#i thought i was going to get a psych degree at one point so. i've taken a psych class or two 😎👉👉 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mr-jaybird · 3 months

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actually, reblogging that post about not looking down on community college makes me want to talk about my experiences and career to show like look. you don't have to do what your high school guidance counselor said was best

at 19 (august birthday), i went straight from high school to a four year college. i did really well academically but my mental health was BAD and after two years admin insisted i leave to receive treatment. straight up would not let me be at school anymore (undiagnosed bipolar is a bitch)

at 21 i dropped out and worked for $7.25/hr at starbucks and also got mental health treatment (and meds!!!). at 22 i went back to school at community college part time and knocked out some gen eds (and also a couple classes just for fun, like theater)

at 24 i went to a different 4 year school. i changed my major (to psych), did three years there and graduated with an excellent gpa and extensive research experience (i busted my ass there, and since i took time off to get healthy, it went a lot better!). since i'd knocked out most of my gen eds, i got to concentrate on classes i cared about. my last year i was a part time student and worked as a paid research assistant more extensively, and did a honors thesis. i also taught myself the basics of programming my last year

i graduated at 26 and got my first programming and data science job (in fintech, blegh). it was terrible. my degree was largely unrelated and they didn't give me any training. they also expected constant unpaid overtime. i was just trying to hang in there and make enough to pay my rent. i actually was struggling so much i almost got fired. i had something of a nervous breakdown but stayed there long enough (18 months) to get a better job in the same field

at 28 i went back to the tech side of public mental health health (yay! and my degree is sorta relevant again). i worked for government. their tech stack was...less than corporate, and i was pretty bored. but i did really well there since i was overqualified! but they wouldn't promote me because i had the "wrong" degree :(

i was planning to leave that job because of no upward mobility when i was invited to apply for my current job, which is the head of data science for a public mental health lab at a public ivy university. they had heard of me from my boss's boss at my government job (networking!). i got that job just before i turned 30. my first year there was really stressful because of the neglect of my predecessor. i had another nervous breakdown. but this job was cool about my mental health and gave me a paid leave and i was able to fully recover and come back and thrive. i love what i do now and at 31, i'm getting a significant promotion from where i was when i started here!

the point of all of this is, i did a lot of things people think are "wrong". i took gap years, i dropped out, i changed my major, i went to community college, i had the "wrong" major, i had to take mental health leaves, etc etc. but i'm still successful and happy with my career! when i was working at starbucks and sleeping on a friend's air mattress i thought i'd be there forever. you never know what might happen in the future (good or bad).

if you can avoid having 3(!) nervous breakdowns in a decade that's better than i've done. but listen: i've failed. i've fucked up. i've been kicked out of school and almost fired and i've come back from it! i had to go on a mental health leave from my current job and they are still really happy with everything i've done there (now i'm just working on doing it in a way that's more sustainable). you don't have to be a perfect person to do well.

and seriously, community college saves a ton of $$$ and no one has ever cared i knocked out my gen eds there. you don't have to follow the "traditional" path, you just need to find something that works for you!

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trans-axolotl · 3 months

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I'm a psych survivor & want to find community in general or join conversations on here but it seems like no one really cares what I have to say & a lot of the conversations on here about mad liberation etc. are so academic that I feel alienated & shut out by them, and afraid of being talked down to & made fun of, even though I was (barely) able to master's degree and thought I was fairly intelligent. it seems like the academics mainly want to talk amongst themselves. idk. it's like the more I try to connect the worse I feel. I guess you probably don't have an answer to this but I appreciate your blog & how accessible your writing is

💜💜💜anon i think you have SUCH an important point. for me, the most meaningful mad community that i've found has always been when I've been institutionalized and just talking with other mad people, where most of them don't have any experience with mad liberation politics or antipsychiatry or any of that vocabulary. But like--time and time again those are the people who just get it the most, and are some of the most insightful people I've met. And I know that if some of my psych survivor friends came on tumblr, I think they would be judged for not having the "right" language or not communicating clearly enough or whatever. Which makes me so fucking mad, especially considering how many of us are disabled in ways that impact our communication, processing, and language. and how to me, it feels like such an important value of mad liberation to celebrate different styles of communication and all the different ways we're going to show up and exist as mad people! I'm sorry that you haven't been able to find a lot of welcoming community on tumblr--I know how exhausting and isolating it feels to not be able to connect with the people that are Supposed to actually understand and support you.

and it's not that I hate academic stuff about madness--I'm currently at university studying disability studies and really appreciate disability scholars. I think it's super fucking important + there's a lot of really talented people doing cool work. But I think that especially in disability studies, there needs to be a LOT more of an effort put in to actually make research + writing accessible. If half our community can't access any of the writing about our community, that's fucked up, you know? I'm always getting into arguments at university lmao when I talk about how we should do more to translate academic work into plain language. especially since i think it's a form of injustice when we are kept away from resources and knowledge that would let us build a political understanding of our experiences. it just feels super important to me to think about accessibility and what that means in mad spaces and psych survivor spaces, and who feels welcome to participate in our spaces and who feels left out of them.

and i also don't really have answers or solutions for How to Make That Happen on Tumblr--if you or any followers have any suggestions i would def love to hear them. i know that a lot of people are going to come on tumblr to do a lot of different things and that some people see this mostly as an academic space for them, where some people just come on here to talk or create art or a million different things.

For me, I use tumblr as a space where I want to talk and connect with a lot of people about all kinds of topics and hear psych survivors opinions on a ton of stuff. a lot of my posts are pretty casual, but when i make longer educational and political posts i spend a lot of time thinking about the best ways to translate really academic concepts to a wider audience. when i sit down to write out a long post i try to incorporate as many accessibility features as possible like using bullet points, putting in summaries/ Tl;DR sections at ends of posts, adding in real life examples when I'm defining complicated technical concepts, adding content notes, and more. Before I post, I read through my posts and highlight every time I use a more academic or technical term. Then, I think through whether that vocab is necessary for people to understand the post, or if there's better language I could replace it with. A lot of times I do end up keeping in some technical terms in my posts because it is honestly the most direct way to explain some of the stuff I want to talk about, but it's been super valuable for me to go through and really think about it, even when some terms stay in my writing. that's just my process and what works for me and I really don't think that other people need to write the same way I do lmao, but if anyone ever wants to talk about writing in plain language & easy read PLEASE come into my inbox bc i love talking about this and want to chat about it with more people.

other things i'll say is that i've found that virtual/in person psych survivor/antipsych support groups are often times a lot more welcoming and accessible and are just like, people talking about things and hanging out together. I've heard really good things about Wildflower Alliance's support groups, and also recommend the Hearing Voices Network. Project LETS has been running an exceptional psychiatric survivor support group for almost a year that is more casual and is a really great community, I'm hoping that they're going to open up availability again in the spring so that might also be worth checking out in the next couple months. Campaign for Psych Abolition in the UK runs a mad art space that seems super fun. i wish there were a lot more existing groups cause it sucks how few things there are tbh.

anyway, know that you + anyone else are always welcome to chat in my inbox or on any of my posts and you will not face any judgement from me. i genuinely love talking to other psych survivors so much and want to hear what people have to say. the only people i get annoyed at on my posts are psych students and other mental health professionals who leave really bullshit stuff on there lmfao.

sending you all the solidarity, anon <3

#asks #psych survivor #surviving psych #psych abolition #mad liberation #accessibility #sorry for going on a tangent about plain language in the middle adsfjkhjkfsh i just like. am very passionate about plain language writing #and tumblr is one of the main places in my day to day life where i practice writing in plain language #i am not perfect at it but i really enjoy doing it and keep wanting to get better at it #also want to get better about writing in easy read. i'm not very good at that at all yet #ik that wasn't like directly related to your question tho so sorry!! i started getting excited about plain language #and then was like no okay i should just go post about plain language on a diff post that isn't ur ask askfdjhfjdkah #ANYWAY. sending all the love u way anon

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wortsandall · 2 months

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Jake Lockley-the lies we tell ourselves au

buckle in, this one's long next

my biggest inspiration for this whole au was this man right here. mostly from reading fanfiction and thinking-who is this man to me? and noticing the pattern that jake had become kind of one note.

the fanon jake lockley had become a kind of stereotype-the rough macho man, slinging Spanish and banging ladies-and rarely did I see anything go past those interpretations. now there's nothing really wrong with that and I don't mean to shit on anyone's perception or enjoyment of the character.

