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mari-beau · 3 years

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GIVE ME A REASON: PART FOUR - A Rogue One Fanfic

So this part/scene got a little out of control. Ironically, since I only had the base idea of when it would take place until I started writing it. You can also find/read this story on AO3 now.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Title: Give Me A Reason: Part Four

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Characters: Jyn Erso POV, Cassian Andor

Pairing: Cassian/Jyn (mostly pre-ship?)

Spoilers: Rogue One; Episode IV A New Hope

Setting: Post-Rogue One AU (Cassian & Jyn live); Also during/post A New Hope

Warnings: Some sappiness?

Words: 2,978

Story Summary: Jyn’s entire universe has been turned on its head, so maybe she’s clinging a little too hard to the one thing she feels certain of (strangely enough) as she tries to figure out her place in the galaxy. And maybe she’s being a little overprotective of a wounded captain.

Also can be found on AO3.

...

“Ms. Erso, it is time for you to vacate the infirmary.”

Jyn jerked, jarred from sleep and reaching for the knife she no longer had on her person. Her situation settled back around her surfacing consciousness, calming her immediate fight-or-flight response but keeping her on edge.

“No,” she told the medical orderly droid. “I already told the doctors, medical staff and you lot that I’m not leaving Captain Andor. I don’t want him to wake up alone.”

“Yes. You were most clear regarding your intransigence, Ms. Erso.”

Droids had the worst attitudes. Shouldn’t med ones be programmed with a better bedside manner?

“But the bed is needed,” the droid went on when she just wanted it to go away so she could wallow in the overwhelming mix of emotions drowning her; loss, guilt, relief. “There are numerous incoming casualties from a skirmish in the Za’dan sector.”

Jyn scowled, but didn’t budge.

“What difference does it make if I leave? It’s not like I’m taking up an extra bed.” As if to prove her point, she shifted closer to Cassian in the infirmary cot, making her already petite body take up even less room.

“Captain Andor is to be processed for discharge. So you will keep your superfluous vow that he won’t wake up alone. Even though he wouldn’t be alone anyway. There are medical staff and med-droids present.”

Jyn was too alarmed by the droid’s revelation to mind the griping typical to its type.

“You’re discharging him?!” Jyn shifted, pushing herself up to study the unconscious man.

How well she knew every bruise and injury visible and many hidden by the white medical tunic and pants. She’d passed out herself from exhaustion as they began treating her injuries, but as soon as she’d woken up, she’d bullied, threatened and pleaded until they brought her to Cassian, making her wait outside the operating room, only able to watch as they finished the surgeries and treatments. They’d let her curl up in a chair next to the Bacta tank they’d stuck him in afterward, and no one even questioned by the time he was relocated to an infirmary bed when she climbed in beside him.

She’d seen the bandages, bruises, burns and scars. And she knew how they’d changed as the hours, the days had passed. Barely days, just three days since Scarif. Were they insane? They were just going to turn him out, in his condition?

Apparently, they were.

The med-droid was already injecting him with something, and Cassian was rousing. Jyn’s heart beat faster and she practically held her breath, on her knees on the edge of the bed, leaning forward with anticipatory anxiety, clutching at her kyber crystal with one hand. His past few hours of sleep had been strained. He’d been unconscious but also tense, in pain. She’d felt it in the rigidity of his muscles, the periodic hitches in his breathing.

“Did you give him more meds for the pain, too?” she asked the droid. How could they ask him to get back on his feet when he was in so much pain just lying still?

“Yes. And the stimulant should keep him awake until he gets settled back into his quarters.”

Jyn sagged in relief slightly until Cassian came crashing back into reality with a gasp and a jerk, and bewildered, began to thrash. She threw herself on top of him, placing her hands on his shoulders to hold him down, hoping he wouldn’t hurt himself worse, but understanding how confused and frightened he must feel.

“Cassian, It’s Jyn.” As if that would make a difference to him, if he even remembered her upon waking from a days-long practically-a-coma, someone he’d only met far less than a week ago and since had suffered devastating traumas. “You’re safe. You’re on the rebel base on Yavin 4. In the infirmary.”

Almost instantly, he went still, calmed, like a switch had been thrown. But she supposed the man did have quick reflexes, was highly adaptable to various situations. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have made it so long as a rebel spy.

“Jyn?” His eyes found her face. They were a little glassy and unfocused but were still, well, captivating, dark, intelligent and expressive. “What happened?”

“We did it.” She shifted back to kneeling beside him, gave him a smile, a genuine one albeit bittersweet. They had succeeded in their mission, but at a tremendous cost. “The plans to the Death Star were received by the fleet.”

“Are they planning an attack?” Cassian pushed himself up to a sitting position, wincing and inhaling sharply, making Jyn picture the freshly healed surgical incisions that were doubtless strained by the movement.

“I…” Jyn had never thought to ask. The moment she realized they weren’t going to die on that beach, making sure Cassian survived had become her only concern. “I don’t know.”

“I should report to Command.” Cassian moved to get out of the infirmary bed, but Jyn stopped him, grabbing his arm to hold him back. She shimmied across the bed and hopped off it to stand in front of him.

“If they needed any more information or intel, they would’ve asked me.” It sounded plausible, even though if they’d tried it, she couldn’t rightly say she would’ve cooperated (they hadn’t listened to her the last time she tried to convince them of the truth), but especially if it meant leaving Cassian’s side. Even for a moment. How had someone else become her primary, her only concern, that she now cared only for his welfare? “And you’re not in any shape to help. Give yourself a little more time to heal.”

She reached for him as he was already trying to stand, stiffening and wobbling for a moment when he was fully upright. But Jyn would support him without him needing to ask, slid her arms around his waist and tucked her shoulder under one of his arms. He leaned into her, likely without even realizing it. From what Jyn could tell, Cassian was an independent sort of person, like herself, but unlike herself, was not too proud to accept help, being more of a team player than she ever had been.

His fingers went to pinch the bridge of his nose and his eyes squeezed shut. He took a long, deep breath, swaying a little.

“How far are your quarters from the infirmary?” she asked.

He sighed. That close, was it?

“Can you make it? If I help you?” Jyn looked around, but the droid had already stripped the bed and skittered off. She would go find whatever he needed for assistance because maybe he was a little proud, too, and had sacrificed a good portion of his independence by leaning on her. She waited, letting him decide, despite her wanting to wrap him up in soft warm blankets in a fluffy bed of pillows and keep him safe.

“Let’s try it. I should probably find out how bad the damage is sooner than later.” His expression had gone tight and unreadable, and her heart broke to think of the justified fear he must be feeling, that he may have suffered permanent damage that could affect the rest of his life, that might take away his purpose of serving the rebellion.

“They healed the blaster wound easily, but you’ve got an impressive scar,” she said as he took a tentative step, using her like a crutch, not questioning why or how she knew his wounds and medical diagnosis and treatments. “The fractures in your vertebrae and ribs probably haven’t completely knitted yet but the prognosis is good.”

Well, this wasn’t so bad. His weight was a burden making her own steps difficult, but Jyn didn’t begrudge it, not when it meant he was alive, and on his feet even. And they were already at the infirmary door. The medical staff hadn’t given them even a second look, but Jyn steeled herself for the possibility of stares as they entered the rest of the base. She couldn’t care less but these were Cassian’s fellow soldiers and he deserved their respect and not pity.

“They replaced your hip and part of your femur,” she said when they entered the hallway.

“Is that why it feels like I’ve been sliced open from my ribs down to my knee?”

“They sealed you back up.”

A light chuckle escaped him. “Things could be worse, then.”

They could, they really could. If Jyn were to make comparisons, it wasn’t just the fact that they hadn’t died on Scarif like it seemed they should’ve, but this situation she found herself in, saddled with a wounded spy (by her own choosing), on a rebel base, a Death Star out there somewhere in the galaxy… It was still the best place she’d been in since… Since she was abandoned by Saw at 16? Since her mother had died and her father had been taken?

Part of her that enjoyed the warmth of Cassian’s body beside hers, the feel of his wiry flank beneath her hand, the smell of his skin, even the weight of him he placed on her shoulders, that part proposed that this was the best situation, the best time in her entire life.

How pathetic did that make her?

She enjoyed dragging a severely wounded man around some giant old ruins half-reclaimed by the jungle converted to a military base… sort of base… The Alliance was so loosely confederated, everything seemed slapped together and piecemeal.

But hopefully the medical facilities had been up to par… They had seemed nicer than anything Jyn had ever experienced. But that wasn’t saying much at all.

“You need a minute?” she asked, finally realizing Cassian’s steps and breathing had become labored. She maneuvered him towards a wall and leaned up against it with him, nodding to a passing rebel soldier of indeterminable rank and unnotable appearance.

“Maybe it would’ve been better if you’d left me on Scarif,” he said, his voice low, quiet and pained as he almost-panted, sagging against the ancient stone wall.

“No,” she said. “You don’t mean that.”

“I was ready to die.”

She didn’t want to hear this. The meds and the strain were making him say things. She told him as much.

He shook his head.

“Listen to me, Jyn.”

What could she do? What could she say? That she didn’t want to hear how he valued his life so little, that he’d throw it away just for the slim chance of providing an opportunity for the rebellion to destroy some Imperial weapon, a terrifying one, but one weapon of many. She-

“I felt peace. For the first time in my life, probably.” His voice had gotten even lower and quieter, almost a whisper, wistful even. Jyn didn’t dare look at him, had to concentrate on breathing normally when she felt his fingers slip into her hand. It was easier to consider her unsolicited affection for the man when he was giving no indication of whether or not he returned it. “And I think it was because you were there. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I didn’t feel alone.”

Oh, Force. He was getting delirious, saying things that, from what she knew of him, he would never share even if he did feel them.

“Come on, let’s get you back to your own bed.”

He didn’t say anything else as they traversed several more halls, and Jyn wondered if she’d hurt his feelings by not responding to his raw, quiet confession. But he continued to lean on her without any hesitation and the silence between them felt comfortable. It was strange. He’d made her so tense in the beginning, the way he watched her, how secretive he was, so guarded. But somehow, somewhere along the way, she grew to not only feel comfortable with Cassian Andor, but to trust him as she’d never trusted anyone else before.

And she thought, maybe he trusted her in return. He followed her on a suicide mission, let her support his injured, vulnerable self on Scarif, let her drag him off that cursed planet, and now lead him across the rebel base, passing by people who really amounted to the only family he’d ever had.

There weren’t many, however. And none stopped. Or stared, too much. The med droid must have been right about the incoming survivors of the skirmish, everyone seemed a little rushed and mission-oriented. Or maybe there was more going on…

“Stop. Stop.”

Jyn immediately froze.

“Are you okay?” she asked, shifting beneath Cassian’s weight to try to get a good look at his face. “Do you need a break?”

“We’re home,” Cassian said, his eyelids sliding nearly shut before they shot open again.

“Oh,” Jyn said, ignoring the way something fluttered inside of her over his choice of words. “Which one?”

“Left side of the hall.” He indicated the door directly to their left with a nod of his head. The stimulant must be failing to combat the pain meds, and his body’s need to rest, to heal. Because he was getting heavier and more slack in her arms.

They staggered over to the door to his quarters and he was at least coherent enough to punch his code into the lock. His room was by no means large, barely larger than Jyn’s cell on Wobani. But at least he didn’t have a cellmate, er, bunkmate… Well, not officially…

She basically dumped him on the narrow bed, which he didn’t seem to mind at all, making a groaning sound of relief and taking several deep breaths, his legs hanging awkwardly off the side. Not knowing what else to do, she bent to lift his legs and slide them onto the bed, forcing him to lay down in a less uncomfortable position. She pulled the white slip-on infirmary shoes off his feet and tossed them in a corner, feeling only a flash of contrition over sullying the pristine room. It was so austere, even with two of the walls comprised of the old stone of the ancient temple. It could’ve been anyone’s quarters. No. That was wrong. It’s nondescriptness, everything hidden away in the meager storage units, only Cassian would keep his personal space in such a spartan manner.

“Cassian…?”

He mumbled something she took to imply he was listening and not passed out yet.

“Do you have extra bedding? A blanket or something?” She could do without. She had, many times. But it would be a little bit better than sleeping on the bare hard stone floor.

“No… Jungle moon… Already too hot… Why?”

“I was going to sleep here, if you don’t mind,” Jyn said. Why was this an awkward conversation to have? Why was she so afraid he’d say no, send her away? “On the floor.”

His eyes opened and that furrow formed between his brows as he studied her with a gaze that seemed to be having trouble focusing. But then he was scooching over until he was almost touching the wall.

“I think this is a nanometer larger than the infirmary cot,” he said. “What do you think?”

Jyn tried not to smile as she kicked off her own flimsy infirmary shoes and climbed onto Cassian’s bed to stretch out beside him. Something inside her sighed, content. She didn’t let it out.

“I don’t know…” she said. “But I guess if they made the infirmary beds nicer than the barracks, they’d have sick rebels all the time.”

A chuckle escaped through his nose.

“I don’t think they usually offer an ángel as a companion, either.”

“What?” Jyn shifted onto her side to study his face. His eyes were closed and he seemed content. The pain meds must be working.

“My mother was a believer in an Ancient Festian religion that worshipped a creator god. I don’t remember very many specifics...” Jyn didn’t dare breathe out, afraid of interrupting the story, softly spoken with hints of nostalgia, sharing a childhood memory, an intimacy she knew Cassian permitted, well, probably no one. “Except, there were these creatures that did the creator’s bidding, guiding people, aiding them, saving them… Angeles… I don’t know the word in Basic…”

He looked at her, and her apprehension about breaking the spell ebbed. Cassian knew full well who he was talking to, even if the pain meds had loosened his tongue, broken down the rigid walls he kept around his private self.

“I don’t know the word, either,” Jyn said. “I’’ve never heard of such creatures, mythical or otherwise.”

Cassian laughed, a soft little rumble that was accompanied by that rare smile of his that was brighter than a yellow dwarf sun and warmed her just as well. But, “What’s funny about that?”

“You…” His hand found hers, fingers sliding against her palm to curl around hers, engulfing her smaller hand. He shifted to face her, wincing a little, but his expression was soft if serious and . “Jyn, you saved me, guided me, are still coming to my aid… You’re my angelita…”

Oh, shit, he was so tired and drugged up he was becoming incoherent. Hopefully, he wouldn’t remember saying such emotional things- oh.

He brought her hand to his lips and kissed the back of her knuckles, making her swallow a gasp of surprise, and fight the sigh when he held her hand to his chest as he lay back, his eyelids finally losing the battle and sliding shut.

Oh, Cassian…

“Don’t worship me,” she whispered to his sleeping form. “I’m nothing worth venerating.”

Of course, was she behaving any different when it came to him?

They were quite the mess, the two of them.

She wriggled her fingers in his hold until she was able to interlace them with his and feel the warmth of his palm against hers. Jyn closed her eyes, immersing herself in the quiet, safe moment.

#fic: give me a reason #Rogue One #fanfiction #rebelcaptain #cassian x jyn #Cassian Andor #Jyn Erso

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toomuchtv95 · 4 years

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Life Saver

Fandom: Chicago PD / One Chicago

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Wife!Reader

Warning/s: Poorly writing medical talk, Pregnancy, Fluff

Word Count: 2.4k+

Request: Hey can you do a reader wife x Jay halstead where she had gone to check on Pat halstead when the fire happened and she somehow manages to save him and take him med but due smoke inhalation she falls into coma and the test also show that she pregnant.

A/N: I hope you do mind that I changed up the request slightly and I also did change up the plot of the episode just because it made sense of how I writing this.

Masterlist Mobile Masterlist

Wednesday mornings were always a little hectic in the Halstead household. Wednesday mornings you usually head over to your father in-law’s apartment to do your weekly check-in with him since Jay and his father since still aren’t talking unless it involved yelling at each other. You and Pat had been doing these weekly meetups since you and Jay had started your relationship. Pat was welcoming to you which shocked both brothers considering he didn’t even get alone with his own sons.

“Morning.” You walked into the kitchen to see your husband pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“Morning, beautiful.” Jay looked up at you with a smile on his face. A soft smile spread across your face as you placed a hand on his upper arm before leaning in and giving him a soft kiss. “Want something to eat?”

