#i havent had this bad dysphoria in like a year

[wings-of-angels]

Oh no big mistake to have looked at my reflection in the glass door in the kitchen </3 my gender dysphoria just skyrocketted :(

#normally i have very little dysphoria. like some mild discomfort and feeling of strangeness at having a chest and not looking like a boy #but OH MY GOD this is horrible #i just realised my shirt shows my collerbones and it looks feminine and you can see where the shirt is stretched cos of my chest and #HHHHHFHFHHJFHJJJ #i want to look like a boy :( why arent i a boy #like ik im a boy (gender neutral) #but :(( #i need to go on testosterone and get top surgery #only another 2 months and then i can start the process of testosterone #but just #i hate this i hate the feeling of wrongness i hate how i can feel my shirt against my chest and ik its there #i havent had this bad dysphoria in like a year #i just :(( #vent tw #vent #and my binders too small and my chest hurts after wearing it so i cant wear that

[southernvampire]

uterus has been yeeterused

#so i had a hysterectomy about two weeks ago and it's insane how much better i feel not only physically but mentally #i havent felt this in tune with my body since i was a kid #i finally feel like im on the path to how i want my body to be like and i never understood just how much i was affected by #both gender dysphoria and physical disease (endometriosis) until i got almost everything removed in there #im solidly sure im nonbinary now instead of having conflicting feelings about it #i feel much better about expressing my strange femininity and being perceived as feminine #i feel more spiritual too?? idk how to describe it #im just confused a little about why this had such a big impact on me since yeah it did give me dysphoria to a degree but i didnt think it #was THAT bad #i feel more in tune with my child self; like i feel like a grown up version of my 9 year old self and more confident #my mind is much calmer and i just feel so present and one with my body. i finally feel like i could meditate comfortably withouf wanting to #escape my mind or body?? idk idk it's so so weird #anyway im also in much less pain despite not being able to do much of anything and still healing from surgery #and i know that having this done isnt a cure but god i hope i get lucky and that the endo doesnt come back anyway #it's amazing to be able to love my body instead of being mad at it because it causes me pain and does things that i dont want it to #idk if that's a fully healthy mindset or not but that #that's what's been going on in my life so far

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

mewhen i

#im feelin. so awesome #i think. its because i have not eaten since breakfast. and ive gone on two hour-long walks. #during one of which i got soaking fucking wet in the rain #idk #feelin. bad #might b going 2 the zoo with my grandma tomorrow if it doesnt rain surely that will make me feel better #<< guy who is ashamed to show their face at the zoo bc ive gotten turned down by jobs there twice now and oh god what if they recognize me #its fine. j would like 2 see the sharks. i havent seen them in like 2 years now #sigh. i would like a hug. real bad #i dont even know what it is this time im just. sigh #im tired. im exhausted. ive officially spent too much time at home #bc ive started referring to myself as a girl again both out loud and in my head out of instinct and that just does shit to the dysphoria #i knewww this was coming. the last like. 2 or 3 days ive felt ok abt where im at in life it had 2 come crashing down eventually #as in. rn #aaughghhh #i dont want 2 vent im not going 2 vent i refuse 2 vent #i will instead be screaming into a pillow and crying while i fold stupid laundry and listen to music too loud #delete later

[angelcatsiel]

Keep seeing posts like ‘why the fuck are people watching The Winchesters’ meanwhile I’m over here having watched it twice, my old special interest is back and I am having the BEST time

#personal #i gotta admit the ole rejection dysphoria is struggling #seeing a lot of negativity #mostly from people who havent watched it #ive always been really bad with that when my special interests are involved #had a sobbing breakdown 2 years ago when my bf didnt like enter shikari lmao #it still hurts just as much as it used to but #ive gotten better at coping and i can move past it quicker now #so im getting better! #the hard part is not letting it convince me to hate the show #when i am actually enjoying it

[kitgundy]

DYSPHORIA

Mom, do you know how much of a nightmare it is?

Looking down at my body and feeling like something’s wrong

Looking back and examining and reexamining my past thoughts, my past beliefs

Realizing I’m a boy and no matter how much I try to deny it I always have been

I’m a boy. I’m a boy, <DEADNAME> isn’t a boy name. I’m not a FUCKING SHE. I AM NOT A SHE AND MY NAME ISNT <DEADNAME> PLEASE GOD JUST STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THOSE THINGS YOU TELL ME TO STOP TELLING YOU TO STOP, YOU TELL ME IT HURTS YOU WHEN I TELL YOU TO STOP, YOU SAY ITS BECAUSE OF MY TONE WHEN I TELL YOU BUT IT HAS BEEN FUCKI YEARS AND YOU HAVENT EVEN TRIED DO YOU KNOW HOW MCH THAT HURTS ME?

I can’t even explain how tiring it is that you look at me and you don’t see me for who I am. You see a girl who doesn’t know herself. You see a stupid little girl who is following a trend. IF YOU REALLY KNEW ME YOU WOULD KNOW I DONT FUCKING FOLLOW TRENDS MOM!!!! It isn’t a fucking phase! I thought I was just non-binary and I told you back then. And I wish I hadn’t, because I was still confused about what I was and I went about it aggressively and that isn’t how you tell people how you really feel because then they’ll never believe you.

You will never believe me when I tell you who I am. I don’t know if I hate you for it or if I can just ignore it so I can still love you. It’s both. I have to ignore the way you see me so I can love you in a way that works. I hate when you talk about me to other people because I know the words you will speak, I know the name you will use, and I try to brace myself but it still hurts more every fucking time.

God, I wish I was just born a boy. I wish I was born and raised like a boy. I wish I had a dick. I wish I had a deep voice. I wish I had facial hair, I want to look at myself in the mirror, I want to look in the mirror and not see a stranger looking back at me.

I don’t know what to do. Whenever I try to explain what I want to be (a gender non conforming guy but also just some guy), you butt in and say “why not be a gender non conforming girl?”

BECAUSE I TRIED THAT AND IT DIDNT WORK. I LOVE MYSELF AND I LOVE MY BODY BUT I AM ALSO IN THE WRONG BODY AND THERES MEDICAL WAYS TO FIX THAT BUT IF I TRY TO DO THAT UNDER YOUR ROOF I AM TWRRIFIED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN TO ME. And GOD I am terrified of doing the medical treatments too, because I am one bad politician away from my entire life being ruined when I do go on those. There’s already a lot of states I cannot safely go to or live in. I can’t fucking visit my grandmother in Florida because I am TERRIFIED of how I would be treated there. I am TERRIFIED of the politics there.

And yeah, sure, maybe I wouldn’t visit that grandmother anyway, sue me. I know there’s gotta be somewhere you got your beliefs from and I’m willing to bet it’s not just the church, but also her. God I hope it’s her and not just you absorbing the church’s ideals like a sponge, because I KNOW you’re smarter than that. And I KNOW childhood beliefs can be challenged and changed, but there’s a sinking feeling in my heart that it isn’t just childhood beliefs. There’s a sinking feeling that that church is part of why you’re not a safe space for me.

And I am so scared, because I know when I move out, I am going to double down. I’m a man. I’m a boy. I always have been. I always will be. I don’t know how to explain it, you try to explain why you’re a woman without saying it’s because of your body. Tell me why your spirit is a woman without saying “I don’t know”. What exactly is your connection with womanhood?

I’ll tell you my connection with manhood. When I was a little kid, I didn’t think about this stuff. But I thought it would be REALLY cool to do things in a boy way. I tried and failed multiple times to stand up to pee, just to prove I could. I didn’t even really care about the stereotypes, I just thought it’d be cool to be a boy.

I remember years later, I was sitting in front of the old TV, staring at the screen after starting a new save on Pokémon Ruby. I was wondering if I should pick the boy option. Part of me REALLY wanted to pick the boy option.

But I was scared. Why was I scared? Had my mind already been poisoned with subconscious hatred, even at such a young age? I don’t know. I just know when I heard someone nearby, I picked the girl option- out of FEAR. Part of me KNEW I shouldn’t pick the boy option. Part of me KNEW I shouldn’t even be thinking about it.