in the show, the only things we know are that

he fronts in violent moments to get marc and jake out of a bind

he speaks spanish

he has to be the one who asked the woman out at the museum

and thats exactly why we get the jake that we often see.

personally, I just wanted to explore beyond that. maybe as a black person as well i found that one note portrayal to almost be in poor taste and starts to infringe on some Latino stereotypes even if it's not purposeful. (again you do you. and I don't mean to speak over any Latino voices who may feel differently)

but jake to me can go so much deeper than that. the framing of him as the "violent" alter is so harmful when it comes to D.I.D. we all remember split. those that are uninformed about disorders like D.I.D usually don't see the harm that can come in that kind of portrayal or can be dismissive. I don't have D.I.D myself, but I do have an unfinished psych degree focusing on abnormal psych and dissociative disorders and a LOT of free time.

my main point being that I didn't want jake to just be the violent alter. it was so obvious to me that jake engages in violence as a form of protection. and that alone brings so much more depth to his character. jake only fronts in the show to get them out of a dangerous situation. and when he doesn't have to kill-he doesn't. like with the kid.

so jake immediately screamed protector to me. and the violence that comes as his form as protection is the most effective that we've seen. it's not about making sure that marc feels okay with what's been done or happy. it's about keeping them physically safe.

tw for discussions of abuse, bullying

the show shows us that marc, and in extension all the boys were abused by their mother. it may be jumping to conclusions but my next thought would be that's where jake gets the violence from. and I don't mean that he enjoys it or wishes to hurt people like he was hurt as some sort of outlet. but that now they get some kind of control over when and how they are hurt.

to make some more leaps, I thought that it's not far-fetched to believe that there could be bullying in their childhood due to potentially being seen talking to themselves. or if I wanted to make it sadder, for being both Jewish and Latino. I've seen my fair share of mixed people being forced to "pick" one or being ostracized for not fitting in the way they are supposed to.

hell, I'm fully black and have had to deal with not fitting the standard due to the way I speak, or dress, or what music I listen to, etc. if something like that was going on, I can imagine dots being connected. that in order to be left alone-violence can actually be the answer.

my mom beats me -> I tend to stay clear of her as much as I can -> these kids are bothering me -> I can make them steer clear of me

and if I'm hurt -> then its my choice -> a side effect of being in a fight -> not something done on purpose to me

I imagine that's jakes origins. he's not great for anything else in his eyes, that's all he's used to. marc wouldn't register these fights as anything abnormal. marc sees himself as broken and angry, and even as a child I think that's what he would boil these fights down to. he wouldn't remember the specifics of it-just the aftermath. feeling so angry then nothing but seeing the bully on the ground holding his nose. and just fill in the blanks for himself.

as a physical protector, jake's concern is physical safety. as they get older and they end up in psych wards or other mental facilities after their dad's growing concern about the out of character behavior. (steven, not knowing how to be covert) jake would be more aware. they are in this strange place, away from what's familiar and being treated like an invalid.

I think jake would front much more often, even if he's just watching from a corner of marc's mind. he'd be used to that kind of hyper vigilance. I don't want to demonize mental health facilities, though I know that a lot of them can be very harmful. but I don't think marc would be the one causing "trouble" in there, nor is steven.

this is where the other alters that I want to add for this au to come in. where marc remembers these wards as no big deal and steven has zero memory. but jake remembers more of the unpleasant aftermath caused by outbursts of a different alter leo. I'll get into him and what I imagine his character to be in a different post but just know that this is leo's origin: the wards they were in and out of as a teenager.

I think that once they left, they weren't fully an adult. maybe 17, about to turn 18 but marc hits the bricks. tired of his mother's abuse and his father's enabling of it. I imagine that in those couple months before 18, marc would rather be anywhere else. and jake would be the one helping with that, guiding marc without him realizing. turning them away from potential areas of danger, fully fronting in order to fight off a robber. I don't think this would be a long period-maybe a month or two. and that's why marc thought they could just leave until the military. (jake, tired of being the one to watch marc's stupid ass would wish that marc had just toughed it out at home until their 18th birthday. their mother was a known danger, the streets are not)

joining the military and everything after is mostly marc. jake only fronting similarly to the show, in life and death situations. steven and the other two alters wouldn't be fronting at all. and in these long year periods is where I think jake's role would change slightly. as marc learns how to better protect himself on his own, jake would become more of a gatekeeper. maybe not a great one, still concerned more about their physical safety than anything else.

"survive. don't die." that's jake's priority. so in these combat scenarios it is impertinent that alters who can't fight, won't. in this sole endeavor, he becomes a gatekeeper. anything that might trigger steven and the others gets heavily locked down. he has a tight hold on the front, making sure only he or marc could possibly do it. I can't imagine he'd be able to keep that tight hold at all times. maybe there's small moments where their guard is down and any of the others could front for a moment. but for the most part, he's successful.

and when he gets tired of this, maybe the others are starting to front more or marc's fatigue starts to impact him, he makes the decision that in order to stay alive, they have to go. and that he's the one who tried to leave in a fugue state.

we all know what happens next and fast-forwarding through that, jake has less of a need to front. marc has the suit now. but jake is still a gatekeeper. marc's belief that steven and everything that came with that was over is partly due to jake keeping them all neatly held back and marc unaware.

due this backstory of jake's I don't imagine him getting out much. he hasn't had time for much else and doesn't know who he is outside of protecting them. after their mother's Shiva, I think jake would be the reason why marc and steven's life start to recombine. that he'd notice how shaken marc is after her death and know that it's not a problem that he can fight. so steven starts to front more, taking the brunt of these emotional moments. jake takes an even further step back, thinking steven has his role. as a caretaker and emotional protector this would be good for marc.

in this relative calm, where marc is trying (and failing) to balance his life and steven's, jake has a lot of time on his hands. maybe he watches how marc crafts a fake life for steven and thinks that it'd be nice to have one of his own-but not know how to go about it. he's never really been a person. in his eyes. he doesn't know how to be. so maybe he takes a small step on asking out the woman at the museum (I can't remember her name or if it's ever been mentioned, sorry)

thats the last part of fanon jake that I would like to dissect. I know in the comics I've read (and its only the 2016 and 2021 ones I apologize for that) there are references to this "woman-loving" personality. there are scenes where marc, steven, and jake are all talking and jake is in a club environment with dancers. and for me, it's never read as him being some kind of playboy hounding or thirsting after woman. in most of these scenes, jake is namely talking about finding community and people to care for in the rougher crowds. the crowds that might frequent these types of areas and crowds.

that's what I'd like to focus in on. jake may be a part of a system but it is a fairly isolated one. and part of that is due to his choices, but that doesn't mean he can't yearn for community. jake would be around during the time that marc was with layla. I imagine he'd probably have fronted a number of times as well. jake wouldn't know to navigate more emotional and intimate moments making him uncomfortable around her. he's covert enough to pretend to be marc in day to day scenarios, but not this. at the same time he'd see the way they interact and clearly love each other and become envious. so when he gets a chance, he tries it out for himself. though he never gets to go on that date.

all this to say jake lockley is aroace. he wants connection, community, family. due to circumstances both in and out of his control he'd never experienced that. and the couple times he has, it's been in a romantic sense. so he tries to copy that, thinking maybe that will be the key. but it isn't. he doesn't need that. he just needs some form of intimate connection to help him learn and remember how to be human. not just as a weapon, not just as a human shield. but as a person with his own wants and needs and personality outside of what the system wants.

that's my jake lockley.

the lies we tell ourselves au masterpost

#tlwto au #moon knight #moon knight thoughts #moon knight system #moon knight comics #jake lockley #jake lockley meta #marc spector #steven grant #my writing #current wip #writers on tumblr

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sp4rrowdoll · 1 year

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Another request before i sleep, i hope I'm not bothering you💀😭

BUT! this is your post to share any headcanons about literally anyone from dol😌 just a space for you to put stuff youve been thinking about but not knowing where to organise your thoughts. Hit me with anything abt anything bro let's fucking GO

(and i ask this just before heading to bed so goodnight😩🤌)

You are not bothering me at all!!! I love getting asks and requests, and getting to write for people, it's genuinely really helpful and inspiring. Gimme all the asks! I want them all!! Sometimes I do sit on them a bit though, they need to incubate. Marinate, if you will, for maximum flavor and tenderness.

