#i havent been yelled at for being fat
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its literally a rant that i need to post somewhere so im not blowing up peoples DMs with this bullshit please scroll past.
I wish I could just exist and have it not be exhausting or exist in a way that I don't have to cope in such an unhealthy way. fuckin tiktok has been nothing but like AuDHD and like slf help shit and its making me realize im older then i ever thought id get to. a whole fuckin 12 years after the fact and my healing is up to me and just UGH. its alot. im also having a whole thing about being stuck working and never able to fully enjoy myself due to the crush weight of being in the US and im gonna try to put myself out there this weekend at the bars / parties im going to have to deal with the constant self rejection and the recjection from others and im not like SUPER ready for that again. I jsut think about the dude who told me I was coming on too strong for asking him out, then as my friend is cursing him out he fucking asked her out infront of me. That sounds so dumb and middle school but i just havent been able to stop thinking about it. He saw me too.
I don't register as a person to so many people here. I hate it. no its obviously a me thing. if i wasnt so fucked up and fat people would like me. I know I have been talking about this and myself all day and im sick of thinking about myself but i cant stop. and legit ive just been crying all day because like im responible for my own healing even though i wasn't responsible for getting hurt in the first place and i just hate it. I also know I need to take steps to really take care of myself and better myself so I can be a good partner and a good parent but shits hard. and the worst part is i know im so exhausting and all i do is complain about my situation like im not the one responsible for gettting myself into it. and all i do is bitch and whine but take not action and i hate it so i cant imagine how yall feel. I just I don't know. It's this constant battle of "I have to change the way I think about myself because this isn't healthy" and "this is litterally who you are" and im so exhausted all the time. ive burnt out my FAWN response and I just don't feel like I've been giving those around the love and attentiveness they deserve from me and I hate that most of all I think. It's so hard to actively listen and i used to be able to be so engaged and attentive and I don't know what happened other then getting exhausted. Everyone deserves so much more from me but I can't give it. And I really just feel like all I do is talk about myself and my issues and i hate it. I also just became socially aware earlier this year and my whole childhood has changed. I was so used to people abusing/beating/yelling at me or directly telling me that they don't like me as I was growing up that all those little like bullying behaviors and like things never clicked in my mind that they were malicious until this year. I know it doesn't matter and it shouldn't impact me as much as it does specially considering this shit was like 20 years ago but I dont know. I grew up believing people liked me and now I'm finding out that people didn't actually like me. It's just jarring and it;s so dumb. Plus its been feeding back into my life now. I am so painfully socially aware of myself that I don't want to leave the house.
I dont want to meet new people because they are just going be mean and cruel to me and I wont know it. And again ignorance is bliss and like i wish i still was unaware. and i know this has just got to be some kind of mental health issue. Its anxeity or something making me feel like this and like I know i shouldn't care what others think of me. But I also want to just like... date and go out and have fun and whatnot. I feel like in order to do that you have to care about what people think of you in some capacity. I don't know. life is hard. this is too hard. I'm not gonna find someone to have a family with and im pretty sure im infertile so i cant have kids anyway. so like whats the point. Might as well waste my life away on the internet and just..... be that old office lady who never had kids or got married. and shes great at work, so kind and nice, and it just makes you sit there and think 'what is wrong with her.' like there has to be something so broken and fucked up with her that she can keep a job for 30 years but no one wants to live with her. thats who I am. I'm not ready to accept that fate because I dont WANT to be that person but I am. I might as well try to fuck around and get some dating in before it's too late for me. this was stupid. I shouldn't post it but im going to. in some fucked up hope that this will fix me. When the only thing that would fix me is losing 200 pounds and getting some normal fuckin hobbies.
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Arden is starting to become my favorite character in this novel I'm writing so lemme tell yall about why they are the superior main character. (also i ended up talking about All the characters in the novel so theres a read more haha sorry)
Arden (They/them)
They are nonbinary
They are fat
Everyone agrees that they are sexy despite nobody really knowing what they look like (the only thing I'm adamant about is that they are canonically fat and have natural Himnoan coloring, but if you wanna imagine them with dyed hair that WOULD fit them)
They listen to hyperpop
They are the worst mage ever
They are a scam artist
Their best friends are all brilliant magic users
They are poor
They drive awfully but the MC cant tell cuz he's never been in a car before
If they meditate they can suck people's consciousness into their mind
Since I'm in a good mood I'll also tell you some things about Ravana, my non-PoV character
Ravana (he/it)
he's a demon
he was a mage before dying but doesn't remember much of it.
it can't do human magic because his mind is too chaotic
Possibly because he has a natural ability to read minds.
Part incubus and part horned demon
His horns are intricately designed and he likes to decorate them with shimmery powder he makes himself. it also makes it's own talon strengthening and shining serum. Also carefully braids his long hair everyday. beauty guru vibes.
He seems intimidating at first but once you get to know him you can't believe anyone could be scared of him
He was a deal broker in hell and still instinctually tries to trap people in deals despite now being a house-demon.
It really likes animals and has a cat. wants to get two chickens.
His first language is English but it also speaks several demonic dialects. It's english sounds gutteral with the inflections of demonic but his demonic sounds soft like a human's
Surprisingly a very nurturing person, very good at teaching (most people he interacts with end up becoming its pupils after a while.)
Knows about other dimensions (and actually lived in one more like ours for his human life) but just doesn't bother to tell anyone about them
He has sensory issues and undiagnosed autism ::)
Okay I'm enjoying this too much lemme tell you about the rest while I'm here!
Lief (he/him)
The MAIN main character
became a mage at the ripe old age of 14 (Earlier than most people in his colony even start apprenticeships!!) (17 at the start of the story, currently 18)
He learned the majority of his magic on his own (also summoned a demon (Ravana) mostly via intuition)
he's demiromantic pansexual! also he's very sex-positive
grew up in the Himnoan Colony on Rubia and is one of two people on the Himnoan continent with the weird accent of Himnoan Rubian
Insane climbing ability
doesn't like looking vulnerable, and is very good at hiding feelings. One second he'll be crying and the next he's totally composed
awful little man--he teases people he cares about and threatens anyone who bothers him.
wants to commit murders
Considered becoming a fascist dictator but Ravana wouldn't let him (he probably could've)
Got offered a job that would give him power over an entire continent but he was too busy plotting to kill his only biological family member still alive
Would canonically be a ruthless tyrant if he didn't have Ravana and Arden
NOW FOR AZARIUS! (I havent written him in a long while so excuse me if it's less than the others.
Azarius (he/him)
Grew up on Rubia
Very quiet, as most Rubians are.
Can't sign like other Rubians because his hands aren't very coordinated (he has poor circulation and a tremor)
The only survivor of a town massacre
Current mage of Rubia
Formerly Lief's apprentice, now Ravana's pupil
Falls in love way too easily
Will sacrifice anything and anyone for his survival
His thirst for knowledge is one of the only things he cares about
Little guy so full of trauma literally so messed up poor guyyyyy
Has only been loud once; to yell at Lief
Extremely socially aware, if he has one conversation with someone he can tell you all about their social dynamic and how theyre usually treated.
Hyper-vigilant--which makes it hard for him to do human magic (as it requires more intention than the demon magic Ravana is teaching him)
You can read more about them here:
(No Arden yet in the published part but you'll meet them when I put up part two!)
#jr rambles#my writing#gay fiction#wattpad link#original story#original characters#ocs#my ocs#fantasy#lgbtq fantasy#lgbtq representation#lgbtq writers
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hi i’m actually dying
#elle talks#literally today has been awful#i’ve been overloaded with school work#swim team practice is tomorrow and i look like shit#i havent showered in two days and i cant tonight because it takes hours for my hair to dry#my room is covered in old school work while i prepare for exams#im pretty sure i have depression and my dad agrees#i’m also scared i have adhd#and i cant event do anything right anymore#the guy painting my house is a creep and is crazy#my mom is yelling at me#i cant find my swim goggles#my friend is being toxic#all my swim team suits make me look really fat#and i just want to die
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Yandere/Fishermen Hawks x Mermaid reader
Tw: toxic relationship, yandere, slight gore, self harm
Enjoy!
🌊You were swimming with a school of fish on a sunny day with a light drizzle. You occasionally let your tail trail against the surface so you can feel the drizzle.
