#i just wanted to make it clearer to myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amateur-scribbler · 2 days

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Fat.

It’s a word that’s sitting in my stomach with weights tied to its feet. It’s floating down past the food I binged on and then it’s watching the purge; making the toxic cycle complete.

It’s eating up space in my mind, this obsessive outlook about the size of my thighs.

I think I’d be happier, more loveable, and more confident if I was skinnier. I lie to everyone and myself about wanting to lose weight to be healthy when it’s all about the exteriors.

I know it’s not true, just my brain trying to make me want it more, by using a twisted methodology it has always used before. My beautiful brain tries so hard to be helpful but, the whispered insults about my body to spur on change are only making me miserable.

I remind myself that the clawing voices in my mind won’t go away because I’m thinner, and I won’t magically love what’s in the mirror even if I weighed nothing more than a feather.

But, I like the grass.

No, not the bits of green in the salad, but the blades that reside on the other side of the mirror, where I assume the stars all shine clearer and of course my body is the type of unachievable perfection I’ve forever been dreaming of.

body dysmorphia is my best friend - t.k.o.

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gammelgaedda · 1 day

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Oh shoot that's cool! I think I only noticed after looking at his eyes recently and how you drew them, then after going back it became clearer to me, but thanks for that tidbit of info! Just a small aside, but the way you draw your characters and portray them narratively and visually really give me a sense of hope, if that makes sense? Like I feel seen and especially since if I wasn't an artist I'd 100% be a Marine Biologist, so your corner of the world here is firing on all cylinders XD. (Also I seriously SERIOUSLY love how you design cephalopods, it makes me wanna kinda redesign my own OC/Sona XD)

D'aw thank youuu,,,

and He's a vampire squid! so his eyes have this glassy eyed look to them, his species and disability don't have any correlations tho -- I just wanted a low vision character with a signal cane since I use one too (giving my characters my disabilities since the dawn of time)

and GOD I keep telling myself if I wasn't disabled maybe I could have been a marine biologist.... or at the very least have diving as a hobby, dramatic sigh.

#gaeddasks

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vitaetmorsfilo · 7 months

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you know how genshin has character stories, yes? the have chapters, the part about vision, and i suppose something, like, noteworthy or special to them? so i was looking through them, y'know, to freshen up my knowledge of them hehe

so here i am looking thru yoimiya's

owwww, how cute!! she measures happiness by how mush candy is left, my sunshine 🥰🥰🥰

love the usefulness, you go queen, don't listen to people who call it ugly

a gift 🥺🥺🥺 from her teachers 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 to keep her safe 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 my dear

...

what

so by that logic, the most important thing that we can learn, besides his backstory, is that he is very adept at forgery

and you know what is theorised to be forged by him?

that little trinket😃😃

and now we know that gnosis hold the power of dragon sovereigns

and right before that we see that

a) venti blesses dvalin with power of the anemo archon

b) venti can make temporary (but tangible) illusions

and i mean, story doesn't tell you useless information, it's either lore important or foreshadowing 👀👀👀

all that i'm saying is that the theory that venti returned the dragon powers to dvalin is very, very plausible

#genshin impact #venti #dvalin #theory time ya hooooo #well not really #it has been written before #i just wanted to make it clearer to myself

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loppiopio · 9 months

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an imitation of the cheap variety