Alrighty, headcanon time. I've got some headcanons for both Bailey and Mason. (Mason is fantastic and I love them so much) Bailey:

Bailey was a good person once.

Not anymore, certainly—that ship sailed a long fuckin’ time ago, and he doesn’t even bother to pretend that he wants what’s best for the orphans under his care, regardless of age—they aren’t quite livestock to him, but they’re close. When he’s doing the accounting for the orphanage, the younger ones are labeled “investments,” and the ones that have hit eighteen are moved into the “assets” list. It’s cold and brutal of him, and he knows it. But that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? No matter what he does, he knows it’s immoral as shit, that it’s fucked up and evil of him, and he keeps doing it anyway.

He wouldn’t call himself tormented about his actions, or his lifestyle, but something has him showing up to the hookah parlor regularly, huffing sweet smoke and doing his best to forget.

He wasn’t born here. Sometimes he wishes that he was, so the effects of the town didn’t hit him like a fucking truck, unwinding all of the baser impulses he’d stashed away and accumulated over the years. And sometimes he’s glad he wasn’t, because he still has at least some control over himself, and he’s sharper than the rest of the idiots trying and failing to run the place. There was a point in time where he’d wanted to be a good person. When he’d gotten a degree in developmental psyche, and was bright eyed and pursuing the advertisements in the local paper. When he’d seen a job opening in a small town that he’d never heard of before, for a caretaker at an orphanage, and something inside him had compelled him to take it, even though the pay was shit.

Sometimes he feels like two different people stuffed into the same skin suit, and the person that he used to be is clawing at the edges of his mind, begging to be let out. That’s when he sighs, rolls back his ostentatious leather-backed office chair from his desk, and heads down to Barb Street.

He needs another pipe. Mason:

Mason is a virgin.

He has no idea how he managed to get past his twenty-first birthday in this town without having been forced to have—intercourse—with someone, and maybe it’s the fact that he can’t even think about sex without flushing like it’s his very first health class, and maybe it's the fact that he’s been swimming since before he could walk. His parents were big on physical fitness, before they—he still doesn’t know exactly what happened to them. Maybe they died, maybe they left, he doesn’t know and he can’t quite remember. He can’t muster up any feelings of regret or abandonment, so at least there’s that. They must have told him where they were going, or he must have known what happened to them, but he just can’t remember, no matter how hard he tries.

He thinks about teaching a self-defense class sometimes. God knows there’s plenty of kids—he doesn’t know why he calls them kids, they’re barely that much younger than he is—in this town who could use them. And then he spends all day getting leered at by them, and he remembers exactly why he doesn’t do that.

At least the lake is always there for him. It’s the only place in this town where he feels like he can breathe. Even if it’s raining and the sheets of water from above and below surround him, and there’s barely any air at all. It’s like flying.

It’s like freedom.

#dol #degrees of lewdity #bailey the caretaker #dol bailey #mason the swimming teacher #dol mason #craving a merperson!mason au rn #selkie!mason would also be good #lotsa fucked up potential there #he is so sexy to me

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incarnateirony · 1 month

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At least she's confessing she takes handfuls of mhi pills now. Instead of pretending she's okiedokie it's just ADHD. Now if only she would look at that, then look at the last pinned post and her playlist, then look at reality, then let me go. So here we go trying again, condensed.

Yo, crazy lady with the handful of pills who's inner self she keeps disassociating so she can ride my dick and have zero accountability, that inner logic brain self told her to go to therapy. Read it again.

Whether or not you accept it, that is reality and the core of your problems. Every fundamental you think of Hermes, was just me understanding myself THROUGH Hermes because I was actually following his path, and you leaned it all on me.

That is LITERALLY there due to your attachment to the way our characters met in roleplay, that is the only reason it is there. End of fucking story. Remember my name, you goddamn know it.

Now you're gonna get mark and your other misled pals all the way off.

If you want to try to learn Hermes, that's fine, but you gotta learn HIM, not me. Khaire has a beautiful, unique, but appropriate playlist. Yours is a mess of old albums I all referenced, it is literally my old vibe list, again.

Giiiiirl. Girl it should not be so hard to dump you that I've made a bootstrap paradox trying to get the fuck rid of you. Why the fuck are you acting this brain damaged, I don't know how many pills you have to take on a day, you posted your playlist with some accidental prompt lucidity, thinking you were being annoying, only to give me your heartsong key and show it's... still fuckin mine, mostly.

YOU WANT TO FOLLOW HERMES, THEN FOLLOW HERMES, NOT A SHADOW OF ME YOU'VE GRAFTED YOUR UNDERSTANDING TO. HE WAS LITERALLY MY WRITTEN SHADOW PROCESSING BLOC GIRL.

Your ENTIRE UNDERSTANDING of him comes from trying to shortcut across my own path and my own identity, and "Secrets" being so high on your list only to descend into the rest literally quantifies that. Maam every moment wasn't divine inspiration, it was my own soul trying to find who it was in this life, as it is for everyone, if they listen. And you ran off with that, because you refused any of the work that wasn't roleplay romance or disassociative channeling for attention. And you're still refusing the work now, just coasting on the easy parts!

If you realize you've been on the wrong path YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WHERE YOU FUCKED UP, not JUST KEEP WALKING

ATHENA IS SCREAMING BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BUSY CHASING ME TO LET HER OUT. Therapy is just guided shadow work, hence me working in crisis counseling. Whether people call it that or know the mystic face or not isn't the point, it's the same fucking thing. your Logic Brain is telling you to go to therapy because she's trapped in that Giant Screaming Lady but is among your more accessible levels, maybe Artemis too. She can't fix it, because you won't let her. Your Logic Brain told you to go to therapy so you stop intentionally confusing yourself with my Chaos Brain, which is in fact a different brain, and mine, not yours.

That's why Athena told you to go to fucking therapy. Because she can't help you, because you won't help you, and you won't help each other until you face this very basic truth.

What's got you fucked up is accepting you thought you dumped one of the few Magi that can on command pull off his mask and be him, all of him, everything all at once and everywhere, but also still maintain being myself. And man, that SUCKS for you to have picked a fight with. Or stalked or gotten confused. Or been highly offensive to the ssnakes in the sservice indusstry and the manager. Something about blackscreening from a hidden screen you were thinking about a lot. I have an eight page doc of notes called "stole it from the supervisor, not sorry about it."

Yo crazy lady in the wet bear suit with the handful of pills and the therapy because her inner logic brain can't anymore that's arguing with the 20x accredited psych worker and degreed Magus. Yeah you. Why do you think the song we met on, basically, is still in your playlist core, and all the albums I referenced. Lloth of the 10th in red that doesn't know why she got Boo'ed by the spider weilding Pan so vividly. Crazy lady. You.

Lady, you've been dumped by Coyote, and now you gotta set your shit straight with all the other people you've done fucked up and gotten locked on me. You wanna follow him you have to do more than copy me and other people's playlists or my old stories or designs or, literally, my old shadow processing bloc.

We're still fucking doing this? Is it the depth of the entanglement you've cursed your life to, or the embarrassment stopping you more now? Gonna give ALL our secrets away, sweet cheeks.

Some fucking things in life aren't about your motherfucking opinion or personal comfort, princess. Sometimes, we lose things, and sometimes we make mistakes, and those things can't be fixed and won't come back, and it's time to learn to process grief like a fucking adult and face reality, because this is it, this is reality. And you objectively refuse to actually go back and learn Hermes properly from the gate, you don't want to, you WANT to stay clung to me even when our ancestors are screaming, and athena is screaming, and your inner broken self is overall screaming, and I'm screaming, and you still won't fucking listen, let me go, or learn over right, you just keep doubling down on a path you fucking admitted was wrong without turning around.

I REGRET TO INFORM YOU IT TAKES MORE THAN CHANGING YOUR BLOG TITLE TO CHANGE YOUR PATH.

This shit is literally my experience with you harassing me at any possible angle for the last three years since our breakup, begging for my motherfucking attention, and maybe you hadn't noticed, there's a lot of Cat metaphors going on.