🌊You didnt expect the sharp spear to peirce your tail.
🌊You flail and splash to try and escape. You didnt want your scales to be skinned off of you and sold. You still wanted to live.
🌊You see a pair of masculine reach into the water for you. You try and dart away, like the fish had, but were unable to due to the spear. If you dont die to the poacher you'd die to the sharks that were sure to come.
🌊You flail even harder when the hands slowly pull you up from the water. It was strange, they were so gentle even though you knew they were about to kill you.
🌊You were pulled up onto the relatively small boat with your tail limply hanging off the boat. You were shocked to even be pulled onto the boat but the fact it didnt tip over amazed you.
🌊You then notice the man the lifted you from the water. He was very good looking and you could see the muscle on him.
🌊He started apologizing as he gently tried to remove the spear from you. He also explained how he thought you were just a big fish, not meaning to hurt such a beautiful creature.
🌊You blush at his pretty words and how gentle his hands felt against you. You were trying to tell him thank you and how handsome he was but your words were confined to the water.
🌊You let out babbles and he just gazes at you with a soft smile.
🌊You were quite surprised when he released you. You were most certain the he was going to sell you.
🌊He continues to talking to you as he rows to shore. He later introduces himself as Keigo, but in business he goes by Hawks.
🌊Eventually you reach shore and you dont want him to leave. He may have stabbed you but he was nice enough to tend to your wounds and give you a decent one side conversation. You didnt necessarily want any anything in particular from him, just his company.
🌊You manage to get him to stay a little longer and listen to everything he says. You were mainly just fascinated with the fact that the two of you were different. You've only ever interacted with fish so it was so refreshing having something that can talk. You were especially interested in what people do with legs.
🌊After the sun set you were ready to leave, only being stopped by Keigo. He asks you if he'd see you again. You reply honestly saying probably not.
🌊He looks heartbroken.
🌊You quickly alter your answer and he perks up again. He bids you farewell, telling you he'd be back on the water at dawn.
🌊The next day you swim back towards the shore and find his little boat halfway there. You pop up from the water and look at him. He jumps at your sudden appearance but is happy to see you nonetheless.
🌊He quickly grabs something from his pocket and asks for your hand. You comply and he attaches a band around your wrist. You ask him what it is and he says it's a bracelet. You look back down at the bracelet and watch the tiny dot blink on and off.
🌊You happy hug him, almost pulling him into the water. You've never gotten a gift before!
🌊You spend the rest of the day nest to him, helping in fishing. Once again, it's time to leave. Keigo gets sad again but you cant promise to meet up with him tomorrow. That only makes him upset.
🌊Thus the cycle started.
🌊Youd meet up and hang out. After youd try and leave but he'd stop you. Guilt tripping you into meeting up the next day, no matter how tired, hungry, or if you were sick.
🌊One day you were sleeping and missed the time to meet up with him. It startled you waking up to yelling. Swimming up to the top of the water you see Keigo frantically searching for you.
🌊You show yourself to calm him down but that only makes him angry. He heavily questions where you were and if he even matters to you.
🌊It was extremely difficult to explain you were sleeping and that you care greatly for him.
🌊In the end you swim away feeling defeated, as if he won.
🌊And again a new cycle begun.
🌊Youd make a tiny mistake or let off the tiniest hint that you wanted to be somewhere else and he'd break down. Crying and saying that you've made his life so much better, that he doesnt know how he'd live without you.
🌊Everytime youd be pushed up against an invisible wall, holding him and doing whatever he says.
🌊Even if your health was rapidly declining. With spending so much time with Keigo you havent been able to hunt or sleep. Your scales seem to have lost their shine and the water seems so much colder due to your lack of body fat.
🌊He's even tried to take you onto land.
🌊Trying to hide your large tail was an issue so he suggested cutting it off. You panicked, thinking he was serious, and swam away. The next day you hid from him, not prepared for the amount of stress he'd bring.
🌊But the more you tried to move on and focus on yourself your mind wandered to him. He needed you. You were what kept him grounded. How could you abandon him like that? You had to go help him.
🌊You swim around trying to find his boat when you find on really similar. You swim up to it, thinking it was Keigo's, only to be surprised when you were tangled up in a net.
🌊You flail like you did the first day you ment Keigo only to be threatened with death.
🌊You silently cry as you're transported onto shore and through alleys. You still didnt want to die. You just wanted to check up on Keigo, maybe you should've stayed away.
🌊You jolt as you suddenly fall to the ground. You watch as Keigo swiftly, but brutally, kills your captors.
🌊Once free you try to leap into his arms but he pushes you away. He quickly ties you up with rope, quiet roughly, and watches you for a moment. His eyes distracted and dull.
��He slowly starts talking. Saying how much you hurt him, how he couldn't stand it. He slowly reveals his arms to show your name carved over and over again.
🌊How could you let him do this to himself?
🌊You were too busy thinking about how this was all your fault that you didnt notice the knife he pulled out.
🌊You shriek as the blade digs into your flesh right above where your scales start.
🌊He only stares at you as he continues to cut deeper. You, unable to speak, just cry and silently plead for him to stop and tell you why he was doing this.
🌊One of your pleas were answered as he starts talking, still slowly trailing the knife through you.
🌊He just mutters how he should be the only one to touch you. How you belong to him because he fished you up first. How disappointed he was because you tried swimming away from him. But that could never happen because he was tracking you with the bracelet. How he'd make sure youd never swim away from him again.
🌊You scream out again as the knife begins to aggressively saw in between your scales and flesh. He stops about half way to look at his work. You can tell he wasnt satisfied.
🌊His knife slowly trails down your scales, not yet piercing them. He looks directly into your eyes saying how he loves you so and that you should've never tried to swim away.
🌊His knife slowly starts to gut your tail.
🌊All that could be heard that night was the wails and pitiful screams of a beast in pain. Eventually you pass out due to pain and blood loss.
🌊When you wake up you feel so dry and weak. You try to move, only to find yourself strapped to a bed. When you try to break free, the door opens to reveal Keigo.
🌊He walks over to you and helps you gulp down a glass of water. He also takes this time to explain that you're in his house, well, your new house. You were now going to live with him.
🌊You didnt want that.
🌊You try to break free again only to have him slowly lay you down. He warns you to be gentle or else your stitches will come undone.
🌊You look at him confused, only to have him move the covers covering your lower half.
🌊Everything was gone. Everything below your belly button had disappeared.
🌊You look at Keigo in a panic. He only only smiles and leans in to whisper in your ear.
🌊"I told you youd never be able to swim away from me again."
Kiby~💚
#mha keigo takami#keigo tamaki#my hero academia keigo takami#mha hawks#yandere hawks#hawks x reader#hawks#bnha hawks#pro hero hawks#yandere x reader#yandere#my heo academia#my hero academia#my hero x reader
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im so overwhelmed, everything is happening so fast and i just want a second to catch my breath. sometimes i fantasize about how calm id finally be if i had the guts to just kill myself. i wish i could, i really really dont want to live like this anymore, but the thought of someone finding my body and seeing how fat and disgusting i am makes me want to puke.
my teeth are decaying from forcing my finger down my throat every time my mum cooks dinner and i dont have the heart to say no, im waking up to hair on my pillow, i cant focus. reality doesnt feel real anymore. ive settled for just putting salt on my tongue when i want to eat because at least it tastes like food.
i miss feeling happy. id say i miss being able to look in the mirror and not want to tear my eyes out but i guess its always been like this, it was just a matter of time before i developed an eating disorder. i feel so proud when i get bruises from sitting down in the same position for too long, i feel like ive finally satisfied the voice in my head whenever i fit into clothes i havent worn since i was 11.
im scared ill never love myself. what point is there to being alive when i hate myself so violently. i wish i had the guts to end it, i wish so badly for that. i think so often about just stabbing myself, i dont want a painless or peaceful death, i want it to be as bad as possible to punish this body one last time but i just cant do it. My 14 year old brother would come into my room, thinking i had slept in, and hed see me there dead. i cant put him through that. I always think ‘oh ill just do it in a seculded area’ but even then the thought of someone seeing my fat ugly body tells me not to, im so so ashamed of what ive done to myself that even in death nobody can know. how am i going to suck it in and only stand in positions i know make me look thinner if im dead?