#durarara #izaya orihara #shizuo heiwajima #shizaya #a cheap imitation #i made a thing #ehe it's like a parady of one of the saw movie posters a friend sent me a while back #the one with the hanging teeth #and i also absolutely took reference from the way @shigaeru draws izaya's knives #i just really like the distinct shape he gives them #also since this is aci that knife design is kinda burned into my mind as the aci knife design whoops #the colours are also pulled and tweaked from that comic's first volume cover #the red bg is very iconic and fitting for this sort of thing and the blue shading looks really pretty with it.....#this whole thing is extremely derivative as you can see #i wanted to adjust more with the piece but i make my best art in the very first burst of loosely slapping stuff down #trying to clean anything up from there is futile #so i tweaked some things and just had to make myself share it as is #i wanted to make it clearer how the blade is cutting into the fabric but i couldn't figure it out :(#i hope you can still manage to derive the intended symbolism from it lol #i had this idea a while back but decided to use #shizayaweek2023 #free day #as a deadline to help motivate myself to actually try it #it's still late but whatever #throwing it up at the door rn #okay i actually sat on this for a few extra days just because of the horrific compression cursed upon it on upload #why???#i could not win no matter how small i made it #i have no clue how to fix it so now it just looks like that i'm sorry ;o;#maybe i'll try posting it somewhere else as well idk

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soldier-poet-king · 8 months

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I need to be weirder. I need to hang out/talk with more intensely weird and deeply genuine people, and more frequently

#franposting #apropos of me being weirder and more terrible and more honest lately #and it feels. good? mentally clearer. more at peace #this isnt some oh small talk is bullshit nonsense #it has a place! we need socisl scripts to be polite and function sometimes!#i am simply saying that i personally have spent far too long being the idea of a person. the mask of one #that i want to start being a real person. my pinocchio ass out here like #people pleasing out of fear needs to stop. you can be unsettling. babe. babe its okay. you can laugh ugly and loud and be strange #and too intense and think too much and say strange things #and the world wont end. you can be a person warts and all #it is so weird. and also lowkey pathetic that i am only realizing this now aged 27 #like. my fear didnt make me more palatable or more loved.#it just made me lonely AND more depressed #i might still be isolated and lonely and offputting. but at least i can laugh at myself in joy in the meanwhile #idk if that makes any sense but it does to me so maybe thats all that matters for this post #ANYWAY everyone who ive been talking w lately #(yall know who u are)#im like. thank u. thank u

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nozomimi01 · 2 months

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reached the part in dungeon meshi where laios and shuro get into an argument and shuro expresses anger about laios' inability to read the mood, that was tough to read...

#dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi spoilers #i identify a lot with laios #but i'm still scared of labeling myself as autistic cuz... well i'm not diagnosed #tbf i'm not even sure i want to go through getting an official diagnosis but...#it'd help make things a bit clearer in my mind i think #but then there's the rest of the 'real-world implications' i don't want to go through #anyways i'm just rambling in the tags don't mind me #but if you read through this anyways #well thanks *awkward smile*

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mrfoox · 10 months

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Uh. Like month... 4... Without an big breakdown and im 😳 what.... Wha

#miranda talking shit #I always say this but holy shit what the fuck i didnt think medication could have so much impact #I thought be being numb would be the best case. But here i am like 👍 life's not so bleak. I have loved ones. There's more for me to see #Like what the fuck.... Ive been sucidal since i was 11... I thought that would just be permanent for me... That it would kill me one day #But here i am just.... Like...living?#I mean im still not living life to the fullest mainly bc im still not used to just ... Be and not feel like garbage #I still have many problems and inner battles but they don't .... Send me into the abyss or worse #Anti medication people can probably argue if im ACTUALLY happy or just high of my meds or something but i...#I just feel like myself but ...kinda like when you put on glasses after being without them for a while #You see things clearer again and you had forgotten that your eyes were bad #I see the same things who would make me smile for 1 second. Now i see them and they make me smile for half a minute or more #I feel i think a lot more and notice smaller things. Smaller delights. A little cute bug flying by. An pretty flower outside. Someone #Laughing with their friend. A child playing outside. They all make me happy now and i just ... Yeah.#I am not the most positive person alive or am super happy all the time... But having actual ... Normal days #Actually be just... Just fine. Not 'i have managed to not cry and kept my mental health in check somewhat etc' but actually just #Things are fine. On an scale more in tune with others version if fine. Im used to my okay days just being like... Oh i was awake today #I ate a meal today. I didn't cry. But i still had my usual bad mental space but it was fine bc it was a bit more manageable #That was a fine day. Now I'm like... Id describe my days now as great days. I usually have one or two of these days #Per year ... Now i have them like daily... Theyre just fine. It blows my mind...#Ive always been positive to medication despite not finding one that helped me as much as i... Wanted. But now it's like #Holy shit yeah. Wish i found this medicine at age 15 when i started and not 10 years later but man im glad i finally found it #So glad i decided not to just settle with the one i had. When i brought up i wanted to try new medication again #Doctors were like what... But why? And it's like.... Yeah that one i had was.... The best i had found at the time and i had kept it for 3 #Years. But it did only help me to stabilize some. I still felt like garbage... And explaining that to a doctor is like... Idk how to do that #Like id say my old medication helped 25% i know it helped mostly with my general anxiety. But it wasn't like to a point i felt #It was a GOOD medication for me. Just ... It was the best i had tried so... It was fine...