“No, I’m good. I’m grabbing bagels and coffee on the way to your dad's.” You kissed his cheek as you walked over to the kitchen table to grab your gun and badge, but your work phone was missing which was weird cause that was you left it last night. “Have you seen my-” You turned around to see Jay standing next to you with your phone in his hand.

“Right, today’s Wednesday.” Jay handed you your phone before taking a sip of his coffee.

“Yeah, it usually comes after Tuesday.” You smiled at him while shoving your phone in your pocket, before clipping both your gun and badge to your waistband.

“Are you-”

“Don’t start with me.” You leaned forward and kissed his cheek before turning and leaving the kitchen with Jay close on your tail. Walking towards the front door, you grabbed your coat from the coat rack and turned around to see Jay leaning against the railing of the stairs leading upstairs. “I gotta go.” You stepped closer to Jay before leaning forward and connecting your lips to his. Jay placed his free hand on your upper arm pulling you as close as he can to him.

After a moment, Jay pulled away and whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You peaked his lips one last time before pulling back. “Okay, I need to go now.” You grabbed your keys off the table near the front door before opening the door to leave.

“Be safe out there.”

“Right back at you.” You turn around with a smile on your face.

“I don’t understand.” Jay stood outside of your hospital room with his brother Will, who was trying to explain to his brother your condition.

“Because of all the smoke she took in, it caused some inflammation around her airway and lungs. When they brought her in, she was already struggling to breathe.” Will reached over to place a hand on his brother's shoulder for comfort. “The only way to help her heal and breath was to put her in medically induce a coma.”

“A coma?” Jay was still confused about what was happening. “Is she going to wake up?” Tears formed in his eyes as he glanced over at your body that had wires connected to machines and a tube down your throat to help you breathe.

“She needs time for the swelling to go down around her airway before we can wake her up. She on a bunch of medicine to help. We are hoping that it’s no longer than a week.” Will looked at Jay who was on the verge of a breakdown and the other new he had to share he wasn’t sure how he would take it. “There’s more.”

“What do you mean there’s more?” Jay was aggravated not at his brother, not at you, just at the situation. He never imagined that this could happen. Sure, you’ve been shot at, broke bones, consciousness, and everything else the job came with, but never this.

“There is some good news out of this.” Will looked over at your body with a small smile on his face. “Her blood work came back, and everything came back in range for her condition except for one thing.” Jay looked at his brother waiting for the shoe to drop. What else could he possibly have to say to make this better? “Y/N is pregnant. She’s about 6 weeks along.”

“Wait what?” Jay was in complete shock because the two of you weren’t even trying for kids at least not anytime soon. Sure, the two of talked about kids and you both wanted them but the two you just got married within the last years and still were enjoying being married and just the two of you.

“You’re going to be a father, Jay.”

Jay couldn’t even wrap his head around what was happening, and once Jay turned to look at his wife, it hit him. “I’m going to be a father,” Jay whispered. “Wait, if she’s in a coma and-”

“The pregnancy is early enough to where the smoke inhalation didn’t do any damage to the baby. And for her being in a coma, it won’t do any harm to the baby either.” With that said, Will’s pager went off, notifying him he was needed back in the ED. “She got all those people off that floor, including dad. And before you go on a rampage, know that no matter who was on that floor she would have done it regardless. It’s her job as the first responder to jump into action.” Before leaving Will pulled Jay into a hug before letting him know that he would be back later to check on her.

Taking a deep breath, Jay walked into your room and stared at your lifeless body. Grabbing the chair, he pulled it over to the side of the bed and took your hand. “I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but Will says that you might.” He closed his eyes as he tried to hold back his tears. “I love you so much and need you to pull through this. I need you. You are my lifesaver. If it weren’t for you, I would still be in that dark hole that I was digging myself into.” His chest heaved with a quiet sob, and tears welled up behind his eyelids, slipping down his cheeks without resistance.

“On the bright side of all of this, Will did deliver some shocking yet good news.” Jay squeezed your hand tighter. “It looks like it’s not just gonna be the two of us anymore.” A small smile formed on his face as he thought about becoming a father. “So, you need to make it out of this because I can’t do this alone.”

It’s been almost a week since you were brought into Med and you were still in a coma, but Will assured Jay that things are moving in the right direction. A couple of days ago, they had taken the breathing tube out, because the swelling around your airway had gone down enough to were you were breathing on your own. There was still some swelling around your lungs, but the medication you were on was helping and it was going to take some time for it to heal. On a positive note, today was the day they were going to wake you up because of all your vital signs where they were needed to be to wake you. They had a few hours until they were going to wake up, so Jay decided to run around and get some errands done.

“Here again, pops?” Will walked into your room to check on you when he saw his father sitting in the chair next to your bed. Ever since you been in the hospital, Pat had to visit you every day and just sat there with you. Since the fire Jay and his father have gotten along a lot better than they used to. Pat was thrilled to learn that he was going to a grandfather and being trapped in that fire, just made him realize that life is to short to be picking stupid fights with his sons.

“Well, I wanted to be here when they woke her up.” Pat placed the newspaper he was reading down on the table near the bed before looking up at his son.

“It’s gonna be a couple of hours.” Will walked over to the machines to record your vitals.

“I don’t mind,” with that said, Will mentioned to his father that Jay should be here in a little bit before disappearing to treat his other patients. Pat looked over at you with a small smile on his face. “I know I’ve never said this before but I’m glad you came into Jay’s life when you did. If it weren’t for you, he would still be in a dark place. When he returned from the war he was in a dark place and then you came around and his whole world was flipped around. I’m just glad that he manned up and told you how he felt.” Pat let out a dry chuckle at the last part. “I’m glad I have you as a daughter and I couldn’t be more thrilled to become a grandfather.”

Hours passed and it was finally time to wake you up and Jay was more than ready. “Once we lighten the sedation, she may or may not wake up right away, it’s perfectly normal. It could take a while.” Will handed Jay the paper for his consent. Once Jay signed the papers, Will motions for the nurse to inject the medicine into your IV. “I’m going to go find dad. He wanted to hear when she woke up. Give it time. She will wake up.” Will patted his shoulder as he left Jay alone with his wife.

20mins passed and you were still not awake, but Jay was staying positive. Jay was staring out the window with his arms folded against his chest. “Jay…” Jay snapped his head in your direction and when he saw that you were awake, he sprinted over to you. You glanced over at the water on the bedside table which Jay took as his cue to give you some water.

After taking a few sips of water, Jay put the cup back on the table and stood by your bedside while stroking your hair. “What happened?” You spoke in a low tone almost a whisper.

“You’re at med.” Jay sat on the edge of your bed holding your hand. “Do you remember what happen?”

“I remember I was having breakfast with your dad and then there was a fire.” You let out a soft cough which caused your throat to ache. “Then I remember the ambulance ride to med, but that’s about it. How long was I out for?”

“Sweetheart,” Jay's face softened, and you knew Jay too well to know that something was wrong.

“What is it, Jay?”

“There’s no easy way to tell you this,” Jay took a deep into your eyes before continuing. “Because of the smoke you took it, both your airway and lungs were inflamed. You were struggling to breathe when you came into the ED and the only way to help you breathe and heal was to put you in a medically induced coma.”

A coma? How long have you been out for then? “Jay, how long?” You weren’t sure you wanted to know, but you knew you had to know.

“A week,” you were in complete shock. You struggled to sit up on your own, so Jay lightly grabbed your one arm and used his other arm to place behind your back to gently move you to sit up.

“How’s your dad? Is he okay?” Jay gave you a soft small, knowing that was going to be your first question. You always put other people’s needs before you, which was one of the reasons why fell in love with you all those years ago.

“He’s fine. Suffered a little smoke inhalation. He was here every day for the last week, sitting here with you.” Jay reached over and stroked your cheek with his thumb before moving a strand of hair behind your ear. “When I heard about the fire at dad’s apartment building, I got really worried. I thought I was going to lose you.” You could sense that Jay was holding back something else and just as you about to ask, Jay spoke up. “There’s something else I need to tell you.”

“Jay whatever it-”

“We are going to be parents sooner then we planned.” You looked at Jay with confusion. “Your about 7 weeks along. And before you started panicking about the health of the baby because of the smoke, Will said that the baby is perfectly healthy.”

As you sat there, tears formed in your eyes not out of sadness but out of joy. You looked up at Jay and all you could do was use whatever strength you had in you to pull Jay in for a passionate kiss. Jay returns the kiss with everything he had. After a moment, Jay pulled away slightly and rested his forehead against yours.

“We are going to be a family.” You rested your hand on his cheek before planted another soft kiss on lips. “I love you, Jay.”

“I love you, more.”

#jay halstead #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead imagine #chicago pd imagine #chicago pd x reader #Chicago PD

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flor3nces · 4 years

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help me | spencer reid x fem!reader

AHHH OMG i am so in love with this. my heart yall. my heart :(. ugh im so so proud on how this turned out. this is sort of based off season 15 episode 9 “face off.” n e wayssss, i hope you enjoy this because i sure enjoy writing this <3

going alone was a mistake. i knew that the moment i spotted both of our unsubs together. two against one. it wasn’t going to end well. i should’ve called for backup when i had the chance but i didn’t.

“fbi! put your hands where i can see them!” i yelled. they turned around and my heart stopped for a moment. “drop the gun.” marcus was ruthless, he’d shoot a federal agent if he had too, or if he even wanted to.

marcus dropped the gun. “kick it over here. anthony drop the backpack.” he dropped the backpack just as his father kicked over the gun. i needed to pick up the gun and put into my holster before marcus even tried to make a move to get it back.

having to pick up the gun meant i had to let my guard down. i thought over it for a moments but kept a straight face and gun pointed at them. i started to lower my body to the ground but kept looking up every few moments.

it wasn’t until i got to the gun, that i completely let my guard down. i turned my head towards the gun, and that’s when i heard the gun shot. i didn’t have enough time to react as it hit just under my arm.

the gunshot sent me into the air. i landed roughly onto the concrete. marcus and anthony got into the car just a few moments after and sped off. i turned my head as the car rushed past me. my vision started to get filled with black spots but i didn’t let myself close my eyes.

i coughed and a bunch of blood came out. more and more blood gushed out. i was certain that at this point i was laying right in a pile of my own blood. tears welled up in my eyes as i started to cough again. blood covered my entire mouth and spilled over the side of my face.

spencer’s voice rang in my ears but i couldn’t move my arm to even try and let him know that i was shot. “y/n? where are you?” only a few moments passed before his voice came back. “y/n, do you copy?”

i couldn’t do anything. i just laid there, bleeding out in a garage of some building. i’d probably die in here if no one came in here.

footsteps. they were coming closer and closer. i didn’t even try and move my head. “y/n!” spencer. it was spencer. i wasn’t going to die after all. at least not here. “we need an ambulance, y/n’s down!” i heard spencer yell into his mic as he put pressure on my wound. “you’re going to be okay, okay? stay with me, y/n.”

i tried. i really did but my eyes were starting to get heavy and i was getting fairly tired. “no, no. hey, look at me.” i let my eyes find spencer’s face. “that’s it, look at me.” i coughed again and more blood came out. just as i was losing conscious i heard the medics rushing to spencer and i.

“stay with me, y/n.” i heard some woman say as they put me onto the stretcher. they put an oxygen mask over my face and wheeled me into the ambulance. that’s when i blacked out.

SPENCER’S POV

i watched as they wheeled y/n into the ambulance. i felt a hand on my shoulder. “go, we’ll find them.” i turned towards jj and sent her a tight lipped smile before running off to get into the ambulance before they took off.

“is she going to be okay?” my voice was shaky as i spoke. the nurse gave me a small smile. “she’s strong. she’ll make it.” i nodded at her words and held y/n’s hand.

it wasn’t until we got to the hospital when things went wrong. just as they were about to wheel her into a room her heart stopped. not only did her’s stop, but so did mine.

they ripped her shirt open and started to try and get her heart running again. i just stood there, helpless. i watched as the first try in getting her back, didn’t work. her body jolted as the defibrillator came in contact with her skin. “again!”

i watched as her body jolted once again. “she’s back!” i turned my head towards her heart monitor so fast, i could've gotten whiplash. and her heart was back to normal, or at least running again. thank god. i wasn’t going to lose her, at least not today.

“are you her husband?” a nurse i’ve never seen before asked me as i watched them wheel her away. “no, she’s- she’s not married.”

“are you her boyfriend?” i shook my head. “okay, i’ll call you when she’s out of surgery.” i walked to the waiting room they had for federal agents and waited.

the team called and asked to give them updates. penelope called and asked if she was okay, as soon as i answered the phone. “yeah, she’s in surgery right now.” i heard her let out a sigh of relief.

“please, call me as soon as you hear something.” i told her, i’d try and make her one of the first to hear about her condition.

it seemed as if i was waiting for hours. i ended up falling asleep only to be awoken by a smiling nurse telling me that she made it. i jumped out of my seat and asked to see her.

“of course, she’s in a coma right now. but she’ll hopefully be awake soon.” the nurse told me as she lead the way towards her room. i thanked her in a small voice before walking into her room.

as soon as i saw her laying there. with so many iv’s attached to her arm, tears welled up in my eyes. i stood by her, reaching over to push her hair out of her face.

“i’m sorry. i’m so sorry, y/n. i should’ve realized that you were missing sooner. but i didn’t and because of that you almost died.

i can’t imagine a world without you. and i know how corny this is going to sound but, i would’ve hated myself for the rest of my life if i let you die without telling you how i feel.

truth is, i’ve loved you were since you walked through those doors. which is 6 years, 47 days, 5 minutes, and 39 seconds ago from now. i thought it was just a silly crush at first and i’d get over it but i didn’t.

the moment i realized that i might lose you cause my heart to stop. i’d say world but you’re my world. if they didn’t get your heart beating again, i would’ve lost my world...”

i stopped for a moment to let out a small chuckle. “just, please for the love of god, please wake up. i don’t know what i’d do if i lost you. please.. don’t leave me.” i didn’t even notice that i was crying until a tear landed on her hand.

i wiped it quickly. i pulled up a chair next to her bed and laid my head beside her arm. my eyes shut and i fell asleep rather fast.

i was awoken again by fingers going through my hair. i lifted my head up and turned towards the source. “hi.” y/n’s voice was a bit rough but it still came out as soft as she could make it. “hey. how’re you feeling?”

“well.. despite being shot, i’m okay.”

“that’s not funny. i thought i almost lost you. your heart stopped, you know?”

“i’m sorry, i just don’t want this room to be all sad.”

“no, it’s alright. i’m sorry for snapping at you.”

“hey, it’s okay. i’d be the same if this were to happen to you.”

her hand found mine and she began playing with my fingers. “you know, i was putting up a hella of a fight before i eventually lost?” i looked at her as she spoke. it was as if nothing else in the world matter because i didn’t lose her. i still had her and it wasn’t really the best moment to tell her how i feel but before i could change my mind the world came flying out of my mouth.

“i love you.” silence engulfed the room quickly. “i love you too, spence.” y/n said after a while. “no, not like that. y/n, i’m in love with you and i have been for the past six years.”

i avoided eye contact with her at all cost as i just confessed how i felt towards her for the longest time. “spencer, look at me please.” i slowly looked up and met her eyes.

her pupils were very dilated and i couldn’t believe i didn’t see it sooner. “god, you don’t know how long i’ve wanted to hear those words.” her giggles filled the room and it felt as if my heart would burst from my chest. “i’m in love with you too, spencer.”

a huge smile made its way onto my face. in fact it was so big that it started to hurt. “now, are you just going to sit there smiling like a huge dork or kiss me?” i laughed at her words and leaned in to kiss her,

and i know almost everyone says this and i truly didn’t believe them at all when they said that they felt as if fireworks were going off or that there were butterflies fluttering around in your stomach, when you kissed someone you love. but goddamn, i sure did believe them now.

unfortunately, we had to pull away as our lungs were begging for fresh air. “wow.” i laughed at her expression. “yeah.” she softly kissed my nose and leaned back, smiling up at me with the softest smile i’ve ever seen on her face.

“oh my god! why didn’t you call me?!” i heard penelope yell. y/n turned her head towards her and smiled. “please, don’t yell. my head already hurts enough from these lights.” i watched as garcia gasped. “oh! i am so sorry.”

YOUR POV

“wait! so he confessed his undying love for you?” penelope asked as she had gotten settled in. spencer left to go try and help with the case but called every 20 minutes.

