourselves through each day miserable and melancholic with the thought that we could be living much better lives.Throughout the ages, high-energy has been associated with happy, vivacious people, and low-energy with depressed and apathetic people.

Unfortunately, psychosomatic medicine has shown a strong link between the mind and body, meaning that the less energy we possess, the more prone we’ll be to suffer from illnesses such as depression, anxiety and other mood disorders.

It’s true that the healthy and happy person is one filled with energy. Without energy, how can we fulfill our dreams, pursue our goals and overcome our obstacles? Without energy, how can we hope to truly achieve anything of meaning or significance in life? It’s true that some people naturally possess more energy than others, but have you ever considered why? Certainly, genetics play a role, but more importantly the environment around us does as well.

EVERYTHING IS ENERGY

If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration. ~ Nikola Tesla

At a sub-atomic level, all that exists in life is composed of vibrating atoms, or pure energy. Even incorporeal things such as our thoughts, emotions, instincts and sexual drives can be said to be composed of energy. So essentially, we live in an ocean of motion, and like in the ocean – or any environment on earth for that matter – there are both predators and prey.

ENERGY VAMPIRES

In life, there are just some people who tend to drain us of energy very quickly. If you’re a Highly Sensitive Person, or an Empath, you will be very aware of who sucks your energy and when.

However, not all of us are as sensitive or in-tune with our bodies, and this can be difficult and confusing to deal with. While some people argue that Energy Vampires are people who can’t sustain their own life force in a positive manner, others speculate that Energy Vampires are well-meaning and normal, yet naturally overbearing people. The point of this article, however, is not to delve into the psychology of the Energy Vampire, but to identify and explore ways to strengthen and energize our lives in light of them.

There are two types of Energy Vampires:

Physical Energy Vampires

Some people are not able to continue on in this life without taking energy from those around them whether they know it or not.

They often have emotional or mental issues that drain them causing them to feed off of the energy of others.

An energetic part inside of this person attaches itself to you, and sets up the whole thing. This could be any person in your life a coworker, friend, family member, ETC.

Non-Physical Energy Vampires

These types of vampires often go undetected and enter our lives with ease. They are opportunists who will attach to energy siphons that another human is using.

They hit the hardest when you deal with something like trauma, injuries, addiction, and even extreme fear

HOW TO IDENTIFY THE ENERGY VAMPIRE

You will experience the following symptoms of being:

Overwhelmed

Stressed

Physically ill (e.g. headaches, body aches, etc.)

Mentally or physically exhausted

Irritable and/or anxious

You may notice that the Energy Vampire displays many of the following characteristics:

Big ego, e.g. loves to debate, argue and pick fights.

Aggressive or passive-aggressive tendencies.

Paranoia.

Resentment and anger issues.

Narcissism

Melodramatic behavior.

Whining and complaining.

Bitching and gossiping.

Insecurity, e.g. the constant need for reassurance and acceptance.

Manipulative behaviors, e.g. guilt tripping, emotional blackmail etc.

Jealousy.

Energy Vampires are, in most cases, takers rather than givers who gain free therapy sessions with their family, friends, lovers, colleagues and even children and strangers who are on the receiving end.

It’s also good to realize that Energy Vampires are not always necessarily human beings. They can also be situations or even physical objects in your life. Examples include:

The internet

The TV.

Other electronic devices (e.g. the radio, mobile phone, etc.)

Public situations (e.g. crowds, parties, train stations, shopping centers etc.)

Animals (e.g. neurotic pets)

The hardest thing about suffering at the hands of an Energy Vampire is when they are part of your family or friends circle. How can we regain our vitality in such energy-sucking relationships?

Sure you may be the prey, but there’s no use in playing the role of the victim. To better your life you need to do something. Here are some suggestions:

1. STOP MAKING PROLONGED EYE-CONTACT.

I’ve personally found that this is one of the biggest energy absorbers. The more eye-contact you make, the more you engage with the other person and what they have to say. Only occasional eye-contact is necessary in this instance.

2. SET A TIME LIMIT.

Your time is precious as well, and it’s not necessary for you to sit around for 1 or 2 hours having your energy zapped and brain numbed. According to your energy level, set a limit of 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes where you can give your focus to the person, and no more.

3. LEARN NOT TO REACT.

This is very important. The Energy Vampire feeds off the reactions of others, fueling them to continue on interacting with you. It’s important for you to learn how to be neutral in your interactions with others, meaning that the display of overly positive or negative emotions should be monitored carefully.

4. LEARN NOT TO ARGUE OR CONTRADICT.

Yes it’s tempting, but in the long run you can’t change other people unless they change themselves first – the more you resist them, the more they will resist (and drain) you.

5. GO WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

Approaching the Energy Vampire with 1, 2 or 3 other people will help decrease the level of effort expended, and attention received. For this to work you need to ensure that the additional people aren’t psychic leeches either.

6. LISTEN MORE THAN TALK.

A lot of the time Energy Vampires simply want and need a listening ear. The more you talk, the more energy you tend to lose (especially if you’re introverted). Using words such as “why”, “when” and “how” will encourage the psychic sucker to do most of the talking, which in turn will help preserve your energy.

7. TRY STICKING TO LIGHT-HEARTED TOPICS.

Your conversations don’t need to be depressive and oppressive. Take control when necessary and change the topic of conversation to something more light and simple.

8. VISUALIZE.

Many people claim that visualizing protective light/energy shields around them helps to deflect psychic fatigue, and maintain a neutral and calm state of mind. Try it some time.

9. AVOID WHEN POSSIBLE.

This is not always possible, but is a simple and straight-forward technique to assist in your self-preservation. I don’t recommend this as a consistent resolution, as the less you come in contact with the Vampire/s the less opportunity you’ll have to develop, and put into practice, a useful and necessary life skill.

10. CUT OFF CONTACT.

This is the last resort. Sometimes for your own health and happiness, you need to make difficult decisions regarding who you choose to surround yourself with. In the end, if you continue to suffer, the best option may be to simply cut ties and move on.

11. MEDITATE

Sometimes meditation really can solve this issue. Give yourself some time to break away from the chaos and recenter yourself. It works wonders for keeping negative energy and stress away!

12. STOP TRYING TO FIT IN

When you shrink yourself to fit into a group you are allowing yourself to be walked on. You never need to be less than what you truly are for sake of being accepted.

13. STOP TALKING TO PEOPLE THAT TALK AT YOU INSTEAD OF TO YOU

People who leave you feeling drained after phone calls or in person visits should not be apart of your life.

14. STOP LETTING PEOPLE MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT LIVING UP TO THEIR EXPECTATIONS

JUST BE YOURSELF, YOU ARE ENOUGH!

15. STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER YOU

Doing the things other people want you to, even when you don’t want to is not right. You should never let people manipulate you into doing things for the wrong reasons.

16. STOP HAVING MEANINGLESS SEX

You should be sleeping with someone who loves you as you do them, not someone who you know is using you. Meaningful sex is the best sex.

17. STOP STAYING IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE THEY ARE FAMILIAR

18. STOP STAYING IN ABUSIVE SITUATIONS

Remember that in all of this you could also be stealing someone’s energy to combat the loss of your own.

If you want to make sure you are not stealing the energy of others maintain a good sense of self-love and do not let your inner strength die off.

You are Worthy... You are Enough

Much love to all... go in peace my beautiful friends 💕💕💕

Protect your energy!

#empath #energy #vampire #energy vampire #protect #meditation

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vermintube · 5 years

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🖊 val!!

OH HELL YEAH

ok so im gonna go ahead and uhh warn in advance

vals backstory / ongoing story is mainly consistent of psychological horror / horror in general so there will be references to gore / violence in here but ill try to keep it concise

that being said this is pretty long so ill put it under the cut!

so basically hes a very weird guy like he used to be very anxious and painfully bad with others because of the fear of being judged/harmed/etc and a looming paranoia that he’s always had, hes very neurotic and hard to understand most of the time because of this

ever since he lost his eye, hes .. not been like that. its like it changed smth in him and now hes just angry / has a super big head about himself because (spoiler for the beginning of his story but) he killed the person who took out his eye because they were trying to kill him as well, and ever since then he realized hes not as wimpy as he thought he was

not much more i can say w/o spoiling but that sort of is what kicks off his entire story

hes friends with cain and cain can testify that hes not .. AS weird and high-energy/high-maintenance when they’re just chilling but if val starts freaking out its hard to deal with, but other than that hes just kind of there

he has a really weird view on himself because of his father being a demon , he’s an obligate carnivore because of that (his father consumed only souls & other people) so val could very well die if he stopped consuming any sort of meat at all (including shitty meat like taco bell meat or whatever it can be anything as long as its meat)

that being said; he’s really, really hard to kill. hes not immortal like his father was considering that his mother was just a regular jackal, but he is very hard to kill like anything that would normally kill someone else takes way more effort to kill him. the only surefire way is fire.