I didn’t think about these things back then, didn’t realize being a boy was an option- in fact, I thought it was dangerous. I considered myself boyish, sure. I wasn’t a tomboy, but tomboy fit what I thought I was, I thought I was a girl who felt weirdly.. boy.

My breasts started to grow. I had been excited for them at first, but when they actually grew, I hated them. I didn’t know why. I just wanted to hide them. I wanted them gone. I was excited, so why was I feeling like this?

Why did I hate the way my body was changing?

Must just be normal puberty, right? Everyone hates their bodies changing like this. And besides, the breasts came with periods, and periods suck. So maybe I was just hating puberty as a whole.

The feeling didn’t go away. It just got worse and worse and worse.

I grew up. And then I found out what trans means. And then I did research. And then I picked a fight with you, telling you I’m non-binary.

Because that’s what I thought I was. I had never had time to really think about it, after all. I wasn’t a girl, but I couldn’t be a boy, right? “Boys are gross and ugly and annoying and I don’t want to be that so I can’t be a boy. Besides, trans is too strong of a word for what I feel,” that’s what I thought.

And time went on. And I matured. And I realized that, yes, I am a boy. A girlish boy, maybe, a genderfuck boy who wants to wear dresses AND suits, but he will NEVER be recognized as a boy when he does wear a dress because his body doesn’t match his soul.

The more I grow, the more I realize:

My body wasn’t meant for me and I wasn’t meant for this body.

My voice in my head is lower than how it comes out. My face itches for lack of facial hair, my whole body itches for lack of hair. Long hair feels suffocating, blinding. I can’t even bear to look at my chest anymore, can barely bear to touch it.

And it HURTS every time I look in the mirror, every time I speak.

But not NEARLY as much as it hurts to hear that name.

I chose the name Kris because it was convenient. <DEADNAME> and Kris both start with a K. They’re both four letters. And, unlike <DEADNAME>, NOBODY is going to say the name Kris wrong, and nobody is gonna SEE the name Kris and assume it’s a girl’s name.

I chose the name Kris, and my pronouns fluctuated, but my name stayed the same. For TWO YEARS it stayed the same.

And yet you still keep calling me <DEADNAME>. You keep calling me a DAUGHTER. You keep calling me a SHE.

It HURTS.

And honestly? I wish you just wouldn’t call for me at all at this point.

I love you. But I can only handle you in small amounts, and only when we’re alone, because when you talk about me, you use words that drive straight into my soul.

I am not a FUCKING girl.

Girls are awesome. They’re great. Girls are beautiful, and wonderful, and I love girls.

It’s just.. I’m not one. I never was.

And I don’t know how you can’t see that.

Don’t you remember? The times when I was a kid, when I would try to stand up to pee? Don’t you know how much I wished to be a brother too? I made being the only daughter my personality, but that’s because I didn’t know I could be anything else.

Didn’t you see how much I tried to reject femininity?

One day, I said I hate the color pink. I said I hate it with a passion, I spat vicious vitriol at such a pretty color.

I was wearing a pink jacket.

Years later, I look back and I see a confused, hurting.. I’m not sure what I was.

Honestly.. I don’t think I was a boy then. I mean, I was ALWAYS a boy deep down, but at the time, I didn’t KNOW that, and I was trying REALLY HARD to just be a girl but not like other girls(?), so I’m not really sure what I was then.

I just know I wasn’t a girl. And some part of me deep down knew that, and was VICIOUSLY attacking everything feminine I did and liked in an attempt to distance myself from it all.

I hate that you can’t recognize that.

I love you, and I love the name <DEADNAME>, it’s such a nice name, really. I love women, they’re so wonderful and deserving of all the best (deserving of much better than society gives them, really).

But I’m not <DEADNAME>. I’m not your daughter, I’m not a she.

I will probably burst into tears if you ever call me your son. And I am TERRIFIED. Because I KNOW you will take that the wrong way, use it as yet another reason I’m just confused.

I’m not. I think YOURE confused.

You tell me statistics aren’t good to use but good GOD, the statistics I use are REAL. They’re from STUDIES. If you can’t use real FUCKING numbers, what the hell else are you supposed to do?

I don’t know what to do. It hurts more to talk to you every day because it’s getting worse and worse the longer I spend in a body that doesn’t fit with a voice that doesn’t match, and YOU aren’t helping.

I’m so, so tired of being seen as something I’m not. I’m so tired of fantasizing and dreaming about being seen for who I am and then being reminded that wouldn’t be safe.

I’m tired of you. I love you, but you make me so, so tired.

So forgive me if I got too snappish when I corrected you. Holding in the corrections is only serving to hurt me, and I don’t feel safe around you anymore.

Honestly, I doubt I ever did.

I don’t remember the last time I had a genuine conversation with you that ended where you understood me. You look at me and you see this wayward child, this lost sheep. You don’t try to understand ME, you only try to make me understand YOU.

Well, guess what? I am an ADULT HUMAN MAN. Your god will NEVER be mine, he has HURT ME. I’m not a sixteen year old trapped in a nineteen year old body, I am NINETEEN and AUTISTIC. I'm not maturing the way you thought I would because school and everything in my life burnt me out and people hurt me, so I didn’t get to emotionally mature when I should have, and I’m picking up the pieces left behind by that trauma now but that doesn’t mean I’m not an adult. I still feel too overwhelmed by the world to live on my own but I am an ENTIRE ADULT and you need to REALIZE that. I know I’m still young and stupid, but that doesn’t make me not an adult. YOU NEED TO LOOK AT ME AND SEE AN ADULT.

Oh, and on your religion? I’m not a lost sheep, I am a WOLF who will EAT your Shepard.

Because I was a blue sheep.

I was a blue sheep who was painted pink, and the flock said “Our Shepard loves you no matter what color you are!”

But when I showed my colors, the flock turned away. Averted their eyes and avoided me.

And you did too.

And that shepard never said a word to me, never even noticed when I was left behind.

The meaner ones in the flock even called me a wolf. So you know what I did? I grew fangs.

You know what? Part of me wants to bite you- that is to say, to keep correcting you. You take that as a bite? Fine. I will fucking bite, until you bleed enough that you decide enough is enough.

You can choose whether you distance yourself from me or actually start referring to me by my name, by my pronouns. You can respect me or you can leave.

I don’t care.

I hate you. I love you, but I hate you so much.

I don’t even hate you, actually. I’m just hurt. I’m so hurt and angry and I feel so guilty for feeling this way.

I didn’t choose to be a blue sheep. I didn’t choose to get turned into a wolf. The flock thought of me as one and that’s what I became.

I never asked for this.

I never asked for you to adopt me. I never asked to be put with someone who can’t understand.

Why don’t you understand?

WHY DONT YOU UNDERSTAND!?

WHY DON’T I UNDERSTAND!!!???

I DO UNDERSTAND!!! You don’t know how to understand. Because you only look at one side.

The church’s side.

Your God’s side.

I want to kill your god.

So many of my problems would be solved if he never existed. So many of my problems wouldn’t exist if Joseph Smith didn’t exist.

Maybe I wouldn’t be alive today.

Or maybe fate has a way, and our family would have been together somehow anyway, and maybe you’d care for me the way you do for my brothers. Maybe you’d stop seeing me as your daughter.

If I was born a boy, maybe I’d be your weird gay GNC son.

Please call me your son.

Please call me your son.

PLEASE CALL ME YOUR SON.