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pirateborn-a · 1 year

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Still busy but less so now so LIKE / REPLY to this if you’d like me to send an ask or a few from your prompts tag ?

#inbox call.#[ ooc ] ✧〖 bid farewell to weaver’s town 〗#[ specify any preferences as always uvu #[ also i do have noted past calls just fdkjlsd yeah cannot get brain to write ic rn #[ shaking in my chair i want to write............ stares longingly at inbox/drafts #[ finals Sure are but should be able to have brainspace to least get a few replies out in a couple of days uvu #[ tyty'all for tolerating my rambling bs it Will happen again---#[ dskdsl #[ will also try n. start finally looking at the blogs of those who followed past few weeks bc i have Not been doing that whoops-#[ do also plan to clarify rules pages n update pages in general :thonk: might make a relationship call some point n make #[ a page for that as well #[ want to make clearer in my rules tho def namely in what ways i consider myself/this blog selective #[ and also i.#[ lord have mercy dont let me make another blog #[ freakin... what do you mean you could make a multi but just use it to try out characters what do you Mean---#[ sighs #[ bege hatchi and chimney just tposing out the corner of my eyes-- /lh /lh #[ bonks myself

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earl-grey-love · 2 years

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I've been reading a lot of books lately and it really has been a great medium for self-discovery. Learning what I do and don't like, what works in plots vs what doesn't, character likeability etc. It's definitely going to help me as a writer. But also a person, weirdly enough.

I'm not someone who really steps out of my comfort zone. I'd always replay/watch the same games/movies/tv shows/anime/music. Only really read fics or books I loved as a teen as well I'll be honest lol. But kinda in the last two years I started changing that. Mainly cus my mental health improved enough for me to cope w unfamiliarity or darker themes, but also due to boredom. The enclosure lacked fresh stimuli.

For example, I never would have touched Mad M*n with a ten-foot pole a few years ago. Now I'd rate it as one of the best shows I have ever seen. And due to that, I was able to realise that I want to write something like that, and that writing something like that is possible. Which I never would have known I was compelled by such a thing if I never stopped watching lord of the rings on repeat.

#I had a point somewhere but I think I dont let myself lost long enough to properly make it #but after reading several books I couldnt put down #some which were okay #and others that made me want to take a really long shower in the hopes it clenses what I just read from my soul #I now have a much clearer view not only of writing as a whole but also of myself #and the most important lesson of all is that Im definitely gay and not really for men #also I dont understand allosexuals at all #even tho personally Id be really happy to write prn for a living #but not like where they jump on each other two seconds after breathing in the same room together #not that theres anything wrong with that #but Id rather wait 2000 years til I know every inch of their soul and then- [censored]#*ahem*#so like yeah something something go read a book #levi speaks #suggestive