“yes, and then he kissed me. my gosh, can you believe it penny?!” she let out a squeal. “was it magical? did you feel butterflies in your stomach?” i nodded at her words and let put a dreamy sigh.

“we have to tell the others!”

“no. not yet, please. i just want to enjoy for a few days before telling the team.”

“oh sweetheart you know i can’t keep secrets.”

“please, penelope. can you try?”

“of course! you, my gorgeous friend, just got shot. i will do everything in my power to keep quiet.”

“thank you.” just as we were about to watch a movie on garcia’s personal laptop, spencer walked in. “ugh. you have the worst timing ever, boy wonder! we were about to watch a movie but now that you’re here she’s going to have all her attention on you.” penelope whined.

“nice to see you too, garcia.” spence said as he looked at me confused. i shurgged as i knew that she wasn’t about to let him have any of my attention. “watch this moive with us. she’s not cleared to leave until tomorrow so until then i’m going to stay here with her.”

“no, that’s okay. you can go home peneople. i’ll stay here with her.” i watched as she give him the biggest death glare i’ve ever seen her give to someone. “i am staying her with her, you can leave.”

“okay, why don’t you both stay here.” i look at garcia as she nods her head and presses play on her laptop but not before giving spence another death glare. i lean up towards spencer’s ear. “if looks could kill, i’m pretty sure you’d be dead by now.”

“trust me, i know.” we both giggled. i gave him a soft kiss before cuddling up into him and turning my attention towards the movie.

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possiblyimbiassed · 4 years

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What happened to Sherlock? Part VIII - The Sign of the Hetero Norm (1)

Why does Mary Morstan play such a prominent role in BBC Sherlock?

I’m surely not the only one asking myself this; while she’s barely mentioned in canon after marrying Watson, she’s all over the place from TEH and onwards in Mofftiss’ adaptation. And when I recently read this excellent fic by @discordantwords, a couple of things dawned on me, that I think have been brewing in my mind for quite some time. Which brings me to the long promised continuation of my marathon meta series about what I think we’re actually seeing in this show. Because the entire point of Mary Morstan seems to be to prevent Sherlock and John from getting together in a romantic relationship - a story of hetero norm. This eighth installment will explore the ‘case’ of little Rosie, and the role she and her mother plays in this show.

This far I’ve published an intro and seven installments, each with corresponding attempts to test my hypotheses:

Introduction - The game is on (explains the method of analysis) Part I - Blog vs TV-show Part II - Re-living memories Part III - Drugs and weirdness Part IV – Heartbreak and coma (1) Part IV – Heartbreak and coma (2) Part V – Bizarre scenarios Part VI - Live and let die (1) Part VI - Live and let die (2)

Part VII - The Importance of Being Earnest (1)

Part VII - The Importance of Being Earnest (2)

This installment will also be parted in two, and the second half can be found here (X). Many of the screen caps from BBC Sherlock in this meta are from Kissthemgoodbye.net - thanks! And thanks also to Ariane DeVere for the incredibly useful transcripts!

My next hypotheses is, in and off itself, a clear and straightforward prediction that can be explicitly verified or falsified once we finally get to S5, so it will be extra fun to see what happens with it in future:

Hypothesis #8: John is not the father of Mary’s baby

(Disclaimer: My suspicion here only concerns John’s biological offspring. It would still be possible that John, and perhaps also Sherlock, might father the child - if it exists - by adoption. It does not exclude a metaphorical reading where the baby represents, for example, Sherlock’s and John’s relationship. I also want to stress that this hypothesis is an attempt at logical reasoning based on observations in the show and in ACD canon; it’s not meant to be ‘gossipy’ and has nothing to do with whether I would actually like to see this happen or not - that’s a whole other story. ;) )

This hypothesis has been brewing in my mind for quite some time now, but I don’t think it’s just a hunch; there are actually a series of reasons that have made me come to this conclusion.

(Continued under the cut)

But first of all: can we debunk my hypothesis at this stage in the story, by testing it ‘scientifically’? Well, not really, since the show doesn’t provide any reliable evidence that confirms John as Rosie’s biological father. Not even IRL would this have been possible without a DNA-test (or without physical circumstances that would have made any other option impossible). And the only thing that the show tells us about human DNA-tests is that not even this procedure is 100% reliable, as shown in ASIB:

JOHN: You were dead on a slab. It was definitely you. IRENE: DNA-tests are only as good as the records you keep. JOHN: And I bet you know the record-keeper. IRENE: I know what he likes, and I needed to disappear.

DNA is brought up in TGG (Ian Monkford’s blood) and again in TST (the identification of Charlie Wellsborough’s body), but since John’s fatherhood is never questioned in the show, little Rosie is never tested, as far as we know. The remaining evidence that speaks for John being the father is circumstantial: that John and Mary obviously must have been living together at the approximate time of conception. And that they both act as if they’re both Rosie’s parents.

So I guess that in order to get any further with this, I’ll have to start at the other end, analysing the characters and see if I can find evidence that support my hypothesis - on a textual level as well as metaphorically and on the meta level.

Mary’s function in the story

I think we can safely say that Mary is the most controversial character of BBC Sherlock. Some viewers love her, others hate her, but I can’t recall anyone claiming to feel indifferent towards her. Mofftiss have indeed managed to push forward a character who is hardly even visible in canon, once she’s married to Watson. In BBC Sherlock, however, Mary totally dominates the show from HLV and onwards. Her appearances may have been increasing in numbers and length already from her introduction in TEH. But from the point where John wakes up in HLV, there isn’t a single case where she’s not somehow involved. Up until TFP, everything is about ’Mary’. And even then, once we might have believed we’d got rid of the ghost of this hijacking protagonist, she comes back, only to once again take over the narrative with a weird and basically inexplicable voiceover. She seems like some kind of obsession; a brain ghost stuck on someone’s mind.

This is rather different from ACD canon, where Mary Morstan has extremely few lines as soon as she’s no longer a client, but Watson’s wife. Personally I find it hard to see the lovable aspect of this character in BBC Sherlock, since she constantly shifts appearance, behaviour and motivation; it’s almost impossible to pin down who she actually is. Which makes me convinced that Mary is not meant to be a real, believable character that we can relate to as such - at least not all the time. And maybe that goes for canon as well.

But what then is the purpose of her, what’s Mary’s actual function in the narrative, looking at the subtext? I think there’s basically three of them, and by no means mutually exclusive:

1. Mary is a metaphor for heteronormativity and its power over people when they internalise it

2. Mary is a façade or ‘beard’, where a straight marriage is established to cover up a story of a gay relationship

3. Mary is a mirror for Sherlock; by substituting himself with a female spouse for John, Sherlock can be with John ‘by proxy’, trying to figure out John without having to face his own real problem: reveal his emotions and risk failure.

As soon as Mary firmly puts her foot in the show, it all becomes a spectacle, a demonstration of how to keep up a straight facade at any cost. After TSoT, no-one ever assumes John and Sherlock are a romantic couple; Mary is the ultimate ’proof’ that John is indeed straight. Which is of course illogical, because why would a bi person stop being it because they married someone, no matter of which sex? Mary admits it herself by telling Sherlock that ”neither of us was the first, you know”. And Sherlock complains that John is dancing around Sholto ”like a puppet” even after the wedding ceremony. But in all the episodes after TSoT, John is happily freed from people’s assumptions regarding his sexual orientation. Gone are all the gay jokes, and John Watson is miraculously ‘cured’.

I think this is perfectly illustrated in the fic by @discordantwords that I mentioned above. The plot follows logically on TFP, as things would be if everything we’ve seen from HLV and onwards is actually meant to be ‘true’. Mary is now dead and John lives alone with little Rosie. For a case, in order to get close to the suspects, Sherlock is planning to fake his own wedding with Janine Hawkins, and John is feeling jealous and excluded – especially when he finds out that one of the murders that Sherlock is investigating had involved a wedding of a gay couple:

"Why all of this, then?" he asked. He tipped his head towards the kitchen, where Janine was fiddling with the kettle. "I could have just—wouldn't it have been easier for us to just—?"

"You're not gay," Sherlock said.

"Well," John paused. "No." He cleared his throat, looked back at the wall. "But everyone already thinks we're a couple. Wouldn't be that much of a stretch, really. For a case."

"No one has thought that for quite some time."

This fanfic rings perfectly true to me, considering S4 on the surface level; John and Sherlock appearing as a couple wouldn’t work after John’s own wedding in TSoT. Because gone is now every allusion to John being anything else than straight. Gone is also John’s admiration for Sherlock; from HLV and on, he hardly ever even speaks about Sherlock in a positive way. (Which also makes me wonder: was ‘The Fall’ also about Sherlock feeling he had fallen from John’s pedestal of admiration?). For the rest of the show, it’s only Sherlock whom we see suffering from (presumably) gay pining. It’s only in Sherlock’s Victorian imagination that Moriarty tells them to ’elope’ together, while John in TLD is shown to be exclusively fixed on his dead wife.

On the surface, Sherlock seems to support John’s relationship with Mary, while I’m sure he is actually suffering deeply. But I think, metaphorically, that Sherlock is acting like some kind of self-sacrificing Christ figure. (Don’t forget Irene’s words from ASiB: “I think you’re damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it’s yourself”). He bears the ‘cross’ of torture by seeing John with someone else, until he can’t stand it any more and trashes himself on drugs. This is what we see at the beginning of TEH, John holding hands with a woman in front of Sherlock’s grave:

Why can’t we see Mary’s face already here? I think it’s because this is from Sherlock’s POV; he’s either seeing or imagining them from behind. She might have a hidden face but a familiar shape because by the time Sherlock is recalling this, he already knows what Mary looks like. But at this point in time, maybe he didn’t? In any case, it must be devastating for Sherlock to see or imagine John with someone else, when he should be there to mourn him, Sherlock.

Thinking about John with Mary, Sherlock can’t even sleep. He is tortured on a cross and dies for all our ’sins’, doesn’t he? On the meta level Sherlock Holmes sacrifices his life, he extinguishes his true self, in the name of heteronormativity. So that John can have his straight marriage, even if it’s dysfunctional. But our worst ’sin’ as an audience, I believe - our ultimate mistake - is to buy into this narrative without questioning it. That’s literally letting the hetero norm rule.

King David the Adulterer

Mary’s ex-boyfriend David is introduced in TSoT, but after this episode he never shows up again. But this seems very random to me; why is David even there, and why is he depicted as some kind of rival to John? What is his narrative purpose? David is often blurred out in the scenes, but he is definitely present during the whole wedding reception, where his role is to be an usher (showing people their places/seats). David gives the impression to be single, since he attends Mary’s wedding without any partner as company.

Sherlock, who meets David alone at 221B during the wedding planning, deduces that he still seems to have an intimate relationship with Mary. Only recently I discovered this meta from 2014 called The Baby Problem by @abitnotgood, which brings up pretty much exactly the same suspicions I have had for quite some time now. The main points are the following:

Mary was dating David for 2 of the totally 5 years she had been undercover with the false name Mary.

They’re still close enough friends for David to attend the wedding, which might indicate their breakup was unwanted from one or both parts.

Mary’s reactions during the wedding reception indicates that she still cares for David.

Sherlock finds out that David has “offered to be her shoulder to cry on no less than three occasions.”

David sits at the same table as most other major characters, which indicates that he’s important.

David doesn’t look particularly happy while toasting for the bride and groom.

To these I could also add that Sherlock gets so suspicious about David that he threatens him with keeping a close eye on his whereabouts with Mary. From a story telling POV, when a character is suspected by the main character who is a genius detective, there should actually be some reason for this - shouldn’t it?

So who is David? Does he appear anywhere in canon? I actually think he does. In ACD’s short story The Crooked Man (CROO), the name David plays a symbolical role. The story is about a (supposed) murder of a middle-aged military officer, colonel James Barclay. It’s a classical Sherlock Holmes mystery with a door locked from the inside and the key missing. The death seems to originate from a domestic quarrel between the colonel and his wife. (Which is particularly interesting considering the Watsons’ ‘domestic’ in HLV).

Turns out the colonel died of fright when he saw his old rival Henry Wood, whom he had betrayed in the war and deliberately left to be captured by the enemy. Henry was repeatedly tortured and crippled and held prisoner for many years, until he could escape back to London and a coincidence brought his old love interest in his way, who was now married to the colonel. (Hmm... tortured by the enemy. Been away. Love interest married. Does this seem like anyone we know? ;) ). Henry was “the crooked man” of the story, who was bereft of his loved one because of James.

But the name David was mystically uttered by Colonel Barclay’s wife while quarreling with her husband - why? Holmes claimed it was a biblical reference to the drama of king David, Batsheba and Uriah. King David committed adultery with the beautiful Bathsheba, who was married to his soldier Uriah. Bathsheba got pregnant after sleeping with David, while Uriah was out fighting a war. David tried to cover up that fact by sending Uriah home, but Uriah refused to leave his comrades. Then David betrayed his rival Uriah the same way James betrayed Henry: by deliberately leaving him exposed to the enemy. The only difference was that Uriah died on the battlefield, while Henry was caught and crippled. Which leads us almost inevitably to Captain John Watson - he is a soldier who was crippled by the enemy too, wasn’t he? ;)

What about Rosie?

Although Mary is dominating the show from TEH and forwards, John’s and Mary’s daughter - little Rosie - is subjected to the opposite treatment; she has very little screen time, and we never learn about a single character trait of hers. In ACD canon the Watsons never had a child, as far as I know. And – even in Victorian times – I believe it would have seemed strange with the Doctor spending so much of his free time (besides work) together with Holmes, obviously neglecting his family duties. So since Mofftiss have introduced a totally new ingredient to their adaptation - a time-consuming baby - one would think this has to have a clear purpose, right? I would have expected Rosie to play a part of her own, someone the audience could relate to just like the other characters, if only still a baby.

But instead, Rosie is seen most of all as an obstacle. Mary is balancing her while discussing a case with Sherlock. Rosie is handed over to John like a sack of potatoes when the family goes on to solve a case with Sherlock; she doesn’t make a sound and we don’t even see her little face. We see John change Rosie’s diaper once (basically to show that he has a toy daisy behind his ear, which is apparently a good flirting device), and then we see Sherlock trying to babysit her at 221B, getting hit in the eye by her toy. We also hear her cry in the background once, and see Molly hold her once. And that’s about it.

When Sherlock texts them from the London Aquarium at the end of TST, Mary and John debate which of them is going to have to stay with the baby, but finally both of them show up at the Aquarium – without Rosie. And this happens not long after Mary has taken a ‘little trip’ around Eurasia ending up in Morocco and John and Sherlock going after her – little Rosie staying at home. Which means weeks without any of her parents. If S4 were real, I’d feel truly sorry for little Rosie.

In TLD, Rosie is more absent than her dead mother! While Mary haunts the episode, all we hear about the baby is John’s tremendous guilt for neglecting and abandoning her (which he manages to do completely). John does seem to have enough spare time and energy to go on another case with Sherlock, though, in the middle of his therapy session. At the end of TLD, all is supposedly fine again with Rosie (until John gets shot with a tranquiliser), but we never get to see it. But then in TFP John goes on a long journey with Sherlock to a far away island, and not a word about Rosie. She’s not even present when John receives Mary’s DVD at home. At the end she’s suddenly there again, though, without any comment.

Based on this, it doesn’t seem farfetched to ask if this little character is even supposed to be real. There’s a subtle hint in TLD which could point in this skeptic direction:

Sherlock: “And, of course, I hadn’t really anticipated that I’d hallucinated meeting his daughter.” “Still a bit troubled by the daughter. Did seem very real, and she gave me information I couldn’t have acquired elsewhere.”

John: “But she wasn’t ever here?”

An earlier quote from TGG could also question John’s fatherhood: ”Of course he’s not the boy’s father - look at the turnups on his jeans!” (Sherlock while watching telly with John in TGG, right after the fourth ‘pip’).

And - of course - if S4 is all imaginary, only happening in Sherlock’s head, Rosie would probably not even have been born yet.