[ tw for skin disorders / etc stuff like that ] and the reason he has bandages on his ARMS (not his legs) is because he chews up the fur/skin out of anxiety/nerves a lot i kind of based it on my own past with dermatophagia dialed up to the extreme as well as overgrooming behavior in canines , and the bandages on his ankle covers up where he scratches at it - hes usually not seen without them becuase hes self conscious hence why i made them non-optional

and when it comes to the mask ive given him as of late, well

theres nothing PHYSICALLY wrong with his face, aside from his big and kind of fucked up teeth and his weird tongue which isnt really even the majority of what he hates, he just strongly dislikes the lower half of his face and he also feels that wearing a mask kind of ‘takes away’ any identity he has, he doesn’t want people to connect with him upon first glance, it makes him very uncomfortable to know that people Know him so he takes steps to prevent that feeling

also the ‘goat leg’ version that i draw him sometimes isnt canonical its just how he ‘views’ himself if it makes sense

also when it comes to weapons: he literally only ever uses a god damn crowbar or a bat thats it like he CAN use anything but he prefers melee weapons

a lot of parts of his design are symbolic since he did start out being my fursona (he still is hes just not ENTIRELY based off of me anymore hes got his own story and personality going on as well so i guess hes more of a mascot but im still really attached to him in a personal way)

also for some random facts bc why not

> he usually bites his claws down to stubs but he paints them black to try to deter that. it doesnt work

> he likes wearing tank tops a lot as u can probably tell by how i draw him

> he almost always has something covering the stitches on his neck bc they come from a really bad time he had and he doesnt want to get questions about it

> same with his bandages but if you ask about him he’ll just like. idk turn you into soup or something he gets annoyed really badly if ppl ask him about that. its the rudest thing u can ask him

> his tongue stitches are purely cosmetic he doesnt even know why he got them bc it was a gross experience anyway

> his tail is super long

> hes almost always on a blasphemous amount of caffeine he has caffeine pills in his bag at any given time along with allergy pills

> his entire body is always sore because hes really fatigued and he goes apeshit a lot so thats gonna take a toll

> “I CANNT FUCKJIGNBG G DO THIS IM SO FUCKING ANGRY” [ 5 minutes later ] “i am a new man”

> he will punch someone into mash potato at a moments notice but he will never hurt an animal and if he sees someone about to hurt like a little cat or dog or something he will beat them to a pulp

> I HAVE A PLAYLIST FOR HIM HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> he really likes swimming but he hates being in any state of undress around others so catch him getting into the pool with skinny jeans and combat boots on fuck it

> dont… touch him unless he says its ok. hes like insanely jumpy and it makes him tense up to the point of hurting its just like dude get ur paws off me ill pee on you and die …

> that being said hes also immensely touchstarved he wants a hug but only from the 3.5 people he already knows :/

#THANKS FOR ASKING I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS DUMB FURRY #val #karamatsu-boy

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psychweeb · 5 years

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Watamote Analysis Pt.2: More Than SAD?

Alright, so a quick overview: in my last post regarding Watamote (Watamote: An Intriguing Perspective On Social Anxiety), I discussed how many of the situations in Watamote, as well as the traits of the protagonist Tomoko Kuroki, indicate that she is suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. This is a disorder that is characterized by extreme avoidance of social situations and people, to the extent where it is also considered “social phobia”. If you want to understand this concept more in depth, you can read my previous post, and there are many online resources that can provide more info- I recommend https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder as a great starting point, where I found many of the statistics and verified the information used in my last post.

Anyways, in this post, we will be continuing from where we left off. At the end of the last post, I acknowledged that while SAD seems to be the most plausible diagnosis for Tomoko, some other sources and discussions I came across online while researching suggested that she could be suffering from ASPD (anti-social personality disorder) or BPD (borderline personality disorder), either alongside SAD or alone. Both are widely associated with psychopathy and sociopathy, respectively. To begin, let’s first distinguish the differences and similarities between both. I will add that much of the information on these I’ve gathered is from notes from my abnormal psychology class, so I do genuinely believe it’s reliable- the rest will be in the list of sources.

Anti-social personality disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-5), can only be diagnosed after the age of 18- However, signs of it may emerge from around the age of 15 (defined as conduct disorder). Therefore, while she may have some traits of an ASPD affliction, it is already unlikely that Tomoko canonically suffers from this. Even though her age is never directly stated in the anime, she attends high school, implying she’s a teenager. Regardless, for the sake of the article, we’ll discuss some of the characteristics that classify it as its own diagnosis:

- Many behaviours of an individual with ASPD notably indicate a great focus on oneself, regardless of morals or ethical implications. Since they exclusively focus on themselves and personal gain, others are no more than pawns to use and aid them in their own pursuits. True intimate relationships are usually nonexistent due to issues with empathy and a general carelessness for others’ feelings. It is worth noting that, while all psychopaths are narcissists, not all narcissistic individuals exhibit behaviours of a psychopath.

- Generally, they are manipulative liars, which ties into the above statement that they view others as “pawns”. They use their charm and wit, which they normally learn through observation of others, to convince others of their trustworthiness and integrate into society.

- Normally, lack of remorse and impulsivity lead to criminal activity in these individuals. Irresponsibility and failure to learn from their mistakes is also commonplace.

BPD, on the other hand, does not have an age requirement to warrant diagnosis. It has been argued that, while Psychopathy/ASPD is within you from birth, despite the 18 or older diagnosis rule, Sociopathy/BPD is developed during one’s life. Some symptoms of it include:

- Fears of abandonment or rejection. May push the individual to threaten self-harm or suicide.

- Unstable opinions of people and self-image or identity, such as shifting values and thoughts on others (which can intensify the above fears). Moods are also unstable in these individuals, and they often experience intense mood swings.

- Paranoia caused by stress and losing touch with reality.

- Impulsivity, recklessness and irresponsibility (one symptom BPD shares with ASPD).

So, does Tomoko fit the bill for either of these?

I mentioned that narcissists and individuals with ASPD share similar self-centered behaviours. Tomoko does focus on herself, and appears to search for pity and validation among her peers, which narcissists tend to do. One instance that is frequently referred to to justify this argument is the scene in which she claims she has been “raped” to Yu, after hearing other girls in her class have been molested and feels left out. It can be interpreted as a way to exploit Yu’s friendship and get concern and pity from her- I, personally, just see it as another manifestation of her desire to fit in and be like her other peers. It is worth mentioning that, either way you interpret the objective of these questionable actions of her’s- whether fishing for pity or attempting to fit in, both would be indicative of ASPD. It’s a form of manipulative lying, as even if it doesn’t blatatly have any benefits for her, it provides her with some emotional gratification, either through a feeling of belonging or by offering the pity and concern she yearns for.

And that leads to another aspect of Tomoko’s personality worth contemplating-despite her undeniable disdain of her peers, she desires to be like them. I believe that a large part of this disdain towards other girls is actually jealousy, whether she realizes it or not. She attempts to be like them on multiple occasions, and fantasizes about being pretty and popular (although in her mind, this means being a “bitch”, solidifying her grudge/jealousy against other girls). In fact, a small part of her even seems to consider Yu a “bitch”.

While being arrogant doesn’t always indicate ASPD, it is certainly a symptom, on account of the fact that it heavily ties into narcissism. Again, narcissism doesn’t automatically mean psychopathy- but in this case, it seems it would tie into something greater, since she actively lied and used her closest friend to feed her narcissism.

This arrogance may be a coping mechanism of sorts, a way to help her accept that she is not like them (”who would want to be a basic bitch?”), but her constant cognitive dissonance and changing opinions are indicative of BPD. As I mentioned above, instability in feelings towards people and situations is one of the . Some days, she hates the girls around her, other days she wants to be them. With Yu, Even though she’s a “bitch” like the rest of them, she appears to admire her beauty and popularity (ironically the key things that make her a “bitch”), and sometimes it’s even hinted at throughout the series that she has a crush on her.

*Side note: grabbing her butt is a very impulsive and reckless thing to do, as she isn’t considering Yu’s reaction or the consequences it may have of their friendship.

Finally, Tomoko demonstrates the paranoia characteristic that is typically associated with BPD. Much of her stress and social anxiety is likely caused by SAD, but this stress undeniably worsens her paranoia. Consequently, she will lose touch with reality as the fear overtakes her- after all, even neurotypical people can drift off and begin to think up ludicrous situations when they’re extremely stressed. This losing touch with reality is VERY different from fantasizing, though, which she does often as well- daydreaming is not necessarily losing touch with reality. For instance, she sometimes daydreams that she has the looks of a sexy centerfold- but will eventually break out of this fantasy and realize she is herself again. Meanwhile, when in a state of panic, it is difficult for her to rationalize and think about the situation, more-so than for most people. In the infamous train scene - which is what leads to her “confessing” to Yu that she had been raped- she fears that she is being molested on the train when she feels something long and hard poking underneath her skirt. She nearly goes into hysterics. Even if she doesn’t blatantly show her fear until the end of the predicament, her internal monologue reveals her utter horror throughout her train ride.

In reality, in just ended up being a schoolgirl’s stick (I’m unsure if it was a broomstick or what, honestly, but it was a long stick). Not a molester. In her defense, she doesn’t know what a penis feels like, but anyone in this situation probably would have been able to reason their way to the conclusion that it wasn’t. Tomoko jumps from conclusion to conclusion, letting her unrealistic thoughts feed her paranoia and fear.

In conclusion, I certainly think Tomoko suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder- there is no doubt in my mind about that. However, after doing some extensive research, I think it’s also plausible that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. While no trauma or particular cause of the emergence of BPD is shown in the anime, there is a flashback of her as a child in one episode, where she seems like a normal, pleasant child, which leads me to believe the wasn’t always like this. ASPD is not only something you inherently possess, but it seems a little extreme for Tomoko- I feel like she would feel guilt if she were to seriously hurt someone, or at least worry about the consequences afterward (even if her impulsivity prevented her from thinking about this beforehand). Her ever changing internal monologues regarding the things around her, as well as frequently becoming paranoid and losing touch with reality (which I think is worsened by her SAD) are all indicative of BPD. So, yes, I agree that she suffers from SAD and BPD- but not ASPD.

Sources:

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-diagnostic-and-statistical-manual-dsm-2795758- A resource I added for those who are unsure what the DSM is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dv8zJiggBs- A helpful video to distinguish between Narcissism, Sociopathy, and Psychopathy with Dr.Ramani Durvasula.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antisocial_personality_disorder Extensive notes on ASPD, good for anyone who wants to do further reading.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237 Extensive notes on BPD, for anyone who wants to do further reading.