i dont really want to die though, i just want a break. i want it all to stop, i want the yelling and the fighting to stop. i want to be reborn as a baby in a loving family who will care about me from the moment im born. i just want someone to be there for me but im so alone, none of my friends know what i go though. nobody knows. i want to be a virgin again. im 15 and ive felt things i know im too young to have felt. i want a restart, everything went wrong, i want to stop thinking so much but the only way i can think to give myself these things is death
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i felt kinda ready to come out a few weeks ago but now im SHOVED back into the closet, my mom has been really judging of me lately for no reason? she judges me by everything, even clothing and i havent changed it to much, and it sucks because when i tell her to stop she just calls me a moody teen and blames it on me, atm my dads the only one who 100% respects me so sad hour ~ 🌈🥺
(ig part 2 about my mom) i was just starting to gain a bit of confidence but because pf my mom i started to feel disgusted by my body to the point where i didbt eat for an entire day just because i was so ”fat” and everytime i feel good she always does something, even if i say that im tired she yells at me for being ”moody” ~ 🌈🥺
i’m so sorry, love. this is exactly what i’ve gone through with my parents this past year so i have complete and total empathy for you bb. what’s helped me is isolating myself from her opinion and just not taking anything that she says seriously. i have lost some respect for my mother but honestly, i think it’s healthily so. you don’t owe anything to her no matter what she says, work on your relationship with yourself for now. you deserve to love your beautiful body and soul❤️
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"are those games bwnefitting you at all?" YES DAD YES THEY FUCKING ARE. I KNOW MURDER ISNT GOOD FOR MY MIND AND VIOLENCE OE WHTEVER THE SHIT IT IS YOU WANNA TRLL ME BUT GOD DAMMIT ITS FUCKING BENEFITTING ME It may not seem like it to you, dad, but playing something with my friends allows me to fucking- it lets me be someoen else!! i dont have to be lucy, the girl with problems, the girl with 20 missing assignments, the fucking failure!!! i can he briso, the happy child who manages to deal with his problems! i can be jimmy, someone who doesnt care about rules or problems, i can just be bread! a girl who draws and sure she has problems and she vents but shes liked. here, without all that shit, im a fucking failure. i cant do anything right, i lie, i ignore my schoolwork, i dont do well, i dont take my meds and im fucking sorry but i. fucking. my friends are the reason im alive. if i didnt have them id probably have attpted to kill myself at least once, my self esteem is already so fucking low from the fact im a failure, and with you ficking MICRO MANAGING MY LIFE ND THREATENING EVERYTHING I LOVE im jsut fucking- im not!!! doing okaya s i seem!! ever think that maybe YOURE the reason im distracted and parsnoid and just fucking iverall not okay??? i havent been okay with myself since first!!! fucking grade!!! im only 13, i shouldnt be wanting to kill myself sometimes because im just a lazy kid, because i feel like a failure all the damn fucking timw!!! the ONLY reason that im even galf assed okay is because of my friends, because i have escapes from life! and now youre threatening to take all of that away, and i cant even fucking tell you because youll jsut say im iver reacting, that i dug myself into this hole, and i did!!! i really fucking did. but you arent helping, at all. if im scared or anxious when youre yelling at me about something, when i feeeze up and cant do anything, you just tell em to stop that shit, vecause "your emotions dont control you, you control your emotions" and i fucking dont! and if i try to blame my adhd because its a valid fucking thing you say "dont use your adhd i have it too" BUT ITS FUCKING DIFFERENT! YOUR 5 FUCKING 2, YOU KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS! IM not ONLY add, im honestly probably depressed and anxious, im 13, im deqling with the stress of schooll, i have friend issues, drama, i have 20 FUCKI GMISSING ASSIGNMENTS, and im horomonal and im just not fucking okay and im sorry i dont have a good excuse but im honestlt this far from jsut trying to find a different way to show how much of a failure i am, how sorry i am that im a fucking failure, and honestly im not planning but everyone would be better without me i only cuse problems, i havent made your life any better!!! because im aparently such a burden that you walked four miles to and from a pantry with 20 pounds of cans, and you still hurt, and all ive been doing is sitting on my ass playing games on my computer. and im fucking sorry. i dont know what else to say, im sorry im a failure im sorry im useless, im sorry im lazy im sorry im fat, im sorry that ive done so much that you have to kicro manage me, and im sorry that im not fucking gone yet and that im still being a burden to you im just... im sorry i guess. ill shut up now.
#vent#suicide mention#sorry guys im jjst cloggijg up your life with my problems#look at me being a burdeb again#cant even sokve my own fucking problems
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I want to drink more of that domestic reddie juice
omg ok imagine richie and eddie moving into an apartment together. like theyve JUST moved in and havent rlly gotten any furniture yet, or unpacked anything. so on their first night there they eat dinner on paper plates, sitting on cushions on the lounge-room floor
eddie has his legs hooked over richies and has barely touched his pizza, bc hes chattering on and on and on abt what he plans to do w the apartment.
“we’ll put a couch here and the tv there…oh and we should get an armchair. like one of those rlly comfy ones that recline. i’d sit in it all day like an old man. or like those old ladies that just knit all day. do u reckon knitting’s hard? it looks boring as hell.”
richies just eating his pizza and watching him. quiet for once his loudmouthed life. a fond smile on his face.
“…do u think we could, rich?” eddie asks, onto a completely different topic now.
“oh, uh. sure, babe,” richie replies, hadnt been listening. just kinda zoned out as he thought abt his cute his bf was. eddie gives him a little frown, and now its reached the point where hes so cute that richie cant control himself anymore, and he leans over and presses little kisses over eddies face until eddies laughing and complaining abt his pepperoni pizza breath
each of the losers offer to let richie and eddie stay over that night, considering rich n eds dont actually have a bed in their apartment yet, but theyre both just so excited abt their new place that they sleep in sleeping bags on the living room floor.
eddie gets cold during the night and ends up wriggling into richies sleeping bag with him. and its so snug that they have to basically be all wrapped up in each other to fit.
“ur feet are cold,” grumbles a barely-awake richie, his only complaint as eddie shuffles in beside him.
“my everythings cold,” eddie replies, cuddling into richies chest. richie immediately lifts up an arm to accommodate him, wrapping it around eddies waist. “ur my heater. make me warm.”
“oh. is that all im good for is it?” riches mumbles, teasing, eyes still closed. but he captures eddies cold feet between his legs to warm them up.
as they begin to move in a bit more, half unpacked boxes everywhere, a mattress now on their bedroom floor, furniture in the lounge-room, theyre able to actually make dinner for themselves. and not just eat pizza on the floor every night
they have an oven !!! a whole oven !!! and one night, while somethings cooking away in it, music crooning from an old second hand radio amongst all the clutter on the kitchen counters, richie lifts eddie up onto the kitchen bench and they kiss softly while they wait for their food
richie has his hands, which are stained in white paint bc they’d be painting the bathroom, running up eddies thighs. while eddie has his hands, also covered in paint, hooked at the wrists behind richies neck.
the kiss is slow and lazy and languid. richie runs his hands up to eddies hips and pull them flush against his own. kisses down eddies neck, humming along to the song against his skin
theyre happy. content. until they smell smoke.
their foods burning
“richie, the oven!!” eddie yelps
“the house is burning down!!” richie yells dramatically, ignoring him. he lifts eddie over his shoulder and races down the hall. “i’ll save you my love!!!”
eddie tries to tell him to stop fucking around, but hes too busy laughing
(the food is so burnt its inedible)
richie calls out ‘honey, im home!!’ every time he enters the front door. eddie sometimes yells back “well, leave” or “no one asked” but hes also gotten into the habit of saying it too (mostly bc it makes richie laugh so much)
an image: a soft, sleepy morning, where they both have to get up early. and stumble down to the bathroom, where they stand in front of the sink, in their pyjamas, hair ruffled and eyes bleary, leaning against each other for support as they brush their teeth
the apartment allows pets and so like within two weeks of moving in they adopt a fat orange cat that richie names gnocchi (bc apparently thats his second fave pasta dish after spaghetti)
she loves both of them and sleeps on their bed every night, but gnocchi (or ‘nocs’ for short. its the last time eddies letting richie name anything), has a v special connection w eddie. and follows him around the house while hes doing chores. or cleans herself on the bathroom floor while hes showering. and sits on his lap while hes lounging around watching tv.
sometimes eddie just carries her around like a baby, and when richie walks thru the front door w his whole ‘honey im home’ shtick, eddies goes up to meet him, and he reaches up to give richie a kiss with her held in his arms between them
richie tells eddie off for spoiling her, because sometimes eddie will sneak gnocchi food under the table at dinner
but richie spoils her too. he spoils both of them. like once he came home late at night after hanging out w bill. and he found eddie asleep on the couch with gnocchi asleep on his lap.
and instead of waking eddie and telling him to go to bed, or taking the cat off his lap, richie just scoops eddie up his arms bridal style, with gnocchi still balanced carefully on eddies stomach
and he walks them down to their bedroom very cautiously and slowly, so as not to wake either of them. and sets eddie down onto the bed on the back, so the cat can keep sleeping on his stomach.
richie has to give up a night of being able to spoon eddie, but its worth it, seeing how peaceful eddie n his cat are.