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astrxealis · 1 year

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comin in ere just rq to say tldr (final. real.) fuuta !! i want him to be voted innocent/forgiven bcs i hope he can. make peace with himself. i think he's truly a good guy at heart even if that doesn't excuse all that he did (i think he's. some sort of victim too and he deserved better. by this i mean like w his friends?? some sort of pressure and all. also the fact all the blame got put onto him which sucks but also with context, if that context is right, is rather deserved ngl. also i'm worried if he gets voted guilty bcs something bad will def happen)

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚#being a twitter user and chronically online did this to him /j #joking bcs yeah a bit of that maybe but i think the guy is kinda lonely. like. friends but there's the pressure from them too and all #yeah my thoughts are clearer now (phew!) i think i think too hard and too much but thinking so much was fun tbh #now i'm chill (listening to haruka's song on repeat as i try to do homework. keyword try)#he/milgram/viewers/es. the 'same'. and. agh. it is just so interesting and so so amazing to me (wow!)#but now i will try to chill (keyword try. it is 1 am i really should do my homework i hate chem)#i have more hw for the week still and then next week... i'll try to do my best and hopefully not get distracted #it's still kinda complicated bcs i want to vote 'what would be best overall' but yeah forgiving him aligns with that i think #as well as my own personal beliefs. so yeah #huh. i think i just thought way too much and confused myself (happens often bcs i try to understand all sides. oops!)#i like fuuta a lot. he reminds me of himself and that's another reason why i think forgiving him this time is for the best #and then ultimately forgiving him as well. but imo guilty first trial actually makes sense even if... at the same time idk #it kinda broke him uhh. made him unstable and all. yk the drama audio yeah. but it helped in making his beliefs better and all #i think milgram makes my brain go into overdrive. maybe even a bit too much #didn't realize how much time passed and i was just thinking and talking about milgram goddamn #hi more thoughts but yeah... he feels regret and i think hes starting to feel guilty. maybe? im not sure my head is sort of a mess again #maybe i just need to sleep. it is 5 am now. hmmm. but yeah hes definitely changed #he's heading towards improvment <3 !! fuuta innocent so true please #im still confused about whether the whole. Guilt thing #sometimes i forget what some words mean or use them as synonyms oops (metavoting and guilt oops!)

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suttttton · 2 years

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me 🤝 my mom undiagnosed anxiety disorders

#the older i get the clearer it becomes that me and my mom catastrophize about things very similarly #difference is i found healthy coping mechanisms while my mom found homophobic death cult evangelical christianity #of course this realization makes me feel very bad for my mom because like. i get it.#she tells me that she worries about me and i know she doesn't mean the normal way moms worry about their kids i know she actually means #that she has a creeping suspicion that my life choices are going to send me to hell and she feels powerless to stop it #and her brain will not let her think about anything else so 24/7 its just alarms blaring #and because she's constructed her entire belief system around having anxiety she's like. this fear i feel is a message from god.#and i have no idea how to help her #like????#she's literally believed these things fro her entire life giving them up feels like the end of the world #and her WHOLE FAMILY is there with her so even if she could realize she'd be happier without these beliefs #she'd immediately have a dozen trusted voices telling her no actually. your anxiety is correct and you're right to afraid all the time #for awhile when i was like. 18-19. the major question i had about my childhood was WHY didn't my mom never take me to therapy #because yeah okay she came from a culture where therapy isn't trusted and god is supposed to fix all your mental illnesses #but she read all the parenting books and universally took experts' advice over what she'd learned from her own parents #(because she knew her parents hadn't done a great job and didn't want to repeat their mistakes)#and she KNEW i was REALLY bad. i was crying all the time having her drive me to the bookstore to get books i thought might help #sending myself into anxious spirals if anyone mentioned death around me #not a fun time in my life or her life #and she DID take me to talk to my pediatrician about it so like??? why did we never see a therapist???#i was 9 i though there was just nothing that could be done but????????#but now i realize that what happened to me back then didn't really scan in my mother's head as something wrong with me #because she was the same way #:/

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emeryleewho · 1 year

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I used to work for a trade book reviewer where I got paid to review people's books, and one of the rules of that review company is one that I think is just super useful to media analysis as a whole, and that is, we were told never to critique media for what it didn't do but only for what it did.