There are also some more subtle hints about Rosie’s narrative function: John’s guilt about cheating on Mary in TLD is connected to the baby. John specifically mentions that he was “cheating” on Mary while she was taking care of Rosie: JOHN (to Ghost!Mary): “We texted constantly. You wanna know when? Every time you left the room, that’s when. When you were feeding our daughter; when you were stopping her from crying – that’s when.” This does make the (otherwise rather exaggerated) texting affair sound a bit more damning for John, doesn’t it? ;) If this is all taking place inside Sherlock’s head, it might rather reflect one of Sherlock’s (possibly) major excuses to himself for not confessing his true feelings to John; it might (once the baby is born) disrupt a whole family and affect an innocent little child.

John and Mary’s relationship

The other day I took to re-watch this little piece of extra material from S4: statements by Martin Freeman and Amanda Abbington about John’s and Mary’s relationship (X). Every time I see this video I’m just laughing so hard. Please don’t miss how Martin is struggling to keep a straight face without smiling, after claiming “they’ve been through stuff already in S3 that would test any couple.” (Yep. Like the discovery that Mary is actually a contract killer who shot his best friend and hasn’t even revealed her real name to John). Or how Amanda avoids looking at the camera when she’s lying talking about Mary’s feelings towards John, closing her eyes and shaking her head. Great acting! :)

I mean, this cannot even be intended to fool anyone; I think this is meant to signal to the audience that the marriage we’re seeing is a dishonest, superficial construction made up of empty words. It’s very similar to the scene in HLV where Sherlock tells John about his ‘relationship’ with Janine. Platitudes like “we’re in a good place” are not only included, but also called out in the very same dialogue. John: “You got that from a book!” Sherlock: “Everyone got that from a book!”. In the video clip, overly sweet violin music is playing when Martin and Amanda talk about their characters’ supposed deep love for each other, but this is mixed up with sitcom-like scenes where this love is made very hard to believe in, like Mary about to give birth in the car and roaring to her husband to pull over, or John telling Mary that he simply intends to forget about a recent past where she very nearly murdered his best friend.

John’s marriage actually seems terrible from start; he can’t even keep himself off Sherlock’s blog comments during his own honeymoon. Which I believe is canon consistent; in ACD’s stories Mary Morstan even encourages Watson to never leave Holmes’ side. And the bad marriage is also confirmed in HLV by Wiggins’ and Sherlock’s deductions about John’s cycling to work and keeping his shirts ‘folded and ready to leave’ at any moment.

But what’s Mary’s position in this? Let’s say, as a mental experiment, that she knows from start about John’s feelings for Sherlock. Why would she want to be together with, and even go on to marry, a man who is obviously in love with someone else? Well, while I don’t buy the facade-climbing Ninja!Mary who tries to kill Sherlock in HLV, she could still be dishonest in her approach to John. She could still be on some sort of mission related to Sherlock, where her role simply is to get in between John and Sherlock, while she actually is together with someone else (and even carrying that someone’s child). Her aim could be to hurt Sherlock as much as possible, for a specific reason.

As far as I see in TEH, Mary seems suspiciously eager to befriend Sherlock. Instead of behaving like one would expect from someone in love who just got their special moment ruined by a rival; with anger or at least annoyance, and of course supporting the beloved - Mary immediately sides with Sherlock.

And she seems to side with him most of all on an intellectual level, taking part in his explanations of how he managed to fake his death.

“Oh, he would have needed a confidant...”

So - what can we deduce about Mary?

If everything we see in the show after TSoT only has happened inside Sherlock’s head (as I’ve tried to make a case for in this meta series), from this follows logically that in Sherlock’s ‘reality’, there is no Assasin!Mary, no SecretAgent!Mary, no Martyr!Mary and - of course - no Ghost!Mary. Because up until the wedding, Mary seemed to be just an ordinary woman. The character’s appearance from HLV and onwards would all be fabrications of Sherlock’s drug-influenced mind, albeit loaded with a lot of metaphorical meaning from his subconscious.

But Mary still seems to exist on some level, doesn’t she? She is referred to by John on his blog, talked about by other people on the blog (including Sherlock), and she even makes comments on it on no less than ten occasions. On the blog, John is clear about getting married to Mary. And after Sherlock’s final blog post ‘The Sign of Three’, it also gets obvious that Mary is now pregnant.

And – most importantly – if S4 is all-fake, this also means that in Sherlock’s ‘reality’, Mary’s drama-loaded death in TST never happened. Mary is still alive! So if Mary is a ‘façade’, a ‘beard’ and/or a mirror for Sherlock on a meta- and sub-textual level, who is she on the textual level? Well, I think there are some clues in the show, and also a lot of subtext material in ACD canon to draw from, which might have been developed into actual story line in the show.

And this will bring us to the second half of this meta, which you can find here (X).

Tagging some people who might be interested: @raggedyblue @ebaeschnbliah @sarahthecoat @gosherlocked @loveismyrevolution @sagestreet @tjlcisthenewsexy @elldotsee @88thparallel @devoursjohnlock @sherlock-overflow-error @yeah-oh-shit

#who is mary?

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duhragonball · 4 years

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Talkin’ ‘Bout Star Wars

I just realized someone might see this title and think it’s a review of Episode IX, which I kind of forgot about. Actually, I was gonna talk about this Count Dooku audiobook I bought, but I guess I only got back into Star Wars books because of Episode IX, so maybe I should back up.

I liked Rise of Skywalker. I went in unsure of what to expect, because a lot of people hated Episode VIII, and I thought it was awesome, so when I saw scathing criticism of IX, I had no idea whether to take that seriously. “Man if you thought VIII was bad, IX’s even worse.” Stuff like that where I didn’t know how to interpret it.

The fundamental problem with IX is that they were going to do a Leia-centric movie and Carrie Fisher died before they could get started. I’m pretty sure this had a lot to do with why Darth Sidious is all over the movie, but maybe he would have been in it regardless. He definitely brings a lot of star power to the movie. He makes it feel more important than it would have been if it was just Kylo Ren horsing around as the main bad guy. And while I enjoyed Carrie Fisher as the hardboiled-but-sensitive General Leia, she never seemed quite as comfortable on-screen in the sequel movies as Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford. I mean, she was in VIII, but she spent most of it in a coma, and Laura Dern seemed to be her understudy. Maybe Carrie was just waiting for the spotlight of Episode IX, and maybe she would have risen to the occasion, but if not, they would have done well to have the Emperor in the same movie, just to carry some of the load.

I’ve seen complaints about how fast-paced Episode IX is, and how ridiculous some of the revelations are, but you know, Episode IV realllly drags for the first half-hour, so I’m happy they made a new one that caters to six-year-old me’s desire to get on with things. As for the whole Rey Palpatine thing, I don’t know, was that any less absurd than whatever fan-theories were floating around in 2016?

I liked Rey’s character arc in this movie, where she goes from having no family to being terrified of her pedigree, to declaring herself to be “Rey Skywalker”. Also, I dig her yellow lightsaber, even if she never got a chance to use it in the movie. In fact, let me get a picture of that up here....

Niiiice. Whenever I look this up, I see all these links to fan theories about what this means, or how it’s a callback to eight other characters from the comics who had yellow lightsabers, but I’m pretty sure she only ended up with this color because they wanted to give her something different and uniquely her own. If she had a blue or green blade, fans would think she took the crystal out of one of Luke’s old lightsabers, but this indicates that she built her own from scratch. Also, Rey even having a lightsaber is probably intended to demonstrate that she still has a mission in the galaxy, even after the First Order and Sidious are defeated.

Anyway, the main issue I have with the movie is that it does play fast and loose sometimes. It felt like they had a plan for Finn and a plan for Poe, but both plans sort of got lost in the shuffle, and we sort of have to take their big victory as newly minted generals to serve as a finish to their character arcs. Leia’s big moment is basically her lying down to take a nap, and I get it, that was probably the best they could do, but still. I read Nein Numb got killed in the movie, and that kind of pisses me off.

Mostly, it just doesn’t hold up as well as “The Last Jedi”. I think part of the reason “Revenge of the Sith” is the most popular prequel movie is because it pays off the thing everyone wanted to see: Anakin becoming Darth Vader. I remember the first time I saw “Attack of the Clones”, and I was kind of surprised to see Anakin kill all the Sand People, like they were turning him evil a little too early, so that had me wondering if he might turn to the dark side in that movie, which sort of distracted me from what was actually happening on the screen. With Episode III, you knew exactly what you were getting, because they couldn’t save any big moments for “Revenge of the Sith, Part 2.” In a similar vein, I think the big thing audiences wanted from the sequel trilogy was to find out whatever happened to Luke, and Episode VIII answered that question completely. It sort of undercut Episode IX, and I guess that was what J.J. Abrams was complaining about.

Darth Sidious’ whole comeback is kind of a problem. I love the character, and it makes sense that he could somehow survive and come back. In the movie, he just quotes his line about “unnatural” abilities and that’s the only explanation we get for how he survived Endor, built his new fleet, and made Snoke. People call it a cop out and they’re not wrong, but he’s the one character who can get away with it. That said, his return raises far more questions than answers, and somehow he’s even stronger than he was before, which raises even further questions. I mean, if he could just go to this secret planet and build a fleet of planet-destroying ships, why did he bother running for public office?

I’m sure there’ll be a novel that tries to tackle some of those issues, but the bigger problem here is that Episode IX made me realize that I missed the more vulnerable Darth Sidious from the prequels. What I love about Episode I is how you’ve got the Sith, looking very similar to the Emperor and Vader in Episode VI, except they don’t have the might of the Empire behind them. In Episode I, Sidious can’t just force choke his subordinates when they displease him, because he needs those guys. Darth Maul can’t send a legion of troops to capture Queen Amidala; he has to do it by himself. They have to be sneakier and trickier than they are in the original trilogy, because they’re still trying to get the Empire set up, and that’s really fascinating to me. Even in the original trilogy, Palpatine is supreme, but still vulnerable. He dissolves the Senate, but only once the Death Star is available as an alternative. He worries that Luke Skywalker “could destroy us.”

In Episode IX, he seems to have no worries at all, I guess because he’s counting on Rey to murder him for whatever essence transfer he was planning. I suppose this was why he finally died to his own Force Lightning, with Rey deflecting it with two lightsabers. Critics ask why he didn’t just stop shooting lightning, but that’s kind of his deal. He kept shooting at Mace Windu, even when it wrecked his face, and he kept shooting when Darth Vader turned on him. I mean, if he stopped shooting lighting at Rey, what then? His fleet would lose the battle, and Rey would refuse to kill him, and he’d just be stuck. The Sith crave power, and power only matters when you exercise it, so it makes sense that all the Sith characters get wrecked because they bit off more than they could chew. If you asked Sidious why he didn’t just turn off his lightning, he probably wouldn’t even understand the question.

I think it might have been cooler if Darth Sidious had been a ghost, or maybe an electronic backup of his brain, or something like that. He looked pretty cool hooked up to that life support system, and I liked the idea that he was reduced to a shell of his former self, but even that would still be a grave threat to the heroes, especially if he got Rey or Kylo Ren to take orders from him. Maybe he should have actually gotten to possess Rey, and then he would finally get all the gonzo powers he displayed in the movie, and Rey would have to kick him out of her body. I dunno, maybe that’s not so different from what we actually got.

I see fans talking about all these alternative versions of Episode IX, like that leaked script, or the concept art, etc. They lament “Why didn’t we get this movie?” and I think that misses the point. Maybe one version or another would be better, but in the end you really only get one movie, one shot at telling the story. At some point, someone has to make the decision as to what makes the cut and what doesn’t. The problem with writing a story is that the version in your head always looks better than it does in print, because in your head it’s this nebulous, ever-changing thing. When you sit down to write it, you have to commit to one version, and decide whether to do this or that. In this day and age, it’s a lot easier to find out about alternate versions and unused drafts. You can watch the “This” version of a movie, and then go on the internet and see details about the “That” version they didn’t use. And it’s easy to complain that they made the wrong call. “Justice League” fans are convinced that there’s a secret “Snyder Cut” of the movie that would somehow be better than the version that actually made it to theaters. That’s kind of sad, because they clearly must have enjoyed the theatrical cut to some extent, or they wouldn’t care about some other version of the same movie. But instead of appreciating what they got, they obsess over a supposedly better version that may not even exist.

I’m probably no better, because I sort of went into Episode IX figuring that it didn’t matter if it was good or bad, because there would be comics or novels that might expand on the stuff I wanted to see. I think what I really want is a story of how Sidious survived Endor, and how he got set up on Exegul or however you spell it. That, and Rey buckling some swashes with that yellow lightsaber. Everyone’s mad about Rose Tico getting a small part in Episode IX, but to me it almost doesn’t matter, because she can be in whatever Rey comic series they make after this. I mean, that doesn’t do Kelly Marie Tran any good, but I think she’s got a good career ahead of her, with or without Rose Tico.

I don’t know, maybe this is why I don’t watch movies very much. I’m mostly into franchises, where the movies themselves are just tentpoles for all the other media. They don’t really need to be good, so long as some good lore comes out of them that someone else can use. I was thinking the other day about how Episode II is widely considered one of the weakest Star Wars movies, but every Clone Wars story that came after it was directly inspired by that film. And there’s a lot of good Clone Wars stuff out there. It just makes me wonder if Episode II can really be as bad as they say it is. Then again, it probably doesn’t make sense to say that spinoffs can retroactively fix what should be a standalone work.

Anyway, I started this post because I wanted to talk about how YouTube keeps recommending me Star Wars meta videos, mainly about the Sith, because that’s what I’m into, and they’re usually covering stuff I already knew. There’s at least three channels devoted to recapping stories from comics and books, or just straight up repeating information that was directly stated in the movies. “Did you know Palpatine wanted to KILL Darth Vader?” Yes, I’ve known since 1983. He told Luke to kill him and he wouldn’t do it. Then he and Vader killed each other. It’s not complicated. The funny thing is that I watch all these different Star Wars videos, and I can tell they’re narrated by different people, but they all sound like the Burger King Foot Lettuce guy.

I got bored with these, so I started listening to the Dooku audiobook that came out last year. It’s been pretty decent, but I was hoping for more Sith lore, and this book seems mostly focused on Asajj Ventress learning about Dooku’s Jedi career. I’ve only got a half hour left in the book, and Dooku hasn’t even resigned from the order yet, so I don’t think I’ll see much of what he was up to between Episodes I and II.