My class notes from Psychology and Abnormal Psychology classes, which I have used to validate the info found in the above sources (with the exception of the DSM 5 definition and the youtube video).

* Cognitive Dissonance: In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. This discomfort is triggered by a situation in which a person’s belief clashes with new evidence perceived by the person. (Definition copied from Wikipedia.com).

#watamote #watashi ga motenai no wa dou kangaete mo omaera ga warui!#yu naruse #tomoko kuroki #tomoko #anime #psychology #analysis #mental illness #borderline personality disorder #bpd #aspd #anti social personality disorder #psychopathy #sociopathy #social anxiety #social anxiety disorder #anxiety #stress

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wheezingwhippet · 5 years

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Broken people and broken animals

I apologize in advance for the length of this blog. It’s a long one, but one that I felt needed to be written down. I decided I would share it.

Broken people and broken animals

It’s not often that I accept something positive about myself. The past few weeks, however, have taught me a few important lessons about myself and the gift I possess.

Let me start by sharing a little bit about myself. I am bipolar manic-depressive. It doesn’t define who I am, but it is a very real piece of me that is constantly impacting my life. I was diagnosed with bipolar II as well as generalized anxiety disorder in 2015. My first major depressive episode occurred earlier that year. I had never experienced true depression before that time. It was a terrifying time in my life. I felt hopeless, desperate, alone, and some days completely apathetic. I shut myself out from the rest of the world. It didn’t matter to me if I was alive or dead. I made a suicide attempt and luckily made it through. The panic attacks and extreme paranoia, followed by days of apathy, lethargy, and severe depression eventually turned to periods of mixed states and hypomania. I would become extremely agitated, frustrated, and depressed; at the same time, I would be energetic and restless with mounting anxiety.

Eventually, the feelings and loss of myself during this time led me to seek help. I started therapy and medications. There were highs and lows through it all, but after a few months of trials I became stable. I started to regain my confidence and the sense of who I was once more. Life was improving. However, like many other bipolar folks, I ended up tapering out of my medications. I would forget to refill or take my pills for a few days, and feeling better at the time would just leave it at that. When life would start to spiral out of control, or when I found I was affecting those I cared about by my mental status and actions, I would start medications again. The cycle continued over the past 3 years.

Most recently, I discontinued my medications after experiencing new side effects from a change in manufacturer of the drug. I needed to speak with my physician, but life got in the way. I had started working multiple jobs to keep up with the financial mess that was becoming my life. My massive student debt, piled on top of the high cost of living and met by low paying jobs, quickly sent me spiraling into my second major depressive episode. I cannot count the number of times I had broken down, feeling hopeless and completely lost. I am ashamed of my actions and the way I took it out on some of the people I cared most about. There was never a time I had felt as alone as I had throughout this year. Seventy to eighty hour work weeks were absolutely draining me, and all of it was for money that I was simply losing each month. For multiple months I had to seek additional financial help even on top of what I was doing. The stress of my work was an additional burden that was sometimes too much to bear (I work in the field of veterinary medicine).

I could no longer feel happiness. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I could sense my “old self” trapped somewhere far away, calling out to be heard. But it was so deep and so buried away, hidden behind a cloud that was unreachable. I wasn’t myself. I began to feel suicidal once more. For many days I would experience apathy and a desire to disappear passively. I desperately hoped that some natural accident would occur so that I could leave this world. I couldn’t find an escape to it all. I wanted so bad to feel better, but couldn’t find the strength to change. I lost those I cared about most in my life due to my own negligence and actions. I stopped eating as my appetite was non-existent. I lost nearly 20 pounds over the course of a few months. Eventually, I made further suicide attempts on more than one occasion.

Finally, I reached out for help once more. I found an incredible, caring doctor that got me restarted on my medications. I am working daily to improve my life and well-being. Today, I am far from healed, but I am on my way.

I am a very broken human being. I always have been, and although I can put some of the pieces back together again, I will always have cracks and scars. This is something I can accept. I will never be perfect and I won’t always be understood, but that is okay.

These past few weeks have undoubtedly been some of the most difficult in my life. However, I had some unexpected, insightful experiences that bring me to the true point of this journal topic. My job includes working with some very difficult animals some days. There is one in particular named Juniper. Juniper is a young Boxer-mix dog. She came to her owner as a rescue and it was quickly noted that she had fear and anxiety in certain situations. The veterinary office happened to be one of those situations. The doctor and I worked repeatedly with this dog for weeks as she needed multiple vaccines and tests that Juniper simply would not allow. She would lunge, bite, and try to murder you for even looking in her direction with the thought process of poking her with a needle. Her fear and anxiety, regardless of our attempts to make the situation as stress-free as possible, escalated to the point where she would no longer allow any part of her to be touched.

On her most recent visit with us, Juniper tried to bite multiple times and could not be treated at all. Our doctor and the owner came to the decision that this was not good for her and that her anxiety was too much. The owner elected to discontinue the attempts to work with Juniper on her anxiety further, as the owner herself was developing greater stress over the situation. But I experienced something different with Juniper on that day. When I first entered the room, Juniper, strangely enough, decided to greet me and allow me to pet her. I could not touch that dog previous to that day. As I finished taking my history, Juniper gave me a look before promptly sidling up to me and pressed herself against me. She sat and leaned into me until I reached down to pet her. She continued to push on me, encouraging me to sit with her and offer her love.

Let me repeat: I could not touch that dog previous to that day. Not once in the multiple times we had seen her could I touch her.

Juniper continued this throughout the exam. Over and over, she kept coming up to me giving me this soft, understanding look and asking for my attention. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Even after she tried to murder us for attempting to give her a vaccine, she went right back to pressing up against me, begging for me to give her attention. Before she and her owner left, I went out to say goodbye and was greeted once more by Juniper who then hesitated to leave me. The experience was very emotional.

Today, I found myself with another highly anxious, fearful dog. He had come a long ways in his training, but could still become reactive and was very sensitive. I was charged with getting his history and recording his vitals. As I walked in the room, I could immediately sense what he needed. His expressions, his attitude, his eyes all told me what he was thinking, how he would act, and what he needed most from me to be comfortable and trusting. I respected those things. I gave him his space, let him investigate, and offered him the chance to communicate with me. I could see in his eyes that he could understand me and that I could understand him. He allowed me to work with him after just a few short minutes, letting me know that I could be trusted.

I didn’t think as much of that experience until I was about to leave and the doctor called me into her office. The owner, she informed me, told her today that she was very impressed by my attitude and how I worked with Hunter. She was extremely happy with how I communicated with her dog. This owner, the doctor continued, has been working with us for years and doesn’t normally say things like that. That was quite a compliment and I should be proud.

Pride wasn’t exactly the emotion I got, but rather I was grateful and appreciative. These were not the only two experiences I have had, but two of the greater ones. I realized that I have a gift with animals who might not always be well-understood. The language, the feelings, and the experiences are shared between us. I think not only do I have a natural understanding of them, but that they too have a sense of understanding for me. Some animals seem to know when you are lost or feeling down. Some animals will step up to guide you as they know you would guide them. Those that are broken seem to have some of the most understanding and compassion to give back. I believe Juniper could sense my depression that day. I believe she could sense that I was lost in this world at that time. I believe she understood that I meant her no harm, and that I could be trusted and in that moment needed a little guidance or reassurance. As for Hunter, I think that he knew we were one in the same. He recognized that I could understand him. He trusted me, a complete stranger, when he normally doesn’t.

The relationship between humans and animals is a very powerful one. Humans and animals have the incredible ability to heal one another more than many therapies can offer. All of my animals are misfits, each one unique and maybe a little broken. But they have helped me heal more times than I could count. I get each and every one of them. I have helped them just as much, where others would have or had already given up on them. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to recognize this ability and to use it to better not only the lives of other broken creatures, but to better myself as well.

We can all learn a lot from broken animals. We just have to take the time to appreciate and understand them so that we can also understand ourselves. After all, many of us are broken, too.

#bipolar #love #animals #dogs #life #life lessons #mental health #mental disorder #positivethinking #depression

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infinitescularchive · 6 years

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i want to talk for a few minutes about NICK MILLER.

i’ve been rewatching new girl and my muse for him has been rising as always because he is honestly my spirit animal, but i’m also trying to dig a little deeper into his character and i want to point out that nick miller is definitely a damaged person? the series alludes to it several times but doesn’t address it directly too often (unless it’s in the 7th season which i have not seen yet so disclaimer on that for the rest of this post. also this is MY interpretation of his character and how he is presented in canon with combinations of my own headcanons. )

i firmly believe that nick miller has some form of depression. just looking at a list of depression symptoms he displays many of them: trouble remembering details / making decisions, feelings of worthlessness, pessimism, irritability, lethargy, and persistent sadness / anxiety / emptiness.

1. nick miller is terrible at making decisions, remembering details, and just taking care of himself in general?? i mean, his friends have to feed him vitamins and they put money in his clothes and he doesn’t even realize that it isn’t his. he protests constantly that he doesn’t need people taking care of him and protecting his independence, but honestly without his friends he would probably not survive. he’s physically and mentally incapable of taking care of himself.

2. feelings of worthlessness? nick miller central. he has extreme body issues, which i first really recognized as something crucial to his character when rewatching episode 1.04. all it took was a couple of comments from schmidt and jess and he had to go into his room and evaluate his body in a mirror. then jess’ startled noise pushed him right over the edge into not being able to show his body to a girl he was very attracted to. he has also demonstrated feelings of worthlessness directed towards himself as a person on multiple occasions. i remember at least twice off the top of my head when he questioned why any girl would want to be with him, even going so far as to talk about how he is the guy girls use time to kill with before finding their husbands. he DOES NOT see his self worth, and i feel this is well established in canon.