So, for instance, I couldn't say "this book didn't give its characters strong agency or goals". I instead had to say, "the characters in this book acted in ways that often felt misaligned with their characterization as if they were being pulled by the plot."

I think this is really important because a lot of "critiques" people give, if subverted to address what the book does instead of what it doesn't do, actually read pretty nonsensical. For instance, "none of the characters were unique" becomes "all of the characters read like other characters that exist in other media", which like... okay? That's not really a critique. It's just how fiction works. Or "none of the characters were likeable" becomes "all of the characters, at some point or another, did things that I found disagreeable or annoying" which is literally how every book works?

It also keeps you from holding a book to a standard it never sought to meet. "The world building in this book simply wasn't complex enough" becomes "The world building in this book was very simple", which, yes, good, that can actually be a good thing. Many books aspire to this. It's not actually a negative critique. Or "The stakes weren't very high and the climax didn't really offer any major plot twists or turns" becomes "The stakes were low and and the ending was quite predictable", which, if this is a cute romcom is exactly what I'm looking for.

Not to mention, I think this really helps to deconstruct a lot of the biases we carry into fiction. Characters not having strong agency isn't inherently bad. Characters who react to their surroundings can make a good story, so saying "the characters didn't have enough agency" is kind of weak, but when you flip it to say "the characters acted misaligned from their characterization" we can now see that the *real* problem here isn't that they lacked agency but that this lack of agency is inconsistent with the type of character that they are. a character this strong-willed *should* have more agency even if a weak-willed character might not.

So it's just a really simple way of framing the way I critique books that I think has really helped to show the difference between "this book is bad" and "this book didn't meet my personal preferences", but also, as someone talking about books, I think it helps give other people a clearer idea of what the book actually looks like so they can decide for themselves if it's worth their time.

Update: This is literally just a thought exercise to help you be more intentional with how you critique media. I'm not enforcing this as some divine rule that must be followed any time you have an opinion on fiction, and I'm definitely not saying that you have to structure every single sentence in a review to contain zero negative phrases. I'm just saying that I repurposed a rule we had at that specific reviewer to be a helpful tool to check myself when writing critiques now. If you don't want to use the tool, literally no one (especially not me) can or wants to force you to use it. As with all advice, it is a totally reasonable and normal thing to not have use for every piece of it that exists from random strangers on the internet. Use it to whatever extent it helps you or not at all.

#writing #writing advice #writing tips #am writing #books #booklr #fiction #media analysis

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downfallofi · 4 months

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Been a while since one of my sister's parties made me actively shut down and go nonverbal; It's also been a while since I came away with a feeling of such strong /I am made entirely wrong, I am fucking broken, and I wish I could k*ll myself/ but ya know. That's what happens when you get wisked right off the bus from work and everyone is chatting around a bonfire for three hours and one of the few safe people is always occupied and. Like how else am I supposed to feel when

Four separate times

I was introducing myself like "hey, I'm Bryan, Bailey's brother", and then we just sat in awkward silence and I couldn't continue the conversation, so the person Got Up and Left to talk to someone else. How else am I supposed to take that other than that I fucking just suck. And Ive tried. I tried so hard.

But it isnt their fault is it? There were activities that even introverted people can get into.

My sister was prodding me like there's rad people over there, did you talk to anyone neat, such and such works for Boeing, and I tried and I just.

It isnt their fault Im made like this. It isnt their fault Im unable to carry on a conversation with real adults or just hop in and work the fire pit with people that know how to build fires, or do literally anything that engages people at a party. It's mine.

Happy fucking solstice I guess. Jesus christ.