#/#//#///#////#/////#star wars

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553butterfly553 · 5 years

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Second Chance (An Itachi Uchiha Love Story) 12

Medical Issues

A few days after Itachi and I became a couple, everything went downhill. I arrived at the mansion with Serenity only to find that Itachi hadn't gotten out of bed that morning. Kisame explained to me that Itachi had been off the night before after Serenity and I had left, making me extremely worried. So I left Serenity with Kisame and headed to Itachi's room. Upon entering the room, I was horrified. Itachi was passed out on the floor, nearly at his bed. He had dried blood around his mouth and on his hands. It seemed like he had an episode and fallen unconscious before he was able to make it to his bed. “Itachi!” I cried out instantly as I made my way to him. I lifted him gently off the floor and began to examine him. It seemed like his heart was still beating, but it was strangled and sounding difficult. I immediately began to heal him, but I could tell that nothing was happening. I wasn't able to heal the man I loved and I wasn't sure if he'd ever wake up again. So, I set him back down on the floor and hurried off to get Sakura and Sasuke. “Sakura! Sasuke, you guys need to come quick, something happened!” I was vague for a reason. I didn't want the others to know quite yet. “What's going on? Did something happen?” Sakura questioned as she followed me with Sasuke right behind her. “I found Itachi and he doesn't look too good.” I simply explained as we all hurried off to Itachi's room. Once in there, Sakura immediately moved into action. She gently picked Itachi up and examined him. “Something is wrong, his medication shouldn't allow him to react like this. Was he taking it every day as we told him to?” I nodded my head and told her that he was indeed taking it every day. “I don't understand then, why is he relapsing?” “He didn't seem right a few days ago, maybe this has been going on and he's been hiding it? Maybe all the fighting he's done has caused his illness to flare up and get worse?” “I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that we need to get him to the infirmary. We need to check him out properly there.” Sakura looked to Sasuke and the man instantly moved towards her and Itachi. He gently picked up his brother and headed to the infirmary with Sakura and I following closely behind. Once there, we watched as Sasuke set the man down on the table and backed away. Sakura and I immediately went to work. We removed Itachi's shirt and checked his chest and all the organs there. We realized that there was something not only wrong with his heart but a few other organs as well. It was painfully obvious that if nothing was done, then Itachi would die. I couldn't let that happen, so I immediately began to question Sakura. “What can we do to help him? Is there any medication that can help?” “I don't think so, Adryn. I think all we can do for him now, is make him comfortable as we try to figure this out. We need to make sure he stays alive until we can figure out how to save his life.” Sakura simply responded as she laid Itachi's shirt back over him to cover him up. She then moved to look through the medical cabinets. There she got a few things out and put them on a table. She then began to mix things and put them in an IV drip for Itachi. Once she was done with that, she put the IV in his arm. “This should keep him alive for a little while, but we need to figure out what's wrong with him.” “How will we figure that out? We thought we figured it out before, but we clearly didn't. We need help.” “I think I know who can help us,” Sasuke stated that then left the room. Sakura and I just stood there, confused, but ultimately, we just accepted it. Eventually, Sakura bid me farewell and left me alone in the room with Itachi. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do now, but I figured that Kisame would want to know, so I kissed Itachi's forehead and left the room as well. I hurried off to Kisame, who was in the living room. Once there, I pulled him and Serenity aside to inform them. “What's going on, Adryn?” Kisame questioned as soon as he saw the look on my face. “Itachi isn't doing too good. He... he might not pull through this time.” I explained with a frown on my face. I was trying hard to keep it together, but it wasn't working. Kisame could clearly see it in me. “He'll be okay. He's a strong man.” Kisame patted me on my back as Serenity hugged me. “It'll be okay, Mama. Papa is strong!” Serenity spoke as she looked up to me. I couldn't help but let a few tears escape as I reached down to hug my child. “I know, honey, I know, but I'm still scared,” I informed my child as I held her. “I'm scared that I'll lose Itachi.” I couldn't help but let a few more tears escape my eyes. I felt Kisame crouch down with us and wrap his arms around both of us. “Everything will be okay, Adryn, don't you worry. Itachi wouldn't leave you two like this.” Kisame said to reassure Serenity and I. I nodded my head and leaned into him. I wasn't sure what to do now, but I knew that I wanted to be by Itachi's side for as long as I could be. So once I could stand again, I planned to head to Itachi's bedside to watch over him. ~ A few days passed by with Itachi's condition unchanged. I remained by his side with Serenity the entire time. We hadn't seen Sasuke in that time either. It was a little concerning, due to my assumption that he'd want to spend time with his brother, but I wasn't worried too badly. I knew that no matter what, Sasuke would be alright and he'd appear with “who can help us” eventually. “Eventually” turned into today as Sasuke arrived in the infirmary, bursting through the doors. “Is my brother still alive?” Sasuke questioned as soon as he was through the door. I looked up to him and nodded my head. It was only me and him in the room currently, other than the unconscious Itachi. “Good, I think I have people who can help.” Sasuke moved out of the doorway, to reveal Kabuto and a much younger Orochimaru. “Kabuto? Father? What is going on here?” I questioned when I saw the two of them. I was shocked and confused. “How can they help Itachi?” “You see, my daughter, Kabuto and I were asked by Sasuke to look into his brother's illness. I think we have come across a cure for him.” Orochimaru responded as he looked over from me to Itachi. “I believe that it all stems from his heart.” “Explain more?” I questioned after Orochimaru stopped talking for a moment. “We believe that Itachi's heart isn't working as well as it's supposed to. Therefore nothing in his body is operating the way it's supposed to.” Kabuto responded in place of Orochimaru. He made sure to say “we” instead of “I” like my father did. “His heart? How is someone supposed to fix that?” Orochimaru and Kabuto then looked to me. “Only you can save Itachi's life now.” Orochimaru began to explain to me. “We plan to remove your heart and implant it into Itachi. Since your heart will grow back in time.” “Let's do it!” I immediately spoke up, but Sasuke was a bit hesitant and spoke up as soon as I did. “There are many dangers to this. You might never wake up if this happens.” Sasuke seemed worried for me. “I'll do anything as long as Itachi gets better.” My resolve was absolute. I was going to do this, and Itachi was going to get better and I'd wake up eventually. I mean hopefully, I'd wake up. Regenerating a heart was difficult and more intense than regenerating a wound. Even so, I'd do anything in my power to help the man that I loved with all my heart. “Very well. Let's get started.” Orochimaru stated, confusing me a bit. “Don't we need to go to a better facility to do the surgeries?” I questioned confusedly. This was just a simple infirmary, we couldn't do a surgery here, right? However, Orochimaru just smirked at me. “No, my dear. This will do.” Orochimaru led me to a patient table/bed thing next to Itachi. “Sasuke, leave the room and make sure no one enters.” “...Fine.” Sasuke seemingly reluctantly, left the room. I could feel that he was standing outside the door, ready to come in at any point. He clearly didn't want to leave me in the hands of two former criminals. Even so, I trusted my father to an extent and Kabuto was once a good friend of mine. So I knew that neither of them would hurt me intentionally. “Now Adryn, we will put you under anesthesia for this so you won't feel a thing,” Kabuto explained to me as he went through the cabinets to find what he was looking for. Once he found it, he grabbed it and pulled out a needle. I instantly looked away as I couldn't really handle needles. “I really won't feel anything? Will Itachi?” I finally asked to distract myself from the needle being filled with liquid. “He'll be fine, you both will be.” “Alright...” I was feeling hesitant now, but I knew everything would be fine. So, I just laid down on the table/bed and allowed the two to do whatever they needed to do to me. As Kabuto injected me with the anesthesia, I closed my eyes and allowed the medication to take me into a deep sleep. ~ Darkness was all I could see, but I could hear many things. The sound of feet shuffling and the whispers of people around me. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was still asleep, but was also wide awake at the same time. I was conscious, but I couldn't open my eyes or move a muscle. That could only mean one thing. I was in a coma. After a few minutes, or what felt like minutes, I could hear someone come close to me. They took my hand and began to speak to me. “Adryn.” It was Kisame's voice. I would know that voice anywhere. “Wake up, alright? You can't stay in a coma for the rest of your life. I know you wouldn't like that. We all need you to wake up. Serenity misses you and Itachi is upset with you. He can't believe you'd risk your life for him. He's grateful but angry that you are like this now.” Kisame paused as if he was pondering something. “I guess you'd want to know about how Itachi's surgery went. He's doing just fine. Yesterday he was cleared to get up from the bed he was trapped in and leave the infirmary. However, he won't leave your side. I had to force him to go take a shower and take care of himself just to be able to talk to you alone. The others are going to come in after me as well. We all are worried about you.” I felt Kisame lean down and press his lips to my forehead. “I need you to wake up, Adryn. I can handle you being with Itachi, but I can't handle you being like this.” With that, Kisame left the room and I could hear the door close. I wasn't sure what I felt at that moment. I could hear how torn up Kisame was over me being in a coma. I could practically feel the heartbreak he was going through. I could only imagine how upset Itachi was with me right now. I'm sure Kisame only said the bare minimum about how Itachi was feeling. Even so, he was alright and that was all that mattered. However, I couldn't help but feel a little bad. Serenity missed me and that hurt me. I hoped I'd wake up soon. I'm not sure how long it took for the door to open again, but eventually, I heard the creaking of it and then footsteps coming towards me. “Hey, bitch.” It was Hidan. If I could have smiled, I would have at that moment. I could hear the lack of bitterness in his voice as he spoke to me. “I can't believe you are so willing to throw away your life for that fuck. I don't understand how you could love someone so much to risk never waking up... Then again, I guess I understand a little bit.” I could only assume he was talking about someone he loved, and if I could speak, I would have teased him about Kakuzu. However, I couldn't, so I didn't. “You just need to wake up. Your fucking brat is crying all the time and is desperate for you to wake your ass up. So wake up.” With those words, Hidan hurried out of the room. I could hear his fast footsteps leaving the room, however, I didn't hear the door close behind him. I could sense someone standing in the doorway. Slowly, the person approached me and stopped directly next to me. “You are an idiot.” It was Kakuzu speaking to me now. “You are a fool and a dumbass. Even more than Hidan. You should never have risked your life for Itachi. You should have let him die.” Kakuzu then began to walk away from me but paused. “Wake up, Adryn. It's much better to have you annoying me than not hearing you at all.” Then Kakuzu left the room and closed the door behind him. No one else came to me that day. It was lonely just laying there. Especially boring as well since I couldn't move or speak. It sucked. However, eventually, I fell into the darkness. ~ “Adryn.” I heard my name being called by a familiar voice. It was Sasuke. So, I regained my consciousness to listen to what he had to say. “Adryn, I should have stopped you from doing this. I shouldn't have let you save my brother. It posed too much of a risk to you. I had a feeling that this would happen.” Sasuke then paused and I could hear him moving closer. “You need to wake up. You've been a constant in my life for so long, I'm not sure what I'd do if you were gone. Besides, my brother needs you now. Serenity needs you as well. You have to wake up.” I wanted to respond to him so badly, but I couldn't. So I just listened as he walked away and left the room, closing the door behind him. I couldn't believe that I just had to lay here and listen to my friends and family tell me all this. I knew that I needed to wake up, but I wasn't sure how. I couldn't force myself to wake up no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to desperately, but waking up just wasn't an option right now. Soon, the door opening again brought me out of my thoughts. I could hear someone approach me, and then just stand there. It was like they were thinking about what to say. I then realized who it was. It was my father, Orochimaru. I was a little shocked at that. I never expected him to approach me like this. “Kabuto told me I should come in here and speak to you. He thinks that you might be able to hear us talking to you. So Adryn, I'll tell you this once. You need to wake up. You are my only child, for now, it would be disappointing if you were to die like this.” I can't say I was shocked at how my father was speaking and the words he said. He almost sounded like he didn't care, but did care all at the same time. “Many people would be upset with you if you didn't wake up. They'll all blame me and Kabuto if you remain like this. So, my daughter, wake up. If not for my sake, then for your own daughter's sake.” With those words, Orochimaru patted my hand and then exited the room. Moments, or what seemed like moments later, Kabuto entered the room. I could feel him right from the start. “I know you can hear me.” Kabuto started as he came closer to me. “I'll start with telling you how devastated Serenity is. She refuses to eat or drink or even sleep. Itachi and Kisame have to force her to eat and when she sleeps, it's only because she's too tired to remain awake any longer. I'm sure you don't want that kind of life for your child, so wake up Adryn. It isn't good for you to remain asleep for much longer. I fear that if you don't wake up soon, you'll never wake up at all. Force yourself to heal and awaken if you must. Just do it quickly.” Kabuto reached out and grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “We all want you back. You and I were once very close, I'd like to regain that friendship but only if you wake up.” Kabuto paused and then began to speak again after he'd let go of my hand. “I believe that Itachi loves you deeply. You should have seen the look on his face when Lord Orochimaru and I informed him of the state you're in. He just doesn't realize it or isn't ready to admit it yet. However, I'm sure when he comes to see you, he'll explain all this to you as well.” Kabuto then began to walk away but paused to speak one last time. “Remember what I said, you only have a short window left to wake back up. Don't miss it.” With those words lingering in the air, Kabuto left the room. Hearing what he had to say gave me anxiety. I couldn't believe that I might never wake up. I never once thought about something like that. I always thought that in time I would wake up, but now it seems like I don't have the time to just dwell on this and take my time. I needed to wake up and I needed it to happen now. The man I'd loved for so long just confessed to me and became mine, I couldn't just let that go and break his heart now. Not only that, but I just got my child back and can grow a good relationship with her so I couldn't let that go either. I needed to wake up. In my thoughts, I didn't realize that the door opened, until two sets of feet came shuffling towards me. It broke me out of my terror-filled thinking and back to reality. I could easily sense who was now in the room with me. It was Serenity and Itachi. I had wondered when they would come in here. “Mama... Please, you need to wake up. I don't think me and Papa could go on if you aren't around. I just was reunited with you, I can't lose you now.” Serenity was sniffling and I could hear the sleepiness and fear in her voice. She was forcing herself to stay awake and to not break down all at once. It hurt my soul to hear her sound like that. “You'll wake up right now, right Mama? You won't let me think you're going to die, right?” Serenity held my hand and squeezed it tightly. “Please Mama! You need to wake up so you can take care of me again! I don't want to lose my Mama!” Serenity began to sob and released my hand, letting it fall off of the bed I was on. If I could have cried right then, I would have. It killed me to hear her talking like this. It killed me to hear her crying over me as well. I was trying very hard to wake up, but the darkness was just too strong. Every inch I went, the darkness pulled me back a foot. I was in a losing battle. I just didn't have the strength to fight this. “Serenity!” Itachi called out suddenly as I could hear little feet running away from me. “Papa, if Mama won't wake up, then neither will I!” I wasn't sure what she was going to do, but I heard heavier footsteps following her down the hallway, meaning that Kisame must have been there as well outside of the door. Itachi didn't follow Serenity though, he just remained by my side. “Adryn, your daughter is hurting right now and I'm not sure how to help her. I wish I could give her the strength to get through this, but without you, I'm not sure it'd do any good.” Itachi then paused and reached out to grab my hand, the one that'd fallen off the bed. It held it in his strong hand tightly. “If I cant give her strength, then maybe I could give you some to wake up. I have a confession to make.” Itachi then took a deep breath and began to speak once more. “Adryn, I lied when I told you how I felt about you. I realized it then, but couldn't tell you to your face, and I guess I still can't do that now. When they told me you were in a coma because you saved my life, it nearly killed me. I couldn't bare thinking that the woman I loved could die because she decided to save me. Sasuke is furious with me but also relieved that I am cured now. I can't blame him for being angry, after all, if I was awake before, I could have told you not to do this.” Itachi paused and allowed my head to start spinning. He said, “the woman I loved”. Does that mean he's in love with me? “I bet right now you are thinking about what I just said, and the answer is yes, Adryn, I am in love with you. I was... unsure of it before and worried that things would end badly this time as well, so I refused to admit it, even to myself. However, after seeing you laying lifelessly here, I knew I could hide it no further. I'm sure the others know as well. They can see far better than I can sometimes. I am in love with you Adryn, so please, for my sake, for Serenity's, Kisame's and everyone else's' who loves you sake, wake up.”

#itachi uchiha #kisame hoshigaki #akatsuki

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thegeminisage · 5 years

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alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

ARE

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too)

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING!

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

#personal #merlin blogging #it took me three and a half hours to rewatch this episode because i kept pausing to scream #MERLIN DESERVES TO BE OUT TO EVERYONE ALL THE TIME it's not FAIR #that episode deserved to be 20 minutes longer it ended too soon #in a happier world arthur found out about the magic and immediately took merlin's side and defended him against the genocidal maniac but app #apparently this show is a greek tragedy now

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miss-musings · 6 years

Text

Some wild or not-so-wild predictions about Episode IX (with some TLJ meta/analysis)

So, for the record, these crazy-ass wild predictions (or maybe not so wild???) are based on: 1) evidence of themes, motifs, character development and story arcs from TFA and TLJ; 2) overall story arcs and whatnot from both the Prequel Trilogy and the OrigTrig; 3) other media (TV shows) within the Star Wars universe; 4) other media outside of Star Wars that I feel like share some thematic/character parallels and that I know are very popular among modern audiences; and 5) fan metas that tie into all of this.

So, in no particular order and with plenty of art to break up the text…

And in case this isn’t going to be obvious… SPOILERS FOR THE LAST JEDI!!!

PREDICTION ONE: The Title

Across the 8 Star Wars films we have three possibilities for the way titles are worded: A/The (Adjective) (Noun) ; (Noun) with a verb somewhere in the phrase; (Noun) of the (Noun). So far in this new trilogy, we’ve had the first two. But we haven’t had (Noun) of the (Noun) yet. This has been the case with the third installments of each trilogy: Revenge of the Sith (III) and Return of the Jedi (IV).

I imagine IX will fit this pattern; and, while I doubt it will have “Jedi” or “Sith” in it, I wouldn’t be surprised if it had the word “Balance” in it. Like “Balance of the Force” or something, except that I imagine they might be kind of nervous about using “Force” again in a title so soon, considering they have The Force Awakens and another property The Forces of Destiny.

But, I’d bet money “Balance” is in the title. Maybe not a lot of money. Like $5 or something, but still. I’ll bet money on it. Maybe… “Power of the Balance.” Because Balance has very much been a recurring theme/motif in this trilogy, and I’m 100% certain we’re going there (which we’ll get into more below).