BUT UR NEW ICONS ARENT ALL RAINBOW HAIR. well yeah. I started basing them after my appearance at the time fused to the other elements. That and, Coyote was a fractal part of a whole. There was still Ash's mess and the rest to unpack. That, all of that, is me and my history and family and lineage and right, and you fucking have your own but you keep trying to ride on mine. Yeah there's a crazy disco lights rocker in here, but he's actually unified with an old gambler staring at you and squinting, woman. Hey. Hey Lady. Guess what it's all of them all at once, and that makes me. What's not clicking. Now fucking do yours. Now will you consider hopping off me long enough for sis to actually give you a hand?

Girl it's time to accept "Min" knew you were full of shit for at least a few years before we broke up. And was all but over you. But made you a series of promises, and intended to keep them, even if it was slowly killing me. And it still is, just largely and rapidly now. Because I/she/me/whatever you want to disassociate your ex lover to are still keeping that promise. You won't let us go, so we're still technically with you, so we're making it so you don't have to do the Work and are doing whatever you need to be provided for. You know, promise 3, getting you out, even if that's just Athena and a new installation for her that actually fucking functions. You not liking what that looks like is somewhere among a plethora of personal problems.

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Big brain time Shea. Imagine if Ash and Coyote DNA digivolved as one anthropologically coherent legacy become personage and X-crossed into someone that used to call themselves Min, and then you managed to piss them the collective and him the singular off by being a veil of conscious and willful delusion fuckin stalking abusive llothian shadow cultist fucking up Athena, Artemis, and Selene all at once. Try that hat on, cocaine bear. Brian was always my chaos brain. Niekai was always your logic brain. Why are you fighting this.

Someone sure the fuck is in the giant shitbowl you keep trying to ignore happening. We've been in code blue for hours.

Huh wonder why this is.

I'd like my mask back. All the way. No halfs this time. Those are my air jordans, my songs, my works, my stories. Running from the octopus jibberish was just the first bandaid ripped off. Your castle of glass is going to break. The thing you're only a crack in. Funny. That song's not mine. But I, too, reflect energy.

Call me thee crustdaddy, honest papa lotus, the angels are laughing and saying be mushroom funny guy.

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Fuckin sorry everybody I started going code red for a second there but switched tracks, we're good now.

#piratecandyrumpockyridingsniffmakesbuttrumhoopleborpna #i make uplifting emotional abuse music #my gun so big the matrix had to reload it #just stop stealing my shit homegirl hashtag magus #you put copyright symbol on other people's work and are still connected to me psycho #Youtube

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xxlovelynovaxx · 1 year

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"Okay, you need to be SUPER HONEST with me and if your delusions or hallucinations get WORSE, we'll need to stop that med because you've worked SO HARD to get those symptoms under control and we don't wanna mess that up, okay widdle babey?"

Okay so my med manager did not say the last two words, but the condescension was so real. Like no actually I didn't have to work hard at all to deal with my psychosis, I've just been dealing with intrusive thoughts since I was six years old so when an unpleasant delusion happens I just kinda go "nah" about it and when it's pleasant and harmless well, why bother to even go "nah" about it.

Anyway I'm switching providers but I will LIE THROUGH MY TEETH to get the care for my ADHD that I need. Like actually my ADHD is more disabling than my schizophrenia could EVER be and I think I'm capable of determining for MYSELF which one is ACTIVELY HARMING ME in my day to day life.

Like providers see ADHD and schizophrenia and are like oh you can probably power through the ADHD but the schizophrenia is probably destroying your life poor thing. And I'm like... uh actually it's not the schizophrenia causing me to scroll Tumblr for 8 hours and forget to eat. It's not the schizophrenia causing an absolute executive dysfunction barrier that I can't overcome for the simplest of tasks.

(Oh, and btw, she said when I mentioned executive dysfunction that I'd have to work with my therapist on being more "motivated". And then I had to explain to HER that executive dysfunction has NOTHING to do with "motivation".)

Like, I'm not lying about the ADHD stuff, but she told me she'd stop prescribing the med if SHE THOUGHT it was harming me if the psychosis got stronger if I refused an antipsychotic. After I had JUST finished telling her how I'd had meds forced on me while in inpatient and been subject to psychiatric abuse.

Never mind that I am fully capable of determining whether or not my psychosis is too much for me to handle. Never mind that antipsychotics are increasingly being found harmful even for treating psychosis* long term. Never mind that besides the very obvious ableism, I suspect an extreme level of sanism and infantilization of schizospec/psychotic people influencing her thought process.

Gods save me from psychiatrists who think a 30 minute appointment gives them enough insight into my life to be the benevolent arbiter of what's good for me. Like this woman fully had a savior complex with her "well, I have an obligation to do what's best for YOU uwu" bullshit. How about you start with listening to and believing me? Huh? Is that too hard for you, with your falsely inflated ego?

Is that what you spent all those years in school doing, being vapidly praised until you believed you were both smart and capable despite all evidence pointing to the contrary, rather than bothering to learn a single thing so you're still stuck failing psych 101 about what executive dysfunction is but somehow have a degree? Nah actually they probably only give you the degree if you get the test questions that badly wrong ime.

Let's be real, psych academia is just an endless circlejerk of "look at what a good person I am for being willing to help these poor, sick, disgustingly insane people. They don't even know how fucked up they are and I'm such a saint for forcing them to be 'well' again."

Anyway I desperately need help for my ADHD and am ACTIVELY FINE with my psychosis getting stronger because not only are the majority of my delusions pleasant, but they'd have to get MULTIPLE ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE stronger before I'd even BEGIN to question my ability to handle them. I've dealt with far worse and stronger than this since again, I was SIX.

*That being said, I am pro-harm REDUCTION and if antipsychotics help you personally I will FIGHT for your right to take them for as long as I live. I am also pro-informed consent and my point in mentioning this is that people should know this before they take them, not that they shouldn't take them - and also that she preaches about having an obligation not to harm me and then doesn't know or care that antipsychotics are harmful. I rather suspect she doesn't care and simply sees psychosis as inherently more harmful than any harm antipsychotics do, which is wildly sanist.

#anti psych #psych abuse #psychiatric abuse #ableism #sanism #actually ADHD #actually schizophrenic #actually schizospec #actually psychotic #if you're pr0 p$ych especially if you're a psych provider stay the FUCK off my post

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catnherthoughts · 4 months

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ptsd in romantic relationships 12/18/23

this is not fair to you and i apologize. there is nothing you have done to me as far as i've known. this weight coming onto you is not what you deserve. i should be sorry that i am the one you love*. you don't even know it! you have no clue and as much as i'd love for it to stay that way i don't know if i can keep hiding these panic attacks. but how am i meant to tell you. it's not a good thing and i'm meant to be good. i am as good as i can be because you picked me an made me yours. you gave me something i've been searching for for years and i have to nerve to feel any sort of way? it's been a very long time since i've been in therapy. i think that you can infer from some things. you aren't dumb, in fact you're a capricorn. with a cancer moon. god you are great.

i remember when we were in the car and you said you've never really had any sort of real emotional turmoil. you've never thought of suicide. never been abused to a degree that was severe. that is so nice. i was so grateful that you never had to experience something like that. you don't have any sort of weight on you. then immediately after i thought to myself. i have thought of it. there were days, weeks, months, years where it's all i thought of. more times than i'd like to admit that i've tried and for some reason unbeknownst to me all failed. all of them failed for me to come to you like a battered puppy inside.

you don't know what happened to me. how they hit me and what i was forced to take and how i was manipulated. i was meant to feel like i wasn't a person. that is what love is to me. i am scared everyday that you are going to do the same and that is not fair to you. you are nice to me. such a great partner. how could i ever think that way. i feel so horrible about myself when you say something stupid and i think about how you could be trying to manipulate me or trying to do something to me. when we got high over the phone and u joked about gaslighting i laughed it off but i almost went into a panicked frenzy.

i don't deserve you. i can't pretend like i am not who i am. you don't know me at heart and i don't even know if i can tell you. how is this gonna work. you don't get it and i don't want you to. no one has ever really loved me without repercussions to my psyche. i have scars on my body from everyone i've ever loved, whether self inflicted, inflicted by them, or mental. im so tired. i dont deserve you i should kill myself. you don't deserve a girlfriend like me. you deserve a girl that is okay mentally, no attempts under her belt, a normal girl. so you guys can love each other and you don't have to deal with this. i don't even want to deal with it. i don't want to tell you but i think after we break up i may do it. i got the love i've been longing for and i've been so tired of keeping going. you don't deserve a dead girlfriend. maybe i'll do it a few years after we break up so u don't think its your fault. if anything its the opposite. you're delaying the ineviatable by being such a good person.

i haven't been good at all. i'm a bad person. i can say that the world molded me this way but that is an excuse i chose not to take. there is something wrong with me in the soul after being thrown around the way i have. you don't deserve someone like me. if i had a gun i'd do it right now and leave you a long letter about how you were such a great boyfriend and how you helped me through what i'd never tell you about and all the things of that sort. i think that i was meant to perpetually be abused so that i can take all i can possibly take and then reach a breaking point where my method of choice actually goes through. i'm sorry that i am me.

gray text: ohh, guessing u don’t wanna talk about it

blue text: i don't want it to seem like i don't tell you why i feel some ways sometimes because of anything against you. there is just a good amount of things you don't know ab yet and eventually you'll know ab it all but i just get anxious that you won't look at me the same plus i don't wanna like burden u with this stuff i can deal w myself. i trust you a lot and rlly do appreciate you very much.

im so sorry that we met and you liked me.