3. pessmism. nick miller is very pessimistic. i feel all the evidence i really need for this statement is from 1.12 when jess says “you always see the worst in people!” and he responds with “because people are the worst!” nick comes to expect the worst to happen to him, even with no evidence that it will.

4. irritability? nick has rage issues. they devote entire episodes to the fact that nick has anger issues. he chalks this up to his father and their insane relationship, but it runs very deeply through him. he gets angry far too easily, and even demonstrates fair amounts of paranoia throughout the series, though usually in connection with the government. apparently rage and irritability issues are common symptoms of depression especially in men, and i think that really points hard toward nick’s mental illness.

5. nick is a very lethargic person. part of this may be his personality, but he demonstrates extreme lethargic tendencies. given the option, he will lay on the couch for days. he refuses to clean up after himself or take care of himself, as we already discussed. he likes to spend time alone as well, particularly when he is tired. he’s a significant homebody. while not necessarily caused by depression, i feel mental illness really pushes him further into isolation and laziness because he can’t cope. ( hence why he keeps a box in his closet full of things he feels he’s not mentally equipped to deal with at the time he puts them in there. )

6. persistent sadness / anxiety / emptiness. i talked a fair bit about his pessimism, body issues, worthlessness, etc, so i’m going to focus on his anxiety here. he demonstrates a lot of anxious tendencies, and i first confronted the idea of his possessing an anxiety disorder when rewatching 1.01. when coach and schmidt push him too hard, he feels the need to hide in his hood to avoid confrontation and making a decision. when locked on the porch in 1.09 with jess and paul, he demonstrates severe anxiety trying to get away from their confrontation, including banging on the windows to try and get someone’s attention. nick is a notoriously bad liar, famous for sweating in the extreme when confronted with having to lie. this is likely related to the high amounts of high anxiety he feels when he has to lie to someone. most importantly for me would be in 2.15 where jess tries to pressure nick into kissing her and he has, what i headcanon as, a full blown panic attack. he climbs out of the window, sidles across an extremely narrow ledge and nearly falls to his death just to avoid a situation that is giving him extreme anxiety.

conclusions: nick definitely has some mental illnesses. most prominently would be some form of depression, but he also has body issues, rage problems, and an anxiety disorder. many of these observations are based on season 1 and 2 observations as that is where i am in my rewatch, but i feel they still hold true for his character and i will incorporate them into my portrayal of his character.

disclaimer: i do feel that nick gets a lot better mental health wise throughout the seasons, and i’m excited to finally watch season seven and see how his character ends up. nick really starts from the bottom in season 1 because he’s reeling from a loss of a relationship that, though EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY TOXIC, he had come to completely rely on as nick and caroline were dating since nick was in college. then jess came along. the influence of jess’ positivity and support on his mental health can’t be denied, and he does become much healthier throughout the series.

i’m also open to lots of questions about nick & his mental health!

#[ this post got extremely long and really delved into some heavy topics wow ]#[ but it's important to my portrayal of nick so ]#;headcanon ( nick: these floors are talkative. )#body issues tw #anxiety tw #depression tw #mental illness tw #toxic relationship tw #[ that should cover it? ]#[ the last one is only briefly mentioned bc of caroline ]#[ i'll probably go into deeper another day ]

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sayonaralullaby-a · 6 years

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Finally, am I done giving my full thoughts on/venting my own experiences in 2017. Warning for child abuse, brief mention of/implied suicide, and homophobia.

Shoving the honest and blunt thought of how 2017 as numbers means nothing to me ( if you can get what I'm saying ) aside, looking at my chapter overall of this soon to be ending year, as I said before, it could've been better.

During the beginning of 2017 was when I had to deal with the loss of my very close friend as he left me even after everything I had done to give him the love and support he needed. Sure, the loss was mostly my fault; I snapped at him because of my paranoia and anxiety was running so high as I thought he was mad at me for dropping our long-term love plots for our OCs when I wanted to focus on my education more than roleplaying, but I still wish we could've actually talk and settle things right to each other, but if he wished to not do so and instead leave me and the things we had done together behind as he doesn't want forgive me, that's okay. People come and go, and what I did was a complete shitty as I should've known better so I don't blame him for leaving me. I just hope he's doing okay today and may 2018 and beyond treat him well. I know he had gone through so much and probably still does in the present, especially when Tr.mp was elected, even if it hurts a lot knowing I lost him in the end, I'm just glad that before we never talk to each other again, I managed to do for him what I always wanted to do all the time. To give the love and support when he needed them the most.

Meanwhile until September, I also have to deal with my so called friend at my school. He's narcissistic, unwilling to express much care, once threatened my other friend he would blackmail him, pretty much my mom 2.0 as in manipulative and an asshole. Again, I'm fine with him now, but during those months were so fucking shitty, and the fact I didn't feel like school could be like a tiny home to me with my friends, mainly Casey, while my apartment is fucking shit when my abusive and toxic mom is around, which is like 99.5% she is, was so depressing because there were no where else I could go besides internet with my online friends that would make me feel just a bit at least that I am still alive and real. Still does it blew my mind I had a 100% on my math test as I'm fucking terrible at math, but too bad I couldn't be proud of myself when that day was horrible having to deal with that fucker.

During the spring break on March, that was when I had a girlfriend. If I can actually tell it is supposed to be had instead of have. She was intelligent, funny, and just a wonder to be with. We reunited after we both left the roleplay site forum when it got revamped and haven't seen each other for months until that day we met again on Tumblr. She started saying how she should take me away and live with her somewhere far. How we should be together as a couple. I took her sayings as to date, and we did. Until in the middle of August, we lost touch as I realized she's not as friendly as I thought. I shouldn't be surprised, knowing her personality, but I just believed. Like a fool. To hear from my other friend how she was talking shit behind her back and lying about her when she couldn't be able to tell what holds behind her texts. My ex-girlfriend’s words and actions are just as worse as a stranger doing it, especially knowing how hers along with many others made my friend feel horrible and ashamed of herself to the point she wanted to give up. Even if she did it to someone who I’m just a stranger to, I do not ever accept that sort of attitude and mindset from anyone who does that, unless the person who are being treated that way had done or said way worse than not being able to tell how their texts were worded rudely or sarcastically when it wasn't intended to. Either you shut the fuck up or talk and behave civilly. It's so simple.

The problem I had with her ( anyway - if it weren't for her turning out to be a disgusting asshole ) was the lack of interactions, mainly from me. Both in reality and on the internet, I'm... not that great at socializing. So the fact her and I just drifted off to each other without saying any goodbyes or anything at all in the end doesn't really surprise me. Again, as I said earlier, people come and go, and I know with the friends I have today, they would all go, and I always tell every single one of them I love them because even if it hurts so much, I will never know when they would, so it's just best for me to remind them I love them. And I love them. And I want them to know even if them and I don't end up keeping in touch anymore, I love them so so much. I say this many times but I'm horrible at interacting and I never will. I'm not interesting as I don't get into many tv series, books, films, whatever. I get distracted easily, I don't have much time getting into them, and I'm so wary of the actors, actresses, writers, etc because nowadays, some of them would turn out to be completely way different as in disgusting and horrible than how they usually act towards their fans and such ( such as M.lanie M.rtinez and N.ck R.binson from Polygon who turned out to be garbage this year ). I shouldn't spend part of my life looking up to and even take my time and effort into making my content for what or who is actually full of shit. Fuck them. Even if I am into few things at least, I rarely talk to people about it unless they prompted me to, though eventually I don't continue it because I don't know how to. So if you talk to me, don't be surprised I don't often reply back when either I don't know how to continue the conversation or I'm overwhelmed at the thoughts of annoying you or whatever along the line. It’s very exhausting to talk to me, so really, I don't blame anyone even my close friends and partners who drifts away from me. But if you really want to be my friend, I advice you to keep talking to me, keep throwing topics at me, anything that would make it easy for you, even if I don't end up carrying it, just do it.

I think the absolute worse part of 2017 was when I believe on April when I got my journal book to do my journal stuff, I drew Casey as his favourite animal, and I drew a pin on him that said “I’m gay”. My mom saw, and she got extremely mad at me, telling me “being gay isn't something to be proud of,” and she kept shoving questions down in my throat if he was trans as she was also transphobic and I had to lie to her, replying that he's a new friend of mine while [ his dead name ] left the school. I apologized many times and thankfully I was forgiven, but I felt extremely shitty saying his dead name and to be honest, I still do. I should've done better but I just panicked and that was the first thing that came to mind. Then that was when my mom started to actually ignore me and for the first time she actually neglected me, she didn't give me my dinner as I have to get it myself, and she was mad at me for almost a week, which that's the longest time she was so at me. When I got my dinner after realizing she didn't give me any food, she asked me why as she thought I would stay in my room. At that time, I become completely careless and emotionless, just eating my food as she just ranted her toxic and abusive ass at me. Throughout the entire time while I was eating, she was trying to gaslight me and guilt-trip me. All I can remember her saying was how she knew one day I will leave her behind. That when I was born, she can already tell by the look of me that that I would end up leaving her behind and become a disgrace. That I would turn out to be horrible. I knew she was trying to make me feel guilty, but having a fear of turning out to be rude and violent already, that still didn't help me become more anxious and afraid of myself as just that small part of me feel like that would happen. That was when I tried to plan running away from home. At least live with Casey. But after a week of thinking about it, I realized how completely difficult and different my life would be if I did run away from home, and it's not that easy doing that like I see in movies, video games and whatnot, plus I can't just leave my two brothers behind, so I dropped the plans. Obviously, I deal with her every single day, so I shouldn't be bothered listing everything else that she did to me, but that was the absolute worse one I got from her in 2017.