I LOVE YOU PLEASE, I BEG YOU ON MY FUCKING HANDS AND KNEES PLEASE CALL ME YOUR SON IM YOUR SON I AM YOUR FUCKING SON PLEASE CALL ME YOUR

#tw dysphoria #unsupportive family #unsupportive mother #vent post #tw vent #personal vent #vent writing #trans vent #transmasc #gender dysphoria #please ignore this lmao I was feeling some sort of way

[splatzzlive]

bit of a rant/vent cause i realised something

(skip to second paragraph for stuff abt my yt)

if yall didnt know, im trans. idk wth i am but i label myself as mascbeing (masc-presenting person just existing) and i used to have really bad dysphoria but ever since my parents started calling me my preffered name and pronouns (even if they dont when im not around) ive found myself almost competely rid of it. like ive stopped wearing binders because i didnt care as much anymore and partly because they were wrecking my body. i knew that being accepted by the people around you could help, but i didnt realise it was that much. my parents are really consevative which i didnt know until recently and they are seriously comvinced this is a phase even tho its lasted like 5 years but i somehow convinced myself they werent. after finally accepting that they dont beleive me ive been getting worse again. i still dont wear my binders but i get dysphoria over other things and i think i need to go back to therapy but my therapist didnt beleive i was trans either. she was a christian therapist and the second i mentioned wanting to go on hrt she brushed it off and sad "medication isnt always the solution" as if i havent been dealing with these feelings for five fucking years and it seriously made me hate her after all the good she did for me. wow i had so many more feeling than i thought i did lol this was supposed to be positive um anyway...

ive been taking a really long break from youtube for my mental health but it hasnt gotten much better so tomorrow after my exam im gonna record the next episode for my minecraft series. see yall on sunday hopefully with that video! <3

also i changed my pronouns because ive found i dont actually like he/him. they/them isnt super god either but i dont mind it much! id prefer if yall used literally any neopronouns but ive specified hx/hxm/hxself (said hix/hem/hixself/hemself), star/stars/starself and bun/buns/bunself! thank you!!

thank you so much for reading and dealing with my emotional shit lol

take care of yourselves, drink water and eat if you havent yet today, brush your teeth and take your meds, i love yall /p

#i am okay dont worry about me ive learned to deal with myself <3 #queer #trans #update #transmasc #youtube #youtuber #minecraft #mcyt #mcyt tumblr #smallstreamer #small streamer #minecraft youtube #transgender #trans pride #pride #gender shit #gender sucks #mascbeing

[sometransgal]

do you have any music recs? i’m so bored of my current stuff

Ah that's tough without knowing your tastes but I'll go with my main crowd pleasers first and my weirder ones second

Crowd Pleasers:

Orville Peck - Fantastic queer country music and a great place to start if you think country is bad but are willing to have your mind changed. Try his first album Pony out!

Motionless In White - If you had an emo phase and like heavier metal then i highly recommend them, I've listened since i was a teen and I've always enjoyed. I recommend starting with their album Infamous

Ghost - Consistently described as Metal for people who dont like Metal but honestly I think there's something for everyone to enjoy as long as you can jive with their spooky satanic aesthetics. I personally love their album Impera

Against Me! - Look if youre on my blog you've likely heard of Against Me, theyre a trans leftist phenomenon but just in case you haven't definitely give them a whirl! I especially recommend the album Transgender Dysphoria Blues

Bad Cop/Bad Cop - All woman punk band that I enjoy quite a bit they're album Warriors was my shit back when i was 20

Ramshackle Glory/Pat the Bunny - If you like folk punk you've probably heard them but if you havent I say give them a whirl. I prefer Ramshackle Glory but since they only released a few things if you want more try Pat the Bunny out since he was one of the members. Their live album Live the Dream is great.

Now for the weirder/far less crowd pleaser-y stuff

Days n Daze - More folk punk! Theyre a lot of fun but folk punk isnt for everyon and Days n Daze isnt for everyone either

Moist - If you want to listen to what the ages of 12-16 sounded like to me you should give Moist a try. Theyre indie canadian grunge and while maybe not the greatest ever have a special place in my heart. I recommend starting with their album Creature.

Heilung - How does one describe Heilung... they're basically just dark viking music with heavy pagan elements. They're whole goal is to make music that sounds like you're back in time during a pagan ritual and it works great. Also because theyre a band with that as a descriptor i should say they've explicitly told white supremacists in their audience their music wasn't for them.

Also here's an added bonus of a link to my top 100 on Spotify from last year, there's a lot of random shit in it so who knows if you'll find something you like or not

#long post

[goremet-chef]

mannn wish i had the nerve to go to the doctors, i havent been in years. im scared theyll tell me somethings really really wrong with me cuz i have a hard time processing and accepting the fact that im gonna die eventually KSFJSF so i dont wanna hear all that but at the same time like i know itd be better to go and see

plus like. i can barely go outside anymore, my dysphoria is real bad i dont want anyone to perceive me. doesnt help that theyd call me by my deadname and all that, no thanks id rather die

but obviously i dont wanna die but man i dont feel so well

heart problems run in my family so im just hoping its nothing too bad but generally i feel not the best usually. not even just in my heart i get so many random aches and pains its annoying. im only 20 bestie whats all this then

[alcorian]

have i told yall yet how happy i am to finally start dressing punk again?

fuck its been so long

the backstory on this: so i was a baby alt in middle school, experimenting w subcultures, making my own studded jewelry, safety pinning shit together, the works. in 7th or 8th grade i had a green faux-hawk and wore the same camo denim jacket and band t shirts all the time. it wasnt impressive but hey, i was like 12 and just starting out.

but shit went bad when puberty hit and with it, came worsening dysphoria, which compounded with my worsening depression (i'd just gotten away from one of my abusers which was good but i kinda broke down in the following years) and i stopped going out, and stopped having the energy to dress up in any interesting way, and to take care of and re-shave my hair and stuff. so i ended up slowly swapping most of my wardrobe out for jeans and hoodies and let my hair grow out into something easy to take care of that doesnt need to be cut often.

which is fine! but i wasnt expressing myself and i never felt happy with how i looked.

and through this, ive lived by punk ideology-- freaks will inherit the world and never trust a cop, all that jazz. so ive been punk this whole time, but i havent been dressing or looking punk.

and i didnt realize how much that was probably contributing to my depression until like.. yesterday? when i decided to try dressing in ways i enjoy again, and GUYS, i cant tell you how super extremely excited i am now that ive given myself permission to try dressing punk again. im gonna cut and dye my hair as soon as possible (the green mohawk is coming back, but cooler and better this time) and when i get home im gonna hit up my favorite thrift shops and other places to get cheap alt stuff and actually try to pull some basic punk clothes together. gonna go to the store for safety pins and sewing supplies too, so i can get back into making my own shit.

gonna try to add some embellishments to my cane too-- the stickers i ordered are still lost in the mail (sob sob) so i'll try find some new decorations. i wonder if i can spice up my glasses too? they got the same treatment as the rest of my fashion, they got less interesting with each new prescription. for now maybe i can just put some stickers on em. i dunno. im sick of dulling myself down. i want to be loud and fun and angry and loving. i want to be punk again.

#alv posts #punk #punk subculture #punk fashion #alt fashion #alt subculture #alternative fashion

[skiniibuniii]

probably never got fasting insomnia cuz i kept "recovering" before i reached the point im at rn. heres some shit abt me, my history of eds, and why i think and have been told i have EDNOS. added a read more thing so you dont have to read it if you dont want to.

wow someone likes me lmao jk but,,

when i was 9-10 i had to take one of those tests in school for BMI and i was the heaviest person there. all the kids compared bmis and i just stayed quiet when i was asked. so the very next day i did a week long fast without knowing what the fuck i was doing. i barely drank anything, fainted once and couldnt stand up without my legs giving out. yeahh my mom almost took me to the hospital, and i wanted that til my mom said id be poked with needles so i "recovered". off and on over those next few years, i tried to watch what i ate but didnt count cals (tbh cuz i didnt know how).