PREDICTION TWO: Character Dynamics

Okay, so for a more general observation of the Core Three Characters of each of our trilogies – Anakin/Obi-Wan/Padme ; Luke/Han/Leia – we had a romantic pairing between two of the three characters (Anakin/Padme ; Han/Leia), and a sibling or pseudo-sibling bond two of three characters (Anakin/Obi-Wan ; Luke/Leia). And the remaining connection of the triangle (Padme/Obi-Wan ; Luke/Han) was more of a friendship than anything else.

Now, looking at our main three characters of this NEW trilogy, I’ve seen a lot of people arguing that it’s Rey/Finn/Poe. No, it’s really not. As much as I like Poe, he’s really more of the Lando or Yoda or Mace Windu of this series. He has an important role, but initially he’s more of a side character (especially considering that he doesn’t really get any character development until TLJ). This is evident in the marketing for TFA and the fact that Poe was supposed to die in the crash on Jakku.

No, Rey, Finn and Kylo are the main three of our story. With that, the bonds between them become more evident: Rey and Kylo are the romantic pairing as we clearly see in TLJ; and Rey and Finn are going to be more of the pseudo-sibling pairing (Sorry, FinnRey, shippers. I enjoy their dynamic but I see it being more platonic.) That will presumably leave Finn and Kylo to one day become friends, although it probably won’t happen in the events of Episode IX.

It’s evident that Rey and Finn deeply care about one another, and while there were hints to a possible romantic pairing between them – like the “cute boyfriend” comment and the “stop holding my hand,” awhich might’ve been done as either comic relief or shipping fodder – I don’t see them getting together unless Kylo dies (which I HIGHLY doubt, and we’ll get into more below).

Finn is the first person who ever cared about Rey and treated her like a real person, like family. That’s partly why she’s so attached to him; that and he’s just generally a good guy. Likewise, Rey was the first person to believe in Finn, and it’s obvious that she means a lot to him. They’re the first real connection they made after they escaped their respective shitty lives (scavenging on Jakku and working for the FO). But Finn only ever calls her his friend, and he and Rey never exchange any dialogue in TLJ. He hasn’t really talked to her since Starkiller Base, before he fell into his coma; they’ve both seen and done a lot since then. They’re really not the same people that they were on Jakku, and while they will always care about each other, their lives are moving in different directions to a certain degree.

Anyway, sorry that was long way of saying: Rey and Finn aren’t getting together; Rey and Kylo are getting together. At least romantically. I imagine Rey and Finn will still be a big part of each other’s lives at the trilogy’s end.

PREDICTION THREE: Length of the Time Skip

I doubt it will be shorter than six months, but I don’t think it’ll be more than three years. We need enough time for the Resistance to have built up their forces again, but not so long that I think Hux will have overthrown Kylo Ren (because it was very obvious that he’s not at ALL pleased with Kylo as Supreme Leader).

A year or a year-and-a-half seems pretty reasonable. Any more than that, and I think you’re going to have to explain why the hell Hux hasn’t killed Kylo Ren or why either the Resistance or FO hasn’t found out about the Force Bond (because I definitely think that’ll be making an appearance).

PREDICTION FOUR: Basic Plot Outline

On that note, here’s how I think the movie might go. We’ll get into the specifics of some of these later.

Since taking over as Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren has been mostly brooding. He doesn’t give a lot of orders, but mostly kind of lets Hux run things. He’s so incredibly conflicted, given everything that happened in TLJ. He is not at all stable emotionally or spiritually. He shuts himself in his chambers and doesn’t do much but wait for the Force Bond to connect him with Rey. They don’t really say anything to each other, even though both of them want to but can never find the words. Or something like that.

(EDIT: I could’ve sworn I put this next prediction in my original draft, but I guess not. Oh, well. Adding it back in now.) Leia’s death will be shortly before the events of this movie. In fact, it’ll probably be mentioned in the opening Title Crawl. News of her death or the feeling of his mother being gone (as he might sense it through the Force) will cause Kylo to break routine and leave his quarters to go on a solo trip to some location that reminds him of his mom. Alderaan is gone, so maybe wherever Leia and Han raised him?? As long as it wasn’t one of those planets that Starkiller blew up. Wherever. It’ll be somewhere that reminds him of his mom.

(EDIT:) Side note: I’m not sure what will cause Leia’s death. She might’ve died in battle. That’d at least be badass. But losing her husband and twin brother within a week of each other might’ve taken a strain on her physically and emotionally, much like what happened to Carrie Fisher’s mom, Debbie Reynolds, IRL. But, I think death in battle would be more fitting. Although, if that’s the case, Kylo won’t have ordered it.

As Kylo is visiting this site connected to his mom, Rey will either be on Jakku or Tattooine – delving into her own origins (visiting her parents’ graves in the junker desert) or into Luke’s/Anakin’s and trying to learn more about the Force. She will have constructed a new lightsaber: either one that’s totally unique to her (maybe like a staff size?), or one that uses half of the kyber crystal from the Skywalker Lightsaber (and Ben will use the other half for his saber at the very end, after he’s redeemed).

While they are both alone and on their personal journeys, the Bond will activate and they will finally say something to each other for the first time since TLJ. It won’t be much, and there will still be some anger/resentment/hostility between them, but it will be poignant and emotional. Rey will probably say something about how his mom never gave up on him, etc.

At some point while Kylo/Ben is visiting this location that reminds him of his mom, he will probably hear some audio of his mother speaking to him through the Force (they might use an earlier clip of Carrie/Leia saying “Ben” or something, they way they used the Alec Guiness/Old Ben dialogue in Rey’s Forceback).

Luke will appear as a Force-ghost to either Kylo or Rey or both at some point during the film, but this point (when they’re both on their respective journeys of nostalgia) seems the most likely. He’ll probably spout off some exposition-heavy dialogue (possibly giving Rey her third official lesson, if they decide the TLJ deleted scenes aren’t canon), and then tell Rey she’ll have to face Kylo again.

In the meantime, the Resistance has been cooking up some big plan to take down the FO’s most recent base/big gun/whatever. Poe is now in charge of the Resistance since Leia’s death. Finn and Rose are potentially a couple now, and they’re also major Resistance leaders.

Either the Resistance will win some major victory or the FO will start to fracture as Hux takes more power from Kylo. Something will have to kick Kylo back into full Renperor mode. Something will threaten his position of power and he will feel as though he has to retaliate. But, Hux won’t be killed off, either in battle or by Kylo, until the third act of the movie.

There will be a gigantic space battle in either the second or third act. Poe will probably be the one to kill Hux, if Kylo doesn’t.

Finn will likely find out about the Force Bond, if Rey hasn’t told him during the Time Skip.

If there’s an element where the Resistance has to send one of their own to infiltrate the FO base, Rey will do it. Finn will initially volunteer at first, but Rey says she has to face Kylo and give the Resistance its best chance to win.

Somehow Rey and Kylo will face each other in the final act of the film, likely after she’s sought him out on a FO base. Or they find each other on the battlefield.

Since the end of TLJ, Rey has gotten considerably stronger in the Force, especially her combat abilities. She and Kylo will be a literal even match. They know each other so well and are both so strong that almost every attack is ineffective. I really HOPE (not predict, but hope) that this fight will either have some kind of a dance feel to it or go back to Episode IV, when it was an homage to old samurai films. Like when they’re both trying to do one-shot kill moves on each other, but keep blocking it.

Okay… now as to how the fight will end… I truly believe that it will end in a draw with both of them being hurt to the point where they can’t fight any more, probably with inverse/opposite/complementary/mirroring injuries. The injuries will be major, but not life-threatening.

While they’re laying there, not fighting any more and experiencing a shared/parallel pain, they’ll both vocalize their feelings for one another. And probably kiss. And while they kiss, they have Force visions on how to resolve this conflict: to balance the Force by becoming Gray Jedi (Force-wielders who use both the light and the dark sides, in balance) TOGETHER.

Kylo will proposition to Rey to join him as a Gray Jedi, which she will accept.

Once they realize this, the two will go back to their respective sides, and figure out some kind of compromise/system where neither the Resistance nor the FO exists, but some kind of balanced government system where everyone feels represented and no one is oppressed.

Everyone celebrates the creation of this new system, the destruction of the old system(s), and Rey and Kylo leave their friends to become tandem Gray Jedi Masters who will teach the next generation of Force users all about the full scope of the Force. They’ll also totally become a couple and maybe we’ll see a Force-vision of the future, where they have kids or something.

Together, Ben and Rey will have brought balance to the Force and the galaxy at large!

EXPLANATION TIME!!!

Kylo letting Hux run most things would be a good reason for Hux not having killed him yet. And Kylo brooding rather than being a bad dude makes a lot of sense if he’s going to be redeemed and live. And it’s clear from the effort that’s gone into Kylo Ren’s character that he WILL be redeemed, and because we’ve already done the Redeemed Hero Dies route (Vader), Kylo will get to live, albeit probably scarred/injured/handicapped or something. He can’t do TOO much more evil stuff or otherwise he’ll be considered TOO unredeemable for average audiences. Killing Han, killing a bunch of innocent people and Resistance combatants, and trying to kill Luke are all pretty unredeemable, but eh. He killed Snoke, and Rey, Luke and Leia all believe in his goodness. Seeing his conflict early on in Episode IX will clue the audience in on his being redeemed by the end of the movie.

I’m basing a lot of this on Zuko’s character arc from the Avatar: The Last Airbender series and Sasuke from the Naruto universe (which we’ll talk about more in a second).

Rey’s arc, much like Luke’s in Episode VI, will be somewhat overlapping with the main War plot, but will ultimately take place parallel to it. Luke was on a journey of discovering himself, the Force and helping Anakin Skywalker to redeem himself. Rey, likewise, is on a journey of discovering herself, the Force and helping Ben Solo to redeem himself. Her main story will intersect with Finn/Poe/Rose/the Resistance’s, as Luke’s did with Han/Leia/Chewie/the Rebellion’s, but it will ultimately take place mostly separated from them.

With Carrie gone, they are going to have to have some kind of carry-over from the OrigTrig, and Luke as a Force-Ghost makes the most sense. He’ll do the Ben Kenobi role of getting the main characters to fight each other and figure out whatever the Force is trying to tell them. Because, as a Force-Ghost, Luke’s consciousness is one with the Force, or whatever; so he knows exactly what needs to happen for Balance to be achieved.

There will have to be something plot-wise to make Kylo snap out of his vulnerable state and back into his Renperor self because we’re going to need tension that he might kill Rey in their final duel, or at least destroy the Resistance. That way their final battle will have higher stakes.

Rey’s Force powers have leaned more toward the Sensing/Emotive side. Her first “awakening” is the Force-back, but even before that, she’s first aware of being called by the Force (the Lightsaber). She then figures out how to turn Kylo’s Force-sensing interrogation technique back on him, and senses his greatest fear. She also figures out how to use the Jedi Mind Trick, which she will ABSOLUTELY use again in Episode IX, and it’s only later that we see her using more of the physical attributes of the Force (pulling stuff toward you, combat enhancement, etc.). Rey is more naturally drawn toward sensing things via the Force, like the Tree, the Island (in her dreams) and the Lightsaber, and when she senses the Force as whole and then the Dark Side (the cave) in TLJ. So, during the Time Skip, she will have trained in learning how to use the Force to enhance her combat abilities, because it always felt to me like those were earned from her harsh life on Jakku rather than something inherent she had because she was Force-sensitive. (I mean, she didn’t even realize she was Force-sensitive until the Lightsaber scene on Takodana; but she’d been fighting off assholes all her life.)

I wouldn’t be surprised if the Force Bond is exposed to either the FO, the Resistance or both. This might be why Hux tries to usurp Kylo; and I doubt the Resistance will take Rey’s connection to Kylo all too well, considering that he tortured Poe and almost killed Finn (EDIT: and they might blame him for Leia’s death). Rey might make up for this by excusing herself from the main action of the War and offering to take down Kylo alone.

Now, what’s all this about the Gray Jedi and bringing “balance to the Force”?

(EDIT: Linking to the Wookieepedia article on “Gray Jedi” here.)

So, this is what all the eight movies have been leading up to – the prophecy that Anakin was supposed to fulfill. At the end of VI, the Sith (Vader and Palpitine) die and only one Jedi (Luke) survives to pass on what he has learned. This is not balance. At the time, we didn’t know about the whole prophecy thing and the OrigTrig was just about the good guys winning and the bad guys losing. But, over time, Star Wars has evolved to show us that this world – like ours – is a lot more GRAY. That’s what the Clone Wars series was about; that’s what Rebels (as far as I know) has been about; and that’s what the PT was sort of hinting at. That’s what THIS new trilogy has been hinting at, especially with the Finn/Rose subplot in TLJ. (EDIT: Which I wrote a whole meta analyzing and defending the importance of that subplot. Read it here.)

That’s not to say the FO hasn’t committed atrocities and the Resistance isn’t made up of people who have suffered and want better lives. But, as we saw with Finn, there’s a possibility that Stormtroopers are good people who don’t like what they’re being told to do. And, as was hinted at in TLJ, there are plenty of people who don’t like the Resistance. Because, in a war, no side is all good or all bad.

The whole Star Wars franchise kicked off as WWII In Space! But, since WWII, we’ve entered several conflicts where we (the U.S.) weren’t always in the right and the enemy wasn’t always in the wrong. There’s a TON of gray area in our conflicts now.

Anyway, this is all a very long way of saying that the OT’s understanding of the Light Side and the Dark Side isn’t well managed. As we saw with Luke at the end of VI, he let his anger, hatred and rage against Vader flow, but he didn’t become evil. He stopped himself, and realized that Vader was much more like him than he previously wanted to admit.

But, then in the PT, we see that the Jedi’s belief system is very lop-sided. They can NEVER let their emotions get the better of them. They have to be stoic, mindful, “celibate” (more or less), and detached from the world around them. They are encouraged to be compassionate, but not to love or become attached to people. This is a philosophy that isn’t going to fly well among modern audiences.

(EDIT: There’s a really great video Pop Culture Detective did on this very topic today. Linking to it here.)

Like with the War side, the answer is that we (the audience) are something in between. We do sometimes let our emotions get the better of us, which CAN be a bad thing sometimes, but not always (as “Inside Out” taught us, it’s unhealthy to lock certain feelings away). But, at the same time, most people aren’t evil and hate people so much that they want to destroy them.

So, the answer for The Force side of Star Wars is a balance: a coexisting of the extremes and the meeting of the two halves (Kylo and Rey). In TLJ, Luke’s big thing is that the Light Side WILL exist without the Jedi; and that the Force is ALL ABOUT A BALANCE: life/death, light/dark, heat/cold, peace/violence, etc. The Jedi is a RELIGION that used the Force, but there are plenty of other Force-users in this universe who aren’t Jedi or Sith (like Ahsoka Tano or Chirrut from Rogue One). The Gray Jedi can be the religious practice (the way of life) of Kylo and Rey. They can use both sides of the Force without being overcome by one or the other, by keeping them in a balance. I don’t know exactly how this would work, as I haven’t read TOO extensively into this topic, but I know it’s possible as I believe there were some Gray Jedi in the Legends Universe. I suppose it might be a bit like the Guardians of the Galaxy (another popular Disney property) – Kylo and Rey wouldn’t be all bad (because then they’d be evil) or all good (because then they’d be boring), but a little bit of both or something in between.

The happy ending to this entire saga isn’t about the Light snuffing out the Dark, the good guys killing all the bad guys, because the whole idea is that the Force and the world needs to be brought into balance. As much as we want the heroes to win, we also want the ending to be reflective of our human nature – both how we succeed and how we fail. This Gray Jedi ending would be reflective of that and bring the whole saga to a nice end.

I mean they wouldn’t have put a fucking YIN-YANG SYMBOL in the Meditation Pool on Ach-To if the idea behind the trilogy wasn’t about bringing the Force into balance. I wonder if it’s a good thing Rey took those ancient Jedi texts, because maybe they hint at if/how the Ancient Jedi (not the ones in the PT) were more in balance in the Force than our PT Jedi were.