2017 was definitely the year I've honestly dealt with a lot of intrusive and suicidal thoughts and had used self-deprecation humor so many times, more than I had in any other years, as I can only assume my depression was getting worse as months went by. Also my emotions? They are in no doubt messy and exhausting to deal with this year as people would see me happy then five minutes later I'm sad and is ready to embrace death then five minute later, here I am being happy again. I like to think that when I'm dealing with some dumb sad shit and/or dealing with something bad that happened to me it's easy for me to get out of them as long as I have something to distract me and keep me calm? I don't know, but I guess it's good knowing that I don't often get stuck into the mud for weeks at least. But yeah. Bless this mess.

Despite all of that, during the last August was when I got into Brooklyn Nine Nine and Sugar Pine 7, as September was when I got into Buzzfeed Unsolved. They were the very few best things that I had done in that year as I don't regret getting into them at all. They bring me so much joy and inspiration. Also the people in the community of Buzzfeed Unsolved who does graphic/video edits and artworks are the ones who actually pushed me into doing graphic edits as a hobby with a massive amount of inspiration. I made so many friends in that community and they all make me feel so loved and respected everyday as it's always a joy to see them on my dashboard. To know how it feels to be so alive and most importantly happy at the end of the year from September to December is a fucking blessing, and just, to the friends I made from few months ago through Buzzfeed Unsolved along with Casey, Cy, and Ella, thank you all so so much. 2017 could've been better to me, yes, but you guys making my 2017 at least a bit more brighter and kind to me in the end is what makes it all up for it, and I can't ever be grateful enough for it.

Thank you.

#I'll make my appreciation/shoutout post eventually as this really took the toll outta me #fucking damn #( Cae speaking )

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antojai · 6 years

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What is Antojai energy healing?

Antojai, and the cravings of life

Reiki & Antojai.

Universal life energy & the Craving energies of life.

It's pretty powerful stuff.

Speed mini-lesson:

The conscious and subconscious are similar to the master drives running your computer. Your brain & mind would be the actual interface you normally would interact with.

Similarly, You can go within the subconscious like you would a terminal to delete, rewrite, and retrieve individual files.

The subconscious is an active realm similar to a ever-changing labyrinth. It is constantly aware of itself, its surroundings, and the conscious.

If has the ability to change to protect itself if needed.

When you dive into the subconscious, this labyrinth program 99.8% of the time will represent itself as you, a version of you. It has the ability to change from a conscious interactive mode to a environmental superconscious mode (the labyrinth). The labyrinth is only present when the subconscious-you feels threatened. It takes this form so that whoever is within the subconscious, cannot access vital files your subconscious believes to be necessary for it's existence. It’s not impossible to access, navigate, or manipulate your subconscious. You just need to know the master rules and codes to stay ahead of the game when dealing with it.

Those codes & rules are Antojai, ascended energy healing. It transcends space, time, existence, light, love, the physical, and the metaphysical all at once… or individually.

Research:

In 2016, I discovered and developed the next stage of energy medicine. I ran experiments after having discovered Antojai, and I directly compared this energy medicine to the last discovered energy healing method, Reiki.

For the last two years, I’ve run experiments on men, women (one of them pregnant), children, plants, and animals; and dealt with cases such as extreme depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, paranoia, ADHD, PTSD, insomnia, physical pains, fibromyalgia, kidney stones, disassociated personality disorder, and subconscious re-programming. More studies are coming as they finish. All have shown HUGE impacts on wellness. My studies have span over different time presets to fully view the range of Antojai. Both Reiki and Antojai can be practiced via distance healing, but Antojai still maintains the ability to add precision to any subject.

I practiced on subjects unaware of my experiments, and subjects informed about some details. In the end, my discovery of the impact of these healing energies on the human experience was motivating and rewarding. More on my studies as my handbook progresses.

So, here’s the run down on Antojai. Reiki is powerful, but it has a particular limit; it can't reach the deepest portions of the subconscious that perpetuates a negative state. Reiki will help the subconscious, but to a certain degree due to its generalization. In theory reiki heals from the outside in, where Antojai works from the inside out. With Antojai, you directly manipulate the subconscious mind, realms, and beyond. This is awesome for people...lets say that have a serious problem breaking a particular habit. Antojai literally begins to erase the “Glitched data” within the subconscious; and then leaves a free space to add something new, or you can rewrite the habit all together. With it you can pinpoint exact locations of problems not only in the subconscious, but each individual chakra gate. Antojai literally has a key access to the 12 chakra system. So lets say you realize during reiki that the source of the problem lies in the sacral chakra...you can change the frequency of healing to Antojai Sacral, you then manipulate that individual chakra manually for the better. By using Antojai, the Master uses kundalini, medical shamanism, and other master signatures. All which I can get into later as we go along. Reiki in a sense is part of the Antojai set, but Usui used individual symbols to target generalized concepts. The master signature of Antojai is Life, which is slightly different than the Usui layout of Universal life, but stronger in a completely different way. It’s like changing Reiki to only the master "Dai Ko Myo."

In order for someone to use Antojai, the sole requirement is shifting your reality. I personally did this through years of training in other realms, & intense induced transcendental meditations. These meditations were focused on releasing your mind from the concepts of reality. The concepts we are fooled into accepting as law. What does that mean? You need to transcend the concept of time, space, and the physical not like you would reiki. You have to make an internal shift of your definition of those concepts, and others not mentioned here.

Strong Reiki masters are needed because Antojai requires the ability to control, intake, and release high amounts of energy not usual for beta-human physiology. The akashic records indicate that Reiki is the first step to manipulation of other life frequencies. Then would come Antojai, and finally if you master both- you would become an Ascended Master that would be tasked with finding other life frequencies for whatever purpose the universe decides to task you. For instance, after Antojai I found the signature of Water, and by using it you can super shock the body into a high healing state by manipulating the water cells in the body to their purest state. Hence creating a domino effect on the cellular sanctity of the patient, etc.

Another reason why only select masters can use Antojai is because the records have a huge warning label: it's powerful. So much so that it will give you the ability to bend multiple factions of this reality. It has a fail safe to make sure those unworthy of its proper control never learn it. You may hear what I am saying, but the record will not let you comprehend. That's because only those of pure soul can be trusted with such knowledge. I’ve lived my lifestyle under the shamanic code since my childhood. The healer must accustom themselves to using these energies at will. You are essentially evolving as an energetic consciousness, and into a Theta wave physical state. If you are truly one with your control of Reiki, then you are already in a Alpha state. After evolving your metaphysical anatomy to Theta, you then will have the ability to access Delta at will. Theta and Delta waves are what grant my future Antojai Masters the ability to walk between, and within multiple dimensions at once.

You need to look at it as a energetic medical kit to understand the dynamics of Antojai. It has combination codes for all sorts of issues. For example, if you combine the talisman of Sight with the talisman of the Astral, you can instantly make a person see auras, etc. Where Reiki requires a general understanding of energy medicine, Antojai requires extensive knowledge of "energetic prescription codes."

Antojai & Reiki belong to the same set of healing frequencies. I would have never discovered Antojai without Mikao Usui, and his development of Reiki. The first step to human evolution.

The Oath Of Antojai:

Antojai will shift your reality for your better, but you are obligated by a universal contract to use it for the good of humanity BEFORE yourself.

You must never use these for ill-will, or you will lose the ability all together.

You must never teach another who you know can not be trusted to be responsible with such knowledge. There are no excuses to this particular rule because once you become a Master of Antojai, you have accepted your role as a guardian of the frequencies. You are guided by the Ascended, and that power is never wrong in judgment. You will always know who is worthy, and your only reason would be that you willingly opened a can of worms. This rule is not one to be taken lightly as you will have to atone for any chaos generated by any individual you do this with. You assume responsibility for their karma.

Let’s say you teach the worthy, and later they become unworthy; not your problem. This knowledge is to be used to evolve the human consciousness.

You can’t stop pursuing your authentic self, or you will lose it.

It is with your help that we can change perspectives on mental health, and the direction of our world. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for being the driving force behind change in todays hectic world. Share this with as many people as possible, please.

I am currently training High Energy Reiki Masters interested in the opportunity to learn Antojai. There are 7/10 spaces left for students. Message [email protected] to request a spot.

Master Antojai

Carrasquillo, A. (2017). Antojai Shamanic Wellness

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vasilinaorlova · 7 years

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ultima thule

speaking about hieroglyphic verse and ideographs, although they are under no obligation to make sense, it is great to encounter in them the euphony, the sonic bliss, transforming text into the polyphonic prose and restructuring the architectonics of the work. although the devices should not preclude us from getting the sense of what it is that is being said, like in the wonderful example from The Book of Forms by Lewis Putnam Turco:

“Synonymia is a paraphrase in parallel structures (“I love you; you are my beloved”); synthesis is consequence in parallel structures (“I love you; therefore, I am yours”); antithesis is the opposition of ideas (antinomy) expressed in parallel structures (“I love you, and I loathe you”); auxesis is the building up, in parallel structures, of a catalog or series that ultimately closes at the zenith (high point) of the set (the climax: “I love your eyes, hair, breasts; I love the way you walk and speak; I love you”). Epithomema is climactic summation at the conclusion of a sequence.” (Turco, 2012, 11) (emphases are the author’s, dotingly preserved, of course). I’d like to hear my streams read one day in their entirety (in which case everything that is written across one line should be pronounced simultaneously, maybe in one voice, maybe in different voices), but good declaimers are extremely rare. I once heard The Waste Land read in (I think it was The Waste Land but perhaps it was The Love Song) many voices; it was brutal. poetry cannot be read with theatrical intonations. I’ll leave the instructions to every possible turn of events concerning this text in the text itself. the universe rotates around the Earth in a fantastic flowery pattern. university is anxiety materialized. collective paranoia. so this emoticon had white gloves and whenever you signed out, it waved at you with its white little palm, a yellow round face flattened with a knowing smile. gloved gatekeeper ridiculous. little vacuole of vacuum Proust Faust autodidact augur under the auspices of suspicious Zeus I am fond of wearing corpses corsets who cares somersault: head over heels a soft leap of a spring– zving! the fish pomegranate has wondrous caviar: every bubble explodes on a biter’s teeth producing the most pleasant (albeit somewhat toooily) sensation ripe like a heavy mango: o, open palms and it falls. it has started a long travel of decay, acquired a black looong mark on its ready to burst side and I pity the mango, o, it is a lovely sight. it springs it sprouts a bulbous root cracks it gleams it has a beak the ultratulip ultima thule mad mercurial glint endure the durée of silence, a Durer of vinegar and wine, vengeance and parlance anagram a maze: the lion’s mane suppose he is: suppose she is: memoir grimoire grimmer primrose neoplatonic atheist. collecting the group names of animals for years, he learned that zebras form a zeal, whereas worms a clew (a gluey word), wolves a pack in general but route in moving; weasles form a gang, and whales, a mod; vultures form venues but while circling, kettle; turkeys, rafter; toads, knot; tigers, ambush; termites, brood, but ants, army–although termits and ants are equally apt to form colonies and nests–bacteria put together a culture, and albatrosses, rookery; baboons, troop; badgers, cete; barracudas, battery; bats, cloud; bloodhounds, sute; camels, flock; cats, pounce or clatter, and sometimes nuisance, but as kittens, they form kindle and litter. cheetahs make coalition, whereas coyots, band; crabs organized cast; deer, leash; dolphins, pod; ducks, team or paddling; foxes, skulk; giraffes, tower; goats, tribe; hedgehogs, array; kangaroos, herd; nightingales, watch; pekingese, pomp; porkupines, prickle; jackrabbits, husk, but young rabbits are called nest; salmon, run; sharks, shiver or school; snails in groups are known to bring into existence the escargatoire; and swans, bevy. school of angels. flock of demons. the university mail after the winter break suggests horseback riding classes. a postcard! what is this? who sent it? reveal yourself, mysterious stranger. misanthropology. I think Nigel Thrift introduced “misanthropy” into anthropological discourse, but we’ll likely hear more on it. something visceral. Jesus Christ is crucified on the clock hands. poetry is disappointingly vague, quite unlike technical manuals. oh those were your epistles! late realizations. he invented a new material. neither rubber, nor plastic, but something in between. this material was pretty much good for no one knew what. one could produce something like paper out of it, that is to say, relatively thin, even pieces. he demonstrated a powerpoint image with a paper airplane. “all kinds of things can be made.” only it was not a paper airplane but a new-material airplane. it was all the laboratory could come out with. I suggested, a book could be eventually made out of it. “yes,” he replied, “but the issue here is, we do not know yet how toxic this new material is exactly.” language is sea elements sea but not of water of fire I think someone (Limonov, I think) lost his manuscript in prison and restored it. Nadezhda Mandelstam restored her husband’s (Osip Mandelstam’s) poems out of memory. I think it’d be swell if she did not recollect them in fact but simply wrote them herself. I do not believe it was questioned though for the distinctiveness of his style, also his poems were rhymed, which did make it possible to memorize them. it takes a much shrewder memory to store unrhymed poetry. we do memorize impressions, not words. not bits of information but something that moved us. lost manuscripts trope. libraries set on fire. I am a Herostratus at heart. I’d burn a lot. make letters perish. I wrote on the need of preserving archives, I cannot fathom why. what a strange remark Tony Webster made when I visited him last time in his office! he said English words starting with a “z” were–what?–salty? salty? salty or yellow? I cannot now exactly remember. I only now am thinking about it. I saw professor today, and he informed me that words starting with “z“ are marked, as well as the words starting with “x,” in English (mark is something that makes something un-normal), just as in Navajo words containing “m” are strange–“m” is not amongst sounds you normally encounter. I remember Nabokov (reclining in a chair, in a canvas suit, and glasses in heart-shaped frames, famous Lolita sunglasses (I believe)) claimed that letters have different colors, and of that same opinion his wife Véra was–perhaps it was something common in perception of some group of the time (but for whom? Russian kids growing up in the upper middle class and higher class families?); however of course they had different colors for different letters. well, I don’t know if letters have colors, with the exception of “A,” which (like Derrida frames it, is “the first letter, if the alphabet, and most of the speculations which have ventured into it, are to be believed.” (Derrida, Différance, Margins, 3)) is in the perception of many, red. Malevich: font, color, form. Reference Turco, Lewis Putnam. The Book of Forms: A Handbook of Poetics Including Old and Invented Forms. University Press of New England, 2012.

#stream of consciousness #poetry #prose

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recentanimenews · 4 years

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Smoke and Mirrorshades: Cyberpunk Aesthetics in Anime

Jacking In

Ask a dozen people what they mean when they say “cyberpunk” and you'll likely get thirteen different answers. Some folks emphasize the “cyber” element, pointing to stories of keyboard cowboys hacking into the Matrix to wreak havoc among the servers of faceless multinational mega-corps, or stories of street samurai who augment their bodies with military-grade hardware, turning themselves into chromed-out hybrids more machine than man.

Other folks emphasize the “punk” part, pointing to tales of disenfranchised individuals engaging in petty acts of rebellion in the face of socio-economic structures so massive that they stretch beyond the Earth's atmosphere, crushing the entirety of humanity beneath their weight.

Still others (such as Cameron Kunzelman at VICE) argue that the themes of cyberpunk run no deeper than the aesthetic level. If you'll pardon the tortured simile, cyberpunk is like obscenity in the legal sense; everybody recognizes it when they see it, but no two people are guaranteed to agree on what it means to be "cyberpunk."

Gearing Up

By my definition, “cyberpunk” describes a period of science fiction literature that can be bounded by William Gibson's 1983 short story “Burning Chrome” on one end and by Neal Stephenson's 1992 novel Snow Crash on the other. There's also the 1974 pre-cyberpunk novella The Girl Who Was Plugged In by James Tiptree Jr. (the pen name of author Alice Sheldon) and numerous post-cyberpunk works, but the point of this post is not to offer an exhaustive explanation.

When I hear “cyberpunk”, I think of two phrases: “high tech, low life” and “the street finds its own use for things.” I think of the specific cocktail of economic anxiety, Orientalism, Cold War paranoia, expanding ecological disasters, and explosive, bewildering advances in computer and communications technology that made the world of the '80s and '90s feel like a smaller, faster, meaner, and more terrifying place.

Tuning Out

It's only natural that the Japanese take on cyberpunk offers a different perspective, one that is informed by a different array of cultural factors than those that birthed cyberpunk fiction in Europe and the United States. While the U.S. produced Blade Runner, Japan produced Tetsuo: The Iron Man. However, my concern here is the aesthetics of cyberpunk fiction and how they manifest in works of Japanese animation both popular and obscure.

When it comes to cyberpunk anime, I like to joke that it's all about the three 'M's: mohawks, motorcycles, and mono-filament wire, with the first being a visual shorthand for people who live on the edges of society, the second being semaphore for a rebellion against the status quo, and the third just looking really, really cool. But enough preamble. Let's dig a little deeper, with a look at the 900 pound cybernetic gorilla in the room.

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Signal to Noise

Ask fans of a certain age for an example of a cyberpunk anime, and one popular response will be Bubblegum Crisis, a series of original animation videos published from 1987-1991 with chief direction by Katsuhito Akiyama and animation production by Artmic and AIC. Renowned for its music and its often ludicrous violence, Bubblegum Crisis inspired numerous spin-offs (such as both the A.D. Police OAVs and TV series), sequels (Bubblegum Crash), and reboots (Bubblegum Crisis 2040).

But is Bubblegum Crisis cyberpunk? Kinda, but not really.

Bubblegum Crisis has rampaging robots (known as “Boomers”, ha ha) because Blade Runner had runaway replicants. It has a kick-ass soundtrack because Streets of Fire had the same. It has lesbian vampire gynoids on the moon because... well, why not? Bubblegum Crisis is a prime example of the paradox that is cyberpunk, because all of its cyberpunk elements—ruthless multinational corporations that are above the law, high-tech weaponry, punk fashion—are purely surface level. It's innovation through imitation. The street finds its own use for things.

A more pure example of cyberpunk anime from this time period is Cyber City Oedo 808, a 1990-1991 OAV series with direction by Yoshiaki Kawajiri and animation by MADHOUSE. Cyber City Oedo 808 has it all: career criminals forced to act as bounty hunters by explosive collars attached to their necks, malevolent AI, military conspiracies, laser-spewing cyborg saber-tooth tigers, space vampires—plus motorcycles, mohawks, and mono-filament wire. It's 110% style over substance, but it's also so cyberpunk that it hurts.

Other examples may offer a little bit of the “cyber” and/or a little bit of the “punk” elements, but the label doesn't always fit. For example, Megazone 23, a 1985-1989 OAV series that features the talents of such science fiction luminaries as Noboru Ishiguro and Shinji Aramaki, is almost cyberpunk. It plays with ideas of artificial intelligence, it proposes a paranoid worldview based on a massive government cover-up, and it also has motorcycles.

The 1993 Battle Angel OAVs (based on the Battle Angle Alita/GUNNM manga by Yukito Kishiro) lean heavily into trans-humanism and cybernetic body modification for both practical and aesthetic purposes, exploring what it means to be more human than human. It also has mohawks.

The various iterations of Appleseed (based on the manga by Masamune Shirow) have a bit of both "cyber" and "punk." Appleseed deals with issues of a class with the Bioroids being treated like second-class citizens and with economic disparity by exploring the massive difference between life inside cities such as Olympus and Poseidon compared with the rest of the world, which is ravaged by war. The 2004 theatrical anime film also has mono-filament wire.