I started smoking weed around 11-12 and i started binging B A D. my stomach hurt constantly but i never stopped eating. to the point that my mom finally told me that i was eating too much cuz we didnt have the money for me to keep that up any longer than a few months. and my mom saying "youre eating too much", even though she was worried about me and i knew she was just worried, it totally triggered me again. still didnt know jack shit about eds. i tried to restrict and got into a fast-binge cycle for a couple months. "recovered" again.

tried to die right after i turned 13, got sent to a hospital for 2 months and thats when i learned about eds. started going to this LGBTQ club, met my bf and discovered my gender identity (didnt know abt trans people before that either, thought i was just really crazy), and started to learn about how to be safer. aand this is when it stopped being 100% about how i look, but now it was a 50/50 on looks and weight. got back in that fast-binge bull. got my first Tumblr page somewhere around this time too and was in LOVE loved my blog so much. got into ed tumblr for inspo but obvy that didnt last long. stayed on my main for a long while til (i think) i was abt to turn 16. "recovered".

about to be 14 years old, got back into my shit cuz i got pregnant and didnt know it and freaked out about how ugly i was, dropped to 130 cuz the morning sickness made it so easy to purge (i was and have not since been able to purge via vomit) and i barely ate anyway with cal counting, nausea, fasting, and chainsmoking. i did some drugs aside from smoking around this time and drank a fair amount too. found out i was pregnant, "recovered" AGAIN, stopped doing all that bad stuff and was tormented by my body for another 4-5 months. got up to 225lbs, apparently i gained 85lbs from month 5 to birth. popped out a baby, kid was healthy thank god, tried to breastfeed, yo-yoed between 200-225 for about 2 months, breastfeeding wasnt working and made me want to die with the gender dysphoria, switched to bottles, 2 months after that now we're back. didnt do crazy restriction but exercised like a madman. hated myself really bad. fast-binge you know the deal. bf force-fed me regularly. i fucking gave up. reached 175 before i bounced right back to 200.

now we're 16 its the first of june, gonna be 17 in 14 days. i havent been able to look in a mirror for any reason besides to do my makeup in several years. still 200lbs. havent worn anything that could remotely show how fat i am in years. out of nowhere i decided, "imma get back on my fucking shit. I REFUSE TO HATE MY BODY ANYMORE. I DO NOT WANT TO BECOME AN ADULT AND FUCKING HATE MYSELF LIKE THIS"

"hey, youre 17 now! happy birthday. i know your phone just broke, i bought you a computer! it was a great deal and they said it worked for games too! you said youve been wanting to play that java server, right?"

i remembered, tumblr is a thing! i loved my blog, maybe if i get back into that id be happier.

"ghost blog", gone. i cried quite a bit lmao, but lets start a new one!

and here we are. and i am not doing any fake recovery shit this time.

from what i know, EDNOS includes the off-and-on stuff and i was told by a couple people on my og blog that i dont have ana i have EDNOS.

boom thats my ed life story. and if thats kinda bad yall should hear my whole fucking life story. ive been thinking abt writing a book about it cuz it is actually fucking crazy.

[alienpupy]

About your top surgery:

Firstly, though, hoi! I'd like to say that I am happy for you, but I don't really feel happiness. Just nothing. But I am proud of you that you got the top surgery and seem very happy about it.

And going through your posts about it, I realize that I want top surgery, too. But I'm also genuinely afraid of the post-surgery time. And this makes me wonder, were you nervous or anxious before the surgery? (Also, apologies for the rambles and for not feeling the happiness for you)

no worries im happy to talk abt it :] i was anxious in the weeks and days coming up to the surgery, yea, but it was more anxiety abt stuff around the surgery than the procedure itself (like, ik several people who got top surgery at the same clinic and everything n they're super reputable so i wasnt worried about the medical aspect, just the preparations + i had to move appartments 10 days before the surgery + had to pack up AGAIN bc im actually staying with my parents for a month or two bc you absolutely need ppl to assist you with stuff during early recovery)

the closest thing to anxiety abt the actual surgery i had was one time a few weeks before it i was like "wait. what if i don't actually want this what if this is a mistake" and then to test it i put a bra and tshirt on and realized yeah no absolutely not thats just pointless self-doubt and i still hate these

it was rlly surreal tho if im being honest? idk if its even fully hit me that this was real and actually happened. I've wanted top surgery since i was like 13 but obv for most of that it felt like it was really distant in the future, and yet now that im flat it just feels. normal? like im still super early recovery so i havent actually seen my chest w/o the bandages yet but still just looking in the mirror with the bandages flat on my chest it just looks natural to me. its been less than a week and im already forgetting what it was like to have tits lmao (altho to be fair i've been binding for years so its not like they were ever a huge part of my life, just a major inconvenience)

and post-surgery really isnt that bad. i've complained about the weird nerve stuff, yea, but that does clear up eventually (altho ik it usually take years for the nerves to fully 100% heal, they're the slowest thing to regenerate). I've had basically zero pain, but i was still prescribed pain meds to take if i need them and given a lot of advice for healing as best as possible. the most important thing is definitely to have someone (or multiple people) be able to take time off to help you with everything (like, from food to drains to making sure you're comfortable and checking on you, you're not supposed to move your arms a lot or lift anything heavy for the first 6-ish weeks).

Post-op depression can be a thing for a lot of people too, but it hasnt hit me (at least not yet) and it can be avoided/mitigated by making sure you're not alone. having friends over, or calling people, making sure you still have games or movies or art to keep u occupied helps a ton.

also i dont think i've said it here before but i got top surgery at GRC montreal, and gender-affirming surgeries are covered by the government here in canada. I sent my paperwork/referral stuff there in may of last year, and it took them a couple months for each stage of processing but they gave me my surgery date (june 7th) a couple of months before, so (not counting the time to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis + letters from doctors and therapists and junk) i only had to wait about a year.

#sorry for the rambly answer dhshjfhsd #i hope it was helpful?? feel free to ask more tho i like talking abt it #green-cryptid-text #top surgery

[joyboythehopepunk]

desire

i havent had sex in a really long time. for multiple reasons.

i have two stds. herpes and hpv. theyre relatively benign and certainly common. luckily we may be closer than not to eradicating stds, the common cold, and even cancer. it may happen in my life time.

i don't have a high body count. i've been with a handful of women. i tried to suck a dick when i was in highschool but it felt gross and weird.

to this day i have a strange relationship with my bisexuality. it is more like my attraction to men and cocks is a kink or fantasy-only thing.

i don't feel that way about women and pussy at all though.

when i think about women... all sorts of things rise to the surface. first are pain and regret. the next is yearning and desire. within all of that is fear. fear because i have never been loved properly. fear because i always get hurt instead. fear because i am unsure if .. if i am capable of love. because i have never been able to receive or return it.

well. that isn't entirely true. i am certainly able to give love. even in healthy ways.

but i do not trust people. i cannot trust people. to stay. to give me love. to understand me. and of course.. everyone is insecure. but rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a more apt description of what i experience.

and then ... people prove me right. and im ashamed of how i acted. all i want is love. yet.. my experiences in this world make it seem like it is not for me. like what i am looking for doesn't exist.

what is the point of bearing my soul like this? i can no longer hold its contents. and that is all.

and perhaps that is why no one stays. not because i am a bad person. or too depressed. not because i am complex. but because they see the burden i bear and want no part of it.

i have held up well until the last few years. but i've burnt out badly in that time. i've healed a lot in that time.

for some reason.. the more i heal.. the less i seem to feel. the less things affect me. the more detached i am. i am .. technically happier. but i wonder if my love will be dulled like everything else? everything used to feel.. much more intense. and now it is like.. the nerves have been fried.

but i do enjoy life a lot more now. not worrying so much. not being in so much pain. or at least not such acute pain.

at this rate i will become even further removed from humanity. and how will i find the love i seek then? even if i love and accept myself.. what i'm looking for is definitely outside of me. and it seems it is something i cannot use magic for. (because that turns out horribly for me)

well. at least this is out now. i hope i find the woman who can love me. and who i can love. outside and in.