(richie also might serve gnocchi her own lil bowl of icecream as she sits next to him on the couch on the nights hes home by himself, eating a bunch of junk food and watching movies) (but dont tell eddie that)
#Anonymous#reddie#ask#headcanons#idk take this#i love domestic shit#and the thought of richie n eddie getting a cat#u can pry that hc from my cold dead cat-loving hands#fhjds#long post#like too long tbh
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i hate having to go to the hospital all day
i can watch a lot of videos
but I can't go online
i miss talking with friends
and the feelings that come with being online all day
i wish i could stay in wifi
but im stuck in the hospital instead
normally i would solve problems as they appear but instead i cant and know issues are piling up and my head is hurting so much more than normal its not just a headache anymore i think its all bad feelings and loneliness and it hurts so bad but its just a headache so i must just be exaggerating but i know that cant be true
i miss teddy alot and im scared to vent to them bcs i feel like im burdening them but i know they read these anyways so its just the same thing
my stomach is growling. i had a footlong sub, a can of soda, a container of pineapple, and some juice so that should be plenty but its not my stomach wants more bcs ive always had a big appetite and i hate that and i feel like if i eat any i will be sick but its growling so its probably just my mind. i know i should eat but the idea is so repulsive.
but maybe its not this time, ive felt weak and shaky all day and my head aches deeply like i hit it on something, and my stomach feels physically sore maybe its just cuz i picked on the scabs again, but maybe im dehydrated if i am i cant drink water cuz its nasty. i could be sick. but im already sick in the head so what difference does it make if my worthless body runs itself to the ground
my senses feel overwhelmed bcs my ears ache and ring and my eyes feel sore and my joints ache, and my stomach feels sick and is hungry, and im getting mad over small things. i yelled at my sisters again bcs i was upset i couldnt take a bug to keep and preserve. instead of calming down i turned the bathroom light on and let it sear my eyes as i ripped scabs off my burns.
i scratched more today. usually i leave one every week or two but i did two in one day. yesterday i pulling at the skin until i made three small holes and maybe if my forefinger's nail was longer i could have picked my skin apart. mema has been saying she may cut my nails but if she does that my hands will stop being slender and long and start looking stubby and fat like every other part of me. im so scared to lose them and i know that even with them short i can still tear my skin because she cant keep them cut against the edge of the nailbed forever. if she does it i will be more upset and anxious but im scared she wont understand because i know i cant stop scratching it gives me something to focus on and feels so nice. part of me thinks i may be developing something like dermatilliomania, that its another side effect of my ocd, but a different part says you barely mark yourself up and you are not that bad so it doesnt matter. maybe i should show my arms and hands to my therapist, maybe i can mention it to her. maybe she'll give me an answer.
my stomach is fading from physical hurt from the scabs away to hurting cuz im hungry and that sickness my mind makes up. i want to eat. i have weak self control. i try to say i deserve to eat but i know i dont believe it. even teddys old words arent helping. i say im hungry to mema but tell her i feel to sick to eat. i tell myself j should eat if im hungry but in this home i have more control than in a hospital room. here i know others who have starved far longer than i have. and for what? i know i love the beautiful look of all bodies, whether firm and muscular or soft and rounded or thin and sharp. but ive always wanted to be edges and blades and maybe if i starve until my cheek fat leaves and thighs are bony i can be happy with how i look and how different i am from her.
i feel like i disgust you, teddy. im always surprised you still bother with me, that i havent bored you with my crying. i have a friend that i was always exaggerating my love for, and im scared thats what you think of me. and sometimes you saying otherwise doesnt work, because thats what i always said and it was a lie, so maybe someday youll admit to me you were exaggerating what you feel, like i do.
im sorry. i really do love you. im sorry if i bore you or you feel annoyed having to deal with me or if a system mate of yours is tired of watching me complain about minor things.
i think i will stay up late tonight. i want to scroll through tumblr all night. maybe i will be up to see you answer this.
im crying and i cant breathe through my nose. how pathetic.
#instead of paragraphs i now have poems...... i think it fits how i want to appear better...#on vents and when i want to appear eager i may go back to my usual speech#well. u can see that from the [more] text#vent#negative#disordered eating#self harm#this grew rapidly. i had a lot on my mind from the past few days. today was a bad one.#servant speaks
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I have something I need to share. Not with you, with someone else but that'll never happen, its simply not possible, but I need this off my chest and dont have a safe place for it. With your stance on abortion, I figured you would be a good place, sense you wont see the fetus in this story as a "clump of cells" Growing up, my dad was not okay. He was abusive. It took me years and years to say this because through all the running away and calling the police, not going home- I was told over and over that it was fine because he wasnt raping me or punching me in the face. The pushing, screaming inches from my face, tearing apart my stuff, throwing things at me, making me change in front of him, refusing to be by me in public if I didnt look good enough...didnt matter. I was told I was being ridiculous and should be greatful. My friends.. I would beg them please dont leave me alone with him if he ask you to leave the room. But they always would what were they suppose to do? I wouldnt be allowed to talk to anyone to go out for months at a time. So there was a huge foundation of fear, and protecting myself. At some point, i met this guy (brother of my friend), and I just loved him, and he loved me to. He was a POC, once we started with each other his sister hated me for some reason, which made his mom hate me. And my parents hated him (I later figured this was a race and class thing for my father) so being together involved a lot of sneaking around, a lot of giving up, a lot of trying again, the sneaking around would get me in more trouble, especially if it was known it was with him. At this point, I didnt tell anyone how bad it was, I started self mutation. If I wasnt with him (we will call him Kay for the sake of thevstory) I would do any drug I could get and have sex or mess with whoever showed interest (well almost). It was how I would cope as I didnt think I could tell anyone. How could I say anything about what I was going through when I had a friend being raped by her brother, a friend who's dad just up and left, a friend whos mom called her fat and made her diet? I was literally a wreck and the worst part of the cycle was being this wreck made him more angry, he'd treat me worse, and I'd further wreck myself. So about Kay, we went on and off for years, then he moved in with a friend who was only a street away, I wasnt at a 8-3 school anymore and he graduated do it was really easy to be together. I immediately broke up with this other guy I was seeing (we will call him Colin) that my dad liked so I would use him to be able to leave the house ect so I could be with Kay. It was only a month and a half of perfection before it started falling apart. Kay wanted to talk to my father, he didnt know what things were like except that he didnt like him. He thought he could talk to him about how much he loved me and make things better, and I freaked out. He knew I was hurting myself, a few months before my father** had saw the marks and yelled at me asking if I was crazy, asking what the hell was wrong with me, telling me it was disgusting and I stayed in a padded room for a night before being released sense I wasnt suicidal, and Kay saw on my body that I had found a new more hidden place after that incident. He thought he could save me, and we would get married and be happy, but I knew if he went to talk to my father that my father would send him off and I would pay for trying such a thing. * That's when I made multiple huge mistakes that I havent shared with people, 9 years later. First, i broke up with him and told him i didnt even like him and needed time to discover myself,stuff like that. I never stopped loving him. To this day, I'm sure I'd still fall apart at his touch. *Within that same week, I missed my period, I again wasnt able to leave the house, I bought a tested while at the store with my mom, was caught and ordered to take it as soon as we were back. This was bad because if it was negative, I was going to be in trouble for basically no reason. And again this "trouble" wasnt normal. It meant my things wouldbe torn apart. I would be held down and screamed at, spit on not allowed to talk. But it wasnt negative, it was positive. And my mom was waiting downstairs, and I knew this only had a small handful of outcomes. Either they would send me off and have me give the baby up for adoption while being under close watch the whole time, or they would make me get rid of the baby. Abortion. So I did the first thing that came to mind, I called Colin. I told him I was pregnant and it was his. And that I couldnt talk right now. Then I told my mom, and immediately told her that Colin knew. To me, this was security. If he