But the ur-examples of Japanese cyberpunk anime—the works whose influence is as inescapable as the gravity well of a black hole—are the 1988 theatrical anime film Akira (directed by Katsuhiro Otomo) and the 1995 theatrical anime film Ghost in the Shell (directed by Mamoru Oshii). Much ink has already been spilled upon the aesthetics and themes of these landmark movies, but suffice to say, they are the total cyberpunk package, and their original manga incarnations are arguably meatier and more complex than the anime adaptations.

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Present Day, Present Time

It feels strange to phrase it this way, but one of the more recent anime series with a strong cyberpunk aesthetic is serial experiments lain, a TV anime from 1998 with direction by Ryutaro Nakamura and animation by Triangle Staff. Even over 20 years later, serial experiments lain is squirming with cyberpunky goodness with its exploration of virtual spaces, its interrogation of persona and personality, and its themes about the invasive, intrusive effects of technology upon our lives.

Another series that shares the same series composer (Chiaki J. Konaka) and character designer (Yoshitoshi ABe) as serial experiments lain is the 2003 TV anime, Texhnolyze. Aside from being dark, inscrutable, and borderline impossible to spell correctly without consulting Wikipedia, Texhnolyze is also extremely dreary and likely to appeal to nearly no one, but it checks enough cyberpunk boxes that it deserves at least a passing mention here.

Log Off

Time moves ever onward, but the particular anxieties and aspirations that cyberpunk as an art-form addresses remain frozen, a crystallization of concerns from decades long past. For example, while there are still anime that explore virtual spaces (such as the .hack/ series, Sword Art Online, and their many imitators in the “trapped in an MMO” sub-genre), they aren't engaging with the material in the same way as Case from Neuromancer or Hiro Protagonist from Snow Crash.

Despite the occasional AAA video game title or post-cyberpunk Hollywood reboot, it seems that cyberpunk may have outlived its moment of cultural necessity, but that's not so much a matter of the shifting needs of fiction as it is an expression of what's happening in the not-so-romantic realms of reality.

With each passing year, reality grows more cyberpunk. Technology continues to outstrip humanity's capacity to embrace and understand it. Corporations continue to expand. Nation-states grow more indifferent to the needs of their citizens. The rich get richer, while the gig economy ensures that the marginalized will do practically anything to scrape by. Surveillance capitalism abounds. New markets are born from a vast sea of information. The demand is limitless. The product is you.

Nevertheless, humanity resists. While technocrats try to shape the future of society, grassroots movements seize their platforms for their own purposes. The institutions of power and privilege are met with massive protests. Mundane technologies are re-purposed to foil facial recognition software and disarm state-sponsored violence. The street finds its own use for things.

Are you living in the real world?

Do you plan to spend Cyber Monday racing down the Information Superhighway on your flash new deck? What other anime represent the essence of "cyberpunk" to you? Mirrorshades or mono-filament wire? Let us know in the comments section below!

---------

Paul Chapman is the host of The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast and GME! Anime Fun Time.

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: [email protected]

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

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fuckignvehk · 5 years

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So, because I have officially gotten away from my family permanently, I'm going to sit down and write a post about why I have acted the way I have over the years. Not as an excuse, but hopefully to give an explanation. I'm going to preface this with a trigger warning for:

Rape Incest Pedophilia Abuse (of SEVERAL varieties, ranging from manipulation, gaslighting, and mind control, to sexual abuse, and physical abuse as well as several other things) Neglect Poverty Possibly others?

I am also going to preface this again, as, I'm going to list off the mental illnesses I know I have, which are the following:

C-PTSD, which stands for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is caused by repetitive and intense emotional, physical, mental, or sexual abuse, usually a mixture of them.

Bi-polar, which is a disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs, of which will result in severe paranoia, anxiety, inflated ego, and hallucinations among other things

BPD, which stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a personality disorder that typically includes the following symptoms to name a few:

Inappropriate or extreme emotional reactions. Highly impulsive behaviors. A history of unstable relationships.

Depression, anxiety, and paranoia, which I will not bother to explain because they are common enough that you should know at least enough about them to understand

DID, which stands for Disassociative Identity Disorder, previously known as multiple personality disorder, which is a mental disorder characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states. This is accompanied by memory gaps, beyond what would be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. One of these alternate personalities is a traumatized 3 year old girl.

Now that all of that is out of the way and explained, I'm going to start pretty much from the beginning.

I am unfortunately one of those people that can genuinely say that my trauma started almost at birth. I was born a month early, due to one of the valves in my umbilical cord having not developed, resulting in me after a certain point, to rapidly lose weight in the womb. I weighed 4 pounds and 14 ounces. About half the size I SHOULD have been being born. After that, I had an allergic reaction to a medication my mother was taking while breast feeding, resulting in me ceasing to breath for a good while and almost died. By the age of 3 or so, something happened, assumably incestuous rape, which resulted in my personality to fracture so heavily that the one originally in this body retreated, and was locked away while someone else came to the front, for the rest of her life. From that point on, the only time she came out, to my recollection, was doing extreme times of fear, paranoia, and danger, which resulted in her either hurting me, or someone around us. Her name is Amber. My birth name, my dead name. The last time she came out she asked for her mom and dad, and asked why her mom hates her. Most of my life is a blur, and the few things I can remember are not fantastic.

By the age of four I promised myself I'd never forget my age again after accidentally holding up five fingers only to be ridiculed for it and jeered at the whole party. There were no children at any of my birthday parties save one or two later on in life. It was always adults, usually my mother's friends. As such, after cake and presents, my presence was ignored and shaken off. This is an ordeal I deal with throughout my whole life. From a frighteningly young age I have been plagued with chronic nightmares so aggressive that I would wake up as a toddler having panic attacks, running through the dark of the house to my parents room, begging to sleep there that night. Only to be told to go back to my room, and not wake up my mother again lest I have my ass beat red. I still have these chronic nightmares to this day. Even medication doesn't help, all it does is trap me in these nightmares until morning, back to back to back. After 2nd grade, my mother and father got a divorce. I went with my mother, and lived in this small town named Millen(sp?) for the extent of 3rd grade. In this time. I was traumatized in many ways. One of which was by an upperclasswoman of 5th year, who promised to be my first friend if I let her do something 'special'. This was the first time I was ever raped. Not long after that we got a kitten whos back legs had been snapped at our doorstep. I instisted my mother let me nurse it back to health. She refused, and instead told me she was going to take it over to my grandparents, who lived right next to us, so that my grandpa could kill it. I can still hear the kitten mewling as she took it away, and I can still hear the sound of the 2-by-4 crushing it's skull with a single hard hit. I can also remember the cousin my family would talk about me allegidly crushing on, and talk of us getting married one day. My cousin.

After 3rd grade, on the way to my dad's house for the summer, my dad went into cardiac arrest on the freeway, and we ran into a semi truck 6 or 7 times before veering off the road into a tree. My mom and I moved back in with my dad after that, my mom taking up our cat at the time, along with her litter of kittens who were no older than 2 or 3 months, gunny sacked them, and dropped them on the side of the road during the move. While we had these cats, she also got a dog. She took care of the dog, and bought cat food, but she never bought litter. The cats lived in my bedroom. It eventually got to the point that I had to move to the living room, leaving all of my things in the bedroom, because so much cat piss and shit had piled up in there that it was making me deathly ill. I ended up getting strep for the first time not long after that. Not long after that is when I started abusing the kittens, mixed with anger at them, as well as having learned that if an animal is not wanted, to just kill it, which, for my already traumatized brain, resulted in torture. The dog she had, always got more attention than me, so I ended up hating her, resutling in frequent abuse towars her on my end. This didn't stop until around the time that I was 11 or 12, when what I believe was another mental break happened, and my personality was once again reformed into someone new. Realizing what I had done, I forced her to puke up toxic paint I had force fed her, and never spoke of it. That dog, who's name was sweetpea, died last year, just before I'd moved out. I was the only one with her when she died, after my brother had strangled her, irriparibly damaging her throat, causing her to starve to death.

After moving back in with my dad the first time, my mom and dad fought, all the time, until one day my mom grabbed me up from my room, dragged me to the door, paused, looked at my dad, and told him 'take a good look, because it'll be the last time you ever see your daughter. I hope you drink yourself to death.' and left with me. A month or two later my mom got a call my dad is in the hospital. He tried drinking himself to death. When he woke up, he asked where his mother was, who had been dead since he was a young adult. He had developed aggressive Altzimers and Dimensia. We moved in with my dad again, along with my uncle, his girlfriend, and their daughter moving in. Each person in the house abused me in different ways, save my dad, who was also abused. Through the years my family brainwashed me into hating my father, along with harassing, bullying, and poisoning him, as well as traumatizing him for their pleasure. After a falling out between my mom and her brother, he, and his girlfriend and daughter are kicked out, and my brother moved in, along with a guy named Ken. I was around 14 or 15 or so at this point. Through the whole time Ken lived with us, he sexually harassed and aggressed me, which to everyone else was deemed a girl crush on my part, which I got in trouble for. During a camping trip, while everyone else was making sexually charged jokes, I made one towards him, only to get punched full on in the jaw. My mother looked at me and told me I deserved it for being so disrespectful to an adult. I never did so again.