#trans #voidpunk #single #loner

[ventingoutmyass]

11.23.22

yes, yes, the halloween job was as cool as I wanted it to be. It brought up some very dangerous reminders of a certain very dangerous person, and in the form of a new much-more-dangerous person. But since the job has ended, I’ve remained pretty out of touch, and their favoritism toward me has left my field of vision. 

other than that though, the job was all around wonderful. Great people and a pretty easy job. I haven’t experienced horrendous physical effects of dire financial stress in almost two months, and my hips are loving the new stretch I found about two weeks ago. 

all around, not too bad. 

i’ve opted out of christmas gift exchange this year, and although few people are actually choosing to respect that, the mental stress of the holidays has been the biggest weight off my shoulders this time of year since elementary school. So that’s a bit funny of an experience, not one im sure whether I like yet or not.

I am, at this moment, not doing bad. The job kept me just busy enough, just exhausted enough, made me just enough money, that i’m sat at pretty much the perfect spot I could be in. 

Trying to mingle back into my online friends has proved a bit more unnatural than I had expected, since i’d distanced myself pretty much completely since I had that job. getting a new job, I knew something would give. I felt lucky enough that what was sacrificed didnt impact my physical well-being as what uually does, but the mental anguish did take some toll. its all about that **human connection** nonsense. calling it nonsense, is nonsense. I like my friends. I like them so much, actually. 

I’m having a hard time accepting that i’m their friend too. ya know, the whole fear of perception and rejection dysphoria, thing. it’s not the end of the world if they know what i sound like, right? it cant be. i dont know. its so much easier when im a green name on a screen, versus a voice that i hate to hear anyway, let alone the pictures i sometimes want to send, because they’re my friends and i want to share my life with them, but im too terrified to share myself with them.

they’re my friends, they like who they know i am, who ive chosen to show them. they wouldnt hate me if we met in real life. they care about me, at least my well-being, at least on some surface level. they probably care about me more than most close friends i’ve known in real life. still it took three weeks to ask over my disappearance, but i know thats my dumb brain doing its dumb things.

well, sure i didnt talk to my friends for over a month. sure, im still not quite back into the routine i had before to talk to them everyday, but i do think about them, and i care for them, and i always hope their days are better than mine. because they deserve as much, they’re such wonderful people.

anyway, since the job only lasted five weeks, and i was only working about 25 hours those weeks, the energy i took from seeing my friends somehow managed to be enough. I still slept pretty good, I ate pretty much fine. I showered just as often, if not more. and it got me a bit active, which i hadnt realized was as bad as it was. the scarring on my feet is not going away any time soon. 

and i can afford groceries, have I mentioned that? I bought groceries for the last time in like,, eight months?? something like that. it’s nice, ive even bought myself underwear. havent bought myself underwear since high school. 

happy thanksgiving, if you celebrate it. if not, good. the food sucks, and obv its a terrible holiday anyway. thanks for listening. thanks for being here. shoutout to my internet besties, yall keep me going. you make me feel like i can belong somewhere. thank you <33 -rcp

[istilldonotwanttobeknown]

When was your prime in dance? I truly believe my prime prime was in rvps Chinese dance. Creative choreographies that allow me to showcase my full potential in dance and guarantee a straight Win kind of piece. Choreographers let us do the easiest job - v clear of what she wants. Approachable team mates. Basically thriving in flexibility. Hence was given a lead role and used as an inspiration for my juniors. Favoured by china teachers throughout the years. sorry for the flex HEHE. Overall it did 90+% of justice to my passion. The lackluster was that choreographers were not that approachable. my teacher-in-charge was blind, judgy and biased and did not give me the senior award I deserve despite working so hard because I wasn't her class student. Kinda iffy but got over it because of the fulfilment throughout the years in rvpsde. I know I sound like a brat but who wouldn't enjoy all these if you were in my shoes. :") Overall 8/10 🥰

Gessdance. Horrible starting at first. The change of genre to hiphop really killed me. But worked hard and got recognized for it. Hence, was given many opportunities and motivates me to be at my best. Most of my batch mates were judgy and gossipy but I was thriving pretty well I wouldn't care less hehe. Having a group of loving seniors who adopted me in their group, "mentor" me with my steps. Because of that I was filled with confidence and super social in dance. And when they grad </3.

Pros: made me move on from Chinese dance and found a passion for street dance. Cons: can't really appreciate my height and size in this genre. Affects the way I look and move. Suspect that I got body dysphoria even up till now. Can't look at the mirror when dancing without feeling gross. Lackluster was: having to use every single tear, sweats to prove that I was worthy enough to be seen and so that I wouldn't get ignore really suck. For the first time i realise how dance can be really toxic if things weren't set right. But hey at least I got through it. 2) got influence by the wrong side of dance. Since I improved so much from sec 1 and at sec 3 I started to have DANCER EGO SYNDROME until really bad. Then Sec 5 I really learned how to be humbled through my juniors and then got pulled out of my last syf because of food poisoning. Was upset at first but I really had a good journey and closure with gessdance. 7.5/10 👍☺️

NRA.

I HAVENT GRAD YET.

Very detailed and energetic compared to gessde. Inspiring and kind PC <3

However, v tiring, v hard, quite lonely most of the time and ppl there are pretty intimidating since everyone is so good. But hey welcome to the real dance world! Got studio cause last time gessdance no studio. Like the vibes in here. Overall I like it though. Surprisingly.

[normal-thoughts-official]

With a little help from your friends (the help is praise kink and the friend is your boyfriend)

Who would have thought that fucking your boyfriend senseless cures dysphoria.

Alternatively: being a dom is actually something that can be so gender,

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Pairing: Andy Kang/Tom Sato

Additional tags: let's see, mild mentions of transphobic and racist comments, Comfort Sex, the filthiest comfort sex uve ever seen but WHATEVER, dom andy kang, sub tom sato, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Play, Collars, Praise Kink, basically someone says transphobic shit and then tom rides him and talks about how wonderful andy is, except tom has also been in denial for a few days and he's super horny, and andy gets in domspace and everything is great and nothing hurts, Fluff and Smut, Humor, cuz u know these two are incapable of taking anything too seriously, Established Relationship, oh they're both in college and they go to the same college cuz i said so, set after the events of it lives beneath, that's it I think, trans author if that matters to you

Read it on Ao3

Andy isn't having a great day. It's not a terrible, clawing-at-his-chest-trying-to-deal-with-dysphoria kind of day, but he's been trying out this "not comparing everything to the worst possible scenario" thing his therapist has been talking about, so still, not a great day.

The thing is, he thought college would be easier. And it is, in a lot of ways. For starters, there is no evil monster spectre trying to kill him, which gives college at least 5 points over high school. And his uni has a pretty solid queer club, so he knows other trans people there. Some of them are even non-white. Some of them he even actually, truly likes. And most of the time, he feels like he has a place to turn to, and people to support him. He's not alone. He has people who get him. And that makes all the difference.

But basketball is still a nightmare, and his knee still hurts when it's cold, and winter is officially starting now.

People still hesitate to pass the ball to him, and it's frustrating, because Andy fought so hard to earn his old team's trust and now he's back at square zero. And well, Andy has been gaining this team's trust, because he's good, goddamn it, and his team owes at least the last three victories to him. He's not hesitant to say that, especially because otherwise no one will. And he can see that they look at him differently now - nod at him in the hallways, at least, talk to him in the locker room, pass him the fucking ball if his position is very, very open.

But if he weren't trans and Asian, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to get all of that - or well, just that, really. He has a full sports scholarship despite the fact that he had a broken leg, had to retake his last year of high school, and doesn't even have the body type for basketball. If he weren't Asian, if he weren't trans, his team would have assumed his greatness from day one. Instead, he has to show it to them time and time again only to get them to reluctantly admit maybe he's not bad. No one calls him "triple threat" anymore, but he still has to work three times harder than anyone else, and it's frustrating.

And usually Andy can deal with it, but right now his knee hurts, and he can't afford that because he'll lose everything he's worked for if his teammates know that his fucking knee hurts. So, he braved training and then he got the fuck out of there without even changing so no one would see him wince. Which means he's still in basketball shorts, which are short, in the cold, which means his leg hurts more.