#ptsd #personal rant #late night thoughts #thought piece #female philosophy #mdd #abuse recovery

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remornia · 10 months

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I've been thinking a lot about Uinen and Denathrius' relationship so if you wanna hear those thoughts I'll explain under the cut. TW for like...general talk about abusive dynamics and coercion, stuff of that nature. Generally pretty dark

It's a very interesting concept to me because a relationship between a mortal and an Eternal One is probably the single worst power dynamic that can be achieved in WoW. And such a relationship was never ever supposed to happen since mortals were not supposed to be in the Shadowlands in the first place

I think Denathrius did genuinely care about Uinen to a degree. Whether or not he actually loved her is up for debate. But an Eternal One, who has no concept of ever being mortal or even having any less power than...100% control over their respective realm, would unintentionally damage a mortal's psyche if they were to have a relationship with one. The difference in power is just so incredibly immense. Denathrius, whether or not he cared about Uinen, did not offer a choice in this relationship. He gets what he wants, end of story. Though Uinen was dubiously willing to engage, there is the understanding that she has absolutely no semblance of control or power in this relationship. She may as well be nothing more than an object of lust to him. An Eternal One fundamentally cannot comprehend how a mortal mind operates and vice versa. They could not be any more different

And Uinen's actual genuine willingness can be debated. She was attracted to him at first sight because who isn't. He obviously perceives this and uses it to his advantage. He was attracted to her only because she is mortal and therefore useful to him (Mortal anima is way more potent than the normal anima the Venthyr get) Uinen is tortured and drained of anima by the harvesters while held captive in Castle Nathria, but not by Denathrius himself (although he knew this was happening and allowed it to continue, and also Remornia, who I write as his wife, tormented Uinen out of jealousy and boredom/pure bloodlust too)

Finally, he must feel some amount of remorse because he allows Uinen out of the dungeon with almost free range in Castle Nathria, though she can't leave the castle and can't go out of sight. She is still a prisoner but with a few more privileges. In Uinen's mind, Denathrius saved her from the torment that he was complicit in in the first place which (to her) is a generous act. Keep in mind that she is already psychologically broken by the torture at this point. So she develops this weird fixation with him, so of course she'd agree to be his consort because what an honor and it's the least she can do for him after his Noble Deed of "saving" her

So obviously this does not really count as consent because of the extreme coercion involved. So yeah, pretty toxic relationship even if Denathrius wasn't really that cruel to her personally. But it also explains her loyalty to him even after she's freed, which everyone finds extremely odd given that it was very obvious that she was abused while in Castle Nathria

And on some level, Uinen is still not very aware of this. There is a part of her that misses that relationship because of the power she believed it gave her. No one could fuck with her because she was the Master of Revendreth's prized possession. A feeling of invincibility, I guess. Even if she was being held captive and wanted freedom

For some reason I'm really invested in the psychology of my characters. I like to explore how they think and why they do the things they do. And I know it's weird that I like writing such dark stuff about a character that I really love, but whatever

#oc: uinen

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pertinax--loculos · 8 months

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Update

Writing So, I'm back on Psyche Shards, primarily because I was trotting along writing down ideas for a new WIP inspired by some media I've been consuming, and I was halfway through that when I stopped and went, 'wait... I already have a lot of these plot-points in a previous WIP'. So I guess that's an advantage of having a gratuitous amount of WIPs? When you get a new idea there's a whole plethora of already-existing stories into which you can incorporate the new ideas?

I'm also giving zero drafting a try. This came about because of my tendency to 'write' things in my head when I'm trying to sleep, which is something I've always done. In the past I've then got up the next day and tried to write the scenes, with varying levels of success (sometimes they're really good! Sometimes I lose a lot of it. Sometimes I'll think up like four 3k+ scenes the night before and by the time I've written one I'm out of brain-juice for the others); and that final point in the brackets is why I started zero drafting. I also haven't written in a while so the words weren't really coming, so I just went fuck it, let's just basically dot-point what I remember and that's how I got down the meat of three scenes in 4k words. It's actually a fun time! I don't have to worry about word choice, if I can't think of a response or a witty remark I just write 'he says something witty here', and if I haven't thought up the end of a scene I can just skip to the next one.

(Yes, I'm aware the above is exactly why people champion the idea of zero drafts in the first place. Sometimes you just have to do something to understand it. 😆)

So yeah, I'm having fun with it! I've now written about 6.5k in the last four-ish days, after months of writing nothing. The plot and structure of this WIP is still hell on earth, but again, the advantage of zero drafting is I can flick through everything quite quickly and see how it shapes up and how that influences the choices the characters make and how everything turns out. Plus, it's a lot less effort to put in the scrap pile if I need to get rid of scenes, etc etc.

In semi-related news, I'm hoping to start getting more active with tags, asks, reblogs, all that good interaction-y stuff. So if you see me answering an ask or a tag from millennia ago, that's why. 😅 We'll see how we go with all the Life things (see below), but that is the plan!

Life So, I've officially dropped back to a single degree, which I did late enough into the semester that I can't pick up units, so I'm on a part-time workload for this semester. Which is good because I'm hoping it will mean I have more time to write and get back into the community. ^_^

In saying that, I've also applied for two jobs recently; #1, which is exceptionally unlikely I'll get very far, and #2, where I've reached stage 3/5 of the (lengthy, competitive) application process. So if either of those go anywhere I'll obviously need to rethink things.

But generally, with any luck this semester will bring more time to write and a lot less stress. :D

I hope everybody is going well! If you've made it this far congrats. <3 If you wanna pop in and let me know how you're going, feel free! I've been lurking on and off over the last few months or so, but I'd love to catch up with what everybody's doing. ^_^

#pockets muses IRL #pockets muses IWL #update #writing update #so this got long #was gonna put it under a cut but then decided not to #because that's how i roll *shrug*#but yes this covers the essential basics pretty much #hoping to be back #which i know i've said a lot #but anyway

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bonelessbabe21 · 1 year

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The best thing for my mental health in the short term would be dropping out. The best thing for my financial wellbeing long term would be sticking it out another year. My parents were disappointed when they thought I was getting by with Cs. I don't want to know how they would react to me failing several classes. Again. I can't do shit with a psych degree without my masters but I won't even get into a grad program with my GPA. I'm so tired. I haven't been to class in weeks. This was my dream. It could've been so good. I could've done great. I still am so passionate about psychology and I really do love to learn and I like my professors. I don't know how to get better. My head hurts and it's too much and I threw away my future and I really don't think I can fix it. I just want to be done. I just wish I did better. I don't care anymore. I'm fucking crushed. My head hurts. I would've been good at being a therapist if I had my shit together. Maybe I could've gotten my shit together if I tried harder. I had potential. They're gonna be so disappointed and they should be. I was never going to make it. I still want to try. I want it to be over. I'm so tired. I need a break. I need to be done. I tried to keep going with school but I am so burnt out. Anyway how are you guys doing tonight. I have an exam tomorrow and another one yesterday that I missed and a paper I never did and another paper and another paper and an interview and a lab and fucking band rehearsal and I've missed so many points that even if I try my hardest I might not pass and I can't drop any of the classes because it's too late. It's too late. Fucking hell dude

#tl;dr school is eating my ass #this sounds dramatic bc i am dramatic everything is fine

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xanaxlollipop · 2 years

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Are you afraid of me?