After a bit, my mom, brother, dad and I, moved to texas for 4 years, which is where I met someone else that would abuse me through my life, up until recently, along with being abused by an online friend and love interest, of whom would abuse me until the age of 18 or so. After those 4 or so years, we moved back to oregon. While we had left our house, my mom moved my uncle, aunt, grandma, and grandpa in. By the time we got home, my childhood home was destroyed. I lived then, in a garage, for the next 4 years, with no insilation in the ceiling, with an abusive older brother and mom, later being left with ONLY my brother. I took showers maybe once or twice a month, when we weren't having water problems. I was rediculed for my weight, had my disabilities denied, being gaslit into beliving I was making it all up, and had my food restricted by my aunt from any food in the house. Needless to say, moldy and spoiled food is not a stranger to me. Near the end, before I'd moved out, we had several people move in and out. I had my bank account back in oregon irriparibly messedup and locked due to being pressured into allowing my uncle's girlfriend, both of which did and still to this day do have warrents out for their arrest, to use my account to cash a check that turned out to be a fraud. I never got that account fixed. We also had a couple with a 13 year old move up for a bit, both parents doing heroine until they were kicked out for theft and threats. After that, another couple moved up in a trailer, along with a 3rd person with a larger trailer. The male of the couple one day came up with a gun, looking for his girlfriend, telling us that he just wanted her so he could blow her brains out for cheating on him with my uncle. After that ordeal, she started sneaking him up onto our property. I warned my mom about it, only for her to tell me I was making it up and hallucinating. I reconnect with my abuser from highschool not long after this, as well as having lost MULTIPLE friends during this time. He buys me a bus ticket up to portland, to live with him, and the moment I get there, I am cleaning the whole house save his roommates room. I'm also cooking and doing laundry that had piled up long before I got there, all of which was saturated in cat urin. I took care of his 6 rats and dog as well while I lived there. If I did not clean the dishes, make him lunches, and wash the laundry (in several cases having to fold and put it away as well), I was guilt tripped as he sat and cried, telling me how tired he was from taking calls all day at his work. Or guilted with the phrase of 'so I had 2 cigarettes for lunch again today'. At night, every night, he told me how much he missed his ex girlfriend, who was someone who claimed to have DID, and integrated, as well as the fact that he was in love with this new personality as well. I was also informed of how she had replaced me as his best friend, and been better to him than I had the whole time we'd known each other, that I'd never live up to her. When told to stop, and that I didn't want to listen to it anymore, I was once again gaslit and guilted into being a venting tool. 2 weeks in to living there he jumped off a building trying to kill himself, knowing full well that he left me in an apartment whose lease was up at the end of THAT month, leaving me less than 2 more weeks to find a job, and somehow get enough money for a down payment on an apartment with a roommate, while also figuring out how to pay for transportation, and food. His boyfriend did not help me pack ANY of my abuser's items, and the one time I blew up on him about it, he guilted me and told me to walk, in the dead of night, to the McDonalds so that he could just pack it all up himself, only for him to never come over at all, because my abuser woke up. I asked to go see him too, and I was told I was not allowed to. The only time he contacted me was to see how packing was going, or to have me walk to his work, (as well as having to take a trimet train, with no money to get a pass to do so, resulting me on riding it illegally) just to buy him cigarettes because he was to young to do so still as he was not yet 21. I was rewarded with sandwiches that hadn't been sold that day, and a coffee with some cakepops. Through all this time, he, as well as my abuser's other partner, and been complaining about me, and claiming that I was being abusive and inconsiderate.

By the end of it I ended up having to move at the end of the month to Wisconsin, with someone I had never met in my life, on a whim, because my other option was to live on the streets of portland in the middle of winter. I lived in Wisconsin for a month, where once again I did a good portion of the cleaning, and all of the cooking, save dishes most of the time. 2 times I had been left there completely alone and isolated, taking care of his 2 cats, because he checked himself into a mental hospital. I spent thanks giving (a holiday I don't celebrate anyways regardless) alone, as well as that entire week. After all was said and done, he forced me to get onto a plane back to my abusive family, where I lived for the month of december up until the 22nd of January, where I once again ran away from him, to a stranger I met online no more than a month before hand, to get away from my family.

Despite everything here, I have left a MAJORITY of my abuse details and major points out of this. In that time of trying and failing and trying again to move out, I lost everything. Literally everything. I have cut contact with ALL of my family, I lost my family childhood home, and will never get to go back because even if it wasn't for association, my family can no longer hold onto it, I've lost all of my clothing, my books, etc. I am now at the point where, while I am in a much better situation, I am now having to deal with processing 21 years of nonstop abuse through my whole life, and can only sit and hope that a box that I was harrassed about the whole time after moving away from portland, is eventually shipped to me with my remaning belongings, including my herbal books, a few religious items, clothes, a mortar and pestel, and my computer as well as drawing tablet.

As of now, I am still looking for a doctor to get my first checkup, as well as a dentist to deal with cavities, the beginnings of gum disease, and all of my wisdom teeth forcing themselves out of my jaw into my mouth, which does not have enough room for them, resulting in a severely crooked top one, and two impacted bottoms. I also need to find a therapist, and psychologist to help me process my trauma, and a gynacologist, which I have never seen either, as the only benifit I've gotten from hospitals is emergency room care, and my vaccinations that were REQUIRED as a child.

#tw abuse #tw rape #tw incest #tw pedophillia

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kira-aub · 7 years

Photo

Ooh boy, I was hoping I would do this sooner but now I’m about a month behind on my update!! Okay, so a lot has happened, February was a busy month. Following my trip up to London for my birthday, I went on a day trip to Oxford with other Tier 4 Visa students. We spent the day wandering around the gorgeous city of Oxford, my friends and I spent quite a while in the Ashmolean Museum. We also found a quaint little bookshop that sold new and used books, where I came across 6 Japanese volumes of Berserk, one of my favorite manga series. They’re really hard to find normally so I instantly took all of them home with me.

For the rest of the Tier 4 week where most of my friends were off galavanting in Budapest, I spent almost all of my time with the 2nd Year Animation students on their film. I worked on cleanup, so I was given a rough animation and I would go over it with smooth lines, then a color artist goes in and colors between them. I did both of these, but I was mostly cleanup. I got really good at it on this project, the directors called me the “Abdul Master” (the character above, he was the only one I drew). It was very fun but very long work. I would spend around 10 hours in the studio with all of them, holed up on an absolutely gorgeous Cintiq that is larger than my torso. Working on a new Cintiq was an absolute dream, and while I can create the same kind of work with my tablet, I will wistfully dream about how nice it was to work straight onto my digital work. It was an incredible learning experience, and it’s going to be the first animation I’m in with my name in it! I’m excited to see how it comes out when it’s finally finished!

Working with the second years did make me realize a few things, and one was that if I wanted to do digital animation, I needed a new computer. My Macbook air is already elderly and suffering problems and has nowhere near the amount of RAM that I would like it to have, especially when I was working on Photoshop files up to 3GB. A while ago I was prepared to buy a Macbook Pro as an upgrade, but at the price I know I can get a much more powerful PC. So I decided to make an investment for the coming years and put my student loan to use. I consulted many PC-user friends on what to get, I was looking for a high-end gaming laptop (with a high GPU and RAM and a lot of storage) that could handle a lot of different programs for whatever I may need. I also needed it to be lightweight, being physically weak with tendonitis in my elbows. We ended up finding the Razer Blade, a beautiful gaming laptop, almost as slim as a Macbook Pro, and better in every way hardware-wise. When it finally came I was ecstatic and I still touch it reverently. It has a really pretty glowing keyboard that I can configure the colors on and I’m pleasantly happy with Windows 10, so far it’s been a really easy switch. It can handle multiple programs at once and even worked well with a monster of a Photoshop file that was 4.5GB. I can’t wait to use it for my final project (which is puttering along slowly, but coming together!)

Though I was ecstatic for my new computer, it was quickly overwhelmed when I had to be taken to A&E. The night before I had started convulsing and it hadn’t stop the next day, it was making it hard to breathe and it looked like my body was having a fit, shaking uncontrollably. It was not a fun experience. Rhi, my savior once again, took me to the hospital, even piggybacked me to the taxi when I couldn’t walk. The doctors took me in immediately, they gave me Valium to control the spasms, and they settled down quite a lot but not completely. Around 7 hours later I was finally released with the doctor saying they would have a follow up appointment the next day. I went to that, but never really did find out the cause of it. My doctors assumed it was an anxiety attack, but it was different from any that I have ever experienced and was quite scary. It lasted around 2 or 3 more days after that, and now it’s thankfully gone, but I have a lingering paranoia that it’ll happen again. If it does, I’ll be sure to press for more answers than anxiety. But I don’t want to bog this down with health talk, I could go on forever and it’s really not all that interesting and this is long enough as it is.

It did take me a while to recover physically, I was exhausted and the medication I was on for it made me sleep a little too well and I ended up oversleeping quite a bit and I was really physically weak for a few days. It put me out of commission for about a week, so that was a week of no work on my project which only added to some of the stress. But luckily I’m still on track because I was ahead to begin with and am getting closer to the Production stage of my project with each day! On the tail-end of still feeling ill my animation class went (back) to Oxford, but this time I got to see the Pitts River Museum, which was extremely interesting. I hadn’t seen dinosaur fossils in a very long time and it was really exciting! We were supposed to be gathering some primary research for our projects, but sadly nothing in the museum actually pertained to what I am doing. I also don’t like drawing in museums for some reason. But it was enjoyable nonetheless, even though it left me wiped out afterward.

For Rhi’s birthday we went to the Cat Cafe, which is probably the most heavenly place in this entire city, maybe even the country. I bonded with an adorable 11 year old kitty named Auntie Anne who looked just like a kitten and had the biggest sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen. I want to go back and see her again, it was such a calming place and the business is so smart and well-run and ethical, it makes me incredibly happy.

Continuing to trudge away at my final project, the first storyboard is done so hopefully an animatic should come soon. I’ve taken on a lot for this, but I’m excited for the challenge and hope I can bring my best!

#goddamn that was a lot of words #uni adventures #life update #big shocker kira is sick again and has to go to the hospital lol #foundation year

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