At times like these, he's thankful he never got the chance to go through with his promise to break his other leg kicking Noah's ass. Because he would have, and then both his legs would be hurting right now, and two legs that hurt every time it's cold is just too many legs.

No comparing to the worst possible scenario, he tells himself. Therapy is so hard. If he had known there would be homework, he would have thought twice about going.

And that's, apparently, the cue for his phone to go off. Andy smiles, knowing who it is even before he opens the message, because only one person messages him during class, and it's the only person he wants to hear from right now.

Tom <3 sent you a message

Grinning like a fool, he opens it.

Tom <3: dude, im horny af rn. the fuck

Finally, good news, Andy thinks, smiling. Then he remembers why Tom is so horny, and suddenly this day is great, actually.

He quickly types a reply.

You: who wouldve thought that 3 days of denial would make this happen

Tom <3: ill have u kno i was very good at holding it together before today

You: yeah, dw. soon u wont have to hold it anymore ;)

Tom <3: that flirt was terrible, dude

You: said the guy whos calling me dude for the second time in this conversation

Tom <3: what else should i call u? 😩

Andy thinks for a second. Tom and him do longer-term denial every once in a while, but they aren't in a 24/7 relationship. Does Andy really want to go there right now? Yes. Well, that was fast. Okay then.

You: how about "sir"

Tom's reply comes fast as lightning.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

Andy smirks at himself.

You: uve been hoping that id say that, havent u?

Tom types for just a little longer this time.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

----

Many things are wrong with the world, and Andy doesn't mean to make light of the other things, but the fact that Andy can't simply go and fuck his boyfriend whenever he wants is definitely one of them. It should be, like, financial compensation or something. We're so sorry the school environment is transphobic, here, have a free sex pass. Sounds fair to him. But instead, he still has two hours of classes to go through, and Andy is a better guy than he wishes he was, so he tells Tom to pay attention to class instead of sexting him, because he doesn't want Tom to struggle even more with his course when he had already had to leave it once. God damn true love or whatever.

The point is, by the time classes are finally over, his day is back to not being that great; he's tired, and his leg hurts. He gets to their car after Tom does, and Tom takes one look at him, and says, "I'm driving".

Andy crosses his arms. "Why?"

"Because your leg hurts," Tom answers, rolling his eyes and taking Andy's bag from him and putting it in the trunk.

Andy looks down at his legs. He wasn't limping. There aren't any bruises. How the hell-

"It's cold and you're in shorts. I'm not an idiot, dude."

Right. Yeah. Right. Of course. Tom knows. It's… It's alright.

"Bad day at training?" Tom asks, slowly, sympathetically, and Andy feels himself settle in his skin a little bit.

"The usual," he answers, getting inside, and, as always, Tom gets the hint.

---

Their uni's dorms are gender-segregated because these guys have still not gotten the memo that people of the same gender fuck; and Andy wasn't willing to deal with cis college guys' bullshit, much less cis college girls' bullshit; and the uni wouldn't let him simply pick Tom as his roommate. So, they rented out a beat up apartment right next to it instead. It took a little longer to get there, but it wasn't a lot longer, and well, it was worth it.

Tom gets inside, still carrying Andy's bag because he's transphobic and unfair and had taken it and bolted up running so Andy wouldn't have a chance to argue with him. And Andy can't run after him with his leg hurting, which kind of proves Tom's point that he should carry Andy's bag. All in all, Tom is the worst, and he turns up the heat as soon as he gets inside and sits Andy down on the bed, kneeling in front of him to take a look at Andy's knee.

He's silent for a while, massaging his knee until Andy sighs and throws his head back, before Tom plants a little kiss on his knee and looks up at him. Andy's knee always stops hurting when Tom kisses it better. It's a little embarrassing, if Andy is being honest, but still- nice. Really nice.

They stay for a little longer like this, Tom humming and massaging his knee and Andy not meeting his eyes, until the question inevitably comes.

"What happened?" Tom asks, not letting up with the smooth movements of his hands, his eyes big and sincere with worry.

"Nothing. Just the cold. You know how my knee gets."

"I meant, for you to leave practice without putting some warmer clothes on."

Andy looks away. "It was nothing."

"Dude, are you expecting me to go, 'okay, yeah, that totally makes sense and I believe you', or…?"

Andy laughs, despite himself, and throws his good leg up in an almost-kick to pretend he's retaliating. "Don't be an ass."

"I'm not. Come on, Andy. You know you can tell me."

"It's nothing, it's just- Kyle-"

"Oh boy."

Andy laughs. "Yeah." But then he grows serious, "the thing is, he doesn't mean any harm, you know? I know he's not saying it to hurt me, and so that just means that, like... that it's true."

Tom's hands stop their movements, rubbing soothing circles around his knee instead. "What did he say?"

Andy doesn't look at him. "He asked me why I didn't stay on the women's team. Said that I could have an advantage, cuz Asian people are androgynous anyway, so no one would notice that I was taking hormones."

Tom just stares at him in shock for a moment.

"And I was like, 'dude, I've been on T for three years, I'm pretty sure they would notice the changes'. And he was like, 'yeah, but you still look like a lot of Asian girls with short hair, you could write it off if you wanted', and I just…" He trails off.

Tom waits in silence for a second, seeing if Andy finds his words, before asking, "Is Kyle, like, okay?"

Andy scoffs. "I didn't try and fight him, if that's what you're asking."

"No, I mean, does this dude have a screw loose or something?"

"He's very bad at figuring out what is or isn't offensive, yeah, but it's not like he really cares, he just won't go out of his way to antagonize me."

"No, I just- Andy, even when you were a little kid with huge pigtails, anyone would have to be crazy to see you as a girl."

Andy bites the inside of his lip. "You're just saying that."

"I'm not. It's just wrong, man. It was so obvious that it was wrong. Anyone could tell. There's nothing about you that says 'girl' to anyone who's looking."

Andy sighs, finally risking looking at Tom's eyes. There's overwhelming sincerity there, and Andy instinctively looks away. "I guess. Maybe. I don't know. It just got me thinking... Maybe T didn't change anything. Maybe I look exactly the same, maybe it was just hopeful thinking that had me thinking it would change anything, maybe it's just- pointless to even try-"

"No, no, come on," Tom says, and the interruption is so sudden it makes Andy look at him again, just in time to see Tom shaking his head vigorously. "There's no way you believe that. What about this bad boy over here?" He smiles, reaching out softly to caress Andy's neck. "You have more of an Adam's Apple than me, dude. And we both know you don't need T to be a guy, but thinking it made no difference is just crazy and you know it. What about those dry pecs? These broad shoulders of yours? Your voice, I mean, come on. You even smell different, man. How can it be pointless, if even your scent is different?"

Andy looks to the side again, but he can feel himself smile. "Well, when you put it like that..."

Tom gets up, but stays close, putting his hand on Andy's cheek, slowly, as if testing the waters, before turning him slightly to look at him. "Andy. Kyle is an idiot and a transphobic racist who's too damn lazy to realize how fucked up he is. And you shouldn't have to deal with that, and I'm sorry, and I will set him on fire."

Andy laughs. "You can't keep threatening to set every shitty teammate I have on fire."

"I can, because it keeps making you laugh," Tom says, smiling. Well. Andy can't argue with that. "My point is, you wouldn't listen to a word this dude says if it were about anyone else, so don't listen to him when he talks about you, okay? T or no T, you're no girl, and you don't look like a girl, and regardless of whether or not Kyle's dumb ass noticed it, your transition has been doing you good. Remember when your voice started to crack and get all weird? I've never seen anyone be that happy about it."

Andy laughs. "It was pretty awful."

"No, it was great, 'cause you loved it. Do you want me to pull out the 'before' pictures we took in case this happened? Look at yourself, dude. You fit so much better in your own skin, you know? And like, you've always been gorgeous, but-"

"Come here," Andy interrupts, pulling him down because Tom is standing and Andy is sitting and Andy is already height-challenged. And Tom goes willingly, carefully straddling Andy's lap and meeting him in a kiss. Finally, Andy thinks.