🚩20+ 1 things most people are embarrassed/afraid of sharing in therapy 🚩

Love life:

How often do you lie to your partner - counting both the"getting out of trouble" lies and the "not the truth" lies. Again, It's normal.

Cheating on a partner that you're still in love with - honestly...this is the most common thing I've ever heard and there are so many (and so deep) reasons behind it... it's worth sharing this in therapy...trust me

Being somehow interested in your ex, even if you're in a happy healthy relationship - yep...both these things can be true at the same time

Very specific kink/fetish - I have one thing to say: BE WONDERFULLY FREAKY! We all are (not only with sex), join the club.

You stayed in a relationship past the point where it should have ended - it's a hard passage, we all go through it, really you're not a bad person

Performance anxiety when you're intimate - I don't know a single person that haven't experienced it, but I'm very happy for you if you've never had it!!

Having an STI - It happens, my only concern here is you being able to access to proper medical care if you need it. That's all. Please stay safe and protected always. If you need info just ask

You slept with "too many/not enough" people

Parents:

Feeling relieved when your parents (one or both) die - This can mess a person up, but it's ok and you can brace that at least a part of you can be satisfied by this event

If you have kids:

A part of you hate having kids - that's normal, and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent

The emotional trauma you created to your child that will last forever because you're a "failed as a parent" - This is a thought that every good parent has at some point, every parent leave a scar on their kids, the point is being able to recognize their pain, giving them the tools to heal, accepting their feelings and their healing path

General stuff:

Having racist thoughts - unfortunately society has trained us well about this, it's hard to escape, I love that you're in for a change tho!

You hate your body (even if other people envy you) - Thanks capitalism/objectification/beauty standards etc

You failed/dropped out of school/finished college in more years than the standard ones - Bruh, my psych. degree is 3 + 2 years, I finished in 6 years... standards don't work for everyone, there's no shame in that.

Really intrusive disturbing/violent thoughts - it's normal to think about horrid stuff and please remember that there's a big difference between thoughts and actions

(Related to the previous one) Detailed revenge fantasies about people that hurt you/you don't like - You can be a good person even if you have these, I have them all the time and I still do my best in the world to spread kindness and support (and be polite with the people I don't like, sometimes your best is just not being mean instead of being nice)

Bullying someone as a kid - carrying around this type of guilt is heavy. I understand, change is possible and it's more useful to recognize a mistake and learn, than never make mistakes

Being lazy/unmotivated/not wanting to work - well...I don't have much to say about this, but again...thanks capitalism! lmao

Heavy stuff (TW: S.A / suicide)

This one is heavy, How quick your brain can run to the thought of unaliving yourself and be relieved about the "not being here anymore" - I won't comment on this one but if you're afraid to be sent to grippy-socks-ward...this is not the case.

You've been assaulted and you never told anyone about it and never planned to do so.

+1:

That You think your therapist is wrong/made a mistake/ is not informed enough about something/you didn't like how they responded or asked a question/ you think the topic they're discussing is not useful for your problem etc.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TELL YOUR THERAPIST WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN THERAPY.

It's called "therapeutic RELATIONSHIP" for a reason.

#psychology #mental health #psychologist #mental health support #healing #therapy #trauma #fears #stuff you should do in therapy #unconventional psychology #tw suicide #tw SA

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separatist-apologist · 2 years

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If given the opportunity would you become a full time author?

Yes. 100%. And I've thought more than once about moving in that direction and like, being serious about it. And then I psych myself out. Like, I spent so much money and time and effort getting this masters degree and so, for one, what was even the point?

And two, like...I guess I also worry that it wouldn't be good. It feels really vulnerable in a way that all this fanfiction does not. There are pieces of me in those fics, but they don't wholly belong to me. And I'll start and then talk myself. outof it and go back to things that feel safe like my in real life job and my fanfiction

Tell the blogger you have a crush on them

#i want to turn wonderland into an actual fleshed out story #but ive never done much more with it than rewrite the first chapter

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dzpenumbra · 2 years

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9/1/22

How fucked it is that you can advertise psych meds via targeted ads to people with mental health problems (so like, literally everyone) directly on their phones, cued by listening for keywords, most of the time without their knowledge. Meds that those people can't even legally purchase themselves. Like... how is this legal? I mean, let me be real about this, this isn't legal in like... most other countries in the world. So... why are we cool with this? Like, if you wanna go "we have a right to make money" or whatever, to a certain degree I get that... but where are we drawing the line? Advertising booze to alcoholics? On their phones? Because they're watching YouTube videos? Maybe even videos about quitting?

We have been in an anxiety and depression crisis as a country for nigh over a decade. I mean, that's as long as it's been known by the general public. We know very well this is a problem and have known for quite some time. Yet... we don't just allow the targeting of the traumatized as a focused demographic, we defend it. I'm sorry, I'm not cool with that. I'm not cut out to be a politician, I'm way too anxious, I've been socially deprived for way too long to have that many eyes on me comfortably. I don't want to participate in acts of expressive aggression as a way of instigating change. Violence makes me lose hope in the world. And Anger begets anger. I don't want to be a soldier or a revolutionary. We have enough people who would love to play that role, if one is needed. I am simply a survivor, who is concerned about how we treat each other. How lowly we can look at our fellow man. Our biological equals. Our brothers and sisters. And see them in profound, psyche-shattering pain. Grief, sadness, fear, shame. And not see them as someone we should be comforting and healing, but rather as a flock of sheep they can now regularly shear. A money tree, if you will.

I use phrases that I think sound fancy sometimes to sound a bit more profound, to try to stress a point. Like... if you will. It makes me sound deeeeep, right? XD I do it because I get a fun chuckle out of it. It happens a bit when my spiritual, intellectual side comes out to play. He hasn't really been around much since my panic/survival self grabbed the steering wheel.

It's crazy how multifaceted one personality can be, and how little people really want to look at what our own psyche really is. It's so fucking weird! Like, why would you NOT want to learn more about not just who you are, but what you are?! Like... think of it this way... I've used this analogy successfully before. Think back to you as a kid, whatever memory you can go into your own head like a GoPro cam with and remember what it was like to... experience that time, to make decisions within that time, to be in the present Now in that time. That is still you. That kid (for me, there's one around 6 years old, and definitely a few around the tween years) is still you.

You could imitate those thought patterns, that perspective, speak the way you used to, act the way you used to, to summon that personality to the surface. Easily! I do it when I go and look for stones in a river. I climb barefoot all over the rocks and squat on the beach digging through pebbles looking for pretty ones. I've done that exactly the same way since I was a kid. I can bring him to the surface when I need him around, with the right prompts. I think some of us are much more adept at it, or at least intentional with it, which can make them much more skilled at reacting to situations. I imagine some people kinda have a baseball team on a bench in their head, they can just call the right personality out whenever, tons of options. I have quite a few, I guess I just haven't really been paying much attention to who's been grabbing the steering wheel lately. It feels a lot like Fear. Tends to take over when I'm in survival-mode, which I absolutely have been the past few days.

But we really struggle to like... accept that we can be more than one person at a time. As a sorta... compound person? I don't know, I wanted to say fractal or something, but like... multiple sub-people within a persona, which chooses which sub-person gets filtered through. I guess spirits within a soul, maybe? And if you go around talking about being more than one person, then people really like to assume you're just mistaken, sick or confused. Like they've ever even entertained the thought! Sigh... <and facepalm>.

It's hard to relate to people about the psyche and what can happen to it when things go wrong. We all just want to compete, it feels like. We like to believe everything we know right now is real, is truth. We don't want to be wrong. But the only truth is that the truth is always changing, because Life does not stop, it keeps changing and growing. We keep learning in it's wake, in this tantalizing game of chase that we will never win. No matter how cocky we get. No matter how smart we get. No matter what fancy gadgets we invent to try to do it for us. The more we look, not only do we see more, but we create more. The more we push to learn, the more possibilities we create. We will never know everything, we will never even come close. So why the fuck does Rick at the Corner Store think he knows everything there is to know about the world? The ones who think they've got it all figured out? Do yourself a favor, watch out for those ones.