We see this nicely encapsulated into Rey and Kylo as characters. Rey who embodies the Light, but has plenty of darker tendencies (like getting mad, charging at Snoke in a fit of rage and aggression); and Kylo who embodies the Dark, but has plenty of lighter tendencies (like telling Rey to detach herself from her past and let it go). They are a literal fucking YIN-YANG SYMBOL as people, side by side. But combined and intertwined… if you put a Yin-Yang symbol in wet paint on paper, and then mixed it together, what would you get?

A gray circle.

Gray Jedi is the answer, people. No question about it. At least in my mind.

Now, about the fight. Why do I think Rey and Kylo will have to wound one another and kiss?

Well, the draw/wound thing is something I stole from the Naruto universe.

For those of you who are unfamiliar… the main character Naruto (on the left) is very much the “light side” of his universe. His rival Sasuke (on the right, and who has a redemption arc similar to what we’ve seen of Kylo’s so far) is very much the “dark side.” There’s a point where they get sun and moon symbols on their respective hands, and each holds half of the same power source, although they manifest it differently based on their respective abilities/personalities.

Now, the entire series is built-up to this final showdown between the two. Naruto is not trying to kill Sasuke, but needs to stop him, because Sasuke IS trying to kill Naruto and bring an end to things/people Naruto loves. And, it physically ends in a draw. The two lose their dominant arms: Naruto loses his right; Sasuke, his left. Their wounds are a literal mirror of each other (see below). And in that shared pain, they find an understanding, and Sasuke decides not to kill Naruto but to come back over to the “good” side (more or less), to stop being a murderous asshole, and to start atoning for his crimes. (So, in a way, Naruto wins the fight on an emotional level, as he brings Sasuke over to his side.)

That’s very much where I see this Rey/Kylo thing going. There are so many parallels between these four characters and their respective arcs, it’s ridiculous.

With Kylo and Rey, each of them will be trying to kill the other so their respective side will win the War. A draw (with a major non-fatal injury) is the only way I see this fight ending in a way that will bring them into balance with each other and the Force at large.

Also, we’ve never had a movie lightsaber fight end in a draw before, to my recollection: Darth Maul killed Qui-Gon; Obi-Wan killed Darth Maul; Count Dooku injured/beat Obi-Wan and Anakin (I guess he ran away from Yoda, so you might count that); Count Dooku injured/beat Obi-Wan in the rematch and then Anakin killed Count Dooku; Obi-Wan injured/beat Anakin; the Emperor forced Yoda to run away; Obi-Wan allowed Vader to kill him; Vader beat/injured Luke; Luke beat/injured Vader in their rematch; Rey injured/beat Kylo; and there wasn’t really an actual lightsaber fight in TLJ.

It would fit the whole “balance” motif for neither to win or lose the fight, but instead the two come to an understanding and compromise.

Now. The Kiss.

Why do these two little fuckers have to kiss, IMO?

Well, do you all remember the Disney Channel TV Show “That’s So Raven”? The main character (Raven) is a psychic; and there’s an episode where she meets a male psychic. And, while they have 0 romantic interest in each other, there’s a point where they continue escalating their physical proximity/touching, because it allows them to better use their powers. There’s a point where they have to kiss in order to find Raven’s BFF and some other people.

And, as we saw with Rey and Kylo in TLJ, these two are oozing with sexual chemistry and Force power. I mean if they see each other’s futures whenever they touch hands, what the hell are they going to see when they kiss? (Or if they ever had sexy times… but this is a family-friendly movie, so that’s not going to happen on screen; the kiss is the closest we’re going to get).

I mean, c’mon you guys… everything we saw in TLJ is building up to them kissing and the Force coming into balance as a result of their combined lives/knowledge/destinies or whatever.

Also, as others have pointed out, they’re not going to kill off Ben Solo. The Skywalker family is too much of a commodity, and there’s so much possibility in leaving him alive and with Rey. I mean think of all the spinoff movies and TV shows we could have of them and their kids??? (EDIT: Just like how the Legends Universe focused in part on the kids of Luke, Han and Leia.) Rey is too well-loved by the fans to kill her off, and Ben/Kylo has gotten too much character development to not get redeemed. His kids with Rey would sell toys and tickets and subscriptions like crazy.

So, why do I think Ben/Kylo will proposition Rey, instead of the other way around (which would seem more natural)?

Well, in TLJ, each saw the other turning over to their side in a vision of the future. Rey says that Kylo won’t bow before Snoke and will turn, and she’ll help him. Kylo says that when the time comes Rey will turn and join him.

Now, from a physical standpoint, these visions were true after the Praetorian Guard fight. Kylo physically turned against Snoke and killed him, but emotionally was still attached to the Dark Side. Rey did physically join Kylo by his side in fighting the Guards but was still emotionally attached to the Light Side, or really, the Resistance. Neither ACTUALLY came over to the other’s side. Kylo didn’t want to join Rey politically, and she didn’t want to join him spiritually.

But now, they’re going to find that compromise where they meet in the middle both politically and spiritually. Kylo was right in TLJ: the old THINGS (political organizations, religious ways) should die, but Rey was right in that the PEOPLE should be saved. The only way to achieve both goals is to end the War, the FO, the Resistance, the Sith and the Jedi… and create something new. A compromise that works for everyone and brings the much-needed balance to the Force and the galaxy.

Each of them WILL join the other. Rey’s vision will have to be right that Kylo will turn from the Dark Side, and Kylo’s vision of her turning from the Light and joining him will have to be true as well.

So, like any proper proposal of marriage/political alliance/spiritual alignment, I think Ben should be the one to suggest it. That way, we the audience can see the fruition of his redemption arc, etc. (Also, we have to come full-circle on the Space!Mr.Darcy thing.)

Anyway, I’ve now rambled on about this for QUITE long enough. Just wanted to throw out some ideas and see what you guys think and if you have predictions of your own. (EDIT:) And, to quote Preston Jacobs, “I’m probably wrong about half of this.” There’s plenty of hints of where the franchise is going, but I’m sure there are some details I will have gotten wrong. Which is fine. This can be my headcanon for the next two years.

I guess there’s nothing else to say other than, “May the Force be with you, always.” Cheers, guys! And thanks for reading!

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cafcainc · 3 years

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Chloe’s Petals of Hope, Pt. 1 - March 1st, 2021

Q: Can you share with us some background information about yourself? A: My name is Springe Bugg. The first way I would identify myself is that I am a saved-sinner thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I will be married twenty-five years in June to my earthly rock and biggest supporter, Randy Bugg. We have three children and one grandchild. I will soon be forty-five. I have taught in the Mercer County School District for the past eighteen years. I am a member of Ninevah Christian Church and a board member for Chloe’s Petals for Hope. I have Bipolar 1 Disorder.

Q: Why have you decided to speak publicly about mental illness? A: In the past, I have shared my personal struggle and experiences with mental illness with friends and family or acquaintances who might benefit from what I have learned over the past twenty five years. However, after the suicide of my dear friend and colleague, Paula Montgomery, and the suffering experienced by so many after the loss of Chloe Rogers, my dear friend Susan’s daughter, I decided it was way past time to share my experiences publicly.

Q: What do you hope to accomplish by speaking publicly about your struggle with mental illness? A: From my perspective, the only way to end the suffering caused by suicide and mental illness is to remove the stigma and shame so many who have these symptoms experience. We must start to view mental health the same as we would physical health. Those who are at a stage where they can speak publicly and put a face and name to mental illness will help others know they are not alone. Suffering in silence must end, or we will continue to be robbed of the precious time and lives mental illness can steal.

Q: Why do you think talking about mental illness is so taboo unlike the conversations we have about physical illness? A: I believe there are many reasons. Most people don’t understand or consider the science behind the causes of mental illness. We often believe that we should be able to control all aspects of our mind/brain and our thought processes. We believe if we were only a more positive person or did a better job handling stress, we would be fine. We live in a society of casual daily greetings like, “How are you today?” but only expect a positive answer. We are constantly trying to keep it all together, and we’ve become experts at putting on a smile. Many have been told or believe if they only prayed more or spent more time in scripture the depression and anxiety would subside. Some also believe that mental illness is a character flaw. I, myself, believed some of these same things at one time. While there are many things we can do to help, many also need help in the form of counseling and medication.

Q: What was your first encounter with mental illness? A: In order to answer this question, I should start with my mother. I was seven years old when she was hospitalized for the first time and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. For time sake, her story can be summarized this way: at age thirteen, my mother’s maternal grandfather shot and killed her father. At that very vulnerable age, her grandfather was put on trial, here in Mercer County, for the murder of her dad. In case that didn’t completely sink in - my grandmother’s father killed her husband. I mention this to bring attention to what we all know - that Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) have the potential to negatively impact our mental health. ACEs are potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood. ACEs can include divorce, violence, physical abuse, familial mental health issues, substance abuse problems, terminal illness, etc. Toxic stress from ACEs can change brain development and affect how the body responds to stress. The more ACEs a person has, the greater the likelihood they will experience mental illness. We also know that mental illness can be genetic or even triggered by prolonged stress.

Q: What were some “eye-openers” that you have learned about mental illness along the way that changed the way you thought about yourself and your diagnosis? A: I had a dear friend who was in an almost fatal car accident and in a coma for a week before a long period of rehabilitation at Cardinal Hill. She is a miracle, and she is doing well now. However, both of her parents noticed they were experiencing depression and anxiety for the first time. Their doctor explained that high levels of stress for extended periods of time can deplete the levels of the chemical Serotonin in the brain causing the brain's neurotransmitters to fire incorrectly causing a variety of issues including mental illness. Serotonin is a chemical we need for sleep. While there are medications we use for sleep, once the brain’s natural level of Serotonin is gone, it’s gone for good. There is no medication to replace it. Emergency room medical professionals often experience this same Serotonin depletion due to high and frequent levels of adrenaline that are released in the brain as a result of their career. This is why emergency room staff and paramedics are often prescribed medication for depression and anxiety at higher rates than the general population.

Another “eye-opener” for me was when I realized just how sensitive my body was to any chemical change. An example of that was a time that I received high levels of IV antibiotics due to a surgery for a broken leg. Another time, I was prescribed a Z-pack. On another occasion, I was given a prescription for a high dose of Vitamin D due to low levels in my blood work. Once, I took some herbal supplements I bought at the chiropractor's office that were designed to help your immune system. At a certain age, I decided to stop taking birth control. On all of those occasions, I experienced a manic episode.

Q: What do you mean by manic episode? A: The first manic episode I had was when I was twenty. I was in college at the time, and my 17 year old brother died of drug related causes. There was a short investigation due to concerns that the drugs may not be what killed him and that it may have been a homicide. While that was on-going, my dear friend, that I mentioned earlier, was in a car accident. My life was spiraling out of control. I could no longer concentrate on my school work. I was miserable. I realized then that life was too short to be miserable, so I dropped out of college. About a month after her accident, while still working to understand exactly what had happened to my brother, I started losing sleep. Remember the information about Serotonin? Mine was undoubtedly depleted. Sleepless nights gave way to confusion. Confusion morphed into delusion. I was delusional. Delusion quickly became psychosis. Yes, I was psychotic. Being psychotic causes paranoia. I was a mess. I spent my 21st birthday in The Ridge, and I have had to be hospitalized there on two more occasions. The second time, I think I was twenty-eight and had been able to finish a master’s degree. I was two and a half years into a teaching career. It can definitely be overwhelming when you’re in what is a professional career and now you're hospitalized for psychosis related to Bipolar 1 Disorder. What parent or school district would want me teaching kids - is what kept replaying in my head once I was released from the hospital. I could go on and on about what it is like to experience mania and psychosis, but we may save that for another blog.

Q: What are some immediate actionable things we can do to help possibly prevent what you and others went through or are currently battling? A: We need to be proactive instead of reactive. One of the first things I would suggest is to create a mandatory mental health class where the curriculum ensures our young people are aware of all aspects of mental illness and what needs to occur to ensure mental health. Maybe it can even be incorporated into Physical Education class, but on a much larger scale than we currently provide. In high school, I was provided a terrific education on so many different topics. I recall a training the school nurse did with us on skin cancer. That training saved my life. At age 22, I recognized the signs that I most likely had melanoma skin cancer and was diagnosed and treated early. If I had the same quality training and education on mental illness and mental health, my outcomes and the outcomes of so many would’ve most likely been much different. If there was ever a time to create a mandatory class that addresses these issues, it’s now. We’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg on what types of negative mental health outcomes should be anticipated due to this pandemic. We must be proactive and not just give lip service to this issue. I have so many more actionable ideas, but this is the first place I’d start. We shouldn’t need to pass legislation to make this type of educational experience mandatory.

Q: How did you get involved with Chloe’s Petals for Hope and what does the foundation do? A: After Chloe’s death, I reached out to her mother, Susan, to let her know that, like Chloe, I too struggled with anxiety and depression. I wanted to bring what comfort I could by helping her understand the things I learned along the way to maybe help answer the question - Why? She shared Chloe’s story with me, and I shared some of mine with her. I knew it was too early for her to think about but wanted her to know that if she ever decided she would like to help bring awareness to the issue of suicide and work on prevention measures, I would love to partner with her. A few months later she called to let me know that her family formed a foundation to do just that. She asked if I would consider being a board member. We are working to honor Chloe’s memory by using her life and experience to help others. What an amazing legacy!

Q: To wrap this interview up, what is the one thing you’d like people to take away from this blog? A: I want people who are struggling to know that they are not alone. The “glasses” that they have on right now may be very dark, but there is help. As you start the road of recovery, the darkness starts to fade, and eventually you can get back to a productive, joy, and peace-filled life. A Campbellsville professor said something to our board members that I thought was profound. He compared suicide to a heart-attack. If you can get people the help they need at the time they need it, we can often prevent death from heart-attack. In those crucial moments, suicide is similar. The problem is people are good at “masking” the symptoms that lead to suicide. Yes, we need people to get the help in that critical moment, but we also need to be proactive so people don’t find themselves there. Lastly, let’s all put faces to these mental illnesses, so others don’t feel alone. I challenge others to share their stories, break the stigma, and learn to talk about mental illness like you would a physical health condition. The cost of silence is too great.

Interviewed by: Susan Rogers, President for Chloe’s Petals for Hope Foundation

#Children and Family Counseling Associates Inc #CAFCA Inc #cafca #Chloe's Petals for Hope #Chloe's Petals for Hope Foundation #Susan Rogers #mental health #mental health resource #mental health awareness #suicide prevention #March 2021 #2021 #March 1st

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medicated-for-public-safety · 6 years

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DO NOT ALTER, EDIT, REPOST, OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF PICTURE OR CHARACTER INFORMATION. THAT IS SOMETHING ONLY A VILLAIN WOULD DO.

Finally finished my Boku no Hero Academia OC, Youko; with bonus corner All Might!

Took me a while, but I’m pretty damn proud of how she came out. Mainly the eyes and hair. Should you pluck a single strand of her (entirely natural, thank you weird physical anomalies in quirk users) hair and hold it up to the light, the ‘blue’ section of her hair will appear clear and transparent; just like water. Her hero costume is mainly based off of koi fish, so it was a bit of a bitch in terms of the color scheme I was trying to go for. I got it down, though!