knew, someone would be checking in on me, he would tell his parents, another adult would he involved, if I disappeared there would be questions. And I knew I was right because I told my mom he knew and immediately she was upset I did that. I went in for an ultrasound, found out how far I was, quickly gave Colin a photo and shut the door on him. And the problems started. The dates dont match up, Colin said. I told him hes wrong. His parents wanted a paternity test, I said that's not possible itll hurt the baby. They claimed it wouldnt. I convinced Colin it was his and I just knew. He knew i had been seeing Kay but took my word.Then i heard from Kay, he heard I was pregnant. If he even thought it was his he would be at my door, trying to figure things out, trying to talk to my parents. But my father would not respect him the way he would Colin, so if anyone knew it was Kay's, I would be hurt, punished, sent away. I was terrified, I cant even explain the level of panic I had for my safety. I told Kay it wasnt his, there was no single way, and to leave me alone forever. It hurt so much to tell him that, it felt so wrong and I hated it and I knew it hurt him and I was so broken over it. After that, i was still stuck. The dates didnt match, Colin's parents wanted a paternity test, *the baby was partly a POC and might not come out white, so I wouldnt be able to pass them off as Colin's. I couldnt sleep. My father wasmt speaking to me and wasnt even around, really. I stayed in my room. My parents were pushing for me to get an abortion. "Were just going to the clinic so you can see what its like" my mom said when she took me to the abortion clinic. It was down a stair case, there were no protesters. They took my blood, they walked me through everything and asked when they could set up an appointment. They asked me one time if I wanted to do this, in front of my mom who stared me down. When she brought me back, she paid extra for them to put me to sleep. While I waited with the IV and the last ultra sound pictures I'd have done, I started crying. My mom wasnt there for this part, a nurse asked me why I was crying, she was so angry about it. I said sorry and tried to stop. She didnt ask if i wanted to do this, no one told me that i was at the point where the baby was like a small miniature looking baby, only slightly misshapen. No one told me it had tiny hands and feet, or what they would do with it afterward. And no one made sure i wanted this. When I went in the room I was alone with a Male doctor, and I remember how unusual that was as I had always been asked if I wanted someone else in the room if left with a Male doctor. And I laid on the doctor bed, and I remember think I should say something, this is my last chance, and then I was asleep. When I woke up I was given pads, they told my mom, not me, even though I was 17, that I would bleed for a few days. I never went to the check up appointment. I stayed in my room, I scanned every blood clot for a piece of the baby. I slept and cried, when I heard from Colin I told him that I lost the baby. That's all. I lost the baby. People spread rumors it wasnt ever real. I didn't care. I didnt leave my room. I didnt shower, I barely ate. I gave up Kay, and all my friends connected to him, Colin started dating my bestfriend and they talked shit about me, I lost everyone connected to them. I was just alone. My father came back and was around more. They never talked to me about it, never asked if I was okay. I was like that for months, before finding friends online, forcing myself to listen to happy music, go out, pretending. Fake it till you make it. I met two people, we will call Slw and Ice- who helped me in that time more than they will ever know because they didnt know about it. Slw once asked why we didnt hang out with my friends and I got really upset with him but they both helped me so much. Ice reminded me it was okay to hurt and not be okay, he just didnt know what about. I made more friends, I am so greatful for every single one because they are the only reason I dudnt take my own life in those following years. Things got bad again. I got bad. I am better now, I have kids. People say I am a good mom. But ever sense "getting better" I think about that baby everyday. I worry life will take one of my babies that are here because I let that one die. How can I be a good mom when I let that happen? And I dont deserve them. And I am so sorry to that child. I could have found another way. I could have spoke more. That childs dad would have loved them and had no choice. I hate myself for this, every day. And again, have no where to go to talk about it. Like I said I just needed to get it off my chest because it eats me alive, everyday. Regardless of if people think abortion is right or wrong. To me, I know I got rid of a baby with a future, and its minimalized.
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*insert looong personal post with vague tmi but this is my blog so i do what i want sorry*
okay so i got back from south america like two weeks ago and it feels like forever bc its me and my life is basically Allthetimeallthetime! but thats good i like it - and anyway that was my longest trip since i was rlly little and i Missed clothes which is such a wanky thing to say but i was hiking a lot so clothing was 3 tshirts and 2 pants and all wow i can walk in this comfortably and now im back im like oh hell yeah
anyway ive both started wearing packing again (which okay side tangent i havent done since i first came out like over five years ago but also i was very much like all aesthetic choices are around passing and also was just like too fat to find skinny jeans so uhhh thats more of a uh noticable thing than it used to be) and wearing lipstick and its like oh lets both Up the masc and fem things go go
and Maybe its bc i spent a month Not having any slurs yelled at me (or at least no one yelled angrily at me in spanish bc idk what spanish queerphobia sounds like @duolingo give me the goss) Or maybe it’s bc im at uni more often than work so dont have to be conservative or Maybe it’s bc i have more performance unit and am doing more activism so im like surrounded by queer people All the time but im finally Relaxing a lil with gender
and before the climate strike we were doing lecture bashing to get kids to ditch uni and we did a quick hey my name is and my pronouns are thing and i was like they/them and you know activist groups are (usually) v chill with gender so it wasnt a big thing and literally everyone was gnc in the group and it wasn’t until after that i was like oh hey thats the first time ive done that hey
anywaaay im just generally more Chill with gender than i used to be bc ive been like yeah im nb for a Long time but also my brain just like slams the panic button of their gonna think yr a girl if you dont be a Real Man(tm) Anyway Life Goals are to at one point wear a skirt to uni But im also like i literally Have this year to do that bc then i finish my arts degree and move into masters of teaching which is not gonna be as left wing as an arts degree majoring in performance and history ya’know, and Thats another reason why i never rlly bothered to come out properly bc i was like im gonna end up using he/him for work but its been like four days of being correctly gendered and im like oh this is the good stuff right here, but im also like hmmm i rlly Cannot be out in a professional environment at this point which is Fucked but you know. i remember when i first told mum i was gonna go into teaching she was like no you’ll never get a job i wouldn’t higher a queer person (and shes a head teacher so she does actually hire teachers) and i was like wow okay glad to see that having a queer child as helped you deal with yr shit
anywaaaay i still have nearly three years before i graduate so Not really a pressing issue
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(accidental 4th cat AU) Sunfrost shifted to her paws, she was tired of laying in the medicine den. It reminded her of her first moon as kit laying next brindlekit as his life fade away from him. It also made guilt she carried from ashfur's demise heavier. The She cat needed a distraction and she could think of nothing better at this moment than providing for her clan mates. Even though her injuries still burned, she had to get out of here and hunt.
SunFrost slowly walked out of the medicine den, being greeted by the wind blowing onto her wounded body. Sparking new pains as she walked towards to end of camp without hestitation. She really couldn't care about the physical aches at this point in time, Sunfrost just needed to feel the acceptance that came from a good hunt. Maybe she could catch a big fat wagtail or maybe a squirrel? She only hoped her clanmates enjoy it.
"Sunfrost where are you going?!" A familiar voice yelled as the sound of running paws flooded Sunfrost's ears. She turned her head and felt anger begin to boil in her mind tilting her ears back as she saw Squirrelflight run to her side. She was between ashfur and Squirrelflight's size, being shorter than ashfur but taller than the ginger cat who stood beside her. She bit her lip as she tried her best not to snap at the cat who had relucantly given her life.Sunfrost had known she was unwanted when Squirrelflight had brought hollyleaf,loinblaze and jayfeather to camp moons ago. Playing with them more than she ever had Sunfrost and giving them much more attention even though she was Squirrelflight's actual kit. However Sunfrost could have forgiven her for that, Sunfrost would have forgiven her for that if she hadn't force Sunfrost to spend less time with Ashfur. Ashfur possible never would have done what he had a few days ago if Squirrelflight had just let her spend more time with her own father and hollyleaf wouldnt had felt the need to kill him. That was something Sunfrost could ot forgive easily so seeing squirrel flight rush to her side was unnerving.