I'm in a mood tonight, I guess. Weird place in my life, weird place psychologically, as I sorta transition between two new visions of where I'm leading my life. I had a pretty clear image of what my life was going to look like in the future, a goal. A cabin in the woods not too far from civilization. I had internet there, I was streaming, doing art/music/writing/crafts/acting full-time. I had a partner, we played video games and watched movies together in our free time, and a lot of Twitch and YouTube. We'd go out in nature a LOT. I'd teach her to skateboard and snowskate, and we'd go on skate trips together. She'd probably think my cat was weird and struggle to approach her because she's getting old, but they'd get to know each other and then one day she'd lay on top of her at night instead of me and I'd be really sad, but also unbelievably happy. Maybe we'd think about kids, but not right away. Maybe she has a kid already, I don't know, I never really got to figure out where I am with that. Didn't really feel like it was at the top of anyone's conversation list with me. My life would be keeping a standard of homestead that both of us approved of. Maintain the home repairs, keep it in a condition we both agreed upon, tend to the animals, cook (or share cooking, if wanted), do laundry, put the groceries away, and to plan recreational activities and adventures. Game nights, outings, stuff like that. All the while working on whatever creative/entertainment venture inspired me. A new game playthrough with a roleplay story element to put on YouTube as a series. A series of nature illustrations. A poetry chap-book (fuck yeah I learned that word). A D&D campaign to stream. Mandalas. Grip tape art. Locally sourced natural material jewelry. You know, weird artsy shit. It would be a very busy life. Adding in kids would just make it nuts, but I'd do my very best to keep that managed, freeing my partner to pursue their passions, and not blockading them from participating in those home management activities as well. Does it sound like a clear vision of what kind of life and person I want to be? Does it sound like I want that life? Like I'd be happy in that life?

Here's the life I've resigned that one for. Fleeing to a tiny city in a panic, getting a job at some store (hopefully a gaming shop or like a weird old bookstore or something? Maybe an antique shop or a curiosity shop or something if they have one), living in an apartment that I likely won't be able to pay for myself on just that one job, so I likely will have to do a second job part-time as well, or I will still have to depend on my Mom for money. Most of my time will be spent working, cooking and cleaning, honestly. I may get a few hours in between to choose between more work with art or music practice, so I don't get rusty. Or I could use that time gaming. Or watching a stream. Or watching a show/movie/YouTube video/podcast. Or writing. But probably just one of those.

So let's really ask this. We're promised Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, right? Those are our unalienable rights, yeah? Life? I guess maybe we were just sorta saying "you get to be alive here." Not "we'll try to get you as close as we can to where you will be most harmonious, where you fit the best." Liberty? The ability to pursue that life? To be honest, I'm not quite sure I have the means to achieve that life short of a small miracle right now. Not in a way where I wouldn't be paying a crippling price, like several hour fights at least once a week. Pursuit of Happiness? Well, I guess you're always welcome to attempt to pursue happiness. I want to glaze over this one as a sorta "duh" considering the implications of the last two, but I guess it kinda needs to be said or else people will try to blockade it.

We really are shitty creatures, aren't we?

Oh well, hopefully we can just start being a bit nicer to each other and we might be able to get back into hopeful times. Harmonious times, where we're optimistic about what's around the corner, rather than flinching every time something moves. I know it's not just me doing that, but we've all developed a lot of coping mechanisms over the past couple years to keep them pretty hidden now, even from ourselves. I see them clear as day now, for the most part, and it just makes me more upset. I see so much potential in people, as individuals and what we're capable of accomplishing when we combine forces. But so many people are just in it for their own experience. They video a concert with their phone to show off to their friends later and brag, meanwhile ruining the Now experience for them and people around them. They leave trash on the ground at the swim spot by the trails I walk, and I bring their trash 100 feet up to the trailhead and throw it out for them. They just want the best life experience - the most optimized, Google recommended, 5-star reviewed, 2000x liked and retweeted experience they can get. They will cut any corners they can find to get it. They will pay a premium for it and call it the deal of a century. Are they concerned about the experience of the person 5 feet from them? Oh... suuuure... If it somehow ties back to your experience... Looking at them from your eyes, how they affect you, how they appear, how they act. Not, like... looking at life through their eyes.

How the fuck did we get from social media being the greatest opportunity to see what it's like to live in someone else's shoes, to the world's biggest popularity contest in history? Welp, corporations saw some money to be made and got their fingers in the pie and made it a game. And, of course, it's apparently a lot easier to win that game if you lie. At least a lot of people seem to think that. Now, maybe it's just whether you fit in/conform? I don't know, I've been pretty removed from social media lately, to be honest. It seems like... people are ultimately just trying to connect, but they're connecting over the wrong damn emotions. Like we want powerful interactions with eachother, intensely emotional engagements that seem like... attempts to interact. Imagine if they were attempts to bond rather than attempts to lash out, or outrage, or make an impact through inconvenience. It's hard to conceptualize that in a world rife with so much conflict, but if people somehow found a way within themselves to mutually seek bonds more often, the world would just be a much better place. Yeeeahhhh, peace and love, man! I use Nag Champa soap, okay, don't judge me! It's been a while since I did a tree-hugging post, it's nice to reconnect with this feeling.

Maybe if we, as an average, had a better relationship with emotions like love and compassion, we'd be less incline to go around picking fights with people over having different opinions. Or accusing them of nasty intentions, in a bid to paint our deepest fears on them and finally get a chance to interact with them. Maybe, just maybe, we'd think a bit more about how our actions affect others. Because we can relate to what it's like to experience the impacts and repercussions of that. Maybe we would keep our focus on what's best for all parties, and for the greater whole, and all the wholes greater than that, rather than keep our focus on just ourselves. Maybe we'd start to become better people.

How to make that transition? From focusing on "I" to focusing on "We"? Practice. But I'll tell ya, it's really goddamn hard to focus on "We" when you're really hungry, or when you haven't slept a full night in a week, or when you're overstressed from being overworked and underappreciated, or when you're worn from reliving painful memories and the frenetic energy of children, or when you've lost so much hope that all you want is to disappear into a fantasy world where your actions actually matter. But we have to keep trying. We all have to keep trying. Because we're all in this together. Even if we're not all in this together. It makes me really sad to say that, but it's also a little clever and it made me chuckle. :)

This was an intense one, but I guess I had a lot of this inside me that I needed to get out and I never really made a place to do that. Not anytime recently. This is that place for me, for now at least. Thanks for reading this. This is what my brain looks like, every fucking day, all day. Just sometimes it's not this dressed up, and this monologue is often companioned with images.

Maybe I could do the ultimate art project some day. Capture a section of my actual thoughts, just like this, as authentically as possible... and also try to capture the fleeting reference images too. Then write it all down, and draw the companion images - the mental images. Hell, I could even do a recording of it and make it a video, fuck, imagine this in VR?! It would be the closest I could get to putting another person inside my head, inside my experience of this weird, crazy, what-the-fuck-actually-is-it-experience that we call Life. The closest I could get to someone really understanding who I am, and seeing me, relating to me, bonding with me, caring about me, connecting with me. Real connection. And isn't that... what we all want?

Maybe not, maybe it's just me.

#diary #journal #spilled thoughts #stream of thoughts #stream of conscious writing

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pickle-the-lad · 2 years

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Okay, so I have multiple Naruto Fanfictions in my head.

And one of them I need to just share this scene that made me laugh so hard then surprises no one's awake for me to share this moment.

I have no idea what this says about my psyche but if it helps any: I've only had 5 or 6 hours of sleep, and now have recently came back from town🤷‍♂️

Some Spoilers for the TV show:

First; contacts!: this is an au and that's all the terminology I know lmao

Itachi's bisexual, kill this man lover to SAVE the Uchiha Clan from the Akatsuki Splinter Cell. Only managed to save his mother and Sasuke. (There was another little brother; Outa-kairi. Couldn't save him, very sad ;~;)

Itachi officially was stripped of his Shinobi status, but it's actually now a part of Ansatsu Senjutsu Tokushu Butai.

[That all happened just before the Chūnin exams, so Squad 7 was already thing and Naruto was all but legally adopted by the Uchiha Clan]

Sasuke is gay and told Naruto during that break point in the Chūnin exams. [instead of throwing multiple temper tantrums like in the show] Naruto's positive reaction kept Sasuke from joining Orochimaru: who was insisting that the leaf Village would just reject him. Sasuke was unaware that this made Naruto realize that he's bi-"curious".

Very similar to start to Naruto Shippuden but Sasuke's still at the leaf Village, out as gay to the whole friend group, and stop caring who else knows it. Sie is a friend of Itachi.