Tom kisses him softly, slowly, one hand resting on the back of Andy's head and the other draped lazily over his shoulder, as he usually does, all gentle and a little hesitant, and Andy is having none of that. So he grabs Tom's hair and deepens the kiss, bringing him closer until their chests are flushed together and he can feel Tom's hips mindlessly making little circles against Andy's belly.

They separate - or well, stop kissing, really, because Tom is still as close to Andy as physically possible, and Andy feels about ready to shoot anyone who tries to push him further away. Tom's a little breathless, and his hips are still making these almost imperceptible movements against Andy, and Andy realizes that he's still grabbing Tom's hair and that he's a little breathless, too.

Tom looks down at him for a second, as if debating something with himself, before saying, "and like, not to be horny during a serious moment, but since we're talking about the effects of T... Andy. Andy. Your clit. Fuck. It's so huge now, and it's got a visible head and you can fuck my face and everything, and I could sing it praises for a week and probably will if you don't stop me right now."

"Hmm, but I like it when you sing me praises," he smiles. "Keep going."

"God, I was hoping you'd say that. Do you have any idea how much I've been thinking about it today? I didn't hear a single word anyone said to me, all I could think about was you fucking my face, pulling my hair, making me worship you and beg to be allowed to suck you off, I wanna serve you like you're my God." Tom's hips start to jerk up, more visibly this time, shameless, and see, this is why Andy's been really, really liking this whole denial thing - Tom has only started to explore his subby side recently, a little ashamed of it to admit it to anyone, even himself. But when he's horny enough, he gets shameless and desperate about what he wants, and god, nothing is more beautiful than Tom when he asks for what he wants. He feels something growing inside of him, not sure if it's warmth or heat, but seeing Tom like that, wanting him, needing him, definitely makes him feel so much better.

"Yeah?" Andy asks, tracing a finger over Tom's shoulder, close to his neck, just to give him goosebumps.

"Fuck yes, I want it so bad, and you deserve it too, Andy… Sir. You're the best Sir I could ask for, I just want… Want you to use me, want you to cum on me, want to kiss you all over and worship you and pleasure you, you're so gorgeous..." He hides his face in Andy's shoulder for a bit, but his hips don't stop moving. He whines, "Andy..."

"Address me properly," Andy snaps, feeling the edges of worry clear from his mind and giving way to that wonderful feeling of clear-mindedness, of power, where nothing matters but his own pleasure. "And maybe I'll give you what you want, if you earn it."

Tom nods, hips full on thrusting now, and Andy snaps again. "Stay still."

And he does, immediately, without question, biting his lip and keeping his eyes shut with effort. Andy can feel his thighs clenching and spasming over his, trying to keep himself from moving, trying to be good. He hums in appreciation, but doesn't praise him for it, not yet.

"I'll get you ready," Andy explains, before reaching to Tom's hair, and starts to undo his bun, as slow as possible, just to watch him squirm. He gets so impatient when Andy undresses him, which is why Andy never misses a chance to drag it out.

He begins by removing Tom's jacket, sliding his hands slowly over his shoulders, then down his back, feeling the firm muscle there, digging his nails just a little bit so he can see Tom's eyes flutter in bliss. When the jacket falls to the floor, Andy begins circling the hem of his shirt, sliding until his hands are back on front, fingers just close enough to Tom's cock for him to feel Tom tense in his hands, so damn sensitive to his touch, so needy. God, he can't get enough of this, but he pretends that he doesn't notice, lets Tom try and keep himself together as Andy's hands slide over his belly, then chest, over the shirt, collarbone, wrapping and resting on Tom's throat just so he feels the threat of it, before Andy finally grabs the back of the shirt's collar and tugs, taking it off. Then he slides his hands back down, making sure to run a finger just over the sensitive spot where his pecs end, then lower, over his ribcage, belly, hips, next to the bruises where Andy had grabbed him the night before, then back to the middle, just over the bulge in his pants, and Tom finally breaks and jerks up slightly, letting out a little moan.

"Sir," he whines, "please, please, I-" Andy continues to circle the head of his cock with his finger, "please!"

"Patience," is all he says, before going back to his painfully light movements, imagining Tom's needy cock twitching under his fingers, imagining the effort Tom makes not to thrust up or keep begging for more, just because Andy told him not to. "You know how much I like playing with your pretty little cock. You said you wanted to serve me, didn't you?"

"Yes- yes, Sir."

He hums, noncommittally, not looking at him. "Good." He teases the tip of his clothed cock some more, enjoying the way his mind zeroes on that, the way he feels like he has all the power and the time in the world. Finally, he pats Tom's thigh once. "Get off, and take off the rest of your clothes. Get the lube and a condom."

Tom gets up, a little shaky, and does as instructed, while Andy reaches down to the drawer under the bed where he keeps his dick's spine and a few of their toys. He gets the spine, then adjusts his packer briefs so he can put it on - best purchase of his life, really, those briefs. So much easier to use than a regular strap-on and it makes the packer sit over his clit just right, making a little suction and pressure. Andy couldn't be happier that he was already wearing them.

Tom gets back with everything he asked right in time for Andy to finish making his dick hard, and goes on to put the condom on and cover Andy's cock in lube with the kind of attention that makes Andy hold his breath. Tom's so careful, yet eager, and adoring, about it. Andy feels like the hottest guy in the world.

Once he gets permission, Tom sits on his cock, slowly, getting adjusted to it - admittedly, Andy went a little overboard when he bought his first cock. Andy waits until Tom is fully seated, littering his neck with little kisses and praise for how well he's taking him, how pretty he looks, until Tom looks fully comfortable and ready to start complaining if Andy doesn't start fucking him in earnest soon. That's when Andy shows him the other item he pulled from the drawer - Tom's favorite collar.

Tom's reaction is instantaneous. He throws his head back, moving over Andy's cock as he lets out a breathless, almost choked moan; the hands he had resting on Andy's shoulders suddenly squeezing full force in his need.

"God, you're such a whore," Andy says, casually, and Tom nods, even as he flushes. The collar is just a simple black one, with a little hoop for the leash, but inside they had it engraved with the words Andy's whore, and it left visible marks that could be seen for a few hours after they took it off. It never failed to drive Tom crazy, so it always drove Andy crazy, too. "Stay still," he warns, and Tom nods, breathing heavily, gripping Andy's shoulder as tight as he can as he stays frozen in place. Andy slowly puts it around his neck, checking with his finger to make sure it's not too tight, and the second he clasps it in place, Tom's whole body relaxes, a content little sigh escaping his lips, his face slack and blissed out. He likes being owned, so much. Andy can't get enough of it. "Good?" he asks, just to make sure it's not too tight.

"Perfect," Tom answers, the words leaving him in a sigh. Andy then ties the leash to the headboard, making sure that they're just far enough from it that he'll be feeling its pull the whole time. Tom lets out a moan. "Thank you, Sir."

Andy smirks. "Now, here's what I want you to do," he says, "you're going to ride me, just like that, and you're not going to come until I tell you to. You're definitely not going to come before I do. If you come close, you'll have to tell me. I want to hear you scream, so make as much noise as you want. Do you understand?"

Tom nods again, almost dizzyingly quick. "Yes, Sir."

"Good, then get to it."

Tom doesn't need to be told twice. He starts riding him, slowly at first, trying to find the perfect angle for Andy - not himself, Andy notices, pleased. Once it's perfect, Andy orders, "faster, slut,” and Tom obeys, as always, working up speed as he tries to keep himself upright, feeling the tug of his leash with every movement, moaning the whole time. “Good boy,” Andy says, and Tom’s responding whine is high pitched, embarrassing, needy. He gets even faster then, starting to babble as he keeps on working, and Andy just stays casually in place, not having to do a single thing while Tom works to give him pleasure.