"I'm going hunting" Sunfrost said trying to hold back the bitterness in her tone as the she cat's eyes widened with worry.
"You cant go hunting you haven't fully recovered from the rogue attack!"Squirrelflight said trying to put her tail on Sunfrost's back only for it to be swatted away by the bigger cat. Sunfrost looked away from Squirrelflight and continued walking slowly towards the camp exit. Squirrelflight followed shortly behind her. Sunfrost couldn't see why Squirrelflight was trying to stop her, if she could walk she could hunt.
"please Sunfrost go back to the medicine den. You can hunt when you're fully healed"Squirrelflight said desperation clear in her voice has Sunfrost tried to ignore her,"I'm begging you I don't want to lose you Sunfrost!"
"liar"Sunfrost hissed quietly as she stopped. Biting her lip again as she felt tears in her eyes, she knew if starclan didnt want her alive why would Squirrelflight? Why would the she cat who replaced her after brindlekit died care if she was alive or dead? Squirrelflight had 3 other cats who called her mom that she absolutely adored so why would she want the kit she left for them anyway. The she cat had to be lying.
"wh-what Sunfrost?" Squirrelflight said pausing shortly behind her, worried as her daugther's body was starting to shake in place.
Sunfrost took a deep breath before wiping her head towards Squirrelflight and saying clearly and in a madden tone,"Liar! You're lying! I know you don't care! So dont you dare try too!"
"Sunfrost of-"Squirrelflight tried to plead taking a step back but was quickly cut off.
"You havent cared about me since the day brindle kit died! I was never what you wanted why else would you never be there when I needed you!" Sunfrost said tears streaming down her muzzle as she fully turned towards Squirrelflight,"Why else would I be shoved away for 3 new kits at only 3 moons old and yet being taken away from the only parent I had while you were gone! I was just a tool for you wasnt I? a kit sitter? Or something to break ashfur even more!?"
"Sunfrost I never meant to-" squirrelflight tried to stay as her daughter stepped closer and she stepped back.
"Never meant to what have me or lose the kit you actually cared about? because its pretty clear to me I have never been important to you." Sunfrost hissed, still crying and shaking even worse now. She didnt want to recongize the look in Squirrelflight's eyes, the sadness and worry laced in them just has Ashfur's eyes had been when she told him she couldn't talk to him anymore or hollyleaf's eyes when she had attacked Sunfrost days ago. The heart break which you could only see in a cat's eyes. She took deep breathes giving Squirrelflight the chance to defend all the actions she had made in Sunfrost's life.
"I never meant to hurt you Sunfrost" Squirrelflight said slowly putting her paw on the other she cat's paw," I had no idea I was making you feel unwanted or that I had wanted brindlekit to survive instead of you. If I had known you felt this way sooner I would have tried to help you know that you are wanted and T wasn't replacing you with them. I was just trying to keep you safe and I have never tried to hurt you"
#accidental 4th cat AU#Sunfrost#Squirrelflight#warriors cats#warriors cats au#yes thats firestar and graystripe#i started crying near the end of this
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Schmidt/“Doug” from 21 Jump Street
I’ve enjoyed the humor of the movie that I even made it to the sequel but watching Schmidt ruins the entire thing for me. I woulndt have really cared about him tbh. But the movie revolves around him giving him the most attention even though he’s never improved as a person and all he does is show what a toxic person he is. Hes the one who gets some girl and the one who gets an asspull to defeat their enemies so he’s obviously the main protagonist here. Jenko is just a scambait they used to get people to watch this retarded show. And why do I seem to be a Schmidt hater?
Delusional fuck
I mean seriously. Everyone shits on Jenko for looking too old for a high schooler but what about Schmidt? Just because hes fat doesn’t mean he looks young. Look at how all those kids around them look like. Schmidt is extremely insecure, which was really blatant in the movie but he’s also socially retarded aspie who actually thinks hes still a teenager and thinks he can actually be friends friends these 16-18 yrs olds who has no idea about his real identity. Dude, you’re in your mid 20s, these kids havent even gone to college, how much of a pathetic sad fuck you can be? Lets also not ignore the fact that he was dating one of these highschoolers which was disturbing..
Friend who abandons you
He was a total jerk to his bestfriend Jenko. Schimdt got a lot of confidence from being validated by the popular kids, i love that he thinks his high school self would also have been popular just because of his values (caring about the environment and being sensitive) but has he forgotten how he looked like back in high school? He was an eminem wannabe and even had the rapper’s mettalic teeth jewelry or whatever the fuck they call it. He looked like a total reject and is no way anything like the popular kids. Yet he acts like a conceited popular kid trashtalking Jenko and his nerdy friends saying they’re lame and shit. What happened to being a nerd in high school? Didnt he know what it feels like to be an outcast? And for the backstory, jenko didn’t really bully him when they were in high school. They just didnt get along. But now Schmidt acts like a total asshole the whole time just because hes prioritizing his new high school life and don’t wanna be bothered about their investigation. Hes completely retarded its was so fucking annoying to watch especially if you care about the crime plot/action aspect of the movie and not about Schmidt’s unresolved teenage insecurity
Strangely popular in highschool but an outcast in college
I thought he would actually have been emotionally mature in 22 Jump Street since their new assignment wouldnt be about dealing with highschoolers but I was wrong. I was so wrong. He was seen in this movie as the guy who looks too old for a college freshman so it doesnt make sense to me how did he even pass as a highschooler.
The clingy obsessed gf
Being a retarded faggot he is, he was being really clingy to Jenko ‘cause ‘he didn’t want to do the job separately’ but did he forget how he acted in 21 jump street? Jenko wasn’t even an ass to him. Schmidt cant just keep up with the jocks because he’s fat and obese and acts like a pussy. Its retarded for him to keep on wanting to work together when at the same time he doesnt want to do it. What does he want then? He just wants Jenko to stop hanging out with the fratboys yet he had the audacity to call Jenko ‘selfish’. Schmidt is selfish as fuck and his mind revolves around him, his wants and his feelings. He doesnt even care about the investigation. Hes a fucking narc
Guilt tripper
Because Schmidt thinks hes always right and just want to argue with Jenko all the time, eventually Jenko was done with Schmidt’s bullshit and told him that he feels like he brings him down. Which was true btw, Schmidt was incredibly toxic, he was the obsessive clingy toxic gf who bombards you with texts after texts (Schmidt actually did this in the movie) and then yells at you make you feel like the bad guy all the time. And how did he respond when he learned about how Jenko feels? He guilt trips the fuck out of him, making Jenko feel bad like its Jenko’s fault that Schmidt is a loser who cant survive college
a baby whos been pampered too much
He makes it look like its Jenko’s fault why he’s alone on his 30th bday like why does he had to be alone? Why don’t he get a gf then. Let me guess his obese and 40 yr old appearance doesnt help and the only reason why he got a girl and the whole movie is about some fat faggot’s fanfic. Why was he acting like a bitter incel that Jenko wasn’t there when hes the one who ruined their investigation by being a pussy (how is he even a cop?) and he left Jenko guilt tripping him before they part ways. Hes so used to being pampered by people around him (like his mom which was very obvious) that he feels entitled for everything including Jenko
Schmidt is probably the worst and most annoying character I’ve ever seen. Jump street had the potential to be great, the jokes were funnny. I dont know why they couldnt just get an equally good partner for jenko and create a better story line. Probably bcuz the story is a fanfic by an obese faggot. No wonder why the 3rd film was never made. Everyone is just tired of Schmidt hes making the movie unbearable to watch. I ended up dropping 22 jump street and the last thing i saw there was Schmidt being pwned by a woman. Theres a lot of action movies out there that didnt have to involve an insecure faggot and or something like Hot Fuzz which is way way better and funnier
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Having an ED is sometimes like riding a bike.
Every time I fall.
I fall a bit deeper.
I fall a bit faster.
And I fall a bit harder.