That was all vaguely important to know, but Now the context you actually need:

Sasuke joined the AnBu little bit before Kakashi became Hokage.

Now has just came back from a mission where he was severely injured.

[Now for "Drugged out Sasuke in the Hospital" from Sakura's pov]

Pulling open the door to hospital room B5, Naruto in toe. We bolted here the second we heard the news.

Part of his hair was shaving off where his scalp was stapled back together. Left on practically tied to his torso. There was sitting up in bed looking at the window, I gasped out his name in release. Quickly followed by Naruto was much louder "Sasuke!!" as he barged into the room. Sausage stoic expression went to confused, followed by the most drug out smile I've ever seen. "Hey Naruto! Hey Sakura!"

"I'm so glad you seem to be okay, we were wondered sick."

"They seem to have put you on the good stuff!" Exclaimed Naruto as he rubbed the good side of Sasuke's head. As my two lovable idiots giggle to each other, I checked Sasuke's chart.

The AnBu field medics seem to have barely get him stable before bringing him here. He has third degree burns on his calves, a fractured skull (That explains the staples) and we inserted a metal plate to stabilize the shoulder blade shattered from felling "You fell off 50 ft cliff?!!"

Sasuke started nodding a little bit more than I like, well laughing a little harder than I appreciated! (This is nothing to be laughing about! Can't you tell that this is serious??)

"I know Right! you're not going to believe the story of the guys told me when I came through!"

I looked at Naruto and, for once, he seemed just as concerned as me.

[Sasuke's Story Time]

Me and follow the guys won this mission and I was a senior out of all of them.

So yeah get into this really big fight with a couple of huge dudes! like true Giants.

I'm bunch of little dude started running out of the biggest guys shirt. And I'm like "what the fuck?"

But then I was still dodging all those guys attacks, there's like 20 of them on me at minimum. And all these guys were made of wood so the second I have the opening to, I used my Fireball juicer. They released this awful smelling gas that made me become very loopy. My vision got blurry and that giant dude knocked me right over the cliff!

Out of the four guys, the one that this was the first mission for; was the one he saw me go over the cliff! and he thought I was still conscious [*incoherent laughter from our narrator* Sakura opens her mouth to say something but Sasuke just pointed to her with his good hand, saying "Don't interrupt me"]

Where was I? Oh yeah! I was falling down a cliff.

So no one knew I was falling and I remember when waking up long enough to feel impact before going out cold again!

According to a new guy they were about to declare me missing and then dead before he found my pulse and I gassed awake! I don't remember waking up. I immediately passed right back out, it only came to some sense of true consciousness as he was stapling my head!

They start talking about something before I passed right back out.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up at the leaf Village without a care in the world!

[Sasuke's Story Time End]

#naruto fanfiction #I don't usually post fanfics #so I have no idea how else to tag this #i'm not sorry #spoilers ahead #cw spoilers #naruto au #hospital room #Sasuke story time #please keep in mind I was trying to describe an animation in my brain #I'm not exactly the best writer #I just could not stop laughing at this this morning #and I can only guess it's from 5 to 6 hours of sleep

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incarnateirony · 1 month

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Do you take medication for mania? Or something similar. I'm concerned

Do you realize you're talking to a licensed psych worker that uses these skills professionally? That gets monthly mental health checks?

You fearing things is your problem.

Maybe you should go get my ex medicated I've been trying to drag off me on every level, the one that thought she was channeling a god by speaking anime jibberish. The lady that built a cult to me because she got all fucked up and thought I was Hermes, rather than understanding the first thing about metempsychosis or transmigration. The cult I'm fighting to get disbanded.

Go medicate those people.

Hate to break it to you guys, not all paths are spoopy crystal spitting, some actually lead somewhere, mine is with The God Of Psychology and that's what I do professionally. Mkay? Mkay. Shoo.

Like. Go argue with a therapist about Jung. Or go to princeton and yell at them about their related projects. Hey go yell at Stanford about the project my mom was in. And the CIA and DOD that work with them, go yell at the government too. This is clearly the licensed professional psych worker being nuts, and not being surrounded by mountains of frightened idiots wanting to tumblr politique their way out of everything.

The current conversation in question is me trying to explain to her, which apparently I motherfucking have to, that my brain is my brain, and her brain is her brain, and they are different brains and different family histories, and she got herself all fucked up trying to channel my 2009 hot topic jesus design of "hermes" I used to self explore and convincing other people about it.

The entire motherfuckin point is I grew up and got the answers, she's still stuck spitting on crystals and seeing the goddess in random cats rather than recognizing she's disassociating her own shit into random animals 24/7.

What's got you all fucked up is that normally degreed magi of this level keep our shit low key, cryptic at best, and generally off main, you don't get to see us losing our nut on profoundly addicted abusive stalker exes chasing them for 3 years and building funky cults to them and trying to tug on their brain. This is actually why she tried the "closed lodge" complaints even though she knew me 20 years and lived with me on-off for like six. She just drove the other way into channeling roleplay land, because Real Psychology Is Scawwy And Hard, and now she's eating consequences. And my cognitive dick, apparently.

This blog been here like eight years and only in the year of our lord 2024 have you guys gotten a whiff of this for a few months. Unlike her, my beliefs didn't randomly change day to day drastically. Evolved with understanding, but not changed. This is absolutely the same person everyone followed, I've just been harassed and stalked into this being the only means to speak for my liberty from this psychonaut.

I repeat. I and everything she was after walked out on her three years ago and she keeps trying to shove my proverbial water in her pot to fill the void instead of finding it in herself. Her even getting rid of me was running from the drawn boundaries at that time, and the hard work involved to face these issues, which she's made infinitely deeper since after grooming in newbies that don't know her 20 years of history. She's attached herself so far up my ass she got tricked into wasting half a year of her life in a furry porn server bugging an old friend of a friend to start shit to try to get at my business investor and game server. Deadass, it's over, we're not motherfucking doing this again, in this lifetime or the next.

And you know what? telling uneducated morons I do not fucking care about your opinion, I care about my protoges being hurt by her, and my legacy she's actively mutilating the works of, and my identity, a hundred times fucking more than keeping tame for you motherfuckers. Most liberating goddamn thing I've ever done.

No seriously deadass I work for one of the most major psych providers nationwide, and my tags at work have legit looked like @ Aaron Lord Mercury @ Aaron Lord Mercury @ Aaron Lord Mercury, Aaron why are you breaking things, we can't go a day around here without blaming Lord Mercury In The Microwave for something with how weird it's been. Okay? That's what the psych pros that are pulling people off bridges they're trying to jump off of say. Figure it the fuck out.

I've deadass had to correct my boss "I know you come from a long history of crisis intervention and psych-" "I mean, yes and no, I come from crisis core, I just studied this for 25 years alone." "You've... never done psychology work before?" "Not in this kind of professional capacity, no." "What? Your rates are above [essentially the people who have PHDs in it filling a resume spot], how?" "One Neat Trick." I have off-work DM boxes with my coworkers who have been following this shit, and protip, they don't think I'm nuts, because they know my Works, even if they knew it from the atheistic angle and are now questioning the alchemical one as real while she peels apart and denies it.

I'm surrounded by graded psych professionals at various capacities all day. I AM a psych professional. What you are encountering is a concept so far above your fucking head, you can't compute it without fear and concern trolling. If you'd like, my private rate is 60 dollars an hour and I can therapize you about that, but until fucking then, maybe you should grok that this shit is real. And the day you reach your psychic limit and consider ending things and dial out for help, it just may be me and this shit you don't understand guiding you back home. Shit, even if it's not me I've been asked to update the training for newbies because of what I do. So even if it's not me, it'll still be my works catching you or your loved ones. You're welcome.

Yeah guys, they keep asking me to apply to supervisor and I keep declining because I'd rather apply my Works to guiding and saving people directly since I have weirdly unique success for Some Reason, rather than approving people's breaks all day and sending suggestions mid-crisis on how to maybe help someone I'm not actually connected to.

You guys hear lately a lot of people passing out to a specific song, or being dragged in dream to a familiar place, where the warriors are fighting funny spectres matching the current real life plot threads, and the genuinely suicidal people are waking up with the "villain" slapping them with anti-self harm and anti-suicide books? IT'S YA BOI, 2009 HOT TOPIC JESUS SHE REFUSES TO MOVE ON FROM.

youtube

Where's that music coming from?????

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