Anyway, here’s the more important info under the cut~

Name: Youko Mizutani (水谷洋子) Age: 26 Nationality: Half Japanese, half American. Hero name: Sky Koi Quirk(s): Is able to manipulate water, such quirk being a familial trait on her mother’s side (she never knew her father, who is somewhere in America last she heard). Her specialty lies mainly with controlling condensation, the natural moisture in the air, small bodies or amounts of water, and the water molecules within living people. Youko can gather and move it in great quantities, raise or drop the temperature, and even use her ability to make it appear as if she is floating! She does this by focusing on the water molecules within her body and controlling them in such a way in order to carry herself in the air. There are some downsides to her quirks, one being that dealing in the water molecules hanging in the air to fight tends to make her clothes moist, but Youko can dry them off by pulling the moisture back out with her quirk. The second major downside is, should Youko overexert her quirk (Ie; moving an amount of water greater than the size of a public pool, moving 100+ people out of harm’s way all at once via how she usually flies around, ect.), she will come down with severe dehydration, a fever, and fatigue. This can usually be cured with little issue so long as she sleeps for a minimum of three hours while hooked up to an iv drip full of water. She has a second quirk, which she assumes she got from her father. Youko doesn’t use this second quirk often, seeing as all it does is light up her body in a soft golden hue. Not very effective for battle unless she wants to blind someone in a dark alleyway in the dead of night. In a relationship with: Toshinori Yagi History: Youko grew up in Japan with her mother’s family, seeing as she never knew her father, whom had hooked up with her mother on a business trip shortly before he went back to America. Despite being fatherless and an incident that occurred when she was around five that very few know of, however, Youko still managed to have a decent childhood within the Mizutani family home. While most of the family members weren’t in the hero business, Youko’s step grandfather was the one to spark her interest in becoming a heroine when she got older. He, himself, was a hero that could be found stopping purse snatchers and helping the elderly with their shopping and groceries into the years after Youko had graduated from UA. Unfortunately, by the time she was twenty, her grandfather had gotten into a battle with a particularly nasty villain and was heavily injured and poisoned with a toxin. He had to be placed in a hospital specifically for heroes for almost a year and Youko visited him every day once her hero duties where taken care of. It was during that year that she met Toshinori, who had suffered the critical blow to his chest from his arch nemesis and was in and out of a number of surgeries and medically induced comas to aid his recovery despite how often he insisted on discharging himself. Youko would pass his room multiple times a day whenever he was there and, after only seeing a couple of people actually visiting the stranger, decided that the fellow hero (whom she didn’t exactly recognize) could use some company. Toshinori was in one of the aforementioned medically-induced comas the first day the girl slipped into his room with a vase of fake flowers to help brighten up the room a bit when he was woken up. She sat beside the bed and softly talked to his unconscious form for the next few days about little things, after first introducing herself on day one. When the hero was finally taken out of the coma but still hooked up to all kinds of machines, Youko would sneak in while Toshinori was sleeping and rearrange the fake flowers by the window. She never felt comfortable bringing real ones in, what with his clearly horrible condition. Despite getting into trouble with the nurses for being in the room when she didn’t even know the blonde hero, there seemed to be nothing that could stop Youko from spending some time within his room as a visitor. Even when Toshinori stirred one day while she was changing out some of the flowers with newer, more vibrant ones, she apologized but asked if he was alright with her staying for a while. The two became friends in that hospital, but Toshinori never told Youko what his hero name was as he continued to whither away. Heck, she didn’t ever really ask and was content simply by knowing him as the man Toshinori Yagi; not the world’s greatest hero and symbol of peace, All Might. Not to say that she didn’t have her suspicions initially. Youko continued to visit Toshinori whenever he was forced to return to the hospital for his condition, even after her grandfather was discharged, and the two were able to talk to one another for hours on end when the girl wasn’t just sitting beside the bed and reading to Toshinori as he rest from one of his many surgeries or a fight. It wasn’t until the hospital was attacked by a villain hopped up on dangerous narcotics, that Youko learned the suspected truth about her new and dear friend. Toshinori had managed to transform into his muscle form after Youko was knocked into a wall from trying to protect his bedridden form from the indiscriminate attacker of the hospital occupants. All she was was All Might appearing from the once sickly form of her friend before she relented to unconsciousness and a pretty bad concussion. When she regained consciousness in a different hospital for heroes, Toshinori was in a wheelchair beside the bed. He, of course, asked her not to tell anyone that he was All Might once realizing that she’d seen it all. Youko’s response was, since it was just her and her friend in the room and that she couldn’t thank All Might with a fruit basket or something, to simply lean over and kiss Toshinori on the cheek before thanking him by name, saying he was her hero. He was flustered about it and how Youko didn’t care about his almost skeletal appearance, but couldn’t help but agree to her offer of them going out for some tea together once he was well enough to be discharged from the hospital. The two began to date shortly after he was, indeed, discharged for the final time, though decided it would be best that the public didn’t know that All Might had a girlfriend. It also made it easier for the two to go out in public together for shopping or the movies whenever they had free time. Only their closest friends came to know of the relationship. When Toshinori received the teaching request from UA, he was surprised to see that Youko had gotten one as well, but was glad to not be separated from the woman that loved him so dearly, and he her. Thankfully, Youko also was privy to the information of One For All and how Midoriya was the successor that Toshinori chose, so she would try to give her lover tips on teaching whenever he would feel the need to ask. She giggled when she found out that he bought the ‘Even a complete idiot can still be a teacher’ book, but still ended up reading it with him. The two are close and enjoy snuggling and sharing little kisses when they’re relaxing alone together. Youko is, however, known to steal a quick kiss or two should she be floating when they pass each other and there aren’t that many people around. At UA, Youko has been placed in charge of any foreign exchange students and co-instructing the classes of 1A and 1B. Her current priority student is a first year from America that she has to keep a pretty close eye on due to the boy being not only short-tempered, but a pervert as well. The passing on of his quirk hasn’t changed anything in Toshinori and Youko’s warm relationship, despite his impending demise approaching on the horizon. He enjoys calling her “My Darling!”, since she always breaks out in a blushing smile whenever she hears him say it. Youko has a considerably mild form of PTSD (from the event in her early childhood), but is still able to continue her everyday work as a pro hero. She does, however, receive treatment for said anxiety and PTSD, and manages to hold herself together well enough should an episode spring on her during work, which is rare but has happened before. Her greatest asset in this is being able to ‘fly’ away from the media before the effects of her attacks become too obvious. Toshinori hugs, no matter what form he’s in, also help a great deal.

#Mun's pixel art #OC #OC Heroine #All Might #Toshinori Yagi #boku no hero academia #boku no hero academia oc #my hero academia #my hero academy oc #This was fun #time for sleep noooow

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orbularborbular · 6 years

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My Thoughts on The Last Jedi

Spoilers below the cut! Do not read this review if you have not seen The Last Jedi! You have been warned!

[And please, kindly remember that I'm just another idiot on the internet with an opinion. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind with this review…I'm just sharing my reaction, because none of my friends are online while I’m writing this and I need to mouth off to somebody.]

Okay, so – analysis time. The way I see it, there are two main narratives in The Last Jedi. I loved one of them, and I hated the other.

Narrative #1 deals with The Force™ . Naturally, it contains the classic Star Wars themes of tragedy, forgiveness, and redemption, but it adds depth and nuance to these ideas in a couple of ways. It explores the importance of human connection, and it underscores the power that each individual possesses to determine their own self identity, and with it, their fate. The writers made the inspired decision to take the struggle between Light and Dark and externalize it – make it into an actual, literal conversation between two people: Rey and Kylo Ren, with Luke acting as the tormented mediator. Mark Hamill just knocked it out of the fucking park with his performance too – what an amazing conclusion to Luke's story.

Narrative #1 acknowledges the flaws of Jedi doctrine and provides a simple, brilliant explanation for one the biggest questions left over from The Force Awakens: why did Ben Solo turn to the Dark side? The revelation that Luke drew his lightsaber on Ben in a moment of weakness, only to recoil in horror at his own impulse, casts Kylo Ren in an entirely different light. Ben truly believed that Luke meant to kill him – and what troubled teenage boy wouldn't develop emotional issues if he thought his uncle were trying to murder him in the dead of night, especially when he was already under the influence of an evil CGI freak? (On another note, can someone explain to me why Snoke was wearing like, a gold bathrobe? What the hell kind of aesthetic is that?) Luke's culpability, however minor, heightens the tension in the conversation between Rey and Kylo Ren, because it makes him a more sympathetic villain. Suddenly, his rage and hatred make sense. Luke's shame and self-imposed exile make sense. Everything makes sense. The relationship that emerges between the three characters is believable and emotionally satisfying, even if Kylo Ren does make the decision to be a punk bitch in the end. But man, that fight scene where he and Rey are fighting as a team? Top fucking notch.

Narrative #1 works because it establishes cause-and-effect, and because it gives each character a complete arc. Past trauma motivates all three of the central figures: Kylo Ren, Luke, and Rey each have to contend with their own personal demons and choose whether to rise above them, or succumb to them. Their parallel struggles give the movie a sense of cohesion and suspense. Their decisions matter, and those decisions aren't necessarily foregone conclusions, because all three characters have the power to influence one another. Luke chooses to accept his past mistakes and to reconnect with his old comrades; in doing so, he is finally able to achieve the absolution and peace that have eluded him for so long. Rey refuses to give in to her feelings of loneliness and abandonment; instead, she uses the empathy derived from those painful experiences to try and reach out to Ben Solo. Kylo Ren rejects Rey's attempt to connect with him because he is either unwilling or unable to deal with his own trauma. He stubbornly pulls away, and ends up more miserable and broken than ever.

I simply cannot gush enough about how much I loved this whole storyline. Writers take note: this is how you create compelling character drama. The stakes were personal and emotional, but they also had larger ramifications. The imagery and cinematography perfectly complemented what was going on in the narrative, too. Like that scene where Rey saw herself cascaded out, row upon row upon row? Holy crap was that an insightful visual metaphor for the concept of self-identity. And can we talk about the red salt on the snow during the final showdown? How it smeared when stepped in, like blood? That shit was amazing. Luke's confrontation with his nephew was the perfect conclusion to their relationship, and the best possible send-off for Luke. He went out on his own terms, as the ultimate Jedi master: cunning, heroic, and self-controlled, able to own up to his mistakes without being destroyed by them.

Now, on to the part of the film I hated. :(

Narrative #2 is The Little Guys vs. Big Evil™. The themes of this narrative are courage in the face of impossible odds, and the wisdom to know when to make sacrifices. Unfortunately, there are two major problems with this half of the plot that weaken the impact of these themes. The first problem is that there is ZERO world-building in these new movies. None. Zilch. In the original trilogy, the lack of backstory was not a problem because we were thrown directly into a reality where an oppressive autocratic regime was already in power. The audience could accept that these fuckers were genocidal and that a ragtag group of rebels was fighting them, because Episode IV was a blank slate. The conflict was straightforward enough that we could just run with it once it was introduced. But the new trilogy is NOT A BLANK SLATE. The film needed to explain how we got from the events of Return of the Jedi (where the Rebels had just won a major victory, the Empire was reduced to a shadow of its former self, and the threat of pan-galactic annihilation was no more), to “oh yeah, everything is a shitshow again”. What the hell happened during the intervening 30 years? How did the New Republic fail so catastrophically that the First Order was able become such a threat? How did the Imperial Remnant get its hands on that much firepower and manpower without like…anyone noticing, or stepping in during the nascent stages? Where the fuck did this Snoke guy come from, and why is his name so stupid? The movie fails to explain the chain of events that led to this new status quo. It doesn't even hint at it. We get no new information about the conflict at all; instead, we spend over an hour stalling while Finn and Rose do their thing.

Speaking of which... The second big issue with Narrative #2 is that it does not utilize its protagonists correctly. Poe gets some development, but Leia, Finn, and Rose Tico do not get character arcs. They do not change in any meaningful way as a result of what they go through. Leia in particular is static throughout the film. Sure, she spouts a lot of platitudes about hope, but we never get any real insight into what's going on in her head. Is she frustrated that she has to fight the exact same war she already fought in her youth? Does she feel guilty for failing to foresee and prevent the rise of the First Order? How has she been damaged by her personal losses, most notably the murder of her husband at the hands of her own son? The script just gives her nothing to work with. No pathos, no pain. She spends half of the movie in a coma, and the only time she gets to use her Force powers is when she's like...magically levitating through the vacuum of space (I call bullshit on that, by the way). Her only real moment of depth is her reunion with Luke. I think maybe the writers intended to put her character arc in the third movie, but uh...that's not gonna happen now, since Carrie Fisher drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra.

Finn, meanwhile, spends the entire movie on a wild goose chase. Sure, the casino planet was cool, but you could cut out that entire subplot and its absence would have no effect on the rest of the movie. The writing here frustrates me SO much because the character problem is SO EASY TO FIX. Here's how you make it work: from the get-go, the movie sets up an ideological conflict between Poe and Leia. Poe wants to blow shit up, while Leia favors a more cautious, big-picture approach. However, instead of following through on this conflict and forcing them to hash it out, the film fridges Leia and sets up purple-haired Laura Dern as Poe's foil. This decision baffles me. Leia is Poe's hero; he admires and respects her. Imagine how much more compelling it would've been if he had to make the gut-wrenching decision to pursue his own approach behind her back instead. Leia vs. Poe is a conflict with higher stakes. We care about both of these characters, and we can see both of their perspectives. Pitting the two against each other ideologically (but with no malicious intent), creates the opportunity for both of them to grow and change.

Here's how you fix Finn's subplot. Make his expertise on the First Order matter by allowing him to be the one who realizes how the flagship is tracking the Resistance through hyperspace. Have Finn reveal this information to Poe (it would make sense for him to approach Poe, because of all the people on board, Poe is the closest thing Finn has to a friend). The two of them decide that an infiltration job is in order. Poe calls Maz for guidance, and she recommends a slicer for the job. Because Poe is currently in conflict with Leia and the rest of the leadership, he sends Finn on a mission to retrieve the slicer in secret. Finn is thrown into a completely alien environment, and it proves to be a real learning experience for him. He sees the stark contrast between the ostentatious elite and the impoverished downtrodden, and his innate love and compassion begin to expand beyond just Rey (I still don’t understand how the First Order is responsible for the mistreatment of the children on casino planet, though. Isn’t the real oppressor like...late stage capitalism? lol).

Of course, he parks like an idiot, so he ends up getting thrown in jail before he can make contact with Maz's slicer. It's here that he meets Rose Tico for the first time. In this version, SHE is the chaotic neutral slicer with the longcoat and the air of charismatic unpredictability. Finn, desperate to escape, strikes a bargain with her. Initially, she only agrees to help him for the money, but as the film unfolds, we learn more about Rose. We discover that her sister died fighting the First Order some months or years before, leaving Rose jaded, aimless, and self-centered. Over the course of the third act, however, Rose sees something in Finn or in the Resistance that makes her reconsider her outlook. Perhaps Finn's fight with Phasma plays a role. She ultimately decides to honor her sister's legacy by taking up her mantle, and she joins the fight against the First Order. By condensing Rose Tico and the hobo-slicer dude into a single person, you create a character with a complete arc, and you create a subplot that matters. When Finn's attempt to infiltrate the enemy ship ultimately fails, it doesn't feel like a complete waste of time, because at least the Resistance gains a badass swaggering scoundrel of a slicer. A character that fucking cool should not be wasted.

A couple other quick fixes. You know the scene where purple-haired whatserface uses a hyper-speed jump to slice clean through Snoke's ship? It's one of the most visually arresting and memorable scenes in the film, but on an emotional level it's underwhelming because we literally just met the woman. Why not keep Admiral Ackbar alive a bit longer so he can be the one to make the iconic sacrifice? The audience already cares about him, so when he goes out in a blaze of glory, it packs a much greater emotional punch (plus, can we give an alien character a chance to shine for once? I'm so sick of all the humans). Back to Finn and Rose. For the love of God, please get rid of the awkward romance shoehorned in at the last minute. What you mean you “love” him, woman? You've known the dude for like two days! I mean, criminy. Rose Tico's character arc needs to be about coming to terms with her sister's death. Poe should be the one to save Finn by bashing his ship aside, because Poe is the one who's supposed to be learning when to sacrifice lives, and when to save them.

Anyway. As you may have guessed from this review, my feelings about this movie are super complicated. The humor was great, the visuals were atmospheric and creative, and the majority of the acting was fantastic. Every time Luke, Rey, or Kylo Ren were on screen, I was on the edge of my fucking seat. I was completely invested in their narrative and could not have been more satisfied with its conclusion. I was, however, sorely disappointed with the way the writers handled the conflict between the Resistance and the First Order. It could have been so, so much better. It deserved to be better, in a script this good. And honestly, maybe the reason I was so disappointed is because that's my favorite part of Star Wars: a ragtag bunch of miscreants scraping by on the strength of their camaraderie. The jump cut from Return of the Jedi to "everything is shit again" makes me feel like the initial Rebellion accomplished nothing. Like it was all for naught. I'm sure I could go digging for the full story in the supplemental materials and fill myself in, but like...it should've been in the movie. There's no reason why you can't devote five minutes to a little explanation.

Maaaaan. I get WAY too worked up about these things.

#Star Wars #The Last Jedi #Spoilers #review #Rey #kylo ren #Finn #Rose Tico #Leia #Luke Skywalker #Ben Solo

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

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Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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trendingnewsb · 6 years

Text

Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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