Things I thought I was "over" and didn't retain come back like I just picked up the habit yesterday.
Counting...I'm sorry...OBSESSING OVER every calorie comes so naturally. And I even remember the numbers to safer foods that I allow when I fall.
Idk how long this fall will last.
My normal trick of watching pro-recovery stuff is just triggering me more because i don't fit the stereotype of "sick enough" (I even took a "what is your ED" test and it says I am normal, because some answers were on the binge side and some answers were on the anorexia side so I just end up in the middle, eh?)
I'm fat and disgusting. I havent showered or looked in a mirror in weeks. I can't bare the thought of it.
It is so crazy. I'm still able to wear clothes i wore in high school. But no-one knows that the reason why is because I go through weeks of starving myself. And weeks of binging.
I just wish i was consistent. And I just wish that my brain turned to a healthier alternative. But even though I KNOW the science behind the healthier methods and alternatives. This is my vice. My coping mechanism.
My first thought wasn't "I'm fat I should eat healthier".
It was "I'm fat. I should be anorexic"
Which is already fucked.
But now I'm stuck in the never ending cycle of "I'm not perfect I should starve" "my life is out of control I should control everything that goes in me" "I'm worthless/not enough...I would be less so if I skipped food today."
My brain tells me to skip. But then my brain tells me to eat. But then my brain yells at me for eating because I shouldn't eat overt fats. The fat you eat is the fat you wear. But you're stressed. Eat some french fries you'll feel better. But you shouldn't have eaten that you fat fuck. You have no control and that is why you fail everything you try because you don't stick to what you say. But go easy on yourself. But not THAT easy.
Walk.
Walk some more.
Oh you're tired? You've been up and serving since six am? Walk some more. You didn't burn more calories than you ate.
I've literally gotten to the point I'm tracking all activity. Praying that I burn at least half of what I intake for the day. But I am drained because I end up not feeling like it is enough unless i have burned off almost everything I've eaten.
Who cares that that amount is well below my bmr. I could do this for WEEKS and not feel the effects because I have fat stores enough to last for a year.
Inside I'm screaming that I wish someone would care enough to stop me. To notice.
But they take my reply platitudes that I am fine and not starving myself. My eating in front of them. My liking of food. To mean that I am fine
When I lose weight I get congratulations on being healthier.
I thought it was about weight.
It is on the surface.
But I never feel adequate enough in my day to day life. I don't feel deserving of more that tragedy. I'm not good enough for people to care or for recovery. Because I am not even good enough to stop self destructing. Or to self destruct faster.
I'm just in limbo. Riding this bycicle on a tightrope. Crying out for someone to notice. But they won't.
Not until it is too late.
Because I need to be the perfect child.so i can't ask for help.
I can't show that I'm struggling. They would worry about me and then I would feel guilty.
And so the saga continues...
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Reflections of the Deep Sense of Self
well, i dont really have an audience except for a handful of mutuals and the many porn bots that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how hard i try but i am still gonna use this platform to voice out my thoughts since i have too many of them and i feel like i might drown if i don't talk about them.
i dont necessarily think that i am a person that is easily swayed by men, i was able to emotionally control myself quite effectively in my youth.
my first crush was simply a pick from the crowd to stop my friends nagging about who it was. i just observed the crowd and picked the most likely to not interact with my sort and said "him, he is so cute!" hoping that my friends wouldn't see through my facade. i didn't want to like anyone just because of their looks but I had quite literally not spoken to the male sort in my entire life (not including men I am related to, I was in all girl private school before I moved to America's public system) to develop an interest in them in a romantic or infatuated way even.
now this is just my introduction to my philosophical essay about whether hurt/ mentally ill people are inherently evil but I must admit that this was started because of other reasons. we might not even get to touch on that either, i tend to ramble and not get to the point effectively.
if you followed me long enough you would know that I was talking to a man I might've called Viking. but we do not talk anymore after I made my feelings clear to him.
i feel many things, most of the time, its anger, the other times, confusion, hurt, rejection..etc. but I do not blame him. mostly because, i am quite annoying as a human being.
one of the things i took to as a way to distract me from the pain, was reading. i read so much that it was impossible to feel anything except the emotions that I was told to through a page. but in between books I would have nights where i wouldnt be able to focus on the words, and I would ponder what was it i did wrong, what was it that made him deem me worthless, not worth responding to. and I would come up blank because my self-preservation wont allow me believe that because I made my intentions clear that I was in the wrong to do so when I feIt that our relationship was taking the wrong turn. if I am allowed to call it a relationship, because quite frankly it was a level below a situationship and a level above a friendship. that I was quite sure of.
as I sit here and write after almost two months of silence from his end and mine, because I refuse to be the one to break it. call it pride, call it stubbornness, I was not the one to ghost the other. i refuse to chase after someone who clearly does not want me. but still can't deny that I lay in bed every night at some godforsaken hours of the night wishing, and hoping that he would just take a step towards me. as I had done to him that one Wednesday afternoon in April.
my point is that my interest in men started out of necessity but it has evolved into a yearning of something that seems quite unattainable. i am not attractive by any means, but I am not of the ugliest sort. i have seen people with more weight with worse features than I with partners who could care less about appearances. which to say that my looks shouldn't be any good reason to ghost me. and while I don't necessarily think that my appearance was the reason for the silence I do struggle with the way l look so my insecurities have found a very good home in the found silence from him. i am working on losing weight out of a bet with friends but also out of bitterness but nevertheless, he is a man and if he wont block me than he must see what he is missing out on.
but again, I used to think I would never be that girl. the one who wanted something but she cant have it. which is quite the diabolical because the entirety of the 11 months we talked I had many panic/ anxiety attacks over how our appearances didn't match, our aesthetics weren't compatible, about how I was too ugly for him or too fat for him. but he seemed the sort that was straightforward and didnt waste other peoples times. i guess i was wrong in the sense that he kept me around because he was bored and disposed of me when it got too serious for his liking. i thought i always had the upperhand, that if things ended i wouldnt be too hurt about it and do what i do best, find the next boy to obsess over.
funny enough, he seemed interested. but i cant know for sure. i mightve made it up in my head.
i have a fear, which shouldnt be a fear but it is. remember how i said that my first crush was out of necessity? well that seems to be the case with me from 7th grade to the end of highschool. which is crazy because you would think with all the men i obsess over that i would find men attractive. i think there is a clear line between celebrities and fiction characters from a real person with undeliberate faults and thing you cant control.
i never thought any of my crushes were ugly, they were good looking but they didnt make me feel attracted to them. it didnt help that i was also the type to watch from a far and not the get close and comfortable.
considering this my first person that i liked and held an 11 months conversation/-ship with i think i did very good but that doesnt change that i read too many romantic book and i had a silver of hope.
a silver of hope that maybe i wasnt weird or shitty for not feeling attracted to anyone in my life. that i finally found someone who literally embodied my dream guy and couldnt have been more perfect. if only he was better at communicating.
he says that he is traumatized from long distance relationships, i now understand that it mightve been his fault. he doesnt communicate. in the 11 months we have known each other i know about a handful of things about him while he had me all figured out. except for one thing. he never got my fear of relationships. since i suspect he ghosted me because he thought i would want one. i guess ghosting me seemed like his best option.
i might not be undesireable but i am not anyone's first choice either. usingmedia to distract me from my emotions literally has become my life. i read about 15 hockey romances the weeks after the ghosting. i was already reading regency era adult romances but i couldnt bring myself to finish them because i had spoken to him about them. this decision i will regret because i talked about everything with him. i mentioned this before. quite literally everything reminds me of him. and its quite sad because i cant evn ssay what we had was special. i decided yesterday that he wasnt worth all of this, and i know he isnt. but i am tired. i just want to be dessired and wanted.
i literally stopped reading a book because the male interest did the same thing that he did to me, essentially to the female protag. i cant even pick up the raunchy adult romance.
i didnt let my self feel the extent of my emotions, only in small slivers of despair, or when i am too tired to pretend that his actions didnt affect me.
he was perfect in all ways but one and i was all faults except for one; my immenient need to communicate.
and no one knows, a friend of mine knows, but they dont know everything, i dont want her to get annoyed with me. i was in her place too many times and i refuse to put her through that. and our mutual friends?
hahahahaha the other night i was speaking with S, and he said that the last time he spoke to him, he mentioned me and Viking said 'oh i havent spoken to her in a while' thats it. no explaination no excuse. i dont even know why that infuriated me. i wasnt even worth an explaination in his eyes. S barely found out via vague summary from me. because even though i was/am hurt. i refuse to tarnish his reputation. 'in a while' ????? you mean two months? but then again S couldnt remember the last time he talked to him. but like still?
forget that we were flirting constantly i thought i was friend at least. i deserve more than this. i think. maybe not then.
i want to scream and shout and hit him and cry about why he didnt want me. but i realize thats self depricating. i should never seek validation from a man, i know but it wouldnt fucking hurt fam.
i have so much to say and yet i feel like its already too much. i should keep quiet. thats what people want from me. for someone who is 'boy crazy' i have not stomached going on a dating app, or boy watching in public because it physically hurts. for gods sake i cant even read fanfiction or just READ because of it. any sight of anything merely romantic makes me want to yell. i am tired and i want to turn everything off. including my stupid rat brain that only seems to be attracted to assholes.
but the same fucking stupid brain cant help but hope that is our enemies to lovers story. one day... god i hope one day...