"Fuck, you're so perfect, did you know that?" Tom asks, quickly sliding down on Andy's cock, making sure he puts all this weight in the end so Andy's cock will press down against his clit just the way he likes, making sure to go as deep as possible, "I've been dreaming of your cock for days, god, Sir, nothing's better than this," he hides his face in Andy's shoulder, speeding up even more, thighs shaking with the effort, and Andy puts a fist in his hair and pulls, watching as Tom throws his head back and lets out a scream, working even faster on Andy's cock. "Sir!," he whines, "oh, thank you, thank you, feels so good, oh my god, please, I'm gonna-"

"No, you won't," Andy interrupts, "I'm not even close to coming yet. Keep working, slut."

"Y-yes, Sir," he whines, going faster, deeper, and Andy makes it harder for him, keeps pulling at his hair to expose his neck, litters kisses and bites on his exposed throat, grabs his thigh and squeezes hard enough to bruise so Tom remembers he's his, his whore, his toy.

"I love it when you get like this," Andy says, doing his best to keep his tone even, even as he's a little breathless from pleasure, from power, "I bet you want to come so bad, don't you? If I'd just give you the word, you'd be making a mess of yourself, coming on my cock right now-"

"Fuck! Yes, yes, Sir, please, I'm so close."

Andy smiles. "No."

Tom whines, so cute, adorable, and Andy is nice enough to leave a little kiss on his shoulder, grounding, calming him down. Before going right back to torturing him, "no, you don't get to come for a long time yet. I want you just like this, on edge, tasting it…" Andy grins. "Tell me how close you are, baby."

"I'm- I'm so close-"

Andy slaps him in the face. "You can do better than that."

"Fuck, I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so close, I want it so bad, and you feel so good, God, you have no idea what you do to me, Sir, your cock is so perfect, it hurts, I need it- need to cum on your cock, Sir, please-"

"No."

Tom chokes on a moan, and starts to go even faster. He lets out a little whine, something Andy thinks was supposed to be a word, but doesn't come close.

"See," Andy says, "this is why I won't let you come. Look at you - every time I tell you no, you get so desperate, so obedient - it's what you want, isn't it? You want me to keep telling you no, you want to know your pleasure doesn't matter, that you're just here to serve me."

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes-"

"Good, then keep going. And beg all you want- I like telling you no, too."

Tom does. He begs, and he says thank you when Andy denies him, again and again and again. Thank you, Sir, thank you for using me, for putting me in my place, I'm yours, I'm yours. And he keeps on praising Andy, praising his cock, his body, the way he fucks him and uses him, no one else makes me feel like this, no one deserves to be worshipped and served like you, Sir, I want to make you feel good-... Until even the clear-minded state of domspace begins to crumble and Andy feels nothing but pleasure, and confidence, and power, and he cums to the sound of Tom praising him and begging, once, twice, three times, until his head is clear again and everything, even the need to chase his own pleasure, is gone, and he just feels perfect.

"Stop," he orders Tom, who's still babbling more and more incoherently, endless praise and worship, and Andy finds that he worships Tom right back. "I want you to get my cock as deep inside you as you can, and stay still. I'm going to play with your dick for a while, and when I tell you to, you can come. You did well today, baby."

Tom nods, suddenly struggling to use his words. "T-thank you, Sir," he says, already frozen in place, thighs clenching with the effort not to move and also shaking with all the effort he did before.

Andy coos. "Poor baby. You were so good to me today. Let me take care of you."

"You always- always do, Sir," Tom replies, and Andy smiles.

He gives Tom a long, slow handjob, making sure Tom stays still through it, enjoying the way his thighs shake on top of Andy's, the pressure of Tom sitting tight on his cock, the way his arms also shake with effort where they rest around Andy's neck; Tom's pretty, exposed throat all marked up around his collar, his breathless little whines as Andy makes sure to do it just the way he likes it, makes his cock turn red with need; watches Tom bite his lip, because when he has to keep still he becomes so quiet and needy, even as the little whines go through his lips… Until Andy finally says, "come for me, baby," and Tom screams through an orgasm that lasts almost a minute, hanging on to Andy as tightly as he can to keep himself anchored through the pleasure.

And then Andy holds him, and Tom holds him back, and they hold each other.

----

A while later, they've cleaned up Tom's cum so it doesn't get all sticky on Andy's chest, and Andy's finally taken off those damn briefs - they're great for sex, but get pretty tight when you wear them for a long time - and Andy holds Tom against his chest. He's humming, contently, and if anyone had told him at the beginning of the day that he'd be comfortable enough to have someone close to him while he's fully naked, he'd - well, probably assume they meant Tom, but still be skeptical.

"How do you feel?" Tom asks after a little while, finally opening up his eyes and saying hello to the world.

"That's supposed to be my line," Andy laughs.

"I feel great. Perfect. Next time, I wanna do it for longer. A week? Let's try a week. Or two weeks…?"

Andy laughs. "Let's not make too big of a leap yet."

"Fine. A week sounds good. Great. And now that we've established that denial is totally bomb for me, how are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I'm feeling great, too," Andy admits, playing with a little stray of Tom's hair, swirling it around his finger, "I think I needed that, a little bit. Who'd have thought that having you ride me and praise my cock cures dysphoria."

"Every trans top on every forum I've ever visited."

"Let me have my moment of realization," Andy mumbles, faux-annoyed. Tom just laughs, holding him closer.

"I'm just glad I could help," he says.

"Please tell me you didn't ride my cock just to help."

"Well, no, in case you hadn't noticed, I was horny as fuck. I just tried to, you know. Use that to give you a little push. Since you wanted to. Y'know. Also, it was all true. So..."

"Thanks, love," Andy says, earnestly. "I love you."

"I love you more."

They bicker about it, and Andy's smiling the rest of the day.

#it lives #tom sato #tomoichi sato #andy kang #tom x andy #andy x tom #it lives in the woods #ilitw #it lives beneath #ilb #it lives anthology #smut #i am back on my bullshit ig

[finley-myself]

hello! I just have a question if you're able to read it sometime :)

I've been experiencing a lot of transphobia internally and externally. I havent ever come out officially but it's something people have picked on me for so many years. I easily doubt myself and my feelings. I think I'm pansexual and maybe bigender but I've been told that that is gross when I try to reach out to others. I feel really alone and ashamed. I am trying to accept myself but I keep wondering if they are right about me. I want to be respectful and not appropriate the issues of wlw or mlm by being more than one gender. People have told me that I cant do this but I don't know how to change how I feel or how to understand it. I always cling onto media and fiction with people, guys and women alike and when I feel represented by them or at least some sort of relating to them, I remember i shouldnt because people told me i cant be more than one gender at once. I know this is a damaging idea but I have so much self doubt and the want to do what's morally right that I often can't shake those words even if it is some form of gatekeeping.

I likely won't ever openly be comfortable saying I'm bigender. I think it's the internalized transphobia, but I definitely need to find a simpler and safer way to describe myself in the future. I know there are a lot of words but I feel lost in them all and it's hard to feel okay at all. My dysphoria is so bad I haven't been able to live my life and I'm trying so hard to get better, but I'm feeling really discouraged. Sorry if this was a little sad! I appreciate if you answer but also it's cool if you don't, I hope you have a nice day. :)

Hi there, friend. I’m very sorry you’ve had those kinds of hateful and discouraging people in your life. Please believe me when I tell you that they were wrong. You can absolutely be more than one gender at the same time. There is a reason that the bigender label exists, and everyone who is bigender or multigender is valid and their identities are real. If you’re looking for other labels that could fit you in addition to bigender, that’s fine. I understand not wanting to go into the details of your identity around people who are likely to try and police it. Consider nonbinary or trans, as bigender fits under both of those umbrellas as well. But remember that you are still bigender, even if you choose not to tell everyone. Your feelings and gender are real and they matter. I really hope in the future you can get away from those hateful people and into a community that loves and supports you for who you are

#not an update #ask #answered ask #anonymous #gatekeeping #transphobia #enbyphobia #nbphobia