#halie#i...dont even know anymore#thoughts#quite literally all the thing i want to say and i have much more#halie thoughts#i feel like crying#the other mutual friend is my best friend who introduced us in the first place and she was very flip floppy about the whole thing#i dont know whether shell say i told you sso or comfort me#quite frankly i dont know which i want or prefer#both options will make me histerical#i already am#i feel very dumb
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deep breath remember when i said this would take me 5mins nevermind i wrote for an hour
tl;dr burmecian dragoon frately and his adopted hume daughter kipcha are hunters that speak several languages but speak french to each other. there’s a dog and a falcon involved that are kipcha’s weird pets. burmecians are an extinct race aside from frately after they defended marginalized groups across ivalice and slowly died off. kipcha and reddas probably have a Thing. kipcha yells at al-cid in rozarrian bc he owes her money cuz she was hired to spy with her multilingual skills before getting thrown into prison and recently broken out by the time the xii-timeline is close to an end , pre-pharos.
ok wheremst do i start with these two i’ll try to. keep it short.
SPOILER I DIDNT KEEP IT SHORT
kipcha is a hume in her late 20′s who is a huntress. she has a dog and a falcon has a pet. she lives in the mountains, i headcanon somewhere in rozarria, with her weird dad frately.
frately is , quite frankly, a ripoff of sir frately from ffix. like basically he is a burmecian. but in ivalice-verse, i headcanon burmecias/cleyrans as an extinct race. long long lonnnng ago, burmecians used to be protectors of sorts, of the downtrodden or endangered. they are dragoons so they slayed a lotta dragons threatening their land and the land of others. they were all around a super amazing good race of creatures. the viera, especially, consider themselves heavily indebted to them. many many years ago the burmecians defended eruyt from an attack from some force (i havent figured it out yet, either humes or wyrms) and thus helped build the barriers in golmore now.
so in ffxii timeline, when fran sees frately, and frankly--when any viera sees frately, the only burmecian they’ve seen in many many many years (as they were rumored to be wiped out in some war)--she removes her helmet and bows her head in respect. bc even though the viera that he sees have left the wood, they still owe their lives to burmecians and there’s a deep respect for them as well as a quiet shock as to how he is alive. not sure if he’s the only burmecian who survived; i imagine there are others but perhaps he is looking for them
somewhere in the timeline after eruyt was defended long long ago, another attack on a village happened, a hume town in rozarria. savages were tearing through it, raping and pillaging and burning it to the ground. burmecians fought to eliminate the threat and save the people, but many were slain in their efforts. THE BURMECIANS WERE VERY BUSY FULL-TIME DEFENDERS OF ALL. they never slept. there was always shit to save. kipcha was a toddler at the time and her whole family was murdered, and frately saved her before hiding them both in the woods. maybe just about every burmecian was wiped out (idfk i really dont have it worked out in a timeline). basically, frately adopted kipcha, at a very young age. she was probably like 3. after that attack, they were both alone. he decided he’d take care of her.
fast forward and now kipcha is 20something and she hunts around ivalice with her weird dad. they have a giant big-ass cabin they both built on some lonely mountain and she doesnt get to talk to humans much. but she has her birb and her doggo and likes to kill shit with her dad.
also frately speaks in a heavy french accent because i said so, and bc i headcanon burmecians as generally speaking french, also bc i created him as an OC in high school when i was learning french, also bc i do what i want and french is a language in ivalice altho it probably isnt called french it just sounds french. basically its a dead language its probably what the burmecians spoke.
anyway they speak that to each other. she taught herself the main ivalician tongue and bugged him to learn it too. she doesnt speak with an accent but he’s lazy and old so he has a heavy one. also she speaks rozarrian and landisian and galtaean (what i headcanon as english i guess. she learned a lot of languages by books and travel and when she does meet other humes she loves to talk to them to test out her skills. she is very clever like that. languages come easily to her.
hmmm so anyway
reddas took over balfonheim 2 years pre-game. and there was an assassination attempt to get rid of him as he tried to make all these changes in balfonheim since he cleaned a lot of it up. well, there was an attempt at an attempt for murder, at least.
y’see, kipcha and frately were in balfonheim on a hunt and it was their first visit there. kipcha overheard two men talking in a foreign language no one could speak while in a bar, and understood they were trying to plot against reddas. she didnt know who reddas was but she’s literally so catty and didnt like how they looked at her so she snitched. basically she saved reddas’ life cuz it ended up being a huge plot to kill him.
from then on kipcha got on reddas’ good side but was labeled a snitch by others. she doesn’t really care tho, but sometimes it grates her. lots of people call frately a rat bc of how he looks as a burmecian, and because of him partnering with kipcha to snitch, but i dont think the namecallers understand how tall he is cuz when he stands up from his barstool he is literally like almost seven feet tall he is so tall dude.
kipcha is average like 5′6″ or something but frately is gigantic. he used to give her piggyback rides and jump around when she was a kid and she squealed in delight but he calls her too fat now (she isnt, but he teases her). kipcha is very sassy, outgoing, and mislabeled as “confident” when really she has no concept of how to act in public since she is never around people so she’s generally just a loud weirdo. she carries her dog around in her arms and ppl are like “omg is ur dog ok” and shes like “he’s fine i just like carrying him around like a baby” . she has a bird, a falcon named [redacted (im honestly so embarrassed by a lot of this)], she flies around sometimes and brings kipcha things like dead rats and random rings. kip has a bohemian sort of style about her and wears a bunch of shit the bird finds.
because kipcha can speak a lot of languages she was then hired by al-cid to do some spying for something or other, shortly after the reddas stint, as word got out about her. she did the job, and got the info back to al-cid, but she got caught and imprisoned. frately broke her out but it took over a year to figure it out. i also headcanon that the bird steals al-cid’s glasses in xii timeline during his brief stint in balfonheim.
kipcha and frately are coined “fire ‘n ice” by most folks who are fond of them. kipcha is very hotheaded and loud. she is also a redhead. frately being of pallor skin and white hair and quiet temperament is therefore ice. whenever frately is embarrassed by her she likes to remind him he raised her and he likes to respond “i had nothing to do with this” in a very french accent.
so reddas hasn’t seen her for over a year and a half before she shows up in the xii-timeline, broken out of prison, growing her hair out cuz they buzzed it off, and demanding money from al-cid bc he never paid her, but in his defense she was in prison.
kip and frate show up late in-game and that’s the first time reddas sees her since she saved him, essentially i. sort of maybe ship her with reddas? but more like a “they totally banged once and she’s obviously nuts about him and clambers on his back and curls his sideburns around her finger while whispering in french in his ear” she’s honestly hilarious and frately facepalms a lot. frately and fran hang out. kipcha goes on a hunt with vaan and penelo and they becomes bff’s. hmmm. yeah anyway they show up late in-game to help with a hunt or an esper or like, they need kipcha and frately’s translating knowledge for something or other. idk kipcha is just happy to be out of prison and eating oysters and petting her dog. by the time she shows up in balfonheim ingame she’s probably been out of prison for a few months. oh no this got so long im sorry i think abt them every day they live in my head
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